#everything still looks better than how it did back in april 2022

[goldensunset]

peach the moment any offical art comes out we're all gonna flock to using that instead and it won't get any better

perfect. i can’t wait

[unionizedwizard]

don't. mind me 👍

i guess it's just. well. i feel a lot better these days, i only have to make sure to (ffxiv momence) look to the future and let go of the past, which is fun because i can literally not think about anything that happened between 1998 and, like, 2022 without Experiencing Extreme, Localized Endsinger-sponsored Despair and Pain. And also, technically 2018-2022 is not that bad of a period compared to the previous decades, but it's got its own specific flavor of Unsettling, because 1) I Forgor. like i literally forgot 90% of this time period. 2) every time i talk to my friends (who knew me back then) they mention something i said/did during these years and it feels. So wildly out of character. Like "he would not fucking say that" except that i apparently did, and i have no recollection of anything but i'll have to take their word for it, and it's. hm. terrifying! It's like my body was piloted by another consciousness for, like, 4 years straight, i forgot all the books i've read, all the new people i've met, most of the conversations i've had, pretty much all i remember (sort of) clearly is my cats, and even then the timeline is extremely blurry. I know it's a widespread and rather normal phenomenon to look back on your past self and feel like they're a stranger, lost to you now, but i cannot stress enough how literal this is for me. I really feel like i've been replaced by a doppelganger for four years. My blog (main) is, i think, more recent than that because i remember deactivating at some point so ive lost a lot of archives, but even then, when i scroll back several years, i mostly have no idea what 80% of my posts are about and have no memory of anything

But on the other hand, ive felt basically as if i was my 20yo self again since 2022. Extremely weird. I had this.... weird.... merging.... memory.... moment on august 1st 2022 and when i woke up i *was* the person who lay down To Die For Real in april 2018. it was. so confusing for so very long. i knew where i was because i was living in the same place and woke up in the same bed i'd been lying in back then, but everything else was ????. it even took time to adapt to my CATS, i only remembered catgar for a bit since he was there in 2018

and the weirdest thing was that suddenly, memories i couldnt access for four years (2018-2022), and specifically knowledge i couldnt recall during this time period... suddenly came back. clear as day. for four years i'd been trying to remember pretty much everything i'd read and learned in my philosophy classes in uni, and it didnt work, even trying to read the books themselves didnt work because everything felt blurry and nonsensical and illegible. this was one of the reasons i had to give up on my philosophy major when i went back to uni in september 2018. and then suddenly, after "i" (this self who had been to university as a philosophy major) woke up in august 2022, i could remember everything i'd studied from 2015-2018, with astonishing clarity. i didnt even need to make an effort, words and ideas came back to me spontaneously and everything made sense again! but on the other hand, pretty everything i had read and studied in uni (as a comparative literature major) from 2018-2022 was Lost. blurry and nonsensical and flat-out Forgotten to this day. and i still hold (some) memories from this time too, so it's really strange to try and make everything make sense. truly like two badly mixed set of memories/selves having to cohabit, on a daily basis

anyway that's not what i meant to say in the first place. but something that's becoming... more and more pressing, and real, these days (more of a long, months-long process) is that. well. i remember so much of my childhood and teen years, with such perfect clarity, and i've only told a tiny fraction of these memories to friends (and usually expunged from actual emotional weight. comedic deflection is my middle name). and i know i need to stop talking about these awful, terrible, sordid stories at all because it doesn't... do anything good. it hurts people who hear them, usually they can't stand it too (understandably so), and it is true that it makes me feel worse, but. and that's the problem. then why. what was it all for. will it all simply be ignored, denied, and then forgotten after i die with no one to remember about it? not only did i not get the most basic nurturing most people get (as infants!), which is actively ruining my life to this day, and which effects can only be somewhat lessened over time (if *i* put in the effort, which is. exhausting AND unfair to boot), not only did i lack these basic foundations... but i have to hollow myself out of whatever *is* there, too, for both my sake and others'? what then will remain of me? a ghost of a ghost, emptied out of all the filth and pain and poison at best, like i was simply born as a 25 years old? i never felt like an actual human person to begin with! the alienation is as old as i am!

I already forgot and was alienated from my 20 to 24 years old self, and i should also... simply ignore and repress and keep quiet everything else that i've experienced my whole life? This feels so unfair! My memories are the only thing testifying to this injustice, everyone else simply is rewriting the truth to make it convenient and comfortable (mother's side), or flatly ignoring everything out of a sense of unease (guilt?) (father's side). Should one simply erase this child from the world at all? From reality? From collective memory? It's not the child's fault their very presence brings suffering and discomfort to anyone who even glimpses them. And why should we keep ignoring them? And yet it *is* the best option. So really, what was it all for? There's no possible closure or understanding or justice or retribution or forgiveness or revenge, should i simply pretend none of this ever existed? There is no justice in this world, and i don't even know what form a possible justice could take in an ideal world, and i don't believe in heaven or anything like that, and i'm tired of looking to the future without having any kind of secure network and having to rely on myself only for everything and trust in my own resilience, but also this can never be remedied and i know it (don't "found family" me please) and it's just like.

how do you live with the knowledge that nobody ever came to your help, nobody rescued you or even tried to, you had to do it all yourself, and this can never be changed or helped, and if you look to the past it will only burden and destroy you further as well as harm the people who now care about you and are in your life, and you can't fix anything and the only way is forward, and erasing your entire childhood self, your memories (the good mixed with the bad) is the only way to keep on living? should i have to erase myself to have the faintest hope to live? i'm a hollowed-out mind in the best days, when this can be construed as lightness. is this fair? is this fair? is this fair?

[fruitgummies01]

Just a question out of curiosity.....That you said you became BTS's fan after jhope was already Enlisted which probably means after 18th April 2023 and initially you were kinda in tkkrs space as in u saw more of their content cause of algorithms or wtv So how did you become jikook's fan? What i mean is in 2023 there isn't much of jikook seen together like in all previous years, because previous yrs it's like jikook were attached at the hip compared to that they weren't really seen together much and i guess even after April 2023 there's Taekook appearances here and there too so without having much of jikook content at hand how did you thought that they were probably closer than others?

This is just a question out of curiosity cause honestly i thought that most of the people who would join around 2022-23 will always have this impression of jikook that they're just co-workers who work for the same band and nothing else lol. Not like antis don't try to spread that agenda everywhere since forever.

Hmmmm. I'm deciding whether to make this a long or short post haha, because I really have so much to say about this. When I first started getting into BTS there was just soooo much content, but one of the things that would constantly and consistently come up with be tkk content. And I don't even mean in the shipping sense (at least not at first). Large update accounts would post about them frequently, and almost all if not most posts would be about them under any content. It was like BTS as a group and then tkk, those were the two things that I was seeing on a regular basis. Being a new person to the fandom, you take what you see at face value, especially if so many big accounts seem to be cosigning what is being said (and again based on what you said, because there was a lack of any jikook content, a lot of people just weren't pushing back on a lot of things that were being pushed). . And because the algorithim is what it is, I started getting recommended tkk videos. And again because I didn't know any better, I would watch them and that again would shape my opinions of the other members without fully knowing it. I started to believe that tkk was the foundational friendship/rs/whatever you wanna call it ship within the group that everything pretty much revolved around if that makes.

Looking back on it, a lot of the videos that I would watch to get myself acquainted with the group painted Jimin as the one being all over Jungkook and not respecting his personal space and wanting attention, and they used (what I would find out later) to be manipulated videos or videos taken out of context. So I began to form these somewhat negative opinions of Jimin (which is ironic because he is now my bias).

