Can't Fix Fix A Broken Heart Chapter 22
18+ MDNI on Ao3 All chapters
I'm still writing chapters for my other works, I've just been in a yandere-y mood lately.
Thatch POV
Being so cruel to you had nearly broken Thatch’s heart. It had taken everything in him not to console you after you started crying in the mess hall. He felt even worse for force feeding you, he could tell you weren’t going to eat the moment you’d walked into the mess hall. But you needed to be reminded of who made the rules and who followed them. He’d only given you what you asked for and you couldn’t handle it. True, he knew you meant that you wanted to sit on your own chair, but he wasn’t going to let that happen. Not when it was one of the brightest parts of his day, something he got to look forward to multiple times a day. You were steadily gaining a bit of weight with him, which had brought a glow of health to your visage. He couldn’t have you undoing all his progress.
It just so happened that the bi-monthly Commanders’ meeting was this afternoon. He’d let Marco know that they needed an extra few minutes between them afterwards as well. Ace was still sailing back to the Moby so they would appraise him of the situation later. Ace was a good third to have, he just needed a little guidance from his brothers. He was so much younger than them, after all. Ace had been with them sexually for a while now, but he really was more of a switch rather than a true submissive. Having you with the three of them rounded out the relationship, helping them all to feel more fulfilled. Marco and Thatch were trying to show him by example how to handle you, with correction and punishment needed only occasionally. He’d met you first, so by rights you were his, but it was always better when good fortune was shared among siblings.
Thatch settled in for the long meeting, looking over the agenda. He needed to pay attention, but the only thing he could think about were the tears that had run down your face and your shoulders slumped in submission. He wanted to find you and discipline you now, he didn’t like to delay the punishments and build anticipation like Marco did. He wanted to punish and soothe you, bringing you back to him with love. Unluckily for you, their attendance at the meeting was mandatory so you’d have to wait until it was over. Thatch sighed and tried to concentrate on Blenheim, who was running the meeting, without much success. It would be a long few hours.
~~~
Once the neverending meeting was finally over, Marco plopped himself down next to Thatch in the meeting room. All the other Commanders were filling out, but they had a lot to discuss. Thatch wanted to fill Marco in about breakfast and recap the situation from your panic attack.
“Has Pops asked you about grandkids yoi?” Marco began, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.
“Yeah, so embarrassing. He asked me yesterday.” In that way, Oyaji really was more like their father than their captain.
“He’s not going to stop, he’s gotten it into his head that he needs a grandchild before he dies,” Marco complained.
“I wouldn’t be opposed,” Thatch said slowly, “but I don’t think now’s a good time. She’s not quite stable yet. And she’s still underweight.”
“True. We need to wait until she regains her regular menstrual cycle and puts on more weight. I also want to see her sleep improve more. Then we can see about some fertility drugs. Might speed up the process and get Pops off our backs,” Marco mused.
“Well, about her weight, there was an incident this morning I wanted to talk to you about…” Thatch told a very interested Marco about your small attempt at independence this morning. The more he described your disobedience, the more Marco smiled.
Y/N POV
Every instinct inside you told you to run and hide so no one could find you. But you knew that was a bad idea and would only make Marco and Thatch angrier than they already were. Thatch for the breakfast incident, and Marco for the infirmary incident. You were honestly scared to meet up with either one of them, but you knew it was going to happen one way or another. You ended up holed up in one of the crow’s nests, putting some finishing touches on the nurse uniform redesign you’d been working on. It was slow going because every time your mind drifted from the designs you thought about the punishment that was looming over your head. You had barely gotten any work done when Deuce came up the crow’s nest ladder.
“Ah, hello. Time for lunch,” Deuce said awkwardly, fiddling with his jacket cuff.
“What - Why are you here?” You hoped you weren’t being rude, you were just puzzled why Deuce of all people was bringing you to lunch.
“Marco told me to come get you to eat. The Commanders are all in a meeting and you need dietary supervision,” he said shrugging. You paled thinking about the meeting Thatch had mentioned.
“Ok, I’ll come down,” you said, grabbing your things. You had been nervous for lunch with Thatch but had also been hoping to talk to him or try to get him into a better mood. You didn’t think you could avoid punishment altogether but you thought you might be able to mitigate it if you showed him how much you appreciated him. You came down the ladder and followed Deuce to the private dining room. He’d already brought the food in and took a seat opposite you at a plate of his own.
“Sorry you have to do this,” you said apologetically. You felt bad that Deuce had to work more to cover up for your mistakes.
“I don’t mind. At least it’s quiet in here, which is a nice change of pace.” Deuce began eating and you tried to as well. You picked at your food, attempting to eat some of it. Your stomach was in knots and you didn’t think you could keep much down. You moved the food around your plate, waiting for Deuce to finish eating so you could leave. Once he’d eaten his fill, he brought out a small notebook and pen. He glanced over at your plate and made a few notes.
“You’re not going to regain any weight if you don’t eat more,” Deuce reminded you. He finished writing and put the notebook and pen away.
“Are you reporting this back to Thatch?” you asked worriedly.
“Yes. And Marco,” Deuce supplied neutrally, gathering the dirty plates. He didn’t know the implications of what he had just told you, but you felt like there was a weight bearing down on your neck. Now they’d know you hadn’t eaten lunch either, just proving Thatch right yet again. You laid your head in your hands. You didn’t know what to do to alleviate the tension radiating from within you. You felt a hand clap onto your shoulder, and looked up to see Deuce giving you a supportive smile.
“I know they can seem scary, but they’re actually quite kind once you get to know them. I’m sure they’ll go easy on you.” Deuce left, taking the plates with him. Oh, how wrong he was.
~~~
After lunch you were a bundle of nerves and you couldn’t focus. You spent hours of your time pacing the deck, trying to calm down. You were picking at your skin, your fingers, and biting your lips. You tried to stop but as soon as you weren’t actively thinking about it to prevent yourself, you started again. You knew Marco and Thatch would be upset you’d been picking at your skin. You wanted to ask for help but Marco and Thatch were busy and mad and you were worried and stressed and your stomach hurt and and and
And you felt someone hug you from behind, putting their chin on the top of your head. You detected the smell of a match after it had been extinguished. You leaned your head back and saw shaggy black hair and a smattering of freckles smiling at you from behind.
“Ace!” you exclaimed. You were truly happy to see him. You spun to face him and hugged him tight.
“When did you get back?” you asked into his chest, not releasing him from your hug.
“A couple of hours ago, I had a few things to do before I saw ya.” You squeezed him tighter.
“Whoa there tiger, what’s going on?” Ace pried you off of him, looking you over. You wilted under his gaze.
“What’s got you so shook up?” Ace asked with concern, pulling you to the side of the deck. He stood opposite you but kept his arms around your waist.
