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jackalsinthekitchen · 6 months ago

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pop report #7 (billboard hot 100, week of 5/18/24)

america is not bored (for a minute, anyway)

Sometimes America gets bored, and dilutes its own hit parade. Only mass disengagement – ideal in an election year – could let that sacred democratic space become occupied, sorry preoccupied, with ranking thirty-one new Taylor songs from least to most enervated. But last week’s chart reflected a striking exception, a national rubberneck. For Drake and Kendrick Lamar are, yes, quite conceivably the Mike Jack and Prince of their genre (a proposed big third has been reviewed and rejected), and no serious, high-profile hip-hop feud has yet graced the streaming era. The 5/18 Hot 100 reflects a sudden, vicious bloom of disses, each star ultimately having accused the other – with apparent sincerity – of something unforgivable. It was savage, yet it perversely brought out the best in both artists, and showed up the old-headline hits as trivialities.

Drake has no status as an innovator, though his preference for doleful singing over speaking has proven influential, helping blur the lines between popular genres. Moreover, he can but must not dance – ergo, not much of a Mike Jack. Yet his place is secure atop the album charts, no matter what he’s on about this time around, and he rivals fellow maybe-mercenary Swift for consolidating power over time. Kendrick’s prolificacy would earned him a verbal dressing-down from the spirit at Paisley Park, and his joie de vivre dwells at an opposite pole. But unlike the Dylan Nobel, that K-dot deserved his Pulitzer felt self-evident. As with Jackson and Nelson, the division of clout and cred feels clean until you stare longer – and also, the artsier one is much pricklier about being associated with the less artsy one closer to world domination.

Amid innumerable chronicles of the fracas are good articles; the beef isn't mine to condense. But the records remain the record. In a field of cherry-bomb epics, Lamar’s “Not Like Us” scorched the widest radius, and now it’s a #1 forever, just like “First Person Shooter”. After a breath of sweet soul comes that graveyard stab of strings, pilfered from a Monk Higgins cover of Ray Charles’ ominous lament “I Believe to My Soul” and sped the hell up. Lamar is hopped up on his own venom, every accusation a gouge; he means fucking business, and it’s the coldest of kills (“stab this way, stab that way”). It’s ruthless, but the smooth dexterity of his performance is riveting – whatever’s on the tip of his rapier, the music is still the point, which helps the unease go down easier.

After all, imagine what a dark landmark this would be if hip-hop’s most handsomely paid icon is, y’know, guilty of all that. “I think that Oakland show gon’ be your last stop,” Lamar spits, after raising (as opposed to prefabricating) the specter of Tupac, half of the most famous such feud – a bicoastal tempest that left two all-time luminaries dead. Without comparing each hypothetical loss to art, the threat of either principal failing to survive this spat has been too terrible to touch, the way the horrific inconvenience of a civil war maybe keeps it from manifesting in our violently polarized era. The level of discomfort this event has and could attain was built to compel morbid fascination. As Americans, we’re awfully accustomed to unimaginable outcomes – and what we move on from says strange things about our ways of processing.

But even when we can't, we often insist on stepping into a sweet denial chamber for a second. Sandwiched between two million-selling musical murders is “Million Dollar Baby”, the club-ready runaway smash from one of those sleepy-eyed white guys with a certain kind of facial hair. The now-aptly named Tommy Richman is from TikTok, and his robotic funk savvy reminds me of Peter Brown’s “Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me”, a one-man simulation of something Black that feels bloodless, but more than functional. The summer and its songs are now upon us, and one of them is that other musical murder: “Euphoria”, Kendrick’s first full-length shot across the bow. “You’re not a rap artist, you’re a scam artist” has waited behind a lot of lips since Drake’s ascendency, but nothing could sound as juicy as Kendrick just letting it slip over a dreamy Teddy Pendergrass sample. Then he erupts with molten contempt, trenchantly transforming a human mess into something profound.

“This conflict did not begin with an act of violence,” Michael Harriot reminds. “In a sense, [this] is really about Black excellence.” And although Lamar’s bars being brilliant is as foregone a conclusion as Drake’s next album going #1 – though any fallout remains to be seen – it remains the apparent responsibility of the Black musical icon to vault over established standards, to pull out every stop. No album has masterpieced harder than Cowboy Carter in a hot minute, and had it lassoed the entire top 10 like Swift’s album did, it would’ve resulted from a livelier, more rewarding mass listening project. Yet stats suggest Taylor’s unwieldy latest affair is winning the attention war – though it rarely gets more exciting than the dirgey “Fortnight”, a flagship single featuring Post Malone, the original sleepy-eyed white guy with a certain kind of facial hair.

Though the album gives up slow rewards (like “I wanna kill him”, it’s in stray lines that hit you sideways, as opposed to the inescapable hooks we rely on her for), I’m on Team Disappointed – and yeah, tTPD’s concurrence with Beyoncé’s ambitious and open-armed coup amplifies my chagrin. The theory that unprecedented validation has eroded TS’s humility and editorial sense is confused by how casual and canny Midnights was at once. Maybe after a tumultuous personal spell and a generous spectacle of a victory-lap tour, this functioning workaholic has earned a This One’s for Her. Yet the album’s overall efficacy as a sedative or a diary feels limited, especially comparing it to the sumptuous acoustic textures and painstaking craft of folklore. She’s not banal yet, but the watered-down EDM “Fortnight” revisits is beginning to wear thin.

Three places down from the archetypal club hit by the white kid is a folky country banger by Shaboozey, a Black performer, rather closer to Zach Bryan’s misty reveries than Morgan Wallen’s rap-smitten flexes. “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” stands as strong a chance of uniting and lighting up a crowded room as “Million Dollar Baby”, though the vibes are otherwise irreconcilable. Our country’s ever-unresolved racial dialogue can feel most productive, or at least most interesting, in the pop-musical realm, though it isn’t always easy to know what questions and answers the constant cross-pollinations are raising. Disheartening recent influx of male artists notwithstanding, the way the Blackest and whitest pop genres are talking to each other right now is politically exciting. It goes beyond softened borders, with Bey’s panoramic expansion of an old Ray Charles concept merely the most pointed, adventurous example. But masc vs. femme, Black vs. white, queer-coded vs. painfully straight, in the box vs. new under the sun, Champagne Papi vs. Kung Fu Kenny – our musical landscape is an ever-restless one, the central conundrums rarely under threat of resolution.

My point, such as I have one, is that if you slice off the top of the charts you always end up with an interesting double record, with even the most recent Swift swallow a more interesting double record. Cue up side 2 of whatever variant you chose of this round, and you get the casually buzzing hornet’s nest “Like That”, with Kendrick already sounding brutally peeved on his verse. The needle then hustles you into the petulant intro to Drake’s “Family Matters”, for which “Euphoria” already provided some context if you’ve been off the grid. Drake's track lands no point harder than how long this month has lasted.

Compare the normally sedate, reflective Kendrick’s palpable anger – you feel the threatening brush of the quills of his mind – to the normally sedate, unreflective Drake’s manufactured-sounding intensity. His sense of affront sounds weakened by his well-funded complacency – easy to project, like the idea that he farms out his verses. But rap is like jazz; the central instrument is too communicative to conceal much. For the former Degrassi MVP, anything like sharpness feels like an imitation. He sounds inconvenienced where his rival sounds murderous, a comprehensible tactic that as fits go earned worst-dressed on the skirmish’s fizzled-out conclusion(?), “The Heart Part 6”. “Matters” is a deft cut which admirably matches the mood-shifting “epic” vibe of “Euphoria” et al. But even with Drizzy stepping up, the contest was never exactly a close one.

The temptation down the rabbit-hole of whether Kendrick is a spousal abuser – a charge so hyped up in the drop, it has the feel of a secret a kid can’t keep in, rather than, like, a lie – isn't much match for the distracting allure of Sabrina Carpenter’s “Espresso”, the latest surefire trifle in a neo-neo-disco wave. Dance music hasn't sounded so percolation-for-percolation sumptuous as it does on this (or, say, the casually flawless “Dance the Night”) since Nile Rodgers was still [c]hic. The song’s unhesitant strut is the kind of thing you just bow down to, pure feelin-yourself momentum from a versatile new star whose identity appears as malleable as Chappell Roan’s is uncompromising. Its phrasemaking, its effervescence, its on-vacation give a fucks – the song is like “Flowers” in full flower, being single as a garden of delights earthly and otherwise.

This top ten is rounded out by a far more gentlemanly duel, for it’s the season of not just the sticks but the Growly Boys. The unabashedly dramatic “Beautiful Things” and “Lose Control” are how-tos for those interested in self-immolation, over a cause Macklemore will swiftly remind you isn’t the end of the world (love, or pussy I suppose. or both). Benson Boone and Teddy Swims sure do have diaphragms; not a dandruff-grain of irony sullies either’s heaving shoulders. Each song has a guaranteed valentine future: karaoke challenge, front-lawn boom box staple, so forth. And both, if you listen over and over (which, why), largely validate their own abundant sincerity. Both also serve to make the “take me to church” guy sound like a paragon of smoothness and restraint, on his new one, which lands like a less self-satisfied, slightly doomier Maroon 5 hit.

Other chapters in America’s bestselling beef (“meet the grahams”, “Push Ups”) fill out the top twenty – the album this feud forms is a great, if bitter and bewildering, one – dispelling a slow-moving cloud of flukes and superstars. SZA, always a lot more subtly exhilarating than people seem willing to concede, continues to gaze out over the waves she rode last year. Ariana finds her place in the moment by encouraging single-soul vulnerability, rather than trying to lead an army of discontents to liberation. Taylor simulates the instant standards she didn’t hold herself to writing this time, dragging herself to the gym and onstage, feeble but serviceable revisitations of “Anti-Hero” self-loathing and “Bejeweled” self-puffing. Jack is still in a post-nut haze, Noah is still wistfully welling up, and Zach and Kacey are still stuck somewhere between the present and past – reminding us just how hard this moment will hang on as it fades into whatever’s next, as moments do. Whatever we don't remember, someone will.

#kendrick lamar #drake #taylor swift #sabrina carpenter #shaboozey #tommy richman #benson boone #teddy swims #metro boomin #j. cole

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daughter-of-melpomene · 10 months ago

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I got some questions for your Tav’s based on the ask game! These ones are for your Tav Amalal! The questions are 3, 16, 18, 22, 23, 28, 30, 41, 47, 52, 57, 68, 69 and the bonus 70, my bonus questions is what are some headcanons for Astarion and Amala once they finally start a relationship together?

Ahhhhh, thank you so much for asking about my cleric baby!! Answers are under the cut! (And I’m also gonna tag the BG3 moots @astarionbae and @reyofluke-ocs. <3)

What is your character’s moral alignment?

He starts out the adventure as Neutral Good, absolutely dedicated to helping everyone they can and understanding the need for authority but not truly respecting any except for his goddess, and ends it having shifted into Chaotic Good - by the time everything is over, they’ve realized he will pretty much to anything to protect the innocent, even if it means breaking the law and killing those who would harm others.

Which of the companions does your Tav trust most?

Already answered this here!!

Who is your Tav’s biggest rival?

Any followers of Lolth, really, both because of how they were raised as a Seldarine-sworn drow and due to his being a cleric of Eilistrae, Lolth’s daughter. They will do almost anything to dim Lolth’s influence on the world, and keep any more drow from falling under her evil influence.

How does your Tav act around their crush?

Amalal doesn’t really have any experience with romantic attraction before he meets Astarion, so a lot of the phase of them having a crush on him is trying as hard as he can to repress these feelings, both because they’re less important than the mission the party is on and because they don’t think that someone as beautiful and smooth as Astarion could ever truly return his feelings. Most of the time during which they have a crush on Astarion involves him hardcore blushing whenever the vampire is around, simultaneously craving his touch and shying away whenever they actually get it, and stuttering hard whenever Astarion flirts with him.

What is your Tav’s favorite moment they’ve had with their lover?

I think Amalal’s favorite would be the conversation they have with Astarion after Cazador is defeated and Amalal has stopped Astarion from ascending. That moment was the kindest he’s ever heard Astarion talk about himself up to that point, and the fact that it contained a big speech in which Astarion confessed his true love and admiration for the cleric made it a whole hell of a lot better.

What is your Tav’s guilty pleasure?

Amalal has always insisted on keeping their body clean and unpolluted, the most perfect vessel for his goddess they can make it… mostly. However, he definitely enjoys a good glass of wine every now and again, and even a pint of ale if it’s being offered to them.

How does your Tav react when someone insults their friend/partner?

The thing about Amalal is that, generally, he’s completely okay with allowing the people they care about to defend themselves if he knows they’re capable of it; they don’t always want to be stepping in and playing the hero if he doesn’t need to. However, they also know that if an insult actually gets to Astarion, which they don’t always, his lover will just make a little quip or joke to try to hide his feelings and not actually make it clear that he’s been hurt, and Amalal will not stand for that. So whenever someone insults Astarion, Amalal will not hesitate to give the person who gave the insult a vigorous tongue-lashing, filled with extremely clever and hurtful insults disguised in their usual polite speech.

What animal best represents your Tav?

I think I would say a lion, or at least what a lot of people associate with lions: noble, proud, and a natural leader, but also not afraid to fight to the death if he or anyone in their circle is threatened.

What is the most important item your Tav has?

A long, polished wooden staff, gifted to him by an old woman from one of the first towns they ever helped out as a walking stick. It’s a symbol, to him of their dedication to helping people in service of his goddess, and so they keep it on him and all times and would absolutely hate to lose it (as well as using it as a weapon when the occasion calls for it).

What is your Tav’s worst fear?

Before the whole adventure, they would have said that his worst fear was all the rest of the Seldarine drows converting to Lolth’s cult and embracing her evil. But after the party’s whole journey, their absolute worst fear is now losing the little family he’s made, and especially Astarion.

What are your Tav’s biggest insecurities?

Due to being on the road and alone for a lot of the time for so long, Amalal was deprived of a lot of social interaction and can often be pretty awkward and naïve as a result, which they’re often pretty insecure about. Another insecurity is being so dedicated to his goddess and their faith, as much of the rest of the party either worships different deities or doesn’t believe in any at all and he often feels a bit awkward about being so openly devoted to Eilistrae, which in turn they then feel awful about.

How does your Tav get along with each party member?

Amalal mostly gets along with everyone; he’s the kind of person you can’t really help but get along with. There’s definitely some tension between them and Shadowheart and him and Lae’zel for a while, since they and Shadowheart serve very different goddesses and Lae’zel doesn’t think much of Amalal’s consistent dedication to always doing the right thing (even though his morals do get a bit less strict as the story goes on), but eventually even the two of them realize how kind and genuine and likeable Amalal actually is, and they manage to become friends. Amalal also gets along with Wyll especially, since they can bond over travelling around a lot to help people and they’re both very dedicated, upright people committed to helping others.

What are your Tav’s other hobbies?

Other than helping those in trouble and praying to their goddess every day, Amalal doesn’t really have a lot of hobbies before getting kidnapped and infected with the Mindflayer parasite. After the party’s adventure, however, he takes up drawing as a way to help their mind relax, even if they aren’t very good at it, and also asks Astarion to teach him how to sew.

Some headcanons for Amalal and Astarion’s relationship:

Amalal’s favorite place for Astarion to drink from on their body is from his wrist; there’s something so intimate about it to them that he doesn’t even feel when Astarion drinks from their neck.

Every single day when Amalal prays to his goddess, they make sure to thank Eilistrae for bringing Astarion into his life.

Astarion’s favorite way to cuddle Amalal is lying on their chest with his head tucked between his beloved’s neck and shoulder, soaking in his warmth. Amalal likes to gently tease that he turns into a cat whenever the two of them cuddle.

Even years after they’ve gotten together, Amalal will still ask Astarion’s permission before every kiss or loving touch they give him, unless it’s a sudden thing to push him out of danger and he doesn’t really have a choice - they never want him to feel like his choices are being taken away again.

bg3 tav questions!!

#asks about my ocs #oc: amalal quavein

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radgalaxyhottub · 2 years ago

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sokkastyles · 2 years ago

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I was asked to write a response to this post, and as always I ask that you please don't dogpile on the OP, I was merely asked for my opinion. This also isn't an invitation to hate on anyone's ships, but it kind of baffles me that in the face of any criticism, people who ship Mai and Zuko will outright deny the characters' respective arcs in order to make it work, despite their ship being canon.

First the OP claims that Zuko shown taking some enjoyment from living like royalty "debunks" what the episode is telling us, that Zuko is experiencing turmoil over his place back home, especially after experiencing life among the people of the Earth Kingdom and witnessing how other people have less, and how the world has suffered as a result of the Fire Nation's greed. Except that OP’s example is a screenshot of Zuko looking uncomfortable as he takes a hot towel, after initially hesitating, which also happens after he refuses the other comforts he is offered.

