#face made without a proper ref because why the hell

[campterodactyl]

If Jr NTR had been cast in Magadheera

[tinukis]

some details about one of my one piece ocs, Z here i should like draw proper ref of Z soon bc i think abt the little guy often. if i do talk about him more and draw him, i may just reveal his real name eventually

anyway theres really nothing happy about this boy from what i shared and i still have nothing happy. however the reason he even still holds onto life is because of books. he loves reading about adventures, whether the tales are from real journalists or something made up. it inspires Z to continue living on despite being chained down in hell

thats not what i actually wanna talk about, i just wanna talk abt something more lighthearted. while Z does appreciate all the strawhats, the ones hes most particularly fond of are luffy, nami, and robin

not that any of them told their stories, but that those four can really sympathize with Z. nami especially can relate with how Z believes he needs to shoulder everything himself to save his island considering hes only 13 enduring all this pain and suffering-- how he even refused to ask for the strawhats help until things were extremely desperate and that he had to accept that he really was powerless to do anything.

doesnt help that Z's "foster family" fed the strawhats too and how charismatic they are- Z thought that they were completely entranced by them so they wouldnt believe a word a bratty kid would say. and when Z felt completely helpless, he had pinned the blame on the strawhats and wished they never met bc things did go downhill for Z since his arrival

with robin, Z would talk about his favorite book and robin adores how he'd light up talking about it. not to mention him getting really excited when robin said she read the book before and gave him recommendations. (and as a parting gift, she gave Z a book she already finished reading. and it's about a kid his age starting their own adventure and writing everything about their exploits as they travel the world)

and with luffy, i'll admit was p hard to think about as hes not an easy character to write... but hes always been good w kids (AAAAUUUGJWHDIWHDK) and how theyve been inspired by him. what makes it harder to think about is how this kid has ace's face and acted similar to a younger ace. luffy felt a bit uneasy and Z just didnt like him at all. though theyre attracted to each other like magnets so kinda impossible to be separated without being pulled apart. when the strawhats went off to do their own things, luffy and Z somehow come across each other and it's like "stop following me!" / "you're the one following me!"

neither share what adventures they had and neither cared enough to ask. though Z was a little curious about who ace was and luffy bluntly says that theres nothing to know now bc hes dead. Z was about to pry bc ace had to be important to luffy but then again why should he care about this guy? he didnt care much about luffy and he was gonna leave soon anyway so they just left it at that. and as luffy gets distracted by a beetle on a tree trunk, Z suddenly disappears.

at some point though, luffy knew there was something wrong if Z couldnt just leave the place and people he claims to hate. and Z was startled by luffy's sudden interest in him and the island. he wasnt even sure if he could trust this pirate (esp when the 'rulers' were previously pirates !!) but he didnt feel ill intentions from luffy either so Z does tell him about the strict laws of the land which pisses him off gravely bc basically all of the people's freedoms are revoked and have to live a certain way if they wish to even live 👍👍

Z: "dunno why you're interested. you're gonna leave and forget about this hell of an island anyway. theres nothing you can do."

and again, Z cant trust others- especially not pirates. but the more time spent with the strawhats, the more respect and trust he gave. but he never once believed that they cared for him the same

[badlydrawnmanic]

time for episode 5 because i’m bored as heck

• just thoughts during the theme song but i wish we got to see more of aleena • the extras in this opening scene look passable for mobians which is a surprise • sleet explains something to dingo while looking directly into the camera

• WHAT IS THIS CATERPILLAR DOG THING UGH • it’s a legal requirement for thief children to have wack hair • kjsdgsd max snapped • i think i remember some people shipping manic with this kid • what animal are any of these characters supposed to be • that bungee jump thing makes no sense at all which is terrible • who gave sonic a drivers liscence • sonic your whole thing is to help people and then some poor kid comes in your van like “help me” and you’re like “why should i” what is the truth • shit dude that van turns on a dime • nobody in this show knows how to drive do they • this little goblin dude juggling is kinda cute, his design ain’t bad. weird colors but that’s a given • what sleet turns dingo into reminds me of the koopalings right down to the voice • is manic older than max or does he just say “little bro” because max looks even shorter than manic does • manic: stealing’s wrong   max:

• max brings up a good point about like... how are they gonna survive without money from the shit they stole • i think i redesigned max at one point? i think i made him a xoloitzcuintli (those weird mexican hairless dogs)

• OH I DID, this was back when i mainly did lineless art (it was easier doing art like this rather than lined art with a mouse, i haven’t tried this style with my drawing tablet yet), i really like what i did here skjdgs small boy • there’s two background characters with names, there’s a girl named allegra with a huge nose and some pig looking gremlin critter named clifton, i think that’s interesting • is it like a cultural thing for all the thieves to have earrings or did the character designers just go “yeah only punks have piercings” • sonia’s being really mean about their music for no reason when it doesn’t sound awful, just let these kids play their accordions and violins in peace dude • manic is a gross boy and spits all over this girl to show off one of his little tricks, disgusting • the headcanons about dingo involved something about this episode i think, i’d have to go digging through dms to remember tho • there’s this bird character between allegra and clifton who looks depressed as shit • sleet looks ugly enough to be a passable spore creature and i might just try that if i have to look at his nasty face any longer • i understand what manic means when he’s like “haha this whole thing reminds me of when i was little and stole shit all the time” because i was a little kleptomaniac when i was a kid and like... getting away with it is fun as shit. of course i feel bad now but like... hey i get it • for once the siblings yelling out of surprise has some energy to it, though i wish it was less like “oh aah” and more like... y’know, actual startled sounds, it’s not super convincing • sleet is standing there with his gaping maw wide open pointing in one direction with no animation like a statue and it’s weird • swatbots are on the same level of aiming as storm troopers • what even are these lasers? are they lethal?? do they hurt??? i don’t think anyone’s gotten hit from what i remember so like what’s the danger • sonic just fucking... vaccums up all these children with wind from running, he’s gonna hurt someone, he’s so damn reckless • WHERE’D THEY GO • the little animation where manic takes out his drums doesn’t look half bad! it’s a pleasant surprise when bits of animation are higher quality than normal

• after saying that i realized his gloves disappeared in the shot i was just praising sndkgjds • how was the production of this show? did they color digitally or was this still in the time of hand-drawn animation cells? i wonder how rushed production was • is “amigas” proper spanish?   [googling]   yes it is nevermind   spanish class as a required class was pointless apparently because i don’t remember jack shit from it • dingo you aren’t allowed to steal the “main man” title from manic (my nickname in our discord server was “my main man, manic” for the longest time sjkdgbs)

• it’s kinda neat seeing where all these pics my boyfriend gave me when i was looking for refs came from • i’ve thought that a song was gonna play tiwce now so now i’m wondering when it’ll come in and if it’ll be plot relevant • bummer majores • i get the point of “aw man i can’t believe you have to give all this money to robotnik because he’s evil and demands taxes” but hey either tax the rich or eat them dude • this old man’s outfit is horrendous • sonic and sonia just hid behind behind a thing hanging on the wall and that just wouldn’t work • manic and max both like drums... ;v; • why are manic and dingo just throwing glass bottles and shit back and forth at each other, is this a game • DINGO YOU HURT THE BOY • god what are these masks • SONG TIME • again, manic’s just talking in the middle of the song, and i get it’s for plot but the visuals are, again, sickeningly distracting, i can’t tell what’s happening • how does nobody notice the drummers changing place in the middle of the performance? how is there not a gap in the drum/cymbal beats? • these poor children, wow dingo • it’s really sweet that this old man helped the thief kids find parents and homes to go back to, that’s very nice • manic has one (1) coin and everyone takes that as evidence that he robbed the old man of all his money when that also doesn’t make sense, yes he took it from the vault thing but he didn’t take the whole thing? • why does manic just let the robot handcuff him, i know he feels guilty but like he isn’t an idiot, he knows what’ll happen if he does that so why does he??? • why do sonic and sonia immediately believe what sleet says about manic, shouldn’t they be on guard whenever this fuck’s around and have some suspension of belief here • this man went from 0 to 100 real quick huh • SONG TIME??? • i forgot that the song already happened because of my confusion during the sequence and now i feel like an idiot • anyway the song was like a 5.5/10, it has the energy i think they were going for and it doesn’t sound awful, it’s a little better than alright, though i wish the scene was more coherent and easy to follow • sonia’s classist as hell damn • sonic’s faith in manic being honest is nice to see • the thief children didn’t get their homes after this?? i’m upset • two bros laughing manically in the sewer in front of a very small crowd of children, as you do • manic talking to himself in jail kinda reminds me of movie!sonic but like... slower and less interesting, also why do they just throw him in jail? doesn’t robotnik roboticize everyone? • that one kid dares to look in max’s direction and he’s like ShShHhH like your hushing is gonna get you caught dude not that kid • MAX IS THROWING METAL THINGS IN THE BACKGROUND WHY??? YOU WERE SHUSHING THAT KID FOR SAYING NOTHING • max should be like... directly in sleet’s line of sight rn • of course they gotta very clearly explain the plot directly to the audience • everyone’s so shitty to these poor kids, damn • you’d think that huge laser blast would have injured manic in the process of blowing a hole in the wall • why’s sonia so concerned about the police chasing them? aren’t the police chasing them all the time? • manic nyooms again when he gets out of the van • these robots aren’t observant at all are they • for once, reusing animation makes sense • yay the poor kids get homes now • as nice as this ending is, it isn’t easy to kick bad habits like thievery, especially when it’s like... part of your nature at that point? it’s odd

• god the perspective • also, this is exactly why i give everyone on this blog extended muzzles and more clear divides between their eyes when they’re looking to the side, otherwise they look cursed • IT’S TIME TO JUICE AND JAM

[the-nysh]

Lines from the dub’s script for Deku vs Kacchan 2

Since Crunchyroll’s subs had several translation errors, I was interested in seeing for myself how much better Funimation would do for the dub. I went in and transcribed most of the notable lines for ref and/or comparison’s sake. (Not for the purpose of comparing the voice acting however.) Also included are some of my thoughts/impressions for particular word choices at the end.  