“I messed up and Thatch and Marco are mad at me and are going to punish me and I’m -I’m scared.” You said it all in a rush while looking out at the water, eyes filling with tears but trying not to cry. You had been anxious all afternoon and it was coming to a head. Ace sat down cross legged on the deck, pulling you into his lap with him.
“You broke the rules?” Ace asked you softly. You nodded and Ace rubbed your arms.
“You don’t have to be afraid, it will be OK. We’re never going to hurt you. Once the punishment is over, it’s all in the past. It’s a way to show we care about you. I’ve been in trouble lots of times and I’ve always been fine. Besides, isn’t it a little fun to be punished?” Ace remarked with a twinkle in his eye. Thinking about the last time you saw Ace getting punished sent shivers down your spine. You didn’t think you could handle anything close to what he had and you definitely didn’t think it was fun. You’d been loved by other people in your past and had never experienced anything like this situation before. You didn’t think love needed punishments, but maybe relationships with pirates were different.
“I’m sorry this is your welcome home, Ace. Sorry I couldn’t be good.” You hung your head. He didn’t reply to your comment, but his expression faltered.
“Come with me, they sent me to get you.” Ace stood up, giving you his hand. You took it and he hauled you to your feet. You hoped he wasn’t mad at you too.
“Nothing really bad will ever happen to you here,” Ace replied. “We love you and are going to keep you safe, no matter what. You’ll see.” You appreciated the sentiment but the closer you got to the stairs the more the sense of foreboding grew within you. Ace led you by the hand to the Commander’s meeting room and herded you to the door.
“I’m not staying. I have a lot to catch up on, but I’ll see you later.” Ace kissed the top of your head and pushed you into the room gently, shutting the door behind you. Thatch and Marco were already seated, stern expressions on their faces. You didn’t see another seat available, there was just a cushion on the floor, so you stood. It reminded you of the first meeting you’d all had together where you’d gotten your first set of rules. You fidgeted in place waiting for someone to start talking, squirming more the longer the silence dragged on.
“Sit yoi,” Marco said firmly. You spotted another chair from the edge of the room and started to walk towards it.
“No, on the floor.” On the cushion? Like a dog? You swallowed your pride and sat on your heels like Marco told you while your face heated. You felt too embarrassed to speak or look up from your seated position. You felt like you were on trial, or at the center of an interrogation.
“We have a number of things to discuss, yoi. Let’s begin with what happened the other day on the Moby Jr.” Marco didn’t sound upset or angry, just serious.
“I’m sorry, Marco. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” You preemptively began with your apology, knowing it was going to have to come anyway.
“Why are you sorry?” Marco inquired in a neutral tone. You looked up at him with a slightly furrowed brow. He had read the report right? Maybe he just wanted you to explain it point by point so you knew how badly you messed up. You played with the hem of the pillow by your feet, pulling at a loose thread.
“Because I freaked out and um, hurt myself, and um, it happened a second time, and I um, couldn’t work the next day. I didn’t mean to make you angry.” You hoped he didn’t want more details on the freaking out, it was kind of difficult for you to remember a lot of what happened. You were pinching your fingers with your nails from nervousness. Marco exchanged a look with Thatch.
“Why would I be angry at you for that yoi?”
“Um, because I was bad? And, um, b-broke the rules?” You looked down at the floor, ashamed of yourself.
“Look at me,” Marco said softly. You brought your eyes up to meet his. “None of what happened on the Moby Jr. or afterwards was your fault. You weren’t bad yoi. We just need to talk about it.” You felt lost - you really wished you were sitting in Marco’s lap and getting some physical reassurance from him but it didn’t feel like the time to ask.
“Obviously, you were unable to control your reaction to whatever was happening yoi,” Marco said frowning. “Has anything like that ever happened before?” You nodded, it had happened a few times since you’d been off the Marine ship but you’d hidden it from the Brothers. It was easier then, you did your own thing with no supervision.
“It’s just something else you need help with. And of course we’re going to help you yoi. You know there’s no one else in the world who cares about you like we do.” You nodded, meeting Marco’s intense gaze. You knew they cared about you and had brought you to the ship when you didn’t have any other options.
“I know. Thank you, Marco.” You felt a little better that Marco wasn’t upset at you for the infirmary incident.
“Which is why your behavior this morning was so disappointing,” Thatch stated bitterly. You immediately deflated and curled into yourself, bringing your knees to your chest. You had been feeling better momentarily but now you felt like the air had left the room.
“You’re lucky we love you so much, Querida . We’ve thrown people off the ship for less.” Marco threw Thatch an unamused look.
“I’m wondering if you misunderstood our discussion last night yoi. We talked about how you need to learn to ask for help. Not about getting what you think you want.” Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes but you didn’t allow them to fall.
“It’s surprising to me that you could be so disrespectful to Thatch after he helped you and took such good care of you when you were incapable.” Marco said with a contempt. You felt small and in the spotlight, like a bug pinned down on a card.
“I-I’m sorry,” you whispered, tears now tracking down your cheeks.
“So you say,” Marco remarked dismissively, “but you’re going to need to show it yoi.”
“H-how?” Your hands shook thinking about whatever they’d come up with for your punishment. Your heart was racing with the anticipation.
“You’re going to have to show that you actually want us to help you yoi. We’re not making you do anything - this was your idea to show that we can trust you, that you can remain with us on the ship, remember? If you don’t want our help, that’s fine yoi. You're always free to leave.”
“N-no, Marco, please, please I - I still want your help,” you sputtered out. You remembered the initial discussion with Marco the night he caught you in the closet but the details were a little fuzzy. Had it been your idea?
“Good. I’m glad you agree. Come here,” Marco said, motioning you over to him. You got up on wobbly legs and slowly moved to stand in front of his chair.
“Over my lap,” he said, guiding you. You laid down across Marco’s muscled thighs, your ass hiked in the air. Your torso was laying across the armrest of the chair, keeping you mostly level. Marco wound his arm around your waist, keeping you pinned in place. Marco lowered your pants and panties until you were completely bared. His large hand started caressing and rubbing your ass cheeks.
“If you want our help, you have to allow us to help you. You need to let us take over. That makes sense, right, yoi?” Marco said while massaging you.
“Yes, Marco.” Marco stopped massaging for a moment to reach for something out of your line of sight. He was doing something but you couldn’t make out what.
“Do you know what happens to bad little doves?” Marco asked calmly, still manipulating something you couldn’t see.
“N-no, Marco.”
“They get fucked in the ass.” You tried to jolt up but his arm kept you in place. You felt something cold being put onto your puckered entrance.
“Wait - no, I - Marco, please -” you weakly tried to get up but knew you were no match for his strength.