The hot towel is actually an oshibori, a Japanese symbol of hospitality that in America, is often associated with high class, as it is often offered on first class flights and luxury hotels and restaurants. The context here is clearly meant to show the Fire Nation excess, and that Zuko is unsure after being away for so long, and uncomfortable with being pampered especially after witnessing the horror the Fire Nation has caused in the rest of the world, leading up to his growing realization that he doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

Then we have the scene where he initially refuses the palanquin ride, and finally accepts, both because it would be awkward for him to protest too much, especially if he wants to fit in as prince, and also because yes, like any normal person, he does enjoy having people do things for him. Hence the little smile, the reassurance that it's okay for him to be pampered, which assuages some of the guilt he's been feeling since Ba Sing Se. He's the prince, he can tell himself, he deserves it. That's also why he takes the time to show off to his girlfriend a little a scene later by offering her anything she wants.

However, the message we are supposed to understand is still the same. Zuko is trying to convince himself that he should just accept being back as prince, but we know, and he knows, in his heart, that he should be listening to his guilty conscious.

I also find it baffling that OP says that this isn’t meant to show how Zuko has changed, but then also argues that Mai doesn’t know the extent of Zuko’s emotional turmoil. Which is true, but like, that’s the point OP seems to be missing, and the reason why people use this scene to point to the fact that Mai and Zuko fundamentally don’t understand each other.

She is not an Iroh - who can say exactly what he needs to hear or guide him on the right path. She is a teenage girl from another broken home who was never taught what love truly means. She was taught to restrain herself and her emotions. But when Zuko needs comfort the most - she provides it for him by attesting that despite all the things she doesn’t care for - she cares for him. She becomes emotionally vulnerable in front of Azula to comfort Zuko amidst his difficult times. And yes, In this example on The Beach - Zuko is shown to be comforted and cared for her by her words.

Like, of course she’s not Iroh. That’s the point. She’s not supposed to be. I’ve argued before that Mai’s narrative function is to be something of an anti-Iroh, because like Iroh, part of her narrative function is to give Zuko someone to bounce off of, so that he can voice what he’s thinking, to help the audience understand Zuko’s motivations. However, unlike Iroh, Mai’s main purpose is to keep Zuko tied to the Fire Nation, whereas Iroh encouraged him to seek redemption by looking elsewhere. She’s not supposed to guide Zuko down the right path, but serves rather as an obstacle he has to overcome in order to get back on it. That doesn’t exactly make for a healthy or lasting relationship.

The idea that Mai and Zuko’s relationship is good because Mai shows Zuko support by saying that she cares about him after he blames himself for his feelings in “The Beach” - including his earlier anger at her for being constantly apathetic while he’s hurting - doesn’t exactly scream healthy relationship or support, either. Rather than showing emotional support, she’s very deliberately choosing to support Zuko only when she doesn’t have to support him emotionally, when he internalizes his emotions instead of externalizing them.

Neither does, “I don’t care about anything but at least I care about you.” Like, that bar is so low it’s on the ground. Especially since everyone else around Zuko currently outright hates him.

Look at what Azula says right before. Mai knows that Zuko suffered constant and endless harassment and abuse from his sister and father. From the creators themselves:

“She’s known Zuko her whole life. She knows his life has been intense” - Bryan and Mike, The Beach Commentary

Funny how the creators have to word of god things because what they wrote doesn’t actually show what they wanted it to show. In actual canon, we have Mai telling Zuko that she “didn’t ask for his whole life story,” during their first scene as a couple after she hasn’t seen him for three years.

She’s known him his whole life...except for those three years between thirteen and sixteen, in which time he has grown from a child to a young adult and experienced drastic life changes. Changes which she said she didn’t want to hear about.

And, I mean, whatever, I try not the think the worst of things because people can ship what they want, and most of the problems with Mai and Zuko’s relationship happen because of poor writing choices, not outright abuse apologism, but I agree, let’s look at what Azula says. Let’s actually consider the ramifications of Mai, who had just broken up with Zuko, deciding that she cares about him and they’re back together now after Azula calls him pathetic. Once again Mai decides that she cares about Zuko and wants him back when he’s at a low point. At no point did she offer him emotional support when he was in turmoil. At no point does she dig into the root of why he is angry. Why would she? That would mean examining her own lifestyle and how it profits on the back of imperialism. But if Zuko is blaming himself for his anger - anger which really stems from the realization of how empty life in the Fire Nation really is, and his own guilt at being a part of it - then he’s not questioning any of that, and Azula has ended the argument by announcing that Zuko’s anger is pathetic and not worth examining. That also means Mai can get Zuko back without having to do any of the hard emotional or ethical work herself.

Yet shes the only one from his old life, other than Iroh, that shows unwavering and unconditional support to him. Like @thethiefandtheairbender said, “Mai gives Zuko a reason to love the home that spurned him.”

Actual photo of Iroh watching Mai and Zuko interact from his prison cell:

She’s the only one other than Iroh because she helped put Iroh in prison. You can argue about how loyal she is to Azula and whether she had a choice, but the fact of the matter is that the reason Iroh ain’t around, and Mai is the only one Zuko has to rely on, is because Iroh is in prison and Mai and Zuko would not have a relationship otherwise. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Zuko hadn’t chosen to side with Azula in Ba Sing Se. I can’t help but wonder if it’s ever crossed Zuko’s mind, as well, that if things had gone differently, he would have been in prison alongside Iroh instead of smooching Mai, and she would have helped to put him there. That’s like, so very much the opposite of unconditional support. It means that their relationship is conditional by necessity, by virtue of how it came about. All relationships are conditional anyway, which I will get to later, but THIS is very much not the type of condition that breeds a healthy relationship. What this is is actually the breeding ground for abuse and toxicity, but again, I’m going to assume the writers weren’t actually paying attention to any of that and didn’t intentionally write this relationship as the shit show that it is.

Also, on “Mai gives Zuko a reason to love the home that spurned him.” YES. That’s the PROBLEM. Mai’s function in the narrative is to keep Zuko in the Fire Nation long enough for him to get everything he ever wanted and then realize that this isn’t what he needs at all. That’s why, when he makes this realization, he also leaves Mai behind as well.

Yes, Zuko loves the Fire Nation, and a big part of his narrative is also becoming Fire Lord and redeeming his nation and reclaiming his homeland, but Mai explicitly in canon does not understand this part of Zuko, and refused to listen when he tries to explain it to her.

So back to the Nightmares and Daydreams episode. Mai’s immediate thought is to cheer Zuko up with something that gave him comfort five minutes before.

When that doesn’t work, we see Mai’s unemotional facade break down. She knows that this is something he has to figure out on his own. Her face shows pure empathy, that he must be going through something very troubling. But she doesn’t force him to stay with her. She gives him space to come to terms with his own emotions. She doesn’t stick by him or force him to cheer up after she sees her methods DIDNT work. She doesn’t get frustrated. She feels empathy for him.

And then antis claim that Mai bringing up the whole war meeting was a way to make light of Zuko’s trauma or that she didn’t want him to ruin their happy mood. Yet they conveniently forget that Mai waited outside for the entire duration of the war meeting for Zuko - and immediately asks him how it went - ensuring that things didn’t transpire the way it did at the last war meeting. For them, it’s impossible to see that what Mai said was a matter of true concern for Zuko’s safety. But her actions prove otherwise.

I actually have said that I thought Mai was concerned for Zuko’s safety, but that isn’t enough for me to consider that it’s a good relationship, because like, that’s the very least Mai can be. I do think that their conversation fundamentally shows that she doesn’t understand him, though. Nor do I think she really understands the very real danger he is in, otherwise she wouldn’t be happy when Zuko does go to the meeting, knowing what happened to him the last time he attended one. Because Zuko is not safe any time Ozai has access to him.

But going back to Mai bringing back up the idea of ordering servants around to cheer him up, let’s look at the transcript:

Mai: You know what will make you feel better? [Zuko turns his head slightly.] Ordering some servants around. I might be hungry for a whole tray of fruit tarts. And maybe a little palanquin ride around town. Double time.

She turns Zuko's face to look at her, but he quickly looks away, making Mai let go of him.

Rather than being cheered up, Zuko reacts negatively to her suggestion, and the reason why lies in the previous scene where fruit tarts and palanquin rides were referenced. Because Mai didn’t see and doesn’t understand Zuko’s discomfort with those excesses. She can’t. She only sees the face Zuko puts on because he’s trying to both impress her and assuage his own guilt. That’s why her attempt to cheer him up falls flat here.

And actually, we don’t see Mai give Zuko space or comfort him or show empathy. The scene cuts off there, and the next time we see Mai and Zuko, he is being told he actually is invited to the meeting, and Mai is happy for him. Note that nothing has changed. The danger hasn’t gone away, nor Zuko’s worries. Ozai has just arbitrarily decided that Zuko is now invited to the meeting, and acts like he always was, which is really Ozai playing mind games with his son and actually shows how dangerous and manipulative Ozai is. Zuko doesn’t pick up on this because he’s desperate for his father’s approval, but he will after the meeting. Mai doesn’t pick up on it because she doesn’t really know Zuko or his inner turmoil, nor does she really understand the depth of how evil the Fire Nation really is.

Mai listens to Zuko unwaveringly while he explains how during the meeting, he was the perfect fire nation prince but he wasn’t himself. She doesn’t cut him off out of boredom. She doesn’t shut down his emotions or tells him to feel a way he shouldn’t. After the Beach episode, she learns to listen to him - proving her character development. She’s engaged, she’s listening. She is once again - supporting Zuko throughout his emotional turmoil.

Once again, this is kind of a low bar to prove Mai’s “unwavering support” because the scene cuts off right after Zuko says he wasn’t himself during the meeting. We don’t see her reaction at all. We can, however, assume that whatever it was, it was enough to convince Zuko that he couldn’t confide in her in person about his realization that he needed to leave and join the Avatar and restore honor to the Fire Nation. Her reaction to him when she confronts him about this in “The Boiling Rock” further confirms this, as she refuses to listen when he tries to make her understand. So if we had been shown this conversation, I don’t think it would show Mai being supportive or understanding.

I will never understand the argument that Zuko’s relationship with Mai represents a regression because he wasn’t being himself when he was in the fire nation. Let’s get a couple of things straight. Zuko had to return to the fire nation to truly confirm for himself that he was making the right decision. But the fire nation will always be Zuko’s home. That is why he is coronated as the fire lord at the end. Throughout season 3, Mai experiences Zuko’s good, bad, and ugly. He never once put up a facade around her. She experienced everything - the emotional turmoil, the parts where he pretended to be the perfect prince, the part where he truly loved spending time with her.

Yet OP admitted earlier in the post that Mai DIDN’T know the side of Zuko that worked as a tea server in Ba Sing Se and saw firsthand the plight of the refugees. She didn’t know the part of Zuko that felt uncomfortable being waited on unnecessarily. She didn’t know the part of Zuko that sat in a war meeting and bravely defended the Earth Kingdom people because it was the right thing to do. She didn’t know because she didn’t ask for his life story. And she still doesn’t, by the end, either. She does not understand when Zuko tells her that he has to save his country. This is textually what happens in the show. There’s no argument here. It’s just wrong to say that Zuko didn’t put up a facade around Mai and that Mai always understood Zuko, because we can see that this is not what happens in the story.

the only thing she did was hold him accountable when he was acting like an ass.

How did she hold him accountable? By deciding that she cares about him after he internalizes his anger and the conversation is over? Did he apologize to her for his outburst at the party? Show that he wouldn’t do it again? Or did she just decide to get back together with him when it was convenient for her? This is not what accountability looks like.

Mai was there for Zuko when no one else from his old life was.

See what I said about Iroh doing the Ben Afleck thing from his prison cell.

And if their relationship was a regression - then why did the creators have Mai stand up against Azula and everything she knew her whole life - for Zuko and his mission? That argument would make sense if there was no episode called The Boiling Rock.

Why would Mai NEED to stand up to Azula when she was about to kill Zuko unless she had a realization that Zuko’s life and mission were more important than selfishly clinging to her relationship with him? That was the whole point of their encounters in that episode. Mai and Zuko’s relationship was SUPPOSED to be a regression, and Zuko chose to leave it behind, and that was what Mai had to realize. Further, the entire reason that Mai needed to stop Azula in the first place was because Mai put Zuko’s life in danger because she was mad that he broke up with her. The whole point was Mai redeeming herself by letting Zuko go, despite the fact that he was “the jerk who dumped [her].” It’s a pity that the writers didn’t stick to that, though, and instead had her go back to demanding that he be in a relationship with her in the end.

That Love isn’t conditional based on someone’s morality or redeemable actions.

I told you I would get back to this. It’s not even true that Mai loves Zuko unconditionally, as I said, but in any case, the concept of “unconditional love” should be thrown out when we’re talking about romantic relationships. Don’t get me wrong, the conditions under which Mai loves Zuko still aren’t healthy, but there are times when it is both healthy and necessary for love to be conditional. Morality and redeemable actions, as it happens, absolutely are two of those conditions that love depends on.

Like, what on earth even is this argument. If the person you love doesn’t have morals that align to yours and doesn’t have redeeming qualities in your eyes, then there’s nothing to base the relationship on, other than, say, a mutual hatred of the world and a vague sense that you don’t hate each other. Which does not make a healthy or lasting relationship, or even a romantic one.

#zuko #antimaiko #the discourse

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butterflydm · 2 years ago

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wot reread: knife of dreams (prologue - chap 11)

spoilers through knife of dreams

1. The opening quote “the sweetness of victory and the bitterness of defeat are alike a knife of dreams” reminds me of an earlier quote “the only thing sadder than a battle won is a battle lost”. It’s definitely a less annoying ‘omg why are you warning us that nothing will happen in this book’ quote than CoT’s was, tho pretty depressing. Still, I don’t dislike being reminded of the pointlessness of war tho.

2. Checking in with Galad! It’s been literal books. Galad notes that his and his companions’ new ranks were won by fighting the Seanchan but now the Whitecloaks have allied with them. Yeah, it’s a disease that’s going around the whole continent. Galad is going to confront the current heads of the Children of the Light on personal business. I really do think maybe Jordan should have made the Seanchan maybe SLIGHTLY LESS like the Shadow so that it doesn’t feel so much like everyone is losing by winning when they chose to ally with them. In order to defeat the Shadow, they are inviting slavery into their homes, and that is going to damage the next age so badly.

3. Galad calls for a Trial Beneath The Light (trial by combat) against Valda for the abuse (and also he believes the murder) of his mother, Morgase. He found out about what happened from Dain (who heard rumors) and Byer (who could confirm it). I really like this whole scene. It feels emotional and personal and yet because Galad is Galad, he is also making certain to do everything legally and ‘by the book’, so his personality holds true as well.

4. Trial by combat is such a silly way to decide if someone is guilty or innocent of a crime but Galad works with what he’s been given and he KNOWS that Valda is guilty as well as knowing that he himself is a great fighter, so I’m good in going with it. We all know Valda wouldn’t sit still for a real trial. As it is, Valda takes the moment that he and Galad have to talk quietly before the fight to taunt Galad about raping his mother and hoping to get to do it again in the future.

5. Galad learned the flame&void from Gareth and Henre (both people he trained with in Caemlyn, before he went to the White Tower, and embraces the void now. Ooo, yeah, the way he’s described feeling here DOES sound very similar to how Rand feels when he’s in the void and the extreme awareness around him that we kinda associate with channeling. I’ve decided I like the headcanon that Galad is a channeling learner. He IS Rand’s half-brother after all. Also like Rand, Galad is absolutely willing to sacrifice his own life to reach his goal.

6. “Valda’s death was not enough. Nothing except Morgase Trakand alive again could be enough.” Oh, sweetheart. This family, torn apart by the stresses of the winds of change as they have been, do love each other so much when push comes to shove and their backs are against the wall (and once Elayne had matured a bit to get over her resentment of Galad).

7. “Will you write releases for the Children who don’t want to help the Seanchan take our lands in the name of man dead more than a thousand years? What about the men who defended the Fortress of Light? Will any release get their chains struck off or make the Seanchan stop working them like animals?” You tell them, Galad! It is such a RELIEF to read someone saying this after Mat’s terrible storyline in CoT. Galad gets a gold star. Also, acknowledgement that it SUCKS under Seanchan rule even for people who aren’t female channelers!

8. We also get official acknowledgement here that the raven is the symbol of both the Shadow and the Seanchan Imperial family, and Galad and his companions use that in order to turn the Whitecloaks away from Aes Sedai hunting and towards the notion that they need to fight on the side of Light for the Last Battle. I have been waiting and waiting for SOMEONE in book to point out at least one of the Shadow/Seanchan similarities because they have been haunting me for BOOKS.

9. “He had to go. It was the right thing to do.” So we officially knock down the first of the standing figures of our ‘what do you do after you end up picking the crowd that would choose to hurt your loved ones?’ parallel (Galad, Gawyn, and Mat are our three contestants) - Galad goes for removing the head of the organization that would hurt the people he loves and subverting its previously evil/misguided purpose into a good purpose. Well done! A+ to Galad. Sadly, since our other two Evil/Misguided Organizations are headed by women and Jordan has a hard time killing women, I don’t think we’ll see Elaida and Tuon get dealt with the same way. Galad shows more genuine leadership in this one scene than Perrin has shown in all his books as “Lord of the Two Rivers”. And he’s nervous about the idea of being seen as a leader too but he doesn’t marry that with mentally insulting the people following him. He doesn’t think less of THEM for wanting to follow him, whereas it feels like Perrin is constantly judging the people who march under his banner.