K: Kacchan D: Deku AM: All Might A: Aizawa

Also bolded: important key lines to browse at a glance

K: “When you and I were kids, we both wanted to be like All Might, but I…had the potential. Then somehow a little nobody like you was singled out by the person I admired most, and I didn’t even realize it. That’s why we’re here. We are settling this. Right here, right now.

“I wanna know what made All Might give his power to a loser like you. (1) Lemme see for myself. Is it because you looked up to him more than I did? And if that’s the case…does it mean everything I’ve done to be like him is wrong?

“You were always behind me our whole lives! You were stuck to me; I couldn’t get rid of you. No matter how much I tried you kept coming back! (2)

“Don’t you dare worry about me! Attack me! (3) Why won’t you fight back!? Why did I end up having to chase after someone who was always so far behind me!? Why did a damn small fry like you get strong, and become the number one hero’s sidekick – his favorite!? (4) You got so much better! And I destroyed All Might! I admired him so much…but it’s because of me that he ended up losing his power! (5) If I had been stronger…if I hadn’t been kidnapped by villains, then it never would have happened. All Might knows it was my fault but hasn’t said anything. (6) Everyone has to know though! I can’t get it out of my head! It’s like it’s constantly playing on loop, so what the hell am I supposed to DO!?”

D: “No…he’s been carrying this guilt with him the whole time? Even more than me. He’s been blaming himself, obsessing over it…  

“It turned out our fight wasn’t what I thought it would be. It didn’t really matter who won or lost. That wasn’t the point. Even so, I felt like I had to go through with it. Because in that moment…I was the only person in the world who understood how Kacchan felt. (7)

“If I’m gonna do this, I’m going all out! I refuse to be your punching bag, Kacchan! Let’s go!

“He just needed to vent his emotions, and fighting was the only way he knew how. I couldn’t ignore him…or run off, not after everything we’ve been through. Our relationship to one another was totally screwed up: kindergarten, elementary, middle school, high school…  We’ve known each other for so long but until that point, we’d never talked about how we really felt.”(8)

K: “Can’t let him think!”(9)    

D: “My reaction times have gotten faster, much better than the last time we’ve fought. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…that we’ve both been getting stronger.”(10)

K: “What are you smiling about!? Huh!? I thought you weren’t gonna be my punching bag?! I bet you’ve got some kinda plan up your sleeve! That’s one of the things I hate most about you! (11) I can never tell what you’re thinking…no matter how much I beat you up you keep coming back! It’s obvious you’ve always looked down on me, even when we were kids! You think you’re better than me, but if you seriously believe you’re gonna surpass me as a hero, even with your new power! You better think again, Deku!”

D: “Wait…is that what you actually believed, all this time? Think about it, Kacchan. If I looked down on you I wouldn’t want anything to do with you anymore. But I’m still here. I noticed things you couldn’t all these years because I had nothing at first. There were things I hated about you, sure. But I could clearly see how amazing you were! You had so much going for you that I didn’t have. All Might was my hero, but you were the one actually in my LIFE! (12)

“I thought you were incredible, Kacchan. I wanted to see…what you’d become! That’s the reason…I kept chasing after you!

“I’d never admit something like this to your face, but the truth is…when I get riled up and my desire to win surpasses my desire to save someone…without meaning to, I start talking like you. You’re so mean sometimes, and I hate it, but my idea of victory is so tied to the image of you in my head, that in those moments I can’t help but imitate you. (13)

“You’re the best, that’s why I want to defeat you! I have to, in order to meet the expectations that All Might has for me!”  

K: “That’s it. We’re done here, I won this fight. You have All Might’s power, but even…using his strength, even after making it your own, somehow you still managed to lose to me. …Why? How could you lose?  

*to All Might* “Why did you pick Deku? It started when the Sludge villain came, didn’t it? So why him?”(14)

AM: “He was powerless, but still more heroic than anyone else. I knew you were strong, that much was obvious. You were someone who could already fight, so I decided that he should have a chance to stand in the ring.”

K: “…But now you know I’m weak too! I always wanted to be like you which meant being as strong as possible! But look what I did to you! Because I’m not good enough…”(15)

AM: “This is not your fault, young Bakugou. I was always going to lose my power. You couldn’t do anything to change that. You are strong, but I focused too much on your physical strength, and overlooked what was important. This isn’t your burden. I apologize; sometimes I forget that you’re children.

“After being a hero for so many years you learn a few things. Striving to be the best, like you, young Bakugou, and caring deeply about people, about rescuing those in trouble, like you, young Midoriya; both of those feelings are necessary in a hero, otherwise they’ll never truly be able to represent justice. That’s why you admire his strength so much, young Midoriya…and I know that’s why you’ve always feared his heart and spirit, young Bakugou. Now that you’ve laid your feelings out on the table, maybe you can understand each other. If you have mutual respect and focus on making one another stronger, I’ve no doubt you’ll become the ultimate heroes, winning and saving people at the same time.” (16)

K: “Dammit…that’s not what I wanted to hear. *to Deku* You…you had the strongest guy in the world lay the groundwork for you. Don’t you dare lose again. 

*to All Might* “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. I won’t tell anyone what’s going on. Unlike Deku I can keep my mouth shut. This will stay between us.”

D: “Thanks, Kacchan.” (17)   

AM: “I don’t deserve this; I should be down on my hands and knees begging for you to keep this secret for me. Yet here you are being considerate and helping me out. Thank you.”

K: “I’m not doing this for you. It would just be a real pain if this got out and messed stuff up.

*to Deku* “If this got out people’d be confused and they’d start wondering where the power is. You idiot, what were you thinking when you first told me about it?”

AM: “It was my own choice to use up the last of my abilities. I said this earlier, but…that was in no way your fault.”

K: *internally* “Yeah, sure. (18) It doesn’t change what I have to do. Things aren’t gonna be the same though, Deku, you got that? You’ve been watching me and everyone around you, absorbing what you see to get stronger. Well I can do the exact same thing and keep getting better myself! I’ll go higher than even you, chosen one.”

D: “Right…then I guess I’ll just have to be better than that!”

K: “You what?”

D: “I have to go higher than you!”

K: “Dammit nerd! I just said I was gonna be the one to surpass you!”    

D: “I know! And now I’m saying that I’m gonna go beyond that level!

K: “What?!”      

AM: “They’ve become proper rivals now, in a way that they weren’t before.

*to Aizawa* “It seems young Bakugou has been feeling like he was responsible for my retirement. He had to face the licensing exam with those pent-up emotions and then his inferiority complex exploded, and this happened. It’s all because I didn’t realize I was being negligent. This whole fight was brought about because of the failure of his teacher.”(19)  

A: “Who threw the first punch!?”

K: “I did.”

D: “I also went pretty hard. It wasn’t just him.”

*After credits scene*

D: “So…about my Shoot Style…what did you think of it?”

K: “…Your movements are too obvious. Even when you got faster I was able to dodge them. You’re not gonna win any fight that way.”

D: “Oh, right.”

K: “…And when you added in punches it really pissed me off.”

D: “Got it!”         

My thoughts, as listed numerically where noted (my sub commentary is here): 

The choice to include ‘loser’ here is kinda ‘hmm,’ since it adds another insult to the line that’s otherwise supposed to be his most honest/sincere. The prev line already had him say ‘nobody’ (instead of ‘pebble’) so this one felt a bit unnecessary. Other than that, I’m ok with this line, (actually it gives off a more accusatory/jealous vibe in general rather than genuine incredulity/confusion at the truth), but I do like him questioning ‘everything he’s done’ to show just how lost he feels.

I like how it’s worded here how much Kacchan tried to get kid Deku to stop following him to no avail. Because it’s an important distinction to make vs actively seeking him out (which would be untrue for Kacchan’s behavior). No matter what he did to either avoid or discourage him to stay away, he couldn’t understand why Deku would keep coming back to him regardless.  

I like the demand, ‘attack me!’ (as opposed to ‘fight me!’) because just as mentioned in this meta, it gives off the feeling of him seeking self-destructive punishment for his guilt.    

