#fair warning it is actually very emotional to watch so take care

[abovetherainandroses]

Very emotional video of the piano part of Patrick’s medley (What a Fool Believes by the Doobie Brothers / Spotlight / What a Catch, Donnie / Golden) in Milwaukee, 4/2/2024, including his words about his dear friend Casey Benjamin.

You can read Casey’s memorial page here.

[sim0nril3y]

Deployment

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Civilian!Reader Scenario: The time has come. It's his first deployment since you've become a couple. The goodbyes are difficult. Warnings: No mask Simon (It's my personal headcanon in his regular life he probably wouldn't wear it), lots of angst, talking of leaving, talking of dying, canon-typical swearing.

One more night. One more night in his arms. What if he didn’t come back? What if he got hurt? What if he went missing? Honestly, you weren’t sure that you could cope with the never knowing what happened. Please, please, let there be some type of miracle that might happen so that Simon wouldn’t have to go. Things had been going so well, it simply wasn’t fair. If only he had any other job in the world. If only he was still a butcher, or something normal like that. Why now?

“Sleep.” Even with his eyes firmly closed Simon commanded you to rest. “You have work tomorrow.” Simon sounded tired, you supposed it was 2am, he had a right to be tired. “I don’t care.” You answered with a sad and quiet tone, eyes fixed on his sleeping frame in the pitch blackness that filled the room. “The morning is going to come whether you sleep or not.”

There was silence for a moment and Simon wondered if you had actually listened and then he heard it. Sniff. Then quiet. Sniff, sniff. Then even more silence before. Hck. Sniff. Sniff. His eyes pried open, adjusting momentarily before finding your face crumbling with emotion, lips firmly frowned and trembling, eyes filling fast with tears that were trickling down your face and soaking the pillow beneath you.

“Babe.” He whispered, reaching out to gently touch your shoulder, squeezing in a comforting way. “Don’t… Don’t bloody cry.” Simon whispered, his own voice a little thicker than usual. “Oi, c’mere.” Then pulling you across the sheets into his arms, holding you to firmly in his strong arms. “You dozy bloody moo…” He whispered, soothingly rubbing your back in small circles as you hiccupped and sobbed into his throat. “I know, I know.”

Honestly, he’d never had to deal with this before. Of course, he’d been around other colleagues and watched how hard it’s been for them to be away from their loved once. For him, it had been a very long time since he’d been in this place before and it was never like he had someone waiting for him to come home. It added an entirely different layer of fear, there was that fear of exposing you to danger but there was always a fear of leaving you. It felt like it hadn’t been that long since he’d learned to love you, allowed himself to let someone new into his life and now there was the possibility it could be all ripped away in an instant. Simon wanted more time, but that wasn’t something he was going to be afforded.

Still, even as your tears flowed Simon just held you, strong and tight in his arms, shushing you and caressing you so gently until your body just succumbed to exhaustion. It brought him pain to think of you being apart from him in mere hours now, sobbing yourself to sleep without his strong arms and his kind words. Fuck, it had never been this hard before.

The following morning Simon was up bright and early to finish his checklist. It seemed that you were restless too and that early awakening lead to you following him around like a lost puppy, eyes watching the clock as if counting down the seconds. “Babe, I’m just going to put some fuel in the car. I’ll be back. I promise.” He’d assured when your eyes had filled with wayward tears as he nabbed his keys. “Sweetheart, can I take a piss in peace, please?” He’d begged as you chased him into the bathroom for the second time that morning.  “I’m just going to get a loaf of bread from the other freezer, stay here.” He'd commanded as he unlocked the back door. “Babe, if you wanted to join me in the shower all you had to do was ask…” Simon had purred before you two fell into the steamy shower.

Later that morning you were munching down some toast, eyes fixed firmly on Simon as he made himself a strong tea. It was difficult thinking that tomorrow morning you would be going through this routine on your own. The thought alone was enough for a lump to stick awkwardly in your throat. “Right…” Simon began then, causing you to push down any of those awful feelings and focus. “I’ve left a list of numbers over there…” Turning he held his mug in hand and nodded in the direction of a lonely notepad, it was full of names and phone numbers and occupations. “Reckon they’ll be able to fix any problems you might run into, alright? I’m not gonna be able to be in contact all the time, so I need to know that if there is a problem here, or with you, or with the car that it’ll be covered.”

“Right.” You agreed gently, taking another solemn bite of toast. “Against my better judgement…” Simon continued, stepping across to sit opposite you at the kitchen table. “I’ve added you to my car insurance, use it when you need it, please don’t write it off.” There was almost teasing to his tone. “My driving isn’t that bad…” You grumbled and this only earned a smirk as he took another sip of his tea. “I’ve got all the utilities set up. The mortgage is on direct debit. I’m even paying that kid down the road to come a mow the garden whilst I’m gone, he’s happy to be making a little extra money and it’s one less thing for you to worry about, which means one less thing for me to worry about.” Simon explained.

A frown found your lips. “I’m capable of looking after myself and the house, you know…” Simon lets out a soft sigh then and replies. “I know, babe. I…” He seems to pause, as if taking a moment to find the right words. “I like to know that I’ve covered every possibility at home so I won’t have to worry when I’m out there…” Simon said it like out there was a very distant place, very cold, isolated and very far from you. “Okay?” Silently he was asking you to just trust him and give him these final few hours to make sure everything was set up in a way that gave him comfort, the comfort of knowing that you were safe at home. “Okay.”

The way that you watched the clock on the wall was like you were begging it for more time, making some kind of trade so that Simon wouldn’t need to go. Regardless of what you promised the time still came. There he stood loading his bags into the waiting cab, you stood a couple paces back wanting to give some space. “Let me drive you-” You attempted to persuade. “It’ll be too hard.” Simon answered with finality.

He closed the boot with a shunt and then turned to be looking at you. “It’ll be better to leave you here at home and then call you once I arrive on base. Okay?” It sounded like he was trying to convince himself too. “C’mon now…” He muttered, watching as finally the emotion broke over your face, all that strength crumbled and the tears began to trickle once again. “Oi…” Simon muttered, wrapping you into his warm strong arms. Those same arms you wouldn’t feel again for month. Your last embrace. “It’ll be easier like this. I promise. Easier for you. Easier for me.” Simon whispered, squeezing you so tight in his bulging arms. “I love you.”

It was something so rare and so emotional that you actually gasped, glancing up at him through your watery eyes. “Love you too.” Your words came out less controlled, spoken through a sob. “Love you.” You added, as if to make up for the initial emotional sentiment like Simon might have not been able to hear you over the lump in your throat. “Call me-” “I will.” There was a solid promise.

Then one final kiss. It was searing, his lips pressed against your own so hard that you thought he might bruise you. You never wanted this kiss to end. You didn’t want him to climb into the cab. You didn’t want his promises or his declarations of love and devotion. No, you just wanted him…

A second later Simon detangled you from his arms and climbed into the cab. He knew that one of you had to be strong in this moment and that you were never going to be the one to walk away, so he needed to. Even if it hurt more than being fucking shot Simon needed to step away. He had duty. He had honour. Someday maybe you’d understand, or maybe you never would, but he hoped that at least you’d find some type of normality without him around…

Once he’d arrived on base Simon got back into a routine seamlessly, everyone thought of him as the emotionless and stoic ‘Ghost’. That was all that he wanted to be to these people. The less they knew about his life the better, that way he could shield you from anyone using you against him. He’d never forgive himself… however, there was one person that needed to know. Officially, he needed to speak to Price, if the worst should happen you’d need to know.

It was late. Far too late to be doing all this, but Simon knew that his Captain would still be up. Rapping his knuckles hard against his door a voice called out and in he stepped. John sat at his desk, pouring over paperwork on his desk and gifting Simon a very tired smile as he entered. “Captain.” He kept his voice firm and professional as he entered. “Lieutenant, what do you need?”

For a moment Simon stood quietly, mouth pursed as if he racked his brains for the right words. “My next of kin…” “It’s blank – like we discussed.” About to dismiss him when Simon spoke again. “I need it changed.” John seemed shocked by these words, the argument that they had over not having one and now to have him so quickly change his mind. “What do you need from me?”

John blinked, once then twice before collecting a form from his desk. “Just jot their details down…” Passing over a pen as he watched Simon began to diligently fill in the boxes. His hand-writing was just as he expected, messy and haphazard, but his mind only went to Simon’s homelife… John wondered, did he have someone special? Who was it? What were they like? How long had they known each other? What was the relationship? All these questions that John wanted to ask, but knowing Simon wouldn’t get a single answer. “If I die, tell her.” Yanked back to reality with one simple sentence. “Not some letter. No some top brass. You tell her, Captain.” Sliding the piece of paper back in his direction. “Don’t tell her how - she won’t cope with that.” John nodded. “For fuck sake, don’t show her a body if there is one. She’d never sleep again.”

“Need you to make sure she gets access to my pension. I want every fucking penny of it going to her.” Simon placed down the pen hard on the table. “My house. My car. The shirt off my dead fucking back. I want it all going to her. Okay?” There was desperation in his tone. This was a conversation they were meant to be having 6 weeks ago, with legal and suits around to sign it all off. Not the night before he was going to be put on a plane into a warzone. “Simon-” “John, please…” He didn’t need to see the rest of his face to know that Simon was in anguish, his eyes were enough. “I’ll see that it happens.”

Masterlist | Ask | 10-04-2024

[echantedtoon]

MINE: Upper Moons

Yandere Upper Moons if you had a significant other or if they found out you were in love with someone else. No duh that they'd most likely kill them but this is a more in depth dive into it.

Warnings for mentions of cannibalism and death.

KOKUSHIBO:

-As stated before in other posts he's a very traditional man. Back in his day if you had a rival for the affection of a woman you'd duel them for her hand like an honorable man which is exactly what he did when he found out you already have a fiance.

-The terror and horror on your fiance's face when the second most powerful demon cornered him in the streets unsheathing his blade as he challenged him for the woman was one Kokushibo would never forget.

-Although he really didn't care for the man, he made his death swift and painless if only to avoid it being long. It was over within seconds. So even as you scream and cry as he carries you away, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's done. After all he won you fair and square in his mind.

DOUMA:

-(we're just gonna skip to the part of where he actually feels things now) Actually doesn't know what to do at first when he finds out you have feelings for someone else. He's never had emotions before so he's not sure how to process that he feels angry, jealous, and heartbroken so he'll avoid them. He may not know how he feels yet but he knows your lover makes him feel bad things so at first all he does is avoid them outta confusion hoping the bad feelings will go away.

-Eventually someone notices his behavior and will explain it to him after he vents. It's then that he decides that in order to remove the bad feelings and to have you all to himself, he eats him. Calling him into his private chambers only to absorb him completely but not before putting him through agony. After all it's only fair that he feels bad for making HIM feel bad.

AKAZA:

-Now it depends on if your lover is a man or woman. If it's a woman then he might nicely try to convince her to leave you but if that doesn't work he'll simply just take you or just continue to watch you from afar since he can't bring himself to harm a lady.

-However if it's a man like Kokushibo he'll challenge him to a fight to the death for you. No is not an option. Either he can he honorable and fight him or Akaza will chase him down and end him that way. Either way you're lover is dead before it's even sunrise. He'll apologize for making you cry countless times and promises that he'll make you so much happier afterwards but he doesn't regret his choice and would do it all over again to have you.

GYUTARO:

-Enraged, jealous, heartbroken...but not surprised. Of course a beautiful woman like you would already be taken by someone else. It's only natural you'd be married or engaged already. It all really depends on how he feels that determines what end your lover meets. If he just doesn't want to waste time on him or leave you then he'll convince Daki to do it or have her go sick her belt on him. However if he's enraged enough he'll track him down himself and brutally torture him before killing him or maybe just straight up kill him quickly. It really depends on how he's feeling in the moment.

DAKI:

-(This is written as platonic! Don't get weird.) She ended up liking your company a lot and you having a lover would only pull your attention away from her! She's very selfish and spoiled so she'll do what needs to be done to get her way. She'll most likely just kill him or get her belt to eat him but if she's upset enough and cries then Gyutaro has no problems going to murder the man who made his baby sister cry. After all what Daki wants she gets.

KAIGAKU:

-It depends on if he's still human or demon when he does it. If he's still human he might lead a demon to where your lover is staying or he'll kill him and stage it to look like a demon attack. If he's a demon then he'll simply kill and eat him but not before raging at him blaming him for you not being in love with him. He might even bring you his head afterwards as proof of his conquest and how much he would do for you.

NAKIME:

-She doesn't believe in dragging it out. Honestly she wouldn't even outwardly react. So she could be absolutely angry and you not even know it. However your lover is earning a one way trip through a door to where a crowd of newly turned hungry demons are waiting.

HANTENGU (+CLONES):

-It depends entirely on which one of them catches you that determines his fate. If it's Hantengu he'll kill him but be so delusional that he'll blame it on everyone else except for himself. Sekido will electrocute him to death. Karaku will send him flying so high the impact will kill him. Urogi is like a bird of prey catching him before dropping them from the sky. Aizetsu will be the only merciful one stabbing him in the head or heart to make his death a quick one. Urami will either crush him or eat him. Zohakutan while unlikely to do the deed will most likely sick a dragon on him.

