#everything is boring im tired of tv and social media and everything else

[backfliips]

I am so fucking bored I seriously can't go a single day with no plans anymore

[dokifluffs]

Pregnant | Osamu, Kenma, Akaashi, Sakusa

Pairings: Osamu X Reader (female), Kenma X Reader (female), Akaashi X Reader (female), and Sakusa X Reader (female)

Genre: fluff!!! Pregnant reader!!

Author’s Note: im having some v domestic vibes and baby fever so might as well share it with you all too! Happy reading~ 

Warning: all post time skip! Pregnancy (duh)

Pregnant | Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Atsumu

Osamu: 

Crickets chirped into the darkness of the clear summer sky, stars twinkling as far as the eye could see as his keys jingled in the door, the cool air conditioning greeting him as he stepped in

The plastic bag of steaming hot onigiris rustled with every step and move he made

You sent him a text asking if he could bring home some onigiris, craving for some especially since you had been home all day while he was at work before he would have to take off on maternal leave when your arriving son would be brought into the world

The kitchen lights were off but the living room lights and tv were still on playing a random house hunting show

He approached your sleeping body, laid on you side with a pillow in between your legs, your arm draped over the side of your belly, the other acting as your pillow  

He set the bag gently on the table and knelt down in the space between the table and the couch right in front of you

“Y/N, honey,” Osamu’s voice was as gentle as a summer evening breeze, the kind that just made anyone feel good as they relaxed on a grassy hill, taking in view of the colorful sky as the sun set in the distance

“I’m home,” he leaned close and pressed a kiss to your forehead

Seeing you after being away all day, it made him wonder what you did at home all day, how bored you must be, how tired you must be

He caressed your cheek, tilting his head to take your sleeping face at a better angle

“Y/N,” his voice was silky and light in a quiet singsong way, almost humming your name while speaking it as he grazed the back of his fingers over your plush, smooth cheek

You reached your hand from your belly to his, a small smile pulling at your lips as you brought in close to your nose and took a deep breath

What he did not expect was you biting into his hand

“Y/N, honey, wake up.,” he laughed as he carefully shook you awake, trying to pull his hand back

It didn’t hurt, more like you were nibbling on him but this was one, if not most, bizarre thing you had done in all of your pregnancy

“‘Samu~ welcome home,” you woke and smiled sleepily, reaching your arms up as he leaned in to meet you halfway

He helped you sit up and opened the bag of onigiris, some new and not even on the menu yet, before you could even ask about them

You sat close, leaning into his side as the two of you ate, the tv on more of a background sound before he turned it off, giving his undivided attention

“This is so good,” you spoke, mouth partially full with one of the new onigiris, your craving being satiated as always provided by your loving husband, Osamu

“Are ya sure?” He asked, a little serious but mostly joking. “It didn’t feel that way when you were chompin’ on me earlier.” He stuck his hand out with the lightest marks made by your teeth moments ago. “Were ya that hungry?” He rubbed your shoulder with his hand, taking another bite of his own onigiri

Your eating came to a cease, laughter coming out as you set your onigiri down in your lap to take Osamu’s hand. “I’m so sorry,” you said totally unbelievable with all the laughter and giggles erupting from you, it could only make Osamu smile himself hearing your laughter

He didn’t even realize how long he had heard it but it felt so good, it felt nostalgic that made him love you even more

“Did it hurt?” You traced your finger over his skin, looking up to him

“Nah, I’m jokin’, eat.” He traded his onirigi to his other hand so he could hand you yours from your lap

It was your craving after all

The two of you ate one after the other, sitting comfortably side by side as if time didn’t exist

It didn’t take long at all before the bag was empty but the two of you stayed put in the living room with both hungers satiated

The room filled with a comfortable silence as as your bodies melted together

Your hand rest over Osamu’s as he rubbed your belly, reality setting in for him, and even you, for the nth time since you announced your pregnancy

This was really happening

You were his wife, you were going to have his child, both your love for each other in a new life

He was going to have you by his side just like this and you were going to have him, just like this

And one day, there will be a tiny pair of feet in between and he couldn’t wait

Kenma: 

Your steps sounded louder and louder as you went down the stairs, feeding the insecurity of your looks now that your belly was swelling bigger as time went on, days and weeks, months passing to your due date to the newest addition of your family with Kenma

A new Kozume brought to the world :)

Time was ticking

The hem of your oversized t-shirt tickled your thighs as you walked waddled toward Kenma in the living room, the wooden floors creaking with every step, it just poked and prodded at your insecurities

You paused right in the middle, the couches a few strides away but you couldn’t move another step

The sight of your body in the tv was the cherry on top- your plumped up body, the clear weight gain, especially your stomach although you were pregnant

But still

You felt so much bigger, you even stayed off of social medias seeing your old pictures and your recent ones families had taken, posting them

The difference was so great, it made your heart race, a chilling panic ghosting through your body, raising goosebumps over your arms

“Y/N?” Kenma’s voice pulled your mind out of the clouded thoughts of your mind. “What’s wrong?” He paused his game, standing to his feet, over to you in his comfortable sweats and kodzuken shirt with a simple white aesthetic that was eye catching but not overbearing

“I’m so much bigger,” you looked to him with glistening eyes, visually upset over your weight gain from pregnancy but it was bound to happen to everyone who got pregnant. “I’m so ugly,” you felt disgusted, your voice cutting off at the end and you wanted to turn away, head back upstairs, and hide under the covers until tomorrow

“I guarantee you that you are not ugly,” he rubbed his finger to the back of your hand on your belly, a little thing he did as he asked “permission” to hold your hand before he took it into his own

“Come with me,” he led you over to the couch he sat at earlier, the gray leather couch

He sat leaning onto the arm rest and some pillows, his legs spread open and patted the open space between

“I won’t fit,” you shook your head, completely sure you were way too wide to fit in between Kenma’s legs

Kenma was very much a stick, pretty thin, not too much taller than you but this just seemed impossible for you, especially since it felt like you were double his weight and width despite it being not true at all

“You will,” he reassured

You hesitated before sitting down, biting back all your thoughts and reasons as to why you should sit somewhere else or you needed to be anywhere else so you didn’t have to feel this way

But Kenma was right

His legs were own both sides of you and he eased your back to his chest

“Wait, Kenma, no-“ you tried to sit up, only to unable to because of your belly

“I’m too heavy.” Heat rushed up to your head, your want, no, need to leave eating you from the inside

“You’re not. Relax with me tonight.” He brought his arms around your body, handing you his personalized switch with animal crossing opened knowing this was one of your favorites

“Just play,” his voice was soothing to your ears, calming your heart

As you ran his character around his island, the more Kenma gave you tips, making light fun of the way you played, your thoughts and fears about your body slowly began to dissipate

With your mind wrapped up in the game, the more you let everything go

He was always able to read others and analyze things well, encased in his shell from a young age of being an introvert

But there was something about you, along with Kuroo and Hinata and others, who were able to coax him out of his shell

You were so wrapped up in the game, you hadn’t even realized Kenma’s hands resting on your belly behind yours holding up the switch, occasionally rubbing it as he let out a gleeful hum with his chin resting on your shoulder, watching you play, pointing out things you may have missed or advice on what you could do to maximize profits

Akaashi: *S/N* = Story Name 

Akaashi’s hand was soft in yours as you excitedly led him up the stairs toward the finally finished nursery

He, along with the help of your father, painted the room a light beige color and when the paint finally dried, brought in all the furniture like the cribs, changing station

All that was left was for you to decorate it as much as you wanted and you absolutely made sure he saw none of it until now

You opened the door revealing a complete nursery, he didn’t know where to look first but most notable was the mobile above the crib- little owls hung and when turned on, they rotated in a circle that made it seem like they were flying

“Push that button,” you stood right beside him, holding his arm, your heart pounding in your chest out of excitement

And that was when he heard it- the lullaby from a music box he had gotten you when he proposed to you a couple years back. And here it was, a tune that you two’s child will be growing up hearing

The sound of the device was so soothing, it made akaashi feel like he was just meeting you last week and getting down on one knee to propose to you yesterday

“It’s our song, Keiji,” you rest your head on his shoulder. “And it’s going to be theirs.” You brought his hand up to your belly as he turned to you, his gaze never leaving you, his eyes trained to your smile as you looked down to your bump and the feel of his touch on you

The way your eyes shimmered when you looked up, the same smile he could never get tired of in his life, it made his heart swell so big in his chest

He leaned his head close and cupped your face, bringing his lips to yours. He had to show his love for you, to thank you for being with him in this life, thanking whoever or whatever brought you to his life

You certainly changed it and he wouldn’t do anything to change that

“What was that for?” You laughed, stealing another small kiss from his lips as he pulled away, his sea green eyes as enchanting as always when he opened them

“The song reminded me how much you truly mean to me, my love.”

It felt like you were in high school/ university all over again- his simple, straight-forward words that were always able to reduce you to a blushing mess

“What should we read them tonight?” Akaashi smiled as he knelt down in front of the little shelf filled with children books, mostly gifts from his and your mother, as you sat back on a small couch adjacent to the crib

“Anything,” you chimed from behind

With that, Akaashi chose S/N and took his seat beside you. You draped your legs over his and rest your head on his arm as he opened the book and began to read the story

It was as clear as you remembered from your own memory, the images and scenes from your own childhood playing so vividly in your mind

Akaash’s voice was so smooth as he read aloud, voicing the character(s) with ease, it naturally made you a bit lethargic yourself hearing this story

Guess bedtime stories still worked even tens of years later

As the story came to an end, as Akaashi read over the happy ending, his story came to a stop as you raised your head, gasping

“What, what is it?” He suddenly set the book to the table beside it as he sat on the edge of couch, turning to you as you stared down to your belly. “Are you hurt?” He began to grow a bit frantic, his panic growing when you didn’t respond

“No, no, no, Keiji, the baby moved,” you looked up to him, your smile slowly spreading on your face, melting away his fears as relief washed over him

“Look feel!” You snatched his hand and placed it on your belly and it was true

The little baby moved inside of your belly, kicking the side of your tummy right into Akaashi’s hands

The doctor suggested to begin doing activities with the baby such as well as movement being something that was going to happen soon

But neither of you thought so soon

You were wide awake at this point as you felt your child move inside, a sensation you’ve never felt before, only seen in videos

“Hi, baby,” you spoke to you belly, a tear escaping from your eye as you looked up to Akaashi, your love for him and the two of you overflowing. “We’re your parents,” your voice quieted down to a mere whisper

The two of you sat astonished watching the little movements that lasted for about a minute, your hands never leaving each other, staying on your belly

This was real, this was your reality, your life with the one you loved so much

And he loved you with every bit of him, he couldn’t imagine what he would do in another life without you

Sakusa: 

It felt like your nausea combined with your cold was going to be the end of you if not the constant kicking from your daughter in your belly at your organs and even your ribs some times

You winced in your seat on the couch, hand over your belly as you took deep breaths through your stuffed nose through pain on top of all the things that was going through your body

Sakusa felt his heart drop beside you, wearing double masks over his face to make extra sure he wouldn’t catch any of your germs from your cold and morning sickness

“Another kick?”

