#familiarity does not mean something is good and i'm so tired of being around people who think they're witnessing a good story

[psalmsofpsychosis]

okay but for real, spending an ungodly amount of time in the past 3 years around intellectually deadening media and people who mistake familiarity with brilliance has mostly made me feel insane, but it has also helped me develop the most straightforward approach to media i've had in years. Like, it's gotten very simple for me to gauge where i stand with people's creations and i love the sense of foundational simplicity i've found regarding my taste in media, like

you see, i need the art to tell something new, creative, distinct and interesting. If it cannot do that, then i need it to say something kind, compassionate and useful. and if it can't achieve that either, i find zero value in it, period. I've had so many people approaching me with the implication that demanding creativity and originality from media is somehow "wrong" and "weird" and "too much to ask for", as if i'm the problem for needing and expecting variety and novelty from art, the unspoken idea being "is it not enough that it's pretty? is it not enough that there are conventionally attractive able-bodied & socially sanctioned "hot" people fucking in it?" and no. the pervasive and invasive superficiality in your interpretation of stories and art is utterly boring to me, i really dont care how much "thin hot fuck young person" and "pretty aesthetics" you stick on your utterly dead and deadening narratives. I approach a piece of media and ask "is this telling something new? is this asking a different question whithin an intriguing framework?" and then i'm going to ask "is this kind and understanding of its subject matter? is it curious and openminded? is this information useful to our understanding of the world right now?" and if it cannot answer either question i'll drop it as fast as i picked it up.

[channelinglament]

Sksjdjjkskskskskksk

I know I should be focusing more on reqs, but I had to take this off my mind skskksskks (btw I'm rn in the underground belobog part of story) (I kinda called it SAHSR as in self aware hsr)

☆•°Self-Aware Honkai Star Rail°•☆

Tw: no proofread, mentioned drowning(but it didn't happen), war, hate, religious themes, self awareness, kinda ooc, grammar mistakes because I am typing this at 12AM instead of sleeping, isolation

So, you know how in the beginning we play as Kafka? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she felt your presence. At first she was kinda weirded out, and was on guard. Who knows what you would do to her, while controlling her?

Oh look, you're helping her.. Hmm, maybe you aren't that bad after all. Still on guard, but thankful. With you she seems to fight more faster and is more efficient.

Same goes with Silver Wolf. They don't seem to mind your presence that much.

You even helped them to pick a trailblazer! But after picking them, you left Kafka and Silver Wolf. They didn't really mind it. They have been doing good without you, so it should be fine!

Meanwhile, the trailblazer is confused. First, they don't remember anything except their own name(or the name you gave them), then Kafka leaves and someone is watching over them. Oh how confusing and strange. But they caught early on that you're helping them. You're not an enemy.

During their "adventures" trailblazer starts thinking of you as a family. Kinda annoying since you control their body most the time (unless it's a cutscene) but you're cool nonetheless. They see you as a safespace.

Meanwhile March 7th and Dan Heng don't understand what is happening. Who is controlling them? Why after they met trailblazer? Why are you controlling them?

I think March would, just like the trailblazer, like you and find you annoying at the same time. Dan Heng would stay on guard (but also see you as safe space/nice person to hang with). Not as much on guard as when you first...met but still. It'll take him time to get off guard. The more time you spend with them, the more familiar they are with you, the more they like you.

Why annoyed, you may ask? Well, imagine you want to.. for example fight, but someone controls your movement and does it instead of you. Or goes the other way (aka exploring) instead of the path you've originally chosen.

They certainly would like when you make them stronger. No matter who is on your team, they'll like it (I mean, who wouldn't?)

But.. sometimes, even if they like you, they get tired of always being on the team. Thank you, yes, but they need to rest too. They mostly rest when you're offline, since..time kinda stops there. But when you're online? damnnn they walk and fight so much.. (I fr walk everywhere to find enemies to fight, so uhh, if you're like me, they would be tired and maybe annoyed at it)

I think some characters would even hate you. It doesn't apply to the main trio btw, they'll always like you. The reason some may hate you is that they have so much stuff to do, yet you choose them to walk around and fight all day. They're even supposed to be here! (For example, using Herta when fighting someone in Belobog)

If they could, they would scold you. But sadly game doesn't allow that.

It only appears in normal, self aware circumstances. Aka a normal self aware. Some like you, some hate you. You just kinda exist. (That one strange friend/sibling, y'know?)

But what if they would see you as a God? Something divine? Like in SAGAU?

Well, you're doomed, what can I say?

Everyone would want to be in your team. Oh, poor Gacha system.

They would hate it tbh. While in just self aware some would avoid you on purpose (aka busy characters), here? Where everyone sees you as a divine being? Oh dear..

Imagine several people trying to come through a single door, all at the same time? Yeahhh that's what happens. The standard and limited banner would literally fist fight while trying to get "home" to you. So don't be surprised if nobody comes home, at all.

But some may cooperate, and you may get more 5☆ or 4☆! Basically characters you wanted.

Those on your team would be proud! Mostly if the main trio are still there. Some would be envious of trailblazer. You're always with them, even if they're not on your team.(how could you?!)

Kafka and Silverwofl would be devastated. I'm pretty sure Silverwolf could possibly destroy the gacha system and come home. Only her (and maybe Kafka)

People in Belobog would hate the lore and everything game makes them do what they do. They're so happy they met you! You're here to save them! They don't want to fight you, so please don't be mad at them.

Honestly, if you were to get isekai'ed into hsr, I would recommend to the normal au.

The ones who hate you would just tell you off and never interact again, while your family/friends would hang out with you. Plus you could help a lot in Astral Express!

Maybe get Himeko and Mr.Yang some tea? Or help Pom Pom with whatever he needs?

If you get into the Worshipping Lunatics au..? I feel sorry for you.. You would never rest-

Whether you choose to stay at Astrak Express, or Herta's *I forgot the name* or whatever, they are all ready to wage war against each other. And if you decided to stay somewhere, that means you clearly favor them and their place more! Those who were chosen are happy/smug. While other try to improve their place/copy the place you've chosen to make you reconsider and stay with them.

The amount of gifts.. try to not drown okay?

They might even all agree to keep you in one place. Lock you in there and hope you won't be mad at them.

That's all for now

(Gotta work on reqs now or in the morning, they're still open btw)

[rogueddie]

Steve groans at the sound of his alarm, batting his hand around the side table until he hits it hard enough to shut it up. He gets up, rubbing his eyes as he moves to the bathroom on autopilot.

He's not just tired, he's exhausted. But he always is at Christmas. He struggles to get enough sleep at the best of times but, since Dustin would kill him if he's late, Christmas is the one time he has to wake up early. It's miserable, every year. The motels only add to his suffering.

As he's washing his face, he freezes. He quickly rinses his face, prodding at the skin. There's no lines, no wrinkles, no crows feet. He doesn't even have his beard. That's when he notices his hair. His hand shoots back, grabbing at the longer strands at the back of his neck.

He hasn't had his mullet for at least 30 years. Not since 1989.

Hurrying back to his room, he nearly recoils. He'd forgotten about the plaid walls and curtains. But he quickly brushes that aside, quickly looking around for anything out of the ordinary. He wishes he could just pull out his mobile, sure that Robin would-

Robin!

He darts down the stairs, to the main phone. But is immediately reminded of how bad the old phones were. He can't remember what Robins old number was and he's sure the one he does remember will be wrong. And it's not written down anywhere either.

But it starts ringing, just as he starts walking away.

"Hello?" He says, struggling to keep his voice even.

"When will you get here?" Dustin asks. "You said you'd be up by now!"

"Dustin, oh thank god, I'm so glad to hear your voice," Steve sighs, rubbing his forehead. "Something really fucking weird is going on with me, dude."

"Weird? Like... Upside Down weird?"

"What? El shut- or has... what year is it?"

"1985. Are you ok? What's going on?"

Steve laughs, high and hysterical. "Uh, well... when I went to sleep last night, it was still 2021, so... no. I'm not ok."

"Are you being serious?"

"Unfortunately. Wait, 1985... that means-"

"No! Don't tell me!" Dustin yells so loud that Steve has to pull the phone away from his ear for a moment. "You can't just tell people what's going to happen! You could change the future!"

"Good!"

"No, not good! You might be trying to make things better, but you could make them worse. Especially if you actually tell people what's going to happen. You need to be subtle."

"Subtle, right..." Steve looks towards the door, pondering. "Right... uh... I'll see you later."

"What? Steve-!"

He hangs up before Dustin can continue to scold him, hurrying up the stairs and throwing on the first clean polo and jeans he finds. His old trainers are at the bottom of the stairs, just as remembers them being- they'd lasted decades before they fell apart, even though they'd always been loose and worn enough that Steve could slide them on, even though he keeps them tied.

It takes him a while to drive to the trailer park. He takes a wrong turn, completely forgetting the way. It's been so long since he's been in Hawkins and, even then, he wasn't familiar with this route.

"Um, hi, sir," Steve says, trying to smile when faced with Eddies uncle. He's not sure if he was always so stand-off or if Eddies death did that to him. "Is- is Eddie home?"

He grunts, eyeing Steve. "Gimme a moment."

He shuts the door, but he doesn't leave Steve waiting for long.

Eddie is the one to open the door. He gently pushes Steve back from the door, gesturing for him to follow him. Steve jogs to keep up with his fast pace, too busy staring to pay attention to how tense he is.

"Alright, what do you want?" Eddie sounds annoyed. Impatient. He's glaring at Steve and crossing his arms.

He looks amazing.

"Right, sorry," Steve shakes his head. "Sorry. Uh, this... ok, there's no way I can say this without sounding insane, so I'm just gonna say it, alright?"

"... Alright?"

"Chrissy Cunningham is going to try and buy from you in March. I don't know what she asks for, but if it means you bring her back here, don't. Just- sell her some weed, whatever you can carry on you. Don't bring her back here."

"She your girlfriend, or something?"

"No. God no. I just... something bad will happen. I'm sorry, I know that's... I sound stupid. But please, please," Steve can't help but step forward, grabbing Eddies hand. "Please don't bring her back here."

"Ok, alright, I won't sell to her," Eddies eyes are a little wide. "Jesus. I'll take your word for it."

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

Eddie stares at him for a moment, raises a brow. "Is that it? You, uh, gonna let me go now, big boy?"

"Oh! Right, sorry, yeah. Um. Merry Christmas?"

"Yeah," Eddie laughs, starting to head back to the trailer. "Merry Christmas."

Dustin yells at him for an hour straight once he drives to his house. He's red in the face by the time he finishes and looks one wrong word away from hitting him. But Steves already done what he wanted to do, he won't change it now and he won't tell Dustin what he said so he can either.

But he does tell Dustin the time to start paying attention. Without Eddie to get them on the case, they won't figure out how to save Max in time. He doesn't tell Dustin anything either, just the date of Chrissys death. He wishes he could think of a way to save her, but his mind runs a blank. And Dustin won't let him ask him. And Dustin refuses to leave him alone long enough to ask anyone else.

By the time he goes to bed, he's happy to think that he's done enough. Though, like Dustin, he wonders what will happen next. If he'll stay in 1985 or wake up in the changed future. Wonders what that would mean for his past self.

He wakes up warm, comfortable, and well rested. Someone has their arms around his waist, pressed fully up behind him, light kisses trailing up his neck, along his jaw.

Steve hums, yawning. "Who's 'at?"

"Morning to you too," the person behind him snickers.

Curious, Steve turns. He freezes, eyes wide. "Eddie?"

"Who else would it be?" Eddie smirks, but that slowly drops, realization dawning on him. "You were just in the past, weren't you? Wait- shit, no, hold on, do you remember anything past that?"

"I don't- ow!" Steve squeezes his eyes shut, head throbbing. "Fuck. Ow, fucking... shit."

"What? What is it? Baby, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," Steve whines, clutching at his head. "You were dead but you- got a job at the record store?"

"Oh, ok, this is good," Eddie curls his arms around him, pulling him close. "This is good. Dustin said this might happen. It's the conflicting timelines or whatever. Your timeline catching up with the new one."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I just know that, like, you might have two sets of memories- or your original ones get forgotten, or something. But this... this is good. God, Stevie, the idea that you'd forget this current timeline..."

He tries to think of what might have changed, new memories or old ones he can't recall. It just makes his head hurt. "How long will it be until I, like... remember everything? I barely remember the 86 with you alive."

"Who knows. Weeks, maybe? Might always be confusing. But... um. I died? Was that... why you were so adamant that I didn't sell to Chrissy?"

"Yeah, it- it got you caught up in the, uh... stuff."

"The Upside Down? Yeah, I did get caught up in that. Hard not to when your town suddenly rips apart. So, what, I originally got caught up earlier?"

"Right at the start. You, uh... you died to save us."

"Now I know you're lying. I'm not one for the big hero moves, that's your job."

"Shut up," Steve snaps. He lifts his head so he can glare. "Shut up. You were a hero. You were- you are. You- you-"

"Hey," Eddie wraps him up in his arms, one hand coming up to brush through his hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, Stevie, I'm really sorry. I'm ok though, yeah? You made sure of that. It's ok. I got you. I've got you. We're safe."

Steve sniffles, grimacing at the snot he leaves on Eddies top. The sight brings forth vague, distant memories- his but also... not.

"You do this a lot, huh?" Steve asks.

Eddie smiles, cupping his face, thumb brushing some tears off his cheek. "Yeah. It's not always easy, but I'm always here."

"Oh, wait... have I missed Christmas?"

"Just the day. Dustin remembered that you said 2021 so... we all wanted to wait. We're doing Christmas today."

"Really? Why?"

"Mostly because they wanted to be here, just in case. You made us promise, too."

"Just in case?"

"In case you forgot, baby. We don't know what you changed. Sandy is going to be very disappointed- she was excited to meet you again."

"Sandy?" Steve frowns, but the memory almost immediately hits him.

A baby, premature, and so small that she was barely bigger than his hands. Dustin's face, wet with tears but so proud, introducing the baby to Uncle Steve.

"Oh, Sandy," Steve whispers the name with reverence.

Eddie kisses him, almost desperately. He pulls back fast though. "Sorry, that was- fuck, Stevie. You're really remembering."

He sobs, startling Steve. "Woah, hey, Eds."

"Sorry. Fuck, we prepared so much but it... God, Steve, I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you never remembered again."

Steve presses a small, hesitant kiss to his cheek. "I don't think you'd have too much to worry about."

"Yeah, that's great," Eddie laughs. "My husband would've found me attractive even with amnesia."

"We're married?"

Eddie groans, flopping onto his back. "Of course that's what gets you excited. Time travel? Too boring for Steve Munson! Where's the adventure? But marriage?!" Eddie gasps dramatically. "Oh my, mister, that sounds mighty exciting!"

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the love of your life, stop being mean to me."

"Oh, don't go pouting at me like that, big boy. Even you should know that I have no self-restraint."

"Promise?"