GYOKKO:

-Whoever it was just earned then a one way trip into one of his vases or as an ugly horrific art piece that is if he doesn't decide to eat him. He might construct an art piece dedicated to you titled 'Parting Is A Sweet Sorrow's and rejoice in how it makes you cry and scream out.

[noellawrites]

Stress Relief - stepdad!Rafael Barba x reader

requested by @rafaslittleboy

summary: Rafael comes home angry and frustrated with your mom, so he decides to use you to relieve some of his stress.

warnings: father/stepchild incest, fingering, inappropriate relationship

Being Olivia Benson's kid had never been easy. Between angry criminals seeking revenge and never-ending cases that kept your mom away from you, you'd experienced more than your fair share of turmoil.

But even then, nothing compared to the night your mother and Rafael Barba came home and announced they'd gotten married down at the courthouse.

Somehow, taking care of Noah had always fallen on you. It didn't matter that you were working and going to school. Even though you were now in college and Noah was a bit older, you were still expected to be the responsible older sibling.

It had never been much of a secret that your mom and stepdad favored Noah over you. After all, they doted on him and told him how much they loved him all the time. You were practically invisible compared to him. Even though you were the one actually genetically related to one of them.

—

One night while you were doing schoolwork at the kitchen table, you were startled by the front door being flung open.

"Jeez, dad, what's wrong?" you ask, looking up at him and setting down your pencil.

"Elliot Stabler is back," Rafael grumbles, dropping his briefcase on the floor. It fell to the ground with a thud.

"I thought he was gone for good. Lizzie didn't tell me anything so she probably didn't know he was coming back, either. Poor kids," you sigh.

"Where's Noah?"

"A playdate with Amanda's girls. I'm picking him up later," you explain, looking up from your work briefly.

"Ah. Well, your mother is having a drink with Elliot. She'll be home later," Rafael spat.

"Damn. Jealous much?" you laugh, then realize it was the wrong move. You swore you saw fire rising up in Rafa's eyes as he stormed away to his and your mom's bedroom.

"Get in here, now." you hear Rafael growl from the other side of the bedroom door just a few minutes later.

A shiver runs down your spine. You were almost never allowed in your parents' bedroom. Only when you were being punished or scolded.

Even though you were in college, your parents still had absurd rules and acted like everything you did was wrong. Even though you weren't rebellious at all and spent most of your time watching your little brother.

"Dad, whatever I did, I'm sorry," you offer.

As you crack the bedroom door open, you notice your stepdad undressing himself, only his shirt, suspenders and pants remaining.

"I had a shit day and you sure aren't making it any better. Your mother and I have decided you need to learn to be more independent. I'm not even your real father, and you're not a little kid like your brother is. Grow up and stop relying on us for everything," he sighs, not even looking at you as if ashamed by your very existence.

"B-but you're the only d-dad I've ever had," you sniffle, tears welling up in your eyes.

"Stop getting emotional, don't be jealous over your brother. He didn't do anything wrong. Now get out, please. You're stressing me out," he says, rolling his eyes at you.

"What do I have to do to make you love me again? I'll do anything, please, dad."

"There's nothing you can do, I already have your mom," he states, laughing at your helpless desperation.

His words puncture your heart like a knife. He had your mom and Noah, so why were you still here? You'd always known you were useless, unloved, but now your stepdad had confirmed it.

"I can give you affection, anything you want. I-I can be better than my mom, please... please give me a chance!" you blurt, barely processing your words before you say them.

"Get out of my room. OUT!" he bellows, voice echoing through the walls. You leave, trying to preserve at least some of your dignity.

You sweep your homework off the dining table and drag it into your room. Your small, dark room. Somehow, even as the oldest, you'd gotten the worst bedroom. Of course. You flopped down on your bed and sobbed into your pillow, wishing fruitlessly for someone to make you feel wanted.

—

You couldn't remember when you had fallen asleep, but you hear a soft knock on your door some time later.

"Huh?" you rasp, eyes widening as your stepdad enters. Now clothed in a sweater and flannel pajama pants, he looks so much softer than before.

His sympathetic gaze fixes on you before saying, "c'mon, out of bed, sweetie."

Rafael leads you to the master bedroom once again, your mother still nowhere to be seen. Probably still out with Elliot Stabler.

"C'mon, sit in my lap. Don't worry, your dad's got you, okay? " you nod, so touch-starved as you climb onto the bed and into his lap.

"You were right earlier, we haven't been paying enough attention to you. Even big kids need love too. C'mon, cuddle with your dad," he says warmly, allowing you to climb under the blankets with him and snuggle up close to his warm body.

"I missed this," you hum, feeling his warm breath on your forehead as he wraps his arms around you.

You lean into his touch as his arm moves down your back, eventually stopping so his hand is resting on the small of your back.

Your breath hitches when you feel your stepdad's thick fingers reach down towards your underwear, gently teasing the waistband.

“Dad, w-what are you doing?” you hiss, writhing around gently to try and shake him off.

“Shh, just let me touch you, okay?”

You look at him with wide eyes, terrified at his uncharacteristic behavior.

Now, Rafael was sniffing your hair as he pressed a finger against the edge of your hole.

You tried to shake your head, or open your mouth, or do anything, but you were paralyzed with fear.

“Don’t tell your mom about this, alright kiddo?” your stepdad says with a breathy whisper as he plunges two fingers deep into your hole, nudging your pleasurable spot.

You try to muffle a shriek as your stepdad clutches your body close to his so you can’t get away. He was older and bigger than you and doesn't hesitate to exert his power over you.

The change was like night and day. You'd always considered Mr. Barba to be your own father, as he was the closest thing you had to a dad.

"Da-ad— please, please stop!" you hiss, feeling his thick fingers plunge in and out of you, working to pleasure you like he knew you deserved.

"Nuh, uh, baby. I want to apologize for neglecting you. And all this time, I've had a cute little stepchild right under my nose just waiting to be used. I'm sorry it took me so long," he says with a chuckle, like this is all some sick joke.

"I-I think I'm g-gonna—" your breath hitches and Rafael immediately knows, can feel your orgasm about to hit you.

"Mhm, just focus on my fingers, mi amor. Daddy's gonna make you feel really, really good," he coos.

You gasp and suddenly you can feel your little hole throb, trying hard to push your stepdad's fingers out. You clutch him even closer and he pulls you tight into his chest. His scent filling your nose just as his fingers were filling you.

Everything feels muddy, slow, dark. Your dad slipping his fingers out, throwing the sheets over and licking your cum out of your hole. His gentle touches, little kisses, reassuring you of his love.

He is just dressing himself in his pajamas as your mom opens the front door. You can hear your mom talking to your little brother in a babyish voice.

"Remember, not a word to your mother. It's not like she'd believe you anyways," your stepdad laughs, pushing your face away before going into the living room, acting as if he hadn't just fingered his kid to orgasm.

"They're not feeling great, I let them sleep in our bed. Thought some pampering was in order for such a good kid," Rafael says, kissing Olivia on the cheek. It's the last thing you see before you pull the covers over your head and welcome the darkness.

[meaningofaeons]

Ehhh hi! I love your work so i wanted to ask for hcs with star rail men and kafka (choose whoever you want) with gn!reader or s/o who has a lot of childhood trauma. I mean brutal emotional and physical abuse from a really young age, a lot of scars, blood, sa, ect. How would (star rail character) react to s/o telling them about their past/ seeing s/o's scars? Pls angst🙏. If you dont like the request, just ignore this. Have a nice day/night! -anon

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ old scars die hard

⊹ character(s) - sampo koski, kafka, jing yuan ⊹ word count - 1.3k ⊹ notes - gn!reader, TW!! themes of abuse both emotional and physical, self-harm tendencies (not touched on as much but possibly implied?), etc. please read with caution and heed the warnings!!!

hi anon omg I hope you're okay (ﾐዎ ﻌ ዎﾐ)ﾉ I don't know whether this is personal to you and your experiences or not but regardless!! this req touched me I know it's been sitting in my ask box for a while but I wanted to do it proper justice. I love you anon and I hope you are doing well <3!!! thanks for the req!

⊹ Sampo Koski

He's not super concerned at first when he sees the first signs of scars

I mean, he's had his fair share of run-ins with disgruntled "customers". His scars are more numerous than yours, he'd assume.

That is, until he remembers you're not really in the same line of fire that he can typically find himself in

That's what gets him wondering.

Sampo's not really one to get into emotional vulnerability, and I don't think he'd ask you first

Unless of course, you started to gain new ones under his watch

If he's known you for a while, I feel like he'd have questioned it often until you told him to stop, and then he'd be kind of reluctant to bring it up again.

However, if you two are fairly new friends/partners, he'd dance around the issue but try to confront it regardless.

Especially if the abuse is current from people currently in your life or something you recently inflicted on yourself, he'd try to mention/address it in a roundabout way.

"That doesn't look so hot, Y/N! Might wanna see Miss Nat for it. What, you getting into the business of scam—aheh, I mean, customer service—too?"

Sampo tries to keep it light, but when he notices the way you tremble at the acknowledgement he makes of your wounds, his face crumples.

He's instantly apologizing, instantly doing anything to make you feel even a little better.

Offering to take you out to lunch, buy you something nice, or just get some takeout food and watch a show together.

I feel like Sampo, being relatively unequipped to seriously handle stuff like this (considering he's very much a humor-cope kind of person) would be especially frantic in trying to assuage your troubles

Whatever you want! Seriously, he'll bend over backwards for you, especially when you're vulnerable.

Sampo Koski may not be the most sensitive or empathetic, but he knows when to hold the quips and jokes.

He's a very good listener, though. It's honestly pretty shocking.

Now, Sampo's not much of a violent criminal.

Yes, he's a conman, but usually his plans involve escape over actual fighting back.

Still, when he hears about those who have made you suffer, he's not going to stand by.

In the cover of night, after tending to your wounds (both physical and emotional), he'd be off.

He won't kill them. But Sampo sure as hell will make sure they wouldn't even think of coming within five miles of you ever again.

And you'll never find out about it, either.

All that will happen is your life improving because your abuser will be out of it, and Sampo is perfectly content melding back into his usual joking self, bringing as much normalcy to your more peaceful life as he can.

⊹ Kafka

At first, I think Kafka sees your scars/wounds and is kind of... uninterested? Or perhaps less uninterested and more just unconcerned.

Sure, there's questions and thoughts to be had, but everyone has their pasts—especially those among the Stellaron Hunters.

However, over time and with careful, calm observation, Kafka notices more about you.

She takes a special interest in you that she doesn't quite hold with her other fellow Stellaron Hunters.

How you apologize endlessly over small mistakes...

Or even how you flinched back when Silver Wolf of all people got angry and shouted at one of her video games.

I mean, Silver Wolf! The smallest of the Stellaron Hunters—outside of her abilities in manipulating the data of reality and hacking, she physically couldn't hurt a fly.

So, Kafka takes matters into her own hands.

She's pretty upfront, seeing no reason in beating around the bush.

She was content before in letting it slide as "everyone has their secrets", but she eventually develops something akin to concern for your situation.

"Darling, I just had a few small questions for you... Don't feel pressured to answer if you're not inclined."

The second half of her sentence shocked her a bit.

She has abilities relating to hypnotic suggestion—if there's something she wanted to hear or know, there's no reason she couldn't acquire it. And if there's something she wanted someone to listen to and obey, she could do it with no questions from the other party.

So really, it was awe-inspiring that she afforded you the luxury of choice here.

After hearing what happened to you, Kafka is not the type to go on a vengeance-path.

She knows the past is the past, and that you're with the Stellaron Hunters now, so your abuser is long gone from reach.

I think Kafka mostly focuses on comforting you in the moment.

Especially if you're partners, she'd be very inclined to give you a shoulder to lean on, a person to cry to.

Kafka may seem flippant, but she holds a deep-seated affection for you and she treats your trauma with the utmost respect and seriousness it deserves.

She'd definitely get more protective of you after hearing your past.

As long as it's not against Elio's script, she's accompanying you on any mission you need to attend to.

And, well, if someone happens to trigger any unpleasant memories, be it a stranger or otherwise...

They're taken care of. Quietly.

⊹ Jing Yuan

Jing Yuan, teddy bear of a man he is, is likely the most forthcoming of the three about any scars he sees on you.

He's the General and goes into battle so that you don't have to get scars like his, and yet, what are these past wounds he sees on you?

The man isn't an idiot, though. He knows the circumstances behind them are likely far from pleasant.

He also knows how to treat a matter with the delicateness it requires.

"My dear... May I ask about that wound on your arm?"

So, so gentle.

He's already got you in his arms before you can say a word, cradling you gently and soothing you before you can get the story out.

Listens to every single word you have to say, only breaking your continuous sentences to hush you now and then and calm you down

Doesn't matter how much work he has to do, Jing Yuan would stay with you for hours or days on end to make sure you were okay

He, like Kafka, is not the type to be overly vengeful or seeking of retribution against those who hurt you.

Rather, he's more of the mindset that the best revenge is a life well-lived, and that's exactly how he intends to get back at your abusers—by making your life as wonderful as he can.

That's not to say he won't do anything, though.

If your abusers were still alive or around, he'd definitely pull some strings.