But to answer your question, how did I become a fan of jikook, it sorta happened in stages. I already had in the back of my mind when I would watch compilation videos of BTS, that I really wasn't seeing any um, emotional chemistry between tkk (that's another story), but I over looked it because I just figured it was because I was new. I think I mentioned this before, but Tae being seen with Jennie in Paris was a HUGE eye opener. And honestly, I might still be wrapped up in that side of the fandom had that moment not happened. But I'm so thankful it did, because it allowed me to see with my own eyes, in real time just how they lied and gaslighted fans into believing that the whole thing never happened by making up these wild theories. That people just believed without any pushback, and how that information was just parroted back to other people in this sort of weird circle. My brain just isn't wired like that, so I stopped watching those compilation videos and edits because I realized none of those people were reliable (no offense), and went back to watch all official content (that actually painted a completely different picture).

Watching Jungkook's weverse lives played a big part in changing my opinion on Jikook and Jimin. That man would bring him up without fans having to say anything, and be happy to talk about him. And what's apparent about Jungkook in getting to know him, is he never fakes anything, so if he's talking about him, it means something to him. Both Jimin and Jungkook would also say things insinuating that they had watched the other's weverse lives, which I thought was interesting. That weverse live with JK in bed trying to entice Jimin to do a live was also another turning point. I still laugh thinking about JK saying he would take his stuff to wash up AT Jimin's house, when he could've just done so BEFORE leaving. JK was on a mission that morning haha.

I should say after all this lol, that I am still not 100% sold that they are in an actual romantic relationship. I see A LOT of signs that point in that direction, but with cultural differences anything could be possible. I do see a beautiful and deep bond, especially with these AYS episodes and them enlisting together right afterwards. Even though they were planning to spend every day together for 18 months, they still carved out time in their insanely busy schedules to spend even more time together filming AYS. Regardless of what their labels are, it's clear that they are both priorities in each others lives. I think they both need each other in real ways that are very different from the ways they need the other members. I wrote a lot so I'll stop here, but I could go on, but won't haha.

[dballzposting]

Dballzposting rant

In the DBS:SH movie they came out with the statement that Saiyan children will be little until one day they sprout up like weeds. This was the case for Goku. But this was not how Gohan was handled. But with Goten & Trunks they were like .... No yeah let's get back to that. Let's recontextualize Goku's past into Saiyan canon. Gohan was just a freak of nature and should not be taken as the standard

And for all I know this could have already been an implicit decision done when they made DBS, they just never outright said it but elected to show it.

Or maybe they just didn't want to change Goten & Trunks's designs or personalities too much (more than likely).

Personal story time. Some of you may be aware of my pipe dream of ask-tarble my silly rabbit ask-tarble. When I conceptualized ask-tarble it was April of 2022, and the DBS:SH movie didn't air until August of that same year.

I decided back then to have Goten & Trunks to be around 13 & 14 on ask-tarble (timeline reasons, and also I wanted to portray Trunks with braces for some reason. I did a lot of random things that summer for "some reason." I was kind of off my rocker.), and I also decided to - unlike on DBS - actually show Goten & Trunks maturing in a more human way. I felt at the time that this would be more relatable to an audience, would ameliorate the conceptual infuriation of how that wasnt the case on DBS, and -- ultimately, essentially, long story short -- I Thought That It Would Be the funniest possible thing to do.

Okkkkkkkkkkkk cool fine. But then the movie came out and I felt real fucking funny about my decision (that was already put into motion and that I felt couldn't be taken back). I knew that I COULD retcon the few posts I had going and honor the newfound canon, but, I didnt really want to. I decided to push forward with what I had.

But it still bugs me. And then they recently reinforced that little Saiyan fact AGAIN on Dragon Ball Daima, when Krillin tells Trunks that he doesn't look like he's aged a bit.

Which is fineeeeeeee. Except for the fact that I really don't like to be outright contrary to canon without a solid cause, and I've had hoards of doubts over the past few years about the chosen characterizations for Goten & Trunks on ask-tarble, even though it's all theoretical and in my head still, I just kind of hate what I've set up.

And ultimatelyyyy. This is the big one. I've changed a lot since summer of 2022. I've gotten stronger and better and faster and wiser .....

I thought then that teenage age groups are funny and thats not wrong. But whats also exceedingly funny, that I just couldnt understand back then, is Goten & Trunks as they are now.

Walk & talk with me. Goten is at his absolute funniest when he expresses a negative opinion. It's what makes him real & believable. Most of the time on screen he is happy go-lucky and naive, he is trusting, he is excitable, and this is great fun, but it means that when he DOES think that something is shit, it's so funny. Like when in DBS he thought that The Great Saiyaman was totally lameboat. And then he put on a pair of sunglasses about it.

He's at his funniest when he embodies the conviction of an old man sitting on his porch, as young children sometimes do, learning how to be human by mirroring the adults in their lives - but still putting their own spin on it.

I mean ... If you have an ask blog then you have total creative freedom of what you do. There could be so many funny moments. Extended Son Goten screentime.

It could be precisely like that Tails Gets Trolled bit when Shadow was talking about his gruesome and morbid experience in time jail or something and Sonic was just like "Ok well that's stupid."

That's Goten. He overlooks everything you just said becasue there were a few joints in your story that felt derivative or cheap and so he's just like "Ok well that's stupid."

That would be so funny. And real as well

I mean he could (and will) still be like that as a young teen but it's just funnier if he's a child. He contorts his brow like an old man and makes his evaluation your problem

[renyen808]

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The TV Show We (and Disney) Needed

Back when I was a child, I had a difficult time reading. In fact, I loathed it. I never understood why we had to read in the first place, it seemed extremely tedious to me. It had gotten so bad to the point where it became obvious that I just did not want to read. It wasn’t until my parents signed me up for this reading thing at my elementary school, where after hours, like dinner time, they would give us a book to read. I wasn’t a fan of this because why the hell would I want to be reading at 7 pm on a Wednesday night? Yes, you read that correctly, a Wednesday! The first session, they made us read a book from an author in Hawai’i. They wrote a children’s book and they made us read it, which I didn’t because it never interested me. So, the next Wednesday comes around and I just expect it to be the same. Just give me my copy of the book that I am never going to read again and I’ll call it a day. But that didn’t happen. For the first time, I actually found a book I was interested in: The Lightning Thief. 

(Credit: Goodreads)

Everything about Percy entrapped me in this mystical world of Greek Gods, monsters, and half-bloods. I was never like this before, reading page after page just to know what happens next. Along with that, since I started reading them when I was twelve, it was a great way to see myself in these different characters, feeling the triumph and betrayal throughout every twist and turn of their adventure.

I read all of Percy Jackson and the Olympians and The Heroes of Olympus throughout my time in school, and also watched the movies, but, while watching the movies, I was disappointed to find that it wasn’t like how I imagined it. They changed aspects of the story that didn’t need changing and in doing so, kinda destroyed the magic that made it so great. Grover was a kind hearted boy and while I like Brandon T. Jackson, I didn’t buy him as Grover. Sure he was a great friend to Percy, but he wasn’t Grover to me. Logan Lerman was the perfect Percy, just the wrong time for him. And do not get me started on Alexandra Daddario as Annabeth, she was the worst offender of the three in my opinion. Them changing every aspect of the story just made me super upset, and do not get me started on that second movie (Love you Blackjack). The point is, as a Percy Jackson fan, we needed better, we deserved it!

(Credit: Wikipedia)

During 2020, I finally got my wish when they announced that the show was greenlit. Everyone around the world rejoiced as we finally got our chance. Once that happened, everyone started to wonder about who would be casted as the titular character. Then, April 2022, Walker Scobell was announced. At this point, I haven’t watched the Adam Project or anything that he has done, but after watching it, I was stunned, I was like, ‘That’s Percy…’ Then, Leah Sava Jeffries and Aryan Simhadri were casted as Annabeth and Grover and the world lit on fire in the community.

(Credit: Polygon)

As a woman of color myself, not African American, but Asian, I was ecstatic to see Jeffries take on Annabeth. I’m the type of person that cares more about if they embody the soul of the character than the appearance. Daddario may have looked like Annabeth, but Jeffries IS Annabeth. There are still portions of the community that cannot wrap their head around that the beloved daughter of Athena is a different race, but I don’t care. It is especially prominent in this Facebook group (yes, I still use Facebook) I am a part of to share my love for Percy Jackson. I try to surround myself with like minded people, and sometimes, a few of the racist ones just come through.