(and now we have to see if Galad actually successfully follows through on his intentions here)

10. Okay, we are done gushing over Galad (perhaps excessive but, as I said, it’s just such a relief to be reading about characters who are still fighting back against the invasion of their homeland. but apologies to @markantonys - I know he is the Lesser Brother for you, lol). Moving on to Iturale! We can see if his efforts last book bore fruit. His plan was to ally with the Dragonsworn to keep the Seanchan out of Arad Doman. Haha he’s judging the lax discipline of whatever Seanchan commander is in charge of the town/armed camp that he’s spying on right now. This camp is basically a supply camp for the Seanchan expansion and his plan is to take it out. He draws out the main guards and the sul’dam/damane pair with a feinted attack and then takes them out with a ranged attack from a different direction. It is, again, such a relief to be reading about characters who are fighting back against the invasion of their home. And now that the guards are taken care of, he burns down the fucking supply camp for the Seanchan settlers. SUCH a relief to read about people fighting back against the slaver invasion. Cheers to Ituralde. Please continue to make Arad Doman a bulwark to hold against the Seanchan invasion. He has several more bands that are supposed to be conducting similar attacks across the Seanchan forces in Tarabon.

(I really do wish so much that we’d actually gotten to see MAT doing general’ing like this. Sticking Mat in Ebou Dar feels like we got robbed of so much potential plot that was actually related to the ‘power’ that Jordan gave him (the ancient memories that he literally almost DIED to get), just like Perrin keeps getting stuck in plots where wolves and dreaming are barely relevant. Why would you give characters neat magical powers and then barely have the characters USE their powers?)

11. Now we swap sides and are checking in with Suroth. Jordan finally notes openly again that Suroth is a Darkfriend, after coyly avoiding the subject for books (she was the Darkfriend working with Liandrin in TGH). She’s fretting over Tuon’s disappearance, the rebellion of the Atha’an Miere, and the disappearance of Renna and Seta. If Tuon is dead, Suroth knows that she will be horribly punished for it, even if it’s decided that she wasn’t responsible.

12. Liandrin killed Alwhin because Suroth mentioned off-hand that she was annoying to deal with. Suroth notes how easy it is to forget the presence of da’covale and think of yourself as alone when you’re ‘only’ in the presence of slaves, so she had not guarded her tongue around Liandrin properly. Suroth orders Liandrin to go and have herself beaten by one of her other slaves for the crimes of: delaying giving Suroth a message, calling herself “I” rather than “Liandrin”, daring to meet Suroth’s gaze, daring to question Suroth’s orders, and simply because it pleases Suroth to have her beaten. Amazing how Suroth is actually at her most distasteful when she’s being a Seanchan High Blood rather than when she’s being a Darkfriend.

13. Suroth & everyone else believes that Tylin was killed using the One Power, and Beslan is the new King of Altara. Suroth is annoyed that his servants only offer bows instead of deep prostration. The news that Liandrin had awakened her to receive from one of her generals is about Iturale’s attacks on the camps in Tarabon. 😘😘😘

14. SEVEN major supply camps have been overrun and burned and TWO DOZEN smaller supply camps as well. TWENTY supply caravans have been burned. SEVENTEEN outposts have been wiped out. ELEVEN patrols have vanished. And he’s expecting more reports to come in about others as well. Ituralde, you ANGEL. 😘😘😘😘 Every place was left with the same message by Ituralde’s people (who did their best to avoid civilian casualities) -- Leave Tarabon. 😘😘😘😘

15. We also learn here, off-hand, that there are seven thousand Whitecloak “deserters” - that’s Galad’s work, I bet! 😘 Suroth is in a rage and orders that Ituralde be hunted down by every available force. Honestly, if only Rand had known this was happening. Then HE could have pincered the Seanchan from the east while Ituralde was working from the north, instead of trying to make a truce with the slavers. Anyway, Suroth is considering enslaving all the ‘loyal’ Whitecloaks out of revenge for the desertion of the others. Because it’s so good under Seanchan rule! Suroth’s misery here brings me such joy.

16. Anyway, she now gets a visit from Semirhage. She asks Suroth if she’d like to be Empress. Because she’s Seanchan before she’s a Darkfriend, Suroth cringes at the idea of defying the ‘true’ Empress in such a way. Semirhage breaks the news that she messily murdered the Empress over in Seanchan. Suroth begins crying over the death of the Empress, which baffles Semirhage. Anyway, Semirhage corrects Suroth’s assumption that it was one of Tuon’s siblings that offed the Empress and lets her know that all the rest of the Imperial family is dead too, and half the Imperial Court. Tuon is now the only living member of the Imperial family. Fifty nobles are now contending for the throne and the Empire itself has fallen into pieces (like Artur Hawkwing’s did after he died).

17. It takes Suroth a little bit of time to get over the idea of anyone but a member of the Imperial family killing another member of the Imperial family but she eventually accepts the idea and agrees to kill Tuon so that she can become Empress herself.

18. We switch gears over to Pevara in the White Tower. Honestly every section in the prologue has been a banger so far (and every one better than Mat & Perrin’s storylines in CoT). Actually having characters who care about resisting slavery and the invasion of their home is invigorating. I think I’m going to be disappointed when we drop back into the ‘main’ plotlines, where collaboration is the name of the game lol.

19. We are in a meeting of the Red Ajah and they are talking about the fallout from Dumai’s Wells. The new Highest (they all believe Galina, previous Highest, is dead - which Pevara is relieved about, as Galina was one of the people that Talene knew was also Black Ajah) has received a message from Sashalle, one of Rand’s oathsworn sisters, though since she was one of the ones stilled, her oath to Rand isn’t backed up by the Oath against lying, who writes that she is in charge of most of the sisters in Cairhien. Sashalle blamed everything that happened at Dumai’s Wells firmly on Elaida and she also wrote of the visit of Logain and his Asha’man to the city and confirms that Logain has been Healed of being gentled. She also writes to let them know that she has been healed of being stilled and has sworn an oath to follow the Dragon Reborn until the Last Battle has been fought and, after that, she will submit herself to the White Tower once more. Due to everything they learned here, plus everything else that has happened recently (the huge burst of Power that they believe must have been the Forsaken), they receive permission to go forward with the plan to reach out to the Asha’man to bond them as Warders.

20. After that, Pevara meets with Yukiri on the Black Ajah Hunt business. They are currently feeling like they are at an impass. They were able to discover another Heart of Black Ajah, but the other members are all out of the Tower, possibly with the rebels and they don’t have any new leads. Basically, the Heart structure of the Black Ajah is working as designed to minimize exposure. They also learn from Seaine that what Elaida had ACTUALLY wanted them to hunt out was evidence that Alviarin was in communication with the Dragon Reborn, so their idea of going to the Amrylin Seat gets snuffed out. They can no longer trust that she is not Black Ajah herself.

21. We shift focus to Alviarin, She has learned that Talene disappeared (and thus will not be appearing before the Supreme Council) and suspects this must mean that Talene has been discovered or defected. She suspects Yukiri and Doesine as the ones who discovered the truth about Talene and orders them watched.

22. Ugh, Shaido subplot. Absolutely not. Anyway, Galina is captured by Gaul & Neald and brought to Perrin. He asks her to take a message to Faile and then has them drop her back off near the Shaido encampment. So here is something that I wonder - I wonder if part of the reasons that we got both CoT/KoD and all the main plots felt pointlessly extended out was because there was TOO MUCH PLOT in the two prologues to fit in one book, plus time needed to pass for the prologues. Of course, my solution would have been different from Jordan’s lol.

23. Checking in with Egwene! She’s still in the middle of being taken back to the White Tower, waking up in the carriage on the way there. Egwene notes the mutual hostility between the members of different Ajahs and the stench of garbage in the streets of Tar Valon. Even though Egwene is certain she’s on her way to be executed, she’s determined not to let her captors see her be vulnerable. ...apparently, the ‘defense lawyer’ (Chair of Pardon) for the accused in the trials sometimes faces the same penalty as the actual accused. That is... really fucking weird. I’m gonna blame that one on that Black Ajah.

24. When she is delivered to the White Tower, Egwene is surprised to see Nicola there and somehow does NOT leap to the same conclusion that I did, which is that Nicola is obviously the one who betrayed her. Egwene is told that she’ll be birched and she decides that she will do her best to face it like an Aiel and embrace the pain. Nicola apologises for running away and calls Egwene ‘Mother’ before she rushes off. We learn that Leane was also caught and managed to do half of the south harbor entrance, limiting the size of the ships that can get through, at least.

25. Egwene is told that she’s not going to be executed: she’s going to be a novice again. She tells the Mistress of Novices that she is Aes Sedai due to be Amrylin Seat and won’t deny what she is. The plan with Egwene is to leave her dosed mildly with forkroot during the day and shielded at night and lots and lots of corporal punishment. Before she leaves, she tries to warn them about her Dream about the Seanchan attacking the White Tower and says that Leane can back up her being a Dreamer. There’s something I really do want to poke at about the different ways prophecies get used in this series, but I’m going to let it simmer in my brain for a while, I think.

26. Egwene is taken to a novice room for the night. As she goes to sleep, she slips into the in-between world and waits for Siuan’s dreaming light to appear so that she can drop a warning into her dreams. Now that she knows that Elaida isn’t planning to kill her, she’s coming up with new plans on how to continue her work from inside the Tower. “She did not consider herself a prisoner either. She was carrying the battle into the heart of the Tower itself. If she had lips there, she would have smiled.”

27. Over in the rebel encampment, everyone currently thinks that Egwene is dead, because her boat was found overturned, but Siuan has woken up with renewed hope, because Egwene spoke to her in her dreams. Siuan goes first to Egwene’s oathsworn sisters to tell them that Egwene and Leane are alive and captive in the Tower. Sheriam votes that they Travel down to the cells in the Tower and rescue Egwene and Leane immediately but Siuan tells them that’s not what Egwene wants. Lelaine shows up and tells Siuan to talk to her; Siuan relates Egwene’s instructions and adds that Egwene says that they are going to have a meeting of the Hall in the Hall of Servants in TAR the next night, which Lelaine approves of and finds amusing. Lelaine also tells Siuan that if Egwene is killed or stilled by Elaida, then she wants Siuan and Egwene’s people’s aid in becoming the next Amrylin herself.

28. Beonin is worrying about the mystery of the sisters getting murdered by someone using saidin. We learn quite a bit about Beonin here in her internal narration and it’s all fairly interesting and fleshes her out -- she respects and trust her Warder, she has keepsakes of her (now deceased) grandmother and mother to remember them and what she learned from them, and she’s genuinely ANGRY that the Tower managed to miss so many potential channelers with its old policy, She is astonished and amazed at how many more women there were out in the world who COULD become Aes Sedai and never had the chance.

29. As Beonin heads out on her mission, she sees a ghost like other people having been seeing, and she names it the Dark One’s touch on the world. She puts an illusion on herself and hides her ability to channel -- she plans to go talk to Elaida, so she asks her Warder to trust her and wait in the city for her.

30. Elaida kidnapped the former King of Illian and he is very mad about it. She tells him that he should be grateful that she got him out when she did, because the Dragon Reborn now rules Illian. I do think it’s interesting how the Illian dialect seems to be very similar to the way that the Old Tongue is structured. She tells him that she plans to restore him to the throne in Illian (though her original plan was just kidnapping the actual King; she didn’t know that Rand was going to take the throne).

31. Elaida actually IS trying to figure out how to mend the Tower, but she’s often so busy seeing what she wants to see that she doesn’t see what is actually there. She trusts so few people and has such a short temper. The whole Egwene vs Elaida conflict kinda does feel like it mirrors Rand’s internal conflict against the taint and his PTSD, as I think I mentioned... at the start of CoT? Or maybe during my WH re-read? Can’t remember when exactly. But with Egwene standing in for his inner core of self and Elaida representing the damage that the taint & his PTSD have done to that core. The Tower is split, just as Rand is split.

32. Beonin arrives, and she is here to tell all of Salidar and Egwene’s secrets to Elaida. Beonin has been working for Elaida this entire time, deliberately sent to the rebels to sow discord and try to keep them occupied (so Elaida considers her a fairly big failure, considering their current situation). She tells them that Egwene can enter TAR in her sleep and told the rebels not to rescue her. She shows Elaida and Tarna the weave for Traveling and the one for Skimming. She also gives them the names of the ten sisters who were sent back to the Tower to spread the stories about Logain and the Red Ajah.

33. Ah, the first Forsaken meeting since their big failure at the cleansing, I think this is. Moridin has summoned them. We are in Aran’gar’s PoV. Already present: Semirhage, Demandred, Mesaana, Graendal. They are meeting up in TAR. There are eleven chairs present, which Aran’gar finds puzzling, since Asmodean and Sammael are both surely dead, from what she believes. The place in TAR where they are meeting is a memory of Ansaline Gardens, which was destroyed in the third year of the War of Power. Ah, we learn that Aran’gar has been actively spying on Egwene’s dreams. And Aran’gar was able to spy on the Hall of Servants meeting that Egwene had in TAR.

34. Moridin shows up, with Moghedien and ‘Cyndane’ at his heels in their red-and-black livery. Moridin says that Sammael appears to have resurfaced, giving orders to a hundred Fades to bring thousands Trollocs into the Ways. Moridin also tells them that al’Thor belongs to him and none of the rest of them are allowed to hurt him. During the conversation, Aran’gar figures out that Moridin has Moghedien and Cyndane mindtrapped. In contrast to Rand, Moridin tells them to find Perrin and Mat, who they are welcome to kill. It looks like he’s using the same images of them that were used back during the Darkfriend Social in TGH, because it mentions rough country clothes, which neither of them wear these days. Perrin is “tall and wide, with yellow eyes” and Mat is “not quite slender” with a “cheeky grin”. This is the first time these Forsaken have known what Perrin and Mat looked like, it seems, and Semirhage notes that if she’d known earlier, they might already be dead. Aran’gar, however, still plans to kill Rand.

35. When last we checked in with Perrin, he was planning to sell his soul to the Seanchan to work out a deal to save Faile. Let’s see how that’s going!

...soul selling confirmed! Okay, let’s move on to Faile!

36. Faile, who still has her soul, is working on her own plans. Honestly, if Faile’s storyline weren’t surrounded by so much trash, I would probably like it. She herself is definitely getting the chance to shine, being brave but also willing to be patient. Honestly, at this point in the story, Faile deserves so much better than being married to Perrin. Anyway, she is determined to escape before Perrin gets himself killed in an attempt to rescue her.

37. Our first Mat chapter, so let’s do a theme & slavery check-in!

Characters who were previously strongly anti-slavery in WH:

Mat, Setalle Anan, Juilin, Noal, Teslyn, Joline, Edesina, Thom, Beslan

Characters who inexplicably softened their anti-slavery stance in CoT:

Mat (knows sul’dam secret)

Setalle Anan

Noal

Anti-Slavery characters who haven’t changed their stance as far as we know:

Juilin (gold star for Juilin tbh)

Teslyn (knows sul’dam secret)

Joline

Edesina

Thom

Characters who are focused really only on their own personal freedom and not anyone else’s:

Seta & Bethamin (slaves if the Truth Were Known)

Domon (wants to be free to marry Egeanin)

Characters who show signs of growth and change:

Egeanin (knows sul’dam secret)

These characters remain strongly pro-slavery:

Tuon (knows sul’dam secret)

Slaves:

Selucia, and the horde of Seanchan that are out looking for Tuon

Themes that were set up in Winter’s Heart:

the secret of the sul’dam

questioning the empire

the heir to the empire being a dormant marath’damane

These were completely ignored in all of Mat’s chapters except his very last one, in favor of Mat navel-gazing about his marriage prophecy and Tuon reminding us at every possible moment that she’s a slaver and an asshole. Honestly, it kinda feels like that last chapter of Mat’s in CoT is the only one that should have existed at all, because that’s the only one that actually dealt with anything that was set up in Winter’s Heart. And maybe his reaction to the cleansing could have been in a quick cut-scene along with Perrin’s and Elayne & Aviendha’s.

Anyway, let’s see if Knife of Dreams can do any better than CoT with Mat. I know it has a reputation of being better than CoT but... I don’t remember liking it better, especially in Mat’s storyline. But we’ll see!

38. I’m no longer keeping track of plot points that undermine Winter’s Heart, because it feels like we’ve already completely changed the intended story and Mat’s characterization at this point, so there’s no reason to bother. CoT!Mat seemed somewhat weak and self-serving (though he was obviously still uncomfortable with slavery, at least, but a far cry from his visceral disgust in WH) and came across as willing to look the other way while Tuon does her evil deeds. I desperately miss pre-CoT!Mat. Egeanin, Juilin & Amathera, and the three Aes Sedai are really the only people I find worth caring about in Mat’s storyline anymore. Maybe Thom. Oh! Auldra! She’s worth caring about.

