#executive dysfunction for authors

[eight-littlenightmares]

GUYS. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

WRITE. just START WRITING. it’s gonna be super painful for the first few hundred words or so, and your concentration is gonna be super fragile, but after that it should get easier and you should get into the flow of it!!

obviously i can’t say for certain that this’ll work for everybody, but please try it. go sit down, set a goal, and WRITE. for me rn my goal is at least 500 words, but you could edit that number to be higher or lower, or just go on time writing instead.

the more you write, the easier it should get. as an autistic person, i suffer from executive dysfunction, and it is sooo hard to get writing done. you kinda just have to brute force it at first and then it should get easier.

let me know if this was in any way helpful!!

[brotrustmeicanwrite]

i need people to ask me about my story or I'm never writing it

[blackbird-brewster]

Please send me your horny thoughts and prayers as I try to write my first ever foursome. 🫡😭🫠

As if 3somes weren't hard enough to keep track of everyone's body parts, I've decided to throw in a whole extra person.

Worst case, it sucks and I don't post it. Best case, you're all going to have some really delicious smut.

[usernamesarehard1]

Why is it so hard to put my thoughts to paper? I want to write screenplays, and novels, and movie reviews. But I have all these complicated thoughts in my head for them that I just cant seem to actually write down. I hate myself. It makes me feel like a failure. Writing is what I want to do with my life and I can't even do it now.

[fumifooms]

I read 1 fic yesterday and it literally energized me more than my new stimulant adhd med did. Marchil confirmed better than drugs. Crying

[writerinturmoil]

My ADHD Journey

Growing up, I never suspected that I had ADHD. My sister has it, and since she has an obvious presentation of it, she got diagnosed decades before I did. Also, my symptoms are nothing like hers. They're more subtle and unusual. Add autism to the mix, and it's no wonder that I got overlooked.

The first time I suspected that I had it was when I watched “The Science of ADHD Medication” by the Sci Guys. Many of the symptoms and traits discussed in this episode resonated with me. Even though the warning bells clanged loudly in my head, I ignored them. Instead, I tried to meld my specifically ADHD symptoms into autistic ones, even if this required copious amounts of ingenuity and slight of hand. I'd always come up with some reason why I didn’t have it.

“Oh, I can't possible have ADHD because I’m organized, and I always arrive at places on time.”

The big revelation came a few months later when I watched “adhd: just stop being disabled, i guess?” by stillnotcorry. When he said that people with ADHD function at the extremes, either arriving extremely early or late to places, the wall of denial finally shattered into a million pieces.

I always arrive at places ridiculously early, sometimes over an hour early, because I have of a fear of being late. Hours before leaving the house, I enter into panic mode. Every five minutes or so, I’ll look at the clock. I'm afraid that hours will slip away from me if I don't do so. Also, I'll gather all of the items that I need to bring with me and place them next to me, visible and tangent. Getting work done while in such a panicked state proves difficult because I'm constantly reminding myself what time I must depart. A reminder that plays on repeat like a broken record in my head. A reminder that blocks out all other thoughts and cares, including those that deal with bodily functions and survival.

After the wall of denial had fallen and the dust had settled, I thought about all of the other ADHD related symptoms I have. Ones that plague me constantly.

First, I struggle with executive dysfunction, which is also a sign of autism. One experience I heard many with ADHD relate is the inability of getting out of bed in the morning. I also find this a challenge but hadn’t realized it at first because I had unconsciously set up a sleep routine that accommodated for it. I go to bed early enough so that I wake up fifteen to twenty minutes before the alarm. This extra time gives my body plenty of time to start moving and functioning correctly.  

When I don’t wake up and sleep until the alarm goes off, I find it difficult to move. I can’t get my body to follow the commands that my brain sends. I have to literally throw myself off the bed. A violent act that always results with me face down on the floor, mummified in my blankets.

Second, I have issues with working memory. If I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, I may forget what I wanted by the time I get there. I will stand in the middle of the room and try to logic the reason for my jaunt. If I see a pile of dishes or an overflowing bin, I’ll assume that my goal. My workaround is to repeat my intention until I achieve it. “I need water. Water is what I need. I need nothing but water. Water is refreshing, water is delicious!”

Third, I can’t sit still. Since a kid, I would bounce my leg, sway from side to side, or get up from my seat whether it was appropriate to do so or not. This behavior drove my grandma crazy. I can still hear her in my head: “Sit still already! Do you have fire ants in your pants or something?” 