“Mmhm,” you nodded your head, pushing though it. “I feel cold…” you closed your hands around the extended sleeves of the oversize sweater you wore, leaning closer to Sakusa

He tried not to mind this too much but it was like an irritating itch that wouldn’t go away, the fact how you hadn’t showered or anything today yet making it execrable for him

“How about a bath then?” He hesitantly rubbed his hand over your clothed shoulder but got over his lifelong phobia for a second

You were going to be by his side for the rest of his life. He had already seen and touched every bit of your body

You were bearing your guy’s child. This couldn’t go on forever

His touch was so simple, so light, it fed a hunger for him you didn’t realize you had deep inside but at the same time, it took you by surprise

The Sakusa you met years ago wouldn’t even sit or stand, let alone breathe, within two to three feet to anyone and years later, after marriage, and now with the start of a family, he was climbing the obstacle of his fears step by step

He knew, he told you with his own words he was never one to share a loving touch or caring words. He wanted to, god he wanted to so badly to let go of his cares and worries and fears but he couldn’t. It was etched into his skin and body, imprinted for his eyes and mind to constantly see and think about

But he wanted this to change. He wanted to do and say so many things to you to show his love that he deeply felt for you, it moved him and tore him on the inside

“Yes please,” you nodded

Sakusa had you walk in front of him, making sure you didn’t lose your balance going up

He took care of everything, adding soaps to the bath at the perfect heated temperature that would be perfect to soothe you as well as take care of some germs

Steam arose from the bubbly water

The two of you took off your clothes and he was the first to get in, his muscles instantly relaxing with the therapeutic temperature

You followed suit, feeling the subtle creeps of awkwardness

Again to your surprise, Sakusa took hold of your shoulders and carefully leaned you back into his chest with his legs crossed loosely beneath your legs

He brought his arms under the water, his hands looped around your abdomen and found their place on your belly

As soon as his touch was on you, you took in a sharp inhale, jolting in the water that created a little wave among the bubbles floating

“She’s been so active today,” Sakusa commented as he rubbed his hand in a circle on your belly, the other holding your hand as you gripped onto him through the pain

“Mmhm,” you gave a pained hum, eyes shut as you continued to breathe deeply

Sakusa could see the clear pain you were in, all the nausea and emotions that were all pent up in your body, it made guilt prick at his heart as he imagined all the times you probably wanted to reach out to him so he could hold you to help you though this but refrained

He could see your figure so clearly in his mind, reaching out but pulling back

Enough was enough

He pulled his arm from the water with a prominent splash and took off his masks, setting them neatly to the side

“I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain, Y/N.” Sakusa leaned close and pressed a kiss to your cheek, stifling his obsessive phobia internally. “Please never hesitate to reach out to me… I want to be a better husband for you…” He admitted

It felt so good to say this- it felt better than washing his hands or putting on a new mask

“I’ll be better,” he vowed more to himself than you

“Omi, it’s okay but thank you. I won’t.” You rubbed your hand over his forearms under the water, your chills from earlier long gone now  

It was like magic

With Sakusa’a hands rubbing your belly, it was like your daughter sensed this and her kickings finally ceased for the rest of the bath

“She’s not even born yet but she’s already daddy’s girl,” you leaned your head back to his shoulder, smiling tiredly to Sakusa as his lips mirrored yours