39. Nothing worthy of note happens in chapter six.

40. Chapter seven:

Egeanin is officially going by Leilwin Shipless, the name that Mean Girls (tm) Selucia and Tuon gave her last book to be assholes to her. I will call her Leilwin née Egeanin for now, I think.

God, I really hate CoT/KoD!Mat, who is now pretty much the most toxic male character in the series who isn’t an actual Darkfriend*. Which sucks. Only two books ago, he was one of my favorite characters. But almost any time CoT/KoD!Mat is in a scene with a female character, he’s being SUCH an asshole.

If I’m trying to maintain any kind of throughline between books 1-9!Mat and CoT/KoD!Mat, then I could speculate that he’s taking all his anger and frustration out on the Aes Sedai because he feels like he CAN’T take it out on Tuon, because he’s convinced himself that he is required to respect and trust Tuon as his future wife (no matter how little she deserves his respect or trust) or on any of the Seanchan characters, because they are under Tuon’s wing. But that still makes him a massive asshole, so. Yeah.

Anyway, Bethamin channeled and can’t deny it to herself anymore, so at least we are finally engaging with the themes that were brought up in Winter’s Heart. Teslyn just wants to let Bethamin die from channeling sickness and, tbh, can’t blame her for feeling that way. Bethamin was the sul’dam that was trying her hardest to break Teslyn back when she was a damane. Joline and Edesina insist that Bethamin must be taught so that she doesn’t die. Mat does think that this should put an end to worrying about the sul’dam trying to use the a’dam on the Aes Sedai.

I guess we also find out in this chapter that Rand is having sex with Min instead of doing anything useful like checking in on the Black Tower.

*okay, in fairness, he’s not as bad as Masema is or Valda was. But that’s a PRETTY LOW BAR.

41. Chapter eight:

Aludra has invented cannons (ish? fireworks ‘lofting tubes’ that can be aimed) that she has named ‘Dragons’ and even though Mat doesn’t show much spine when it comes to himself with Tuon, he does still understand that she’s the enemy, because when he tells Auldra that he knows the Dragon Reborn (grew up with him), he makes sure to tell her not to whisper a hint of it to the Seanchan. And Aludra is absolutely wanting to be aiming her Dragons at the Seanchan. I’m putting her on the list, on the side of the good guys. And Mat does make it clear that this point that his goal IS still to actually return to Rand’s armies and lands.

I really would have settled for Mat x Aludra. It never would have been a favorite pairing but it would have been so much better than Mat x Tuon.

Leilwin née Egeanin and Domon get married. This must mean she’s been able to work past the block in her mind that was still thinking of him as a slave, which indicates that some strong progress has been happening with her off-screen. Mat bafflingly assumes that Leilwin née Egeanin would take Domon’s last name when she married him. It’s so weird that this is an assumption by someone in the world of WoT; another of the subconscious influences from Jordan’s own RL culture, I suppose. Anyway, she didn’t.

Mat also does not betray to Tuon that he’s a friend of Rand’s when she tries to figure out if he knows the Dragon Reborn, so, again, he does still remember at this point that she’s the enemy. And Mat also realizes that (given what he knows about the political situation) he will probably have to fight Seanchan once he’s back with Rand and he doesn’t seem upset about it, so he hasn’t gone completely dark side on us. Mat also continues to be terrified that his own future wife will enslave him so. Yeah. Charming relationship. /sarcasm (Mat’s genuine worry and the fact that Tuon has the power to enslave people encapsulates why I cannot read any of Tuon’s threats as ‘flirting’; a slaver threatening to enslave someone is NOT flirting; someone who regularly abuses their power threatening to use their power against someone is NOT flirting)

42. chapter nine:

I do appreciate how much it feels like Leilwin née Egeanin is cutting her emotional ties with the Seanchan. I am glad that there actually was growth from the background characters in Mat’s storyline here, even if Tuon and Mat themselves are a waste of time.

Every passage that involves Tuon leaves me with that same gross “what a complete asshole” feeling that I always get from reading PoVs from Valda or from Darkfriends only she doesn’t even need to be a PoV character to make me feel like I’ve been coated in slime. Mat’s apologetics for her to do the trick. Honestly, marrying Mat off to Tuon really does feel like we married Egwene or Nynaeve off to Valda. It’s such a horrific fate.

Mat thinking of Tuon as “more beautiful than ever” during a moment when she is actively enslaving and torturing people is straight-up character assassination for our guy who used to be the person who cared the most about consent and freedom. Mat Cauthon is dead and it’s so depressing. At least he does go and bury the a’dam after this, but this chapter is a fucking horror show. It’s pretty much as disgusting as “Pink Ribbons” back in Winter’s Heart.

And Tuon does break her word to Mat here, no matter how she dances around it. But she’s a liar, a hypocrite, a torturer, and a slaver, so I’m not surprised by that. She also sounds desperate to believe that she can’t have anything in common with the animals that she looks down on. But, again, Jordan had his chance to actually do something with this storyline for her and chose not to, so Tuon will live and die a person who chooses to do evil things. Tuon says here that she can choose not to channel, just as she chooses not to steal or commit murder. She literally is in charge of an invasion force that is murdering countless people across the Westlands and also had two of her siblings assassinated back home iirc. She’s a thief, too, but it’s a spoiler what it is that she steals later on (I mean, apart from the countries and land that her people are stealing as well). But let it be known: she is a thief. She’s all three of the things that she claims here that she isn’t: she’s a murderer, a thief, and capable of channeling. Everything about Tuon’s storyline is so frustrating because she HAD the potential to be an interesting character in WH and the CoT&KoD just go “nope! she’s gonna be The Worst (TM) instead! and she’s gonna drag Mat down along with her!”

She’s also an incredibly whiny brat here, trying to win Mat’s sympathy over the ~mean ladies~ daring to try to ~talk~ to her and annoy her with their existence, acting just like the child that she keeps telling us that she isn’t, only a child with way too much power. Forget Mat; Olver is the character she should be betrothed to, based on how old she ACTS (she reminds me of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory tbh, only Veruca was, what, like thirteen years old, I think?).

The thing is, I would be fine with Tuon being The Worst (TM) and acting like a thirteen year old entitled brat if Mat (and other characters like Setalle Anan, etc) actually stayed in character and they reacted to her being a brat? But Mat's whole weird thing where he just actively has decided that Slavery Is No Longer Worth Caring About On A Moral Level when that was NOT how he was behaving in WH is just... it makes this entire storyline so bad and out of character. It feels like the narrative (not Mat but the narrative around Mat) just isn’t willing to be honest about what kind of character that Tuon is being written as, and that is so frustrating. Again, it’s the same thing where Tylin was CLEARLY a rapist and yet whenever she and Mat parted ways, all of a sudden the narrative rushed in to reassure us that ACTUALLY Mat likes her just fine and he’s gonna miss her bunches.

Mat finally does admit to himself that Selucia is a slave and not a ladies’ maid. It does not appear to change anything in his behavior.

43. chapter ten:

The fact that Mat continues to ‘court’ Tuon after the horror of chapter nine is... depressing. pre-CoT!Mat truly is dead and gone. I miss Mat so much. I miss him even more in his own chapters than during other people’s. Heterosexuality makes you evil, I guess, is the lesson I feel like we can take from CoT & KoD. (I’m joking. Mostly). Tuon threatens to invade Tar Valon and make it her capital (which would involve enslaving hundreds of women as damane) and he just goes, “oh gosh what a tough little woman.” ??? YOUR SISTER is planning to train as Aes Sedai and you are AWARE of this. TUON WOULD EAGERLY ENSLAVE YOUR SISTER AND FORCE HER TO KISS THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HER FEET. And there is not a single exaggeration in that sentence! You literally just watched Tuon collar people who are JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER and talk about them like they’re not people! You know this isn’t an idle threat on her part! She literally DID it last chapter! Ugh. Jordan screwed up Mat’s character so badly in these two books. Like again, maybe this is supposed to be Mat so deeply in denial that he can’t even access his brain but it’s just... it’s just bad. Again, where is our Shadow Rising energy? Why is Mat a limp dishtowel when it comes to all Tuon-related things?

Leilwin née Egeanin’s character arc is continuing in the background and SHE is growing and changing as a person. She talks to Amathera to try to convince her that she doesn’t need to lower her eyes to anyone and tries to make it clear that she doesn’t see her as escaped property anymore but a person. Very reasonably, Juilin doesn’t trust this change of heart and remains protective of Amathera, who has been through a lot of shit.

Mat re: Juilin - “He disliked any Seanchan, for what they had done to Amathera.” And if you had an ounce of the empathy that Juilin does, you would feel the same. You DID feel the same, back in Winter’s Heart. Fuck, I miss Mat.

*sigh* Leilwin née Egeanin is still punching Domon in the ribs.

Mat reads Moiraine’s letter to Thom and agrees to save her from the Finn. Olver has magic knowledge from Birgitte about the Tower of Ghenjei. How convenient that Birgitte told him all these details. Anyway, handwave ta’veren, etc. Mat does finally tell someone about his encounter with the foxes & snakes -- Thom, Noal, & Olver.

44. Nothing worthy of note happens in chapter eleven.

45. Of the themes that were set up in Winter’s Heart:

the secret of the sul’dam

questioning the empire

the heir to the empire being a dormant marath’damane

We actually do start dealing with some of these themes with Bethamin! Mat is (sadly? hilariously?) basically a side character to the actual meaningful plotline here rather than being an integral part, because he’s way too focused on navel-gazing about his marriage prophecy. But Bethamin, Seta, Joline, Edesina, and Teslyn appear to be having a very interesting plot that is unfortunately mostly happening off-screen, with Mat and Tuon occasionally getting in the way and making things harder for them. And Egeanin is also continuing to question the empire as well, being willing to marry Domon, an idea she had previously struggled with because he was technically her slave and she’s coming to terms with treating Amathera like a person and not a slave as well. And Auldra is doing a sideplot where she is actually helping Rand’s armies. They all have more interesting stories than our actual PoV character has in these chapters.

Honestly, I can envision a much better version of Knife of Dreams where this circus plotline doesn’t involve Mat and Tuon at all. We’d just have a subplot with minor characters of seeing these three Aes Sedai helping the sul’dam break through their conditioning. Would have been roughly 1000000000x better than the plotline that we actually got.

It’s just MIND-BOGGLING that the ONLY purpose that we’ve had for Tuon being marath’damane so far is it enabling her to further abuse and torment the Aes Sedai, because it means she’s able to torture them personally instead of ordering Seta to do it. Was this really the reason that Jordan made her marath’damane - so that she could be an even more hands-on abuser?

Tuon being an asshole (in 60 pages on-screen):

calls Mat ‘Toy’ x39

Has definitely regained every inch of being an asshole High Lady Who Will Be Empress Someday. Circus plotline was pointless. Might as well have had her stay in Ebou Dar and just bought Mat from Tylin as da’covale, honestly. Her character ‘arc’ would be about the same.

There are dozens of minor moments that I’m not listing, but she’s basically an asshole every time she opens her mouth. Mat lets her get away with anything, because he no longer owns a spine, I guess.

She tortures and attempts to enslave some of Mat’s traveling companions because they dare to try to have a conversation with her about wanting a treaty.

She threatens to invade Tar Valon and make it her capital city.

Mat is mentioned by:

Perrin x2

Mat thinks about:

Rand x13

Loial x3

unnecessary scenes:

Perrin’s pointless sidequest (shaido): 1 (15 pages), 1 (14 pages), 1 (16 pages)

Side Character Romantic Drama: 1 (2 pages)

Mat’s pointless sidequest (tuon): 1 (16 pages), 1 (10 pages), 1 (19 pages), 1 (14 pages), 1 (13 pages), 1 (25 pages)

#wot #wot reread #wheel of time #knife of dreams #wot book spoilers #wot spoilers #i miss mat so much #i hate this new mat #new mat sucks #mat cauthon #slaver empress tuon #seanchan warning #but the vast majority of this prologue is actually fantastic #the prologue has rights #perrin and mat don't have rights #faile can have A Right #egwene is great too #anyway i don't think anyone is surprised at this point by how deeply i dislike the seanchan empire #the wheel of time

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mitsuyaya · 3 years ago

Text

kitten, don't go outside || kenma kozume x gn! reader

☆༉ contains: 450+ words. timeskip kenma, angst (just a bit), fluff-ish, suggestive (just mentions of ya know), infidelity

☆༉ end note: HI @kirakirasaku 😭😭😭 please the song is stuck in my head and you came into mind sorry for the trash susbisbsis 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ brb gonna go burry myself. the song is: Hele (Huwag ka nang umalis) by because

☆༉ side note: Based on ate Ella's translation: Alam mo namang kaluguran da ka means ‘you know I like you’

ㅤㅤ sfw masterlist ㅤ drabbles/timestamps masterlist

The blistering cold seeps through the slightly opened window, even the freezing wind couldn't outweigh the heavy feeling residing in your chest. The situation isn't helping either, the man beside you, Kenma Kozume, is of no use either.

The marks from your earlier activity are still engraved in his skin, angry red scratches and crescent marks are still evident on his back and forearms, love marks scattered on his neck, the same could be said for you. Blue and purple shade of hickeys are blossoming around your chest, it never fails to make you realize that he really doesn't have any restraints when it comes to this.

It must be the cold breeze because of winter, or that wretched feeling, or a mix of both, you don't know, but that sinking feeling is horrible. You couldn't find it in yourself to get up and leave, not when the man beside you looks heavenly. Strands of hair covering his eyes, he looks like a cat, sleeping soundly. Without a care in the world, without having to worry about anything.

You envy him, how he could be at peace during this moment. While you sat on the bed, lost in thought, your conscience kept you awake.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

It seems you failed to realize that he's been awake the whole time, that he was simply resting his eyes. Just like you, he couldn't sleep, he never did have a normal sleeping schedule. It's normal for him to be awake, to be up at this hour but you– you're never awake at this hour.

He knows it, he saw you sleep peacefully at this hour, it's what he does every night. Watch you head to bed, twisting and turning, even pushing him and leaving him to sleep on the cold carpet. Nights where he spends just adoring you, confessing to you knowing you're asleep and wouldn't hear anything that he just said. He knows it, just like he knows that there's something bothering you and keeping you awake.

“This is wrong, I shouldn't be here”

You shouldn't, he shouldn't. You're both stuck here, in the dead of night, the raging snow storm outside– you shouldn't be here. He knows why, he knows all things, but he couldn't care less. All he wants is for you to be by his side, even if it's just for a bit of time, even just for one night, just after the snow storm passes.

“I should be back in my home, I shouldn't be seen with you, I should be with him”

He knows who you meant, him, that guy you married for the sake of your parents. Him, who dares steal you from Kenma. Him, who looks so smug, who took you away and made your life miserable. The guy who couldn't care less about his spouse, never bothering to go home at night, never letting you associate with any men except himself. That man is a prick. You know, he knows.

Kenma knows where you truly belong. It should've been him.

“I should go, thanks for letting me stay” you stood up from the bed, not bothering to look at him, because you know when you look at those eyes, you can't leave him. You couldn't, and it's all wrong.

Gathering your clothes that are sprawled on the floor, you were pulled back, colliding with his chest. It's happening again.

“Kitten, don't go outside. Don't leave me, I can't- he's not worth it please stay with me”

'Wag nang umalis, 'wag nang lumabas

Hayaan mo na lang sila na maghanap

The heavy burden you're feeling is once again resurfacing, it's not guilt, it's pity. You know you should be feeling guilty for doing this, for being with Kenma, but you couldn't– maybe it's because you think that he deserves it, or you really love Kenma that you couldn't find it in yourself to care about that guy.

“I can't, he's my husband, I'm his spouse”

It's pity, pity that you need to leave him like this. That like any other night, you'd leave him after what you both did, after you enjoyed all the attention you got from him. It's pity, that after all this time you couldn't tell him you love him, that during the day, that your head is clear and isn't filled with lust, you couldn't tell him the words ‘I love you.’

“Stay with me, run away with me, I don't care just don't leave”

He keeps you in his tight embrace, nuzzling his face into your neck. It's a silent plea, hoping that you'll stay, that unlike the other nights where you have to leave, this time you'll stay, that hopefully you won't have to leave him again– that this time you'll stay with

Oh ipikit ang mga mata

Ang isipin ay 'wag iinda muna

Kenma wishes for you to stay this way, for you to be in his arms. To pretend that this is permanent, that you won't have to go back to him. That it's him you truly belong to.

It's wrong. “I won't leave, I'll stay here but I can't stay here forever hm” It's wrong, but as of now, you don't care. He comes first, the rest is up to fate to decide. You love him, more than anything and even if you couldn't tell him those words exactly, you know he understands it.

“Hey kitten… alam mo namang kaluguran da ka, so I'll do anything for you, I promise”

Sa sandali, iyong damdamin ang

Pag-ibig ko sa 'yo

Eto ang pangako ko sa 'yo

“I know Kenma”

Even if you couldn't say those words out of fear, fear of not giving the same love he gives to you. You know in time, after this obstacle, you'll be able to stay with him forever, and you'd finally have the courage to tell him those words.