The words ‘sidekick’ and ‘his favorite’ used to describe Deku’s relation to All Might are new here! :O I didn’t expect either, (honestly being a sidekick doesn’t seem like a role Kacchan would want to have or be envious of Deku for) but the word ‘favorite’ was delivered nicely painful.

The timing for this line felt off, since the actual ‘wham’ part, and therefore the full impact about destroying All Might, was revealed before the pause where Kacchan raised his head. The part where he bares his face and rawest feelings to Deku then felt a bit lessened/repetitive because of that.

Whoa!?! :O This line punched me in the gut! ‘AM knows it was my fault but hasn’t said anything!’ (vs AM tried to keep it a secret, with ‘it’ being vague) NOW, there’s no doubt what he’s referring to, plus that he believes the person he admires most even blames him for it. That everyone, including AM, gives him the cold shoulder behind his back because they just know it was his fault. Holy fuck yikes, drive that guilt and self-loathing up to 11! D8

Deku’s the ‘only person in the world’ for even more EMPHASIS! 8D

:’))))) I’m emotional. I like how this was worded.

Ah good, the pronoun was fixed where Kacchan refers to Deku.

Oho? Manga had Deku referring to Kacchan, while crunchyroll had Deku referring to himself, now here’s the middle ground with Deku praising them both for their growth. :P

Ah, the first showing of the word ‘hate.’ (1 out of 3) The use of it is kinda eehhhh, but if there’s any solace, it’s only used to refer to traits about the other, rather than directly saying they outright hate the other person. So there’s a distinction (and it’s not that bad).

Hhhh, my heart. ;A; (2nd use of ‘hate’ referring to things about the other) But the ‘I’m still here/you were the one actually in my life’ get me right in the feels. Emphatically proclaiming that declaration to Kacchan’s face is pretty good! 8D

(3rd use) But only about ‘being mean sometimes.’ So as it’s worded, we have Deku disliking when Kacchan’s mean (understandable), yet he unknowingly imitates that same meanness when he strives to win like him too, adapting both his virtuous and unpleasant traits as his image of victory, ayyy. And of course, Deku internally confesses he could never admit this to Kacchan’s face out loud. :P

Oh. ;.; ‘So why him?’ made Kacchan sound so soft and small, like a betrayed and hurt little kid. Oof, that bit got me.

The ‘I’m weak/I’m not good enough’ lines just uurghghhhh hurt so good. Kacchan’s vulnerability/humility in front of All Might is done well. :’)  

Ayyyyy, All Might’s speech to motivate them to mutually improve together. :’))) I like how he summarizes the feelings they both have (Midoriya: caring deeply for others; Bakugou: fearing that heart/spirit). It’s clean and heartfelt.

Wah, :O I didn’t expect Deku to thank Kacchan for promising to keep AM’s secret. (AM thanks him too, but still…) It’s like…now they’re both genuinely surprised Kacchan is an honorable man who keeps his word (when, at least in Deku’s case, he should know how much Kacchan values AM and wouldn’t betray his trust, so that kinda thing should already be a given. So Deku thanking him for that, on top of his soft amazement, feels a bit odd???)  

Oooh, this bit said internally in response to AM’s reassurance now gives off the impression that Kacchan’s guilt isn’t completely gone/mollified; there’s still lingering doubt in the back of his mind that he caused this, even if he knows now what to do next.  

AM’s summary to Aizawa is pretty similar, yet it doesn’t mention mental heath/care, hmm.

Overall: pretty good! :) Worth a watch for those interested in the alternate available official translation! (At least until the subs are officially released on the blurays!) I give props to Deku’s voice actor for his sincerity and range throughout the whole ep. I preferred Kacchan in the latter half when talking vulnerably in front of All Might, since in much of the first half, he seemed to be yelling with sustained anger/frustration rather than choked anguish/pain that I would have liked to hear more. (Ahh, there’s really no comparison to Nobu’s performance, so that’s why I’m not going to discuss the eng vs japanese acting.)

The overall script was clean with several moments of improved polish over the subs that still got me unexpectedly in the feels. (’AM knows it was my fault.’/’You were the one actually in my life!’) Since many lines had to be reworked to fit for mouth flaps too, probably the only unfortunate consequence of that was the timing for Kacchan admitting to AM’s end. Most other additions I was ok with in the sense they weren’t bad, (meaning I can overlook them for the sake of overall enjoyment). Including an extra ‘loser’ and the word ‘hate’ 3 times was pretty ehhhh, but thankfully only used in the context of ‘things they hate about x‘ rather than they hate each other entirely (which would be incorrect). Therefore, the meaning of most key parts were conveyed mostly intact. 

Hopefully this will be useful to those interested in seeing (most of) the eng transcript without the means to watch the ep itself (or, according to individual availability/viewing preferences). :)

[easyobsession]

A Vow

SQUEE!! I feel like I’ve been working on this for DECADES when in reality it’s only been a few weeks, but IT’S FINALLY DONE! So here you are! I proudly present my latest creation, inspired by all the time shit happens and WWE likes to pretend Seth and Roman have never met and wouldn’t run out to defend each other.

Enjoy.

It’s all because of a promise.

A stupid promise, actually. A goddamn piece of shit horse crap fucking dumb promise.

It happened the week after Elimination Chamber. Roman had waited until Raw ended and they’d both signed autographs and taken selfies with the fans; after they’d gotten something to eat, showered, and settled in to bed at the hotel, taking a few minutes to simply come down from the day’s craziness and enjoy being in each other’s arms.

“I need you to do something for me,”

Much to Seth’s disappointment, he could tell whatever was about to be discussed wasn’t at all sexual, which was perplexing because aside from something dirty Seth truly couldn’t imagine what his lover would need to talk about. He could tell it was important though, from the way Roman had pulled back enough from their embrace to look him in the eye.

Seth let out a slow breath, frowning a bit as he finally responded.

“Okay…”

“I know things are starting to pick up for both of us at work,” Roman began, “Especially after tonight, our paths for Mania are becoming clearer.”

Seth nodded. Ever since he’d won the Elimination Chamber Roman had been getting ready for his match against Brock Lesnar, calling the other man out for not being around and arguing with Paul Heyman while Seth was heading into a feud for the Intercontinental Championship with Finn Balor and the Miz. Of course a small part of him wished he was the one going for the Universal title, but he was also beyond proud of his man for winning a title shot at Wrestlemania. Plus, this way they could both leave the Grandest Stage of Them All as champions (and maybe indulge in a longtime fantasy of fucking with nothing but the belts on).

“There’s gonna be a lot of shit starting,” the Samoan continued, “You know as well as I do Lesnar isn’t gonna let that title go without a dog fight, and I wanna take as much pleasure as I can ripping it from his hands-” he let out a small laugh as his boyfriend surged forward, kissing him deeply.

“I like when you talk like that,” Seth murmured against his lips, clearly not the least bit sorry for interrupting, “It’s sexy as hell,”

“You’re sexy as hell,” Roman returned, dropping another quick kiss before pulling back and blurting, “You can’t help.”

“What?” Instantly Seth’s arms fell from their position around his shoulders while his face filled with confusion and a bit of hurt, “What the hell does that mean?”

“You can’t come out and back me up,” Roman elaborated, reaching for the other man’s hands as he tried to explain, “Look, we both know this thing is gonna get ugly- it already is. This is something that started over three years ago and never really got proper closure. Don’t,” he put a finger to Seth’s mouth as it began to open, already aware of what he was about to say and having no desire to go over it again. They’d had many discussions both in private and with Ambrose since Seth’s cash in at Mania 31, and the event and Seth’s betrayal in its entirety was a thing of the past. Hell, Roman and Dean had even admitted that, personal issues aside, the move was pretty fucking epic.

“You know what I mean. It’s only gonna get worse from here. You know how tired I am of having a champion that’s never around- I’m gonna do everything I can to make the rest of the locker room and the fans see it that way too.”

Seth nodded, still unsure of why this meant he needed to apparently not get involved. He was completely on board with everything Roman said. Shit, so was a good percentage of the locker room. Even if some of their coworkers weren’t Roman’s biggest fans and hadn’t wanted him to win the Elimination Chamber, they were ready for a champion that actually showed up on a regular basis.

“And you know I’m with you all the way,” Seth promised.

“I know, baby. And you know that means the world to me,” Roman pecked the smaller man’s nose before continuing, “But this has to be something I do on my own.”

“…alright,” Rollins let out a small sigh but relented with a nod. It made sense that Roman wanted to do this without help and Seth fully believed he could and would, so while it sucked it wasn’t too ridiculous to suggest. Plus, since Dean’s injury nearly two and a half months ago the reboot of The Shield had been placed on hold and he and Roman were doing the singles thing anyway. “I won’t come out for the match,”

Roman frowned. The other man wasn’t getting his meaning and it broke his heart to actually say it out loud.

“Seth, you can’t come out at all,” he corrected, “No promos, no matches, nothing. And you can’t come defend me if anything goes south. Even if I’m getting my ass handed to me.”

“Wait a minute, you’re saying if Lesnar gets the upper hand and starts beating the shit out of you, I can’t come out?” Seth demanded, pulling away to glare at the other man, “What if he has back-up, Roman? Or Heyman makes some sort of deal and he’s got people backstage? They’re both so far up Vince’s ass you know he’ll give them whatever they ask for. What, I’m just supposed to stay back and watch you get hurt? That’s bullshit.”

