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[ranseltoska]

"I kinda think I am becoming the adults in the little prince book. Living a mundane life and mediocre one, not having any dreams, sparks, or passion at all, don't even know where to go and what to look for. Such a walking shell without a soul."

This is my entry when I turned older on my birthday last week. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what will change. I just feel like I always in this staying a float phase, not flying and trying to not drowning myself. But as I go through my personal memories last year, I feel like whatever phase I am in I am doing quite a good life, somehow.

Starting the year with exo performing together again, win a giveaway to eat at gelora baik for free, go to solo to spend day with alifa, trying new place like bakmi gandhok, bakmi bersahadja 77, warung bahtera. Solo trip with mbak flos. Watching someday or another day and reading gadis kretek. Learning english translation seriously.

On february, trying new places again; ceria cafe, cinema bakery, wm berdikari, dragon hot pot. Watching jalan yang jauh jangan lupa pulang with ilak. Coming to arin's wedding with andri. Strolling around prawirotaman; tjemara noodle, art and craft space, tirtodipuran link, kebun buku, lawson. Having my first job ever. Moving from my favorite place on earth.

The march, going to pasar wiguna and reunited with isma. Watching suzume. Meet kak fira, mas danish, and dek al. Trying por aqui and the iconic.

Fourth month, trying to open jastip. Bukber with cece. Trying gudeg bromo, ayam gulai, golden geisha, nanamia pizzeria, tous ler jous. Going home. Spending ramadhan with people at home. Celebrating eid with extended family. Meet geng8. Vacation to Malaysia with ayah, bunda, kak qi, and adek. Seventeen release FML album.

May. Going back to jogja. Start journaling for fun. Trying sophie's sunset sunset library, cuena coffee, bungah, nasi teri gejayan. xyz coffee. Going to jogja beauty fest with mbak flos. Watching spiderman across the spiderverse.

The next month, join noraebang with mbak flos. Meet aliya, oma, and tante erna. Visited by mom and dad. Trip around jogja, solo, and pacitan with them. Meet kak fira's family again. Celebrating eid adha. Going to dongeng kopi and watching staar syndrom, onde mande, elemental force, the childe.

July would be a month full of reconnecting. Attending kak dika's wedding. Meeting firda in solo; going to loske, tfp, uma yumcha dimsum, pasar gede. Visiting alifa; patjar merah and lokananta. Having a day off; trying mie sapi banteng, dongeng kopi, warung yanto, cosan. Going to bantul to try sena cafe, meet sagita at jnm bloc, eat kazu ramen. EXO's comeback. Going to rumah miguni with mbak flos. Celebrating wonwoo's birthday. Watching barbie, my precious, and smugglers.

August. I am becoming the full timer in my work place. Going to toko buku nathan and trying ness donut. Watching the moon and head over heels towards do kyungsoo. Parting ways with some friends. Having a barbecue party with team.

This is the special month. I am coming home and gathering with families. Having spirited journey and doing umroh. Cutting of all the connection with real world, praying, worshiping, spending time with my favourite support system in Allah's house. Spending a week at Turkiye, road trip all over it. Spending time with myself and my loved ones. Listening over and over to Pengantar Purifikasi Pikir and Expectation. Reading Loki Tua

October, coming back to jogja and working again. Watching petualangan sherina, iu's golden hour, killers of the flower moon, and cobweb. Noraebang here and there with mbak flos. Seeing blooming season in this city.

November. Getting closer to farah. Reuniting with ilak. Going to bakmie 88, sintesis, kedai ketjil, fore, gyoza sutra, roti jala tanah melayu, baked me to the moon. Watching budi pekerti, love reset, past lives. Learning making beads with farah. Attending JAFF. Meeting lots of cool people. Watching lots of good movies; la luna, sugarland, jatuh cinta seperti di film-film, perfect days, gadis kretek talkshow, women from rote island, and monster.

The last month, my favourite December. Ending JAFF; watching Fallen Angels, attending the closing ceremony with Andri, watching 13 Bom di Jakarta. Evaluation with the team. Going to mie ayam grabyas, hotway chicken, homeground crsl, makmur chicken. Taking a day off to explore prawirotaman; my little warung, house of zaw, kebun buku, lakaey, and walking around kota baru. Finishing reading what you are looking for is in the library and watching the boy and the heron. Meet vika, trying kopitiam, journaling together. Watching live viewing seventeen follow the tour in cinema. Early christmas and birthday dinner with mbak flos at francis pizza and cheese cake cafe. Working in a very packed store during christmas till new year's eve. Celebrating my birthday; cleaning the room, going to periplus to buy a gift for myself, visiting dear eleanor to taking picture of my older self, journaling. Spending the last day of the year in work with a full heart. Meeting mbak flos' warm and beautiful family.

