#exhausted bc I have a hospital thing tomorrow

[catwouthats]

Eepy, so it’s time to deeply imagine a guybats interaction so vivid that future me will think it’s a fanfiction (and be mad when I’m not able to find it)

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Not to continue my recent trend of oversharing on tumblr dot com, but I am very much struggling not to feel like I'm doing everything in my entire life wrong at present

[milflewis]

every single day this week has been another variation of surprise shawty! except every surprise has been a nightmare and shawty is so sad

[angelsfalling16]

...

[juni-ravenhall]

first off thank you for the kind comments on my post. i dont have energy to go there and reply. it sadly also doesnt change anything for me, which is not to say it doesnt matter, i did go back and read those comments maybe 20 times while crying my eyes out during the time i was at the hospital. but feeling loved by friends and strangers doesnt cure me (which i hope is understandable) so all i can say is thank you even if it doesnt make me less suicidal.

im at parents place as of now instead of psych ward, not because i feel any better (on the scale of 0-10 "can i survive this or do i kill myself", ive been at 0.01 every past day since friday, before friday i had been at 0.1 for months, right now maybe im at 0.02) but because i cannot get any help from the psych and it felt meaningless to stay. if its just to get cooked food handed to me, i could equally be at my parents house, despite that i have strained relations with them due to how they abused and traumatised me and my siblings and are still messy today even if more mellowed.

a healthcare worker will visit either tomorrow or monday to check on me and see if they want to push me to come back to being at the hospital. the place i was, was the kind of place where you cant have any strings in your room bc you could kill yourself, so they took my pants and shoes when arriving.

not sure what else to say. at parents house, still suicidal bc life is meaningless but im pushing myself to keep trying as long as i can. ive already been fighting this since 2017 (the first time i became suicidal, a switch flipped during a time of additional abuse on top of the regular abuse and i realised no amount of my endless optimism and effort could change the hell i am in) and im exhausted of trying.

i doubt i will go on sso bc its triggering. if i regain any sort of ability to focus on doing anything, i might start working on my own games again, bc thats a place where its only me and im free from everyone else. however, i have no motivation to do anything, which is why i want to die. i have no motivation to get up in the morning. i have no motivation to eat, i want to spit out food and couldnt swallow. i dont feel happiness in doing things that other people feel. i dont feel happiness interacting with friends - i feel a passive sort of happiness but not the deep, true joy and distraction from the pain that im supposed to feel. therefore its also hard to say i would be able to create things if i feel nothing and apathetic (i already largely felt this since 2017, which is why i havent been making much, but now its even worse).

if anyone read this far and you are interested in me or care about me a lot, feel free to reach out in dms and talk. now is the time. im not saying that because it will change anything for me, its highly unlikely to have any concrete effect on me at all. i say it more for your sake if you have things you wanted to tell me or if you wanted to know me better. this is that time. i cant promise what will happen after this. but if i feel as i feel right now, i will keep trying to log on here and there while i otherwise mostly cry and stare at the ceiling (again, unless i become able to start doing anything more interesting, which i cant tell if i will).

i will also try (no promise but try) to go back to the hospital if i become actively suicidal again as i was friday, bc juni (my inner bigger sister) is a stubborn fool and is trying really hard to keep me alive.

[shatterthefragments]

FUCK I AAID ID TRY TO TAKE MY BREAK TOMORROW EARLIER SO I COULD ATTEND A zoom COMMITTEE MEETINH 😭

I could use the extra money (especially with at least one more concert… at least one is potentially local and I can just drive there) but I also semi rely on that mid workday tumblr scrolling to get me through it rn. (Guess we’ll see if I can even leave when I want. It was an hour later than I wanted today)

Like the two girls who work sometimes together there. Like. It’s been at least a month or so now I think. Probably 3 months bc of the training benchmark thing that they had to do today instead of working. Straight up if I didn’t have a second person in I would’ve fully just broken down today. But uh. They still fully need to do a full day to shadow a clerk and then a full day where they’re supervised. I am not trained as a clerk. I am serving as their knowledge to do their jobs. I used to feel ambivalent towards my birth name but I hate it right now. The “xx” before I need to leave everything and go help them. Just fills me with dread.

And I’m okay with a bit of a language barrier -they can still communicate. But they shouldn’t necessarily need to ask me everything still. I am positive they can check a deck for a box labeled “waffles” without me needing to hold their hand through it. And they shouldn’t need me to Leave My Task to come help them ESPECIALLY when I’m with someone else (the customer complained about me :P and the store manager let me know after he left. Anyway if I have to do the “add it to the list of things to do for sure” that I’m writing in OT and that he said I should do it before I leave bc fuck even today I ended up staying late)

ALSO fuck customers who only want stuff fresh from this very day or fresh from the freezer and DONT PUT A SPECIAL ORDER IN and just request it whenever they come in. Every time. (Sometimes. The answer is no. I don’t have it cut up and available)

Would it help if I cried in front of you when I tell you that I don’t have any available right now?