As you can see, I loved the series. From the moment I heard Scobell’s voice, I knew the series was built with so much love. I always felt drawn to Percy, being from Hawai’i, the ocean is special to me. I always found his snark and humor relatable, since I am similar with my friends and family. I also was drawn to Annabeth with her no nonsense attitude, along with being a strong female character. Also, cannot forget Grover, the literal glue of the group. The quest would have gone completely wrong if not for him. Scobell, Jeffries, and Simhadri all played their roles to perfection. They are truly the Golden Trio come to life. 

(Credit: Town and Country Magazine)

I need to also call attention to all the different actors and actresses who played supporting roles throughout the series. Virginia Kull’s masterful performance as Sally, showing just how difficult it can be on the mortal parents of a demigod child. Glynn Turman as the perfect Chiron, showing a sense of care and concern as Percy’s mentor. Jason Mantzoukas’ performance as Mr. D is a standout, with him completely capturing what it means to be the punished director of Camp Half-Blood. Megan Mullally was an amazing Alecto, bringing a sense of fear immediately into Percy’s life. Timm Sharp played an amazing Gabe Ugliano, showcasing a different way that Gabe could be portrayed for an audience today. Adam Copeland, also known as Edge in the WWE, plays Ares, a terrifying force in the book that Copeland captures perfectly. Also want to shout out Nick Boraine, the voice of Kronos, who brings a sinister feel to the series, showing he is the big bad of this story.

(Credit: PopBuzz)

I wanted to make a separate paragraph for the last supporting character: Luke Castellan. Luke is played by Charlie Bushnell, who really sold me as a demigod feeling betrayed by the gods. Just from his acting in Episodes 2 and 8 solidified to me that this is how Luke is. Granted, the confrontation scene is not as sinister as it is in the book, I believe that the TV series did it better, where Annabeth is there in person to see the betrayal happen. I mean, that is literally her brother betraying her, I cannot imagine what she is going through. Bushnell really sold it as Luke honestly, showing he’s an upset demigod who believes the gods have turned their backs on them. He made use of his time on screen, and I cannot wait to see him in future installments as our big bad.

(Credit: IGN)

Overall, this series is what we all deserved! I understand that people are upset that it was not completely faithful to the books, and that is a valid argument, but I will say this: if you want a faithful adaptation, read the books and recreate it in your head. Nothing will ever be a perfect copy of another, not with humans around. I think instead of nitpicking the differences and inconsistencies between the two, we should embrace the changes. Embrace the fact that this was even created in the first place and be grateful for it. Embrace the fact that we have a great TV show, but god forbid they forget about the scorpion that Luke poisons Percy with. The books, movies, the TV show, they’re all interpretations of the same idea, and we all have different thoughts about the idea, that at the end of the day, at least one person will be a hater. Anyway, with millions of views each episode, I’m sure season two is coming, and with that my boy Blackjack!

[solitarydoomsday]

RAUUUGHHHH BLOCKSTUCK UPDATE FOR 6/12

RAUUUGHHGFHHH THIS HAS BEEN LIKE WAY TOO LONG IN THE MAKIGN BUT I FIGURED AN UPDATE WOULD BE FITTING FOR 6/12!!! its a super short update but i promise i won't leave you guys hanging for 2 years again lmfao. more coming soon!!! >:33

FIRST PAGE: https://mspfa.com/?s=43188&p=1

p.s. explanation for the excruciatingly long hiatus under the cut vv

i feel like i . owe you all an explaination with how long that really took to update. for fuck's sake it's been since april of 2022 since i updated it. i'm not gonna go into too much detail but pretty much Fucking Everything got away from me. that was the year my life kinda went to Shit towards the end and it sparked a really really fucking long depression that i just Couldnt Cope With so i just kind of. rotted. and so did most of my projects.

i'm on antidepressants now though, and i really wanna finish this story, even if it's gonna take me years just to finish one act. i put a *lot* of effort into this just for a simple self insert comic, and even though i don't entirely align with aselus' character anymore, i'm determined to finish what i've started. i still have a story to tell, i still have ideas and dreams for this comic, even if it wasn't initially what i wanted for it. even if it is just, at it's core, a cringy au where my self insert is friends with the main cast of characters. i still love this stupid thing, and i wanna finish it.

*however*,i'm not going to keep up with an "update schedule" anymore. i am, after all, just one guy working on this. it's not like hussie themself had an update schedule anyway. not to mention, i'm making all the music and panels and flashes all by myself, and i am learning how to use half of this shit from *scratch*. the update schedule just adds another layer of stress to the whole ordeal, and i'm not looking to add more stress to my plate with me trying to finish school and get into college early next year. i want this to be fun just as much for me as it is for anybody who decides to read blockstuck. i know that's extremely mushy for a comic like this, but i really do want this to be something i can fondly look back on as something i made that was actually pretty decent.

i already have a backlog of blockstuck panels ready to go, i'm working on one of the first flashes of the whole comic, but i'll start to slowly pump out the rest of what i've been working on when i can or . really even remember.

if you! read this novel of an explaination, thank you for listening to my creator woes, but i hope you can enjoy blockstuck as much as i have making it :) and this is !! hopefully going to be a better "start" than what i already started with.

thanks again to anybody whos stuck with the comic, and also sorry again to hussie for cussing them out when i first started this comic, lmfao. i still hate their guts but i love their work. Guh.

anyways. happy 6/12 everypony

[c-ronus]

ok I've seen alot of people give kind of there story of how they got into fable so to the best of my memory here's mine:

Tw: mentions of death and cancer

So i found fable around 3 strikes that was my first lore stream that I remember and I found fable in general when I was about to go into my first year in secondary school and I was alone I had no friends from my primary school with me and I was scared that I'd be bad at making new friends. (spoiler I was and am) I was scrolling on tiktok and I kept getting this videos of an smp called fable smp and there was this one cosolayer that I recognised from their technoblade cosplay (I used to watch cosplay compilations on YouTube before tiktok) so I followed them and didn't think much of it.

A little while later I was on twitch waiting for an mcc to start and I saw someone streaming and I recognised not only the cosplay that they were in but also the user name: sherbertquake56 so I decided to check them out and they where bloody awesome.(I started following them on November 28th 2021)

Then 3 strikes happened and I was hooked I joined the discord and was just chilling watching sherbert perspective, but then I got busy with school and was struggling to keep up but I tried my best, it didn't help that I could never watch them live but that didn't stop me. But over the next few months I did kind of stop watching it was coming up to Christmas and I had alot of exams but then in April I'm not sure exactly what dragged me back but it was heyhay, who again I recognised from the cosplay compilations I used to watch spicificly the dream XD cosplay as that was the first cosplayer that I saw that looked like me, so on April 8th 2022 I was dragged back into fable then later in June 6th 2022 I found ghosty, and those where my people and I was happy, it was summer and it was great.

But then around half way through my second year at school my best and only friend left and I was alone, again but again I found so much comfort in watching fable on days when I truly thought I had no one and it was like that for a while. I finished out my second year and I want alone anymore, although physically I was still quite lonely I had friends, Fable brought me first Bean and from there it cascaded into so many people I now consider family (rora and wonder to name two) and I was ok with that I knew I wasn't alone and that I had people and is still have them so much so that in a few days (4 days from when I'm writing this) me and bean will have been together for a year and that's unreal to me.

Like everything tho it wasn't ment to last, that summer my family found out that my granny had cancer it hit everyone like a pile.of bricks, it seemed like she was doing well, we had her so much longer than we thought we would, but in December we lost her and fable was there again but so we're my friends.

I'm now almost finished my third year at school and in 2 weeks I have my first set of state exams and although there won't be any new fable stories to watch I know that the streams I've come to love and find comfort in will be there and so will my friends. I'm still not great at makeing or keeping friends but I think slowly I'll find all of my people and it will be good.