See, it's not a bad year after all. Of course, there are lots of tears, mental breakdown, fears, worries, and hurting myself and people around me. But you gotta experience lots of things, spend your days with your loved ones, going to places you never go before, eating lots of good food. Making connection with people. Buying and collecting lots of cute stuff. Enjoying lots of good films, music, books, and another form of art. So maybe this mundane and mediocre life, is good enough.

[ranseltoska]

it’s june already.

Ternyata sudah setahun setengah sejak saya terakhir menulis di halaman ini. Kemana aja ya? Nggak kemana-kemana juga sebenernya. Mungkin menemukan sebuah tempat bersembunyi yang lebih aman saja untuk menuangkan segala kebisingan di kepala ini. Di sini, terasa lebih penuh pretensi untuk menampilkan yang baik-baik, sedangkan yang terjadi setahun belakangan ini mungkin nggak selalu manis. Tapi ingin kembali bercerita banyak hal di sini, karena gimana pun dulu halaman ini adalah tempat paling nyaman untuk berbagi kisah.

Mari kita mulai. Setahun kemarin, tidak mudah, namun berhasil dilalui. Masalahnya ya itu-itu saja, terjebak dalam tugas akhir yang tak kunjung selesai. Berakhir dengan mengunci diri dan menangis di kamar seharian, mengabaikan semua pesan dan telepon yang masuk, membenci dan menyakiti diri serta orang sekeliling, tenggelam dalam ketakutan yang belum tentu nyata. Kadang-kadang ada momen di mana rasanya terowongan gelap ini gak akan ada jalan keluarnya dan perasaan kosong ini nggak akan pernah hilang, jadi kenapa tidak kita hentikan saja semua ini. Kadang-kadang hidup rasanya kayak mengambang, nggak tau mau dibawa ke mana, nggak tau apa yang mau dilakukan, maka kenapa tidak kita tenggelamkan saja diri ini. Kadang-kadang rasanya mencemaskan sekali untuk mengetahui apa yang ada di depan, apakah akan sampai, apakah akan ada hal baik yang menunggu, apakah akan terselamatkan. 

Tapi ternyata masih dikasih banyak kebaikan oleh semesta walaupun diri ini keosnya nggak ketulungan. Masih ada orang-orang baik yang mau mendoakan dan membantu meskipun anak ini sudah banyak menyakiti. Masih ada kesempatan untuk ketemu profesional dan melakukan terapi meskipun anak ini kepalanya keras sekali. Masih ada kemauan untuk mencoba maju meskipun anak ini tidak peduli. Dan dengan kebaikan semesta, selesai juga chapter terakhir kehidupan perkuliah yang panjangnya melebihi season series di netflix. Thank you for everyone who cheer me up, believe in me, and help me along the way. 

Selain kelulusan, apalagi ya yang terjadi? Mungkin saya harus berterima kasih dengan hal-hal kecil yang bikin sulitnya hidup masih bisa terlewati. Seperti pada emotional support kpop boy nomor satu yang adalah EXO. Seperti yang selalu dibilang, bertemu dengan EXO bukan serta merta membuat saya lebih bersemangat untuk mengerjakan tugas akhir atau membereskan ke-keos-an hidup ini. Bertemu EXO semacam bertemu teman yang menemani dalam menyusuri terowongan gelap ini, semacam menyadari bahwa hidup yang berantakan ini masih bisa dinikmati, meski belum bisa dilewati, setidaknya nggak sampai bikin mati. 

Seperti pada semua fictional character dalam novel china yang saya baca. Yang ini nggak bisa disebutin satu-satu sih siapa, saking banyaknya. Mereka selalu bikin hangat hati dengan kisah pertemanannya, romantismenya, perjuangannya, kekeluargaannya. Rasanya menyenangkan mempunyai hal-hal yang dinanti esok hari, melihat kemana lagi ya cerita mereka akan bergulir. Merasa ditemani dengan melihat hal-hal yang terjadi dalam cerita yang mungkin jadi refleksi diri. 

Seperti pada geng-geng favorit dalam drama korea. Geng hospital playlist, geng run on, dan geng  racket boys. Yang dengan kelucuannya dalam berteman, keseruannya dalam menjalani hidup, keberaniannya untuk bangkit dari struggle-nya, hangatnya relasi-relasi yang mereka miliki dengan orang-orang sekitar mereka, membuat kekosongan dalam hati karena terlalu sering menyendiri ini jadi terobati.

