#fandom IS my social life and my stress relief and I don’t think it will be a thing soon at this rate

[apostaterevolutionary]

I’m really upset by the upcoming functionality loss as apparently tumblr is getting rid of the desktop post editor and switching to the crappy mobile one. But I’ve seen NO posts about this? Am I the only one? They’re basically killing gifsets (don’t work properly on the new editor) and fucking over artists with crappier image quality and I’ve just seen… silence? The archive will be worse as post types won’t exist anymore? No copying multiple paragraphs? A hint that old posts soon won’t be editable? I have over a decade of posts here and I do NOT want to lose access to them. Like I’m fucking panicking cause this WILL really hurt fandom, the group tumblr has been most trying to cater to. Like I think between this and other social media sites going down the tubes, I feel like fandom as a whole will not exist in a few years at this rate. I’m not trying to spread panic, I genuinely feel this way unless some other site comes along or staff gets their heads out of their assess

So poll (which ironically don’t work in the desktop editor although it’d be literally so easy to implement)

[woodrokiro]

Bar Service (fic)

Fandom: Bleach

Characters/Pairing: IchiRuki

Summary: Bartenders--especially bartenders around the corner from her apartment--are strictly off limits. Restaurant AU. Written for @ichirukimonth . TW warning for mentioned child abuse. 

She doesn’t think much of the restaurant a few blocks away from her new apartment.

She always passes it to and from her work commute, of course. Maybe from time to time she glanced over, musing how it looks cute enough--a great place to take a date or some friends....

Before Rukia remembers: 1. She doesn’t have the time or capacity to date, and 2. She has no friends here yet… And probably won’t for a while, considering her lifelong difficulty making them in the first place. 

It’s fine by her, honestly. She likes throwing everything she has into her job, loves doing her best to earn a smile or laugh from her patients. That’s enough social interaction for her, and at the end of the day she can go home, pour a glass of wine, switch the television on to some silly drama and order takeout without mourning the “loss” of a Friday night.

So for the first few months that she’s living in Karakura: no. She doesn’t even think about stepping foot in Amore e Morte. 

Until she gets a particularly bad case at work. 

The fact that it was a foster child case alone makes her heart hurt--but of course, there’s always more with these sort of situations. 

A little girl named Hina, aged eight but looking so much smaller waiting there in her office. The social worker sitting with her--a woman named Rangiku, who Rukia knows a little and actually quite likes--squeezes Hina’s tiny hand before pulling Rukia to the side, quietly explaining the situation. 

Physical abuse from her former home where she had been for a year. Her teacher kept noticing bruises in odd places and finally called CPS, who did nothing for two months before the behavior escalated and Hina ended up in the ER.

Her new foster mom is a real nice lady, says she hasn’t been acting out or anything but… Rangiku shrugs, flashing a reassuring smile when the little girl looks their way. You know. 

She knows. 

So Rukia does what she does best: she goes to the little girl, introduces herself by her first name, and focuses on her work until she can sob angrily in her car at lunch break. 

And when her workday is done, when her emotions are fried and she’d really like a drink or three anywhere but her lonely apartment--she sees the restaurant’s sign, glowing warmly in the dusk light. 

Amore e Morte. Love and death. A weird name for a restaurant, she thinks, and wonders if the owners either don’t know Italian and thought the name was cool or are just uppity snobs. 

If you’d stop being so cynical you might go out and actually enjoy life. She can practically hear Renji’s voice scoffing in her ear now.

She parks her car at home before walking back over to the restaurant.

--

The outside of the restaurant is nice enough, but the inside is… Well. Lovely.

Brick walls painted white make the entire place look minimalist yet cozy. A couple of trendy paintings hanging sparsely through the restaurant makes the environment chic, but not overbearing. A few hanging lanterns bring just enough light to let everyone see where they’re going, but otherwise candles are utilized at each of the tables for a romantic touch.

Rukia sees by the sheer number of couples there that it is indeed a good place to bring a date.

And by the looks of one dish smelling deliciously of chicken and bell peppers that passes her by in a waiter’s hand, the food isn’t too bad either. Rukia’s mouth waters. 

“A table for one, miss?” 

Rukia startles from her musings, feeling rather silly as the bright and cheery hostess smiles patiently back. 

“Oh! No, I don’t think that’s necessary. I wouldn’t want to take up one of your tables. Do you have bar seating?”

“Of course! Right this way.” 

The hostess leads her into an adjacent room that sits tucked away from the main dining room. There’s still a couple of tables in this room, and two of the eight bar stools are occupied but it’s so much quieter here, the noise of the dining room a mere buzz. She breathes a small sigh of relief as she takes the stool at the far end. She wanted to be out and about, just… Not that out and about.

“Our bartender Kurosaki-kun will be taking care of you. I believe he’s just in the back talking to Chef, he should be right back.”

Rukia thanks her, taking a glance at the menu. 

She quickly finds out Chef Yasutora Sado’s menu inspiration is Mexican-Japanese fusion cuisine, which is… Interesting, considering the restaurant’s name is Italian. In any case, she’s fascinated. Rukia by no account considers herself a foodie, but the thought of blending traditional Japanese dishes with Mexican spices and turning them into something like sukiyaki tacos makes her stomach growl. 

“Can I get you something other than water to drink?”

Her gaze flickers from the menu to the well-toned arm extended out toward her, pouring a glass of water. Her eyes move up the arm to the man it’s attached to. 

A handsome guy, she’ll admit: if it wasn’t for the obviously bleached orange hair, the sword tattoo on his forearm peeking out from under his rolled sleeve, and the fact that he looked like he wanted to be literally anywhere else.

If she had to pick him out from a crowd, there’s no doubt she’d know him as a bartender. What a walking cliche. 

“Yes, I’ll take--” She didn’t even take a glance at the drink menu. She looks down quickly. “Sorry. Can I get a matcha mojito?” 

He nods, his hands suddenly flying through liquors and shakers and mixes to make her drink. “You ready for food, too?” 

“Any recommendations?” 

“Everything.”

She snorts. She’d be irritated by the subpar service if it wasn’t for his small smirk at her response. 

“Seriously, everything’s good here. If you get something you don’t like, drinks are on me.”

“Risky.” Rukia lifted an eyebrow. “You place that bet with every customer?”

“Every single one.” 

She highly doubts that, but she appreciates the trust in his workplace nonetheless. She orders a couple of small plates, and he tends to his other drink orders while she sips her own. 

The food, when it comes out, is… Infuriatingly good. Infuriating because she would have loved to have scored a couple free drinks off the arrogant punk bartender, but she’ll have to swallow her pride because the sukiyaki taco is absolute divinity. She sips her second drink, already accepting that she’s gonna have to admit to him she’ll be paying full price for everything she ordered.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like she’ll have a chance to gloat. From what she hears next door, dinner service has picked up and with that: drink orders. He’s doing as well as he can--hands expertly flying through the liquors, garnishing the cocktails with an expert flourish before passing them on to a server--but she can tell he’s feeling the stress, particularly when he reads his second to last ticket in the rush.

“Fuck,” she hears as he rolls his eyes, stalking over to the wine cabinet. A server comes by, concerned. 

“You need anything, Ichigo?”

He waves a hand, not turning to look at his coworker. “No, no I’m fine. Just annoying when I don't open a bottle before rush, that’s all.”

The server scuttles off to tend to her tables while Rukia watches him bang a (very expensive looking) wine bottle on the counter, clumsily ripping into the foil with an opener. At one point he cuts his thumb, and he half-hazardly wraps a paper napkin around it while he tries helplessly to pull the cork up. The wine opener doesn’t grip the bottle steadily a couple of times, she waits on baited breath to see if he’ll break the bottle. After a few dangerous-looking test runs, he manages to hoist the cork up, cursing out a “fucking finally” at the sound of the cork popping.

The whole thing must have taken ten minutes.

Maybe it’s the matcha mojitos finally hitting her, but she can’t help it. She laughs. 

He shoots her a wild look and she covers her chuckles with the back of her hand. 

“Sorry, sorry! I’m not--it’s not funny. I just… That was the most atrocious opening of a wine bottle I’ve ever seen.”

Ichigo stares for a moment before scoffing, turning back to his (finally opened) bottle and pours the wine into a glass. “Yeah, well… I don’t do wine service here, lady.”

“Excuse me? That’s ridiculous. You’re a bartender.”

“Exactly. Bartender. I do cocktails, not fancy wine stuff.”

“Let me guess, you consider yourself a mixologist.”

“Don’t ever call me that. Ever.” He’s shaking his head as he moves on to his next order, but oddly enough Rukia feels like she knows he’s suddenly having a good time. “Like I said, I don’t do wine etiquette and all that. That’s for the servers.”

“I’m just… It’s hard to believe you’ve made it this far in a nicer restaurant’s bar without knowing how to open wine.”

“Not that far. I’ve been here for like, six months.” He shrugs at her inquisitive stare. “Old buddies with the chef. I bar backed in college where he was a line cook, so… And if he ever got sick of me, my sister is his sous chef. Then again, she’s more likely to fire me than he is, the brat.”

“Especially with you not knowing how to open a fine vintage.”

“Get over it. When it’s not busy I get one of the servers to help me.” He looks down, having seemingly forgotten about his paper toweled thumb. “Shit. Hang on, I gotta get a bandaid from the back--”

“I have some, if you want.” Rukia starts digging through her purse. “If there’s not some restaurant code for the kind of bandage you’re supposed to use, of course.”

“If it looks neater than a shoddy paper towel job, ‘should be fine. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Here.” 

He stares at her outstretched hand. She stares back, getting more irritated as she waits. 

“What?”

“... It’s a Chappy bandaid.”

“So?”

“So why are you a grown ass woman carrying around Chappy bandaids?” 

“They’re for my patients, for kids.” She’s telling the truth, technically. To say she also quite enjoys Chappy as a character does not need to be mentioned. “Do you want it or not? Swallow your manly pride or go looking for an ugly beige bandage while your tickets pile up again. Tick tock.”

“Fine! All right, already.” He takes the bandaid and starts unpeeling the paper adhesive. “You a pediatrician or something?” 

“Child psychologist.” Suddenly Rukia remembers Hina’s sweet face and feels terrible for not thinking about her once this entire dinner. 

“Jesus.” Ichigo’s shaking his head, pressing Chappy to his cut.

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the guilt, maybe it’s the fact that it’s such a weird response to her revealing her profession, but Rukia can’t help it. She narrows her eyes and crosses her arms.

If he’s uncomfortable with her sudden hostility, he doesn’t show it. He shrugs. “It’s just… I can imagine it’s a hard job. Sometimes, anyway.” 

Oh. 

“Oh,” she exhales. “I’m sorry, I--yes. It can be, yes.I just… That sort of response I’ve only ever gotten from people that don’t believe in the importance of mental health. ‘Shrink talk’ and what have you.”

“Nah, I believe it.” He’s finished his job of covering his wound and moved on to his next drink order. 

She’s abashedly stirring the ice in her glass when she barely hears him say: “I had to go to a children’s therapist once, as a kid. Helped me a lot.”

She raises her head to look at him. He hasn’t changed his facial expression, nor is there any change to his body language as he continues to do his job--but as a psychologist, Rukia can’t help but wonder whether she’s the first person he’s ever told this to. 

“Me too. When I was a child, I… A therapist had helped me, too.” She raises her glass and clears her throat. “To recognizing childhood trauma, I suppose.”

He lets out a short laugh at the sudden dark joke, a sound so quick and so… So nice she can’t stop the fleeting thought that it’s a sound she’d like to hear more of. She shoves it away. 

Bartenders are absolutely off limits. 

He raises the glass that he’s mixing a cocktail in. “Yeah. Cheers.”

--

Later when she finally picks up the check, she pauses.

“Excuse me.” She waves Ichigo down, maybe just a tad tipsy. “You got the check wrong.”

He frowns, taking the bill from her and scanning it. “What are you…”

“You forgot to put a drink on there. My third one.”

It clicks and he rolls his eyes. “Oh my god.”

“What? I’m being honest.”

“It’s on me.” He slides the receipt back to her. 

“But I didn’t dislike any of the dishes!”

“Take some advice, will you Doc? If the restaurant staff didn’t put something on your bill and you still got it, chances are: we wanted to give it to you.” They lock eyes for an intense moment before he clears his throat, looks down to wipe his (suspiciously clean) bar. “‘To childhood trauma,’ and all that. Now stop yapping so loud about it. You want everyone in the restaurant to hear about me giving out free stuff?”

She shuts her mouth at that, but one small detail about what he said is bothering her.

“It’s not ‘Doc,’ so you know. I have a name. It’s Rukia. Rukia Kuchiki.”

“Okay. Whatever, Rukia.” He turns around and waves his hand. “And I’m Ichigo. Just pay your damn bill and come back soon or whatever.”

And with that: she guesses she has a new spot.

