#everything in my life is so hopeless and terrible and i have no energy for anything

[xoshepard]

ohhhhh… the pain is unending

[mavrintarou]

[3:45PM] Suna Rintarou (prequel of DD) [3]

I started a part-time job so my writing and posting will slow down tremendously. Hopefully, I'll get inspired lol. If you are new, this is the 3 part, please go back and read the initial post, and prequel - parts 1, and 2. You can find those chapters here

Warning: none, angst/hurt & leading to comfort Note: There is a time jump, hopefully, I don't confuse you guys

Prequel (part 2)

.

Rin realized he found himself watching Y/n sleep more often than usual. He never understood romantic films where the man watches the girl sleep, often thinking how creepy they were.

He didn’t care that at the moment he was doing the same thing, watching Y/n sleep like a little creeper. All that mattered to him was seeing Y/n asleep beside him safe and sound.

Rin still could not believe the wild roller coaster he and about 300 other passengers went through less than 72 hours ago.

It was one thing to be surprised to discover that Y/n was the pilot of the plane he was flying to Thailand for a tournament.

Four months ago, he would have waved at her like a hopeless romance and shown everyone they were lovers.

But it has been four months since Rintarou broke everything off with Y/n.

Everything has been a mess since that day and nothing was going right.

With each ticking second his conscience questions whether he made the right decision. Was it impulsive or was he right?

All he wanted was to make them official, he wanted the right to call her his girlfriend and show her off. He also wanted her to take him home to her place.

He wanted a home with her.

But he got the sense she didn’t want to share much of her life with him. 

He began questioning her about when she would cancel plans or tell him she would no longer be coming home that day and be gone for days on end without communication.

He respected her busy career and work schedule, but he couldn’t help but feel left out of her life.

They had been seeing each other for almost four months, he was ready for the next phase and thought they were both on the same page.

When he initiated and asked her to be his girlfriend, she did not consider his request, immediately turning him down.

“I’m sorry… I can’t… I thought you understood, Rin?”

Like a light switch, anger consumed him. He threw the comforters off and stalked naked around his room to search for his boxers. “Understood?” he mimicked her tone, he wiped towards her with hurt and pain written on his face. “What is there to understand when you don’t tell me anything?”

“What do you mean? I tell you when I’m done with work, I make time on my off days to meet with you. What is it, Rin? What is it that you want?” Y/n kept her voice leveled, not wanting to meet his energy.

“I want you!” he shouted, throwing his hands up, “I want you to be mine, Y/n.” He inhaled sharply, “I want everything there is out there to want. I want to know where you are at all times because I can’t help but be anxious you might be with someone else when you are not with me. I want to know what you are thinking about and if I even cross your mind at all because you are always on mine. I want to tell every damn hot-blooded male out there you are mine, fuck – even the women too because you’re fucken amazing.” His breath shook as he slowly took a deep breath. “I want to not have this terrible feeling that I’m not good enough for you…” he choked, “I feel like I’m being childish, wanting you to only look my way, wanting you to only want me… want you in every way possible. But I feel like it’s one-sided…”

He felt foolish pouring out his childish feelings. He couldn’t even look at her at this point.

To make matters worse, Y/n hadn’t spoken a word. She had not attempted at all to assure him that she too wanted him.

“I think we should end this, it is obvious you do not feel the same way for me,” he muttered, “please see your way out.” He turned his heels and headed straight to his bathroom.

When he came out after a hot bath almost an hour later, she was gone, every trace of her gone.

He stared out the air plane window, zoning out until something was held in front of him, a paper bag.

“Our captain has asked me to deliver this to you.” The young flight attendants informed with a smile.

Rin accepted it and opened the bag.

It was snacks he and Y/n enjoyed eating together. At the bottom of the bag was a piece of paper inside.

I hope you have been well.

He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He missed her dearly.

Reaching for his bag, he began searching for stuff he could give back to Y/n. “Excuse me,” he called the flight attendant, “do you have pen and paper?” She returned with the items he requested.

As he was about to signal the flight attendant again, the plane suddenly jerked and trembled violently before it suddenly veering sharply to the left, causing standing passengers to lose their balance.

Y/n’s voice came over the intercom with a vague announcement, immediately ordering all passengers to fasten their seatbelts.

Rin could not mistake the uneasiness in her tone and nor did he miss the looks on the flight attendants' faces as they quickly shuffled around, making sure all passengers followed the announcement.  

Quickly fastening his seatbelt, unknowingly holding his breath.

Talk to me Y/n, Rin silently prayed to himself.

No one could have anticipated encountering a situation typically happening only in films. The lights inside the plane started flickering, and the aircraft continued to sway as if struggling to remain airborne. This prompts passengers to demand an explanation.

Rin looked down at his watch and began counting.

It was the longest five minutes of his life before he heard Y/n’s voice.

“This is your pilot Y/n, we will be making an emergency landing shortly here in Singapore, please remain seated and keep your seat belt fastened until further notice.”

Thirty minutes later, the plane landed on the tarmac and moved towards the many flashing vehicles.

At last, an announcement was made, except this time it was not Y/n’s voice. “This is your co-captain speaking, I sincerely apologize for the sudden change and inconvenience. There has been an emergency medical situation and I ask everyone to please remain seated until further notice. Another announcement will be made as soon as you can exit the aircraft, there will be gate agents ready to assist and get you on the next flight to Thailand.”

Outside of the aircraft ambulances and other medical services were waiting outside.

Rin’s eyes widen as he catches a glimpse of Y/n rushing alongside the stretcher that is being hauled into an ambulance.

.

Rin and his team boarded the next flight to Thailand. His mind remained clouded and hazy as he awaited Y/n’s text response, any response from her. During the game, he found himself sidelined for most of it, as his coached noticed his lack of mental focus. The moment EJP Raijin was declared champions, Rin rushed to the locker room to check his phone.

He has never been so relieved to see her name on his screen.

I’m in Thailand at XXX Hotel. Dinner?

.

“Usually, on long flights lasting 6 hours or more, there are three pilots, but this time, there were four due to the larger aircraft. It was my co-pilot’s and my turn to swap and rest. Thirty minutes after falling asleep, I heard him call my name, gasping that he was experiencing chest pains,” Y/n recounted, rubbing her face with her hand as she relived the moment. “He was having a cardiac arrest,” Y/n pushed the food on her plate around, not having much of an appetite. She described how she administered CPR to her colleague while simultaneously giving commands to the other pilot to request an emergency landing. “An as if that wasn’t challenging enough, we flew into a flock of birds that caused one of our engines to blow out,” Y/n explained, her expression reflecting extreme fatigue as she recount the situation on the plane. “The plane got out of control so I had to quickly switch and gain control in the air until we landed in Singapore.” She smiled tiredly at Rin, “he’s okay if you’re wondering.”

“That’s good, but are you okay?” Rin cared more for her well-being than the others. He too lost his appetite, pushing his food around. He reached for her hand and laced their fingers. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m just… exhausted. It’s been a long four months…” she tightened her fingers around his. “Long four months of training and… without you.”

Rin could only maintain eye contact with her in silence before softly inquiring, “what are you trying to say…?”

“I’m saying that I have missed you, Rintarou. I have missed you every single day,” Y/n answered earnestly.

A deep sigh escaped from his lips, as though he had been holding it in for quite some time before they curved into a smile. “I missed you too,” he admitted.

.

In the brief period he’s known her, she has consistently been a sound sleeper, likely due to her hectic work routine.

But at this moment, he could tell she was deeply asleep as she didn’t stir when he shifted himself so he could hold her. His heart rate eased as she nestled closer into his warmth. The tip of her nose pressed lightly against his nipple, erecting his nub as she unconsciously rubbed against it.

He hist softly, cursing silently in his head. Counting backward from one hundred, he distracts his mind with other thoughts to distract himself.

He found it hard to grasp the reality of her presence beside him. After dinner, there was no way he was going to part from her.

He held on to the end of her shirt like a lost puppy, “stay with me.”

Y/n reached for his hand, holding it tightly, “I’m so tired, I’m ready to fall asleep on my feet.”

“Your place or mine, I don’t care, your call.” Rin stepped closer and cupped her cheek, “I just want to be wherever you are.”

They came back to hers. Rin noticed her small luggage and a handful of her belongings spread out on the desk.

Y/n began stripping her clothes off, leaving only her panties and sports bra on. Rin could feel his face heat up as he turned away.

“I’m just getting comfortable, don’t worry I won’t take advantage of you,” she teased, slipping into the bed. “Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to get in?”

He stripped down to his boxers briefs and slipped in, he might as well get comfortable with her too.

“Are you afraid I’ll bite you? Why are you so far away from me? Are you lying about missing me?”

Y/n was tugged into Rin’s arm as they tightly locked around her. “I would lie about many things but missing you isn’t one of them.” He pressed his lips to her forehead, “sleep, you can barely keep your eyes open.”

“Rin.”

He hummed watching her close her eyes before she whispered, “I like you.”

Minutes later, her breathing steadied, and she relaxed in his embrace. Rin couldn’t pinpoint when he started noticing the small intricacies about her. Like the tiny beauty mark at the outer corner of her left eye, or how her green eyes occasionally shifted to yellow in the sunlight. He observed how her eyes crinkled when she smiled widely and how she would quickly use a hand to cover her smile. He longed to reach out and smooth the wrinkles on her forehead when she was deeply focused on something.

He found himself missing her every second of the day whenever she wasn’t by his side, and every little thing seemed to remind him of her. Whether it was spotting someone with the same shade of green eyes or hearing or seeing an airplane in the sky, thoughts of Y/n would flood his mind.

Every little thing about Y/n came down to one thing, he was hopelessly in love with her.

.

For the past five minutes, Y/n had been observing the man sleeping beside her. She couldn’t help but notice the dark circles under his eyes and how he seemed to have lost weight, his cheeks appearing sunken.

She had noticed her weight loss and general disinterest since their fallout, believing she was the only one suffering. As her fingers lightly brushed his bangs aside, she pondered whether he, too, might have been enduring similar struggles.

After she left his place that day, regret weighed heavily in her heart ever since. She has never felt rejected and hurt as much as Rin telling her to leave his place.

She distracted herself with work, taking on additional shifts until one day she was greeted by someone she least expected, her old boss, the Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Specialty Force.

“We need you to come back,” was the first thing he said. “We have a project and you are the only one who can lead it and carry it out.”

Pursuing aviation had always been Y/n’s passion and dream, so joining the military straight out of school seemed like the optimal choice for her. In a sense, she was achieving two goals at once: pursuing her passion while also upholding the long-standing family tradition of military service spanning decades.  

A year ago, she would have eagerly accepted the mission, always eager for a fresh challenge. But now, she found herself struggling to find her voice. Accepting the mission meant being away for an extended period – ranging from at least six months to two years or more.

Y/n couldn’t understand why she was hesitating.

A part of her was her pride.

She is reminded of a painful past incident that had her dismissed with an uncharacterized discharge. After she returned to the civilian world, she was pulled into commercial aviation to maintain a part of her passion.

But that wasn’t it either.

At last, Rin’s face came to her mind.

Everything has changed since she met Rin.  

He was only meant to be a distraction. Their relationship was never meant to have gone this far or deep.

She wasn’t supposed to care for him, let alone, formed a bond with him.

Her time in the military and her specialized field compelled her to prioritize her duty over settling down, understanding that investing in something that might only lead to heartbreak was not in her best interest. Even in her current time, she was always on the go, never settling in one spot for long, she was convinced a relationship wouldn’t survive if one partner was always gone.

This is why she steered clear of committing to a relationship or remaining attached to someone for an extended duration.

Y/n had refused to acknowledge her feelings for Rintarou. She viewed their interactions as mere entertainment whenever she was back at home. She enjoyed his pursuit and the undivided attention he gave her. She has never had anyone give her as much attention as Rin had. At first, she believed it was because he was younger than her and was infatuated with the thought of chasing and finding interest in an older woman.

However, as they spent more time together, the hours slipping by unnoticed, she gradually found herself caving into him, basking in the warmth of his arms and feeling her heart beat in sync with his.

She had never yearned for someone’s company as intensely as she did for his. Simply being in his presence was sufficient to make her feel at ease and rejuvenate. He filled a void in her life that she hadn’t realized existed.

Her heart and mind started yearning for every detail about him. In a crowded place, she’d catch a glimpse of men similar in height, instantly reminded of him. The sight of the color yellow would remind her of his eyes that glowed whenever they locked with hers. She began following his volleyball team to stay on top of updates about him and his professional life.

She thought she was the only one who was feeling these aftereffects.

Therefore, it was a hasty choice on her part to accept the mission, driven by the desire to distract herself from him and put physical distance between them.

She was simply a coward who was hopelessly in love with him.

. . .

E/n: I'm happy to explain anything you might be confused about, or hopefully my next part will explain/answer it.

>>> @queenelleee @mfreedomstuff @erintaro @callmeraider @chaotic-fangirl-blog @wolffmaiden @cloud-lyy

[conjuring-ghouls]

I lost my best friend on Sunday.

Life feels sad ever since. Sitting on my bed and not having her immediately come to my lap, or waking up without her weight and warmth on my legs feels excruciating. It's like having a lump in your throat that never leaves, or like being kicked so hard in the stomach that you're out of breath. Only this feeling is constant.

I oscillate between the terrible feeling that a massive part of my life is missing and the comforting sensation that I've accomplished my job in giving her the best life I possibly could. A sense of relief that she got to spend her last days with us, near me and her last minutes in this life in my room, in my bed (or her room, her bed, that she was kind enough to share with me).

Ugh… the only certainty we have in this life is the one of death, either way, I'm still always impressed at how much it hurts. Of how unprepared we are to deal with the excruciating reality of not having someone we love anymore. Of how in one minute they're here, and in the next they're not. Our brain struggles to process this fact. Yet, we keep going because that's all we can do.

Blume, I'm just so glad we've spent SO much time together throughout the years because I have all these nice pics of you. I'm happy that at least I could tell you everything I had to tell you in these last days. Even if it was hard, even if i couldn't help crying while holding your tiny little paw. But when you looked back at me with your big yellow eyes, I knew you were understanding me.

Even if you couldn't understand exactly my words, you were feeling the energy I was trying to convey to you when I told you that our love and connection is so strong that it overlaps the meaningless barriers of life. When I promised you our love is so strong and unique that it will make us meet again. Souls that connect this much, find their way to each other, one way or another. We are bound to meet again, in this life or the next.

And if you can see my pain rn, I hope it serves as evidence of how much I loved you, of how much you've meant to me, of how thankful I am that you chose me as your human. No other animal has ever done that to me before. Between a house with five people, with no evident reason, you chose me. It's been always hard for me to see myself as worthy of good things, but I keep thinking that if you loved me, if you saw little details in me that gave you comfort, maybe I'm not that bad.

So I'm gonna keep going and every time that life feels hard and hopeless, I'll think of you and keep going for you. Because if you trusted me, maybe I should trust myself too. Because I know that's what you've wanted.

In regards to tumblr, I need time. I will get better, I will address things and will accept this lost as I slowly get used to a life without her. But I need some days.

And to be honest, if I'm taking something from this time I've spent away, is that I haven't been dealing with tumblr and content creating in the best way lately. I've been neglecting my own feelings and mental health and attributing my worth to what I share or how much time I spend here. And this isn't healthy.

There are so many things out there we end up missing if we're too stuck in this mindset. A whole world around us that we go blind to. I will be back soon. But I need a few days. I hope you'll all understand ♡

Meanwhile, stay with these silly pictures of her. I couldn't go anywhere without her following me around and I couldn't take a mirror selfie or in fact any picture at all without her showing up in the bg, so there's plenty!

