#everything is hard to do and i can't tell if it's because of the deficiency or if it's something else wrong with me

[sharkboywrites]

Can you do twst vice wardens (pls replace lilia with silver and ortho with ace) with a male reader that has a habit of not telling people about his various health problems. He has a whole iron deficiency and doesn’t tell anyone until he passes out in the middle of the hallway.

In the middle of a conversation he'll just drop an "Oh, my headaches going down" "you have a headache?" And such.

Thankyou!

"You what?!"

A/N: Hiii so sorry it keeps taking me forever to get to requests. I've been gone for a good amount of the summer on trips and stuff. I'm also dealing with some personal things. I made post about it, but for whatever reason it hasn't been seen. Anyways this request is so me, I'm either bothering people about my problems or literally never telling them to the point where it's concerning. I don't really talk about it but I do have some physical heath problems, so this feels nice for me to write.

Male reader, he/him pronouns used, author put his own health issues in just because, headaches, low iron, knee problems, heart problems.

Trey Clover

Trey is a very attentive older brother type, it would be very hard to hide something being wrong from him

But somehow you did

After all, with low iron, you never really know somethings wrong until you stand up

The two of you were relaxing after a lot of baking

Knowing there was an unbirthday party coming up, you decided to help him out

Unfortunately, you did over exert yourself quite a bit

You definitely felt off, but you decided it was fine and that it would probably go away

while the two of you were sitting down and talking, drinking some water, the timer went off

You went to get up and take the treats out of the oven when

uh oh

for a bit your head felt fuzzy, and you went down

To say Trey freaked out was an understatement

He really thought that you died for a minute

after getting you up and sitting you back down in your chair, he got the treats out of the oven himself

Once everything was settled and he made sure you were okay, you got a very lengthy lecture about taking care of yourself and telling people when you don't feel well

After this he gets very protective over you, constantly checking that you're okay and if you need anything

great job, you've activated the "big brother" part of Trey

Ruggie Bucchi

Ruggie could probably sense that something was wrong with you

Was he going to address it if you didn't say anything? no.

Listen, it's not that he doesn't care about you, it's just that he doesn't want to make extra work for himself

But don't worry, he ends up regretting that decision

When you're laying on your desk in pain

He stops and doesn't know what to do for a hot minute

And then he's off

He's running around the school trying to get what might help you

Water, food, pain meds

You want it? He's on his way to get it

He feels really bad about it later, please assure him

he'll get mad at you if you admit that it's common for you to never actually teel people you're in pain

He's also paranoid from now on

He'll constantly carry ibuprofen on him just in case and is very vigilant of your body language

he's worried about you

Don't scare him like that again please he can't take it

Jade Leech

It was really just a normal day

going to classes, trying to stay awake during lessons, and getting pestered by at least one of the eel twins

While having a nice talk with jade, something started to feel off

your chest felt weird

It didn't hurt per say, but it felt like it was racing

Having heart issues, you immediately knew what was wrong

Jade watched with a curious look as you took your water bottle and took a drink

He questioned if you were alright, and you told him what was wrong

With a calm look on his face, he immediately takes action

Your brought back to the mostro lounge and told to wait patiently as Jade disappeared for a few minutes

He later came back with a small meal for you and more water

He assured you that it had plenty of salt in it to help your heart's hard work and told you to take it easy

Now that he's aware of your situation, he's extra attentive

He may know somethings wrong before you do at this rate

And don't worry, he never doubts you or thinks you're dramatic if you ever tell him somethin may be wrong

Also has liquid i.v ready if you ever need it

He's now the number one person to go to when you're having issues

Jamil Viper

Parties can be overstimulating

So it's unfortunate that Kalim throws one almost every day

After an hour or two, Jamil thankfully found a less crazy sport for the two of you to sit

The two of you talked for a bit, enjoying the upbeat atmosphere

Halfway through talking, your head started to feel fuzzy, but you decided to brush it off and that it would probably go away eventually

Then Kalim called the two of you over

You couldn't figure out what he wanted you for, but the two of you got up anyway

When you stood up, the fuzziness in your head hit ten times harder, and you went down

Thankfully Jamil, with his quick reflexes, was able to catch you just in time

after assuring you were okay, albeit a bit panicked, you admitted you knew something was wrong, but decided to not say anything

And that's the story of how you got scolded by Jamil about taking care of yourself and telling people when something was wrong

He's much more on edge when the two of you spend time together from now on

He's constantly pestering you about how you feel, while trying (failing) to hide his genuine concern

Don't tease him about it, please

Rook Hunt

Lets be honest now, did you really think you could hide something from Rook?

Getting it away from trey? believable. Rook? Absolutely not

He is vigilant, nothing gets past him

Nothing

Even when you think he's not around, he is watching and he will know something is wrong

And the second he realizes your head hurts, he is all over you

Like showering you in concern and affection 24/7

if you were planning on keeping it from him, too bad

He's not giving you the chance

Really, he's treating you like royalty

You're in bed all day, dim lights, water, and any snacks you want

And he's not taking no for an answer

he's an extravagant man, what else were you expecting?

And from now on, he'll constantly be checking up on you

In the most dramatic way possible

He'll gently grab your shoulders and ask if you're okay

And if you aren't he'll grab your hands and with the most dramatic display, be so distressed for you and also praise you for being "so brave"

Such a dramatic man, really, but a dramatic man who's worried for you

Ace Trappola

Joining basketball with the boys sounds like so much fun, right?

Right???

Not really

Especially not when you've got a whole lotta knee pain

But it's alright, just power through it, as most people say

However most people don't realize that that's a bad idea

And unfortunately, you are most people

Forgetting your knee braces sure is unfortunate, although you thought it would be fine

It was not

Especially not when Ace decided to pull an "ankle breaker" on you

And it did just that

But with your knee caps

Listen, Ace may be a total jerk, but hearing a loud pop and then seeing you collapse...

He couldn't help but feel at least a little bad

But limping over to the bench you assured him that you were okay

Once sitting down, you took a deep breath and

another pop

And right back into place

And now you terrify him

This is something you can hold over his head at the slightest moment he starts to be a brat

Him doing the regular teasing? "Remember when you popped my kneecap out of place?"

Don't ever let him live this down

Silver

Unlike other characters on this list, it is so easy to keep something from Silver

It's not that he doesn't care, he's just very tired

But once he fins out that you've had a massive migraine this whole time, he feels so bad

he offers to get you anything you need

And once you're all settled, he looks so guilty

He may start to wallow if you don't stop him

Please stop him

Please assure him that it's not his fault

He really feels bad for not noticing earlier

Afterwards, he makes it clear that you need to tell him when you don't feel good

He also tries to be a lot more attentive from now on

He just feels so bad

This is where you both decided to work on communication skills

From now on, please tell him when you feel bad

he's worried for you :(

I'm finally back yaaay, but I took forever on this. i procrastinate so bad I'm sorry. I threw in my own physical problems too, hope y'all don't mind. ty for reading and gave a nice day :)

[awkward-walking-potato]

Wolverine Masterlist

My requests are open - I am no longer accepting requests for headcannons

Main Masterlist

Multiple part Series

Bruised not Broken - Non mutant Cage fighter logan and reader who is a nurse and helps patch him up after his fight - Ongoing

Part 1 Part 2

Apple of his Eye - Biker!logan x Baker! reader. The tough Biker falls for the kind baker who always has a slice of apple pie for him - Ongoing

Part 1 Part 2

The Buddy and Scratch series

- Claws and whiskers - You come home with a cat Claws whiskers and paws - Sequel to claws and whiskers Logan's Soft Spot - Logan didn't notice you coming home cause he was busy playing with the dog

Logan X mother nature

- The hidden Sanctuary - Logan meets a dragon

Wild Interuptions - you try and escape wade for some private time with logan

Oneshots

Just keep trying - the reader is upset with themselves because everything they do or say, even in good fate, turns out wrong or the situation gets worse. Logan knows that they meant well so he tries his best to comfort them.

A Caring Gesture - reader who suffers from iron deficiency like one day reader just faint and it took some time for logan to notice makes him very panicked so since then he started putting more attention to you like reminding you to eat healthy stuffs

A wet mess - After a long trip out you decide to wash Logans bike for him

Laughter at 1 AM - Watching Jenna marble tik toks with Logan

Unspoken Understanding - Logan helping reader with anxiety

Domestic Bliss: A Wade Wilson Retrospective - Logan and readers relationship from wades perspective

Beneath the bruises - Meeting cage fighter logan for the first time

A Heart of Adamantium - Valentines day spent with logan

Purple Claws and Velvet Dreams - Logan catches you singing and dancing to Prince’s "Purple Rain" in your pajamas.

NSFW alphabet

SFW alphabet

The plan - Fake boyfriend trope

When the Sunshine Fades - Grumpy!logan x Sunshine!reader something has been bothering reader or something happened, and because of it, she’s just not acting like herself and Logan starts picking up on it

Dancing in the Kitchen - Dancing in the kitchen to 1950's music with logan

Jeff the land shark - The baby shark taking up all the reader’s attention and just being he’s cutie self while making Logan feel extremely jealous.

Something to keep you safe - When Logan has to leave he leaves you with a certain something to keep you company

A clumsy heart - Logan doesn’t take kindly to someone causing his girl Dumb

Surprises in the bedroom - Logan finds out you collect teddies

Between two worlds - Logan with a significant other that’s basically an oujia board? Like they can talk to dead people, maybe possess people or haunt their dreams

Randonauting with the X-Force - Reader, Logan, Wade, and Mary puppins went randonauting together

Casual Affections - It's hard being in love with a man when his heart is with another

Tipsy Affection - When you have a few too many drinks at the halloween party you can't help but want some attention

Costume Confusion - With not long to go till the halloween party you have to come up with a clear idea for a costume

Halloween Heroes - You get to see a different side to Logan once the kids come out trick or treating

Whispers between worlds - Logan Howlett x gn!reader that has the mutation to summon, speak and communicate with ghosts and the undead

Its in the stars - stargazing with Logan Howlett and GN!Reader

Close enough - Logan with a reader who loves physical touch but is kinda scared to initiate it

Five Times You Were Possessive of Logan, and the One Time He Was Possessive of You

Taking care of Logan

Logan helping you recover after ankle surgery

Logan helps werewolf reader with their first transition

My Kitty Cat - Logan hates his nickname, Well that is what he tells people

Missing Cat - Logan realises who you are after losing his memories

In the Shadows - Logan helps reader who has migraines

[marumaruz-haikyuu-agere]

Hq disability Headcanons

A somewhat detailed list of my haikyuu medical headcanons

Nishinoya Yuu - Type 1 diabetes and sensory neuropathy

Was diagnosed at 5

Inherited from parents

Prefers an insulin pump to insulin injections

Diabetes causes his sensory neuropathy

Nerve damage in his arms causing bruises because he can't tell when to stop practicing

Kenma Kozume - Hearing loss in both ears, noise damage

Plays games and music with the volume too high causing damage from all the years he's been doing it

Doesn't like to admit that he has hearing problems

Uses CIC (Completely In the Canal) hearing aids because they're small and unnoticeable

Also uses his hair to cover them because even when he knows they're hard to see he's still pretty self-conscious about them

Tendou Satori - Vitamin B deficiency, Motor Neuropathy, Audhd

Tendou has a vitamin B12 deficiency which results in him developing peripheral neuropathy, more specifically motor neuropathy

It causes him muscle spasms/twitching and gives him a barely noticeable foot drop

I think he has Audhd and struggles with paying attention and wanting to move around a lot

He doesn't have a specific hyperfixation exactly but is full of lots of little facts about lots of things

Hinata Shoyo - Audhd, Dyspraxia

I don't think i really need to explain Hinata's Audhd but I will anyways

It's one of the reasons he has so much energy while he's practicing, because he already struggles with staying still but also because it's one of his special interests

It helps him more if things are explained at the speed his brainis going instead of going slowly

I think he has Dyspraxia too because it explains a lot of his struggles in volleyball

It also ties into why the quick attack pair works so well because Hinata has to focus less on getting everything right himself and can put his attention into his motor skills

Oikawa Tooru - Osteoarthritis

Osteoarthritis is pretty common

It causes joint pain and stiffness in most cases

And it's most common in places like the knees

It's usually from old age but in Oikawa's case it's from trying to play after an injury without letting it fully heal

But he refuses to admit that he has a problem

Kageyama Tobio - Dyslexia

He's incredibly dyslexic

Nobody knows though, everyone just thinks he's really dumb

He has consulted someone about it unfortunately he talked to Hinata who also has mild dyslexia mixed with the fact that his eyes won't stay on one point on his page

They both think that letters and numbers do that for everyone and that they just haven't figured out how to read it properly

Ushijima Wakatoshi - Autism

Definitely autistic

Pretty high functioning though

He's pretty slow on some social cues but the basic ones have been worked out in his brain

He has quite a high tolerance for most stuff but he's not the biggest fan of messing up schedules

Tsukishima Kei - Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Was partially inherited because Akiteru showed signs of it but not enough for a diagnosis

I think he specifically has cEDS (Classical EDS) because it fits him the most

I think he's been pretty used to his joints dislocating sometimes but doesn't realise that everyoen else around him isn't

The first time Yachi saw it she almost fainted

Particularly with cEDS people have easily bruised/breakable skin on their forehead, knees, shins and elbows

He has a few pretty big scars on his knees and shins from when he was a kid

They're also quite wide because with cEDS wounds heal quite slowly and leave wide scars

Bokuto Koutaro - Borderline Personality Disorder

This wasn't originally my idea (He wasn't actually going to be on here but it got pointed out to me yesterday)

BPD comes in four stages, Emotional instability, Disturbed patterns of thinking, Impulsive behaviour and Unstable relationships

With emotional instability it's usually intense negative emotions and severe mood swings which could contribute to his 'emo modes'

During disturbed patterns of thinking he'd get upsetting thoughts (like his emo mode) and hallucinations and distressing thoughts that he can't be talked out of

Impulsive behaviour is one i think he has less negatively but it's commonly negative in most cases

His impulsive behaviours are less harmful to himself and others

Unstable relationships are when he attaches himself to someone and I think that person/people would be Akaashi and Kuroo

Them trying to leave him would not go well, it's why he contacts them all the time because he doesn't like the feeling that they might leave him

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

So to really oversimplify it, Calcium is what your body releases to signal your muscles and tissues to tense up, and Magnesium is what your body uses to tell your muscles and tissues to relax again.