“You’re my girl now and forever, though. She’ll just be my little one,” he leaned close and pressed his lips to your forehead

~~~~~ Thanks for reading! Masterlist for more! Please do not repost anywhere else!

Tags (let me know if you wanna be tagged for all my haikyuu posts): @yams046  @mazey-chan  @sunboikyo00  @kara-grayson04​  @fortheloveofbakugo​ @tsumtsumsemi​ @osamuonigiri @1-800-wholesome @yamagucci​ @realityisoftendisapointing@plantisnotplant @k-eijiakaashi​ @pink-panda-pancakes​ @differentballooncollection​ @osamusamusamu@therainroguefanfiction​ @euphorihan@turquoiselace​ @macaronnv  @oxmaddy​​ @mrkoala4prsdnt​​ @curiouslilbeast​ @plantisnotplant@therestless101​ @abcdaichi​ @oyasenpai​ @kaaidalupita​

[fairyoftbz]

insecurities | l. juyeon

🧸 pairing: idol!juyeon x (insecure) fem!reader 🧸 word count: 2.7k 🧸 genre: angst, fluffy end 🧸 tw: mentions of insecurities, doubts 🧸 a/n: sorry i forgot to post, i had a busy day and im exhausted, i hope it's gonna be enough! 🧸 requested: yes! thank you, it is very cliché but i hope this is what you had in mind! 💝

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Juyeon came home tired but happy, excited to see you again after a long day of intense practice and a show where he participated as an MC. You, on the other hand, were not as happy as he was, but you were for sure tired of something.

You couldn’t deny it, dating Juyeon had positive points, he was everything you could ask for in a man, but there were just as many negative points. He was an attractive, sweet gentleman, and it was almost impossible for him not to attract other girls, not even doing it on purpose. And it was one of your many insecurities even if you considered yourself pretty, you couldn’t help but get insecure every time he talked to someone else.

Because let’s be honest, in the Korean music industry, every single woman looks like an absolute goddess. So, when he interacts with someone, and they’re a bit too friendly, your heart pinches in pain as he gives them the smile he keeps for you and you only.

You think that they are more interesting, prettier and funnier than you, which has the ability to send your thoughts to the dark side of self-consciousness, not feeling pretty or enough next to those women. And tonight, it was hard to watch on National TV your boyfriend being extremely friendly with the other MC.

You had tried to comfort yourself that it was just a mask, that he had to look friendly and handsome on TV. However, you couldn’t help feeling disappointment and anger as he gave attentive eyes to the other MC as she explained something, his eyes falling on her lips pressed against the mic.

Juyeon walks through the main door, tossing his keys on the chest of drawers, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before joining you in the living room, happy to see that you were watching the same channel he appeared on. Eyes glued on the screen, your thumb rubbed against your lips, feeling the skin of the cuticles you scratched while watching your boyfriend feeling rough against your lips.

“Hi love,” he said as he sat next to you, pressing his lips on your cheek. You didn’t react, only emitting a slight hum as he sat comfortably.

Juyeon frowned but didn’t raise your bad mood, trying to think what was going on inside your head. Maybe you had a bad day, or you were just tired, despite scratching his head and think, he couldn’t pinpoint what had brought you in such a bad mood.

“Did you have fun?” you bitterly spat, and Juyeon’s eyes widened, surprised by your tone, the wrinkle on his forehead deepening as his brows furrowed at your attitude.

“I did. Are you mad or something?” he bluntly asked, and you sighed, taking the remote to turn the TV off, falling in an unpleasant, uncomfortable silence.

“Oh no, I’m super fine. I really enjoyed my boyfriend giving heart eyes to another girl on national TV, it was such a nice thing to watch,” you bitterly chuckled, and Juyeon’s eyes widened even more, not expecting you to pull out the jealousy card on that.

“Babe, what are you talking about? You know-”

“Please, spare me your fake confusion and lame excuses, I clearly saw what I saw. My eyes never deceive me,” you said while standing up, but Juyeon was quick to imitate you and grab your wrist to prevent you from walking away. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but he only tightened his hand around it.

“Juyeon, let me go,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to prevent the tears from escaping your eyes. Breaking down was the last thing you wanted to do in this situation.

“Not before you explain to me what this fuss is all about,” he said, irritation replacing confusion in his eyes. You let out a mocking scoff, your eyes filled with anger and disdain boring into your boyfriend’s, holding eye contact for a few seconds.

“You really think I’m this dumb? I clearly saw the eyes you gave to the other MC when you were both animating the show. Cracking jokes, giving her smiles that could outshine the sun, your eyes ogling her lips when she was talking or smiling. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch that?” you raised your voice, letting anger take over your body.

“I never did all of that, I don’t know what you are insinuating,” he spat, trying not to show it, but your words hurt him, hating the fact that you could imagine him cheat on you or fancy another girl.

“Go on social media then, you will see what I am ‘insinuating’! Everyone is already talking about how whipped you are and how cute of a couple you would look together. Some fans are even starting to make edits!” you shouted, shoving your phone in your hoodie’s front pocket.

Juyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves a bit, a gesture that had the ability to enrage you even more. Your family used to do that when they found you annoying or wanted to belittle you, and now seeing Juyeon doing the exact same thing as them really made you even more insecure about this whole situation. Your family made you feel like a real burden during your childhood and teen years that it hurt you to think that Juyeon was probably agreeing with that thought right now.

“Y/N, I don’t know what you are talking about. I was just trying to be nice, I can’t be rude or it’s mine and the group’s reputation that I’ll take down with me-”

“No it’s okay, no need to explain yourself, the message was very clear,” you said, and you finally freed yourself from his grip, your heart breaking as Juyeon sighed in annoyance again, seeing him almost roll his eyes.

“It’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t react like that, please,” he started, but you waved your hand in front of you.

“No, no, I got it, you-”

“Y/N, for the love of God, stop being so fucking insecure, it’s getting so fucking annoying at this point! I can’t do anything without you getting fucking doubtful, start having faith in me and in this relationship, dammit!” your eyes widened as Juyeon eventually snapped, his mouth slowly closing as he stared at you, realisation hitting him that his words and tone made a lot of damage once he saw the tears gather in your eyes and roll down your cheeks.

The couch separated the two of you, creating the illusion of a painful wall that made you shiver, feeling like your apartment had lost all of its warmth on the spur of the moment. His words were brutal, and they bounced around your skull, your head turning towards the corridor to swallow the lump forming in your throat, trying not to break down in front of him.

“Y/N, I’m-”

“Leave me alone,” you replied, voice wavering as you walked out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door shut before locking it.

Juyeon sighed and carded his hands through his dark locks, closing his eyes as he thought of the words that had escaped his mouth too quickly. He cursed under his breath as the living room fell into a deafening silence, his hands linked at the back of his neck as he thought of what just happened.

“Why did I say that,” he muttered under his breath and collapsed on the couch, unlocking his phone and scrolling on social media to try and momentarily forget your beautiful face painted with a hurtful expression because of him, but it was to no avail.

He saw what you saw; the fiction, the edits, the collages, he saw and read everything. He already hated seeing you cry and being hurt, but he actually loathed himself for being such an idiot and not comfort you about the whole situation with what was happening on every social platform.

His heart shattered in millions of pieces as he pictured you crying in your shared bed, holding the stuffed animal he got you for your anniversary tight against your chest, letting you drown in your insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He loved you very much, but despite him trying to remind you every single day, your intrusive thoughts always managed to get the upper hand when you found yourself hanging out on your own or with some friends. It was as if your brain shut out everyone who tried to reassure you or make you feel better, letting you drown and struggle in your sorrow.

Yes, the other idols were pretty, but they were nothing compared to you. Juyeon had only eyes for you and cared about you and, of course, his members, but never had he thought about leaving you for someone else. His intentions were just to sound and appear nice and welcoming on TV because he knew that some fans, antis and media wouldn’t hesitate a second to bash him on different platforms and articles for his rudeness and insensitivity towards his idol colleague. And not only would he break his reputation, but also the group’s, and that’s the last thing he wanted.

However, he also understood that it was something hard to watch for you, even if he reminded you every single day that you were the only one that mattered in his eyes.

Sitting on the couch, he started reflecting, putting himself in your shoes for a second. How would he have reacted if he saw you being super friendly and affectionate to another man? Someone more handsome, nicer than him, cracking jokes here and there to see you smile and laugh.

He tossed his phone on the couch space next to him, where he wished you were instead of crying yourself in your shared bed, watching the device bounce, collide with the armrest and fall on the ground. He didn’t even fret checking if the screen cracked, head too high in his thoughts to bother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he pressed his joined hands against his mouth, tongue poking his inner cheek as he realised he had really messed everything up. His knee started bouncing at the disgusting thought of losing you, perfectly knowing that he had to do something before you could slip through his hand like grains of sand.

Juyeon stood up and knocked on the bedroom door, softly calling for your name.

“Y/N?” he asked, and you didn’t respond, faintly hearing you cry on the other side of the wall. “Go away, please,” your strained voice barely making it to his ears, his fingers drumming against the surface of the door in frustration.

From your side of the bed, still holding that teddy bear close to your chest, you let your tears damp the top of its head, feeling the exhaustion of crying kicking in. Juyeon didn’t knock another time, trying not to push your buttons too much to save his chances to talk to you.

You heard a small thud on the lower part of the door, frowning as you wondered what it was. Deep breathings filled in the silence lingering in the corridor, selfishly feeling a bit relieved that you weren’t the only one hurt in this situation. Juyeon was a smart, tolerant man, he knew when to put his pride aside and not blame you for something you said or did. Well, it’s not the case for this time, and it’s probably exhaustion that spoke for him, and that, of course, doesn’t excuse anything, but he wanted to apologise and make up for everything.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me or hear my voice after what I’ve told you, but I really want to apologise for what I’ve said,” you held your breath to hear his faint, low voice on the other side of the door. You sat up and felt dizzy for a quick second, still holding the teddy bear against your chest, your face buried in its head as you let the tears keep rolling on your cheeks.

“I know it’s hard to date me, and I’m really sorry, I wish we had a simpler life, where we could hang out and go on dates like two normal people. It’s also hard for me to not be the type of boyfriend everyone wishes to have, but I’m so damn grateful to call you mine.” Juyeon marked a pause and ruffled his hair, pushing the front pieces away from his hair while thinking of his following words.

“I… you don’t know how much I’m sorry for using your insecurities against you. I shouldn’t have, it was the dumbest move I could ever do, but I just didn’t know what to answer. You are so pretty, so beautiful, amazing, and absolutely wonderful to have around to me, so seeing you this insecure makes me mad every time you compare yourself to someone you think looks prettier, thinner, or more perfect than you. It’s... really frustrating because I try my best to make you feel like a goddess and worth it every day, but those unrealistic society standards and god damn social media make you feel like you are not worth an ounce of love,” he took in a big breath and raised his knees upwards, letting his forearms rest on them.

You slowly opened the door behind him and dropped the teddy bear by his side, letting him know of your presence. He was quick to notice it and turn around to hug your legs tightly, your hands finding their way in his hair and started massaging his skull.

“I’m so sorry, Ju,” you faintly whispered, and he breathed in deeply against your skin as if he finally found you again after being separated from you for years.

He grabbed your cherished stuffed animal and stood up, holding it against your chest with a tender smile. He sat you down on the bed and gave you a proper hug, mouth pressing loving kisses on your forehead and temple as his hand caressed the back of your head, holding you as close to him as possible.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I really am. I love you so, so much, I’m really sorry for all the stupid words I’ve thrown at you,” he said, and you shook your head, squeezing your arms around his middle tightly as an answer.

“I guess I have to accept that you have eyes only for me. But you know, it’s hard to acknowledge it and believe it when you find everyone around you ten times more beautiful than you are,” you mumbled against his chest as you sat on his lap, and he nodded, feeling a lump rising in his throat.

“I know Y/N, I know. I wish I could rid you of those insecurities, my heart breaks each time I see you so unsure of yourself. You're just so beautiful and amazing, it honestly kills me to see you like this,” he whispered, and you bitterly chuckled, gently pulling away to look at him with pearly eyes, his arms around you holding you still tight, making sure that you wouldn’t go too far from him.

“You can’t do that, but maybe you can help me soothe them by keeping loving me the way you’ve done since day one,” you mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes shining with tears just like yours.

You both cupped each other’s face and sadly smiled at the other, Juyeon feeling comforted at the sensation of your thumbs wiping the tears away from his cheeks and vice versa.

“We just need time, love, but I promise I’m going to help you realise how much you mean to me and how beautiful you are. And how much I don’t care about other girls,” he mumbled, and he gently drew your face closer to his, your lips grazing against his mouth. You closed your eyes at the proximity, feeling so much love and passion in his kiss that it was getting hard to breathe.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Juyeon pulled away from your lips and whispered against your mouth, his hot breath mixing with yours.

“I love you too,” you smiled, burying your face in his neck, your boyfriend kissing the crown of your head while hugging you tight.

You giggled as Juyeon applied pressure on your waist, making you fall on your side on the bed. His hand gently cradled your cheek, thumb caressing your cheekbone with a soft smile on his face. You closed your eyes and pressed your forehead against his, feeling him chuckle and gently press his lips against yours.

[ddepressedbookworm]

hi. please fuck off if u r:

any of these

zionist

pro-life

fatphobic

ableist

a person who supports jkr and her work

i’m a minor, anyone who’s weird or anything in the asks or dms will be immediately blocked and reported.

I’ll respect your opinion as long as your opinion doesn’t disrespect anybody’s existence.

hello! welcome to my blog. it is a shithole. i have no idea why you’re here but enjoy!! (i guess?) anyway feel free to pop in my inbox or anything :) i’m usually bored anyway

—

things i will tag as tws.

violence (eg blood, gore)

nsfw content (eg links to explicit fics on ao3)

flash warning

sa mentions (for awareness only!)

suicide mentions (i joke about it a lot. so.)

tell me if you need me to tag anything; i don’t mind

—

about me.

name: shan

pronouns: he/they