“Shhh. Not right now, you’re not ready yet. We’re just preparing you.” Marco spoke to you in low tones, trying to calm you. He continued to rub and started pushing something hard and large into your hole. It felt like an intrusion and you didn’t want it in. You tried to stop it from being put in you, but Marco wasn’t relenting.
“Ah, ah, Dove. Show us you can let us in. Show us you can be good and accept your punishment. It’s not a large plug, it will fit. You'll learn to like it.” He continued to push the plug deeper.
You tried to turn your head to watch him but Thatch came and stood in front of you. He crouched down so his face was level with yours. Putting his hand on your cheek, he looked at you downhearted.
“Is it true Mami? You’re sorry you were so disrespectful to me this morning?” It was difficult for you to answer, Marco was still driving the plug deeper into you, stretching your hole. The plug was tapered and you could feel it getting larger with each push from Marco.
“Yes, Thatch. I’m ah -I’m sorry. I won’t - aah - I won’t do it again.” You felt the plug narrow and the flared base flush against your skin. Marco was gently grinding it into you.
“See? What a good dove you can be yoi,” Marco said. “You’re keeping it in until you’re told otherwise. I’ll know if you don’t.” You shivered - you didn’t doubt he would be able to tell. Now that the plug was in, Marco was toying with it, twisting it and moving it. You didn’t enjoy the sensations but it didn’t hurt. Marco started moving the fingers of his other hand down into your slit.
“Feel this, Thatch. She’s soaking wet yoi.” The chef reached over you to run his fingers through your folds as well. Thatch took his time and started running his fingers lightly over your clit. You squirmed from the sensation of being so full and teased.
“Absolutely drenched. Maybe this isn’t such a punishment for her.” It was humiliating for them to talk about you like you weren’t there, like you were just an object to play with.
“Show Thatch you love him,” Marco rasped. “Show him you’re thankful he took care of you.” Marco sat you upright on his lap while Thatch stood up and undid his pants. Sitting up meant the plug was pressing into you, making you whimper. Marco put one of his hands on your jaw and squeezed, holding your mouth open. Thatch slid his erect cock into your mouth, all the way to the back.
“ Ahh I needed this,” Thatch sighed as he drove himself forward, “remember, Mami, I need you like you need me. No one will ever love you like we do.” Thatch’s hands had a hold of your head, keeping you in pace with his desire. One of Marco’s hands had snaked up your shirt and was rolling your nipple between his fingers while he kissed the back of your neck. His other hand was playing with your clit while Thatch was fucking your mouth, gagging you on his thick cock. You could barely breathe, tears were streaming down your face as Thatch forced himself deeper and deeper into your throat. You started to see stars in your vision and tried to pull back but Marco was behind you, keeping you where they wanted. Every time you moved, the plug in your ass did too, causing you to shift in discomfort. It was so much you couldn’t focus on any one thing happening to you. You felt an orgasm building within you to your dismay.
“If you want to come, you need to ask for permission,” Marco ordered, increasing the tempo of his rubbing. You whined but couldn’t talk with Thatch’s dick deep in your mouth. Marco didn’t provide you with any solutions, just continued to stimulate you.
““T-that’s it nnf t-t ake my cock, take all of it. Show me you’re mine,” Thatch gritted out. He was close and was pumping into you furiously. You were gagging but he didn’t stop. He came with a groan, gripping your hair tightly, and you felt him come down your throat. Marco stopped his movements once Thatch did, denying your orgasm.
“Swallow it,” Thatch ordered. You were panting and getting your breath back but did as he told you. “Show me,” he said, hand in your hair tugging your head up. You dutifully opened your now empty mouth. Thatch smiled radiantly down at you.
“Too bad you didn’t get to come, yoi.” Marco said slyly, lifting you off his lap. The plug remained firmly nestled within you to your dismay.
“See, Mami? Everything is wonderful again. Come, let’s go eat dinner together. I know you haven’t eaten today. There’s a party tonight to celebrate Ace and Marco’s successful mission and I want you to eat beforehand.” Thatch was all smiles as you reached for your clothes that were bunched around your ankles. You were glad he was happy and no longer angry with you. Ace was right, everything seemed to be forgiven.
“Oh, one last thing yoi,” Marco noted in a casual tone, “you aren’t allowed to wear panties. I need to be able to quickly check that you’re following the rules. You will wear dresses from now on.” Your head was spinning - there were so many new rules you had to follow. How were you supposed to remember everything? Dresses didn’t really fit with the kind of work you did, but you didn’t think you could complain, especially now that they weren’t mad anymore. You’d stand out even more than you already did on the ship, which wasn’t a pleasant thought. Maybe this would just be temporary.
Marco handed you a coral colored dress you hadn’t noticed before. You took the dress in your hands and stood for a few moments, thinking. How long had this been planned? But you were uncomfortable, tired, and actually hungry so you quickly changed into the dress. At least your back was covered for the party.
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INTERLUDE 2: a king, a lord (an emperor, a god)
Sometimes, Eridan would lay in his cupe and he'd stare at the ceiling. He'd think about the things he'd been pushing away for so long.
He'd think about late morning chats with Karkat. He'd think about orphaner duties with Feferi. He'd think about his occasional lamentations with Kanaya (and the fact that he kept losing her name in the haze was both terrifying and comforting).
He'd think about his archives back on Alternia. He'd think about his hive, his lusus.
He wondered if the old skyhorse had moved on, already. If the ruins of his hive were repurposed. If the books had been pilfered. He wondered if the new inheritor cared as much as he once had about the knowledge he'd so carefully cultivated.
He wished, in a small way, that he was back there. Back then. When times were simpler, when his mind actually worked, when things made sense. He kept losing time. He kept losing himself.
But really, who was he anymore? Was he really anything before Her? His beloved Mistress. His reason to keep going. She was everything.
Thinking about this was always the worst. He shuffled out of his cupe, sighing as he went to shower instead. Once appropriately and impeccably groomed to the nines as was expected of him he made his way out of his blocks, taking his time to walk through the halls.
The lights, the sights, the stars, they never ceased to dazzle, nowadays.
Eridan felt like he was the center of the universe, for all intents and purposes. It made him feel warm and fuzzy in ways that he couldn't begin to describe, the things he had deserved all his life finally being given to him as he justly deserved.
He was a fucking marvel, a gift to the Empire.
(She laughed more genuinely, She smiled more pleasantly when he wasn't sober, so he'd do whatever it took to keep Her happy. That was all he was worth, after all.)
He fished out his flask again. He took a long swig from it and then wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, letting the sting of the alcohol on the back of his tongue ground him. A notification pinged on his palmhusk and he pulled that out from his pocket, brows rising as he saw the notification. His presence was required on the HBC Condescension, with the DC Reichenbach having already been given instructions to land in the docking bay.
He approached the massive pressurized doors in the loading bay, tapping his feet impatiently.