An imbalance of these is BAD.

Too much or too little of either can stop your heart in extreme cases, and suddenly changing your serum/blood levels is particularly dangerous.

Part of why vitamin D is important but also why it's so fucked up supplements often contain magnitudes more than they claim they do, is because vitamin d so strongly impacts how much calcium -also iron- you will suddenly be absorbing from your food, which can trigger cardiac spasms [heart attacks with no clot].

This is why hard water causes muscle cramps and headaches, because it causes you to overdose on calcium, or alternately magnesium, depending on the hard water, location etc...

This is why "calcium channel blockers" relax heart muscle tension, lower your blood pressure and relax your muscles.

This is also why trying to relax your muscles more without lowering your blood pressure is fucking impossible. A problem for anyone with muscle tension but also low blood pressure. You literally cannot treat one without making the other a lot worse.

This is why magnesium supplements -IF YOU ARE DEFICIENT- can help with sleep, high blood pressure, pain and muscle tension.

This is also why -due to the physical feedback created by being physically unable to relax to your nervous system- magnesium can help with anxiety.

You need both for healthy bones too, btw, not just calcium supplements as you age.

Low calcium or too much magnesium can also cause slowed heart rate, missing heartbeats, dizziness, weakness and fatigue. HOWEVER, too much calcium can also cause skipped heartbeats and dizziness from a lack of proper circulation because your heart isn't relaxing enough between beats. Both are dangerous.

BOTH of these minerals can build up in your body and aren't like 'water soluble' nutrients in the body in the same way that vitamin C is for example where too much will just be flushed away, your body stores these bitches in your bones pretty obsessively, so it's a good idea to get your levels checked if you think supplementing either might help you. [Technically they are water soluble, but it's helpful to think of them as being like 'fat soluble' nutrients that your body will hold onto, just like, for bones and not fat... This is also why meat broth and meat in general is high in calcium, once life isn't holding the minerals in the bones it dissolves out into the meat.]

If you have problems with blood pressure, heart symptoms, tension or fatigue at all, it is a good idea to rule out low or high calcium or magnesium as a cause because it's a really simple thing to treat with supplements or dietary changes that doctors can't deny you once you have the information about your blood levels in your hands. You only need them to agree to check your levels here and there to make sure nothing is getting out of hand.

I'm not just saying "ask your doctor before supplementing" I am saying "Doctors are necessary idiots ask them to actually CHECK your blood levels before advising you on whether or not to supplement".

This is why I find it interesting that people with high blood pressure or chest pain or cardiac spasms are asked about their salt intake or told to avoid salt but aren't ever asked about their calcium intake. I'm kind of low-level pissed at all times that doctors don't check both of these mineral levels on a regular basis for everyone.

Having the right mineral levels, including these but also phosphorus and potassium and iron etc... has such a HUGE body-wide impact on things you would never guess they would impact so so badly, but they are like, the main components of the molecules your body uses to do everything, including like, signal nerves and move muscles. You use these things every time your heart beats and every time you breathe or have a thought, etc... They impact everything. Everything.

Hell a lot of lists of the minerals you need will straight up not even mention phosphorus, but your body uses phosphate groups to make ATP... You know, the molecule that is literally "energy" in your body at a cellular level. It is recommended that healthy adults get between 800 mg and 1,200 mg of phosphorus each day. And it's hard to source because most plant sources aren't bio-available unless you soak your grains [remember that trend of "activating" nuts and grains?... I like cokey-cola because is uses phosphoric acid in place of citric acid which gives it a dryer taste and helps my energy levels in ways not accounted for by the caffeine]. But also too much Phosphorus can pull calcium out of your bones and leave it free floating around your body to build up random places and cause problems!

Potassium is an important electrolyte in your BRAIN and without it you can't think critically and can be prone to all sorts of mental problems like confusion, depression, mental fatigue, running instinctively on autopilot and not engaging critically with ideas because you brain literally can't! Low Potassium makes you more susceptible to mental manipulation and lowers your defenses to negative thought patterns.

I know it can sound stupid and fake, but getting the nutrients you need really does impact your day to day health and specifically your energy levels and mood. Mineral deficiencies can cause depression, fatigue and anxiety and can make existing mental health problems so so much worse.

Kowing your micromineral levels is important! [I am sure trace minerals are important too but your body needs so little it's usually a lot harder to be deficient unless you have a very restricted diet or absorption issues].

Check your levels periodically with your doctor's help and make sure you keep them -not just- "in normal ranges" but have your doctor specify whether they are on the high or low end so you know where your wiggle room is to adjust accordingly depending on your symptoms and how those potentially reflect your personal body's needs. [ie: just because your iron isn't dangerously low doesn't mean supplementing it wouldn't help your energy levels, so long as you aren't getting too much, etc]

Btw this is also why starving yourself fucks you up. And it's why having a lot of food aversions gets tricky to manage. You need to eat. You need specific nutrients and not just calories [you need those too]. And by *need* I don't just mean you might feel slightly crappier in some vague abstract way, I mean you need it for your heart and brain to function correctly and for your muscles to move. [Your brain is you]

[pocket-lin]

Hey!! 💕 for the fandom ask game, 5, 9 and 20? 🤩

hi!!! thank you for sending me this ask!! once again apologizing if the format for this is all janky, assume I have no clue what I'm doing 80-90% of the time!! also I found out so many of these writer's have tumblrs that I wasn't following so that was exciting!!

please note: this is all about the harry potter fandom so if you don't follow me for that, please look at my pinned post!! tldr is fuck jk and fuck terfs, I won't let her steal our joy!!

5. something I see a lot in fics and love

hmmmm... this is hard to narrow down!! so here's a few things I've been enjoying in hp fics I've read lately!

harry potter who is just so fucking earnestly in love. like, he's tripping over his feet so he can hold the door open for draco and looking at him with big heart eyes from across the pub. harry's got draco's order memorized from that takeout place he loves and he's been pining for draco for years in such an embarrassing way and all his friends are rolling their eyes and placing bets on when harry will finally make a fucking move.

adult ron weasley taking after his mother!! he makes delicious food and makes people scarves and shows his love through his actions!!

draco being absolutely rocked when he finds out that harry is queer! especially when harry is confident and completely unashamed of his sexuality. also throat goat harry

magic being tangible in some way!! like, a strong spell giving off the smell of ozone, being able to feel it in someone's hands, everyone's magic having a unique vibe.

harry as the ultimate dad. like, that dude 100% has so many complicated feelings about family and his kid(s) would be everything to him.

9. a ship that isn't your OTP but that you enjoy

I've been dipping into alllll kinds of ships lately. I love to just go look at individual ship tags on a03 and read the stuff with the highest kudos and then some of the most recent fics. I think you gotta do both to understand the ship!! here's some I've been vibing with lately (also realizing how many of these are drarry+someone else hahaha)

harry/draco is my otp BUT harry/ron and harry/ron/hermione are tied for second. that's harry's family!! they were his first friends and the first people to show him love and they literally went through war together. they know each other!! two favorite harry/ron fics of mine are Sun Kissed by @static-abyss and A tangled mess by @orange-peony! two harry/ron/hermione favorites are nineteen years later by wendydarlings and try to fix you by @maesterchill!

snarry - I was sooooo not into this in my early fandom days because so much of the ship stuff I saw was underage teacher/student stuff and that's very much not my thing. the first dip into this ship was actually through @writcraft's harry/draco/severus fic, A Life Worth Remembering, which is almost a complete subversion: Severus gets de-aged to 25 through a potions accident and has to stay with draco and harry, who are middle-aged and in an established relationship. its a gigantic change for everyone involved and the way their all find their way to each other is sooooooo good. from there I read all their snarry stuff. one of their other snarry fics I love is How We Were Warriors. I've actually been back into this ship the past few weeks and have loved On the Deficiencies of Translation Spells and old fires and phantom limbs by @liladiurne, as well as A Turn of the Page and Severus’s Story (or, A Hero’s Tale) by avioleta!

neville/harry and harry/draco/neville - I think about @kittycargo's Love to Give soooooo often. also absolutely love When it Returns by @academicdisasterfic and Touch Your Lips Just So I Know by @saxamophone!!

harry/draco/charlie - everyone go read Licurici by @lou-isfake and tell me you aren't a changed man!!!

ron/draco/harry. I can't even begin to talk about this one because we'd be here for a million years!!

20. your very first fandom!

I started doing irl fandom things for harry potter with my mom and sister when I was a little baby (I learned to read with the harry potter books!!) but my first solo (and almost exclusively online) fandom was the the teen titans!! I was obsessed with the marv wolfman and george perez comics from the 80s and completely lost my shit when they announced the teen titans animated series. that show cancellation still hurts 😭

[taka-chan]

I am lowkey desperate and I consider this a safe space to try this because it is impossible to research and also so hard to describe..

when I tell doctors about this, and they are aware of my history of panic disorder, they assign it to anxiety. but I've had panic attacks since very early childhood and i know what it feels like. this is different.

do you have any experience, or know someone, with episodes that go like this:

sudden onset of sleepiness that feels like the moment you wake up. hazy, confused, blurred vision, can't process shit

dull abdominal pain

anxiety because i can't process shit and everything is too much. but once i am in darkness and silence and breathing steadily, the anxiety part goes away

thirst

muscle weakness, best compared to the feeling of weakness and vibrating in your legs after you've been running for a while. that sensation "are these limbs mine?"

pulsating vision, blurred lines, i usually have very hazy memories of these moments

lasts a very short time, not more than 5-7 minutes. sometimes i crave food afterwards, mostly something sweet. I've had these for two years now, they don't get better or worse, only my experience of it got better. I used to be extremely stressed out by it but not anymore.

please if you have any idea or experience like this, reach out to me🙏 my blood tests are 10/10, no deficiency, so doctors dismiss it as anxiety or hormones because apparently I'm just a hysterical woman (not yet. but soon)

[wisteriainslumber]

Seeing is Believing - Breakdown

Welcome alll!! I am starting a new series for my fics, where I basically throw in some trivia, reveal a few of my reoccurring writing themes/motifs, and walk through my fics!

I'll only be going through a few specific scenes at my leisure or upon request, so this post will be the first and last time we walk through an entire fic together. Now, let's get started wooo

This contains spoilers and all tags applicable to seeing is believing!

*Note: the original fic is still very open to interpretation. this post plucks out hints that may assist in your interpretation of it

Names

The presence of names are so important in my fics. The importance of the names lies less in the meaning but more in their appearance. Names gives someone an identity, and being named hints at someone's reappearance or their significance in the plot!

Ortho regards BeBe and Pabby with importance, treating them like they are alive. Later on, Ortho's attachment to them serves as a pivotal point in the climax of the plot.

And who can forget Moirai, the Fates, Idia's favourite idol group? Their name appearance is a subtle foreshadow, as Atropos is the Fate that cuts the thread of life ^^

(This exchange right at the start with the headmaster hints about why Atropos is Idia's 'bias'. Get it? cause he wants to di-)

Here's another appearance of a name! 'Persie' is the name of a cat Cater & Idia own in another work of mine. Remember when Idia and Mal talked about multiple universes? Readers who recognize this cameo can catch that it is from a different universe! But readers who do not can think of it as 'Persie' being named off 'Persephone', the Lady who now lives between the over and underworlds.

The second paragraph also details another work of mine, untitled and unreleased as of now, but the appearance of both of these paragraphs supports that the magical collision of both Malleus and Idia combined managed to tear its way into new universes (or, Idia got hit hard enough he saw through the multiple universes the two talked about earlier!)

And if the appearance of names marks someone's significance, then the lack of a name marks.. well :)

A brief intermission for an interesting fact :D Remember when Idia brushed off BeBe and Pabby as stiches and fabric?

Later on, Ortho echoes his words. It is due to a bunch of reasons, with a prominent one being that Idia unintentionally programmed his own thought process into Ortho.

Idia's relationship with Malleus

Malleus is constantly belittling or treating Idia like a toddler, which reflects in Idia's internal monologue, a 'conscience' that was fed to him. He'll find a way to reassure himself, saying that things were because of iron deficiency, or eye strain, and barely questions why he can't see anything clearly anymore.

When Idia is revealing the hidden messages in his room, there is a mention that a 'Marionette brings false hope' along with an onimous message to 'Believe in One'

We know these messages were fed to him via Malleus because they refer to Ortho as a doll/puppet (and is basically puppeteering everyone). Mal likes to play God™, and there's a conversation that follows where Malleus tells Idia,

Idia is on constant surveillance from Malleus, since Ortho is not asleep at all, Malleus doesn't know how to portray the Ortho Idia knows! So Malleus always chatting to Idia, prying information from him.

From Mal's POV, they're only doing research in order to provide Idia the sweetest of dreams, and that Idia's rebellion is trivial or a phase.

