#fbi man we promise we are not dealing meth

[madame-fear]

Meth

I had to look at my phone camera and say "It’s a joke, get it?" and form a circle on the side of my head with my index finger so the FBI doesn’t arrest us

[darthkieduss]

Trump’s Rise to Power

How did Donald Trump rise to power? How did a sociopathic fat hairless ape become the most powerful man in the world?

It all started in the 1990s with Donald “Fat Donnie” Trump. A string of bankruptcies had left Fat Donnie a deadbeat on the street. But somehow, he keeps getting money. But where? According to Donald “Donny Douchebag” Trump Jr, the asshole that didn’t fall far from the fucking tree, said that “Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of our assets.” This was collaborated by his brother Eric “Short Bus” Trump, who told his friends that “We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia.” BINGO! Sarah Palin might see Russia from her meth lab, but Fat Donnie can see it from his bank account. Eventually, Fat Donnie got bored with Melania and was ready to fuck someone new: ‘MURICA.

Meanwhile, in Russia, ex-KGB agent Vladimir “Vladdy Bats” Putin is looking to install a puppet in the country he still hates. But who? Who’s desperate and dumb enough? Take a wild guess...

So, according to the Steele Dossier, Vladdy Bats reached into his old bag of KGB tricks to blackmail and compromise Fat Donnie, not just with the bank loans, but by secretly filming him with Ivanna Goldenshower and her fellow prostitute Natasha Urinkostekstra.

In 2014, Vladdy Bats invades Ukraine, which causes US President Barack “Black Dumbo” Obama and his consigliere Hillary “The Nutcracker” Clinton to impose crippling economic sanctions on Russia, which scuttles a multi-million dollar deal for Black Sea oil between Russia and Exxon Mobile run by now Secretary of State Rex “I drink your milkshake” Tillerson. Coincidence? I think NYET.

Vladdy Bats doesn’t like his oil deal going south, so he fixes things in Washington by paying millions to Paul “Paulie Numbnuts” Manafort, now in prison for treason after being investigated by every agency in the US except William Morris. For good reason, he was so far up Putin’s ass, he could taste his lunch. So it raised eyebrows when one day, out of nowhere, he becomes campaign manager for Fat Donnie, even offers to do the job for free. Though word on the street is a Russkie was paying...

Also Paulie Numbnuts used to be partners at a lobbying firm with Fat Donnie’s albino assassin Roger Stone, who is secret Twitter pals with Guccifer, AKA Russian Intelligence. They’d been hacking the Democratic Party’s private emails and sending them to WikiLeaks founder Julian “Gay Richard Branson” Assange.

On October 7, 2016, at 1:03 p.m., the famous “Access Hollywood tape” is leaked, which in the old days of civility would’ve been Fat Donnie’s ticket to defeat. But 29 minutes later, WikiLeaks announces it’s suddenly come across a trove of DNC emails and releases the first 2,000. Every intelligence agency in America says the hack came from Russia. But Fat Donnie, covering for his puppet masters, doesn’t agree and says it could’ve been anybody, even a fat guy on his bed. Yeah, a lot of things could be, like the meeting Donny Douchebag set up with 8 Kremlin-connected Russians in the middle of the campaign that he said was about “adoptions”. BULLSHIT. Republicans don’t care about other people’s kids.

An email turned up addressed to Donny promising “Very high level and sensitive information [that is] part of Russia and its government’s support of Mr. Trump.” Donny Douchebag’s responded “I love it!”...because he’s a fucking idiot.

Also at the meeting were Paulie Numbnuts and Fat Donnie’s son-in-law Jared “The Jew” Kushner. Jared the Jew also needs Russian money to cover bad bets so he meets secretly with Russian ambassador and spy master Sergey “Big Potato” Kislyak, a meeting that also includes Michael “Mikey Head Case” Flynn, who had accepted buckets of money to “advise” Russia and then served as National Security Adviser to Fat Donnie before he had to resign after being caught lying about Russia to Vice President Mike “The Guard of the Hawk” Pence.

Everybody lies about knowing Big Potato except for Fat Donnie, who invites him right into the Oval Office with that shit-eating grin of his to yuck it up the day after he fired FBI Director James “Jimmy the Giant” Comey, the boy-scout election fucker who had been investigating the whole mess.