[dangerousduckcloud]

Flowerbeds make up for a nice eternal rest

Read it also on AO3

“Couldn’t sleep.” You replied, putting the well-loved copy of the book back in the shelf. “What about you?” “Yeah, same.” He sat down on the couch, legs spread and elbows resting on his knees. “Hard to do so when you learn your whole life is a lie… Just ink on paper.”

I've been updating daily, however I've noticed the quality is not quite good sometimes (today, for example), so I'll be taking longer to update, maybe once a week/2 weeks or so, I'm sorry for this, but I wish to write something of good quality

Chapter 6 < > Chapter 8

taglist: @kurai-hono-blog

Fingers ghosting over the spines of the books, you're surprised to see so many titles familiar to you, from Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park, all the way to Jane Austen books, some of them more worn than the others, a small smile creeping up your face at the thought of knowing just who read these books so many times.

A new question —added to the many that’ve appeared since you accepted you’re in some other reality— popped on your mind, if so many things in their world are similar to yours; people, social functions, historical events, what was so different that led yours not having superheroes and vigilantes? There’s no Gotham, no Metropolis, no Star City, nothing.

Did this mean they simply do not exist, or they just didn’t want to make themselves known? Here, everything started with Superman. If he existed in your reality, what made him not want to help people? Had he been captured by the government instead of the Kents? Had his ship landed someplace else? Are there other planets out there?

So many questions, so many possibilities, not a single answer.

The book authors are the same as your world; Tolkien, Crichton, Austen… Not just a coincidence in people here writing books with the same title, so it begs the question of a point you mentioned last night.

Does this mean there's another version of yourself in this world? Is there a different version of them in yours?

���You alright?”

It didn’t matter how many times you would hear that voice, it will always send shivers down your body, making your heart skip a beat. Turning around towards the voice, the early morning light deluged him in a pink-golden light, water droplets falling to the floor, he was only dressed in black pants and a tight black shirt that didn’t seem comfortable, his muscly arms threatening to rip it apart.

His unnaturally vibrant green eyes were more focused on the book you were holding —Little Women— rather than your face.

“Couldn’t sleep.” You replied, putting the well-loved copy of the book back in the shelf. “What about you?”

“Yeah, same.” He sat down on the couch, legs spread and elbows resting on his knees. “Hard to do so when you learn your whole life is a lie… Just ink on paper.”

“I don’t think it is.” With long strides, you sat down next to him, an ample space left between you two. “The fact that you’re here with me discussing about this mess should mean that you’re more than just a puppet created to entertain. You’re a human being, with feelings, thoughts, ideas… Who knows, maybe someone from your world came to mine and wrote your life story.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, of course. If you were simply the mere product of a writer, how could I be here, when I’m not?” This whole time he’d been looking at the floor, lost in his mind, finally turning to look you in the eyes. “I’m as lost in this as you are, but the one thing I’m certain, is that you’re real, Jason. As real as the moon and the stars.”

It was immensely evident something continued plaguing his mind, his eyebrows drawn and eyes unfocused, you knew how lost he must feel like, having felt the same just the night before, but whatever conclusion he came to, his face searched yours once again, a tired, tight smile on his face.

----

Breakfast had been a chaotic affair, having to explain to the rest of the family present in the house what endured after you woke up in the cave, Tim and Cass having long gone to sleep after they were sure you were safe.

“So, we’re not real?”

“You are, just not in my world. At least not like this.” Your meal had long gotten cold, being bombarded with questions that left you no time to take a bite. “There are no vigilantes there. Also, I’m sorry, Tim.”

“What for?”

“I thought you were delusional.”

Everyone in the table laughed, with Tim throwing you a harmless glower, even Alfred coughing to hide his smile.

“This is intriguing.”

You nodded at Cass’ response, at last grabbing your fork to eat your cold scrambled eggs, attempting not to make faces at the taste.

“So…” Tim spoke once again after refiling his cup of coffee for the third time. “Everything that we’ve suffered, is all just because someone wrote it?”

All eyes were laid on you, your face pale and mouth dry suddenly.

You couldn’t say no, because you still didn’t know how this worked, and you didn’t think you’ll ever find out, was your world shaping theirs, or was it theirs shaping the stories you were shown?

But you also didn’t want to say yes, because that would mean…

Unconsciously, your eyes wandered over to Jason, eyes locking for a second, his neutral demeanor changing into a raised eyebrow.

“Why did I die?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Cass raised a brow as well, her words clipped. “You’re lying.”

It was way better when you still thought they were just crazy, with no interrogations to interrupt your breakfast.

“There… There was a poll.” Avoiding everyone’s faces, you spoke to the table, voice as small as possible, however, with them being the detectives they were, they still could make out your words, if the gasps were any indication.

“A poll?” Jason reiterated, outraged. When you looked up, green eyes filled with hate was the only thing you could focus on. “A poll to decide my fate? A fucking poll?”

“I—Jason, they—”

“They what? Why would they do something like this!?” His eyes were glowing, hands closing into fists. “I was fifteen! Why would you do this? Who the fuck would think of killing a teenager!?”

“Wh—Me!?” You stood up, chair dragging behind you. “Jason, I wasn’t even born when that happened! And—and from what I read; they didn’t even think they’d do it.”

“Oh, and that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

Tears were prickling your eyes, mouth left hanging open. He had every right to be angry, everyone would, however the hate directed to you was unwarranted. The rest of them were looking at you, faces unreadable, except Dick’s, his eyes red, but whether it was for the current situation or remembering Jason’s murder, you didn’t know, maybe it was both.

It was clear none would come to your rescue, too disgruntled and sorrowful on Jason’s behalf.

“What do you mean you weren’t even born?” Tim asked, his investigative soul winning against his feelings. Or maybe this was his way to deal with the pain. “You’re Jason’s age, you were fourteen.”

Sniffing, you cleared your tears with the sleeves of your shirt. “I don’t know how time works here. That happened in the… The eighties, I think. I was born in the 2000’s.”

“This doesn’t make any sense.” He mumbled. “The years…” And without another word, he left the kitchen, quickly followed by Jason, although taking another path.

“Jason, wait.”

But your words fell on deaf ears. You hadn’t known Jason for a day, and he already hated you.

“I’m sorry.” Apologizing for everything you’d done and everything you didn’t, you walked out the kitchen as well, not a clear destination in mind.

[britswriting]

Quadrupled | Quadruple The Love H.S

Quadruple the love masterlist

read on wattpad

Unedited  - I'm tired 

"I'm bigger than the house we first bought together" I huffed, Harry helping me get into the hospital.

Today we were meeting our babies and I was scared out of my mind.

Normal pregnancies have forty weeks to worry. Forty weeks to figure out names, nursery, how you want to parent, what diapers you want you use, are you breast feeding or bottle feeding, cloth diapers or disposable diapers, co-sleeping, or strict crib rules.

I lost ten weeks of worrying.

Ten precious weeks that might've given me more answers than I knew now.

Not only have I been "in hiding" for months, keeping out of the limelight with my big ole belly — Harry and I agreeing for the safety of me and the kids; it was best for me to keep close with our families. We didn't want to tell the world that we're having quadruplets until they were already born, home and safe. 

The good lord knows that last thing we want to do is explain about some sort of horrific event we had to go through when we only announce we have one, or two, or three. 

I'm terrified.

"You look so beautiful, love" Harry smiled over at me; a nurse waiting at the door with a wheelchair. "We're about to be parents" 

"To four babies. We're doomed, Styles" I sighed, wishing I could focus more on the highs than the lows, but I couldn't help it.

Four babies is a lot. Even with help.

"Y/N Styles?" The nurse asked, my head nodding. "Take a seat, I'm sure your feet are killing you" She smiled, and I nodded, agreeing.

I carefully sat down and we were brought to the front desk for paperwork before being brought to our pre-op room.

"How does it feel to know this is the last time they're going to be inside of you?" Harry questioned, grabbing the hospital gown to help me change into.

"Strange" I answered honestly, my voice soft as I started to strip. I was covered in red stretch marks on my stomach, my back, my hips, my thighs, even my ass and boobs. These babies took a toll on my body in more ways than just physically. "I'm looking forward to the relief on my boobs and back" 

"I can't wait to meet them all" He sighed, a cute smile dancing on his lips.

I couldn't help but smile back up at him, "I know, me too. It's crazy to think what all can happen in just 30 weeks. They're going to be so tiny. You think they'll be okay, right? I mean, they're supposed to be in there for ten more weeks" I began to panic a little; something Harry was all too familiar with through this pregnancy.

"The Styles name lives on" He grinned, doing a little shimmy with his body, my eyes rolling as I giggled, turning around so he could tie the back.  "You ass look cute" he squeezed, my head shaking as I smiled.

We haven't had sex in months. I've given him more handjobs in the past few months then I did our entire dating relationship. I've been too tired, sore, or just downright uninterested. My sex drive has diminished completely.

Thankfully he still finds me attractive enough to get hard; I don't think I could mentally survive if I was trying to get him off and he simply couldn't do it. 

Your body changes a lot when you're pregnant, I knew that going in. However, I wasn't prepared for all the changes that would couple with having quadruplets. The size alone of my stomach was enough to make me already start planning a tummy tuck and an extra skin removal just to feel better about myself in the shower, or the mirror.

I knew I wasn't going to be skinny after having kids, and I was okay with that. I was prepared for that, yet the idea of so much extra skin once my stomach started losing it's after birth bump... mentally, I was dreading.

I'd be lying if I said it had nothing to do with being married to the Harry Styles.

It wasn't all of it, but it was a lot of it. 

I couldn't help but think about the pap pics, or the interviews, or the social media posts. People were mean even if you were the most beautiful person on the planet. Now I've got four babies and a thrown our figure. 

Harry and I had planned to do interviews after we announced their birth and that alone kept me up at night. How many pairs of spanks do I need to buy? Do I wear black? It hides you best.

"Alright love, look at you" Harry smiled, telling me to do a spin for him; chuckling when I carefully toddled on my feet in a circle. "Stunning! The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I love you so much, gorgeous. The babies have the prettiest, sweetest, most caring mumma ever" Harry wrapped his arms around me as best as he could, ending in me huffing, trying to push him away before he hugged me from the side, kissing me.  "We'll always make it work" He mumbled against my lips, kissing me again.

A knock at the door pulled us away, a few nurses coming in with charts, an IV and a blood bag.

Great.

With a urine sample off to the lab, I was settled in the hospital bed before they started my blood draw and IV drip, going over a few chart questions until the anesthesiologist and obgyn surgeon came in with consent forms.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, already dressed in scrubs.

"Nervous" I admitted, my leg uncontrollably shaking.

"Well, although it is my first time getting out four babies, it isn't not my first c-section, or my first time with multiples. My team and I are as prepared as we can be; all hands on deck, I promise" She smiled and I just nodded, wishing her reassurance eased me more than it actually did.

Getting shaved by someone other than yourself was an awkward experience I thoroughly wished to forget by the time I looked back at this moment ten years time. 

"Look babe, our babies are going to be in these" he pointed at the hospital bassinets, a smile on my lips as I watched him fawn over  it, "We're going to need three more" he chuckled, looking around at all of the baby things. "What's this?" he pointed at a station with a lamp above it.

"I think it's too keep the babies warm, I don't know for sure though" I hummed, eyeing the clock, awaiting for our surgical time.

Twenty minutes passed, Harry gloating about how he got to pee, instantly regretting it when he saw my face before we got rolled into the operating room.

Harry was held back to put on scrubs and do his antibacterial scrub whilst I got monitors placed on me, a catheter inserted, yay me, and my stomach cleaned before Harry showed up at my side, a grin on his face, "Here we go baby" he said, looking adorable as I stared up at him; the room crowded in all sorts of different people; four different baby stations set up, ready to start clearing their airways, cleaning them off and keeping them warm.

"Please let everything go away" I softly prayed, my eyes falling shut as the nerves begun to take over.

Please let my four babies all be okay. All be perfect, and healthy. 

Please let them all have good breathing, and hearts, and movements. 

Please keep my babies safe.

"We're going to be okay, Y/N. We've got the best medical staff. All these people are here, ready to help" He eased and I nodded, calling out, "None of you better post this on TikTok", knowing we had everyone sign legal forms even worse than just patient confidentiality 

Chuckles were heard around the room, I just hoped they knew I was serious.

I don't want my birth story our there before I get to tell it. 

With the drape up and the anesthesia administrated, the surgery begun.

I stared at the hospital ceiling, my heart knowingly racing — I could hear the nurses talking about it; Harry's hand finding mine as he crouched down next to me, his mouth brushing against my ear.

"Hi baby" He murmured, "You're doing so well. You're the strongest woman I've ever met, and I'm so thankful to call you mine. I'm so grateful you're our babies mother. That you're the person I get to do this with. You're going to be the best mum ever. The babies are going to love you so much. I just know it. I love you so much, you're doing so so so good. It's going so well, hear them? Hear them talk about how well it's going? We're going to meet our babies, Y/N. They're going to be the most perfect little humans we've ever seen. Our families are going to be enthralled with them. My mom's already on her way" he chuckled, kissing my cheek, my brain focusing on his voice, and let of the talk around me. "Little did we know when we first met, that you'd be in an operating room waiting to meet four of our children at once. Can you imagine telling our younger selves that? When the doctor said you couldn't have kids, that you'd be meeting four of your flesh and blood in just a few minutes? Just one easy peasy lemon squeezy producer later? I hope they have your beautiful smile, and colorful personality. I can't wait to watch you mother the hell out of them" he laughs softly, his thumb stroking my knuckles, "Watch them grow up with us. their first breath, their first bath, their first night home, their first laugh. Their first food and first time crawling or walking. Our entire life is starting all over again once we leave this hospital, baby; and I'm so lucky I get to do it all with you" 

"First baby's out!" I heard, my breath hitching, Harry's smile brightening as a sob escaped my lips.

"We're parents, Y/N. It's official" He kissed me, my chest shaking as I cried with pride, joy and fear.

"It's a boy! Time, 7:16pm" We heard, followed by a rush of people talking, movement heard; Harry and I holding our breath's until we heard the cry, a collective sigh of relief was heard around the room.

"I love you so much" Harry confessed, my brain too fried to reply as it was panicking with fear and excitement.

We're parents.

We have a baby.

Harry and I have a son.

A soft voice was heard behind Harry, Harry straightening up, our son coming into view.

"Oh my god" I exhaled, Harry being handed the baby, his eyes glistening under the bright white lights before they fell down his cheeks as he stared down at him, carefully holding our son to show me. 

"Look at his cheeks" Harry exhaled, both of our breaths taken away by the sight of our son.

"Second baby's out! It's a boy! Time 7:21pm" Was heard again, my body on the ultimate adrenaline high.

"He looks just like your newborn baby photos, your mom is going to be thrilled" I cried, smiling at my sun, wishing I could hold him; but he was taken away right when we heard the second cry.

Another breath of relief was heard, the team of doctors and nurses doing their tasks before the second baby was brought over, followed by a third  "Baby's out! It's a boy! Time, 7:24pm"

Everything was happening so quickly, I felt like I couldn't fully process the fact that three of my babies are now in the world.

