#example: people blaming sam for kevin's death

[shallowseeker]

Yeah, I mean if I were Sam, I'd honestly feel more comfortable bringing up something symbolic like this because it allows it to live in this strange world of safer(?) abstractions.

I mean, there he is, pointing out something he passively "did" as a mere infant (being born, being targeted by Azazel) as a way to bizarrely equalize himself and Jack. It feels like a very forced way to parallel them.

A closer parallel could've been when soulless Sam almost sacrificed Bobby, or when Godstiel called them nostalgia and almost moved to kill them, or when Demon Dean was seconds from bashing Sam's head in with a hammer, or when Mary almost blew Sam and Dean's brains out while under the MoL influence, etc etc.

These "almosts" are soooo much closer in nature to what actually happened than Sam pivoting to the circumstances of his birth! "I killed mom" has the same abstract feeling of self-worthlessness that "not being pure" does. It's inherent. Inevitable. Uncontrollable. Just a fact of life. Passive.

Aside/// Sam's internalized hatred of "ever being born" doesn't happen in a vacuum, for sure. This is something that numerous characters also blamed Sam for, like the clever "aside" to the audience in the "Nutcracker" game during Changing Channels:

GAMESHOW ANNOUNCER: Would your Mother and Father still be alive... if your brother was never born?

(The answer is, of course, at least in Gabe's world: yes.)

But it's still interesting to me how it unintentionally allows Sam to sidestep... a lot of real decisions, like what you mentioned, the Emma thing.

It also allows him to sidestep his not-decisions, like doing nothing after Kevin got kidnapped. Even later, when Sam focused on "letting Dean down so hard he had to turn to other brothers," he doesn't explicitly mention his abandonment OF other people, like for example Kevin. Crowley does this exact same thing imho when he rants about Kevin's (lack of) safety being mostly attributable to The Winchesters (TM) positioning himself as the wise, savvy one who "warned Kevin" of the danger (no matter that Crowley tortured Kev and killed Kev's relatively harmless fellow students. Not to mention tortured his friggin' mom). If memory serves, Cas calls Crowley out on this, lol.

Anyway, later when Lucifer mentions "the Amelia and the dog thing," Kevin does not feature there either, at least not obviously? By contrast, with respect to Dean's feeling of guilt and also the later assignment of blame for Kevin's death by Sam, Crowley and Metatron: Kevin gets mentioned a good bit! Usually directly TO Dean. Surprise, surprise.)

I personally think it'd be much more emotionally trying for Sam to bring up actual things he's done over the years (something-something human sacrifice, almost killing Bobby, Emma, that one Lester dude he preyed on, Oskar, etc.)

It reminds me a bit of his words in Tombstone to Jack:

Sam takes a deep breath, trying to follow up all that heavy honesty with his own wisdom. This time, he tries mimicking Cas’s earlier words, which seemed to work in the car. (Notably, he misses them mark because he’s not specific like Cas was. Cas underlines that he’s killed people he loves, but Sam keeps it vaguer: “Things we regret.”) And with Sam, Jack shuts down again. He’s sharp about it this time. Jack’s body language has Sam reeling back, hands up.

transcript: SAM: Jack, look, this life, what we do, it's… it’s not easy. And we’ve all done things we regret. JACK (very sharp): Just don’t. 

So yeah, while a feeling of inherent self-worthlessness is absolutely crushing in its own right, I think it's fascinating to consider that in some ways, it allows for an abstract "original sin," that allows Sam to look away from his actual mistakes.

(And again, I suppose we're all a little bit like this as humans. It's hard to admit when we fail, so I have sympathy!)

Society if instead of saying he killed Mary too by “being born,” Sam brought up something much more comparable. Killing…Emma. If was just a moment, a split second decision.

[ananke-xiii]

T stands for Tara (or maybe for Trauma)

Rewatching S9 sure is a lesson in paying attention for me 'cause I missed so many things the first time it's almost like I'm watching a new season now. The biggest example is, of course, Dean's emotions vs Responsibility/Accountability.

The Gadreel Thing is so much more layered than I thought and this was on me cause the show was spitting facts: Dean gets manipulated by the angel, there's no doubt about that. The show makes it abundantly clear from episode 1 that angels are, generally speaking, not to mess with and now even more so, now that they're on earth, fallen and in pain they are even more deranged and dangerous than usual. They're desperate for vessels and it's a real fucking mess, it's absolutely ugly.

Now, Dean doesn't really know about all this but he does know that angels are dicks, I think he even trademarked the phrase. However, Dean's desperate cause a fucking doctor told him that Sam's life is in God's hands (as he had a right to be, fuck you Doctor but also, in hindsight, LOL if only they knew they were indeed in God's hands all along...). He prays to Cas, Cas doesn't answer and what does he do? He prays to angels, any angel who will listen.

And this is Dean's fatal flaw: one might say he's too emotional or that he's emotional disregulated but Dean acts based on what he feels at the moment and he has two modes: either he feels nothing or too much and this is unfortunately not healthy, talking from experience.

The thing is that Dean's emotions are treated as a sort of moral compass in the show, as something that either justifies or blames him and I'm not sure that's fair to Dean, to the other characters and to the audience too.

But back to S9, S9 really pointed the finger at Dean's emotions and said this is what happens when you're not centered in yourself: people take advantage of you. Because Dean was taken advantage of by Gadreel, by Crowley and even by Cain. it's abysmally sad.

So, in my view, Dean was responsible for making a desperate call to desperate monsters based on desparate emotions and that sets off a chain of events that he cannot be entirely held accountable for. This doesn't mean Sam shouldn't be pissed, he has all the right to be so. What I'm saying is that they're so focused on their issues (the same they had by the end of s8 that s9 has just taken to its tragic extremes) that they're not seeing the bigger picture. And while Sam can be justified for failing to see it because he was also a victim of manipulation (a manipulation where his own brother has a hand in) and literally not in his sound mind, Dean should be able to start gathering the pieces but he fails to do so. Why?

I think an extremely interesting episode is "Bad Boys", if I remember the title correctly. The one where we come to know that Dean was in a boys' home for 2 months. Full disclosure I don't like the episode for its overly sentimental tone and 'cause there are a lot of factual incorrect things but it very well succeeds in showing us the root of Dean's behavior.

In this episode Dean clearly states (and he seems to believe it) that it wasn't John's fault (as Sam pointed out) that he got arrested and brought to Sonny's boys' house. It was his fault.

And we, we absolutely see that this is 100% not true. Like, none at all. All the fault was 100% on John, period. But here they are, something like 15 or more years later and Dean, a full adult now, still thinks that it was his fault.

So, once again, in case we had forgotten, the show reminded us that the main source of Dean's issue with responsibility stems from his childhood trauma.

This is why he now blames himself for Kevin's death and Sam's possession. Which it's actually true cause he did call the angels in a reckless, illogical, desperate moment, bringing havoc on that poor hospital instead of waiting for 5 fucking minutes and calm down. So yeah, Dean's got a problem. However he is NOT responsible for Gadreel's con just like he wasn't responsible for John being a neglectful and abusive father. And yet he takes these burdens on himself because he did call the angels and he did steal the bread but both times he acted from a place of desperation and both symbolical and literal starvation.

it's still a problem but it's another kind of problem.

Now, what does S9 in this regard? It made it all worse. Yeah.

Dean makes the same mistake twice but this time I will hold Dean if not responsible, surely accountable for it.

Tara is the glaring example of what I'm trying to say.

Tara is the woman John Winchester had a thing with while they were hunting a knight of hell together. Or something like that. She dies because of Dean but this time Dean doesn't blame himself, he blames Crowley and he's in the wrong.

Crowley manipulates Dean just like Gadreel did. In fact, Dean was hunting for his prey, Gadreel, when Crowley shows up promising to do something fun fun fun together. And Dean capitulates because this is what he thinks the solution to his problems is: fun without consequences. Except, there are. like. tons of them.

Of course, Crowley's not Gadreel and he knows Dean so much better and uses the ghost pf John Winchester to lure him in ("Does T stand for terrible father?" etc). Together they go to one of John's storage units (parents trapped in demonic storage units while their sons become ghosts or even demons is a literal thing in s9, ask Linda Tran; the symbolic implications are simply delicious, I'll forever love Carver for his command of symbolism) and the dance begins.

They end up in Tara's shop and here Dean is the absolute worst: he fucking shows there with the literal King of Hell by his side, downright lies about it and fucking reassures Tara that it's all good and she should trust them. Them?! A literal stanger AND the King of Hell? Dean was out of his mind with grief and hurt etc but this is borderline stupid and demanding and all sorts of bad things that got Tara dead by skin-peeling. Ugh.

Tara immediately calls his bullshit because she has the knee thingy: her knee aches in the presence of a demon. Yeah, yeah, Dean's a demon foreshadowing, cool, but also. like. Dean lied and he came clean just cause he couldn't do otherwise.

He vouches for Crowley and this leads to admittedly even stupider Tara to believe this stranger and put a bullet in her demon trap, an action that will later prove fatal for her.

So Tara dies horribly because of the Capital Sin of Trusting Impossibly Beautiful White Men Who Claim They Want to Save&Protect People but really, mainly because of Dean.

And I find it sooo interesting and telling that Dean is ready to beat himself up for Kevin and Sam to the point of taking on the fucking Mark of Cain because he didn't have the tools to handle big emotions (not his fault but it is his responsibility as an adult to try and look into this since it's apparenlty hurting people). However, he promptly distanced himself from Tara: that was on Crowley.

And maybe it was. Because Crowley was manipulating Dean etc. But how come Dean CAN see where responsibility lies NOW and yet he cannot see it in the Gadreel Thing? How can he absolve himself so easily?

Here lies Dean's second fatal flaw, one that he shares with his brother: for all their talks about saving people and the world, at the end of the day they only care about their own world, that is strictly each other. And they do that because SURPRISE!SURPRISE! their only caregiver didn't care for their well-being and closed them off from the real world. Literally so. Dean didn't go to the dance, supposedly didn't keep learning how to play guitar, didn't do any other boxing match or whatever he did in high school.

The show presents it as HIS choice but was it really??? He was a goddamn kid, of course he wanted those things AND he wanted to be with his brother. If choice it was, it was an utterly unfair one and definitely a choice too big for a 16 yo teenager. Similar thing applies to the Gadreel Thing: it was Dean's choice but was it really? People see it differently but I'd say that choice under coercion is not a real choice, add trauma and unresolved issues to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Now, I'm not one for "John's the monster in this story" cause he's another complicated character but also yes, as a parent he is a monstrous parent and understanding his trauma doesn't justify him, just like with any other character.

This is, of course, the core of the Carver era and one of the reasons why I like it: because it doesn't shy away from showing Sam and Dean's hypocrisy and where it comes from.

Finally, I just want to say that Tara in Buddhism is "The Venerable Mother of Liberation", the one who compassionately saves people in the samsara. It's ironic that she gets brutally killed right before Dean takes on the mark, am I right? It's also not ironic that Carver era ended with the Resurrection of Mary Winchester after Dean was released of the Mark and released The Darkness in the world. They did a thing.

[entropic-saudade]

Something that gets me the more I think about it is how based on 2x14 Born Under a Bad Sign and 12x21 There’s Something About Mary, along with other things we see throughout the show, is that most hunters still had homes. It doesn’t always have to be a life on the road.

As liminal as apartments can be, it’s still a stable living space. All the hunters Meg-as-Sam and brainwashed Mary (notable also, Sam and Mary both under the influence of an evil force making them kill other hunters, invading their homes and ripping what they have apart: just as what was done to them) killed had their own home or apartment.

Bobby had a home. Rufus had a home. Garth had a home. The Harvelles had a home. Jody had a home. Donna had a home. A lot of them had several living spaces if you include their cabins, or the various homes they moved to.

But Sam and Dean never had a home. John never tried to give them a base camp, he just kept moving them from place to place, motel to motel. They stay in other people’s homes instead: Bobby’s, Sonny’s.

They don’t have a stable place until they get the Bunker, because even after John died it didn’t occur to them that they could have one. And even then— like Sam says initially, the Bunker is just the place where they work. They both make it a little more lived-in over the years, but the Bunker’s status as “home” and “fortress” is one that is tragically and repeatedly broken down: despite the establishing episode claiming that no one could get in without the key and that the Bunker was impervious to any supernatural threat out there, repeatedly we see the Bunker broken into by demons, angels, monsters, reapers, Death, God and Amara, the British Men of Letters, etc. It gets haunted by Kevin (not blaming him here, just noting— everywhere they live and go becomes touched by ghosts of their past). Their home gets torn apart and almost set on fire by the Stynes, it gets searched and bugged by the British Men of Letters. In later seasons it becomes a working space and refuge for the Apocalypse World hunters, overrun to the point that Dean feels the need to retreat to his room (& again I’m not blaming anyone here, they did the right thing in homing them. But Dean also deserves a space to himself, as does Sam).

Their safe spaces are always violated— whether it be their bodies, their home, their car. Nothing they have is ever really their own.

[I’d also like to note, bc it’s kind of funny but not really, that the Bunker’s red alarms only go off a few times throughout the show despite the presence of dangers: in Chuck’s other endings, when the BMoL lock Sam and Dean and Lady Bevell in (the irony of their home becoming their grave). But the most notable example and also the quickest the Bunker ever is to set off the alarms is when after Dean used the bhaozu pearl thing in Lebanon, John shows up. I just think it’s so funny that the Bunker’s alarm system never fucking works properly but the minute John shows up the Bunker sounds off bc forget God and Lucifer and God’s sister— John Winchester is the real fuckin threat here]

[scoobydoodean]

Does "Rowena is responsible for Charlie's death" count for people misremembering? Or is it more of a purposeful misinterpretation?

I might file that one more under terrible interpretations of the text (because it's like the stupidest thing ever, but it isn't that the person is misrembering that Charlie left partly because Rowena was being "annoying"—it's that blaming Rowena (who was literally being held against her will) for Charlie's death based on that detail is nuts.

Thinking more like forgetting or misremembering literal events that transpired. Examples of things people say that are wrong or misremembered:

Jack connecting with Kelly and Cas's minds from the womb did not happen. Dean just made that up.

Emma was lunging at either Sam or Dean when Sam shot her.

Amy killed murderers.

Sam did not see Kevin get kidnapped.

