#everytime i open my google docs it stares me right in the face as i open something else.....

[saintajax]

chaeya wip of meeting the tartaglia family u will be done one day i promise....

[thatringboy]

Ganqing getting together Idol au? (Extra: Hanahaki disease and angsty, only if you want. Otherwise, fluff or angst or whatever is fine.)

Or

Just idol au with genshin characters, doesn't have to be anything in particular

ohmygods this one took so long to write and it was so worth it! love me some good angst and hanahaki disease up in this house!!!

Glaze Lilies in my Throat

Warnings: Hanahaki Disease, Blood, Hospitals

Characters: Keqing, Ganyu, Ningguang, Beidou

Ships: Gangqing, Background Beiqquang if you squint

Word Count: 12,758 (FIVE pages of google docs!)

Summary: Idol!Keqing finds herself falling fast and hard for her fellow dancer, Ganyu, but her pride keeps her from admitting her feelings. Until the petals in her throat start taking a toll on her career

The first time the purple haired girl noticed the petals, she just thought that they had fallen off of a bouquet she had received from a fan. Keqing assumed her throat was sore from the show she had completed, so she popped a cough drop in her mouth and quickly changed to head to dinner with the other girls in the group.

The restaurant they were at wasn’t anything too fancy, just a small hole in the wall place for their group, the Qixing, to meet up. The group’s center, Ningguang, knew the owner and was able to order milkshakes for everyone for free.

It was a pleasant outing. Keqing sat near the window side of the booth the women shared and quietly sipped her vanilla milkshake while the other members of the group discussed their performances. Ganyu slid into the seat next to her and pushed a straw into her own chocolate shake.

“Is everything alright? You look lost in thought, Miss Keqing.”

There was a sudden tightness in her throat, or something became lodged in her airways because Keqing began to cough into her elbow. “My apologies, I was just staring off into space. I am quite alright.”

Ganyu gave her a pleasant smile that made heat rise in her cheeks before turning to the rest of the group to join their conversation. Keqing quickly looked away and her eyes fell to her lap where the blue petals had fallen off of her sleeve. They were identical to the petals she had seen earlier that evening. Keqing was no fool, she instantly recognized what had brought the flowers and her eyes shifted back to Ganyu, who was laughing at Ningguang and her chocolate moustache.

She brushed the petals onto the floor with a cold expression. Out of sight, out of mind.

The petals plagued Keqing for a few more months after that night. They always appeared when Ganyu was near her, but all the idol did was tuck them away and began keeping a handkerchief on her person for when the blood started to come up with the flowers. She became used to the tightness of her throat and dryness of her mouth that accompanied her beating heart when Ganyu would clasp her hand between those slender fingers and stare at her with those large eyes. Everytime Keqing thought she would collapse from exhaustion, Ganyu would be there to pick her up and tell her to keep going. How could she not fall for such kindness?

After the petals began appearing, Keqing only allowed herself to be alone with Ganyu once in fear of making her feelings known. It was after a particularly long dance rehearsal and the other women left before they did. As they were cleaning up the practice room, a small photo fell out of Ganyu’s bag.

Keqing moved to pick it up, turning the paper over in her fingers. In the photo was a baby Ganyu sitting on the lap of an elegant woman with blue eyes and had her hair pinned up by an eerily familiar flower.

“Who is this woman?”

Ganyu glanced over at the picture. “My, that’s an old picture. I’ve told you how I was adopted as a child, right? That woman was my adoptive mother, Guizhong.”

“Was?” Keqing handed the photo back.

“Yes, was. She was a botanist who loved flowers. That one in her hair is a species she selectively bred for years before perfecting them. We called them ‘Glaze Lilies’. She was killed in a hit and run when I was twelve.”

So the flowers have a name. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Ganyu gave her a sweet smile. “Don’t be, she’s always with me, I can feel her guiding me.”

Keqing turned away before the blush could overtake her face and swallowed down the petals in her mouth. So cute!

The first time a blue bud appeared was during a meeting with her manager and Ningguang, who was also the owner of the group. Keqing shifted uncomfortably in her chair as the manager and albino woman looked over a report of her performances.

Ningguang cleared her throat. “Keqing, you know how much we love to have you in the group…”

Keqing felt the familiar tightness in her throat. She sat still and tried to swallow it down as Ningguang continued.

“However, your ratings have been going down recently. You have been leaving rehearsals early, and we’ve noticed the quality of your performances is suffering.”

Slowly, Keqing reached into the pocket of her skirt for a handkerchief as she felt the petals rise back up. Don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic.

The manager made a sad face. “Keqing… if things don’t change, then we may need to replace you. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are now, I really don’t want to do this, but if you can’t put your previous energy into this work then maybe we need to go separate ways.”

Panic.

“No, no, I can do it!” Opening her mouth to protest was a bad idea. As soon as the words spilled from her lips, she doubled over in a fit of coughs, the scent of blood filling the room. Something larger than her usual petals dislodged itself from her throat and fell onto the floor between her and her bosses.

An unbloomed Glaze Lily pod with specks of blood tainting the innocent color bounced on the carpet and rolled next to Ningguang’s foot. She looked at Keqing’s face in horror. “Keqing…”

The purple haired girl got to her feet, covering her mouth with the tiny piece of fabric and bowed quickly, moving towards the door. “I-I’m sorry, I promise to get to practice on time and I will get my ratings back up!”

She only took two steps before falling to her knees in another fit of coughing. This time it was two pods, one halfway blooming. Ningguang called for the manager to call an ambulance before rushing to Keqing’s side, rubbing a soothing hand across her back.

The next few hours were a blur. Keqing barely remembers an ambulance arriving, being carted away with a tube down her throat, a couple doctors examining her before letting her rest. When she became coherent, Keqing was able to sit up despite the oxygen tube in her nose and became aware of a doctor waiting for her.

