#experiencing and living more
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#I thought I could do this#that I could do college and start doing more#experiencing and living more#I have done so much and so little this year#when I look back despite despite despite#I'm proud of myself#like I really did THAT#I got through everything (:#unscathed of course <3#despite the difficulties that will continue to stay with me#I'm most proud of getting through the day#cause when it doesn't seem like I can somehow I pull though#especially managing/regulating my anxiety!#I stopped taking my medication#of course in a safe and practical way#the side effects are less worse than when I tried to go off last time!!#gonna be dealing with a soon to be problem with school for failing lmao#but I have faith that it'll work out#it has to
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fionna and cake drawings before and after watching the episodes so far. it’s nostalgic and somehow cathartic and poignant and relatable and—it just started
#i’m part of the demographic where i was a kid when adventure time started and now watching fionna and cake as an adult makes me emotional#because did they keep us in mind when writing fionna and her attitude towards life#the dissatisfaction#the hoping for something more#something more magical than this dreary life filled with working to live and living to work#it’s so reflective of how life feels for me and perhaps many of us#and also Simon’s episode was so sad but so well thought out#exploring his feelings after the events of the adventure time finale is something I’m glad we get to see#there were already so many layers to his character in AT but now it feels like we get to dive deeper#I also felt emotional hearing Rebecca Sugar singing and writing a song that encapsulates his feelings so well#😭 it’s been awhile seeing her work exist alongside these characters#and all of these emotions get stronger because I remember AT being the one to inspire me to be a storyboard artist#when I was younger I used to follow many of the board artists here in tumblr and would get so inspired by them#to create simple but powerful boards that can capture the feelings of characters so well#Rebecca Sugar’s songs for the AT characters inspired me so much too#I’m sorry this is long I’m just feeling so many things experiencing all of this again as an adult#my art#fanart#adventure time#fionna and cake#fionna the human#cake the cat#simon petrikov
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yes, yes, boba fett finds it strange and uncomfortable when people can see his face and this is one of the major reasons he almost never removes his helmet (in the expanded universe anyway), but another factor that i think isn't explored nearly enough is just how much his helmet shapes how he sees the world. it grants him 360° vision, lets him interface with his weapon systems and slave I, and automatically dampens loud noises and dims bright lights. imagine going through the vast majority of your life seeing the world through that lens and then suddenly taking it away. removing his helmet for any significant length of time likely isn't just uncomfortable for him but downright disorienting.
#boba fett#boba fett meta#so much is made of how mandalorian helmets have all these powerful‚ often perception-altering features#and how many mandalorians spend the majority of their lives wearing them#i'm surprised there aren't more references to the difficulties such mandos might have adjusting to NOT wearing them#not just socially but like on a sensory level#there's one description in the boba fett junior novels that i really love#where bitty!boba gets his helmet knocked off his head by another bounty hunter#and the barrage of light and sound is compared to water being poured over his face#like it's that jarring to him#and that's when he was still a kid and hadn't yet experienced literal years of wearing his helmet every day!#so imagine what it's like for him when he's an adult making that transition#star wars#mandalorians
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IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder
╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher
#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies#(more thoughts at the end of the tags)#shameless#shamelessnet#shamelessedit#ian gallagher#cameron monaghan#*macygifs#bipolar disorder#hello pals how are we doin#i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags#and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes)#i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation#that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day#world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder#which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life#while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life#and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines#over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful#i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended#hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles#world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder#and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized)#it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all#it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen#so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can.#we are worth it#i promise#anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder#go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives
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taash said "they were doing it" and people ran with the interpretation of an npc that doesn't know solas or the history of the elvhenan even when bellara interjected and said, no, that's not right. that's not how it was for the elvhenan. they formed bonds before they had physical bodies. and people ran to doompost or create weird anti-solavellan shit even though mythal & solas refer to each other as old friends and when she releases him there is no tenderness or love in it. it is the act of unchaining a dog from his post, the stepping down of a general. but to each their own ig.