Torn between catharsis and FUCK if I’m going to cry (at least mostly) because of work then I should at least be paid for it.

…I haven’t cried at (this) work since the last time I was yelled at by a coworker. (All previous times crying at this workplace were because she yelled at me) (I was almost crying. I almost went into the Cooler to have a cry)

Not to make light of it all but I’m like. One more bad Monday with those two away from a hospital stay. (I can’t bc the hospitals here are famously bad for mental health) (I have an appt and a meeting after next week’s Monday)

But like. Can’t sully any of my crafting and leather knives. (They’re very nice and I want to collect more - prettier too would be nice) but seeing the knives at work and knowing they’re freshly sharpened. It’s just. WILL YOU HEAR ME NOW?! I am screaming. I admitted OUT LOUD that I am struggling on Mondays right now. Can’t have any more wounds to heal. I have to keep my skin unbroken so I can get more tattoos. It’ll be so much harder to stop if I start. Bc the URGENCY in the urge is so fucking strong. It didn’t help when I did last but maybe it would now hit I can’t I can’t I can’t

And I’ll be really sad if what I suspect are a TON of new moles (…or maybe freckles??) are cancerous 1) I hate checking them I can’t remember and I don’t have the organization to photograph and monitor each one 2) I’d have to get the tattoos I booked somewhere else and I’m not sure if I’d go for my upper left arm or my upper front thigh area. (If you’re actually reading this I am taking input on this in case) 3) I don’t want cancer, and it would break my parents’ hearts 4) I don’t want to die (despite the Desperation telling me I do)

Im splintering. Im fragmented. And I KNOW that a large part of it is how tired and exhausted I’ve been. I AM going to bed relatively soon.

I want to get high and forget

Weed’s legal it’s probably fine

(Im still paranoid it’ll cause a psychotic break and I’m already so frequently disconnected dissociated and in such a state of unreality it’s terrifying to me. Because when they taught us about psychosis I related very heavily to a lot of it and I’m scared to admit it. I think I’m okay. It would’ve been a lot to be 15+ years deep so far and nobody noticing nobody being concerned I think I’m okay I just need to get back on the ocean. It will heal me.)

I want to not be in pain

I want to externalize some of it

I want SOME FUCKING HELP. (If I just ask I could. Allegedly. Get a referral and coverage for some therapy) but I’m okay I always am. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days and all that :P but uh. A clerk to help those two ACTUALLY FUCKING LEARN (as if they’d listen) would be Huge.

(But if I were to do edibles with a friend I trust her. I trust she’d know what to do.)

Fuck I don’t even feel like sadsturbating. I mean (I don’t like to use lube so) I already sorta went too long the other day(s) and bled a little so I shouldn’t anyway.

1000% down for someone to knead my ass until it bruises while we snuggle though.

…I just ran my retainer cleaner without my retainer inside of it… and then forgot to put it in. It’s in now. I flossed while it actually got cleaned. Which is good. But fuuuck.

“Diagnosed with a sinus infection” with Covid symptoms… I don’t want her to come back to work tomorrow (I would rather be down a person),,,

[herosplatling-replica]

No 22 with prc for the prompts bc they deserve a nap </3

(ask prompts here!) 643 words, oghghhghhh

______

Inny was the last one of the trio to clock out.

The other two hadn’t left yet, the both of them waiting in the basement while they got their things, so Inny took their time. While they didn’t get tired in ways that were typical for humans, their systems felt worn out from the day’s work.

They had been working overtime lately, and while they had tomorrow off, Inny couldn’t help but feel exhausted regardless. They opened the door to the hospital basement, carefully descending the stairs as they listened for their partners.

“We can’t stay cozy here,” Ian mumbled, his voice followed by a muffled groan of protest from Ada. “We’re never gonna get home if we do.”

“Jus’ a nap would be nice, though,” Ada whined, and Inny leaned to catch a glimpse of her sprawled out on the basement’s sofa. “Oh- there you are.”

« Sleepy? » Inny signed out simply, and both of their partners nodded reluctantly.

“Won’t it be more comfortable sleeping at home, though?” Ian tried again to reason with Ada, though it was clear he was losing this fight. His eyes were dark with sleep deprivation, and while he was currently trying to lift Ada’s head off the sofa’s armrest, it looked like he was more in the mood to settle in beside her.

“I feel dead on my feet,” Ada mumbled. She could tell she was beginning to sway Ian into her camp, so she lifted her head enough for him to take a seat. “And you look like you’re about to pass out. Inny too.”