You leaned into his touch, engulfing you in his warm embrace– soon, this will be forever.

“But did I say it right y/n?”

“Yes you did”

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raggaraddy · 3 years ago

Note

Can you Taehyungs version of reader being shot cause of them?

I really like your Jimin and Namjoon Version that you’ve written🥰

Request from @dramaclub-thin: Mafia BTS where the reader is shot for/because of them.

A/N: It is so much longer than I meant for it to be. Hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading.

If anyone else wants to request, you can here.

Mafia Bangtan other parts:

Namjoon

Yoongi

Jimin

Jungkook

---------

Deception.

Summary: When you agreed to help Bangtan take down one of their enemies, you never imagined it could go so wrong.

Trigger warning: Smut, violence, blood, murder.

Taehyung

Mafia! Taehyung

"Are you ready?" Namjoon asks, shutting off the car's engine and turning around in his seat.

"Yeah," you nod back, hoping the rocking pit of nerves in your stomach isn't visible on your face. Scanning back and forth between him in the front and Jin sat beside you, you're checking to see if they are showing any signs of worry either. Finding a bit of solace in their surety.

"We're gonna lag behind about 20 minutes to be cautious and stay out of sight. But we'll be close. Just do everything like we said, and you'll be fine." Namjoon summarizes once again. Jin offering you a kind, reassuring smile to accompany the leader's words.

You nod again, sucking your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Running your fingers through your hair to fluff it for the 30th time. Hyperfixated on the time, you see the dashboard clock tick over. 20:21.

"Okay, let's go." You exhale deeply.

It was three weeks ago that Namjoon came to you with a problem that Bangtan was facing. Their weapons dealer was forcefully put out of business, which was Namjoons gentle way of saying he was killed, cutting off their supply to automatics and other bigger guns. Leaving them vulnerable. The man who took over their previous partners supply was known to be working with some of the other, smaller local crews. It was also known that he was a rival of Namjoon's and due to this tension refused to work with Bangtan. Normally, a problem like this would be something that they could handle. However, as Namjoon explained it, this guy was backed and protected by foreign money and was too hot to touch without starting a bloody war.

So the plan was simple. Risky, but simple. The supplier had to die. And it needed to appear to be from natural causes, so it could never fall back on Bangtan. No one directly affiliated could be involved. That meant none of the members could risk doing it. It also meant that it was too high a priority to trust an associate or hired gun with this information. Not with the reach and money the opposition had. No, it had to be someone within the family that could handle this, but someone the supplier would never know.

Opportunely, the supplier was known to have a weakness for women, hence the logical conclusion for Namjoon was one of the member's girls. Trustworthy enough not to turn or rat, not likely to be noticed among the myriad of other women, and except a few of them, all had no record linking them to Bangtan, so they would be complete unknowns.

Jin said it, but you already knew it. Out of all of the girls, you were the one who was the most capable. Your difficult past left you with many emotional scars but made you the best person to handle the responsibility. You're not susceptible to intimidation. Have very few moral hangups. And most importantly Namjoon knows how much you love Taehyung. How you would do anything for him. To keep him safe and happy. He knows he can trust you, and that when the time comes, you wouldn't hesitate to do what they needed you to.

As for you, you knew that Taehyung trusted Namjoon irrefutably and you had seen countless times that he was a good leader. Furthermore, you could appreciate the gravity of the situation. Because you're sure that if Bangtan's brain had any other choice, he would not have asked for your help. But since he had, you were going to do what was necessary to keep your family and Taehyung safe.

The problem was that Namjoon had insisted on secrecy. The only ones to know about his plan were you, him, and Jin. A few years ago, sure, lying would not have been a problem for you, you hardly ever told the truth to anyone. But this changed when you met Taehyung. He was the first person you could be honest with, the first person you ever let love you. And lying to him was something you were genuinely struggling with.

However, you knew Namjoon and Jin were right. There was no way Tae would have been okay with you being put in harm's way and he wouldn't be able to separate his feelings from the urgency of the task.

Although, that justification doesn't make you feel less guilty for deceiving him. And to make matters worse, you expected this to be over with last week already. But on your first date with the supplier, he had left the club early to deal with work suddenly. Giving you no time to spike his drink.

So here you were, attempt number two.

While you were meant to meet the supplier at a fancy restaurant first, Namjoon's plan was to skip that and get to his house as quickly as possible. Before the valet could open the supplier's car door, you leant through the open window, teasingly licking your lips. "I just realized," you purr, noting his eyes drop to your mouth and back. "I'm actually not that hungry. So how about we skip to the end of the night, and then you can take me out for breakfast tomorrow morning."

Your blatant offer works like a charm. 20 minutes and a car ride later, he's pulling you down onto his couch. Hardly able to keep his hands or lips off of you.

Tearing at your blouse he rips the buttons apart, his mouth sucking and licking at your neck. One of his hands roaming and grabbing at anything he can, while the other starts to hike up your pencil skirt. He removes his vest and buttoned shirt, not once parting his lips from yours. His large, hard chest muscles pressing against you as he pins you in between his arms and the couch. Spreading your legs apart, he grinds his crotch into your core and you can feel what effect this is having on him. And you have to admit, despite your mind being focused elsewhere, physically it's having the same kind of arousing results on you.

But this isn't what's supposed to happen. He's moving too fast and it's quickly getting away from you. You only want to get him comfortable and distracted enough that he completely lets his guard down. You're trying to poison him, not fuck him.

Pushing his chest lightly, you spring upright. Slightly out of breath you pull your hair over your shoulder covering up a little and running your fingers through it, trying to regain some composure.

"I could use a drink." You pant, batting your eyes up at him.

"Sounds good." He nods, his gaze dark and ravenous. Suddenly haulting he leans back down to kiss you. His hands gripping your hips as he kisses you back into the sofa. Abruptly leaving you flat on the couch with flushed cheeks.

This is better. One or two drinks from now, you should be able to slip him the ricin. He drinks it, you fake a headache, and skip home. 24 hours from now he has a heart attack and dies from natural causes. Nothing tied to you. Nothing connected to Bangtan.

"I hope you like-" The supplier calls out, only to be interrupted by a grating smack at the front of the house. You startle upright, sitting alert watching the hall entrance. He comes from the other side, coming back from the kitchen, a curious look on his face. Both of you staring at the same doorway as Taehyung suddenly comes in.

Fuck.

Your eyes go wide, half not able to believe he is actually here. He wasn't supposed to be! Namjoon had arranged for Jimin to take him out tonight. And you had told him you were going to meet some of the other girls.

The thing you didn't know; a week ago when you met the supplier at the club, you had also said you were out with a few girls, including Jimin's girlfriend. But she was with Jimin at that time. And Jimin was with Taehyung. And she knew nothing about any plans to go out.

So when you said there was a movie night tonight, he asked around and found out that was also a lie. He wanted to trust you. To trust that it wouldn't be as bad as his worst fear. Still, the more he thought over how you lied to him, the more he worked himself up, getting himself into a paranoid and anxious state. Until he found himself tracking your phone, following you to an unknown house.

Seeing you half undressed and with someone he considers an enemy, his anger and jealously turns to pure rage. It only taking a second for the scene in front of him to confirm his worst suspicions.

Unleashing his gun he shoots wildly at the supplier. Reason slipping from him completely.

Barley able to avoid being hit, the supplier dives behind one of the sofa chairs. Nearly being riddled with the showering of bullets.

Wrapping your hands over your head, you cover your ears from the explosive sounds. Still firing, and keeping the supplier pinned, Taehyung storms at you.

"Tae-" you start. The gun empties, but Taehyung couldn't care less, tossing it aside. All of his attention focused on you.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He growls through gritted teeth. His hand flying down smacking your cheek, slapping you back into the sofa. "How could you do this to me?!" He screams, his voice wavering from the emotion in his question.

"I can explain," You ignore the burn on your cheek, running your hands along your body, trying your best to cover and redress yourself. You never wanted him to see you like this, and the look of betrayal in his eyes is stinging your heart more than any slap could. "I-," you begin with no next word coming. There's nothing you can tell him. Not while the supplier is right here.

Taehyung's anger aside, you're terrified to think what him being here means. Namjoon's plan is completely derailed. And Taehyung attacked the supplier, creating an entirely new problem. You're not the smart one. You have no idea what to do or how to fix this.

Where the hell are Jin and Namjoon?

Taehyung is so fixated on you that he doesn't see the other man charging from the side.

"Look out!" You scream. Only it's a second too slow. Taehyung doesn't have time to react and the supplier swings a ceramic table ornament at his head. The shattered fragments raining over you, as your boyfriend is knocked to the ground. The shoe of the imposing man booting into Taehyung's torso.

You dive towards them, driving your body weight into the supplier to separate the two men. Pushing him away as his heel scarcely misses Taehyung's face.

He stumbles back a few steps and straightens up, nodding and pursing his lips with a look of revelation. Seeing you spring to Taehyungs defence revealed much more than you had intended.

While you're attempting to help Tae upright, he quickly shirks you off and lunges at the other man diving through him and dragging him to the floor. Fighting for dominance and survival, the two men break into a brutal fight trading blow after blow as they struggle to overpower the other.

While you're relieved to see that Taehyung is the more skilled of the two, and mostly has the upper hand, you're mainly sick with worry. The ramifications of this will play out beyond this simple fistfight.

All you can do is get Tae out of here for now, and hope that the supplier hasn't realised that this was an attempt to kill him. Maybe if you're really lucky he will only think of it at face value. A cheating girlfriend and her jealous boyfriend.

"Tae," you grab his arm, dragging him back with resistance. "We have to get out of here. Please,"

He drops the supplier's collar, who falls back limply. Turning to you he has blood pouring down his face from a cut on his cheek. Intensifying the cold look in his eye.

"We? What we? Don't you wanna stay here with this piece of shit." He snarls, standing up.

"I can explain after." You tug him again. He can hate you all he likes later. But first, you have to get out of here. "Please," you beg for his agreement.

Staring harshly, he retreats from you. A pained look in his eye that cuts you more than any blade could. Anger, hate, rage. You could handle all of it. But there's so much hurt and sadness on his face. It's nothing you ever wanted to be responsible for. It's more than you can bear.

"Tae," you hold your hand outreached, gingerly approaching him. He doesn't withdraw further, allowing you to rest your hand on his cheek. Your heart breaking further as he leans into your touch. Resting in your palm for comfort like an injured puppy. "I promise, baby, this isn't what it looks like." you coo, "I love you so much,"

His eyes close, his face scrunching in anguish. He wants to believe you so badly. To forget everything he has seen. To take you home and never let you go. He may be the first person you let love you, but for him, you are the only person he ever let himself love.

Turning, you use his softening demeanour to lead him towards the door. But the supplier pulls your attention. Neither of you were paying him any mind and standing in the corner of the room he's pulled his own gun from hiding.

Reacting without a thought you shove your back into Taehyung, covering him. Guarding him.

At the same time, a shot rings out and the bullet hits you. A painful, sharp sensation piercing through your torso that makes you stumble back. Losing your footing you fall into Taehyung, your body never hitting the ground. Taehyung catching your weight, lowering with you. Resting you on his legs.

Taehyung grimaces in pain, his hand wrapping his own side momentarily. The bullet went clean through you and cut his side before flying into the wall behind the both of you. Dismissing his own injury, he leans over your body, ripping off his shirt and pressing it and his palms into your entrance wound. Trying to slow the bleeding.

Looking up at Taehyung with tear-filled eyes, you're in shock. Every breath you take is sore but other than that, your body is numb. Your hands clinging to his, all you can think is that you wished you knew what to say or do to lessen his panic. The sweat on his forehead rolls into the cut on his cheek causing the blood to drip further down his neck and chest. The fear and worry in his eyes exposing what you can't see or feel. That you're losing a lot of blood.

The supplier comes over the top of you both. He presses the barrel of the gun into the back of Taehyungs head, forcing him to crouch lower over you.

"I was searching for a reason to annihilate Namjoon and his pathetic crew. Thank you for giving me one." He digs the gun down harder. Taehyung growls, baring his teeth in frustration. "Too bad we didn't get to finish what we started though, Y/n. Oh well." He smirks, cocking the gun for additional effect.

"I love you," Taehyung whispers, the finality in his voice breaking your restraint, tears gushing down your face.

"I-," you can only begin.

Another blast rings out that makes both you and Taehyung jump. The supplier's body goes heavy and plummets to the ground, smashing through the glass coffee table beside you. Glass shatters everywhere as he falls down dead, blood pouring out of his head, collecting into a pool.

"Fuck sakes." Namjoon sighs from the living room entrance. Standing with Jin, both looking over the destruction with disbelief.

"Hyung," Taehyung calls out, his voice raspy and on the verge of tears. "Help." He looks down at you, your face pale, your limps drooping as the blood loss is starting to make you dizzy.

Namjoon opens his mouth readying to scold his brother, but he quickly stops himself. His own faults glaringly obvious at this moment. Jin removes his belt, wrapping it around your waist he fixes it tightly, making you whine in pain, keeping Taehyungs shirt pressed to both sides of your wound.

"Can you carry her?" Jin asks his younger brother.

Namjoon passes all of you, walking toward the lifeless body of his enemy, shooting another round into the back of his head with a frustrated look in his eye.

Taehyung nods at Jin with wide, panicked eyes.

"Then bring her." Namjoon turns with a flick of his head gesturing to follow him.

Jin supports Taehyung as he struggles to get himself and you to a standing position. Finding more strength once he is upright, lifting you into his arms as you whimper and moan weakly.

"Taehyung-" you start, your words sounding breathless and weak. "I'm sorry," you whisper.

"Shh baby." He hushes you. "Don't worry about that now."

He gets you into Namjoons truck, laying you down the length of the seat. As Namjoon speeds to the hospital, Taehyung sits in the back, his legs under your head. Holding firm against your bullet wound while petting your head.

Jin takes Tae's keys and follows you in his car. Already calling a cleanup crew to get rid of the supplier's body. Trying to salvage what he can of the bad situation.

"Namjoon," you call out. Even as your mind is starting to slip into unconsciousness your worry over the family is consuming your focus. "the plan. Can you fix the-" you breathe heavily running out of air.

He looks over his shoulder, guilt overtaking his expression. Nodding with an affirming grunt.

"Plan? What plan?" Taehyung muses, the shock steadily drifting away. "What is she talking about, Hyung?" One look at the blame on Namjoon's face and it clicks into place. "What did you do?"

"It wasn't supposed to happen like this." Namjoon reasons.

"Are you kidding me? You organized this?!" He snaps, "How the fuck could you risk her like that?!"

"It was supposed to be easy. She wasn't meant to get hurt-"

"Well, clearly she did!" Taehyung roars, his hands bunching into fists.

"I'm sorry, Tae. I wanted to help." You whine, lifting your arm up to touch his chest, trying to soothe him in any way.

"It's okay, baby. I know you did." He coos kissing your forehead, Taehyung's rage immediately subsiding towards you. He takes your blood-drenched hands in his and kisses them lovingly. Kissing down your forearms, pressing your hands to his head in agony and want to have you closer. Wishing he could absorb your pain and suffering.

Returning his wrath to the leader his voice lowers, coming out like ice. "We're gonna talk about this once she's okay." He snarls, "And know, I hold you personally responsible for every second she's in pain."

Looking in the rearview mirror, Namjoon nods solemnly. "Yeah, I do too."

Luckily for you, you recover quickly, and no permanent physical damage was done. But the damage that was done to Namjoon and Taehyungs relationship, the repercussions caused for Bangtan, and the fall out from the supplier's death... well that's another story entirely.

#bts #yandere bts #bts fanfic #yandere #bangtan #yandere bangtan #yandere taehyung #bts reactions #mafia bts #mafia bangtan #bangtan mafia #mafia taehyung #mafia namjoon #mafia jin #bts smut #bts smut reactions #kim taehyung #kim namjoon #kim seokjin

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sondepoch · 3 years ago

Text

Breaking (4/5)

Breaking the Collar

Nine months in the human trafficking circuit has destroyed every sense of normality you ever knew. For you, it's commonplace to be ordered on your knees for your owner, his clients, anyone else Childe deems necessary—and you've reached a point where you accept it this misery, just going along with the motions of life because there's nothing else to do.

Diluc and Kaeya change that.

They enter your life on a regular workday afternoon, stepping inside Childe's massive office under the pretense of sorting out a business deal, but a single hastily written message makes it clear that they're not here to hurt you: they're here to help you.

The only issue is that you have no idea how to escape Childe.

MASTERLIST

Childe is broken.

That’s the only way to explain it, really.

Something in him seemed to change after his meeting with Diluc and Kaeya. The lazy smiles, playful grins, and rugged charms that Childe used to project as naturally as light off the sun have evaporated into thin air, leaving nothing but a shell of a man you once thought to be so powerful.

“Ajax,” you whisper, calling his name to wake him up. All he really needs to do is open his eyes. You know that he’s already awake, long used to how rhythmic the rise and fall of his chest is from months of sleeping by his side, but the redhead ignores you, pressing his head deeper into the crook of your neck.