Dean did not know how Sam felt about possession in season 9. (This one was me I forgot hehe)

[samsno1]

could talk a lot about this

i think sam accepts it simply because he thinks he deserves it, he thinks its his destiny and that people will naturally like dean more than him because he was always supposed to be unlovable, unlikeable, even before he knew he had demon blood in him but especially afterwards

i think we shouldve got more from sam during stanford, to see how he behaved with jess, how he felt like being the first option for once, being the one people looked at...just to lose it all again because sam winchester was never free, because he couldnt run from himself, from his destiny

later on he ends up knowing jess wouldve died anyways, dean being back or not, why? because his destiny damned him to be alone, to be lucifer's true vessel, the prince of hell. everyone around him would either end up dead or against him.

i love season 8, i think i made this very clear for everyone, because even if I MYSELF personally think sam wouldn't stop looking for dean, it isnt because of the usual reason that "dean is his brother"

no

sam wouldnt have stopped looking for dean because dean was the only person he truly had. sam would know that without dean he would be completely alone so, looking for him would be the first thing he'd do and he'd move mountains just so he wouldn’t feel like a mistake, just so he didnt feel so alone all the time because yeah jody was there, other hunters were there but...were they? for him?

but, canonically speaking, sam found someone that chose him. who looked at him with love because amelia didnt know his past, didnt know he was addicted to demon blood at some point, didnt know he was lucifer's vessel. to her, he was just sam, the guy with a blurry past and she chose him

then dean came back, guiltripped him into thinking he needed to look for him right when sam finally felt free. he was thrown back at full force in this fucking destiny he so badly tried running from.

then he felt betrayed because even his brother chose someone else over him. benny, a vampire. sam was lost because HE CHOSE DEAN. he left amelia because his brother was more important to him than a woman just for sam to learn about benny.

sam tried everything, absolutely everything until he just accepted it. he was willing to die because if his destiny was going to be ending up alone anyways why bother? so he did the trials, he was going to close the gates of hell, he was going to die if it meant he could be remembered as a hero and not the ghost of his brother

sam accepts it, but that doesn't mean he doesn’t try and try again and again to get out of this trap that is being the one people don't really care about. he knows his brother will always be the angel, metaphorically and biblically speaking, michael's vessel, the one chosen by heaven to bear him

dean is cared for by heaven, literally. sam is the one they look down on, it doesn’t fucking matter how good he tries to be, how much he screams "LOOK AT ME, I'M GOOD, I'M NOT A FREAK ANYMORE, I'M TRYING" he will always be on his brother's shadow

always

yall think that sam deep down knows that no one cares for him as much as they care for dean?

if he knows, was a slow realization, or did it hit him at once? maybe at one evening, as bobby smiled softly at dean, and sam was surprised to see that type of gesture in bobby, but dean wasn't. so maybe it was strange and unfamiliar to him and him alone.

did he accept it? or did he try to grow closer to those around him? never quite managing it. he is too strange, too earnest.

in those days when the world is a bit more red, and the weather feels colder than natural, he would reason to himself that it's in his blood. that he's not made to fit in with the world around him, with the people on it. he is not clean, in the biblical and literal sense of the world.

but the cruelest reason, comes from the fact that it just might be him. not the blood, or destiny, or his actions.

he is just not that loveable.

anyways, what do yall think?

[megacoven]

Final exam

(a short semi-fix-it fic inspired by @spnpocweek’s day 5 prompt, “o death”)

Part 1: Logic problems

1. A lateral thinking puzzle: A young man is lying dead on the floor of an underground bunker. The bunker is sealed and warded against all plausible enemies. There is no weapon near him. What happened? What happens next?

2. It’s dark where you are, but there’s light somewhere close. You know that much. Let’s say some lights are upstairs, and you are in the cellar. Whether or not there’s a good reason you’re here is outside the bounds of this problem. Three switches in front of you are wired at random to three lights upstairs. You don’t know this house, or at least you know less about it than you thought you did. How do you flip the switches to figure out the wiring?

It’s a simple question. But remember: You can only leave the cellar once.

3. Don’t think about the cellar. Not yet. Take a step back. Imagine you find yourself on a remote island with three types of people: knights, who always tell the truth; knaves, who always lie; and spies, who can say whatever they like. You come across three men. How can you tell which is which through two yes-no questions? Three yes-no questions? Unlimited questions? What if they only want to hear answers? What if the spy just wants you to stop talking?

4. Or: Imagine you are trapped in a room with no windows or doors. The only items in the room are a table, a mirror, and the everlasting Word of God. How do you escape?

(That’s a riddle for kids. Are you getting worse at this? Focus — a lot depends on it.)

5. Back to basics, then. No more imaginary scenarios. Here’s a plain fact: People tend to die around the Winchesters.

Ellen died older than Pamela but younger than Bobby.

Jo died older than Kevin but younger than Pamela.

Who died at the youngest age?

Part 2: Multiple choice

6. What score did you get on your last SAT practice exam? (Note: You can’t leave this question blank. You still remember this bullshit.)

a) 2150 b) 2170 c) 2190 d) 2210 e) 2230

7. What should you have spent your limited time on instead?

a) Chugging Red Bull and playing video games with your friends b) Driving out to California with Channing like you talked about  c) Watching cheesy movies with your mom d) Wandering the lakeshore and taking in the beauty of it all e) Fleeing across the Canadian border

8. Prophet is to God as:

a) Radio is to announcer b) Physicist is to dark matter c) Sketch artist is to suspect d) Flea is to dog e) Seismograph is to earthquake

9. You knew it all would end badly, right?

a) Yes b) Yes c) Yes d) Yes e) Yes

10. It’s best to be prepared. When you imagined this happening, who did you blame?

a) Sam and Dean b) Crowley c) Metatron d) God e) All of the above

11. You’ve read the holy manufacturer’s instructions until your vision blurred. You’ve burnt the requisite offerings to an empty throne and tattooed Enochian words into your skin with a needle and pen. What are your chances of getting through this with your body and mind intact, so to speak?

a) 0% b) 1% c) 3% d) 5% e) 7%

Part 3: Close reading

Questions 12-15 are based on a passage from the Angel Tablet, provided separately.

12. The author includes a description of Heaven (lines 22-26) primarily as a(n):

a) Guide b) Incentive c) Warning d) Justification e) Distraction

13. As used in line 48, “divine” most nearly means:

a) Righteous b) Incomprehensible c) Inhuman d) Blessed e) Fated

14. The passage implies that the creation of new angels is:

a) A purely theoretical exercise b) Only to be undertaken in times of dire need c) A once-regular task that has been neglected d) A recently introduced amendment to established divine law e) Pretty fucking ironic under the circumstances

15. Human is to soul as angel is to:

a) Grace b) Programming c) Power d) Faith e) Cannot be determined from the information provided

Part 4: Short essay

16. Colossians 1:16 states, “For in [God] all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.” Do you believe this is true? Please provide supporting or opposing examples from your personal experience. Will you change your mind if your plan works? Will it be changed for you?

17. What does it mean to be human? Describe it while you still can, and try to commit it to memory. You may need to recall it in the days ahead.

Bonus question: Did you cheat on this exam? Was it worth it? When will you know?

[s11e17]

i feel like a lot of the sam vs. dean dynamic can be better understood when we understand their histories with violence and with agency. like, they both make bad calls and it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. it just means they have completely different approaches to bodily autonomy and consent.

like, if we consider gadreel, right. dean sees staying alive as a duty to your loved ones (e.g. he keeps Bobby in check throughout his suicidality in s6-7 by asking him to stay alive for Dean and Sam), and he sees keeping people alive as the ultimate way to show that you love them (which is why he gets so mad when he finds out sam didn’t look for him when he was in purgatory!). and this is a view sam subscribes to before lucifer — in 2.08, for example, Sam says that staying alive is the best way to honor their dad’s memory.

and then, on the flip side, we’ve got sam. post-lucifer, post-Cage, sam values choice and agency above everything else. his lack of control over his body is pretty explicit from day 1 — the pilot features sam getting kissed without his consent by the woman in white, and it’s a trend that follows him throughout the rest of the show. sam would rather have died than consented to gadreel’s possession — it’s why he says they need to respect castiel’s choice when cas consents to lucifer’s possession in 11.18, even though dean is going absolutely apeshit over the whole situation.

i feel like this boils down to their experiences of possession and agency. sam’s afraid of external forces taking over — demon blood, demonic possession, angelic possession. dean, on the other hand, is afraid of himself — his role as a torturer in Hell, the Mark of Cain, the fact that he blames himself for being coercively attracted to Amara in s11. so they’re both coming at possession from totally different angles.

if we return to gadreel for a sec, sam is clearly thinking of the whole thing as a violation. but dean just sees the violent result (i.e. Kevin’s death) as problematic, and he blames himself for it. he doesn’t see how possession is inherently violating, because he doesn’t have the context for it.

and that’s not his fault! dean’s clearly been through it, i’m not denying that. there’s tons of evidence for Dean as a survivor of sexualized violence (for example, we know based on 7.02 that he encountered vetala, who use sex to lure their prey), and Dean often gets bullied for his “delicate features” (6.01).  I feel like the fact that he has clearly and repeatedly experienced objectification of his body and violations of his consent means that he understands sexual violence as a complicated, difficult thing, and sees it as separate from possession.

the only time possession and sexual violence are conflated for dean is in 9.02, when abaddon makes sexually suggestive comments towards dean while trying to remove his anti-possession tattoo. it’s so exceptional that dean comments on it ("Are we going to fight or make out, because I’m getting some mixed signals here”). it’s the exception that proves the rule — usually possession isn’t tied up with sexual violence, so when it is, it’s noteworthy.

for sam, on the other hand, possession and sexual violence are two sides of the same coin. hallucifer’s offhanded “the rapier wit, the wittier rape” in 7.15 is pretty undeniable, alongside his numerous references to them being “bunkmates” (e.g. 11.10) — undoubtedly, lucifer is sam’s rapist. sam’s relationship with ruby is one of consensual-but-complicated sex. toni uses mind-entering magic in 12.02 to coerce sam into sex, thereby getting information out of him.

anyway. all of this is to say that if we can read either sam or dean with some measure of generosity, we can read both of them with that same level of care. dean’s understanding of possession as only potentially evil is a meaningful one. dean never learns the “lesson” Heaven tried to teach him — he continues to have agency over himself and his body (again, until s14, when Michael’s possession fundamentally changes Dean’s understanding of possession). Possession isn’t bad unless it makes you do something you wouldn’t otherwise do. Sam, on the other hand, understands possession as inherently violating.

i think one of the big themes i’m taking away from this fifteen year long saga is the broad theme of agency and the individual experience of autonomy. “team free will” isn’t just a stupid moniker — it’s an assertion of our main characters’ fundamental understanding of their goals and desires in the world (which explains why the show ends with their triumph over a voyeuristic god). in a post-God context (what a phrase.. ahhh supernatural), we have to wonder what free will on an individual level looks like for both sam and dean. now that all of humanity has "free will," what does individual self-determination look like for the lads???

[deantransgressions2]

13x02 the rising son

21 transgressions. enjoy.

#1: dean criticized sam for wanting to protect jack, and then devalued jack’s entire existence to an “it”.

sam: “look… losing mom and cas, that’s a lot to process, dean, especially on no sleep. and the kid...”

dean: “the “kid”? come on, man, you know how this plays out. kook, when we try to bend the rules, pretend that the bad guys aren’t so bad or that things will get fixed, that’s when people that we care about get hurt. and then we end up doing what we should’ve done in the first place, which is end the problem. so this time, let’s start with the obvious. soon as i find a way to take care of… it.”

time tag: 3:17

#2: after sam failed again to make dean see jack as a child, he tried to make dean see jack as an asset. dean refused to listen or consider any of sam’s insights, and admitted that he is giving up on family, which is something he claims he would never ever ever ever ever do. 

sam: “dean, “the problem” might be our only shot at saving mom.”

dean: “mom’s gone. there’s no fixing that.”

time tag: 3:44

#3: jack was happily watching scooby doo and bothering nobody, so of course dean walked over and scolded him, then turned the tv off. apparently watching tv is illegal now yall!! 

time tag: 9:03

#4: told jack to take the couch and threw a bible at him. luckily, sam isn’t a child murderer and made sure jack felt welcome. sam = good dad. but, dean winchester is already worse of a father than john was. you hate to see it. 

time tag: 9:11

#5: dean criticized jack for eating the exact same way he does. mocking a 3 day old child just for the sake of it, just to make himself feel better. he is pathetic. idk why jack and sam put up with him these next 3 seasons. 

dean: “you can slow down, you know. that’s stuff’s not gonna disappear.”

sam: “ever seen you eat, dean?”

time tag: 10:02

#6: yells at jack for copying his movements. he’s 3 days old...3 days old. 3. 

time tag: 11:35

#7: sam has been rooting for jack to not be evil. he is focusing on WHO jack is not what he is. dean, however, is counting on jack being evil so he can murder him. the confirmation bias is real here. any instance of jack showing humanity dean just tunes it out. this conversation should remind you of dean’s view of sam in s4/5

donatello: “yes, well, not so much anymore. but, uh…look at you. the waves of power… so intense.”

dean: “maybe less human than we thought.”

donatello: “fascinating. you know, i’ve met your father. your power’s nothing like his. not dark, not toxic.”

sam: “that so?”

dean: “not yet.”

time tag: whole time but 15:58

#8: he was a dick to the tattoo artist for no reason expect that he loves to take his anger out on others. 

time tag: 16:44

#9: when in doubt blame sam! when in doubt accuse sam! when in doubt manipulate sam! wooohooo!!!

sam: “so you heard donatello. no evil vibes from jack.”

dean: “proves nothing, except that you’re way too attached to this kid. you need to see this for what it is, okay?”

time tag: 16:54

#10: lessons from our sexist macho man icon:

jack: “it hurt.”

dean: “okay, see, sometimes, things hurt, so you just man up and deal with it.”

time tag: 17:21

#11: some more of dean refusing to listen to other’s correct observations of jack, because there is no changing his mind that jack is evil. he doesn’t need proof that jack is evil, because he doesn’t want it. he wants to murder jack regardless of who he is. dean only cares about WHAT jack is. sigh. 2x03 i miss you. 

time tag: 18:43

#12: dean claimed that since cas loved jack, jack is therefore responsible for his murder. even though it was literally lucifer that murdered cas, not jack. so, using dean’s logic: sam and john killed mary, sam killed jess, dean killed john, sam killed dean, sam and dean and bobby killed jo and ellen, dean killed sam, dean and sam killed cas multiple times, sam and dean killed kevin....etc etc. do you see how fucking stupid dean is being rn?

sam: “okay, look, yeah, jack is on lucifer’s family tree. but we don’t know if that dna is stronger than Kelly’s, or his connection with cas.”

dean: “oh, you mean the connection that got cas killed?”

sam: “i’m just saying, jack doesn’t have to be evil. we can teach him not to be.”

time tag: 18:53

#13: dean called jack ‘the devil’ which made jack so upset he ran away. this is a transgression obviously towards jack, but also towards sam. dean said that a 3 day old child (who literally hasn’t done anything wrong) is the devil. he said it in front of his brother who was tortured by the ACTUAL devil (and michael) for centuries. it’s insensitive and fucked up beyond belief for dean to use his brother’s abuser to try and manipulate him to conform to his beliefs on jack.