They even get on a nickname basis later, a sign of 'close friends', in order for Idia to let down his guard. The way that Idia immediately dials up Malleus' number hints to how many times it has been done :)

There is a constant mention of birthdays for a reason! There are themes of rebirth and death, and it may assist you in cracking these codes :)

This is left open in the narrative, but the way everything is so messy and cryptic is actually because Malleus is seriously monitoring everything! These fragments of writing that Idia doesn't remember are his own way of helping himself, because he'd (and Ortho) could possibly be the only ones to understand!

These bold dialogue choices are Mal's overblot voice showing, a break in Idia's reality if you will.

get it bc this is what a parent would do

We know the Ortho that Idia speaks to on the phone is an illusion, but Malleus spies on Idia through Ortho. A few slips ups being that he recalls memories differently and even encourages Idia to put on a lullaby.

+ this is the second mention of comets in the fic!

And at the end, we do eventually find out Ortho was being puppeteered by the blot/Malleus all along. rip to those sweet dreams

Stars, Time, and Death(?)

I use the star dividers to indicate a new dream cycle or timeline. Idia will constantly mix up dates, if it was the start of the semester, someone's birthday, etc. He also mixes up technical language and personal language when referring to Ortho. It goes to show how many times the universe had to be reset because of Idia 'waking up' or questioning his faith in Malleus haha

Comets appear whenever Idia thinks of Ortho. We are led to believe that it is because Idia recalls the Starsending event, even Idia directly comparing Ortho to a shooting star in the narrative. However, in our fourth mention of the comets they are referred to in a negative connotation.

Comets are notoriously bad luck because when people first saw them they thought the world was ending LMAOOO. So, now it is revealed that the comets were a 'bad sign', and who else would be trying to send a bad signs coincidentally when Ortho is mentioned.. hmmm..

A few working titles for this fic was 'samsara' and 'comet sighting', but were scrapped because I liked how the final title was a fun nod to the Orpheus and Eurydice story as well as how Idia never actually does see Ortho (Remember, Malleus is the only one Idia sees clearly). A new branch or loop begins when Idia recognizes Ortho.

The hand in the mirror, the horses that pull the carriage, and of course, the students being 'reborn' from a coffin are some nods to how Yuu was transported to Night Raven College.

Before the Yuu emerges from the coffin, they hear horses (presumably taking them to the school). So basically we end with hearing the horses and the story basically starts again with Idia coming out from the coffin. Time loop!! (or he's dead, who knows).

This story was always meant to be read multiple times! The first for the shock factor, the second to digest, and the other times to analyze or enjoy it however you'd like. These texts support the death/rebirth motif of the game as well as the circumstances of this fic!

And that's the end, thanks for reading! I hope you found this a little bit interesting and if you'd like to see more then let me know! Maybe some time in the future, I'll reveal some of my favourite drafts and deleted scenes.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless parts 1-10, it's it strange how nothing's changed

Nico was finally allowed to leave the infirmary, he'd been stuck there for three days because of Solace since apparently he 'was about to turn into a puddle of darkness'. He was mainly alone for the most part which was fine with him, but the Apollo kid wouldn't leave him alone half the time, Nico knew it was his job and everything but with the amount of people in the infirmary after the war you would think he has something more important to do. Nico was on his way to cabin 13 when he was intercepted by Annabeth and Percy,

"Hey Nico, it's camp fire time. You can't avoid social situations forever, you might actually enjoy it. Come with us." Percy said brightly almost like there wasn't a war three days ago, Nico was about to decline but for whatever reason decided to go. A decision he was sure he would regret in a hours time but still he replied,

"Sure why not."

***

Nico sat down next to Annabeth, gods what is wrong with me? Nico thought to himself as more people arrived; he was very quickly starting to regret his decision but he thought he'd try to stay. Annabeth gave him a smile and leaned over.

"Nico I promise you'll love it," she said quietly hugging him. Nico normally hated being touched but now it was strangely fine; the only reason Nico stayed was for Annabeth and he did end up kind of enjoying it. Everyone was singing loudly and they all seemed happy, forgetting momentarily about all that happened just a few days ago. Then he heard Will Solace sing, his voice sounded angelic which was surprising for someone so stubborn and annoying but hey people surprise you sometimes he thought to himself. The night passed and Nico was actually happy he had come; as he returned to his cabin with Hazel, but as hard as he tried he couldn't get his mind off of Will Solace.

---

"Morning Haze," Nico said the just as he woke up.

"Here we have a true miracle occurrence the Nico di Angelo is awake before 11am is this the real di Angelo or is it really a fake." Hazel said in a teasing voice, it was nice to be back with her.

"Very funny Hazel," Nico said petting her on the head. "Anyway how much longer do I have with you until you go to back to New Rome?"

"I'm leaving today at 10pm, after campfire." She responded hugging Nico. "I'm gonna go get breakfast, cya later bro." Walking out the door, right after that there's a knock on the door. Nico opens it reluctantly and saw Solace outside the door,

"Great you haven't left yet. Can you come back to the infirmary tonight at 5 and do that every Friday for the rest of the month? I was asking Reyna and Annabeth and they said you'd shadow traveled a lot recently which isn't good for you, also-"

"-No underworldly stuff, just because I'm out of the infirmary doesn't mean I'm okay and I have a bunch of deficiencies. Solace I know, you don't have to worry, I'm not too big a fan of passing out myself. Yeah I'll come down at five, I don't see any use coming till the end of the month but you're too stubborn and I do not have the energy to argue with you today." Nico finishes his sentence,

"Okay great, that was surprisingly easy. Bye Nico I'll see you this afternoon." He says smiling as he closes the door behind him, Nico realised that he was smiling and cursed under his breathe in Italian. There is no way he liked that annoying doctor but the only thing he could think about were his bright blue eyes and how they look like the ocean. How his hair was perfectly golden and he was almost glowing in the sunlight, fuck, no, he couldn't do this again. He couldn't like anyone again, that would mean he has to tell people, what if they abandoned him? These are the times he sadly requires advice from Jason Grace.

***

Nico knocked on the door of his cabin hoping he hadn't left yet, he get lucky.

"Hey Grace, can I talk to you?" Nico asked stepping inside, Jason was (aside from Percy and Annabeth) the only one who knew.

"Yeah sure," Jason said calmly, Nico was thankful he still wanted to talk to him considering last time they tried to have this conversation Nico swore he would never talk to him again.

"Well, um.. I feel like I should tell the rest of the seven and Reyna. Percy and Annabeth already know-" Nico starts but is interrupted by Jason pulling him into a hug.

"Oh sorry, I forgot you don't like being touched I'm just proud of you." Jason say's quickly.

"It's fine, I'm trying to get used to human contact. Just I also wanted to tell you, I like this guy...and he's so stubborn and annoying but at the same time I want him to be mine. It's....Will Solace and I just...yeah." Nico finishes, slightly blushing after and rushing the part about Will Solace.

"Nico I'm so proud of you for wanting to tell them, and if any of them react badly I will personally strike them with lightning while simultaneously getting Percy to drown them. But they won't , these people love and care about you Nico they won't hurt you. As for Will Solace, well I know he's friends with Leo but not much else, I don't really see him much but he's a cool guy. Good luck mate." Jason says keeping his voice stable and calm as always,

"Thank you Jason, I guess I should go and talk to the other five now." Nico says hugging Jason, it was kind of shocking but Jason didn't show his surprise.

“Good luck Nico, I promise it’ll go well.”

“Wait, um, could you please come with me? I was going to ask Annabeth but-“

“Yeah of course I’ll come with you.”And with that the ghost king and Superman were off.

***

“Guys umm… can I talk to you?” Nico said walking up to Reyna, Leo, Hazel, Frank and Piper, finding them sitting under a tree.

“Sure di Angelo, what’s up?” Leo said hiding his shock that Nico di Angelo was willingly talking to someone who wasn’t Hazel, much more with Jason standing beside him. He looked like he was barely breathing so Jason placed a hand on his shoulder, whispering something in his ear. Nico (much to Leo’s surprise) smiled and continued, “Well….shit.., Jason I can't.” Nico says shaking.

"Breathe di Angelo."

"I fucking can't, what if they-"

"-I promise they won't react badly."

"That's what I thought about- doesn't matter."

"I know it's hard, especially after living in the 1930s for most of your childhood. Nico, are you sure you want to tell everyone, you're shaking."

"I SAW PEOPLE GET KILLED FOR IT, what....what if they hate me?"

"You don't have to tell them if you don't want to."

"I want to I'm just, scared."

"They care about you di Angelo, I swear on the River of Styx they won't hate you." Nico took a deap breath and continued.

"I'm..I'm gay.." he tenses up, waiting for someone to call him a fag and yell that he was going to burn and potentially try to kill him. After no such reaction he continued,"Also I may or may not have fallen for that insufferable doctor, Solace. Percy and Annabeth already know,” Nico turns around and hugs Jason,

“Good job Nico; damn three hugs in one day. You’re progressing,” Nico was tempted to yell ‘shut up Grace’ but decided against it. He broke the hug with Jason after he was able to keep his breathing under control, suddenly he was suffocated by a hug from Piper and Hazel

“Can’t. Breathe.” Nico muttered quietly and the girls let go,

“Thank you for telling us,” Piper said “I’ll look into Will for you.” She grinned walking off giving the siblings some privacy,

“I proud of you for telling us.” Hazel said hiding a grin,

“You don't hate me? You already knew didn’t you?” Nico asks,

“Well I had some suspicions.” Hazel said smiling,

“How? I didn’t talk to anyone?” Nico says failing to suppress his laughter,

“Younger sister magic. Also Nico why would I hate you?"

"Bianca..."

"Nico, you're my brother, I couldn't hate you. I can't imagine what you've gone through but I'll always be here for you."

"Thank you Hazel, I love you."

"Love you to bro." Hazel smiled and kissed Nico on the cheek, by then Jason was talking to Leo.

“Nico, I’m proud of you. Hope Solace likes you back, maybe impress him with Jules-Albert. If anyone hurts you because of it then I will send the Roman Legions on them. ” Reyna said, messing up his long black hair that went a couple of inches past his shoulders before leaving not giving Nico time to reply. Nico smiled, pathetic, I haven't smiled this much since I was ten year old he thought to himself.

"Di Angelo! I'm warning you about Will, his sense of humor is worse than mine and Percy's combined and do not and I mean do not ask him to sing unless you are prepared to listen to him for three hours. Also um.. good job on telling us," Leo said patting Nico on the back.

"Thanks for the advice Valdez, but I'm not sure it is possible for someone to have a worse sense of humor than you." Nico said bluntly yet still smirking,

"Good luck on Solace, Nico. Proud of you for telling us, if anyone ever gives you shit I'll turn into a poisonous snake and kill them. Everyone will think it was an accident." Frank says so seriously that Nico almost shakes, Nico has to look up to meet his eye. Frank was a foot taller than him,

"Thanks Frank, but let's try to avoid murder for now." Nico smiled, this was going much better than he expected.

"Thanks for coming with me Grace." Nico said,

"No problem Nico, I'll catch you later yeah?

***

It was almost five and Nico had embarrassingly spent the whole day thinking about Will Solace, he was stubborn and got on his nerve but he was cute in a way. Nico headed to the infirmary where Will Solace stood there waiting for him,

"Hey Nico." Wil called out brightly,

"Hello Solace." Nico said coldly, this Apollo kid could not know anything. Will did the routine of lecturing him about how he needs to eat more, his severe vitiam D deficiencies, iron deficiencies and about twenty more that could never remember.

"Okay so, I'm giving you some vitamins. Take this one with breakfast and the blue one before you sleep, also I looked through the tests you did. You have PTSD and depression, I would recommend therapy but then you would send an army of skeletons after me, pass out and potentially die and I really don't want you to die. I think we have reached a level of kind of friendship and would not like you to die right now, take one of these a day first thing in the morning with water before you eat anything." Will said walking around the room picking up three different containers and placing them on a table in front of Nico.

"Solace I'm fine. I'm not taking them." Nico spoke bluntly,

"Yes you are, doctors orders. I will be telling your sister to make sure you take them and after she leaves I'll make sure you do." Will respond firmly,

"Solace you aren't my father, I don't need you checking in on me. I won’t take them, I am fine." Nico said avoiding eye contact as the blonde boy towered over him.

"Nico di Angelo, it is my job to make sure you are healthy. I do not care whether you like it or not, you need to take the medication. I don't care if I have to shove it down your throat, I can't have you dying on me di Angelo so take the fucking pills. Please for the love of Apollo or I guess Hades just take it, I don't care how much you say you're okay, you are not. Do you know how many times I have considered putting you in the infirmary on an IV because you looked like you wouldn't last another day? Have you even eaten today Nico? It may seem shocking to you but I actually care about you, I don't want you to drop dead." Will finishes, his usual gentle voice lost replaced with a shaking yet harsh one."Shit, Nico I'm really sorry I just, I'm really concerned about you. Please just take the pills, doctors orders." Will replies in his usual gentleness.

"Okay I'll take them, I swear I'm trying to eat more it's just I forget I need to. Spending years with ghosts and then trapped in that jar I always forget I'm meant to eat." Nico whispered, he was actually trying to eat, but it just makes him feel sick.

"It's at dinner I'll sit with you and Hazel at the Hades table." said Will.

"I thought you weren't allowed to do that?" Nico wondered.

"For medical purposes, I am." Will added simply, Nico didn't argue after that. Seeing Will speaking in that harsh voice, it made him seem more real. He didn't want to admit it but after that he wanted him even more.