Seperti pada atlet badminton dan pertandingan berjam-jam tanpa henti. Yang menemani saat hari terlalu asing dan kepala terlalu berisik. Yang dengan semangatnya, teriakannya, usahanya, dan permainannya mengajarkan banyak arti, mulai dari rasa puas atas kemenangan, rasa sedih karena kekalahan, bagaimana bisa bangkit kembali, manisnya pertemanan lintas negara, serta sportivitas yang selalu ditampilkan. 

Seperti pada lirik-lirik lagu yang menyentuh hati, nada-nada yang menemani saat sepi, tulisan separagraf atau dua kalimat yang menjadi penenang frustasi, ilustrasi cantik yang minta dikoleksi, kucing-kucing jalanan lucu yang tidak bisa diadopsi, kedai kopi tempat menyendiri, kamar kos sebagai ruang personal untuk bersembunyi, video-video di youtube teman sebelum menutup hari, makanan enak pilipur lara hati, ruang dingin bioskop sebagai tempat berimajinasi, lembaran jurnal tempat mengosongkan segala isi, kepala hingga hati, pada senja hari ini yang coba ditangkap agar bisa abadi, pada pertemanan-pertemanan kecil yang masih mau mendengarkan masalah yang itu-itu lagi. Terima kasih banyak sudah menjadi bagian menyenangkan dari hidup riqqah yang hampir tenggelam setahun belakangan ini.

Setelah berhasil menyelesaikan studi jujur rasanya semua menjadi lebih baik. Belum ada episode ingin mati meski tetap melakukan terapi. Berlibur ke lombok dan bali bersama keluarga inti. Menyapa teman-teman melalui dunia maya lagi. Tidak menghindari orang-orang yang mencoba peduli. Rasanya hari esok tidak menakutkan sekali. Saat ini sedang berada di rumah. Mencoba menghabiskan waktu-waktu yang hilang dengan keluarga karena perkara skripsi. Bertemu teman-teman dari kecil hingga dewasa dan kembali menyambung silaturrahmi. Mengunjungi tempat-tempat yang dulu selalu didatangi. Menikmati lagi langit yang terlalu biru, laut yang begitu dekat, senja yang terlampau oranye, hujan yang seperti badai, kopi yang harum, jalanan rindang penuh pohon, kota yang begitu familiar.

Akhirnya menulis lagi. Selamat hari terakhir bulan juni.

[ranseltoska]

When Jane Austen said, "And sometimes I keep my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in," I felt that

[ranseltoska]

kesimpulan setelah membuka kembali tumblr setelah dua tahun: beberapa orang memang perlu di-unfollow.

[ranseltoska]

desember dan musim penghujan

Akhirnya membuka kembali halaman penuh sarang laba-laba ini. Terakhir kali menulis panjang di sini adalah oktober tahun lalu. Banyak hal yang membuat maju mundur untuk menulis di sini, yang paling utama adalah rasa takut. Takut orang akan membaca dan berpikir ‘what the hell is she talking about?’. Takut tulisannya terlalu tidak berbobot dan berstruktur, di antara kalimat-kalimat berima penuh makna. Takut untuk menuliskan apa yang dirasakan dan dipikirkan karena tidak valid dan tidak bisa membentuk sebuah kalimat yang solid. Lucu, karena dulu memulai tumblr ini agar bisa menuliskan segala hal tanpa peduli apapun. Sekarang malah takut setengah mati memikirkan pendapat orang lain, padahal yang baca juga belum tentu ada. Banyak hal memang sudah berubah, seperti tahun yang sebentar lagi juga akan berpindah. Kecuali saya, masih saja anak semester akhir yang tidak kunjung menyelesaikan skripsi. Sudah tau salah sendiri namun tetap saja merasa depresi.

Tapi tulisan ini bukan tentang self-pity. Desember dan musim penghujan, adalah dua hal favorit saya. Sehingga bulan penghujung tahun ini selalu spesial untuk saya. Dan saya ingin merekam banyak hal yang terjadi pada desember yang hujan ini. Tentang apa yang saya temui, apa yang terlintas di pikiran dan perasaan saya, lagu atau film yang ternyata saya sukai, percakapan singkat dengan orang lain, content that hits too close to home, gambar yang saya ambil saat sedang jalan pagi, buku yang ingin saya baca, apapun yang saya tangkap di panca indra dan memberikan kesan. Untuk apa? Untuk dibaca lagi suatu hari nanti. Untuk pengingat bahwa saya pernah mengalami hal-hal tesebut. Untuk melakukan kembali hal yang dulu paling saya senangi setengah mati, menulis. Untuk membuat saya merasa lebih baik.