Rest in peace, my love. I will forever love you. Thank you for loving me when I thought no one else could ♡

[hiraeth-witch-11]

Bond to Happen Part 17

Warnings: depression, guilt, references to suicide/attempted assault/murder, Billy Russo is his own warning. Shit is going to get dark before we get our happy ending.

Word Count: 2000ish

Masterlist

The panic begins to set in. You’ve never felt this weak, this powerless, and disconnected in all your time as a magic user. It takes a moment of deep breathing before you can even sense the smallest spark of power, flickering in and out. “I can barely even feel any of it, no auras, no static, no buzzing.”

“Breathe with me, baby. What can you feel?” His cooling aura washes over you. It’s faint and you can’t feel the emotion behind it, only its presence.

“You. I only feel you.”

“It’s okay, you’re probably just drained.”

“Oh my gods. I killed them.” Memories continue to rush back to you in fragments as you struggle to keep your breathing steady. “They’re both dead?” You look to him for confirmation.

Billy nods. “You saved both our lives, Blue. You did the right thing.”

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” you say to yourself. Everything feels so heavy, so hopeless and repetitive and painful. You will always be stuck in this cycle of violence and you hate that you have no power over it.

Billy holds you tighter. “Talk to me, sweetheart,” he whispers into your hair pleadingly.

“I’m so tired of hurting people. I’m so tired of being in pain all the time. I just want it to stop.”

Billy takes a deep, steadying breath. “From what I’ve seen, you’ve only hurt people who were going to hurt you. There is no shame in that.”

“And if hurting them made me feel better afterwards?”

“Sweetheart, what aren’t you telling me? I know there’s more to this than what happened earlier. How can I help you if you don’t trust me?”

So you tell him. You tell him about the blonde who roofied you and the men who tried to kill you in the rain.

“I didn’t want to, I really didn’t. They were going to do awful things. I couldn’t help it, I just reacted. Everyone is so afraid of what witches are capable of, and I pretend like I’m harmless. Like I’m some good person. So people aren’t afraid of me. But they should be. Everyone should be. I killed for the first time drugged out of my mind, a fledgling witch against a man twice my strength. I ripped his throat out and walked away from it. The second time, I was so weak, so starved of energy, and I brutally murdered 4 men. I thought I had left that all behind when I came to New York. I thought I had been doing so well. I’d gotten into trouble, but I didn’t kill again. Until you were bleeding out in front of me. I am the monster they expect me to be. Maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow. But even weak and beaten, all it takes is a push and I will do terrible things.”

“You defended yourself-”

“I used an appalling amount of force when there were other options. I didn’t care, I didn’t look for another way out, I just tore their life away from them. And it made- it makes me feel strong- I never feel strong anymore and I hate it at the same time.”

“It’s okay to feel strong, sweetheart. There’s nothin’ wrong with that.”

“Maybe,” you say dismissively. “Those people yesterday-” you hesitate before continuing.  “they didn’t seem to be trying to kill me, but they definitely wanted you dead. Why is that?”

Billy’s arms stiffen around you minutely, just for a moment before relaxing. “I used to work with them. I can’t really tell you anymore than that, but suffice to say they don’t like me.”

“Why do you think they were after me? Who was the boss they mentioned?”

“I don’t know, they might be working for someone new. But you tell me, why would they be interested in you?”

If you were smart, you would have noticed the evasion and turnaround tactics at that moment. But you weren’t smart. You were blindly trusting of a man who had never been anything but perfect in your eyes, and you refused to see anything wrong with him.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” you sigh. “I just…”

“Just what, baby?”

“I just want it to stop, I want some peace. I’m so tired of all of this hurt and fighting just to exist.” Small tears slip from your eyes directly onto his neck as you sniffle. Billy is silent for so long you aren’t sure if he heard you. “I want to say something, sweetheart. First, I want you to know I’m not angry at you, I could never be angry at you. You got that?”

You nod against him.

“Look at me,” he says softly and you raise your head to meet his gaze. “No one’s life is worth more than yours; not mine, not those asshole mercs, not anyone’s. Don’t you ever go doin’ something that you know is gonna get you killed ever again. You hear me?”

“Billy, I’m not going to just stand by and watch the people I care about die when I can help them,” you argue petulantly.

“And suicide is the answer then?” Billy’s face is twisted into an almost sneer.

“It’s not- it wasn’t. I’m not-. It’s a spell, it’s not suicide.”

“A spell to kill yourself, that sounds like suicide to me.”

You turn your head to avoid his eyes, they see too much and it’s almost painful to look at him right now. He lets the silence stay, heavy and thick for a moment, in the air.

“Blue, do you want to die?” He asks, hand reaching for your’s slowly.

A sob rips itself from your lips. “I don’t know,” you whisper as the tears fall.

“Oh baby, come’ere.” He pulls you close to his chest and hums soothingly.

“When I was 13, I was … struggling. I was in a new home, no friends, no baseball. My shoulder still actin’ up and I was so angry at everything- everyone. One night my foster parents were out and I went lookin’ for some booze to take the edge off. I found a gun instead. I don’t know what was goin’ through my head but I picked up that gun and just…. Well, whatever I was gonna do, it didn’t matter cuz the front door opened and I ran outta there like my ass was on fire. I spent years after that doin’ reckless shit, not really carin’ if I lived. Everyone saw me as some pretty pity case and I hated it. I honestly don’t know how I made it to 18. Joining the Marines probably saved my life. It gave me direction, something to point my anger at. Focus, a team, control. For the first time in so long, I wanted to live.” Billy takes a deep breath. “I’m not sayin’ this to make you feel sorry for me or anything. I just want you to know you’re not alone. We’re in this together, we just need to find you that something that makes this a little easier. Something that grounds you or focuses you.”

“You’re a really good friend, Billy,” you murmur, unsure what to say. There are 3 words you want to say, words your whole body seems to be screaming at you to confess to him, but you swallow them down. 

“Just promise me you’ll try, or at least talk to me when this shit starts gettin’ too heavy for you,” Billy begs you. 

“I promise, Billy.”

*******

That evening, an unknown number called Billy’s phone. 

“Russo.”

“You have something I want,” Rawlins said.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific, Rawlins.” 

“Your little witch. Name your price.”

“She’s not for sale,” Billy says evenly. 

“You always have a price, Russo.”

“Not this time. She’s been useful. I think I’ll keep her around for now.” 

“Don’t tell me you’ve gotten attached,” Rawlins scoffs.

“You know better than that, Rawlins.”

“And you know I always end up getting what I want.”

“Good luck with that. After that stunt you just pulled, you’ll be lucky if you ever end up anywhere near her.” Billy hangs up and sets his phone carefully on the table so he doesn’t throw it in his anger. He had known Rawlins was behind the attack, he just wasn’t sure why Rawlins would be so fixated on you. Maybe Dr. Hobbs would have answers after she finished examining the blood and hair samples she took from you. Regardless of the results, Billy needs to move fast to make sure no one can take you from him.

“Speak of the devil,” Billy mutters to himself as his phone rings again. 

“Dr. Hobbs, what do you have for me?” Billy asks as he picks up the phone.

“She’s a Fate, specifically from the Clotho bloodline. Most commonly called Weavers.”

“Like Greek Fates?”

“That is a classic example.”

“And what’s that mean?”

“It means if you get her healthy, there are few creatures more powerful.”

“How few?”

“1 or 2 on each continent. Depending on age and species, maybe a dozen in the world.

Of course, that is assuming she is fully fed and confident. As is, a human could kill her easily.”

Billy growls at that. “How does she feed? She’s mentioned touch. What do I need to do?”

“It’s hard to say. There is very little literature about her kind. She would likely be able to tell you more than I can. It looks like consensual physical contact, generally from a particular person close to her, often called an anchor, is most effective.”

“And how do I find her an anchor?”

“I could only guess, Mr. Russo. Any answer I give you would be purely conjecture.”

“I understand. Tell me.”

“I think that the anchor is a more specific term for bondmate within this species. It’s likely that you may already be the equivalent of an anchor to her.”

*******

“Hey Matt, what’s up?” You mumble as you answer the phone. You had been trying to nap away your emotions.

“I have news, is now a good time to talk?”

“As good as any. What’s going on?”

“We have some bad news, Blue.” Foggy sounds apologetic.

“Lawyer bad news?”

“Unfortunately,” Foggy answers.

You tuck your legs up underneath you and grab your favorite throw pillow, pressing it to your chest as you put the phone on speaker. “Rip off the bandaid.” 

“Someone submitted a request for guardianship to the WBI.”

“Okay, we’re prepared for that, right?”

“We are. The difference with this request, is they have extensive evidence of positively received courting behaviors. They are alleging that there is already a bond being formed between the two of you.”

“That’s ridiculous! What courting behaviors?”

“Drinks, food, gifts, dates, and nights spent together.”

“I don’t do any of that with anyone. I mean except for our friends.”

“To make sure we are all on the same page, can you list your friends that you would engage in this behavior with?”

“If you make the definition of ‘date’ some sort of outing and ‘nights spent together’ as sleep overs, then it would be the two of you, Frank, Karen, and Billy.”

“No other dates, outings, or nights over with anyone outside of that list?”

“No, I only spend time with anyone else in work situations.”

“We have the evidence if you would like to review it.”

“Can you email it over?” You open your laptop and review pages and pages of documents, receipts, texts, even pictures of you.

“I don’t understand,” you say in confusion. 

“Are these accounts accurate?”

“Yes, this all happened. Um, can I call you back?”

“We really should talk more-”

You hang up on Foggy, pure disbelief shooting through you. Your stomach drops and anxiety prickles against your skin. Your breathing is quick and shallow.

This is all Billy. The coffee, the food, the zoo, game nights, Central Park, the site visit during the storm, the night after Stevens, the night after Central Park. All of this is Billy.

-----

Buckle up, yall.

[numinously-yours]

Hey so recently I've participated in @numinously-yours tarot Giveaway and I was lucky enough to be one of the winners. I received my reading in the video format as I chose the video option and she delivered it to me in just like two days?? Which was just so fast and quick, the reading was detailed and have so many insights and too good to be free. I had chosen the little prince and the other tarot deck which was just as beautiful as she asked me which one i wanted to get my reading done too and for clarification she chose the other one. She was sweet and kind as always and ger energy could be felt even through the screen.

CELTIC CROSS-TAROT GIVEAWAY FEEDBACK; Well definitely I'm a hopeless romantic so definitely a healthy relationship that turns into a marriage is important to me as well but currently I'm not looking for love and definitely taking charge of my life like you said. So yes whatever you said resonated from a pov of both love and life. And definitely i do long for a relationship deep inside. And definitely love definitely has a huge role or part in my life. Like I've always felt this feeling that it's like it's out there for me and I want it. Also you were right on my life and all like people wanting this to be a specific way and mme having those kind of expectations which i clearly don't enjoy because my way of looking and wanting things if very different from people around me when especially my family, also you were right on me having some kind of holdbacks because my parents had a terrible relationship growing up and it would be a lie if i say it didn't affected me so you were right on that as well where you picked up on something related to this and how it manifests into my fears as well, and yes expectations also influenced my life a lot. Also whatever you've mentioned in the reading made sense tbh it was very much more influenced with my life currently along with love ofcourse, and whatever you said resonated and helped me too. Like I've actually been told this that I definitely need to heal a lot and all like you said in order to meet my fs so that it can develop into something beautiful and also "transformations and healing" definitely has always came out a huge role in our relationship readings. Also changing perspective was on point to and it definitely made me realise stuff. I really deeply appreciate you doing this reading for me and i must admit your voice is as beautiful as you are and so is your smile like when in the beginning you welcomed me and in the end you said everything with your energy and smile it just made me feel so great!! Also you don't have to worry about the noises at all because there weren't any and I was able to hear everything. Once again thankyou so much to you, i hope you know your work is amazing and i really appreciate it. The tarot cards and decks were just so beautiful and i was happy to hear that they were your favourite as well. Haha. Have an amazing day ahead sending lots of love and kindness. 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

Thankyou so much it meant like a lot to me!!

Thank you so much for this feedback! I loved doing this reading for you. There was so much positive energy to channel - even when looking at setbacks/interference, it never felt like I could be brought down. There was only optimism to feel 😊

If anyone is interested in a reading, check out my etsy: Numinously Yours. Stay tuned for more free readings and giveaways!

[nikeiyomiurioverthinker]

So I ended up hyperfixating on the new post Linuj made so I translated the entire thing.

I do need to preface this by saying I don't speak Korean at all and everything I have written is based on Google Translate and vibes! Syobai is cussing a lot more than he probably should in this unofficial translation because of it.

I am also sorry if some sentences don't make too much sense, I'm trying with my limited English grammar knowledge.

Without further ado, here is the first Omake story, Queen of Despair, in a format that is probably going to be akin to that of the other Omake stories!

----------------------------------------------------------

I love despair.

It's good to see people suffering. Hearing yells and screams makes me unbearably happy.

To someone like me, the "Ultimate Despair" was a god-like being.

Over the past few years, the incidents connected to the Ultimate Despair have made me madly excited.

It was the first excitement and pleasure I felt in my boring life, and so I continued to savor it.

But there is no such thing as 'forever'.

In the end, Ultimate Despair was defeated by Ultimate Hope and the biggest, most awful, most tragic event in all of human history was almost over.

Humanity overcame despair and moved towards the future with newfound hope.

It was… it was despair for me.

My name is Taro Watanabe.

There are Remnants who love despair and live for it.

Despair is hard to survive these days.

Ultimate Despair was annihilated, and most of the remaining Remnants were either killed or imprisoned.

In recent years, since the world has regained hope, and the judiciary has been completely revived, not only are the Foundation guys roaming around, but also those government dogs.

For the Remnants who worship despair, the current situation could only be called 'despair-inducing'.

Taro: …It's here.

However, even in this hopeless situation, hope existed.

After much searching, I finally got to her.

To the Queen of Despair.

Taro: Three blocks northwest of the garbage dump, 15 steps in the direction of the church with a broken payphone…

Taro: !!!

No way… the information was real.

My heart started to tremble with excitement.

The person I am about to meet is so important, a mere plebian like me couldn't even dare to look her in the eye.

Rumors that have been floating around for months…

The rumors that there is a new "Symbol of Despair for the Next Generation" that erodes all hopes and calmly commits crimes that would shock even the Gods…

Taro: …Let's go inside.

A dark, dusty old staircase.

It was a ruin that ordinary people would not even pay attention to, but the atmosphere was somehow reassuring to me.

It was the energy of despair.

After passing through several stairs and corridors, I found a door that exudes unusual energy.

I took several deep breaths and knocked on the door with trembling hands.

Taro: …

???: …Come on in.

Taro: Ah…!!!

The air feels agitated.

At first glance, it sounds like a cute child's voice, but there is a terrible energy of despair hidden inside.

Just by hearing this voice, I knew that I had come to the right place.

I grab hold of my heart that is beating like crazy, without thinking about stopping…

Soon, carefully, very carefully, I opened the door.

The inside of the room was in much better condition than expected, compared to the door on the outside.

The dust of the ruins was still hanging in the air, but there was no time to worry about that in this room.

A feeling of intimidation filled the small room.

The moment that person came into my sight…

…I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

Iroha: …are you Watanabe Taro?

On the outside, she looks like an ordinary girl.

However, from her shady face and her unusual appearance, I could tell that she was absolutely not a normal human being.

She had the composure of a veteran who had gone through all kinds of battles.

I could tell by the way the leisurely laughed.

Taro: Ah…!!!

Taro:T-That's right! This is Watanabe, the one that contacted you!

For a moment, I had forgotten that she had called my name and just blankly stared at her.

This person is the "Symbol of Despair of the Next Generation" Iroha Nijiue.