The Intern paused, but they nodded. « I think… just a short nap would be good. Like fifteen minutes. Then we could maybe go out to eat somewhere? Get takeout? »

“You’d do that for us?” Ian yawned, settling in with a pillow on his lap for Ada to rest her head.

Inny nodded, reaching into their pocket to pull out their phone to set up an alarm. « Just a short nap will help. Then we’ll have the energy to walk home, and I’ll get the food. Sound good? »

Ada made a hum of approval, before lifting her legs up so Inny could settle in on the other end of the sofa. They chuckled silently, grabbing another pillow to put under her legs before Ada laid out on the sofa again.

“Hey,” Ada murmured, getting Inny’s attention. “Thanks.”

« Pffft- it’s not much, why are you thanking me? »

“Even like this you’re still only thinking about us. You’re too sweet,” she said, looking down at where her legs sat across the Intern’s lap. “I’ve told you it’s not that uncomfortable getting comfy on the couch with you, but you still grab a pillow anyway. Sappy dork.”

The Intern’s chassis made a puff of air that almost sounded like a scoff. They reached over and smoothed out Ada’s hair, the action making her mumble sleepily. « I just… worry a lot about being difficult to love with a body like this. If I can make you comfortable, that’s all the better for me. »

“’Difficult’, they say,” Ian murmured, already half asleep where he sat. “Like you’re not literally one in a million or anything.”

« Just the other week you had to help me get a baseball out of my screen- »

“Shhhh. No moping. You’re really cute and I love you.” Ian reached across the couch, taking Inny’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “Mechanical parts and all.”

Ada’s fingers wrapped around their joined hands, holding them close. “Mhm. We love ya.”

They still had a lot of insecurities rattling around their chest, but the Intern sighed and squeezed back. « Let’s just get some rest. Alright? »

They were answered by tired hums of agreement, so the trio got comfortable.

Just a small break.

[theworldoffostering]

I am beside myself. We are back in the national parks and spent today at one of the lakes. DH’s friends from ID came over and we did a picnic lunch with them. It was a really nice day. We then got ice cream and headed back to our campsite to get dinner made.

People were cranky from being in the sun all day and probably travel and being hungry. I was talking to my mom about my dad, and texting with my cousin (her grandma is in the hospital on hospice apparently) and taking each of the little kids for a walk around the loop to try to create some separation and space for everyone.

DS and Ms. 6 were doing nothing to help. Ms. 6 stayed in the tent most of the day bc she's mad and wants to go home. I asked the teens to take a walk. They did and when they came back we were almost ready to eat. Ms. 6 said she wasn't eating and again stated she wanted to go home.

Two minutes later she took off running and took DS with her. I had to report them missing to a park ranger and they put out a BOLO.

Within one minute of the BOLO going out, they were found but then Ms. 6 asserted to the ranger once again that I am abusing her! And then she told the ranger I was abusing DS! And DS went along with it. Didn't deny it.

The ranger that found the kids was one of the ones that helped us last year when we had this scenario and she was so mad at me--basically yelled at me saying that I was now back for the second summer and I had TWO kids accusing me of abuse. So it once again turned into a whole thing.

They wanted me to have proof that I wasn't abusing the kids. Thankfully, I managed to get DS's therapist on the phone at 9pm and one of the people that is in our home doing life skills weekly with the kids. Ms. 6 instructed DS not to speak to his therapist. Ms. 6's therapist never picked up.

Ms. 6 was aggressive even with park rangers present and the police said they could arrest her based on her actions (attempted assault on me in front of them and resisting an officer) but they didn't want to bc she would then be released in town and have nowhere to go. They also considered a 72 hour hold but it would have also resulted in her being released in town with nowhere to go (we are supposed to leave this morning for home). So they basically spent three hours de escalating while I cried my eyes out and tried to not go into shock (my entire body was shaking due to the adrenaline). Then a ranger drove them back to our campsite and dropped them off where H and E were crying hysterically from the stress and saying they didn't feel safe with Ms. 6.

I am beyond sad this happened AGAIN and things have been absolutely fine--smooth even with Ms. 6 on this trip but something was bothering her this morning. I asked her about it. She had a lot of attitude but I just let that roll off. I asked her what she needed. Provided suggestions and eventually asked her if she wanted a nap. She said she did so that's what she did. Before she laid down, I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said yes so I did and felt like we were okay.

Ms. 6 snap chatted with her biological family the entire time the police were managing the situation. Clearly not taking anything too seriously.

I then spent another two hours in the tent with them while they smugly giggled about how great they are. I cried again. Talked to them. Tried to explain why this was not okay. Tried to explain what could be done differently. Said I was glad they were not in jail or the hospital. Radio silence.

I stayed n the van with H and E while DH slept in the tent with the other four.