It all adds up. All we lack is a confession. But Donald Trump is a narcissistic psychopath. Part of narcissistic personality and anti-social personality disorders is the inability to admit wrong-doings. So unless more evidence comes up before November 2020, we’ll never be rid of Trump.

[donaldresslerfanfic]

No Secrets

Rating: M

Warnings: Strong Language, Sexual Content.

Word Count: 2761

Donald Ressler X OC Maggie Waters.

Chapter: Eighty-Four

Chapter Index

Story on Wattpad

Ressler.

I was onto something.

After I found out that Liz had lied to us in a case, I started to tie things together. Reddington has a secret. He'd gotten the duffel and the secret back, then he was incarcerated.

Liz lied about a case she was researching, and now we know nothing of it because the blacklister was dead. She told me the benefit of everything would outweigh the cost. The benefit, I assumed, was finding out Reddington's secret, and one death in the was was something she was willing to accept.

I was wrecking my brain about the blacklister, why would Liz want a killer who weights down pros and cons of killing somebody, and why Reddington had giving us the case about the man who killed people with beatles. I was definitely absorbed into everything as I was cleaning up the table when I heard Maggie call me from the front door. I walked to her and frowned when I saw her with the door open.

"What's-" I looked outside, finding Liz "Liz what's wrong?"

"I need to show you something" she said in a low voice.

"Okay" I said looking quickly at Mags. "I'll be right back"

"It's going to take longer than that" she assured. I turned in and grabbed a jacket from the hanger.

"Don't widow me" Maggie said as she closed the door behind me, I gave her a smile over my shoulder as she completely shut the door, then walked down the entrance to my house as I shrugged my jacket on.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Well, that's a stolen van" she motioned at the van.

"That's not that bad"

"Yeah, but there's also a dead body inside the stolen van" she said in a whisper as she continued walking.

"So" I said after we crossed the gate of my community and drove a few blocks in silence. "Who is the guy in the back?"

She let our a heavy sigh and gave me a quick look.

"I found out the truth that Tom died trying to uncover, the truth that Reddington has been hiding" she said heading towards a parking lot and parking the van. "Inside the bag, there was a skeleton, and with it, a DNA report that says that the bones are from Raymond Reddington"

I blinked, then squinted my eyes at her. Reddington was dead? Then who was the person who I'd been working with? For how long had I and everyone around them been fooled?

Liz began to tell me everything, from how she found out about the people who killed Tom, how she found out about the bones, how Reddington had been preventing her from finding out the truth, about Jennifer and her part in their search, her relationship with Garvey, how it was her who tipped the police, how she was tracking one by one the people who had been involved in Reddington's change of appearance.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to wrap my head around this" I said after she hurriedly tried to explain everything to me. "So Reddington's not Reddington. He's-"

"An imposter" she confirmed.

"Who you turned in. I mean he's fighting the death penalty because of you"

"If I would've gone the the FBI he would've known about Jennifer and I"

I found that hard to believe. She explained further about the surgeon that changed Reddington's face, and how in the pursuit of one of the nurses, Jennifer had been taken, the guy in the back of the van was one of the guards.

"We're going to find her" I assured her, she gave me a little defeated look.

"How?" I exited the van and opened the door of the back searching in my pocket for a pocket knife.

"Same way we always do" I said looking for the dead guy's hand and applying a little pressure with the blade, cut his finger "evidence".

After a quick drive to the blacksite, I ran the print of the finger and Liz took care of seeing if she could track Jennifer's last movements.

After the finger threw some results, I told Liz everything I knew about the guard and who was he guarding. Marko Jankowics. I knew about him and the covert operations of the taskforce that tracked him down.

"These are the only pictures the Bureau has on Jankowics" I said presenting them to Liz, she instantly took one and showed it to me.

"This is her, the nurse, Renard".

"That's his girlfriend" I confirmed. We were tying things together little by little.

"I gotta call it in. Tell Cooper"

"You should've gone to Cooper a long ago, now it's way past that" I said, not giving it much hope to how Cooper was going to handle the whole imposter thing. It occurred to me that Liz could ask Reddington for help. Even though he was going to find out eventually, he was still going to help Liz, he had continued helping Liz and being there for her through enough betrayals already.