***

They walked to the Hades table,

"Oh hey, Will Solace right? I thought you were an Apollo kids, why are you sitting at Hades?" Hazel asked,

"Medical reasons; you're Hazel I presuming?" Will responded, after that they started talking. They got on quite well. With Will there Nico felt more pressured to eat, even then he barley finished half a plate. "It's getting better, just try to eat a bit more each day. I'll see you at campfire, yeah Nico?" Will said before walking away.

"So that's loverboy?" Hazel grinned as Nico tried to hide his blushing,

"Shut up Hazel, there's no chance he likes me." Nico responded softly, looking down. "Especially after today, I'll see you at campfire Haze." He finished before leaving.

***

"Gods Will, just tell him." Annabeth sighed,

"There's no chance he likes me back. I quite literally yelled at him today because he wasn't taking his medication."

"Will, please if Nico di Angelo was going to get scared by yelling he would not have survived Tartarus."

"I know but what if he's straight?" What if he was homophobic.....he was from the 30s...Nico probably didn't know he was bi since he was never at camp constantly. Will didn't say anything to Annabeth but the thought was in the back of his mind. Annabeth thought quickly, she didn't want to out Nico but also he didn't want Will to think he had no chance, he'd been pining over Nico for so long it was kind of hopeless.

"You won't know until you talk to him Will."

"I swear he hates me, he won't even say we're friends."

"Will, Nico does not hate you. If he did he would have made that very clear."

"But-"

"I promise he doesn't hate you Will, trust me."

"Okay Annabeth I trust you, but I still think there is no chance Nico di Angelo, the living embodiment of darkness will ever fall for the son of Appollo." With that Will walked off to the infirmary, just as Percy and Jason came running in.

"Hey Wise Girl." Percy said while kissing her,

"Hi Seaweed brain." Annabeth replied as she messed up his hair,

"I'm sorry to interrupt but I did want to tell you two something." Jason said, "Nico came out to the rest of the group today as well as Reyna. "

"Wait really? Gods I'm so proud of him." Annabeth said, she felt a strange amount of protectiveness over the son of Hades. He'd gone through so much and she was so proud of him for telling everyone.

"I'm guessing I'm still not his type? Wait there's no one I need to drown right? Because I gladly will drown anyone if required,"

"Thankfully no, but I did also offere to strike anyone with lighting if required." Jason responded as he and Percy high fived. Piper walked towards them after leaving a group of Aphrodite kids, she had a look in her eyes which Annabeth could only assume meant she was planning something.

"Guys so you know how Nico likes Will-"

"Wait what?" Annabeth said shocked.

"Nico said you and Percy already knew?" Piper said extremely confused,

"So his type is blondes? " Percy asked,

"Well um..anyways what's the chance that they get together? I need to hear your predictions, Aphrodite kid tradition except they don't know this time so I thought I would ask you guys."

"80%" Percy and Jason said in unison before Annabeth just smiled and said,

"100" and walking off.

"Anyways bye you two, I should probably go and help plan that date for Clarisse and Chris. I told Clarisse we would have it planned by campfire." She said kissing Jason and walking back to where her siblings were.

"Bro I bet I can beat you in a sword fight right now." Jason said,

"Not a chance, your on. No prep time allowed."

"Let's go then."

Percy and Jason both ran off to the forest likely going to do something extremely stupid and probably electrocute a few people but honestly no one cares as their fights were some of the most exciting things to watch.

***

Will was headed back to the infirmary until he saw a very stuck Leo laying under what looked like 3 tonnes of metal, Will could barely lift it but managed to life it up enough for Leo to get out. Thankfully he was extremely scrawny so that didn't require much lifting,

"Leo I just have one question, why were you laying under sheets of metal? Also infirmary, now. I very much doubt that you don't have a single broken bone after having something tripple your weight laying on top of you." Will asked mildly concerned yet laughing.

"Well I was carrying metal sheets to the forest on Festus so I could make a guard around everyone else when Jason and Percy fight because while it is fun to watch people also do not like getting drenched apparently. Who would have thought? But turns out duct tape was not the answer this time and a few of them fell on me." Leo explained as they walked to the infirmary.

"Duct tape has let you down, I hope you can recover from this sense of betrayal Leo."

"I don't know man I just didn't think I would ever be betrayed so deeply." They both burst out into laughter as they reach the infirmary. They walk into a room

"I'm going to take a guess and say your leg isn't broken considering you walked here but still is there any pain?" Will asked him,

"Just a bit in my arms but like that's it mate, I think I'm fine."

Will feels the bones on Leo's arm's checking for any broken bones.

"Well your definition of fine is quite different to mine considering you've broken your left wrist, and your right arm is fractured in two places." Leo cracked a smile, like he didn't feel any pain.

Will hands him some ambrosia,

"Leo, you know how you managed to make an immortal girl to like you? Specifically one that hated you?"

"If you want romantic advice you have come to the wrong person, I'll try to help but like I have no clue how I got Calypso. I think she liked me more when I stopped talking to her and I don't think that normally has the same effect on most people. "

"You're the only person I know who has managed to make someone go from hating you to loving you so I'm gonna take my chances."

"Sure mate I'll try," Leo laughed as he pulled something out of his pocket and started mindlessly fiddling.

"Well, I need to make Nico di Angelo stop hating me."

"You're gay? Was I meant to know this information pre-hand because you are acting like you have told me this before." Leo asked, looking slightly confused.

"I'm bi, it was probably before you came to camp when I came out, but basically the whole camp knows." Will said, for better or worse he thought but didn't tell Leo that.

"Yeah probably, now I'm giving you a heads up before you continue. If Nico hated you, you would be dead by now so you already have that section cleared." Leo said grinning.

"Well how exactly do I change from kind of not hating to hopelessly in love with me?"

"Mate I'm barley passed the I will kill you on the spot stage, but I guess show him you care. Jason said that's what he did and I think it worked out pretty well for him."

“Thanks mate, if you want you can leave the infirmary but no life risking events or anything that requires your hands for 24 hours.”

“I’ll try but no promises mate," Leo said laughing as he walked out."I'll catch you at campfire, yeah?"

"I'll see you there Valdez." Will nodded as Leo walked out the door likely getting himself severely injured, Will knew that he would probably get himself hurt again, Leo was like a magnetic for injuries.

***

The Ghost King finally stands up and splashes his face with some cold water as he started to clean up, no one needed to know. He would be fine, it'll go away soon enough. Every single time he had eaten since being in that jar he had thrown up, his eating had never been very stable but ever since the jar it had gotten a lot worse. When he was on the Argo II he had mostly gotten away with not eating but now with Will Solace watching over him like a hawk he would actually have to eat, Nico hoped he wouldn't realise but he probably would soon enough. Still there was no reason for him to find out any earlier than that, maybe if he got lucky it would fix itself and no one would know but Nico had learnt to not test his luck as it could always get worse. He had left the table as soon as he could and hoped that Hazel wouldn't come back to the cabin too soon.

***

"Good match Jace," Percy sighed, struggling to catch his breath after their fight. They did this a lot to fill in boring parts of the day, or to put on a show. It was also a great way to get your mind off of the last few years when you are nearly killing your friends for fun, the healers had given them many lectures about electrocuting and drowning each other many times but hey they weren't dead yet so they must be doing something right.

"Back at you bro." Jason said putting his shirt back on, "Percy I just realised. We don't have a ship name for Will and Nico, wait Will is bi right? I think I overheard someone talking about it before we went to New Rome."

"Yeah, Annabeth told me that he came out to the whole camp a few days before you, Leo and Pipes came. Now ship names....Wilco?

"Bro that's a terrible ship name, come on we can do better mate."

They both thought for a solid 10 minutes until Jason faceplamed and said,

"Bro, Solangelo, it's so simple yet so perfect."

"Did it really just take us that long to think of that?"

"We've lost our touch bro."

The two boys were laughing as they walked back out of the forest to join the rest of the camp for campfire.

***

Nico had regrettably made the decision to show up at campfire, later making the even worse one to sit with Percy Jackson. He didn't realise how bad of an idea this was until he heard Percy sing, it sounded kind of like a dying bird. Sadly Nico had a lot of experience with dying animals and thought that it almost sounded worse. The hour was going by, then Will started to sing again. Nico didn't know the song, he just watched Will. The light from the hearth made his blonde hair almost glow, his blue eyes were so bright they reminded him of the ocean. His voice was spinning though the cold wind, Nico couldn't control himself, he stared at the Apollo boy until he finished singing. He was there laughing with the rest of his cabin, Nico looked away before Will found out he was looking.

***

"Bye sis, I'll miss you." Nico said pulling Hazel into a hug,

"I'll miss you to, you'll visit New Rome yeah? Frank, Reyna and I'll miss you."

"Course Haze," Nico said kissing his sister on the forehead and pulling her into a hug. A single tear fell from her eyes as she got on the bus, heading back to New Rome.

"Bye di Angelo, it was nice getting to know you. I hope you visit soon, and good luck with the healer." Reyna said pulling him into a hug, Nico had blushed at the last part.

"Send an Iris message when you get there yeah? I'll miss you Reyna." The Ghost king said holding back tears, over their journey he and Reyna had become close. Nico walked over to where Frank was standing, "Good luck on your new role as Preator Frank. Take care of Hazel while you're at New Rome, if I hear one word that you're hurting her in any way I will make you wish you were dead." He said looking up at the boy,

"Don't worry Nico, I'll take care of her. I'll see you next time yeah." He said before getting on the bus, the sky was dark, covered in stars.

***

Nico woke up shaking, his screams muffled in his pillow. Nightmares, Nico stuck in the Jar, Tartrus, Bianca dying, Hazel hurt, the battle of Manhattan, the last time he talked to Bianca. Everything was so realistic, he couldn't control the tears. Nico checked the clock, 12:07 shit he thought to himself as he took the small pill the blonde boy had given him. He could barely swallow it, he hadn't stopped shaking. The nightmares hadn't been as bad with Hazel there but alone they were so vivid and realistic, he couldn't get the images out of his head. He opened up his bedside table and pulled out a pocket knife, another thing on the list that no one could know. He wanted to die, he was cursed, everything good in his life was overrun by fear and sadness. By the end of the night his is arms were covered in shallow cuts, they would heal soon enough and he knew they wouldn't scar, no one has to know. Nico barely slept the rest of the night, the less sleep he got the less time for nightmares.

---

Nico woke up to a loud knock on the door, he had slept in his jeans and camp shirt so he just put on his jacket and ran his fingers through his hair before opening the door. Standing there, with far to much energy for someone to have in the morning: Will Solace.

"What in the Hades are you doing here Solace?" Nico asked rubbing his eyes before spotting the sun towards the east, well it wasn't past 12, truly a miracle. "And what time is it?"

"It's 9:30 and I am here to make sure you take your meds, it's protocol to make sure it's been taken."

Nico rolled his eyes as he grabbed the container that was next to his bed as well as a glass of water that he had left there, as he swallowed he said.

"Happy now Solace?"

"I told you it's protocol, normally we get someone else from the cabin to check but Hazel went to New Rome."

"Aren't you head? Doesn't that mean you made the protocol?" Will put his finger to his lip before responding with,

"Bye Nico, I'll wait for you at the Hades table for breakfast. Oh and watch out for Piper, she is insistent on taking you shopping and Chiron already agreed to letting her take you." He said as he walked out the door. Nico sighed, well there was no chance he was getting out of something if Piper wanted him to do it. He needed a new jacket anyways.

***

Will had annoyingly made sure Nico got food, he picked up a single slice of toast and was forcing himself to eat.

"Neeks don't forget to take the other one as well."

"Don't call me Neeks." He said grumbling as he put the pill in his mouth and swallowed.

"It's a cute nickname."

"Would you like an army of skeletons chasing you? Is that cute enough?"

"No underworldly stuff Neeks, or else-"

"You're kidnapping me and locking me in the infirmary again."

"Exactly." Will smiled resisting the urge to ruffle the Ghost Kings long hair. Then Piper ran up to them,

"Nico I'm taking you shopping today. You can't stop me, I've already asked Chiron and he agrees you need more social interaction." Nico gave her dagger eyes, the Apollo kid had already left to go to the infirmary seemly please with Nico's eating. "Also you need a haircut-"

"Not a chance McLean, I do not trust those people."

"Nico it'll be fine, unless you would rather me cut it."

"No chance."

"One or the other, come on di Angelo. Son of Hades scared of a haircut?"

"Oh fuck you McLean."

"You aren't denying it...."Piper grinned as Nico thought about his options, he knew he wasn't getting away, Piper would probably charmspeak him into getting it cut anyways so there's no point resisting.

"I hate you so much McLean, either way I trust you more." Nico sighed, Piper's face lit up.

"You're the best Nico, trust me I know what I'm doing. Oh you're still not getting out of shopping by the way, you need to own something that isn't black."

"I don't think I do,"

"You act like you're allergic to colour I swear, hey you might even enjoy it."

"Impossible."

"We can go to McDonalds? I remember Percy saying something about you loving that place."

Nico considered the offer, it had been two year's since he had gone to McDonalds. He was almost certain Piper had charmspoke him considering after that offer he agreed.

"Great, I'll meet you at thirteen in an hour." Piper said before walking off to celebrate her success with Jason. Then he reaslied what he agreed to, Piper would probably find out about his eating thing. Fuck. At that point though there was no going back, 'well let's hope that Piper McLean can keep a secret.' he thought before walking to the Hades cabin and throwing up everything he had eaten. He still thought it was a miracle no one had found out, he always made sure to be in his cabin before it happened. People worry about him enough already, he didn't need them worrying even more, he would be fine, it would fix itself.