I'm exhausted. I'm so sad. Idk what to do. I'm not sure how we will make the 20 hour drive home tomorrow. I cannot ever travel with Ms. 6 again. I know DS’s therapist wants DS separated from Ms. 6 but Ms. 6 is being super manipulative. Do I tell her she cannot live at home any more? How do I create felt safety for everyone when she continues to do this?

[wastemanjohn]

🔥 i don't have topic in mind just go off

oof that's dangerous lol. i'll leave the heavy unpopular opinions for another time.

so i'll go with a softer one - cw frank poo talk

people who say they have IBS bc they take a long shit after a heavy meal, or more than one shit a day: talk to me when you've attended your friend's wedding (as a bridesmaid no less) with like the worst stomach pain of your life, belly ballooned out so far you have to pose for pretty photos while looking eleven months pregnant, having to run to the bathroom at least once an hour but you just CANNOT for the life of you take that shit. so it sits in there and gurgles especially loudly while your friend's dad is giving an emotional wedding speech to the point where people around the table are looking at you like you can fucking control your gastric system singing the song of its people and you end the day feeling exhausted and feverish and STILL can't pass the damn thing. you spend the entire celebratory breakfast the next morning in the bathroom in this tiny cafe where its so obvious where you are and what you're (trying to) do, struggling through the two hour train ride home with cramps like hell, get home and go straight to bed and take five laxatives and pray for that shit to pass (literally) - still no joy, just more cramps, gurgling and what feels like the crown of a pineapple nudging at your arsehole. so you literally almost crawl to the pharmacist across the street and beg for something to get you going. pharmacist takes one look at you and goes into the back and silently places a box of sachets on the counter, tells you to take one "and wait." doesn't explain what they are, you're so desperate you don't care, you go home and mix that up with some robinson's squash and then go back to bed. and so intensifies the cramps, so grows the pineapple, and you feel so fucking ill you're convinced at this point that you're dying, so you look at the packet again and see that mr edgelord pharmacist has given you a PRESCRIPTION ONLY BOWEL CLEANSE intended to be given to people the night before a colonoscopy. AND IT STILL ISNT FUCKING WORKING.

so at this point you call 111 crying bc you're convinced the pineapple arse baby is going to explode inside you and you're going to die of poo sepsis which is just a really unsexy way to go and you can't deal with that being your cause of death, and they tell you to get yourself to a&e right away which you do at like 5am at this point, so you get an uber to the hospital and the receptionist TRIES to tell you to go home and wait for it to pass but you're not having any of it (your memory is fuzzy aside from being taken into the back and pacing around wailing bc you can't sit down, have you ever tried to sit down on a pineapple arse baby, it's like what i imagine using a potato as a butt plug without lube would feel like), and you are probably left pacing and wailing for like 2 hours, bc this is the UK at 6am on a sunday and there's probably one doctor in the entire hospital who (understandably) doesn't think your pineapple arse baby is comparatively important; and your vitals are all fine which buys you probably another hour of pacing and wailing, and when the doctor finally comes through they brusquely finger your arse without even buying you a snack first and declare that "the rectum feels empty" like you're here for fun, and then return with a box of movicol (powdered laxatives) and tell you to go home. in what is possibly your finest and coolest moment to date you beg for an enema because you already sank a half pack of movicol (you always have a supply in your IBS cupboard bc you have one of those) and a prescription only fucking bowel cleanse and the doctor looks at you like you've come to a&e with a cut finger and tells you "it's just your IBS, wait for it to pass and see your GP tomorrow."

so you go home in an uber crying your racing heart out and sitting on your thighs while the concerned driver asks if you want to go back to the hospital and you declare no because its JUST YOUR IBS AND YOURE OVERREACTING (you may have told the driver this) and you crawl back up the stairs to your flat and go to bed and wait to die

three hours later the things my bathroom saw - well, sensitive readers may find the details disturbing so i'll omit them. but the pineapple arse baby passed over a period of about four long hours and i did not leave that bathroom the same person i was when i came in. i am actually only half joking. this was such a horrendous experience i actually had a nightmare or two about it. and now every time i have a bad ibs-c flare up, i get so anxious about this happening again i have had actual panic attacks.

... do all of this THEN come tell me you have IBS. take some imodium for your carbonara, white wine and gelato induced loose stool and stfu you little bitch.

[mouthsfullofsharpteeth]

alex and tim hatefuck a lot but during one of the times they are getting rough with each other one of them actually gets hurt.

ohhhh my gosh. its late season three, tim is sooo exhausted. constantly having to join jay on all these stupid outings into the woods because hes worried jay will just die if tim doesnt go, meanwhile he knows alex has killed people, has done horrible horrible things. but.