She left to talk to him, and I returned home for the night, not before making her promise me to look for me after she had a lead. I didn't wanted Liz getting into trouble by her own.

I snuck into bed at almost three AM, I didn't bother undressing, just took off my shoes and laid beneath one of the superficial covers. Maggie looked up with squinted eyes, moving her hair out of her face.

"You okay?" She asked, moving towards me.

"Kind of" I replied, holding her by the shoulders and pulling her to my chest. She sighed in comfort and hugged me by the torso. "We'll talk tomorrow" I placed a kiss on her forehead and rubbed her back. She fell asleep a few seconds after that.

I slept until past my alarm and Mag's, but luckily I didn't sleep through my phone's ringtone. I picked it up as I sat on the bed.

"Ressler" I answered, rubbing my eyes.

"Jankowics' smuggler, I have a description of her, she's arriving at the airport in an hour"

"Meet you at the blacksite" I said putting on my shoes again an walking out of the bedroom.

In there, we found the girl who was in his employ, and to our surprise, she was pregnant.

We took her back to my house, in the garage we sat her down at one of the laundry chairs and Liz began to interrogate her. After a few minutes of her completely avoiding our questions, the door of the garage opened. I looked over my shoulder and walked to Mags as she walked in with a frown.

"What are you doing at the house?" I asked, she looked over my shoulder with a frown.

"It's Saturday" she explained, then gave me a little inquisitive smile. "I don't even want to know what's happening" she said and then lowered her voice "I'm going to delete the video footage of the-" she motioned with the hand at the high security camera we had in the garage.

"That would help" I said with a nod "I'm interrogating a witness" I explained.

"It's fine" she said with a hand wave "just be careful"

"Thanks love" I replied, then saw her walk out of the garage and shut the door behind her.

"There's only one number saved to speed dial. It's got to be his, right?" I turned around and looked at the phone number. "If Sarkany trusts her to make deals, he'll probably trade her for Jennifer." I looked back at the door again, hoping Maggie wasn't on the other side listening. No, she wouldn't.

"Hey. She'll be okay" Liz said catching my attention, I nodded and took the phone from her hand.

"Yeah, I know. Let's talk about this trade" we walked further down the garage and I phoned the number with mine.

"Just ask for proof that Jennifer is alive, we'll met at the parking lot from earlier." I nodded and placed the phone in my ear to talk to Jankowics.

He refused to let me talk with Jennifer, and I couldn't hear anything in the background, but I was suddenly ripped off of the call by Liz calling frantically my attention. One second I was holding the phone, and the next I was opening up the stomach of this girl to pull out a silicone bag full of drugs out of her.

When I looked up at her, she was dead. Liz looked at me after she hung up on the 911 operator, there was nothing we could to about it. We placed her inside the van and the phone dinged with an address. It was a parking lot, and Liz and I got in motion to meet with Jankowics.

"Maggie, she was-" Liz began after I parked and sat silently in the van for a few minutes "awkwardly calm about you doing this"

I smiled to myself and nodded "yeah, somehow me helping you with a drug mule is very far on her list of worries, she has a two year old to take care of"

"Are you going to tell her?" She asked inquisitively. I looked at her and frowned.

"Of course"

"Even if her knowing could put her in danger?"

"What danger?" I asked even more confused.

"Reddington's"

I scoffed and dismissed her with a shake of my head.

"That's not going to happen" I looked back at her and sighed "don't take this the wrong way Keen, but your situation has made me realize I can't hold anything to myself. I promised to myself and to her I would never keep a secret. Maggie has been the only relationship out of the many I have had to dust me off after a hard case and send me off again, because she understands how important my job is to me. I owe her every bit of honesty"

The headlights of a car showed up in the entrance of the parking lot. I looked at Liz to make sure she was ready.

"We're going to get her back" I assured, then exited the vehicle.

I saw Jankowics intentions with the first sentence he said, and when I assured that we had his product and would get it as soon as he delivered Jennifer, I armed myself as I looked for the bag of drugs.

He quickly drew his gun after Jennifer was safe and sound with Liz, and I shot him through the bag that was concealing the gun, luckily Liz knew about the set up and quickly took care of the other armed guards.

I found myself with an opened bag of crystal meth, and a dead body in the back of my truck. I heard Liz talk to her sister on the front of the car and took the opportunity to dial Maggie.