A person who, at some point, became a legend among Remnants.

"Queen of Despair" "Enoshima Junko the 3rd" and "Next Generation Despair" were all names for her.

If you were to look at her actions, she was a member of an organization that kidnapped and killed the symbols of Hope for the next generation, she killed a member of the Kisaragi Foundation and…

She even has on her record swindling and murdering the broker "H", whose identity has recently begun to emerge to the surface.

Moreover, even after committing all of these actions, the government or foundations did not catch her, and her work is still ongoing.

And even though this must be Iroha, who is actually being chased by the world, she is still facing me so boldly.

To be honest, her appearance was a little different from what I expected, but…

Thinking that the Queen of Despair, who had committed such great feats, was right in front of my eyes, I started to get goosebumps all over my body.

Iroha: Yes, I received the letter and the aid money you sent.

Iroha: I heard you have brought more gifts…?

Taro: Yes! Yes! You're right! Here…

After saying that, I took out a small box from my bag and handed it to the Queen.

Iroha: …this?

Taro: Yes, actually, there was a bit of a scuffle with the Kisaragi Foundation guys all the way here.

Taro: After a fierce chase, one of them was decapitated. I wanted to show my spirit to the Queen…

Iroha: Deca…!?

Taro: Yes, he was a young boy.

Iroha: …you-

Iroha: you idiot!! Who asked for something like this!?

Taro: Hee! I'm- I'm sorry.

Iroha: Uh- hmm, besides, there was trouble with the Kisaragi Foundation, you said…

Iroha: Are you insane? To come all the way here in that state… what would you have done, if you had been tracked down by the agency?

Taro: That's…

Taro: I'm- sorry. I didn't think that far ahead.

That was definitely true. I did not think about that.

I was busy thinking about my meeting with the Queen of Despair, I ended up almost causing her a lot of trouble…

Iroha: If you truly are sorry, shouldn't you show it sincerely?

Taro: Sincerely… you mean?

Iroha: Get three more cheques ready. In addition to the funds sent today.

Taro: Three- three checks!?

Iroha: Can't you? If you can't do that much, would you rather I turn you into my servant?

Taro: Oh no- it's possible! Consider it done!

Iroha: …we prepared a SUV in the back of the building. Get on it and move it.

Iroha: First of all, we'll take you to the hideout. A detailed explanation will be provided by the officer there.

Taro: That- that means!

Iroha: …you just have to make up for your mistakes.

Iroha: Welcome. You are now an Ultimate Despair.

…I did it.

In this bleak world where hope swallows despair, I finally met the mother of despair and became a child of despair.

The hard life of the past is now over.

It wasn't until today that I became a member of the 'Ultimate Despair'...!!!

Iroha: Mr. Hashimoto!!

Iroha: What's with that guy!? Isn't he crazy!?!?

As soon as Watanabe Taro left.

There, the "Queen of Despair" started screaming and running around.

Iroha: No, why the heck would you give a person's head as a gift!?

Iroha: Who in the world would love receiving something like that…

Syobai: Well, if he was a normal person, would he come to people like us?

Syobai: Have you never seen a person with a severed head?

Iroha: Like once or twice!! Why would I want to see something like a human neck!

Syobai Hashimoto.

A broker operating only in the shadows.

After the Utsuroshima incident, his identity was revealed to the light, and his actions shocked many people.

But.

The public thinks that he died when the bridge collapsed while escaping from the Kisaragi Foundation.

As it turns out, it was Iroha Nijiue, who was with him, that managed to escape by disguising a corpse under the bridge as her own.

That's the truth known to the public.

Somehow, people seem to believe that Iroha Nijiue killed him…

That's the only truth that was known. Until now.

Syobai: Hey, bubblehead. Shut up… what the hell were those poor conditions earlier?

Iroha: Wh- what?

Syobai: Why the fuck only three? Three. These are bastards who would risk their lives in order to enter the "New Ultimate Despair".

Syobai: Even if you were to tell them ten, those are fuckers that would make the money by selling all their organs or some other shit.

Syobai: And you only asked for three cheques…? You've forgotten everything I taught you.

Iroha: W-well, but he seemed to be having a hard time already when I told him to give me three more cheques…

Syobai: And since when did you start caring about the "fish"?

Syobai: Those guys are all fucked in the head. Getting the money out of them is all that matters.

Syobai: We are just "baiting" them.

Iroha: …

Syobai: If you understand, prepare to move. I am going to take care of that guy from earlier.

Iroha: Yeah? But, uh… the three cheques?

Syobai: Didn't you hear what he said earlier? There was a scuffle with the Foundation guys.

Syobai: If even one of the chaser comes, it's game over for us. We received the aid anyway, so the goal was achieved.

Syobai: It's just three cheques, and it's better to deal with this guy here as soon as possible.

Iroha: Well, then this hiding place…?

Syobai: We most definitely need to move.

Iroha: Uh, but… this place was pretty good out of all the ones we've had so far…

Syobai: Hey, the way that guy grimaced over all the dust when he first arrived here tells us everything we need to know.

Syobai: Hey, I'll be back soon, so stay still here.

Iroha: …

Iroha: Hey… Mr. Hashimoto…

Syobai: What?

Iroha: How long do we have to keep living like this…?

Syobai: …

Iroha: "Queen of Despair" this, "Enoshima Junko the 3rd" that…

Iroha: By promoting non-existent fantasies like the "New Generation Despair"...

Iroha: This life of extracting dirty money using this fish and bait method…

Iroha: Are you really satisfied with this, Mr. Hashimoto?

Syobai: …

Iroha: O-of course, I know that we have no choice but to do this if we want to earn a living.

Iroha: That there is no other way for us as long as the judicial system is revived and the Kisaragi Foundation's power is so strong.

Iroha: But, well… we survived!

Iroha: We survived that hellish killing game!

Iroha: So, someday, this life of escape will end, and we will be able to return to our daily lives as decent members of society…

Iroha: So? How long do we have to continue like this…?

Iroha: If it's Mr. Hashimoto, you'll end up using a more daring method…

Syobai: Hey.

Syobai: What the hell do you think I am?

Iroha: Huh?

Iroha: You are… the world's greatest villain, who even stabbed Mr. Sannoji himself in the back… is that wrong?

Syobai: …Jeez.

Syobai: Hey, you. Listen carefully.

Syobai: I don't know what kind of fantasies you have made up about the person known as "Syobai Hashimoto"...

Syobai: But this is how I've always lived.

Syobai: Do you think that trash like me has lived a wonderful life?

Syobai: Trash lives by doing trash things.

Iroha: …

Syobai: If you're sick of this, then our deal is gonna be over starting today.

Iroha: Huh!?

Syobai: I've earned enough money to now be able to comfortably live in the shadows while doing other businesses.

Syobai: You can stop playing the villain that you hate so much.

Iroha: No! That's not what I meant…

Syobai: I have no interest in working with someone that still has lingering feelings for society.

Iroha: Okay you are right! All right, but if you disappear, I…

Syobai: Why are you clinging to me like that?

Syobai: You still have your "Divine Luck".

Iroha: That, but that's…

Syobai: You saw that on the bridge at the time, right?

Syobai: Maeda Yuki is alive, somehow, thanks to Divine Luck.

Syobai: Just like you used to look for Utsuro, why don't you look for him?

Iroha: Mmm, what… how can I…?

Syobai: Jesus, do I have to sit you down and spell things out for you?

Syobai: This conversation is over. It's a waste of time.

Syobai: I'm going to take care of that guy and disappear, so now you either live or die on your own.

Iroha: Ah, Mr. Hashimoto-! Sorry!! Please don't leave me…

*Siren starts playing*

Iroha: Wait, what is this noise…?

Syobai: …Ah, fuck.

Syobai: It's that thing that the guy from earlier came with.

Syobai: Those are the Foundation guys.

Iroha: Huh!?

Syobai: Judging by how loud it is, it's already too late to go to the SUV.

Syobai: I should have left right away without making any noise… shit.

Iroha: Ooh, what should I do!? What now!?

Syobai: …

Syobai: What to do, what to do…

Syobai: No matter what you do, you have to get out.

Syobai: Go, come with me!

…A disgusting story about disgusting people.

To begin with the conclusion of this short anecdote, those two managed to escape somehow.

However, did the chase last long, or did Hashimoto prepare safety measures for this type of situation?

Did he even establish the deal with Iroha Nijiue again…?

"Queen of Despair" would continue to appear after that.

With a minion in a suit wearing a crow mask.

It seems their deal isn't over yet…

[honeybeewhereartthee]

Crystal Hearts

Prequel: Part One: A Distance Dream ( Epilogue )

»»——Previous——- CH6 ——Next——-««

»»————-　file 000: A Distance Dream　————-««

For couple of days or it most be a week already, aira can't help but worry about you. You keep looking daze and ignoring everything around you. You rarely eat as much you did before.

Your so called cousin can't even snap you out of your trance either. Then at the 13 day of you mopping around all depress and no energy. You disappear out of the blue.

"Wataru-san do you see MC. We need to go to school." Aira waited in front of your house, that you shared with Wataru and his guardian.

"Oh my, little prince charming. You see, my adorable cousin most have enter their rebellious phrase quite early! They run away from home, last night! "wataru chuckle at the memories of you leaving the house barefoot and with a small note that says thank you and a daisy.

" What... WHAT DO YOU MEAN RUN AWAY? " aira cannot believe what he just heard from the clown.

"Ah. You know, kids those days often did that right?"

"Why are you not bit worried?!" The young light fae cannot believe that his hearing your cousin treat this so lightly.

He already felt dread and unnerving feeling in the pit of his stomach, it made him want to throw up so bad.

"WAHHHH! MC WHERE ARE YOU!?" Aira drop his bag at your lawn and went to look for you, if your cousin won't look or worry for you, he would look for you!

Wataru watch the young fae run, he cannot help but sigh and shrugged his shoulder looking at how energetic young kids those days are.

"My... I am worried for them too..." the older fae held out his hand, a daisy appear in his hand, his drops as he look down at it. "I am but a matchmaker and a guardian..." A hopeless smile appear on his face. He turn his back as he start to smile again.

"So, dear little prince. I leave it to you!" He suddenly surrounded with doves and disappear from where he once stood. A dove fly ahead and followed where Aira went as aira saw the dove, he clicked his tongue before he follow it as it head to the forest.

...

""But you see, that's not correct

Because you have chosen and

As a result, it's ironic how you're here

But shunned like you were a ghost."

Not from afar, aira heard someone singing deep in the forest, the dark forest seems to glow each steps he run deep. He remembers the last time he enter the place, it only brought nothing but fear to him.

But this time he don't even understand what kind of fear he once have before as he listen to your voice. Maybe the only fear he felt was unable to find you earlier.

"But you see, that's just fine

Don't gloss it over and say that's terrible

Because, I and myself, we're all ghosts

Very selfish ghosts."

When Aira find himself in the middle of the forest again, he remembers the words of the teacher, suddenly he might have a guess what cause you to act like this.

The dove land on a huge rock and watch the two with watchful eyes.

" M-MC..." He called out. He saw you seating in a field of black flowers full of thorns. "hmm? Oh it's aira." You yawn as you saw Aira from your sleepy eyes. Yawning every now and then.

"Aira~ I notice you have good online friends lately~ so you don't need me anymore... I for the sake to see you have a peaceful life, I most go back to sleep." You smiled but your voice cracks as you dislike your own choice, you thought about it, your teacher words pain you, because being awake is like a ticking bomb.

You can't even become a past tense because you cannot do so. Nothing seems to harm you in this world but your own emotions. You felt sick to be parted from Aira, Tarunii-san and people you know. But as the teacher said the world is at peace. It should stay that way.

"Please Don't step on the black flowers. " You wanted him but as he watch your eyes began to be more Droopy and sleepy, unable to open it more than a minute as if your slowly succumb to a sleep, he can't help but continue walking, toward the middle of beautiful poisonous thorns.

"Agh... Aww... it hurts! ...M-MC...!MC! A-are you g-gonna leave me...?" He don't know if the tears is out of the pain he felt from the noir or the pain he felt his going to be alone again. Even how many online friends he have, he still want your company.

"...geez." you sigh as you watch him reach out to your side and hugs you so tight as his tears continue to fall down. "Do you know, your so reckless like me too." You giggle as you hugs him back. You reach out to touch the noir flowers around his feet to be purified and it become beautiful white flowers.

You lean back and you saw Aira crying tears, you wipe his tears away and give a soft kiss in his forehead. His wounds glow and slowly heals.

"You cry so ugly." you joked and he sobbed even more. "Huhu... Sorry... Is that why you wannaaa leave me cause of that? S-Sorry...huhu mcc.....! Dddonnnttt leeaavvveeee mmmeeeee..." He weep large droplet of tears. "your also crying! Your not ugly through... Huhuhu..." He reach out to wipe the tears you don't know that slowly falling silently from your eyes.

"No. I don't want to leave you. " You take a deep breath to control your voice from slowly breaking apart to ugly sobbing.

"NO! BUT YOU STILL GONNA DO IT..." aira once again hugs you so tightly. "D-dont leave! Don't leave! O-or... L-let me j-join you! I don't care! I-i will j-join you even in the e-end of the w-world..." He don't want his true friend to leave him, the friend he found, his sleeping beauty.

Why would he want to be away when no one wanted to play with him, to give him sweets, to share laughter's and what about exo/blob? Who's gonna take care of the little bunny with him...?!

"mc, dont leave Mee... Dont leeaveee.. because... I dont know if I can wake you up againnn! Huhuhu... ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡ I'm not that aira... I'm just the aira of this world... I don't want to, I don't want to...! Please... Don't... If you... If you gonna sleep... I will sleep beside you...!" He felt so hopeless. His only friend wish to leave his side. He shouldn't be this selfish yet he can't bare it.

"... huhu.." you can't control your own tears and sobs as your just but a child. Easily influence by your own emotions. "I dont wanna.. b-but--... Y-you..y-you and everyone will suffer... I.. I am bad news..." You felt hopelessness as you circle your arms around your dead friend weeping and sobbing. As your tears fall to the ground, the noir flowers around you all become purified to pure white flowers.

"I-is... B-because y-your... The c-cute... Fae.."

"Ahaha... It's core fae..." you corrected him with a soft giggle through you still crying. " Hmm... I am... The t-third one..." Your mind went back to the teacher words. Your stomach drop at the memories.

"... MC! MC!" he called out to you. "Hmm?" You hummed as the two of slowly calm down from crying but continue to hug one another. "If... If you think your just a tool... I...I am here! Y-you don't need to think n-no one wants you or think your not important! Because I care about you! Your my friend! People would cry too if they know you suddenly be gone! S-so don't leave! It's p-probably a false alarm from o-old faes... S-so... So... D-dont leave me...."

He begged hopelessly.

"aira there's consequences in such words you know?" You sigh hopelessly. " I... I don't care... I will bare it... B-beside why do you have to burden all the old faes want. What if you don't want to save the world? Why does an innocent child have to bare it. I never understand it. MC don't need to do it... " He felt his being too selfish but the old faes Is more selfish in his eyes, in the story of the teacher, he wonder why would people let a child born not out of love but just a simple solution to something they are not sure off.

A life is precious like any other, so why does that child have to suffer the burden? Is that why they exist...? To be hated, to save what hates and loath them? To be called a sacrifice for greater good, to carry such burden when they did nothing but exist, to live and enjoy life but to give it away for selfish people in the world that don't even look thankful for their own action and blame them to exist because their existence cause the catastrophe to happened?

"MC... You don't have to carry the burden, to exist for others, please live and exist for your own decisions and search your dreams... Or maybe for me. But that's just me being selfish too." Aira emerald eyes stared at you (color) one.