***

Nico heard a knock and went to open the door, Piper looked back at him with a smile.

"Hey McLean, please do not make me regret this."

"Trust me you won't Nico, and you do realise that people have first names right?" Piper smiled as she walked inside; Nico rolled his eyes at the comment and closed the door. As they walked inside the bathroom the Aphrodite girl pulled out some scissors, a comb and a spray bottle filled with water. "Okay so since your hair is straight so it'll be easier to cut while it's wet, I'll cut it to around your shoulders and add some layers, any objections?"

"You forced me into this, I'm hoping you know what you're doing."

"You have so much confidence in me, why are you so against getting your hair cut anyway? I'm genuinely curious."

"Reason."

"Great explanation." Piper muttered as she started brushing Nico's hair, it was soft and wasn't that thick but not thin either.

"Last time I got it cut was like two years ago, I asked for it to but cut around my shoulders and this bitch cut it shorter than Jason's saying it 'Wasn't right' so now I refuse to have it shorter than my collar to spite her."

"I'm surprised you didn't kill her, I probably would have." Piper laughed as she continued brushing,

"Well social anxiety is a real bitch." Nico smiled as he said it. The daughter of Aphrodite started to spray his hair with water and cutting carefully half an inch above his shoulder and adding layers into it. Nico stood perfectly still the whole time, neither talked until Piper had finished.

"So di Angelo, thoughts?" Piper asked,

"You're surprising good at this McLean." Nico smiled, a often a rare occurrence for the child of. Hades yet it had become more common in the last few days.

"Don't be so shocked Nico, my mother is Aphrodite, Goddess of beauty." Piper said as she handed him some hair ties, "You'll need these, I have no clue how you've survived so long with your hair out but you don't have to suffer any longer. Also Will would love it." Piper winked, Nico rolled his eyes.

"Oh leave me be McLean, but thanks for the hair ties." he said as he put them around his wrist. The two cleaned up, Piper started collecting her things and glaced at her watch.

"I'll go get ready, meet you back here in twenty minutes." She said running out of the door, giving Nico just enough time to overthink. Piper had actually done a good job at cutting it, he ran his fingers through it, pulling some part from the sides in front of his face. It was shorter than he was used to but it probably looked more decent, the longer hair had started getting on his nerve either way and he mentally noted to thank Piper for cutting it. He wondered what the Apollo boy would think; he took one of the hair ties off his wrist and tied his hair back, trying to stop thinking about it, before getting ready to be dragged out by Piper. He wore the first pair of black jeans he saw with a black T-shirt and his aviator jacket, he suspected the colour may be making less of an appearance in his closest after Piper was done.

***

The two stepped into a mall in New York that Nico could not bother to remember the name of, Piper grabbed his hand dragging him through the mall. Nico constantly reminded himself that human contact would not kill him and that it was probably a good thing Piper was dragging him along considering he had no idea where he was going.

"I still don't understand why I couldn't just shadow travel us here."

"Will threatend to kill me and Chiron if we let you shadow travel."

"Of course it was Solace, I would expect nothing less from him." The son of Hades said, rolling his eyes. The two demigods walked through the stores both trying on different clothes and Piper this time failing to convince Nico to get anything that wasn't black. All while Piper teased him about a certain son of Apollo,

"Be realistic Piper, he's probably straight anyways."

"No he's not actually, he's bi. Leo was going to tell you but he couldn't find you, apparently the rest of Camp knows." Nico's face lit up for a second before looking back down.

"There's still no chance. He is literally the embodiment of sunshine, I am the child of Hades, God of the fucking Underworld. There is no sunlight there."

"Nico he clearly cares about you."

"It's his job."

"But he checks in on you so much more than anyone else."

"Because he doesn't trust me to stay alive."

"If he didn't trust you to be alive he would have kept you in the infirmary."

"There's still no chance he likes me."

"You're the only one who thinks that Nico, he gave you a nickname for Aphrodite's sake. He doesn't do that with anyone else who is 'just a patient'"

"He did that to get on my nerve."

"Gods you're so dense, wanna go to McDonald's now?"

"Oh, sure." Nico said trying to hide the shake in his voice.

"Oh and di Angelo, Will threatened to kill me if I didn't make you eat a full meal so yeah."

"Of course he did."

***

They finished ordering, Piper had only gotten some fries and a drink because apparently the vegetarian options 'were so bad they tasted like grass'. Nico just nodded, not pointing out the fact that not ten minutes ago she was threatening him to eat a full meal today because Will would kill her if he didn't and here she was barely eating herself.

"Number 57!" Nico walked up and grabbed the tray, he breathed in deeply. He'll be okay, if he acted calm then he could play it off. He would just walk off for a bit, Piper didn't have to know. The two started to eat, it still tasted as good as Nico remember but he could barely get anything down his throat. He already felt sick but he knew he could withstand at least another five minutes without throwing up, he tried to keep conversation to a minimum putting all his energy into seeming fine. After another few minutes passed, then Nico muttered,

"Bathroom." Before walking away, he tried to keep his pace normal but already knew he was walking away too fast and Piper would know something was up. He quickly walked inside and was extremely thankful the bathroom was empty, he went into the stall furthest away from the door. He threw up everything he had eaten like countless other times, at that point he was just hoping no one would walk in. He cleaned himself up a bit and headed back towards Piper,

"Okay tell me. What happened?"

"What?"

"I know something happened, you're biting your nails and you looked sick before. Also you practically ran and you look nervous."

"Nothing happened."

"Nico don't lie, I know something happened. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Piper desperately wanted to know what had happened to the Hades boy but she knew when to stop pushing, she didn't want to charmspeak it out of him, that's purely invasive. He'll tell when he's ready.

"Come on, I want to do something I'll regret in a week."

"Which is...?"

"I'm getting my ears pierced."

"Oh my Gods, yes. That is an amazing idea; if they say you look too young to do it without parents concent, I'll charmspeak them."

"Thanks McLean, didn't particularly like the plan of asking the God of the Underworld to come to a mall in New York." Nico was relieved Piper had either forgotten to continue interrogating him or was leaving the topic for now, he had been meaning to do this at some point either way and this seemed like a good occasion.

***

Piper had to do some charmspeaking, but finally Nico had gotten them done. He decided to get doubles since he was going to regret it anyway might as well go all out, he hadn't even flinched when it happened. After that they went to a few more stores and Piper finally convinced him to get something that wasn't black, instead a very dark blue.

"I would ask if you are actually allergic to bright colours except I've seen you in a bright red shirt so that clearly isn't the case."

"I just like black, is there a problem?"

"It makes you look like the Grim Reaper."

"I was hoping for that."

"You're hopeless di Angelo."

"Finally you're giving up, took you long enough."

"Nope, simply stating facts. If I can bring a metal dragon to life I can make you look less like a ghost without the use of charmspeaking." Turns out however that she could not, maybe some tasks really were impossible.

"I'll shadow travel us back, it's not that far."

"Nico, I would get killed by your loverboy if you did that. We'll just take the-"

"That is probably more dangerous if we're being perfectly honest, also shut up."

"Never. By the way not that many people died, it was-" but the daughter of Aphrodite didn't have time to finish. A wooden club hit her over the head, Nico cursed under his breath and pulled out the only weapon he had, a small pocket knife, he knew he couldn't do much against a fully grown cyclopes. He didn't know where it had come from but that wasn't important, the monster had probably found them because of his blood, children of the big three were the easiest to be tracked by monsters. He had skeletons but there is no way he could stab it with the celestial bronze blade, Piper had passed out and was bleeding on the floor. Meanwhile Nico was struggling to not get hit by the 15 foot cyclopes, he didn't know what everyone else had seen but they didn't pay much attention. He raised a few skeletons to try and keep it in place, he felt himself getting weaker. He knew he shouldn't be doing these things but he was fine for those years he was alone, he would survive now. Piper had lost a lot of blood, he didn't know how well this would go, he had some squares of ambrosia but couldn't get it to her without dying. There was nothing else he could do, he grabbed her wrist and shadow traveled back to camp, but still got hit with the club before he was gone. His head hurt and he tasted blood in his mouth, he collapsed as he showed up somewhere in front of cabin 13.

---

"Nico, God's you scared us."

"What? Am I in the infirimry? Is Piper okay?" He said barely able to speak, coughing after each word.

"Piper woke up in an hour, you've been out for three days Death boy."

"Don't call me that, wait WHAT? I've been out for three days?"

"Try to breathe, I'll get you some water and then I'll explain." The blonde boy walked of and Nico tried to comprehend what had just happened, he'd passed out for three days. Shit, what had happened with the cyclops. Solace had returned with a glass of water and handed it to Nico after he had sat up, "Jason's been worried sick about you, I finally forced him outside today to get some food. You had a concussion and you were practically dead, I forced as much necter down your throat as I could without killing you."

"I didn't kill the cyclops, what happened after?" Nico coughed as he spoke, Will ruffled his hair.

"Neeks it was handled, but right now that isn't important. Three days rest in the infirmary, no underworldy things for 11 weeks 6 for this time, 5 for last time. I'll go and get you some food it'll probably help. Also I'll get Jason, he's hasn't slept for the past three days and would kill me if I didn't tell him instantly." Nico wanted to protest but he physically couldn't, he just nodded as the golden boy walked off. He wondered how longs Jason had been waiting and instantly felt guilty, he also desperately wanted to see Piper to make sure she was okay but right now he could barely breath. Jason ran into the room wrapping his arms around Nico,

"I was so fucking scared di Angelo, I thought you were dead."

"S-sorry.." Nico muttered,

"What are you apologising for?"

"Will told me you haven't slept for three days."

"Well yeah, I was worried about you, not exactly your fault you got attacked. Nico you don't know how bad it looked, you we're laying on the floor covered in blood with Piper on top of you. When we first took you to the infirmary sometimes you would go through solid objects like you were turning into a shadow, you had a broken arm and were barely breathing. Fucking hell Nico I'm so happy you're alive."

"Is Piper okay?"

"Yeah she's fine, just gave her a bit of ambrosia and she woke up. She's been beating herself up over not noticing the cylopese before though."

"That's what she's worried-" Nico started coughing violently before he managed to drink some water, before wincing at the pain in his ribs.

"Nico! Are you okay?" A mixture of fear and panic washed over Jason's face,

"Fine. Go back to dinner, you look like you haven't eaten in far to long."

"Irony," Jason smirked before walking out the door.

***

The Apollo boy walked in carrying two plates of food, placing one on an empty table and handing the other one to Nico.

"Neeks you okay?"

"Hurts...to...breathe." The blonde boy quickly walked up to Nico lifting his shirt and touching his torso feeling his ribs, the son of Hades flinched at the contact.

"Sorry," Will said, yet still keeping his hands on the small boy.

"Still getting used to human contact." Nico mumbled, the Apollo boys hand was warm on his skin.

"Shit, Neeks. It's broken, I should have checked but I completely forgot with the whole passing through solid objects and hoping you would wake up. I'm really sorry." He pushed on the bones a bit, it hurt but Nico showed no reaction. Then he started softly singing a hymn, Nico felt warmth rushing over his body. He exhaled softly as the blonde boy that he just realised had been faintly glowing faded, he lifted his hands off leaving Nico's skin warm. "That should have fixed it," Will said as his bright blue eyes locked with Nico's. "You okay Neeks?"

"Yeah, fine." Nico muttered realising he had just frozen, he quickly grabbed his shirt and pulling it down before starting to process the fact that Will Solace can heal when he sings and glows.

"You seem surprised," Will noted, he was as well, his healing had been less reliable after the Gods disappeared for months.

"YOU HEAL PEOPLE SINGING? FUCKING SINGING OF ALL THINGS?!?" Nico said in pure shock,

"Apollo's the God of music, healing and the Sun..?"

"But just imagine if you get stabbed and someone just starts singing."

"It makes more sense on paper okay!" Will says raising his hands in surrender, "Nico you should probably eat something, you've been on an IV for three days." Nico glanced over realising the needle was in his arm.

"I'm not hungry." Nico muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Wil to hear.

"Neeks you haven't eaten in three days, just try to eat something. It'll make you feel better, you'll need it." Nico knew that he wouldn't be able to keep anything down, but maybe if he acted right he could play it off as a one time thing, he just felt bad this time thing. Will started eating an apple,

"What happened to an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" Nico smirked, before forcing himself to take a bite of a sandwich and instantly regretted it. Will just smiled and rolled his eyes at the comment; Nico kept forcing himself to eat, no matter how sick he felt. He was hoping that Will would leave soon but doubted he would be that lucky, the Apollo kid seemed insistent on keeping him company. Will looked over to the small boy realising how sick he looked,

"Neeks you alright?" Nico just shook his head, Will quickly handed him the closest bin and held back Nico's hair as he threw up the sandwhich he had just forced himself to eat.

"Cazzo." He muttered under his breath, normally he could force himself to last a bit longer but after the last three days he couldn't handle it. Will gave him a glass of water before sitting down on the bed next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. After a few minutes he ran his fingers through Nico's hair, taking out every tangel.

"Di Angelo, you should probably get some rest, it should help you feel better. Tomorrow morning see if you can eat anything, we'll keep you on the IV for now." Nico just nodded already half asleep leaning against the blonde boy. Will lifted up the sleeping boy with ease, laying him on the bed. He was too light, he weighed 90 pounds at the very most which was dangerously underweight. Will made a mental note to talk to him more about that; he looked at the small boy laying there. He seemed so peaceful, he had gone through so much, this was the first time Will had seen him relaxed, even in his sleep. Last time he'd been in the infirmary he had slept for most of it but he always seemed ready to attack or run, Will couldn't help but smile at him. He flicked off the lights and checked his watch, 8:42, that meant he would have some time to talk to Annabeth before campfire.

