#except rio seemed to take it as a real spell so. maybe it was real

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

it's not like shes santa claus it's not to be taken that literally i know but it's so funny to think about episode 4 from rio's side of things

like shes been waiting for years to get the chance to threaten agatha with grievous bodily harm again and then she gets to, gets all ominous about it, probably expects agatha to run, maybe expects a fun little chase, probably doesnt necessarily immediately expect agatha of all witches to assemble some kind of misfit coven and get on The RoadTM

and then on her way to some poor soul she gets fuckin intercepted or maybe sped along by some spell that perhaps she can tell is agatha's doing i mean i dont know how that stuff works but if spells have fingerprints of the caster on them im sure rio knows agatha's, so shes like, Okay, Agatha, sure babe what are we playing, "i was in the neighbourhood ! :o", does a fucking jam session bc why not she has nothing better to do i guess, gets some Worrying insights immediately abt agatha and That boy, gets called away from her long weekend of agatha-stalking bc agathas proclaimed new best friends are doing as promised and dropping like flies

like this is hysterical. it's been 2 days

[nancywheelxr]

Omg omg omg omg plz do a Uncle Peter and Uncle Aaron fic

“You did what?” Uncle Aaron rasps, hand still pressing tight to his chest and slightly out of breath, and his expression is somewhere between anger and disbelief. On the other side of the room, Peter throws his hands up, mouth stuffed with a bagel.

Yup. That’s about what Miles expected.

Okay, he should probably back up a little and explain.

*

So, look, there are the facts:

The body of Aaron Davis never reached the morgue. The vehicle containing his body was shot out of the road exactly eight minutes after it left the alleyway. No suspects were apprehended and Officer Jefferson Davis was ordered to close the case twelve days later after all leads had gone cold. 

That had been nearly a year ago.

Now, here are some more– mildly less believable, but hey, last year the multiverse kinda went bananas, so who’s Miles to call anything crazy, right? – facts: 

Three weeks ago a grumpy wizard dumped Peter in Miles’ backyard. He had a cool cape, though, that Miles thinks might have waved at him at some point? Anyway, there was this wizard, right, and he dumped Peter in his mom’s hydrangeas and then he told Miles to keep an eye on Peter because Peter had apparently been cursed and couldn’t stay in their universe for the time being? No, he did not know when he’d be back to collect him, and no, he would not be taking criticisms on his plan right now.

It had all been very strange.

So yeah, that was a thing that happened. Apparently, Peter’s universe had been attacked by a sorcerer and Spider-Man got the wrong end of a particularly nasty banishing spell. 

“It was not my fault,” Peter had said, head halfway into Miles’ refrigerator, “if the Avengers could keep their damn villains of the week out of my neighborhood, then none of this would happen– hey, is the chili still good? No, you know what, nevermind, it probably is, let me just check the milk–”

And that had been that. 

“ – and you know, Harry Potter over there, didn’t have to just dump me here,” except, Peter had seemed to want to explain thoroughly what happened first, “I bet he could have just waved his hand and be done with it. He fixed the whole molecular-universe-rejection thing, didn’t he? Sorcerer Supreme, my–”

Miles had kind of zoned out after a while.

*

Those were the facts, see, and all of them were out of Miles’ hands, that’s a very important thing to notice.

*

So, since, Doctor Wizard hadn’t bothered to stay to hash out the finer details before peacing out back to his dimension, that left to Peter and Miles to figure out where to stash Peter while this whole mess was sorted out.

It’s not like Peter has a functioning social security number or even the money to buy some real state or pay any sort of rent. Sure, they could go to Aunt May’s place, but whenever Miles tried to bring it up, Peter got that weird face on, that looked kinda guilty and like, infinitely sad, and Miles didn’t have the heart to suggest it again.

Besides, he doesn’t think it would be good for May, not if this took a while.

Somehow, that ended up equaling with Peter squatting at Uncle Aaron’s old place.

It had seemed the logical conclusion, at the time. No one was using it and Miles’ dad hadn’t wanted to let go of it, not yet. Privately, Miles thinks it’s ‘cause his dad still hopes Uncle Aaron is out there, alive. The lack of a body to bury does that, he thinks, and wholeheartedly agrees with his dad.

If there’s still a chance, Miles would take it.