So thank you fable smp, to the cast I can't wait to see what comes next from you in your next story or adventure! and to the community, over all I was very quiet with my presence in this community like I am with all of them but in my little corner I was so bloody loud about it and I can't ask for a better community for that!

wewo this was fun :3 (ok I'm done being sappy about fable I promise)

[raccoonsmate4life]

I posted 449 times in 2022

That's 220 more posts than 2021!

263 posts created (59%)

186 posts reblogged (41%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@morganupstead

@chrisodonline

@eagerforthesky

@chicgeekgirl89

@raccoonsmate4life

I tagged 413 of my posts in 2022

Only 8% of my posts had no tags

#ncisla - 256 posts

#chicago fire - 117 posts

#stellaride - 60 posts

#kelly severide - 37 posts

#stella kidd - 36 posts

#densi - 34 posts

#stellaride wedding - 32 posts

#13x22 - 29 posts

#chicago pd - 22 posts

#13x21 - 20 posts

Longest Tag: 80 characters

#i published another post-ep the other day (different fandom) and it felt so good

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

This is not a drill.

I have been writing again.  Mostly Stellaride, but I am working on a Densi post-ep from last week and have a multi-chapter idea for Densi that I’m trying to plan out.  It’s amazing what a change in antidepressant protocol can do!

I haven’t been posting my Stellaride stuff on ff.net because the audience seems to mostly be on AO3, but I’ll post my Densi stuff both places.

Stellaride post 10x10

Stellaride post 10x11

Stellaride collection

Stellaride fix-it of Stella coming home

45 notes - Posted March 13, 2022

#4

I love Edit [Janko] Reagan

“Don’t look at me, you guys raised him”

47 notes - Posted April 29, 2022

#3

Please PLEASE tell me Mason wrote “Just Married” on Kelly’s car with post-it notes. PLEASE.

69 notes - Posted May 25, 2022

#2

“Kelly, the simple truth is that you are m a g i c to me. Whenever I’m at my lowest, you lift me up. You never leave my side. You are the goodest of men. And yes, we are taking a huge, crazy leap into the unknown, but we’re doing it together. And when I need to hear it, you’ll tell me, ‘you’ve got this Stella Kidd,’ and I’ll know that everything will be okay because it always is when I’m with you. I love you with everything I’ve got, Kelly Severide, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Stella, I decided a long time ago that if I was gonna be with you, I needed to be worthy of you, which seemed impossible. How do I become worthy of someone brave enough to show who they are inside and out? What makes me this better person that I keep hearing about is you keep me from locking things up. Instead, you made sure you really knew me. Then by some miracle, you still love me. Stella, I might never be worthy of you, but I promise to spend the rest of my life trying. And I love you.”

91 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Obv I went back and watched the Stellaride hospital scene like 15 times just now.  Things I loved:

- Stella being so worried she can’t even form a single complete thought

- the way she is afraid to touch him where he’s injured so she just keeps touching his face

- KELLY SEVERIDE WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES

- the way he tucks his head into her chest when she hugs him close

- the way he choked up when he told her he loved her

- the placement of his hands on her upper thighs when Boden walks in

- Kelly wiping his tears away as Boden and the detective come in

- DID I MENTION KELLY SEVERIDE WAS SO EMOTIONAL HE WAS BASICALLY CRYING??

- more face touching

- the way Stella cradles his head against her after they’re left alone again

YOU GUYS.  I just freaking love them so freaking much and they’re getting freaking married NEXT WEEK. 

98 notes - Posted May 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[kukies-capabilities]

I posted 131 times in 2022

That's 13 more posts than 2021!

82 posts created (63%)

49 posts reblogged (37%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@gatheryepens

@nietxsche

@spelledslots

@elysianania

@autistudyblr

I tagged 85 of my posts in 2022

Only 35% of my posts had no tags

#study blog - 77 posts

#studyblr - 77 posts

#sixth form - 76 posts

#a levels - 75 posts

#study space - 75 posts

#studywithme - 72 posts

#a level physics - 70 posts

#a level maths - 54 posts

#year 12 - 52 posts

#a level further maths - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 104 characters

#i’ll probably lose but i don’t know what to do with myself and this seems like the best option right now

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

On Thursday I woke up with a migraine and made myself go to school cause there was a show I didn’t want to miss and I had both of my maths teachers that day. I did this with the plan on not going in on Friday. Come Friday I still feel horrible, my skin feels sensitive, my eyes hurt when I move them. I’m suffering. I eventuality take a covid test and it comeback positive.

I wrote off my original symptoms as a combination of me over working myself and stress. This so my first time testing positive since the start of the pandemic. I’m not as invincible as I though. 😪

Day 24: What's your favourite beverage?

Nigerian Fanta. It’s sold in a glass bottle and it so much better than what the one that they sell herein the UK.

Day 25: What does your ideal breakfast look like?

A breakfast wrap/sandwich that contains eggs and sausage (beef of course)

Fruit and yogurt parfait on the side

Day 26: What's the cosiest place in your mind right now?

My bedroom. Just me, my bed and Aristotle and Dante

And the public library I go to. Me and all those books.

26 notes - Posted February 26, 2022

#4

I think I am starting to enjoy revising/studying (would enjoy it much more if my maths exam wasn’t so close but you win some you lose some). I think have a routine that works for me for now.

Ramadan is less than 20 days away and I need to come up with some sort of timetable to ensure I get enough sleep, and can still revise. I wish I was the type of person wi could fall asleep where ever quickly. If I was I wouldn’t Bebe bother changing my routine much. I would just take naps everywhere.

15th March: How do you deal with academic/work stress? Do you have a coping system/mechanism?

I feel like I’m in a constant state of panic so at this point I don’t get affected much.

However every once in a while I do stress more than usual so much so that my appetite is usually affected. In those scenarios I make sure to write down everything I need to do and spread it out over a period of time.

I have learnt that when I have a lot of something to do, that me trying to do it all in one day doesn’t work for me. I get bored and ended up working img slowly. Or I get stressed by how much I have left to do, and end up freezing.

29 notes - Posted March 15, 2022

#3

First week back at school done. It was tiring, and I took today (Sunday) to complete relax and do no work. I know this is gonna be my last peaceful/stress-less day for a while so I savoured it.

I started listening to a true crime podcast called “female criminals” and a history podcast called “history’s b side” both are quite interesting. Would recommend both of them.

I went to my first bookclub meeting. I joined the club a couple months back but never I never went to the meetings cause didn’t have time to read the books. But I managed to this month and it was fun talking to other about books.

Quantum fact: The uncertainty principle tells us that the more we know about one property of a wave the less we know about another. Pairs include Wavelength and location as well as energy and time. For example, the easier it is to pinpoint the location of a wave, the harder it is to find its wavelength.

See the full post

31 notes - Posted April 24, 2022

#2

I went exploring over the weekend!!!!

Saturday 19th March

I went to the Future Robots: Material Futures X DeepMind exhibition in London with a friend. It was cool and interesting. My favourite part was the synesthesia translator

We then went to a cafe in bookstore and worked for a bit. I felt so ✨aesthetic✨

Sunday 20th March

Went to the British library with my friend. It was so huge but a nice change of scenery

Took my younger sister with me and I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. Her being there made it more stressful and harder for me to concentrate as I had to ensure that she was safe

51 notes - Posted March 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Day 1: What’s your favourite podcast?