NOT TO MENTION that dean is the only member of team free will with absolutely no supernatural abilities at all. he does not understand jack. he does not understand lucifer. dean is the LAST person who should have a say in if jack is good or evil. 

time tag: 19:25

#14: this is a abuse apology. many victims of abuse are manipulated to apologize for them and sympathize with them. this is a prime example of that:

sam: “dean doesn’t hate you. it… look, sometimes the wires in dan’s head get crossed and...and he gets frustrated, and then he mixes frustration with anger, and...and fear.”

jack: “why would he be afraid?”

sam: “because dean feels like it’s his job to protect everyone.”

time tag: 20:45

#15: did the writers include this scene to emphasize that dean is john (but worse)....because that’s exactly what it did. 

bartender: “i hated my old man. I ran away myself. see, my mom would never stick up for me. but…you know kids. no matter what, they still want the old man’s approval. well, that’s how it was with me, just…”

dean: “you know, that’s, uh, that’s how it was with me, too.” 

i’m not sure what dean is referring to here because based on what the bartender is saying, sam would relate more to her story than dean but ok! sure! pity party time needs no logic

time tag: 22:17

#16: sam had to seperate jack and dean in order to protect jack. sam felt that jack was safer with a man that had no soul (donatello), over his own brother. and he was right!

time tag: 23:11

#17: dean made fun of sam and jack by calling jack sam’s “new pal” as a way to not only degrade jack, but also ridicule sam. 

time tag: 27:08

#18: dean is angry that sam isn’t blindly following along with his plans for jack’s death. and everything sam tried to say to get dean out of his child murdering mindset goes in one ear and out the other. 

sam: “point is…if you and i are gonna do this, keep jack on the right side of things, then...then we have to be on the same page.”

dean: “okay. well, that’s the problem, though, sam, ‘cause we’re not on the same page. like, at all.”

sam: “all right. you know what? i know what’s going on here.”

dean: “oh. okay. well, please, tell me, what’s going on here?”

sam: “you thinking mom is gone and cas is gone, and that jack can’t be saved. dean, after everything we’ve gone through… we just lost people we love, people who have been in our lives for a long time. everything’s upside-down. i get it. but we’ve been down before. i mean, rock bottom. and we find a way. We fix it because that’s what we do. and jack w-wants to do the right thing. jack’s scared to death of who he is, and he’s scared of you.” 

you know who else was scared of their father figure? dean. and sam. and now jack. dean stans can hate john all they want but the truth is dean is far worse. they both deserve a special place in hell together

time tag: 27:19

#19: the mental gymnastics it takes to come to this conclusion about jack. to ignore any and all proof that jack isn’t evil. it’s shocking how strongly dean holds onto hate and his need to kill. 

sam: “dean, wait a second. the kid came through for us today. jack saved us.” dean: “no. no, whatever that was, that was a reflex. it was a sneeze. maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us. goodnight.”

time tag: 39:32

#20: dean drove jack to self harm. dean then proceeded to angrily tell him off and call him names for doing so. 

dean: “okay. what the hell? give me that. you...don’t be an idiot. look, a, this is not gonna do anything to you, okay? and b, you… what the hell?”

time tag: 40:35

#21: this is psychological abuse. this is child abuse. this scene is as bad as the panic room of s4. disgusting. and some people actually ship this man with this child’s father (castiel). get help. 

dean: “you know, my brother thinks you can be saved.” jack: “you don’t believe that.” dean: “no, i don’t.”

jack: “so… if you’re right?”

dean: “if i’m right… and it comes to killing you… i’ll be the one to do it.”

time tag: 41:07

[septembersghost]

i saw a post that said dean had to die and sam deserved to live not only because sam had to be "free" but because dean was responsible for every major death in the show. it listed john, bela, ellen and jo, kevin, charlie, mary, crowley, cas, etc as being his "fault." and i was like jess would HATE this. it's so wrong.

the most deranged, sick take in this entire fandom is the idea that Dean had to die to allow Sam to be free...as if he was some monstrous jailer holding sensitive, adjusted, normal person Sam back from having his apple pie life - the life Sam explicitly said multiple times that he no longer wanted, that he willingly had chosen to walk away from, that was never actually where he felt fulfillment or belonging. if anything, it was the other way around (and I do NOT say this as antagonism towards Sam) - Dean always chose Sam over everything, even as a child, even as a teenager, and continually as an adult. Are they mad at and shaming him for selling his soul in All Breaks Loose too? Do they think he should’ve simply allowed his brother’s murder and continued on without him there? Since we’re apparently villainizing him for rescuing Sam’s soul, and later doing whatever he could to save him after the Trials (which, as I’ve discussed here, was a flawed, difficult decision, and he hated it), I guess we should blame him for bringing Sam back and damning himself to hell too? He always put Sam ahead of himself, no matter the cost, and it’s not about morality, it merely is. (Having just seen Bad Boys, let’s take it as an example - you think Dean gives up his happiness, his newfound sense of normality, his achievements in school, his connection with Robin, his first dance, for John and hunting? No. It’s for Sam. The narrative makes it clear it’s for Sam. Sam HIMSELF knows and acknowledges this in the episode itself. And he acknowledges it many times in other situations). It’s a choice with multiple sources and multi-fold ramifications - yes, some of it stems from abuse, some of it stems from John encouraging and using Dean’s caring nature to his advantage, some of it stems from the unfair burden of responsibility that was forced upon him at the age of four, so formative and ingrained that it became a part of his identity, and that he was never allowed to let go. And if you want to look at it in that dark, cruel sense only, you could blame Sam, but it’s not his fault (it’s John’s). That said, it also stems from abiding, unwavering love and connection that is inherent to Dean, that is an essential part of Dean himself, and to take that away is to diminish who Dean is. His choices ARE made of his volition (let’s not deny his own agency when we talk about why he does things).

I say this because, conversely, the same is true of Sam. He’s not some hapless victim locked away by his overbearing brother, he very clearly makes decisions and stays and takes on what he takes on for a reason. As if Sam isn’t as obsessive and relentless when it’s Dean’s life on the line? We see it in Faith, all through S3 (and see especially Mystery Spot and Time Is On My Side), in flashback in S4 (I Know What You Did Last Summer), throughout S10 and S11, during the entire Michael arc in S14. They both take risks and chances and make terrible, fateful decisions for the other.

The idea that either one of them is nothing but some sad, captured soul unwillingly chained to the other (or that one of them is nothing but a sociopathic abuser) is so exhausting and I won’t have it.

This also assumes, somehow, that Dean’s entire raison d'être isn’t established as saving people. Which it is, literally from episode two. As if it isn’t emphasized and fundamental to the narrative that Dean takes action very often for reasons of love.

/breathes

The idea that Dean is to blame for “every” death...I can’t even broach that divide. HOW? How do you even make that work? It’s simply false, and to read the narrative that way...you have to be aiming to hate him. You have to want to hate him so much that you’re willing to erase the entire story and everyone’s characterization to get there. That’s the only answer? You have to be so vicious and so completely imperceptive and unseeing of the actual characters and the actual narrative that you make up a completely untrue one in your head that then twists the characters into cardboard cutouts that they most assuredly are NOT, taking away all complexity, all context, all responsibility and decision, all meaning, to make Dean into the unrecognizable phantom to blame. There were Sam and Cas and Jack stans advocating for suffering and violence and revenge to be perpetrated against Dean throughout S15 (and before), and not only does that do injustice to Dean, it’s also a gross misreading of the characters whom they pretend to be fans of and support. Dean dying and using his last words to comfort Sam and make sure he’s okay and raise him up however he can isn’t new or groundbreaking storytelling, it’s what he’s always done. They wanted him dead and they got what they wanted, and they will now justify it through any means possible, and it's repulsive to me, but honestly it also deeply hurts and I wish I could protect him from it, but I can’t save him from anything that the fandom or ultimately the writers did to him. So all I can do is post love for him every day that I’m on my silly little blog with my silly little words in my silly little corner of the internet for as long as I’m here, and I will. It doesn’t change anything, and it can’t protect him, and there are people with far more reach and influence than I have, I’m just this tiny voice in the massive forest expanse of the fandom, but it keeps some part of his essence aglow and alive, and we love him, and we carry his heart with us, and that matters and will always be true.

[wendibird]

SPN 15X14 Observations

So, for whatever dumbass reason, when trying to use my actual television, the cable refuses to work properly 8 times out of 10. BUT I was able to stream tonight’s episode on my computer with my cable network’s app. So, there’s that. Because of that, and since it’s easier for me to type on my keyboard than on my phone, I actually took quick notes and observations during commercial breaks. Here are those, then some more of my thoughts following. (And I’m sorry if any of these seem a bit incoherent. They were more my observations to myself. *LOL*  

(everything else under the keep reading line since I got a bit rambly, and just in case anyone wants to avoid spoilers)

- Brothers being written a bit like characters of themselves rather than just themselves. (trying too hard?)

- Love Mrs. Butters. Actress really good. And the minor ret-con works with what we've seen.

- Sam more concerned about Jack. I think he understands him better, even though he hasn't seen much of him.

- "Ignoring your trauma doesn't make you healthy." (or something like that.) Good quote!

- Waiting for the catch.

- "Enjoy the world you're fighting for." (compare with Kevin's similar line: "I can't enjoy a world I need to save.")

- Mrs. Butters knows Jack isn't human.

- BOY did the shoe drop! But it was Sinclaire involved. Not surprised he took advantage of her natural protective nature.

- Wanted more plot for WHY exactly they still have Thor's Hammer. Have they had it this whole time? Last we saw Sam dropped it in 8X2. Or did Mrs. Butters conjure it up because they might need it? Was cool though that Sam was using it. Because we already know he can.

- Jack figured out on his own how to use the projector. (love that boy!)

- liked hearing him talk about what happened with Mary and how he feels.

- Mrs. Butters knows from experience about needing "second chances" I think.

- Why were they ALWAYS wearing the same clothes during the "We got one!" montages? Assuming it was supposed to have taken place over several days at least if not longer. (I highly doubt they went out on THAT many hunts in one day.)

- Yeeeah... So I get she's protective, but JACK IS BABY! She can clearly see his power levels but she has to have seen how he he actually IS? But she gave him the smoothies from the start, so she's been planning it from almost the start. Hrm.

- idk what anyone else says, I'm thrilled that Sam and Eileen had a date. Also, THIS is where that sweater-vest comes from. Bet we'll see him going for his gun too. (That clip was hotly debated in one of the discord servers I’m on)

- Dean is obviously still having some issues with Jack, but he also seems to know that they're his personal issues and he knows that Jack is good. (Expanding on this thought post episode, I was seeing this as Dean recognizing the difference between what he knows and what he’s feeling. So, yey! Personal growth!)

- DEAN JACK IS NOT A BATTERING RAM!!!

- Dean sees Jack as a weapon. He used him as a battering ram. He'll use him as a grenade to throw at Chuck. (More on this after the notes.)

- Sam sees him as a person. His argument was that Jack was someone he cared about. That killing him would HURT him.

- Also, did they HAVE to go for the fingernails again?!

- Poor Sam, getting tortured. And being the "favorite" of something bad.

- Also, SAM WAS RIGHT! To be cautious of her at first. Too many times he's had things/people seem good and turn out opposite.

- And because Dean had decided it was all okay, they both stopped looking up on her.

- Maybe Sam will realize that he doesn't always have to follow Dean's lead. He can pursue his own paths. (Not talking about them separating. Just, if he wants to look into something, he should do it. If he wants to follow a different lead, he should check it out.)

- I know he lost a lot of confidence last season but I hope he realizes that he doesn't by default make bad decisions.

- Okay, that was a good resolution. I'm glad she's going back to her people.

- Interdimensional geoscope: Dean saw nothing. Because ALL the other universes are gone. *sad-face*

- Love Sam and Jack. Wish we got a bit more. But it was something.

- Also love that Dean tried. That felt real to me. (the birthday cake)

More thoughts! 

So. Overall I liked this episode. It was lighthearted mostly, but touched on some serious topics and wasn’t completely disconnected with what is going on with everyone, despite the random holiday montage. *LOL* (Yes, I know she wasn’t bending time or anything, she was just choosing to celebrate some holidays with her boys regardless of when this is all taking place exactly.) It did feel a bit to me, at the start anyway, like the writing at least was trying too hard to “Sound like Sam and Dean” instead of just them being them. I mentioned that at the start but what I mean is, in this season especially (but not exclusively) I’ve noticed a lot of times where it feels to me like the writing/directing/whatever leads to the sum total of what we see is trying too hard to present this idea of who the characters are, like caricatures of them. The things associated with them get emphasized, sometimes out of proportion. Though in this episode, it only felt like that during the opening scene and maybe a few places elsewhere. Overall I thought the writing and especially the acting on the parts of the main 3 guys and the guest actor were well done and had a lot of nuance when needed. Like, as an example, when Sam and Dean sussed out that this being that they didn’t even know was a bit behind the times, they were actually pretty gentle with bringing her up to speed. And her reaction to realizing that everyone she knew before was dead felt very real. 