Anyway. So, Peter had been staying at Uncle Aaron’s place and being an all-around sorta cool mentor while helping out Miles with the whole superhero gig. 

It had really been just a matter of time until his parents caught up with it.

*

Again, let the record show, that while yes, Miles had been the one to come up with Uncle Peter, it had been Peter that came up with the marriage thing.

*

Another couple of facts to keep in mind:

Fours hours ago, Miles and Peter had busted another of Kingpin’s research facilities. Inside it, handcuffed to one of the beds, they had found Uncle Aaron recovering from surgery.

According to his retelling of events, that had been his twelfth procedure. Kingpin had been the one to pay for the Prowler gear, therefore, Kingpin owned the Prowler. Kingpin does not throw away expensive resources– not even the ones who needed open-chest surgery, blood transfusions, illegal not-yet-tested drugs, and too many lung surgeries. No, Uncle Aaron does not know what he had been planning to do with him once he recovered enough, but he figures it would be nothing good, probably blackmail him into working for him again.

Bringing him back to his old place had also brought up the fact that someone else had been living there.

Which brings them back to:

*

“Why the hell would you tell them that?” Uncle Aaron twitches, glaring at Peter like he wants to bring out his gear to saw him up a bit, “of all the all the– are you an idiot?”

Miles cringes. This is spiraling out of control fast. “Look, I know this isn’t ideal–”

“You think I want to be married to a Supervillain?” Peter, having swallowed his bagel, screams back at Uncle Aaron, seething with righteous anger, “I’m not exactly having the time of my life here either, pal!”

“Okay, I wouldn’t say he’s a supervillain, exactly,” Miles tries to placate him, “more like a henchman, maybe? And he’s totally reformed! Right, Uncle Aaron? Right?”

It’s not a real question, exactly, Miles knows that moment on Aunt May’s roof had been a turning point for his uncle, knows the second he let go of Miles, the second that bullet his chest, he wasn’t a bad guy anymore. He couldn’t be, not when his nephew was Spider-Man. 

And Miles would be damned if he wasn’t going to give his own uncle a second chance.

Still, as soon as the words leave Miles’ mouth, Uncle Aaron seems to deflate. He sighs, running a hand across his face before motioning Miles over. “C’mere, kid,” he waits until Miles is sitting beside him in the dusty couch, the white sheet used to cover it still on the floor by their feet. “Yeah, of course I’m reformed,” his mouth still twitches in amusement at the term, then falls into a grimace again, “and I’m so fucking sorry for the things I’ve done, even more for what I did to you. If I had known–” he shakes his head, “not that it makes that much better– but point is, you bet I’m done being a bad guy. I’ll never hurt anyone again, alright, and I’ll never hurt you, Miles, I’m so sorry for all of that.”

“Hey, erm,” Miles swallows past a lump he hadn’t noticed growing in his throat, and looks around, panicking at the sight of Uncle Aaron– cool, laid-back, fun Uncle Aaron– close to tears and looking wrecked by guilt. His eyes meet Peter’s across the room and he looks about as uncomfortable to be there as humanly possible, but he still gives Miles a thumbs up, smiling kindly. “It’s okay, Uncle Aaron. I know– you can do better now,” he finishes awkwardly, not quite able to stop himself from hugging him.

After a long pause, Miles feels his uncle returning the hug fiercely, holding him like he’s not yet sure this is all real. “You really are something else, kid.”

*

It had taken Miles and Peter half an hour to unhook Uncle Aaron from all the machines and monitors in his cell, and Miles had cried silently at how sick his uncle had looked and pretended not to notice the blood trail they left from where the IV tube had been hooked at the crook of his arm– Uncle Aaron had looked about to keel over and any blood wasted on the tiled floor had seemed alarming.

Peter had taken most of his weight and told Miles to go ahead make sure the hallway was clear. 

Not for the first time, Miles had wished Gwen was there, if only to bully him into being less sad.

*

“Okay,” Uncle Aaron says, huffing a little after they both had regained some sort of composure– ha! Check that out, composure, his English teacher would be thrilled with him using fancy words. “We still gotta figure this thing out.”

“I want a divorce,” Peter demands, standing with his hands on his hips, “I’m sorry but this just isn’t working out, babe.”