I have triplets.

"You're a dad" I stated, it finally hitting that our dreams were coming true as Harry held our second son, his tiny little body not processing yet.

They were so small.

Three high pitched screams were heard around the room, my eyes falling shut as the noises flooded my brain, each wail, beep, and murmur being etched into my memories. 

"They're cleaning up the babies and getting them under heat lamps" Harry informed me, apparently he could see around us; whereas I'm stuck seeing the ceiling. "One has a getting checked with a stethoscope" 

"Please let them all be okay" I repeated quietly, awaiting the arrival of our baby girl.

"I'm so proud of you Y/N" Harry repeated, his hand brushing away my tears, "You're incredible, love"

The longer it took to hear the arrival of my daughter, the more concerned I got. 

I hated this. Lying here. Helpless. Just waiting. I can't do anything. I'm numbed, trapped on this table.

I can't reposition, I can't push, I can't pull.

I just have to lay here and wait; it was agonizing.

"Baby girl is out, time 7:32pm" 

I held my brain waiting for her cry, my hands shaky, Harry grabbing my left hand and squeezing.

With the quiet cry being drowned out over the boys wails, I felt uneasy.

"Why is she so quiet?" I asked, wanting to scoop them all up and protect them from anything that could be causing them torment.

"The boys could be louder?" Harry said, worry evident in his tone.

Upon further exam, we were informed that she was having difficulty breathing and would be given oxygen, supposedly from being crushed by her brothers.

My heart cracked at the idea of her being squished so much that she was struggling to breath.

Harry didn't even get to hold her before they were all whisked away to the NICU and my stitched up stomach was eventually rolled to the post op room.

I was so tired, my body shaking, but all I wanted was my kids.

I didn't get to have them laid on my chest, or to see them the very second they were born. As silly as it sounds, I felt robbed.

I didn't get to have the dream labor and delivery; and I know it sounds silly and life is unpredictable; but there was no skin to skin. No cut the umbilical cord. No immediate bonding.

Everything was extremely different than I dreamed of. It was to be expected due to having quadruplets, but that didn't change the fact that it felt disappointing.

I wanted the best for them, and they're already hooked up to god knows what sitting alone in a room without me. 

I'm already useless to them.

I sat in the recovery room alone, shaky, tired and sobbing as Harry left to go see the babies in the NICU; my body still numb as I just laid there, tears strolling down my face.

Harry and I were parents, which was a dream come true within itself, and I was incredibly thankful to have my four kids, but laying here, alone.. it just felt dehumanizing.

I was their mother. I was supposed to care, and protect them, to love them. Yet I'm stuck here, alone, just waiting for whenever I'm allowed to see them.

My boobs hurt, aching to feed my babies, and I already knew they'd be on formula due to their being four of them.

I hated feeling defeated.

Like I was already failing and they were just born.

Harry gets to parade around the hospital seeing his children whilst I just lay here, alone, without them.

All I got was a glimpse of my sons before all four were taken away and I was abandoned in this room.

My eyes burned from crying and tiredness, the exhaustion eventually taking over and my body lulling into a sleep.

I woke up to Harry sitting next to me in fresh clothes, cheeks red as he stared down at his phone, his thumb scrolling from right to left.

I just stared for a moment, his head lifting, our eyes meeting.

He looked tired.

"Hi" I whispered, my body still feeling like dried cement.

"Hi" He replied just as softly, shifting closer on his chair, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles.

"How are they?" I questioned, chewing my lower lip as my body ached.

"They're small. I have pictures; I just.. want to warn you, they're um.. they're.."

"They're what, Harry?" I rushed, ready to hop out of this bed no matter how much it hurt, to go find my children.

"They're hooked up to all kinds of stuff. They're so tiny, Y/N. They've got monitors.. and breathing tubes..; their diapers barely fit" He was starting to get choked up as he looked away, swallowing the lump in his throat before sniffling.

"They were born ten weeks early, Harry" I quietly reminded him, knowing I was brave enough to do all kinds of research of what to expect, but Harry wasn't.

He wanted to live in naive land, and just be excepted about their birth.

Harry showed me all the photos and videos he took; Harry's finger bigger than their palm.

Each photo you could see his anchor tattoo, and I swear his hand was bigger than their body.

I broke my heart to see my babies suffering, both of us sat here crying over pictures and videos when asked when I could see them, Harry telling me we had to wait for a nurse to bring me in a wheelchair.

I just wanted to hold them, but I knew from my researching I needed to be prepared for that not to happen.

All I could do was hope that one day all of this hurt, and pain, and worry, would just be a blimp of a memory as I watched them all laugh and play together; snuggling each one into their cozy beds and sending them off to school the next morning.

I knew to take one day a time, one hour even; but if I didn't think about the future, and just stayed in the present, I'd go crazy.

I had to cling onto hope. It was the only way I'd survive however long they were in the NICU for.

* * * * 

Their birth - part one :)

Next parts and Harry + Y/N in the NICU + bringing them home, meeting family etc and then announcing them to the world! 

I'm ngl, I still don't have names.. so we gotta figure that out too lol.

Written on: October 9th and 10th 2023

Published on: October 10th 2023

Word Count: 2997

tags: @ashleighsss @theekyliepage

[tossawary]

I've only seen 3 episodes of the new "Percy Jackson" show so far and my main complaint with the first two episodes was pacing. I thought the pacing in the third episode was much improved and overall very good, but a lot about the first two episodes felt rushed to me.

I think episodes 1 and 2 both could have been two episodes each to slowly introduce us to Percy, Grover, Sally, Mr. Brunner, Mrs. Dodds and the Minotaur, and then to the Camp, to Annabeth, Luke, Clarisse, the satyrs and the different cabins, etc.. I mean, I think what was there was pretty solid! I like the actors! I don't think it's badly written (I think making Luke show Percy around the camp was a good choice to make later things hit harder, since we will have more time with Annabeth on the quest itself later), but I would have liked more breathing room scenes, like when Percy burned the blue jellybeans, for things to settle in, and I blame the studio for not giving this show a longer season to work with.

As it stands now, the first two episodes felt more intended for existing fans, rather than for onboarding new fans. I feel like a frog being thrown into boiling water instead of the water coming up to a boil around me. If you're not familiar with this religion & lore already, if you don't know who the Twelve Olympians are, the introduction to the Camp doesn't give you much of a foothold, which is quite unfortunate when PJO was many people's introduction to this stuff.

The blue food is not really explained. The tension of the mystery with Mrs. Dodds kind of gets thrown out because it all happens so fast. There's no time to slowly build a feeling of normalcy and then wrongness. Percy's relationship with Chiron is undermined by how little time they get together. Percy finding out who his father is happens SO QUICKLY that we don't have a proper understanding of what's wrong about his claiming when it happens. The camp looks cool and I want to see more of it! How it functions is barely explained! We barely get to meet anyone! It feels like Percy is there for less than 48 hours before he's leaving on a quest again, so there's very little time to build up his attachment to it. I have less emotional investment in Percy's conflict with Clarisse because we barely get to understand what daily life at Camp Half-blood might be like (although I understand putting less focus on Clarisse now knowing that you'll be able to play catch-up during future storylines).

I think the show is making pretty good choices with the time that they have, I just wish they had MORE time. I don't think that they have to include every little detail and scene and character from the books. I like a lot of the changes they've made just fine. I just feel like the writing and acting is being undermined by the fact that there's very little time to set things up so that you can knock them down, and that it takes more time to show something visually than it does to read a sentence. Everything in episodes 1 and 2 is moving so quickly that some of the magical aspects feel... less magical to me because there's less time to develop contrast. And the show doesn't have as much time to potentially develop cool NEW things, to slide in more new funny character interactions, because it's all so smushed down. I want more time to see these actors shine together.

(Although, admittedly, it is VERY funny to feel like Percy is stuck in some sort of speedrun version of the story. Every day is a new rollercoaster of Percy not knowing what the fuck is going on and going with it because he's not given the time to ask questions. Sure! This might as well happen next! His life sucks already. That part feels very true to the books, although I think the feeling could still be preserved if the show was given more time.)

I'm tired of 8 episode seasons. I don't know if I think that PJO needs a full 20+ episodes to tell the story of the first book, probably not, but being constrained to only 8 instead of at least 10-16 feels disappointing.

[666writingcafe]

A Trip To The Past

Upon grabbing Not-Solomon's hand, my vision goes momentarily black, but then I find myself in a brightly lit meadow with lots of colorful flora. This has to be somewhere in the Celestial Realm; everything's overly saturated.

The last time I was in the past, I was with Barbatos, observing the memory of Lilith's death. We had to hide in the shadows to make sure we weren't spotted, or we'd permanently alter the memory.

You don't have to do that this time.

Great. Not-Solomon's in my head. I am tired of people walking in and out of it like it's their own place, because it's not.

Reach up towards the top of your head.

Confused, I do as he instructs, and something burns my hand.

Except when I pull it back to see how much damage I've done to it, there's no mark. Which means I've assumed the form of something that's resistant to this kind of bodily damage. And given that I'm in the Celestial Realm...

"Why, hello there." A voice pierces through my thoughts, forcing me to focus on the person standing before me. A rather familiar looking person.

"I don't think I've ever seen you around before," Asmo continues. "What's your name?"

You can use your real name.

"MC," I answer. Asmo smiles.

"That's a good name. It suits you. I'm Asmodeus, but you probably already knew that. Everyone here does." He pauses. "You don't work for Raphael, do you?" I shake my head.

"I just arrived here," I tell him. "I got separated from my group, and I have no idea how to find my way back."

Good. New angels go through an orientation-like process.

I had no idea that was a thing. I just figured I'd play up the sad, pathetic, and clueless schtick. It's worked to my advantage before.

"Great!" Asmo quickly adds,

"Not the bit about you being lost. That sucks. I'm just glad that you don't work for Raphael."

"Why?"

"Well, you see, I went to something called a party in the human world the other day. I'd never been to one before, and I wanted to see what it was all about. It was a costume party, and so I simply pretended I was a human dressing up as an angel. That way I didn't have to hide my wings."

"What did you think of the party?" Asmo's face lights up.

"It was so much fun!" Just as quickly, his expression sours. "But Raphael says it's a wicked and immoral thing to do."

"He's not entirely wrong. People tend to overindulge at parties." Asmo sighs.

"I suppose you're right. A lot was happening at that party, things that are considered taboo here." He pauses again. "Raphael found out about my little adventure and has called me in to see him, but I hate getting lectured, especially over something that's not that big of a deal. I should be able to have fun every once in a while."

Interesting. I wonder if this party served as the catalyst for Asmo to eventually become the Avatar of Lust. If he disagreed with Raphael about something small like the nature of parties at this point in the past, did he begin questioning more serious things further down the line?

"What're you doing here?" The sudden appearance of another person causes Asmo to scream, which in turn causes me to jump.

"Beel, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" he shrieks. "Don't scare me like that!"

"I don't think I was being particularly scary," Beel replies, looking slightly confused and sad. Once Asmo composes himself, he asks Beel to open up the Celestial Realm gates, and Beel simply answers,

"No." Asmo protests, but Beel's attention is no longer on him, but rather on me.

"Who's this?" he asks. Before I can even open my mouth, Asmo chirps,

"Oh, this adorable thing? That's MC. MC, this is Beelzebub, one of the cherubim. You probably know this already, since Beel's quite famous, but he guards the gates at the Celestial Realm."

"I remember my group leader mentioning him a couple times," I respond.

"Group leader?" Beel appears to grow concerned. "Did you get lost, MC?" I nod my head. "Are you okay? Asmo hasn't tried anything on you, has he? He likes to hit on anything that moves."

"I'm okay--"

"Beel, what an awful thing to say!" Asmo interrupts. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't go around accusing me of randomly hitting on everyone I see. It's not as if I'm happy to be intimate with just anyone, okay?! I care about who they are. I just happen to feel love towards everyone I meet, that's all." Beel doesn't seem convinced.

"You look like you're hungry," he remarks to me. "I have a few sweets Michael gave me earlier if you'd like something to eat."

"I'm okay, but thank you. Besides, if they're a gift, you should keep them for yourself." Beel sighs.

"I wish I could, but I'm trying to lay off the sweets. I've been eating too much recently, and I feel like I've gained weight as a result."

First Asmo, now Beel. Did something specific trigger Beel to start eating more than he ought to, or was it more gradual? More importantly, do these actions mean that they were somehow destined to become the Avatars of Sin, even if no one realized it at the time they occurred?

Signs. Of course. That's why Not-Solomon transported me to this particular period of time: to observe the early signs of their eventual fall. But why?

And then everything hits me at once.

If you were to spend any real time here–and not just in the areas prepared for visitors–you’ll find that it’s a rather dark place.

You're the one person I can trust fully.

I desperately want to hold your hand.

I need you, MC.

It's Simeon, isn't it? He's at the crossroads Not-Solomon was referring to. That would explain why he seemed so worn out at the cafe earlier; his mind has allowed him very little rest, and why would it? This is a potentially life-altering decision for him. Does he remain an angel, or does he fall and become something else?

The brothers made their decision a long time ago, but I have a feeling it won't be as easy for Simeon. They at least had each other. Simeon has Luke to think about, because I doubt he's going to take the young angel with him. I know that he wants Luke to maintain his innocence for as long as possible, and falling would expose him to some rather dark truths.

Which means the only way Simeon can actively protect him is to remain in the Celestial Realm. But is he willing to pay the price for it? Luke's purity, or his own happiness?

And how am I supposed to help Simeon decide which path to take?