#let the record show i think love was there. do I personally perceive it as romantic / sexual? no.#mythal's perception of love & care is warped in and of itself#i think they loved each other. but she loved what she could take from him and what he could give in terms of service#not because she was romantically into him#also i wish we knew more about her & elgar'nan. her regret prison form says she holds no love for him anymore#and it makes me wonder when that love soured. was it when she was blighted? before that? was that love also born of duty and companionship?#this is the last post i'm gonna make ab this i think#bc i believe people are too caught up in the modern western ideas of love as thing we give solely to our romantic partners#and we literally have a character go ”our perception is warped bc of the age we live in” and some of you are still being purposefully obtuse#and i think trick saying it's up to interpretation is basically admitting EA had them dumb down the game anyway#if everything ab the rise and fall of the evanuris in game#was condensed to five 2min cutscenes it says enough that whatever the writers wanted#was swiftly cut down by corporate dept. basically saying it's in the fans' court now#also bc it's an easy cop out around new players & non solasmancers who are indifferent ab him / dislike him#as a way to appeal thru a more sympathetic lense of look!! he loved and was led astray#not to mention the clear justinia / leliana parallels#and leliana gets angry if you imply she was romantically involved / in love w justinia#and the romance descr when you remake your inq saying the dread wolf could not predict what it would mean to fall IN LOVE#implying he had never fallen in love before or at the very least experienced a romantic love#also him saying drinking from the well would make you a slave and he gets really upset#yet ive seen takes of ”hes doing this for her cus he dgaf ab lavellan” ?? he got mythal killed when he told her ab the blight#whatever feelings of admiration he had for her have rotted. he is literally burdened by his mistakes and his choice in joining her#i feel like if i were a spirit bound and twisted into a weapon i would need my creator to tell me i am Free. i would need that closure#like when cole says its not abuse to bind him if he asks and solas said thats not always true???#if you perceive her interaction w him in vg third act as#anything more than the way justinia released leliana in inq then im sorry maybe youre just obtuse#solavellan#mythal#dragon age meta
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Please in no way shape or form feel obligated to answer this but since I so rarely hear about MEDICAL abuse as opposed to, ya know, the more traditional verbal/physical type (tho I think that they often go hand-in-hand) and I want to compare experiences. Was your mom "always" alternative for EVERYONE or did she make exceptions for herself? For example my mom never got me vaccinated and, like yours, withheld all sorts of medication under the guise of "protecting" me but when she got diagnosed with a chronic illness she started taking whatever the doctors gave her under excuses of her pain being "unbearable" or HER doctor not being a quack like the others, etc. Honestly it's been 4 years since I've had any contact with my mom but what makes me the maddest looking back was her hypocrisy.
my mom is on the opposite end of the spectrum in that regard. she categorically refuses to participate in any medical treatment that conflicts with her personal principles, and claimed she would kill herself if she was faced with no choice but to be vaccinated during covid (needless to say i haven't told her i'm fully vaxxed), and i believe her, because once when she had a fever so high her body seized up and she went into shock she refused to let us take her to hospital and told me she'd never forgive me if i dialled for a doctor. the whole experience needless to say didn't make me trust her opinion more, and i'm aware of how ableist and dangerous her "if your body isn't strong enough to deal with its health issues naturally it's because you're doing something wrong" stance is. i'm really sorry your mom is such a hypocrite though, that's hellishly infuriating.
#suicide mention#my mom is more or less like those people who believe that any medical intervention#is ontologically evil because it goes against the will of god#except its not a faith thing shes just conspiracybrained#honestly im pretty sure shes experienced some horrific medical abuse that traumatised her and made her easy prey#for conspiracy theorists and con artists but thats not an excuse for endangering other peoples lives
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Not to be really annoying and go ‘well actually’ to the joke about how silcos a twink who probably didn’t do shit in the mines and that miners all look like vander and are these big buff burly dudes is very much some propaganda in ur brain and not the reality of what conditions are like for miners from impoverished communities. You know they use children in mines bc they’re small right. If you’ve consumed any footage showing messed up mining communities that exists irl, like people who work in cobalt mines in Congo, they’re muscular, but at a glance, they’re not jacked and look pretty average. I think a lot of people are surprised seeing that they tend to be small and lanky for people doing hard manual labor all day, but that comes from not being able to afford enough quality food. You have to eat a ton of calories to get built, and that isn’t something many people who work in mines have.