“Ajax,” you repeat, frustration beginning to drip into your tone. “Ajax, you have to wake up.”

Except that he doesn’t actually have to.

The man received an onslaught of calls the day after his meeting with Diluc and Kaeya, all of which he answered with varying degrees of frustration, but ever since then, his phone has been radio silent. Where Childe used to be out of bed every day by eleven and in his office by twelve to attend to his meetings, he’s now done nothing but stay in bed all day—and the worst part is that no one seems to care, his phone completely silent save for the daily calls he’s been avoiding from Scaramouche.

Where a few days ago, you were annoyed with the fact that he forced you to do nothing with him for hours on end, not even fucking you at night the way he always used to, now, you’ve begun to grow concerned.

“Ajax, get up.”

You try to pull his head off your shoulder in hopes that you can force him to at least look you in the eye, but the way he instantly stiffens and burrows deeper into your shoulder is proof enough that he’s not going anywhere.

You sigh.

This marks the third day where he’s refused to even brush his teeth in the morning, the fourth where he’s refused to speak. If your life were anything normal, you’d have forced him up long ago—but you’re hardly in a position to pretend you have any authority over him. It’s clear that he knows that, too.

“Ajax, I really need you to get up...”

—which is a true statement, surprisingly.

The plan you’d developed to initiate your escape, perfected over the car ride back from Childe’s meeting with Diluc and Kaeya, was simple: snag a knife from the kitchen in Childe’s apartment, sneak into his office, use said knife to tear open the briefcase you know must have your documents inside of it, and then start running to the hotel Diluc and Kaeya said they’d be in.

You spent hours perfecting this: figuring out where Childe would be most likely to store the kitchen knives, what time of day will be best for sneaking out, and even what clothing you’ll wear when running away, since you can’t exactly run through the streets of Snezhnaya in your usual birthday suit, and for once, it seemed like the stars had actually aligned for you.

Unfortunately, when you developed your plan, you hadn’t accounted for Childe’s sudden change in behavior.

“Ajax, please…”

But the man barely even shifts in response.

Hours later, after you’ve long given up on waking him and have instead decided to join him in his slumber, you both wake up together to a voice much louder than either of yours.

“What the fuck,” Childe groans, throat hoarse from not speaking for days on end, “is that sound.”

In your opinion, it’s pretty clear what that sound is: Scaramouche’s aggressively loud shouts of “Open the fuck up!” and “Stop dodging my calls!” and “Get out of bed, asshat!” accompanied by a nonstop banging that makes you grateful no one else lives on this floor doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

Instead, all you say is a quiet ”I think that’s Scaramouche.”

Childe withdraws his head from your neck with a mocking glare as the intensity of Scaramouche’s banging increases.

“I’m coming in, dickweed!” the man shouts from many rooms over, and that’s the only warning you and Childe get before you hear what has to be the sound of a door being kicked in.

“Did he just…”

Childe stares at you in shock.

A small smile flits onto your face, grateful that someone has finally come to snap Childe back to his senses.

Scaramouche doesn’t bother quieting his footsteps as he stomps towards the master bedroom. He throws the door open with such force that you almost fear it'll rebound straight back into his face, but Scaramouche is across the room with his hands around Childe’s neck so fast that you’ve barely blinked before your owner’s head is being bashed against the bedframe.

“What the fuck,” Scaramouche snarls. “Made you think it was a good idea to tell anyone that you were the one who lost Lumine.”

“I didn’t—”

Your owner’s voice is cut off when Scaramouche grips Childe’s neck and wordlessly threatens to hurt him again.

“Do you know how many problems this will cause? No one wants to work with you anymore, Tartaglia.”

“I know, and—”

Scaramouche pushes Childe’s head back into the bed frame, albeit with a little less force this time.

“No one wants to work with me anymore for having worked with you. Same for Signora and Dottore.”

“There’s nothing I can—”

“And all your big clients somehow got wind of it, too. They’re trying to switch over, and they’re all going to traffickers who aren’t associated with the Fatui because you—”

“Do you think I fucking wanted people to find out?”

It’s the first proper sentence you’ve heard from Childe since he left that meeting room with Diluc and Kaeya.

“Do you think I fucking want the literal shittiest people in the world thinking that they can look down on me?” Childe shoves Scaramouche off him, blue eyes narrowing into a glare. “I’ve already lost everything, asshole, so I don’t need you here if all you’re going to do is remind me of that.”

Scaramouche’s face settles into a frown, though you do see a hint of apology in his eyes. The pain in Childe’s voice didn’t go lost on anyone in this room.

“You smell like shit,” Scaramouche says abruptly, looking away. “Take a shower. We’ll figure out how to fix this after that.”

Childe doesn’t say anything at that, merely stepping out of bed in his sweatpants and walking to the bathroom.

“Go with him,” Scaramouche tells you. “You smell even worse.”

You’re partially insulted, partially grateful when Scaramouche says that. Insulted because, well, it can hardly be considered your fault that your owner clung to you in his bed for days on end without letting you shower. Grateful because after watching Childe do nothing for so long, you’re not sure he’ll even be able to take a proper shower on his own.

“Ajax?” you whisper softly, following him into the bathroom. “Ajax, should I—”

“Be quiet,” he whispers. Childe steps inside the shower, eyes downcast. “Please,” he adds in a softer voice.

The man doesn’t start the shower until you’ve stepped in beside him, and you’re jarred when you realize how familiar this position is. It reminds you of how, months ago, when Childe first declared you his favorite and began inviting you to spend the night with him in his apartment, he brought you with him to the shower because he couldn’t trust you to be alone for so long. It was probably his first step in his attempts to win you over, since even back then, he was always so touchy with you, always asking what your preferred shampoo scents were and insisting that you let him wash your hair.

Back then, you were the sullen one, timid to speak and hesitant to look your owner in the eye. When he washed your hair for you, it was all you could do to shut your eyes and wait for his touch to go away, but now...

“Let me,” you tell him when he reaches for a bottle of shampoo.

It’s the first time you’ve ever initiated anything like this. You hold your breath, wondering if Childe will refuse you.

Wordlessly, the man bows his head to you.

You don’t entirely know what compels you to massage shampoo into his hair with such tenderness. A part of you says that it’s because you feel guilty, since it’s obvious by now that your slip-up to Kaeya that Lumine and Childe were connected is what’s resulted in his current plight, but another part of you does it simply because it feels natural. Standing next to him, his body blocking out most of the water as you let the soapy suds rinse from his hair, feels homey. Peaceful. Pleasant, almost as if the relationship between you isn’t owner and slave, as if the two of you are actually equals and you’re simply caring for him out of the goodness of your heart.

Childe seems to sense it, too, because right after you’ve washed conditioner from his hair and have finally begun using a loofah to clean his body, he stops your arms. He holds them loosely, just enough strength in his fingertips so that you know he wants you to stop but still sufficiently little that you’d be able to keep moving if you want to, and the two of you stand there like that for much too long, naked and vulnerable, staring into each other’s eyes as warm water beats down at you.

“I…”

It’s the first time Childe is actually speaking to you in such a long time, and his eyes soften the way they always do when he looks at you and makes you feel like you’re the only thing to exist in this world.

“I think I—”

“Hurry up in there!” The sound of Scaramouche kicking the door ruins the moment, and Childe abruptly drops your wrists from his hold. He steps back quickly, almost as if realizing how close his lips had moved towards yours, and a familiar pink stains his cheeks as he glances away from you and hurriedly scrubs the rest of his body clean.

“Sorry,” he blurts, so quick and uncomfortable that it almost reminds you of how he normally is. You’d believe it, too, if not for the slight twinge of distance in his eyes that tells you he’s still thinking about Lumine or whatever it is that has him so out of it. “Uh, thanks. I’m, uh, gonna go. Gotta talk to him, y’know? You can, uh, finish up in here.”

You almost want to laugh at how awkward Childe is as he steps out of the shower and towels off to brush his teeth, blue eyes flickering to your form only to glance away in embarrassment when he realizes that he’s being watched.

“I’ll put new clothes on the bed for you, so…”

Childe nods stiffly at you and closes the door, and it’s all you can do to blink after him.

Ten minutes later, once you’re fully clean for the first time in much too long and you’ve worn the clothes lain out for you on the bed, you make your exit from the master bedroom and follow the sound of voices into the living room.

“Listen, I—”

“Wait.” Childe puts up a hand, gesturing for you to come over. Wordless, you do, though it surprises you when your owner lets you sit at his side instead of on his lap. “Alright, continue.”

Scaramouche rolls his eyes the slightest before going on:

“All I was saying was that your career might be salvageable if you relocate. Let’s say you drop the name Tartaglia and instead fill the role of Capitano. You’ll have to move to Sumeru, but you might be able to continue your work there. Everyone now knows that Tartaglia was responsible for losing Lumine, but as long as you don’t tell people in Sumeru that you were Tartaglia, no one should question you there.”

“I hate everything about that plan,” Childe says, crossing his arms. “I don’t even know what language they speak there. I’ll be the foreigner. Everyone will think that I came to Sumeru as a last resort because I couldn't sell my merch anywhere else. Do you know how much I made fun of those two Mondstadt pricks for trying to do business here? They didn’t even have accents either, so imagine what people will say when I—”

“You don’t exactly have the luxury of caring about what people will say behind your back.” Scaramouche glances away, sensing that it’s a low blow. “I mean, listen. No one wants to work with you anymore, and this is the only way ‘you’ can become someone else.”

But Childe remains silent.

“You can keep all your merchandise,” Scaramouche continues. “In fact, the people in Sumeru will probably like that, since it means that the girls won’t know the language and they won’t be able to escape or ask for help. Hell, you can even bring her—”

“Is that even a question?” Childe asks defensively, a hand wrapping protectively around your knee. “Listen, Scaramouche, I appreciate you trying to help me, but Sumeru isn’t—”

“Isn’t what? Isn’t ideal? You letting it slip that you’re the imbecile who lost Lumine wasn’t ideal, but look where it—”

“I didn’t say shit!” Childe hisses in response. “Do you seriously think I’m that dumb? That I’d let those two Mondstadt pricks, of all people, know something that could destroy my career? That has now destroyed my career?”

“If not you, then who, Tartaglia? The only people who know are a part of the Fatui, and it’s not like—”

Scaramouche gestures to you wildly, evidently about to say that it’s not like you could have known, except that he now remembers that he did let mention Lumine in front of you to Childe once, and you can see the moment where he connects the dots.

“You fucking bitch,” Scaramouche whispers, eyes wide with fury and shock.

“No,” Childe says, standing up abruptly. “She didn’t say it intentionally. She still doesn’t know who Lumine is.”

“But she told someone, Tartaglia. You’re literally going to be kicked out of Snezhnaya because of her, and you still want to protect her?”

Childe’s mouth forms a thin line.

Scaramouche laughs mirthlessly.

“Fucking hell. Do you think this is a joke? Your life isn’t the only one she sabotaged, Tartaglia. Everyone in the Fatui is suffering, and if you keep letting yourself get seduced by your fucking toys, you should just quit being a human trafficker before one of us shoots you.”

Tartaglia says nothing.

“You’re a disappointment. At this point, you’ve caused more trouble for us than you have good. Everything you do seems to be another international incident, and I’m fucking sick of it.”

More silence.

“It’s people like you that make me terrified to retire. The more I talk to you, the more I think that you would have been better off as a slave rather than the owner. I never should have let you move up. You were built for taking dick, not for trying to control it.”

Your eyes widen as Childe remains silent.

“And you know who takes the blame every time you fuck up? Me. It’s me. Everyone in the goddamn Fatui thinks I made a bad call now when I set you free and, I’m going to be honest, I’m beginning to think they’re ri—

Childe stiffens next to you, standing.

“That’s enough,” he says, the look in his eyes dark. “What’s done is done,” he says. “Or do you need to vent some more?”

Scaramouche crosses his hands, a look of...regret? embarrassment? pity? Flickering across his eyes. He stands up with an unreadable look on his face.

“I’m...being serious. Consider whether or not you still want to work in the Fatui. This is the best shot you’ll have at leaving.” Scaramouche’s eyes flit over to you, where Childe’s hand is now wrapped protectively around your waist. “Though if I’m honest, I don’t think you even want to be a human trafficker anymore.”

Childe says nothing to that, merely waving casually as Scaramouche exits the apartment through the hole he made in the door. You wince when you see the damage, wanting to ask your owner how he plans on repairing it, but another question is more pressing on your mind:

“Ajax?”

“Yes?”

“Who’s Lumine?”

Your owner looks at you, brushing his thumb by your cheek as his eyes take on a nostalgic tint.

“I’ll tell you some other time.”

Childe goes back to his bad sleeping habits as soon as Scaramouche leaves. Within seconds, your owner is shirtless and has flopped onto the bed, shooting you a pleading look to curl up next to him. Thankfully, this spell seems to last a little shorter than the previous one because although the man refuses to get out of bed, he at least entertains you with a conversation.

“What else?” you ask, a playful smile on your face as Childe continues telling you stories about Xiangling.

“Well, there was this one time where some kid was making fun of Xiangling for being bad at art, so she and I decided that we’d bring in sandwiches for the entire class and make his extra spicy. I actually helped her with the cooking process and all, so I watched how much chili she put into the sauce she was going to use for this kid’s sandwich and it was ridiculous, like I thought she was trying to murder him or something, but anyway, we get to school and start handing out the sandwiches, and…”

You’re completely enthralled as Childe tells you the story of how he had to go to the nurse’s office because he, unfortunately, was the poor soul to eat the overly-spicy sandwich through a Xiangling-esque mix-up—and you don’t care that he’s probably making it up just to see you laugh, all that matters is that the man is smiling and talking and not staring miserably at the ceiling the way he has been for the past few days.

“You should try that the next time you’re in a business meeting with someone you don’t like,” you say, giggling. “It would be such a flex if they thought that you could eat something so spicy while they’d struggle.”

“Maybe,” Childe chuckles. “I really wanted to do something like that to those two Mondstadt pricks—and it might work, too, since they’re at least still doing business with me—but they already left the country.”

“What?” you ask in alarm, fear presenting itself as excitement through the speed with which you respond.

“Yeah,” Childe hums. “They had to go early or something. I guess it’s fine since we already agreed on the mode of transportation, but—”

“Wait, really? B-but hasn’t it been less than two weeks since your last meeting with them?”

Alarm bells begin to ring inside your mind. You remember—you swear you remember the two of them telling you that you’d have at least two weeks to get the documents before they’d leave. But could it be that they’ve forgotten about you? What if they decided you were trouble? What if they know that you’ve begun to grow close to Childe as of recent? What if they—fuck—you’ve actually begun to like the redhead, haven’t you? The fact that he’s not bringing to meetings anymore, handing your body off to be fucked like a toy before he takes you back, has made you forget that the man in front of you is a monster, hasn’t it? Could they somehow know?

A pool of dread rises in your stomach.

What you did today in the shower, willingly touching him and showing him affection he’s done nothing to deserve, was disgraceful. How can you expect Diluc and Kaeya to free you if you’re not even doing your best to be freed? What if they know about what happened today? What if they think you’re a lost cause? What if they abandoned you here because of your own naivety, and you’re cursed to a life of human trafficking for the rest of your days because of your own idiocy?

“Angel?” Childe asks, cupping your cheek. You violently flinch away from his touch, a defensive anger creeping into your eyes. “Angel, I—what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I…”

You shut your eyes, reminding yourself of your position. He may not be using you right now, but Childe is a human trafficker. You’re nothing more than his favorite toy. Getting close to him like this will do nothing but hinder your escape.

“It’s nothing,” you say, averting your eyes. Still, you make no effort to return to Childe’s warm embrace. “Just, um, tired. I’m going to take a nap.”

Childe must know that what you’re saying is utter bullshit, primarily because these past few days have been nothing but sleep and rest and more sleep, but he doesn’t push it. “Alright,” he says, leaning forward to kiss your cheek.

You turn away from him before he can get close.

There’s a strange sound Childe makes, then. It’s something between a sigh and whimper, dejected and hurt all at once, but you don’t turn around to check on him. He’s a monster, you tell yourself, forcing the image of Childe looking like a kicked puppy out of your mind. A fucking monster.

And the only two people in the world who are willing to get you away from this monster may have just abandoned you, so you really need to get your shit together.

Pretending to be asleep comes naturally to you after nine months of learning that sleep, even if feigned, was the only escape you could ever have from this life. Hours pass until Childe really has fallen into slumber, something you test by calling his name out quietly, and then you know that it’s time to go—or to at least go do what you can.

You’re abruptly grateful that you and Childe went to bed right after Scaramouche left because it means that you’re fully clothed, which is an unnatural state for someone like you. When you quietly climb out of bed and out of Childe’s apartment through the hole Scaramouche made in his front door, it almost makes you feel normal because even though you’re still dressed in a cutesy skirt and blouse, you’re not being accompanied by the one man who has never let you go outside alone.

When you finally take the elevator down the ground floor of Childe’s building, no one pays you a second glance as you walk out the front door.

Then, your mind is abuzz.