Nothing violent, of course, but the abuser(s) lives aboard the Xianzhou Luofu would never be peaceful again if he knew who they were.

Jing Yuan is more focused on you and your recovery.

If you ever feel like hurting yourself, or the past comes back to haunt you, he's dropping everything for your sake.

He doesn't just treat you like glass or tiptoe around you, though.

He knows how strong you are to have made it through such experiences and still be alive—to a long-lived species, it's especially admirable that one could sustain themselves through such things

As such, Jing Yuan respects you greatly. And he demands the same from others.

Not that he didn't already, being that you're his partner or closest friend (however you'd like to interpret, but he is most certainly in love with you!)

He's just more conscious of his own actions henceforth.

Jing Yuan wasn't the type to raise his voice or get visibly upset with you even in moments of disagreement or conflict, but he's especially more gentle after hearing your past.

The man is literally a walking green flag, I don't know what else to tell you!

[thecomfywriter]

What meaning does von doro have to you as the author? What insight would you like to share?

OOOO THIS IS INTERESTING. thank you for the ask, wyked! let's dive in!

day six of tcw's 12 days of askmas--the author's analysis of von doro [EXTREME SPOILERS TREAD WITH WARNING I HAVE NO FILTER RIGHT NOW]:

oh boy... i'm going to do one more disclaimer before i actually go on a tangent. it is past 12am, i'm listening to evan's playlist, and my filter is gone so let's see how yamble-y this gets.

DISLAIMER: I AM GOING TO BE GOING ON A TANGENT. BE WARNED FOR SPOILERS !!!

--

we're good? okay cool.

what does von doro mean to me as the author? there are so many ways i can interpret this question: her symbolism, her role in the narrative, the type of character she is, her archetype, her ending... everything. but if i had to summarize it into one word, i'd say this:

tragic.

von doro, in my opinion, is one of the biggest tragedies in the entire duology. more than alan. more than caramel. more than all of them. von doro was born and groomed from the very beginning to inherit a curse, and despite fulfilling her duties perfectly, she never got liberated from it in her lifespan. nothing about von doro's story is fair, to the point where it honestly pisses me off.

the more i think about her, especially the story from her perspective, the more AWFUL i feel for her. she was born for this role. locked away from society and trapped inside the volcano so she couldn't develop any attachments for anything, and she didn't accidentally disregulate her emotions. she had no social life. no forms of happiness. no family. no shot at ANYTHING. she just stayed locked away in the volcano for centuries. all with one task, which was to not let the volcano explode.

the smoke destroyed her lung and voice. the sounds of the gods in her head rattled her brain and made her lose her sense of reality. she forgot her own name at one point. she didn't see the sunset. didn't get to take a breath of fresh air. she didn't even get to see the kingdom she was born to protect. all the while, everyone curses her out as the "beast that threatens us with explosions".

and she does everything without complaint. she takes care of the cairoyas and the dragons. she raises those eggs and watches them from the distant shadows they cast over her den. occassionally, her jervees visit her, but no one ever stays. no one can.

that's why jer'vazir meant so much to her. he stayed. he visited. he helped her remember her name again. he helped her feel for once. and that was dangerous.

and then, the age of limiouses. it was glorious. it was a walk in the park. it was easy. life was getting easier. she was getting closer to liberation.

and then HILBERT.

THIS BRUIBIFNJF.

i can't even begin to describe how much of a villain i see hilbert as. because bro unravelled her entire life with his pride, arrogancy, and "ambition." he literally tore everything apart, brick by brick, piece by piece.

turned soilaila against her. caused riots and a civil war. don't even ask about the other limiouses. hunted down and massacred every single dragon. the last straw was killing the last dragon, then laughing in jer'vazir's face and telling him he did it "proudly".

she broke. the resolve of apathy she had mastered had been slowly crumbling with her new feelings, but the loss of all her dragons completely shattered her. and what was soilaila's response to her grief? to try and assasinate her.

CENTURIES of taking care of them. CENTURIES of protecting them. and the one goddamn time she breaks down, they freakin villainize her???

holy shit--the jervees and jer'vazir were the only people who tried to console her and show her compassion.

AND THEN HILBERT ATTACKS HER.

no wonder she snapped. i would have a long time prior.

AND THAT'S ONLY THE PRE-TOV LORE. HER ENDING UPSETS ME VISCERALLY.

i can't even say the ending of tov makes me happy. every thing that i thought i wanted from the ending just made me feel viscerally upset, dejected, and hollow, because that's the point. by the time you get to the point where you get the "aha! this person is finally getting punished," i no longer wanted her to be punished. at least, not like that?

i don't know bro... von doro's breakdown in sai really hurts my feelings. i can't tell you why. i just feel so deeply for her.

“So you think you can spear lightning at the beast who survived the volcano for three hundred years? Is that it, daara? You think the storms of the heavens hold a flame to the rage of the underworld?”

“Oh? And I am so selfish? [...] Three hundred years, daara! You say these pompous words now, but wait until the years tick by and you find an Apa you are willing to slaughter the world for! Wait until that curse steals them away from you and tortures you with isolation and betrayal! Wait until the clock ticks centuries by and you are stuck within the same walls, quelling the same voices that drive you insane, reaching for the same happiness you were never entitled to, [REDACTED]! [...] This place destroys you, daara. It turns you vile, and lonely, and desperate to leave. But no… You are so much more noble than I, that of course you would have just gambled away your freedom and your chance to live and rest in peace if I had just asked you to. Like you were not seeking out death to escape pain only an hour ago. [...] Oh please, daara. Give me a break.”

is this... a sai excerpt?

yes.

you're welcome.

--

as for insight as the author? i'll say this:

von doro represents the cyclic nature of vengeance. the entire curse reflects it, but also her entire cycle of revenge with hilbert.

hilbert was acting in revenge -> he attacks the dragons -> the dragons death cause von doro's grief -> the explosions -> hilbert attacks von doro for the explosions -> he triggers the full extent of her wrath -> the incident -> half of soilaila dies + magic ban -> alan seeking vengeance

and it just keeps continuing. she is a tragedy, but worse than that, she is the generational cycle of suffering passed onto the next. misery who wants company.

thanks for the ask, wyked!

-- the holiday limited-edition tag list --

@wyked-ao3 @an-indecisive-nerd @drchenquill

@paeliae-occasionally @theink-stainedfolk @inseasofgreen

@thelovelymachinery @the-letterbox-archives @illarian-rambling

@bunnymermaidwrites @the-golden-comet @sm-writes-chaos

@leahnardo-da-veggie @corinneglass

[please tell me if you don't wanna be tagged i promise i will stop 🥺]

[thatgoblin]

Summary: When John goes on a cattle run, you and Simon get some time to get closer.

Warnings: Past sexual harassment, smooches, cuddles.

“What is she doing?” I mumbled, watching the movie on the TV. “How is that even comfortable to stand like that in heels?”

“I don’t think it is comfortable, Sweetheart,” Simon said, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl in my lap. “It probably feels like she’s walking on glass. The woman deserves an Oscar for acting through the pain.”

“Really.” 

Simon was the only one home with me for a week and a half. John had to haul some cattle across the damn country with a friend, only known as Soap from what I had gathered, of theirs to make sure they got the best prices from a buyer in Texas. I hated that he’d be gone for so long, but I also knew that it meant we’d get a big paycheck and would keep bills at bay another month or two longer. That was something no one really talked about with ranches and farms. There were so many bills ranging from utilities to taxes that you’d think we were making bank with the herefords that we sold. If anything it just barely got us by. 

But that was the other thing about owning and working a ranch or a farm. You didn’t do it for the money, you did it because it was what you loved. It was because we loved the life we were living that the money didn’t matter so long as we could make our bills on time. It didn’t leave much room for big vacations or big toys that some, much larger, ranchers had. We didn’t need those though. We were happy spending our evenings together in front of the TV after a long day of working while laying with each other. 

It had been nearly three weeks since I’d arrived and I had settled even more. There was no more hiding emotions or ducking affection. I talked out my feelings and even gave my own touches of affection. In getting more comfortable with the two Alphas, I began to let down my guard more and more. To the point that we even walked around in towels. Only towels.

I wasn’t ready to take that next step of plain ol’ nudity, but I did enjoy watching John in his towel that skirted above his knees. He was strong and hairy, his arms and legs covered in dark sandy hair that didn’t do a thing to hide the very solid muscles that let him easily carry Simon around as much as he liked. My favorite part was his belly. It wasn’t flat or chiseled, but a healthy bit of roundness to it while having soft hair trail down to his groin. He looked breathtaking with his freckles from being out in the sun so much, as well as  a few scars kissing over his belly and back. On warmer nights like that night, before fall was really taking hold, they’d both sit on the sofa with no shirt on while I was in short shorts and a tank top.

And Simon. That man was much larger than his clothes made him look. Covered in tattoos, not just his arms, he was nearly completely covered from his ankles to his neck His arms and legs were just as thick as John’s were, giving them equal power to pick me up to throw me on their shoulders. I always complained and swatted at them, but I actually didn’t mind. Not that I’d tell either of them that. While emotions were more readily displayed, I was not ready to actually work with my attraction to them. They were handsome Alphas and I was lucky they were just as sweet and caring, but I had never had a romantic partner, let alone kissed anyone. 

Until I figured out how to actually go about flirting, I was not going to pursue anything else. 

“Do lines like those really work?” I asked, staring at the TV with a frown as an actor gave an actress some cheesy pick up line that she giggled at. 

“They might get a laugh at least,” Simon said. “But they don’t really work. I’m sure you’ve heard your fair share of bullshit lines growing up from the Alphas and Betas.”

“I guess,” I said, not really remembering any lines like in the TV show. Usually it had been along the lines of the kids making fun of me for being an Omega, but I would then beat the snot out of them. When I got older, the teasing turned sexual and there wasn’t much courting happening till after high school. Even then, most of the time the Alphas and Betas that tried would just come up to me to say they thought I would be a good Omega for their pack and that we should mate. There wasn’t a lot of romance like the TV shows. 

“What’s the worst line you’d ever gotten when someone tried to court you?” Simon asked, turning from the TV to look at me. He shifted in his seat fully to face me, propping his face up on his fist with his elbow on the back of the couch.

“Uh. . . Probably the one I got from Matt Keller in my freshman year of college,” I said. “He basically just told me he wanted to see my stomach swell with his babies.”

“Fuckin’ hell,” Simon groaned, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I broke his nose,” I said with a smirk. 

“Good. He deserved worse, but at least you gave him a taste of it,” Simon said with a nod. “Was there any courting that you thought maybe someone could actually be a decent person?”

“Not really. It was a small town and I was the only Omega. Not a lot of people really cared how I felt or what I wanted, so I just ignored just about every person who tried to “court” me because it wasn’t really courting. It was just a proposition to be a mate or the Omega of a pack, which neither interested me and I made sure everyone knew it. Not that it stopped them from continually trying,” I said with a shrug. “I didn’t get to go to house parties or prom or sleepovers because I wasn’t allowed to. Partially because my parents didn’t want me to come home knocked up and partially because none of the other parents wanted me around. I always caused trouble by getting in fights, even if it was to defend myself. They didn’t see it as being a proper Omega.”

“So, no magical kiss with a prom date under the stars while necking in the front seat of your El Camino?” Simon asked with a raised brow.

“That’s strangely specific, but no. I did not. I stayed at home and worked on school. It was all I had really and I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to take it away,” I said. “I wanted to work on my dad’s cattle ranch. I wanted to run it, so I didn’t really make time for finding actually good romance or friendships really. . . That’s kinda sad, isn’t it?”

“Naw,” Simon said with a chuckle. “Things have changed. Despite your experience in the small town sphere, Omegas have more freedom of open choices in the bigger cities around the world. You would be able to go to college without Matt Keller giving you that horrific pick up line. Which means, no awkward flirting and courting that is.” 

“Oh yeah?” I asked, setting the bowl of mostly corn kernels on the floor before moving to put a foot in his lap and letting him do the same with me. Well, my foot was in his lap, half his leg was in mine. The man was long. “No cheesy one-liners from you or John about how you can make my night wild?” I asked with a giggle as I began to rub his foot while he rubbed mine. 

“Sweetheart, you’ve seen our wild nights,” Simon said with a smirk. “The most wild we get is changing our sleep spots.”

“Then am I really missing out on anything?” I asked. “I mean, we kinda skipped the whole courting process. Save for being bonded and legally married, there’s not a lot of reason to use those one liners.” 

“Would you really want them anyways?” He asked.

“Not really,” I said after a moment of thought. “I’d rather have this honestly. It’s easier and feels like a more solid foundation than just courting a few weeks then bonding. At least this way, I actually get to know you and John and you get to know me. We’re not strangers just forced together because of our sex organs. . . Even if it did kind of start out that way.”

“Do you like what we have going on?” Simon asked, his fingers working my arch. “This whole situation of us together without the sex organs part?”

“I do. I mean, it helps that I don’t have heats, but I figured before this you and John. . . You know, ‘took care of each other’ for that stuff,” I said, looking down at Simon’s foot as my cheeks heated up a bit. 

“Now what do you mean by that?” Simon asked, snickering as he tickled the sole of my foot a moment. I nearly kicked him in the face as I gasped and glared. 

