#fabian's on the aroace spectrum too in my head

[theepitomeofamess]

was thinking about fabian & riz at lunch again & needed to get thoughts out about my darling boy

Fabian thinking he's so much like his father. Fabian seeing Aelwyn & recognizing his mother--beautiful, mean, inebriated, guaranteed to outlive him, maybe kill him--and immediately telling her he loves her. after all, his father proposed to his mother before he knew her name. Fabian wondering why his infatuation faded after she domesticated, after he'd seen the wilds of Leviathan, after he realized how much he was not his father.

Fabian meeting Mazey & Ivy, recognizing his patterns, & deciding to try the soft option. he's not so much like his father, why shouldn't he have something soft, a simple, easy waltz compared to the tango he thought he'd enjoy. He doesn't need to recreate his parent's love story.

Fabian not recognizing for years that he already has. Fabian not recognizing there's already someone who's thrown themself at Fabian's feet in spite of his previous injury to them. Fabian not recognizing the creature of chaos that would rather burn down the world themself than lose him. Fabian not recognizing his anchor to reality, the one who most consistently leads him into what's important, that, between disparate lifespans and their collective pension for barreling head-first into life-threatening situations, he will one day have to learn to live without. Fabian not recognizing that he categorically refuses to think about that.

Fabian not recognizing that he gets the same feeling in his gut from the first time he saw Aelwyn when The Ball starts eating Kalvaxus. Fabian not recognizing that the feral look Riz gets when his eyes slit feels the same as when he watches his Papa take a turn toward violence. Fabian not recognizing how much better it might have been if his parents were best friends before Bill proposed. Fabian not recognizing how much he's like his mother.