“Call me that again,” he warns, glaring, “and I’ll whoop your ass, lung surgery or not.”

Miles tries to picture it– breaking the news of Uncle Aaron’s return to his parents then the subsequent divorce. That would mean Peter would be homeless again and no more excuses to be hanging around Miles. ‘Sides, Peter leaving Uncle Aaron now that he’s sick would not look good. That would definitely be a problem if they want Peter to be able to stick around.

Well, shit.

“You can’t,” he blurts out, shrinking a little when both adults whirl on him, “I mean, you totally can, but it would make it so much harder because how are we gonna explain why Peter is always around? And mom kinda already likes him? She sends him casseroles sometimes, even though dad still grumbles about it.”

Uncle Aaron groans. “Of course she does,” he drops his head on his hands, “this is a mess.”

“Rio’s casseroles are delicious,” Peter admits, tilting his head thoughtfully towards the kitchen like that’s enough to make him reconsider this whole scheme.

“And I know dad is like, still annoyed you allegedly didn’t tell them about this,” Miles adds, “but I swear he’s trying to be more chill–”

“Hang on,” Uncle Aaron looks up, for the first time since they rescued him from the lab, seeming less defeated. His eyes are almost as bright as they were before, alight with something gleeful. “This would annoy the hell out of your old man, wouldn’t it?”

Miles blinks, a sense of impending doom encroaching like an inevitable storm that has nothing to do with his spider senses. “I guess?”

“Say,” he turns to Peter, giving him an assessing look, “spider-hobo, how about we strike a deal?”

“Okay, first off, I was dumped in this universe without warning, alright, it’s not like they let me pack a bag first,” Peter scowls, crossing his arms, “second, what kind of deal?”

“You need a place to stay and an excuse for my brother not to arrest you,” Uncle Aaron smirks, and Miles thinks he knows where this is going but he’s not sure how he feels about it, “and I could use a hand to keep watch, I’m sure Kingpin’s not gonna give up so soon.”

And it would have the bonus of annoying Miles’ dad which is Uncle Aaron’s favorite past time.

This is so spiraling out of control.

Peter squints. “So you want a bodyguard?”

“So you want not to be homeless?”

“Fine,” he huffs, throwing his hands up and rolling his eyes, “we’re married now, I guess. Hurray.”

“Please, you should be happy,” Uncle Aaron sits back, stretching his legs under the coffee table, “you are married to me.”

That sends Peter into another inflamed rant. “Look, I’m a goddamn catch–”

Man, Miles groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. This is going to be a disaster and with his luck, it’s going to snowball into something huge before it bursts into flames. Again, he wishes fiercely Gwen was there, he bets at least she’d get a kick out of this.

Faintly, he hears Uncle Aaron ignoring Peter in favor to nudge his feet. “Hey, kid, do me a favor and don’t mention to your dad I cursed in front of you, yeah?”

Across the table, Peter snatches another bagel, biting into it with a vengeance.

[rpgsandbox]

Welcome to Britannia and Beyond!

A regional guide for the Cthulhu Invictus™ setting detailing the province of Britannia, and the barbarian lands of Caledonia and Hibernia

‘Britannia is the border, the furthest outpost of Empire, bounded by cruel Oceania on all sides… what lies beyond that border, what crosses and passes unseen… those things concern me more than any barbarian tribe, more than any army of men… yes, you are right to worry about approaching that border, for what waits in Britannia and beyond… is said to be the doom of Rome.’ – Vatia of Rhodes, 54 AD

The earliest accounts of Briton the Romans saw were from Greek writers, such as Horace, who wrote ‘the shores of the distant Britons’ lay where ‘the real world came to an end and the world of unknown peoples and mythical creatures began.’ To even approach those shores, Horace writes, the Romans would have to cross ‘the stream of Oceanus, filled with large numbers of sea-monsters.’ And so, the island remained a complete mystery, shrouded in shadow and fog.

But eventually the expanding Roman Empire crossed that ocean, and through hard battles and bitter campaigns enveloped Britannia into its borders. Today (96 CE to 180 CE) the province of Britannia is a place of contradictions, a clash of peoples, cultures, and ideologies. It is a land marked by conquest and brutal oppression, but also by peace, productivity, and great progress. Its citizens enjoy prosperity and health, but to most Romans Britons are still seen as unwashed and uncivilized barbarians, the ‘Britunculli’ or ‘nasty little Britons.’ It is a land, and a people, who are slowly forming a new identity, often at odds with themselves.  