[serenedash]

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

[whumpbby]

whumpbby 😭 commiserate with meeee. Idk if you've seen this post that's kind of blowing up about how fandoms are racist in general because they always focus on white characters and ships over the POC ones and to be real, it's not that I disagree. I do agree, very much so, though I think the issue is way more nuanced. But I figure hey it's still a relevant post and I go to reblog and then I realise it's written by a goddamn anti 😭😭😭 now I have hIVES gdi the op is in the notes screeching at people for being kylo ren fans and telling them to die and I'm just So Over This, we can't have anything nice

The worst part is that this post got onto my dash from the blog writingwithcolour who gives really good and multi-cultural advice on writing POC and while I see why they'd reblog it, my automatic EWW UGH reaction to finding an anti's post unfiltered on my dash is now putting serious sus on that blog :((( I'm just here to whine at you dats all but yeah antis are ruining so many good things about Fandom I can't even feel good about a relevant post anymore

*commiserating*

I feel ya, the fandom that is supposed to be the place of fun and unwinding being overridden with self-congratulory bullshit is a pet peeve of mine too. 

It is hard to find a balance between ‘ yeah, these issues exist’ and a ‘no, I am not here for that’ and not end up on this or that pitchfork, because we seem to be living in the time and social sphere where daring not to be concerned about the current issue of the week for even one second of the day marks one as a degenerate/racist/sexist/take your pick. It’s the wart marking the witch. And you are expected to prove your creed constantly, to preform to someone’s satisfaction until they deem to absolve you. 

If she floats, she’s a witch. If she drowns, she’s not, but well, the point is moot.  

It’s tiring, god, it’s exhausting - when already so many things are exhausting in the real life we have outside of these fandom spaces. And it gets doubly exhausting once you realise that - it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. No graph showing how many poc characters are NOT being shipped, no list of authors who ship ‘problematic’ ships, not one anon message trying to shame someone into not doing something - NONE OF IT MATTERS. 

NONE. Not one grain of good has come out of it. 

People see a problem and get invested and sometimes the problem is real and needs solution - and very often we are so small and have no resources and we can’t help in any realistic way. So, brain comes up with ways of helping us feel less shitty about out own helplessness and we invest ourselves so deeply into them, because what else can we do? That post, that blog, that call to arms, that callout, that anon message - we are doping something! We are helping! 

We are doing something, right? Right??? 

It’s so hard to admit that not one child was saved by the witch hunt on Ao3, not one minor was saved form grooming by attacking fanfic writers on whatever platform, not one person was saved form abuse by attacking trans people, not one person was helped by the war on the “Q-word”, not one goddamn soul was helped by the anti-bullshit. All it results in is misery and pain and harassment, but hey, at least someone is reacting! - and, hey, these are ‘effects’, right? And we’re after ‘effects’ because at least we are doing something if it has effects, right??  

These movements, these tactics, these people - they are nothing else than kids stomping their feet in their respective kiddy pools and thinking the waves they create change the currents of the real ocean. They imagine they are stopping a tsunami hitting some foreign land when all they do is splash on the people who just want to wet their feet in the same pool. 

Listen. A story. 

In my town there's this guy who will randomly appear in the market square and shout about God and Salvation and how everyone sucks. This recent Christmas he positioned himself right opposite of the charity orchestra and was a nuisance to anyone who wanted to stop for a moment and listen to them playing Christmas carols - to have in this depressing and cold, and busy end of a crap year we have all survived, a moment of respite, of Christmas cheer, a crumb of relief. Usually the orchestra is surrounded by people and kids throwing coins into their box, by folk recording on their phones, etc. No, this this year no one could enjoy a moment of peace, because a nutcase behind tried to overshout the orchestra, so people kept walking, intimidated and annoyed. 

Out of frustration and, I admit, curiosity, I walked up to him and asked why won’t he move over to let the orchestra play - what I got was more shouting. Because listening to Christmas carols was hypocritical without the sprinkling of despair over the state of humanity and Our Sins. 

He wouldn’t engage, he wouldn't speak to me like a person - I was standing two feet form the guy and he was yelling at the top of his lungs so everyone heard him. I was raised Catholic in one of the most Catholic damn countries in Europe, I know what God is about. But, you see, it didn’t matter to the guy, what mattered was that he needed to be heard yelling. This was his attempt at converting people - by yelling in their faces. He was doing something and feeling better for it! 

This  guy was the anti-movement in a real, compact, one-dude pill. Any anti-movement you can think of that picks a flag and then starts to screech in its shadow, because it makes them feel better about themselves. 

As for Kylo...

The hilarious hate towards Kylo fucking Ren of all people? Towards people who ship him? All that misplaced anger at the crappy treatment of the poc actors by Disney and predominantly male ‘fans’ of Star Wars?? Let that sink in - white dudes with money made decisions, white dudes on the internet ganged up on an actress - but nah, dude, the women who write fanfic are the culprit!  We can’t gang up on Disney and we are too afraid of the dudes on Reddit and 4chan, but these girls writing Reylo porn are there and accessible and not scary and not male! We can take them on!  

How is it not hilarious? How?? This level of misdirection and confusion, being so intimidated by the insurmountable task of being angry at a corporation that makes their merch (that they are still buying, because hey, a fan is a fan, who doesn’t want a baby Yoda t-shirt?) that all they can do is to spin around and bite the ankles of the person standing behind them? How is this not hilariously morally bankrupt and so pitifully, tragically human? 

Let the block button become your shield, another good blog will come, don't regret blocking ones you are not sure about. You’re here to relax, you don’t deserve this kind of stress. They will keep screeching, but you keep walking, friend, the orchestra is still there playing your tune, enjoy it. 

[dessarious]

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt56

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

AO3   Beginning   Previous   Next

Damian detransformed as soon as he entered the apartment. He gave Kaalki a sugar cube before renouncing them and putting the Miraculous in a random shirt pocket and hanging it in the closet. Thieves tended to go for the big ticket items and if someone was looking for the Miraculous specifically they’d assume it was in a more secure location.

With that done he headed out to meet Luka. The other boy had seemed concerned when they parted after getting Damian’s things but he wasn’t sure why. As he walked into the cafe he noticed Luka immediately. He was tense, well for Luka he was, but the moment he saw Damian his entire body relaxed. Damian just looked at the boy in confusion as he sat.

“So when do you have to head home?” Damian scowled at Luka’s question. What?

“I’m not going home.” He saw a flash of emotion on Luka’s face. Relief? That didn’t make any sense.

“What about your safety, isn’t that why your father didn’t want anyone knowing who you are in the first place?” Damian just scoffed. Pretty much anywhere was safer than Gotham considering he had members of the Rogues gallery trying to abduct him every other week.

“No he just wanted me to experience being a normal teenager, which I told him was stupid when he came up with this nonsense.” Luka’s eyes said he was barely suppressing laughter.

“I don’t know about that. You’ve made friends, dealt with bullies and school politics, had sleepovers, and hung out with and supported your friends. I’d say you check a lot of the ‘normal teenager’ boxes. All that’s really left is to go on a date.” Damian nearly choked on his drink at that off hand statement. When he saw Luka’s lips quirk up in an amused smile he knew that was the intention.  Two could play at that game.

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” Watching Luka sputter and turn red was highly satisfying since he’d yet to see the other boy lose his composure. Then he realized what he’d said and stiffened. He wanted to blame Marinette and her meddling but he wasn’t certain he could. Ever since she’d claimed he had a crush on Luka he’d been trying to disprove the idea. He hadn’t found much to help him either way. From what he could tell, dating seemed to be exactly the same as ‘hanging out’ with friends only with a different set of assumptions attached. None of it made any sense.

“Is that what you want us to be doing?” Damian was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost missed Luka’s soft question. His immediate reaction was to deny it but he hesitated. It was partly because he really didn’t know and partly because there was a hint of hope in Luka’s expression. He’d spent this entire time trying to figure out his own reactions and feelings but he’d never considered what Luka wanted. The way he was looking at him though… Damian felt a tightness in his chest and heat in his face. What did he want?

“Marinette seems to think it is.” He had no idea why those words came out of his mouth. The look Luka shot him managed to be sympathetic and exasperated all at once. Damian couldn’t decide if he wanted to smash his head into a wall or just head back to the apartment and hide. Why was this so complicated? How did he even get into this mess?

“You’re not ready.” Luka sounded certain and disappointed. That disappointment triggered something in Damian, it made him feel wanted. Everyone in his life was constantly trying to fix him, one way or another, but Luka hadn’t. His mother wanted him to be her perfect little heir. His father didn’t seem to know what he wanted, but he still seemed to find Damian lacking one way or another. Luka just let him be. No matter how sarcastic or cynical, how stubborn or aggressive Damian got Luka just went with it. He’d never lectured or made fun of Damian’s lack of social graces. He felt comfortable around Luka in a way he didn’t with anyone else.

“Yes.” Luka’s surprised look matched his feelings as the word came out. Damian took a deep breath before reaching out and grabbing Luka’s hand. That’s something people did when they were dating right? “Yes that’s what I want.”

-------------------

Chloe kept switching between pacing and staring out her window as she waited for Marinette to return. She couldn’t figure out if she was happy that Marinette wanted to share what was going on or guilty that she’d forced the issue. Was it really trust if she had to ask for it?

“You need to stop, you’re making me dizzy.” Plagg’s bored voice brought her out of her thoughts long enough to glare at the Kwami before she went back to staring out the window. She heard an annoyed sigh behind her before Plagg landed on her shoulder.

“Her not telling you the plan has nothing to do with you. Well except for the fact you never asked.” He still sounded bored but his tone was a bit more serious.

“But…”

“No buts kid. You know how she gets when she’s working on a project. Her silence has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with stress, sleep deprivation, and tunnel vision.” He made sense and she wanted to believe him.

“What makes you so sure?” Plagg snorted in annoyance.

“If she didn’t trust you she wouldn’t have given you my Miraculous. Not after the way my last holder treated her.” The reminder caused her to growl low in her throat and Plagg made a noise of approval. “She chose you, in more ways than one, don’t let your doubt make you forget that kit.”

“Thanks Plagg.” She hadn’t liked the Kwami at all in the beginning. After Pollen they were just obnoxious, but they had grown on her.

“Whatever. I just want you to stop pouting and get me my cheese already.” Chloe just rolled her eyes. For all Plagg pretended not to care she knew they had no problem getting food on their own and she appreciated the distraction.

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Ko-Fi

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[pigeonfancier]

But oh well, lol, rage spiral done. I always get very, very hyped up initially about things, and need to spew like a fucking shaken wine bottle. Thankfully, the ire fades, and now it’s just..

 Our social circles do not overlap, my material is extant and fucking everywhere, and I’m still releasing a substantial amount of shit for it every month, same as I have been for the past seven years, so this is not.. actually relevant to me in any way, lmao, past my initial “oh, lovely, racism!” kneejerk fire.

Besides, where would I be in life without people skinwalking my shit constantly? It is the price I pay for being fantastic! It is the price I pay for having piss poor character judgement, lmaooo, but whatever. You live, you learn, and in the end, you are better for it. x)

I haven’t mentioned on here, but I’ve been obsessively into Genshin lately - I desperately needed stress relief, and it manages to scratch the exact itch I have in games, in that it has so many weird little sidequests I can go feral over. Also, eldritch abominations! Also, trees, and horror dressed up in a bright, visually appealing skin!

Also, jewelry and accessories, which I’ve been making a lot of clay models over. I lost my silicone casting liquids (lost being a term which, in this context, means “I placed it under my sink and overlooked it for the past three months, because I was certain I had placed it back into the box”), but now that they’re found, I’ve got so much shit to cast and fuck around with.

Current list:

Beidou’s hairstick + earring

Niangiang’s hairstick

Traveller’s earring

Kaiya’s earring

Zhong Li’s hair tie + earrings

Xiao’s bottles + necklace

Venti’s Vision, and a few other characters

One of the most satisfying things about resin casting is that I’ve also figured out how to make screw-on lids, and containers with hinges. I love perfumes, but the carrier oil for them is frequently soy, coconut, or almond - which means that putting it on my actual skin results inevitably in rashes. Sometimes it’s worth the aggravation! For the most part, nah, so I’ve been making pomanders - little necklaces and carrier devices to store felt or pumice inside, which is then sprayed with fragrance oil.

Fragrances react to your skin chemistry, so the scents are slightly off from what I usually anticipate! But it’s still a pretty pleasantly efficient way of ensuring that I perpetually smell like a coffeeshop, which - while not my main goal - in life - is pretty close to the top of my hierarchy of needs.

And the Visions from Genshin are pretty much perfectly shaped for this purpose! I’m a little sad that they don’t particularly go with my existing bags, so I’ve been eyeing up the possibility of sewing one just to match. I love making video game shit into actual accessories, because it’s such a satisfying challenge in a lot of ways - I don’t really care to look like a nerd on main, so it’s all about skirting that line between “this should be immediately visibly recognisable to people within the fandom”, and “random strangers should look at this, and think this is an interesting, hipster-y, but ultimately standard accessory”, and it’s so much fun to try and hit the exact middle path I’m after.

Also fun: being able to give away the ones that aren’t up to my standards afterwards, lol. Part of being a perfectionist asshole about my looks is that my standards are ridiculously high in some cases, but others aren’t, so there’s that pleasant thing of..

