#everyones growing up and going places and getting happier and thats great!! im not!!

[friendandphoe]

/deep sigh

[iwaisuke]

i like you so much, you'll know it

ft. kageyama tobio, semi eita, iwaizumi hajime x fem!reader

genre: fluff (prompts are based off lines of the song)

masterlist

a/n: from the c-drama a love so beautiful :) i wrote this at like 4am so sorry if its crap haha. not proof read either. also, sorry in advance if they're too ooc lol im a mess rn.

» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

i like your eyes, you look away when you pretend not to care i like the dimples on the corners of the smile that you wear. i like you more the world may know but dont be scared cause im falling deeper baby be prepared.

» today was your first day at karasuno highschool. honestly, you were so scared. that was up until you found out kageyama was going too.

» the two of you had been childhood friends due to each others grandparents knowing the others. you had been with him through his ups and downs. his victories and defeats. almost everything kageyama did, you were there with him.

» actually, you didnt know kageyama was going to karasuno until you walked outside your door to find the raven haired boy in the same school uniform as you

» "tobi? you never told me you were going to karasuno?" giving him a side eyed grin. "i thought you were planning on going to aoba johsai like oikawa senpai and iwaizumi senpai"

» you viewed kageyama as someone who expected others to reach his level in order to be a good match for him. he had a strong head on his shoulders. naturally gifted in volleyball, like everything was given to him on a gold platter. of course, he wasnt perfect and thats where you come in and keep him level headed. helping him understand his faults and weaknesses as well. doing your best to encourage the setter

» he let out a sigh. a slight frown forming on his face. "i didnt get in.." he quietly said. "karasuno has a good volleyball team though and i can feel myself growing here" he stated bodly

» and boy was he right. something about kageyama did changd that day. he usually was so bitter and angry. a very pessimistic look on life if he and others weren't at the top. maybe it was the orange haired boy, hinata, that the setter and you became friends with. and maybe it was his great senpai's who were patient with him and gave him the opportunity to grow

» kageyama started smiling more often. his small unnoticeable dimples showing. he became kinder. softer. and more carefree. he was a growing boy both mentally and physically.

» what you didnt realize was that not only was kageyama changing, you as well, had something changing and growing in your heart.

» but kageyama noticed. oh boy did he really notice, the way you seemed to become happier and livelier by the day. how the stars sparkled in your eyes when you talked about something you enjoyed. the kind of perfume you would wear and how you would tie your hair differently each day. the weird trinkets you just seemed to love that decorated your bag. but most importantly, how much bigger your heart has become, loving everyone and their faults. always encouraging and motivating him and his team.

» was she always like this? he would constantly think to himself. all of a sudden being hyperaware about you... but he would NEVER let you know that, let alone his senpai's. it was just too embarrassing. just thinking about the never ending teasing he'd get from tanaka and noya senpai made him shiver.

» all of these things he felt about you hit kageyama like a truck the day everyone started to wear their winter uniforms.

» picking you up to walk to school together was a normal thing since the two of you lived close, but how was kageyama suppose to do this now when you're standing in front of him. thigh high socks to keep your legs warm, an oversized jacket that you had borrowed from him a while back you forgot to return. white mittens to cover your cold hands and the slight blush on your face from the wind chill.

» "does it look weird?" you shyly asked. kageyama was silent. "ah.. give me a second. I'll go back in and change real qui-"

» kageyama tugged on your hand. "its fine. lets just go to school or we'll be late." refusing to look you in the eyes. heat rising to your cheeks as tobio dragged you along with him.

» your feelings for the setter had blossomed over the past few months. falling deeper and deeper into him, and at this point you felt like you couldnt hide it anymore. you just had to tell him. tell him all the wonderful things he's done. the way he's grown and how much he means to you.

» "tobi..." your soft voice spilling out. eyes closed, the fog of your breath coming out as you exhaled. "i lik-"

» you felt something wrap around your neck. "wait y/n..." kageyama spoke, interrupting what you were about to say. not gonna lie, you felt like your heart was about to be shattered like ice eventhough kageyama continued to wrap his scarf around your neck.

» "dont say it..." he quietly said as he began to walk forward without you.

» ah... is this what rejection feels like? i didnt even get to say it properly... your hands felt colder now that kageyama wasnt holding them anymore.

» he took a quick glance back at you. blush on his cheeks. "be prepared because i want to be the one to tell you first."

i like the way you try so hard when you play ball with your friends. i like the way you hit the notes in every song you're shinnin' i love the little things like when you're unaware, i catch you steal a glance and smile so perfectly

» semi eita, your 3 year heart throb from the moment he first spoke to you.