"... Thank you Ai~" you smiled as you felt warmness of his words, that he truly care and treat you as someone equal, not as a so called core fae. "To be honest, the people who dislike me or the people that hate faes like me. They probably not the reason why other faes like me, would give their life for the world. Because there's someone like you, who care for them and it's enough to be willing to give what I can offer to make sure people like you stays alive and happy." You chuckle.

" That's why I wanted to sleep, because I want to stop what might happen dare in the far future. So you can live a long life without experiencing burden of catastrophe or experience an ending that no one wanted..." You look down at your hand, thinking about the days you spend with aira, wataru and people you meet in your days that would smile at your way and say hello and don't look at you with hate.

"Then your wrong, the first and second one is wrong too." Aira hands held your hand and intertwined it together.

" Because even if we live a long life, we will never be happy, the fact that we live exchange for a life of someone precious, someone dear to us. Would only bring us nothing but pain and endless sadness. That were hopeless, weak and nothing but someone who cannot change it. To give a hand and share your pain." His forehead resting against yours, the two of you stared at his hand and yours linked.

"... Ahaha.... I guess I'm indeed wrong..." You sigh hopelessly as you hear what he said.

"I'm sorry ai." You felt bad but happy, you can't help shed tears of joy and happiness. "I'm happy to meet you. Thank you very much..." You smiled.

"I'm happy to meet you too!" He finally smile as well. " MC, I want to grow up and live a long life with you, I don't care if your a core fae or dark fae or a human, because none of that matter, to me your my precious and very important friend." He added.

"Hmm, sorry ai. I'm a bad friend... Let me make it up to you." letting go of his left hand to wipe your tears and his. You reach out to grab a flower beside you. You tried to make a flower crown in one hand but failed.

"Oh wait ahaha. I cannot make it with one hand, imma let go of your hand for a moment." You chuckle and he laugh with you. At that moment Aira finally notice the black noir flowers have become beautiful blanc flowers as you make a flower crown.

"Oh! How did it happen?? Isn't this the flower in the text? A rare flower that..." He look at the beautiful flowers as you finish on your almost crappy flower crown and put it on his head.

"It's my first time making it. So it's kinda bad." You sigh dejected but you smiled when he seems to like it.

"Thank you!" He chipped.

[With tears of neither good or evil.

Flowers of darkness as night,

a poison of a bright light

Become a beautiful flower

Of hope and dreams.

Grant the wish of this little fae.

And bring happy tears and smile

To the wisher and dear friend of mine.]

As you say a spell you once read in a book, where a story about a noir flower that would be purified by a child of neither and both the darkness and light. That can grant a wish who ever see it. It's but a tale because only the first core fae able to make one.

The flower crown glow and vibrant as a aurora lace around it.

"Make a wish." You look at Aira eyes. "Through, I don't know how far I'm able to grant it. "

" Waahh... W-wait-- did that mean those noir flowers are..." He suddenly went pale as he too read the fact of the same flower.

┌──❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚─┐

aurora de Blanc the wishing flower

-> purified noir flowers.

( Noir flowers bloom from noir heart of hundred of faes, a very potent poison to all light fae)

-> happy tears of neither or both child of light and dark.

-> say the enchantment and it will grant your deepest desire.

└───❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚┘

"... I--..." He suddenly felt scared because he remembers it clearly. "Won't we get haunted by ghost .." he fidget.

"Ahaha. That's what your worried for? Ai already touching and grabbing the noir flowers since long ago, I keep healing you too. " You chuckle as you reach out for more flowers and they soon lace with aurora, you crash them to powders and put them to a glass container you have in your space.

"At this point, your immune to it now." You mumble as he watches you made all the other Blanc turn into powders.

"As for a ghost. Dead people can't do anything to the living. If so I will protect Ai." You wink at him.

" H-huh... I don't need protection..." He blush as he held blanc flowers, his going to make you a flower crown too!

You stood up and went to catch the dove watching from the huge rock. The dove don't protest. " Tarunii-san." You called as you, you give a aurora de Blanc to the him.

"Sorry I run away." You apologize. The dove peaks on hand as if nagging you.

"Coo-coo." The dove tilt it's head at your words.

" Mmmcccc where are you going..." Aira catch up to you after he was distracted for a moment on making the flower crown. "Tarunii-san been watching us since earlier. " You giggle.

" WAHH... He was?!" He can't help but be embarrassed as he remembers how he cry earlier. "B-but why is he a dove..."

" I forget. Your not ugly or anything. I just don't you to cry, because of me. Your more cute when you smile and happy." You remember calling him ugly when he cries earlier.

" W-wa... I-i..." He suddenly turn bright red when he heard you compliment. "(•ˇ3ˇ•) i-i won't forgive you for calling me ugly... Hmmp. Especially if you calling me ugly cause I am crying for you!" He cross his arms and pout. Through not really mad.

"H-here...!" He saw you seating on the rock and quickly put the flower crown to your head and smile at the pretty sight.

"Did you make a wish yet?" You put the dove on your shoulder and look at Aira. "N-no... I don't know what to wish..."

"That's ok. Even if you made a wish in a few years, it will be granted." You mumble."by the way." You look at the surrounding and back to aira.

"If you question why Tarunii-san is a dove when he enter this place. You see there's a spell in this forest. People who can enter without consequences are only those who either pure hearted, part of both light and dark or a core fae."

"if you enter this place with hatred in your heart, a noir will crystalized and the forest will eat you alive and become a fertilizer to the flowers. Hence the whole place have noir flowers. Those are from fae who are sent here to their doom. This place is forbidden for a reason. You can only enter it if your using a familiar or that your pure hearted child. Or that your like me." You point out.

" Eh... B-but I don't think I'm pure hearted..." He look down at his hands. " When I remember what the teacher said, I think I have hate grow in my heart, I dont like them... But I am too a selfish person.."

" Ahaha~ ai is not selfish. " You giggle. " This place have a weird thing about time and space. Maybe because I sleep in this place for so long and the amount of noir in here is too much it's no longer follow rhe flow of normal time and space. But the rules will continue to apply." You thought of it. " You can be considered as a core fae as long you have the heart of a core fae inside of you." You point out.

" In a distance Future... in a far future where what we chat here before will become nothing but a distance memories or dream that we will forget. Ai will one day have a core heart beating inside of you for a good or bad reason, we will never know... And the forest accepted you as one even in this moment for that far distance Future."

" W-what... " He don't understand what you mean, but won't having a different heart only mean, m-marriage...?! He suddenly turn bright red. "W-wha--.... Ahhh...." he suddenly slap himself as he only know your the current core fae of the era and that means.

"What are you thinking? " You look confuse at him as he slap himself and keep shaking his head with a blush permanently in his face and he keep giggling and like a coocoo in the head while mumbling about stuff.

"N-nothing."

"Ai, your so silly. " You giggle as you stood up from the rock your seating on. "I like that about you." You hummed. "I like ai."

"H-huh...?! L-like... Friends...??"

"..." You look at him before you turn your back. " I guess..." You mumble. You cannot believe this. You wanna cry but don't. 'dont cry, don't cry, don't cry... Smile..smile (｡•́︿•̀｡)... Why can ai be honest... no why can't I be honest...' you felt a single tears fall.

"Ah... I see." He become mick. He look down at his feet.

You and him become a silence for a moment, the dove can't help but face palm in the sideline.

"Aira is my bestie~ ahaha~ I love you bestie!" After taking a deep breath, you look back and smile. " WAHH. I love you too bestie! " He happily says back, the dove once again face palm.

'my head going to be hurt by those two! One refuse to be honest, the other refuse to push forward!' wataru thought as he want to question what's up with children those days. As aira and you play in the beautiful blanc garden, wataru watch in the sideline.

'a distance dream... long ago, the old one have a dream of a distance Future. With that dream, they start a shunned project, to create a child that carry their wish... A wish to pass the moment of catastrophe. To have another day of peace after the end... But the two who are the biological parent of the child want to protest about it, no longer they wanted their child to be use. Yet the baby was taken away. the parents that can't do anything, felt hopeless.

'Through they are free from their pose and able to love who they want, have their own baby without the order of the high council with someone force. The light fae have another child and the child was told a story of an older sibling, that is taken away, a tragic story that was told to his own child, on and on the story of third one is told to the next generation till... ' wataru thought of his own biological parents who told him such story. He sigh at the memories of before, he look at your smile as you play tag with aira who can't catch up to you.

"WAIT UP! WAIT UP!" the light fae called out with a smile.

"Noooo~ ahaha" you giggle as you run away faster.

" Coo-ooo..." The dove fly toward the two of you as Aira tackle you down to the flowers and start to roll around in the ground, the flower petal all fly around.

"Ah... It's Tarunii-san." You held out your hand and the dove fly and land on top of your hand.

"It's fun here..." You heard Aira mumble. "hmm... Let's go home tomorrow, I'm sleepy from running around." You yawn as aira held your hand. He too felt drowsiness and sleep, holding your hand in that beautiful flower field.

»»————-　PART ONE SUMMARY/NOTE　————-««

"MC" backstory/History so far:

MC exist to carry the wish of the old faes to survive a Catastrophe that is to come and destroy the multiverse, as based from a dream of a far distance Future and the said solution is a core fae that is a true child of both light and dark clan( have all the type of creature of a light and dark clan have. Ex: angel, demon, etc).

Their birth is planned and took almost a hundred years as it's a long process, there's many unwilling participants but they can't do anything.

They only be free from the order of the old fae-- or council if they have an offspring with another race under the same clan, this continues till mc parents are born and they too have to be force before they finally be free from the demanding and gasp of the crazy old faes.

Not including in the text book: MC parents who thought their child would be a mare tool just they were can't help but want to save young mc but they have no power against the government as they taken the child they are not able to name either.

MC was later put to sleep in a forest made to protect them till the right time comes, where someone wake them up-- which is Aira Shiratori.

-- but as the time went by since, MC parents who's finally free to start there own family of their own. The mother of MC have a child and told them the story of MC and how they wish they could stop it. And hopefully no one in their family would hate MC once they awaken in the far future and the so called "catastrophe" ever befall the world, such story pass on generation to generation till wataru biological parent too, told him about the child who will wake up one day and never hate them.

(This part is Based on Wataru Real Backstory in Enstar mix with my twist) At that time wataru is preforming tricks and fun show to anyone who would like to watch but no one stayed enough to watch enough till the end of the show as they get bored and never understand it.

Of course, but one invisible audience who been watching him since his first show. Who give him daisy and letters that say "thank you for the show" and "how they admire him for the tricks they did" but suddenly the invisible audience disappear one day.

( Error: "Wataru Hibiki" --some files cannot be loaded )

Wataru search for his fan and find Aira who come out of the forbidden forest that no one can enter with someone else-- "mc" and on the spot wataru adopted MC as his cousin.

»»————-　Extra info　————-««

(1) MC got rejected twice. Second was Aira.

-> in this story, mc isn't one to push or tell someone their feelings if the person won't be honest with theirs or that they are family-friend zone by them.

(2) MC learn baking and making sweets from nii-tan which is Niki. (If no one notice it. →_→: more info about this in next part) and over did it because wataru let em cook with no thought about the price.

(3) based on the year result, they get failing grade worse than Aira. only physical education did they ace it. But also failed in the same time.

(4) because In enstar lore, kohaku and Aira won't know they are each other chat mate till it's far in the future.

(5) the aira Shiratori that possess Aira of CH AU is Aira from MDD AU

»»————-　MC abilities　————-««

-> healing ( through kiss ) [ Light side ] -- only healed Aira as far in the story

-> purify noir [ Core ]

-> create living animal out of magic -- Blob/Exo [ Core ] -- only once.

-> a battle maniac [ Dark side ] -- it's an instinct to desire to win.

-> astral dreaming

»»————-　TAGs　————-««

(if want to be tagged pls comment or Send mail) Tag List : @valeriele3 @yinenovica

[skylerskyhigh]

Well, it's 10pm and I'm feeling like I should go make people cry and/or make them feel better.

---

The world was like an endless ocean that kept pushing me down, with waves that crashed all around me, and a stretch of water that feels so endless and hopeless. The people around me felt like the fishes that swam around me, not caring about how I was drowning, or they felt like sharks trying to eat me alive. The rock I was chained to would pull me down and I was drown, overwhelmed by all of the pressure and darkness and helplessness. I didn't have a boat, or a life jacket, or even anyone to reach me. Sometimes, trying to swim back to the surface felt like the hardest thing i had to do.

But I survived. I broke free of those chains. I snapped it in half and swam to the surface, finally able to take an easy breath of air. It wasn't entirely terrible, because I befriended a few fishes. I found solace in the brief encounters of kind souls that swam close to me and kept me company in a ocean that felt too large and dark. I look back at those moments fondly, remembering those fishes that felt like stars in the night sky. They were the lights in my life.

We made memories together. Those memories were like bubbles of light, pockets of air that glow and eminate a warmth that was a blessing at the time. Even if it was small, even if it was fleeting, those bubbles of light and warmth helped me go on. It was easier to focus on the light when you're submerged in darkness. My friends, those little fishes, were everything to me when I felt so lost and lonely.

But eventually, they swam away. They drifted away, the currents of life taking them away, and I was alone again. It hurt, but I understood. They can't be here forever, and I had to handle myself. I had to keep trying to swim upward, trying to keep myself afloat, and trying to keep breathing. It was tiring, and it felt like I was going to collapse a few times from exhaustion, but I survived. I held onto the bubbles of light like they're my lifelines.

Looking back on it, it feels bittersweet to remember those memories. While our friendship didn't last long, nor was it very deep, I cherished every moment of it. Every little bubble they gave me. What may have felt like a shallow friendship to others, was everything I needed to keep going. I don't think they know how much our friendship meant to me. But I wish, wherever they are, I hope they're happy.

I had to break free from my own chains. But I didn't have any tools, I didn't have any help, I didn't have any way to call for help. So I tugged at the chain, working on it little by little, still trying to keep myself afloat. I eventually broke free of my chains, broke it in half and the rock fell, finally allowing me to breach the surface and take an easy breath. It wasn't easy. But I made it, and that breath of fresh air, free from my chains, tasted so sweet.

So I began to float on the surface of the water. My body was so weak and tired. I was exhausted. I couldn't muster the energy to swim. I was too relieved with the breath of air that I didn't care. Like a plank of wood, I drifted. I drifted on the ocean, letting the waves and current take me anywhere it wanted. I conformed, I followed, I allowed the sea to move around me and take me along. I didn't care. All I wanted was to keep this easy breath.

The whole time, I left behind bubbles. Little bubbles of light, made by my own breath, and let it float away into the sea. It wasn't much. It felt so faint and flickering, too small to be enjoyed. Sometimes it was too sad to be enjoyed. But I let it drift off, like sending a wish into the sea. It was my way to release all of my air, to help me breathe easier.

"Maybe someone will like them," I said. Those bubbles saved my life, once upon a time. Maybe they will save someone else's.

Then, I noticed the other bubbles around me.

They were like stars. Bubbles, everywhere. All around me. Bubbles made by so many people, all of them sharing their stories. They were different sizes, and shape, and color. These bubbles attracted do many people, all sharing the same interest.

I loved it. For a moment, while staring at these bubbles of light, it didn't feel like I was adrift in the ocean. It felt like I was floating in space, surrounded by stars.

It was nice. So I kept floating, and I kept making bubbles. Maybe someone would enjoy them, the way I had enjoyed others.

Along the way, I met my best friend and platonic soul mate. A friendly squid. They were following my bubbles, all while making their own bubbles. I was amazed by this squid, they came to my world amongst this sea of fishes, and they waved. I waved back.

"We're friends now," I said with a smile, happy to have another friend to keep me company in this endless sea. I never expected this squid to be my other half.