Don’t look at anyone, you tell yourself because you know that if you have a panic attack here, no one will be able to save you. Don’t look at anyone, just go to the hotel.

Hours of pretending to be asleep helped you sort out your thoughts: it makes sense that Childe would believe Diluc and Kaeya to be gone. After all, they don’t want your owner getting any ideas that they were the ones to free you; however, you need to make sure that they’re actually here.

And besides, you reason to yourself as you cross the street and step towards the hotel you’ve seen so many times across Childe’s apartment. It’s best to make sure I know where they are so that I don’t get confused when I actually escape. It’s important to do this.

With your eyes locked on the ground the whole time, you enter the hotel and take the elevator to the second floor where rooms 213 and 214 will be, just as Diluc and Kaeya instructed. No one pays you any attention, as if reminding you of your insignificance, but you’re grateful for how invisible you seem to be as you exit an empty elevator and wander down a carpeted hall.

This hotel is a considerable downgrade from the extravagant location Diluc and Kaeya were renting out as a front for their supposed trafficking, but it sets you at ease. When you finally stand in front of room 213, it looks almost...normal.

Hesitant, you raise a hand and rap your knuckles against the wood.

“E-excuse me?” you ask, tension beginning to seep in. “Is anyone—are—Diluc? Kaeya?”

Their names sound foreign off your tongue but you repeat them anyway, the intensity of your knocking increasing until you’re practically banging on the door the way Scaramouche was this morning.

No response.

Panic begins to surface, and you quickly switch over to room 214, not bothering to start knocking quietly as you bang on the door desperately.

“Is anyone there?” you call, trying to keep your voice sufficiently low so as to not disturb other patrons of the hotel, but it’s really hard when your fears that Diluc and Kaeya really have abandoned you grow truer and truer with each passing second. “Please!” you sob, practically kicking the door in your attempts to will it into opening. “Diluc! Kaeya! You—you promised you’d—”

The door opens right as you’re about to bang your fists against it once more, and an incredibly annoyed and shirtless Diluc stands to catch both your fists right before you can hit his chest with them.

“I’m here,” he says in that familiar, deep voice of his. “Calm down. I’m here.”

“Oh,” you say, relief suddenly washing through you as you practically go boneless in front of him. You know it’s inappropriate, that the two of you share no real relationship other than the fact that he’s trying to help you escape, but you can’t help the way you instinctively throw yourself forward to embrace him. “Thank you,” you practically sob into his chest. “Thank you for being here.”

“I—” Diluc is quick to pull you back, and he levels his stare with you just as he wipes the tears from your cheeks. “Did you escape? Do you have the documents?”

The redhead glances around the hall once to confirm that no one is watching before he pulls you inside his room. You’re surprised to see a gagged and naked Venti on his bed, the boy’s eyes round in...fear? concern? You’re not sure. The gag surprises you until you remember Kaeya’s previous declaration that Venti was a masochist. He must be into BDSM, too.

“No,” you tell the man, shaking your head. “I just—Ajax told me that you and Kaeya left. S-so I wanted to check to see if you’d actually…”

It sounds stupid when you say it out loud. From the face Diluc is making, he seems to be thinking the same thing.

“Okay,” he says, effectively inviting you in as he walks back inside the room. He approaches the dresser to slip on the black and red gloves you saw from him last time, wearing them before moving to sit on the bed next to Venti, big hands cupping the boy’s slender thighs. “Okay, we’re here. And we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Okay,” you respond, trying your hardest not to look at Venti. It’s clear that you walked in on an intimate moment. “Um…”

“We were having sex.”

Your cheeks burn. “Right,” you say, nodding your head. “That’s—um—all I—just wanted to check—going to—”

“Don’t leave unless you’re sure that there’s nothing you need,” Diluc says. “We can help you, you know. Give you a lockpick or a hammer or even a gun if that’s what it’ll take to get you access to those documents.”

“No, I’m…”

A soft smile floats onto your face. Awkward as he may be, you’re sure that this is just Diluc’s stoic way of being nice.

“I’m good. I already have a plan for the documents.” You’re about to smile and make your leave when you remember something that’s been at the forefront of your mind for ages. “But…”

Diluc lifts an eyebrow, waiting.

“Um...you don’t need to answer this, i-it’s actually not relevant, so I should—”

“What is it.”

Somehow, when Diluc says that with such a sharp gaze, it feels like less of a question and more of a demand.

You shudder, familiar with the sensation. Nine months of training makes your response automatic:

“Do you know what happened to Lumine?”

Diluc’s face changes.

“I mean—you don’t have to tell me. I was just curious. Ajax keeps talking about her and Scaramouche kept mentioning her and I don’t understand why she’s so important, so I haven’t—”

“Lumine was the name of a human trafficking slave who escaped,” Diluc says, folding his arms. Next to him, Venti leans into him and pulls his knees in, hiding his manhood. “I don’t know any exact dates, since there was probably a gap between when she escaped and when people began finding out, but it happened sometime within the past two years.”

“O...kay?” You cock your head to the side. That...honestly doesn’t sound like a big deal at all, honestly. Slaves escape all the time: heck, Scaramouche said that Xiao disappeared just a few weeks ago, so why isn’t Zhongli facing the same loss in business that Childe’s going through?

Diluc seems to see the confusion on your face.

“The thing was, when Lumine escaped, she took important documents with her.” Oh, you think, beginning to understand why that would be a problem. “At the time, no one knew who had lost her, since that person maintained anonymity during the whole affair, but those documents were said to have definitive evidence that could be used to prosecute basically every human trafficker who had business dealings with Lumine's handler. And since that person was anonymous, it meant that every human trafficker in the world was at risk.”

“I...see.” Now you understand why people wouldn’t want to work with Childe at the revelation that he was the man who lost Lumine. “That’s unfortunate.”

“I guess.” Diluc shrugs and crosses his arms. “The incident was resolved pretty quickly, and everyone soon found out that Lumine had been killed before she could hand the documents over to anyone of importance. Still, though, for someone as prolific as Tartaglia to be the imbecile to have lost his merchandise…”

You hate how your heart immediately beats in defiance when Diluc calls Childe an imbecile. He is an imbecile, you try to tell yourself, despite the fact that you feel nothing but sorrow and pity for him now that you understand what situation you’ve put him in. An imbecile. An asshole. A monster.

But somehow, your heart doesn’t seem to agree with your mind on those words.

“And it’s my fault everyone knows…” you mumble, more to yourself than Diluc or Venti.

Scaramouche’s words from this morning echo through your mind—Your life isn’t the only one she sabotaged, Tartaglia: everyone in the Fatui is suffering—and instantly, guilt hits you like a ton of bricks. Yes, these are human traffickers, but if you remember the utterly dejected look in Childe’s eye this morning, it feels infinitely worse to know that you’re the cause of his misery.

“Are you feeling bad for him?” Diluc asks in a whisper, but the look in his eye is dangerous. Even Venti, who had been pressed beside him up until now, begins to look fearful. “Are you seriously sympathizing with Tartaglia?”

“No, I—I’m not—”

“I hope not,” Diluc says, stony. “Because there are hundreds of other girls who want to be freed and haven’t begun to feel bad for their handlers, and Kaeya and I would much rather focus on them.”

“I’m not—”

“I hope so.”

Diluc stands abruptly, and you take that as your cue to leave.

“Th-thank you for taking the time to—”

“Yeah.”

Diluc practically pushes you out the door frame, then, his broad chest obstructing your view of the inside of the room, but your eyes fly to Venti, who kneels on the bed to make eye contact with you over the redhead's shoulder.

As Diluc begins reiterating the instructions for your return, you focus on the boy in the background.

Venti doesn’t seem to care that he’s nude. Hell, there’s not an ounce of shame on his face despite being gagged and covered in hickeys, and it would alarm you if you weren’t focused on the way he lifts his bruised arms up in an X-formation and begins shaking his head frantically. His lips appear to be forming the words to something, but you can’t understand what he’s saying through the gag.

You’re about to ask what Venti is saying when Diluc turns to see what you’re looking at.

For a second, the room seems to drop ten degrees. Venti freezes, staring at Diluc with round eyes, almost scared, and you swear you hear the redhead growl for a second.

A muffled whimper spills from Venti’s lips.

Diluc turns to you, a gentle smile that unsettles you on his face. “I think you should go,” he says. “Venti must really want my attention now if he’s trying to play games to get it.”

“O-oh, but what was he—”

“I suggest you leave now,” Diluc says, the kind-not-kind smile beginning to slip from his lips. “Because you’ve been here a while, and the last thing you should want is for Tartaglia to find you missing.”

“What about Kaeya—”

“Kaeya’s at the gym,” Diluc practically spits. “So unless you want Tartaglia tracking you there, too, I’d go straight back to your little apartment with him and pray that he didn’t notice you left.”

Despair builds in your chest at that. You were certain Childe was asleep when you left, but what if he reaches out for you while he’s sleeping? What if that wakes him up and he sees that you’re gone? What if—

“Go,” Diluc orders.

The redhead doesn’t wait for you to respond, then, simply slamming the door in your face. Immediately, you’re back in action. You dart for the elevator, knowing that you need to get home as quickly as you can if you want to minimize the chance of Childe waking up to find you gone.

Panic begins to rise. The familiar vines of anxiety begin to climb higher and higher through your stomach as the elevator begins to close with painstaking slowness. Your fingers fumble with the urge to make things move faster, and you doubt yourself for a moment, thinking that you should have taken the stairs, but it’s too late for that, now, with the doors just about to close, and—

You hear the beginnings of a scream. A high-pitched wail, something agonized and miserable and ruined.

Then, the sound cuts off with the closing of the elevator doors.

Too panicked to think, you don’t bother pondering the source of the sound as the elevator reaches the first floor and you stumble your way back to Childe’s apartment.

This time, you’re in so much of a rush that you do attract attention as you exit. Somehow, though, the thought of Childe waking up and finding you gone manages to overpower your fear at being seen, and you stumble forward through the hotel and towards Childe’s apartment building as fast as you can. When you’re safe inside, you have to take the elevator once more: because while Kaeya and Diluc were on the second floor of their hotel, Childe has the penthouse of his apartment, a distance much too large for the stairs to be a viable option, but your nerves begin to calm as you feel the elevator shift higher and higher.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get home safe and everything will be okay.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Probably not.

The elevator opens directly in front of Childe’s front door, where the hole Scaramouche busted open this morning still remains. Ever careful, you step one foot inside, shift your weight forward, and duck inside.

As soon as you’re completely within the apartment, the pressure and fear of having escaped dissipate. You think that you’ve made it back safely, that you snuck out and will be able to sneak back in with no consequences.

Then, you see him.

“Y-y-y-you’re—”

Childe is shaking like a leaf, looking pale and sickly. His hair is disheveled, messy in a way that lets you know that he’s been running his hands through it for as long as you've been gone, and his mouth is caught open in a mix of shock, confusion, and relief.

“You’re back,” he mumbles in disbelief, and the way his eyes glisten in the darkness of his apartment, catching what little moonlight shines in and reflecting it off, tells you that he’s on the verge of tears.

Then, he blinks, and the tears begin to fall.

“I…”

Words fail you. You don’t know what to say to justify your leave. You don’t know if Childe even wants justification. The man stumbles towards you, and while logic tells you that you should guard yourself, should protect yourself, should prepare to be hit or whipped or assaulted the way a human trafficker would normally behave when his merchandise acts out, the vulnerable look in Childe’s eye makes you think that he won't hurt you.

“I-I—I thought you left,” he blurts, reaching forward to catch your palm in his, squeezing it as if he can’t believe you’re real. “Why—why didn’t you—why are you—”

Back.

He reaches forward to clasp your other hand in his, and when he stands so close to you, holding your hands to his chest like your touch is his lifeline, everything else seems to disappear. For the first time today, the conscious thoughts that this man is a monster and he’s a human trafficker who destroyed your life and you should hate him all disappear—leaving nothing but pain for how miserable he looks at having been left, how shook he is that you decided to come back, how overwhelmed he is that, likely for the first time, someone has chosen to come back to him.

It shakes you to the core.

Never have you seen Childe so rattled. Displays of weakness like this are ones he rarely indulges in, and never at your side. This is the first time you're seeing him openly cry, the man practically clinging to your hand like it's the only thing grounding him, and you realize that he's hurting, too. That Lumine and Diluc and Kaeya and everything else in this godforsaken world of human trafficking have fucked him up just like it's fucked you over, and what you're seeing now is the culmination of all of that.

"Relax," you whisper, letting go of all your resentment for a single moment to pull him close into a warm, loving embrace. "Ajax, relax. I’m here. I’ve got you."

They're the same words Childe used to comfort you when you had a panic attack in the middle of Xiangling's restaurant, the same words that pulled you to safety at a time when even your mind had turned traitor against your heart.

You can't explain why you're comforting him when he's done nothing but ruin your life.

Yet, as Childe clutches your figure and chokes back a harrowing sob, thick, wet tears falling onto your shoulder as he chokes out the words “thank you” over and over again, you can’t help how your embrace instantly tightens.

MASTERLIST

Word count: 6.6k

Notes: OKAY so you know how this was supposed to be four chapters? yeah unfortunately that would make the final super duper rushed or super duper long so there's going to be a fifth chapter! and after the fifth chapter there'll be a short epilogue-y chapter!! the fifth chapter (finale!) and epilogue will be posted together at the same time - i can promise this bc i already have the epilogue written - soo yeah :D my apologies as usual for being late, hope you enjoyed the developments in this chapter! comment thoughts and predictions <3

Comment & Like

Next Update: 7/18/21 (hopefully)

I do not own the rights to Genshin Impact or any of the characters within it.

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reiner-needs-a-mother-titan · 3 years ago

Text

How I imagine Reiner as a father

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. *･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡ﾟ☆: *｡ﾟ ───

(Spoilers if you haven't watched all of AoT/SnK)

What he would go by:

Reiner would definitely go by all the cute names for dad by his kids

Dada as babies, Daddy when they're little (or Daddie), and then Pops when they get older. He also loves the idea of Papa, just anything his kids want to call him, he's happy with

Except Father (unless in formal situations)

Father is the word he associated with his dad because it felt so cold and heartless so he doesn't want his kids to view him that way.

He would eat up the homemade/special nicknames for him

Like him being called their superhero/super titan when playing or getting to pretend he's the king in their imaginary kingdom

The Basics:

Reiner didn't care whether he had boys, girls, or any combination, he just wanted kids (3-4 being his dream)

However, Reiner would be a great girl dad. Something about having two or three girls who he would let paint his nails, color on his arms and back, or who he would give piggyback rides to just feels like something he would love. He would take them on daddy/daughter dates growing up where he would do his best to show them respect and love so that one day when they go out and date someone they will know what is healthy and what isn't

But, if he does have boys (he would love them just as much as the girls obviously), best believe he's going to love watching them wear his shoes and mimic him when they're little. He looks forward to having those father/son moments where they make handshakes and inside jokes but also can't wait to teach them how to be good men as they get older

Reiner really respects the people in his life and he's not afraid to admit when he is in the wrong. So same goes for his kids, if he messes up he continues to feel guilty over it and apologizes for hurting their feelings or not following through with a promise he made

He also knows how the real world is and how terrible it can be (especially since he contributed to that by allowing the titans into paradise in his youth), so he's terrified of his kids being statistics or apart of any of that

Reiner teaches his kids self defense but refuses to let them become warriors as it's one of his largest regrets in his life

Whenever his kids ask about war or his work, he makes sure to be honest but also saves them a lot of the details. He knows if he isn't honest then they will grow curious and want to see for themselves, but he also doesn't put his trauma on his kids

Financial issues are NEVER spoken about to his kids. Reiner refuses to let his kids know how bad they are struggling as he wants them to enjoy being kids so if he can't afford food that night, he will go hungry just to feed them (since they are Ymir descendants, they don't have a lot)

He struggles with the brainwashing that Marley did to him to make him believe that Ymir descendants are less than human but he does his best to spare his kids that feeling by reminding them they are just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else as long as they are good people

He struggles with a lot of mental health issues so he is always open about what mental health issues are with his kids

The first time one of his kids has a panic attack he is quick to help them through it and explaining to them how to breathe or distract themselves from their anxiety

While he struggles with therapy and opening up himself, he makes sure his kids always know they can trust him with their issues without fear of judgement

One of his favorite lines is "I'm the armored titan, if I can handle war then I can handle you burdens."