“Miss Keqing, how are you feeling?”

She opened her mouth to talk, but it was the most sore it had ever felt. She tapped her neck to let the doctor know her speech status. He nodded and produced a pen and pad for her to write on.

“I feel terrible, but not like I’m about to die.”

He read over the paper. “Are you aware of what The Hanahaki Disease is?”

“Of course.” She penned down.

“How long have you been in this predicament?” His calm eyes went back to the pad.

Keqing thought for a second before writing again. “Five months.”

“Five months.” He read outloud softly. “Do you know who brought the flowers to you?”

“No.” She lied. She had known from the very beginning, but a glance out of the glass window of the room’s door revealed that her entire group was anxiously waiting outside. There was no need to drag anyone else into her problem.

The doctor took a deep breath. “Miss Keqing, you are aware of what the removal of the flowers entails if you cannot find the person responsible for these feelings, correct?”

“Yes.” Loss of the memories of that person. From beyond the door, Ganyu peeked through the window with a worried expression. Behind her was Ningguang frantically pointing at her head with wide eyes and her lips in a thin, focused line. The doctor followed Keqing’s eyes to the door and as he did, Ningguang instantly stopped and went back to looking as regal as ever.

The doctor chuckled dryly. “You know, I can’t do my job if you lie to me.”

He got up and moved to let Ganyu into the room as Keqing began to scribble down words in a panic. The doctor opened the door and gestured to the chair beside the bed before shutting the door behind the other idol. Ganyu nervously sat down and Keqing stopped writing, not meeting her eyes.

Ganyu reached out to touch Keqing’s hand, but stopped. “We were all so worried when Miss Ningguang told us you had been hospitalized. I’m not sure what I would have done if something had happened--” She caught Keqing staring at her with wide eyes and silenced herself with the lightest shade of pink dusting her cheeks.

Keqing pulled her knees to her chest to have a hard surface to write on. “Did she tell you what I have?”

Ganyu shook her head. “No, but Miss Ningguang gave a weird look.”

Ah, the ever observant Ningguang and the blissfully unaware Ganyu. She scratched down another sentence. “There’s something I should probably tell you…”

Ganyu read the notepad, whispering the words to herself in that way that made Keqing fall harder and nodded. “I’m all ears, err, eyes?”

Keqing flipped to a new page. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and her hands shook a little. She was a fool for even considering having the flowers removed surgically. She held the pen over the paper and began writing everything down. From the night at the milkshake bar, the petals in her throat being the same kind of flowers Ganyu’s mother made, how Ganyu’s smile made her heart flutter and her stomach twist in a way that she never wanted to end. The flowers had stolen her voice, so she wrote it all, pouring her heart into every word like the disease would kill her that very night.

When she finished, Keqing quickly shoved the notepad to Ganyu and turned away with a red face, not wanting to see the other’s reaction to the written love confession.

Ganyu read every word slowly, tears pooling in her blue and purple eyes and blush burning her cheeks at the raw emotions before her. When she finished, she simply held out her free hand for the pen, which Keqing practically threw at her. She wanted her bedsheets to swallow her up like that scene from Nightmare on Elm Street.

The blue haired woman wrote something quickly and handed both the pen and pad back to Keqing. She took it and read over the short message left at the bottom of her confession.

“I feel the same way.”

In an instant, Keqing felt her throat open and she took a loud gulp of air, making Ganyu jump in surprise. Keqing began to laugh as she grabbed Ganyu’s wrist and pulled her onto the bed and into a tight hug. “Yes yes yes yes yes! I can finally breathe!”

She realized how close Ganyu’s face was to her own and let go quickly, the color returning to her face ten-fold. “Sorry about that.”

Ganyu remained sitting on the bed, covering her face in her own hands. “It’s fine, really!”

“Hah! What a couple of dorks!” Called a deep voice from the doorway.

The two on the bed snapped their heads towards the sound to see Ningguang grabbing the intruder, a tall burly woman with an eyepatch, by her ear and dragging her out of the room. “Out with you! I called you here to provide moral support, not gawk at my dancers!”

Ganyu giggled. “That’s Miss Beidou for you, I suppose.”

Keqing looked at the discarded notepad and those five words scrawled in neat handwriting.

“I feel the same way.”

Keqing is a woman of sound mind. She thinks through her actions and keeps to herself when situations do not concern her. She keeps her head down and doesn’t make rash decisions. So of course she surged forward to plant a kiss on Ganyu’s cheek before pulling back in horror of her own actions and covering her lips with her hand.

Ganyu turned red as her hand went up to touch the spot Keqing had kissed. “That was sweet, thank you.”

“You said on the paper that you feel the same way I do about you so I just thought--” Her panicked rambling was silenced by Ganyu moving closer to her and gently pulling her hands from her mouth with a nervous smile.

“I’m not very good with words like you, Miss Keqing, so sorry that my confession was so bland.”

Keqing blinked. “That’s what you’re caught up on?! And enough with the formalities, you just cured my Hanahaki Disease and saved me from getting fired!”

“Wait, fired? I thought Miss Ningguang pulled you into the manager’s office yesterday for tea… were you about to be let go?”

“Probably!”

Ganyu playfully poked Keqing’s oxygen tube in her nose. “Then the flowers did you a favor.”

“THEY WERE THE REASON I WASN’T PERFORMING WELL IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

The blue haired woman took Keqing’s hands again. “And now they’re gone, for good this time?”

Keqing blinked once more. “‘This time’? What do you mean, ‘this time’--!”

Ganyu panicked and surged forward to kiss her. Keqing, not believing what was happening, halted all protests and sunk into it, ignoring the plastic tube in her nose and letting the scent of vanilla fill her senses.