[nyaagolor]

Very silly chart about the sv characters and weed

Protagonist: your mileage may vary but mine only befriended Koraidon because she was high as shit and thought it was a really big wingull

Nemona: She took those anti-drug PSAs to heart. Not only does she think marijuana will kill you and has never smoked before, but if she saw someone else smoking she would put out their joint and give them a stern lecture. She's still student council president at the end of the day and she will NOT tolerate la hierba diabla

Penny: Being a stoner transfemme catgirl furry is basically a prerequisite to being a cybersecurity expert at this point. This woman has DEFINITELY played Minecraft while high out of her mind

Arven: He is completely unfamiliar with weed outside this one weird brownie recipe he saw online once, but good lord he needs some. Get this man an edible immediately he needs a nap and a release from the cruelty of existence

Sada and Turo: Got the idea for the time machine while high, this is a hill I will die on

Jacq: He has enough cortisol in his bloodstream at this very moment to kill a small mammal, I think he needs something to chill him out. He's so air-headed that it probably won't affect his outward behaviors anyway

Miriam: Medical marijuana was getting popular so she got curious and tried it, telling absolutely no one. She hated the cotton-mouth feeling, so she hasn't touched it since, and says she's never tried it when people ask

Dendra: She's an athlete and they drug-test so she couldn't try it even if she wanted to (and trust me, she wants to)

Saguaro: He was never interested in it because it smells bad >n<. Try as he might to hide it, he's a bit sensitive and didn't want to be around something so stinky

Salvatore: He was in the poke-netherlands once on a study abroad trip and rolled the worst blunt of all time. He was so thoroughly humiliated that he didn't even end up smoking and was asked to leave. The memory still haunts him. He doesn't like to talk about it

Tyme: Smoked a few times when she was a teenager and hanging out with Ryme-- ironically in their youth, it was Tyme who was the rebel! She hasn't done it in a few decades though, it's not really her thing anymore

Raifort: She'll try anything once, but didn't like the feeling of being so sluggish and tired so she didn't do it again

Clavell: You know that video with Clavell as Dwight? "Clavell finding marijuana is more dangerous than most people smoking it"? Exactly that

Katy: Smells too bad for her to even think about trying it. Also she's petty and too many people asked her if she can bake weed brownies, so she avoids it on principle now

Brassius: He's a grass gym leader, what do you think. Also I hc he has a chronic illness so he takes it medically to help with the pain. His studio smells downright rancid

Iono: Got high on a since deleted stream. She ended up staring directly into the camera for like three hours and falling asleep drooling, which was so embarrassing that she erased all records of the stream from existence and swore never to touch it again

Kofu: This is a man who looks like he would make MEAN cannabutter. He just has the vibes

Ryme: Smokes sometimes at parties and other social events, but not all that frequently. Grandma's still got it, plus it helps calm her down before a seance

Tulip: Tried it once after being offered it at an afterparty, but didn't like how it made her feel. She likes to be at the top of her game At All Times and this was not the way to do it

Grusha: Takes it medically for his chronic pain, but that's about it. Wouldn't use it otherwise

Rika: Just look at her.

Larry: Tried it one (1) time and didn't like it. Prefers regular cigarettes

Poppy: She's four.

Hassel: He ran away from home to be a musician he definitely had a stoner phase. Also he's besties / husbands with Brassius, so he's more than familiar with weed. I think because he's a schoolteacher and works with kids he doesn't do it much anymore though

Geeta: I'm honestly not sure how she fits into this, only that she's on the Nightmare Blunt Rotation of every Paldean

Giacomo: He can pretend all he likes but he's still a student council president at heart, he is mortified by the very concept of smoking weed. Someone offered him a joint at a rave and he lectured them for a half hour on the importance of caring for your body. He may look like a stoner but do not be fooled

Mela: Acts tough but she's kinda scared of the prospect of smoking weed. Don't tell anyone though

Atticus: He heard about this ancient Johtoian technique of ninja relaxation and tried to hotbox his room once. This resulted in an academy-wide fire scare because he set off every smoke alarm in his hall. The director was less than thrilled about this. Rumor has it the smell from Atticus' homemade herb and weed blend still sticks to the walls

Ortega: His opinion on weed is irrelevant because no one in their right mind is going to deal weed to a 14 year old nepo-baby in a pastel pink suit

Eri: Actually shockingly responsible and healthy at the end of the day-- illicit substances aren't part of her workout routine. Will probably give you a look of disapproval if she sees you smoking, but ultimately that's your business

[zaimta]

T.M.I

zai says: i think imma release these every friday, when the other ones come out yall will be able to tell that this was the first one i did also i'm gon milk this arc till the day i die n y'all know this

[prev] [pause/play] [next]

you looked in the mirror in disgust, you hated what you saw, nothing but a broken person who couldn't even stay true to what they believed in. nothing more than a puppet being toyed with by the puppet master.

you and freed walked side by side to the church, he could tell you were feeling a slight amount of guilt but he had yet to figure out something that was bothering him “y/n. it’s clear that laxus will only listen to you at this point. but maybe he is beyond that point…however, i must ask why haven’t you told him to call this all off? it’s clear you don’t want much to do with this. so why y/n? why do you fight for something you don’t believe in?”

“because i-”

“damnit!” you shouted at the memory flooding your brain, you clutched your head looking down at your feet, and you then felt tears streaming down your cheek “why wasn’t i strong enough? i’m pathetic.”

back then you knew the answer to his question and you still do now, your guilt was eating you alive not allowing you to think clearly

your arms fell slack by your sides and you fell to your knees, tears still streaming down your cheeks

“maybe i’m just a fool freed.” he sent a smile your way his eyes screamed pity, just a pitiful glare for a shameful idiot and you hated every second of it.

“i should have done more back then, anything would have been better than this outcome. i was too weak to stop it, i was just a love-sick fool who was blinded by that fact. after all this time did he even love me back? was i following him blindly just for him to not even love me back?” despite all the fond memories you made your doubts triumph over everything you knew and what he told you.

shame flooded your mind, you felt embarrassed to feel this way, to wallow in your own shame and regret. these feelings were all too familiar to you and you hated every last second of it, every pitiful millisecond was nothing short of hell to you, he was long gone and out of your life but yet your doubts in your relationship still followed you.

“please…make it stop.” you mumbled weakly as if your pleas would be heard while your tears flowed like a river.

“because i loved him. no matter how many people i had to hurt i wanted to see him happy again.”

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry stupid self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts

you don’t know but you picked yourself and decided to go to the guild hopefully some time around your friends would do you some good, and there it was again the pitty glances, you smiled throughout them all but there was only so much you could take.

you went to an empty table to clear your thoughts and felt a hand on your shoulder, you tensed up bracing for those words “how are you holding up?” lucy spoke to you as if you were fragile and you could break at any second, or that’s what it felt like to you anyway. you snatched your shoulder away from her grip and sent her a glare “im fine. why does everyone treat me like i’m some fragile thing?”

bet you wish you never asked sorry if i made you sad at least you know now where i'm at

you dropped your shoulders suddenly aware of how tense you were, you groaned and ran a hand down your face “shit. i’m sorry lucy i’m just…tired.”

“y/n im sorry i didn’t mean to-” you cut the celestial mage off “no it’s not your fault you were just trying to check on me.” you felt something run down your cheeks, we’re you crying? after all this time an ‘are you okay’ was what it took to get to you. you excused yourself and headed into the bathroom, it was pathetic you felt like a failure crying in a public restroom. you were nothing more than a waste of space who couldn’t have anything go your way.

“it’s all my fault. maybe if i was more firm?? who am i kidding maybe if i said something anything he still would have been here.” you think to yourself causing your tears so flow like a river down your face.

you looked in the mirror and saw the weakest person you ever saw, and it took everything in you not to smash that mirror.

“y/n?” evergreen said while knocking on the bathroom door “im coming in okay?” she walked into the bathroom and noticed the tears on your cheeks and she wordlessly wiped them away and sighed “what am i going do with you n/n? we’ve got to get you a better coping mechanism” she chuckled quietly at her own joke, she pulled down her dress so it was at least covering her legs and sat on the floor, she patted the spot next to her with a gentle smile inviting you to sit. you wordlessly sat next to her with your knees pulled up to your chest.

“i know this is hard on you right now, but you can’t keep pushing us away we’re here for you…freed told me how you have been feeling.” you sighed deeply “so you know everything?” she shook her head “i only know freed’s assumptions, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay but you can’t keep letting your emotions eat you alive it’s not healthy for you y/n.”

the two of you sat there in silence for a while, you broke the silence with a small sigh and began opening up to evergreen about how you’ve been feeling “i feel like it’s all my fault ever…i feel like i could have done more maybe if i said something this whole thing wouldn't have happened or maybe he wouldn’t have been kick out of the guild” you pull your knees closer to your chest as you speak “i loved him ever, and now i might not even see him again.”

evergreen rested her hand on yours with a soft smile, you looked at her and her eyes didn’t scream pitty nor did they feel as if they were looking down at you and it was comforting “you don’t have to be guilty for anything y/n, we all made the choice to follow his plan…and he’s quite the ambitious man you know that, no matter what he would have seen his plan through till the end.”

you returned the smile “yea you’re right” the smile didn’t reach your eyes and she knew that, she knew you needed time how much time was all up to you however.

i hate myself i look in the mirror and start to cry super self sabotage every time t.m.i i think i'm the worst criticize everything 'til it hurts if you knew me better, you would like me worse t.m.i

[waddingham]

not to just leave my fic brain worms out in the open like this for god and all to see but if anyone wants 900 words that are a direct result of whatever the fuck THIS is.........come and get it

He loves a team bus. Win or lose – or draw – it's an exceptional feeling, almost tangible, to be a part of something right alongside two dozen other people. There's no mistaking the sense of being so fully in the same boat with everyone else, feeling the same things and supporting each other in the reach for success, however it may come, whatever it may manifest as.

Today it was a light-hearted feeling – they'd won, spirits are high, Beard even higher and, well…

Somehow they got Rebecca today, blessing them all with her presence, her humor, her sweet voice. It had circled them in the back of the noisy bus and he couldn't help but nod along as he made an attempt on Sharon's advice, writing out his thoughts, his feelings, all the while marveling at the clarity of Rebecca's voice even as she slouched into the seat.

It was a long trip – for her especially, he thinks wryly, so it's no wonder at all that she's long asleep by the time they roll up to the dark club.

He does wonder a little at her choice of pillow. Has been ever since she slid back into the corner next to him, legs out long and head tipped onto his shoulder.

"Let's see how good a pillow you make, Coach," she'd muttered and by God, if he didn't make himself the best damn pillow this side of the Atlantic.

He hadn't moved chatting with Beard, or fiddling with his phone, or going over his notes again. And when the bus started to dim bit by bit, Beard passing out and Greyhounds falling asleep, he'd just tipped his head back, breathing in whatever lovely floral scent follows her around and letting all the safety and comfort around him relax his tired body.

He's safe here. He's content here, in these moments in the dark bus with his team, with Rebecca at his side, listening to the intermittent rain tap the roof. And he relishes each one, each moment, knowing the next may be bereft of this peace.

Beard snaps up as soon as the brakes hiss, looking dazed only for a moment as the boys start to nudge each other awake. He takes him in, then Rebecca, a grin spreading over his face.

"Should I wait up?" he asks as he stands, still in that ridiculous wig.

Ted shakes his head, waving him off as the bus starts to empty, then looks down at the blonde head on his shoulder.

Something like two hours ago, she'd wiggled against him, threading her arm under his, her hand flat against his forearm. He smiles down at it now, her fingertips resting on the heel of his hand. He curls his fingers, brushing them over the familiar soft pink color on her nails and his smile grows, his chest warm.

"Rebecca," he murmurs, squeezing her fingers more firmly. "Boss."

"Mm?" she grunts without moving and he almost chuckles.

"Home sweet home," he says, nudging her gently with his elbow. She sighs, squeezing his arm to her but still not moving to go.

"Unless you plan on spending the night in this bus," he says. "And let me tell you, if you're sore from your little swim earlier, sleeping on this probably ain't gonna do much for it."

She tilts her head on his shoulder just enough to shoot him a dirty look.

"Don't be a dick," she mutters. "It wasn't fucking marked as a bike lane."

"Mmhmm, 'course it wasn't," he says indulgently.

Her look gets dirtier.

He just chuckles, squeezing her fingers. "How'd I do as a pillow? I'm accepting feedback."

"Four stars," she says, lifting her head from his shoulder but not moving to rise.

"Four?" he says with an exaggerated frown.

"You lose a star for being too good," she says, rolling her head on her shoulders. "I didn't mean to sleep for so long."

"Oh," he chuckles. "Well, I'll take that."

She sighs again, taking in the fact that they're the last on the bus before turning to him, tipping her head against the seat. She gives him a small smile, almost clandestine, eyes full of the same contentment he's been filling his reserves with.

Her voice is hushed when she speaks. "Were you just gonna let us get locked in here or…?"

He snorts a little bit. "We got at least two more minutes before the boys sort out their bags and Ricky always checks before he gets the bus to the garage."

"Mmm," she hums, looking down at their hands for a long moment. Her fingers curl experimentally against the tender skin inside his wrist, sending tingles up his arm before carefully releasing him to sit up. "Thanks for letting me sleep on you."

"Oh, anytime," he says, meaning it entirely even as he rolls his stiff shoulder in its socket. He stands, lifting his backpack from the floor and over his shoulder before stepping around the tiny table, holding a hand out to her.

She smiles up at him as she slides her hand into his.

"You know what, Coach Lasso," she says as she rises, twinkling just a little bit. "I just might take you up on it."

He gasps dramatically.

"After all the fight you put up about joining us on the bus–"

She rolls her eyes, still grinning as she pulls him down the aisle, "Come on."

"Oh, but riding on the bus was gonna be such a long trip, such a nuisance–"

"Shut it."

"You can't tell me you had fun–"

He giggles when she pulls up short before the step down, releasing his hand to point a finger at him.

"I hate the bus."

He grins at her. "You're a terrible liar."

She huffs, but it does little to counteract her smile as she steps off the bus.

He lingers for a moment, his fingers still warm from being tangled up with hers. He closes his fist, trying to hold onto it as he follows her back down to solid ground.

[noxturnalmoth]

Scalpels and Paintbrushes || Chishiya Shuntarô x Reader

- read ‘til the end for notes -

When a freelance artist travels to Japan to rekindle her passion for art and her life, she finds herself in a whole other predicament. Dangerous games, dangerous people, a dangerous world with dangerous rules. She’s alone, fending for herself, until she meets a disoriented medical student that will bring her comfort but might bring more difficulties and heartbreak aswell.

Chapter 9: Fleeting moments

And with this Kuina came back and fake smiles were exchanged, I went to serve myself food and we talked, small talk, just like strangers would.

After that the rest of the day was a blur. I went to my room and cryied harder than I had in months. Of course he had to come back when I was finally fine without him. It's always what happens, old habits die hard and old demons are not easy to kill.

So to the bar it was.

The walk there was okay, I bumped into couples shoving their tongues in each other's throats and militants acting tough. But once arrived in the bar the noise was almost too much to handle. I had to get what I wanted to get and quick.

"Hey, do you have two bottles of...you know what I'm too tired to give a fuck. Give me two bottles of whatever you have that's the strongest."

"I'm on it babe!"

And as soon as I blinked two bottles of absinthe were shoved on the counter.

"Have fun!"

Yeah. I don't know about this one. And I wave to the bartender as I leave the overcrowded bar and make my way into the building. Asking around here and there for directions on how to get to the rooftop I pass by the clothing room to get a vest to cover myself since the swimsuit barely did so.

"Oh, what are you?"

I feel something hard in the pocket of the cardigan, an iPod with its earphones intact? It was matte black and seemed in good condition. And as I clicked on the buttons it lit up.

It had battery.

"Did your previous owner have taste little one?"

And with that I continued to make my way up, absinthe bottles shoved in the deep pockets of the cardigan and clinking as my thighs pushed me up the stairs. My hand was occupied in scrolling as I listened through the downloads with one earphone in.

And once I arrived on the rooftop I sat on the edge, finally finding a song peaceful enough to fit what I wanted.

"Not bad. I'd thank your owner if they were still here. Although I guess I am your owner now huh? Shit, what am I doing talking to myself. You've gone crazy Humpty Stumpty, that's it, Chishiya was the final blow to your poor ole mind."