» at first, you had suppressed these feelings, telling yourself he would never look at you the same way. but something about the blonde tsundere struck a chord in your heart that you just couldn't forget.

» the two of you ended up becoming friends. closer than you had actually imagined within these past 3 years. doing everyday life with you. waking up and saving you a spot at breakfast. helping you with your studies in exchange for being his workout buddy and motivator.

» semi kept his tabs on you. your likes and dislikes. the things that made you smile and the things that made you groan in disgust, but he would never let you know that.

» to semi, you were his breath of fresh air. the song he has on repeat everyday. the kind of person who would keep him on his toes. in a good way of course

» "oi what are you daydreaming of this time?" semi asked as you zoned out while drinking your carton of strawberry milk. "hm? oh nothin. just thinkin about whats in store for us today!" reaching your arms above your head letting out a stretch. "i just know for a fact. today is gonna be a good day." semi chuckled at your optimistic claim. "how do you know for sure?" "i dont know how. i just do" you replied with a smile on your face.

» today, shiratorizawa had a practice match with aoba johsai and today, eita was picked to be in the starting line up. the pure joy that radiated from his body. maybe today was a really good day just like how you had said.

» semi took a quick glance up into the stands, you gave him a thumbs up and wished him good luck. his smile was brighter than you had ever seen it and his eyes shined like stars. he always told you that whatever chance he got on the court, he would be sure to not let his team down no matter what. he was in his zone. playing his best and sure enough, they had won all 3 matches.

» after practice, semi and you would hang out at his dorm afterwards. he liked to show you all the new songs he was working on. whether it was a cover or a song or a song he was writing on his own.

» the two of you leaned against the wall as you sat on semi's bed. his sheet music all sprawled out before him on his bed sheets. guitar in his arms and you beside him.

» "what are you working on semi?" "a song" "well obviously dum dum" you laughed, reaching out for a paper in front.

» "so who's the special lady?" you teased him as you read the lyrics. deep down inside you could only wish these words were meant for you. a blush formed on eita's face. "just... shut up about it... its not ready yet"

» it was getting late and falling asleep at semi's place was a normal occurrence at this point. your eyes became heavy and your head started bobbing.

» "sleepy?" eita asked as he noticed your eyes drooping. "mhm. sing for me semi? please?" his voice was so soft like a mothers touch yet somehow had the power to pierce through your soul sometimes. although, it never failed to help you fall asleep when you needed it.

» hesitantly, semi started humming. softly speaking some lyrics here and there. you didnt know where the tune was from so you listened the best you could.

» "... till the last of snow dissapears ... till a rainy day, becomes clear. never knew a love like this, now i can't let go..."

» your eyes had closed. slumber taking over you as you fell onto semi's shoulder.

» "im in love with you... and now you know..."

» yeah. today was a good day. just like you said it was going to be.

in a world devoid of life, you bring color. in your eyes i see the light, my future. always and forever i know i cant let you go. im in love with you and now you know

» to iwaizumi, unlike volleyball, oikawa, maki, mattsun, school, anything life threw at him; you were the thing in his life that was constant yet at the same time a whirlwind of new beginnings. not in a bad way though.

» ever since you were kids, you showed iwaizumi the beauty in things he would have never guessed had. he was bold and tended to look over things without giving them much thought. his eyes straight ahead to the trials before him. you on the other hand, stopped him and slowed him down from rushing into them blindly.

» "every moment is precious. you should learn to cherish it because you never know when it's gonna be your last" you always said

» your views of the world were beautiful compared to how cruel it actually was. naivety maybe? or maybe it was just because you were blessed with a kind soul.

» iwaizumi always knew he had feelings for you. you had been with him through thick and thin. he could depend on you and you could depend on him. in his eyes, you were the most beautiful person on earth. deep down he had hoped the two of you could stay like that forever. nothing could ever change that.

» or so he thought...

» "iwa chan~ you owe me a meat bun" oikawa whined as the group of friends were walking to the gym for volleyball practice. "shut up crappykawa. i already bought you one last week" "oi isn't that y/n over there?" maki said, shaking iwaizumi's shoulder.

» sure enough it was you. apparently you had told iwaizumi to go ahead of you today because you had something to take care of in the afternoon. telling him you'd meet up with him after practice was over. not thinking much of it, he bid you a farewell and went on in his day.