I don’t want this, but I know people who will be absolutely delighted to have it, so it’s still a worthwhile process to undergo! Even if I’m not satisfied by the piece, there are no mistakes in art, as long as you know someone will be happier for having seen it.

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

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Hi!! First of all I’d like to congratulate you guys on your 1000+ followers!! It’s a massive milestone and I’m so happy and proud of you guys for it!! Admittedly I’ve only just found your blog but after hours of scrolling through it I can honestly say that I truly admire the work you put into every one of your requests and fics!! You guys deserve this a lot xx

I’d like to request a match-up for Haikyuu (all male characters) if you guys don’t mind!! Also hopefully the description isn’t too long!! :’)

I’m a 20-year-old Leo girl who’s studying Biomedical Engineering and Arts (with an English major!!) in Sydney. I used to be a guitarist in a high school band and am in general more of an independent individual than a leader/follower.

Physically I’m short with a generally small frame, and have naturally curly hair (though I’ve straightened the top half now!!) dyed a dark rose-pink/brownish color with loose eyebrow-length side bangs on either side curling outwards!! I tend to have softer features and my eyes are on the smaller side HAHHAHAH. My wardrobe basically consists of black, white, brown and beige with lots of jeans, boots and belts and almost no dresses ahahahah. (tbh my icon is me so yall can reference that but I usually have my hair let down ahahahh)

I’m a shy person but some of my friends say I exude a quiet confidence HAHAHHAH. Other ways my friends/family have described me include: smart, kind, awkward, cute, determined, hardworking, creative and being a happy virus. I generally do well in my studies and am particularly good in Physics and English! I do have my flaws tho, I can be too playful at times to the point where it accidentally gets someone hurt, I’m usually running late, I have terrible mood swings and I can be selfish or a little too competitive at times (especially towards my younger siblings unfortunately). Also I’m basically the most indecisive person ever!!

I love writing but I have a problem with not knowing when to stop and hence tend to go beyond word limits. I write well in both creative and academic writing though! I also love spending time with my dogs, napping/playing with them etc. I tend to work out quite a lot and I particularly love cycling! I love being up early and generally don’t mind waking up early but I like my mornings quiet and calm as I enjoy my breakfast hahahhah! But I also tend to stay up till very late at night so I truly am lacking a lot of sleep. I tend to spend a lot of time in my room and I like it that way but I love fun social events like parties and weddings (I’m not sure why??). I love cartoons/animated films a lot idk why but they give me a sense of relief from all my stress and they just make me feel good after watching them?? I also love creating random customized stuff like designing a birthday cake for my brother or creating a specialty dish for Mother’s Day- things like that. Things I don’t like include: loud noises, inconsiderate people, snails, being looked down upon, judgemental and close-minded people, presentations in front of large crowds and chocolate (sorry!!).

Some aesthetics of mine include: the colors of fall, comfy knitted sweaters, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked bread, apple-scented objects, the fresh air on the top of a hill at the end of a hike, the wind in your face as you cycle down a hill, receiving or giving a customized gift, glass/transparency, deep ideas, hugging a dog (most furry animals), being in the middle of a bustling city, the sound of rain in the middle of the night, the serenity at dawn, wrapped up in your blanket watching your favorite tv show at night, getting work done at a cafe, the satisfaction having completed all your responsibilities, the way cereal and biscuits melt in your mouth after being soaked in milk for some time, hugs, doves being the symbol of peace and freedom, nyc apartments and theme parks.

My favorite food include pumpkins, Marie biscuits, cereal, artisan bread, almond milk, eggs with runny yolks, tomatoes, brocolli, mushrooms, bibimbap, sashimi salads, deli sandwiches, bruschetta, prawn dumplings, tiramisu, tangerines and flat rice noodle soups. My favorite books include Looking For Alaska by John Green and the Fire and Flood series by Victoria Scott. My favorite movies are Pitch Perfect (1&2 were good but 3 was kinda disappointing), The Devil Wears Prada, Wreck-It-Ralph, Inception, Enchanted, Kiki’s Delivery Service, the new Jumanji movies and Little Women. My favorite artists are One Direction and the kpop group Pentagon, which are basically the only two fandoms I’m apart of (if you don’t consider the 1D boys having 5 separate fandoms) and fandom life is a big part of who I am hahhahah. Oh! The Marvel fandom too as I absolutely adore Tony Stark and hence RDJ hahahah! My favorite TV Show is Friends (cliche I know) but also some animated series ahahhahh.

Have an amazing day!! xx

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Hello @ehlipses​ and thank you so much! I am so so so happy you like our work, it means a lot to us! And I sincerely hope you enjoy the boy I paired you up with!

>Admin 𝕋

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

Okay so, I feel as though Semi would be perfect for you! Admittedly when I saw that you played guitar in high school, I immediately knew that Semi would be very attracted to that, thinking he and you could definitely bond with music, and playing instruments. It would such a cute sight to behold! But on another not, he will be incredibly impressed that you are studying engineering, along with and English major! I see Semi as one who will be attracted to someone who is smart and independent, someone who can take care of themselves, and is more of a leader than a follower, yet would rather be an individual and not deal with labels. And you fit the bill to a T!

For appearance, I feel as though Semi would absolutely love you rhair! Like it won’t show in his face, but he would stare at it and just think that he wants to touch, to run his fingers through it, like all the time. It would become some sort of relaxation thing for him, especially before games to play with your hair! It would so freaking cute! And along with the style and the color of it? Yeah this boy would just love it; it would make him want to dye his own hair to make it cool like yours! Semi would love this soft look you have going on, and don’t think bad about your small eyes; Semi will think that just adds to your unique features, makes you different from the rest of the people he has met and known. It is what makes you, you and he will love it very much! And has for your style, he would be very appreciative of it, only because it is so cohesive! I feel as though Semi is a great sense of style and could see someone who also has a good sense of style and really appreciate it, and if you were the one with it? Well, that would just further his infatuation with you!

Semi will love how the things you love mostly line up with his! He loves writing music and he loves that you write as well, in the other sense! Semi would have this idea of where he writes a piece of music, and then he will ask you to write a story based around the music he produced! It would be such a cute thing between the two of you! Semi also likes to workout and would love to exercise with you, and have you show him how to cycle properly! He thinks it would be a great way to get closer to you, and just see how much cuter you could get to him! He will understand the feel of waking up early for some quiet time, though I see Semi as more of a person that would sleep in, he would enjoy your routine while he sleeps lolol. Your ambivert attitude would really intrigue Semi, how you can just spend endless hours in your room to going to social events and not have your energy drained would amaze him, seeing as I think Semi would tend to stay away from big crowds. He would be drawn to that brightness you have! Semi will like how crafty you are with your hands, going from baking a cake for your mom, to creating cuisines for special events. He will think those are great characteristics for someone, and would be glad to it is you that has it! 

Semi also doesn’t like inconsiderate people, or judgemental and close minded people, so if you don’t like them and he doesn’t like them, it would be something you two can definitely bond on! I don’t see Semi being afraid of snails, but I see him thinking that it is extremely cute that you are afraid of them! He might tease you with one so be careful!

As for your aesthetics, I feel as though Semi will like all of them! Not necessarily because he likes all of them, but because all of them would remind him of you. From comfy knitted sweaters to the New York vibes, he would these things, feel these things, taste these things, and will automatically think about you. He won’t be able get you out of his head! And he would be okay with that, because that’s what he wants, to know you, think about you, love you, and be with you. Along with all the food you like to the fandoms you are in, he would be very supportive in what you like, in what you are interested in because all he is interested in is to see you happy with whatever you love, with whatever makes you interested in life, what makes you happy. And he would help in anyway he can, to make you just as happy!

[swaps55]

Quaranmeme

Tagged by @ferociousqueak​! Thank you! 

I can’t keep track of who’s done what meme. @joufancyhuh​, @theoriginalladya​, @ljandersen​, @ziegenkind094​,  @spectacledotter​, @eletaniia​? Jump in if you want to play! 

Are you staying home from work or school?

I am working from home! I’m incredibly lucky to work in an industry that’s been fairly insulated from the madness, so far at least. One one hand, the stability that provides is a huge relief. But on the other, it’s very...surreal to operate on what is essentially my normal schedule, minus a commute. It feels like I should have so much time on my hands, partly from being at home all the time, partly because the internet keeps suggesting I should have gobs of time on my hands. I mean, the 90+ minutes I’m getting back from not being in the car is great to have back, but the whole situation is very disconcerting.  

If you’re staying home, who’s with you?

@n7zachammer​ is fabulous company, and we have these two idiots: 

Nerd Dog 3000 

Miss Grouchypants Cuddleslut. 

Are you a homebody?

Yes - though one of the things I promised myself when I got divorced was that I was going to stop treading water and start living. I’ve done a good job of that. Living in a vacation destination makes it a lot easier to pry myself out of the house. This view is only 8 miles away: 

Kind of hard not to enjoy life when you can just fuck off to the ocean whenever you feel like it. Even right now if I can’t go actually hang out at the beach I can still drive the PCH. I still can’t believe I live here most of the time. 

An event that you were looking forward to that got canceled.

My parents moved today, which means I lost my last chance to see the house I consider my childhood home. I haven’t been there in 2 1/2 years. I’m...very upset about it. 

I was also on the verge of buying plane tickets to go home and see my mare for her 30th birthday next month. Pretty devastated to be missing that. We had plans for a romantic getaway for @n7zachammer​ ‘s birthday at the end of the month. I was going to my hometown at the end of May for a conference that’s been cancelled. Was looking forward to the Santa Anita Derby, which would have been this weekend. No go on that, either. Sigh. 

See? I’ve been a lot better about living the last few years. 

What movies have you watched recently? What shows are you watching?

I tend to retreat to happy, familiar things when I’m stressed, so we’ve been re-watching The Good Place for the upteenth time. I was re-watching Sense8. I’ve also been watching Picard!! Finally!! Which, of course, makes me want to re-watch TNG. Not been a big movie person as of late. 

What music are you listening to?

This playlist. Exclusively. Over and over. Specifically, “The Few Things,” which has basically written my WIP. 

What are you reading?

I’ve been catching up on Give to Pressure by @citadelsushi​, and am about to start Mitch, Please! How Mitch McConnell Sold Out Kentucky (And America, Too!). Matt Jones, the author, is someone I think very, very highly of. 

What are you doing for self-care?

I’ve disconnected a lot from the real world. I don’t check in with my non-online friends and family nearly as often as I should. I’m hardly on any social media save for tumblr. I haven’t been talking to my folks nearly as much because of the moving thing. I’m so tired of being angry, being sad, feeling hopeless that I’ve essentially just thrown myself at fandom until I have bruises. 

As such, I’m talking a lot to fandom people, so sorry to those who may be wondering who the fuck this person is who’s now suddenly always in your comments and your messages (uh, if I am not bothering you, feel free to hit me up, even if it’s just to yell HI KAIDAN IS PRETTY. I even use Discord now?)

I write. All the time. Last time I was a complete mess, I couldn’t write a lick. Now it’s like I’m performing an exorcism. I’ll take it.

I’ve also thrown my Starbucks budget on my window and replaced it with “get a fucking caramel macchiato whenever you fucking want one.” I’m not a caffeine addict and don’t actually much care for coffee, but candy in a cup is an emotional crutch of mine. I wrote an undergrad thesis, masters thesis, and nearly all of Exordium at Starbucks, and I crave it whenever I’m facing an emotional extreme. Spoiler alert, I have gotten lots of fucking caramel macchiatos the past few weeks.  

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[cosmiclatte28]

Been Through

For my fellow Aeris family, this piece is written for you. I finally let go the great thanks I want to tell to every EXO-L out there 💕💕

For non-aeris.. feel free to read too! I am just spilling my bottled emotion about this wonderful fandom.

BEEN THROUGH (lyrics are translated to english, feel free to listen to it as you read through my piece) (/▽＼)

here we go <3

I’ll get used to it, like catching a cold again The ash gray light pushes through and endlessly passes by But still

You sigh in heavy relief as your body finally descend on the thin mattress in your small shared room. Resting your head for a moment, closing your eyes and letting go all the burden today has given to you, you try your best to find the small peaceful moment you missed. Life has never been easy after leaving your motherland to travel through pacific oceans to land on the land of opportunity. School was fine, but the culture shock and home sick were challenging.

I must get through it Cuz it’ll pass, it’ll pass Just need a moment Cuz it’ll pass, it’ll pass Cuz it’ll pass, already

Your phone buzzed, the notification flashes with a short message

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” this time from your closest family member.

You typed a quick “yes”, while holding back the grumbling sound from your stomach. Your meal plan was still loaded, you’re just tired to bring your body for a meal.

In the grey sky, there is a brighter light

Behind the dark clouds, there is a dazzling light

You glance to the bedside beside yours, your room mate has not come back yet. Night class or maybe in the library, that’s what you thought.

Your eyes close one more time, letting go off the pain, grief, and stress away. Next month will be your mid term weeks. Your brain tries its best to not think of any responsibilities not to mention tasks and home works. You’re dying to have a good rest.