Absinthe in hand, I put it between my thighs and unscrew the cap. The strong herbal scent of the liquor hitting me in the face, more and more when I bring the bottle to my lips.

"Well, here's to me and still being alive although I'm losing it. I hope you've got your drinks on too Hide, Yumeko. I miss you guys."

And with that I drank, swift and hefty swigs were taken from the bottle as the music in my ears calmed the ringing silence of loneliness and hid the atrocious noisiness of the partying downstairs.

It was crazy how the sky was beautiful since all industrial activity stopped, it was so clear, the air was so clean. But was it worth it if all we had left was hell on Earth?

"Doesn't it burn?"

"It does, but it doesn't mean it's bad."

"It isn't meant to be drank this way you know?"

"I know, it doesn't mean I can't. There's nothing we can't do around here, I don't know if it's such a good thing as everyone makes it to be though."

I give him the bottle. Him, the man in white, the familiar stranger, the old demon I welcome back in my nights. And he drinks. And no other words are uttered as we watch the world in silence.

First Month:

Days passed and Kuina was a great girl, but being around her meant being around Chishiya. But I stayed, I stayed because I didn't want her to be hurt. She could fend for herself but I guess I just couldn't leave her to be alone with him, just in case.

Niragi was still annoying, comming ever so often to hit on me and annoy Shuntarô as I learnt he loves to do.

"So baby, what are you doing tonight? Going for a game?"

"Yes."

"I've been nice to you, c'mon give me something. A sentence that is more than a word, I don't know!"

"You've been hitting on me. I don't want you. You're violent and bat shit insane, that ain't what I want to link myself with."

He rolls his eyes and his fingers twitch around his rifle as he approaches me, and I face him head on.

"You're as violent as I am."

"Not by choice."

"But you could be, let yourself go!"

"Why would I want to, then I'd be nothing more than an animal."

"Did-"

"Did I say you were a wild feral beast? Yeah. You say that shit is human nature but don't you mean you stooped as low as becoming an unruly raging animal? Human nature is being intelligent enough to keep our instincts and unchecked desires out of society. By either taking control of them in a safe environment or erasing them."

And with that I go to the car where the rest of the people going to the same game as me are while he yells after me, finally reaching his boiling point. Once I arrived there, there is only one other person in the car. Shuntarô Chishiya.

"And thus Frankenstein's beast and her master are once again together."

Saying nothing I enter the driver's seat and start the engine, speeding towards our next game, a school

Once arrived there everything looked overrun by nature. It was growing much faster now that human intervention had ceased. And I slowly walked through thepath, admiring the great location and trying to put some distance between Chishiya and I.

Once arrived, we both take the phones given, validating our inscription to the game. Then a chime made itself known.

"Welcome Participents. Game: Eight of Clubs, Aka Manto. The players will all get to the toilets and enclose themselves in a cubicle, there they will have 5 minutes to make a choice. Once the choice has been made, people having chosen the same answer will be put into pairs within the same group. The pairs will be given a list of objects. The objective will be for these pairs to find these objects as fast as possible and stop Aka Manto's chase. The ones that cannot do so and are not already dead will suffer the consequences. You will have one hour."

"So they sai-"

"I understood Chishiya."

His eyebrows lift and I roll my eyes.

Aka Manto, we'd most likely be given the choice between red and blue toilet paper once in the cubicle, each color meaning a different death. Blue meaning suffocation until we become blue and red being stabbed until we are covered in our own blood. So once I entered mine I immediately picked red. Dying suffocating has got to be one of the worst things I could think of, and I'd rather be able to go against a stabbing maniac and have a chance of stealing their weapon.

"Teams are chosen. Red team go to the east wing, Blue team to the west wing. You have 10 minutes until start of the game."

"You've chosen red too?"

"I prefer reserving choking for the bedroom."

"Niragi would be elated."

I glare at him.

"Listen, I know you wanna piss me off but we really need to think of what to give to who and not be stupid in our decisions."

"We should team up."

"What did I say about NOT being stupid about our decisions?"

"We're both very intelligent. We'd get out quickly and easily. If you see people you want to help, go and help them, but together we'd have the most chances."

And with that I sigh. He was right, as much as I hated to admit it. So we paired up. Seeing our list I groaned out loud. We needed to find a daruma, two traditional japanese dolls, red thread, chalk, candles, salt and matches.

A purifying ritual.

"I fucking hate this already."

"You hate a lot of stuff."

"No shit Sherlock. Let's start already, chalk would be easy enough, in a class. Red thread and dolls...a sewing club?"

"Mh. Candles would maybe be in the teachers' lounge, or maybe if there's a drama club. And salt in the mess hall or kitchen."

"Matches and a daruma doll..some sort of janitor's closet?"

"Yeah it could fit. Where do they say the ritual has to be done?"

"Basement of course."

He hums and we get to work first would be the teachers' lounge, I lead the way since I was stronger physically. And we rounded corners after corners, hearing our panicked fellow red team pairs scambling about, until we attained the lounge and separated to check every cabinet present.

"Got them!"

I nodded back and we started to get going to our next location, the janitor's closet on the first floor where we could also get to both the mess hall and the kitchen. But all of a sudden the door opened and a tall figure in red holding a butcher knife entered and we were lucky enough to duck in time.

I signal Chishiya to not move as I look slightly over the table, they wore a mask that most likely impaired their vision but two people leaving would be impossible as it'd cause too much noise. So I duck back down and nod my head at the white haired male to continue to his left and get to the door, probably thinking I'd follow him he did.

"Hey asshole try and get a piece of that!"

And as I uttered those words Chishiya looked at me, almost too fast, and I motionned for him to run. I'd distract the Aka Manto, and he'd get what we need from downstairs. He begrudgingly followed my plan and I started running to the opposite side, if I couldn't outrun him, I'd outsmart him. And if I could do neither, I'd keep him at bay.

I turned corners, climbed stairs up and down yelled in the corridors so that other teams would know to run, but the damned bastard wouldn't leave me alone. So I hatched a plan, I'd go downstairs as planned but I'd kill the fucker. He'd die anyways if he lost the game, so how about I make it easier for him? And so with newfound vigor I sprint to the stairs, making it down the last flight and into the last corridor before the mess hall.

"(y/n)!"

"Chishiya run, now!"

He scrambled in the kitchen from where he was in the mess hall and I heard a loud bang of the doors opening and loud and fast thumps, Aka Manto was here.

"C'mere big guy! You want a fight? I'll give you one!"

I run to him and slide to my knees, kicking his legs from under him and he falls to the ground, groaning. As I roll back he catches my right leg and nicks it pretty bad with his meat cleaver, and as he was about to bring it down to strike again I kicked it our of his hands and quickly got to my feet. Not getting greedy in hitting the opponent I take the cleaver.

"Now we're talking."

Doors opened and two other teams came in, the Aka Manto, feeling disadvantaged tried to go to them first but I put myself in front muttering a "no you don't". The other pairs knew to run away from here fast as I held the cleaver up in front of me.

I'm gonna shish kabob that motherfucker.

He attacks first and he is fast and much heavier than me, I evade once, then twice but the third time he changes up his tactic and kicks my diaphragm. As I am proulsed backwards, my lungs cough up all the air I held. My hand still gripped the knife and it seemed to iritate the guy, he became more agressive, beating my face in thinking he could beat me to unconsciousness then kill me and get on with his day.

So I act as if I was going to punch him with my left hand and he diverts his attention enough for me to lift my arm and bring the cleaver down with enough force that I sliced through his clavicle.

The rest was fairly easy. I turned us around, using the momentum he had as he fell to his right. Once on top of him, I hit his neck enough times to behead the guy. Rolling on my back next to him, in a puddle of blood mind you, I take back my breath. The edges of my vision were black from the beating and I was losing blood but I'd be fine enough for another thirty minutes or so.

So I stood up and with staggered steps made my way to where Chishiya would be by now.

"You were fast, you got to the basement before I did you ass."

"And you look like you've gone to hell and back."

"I'm fine, you should see the other guy. D'you need help with anything?"

"Nah, go rest."

"Fuck off, do we do it in a circle or...?"

"Yeah, and wr-"

"wrap the red thread around and between the dolls tying them together. The salt is for purification purposes, red thread means fate, dolls are the world of the living and the Aka Manto, the candles are ritualistic in nature, the chalk is the border."

"Wow, you know your stuff. Did you read the thing?"

"How could I, I was flirting with death. Nah it's pretty basic spiritual knowledge and connecting the dots by this point."

And so we lit the red thread and our phones chimed, we were free.

"Good job."

"Yeah, you too."

And times and times again Chishiya would be in the same game team as I. So much so that I thought he did it on purpose. It would be totally counterproductive though, why spend months avoiding me to start and be close again? There was no way he'd apologise and reveal what he was hiding.

It didn't take a genius to see that his confession was made of half truths. There was something he didn't tell me, and maybe it was the reason he hovered around me, even in spade missions in which he'd be at a disadvantage.

But who was I to force anything out of him?

So I let it go.

"What are you thinking about? And don't say 'nothing' again or I swear I'll throw you out of the window."

"Just, getting lost in thoughts about the past."

"Yeah I know what your mean, but you do it a lot more when you come back from games with Chi- nOOOOO WAY."

"No Kuina, it's not love."

"Bu-"

"No, I know how he is. I don't want none of that with him anymore."

"What do you mean anymore? Did you have a crush on him? Were you together and you didn't tell me?"

"No to both."

"Were you not truly strangers when I introduced you two?"

"Touché."

"Wow I smell drama. Don't worry, I won't ask if you're worrying about that, but I did feel the tension between you guys. I just thought it was sexual!"

"Wha-"

Second month:

I got used to him lurking around, like some sort of weird guardian angel. Still annoyed me though.

"You know that I know you're here."

"I know that you know that I know."

"Stop being a smartass."

He chuckles and sits besides me. Evenings with him became, against my will, a routine. I'd go drink on the rooftop, occasionally with a cigarette or two, music in my ears and him in my shadow. It'd be silent for most part, my fight having mellowed out; he could fight back and he was Chishiya anyways, he's so stubborn I had become tired of fighting behind Kuina's back unless he truly got on my nerves.

"What are you listening to?"

"What? Why'd you want to know?"

"I'm bored."

"Tell me something new."

I give him the earbud I do not use and that is how the last of our conversation fizzles away as the playlist rolls through and the bottle of booze goes from me to him, from him to me, until no more amber liquid is left.

"It reminds me of our first night drinking together, back at the mall."

I hum.

"Didn't think you'd remember Shuntarô."

"Didn't think you'd want to talk about it."

"My fight is gone, I'm tired emotionally and physically, I don't care anymore Chishiya. I can't spend the rest of my days hating you this much. But I'll never forgive you that's for sure."

"I'm sorry."

"Try when you're not drunk, your eyes are droopy and you're swaying.... but thanks anyways."

"So you don't hate me?"

"I just heavily dislike you. Go sober up Chishiya."

He mumbles and leaves, and I smile, taking a whiff of the cool midnight air. He's always softer when he's drunk.

Third Month:

"Do you do this on purpose?"

"Do what?"

He says chewing on his snack, looking at the road ahead decors flying by as I drive the both of us to yet another game.

"Stick to me like a chewing gum to my soles on a summer day?"

"Maybe."

"You're gonna need to give me a bit more than that Shuntarô."

"You're less boring than the others people around here, it ain't my fault."

"You almost sound like you actually want to be with me."

"Ew, don't credit yourself this much it's disgusting."

"Riiiight, keep following me then. Creep."

Senso-ji Temple was our stop of the evening. Our game first seemed easy enough, Hide and seek, but in a gigantic space, seekers would be human, have human reflexes an thought processes.

I was very wrong.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU GIANT SPIDER FUCK."

Giant robotic spiders.

GIANT ROBOTIC SPIDERS WERE THE SEEKERS.

They had night vision and were unable to get tired, the whole group got killed within minutes.

"CHISHIYA YOU ASS I'M HELPING WITH YOUR PLAN AT LEAST HELP ME BACK."

The objective was to find the 'nest' and destroy it because of course they'd have a nest.

"Okay I see where it is, distract it some more."

"I've been doing it since THE PAST TEN MINUTES YOU DUMBASS"

He chuckles and cuts the signal of his walkie talkie. "It's me and you now you disgusting eight legged freak....please help me God" My thoughts keep bouncing back and forth from confident to scared shitless as this immense metal arachnid closes the distance between us.

I had to think fast.

The giant gongs. I was dying, my breath getting shorter but I had to go faster, get the spider so lazer focused she'd hit the gong. And so that's what I did. Sprinting even faster I was thinking of how I'd kill Chishiya if I ever died because of a giant spider robot, and how I'd make it as painful as possible. My legs pushed by faster and faster, and faster until I slid under the gong and the spider hit it so hard the noise resonated through Tokyo. It was down for maybe a few seconds, letting me catch my breath on the ground, but quickly got back up and when I thought it was the end I saw a huge source of light coming from behind the temple. The spider exploded, some shrapnel cutting me, but the motherfucker had saved be just in time.

"Game clear. Congratulations."

And with a heavy sigh I fall to the ground, something coming to poke my side with its foot.

"Next time, you run." I pant.

And he helps me up, chuckling and muttering a "in your dreams", giving me a pat on the back.

Fourth month:

That night I didn't go outside, my body was aching and I was simply too tired to care, choosing to go listen to music on my bed instead. The game didn't go well, it was a game of heart and it required of me to lie to get people to kill each other. There was a bunch of kids there.

I just killed a bunch of kids.

It raised the bile to my throat. You do what you need to do to survive, but that shit. Killing people that haven't done shit to you? It always feels the worst. It's the type of blood that can't be erased no matter how much you wash and scratch your skin so your own blood hides the one of the innocents.

"There's blood on your bedsheets."

"I know. Don't worry it's mine." I sniff, fat tears rolling down my face out from my closed eyes.

I hear a sharp inhale and scrambling around until a wet cloth is dabbed around my mouth, if you cant scratch yourself with your other hand your body has other tools.

"You can't keep hurting yourself. You drink, you smoke, you do shit like that, you're deflecting your pains. Using addictions and new pains to make you forget the old ones."

"Wow I love to get psychoanalyzed by my ex." Another sharp intake of breath and a pregnant pause.

Until he scrambles again, washing my arms with antiseptic, I tried to not budge but the pain was intense and I was feeling antsy due to slowly loosing blood.

"Do you want to kill yourself (y/n)? 'Cause you're on the right path to do so."

"Sometimes I do yeah. But I'm not worthy yet, so I keep on going."

My arm finally wrapped up, I curl up on my side.

"You're worthy of more than you think."

"You're just saying that."

"You know I always mean what I say, or at least half of it."

"Way to make me feel better."

I feel the bed dip and a hand going through my hair. It had gotten longer in the time I was at The Beach, around Chishiya's length.

"I should cut it."

"No, let me take care of it."

"...okay."

And so he did. Next day he brushed the nest that was my hair, which I frankly wanted to just shave because of how unnecessary it was. I didn't care much for my looks anymore.