However watching his kids cry over how the world treats them causes him to feel so much pain or rage he usually has to work out or practice his fighting skills to calm himself down

Parenting Style:

He's a stern and fair but loving and attentive parent

Reiner believes in raising his kids mostly equally but knows that they are all different so he raises them based off what works for them as well as preparing them for the separate struggles they will encounter

He's so awkward when it comes to their preteen stages. Reiner + Puberty do not mix well

He cooks for them whenever he can and encourages them to help him since strongly believes that kids should have consistent chores so that they value the things they have in their life (it also brings the family closer when they all help each other out)

He doesn't believe in locks on the door but he does knock before entering

The kid's rooms are their safe place but since the kids most likely share rooms (Eldians are broke) he lets them know that they have to respect everyone's boundaries

Yelling sometimes happens but its only ever when he's scared for them and doesn't know how to show it properly but he always apologizes and explains himself (he's still a broken man so he's not going to be a perfect parent)

He would shave his head if one of them got cancer type of thing

Type of Things Reiner Raises His Kids On:

Sea shanties and old crooner style music (so Marley's version of Frank Sinatra or Bobby Vee). Modern Reiner would probably listen to some classic rock and alt/indie/country though (He also would have that raspy old man voice while he sang)

He hikes with them!! Imagine Papa Reiner with a baby strapped to his chest, a backpack on his back, and his two other little ones trotting beside him while on a trail

Reading is a huge thing. He wasn't the greatest in school and reading isn't always his strong suit but he reads them stories at night for sure so that they always stay imaginative

He dances with them when his back isn't hurting

Sports are a huge thing in this family, if they could wear jerseys and and face paint in Marley they would. Baseball especially (thank Zeke for that influence). Football and swimming would be the other two

Reiner is a handyman for sure, hands on has always been his strong suit so anything his kids want (within reason) he sees no problem with building/crafting for them

Game night is a must when he isn't working

Some Additional Things:

How he's act with them:

youtube

His reflexes:

youtube

A song I feel like is "dad" Reiner's style:

youtube

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. *･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡ﾟ☆: *｡ﾟ ───

#give this man babies #give this man a hug #reiner braun #reiner supremacy #fluff reiner #aot #snk #dad #dad!reiner #reiner imagine #cute #parenting #Mr.Braun can be my daddy ykwim #Youtube

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tolkien-feels · 3 years ago

Note

You mentioned Maglor in your Angband post. Care to share how *that* relationship changes?

Yeah, sure. For future reference, the post mentioned is this one.

Under a cut for length and because this might be upsetting for some people. I'm... not sure what warning I should make for this one tbh but be careful if post-Angband themes tend to be an issue for you.

Maglor and Maedhros actually become closer. They were always close, but after Angband, they develop a unique sort of bond.

You see, the key thing is that Maglor is capable of drawing from both his great compassion and from his nerves of steel, so he's incredibly adaptable. He might retreat into another room shaking later, but while Maedhros needs him, he's there, unfazed no matter what's thrown his way, whether that's fear, rage, pain, frustration, despondency or even repeated attempts to push Maglor away. He doesn't always react in the most ideal ways but running away is the one reaction he never has. There is no darkness Maedhros can bring him into that he won't willingly face with him.

This in turn gives Maedhros a break from trying to micromanage his own behavior into what he believes is most acceptable - it's not an easy or quick process by any means, but Maedhros becomes increasingly confident that he can just... be himself and let Maglor adjust. The long term result of that is that Maedhros comes to strongly associate Maglor with safety, with the certainty that distress will be met with help, and that neither showing vulnerability nor lashing out are dangerous things to do. Not that Maedhros doesn't fight to stay in control and never need any help, because he absolutely does fight very very very hard, but he learns to tolerate taking risks with Maglor in a way he never really learns to do with anyone, except maybe Fingon.

On the other hand, Maedhros correctly assesses that Maglor's guilt is eating him alive, and does all that he can to ease that, from gentle reassurances to harsh truths Maglor really needs to hear. Of course, Maglor is deeply uncomfortable with that (he should be doing the comforting, what's wrong with him that he's relying on his traumatized brother!!!) but at the same time, Maglor can see that Maedhros is aggressively latching on to this not just out of concern (though it's mostly that) but also because playing the big brother role he's so used to helps him feel like himself. Plus, having been powerless for so long, Maedhros genuinely enjoys every small chance he has of making a difference, and it's hard to miss how eager Maglor is to have someone validate his choices even as he fights tooth and nail against it.

If I were to dig deeper into that, I would say that Maglor has drawn in his head a moral equivalence between his forced inaction and Morgoth's actions, and he fully believes he should be made to suffer twice as much as Maedhros - he doesn't want to feel less guilty or to be forgiven, because emotional anguish is the least he deserves. Maedhros, who knows a thing or two about clinging to thoroughly unhelpful thoughts to rationalize senseless cruelty, absolutely refuses to let Maglor play that game, and he's surprisingly forceful about it.

Anyhow! At the end of the day, the tl;dr is that they have each other's backs. This goes on beyond the aftermath of Angband and continues all the way to Maedhros's eventual death. The way I see it, as soon as it's feasible, they settle into a dynamic where they share responsibilities, which Maglor enjoys because it enables him to stop carrying the world on his shoulders unaided, and Maedhros enjoys because it gives him as much agency as he can take without getting overwhelmed (and leaves some room for bad days even after he considers himself recovered.)

Now, I don't mean to imply that this is all smooth sailing. Recovery is hard and they make plenty of mistakes, and it's not generally a good idea to take two traumatized people and make them each other's main source of emotional support, but given that they're in an impossible situation, they actually far exceed what'd be reasonable to expect from them. Though I have to say this also has the side effect of increasing the trademarked Feanorian Codependency™️ - not even their brothers can get between them, and "us against the world" becomes like 80% of their identity. Oh and for people who are rarely actually in the same place, they're sure capable of bizarre amounts of separation anxiety as soon as they're in the same location. If they ever feel like they're being kept away from each other they start cutting off heads, is basically what I'm picturing.

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whumpzone · 4 years ago

Text

Tomas and Rowe - Part 16

in which everyone has a bad time. except kasia. he's having fun

Masterpost

taglist: @sola-whumping @just-another-whumper @misspelledwitch @looptheloup @briars7 @black-polarf @zipadeedooda-drabbles @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @rosesareviolentlyread @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jazz-0307 @kestrelsparverius @whumpsy-daisies @whumpersworld @memoriesneverforget @sky-or-something-idfk @cupcakes-and-pain @frankieswhump @ihaventwritteninsolong @mybrokenlittletoy @kiretto-laorentze @morelikepainsley @lavmars @tears-and-lilies @whump-me-all-night-long @newbornwhumperfly @itaina-anta @whump-it @haro-whumps @simplygrimly @alex-ember @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @mnmlover2002 @jordanstrophe @princessofonward @xmonster-under-the-bed @as-a-matter-of-whump @5boys1house @crystalrainwing @starnight-whump @chifechi @unicornscotty @penny-for-your-whump @getyourwhumphere @likeit-or-whumpit @jasm0307 @lightdrinker @hurting-fictional-people @captainseconds @glamrockgregory @justbreakonme @downrivergirl914 @cdragontogacotar @whumps-up @vaguelyhumanvoid @kim-poce @kween-pinescales

CW: pet whump, dehumanisation, force feeding, stress positions, references to mouth whump and burns

Rowe took to repeating the affirmations every day, whispering them past the newly empty gaps in his gums. When he did them, he could forget for a little while that he was going to die in his cell. At least he could die as something. He wouldn’t let Kasia turn him into an empty husk.

I have worth.

I don’t deserve pain.

I’m a person.

He was careful, of course, to lock them away when Kasia visited. He tried not to associate them with pain; he said them every day when he woke up, not when he was freshly hurting. He didn’t want to ever, ever, say them in front of Kasia.

He knew if he did it would just get him another beating, but they were his. They were precious. They were a relic of Master that Kasia couldn’t corrupt.

He just had to keep his stupid mouth shut when it mattered.

For the first time since his arrival here, Rowe spent a whole day alone. The hours ticked by as he started to see shapes in the floor, and wondered if Kasia would ever return. Was this it? Had he got bored already? Would Rowe be left to die and rot after less than a week, his capture so recent he could still feel Master’s hands in his?

In reality it only meant that when Kasia did come back the next day, Rowe despised himself for the brief flash of relief. The man he was at the mercy of had returned to torture him another day.

Kasia had brought more chains, and restraints, always in his duffle bag, and Rowe had quickly learnt to shrink away at the mere sight of it. Rowe stayed curled up on the floor as he entered, eyeing him like a kicked dog.

“Did you miss me, pup?”

“Please,” he replied hoarsely. “Please give me f-food. Please.”

Rowe would never have dared beg with his first Master. But he had always known that he would be fed, eventually, once he had learnt his lesson. And of course, he’d never needed to beg Master Tomas. But here, there weren’t any rules. Nothing was guaranteed. So fuck it, he might as well try to prolong his life.

“Today’s your lucky day. I actually brought something. You’ll have to earn it, though. No getting on my fucking nerves, yeah?”

You’re the one who chooses to come here, Rowe thought despairingly.

“Okay, okay, just please-“

“Didn’t you just hear me?” Kasia kicked him in the stomach and Rowe moaned. He nodded, wincing as the burns on his neck pressed together.

“Arms up, come on.”

. . .

Tomas had made it from the shower to the downstairs sofa, and he was content with that. Not proud, no, proud would imply he was happy with himself in some way, but at least he wasn’t completely catatonic today. Luca had texted saying to answer the door if it rang, and a part of Tomas still wanted to impress him, despite it all. So he had showered and brushed the last of the blood from his hair. God, how many days had it been?

A small movement on the floor caught his eye. A spider, out of reach, too far to feasibly get him. He felt acutely aware of his own apathy then, as instead of shrieking or running away, he just stared.

The chance of the spider hurting him was practically zero. And yet he was still afraid. Afraid of it crawling over his skin, afraid that it might come near him in the night when he was asleep and vulnerable, and although he knew deep down that it wouldn’t, there was always the possibility of it deciding to run up his leg at any given moment. Even being near it made him afraid.

He thought of Rowe. He felt like he understood something. He sighed.

Luca arrived not half an hour later, banging on the door and shouting for Tomas as if nothing was wrong.

“Hey! It’s me- don’t leave me outside on this cold night. I’m only an orphan boy.”

Tomas pulled the door open. He couldn’t smile, but seeing Luca felt like the weight in his stomach was lifted slightly.

“It’s not cold. And you’re not an orphan.”

“I am happy to see you, though,” Luca said calmly. He was holding a basket, its contents hidden under a teatowel. “I brought you a pull-yourself-together hamper. Some ready meals, dry shampoo, fruit, and stuff. And the teatowel. ‘Cause why not.”

Already Tomas could feel Luca’s warmth seeping into him. He put a hand over his mouth and nodded. “Than- thanks, thank you, you know you don’t owe me anything-“

“I know, handsome lad. But the thought of Rowe being kidnapped is- god, it’s awful. Don’t worry, I’m here of my own free will. Sometimes you just need someone else in the house.”

Tomas let him inside, feeling guilty about the mess, then feeling guilty because he was the one who allowed it to accumulate.

“Let’s open a window,” Luca suggested, and Tomas sloped over. “Want me to get that spider?”

He shook his head, trying uselessly to hide his face. “It’s fine, it’s fine, you can let it stay, I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m-“

His own voice cracking cut him off but he pressed on.

“I’m fine, I really am.”

“You’re not. It’s okay.”

“Just- how- how the fuck did I let this happen. How did I not, I mean, I trusted him this whole- whole time and now it’s all gone wrong and-“

He sat heavily on the floor, leaning his face into the side of the sofa, not blinking, not seeing. He breathed out and time seemed to slow.

Luca’s hand rested on his shoulder, a gentle pressure to his fingers.

“What’s done is done. You can’t help Rowe by falling apart, and you definitely can’t help yourself like that either. It’s, ah, it’s hard. It’s really hard. But you can collapse and cry and disintegrate when Rowe is back, I promise. Do you know where Kasia lives?”

Tomas nodded. “I haven’t even thought about that. I can’t believe myself.”

“Hey, no falling apart okay?” Luca’s tone was firm, and it made Tomas pull his head up, to look at him. His hair, braided in two chunky plaits, hung asymmetrically, one past his collarbone and one down his back. His eyeliner was winged like the letter V, drawn out in a point that came sharply back over his eyelid. Pretty. “That’s good to know, though. You could catch him on his way in or out, try to strike up a deal, I don’t know. I’ve not exactly had any experience with kidnappings either.”

“Yeah, it’s fucking stupid isn’t it. This whole situation is stupid. Fuck.”

Luca just looked at him, a sad smile ghosting over his face.

“I just can’t stop thinking about all the things that might be happening,” Tomas confessed. “He’s unhinged, he really is. He’s sick. And he’s got Rowe and the police don’t care, no one cares.”

“I care. You care.”

Tomas didn’t reply and the words hung over them. Two people caring wasn’t much. But, he supposed, it was better than nothing.

. . .

Rowe’s arms would dislocate, they would they absolutely would, Kasia was setting him up to dislocate both his god damn shoulders or arms or whatever. Rowe could hardly tell where the pain was located, it felt like it was everywhere, burning through his like a fire burns a taut string.

The food- dog food, but still edible, still something- sat before him, emptied on the floor, and from where Rowe knelt he should’ve been able to lean and eat easily. But Kasia had his arms bound and tied to the bars of the cage door, pulling them back and turning any movement into agony. Not only was he bent out of shape, but the burns along his shoulders were irritated awfully. He was sure his skin would burst open any second.

It had been twenty minutes at most, and already he was exhausted. Sweat rolled down him, dripping off his nose. He could hardly breathe.

Kasia’s heavy boot pressed down on the crown of his head, and his moan quickly became a scream of pain.

“No, no please!”

“I thought you were hungry. I’m helping.”

The pressure doubled, forcing Rowe’s face closer to the dog food, until he was close enough to open his mouth and take a bite. Disgust flooded him, and it only increased when he chewed. He swallowed past the collar, his throat pressing uncomfortably against it, and oh god, it felt so good, it was food in his belly, he was thankful for it despite everything. Kasia seemed satisfied and released his boot, sending Rowe’s head springing back to relieve the pressure on his shoulders. The skin near his burns had ripped and were bleeding, but nothing was dislocated.

“You’re definitely still hungry. How about another bite?”

Before Rowe could speak, Kasia had grabbed a fistful of hair, shoving him down, the sudden pull on his arms a thousand times worse than before, worse than anything, the pain was clouding his mind and he couldn’t think of anything but the barest, most built-in responses.

He screamed.

Spit flew from his mouth. Kasia kept pressing, his fingers curling tighter together, and the burning on Rowe’s scalp joined the rest of his body. His fingers were surely purple with how hard Kasia had tied them. Rowe had lost all feeling beyond his wrists.

“Please!”

Kasia ignored him.

“Please, st-stop, please M-M-Master Tomas help me-“

“He’s not fucking coming you stupid dog,” Kasia growled and pulled Rowe’s face all the way down, cracking his chin against the concrete, a deep shooting pain through his face and remaining teeth. He moaned. More skin tore along his shoulders. “No one’s coming to save you.”

A kick sent him lurching to the side, twisting his body until he was sprawled with his back to the floor, staring up at his bound hands, which were a mixture of blue and purple and were not moving at all.

He turned his head to see Kasia grabbing a fistful of the dog food from the floor and stepping over him.

“Mouth open.” Rowe complied and Kasia smiled mockingly. “Good boy.”

The dog food was shoved in, packing against the walls of his mouth, Kasia’s fingers prodding his gums, and it took everything not to vomit. His stomach heaved but nothing came. All he could do was be a good boy, and eat.

“Tomas isn’t your Master. He’s not coming.”

Present tense, thought Rowe as his eyes watered from the taste. He’s not dead.

. . .

Tomas couldn’t stop his legs from shaking as he stood on Kasia’s street, his hands tucked under his armpits for warmth. Yeah, the shaking was definitely just from the cold. Sure.

By the time Kasia appeared, it was night. He stalked down the street, stumbling slightly, and Tomas realised he was drunk. If he hadn’t had a reason to be there, he would have walked away right now, and fast.

When Kasia got close enough, Tomas stepped out of the shadows, forcing Kasia to stop and fix him with a glare.

“Give him back.”

“Or what?” he asked flatly, as if this meeting was no surprise. “Hah, you look like shit Tomas.”

“Give him fucking back, what do you want for him, money? You’re torturing a human being you sick fuck.”

“I’m having some fun with a Pet,” Kasia smiled. “And if you start whining like this I will just kill him.”

Tomas stiffened. “You wouldn’t.”

“You so sure about that?”

“Let him go.”

“No,” Kasia pushed him once and Tomas stumbled back, hitting a wall. He blinked and Kasia’s face was pressed up in front of his. He stank of booze and cigarettes. “Fuck off or I’ll kill him. I’ll hurt him worse to make up for this, too.”

“No, fuck no just leave him fucking alone-“

Kasia swung once, but mercifully something made him miss. Carelessness, the alcohol, perhaps just the assumption that Tomas was too pathetic to move out of the way. His fist cracked against the wall and as he shouted in pain Tomas considered kicking him between the legs, spitting on him, whatever. But Rowe’s life was at stake so, like the coward he was, he ran into the night, Kasia shouting taunts behind him.

Luca looked up when he pushed through the door, panting. He’d run the entire way. Luca stayed silent; the look on Tomas’s face was telling enough.

“I’m a fucking failure,” he whispered, and started to cry.

#whump #pet whump #whump fic #dehumanisation #tomas and rowe #mine #enjoy!#i hope this is a satisfying chapter #will tungle tag people in this? who knows

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