“I have to do this my way. This is a two-man game, Seth. Him and me- that’s it. Nobody else can be involved.”

Seth cocked an eyebrow, “What about Heyman?” he questioned, causing Roman to shake his head.

“Heyman might be an asset at times, but at the end of the day there’s only two people in the ring,” he replied, “When Lesnar gets taken out, it has to be by my hands alone.”

“So what, this is all for your pride?” Seth scoffed, unable to believe what he was hearing, “Roman, come on!”

“It’s more than just my pride, Seth! It’s my dignity, my livelihood; it’s everything I’ve ever stood for!” Roman exclaimed, “It’s about a rivalry that’s gone on for years and finally proving once and for all who’s top dog around here. This is for me, it’s for you, it’s for Dean, our families, the fans, and everyone in that locker room!” his volume lowered significantly, eyes pleading for the man before him to understand, “This is about what’s right and proving that title still has value and holding it stands for something bigger than just one person. This is what we do, Seth. We fight because it’s what we love and because it means something,” he reached forward, grateful when his boyfriend didn’t yank his hands away again, “I have to do this.”

Seth grimaced down at the bed sheets. “If Dean were here-” he began, only for Roman to cut him off.

“Nothing would change,” he interrupted calmly, “I plan on telling him the same thing when I talk to him next. Whether he comes by to visit or gets cleared early, nobody else can get involved. Not you, Dean, the twins, anybody,” Roman let out a small breath. “I know this is gonna be brutal,” he promised, “Lesnar wants to break Punk’s streak and putting an end to that isn’t gonna come without a little pain. But I’m ready.” He leaned forward, letting their foreheads rest together.

“I have to do this,” he whispered, “It’s time.”

The entire situation blows, basically. Especially because Seth knows he can’t fault him for a word he said and what’s more, if the roles were reversed, Roman would respect his wishes and stay back. Hell, he already did when Seth had been fighting with Finn Balor for the very same belt years prior.

“I fucking hate you, Roman Reigns,” he pouts, finally allowing their eyes to meet again and making the other man laugh.

“I know,” he promises fondly, “But you love me too.”

“Yeah,” Seth leans forward to meet him for another kiss, “I really do.”

…

As expected, the promise sucks.

At first it seems like maybe fulfilling Roman’s wishes won’t be too difficult since Brock is never around. There’s much less of a chance for something to go south when it’s just back and forth with Heyman on the mic. Seth does get heated after Vince suspends Roman from Raw the following week, but he holds his tongue when the Samoan assures him it’ll be fine.

“They’re not used to someone calling them out,” Roman says patiently while packing up his belongings in the locker room. “It’s understandable. Not acceptable, but understandable. They’ll figure it out, even if I have to force the point,” He leans forward to peck Seth’s lips twice. “I’ll meet you back at the hotel. See if I can get us an upgrade to something with a Jacuzzi tub to celebrate you kicking Finn’s ass.”

…

But when US Marshalls appear the week after and put Roman in handcuffs, Seth isn’t so comfortable anymore. And when Brock comes out and attacks him with his hands bound, things get ugly backstage as well.

“HE CAN’T USE HIS FUCKING HANDS!” Seth shouts, unable to understand why no one else is as upset as he is about the situation. “And they’ve got some second-rate security guards and a few refs out there? What the hell, man?!” His heart nearly breaks in two as the man he loves is put on a stretcher, a bit of comfort coming at the sight of the Beast Incarnate seemingly having his fill of unnecessary torture only to be ripped away when Lesnar apparently reconsiders and heads back towards the ring.

“Seth, try to calm down-” Sasha gives him a look of sympathy as she and a few others block the locker room door. While loving him with all his heart, Roman knew the likelihood of Seth losing his cool was high and had taken precaution and spread word to a handful of their friends in advance.

“He’s on a goddamn stretcher, dude! This isn’t okay!” the Architect exclaims, searching for some way to release his fury at the situation, “Let me out!”

Apollo frowns, “Sorry man, Roman made us promise,”

“Fuck promises! There was nothing about stretchers in the stupid promise!” Letting out another swear, Seth throws a kick against the locker’s wooden paneling. “He needs help!”

“Honey, he has to do this himself,” Nia says gently, quickly echoed by Matt Hardy.

“She speaks the truth! It is a quest indeed the Large Canine himself must complete without the aid of even his most beloved,” Matt places his hands together, tone full of serenity as he speaks with complete confidence, “Though fear not, he who seeks the Title of Intercontinents! I have foreseen this journey’s end and can guarantee that after the necessary trials and tribulations have been conquered your suitor will indeed emerge triumphant!”

For a moment the room is silent, everyone turning to stare at the self-proclaimed Woken Warrior until finally Seth snaps out of it and questions, “Who the hell even let you in here?”

(It’s once Roman is being wheeled out to the awaiting ambulance and demands Seth stay for the rest of the show that he manages to calm down a bit simply because the other man is able to speak. The only reason he doesn’t ignore the instructions and head to the hospital anyway is because Mike Kanellis agrees to go in his place and keep him updated and Roman threatens to ban Seth from his bedside.)

…

“I should never have agreed to this,” It’s the following week that Seth is once again watching chaos unfold on the locker room’s tiny television screen.

“You know as well as I do if you go out there he’d never forgive you,” Dean Ambrose’s voice barks from the cell phone speaker, “Once he makes up his mind there’s no changing it. He’s a hard head like you.”

Seth doesn’t even bother arguing. It’s a trait all three of them have in common and they know it. “Yeah well, his head is giving me an ulcer,”

“He can handle it, Uce. Look, he’s holding his own, see? Totally fine,” Rollins can almost hear his best friend grimace a minute later when Roman goes flying through the stairs. “Shit that looked painful,”

“You’re really a big help, man. I can’t say it enough,” he comments dryly.

“Suck it up, Princess. He’s taking a couple bumps, not being permanently confined to a wheelchair. Get him some ice and maybe a shot of whiskey for yourself and quit the crying.”

Seth sits forward in his folding chair and stares at the monitor intensely, his left leg bouncing with nerves, “Get up, Roman. Come on, sit up,” he murmurs, letting out a sigh of relief when the other man slowly begins to rise.

“See! What I tell ya?”

“Dean, shut the fuck up.”

…

There almost isn’t even time to panic at Wrestlemania simply because everything happens so fast.

After an endless (epic) week in New Orleans, Sunday is spent doing last minute press and getting ready until show time.

Fresh off his triple threat victory, when the finale comes Seth is beaming from ear to ear as he watches the love of his life walk out to thousands of screaming fans. It’s obvious the Big Dog isn’t super over at the moment, but to Seth it doesn’t matter if he gets the crowd reaction of Daniel Bryan or Tommaso Ciampa. Love him or hate him, Roman Reigns owns this yard and everyone watching live in Louisiana and around the world through the WWE Network is about to see why.

It isn’t easy to watch. Roman kicks ass obviously, but after the third F5 Seth can tell the battle is wearing on him. Which is expected, of course, however throughout the entire match he can’t shake the feeling that something is off. Roman is on fire as usual, but there’s something in the air Seth can’t quite describe that has him shifting the Intercontinental title over his shoulder uneasily as he watches among countless other Superstars just past gorilla position backstage.

“Fuck,” the word slips out of his mouth without warning when red begins to seep at the Samoan’s hairline, and he can’t even bring himself to care that countless higher ups are milling around to hear his profanity. It’s clear from the hushed murmur of his peers he isn’t the only one starting to get anxious.

“That’s… a lot of blood,” Bayley points out nervously, Natalya nodding in agreement from her place nearby.

“Was that spot planned?” she asks, glancing to Jimmy and Jey Uso, who both shrug, and then Seth for an answer. But the Architect can only shake his head. Everyone knows Roman isn’t the type to go for gore or special effects; he’s been raised to always showcase talent over anything else. Besides, Seth knows that every attempt to contact Brock to map out the match had gone unanswered by the self-proclaimed mayor of Suplex City.

“…he’s not moving,” Renee breaks the silence after a few more minutes when Lesnar lands another F5, this time through the announce table. Even Dean, who can be seen connected via FaceTime on the phone in her hand, is looking a bit paler than usual.

Xavior Woods shakes his head. “He’s good, he’s just taking a second to regroup,” the gamer attempts to reassure the room as well as himself, staring on.

“Yeah,” The twins force themselves to nod, backing up the sentiment, “He’s got this,”

…

To everyone’s shock, Seth doesn’t try to rush out when the ref finally counts to three. Instead he remains silent, feet slowly moving until his back hits a concrete wall, the gleaming white belt slipping as he stares ahead with a blank face.

He didn’t expect this. He was prepared for a lot of things to happen tonight, but never did the possibility even cross his mind that Roman would lose.

He wants to throw up. He wants to scream and cry and throw a fit like a child whose mother refuses to buy them candy in the grocery store. Not because he’s upset with Roman for losing, but because of the situation as a whole.

This shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Lesnar was supposed to drop the title and go back to the UFC- that was what everyone heard. That was the plan. So something had to have changed. Except Roman would have told him if that had happened, there was no doubt in Seth’s mind. So what the hell happened out there?

The crowd of Superstars has spread out by the time the performers are arriving backstage, a handful giving Brock polite applause when he appears. The reigning champion barely spares anyone a look, shaking hands with Vince and a few other big wigs before making his way through the parted crowd, Heyman at his heels like that of an obedient Golden Retriever.  

It takes a little longer for Roman to arrive, a towel in one hand soaked with blood and a look of pure defeat clear on his face. His gaze is locked on the floor, unable and unwilling to look anyone in the eye until Samoa Joe of all people slowly begins to applaud. One by one the rest of the roster joins in, as well as a large part of the crew, meeting his eyes as they shower him with respect.

Roman sucks in a breath, doing his best to hold back the tears already building. While Vince only offers a solemn nod of the head, Hunter steps forward and pulls the other man into a hug, quickly murmuring words no one else can hear before releasing him with a pat on the back and push towards his peers.

The Superstars keep it brief, offering a few words of encouragement or a clap on the shoulder as he passes. Everyone knows what it’s like to come off of a huge match on the opposite side of victory, so the rest of the talent quickly disperses to finish their own tasks and give Roman his space.

It’s Seth that meets him at the end of the line, of course, finally having snapped out of his revere when Roman reaches him. Rather than speak he simply turns to the concerned ref nearby and holds up a hand, silently asking for five minutes before having the wound examined at medical. Receiving a quick nod in response, he follows Roman to their shared locker room and twists the lock behind him, dropping the title onto his bag before letting out a breath as his back hits the door.

For a moment there’s nothing but heavy silence, a small groan slipping from Roman’s lips as he lowers himself to a plush sofa in the corner the only audible sound.

Naturally, because he’s Seth Rollins and it’s what he does, Seth speaks first.

“I love you,” he announces, taking no offense when he receives  zero response from the other man’s bowed head, “There’s a lot more I want to say, and we both know I will eventually, but right now I’m just gonna say that I love you and I’m here and that’s never gonna change.”

A few beats pass before Roman opens his eyes, face rising as Seth crosses the room and crouches down in front of him. Rollins holds back a sob when their gazes connect. The other man’s face is the picture of a broken human being. A few tears have escaped and roll down his cheeks, devastation and frustration and humiliation just a few of the emotions radiating from his person.

“I didn’t know,” Roman’s voice is garbled, thick with physical and emotional exhaustion when he finally speaks, “They changed their mind and nobody told me. He was coming down the ramp when the ref pulled me aside.” He shakes his head, almost as if he himself can’t believe the situation. “I didn’t know,”

And because he isn’t sure what else can be done in this type of scenario, Seth just pulls him into his arms and lets him cry.

…

As much as he wants to believe the worst is over, Seth knows once Mania ends things aren’t going to ease up any time soon. The Greatest Royal Rumble is announced to be taking place in Saudi Arabia in just three weeks time, including a Wrestlemania rematch for the Universal Championship inside of a cell.

By now Roman is over his sad phase. He isn’t the type to feel sorry for himself anyway, but he has moments of weakness from time to time like anyone else because he’s human. Once those are over though, it’s back to protecting his yard and being the warrior everyone knows him to be.

And of course, now more fired up than ever, he’s also hellbent on Seth still staying out of it. Luckily Brock doesn’t show up (shocker) until the Raw before the Rumble, and even then somehow things manage not to get out of hand. So it isn’t as difficult.

Then they go to Saudi Arabia.

Don’t get him wrong, Seth totally loves the UAE. The cities are beautiful, the culture is incredible, and the people and the fans they meet are the best.

But some complete and total horse shit goes down at the Greatest Royal Rumble.

It’s not confusing. There’s not a debate. The rules announced before the match clearly state the first contestant’s feet to hit the floor is the winner.

Roman’s feet hit the floor first.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. It’s on freaking film.

But of course, by sheer coincidence and one of the only recorded times in history, the ref makes the wrong call.

Naturally, Seth is livid. He manages to remain in the back, but the locker room is rather impressed with the extensive vocabulary of curse words he throws out. Titus O’Neal even quietly reminds him they are indeed in a foreign country as guests and trying to make a good impression not just as a company but as individuals, so he does lower his volume slightly, but his peers still wear masks of surprise at his vast collection of swears.

Roman doesn’t even know how to react. He’s so exhausted at this point, between the physicality of the match and the mental fatigue, not to mention their bodies are all thrown off by the time difference, all they can do when they return to the hotel is exchange a few tender kisses and pass out in bed.

…

The following day on Raw, when they make the announcement that they won’t be reversing the call, everyone expects an encore of the previous evening’s tirade but Seth can’t even muster up the energy. Like Roman, he’s tired. He’s very, very tired. Hell, by now he’s barely surprised.

He does get pissed off when Bobby Lashley and Braun Strowman of all people get to run out and help defend Roman, and that they get to tag with him against Owens, Zayn, and Jinder. Because yeah, Seth gets that he’s doing his thing with Miz and Finn and the IC title and it’s epic, but he hasn’t completely forgotten Roman exists. Like seriously, Braun Strowman? Didn’t Roman try to run him over with an ambulance a while back?

But of course Braun didn’t make a promise to stay in the back and the man adores any excuse to beat the shit out of someone, so when management calls for him to head out and assist the Big Dog he doesn’t have to think twice.

Damn semantics.

…

It’s clear by now Brock won’t be dropping the belt any time soon, no matter what happens. Not until he beats and seemingly erases Punk’s record from the history books, outcome of the matches be damned. Management won’t allow any other result as a possibility. It’s crap and it’s unfair, not just to Roman but to the entire locker room and the fans, but they can’t change anything. So really, they might as well not waste time crying about it.

All they can do is show up every day and do their best to put on an amazing show for the fans time and time again and have as much fun as possible in the process. That’s why they got into this business in the first place: because they love what they do. Not because of notoriety or fame or ugly red belts, but because it makes people happy, makes them feel alive, and because it’s so much fun every single time.

Every night they lay in bed, almost unable to tell whose limbs belong to whom in the tangled mess under hotel sheets, bodies pressed tight up against one another, they make sure to remember that.

When the time is right, Roman will get his turn with the Universal championship; whether that’s next week, next month, or ten years from now, it’ll happen. And it’ll be the ride of a lifetime and Seth will be the first one out to the ring to celebrate.

Until then, at the end of the day, they have each other.

And as it happens, compared to that, the glory of a title is practically insignificant.

fin.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Hell’s Gateshead

Transmission date: Monday 6/Tuesday 7 March 2017

.

Running behind because it turns out longstanding medical conditions are about as likely as jobs to give you time off to talk shit about wrestling, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

.

Also because Fastlane was such bullshit it threatened to put me off Raw forever .

so now we have to deal with the aftermath of that .

sigh .

we open on some dramatic recaps of said bullshit, just in case you'd succeeded in repressing it .

jericho winning it for goldberg with his devastating manoeuvre of 'standing there' .

and brockberg for the championship at mania .

sigh .

there is no outcome to that that won't piss me off .

but anyway .

we're in chicago .

(go...i have forgotten all the sports teams in chicago) .

(cubs) .

(shit) .

but here's jericho, and chicago loves him .

gdi cole, stop saying how close we are to mania .

it reminds me how behind i am .

gonna be a mad rush of posts to catch up before then .

i need my own sign to point at for motivation .

jericho has a new sparkly jacket .

kind of mirror ball style .

and immediately in with the face promos .

been a while .

his argument is basically 'kevin's a twat' .

i'll be honest, i'm skeptical whether jericho can be anywhere near as good a face as he has been a heel lately .

but i'm prepared to be wrong .

chris is calling kevin out for an explanation of his shittiness .

long beat, and here he is .

weird seeing him come in without the belt .

kevin comes out like fuck you why would i answer your questions .

and now jericho proper unloads on him .

which is so weird after the last year or whatever of world-class friendship .

kevin says chris was never his best friend .

ooooooooohhhh .

chris looks genuinely hurt .

kevin just like i betray all my friends, have you seen sami .

apparently kevin picked chris up because hhh told him to be prepared for anything when he got the belt .

the large shadowy figure behind every questionable decision .

kevin is having far too much fun calling jericho a tool .

apparently it was chris accepting the kevberg match that pushed kevin over the top .

which seems fair, tbh .

kevin is apparently a nice guy for not straight murdering chris at the festival .

chris is like okay i kind of get this because ten years ago i would have dicked you over right back .

and apparently he doesn't need a best friend because he has the crowd .

or in his words .

the friends of jericho .

(cheer him on, maaaaaaaaan) .

jericho finally challenges kevin for mania, points at the sign really weirdly .

there's that elephant in the room addressed .

we've been waiting for that match .

kevin angles to make it a us title match .

i only remembered chris was us champ when they pointed it out .

his big jacket and fluffy scarf cover it up more or less completely .

and chris is like okay that'll be fun but let's fuck thsi shit up right now, maaaaaaan

.

cue punch brawl .

and...samoa joe appears? .

both of them stomp on chris a bit, hit sami's music .

the lovable skank man comes in with a chair, pretty much immediately loses it and gets beaten into a corner by kevin and joe

.