But when Chishiya brushed my hair and washed it, it reminded me of that day, months and months ago. A day that I wanted to forget like I wanted to forget him back then. But, one of my reasons for being how I am now.

He was so gentle with me today, as if I were glass. In the mirror I saw nothing but a broken woman and looked at myself with disdain. But he looked, hopeful somehow. And as I looked at his face I sighed.

"Your hair looks like shit. Sit." And he did.

"Your hair looks like tarmac with a piss poor covering of snow on it."

And with that and the slight sound of the iPod, I opened the bleaching kit I found under his sink. Preparing the mixture and gently putting it on Chishiya's hair. The fumes were horendous but his hair was finally back to platinum, so I washed his hair and dried it as gently as I could while I watched his shoulder and face relax from the mirror.

"I missed this." He said as he opened his eyes and looked up at me, a small smile on his lips. I scowl.

"Shut up, I just don't want to be indebted to you."

But all I did was hide the fact that,

I missed this too.

Fifth month:

"JESUS CHISHIYA GET YOUR LEGS TO RUN FASTER."

Another hospital games. Those were fun right? Yeah no, they weren't ever fun. This time it was a club game, once again.

But we had to run, and fast.

We had to find creepy dolls all around the hospital to smash em and get a piece of a code which we all communicated to each other via walkie talkie.

Turns out that when we smash a doll, we get ten minutes in which our position is revealed to the killer, and he was efficient. Probably a merc, but definitely someone that we needed to outsmart since we couldn't out run him. So we brought him to the maze that is the OR floor. Just a bunch of doors leading from one room to the other, to the corridor, to yet another room.

How wrong we were to bring him here.

"I think we lost him." I pant.

"Yeah, good job. Stay here, I saw a doll in the observing room."

"Sure."

I lean on the counter and as I take a breather. The lights turn off.

"Shuntarô, this is too familiar. Shun?"

"The door is locked, fuck. We're trapped."

"Shit, it's starting to smell weird in here."

"DONT INHALE IT- (y/n)? (Y/N)?!"

And as I feel my consciousness slipping, I feel a stinging in my stomach area.

. . . . ..n)

. .

. .../n)

. .

(y/n)

.

(y/n) please wake up, please.

I feel my body being rocked back and forth as my numbed senses come back to me.

"Chi-"

"Please, don't die on me, not yet. You can't, you need to stay alive."

"Chishiya what the fuck?"

He stops his mumbling, now that my eyes were less hazy I could see it. Streams of tears were running down his cheeks, I was back in my room, on my bed, in Chishiya's arms. And it all came back to me, the hospital, it was like back then, when I lost my arm. So I do what I can and take him in my arm as he collapses of exhaustion.

I set him on my bed and lay next to him. It was the second time it happened, we really shouldn't get separated in hospitals. And as sleeps overtakes me, he holds me.

And that's the last time I see him before he ignores me again.

<Prev /Next>

M.list

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Whew, that man is a rollercoster. Loves me, loves me not. They are dancing around each other and soon enough we'll have some action. Next chapter is the start of canon stuff related to the series so I hope you guys are ready, because I sure am! Also, I hope you like my amputee jokes for mc from last chapter, there will be some more when I feel the context is good enough. Merry Christmas y'all!

[lemoncrushh]

Cubicle // 18) Love in Store

STORY PAGE

Word Count: 3992

Wednesday // Roni

"So tell me more about this Caleb," said Alice as she joined me at the table in the break room.

The day before, Harry and I had taken Alice to lunch, inviting her to join us on Friday for drinks at Tom's Pub and to meet Caleb. After her face had flushed a deep pink, and she received encouraging words from Harry and me, she'd agreed to go.

"I don't really know anything more," I shrugged. "He's a friend of Harry's and I only met him once. But he seems like a proper lad."

"And Harry thinks he'll like me?"

"I think what?" I heard a familiar voice behind me ask. I turned to catch a glimpse of his dimpled smiled before he headed to the cabinet to grab a cup.

"That Caleb with like Alice," I grinned.

"Yes," Harry nodded. "I do."

"Does he drive?" asked Alice.

"What?" Harry chuckled as he joined us at the table. "Does he drive?"

Alice pursed her lips. "The last guy I went out with didn't have a car. I was always driving him around or we'd have to walk. That got old real fast."

Harry raised his brows as he lifted his cup to his mouth. "I assure you he has a car."

"Good," Alice sat back in her chair.

"Where were you?" I asked Harry. "Usually you're in here before I am."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Nina. Everything I worked on Monday and Tuesday hadn't met her expectations, so she's having me do the reports over."

"What? Are you kidding?"

Harry shook his head, swallowing. "'fraid not."

"Somebody needs to put a sedative in her tea," I sighed.

Alice giggled.

"I'm serious," I eyed her. "This is the second time she's told him he's done his reports wrong."

"Not the second time, babe," remarked Harry. "It's been this way since I started here."

I glared at him. "What is her problem?"

"Same as Gerard's," piped Alice. "They think they're better than everyone."

"Well, I get that she's Donald's secretary, but it doesn't give her the right to treat you like that."

"It's okay, love," Harry patted my hand on the table. "It's not worth getting angry about. But unfortunately, it means I'm gonna have to work through lunch."

I crossed my arms and pouted. Stupid Nina.

"You guys know Nina used to be a salesperson, right?"

Harry and I both looked up at Alice's announcement. "What?"

"Ah, right then," Alice sat up straight. "When I first started working here, the sales team was made up of five people: Gerard, Nina, Charlie, who's been here forever, a girl named Kate, and a bloke named Storm."

"Storm?" Harry and I echoed at the same time. I laughed and he grabbed my knee under the table.

"Yeah," Alice continued. "So I was told Kate got another job offer and that's why she left, but Felicia said it was because she was tired of Gerard coming on to her."

"Oh that bloody figures," I muttered.

"Yeah, makes sense," Alice agreed. "But what I didn't know was there was an undercover office romance. Nina and Storm."

"Oh really," Harry quirked a brow.

"They were hot and heavy apparently, although they were keeping it under wraps. Until the office Christmas party." Alice tapped her fingers against her cup, keeping an eye on the door in case someone was to walk in. "Gerard let it slip that they were dating. I don't know all the details, but I think it was found out that they would sneak off together when they were supposed to be on sales calls. Storm was fired."

"Wow," I breathed. "Why not Nina?"

"Nina...was basically begging not to be let go. She was the top salesperson, Gerard coming in a close second. She'd made a lot of money for the company. So I guess it was agreed she wouldn't be fired, just moved to another position."

"So she's bitter," scowled Harry.

"Pretty much," Alice nodded.

"And so is Holcomb," Harry added. "Because he can't seem to get any."

"Harry!" I nudged his arm.

"What? It's true."

"Gerard Holcomb is a scumbag and a womanizer," stated Alice.

I nodded.

"So wait..." Harry considered, "Travis told me about there being a lawsuit. Something about a boss and his secretary."

Alice shrugged. "I dunno anything about that. Might've been before I came along. But nothing would surprise me."

I looked at Harry. "I guess we should be careful then," I said softly.

"Yeah," he squeezed my hand. "But we're not doing anything wrong as far as I know."

I bit my lip and nodded, though I couldn't help but feel a tinge of worry that remained with me the rest of the day.

Harry

I glanced at the time on the corner of my computer screen. 4:46 PM. Fuck. There was no way I was going to be finished with the reports for Nina by five. As I continued to type, I suddenly felt a presence behind me. Speak of the devil.

"How are we doing there, Harry?" she asked me.

I rolled my eyes, thankful she couldn't see my face. "We are doing fine," I spat. "Just a few more things to get through."

"Good," said Nina. "Think you can have them on my desk by morning?"

I spun around in my chair. "You mean you want me to stay late?"

"Would you?" she pleaded. "Donald really needs them by nine, and I'll need time to look over them first."

Of course. Anything for Donald. Even though you're his assistant, not me.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "No worries."

"Thank you, doll," she gave me two thumbs up before dancing out of my cubicle.

I rolled my eyes again and gave a groan as I turned my attention back to my computer. No doubt she was trying to butter me up. It was the first time she'd ever called me doll. Her own job must've been on the line, and after hearing about the past situation, I couldn't really blame her for being worried. Still, I wondered why the hell she couldn't just do the reports herself if she wanted them a certain way.

Ten minutes later, I heard my adjacent co-workers getting up from their desks to leave for the day. Travis gave me a half-assed salute to which I shot him the middle finger. He chuckled and patted my back, walking away with a smirk on his face.

I'd situated myself comfortably in my chair (as comfortable as one can get in an office chair) and was engrossed in my final report when I heard a rapping on my cubicle wall. Expecting to see Nina again, my eyes widened when I turned and saw Roni, her sweet smile making me melt.

"Such a busy man today," she commented, tilting her head and jutting out her bottom lip. Fuck me.

"Yeah," I blinked. "Sorry. Trying to rewrite two days' worth of reports in one."

"You have to stay?" she asked, stepping closer to me and laying her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it gently.

"Yep," I sighed.

"How long, do you reckon?"

"At least another hour, maybe two."

"Ugh," Roni made a face. "I guess that's not too bad. Will you text me when you're on your way home?"

I beamed up at her. "You bet."

"'kay," she grinned. Then she leant down and gave me a peck on the lips. "Love you."

I grabbed her hand, keeping her from walking away and making her giggle. "I love you, too," I said.

She squeezed my hand before letting go. After watching her leave, I turned back to my computer, cracked my knuckles and got back to work.

Almost an hour later, I'd put a good dent in the report, but I knew I wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. Stretching, I got up to grab something to drink in the break room. The office was nearly completely silent except for the light sounds of typing from other employees that'd had to stay late like me. Taking a Coke from the machine, I returned to my desk and popped open the can.

"Hi, gorgeous, are you hungry?" I heard behind me as I took a sip.

"What's this?" I smiled as Roni set a bag on my desk.

"Thought you might be here a while, so I brought you something to eat."

"Baby..." I watched her take the contents out of the bag. "You didn't have to do that."

She shrugged. "I know. I wanted to."

I slid my hand up her bum to her waist. "You're fucking amazing."

She chuckled, setting a massive salad and a bowl of soup in front of me. After handing me a fork and spoon, she walked to the cubicle next to mine and grabbed the chair, pulling it up beside me.

"You wouldn't rather eat this in the break room?" I asked her.

"Nah, this is cozy," she grinned. Then she held up a finger. "I do need to get something to drink though. Do you need anything?"

I shook my head. "No, love."

"Be right back," she winked.

I dove into my salad, suddenly realizing just how hungry I was. When Roni rejoined me and sat down, I covered her thigh with my hand, leaning in for a kiss.

"Thank you," I murmured against her lips.

"You're welcome," she whispered, her long lashes fluttering.

"Styles, what are you still doing here?"

The sound of his voice made Roni and me both jump, and I turned to see Gerard Holcomb standing in the hallway next to my cubicle. He had a smug look on his face that I was ready to wipe off if he came one step closer.

"I had some work to finish up," I replied.

"Doesn't look like you're working," he remarked, his eyes shifting between me and Roni. It was all I could do to keep settled in my seat and not blow a fuse.

"Taking a break," I muttered.

"Yeah, sure," he scoffed.

"I brought him dinner," Roni piped up.

Though the food on my desk should confirmed her statement, Holcomb continue to roll his eyes. "Is that what it's called?"

"Listen-" I started to get up my Roni grabbed me by the arm.

"Harry," she said softly yet firmly. Then she turned to Holcomb. "Gerard, last time I checked you weren't Harry's supervisor. In fact, you're not even in the same department. So I suggest you go back to your desk and do whatever it was you were doing, and leave us alone."

Holcomb sneered, ran a hand through his hair and straightened his tie. "No need. I was just headed out to dinner myself."

"Right," I said with a curt nod.

"Good evening," he raised his brows and continued to stroll down the hall.

"Fucking wanker!" I shouted. Roni eyed me. "I hate him!"

"I know," she agreed, turning around to grab a forkful of salad. "I'm pretty sure he watches porn at his desk."

"What?" I chuckled.

"Okay, I'm not positive," she said, licking her lips, "but this afternoon when Alice and I got back from lunch, I had to bring him something and he was eating at his desk with his earbuds in his phone. He nearly dropped it when I walked up and I could've sworn I caught a glimpse of some fucking."

"Oh Jesus," I shook my head with a laugh. "Did he have a boner?"

"Eww," she twisted her mouth. "I didn't look at his crotch, Harry!"

I laughed harder. "Sorry."

Roni and I had a lovely dinner together, but when it was over, it was back to the computer for me. Roni rose from her chair, pushing it back to the desk where it belonged. Then she put all of the trash in the bag, ready to take it to the large bin in the break room.

"I'm gonna stop by my cubicle for a bit also," she explained, "so that I can get started on something Greta has me working on tomorrow."

"Baby, you don't have to stay," I told her.

"It'll just take me a minute," she shrugged. "Then I can check and see if Gerard actually left or not."

With a kiss on my forehead, she turned down the hall, and I got back to work. I must've been so deep in thought when Roni returned, I didn't know she was standing behind me until her hands touched my shoulders and I jumped.

"Fuck, you scared me," I breathed.

"Sorry, didn't mean to," she said just above a whisper. "Guess what?"

"What?"

Roni leaned closer to my ear. "We're the only ones here."

"Really?"

"Yep," she strolled around me to prop herself against my desk. "I just walked around the whole office. It's empty."

"Right," I mouthed, though I was really just focusing on my report. "I'm just about done."

"Good. I'll wait."

I looked up at her then. "Seriously, Roni, you don't have to. I still have to print these out and put them on Nina's desk. I could be another thirty minutes at least."

"You don't want me to stay?" she inquired with a sexy pout.

"No, it's not that," I replied, still typing. "You just don't have to. For me."

"You're really cute when you get that crinkle above your nose from concentrating."

I side-eyed her with a smirk.

"Okay, I'm distracting you. I'm sorry," she sighed, sliding her bum off my desk. When she started to pass me, I grabbed her around the waist with my arm.

"Hey. Don't go."

She blinked, her beautiful eyes doing their magic.

"Stay."

She gave me a gentle smile as she pulled away from my arm. "Maybe I should wait in the break room until you're done."

"Ten minutes. Okay? Give me ten minutes."

She nodded, lifting my hand to her lips and kissing it. After she'd gone, I was able to finish my final thought for the last report. Then I hit the print button, stood up and stretched, then made my way to the large printer.

Once I'd gathered all the papers and put them on Nina's desk, I returned to my own, realising that Roni hadn't returned. I walked to the break room, but finding it empty as well, I pulled out my phone to text her.

Where are you?

Toilet. Are you finished?

Yes

Okay, I need to grab something from my desk. Meet me there?

Okay

Just as I rounded the corner, Roni was emerging from the ladies room. I stopped in my tracks when I noticed she was wearing the same tank top and joggers she had been wearing that afternoon I'd showed up at her flat. And like that day, her hair was up in a loose bun and her face was fresh and clean.

"Just thought I'd go ahead and get comfortable," she smiled.