But there is another truth, another history: one that predates human existence which is unseen by all except a chosen few. The Shadow War. Humanity’s battle against alien gods, their servitor monsters, and the depraved humans who serve them both or exploited them for personal gain, has raged on for millennia. For centuries, this war in Britannia was mostly contained, the dark forces kept dormant through a combination of rituals, ancient magics, and powerful seals erected over the doors of various mystical prisons.

But the coming of the Romans and their Empire changed all that. With the destruction of the druids and their faith, a darkness long kept at bay is now returning. Spells and rituals are no longer performed, protective groves have been burned, sacred stones toppled, and the prison doors to many dark gods now stand open. These entities seek to spread their dark influence, from the new “colony” cities and wealthy villas to the simplest villages of thatch roof huts and century old farms, from the most powerful elite to the lowliest of slaves. Nowhere and no one is safe from their vile machinations.

This misty, mysterious island is the latest front line of the Shadow War. At the edge of the Empire, a new history waits to be written: one of adventure, but also madness, of glory, but also unspeakable horror. Welcome to Britannia and Beyond.

Three years and five Kickstarters ago we were lucky enough to bring Cthulhu Invictus back to the world of Call of Cthulhu, updating it for 7th Edition. That book proved to be quite difficult and time consuming, but the end result proved worth all the effort. We are deeply proud and grateful that it was honored with the 2019 Silver ENnie for Best Supplement at Gencon.

We caught our breath to play with some cats (Tails of Valor), make a stand for justice (An Inner Darkness), and remember our childhood (The Lovecraft Country Holiday Collection), but through it all, we planned our return to the setting we hold so dear. That time has come at last. The Shadow War never ends, and dark things stir on this rainy island on the edge of the known world. It’s time to set sail for Britannia and Beyond!

The scholar Zosimos, Lady Dexia of the Vestal Virgins, and the centurion Galarius Rufus along with his loyal hound Brita sail towards Portus Dubris, and the misty, mysterious province of Britannia. For Brita, the war dog, this is a homecoming of sorts.

For our first setting book for Cthulhu Invictus, Britannia was an obvious choice. With the rich, often tragic, history of the Roman conquest and colonization of Britannia, the fascinating cultural and social results of the blending of so many diverse cultures, and the enchanting folklore of the ancient Celts… one might ask, how could we NOT start with Britannia? From the Roman baths at, well, Bath, to the Antonine (and yes, Hadrian’s) Wall(s) in the north, from Stonehenge, to London (or is that Londinium?), Tír na nÓg and the Sidhe, the savage Picts of Caledonia in the north and bloodthirsty Hibernian raiders from across the western sea, to the dark tapestry of Great Old Ones connected with Britain (especially its Severn Valley). The attraction to delve into these things and create a version of what Britannia is like in the world of Cthulhu Invictus was completely irresistible. So, here we are!

This well researched and comprehensive guide will provide keepers everything they need to take their Cthulhu Invictus campaign to the province of Britannia, and possibly beyond. The book covers:

1. A detailed history of Britannia, from pre-history to the end of the Antonine Period of the Roman Empire (180 CE).

2. Details on Britannia’s climate, geography, natural resources, and economy.  

Today, the streets of a rebuilt Londinium look much like any other provincial capital in the Empire, maybe a bit cloudier than most.

3. Information on the Roman government, including the military legions stationed there, including both past and current client kingdoms.

4. Tips for creating characters living in Britannia, from Roman settlers, to Romano-Celtic natives (Latinized natives), and native Celts, with a list of Celtic names and gender-naming conventions.

Our heroes and heroines arrive at the home of Veldicius, an old friend of Galarius Rufus from their days serving with the Legio XX, many years ago.

5. A guide to the province of Britannia by region, describing its distinct cultural outlook, the tribes native to the region (and their attitudes towards Rome), important cities and towns, notable sites, sinister seeds, mythos threats, and more.

Paying a courtesy visit to (and seeking advice from) Queen Caratacae of the Dobunni, ruler of one of the few remaining client kingdoms of Britannia.