With a heart so big, and eyes so bright, they clung onto me. Now on the surface of the ocean, I floated, with the squid by my side. They liked my bubbles, and I like their bubbles.

We stayed together.

We traded stories, both bright and dark. We braced the rough waves, holding onto each other for support as we were battered around. We endured the harsh weather that seemed to be endless. We held onto each other when the sharks tried to get us, but we refused to let go. So much pain, struggle, and sorrow. But through it all, we are together.

We kept each other afloat, on the surface of the ocean. I wondered, many times, when my squid friend would leave me. I wondered when the currents would take them away from me. But they never did. They clung onto me, refusing to even loosen their grip.

"You're stuck with me," They said.

It felt nice. Just the two of us, bracing the world together.

But... we can't stay floating forever. I can't stay floating forever. Because floating around would get me nowhere. Drifting, staying afloat, and letting the currents take me everywhere... it was a way to survive. But I don't need to survive anymore. I needed to move on.

I'm struggling with that. I've been adrift for so long, all hevause I fell into the trap of false peace. I was too relieved to be able to breathe that I forgot that I was still in the ocean.

Sad, and hurt, and scared... I didn't know what to do. And I've never felt so lost.

Then, my squid friend turned to me and wrapped me up in a hug.

"It's okay," They said. "I'm here. I'll help you."

"Why?" I asked. "Why are you still with me?"

"Because I care about you."

"I'll only hold you back."

The squid shakes their head. "Never. You will never hold me back. You've never held me back."

"What if I bring you down with me? I'll only be an anchor."

"Then I'll be your boat. I can carry you with me."

The squid wrapped me up and we lock eyes. Their eyes burn like the stars above, bright and full of fire.

"You may feel lost right now, but you're not alone. You are never alone. I'll always be with you. You're never getting rid of me."

I smile sadly. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn't have believed them. But this is my friend. My friend, whom I cherish and care so much. I know their words are the truth.

"And what if I sink?"

"Then I'll be there to bring you back up."

"...Thank you."

I pull my friend into a hug, clinging into them as I cried.

"You're not worthless," my friend said. "Look around you. Look at what you've done."

I took a glance at the sea around me and my eyes widened.

In the mist of my despair, I didn't notice the amount of bubbles I had created. I had missed the amount of fish around me. What was once an endless darkness is now filled with stars and sea creatures.

"Look at it all," my friend said. "You did this."

I stare. "...But it doesn't matter to the rest of the world."

My friend holds my hand tightly. "For now, maybe. But that doesn't mean it isn't a start. That doesn't mean it isn't the beginning of something."

They pull me and I follow.

"Look up."

I followed their word and I was met with the sky above me. Inky black, and endless space so vast that I couldn't see where it began or where it ended. But it was beautiful, because it was full of twinkling stars.

I stare in awe at the bright lights that shine and sparkle in the endless darkness. Some of them are gathered in spots, while some are scattered all around. They fill the black space with their light.

"Is this not like the one we have?" My friend asked. "What you are creating?"

I look around at the space around me, where the bubbles of light are floating. They look similar to the stars above.

I stare in silence.

Similar, but not the same. How could I ever hope to reach the same beauty as the stars? How could I ever dream to reach the sky that's out of my grasp?

My friend gave me an understanding look.

"You can do it," They said.

"I can't even find my way out of this ocean," I argued.

"Not yet. But you will."

I stare at them with a pleading yet sad look. "Do you really think I could?"

My friend smiles. "Of course. You'll be great."

I shake my head in denial but my friend stopped me.

"I know you'll be great," They said firmly. "Trust me."

"I do trust you."

"Then trust when I say that you can do it. You'll make something just like the sky above us. You'll make the world a brighter place."

I look around me. "But I'm still lost."

"You won't be lost forever. You just need to move."

"But I don't know how."

"I'll help you," my friend assured. "And I'll be here right by your side as you move."

I hesitated. I look away. "It's hard."

My friend hugs me. "Healing always does."

The words stuck me like a cord. I clung onto them and cried.

"It'll be okay. I'll be here. You can do this."

When the next day comes, I started to swim.

It was tiring. My muscles are tired and underused. I couldn't get very far and I was on the verge of crying. I couldn't even get far.

My friend stayed by my side. It's okay, they said. It's a start. We'll try again another day.

Another day passes and I swim for a bit.

My friend cheered me on.

We leave behind more bubbles as we pass. There are fishes now, I didn't notice them before. The fishes waved at us.

We like your bubbles, they said. You're amazing!

I smiled at their kind words. I thanked them for their support.

I continued swimming, using the kind words of my friends to keep me going.

It may take a while for me to reach land. It might take weeks, months, or even years. But it'll be okay. I have friends that I've made along the way.

As long as I have their light, I'll keep going. Even the tiniest light helped me push through the endless darkness.

Even the faintest light kept me alive.

So I'll live. I'll keep moving.

I'll live for the light.

[brolantra]

“Everyone deserves to be happy”

WRONG, I don’t agree. Serial abusers, malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, rapists, etc— these people’s happiness derives from going out of their way to hurt others. They don’t deserve to be happy at all and that’s a hill I’ll GLADLY die on 🪦

These people have ugly hearts. Ugly souls. Any redeeming quality they may have will always be outweighed by this fact. They try to hide it but they can only wear their masks for so long before it slips. It’s even worse when they convince themselves they’re actually good people, while leaving a trail of victims who all wanted to believe in their so called “goodness” traumatized & hopeless. It’s happened to me and multiple people that I love.

They prey on people who have deep wells of empathy on purpose. And they all use the same playbook, that’s how you know. Wounded wicked children, trapped in adult bodies.. if you’ve seen one abuser you’ve seen them all. & They steal something from you that is sooo hard to get back. Me personally, it’s taken every ounce of energy I have to recover from the level of abuse I’ve endured. It’s very isolating living under the weight of the story I’ve lived. No one understands. I can count on one hand how many people truly care. It’s disheartening at times but still I press forward.

Ya know, we’re always told that we shouldn’t judge people. But the literal definition of discernment is “the ability to judge well.” Righteous judgement will save your life, it’s saved mine many times. Recognizing patterns will save your life too. These people don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, ever. Because their mission will always be to hurt, control, & misuse others. They wouldn’t be able to get away with their horrendous behavior if they didn’t have multiple people who support them in their nonsense. They’re nothing without their enablers & flying monkeys.

You can have empathy for them by acknowledging and understanding that they are human and there are a lot of factors that go into why they are the way they are.. but that doesn’t give them a pass to be terrible human beings. We have ALL been through shit. I don’t know a single person who’s had it “easy.” But not all of us allowed our pain to corrupt our hearts or our character. I hate to over-simplify but that’s a fucking choice they made and continue to make, no one can change my mind about that.

I’ve come to find that wishing for their healing is futile because most of them enjoy being the way they are. They do everything in their power to not be “found out” and have absolutely no intention on changing. They typically team up with other abusers to help control the narrative and keep their victims silent or at least keep them odd man out. Tarnishing their name, dragging it through the mud.. so if or when they do come forward, it’s less likely they’ll be believed. Which is disgusting by the way.

Everyone loves the diddy jokes.. but I wish more people had backbones and stood up against the abusers in our very own communities. We ALL know somebody who’s an abusive piece of shit.. most people pretend to not see it tho. Or they justify other peoples actions cuz they’re just like them frfr and condemning that would force them to condemn themselves too. Their egos won’t allow that. The people that DO see it and attempt to do something about it gets treated as if they are the problem. It’s backwards. Because ultimately A LOT of people lack honor and courage.

I’ve been fighting my own battle ALONE for a long time because people care too much about not rocking the boat or causing waves. People make excuses for these motherfuckers because that’s easier & more comfortable than having integrity & courage in the face of adversity. This is why I stay to myself and I don’t deal with a lot of people. There is no reward for being a damn coward. Or a doormat. Ive distanced myself from that energy altogether.

I’ve stood up for people who stood back and watched my abusers rake me over the coals. There are so many times I NEEDED support from MY people and I didn’t get it, but my abusers got all the solidarity & loyalty in the world. So many times people have straight up REFUSED to pick a side.. outright supported my abusers in my face while still pretending to care for me. In cases of psychological abuse & sexual abuse, people absolutely should pick a side. The right one. And you shouldn’t have to strong arm anyone into doing the right thing.

Choosing to be neutral automatically sides you with the oppressor. It’s been heartbreaking, but it has also made me stronger and more assured in my plight.

I have an extremely strong sense of justice.. once upon a time it felt like a burden because we live in a “it’s not that deep” society.. but I can’t just turn it off. I’ve tried. Nowadays I choose to see it as the gift it was always meant to be. Regardless of what I’ve experienced, I’ll always stick up for others as much as I do for myself. Cuz that’s just who I am. I know my purpose is to be a healer.. a leader.. and to help others by sharing my story… I intend to do just that.

I will always choose to have empathy for myself first. I will always choose to have empathy for those who have been victimized, but didn’t let that darkness take root in their heart, first. The extent of empathy abusers get from me is, I’m sorry for whatever made them the way they are.. but I’m STILL gonna call a spade a spade! No one forced these people to be terrible human beings. They chose that because they feel entitled to it. Mind you this is coming from someone who was diagnosed with a long list of mental ailments, struggled for a VERY long time, and has done everything in my power to not make people pay for other peoples mistakes. I could be like them too, but I chose differently. It’s a CHOICE.

Nothing will change until there is a collective effort to hold these people accountable. People can write whole dissertations on celebrity news and stuff that don’t really matter but don’t wanna hear people talk about any of this. I’ve always found that very odd.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve seen and heard people say they don’t care about healing or anything of the sort- at all. They roll their eyes as soon as they see or hear anything about healing from abuse and trauma. Whole time these same people have kids who are growing up in this twisted world.. having that attitude toward healing is doing everyone around them a disservice. Teach your kids to have a backbone and to stand up for what’s right. Teach them to have integrity and to stand up for others. Teach them that courage is the most important virtue, because you can’t do anything worthwhile without it. We don’t need anymore cowards. Enough is enough.

As far as my abusers go, I hope they know I gave them ample amount of time to be accountable and to do what’s right. Seek help. Stop treating me and everyone around them like trash. Stop the psychological and spiritual warfare… time is up and it just is what it is. I refuse to be manipulated ever again. And I refuse to be anybody’s victim ever again. I hope they’re ready, because it’s been a long time coming but I WILL PUBLICLY tell my truth. I’ve just been waiting for God to give me the okay. God told me it has to be from a place of love and not revenge.. took me a while but I’m finally there.

Along the way I realized, because of the love I have for myself, I can’t sugar coat it and I can’t down play anything that’s been done to me. It will probably still be received as if I’m vengeful , but that’s fine. GOD tasked me with this & no one can stop it. It’s my destiny & it’s the only reason God allowed me to go through what I’ve been through in the first place.. I got cycles to end.. people to expose. Ancestors to free. That’s the assignment. That has always been the assignment.

My inner strength is my biggest asset and I’m not afraid of any of these people.. that’s exactly why I was chosen for this particular mission. That’s why I’ve been targeted so many times in my life. I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count how many people have gone out of their way to try and break me in this one life time. And I’m only 30. I might bend a little.. and it might hurt for a while.. but I’ll never break, or fold. My inner strength is the one thing no one has ever been able to take from me, no matter how hard they’ve tried.

I’ve been gearing up to out my main abuser… others will come later. I genuinely didn’t want it to come to this.. I just wanted to heal and move on but this part of the process.. I can’t ignore or forgo. I’ll never know true peace until I do this. My inner child needs this. Current me needs this… it has to happen. I fought it for so very long but God called me to do this YEARS ago. 2016/2017… every path I’ve taken away from my destiny has been destructive and devastating. And I know the longer I avoid this the longer it’ll take to get me where I’m going. It’s a necessary step.

Most people could never even guess the shit I’ve been through, I know it’s gonna shock a lot of folks… I’ve come so far tho and I know my story will help people.. people who went through the same type of abuse and torment I went through. I know I’m not the only one with a story like mine. It’s kind of scary tho… carrying the destiny I know is on my life. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but God has taken me down a path that has made me very strong. If I can withstand what I’ve been through, I can withstand going public with my story. And everything that comes with that.

I’ve been working on a blog, with the sole purpose of making my story tangible. It’s quicker than writing and publishing a book and I can’t put it off another year or whatever.

Looking forward to putting this weight down once and for all. I don’t want to be angry anymore.. I don’t want to hurt anymore.. my anger has purpose tho and I’ve earned it. From the bottom of my heart…. I just wanna be free man. That’s all it’s ever been about. ❤️‍🩹

[breathenbounce]

TRUE HAPPINESS

Throughout my life, I haven't made the best decisions. I went left instead of right when I should have stayed right and vice versa. I have hit when I should pass. I chose violence when things didn't go my way like a bratty little boy. I tried to bully when people made mistakes, and I couldn't take criticism to save my life. I felt like there was never a choice for me. I had to be this angry, disgruntled, young man and I was raised to believe that was the way it had to go. For years I believed that lie, felt sorry for myself when I caused all the havoc and chaos. Now I know better.

We tell ourselves stories to make ourselves feel better. Whether justifying terrible things we did to people, giving up on something we were working on, or procrastinating on something we need to take care, it's more comfortable to do so. We want to feel that feeling that we don't need to change. And beside do you know how much work we would have to do to change? Man forget that noise. However, I made the decision to get better, and it has been hard, hard work.

Every time I thought I was doing better, I was quickly slapped with the realization that I had more to learn. I had more layers of the onion I had to peel, and yes, they made me cry. I had a therapist who told me I needed to shed the asshole skin. I was nowhere near where I needed to be. And the thing was, when people challenged me on it, I would get really upset defensive and you guessed it, angry. I think I wanted the world to see what I was feeling and although many people said they saw changes; it wasn't everyone and deep down in my gut I knew there was still more layers to remove.

I would find myself on Facebook crying about my life and how unfair it was. One of the biggest lessons I have learned, and it's a stinger, is you are responsible for everything that happens to you. You make decisions, take risks, roll the dice if you will, and the outcome always is different. Sometimes favorable, sometimes not. However, I need to know I am the one who holds the keys. I drive the car as much as I can within reason. I blamed other people for their reactions to me, when in reality I pushed really hard. Yes, I have borderline, and that is something we do. However, that does not give me an excuse to be a shitbird.

One of the things I really have learned and honed in on is its always a good idea to think about how things affect other people. Then you ask yourself, would I like someone to do that to me. See I really didn't have the respect for myself that I should have. I would talk badly about myself, feel hopeless and depressed, and I took that out on people constantly. Even when I knew I was wrong and trying to grow. It really hurts to see what your experience has been, and how some people don't have the same experience you had.

Since my trip to Arizona, I have learned a lot about energy. How to attract good energy and how to do things differently. I faced many of my demons head on and did some amazing work. This summer I was forced to confront a lot of the stories I told myself finding out that many of them were bullshit. So, I had to do what any good yogi would do, I had to let that shit go man.

Once I did, things opened up. I realize I do have a say in what happens. I am practicing the art of response versus reaction. Noticing how I feel when I get triggered and remember it is I who assigns a trigger meaning. No one else. I am in full responsibility of what I say or do. I own all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly; all of it. I have finally come to terms with this.

The yin-yang is the merging of light and darkness. There is not one without the other, We can pride ourselves on that we do nothing wrong, but we are perfect. However, we are good if we continuously hold space for ourselves for self-love and forgiveness. Understanding practice makes progress, not perfection. Live life one breath, one moment at a time and feel everything and cherish it. And feel grateful for all of it.

And that my friends, is true happiness.