"Well, alright then," I nodded. I knew I had a goofy grin on my face, but I didn't care.

"Let me get my bag," she said.

As I waited outside of her cubicle, it didn't dawn on me that she was carrying a large tote bag on her shoulder. And it still didn't dawn on me as we walked hand in hand outside. I guess sometimes I'm a stupid git, and I don't catch on as quickly as I should. But I most definitely noticed when we reached the parking lot that her car was not in it.

"Where's your car?" I stared out into the empty spaces.

"Specifically...it's parked next to my flat," Roni replied.

I turned to her, incredulous.

With a sly grin, she shrugged. "Took a taxi back here. Didn't reckon I'd need it."

As I continued to stare at her, the pieces slowly coming together, she tugged on the large bag on her shoulder, clearly weighted by its contents.

"So are you gonna take me home, love, or aren't you?"

I separated the space between us in a split second, taking her in my arms and kissing her. My forehead against hers, her breath mixed with mine, I suddenly felt a chill.

"Roni...baby, I...I thought...you said..."

"I know what I said," she confirmed. "But maybe...maybe we can make an exception. An amendment to the rule?"

I swallowed hard.

"Because...I don't know if I can stand to be without you for five days," she continued, her voice nearly raspy. "It's...it's just too long."

"I agree," I nodded before kissing her again. Then I walked her to my car, throwing her bag in the back seat.

"I even brought a change of clothes," said Roni when I got in the front next to her.

"I see that," I grinned.

She gave me cutest little giggle then, like a young girl filled with glee. And I was thrilled to be the cause of it.

Roni

With a loud yawn, I stretched my legs across Harry's lap, laying my head back on the armrest of the sofa. He winked at me as he grabbed my feet, softly massaging them.

"You realise that's one of my major erogenous zones," I stated with a sigh.

"Is it now?" he raised his brows with a cocky smirk.

He continued to press on the arch of my foot with his thumbs, slowly moving outward. Then with his thumb and forefinger, he gently pinched my heel, gliding up my ankle, adding just the tiniest bit of pressure. I threw my head back, covering my eyes with my arm.

"Oh my God, that feels good," I cried.

Harry chuckled. "I had no idea you had a foot thing."

"I don't," I swallowed. "I have a massage thing."

"Just feet though?" he asked, his voice suddenly lower somehow.

"No. Anywhere."

"Hmm," Harry sounded. "I like learning new things about you."

My eyes still closed, I could feel him pushing the joggers up my legs to my knees. Then I felt the sofa cushions shift and he began to rub his hands up and down my calves. The sensation was both erotic and relaxing as I found myself breathing in and out deeply. His hands stopping just under my knees, he whispered my name.

"Yes?" I managed to find my voice.

"If you want more, baby, we'll have to move to the bed."

Lowering my arm, I looked at him. He was situated between my legs, his arms wound around my knees, his eyelids heavy.

"That's probably a good idea," I agreed.

Biting his lip, Harry rose from the couch, taking my hand. I followed him as he turned out the lights, leaving on only the lamp next to his bed.

"Is it okay if I get undressed now?" I asked him.

"Are you kidding?"

"Well...I mean..." I nervously gestured between us, "I didn't know if you were wanting to do it for me or..."

"Oh!" Harry exclaimed. "Um...that'd be great too."

I giggled. "Here," I began to pull my shirt over my head. "I'll just go ahead. It'll make things easier."

Harry smiled as he watched me get undressed. When I was down to my lace thong, he bit his lip again, furrowing his brows. Then he grabbed me by the waist, pulling me flush against him.

"You're so fucking sexy," he growled in my ear.

Slipping his fingers through the back of my thong, he pushed it down, his palms cupping my bum. Licking my lips, I grabbed hold of his shoulders and stepped out of the tiny lacy garment. My fingers making their way to the curls on the nape of his neck, I kissed him passionately.

"Lie down, baby," he instructed.

With a nod, I climbed onto the bed, lying back on the pillow. I watched as Harry got undressed, his semi-erection already prominent. Then he resumed his position between my legs, just as he'd been on the sofa.

"Now where was I?" he mused out loud.

"My knees," I replied.

"Ah, yes."

Turning his head, Harry left a light kiss on the inside of my left knee, then repeated the gesture on my right. In tiny slithering movements, Harry continued up my thighs, leaving kisses on either side until he finally stopped.

"Hmm, I suppose that's not really a massage, is it?" he remarked in a sly tone as his ran his hands up the outsides of my legs.

"Mmm, Harry..." I squirmed under his touch.

Sitting up on his knees, he continued to rub my thighs, adding pressure as he moved up and down. It tickled a little, but mostly it was driving me insane. Especially when his fingers got really close to the spot I wanted him the most. I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter by the minute.

"I'm not a very good masseuse," he declared with a pout.

"Coulda fooled me," I moaned, shutting my eyes again and spreading my arms out to my sides.

A low chuckle rose from his throat. "Feels good, yeah?"

"Incredible."

When his hands met my waist, I felt him kiss the skin just below my belly button.

"Heyyy," I groaned. "You missed a spot."

"No, I didn't." I could feel his mouth grinning against me.

"Yes. Yes, you did."

"Where?"

"You know where, cheeky boy."

Harry laughed, tickling me fully this time and I giggled. "Maybe I was saving that spot for last," he said.

"Oh. That makes sense."

Harry continued to massage and caress me, nearly making me come undone when he began to suck on my nipples.

"I...most certainly know...this is not...part of a massage," I breathed. "Holy shit."

Arching my back, I finally released my arms from their T position so that I could run my fingers through his hair.

"Jesus, Harry..." I begged. "Please. I'm so wet."

"Are you?" he asked, raising his head to look at me.

"Yes. Please."

I squirmed again under his weight, my body ready for him. Lifting himself to hover over me, he leant down to kiss me, his tongue meeting mine with hunger. I gasped for air when we separated, just a fraction of a second before his hard cock filled me. I cried out at the sweet sting, immediately wanting more.

We made love slowly at first. I could feel every bit of him. Each time he'd pull back, I could feel my body tremble until he pushed back in again, hitting me as deeply as possible. We watched each other the entire time, our gazes never faltering.

Finally, he began pick up speed. I could no longer keep my eyes fixed on his as the sensation became too much to bear. I moaned his name, begging him to go faster. He obliged, fucking me harder, hitting the spot that made me cry out.

"Oh! Oh God, yes! Yes! Oh!"

Harry came close behind, his body shuttering above me until he unraveled. Panting softly, his breath tickling my face, he left a trail of kisses down my nose to my lips.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too."

Harry laid his head on my chest, and I played with his curls until I needed a toilet break. When I returned, Harry went as I cuddled under the sheets. With an endearing smile on his face, Harry waltzed back into the room, plopping his long frame beside me on the bed.

"We should probably get some sleep," I whispered when he pulled me close to him once more.

"Yeah," he agreed, reaching over for his phone on the night stand.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he tapped on the screen.

"Setting the alarm." Then with the same grin still plastered on his face, he set the phone down and rolled over on top of me.

"I'm so glad you decided to stay over on a weeknight," he said.

"I'm glad you finally got the hint," I teased.

"Took me a minute. You're very clever."

"And lucky," I added.

MASTERLIST | KO-FI | FEEDBACK

[ruvviks]

– WHAT DOES YOUR HEART LOOK LIKE?

TAGGED BY: @katsigian & @devilbrakers, thank you so much!! TAGGING: @aartyom, @reaperkiller, @faarkas, @swordcoasts, @twinwitchbolt, @adelaidedrubman, @strafethesesinners, @henbased, @shellibisshe, @dickytwister, @ncytiri, @cultistbase, @reapersynth and YOU! – quiz

– A GUIDING, GOLDEN LIGHT.

just because you cannot see your own heart doesn’t mean that others can’t. your heart is blinding, captivating, a fire so bright that others can’t bring themselves to look away. it illuminates the path they follow and cements you as a guiding star for their own wayward hearts. every experience you’ve lived through has built your lighthouse heart up just a little higher. you are inspirational, a light that doesn’t go out.

director's commentary: the thing with ambrose is that he is so tired. desperately wants to stop working for arasaka but he knows they won't let him go and he believes they've turned him into a monster and there's nothing more to him now because of that. but at the same time he adopted a little girl who would have otherwise simply ended up alone again, and he is the whole world to her; and he is SUCH an important figure in the community they live in, helping with repairs to the building they live in wherever and whenever, always offering protection, and just a friendly familiar face to have a good conversation with at the end of a long day at work. he's so stuck in the belief that how arasaka sees him is how everyone he knows sees him that he doesn't even realize his own kindness and i'm very normal about that [lying]

– A TANGLED BALL OF RED STRINGS.

who are you without the company of others? you aren’t sure, but you know that you aren’t fond of whoever it is. you are an actor, a pretty face and a pleasant song. many idolize you, or love you, but you can never be sure of how sincere it is. your heart is buried under the letters they leave you, sealed with a kiss. it can’t be untangled from the red strings they’ve attached to you. you deserve to find something, someone, true and faithful to hold your heart in place. you don’t have to be everything to everyone.

director's commentary: for the longest time, aubrey believed he knew exactly what he wanted and what was good for him. spent a decent amount of years living a much wilder life than he could actually handle and while he could always get along generally well with people, he could never really find his place even in the biggest of crowds. he's an entertainer, he knows he's funny and knows that's how he makes friends, but at the same time his somewhat obnoxious behavior is a defense mechanism- a way to control how people perceive him in hopes those who actually care about him will stick around despite all his flaws. it's hard to tell where the act stops and the real aubrey starts, but now that he's finally found his place and his people he can finally figure out who he really is

– ICED OVER, OUT OF THE SUN.

your heart is very lonely, isn’t it? is your fortress of ice self-made? are others afraid of you, or are you afraid of them? are you afraid of hurting them, or of being hurt? vulnerability and connection can be frightening, but that’s no reason to shy away from their light, to tuck yourself small into corners, to build up frigid walls to keep yourself from feeling. you will heal when you allow yourself to draw closer to the flames and thaw.

director's commentary: cassidy has been alone for a very long time and especially after his relationship with reid ended, he believed it would be for the best. didn't allow anyone close anymore because they showed no interest in him anyway, so why should he show interest in them? but deep down he longs to have some sort of connection to someone again, and he wants very badly to be loved- in literally any way. he's very scared of being hurt since physical touch does in fact hurt for him, and he's very scared of hurting others because in the past, any sort of confrontation has led to his loved ones dying. but in the end he manages to let people in again and it took him very long but he is finally healing from all of that now, and he no longer has to spend his nights alone

– AN OPEN DOOR, A BURNING HEARTH.

your chest is wide open, and your heart is a home. others are welcomed in readily and asked to stay. you are comfort and love, everything you were never given but so desperately want to provide for others. you have built this welcoming hearth with your own two hands and won’t see anyone else left out in the cold. be careful to not burn yourself out trying to keep everyone else warm.

director's commentary: harlowe is relatively new in comparison to the other guys listed here but this result fits him very well. he used to work as a doll and all of caused him to become very wary of other human beings and feel alienated from them. especially following the incident in which he lost his leg and his doll chip got broken, which led to him getting permanent brain damage after he was forced to keep using the broken chip, he felt very alone and unloved and it wasn't until aubrey got him out of that situation and basically adopted him into his family that things started changing for harlowe. and nowadays he is so full of love; makes it his job to make those around him feel welcome and safe, and he knows how to bring good vibes to any situation. but at the same time he still hasn't had a chance to properly work through all that's happened to him and he's starting to run on fumes

– A CAGE WITH IRON LOCKS.

you are an enigma. you take care to remain that way. you aim to keep people guessing; your motives are uncertain even to yourself. what is it you truly want? you’ll never know if you keep your heart locked away like that. you deserve to be known, truly and fully. stop being afraid of what you might find if you open your heart up to self-reflection. stop thinking that no one will love you the moment they understand you. you are more than the facade you put on.

director's commentary: reid doesn't have the greatest past- career at maxtac, cassidy's ex-boyfriend and reid was NOT a good boyfriend at all, and at some point he basically ended up trying to get cassidy to break up with his current partner and also hand him over to kang tao in a desperate attempt to get his own life back together. none of it worked out for him and he ended up having to work for aubrey; become his secretary and assistant in his fixer business, even though reid had already entirely accepted he was probably going to end up getting killed. now being forced to live with the consequences, reid has bettered himself and even ends up saving the lives of those he once wished dead- but he still carries his past with him everywhere he goes and has a hard time letting go of it all, scared to put himself out there again because he doesn't want the past to repeat itself. but as much as he tries to close himself off, people still find their way to him; and it takes him a while to fully open up, but he gets there in the end, and he's much better off nowadays

– MOLTEN LAVA AND CHARRED FLESH.

your heart burned so fiercely that it burnt itself out, leaving horrible scars in its wake; scars inside your chest and on the hands of those who touched you, the hearts of anyone who got close enough to connect to yours. the person you are now is no longer recognizable, burnt up by your own anger and passion and love. the injuries can never be fully erased, but they can be soothed with time and trust and forgiveness.

director's commentary: reuben's result is interesting because it's accurate but not entirely in the way you would expect. when he was with maelstrom, for the longest time he believed that he truly belonged there; it was his home, the only home he could remember, and despite the fact he was mostly treated like shit he found comfort there and was driven by a passion that came to exist entirely out of his loyalty to them. all of it fell apart when he learned everything he had done for them meant nothing, and he suddenly started to realize all the horrible things they made him do had not ever been good to begin with. he then spent a lot of time alone, hiding in his own little hideout and refusing to let anyone get near him. luckily enough this all changes for him and he ends up moving in with someone he now loves more than anything in the world, and he has countless of friends he would be willing to die for. his passion is still there, and his loyalty too- but this time it's created from within his own heart, rather than fabricated out of lies and empty promises

[ratatattouille]

just finished watching the good place and the finale was fitting for the show, but tbh, i've never understood the "eternity would be unbearable" thing. not "heaven" exactly but "eternity." to me, eternity makes sense. i don't think it's unnatural for a human mind because to me its like being present. i think that's why aging is startling for me. i have had very similar "boring" days throughout my life. and i'll routinely get bored of things and then get excited about them once my fatigue wears out. i don't know what it means to get bored of life. and when i have felt fatigued by it, that fatigue also passes, like all things. if i lived forever, i'd be completely unaware of it the way i'm unaware of the passing of time now. like yeah, i'll burn out if i eat grilled potatoes every night. but getting to eat grilled potatoes again would thrill me just the same. isn't that why you love things? don't you look forward to the things you love? don't you give them space so you can enjoy them all over again?

perhaps part of the point of virtues like patience, restraint, hope, courage, generosity, selflessness isn't strictly about "making the world better" or just taking care of those around you, but maximizing pleasure by managing yourself. taking time to do the difficult things so the pleasurable things don't sour. so you can actually handle your pleasure without it destroying you. your pleasures can go bad without balance. wealth will go bad without character. even happiness. and balance takes constant intentionality. it's a never-ending challenge in itself. mastering it will still mean you have to do it. you will never reach a place where saying yes will always be the right or healthy answer.