(read more bc it got very long)

but.

they have kinda been having sex for a little while...

tim is pretty sure its an unspoken agreement too. no cameras. no tapes. no telling anyone. and they can be as rough as they want, because who even fucking cares anymore? the first time was in the woods, on the leaves and dirt in the middle of the night. then alex figured out which hotel tim was at, and they did it there. third time, alexs car. and then this time was back to basics, just tim roughing alex up at the doorway of his hotel room, making Sure that the camera was shut off and in the closet, joining tim's. they both bring the cameras every time. probably just habit to carry it around. and at first, they start right up against the door.... then the floor... then the bed and then back to the floor. theres a lot happening. but this is normal for them. its scratching and biting and hissing curses in between messy kisses. and it seems literally like any other time theyve done their little routine, up until the end.

tim is starting to get his shower ready while alex puts his clothes back on and promptly fucks off like usual, except this time he doesnt fuck off, hes kinda just sitting at the little desk in his underwear, squinting down at the shirt he shown up in. tim gives him a very unsubtle side eye. he doesnt want this prick here any longer than necessary. so he snaps something like, what is it. whats taking so long. and alex looks up at him, chest littered in bites bruises, and he mutters that its nothing, but its clearly not nothing, so tim has to sigh and walk over and see what his problem is. and when he gets closer, he notices that alex is looking kinda pale. the bruises showing up more starkly reddish purple against sort of greened, sickly skin. whats with you, he asks again. alex doesnt answer, until tim lightly swats the side of his head and asks again. alex grumbles that he just feels a little....dizzy. at first time is like, oh wow i fucked you so good that youre straight up like sick now? is that it? and alex is all NO >:-( but then it starts becoming clear he really does not feel well, and tim is kind of frustrated because he does still want to shower, and jay is probably going to want to go out looking around the hospital again tomorrow, but tim is a nice guy. he prides himself on still being kind despite the situation hes in. and he does have a little experience with sickly guys who feel like crap and dont know why, so he runs down the usual questions that he asks jay. when did you last sleep? i dont know, yesterday or the day before. have you eaten today? no- wait yes. well what was it? like a protein bar or something i dont know why does it matter??? then, does anything hurt? i dont know, my head i guess. mainly the back of it. and tim thinks back to earlier, and how he had, albeit a bit forcefully, slammed alex into the wall in order to bite the shit out of his neck. and he wonders... hm. could alex...... have hit his head? well, its likely.

so begrudgingly, tim drags alex to the shitty hotel bed, makes him drink a room temperature bottled water, and after wards alex has his head to his knees, empty stomach and pounding head not agreeing with all the water he'd just downed. and as tim rifles through the food he has on him, he wonders, not really for the first time, why they only have ever met at the places tim's staying before. of course, there was alex's car, but that's not really a place to STAY. he tosses some snack stuff to alex, sits on the bed, and asks him, hey, where are you staying these days anyway? alex snatches the food, tearing open one of the packages, and scowls at him. why do you care???? he looks starving. tim gets a scowl on his face too. well, doesnt It fucking like you or whatever? you seem to be its favorite after all, so i dont think it would really let you just sleep on the side of the road. alex sneers, clearly unamused, and keeps eating through a bag of pretzels. of course i have a place to stay, he snaps, and then doesnt elaborate. they sit in silence with that for a little while, tim more uncomfortably than alex. then he stands up and looks for his clothes and says hes gonna go to the ice machine. when he comes back, maybe he had also bought a few more snacks from the vending machine in the lobby. and maybe its a little gentle when he situates a makeshift icepack under alex's head. they dont do any of this after care shit usually, but tim wonders if maybe. well. maybe if theyre gonna keep doing this, then perhaps they should.

[soggypotatoes]

man haha I had the most action packed weekend..

Saturday was huge on its own, did a lot of things, outside even and both days were 30C heat.. then yesterday I went to my old employers house to do some gardening for her and packing cause she's moving, went grocery shopping, waited for a bus in the heat for half an hour, got home, did laundry, then.. well, my housemate hasn't been doing well, he's been flat out depressed unable to get up for the most part so I had a talk with him (I mostly sat next to him and gently repeatedly asked him to tell me one thing he'd been thinking about ((he is not one for communicating or expressing things))), then he cried while I hugged him (!!!!! HUGE, Ive barely ever even seen him express an emotion), talked a bit.. then walked my dog for an hour (his job today but he was exhausted ((we co-parent))) and talked to my mum... idk, for other people this is fine, but for me? I often get exhausted just by having to do laundry.

by the end I could literally feel my energy reserves going in the negative, but it was different bc it didn't feel bad? it was just, ok, I am borrowing spoons from tomorrow, but emotionally and physically I was ok. I think I forgot about it though bc I got up and immediately made a mental list of things to do today.. only to have a big nap after already sleeping 10 hours lol. I have therapy later, and I gotta walk my dog. think I'm learning a lesson here which is to account for this after a big day.

also I'm gonna drop one of my subjects this trimester, I think housemate will go back into hospital soon so I'll need time to take care of myself + doggie alone. it was hard last time he went in, but I made a lot of important growth. I think I need to use this time to learn how to open myself to relying on others support more.

my self harm is still happening, but I'm letting it happen, harm reducing it. a lot of big positive change has been happening and I think one of my smaller parts is terrified of it. I'm really happy that things are getting better though. Ive felt stagnant for so long, but I've been moving this whole time, I think.