#in this essay I would like to posit the theory that part of why silco became a crueler revolutionary than vander is#bc he experienced a more impoverished up bringing while vander had access to secure food and shelter#and that experience radicalized him more#I know it’s not real and it doesn’t matter BUT HEAR ME OUT the experience of being in an inherently weaker body created by the material#conditions living in an apartheid state where you’re forced into manual labor is a VERY INTERESTING characterization for your villain so#I love a villain who ends up evils bc really after a certain amount of bullshit they have no choice#which isn’t to say they’re right but serves to show how bad the system is#thank you for coming to my Ted talk#arcane#silco#vander#personal
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I think a big misunderstanding is the power people give Curly to actually change things about the way the pony express operates or could’ve done things on the Tulpar.
We are talking about a company that docks pay for bad synergy despite mandated psych evals that should tell which staff members would work well together, only allots for 5 hours of sleep despite having literally no other tasks to truly do and locks all resources behind the access of one person. The last one is likely to manage resources and make it easier to justify collective punishment and blaming one person for it; someone needs something in “excess” or the captain gives in? It’s all on them your pay is docked. Instant resentment.
It’s insidious how the company works, it’s by design to distract you from coming after them, to force tensions to line their own pockets. With all the restrictions and forced interactions, altercations are bound to happen. 5 hours of sleep a day, limited sources of entertainment, no real tasks… the monotony alone would cause bad cabin fever, mix that with just only one absolute mediator and you get the exact environment that allows shit like in the game to happen.
The idea he could just complain and try to throw his weight around to get them to dig into their pocket for the crews comfort is laughable and misses the predatory and dehumanizing aspect of capitalism the Pony Express represents. Curly was and is still just another asset to them. Being a top show pony doesn’t mean he’s anywhere close to the actual top. He is the top of the working ladder, not whoever’s in corporate, he wouldn’t even be on the bottom step unlike what Jimmy perceives. The resounding recommendations he would get are almost mocking as they throw him out like nothing just like the rest. Being a shitty fucking company, how much do you bet they’d mean anything anyways, especially since he wanted to leave the field all together.
He made a fuss and they didn’t listen, he says he should’ve done more but you can tell he knows it wouldn’t have changed anything. Jobs like this are willing to make a sacrifice if it means even a penny more. Curly makes a bigger fuss they likely would’ve just found an “unrelated” reason to fire him, hired a more pliable guy or, terrifyingly, promoted Jimmy. The company was failing, going to shut down whether anything happened on the ship or not. But knowing that they were shutting down and that everyone, including him, would be out of a job with this being their last paycheck, he had to factor in not destroying the last bit of their financial stabilities combined with every other issue on the vessel and his own. He gets another cryopod or locks and then he has to break to them that they are not only fired but there will be substantial cuts to their paychecks due to the “upgrades” (things that already should’ve been in place on their part) on top of anything else that could be docked along the way.
You can blame him for saying it so early into the trip but then again, if he mentioned it later who’s to say it wouldn’t have been worse? On the capitalism side alone how would people in a galaxy away from home, out of a job and already stir crazy react? Don’t get me started on how Jimmy would have reacted if he realized he only had two days left to fix what would be a very hard to miss “problem” in his head…
I can’t even consider explaining this as devils advocate because it’s just facts of the world we and they live in and factors that heavily affected the situation. People are just so quick to make claims on the ease of the choices when P.E literally makes it hard to choose to do anything but suck it up.