Your phone lights up one more time, this time along with the annoying buzz of an alarm. You bring your phone to your face and turn the reminder off.

“Greet your friends on Instagram and update your tumblr. Check along wattpad for any requests.”

A small smile appears from your lips. The bulking notifications from your fandom families, are waiting for you impatiently. You recollect yourself, energy, and mood. Chugging down a bottle of water, your fingers slowly scroll through today’s waiting replies.

You shine like the stars You light up my heart At the end of today’s hardships Brightly shine on me

You started off a blog and an account for fun, for your fandom purposes, and for an escape. Since then, you slowly make new friends, listen to their stories, and you even pour your imagination over fanfictions where you don’t mind if anyone read it. From light conversations, to deep talks, you learn how diverse and wonderful your new friends are. Soon friends turn into families, and families help you cope up with life.

Aside your parents and siblings, your fandom friends you made over the internet are the sources of energies you needed. They are your mood boosters; they are the reason you keep going on.

In a blink of an eye, your hands are dancing over the comment sections, replying and trolling people. You find back the fire in your soul and the laugh in your lips. Though everyone came from different part of the globe, with awful time difference, and various culture, you relate with them and vice versa.

Snap out of it, get up and brush it off Pain is just a passing storm to me I must get through it all Cuz it’ll pass, it’ll pass Just need a moment Cuz it’ll pass, it’ll pass Cuz it’ll pass, already

One talk about hurdles of taking pre-med, another casual talk to comfort a friend losing a bet, another deep quick talk to those afraid coming out in their true colors. Within one hour, you’ve felt your life change. You realize everyone has their battle; everyone has their own challenges.

The alarm went off one more time, and you sadly have to stop the social media time and stick your nose to some pages or review a module and two.

In the grey sky, there is a brighter light Behind the dark clouds, there is a dazzling light You shine like the stars You light up my heart At the end of today’s hardships Brightly shine on me This isn’t the end Better days will come At the end of that day You’ll shine on me like this

Your wallpaper flash the picture of nine men standing over a big stage, surrounding them are thousands of silver lights. The silver ocean, the one ocean you want to be a part of and drown yourself in. You cheer yourself up. Til the day you can be a part of that silver ocean, chanting fan chants in unison, seeing your role models eye to eye, and hugging those families standing on your side with the light sticks, you won’t give up.

The sun is behind the clouds that cover the light Without change, you shine on me forever The quiet air, the warm wind They’re all there, always in the same place In the gray sky, there is a brighter light Behind the dark clouds, there is a dazzling light

Those nine men had a rough journey to climb the mountain where they’re now standing on. If they can do it, you have no reason to stop your steps. They took one step at a time, looking into our eyes when they think of stopping. And with that one glance, they saw the silver ocean, and they fight back the urge to quit.

If they do that for you, why can’t you do that for them?

You shine like the stars You light up my heart At the end of today’s hardships Brightly shine on me

EXO keep climbing the painful mountain climb, with Aeris supporting them from behind. Now why don’t you do the same?

You always motivate yourself by picturing a similar scene. You’re climbing your own mountain, and if you take a small look over your shoulder, you can see the lights in their nine pairs of eyes holding back tears as they feel very proud to have a fan… a baby… a child… or a friend like you. They are proud for every milestone their supporters achieve, even more than proud when they discover you can keep going on… thanks to their effort to stick together for Aeris.

Until the day we can stand side by side with our idols, heads held up high, smiling through the worth it blood and scars, and hands over one another shoulders: congratulating each other for not stopping for making it to the top… let us all stay and support each other forever. Even when we reach that highest point of our life one day, please remember the smiles and chants this fandom and EXO had given to you. Please remember the tears, the laugh, and the smile.

If one day we lost our way, look around and follow the silver ocean. If Peter Pan guides you back with the second star to the right, then EXO and Aeris will guide you back with our one and only silver ocean.

Brightly shine on me

To you, reading this… keep on going. I know you can finish it and I believe in you. All that’s left is to believe in yourself the same way EXO believes in us. We’re family here, brothers and sisters, together in this one big family called Aeris, let me tell you I am always here to discuss or listen to your pains or love story or any dry jokes. I am here, if you need a motivation, a listener, and a friend. I am here and I am staying til the end.

The end

[maccymacdonald]

18, 19, 27

thank you!!

18 - What was the most surprising moment for you in Sunny history?

oh man, probably charlie and dee getting together + dennis having a kid. i remember being so SHOOK at those moments, like full on gasping to myself out loud. i had my suspicions abt charlie and dee during that ep but when they actually kissed i- bro. i was so shocked. and my heart nearly fucking dropped outta my ass when dennis said "my son" i thought it was gonna be a joke😭 then when he left at the end... phew. did not expect that. but tbh i was probably equally surprised when he came back with no explanation, like i really thought he was serious about being a dad and making an effort and it really surprised me that he gave up on it. he didn't have to disappoint me like that lmao

19 - How has sunny impacted your irl life?

omg, i can't even word it. like, it's my whole life lmao. i constantly have it on in the house and while my dad loves it my mum despises it and always makes me turn it off lmao but they associate me with it so much and i kinda love that. it's helped me connect w ppl, ive introduced a bunch of friends and my brother to it and its brought us so much closer and always acts as something we have in common and can always talk about. it's gotten me through some tough times - i started watching it during my gcses and now im in uni, so all those stressful academic years i don't think i could have got through without the relief of sunny and always having it to look forward to as a reward for finishing my revision for the night or a motivation to go back to school in september knowing a new season would be coming. i just love the show so fucking much, it feels like it's been a part of my life for longer than it has bc i can always rely on it as a comfort show and so much of my identity is in it. it's like my lil buddy, u know? as sad as it sounds my life would be so empty and so quiet without it. ive also made a tonne of friends and great experiences from the fandom that i'll always be grateful for.

27 - Who is ur fave in RCG?

charlie!! i love them all and would always be enthusiastic about any of their projects but charlie has a special place in my heart. he was the only one i knew before starting sunny ("omg it's that guy from horrible bosses") and charlie has always been my favourite character so im always gonna have a special connection to him. rob is a close second i think mainly because of how much he's on social media so i feel like i see him all the time (which is a good thing!!!) then glenn last lmao i absolutely adore him but dennis is my least fave and he rarely posts anything so sorry my dude!!

ask me questions!!

[a-trainers-tale]

Nyz paid request

:: nyz ::  Hello!! I would like to request for a paid pokemon trainer description!! I'm sorry in advance for the long messages that are about to ensue but I hope they can give you a clear depiction of who I am and will make your decisions easier and more precise!! uwu  I'm a 20yo Leo girl who's studying Biomedical Engineering and Arts (with an English major!!) in Syd. I used to be a guitarist in a high school band and am in general more of an independent individual than a leader/follower.   1/8

I'm a shy person but some of my friends say I exude a quiet confidence HAHAHHAH. Other ways my friends/family have described me include: smart, kind, awkward, cute, determined, hardworking, creative and being a happy virus. I generally do well in my studies and am particularly good in Physics and English! However my flaws include: being too playful at times till it accidentally gets someone hurt, usually running late, having terrible mood swings and being a lil too competitive at times   2/?

(esp towards my younger siblings unfortunately) and being extremely indecisive!  I love writing but I have a problem of keeping within word limits. I love spending time with my dogs, being up early and generally don't mind waking up early but I like my mornings quiet and calm as I enjoy my breakfast hahahhah. I tend to work out quite a lot and particularly love cycling! I generally spend a lot of time in my room but I love fun social events like parties and weddings (I'm not sure why??).  3/?

I love cartoons/animated films a lot idk why but they give me a sense of relief from all my stress and they just make me feel good after watching them?? I also love creating random customized stuff like designing a birthday cake for my brother or creating a specialty dish for Mother's Day. Things I don't like include: loud noises, inconsiderate people, snails, being looked down upon, judgemental and close-minded people, presentations in front of large crowds and chocolate (sorry!!).  4/?

Some aesthetics of mine include: the colors of fall, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked bread, glass/transparency, deep ideas, hugging a dog (most furry animals), being in the middle of a bustling city, the serenity at dawn, wrapped up in your blanket watching your favorite tv show at night, getting work done at a cafe, hugs, nyc apartments and theme parks.  5/?

My favorite food include pumpkins, Marie biscuits, cereal, artisan bread, almond milk, eggs with runny yolks, tomatoes, brocolli, mushrooms, bibimbap, sashimi salads, deli sandwiches, bruschetta, prawn dumplings, tiramisu, tangerines and flat rice noodle soups. My favorite books include Looking For Alaska by John Green and the Fire and Flood series by Victoria Scott. My favorite movies are Pitch Perfect (1&2 were good but 3 was kinda disappointing),   6/?

The Devil Wears Prada, Wreck-It-Ralph, Inception, Enchanted, Kiki's Delivery Service, the new Jumanji movies and Little Women. Fandom life is a big part of who I am hahhahah. My favorite TV Show is Friends (cliche ik) but also some animated series ahahhahh.  The reason I love Pokemon is probably bc it was a significant part of my childhood and the nostalgia just brings me back to those times when life was simpler(?). Also I ADORE the creativity and thought behind each Pokemon/character and  7/8

how it has created such a vivid, imaginative and yet not so farfetched world for the audience! The fact that it still has such a large and active following also makes me feel connected to a lot of people somehow :) Being a Pokemon trainer has always been a dream of mine for sure!! :')  Thank you so much for taking your time to go through this! I apologize in advance for the length and hope u know you're making one of my childhood dreams come true in a way uwu  Have an amazing day!!  8/8

Trainer class: Fairy tale girl

You walk to the beat of your own drum, but in a somewhat subdued way most of the time. Onlookers might think you to be a bit eccentric but also a bit quiet. In battle, you can be ferocious and emotional but also playful and excitable. You love inserting creativity into your daily life and you love being able to see the best in all pokemon. You have a lot of energy and can come across as being somewhat childish when you are in a playful mood, but when you are feeling more studious you can be an intimidating level of intelligence. Your quiet and playful nature can seem contradictory to some who don’t know you, but your pokemon have come to be able to read your moods quite easily and adjust their own behavior accordingly. You have a very fun relationship with other trainers you have bonded with and you have a very fun life with your pokemon who support you in everything you do. You cook with your pokemon often and you explore new hobbies and interests with them on the regular. You also love to escape into worlds that aren’t your own, so you consume a lot of creative media and chase after intellectual pursuits that suit your interests quite often. Your pokemon love you as a trainer but their also love you as family and would do anything to protect your playful smile and inquisitive mind. 


Starter: Eevee

Your starter pokemon is Eevee. Eeevee is a very unique pokemon and a notoriously indecisive pokemon in the ways that it can evolve. Eeevee is inquisitive and a perfect fit for your excitability. You and eevee are a wonderful match for exploring and learning new things together. Eeevee will never judge you and will always stand by your side when you need it and when you want to have fun. Eevee has a lot of energy, so you might end up spending a lot of your own energy calming it down enough to go to bed at night. Eevee has many different ways of evolving, so it will be a challenge to get it to land on one, but earn its trust and it will love you forever.


Partner: Mareep

Mareep is a very soft pokemon, both in the emotional sense and in the physical sense. You will want to wear gloves of some kind before rubbing Mareep's fur too much, but regular snuggling is welcome and safe. Mareep is a very kindly and considerate pokemon and, if treated well, will grow into Ampharos who is able to act as a guiding light for travelers and lost people and pokemon. Mareep acts as a comfort for you, though it does not participate in any battling that you do since it is somewhat faint of heart. Keep it close to you and it will help you keep calm and support you in return. 

Team: Sylveon (starter), Celesteela, Zebstrika, Exploud, Phanpy

Hometown: Circhester, Galar

Your hometown is Circhester in the Galar region. Circhester is a somewhat large town that a lot of tourists move through. It is a historical town full of statues and buildings that have been around for a long time, but it has also kept up with recent trends enough to not seem old. Circhester is home to the Hero’s Bath, which is the pride of the town. From growing up here, you learned a lot of history and you have learned a lot about all of the people who have lived and moved around in Circhester. This gave you a natural curiosity and an interest in learning more about other people and about what it means for pokemon to be strong and for a trainer to be brave. Circhester gave your interest in bonding with people and also gave you your warm aesthetic sense. 


Battle style: Playful and intimidating

You are quite a rambunctious trainer and tend to go your own way. You prefer the paths that look less traveled, quite literally. You will find yourself lost sometimes, looking for places to find interesting pokemon you haven’t met before or interesting people. You are the kind of trainer that one would run into deep in the corner of a forest lifting rocks to try and find something interesting. Your inquisitive mind and high level of playfulness makes you a very fun person to battle, as long as you aren’t in a competitive mood in which case you can be a fierce and emotional opponent. You have been known to yell and get very into battles, which spurs on your own pokemon and tends to act as an intimidation factor for your opponent’s. You are a strong and independent rival to many other trainers who started at the same time as you, and you compete with them not only in battle but also intellectually and in terms of the knowledge you have accumulated in your travels. You want to find new things to learn but you also dive deeply into new things that interest you, so you have a lot of knowledge about a lot of things pertaining to pokemon and the people around you. You connect with trainers who you battle with, and so you have a large amount of numbers in your phone for people who want rematches or who want to tell you new things they learned. Your energy spurs your pokemon on during battle and brings you new connections with pokemon and with people, never lose your passion and always allow yourself to let lose during battle so that you and your pokemon can have as much fun as possible.