***

"How's he doing?"

"He woke up today, turns out he had a broken rib and I didn't fucking realise."

"Will, he almost died. You were panicking, you helped him in the end, don't beat yourself up."

"It's a fucking broken rib not a paper cut."

"I know and normally I would be scolding you over it but this is a different situation, anyway any progress?"

"Well I mean he didn't threaten to kill me when I touched him and he talked to me so that's something I think...?"

"See he doesn't hate you!" She says punching him in the shoulder lightly,

"He's so fucking hot, how the Hades is someone allowed to be that hot?"

"Damn Solace, you're more obsessed than I thought."

"No shit. Also how do I get past the 'I won't kill you but I don't like you very much' stage?

"Try to talk to him, make him play 20 questions with you? Then he can interrogate you while you interrogate him, but also have few skips. He's gone through a lot, you don't want to force him to answer if he doesn't feel comfortable."

"Thanks for the advice Anni-Annabeth." He catches himself before using the nickname, he knows it's the one Luke always used.

"No problem Will, I wish you the best of luck in not getting killed."

"Hopefully I won't need it." he sighed with a smile before walking off to join his siblings. Annabeth smiled to herself, this would be entertaining. It was honestly painful to watch them pining over each other like this much while being so clueless about the other, it took all of her willpower to not lock them in a room together until they kissed.

---

"Morning Death boy." Will smiled as Nico got up,

"So creative, how long did it take for you to think of that?"

"Would you prefer Neeks? Or Doom and Gloom?"

"You are a child, Sunshine."

"Wow Nico di Angelo has discovered nicknames; anyways how do you feel?" It still surprised Nico how quickly Will could go from joking around to very much serious,

"I'm fine."

"Do you think you can eat anything?" Nico shook his head, as Will checked his pulse and breathing before taking out the IV needle. "Neeks I'm gonna take a blood sample, we need to see if the underworldly things have any other effects." Nico nodded but Will noticed the uncomfort on his face, he decided not to point it out but made a mental note. Nico didn't flinch at the needle but he looked like he was re-living something, Will didn't ask but wished he knew. "You feel alright to get up?"

"Yeah,"

"Great we're going outside, you need sunlight."Nico muttered something under his breath not loud enough for Will to hear.

"Aren't I on infirmary arrest?"

"Technically no, but it's either stay in the infirmary or have a healer with you at all times right now."

"Amazing," Nico grumbled following Will outside towards the edge of the forest.

***

"So Solace what exactly are we doing?"

"Down to play twenty questions?" Nico considered the offer and smirked,

"Sure." The two sat down next to each other on a log.

"Two skips each, but they get replaced with other questions."

"What's something that isn't a secret but most people don't know about you?" He was ridiculously bored and thought he could use this game to his advantage.

"I'm not actually blonde."

"Explain. Now."

"I was brunette but when I got claimed any part of my hair that was in the sun turned blonde." He pulled out a piece of his hair that wasn't normally visible, it was a light chesnut brown colour.

"Well that's shocking, you know when I asked that question that was not an answer I was expecting."

"I'm a mysterious person di Angelo, now, do you have any exes?"

"Solace I spend most of my time avoiding people."

"In hindsight that was a pretty dumb question."

"Too late, if you had to kill all the people in one cabin which one would it be?"

"Demeter. That was a bit of a violent question." He tried to play it off but his answer had been so quick and confident Nico started to wonder what had happened. "Have you ever drunk?"

"More than you would expect."

"Neeks! You're fourteen, have you ever wondered why there are age restrictions?" Nico just smirked,

"You asked Sun boy, anyways technically I'm older than that. What's the worst crime you have ever committed?"

"Love how you just assume I've committed crimes, but assult. The only reason it wasn't murder is Annabeth pulling me off."

"The fuck Solace, are you going to explain that?"

"I'd rather not, let's just say I was pretty...pissed that day."

"Well that's terrifying."

"I told you I have secrets di Angelo, who's someone you used to care about but now hate?"

"Skip."

"Is it true you liked Annabeth?"

"Really Solace? No it is not, otherwise Percy would have already murdered me."

"Had to ask, the Aphrodite cabin was trying to figure that out for two years."

"Truly incredible, can you fight with a sword?"

"Not in the slightest."

"I'm teaching you, archery will be useless in close combat. You will die in a matter of seconds ."

"You have so much confidence in me Neeks, but thanks for the offer."

"Wasn't an offer, more so a kidnapping where I teach you by force how to fight."

"Okay then...do you prefer the 1930s or now?"

"Now, better arcades."

"Great reasoning."

"What's your worst fear?"

"Pass, I would never hear the end of it."

"Can't be that bad."

"You would never shut up about it Neeks, I can guess that much." Nico locked eyes with the blonde boy, he considered the question he was about to ask.

"Do you regret coming out to all of camp?" So he did know, Will thought to himself. He didn't answer instantly but he didn't want to pass it either.

"Well, um.."

"You have skips, you don't have to answer Will." That was the first time Nico had used his actual name, Will desperately wanted to kiss him.

"I want to answer it just, thinking. I'm happy they know and I don't have to hide it but...some people aren't the nicest. Cabin four has the most for whatever reason, they seem to get joy out of making me feel like shit. Most people are nice enough, with the rest, well you get used to it." Nico grabbed his hand,

"Who. Has. Been. Giving. You. Shit? Give me a list, I will make sure they'll never do anything again."

"Neeks it's fine, I don't need you threatening them."

"I'll be doing a lot more than threats Solace, give me a list of every single person who has hurt you."

"Nico it's okay."

"Did I ask? You're a ball of sunshine, no one and I mean no one has any reason to hurt you."

"They do, there's so many people I couldn't save, I killed them. I deserve to suffer because of that, they deserve revenge on me for killing their friends." Will had tears forming in his eyes.

"Will it's not your fault they died, and either way you shouldn't have to go through this."

"Nico, are you straight?" He froze for a second, he had still been holding Will's hand but he didn't want to let go. He was warm, his thumb was stroking his hand warming up the usually freezing Ghost king. After Will had told him so much he couldn't lie, he always had a skip but part of him wanted Will to know.

"..n..no...I'm gay. Not that many people know, the seven and Reyna that's it. Please don't tell anyone." Nico shakes a bit and a few tears fell, he didn’t want to cry in front of him but he couldn’t help it. Will wrapped his free arm around Nico and pulled him closer to himself,

"Thank you for telling me, I know it's hard Neeks."

"How did you tell so many people?"

"Didn't like people assuming things, also I just...didn't want to hide I guess. Still though, I've been too scared to tell my mum, barely seen her since I'm here all year but even if I had the chance to I probably wouldn't tell her. As for the actual time well it was a while after Percy was missing, before Jason, Piper and Leo showed up, campfire, just kinda said if at the end."

"Did anyone know before that?"

"I told Annabeth first but Kayla and Austin found out by themselves pretty quickly. Who was your first crush?"

"Do not hold this against me, it was Percy." Will started grinning,

"Same, half the camp has liked him at this point I swear."

"Half of camp is pathetic."

"You're including yourself in that statement you know."

"I am fully aware, honestly I should have given up on him when I saw him talking to Annabeth the first time."

"Didn't they hate each other for a few years?"

"Hate is a strong word, I prefer to use hopelessly in love and oblivious."

"Lovely wording; I gave up when my brain started working and I realised he is straight."

"You think Percy is straight? Have you talked to him before?"

"Percy isn't straight?!"

"With the way he talked about Luke? Not a chance, and that was after he betrayed him. I can only imagine him pining over him at the age of twelve, completely oblivious, then also being hopelessly in love with Annabeth and being a helpless simp once more."

"So you are telling me Percy Jackson liked Luke Castellan, aka. the person who tried to kill him multiple times?"

"When he was twelve definitely, at least in the way he talked about what he was like before when I met him. Don't know if he realised it then, but he is not straight. You haven't seen him and Jason talk, if I didn't know how much he loved Annabeth, going to Taturus with her I would have been sure they're secretly dating."

"The more you know I guess. What's something you can do that no one knows about?"

"I can braid hair, I mean Hazel knows that but still."

"Emo Death boy can braid hair."

"Firstly, I'm not emo."

"Keep thinking that Neeks."

"Secondly, this is why I don't tell people this."

"Honestly the fact you can braid hair is adorable, also it proves that you are no where near as scary as you think."

"I could kill you right now."

"You sure about that di Angelo? Right now you can't do much without melting into a puddle of darkness, you're just a nerd that's pretending to be dark and mysterious."

"Oh shut up Solace."

"Never."

"Have you been on a quest?"

"Nope, I just try to prevent deaths after them."

"How many languages can you speak?"

"Wait give me a second, Itallian, Greek moderen and ancient, Latin, English, French, Spanish, Swedish, Portuguese, Polish, Finnish, German and Dutch. So that's twelve and a half I'm fluet in and I'm trying to teach myself Russian and Japanese." He said counting them off on his fingers

"Gods Nico, what exactly do you do with your free time?"

"Well first four are pretty obvious but Bianca taught me French and Swedish and the rest I've taught myself, writing's hell with dyslexia but I've survived. It's a pretty useful skill when you randomly show up in different countries."

"I can barely speak English properly half the time!"

"That sounds like a problem on your side Sunshine." He said messing up the blonde boys hair, Will desperately tried to hide his blushing. "Have you ever passed out because you healed too many people?"

"Yeah, happens quite a bit." Nico slapped him, not that hard but hard enough for it to hurt. "Hey what was that for?"

"You can't be overworking yourself like that Solace, you're a doctor for Zeus's sake. What help is it going to be if you pass out while healing someone?"

"It's the most effective way, plus I get more people healed."

"So let me get this straight, you risk your own health while telling people not to?"

"Okay when you put it that way-"

"Yeah it sounds bad! Please do not do that, can't have you dying on me Solace"

"I thought you were plotting to kill me anyways?"

"Exactly, can't have you dying before I kill you myself."

"Sure di Angelo, have you ever killed anyone?"

"Pass." He had become friendly with Will, he didn't need anyone else leaving him.

"Cats or dogs?"

"Do hellhounds count? I have a pet hellhound called Mrs O'Leary."

"Was that a gift from Hades?"

"Nope, from Percy."

"Wait what? I'm just going to accept that at this point."

"Good idea, I wasn't planning to explain."

"Course you weren't," Will checked his watch. "Come on Neeks, it's time for lunch, we got through ten questions each, same time tomorrow?"

"I don't have a choice do I?"

"Nope; head to the infirmary I'll get you some food."

"I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten for a few days, just try to eat a few bites."

"Fine.." Nico muttered before walking off to the infirmary.

***

----------

I really hope this helps peeps :)

[theoldbone]

The old post was all out of order, so I did an update. Here is some timeline info on recovery from bad anesthesia reactions for those that end up in the same sad boat. When I first saw Rocky I thought it would have been better for him to have not come back. He was stiff as a board and twitching, completely unable to do anything, even eat or drink, but I'm so glad we tried. He's basically completely recovered and I want people to know that there is a chance for things to work themselves out if you give them the time to do so.

March 9, 2018

Last Sunday Rocky was taken to the vet for a blocked urethra.  After the surgery the vet found that he was still blocked a did a second surgery to unblock him. During the surgery he died, but was revived with cpr. He did not react well to the anesthesia. He was comatose with unreactive pupils and did not move till the next morning. His muscles are rigid and twitch.

Day 2 he could lift his head but did not react or move otherwise but his pupils reacted to light. He was placed on a iv and feeding tube.

Day 3  He was looking around, making eye contact and ate a small amount of canned food. He has good blood work, is stable, and improves every day. He still cannot get up, but the vet thinks with time and physical therapy that he will. He is a fighter and we want to give him every chance to get better.

March 20th Rocky is home. He is able to eat on his now and can walk, if unsteadily. We noticed he seemed unable to see, and a vet check today confirmed that the anesthesia left him blind. He can find his food and water dishes, but not the litter box. His coordination is still bad, but getting better. We will have to wait and see if he regains any sight.

April 6, 2018

Rocky is doing well! He’s eating 2 cans a day now and seems to have memorized the layout of the house. We noticed when we took him outside to get some sunshine that he squinting his eyes. So we are hoping that he can see strong light and shadows. 

April 22, 2018

Still blind but doing well. He has a more normal gait now with only a little high stepping when he’s unsure. He is still on pain pills for his nerve pain but seems to need them less often. He’s eating and drinking normally and has started to play a little. Video of him walking https://vimeo.com/266048503 https://vimeo.com/266048557

October 7, 2018

Rocky is off all of this medication. :D He no longer has nerve pain and runs round and behaves like a normal cat. He’s still blind but has adapted really well. You’d never know by the way he moves and acts. The only reason we know is that he fails the menace test.

We were so worried he’d be neurologically deficient. But he relearned everything, how to eat, drink, walk, and use the litter box… It took time, but he did learn those things! We didn’t know if he’d make it, but we knew he should have the chances we could provide him. And six months later our hard work has paid off.

I figured I’d do a big post because we were so sure that we’d have to give up on him. There is so little data on recovery rates or even chances with cats that have died under anesthesia. It was so frustrating to not see any long term reports that had anything to do with recovery from catastrophic events (death, resuscitation). No one could tell us anything, even the vets. So hopefully this will help someone in the future if they happen to land in this same terrible spot.