Selamat bulan desember lebih tiga hari. Doanya tidak muluk-muluk, semoga konsisten menulis sekecil apapun kepingan ingatan saya, semoga menemukan progres sekecil apapun harapannya, semoga desember penuh hujan ini berjalan baik untuk semua orang!

[ranseltoska]

I don’t like sunny weather, they give you hope and I don’t have one now. I love rainy days, they give you excuse to just snuggle on your bed and do nothing and I absolutely like the idea.

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For anyone who maybe need some comfort in this hard time.

You might be scared, but that’s your strength. You’re half way there, until the light. That loneliness, is all you have? But you know what, it’s not your fault. Someday we will talk all night, of all that we’ve been through. Someday we will laugh all night, about our hardest time. I like who you are.

[ranseltoska]

This Life

It’s already June but I still live this mundane life They say death is always a way out But I am too afraid to die and too tired to stay alive If only I have the courage: to take this life or to live the life

Turn the music loudly to hide from my thoughts Wasting the time on social media so I don’t have to feel anything Looking for warmth in a song lyric, alternate universe someone create, or a piece of paragraph on internet Don’t know how to poke where it hurts so I could taste the blood

Want to talk with someone But I don’t want to give my unnecessary emotional baggage Know at the end I need to get through this alone But sometimes I wish someone could save me from all this mess.

Let me runaway and have a new life Take me to place where no one knows my name Will starting over give me comfort I am looking for? Or should I still make peace with the storm inside myself?

Oh, how I wish I was a fictional character So this could be the last sentence and the story ends

[ranseltoska]

Today

Last week, I felt like not being myself. Being the persona that I project to myself some couple weeks before. Join many activities, meet new people, stop worrying about everything, and not crying without a reason. But last week, because of the final paper that has no progress and too afraid to tell my close people about it, I felt like having mental breakdown. I try to distract it with binge-watching korean drama, eating, and impulsively buying a big snack for myself as a coping mechanism.

The problem is very simple. I didn’t do anything about my final paper. I didn’t read journals, I didn’t write anything, I didn’t care at all. Sometimes I wonder why am I being like this? Is it because I am lazy? Or dumb? Or not caring at all? Or am I afraid? The complicated part is I am so afraid my parents ask about it and they get mad at me, which I really understand because it is their right. This is all my faults and I should clean this mess. But as usual I am being coward myself, what’s new. And this brings me to the same cycle; try to sleep my anxieties out and wake up with more anxieties cause it is a different day but with the same shits.

And there’s something I feel inside that I am so afraid to acknowledge. Cause if I acknowledge it I will admit that myself is not a kind person, that i actually don’t care at all, that I just pretend all this time. The fact that I am upset and angry with someone, because I feel like I care so much about them but they don’t care at all. I am sad and angry because I try to check them out every day but not even once they try to know what’s going on with myself. I am angry with that fact. I know I am being a selfish bitch, but that’s what I really feel that time. This thoughts make me feel so lonely and I am this close to have mental breakdown and cry out in the middle of this gigs I join. I don’t want to go to the gigs although couple months ago I am so excited to go. Luckily I still go, and after a cup of Tuku and Chatime roasted milk tea, I feel better. I quite enjoy the gig, sing along, jump a little bit, let myself cry in some of emotional song.

The day after, I come to a seminar about mental health while hoping after that I get to understand my feeling and emotional better and find some courage to call my parents and explain my situation. Since the seminar starts, I keep crying whenever the speaker state the fact about mental health, or anxiety, or depression. Everything they say seems to familiar to me and my head and heart hurt so much. I learn something there. I learn that you should prioritize yourself, that you can’t help people if you still feel not okay yourself, that you are no hero and you also can ask for help, that you should reach out if you can’t help yourself, that being connected is the key, that you should listen more and less judge, that you should really be kind and gentle to yourself, your surroundings, and others cause this life is so exhausting already and the only thing we can do is being kind.

The day after the seminar I call my mother for like two hours. I try to explain about my situation, I try to let go all the things I hide and bury inside, I try to tell about everything that I feel all this time. How I always afraid, always worry, always anxious about everything. And as usual, Kunto Aji’s spells always work with myself--whatever you are afraid about will not happen. Luckily my mom understand and encourage me a lot. She also opens up about her well-being, about the insecurities she has, about the worries and stress she feels. That makes me cry a lot, realizing that my mother is also a human like me. That she feels hurt too, afraid, and weak sometimes. Just because she is a mother doesn’t mean she always strong. She has her episode too that she never show us. My head hurts so much that day cause I cry a lot, but my heart feels so much relieve.