Love and namaste

M

[blackasmyhangryfurrybrokensoul]

I open my eyes and everything is blurry. I feel anxious and confused and I couldn't tell you why. I could guess. Fabricate. But neither of us are wiser on whether there's any real value or truth to it. I shake and cry myself to sleep.

I open my eyes with passion and anger. "I finally understand" I think. I have the courage to run away. The "courage". I feel frustrated and like everyone is being unjust to me. That my life is unjust. I lash out. I start arguments. I make everyone feel worse cuz I think it'll make me feel better. Make me feel in control. Confirm that what I feel is real. I go to sleep waiting on a conclusion to an irrational argument.

I open my eyes from terrible sleep. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel confused again. I disagree with who I used to be. I want to go back. To fix things. I'm in too deep. "What have I done?" I feel like an asshole. I go to sleep hopeless.

I open my eyes but I can't get up. I lay there for hours. It's static. I'm static. I have no motivation. What's the point anyway. Everything is grey. Everything is quiet. I am defeated. I don't know why I do anything. I want to give up. I want the pain to end. I want certainty, however that can come. I don't care what happens anymore. Except I do. If she said the right words, maybe everything would feel better. But I was the one who messed up. It'd be fucked if I expected comfort. I go to sleep, and it feels just like being awake.

I open my eyes and the sun is shining. I feel fine. Maybe even good. I feel alive. I'll be fine no matter what! Life is fun!! Everything is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA LIVE FOREVER

and then i don't. And I feel so confused because why would I feel so happy? Everything SUCKS! Am I delusional??? Insane??? You've been causing pain to everyone, YOU'RE in pain, so why are you acting happy??? It felt so real but i don't believe you for a second. No I want to hurt you. Punish you for your happiness. YOU are fucked inn the head. YOu should know that. EVERYONE should know that. Imagine? Imagine a giant sign above you to make that glaringly obvious???? OHHH HOW SATISFYING WOULD THAT BE. IF EVERYONE COULD SEE THE SPIDERS SEEPING FROM MY EYES. OH GOD OH GOD I COULD MAKE ART AND THEY COULD ALL SEE IT. HAHAHAHA IMAGINE THEIR FACES WHEN THEY HAVE TO CONFRONT MY PAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHahaha....... I wanna die

I am justified in my pain. I feel insane. I am actually happy. I am gonna fuck up. I should let them know what I think. I am gonna hurt them. I am right. I am crazy. There's a reason I feel this way. I don't trust myself. Maybe talking about it will help. I can't tell if what I feel is even real anymore. I've felt like this for forever. I disagree with how i felt 12 seconds ago. There is no way this isn't real. There's no way I really thought that was real. I wanna leaVe. I wanna stay. I gottaleave. I gotta stay. It's kinder to leave. It's kinder to stay. It's better for me if I leave. It's better for me if I stay.

And I go to bed.........conflicted. And I wake up the same. It goes on for weeks.

I wake up exhausted. I shake my head at the past and move on with my day. I get things done. My energy is back. I'm out of bed. Fuck all those feelings, I feel calm and rational now and I don't see why there's a problem. Get over it, you're overreacting. Things are fine, things can be fine, if you let it be fine. And it lasts like this for less than a week.

I go to sleep sick of everyone and with a terrible and frantic feeling.

I open my eyes and everything is blurry.

[psychopompstories]

By Fire

Author’s Notes: Follow-up story to “Tough Life”. 

Content Warnings: Wildfires, death

"I hate fire," Egg muttered. Nearby, plumes of smoke rose from distant trees, and the horizon was stained the colour of sunset at midday. 

"You hate everything." Cat looked down on us with an air of luxurious boredom. I think she did that just to taunt me. Dogs, cats, trees...everyone knows how that story goes. 

Egg's feathers puffed up. "I hate you."

Two of us answered at the same time. "We know." 

"Jinx." Panting from the oppressive heat, I lolled my tongue in a grin at Crow, who just tilted her head at me with black eyes full of wry amusement. 

"Honestly though," Egg said, to various sounds of resignation from the rest of us. Here we go. "If they took better care of this world and stopped mucking it up with carbon emissions and plastic --"

"Egg," Crow rasped, "snap your beak."

"I'll snap your beak," the little bird mumbled, but sank into himself a bit when Crow fixed him with a glare. 

"He has a point, you know." Everyone, including Egg, stared at Cat. She made a show of stretching, digging her claws into the bark, then sat up with prim hauteur. "If they destroy themselves, we'll be out of a job." 

Crow's laugh was quiet and hoarse. "Is it a job when they don't pay us?" 

"I just don't understand!" Egg made a sound like a dog toy being squeezed. "They know they're killing things! They know this isn't sustainable!"

"They knew lead, radium, mercury, and cigarettes were poison too, and that didn't stop them," I said. It was an old, tired argument. "People are brilliant and stupid at the same time, Egg. Sometimes they're beautiful and sometimes they're horrifying. You should know that by now." 

"I do know," Egg insisted.

"You really don't," Cat said. 

We all had our specialties. We've diversified, but we all felt drawn to a certain kind of energy. We were often called to a specific type of death. Cat understood violence. Murder. War. Messy, bloody, and brutal. 

Egg had nothing to say to that. 

“The wildlife has suffered the most,” Crow said. “There haven’t been many human deaths.” 

“Yet.” Cat sounded calm and certain. 

“Why are you here, anyway?” Egg asked. 

“You think all of these fires happen naturally?” Cat gave him a bland stare. “With fires like these, all the arsonists come out of the woodwork.” She tilted her head. “Have you ever seen flesh melt from bones? Lungs seared from smoke? Slow death from heat expos--” 

“Ok!” Egg rustled all of his feathers and shook himself like a bird in a bath. “Yes! I get it, it’s terrible!” 

“Yes, it is,” I agreed with feeling, hoping they wouldn’t get into yet another one of their legendary spats. I’ve said it before, but I said it again. “We’re not here to judge them, Egg. We’re just here to see them off.” 

“But Dog...” I winced at his hopeless tone. “Isn’t there anything we can do?” 

“Some of them are trying,” I pointed out with a sigh. “A lot of them, in fact. But more of them don’t want to face the death of their entire species. They can’t. Humans have never been good at grasping death in large numbers, Egg, we’ve seen it before, so many times. How do you expect them to react to something that threatens literally every single one of them?” 

There was a moment of silence while Egg squirmed and fluttered, and then he let out a shrill screech of frustration and flew off to where the humans were struggling valiantly to douse the inferno. I sighed again and looked up at Cat, who just flicked the tip of her tail at me and watched him go in silence. 

There was a rustle from Crow, whose head had turned to look off into the distance. “Ah. Another old one gone.” 

I raised my head from my paws. “Do you want me to...?” 

“No,” she said. “Stay. The humans trying to fight will want to stay and keep fighting if they fall, and you’re better than I at convincing them to go. I’ll take this one.” She spread her wings and flew off towards the beach. 

Leaving me with Cat. Not my favorite of the bunch, but she and I had learned to work together despite our differences long ago. We didn’t talk to fill the silence...we rarely do. We just watched the landscape burn together, and waited for our cue. 

[nonpracticinghumanbeing]

(Hey, guess which terrible little ball of anger I'm writing about yet again. Also, this is basically therapy for me. So tw for mental health issues, past trauma and a lot of self-loathing I guess? Lol.)

I write A LOT about Izzy. Both here and on Facebook. And I have very strong opinions about him, which causes really violent reactions from some people (including being called an abuse apologist for merely pointing out that he believed he was doing the right thing when he made a deal with Badminton and one person actually comparing him to a certain genocidal Austrian painter). I really DO understand why people hate him, he's a terrible abusive man and for many viewers his behaviour may be triggering. That's absolutely valid.

But. The more I think about it the more I understand why he's so important to me. And not just because we're both sad little masochistic boys, even though I don't think I'll ever get over getting proper representation when it comes to kink being an integral part of my identity. I also see something of myself in how terribly broken he is. As someone whose parents' treatment made them struggle with anxiety their whole adult life, I really sympathise with him even though I do realise he's a truly awful man.

You see, when you've been conditioned to believe there's something inherently wrong with you, it really changes you. You learn to hide who you really are and you create a person you present to the outside world that you only claim is you. You wear that as an armour meant to protect you from the world. You believe no one would ever accept the real you, so you spend all your energy on pretending to be what you think is acceptable. You learn not to talk about how you feel, because you can't risk exposing yourself. You take everything that hurts, lock it in a box, put that box under your bed, and throw away the key.

When every single day is a struggle, you become hyperfocused on staying alive in a hostile world. You have neither time nor energy for anything else when you're fighting for survival. Things like love or happiness are for other people, you can't pay them any mind 'cause if you slip up it may actually kill you.

So you find whatever it is that lets you get by and you cling to it for dear life, because your life may literally depend on it. (I have my routines that keep me stable, he has his lager-than-life legend of a captain who makes him feel safe.) And you become pathologically protective of it. If anyone threatens your source of stability, you put everything you have into making them go away, because however unhealthy your way of life is, you can't even imagine an alternative.

Years pass and nothing changes in your life, because you can't afford to let it change. You see people around you thrive and live their best lives and you just don't know how to do that. So you become angry, and you become frustrated, and you become violent. And sometimes you are violent towards those around you and sometimes you are violent towards yourself. And you come to hate your life, but at the same time you're too scared to do anything about it.

And then - if you take a second to stop and think, something I've been lucky enough to finally manage and that Izzy desperately needs - one day you realise just how hopeless it really is. That surviving is not living. That the armour you've been wearing all those years has long since become your skin and you don't know how to be yourself. And that if you want to start making things better you need to pull that old box from under the bed and deal with what's inside. And that is TERRIFYING, and it hurts like hell, which is why many people choose not to do it their entire lives.

So. What I wanna say is that I think I understand what he's going through. Yes, he's an abuser and a homophobe, and a racist. But I don't think he's inherently evil. As @internerdionality once wrote, both him and Ed are abusive because they are afraid and not because they take pleasure in hurting people. That doesn't make it alright by any means, but it makes me want to see Izzy get a redemption arc. Con saying that Izzy wants to be better but doesn't know how was like getting fucking stabbed for me, because that literally was me for years and years before I managed to get myself even a little bit together. That along with Daddy Jenkins' way of smashing cliches makes me want to believe he can get a happy ending. Because yes, I take this personally.

[bluedalahorse]

Thanks for posting this, OP! I really like it.

Kristina is one of my favorite characters in the show (in part because Pernilla August is such a phenomenal actress and radiates power and vulnerability in every single one of her scenes.) When I say Kristina is one of my favorites, I do mean I glare at her a lot and get angry and yell at her when she’s terrible to Wilhelm (the brunch scene at the end of season 2 reminds me painfully of some of my own family dynamics) but I’m also never not compelled by whatever’s going on with her.

One of the things about being young is that you think the adults in your life have everything figured out about how to take care of you. One of the things you realize as you become an adult, especially an adult who cares for young people in any capacity, is that you don’t have everything figured out and you have to make things up as you go along. You can of course build skills and empathy for the young people in your care, but not every young person is the same and you can’t apply what you learn from one interaction to every interaction. Kristina… hasn’t quite learned this yet. Wilhelm frequently has to remind her he isn’t Erik. I have this sneaking suspicion Kristina went into Wilhelm’s teenage years feeling a little overconfident, like, okay, she got really good at the “here’s when you get a girl to sign an NDA” and “don’t get anyone pregnant” speech with Erik, and expected she could do the same with Wilhelm, and then she could spend more energy being queen and getting photographed on yachts or something. And then everything went differently, and Wilhelm, now crown prince, is this hopeless romantic who calls her in the middle of meetings about how the world is going to end because the boy he likes is on a date with someone else. She loves her son a lot, but… what is even happening?!? Kristina’s meticulous planner notes did not prepare her for this. She really gives off the impression of someone who is completely out of her depth, but who has no idea to show it because she’s basically been brought up to project competent calm, and never vulnerability, in all situations. I don’t like how she responds to Wilhelm and the impact it’s going to have on him. (There’s a line where it sounds like she may have been to therapy too, and she’s weaponizing it against him—can’t remember the exact wording but I discussed it with @heliza24 so maybe she can weigh in on this.) At the same time, as someone who is younger than Kristina but old enough that I know what that feeling of being out of depth when you’re supposed to be the adult in the room, I can’t help but find her sympathetic at the same time. It’s confusing.

When adults feel out of their depth in that way, it’s easy for them to forget the power that they have in a situation. I do think royal protocol backs Kristina into situations where she feels like she has to accept things like August as Wilhelm’s backup, but I also think Kristina has far more power to change things than she realizes. (Girl, just rewrite the rules of government, it’s not that hard! And yes I know it’s like, actually a whole process, so please read the previous sentence with the intended affectionate facetiousness.) Similar to the way Wilhelm had to process some of his own feelings of vulnerability and grief to understand the role privilege played in his relationship to Simon, Kristina has to do the same in her relationship with Wilhelm. That’s when she can start using her power productively—and even give some of her power up, if/when the situation calls for it.

On my wish list for season 3 are a few more anecdotes/details about Kristina’s youth. The real ones, this time. She references an unfortunate romance and we get the occasional hint that she was a bit of a troublemaker in her own way, and—this is just me speculating—maybe it wasn’t just in the cute way Ludwig jokes about. (Rich kid trouble at Hillerska, as the show wants us to know, is almost never 100% benign and cute. The fact that they mention this mischief in reference to partying in the “palace” on Hillerska grounds—and how that space used to be an old factory—seems to nod to the fact that the rich always have their fun at the expense of the working class.) I want that tea, and I want Wilhelm to get the tea about his mother too. As Simon points out to us, Wilhelm and Kristina are more alike than either of them would like to admit, and I think Wilhelm hearing about this in more human detail than “oh I was difficult like you once” could level the playing field in their interactions and help them move forward, even I don’t ever think their relationship will be 100% perfect and healed.

In season 1, Wilhelm dealt with the obstacle of his mother as queen. In season 2, he asked her to be his mother. In season 3, I am wondering what it would be like for him to come to understand her as a human being. I hope whatever happens, it makes me cry. That’s always how I’m ending these posts, right? Make me feel all the the feelings.

Small Defence of Kristina in Young Royals - Season 2 The Redemption Arc

For part one please see it here.

Also, these are all my own thoughts and interpretations. Season 3 could prove me all wrong.

Season 2 is a bit of a redemption arc for Queen Kristina, who while still is no Sarah Nelson or likely to win any LGBTQ+ Mother of the Year awards, is far from the villain that she was in Season 1.

The first time we see Kristina in Season 2, she is pleading to speak to Wilhelm. For someone controlling and calling the shot weeks ago, Kristina is rather submissive here. She isn’t coming into his space. When Wilhelm closes the door, she only talks through it and doesn’t make any attempt to open it. Wilhelm doesn’t lock the door, you see what looks like a key in the door, she can very easily open it and talk but she doesn’t.

When Wilhelm finally does call her, Kristina first looks shocked and surprised. After all, this is Wilhelm reaching out when he’s been continuing to ignore her calls and texts. This quickly gets shattered when Wilhelm actually talks. But I am going to pause here for a moment because, we see a new important character here, Jan-Olof Munck. He is the one that is going to become the villain and the representation of The Crown. In this role, only Kristina held Season 1, in Season 2 however, we will see her step back from that role. But, we will come back to him.

For this conversation however, I feel this is the moment that Kristina finally realises the extend of Wilhelm’s anxiety and (possibly mixed in too) grief over Erik’s passing. She is hearing up close and personal a full panic attack, and her reaction makes me wonder if this is the first time it has happened, if she noticed before. I would reckon she hasn’t, especially with her own disappointment and grief in Season 1. With Jan-Olof now in frame, Kristina can step more into the role of mother than Queen. Although, sometimes it takes Wilhelm asking before the Queen drops completely.