#youtried .

but chris gets the chair and wins the ensuing scrap .

hit his music, because apparently something was achieved .

and kevin and joe leave .

huh .

thought that'd be a tag match .

ad break, and foley has made it into two matches .

owens/zayn round #fuck this joke again now, and joe/chris later on .

someone in the crowd has a KALI 3:16 sign .

either there's a reference there i'm not getting, or that is the most delightfully strange crossover .

sami does a tope con giro over the ref like fuck you mustafa ali .

and lands on his shins .

ow .

stands up like it's ok i'm fine wait shit that really hurts why did i do that .

don't break your legs, sami .

we'd have to get one of your mexican relatives in to replace you .

i love how these two always pull new moves out in their matches together .

exhibit a: kevin hits a flip senton to the back of sami's head .

ouch .

that into a brainbuster (fuck you wellness policy) and another popup bomb for the pin .

sami is the human equivalent of the smash bros sandbag .

suplex him hard enough and a bunch of items will come out .

oh great, we get to hear from goldberg later .

but next, we have neville/swann for the cruiserweight belt .

when did rich earn a title shot? .

and in other questions, austin where the fuck is your banana .

austin gives us all another look at his package, cole and graves massively corpse on camera .

corey tries to parry some package jokes, cole is just like OKAY moving on here's rich swann .

young guns (handle this) .

oh, apparently this is rich's contractual rematch cos he couldn't have it earlier .

pretty sure that's not how it works, but w/e .

at least this match is reminding me of the best bit of fastlane .

(by miles) .

crowd are just like fuck this, let's do cm punk chants over everything because chicago .

fuck you, guys .

rich seems to have come into this match with the mindset 'nobody can beat me if i do everything at DOUBLE SPEED' .

which is working pretty well, tbh .

until he got bulldogged headfirst into the apron, that is .

crowd start an austin aries chant, the man himself is just like um okay thanks guys but maybe watch the match .

rich nails a high-angle senton (let's call it a swannton, sure) off the turnbuckle to the outside .

into a michinoku driver for a nearfall .

neville kicks out like fuck you, i'm from newcastle .

we used to jump off two-storey buildings onto each other to kill time at school .

i had to kill my breakfast with a michinoku driver every day .

i once had a forty-minute deathmatch with some fish and chips .

you know nothing, rich swann .

(daniel assures me this is an accurate representation of newcastle) .

comes back with an enormous superplex .

damn, but rich can take punishment .

flatliner to facekick to kick out, because, as aforemtioned, geordie .

does a phoenix splash to a complete lack of neville, who counters into that rings of saturn double armbar thing he does for the tap .

he needs a name for that .

my money's on 'hell's gateshead' .

austin turns up in-ring to interview the king .

who just stands there like fuck you you don't deserve my finely-crafted geordie words .

austin aries chants dominate, austin tries to get the crowd back on track .

neville like hey i said i was going to murder the division and that is very much a thing that i did .

austin like hmmmmm did you say there was nobody who could challenge you .

wonder where this is leading .

the crowd know .

nevile just like hahaha wait fuck seriously .

austin dramatically loses the shades .

he has both his eyes .

who knew .

neville's getting all up in austin's business, he's still trying to do the interviewer thing .

until he coldcocks him with the mic .

i am officially hyped for this feud .

austin loses the jacket and shit .

i'm guessing this is why no banana today .

chases neville out of the ring, stands there with his belt .

this is promising .

but now, enzo and cass are backstage .

and it's not a kfc advert? .

apparently not .

they've run into sheamus and cesaro .

cesaro like ummmm this is actually a cuppa coffee .

and they're both just ripping the piss out of enzo and cass for not winning the titles .

god, i love those two .

but apparently next, goldberg exists .

after an ad for mania .

which is in 13 days .

fuuuuuuuuck i have so much wrestling to mock .

but yes, now we have this fucking entrance .

both in the sense that it's a long intro, and that the man himself is an enormous entrance .

during this interlude, let's take a moment to ponder the popularity of Sir Shortmatches Shoutsalot here .

his popularity atm seems to hinge on the fact that he was away for 12 years .

by that logic, i've not been on wwe tv for my whole life, i should be over as fuck .

anyway, these riffs are mostly trying to distract me from the fact that this colossal entrance is universal champion now .

*facial twitch, facial twitch, sweat, snort* .

this man has  never been on any controlled substance, ladies and gentlemen .

apparently oldberg is humbled .

believe it when i see it .

and he's dedicating the red belt to the fans .

who are doing a cm punk chant, because fuck you, we're chicago .

bill nods along with it like the churchill dog .

and actually engages with the crowd .

you can't do that .

punk never existed .

this is canon .

quick, bring paul heyman in before that gets any more out of hand .

shockingly, paul hasn't come alone .

like that ever happens .

so here's Bouncy McDickchest himself .

paul dramatically introduces the two .

i'm reasonably sure they already know each other .

angry old man, meet dude who fucked your career .

brock is apparently here to shake goldberg's hand .

camera guy, can we please stop getting closeups on brock's weird, fucked-up ear .

i can't stop noticing it .

paul is just doing a speech while bill and brock twitch at each other .

whoever programmed brock's idle sequence needs firing .

am i alone in not giving a single percent of the smallest shit about this feud? .

paul calls goldberg a bitch, brock f5's him .

we get a brief recap of bromance rains, but now it's enzo and cass/gallows and anderson .

bit of smackdown editing there .

here's enzo to do some freestyling .

and his mate to do lists of people from chicago who've won things .

fun twist: all those people are michael jordan .

and here come the champions with their ongoing work in progress of an entrance .

you'll get there, guys .

dramatic recap stills of the fastlane match .

handy, because i'd forgotten the screwy finish .

couldn't remember why enzo was talking about controversy .

tbh, this is another feud i'm having some real trouble giving a shit about .

ooh, but here come sheamus and cesaro .

aka the good bit of this weird three-way feud .

just to lurk at ringside and drink coffee .

so yeah, this match is very much an event that is happening and taking up space in four dimensions .

enzo knocks cesaro's coffee out of his hands, he goes to colthesline enzo, hits anderson instead, dq, match over, let's brawl .

cesaro cleans everyone out, enzo jumps on his back princess bride-style, .

sheamus brogues him off .

i'm not sure of the physics of that .

but anyway .

the swirish connection win a segment, so i am happy .

they continue to work way better than anyoen expected .

but now, let's talk about the hall of fame .

and it's rick rude and his airbrushed crotch .

who i've just realised looks like 70's austin aries .

huh .

but i knew this, because, as aforementioned, super behind .

to the point where i have a magazine next to me with his name on the cover .

damn time-displaced television .

the hof lineup this year kind of looks like a sexual assault identity parade .

ew .

but anyway .

later, bayley talks .

but now, enzo, cass, cearo and sheamus fight backstage .

mick breaks them up, says fuck it, settle this in the ring next week, #1 contender match for mania, now fuck off .

steph appears behind him like hey mick office now .

so that's gone well .

but who cares, because now HA we HA have HA the most dynamic man in japan .

versus ariya daivari, who doesn't even get an entrance any more apparently .

well, so much for those prospects .

austin not on commentary after fighting neville .

which is definitely a shame .

his presence on mic will be sorely missed .

tozawa does his big wind-up fakeout punch, makes me wonder what'd happen if he fought tyler bate .

no punches would ever actually land .

and it'd still be compelling as shit .

seriously, that suicide dive .

fucking magic .

and snap german for the win .

so that happened .

sorry, ariya .

but more importantly, akira has a mic .

calling brian out for a match now .

and here he comes .

actually *wearing* his jacket for once .

brian's just like hey no i'll answer you tomorrow on 205 and meanwhile have lesson #5 .

end segment .

well that was basically just an advert .

but hey, it meant i got to fangirl over tozawa .

and now, here's the new day yes they are .

with their ice cream cart .

corey trying to protest and reminding us all that new day ice cream does not in fact exist yet so why do they have a box for it .

which big e is now making out with .

the man has few boundaries .

oh, apparently it's the 'new day pop-cycle' .

hooray for a pun .

big e claims that hosting mania qualifies them to host a quinceanera and a bris .

which i'm less than convinced by .

and then he calls out the shining stars, when the camera pans over and reveals they were there all along .

jobbing so hard they can teleport when people forget they exist .

so yeah, that's the match we're having right now .

and in the time it took me to type that, midnight hour to epico for the pin .

side note: i adore the vitriol corey has for new day segments .

but now a women's history month segment .

about trish and lita .

and we had byron and otunga to introduce the black history moth segments, so to introduce the women's history bit, here's...michael cole .

good job, wwe .

sigh .

but next up we have bayley, who is approximately 100000% more qualified to talk about this stuff .

but now it's...mick? .

introducing bayley .

why .

bayley comes in, embarks on high-fives and hugs and shouts to the rampside crowd, and i realise she's basically the female john cena .

bayley is everything that's great about cena .

but yeah .

mick introduces bayley, congratulates her, serves what purpose in the plot? .