is there anything else you need to know?? idk

—

fun (?) facts.

im the eldest child

i can speak 3 languages (english, chinese and indonesian)

i am really really really obsessive just like in general

—

other social media.

ao3

spotify

pinterest

@ratttgay is my dan and phil sideblog!

dm for discord

i do have instagram but it’s bold of you to assume i’ll tell you

—

important tags:

my tag for my shitposts: #shan rambles

my queue: #queue the applause , #queue better miss me while i’m gone and #q (i just got tired tagging all of them)

my tag for my writing, edits, whatever: #shan gets randomly motivated

my tag for that really long bsd reaction post: #shan watches bsd

—

what you may find here.

everything you see here is just a giant unorganized dump.

you will see these things on my blog:

BOOKS:

- all for the game

- riordanverse

- the shadowhunter chronicles

- grishaverse

- heartstopper

TV SHOWS:

- criminal minds

- over the garden wall

- gravity falls

- rick and morty

- hazbin hotel & helluva boss

- brooklyn 99

- young royals

- voltron

- buzzfeed unsolved

ANIMES:

- bungou stray dogs

- jujutsu kaisen

- sk8 the infinity

- yuri!!! on ice

PEOPLE:

- so much (for stardust) fall out boy

- my chemical romance

- dan and phil

- drag race

- ETHEL CAIN

- boygenius + the individual members

- taylor swift

- halsey

- conan gray

- bo burnham

—

you’ve gotten through this entire thing? wonderful. now you know an absurd amount of information about me without even needing to talk to me

right. so i'll see ya soon? okay. bye.

[iyliss]

Sooo @lily-liegh I finally finished writing everything for your gift >w< It ended up much bigger than expected so I have to post it here under a read more. Also I went for a travel in Paris since I know the place at least a bit, and im sorry if it isn’t always well written and has lots of mistakes...

Anyway I hope you enjoy it ♥♥♥

First, how they ended up travelling together... First was Akira, who had to go to Paris for a week for a business trip. But he managed to get paid for another week there, so he could have some nice holyday with Aoi since they never really travelled like this. But well Aoi couldn't stay alone in this city she doesn't know for the week that Akira had to spend on work... So he asked her if she had any friend or classmate who would like to come,and she invited Yusaku and Takeru.

When he heard about this, Kusanagi kindly « offered » to take care of the kids if he could come with his brother. Meanwhile, Ema kind of imposed herself and her brother in the trip because she always wanted to go to Paris (and Akira trusts her on keeping an eye on Aoi).

As for hanoi....Well, very sadly, Baira and Faust had a last minute work preventing them from doing that travel they had prepare... But it would be a shame not to use the plane ticket and hotel room ! Ryoken,what about you go with Specter ! (actually they never planned on going to Paris, they just wanted to give Ryoken some actual holydays and knew he would have never accepted directly). And it turns out they are in the same hotel as everyone else, and they kind of decided to spend the week together.

Now for the planning. Takeru absolutely wanted to go to Disney Land, Revolver wanted to go to the  Museum d'histoire naturel (natural history museum??) to find stuff to give to the other knights. Specter totally agreed with him, especially since he learned that the botanic garden was nearby.

Kusanagi basically wants to see the classic places (louvre, eiffel tower...) and take a lot of photos. Aoi secretly wants to go to Disney too, and she knows her brother will bring her to all the museums she likes anyway. Ema absolutely want to explore the catacombs and go shopping. Kengo just want to go back as soon as possible.

They somehow managed to organize everything in a single week, by allowing a day for each person who will chose where the group would go. It ended up like this :

    Sunday : the plane actually don't arrive too late but Akira spoke words of wisdom : « don't plan anything. You'll just be laying on bed all day because of jetlag. »

    Monday : a whole day for disney world. It was the most sunny day, and monday is always better than week end or wednesday.

    Tuesday : Morning for the louvre (it's a bit cloudy), afternoon for the eiffel tower (some more sun)

    Wednesday : late at night is when the catacombs tour take place, so they just kept the rest of the day empty to do what they wanted on their own

    Thursday : Shopping time ! And visiting the old paris, buying lots of souvenirs.

    Friday : Museum d'histoire naturel+botanic garden. Takeru didn't understand how it could take up a whole day.

    Saturday : Packing up, the plane is in the afternoon.

And... How each day actually went :

The beginning of the travel was pretty nice.Takeru managed to get the window seat, Yusaku in the middle and aoi on the aisle side (she asked her brother to travel with her friends). On the other side are specter and ryoken. At first Specter wanted to be by the window but he quickly felt bad so they switched. Behind was jin (window), kusanagi (middle), ema and on the other side kengo.

The first few hours were a lot of fun, they had started to play some card games, Kusanagi had food for everyone, and they took beautiful picture. The first one to fall asleep was actually Yusaku. Surprisingly, he felt very good in the plane and managed to sleep more during the travel than in the last two weeks.

Ema decided to sleep to keep a healthy schedule. She didn't, and watched stupid comedy with kusanagi for hours while criticizing everything. Takeru fell asleep while watching movies, and Aoi had to crawl all the way over Yusaku to take off his headphones which he was starting to entangle beyond recuperation.

Specter watched a 10 hours long documentary about the Amazon forest. Ryoken red a book, then slept, then tried reading again but couldn't, then started a movie he didn't finish, then slept again a bit, woke up on some turbulations, red again, and all this the whole time. Kengo said he was reading, but really he was playing with the game there was on the screen in front of the seat.

Aoi just spent most of the time half asleep, looking at everyone and listening to music when everyone was sleeping. When they arrived, she ended up the most capable with Yusaku to guide everyone to their hotel room. Though they almost forgot Takeru, who had fallen asleep on one of the subway station seat and didn't follow the group when it came.

But the magic of Disney land blessed him during the night, and he actually woke up first singing (badly) all the worst songs. Aoi, Kusanagi, Ema and Kengo yelled at him to shut up because they already started to have the songs in their head. Everyone prepared, and they arrived at the park quite early. They were expecting to see some people, but not that much crowd.... and now here comes my lack of knowledge of how this thing is like (i never went to disney land ever). So I have absolutely no idea what is really there. So sorry it'll be a bit lacking…

But anyway, they came back to the hotel incredibly tired. Thanks god they had eaten so much junk food, they didn't even need to think about a dinner.

The next day was harder for everyone. The sky was grey, and they were more than afraid to get lost once more in a dense crowd. But they still got to the museum around midday and ended up splitting up. Ema, Kusanagi with Jin, Takeru and Aoi went to see the Joconde and all the important stuff. Specter, Ryoken, Kengo and Yusaku went to visit the other less crowded flours. The first group got their great dose of selfies to expose on social media, and even ended up « retranslating » the guides speaking language they didn't know but with stupid explanations.  The second group found a nice little exposition about how middle-east prehistoric civilization were worshipping nature that satisfied everyone. They ate at the museum's restaurant and went to the eiffel tower.

And it's at this point they realized the hell that was Paris' subway. They came back to where they were countless time, had to ask many people, and spent way too much time arguing about where to go... and about how to pronounce all the exotic words

(kusanagi swore to god that « bastille » was pronounced like baseball). But they still found their way, and the eiffel tower. « It's small » said Aoi. « it's huge ! » said Takeru. « And this is where Humanity's hopeless vanity started. » said Kengo. « Look there's a colleague ! » said Kusanagi as he was reaching for the closest Hot dog van, not even minding that they ate copiously 2 hours ago.

They climbed up the tower. It turns out Specter had indeed dizziness (or vertigo ? Like when you're ill on height ? ), so he stayed on the ground with Jin who was too tired and Kusanagi who was talking business.

As they were walking on the countless stairs, Ryoken couldn't help but talk about how this was nothing compared to his own tower. Eventually they reached the top and gladly enjoyed the wonderful view. Aoi and Ema started reading some flyers they managed to find in japanese about how the tower was built, and Ryoken and Kengo got in a deep talk about how high you should climb on such a tower to start having trouble breathing. Takeru found one of those thing used to see the city closer (where you have to put a coin), that looks a lot like a big canon, and said played with it like a big big laser gun.

When everyone gathered, it was already quite late and the restaurants were all full. They got back to their hotel, found a pizza hut on the way, and watch with much incomprehension french tv shows in the same room.

The next day everyone woke up at their own pace. Aoi, yusaku and ryoken woke up quite early and decided to go buy croissants for everyone and enjoyed the grey morning together. After spending two days in loud crowds, the silent streets felt magic. When they came back to the hotel, specter had woken up and was a bit scared not to find Ryoken in the room.

After breakfast, ryoken, specter and Yusaku went around to find big book store with very specific books of their interests. They found a little shop with  old books, where Specter discovered an encyclopedia of plants from 1500~, with watercolor illustrations. Then they ate a sandwich, and went down a street with a bunch of retro video game shops and old informatic stuff. They regretted quite a bit not being able to bring back the most fragile and big pieces.

Meanwhile Aoi waited for Ema to wake up, while looking for various stores (mostly CDs). They left at the beginning of the afternoon with takeru and kusanagi. (Jin was too tired, kengo was too grumpy) they got lost quite a lot, but managed to find their way and enjoyed a nice time of trying to tell the seller what french singers aoi was looking for with the most terrible pronunciation.

They gathered where the catacombs tour started. Since there wasn't any in Japanese, they went for the English one (ryoken, kengo and Ema could both understand it well enough to explain to the others. Kusanagi thought he could too but it turned out that beside informatic words, he didn't understand English that well). Though after some time they ended up just trying to scare each other (mostly everyone trying to scare takeru). They also lost kengo and ryoken at some point. Ema thought it'd be funny to say they had been taken away by some zombies or demon. She almost got killed by specter. They eventually found them discussing French revolution at the entrance (they were bored and left).

Thursday: once again, they ended up in way too much crowd. Specter spent the whole time whining about all the people, except that moment they stopped to eat chocolate crêpes. Takeru had a little list of things he had to bring back for him and kiku. He barely bought half of it, and he spent most of his money on completely unrelated stuff(like those little metal eiffel tower). He still managed to find the hoodie he was looking for.

Kusanagi cried when he saw all the aprons there were in the souvenirs shops. He ended up taking picture of each of them and make a complicated organization to chose the ones he'll buy, two of each since yusaku needed one.

Ema bought more magnets than she had place on her fridge. She spent around an hour deciding if she should take one of those pin up lady ones. “They are so pretty! but that's still objectification of women. but they are really cute aaaah…”

Ryoken found a quite good old revolver replica and considered buying. Or more like Specter and Yusaku almost bought it for him before he allowed to gift himself with it.

Aoi tried not to buy much stuff since her brother always tell her about how all this is useless and just for tourist. She still fell for one of those little music box in cardboard boxes.

And of course they got lost countless time. And every time there was someone to say “wait let me check on my phone” to realize they had no connexion here…

When night fell, they found a nice little restaurant with traditional french dishes. Never did they eat that much cheese in their whole life.

Friday: specter was incredibly excited to see the garden, but it wasn't open in the morning so they first went to the museum. They spent hours at the place with dinosaurs bones and various animals exposed, until Specter realized it was 1 PM and he might not have time for the garden if he stayed with the others. So he went there with Aoi and Yusaku, who also wanted to see pretty flowers rather than dead animals.

There was strangely not that many people in the garden, and they greatly appreciated this calm moments after days of noisy crowds. Aoi took picture of all the colorful flowers, Yusaku red the little articles about the poisonous plants and did the little quizz with much concentration, and Specter skipped all the smaller plants and went to look at all the trees. He was very sad to hear he wasn’t allowed to touch all of them, but still took a lot of pictures and enjoyed it a lot. When he came back with a bunch of books from the nearby stores, Aoi pointed out it was all i english and he won’t be able to read them. “Don’t worry I can understand english well.” “But… you didn’t help us when we got lost?” “Revolver didn’t ask me to do so.”

The others kept enjoying the museum. Ryoken got the glorious idea to first go to the store and took his time to take stuff for each of the other knights, as there was a lot of choice. Takeru and Ema stayed at the animal section, amazed by all the wonderful creatures that lived on this earth (and takeru actually cried in the lost animals part, where it’s only species in danger or extinct). They also managed to scare Kengo with the dinosaurs reconstitution (Ema still has the recorded moment).

Kusanagi went with his brother to the geology section, and spent the whole time going for each pretty stones display wondering which one was the coolest. Also none of the three that went to the plants questioned why Takeru and Kusanagi had dino hats for the whole evening.

Saturday: Yusaku and Kusanagi woke up first. Yusaku didn’t have much stuff to put back in the bags, but Kusanagi had bought quite a lot and had to organize his luggage carefully to put everything in.  Ema thought about keeping enough space for her purchases, and managed to pack up quite quickly (tho she had to redo it completely once because she had lost her phone, which was inside the biggest bag). Revolver and Specter ended up with too many books, but by taking them with them for the travel they still managed to pack everything quite easily.

The real panic ended up for Takeru. He had bought way too many things for the space he had, so he had to organize everything like a tetris game. Despise that, he still asked yusaku and Aoi to take some of his stuff in their bags (Aoi would come back the next week so she didn’t had to pack, but she knew she wouldn’t buy much with her brother anyway).

They still came to the airport in time, could buy some food for the flight. They sat in the plain ready to enjoy the travel over the cloud once more… But every single one of them slept the whole time.

[kpopidolsarehumanstoo]

“Going Out” Xu Minghao (the8): Drabble

Pairing: Xu Minghao (seventeen) x male reader

Genre: Fluff with no plot lol

Relationship with reader: Theyve been dating for about a year now.

Quick Summary: Seventeen was given a much needed week off, Minghao decided to celebrate it with (m/n).

Warning: Cursing, It gets quite steamy at the end.

A/N: Please dont go too hard on me this is my first time posting a creation of mine here in tumblr dkhjgilhsrlgsdlvbns. Anyways thankyou to the people who supported me to post something Yall makin me UWU. Im actually shocked I got support heheh. So here is sum mediocre shit for yall lol. I hope that yall somehow like it.

Words: 1174

Today was your lazy day. Being the absolute lazy slob that you are your room was littered with trash, mostly potato chips, and some stray popcorn from your movie night with friends last night. Your friends left long ago and here you are laying on your bed waiting for some seventeen updates from every possible social media platform.