In school, when I couldn’t sit still for another moment or I’d combust, I’d pretend that I needed to use the toilet. With hall pass in hand, I’d journey to the furthest restroom possible to prolong my freedom. Once I arrived, if no one else was in there, I would expend some energy by dancing to a song in my head or doing a few jumping jacks. Luckily, nobody walked in on me.

At restaurants, my family and friends are used to me getting up at random moments to wander around the establishment for a bit. Sometimes, I may even just stand up and sway. I’m sure the patrons give me funny looks, but I don’t notice them. I only pay attention to the reactions of my family and friends. If they seem fine with it, which they usually are, I continue with my swaying. If they don’t seem comfortable with it, then I go for a wander. 

At the cinema, I usually get a seat in the back row, so I can stand up and sway whenever I want.  Also, I never go during peak times or on weekends. I enjoy nearly empty theaters with only a handful of patrons in attendance. If it’s too crowded, I become easily distracted by the sounds of coughing, shuffling feet, and talking; by the smells of body odor, perfume, and concession food; and by the sight of people’s heads, arms, and cellphones. 

Last, I tend to space out, especially when I’m watching a movie or having a conversation. My brain will get bored or distracted and begin contemplating other things. Sometimes, I’ll see an object or hear a word, and my brain will associate it with another object or word. Either of these associations can get me sidetracked onto a different topic. And down the rabbit hole I go. The world fades from my consciousness as my brain becomes completely obsessed and absorbed in this new topic. When I remember that I was watching a movie or having a conversation, the world snaps into reality once more. Usually, only a few seconds have passed, but in those few seconds, the movie had moved on to another plot point, or the conversation had steered unto another talking point. I’m left completely in the dark and utterly baffled as to what the hell is going on.

After accepting the fact that I most likely had ADHD, I decided to get assessed. At the time, I had the option of getting one at the same place where I was in the process of getting an ASD assessment, but the price deterred me. It cost $800!

After doing a bit of research, I went with Envision ADHD Clinic that only charged $640. After the assessment, the doctor diagnosed me with combined type ADHD on 29 September 2023. 

In hindsight, I should’ve spent the extra money. I didn’t get on with the doctor, and he seemed big on curing or alleviating any and all ADHD symptoms with supplements, diet, and exercise. Additionally, he wanted me to get an expensive blood test, and I refused. I already get a yearly checkup, and the only supplement I need is an iron pill.

He also didn’t start me on any medication. That would require four to five appointments, each one costing $199 a pop! Um…Excuse me?! Who has that kind of money? I’d already wiped out most my savings to pay for the ASD and ADHD assessments. I couldn’t afford to shell out any more. 

At the time, I decided to wait until I could find a place that took my insurance. I didn’t worry about finding a place this year because I’ve been preoccupied with top surgery. I did start the search during my recovery, and I believe I’ve found such a place. After the holidays, I plan to make an appointment. 

I’m just a bit afraid that I’ll need to get reassessed because that doctor was definitely a quack. Well, I guess that I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.

If I do go on ADHD medication, I don’t want to get prescribed a stimulant. I avoid caffeine and any stimulant medication because it makes me feel jumpy and paranoid. Also, it seems to make my autism stronger and more powerful. I’d rather get prescribed either Qelbree or Wellbutrin. I think the latter would really help me with my frequent dark moods and sense of helplessness. Those days when I feel like *“all things fall apart; the centre cannot hold”.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

*“The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats

Sources:

“The Science of Medication”

Sci Guys

15 January 2023

“adhd: just stop being disabled, i guess?”

stillnotcorry

25 August 2023

[zombolouge]

there are, as best I can tell, two grave advice sins that you can commit when giving advice that will render whatever you're saying useless and probably make people think you're a dick.

"I don't have this problem, and I've never had this problem, but I'm pretty sure this is how you should be solving this problem"

"I had this problem and solved it this way, and that means EVERYONE can solve it this way and it's the One True Solution."

The first means you're uninformed on the realities of the problem and there's a 90% chance whatever is going to fall out of your mouth has already been tried or has already been recommended a billion times. It doesn't matter if you read it online or heard someone else recommend it, unless you're asking the person about the variables in their situation first and really getting into the nitty gritty, you're probably just sounding like a pre-recorded flight safety message. Thank you for telling me how to buckle up and where the exits are, but nobody here is really explaining what I'm supposed to do about the clown with a chainsaw in the fourth row.