So, the next day we have Kristina taking action because clearly some intervention is needed for Wilhelm. I can see from Kristina’s perspective how removing him from school at first seems like something Wilhelm may go along with. Just months ago he was sending messages begging to come home. And I am sure there are other motives too like training Wilhelm up to take the throne, but for me, this conversation is one of the most important moments of the series.

While Wilhelm says she only wants him to leave to not see Simon because of the scandal and that she forced him to lie. While I do agree that yes, Wille likely felt very much forced to say what he did at the time, I also can see the logic behind Kristina’s words here. No one should be forced to come out. Kristina would have done a lot better voicing this before the video, but she’s probably had her own reflections. As seen by the news coverage, it is a big deal for a member of a royal family to potentially be gay/queer (the media would likely just jump to gay).

I am sure there is a part of Kristina that was hoping this would be some phase, but she is realising I think that her son’s relationship was a lot more. She is also saying this not in private. She is on a plane of other people, who while are likely loyal to the Crown, are hearing her make her own stance. Kristina is stating that she is supporting her son.

And yes, she does bring up the “When you are 18′” discussion, which again I don’t think there is necessarily done with ill intention. Wilhelm’s behaviour hasn’t been very mature as of late (refusing to speak to his mother for weeks, calling up and making demands). Clearly, Wilhelm needs some time to mature and work through things before he makes any rash decisions. I can understand this from Kristina’s point of view as she knows whatever he decides, it is going to play on the world stage and he will need to be ready for that. Getting Wilhelm into therapy is key to that. (And well done Boris by the end of the season).

When Kristina meets with August to let him know about the Royal Court’s plan to make him Wilhelm’s “backup” if he is not able to handle the pressure, she lets August know right off the bat this was not her idea. We the viewer gets to see that Kristina too is trapped in some ways by the machine of the Royal Court and the Crown. While Kristina protected August at the end of the last season when he leaked the video, it becomes more clear that she only did so to protect her son (and yes, by extension the Crown). 

If Kristina didn’t have her own title, I don’t think she would have a problem with Wille being queer, and this conversation cements it. It isn’t Kristina who asks if August is straight, it is the Royal Court who asks. Kristina makes it very clear that this backup plan is only if Wilhelm cannot do it, but until then she is going to support her son. As while August attempts to charm her, she never shows any sort of support in this conversation.

This line I find interesting when Kristina is explaining how August has been put forward has his replacement, not only for the speech but perhaps as King. And Kristina is very clear, this is not her desire or plan, it is the Royal Court. She’s been forced into this. Erik’s death has meant that there is only one person after her to succeed or Sweden will have to rework its government, which is a bit dramatic the country would survive, but again legacy is something Kristina is concerned about.

Why I want to point out this line though, is Kristina seems to be voicing what has been Wilhelm’s problem with the monarchy thus far, it is a punishment. You cannot freely act but have to constantly think what wider impact your actions may have. Choices are few and far between in Kristina’s position.

Kristina didn’t make the decision about Simon’s song, Jan-Olof did. She didn’t put forward August to replace her only son, the Royal Court did. She didn’t want Wilhelm to come out before it was his choice or he was ready. 

She is just in damage control dealing with it all.

So, in the end, I don’t think Kristina is the villain of Young Royals. She is a character with many different slides and flaws. She is far from a perfect mother, but she is also trapped in the same system that Wilhelm is too. We know Ludvig was not her first love either, she had to sacrifice that for the Crown.

The real question is going to be what she does in Season 3 with the news out. Wilhelm could have easily thrown Kristina under the bus by stating her part in why he initially denied the video. But again, she isn’t the villain, the Crown is.

That is my defense of her. I liked her a lot more in Season 2 and I better found I could understand her. But these are just my thoughts, feel free to agree or disagree.

[youare-mysonshine]

heavy || bucky barnes

Summary: reader’s mental health has been taking a decline and bucky is there.

Requested: No

Pairing: TFATWS Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: talks of mental health, depression, anxiety, angst, cussing.

Word Count: 3.2K

A/N: Hey guys, I’m back I guess lmao. I’ve really been struggling with my mental health lately and I guess I kinda just wanted to put it into words, something productive? And I’ve been feeling our angsty emo boy bucky barnes. Most of you might’ve followed me for my Oscar fics but I kinda wanna branch out and I thought this would be a good time to do so. Anyways, I know that some of you have inboxed me or messaged me and I haven’t responded and I’m sorry. But I just want you all to know that if you’re struggling, I’m always here to talk. About anything, always. So, I hope you enjoy this. I might’ve cried while writing this lmao and I also might’ve ended it on such an awkward place but, i’m still getting used to writing again. (Flashbacks are in italics)

————

Bucky didn’t miss the dark circles under your eyes. He didn’t miss the way you sort of slouched as you approached him. He didn’t miss the way that your smile didn’t really meet your eyes.

“Hey,” You said in a breathless voice. “Sorry, I’m late. I got held up.” You said as you took a seat across from him in the booth. Held up. It was better than telling him that you were thinking of just not showing up at all. In the end, you knew that you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t just blow off your new friend who you had so enjoyed spending time with. So, in a rush, you got dressed and made your way to the small, quiet diner that you two had taken to frequenting together. Bucky Barnes was an enigma if you’d ever met one. The way that you had met was rather.. cliche and something straight from a story.

You had been trying to lay off of the caffeine for a while, realizing that you had nearly gone through an entire packet of 32 k-pods that you had just purchased. You realized that you might’ve had a problem. You had been going pretty strong with staying away from caffeine for the time being, until you passed by a coffee shop and got a whiff of coffee. You just couldn’t help yourself; you bought a cup of coffee. It was when you were walking down the street, holding the cup of coffee in one hand, looking down, that you didn’t see someone walking right in your path. You had collided into what seemed like a solid wall and the impact had caused you to squeeze the cup of coffee in surprise, the warm liquid burning your hand, staining your clothes and the other person. You had realized it was another person you had crashed into when you heard them let out a low cuss.

Bucky’s grumpy self had been fully prepared to tell you off for crashing into him, having just left his therapist’s office, but when you looked up at him with those bright eyes of yours, a million apologies spilling from your lips a mile a minute, he swallowed whatever harsh words had nearly sprung forth. He had apologized as well; both of you had been at fault. Bucky had been going over his session with Dr. Raynor that morning, completely lost in his own mind, and you had your eyes trained on the ground, something that was a bad habit of yours. The shock of realizing you had bumped into a man, a really really handsome man with the brightest blue eyes you had ever seen, had made you temporarily forget that you had practically scorched your hand with the coffee, and that you had gotten it on him as well.

“I’m so, so sorry.” You said once again, quickly averting your eyes from the handsome stranger’s face. Instead you focused on the smushed cup in your hand and the stains on his leather jacket. It just made you feel even terrible. “I, I can pay for you to get your jacket cleaned, if you want. Really. I wasn’t paying attention and I just, for whatever reason, squished my cup and.. I’m sorry.” You said, kind of breathlessly.

“It’s.. it’s alright.” His voice was like the coffee that you had been drinking. Smooth and rich. It was deep, something that reverberated deep in your chest and had your stomach fluttering with butterflies. “I wasn’t paying attention either. Really, it’s fine. And don’t worry about my jacket. No harm, no foul.” He said. “You should, uh, you should take care of that hand. Hope you didn’t burn yourself too bad.” He gestured to your hand, still clutching the cup, with one of his own gloved hands.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. It wasn’t that hot. Thank you, though. And again, I’m really, really sorry.” Sparing one, seemingly, last glance at the handsome stranger, you side stepped him and began to walk away, tossing the empty cup of coffee in a trash can on the sidewalk. But you didn’t get very far because that deep voice called out to you, halting you in your tracks.

“Can I buy you another cup of coffee?” Bucky’s mouth had opened and spoken the words long before his brain could even catch up. He didn’t know why he had asked you that, but something in his gut was just telling him too.

“What?” A look of total bewilderment had crossed your face and he had seen it.

“I just, well I thought that, since I bumped into you, I could make it up to you by buying you a new cup of coffee. If you wanted, I mean. You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything.” Bucky clarified, hand stuffed in his pocket, waiting for your answer. For a few seconds, you simply stood there, unsure of what to say because surely this wasn’t happening? The last time that you had gone out with a guy was.. well, shit, you didn’t even remember the last time. The little voice in the back of your head, that anxious, paranoid little voice, was telling you not to go off with a stranger. You’d watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds and other true crime shows and documentaries to know that situations like this never turned out well. However, you didn’t get a bad feeling from this particular man. He seemed just as awkward and slightly frazzled as you felt. So you agreed.

“I’m Bucky, by the way.”

“Y/N.”

That had happened about two months ago. Ever since then, you and Bucky had formed a strong friendship. Your first time getting coffee with him had been awkward, as were the next few times that you had seen one another. But things got easier. Becoming friends was easy. You kind of fell into this routine, almost as if you two had known each other your whole lives. That was why Bucky telling you who he really was had been terrifying for him. He carried around guilt and shame and just contempt for everything he’d done. Everything The Winter Soldier represented, and when he told you, he figured that you would think the same. He had asked you meet him at the diner that had now become your spot and and you remember how he nervously wrung his gloved hands together. You remember when you asked him what was wrong and he didn’t verbally respond but he took off his gloves; the right one first and then the left, revealing a shiny black metal hand, golden lines intricately placed.

He told you then. Maybe he didn’t tell you everything but he told you who he was and he had braced himself for you to get up and storm out. Or, to yell at him and tell him how much of a monster he was. But, it never came. Instead, you reached out and placed your hand on top his. Not his real hand, but the metal one. You didn’t say anything. You just gave him that smile that was quickly becoming his favorite. Sometimes, silence spoke a thousand words. To Bucky, you had become kind of a respite for him. Even in the late nights or mornings when he woke up after a nightmare. Or after a particularly hard session with Dr. Raynor. He had closed himself off from other people except you.

Bucky might not have known it, but he gave you the same level of comfort as you gave him. You found yourself craving his presence. Every time you were around him, you couldn’t help but to smile or laugh. In the time that you spent together, your mind was clear and free from all your worries. It all evaporated into thin air. Your mind, usually so active with all sorts of thoughts and worries, could finally rest when you were with Bucky. You could sleep. You could get up in the morning without that stress and anxiety drowning you. It was okay. It was great.

Until it wasn’t.

“No problem, doll.” He said, gloved hands clasped under the table on his lap. “I already ordered. Got your usual. Hope that was alright.” He added, to which you nodded absentmindedly.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. Thanks Buck.” You said, mustering up a half hearted smile that didn’t reach your eyes. It was like even smiling drained the energy from you. You were exhausted. Not even just physically but mentally and emotionally. You had been having such good days for a while now, since meeting Bucky. You felt like maybe you would finally be alright but.. this feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that nothing was quite right, it was heavy. It weighed you down. It suffocated you. You wanted to be alone, but you also couldn’t stand to be alone because when you were alone, you were just stuck in your head and being in your head was the absolute worst place to be.

The intrusive thoughts had started. They told you that you would do nothing but weigh Bucky down. That he didn’t need someone like you in his life, someone with clear problems of their own, when he was going to therapy trying to better himself. Even if it had been mandatory for him to go. You wanted to push him away, save him from yourself, but you also couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.

Bucky noticed the shift in you. Normally when you two met up, whether it was at the diner or anywhere else, you would usually talk his ear off. Not that he minded, he was content to just sit back and listen to you. Sometimes, you’d tell him about a new book that you had started reading. You had just started reading the fifth Harry Potter book and you were trying to get him to read them. You’d tell him about your day. You’d ask him how his day went, how it went with Dr. Raynor, though you never pushed for more information. You always let him share if he was comfortable with it and he appreciated that. Sometimes you teased him for being such an old man.

The food came soon after you had arrived and sure enough, Bucky had ordered your usual. It sent a pang through your heart when you realized that he had memorized your order, down to the extra syrup and whipped cream on the pancakes. Bucky always liked to make fun of you for ordering the same thing when you came to the diner. No matter what time it was, you always ordered the pancakes with extra syrup and extra whip cream, with the strawberries on the side. Secretly, though he found it adorable.

Today, you had barely even taken more than a few bites and that was what really let Bucky know that something wasn’t right. You kept your head down, eyes on the pancakes and you cut them up, bringing a few up to your mouth and chewing slowly, but you mostly just moved them around your plate with the fork in your hand. Bucky himself had barely taken only a few bites of the food he’d ordered for himself, but it wasn’t for lack of appetite, it was because of the growing concern. His bright blue eyes were now a stormy grey, kind of like the clouds that you see during a heavy storm. His brows were furrowed, giving him an appearance almost as if he were angry.

“You alright, Y/N? You’ve barely eaten your food and normally you finish before I do.” He attempted to joke, to bring about that smile that seemed to always fill him with warmth. He half expected you to look up at him with that cheeky little smile, a mischievous look in your eyes and say “You know, I would be offended by that, but I know why you eat so slow, Buck. I completely understand. You don’t want your dentures to fall out.” But it never came.

You don’t know what it was. Bucky asking you if you were alright or if it was simply all the pressure of just.. everything, finally breaking, but you could feel the hot tears in your eyes. They blurred your vision until you couldn’t really see the plate of the pancakes in focus. The dam had finally come apart and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. You set the fork down and buried your face in your hands, your shoulders lightly shaking as you began to cry. All Bucky could do was stare for a few seconds, alarm written all over his face. Alarm and distress because he had no idea what just happened and if he had done something to upset you.

“Woah woah, hey. Sweetheart, hey. What’s wrong?” In seconds, Bucky was out of his side of the booth and scooting in beside you. You felt the comfort of his warmth, you felt his arm tentatively, almost hesitantly, slide around your shoulders and anchor you to him. You shook your head, attempting to calm down, to stop the tears but the more you tried, the more they seemed to come.

“I-I’m sorry, Bucky.. I.. I’m sorry.. I-I’m fine. Really.” You said, sniffling. It was apparent to you both that you were not alright and he really just wanted to get to the bottom of it. Or at least attempt to comfort you. But doing that in the middle of a diner with other people around wasn’t ideal.

“Hey, my apartment is only a short walk away. Come on, let’s get you out of here and somewhere more quiet.” You didn’t protest. You just nodded and slid out of the booth after he did. Bucky took out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table, paying for the uneaten food, and then quickly led you out of the establishment. He kept his hand on you, almost like an anchor. Whether it was to reassure you or himself, he didn’t know and you didn’t mind either. It was probably the only thing that kept you from retreating inside of your mind and giving in to the panic that so desperately wanted out.

You didn’t even realize that you had reached his apartment until he had led you up the stairs and you were standing behind him as he unlocked the door. He allowed you to step in first and then quickly followed behind you, shutting the door as he did so. You didn’t really get the chance to take in his apartment because he had ushered you to sit on his couch while he knelt in front of you.

“Alright, you’re scarin’ me here, doll. What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?” The sheer look of concern and slight panic in his face and those pretty eyes of his made the waterworks come back again. You shook your head, your face scrunched up in anguish. Hot bullet tears fell from your eyes and left a wet path in their wake down your cheeks. Bucky wasn’t one to pry; he hated it when people tried to pry into his life and he didn’t do it to you, but he couldn’t stand the sight of seeing you cry. He couldn’t stand the sight of your once bright eyes and cheery smile just.. gone. You eyes were sad and your lips were pulled into a frown. “Talk to me, baby.” He practically pleaded.