I liked what we saw of where each of the characters were emotionally this episode. It was the first one after Jack has been re-souled and it had definitely been weighing on my mind how everyone was doing. (Though I REALLY wish we could have actually seen Sam and Dean’s reactions to Jack tearfully begging their forgiveness last episode. But lacking any other input, I’m headcannoning that Sam gave him a very long, warm hug.)  

I also agree with Sam, I think there’s something more that Jack hasn’t told them yet, probably some details about Billy’s plan that he or her are sure the brothers won’t like. (Now, what exactly that could be is very much up in the air. I can think of quite a few options, but the details aren’t really important to me just now. Just the fact that something about it is weighing on Jack. More than just Mary’s death and the prospect of having to kill God. Which, in and of themselves would be more than enough.) 

Speaking of Sam, I liked that we saw all those little nods to how he feels about Jack, how he’s still worried about him, and seems to understand him. 

I also get where Dean’s coming from. And I thought it was well-portrayed. And let me just say, I am GLAD that he just outright told Jack where he was at. He didn’t sugarcoat it, but he also didn’t blow up at him, or reply with sarcasm or bring up other, unrelated stuff. Dean knows that Jack is trying, but he himself has some emotional stuff he needs to deal with. That he is dealing with. And it’s going to take him some time. 

I do however stand by my observation made during the episode that at least at that point in it, Dean considered Jack a weapon. An asset. He literally used him as a battering ram, and in a more meta way, he’s planning on using him as a grenade to throw at God. Even when arguing with Mrs. B about it, his response was in reference to Jack’s usefulness. Whereas Sam was arguing that Jack meant something to him, that he cared about him, and hurting Jack would hurt him. Now, I do think that Dean’s POV had shifted a bit by the very end. Dean’s love language has almost always been shown by doing things for people, and taking care of them. So him making that birthday cake for Jack really felt to me like him trying to tell him that he does actually care about him. And I think Jack got it. And true, the cake might not have been as neat and pretty as Mrs. B would have made it, but I thought it was beautiful because of all the thought that went into it. (Dean’s more of a cook than a baker too.) 

As a side note, something I thought about after the episode: when Mrs. B stepped in, she kind of took over that care-taker role. AND the research role. She made them lunches, cooked them dinners, decorated for holidays, and overall made them feel comfortable and safe. And she also pin-pointed where monsters were and made sure they were all stocked-up and ready to go. All they had to do was show up and get it done. And yeah, it must have been a nice break from the norm. But I also think about how much Dean finds his identity beyond hunting in taking care of people. And how much Sam finds his identity in researching and figuring things out. And with her doing that, they both took it easy on those ends. Dean didn’t have to make burgers for everyone since Mrs. B made a roast. Sam didn’t have to research since she could tell them where the monsters were and what kind. I almost wonder if both of them were starting to feel like those parts of themselves were all of a sudden unnecessary. (Which makes me a little sad, because it reminds me a bit of the “two cakes” concept in fandom. Who cares if someone else can “do it better”? If you do it, then there’ll be even more of the good thing!)  And as I observed above, Sam also stopped looking into HER. I mean, he didn’t even know what would kill a wood nymph. And I do think part of that also goes back to him having recently fallen back on letting Dean make the big decisions. Because last season so many of his blew up in his face. (Though I don’t think most of that was his fault. But Sam tends to blame himself for a lot.) And I do hope that maybe he’ll remember that he does have good instincts when he listens to them. And he can keep looking into something even if Dean thinks it’s fine. It’s not a betrayal to be prepared. 

ALSO! Being the absolute Saileen hoe that I am, even though we didn’t Eileen in this episode, I was thrilled that Sam went out on a date with her because she was in town! And true, we don’t know what all went down, but regardless, I see it as good that they’re at the very least still friends, and that hopefully Eileen is sorting out her own feelings vs whatever she might think could be Chuck’s manipulations. Even if Saileen isn’t Engame (and honestly, as much as I love it, I don’t think it will be) I would still like for them to be on good terms with each other. (And for her to NOT get fridged again!) 

Another thing I was pondering afterwards and a bit during: I wasn’t surprised that Sam held up to the torture fairly well. I mean, it still obviously hurt! (And again, WHY with the fingernails again?! As someone in one of my discord servers mentioned, we didn’t need THAT particular call-back to the Christmas Episode of Season 3!) But he was listening to what she was saying. And he understood the implications that she had been tortured into acting how they wanted her to act. And Sam understands torture, and how it can mess someone up. And despite what she had done to him, and was trying to still do, he validated what she had been through. He empathized with her. And that.... it’s just SO Sam! 

I will say that the resolution felt a little... abrupt. Like, her expression had changed a little during the fight/argument. Then back from the commercial break and she’s all packed-up and ready to leave and they’re all saying goodbye and wishing her well. I feel like there might have been some more scenes or parts of scenes that were originally there connecting things up more, but were cut for time.

I wouldn’t say this was a groundbreaking episode, but it WAS fun, and it did have some seriousness at it’s core, and I think it did what it needed to do. 

(And I apologize if this is just a big rambling mess. I’m not used to doing structured episode reviews. *LOL* Feedback and opinions are welcome though!) 

[sara78]

Thank you, Supernatural

I don't think a simple thank you can cover everything these boys have done for me, for many of us out there.

For lots of people, supernatural is just a show.

But for me and for lots of other people it means many more.

Let's be honest, this year sucked.

2020 for me started empty. I would wake up every morning with emptiness in me, because one person I really looked up to and loved with all my heart, my grandpa, suddenly died in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything but watch. Even though everybody thought I bounced back from that really fast and adapted to it, it was just my very well built mask. I didn't want them to know. That maybe wasn't the right thing to do, since I for sure wasn't the only one mourning, but I just got used to throwing out masks and smiles whenever it was a bad day because they usually wouldn't understand why am I upset and would tell me to stop being a crybaby.

The fact that I lost my grandpa who was my father figure, who raised me up and was the only one who ever supported me and had my back, tore me apart. I was aware I will never go and spend summer breaks in village with him, I will never be able to watch "Only fools and horses" with him on TV.

It just couldn't settle.

And then, the Corona virus happened.

Let me be honest, school and certain people in it helped me with mourning. A lot. Being able to focus on schoolwork, studying, projects, it took my mind of for a brief time. But then, we were all of a sudden closed in our houses because of this whole situation and I didn't thought it was going to be this painful for me.

I was always thinking "Meh, I rarely went out anyways, I got used to being home" but the fact that I was back in the apartment where my grandpa died, and the fact that I woke up every morning and went to the living room to see an empty bed and a turned off TV, instead of him sitting there, reading the newspaper while waiting for a certain TV show on the TV... It didn't feel like home.

I closed in my room. Most of the days I would spend by trying to figure out everything about school, who's using what platform etc. Soon enough, my mother, a nurse in city hospital, told me that she will be transfered to work on a Covid part of it.

I didn't really think it would change anything, but hell, was I wrong.

Every day, she would come pissed from work. She would scream at me, yell at me, blame me for whatever happened in her shift, blamed me for everything that wasn't in my power.

Listening to constant hate from her never had such an impact on me. She would usually do that but grandpa would always be there and talk to me. My mom would usually go to my grandma to see her and talk to her about her troubles at work, but she couldn't risk going to her place, so she decided to obviously, yell and scream at me, thinking I don't bother because I never showed it.

She would just randomly slam the door of my room open and start telling me I'm a terrible daughter, that I don't want to do anything, that I'm useless, that people will never love me, that I'm stupid etc. Those words now started to settle down in me and started piling up. Day by day, the pile became bigger and bigger and I was in a darker place than ever before.

I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't want to bother and others had problems too, much bigger then this one.

I was really desperate. I needed a way to get out.

One of those days, I called one of my good friends, and asked him to tell me something that he likes to watch, or to play. I needed a run from reality and I decided to find it in a video game or a TV show.

That's where supernatural came.

April 5th, 2020.

Just when I thought this year would never get better, it did.

I tested the waters with the pilot - he told me that I would like the show since I was a fan of The X Files and Scooby-doo. He was right. It took me one episode, and Dean's famous "Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days" to get me hooked.

Every day, I would turn on the show and would run away from reality. Every time it all became too much, I would watch them. Soon enough it felt like home. Those boys going around the country, hunting, having each other's backs, it really was unique and interesting to see how well they worked together.

As the show progressed and the boys went more mature, I started feeling better. I wouldn't have dark thoughts, I wouldn't feel empty anymore. Even though I could never talk with them in person, their presence helped me deal with my grandpa's death and my mother's sick obsession of blaming me for everything.

Sam and Dean taught me to stand up for myself. That's what I did. I stood up for myself and told my mother to stop being such a fuss and blame me for whatever happened to her on work because I'm no God (Chuck now 😂) and I'm not controlling anything. She was at first pissed when I talked back to her yelling but soon she stopped as well. I don't know where did she take out all of that anger and I honestly don't care. As long as it wasn't me, I didn't care.

Sam and Dean taught me that nobody really dies. Well, those boys never seemed to stick to that title. But the ones who did, as for example their dad, mom, later on Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Ash, Crowley, Rowena, Jack, Kevin,... You shouldn't think about how you lost them, about how you will never get to see them again. You should remember and cherish the moments you got to spend with them, and to be grateful that you were able to spend time with them. I started watching at grandpa's death from another point of view. Instead of missing him, I remembered him. Whenever I felt that feeling of empty, I would take our photo album and watch our photos together. I would read my old diary entries in which I wrote about how he took me to a fair and bought me a gigantic burger. Instead of tears, I would smile and be happy for being able to spend the time of my life with him and was grateful for making me who I am.

Sam and Dean taught me that family don't end with blood. But it doesn't start there either. I started taking better care of my friends, tried to talk to them more, ask them more often how they felt. I knew how bad I wanted someone to ask me that when I was in a bad place and I knew someone would appreciate that. But as well, I opened up more to some of them. It really felt nice, knowing that they don't care that you're broken and that they are more than ready to help you deal with whatever you need to.

I binge watched the whole show in about 4 months. I watched the boys grow up, and so did I. I learned so much from them, I loved them for who they are, I cried and laughed with them, I was scared and happy with them, I would stay up late at night just thinking about Dean and Sam and whatever they were dealing at the moment or rant to my friend who never even watched the show about how much I love Castiel for being who he is.

Also, I fell in love with the actors. Jensen, Jared, Misha, later on Mark Sheppard, Alex Calvert,... I laughed for hours when watching their panels, comic-cons and other interviews they did. I learned about the always keep fighting campaign, and much much more.

I was happy to be in this fandom.

And so, I want to thank them for giving us the opportunity to watch Sam and Dean's adventures. I want to thank Jensen, Jared and Misha for sticking with the show for years, for giving us a ticket for the most wild and exciting ride that will always be a great, bright memory in our lives.

You guys left a legacy behind, a big legacy. As long as there's us out there, you will never be forgotten. The show will never be forgotten as long as there's people to remember it and talk about it, write fanfictions about it, re-watch it, laugh about it.

The show might be ending, but what it's left behind, that never ends. This family the show has built, there is no other like this one. There's no other Fandom like ours. This fandom is much more than just a fandom. This fandom is also a place where everyone is welcome, there is no judgments, no hate. This fandom is a family. A legacy. Not much shows can say that they've left a legacy behind. Right?

As much as I am sad the show's ending, I'm happy it happened. I'm happy I got to see 15 seasons of it, knowing many shows don't make it past 10. I'm happy I got to see Team Free Will kicking names and taking asses.

So, don't cry because it's over. Smile, because it happened. Part of a journey is the end, but then, nothing really ends.

Carry on... ❤️

[sastielsfandom]

Road Trip, Season Nine, Episode Ten (Part 1)

I was rewatching Road Trip and unlike the first time I watched this episode, I was watching a bit closer. What caught me off guard was Cas. I mean Dean was also throwing me off as well, but for the majority of season nine, Dean confused me with his actions.

If you haven’t watched season nine yet, or haven’t made it to episode ten of season nine, I don’t recommend reading this, there’s a lot of spoilers.

Also fair warning, I may be overanalyzing this episode too much. So perhaps some points might have been accidental, but I still included them since I found evidence to back up my point. Also, any interpretation is valid in its own way, this is simply a deduction from this particular episode.

Now, despite the fact that Sam and Cas don’t interact until the end of the episode, and Gadreel was controlling Sam for the majority of the episode, I found a lot of Sastiel feeling moments. Of course, you can read this without thinking of it as being romantic, but platonic I don’t mind doing what you want with my analysis of this episode. If you disagree with it or want to add on to this, feel free to.

My main point of this is showing how protective Cas was in this episode. To showcase how important Sam is to Cas, and how Cas tends to show this a lot more when Sam isn’t around. With all that said and done, let’s get started.

The episode starts off with an incredibly emotional Dean who is dealing with Kevin’s death. I am not surprised that he feels guilty, and is getting prepared for revenge. I am surprised that he is willing to kill the imposter in Sam after going through a lot to prevent Sam from being hurt in the first place.

That’s not my focus though, my focus is Cas and how he is responding to this information. (One day I plan on doing a deep dive with Dean, not this episode but an analysis of Dean and how he copes. But as for now, we’re focusing on Cas.)

As Cas comes in, back in his usual attire looking better than he did at the end of episode nine, the mess surrounding Dean is quite eye-catching. Which prompts Cas to ask what had happened, which Dean does get into a sit-down.

I believe Cas had an inkling that this was going to be a heavy discussion, Dean was not only alone, but packing items that aren’t used for a typical hunt, such as an angel blade, and the tablet that Kevin has been attached to since he became a prophet.

The next scene is panned to the two finishing the conversation, where Cas is being understanding and apologizes to Dean for his troubles. The conversation they did have was about Dean letting an angel into Sam’s vessel in order to save Sam without his consent. In consequence of this, the angel had lied to Dean and took over Sam’s body, sadly leading to Kevin’s death. One that Dean takes full blame for, which we’ll discuss again, but for now, I’ll move on.

While Cas is being respectful, understanding, and as supportive as he could be, Dean is being the opposite. Dean is quite snappy, emotional, regretful, and angry, not quite the opposite of Cas but is quite different from Cas.

For example, Cas is apologizing with what I believe a bit of guilt (he is the one who told Dean Ezekiel was a trustworthy angel, unknown to him though Ezekiel had passed during the fall.) and Dean’s response was, “Sorry doesn’t pay the bills now does it?”