Today, I decide to talk with the people that make me feel uncomfortable and everything actually pretty okay, maybe we just hurt and worry so much about our own self and problem, so we can’t always check our surroundings out. And that’s totally okay. You should take care of yourself first, you should love yourself first, you should put yourself first, and you should find comfort for yourself more. I feel so much better today. I read this book called I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokpokki, I watch Isn’t It Romantic? film, I write on my journals and tumblr. I feel today is brighter that couple of days before and that’s okay.

Everyone, let’s be kind and gentle to yourself and others today.

[ranseltoska]

4 a.m. in the morning, it's been a long time since we met.

[ranseltoska]

Saturday, well-spend.

I actually really enjoy being alone with myself. But there is always this scary feeling whenever I try something new alone for the first time. But today, on this beautiful Saturday, I decide to ignore that feeling and do what my hearts really want.

Since a long time ago, I always dream of having a nice and peace brunch in a nice restaurant. Then couple of days ago I find the restaurant I really want to try and it is located in the are that I really like to explore more. And at the same time, near that area, I know some event I want to join is being hold. The thing is I never come to this place and I feel a little bit afraid and uncomfortable to go alone. I am asking some friends that are down for something new, but no one response. And I really hate the feeling of being too depends to people. So today, I decide to just do it (like the nike slogan)!

I wake up pretty early despite the fact that I sleep at 3 am in the morning. I sun-bath my cacti and wash my dishes. Then I take shower, put my best outfit, pour some make up, and order grab. I will have brunch in this place called Sade Tropical Kitchen. I hear about this restaurant for a long time ago but I think it is just some healthy cafe and never really give thoughts about it. But couple days ago I saw their menu and I am down for it. When I arrive, the customer is not that much, maybe because it is really a brunch time, so people don’t really eat at that time. I walk to the bar and find that one of my fellow volunteers from film festival is working there. I ask her what’s the best menu, and because lots of the breakfast menu are sold out, she suggests me to try their avocado toast.

Then we talk a little bit, catch up about this life, and talk about some volunteers event, music, and films. Then I am back with my own self, take some photos, scroll at twitter a bit, and read this book. Currently I read a teenlit book about Japanese students who have join classic literature club and along the way they need to solve some mysterious case and problems. It is a very light book, but I really enjoy reading it. Not long after, my food is served and it is good. The taste is okay for me, the poached egg is perfect, and I enjoy the menu a lot.

Then after I am done with the food and ready to go to the next destination, my mom calls me. It’s been some time since I talk to her about everything. I tell her about what I am currently doing, about my skripsi that is still faraway from done, about the current situation of this country and what I thought and feel about it. After that my sister starts talking to me. She keep asking me to come home cause she feels lonely in home. I talk to her about her schools, her activities, and about all the things that happen currently at our hometown. While speaking to her, I start walking to make my way to Pop Market in Arkadia. From Sade, the distance is not that far, but we need to walk through the small alley around Tirtodipuran, and actually it is really nice!

Then I arrive at Arkadia. Arkadia is a communal space where people can hold some events there. Today’s event is Pop Market. Basically an event where people gather, connect to each other, do some workshop, sell some food and good stuffs. But turns out I don’t fins myself enjoying the place and the event that much. I come, look around for the stuffs I want, buy some cuties, and deide to go home. I feel like it is really crowded and not really friendly with a solo person like me. But I pick up some cute stuffs and that’s fine~

And finally, I end up here at my favorite coffee house, the safest place I ever feel, Kene. I decide to come here cause I want some me-time to write my journal and this tumblr, read the book, watch anime, edit my thesis, learn Korean, and contemplate about life a bit.

Saturday is really well-spend!

[ranseltoska]

Count Your Blessing

These couple of weeks, there are so many little things that make me feel happy easily.

Like a meet up with my sister after months. Talking about a conference we both joined and things we like and dislike about it. Having lunch in a Japanese restaurant and drink bubble tea. Visiting SM Entertainment in Indonesia for the first time since I become whipped for EXO and it feels so exciting to see your favorite group merchandise and picture there.

Like the first time seeing your favorite international band, despite all the dramas and madness. Singing your heart out to the songs you always repeat. Enjoying all of the journey with your best friend. Dancing with the people you never know but surely having the same interest with you.