Last update: August 19th 2019

Rocky passed the menace test today. We aren't entirely sure what that means sight wise. Could mean he sees movement, or just high contrast light or shadow, but he sees something. At least has some ability to process what he's seeing now. We probably will never know since we can't really ask him, but I'm glad he has some vision back.

[dragpinkman]

i dont really mind being called fat at this point in my life but i do feel like a lot of skinny people think that's what fatphobia is so it doesn't seem like a big deal. its hard to explain that its in EVERY way im treated, i would just like to be treated the same. at my lowest weight people would look me in the eyes, strangers would compliment my clothes (the same style i had when i was heavier), customers would treat me nicer, people at school would talk to me. now that im not that weight anymore it really hits harder how little human decency im given, i had a taste of how thinner people are treated. when i went in to doctors offices with more vitamin deficiencies and stomach issues than i had the year before at a higher weight and i got praise. they actually listened to my concerns this time and didn't just tell me to lose weight and thats when i found out I had celiac. i had been complaining about chronic pain for 10 years and no one thought to look or do anything more than tell me to lose some weight. not only that, i had lost a very alarming amount of weight in months and my doctor told me she was proud; i had every obvious sign of an eating disorder down to weighing everything i ate and i only got compliments. not only medically and socially but romantically i got asked out twice that year and its the last time i remember being called pretty by a stranger. its the last time someone random has complimented my makeup. it really makes you feel like an alien, like you can't be loved just because you arent a size 4. :/

[cafffeineconnoisseur]

Everything you went through i understand completely.

Fyi nursing school wasn’t my first option, but I couldn’t do well back in high school since my father passed the same year I should’ve studied hard to get good grades that could get me into med school.

I was only 0.7% away from getting into med school so nursing was my last option, and honestly, my family was against it but I insisted since it was my last option and the last major that’s close to med school, so i got in 🤷🏼‍♀️

Back in my second year, I had to go visit a therapist because of the immense amount of pressure I went through and I had to get on some meds to help me relax, which resulted in having irregular periods and having to take meds for that too, I honestly am still traumatized about my entire university experience, but i kept telling myself that it will end soon and it did.

Another family member passed when I was a graduate, and I went through depression and anxiety for the entire graduation year I wasn’t even half happy even when I was close to the end, so again i relate.

Time will pass by and you will remember these days and be thankful they’re over, I’m glad you’re occupying yourself with different hobbies and I’d say this is the best time to explore your true self and what you actually want, this is the perfect time to choose a path you’re comfortable with, and maybe learn about other careers that could be wayyyy better than med school, i secretly wish i chose marketing over nursing bc they’re effing rich 😂

Ily pookie and i want you to be the best all the time ❤️

Pookie I'm so sorry you had to go thru all that and thanks a lot for sharing. Ik this can be difficult to talk about but I'm so grateful you did cuz I feel empowered.

I'm so sorry about your father's and your family member's passing, it's so hard to deal with honestly. Even my grandpa passed away last November, I hadn't met him in 4 years and I didn't even have the time to grieve. Damn how I wish the education system took our mental health seriously lmao.

Sending you hugs cuz I relate to the irregular periods so much cuz since 2024 began, I didn't get it for 3 months straight. I literally got it during my finals and it was hella intense so I did pretty horrible in it and even now I'm gonna touch the 2 month mark lmao. I was basically diagnosed with severe vitamin B12 deficiency so I had to take shots on my ass lmao and shit ton of meds. It didn't cure my headache so my doc gave me anti depressants and anti anxiety pills which I'd used more often than necessary. I realised it was wrong so I stopped completely and had to go thru withdrawal lol. Isn't it crazy how much our physical health is affected by all of it? Ugh I find it so annoying. Like in the past few months I've gained some weight. Lot of ppl around me call me some shit for that but I try to ignore it. I want to lose weight but I have a history of ed so I'm just scared lmao.

I hope you're doing better now pookie ❤️

Yeah I'm sure time will pass but I just can't wait now lmao. It's been too long and I'm done with those toxic af classes, losing friends, constant anxiety, insomnia and what not. All of that to still not be good enough.

Ifkr like atp I just wanna be YouTuber or tiktoker lmao cuz some of them are earning wayy more than actual doctors hahaha.

Actually I'm looking into more research oriented careers and stuff idk how that's gonna go lol

Thanks a lot for sharing this baby, I feel so much better just sharing my heart away over here. 💗

[savofid]

So, just watched Dream's "The Truth" video and it got me thinking about my story with false allegations. I guess that's what a trigger is, huh? That it triggered me, but in a neutral way? Maybe leaning towards good? I dunno. I'm stoned and wanna vent. So, I guess warnings for some pretty intense shit like sa, a mention of miscarriage, some talk about psychiatric care, a mention of r*pe, and some emotional trauma? It's not gonna be a good time, but I'll feel better when I finish.

So, my older sister is complicated, in the way that realizing everything is made of math is complicated. It's a lot of jargon. She has a mutation of the MTHFR gene (?) that inhibits her body's ability to uptake and process Vitamin B12. As a result, she has a deficiency of Vitamin B12, and that can lead to a number of complications in one's life. She has a hard time bringing a child to term, having had multiple miscarriages before she was properly medicated and now has three daughters. It interferes with the body's ability to properly send certain chemical signals in the brain, leading to a number of psychiatric issues, often presenting as schizoeffective disorder. Her heart, at any time for no reason at all, can just sorta... Stop.

I could be mad at her for the things that she's done to people, but I can't. It's not even because she's my sister. I hate two of my sisters because they're horrible people, and I've never even met my oldest sister and don't plan to. Family don't mean shit to me. No, I can't hate her because it's not her fault. No one knew what was going on inside her body and she had to spend 3 years in an institution because of it. I can't imagine going through that.

However, using that as an excuse for her actions wouldn't be right. She still did them. She wasn't possessed by some demon. There was some part of her that wanted to do it. I know because I have anxiety and am a recovering alcoholic, both of which cause a ton of intrusive thoughts about things that part of me wants but the rest knows I shouldn't do, even if that part is extremely small and incredibly wrong, like hearing myself tell me to punch some guy in the face cause he "looked at me funny." He was facing the sun and squinting. What I'm saying is that there was SOME malice to her actions, some reason her delusions manifested as they did. It'll make more sense later.

During the summers, my birth mother had visitation rights for the entire summer, so we'd stay with her for three months. When I was 12, we were there and, one night, I heard my dad walk in. It's the middle of the summer and he's supposed to be across the state, back at our house. He and my older sister leave, and my birth mother won't talk about what's going on, and everything is incredibly confusing. I found out a few days later what happened.

My dad had gotten a phone call from the local police department asking for my older sister to appear before the police to give a witness statement. He asked why, and they said that she had accused his friend of having raped her.

My dad's friend, Ron, was a school bus driver, and had been arrested by the local police following the allegation that my older sister made that morning while at my birth mother's house. He had to sell his car to afford a decent lawyer, spent the night in jail, lost his job especially since my sister was a minor and he drives, ya know, a school bus. He almost had a divorce from his wife of 45 years. His grandson was my best friend.

On the drive across the state, my dad only said one thing to her: "When we get there, just tell them the truth." Mind you, my older sister is my dad's favorite. I didn't even know she was the favorite until 13 years after he died. He believed her. He didn't ask her any questions because he didn't want to influence her story in any way, make sure that it's as truthful and accurate as possible.

They finally get there, it's around midnight. My dad just drove six hours at the drop of a hat for his daughter. They take her to be interviewed, and she instantly admits that she lied. Her reason? She didn't feel like she was getting enough attention from my birth mother and didn't think it would get that bad. She stayed with my dad for the rest of the summer.

A year later, I'm at home, just having a regular day, and there's a knock at the door. My dad answers and it's... CYS? They say that my older sister, in a recent discussion with her caseworker, claimed that I was molesting her. They're here for an investigation into the allegations. First, they interview my older sister. I have to sit across the house and wait for it to be over. About an hour later, they have me come in to talk to them.

At this point, it's pretty late. My little sister is ready for bed and is going up the stairs to her bedroom, and we happen to be sitting on those stairs. Instead of going to bed, she sits down and does what she does best: make herself the center of attention. I'm telling this guy my side of the story, and she's there, making a cat dance in front of me. The investigator admitted to having ADHD ("Adult ADD" as he said it, so I assume, in today's terms, that would be ADHD diagnosed in adulthood), and was having a difficult time focusing on what I have to say. Meanwhile, the time he spent with my older sister was uninterrupted and quiet.

Following their investigation, I was given a choice: I could either stay with a friend that didn't have any sisters, or I could live in the local group home. I knew some of the kids at the group home and knew that I did not want to be there, so I picked the one friend I had that I knew didn't have any sisters, my best friend at the time. He's an only child and his parents adore me and treat me like their own kid already. And, of course, they let me stay as long as I needed to. "It'll only be a few weeks, " says CYS.

I'm there for 6 months. Meanwhile, we're still going to school together. She was in a different building than me, so, by the time I heard that she was telling people about it, it had gone from "inappropriate touching" to that I had raped her. My reputation was shot. Everyone fucking hated me. I was already getting bullied before, so imagine how it went when rumors like that started spreading. I'd be bullied to the point of tears and even the teachers heard the rumors, so they didn't do anything about it. It took me two years to undo the damage she did because, in the court of public opinion, an accusation is worse than any verdict.

Speaking of verdicts, you can imagine there were many riveting court sessions during the 6 months I was pulled from my home. Usually one every couple of weeks cause I'm literally on trial for molestation as a fucking 13 year old who has no idea what's going on and I literally just now realized, 19 years later, that that's what that was. Holy fucking shit. What. I feel like I'm short circuiting and now I feel really fucking bad. Why do I feel bad? Oh, cause I was so used to "going to court" being for like family shit that it never occurred to me that it could be for anything else. I... Don't know what to do with this information?

Okay, maybe it wasn't a possibly somewhat good trigger. I guess I did say that it's not gonna feel good, and the only person who's gonna read this is me, so I was warning myself. And potentially you, ever mysterious reader who has no reason to be here, if you even exist at all? Anyways, I'm gonna fight through the melting brain and try to get to my point here.

After those 6 months and the now realization of having been on trial, it was determined that my sister has schizoeffective disorder, resulting in delusions brought on by an inability to determine the difference between reality and fantasy at times. The doctors postulated that she likely dreamed that it happened and believed it to be real.

Now, the only people who didn't believe my sister were the ones who knew both her and me. Even my birth mother saw the holes in her story and, during the trial, said, "Well, I don't think she's telling the truth. She's twice his size and she knows it. Any time he's done something she doesn't like, she hits him or throws him. If he really did try that and she didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't've happened. She would've left him so busted up that I probably would've needed to take him to the hospital. She would've broken him in half."

My dad said a lot of the same thing, even commenting, "I think I only recall one instance in which his hand touched her chest. They were wrestling on his bed, and she jumped up from the floor. He put his hand out to try to stop her from crashing into him, and it landed right... Ya know, *there.* He immediately pulled his hand away, but she punched him in the face, threw him on the floor, and managed to kick him a few times in the back before I could pull her off of him. She didn't care that it was an accident. She would've killed him if he did it on purpose."

I don't mean this as a way to say that my older sister beat me or whatever. I left her with just as many bruises as she left me. We were kids. We fought. We played rough. We used to throw those unopened and resinous pinecones at each other for fun, like they were dodgeballs or grenades. We just beat the shit out of each other all the time, and it was always 2v1, my little sister and older sister vs me (the three kids my birth parents had together, me having a total of 8 siblings including prior marriages and one affair). At 12 years old, I was 4'8" tall and 60 lbs. I was tiny. She, at 14, was 5'5" and 120 lbs. Twice my weight, 9" taller, and a lot stronger than she looks. She used to throw me by one arm and one leg for fun. I was the one that asked her to do throw me.

Now, you'd think it ends there. She went to a mental hospital, I went home, and then successfully quashed all the rumors overnight when it was determined that I was innocent. Life ain't movies.

During my time with my best friend, he slowly revealed that he was attracted to me. I was not attracted to him for a multitude of reasons, not just cause he's a dude. I mean, I like some guys, just didn't know that yet. Anyways, he started doing some stuff like trying to get me to touch his genitals or just outright grabbing mine, or walking in on me while I'm in the shower... Multiple times per shower. And a lot of other things that I just don't wanna talk about right now even though I probably already have. I, me, the reader and writer, know what they are, so I don't really need to?

Whatever.

The dude was sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and then threatening to get me kicked out of his house if I tell anyone about it, or that he'll claim that I admitted to him that I did it, or whatever heinous thing he can think of. I had to share a bed with him for half of the time I stayed there.

On top of that, I've got people basically ready to execute me at school. The game of broken telephone turns "inappropriate touching" into "rape," and the only thing that keeps them from actually trying to kill me is the fistfight I get into with the guy I'm living with. People still talked and still treated me like shit, but it just became a game of trying to figure out how far is too far. They had full rein to try, too, cause, like I said, the teachers had heard the rumors, too, and some believed it.

I had to go to therapy every Wednesday at 1 PM. The therapist I had... Wasn't very good, to put it lightly. You know, the common thing in therapy, often regardless of your methodology, is to let the patient lead the session, right? You merely give them the push to get started, and then it's merely a dialogue that the patient is leading. What would happen with this guy is that I would sit down, there'd be a little bit of small talk, and then he'd ask, "So, tell me about an interesting dream you had this past week."

He was obsessed with my dreams. I dream in super high detail and can remember them very vividly, which he found fascinating, I guess. He said he found my dreams fascinating, but was never really clear about what aspect he seemed to enjoy, so I'm just assuming it was the vividness. Next, he would then try to analyze that dream, and was incredibly Freudian about it. I mean both literally and figuratively.