[ctl-yuejie]

opinion on the term bl?

uhhhhhh…very complicated. I might have written a whole rant post before on the topic on this blog on an empty stomach so it was most likely not very nuanced (I think it was about people saying that The Untamed didn’t count as BL).

buckle in, this got suuuper long

tbh i first came into contact with the term in the early 2000s and since the internet didn’t play any role at my age then, the only context I had were magazines (here in Europe) and manga publications.

I knew that BL was a whole genre in Manga and that it featured gay romance and that fans / content creators would refer to themselves at fujoshi. Now, at that time I was only figuring out that I was bi, didn’t know any Japanese and didn’t have any friends with cultural ties to Japan.

So based on the magazines I read, I started to believe that “Fujoshi” literally meant “Rotten Girl” because of the taboo of same-sex relationships and the tantalizing sense of the forbidden that comes with it.

While I read some BL manga (couldn’t tell you the titles anymore), I never referred to myself as a Fujoshi or being into BL because both terms seemed to apply only to Japanese people and the sense of “the forbidden” in regards to same-sex relationships didn’t fit to my reality (having been to a same-sex marriage with my family at age 8 etc) and also felt demeaning to me.

After learning Japanese and living in Japan I didn’t really question my aversion to the terms, since I did have access to the internet now but didn’t think of fact-checking everything I had “learned” pre-internet (I think it is important to note here that the magazines weren’t the highest in quality in terms of journalistic prowess nor scientific in any way. They were just short entertaining articles, aimed at teenagers like me, trying to profit from the still ongoing wave of japanese pop culture in the west) and my only experience with both bl content and real life fujoshi wasn’t that positive:

My feelings on BL and fujoshi culture were heavily influenced by 

- the wave of very sad and traumatizing gay movies in Japan that most of the time ended in double suicides of the main characters

- rape storylines getting romanticized in manga

- pretty heavily stereotyped gay characters in main stream tv series that were only there for comedic relief

- the Fujoshi I knew back then being weirded out by the thought of same-sex relationships between women and basing their thought on gay men solely on the content they consumed 

- not finding the hailed “subversion of traditional gender roles” or discussion thereof in the BL my friends consumed. 

- my gay friends in japan having very frustrating encounters with fujoshi who started to treat them like an open air circus and not making them feel supported in real life 

- people around me making judgments based on attractiveness on whether gay people should get supported, while the hint of a celebrity being gay was weaponized  against them

now, this pretty much sums up, why I tended to have negative thoughts on the subject and felt more sympathetic to the push from some people in the queer community in japan to please retire terms like “uke” and “seme” when talking about real people.

since then, i didn’t intervene when other female friends in japan would use the term for themselves, because it still was a term coined in japan and those people were actually supportive of queer people so i didn’t see how me being preachy about it just because of my experience and not calling myself a fujoshi or fan of bl would be of any help and/or called for.

jump to 2018/2019 and i started to read more papers about it on a whim because i started to watch Crossing The Line and for the first time in a long while I was in a fandom again where people called the genre “BL” and themselves fujoshi/fudanshi.

I came to know that what I assumed the origin story of the term “Fujoshi” to be had been misreported (shocker) by the magazines back in my youth and that apparently the term was also widely used in Thailand, Taiwan and Mainland China. especially the knowledge that apparently TERFs were behind a pushback of the term made me reevaluate my opinion.

Since I have really no insight into Chinese or Thai culture it is not on me to judge whether it is appropriate for people there to use BL as a genre signifier etc and from all I have read, in some cases it is really about finding a way of creating and distributing queer content in a place that is not lgbtqi+ friendly or use it as means of finding expressions for one’s own sexuality etc.

Obv. there are genre conventions I will get annoyed about and criticize (all female characters are evil etc) but those things are also not BL exclusive so there’s not much sense in condemning a whole genre that at least tries to push some conventions.

With the Internet and a global push for more lgbtqi+ rights there is now definitely a strong symbiotic relationship between queer content and real life social changes. so being harder on queer content (in general) because it isn’t perfect doesn’t make anything better for queer people. 

nowadays there has been some wonderful content in japan with a push for real life legal changes as well, taiwan has the marriage for all and thailand is also pushing for a civil union for everyone.

especially in the case of mainland china with strict censorship rules i will congratulate anyone who tries to sneak some ambiguity in. it saddens me that the rules are as strict and that there are even more hardships for lgbtqi+ people in real life but i would never say that not creating any content that could be interpreted as queer should be favoured over trying to do something, regardless of how lacking the result might seem. 

The reason why I ranted about BL as a genre term recently was mostly directed at western fans with no cultural ties to any of the aforementioned cultures, but i definitely didn’t stress that enough in my previous post.

Since I still don’t call myself a fujoshi or being into the BL genre I am suspicious of western fans calling themselves as such. because i project my own experience and knowledge on them and there are people out there who definitely emphasize the cheeky “rotten” side of themselves while not knowing (like past me) where the term comes from and that it does’t have to do with any “forbidden fruit”. i assume a certain laziness when straight people will try and convince me that they are allies to me, because they consume BL series, but will still call me “the man” in the relationship etc.

There can definitely be a need for a similar outlet that allows people to write about gender roles, sexualities etc in a similar way but very often the argument of “it is female empowerment to be into BL” is just warping the origin story of the term into an excuse for homophobic statements. I see the term get applied to western shows as well (when there isn’t a need for using a Japanese term, especially not when there’s a missing understanding of its origin) and actual mlm shows in asia being dismissed just because it doesn’t fit the BL genre conventions (point and example: people in the west discounting The Untamed as mlm content because they weren’t explicit about it; What Did You Eat Yesterday getting dismissed because of similar reasons and the diversion from presumed age and beauty standards of BL as a genre). That way western fans made BL feel quite restrictive and not interchangeable with mlm anymore, which just confounds me.

in the end it also comes down to scope: someone writing fanfiction, producing small indie series cannot really be harmful even when they content might seem so. so regardless of what the genre entails it is important to put everything in perspective and whether this is the hill someone wants to die on, instead of leaving space for artistic expression, cultural differences and celebrating the steps into a more loving world for all.

tl;dr: I feel many emotions; there’s always space to learn more and I am grateful to everyone who made posts about the racism in criticizing the terms “Fujoshi” / “BL”; I don’t use the term myself, but only feel wary when westerners use it; personally I prefer to use mlm or wlw as content describers but I am also not 100% satisfied with that as well

ask me my opinion on ______

[omg-baeyoung-baeran]

Marked with the Kiss of Death: Chapter One (A Mystic Messenger AU Fanfiction)

Archive on Our Own Link

YT Trailer

Genre: Crime, Action,Thriller, Romance, Comedy, Drama

Pairings: Saeran/MC 2, 707/MC 5; more to come

Summary:

Would you rather be famous but live with a criminal?

"I swear he finds me anywhere I go! I see his white hair in all---"

The feeling of freezing arms snaking around her waist gave her sudden reconsiderations of her life decisions.

"It's just how it is, Princess."

Or would you rather hide from a criminal and live as a beggar?

"Sorry, I don't have coins," he muttered as he ran his hand through his unruly red hair.

His boyish charm has sufficed her eyes, but not enough to please her stomach.

"Big bills are fine."

He never knew beggars can be so picky.

o-o-o-o

 Every waking minute, she wondered…  just what the hell is wrong with him?

  “Yes, princess—”

  “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—my bodyguard is broken.”

 o-o-o-o-o

 Ayu clipped two braided blonde locks in a half ponytail. Although she preferred a full braid, her chin-length hair forbade her to do so. She sometimes wished she had not cut her hair, but the barrage of compliments from her social media had tickled her narcissistic side.

 It took merely a week before she eventually grew bored with the limited variety of styles she could do.

 “Pink or nude? Red is good too, though?” Ayu shook her head. “No, that’s trying too hard.”

 Looking into the mirror, she pictured two versions of herself, one sporting a pink shade, the other with a nude shade. At first, it was a simple dilemma that boiled down to three choices—  would she go for a feminine, striking, or a subtle kind of beauty?  With the striking red out of the picture, her options narrowed down to a subtle nude or a feminine pink.

 Eventually, she set down the other two tubes, settling for feminine, “Pink it is.”

 Twisting the cap open, she looked at the mirror and swiped the applicator on her lips. She smacked her lips twice to even the colour out. Once she was done, she placed it back in the tube and twisted it close.

 For her most dreaded part—contact lenses. As the fanmeet fiasco happened fairly recently, she was yet to get used to poking her eyes.

  ‘I just got your messages~!’

 Ayu switched off the alarm notification and checked the time— 2:00 P.M.

  There was no time for contact lenses. 

 “Guess I’ll go nerdy.”

 o-o-o-o

  When she says her heart almost leaped out of her chest, of course, it was an   exaggeration...

  ...but there was no denying that he scared the living daylights out of her.

 “Do I know you?”

 There was no knock on the door; not even a text message—as she opened the door, she found herself face-to-face with astranger in a black suit, waiting in the front door.

 “Sorry I’m late,” he bowed. “I was told a princess needed a bodyguard?”

  ‘Princess? Bodyguard?’

 Frowning, Ayu eyed him up and down; he was of average height—with her stopping just below his ear—and had white hair with its tips a faded red. Despite the white hair, he did not seem old—he looked to be in his early 20s, in fact. Just like her.

  Was it too late to take out her pepper spray? He might attack her anytime.

 “Bodyguard?” she scrunched her brows.  No one informed her about a new bodyguard.  “How would I know if you’re telling the truth? Do you have any proof to validate your claims?”

 “Yes,” he fished through his pocket and pulled out a phone. He quickly tapped his fingers on the screen, then handed it to her. “You can call your dad.”

 Though suspicious, she took the phone from his hand.

 His contacts book had only one contact in it— Big Boss.

 Her lip curled into a sneer at the name, ‘Big Boss? Cringey.’

 She pressed the ‘Call’ button and held the phone against her ear. Two rings later, the other line picked up.

  “Ray? You called?”

  Sure enough, it was her father’s familiar deep voice. And he knew Ray… So Ray was not a random die-hard fan trying to get close to her.

 “Dad?”

  “Oh, princess, it’s you. I see Ray has arrived.”

 “What’s this about a bodyguard? What about Mister Park?”

  “Ah, about that… I replaced him. I figured Ray would handle the job better.”

  So he was still hung up about the fanmeet incident! Granted, it only happened three weeks ago but...

 “Dad! I swear he did nothing wrong! It happened so fast; no one could have foreseen it!”

  “Still, it was his job to act fast.”

 Ayu let all her stress out with a sigh. As his only daughter, her father cared for her too much that it bordered on overprotectiveness.

  Scratch that; it was not borderline—he certainly was overprotective.

 “Okay, Dad. I’ll call you later. I have to go.”

 After saying their goodbyes, Ayu tapped ‘End Call’ before handing it back to Ray.

 “So…,” she crossed her arms,  “you’re Ray?”

 He took the phone from her, then nodded with a polite close-mouthed smile that screamed forced. Being in the showbiz industry had exposed her to such smiles that she was no stranger to it.

  After all, she herself was an expert at that sort of smile.

 “Just Ray.”

 Uncrossing her arms, she nodded. “Well, at least you’re on time. I’m going to have lunch with my friend. Do you know where Chamwon Restaurant is?”

 “No, but I can use Noogle Maps.”

 “Alright,” she nodded and walked past him. “Let’s go, then.”

 o-o-o-o

 “Zen-oppa!” Ayu excitedly waved, bouncing on her heels.

 A handsome long-haired albino turned his head to her direction, “Ayu!” He waved back, motioning them to come over.

 “Hey,” she tapped Ray’s shoulder, then whispered, “Does my hair look good?” 

 “Of course, Princess,” Ray vigorously nodded. “You’d still look good even without it!”

  ‘Is complimenting me also part of his job description? Dad really did things overboard.’

 Though weirded out, she led him to their reserved spot, with Ray following exactly five steps away.

 Multiple eyes followed their move, but no one dared to get close. With the peaceful atmosphere and customers minding their own businesses, she could not help but feel that their lunch would go smoothly.

 “I’m sorry! Did you wait long?”

 Zen shook his head. “No! Come on, let’s order.”

 Pulling their chairs back, they were about to take their seats...

 Ayu paused, wearing a look of plain confusion on her face. Zen, too, had an identical expression on his face.

  Source of confusion: her new bodyguard.

 It must have been a strange sight: three adults, pausing mid-sit with their asses hovering over their chairs.

  His first day working for her and he was not doing a good first impression.

  ‘What does he want?’  Standing straight, Ayu held Ray’s arm and pulled him up. “Zen-oppa, will you excuse us for a moment?”

 “Um, sure,” Zen said, confused, but sat down anyway.

 “You can order now! We’ll be back reeeaal quick!” She faced Ray and released his arm, cocking her head to the side and motioning him to come with her.