6. Information on the religion, folklore, myths, magic, temples, and sacred sites associated with Britannia, including Druidism and new rules for creating Druid characters.

7. A collection of patrons, investigator organizations, and sinister cults located across Britannia.

8. The Britannia Bestiary, a listing of the native plants and animals, as well as mythos entities drawn from traditional folklore viewed through cosmic horror colored glasses.

The wilds of Britannia can be a dangerous place, with forests old and dark, where older and darker things lurk.

9. The Dark Gods of Britannia, a discussion of the most iconic Great Old Ones and Outer Gods found across the province, including Eihort, Gla'aki, Y’golonac, Byatis, Yegg-Ha, The Keeper of the Moon Lens, and more.  

Britannia is home to many dark and dangerous gods, and since the coming of the Romans, the powers of those gods are not only growing, but spreading.

10. A discussion of The Dreamlands, Tír na nÓg, and the mysterious Sidhe.

11. A listing of new mythos tomes, magical artifacts, and spells.  

New Roman roads are only a good idea if they avoid places no one should ever go. Getting the engineers and bureaucrats to change their "well laid out plans" is seldom an easy task.

12. Beyond the Wall and Across the Sea: the barbarian lands of Caledonia (Scotland) and Hibernia (Ireland), detailing their people, the conditions there, and the rules for creating characters from these far off lands.  

Walls alone won't protect the Empire from its enemies, human and otherwise. Sometimes, it take courage, steel, arrows, and a fair amount of blood!

13. A pair of scenarios set in Britannia, allowing Keepers and players to dive right into daring and horrifying adventures in this misty land on the edge of the empire.

A Mortal Harvest by Oscar Rios - Shortly before harvest, three villages of the Ordovices suddenly abandon their homes and head towards the city of Viroconium. The investigators must delve into this refugee crisis and get the Ordovices to return to their homes and bring in their crops, lest they face starvation come winter. The Ordovices are too terrified to do so because of a mysterious figure singing haunting ballads under the cover of night. He strums upon a harp, singing a tale of an army of the dead serving a dark god, and warning of their impending doom should they remain.

The Long Dark by Oscar Rios - Just south of the Antonine Wall, in the village of Trimontium, an old friend needs help. An old army buddy, Caito Lupis, retired from the legions and settled down. He's gotten married and begun farming on the land given to him in return for his 25 years of service. At least, that's what he's trying to do. For the Romans, it is time to harvest, but for the natives it's a sacred time, the start of their New Year, a time when ghoulies and ghosties and long legged beasties are free to enter our world. It seems that some of these creatures are set on ruining your friend's harvest and driving him off his land.

==========================================================

Kickstarter campaign ends: Mon, April 13 2020 5:00 AM BST

Website: [Golden Goblin Press] [facebook] [twitter]

[antmfunny]

1. Mirror Mirror on the Wall - Who’s the Selfiest Queen of All?

Tyra Banks bursts into the Top Model pad to rant about how shitty selfies are these days. She should know - she cruises Instagram endlessly.

She’s here to show the models how to take better mirror shots because sometimes you break up with your photographer boyfriend and have to learn to do the job yourself! (That is only partially a masturbation reference.)

Never mind that the judges constantly insist they’re not looking for an Instagram model, it’s the most practical outcome for most of these contestants, so you might as well set them up for a modicum of success.

Before the lesson commences, we get a pretty much irrelevant clip of Jeana talking about how much she loves Tyra while photos of Tyra scroll on the screen. It’s like, “Hey, guys, you remember Tyra, right?” YES. We have never forgotten Tyra or what she looks like but thanks for the glamor shots.

I don’t have an Instagram account because so many social media platforms come and go that I refused to join new ones past a certain point. By now, it’s clear Instagram is here to stay, so my current excuse is just stubbornness (I swear I’m not as old as Erin.) I’m not sure I’ve ever taken a proper mirror selfie before, and I want to be clear that I know that’s an obnoxious thing to say, that being THAT counter-culture is as obnoxious as someone who is constantly taking selfies.

All of that is to say, even though I don’t know the first thing about selfie excellence, Tyra’s tips all seem to make sense and be useful, and that’s NOT something I can about most other Tyra lessons, like that one about animal necks.