“Do NOT do that, Simon Riley,” I snapped, jerking my foot back hard. “You know I’m ticklish as hell on my feet! And you know what I mean.”

“I’m going to need you to explain this one to me,” Simon said, giving me a devilish smirk, letting me settle my leg before going back to rubbing my foot. For as serious as he could be sometimes, Simon was a bit of a teaser that would always get me when I wasn’t expecting it.

“You’re seriously making me do this?” I asked with a huff as he wiggled his foot in my hand. “Fine. I assumed before I moved in that you and John. . . Did stuff. . .”

“Like?” Simon asked, egging me on. 

“Like sex, okay?” I grunted, rolling my eyes. “I figured you two had sex with each other before this.”

“Was that so hard?” He asked with a grin. “And yes, for the record we did. Still do when you’re busy with something and we’re alone.”

“What!?” I cried. “How!?”

“Well, when one Alpha and another Alpha love each other VERY much-”

“Oh shut up, I know how sex works,” I said, slapping his calf playfully. “I meant how are you having sex and I’m not noticing?”

“You are surprisingly good at focusing on chores and don’t seem to question us spending a lot of time in the barn with the horses,” Simon said with a chuckle. 

I sat there in stunned silence as Simon grinned at me. It took a moment for me to soak in the realization of how dopey I felt that I had missed that giant indicator. It all added up and I was none the wiser till Simon had to spell it out for me. 

“In case you’re wondering, we made sure that we could work around you till you were ready or if you’d ever be ready,” Simon said, his fingers digging into the ball of my foot to get my attention. 

“Ready? For what?” I asked, suddenly finding myself lost and flustered. 

“You really don’t know how to flirt or have a conversation about this stuff, do you?” He asked as I kept staring at him with a slight frown. 

“About sex? Absolutely not, I was lucky I learned anything from sex ed in school. . . and that’s not what you’re talking about,” I said, groaning as Simon laughed at me finally catching up. “Look, I’m not on the up and up about sex and romance, give me a break.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll be nice,” Simon said with a hum. “But as I was saying, we were working around you. We didn’t want to force anything or make you uncomfortable. That didn’t mean we were going to go celibate though.”

“Understandable, if not reminding me how oblivious I can be sometimes,” I said with a nod. 

“No problem,” Simon said with a hum. “But now I’m curious, have you ever had sex or fooled around before?” He asked.

“Absolutely not,” I said with a snort. “I never understood the appeal of it the way it was shown to me. Rough and claiming, just doing it because of the excuse that it was a base instinct for everyone. I mean, I never wanted to be with someone like that. Someone that only wanted the knot and didn’t care about much else in sex. I’ve read more sex positive books about Omegas and figuring out what worked for them, but I just. . . I didn’t feel safe to experiment with anyone, let alone kiss anyone.”

“Well, if it helps, I know two Alphas who would happily volunteer to help you experiment,” Simon said, raising a brow and smirking. Oh no. Oh fuck no. That was a face of his that I could not look at without blushing because it was plain as day that he was getting ready to get cheeky with John or me. 

“I’m sure you do,” I said, clearing my throat to look away towards the TV. My hands idly kept working his foot, but Simon’s hands were being evil. They slowly slid up my calf and began pulling me towards him. I was determined to ignore him though, sitting up straight and rigid as he managed to pull me halfway into his lap after pulling his own foot away. “Can I help you, sir? I’m trying to watch TV,” I said, as he settled me with my back to his chest, keeping my gaze forward and not on Simon. 

“I just want to give my friend a hug,” he said, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close to his bare chest. The skin to skin contact felt nice and before I realized it, I was turning my head to scent his chest as I purred. “Have you really never been kissed before?” 

“I mean, by relatives,” I said.

“I meant romantically,” Simon sighed softly, looking down and nosing at my hair. 

“Yeah,” I said, looking up at him. “Never been kissed. Most I’ve done is with you and John by sleeping in the same bed and holding hands.”

“Would you like to be kissed?” He asked. I had to think about that. It was everywhere on TV, in schools with young couples, people on dates, but I didn’t know if I wanted it. 

“What’s it like? Romantically?” I asked, moving to sit in his lap side saddle so I could see him.

“It’s like you’re closer than a hug,” he said, his thumb stroking my arm as he took a moment to think of his words. “It feels nice. It’s as if you’re connecting to the person on a deeper level. It’s hard to describe really.”

“Closer than a hug, but not as close as sex,” I said, trying to help. 

“Basically. It’s something you have to experience for yourself. I know that some of my favorite memories of me and John are us kissing. Just kissing. Nothing leading up to anything, just us curled up together like this and kissing. One time we were in line for a concert in the rain and we did our best to wait it out, but the bar closed it off because they were at capacity,” Simon said, looking at the TV as he remembered the details of that night. He had a smile on his face, a fondness of the story he was telling coming through. “We were mad because we had been in line for so long and were on a short leave between our military work, but after a minute it didn’t matter because the place was quickly shut down for being over crowded. Even if we had made it in, we would have still been kicked out. 

So, we cut our losses and ran back to the truck. We were both soaking wet and it had to be nearly freezing. After we get into the truck and I turn it on, our heavy breathing fogs up the windows so we have to wait for the heat to kick in. John said something about it being a sign, but I just blew it off. He was more cautious back then. We were. . . Hell, I think we were 23 or so when this happened. I asked him what kind of sign it was. He said it was a sign that we were supposed to be together. Apparently concerts getting canceled and freezing rain meant long love signs,” Simon chuckled.

“We got the truck going, we defrosted, so we headed out. We were probably about 10 minutes from home when the truck slid into a ditch. I was going maybe 20 miles an hour, but the curve of the road had us sliding so slowly that we just sat there holding on as we came to a stop. John said it was another sign, I said he was being stupid, but as we were about to pull back out a lorry truck came sliding past us, barely missing the truck then kept going. John and I sat there for nearly half an hour till the rain had stopped and a salt truck drove by. I managed to get us back on the road and made it home safely.”

“Where’s the kiss?” I asked, frowning. I had been waiting for that part specifically. Was it a rain drenched kiss or maybe one by the fireplace where they laid together to warm up? I was invested and needed to know. “You were telling a story about you and John kissing.”

“Was I?” Simon asked, a smirk playing on his lips. 

“You’re a horrible man,” I huffed, rolling my eyes at him. He laughed, shaking his head at me before continuing the story.

“We got home, walked inside, looked at each other for a moment before we held each other close. It was our first real date and our first real brush with death off the battlefield,” Simon said after a few beats of silence. I knew they were retired military, it wasn’t hard to figure that out after seeing dog tags and the gear they had with them. But I never asked about their time in the service or pushed about it. I thought that if they wanted to talk about it, they would. “We kissed each other when we laid in bed, holding on to one another like we might drift away. There had been kisses before, but that one. . . That was our first kiss as a couple. We were together for the first time officially and weren’t hiding it.”

“That’s really sweet,” I said, smiling at him. “It was a relief for you both, then. The kiss, that is. After everything, you could still kiss one another.”

“I guess you’re right,” Simon said, that fondness back in his face. “I kiss him good morning and goodnight every day, but those small moments are my favorite.” 

“I want that,” I said, looking forward as I rested my head on his chest. “Small moments of connection with someone. I want that.”

“That’s something that John and I can offer you, if you want it from us,” Simon said, nuzzling the top of my head. “We want to give you that. We want to be that for you.” 

It was another door to step through, a choice to make on where I wanted this relationship to go. I wanted it. I wanted them. 

Looking up, I nosed at Simon’s cheek as I moved to straddle his lap. We went slow, his arms holding me as I shook a little. Scared and excited as we just shared the same space. 

“I’ve gotcha, Sweetheart,” Simon said softly before he pressed his lips to mine. 

COD Masterlist

Welcome Home Masterlist

Taglist: @birdstoprey @sebbytheraccoon @pricescigar @alwaysshallow @sleepydang @lexi-zsy09 @ghostlywhiskey @ghosts-cyphera @poohkie90 @neothewitch @shadofireshinobi @sadslasher13 @0alk0msan @xaestheticalien

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[amethystina]

I am intrigued by all the wips honestly. Anything you give us will be amazing, I have no doubt.

I will ask about Thou Shalt Not Covet tho because it is completed.

And I LOVE the How To Build a Family for Dummies title lmao. If you feel that it fits the story, you don't have to change it imo 😆

Also, I have to ask about your health. I hope you're doing well these days and that you're getting better. If not, don't push yourself too hard. Take care of yourself either way 💜

No pressure x'D

Jokes aside: thank you 💜 I'm very flattered that a lot of you have such faith in me and my writing.

Thou Shalt Not Covet was something I wrote in a feverish haze about a week ago because I was high-key panicking over not having been able to draw or write in what felt like forever and my brain just latched on to that story. Which wasn't at all what I had planned but, apparently, what I needed at the time, so I try not to hold it against myself.

It's basically a fic about Ga On being a raging ball of jealousy for 10k straight.

... or gay, I guess?

So the title is a bit misleading since there is actually A LOT of coveting going on. Coveting of Yo Han, to be more specific.

Ga On you little sinner you.

And it's 10k before editing, I should say. Because since I wrote it with a fever, I'll probably have to add a bit as I edit. Understandably, I tend to miss a lot of details when I'm too feverish. The fic is set just before Kim Choong Sik's first trial, so around episode 10. Which means I'm going to have to add a couple of warnings because Yo Han does not play fair. Whenever I write Yo Han as he was during the drama I'm reminded of how far he's come in Who Holds the Devil because dear LORD is he a manipulative asshole in this one x'D

So yeah. Jealous!Ga On and a Yo Han who doesn't pull his punches. A recipe for disaster, in other words. But they work it out eventually.

Here's a snippet from the beginning of the story (though unedited so there might be changes before it's posted)

---

Ga On had never understood how utterly devastating jealousy could be until he felt it — truly felt it — for the first time.

If asked, he would have said he wasn't a jealous person. He may have felt a burst of it once or twice as he and Soo Hyun had grown up — whenever another boy had shown an interest in her — but it had faded just as quickly as it had flared up. Perhaps because, deep down, Ga On had known that Soo Hyun only had eyes for him.

There was no need for him to feel jealous since the odds of him losing Soo Hyun to another were slim.

And, in hindsight, that must have lulled Ga On into a false sense of security, giving him the impression that he wasn't the jealous type. That he was calm and rational enough not to get upset, and knew how to handle the surge of emotions that might occur. Not realizing that what he'd felt at the time wasn't jealousy — or at least not the true depth of what he was actually capable of feeling.

Ga On had underestimated his own possessiveness.

And it wasn't until he met Kang Yo Han that Ga On knew true jealousy.

His first clue that he'd misjudged himself should have been his inexplicable desire to remain within Yo Han's orbit despite having numerous reasons to stay away. All Ga On wanted was to keep pushing closer, to keep proving himself, to keep asking for that intoxicating attention that crackled like electricity down his spine. He may not want to name what he was experiencing — instinctively shying away from a revelation he knew would change his life beyond what he was ready to deal with, finding comfort in denial — but he still craved the rush it gave him. He couldn't help wanting more.

His second clue should have been his own reaction as he'd watched Jung Sun Ah fuss with Yo Han's tie during their photo shoot.

The anger Ga On had felt in that moment — curling black and vicious inside his chest — had been an overreaction of the kind that should have given him pause. But, somehow, it hadn't. Somehow, Ga On hadn't even registered it as something out of the ordinary. Some part of him had even felt justified in his anger.

As if he had a right to feel that possessive over his chief.

But the rational part of Ga On knew that he didn't. He may be sleeping in Yo Han's house and helping him with his mission to upend the world as they knew it, but they were still nothing more than coworkers.

Yo Han had never promised him anything.

---

Expect jealousy, anger, and a bit of angst. Because Ga On has abandonment issues and it actually hits pretty hard when he starts suspecting that he's not so special to Yo Han after all...

As for How to Build a Family For Dummies, the title doesn't fit the vibe AT ALL which is why I'm calling it a working title for now. It just sounds way too cute and cheerful for the actual theme and content of the story x'D But more about that in another reply since I got a specific ask about it!

Aaaaand when it comes to my health, things are really bad, unfortunately. The kind of bad I haven't had since January, with daily exhaustion fevers and lack of focus. And it's probably not going to get better anytime soon since the main cause is related to something outside of my control that will most likely take months to fix. So it's really just a matter of me trying to hold on as long as I can and, if I'm lucky, I won't break completely before I reach the other side. I guess we'll see?

Anyhow! Thank you so much for the concern and the lovely ask. You take care of yourself too 💜

WIP Tag Game

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 16

welcome the the sixteenth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.  

1. home depot catalogue by @moonguilt

“No, really, he’d love to,” Lance said into the phone, just as Keith pressed the button for the kettle to start heating up.

Those words were enough to raise Keith’s suspicions just a tad. He shot Lance an inquisitive glance while opening the cabinet to retrieve his box of morning tea, but his husband was the picture of innocence, flipping casually through a Home Depot catalog they had received in the mail yesterday.

“Oh, definitely. If you need someone to paint your insides white, Keith’s your man.”

Keith dropped his box on the counter, tea bags spilling out onto the granite.