» "oooou by the looks of it, this is the perfect confession scene" mattsun teased. "oi stop messing around" iwaizumi's voice hoarse. not gonna lie, iwaizumi felt his heart drop when mattsun said that

» the 4 boys crept closer to see what was going on.

» there you were, standing in the middle of a classroom with a black haired boy. "mhm. definitely a confession." oikawa stated. "shut up tooru we cant hear" maki retorted.

» you weren't considered popular in school but that didnt mean people didnt know who you were. iwaizumi knew you were gorgeous and on top of that, smart, kind and one of the sweetest girls, so it was only natural that people would be drawn to you.

» they watched as the boy got closer and closer to you. voices barely being audible to the 4 boys outside. iwaizumi's heart could bear to see this right before his eyes.

» without even thinking, his feet moving on his own, iwaizumi barged into the room. all eyes towards him.

» "iwa what are you-" without letting you finish, iwa dragged you out of the classroom. "iwa where are you taking me" asking him as he took you to who knows where, leading you up the stairs of the school.

» up on the roof, he finally let go. "sorry..." he mumbled.

» "sorry for what iwa?" "for ruining that confession... i just-"

» "you just...-?"

» "i just love you ok?!"

» your heart shook at the resonance of his voice. iwa liked you? he liked you back?! wait no- he loved you.

» you had loved iwaizumi from the moment you met him and as the two of you grew up, your love for him only grew deeper. he was the only one you'd ever look at. the only one who would ever cross your mind. you had hoped he felt the same about you but he was always so busy with other things you only felt like you would be able to support him on the sidelines as he faced the world head on like he always does.

» just being in iwaizumi's presence was enough for you. no need to be greedier, you thought. its good to be content with what you have, but just knowing that he shares the same feelings... its ok to be a little greedy right?

» your silence being louder than it should have been, iwaizumi took it the wrong way. "look I know this isn't the greatest confession. heck it's not even the way I wanted to confess to you, and get it if you like that other guy, you don't have to-"

» shuting him up with a kiss, you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him in closer. needless to say, he was shocked, but embraced you as well.

» "you're overthinking too much iwa. that's so unlike you" you chuckled. his face bright red at the previous actions.

» "i love you. I've loved you for a long time actually. every single second. every moment we've shared. i cant picture myself with anyone but you hajime."

» iwa let out a sigh of relief. a smile being brought back onto his face. "good because all I know is that i cant let you go. in the past, present and even in the future...."

» the blue sky slowly changing into shades of coral warmed your heart even more on top of his sweet words that you've always longed to hear.

» "im in love with you, and now you know"

-» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

enjoy your order! have a great day!

[yeoldontknow]

Do you have any advice about writing? For new people that post on this platform 💗

Do you have any advice on writing? Because your writing style is so flowey and overall AMAZING. just a starter writer here that needs tips and advice to start a blog. Thank you💗

hey there! welcome to tumblr! its so lovely that youre thinking about writing and joining the community. thats so exciting! im uncertain if you mean writing like...in general just writing, or if you mean posting your writing? it feels like in both cases its more blog creation and getting the work out there than it is writing? 

i will say - thank you for these wonderful compliments to my style! this is so sweet i am so so happy you enjoy my writing (in the case of the second ask) however the first and most important bit of advice i could give anyone is ~

=> do not try to write like anyone other than yourself. its true the more you read the more your vocabulary grows, the more you get inspired, the more you will experiment with ‘voice’ in your writing. and thats good! thats how you develop your own style. the more you write the more your voice gets honed, your style develops.

if you try to write like someone else it might feel fine at first, but honestly thats not sustainable. you are starting to write because you have a story to tell, and no one can tell that story as you can. if someone else were to do it, yes it could be the same plot and same narrative, but the experience of being in that world and the interacting between the characters will be wildly different. no one can tell a story as you can, so honor your own style. it does not exist anywhere else but in you. 

but yeah as for creating a blog and posting your writing i really think its easy to get caught up in the notion of notes and followers, especially here. the only places ive ever written fic are here, livejournal way back when that was a thing, and AO3. and the only site where ive seen a focus on follower count or note count has been here. so keep the following in mind: everyone starts at 0 followers. 

ive been here for three years and while i can say, yeah, notes and followers are nice - there is no logical reason behind those numbers so its best to ignore them. someone can follow you and unfollow you - and that is fine because thats a choice entirely up to them. it is out of your control. sometimes tags dont work so less people might see your story. that is out of your control. sometimes one story does really well note wise and the other doesnt gain as much traction - yet another thing out of your control. 