Like spending three hours for karaoke with one of your favorite person. Singing all the EXO’s songs like there is no tomorrow. Listening to the old songs you used to love. Forgetting all of your problems, worries, and fears with singing your heart out.

Like reading a book you just buy randomly for a music concert and find out that it is actually interesting. Finishing a book after a long time. Realizing that you miss this kind of genre, the story about high school-er, friendship, and teen-lit. Trying to stop book-shaming yourself, just because it is not the so-called literature book people always proud of. Finding the joy to read a book again.

Like doing an impulsive movie marathon. Watching movies and get really immersed to the stories that you forget all of your worries and fears in real life. Seeing all the things that used to make your eyes spark; like a sunshine girl, the secret about the sky and the universe you always want to discover, the lost kids who try to find home at each other, some magic stuff and beliefs. Remembering why you always like watching movies in cinema alone: because it feels like you get into another life that is completely different from your reality, because the life in the screen keep going on but your life as a spectator stay the same, because it is a perfect escape from all of your problems, worries, and fears you face in your real life, because it is the only place you could always feel safe with yourself. And going home feeling warmest than ever.

Like passing by a small shop and hearing your favorite’s songs. Coming there just to listen it better with a loud speaker. Dancing a bit to the beats cause you know no one cares. Waiting for another songs and sing a little part you remember.

Like going to a book and music festival to see your favorite local band. Picking up one of your favorite sweater cause it makes you look good and put your make up cause you want to feel good. Looking at so many books and find the one you want to pick up. Seeing some crowds sing to their favorite band that you don’t know. Being there alone, enjoying the song you don’t know, opening twitter to see EXO’s content from their concert, reading your book with some dim light. Watching Efek Rumah Kaca and singing all the songs you know and enjoying the performance although you think the crowd is not the best. Having mcd’s chicken as your midnight dinner.

Like going out from your room to a coffee shop that have been your safest place. Getting your journal done while listening to random songs that pop up on your spotify that surprisingly always suit with your mood. Watching people come and go. Writing something to this dusty tumblr after a long time. Thinking about having roasted milk tea from chatime and some chicken cutlets from shilin after this while watching some anime or reading bl manhwa or fan-girling EXO over twitter.

Ah, I am blessed.

[ranseltoska]

Re-live This Life

One sleep away before coming back to the city. Instead of packing and prepare things for my flight tomorrow, here I am trying to write things because I always have excuse to not write anything here.

Coming back to the city is a bittersweet actually. At some point I feel that I will miss this home. I am going to miss wake up early and talk to mom in the kitchen. I am going to miss my annoying sisters, all the stories and life advice we try to give each other, and all the nights we do the jam session. I am going to miss an impulsive act dad will do, like breakfast in Samahani or randomly go to culinary fest here. I am going to miss fun but serious conversations with my cousins. I am going to miss hanging out,  catching up, and laughing about silly things with my best friend. I am going to miss the quality times and talks with some special people. And I am going to miss all the little things--like the comfort food I grow up with, like listening to the songs and singing along while riding motorbike, like watching how the day sky is so blue, the night sky is full of bright stars, and the way the sun downs is very beautiful, like living in a very familiar place for a moment where I always feel so comfortable.

But at another point, I know coming back to the city is a thing that I really need now. Coming back to a personal space that I don’t need to share. Coming back to the part of me that is real but I can’t show to people I am familiar with yet. Coming back to some night conversations and the same worries and fears I share with my favorite people without being judged. Coming back to a familiar and comfortable place but at the same time always pushing me to be a better version of myself. Coming back to face all this responsibilities and realities that I’ve abandoned this long.Coming back to some films, books, and music fest that make me so happy. Coming back to the small room where I spend my 3 am in the morning wide awake and contemplating about this life.  

Maybe it won;t be as smooth as I thought or as easy as I hope. Maybe I am just repeating my cycle there--abandoning my final paper, shut the world off, doesn’t care about this life, dealing with my anxieties and fears, feeling depressed like wanting to die. But maybe I find what I am looking for again--the sparks to do things I love, the dreams I am afraid to tell, the purpose in life I need to live with, the life I will re-evaluate. Because this time, there is some blue bits, some light, some sparks that make me excited and feeling giddy all the time. Like many good films waiting to be discovered, like a trip to find my-not-so-lost self, like a music concert in the capitol with bestest friends, like foreign language I will start to learn, like a book festival that I could drown myself in, like an album and concert from my favorite group, like a meeting with close friends to talk about life, like this promise to my little soul to do better and make people around me proud, like all the bucket list I can’t wait to thick off.

and maybe, maybe I can re-live this life again. 