No matter Dean’s attitude, this isn’t what worries Cas. His demeanor stays relatively the same during this conversation until Cas asks a question about the identity of this angel, in hopes Dean knows. The shift is when Dean answers Cas with, “Dead man walking.”

The tone, expression, and pace of the scene all change. This first photo is before any major flags are raised, it’s where he is apologizing to Dean as a matter of fact. They’re both sitting, the conversation is more hesitant leaving the flow to be much slower, and the expressions are much more somber and apologetic.

As for the second photo, the shock is quite present, the conversation picks up as they begin to somewhat argue, and you can hear anger, and disbelief in Castiel’s voice. Cas even pushes in a more mocking manner, “What are you going to destroy him?” This is incredibly far fetched to Cas, this is supposed to be the man who went to Hell for his brother, and is the reason angels began to engage with humanity again, is now going to murder his brother as a solution to avenge Kevin? I can easily understand why Cas doesn’t believe this, as I was thinking along the same lines.

All it took was two words for Castiel to realize how serious, and far gone Dean is right now, and if he doesn’t help argue for Sam’s sake, the next hunter funeral will be Sam’s. “Damn right.”

Even as he begins to warn Dean, “If you kill an angel the vessel dies too.” Which flowed out of his mouth way quicker than his question about who the angel who is currently controlling Sam. keeping with my point of the shift in pace. My evidence for his facial expressions shifting are the two photos below:

While this interaction has been quite serious since Cas had walked in, the reality of the situation is now hitting Cas. Which you can see in these photos. I have to praise Misha for conveying masterfully.

Dean who has been standing since Cas apologized turned around for this, although I’m not showing or talking much about Dean’s (or Jensen’s) obvious turmoil in this scene it should be noted that he’s been moving around, turning away from Cas, which I feel makes it easier on the two to discuss this. With that said, Dean turned around to tell Cas, “You think I don’t know that?” Almost scolding Cas for his obvious statement, which in turn has Cas looking down almost like or is shame showing by his eye contact drop to the table briefly during Dean’s attention.

I like this shift between these two photos. The first photo is similar to a scolded child while the second one is someone gaining or trying to gain confidence for what is about to be said. Another thing I would like to note is Cas licking his lips in the second photo.

I missed this small action several times, and there is the possibility Misha isn’t aware of this movement, but as I said before, I am interpreting this how I perceived it, and I do have some logical evidence to back up this note, so even if this is a stretch it has evidence.

There are three main reasons people lick their lips, two obvious, more well-known reasons are chapped lips, and sexual intentions/desires.

I am aware of Misha and in default Castiel, appear to have chapped lips frequently, therefore the first reason could fit; however, I see lips that would not need to be licked for moisture. Debunking this reason completely, unless you want to argue habit but even to that I would say it’s not frequent enough to be a strong rebuttal.

Moving onto the next possibility, sexual intent. As much as some people want me to say this is, in fact, the case, I can’t see it being so. Regardless what people seem to believe, there is a lot of evidence, such as this episode, that disproves the theory that Cas only cares about Dean or an even worse theory that Castiel’s drive to help Sam is only done as a way to “woo” Dean, or “please” him. It is quite obvious Cas cares for Sam and would rather not see him dead, he is one of the people who helped revive Sam, it would be backward for him to forget Sam and decide to “pounce” on Dean in this moment of vulnerability. It also doesn’t fit the scene at all. Perhaps if they were talking about a lighter subject and have shared some banter I could possibly see this being Castiel’s way of trying to progress their friendship into something more, but this isn’t a lighter scene, and Cas’ sex drive at this moment is more likely to be nonexistent as would Dean’s be.

Leaving me with the third, Cas is self-soothing himself. From the expression, context, and knowledge of where this conversation progresses, I would say this is the strongest contender. This also won’t be the only time we see a moment where Cas is possibly using a self-soothing technique.

Going back to the photo and the theory of becoming courageous, it makes sense that while you are trying to be courageous you’ll have nerves you’ll want to repress. Subconsciously or not. Meaning, the expression matches.

Does it fit the context? Yes, this is a tense conversation between two close friends talking about the possible demise of another friend/brother which they would be responsible for. Self-soothing is a must to push through this conversation.

With the expression and context matching, it leaves the knowledge of progression. Does this still fit? Once again, it does. Not only does Cas argue with Dean, but Cas also shows another moment where he appears to be soothing himself again. This conversation doesn’t dwindle down for a bit and the tension doesn’t leave this episode. It carries through for a while. Even without the knowledge of what occurs next, this action fits with self-soothing the best.  

Back to my main points, as Cas has times to think and soothe himself to a degree, Dean is at a breaking point, both mournful and angry he explains his side which is, “If I don’t end Sam...And that halo burns him out and I…” Dean gives Cas a look of you know where this ends and what I mean.

Cas seems to once again be battling with himself. It’s not that he doesn’t understand why Dean is planning to kill his brother, it's that he can’t accept the idea. Cas has never been able to accept the idea once he considered Sam his friend. Which was established early on when Anna was still alive and proposed Sam’s death as a solution. (Once again, I’m amazed at the emotion Misha can show with subtly it doesn’t show as much as it does in motion, but you can still see it.)

Dean with his head down admits, “I was so damn stupid.” You can see the moment, where Cas is ready to say his piece and literally rises to it by standing up. Take into consideration that this these next few photos, Cas is standing to tell Dean, “You were stupid for the right reasons.”

His mix of emotions stays relatively the same however, confidence is added onto the layer of emotions. Further proving my previous note. Despite the fact he called Dean stupid, it isn’t will ill intent and is said in a gentle like manner. Cas could have exploded, insulted Dean with ill intent. Instead, he is staying in a calm tone while he tries to reason with Dean.

Dean doesn’t take into account, in his own self-pity which is plenty understandable, as he says, “Yeah, like that matters.”

There is more to this episode, this is only six minutes in, but it is the end of part one due to Tumblr’s limitations. As I warned before this is going to be a long segment.

[kylermalloy]

My Official Unofficial Ranking of Supernatural Seasons That Nobody Asked For

This was...surprisingly easy. For someone who has a hard time picking favorites, I’m apparently quite eager to throw some seasons of one of my favorite shows under the bus.

My reasonings for this ranking are...all over the place. Since I’m considering seasons as a whole, I look mostly at the overall narrative structure, the prevalent themes, and the major character arcs. I won’t take individual/one-off episodes into much consideration...except for when I do. I won’t like some seasons/story arcs for any rationale between “this was sloppily executed,” “the message is misunderstood by viewers,” or even just that gif of Chris Evans “I don’t wike it.” I’m trying to look at seasons and storylines objectively, but I guarantee my Sam!girl bias will peek through at some point. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any point after I post this!

From bottom to top:

14 - Season 14

Ah, the twilight years of SPN. Now that we know this is the penultimate season, I’m a bit more lenient toward its shortcomings. Long running shows usually do stutter to a halt, story-wise. But still. I’m not taking it out of the bottom spot.

What was this season even about? Michael overtaking Dean? Nah, that barely lasted three whole episodes. Jack becoming evil? Not until the last six episodes. Team Free Will becoming a cohesive family unit? Lol. For a season that tried to set up Jack’s evil arc as a kid betraying his family, I hardly saw this “family” except in fanworks. The most heartfelt moments remained between Sam and Dean (not that I’m complaining about that—I loved those moments!) Was there an overarching theme besides “nobody is okay, especially Sam”? Season 14 is clumsy, unfocused, and does a poor job of telling the story it tried to tell. Even Mary’s second death reeked of “well, we didn’t know what to do with her and we needed a tragedy.” Oh yeah, and John was back for a hot minute.

13 - Season 9

Here’s one of these weird seasons. I like it, but I don’t. It’s well done, but it’s terrible. Also, I’m taking fan response into consideration on this one, since it colored my perception of it so negatively.

Season 9 could have been great. In a way, it was great. It was Dean’s dark arc—the part of Dean’s dark arc that I like. I’m not here to debate, just lay out the story. Dean stepped over a line. He tricked Sam into possession, lied to him for months, then refused to apologize afterward. He took the Mark of Cain as a penance, but it blew up in his face and turned him into something worse than he was before.

This is where fan response comes in. Fandom (from what I can tell; I wasn’t here back then) vilified Sam for setting boundaries with Dean, overwhelmingly siding with poor Dean who just didn’t want to be alone. The show, on paper, wasn’t trying to make the audience think this, but the POVs were skewed in such a way that we hardly got a chance to see Sam’s perspective and Sam’s trauma—so casual viewers didn’t really have a choice.

On a completely unrelated note (see, this is why this season is ranked so low) we have the angel storyline. What could’ve been a really cool and impactful story of celestial beings walking the earth, as well as Castiel exploring his new humanity in a way (that wasn’t just about sex) ended up a trite, dull affair about underdeveloped politics and characters I don’t care about. Did Metatron (the supposed big bad) even care about the Winchesters? I can’t remember. Only the actor’s indulgently entertaining performance saves that character. Even Castiel’s human arc was so short and ignored I sometimes forget it happened. This was a season that was so all over the place—good bones, bad execution.

12 - Season 12

This season is just...forgettable. Yet another season that was so all over the place—but unlike season 9, the story arcs did not culminate in a cool twist that pushed the SPN story to new heights. We had the BMOL, Mary’s return, and the Lucifer/Kelly/Dagon/nephilim story, and...honestly I can barely remember anything about them. The twisting story threads got interlocked at some points, like Mary working with the BMOL, and Sam and Dean working with them to take down Lucifer, but the threads were all wrapped up independently. To me, this suggests a lack of true investment in the stories and season arcs. Ultimately, Mary’s return was utterly wasted, the BMOL might as well have never existed, and the Lucifer storyline is a bloody, bloated carcass being dragged along behind the show by a fraying rope (called Buckleming) complete with a bad smell.

The reason I rank this season above season 9 is that I don’t shudder when I hear people talking about season 12. I don’t generally get angry when I think about it (except the way they did Crowley dirty) and it did give us Jack, the greatest fanon projection the show has ever given us. (I’ll elaborate on that in a minute)

11 - Season 10

This is the season in which I don’t like Dean’s dark arc. By that I mean...it wasn’t much of a dark arc. Instead of exploring Dean’s inner darkness and the choices that led him to take the MoC, we get a meandering season of (pretty enjoyable) one-offs. We are repeatedly told Dean can’t fight off what he truly is—except we’re also being told that Dean can’t truly control what the MoC is doing to him, meaning the MoC isn’t what he truly is. It’s a mixed message, and it ends up being too many episodes in a row of Dean staring moodily at his arm while he drinks. Sorry, an ancient tribal tattoo does not a compelling big bad make.

Speaking of bad guys, though, season 10 gave us Rowena! And more Crowley material! And the Stynes—wait, no. We don’t talk about...whatever they were.

I do like Sam’s determination to save Dean, and I even like the underhanded methods he used to get the MoC off. Charlie’s death was a horrifying shock, but it actually fed the story very well. And I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about individual episodes, but Soul Survivor and Fan Fiction are both epic.

10 - Season 8

...this season. This season is such a mixed bag you could almost rank it as two separate seasons! ;) This was Jeremy Carver’s first season as showrunner—and while I like what he ended up doing, I hated the way he played with the brother dynamics throughout the season, especially the first half. Season 8 starts out disjointed, very unconnected from the previous season. The story thread of “Sam didn’t look for Dean” is overplayed and very tired. Also a bit of a reach, considering the season 5 finale. My point is, Sam and Dean both act like pod people for the first part of this season. Dean is mad at Sam for...doing exactly what Dean himself did a few years ago (fandom misses the nuance of Dean’s hypocrisy and jumps right in the blame-Sam boat with him) and Sam is suddenly...living with a strange woman we barely get to meet and okay with not hunting anymore?

This is another example of the skewed POVs hurting the show’s message. We don’t get to see Sam’s grief the same way we saw Dean’s struggle in purgatory, and since Sam’s Amelia arc makes very little sense anyway, we’re forced to imagine it—and this is a disservice to both Sam and the overarching story.

However, the saving grace of season 8 is the second half. We get the bunker, the Trials storyline, which is a whump goldmine for my Sam-loving heart, and one of the best season finales this show has ever produced. I mean...they got married. In a CHURCH! I’m not really a wincester, but seriously how do you not ship it just a little when the show gives you stuff like THAT?!

*deep breath* I’m good. Moving on!

9 - Season 13

I...have a soft spot for this season. Anybody who follows me on here can probably guess why. That’s right, it’s Jack, the greatest fanon projection the show has ever gifted us.

Let me explain. The narrative structure of the season is a mess. The exploratory theme of Sam and Dean as parents is derailed by the fact that Sam and Dean spend less than six episodes with their surrogate child and spend the rest of the season spinning their wheels until it’s time for the finale. Lucifer as a villain doesn’t give a crap about the protagonists, which makes him a really boring and terrible antagonist—to say nothing of the fact that two of the writers try to make him sympathetic and end up assassinating the character harder than Michael!Dean did. I only found Scoobynatural mildly entertaining. As for Asmodeus...who’s that?

Basically, the only shining light in this season besides the brothers is Jack. And we don’t even get a consistent characterization of him. He’s essentially a blank slate, which means we as fans and fanwork creators get to make him whatever we want. While he’s supposedly the Winchesters’ kid in canon, it’s rarely shown—that falls on us as fans to make a reality. And boy do we make it reality! This is where I found my corner of fandom, and that’s why this mess of a season ranks relatively high for me. Still in the bottom half, but it gave me one of the greatest gifts the show has ever given.

8 - Season 7

I shouldn’t have to defend myself, but while most of the fandom harbors a little black spot of hatred for this season...I don’t. Like, at all.

I don’t agree with all the creative choices of this season—the Leviathans were an out-of-nowhere big bad with no connection to the Winchesters. However, the guy who played Dick Roman did a fantastic job hamming it up. And I love how all the pieces came together in the end—Sam and Dean, Cas, Crowley, even Meg as a surprise reluctant hero. We also got Charlie! And Kevin! Bobby got a fantastic arc, both before he died and from beyond the grave. And Crowley, even though he helped win the day, also rigged the game so he took all the pieces left on the board. Mad respect for my king.