#this is also like a sort of point that while I wanted Curly to do more for Anya I realized he would have to jeaporsiE the crews safety in#some way like if they needed the cryopods one person would be left without one and like it would be curly he’d offer but don’t think any of#them would be happy or feel okay with letting him die over a rapist? he kills Jimmy and now he has to stand trial and be arrested for murder#because it’s not self defense or manslaughter like they could obviously lie but he wouldn’t let them do that in case of a sort of black box#or guilt on their mind specifically with Daisuke who would likely be kept out of the loop not to mention it’s a dead body with a limited#likely recycled air supply so again he’s getting tried for murder and they are down a cryopod#not to mentions again the fact that you need a copilot like I know like aviation law and shit is crazy and like not common knowledge#but you bed a second set of eyes or someone to trade off with so you don’t loose ur concentration or doze and crash#like they don’t just sit their and do nothing like Jimmy probably did some of the time cause Curly likely didn’t want to make him#cause like pissed off and spiteful Jimmy manning the controls even if just helping is not something he wants to deal with and risk their#lives but i digress I genuinely think the biggest flaw of Curly’s in the situation is being a man who could not handle or understand the#emotional gravity of what Anya experienced especially at the hands of someone who he was also#emotonal/mentally mistreated by and wanted to so badly to believe was his friend and improving#like he did not offer her enough or the proper emotional/physical security he could’ve as a captain nor friend but in that it goes right#back to the systems at play that make it so he isn’t meant or supposed to understand so it can’t be perpetuated and blah blah blah how many#times do I have to explain systematic oppression to certain groups in this fandom and it isn’t cut n dry of good guys bad guys and victims#as outliers of the tow categories l#mouthwashing#captain curly#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#the pony express#The Tulpar
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"History, culture, people; we were fools to think we could create it all from scratch."
#isat#in stars and time#off mortis ghost#odile isat#siffrin isat#oh odile. a book filled to the brim with familytales from your own family. and yet#what more could you write in a world devoid of inspiration. devoid of its own stories to read. devoid of life lived beyond your own#what could you learn of the people around you that you dont already know. that you havent written into them yourself#its very lonely#art#fanart#kitscribbles#can you tell i have no idea what to do past basic lineart. yeah coloring isnt my. well im not very experienced in it#i was holding onto this for so long vnfjdkln glad to get it out there#body horror#wish off a star au
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hey guys 🤲 spare nille thoughts? s’il vous plaît???
#radio rambles#so many isat fics who brush over her addition to the found family#fine sure whayever but also. also#pls ? pls?#i still need to make a nille design………#in my mind nille is like 18 or 19 at best#raising her child sibling#and i think. i think. something so special about the party taking her in#and helping with bonnie. because. it shouldnt have to be her responsibility#ofc she loves bon but it shouldnt have. to be. her job to take care of then#and she still will ofc…. shes used to it now. instinct or smth#but having a whole family of ppl who are Equally (if not more after. everything) protective of bon ? like. pls 🙏#ALSO JUST#we dont know much about their home life… if nille and bonnie live alone etc#id like to think she has neighbors she might rely on sometimes. coworkers at jobs she wouldve had to have taken up#but just having like. actual and experienced adult influences in her life can be so powerful#someone to. talk to about. feelings#DO U UNDERSTAND ME. DO YOU THINK NILLE TALKS ABOUT EMOTIONS#about her own#auggh#this was supposed to be a short post but now ive said one billion things#oops#talk to me abt nille. in exchange. uh. nille design one day#ok?#isat spoilers#isat
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There's something so incredibly wholesome about Ace encouraging someone to live for themselves because he's been (or is still, depending on how you look at it) in their position before.
Ace might not think that he's loved, too entrenched in his father's legacy and what other people have told him when he was younger, but even when he believes that blood relation isn't something that can be chosen, what's important is that you become something great beyond blood or titles, that the path that you go on is what you choose for yourself.
Yamato saying that Ace taught him the meaning of life might as well be literal. It's the exact thing he needed to hear from someone who knows what it's like to live a life shadowed by their father's presence.