-----

Keith is having a normal, relaxing morning. Lance throws him a curveball.

this one made me LAUGH. out LOUD. it’s domestic and fluffy and FUNNY dear god, like it’s such a lance thing to do and such an objectively funny prank that i just!! literally just typing this makes the urge to reread it too great my hand has been forced.

2. kindling by @moonguilt

Lance struggles with his attraction to Keith during training, and it all comes to a head when Keith corners him afterwards to ask why he was off his game today.

Prompt from tumblr: Angry Kiss.

one of my fave vld tropes EVER is lance being whipped and then equally as furious that he’s attracted to keith at all. it’s endlessly funny to me. and then keith being the eyebrows raised, not surprised one??? gets me every time. also keith is a massive sweetheart in this fic and i love him

3. chocolate granola bars by @moonguilt

“A pillow fort sleepover!” Lance cried out, leaping up with such alacrity that Pidge had to grab her laptop to prevent it from sliding to the floor.

“No way, we're not—” Pidge stopped and blinked, exchanging a glance with Hunk, then looking back at Lance again. “... Oh.” She evidently had not been expecting such a tame suggestion. “Okay.”

-------------

Or, Lance is bored out of his mind and decides to organize a sleepover with the squad. Nonsense ensues, and Lance works through some confusing emotions—particularly those involving a certain mullet-haired team leader.

okay there are too many good things about this fic i cannot choose which to highlight, and so i will mention them all. ahem: a) lance is a ray of sunshine who regularly uses his power of cuteness to his advantage, b) adorable team bonding, c) shiro is a dorky nerd, d) HEALTHY LANCE AND ALLURA COMMUNICATION, e) krolia and romelle have actual characters, f) lance has allergies which isn’t rly important but he gives me a vibe that he’s allergic to several things and it’s very validating to see it in fic, g) lance validation and feeling expression for the piece of shit game show episode, h) observant lance!! and i) literally the most painful and necessary and well-written klance fight i’ve read in a while! hurt badly but was resolved wonderfully 10/10

4. Terminal Velocity by @speakswords [GORE WARNING]

The only fate worse than being tortured to death is watching, helpless, while the person you love most takes your place.

this is one of my fave vld fics of all time. although fair warning it is very violent for a good chunk of time. the story is EXCELLENT, the entire thing will have u biting ur nails in terrified anticipation and i mean that literally. whole time i was gagged. at the edge of my seat. AND i have several specific lines screenshotted bc the pure fucking devotion and care knocked me out of the water

5. you and me are cosmic dust by Yuu_chi

Knowing that your team loves and trust you no matter what and believing it are two very different things.

i LOVE keith angst. i know this fandom is very langst heavy and honestly i am too but sometimes keith angst is so so good. and this fic is one of them!! excellent read and features observant lance as well. OH and there’s a little sprinkling of suave keith in here too lol

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!    

[drjohndisco]

Unexpected Confession

Pairing: Basil/Jack (+ Sprig)

Rating: M

Warnings: suggestive language/sexual innuendos, swearing, kiss descriptions, implications of past (non-consensual) mind reading.

Word Count: 1k+

Summary: Jack has a meeting he needs to get to, and Sprig ruins a quiet moment (as per usual.)

Notes:

1) I'm finally done!!! Woohoo!! (<- note from a guy who hyper-focused on this piece more than he probably should have.)

2) I haven't written dual perspective in ages, so I have no idea if this actually worked or not. Also, yes, I am aware that neither Basil's or Sprig's lore hasn't been explained (yet), please just roll with it. (The most important things here are that Basil (who is an alien with low level empathic abilities) works on site as a computer tech/on-call scientist, and that Sprig (a sentient mass of plant tendrils with eyes, but no visible mouth) can feel/always know of Basil’s location — due to previous shenanigans.)

[ Basil's lab - 18:00 ]

Basil

‘What do you want? I already thanked you for getting me out of jail.’ Basil asked, looking up at Jack, who was standing on the other side of the table. He was exhausted, and not particularly in the mood to talk to anyone. ‘Please, just go away. ’

‘No, I won’t. Because then I wouldn’t be a very good friend.’ Jack replied, sitting down on the chair across from him. Basil’s chest ached at the usage of the word friend, but he avoided the sensation. ‘You’ve been here for hours, go and get some rest. The base can keep ticking along without you.’

‘Sure,’ Basil laughed derisively. ‘And fish on your planet have wings!’

‘Uh, actually…’ Jack started. ‘There is a species that….’

‘Don’t fact check me.' Basil groaned. ‘It’s bad enough when Daniel’s around.’

'Fair enough.' Jack conceded.

Then Jack’s pager beeped - making him pull it from his pocket and look down at the message.

‘Oh, great! Another meeting’s been scheduled for about ten minutes from now.’ He complained, looking back up at Basil.

'What's this one for?'

‘Apparently they still need me to tie up some loose ends in terms of this whole attempted murder situation of yours.' Jack said, standing and pushing his chair away.

'How fun!' Basil intoned sarcastically. Then their eyebrows crinkled in confusion. ‘Aren’t you going to leave? You know what you’re like with time.’

'Just follow me to the doorway and I'll quit buggin' you.' Jack explained, beckoning him forward.

'Is that an order, Sir?'

'It is.' Jack stated, before turning and beginning to walk out.

'Fine.’ Basil grumbled, taking some of the paperwork from the table and putting it into their lap, turning the chair to the left. Then they begrudgingly scuffed it along the ground, following Jack. ‘Are you happy now?’

'Sure.' Jack replied, but stopped and looked back at Basil from the doorway.

‘What?’ Basil questioned.

‘You’re not going to kiss me goodbye before I go?’

It was a friendly jibe, and rationally Basil knew this, but that didn't stop him from pulling Jack down by his lapels - kissing him hard.

‘Damn.’ Jack murmured admirably under his breath, hands finding their way into Basil's hair.

Shocked by Jack's unanticipated reciprocation (and the strong emotions that came with it) Basil broke the kiss.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Come on, fucking think of something!

‘That….was a one time thing,’ Basil said after a moment - in an awkward attempt to deflect from the situation at hand. ‘Now, I’m just going to go and give these…to someone else who may need them.’

Basil then quickly picked all of the papers up and stood -- not particularly caring whether Jack was even listening to him -- before walking (as calmly as they possibly could) past Jack and out of the door.

Jack

Jack absentmindedly pressed a hand to his lips, as he watched Basil go.

Did I do something wrong?

Then, quietly, Sprig chuckled. Hearing this Jack closed his eyes in desperation.

Of course we had an onlooker.

(But, there’s nothing I can do about that now.)

‘He’s dropped all of those and is running for the lift, isn’t he?’ Jack sighed, not even bothering to look for Sprig (who was currently attached to the outside of Basil’s empty desk plant pot.)

‘Yes, he is.’ Sprig replied. ‘Go and get your bitch, Colonel.'

[ Basil's lab - 18:05 ]

Basil

'Hey,' Jack said gently, as he shut the door behind him. ‘Can we talk?’

…How on earth did he get down here so fast?

The base elevators can’t be that good, can they?

'What is there to talk about?' Basil snapped, as Jack strode over and sat down on their bed across from them. ‘I’m the one that screwed up, just go to your meeting and leave me alone!'

He's too close, I feel like I’m going to vibrate out of my skin.

'I can't, I postponed it.' Jack replied. 'It'll happen tomorrow now.'

'Is that supposed to make me feel better?' Basil retorted.

'No, and I didn't expect it to.' Jack admitted. 'But that's not the point! The point here is that I'm sorry, Basil.'

‘Well, you shouldn’t be!’ Basil said, voice quavering. 'I've ignored what you obviously feel for Sam! That line shouldn't have been crossed!'

‘Damn it, B!’ Jack groaned, exasperatedly raking a hand through his hair. ‘Don't you get it? You're not Carter - and I don't want you to be! My feelings for her don’t affect my feelings for you! Our kiss should have told you that!'

Oh.

'I’m an idiot.’ Basil muttered.

‘Is that supposed to be news to me?’ Jack teased.

‘Oh, do shut up.’ Basil said, before bridging the gap between them; so that they were standing between Jack's legs, hands resting against his hips.

Jack

Jack, to his surprise, found that he had indeed done as instructed. 

(There was no sarcastic remark on his tongue, for once.)

‘May I?’ Basil asked. ‘Kiss you, that is?’

‘Yes, please do.' Jack replied, voice uncharacteristically shaky.

Then, before Jack could blink, Basil had shifted their hands - lifting his head and cupping his face - subsequently initiating a second (and far more passionate kiss).

Closing his eyes Jack kissed them back fervently; wrapping his arms around Basil’s waist to hold them steady as he pulled them closer, before slowly reaching up and snaking a hand into their hair.

Oh, I never want to let them go.

Basil

Eventually, after what seemed like a mere blip in time to Basil, they pulled away from Jack slightly – moving so that their forehead rested against his.

Fuck, this man can kiss! 

(I feel like I'm on fire!)

'Are you okay?' Jack questioned, looking up at Basil.

'Yeah, I'm fine, just a bit tingly.' Basil replied. 'But that will pass.'

'Aw, I'm flattered I could make you feel that way.' Jack joked.

Basil opted to not dignify that with a response.

Then, suddenly, Sprig wolf whistled loudly - shattering the silence.

(He had apparently been watching from a spot on Basil’s bookcase, unnoticed, for some time.)

Startled by this noise Basil let go of Jack and fell backwards, landing on the carpet with a loud thud (and a muffled yelp.)

[ 18:07 ]

Jack

'Oh, fuck me!' Basil cursed angrily, sitting up and hitting the carpet with his fist.

‘Woah, hold your horses, cowboy!’ Jack laughed, as he leaned forward and offered a hand to help them. ‘At least let me buy you a drink first.'

‘Jack, you know that’s not what I meant.' Basil said, grabbing hold of Jack's hand – using him to slowly return to a standing position.

'Honey, are you sure about that?’ Sprig taunted, sliding across the floor so he was positioned next to Basil. 'I've been inside your mind, and, honestly, some of your thoughts made even me blush. Which, if you think about it, is quite a high bar.'

'Sprig, stop being an ass!' Jack yelled, interrupting him.

In response Sprig poked his tongue out at Jack, annoyed.

'Very mature.' Jack said, in a voice reminiscent of a tired father. 'What are you, twelve?’

‘I’m far older than that, but I doubt your tiny brain could comprehend my true age. It'd explode before you even got close.’ Sprig replied, snidely. 

'Oh, well done.' Jack goaded. 'Took you a long time to come up with that, did it?'

'Actually, now that I think about it, it is the one advantage your lover here has over you.' Sprig continued, ignoring Jack's comment. 'Although so far it doesn't seem to be doing Basil any good. They did fall for you, after all.'

Jack opened his mouth to reply, but stopped when he noticed the icy look in Basil's eyes.

'Huh. I didn't peg you as being the submissive type, Jack...' Sprig sneered. 'Basil, on the other hand, however...'

Basil

‘Sprig, if you don't shut up soon, I'll go and get the wood chipper!’ Basil threatened.

'Oh no, so frightening! However shall I go on?' Sprig responded, raising a tendril to where Basil assumed his chest should be, and gasping mockingly. 'Goodbye, cruel world!

Then he disappeared with a pop, showering Basil with leaves.

‘Well someone must have woken up on the wrong side of the flower bed this morning.’ Jack noted, after a beat.

'Oh, you didn't...' Basil groaned, shaking their head to remove the debris. ‘I think that may have been one of the cheesiest things I have ever heard you say.'

'It's all part of my charm, sweetheart.' Jack replied, grinning. 'I know you love me for it.'

Yes, Jack.

(Yes, I do.)

[yanderes-galore]

Fandom: rottmnt

Character: Yan!Romantic!Donnie vs Yan!Romantic!April

Pairing: Romantic Rivalry thing

Type of fic: HCs

Sure! I just found out while doing my research that Donnie is born in the same year as me 🤭 It was cool to know! Anyways, just warning that it's been awhile since I've seen ROTTMNT so things may be off :(

Yandere! Donnie vs Yandere! April

(Rise of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Pairing: Romantic - Rivalry

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Jealousy, Implied clingy behavior, Manipulation, Stalking, Trackers, Invasion of privacy, Kidnapping mention, Implied protective behavior, Forced relationship implied.

These two are such a duo.

They both share similarities to each other yet are also different.

For example, April is more mature and responsible than Donnie.

Both of them are rather persistent when it comes to pursuing a darling although I feel April is the one that cares for your well-being the most.

As much as I enjoy Donnie I feel he's probably more selfish and less empathetic to your complaints about his behavior.

Meanwhile April actually listens to your fears and opinions and tries to better herself for her darling.

Now it's time to talk about how you meet.

You could meet either of them first but you'd meet the other shortly after.

If you met April first, which is the more likely option since you're both humans, then you'd meet Donnie when she feels you're ready to meet the turtles.

If you met Donnie first then he most likely drags you along to hang out with him and April at some point.

The two can be very similar to each other at times, like the fact they're both adrenaline junkies and often want to help each other.

The two are fantastic friends yet there may be some strain the moment they realize they both love you.

Donnie tries to hide the fact he has a crush on you, pulling the whole "emotionless" card.

Although it's difficult to hide the fact he gets so excited around you, often stalking your socials and gushing about you to himself.

April disguises her crush on you as just being a caring friend.