The Magnus archives. Such a good podcast. I have season 5 left and then it’s over 🥲

I did just finish “Fearie” today and that is definitely a good one

85 notes - Posted February 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sinistergooseberries]

I posted 22,005 times in 2022

346 posts created (2%)

21,659 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@pitrsattabhaadmeinjao

@nightimestar

@transgender-rex

@maleficent-cannoli

I tagged 1,196 of my posts in 2022

#ask - 79 posts

#rrr - 33 posts

#rambheem - 27 posts

#vegaspete - 22 posts

#kinnporsche crack - 21 posts

#ref - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#ddjdddjdhjddjdddjdhjsdddjdddjdhjddjdddjdhjsdhdjjdhjddjdddjdhjsdddjdddjdhjddjdddjdhjsdhdjdhhjddjdddjdhjsdddjdddjdhjddjdddjdhjsdhdjdhdhddjd

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

BRUH no one is choosing the arch squad this hilarious

23 notes - Posted October 27, 2022

#4

ok ok ok ok ok soooooo i cannot, i repeat, i cannot keep this inside anymore

rambheem have defeated scott and now have gone their separate ways fighting their separate battles but ofc they think about each other frequently.

what if what if now that bheem can write and read he starts letter writing. and the first letter he sends is to ram. (neither of them have realised their feelings for each other here yet). ram is overjoyed the moment he reads the letter and writes another back.

and slowly this becomes a routine of theirs (there can also be the OT3 ramxsitaxbheem 👀👀) and they start to fall in love. and because they are oblivious (yes i hc sita as a really clever and kind person who can do everything and anything except when it comes to love ) and they have some violent reactions to this.

so far i only have this but feel?free to add on!

just gonna tag a few ppl: @lil-stark @cobbledstone @raindrops-on--roses @rambheem-is-real @thewinchestergirl1208

29 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

#3

we thought vegaspete would be the couple with communication issues and a whole lot of sex but oh what a surprise

29 notes - Posted July 3, 2022

#2

JennySita Fic

I went a bit crazy today and I guess, here you go, the word vomit.

"Love is the aiiiiiiirr," Sita sang as she smirked at Bheem from her study table.

"Oh my god," Bheem groaned. "I already told you, I don't like him that much."

"Sure, Bheem," Sita said, still smirking.

Bheem groaned. It was a mistake to tell his best friend about his crush on the hot senior.

"Fuck you, Sita," Bheem said as he lifted himself off from the bed and walked out of her room.

Sita sighed in relief. If her best friend started moping, he didn't stop. It had happened with his ex-partners and it was probably going to happen with this guy, whose name he hadn't given.

She went back to studying. She had better things to do than look after her wreck of a best friend.

"Hey," Bheem popped his his head into the room.

"What now?" Sita asked without looking up.

"Jenny's here," Bheem said and Sita swore she could hear the smugness in his voice thatlittle-

"Tell her I'll be there in a minute," Sita said.

"'Kay," Bheem said and went back into the hall. Sita closed the door after him.

God.

She placed a hand on her heart. She groaned as she felt it racing. She wondered how Jenny looked. Did she wear that baby blue shirt with that white jean skirt? Sita was going to die if she wore that, oh god. Spot dead, no blood, brain hemorrhage. She looked so cute in that.

Focus, Sita. Focus.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She..... looked like she was at home. And, she was! No need to feel like a greasy gremlin in her own house.

Well, it was rented but...still.

Her hair was not looking too bad for someone who had run their hands through it one too many times. She smoothed it out with her comb.

After she calmed down a bit, she went outside. Jenny and Bheem were talking with glasses of Slice in their hands. For Sita's sake, Jenny was not wearing anything too cute, just a shirt and jeans.

Jenny noticed her first. "Oh, Sita!" she exclaimed with a smile.

Sita was never going to live from the starting, was she?

Jenny hugged her and Sita was immediately engulfed by the scent of lavender. She hugged Jenny back, and maybe, just maybe, she was hugging for a bit too long. Being in Jenny's arms cured her of every anxiety that was there.

"Shall we go?" Jenny asked after they let go of each other.

Were Jenny's cheeks red or was she imagining it?

It was Jenny's perplexed expression that brought Sita back. "Oh. Um, where?"

Jenny tilted her head, quirking her eyebrow. "You said you'd come with me for ice cream and fast food today, remember?" she said.

Realisation dawned on her. "Oh. Right," Sita said. "I'll be back in a minute. I'm so sorry!"

See the full post

43 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

man i fucking love water

120 notes - Posted May 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[vampvelvet]

I posted 12,921 times in 2022

That's 7,439 more posts than 2021!

608 posts created (5%)

12,313 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@wizardpotions

@clumpofglitter

@niceferatu

@lake-lady

@officialbogwitch

I tagged 975 of my posts in 2022

#community nbc - 41 posts

#save - 37 posts

#nonbinary - 33 posts

#mlp - 22 posts

#dont rb - 22 posts

#arfid - 21 posts

#lgbt - 20 posts

#art - 19 posts

#nephs art - 19 posts

#nephs ocs - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#this is so presumptuous about the reader like yeah i am working towards a better life and a better self. establish that this isnt universal

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

PSA on second hand shopping

more people need to shop at thrift stores, rummage sales, estate sales, consignment, flea markets, and the like. I don't care if you can afford new stuff, if you think it's dirty, if you don't feel like spending the time sifting through things you don't want. fast fashion and other quick moving industries are killing us.

so many thrift shops are begging people to buy more, and they have to stop taking donations for a while. a lot of rummage sale sellers will throw out what they don't sell by the end of the weekend, and they can negotiate and give you deals..

even if you don't want clothes, chances are you will find something you needed anyways, or find something you didn't know you needed. I promise you can find time in your hurried schedule to make a weekend out of rummage saling, and it's so much more fun then taking a minute to add a new shirt to your cart on amazon.

and while you're at it, set up a rummage sale of your own if you can, even in favor of listing it online. there's people in your community who will take a weekend to check it out, and those people are often in need of cheaper options for things like clothes, shoes, kitchenware, etc.

and please for the love of god if am item is still in working condition, use it as long as possible, or give it/sell it away if you must. do not throw away perfectly good items.

buying second hand saves the earth

134 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

#4

See the full post

135 notes - Posted April 4, 2022

#3

the greendale 7 deadly sins

I did these based on the characters' weak points if u know what I mean?

britta- pride

- she is confident in herself without reason. at the beginning of the show, she seems confident and smart. Later, we find out about her failed activism, her inability to back up her statements, and her shaky relationship with her parents. Not to mention the whole therapist situation.

troy- envy

- it's discussed in the show that troy and abed spend too much time together. they've mentioned how much his identity was tied to abed. he wanted to be like abed, spend a lot of time with him, live with him. he wanted abed to know he was out there somewhere and look for him! he had envy knowing that if he met abed, he would have been so much different in his high school years.

abed- gluttony

- not in the sense that most media portrays gluttony, but it's also depicted as lack of self restraint. Abed often has to learn when he's going too far such as hiring celebrity lookalikes. Frankie ends up teaching him to rely on things other than TV, like he did in the past.

jeff- sloth

- this one is self explanatory I think. Jeff does everything he can to do less work both as a student and as a teacher, even as a friend. he would only break into a light jog!

annie- lust

- as much as I hate to say it, annie did spend a lot of the time wanting a relationship with Jeff. though even even admitted it wasn't even jeff that she wanted, I was just the idea of love. but even at times when she isn't going after Jeff, she's thinking about romance in the future, like her missing lover tapes. she's very anxious about her future in this sense.

shirley- wrath

- shirley has an entire backstorys worth of anger issues. she started as stabbing kids with Foosball sticks, to trashing slaters office in the name of Jeff. now, she takes out her anger on more organized matters such as any of the schoolwide games, or various heists the group does. she definelty expresses her wrath healthier than she did in the past, but it's still very intense compared to her usual self

pierce- greed

- he wants everything. he wanted the handshake, he wanted Shirley's sandwiches, and most of all he wanted constant inclusion. But none of it was things he deserved, given how he treated his friends. And if he didn't get it, he forced his way into it (with money usually)

feel free to add on your opinions :)

159 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

#2

active member of the adhd symptom fandom

227 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

hc that every human character matt berry has played is just lazlo pretending to be human. the grifting professor in community? that's just lazlo having a grand old time!