When they broke away, it felt like an eternity had passed, but it wasn’t long enough, so they kissed again, and again and again until they were panting for air and the doctor returned with an amused smile. All thoughts slipped from Keqing’s usually buzzing mind and she found herself only focusing on the woman before her; the one she cared so much about for so long that flowers bloomed in her throat. With Ganyu by her side, Keqing didn’t have a care in the world. With Ganyu by her side, Keqing knew she was going to be just fine.

[trashy-mctrash]

Leona Chan’s Harem - Part 1(Of 4)

This is a crack fic based on the random anime that @goldendeeeer1 and I designed on the twst server. The characters may seem ooc or ridiculous but keep in mind that that's the whole point. Sorry if there are any mistakes, its been a while since I wrote. Google docs was my proof reader so blame them. And with that please enjoy! :)

Disclaimer, naughty language. 

Leona Chan was never interested in love, why would he be. It's not like anyone would ever love him, people were always more drawn to his older brother so how could he trust anyone that claims to be interested in him. But he would be lying if he said at times he didn't crave the support or trust of someone he could truly be himself with. 

He sighed as he made his way to the dorm kitchen to grab something to eat before hedging to class. His plan was only to attend the first two lessons then nap in the greenhouse as usual wanting to avoid any drama that always seemed to happen at the school. 

“Oh so you finally decided to come out of your room Leona.” Ruggie greeted Leona as he sat down placing a plate of toast in front of him. “I thought you planned to spend all day sleeping. You used to always try and do that when we were kids.” Ruggie continued to rant on about their past while Leona decided to zone him out. Ruggie had been by his side since they were kids due to their similar beliefs and being outcasts, eventually becoming his close friend and part time mother with how much he nags at him. Despite the nagging, Leona knows that he can trust Ruggie even if Ruggie was only with him for his own gain. 

“Oi Leona if you don’t go now you’ll be late for class, you better get going else there would be no point in getting up at all.” said Ruggie snapping Leona out of his daze. “Shit you’re right, I’m heading out then” Leona exclaimed while grabbing a slice of toast and shoving it in his mouth  before running off. “Hey why don’t we-” Ruggie started but it was too late, Leona chan was already gone. If only he had stayed long enough to hear what he had to say. 

On his way to class Leona chan had bumped into his arch enemy, Malleus. He hated how much Malleus reminded him of his brother and was constantly seen as being better than him. Little did he know that Malleus in fact did not hate him but was inexperienced in expressing love and therefore believed that their constant teasing and arguing was a way of deepening their relationship which would hopefully blossom into love. 

Malleus called out to Leona. “Huh lost little kitty~” he smirked while crossing his arms. Leona rolled his eyes, not wanting to waste his energy on Malleus, “not as lost as you coat hanger, you’ve wandered quite far from the beast’s castle.” He walked away leaving Mallues laughing. “Hahaha, you’re as witty as ever...I can’t wait to make you mine” Mallues whispered as he watched Leona chan walk away, “after all I’m the only person capable of taming you.” 

However, unknown to the both of them there was someone else watching their interaction. Free range Azul had been following Leona chan waiting for the perfect opportunity to confess his feelings. Azul wasn’t stupid though, he was aware that Leona would never accept his feelings so he had been working hard to perfect a spell that would cause Leona chan to fall in love with him. After all with Leona’s strength and Azul’s brilliant mind, they could accomplish many great things together. It also helped that Leona chan was a prince meaning that he would be able to help fund all of Azul’s schemes. They were clearly destined to be together, at least that’s how free range Azul saw it. 

He would wait for Leona to go to the greenhouse for his nap and cast the spell on him. His plan was fool proof, no one else would be there to stop him. “Soon we'll be together my beloved. You aren’t aware of how much you need me but don’t worry, I’ll help you open your eyes to the truth.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leona chan yawned as he made his way to the greenhouse, finally he could sleep and escape Rook’s creepy gaze. Seriously what was wrong with that guy, it’s like he was obsessed with him. On the plus side he hadn’t seen Malleus at all after their previous encounter, it's like he had disappeared. It's not like he cared if anything he was quite glad. 

As he headed to his favourite spot, he saw Azul already standing there. He was flashing his usual suspicious smile, the one that Leona hated. It lacked any true emotion and showed how Azul was always plotting causing Leona to be more on guard. 

“Ahhh Leona, I was hoping to see you here.” Azul made his way towards Leona still smiling. “There was actually something important I wished to discuss with you.” 

Leona skimmed his brain unable to think of any reason why Azul would want to see him. “What are you up to?” Leona asked, taking a step back. “Oh you wound me,” Azul wiped away a fake tear. “Accusing me of causing trouble after I went through the effort to come out here.” 

Azul walked forward standing right in front of Leona and looked up into his eyes. “Leona…I know this might seem odd for you but I can’t deny my heart’s desires anymore.” He placed his hand on Leona’s arm, stroking it gently while his eyes softened. “I love you. I wish for us to be together, my heart swoons everytime I see you and I’m always lost in those forest green eyes of yours losing the ability to properly express myself.” Leona started to freak out. What was Azul talking about? Love? Him and Azul? Impossible. They never got along, this had to be another scheme.

Leona shook off Azul's hand, “Look. Despite how I look and act, I hate playing with someone’s feelings.” He turned around staring to leave, “You can’t fool me. No one can love me so I’ll be going now. Go find someone else to toy with.” Shoving his hands into his pockets and walked off. A part of him heartbroken that Azul would try to deceive him with such a sensitive topic to him. Leona chan sniffled holding back his tears. 