She listens to your problems and offers help.

She sticks by you, texts your often, and is very considerate of your emotions.

They most likely find out they like the same person by accident.

Donnie finds out about it by using his machines to stalk you... immoral, sure, but he now knows you and April are a bit too close.

April finds out soon after when she realizes Donnie now acts suspicious and accusatory towards her.

The two have had their arguments in the past, although this rivalry they have sparks more.

Donnie can't believe it, how could April do this to him!?

You and him are meant to be together!

He had it planned! He literally made so much tech to track you and watch your every move... he knows so much about you!

How could April compete with him?

April knows her fair share about you, not really needing to go to cyberstalking territory.

She does have an advantage to Donnie.

She's around you during the day.

She takes pride in the fact she's able to be around you more often.

She is more attuned to your feelings than Donnie.

Donnie struggles with personal connections at times, as a yandere he may neglect your emotions at times.

April dedicates herself to making her darling happy and loved.

She prefers to avoid kidnapping and saves violence for when she really needs to use it.

While Donnie is actually a bit sadistic at times and would definitely kidnap you.

The two care for each other but anger tends to bubble up when they bring you up in conversation.

You don't quite understand their rivalry.

Perhaps it's just a friendly competition they're upset over?

If only you knew.

I have a feeling these two would somehow accidentally confess at the same time.

Like Donnie has it all planned but April has too/wants to sabotage him.

Donnie is certainly the more clingy yandere who always wants to be involved and acknowledged by you.

Meanwhile April is more lucid and is willing to back off just enough to make you comfortable, but won't leave you alone fully.

If Donnie jumps the gun and tries to kidnap you to win you over, April will just use it against him since you'd be more willing to think of her as normal.

Although Donnie could always make up some rumors about April and get you to believe them....

There's lots of sabotage, lots of tensions, lots of manipulation, yet hopefully minimal violence.

I can't really see them getting into a brutal altercation with each other.

They still care for each other.

In fact, they respect the fact they have similar tastes...

However, one of them has to drop you.

They know only one of them can have you, yet they both want you.

The competition between them drones on and on... growing more tense as the days pass.

Donnie feels like he's about to lose it.

April is nervous about even bringing you to see the turtles anymore.

The others (Leo, Raph, Mikey) actually wonder why you and April don't come over as often now.

They're also concerned about the fact Donnie hasn't been feeling too well lately.

He'd been moody and upset ever since you and April stopped coming over.

It's even weirder that he blames April for it all.

No one but Donnie, April, and maybe you know exactly what's happening.

April preventing the turtles from seeing you isn't going to stop Donnie.

April may get rid of your phone and anything she thinks is a tracker.

She may even hide you from his drones...

She acts so protective as if she's not just like him.

Donnie will find you, most likely through a tracker on your body.

Sooner or later their little competition has to end.

You began to grasp how serious the situation is when April hides you.

Your partner will be chosen the moment one of them, most likely Donnie, snaps.

You can only hide for so long, with April or not...

Either way... only April and Donnie can choose your fate at the end of the day.

They aren't leaving you be anytime soon.

[xerith-42]

That AU where Aphmau blows up (PT2)

Me with my rewrite: I want all of these characters to talk about the things they feel and be allowed to feel happy for once!! They've earned it!!

[immediately turns around and writes even more heart wrenching angst]

Fair warning, this post is loooooong and kinda jumps between scenes. I had. A bit more to say.

Content Warning for suicide mention

Unlike everyone else, Aaron had actually slept through the night on the island. Aph had made him promise to get some extra sleep when she saw how tired he had become recently, usually due to overworking himself to keep the island alive and growing. He wasn't posted on any kind of watch shift, he didn't feel anything suddenly when she died, but there was a feeling when he woke up.

A sort of familiar dread. The feeling of birds taking off before a disaster, but he didn't know what disaster they could be flying from. Or if he should follow their lead. Just that when he finally stood up, he just had this feeling. He couldn't place why. At least not at first.

It was when he stepped into Aph's house that he could tell something was… wrong. Both Aph and Lilith were missing. Panic started to fill him instantly, and Aaron desperately fought off memories of his previous family as he raced through the alliance island. He hoped that he was just over reacting, that Aph had taken Lilith to Phoenix Drop or at least somewhere that people knew where they were. He was probably just being paranoid.

Doubt was almost instantly replaced with dread. When Aaron got to Phoenix Drop proper he knew that he was right. He wasn't just being paranoid. He could see Zoey walking towards the tree house with Lilith swaddled in her arms. Aaron could only feel a tinge of relief that she was at least okay. He could tell just from the look in Dante's eyes that Aph was dead. That kind of mourning was far too familiar.

"What happened?" He asked carefully, his body tensing to try and fight the oncoming wave of emotions.

"There was an explosion in the forest, shortly before sunrise," Dante began, taking a deep breath to keep his voice even. He had already done enough crying when he got home, he had to keep himself together in front of others. "Garroth was there, but Zane and Aph… weren't."

"D-Did she leave anything behind?"

"Her diary, which Garroth has. And--" Dante reached into his armor and handed Aaron a folded page. He unfurled it and could once again feel his heart sink as he read over her words. She knew. And he should have known she would do it. It's in a lords nature to sacrifice themselves no matter how foolish it is to do so. "I'm sorry--"

"Don't." Aaron took a steady breath, read the letter over again, and then handed it back to Dante. "I'll go make sure I can move in with Lilith and look after her."

"Right. Let me know if you need any help with that." Aaron just nodded, moving past Dante and pulling the bandana out of the pocket of his cloak. He wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to hide. Given the pitying look Dante gave him, he wasn't doing a very good job in the first place.

Though Dante's concern was nothing compared to the look of complete despair in Zoey's eyes. They were blood shot, and she had clearly been crying, but even when she wasn't she looked completely miserable. A weary smile spread across her face, but it was quickly replaced with the morose look she wore before.

"I-I'm sorry for taking Lilith without saying anything," She began with a teary voice. "It was just the first thing I thought of when I heard the--"

"It's okay," Aaron answered simply. "Thank you for looking after her." He grabbed a guitar from the weapon stand. Most weapon stands had them now, and it was a top priority to have musical instruments at the ready. Aaron was one of the people who pushed it most. "The little one will be cared for."

Lilith let out a small giggle, reaching for the end of Aaron's bandana as he leaned over her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He settled back, sitting next to Zoey as he tuned the well loved instrument. [Insert Flowers on the Battlefield here]

The moment Zoey heard the familiar notes she couldn't stop her tears. She tried in vain to wipe them, to hide them from Lilith, but there wasn't much she could do. Aaron himself was only able to hide behind his bandana, but it didn't do a lot. The melody just reminded them of good times, and the crushing defeat of those times being taken away so suddenly.

Nobody knew where Garroth was at first. Travis assumed he'd be at Aph's house, but the place was hauntingly empty. It was from the top of the hill that he could not only hear Aaron's guitar, but he could see Garroth down at the docks, trying in vain to tear out old planks of wood. It was the first time Travis had really gotten a look at Garroth, especially without the armor. He looked… So sad.

He at least wanted Lilith to hear the song one more time. To remember the sound that could so perfectly encapsulate her mother and her impact on those around her. Even if she would never get to properly meet her.

Garroth's head jerked the minute Travis was close enough to notice. Travis nervously held his hands up as a sign of peace, which Garroth just turned away from.

"Hey," Travis said awkwardly. "I'm Travis."

"I guess you already know my name," Garroth replied, refusing to look at him.

"Look I--" Travis held back the urge to put a hand on Garroth's shoulder. "I'm not great at emotional stuff. And I know we really don't know each other, but I-I knew Aph, and I knew Laurance, and they both told me a lot about you. I thought I'd… I don't know." Travis took a shaky breath. "Sorry…"

"Aph was always better at the emotional talks, wasn't she?"

"I wanted to see if I could do anything for you." Travis stepped so he was standing next to the man. "Could at least get that splinter out."

"Yeah." Garroth let out a sigh, tearing another board out and groaning as a splinter slipped into his finger.

"Is there something you wanted?"

"It's not worth worrying about." Travis let out a small sound, almost a laugh, which made Garroth finally look up to meet him eye to eye. Some part of his heart ached at the sight of Travis' bright green eyes. They were almost the same color as Laurance's when Garroth met him. "What's so funny?"

"Aph once said that was one of the phrases she hated the most. That she was tired of her friends and guards saying that to her, because she wanted nothing more than to look after everyone, ensure we were all doing okay at the very least." Travis took a deep breath, hoping that this would be the right move. "She said it was one of the last things you had said to her before running away."

"I was a fool to let Zane get the better of me."

"From what I heard, sounds like you didn't have a choice." Garroth raised his eyebrow. "That companion of his, with the mask? She knew mind control, you really didn't have full control over yourself once she got into your head."

"H-How do you know?"

"I knew the minute Aph described the mask to me. It's something my mother warned me about." Garroth let out a small chuckle, followed by nearly full blown laughter as a tear forced its way down his face. "D-Did I--"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong." Garroth let another tear slip out. "I just, I never knew for sure. I couldn't quite tell what my own thoughts were and what she or Zane wanted me to think. I was worried it was my own foolishness entirely that doomed my friends."

"Well, that's a bit dramatic." Garroth laughed again, almost incredulously.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Sure, you messed up pretty badly, but it wasn't entirely your fault. And even if it was, it hasn't all been bad." Travis gestured to the Phoenix Settlement. "That village is making a real comeback, and it's only getting better every day. And if it weren't for those 15 years, I might not have met everyone." Garroth glanced over at the elder tree that stretched out across the skyline. His arms ached at the memory of her weight in them. He wanted nothing more than to hold her close again.

"B-But she…" Travis awkwardly held a hand out to Garroth, who just stared at it. Travis simply placed his hand in Garroth's and took a deep breath.

"Look, I didn't know Aph half as well as you did, but I do know that she wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this." Garroth turned away, swallowing down further tears. Travis squeezed his hand, before pulling away. "I'll give you some time to yourself. Let me know if you ever need anything." Travis turned, and it was only when he was a few steps away that Garroth finally spoke.

"Thank you," He whispered. Garroth knew he was alone after that, letting him take a step back, and then sit on the part of the docks that wasn't falling apart. His eyes drifted to the diary tucked into his bag. Was there… A page looked out of place. Garroth reached forward and pulled on it, pulling out a fairly worn piece of paper, one that he could tell just from a glance was stained with tears.

Garroth and Laurance,

Oh no.

I know what I'm doing is especially unfair to you two. We all fell in love together, and I wish we could grow old together. There's a chance we still could. But there won't be a chance if Garroth can't be there with us. So I have to bring him back.

Laurance, I can't even imagine how you'll feel. I really wish there was another way, but I can't have anyone else, especially you, sacrificing themselves for something I want. If I could make you do one thing, I'd make you promise not to run away. Please, don't leave him. Please.

Garroth, I'm so sorry. I truly wish there was more I could say to express how much I currently miss you, and how much I'm going to. But you deserve to have a life, to see the way the world has changed because of your bravery, and you deserve to have your chance at a redemption I don't think you need.

I love you both.

"What is wrong with you?!" Vylad roared as he grabbed Laurance and nearly threw him to the ground.

This one wasn't signed. It didn't have to be. It was stained with tears that belonged to more than its writer.

"Ow! The fuck-- Vylad?!" Laurance groaned as he threw off Vylad's grip. The two were just at the edge of the cursed forest, not too far from the borders of Meteli. "What are you doing here?"

"Telling you to go back to Phoenix Drop!"

"I-I can't! Vylad, if I go back there I don't know if I'll be able to control myself."

"You learned to control yourself around her, you can do the same for him."

"I don't know if I can! I couldn't live with myself if I killed him!"

"If you don't go back there he might kill himself!!" Laurence froze. His breathing started to pick up.

"Wh… N-No, Garroth wouldn't. He's stronger than that--"

"He's always been at his strongest with the people he loves at his side. One of them is dead and he thinks it's his fault, and the other ran away from him before he could properly grieve. I doubt many could survive."

"Then why are you here?! He's your brother!"

"Because I don't know my brother. It's been almost 20 years since the last time I saw him face to face, I-I don't know nearly as much about him as you do."

"And what if I lose control? His blood would be on your hands."

"If I don't get you back to him now then it definitely will be." Laurance backed away, his head starting to ache as voices clashed within. The calling was jumping at the idea of going back to him, and Laurance hated that he was going to agree to it. But he had to. If Garroth died without him, because he left… He couldn't even entertain the thought.

"How are you holding up?" Katelyn glanced up at Lucinda, who had just placed a cup of tea on her bedside table.

Laurance took off, shortly followed by Vylad.

"How do you think?" Katelyn bit back. She instantly regretted it when she saw the hurt look in Lucinda's bloodshot eyes. "S-Sorry. That came out… Harsher than I intended."

"It's alright. I'm unfortunately familiar with some of the feelings around this."

"So am I." Lucinda sighed, leaning back and taking a sip of her own tea. "Is that how you're handling it so well?"

"Handling it well? Katelyn, if I didn't have a silencing glyph on my room you would have heard every miserable tear I shed last night." Katelyn frowned at the almost calm look on Lucinda's face.

"Why are you trying to hide it then?"