974 notes - Posted September 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[anarchyduck]

I posted 3,796 times in 2022

89 posts created (2%)

3,707 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@hockpock

@karinaisloud

@folk-melody

@alynnl

@abc2411

I tagged 1,194 of my posts in 2022

#marvel - 490 posts

#spiderman - 441 posts

#peter parker - 110 posts

#dragon age - 98 posts

#tolkien - 97 posts

#petermj - 57 posts

#duckie answers - 54 posts

#fic rec - 42 posts

#spideychelle - 41 posts

#yugioh - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#the mom berating him for behaving disgracefully yet she was about to throw stepdaughter's business out there amongst the turkey dressing

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

bitter truth

“You promised!” the words explode out of Ned without him realizing. He trembles with something beyond anger, something deeper than just grief and rage, that is full of nightmares and dreams of a faceless boy. Of hideous laughter and broken promises. “You promised that everything would be okay! And you would find us! Find me!” 

Peter refuses to look him in the eye but he frowns in a sudden familiar way. “I couldn’t risk you getting hurt. Either of you.” 

“But that’s our choice!” Ned fires back. “Did you even stop to consider what we might want?”

“You’re safer not knowing me! I don’t want to drag you into this shit again!” Peter vehemently insists, over and over, how much better Ned is without him. Yet, Peter still won’t look at him. 

“You were my best friend, Peter! I loved you and you made me forget!” Ned takes a ragged breath and it’s only now he realizes he’s crying. It’s only now Peter finally has the decency to look at him. 

They stand in silence, facing one another across the room of Peter’s sparsely decorated apartment. The distance between them is no more than the length of a couch and yet Ned feels as though Peter is miles away. 

A question burns in his mind, one that has been with him since the day he woke up in California remembering everything. The one that has tumbled around his head since he told MJ, since he got on that plane to New York, since he tracked down Peter Parker. Since he knew everything. 

“Were you ever going to find me?” 

Ned looks Peter in the eye and his heart breaks as Peter turns away.

“No.”

23 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

#4

Just to Be

Prompt: ‘I’m not ready to lose you yet’ from this list

Something a little artsy with immortal!Peter. 

========== “I’m not ready to lose you yet.” 

A quiet admission in the dark. Peter himself doesn’t realize he’s said it aloud until he feels her turn in his arms. By then it is too late to take them back. 

“What do you mean?” Michelle asks. She studies him, both puzzled and afraid. Or so he sees it. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“One day you will.” Peter says knowingly. He can see it already, the way time works on her. It moves through her, with her. For now, the river of time has brought them together, her to his lonely little rock stuck in a stream. One day, before he is ready, he knows those same waters will take her from him and he will be alone again. 

She touches his face. He looks at hers. 

“I’m not worried about the future.” she says. “We’re here together, now.” 

Now. 

Present. 

In his long life, Peter has forgotten what it is like to live in the now. In the present. To be alive and live and see the world for what it is, not for what it was or will be. To see Michelle as she is, not for what she will become. She is here now. He is here now. They are here now.

Peter kisses her and allows himself just to be.

31 notes - Posted January 18, 2022

#3

taste of copper

Haiku drabble (50-70-50) 

[read on ao3]

Michelle remembers her first kiss. She remembers a broken bridge. Smoke and fire. Rubble and twisted metal. Something heavy in her hand; a weapon, old and worn and sharp. Her heart pounds. Sirens go off in the distance and she knows it isn’t safe but she has to find… find…

Michelle remembers the taste of blood. Faint metallic taste that lingers on her lips. It isn’t hers. It belongs to someone else, to them. The one who she worries for, the one she traversed through wreckage and rubble to find. An ancient weapon in one hand; a delicate piece of glass in the other. It isn’t perfect but neither is this moment. First kisses shouldn’t taste like blood. Hers does.

Michelle remembers her last kiss. She remembers the dawn. The crackling sky. Rubble and twisted metal. Someone touches her face and she feels her heart breaking. Her heart pounds, hands tremble and eyes burn. She holds someone tight, afraid. A fierce kiss, full of unsaid things that taste of blood.

33 notes - Posted March 13, 2022

#2

craving for you love 

Rated M

[Read on AO3]

Peter has a plan in mind, a rarely perfect plan which all goes flying out the window the second he steps into the bedroom. 

Rather than changing, Michelle is laying on the foot of the bed, her heels planted on the ground.  

Her dress is pulled up just enough that Peter can see the hint of lace from her stockings. He loves that dress on her. He loves any dress on her, but this one hits him differently. The deep red one with a split that goes up to just above her knee and dips low in the back. He isn’t sure what it’s made of but he knows it makes her shine in the flashing camera lights and he knows it’s the same color as her lipstick.

Pretty red lips that he just wants to kiss and ruin.

41 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Little Hands

Haiku Challenge, 50-70-50

Prompt: tiny hands in big hands [hand holding prompts]

[Read on AO3]

It is late when Peter slips in through the window. Quietly closes it behind. Slips off the suit in the bathroom where he quickly showers. Hair still dripping, he pulls on an old shirt and joggers, more than ready to climb into bed next to MJ. He checks May instead. 

He finds her wide awake. Quiet, but awake. Peter smiles, “Waiting up for me?” he asks as he takes May from her crib. She coos, little hands grab his shirt and grip it tight. “You should be sleeping, you gremlin.” Peter holds back a groan as he sits in the nursery rocking chair. It creaks as he rocks, falling into a familiar and lulling pattern. May gurgles in his arms. 

Peter thinks he could stare at her face and never tire of it. His daughter, everything good from both him and MJ. She waves her fist around, grunting with excitement and he watches with wonder at the sight of her little hands in his. He never wants to let go.

45 notes - Posted January 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Monday 5th December 2022, 4.52am

Well here comes an insomnia post from me haha. I've been lying here in bed for about an hour now, after falling asleep really early after dinner, so here we are lol. And I have to start work at 7am, I'm going to just try and power through the day, lots of coffee and lots of keeping myself busy with work. I have a couple meetings today anyway, I just hope one of them isn't one of those ones that could have been an email. I know the other one won't be, I just hate pointless meetings, especially on a Monday haha.

I'm so glad you enjoyed your time in Terry- I mean Tassy. Even if you did bring home COVID, I really hope you're still doing okay with that and it's still just a mild cold. I had COVID for the first time in July, during our heatwave too and it was awful having a fever during that. I was quite unwell and had to take a week off work. The first pub you mentioned sounds so nice (and looks nice if that was in one of the photos you posted) and I immediately had an image of us cosying up there together, talking and laughing and just looking at each other. Being with you in the bush around a fire also sounds amazing too, I'd love that. The dog you met looks absolutely ADORABLE too and I hope you told him he's a very good boy. I bet his awoos were the cutest ever. I sometimes look after my sister's dog, she's an all black long haired German Shepherd. She's very cute, but sometimes I have to be careful when I leave my bedroom at night, because she blends in with my rug in my hallway haha. Gotta be sure you don't trip over her.

It definitely sounds like you had lots of fun, even if you did feel alone. The trolley picture made me laugh, because that's exactly something I would probably do too. I can't believe your bandmate brought a girl back though lol you'll be glad that nothing happened with them, even if their snoring did keep you awake haha. All the scenery and everything you said about Tasmania and Hobart itself sounds amazing. I'd have loved all of that too. I could imagine us together at the street market you mentioned, just walking around together, picking up the most silly/crappy things and joking about buying them for each other haha. I wish I could have been in the crowd too. I don't know if it'd been better me standing at the front, where I'd be right in front of you.. or a little towards the back so that you'd be looking out into the crowd more haha. But either way, I'd love that. I'd love to see you play. I also can't believe you play bass now too. I miss my bass, I'm thinking of getting a new one, once I get a new piano (my old one is dead, it was oldddd)

All the photos you posted were fantastic. I was right, you're still just as handsome as the first time I ever saw you. I'm going to be brave and put some photos on this post too, so you can see me now and enjoy some things I've done this year too. Including going to the US for a month. I had an amazing time and visited some friends. That was back in March/April and doesn't feel like it was that long ago. I still can't believe it's December and it's almost Christmas. I've been rushing around trying to make sure I have Christmas presents for my family and my best friends haha. I actually spent Friday evening with one of my best friends and her boyfriend, I stayed at their place and we played games, made dinner, laughed, played with the cats, listened to music and had a few drinks (my favourite gin is Hendricks too btw, but I still love Jack Daniels haha). It was a nice chill night.