 He nodded, following Ayu as she led him further from the table. With Zen out of earshot and taking a menu from a waitress,  Ayu placed a hand on Ray’s shoulder and pushed it down, making him bend to her height, and whispered, “Okay, I know Dad told you to be this overprotective, but I promise to give you a bonus payment later—just please! Sit somewhere else!”

 Ayu made sure her smile did not falter. Personal space in public places was a luxury celebrities like her could not afford. A headline of  "Idol caught mistreating her bodyguard?!"   would prove detrimental to her image… especially in Zen’s presence.

 Ray whispered back, “A bonus payment is hard to enjoy when I'm missing my head.”

  ‘You coward. Can you even call yourself a bodyguard?’

 “You don’t have to worry. Just enjoy your date—”

 “Shh! It’s not a date!” Blood rising to her face, she darted her head side-to-side, then sighed in relief.  So far, no one noticed.

 The showbiz industry was an unforgiving one—she was basically  “owned”  by her fans. Being in a relationship was seen as something of a betrayal to them. Even being seen with Zen was a surprising sight, and rumours about their “dating scandal” used to pop up.

 It had caused an uproar within the fandom so as a result, she always assured her fans that they were just friends.

  Unfortunately.

 The explanation seemed to satisfy them, as hanging out with Zen was not much of a shock anymore.

 “And don’t mind me. I promise you’ll forget I even exist! Trust me," he beamed at her with an innocent smile on his lips.

 "Does this face look like it trusts you?" she hissed back in a harsh whisper.

 Ray studied her face, and for a moment,  he thought he was looking at something utterly hideou—

   "Yes," he answered briefly.

 “Fine,” she sighed. “Let’s go back. Oppa must be hungry.”

 Heading back to the table, Ayu took slow strides to calm her nerves, gazing longer at Zen who was intently reading the menu, unaware of the attention she was giving him. Even from afar, Zen gave off an aura of unrivaled beauty and charm. Hell, even the way he flipped pages stirred in her tingles of teenage giddiness.

  How anyone could look perfect just by doing nothing was something Ayu once thought impossible. But the first time she laid eyes on him, she realized just how closed-off her world had been.

 She was not alone in thinking that; almost everyone in the room had their eyes fixated at Zen, and not just because he was a famous celebrity.

 The closer they got to their table, the more the surroundings blurred for her, and the more focused Zen’s beauty became. Ayu somewhat hated the paparazzi, for despite how perfect Zen looked in every angle, they lacked the skill to capture the breathtaking beauty he possessed. A disgrace to photographers around the world, was what they were to her.

 At least the paparazzi's incompetence worked in her favour, for she was one of the lucky few able to admire his beauty in the flesh

 “Sorry about that,” Ayu spoke as she reached their table.

 “It’s fine.” Zen handed her the other menu.

 “I haven’t introduced you guys to each other. By the way, this is my new bodyguard, Ray! He replaced Mr. Park just a while ago.”

 “It’s fine! So, are you ready to or… der?” Zen’s voice faltered at the end.

 Confused, Ayu followed his line of vision and frowned.  She was willing to give him a second chance since not everyone should be judged by their first impression but this…

 Ray, arms crossed over his chest, stayed rooted by Ayu’s right.

 “Oh,” Zen was the first to regain his senses, “don’t you want to join Dongwon? You might feel out of place.” he pointed to a nearby table where a tall, bald man sat, reading a menu.

 “It’s fine. Just enjoy your meal, Sir.”

 “But—”

 “Ah, don’t mind him,” Ayu dismissively waved her hand.  They were just wasting their time. Smiling through gritted teeth, she gave Ray’s arm a squeeze. “Ray here! He’s just really,” she squeezed it tighter, “reeeaaally… passionate about his job.”

 Ray pulled his arm out of her grasp, “Ahaha! You overestimate me, Princess!” He said, sporting a big smile on his face, intensifying in Ayu an urge to rip it off of his face.

 “Ooh, 'Princess' ?” Zen said with a playful quirk of his brow.

 “Ah! That’s what he used to call his bosses! It kinda just… stuck to him! Old habits die hard, you know?”

  ‘How dare Ray embarrass me in front of Zen?! What if he found it cringy?’

 “If you say so, Princess!” Zen teased. For some reason,  "Princess"  sounded far better coming from his lips. As usual, Zen will always be the exception. “Well then, at least take a seat,” he requested and gestured to the chair beside Ayu.

 Ray shook his head. “Oh no. I’ll stay here.”

 “You’ll,” Ayu choked out her next word, “what?”

 “You know, I need to act fast if something happens to you,” he said matter-of-factly.

 She did not know what potential her father saw in Ray; all she could see was Ray teetering on the fine line between caution and paranoia.

 “Ah, you don’t have to!” She forced a smile, shaking her head. Surely, not even he was dense enough to miss her straightforward message.

  ‘Seriously. You. Don’t. Have. To.’ 

 “Oh, what’s wrong?”

 Dongwon walked over to their table, then slightly bowed. He stood by Zen’s side, mirroring Ray’s position.

 “Oh, um, want to sit with us?” Zen offered, albeit confused.

 To Ayu’s dismay, Dongwon shook his head.  Things seemed to be going in a direction that strayed from her original vision.

 “Hmm, I see?” Zen said. “We’ll order takeout for you after, how does that sound?”

 The two bodyguards nodded, mumbling their thanks.

 “Okay! Now that that’s settled… Ayu, is there anything you want?”

 Humming to herself, Ayu flipped a page and shrugged, “I’m not sure. Whatever you think is good.”

 “Okay! I’ll just order the usual then.” Zen raised his arm, catching not only a nearby waitress’ attention but the other customers' as well.

 They must have wondered if their presence was an elaborate endorsement; after all, having two celebrities hanging out in basically any place—from five-star restaurants to junkyards—was bound to bring attention.

 The waitress that came over was a young woman, possibly around 18 to 19, with a name tag that says "Jihyo".

 “Yes?”

 For a second, Ayu was unable to suppress the frown from showing. Once she noticed, she quickly replaced it with a smile.

  ‘Who the hell does this girl think she is?’

 Being in the entertainment industry made it easy to discern that type of voice—one she heard a lot from girls;  it was the voice that made her want to slice her ears off.

 Ayu looked in disgust, as the waitress swayed her body side-to-side, bouncing on the balls of her feet and looking at Zen with an awestruck expression.

  ‘Please mess up our order.’

 “We’ll have Set C….” Zen showed her the menu, pointing at their order.

 The way the Jihyo girl’s face got closer to Zen’s triggered within her an urge to….

 Jihyo scribbled their order on her notepad, particularly slow for a two-word order.

  ‘Hurry up.’

 Once she was done, she bowed and left the table. Ayu’s murderous thoughts were finally put at ease.

 “So… about your role!”

 Zen’s face lit up. “I’m glad you asked!”

 “What’s your role?”

 “Okay, so it’s a murder mystery show. Basically, my character is a lawyer prodigy. Something happened in his past that made him into who he is, which I won’t say because it’s a spoiler. So anyway—”

 Not once did she chime in or cut his words off, only nodding every so often. The combination of Zen’s perfectly-sculpted features, enchanting red eyes, melodic voice, and passion for acting never failed to capture her in a trance.

 “I’m sure you’ll do a good job!” Ayu gushed. “Can’t wait to watch it!”

 Zen chuckled, “When I first heard the summary, I thought it might be something you’d like.”

 “You thought so?”

 “Here’s your order.”

 To her relief, a different waiter came with their order. After turning the grill on, he set down two trays of raw meat and plates of side dishes—kimchi, fish cakes, japchae, steamed eggs, and baby potatoes. 

 “Order’s complete. Enjoy your meal." The waiter dipped his head, and left.

 o-o-o-o

  ‘Discomfort by proxy’—did such a term exist? If so, that was the perfect way to describe what Ray currently felt, what with all those stares directed at the two celebrities.  How could anyone get used to this? It was hard enough to eat with just one person staring, but more than one? He might as well be a zoo animal, then.

 Glancing to his left, Ray spotted a group of high school-aged boys five tables away, two of them holding menus in front of their faces, trying to catch a peek of his oblivious boss. Today was a lucky day for those boys, as their idol crush was too busy making disgusting googly eyes at Zen to notice them.

 “You mentioned you wanted to try acting, right?” Zen asked.

 “Oh… yeah. I just wanted to try it out like once, but I’m not really actively looking,” Ayu shrugged.

 “Hmm, if you want, the director told me he has a friend who’ll be directing a film! And she’s looking for actresses who can star in her movie.”

 “Ooh! What’s it about?”

 “Not sure yet. I’ll ask him.”

 “Tell me, okay?!”

 With another glance to the left, Ray saw that those boys now had phones discreetly peeking out from their menus. 

 Ray rolled his eyes. Seriously, who were they fooling? 

 He shifted to the left, blocking Ayu from their view. Though faced away from them, he could hear them whining how perfect the photo would have been were it not for  “that photobombing tofu”.

 He suppressed a snort, ‘Tofu? That’s the best you can do?’

 As derogatory as it sounded, it did not bother him at all. After all, pale skin such as his own was sought after.

 “So Sienna—”

 The brief frown that rose from Ayu’s face did not go unnoticed to Ray’s eyes.

  Sienna Park, the visual, center and lead vocalist of the girl group his boss’ daughter was from—Dandelion; also considered the second-most popular member after Ayu.

 Zen, however, was unaware of the sour change of mood, for her face reverted back to its over-the-top cheerfulness in an instant.

  ‘Well, idols have to keep up a facade…’

 It jarred Ray as to how she could switch from sweet to murderous with ease.

  Click!

 Ayu’s head instinctively snapped up. “Oppa!” She squealed.

  ‘Oppa,’  Ray almost sniggered at that.  ‘Do girls actually think they look cute saying that?’

 “Hmm, what caption should I put?” Zen sang teasingly.

 “Delete that!” She threatened with wide eyes, only for her growing grin to render her threats futile, as though she enjoyed being teased by him.

  ‘Get a room…’

 “Why not? It looks cute! See?”

 Zen held his phone in front of her, which showed a candid shot of her, mouth slightly open, in the middle of talking and flipping over a piece of beef.

 “Cute?” A dust of pink slowly spread on her cheeks as she turned her head away.

 “Yeah. I rarely see you with your glasses on. It always looks so new to me.”

 “Oh… Maybe I should’ve worn my contact lenses instead,” she pouted, before adding a new set of strips to the grill.

 “Nah, that’s not what I meant. I think you look cute with your glasses.”

 Her hold on the tong loosened.

  Shing!

 “Ah!” She exclaimed, recoiling as the meat sizzled and spattered oil droplets on her.

 Zen took the tong from her, taking over. “Do you disagree that much?” He chuckled at her flustered face.

 “O-Oppa! You’re such a joker!” She sheepishly laughed. Without the tong to keep her occupied, she fanned her reddened face with both hands.

 Ray wanted to throw up all over their fishcakes.  It was hard to stand there with a straight face.

 Before he could actually throw up, Ray stopped listening in on their conversation. It’s not like there was anything interesting to take from it.

 As for her father, he could finally sleep at night without worrying about Zen stealing his only princess away.  From the looks of it, his paranoia was baseless, as it was all unrequited on Ayu's part.

 With a father like that, he pitied any guy unfortunate enough to catch Ayu’s fancy.

 “Ooh, I think this is done,” Zen said, switching the grill stove off. One by one, he took each slice and placed them on another plate.

 “Hmm!” Ayu gushed as she inhaled the barbecues’ mouth-watering aroma. “This looks so good!”

 “Eat up,” Zen said, handing her a pair of metal chopsticks.

 “Yes! Thank you for the food!”

 She waited until Zen took the first bite. “Is it good?”

 “Yep!”

 Using his own chopsticks, he pinched a chunk of rice, adding a small slice of pork along with it. With a palm below to catch any falling grain, Zen brought it closer to Ayu’s mouth. “Say ‘aah’!” 

  ‘What do you think you two are doing?’

 They were famous celebrities; would it kill them to be more careful? Surely, this would cause a dating scandal.

  And a scolding from Big Boss as well.

 Just in time, he could already see someone pulling out a phone from two tables away.

 Eyes closed, Ayu leaned forward and opened her mouth, “Aaaahh.”

  ‘You’re not helping matters at all, dummy.’

 Ray moved to her left side, just before she took a bite, hiding her from the photographer’s view before giving the camera a “little” smile— an apology for ruining what should have been a perfect shot.

 But his apology seemed unwanted, as they scowled both at their phone screens and him.

 “Is it good?”

 “Mm-hmm!” Ayu nodded, simpering, and seemingly disconnected from the real world.

 “I’m glad you liked it,” Zen nodded, before facing Ray. “Mister Ray, you really don’t want to sit?”

 “It’s fine,” he shook his head with a forced smile. “I’m not hungry anyway.”

 “Hmm, I see—”

  Bzzt! Bzzt!

 “Oh, just a moment,” Zen said, glancing at his vibrating phone, then at Ayu. “Sorry. Can I take this call? It’s a bit urgent.” 