"Dock," he snapped out, eye twitching with the pang in his temple. God damn it. Not now.
"Dooooock? What's the magic word, Amps?"
"Shakes, none'a this runt grub nonsense outta you. I got summons. Dock." At least this request wasn't horribly fraught with time sensitivity. He hammered at the button nonetheless, annoyed.
"Ughhhhhhh you're no fun anymore. Fine. I'm docking, dude, just chill." The snotty fucking helmsman devolved into grumbling that Eridan couldn't possibly retain care less about retaining. There was more important information he needed to keep track of.
"I don't need to be fun, I need to be good at my job, maybe you should try it one night," Eridan snapped back. He ignored the mock offended gasp from Shakes as he stepped out of the ship, staring up at the docking bay of the HBC Condescension . It was a familiar sight at this point, almost comforting even if it felt too big to fit sometimes.
He slowed as he saw another figure coming straight towards him. He recognized the outfit, decorated with Head Admin certification badges as well as medals and pins that spoke of countless experience and demanded respect. The figure was a seadweller, significantly older than him with age-darkened skin, grey hair and a sharp-cut beard, so he reflexively saluted. It was still strange to receive the respectful gesture in return, but it was slowly becoming less jarring and more expected of his station.
"Head Admin Ashvar Zysgin," Eridan greeted coolly.
"Head Admin Eridan Ampora," Ashvar replied in an equal formal tone, looking down his nose at the smaller seadweller. "The Empress filed for your temporary transfer to assist in Head Admin duties for the next two perigees."
"My what?"
Eridan stared blankly at Ashvar, as if expecting to be hearing things. He was clearly not, though, as the silence stretched on before Ashvar clucked his tongue in annoyance.
"You were supposed to be sent notice." The tone of voice was distasteful, and it made Eridan's blood boil. True to his conditioning education under the Empress, Eridan didn't respond aside from straightening his back, annoyance clear on his face. No stress. No panic. He had to be better. Do not let emotions rule your head. Turn it off.
"I was only sent notice of summons," Eridan said slowly. "It seems a miscommunication occurred."
Ashvar's lip curled. "Clearly." He turned his nose up, clearly annoyed. "Can't trust shitbloods to do anything these nights."
"Clearly," Eridan agreed simply, keeping it short and concise. This one seemed to be far more old fashioned.
"In any case, there is no sense in dallying. I was informed that my duties for the night were to get you caught up. The crew of the Reichenbach will supplement the crew of the Condescension for the next incursion; it's a colony expansion. Captain Nekara will manage orders ship-side, to ensure our magnificent Empress can focus on her glorious conquest as necessary. Consider it an honor, Consort, that she is putting her trust in your capabilities."
He was quite proud of himself for maintaining the calm, casual air that he was meant to carry, even as he preened at the attention and the reverential title of Consort. "Understood, sir. Ever may She reign."
Some of the tension eased as Ashvar clearly approved of the appropriate deference. Good. One step done correctly.
—
Managing a ship as massive as the Condescension was one that took several admins, Ashvar explained as they walked. Eridan kept his eyes focused out as he listened to the senior Admin, taking stock of the surroundings. The interior arrangement of the ship always made it felt more like a mobile city than a ship, in his opinion, but it was fascinating to see. The changes made throughout trollkind history were obvious. Despite having been in the ship multiple times, it never ceased to enthrall him.
Now a bit of that wonder was occupied fiercely by the route memorization he was fiercely committed to as it was explained to him. The maintenance sector was manned by Sector Admin Talawa —and wow, Sector Admin! A whole subset of admins for each corner of the gargantuan ship! It wasn't something taught in schoolfeeding, that's for sure— while the sector by that was engine technology, under Sector Admin Elagya. The culinary sector, responsible for maintaining the meal hall and providing for the fleet, was overseen by Sector Admin Uareon, and the armory was manned by Sector Admin Julien. The mediculling unit was managed by Sector Admin Isopre, and Sector Admin Daunus was in charge of personnel.
He was glad he was recording all the discussions dutifully. He'd upload them to his pandrive later.
"I've called for all the sector admins to meet," Ashvar droned on, gesturing grandiosely, "so they can meet with you and understand that you'll be filling in with... who was the junior admin on your ship again?"
"Ysseol Holkaf," replied Eridan. Ashvar seemed to take Eridan's presence in stride, and there was actual hope that maybe Eridan would find himself fitting in here, better than the rapidly alienating presence he held on the Reichenbach.
Meeting the sector admins unfortunately coincided perfectly with running into someone else. Someone rather unexpected that would blow all those hopes out of the water.
The admins that had gathered were all stiff at attention, and even Ashvar was taken aback at the towering presence of the Empress where She sat, waiting for them all in the meeting block. Her massive mane of hair easily took up a huge portion of the block, let alone Her horns. She smiled coolly, eyes narrowing in amusement.
Eridan stepped forward immediately as She stood.
"Mistress," he breathed out, taking a knee and bowing deeply, hand over his pusher and other tucked behind his back. Perfectly executed, as She'd taught him. He opened his eyes after waiting the requisite three seconds to see that She had closed the gap, holding Her hand out with Her wrist facing him.
Oh, truly, what an honor. He leaned in and pressed his lips reverently to Her pulse, and he relaxed as he felt Her claws curl around his jaw.
"Stand, guppy," She said coolly, and he did so at Her command, hands now tucked behind his back. "Good buoy. You're in charge."
Eridan froze. Ashvar followed suit. "...My Empress?" Ashvar asked, dimly confused. The other admins, loathing the risk of being singled out, all stayed eerily quiet in the block as it seemed to instantly grow more suffocating.
"Did I stutter, Head Admin?" She asked, coldly. "He's shrimpressed me. You whale do as he says. He has no otter will than mine . For this incursion, I trust no otter."
Eridan bowed his head numbly, eyes shut in reverence to Her judgment. He felt fit to explode.
"And, Eridan," he stopped breathing as he heard his name on Her lips, looking up in wonder at his dear, beloved Empress, "you'll come to my personal blocks after shift's end. Understood?"
"Yes, Mistress," he murmured, awestruck. "Glory be. May your reign be eternal."
There was a playful spark to Her eyes that hid vicious satisfaction, cruel amusement that he wanted to see more of. So caught up was he, that he missed the reviled rage thinly hidden behind Ashvar's eyes.
As She took Her leave, he watched Her go, taken by Her presence as he always was. He was rudely shocked back to himself with a firm, sharp clearing of the throat. Turning on his heel, he saw Ashvar, looking less calm and collected than he had been prior.
"I will not fail," Eridan said firmly, straightening his back. "Introductions, then. If we're goin' to be workin' together for the next incursion, we ought to know each other. Head Admin of the DC Reichenbach, Imperial Consort to the Empress, Eridan Ampora."
