#fdjpunx talks

[famosoentrescalles]

I just want someone who loves and cares for me - and I know these people exist in my life. But as soon as someone comes near me - physically or emotionally - I shut down. I'm rarely able to process these actions. I don't know what I'm afraid of, it's probably just the trauma that's playing with me.

I grew up never experiencing mutual love or caring (at least I cannot remember anything else) - I just got beaten up for things I did wrong. I always felt like (and still do so) my issues were neither important nor valid. When I wanted to talk about a problem - or when I just felt sick - I got an eyeroll and a annoyed sigh as an answer. I was afraid to talk to and to trust people and still am. Now it makes me feel I'm incredibly annoying towards others and I cannot open up even if I'm asked how I've been several times by people who told me they deeply care about me a hundret times. (I cannot even open up to my therapist because I feel invalid.)

And it makes me feel so ashamed that I automatically lie to or reject people who love me just because I cannot process it / didn't learn it. ('It' stands broadly speaking for getting loved or being cared about.)

[famosoentrescalles]

I feel like it’s a huge problem that people think lefts / liberals only pay attention to their own political views, i.e. only reading / listening to statements that are conform with their opinion? The “Why” is too much of a problem to analyse it in a crappy Tumblr post. What I just wanted to say is: I spend hours reading right wing propaganda and such to try to understand what these people are thinking, how they conceive news etc. and how to maybe convince them that their thoughts are probably really harmful. 

[famosoentrescalles]

I dreamed about the video shoot of these weird die ärzte screaming videos. I just stood there watching them, Farin walked past me. He was wearing sweatpants and trainers from Adidas lol. Rob was also there. We talked then he left with Farin. I went home and received a like five minutes long voice message from drunk Rob telling me something and Farin sometimes interrupting him and telling me the correct thing. I was the happiest ever ushddk.

[famosoentrescalles]

So I just complained in the reblogs of that one post about dividing the standing areas into price categories, right. What else pisses me off is that nowadays you can only buy tickets via two or three websites which crash in that second the pre-sale starts. Why is it so hard to distribute small contingents of tickets to different booking offices aswell?  Also please start your damn online pre-sale at a reasonable time of the day. I have to work at 10am.

[famosoentrescalles]

I feel a little helpless in the battle against the new right wingers. Since most of all happens on the internet it is gotten onerous to counteract. People get to see and read what they want to and persuading gets more and more difficult to implement.  I do what I can, i.e. I vote, I distribute stickers, I educate myself, I question things and I try to speak up (I avoid demonstrations tho because I had a bad experience with police brutality, which still gives me panic attacks). I suppose to be more successful one has to convince the masses. However how this is currently done is against my believes. For me posting things on e.g. Twitter or Facebook is not as effective as direct action (?). People who do not conform with you will block you or even never read your page at all ‘cause they are only following accounts spreading their own believes.  Imo, to be a spanner in the works, i.e. doing small things that will reach persons directly will be more efficiently than trying to catch the masses where at best two people start thinking about what they have said and done. 

I know this is just lame complaining and I do not have a solution for this. But maybe someone will read it and think “I feel the same way. And here is a thing I thought of, what do you think? Possible answer to the issue?”.

(To clarify, because I feel like people could misunderstand this. I’m not shitting against the people who do this kind of work on social media sites. What they are doing it great and important. So, do what you think is the best!! I am no one to have the right to dictate to. However for me, personally, it is not a way because I do not have the charisma to be able to ‘stand’ infront of many persons (and I am not a fan of the social media concept either). And I bet many feel the same way as I do.) 

[famosoentrescalles]

You know how bad school fucked you up when you stand in front of your mirror in the morning and think "Do I apply make up or is there any chance I could cry today?".

And guess who didn't apply make up 90% of the time.

[famosoentrescalles]

Ringing in the ears, jacket is wet from beer and smells like an 80s clubs toilett. That's what I call a good concert tho. Also my feet hurt.

[famosoentrescalles]

So 2018 is here and I aggressively try to keep my good mood by thinking about the past four days. I had a great time, enjoyed the concerts as much as it was possible and all the hugs and cuddles really made me happy. I wish I could keep these positive vibes the tourlife gives me forever, because rn I’m struggeling with self harm thoughts and depression again. 

I’m angry about some minor issues that happened on tour and that my family doesn’t care about what I tell them - I hate the double standard that they’re totally fine with everything I do but completely ignore me when I talk about my experiences. I could talk to a wall instead and it would be the same result. And I don’t want to go to work again because I kinda can’t be who I am there (I suppose it’s because they all call me by my deadname). Also I can’t really blog about most of the time because it’s really private stuff.