Before Leona could walk out the greenhouse, he felt a tingly sensation in his chest. The feeling quickly spread to the rest of his body and made his vision hazy. His mind started to get fuzzy and feel extremely warm, sweat covering his forehead. He felt himself lose conscience only faintly being able to hear Azul. “Leona. I think you are mistaken. I love you and you love me. We will be together.” Azul appeared behind Leona who had collapsed on the ground. He knelt down lifting Leona chan’s chin gently to stare at his eyes. His previous green eyes now ruby red reflecting Azul’s sinister smile. “You love me too right?” he asked using his thumb to stroke Leona’s cheek. “O..of course Azul. I love you too” Leona whispered gazing longingly back at him as he nuzzled into Azul’s hand, “I want to be with you forever.”

Free range Azul laughed. He did it. Leona was all his and together they would rule as the most powerful couple in the world. No one could stop him. That was until he heard a rustle from a nearby bush. That wasn’t right, everyone should be in class right now so who could be here. Azul stood up bringing Leona with him who began cuddling him while purring. “It’s quite rude to spy you know,” Azul said, wrapping an arm around Leona, “show yourself.” Out of the bush appeared Ruggie carrying a sandwich and a drink. “My bad I just came here to find Leona to give him his snack and drag him back to class.” Ruggie looked down at Leona who was still burying himself in Azul and appeared to be oblivious to his entrance. “It looks I came at the right time, what did you do to Leona?” Ruggie demanded his hand crushing the sandwich causing it to crumble onto the ground. 

Azul chuckled, “me? Nothing. Leona just poured out his heart to me and I just reciprocated those feelings and well now we’re together.” Azul pulled in Leona closer who just mewled while staring lovingly back at him. “You must be so happy that he finally found true love since you're his best friend but your services are no longer needed.” Ruggie growled, this couldn’t be true. There was no way that Leona would love that slippery octopus. No Leona deserved someone better, someone who truly understood him and was always by his side...someone like him.  

“Get away from Leona!” Ruggie shouted. “I don’t know what you’ve done but you’ve clearly messed him up!” Azul looked at Ruggie with an umamused look, “is that so? If i had messed with Leona could I do this.” He turned towards Leona who was smiling back at him before moving his face closer to his lips. Leona closed his eyes leaning in to meet Azul’s, his eyes closing. Ruggie was enraged, he chucked the drink in his hand at Azul causing him to move away from Leona and tumble to the ground. Not giving him any time to process what happened, Ruggie ran and jumped onto Azul and began punching him repeatedly. “How dare you! I’ve stayed by his side through everything and had to keep my feelings for him bottled up to not get in the way of his dreams!” he began crying, his punches getting weaker. “Do you know how hard it is to always see Leona and not be able to hold his hand or kiss his soft cheek. Are you even aware of the way he smirks when he comes up with an idea or how his tail sways after he eats a meal? You know nothing about him! You could never fully love or appreciate Leona!”

Before Ruggie could continue, Leona pushed Ruggie off Azul and stood in front of him, leaving Azul passed out on the floor. “Please don’t hurt Azul I love him Ruggie” Leona cried out his own tears falling down his face. “I don’t know what he’s done but I promise you he means no harm.”

Ruggie stood there shocked. His eyes filled with tears and he stared at Leona. How could he have allowed this to happen? “Leona, I’m sorry. I only ever wanted to see you happy and your dreams come true.” He shankingly took a step towards Leona, “I knew that I never stood a chance to be with you, yet I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you. I don’t care if you don’t love me, I just want you to be with someone who I know will cherish you forever.” Ruggie started to sob heavily and his body began shaking. 

Leona was baffled. He was confused as to why Ruggie would be crying but for some reason he felt a deep pang in his heart. He reached out towards him, arms slowly wrapping around Ruggie. “Please don’t cry. I..I hate seeing you cry” he said as he stroked Ruggie’s hair. He moved Ruggie so that they were facing each other, for some reason looking at him made his heart hurt. He felt a sort of yearning. Before either of them realised it, they moved closer to each other. Their eyes closing as their lips gently grazed each other. Unable to control his urges anymore, Ruggie pushed forward and kissed leona. Leona’s lips tasted better than he thought, warm, wet and rough, he could taste the apricot jam he had that morning. Leona was lost in the kiss, his once fuzzy mind was clearing. Ruggie’s scent pulling him back to his senses. He opened his eyes shocked to see Ruggie staring back at him. Both of them jumped and pulled back.

“Wh..what the hell is going on?!” Leona demanded his fingers coming up to gently swipe across his lips. The last thing he remembered was moving to leave the greenhouse and then blank. Ruggie was confused too until he looked at Leona’s eyes to see the familiar green that he loved. “Uhhh to be honest I dont know,” Ruggie said as he moved his eyes away to stare at Azul laying there, “ask him.”

Leona turned around bending down to slap Azul across the face. Azul woke and slowly sat up and as he stared at Leona. “The spell. Did it wear off?” he asked cautiously. “Spell? You scumbag I knew you were up to no good.” Leaona was furious, how could he have let this happen. He looked to Ruggie for a proper explanation.  Ruggie sighed, “Azul had used some sort of spell that caused you to fall in love with him and I guess I tried to stop him.” “ So you kissed me?” Leona responded. Azul stood up dusting himself off, “ahh I see. It appears that true love’s kiss wins once again. How original” he sighed. “I guess I’ll be going now, but don’t worry Leona. I haven’t given up on us yet” and with that Azul left the two alone. 

“Man this day was exhausting, I’m heading to bed” Leona said. Ruggie was confused, “wait so you’re not gonna push more about the kiss?” “What do you want me to say? Thanks for the kiss Ruggie it tasted surprisingly sweet and good.” Ruggie was lost for words, “are you serious? After I poured my heart out to you?” Leona sighed and made his way to Ruggie, “don’t worry I’m just getting there. It was your voice that guided me back and it was your words that made me realise something.” Leona started to blush and fidget with his hands as he tried to gather his thoughts, “Ruggie. You were the only person who saw me for who I truly am and embraced both my good and bad. Despite my shit attitude you still supported me.” Ruggie grabbed Leona’s hands gently nudging him to go on. “This is hard for me to say so listen carefully as I’ll only say it once. I love you too Ruggie, You and your stupid laugh,” Leona mumbled. 