TYRA TIP No. 1: #SLAY

SLAY stands for So Look At Yourself. Evidently, a lot of amateurs look at the camera rather than making smize contact in the mirror, so Tyra encourages selfie-takers to find the shot on the phone, then look toward themselves.

TYRA TIP No. 2: #CIAO

CIAO stands for Crop It All Out. In a lot of mirror selfies, the most prominent part is the camera in the reflection. So Tyra encourages photo-takers to take the shot, then zoom in and crop the camera out.

It’s simple advice, but perhaps too difficult of an acronym since the models have no idea how to spell Ciao. Man, we’ve regressed a lot from the cycles where the winner gets a spread in Italian Vogue.

TYRA TIP No. 3: #DipItLow

Another way to avoid making the camera the focus of the shot is to place it so centrally. Tyra encourages the girls to hold the camera below the waist and tilt it upwards so people first look at the outfit they’re showing off, not the camera.

I don’t know why we don’t get a acronym here like the other two, that just seems lazy. What’s wrong with #DIL? Or if that’s too pickle-y, maybe #HILL (Hold It Low, Ladies) or #DTF (Dip That Fone).

Okay, now it’s time to put these tips into action, and Tyra has enlisted the help of Jourdan Dunn, a “super”model who didn’t think she wanted to be a model until she started watching ANTM as a teenager and decided, fuck it, this looks easy enough. Tyra gets excited as if Jourdan is some Top Model success story, but it’s not like she auditioned to be on the show - she instead chose the path of having a real career.

Jourdan seems like a fine guest and all, but if Tyra really wanted to bring on someone known for his mirror selfies, she should have looked no further than Cycle 22’s Dustin McNeer. As anyone who’s made the mistake of scrolling through the ANTM tag on Tumblr already knows, he takes mirror selfies on the daily and most definitely makes sure the focus of the photo is on something other than his cellphone. (Penis. I’m referring to his penis.)

For the challenge, the models will dress in Jourdan’s designer house sweats and take shots. The winner of the challenge will get her selfie shot on Jourdan’s Instagram page, which has 2 million followers.

Rio seems stoked, explaining that being featured on Jourdan’s account could get her “millions of followers.” To get millions of new followers, that’d mean that EVERY one of Jourdan’s followers would have to decide to follow Rio based on a single post. Especially after Rio’s snide comment about she doesn’t follow back most of her followers because they’re not interesting, I’d say there’s a FAT CHANCE of that. And unlike Rio, I don’t mean that in a fat-shamey way.

Speaking of fat, Khrystyana says that she got her follower count up by showing off her fat rolls. God, I love her.  

Meanwhile, Sandra got her follower count up by being beautiful and popular and all those other things Rio hates. She does well and probably should have won this challenge, except that the show was finally fixing to cut her, so they couldn’t let her win.

Erin’s getting full grandma edit this segment as she yet again moans that she doesn’t know anything about social media. After seeing Khrystyana and Sandra’s follower count, Erin’s is hilarious:

Hey, at least it exceeds her age… by one. I’m not sure why Erin finds taking a picture of herself to be so difficult, but she needs Khrystyana to come and literally guide her through the process. I love how they choose this shot of her to showcase with Khrystyana’s hand on Erin’s:

Can you really call that a selfie? That’s more like an assisted selfie, which is probably popular in the assisted living facility in which Erin resides. Tyra concludes that Erin needed a Selfie 1.0 lesson instead of the Selfie 2.0 lesson she offered the models. It’s true, Tyra is teaching selfies at a Harvard level. She is a professor of self-promotion (I’m not kidding) after all.

Fortunately for Erin, she does great at the real photoshoot, so Tyra gives her a pass. She still only receives her photo middle of the pack call-out-wise, though, which is not a good sign for her longevity if the judges correctly call it her best photo yet.  

Tyra also nails Kyla for ignoring her selfie rules, but hey, what do you expect from someone so stupid? Kyla doesn’t DipItLow, she doesn’t make it croppable… It’s one thing to tune out Drew Elliott, but THEE TYRA BANKS? She’s shitting out more gold than Shanice did after accidentally swallowing a bunch of paint at the shoot. It’s not a good look for Kyla since we know Tyra loves a girl who listens.