Also, as a stalwart fan of Sam whump, Sam’s hallucination storyline was all kinds of awesome. (Except for how it abruptly ended and was never spoken of again)

I know objectively this season isn’t very good, but I still find myself rewatching it a surprising amount. I have a soft spot for Sera’s storytelling, and she did not have complete control over the creative decisions for this year. Season 7 only barely misses out of the top half.

7 - Season 3

This season is great, it really is. I think the main reason I rank it so low is because of the shortened season—Sam’s aborted arc. And that was obviously out of everyone’s control; the creators had to just pick up the pieces and make do with what circumstances gave them.

Basically, I don’t have anything bad to say about this season. It’s a brother-lovefest, it gives us Bela and Ruby, and yes we get some truly great one-off eps. Bad Day at Black Rock, A Very Supernatural Christmas, Mystery Spot, Jus in Bello, and Ghostfacers are among my favorite episodes to rewatch. I just mainly miss the end of Sam’s arc. Although I do appreciate the writers’ strike giving us Castiel instead, I still wish we could’ve gotten to see boyking!Sam save his brother.

6 - Season 2

While on the surface season 2 is barely different than season 1, it also gives us loads of gamechangers. It’s the coming-of-age season—Sam and Dean aren’t kids anymore; in fact, they aren’t anyone’s kids. The season bookends of John’s death and Sam’s death make a horrible tragedy that I don’t even care much what’s in the middle.

But then again, everything in between is so good. There’s not much of an overarching story, just a sense of dread and desperation as...something...draws near. (We don’t even know what it is, but it still scares us! It’s masterful!) The tone is consistent and effective, the brother dynamics are still balanced enough to fully enjoy, and of course...there’s Playthings. :)

(Y’all are gonna stop believing me when I say I’m not a wincester, I can feel it. What can I say, I have incestuous shipping tendencies.)

5 - Season 11

This is a season that I could tear limb from limb for falling so flat in the end, but...somehow I can’t bring myself to. I didn't find myself into the Amara storyline too much, mainly because the God/Darkness sibling dynamic wasn’t developed enough to parallel with Sam and Dean invest in. But this season does an awesome job of healing the brother dynamics. While seasons 8, 9, and 10 were fight-heavy, Sam and Dean spend this season in relative peace. In times of potential crisis, they band together instead of fracturing apart. And that, honestly, is enough for me to forgive...well, a lot, plotwise. The Dean/Amara connection that went nowhere, the Casifer storyline that went nowhere, the Darkness’s grudge against her brother that...went nowhere...and I’m not even going to touch on the Sam/Lucifer dynamic that started out SO GOOD and then...well...

Again, I’m not going to touch on it. I love this season despite its flaws.

4 - Season 1

Here it is. The season that started it all. I said I was going to consider mostly narrative structures for this ranking, yet here season 1 is without much of a narrative structure, fourth from the top.

The first season of a show is always the feel-around-in-the-dark season. This is where we learn the rules of the show, how the world works, and most importantly, who our characters are. We spend 22 episodes with the writers and actors just...figuring out who Sam and Dean are, most especially who they are to each other. They were so successful in this that they spawned a fifteen year phenomenon centered around this fraternal love story. As an additional plus, since the characters were so new, season 1 gives us the most balanced POV between the brothers. We get to feel for both of them without being pitted against each other, and I appreciate that more than words.

The horror is old-school, the storytelling can be a bit cliche, but every show has an origin story and I’m in love with this one.

3 - Season 6

Again, I love Sera Gamble’s storytelling. It’s most evidenced here in her first year of showrunning. This season had the astronomical task of following up season 5. How do you follow up the literal apocalypse?

...Astoundingly well. To me at least.

This season’s narrative structure is my favorite. It’s kind of a noir thriller, with more twists and turns than Supernatural usually gets. In fact, having now watched Vampire Diaries and The Originals, season 6 of SPN kind of echoes those shows. (I don’t think it’s coincidence that TVD aired its first season one year prior to this)

Instead of trying to outdo the literal devil (the mistake of latter seasons) we spend most of season 6 not knowing who the big bad is. We meet a few baddies, get backstabbed by former friends, and we’re told Raphael is a threat, but in the end the big bad was the friend we made along the way—Castiel. It’s depressing, it’s not what we expected, and it’s honestly a departure from “traditional” SPN. But I like it. I like it a lot. If Sera had been allowed to do more seasons like this, she probably would’ve stayed longer.

2 - Season 4

I love a lot of things about this season. The way they handled the angels was great—the right way to do unknowably powerful beings. I like Sam’s dark arc. It’s coupled perfectly with his good intentions and his all-consuming love for his brother. The plot twist at the end is perfect—Sam, in doing the right thing, unleashes the worst evil this world has (yet) known.

The tone is also perfect. It’s dark. A little edgier. Edging toward eldritch horror rather than ghost horror. Balanced out with light episodes that pack a hard punch in the feels regardless. And this is a little thing, but the color grading shifts back to more sepia after the technicolor of season 3. It gives us this little sense of dread throughout the season without even knowing why.

I could complain about the skewed POVs, about how fandom still sometimes crows “Dean was right about Lilith!” when all Dean opposed was Ruby and the demon blood—he wanted killed Lilith too. But as this instance of POV-warp serves the storyline in a good, necessary way, and Sam truly did need to be brought back from his dark path, I’m choosing to ignore it.

1 - Season 5

Are we surprised? Maybe some Sam fans are—I know some who get vexed about the blame for the apocalypse being solely and constantly placed on Sam...but I’m not. The overall story of season 5 is just so good. Lucifer is a good villain in this season. Sam and Dean have an excellent healing arc. The angels are good villains, also ironic mouthpieces of the overarching themes—despite touting “fate” and “unavoidable,” they are champions of free will, since they do whatever they want in their father’s absence. Zachariah most notably. Castiel was utilized in a good way (whereas now he struggles to still have purpose in the show) Bobby and Crowley both were good in this season (and also sparked a rarepair that’s—hilariously—canon) and this season did not pull any punches when it came to death. Even the main protagonists were shot point-blank halfway through the season! (Don’t talk to me about the samulet, I can’t do it without bawling)

And Swan Song remains my favorite season finale and overall episode. Dean relinquishing control of his little brother, allowing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of the world. I still halfway wish the series ended with Sam and Dean both throwing themselves into the Cage, destroying themselves for the world, out of love for each other. (insert “poetic cinema” meme)

And there we have it! To my mutuals, I’d love to hear your thoughts or your rankings. And to @letsgobethegoodguys - Steph, since this was so hard for you, I did it myself so I could feel your pain. 😘

[dotthings]

Let’s talk about Dean lashing out at Cas and his line “you’re dead to me,” in context of the current situation and what we know and have seen from Dean as a character. This kind of lashing out when Dean is in a great deal of pain, most often because he is terrified of losing, or has lost, someone he loves, is consistent for the character.

No it’s not OOC. No, SPN does not hate Dean. No, it’s not “abusive” and I wish to hell all the TFW lanes would wake up and realize the way some carelessly slap that “abusive” label onto Dean, or onto Cas, or onto Sam, trivializes abuse and hurts fans who are abuse survivors and who relate to the TFW characters for very good reasons. Unhealthy coping mechanisms or way too harsh, or misguided, they do hurt each other. Nothing in me idealizes the TFW relationships or characters and there are all kinds of problems in that familial team which I have blogged about here for actual years. They do have some repeat/cyclical behavior. 

They also have character development and I’ve watched as they grow more self-aware and lesson some of their more unhealthy coping mechanisms and grow more honest with each other. It’s one reason I love S14 so much, it’s so character driven and the characters are vocalizing so much more honestly than they used to. I’ve waited so long for SPN to do a season with this tone. Each of them still makes mistakes but they seem increasingly quicker to realize it, to fully confess to each other what they were thinking, and vocalize their motives. In Dabb era in particular I’ve noted how some things I was used to extrapolating in earlier seasons, things that were tacit in the story, in the build of the characters, are now more often in addition to the story showing it, also being vocalized by the characters themselves.

Character development is good and it is sad when they slip back into unhealthy coping mechanisms again, but they are by nature imperfect characters and in fact those flaws are part of why we love them. So much as they progress, it’s not going to be all self-acceptance sunshine and roses and nothing but mutual understanding and kindness. So long as I am also seeing character development, I’m not going to hit the ceiling every time they mis-step.

Stuff you need to put my post in further context: 

I’m speaking here as someone who writes a lot on Cas pov as well as Dean pov. I’m not someone who bashes the others in Team Free Will and only talks about Dean. I consider myself a dual fan of both characters (I love Sam too but that’s for another discussion, I relate the most to Dean and Cas and that’s just how I’m wired). I’ve been defending Cas for a decade. A literal decade and I don’t bash Cas, I love him, and I wish more Cas fans could at least extent some basic courtesy back and understand that if Cas hate hurts them, Dean hate will hurt people who love Dean.

I’m feeling terrible for Cas right now and I’ve already made a number of posts on his motivations and pov. He withheld information and he shouldn’t have done that, but we know it isn’t all on him, Sam and Dean have already vocalized they know it isn’t all on him, and we also understand why and we know he doesn’t deserve the harsh words Dean said.

Does this mean Dean is a horrible abusive person who doesn’t deserve Cas, doesn’t deserve love (from Cas or fans), because he lashed out?  No.

Does this mean Dean is OOC, has never done anything like this, would never, and the writers are “destroying” the character?  No.

Dean is getting a lot of hate right now. A lot. And he doesn’t deserve it.

What a trap is it to try to counter, in meta, the extreme hot takes of the farthest character pole extremes. Because if I catalog the previous examples of Dean lashing out at a loved one because he’s scared, grieving, hurt, worried, about another loved one, all that will go into standom’s hot takes machine and get spit out as “gotcha! See? He’s abusive! Look how mean he is!” 

They will ignore how soft he is. How he is 90% of the time the biggest softest softie that ever softed. All the instances of how forgiving he is, how loving he is to those he loves, how protective, how gentle. That all flies out the window because Dean lashed out.

Some claim he’d never. Oh yes he has, oh yes he does, and oh yes he just did and there is nothing OOC here.

So I won’t make an extensive list of when he’s lashed out, and an extensive list of his soft squishy loving center would just not fit into one post anyway. But in case you don’t believe me that this lash out here is consistent, remember he screamed “then let it end” at Bobby, Dean broke lamps over Kevin’s death flinging the entire contents of a bunker library to the floor, MoC Dean lashed out at Sam over Charlie’s death, he yelled at Sam for calling Cas, who Dean was gravely worried about in S11, an “it,” he yelled at Sam out of his grief for Cas in S13. Which by the way, Dean again got a ton of hate for, from Cas extremists, who ironically claim Dean isn’t caring enough for Cas, but if he shows the intensity of the pain he is in due to his grief for Cas, that’s wrong too. 

In 14.18 Dean lashes out for a complex set of reasons. Yes, a lot of it is his fear/grief on Mary’s behalf. Losing her is devastating to him and he’s going through it for the second time. A lot of it also is the fact that Cas kept information from him, didn’t go to him. Even though later in the episode Dean follows Sam’s confession about his own need to believe in Jack with his own, even though Dean vocalizes his shared culpability with Cas. The culpability isn’t the only factor here. Dean trusts Cas so much and he loves Cas so much and I think Dean’s also hurt Cas kept something from him and hurt that Cas thought he should fix the thing all on his own and it’s a little too similar to Cas in S6 an we know how that turned out. That doesn’t mean Cas is like he was in S6, I’m talking deep in Dean pov here, what Dean’s fears are and that it reminds him of it and that hurts extra.

I’m not saying it’s not mostly about Mary. But those things about Cas, the closeness of his bond with Cas, and a sense of personal trust being stepped on, that Cas didn’t, personally, go to him, didn’t lean on him, ask for him, confide...that’s also driving why he lashed out. Had Mary not been in peril, Dean probably wouldn’t have impulsively lashed out so hard, but he still would have been hurt Cas kept this from him and said something acerbic. 

None of the dual Dean and Cas fans defending Dean are telling anybody they have no right to be upset or no right to be hurt. Nor are we hand-waving to make Dean perfect. That’s the whole point. I don’t need a perfect Dean to still be a Dean fan.

The lashing out isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and it’s sad what went between Dean and Cas in this episode, but it’s not the destruction of their relationship by any stretch. We already got, right in the episode, self-awareness from Dean’s end, we got Cas’s full emotional confession why he did it. Dean lashed out but Cas didn’t run, he didn’t assume he was no longer wanted at all, I think Cas understands Dean and he, like Dean, is forgiving, and nobody has told Cas to be gone from their sight never to return. It’s just going to take time.

Dean is really isolated right now, reflected in the framing of the TFW scene at the pyre and the TFW in the kitchen, where Dean is shown physically separate in scene blocking. He’s an island. He’s still freezing Cas out, but he needs some time. Let’s see what ep 19 and 20 bring.

Also where am I making excuses for Dean or treating Dean as perfect in this post or blaming Cas? Nowhere, that’s where. 

I’m not interested in countering the Dean bashing by shoving blame onto the writer, because I thought this episode was a complicated honest emotional wallop, and I’m not going to deny Dean the right to be imperfect and complex by saying “he’s OOC” every single time he isn’t the sweetest softest best most supportive softie, every time he has a vulnerability, every time he says something he shouldn’t. It’s fair to say that writers control the character so if you don’t like what a character did, blame the writers, they’re the puppet-masters. But in this case it’s not doing Dean any favors by taking that defense, by denying how complex he is and waving around the “OOC!” flag to try to make it all better. Better IMO to talk about Dean’s pov and motivations and what makes him tick and give him some love that way. 

[orionsangel86]

13x18 - Episode Review - *Deep breath now*

Lets just say this ones been difficult. Bucklemming aren’t exactly the deep meta types and any message they put across tends to be about a subtle as a brick to the face so I don’t particularly think there is much to really dig into here. But others may disagree. The episode hit the marks and themes which were most likely laid out by the Showrunner for season specific reasons, but other than that it can go on the trash heap for all I care.

*breaths*

I’m gonna focus on the positives, because there were a few that I want to discuss, from an objective, meta view point, though from an emotional viewpoint I have been raging about this festering piece of shit episode all weekend.

Anyway, positives, positives...