For some reason Minghao hasn’t messaged or called you. Which was weird considering that hes the type of person to update you on everything, (everything including stolen photos of the members, you were sworn to secrecy). Your mind started pointing out all the possibilities, maybe hes drunk, maybe he was so tired he fell asleep early, maybe him and Mingyu did something stupid that led to Woozi killing them. A lot of possibilities, hopefully not the last one.

You felt defeated, tired of waiting. You stood up, about to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden your phone rang. You saw the caller ID and immediately swooped down and answered.

“Are you still alive?” You calmly said to the phone.

“Good morning to you too Baobei.” He answered.

“So what happened last night?” You asked.

You went downstairs to prepare yourself breakfast, You tried to find something but soon enough you just decided for an apple since you didn’t feel like cooking.

“The manager decided to give us the week off!” It was evident on his voice that he was really excited. He has missed you quite a lot and he just wanted to shower you with love.

“That’s amazing! Will you be coming here?” You were ecstatic.

“You see.. about that.” Your face was immediately replaced by a scowl.

“Don’t bail on me bitch.”

An exaggerated gasp was heard from the other side. “I would never. How dare you think so lowly of me.” The bitch started fake crying and you just had to roll your eyes. You sat down to your couch and turned on the TV.

“Spill.”

“I was kinda maybe thinking we should I don’t know go out on a date or something.” He said acting all cute.

“Sure.”

“Sure? What do you mean sure?! I was so scared to ask you out on a date and you just answer with sure?? m/n Istg I’m gonna choke you when we see each other again.”

“Dude.” You sighed.”Weve been dating for almost a year. Weve had sex, yet youre still afraid of taking me out on a date? How does that make sense?”

“Fuck you m/n.”

“Sorry, I don’t feel like being a bottom right now.” You smirked.

“Bitch.” he breathed out.

“Back at you.”

There was a quietness that enveloped the both of you. The both of you having a sense of calmness listening to each others breaths was enough to make the both of you happy. 

With Minghao being an idol, the both of you rarely see eachother, so the lack of physical contact was compensated with listening to each other.

Many people found it weird that the couple would simply listen to each other breathe without a word spoken. Seungkwans mind could simply not comprehend why the couple did that. I mean you couldn’t really blame him, I mean Seungkwan never keeps his mouth shut while talking to Vernon.

The both of you liked it this way. Because sometimes, Silence speaks louder than words.

“So where are we going?” You said breaking the peaceful silence that the both of you established.

“Well I booked us a private area at that fancy restaurant by the bay.”

“Nice Ive always wanted to go there. Apparently their lobsters are amazing.”

“I booked us at 9pm so we have to go there at around 8:30.“

You turned around to look at the clock.

“Its like 9am right now. We still have a lot of time, you should come here. I miss you.”

“Ill be there at around 10 ok?”

“Sure”

And with that you ended the call. 10 am is still quite a long way to go so you started to busy yourself with cooking the both of you Brunch.

Just as you finished preparing your meal the door bell rang and you opened it only to be jumped on by Minghao. The both of you stumbled on the floor but he didn’t care and sat on your lap.

“I missed you so much baobei!!!” He said while peppering you with kisses all around your face. 

“Missed you too dude.” The kisses immediately stopped and he got off you.

“Seriously? I call you baobei and yet you call me dude?” He said while putting on a pouty face.

“Aww what a cutie my baby is.” You cooed trying to pinch his cheeks but he evaded and sat on your couch and continued pouting like a child.

You see that he just wants your attention so you went to the pouty Minghao, hugged him, and started to cuddle with him on the couch with him being the small spoon and you the big spoon. You missed his warmth, it was moments like this that made you all fluffy and you just want to protect this smol bean. You took a whiff of his cologne, the smell that had you fall for him.

“I’m not gonna talk to you until you give me a pet name other than dude.” He said through his pout.

You pulled him closer.

“What do you want me to call you?” You said while comfortably listening to his breathing.

Suddenly Minghao turned around to face you. The both of your breaths intermingled and you were starting to blush. His eyes bore deep into you, those eyes that you could stare at forever. His face always mesmerized you, he looked so aggressive and mean but in reality he was the sweetest thing you could ever meet. Your heart starts to beat faster as you thank the heavens above for giving you such a beautiful person.

“I want you to call me baobei.” He said in a whisper.

He leaned in and took your lips unto his. The kiss was sensual and slow, the both of you trying to savour each second. Your pace started to quicken as you change your position on top of him. He started to give himself to you and you start to assert dominance as you continue to travel lower to his collarbone. You stopped and looked at him.

He was utterly beautiful. With Minghao breathless and desperate you were just in awe at how amazing he looked. You kissed his lips once more.

“I don’t think Ill be able to call you baobei. Too much mouth work.” You  spoke as you sucked his collar bone and he releases a small moan in return.

“True.” He said breathless. “You should put that mouth somewhere else.” He said with a sly grin. You smirked in return and slowly unbuttoned his shirt.

“Lets continue this in my room.” You said suggestively.

“Gladly.” The both of you went upstairs and proved to each other how much you missed one another.

A/n: That’s it guys its finally done. My first drabble. Please tell me what you think about its my first time UwU. It was supposed to be fluff but it ended up quite steamy lol. But I honestly aint mad. Like it turned out quite good. Please support me \ ^o^ /.

Baobei means baby in chinese UwU.

[brett-keane-watch]

“Brett Keane Dead” Transcript (of Latest Brett Keane Video)

Hello ladies and gentlemen my name is Brett Keane from god-TV-radio-dot-com.

mheeef (breathing)

ummm... I'm going to be... getting off the internet, and I am in'erested in doing X-box one ecksss. Yesss...

mheeef (breathing)

That's coming out in November sev-seventh two-thousand seventeen. Yes, yes; four ninety-nine. (Italicized text indicates some retarded impersonation).

Heaahk (breathing)

If anyone would like to help me get the ecks-box, you can do some donations, do some support-short gasp- and send money veai (VIA) my paypal and that'l help me get my machine in November. Short gasp I'm gonna be giving my old computer over to my wife, so I won't be making videos anymore, I won't be working orn my website any further- that'l be that.

mhfff (breathing)

I had planed aurn (on) leaving youtube just a little while back, gasp, I didn't have nothing to do. Short breath , I was bored- whenever I'm not going out places with my family or watching movies or reading a book...

mhfff (breathing)

...umm, besides video games... I had nothing that I could do that was fun or exciting-quick breath, my brother- he's constantly doing his thing, so I wasn't able to do music with 'im.

mheefff (breathing)

So I got bored and from time to time every once in a blue moon I'd upload a video and put it up, short breath, and that was that.

mfheeef (breathing)

Once I get my ecks box one, I have some games in mind that I am looking forward to playin' short breath, and, uh, that will be that.

mhff (breathing)

Some people might wanna know why is it that I wanna leave youtube. Well, it is pretty obvious but, for those who might be new, who see this last video short breath, this will be the last video uploaded.

mheefff (quiet breathing)

Youtube is, quick exhale, for me is not a social place anymore. I originally came so I could make friends, talk to people, bla bla blah. Quick breath- but I've had to turn my comment section off becuz popular youtubers have decided to...

mheefff (breathing)

...uuh, make me their pincushion, their punching bag. Umm, as well as other people- 'course I'm no special snowflake.

mheefff (breathing)

...but becuz of dis, people who supported me, people who are my friends, decided that they don't wanna leave comments anymore- because if they did, then they got insulted or attacked.

mheefff (breathing)

So I just ended up turning off comments for the longest time, and since then I had not been able to have good conversations with people or talk, chat, which is what I like to do.

mheefff (breathing)

People trolled me non-stop in my live rooms...exhale...uhhh, either by yelling or screaming at me or putting up live porn.

mheefff (breathing)

And that was that...

mheefff (breathing)

...I guess we can talk a little bit about some of the issues orn why it is that Brett Keane has had such a hard time orn, ahhh, youtube.

mheefff (breathing)

To throw it out there...

mheefff (breathing)

...when I originally started orn youtube one of the things that I did that annoyed the piss out of people is asking for donations...

mheefff (breathing)

...asking for people to subscribe to my channel... I had people who would make over twenty videos within a month...

mheefff (breathing)

...about me sayin dat people like me shouldn't be asking for support. People like me shouldn't be for money, people like me

shouldn't be lip smack alongside breath, aoooh... asking for people to like up a video or subscribe and bla bla blah.

mheefff (breathing)

Now it's ten years later and everybody orn the fuckin' planet is doing the exactly the same thing that I did that everybody got to hate me for.

exhale mheefff (breathing)

Some people actually listened and took my advice and now they're making a living orn the internet and making a living off their videos...

mheefff (breathing)

...some of them, exhale, people who've made themselves to be my enemy...

mheefff (breathing)

...I had no choice in the matter...

mheefff (breathing)

...but that's pretty much the big reason, that's the big reason why a lot of people started orn me...

... mheefff (breathing)

...also they enjoy making fun of my voice and my accent and such. At one point in time they used to think I had a radio voice- but not anymore!

mhhff (breathing), placing something on table

Now we just make fun of every fuckin' word I say and big deal out of it and fab-rikate and eksajerate everything I say.

matress sounds,mheefff (breathing)

So that's it. That'sss going to be the end of it...

MHEFFF (loud breathing)

umm..., I guess I'll talk about some things that...

mheefff (breathing)

uhhh..., annoy me. That I've been wanting to get off my chest. Really nothing to do with youtube or internet social media anymore...

mheefff (breathing)

...I've gotten tired of Sony... quick exhale...ummm, as you guys know I was runnin' an old PS4 back in here that I'mma be givin' to mah boi...

mheefff (breathing)

...ummm, I originally got Sony exhale...because they announced that Fallout and games like Skyrim were going to have mods...

mheefff (breathing)

...but then Sony, basically took a shit orn that.

mheefff (breathing)

And now only Pee-C and ecks box gets the decent mods. So that angered me. Sony has refused to refund money for games that they sold me that are fuckin' broke...

... mheefff (breathing)

...and uh, quick exhale, also Sony seems to be very greedy.

mheefff (breathing)

They have PS4 and almost ummidietly after started selling slim and den a PS4 pro...

mheefff (breathing)

...and uh ecks box is gonna end up blowin' dem up out of da fuckin' water. Ecks box seems like it's progressing more towards...

mheefff (breathing)

...things that we want.

mheefff (breathing)

I'm not gonna be playing elder scrolls online anymore.

mhff (breathing)

I feel like the company, Bethesda, had plenty of time to...

mheefff (breathing)

...add more in'eresting features for the game. I thought that they were going to attempt to do like Skyrim and Fallout...

mheefff (breathing)

... where it feels like an actual world but they haven't...

mheefff (breathing)

...it's almost been five years now and they still haven't even gotten around to adding children into the game.

mheefff (breathing)

If you play Fallout...

mheefff (breathing)

...you'll realize right away that you've got children that are settlers, you got children that run around in diamond city...

mheefff (breathing)

...and Skyrim, you got kids who are asking you for help running around in the cities. Whiterun and all that shit.

mheefff (breathing)

Elder scrolls does not have this. Exhale ummm....

...(fan in background) mheefff (breathing)

...the game doesn't have too many random events...

mheefff (breathing)

...and the...game seems like it has ten enemies in the entire vast world that you're runnin' around in.

mheefff (breathing)

ummm...exhale I don't know, it's just- it seems dead. Uhhh, the environments are nice but the...

mheefff (breathing)

...characters...ehh...just...it-it lost it's steam, no fun to it anymore.

mheefff (breathing)

SniffSo yeah, exhale yep, I got some ideas and I've got my eye out orn some games- so if anybody wants to support me...

mheefff (breathing)

...I would like to get a-the ecks box for mah birtday comming up as well as christmas... and that will be all that I want.

mheefff (breathing)

I don't really want anything else...

exhale

...Sniff, my brother he may still every once in a while upload some music videos to his channel. Make sure you check him out, subscribe to 'im.

mheefff (breathing)

Whenever, some people are gonna be like Brett- but aren't you a christian? Aren't you supposed to be sowing seeds and talking about god and all that? I think that I've got enough material about god orn my twitter, my facebook. I...uhhh...my youtube channel...

mheefff (breathing)

...ummm...as well as website for all you guys to look at. I'm gonna leave all my god videos up...

mheefff (breathing)

...I've said everything I'm gonna possibly say about god and religion and all this. Inaudible, right now this is more of...

mheefff (breathing)

...umm... if you ever wanna change or get saved or find god and everything this is something you're gonna have to do orn your own. You can't be talked into god.

lip smack, mheefff (breathing)

You have to be in'erested in truth...

mheefff (breathing)

...and I feel like I've said and done everything I possibly can quick breath- and to be honest with you, that's one of the reasons why I'm leaving youtube because...I'm tired of talking to other christians and trying to be friendly with them...

mheefff (breathing)

...make friends with people of other religion...

mheefff (breathing)

...and then find out that because their views are so diffrent from my own about god that they refuse to hang out or talk or socialize. They don't want to be around anybody...

mheefff (breathing)

...who is religious or spiritual but has a different walk than them- and of course there's atheists. I can't get along with any of these fuckin' people... becausee they don't want to be around people who don't think like them or agree with them on things. If you don't then you're stupid in their eyes...

tumbling around in bed

...and when it comes to other people's religion...

sniff...mheefff (breathing)

...but the, the two out there that I find myself getting along with the most are, belive it or not, satanists and pagans- but I don't plan orn becoming a satanist or pagan...

mheefff (breathing)

...I'm just sayin' when it comes to respectful quick exhale demeanor or behavior these folks...tend to give me the respect that is deserved.

...sniff...mheefff (breathing)

...And that's that. Umm,breathing some people be like "what if drunken peasants wants you to get orn the show"?...

mheefff (breathing)

...Well even if they offered me ten billion dollars I'm not gonna have a computer anymore- I'm going to give my microphone, my computer microphone, over to my brother...

mheefff (breathing)

...and my Pee-C is going to go over to my wife. She's gonna, have...

mheefff (breathing) ...fun and do whatever the hell she wants to do with it.

mheefff (breathing)

She'll most likely have no intrest in uploading videos or doing anything like that. See, you will not be hearing from the Keane family- Justin is the only one...

mheefff (breathing)

...and that's if he even feels like botherin' with it.

mheefff (breathing)

He's got a... baby daughter now...

mheefff (breathing)

...so...

mheefff (breathing)

...he's got his hands full and between takin' care of his child and hanging out with his woman and working...

mheefff (breathing)

...he's uh... you know, he's a vey busy man exhale; and that's that.

... mheefff (breathing)

All right, well anybody that wants to help support... or uh, help get the machine...

mheefff (breathing)

...some of you've been very fucking nasty to me. Other's you've emailed me and you've apologized for your behavior and all that...

mheefff (breathing)

...well that's nice and wonderful, but many of you out there have fucked up my interests in youtube.