 “Sure! Take your time!” She nodded.

 “I’ll be quick!” Zen held the phone near his ear, speaking in a hushed tone as he headed to the bathroom.

 With Zen away to take the call, the whole table was quiet. Ayu continued eating without him.

  This was bad. The absence of a tall and handsome guy like Zen to be intimidated by made it easier for average no-name guys to try their luck.

 Not even 10 seconds after Zen left, a young man, holding a journal and pen, was heading towards their table.

  How foolish. Ray may not be as tall or breathtakingly handsome as Zen, but it didn’t matter. Now that he was paid to be stuck by Ayu’s side, the chances of ever coming near her were close to nil.

  The date had numbed his mind so much, he might as well amuse himself.

 Taking advantage of Ayu’s absentmindedness, Ray sidled to her left, placing a hand behind her and resting it over the chair’s rail.

 Ray’s protective stance prompted the young boy to stop in his tracks, looking as though he was having second thoughts.

 He flashed the young man a cheeky smile that was in no way welcoming. 

 Put off by the hostility emanating from his smile, the boy’s conflicting thoughts were put to rest, and he finally backed out.

 With his intimidation a success, he straightened his posture.

 “Okay, done!”

  Her rat-tailed friend finally arrived.

  Zen announced, then pulled his chair back and sat. “Did you wait long?”

 “Nope, not at all!”

 “Soooo… how’s this charity thing of yours doing? Something… F.A? ” Ayu questioned with a slight tilt of her head.

 “RFA? It’s doing well! Hmm, we still don’t have a set date for the next party, though.”

 “Oh, I see,” she nodded.

 “I’ll send you and the girls an invitation once our party coordinator decides on the date.”

 A split-second pout crossed her face but was immediately replaced with a full grin.

 “Yay!” Ayu clapped. “What will the party theme be?”

 “Umm…”

 Their heads turned at the stranger’s sudden arrival.

 “O-oppa…”

  ‘Oppa? The princess wouldn’t like that.’ 

 The barely noticeable twitch in her eye was enough proof.

 A slightly chubby girl approached their table, accompanied by another girl who looked the same age as she did.

 “Go on,” said the other girl, giving her friend a light push towards Zen.

 “Yes?” Zen flashed her a polite smile.

 “U-um…”

 “She wants an autograph!” The friend said, sipping from her mug and positioning herself near Ayu.

 “I-I…!”

 “Oh, sure!” Zen said, easing her nerves. “No problem at all!”

 Etched on his boss’ face was an uncomfortably wide smile that failed to reach her eyes. 

 “R-really?!” The girl smiled, handing to him a DVD case of  Tei’s Tea Leaf, the film that skyrocketed his fame, making him a beloved household name.

 Smiling, Zen took it, “Mm-hmm!”  He stretched a palm out to his bodyguard, who then placed a black marker pen on it. Uncapping it, he asked, “What’s your name?”

 “Y-Yoori!” The girl blushed, leaning closer to Zen.

 Hidden underneath the table was Ayu’s tightly-clenched fist, nails digging in her palms sure to leave a crescent-shaped mark. 

 “Okay! Yoori, ” Zen mumbled as he wrote his message. “May you always be happy and healthy. Make sure to always eat your meals…”

 Face still close to Zen, she snuck a glance at her friend, mouthing something before giving a slight nod.

  Something seemed off. 

 Ray jolted his head to his left.  Something was definitely off. No one, not even Zen’s bodyguard, paid attention to the mug in the girl’s hand, hovering above Ayu’s head, and slowly tilting downwards.

 Quickly shifting to the side, he reached out to grab the girl’s wrist.

 “Ow! W-what the?!”

 “Ray?!” Ayu abruptly stood, widening her eyes at him. “What are you doing?! Let her go!”

 She reached a hand out to pull Ray away from the girl, but was too slow to stop…

 the tea…

 from spilling…

 on…

 Zen.

  Splash!

“Ah!” Zen stood, hair dripping wet and clothes stained with black tea, squeezing the liquid from the drenched part of his shirt.

 Ayu snapped her head towards Ray, “What did you just do?!”

  She had on her face an absolute look of disgust.

 “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry! He didn’t mean it!" She panicked. "What to do, what to do…?” Ayu grabbed a fistful of tissues and dabbed them on his damp shirt.

 “This has gotten… a bit out of hand,” Zen lightly chuckled, rubbing his nape. “Take out?”

  o-o-o-o

  “I forget this usually happens when you’re famous.” Zen joked once they reached their car.

 “Same.…”

 For the first time since meeting Zen, his humour was lost on her. She’s always laughed even at his unfunniest jokes, but now...  How could she laugh when the day she’s been looking forward to the most turned into such a wreck?

 “It’s weird. You know, I sometimes invite Sienna here—”

  ‘Sienna this, Sienna that.’  That cursed name always brought out a frown on her face.

 “—but this never really happened.” Zen scratched his head and chuckled. “You be careful, okay?” He held the door open for Ayu, handing her the take-out bag and waved. “Make sure Mr. Ray doesn’t skip a meal!”

 With zero enthusiasm, she nodded, forcing out a smile that failed to reach her eyes. “Sure!”

 The windows rolled up, and they sped off. Ray did not turn the radio on this time and simply drove in silence, occasionally glancing at her from the rear-view mirror.

  As for Ayu, she was too busy cooking up a plan on how to get away with murder.

 o-o-o-o

 Ayu slammed the door open, hitting the wall with much force, and stomped her way in. 

 Following exactly 5 steps behind was Ray, carrying a box package under his arm and staying silent all throughout.

 Coming to an abrupt halt, Ayu kicked her wedges off of her feet and flung them to opposite directions. 

“I hate her. I hate her. I hate that… UGH!”  She tightened the grip on her handbag’s strap, knuckles turning white and fingernails digging into her palms. The temper she kept contained the whole car ride was now bubbling beyond her control.

 Skipping the mandatory 5-second countdown, she snapped her head at Ray and snarled, “YOU!” 

Stomping her way towards him, Ayu jabbed a finger on his chest. “First day working and this is what you do?! Why did you have to mess this up? What right did you have to ruin everything? Everything was going well until you decided to literally spill the tea on Oppa!”

 Ray said nothing, simply watching her seethe with anger.

 “AND. THAT. SIENNA. He had barbecue with Sienna before… me? Huh?”

 Ayu grabbed fistfuls of her hair, yanking it at its roots. A glimpse of Sienna eating and laughing with Zen flashed in her mind—fleeting, but enough to fuel her rage.

 Taking deep breaths, she paced back and forth around the living room. With gritted teeth, she let out a soft scream, controlled and barely a scream at first, gradually rising to a crescendo.

  And thus came the apocalypse.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

 She picked up a throw pillow from her couch and hurled it towards Ray, who barely avoided getting hit. “AAAAAAAHHHHH! I CAN'T EVEN!”

 Nothing was safe in her presence. Any object unfortunate enough to be within arm’s reach was practically Sienna and Ray in her eyes.

 She grabbed three more pillows, hurling them one by one in every direction. “AAAAAHHHHH! CURSE! EVERYTHING!”

 Even her Louis Vuitton handbag was not spared from the madness. She unzipped it with much force, almost detaching its zipper, and dumped all of its contents on the ground. 

She picked up her first victim—a pressed powder around ₩78,000—and threw it across the room, letting out a long, ear-piercing battle cry. Not even the slightest hint of regret crossed her mind as it collided against the wall, dropping to the floor with a loud crack. Her ₩78,000 pressed powder was now barely worth a cent.

 Her second victim—a flower vase she received from a fan two Christmases ago—met the same fate as the first. Who cares if it was a gift? Who cares if they were expensive? She. Wanted. Everything. Destroyed.

 Imagining the scattered ceramic shards as Sienna’s face was doing nothing to curb her bloodlust. Driven by the memory of their disastrous date, she picked them all up, not caring about the wound or even worse, the infection she could get.

  It’s fine as long as they die before she does.

 “AAAAAAAAHHH!”

 From the corner of her eye, Ray was darting his head side to side.. The chaos unfolding before him went beyond his control.

 It was not enough. Thrashing the whole living room was not bringing any satisfaction at all!  

  If laws did not exist, she would have killed those two already!

 Lastly, she caught sight of her phone, grabbing it and dialing the only person she knew would understand her.

 At the first ring, the other line picked up.

 “Yes—”

 “FIRE HIM! FIRE! HIM! I WANT ANOTHER BODYGUARD! IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE MR. PARK! ANYONE BUT THIS PIECE OF TRASH! THROW HIM AWAAAAAAAAAAY! AAAAAAHHH!” She screeched at the top of her lungs.

  “P-princess, calm down! What’s wrong?”

 “MY BODYGUARD IS BROKEN!”

  “What?”

 “RAY! HE… RAY! HE RUINED EVERYTHING! I’LL NEVER GET THIS CHANCE AGAIN AND HE–HE! UUUUUGGGGH!” She repeatedly stomped her feet.

  “Deep breaths, Princess, deep breaths. What did he do?”

 “RAY! HE SPILLED—"

 Then followed a string of curses befitting a sailor. If her words could be censored, it would merely be a continuous, uninterrupted beeping noise.

 “Give Ray the phone. I’ll speak to him.”

 “FIRE HIM, OKAY?”

 Ayu tapped the loudspeaker button, stomping towards Ray, who was standing still, carrying a box package under his arm.

 She shoved the phone on Ray’s free hand. “You’re screwed.”

 Ray held the speaker near his mouth. “Yes, boss?”

 She crossed her arms and loudly tapped her foot. If looks could kill, Ray would have been shish-kebab by now. To be more precise, he had already been impaled by her death glares immediately as they stepped out of the restaurant.

 “What just happened? I don’t understand what she’s saying. She said you spilled a girl on her tea? And someone’s shirt was drenched with this Zen? What? W-what does that mean?”

 “Ah. That.”

  “So you really did something?”

 “Yes, but not in the way she makes it out to be.”

 Ayu uncrossed her arms and stomped her foot. “JUST GET TO THE FREAKING POINT ALREADY!” 

 “I’m not done talking,” Ray coldly snapped.

 She gaped at him in a scandalized manner.  ‘How dare you?’

 “And she’s right… somewhat.”

 Irritated, she huffed a few stray hair strands away from her face,   ‘Somewhat my ass.’

 “I did spill the tea on Mr. Zen but I was only trying to stop the girl’s friend from spilling the tea on your daughter.”

 At Ray’s words, the frown on Ayu’s face slowly faded and was soon replaced by confusion.  The tea was meant for her?

 Stills of that unfortunate incident flashed in her mind—malicious intent hiding behind a useless piece of trash’s youthful smile, aiming a water gun at Ayu’s eyes, hellbent on blinding her with whatever unholy mixture she had concocted.

 If Ray had been with her back then… would he have prevented it? She watched the conversation between her father and her bodyguard, a somber look marring her face.

  “What? Why would they do that?”

 “Simply put, they dislike Ayu..”

  “This is unbelievable! How could anyone dislike my Ayu?”

 “Heh, I wonder how as well,” he sneered as he sent a sidelong glance her way.

 Ayu’s spirits sank lower. All this time, she was lashing out at someone who... did not deserve it?

 Having tea spilled on her was not nearly as dangerous as the time she nearly went blind. Unlike then, the one from the barbecue place was merely an expression of hate rather than a desire to harm, but still….

  “Tell me their names! I’ll make sure—”

 “Stop!” Ayu marched towards Ray, snatching the phone from his hand. “No need! Goodbye, Dad!”

  “Princess—!”

 She ended it before he could say another word. She knew it was rude, but she did not care anymore. He’d forgive her anyway.

 She looked around her, at the mess...

  'Mess' was an understatement; it was a trainwreck brought about by her rampage— the aftermath of a friendly date gone horribly wrong.

 With the anger ebbing away, only silence was left between the two.

 “Are you being honest with me right now?”

 “Yes.”

 “You know I could fire you anytime, right?”

 “Yes.”

 Blue eyes scrutinized his mint ones, intently searching for the slightest hint of a lie… at least something to justify her outburst...

 However, Ray held his ground, staring her down with the same intensity as her. He looked as though he was challenging her, disregarding the fact that he was still working under her…

  ...as if he thought they were equals.

 “Are we clear? Can I go now?”

 She was the first to break eye contact. “Do… Do what you want,” she said, casting her gaze on the ground.

 He bowed, carrying the box package under his arm, then left.

 o-o-o-o

  He had seen better content from Nat Geo Wild.

 Ray rolled his eyes and scoffed. Handling his boss’ daughter’s tantrums was not part of his job description; last time he checked, he was a bodyguard, not a babysitter.

 Her shrill voice was grating to the ears. He knew how much her father doted on her. Judging from his boss’ stories about her, he expected a spoiled princess wannabe…

  ...not the batshit crazy woman package that came with it.

 He was expecting at least a "thank you" from her, even when his effort deserved nothing short of a bow of gratitude. Were it not for him, those dirtbag fans of hers would have flooded in, asking for autographs and ruining her date. She should have been thankful that he was considerate enough to help her enjoy her date in peace.

                     | From: Big Boss

                    |You did a good job today. Keep it up. Be ready by midnight sharp tomorrow.