bayley is sad because of the screwy finish .

god, that show had so many screwy finishes .

in a desperate attempt to make us care .

bayley points at the sign, take a shot of something wholesome and non-alcoholic .

does an inspirational speech about mania, gets emotional over her dirty victory .

mick like eh, forget about it, they all count .

asks her who her mania opponent should be .

this is not normally how it works .

but here comes sasha .

points at the sign, shot of something cooler and less wholesome .

sasha wants a match with bayley at mania .

not in an antagonistic way, just like let's burn this fucker down together .

mick supports this proposal .

but here comes charlotte .

who i'm going to go out on a limb will like it less .

and dana as her arm candy .

charlotte spins this as all a huge conspiracy against her .

continues with the wedge-driving between them .

shouts at mick, mick kicks back, enter steph .

and huge punk chants .

holy shit, steph both addressed it and explicitly mentioned punk .

i guess they can do that now he's a thing elsewhere .

steph is basically supporting charlotte's argument .

and shouting at mick for fucking up the management of her show .

fucking deafening punk chants continue throughout .

mick protests, steph is just like nope fuck you overruled bayley/charlotte at mania .

mick calls sasha the boss, steph objects .

he wants sasha involved, so proposes a contendership match next week .

steph's like okay but what about instead we have sasha/bayley right fucking now and if sasha wins we'll make it a triple threat .

because fuck you i'm stephanie mcmahon .

but first, let's have a video package of wrestlemania 1, courtesy of snickers .

wrestlemania classic .

wrestlemania cool original .

ready salted mania .

ahem .

(memo: daniel, get me some crisps) .

so yes, now we have bayley/sasha, with charlotte on announce .

and dana sitting behind her without a mic .

oh wait, no, she's standing .

i feel for dana .

can't have a headset or a chair .

this match is already joining the long list of things on this episode that are better than fastlane .

meanwhile, the huge question looming over the raw women's division remains .

namely, what in the name of all the fuck ever to have fucked is going on with emma? .

i do enjoy good-natured, low-aggression, tech-heavy matches like this .

where it's clearly just two friends putting on a show .

corey keeps addressing charlotte as 'your grace' .

that is not the accepted style of address for a queen .

what do you think this is, westeros? .

some really top-quality mat wrestling in this match .

they're both really technically strong .

i do think that's something the division has lost with it being all charlotte all the time .

charlotte and dana ominously approach the ring .

side note: have charlotte and dana basically come as the two looks of gaga from the singles off joanne? .

dana just needs a big hat and we'd be there .

sasha locks in a nasty bank statement, dana distracts the ref, sasha kicks charlotte and reapplys for the pin .

i think that's how it went down .

weird finish .

and i was distracted by whoever's at ringside with a palestinian flag whenever the camera comes near them .

bold .

cue some brawlery, ending with charlotte posing with the belt and walking off to her music .

also, clarification: i meant "for the tap" .

sasha did not somehow manage to pin her with a bank statement .

that wouldn't work in any way .

but now, let's talk about brauman strains .

and play that recap clip again, in the right place this time .

so we have braun settling his business with roman later, but first an interview with hhh and a look at seth doing physio .

but before first, charly interviews roman about how he feels about his imminent conversion to samoan-flavoured jam .

he's like yeah whatever and leaves .

welp, fuck that guy .

but now, seth/hunter .

dramatic recap clips of last week .

with hunter saying he'll fuck seth up if he comes to mania, and seth being like yeah well i'll be the last man you'll ever fuck .

(i may have paraphrased slightly) .

and now we're at the therapy centre .

where seth is doing physio three times a day .

and as somebody who's done a bunch of physio, fuck .

lots of shots of him in pain .

seth's promising to be at mania if he has to sprout wings or invent a bionic limb or whatever .

but now, triple h is LIVE via satellite from...fuck, who knows .

a questionably-decorated room somewhere .

or the base of a basalt cliff .

who knows .

hunter does his wrestling dad thing like hey i just hope seth's doing his therapy and listens to his doctors and maybe DOESN'T FUCK WITH MY SHIT .

his parenting style is questionable .

hunter's letting his facial hair grow out some, and it doesn't suit him .

calls seth out for trying to push his own nicknames, which is fair .

and reiterates his threats .

that interview was about 80% the promo from last time .

corey does a bit about wanting his friend to be sensible and not anger the gods, interrupted by FUCK YOU WOMP WOMP WOMP .

(womp womp) .

it's joe, is what i'm trying to say .

if that didn't come across .

so we're having that match now .

ooh, emma video .

confirming that yes, this whole thing was either a troll campaign or an aborted angle, and emma will be back soon with her usual look and attitude .

well thank fuck for that .

maybe she was just waiting for austin to stop using those aviators .

you know you can buy them in shops, right .

? .

and now we have jericho, wearing fewer clothes than earlier .

down to the classic pants/scarf combo .

meanwhile joe's changed the colour of his shorts again .

keeps the same style for 189 years, then as soon as he changes them, he can't stop .

apparently sami and kevin are banned from ringside for this .

thanks for mentioning that cole, since it was said at precisely no point prior to this .

Chris goes for the walls, joe's just like nope fuck you i am large and dragon screws him off .

knocks joe out of the ring, tries to baseball slide him, but joe just catches him into a coquina clutch .

chokes him out, leaves him at ringside for the countout .

which is unsatisfying yet perfect, because samoa joe personally hates each and every one of us .

brings jericho back in after the bell for some more punishment, eats a codebreaker for his trouble .

but next, raw man brains .

we see braun backstage, walking so purposefully that it just looks like he's trying to catch and possibly eat the steadicam guy .

hype bits for next week, and BRAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH .

calls roman out like this isn't for a match fuck all that wrestling bullshit i just want to kill you come out and let me .

says chicago doesn't like roman, gets the biggest face pop of the show .

long beat, roman's music .

which BONG immediately BONG becomes BONG...something else .

...why is the undertaker here .

oh right, they're gonna do taker/strowman at mania, aren't they .

makes a kind of sense .

well, this at least shows us that there are longer intros than goldberg's .

the crowd are very impressed .

awkward faceoff, then braun slowly backs out of the ring .

even he has his limits .

braun wanders out through the crowd like fuck you guys, i never wanted to be here anyway .

taker's music hits again, is interrupted by roman's .

and now he's here .

so basically, i have no fucking clue what's going on .

the crowd are less than impressed by this latest turn .

or so i think, the crowd mics are leveled down so far it's hard to tell .

taker has done nothing but stand and stare in this segment .

roman's got a mic, and he's actually talking smack to taker .

bold move .

wants him to fuck off out of roman's ring/yard/dojo/whatever metaphor .

taker stares angrily at the sign, chokeslams the life out of roman .

chicago approves, and so do i .

taker's music hits again, he walks off, still without saying a word .

maybe that half-dead squid in his voicebox has got worse .

hard to take him seriously up in roman's business going HRGMFLGHGHML .

see, i can speak squid .

and now an interlude, while i go and check that i haven't accidentally offended any cephalopods reading this and daniel rehearses his performance poetry

.

take it away .

---------------- .

That wasn't bad, Daniel .

I didn't quite get the chicken bit, and it could probably stand to lose a couple of the recitations of the full script of For A Few Dollars More, but yeah .

in any case .

Running a bit later than planned (naming no Eastwood fans), and still hopelessly behind, this is TUESDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

holy shit, that's actually correct .

a fortnight off being the right tuesday, but still .

where i need someone with catchy music to turn up and get x gon give it to ya out of my head .

but we're opening with a dramatically-edited recap of the bray/randy drama/casual sacrilege .

which is mostly serving to remind me how disappointed i am that we're not getting harper/wyatt at mania .

also, booooo face randy .

but i am definitely intrigued to see how this story goes .

farewell to the hell temple barn .

before i even had the chance to make a single la-mulana reference .

(well, that one counts) .

and now we're live .

here come the moneeeeeeeey .

in his crap jacket and no tie .

also here come the bryan .

okay, apparently it's already been decided that we're getting orton/styles for the contendership tonight .

but shane opens by saying that it hasn't been decided .

i think someone should get fired .

bryan wants randy to have the match, shane backs aj .

bryan's argument is basically TRADITIONNNNNNN .

which shane counters with fucked if i know what's going on this year, tradition clearly doesn't count .

which is a sound argument .

shane's just doing his best to cope with all the shit these wacky wrestlers throw up .

and they keep bringing up vts whenever they mention shit that's happened .

guys, we watch the show .

(daniel would like me to clarify that he does not, in fact, watch the show) .

the indianapolis crowd (go colts) are conflicted about this whole situation .

so now bryan is dramatically announcing that he previously announced the plans for tonight on facebook .

not convinced this is how announcements work .

apparently this is big because we've never seen orton/styles before .

but 50% of that is randy orton, so i'm finding it a little hard to care .

but up next, the mixed tag between bella/cena and carmella/ellsworth .

and lots of shitty jokes by jbl .