mhff (breathing)

But it's not just the people, it's not just the constant trolling or the annoyances- it's also youtube has demonitized every one of my fuckin' videos and they say that they will not review any of my videos unless I hit a thousand views.

mheefff (breathing)

A lot of people have left youtube, both nonbeliver and religious because of that.

mheefff (breathing)

They've made it almost impossible to advertize yourself of promote your work in any kind of way. It's, uh, only the people out there that are fuckin' rich who got the money to sit around and pay for advertisment and all that shit or the ones that are stickin' around...

mheh (breathing)

...who actually think they can still make a job or buisness of it. As for me, there is no social outcome.

mheefff (breathing)

There's, there's nothing. I'm outta here, I've got plenty of cool shit to do in my real life...

mheefff (breathing)

...I hope that you all find god... and I hope that you all have a happy life, gaud bless.

[uberff]

Chapter 3

                                                        Jaylen

“Yo, you always smoking.” Odell complained as he coughed from all the smoke that was going around. Nobody told his bored ass to come over here. He need to be some where chilling wit his sister or somebody. Somebody find this nigga a friend.

“And you always in my face, but you don’t see me complaining bitch.” I shrugged as I blew smoke out my nose. I hated when people complained about my smoking habits. It ain’t like I’m out here smoking cigarettes. When he text me, I specifically told him that I was smoking and when I’m smoking, I like to be left alone.

“Some people live for the powerrrr yeaaaaa..” I sang lowly as I closed my eyes. I wasn’t in my feelings or nun of that shit. I was just more of an R&B type of dude. I mean I fucks wit rap heavy, but sometimes I just wanna relax and vibe.

“Nigga I came over to talk about my problems and you singing and shit. Wuttice this? A Tyler Perry play?” He sucked his teeth. Him and Winter we’re going through it like always, and he wanted advice. I would’ve been left her difficult ass if you ask me.

“Boy you better drop her ass and keep it pushing.” I told him as he straight faced me. I guess he ain’t like that idea.

“What you want from me, Bruh? I asked you if you wanted to hit this and you said no.” I waved him off. Don’t get me wrong, I’d help my nigga in a heartbeat but right now I was vibing and I wasn’t about to let NOBODY kill my fucking mood after this bitch just pissed me off.

I was fucking wit this one chick, and I ain’t even gone lie I told her we were together just so I could hit. She finally got the memo that I was lying and gone try and cut me off. Like damn, it wasn’t even that serious Judge Judy ass bitch. Then she got the nerve to get a new nigga. Unbelievable.

“I’m out, you pissing me off.” He chucked up the deuces as I laughed. It was funny when he got mad cause this nigga be ready to kill somebody once you push his buttons.

Staring around at my now spotless condo, I thought of all the things I could do. I wasn’t into all that social media and TV shit so most of the time I just sit here when I’m not painting. Well except Twitter, that shit be lit.

“Where’s Odell?” Winter barged through my door, looking like Cleo from set it off. I don’t know why the fuck her voice was so damn deep. I thought she was one of my niggas.

“Chill Remy Ma, barging in here like you pay my bills. Fuck wrong witchu’?” I asked as I got up and stood in front of her. She looked like she wanted to slap the shit outta me for saying that. I wanted to laugh so bad, but truth be told I was lowkey scared of her ass. Hell, everyone was scared of her except Odell cause he knew how to handle her ass.

“I didn’t come to joke around with you, where is he?” She asked as she started moving everything around. That’s where she fucked up. I just cleaned up.

“Oh no baby, what is you doing? Wrecking my shit like you the Incredible Hulk or some shit. Dumbass, he’s at his fucking crib.”

“Fight me Jaylen.” She said as I looked at her like she was crazy. I guess she was tired of my shenanigans. I don’t give a fuck.

“You wild. Go eat a snickers.” I chuckled at her as I pet the top of her head. She scrunched up her face, and before she could say anything I politely walked her to the door before slamming it in her face. “Damn nigga can’t get no privacy anymore.” I shook my head as I locked the door.

I hated locked doors, but I ain’t finna deal with they crazy asses. As I walked into the kitchen, I started to think about the bomb ass meal that my nigga Rob made for me a few days ago. Shit, I wish her little ass was the mea-

The sound of my phone ringing cut off my unholy thoughts. “What?” I answered with attitude without checking the caller I.d. It was a FaceTime call.

“Jaylen!” I heard my little sister Jayla voice. My whole mood completely changed. Jayla was my fucking heart, my everything.

“Hey pretty girl! I haven’t seen your little pretty face in a minute, what you been up to?” I smiled in the camera as she blushed causing me to laugh. She was adorable.

My dad’s girlfriend had Jayla a few years ago and she was the cutest little ball of energy. My dad’s girl on the other hand? Nah man, that bitch was ghetto. I don’t understand why he even got with her. It’s hard to believe she birthed something so precious.

“Learning my ABC’s!” She smiled showing one of her missing teeth. She had just started school this year and it sucked that I couldn’t be there, but summer was coming up so hopefully she can spend it here with me. That would be dope.

“That’s good! Let me hear you sing them.” I told her as she cleared her throat and started singing her ABC’s. Jayla actually had a voice. Reminded me of my momma. Everyone knew Momma J could sang her ass off. My dad had a few skills, but no one could top ma dukes.

“Aye! That’s my girl! You being a good girl for your dad?” I asked as she nodded innocently. She may have looked innocent, but she was a handful.

“Nigga I’m yo daddy, too.” I heard my dad’s voice in the background causing me to chuckle. My dad was really a trip. Funniest man alive, I swear.

“Sup pops?” I laughed as he picked Jayla up and both of their faces were in the camera. They were twins.

“Nah don’t try to claim me now. This fool tripping Jayla.” He joked as I laughed. “Go help ya mom real quick.” He told her as she ran away smiling.

“How you been, son?” He asked, realizing we haven’t talked in a while. Don’t get me wrong, we were mad close but niggas been busy. Plus, I know he been busy with working and Jayla.

“Good, gettin’ to this money.” I cheesed as I pulled a stack out my pocket and flashed it to him. He chuckled and shook his head. My dad was a wealthy man also, but it felt good to know that I ain’t have to depend off of him.

“What about you though?” I asked, getting serious.

“Same shit man. Jayla’s a fucking handful. It’s like lil mama don’t ever get tired. Reminds me of you.”

“Me? How?” I don’t remember acting like Jayla at all. I was a sweet lil innocent kid. I ain’t hurt a fly.

“Boy you know you used to climb walls and shit like you was Spider-Man.” He joked a he let out his ugly ass Windex bottle laugh. Nigga stayed laughing at his own corny ass jokes.

“Akikiki, you ain’t funny old man.” I mugged him while he continued to laugh. Somebody come get they pops.

“Damn, I miss you son. We gotta come out there and visit soon.” He said as his laughter died down.

“You know you can come whenever, just make sure you take yo baby mama back to the hood before you come.” I assured him as he chuckled, putting his fist up to his mouth. He thought it was funny every time I talked about her cause he knew it was true.

“Besides all that shit, she cool. I mean yea, she a lil loud but-”

“JAYCEON! IM TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER YO ASS!” I heard her loud voice yell in the background as he jumped making me snicker. “I rest my case.” He flicked me off.

“Fuck up, Ima talk to you later.” He hung up before I could even say anything else. Man I was looking forward to them coming down here. It would’ve been nice if my mom could too. Even though they wasn’t together, they were still cool.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my head, I scrolled through my contacts to find Rob’s contact. A nigga was starving.

Tapping on her name, the phone rang for quite some time before her face appeared in the camera. “Eh, you ugly in the morning.” I laughed as her swole face was all in the camera. I was kidding, but she did look like a blow fish when she woke up.

My smirk was soon wiped off of my face when I heard the 3 beeps. This motherfucker. I ain’t even finna call her back, I’ll just go buy something to eat.

“Nah let me start picking bitches up, a nigga bored.” I mumbled to myself as I clicked into the Uber app and made myself available.

**

Once I was at my destination, I thanked God cause a nigga’s feet was starting to hurt. I was at a nice looking hotel, waiting on this person to come out. This was like the 8th person I’ve picked up.

The petite girl came out with sunglasses and a big hoodie, struggling with her duffle bag. I would help, but she a big girl she got it.

As she finally got in the car, I drove off. “Fuck, I didn’t even have time to catch my breath. Thank you for being such a gentleman.” She said sarcastically. I knew that attitude from anywhere.

“Who you getting smart wit?”

“Jaylen?” She asked as she pulled her glasses off.

“Didn’t I just buy yo ass a car? What you doing here?” I rose an eyebrow as I noticed her long brown curls  that flowed down her back. She made them loook good on her. 

This whole time, Rob was at a hotel that was like 30 fucking minutes away. She had a whole big ass room at home, what was she doing here?

“I don’t drive in the rain, thanks.” She said as she brought her head up from her lap.

“You trying to go to my place or what?” I asked her, noticing it was getting a little dark out.

“Sure, why not?” She said nonchalantly. She know she wanted to come over, I always showed her a good time whenever she did.

“Don’t say it like you don’t wanna come, cause you know you do.”

“What you got planned?” She looked over at me with a smirk. Let me find out Rob a freak.

“First, we can fuck for a few hours then-”

“I’m serious!” She playfully hit my chest. Little did she know, I was serious too. I would fuck the shit out of Robyn.

“Aight.. wanna play 2k?” I ain’t really have shit else to do, and it would be nice to whoop her ass in something. She looked like she sucked in 2k.

“Yo simple ass would ask that.. but sure why not?” She said, flashing me her pearly whites. She was fucking pretty man.

This was gone be a long night due to the fact that I couldn’t try nothing with her.

**

Bumping to some PAC, I mumbled the lyrics as I swept up the kitchen. I loved cleaning on Sunday’s, it just felt nice to get everything out the way. I like my shit spotless. If someone drops like one drop of water on the floor, Ima make them clean it up. Call me a neat freak or whatever, I don’t care.

“They got money for wars, but can’t feed the poor.” I rapped as I searched around for the dustpan.

As I was sweeping, I started to think about this art show I had coming up in 2 weeks. I wanted everything to be perfect. This was going to be my first show, and boy I was nervous as hell. I think I got this.

Me and my mom always talked about this day..

I was knocked out of my thoughts when one of my phones started ringing. I didn’t even know where that bitch was at. “Dawg, I just cleaned this damn living room.” I sighed as I realized I was gone have to rip and run all up and through here. Just when I thought I was almost done cleaning..

I was lazy as hell, but I knew it was one of my clients cause my personal phone is in my pocket. I wasn’t about to miss out on no money either.

As the ringing continued, I noticed that it had to be either in the couch or behind it. Moving the couch pillows all around, my Matte Black IPhone 7+ was lying there. Sucking my teeth, I noticed the phone eventually stopped ringing so I picked it up and checked the screen.

Loyal: GM Chris, what time did you say I needed to pick up the piece again?

Damn she hit a nigga with the dry ass abbreviations. “GM.” I mumbled to myself as I chuckled.

Cynthia was another loyal client of mine. She was my mom’s friend daughter. She’s been buying from me before my work even got out there and recognized. She was fine as hell, but I knew she ain’t take me serious. She’s 32 on her grown woman shit, and I know she ain’t got time to be messing wit me.

Me: Sup Cynthia, you can come pick it up at around 2. How does that sound?

Loyal: perfect! ️ see you at 2!

Tossing my phone back on the couch, I heard little footsteps coming down the stairs. I knew it was Rob lil lazy ass. “You finally up? Yo, I thought you was dead.” I said to her as she walked in the kitchen. I would’ve made breakfast for her too, but I seriously ain’t think she was gonna get up. And I shole wasn’t finna wake her. She seemed pretty tired.

She always looked so refreshed whenever she woke up. Her jet black straight hair was in a messy bun, while she wore a big t shirt and some bunny slippers. She a big ass baby I swear.

Before I could speak, I seen her open the microwave, about to take my plate out. “Oh no baby, what is you doing?” I said in my NOLA accent as I swatted her hand away. I had made MYSELF some honey butter biscuits, crispy bacon, fluffy eggs, hot grits, and a lovely side of pineapples that I cut up.

“What you mean? I’m-”

“Close mouths don’t get fed baby, that’s my food. I’ll buy you some Waffle House or some shit.” I assured her as she mugged me. I’d give her a piece of my pineapple or something, but she wasn’t getting my food. That’s something a nigga don’t share at all. I don’t care who you is.

“Trifling ass.” I heard her mumble under her breath as she started to look in my fridge. She pulled out the smoothie I had just bought from Smoothie King a few hours ago. Smoothie King hit the spot every time. I always got Island Impact.

“Who told you to get my smoothie?” I asked as I rose my eyebrow.

“Shut up, you got a whole meal over there.” She complained as she sipped some of the smoothie from the straw. Wasn’t she the one just complaining the other day about how she don’t know where my mouth been?

“Girl shut up.” I laughed as I got out another plate and started giving her some of my food. I don’t know how I feel about all this nice shit going on.

“Thanks. Can I see your laptop?” She asked with a cheesy smile. Huffing, I grabbed my Mac off of the couch and handed it to her.

“Wow, when you let people see your laptop can you make sure you exit out of your porn first?” She said as she chuckled lowly. It wasn’t no shame in my game. We all know what niggas do when they home alone. Get that lotion and laptop popping ASAP.

“Maybe you should get your own laptop.” I replied as she looked up from the screen.

“I do, but I don’t feel like going all the way next door just to get it when yours is right here.” She said she she grabbed her glasses that she had brought down here.

“Wanna hit this?” I asked as I snug my arm around her shoulder. She shook her head no as I sucked my teeth. I had a blunt behind my ear that I was saving for this moment.

I knew she was stressed out from whatever her and O was talking bout earlier cause it was all over her face. Plus, I knew her feet was killing her from the heels she been wearing all last night. I was just trying to get her to relax a lil bit.

“Come onnnn Rob, ion’ want you sitting there looking like a lost puppy all night. Smoke dis blunt wit me.” I told her as she looked at me for a quick second.

Taking the blunt out of my hand, she inhaled the smoke as she closed her eyes, blowing it out of her nose. Taking another hit, a smile spread across her face. Passing it to me, she sat back and put her feet on my lap. She lucky I like feets.

“What’s bothering you?” I asked her as I started to massage her feet. She sighed as she threw her head back.

“Just some stuff happened at my shoot yesterday when I was leaving. It’s fine, I’m good now.” I knew this motherfucker was lying, she not slick at all.

“You know I’m gone bring this up another time, right? I’ll drop it for now though.” I told her as she smiled.

As she closed her eyes again, my eyes wandered off onto her long, toned legs. I couldn’t help but rest my hand on her thick thigh. She tensed up a bit. “Relax.” I whispered in her ear as she loosened up. I know that made her wet for a fact.

She looked so good right now and I honestly just wanted her to sit on my face. “Let me eat your pussy, Robyn.” I blurted out as she didn’t react. It was as if she didn’t hear me.

“Ok..” she mumbled as a smirk plastered across my face. I knew she was too high to care.

My lips crashed against hers as she began to run her dainty hands down my tattooed covered chest and abs. She smelt so fucking good, like flowers and shit.

Carrying her to my room, I laid her on the bed breaking the kiss. I bit my lip admiring her body. I took off her skirt before climbing in between her legs. Kissing her lips while taking her bra straps off of her shoulders, I kissed her neck continuing to take her bra off exposing her bare, little perky titties. I’m glad she ain’t have nipple rings, a nigga was tired of tasting coins.