"Hey love" she saluted "how is it going?"

"Not half bad, I've got a-" I looked between the body and the bag of ruptured drugs that littered the trunk of the car "mess in the car I'd like to get rid of. Do you know of someone?"

"Mmm" she hummed and heard her move stuff in the background "I can give you the address of someone who does"

"How much is that gonna cost?"

"I've been craving a brownie with ice cream for a while"

I smiled to myself and looked ahead, finding Liz talking to Jennifer still.

"I can do that. Send me the address"

"Will do" she hung up, and as I closed the trunk and walked to the driver's side, I got a text. I hopped into the car and waited for Liz and Jennifer to do the same.

"Jennifer can take us to Renard" she said. I turned on the engine and gave her a nod.

"We're getting rid of the car on the way there"

The address Mags had sent me was one of the blindspots in the city in the loading station of a set of stores. We exited the car, and I saw a guy walk out of an Audi. We didn't exchange much, just simply our keys. I guessed Maggie must've arranged the payment with him.

"Who's that guy?" Liz asked as she sat on the passenger side, I buckled in to drive to Renard's location.

"No clue" I answered simply "he's going to take care of the car for us though"

I drove to Jankowics' mansion, and in the way I learned that Jennifer told Liz that Renard said that Reddington's surgery had been arranged by Liz's mother.

Everything got more intricate by the second, and sadly we didn't find Renard in Jankowics' house, or much resistance for that matter.

I dropped Liz at her place, she didn't look to happy that we didn't catch the nurse. I was sure we were never going to hear form her again. She asked Reddington for help, and he must've acted on that Intel.

Before I returned to the house, I did drop by a place and bought Maggie some brownies, and it was a staple to have ice cream at the house.

Maggie was putting Alma to sleep when I arrived, and I made the time to serve her the brownie and scoop some ice cream on top of it.

"Oh, what did I ever do to deserve you?" She said as she walked in the kitchen and looked at the desert. She opened the drawer and took a spoon ready to go at it.

"Same. Same? Is that how you sat it?" She muffled a laugh as she had just bitten into the brownie, but gave me a funny look. I grabbed her by the waist and kissed her forehead.

I sat in the island stool, she was happily eating away, and I wondered how long was it going to take for her to question me about what I'd been doing all day and night.

She gave me a side look as she ate, and when caught me staring she turned to me and leaned on the island.

"What?" She asked, spooning another bite.

"I uh... I'm going to tell you what happen" she nodded.

"Okay" she left the spoon and pulled the other stool to sit.

"Reddington's secret. Liz figured it out. He was hiding that he's an imposter" he curved her eyebrows in a distrusting frown. "And Liz is trying to find out why on Earth would someone do that?"

"Furthermore, why would someone take someone's place to do like... Bad things, stain their name"

"Yeah, exactly" I nodded. She continued eating.

"And how are you feeling?" She said giving me a quick look "you can't be too happy to find out that the person who you've been hunting for years is not the person who they say it was"

"I am mad" I confirmed "I still have questions I would like answered" she hummed as she finished, licking her lips. "I guess I would be more mad if I didn't have anything else going for myself"

She chuckled, giving me a shy smile as she took the plate and left it in the sink.

"I'm going to help Liz in any way I can" I followed, she gave me a look with a nod, as if she knew I was going to say that.

"Wouldn't expect anything less from you Agent Ressler" she said, placing her hand on my back and leading me out of the kitchen.

"You don't seem to angry at the news?"

"Why would I" she said as we walked out of the kitchen.

"Well, for one, he didn't know your dad" I looked at her frown, and I saw her eyes move, as in searching for something in her brain.

"That's not entirely true, but I'm not mad because-" she waved her hand in the air with a scowl "because I don't know why he did what he did. So I don't think I have enough information to judge him"

"You're always on the side of your boyfriend Reddington" I joked as I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her up, she hooked her arms and legs around me

"Mmm, and are you jealous I'm stealing your boyfriend Reddington?" She said over my lips, then kissed me. I chuckled and opened the door of the bedroom.

"You can have him all for all I care" I closed the door quietly behind me and  walked a few short steps to the bed.

"I prefer you" she said over my lips, then kissed me again.