#re-experiencing wano#rewatching this is great actually im able to reframe yamato's character and see him for more than someone chasing after Oden's shadow#which is such a misconception on my part#because it's more like Oden to him is the symbol of freedom and to “be” Oden is to live freely. thats substance!! its great#(also there's a shot of hibiscus flowers after that which made me choke a bit fuck off toei (do more of it i love symbolism))#portgas d. ace#yamato one piece#ace#wano spoilers#one piece spoilers#portgas d ace
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Experimentation (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Continuing the theme of memories and what Gaster ruined for them haha#He doesn't even have to be here and he's making their lives harder! Par for the course#Lots of things have the potential to trigger their memories - a familiar smell or a food they recognize#But there were so many things they never experienced and sifting between them is very difficult!#Especially considering most of what they ''remember'' is actually just their Reaction to Something - like the smoke smell making them tense#Sans here getting a Reaction for sure tho - being questioned and experimented on does Not feel good#It's Papyrus doing it so that's one thing but even still - not having fun with this#Papyrus is so curious! He wants to know! He always seems to be a bit left out on finding things out haha#Sans being the more science-minded of the two probably has an impact there - ask your brother he'll help figure it out#Unless he really doesn't want to because it feels weird please stop (lol)#Still tho being asked to eat things as an experiment? ''oh hey bro maybe going to grillby's will remind me of something'' ''SANS'' lol#Papyrus didn't mean anything by continuing to ask questions he's just curious!#Sans goes to write down the results and then feels Even Worse so scribbles them out#''don't tell me what to do!'' directed nowhere in particular#Tries really hard to put it out of him mind A Lot#This remembering business sure is uncomfortable!#Look what you did Gaster you took a perfectly fun data-gathering session and turned it into something they'll need therapy for!
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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how funny it is that you are the first to crack
#orihara izaya#priest shizuo#shizuo heiwajima#fallen angel izaya#shizaya fallen angel au#in memory of god#drrr#shizaya#durarara#ESA MANO ARBITROO#you know what else is funny#that in canon izaya has a dark color palette but shizuo's is light and it works bcs of the way people see them you know#even though shizuo is feared he's like this ray of sunshine so powerful strong and brilliant#but izaya is always in the shadows working#but in this au#i want to show the opposite#shizuo is the one in the shadows all dressed in black barely holding it all#repressing his emotions unlike shizuo in drrr#on the other hand izaya is still izaya#he's not innocent but his playfulness is more childlike bc this is his first time living amongst mortals#he's curious and revengeful#inmature and doesn't repress anything#he explodes and fights and he's so sensitive urghhhhh#but he's not more experienced than shizuo#okay i'll shut up sorry#ithink this is the first time i've drawn a kiss like zoomed in#i'll get better so i can draw them making out and fuc-#my art
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okay ill bite why do u hate kaoru sakuraba sidem aside from the fact that they went from hokuto as a main blue to downgrade to kaoru. to make it less awkward that I’m asking abt sidem on ur osomatsu side blog, what sidem idols would u assign to each matsu ?
i think sideM should collab w osomatsu-san and put them all in Beit so they can all get JOBS!!!!!!
anyways i hate kaoru from idolmaster sideM. i need all my osomatsu-san side blog followers to know that i hate this man. "i need a lot of money fast to pursue an extremely niche medical research track, which is why i quit my stable and high paying job as a surgeon to become an idol while having no soft skills, physical strength or stamina, or interest in getting along with people" are you Stupid??
he's not even using his idol clout to spread awareness of the rare disease he's trying to cure (like SEM does) so it can secure funding, he sees it 100% as a job and refuses to have fun, he is actively unpleasant and uncooperative in every interaction with his coworkers because he's trying to "rise to the top". it seems like the only thing he has going for him are his looks and that he kind of liked to sing when he was a kid. why not become a model at that point when you have the personality of a wet tree trunk. or better yet why not STAY A FUCKING DOCTOR!!!!!
also, i don't like meganes, so write that down.