I licked her neck down to her perfect nipples sucking on each one gently making her moan unexpectedly. “Damn these is pretty.” I mumbled against her skin, causing her to chuckle.

Leaving trails of rough, sloppy kisses down her stomach, I made my way all the way to her inner thighs. I played with her wetness through her soaked panties. Her moans grew a louder as I used my thumb to circle her pearl. “J-Jaylen..” She moaned out. I swear to god that made my dick jump. The way she was biting her lip was so fucking sexy.

I slid her panties to the side, playing wit her pussy like a banjo. As I sucked her juices off of my fingers, I noticed her blushing. “You taste like candy, baby.” I complimented her as I slid her panties off before devouring her pussy like it was my last meal.

I licked and sucked before kissing her other set of lips. Slurping up her juices, I made my way back up to her clit to suck on it again. “Fuck Jaylen, don’t stop.” She moaned as she pushed my face deeper. Baby girl was trying to suffocate me.

“Arch ya back.” I got up as she looked at me confusingly, but still did as she was told. Baby girl was so fine, I wanted to eat her pussy from the back.

Becoming face to face with her pretty pink pussy, I swirled my tongue against it as she tried to run away. “Jaylen, I’m gonna cum!” She moaned loudly.

“Bring dat’ ass here.” I laughed as I pulled her by her legs. The vibrations from my mouth had her leaking. I slurped up her sweet juices before coming back up to her lips. Pressing my hard member against her, she wrapped her legs around my waist. I knew she wasn’t ready for the dick yet.

“You good?” I asked her as I hovered over her. She covered her hands over her face as she smiled.

“Oh god, I made a mess.” She said as she got up to look at the sheets where some of her juices were. Her face was covered in embarrassment.

“You good, I got it.” As I started to take the sheets off of my bed, she went to the bathroom to go clean herself up.

By now, my dick was hard as a rock and I knew she wasn’t gonna give me no pussy that easy. A nigga was not trying to get blue balls and I wasn’t about to beat my meat.

“Hey, I’m gonna go shower at home and bring a few things over here. So I should be back in like 2-3 hours.” She said as she started putting her clothes back on. Perfect.

Nodding, she jogged out my room. Looking over in the corner, I noticed her thongs on the floor. “Aye Rob!” I called out, hoping she hadn’t left yet.

“Yea?” She asked as I heard her tiny footsteps getting closer to the room. She peeked her head in the door.

“You left yo panties over der’.” I pointed to the corner as she giggled. Shaking my head, I laughed along with her. Grabbing them, she proceeded to leave again.

Sighing out of relief, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and went straight to my messages and clicked on her number. I know if Robyn knew about this, she’d be pissed but it wasn’t like she was my girl or some shit so it shouldn’t matter.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my head, I sent her a text.

Me:  come ride me 🤤

ole girl: 🤦🏽‍♀️ “when I want sum dick, I will call u”

Me:  stop playing

ole girl: omw

She literally lived around the corner so I knew I had enough time.

**

“Ah, fuck.” I moaned as I felt myself release inside of her. I didn’t even give a fuck if she heard me or not, that shit felt so fucking good. Before I could even move, she pushed me off of her.

“Jaylen, I know you did not just fucking nut in me.” She gritted as she looked down at her pussy.

“Huh?” Even if I wanted to pull out, I couldn’t because she had her fucking legs wrapped around my waist. Plus, she was on the pill when we was together so I assumed she still was. What was she tripping about?

“Huh?” She mocked me as she looked at me like I was crazy.

“Why you trippin’? You said you was on the pill.” She act like she couldn’t just go take a Plan B.

“Bitch I was talking about xanax.” She groaned as she started to panic.

“Chill-”

“Shut up! I swear, I’m done coming over here. You only last for 10 fucking minutes anyways.” She ranted, clearly pissed as she got her belongings.

“So what? It ain’t my fault you got good pussy.” I shrugged, realizing she tried to make me mad. I ain’t give a fuck.

“You say the dumbest shit ever.” She mugged me as dropped her stuff. She went in the bathroom to run some water and I was gonna tell her she had to go until  Rob text me.

Robyn: Jay, I’m just now getting out the shower and I’m really sleepy so I’ll just come by in the morning. k?

Me: bet. goodnight lil one

Robyn: goodnight

Chuckling at the emoji she sent, I sat my phone back on the nightstand before making my way into the bathroom.

I looked by the tub, and she wasn’t in there so I guess she was in the shower.

“Aye..” I called her as I tapped on the glass. She jumped so fast that I couldn’t help but laugh. She rolled her eyes.

“Can’t you play music in here?” She asked referring to the shower. Nodding, I grabbed the remote so I could play music from her phone.

“K thanks, bye.” She said as the music started to play. It was some R Kelly, so I had no choice but to fuck her again.

“How you gone kick me out my own bathroom. Who you think you is?” I looked at her as she scrunched up her face. I swear she acted like she was a fucking queen and like everybody should worship her.

“Me…”

“So? What that mean?” I asked as she ignored me. I took that as my chance to stare at her body.

“Let me get it from the back real quick.” I bit my lip as she shook her head no.

“Hell no, not after that shit you just pulled.”

“Pssh.” I gave her a ‘yea ok’ look. Sliding in the shower with her, I pretended to bathe so she wouldn’t say anything. Grabbing her by her waist, I started to rub my tip at her opening.

“Jaylen, I’m not pl- Fuck!” She moaned, as I rammed into her with no warning. I knew I’d have her bent over in this shower in no time.

“Yea, what’s that shit you was talkin’?” I asked smacking her ass, as I yanked a handful of hair, making her look back at me. She liked that type of shit.

I knew she was gonna fuss at me for getting her hair wet since she just got it done, but I ain’t give a fuck.

                                                      Robyn

As I was catching up on 13 reasons why, I heard a big pop go off in the kitchen. It smelled like something was burning. “What the hell you do, Robyn?!” Odell asked as he ran in the kitchen to go see what was wrong.

Huffing, I paused the TV before jogging to the kitchen. The smoke alarm started to go off. “Who forgets to put water in they noodles?” He sighed as he shook his head. I haven’t ate cup noodles in so long.I wanted to laugh, but I knew O was really mad because he hates the whole burnt smell.

“This shit ain’t funny. Knowing you, the house will probably be burnt down or shot up by next week! You need to be more responsible, damn.” He snapped as I scrunched up my face.

“Someone’s got an attitude..” I mumbled as he came from back around the corner. I didn’t feel like arguing, that would defeat the purpose of me smoking that blunt.

“Don’t nobody got no fucking attitude, I’m just tired of living with an irresponsible ass little girl. You broke my fucking trophy and you expect me not to be mad? Fuck outta here.” His 5'11 frame towered over me. I sorta kinda was being lazy to get up and throw my bottle away, so I tried to throw it in the trash can, but it ended up knocking down one of O’s trophies.

“And did I not apologize? You bringing it up 1000 times isn’t gonna bring it back O, you don’t have to rub it in my face. You act like I did it on pur-” he cut me off. I hated when people cut me off. That’s so rude.

“That’s not the fucking point! You don’t understand how much that shit meant to me! Damn I swear sometimes I wish we never ran into each other again.” He spat as it felt like my heart fell outta my chest.

“That’s how you feel?” I asked as I folded my arms over my chest. I knew I shouldn’t have moved in with him. I should’ve just got my own place like I planned on doing when I came out here for the first time.

Ignoring me, he walked off to his room before slamming the door. I can’t believe he said that. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, they didn’t hesitate to fall. God, I hated crying. Coming from Odell, that shit really stung. “Aye O, you got some rub- what’s wrong wit you?” Jaylen barged through the front door. He stopped in his tracks once he noticed me crying.

Great, now I have to hear his mouth. “Nothing Jaylen, I just wanna be alone right now.” I sighed as I jogged upstairs to my room. I guess I could finish watching Netflix since I was rudely interrupted.

Opening my laptop, I tried to turn it on but then I realized it was dead. Looking around for my charger, it was no where to be found.

“Where the hell is my laptop charger?” I asked myself as I thought about the last place I had it. I haven’t got on it recently, but I remember getting on Jaylen’s. I think I used it for his cause I remember him telling me that his broke. Sucking my teeth, I slid into my pink bunny slippers before going next door.

I didn’t bother knocking, because I knew his door was always unlocked. I don’t think he was here anyways, it was awfully quiet. Making my way to his room, I stopped once I seen him laid up with a girl while he was playing in her hair. This fucking hoe. I just wanted to throw a book at him, but he wasn’t my nigga.

“Jaylen, you seen my lap-” Before I could finish my sentence, he jumped up.

“Shit! Rob, do you fucking knock?!” He snapped as I scrunched up my face. I should be the one with an attitude, he just snatched my soul last night now he hugged up with someone else. I should’ve known.

“When do I ever knock? Just shut your stupid ass up. You mad cause you caught.” I rolled my eyes. I noticed the girl looking at me. She was gorgeous, I couldn’t even lie.

“Caught how? You ain’t my fucking girl.” He spat as my eyes widened. The audacity.. Slowly nodding, I chuckled bitterly before walking over to the nightstand. As he looked at me with a mug on his face, I swear I wanted to slap him. How dare he? He better not ever say shit to me.

Grabbing my charger, I walked out, pushing past Jaylen in the process. I couldn’t wait to tell Quavo about this bullshit. Slamming Jaylen’s door, I pulled out my phone before walking back into our living room.

I need to be sleep for my shoot tomorrow morning anyways. I don’t have time to be thinking about Jaylen.

**

“Girl, you are like a natural today!” My photographer boosted me, as everyone else agreed. I just had a lot on my mind today, so for right now this shit was a piece of cake. Modeling wasn’t something I always wanted to do. I didn’t really get interested until I was about 15.

I remember my mom would always tell me how pretty I was and how I could rock anything I wore. I didn’t have the best self-esteem, so after she continuously filled my head up with that.. I grew interested. I remember her telling me modeling was something she always wanted to do, but she ended up getting pregnant with me. Luckily, she started her own modeling agency which is one of the top agencies in the world. Wilhelmina.

Years later here I am modeling for Vogue, Balenciaga, Balmain, Puma, and etc. I just wish my mom was here to see all of this, I know she’d be proud.

 "Aaaaaaaand, that’s a wrap for today!“ He called out as everyone clapped, making me smile. The thought of going home and lying down in my bed sounded like the best thing ever right now.

Nothing was better than my bed. Saying my goodbyes to everyone, I went in one of the dressing rooms to change into some more comfortable clothes. Once I was done, I packed all of my stuff in a duffle bag and grabbed my phone to call Winter. I refused to drive the car that that hoe Jaylen bought me. He can have that shit back. I didn’t want anything to do with him. The way he tried to stunt on me like he didn’t know what I was talking about really pissed me off. Fucking coon.

“Hello?” She answered sounding like she was stuffing her mouth. I still wasn’t on talking terms with O and the only person I had left was Winter because Qua wasn’t in town.

“I’m ready now..”

“Oh girl I’m in the parking lot. I seen this seafood spot and you know my fat ass had to go in there and check it out. I been in my car eating this whole time.” Her greedy ass.. I couldn’t blame her though. Food was life.

“Okay here I come.” I hung up as I spotted her Barbie Pink Jeep from a distance.

“What you doing later?” I asked as I hopped in the car. Literally. Jeeps were hard to get in if you were short.

“Going out for drinks, I ain’t turned up in a minute.” “Girl please, you know you get like Wanda when you get drunk.” I joked in a serious matter, referring to Wonda from Holiday Heart. Whenever Winter gets drunk, it’s makes everyone wonder what the hell she was drinking or if it was even alcohol. This bitch is crazy when she’s drunk.

“I do not act like that. I’m classy.” She denied as I gave her the ‘yea ok’ look. Turning up the radio, I sat back in my sleep and drifted off to sleep.

When we got home, Jaylen was sitting on the couch writing in a notebook. Once he heard us, he looked up at me.

“Hey Robyn.” He tried to greet me as Winter and I walked through the door. Ignoring him, I went in the kitchen to get the food that I had got from Olive Garden yesterday. It was barely  any left, but I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I just thought that my nap would be much better if I ate something first.

“You ain’t hear me speak?” He asked as he stood behind me. His hot ass breath was all on my neck.

“Jaylen if I were you, I’d move. Your hot ass breath is burning my neck.” I warned him because I honestly wanted to just punch him in the face one good time. I’ve been wanting to for the longest. I don’t understand why he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. To top everything off, he didn’t even apologize..

“Why you acting like this?“ 

“BECAUSE OF YOU! HOW DO YOU GIVE ME HEAD AND THEN GO LAY UP WITH ANOTHER BITCH NOT EVEN A FEW HOURS LATER! THEN YOU HAD THE NERVE TO STUNT ON ME? Fuck you Jaylen, you don’t deserve me at all. Not even as a friend.” I yelled as he looked down at the floor. He didn’t have shit to say. It’s not even just about the head part either. He was spending all this time with me, flirting and shit when he already had someone all along. So I feel played.

“I don’t even see why you trippin’ though.. like you act like I cheated on you some shit. I’m single, I can do what I want.” He stated, causing me to chuckle bitterly. Without thinking, I slapped the dog shit out of him.

“That’s what you get, ugly ass.” I heard Winter laugh from the living room. “Bit-” He cut his sentence short, because he knows I’d beat his ass again if he would’ve let that word slip. Looking at me one last time, he touched his face again before leaving.

I should’ve known he wasn’t shit from the first time we met. I’m about to start looking for somewhere else to stay right now. I can’t stand to stay here any longer.

**

Making a quick trip to Walmart, I went in to grab a few things I could eat as a snack once I found another hotel to stay at.  "Yo,“ I heard a male voice behind me. Turning around to face him, I noticed that he was a cutie.

"Yea?”

“Ion’ know how to say this but.. you got a big ass pool of blood on the back of ya pants. You good?” He stated as my heart sunk. The feeling of embarrassment took over my body.

Not knowing what to say, I just grabbed my basket and power walked away to my car.

“Yo, chill! It’s fine, you can use my jacket!” He called out before catching up to me. Hesitating at first, I wasted no time in tying his jacket around my waist.

“You drove?” He asked as he looked down at me trying to tie the jacket around my waist. I feel really bad because now he’s gonna have blood on his jacket. I mean yea, I can always wash it out but still.

“Caught an Uber.”

“Well.. you safe wit me, I promise.” He assured. Well, it was just as if I was taking an Uber because he was a stranger also so I guess it wouldn’t hurt if he drove me home. Plus it was free.

“Thank you so much, really. I can buy you another ja-”

“Nah, its cool. I’m glad that I could help. You sure you good though? That was a lot of uh.. blood.” He said as we walked over to his car. Opening up the door for me, he watched me get in before closing it. What a gentleman. Nice to know that chivalry still exists.

“Yea its normal.. unfortunately.” “Damn.. this why I got mad respect for women. I know it gotta be hard being one. I grew up in a household full of em’.”

“We need more men like you then, cause niggas be quick to be disrespectful as hell to us.” I shook my head as he laughed.

“What’s ya name?” He asked as he started up the car, handing me his phone to type my address in.

“Robyn, you?” I smiled as I handed him his phone back.

“Kai.” He smiled back, dimples deepening and all.

“Where are you from?” I just had to ask, because I could hear some New York in the way he talks. I grew up here for a few years so I know.

“You trying to be funny?” He rose an eyebrow as he looked over at me. “Not at all..”