[sarasa-cat]

Cough cough cough cough sputter cough

Well…

Charging up my iPad so I can take it will me to high tea in posh hotel atrium.

Partner has left to do some social things with elder family. I canceled bc I cannot talk and while I assume I’m not contagious with nasty ass common cold germs right now, I am being respectfully cautious. Also, no, I don’t want to fight 45-60+ min of traffic each way and be a coughing mess every time someone expects me to say more than one word.

Generally pissed off. For reasons. This set of travel legs amounted to 3+ weeks of carefully planned time I am not getting back and zero film shot, hardrive empty, gear still in fancy travel case, etc etc etc. so much cancellation. Fml. And my bank account. Especially my bank account.

Managed to drag myself out to a fave clothing store yesterday and get 5 outfits (all 100% cotton and well made and very nice and will last many years, not just many washes) for — oh how the strong dollar has favored me — the equiv of US 120 dollars.

Desperately need to go to other fave clothing store tomorrow for a massive raid that will hold me over til my next trip.

Need to check remaining space in luggage tonight.

Cranky

Next international flight is on Wednesday morning (4am) so I really hope to NOT be a fucking mess on that plane. Bc that and the 4am takeoff (prolly 3am boarding) is a giant fml with getting over being sick.

My cough is way worse in evening so yeah. This will be fun. 🙃

Should have never agreed to rearranging the travel itinerary such that I would be heavily exposed to school kids immediately before a big series of (mostly canceled) exciting places that were designated stops for shooting epic amounts of pro photography and pro video. For various things. Fml.

So fucking cranky but too exhausted to crank.

We decided to redo the canceled itinerary within the next 8-12 months but scheduled so I remain in my bubble during critical days/weeks.

Honestly, I wish I wasn’t so susceptible to sinus infections and lung inflammation that will land me in US hospitals (outside of US doctors are far more competent and get me my drugs fast so I never loose lung function and lungs stay mostly or entirely clear while I recover at home) but because of this I just normally nope the fuck out of anything involving kids under age of tweens/teens, and yes, in the US it certainly shapes my circle of friends (lol- who have all left so my US circle in my metro area is now closing on zero).

I am more forgiving of my rules in nations that (a) have excellent health care I can access and are (b) not the US.

Had this one-two punch occurred in the US, 50/50 I would have had at least one trip to the ER and you know what that costs. Fuckjng American medicine. Fucking AMA. Fucking greedy capitalist shitbags is what American doctors are.

My Med bills so far including OTC and Rx drugs ongoing for 3 weeks, and doctor visiting me in my hotel: maybe the total equiv of 25 to 30 US dollars at most.

And while I have not been happy, never once was I in a bad situation as in need ER visit now. Bc I am Rxed the correct drugs. Unlike the shitbags in the US.

[madelineserenity]

Reaper Nurse Christmas Prompt Countdown | Day 3: Fruitcake

(This one is with a reader in a polygamous relationship with the nurses. As Christmas is a time for family, I'll be writing some with a child, girlfriend/wife/fiancée, etc. reader. Sorry this was late, basically can't have any of our meds in the house, because let's just say someone in the house has **really** bad depression. We can't get it ourselves, if we could, they could too, so someone else needs to bring it to us. By the time they got here yesterday, if I took them I wouldn't sleep at all so I didn't. Because Vyvanse is some ridiculously strong shit I had a really bad crash, and obviously had the exhaustion I have without it. I couldn't write whatsoever, but I have it now so we're all good. SORRY FOR THE LONG EXCUSES BACK TO THE COUNTDOWN- also fruitcake sucks, fuck you if you like that shit) (oh fuck more words? get back to the writing. this is the fruitcake recipe, get into this series it's good unlike the fruitcake, also you might see a familiar name that I split in half and gave to two of my OC nurses) ;)

(had to put this here to seperate my rambles and my other rambles. this fic may have been used as an excuse to relentlessly insult fruitcake and may contain traces of salt, and i had to make the introduction bit small bc it was way too big and it was distracting from the actual writing)

The entire hospital smelled like gingerbread, spices and sugar. It was a tradition in the hospital, this time of year, to make traditional Christmas sweets to serve along with tea for the guests, the patients who were actually patients and not men, and of course, the nurses, the Matron, and you. Yesterday, you and Julie had made ginger beer, the bottles of which were now sitting in the pantry to ferment.