“I just.. I don’t.. I don’t know how to explain it, Buck.” You cried. “I-I.. I just feel like..” You let out a frustrated cry when you couldn’t find the right words but Bucky was patient. He reached a hand up, cupping your cheek and wiping away the tears that kept falling. “I don’t feel.. happy. Everyday I wake up and I just, I feel fine for like a few seconds and then everything just comes crashing down on me. I can’t ever stop thinking. I can’t sleep at night. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, Bucky. And I feel fucking crazy. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even really like me. I feel.. hopeless, like nothing is ever going to be okay. I might feel okay for a few seconds but then it just goes away.” You explained, though you were sure that you probably sounded like a raving and ranting lunatic. “Before I met you, I liked being alone but I also hated it because when I was alone, I would just overthink and overthink and overthink about every fucking thing. If it wasn’t one thing it was another just giving me such bad anxiety and.. I don’t know what to do anymore, Bucky. I’m just tired of feeling like this. Feeling like nothing is ever going to be okay, like I’m never going to be okay. I just feel.. alone.”

His heart was well and truly broken. In the two months that he’d known you, he hadn’t known how badly you had struggled with your mental health. He hadn’t known the war that you fought within your mind, and how bad it had become. You were such saving grace for Bucky; you saved him from the wars inside of his mind. The constant feeling of guilt that he fought with on a daily basis, and now.. he just wanted to do the same for you. He wanted to shoulder some of the pain that you carried, the pain that seemed to be weighing you down. Both of his hands now cupped your cheeks so delicately, as if you were the most precious thing in the world to him. His blue eyes were shining, looking at you with not pity, but something like.. understanding. If anyone knew what you were feeling, it was Bucky.

“You’re not alone.” His smooth and rich voice was so soft, so gentle that it brought on a new set of tears. “You’re not alone, sweetheart. Not anymore. You know why? Cause you got me.” He said. “I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. To feel stuck in your head. To feel like nothing is ever gonna get better. I felt like that in Wakanda. Sometimes.. sometimes, we need help. And I know I’m not one to be talking considering that I don’t really like talking to my therapist or even going,” That roused the smallest of smiles from you. “I’m here. You know that, right? I’m here. You got me and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I don’t care if you have a million bad days. I don’t care if you feel like you’re bothering me. I’ll be there every time.” You two have gradually gravitated close to one another until your foreheads were pressed together. Bucky was still knelt in front of you on the couch, his hands still holding your cheeks. Your eyes were closed and you could feel his warm breath fanning your face. The tears had stopped falling but you were still sniffling softly. “You’ve helped me. Even if you don’t know it. You’ve helped me.” He was whispering. There was no one but you two in his apartment but he was still whispering the words meant for only you to hear. “Now, let me help you. Please.”

“Okay. I trust you, Bucky.”

[soggy-platee]

It Goes Both Ways

Rating: M (Somewhat graphic talk of injury)

Pairing: Din x GN!Reader

Summary: You take a hit for Din, feelings and angst ensue.

Note: Hello sorry this is literally all angst, a tiny bit of fluff. I can't stop myself, I just love the whole "feelings being revealed through injury" trope. If anyone wants, I was thinking about a smutty part two to this one! Let me know. Also, y'all were so kind with Doubt, so thank you!

...

The fight went bad from the second it started.

Well, before that, if you were being completely honest. Everyone in the cantina had been too still, too tense when you and Mando entered. It was so clearly unnatural for the usually boisterous atmosphere of a Nevarro night.

Yet somehow, you both missed it.

The kid was really to blame. He had been a ball of energy all night, practically bouncing off the walls of the hull while you and his father did everything in your power to get him to calm down. You were both annoyed and tired as your set out to meet the contact, should have known there was no hope of success. When the eight men in the cantina converged on you both, you were immediately thrust into the defensive. Exactly where you knew Mando hated to be. You had taken down several attackers, using your blade to slash and hack until it broke off in the chest cavity of some blue creature. You had lost just a moment as you attempted to wrench the hopeless blade from the now lifeless corpse, but it was enough time for a rough tug to pull you to the ground and a heavy weight to climb on top of you. You remembered the previous night almost fondly as opposed to the impossibly tight grip on your throat now.

Your fingers dug into the hand around your throat to no avail as the man- a Twi’lek, you now realized- bared his teeth down at you. Hot breath brushed over your face and you grimaced even further. Eyes rolling, you managed to steal a glance at Mando who was engaged in his own battle. There were two on him, one managing to get Mando’s arms behind his back in a tight hold while the other approached with a raised blade as you looked on. Fear shot through you at his vulnerable position and you doubled your efforts.

Your fingernails finally caught purchase on the arm that held you down at the same moment you bucked your hips with everything you had. A hiss came from above as you managed to pull one leg above the hips holding you down. Twisting hard, you flipped the man into the floor at full speed, his cheek cracking against the hard dirt. On your hands and knees now, you whipped your head up to see the armed man raise his blade and prepare to strike at Mando’s exposed neck. The fabric of his cowl would do nothing to stop the glowing, razor-sharp weapon that was mear inches from him now.

You shot up, your boots digging into the dirt as you righted yourself directly into a sprint. It happened in a split second. You reached Mando just as the blade completed its arc, half-throwing, and half-pressing yourself in front of his armored chest in a protective stance. You followed your first instinct, forearm coming up to block the blow.

White-hot pain bloomed along your arm, reaching all the way to the bone, as the blade cut through you like butter. Gasping at the initial shock, you managed to get a gut punch into the man in front of you before dropping to one knee. You clutched your forearm, trying your hardest to not collapse and curl up right then and there. You dimly registered fighting directly behind you through closed eyes, hoping to God it was Mando dealing with the last guy.

No offense to him, but you felt like you had done enough.

A wave of nausea came over you as you dared to open your eyes, taking in the bloody mess that was now your arm. The cut wasn’t overly long, but it was deep. You knew you had felt it hit bone, but jeez, you didn’t think you would be able to see it.

A blaster shot from behind you gave your enough adrenaline to rise on unsteady feet, turning to see Mando with his arm still raised, blaster smoke rising from the body of the final hostile in the room.

He turned to you with an immediacy that made you sway, the speed of the movement causing another wave of nausea to rise up. You doubled over as he approached, pressing your good hand to the back of your mouth. He was mumbling something as he approached you, Mando’a you would realize later. His hands found your hunched shoulders as you finally heard a word you recognized well,

“Cyare-hey, hey, look at me-”

With your hand still planted firmly over your mouth, you glanced up at him. You were taken aback by just how shook up he looked, even underneath the armor. His hands were tight around your shoulders, almost bruising you with their intensity. His chest was heaving, but it couldn’t be from the fight now. His voice nearly shook.

The pain almost blinding you was nothing compared to the icing feeling that crept down your spine at the sheet panic he was radiating. It wasn’t right, you had never seen him simply break like this.

You had seen him trembling underneath you, above you as he came, but he was still always in control when you were together. This was different.

This was frightening.

His hand pulled up to cup your jaw as you faced him, tilting it back and forth, frantically searing you even though the source of your pain was obvious. You wanted to say something, anything, to get him to calm down. But when you managed to pull your hand from your mouth, all that escaped was a low groan of pain.

Well that didn’t work, you thought faintly before your face collided with Mando’s chestplate, blackness overtaking you a second after.

…

The swaying was what woke you. A constant, fast motion shook you all over. Most pertinently, it was shaking the hell out of your arm. Something was wrapped around you, holding you close to a hard metal surface.

Why did it hurt again?

Ah yes, the cut.

The cut. The fight.

Mando.

You forced your eyes open, instinctually pulling away from whatever was retraining you. A gruff voice spoke to you as you turned your eyes to face the dark fabric of Mando’s chin.

“Stop.”

His faceplate didn’t even turn to you, just one word directed outward to the now-dark street ahead of you. He was carrying you through the town bridal style, your damaged arm tucked up into your chest as your calves swung with each footfall.

The memories of the night flooded back to your in greater detail, mainly your injury. An injury, you now noticed, hurt a lot less than it had...a few minutes ago? An hour?

Your confusion formed a question. Fighting the dryness in your voice, you huffed out, “How long was I out?”

“Not long.”

Another short answer, again not facing you.

A frown tugged on your lips, brows furrowing. Had something happened you didn’t remember? Why was he suddenly pissed at you? Finally, you glanced down at your arm. Wrapped in several bacta patches, secured with more bandages.

When the hell did that happen?

“Cantina had supplies”

Sometimes his ability to read you pissed you off.

You finished the trip in silence, doing your best to let off a pissed-off vibe. It was childish. You knew how to communicate, you knew Mando hardly ever did. But you were tired, hurt, and you didn’t know why that was such a huge problem to him. You had saved his ass, anyway.

You should be the pissed one if anything.

You approached the Crest’s ramp and you prepared to be set down, tensing your legs and starting to push off his chest with your good arm.

His grip simply remained firm, however, showing no indication he would be letting you down. You twisted your head in an attempt to look him in the visor, confused as all hell. His face remained stubbornly to front, much to your continued irritation.

You pushed off him a few more futile times, wiggling your hips in an attempt to loosen his hand around your knees.

Nothing.

You just slumped in his arms then, waiting for what seemed like the world’s slowest ramp to hit the ground.

He stomped into the ship and didn’t set you down until the ramp started to raise. His demeanor still remained stony, but he set you down with a gentleness only reserved for you and the child. He steadied you as your feet hit the ground, but his hands pulled away as soon as he confirmed you could stand alone.

Before you could even speak, he was gone, heading to the ladder of the cockpit.

That was it, you had absolutely had enough.

You threw your good hand in the air before shouting across the silent hull.

“Yeah, thanks for the ride, I’ll just go fuck off then.”

It wasn’t your best line, but you were pissed. And confused.

And hurt more than anything.

To your credit, the words were enough to stop him, hand on the first rung of the ladder. You stood expectantly, breathing heavily from your words and your injury.

Silence.

You made an incredulous sound, turning around and folding your arms to the best of your ability.

“Leave it to me to fuck up and save your ass, my bad, it won’t happen again.”

You winced as the words left your mouth, it was mean. It was terrible. You didn’t mean it. You would lay down your life for him at any moment and he knew it. Well, you thought he knew it. You thought he would do the same for you, too. But here he was, acting like you were a liability. Like he didn’t care about you at all. It made you defensive. Maybe you misread things between you too. Maybe you were just sex to him. Maybe you didn’t go any further.

That was fine, you could handle that. You just needed him to tell you, and not do whatever this was.

Leather creaked as his hand tightened on the metal with your words, but silence persisted. The fight in your was waning as your thoughts continued to run wild.

Your next words came out more defeated than aggressive, “If I’m an issue, just tell me. I’m gone.”

That sparked something in him, hand flying off the ladder as he whirled to face you. The movement caught you off guard, combined with the weakened state it made you stumble back a step Then another, then more as the suddenly fervent Mandaoliran stalked toward you across the hull. Your back hit the wall before he finally stopped a foot away from you, helmet tilted down at you as his shoulders rose and fell with deep, ragged breaths.

His helmet searched you, looking you up and down while his hands came to hover near your shoulder. He didn’t touch you, however, simply grasping at air several times in contemplation before fisting them once more at his side.

“Of course you’re an issue, you are the issue -my issue.”

His tone was unreadable, half-angry, half-desperate.

You gaped like a fish in his face, trying to make sense of what the hell was going on. Where was this coming from?

Your silence rushed him forward. Pushing a finger into your chest, he rambled, “You did fuck up- saving me. I didn’t want you- you shouldn’t have- I didn’t need it.” He spat the final words, but there was something underneath it, far too similar to his tone earlier, his panic.

Still, his words reignited your anger and confusion. “What do you mean you “didn’t need it”. That knife was going for your neck!”

He threw his head back, hands coming up to grip the sides of his helmet.

“Exactly! A knife which you jumped in front of, with no plan, no defense. What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking I didn’t want you to die, idiot! What the hell did you think I was thinking?”

He stumbled, whatever retort he had dying soundlessly on his tongue. Then, he spun from you, crossing his arms over his chest as he did. His next words were quiet, dismissive but firm.

“I didn’t ask for that. Never do that again.”

You literally could not comprehend his train of thought. Did he want you to just let him die? You grabbed his shoulder with your good hand, trying to force him to face you to no avail.

“You don’t get a say, you don’t have to ask. Don’t you get it? If I want to take a hit for you, that’s on me.”

He rounded on you once more, helmet coming so close that it nearly made contact with your forehead. “You don’t get to make that choice”, he growled, low and urgent.

Oh, now that was fucking golden.

“What? I don’t get to make my own choices with my own life? Is that what it’s come to now? Clearly, you don’t trust me, but I at least thought you could afford me my own autonomy.”

Finally, his hands came up and grabbed your shoulders, shaking you with intensity as he shouted in your face.

“Would you just listen to me? I won’t- cannot lose you. Not for me. Not ever.”

Your shoulders tensed in his grip and your eyes shot wide. His words startled you, the meaning washing over you in steps. They first relived you, convinced you that you felt the same way about each other, regardless of the fact this was the first time you were both voicing such outright feelings. But they also struck that same anger in you.

“So you get to protect me but I can’t do that same for you?”. Your voice was calmer now, eyes searching his visor for some sign he understood how unfair- if touching- his words were.

His hands loosened on your arms, shoulders dropping from their tense state. His helmet dropped from your gaze, swinging loosely before he sighed, “...Yes.”

His voice upturned at the end, almost in question of his own words. Of course. He knew how stupid it sounded.

Anger left you at his defeated look, head hanging between his shoulders. You raised your good arm, slowly placing your fingertips on the bottom of his helmet. He tensed for a moment at the touch, but you pushed gently enough on the metal that he simply followed your guidance. His visor came to face you once more, the blackness reflecting the look of concern in your eyes. You could only imagine that his held the same look.

Gloved fingers found your bad arm, still drawn tightly to your chest. They brushed over the patches gingerly, making their way to your hand and intertwining with your own digits. Your eyes fluttered at the touch, the familiar feeling melting away the residual pain like water down a stream.

He sighed heavily, before speaking with a subdued sincerity.

“You make me so fucking scared, pretty. I’ve never-I didn’t know that feeling until you and the kid. I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t lose you- can’t live without you.”

His fingers tightened around yours as he spoke, and your soft smile was reflected in silver back at you.

“Do you not think I feel the same thing, feel the same way about you?”

He gave your hand a squeeze before breathing, “...I do.”

Your smile faltered at his admission, worry coloring your next words.

“Then why do you think I could live without you?”

It was times like these you cursed his helmet, his creed. You wanted- needed to know that your words were getting across to him, that he understands just how fucking much he meant to you. While his face was unreadable, a short breath through the modulator and another sharp squeeze of your hand told you that you had hit the mark.

You took a deep breath before saying, “Listen. We protect each other. Equally. That’s how this works. You can’t stop me. So if you want to keep me out of harm’s way, then you have to keep your own metal-ass safe, yeah?”

You swore you heard a chuckle from underneath your helmet at your comment, and you broke into a grin. You pulled your good hand from his and placed it behind his helmet, tugging it toward you and resting the cool metal on your forehead. His hand mimicked your position, coming up to intertwine with the hair at the base of your neck.

You let your eyes slip shut before saying, “Do you understand now, dummy?”

His hand gripped your hair tighter, pressing your closer. His words were thick when he spoke, “I do.”

You released your grip on him, righting yourself, but his hand simply slid down your back. He still held you close when he said, “And I’m sorry… for the way I acted. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was just…”

He faded off, but you knew where he was headed. You chuckled and flashed another smile, “It’s alright, make it up to me by taking the next knife, huh?”

The usual huff of laughter at your stupid comments didn’t come however, his helmet simply tipped down to take you in, hand tightening on your lower back.

“Actually…” he started, voice growing lower, softer, “I had another idea about how to make it up to you”