Dean and Ketch and the AU world

Of the three stories being told simultaneously, this was the only one that actually held my interest. Probably because Jensen Ackles and David Hayden Jones have great chemistry and know how to captivate their audience.

I think it is extremely clear now that Ketch is going to get a redemption arc. He carries guilt over what he did for Mary when he always did have feelings for her even if he never admitted them and she would never return them. I think that was made clear in season 12 and now in this episode it seems pretty obvious this is where we are headed:

“And your mother. She’s in danger. I owe her that.” 

Mary is the reason Ketch wants to help, to “wash the blood off his hands” I can see him sacrificing himself to save Mary in the end, thus getting his redemption in death (the only way he should be allowed redemption tbh)

Am I happy about that? Not at all. I still feel Ketch’s return was unnecessary, especially when I now don’t think we will be getting Eileen back. After what Ketch did to Eileen I don’t personally think he SHOULD get redemption, and he should have remained dead after 12x22.

However Ketch is currently being presented as a mirror for both Dean and Cas. He has been a Dean mirror throughout his entire series run, representing Dean’s toxic masculine side and his killer instinct – the monster Dean feels resides inside him. In the past two episodes he has also mirrored Cas with his need to redeem himself to someone he loves (very season 6/7 Castiel) and his insistence at staying behind in the mirror purgatory to do his penance. The healing scene brought this to light quite clearly imo, with Ketch taking the time to take care of Dean even when he tried to brush it off. Ketch was also quite good at being able to read Dean – knowing that there was more to the Charlie thing than Dean let on, but still not actually making the correct assumption.

Ketch assumed that Charlie was a romantic connection, when she was a sisterly connection. The wrong assumptions between romantic and platonic love have been plaguing Dean and Cas for years at this point. I thought it was interesting that this was commented on in the text in this episode – like I said, it’s not like Bucklemming know how to do subtlety.

Moving on to Charlie’s return, I am also on the fence about how I feel about this, but pushing my emotions aside I can see why she was brought back in the AU world. This world is the polar opposite of our world, and without Dean and Sam, all those people who died because of them, survive in the AU. So like Kevin and Bobby, it makes sense that Charlie lives over there.

At first I was angry about Bucklemming somehow trying to redeem themselves to fandom by bringing back Charlie, but after applying some more sensible, less emotional thought to the matter, and speaking extensively with friends about it, I realise this is not the case. I am vaguely aware there has been wank about this point. First off, lets make this clear; Bucklemming don’t give a fuck about fandom and wouldn’t even bother trying to redeem themselves over something that they still celebrate themselves for doing in the first place (Charlie’s death in their own opinion was still a good choice and they still pat themselves on the back for it – fucking assholes that they are). Bringing an AU Charlie into the picture is nothing to do with fan service or trying to win favour with those of us who despise them. They don’t give a fuck. Bringing AU Charlie back was purely because it makes sense in an AU world that works in opposite to this world. It was also for Dean’s development, because whilst Bucklemming don’t appear to give a fuck about Sam or Cas and their story arcs, they do take an interest in Dean’s. Dean is the only character they actually understand and the only character (other than Lucifer) who they seem to like writing for. By introducing an AU Charlie, and having Dean face that Charlie, it will help Dean to let go of some of his guilt over her death. I say this specifically because of this:

DEAN: “I don’t wanna lose you again”

CHARLIE: “that’s not your call”

Dean tried to bring Charlie back with him to keep her safe, but Charlie chose to stay in danger. Just like original Charlie chose to face danger to help Dean back in season 10. It was never Dean’s fault that Charlie died (it was stupid writing) It was Charlies own decision to put her life at risk, hopefully this Charlie can teach Dean a lesson about holding on to guilt and blaming himself and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

This line was also very relevant for Dean in regards to Cas, who Dean has been trying to protect ever since he got him back in 13x05. Dean may have been able to say those words to Charlie, but he has so far been unable to say them to Cas. Yet another example of communication that needs to be had between the two of them. WILL YOU BOYS PLEASE ADDRESS THAT FUCKING ELEPHANT ALREADY BECAUSE ITS MAKING A MESS AND NO ONE IS CLEANING IT UP.

This is why the confusion over what Charlie was to Dean was also so interesting. Because so much of what was said about her is so relevant to Dean and Cas now.

KETCH: “Old girlfriend? Let me guess, she broke your heart” 

...

CHARLIE: “And you were friends with her, me? Her.”

DEAN: “Yes very.”

CHARLIE: “How very?”

DEAN: “She was into chicks.”

CHARLIE: “Oh, I like her.”

Both Ketch and Charlie herself make the wrong assumption about Dean’s relationship with her. Dean has to clarify to both of them. Just like he needs to clarify to Cas and USE HIS WORDS.

The one final point I want to make about the AU world is in relation to the “Commander”. I have seen the awesome speculation post by @charlie-minion​ and I want it to be right. I would love an AU!Cas to appear as I think it would be extremely interesting for Cas’s own development arc, and for Dean’s. I certainly found it interesting that we weren’t given a name, and also thought this angel was far more captivating and memorable than any other random angel we have met in the AU so far. Even Zachariah didn’t really get this much screen time. I hope we see him again anyway, and I hope Charlie’s spec is correct.

Sam and Gabriel – I need you = I need your help

Sam’s speech was honestly one of the highlights of the episode, until Bucklemming ruined it by going back to the fucking porn stars point, but regardless, it was a beautiful moment for Sam, and I did enjoy it:

“Gabriel, you have to dig yourself out of this hole. I know you think it’s safer inside. No more torture, no more pain, no more expectations. I’ve been there. You are nothing like your family, you sure as hell weren’t like your dad, me either. And just like you I got out, or I thought I got out. But then, then my family needed me, and this is my life. No matter how many times I try to fight it, this is what I was put here to do. This is where I make the world a better place, and sure yeah hookers and Monte Carlo sounds great, but your family needs you, Jack your nephew needs you, the world needs you, we need you. Gabriel I need you. So please, help us.”

There is a lot to dig through here, because this is Sam admitting that he has accepted the life he leads. That no matter how many times he tries to escape, he has a duty to the world and to do what’s right. It is somewhat sad to be honest, because unlike Dean I don’t think Sam actually enjoys the job, the hunt, or any of it. But Sam has resigned himself that this is his duty. It does make me wonder about Sam’s endgame to be honest, because it wasn’t a particularly positive speech from Sam’s own point of view. He is much more like Cas in this respect that he sees this as an obligation, as his duty, rather than something that brings him any joy. Both Sam and Cas are similar in that they need to find something else to bring them joy in the life. Dean does get some form of joy out of the hunt and of saving people. Though even he is desperately seeking something more – as many moments over the past few years have shown.

Obviously everyone freaked out about the use of the words “we need you, I need you” but the situation was so extremely different I just cannot correlate the two scenes. Everything about the original Dean/Cas scene was romantically coded. Everything. But nothing about this scene really was. Sam is desperate, he is relying on Gabriel to save them, to help them. He wants to put his faith in Gabriel and you can see the tears in his eyes when he admits this, but Sam’s speech was all about getting Gabriel to help him and the world, whereas the original Dean/Cas speech was all about Dean trying to save Cas. There is a huge difference there, and I cannot see past it. So as much as I am happy for Sabriel shippers who have finally been given some canon to work with after all these years, from a meta perspective, there is nothing romantic about it.  

In fact it only reasserts the continued themes of communication problems between Dean and Cas. Sam uses the word “need” correctly here. He uses it because he does desperately need Gabriel to help them. But when Dean used that word originally to save Cas, just like he used it again in 13x14 “we needed you back” he used it wrong. Dean doesn’t need Cas to help them in whatever world ending situation they have got themselves into, he simply wants Cas by his side, to love, and be loved as who Cas is, regardless of whether Cas is actually useful in the fight or not. The difference between needing a powerful ally (Gabriel) and wanting the love of your life alive and by your side (Castiel).

Other positives from the episode

Anael breaking free from her abuser and basically telling him to fuck off. You go girl.

Ketch once again referring to Cas as “your angel” because like everyone else, Ketch knows there is something more between Dean and Cas.

Asmodeus going up in flames – Kentucky fried style – yes we all got the joke. Ha. Ha.

Charlie is strongly hinted at also being a lesbian in the AU and well, she bloody better be. 

The final scene and seeing the sheer emotion on Sam and Cas’s faces as they watch Dean break down. When does Dean ever really let them see him lose hope like that? It was a difficult scene to watch sure, but it made an impact. I like it that it was Cas that tried to reassure Dean that they would find Gabriel, rather than Sam. Sam regresses to the little brother at that moment. Full of guilt and worry. But Cas does attempt to stand strong and reassure and console Dean. Cas has been framed as Dean’s spouse throughout this entire season, and I thought this end scene was yet another example of that.

Onto the Negatives...

Okay so yeah I couldn’t just keep my mouth shut on these points. But they are going under a cut because I get proper ranty down there. You’ve been warned. Please don’t read any further if you are only gonna get offended and annoyed and come into my ask box to bitch. Sometimes we need to vent about stuff that pisses us off. I suggest you only read further if you are also feeling royally fucked over by these incompetent asshole writers and want to therapeutically live through my rage. If so... enjoy...

First lets talk about Gabriel. Because I’m pissed. I’m SO PISSED about him. I never really gave my opinion on him being brought back after the reveal at the end of 13x13, because I didn’t want to appear too negative at the time and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt regarding his character. I also really hoped that Perez would tackle Gabriel’s backstory last episode instead of leaving it to Bucklemming. Unfortunately that was not the case and like I suspected from the moment we got Gabe back, they butchered him.

So I’m pissed. We can all officially say sayonara to Fanon Gabriel because he is dead, and isn’t coming back, and Canon Gabriel just had his original redemption arc robbed from him.

I actually found it really awful that they even threw that line into the episode “thanks for the redemption arc” Gabe says at the end… because it proves to me that Bucklemming were totally aware that they were destroying Gabe’s original redemption arc by writing his bullshit backstory. So yeah, I’m pissed.

Gabe tricked Lucifer with yet another double, and was “free” to go and spend his time with porn stars. Lovely. He then gets captured by regular boring demons. Like how? And taken to the weakest of the princes of hell to be his milk cow. Again HOW? One of the only reasons I liked Gabriel to begin with was because whilst he was always ambiguous and a tormentor for Sam and Dean, he always had his own moral compass. He punished people who were dicks basically. Assholes who got their comeuppance in horrifically ironic ways. He ran away from his family because he couldn’t stand the fighting, and he chose to side with the Winchesters in the end because he knew it was the right thing to do. The whole point of Gabe standing up to Lucifer was because he admitted back then that he didn’t want to see the world destroyed, that he liked humanity and found enjoyment in it, and that Lucifer and Michael would destroy that. So this new information about him running away and leaving it all up to Sam and Dean makes NO SENSE. He had chosen to stand by them, put his money on them, and then left. His original redemption is now worth nothing. It is no longer redemption. It instead proves him to be a selfish pervert, and nothing more.

The fact that he was then captured by fucking demons and caged by the most incompetent irrelevant demon of all is another massive insult to his character and his power. It again makes no sense that regular demons could even figure out he was still alive where Lucifer and all of heaven couldn’t, and actually have the strength to capture him in the first place.

Then there is the porn thing. Which I think was a gross, irrelevant, unnecessary joke that failed to hit the mark every time it was mentioned. Having him write it on the walls as part of his story when he was clearly traumatised and catatonic wasn’t funny. It was absurd and made me cringe. Someone please explain to me why bucklemming are so obsessed with porn and sex. PLEASE. Do they actually think these jokes are funny? Are they trying to glorify the porn industry? Or do they just like the idea of an archangel being obsessed with human pornography and porn stars? What is this shows fascination with fucking porn stars?! Jesus Christ stop fucking glorifying the sex industry. It has NEVER been funny. NEVER. FFS Bucklemming if you are that obsessed with the fucking porn industry why don’t you quit SPN and go WRITE for the PORN INDUSTRY. Your outdated stupid and nonsensical writing style would probably be suited to pornography. You can write all the ridiculous stories about Lucifer having dubiously consensual sex with sexy female “angels” as much as possible then. You’ll probably have more free reign to add in your own brand of horrific racism in porn as well in that case because god knows you love the busty Asian beauties bullshit.

So now Gabriel is a disgusting, porn obsessed fuckboy who chose surrounding himself with human sex workers over helping to stop the apocalypse. And then completely ruined Sam’s speech by once again reiterating that point as if the fact that they were PORN STARS SAMUEL was enough of a reason for his running away. Whilst Sam was practically in tears. You ruined that moment. No. I’m sorry. I don’t care if you managed to get all access to the fucking playboy mansion, its crude, its gross and it’s demeaning to women. It’s outdated and shouldn’t be a plot point in a show in 2018. This isn’t “Two and a Half Men” and you are not Charlie Sheen. Who was also disgustingly gross and I was glad when that series got rid of him. I mean, is this the kind of character that Bucklemming think their audience is going to celebrate? Applaud? Urgh. Fuck right off with that. Seriously.

So yeah, sure, Gabriel will probably have a change of heart given the synopsis for later episodes, but that is irrelevant now, Bucklemming have fucked over his character. Just like I thought they would. Seriously I wish they would just fuck off and retire already because I am so done with their outdated crappy disgusting story lines.

As for other completely pointless and irrelevant characters, Asmodeus was burned by his own creators. I guess Bucklemming finally realised that they were shit at creating characters who could be even remotely three dimensional and decided he wasn’t necessary for the story. His death has only proven to me what I thought all along: that he was pointless. That he had no significance to the story, no depth, no motivations, nothing. He was one gigantic joke. I’m glad he is dead. Good riddance. You will be forgotten in a matter of weeks.

Next up Lucifer. I have nothing to say about him. Other than that I found every scene he was in cringeworthy beyond belief. To the point that I feel ashamed when watching his scenes because of the terrible poor quality of acting and writing together makes me so embarrassed to call this show my fave. The exorcism had me dying of second hand embarrassment. Are the supernatural creators PROUD of shit like this? It was goddamn awful. The worst piece of crappy filmmaking I have seen in a while. Every scene with Lucifer is like this for me usually though so I shouldn’t be surprised. I want him killed off and done with now. He brings down the quality of the show to abysmal levels. It’ll never win any awards whilst he still exists in its narrative. I have nothing to meta about him. I can’t separate my meta brain from my hatred of everything he is, and everything Bucklemming have made him to be. I just want the show to be done with him – like I want it to be done with his horrifically terrible writers who wouldn’t recognise decent writing if Shakespeare himself rose from the grave and beat them both around the head with his entire catalogue of sonnets and plays.