So, here is what I experienced the last days: I danced so much that my feet ache with every step I take and my already injured knee hurts even more. I went stagediving a lot because it is so much fun and in the current setlist are many songs you can surf to perfectly. On the first day we got some cake for the drummer during the concert because it was his birthday and he was really happy about it tho it was a joke candle and you couldn’t blow it out (I bought them by mistake). At night we were so loud that the security came to our hotel room. :D  On the next day we went to Bremen and it really was a rough concert. The pogo was hard and I was pushed against the stage several times, also stagediving was complicated because people would throw you. Furthermore it was really fucking hot and I was in fear of me life because there were some really big and agressived ad drunk dudes in the moshpit. We left kinda early because R. didn’t feel well and we still had to drive one hour.  Then we went to Bielefeld (yes, and it is of course a big UFO landing field, just nobody wants to believe it...) where we had the best hotel room ever. It looked like an IKEA flat. We got pizza to our room and then went to the venue where it was already fucking hot inside when we arived and it got even hotter during the concert. We all sweated so much that our clothes were soaking wet afterwards. But this was really the best concert of the four ones we attended. (If I get ill again it’s R.s fault becaue he offered me his drink and then told me he had a fever that day and still has a really sore throat. And basically everyone else had a cold too, lol.) I talked a lot to him and we cuddled nearly the whole night and he showered me with compliments - it was incredible and I felt so loved and valid. He’s such a good and wholesome man - he deserves everything. We stayed backstage until like midnight and then walked to our hotel.  The last concert was in Köln but we stayed in Leverkusen because the hotels are much cheaper than in Köln. We got some roses (in the store was a guy who bought red roses for 110€ lmao) and chocolate for R. and B. as thank-you gift and some Jägermeister for A. because it was his last concert. The show started slow but after like five songs the crowd was as hot as the other days and I even went stagediving again tho the stage is like 1.50m high. For the last song we had sparklers that everyone loved. Afterwards we sat backstage and just talked and I ate the fucking best couscous salad ever. 

All in all it was awesome and I’m so thankful for knowing these amazing guys and always having fun at their concerts and especially I’m fucking thankful for R. I don’t know what I would be without him - I can’t stress this enough. 

[famosoentrescalles]

The best thing happening in my life EVER was that one time at the Ärzte concert in Berlin in 2013 when Farins guitar didn't work and at the end of the concert someone forgot to turn off the speakers and you just heared the Windows error sound and then the Windows shut down sound. And 40.000 people laughed.

[famosoentrescalles]

All these ~Aesthetic Nature Photography~ Instagram posts that get hundreds and thousands of notes make me feel like photography isn't anything special anymore. It's not difficult to grab your iPhone and take pictures of a forest and put lots of filters on it. But these rich Hipsters do it and get so much recognition for it.

[famosoentrescalles]

My biggest problem with depression? I cannot accept that I do not have to function perfectly everytime. I cannot allow myself to rest because I have to work hard hence I appear "normal" to other people.

I do not want others to know that I'm mentally ill because of all the prejudices.

[famosoentrescalles]

I was slightly wasted last night because I got my period right before the concert and painkillers always make me act like I'm a lil bit drunk and touchy and everything. So I told R. I love him and he said he loves me too. And yeah, his hugs are still the best (at least from a man lol) and I'm still so fucking happy that The Busters are on tour again and I'm smiling like dumb shit.

[famosoentrescalles]

Yesterday night the best time of the year started: The Buster on winter tour.

I haven't seen the boys since March and honestly I cried when they entered stage. The show was incredible and I realized how much I really missed them. The Busters concerts are still the best antidepressant in the world. Afterwards there was some disco stuff and I danced alot with Robs (Inga made a video lol rip) and we talked and cuddle so much. I really missed that man and I'm glad we are still such good friends after the long time we haven't seen eachother. I also talked alot with Richie and yeah missed him too alot and we're playing Quizduell again like every winter tour. I'm so so happy that it's finally this time of the year again and I will see them nearly every weekend.

Although they only played songs from the last tour it was amazing and it felt like coming home.

[famosoentrescalles]

I got the new The Busters album in the mail yesterday but the release date is 1st december so yeah. I already listened to it and there are great bangers on it and I can't wait to hear them live. (Also the video I'll be probably in is to a song Rob wrote, I'm slightly screaming)

[famosoentrescalles]

I’m ill again but actually don’t know what it is - maybe some childhood diseas my mom implanted from the kindergarden. Anyway they’re testing it rn but I won’t get any result until monday but I already have to take the meds which are ones I never took before. I’m afraid that I’m highly allergic to them because I’m allergic to most of the antibiotics that exist.

Last time I had a childhood disease I was wasted for like six weeks, in one week I went to see a doctor everyday and I nearly died because of an allergic reaction. So I really hope it’s just a normal angina... Also because I’m going to Berlin next week.

[famosoentrescalles]

I'll never not love and appreciate Farin Urlaub because his music saved me several times from k*lling myself. And yes I love talking about him and I do it alot. Why? Because it makes me feel better and it's a positive constant in my life. Nobody else's music made me feel good like his.

I wish I could tell him and say thank you