"Everyone's grieving right now. No need to saddle anyone else with my baggage."

"Like I said, I've got some myself. Why not let me lighten the load?"

"Are you sure?" Katelyn sat up a little more, leaning against the headboard of Lucinda's guest bed.

"I may not know you that well yet, but I know you cared about Aph. I think we all have that in common. Might as well care about her and mourn her together, right? It's what she would've wanted."

"She did always like bringing unlikely people together." Lucinda let out a sad sigh, setting her teacup aside. "During those fifteen years you were all gone, I lost my dad. I-I wasn't sure if everyone was dead or not when you all disappeared, but I saw my dad in his final moments. I held his hand as he passed… I suppose I'm not even sure Aph is dead until I see it."

"You still think she's alive?"

"There's a nonzero chance. Though it could just be a desperate ploy to deny the truth."

"That's what it sounds like to me, sorry."

"No need to apologize. You're probably right. Suppose her dying without assurance has made me think she could do it again."

"She always did have a new trick up her sleeve. I wouldn't put it past her." Katelyn let out a shaky sigh. "Just wish she hadn't done this in the first place."

"You and me both."

"I used to feel the same way about Jeffory."

"Jeffory?"

"An old friend of mine. He and I were in the Jury of Nine together, and he was the only person I could trust for a long time. But then he risked his own life to save Aph, and when he died, I had to know why. I had to understand why he decided this woman was worth risking everything we had built for." Katelyn's hands clenched into fists as she fought tears. "I understand why he did what he did now more than ever."

"Levin!" Malachi called out as he entered their home. "Where are you?" His response was a sniffle from upstairs. Malachi groaned. In spite of his body being younger, he still felt 900 years old, and sometimes just climbing the stairs was exhausting. He found his brother curled up in the window of his room, his music box coming to it's end as Malachi across from him in the windowsill.

Lucinda felt the words she wanted to say getting caught in her throat. She understood exactly what Katelyn was saying, but she had no idea how to respond to it. So she thought about what Aph would do. She reached her hand out to Katelyn, and interlocked their fingers. Katelyn glanced down at their hands, back at Lucinda, and then she smiled. Both of them were clearly on the verge of tears, a hair trigger away from another grief induced meltdown, but for that moment they smiled.

"How are you so okay with this?" Levin asked, his voice laced with an unusual amount of bitterness.

"What in the name of Irene makes you think I'm okay with this?" Malachi replied with an almost too soft tone.

"I-I've barely seen you cry. When Dante told us, all you thought about was making sure everyone was okay, making sure we could repair the damages. Don't you care about her?"

"Of course I do. I know you were young, but I saw mom when she was a lord. She always acted in the interest of everyone else, ensuring everyone's safety before her own. I knew that's what she would have wanted. I thought you would understand that better than anyone."

"It's what we lords do..." Levin sniffled again, a tear pushing down his face again. "Why didn't she say anything to us?"

"What?"

"She left a note with final wishes for everyone, but she didn't even mention us. L-Like she wasn't even thinking about how we'd feel about our own mother throwing her life away!"

"She probably thought we'd be able to handle it. After all, we thought she was dead for all those years before--"

"But this isn't the same! We know she's dead!"

"We don't know for sure--"

"I'm not going to live in denial again!" Tears continued to stream down Levin's face as he looked out over his village. His home. Malachi put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Look at all you were able to do without her. She knew we'd be fine without her." Levin sobbed, burying his head into his brother's shoulder as Malachi held him close. "I-I'm going to miss her, but we know how to do this, don't we?"

"I-I don't want to."

"I know. So let's grieve now. We might not get the chance to later with the lives we lead." Levin nodded in acknowledgement, though Malachi could feel his shoulder starting to become wet from his brothers tears.

"Where is he?!" Laurance was almost in a blind panic, his heart racing and his breathing unsteady as he stumbled into the Phoenix Settlement. He felt almost alive. "Where's Garroth?!"

"Thank you." That's all it took for Malachi to join him.

"He was at the docks last time I saw him," Travis answered. "Where have--" Laurance was already gone. He wasn't thinking straight, only worrying about one thing. Just as Laurance reached the top of the hill and saw Garroth standing there, his left leg went limp. Laurance wasn't able to catch it happening before he took a step forward, resulting in him taking a very noisy and not exactly pleasant tumble down the path to the docks.

"Laurance?" Garroth questioned as he stood up and ran over to his lover. Laurance managed to push himself up from the ground and get a good look at Garroth's face. Tear stained. He was alive. He was breathing.

"Thank Irene you're alive," Laurance muttered.

"What?"

"N-Nothing." Laurance managed to get himself to sitting, but there was no hope for his leg coming back anytime soon. Garroth simply sat in front of him, Aph's note still in his hand. "Look, Garroth, I can't even begin to voice my regret. I-I shouldn't have run away from you. It was wrong of me to leave you alone, even if I thought I was protecting you. You're the last person in this forsaken world I would lay down my life for, and I was a fool to think I was doing any good by running away from that." Garroth smiled, and then took Laurance's hand and pressed a kiss to it.

"I'm glad you've come to this conclusion on your own." Garroth turned his hand over and placed her note in it. "I knew you would eventually, considering she already did, but I was worried it would take longer." Laurance's hands trembled as he read over the words, and by the time he was done, Garroth was sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around him, ready for the oncoming wave of emotions that was eventually going to hit Laurance.

He folded the paper, handed it back to Garroth, and then used his still working leg to bring himself around Garroth and wrap him in a proper hug. Garroth instantly wrapped his other arm around Laurance and just breathed. He just felt Laurance's weight, felt his breathing, felt his presence. He was back. In spite of his words Garroth had worried Laurance had truly abandoned him. It was more than he could ask for to have him here like this again.

And even when Laurance began to cry into his arms, Garroth was still eternally grateful.

"I'm sorry--"

"Laurance, it's okay," Garroth assured him. "I understand why you ran."

"I-I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I understand."

"But I love you. I love you so much and I never want to spend a second away from you."

"I love you too." Garroth took a deep breath, before he broke their embrace simply so he could hold Laurance's head in his hands and stare into those beautiful blue eyes. "We're going to get through this, tgoether."

"Irene?"

"Right, together." Laurance leaned forward and placed a kiss against Garroth's lips. It was easily the most alive he had felt since he had undergone his transformation. Even if he was still in an unimaginable amount of pain, even if he might tear his own life apart, even if everything could somehow get worse tomorrow, he was alive enough to kiss the man he loved. That's all he could ask for.

┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈

What...?

"Wake up, Irene. It's not your time to die just yet."

[nonbinaryeddiekaspbrak]

FANFIC RECS!

here's a revamped version of my rec post - each fic will link to it's corresponding ao3 page, a summary in my words, small notes/review, and a disclaimer for more mature ratings if needed.

enjoy!

(* = new entry, last updated: Dec 3rd, 2023, still going through recent bookmarks)

(ps. let me know if you want your mention to be removed!)

IT

and a stain on my shirt - venom crossover, vv good, also a fix-it, venom finds another eddie to latch onto, a lot of humor, reddie get together, venom saves eddie

awake my soul - pretty angsty, keep an eye on those trigger warnings, this was pretty good, i rlly couldn’t take any breaks with this one, richie and eddie get jumped but in the process of putting away the ones responsible for the hate crime richie finds that he’ll have to come out sooner than he’s ready for, added bonus of art!!, happy ending, has fan reactions and news coverage as things are slowly revealed

come over here and overwhelm me - nsfw, a VERY GOOD rec, SO tender, the fluff is so well written, richie is having a bad day nd eddie comes to the rescue being so hfwjaklhj!!!, this fic said bottom richie rights nd it opened my eyes

don’t break character - HE/THEY RICHIE RIGHTS, richie finds that maybe his journey of identity isn’t over when he hears the word “nonbinary”, very!!!!, fjkdkslahfkl, just him having he/they pronouns is so exciting and flappy hands-worthy

I killed a clown. ama! - it chapter 2 except it’s through the lens of social media from posts by richie eddie myra and background fans, very very entertaining, canon compliant until eddie’s death it’s actually a fix-it, fair amount of angst??

it’s not real - WATCH THE TRIGGER WARNINGS, a lot of angst, very intense, eddie has an amazing richie impression, almost like they share the same braincell, eddie is also vv caring and will drag any faceless internet account down with him, could def make it in celebrity PR according to richie’s manager steve, richie comes out but he gets a horrible reaction and then finds himself in the middle of a clusterfuck of things that unfortunately couldn’t stay in the past, bill apparently also gets cancelled a lot and he cannot cook, he’s also the only other loser in here, a black mirror au, AGAIN WATCH THE TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS ONE

oh, wouldn’t it be nice? - nsfw, some angst, eddie finds richie’s obituary that he got from adrien (the park scene in chap 2; at least i think it was adrien), SUPER SWEET OMG, i had to stop a few times from the sheer amount of emotion this gave me

parental interference - in 1989 some parents are coming to their senses when it comes to a certain clown, i love went he’s an awesome dad, T rating, i suggest a peek at the trigger warnings/tags just in case, canon-typical triggers, again i really love wentworth tozier in this fic he’s a 10/10 dad

predicament bondage - nsfw, richie is 100% a sweetheart, eddie is fjdsljfkslf i love this version of him, richie is cast as a dom in a movie so he decides to get information from a professional which is eddie but he finds that working with eddie might bring his heart into the mix, a lot of internalized homophobia so watch out, ur honor i love eddie here

puppets and plants - the way this was written? *muah* my number two rec, some angst, the intimacy of u nd the guy set up across from u at the farmer’s market, amazing stanpat dynamic, trans eddie and ben!, pride parade!!

the king is gone - absolutely AMAZING time travel fix-it, fairly long, some angst, some fluff, not at all a boring read

the lockbox - pushing an M rating? maybe a T?, asexual eddie finding out that he’s ace and everything that comes with realizing u aren’t straight, honestly made my ace heart so happy, bit of angst

work friends and emergency contacts - outsider pov, eddie makes a work friend, fix-it w both eddie and stan living, eddie gets a divorce pre-itch2, damon just wants the best for richie and eddie, reddie getting together, richie visits eddie at work

STRANGER THINGS

bottle it up until it overflows - ohhhh boy, i absolutely love the vecna possessing mike trope and this fic definitely lives up to high standards, rated mature, bad parent ted wheeler and internalized homophobia, basically mike gets vecna'd is the entire plot - @ghoulsanderson

i feel like i know you (but we never met) - post season 4 of stranger things, ambiguous / open ending, teen rating, oh boy this made me emotional!, without spoilers i have to say this is such an angsty fic and i love it, this fic is written beautifully, the party all forget will because of vecna suppressing their memories, spoilers: mike puts everything together to figure out who the "missing person" is - @andiwriteordie

something's made your eyes go cold - TW SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, rated mature, mike is chronically suicidal, very very angsty but relatable (sadly), oneshot - @defendingtammythompson

when everything was fiction, future and prediction - two words: time travel, mike is confronted by his younger self and figures out a few things, very much hurt/comfort, rated teen

9-1-1 TV

*all the time in the world - i literally know nothing about the dsmp but the way this was written is so beautiful, i love angst and buddie but also buck angst gets me the most, evan buckley used to be someone called karl jacobs but eddie doesn't know that and thinks buck is a war veteran, he's not entirely wrong but also don't make me fact check that beyond reading this, this fic makes me feel super autistic in a way i can't explain, time travel and secret identities are just so my jam dude, bonus chris moment that made me squeal bc chris eddie and buck are so family material - @official-impravidus

*my palms and fingers still reek of gasoline - such a good crossover, the characterization is very very good, i definitely need to read it again, a pjo au that has a twist, demigod buck and eddie are special to me now, having buck be on that side is an interesting choice and i like it, buck's mom being aphrodite makes so much sense - @trashyinfernomusic

[kokitschi]

ok ok i know the 4th chapter is fucked up but. u gotta appreciate the way kokichi set this whole thing up. like, it's kind of beautiful, actually.

one thing kokichi repeats several times during the game is "the process of elimination" and that's exactly how this whole case is build up.

every domino piece has been set up so they could all perfectly fall over in the trial. and kokichis the one who did the pushing nonetheless.

like. look at it like this.

(aight uh so this unintentionally turned into a canon compliant fanfic...? don't ask me how that happened.)

you have made yourself isolated and generally disliked by most of the group for various reasons. you've already been stressing about the situation and then you (most likely) see something that just makes you freak out (the card key motive). so, you've admittedly become a bit erratic. there isn't really anyone to reel you in either.

your almost-ally is very doing worse than you though. she's clearly losing it. it doesn't take long for you to figure out that she's planning to murder you. you wouldn't call eachother friends but this still probably feels like betrayal. or maybe you're just frustrated that despite everything - the remote control, the electro hammers and bombs, the bugvac - everything you've trusted her to build and she still thinks that murder is the better option. okay, fuck you too then.

most of your classmates are stupid or complacent or both. they've mostly stopped thinking for themselves and would rather leave everything to the detective. who, to be fair, isn't incompetent but it has been incredibly frustrating to watch how easily he's swept up in that one idiots empty platitudes. logic alone should get them through these trials - acting on emotions is dangerous. (the irony probably isn't lost on you but you've always been upfront about being a hypocrite. so whatever.)

you want to teach those idiots a lesson. blindly believing in people will get them killed. so, you come up with a plan that could perhaps be compared to a bowline knot - very sturdy but also very easy to unravel.

you've already decided on your main piece - in fact he's been begging, genuinely begging to be used since the beginning but especially lately. so, befitting to your title, you shall make use of him.