(these may continue for the next 90 minutes) .

after another advert in which pitbull reminds me how close mania is getting .

aaaaaaaaa the inexorable march of time .

and now, aj collars the management backstage .

apparently there's a conspiracy against him .

and he feels the best way to deal with this is to shout at his bosses .

he's like whatever fuck it i'mma go murder randy orton peace out .

but now, ellsworth has a mic .

he's actually cutting an honest-to-god promo .

which was good until he forgot how words worked for a moment there .

seriously, the man is just lana in a bad hat .

and i kind of love him for it .

indianapolis seems a lot more pro-cena than a lot of crowds .

but now let's interrupt this episode of smackdown to talk about cena's feature interview in muscle and fitness .

odd sign on hardcam for this episode is 'PaBLO' .

weird capitalisation and all .

bell rings, miz and maryse immediately turn up .

the faces stare dumbfounded for a while, until nikki gets kicked in the head by carmella .

cut to ads, and we come back with miz and maryse on announce .

nikki tags cena, ellsworth stays on the apron like fuck this i'm out .

carmella takes it to him about this, shoves him bodily into cena .

then starts shouting at cena, and gets smacked down by nikki .

nikki and cena both do five knuckle shuffles, and it's evident which of them has done it every match for a decade .

into an aa and a rack attack, for the pin .

at which point miz and maryse immediately blindside them .

and now miz gets to do his speech .

apparently cena is a liar and his relationship with nikki is a sham .

because we're dredging the pre-nup drama from season 1 of total divas up again? .

and apparently cena is stealing miz's shtick .

and doing everything in service of his brand .

which is kind of true? .

i do love it when miz gets to properly rip into someone .

maryse takes the mic purely so she can call nikki a bitch and then throw it at her .

makeout, end segment .

apparently later alexa will be presenting a 'blissertation' .

fuck the what .

but now renee nervously interviews randy at his dressing room .

he's like fuck alla y'all, i burnt down a hell church .

which is a solid argument .

cursory hall of fame thing, rick rude still a person that existed .

cut to the ring, where curt hawkins is suddenly here and calling out dean ambrose .

what the fuck is even your deal, dude .

oh hey, dean is actually coming .

comes out with the ic belt i forgot he had .

coldcocks curt halfway down the ramp, proceeds to call out baron himself .

meanwhile, tom calls curt hawkins 'burt', and mauro calls him 'chad' .

ooooooh, callout about baron not having testicles .

3edgy5me .

baron appears on the tron from his alleyway .

promises to kill dean when he wants to .

dean resolves to come to him instead, perfunctorily hits a dirty deeds on curt on the way out for giggles .

women's history month thing, announced by precisely no women .

also, this is the exact same video as on raw .

black history month had different people each night .

but nope, we can't think of that many women .

and now, dean is backstage looking for a giant dickhead .

weird cut .

to an advert for the kids' choice awards? .

whatever, smackdown .

you do you .

and then cut back to dean, elsewhere backstage .

and then to dasha interviewing mojo rawley? .

FUCK .

SLOW DOWN .

mojo's wearing a waistcoat and tie, and it looks like his mum dressed him .

he's entering the andre the giant battle royal, because that's apparently still a thing .

dolph appears to mock him .

although how you can mock anyone when you're rocking that horrible topknot and low-cut top combo .

mojo gets to throw a bit of shade back, dolph leaves .

cut to dean somewhere else, because smackdown wants me to have an aneurysm .

and baron ambushes dean and just fucking assaults him with a pipe .

dean's just like yeah okay good talk .

because dean .

baron drops him under the prongs of a forklift and lowers them on him .

is this a reference i think it iiiiiiis .

security appear to remind baron he's not allowed to operate machinery .

and call medical for dean .

cut back to the arena, where jbl's take on the situation is basically 'welp, fuck that guy' .

and i can't argue .

but now here are alexa and mickie .

for the oh god i'm not typing that horrible pun again .

this segment presented by snickers: eat a snickers, do a thing. .

alexa's on the mic, and already fire as usual .

she's like oh hey who am i not going to be fighting at mania point at the siiiiiiiign .

she proceeds to list basically the entire division .

while mickie laughs at her jokes .

starts talking smack about becky, and guess who turns up .

(it's not david arquette) .

she's here to make a beclaration .

which she apologises for immediately .

becky says she's going to kill her at mania point at the siiiiiign, and here's nattie? .

becky has been addressed as 'chucky' and 'beaker' so far this segment .

i think they might be reaching a bit .

aparently nattie and alexa are "championship calibre material" .

that is not how those words work .

alexa's immediately just like ha fuck no i'm not fighting you .

argument ensues, mickie shouts them all down for interrupting alexa's segment .

while they should be announcing how mickie's going to fight alexa .

alexa's just like ummmm excuse you .

nobody actually knows what's going on .

cue general argument .

but hey, here's bryan to resolve matters for these feeble women .

he's just like um guys this segment is shit let's sort it out .

apparently him and shane have decided alexa can prove that she's the best in the division by fighting everyone in it .

because hey, why should the tag division have all the 'chuck everyone in the same match because fuck it' fun? .

and he's also making a cheap teddy long reference .

and also a tag match with these four .

becky/nattie, which makes approximately no fuckng sense .

but then, i guess tensions are a bit high in the heel corner as well .

alexa goes down to the shittiest basement dropkick ever from nattie .

more akin to just slipping on an unexpected icy patch .

luckily, becky tags herself in to kick it up approximately 213 notches .

i could watch becky/mickie and becky/bliss for a long time .

i mean, i do still think nattie's largely underappreciated, but everyone else in this is just *so much better* .

heel shenanigans take becky down for a weirdly long time of nothing at shitting all .

nattie is trying to urge her partner on in a very familiar wrestling-mum way .

has she forgotten she's a heel now .

becky doesn't give a shit, and is just winning the match on her own .

until nattie just comes in and suplexes her because fuck it .

nattie walks out, alexa gets the pin .

good match, but why the fuck would it not be .

alexa and micke celebrate, right up until mickie kicks alexa in the head and poses with her belt .

smackdown live, where everyone hates everyone .

now let's have an ad for summerslam, because forward planning is good, kids .

and some recap vids of the baron/dean attitude segment .

which just serve to let jbl complain more .

oh, and a medical statement .

which basically informs us that dean's chest is suffering from a nasty case of 'having a fucking forklift lowered on it' .

talking smack this week has miz and maryse, alexa bliss, and...apollo crews? really? .

was the idea not to have people who were actually on the fucking main show? .

but in happier news, here's austin aries to do a 205 ad .

he looks weird without the shades .

but now, our main event .

they continue not to want none .

aj has a mic .

and is calling out the ridiculous double standards around this match .

he wins a bunch of matches, still has to fight for this spot and generally to be taken seriously, while randy burn's down a man's house and gets a title shot for it .

when you put it like that, wrestling all seems kind of ridiculous .

crowd start chanting for aj, he only gets more pissed off .

like shut up guys i know who i am .

and here comes said unrepentant arsonist .

everyone's hyping 'the greatest smackdown live main event ever', and i can't help but feel like we'll be disappointed .

match starts, and the crowd have no clue who to chant for .

well this is certainly a lot of side headlocks .

otunga calls randy's infiltration of the wyatts "one of the most methodical plans ever seen in wwe" .

which is not exactly the highest bar .

planning has never been the strong suit of anyone involved .

this is a very methodical match on the part of aj, which is to say it's really fucking dull .

woman in the crowd starts talking really loud shit at aj while he's at ringside, so randy drops him on the barricade right in front of her .

after which she really awkwardly tries to touch randy .

fuck the wrestling, there's a biopic right there .

i want to know more about this weirdly invested lady .

aj gets randy in one of those aggressive hug submission holds where it's really hard to tell who's trying to submit who .

his main offence in this is either headlocks or kicking randy in the legs .

like i say, that's a style that makes perfect logical sense and probably works, but that is not what we watch pro wrestling for .

randy does his big powerslam, followed by a full nelson slam rather than his usual vipering out .

side note: aj still has the club insignia on his tights .

did we ever get a clear conclusion on whether they're still friends or anything? .

randy tries to spike aj off the turnbuckle, gets a facefull of ring post and an ushigoroshi for his trouble .

aj winds up the styles clash for about fourteen years, randy counters out into his draping ddt .

which aj also counters out of .

into a calf crusher .

still one of the more legit painful-looking holds out there .

randy gets to the ropes after much manly roaring .

aj goes for a stinger splash, randy counters by just being like oh hey i can walk away from this spot .

does the draping ddt, snakes up the band .

but aj counters the rko with a pele kick .

okay, this match took some time to get going, btu this is good .

aj starts the phenomenal forearm then cancels out, leading randy to rko some air .

but then randy dodges a springboard 450 into a popup rko for the pin .

so we're back to bray/randy at mania .

remind me again what the point of the last month was? .

randy gets up on the turnbuckle, appears briefly torn between doing the pretty and pointing at the siiiiiiign, then plumps for the latter while a despondent aj lies on the ramp .

and so we fade, with an overwhelming sense of inevitability .

on which note, time is continuing to move forward, so i'll cut myself off now, but expect me back sooner rather than later .

daniel, roll credits .

YOU HAVE BEEN READING WWEM .

WORDS: EMMA .

EVERYTHING ELSE: DANIEL (ALSO THESE WORDS)