Ruggie’s eyes widened, he never dreamed that this day would ever come, “you do?” “Are you daft, what did I just say?” Leona glared at Ruggie as he began to laugh. “Wow. this is amazing ah.” Ruggie gave Leona a warm smile, “so.. Would it be too bold of me to ask you out then?” “I’d expect you too, after all what would be the point of sharing my feelings if I didn’t want to be with you?” Leona replied. “Ahh I’m so lucky to be dating a prince as charming as you~” Ruggie responded poking his cheek. Leona swatted his hand away before leaning towards Ruggie, “just shut up and kiss me.” And with that the two sealed their love with a kiss.

Meanwhile, outside the greenhouse a certain hunter gazed in at the two lovers kissing before walking away. He’d let Ruggie have this moment, it wouldn’t last long anyway.

[moonduskt]

BOOK READING REFLECTIONS OF 2020

This year, in 2020, amongst my other goals, I made it as a personal resolution to read twelve books. There are two main reasons for this: first, I want to make reading books my hobby again. For sure, when I was just a kid, pre-high school me, I was an avid reader. I could read everything so long as it was not a non-fiction book. But as the years passed right by me, I began to lose passion to read any book, physical book that I needed to flip page by page and spent hours sitting down. When I came to my senses, I found myself unable to read a simple novel in one sitting or pulling an all-nighter like I used to. It took me weeks or months to finish a novel. That is why I want to make it my hobby again, not necessarily I have to finish a book in one day or something, so long as I read books again, that is okay with me.

Second, and maybe some people wouldn’t agree with this reason--I already had my junior shaded me in his blog after I told him why I want to start reading again. I want to read because I want to know a lot of things. I want to gain knowledge, I want to educate myself on the matter that I am taking interest in yet never took participation to find out about it. I am realizing that there are so many things outside there that I don’t know and in my negligence, I can’t answer every question anyone asks me. This second reason made me decide to start reading non-fiction books.

Still, not motivational books. I still hate those. Next.

So, I have a goal to read twelve books this year. Any books so long as I am interested in it. It’s the first year I’m doing this, so I don’t really put a high stake on myself, and I did it with a light heart. I think the pandemic sorta kinda helped me in this too, since all my plans halted for a few months and I did nothing at my home other than sleeping and eating.

By December, I read twenty-two books! HELL YEAH!

Almost half of them were Rick Riordan Presents’ books, and I read two of Angela Davis’ books as the chosen non-fiction books. The rest of them were novels. Maybe I should put them all on the list in here, but I’m too lazy to do it so yeaah…

Choosing my favorite book amongst so many is hard. There were so many good books I’ve read this year! They were all memorable too. Between Akwaeke Emezi’s “Pet” or Sylvia Plath’s “Bell Jar”, or even Carloz Hernandez’ “Sal & Gabi” series! I love them all, so, so, so much.

My least favorite book, surprisingly, is easy to pick. It is one of Rick Riordan Presents’ book, “Race to the Sun” by Rebecca Roanhorse. The book is not bad at all, it is good! It’s just, there are some things that made me push it back a little bit. The main thing that I wish from this book was that Rebecca Roanhorse could've expanded the universe a little bit more.

There were some unfinished books that I put on hold, and I hope I can finish them all in 2021, since it feels like a pity not to finish them. There are “The Song of Achilles” that I’m almost half of the book in, just like “Little Women” and “The Death of Vivek Oji”. There is one book in Bahasa Indonesia that I have yet to finish since 2019, “Bilangan Fu.” So many unfinished titles… I need to work harder in finishing those.

I am excited to read new books to come too. I’m still planning to read twelve books in 2021, there’s no change in the targeted numbers of books I must read. To make a habit I need to start small, and I’d rather see books I’m reading exceed the target rather than less, so I’ll think I’ll be alright again next year.

Dear God, I hope I can reach twenty-two books again in 2021. I am planning to read “Moby Dick” and “One Hundred Years of Solitude” next year, and those two books are so thick. Plus, I want to read more non-fiction books too.

I don’t have specific titles to read on non-fiction books, I just know that I want to read more about gender and sexuality. Those two topics are the one I’m currently very curious about, and I feel like it’s so important for me now. Well, I actually do pocketing two or three books on my phone to read, but let’s see if I can finish them all in one year. I wish I could find exciting non-fiction books around those themes, too.

About this blog? Pheww…

The first time I decided to make this blog about book and music reviews, I got big plans and hopes for this. As I always did for all of my blogs. I was so excited, and I churned two and a half book reviews in the span of weeks. (Two posted reviews and the half I deleted when I am writing this).

But then I got overwhelmed by my own ideas and imagination about this blog. I felt tired even before I did anything for this blog. Everytime I open my google docs I feel like quitting. Thus, I stopped and bid my time.

Then, real life smacked me just like that on my face. I neglected my undergraduate thesis and my friends (and still neglecting them all ‘till this day), and it is very hard to get back on track. I missed so much deadline I put on myself and I have been trying to reach them all for now. Forget about writing reviews, I can’t even write just a sentence for my thesis.

The last reason. I realized that I’m a one stupid motherfucker out there ever was. Just as I sat down one day, on a nice evening… October air? Yeah, any evening. I stared at the monitor of my laptop and thought: “Well, I can’t actually write a review!” I’m not a professional nor knowledgeable two judge other people’s hard work and delve deep into their work. I'm not technically smart enough to write a review too, since I don’t really know how to write one, what structures do I need to write one? The other thing I’m worried about is my purpose in writing a book review. Why do I want to write one? What will I gain by writing one? I still think about it a lot, and I feel like changing a thing or two if I still want to write a book review that I actually enjoy.