(it's his own fault for being so gullible and kind. you've been telling him - everyone but especially him - that he's gonna get himself killed like this. this is a killing game, why won't anyone accept this reality already?? why won't anyone heed his warnings? but most people are unable to seperate the words from the person who's saying them.)

her plan is easy to usurp - in fact it takes care of the important things. the other pieces are set up in a way that would make it impossible for them to commit the crime you are planning. you and your sacrifice are the only pieces left. her intended advantage over you is ironically what will protect you.

things go smoothly. for the most part, anyway.

you might've underestimated just how much the detective dislikes you, is what you think as he doesn't give your proposition even a single thought before he leaves. oh well, you've never been one to easily give up.

you force yourself into the role of his partner. your nerves are definitely strung high at this point but you tell yourself that it's all just part of the game. so you continue to push everyones buttons. you needle and twist the knife wherever possible. (it's just a game. it's just a game. it's just a game.) nobody has any sympathy left for you at this point. it's okay, it's all part of your long term strategy anyway. (perhaps one could argue that you've been dealt awful cards from the beginning but is that really an excuse?)

you lead the trial, you make sure that they're doing things in the right order and that they won't miss a thing. it needs to be uncovered in this way because otherwise they won't listen to the evidence anymore. if they shall act like children, then you shall talk to them as if they are.

the first part of the trial moves along sluggishly but atleast all the facts of the crime are now laid open. all they need to do at this point is to use the process of elimination, really.

the detective looks at you uneasily. time for the fun part! questions and accusations fly around the room, it's about what you expected.

and then the detective lies. he's done this before. everyone believes him over you. that's to be expected. but something inside you cannot forgive this hypocrisy today. so you decide to be cruel and rip off the band aid.

chaos. disbelief. objections!

it could've been so fun. if it wasn't for your unwilling partner in crime to be completely dumbfounded - not because he's been betrayed but.. because he doesn't seem to know what you're talking about? huh? huh?

you thought at first that maybe this was just his last effort to try to get away with it. but he seems so genuine. you can't detect a lie but clearly what he is saying cannot be true. it cannot be. he's got to be lying. which means that you've underestimated him. you've been played. your classmates are clamoring to defend him. he will get away with this. he can't- it wasn't supposed to go that way. they will all vote for you. all because they believe in him hahahhaha no no no no nonononononono

he doesn't remember. ah. that makes sense.

you're still agitated and you feel as if you're about to snap.

you and the detective leave no holes in the explanation. it's a simple process of elimination - you've made sure of that after all.

the despair on your classmates faces is apparent. your sacrifice accepts his fate. you can't handle this. it's all too much. why did you do this? why? why? why? everyones badgering you. the look on his face- his voice- and despite everything he still cared about you. you stupid awful disgusting horrible miserable monster. nobody will ever forgive you for this. you knew that. perhaps you didn't think it would hurt so bad though.

gontas last wish will never come true. the very least you can do is to not let his death go to waste.

so it's double down or nothing.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

right now my absolute favorite musical is wicked, coinciding with my perpetual oz interest (I hope I used that word correctly). I used to listen to Dear Evan Hansen quite a lot but haven’t listened to it in a while. Except for “a part of me”, one of the cut songs.

can I ask why it’s your favorite?

Wicked and Oz in general are awesome. I read through the books semi-recently (as well as re-watching Return to Oz) and it always amazes me to remember just how different in tone the 1939 film is. It's truly a world of it's own, with a different feel an overall mood - Dorothy is obviously far different. Our stage adaptation is primarily based on the 1939 movie so my analysis is based on that, but I'd practically call it an Oz AU with all of the liberties it takes. Mostly with Dorothy. She is largely a pawn in games played by the Witches and Wizard of Oz. A game that ultimately, Glinda won. (My feelings about the 1939 version of Glinda are very similar to my feelings about Dumbledore for similar reasons.)

But Wicked is different. Wicked is a commentary on...on, so many things, but I think a major one is complacency. (It's similar to why I love Borrasca actually.) The idea that there can be something rotten in the state of Denmark, something bad happening in Oz, and people will look the other way. It's painfully realistic. Galinda's whole character arc is intertwined with this. Because it's like Elphaba says. She'll grovel in submission to the corrupt institution if it means advancing her own position and career. But in her heart, she knows better. I love the repeated use of the words "good" and "wicked" blatantly deconstructing them and proving that things aren't black and white. That good and evil are just...words that we say. And their weight depends on who is saying them and about what.

The only thing I don't care for when it comes to Wicked is that...well, it kind of succumbs to what I call "Prequel-itus." As a prequel to Wizard of Oz (well, it technically is both a prequel and a retelling since it goes past the end of the original but I digress) Wicked feels the need to give everything and everything a backstory. Fiyero...didn't need to be the Scarecrow. Fair enough to that one, since it was clearly planned and a major part of the story (though it casts a shadow over his bond with Dorothy in all honesty) but Boq as the Tin Man? Give me a break. That asshole is nothing like The Tin Man, who was sweet and sensitive and, oh yeah, already had a backstory. Not to mention the hastily thrown in line about the Lion being the cub from Act 1? Come on now.

As for Dear Evan Hansen.

I just. I really love human dramas. (Again, Borrasca. I can't recommend it enough, except, every trigger warning you can imagine applies to it.) Dear Evan Hansen is such a magnificent story about realistic people going through emotional issues. It's a story that isn't guided by plot, but by characters reacting based on their feelings and desires. The inciting incident is Connor's suicide and the misunderstanding with Evan's note, but after that, the entire plot could be resolved if the characters (mainly Evan) just made different choices. Better ones, smarter ones. But it's not a plot hole, either. It's characterization. You can see the exact moment when Evan falls in love with the lie. "And I see him come to get me. He's....come to get me. And everything's....okay." I've seen a slime tutorial of this show and based on the performance, that is the moment that Evan went from awkwardly trying to comfort a grieving family....to telling himself a better story, about his own life. One where he had a best friend, and wasn't having suicidal thoughts.

And that's one of the major themes of Dear Evan Hansen. Rewriting history when there's no one to contradict you, and living in the new reality you've created from that story, because there's nothing to stop you except yourself. It crops up all over the place, not just in the #BigLie, but Evan also initially lies to Larry about the situation with his father. This idea is echoed in Sincerely, Me as well. "All that it takes is a little reinvention." and "Just believe you can be who you wanna be." It comes up again in Words Fail which is...the most fucking raw and emotional that a musical has ever gotten, for me anyway. I sob when I listen to that song, especially at the crescendo when it reprises Waving Through a Window. Evan talking about no one seeing the real him, because he fears "Will they hate it too?" Just broke me. Because...honestly? I relate to it. And I think a lot of people can. "Will I just keep on running away from what's true?" Like. Oof.

Everyone in this show is miserable, in different ways, and they manifest it in different ways that are typically unhealthy. Though I think my favorite character is Heidi. I don't know if she's considered problematic in the musical fandom, but I will pick up my foam finger and defend her to the last. She was doing everything she could. Evan's anger at her for being absent is understandable, but it wasn't out of negligence. She was working multiple jobs to keep a roof over their heads. She didn't always handle situations the best, like the dinner with the Murphys...but she was blindsided over and over that night, so, fair enough. She isn't very knowledgeable about her son's mental health issues, but it's not for lack of trying. She's doing her best, and also, Evan isn't telling her anything. He's not sharing with her. He's lying to her, on top of lying to everyone else.

The situation needed to end. Because it was unhealthy. Even if Connor and Evan's friendship had been real, it was reaching unhealthy levels. They gave Evan Connor's clothes. They gave him Connor's college fund. Given how he was sleeping over at the Murphy's house all the time, and I don't see them making him take the couch (or allowing him to crash with Zoey) he was probably sleeping in Connor's room. Like, it was reaching creepy levels even if you ignore that it was all based on a lie. And when they find out...yeah, they don't forgive him. Why would they? It would be way too good to be true, Evan would be getting off far too easy, if they just forgave him. They didn't expose him to the world and that is charitable on their parts. Evan had to lose the life he'd gained and return to reality. I like that even though Zoey ultimately forgives him, they don't get back together. Realistically, there's no way they would.

God this story just rips me to shreds. I feel bad for everyone involved, but they're also culpable for their own choices. Like...Alana is another example. We're meant to sympathize with her (and Jared) by the end. Sure, she's a little annoying, but she means well, and her dedication to the Connor Project is sincere. That said...she really doesn't know what she's talking about, claiming the emails "don't make sense" because Connor seemed to be doing better before he died. That's...shockingly naive. Also, the fact that she posted Connor's suicide note (as far as she knew) online without permission. She didn't ask his family if that was okay. She did it explicitly against the wishes of his best friend who the letter was written for. That's fucked up.

I could write similar analysis of Jared, Connor's parents, Zoey...but I can already tell this one is gonna be a long runner so I'll cap it here.

[leserattevirginie]

Evocation by T.S. Gibson (Synopsis and longer, rambly thoughts under the cut)

Genre: Urban Fantasy Romance Star Rating: 3,75 ⭐️

Plot: ⬜️ Plot holes big enough for a herd of elephants ⬜️ I think I’ve read this before. (Unoriginal to the max.) ✅ Enjoyable but not super memorable. ⬜️ You have my undivided attention. ⬜️ Mind = Blown

Characters: ⬜️ Mary Sue is in the house! ⬜️ These are cardboard cut-outs. ✅ Good main cast, but the rest is forgettable at best. ⬜️ Generally well written. ⬜️ Complex ⬜️ What do you mean characters? These feel like real people!

Personal Enjoyment: ⬜️ DNF ⬜️ Somebody free me from this hell (but also no, I won’t DNF) ⬜️ WTF did I just read??? ⬜️ I don’t like it, but I also don’t hate it. ⬜️ It’s a good book but I just never want to pick it back up. ⬜️ No strong feelings either way. ⬜️ Enjoyable read ✅ What a page turner! This is fun! ⬜️ I think I’m in love ⬜️ (new) all time favourite

World Building: ✅ This takes place in our world. ⬜️ Worldbuilding what worldbuilding? ⬜️ This feels like a TV set. ⬜️ Not super deep, but present. ⬜️ Detailed, believable. ⬜️ You bet every single ant has its own 100 page backstory!

Pacing: ⬜️ drags/is rushed in all the wrong places ⬜️ Inconsistent ⬜️ something undefinable feels off ✅ mostly fine but the ending feels rushed ⬜️ dragged a bit in the beginning but picked up eventually ⬜️ I don’t love it it but it fits the book perfectly. ⬜️ Good/no complaints ⬜️ Amazing! Could not put this down!

Writing: ⬜️ This is painful ⬜️ I’m cringing ⬜️ Not great, but not bad either. ✅ Neutral (Didn’t really notice.) ⬜️ Elegant but not overly flowery. ⬜️ So beautiful I actually stopped and noticed it. ⬜️ I’m not sure if this is just a bad translation. ⬜️ I’m not confident enough in my language skills for this language to comment on the quality of the writing.

Synopsis (fair warning, imo the synopsis pretty much sums up the entire plot):

As a teen, David Aristarkhov was a psychic prodigy, operating under the shadow of his oppressive occultist father. Now, years after his father’s death and rapidly approaching his thirtieth birthday, he is content with the high-powered life he’s curated as a Boston attorney, moonlighting as a powerful medium for his secret society. But with power comes a price, and the Devil has come to collect on an ancestral deal. David’s days are numbered, and death looms at his door. Reluctantly, he reaches out to the only person he’s ever trusted, his ex-boyfriend and secret Society rival Rhys, for help. However, the only way to get to Rhys is through his wife, Moira. Thrust into each other’s care, emotions once buried deep resurface, and the trio race to figure out their feelings for one another before the Devil steals David away for good…

Thoughts

Don't read this book for the magic! Yes, it is there, but honestly it is mostly decorative. The focus is definitely on the relationship between the three main characters. You could take out the occultism, change a thing or two, and it would work just fine as a contemporary romance novel. Personally, I found the parts related to the curse to be the weakest - the loophole in the contract was obvious, ffs. And the way they dealt with it in the end may have been great for the relationship building, but otherwise it just felt a bit rushed and convenient. I did like the romance, I just wish it had taken them all more than one month (?? or maybe I misread?) to get to where they got in the end. Nonetheless, Watching these three idiots bounce off each other was definitely the highlight of the book for me. I'm not sure I like any of them very much by themselves (maybe Moira) but I do like them together. The book is written in triple POV, and we get a fairly good sense of who they are and what makes them tick, especially David and Moira. (As for the side characters, I unfortunately have to admit I've already forgotten most of their names and what they brought to the plot.)

One thing that struck me as a bit odd was a sort of tonal shift towards the middle of the book. Maybe I imagined it, but in the beginning there was some subtle humour that was slowly phased out. Personally I think that's a shame, because I was sure I'd found a new favourite in Evocation. In the end it is just a book I liked, but didn't love as much as I had hoped I would.