[ranseltoska]

That’s Okay

After some thoughts and observation, I think I really am a person who enjoys semi-private and intimates conversation with one or two opponents. Meeting in a big group somehow making me uncomfortable, end up in silent, and not able to tell what I really want to tell people. What’s funny is that I actually come from a big circle consist of 8 people and I used to be comfortable around all of them. But maybe I’ve changed, going away from home and struggling by myself in a very strange city change me. It’s not that I am that uncomfortable around them, I am just more comfortable to talk in a small group, like one by one.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know much about them, like what’s going on all this time in their life, like how they really feel, or some little things and details information about them--beside this one good friend that stick with me since junior high. And maybe they also feel like that to me. Cause I don’t really talk to all of them about what happened to me or how I feel, maybe I don’t know how to start and explain things, maybe we miss too much details about each other’s life. And through my observation, I also realize that some of my friends doing some kind of things too, like they don’t really talk about their feelings or what actually happened to them. Sometimes it feels okay, but most of the time--as a person who get worried over everything and always feel like she needs to solve everyone’s problem--I feel like I fail as a friend and I don’t like that and as a person who usually having quality times and conversations with friends, I feel uncomfortable. Maybe at the end it is just about me trying to make this shitty person feels better.

What makes me really feel uncomfortable right now is the fact that currently we meet up not because we want to see each other, catch up, and tell each other stories we miss. It feels more like we meet up because we don’t want to go somewhere alone and focus on our phone by ourselves, so we need a friend to do that together. Like today’s meeting, I feel like we just throw some basic conversation, something cold, something small, something only in the surface. Some is busy about their business, making some deals, and just want to go home. Some is busy doing live on social media instead of talking to the real people and focus on their phone. Nothing about things I expect, no stories, no deep conversations, nothing. I don’t know maybe because I live in different city right now, I expect more when all of us meet, but I guess that’s just how’s life currently. Funny thing is, when it is only in small group or the two of us, we actually talk about things we don’t really talk in a big group.

Another day, a friend of mine tell me a little bit about how she actually doesn’t really talk to anyone about who she is deep inside. She always has this kind of persona she wants people to see in her--that she looks happy so people who spend time with her will be happy too. While deep down, she is actually very quiet and just don’t really want to talk a lot to people. Or a friend who I know has so much things going on in her life but doesn’t really want to share it to her friend, cause maybe she thinks it is not necessary or she just wants to keep it for herself. Sometimes, I feel sad realizing that I don’t really know my close friend and they don’t talk about things with me. But maybe, it’s just life. Just like me who doesn’t really open up and talk to them too, because I am too lazy or too tired to try or too afraid that the real layer of myself will make people back up or too worry people will not like who I am and not accept that. And that’s okay. People want to feel comfortable and find comfort in their own way and I have no fucking right to judge them. That’s okay.

In the middle of midnight thought,

R.

[ranseltoska]

July’s bucket list:

1. Listening to Kyungsoo - That’s Okay, like there is no tomorrow.

2. Making progress about my final paper and really trying hard to finish it.

3. Controlling and soft quitting twitter.

4. Learning Korea.

5. Working out.

6. Volunteering.

7. Watching all the dramas, series, anime, and films in my bucket list.

8. Reading books.

9. Saving money for EXplOration

10. Tumblr-ing and Journaling more.

[ranseltoska]

Hewwooo~

It’s been a month and more since the last time I write here. Actually I have so much things to ramble about, but this lazy ass is freaking lazy to sit myself down, open my laptop, and write something. But here I am now, finally able to write things here and put things from my mind.

It’s really a roller coaster currently. I feel like shit actually, but what’s new about this? I don’t know if things are going south or north, but I feel like crying already. Going home is the remedy I know I need for my broken soul, but it is also a place full of anxieties I can’t stop feeling about. I know there is something broken inside me, something that I know I need to fix, but at some point it is something I am afraid to touch of, cause acknowledging it means it is true that some part of me is broken. And talking to someone I know, won’t be a help either cause I understand all the things they will tell me but my head is that hard to swallow it and give it a try. At some point of my life I think I don’t love myself enough, I just pity her.

I also think I loose my ability to express my feelings and write things down properly. Like I stop all the writing routine I usually do. I stop writing on my journal, on my diaries, and on this tumblr. The only thing I used to think I am good at and really love it, is disappearing from me. The only thing I used to do with so many spark, the only dream I have to be before, the only thing I feel comfortable to do--I am losing it. I am mess, talent-less, and having no direction at all, and sometimes I think it’s better to not living at all.