 Ray shot a glance at the box package under his bed.  Another one? He’d have to be extra careful around Ayu, then.

 “Tsk, tsk… useless brat….”

  ‘Condoms exist to prevent the birth of such abomination.’

 o-o-o-o

 As Ray stepped foot in the dining area, he was greeted by the smell of bacon and butter.

 Ayu, who was seated at the other end of the table, glanced up at him. Upon meeting his eyes, she hung her head down, playing with the ends of her hair instead.

 Across from her, at the spot he usually sat on, was an untouched plate of five greasy bacon strips and scrambled eggs. Beside it was a plate of pancakes stacked atop each other, drizzled with syrup and topped with slowly melting butter.

  Bzz!

 A fly flew past him, then landed atop a strip of bacon.

  Ayu waved it away, but it was a stubborn one, moving on to another strip instead. “TCH!” She shooed it again, and the fly eventually gave up and went away.

 “You should’ve eaten it sooner if you didn’t want flies getting to it.”

 “I don’t eat these stuff.”

 “Why is it here, then? Is Boss coming over?”

 “No.”

 “Ah. How about that pretty boy?”

 “I don’t invite men to my house. And Zen is too much of a gentleman for that.”

 “Ah. Your frie—”

 “AH!” Ayu slammed her hands on the table. Testing her patience first thing in the morning was not good for anyone’s health. “JUST EAT ALREADY FOR GOODNESS—!” She stopped herself before she could continue further. Closing her eyes and taking a sharp inhale, she composed herself. 

 “Eat it now if you don’t want it to go cold,” she said in a somber tone.

 This brought about a scowl to Ray’s face.  Was it that hard to say sorry?  She was in the wrong, yet she still held her pride.

  He figured her father had probably instilled in her mind how she never needed to apologize.

 “Tough luck, then, Princess.” Ray reached for an apple in the fruit bowl, then bit into it.

 She felt annoyed at how the seconds ticked at an unbearably slow pace, and his loud munches only worsened it.  Was it that hard to eat? If it was a matter of taste, there was nothing to worry about. She can cook if that’s what he was worried about.

 After what felt like an eternity, Ray swallowed. “I don’t eat those kinds of food too.”

 He stood up and headed straight to the door, leaving her sulking.

  ‘Go choke on your pride and bacon. See if I care.’

[johnnys-so]

I recall you saying you don't know Day6 well enough for an analysis, but what about now? If you can, we'd love one. Thank you!

HEYOOO! 

Umm a lot hasn’t changed on that front but I feel like the distance might be a good thing so I’m going to attach some small mini-analysis after the cut.

sungjin

Bob is literally the most dad friend ever and I think he really takes the cake (though GOT7′s JB comes a close second). He looks so constantly done with all of his members, and yet - probably the one who cleans the kitchen and makes sure to stock up on water/ramyeon/veggies etc.

I feel like he was born to be the hyung, you know? He is the responsible and primary caregiver type. Even though he doesn’t make a big show of it, it seems to be a big part of his personality that he takes care of other people

Also, my god his humour is just.... something commendable, truly. He can’t be funny to save his ass but atleast he keeps trying and i think THATS what so funny about him??? sungjin-ah.... never give up bby

I feel like he’s the least complicated of all members. He doesn’t seem to be the emotionally volatile type and seems very centred in his personality, he also seems oddly like he might have a sister? a younger one (does he? idk, mydays pls let me know). it’s just that other than the protective bear stereotype, he does seem emotionally well-adjusted. Maybe he’s just at that point in life where he can encounter a shitty day or some sort of hardship and look at it straight and say - ok, that’s fucked up. But I guess we gotta just work through it. (in comparison, wonpil would be shrieking through his lungs AND working through it)

in terms of a temper i think he most certainly has one but it takes him a while to get there and i don’t think he’d talk through it AT ALL. maybe cleanliness would be his pet peeve? (im just shooting in the dark here)

to wrap it up, sungjin is the sort of guy (in my opinion at least) who has a strong and steady value system and he’s sort of ok with dealing with the world as long as he has it figured out in his head. He knows who he is, and therefore there is little conflict he brings to the world. If he wasn’t playing in this band, I’d 1000% see him settle for the corporate life and clean9 to 5 job which lets him come back home by 7pm and have some cold beer while watching football and hearing his kids play in the living room

Jae

Aww man this skinny bitch. I feel like the fandom is sleeping on his ‘annoying prankster’ potential because i think  he’d give peeves a run for his money

derives great joy from the misery and anguish of others (probably has Wonpil maniacally laughing in the background)

on a normal day Jae is the sort of person who’s probably going through memes on the phone while everyone’s having a serious conversation about their tour or like their everyday schedules. He has a few things he cares about in life and is okay to take a backseat when it comes to the other shit. As long as he gets what he needs (a possible slytherin mofo?)

But that’s not to say that he’s easygoing or wishywashy about the things that he does care about. Music, matters a lot to him. Even though he’s not academically musically instructed (as young k is) he has spent a whole lot of time and effort into educating himself to the point that it really shows in their albums (i could wax poetry about the complexity of Day6′s music and how its so refreshing in it’s personality of being both goth and peppy i-). So Jae is most certainly determined, goal driven and very intrinsically motivated

Also, very much in his head. If he doesn’t have a strong pisces placement, I’m willing to eat my foot. I feel like while Young K is very intense about his emotions, Jae gets very emotional about the people he surrounds himself with.

With people: not very trusting of everyone. Has a chosen few that he goes to certain things about. Might be the kind of person who distributes his troubles by categories to various confidants. But also, trust is something that is earned with jae. But that is not to say that he won’t get along with other people. He’s cordial and is good in engaging a crowd (as a performer, MC, friend, VJ) but he’s also good at drawing lines and boundaries

the most incredible part of his personality for me has always been his work-ethic and his drive to be better. He’s always challenging himself through his existing skill set, but also pushing himself to learn new things. Sounds like a bloody workaholic to me. 

probably shit at figuring out his own feelings/emotions/attitude about certain things. But always up for being the wise advice-giver to other delinquents (read: jamie)

sarcastic wit to sass everyone for days. probably a loki over thor guy

Kink master extraordinaire. Likes cooking up shit and encourages people to sin.

Young K

emo baby af. But we all knew this so more on that later

The ultimate Onion of a personality. Young K, off the bat, seems like he hides so many layers. Not purposely at all, but simply because he’s unable to communicate the extent of his mental world to the public

one beautiful way he has found to channelise all of his thoughts and ideas about the world is clearly through his music and lyrics. But he’s also extremely creative in other ways (art and fashion). I feel like he’s the sort of person who feels most confident and assured in himself when he’s creating. 

socially, what a mess. I wouldn’t say he has trust issues like Jae does but im pretty sure he’s made some foolish mistakes about choosing friends and not realising how to navigate that friendship (friendships where he has demanded too much or has been demanded too much of??). But otherwise a jovial fool the kind of person who laughs the loudest (and dorkiest) at a dinner with friends

how’s his alcohol intake? I have this super funny intake of a drunk young k trying to write mini love poems for all his friends and sungjin being called to take him home and the call actually begins with “did he try to be poetic again?”

while im trying to paint a picture of him as a jester (because young k also needs to be seen for beyond his emotionality) he’s the kind of guy that would surprise you with how brilliant he is. An actual wisecrack/genius, and very underappreciated. I wouldn’t be surprised if he someday returns to teaching

Right. Emotionality though. If he isn’t some pisces (sun or moon) i will actually yell. He’s the definition of ‘someone who navigates an alternate plane, is open to a world that most people don’t even begin to understand exists’. i feel like speaking to him about abstract concepts - such as the existence of truth, the point of life, the definition of beauty, other existential phenomenon - would be so much fun because he’s have such an interesting and unconventional take on things. I feel like he’s make me humble with the words he has (he already makes me feel so secure with all of his lyrics because i realize, even if the world is shit what a relief that someone like young k exists)

probably would be a guilt-ridden but a wonderfully emotionally supportive boyfriend. Someone who understands your demons all too well and would go the extra mile to provide whatever help he can

1000% has high neuroticism scores that would be cause for concern. someone give him a Beck’s depression inventory right away.

HAHAHAHAH probably the fucking kinkiest mofo, after Jae

Wonpil

An actual baby!!

No ok but wonpil has matured THE most in all of Day6 and i really didn’t realise it until i notice how his expressions have become more closed during airport pics, and his voice has gained a new level of emotionality in live stages, and he’s also a lot more reserved these days on variety shows

still the most extrovert in the group. I just think the fame, the crowd, the possible betrayals as a result of their growing fame and having to be an adult in this tough situation - has gotten to him. But that’s inevitable really. None of us can be protected from the reality of life that leeches away at our innocence

such a vibrant soul. Such a giver. As a friend, he’s literal sunshine. Not much of a protector, but more of an amicable I’ll-always-be-there-for-you sort of person (though im guessing the amount of people he extends this courtesy to nowadays has probably reduced. 

fucking made to be an entertainer. He’s naturally funny and attracts all the energy (and eyes) in the room to himself. A very good mood maker if you will

in terms of neuroticism, I think he’d be more on the depression (from the constant stress workstyle and the increasing loneliness) than an anxious person. I think he probably is a bit volatile in his emotions but that’s because he gets lost in the moment. He’s literally someone who lives in the present far more than he lives in the past (sungjin or young k) or the future (jae)

don’t think he's intrinsically motivated much. Prone to a lot of lazy days, a lot of extreme gaming and just randomnly playing jokes and pranks on people. he’d need some strongly external guidance/deadlines to get his work ethic going

high extraversion and agreeableness, probably low on conscientiousness (especially discpline) but fascinated by aesthetic beauty (openness to experience).

Dowoon

Honest to god i cannot figure him out. I think it’s a case of - im trying to look deeper and harder but the truth is, it’s not even that complicated

underappreciated oppa potential 100000%

still comes through as a dork of a maknae. has zeROhand eye coordination outside of drumming. the kind of kid who breaks the glassware and blames it on his sibling (wonpil) and his parents totally believe him because he could do no wrong (aka sungjin grudginly yells at wonpil, again, about house rules)

just a man dedicated to his drums and his food. if he can play some solid beats, get some work done on the albums, play a nice set on a tour, have some chicken and beer while he is resting, have his hyungs fool around in the green room --> he good bruh

but by no means does that make him a fool (though i do think he’s a bit of a fool sometimes when it comes to picking up social cues about wonpil/jae making fun of him. he lacks the 눈치 you know what i mean)

Also (maybe I just love plot twists) but i think he’d be eerily good at picking up on people feeling sad/depressed/lonely/off in general. He’d be like that guy who just walks into the room and sees you just slinking away on the sofa and he thinks.... nah im just going to give them space and go get myself some food. But literally a few seconds later, he sits by you on the sofa, offers you food, and asks what’s on your mind. The silent supporter kind. Willing to listen, willing to be there for you

i don’t know much about dowoon so im just going to end this with: arms that can lift kids/ crush you in a bear hug/ pin you against a wall and leave bit marks on your neck

sorry if that didn’t cover much. I sort of only know day6 with their music. If im extremely wrong or way off about someone, please reach out and correct me!!

[dojae-huh]

I've read somewhere before that there is a type of fan called "Bias-is-mine". They're basically possessive of their idol, to the extend some other fans cannot have the same idol as their bias. And of course, since they think the idol is for them, the said idol cannot date whatsoever. Dating rumour that involves their idol is what they're afraid of the most.

Another anon

You said very well. Why is kpop so deep for some people? And it caught my attention that these kind of people are the ones who have deppression or other mental problems. It makes me sad, i hope people focus on their own life and try to find more positive and valuable things in it than an idol.

-------------

It is very difficult to fight depression (a lot of people don’t even realise they have it), so please don’t look down on such fans. An idol can be a very positive and valuable influence or presence in a person’s life. I used to follow an idol-actor who had a fan with cancer. She died, but he managed to visit her before it. He (and other fans) gave her strenght to try and fight to the end. Another idol-actor combined studying in Uni with building his acting carrier and inspired some of his fans to not drop off and graduate. 

As for the “crazy” once. The reasons can be different, from identifying with a group and acquiring “my people” (think about violent sport fans) to “dating” an idol with switching on the jealousy programme (the mind becomes delusional, the person really lives in a word of fantasies). 

Generally, as a hobby it’s an escape from reality. Songs, pictures, MVs, etc bring temporal joy and relief. Wins and awards bring the feeling of achievement, satisfaction and raise self-esteem. As with browsing in the Internet, reading social media, playing computer games, it is easy to start to spend too much time in the fandoms (develop addiction), but usually the reality doesn’t allow it. Self-realisation is a myth. The brain is happy, when it’s fed, warmed up and entertained. A sofa, beer and TV is all that’s really needed. 

There are plenty of fans who have established well-paid jobs (they don’t need to earn a degree and “think about the future”) or children (they have personal life and partners) and yet are very obsessed with their biases, because k-pop helps to get away from toxic co-workers or relatives and everyday stress.