On one hand, it's that symbols and signs in dreams have objective, universal meanings completely devoid of one's specific culture, beliefs, or upbringing. Red means danger. Ignore the fact that they associate it with good luck in China.

On the other hand, he manages to project his own feelings onto someone else's situation by not only telling me that a dream about my little sister being scared of a snake, so I took a shovel and killed it, that that dream means I want to sleep with my little sister. Not only that, but he also then tries to tell me that it's okay to have thoughts like that.

No. No it is not okay to have thoughts like that. It's also especially not okay to tell children that it is okay to have thoughts like that. What the actual FUCK is wrong with you? "Well, the snake represents the phallus." No, the snake is a representation of general bad stuff due to the fact that my dad just finished writing a book with heavy Christian tones and it's about to get published, so I'm afraid that it being successful can cause problems within the family. "No, no. I'm the professional here. I know what I'm talking about, and it's okay to have those thoughts." No. It. Is. Not.

So, we've got the sexual abuse by my only remaining friend, becoming a pariah, having an absolute creep as a therapist... What else? Oh, right. The complete and crippling anxiety I feel that, at any time, someone can just ruin my life with a few simple words. The first three were temporary, but that one is permanent. Now, I know that most people don't do things like this on a regular basis. Most people's brains operate the way we think they're supposed to. Most people don't have a super particular condition only detectible with a genetic test specifically for that one thing, or a general malice for anyone they can victimize, or are incapable of remorse. Most people are just people, and the vast majority of people don't know I exist. However, there's still that constant hum of "But it could happen again. Can I deal with it again?"

This one's gonna sound, I dunno, like a pittance compared to that, but I'm genuinely still mad about it. I raised fish for 5 years. I had a 50 gallon, a 30 gallon, a 22 gallon, two 20 gallons, and two 10 gallon fish tanks. I did all the work to maintain them myself, only getting help from my dad in starting the siphon for the monthly water changes. I developed my own breed of Corydoras catfish at 11. I fucking loved my fish, and the collective weight of all those tanks literally cracked the foundation of the house. For five years, I took care of them, learned a ton, did all my research into aquascaping and what species prefer what qualities of water and temperature ranges and where in the water column they like to hang out and their temperament and any detail I could find about each species before I added it to a tank. I was obsessed and this might be one of those "*ding!* You're probably autistic" moments but I'd prefer a formal diagnosis before I'd feel comfortable saying that I am.

So, I was gone for 6 months. All the work I was doing with those fish was mine alone. I was the only person in the house who knew how to do it in the first place. Can you guess the state of 162 gallons of water and it's respective fish? If you said "green and dead," you'd be mostly correct! While I was away, my older sister decided to make... An addition to my 50 gallon tank. The local pet shop, where I got all of my fish and was a known regular, had had this pair of angelfish longer than I had lived there. They lived alone in the same tank right by the door. She convinced my dad to buy them.

Had I been present for that conversation, we never would've gotten them, because I had already done my research. The fish we typically think of when we hear angelfish is a variety of Cichlid, like Oscars and Tilapia. A thing about Cichlids is that many of them are incredibly aggressive to fish they don't recognize. As a result, unless they were raised in that tank alongside other fish, they only see their tank mates as competition or prey.

All this to say that I came home to a bunch of algae ridden tanks, disgusting filters, rotting plants, and two very fat angelfish. My bumblebee gobies are gone. My iridescent sharks are okay but the smaller one is gone. My Corydoras are gone. My various tetras and mollies, gone. My gouramis are gone. The few fish left are the aforementioned iridescent sharks that were big enough to pose a threat and my plecos. I wanted to kill those angelfish, but decided that we should just return them to the store cause they're not acting out of hate or anger. They're animals and acting on instincts. They can't control that. They're innocent.

The one thing I lost and can never regain is her as a sister. I don't hate her. I know she has her issues and, yeah, maybe she wanted to hurt me, but plenty of people wanna hurt me. Most people don't. I'm not gonna try to claim I know why she wanted to do that as much as I can about anyone else that has hurt me. Maybe she really did dream that it happened. I wanna hate her, but can't bring myself to do it, no matter how much I suffered as a result. However, I can't, in sound mind and good conscious, maintain contact with her. In the event that she tries to say anything like that ever again, I don't know if I could deal with it. I'd probably completely shatter and... I don't really wanna think about that. For the sake of my own sanity and the tiniest sliver of peace of mind, I just don't interact with her at all. I've seen her once in 17 years, and that was at another sister's wedding... Where she was sent to stay in a hotel after a day and a half due to her not even acknowledging the fact that her children were causing issues and stressing that sister out. Talked to her all of five minutes.

This is by no means me saying to not tell someone if something happens to you. Please do! Don't be like me and mentally fucked for life due to shit that happened to me at the hands of someone else. It's not your fault, don't believe them. However, the people who use an accusation as a weapon do a lot more damage than they think, even if the intent is to deal as much damage as possible to that person. You're not only hurting them, you're hurting the credibility of everyone who actually is a victim of molestation, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and rape. Five different people, two were blood relatives, two were people close to me, and one was just a guy in high school that spent weeks trying to pressure me into letting him suck my dick, even trying to force me to do it in exchange for giving me a ride to work after the SATs. Fuck you, Chris. No means no. Back on track, three were women, two were men. I'm not gonna say that my experience can be extrapolated out to the public at large, mostly cause I don't want to think that the average victim has gone through as much or more than I have because that just makes me wanna cry that so people can be so terrible to others. It's been a while since I had a good cry, though. What I am gonna say is that it's already so hard to be heard when you just want someone to believe you in what is likely the worst time of your life, and making everyone look like a cry for attention just makes it worse. My mom doesn't believe that my 3rd ex raped me. She says she doesn't even know who that is, and that's my mom. She's supposed to be in MY corner and couldn't care less. My roommate cared when I told him, though. One of three hugs he's ever initiated with me in the 11 years I've known him. I'm so thankful to have him. I'm probably gonna marry him someday, even if it's just for tax purposes... He'll still be my husband and you better believe I'm calling him that. Love that man to death.

When people say, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best," they haven't met me. He has learned more about emotions from me than he has from everyone else in his entire life combined. That's his own words. He's seen me at a variety of different edges, the highest highs, the lowest lows, bursting at the seams and completely devoid of anything. He's literally the reason I didn't off myself on two separate occasions, because I don't wanna leave him alone in this world. While he says he just wants to live away from everyone else, it's followed up with, "Except you. You can be there, too." He's been in more of my dreams than both my parents combined, and we've never stood in opposition to one another in any of them. We're always fighting together. We're just a pair of rocks.

I knew I'd feel better at the end. I fucking love my roommate. I might ask him for a hug when he wakes up.

[nth-times-the-charm]

Hey again, venting feels good, what a fucking surprise, maybe I should put some of the most general stuff into words...

Fuck adhd, god i wish I didn't have this dopamine deficient clunky brain, sure it's fun seeing the world in a different way, and i completely get what people mean by having "adhd superpowers", it does feel nice, it probably would feel much nicer if it didn't mean constantly having to defend myself because of how hard accomplishing basic tasks is, I wish it was easier for people to get how genuinely limiting it can be to have adhd. It also sucks that I know that despite having adhd i should work on my discipline, I can get better at it and I can't use adhd as an excuse for everything i manage to fuck up, but it's like people want me to either defend every single thing I do wrong or take responsibility for every single one of those things, it's not that hard to get that I do fuck up because I lack discipline, but i also fuck up even more often because adhd makes having discipline significantly harder for me than for neurortypical people, i just want people to give me a bit more leeway, I don't want everything served on a silver platter, I just want some solidarity, i just want them to believe me when i tell them it really is hard for me to get out of bed and do shit, oh and depression doesn't really help, and yeah, i know it partly comes from how frustrating living with adhd, of course I'm depressed when everything feels like an uphill battle, and more so when people seem unable to notice.

[moved-2-coyotejone-s]

-

[nephilimeq]

STILES: You gotta see this thing. I've been up all night reading. Websites, books... All this information. SCOTT: How much Adderall have you had today? (Teen Wolf 1x1, "Wolf Moon") / This is one of the first interactions between Stiles – a neurodivergent boy – and Scott – a neurotypical one – in the show. The fact that Stiles ignores and tolerates Scott's toxicity instead of telling him to fuck off proves that he's used to Scott mocking his ADHD, and the unique way Stiles' mind and brain work

As someone who is actually diagnosed ADHD, you have no idea how angry I get when it's treated like a punchline by writers who think it's funny to use humor on something that's actually incredibly difficult to deal with that interferes with daily life.

The writers constantly treated Stiles like someone who was uncoordinated, and his neurodivergence was turned into a joke.

Actually, one of my favorite lines in the entire show actually has to do with this. When Coach talks about Stiles, he says: "So, Stiles: great kid, zero ability to focus, super-smart, never takes advantage of his talents."

Now, why would he struggle to take advantage of his talents?

Being ADHD with a high IQ, I can tell you that this has been a constant struggle my entire life. My brain works at an insane speed, but I can't keep up with it, and so it's always incredibly difficult to buckle down and get things done.

However, in high tense situations, when my adrenaline is pumping, I become incredibly focused and am usually the only calm one. It has actually been researched, and the research shows that people with ADHD are much more reliable in emergency situations than those who are neurotypical. People with ADHD are dopamine deficient, and so when we are in high stress situations, our dopamine levels of rise to what they should be in a neurotypical person, and we become incredibly functional and decisive.

Stiles has spent all of his life with Scott in school and social settings, where he seems constantly distracted and, despite trying hard, working below his potential...

...But when shit hits the fan and the whole werewolf stuff starts?

Suddenly Stiles is the only one with a level head when everything else is going completely crazy--he's the one talking all of the werewolves down from making stupid and bad decisions, he's the one that's keeping everyone in line.

He then proves time and time again throughout the show that he is the only one that can be consistently relied on in an emergency...all because he is neurodivergent.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I saw another comment today about Geralt being required to grovel an apology to Jaskier for his behaviour on the mountain, and promise to "be better" and it got me thinking about how that could go.

Factor in Geralt as the man who thinks nice thoughts for a lover who regularly invades his mind/who he has a complex relationship with; a man who made the decision he makes after Rivia despite just deciding to finally live for himself... just. Geralt, the selfless, dry humoured hero who thinks he's worth absolutely nothing and is regularly treated that way.

What if Geralt did give Jaskier that grovelling apology so many fans think Jaskier is owed?

What if Geralt's sense of self-worth is so low (read: non-existent) that he agrees that it was all his fault? Everything?

And after he returns, cap in hand, and admits all his faults, all his fragilities and deficiencies, he just... gives in to everything Jaskier wants.

He says 'yes' to every demand and makes none of his own beyond Roach not carrying two people because she works hard enough. After all, wasn't he the bad friend?

Want me to escort you to that competition? Sure. Want me to sit and listen to you vent about people I don't even know? Want me to talk at length about a monster kill even though it causes me pain? Okay.

Jaskier wants intimacy, so Geralt gives it without even thinking, because he's quite used to using his body as a bargaining chip in relationships.

Jaskier says that Geralt needs to wear better clothes in the evenings as an off-handed comment, so Geralt goes without some potion ingredients to buy himself a new shirt. He hides the resulting alghoul wound from Jaskier and walks at Roach's side until it heals.

He's desperate to make up for everything he said and did. Because he was such a bad friend and Jaskier is clearly his best friend and knows what's best. Knows him best. That would be the only reason Jaskier talked over him for years.

At what point would it be enough?

I can foresee Geralt treading on eggshells because last time he let his emotions out, everyone he loved walked off. He can't have emotions. He can't feel things. That's what other people are allowed to do, but not Geralt.

Jaskier is allowed to be self-centered, arrogant, emotional, loud, hurt, angry. But Geralt? No. He has to be the stoic, brooding hanger-on. His trauma is only acceptable when it's quiet.

But Jaskier wants Geralt to talk to him.

And he tries desperately to talk, but he has to weigh every word, because he isn't sure it's what Jaskier wants to hear. Whenever he's with Jaskier, he's constantly weighing up the reaction to what he's just said in case it was the wrong thing.

Does he need to apologise again? How much? What magnitude of an apology? He has to stop himself apologising automatically when Jaskier looks displeased, because he knows it needs to be meaningful and he's not sure what he's done. He knows Jaskier will tell him later, so he'll wait, his shoulders tense, his jaw clenched, to be told off.

How would Jaskier deal with that?

My unsympathetic headcanon is that he'd revel in it for a while, and then realise something is amiss. It's deeper than Geralt being sorry

Sure. It's nice to have Geralt's full attention, but not with that spooked/wounded animal tension he carries.

It's nice to have Geralt at his side in all the banquets, but not so much when Geralt has to meditate for a full day to regain some equilibrium (and then apologises for wasting time).

Jaskier realises that his friendship with Geralt has broken. Geralt used to be himself around Jaskier; grumpy, tired, dry. Relaxed enough to take baths and grump and growl (whereas the rest of the world got his tight, emotionless mask).

But now, the Geralt he spent twenty years with is buried; instead, here stands the man that Geralt believes Jaskier wants. A 'yes man' that is wholly convinced he doesn't deserve a single iota of anyone's kindness, patience or understanding, not even his friend's.

The act is exhausting Geralt and it's making him more distant, even when they're in bed together (which he then apologises for again; after all, hasn't he promised to be better? Not being better if Jaskier is remotely unhappy with something).

The damage of a one-sided apology over a conversation is huge, and the thought of it makes me want to wrap Geralt up and protect him from the bard.