You were now kneading the gingerbread dough, it was cool from being left in the fridge overnight, well, most of the night. It wasn't your fault that it smelled so good, you just couldn't resist coming down to pick at it every now and then. Well, that was until Mary was waiting there to catch the dough thief. She actually grabbed you rather hard by the wrist and started to tell you off, because you'd make you upset if there wasn't enough left in the morning to make a gingerbread house, until she realised that you... well, you were you. The hospital had obviously been dark, so that you and the patients could rest, the nurses didn't need much, none of the monsters did, unless they were sick or injured. Still, even though she had the excuse that she "couldn't see you too well in the darkness", she still had to use that excuse, with the Matron.

You were chucking to yourself about the whole thing, but you also felt a little bad for her. Just a little, though, because the gingerbread still tasted better than leaving it alone and sparing her the scolding. You then realised you were still pulling little bits of dough out of the lump and eating them, but the chunk in your mouth was... already in your mouth, so you were definitely allowed to keep this one, right? Nobody wanted your saliva in the gingerbread. Nobody wanted the chunk.

Well, that was true until Mary pulled you into a kiss, tasted it on you, and chided you for still eating it. She pulled herself a nibble - hypocrite! - before standing back and calling for the other (fairly jealous of the kiss) nurses in the kitchen to gather round.

"I got off scot-free, well, for the most part. The only condition was that Matron's really itchin' for some fruitcake on Christmas Day and considering her (ahem) size, we're gonna need some help.."

It was decided that you'd be making about 3 large fruitcakes stacked on top of each other, ("If she thinks it's too much we can say we made a lot so she could have more tomorrow, like having, like, a slice and having another slice the next day until it's finished, we just don't want it being too small that she feels disappointed in the amount")

So, off to the mall it was, after putting the gingerbread back in the fridge. You were dolled up in a black dress with a white lace collar and cuffs, brown ruffle socks, little black Mary Janes and a fuzzy winter coat. Anne drove to the Therapy Centre first, so you could wave good-bye to the Matron. Of course, you weren't allowed further than the balcony, like usual. She called you adorable and ordered the nurses to make sure you were warm in the snowy weather. So, after additionally having your head stuffed into a white beanie with a pom pom, and having your neck wrapped in a sheer grey scarf, you all gathered back into the ambulances - you were with Anne and Julie.

You all ran around like headless chickens looking for ingredients, rather annoying the mannequins, but they didn't say anything about it, - mostly because they couldn't, they would alternatively stomp and generally look angry until you all calmed down, but also, - because they obviously wanted the sales.

You actually had half a mind to dry the cherries yourself at the hospital, in the oven, with the idea of them being fresher in the cakes, but when you brought this up to Julie, she looked at you like you were insane.

"You'd have to do multiple batches, with all the cherries in the recipe I borrowed from Mama Bear, to make this much cake. Do you have any idea how long you'd need just one batch to be in the oven to dehydrate?? We'll be ready to mix the batter together and throw the cakes in the oven by next Christmas!"

She had a point, so you just raided the mall for every bag of dried cherries you could find, while other nurses ran to Julie to read the list for the next ingredient they needed.

Eventually you were all done, every ingredient was crossed off the list. By this point you were sleepy, so Anne scooped you up bridal-style to go back home. That was when she had a brilliant (and adorable) idea. Needless to say, all of the nurses were cooing at you wrapped up in a wool blanket, strapped onto the gurney in the ambulance, fast asleep. This way, you wouldn't be uncomfortable sitting up in your seat while half asleep. A chuckling Julie shooed everyone else away while she secured the bed in place inside the ambulance before hopping inside to drive while Anne took a picture to show Matron, and then started petting your hair.

You were a little disappointed, after waking up in your own bed that evening, to find the cakes had already been in the oven for 6 hours, having missed the baking while you slept the day away. But, after dinner, a chicken stir-fry with noodles and vegetables, after playing a heated, argument-filled game of Monopoly, (which you did NOT win. The winner was always Anne, she always bought the most hotels and never went to jail), you did get to pull the cakes out and leave them to cool, and you also got to poke holes in them and pour brandy into the holes. (You'd be doing that every day until Christmas, when the cakes would be served, to keep it moist.)

You were drinking hot chocolate in the reception hall when everyone heard Mary yell.

A moment later, she burst into the hall, the doors banging into the walls and leaving cracks in the paint. She stuck her head out into the room (the only part of her that was visible, the rest of her was still in the halls) before looking straight into your soul.