He learned more than a few names in the brief meeting that followed. The spindly, long-haired cerulean that looked down his glasses at Eridan with derision was Quetus Isopre, and the stocky, burly purple that stood by his side was Baldur Daunus, his brow set in a wrinkled scowl. Fidice Julien was a buff butch blueblood with a sharp military haircut, a gnarly scar over the right side of her face that took her eye with it, a broad chest and a mean grin that didn't reach her eyes. Vigare Uareon was another seadweller, not as old as Ashvar but not the youngest of the group, hair tied back in a clean ponytail. Asavra Elagya was a tealblood, the lowest blood of the admins and the shortest with a bush of hair and large, thick rimmed glasses, while Toptan Talawa was another purple with subjugglator-style face paint, and seemed the youngest of them all. He'd have to pull their files to know for certain.
Another thing that Eridan learned, with a sinking feeling he carefully hid, was that none of them were particularly excited at the sudden shift in power.
—
When Eridan reported to the Condesce's private blocks as instructed, he expected everything to go as it always did when She summoned him to Her chambers. Casual chatting about the state of the Empire, some quips thrown in by Psii, Her best alcohol with that horrible powder served in his glass, and everything to go hazy and foggy as She did whatever She so pleased took care of him in a way he'd likely never truly earn the right to claim. He certainly wasn't about to question anything She did to him so graciously gave him in the way of attention.
And that it was. He would never deny how much he adored these quiet moments that only he was so blessed to be privy to. Even if remembering everything that happened wasn't exactly an option...
As usual, Eridan came back to himself tucked away in the Empress's embrace, feeling sore all over and finding it hard to breathe, everything between his knees and stomach feeling raw. He blinked slowly, tucking himself up against Her as She played with his hair, claws curling around his horns. They ached as She did this, but he couldn't react, he'd learned. He needed Her touch more than he needed air.
"One night, if you keep up your current performance," She murmured into the skin of his neck like a kiss, cool, plump lips skimming over tattered gills, "this will be yours. Zysgin's on in his sweeps. I won't have need of him soon enough. A lame troll is of no use to me."
He swallowed. "Such faith in my ability, I could never ask for more, Mistress," he replied hoarsely. His throat ached. He wondered if She'd had him screaming. He didn't really need to know.
"I know you'll be a wonderful extension of my will, guppy," She crooned.
He let out a happy little hum, curling further against Her, simply basking in the attention and the affection, listening to Her breathe. He didn't say a word as Her hand began to wander over his skin again. It didn't matter what he wanted, after all.
He just did as She wanted.
—
The next evening began bright and early. He woke up alone in Her chambers, unsurprising but still disappointing. His pan pounded as usual, displeased with him for falling asleep without being in sopor. Unfortunately, he always fell asleep like this after late mornings spent in Her chambers, and so it was a reality he'd just have to deal with.
Arming himself with his flask, taking a quick shower before dressing himself up as normal, he took his leave from the blocks.
His first stop... personnel. That'd be the biggest doozie, considering how he was certain the sector admin had to speak to each of the division heads on board for morale, health and livelihood reports. It was guaranteed to be the biggest headache possible. Laughsassins, threshecutioners, cavalreapers, ruffiannihilators, interrogatormentors (he shuddered, bile in the back of his throat), subjugglators—well, they all had force deployments here on the HBC Condescension. This was the forward ship for all military campaigns, after all, the stuff of legends. He was excited to read into the stuff.
He was less than enthused when he arrived to see no sign of Baldur. He frowned. The purple should be here somewhere. Where the fuck was he? Something itched in his pan; he sought another swig from his flask.
Wasting too much time trying to find him, at least Eridan actually found him. He saw the jackass brawling with the head of the ruffianihilator squad, which most certainly wasn't part of his duties.
"Admin Daunus!" Eridan barked, bewildered and taken aback. "Where's your report?"
"Somewhere else, shortstack," Baldur snarled in reply, "don't fucking interrupt me."
"The— this is your fucking job!" he snapped, completely blindsided by the sheer disrespect. The other ruffiannihilators all laughed, and Eridan burned in a rage, lip curling as he sneered down the whole lot of them.
"Just like your ancestor, aren't you? Complete stick in the mud. That can get your pail kicked, chumbucket," a purple ruffiannihilator called out. Eridan's eyes narrowed, incensed by the sheer disrespect he was being afforded.
"Show some fuckin' respect, you're talkin' to the acting head admin of the HBC Condescension on Her Imperious Condescension's illustrious order, cannon fodder."
The expression on her face fell into severe unease at this revelation. A subtle glance she gave to Baldur was all Eridan needed to know; the other admin had rigged this interaction.
He turned his ire on the larger purple. "Report, sector admin. That's an order and I am done tolerating your disrespect."
The dry amusement drained off Baldur's face, leaving only annoyance behind as he flipped the ruffiannihilator he was sparring over. "Left it with the threshecutioners, Head Admin," he drawled, and the title felt like an insult.
He bared his teeth and turned off. The report he ultimately found was dismal; damaged and barebones, barely legible and an insult to administrative work as Eridan prided himself on conducting. God. Fucking. Damn it.
—
Next admin... okay. Surely, it couldn't go as bad as Baldur's sector. He hated the smell of antiseptic, of course, and he'd been in this area more times than he'd like (the sight of his horn being removed, the tendrils in his pan crawled and writhed and hurt and hurt and hurt and—) but reports were reports and things needed done. The rota needed to be established, and Eridan was hopeful that Quetus would keep notes as diligently as he appeared to from a glance.
Instead, Quetus was doing something completely unrelated. No reports were prepared for him. After stocking something that most certainly was not his job, he looked over slowly, taking his sweet time to acknowledge Eridan who had been standing there for the past ten minutes.
"Do you know about Orphaner Dualscar?"
Eridan blinked. He glanced over, confused at the line of questioning. He tilted his head, eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Quetus looked over to him, eyes crinkling in vicious amusement. "Did you know he died a disgrace? Pathetic and washed out, culled by the Grand Highblood?"
His mouth went dry. His eyes narrowed. "Hell are you implyin', Admin Isopre?"
"Watch your step, pupa," Quetus merely said, turning off. Eridan struggled to comprehend what the hell that was supposed to mean, insulted at the way his rank was so casually disregarded .
"Oi!" he called out, frustrated and annoyed. "Where the fuck's your report!?"
"The table," came the infuriatingly vague reply. The way the docterrors and assistants all looked at him, knowing full well who he was and what procedure had been done to him in this very hall incensed him more, and he frustratedly scoured the goddamn block until he found the stupid fucking manila folder. Much like Baldur's report, he realized in quiet dismay, it wasn't worth jack shit. But he was now running late and low on time. He couldn't afford to redo this shit. He needed to keep going.