these are numbers you have absolutely no power over, so they do not deserve to control your power. the more you feed into the metrics and the stats, the less fun writing becomes. so please, please, dont walk into posting your blog with the hope of achieving some number that an algorithm decides. post your stories for fun. because they make you happy. 

ive found that writing on tumblr is a direct experience of the quote ‘if you build it they will come.’ i am by no means an enormously large blog, but over time ive carved out a community of readership and everyone in it makes me insanely happy. just write to have a good time. people will sense that energy and come and read and they, too, will have a good time with you.

and another bit for starting your blog - if you want to start, just start! like really, it is that simple. if youre wanting this, then youve kind of already decided for yourself that you want to be here, in the fandom, sharing the ideas in your head. and that, more than anything, is a powerful experience. i think, for me at least, writing fanfiction is a method of connecting with my inner child; any hobby is a method of play, and we are happier and healthier as people when we do the things we want to do. if you want this, do it. trust me, it will makes you so happy. 

when it comes to posting your works, theres some general advice thats good too. make sure you warn adequately for triggers; tag your story well so it can be found in searches. joining networks is a great way to get your work out there AND to make some friends. every network ive ever been in has a discord or a kkt group chat and some of my closest friends have been found through those networks. 

the rest youll learn over time. the more you write, the more you interact (as with anything, what you put out is what you will receive), the more you spend time growing into the site, your blog will change and evolve and your writing/posting style will change. again some things cant change - again, warning for triggers, ensuring people can see your word count and the pairing, etc - but youll figure out how you want things to look as you go. that, too, is the fun of writing.

good luck! and have fun!

[lustertherainwing]

hey, got any headcanons for anemone ?? or maybe anemarin too???

anemoneeee i love her....

and okay so let me just make a disclaimer that most of my headcanons are completely canon compatible BUT i rlly dont know abt anythign involving anemone later in the books, so some of my stuff MAY be ....inaccurate but. whatever i like my anemone the way she is-

so anemone is like. my second favorite character in the series (burn is number one holla hollaaa), because she is SO MORALLY GREY its enthralling imo. Shes a child, first of all, which i think is amazing in itself. The whole literary symbolism of children being innocent and pure and hopeful is completely turned on its ass with anemone, because she was abused by her shitty mother (and maybe father, idk), actually killed someone (not totally accidentally either), and is potentially one of the most powerful dragons in the world. we can discuss the awesome development the animus magic ACTUALLY contributes to her in a minute, but let me finish my train of thought - so essentially anemone is this chaotic whirlwind of a dragonet, instantly marked for greatness at the second you meet her, and completely defies standard literary symbolism, acting as a HUGE thematic element just by herself...

yo like . if you want the best character development, with the most conflicted and destroyed way of thinking, anemone is ur girl. hoooooo boy lets..lets keep going. 

She was raised on Corals hip from when she hatched because of her mom’s obsessive control issues, a disgustingly abusive hover mom who raised her daughter to LOATHE the idea of being tethered to ANYTHING (hint hint, morals), and to always be the absolute center of attention. A lot of people can flatten anemone to some petty rich girl trope, which is viable, sure, at surface level, but anemone (and honestly a lot of characters that fall in the rich girl trope) live on the praise and encouragement of others. Anemone is INCREDIBLY jealous of everything (note: not envious), and fears 1) losing the few things she has (her ‘friends’, possessions, stature, etc...), and 2) being alone and unappreciated. Bc she has absolutely 0 self esteem (shes a princess (she was born into that, didnt earn it), is an animus (is isolated from everyone and treated like a weapon), and has never had the freedom to /do/ anything other than be the two things i just mentioned. and she is AWARE of this and therefore is aware of how absolutely awful her life/self is). 