"How much of that gingerbread did you eat!?" she looked absolutely astounded.

Sure enough, there was not enough to make a gingerbread house, and you spent the rest of the evening moping and sulking, feeling sorry for yourself, as you heard Mary whisper "I told her so" into Anne's ear as Anne chuckled and shook her head, facepalming at you.

[krs724490]

11.4.2024

breathwork was not what I expected... it was a little more tame. I could feel myself tempering myself. I dont have to go for the gold and try to create this big emotionally exhausting experience like magda taught me. I can just poke around and see whats going on. I very much rode the waves. I didn't try to peak the experience so hard. Which I am grateful for. I realize now I haven't done breathwork since before the summer? yeah. I did one right before I left. I've been through so so much since my last breathwork that very much influenced this experience.

In my mind, I thought I might experience a boss ass bitch energy. because that is what I've been orienting toward lately. and a little of that was there. I could sense that there was so much for me to tackle and do for myself. I saw the ways I could really seize my workouts and eating well and generate so much wellness inside of myself. Now that I am prioritizing myself the ways I can build relationships and become super educated on topics I'm interested in. I dont always have to feel dumb, I can recognize the wealth of knowledge I do have. I can read books and learn things. and I can't wait to pour time into doing that.

*side note* I thought a deal breaker was that graham did not make me feel special. but I also realize I was not making myself feel special anymore. I wasn't improving my own self esteem and that was informing my interpretation of graham's views on me. I'm not sure this could still be a potential deal breaker...

I thought I might get the message that I am so powerful on my own that I should put graham down. instead I got the opposite. even now sitting here it is hard for me to wrap my brain around because my brain doesn't want to believe. I had this feeling of truth. the truth is that we had something solid. I honestly cannot put words to it. but it was the feeling that he still reigns true to me. I wish it weren't true. it feels like such horseshit actually. that I would have feelings for someone who doesn't give me the love and support I deserve. how much can you blame on an attachment style? I dont want to do what I have to do tomorrow but I also know......

he is a part of my own self development, big a boss bitch bc I am addressing my feelings about him. not weak to feel for someone.

I can't help but think of when brian was trying to get back together with me and how lame and sad it felt. but if I paint that narrative around it thats the energy I will carry. it is actually a great act of bravery and something I'm doing for myself. and if I get rejected then I get rejected. painful but revealing. and I can see myself taking that shit absolutely alchemizing with time and tears. godspeed for tomorrow. it is going to be interesting nonetheless. great for the plot.

god telling me I am seeing the signs. I asked god during the session if signs were real or what was going on. and the message was clear, "you already know." the signs are all real because you have god within you and you are claiming the signs. I've seen signs both that graham and I will get back together and that we wont. and its because right now both are true. I'm pulling at straws in either direction. I am seeing the signs and making them mean something. I am also putting energy into my situation. its all coming from me.

the breathwork doesn't feel as satisfying. it felt jumbled and less bodily, more mental to be honest. my body dug up the emotions - a montage of graham in the hospital with me. this is a somatic practice, sorry. I shouldn't say it was all mental but I was frustrated with the outcome. it would be easier to move the other direction. and I left feeling like gaaaahhhh. no simple answer. just the multitudes that I contain inside of myself! I am learning to sit with the paradoxes that throw themselves around left and right. and I feel well right now doing it. praise be

[user1901151003041310]

I can't kms rn so I'm just cutting myself lol

No but like *vent*

I feel like I don't deserve the help I'm getting. I don't want to get better. I mean, a part of me want to, but I'm just so comfortable in my mental illness. Like writing suicide notes, making a plan and thinking about committing suicide literally gives me comfort.

And I know that I'm loved by a lot of people and that's just so fucked up, cus that makes it way harder to leave this world.

I feel rlly stressed rn bcs of upcoming exams. I didn't do anything yet and I start tomorrow lol. I was gonna work last weekend, but I literally couldn't concentrate. Even tho I wanted to study, I had no motivation and I felt exhausted. I hate it.

And idk, I have a friend group, but literally everyone (except one person, S) is irritating me. Like they are not even doing annoying things, I'm just so fucked up. It feels like when I'm with them, my social battery gets so low. I don't want social contact anymore with them, cus it makes me feel exhausted. I think it's bcs their interests are different from mine, so I have to listen and pretent I like it. (Not that one friend tho)

Also, I gained weight, and I'm terrified of gaining weight. But on the other hand, I can't stop eating when I'm home. Like I ate cookies and candy when I came home. But like a lot.

Also!! Like in October I tried to kms, but it obviously didn't work. I also didn't had to go to the hospital or something. Buttt since today I have a plan again so it won't be long anymore till I'm gone (hopefully it'll work this time)

[livingprophecy]

small mental health rant in the tags