Overall, it makes my heart ache when I think of episodes like 13x01 and 13x05, which were spectacular examples of the highest quality writing, direction, and overall production I have seen in a while. If ever I was to choose an episode of this show to introduce it to someone who hasn’t seen it before, I would choose either of those episodes. What amazes me is that those episodes exist in the same season as utter shit like this episode, and 13x13. Perhaps I am being harsh, as the Dean/Ketch/AU stuff in this episode on its own worked well. So perhaps it wasn’t so bad, but seeing as everything else brought it down so badly, I just can’t separate them out. I still struggle to wonder why Bucklemming even bothered to have Cas in this episode at all. He was severely underutilised.

I’m just… so done with Bucklemming episodes. I am so done having to sit through their bullshit and try to force myself to find meaning and anything of analytical worth. Yes, I was able to find some positives, yes, I was able to find some stuff to talk about, but it was a struggle. Half the time I wonder if any of that stuff was even intended, and if it was I reckon it’s only because Dabb had to sit there with their shitty script and fix it as much as possible because I know by now that whenever they write anything of any worth, it must be due to someone elses input. I can’t equate the writers who wrote this utter bullshit about Lucifer and Gabriel with the same writers who wrote Dean’s confession in 10x16, or 11x18, or even the Dean/Ketch/Charlie stuff in THIS episode. How can you be so awful and yet still have stuff like this? You must be getting help.

I’m so sorry to those of you reading who disagree with my above assessments - though to be honest I did warn you. I have re-watched the episode a few times now but each time my rage just boils up again. If Dabb doesn’t start putting a tighter leash on these atrocious writers, then this series will fail in quality. It already has to be honest. I don’t see how we can deal with Bucklemming writing the penultimate episode. Knowing that the fucktards who penned this episode are also basically showrunning the mytharc plot is heartbreaking. I adore this show, but if Bucklemming continue to have control, I’ll be tapping out. Destiel or no Destiel. I can’t watch crappy quality. I certainly can’t watch crapy quality destroy something I adore from the inside out. But that is all I see them doing. 

*sigh*

I’m sorry. I hope that Yokey’s episode next week will redeem Supernatural for me. I hope that we will start to get back into the destiel subplot, because tbh I have felt like it has been severely lacking since 13x06, with only a minor reprisal in 13x14. I hope that we will actually get some focus on Castiel again, because I feel like his story has been lost along the way, and right now it seems he isn’t doing anything. We need to explore his own development arc again but I just can’t see it. I can’t see it at all at the moment. I want him to exist for more than just Dean’s freaking guilt and worry. I had such high hopes going into this season, but the further we get into, the more I lose faith and see the mytharc plot like a slowly loosening thread. Dabb needs to pull it all back together, because the longer Bucklemming keep their grubby porn obsessed hands on it, the more it will fall apart. 

I guess we’ll find out soon enough if all our focus and devotion has actually been worth it.

[ramianne]

Supernatural Season 13 Episode 3 ‘Patience’ - Review

I love doing reviews but I never feel like I write good enough to do some, but this episode just got me so hard I have to talk about it. Prepare yourself for a very (very, VERY) long post. And obviously, this is just my very own personal opinion which is completely biased due to my personal preferences. 

I loved this episode so much it hurts. I already watched it 5 times. God was it good. Let’s try to sort this out.

1) The return of Missouri Moseley. Now I don’t have to recall how badass she is. And she proves it once more in this episode. Obviously I was seriously pissed they bring her back just to kill her basically, but hey, it’s Supernatural, could we really expect something better from them? #SarcasmOverload. The big bad point in this episode imo. Still, the fact that she didn’t scream, she didn’t want to give that pleasure to the wraith, it takes an incredible strength to do it. So Missouri Moseley, you are a bamf woc who deserves all the love and respect in the world. 

2) The wraith. First, I was very glad to see another wraith, since the last one we saw was in season 5, meaning 8 years ago. It feels good to see the show dusting off some old monsters that we haven’t seen in years, like the show hasn’t forgotten its early beginnings. And to bring it back along with the psychics, I think it’s a very clever writing move. Obviously the psychics are special targets for a wraith since they have a special brain which gives them abilities. So it must taste better for a wraith. But what intrigued me & made me feel really weird in this episode was that I had a lot of rape vibes. The wraith really seemed to have physical pleasure from eating the psychics. It just couldn’t help myself but see a lot of parallels between that & rape. The fact that he wanted Missouri to scream because “it would be better”, the weird parallel I can’t not see between a penis and the weird member coming out of his hand, the fact that all his victims were women, the fact that he told Patience he would milk her brain (parallel with her body) because she will taste (feel) so good, the non-consensual sniffing, the fact that he kept Patience from screaming in the highschool, the insult ‘bitch’, I mean I really got this vibe. 

3) Patience. So I was very excited to meet her since she will be in the Wayward Sisters spin-off, but I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to be objective: even though I love Wayward Sisters, will I truly like Patience? Well let me tell you I have a new crush. Patience is so great. She is smart, kind, she knows how to fight (seriously how badass she was when she ripped the wraith’s.... member off?), and we just saw a tiny glimpse of who she is. And on top of all that: she’s so gorgeous it frustrates me. OMFG I love her so much. 

4) Jack. Now I know he won a lot of hearts in the premiere already but he didn’t win mine until then. Sure, he’s sweet, but I still didn’t know what to think of him besides that. I was intrigued for sure. But in this episode I truly felt him and ached for him. He seems to be an incredible emotional sponge and I relate so much to that. And after only a few days of existence, he already hates himself and blames himself for a lot of things that are not his fault. I realised in this episode I am very much like him at the moment. And I firmly believe my new found love for this character is entirely due to Alexander Calvert’s incredible performance. So congratulations, you won another heart. 

5) Sam. And all the relationships we saw this episode. So first, his relationship with Jack. Obviously he understands what Jack’s going through better than Dean throughout his own past (demon blood). I knew we were going to see that. But I was afraid of was Sam falling back into the “I’m a freak” speech, or at least trying to get his own redemption through Jack. But that’s not what I saw. It seemed to me Sam truly believed he was good despite his past, that he doesn’t see himself as a freak anymore, and not only that, but he believes he is good. Now I know it’s not new (we saw glimpse of that in season 12 as well), but I truly felt it in this episode. 

Also, Sam and Dean. So yeah, they don’t agree, but they talk, and I’m so glad that we have that, this reassurance that neither of them will do anything in the other’s back. But also, I am so glad to see Sam getting angry towards Dean. I always thought that his anger was the most interesting side of his character. Sam is usually the one that keeps his emotions in check. He doesn’t push them down, but he’s able to control them. It’s an ability I so wished I had. But it seems to me anger is the only emotion that he can’t really control, and imo that’s why he gets angry in very rare occasions: because he knows he doesn’t fully control it. Also, may I say that him being angry with Dean, him taking the lead with Jack, it makes me wonder if he’s going to be more proactive this season, and if that is a continuation of him becoming a leader in 12x22. 

And finally, Sam and Castiel. Now Castiel didn’t interact with him obviously, but 2 things. First, maybe I’m wrong, but Sam said for the first time that Castiel was his family. Not that he didn’t think it before, obviously he did, but every time Castiel was designed as a full member of the brothers’ family, it was said by Dean. I truly liked that for once, Sam said it. And that makes me think that Dean is quite insensitive towards Sam’s grief. Sam knows Castiel means something very special to Dean compared to him, but still, Dean acts as if Castiel was not special to Sam too. Sam considers Castiel as not only his friend, but his brother. I would love to see more Sam-Castiel interactions, even though I know Misha and Jared can’t stay serious for more than 3 seconds so it’s not likely to happen. Anyway, I really love what we saw of Sam in this episode and where his character is going. 

6) Just before my favorite part, I just wanted to quickly talk about Castiel. So he’s definitely in the empty, I cannot wait to see more of him in the next episode. I was just a little disappointed in how it was filmed. So when Jack calls Castiel, we discover the latter laying on his front in a full black place. And when he hears Jack calling him, he opens his eyes. Well I believe the episode would have had an even better cliffhanger if it stopped right after Castiel opened his eyes, just like in the season 9 finale when Dean opens his eyes as a demon. Instead, we had a weird waking up with Castiel taking his time. Realistically though: Castiel is still a warrior. He has reflexes. He wakes up, after being dead (I believe he knows he got killed), in a black black place where there’s nothing, first thing you do, you jump on your feet and look for an imminent threat. You don’t take your time. But whatever. 

7) Finally, Dean. As a strong Destiel shipper, I will nonetheless skip over the parallel between his grieving and Sam’s one with Missouri reading his mind, or the parallel between his behaviour and John’s one after Mary’s death. I will directly jump on the last scene that turned me into a sobbing mess at 3am. I would like to comment on the fact that I usually don’t cry in front of a film or a TV show etc. For poignant scenes, I might have a few tears in my eyes, and it’s already rare. But actually cry? It happened to me maybe 10 times in my life. For example, I didn’t cry for Castiel’s death. But when Dean yelled at Sam how hurt he was? I couldn’t stop crying. And also, usually, I cry when I watch the scene for the first time, but when I rewatch it, I don’t anymore. Here? I cried during the 3 first times I watched it.

I am so happy that Dean shares more of his pain with Sam. He’s not a total closed shell and it’s great as for his character’s development. He’s not as closed as for John’s death for example, he lets people see he’s hurt. He doesn’t waste time about it, he doesn’t want to talk for hours about it because it’s Dean, but at the same time, I don’t feel like he’s trying to hide his pain. I’m glad for that. Now as for his stance towards Jack, as a lot of people, I don’t agree with Dean. But at the same time, I didn’t really understand Dean’s opinion in the first two episodes. So yes, Jack is Lucifer’s son and has a great potential of evil, but I didn’t understand why he was so oblivious on the fact that nothing is set in stone and Jack can be good. Why is he so sure Jack will be evil? Why can’t he give him a chance? He gave a chance for others before. And even though we could say that his grief makes that he doesn’t see straight rn, I couldn’t really put my finger on why it was correlated. 

And then this scene happened, and I finally completely understood it. I think deep down, completely rationally, Dean doesn’t believe Jack is evil. He has a potential of evil, a great one might I add, but I think deep down, Dean also believes Sam when he says Jack can be good. So his very negative pov towards Jack comes from the fact that Jack reminds him of his losses, of what he tries to get over with. We know Dean never dealt with losses well. John, Kevin, Charlie, Jo, Ellen, Mary, Castiel, the list could go on and on. Everytime, because it’s Dean, he blames himself. He couldn’t protect them. And now, with both Mary (he couldn’t save her, save his mother, for the second time) and Castiel dead at the same time, he really has a hard time to proceed it. He tries the best he can to deal with the grieving process as fast as he can. He tries to get over it. And yet, there’s this being, this kid he sees everywhere because he lives with him, that reminds him every second of who he lost a few days ago. (Might I add Jack looks like a young version of Castiel? Woops). So Dean has someone to blame everything for, and because he can get behind the argument of “Jack is going to be evil because Lucifer’s son”, he’s going to use it and hide behind this idea. He wants to kill Jack not only for the potential threat, but also & mainly because he wants to stop being reminded all day long of his losses. He wants to blame someone else than himself. 

And then, this incredible line : “He manipulated him. He made him promises, said “Paradise on Earth”. And Cass bought it. And you know where that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”. This wonderful line. Especially the last sentence. It wasn’t about being angry with Sam anymore. It wasn’t about Jack anymore. This was a cry of pain. It was Dean yelling at Sam his pain that he can’t get over with. Despite all he tries, he just. Can’t. Forget. Cass. I will skip over the fact that he basically declared to Sam that Castiel was even more special to him than to Sam, and I’m sorry, but what can be more special than being brothers? You get it. But still. This cry of pain that tears Dean apart, it destroys me. It also shows that Dean tries to not think just about Cass, and yet. Dean blames himself for Cass’s death imo. Because again, he couldn’t save him. But why is Castiel special? He couldn’t save Mary either. But Castiel is his savior. Again, the show goes back to its beginning. Castiel is Dean’s savior, the one that made Dean believe he deserved to be saved. He deserved something. And Dean spent years after years watching Castiel giving up on everything just for Dean, doing absolutely anything for him, die, sacrifice himself, kill, and Dean tried to return the favour. He gave Castiel a place not only in his life, but in his family. He went personal to Cass (mixtape), he listened to this oh so lonely creature, believed in him as an individual, not as one angel between a million. He made Castiel an individual, he made Castiel unique, and yet I’m sure Dean still thinks it was not enough because he couldn’t save him or protect him. He couldn’t protect him from being possessed by Lucifer. He couldn’t save him from being slowly killed by Michael’s spear. He couldn’t save him from being killed by Lucifer, and he couldn’t bring him back. Dean couldn’t save his savior. And despite all his efforts, he can’t get over that. 

And now my questions. More exactly, my question. Why is Jack so dependant of what Dean thinks of him? He gives Dean’s opinion a very special importance, and I just can’t get why. Tbh, I can have an idea why, but it’s a Destiel one, and I try as much as I can to be objective and not let my Destiel filled brain see everything as a proof of Destiel. I was very pro-Destiel in the last paragraph because I believe it is canon, but the answer to my question is more of a theory than canon. That’s why I ask it. 

It almost seems to me Jack gives more importance to Dean’s opinion than Sam’s, and Sam’s always with him. So why? The very obvious Destiel answer would be: he has a profound bond to Castiel and so he gives a special importance to Dean just like Castiel does, and so just as Castiel very much looks up to Dean, Jack looks up to him as well. He chose Castiel to be his father because Kelly “told” him Castiel would protect him. And so, he chose Dean to be his model, and to care about him because Castiel must somehow have told him to. But if we skip this theory, why would Jack do it? He didn’t give much importance when the angels tried to kill him. And I can’t believe he chose to look up to Dean randomly. Because if it was a random choice, then by now he would have changed his mind and choose Sam because Sam is way more comprehensive and nice towards him. But no. He keeps giving Dean a special importance. 

So guys, why?