i'd also never get bored of people. even when they're predictable. it's one thing to know something about a person, but it's always new living side by side with that person. life is just endlessly fascinating to me even when there's nothing to solve or nothing new.

i'm fascinated by mystery, but i'm so so fascinated by the familiar as well. idk what it means to get tired of seeing the same waterfall or butterfly. i will always fall in love with the full moon. eternity would not weigh on me because i simply wouldn't notice it. i'd just be waking up again, sleeping again. meeting the people i love again. i don't even think about it now which is why death always feels so sudden. i subconsciously assume where i am will always be like this and it always feels dynamic. there's always something about it.

i think the good place's idea of heaven/paradise is a critique on hedonism, but what it is ultimately, is an acknowledgement of human finitude. you're not meant to have everything on MAX all the time as a human. that's what's unnatural and that's what makes things tiring: constant oversaturation and overstimulation. you can't have too much all at once. at least not with this brain and body.

also, does endless comfort make for dull people? i think it depends. i know i would want a world without suffering, but i don't think that has to mean living in a world without difficulty, mystery or pain. maybe, actually, it's not even suffering i would avoid. maybe i just don't want a world with injustice in it. i think that's a better idea of paradise. because there's certain levels of pleasure (like catharsis) that simply can't be accessed without initial stress. it's kinda like the whole capitalism thing.

i don't want to be exploited or "hustle." that doesn't mean i don't want to work hard at something. i want my work to be well compensated. not to not work ever.

i ALSO don't think death makes life meaningful. i think humans are meaningful beings that create and communicate via meaning. we create meaning constantly. we don't find it and nothing gives it to us. i don't think that would change if we were immortal. it's literally just who we are. it is as dynamic as we are.

i also don't think endless life could ever be boring. i think the worry here is "unchangingness" or "stagnance." but i don't see why immortality would have to mean nothing changes. i think life perpetuates itself by changing. i think life would not be possible without change, so why would endless life mean changelessness? we can't ever know everything because everything is constantly changing. including ourselves.

i can't grasp being tired of that.

except that change would imply death of some kind. and that's where the grief comes in. yet also the triumph. idk. i just love life man. even when its hard. the main thing for me is not being isolated. suffering to me is abandonment and silence.

that's what i can't bear. not being with others. not meeting someone on the other end (if there is another end). that's what scares me. the fact that nonexistence means no one is there. not even me.

anyways. good show.

[tohisprettyc00l]

could you do a Vee x Basilisk reader where Vee sees the reader's true form, instead of their disguise?

request from Tumblr: could you do a Vee x Basilisk reader where Vee sees the reader's true form, instead of their disguise?

A/n: just for clarification, this starts when Vee is pretending to be Luz.

You had escaped the Emperor's Coven and into the human realm a few months ago. And currently, you were living in a random shed you found. Listen, you weren't homeless! You're just... Okay, there is no good way to phrase this, you are homeless. But on the plus side, you have an area to camp out in and a school lunch! Speaking of school, it's time to go to school.

You quickly shape-shifted into the human form you've been taking. It's a bit of a mix-mash of other people you've seen. It does stop people from getting you in trouble with a person whose form you took though. You quickly ran to school.

Once you got to school you saw your friend Luz. She always seemed very familiar since the moment you met her. She reminded you of your old life, but somehow in a good way? "Y/N! how's it going?" "Pretty good!" She smiled sweetly. you felt a warm feeling in your heart as she smiled. "Same here! I've been doing some cleaning." You paused. "How did you earn the reputation as a 'trouble-maker?' You're so chill!" You said. Luz seemed to get oddly nervous, "Well one summer can really change a person, y'know." You nodded. "Yeah, it's like you're a whole different person though!" "I wouldn't say that." You dropped the topic because it seemed to be freaking her out. The bell rang and you both went to your respective classes.

Soon class started. But you weren't really paying attention. You were more focused on Luz's reaction. That might have been when of the most nervous she had been. At least around you. Soon the bell rang that snapped you out of your thoughts. When you walked out you saw Luz talking to one of her other friends in the hallway. You looked at Luz and you could've sworn you saw her blink sideways. At first, you didn't think much about it until you remembered that humans don't do that. You rubbed your eyes and looked at her again. She blinked again, normally. So, you chalked it up to you being tired or something.

Luz looked at you and walked up to you. "Hey, Y/n!" She waved, "Wanna hang out later." You nodded. "Okay, I've never seen your house so-" "No!" You accidentally shouted. Which earned you a few weird looks from other kids and a concerned look from Luz. "Um- I mean, I like your place a lot more. So I want to go to your house instead." You said nervously. "Oookay?" Luz said, "Yeah we'll just go to my place." You sighed in relief. "What time should it be at?" Luz asked. "Um around 8?" "Sure!"

After a few more hours school ended. You gather all your stuff and run to the shed you call home. Once you got there you sighed. You only had enough magic for a week. Even if you used as little as possible. But at least you could hang out with Luz later, that could take your mind off it, if only for a few hours. You lay your head back on the wall.

Suddenly you heard footsteps in the other room. You got up to check it out when suddenly there were banging noises. You ran as fast as you could. You peaked slightly around the corner. And there, in the middle of your shed, was another basilisk. You froze, not sure of what the right way to react was.

A small mirror with a messy-haired Luz caught your attention. You tried to speak but your voice was caught in your throat so you stood still. "Stop moving, you'll make it tighter!" The Luz in the mirror said, "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just want to figure it out, okay?" "Mhm." "Your a demon, from the Boiling Isles. What's your name?" "I'm number five- I mean, I'm Vee." Your eyes widened with shock. Not only was she the closest to you when you were still imprisoned. But she also seems to have been impersonating Luz!

"Okay, Vee, I'm going to help free you. You're going to be alright. Now, back up a bit, give it some slack." Luz instructed, "Now look for a little metal thing-a-ma-boba, sorry I don't know what it's called." Vee pulled on it and released her leg. "There you go!" She jumped out of the trap quickly. You suck in your breath and walked to the basement door. You entered and quietly closed the door.

You just stared at the wall for a few moments. There were a million thoughts going through your mind. Well, God that explains a lot. you went back upstairs hoping they left. Thankfully they did. So you went outside hoping to organically run into Vee.

After a while of walking, you spotted Masha and her other friends. They were holding hexes hold'em cards which had the scent of magic on them. You concluded this would be your highest chance of seeing Vee. "Hey, guys!" You waved. "Hey Y/N!" Masha greeted, "I got some tarot cards I was just giving him a reading." They pointed to their friend. They cleared their throats, "As I was saying, a past connection that left a mark on your soul, has shown up again. And is asking you to shed your old ways and enter a metamorphosis! And be the spiritual leader you were meant to be" "Yeah, that sounds about right." The guy who they were giving a reading to said.

Suddenly Vee appeared. "Yes!" You mentally cheered. "Hello." She greeted you. "Oh, hey Luz! Nice to see you out of prison." "Oh come on, camp wasn't that bad. We did have the best cabin." Cabin seven! Ho-ha-ha" They all said in unison then laughed. You giggled at their goofiness.

"Cool cards, where'd you get them?" She went to grab the card but Masha grabbed it first. Uh-uh. Let me give you a reading first. I wanna practice." They laid three cards down, "You're running from your past. From a previous life that was not kind to you. However, the guilt and fear you carry will eventually catch you in a self-fulfilling prophecy that you won't be able to escape from. You're going to need some bath bombs, girl." You felt slightly tense, it might've been for Vee, but it hit way too close to you as well.

Masha started collecting the cards, "Anyway, I got the cards over at the Graves Field historical society." "Thanks, I'll see you around." Vee got up and started leaving. "Did you see the look in her eyes? I got to find out where she got those contacts." Vee leaving snapped you out of your thoughts. "Here why don't I go find out right now?" You said. "Thanks." With that, you got up and started walking toward Vee.

Once you finally entered you heard Vee and Luz around the corner. "I know what it's like to want to run away from home. I did the same thing." "You and I are not the same. You had a mom that Loved you, a life. You had it good! And you still wanted to run away. I-I didn't have a choice." You cringed slightly at her last sentence. "My real name is Number Five. I'm a Basilisk, and technically I-I shouldn't exist. My kind went extinct a long time ago. But we were brought back. They wanted to see how we drained magic." "I met a Basilisk one. She hurt a lot of people." "For many of us all we knew how to do was feed. Some of us escaped, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he caught us again. But then I saw you and you could be a way out of this!" Vee explained, "I didn't mean to keep playing this role but Camila was nice to me. I resent you for running away. But I'm also thankful you did. I don't know, it's confusing."

Vee turned to you and loudly gasped. You nervously waved. "How much did you hear..?" Vee asked nervously. You dry swallowed, "Umm, all of it." Vee's face went pale. "Y-y/n-" "I'll be fine. You seem to need help." "I do. But you can't do anything. Please, just leave for now." You opened your mouth to speak but words didn't come out. You sighed, nodded, then left. "Did you find out where she got them?" Masha asked when you walked by. "Huh?" "The contacts!" "Oh- um- no she forgot." "Awh, that sucks. Thanks anyway." You nodded and began walking home.

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It had been a little less than a week since "Luz '' came to school. Your hope of even seeing her again kept dwindling. But on a saturday morning your phone rang. Your eyes lit up seeing who sent it. Luz. You quickly opened it. "Hey y/n it's been awhile. Can I come over please?" You looked at your phone. "There's a shed by your house, can we met there?" you texted.

What you thought was going to happen, was Vee texting you yes and a time. Not suddenly getting a text telling you that she's at the shed. Your phone rung and your heart sank reading the message. Suddenly your door opened and Vee stood, looking at you in a similar manner as you first looked at her. As quickly as you could, you shapeshifted into your usual form. "Sup-surprise." Vee teared up.

"You okay-" "Number seven!" She ran over and hugged you, "I missed you!" You smiled, "Yep, seems no matter the realm we'll be friends. But I'm running out of magic..." "Oh!" Vee exclaimed. She pulled some cards out of her pocket. "The cards Masha was using had magic! There from the demon realm." "Thanks Vee!" "Anything for us not to be split up again."

[onlineproblems]

anyway i'm just putting my thoughts in order this is so boring to anyone but me

God my mood took such a huge dive after our mini vacation because I was so exhausted. The exact same thing happened last year when we took a trip. Which is when I ended up self-harming. I was expecting the mood dysregulation this time so I took care of myself better but still. Jesus. I mean it helped that I didn't have to go back to a horrible job but at the same time I often feel like a leech because I only work a few hours a week right now. I know that's not the point of life but hey. You get this idea of usefulness and worth drilled into you and it's hard to separate your identity from creating capital. And obviously I'm aware of that, he's aware of that, but at the same time we both have those identical pressures on us so it feels very unfair for me to (seemingly) fuck around all day while he has to work 40 hours and be basically the sole provider. I haven't worked full time in a year now. And I keep getting interviews and not getting hired. The job market sucks but it does feel like I'm deficient somehow. Like why wouldn't they want me?? Do I have to settle for making minimum wage (or less) doing work I'm far overqualified for, and would be miserable doing?

Aside from that, it's been really hard to focus on learning. I'm unmedicated for ADHD because I can't tolerate any meds and the best I can do is be aware of my limits and work around them, play to my strengths. But I see other people succeeding and learning faster than me, and I feel so deficient and stupid. Why haven't I grasped this yet? Would I already have a job if I were just better, smarter? Am I just not applying myself enough? I always know the answer is, "You're working within your limits; your best is different from someone else's" but it still kind of hurts to feel like your potential is being wasted. To feel like everyone is looking at you and thinking of you as a failure, or lazy, or pitying you.

Am I happy? Yes, frequently. I enjoy my hobbies, I love my spouse, I feel more rested than I have in a long time, and I often feel fulfilled learning something that does actually challenge me. But I can't help my insecurities, the imposter syndrome.

I'm also lonely. I used to have a large friend group, and now I have two friends that I see on a regular basis. I have friends that I talk to online a lot, but as much as I love them, it doesn't satisfy me in the same way as being in someone's presence. If we ever moved, or if my two friends ever moved, I would be back to zero. My anxiety, especially about driving, makes it particularly hard to make friends in a city where you can't do anything without driving to get there. Not feeling capable of driving also makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can do it for short distances in areas I'm familiar with, but getting on the freeway makes me feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, and not in a good way. Every time I manage to drive somewhere I feel this sense of exultation that I accomplished a huge feat, followed by such a hollow exhaustion that I often feel drained for the rest of the day. How are you supposed to maintain friends like that?

And these are just my small everyday concerns. In the back of my mind during all these I'm aware of the fact that the US is a flaming shit log right now, and I can sign petitions and donate money and vote in my primaries and do whatever and the world is still heating up and people are still getting fucking shotgunned and legislated to death and wrung out like a sponge by insane costs of living and corporations and billionaires are smoking petrol cigarettes made of corpses lit by fossil fuel private jet matches. So what do you. You just don't think about it most of the time.

I don't know. I think I'm really tired right now so naturally my outlook is more bleak, and if I had gotten more sleep I would feel better and happier. But I think I do still feel numb a lot and that I bury my head in easy distractions like TV and tumblr because facing painful emotions is just hard. I'm a chronic avoider. I put off conflict of any kind. If I think I see it coming, I close my eyes until it runs me over. I'm not as bad as I used to be; I'm trying to articulate how I feel more, and to be proactive about developing healthy coping mechanisms, but I think I'm not great about being self-aware yet. I think it still creeps up on me and I'm not aware until it's right over me.

At least I knew this time, before this trip, what was going to happen. I wouldn't say I dealt with it in the best way, but I prevented myself from self-harming and I talked about how I was feeling and I let myself feel angry a little bit. I had a fawning reaction for a lot of the time, but I was more aware of it. I can recognize the patterns better. And instead of giving into the compulsion, I felt the feeling and then let it pass.

This is probably just always going to happen. I mean, I still have the same impulses from my eating disorder that I've always had. I don't really think they've changed or gone away at all. I just don't act on the impulses anymore. I haven't for a couple years. Not to say I won't relapse, but again, I'm seeing the patterns and resisting the impulses. Wanting the better outcome instead of the immediate release of satisfying the compulsion.

I guess all I can do is keep trying and desiring the better outcome, trying to think in the long term. (It's so hard when "the future" is something I can't even visualize! It's liquid, nebulous, anything could happen, I don't have a plan or anything definitive that I want) (What do I want? There's a few things I guess I could daydream about -- having a yard, but I don't need that. Pursuing my hobbies, I guess -- but I can do that almost anywhere. Having friends -- hopefully some of the same ones as now. Being happy with my spouse, being comfortable in our house or apartment, working enough to live off of and maybe to retire early. Who cares? There's no set path to any of these things.) So yeah. As long as I'm engaging in healthy patterns more often than not, I can achieve the future I want. Right?

Anyway. This is a mess but I feel like I got some of the most tangled threads unraveled.