okay so, lets talk about...the animus magic. So animus magic, fundamentally, chips away at ones sense of judgement the more you use it (at least thats how it worked in arc 1, god knows what the fuck tui changed in arc 2, but idc im going off the first way), so the more you use it, the more reckless, and “insane” you become. so anemone, raised as a weapon, and raise with the EXTREME desire for freedom to do whatever the hell she wants, is obviously going to have some judgement issues in the first place. this animus magic acts as a trial of sorts, pushing anemone into this really interesting and unique moral threshold, where she can either recognize her flaws, accept them, and grow from them, or silence them more and become some chaotic disaster. so really she gets put between a rock and a hard place, and she has to choose, on the spot, which way she needs to go. ill let you think of ur own ways you would want it to end, but personally ive always enjoyed the idea that she teeters towards accepting herself (not completely ofc), and ..that whole thing. yada yada. happy-ish ending. woohoo

so anemone is this volatile, manipulative kid who really just wants validation and freedom, but has been stifled and shoved in a metaphorical box since she was hatched, and labeled as a potential danger, good for mass destruction. she has the potential to represent two different themes; 1 being that (in the happier ending scenario) the acceptance of pain, flaws, and that kinda stuff allows for growth and can help mend her behavior, 2 being (in the more grim ending) that the succumbing to ones trauma/etc and allowing it to define you and how you act ultimately destroys you, and those around you. (hopefully you can see why i enjoy the first ending better...)

and...if you’l allow me to take this a step further (and longer lol...), i’d like to talk abt my headcanons for future anemone...

so assuming she gets out with the happier ending (lets not talk about the sad one), i like to believe that anemone stews as princess for a while as tsunami continues managing the school with the other DoD, really bitter at her mom for being abusive and shitty (duh, me 2 anemone) and trying to forgive her mom, but really unable to, and ends up just getting more and more vengeful. so eventually, when shes probably 8 or so, she actually challenges coral for the throne, and after a really..rlly intense battle, with a lot of passion and pent up anger from anemone and bewildered betrayal and anger from coral, anemone ends up killing her mom and becoming queen, and then has to deal with a lot of second-guessing and guilt and just. tiredness, but ultimately (after a few years) recognizes that she /doesnt/ have to forgive her mom, or ANYONE for the shit theyve done to her, and that its her choice. 

and she decides that she is gonna fucking SLAY as a queen, do waaayy better than her mom (who literally just wrote shitty fanfiction all day and let everyone else do the governing.....), and tries to be honestly? the best dragon she can be. im so proud of her. my little girl...all grown up...............................wipes my tears

aaannnd regarding anemone and tamarin....i think its definitely a little kid crush, (i mean...in canon they are literally children) so i dont see it getting too far (tamarin is pretty gentle but i dont think anemone is ready for any kind of serious relationship until AFTER she figures herself out first. otherwise she’s probably gonna end up hurting other people. 

BUT i do enjoy the idea of her being gay. i mean ofc i called it (all my favorite characters are not straight. burn? demi/aro/gay/idk but shes not straight. coconut? gay. blaze and glacier? hahahah gay. i just call them how i see them, i dont make the rules.), and im GLAD she is gay....bc.....well duh. it works w my headcanons p well too bc my gay queen? who fucks the system because she never actually has any kids, and it ends up that her successors are either auklet or tsunami’s daughters. 

so idk i dont rlly ship it hardcore. softcore is a hard maybe, but. its a kid crush its not rlly. serious or anything lol. 

so....wowzah i talked a lot. 

TLDR; anemone is super complex and morally grey and becomes a gay queen who destroys her mom and fucks society because she can. 

[in-a-trans-like-state]

so my xmas is pretty much over. it was ok 

under the cut is just me giving a blow by blow of my day trying to figure out my emotions. 

the morning was nice though i had problems sleeping and woke up about 2 to go back to sleep at 6 to get up at 8 and be tired all day. 

I made bacon and raspberry pancakes for my family’s brekkie and we opened presents over food. my dad decided it was a great time to collect all the food and cutlery he wanted from upstairs and take it downstairs (his abode since my parents have spilt up) He wasn't too much of an arsehole though he really could have waited till i’d finished in the kitchen to rummage around it trying to find the last bowl of a set ( that turned out to be downstairs anyway) 

We went to my great uncles for lunch. I don’t like having xmas at his much cos he never really comes to family gatherings so he feels more like a stranger than anything. Plus he and his wife are loaded and they invite their rich friends over and i did not feel like talking to people i didnt know. Especially load drunk ones who are the embodiment of the “what could a banana cost? $10?” meme lady. (OK i dont actually know how rich they are but they live in a very nice suburb in a big house with way too much wine and it makes my working class leftist self cringe.) I much prefer to have christmas at my grandma’s run down place that creaks and the kitchen floor slopes because its the uncut bedrock the house it built on, and the only new people i have to deal with are my cousin’s new boyfriends.  

One guy was extremely extroverted and drunk and he was very cringe worthy. Like shut! up! you are embarrassing yourself! and your daughters! He cornered me said he remembered me from when i was little and made comments about how I’d changed, he actually bought up the gender thing which like everyone else was stepping around. 