The only coping mechanism I have now is EXO and BL Manhwa. They the best thing I could lean on at this very moment, without being afraid that I could hurt them. Not really a proper one, cause although they doesn’t seem that real, they keep making me nervous and anxious. Before all this kpop thing, I don’t think stanning a group can make you feel nauseous and worry at all, I think it’s all about being happy seeing your faves singing and dancing and interacting with each other. But man, stanning EXO should be guaranteed with health insurance and psychiatrist, cause there are lots of surprise and it feels like a roller coaster. That’s the same thing with BL Manhwa, I think reading them will just give me all the giddy, fluffy, and full of romance feeling. But there are lots of time when the story become so serious and deep that I feel like losing my mind. That’s the thing about me, I always feel so worry about everything and it nearly killed me. But nevertheless, EXO and BL Manhwa are things that making me so happy right now and I won’t trade them for the world.

Let’s talk about EXO a little bit more. I start stanning them earlier this year, I am on my very fan-girl mode right now, like I watch them all the time, I buy their albums, I talk about them everywhere, I buy the product their endorse, I scream when I see their video somewhere public, I sing their songs on karaoke, I try to save my money to go to their concert, I will do anything--okay, I am a bit too much but I freaking love them. I try to love them equally--I know I am too much here, bare with me--but my ultimate bias is Do Kyung Soo. And now he will enlist less than a week and I really don’t know how to feel. Sometimes I wonder why I love him so much, what makes me love him so much, and sometimes I really don’t know the reason. Yes he is beautiful, but he also is talented, soft, adorable, kind, humble, sincere, and pure. He has an amazing voice, he acts flawlessly, he is passionate in doing what he does, persistent in learning new things, he is well-respected, and always take care of his member. Although he looks so cold sometimes, but I know he is warm to the people he is surrounded with. Sometimes I think he doesn’t get what he really deserves and he deserves the world actually.

This morning, I know Kyungsoo will release his song on July 1st for the farewell gift and the title is That’s Okay. The song means it’s okay to naturally let go of the emotions that make you feel hard for your own happiness. I am legit crying when I read this on twitter. I don’t know why this man make me feel so many things. Maybe because after July 1st, I need to be back to my reality and responsibilities, that give me much burden, that make me feel stressed, afraid, devastated, nervous, anxious, and worry. That I feel lots of emotions that hold me from my own happiness and make me so hard to feel happy. And maybe, maybe I need someone to tell me that everything is okay, that’s okay to feel that emotions, that’s okay to let go and feel happy, that’s okay to take care of yourself first. That’s okay. I don’t listen to this song yet, but I know this song will give me so much comfort and make me feel warm.

Lastly, I know that’s okay to feel all these feelings and to let go for a while, but at the end I need to face my responsibilities and finish all of it. So, Riqqah, that’s okay. Let’s be better again, let’s find the muse again, let’s find that sparks again, let’s be brave and dream again, cause you have forever to figure your life out and that’s okay, that’s freaking okay. During this eighteen months, let’s get better and work on yourself, so when you meet Kyungsoo again you can show that you both have been better. Graduate as soon as possible, meet the psychiatrist, fight the anxieties, learn Korean, write again, read books, learn keyboard, travel by yourself, get a job, find yourself, be happy and content about yourself.

Thank you so much, Kyungsoo-yaa. For being the coping mechanism I never know I needed in my life. For making me bear this shitty phase of my life. For making me want to work hard and be better. I never know I can feel this much feeling for someone I never know personally, but I am grateful to be able to know you in this life. That’s okay, we will be okay. Please let go all the feeling that stop us for being content and let’s be happy. Let’s meet again when we are the better version of ourselves, Kyungsoo-ya! I love you the most.

And Riqqah, I will learn to love you and let’s be happy together.

P.S: Everyone please give Kyungsoo much loves!

[ranseltoska]

Belakangan, rasanya capek banget hidup kayak gini. Gaada tujuan. Gaada motivasi. Gaada sparks untuk ngelakuin apapun. Punya tanggung jawab yang harusnya diselesaikan, tapi gak dikerjakan. Stuck aja di twitter dan tumblr. Ini hidup bahkan udah bukan mengalir lagi kayak ikan mati, tapi dah tersumbat, stuck di satu arah. Yang dengar cerita juga pasti kayak, halah masalah invalid banget sih, cetek doang. Kayak lo hampir merasa tidak ada tekanan dari mana-mana, tapi isi kepala lo bising banget penuh tekanan. Anjir, mau mati takut, hidup juga kayaknya gak berani lanjut. Boleh jadi kucing aja gak?