So, what is my plan for this blog, now that it’s gonna be 2021 in a few days?

First thing first, I’m not gonna put any targeted date of posting, nor will I review every book that I read. I will just write about the book I am most excited about without any set date. I think I can’t put too much pressure on myself like that now.

Second, I am not gonna write a review. Or, I’m not gonna call it a review, I’m not gonna stress myself with one. I’ll just call it a book I very like to talk about. I don’t need to fill my head with so many things draped all over me at once, I’ll just talk about the books I like just like how I talk about food I always think about when I’m craving for a warm meal.

Without further ado, I hope 2021 is a kind year for the bibliophile all around the world.

[house-of-ocs]

Kraken Akutagawa x Mermaid Akkata

A/N: This was seven pages and 3k words on my google docs enjoy!

Atlantis was a legendary kingdom said to dwell under the waves of the mighty sea. Everyone passed the kingdom off as nothing more than a myth, a legend told to small children for entertainment, no one knew that it was indeed a real place. Atlantis was ruled by King Richard and his wife Queen Emily. Like most royal families Richard and Emily had a daughter, that they named Akkata. Akkata was a free spirited and outspoken mermaid, normally she did what she wanted no matter what anyone said, much to the chagrin of her parents, especially her father. They tried their hardest to keep Akkata in check, but were mostly unsuccessful, they hoped that as she got older Akkata’s personality would mellow out a bit, and while it did Akkata could never get rid of the adventurous spirit she had buried inside of her. 

When she turned thirteen Akkata’s royal lessons began and she hated every second of them, she was forever trying to find excuses to get out of them, but everytime she thought she had escaped she was dragged right back. By the time she was sixteen Akkata had stopped trying to escape her lessons, but that didn’t mean she enjoyed them, her father had threatened to keep her on lockdown in the palace if she tried to escape again, and Akkata hated being cooped up in the castle more than she hated her lessons so she gritted her teeth and bared it. By the time she was eighteen Akkata was extremely bored. Being a princess was fine. It was just boring you couldn’t do anything on your own, everything was done for you. Her parents are always telling her that she should be proud of her kingdom and what she has, and she was but she couldn’t help but feel like something was missing, like there was this part of her that was missing and she didn’t know where to find it. One day these thoughts plagued Akkata’s mind as she swam through the reef not knowing that she was treading into deeper, darker unknown territory. She looked up when she ran into something hard, and saw that it was a cave.

There was a legend floating around the kingdom about a bloodthirsty, mer-eating kraken that lived where the sun didn’t touch the water. Akkata had heard these legends, but she had never believed them, according to the books she read in her spare time krakens were a species of octopus that died out centuries ago, so there was no way one could be living close to her home, and if it did live there she would have seen by now as krakens weren’t exactly easy to miss. Akkata turns to go back home, but a low growl coming from the cave makes her pause. A smart mermaid would swim away right then and there, but Akkata’s curiosity won over her survival instinct. She entered the cave finding that it had small bunches of bioluminescent plants scattered across the place, there were also the bones of fish and merfolk that littered the ground. Akkata hears the growl again, but this time it’s right behind her, she turns around toward the back of the cave to find a hulking shadow standing over her. It looked like it was laying on its stomach and Akkata could faintly make out the movements of eight long, big tentacles swirling behind it. It’s fathomless black eyes stare her down daring her to say anything, but she can't; she's speechless. The kraken growls at her again, and his hand moves forward Akkata easily dodges the oncoming appendage, she swims away as fast as she can; her heart beats out of her chest, but not from fear, oh no, from exhilaration. 

Akkata spends the rest of the day in the palace library searching through every book, looking for more facts on the kraken legend, that isn’t a legend after all. She closes yet another book growling in frustration at how little information there is. “I’ve never seen you read this much Akkata” A voice says from behind her. Akkata turns to see her closest friend, Nina Franchesca swimming up to her. Nina has known Akkata since the two were very young, and they’ve always been there for each other. “Nina, what do you know about krakens?” Akkata asked, Nina raised an eyebrow and swept some of her wild, red hair out of her face “Not much, why do you ask?” Nina responded. “I met one” Akkata said shortly, Nina giggled “That’s funny Akkata” She said, but one look at the other mergirl’s expression told her that she wasn’t joking, although now that Nina thought about it Akkata rarely ever jokes, if at all. “What did he look like?!” Nina asked, Akkata shook her head “I don’t know, it was too damn dark to see, but I could tell he was huge, and he had these captivating eyes” Akkata recalled. Nina started to pace back and forth “So the legends they’re true?” She wonders, Akkata shrugs “I guess” She mutters.

“Shouldn’t we tell your parents?” Nina asks. Akkata jumps up from where she’s sitting “Abso-fucking-lutely not!” She hissed. “Why not? Akkata, with something as big as a kraken living dangerously close to your home it would be a good idea to at least let your parents know that it exists” Nina informed, “And if we do father dearest will just send an army to go terrorize it. He hasn’t threatened anyone, sure he eats merpeople but with a body as big as his you have to eat something. Nina we have to keep this a secret as far as anyone else knows the kraken is still a legend Okay?” Akkata said, holding Nina’s forearms. Nina sighed through her nose “Fine, we won’t tell your parents, but you have to promise not to bother it” Nina conceded. Akkata nodded “I promise I won’t bother the kraken” She said. 

Later that night Akkata lay awake in bed thinking about that kraken, everytime she closed her eyes all she could see were those eyes, those dark, obsidian, eyes. She had promised Nina, but it wouldn’t hurt to visit it one more time would it? If it didn’t eat her the last time, maybe it wouldn’t this time, but just in case. Akkata got up and left her bedroom, she slipped past the guards, and out of the castle with practiced ease, she snatched up a fish from a passing reef, and swam to the location of the kraken’s cave.