“Brooklyn..” he stated as I nodded. I knew it.

“Well we here now..” he said as his car came to a stop. I didn’t even want to get out because the seats were so comfortable. I wonder what he does to have a car like this..

“I don’t even wanna go home..” I sighed, making him laugh. His laugh was actually cute. He’s the first guy I know that doesn’t have that Windex bottle laugh.

“I would say you could come to ma crib, but you don’t know me like that and I don’t know if you’d be comfortable or not.” He explained as I shrugged. Any where was better than being in a place with Odell.

“I’ll stay for a little while, but you mind taking me back home?” I asked as he shrugged. I needed to go buy my own car ASAP. I hated depending on people.

“That’s cool..”

“Well, I wanna atleast shower first so you wanna come in?”

“Uh.. yea.” He said as he turned his car off. Getting out, I led the way up to the elevator.

“I ain’t getting on that shit, a nigga will take the stairs.” He backed away as I furrowed my eyebrows. This nigga was like 6'5, don’t tell me he’s scared of elevators. We’re too old for that.

“Why not?”

“Girl you ain’t seen that movie called Devil? Fuck that.” A loud laugh immediately escaped my lips.

“Really? It was just a movie, it isn’t real.” “Nah, ion’ care I’m still taking the stairs. I’ll meet you or some shit.” I rolled my eyes and went towards the stairs with himZ

“And you call yourself a thug, huh?” I laughed as I shook my head.

“So I can’t be scared of dying in a elevator? I ain’t tryna go out like dat. I could atleast get shot or sum, but elevator? Nah B.” The fact that he was dead serious was funny.

“You are a mess.” As I reached the last stair, I dramatically sighted because I was really tired. I go up these things sometimes, so I don’t understand how I don’t have a fat ass yet.

“You’re not tired?”

“Nah, this ain’t shit. Try running’ track and playing ball all ya life.”

“You play sports?” He seemed like a pretty boy that just liked the sport, but didn’t play it.

“Not anymore.. You don’t notice this limp in my walk? I had broke my leg and ever since then a nigga been scared to get back on the court/track. It ain’t gone be the same.” He explained as I studied his legs. He walked with a little dab of a limp, but you couldn’t really tell unless he pointed it out.

“You can’t give up that easily..” I told him as I stopped in front of the door so I could unlock it.

“This all you?” He asked as he walked further into the condo. I hope Nut 1 and Nut 2 weren’t here. I knew they would give him a hard time.

“No, my brother lives here.” I rolled my eyes as I sat my purse on the counter. Going up the stairs, I stopped once I realized he was still looking at everything in the living room. “You coming?”

“Oh yea.” He chuckled as he trailed behind me. Opening up the door to my room, smiled because it was just the way I left it.

“Damn yo room look like some sex would be bomb in here.” He said as he sat on my bed. Waving him off, I looked in my drawers to grab a new pair of underwear and some clothes to change in.

“You need me to run you some bath water?” He asked as he kicked his shoes off. I see he gets comfortable easily.

“Aww you’re so sweet, but no thanks. I already asked my brother girlfriend to run it.” I had text Winter while I was in the car.

Sneaking off into the bathroom, I lit a candle before throwing my clothes in the hamper. I need to throw them in the washer when I get out. I needed a blunt so bad, and I didn’t know if he like the smell of weed or not so I was gonna do it in here while I was in the tub.

As I stepped foot in the tub, my body immediately relaxed due to the hot and soothing water. I really needed this. “Yo, you loud then a bitch.” I heard Kai’s voice as I started coughing up a storm. I don’t know why my dumbass thought he wasn’t gonna be able to smell it.

“Kai!” I called out as he peeked his head in the bathroom a few seconds later. Luckily, my tits were small as shit so the bubbles were covering everything up.

“Wanna hit?” I asked with a smile on my face. He sat on top of the toilet and took the blunt from my hands. As soon as he inhaled it, his lungs gave up on him.

“Damn girl, fuck is this?” He coughed loudly as I busted out laughing. I honestly didn’t even know what it was, but this shit was good as hell. It was some weed Jaylen  gave me a few days ago.

“That good shit.” I said lowly with my eyes closed.

“Do you even smoke?” I asked as I opened one eye. He damn near lost his life when he took that first puff, so I knew he didn’t smoke on the regular. That’s cute though.

“Occasionally..” he replied as I nodded. I could relate. I wasn’t a stoner, but I had my days where I needed to smoke and lately I’ve been needing to.

“Here, you can have the rest I’m gonna finish bathing.” I told him as I handed the blunt back to him. Taking it, he got up and went back in my room so I could bathe.

After lying in the tub, I let all of the water out and went over to the shower. I showered for atleast 30 minutes, before getting out. Rubbing my body down with Shea Butter, I started to put on my clothes.

When I opened the door, I noticed Kai sprawled out across my bed. He looked like he was sleeping. “Kai? Are you dead?” I asked as I poked him.

“Nah,” He paused before laughing.

“A nigga just thinking.”

“Oh well.. I’m ready to go.”

“Aight let me find my phone.” He said as he turned the flashlight from his phone on to look under my bed. He was high as shit.

“Kai.. it’s in your hand.” I palmed myself as he looked at me before looking at his hand. He busted out laughing before grabbing his keys.

“Oh shit, I didn’t even see it.” Closing the door behind us, we made our way outside to his car. Opening the door for me, I got in as he closed it afterwards. Once he was in, he started the car and pulled off before turning his radio up. He was blasting MoneyBagg Yo.

Bobbing my head to the music, I looked at all the surroundings as I waited for him to reach his house. After what seemed like forever, we pulled up to this gigantic house. I know he doesn’t live here by himself..

“Kai! What do you do?” I exclaimed as I got out of the car and ran to the door like an kid in a candy store. I don’t know how he stays in this big house by himself. You could easily get lost in here, that’s how big it is.

“Don’t like to brag.. but ya boy got money.”  He smirked as he took his keys out to unlock the door.

“How? Can’t be drug money, cause you seem like a good boy.” I said as he stepped aside to let me go in first. It looked even better on the inside.

“Girl at all, and I own 10 different barber shops all across the U.S.” He said as he rubbed his hands like Birdman.

“Seriously?” That was fucking dope.

“Deadass.” He states causing me to chuckle. Admiring his house, I started to look at some of the pictures that was on the wall. I noticed that there was a little girl in almost every picture. His daughter?

“Who’s this?”

“My beautiful baby girl…” He said with a smile on his face. I was going to ask where was she, but he beat me to it.

“She uh… died a few years ago.” He said as he stared at the biggest picture of them two above the couch. It was honestly beautiful. She was the splitting image of him.

“Wow, I’m sorry.” I frowned. I didn’t want to ask him how, because I felt as if that was too personal or maybe he didn’t want to talk about it. Who would?

“Yea, you thirsty though?”

“Yes, do you have any Tea?” He nodded as I followed him into the kitchen. His whole crib was nice. I’d love to have a place like this.

“I love these!” I yelled excitedly as I seen the chili lime pistachios in a bowl on the table.

“Everybody does, that’s why I keep them there.”

“Here, we finna go in my room.” He said as he handed me my cup of tea and led me to a corner where his room was. I wonder what was upstairs then.

“Your room is even better!” I gasped as I stood at the door in shock. His room was so interesting and cozy looking. I loved dark areas.

“It’s ight.. wanna watch a movie or some shit?” He asked as he went up the stairs to get to his bed.

“Let’s watch Baby Boy.” I suggested as he looked at me before laughing. I know that movie comes on BET 24/7 but I was just in the mood to watch it.

Kicking off my slides, it was indeed cold in here so I’m glad I had some socks and a big hoodie on. Climbing in the bed, I watched him as he looked through a collection of movies.

Once he found what he was looking for, he put it in before cutting the lights off and getting in the bed. “Your bed is so comfortable.” I said as I closed my eyes and laid back on the pillows.

“Watch this.” A few seconds later the bed felt like a vibrating chair causing me to moan lowly. I needed this bed. Now.

“Kai, I would kill for this bed.” Since I was in heaven right now, I started to drift of to sleep before the movie even started. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. He knew what he was doing when he cut the vibrating thing on.

“Lil mama..” I heard Kai’s voice in my ear as he shook me.

Groaning, I turned the other way so he could leave me alone. His bed was so comfortable and I wasn’t getting up for nothing. “I thought you wanted me to take you home.”

“No I wanna stay..” I mumbled.

“Well shit don’t be trying to wake a nigga up in the A.M. then, cause I’m telling you once I’m sleep it’s like I’m dead.” He said as he turned the TV off. Good, because I hated sleeping with the TV on unless I was home alone. I felt the bed get lighter, so I’m guess he got up but I didn’t care.

“Ima be in the guest room. You can sleep in here.” I heard him say.

I was too tired to say anything back. I’ll just call an Uber in the morning.                                                     

[sorryparis-forihavesinned]

DumbAss

I used to think I was smart, maybe I was and I’m doubting my memory. I worked so hard throughout middle school and high school. I worked and cared so much because I thought I was reaching for a goal that was going to make my life better. Turns out that goal was just another add on to all my problems. I wish I could go back, I wish I enjoyed it more, I wish I didn’t take it for granted and I wish I just was happy with what I had. But you never know what you have until it’s gone... I know, cliche but true though. I had no friends in high school, I worked, I slept, I drank and did my pills by myself. I was smart. I had good grade, I did well on tests, I had a good memory, I had a good gpa and teachers like me. Now, here I am, I can’t remember shit I did yesterday, I no little about history anymore and I’m beginning to lose interest in the one thing I loved, pop culture. Everything I say is wrong, I can hardly speak or pronounce words yet I’m 21 years old. Do you know how depressing that is? I can’t even fucking write anymore and while that was established at Lasell, it’s just gotten worse, and that’s all I wanted to do for so long in my life. I don’t know how I end up in these friendships where I allow them to walk all over me and make me feel worse about myself than I already do. My friends in high school did it, S did it at Lasell and now J here at Ringling. She’s everything I wish I was. Tall, beautiful, desirable, so so so smart, charismatic and charming I guess. At first I thought she was really funny, chill and genuinely had the same interests I had. But just like S, it turned into a more mean joking where I don’t know if she is actually joking or mad at me or not. She’ll call me disgusting if I like a food she doesn’t or a place that she doesn’t like. If I say any little piece of information wrong she yells at me calling me stupid and then has to fact check right there on the spot to call me out on my stupidity. This is always happens with friends. The friendship starts off strong and it fizzles out. They begin to get annoyed at me, get bored with me so they either lash out at me or ignore me. I get it, I’m a lot to handle and I don’t mean to be. So I shutdown and I shut myself away. I go into my room, lock the door and hide all day everyday. She really lashed out at me tonight. We were watching a show in her room and I got up to go get a drink from my bedroom and I hear her calling my name multiply times so i come back and ask, “what is going on” and she all frantic says, “theres a bug in my bed, im trying to see it, i cant find it i need your help omg” so as I stood by her light switches I turn one on. However, I turned the wrong switch on and that switch turns off everything so it turned off the tv and the Christmas lights. I didn’t mean to, it was an accident, I was trying to act fast so she could get the fucking bug. So she starts yelling, “you fucking idiot, omfg you’re such an asshole why would you do that, you’re such an asshole” So I stood there shocked and said, “yeah because I did that on purpose” and then she yells “i need to get up, get out, get out so i can get up, get out” (she was in a towel from her shower) so I got up and went to my room because if she was that pissed at me then why the fuck would you want to hang out with me after I fucked up? So, then a couple minutes later I hear her yell in an annoyed voice “are you seriously going into your room?” and then she texts me on how I was being ridiculous and how gay it is for me to go into my room for the rest of the night. She literally minutes ago just called me an idiot and an asshole and I’m supposed to just be okay with that and be like “okay lets continue the show, love ya sis!!” like no. I went back anyways just so i didn’t have to hear it. I drank my vodka and watched the show in silence. When it ended she had the nerve to turn to me and in a bitchy tone say “so what are we going do with this, are you just going to ignore it and act like it didn’t happen” and me, pissed off responded with “well, im sorry I turned the wrong fucking switch off” and then she went on about how she said sorry and she didn’t mean to freak out on me. So I made it known that it’s piled up over the past month or so and she blames that she is just tired all the time. I’m fine with her being tired and I knew this was going to happen the further she gets into her major and I told her that and I told her its fine if you’re bitchy because shes tired. She tried to play good cop saying that I don’t have to take her bitchiness like her being tired isn’t an excuse. But we all know it is, she wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t. I just want to go home, which sounds fucked considering how bad it is at home. I’m sick of the people here, I’m tired of being in my apartment depressed because of J all the time, I miss the north, I miss my dog and my mom, I miss not having stress or work or shitty professors. I’m dealing with so much, I can’t handle it anymore. Everything around me is falling apart and no one cares. We live in an era where you can be on social media talking about mental illness and supporting those who have it yet in real life no one gives a shit, people will shit on you for having issues, they don’t actually care, it’s all just an act. I’m so alone here, I’m getting closer to that line. I think about stepping in front the ongoing trucks when I walk to class, I think about drinking my entire bottle of vodka or taking all the pills I have in this room. Sometimes I’ll have moments where I’m not afraid and I want to so bad and then I have the moments where I’m too afraid. Not like anyone would care. J doesn’t give a shit about death, my dad and brother are high all the time so they won’t even give a shit. no one cares. i care so much and im living in a world where no one else gives a fuck. and I try, I fucking try to stop caring but i can’t, i fucking can’t and i hate myself for it. I just want to go back, I want to go back and change everything, i wish i could do it all again. There’s a reason why I don’t talk, there’s a reason why i’m not confident, there’s a reason why i’d rather sit in my bed all day, everyday. I don’t want to be around people anymore, I know I’m dumb therefore I don’t want to give people ammo by what I say and how stupid i say it. I grew up with a father who called me fat ass, disgusting, ugly from the age of 4 to the age of 16. i was beaten by him majority of my childhood and talked down to every time i opened my mouth. My brother would make sure I knew I was stupid when I opened my mouth. my sister beat me growing up. i saw death at such a young age and experienced failure. things happened to me that no one knows, things that i can’t even say outloud things that I haven’t come to terms with. things that have just recently, this year, have come back up in my head. things i chose to forget. i just want time to pause. i want people to understand and to listen. i think i’m finally beginning to understand it. i’m understanding why, now, why they did it. why they chose heroin, i understand. i can’t even handle 21 years of this life and my father handled 50 years of this before doing it. it’s just something to take this pain away. i know this pain and its so dark, so painful and tiring. if i knew, i would. i forgive. i forgive them, i forgive them. i understand now. if i could do the same i would. im dying inside, i feel it everday. my chest hurts and my heart tightens under my left breast. i keep getting bad nose bleeds, i get light headed. it’s taken its toll.

I’m sorry