—
Once was strange. Twice was a trend, and Eridan wished it wasn't so. Because the third time was simply enough to piss him off, which sustained as he merely continued floundering about, unable to get a purchase with any of the sector admins.
He couldn't get a single goddamn report delivered correctly. Each sector was either missing its admin, or experienced its admin doing things they had no business doing. Fidice was outright neglecting the job to drink and play poker with the guards! Come on! She didn't even need soporifics to keep functioning!
The packet that he ultimately ended up with was disgraceful, a great lump of barely legible shit that didn't get any of the required details a report should have.
He was losing his mind. And by the end of the night, he was summoned by his Mistress. He arrived at Her throne, lowering himself in a prostrate bow and horrified at the fact that he had nothing to show but substandard, cobbled together reports.
He was incensed to see Ashvar showing up with a much nicer looking report folder. He realized at that moment that he'd been duped . And as Ashvar handed off the report to his Mistress, Her expression held only disapproval that cut him far more to the core than anything else She could have possibly done in that moment.
"Oh, guppy," She said softly, disappointed, "I'm gonna have to prawnish you today."
Eridan's shoulders stiffened, panic flickering over his face. "Mistress, I, I swear I—"
"Shhhh. No excuses, buoy. You're bein' two shrimpulsive. What are you?"
Eridan felt humiliated, for Her to bring this up now while the saboteur responsible for this daymare was in the same fucking block? "P-please, Mistress—"
Her tone grew colder. "What are you?"
Eridan squeezed his eyes shut, shame rising up. Don't cry. She would hate that more than anything in the world, at this moment. "...a failure."
"Good buoy. To my private blocks."
The taste in the back of Eridan's mouth was sour as he looked down at his feet. "Yes, Mistress," he croaked quietly. He could feel smugness radiating off that grandiose piece of shit, but he couldn't afford to feel rage in that moment. He wouldn't give the fucker the satisfaction.
He had to accept his punishment.
—
His throat was sore the next evening. Everything hurt, bruises covering him under his uniform as a reminder of his incompetence. Moving was a misery in and of itself, but he knew he'd deserved it. It wasn't like he could say anything against Her, after all (the heretical audacity of the mere thought gave him anxiety), so he simply sucked it up, showered, and with a thundering pan, he went off to start his rota for the night.
"Hey, Amps!"
He snarled in annoyance, pinching his brow as he turned his attention to the usual troublemakers from his crew. "What?" he asked, sharply, "I'm busy."
Shakes squinted at him and let out a low whistle. "Jeez. What crawled up your nook and died?"
The acrid glare that Shakes got in return had him holding up his hands. "Okay, okay, bad line of convo. Something up, dude?"
"Head Admin Ampora, and no, I'm—I'm fine. Just. Just stop distractin' me, I have reports to get!"
He turned off, paying no further mind to his ship's helmsman. He didn't even pause to wonder why the guy was out and about, considering how outright hostile a lot of people on the HBC Condescension were to lowbloods and, in particular, mobile helmsmen. Traditionalist fucknuts, the whole lot of them.
It's not like it mattered to him, anyways. He had more pressing matters to attend to.
Any hopes he'd had of the first night being a fluke were firmly dashed. The second night went just as poorly, this time overrun by the fact that he tried to do all their reports for them. This took too much time for one troll to do, for the ship was simply so massive that it was impossible to get the work done in a single night. He showed up that night with half the packet clearly done by him alone, and the other half still the same, low tier work. Ashvar, again, showed up with a comprehensive report.
Eridan was once again ordered for punishment.
The punishment that morning was immediately soured by Ashvar intercepting him after they were both dismissed, as Eridan was making his way to Her chambers. The other seadweller had simply smiled, a hand placing on his shoulder, claws threateningly tight against his uniform;
"You know, it's not as if this is unexpected," Ashvar said. "Your ancestor was a disgrace to the empire as well. Vying for something he had no business vying for. You could simply admit to the Empress that you're not cut out for this work, pupa, surely she would allow you to take second position."
Eridan yanked his arm away from Ashvar, not deigning to give him a response. "I have my orders," he simply said, making his way to her blocks again.
How the fuck did this spawn of a bitch know anything about Dualscar?
—
Night three didn't go any better. Supplementing the holes in their shit reports rather than rewriting the shit from scratch didn't work when Elagya simply lied on her report, coming up with bullshit that didn't match the report she'd given to Ashvar. Collapsing on the job didn't help matters, either.
This time he remembered screaming until his throat gave out. Forget it forget it cast it aside. Don't think about it. Just shut down. Keep going. You have to keep going.
God, he was so tired. And, of course, because he was actively being punished, his pathetic plea to see Psii for a moment of relief was immediately and firmly denied.
"You need to do betta for that, guppy," She'd told him.
God, he wanted to cry.
Turn off. Turn it all off. Focus on the work.
—
Alright. No more relying on their reports. He just had to get up earlier. He just had to work harder. He just...
...who was he kidding? Another night, another sinking feeling that he wasn't going to survive to the end of the week. Three nights of failure leading into three days of consecutive punishment and sopor denial was starting to wreak havoc on him. He couldn't afford the time needed to cover up the deep, heavy bags under his eyes, punched in with restless, worthless sleep. He should honestly have just worked through the day, once She was done with him.
Even still, he got up early. He showed up to personnel before Baldur was even conscious, ignoring the annoyance at the troop heads at being bothered before the shift alarm had even gone off, and got the data he needed. He had mediculling's reports written up as well and was walking and sorting through his list of what needed getting, pan going a mile a minute to meticulously micromanage his timing when something changed in his fortunes.
Eridan groaned, scrubbing at his temples, but took pause as he saw a figure approach. Teal on her uniform, expression carefully controlled, he recognized her, first by the shift in her gender-presenting pheromones.
"Admin Holkaf," he said slowly, tucking the still burning anger and betrayal (and hurt so much hurt what had he done to deserve her betrayal, he tried so hard to be an admin worth respecting on that thankless ship) deep in his pusher until he never had to think about it again. Ysseol saluted, and he noticed something in her hands.
"...reports I gathered, sir," she said quietly. "From the armory and culinary sectors."
His brows shot up, genuinely taken aback for a moment. He slowly took the folder and opened it.
He recognized this handwriting. This wasn't Ysseol's, but he wasn't about to bring it up. The second report, of course, had her neat handwriting in it, but the first one... well, that was Spoons.
What the fuck was a helming tech that had no reason to like him anymore doing, preparing a report? But as he read it over, it was a breath of fresh air that twinged his sore, aching lungs. This was comprehensive. This was excellent work. If her blood had been a couple shades higher, he'd always thought, she'd make an excellent admin. Now he was wondering if that long-standing rule should be twisted for her, but... well. By now, he knows her. She would hate the kind of work that came with administrative tiers. She liked working with her hands, staying busy—
— Why did any of this matter, guppy?