Akkata floated in front of the cave for a second debating if she should just wait until tomorrow to see him again, but she knew her curiosity wouldn’t subside until she saw him again. She swam forward the cave having the same source of light as it did when she first entered it a few hours ago. That same growl from earlier echoed from behind her, and she turned and saw the same black eyes looking at her, only this time she could see the face that framed them. His skin was pale, and his hair was black and tipped with white, his arms were folded beneath his chest and he was glaring at her. “What are you doing back here mermaid?” He demanded, Akkata swallowed and dropped the fish she had brought on the ground in front of him “I brought you fish” She said simply before she turned and swam away. It continued like this for a few weeks Akkata would leave him fish and then would swim away without another word. One day that changed when she brought fish and a book she set the fish in front of him as she normally did but instead of leaving she made herself comfortable on a patch of moss, and opened her book. 

“What are you doing?” Kraken asked, glaring at Akkata’s still figure “Reading” She answered, for some reason he didn’t try to chase her away. It was like that for a while, and then Akkata started to attempt conversation. Kraken wasn’t much of a conversationalist, but she did get a name out of him, Akutagawa Ryunosuke, and in return she gave him her name. “Why do you keep coming back here?” Akutagawa demanded. Akkata looked up from the book she was reading “Hm?” She sounded. Akutagawa glared at her “Why do you keep coming back? Aren’t you afraid of me?” He hissed. Akkata shrugged “Not really. Should I be?” She asked, Akutagawa wrapped a thick tentacle around her waist and shoved her against the wall “I eat your kind Akkata, my name is spoken with fear across the entire ocean. I could rip you apart right now does that not bother you?!” He lectured. Akkata shook her head “I know you could hurt me, you could eat me right now, and no one would notice I’m gone until it's too late, but you haven’t yet and I’ve given you plenty of chances to, and you never took a single one of them” She observed. Akutagawa glared at her and unwrapped his tentacle from her waist he swam off to the deeper end of his cave leaving Akkata alone. 

The next day Akkata didn’t show up at her normal time at first Akutagawa thought she was just late, but as the day turned to night and she still hadn’t shown up he found himself feeling oddly upset. At first he thought nothing of it ‘She’ll be back tomorrow’ He reasoned, but two days turned to two weeks and two weeks turned to two months and still no Akkata. At first Akutagawa was relieved, no annoying mergirl to disrupt his schedule, but relief soon turned into another more empty feeling in his chest. Had he finally convinced her? Had she finally realized how dangerous he was, and decided that it would be safer to stay away? Had he finally driven it into her thick skull that he was no good to be around? That he destroyed everything he touched? Somehow the knowledge that he might have driven her away for good didn’t sit as well with him as it would have weeks earlier. 

Akutagawa sat in his cave the idea that he might have driven away the only true friend he'd ever had didn��t sit too well with him. What was this feeling? He hated it, he felt weak and helpless and he hated feeling that way. What had Akkata done to him? She must have cast some sort of spell on him, that was the only explanation wasn’t it? Almost three months later Akutagawa felt movement in his cave that didn’t come from him. He swam to the front of the cave ready to kill and eat whatever it was that had decided that it was smart to sneak into the lair of a kraken. He stopped when he saw who it was, Akkata stood there blissfully unaware of his previous intentions. She had come back, she had actually come back, he hadn’t driven her away after all. Another feeling, warmer than the one he had been feeling the past weeks, filled his chest he shook his head. Was he happy? He guessed he was.

Akkata turned around and jumped at the wide-eyed stare Akutagawa was giving her “Oh, there you are, I’ve got some really cool stuff to show you” She said as if she hadn’t left him alone for nearly three months without so much as a ‘goodbye’. “Where did you go?” He asked. Akkata rolled her eyes “My parents swept me off for some impromptu vacation something about ‘quality bonding time’” She scoffed. Akutagawa stared at her so she hadn’t left him. She was still going to visit him everyday until something like this happened again, he found himself feeling oddly light at the knowledge. “Did you miss me?” She asked, Akutagawa scoffed “Hardly, I was glad to be rid of you for a few months” He muttered. Akkata rolled her eyes “Whatever asshat” She settled down next to his hand and pulled the burlap sack she had brought along closer to herself she dug through it and pulled out what looked like a shiny stick, with smaller sticks attached to the top. “What is that?” Akutagawa asked as he squinted at the odd object “I have no idea but I saw some of the land dwellers eating with it” Akkata said. 

“Where’s the rest of your family?” She asked one day nearly a year after he had met her. Akutagawa looked at her, his eyes unreadable “Dead, killed by pirates” He answered shortly, “Oh, how long have you been on your own?” She asked, Akutagawa thought for a moment “Seventeen years”, “And you haven’t had any other contact at all?”, “No, I haven’t why are you asking me all of this?” He demanded “Just curious I guess” Akkata said “Well, stop being curious!” He snapped. “What is your deal? I never said you had to answer my questions, you did that on your own” Akkata argued. Akutagawa growled at her because she was right; he didn’t have to answer her questions; he could have just not said anything, but he chose to answer them, not that he would ever admit to this. “Whatever” He muttered instead. 