I am totally comfortable with these posts. I really like reading what you've been up to, what's on your mind, what you're thinking, how you're feeling. I read them all the time. I often think about what you do during the day too. Probably more than I'd be willing to admit. Sometimes I sit and wonder what you're doing at that exact moment, I'll sometimes check to see what time it is and if you'd be awake or sleeping. I get so giddy when I see there's a new post from you and I sit smiling like a total fool when I read them. Yesterday, I basically had a relaxing day, getting ready for the week ahead. I work Monday - Friday at the moment, so I always have weekends off which is great. I also get to work from home, which I LOVE! I've been in this job for the past year and I'm good at it. I'm always told how well I do and how much I help others out that I work with. I've stopped being afraid to ask questions and ask for help if I need it. I know now that it doesn't mean I'm dumb or anything, it just means I need some assistance and that's okay. We all need some help from time to time.

I'm glad you think my songwriting is good enough. I criticize myself harshly in an artistic sense, so it's good to get perspective from other people. I'm proud of you for keeping on with the path you're on and bettering yourself and your life. Whatever will make you happy, I'm all for it. And I'll always be here, should you need a little encouragment or support. No matter how long it's been. I'm definitely trying to be a much stronger version of me too. I've had my own struggles and things happen over the past few years, but they're all lessons and I've got through it all. If I can get through the things that I have from my past, I can get through anything. I've learnt so much too and I've had so much shit thrown my way, and I can say this.. no matter whats happened, what hand you've been dealt.. you are deserving of love. I am too. We both are. I'm glad you don't drown in guilt anymore. I know that was a big thing for you and I'm so proud of you for working through that. You're doing so well and I think you're amazing. I dont think I could ever think of you as anything less than amazing.

I felt a weird but good feeling and smiled when you wrote the part about how it's not clothes or hair or anything else that makes me me. Even just thinking about it again makes me smile and scrunch my face up and giggle. I've never really thought of any parts of me as "beautiful", but I like hearing you say it. I do know how you feel about tattoos, haha. I bet your tattoos are lovely too. I'm glad to know that hasn't changed because I have some quite big ones now too. I plan on loads more. But right now I'm focusing on planning more things to do and going more places next year. That's what I really want to do. I want to explore and meet new people and have new experiences. I currently have a trip to London planned for mid-August next year, partly because I'm going to a concert there, but also because I want to visit my Uncle and I want to see different parts of London. Mainly Soho and the West end. Even if I'll be staying in North East London haha, the public transport systems in London is huge, so I'll be fine and should be able to get to everywhere I want to. I plan on staying for 5/6 days so I can see and do as much as I can.

I remember us talking about when you went to see Pale Waves. I actually still have the picture you sent me of you with them. I didn't get to meet them, but they were really good. I really enjoyed the gig. I've been watching all the Space-X launches over the past few years, ever since they did the first Dragon mission to the ISS. So of course, I know all about the Artemis missions hehe. Its a really exciting prospect, that we will one day visit another planet. And someday go back to the Moon. I'm sat at the spare bedroom/my office window looking up at the moon right now actually as I type this. She's very bright in the sky tonight. Almost ethereal, but of course.. beautiful.

I'm currently sat here listening to an album called Krystal by an artist I really like, Matt Maltese. I think you might like it too. I hope that this post wasn't too long and waffley haha. Although I know you'd probably like reading it anyway, even if it is. Oh and I really enjoyed your demos on SoundCloud. I especially loved 2am and Untitled. Those were my favourites. I've listened to them quite a few times now. I hope that's okay and you don't find that weird. I love hearing things that you make.

Here's some pictures for you.. how could I not remember everything about you? You're you.

[annieintheaair]

I think you're seeing someone else; I think you're seeing who I used to be.

I think the worst thing about moving forward sometimes is letting go of your expectations. All of the “it was supposed to be” and “I was looking forward to.” It’s hard sometimes to accept a new reality.

After a while, the loneliness goes away. You reconnect with friends, own all of your time, and realize the joy of being single again. Sure, your weekends look a little different, but you have so much more time back in your life. It’s almost like when you’re in a meeting that ends early— they tell you they’re “giving you time back”. At first, maybe you’re not sure what to do with that time, but then you realize it’s actually a gift.

I was given 88 flight hours for the month of May. Initially, I was mad. I did not want to go beyond my comfortable 65-75 hours. Then, yesterday morning, I sat down in front of my computer and decided to pick up more hours— up to 105. Will I be exhausted? Absolutely. But will I be making a lot more money? Yes!

So what does it mean to work 105 hours for the month? Well, I'm still off for Cinco de Mayo and Memorial Day weekend. I realized that working more hours doesn't have to suck-- when I fly with friends, it's actually not like going to work at all. I worked with my friend Kia the other night and we had such a great time catching up that we decided to pick up more trips to work together in May. Work isn't that bad when you're with friends.

Spending more time at work, especially since I fly at night, means no time for dating. I haven't really been interested in dating right now and I find swiping to be a complete waste of my time. Instead, I want to enjoy the things I want to do, spend time with friends, work, and focus on all of the bigger things I'm currently dealing with in my life. Finding a new relationship isn't even on my priority list right now.

The thing is, when a relationship ends, obviously, you feel sad, but over time, you find joy in being single again. Sometimes, it's just nice to have those few days off from work open without any plans. If I decide at the moment that I want to do something, then I'll do it, but I'm not letting anyone down by bailing on weekend plans or deciding I'd rather stay home and have a movie marathon.

I remember two years ago when I had the situationship with Joe. I think I knew it would never actually be something but I let it play out anyway. It was the end of April 2022 and I remember Dan telling me on the phone, many times, that I deserved better than Joe. I knew he was right but I was still sad when it ended. It wasn't even like Joe had taken up much of my time and back then I was still flying some multi-day trips for work.

One night, after Ras and Gabrielle left my house, I jumped in the shower and all of these feelings just hit me. Even though Joe and I had never really been anything, the rejection, even though it was my choice to end it, stung. I wondered if anyone would ever love me and I so badly wanted to know the truth about me and Dan. I sent him a long text asking and then he called me.

Dan and I talked on the phone for a long time that night. It was the closure that I so desperately needed after all of those years. It was almost 12 years after our final breakup but I needed to know why he cheated on me and why we could never work it out. It was that night when I realized that someone cheating on me or not loving me wasn't actually about me. Dan reminded me that he was stupid and made bad choices and that he regretted it every day. I was still someone worth loving and I deserved happiness, even though it never felt like it at the time.

In the beginning, Dan and I would walk to Waterplace Park at night and sit by the river and talk. Everything then was so easy and innocent. The start of college held so much promise for both of us. It made me wonder, many times, how we went from sitting by the river watching the fish to awful fights where we said so many things we never should have said and really didn't actually mean. There was so much hurt over the years-- Dan from making bad choices and usually me from saying horrible things when I was hurt and upset, as a result of his choices.

When Dan called me two years ago, I didn't know that day that in less than four months, he would be gone forever. No one knows the future and I definitely didn't know that day that he would die in a few months. After he passed away, once I cried all the tears I could possibly cry, I realized how grateful I was that I received that closure just a few months prior. I guess I needed to know that someone leaving was never a reflection of me but a choice they made, just like the choice we make in relationships where we choose to love the other person every day. Love is a choice, just like cheating is a choice.

Young college me was always devastated by the hurt that Dan put me through, over and over again. As we grew up and met and dated other people, he realized that he would never find another me. The other day, while working with my friend Kia, she reminded me of the same -- that Todd would never find another me. She said, "He's not going to find anyone better than you."