The thought, sounding eerily like Her voice, shook him out of his mystified reverie. He took a slow breath.
"Good work."
Ysseol tilted her head back subtly. He ignored the look on her face. "Of course, sir," she said quietly. "Do you still have additional sectors needing to be gathered?"
Eridan felt a sting in his thoracic cavity; doubt, anxiety. What if she was plotting against him too? The admin crew of the HBC Condescension saw no desire to step back and let him have an easier time of things by any means. She'd already betrayed him, once. Spoons had all the more reason to see him burn, after what he'd done to Bricks he didn't remember he didn't remember why didn't he remember? Wouldn't he have remembered? Wouldn't he—
He took in a slow breath. "No," he lied, and he turned away.
Despite the hustle and the tireless struggle, he ultimately managed to get the rest of the reports. He felt a mix of annoyance and gratefulness when he saw a familiar teal-written folder waiting for him at the entrance of the engine technology sector that he viciously smothered, knowing full-well that he needed a better poker-face. He took the report anyways. He'd arrange for Ysseol to have a night off when the DC Reichenbach was on its merry way, after this horrid shit-show was said and done.
Night four was the first night that ended in his position as acting Head Admin where he didn't get pushed by Her. Ashvar looked fit to spit nails. Eridan did not give him the satisfaction of a response as he was pulled into Her lap and postured like a lap-fitted woofbeast spoiled rotten as his station deserved.
He simply stared, blankly, turning his mind off and letting Her do as She pleased.
As he was made to do.
—
It came to a head when, by the end of the week, Eridan was run ragged and exhausted, beyond annoyed. Ysseol and Spoons continued to pitch in when they can (he ignored the report that looked like Bricks's handwriting, pushed that far back in his pan until he'd forgotten who that handwriting belonged to) and his workload became slightly easier. But it wasn't ever supposed to be like this.
He would never complain about his crew on the Reichenbach again, he swore, because if this was how his beloved Mistress's people ran her ship, he felt so, so sorry for Her. Never before had he understood Her troubles more than in this moment, with sheer incompetents sullying Her illustrious name with their panrotted drivel.
His mind made up, he called a meeting to discuss the problems he was seeing. He arrived at the room with the pathetic excuses of reports he'd had to hand the Empress sorted (because yes, he'd been told that he had to keep them, read them over, and solve the issue, of course he had).
He also came with a lighter.
So he waited, there, for the meeting to start. This would hopefully clear the air between them. Just a proper meeting, where he set the groundwork for how their relationship was going to be from here on out.
.....a meeting where no one fucking showed up.
Eridan took a deep breath. He let the breath out. Turn them off. Turn your emotions off. Do not let your emotions rule your head.
"...Psii," Eridan said, lowly, hands splayed across the table, the results of the disastrous week scattered across as much as they well deserved. "You're not too busy at the moment, are you? Could you do me a favour?"
"You know the answer to that question, but I can multitask for you. State your request."
Eridan closed his eyes, breathing again. Slow. Measured.
"The sector admins have elected to not show themselves at a meeting I specifically called. Nor has your head admin. Find them."
Not even a second passed before the Helmsman was rattling off locations. "Admin Daunus is napping. Admin Isopre has invented a maintenance request and is currently meandering through a supply closet. Said supply closet is on deck seven. Admin Fidice is carving the ice for her soporific. Admin Elagya is in a tepid excuse of a hot tub with Admin Talawa and Admin Uareon. Head Admin Zysgin is finalizing routes through the next system. All alerts for the meeting have been snoozed manually in their systems and thus I had no authority to reinstate them nor alert you."
Eridan closed his eyes. "In my position as acting Head Admin of the HBC Condescension, and as the Imperial Consort of the Empress, this is my order. Make them come."
"Would you prefer promptly, or humbled?" There was something like amusement on the edge of the Helmsman's voice, despite the deadpan death-rattle he always spoke with over intercoms.
Eridan smiled slowly, each tooth bared straight to the gum. "Humble them, my dearest diamond. Show them what happens when they disrespect the will of our Mistress."
"Understood. The query was a formality. Your poker face still needs work, Eridan. This request has been deleted from the Imperial Network and shall commence shortly."
Eridan let out a mirthless laugh. "Let me have my fun, snowflake. For now, I'll wait."
There was a scratchy exhale that had an echo of a laugh to it that trailed into a cough, and then the intercom went silent.
Eridan sat and waited, patiently. He flicked the lid of the lighter on and off, feet kicked up on the table. He would outlast them, after everything they'd put him through. It took half an hour before the scumfuckers finally showed up, all of them irritated and annoyed and clearly displeased at the methods visited upon them. He would have to ask Psii for recordings of the merriment later, if only to observe the best ways to get under these dipshits skins.
"How highly immature of you," Ashvar sniffed indignantly. "You would set the Helmsman, an important tool to the Empress, on us? And for what? Because you're unhappy?"
"Object lesson, Ashvar," Eridan said slowly, flicking the lighter on. He stood slowly, eyes flicking slowly, purposely down to the meeting table. "This is the work you all presented me in this past week."
He touched the lighter to the surface of the table. The table which had been cleanly drenched with ignition fluid, and thus lit up like a trash fire. Which, truly, it was.
"I am disgusted with your conduct," he said, calmly, in the midst of their shouts of alarm. "You hem and haw about immaturity, and yet in your illustrious tenure, you present me with trash. I would expect this out of wigglers. I would expect this out of unorganized rebel scum." His eyes glared into each of the admins eyes, all of them appalled at the way the table between them all burned. "Is this how you respect our wonderful, radiant Empress? Undermining the sanctity of Her well oiled machine, when we're gearin' up for a new colony?"
"You set a fucking meeting block on fire! Are you fucking insane?!" Vigare yelled, eyes wide. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Eridan placed his hand on the table. The flames licked around his fingers, around his rings, and they all stared, put into an immediate hush. "What's wrong with me? Me? My problem is that I'm surrounded by incompetent fools who have grown complacent and resistant to change. There's a new Head Admin in the picture at a critical juncture, one who holds the Empress's confidence more than any of you remora ever fuckin' have." He pulled his hand slowly back, wiggling his fingers. He could barely feel the angry blistering of his hand where the rings grew hot. He'd had worse.
"Do you think I'm some sort of yellow-bellied weaklin'? That I wouldn't catch on to your game? 'Cause I was on it from night one. Your Head Admin, I'm afraid, is not subtle in the slightest. So if you think I'm stupid, naive, well, you are sadly fuckin' mistaken."