#context for oomfiematsus: idolmaster sideM's gimmick is that all the idols were other things before becoming idols#Beit is the unit whose gimmick is that all their members have part time jobs (baito)#others are like. lawyer -> idol; pilot -> idol; pianist -> idol; rakugoka -> idol; etc#finding out the backstories/previous lives of these idols is like the main appeal of this branch#a lot of times it's like trauma and stuff that causes them to switch careers. like there's a pair of twins who were former soccer pros#but one suffers a career-ending injury and it's sad. and theyre like well we were pretty good at PR and stuff though so let's be idols#(the other twin follows him because yknow twinsies <3 cant be apart)#and this guy is in the main unit so you meet him and he's just a fucking dick the whole time and he just seems to fucking hate being an ido#so the whole time youre like what's this guy's deal#(note i experienced this through the anime cuz all the games are EOS lol)#and then like 3/4ths into the anime in you finally get his backstory#and it's that his sister died of a very rare disease so he needs money to fund research to find the cure but no one will fund it#but instead of staying a doctor he decides the best way to do this is to BECOME AN IDOL?!!!?!?#like sure i bet the top idols do make more than an average surgeon? but it's like do you want a .01% chance to make a $2 million salary#or an 100% chance to make a $300k salary BECAUSE YOURE ALREADY A SURGEON!!!!#and it'd be another thing if he was like. kinda having fun with it. kinda being jovial#like there's literally another guy in the teacher unit who became an idol for the exact same reason (heard it was lucrative)#but then after he finds out being an idol actually isnt all that much cash#so he just decides to have fun being an idol instead!!!!#this guy NEVER GETS THERE. he's always a SERIOUS RUDE STICK IN THE MUD who is NEVER FUN TO BE AROUND BECAUSE HE'S LIKE#I'm Here For Work. I'm Here To Be The Best Idol. I Don't Want To Make Friends#LIKE GET REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL DUDE YOUR COWORKERS ARE 10 YEAR OLDS IN ANIMAL COSTUMES AND 30 YEAR OLD MEN IN PINK TIGHTS.#anyways everyone likes him i guess he's supposed to be the “cold guy eventually opens his heart” kind of guy but he has always just come of#as very annoying to me. and also DUMB AS FUCK i cannot stress enough how STUPID OF A CAREER CHOICE THIS WAS#so i cant take him seriously when they try to play him up as this cool all-knowing guy when he's the STUPIDEST PERSON AT THIS COMPANY#INCLUDING THE 9 YEAR OLDS
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Do you ever just think about how the headboard on Kevin's bed on the Nest doesn't budge. Of all the hints about what his life there was like that's the one that gets to me the most because it's so deliberate. Because even though he's probably physically stronger than Riko or at least evenly matched, Kevin wouldn't fight back. But he wasn't given the choice to anyway
honestly i think putting neil in kevin’s side of the room is such a telling choice during the castle evermore scenes. we spend so much of the first and second book hearing about how much kevin fears his so-called family, their haunting of the narrative as bloodthirsty hounds who can sniff out his fear, and when we actually get to finding out why that is we see it from someone who was immediately shoved into kevin’s old place. riko wasn’t just hurting neil because he wanted to (“i’m going to enjoy hurting you just as much as i enjoyed hurting kevin”), he was making sure neil knew he was inferior by putting him in direct contact with the roles kevin and jean played in the nest, using him as a substitute for the one that got away. neil gets a speedrun of some of the worst moments of kevin’s life, and he gets not a single breathing moment for it before he has to be shoved back into exy, like kevin was
i wouldn’t dare presume nora sakavic’s intentions on anything at this point, but i like the idea that neil’s stay at evermore was supposed to tell us all we needed to know about kevin’s time there, without kevin ever having to actually recount the years (he wouldn’t, even if he could): that it was horrifying, and that being in his shoes will never be as glamorous as neil previously thought. i like the breaking of neil’s expectations for kevin; i like how it makes neil realize the life kevin led was not better. and that’s the point, isn’t it? when neil is lying in kevin’s bed, handcuffed to kevin’s headboard, his legs pinned under kevin’s only friend, getting hurt by kevin’s brother, that’s what neil realizes: this is not better. it might be different than life on the run, but it is not better.
#<- wished so badly for a nest era book and got a happy go lucky sequel instead#but whatever its fine.#IT JUST it gets to me how much neil idealized kevin and kevins life#and how the book slowly strips back that jealousy so neil realizes kevin was never free#kevins experiences at evermore are the kind of thing you actually need to live through to fully understand#i sincerely believe that after the dust has settled neil would have an extremely hard time with his memories of evermore#and he would specifically have a hard time looking at kevin and not remembering being in his shoes#it is very intimate what neil went through as kevin’s substitute. it’s also very horrifying#what’s more intimate than experiencing someones horrors like youre them?#anyway i think much of this clearly. and how much riko wanted to have kevin again as well#but thats for another ask i believe#asks#neil#kevin#riko
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