When I thought about what Kia said and the same sentiment that I've gotten from my other friends, I wondered if Todd ever really knew me at all. The person that my friends know and the person that Dan never stopped loving, is lovable and very deserving of love. She's a person with a good heart, who forgives, who works hard, and who never gives up on people, no matter how hard it is sometimes. It almost made me sad to think that Todd never got to know the real me, and learn to and choose to love me the way that other people in my life do. The person who is really missing out, as my friends and Dan would say, is Todd.

While I'm not out there dating right now and looking to meet someone new, I hope to someday meet someone organically, in the real world, outside of the apps. I can't say that I'll ever rejoin the apps but I also can't promise I won't rejoin someday. For now, as my therapist, Jose, said this morning, "You're practicing self-care, which is what you need the most right now."

xoxo

Annie

[6lost6but6trying]

April 7 1:53am

Im here sitting in front of my tv after a gaming session with my best friend…

Wishing u were playing with us

I miss ur voice

I miss u giving us heads up and knowing where they are

I don’t know how you know but you do in detail which amazes me

If sitting here in front of my tv about to cry myself to sleep

Because I feel like I got nothing figured out

My relationship I have is feeling like it’s turning bad

But besides that I just feel useless

Like I’m not anywhere I wanna be yet

No goal

Nothing

Just here

Alive

When I don’t wanna be

I wanna cry myself to sleep

But I don’t wanna cry myself to sleep…

I don’t know

Im just really tired

Im overthinking so many stuff and as I hear my thought telling me I’m useless and i will never reach whatever goal I may have or a better future

I found myself just remembering the time I laid with u with my head on ur shoulder so close to your chest telling u that I’m nowhere financially stable and feel useless and I shut me up as u play with my hand that I had up and gently point to the middle of my palm tapping it gently telling me “ you will catch up to her financially, u will have money, you’re not useless, you’re somebody, you will make it, I believe in you”

Your words still run through my dull brain and it’s making me miss u more

I know if this ends,

You May or may not take me back in as a friend and I’ll respect either choice…

I just know I probably won’t be over you even tho I haven’t seen u in a while…

Haven’t heard that voice in a while…

I found myself the other day hearing ur voice saying “ look you little shit” and I smiled…

I was at work and he asked me why I was smiling and I just told him I remembered something funny that’s all

It’s not something funny

It’s something I like u calling me

I find it cute I don’t know why…

Im still so sorry all this happened this way

I just feel like I’m now being pushed against a corner of a wall and I want to be killed….

Don’t get mad at me

I thought about it again but then remembered that I promised you I wouldn’t do it…

I didn’t

But I did hurt my leg physically

It may be bruised in the morning, I have no idea but I got some sort of high which made me take deep breath and wanted to keep doing it til my thigh purple…

I stopped…

But please don’t get mad…

I turned to alcohol

I drank a little bottle I had then I created a ice tea drink and put the last bit of alcohol mix into my drink

I was feeling a buzz as I played my game

I told him I didn’t wanna video and just play

I didn’t want my best friend knowing I wasn’t ok

I did squats and spins in my room to feel a buzz and it somehow worked…

Im not ok.

Just glad there wasn’t anymore alcohol

All I want rn if to have things calm…

I just still catch myself missing you when I shouldn’t be

Im with her, I do love her but what does it say when I do love her and don’t wanna lose her but the more we fight the more im craving YOU …. You’re so close to me that I can walk to you…. C

I can drive 3 min just to see you…

With her it’s 10 mins by car…

That’s more than a 40 min walk….

I asked god so Many years ago when I came out to give me a gf so close to me….

He gave me you two…

At the same time…

I met you both in July 2022

Im so mad at god for doing this…

Im not even religious anymore but a part of me is still kinda religious….

I begged him for a person close to me and gave me you both…

Obviously you’ve always been the first choice….

I just choose her

And you already know why…

But then I question if I made the right choice or if I should’ve stayed friends with u and see where that could’ve gone before I did anything with her and kept her as a friend…

It’s all stupid and I wish I had a manual but that’s impossible….

When I find myself depressed I still think of me laying with u and I feel safe…

I know if I got to know u way more…

I could’ve loved you

Yes I was “ in love” but like as in “crushing hard on you” where my tummy gave me butterflies everything im around u….

I just wanna be in your arms again….

I even miss your natural scent I don’t know what it is but it’s YOU

You see right through me when I’m hugging you and I miss you not letting go til I do…

This sucks… I’m sorry

I hope I do see you again…. And everything isn’t so hectic …

[littlemissjrgd]

03/02/2023: Marvelous March

I am slowly deteriorating, please send help!

It all started in January 2020, I started having headaches that are hard to bear and sometimes lasts for days. I initially thought it was my eye, so I had my eyes checked. I also thought that my prolong computer use was the issue but it’s weird because I’ve never experienced this much pain in the past and I have worked behind the computer since 2012.I felt scared because I thought I have a brain tumor, given my family history so I asked my primary care physician to order an MRI for me. I had an MRI, but she did not find anything, as it turns out I suffer from chronic migraines. I was given some pain pills and was sent out the door. It magically disappeared when I started working from home which was good.

Then, when I turned 30, I was diagnosed with having hormonal imbalance. I found out about it when I bleed for 3 months. Not sure, how long I’ve had it because if I didn’t bleed for 3 months I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor and have it checked. Looking back, I just realized that maybe all the painful zits and breakouts that I had since I got my period was related to this, maybe the dysmenorrhea as well.

In August 2021, I started going to therapy due to my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

In November 2021, I found out that I was suffering from severe dry eyes after visiting an optometrist due to severe eye pain. That same optometrist decided to quit on me because he said that my case was too difficult for him to handle. But it was okay because he sent me a referral to go see an ophthalmologist for better assessment.

In April 2022, I found out that I have Plantar Calcaneal Spur (Heal Spur) and Plantar Fasciitis on both my feet. I found out about this after accompanying my aunt for one day and we spent the whole day walking around. Days and weeks have passed, and I was still having feet pain, so I went to the Dr. for a consultation, and I got an X-Ray, I was expecting the Dr. to say oh you just need to get some rest and maybe a foot massage, but boy I was wrong. I came out feeling so shaken because I was prescribed a pain pill that I haven’t heard of, I was told to wear shoes with arch support, and I was told that if I am ready, I can get a surgery.

In September 2022, I found out that I was pre-diabetic. It all started when I started seeing an unusual number of skin tags on my neck and when I went to the dermatologist I was told that it could be Acanthosis Nigricans(AN), it is a condition that is linked to diabetes and before she does anything, she wanted me to get a lab test to be sure and that is what I did. 24 hours later my primary physician contacted me and told me that I was pre-diabetic. Prior to the lab test, I had an episode at home where in I woke up feeling really woozy, I got up to pee, but I was too woozy so I fell, as it turns out my sugar went really low. Currently, I am not taking any medications to manage my diabetes, I was just trying to be mindful about what I eat, and I exercise. I don’t drink soda and eat chocolate as much as I did before my diagnosis.

Last month, February 2023 I experienced some gum soreness, initially I thought that it was just because of a Taco chip irritation as it turns out my 6-year molar (tooth #3) had to be extracted. It came as a shock because I have always practiced good oral hygiene and I visited the dentist regularly.

I am not really sure why I wrote an entry about all of my diagnosis in the last three years. I have no reason other than to keep track of it. I also just want to pour my heart out and let everything out of my chest because I am only in my early 30s, but I feel like I am slowly falling apart. I feel so young to have all these issues in my medical history. I haven’t even mentioned the chronic back pains. I wonder how many 30-year-olds are going through the same thing.

Anyhow, if you are going through the same things that I am, I wish you well and I want to let you know that you are not alone.

If you are reading this, I hope that you always choose to be kind, in a world where you can be anything I hope you always choose to be kind because you never know what people are going through. Some people may look okay and well on the outside but deep inside the pain that they are feeling is insurmountable.

I am not going to lie there are days where I do not feel 100%, there are days where I just try to get by, to survive because I have no other choice.