All right, time for the winner: it’s Jeana, because who needs hair when you’re wearing a hat and a hood simultaneously?! As a bonus prize, Jeana gets to keep the outfit she’s wearing, which is kind of like when you’re at a bar doing a brand promotion and they say, “You can keep the glass!” and you think, “But I don’t even want the glass.”

Okay, CIAO, everybody! And by that, I mean goodbye.

4 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 8

[pxiao]

Could ya give your thoughts on Zexal as a whole and tell is it really bad. can you?

As a whole post? Seems a bit vicious even for me. But as a whole I’ll say it, z-xal fans look away because as this is my pure opinions as a Z-xal hater. My opinions could be wrong and they can annoy you but remember this is my opinion and just as you have a right to be annoyed, I have a right to my opinion. Don’t whine if you find something you don’t like on a Z-xal hate piece.  

The show is textbook at best and at worse just annoying with some horrible lessons. When the it first aired, I was willing to give it a try despite initially being put off by the character designs, if not just because I thought the fandom was being annoying. I got up to the cat girl episode till I just felt it was boring as all get out and stopped watching. It wasn’t a conspicuous decision either, I just didn’t feel like watching the next episode and I honestly forgot the show existed till Zexal 2 started and well by that point I didn’t give a damn. But I started to hear things about the show and well I honestly found it annoying and I watched it and I was right. Yoshida doesn’t seem skilled at creating characters, world building or even plotting. 

Plot wise, a lot of the logic is ignored for trauma and angst. And I know that in Yu-Gi-Oh!, logic isn’t exactly common anyway but you still need some logic in people’s actions or there really isn’t any point in watching a show. If you watch the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged series, LittleKuriboh is doing a good job of pointing out the flaws of the Orichalcos season written by Yoshida. Like Atem’s duel against Rafael was started by Atem deciding to answer his challenge for rescue Professor Arthur … who was released for no reason before Atem even dueled Rafael and for no real reason either. Zexal is the same, a lot of episodes don’t do anything to advance the story, characters or even the world. It’s just duel of the week episodes which rarely have any effect on the world at all. Zexal’s story is generally duels of the week, some plot, more duels of the week and then final battle. There isn’t any rising action, it’s just exposition and then overdrawn climax. His attempts at “foreshadowing” are laughable. They don’t hint, they spell it out to the point we know what’s going to happen 99% percent of the the time. And lets face it, people like to watch shows that have some surprise as otherwise the show becomes a checklist and that was what Zexal felt like at times. It was less of a show and more of Yoshida’s checklist of the tropes that Yu-Gi-Oh! has done. A major plothole I found in the Barian onslaught was Shark’s attitude throughout the arc. Why did he go straight into war mode if he “knew Yuma’s feelings”. Yuma who spent the arc freaking out at the death and war that was going on, if Shark actually knew Yuma, he should know that a war is the last thing Yuma would ever want. But he spends the arc angsts over how he has to betray his friends. Why couldn’t he TALK to Yuma, while Astral is iffy, he should know how much of an influence that Yuma has on the alien and thus maybe a deal can be made. And if it couldn’t be, he could have at least tried before he lead a war that lead to his “friends” dying like a REAL ruler. 

World building, ha. He doesn’t build worlds, he builds a blank slate that the characters “live” at. Heartland has no personality at all, despite being the city of the future there was nothing unique about it. Astral world and Barian worlds are just factions at war with that represent the concepts of order and chaos and that’s from the show TELLING US. We only see the Astral world dying and nothing about it’s people, the Barian world is just not shown at all except for some red rocks. If I had to compared Astral world and Barian world to say Arc-V’s worlds, it’s depressing. Arc-V has a bit of Chaos vs Order in the form of Academia and the Resistance and the difference in writing quality is depressing. Academia would is order and we get a taste of how messed up their ideological is from Sora, Serena and Edo. We see how the public openly supports their ideas, the children believe the lies that they’re making a better war and when they’re in danger they freak out as they thought of it as a game. Hell we see how they take their ideology to the extreme in the BB arc when Sanders and the students beg for Sanders to be carded as it follows their ideals. The resistance is chaos, as Shun states they had trouble creating a defense in time and it shows. The flashbacks show duelists not in any uniform, just attacking without any formation or plan, their bases are just tents huddled together and the Resistance didn’t even have a main base, it was different branches and by the time we see it, it’s all but dead. Maiami is defined by how free the setting is, there are a LARGE variety of dueling schools from You Show, Gongenzaka Dojo, LDS, the many different schools Yuya saw and Ryozanpaku. Each having a variety of philosophies and how the public acted show they had a healthy mix of positive, loving Entertainment duels, and negative traits, their bullying of Yuya in the past. 