He rounded the table and approached them, nose turned up in the air, eyes narrowed to slits. "You know, I know intimately well how to dismember corpses. I was an Orphaner in my youth, much like a certain undeservin' whisper of an alleged ancestor you shitpans keep tryin' to foist on my person. So it should come as no surprise to hear when I tell you that once you have a skeleton, yer wretched meatsack follows a pattern. Doesn' matter if you're a troll, or a lusus. You've got joints. Those can be broken, easy. Claws? Those can peel off much easier than you'd think. Muscle fibers need the right angle, but they'll tear, even with a blunt instrument. With the right technique, nothin' lasts."
There was a sharp sound, and Eridan reeled for a moment, blinking slowly as he felt dull pain spread through his face. He looked slowly to see Ashvar, violet in the face and enraged, his teeth pulled back in a snarl.
"How dare you," the other Head Admin snarled. "You miserable little brat. Barely out of your fresh molt, and an accident has convinced you you're worth something? When such a critically important assignment looms over us as a guillotine? You should have accepted your failure on that first night and conceded that you were ill-equipped to handle this task."
"You raised your hand to the Imperial Consort," Eridan commented, eyes dragging up to the intercoms. The casual threat only incensed the usually composed seadweller.
"You're nothing," Ashvar roared, grabbing Eridan by the lapels, the fuchsia of his consort cape bunched under his undeserving grubby claws. "Nothing but a little runt clawing at the worthless legacy of a disgraced Orphaner who died in pathetic misery! Even she thinks you're nothing, she tore your ear off, left you mutilated— marked you a wretched little slave! I owned dozens of you in the prime of the Empire, hundreds of sweeps before you were even spat out of the mother grub's brooding sphincter!"
Eridan snarled. He lashed out, but without claws to dig in, he could only grab Ashvar's throat and squeeze. The man threw him aside, laughing, and he slammed into the wall. He collected himself quickly, pushing himself up to his feet as he glared over furiously, eyes narrowed to slits. "You're a declawed, defanged little plaything pacified by a crippling dependence on soporifics that she's winding up to watch break! You–" Eridan was kicked in the side with a sharp bite of pain that he dared not voice, "–are–" another kick, another bloom of pain, more unvoiced rage, "–nothing!"
The admins laughed in amusement. The laughter circled in his aching, roaring pan, twisting the band of sanity tauter and tauter until it finally snapped in a moment of pain, humiliation, and cold, nauseating fury.
The red overcame him.
Last longer. Punch harder. Tear flesh and scales apart with your teeth. Be every bit the monster that people think you are. But do not let emotions rule your head.
Do not let emotions rule your head.
DO NOT LET EMOTIONS RULE Y
Eridan sucked in a slow breath as his vision cleared. He was sore. He was tired. He was panting for air, gills burning, teeth bared to the gums. The table was slammed into the wall, cracked clean in two, the charred remains of shit reports scattered uselessly and soaked in violet.
He could taste iron and flesh in his mouth, and he blinked slowly, staring blankly down at the fallen limb in front of him. He could see it was impaled in multiple parts, and he noted that tacky coldness was dripping slowly down his horns. Fingers were missing off the hand, and he saw shredded remains of them scattered around in a barbaric bloodbath.
Ashvar was down on the ground, dry-heaving from the pain. His only hand with what fingers remained clung at the jagged stump of his arm. Eridan moved forward, slowly, boots squishing on the tacky violet blood that stained the pristine floors of his Mistress's ship.
He placed his boot on the stump, and shoved the older seadweller down without remorse.
The resulting shriek made his fins ring, dimmer in the slave-cut fin. He ignored it. He only felt cold anger, slowly drenched in the arctic waters that filled his lungs.
"Crawl," Eridan said, frigid. "Crawl to the fuckin' medbay and pray to the good will of our Illustrious Empress that the Docterror on duty won't turn you away for bein' a dumb sack of shit waste of genetic material. And th' next time you think of somethin' smart, watch your tongue or I'll rip it out of your withered sack of meat, you panrotted hasbeen. I am the Imperial Consort of the Empress, executor of Her will, extension of Her radiant, everlasting splendour. I can and will always rank above you, and lip service will earn you a visit from the drones, if you're lucky enough to miss disciplinary action from the Imperial Network." His eyes rose slowly, needling each of the other admins purposefully.
No one was laughing at him anymore.
"Ashvar Zysgin is an example," he continued. The rage he felt was drained out of him entirely; only cold remained. "If any of you have any complaints, by all means, come forward. We'll settle this the old fashioned way. I don't need any'a you dead-weight swill to get this job done. I've already made that painfully clear."
None dared to move. He wondered, dimly, what he'd done to earn the looks on their faces. He decided that, having seen the aftermath, he didn't actually care.
"Good. So you understand," he said softly, "that if you ever, ever disrespect me or mention the Orphaner Dualscar to my face again, you will not survive your next breath."
Everything felt cold, so fucking cold. He didn't think he could feel cold like this. They kept shooting glances at each other, and he couldn't make out the details, the aura in his eyes unbearable. The silence burned colder in his throat.
"I expect an answer out of you, bottom-feeders. Are. We. Clear?"
Uareon stumbled forward, clearly ousted into the speaking role by her co-conspirators. She immediately shrank back, nauseated and pale as death as she looked down at the sobbing mess that was once a tenured Head Admin. "...crystal, Head Admin Ampora, sir. This will not happen again, sir. A thousand apologies for the disrespect, sir. Your will be done, sir."
He saluted automatically, demanding respect as they responded in kind with the additional deferential tilts of the head to expose their necks. He felt cold, cold, colder than ice as he turned on his heel. He saw Nekara at the door of the meeting block. He couldn't make out the expression she wore. The aura he saw was overwhelming. He needed relief a drink.
"Captain Fyrane," he said, coldly, the only acknowledgement he offered as he passed her out the door.
There was only one person he needed to respect anymore. Only one person he could trust. He'd tried, he'd tried so hard so fucking hard, but realized in futility that he would never belong anywhere. He only belonged in one place in the whole cruel, unfeeling world, and it was a place he'd never leave.
He understood now, understood why She ruled through fear, understood why none dared cross Her, and he felt pity for Her. To be so alone in the universe, with no one to understand Her... what a sad, lonely existence.
But he was there. And he would let Her do anything to him. Because he was so, so desperately flushed for Her.
And as he saw Her standing further behind the gruesome scene, simply watching, judging, and waiting, saw the vicious approval, the too wide smile, the amusement at Her toys playing approval and pity and affection on Her face, he stopped before Her.
He bowed, followed the cues he'd learned so well, and finally received the pleasure of kissing the palm of Her hand with all the tenderness he could possibly muster in the universe. Violet blood and bits of gore smeared in his wake. She smiled wider, deeply amused by his grand show.
He felt nothing at all.
(Somewhere else, choked out and unheard through a suffocating web of necrotic wire, someone sang a funeral dirge for the person he used to be.)
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