The second one is extra annoying because you could have given good, actionable advice if you'd actually thought longer about it than "problem solved, this is the answer to the math test, byeeeee". Motherfucker what we needed were the notes you used to arrive at the answer. Show your work. Because somebody else might be working with completely different variables, and if you hand them "the answer is 2" when they have a different number set, you're just handing them failure. If you hand them the equation, however, then they can apply some of it to their own problem and arrive at their own correct solution. For instance, if acknowledging a negative thought reduces it's effectiveness, the advice isn't necessarily "just accept the thought and move on!" it's examining *why* that acceptance helped. Perhaps because it removed guilt from the equation, meaning you were carrying one less thing while you tried to move forward? Great! That's useful! Someone can go "okay, what about this is making me feel guilty and what can I do to feel less guilty?" and then they have a workable approach.

Even just making the space for the fact that your solution is not the Only Solution can help fix either of these. Expand ur minds. Accept that the myriad of human circumstance will mean that we're all working with a different starting, middle, and end point.

[huxkisser]

me in high school: i’m gonna do so much better in university because i hate structure and authority and i hate being told what i have to study and when. just give me the work and i’ll do it when it works for me and i’ll be much more productive

my psychologist, talking to me about my executive dysfunction now: you need structure. you literally need structure to function. u need to at least plan out when ur going to do things. u need some form of structure

me: fuck… ur right…

[cowboylikeyouu]

when you need to study but you also need to clean your room but you also need to write a new fic chapter but you also want to start working on some flufftober oneshots but you also need to work on your eras tour outfit bc your show is next week and oh you don’t have enough friendship bracelets yet but you also have so much yarn and promised yourself to crochet more but you also kinda want to spend the entire night reading fanfiction but you also have a 1000 unread books on your shelf but you also want to read some comics but there‘s also a ton of new shows you want to watch but you also want to go the movies every single day and push your letterboxd and and and and and and and and then you just spend your entire tay on tumblr and tiktok

[maraschinotopped]

hey guys i think i have a new fixation developing

[some-pers0n]

Snail in my ear is telling me to do weekly updates for my longfic again for the month of June like I did last year (I haven't updated since the beginning of March)

[muzzlemouths]

Ever since I screamed at Xitsen ahem, suggested Xitsen read Sleuth Jesters, I think it's now my responsibility to suggest this story to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

So... Muzzie. Yes, you *should read* it. You won't regret it, my promise :3

Naff's unofficial PR department wishes you a great day! xDD

I WANNA READ IT SO BADDDDD

The ONLY thing preventing me from reading it (among others) is that I'm a horribly slow reader, and that makes SJ's whopping 152,963 wordcount terrifyingly intimidating, so I end up procrastinating starting at all and just feed off the fan content I see of it instead.

But I know - I know it's a story I'll instantly fall in love with if I can just get myself to stop pussyfooting around and dive in head first instead.

[usernamesarehard1]

I have the most insanely detailed and in depth stories in my head and I just want to WRITE THEM. But every time I try to I get too overwhelmed and can't think.

I can image them completely any other time, but as soon as I try to really make anything tangible out of them I get like anxiety brain freeze

I'm just getting so frustrated

[wanderingandfound]

Me, with a stack of [pre-ordered and library] books to read, multiple television shows I'm in the middle of, favorite fic authors I've somewhat abandoned and want to return to, and many podcasts I'm behind on and many more I have yet to start, completely sick and tired of audio input: Well, I guess I can listen to each segment one by one, episode by episode, of the 50-odd Zombies, Run! episodes I've played so far. That way when I finish the couch to 5k program in three weeks I will remember what's happening.

[liaisun]

ahhhh the ao3 authors curse im so sorry….. i know what u mean. but i hope the semester break is nice and congrats on grad school apps!! hope they go well :) excited for what u have to share regarding art and writing eventually………. patiently awaiting the next girls chapter and will wait forever ! also it’s so funny you said this ask got lost i just assumed u didn’t want any strangers prying and said My bad…… i Will respect that….. LMFAOOO but tumblr loves to just eat asks sometimes. anyway i hope you’re having a good night !

NOOOO I DONT MIND AT ALLLL u are so sweet 🥹 i saw the ask but at the time i was like, 'lemme respond when im not going thru it' LOL and then i forgor.... ADHDer? i hardly know her! but thank u so much :] i cant wait truly i have to stop myself from posting spoilers 24/7 because i wanna talk abt the girls so bad!!!!!!!!! agh!!!!!!!!!! as a treat please enjoy the kevi doodles ive done over the past few months (and the tattoo i edited over a few bc i keep forgetting it lol) (there's one spoilery pic) stay well dear anon!!! we r gonna thrive <3

kevi pajamas making andrew insane / keb / kevin dragging neil for his life lmfao / kevi halloween scene outfits (she is mortician addams) (no she's never seen the addams family) / kevin's eden's fit / secret kevin cuddling with ?? at the eden's lounge (traumatized neil exclusive)