Weeks later those feelings Akutagawa detested began to grow and fester inside of him, he also noticed things about himself that have never been there before, and almost all of them would happen whenever Akkata was around. His cheeks would color, his heartbeat would quicken, and he couldn’t seem to stop thinking about her. Not to mention that she was around so often that her scent was starting to rub off on his cave. Akutagawa hated this, Akkata had done something to him. He was sure of it. Why else would he be feeling like this? One day as Akkata sat next to him, her newest book open in her lap, she brushed a strand of hair out of her face. Akutagawa's eyes followed the movement, and he growled. He was going to make her stop whatever she was doing to him right then and there. “Stop that” He demanded, “Stop what?” Akkata asked “Stop whatever it is you’re doing to me” He snapped “And what am I doing to you?” Akkata asked “You have cast a spell on me and I want to know how to make it stop” He said. Akkata raised an eyebrow “What makes you think I’ve casted a spell on you I don’t know magic” Akkata said. Akutagawa glared at her “These feelings only started because I met you, so obviously you caused them”, “What feelings?” Akkata asked exasperatedly. Akutagawa listed off the things he felt when Akkata was around, and by the time he was finished she was speechless “Ah, Akutagawa I didn’t cast a spell on you, but I think you have a crush on me” She supplied a light dusting of rose on her cheeks. 

Akutagawa’s eyes widened. A crush, he had a crush? “How do I make it stop?” He asked, “Well, you make it stop by dating the person you’re crushing on” Akkata said. Akutagawa stared her down. Akkata rubbed the back of her neck “I’ve never dated anyone before, but I want to try with you. It'll be weird at first, but we’ll make it work, and if it doesn’t I still want to be friends” She said as she placed her hand on top of Akutagawa’s. Akkata was right, it was weird at first, suddenly everything felt different one touch was enough to cause electricity to run through their bodies, but they eventually got used to the idea of dating. 

Nearly a year later, the feelings Akutagawa had for Akkata hadn’t lessened at all, they had only grown more. This time he refused to go to Akkata he would figure this out on his own, until then Akkata remained unaware of his feelings. One day as he waited for Akkata to come visit him Akutagawa noticed a shadow passing over the surface of the water, and he knew what that shadow was, a ship, a pirate ship, and it was heading straight for Akkata’s kingdom. Memories of how his family, his mother, his father, his sister, all died at the greedy hands of pirates, flashed through his mind if he lost Akkata, another person he cared deeply about, to pirates he would go mad. Without another thought he swam towards Akkata’s home hellbent on protecting what was his.

Meanwhile, the kingdom was in complete chaos. Soldiers, and men were readying for a battle with the pirates, and women and children were being urged into the palace for safety, and Akkata was still outside the palace directing the crowd into the castle. Akkata was so focused that she didn’t notice the net until it was too late. She was snagged and being dragged towards the surface with rapid speed she struggled and yanked attempting to free herself, but it was no use she was stuck. Suddenly the net she was in stopped moving she looked up and saw a large, black, white-tipped tentacle wrapped around the rope that held her net together “Akutagawa” She breathed, and there he was his jagged tentacles easily breaking the rope, the net fell apart and Akutagawa grabbed Akkata and placed her on his shoulder. She held on as he swam to the surface, and watched in fascination as he wrapped his tentacles around the ship and crushed it into smaller pieces the pirates scrambled for driftwood, but they were not able to handle the intensity of the waves. Akutagawa swam back down to the kingdom Akkata placed in his palm, everyone was quiet, no one quite believing what they were seeing.

‘Maybe they won’t be afraid’ Akkata thought, but she was proven wrong when someone screamed in fright. “It’s got the princess!” A soldier yelled the others drew their weapons, preparing for a battle that they would surely lose. Akutagawa wrapped a tentacle around Akkata’s waist “What are you doing?” She asked, “Just play along everything will be fine” Akutagawa urged, he lowered Akkata onto the ground, right next to her parents, he then released a cloud of ink and swam away. Akkata moved to go after him, but she was yanked into the castle before she could. After being checked over by the royal physician Akkata was released to her parents who fussed and fretted over her before sending her to her room with the promise of “Ending that vicious Kraken’s life”. Akkata attempted to escape her room only to be stopped by guards at her door, she was trapped. Akkata couldn’t help but worry about Akutagawa. The knowledge that he could easily defend himself against the palace guards did little to ease her anxieties. 

That night, when she was sure everyone was asleep, Akkata snuck out of the palace and ventured to Akutagawa’s cave to see if he was okay. But when Akkata got to the home of her beloved she found that he wasn’t there, she searched the whole cave not believing what she was seeing, but he was gone and any trace that he had been there was gone too, as if he had never lived there in the first place. Akkata returned to the castle in a daze, she ignored her parent’s scolding, the worried glances of the servants, even Nina’s concerned fretting. When she was totally alone in her room she slid to the floor, tears surfacing in her eyes, and streaming down her face, she cried and cried until she could cry no more. For Akutagawa Ryunosuke, her lover, and the only person she could confide in was gone. 

Two years later 

Akkata sits on the throne of the queen, her coronation was a month ago and she still hasn’t gotten used to the fact that she now ruled Atlantis. Suddenly a guard burst through the doors of the courtroom “Your majesty! The kraken, its back!” He gasped. Akkata’s eyes widened could it be? She swam down from her throne and stopped in front of the frazzled guard “Are you sure it's the same kraken from two years ago?” She asked. The guard nodded “Yes, your majesty”, Akkata swam past him, the guard following closely behind her. She opened the doors to the palace, and there he was, all forty feet of him standing in front of the palace his tentacles sweeping over the area surrounding him, creating small currents. She swam forward and past the guards pointing their weapons at him “Hold your fire!” Akkata commanded, “Your majesty?” One soldier asked, but Akkata ignored him in favor of staring at Akutagawa, taking in his presence after such a long time. She swam up until she was eye level with him, it was really him he was actually here. She reached out and touched his cheek, she chuckled 

“Hey Ryu,”

A/N: There it is folks! My first entry on Mermay! I really hope I didn’t screw up Akutagawa’s character, but I think I did fine. Anyway this is just the beginning. I hope to have more Mermay stuff out before the month ends, I’ll see when I get those done.

I think I’m gonna do that Gin x Abi Selkie Au I was talking about. I’m not sure yet.