His characters are the worst, they aren’t really characters, just personality traits put together in the hopes of being a working personality. Most of the time, they’re just 2D cutouts. Don Thousand is a perfect example. In a story, the most important characters are the protagonist and the main enemy of the series as they shape what the show is. The worst thing you can do when making a main villain is making them easily replaceable. In the manga for Z-xal which was pretty similar to the anime Don was replaced while the story was going on because the artist didn’t like him and Yoshida EASILY replaced Don Thousand. That just proves that Don Thousand didn’t have a personality if he could be replaced by another villain so easily. In comparison, you can’t replace Zarc or Leo, they have shaped Arc-V plot and setting that if you take them out, the plot will change. He generally makes his protagonists overally perfect like what he did to Yusei in season 2 of 5D’s. Yuma is a horrible attempt to fix this, he had flaws for sure, but instead of Yuma growing, Yoshida made the show bend over backwards to make a flaw a virtue instead. The infuriating part is the show actually did a good job of showing his flaw but then everyone even the people that called out him earlier are telling to not change. You don’t make good characters that way, you destroy your show. Yoshida doesn’t do enough to build up the relationships that are supposed to form the backbone of the show and it feels hollow. A direct example is Yuya and Yuzu relationship vs Yuma and Kotori’s relationship. The couples are both childhood friends but the difference between their bonds is clear as day. Kotori is a side thought to Yuma at best and we never get an explanation of why Kotori and supposedly Yuma like each other. Their relationship development is Kotori screaming for Yuma and her getting jealous over him. Yuya and Yuzu? The first few episodes show how they understand each other the most and when something is up with one of them, they’re the first to realize it. Despite being separated for most of the show, Yuya and Yuzu continuously show support and love for each other while Yuma and Kotori barely interact despite being next to each other for the majority of the show. Arc-V shows plenty of times when Yuya puts her safety above everything and that includes his own ideals. Yuzu also puts Yuya’s safety over her own and her speeches are the only thing to reach him as the Zarc vs Ray/Reira duel showed. Fan reaction proves this, Yuya and Yuzu is one of the most popular ships in their fandom while Yuma and Kotori is hardly liked at all. And how he writes girls … Look Yu-Gi-Oh! isn’t going to win awards on how to write women unless you include Season 1 of Arc-V. But Yoshida is the worst at them, nearly every women he writes is obsessed over romance and plays little to no part in the story. Rio appeared as an independent girl that didn’t want to seen as part of Shark. And she became just that, she never made her own decisions ever and everything that came out of her mouth was about Shark and that’s it. She became his angst magnet. And based on how Aoi was written, I doubt he’s changed in Vr–ns.

Next I don’t think Yoshida understands the idea of a card game show. While card game shows are generally shonen series, they don’t have the same rules as a general shonen series. An enemy having a broken power in a regular shonen is accepted because the point of shonen is to make things unfair for the protagonist so the audience can feel something when they overcome it. That doesn’t work with card games, there has to be a SENSE of balance as card games are meant to be a game first and foremost. Otherwise the enemy comes across as overpowered to the point of ridiculousness. Don Thousand was overpowered to the point I was rolling my eye when he was literally breaking the rules of the game. From easily causing 50,000 points of damage, to summoning monsters with 10,000 and later 100,000 attack points. Don didn’t feel powerful, he felt like the writers were trying too hard to make him dangerous and instead came off as annoying.  

But the worst part of this is how Yoshida never changes. Everything that he works on has a basic plot and character types and he never varies. His writing has the same ideas in the seasons he writes. And I’ve seen how some people defend him on this because of his writing style. I strongly disagree, authors can have similar themes and ideas but they should never make a series the exact same. Kasumi Ono was the director for 5d’s and Arc-V while there are similarities in themes and character points, it’s impossible to say they’re alike at all. Or the writer for Type-Moon, compared Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Extra. They take the same concept and play with it so the story is different.  Authors don’t have to make everything original but the problem is Yoshida rarely changes the details at all.