My great aunt made comments about how much happier i am and how she was glad i’d followed my stars. Like thanks? But also I transitioned nearly 3 years ago?? Have you not spoken to me since then? (probably) Talking to the drunk guy was awkward but it was over pretty quick and i ran back to my mum. 

The food was good. I liked the ham and smoked salmon. there was prawns which stunk and made me feel vaugely sick for the rest of the day. as well as my dad’s smoked chicken. Idk what it is about it but when ever he makes it it tastes slightly off to me. Probably cos im not used to it. There much have been 20 bottles of wine on the table. Like ?? You don’t need a bottle of red and white for every person present. 

My dad opted to go home with my aunt and granny so he could stay and bitch longer. He is an alcoholic.  I always thought I was maybe exaggerating when i said that but mum recently told me that he has attended AA meeting in the past. Apparently when they last separated about 9 years ago he was sober for a couple of months. but then said something like “my life isnt worth living without alcohol.” Which does make me feel a little sorry for him, but also he is such an arsehole when he is drunk, like he can be bad when his sober but drunk him is a nightmare and 100% why mum’s separating form him (for good this time) 

Like mum was so worried during the lead up to xmas because what if he gets drunk and starts complaining loudly about her at the family lunch? And she cant leave cos there’s only one car? Or worse (?) he waits til we get home before (verbally) laying into her and us. I wasnt home but my sister got into uni the other day and instead of congratulating her dad made a big fuss cos no one had told him. I cant wait til mum has her own place. Where she (and me and my sisters) dont have to fear him stomping up the stairs to yell at us. I always tell my self that he’s probably not abusive. Like he is a negative toxic person (mum calls him draining) but he doesnt beat us or emotionally manipulate us on purpose. But honestly whats the difference? I wouldn’t be exaggerating too much by calling him abusive. 

I suppose the difference is that I’m (unlikely) to get PTSD from him? And i feel that it wasn’t as bad as some people have it so am I offending actual victims by calling him abusive? But also as theres no way I’m going to start talking over abuse victims and saying shit like I survived my dad with minimal damage that therefore their stories are invalid that calling him abusive or nearly abusive just puts another blip of the spectrum of this is what abuse can look like. If that makes sense? Fuck this was meant to be a christmas post and now its been derailed. 

Anyway I hope one of them sobered up enough to drive. Because drunk driving is a dick move and also I’m slightly worried that they’re dead. My anxiety is always going people are late? They had a car crash there’re dead. I know not to fixtate on it and just go well its possible but also quite unlikely so stfu brain. 

I spent way too much time on my phone trying to ignore people so now i have a headache. I didnt get to drink because I was designated driver so at least I’m not hungover but I was so tired I nearly feel asleep at the wheel. I came home and slept for two hours straight. 

I’ve changed my sheets which ive been meaning to do for a week now, and had coco pops (thanks santa!) for dinner. I need to have a shower and eat some fruit. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep because we’ve got to get up again tomorrow and go to my granny’s for present opening. because for some reason we couldn’t do it at my great uncles? Like not that I’m complaining about seeing the family again its just very time consuming and I’ve got work tomorrow afternoon so my whole day will be on a time limit and therefor stressful. 

I feel pretty down though. its probably the headache. Maybe its the fact i didnt get presents from extended family so my inner four year old is sad. Maybe its the weather it was quite cold today. Maybe I’m all socalised out. 

I think its partly cos im disappointed in myself for not engaging with people more. Even though I was tired and therefore socialising is undesirable and they were drunk and too loud. I’m also slightly pissed off at having to go to my great uncles. But also the reason we went is cos he had cancer this year so I also feel like a massive jerk for not wanting to go to his place. 

So all in all the day could have gone better. But also it was ok. Like I’ve long since accepted that the whole of christmas day cant be 24 hours of magical this is a special day feeling. Maybe thats an adult sign or maybe its depression (xmas is less and less fun as you grow up) either way I suppose it could have been a more special day. But also it doesnt really matter and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow  

[fairydustandhappilyeverafters]

Love her, but leave her wild

Above all, i think I'm most proud of myself in growing self confidence, something i never had. He was my backbone in high school. My confidant, the person i turned to when things went wrong, my self confidence was him, and i honestly don't know why. I can't blame it on my dad can i? I don't get it. I wish I could look into my head throughout high school and figure out why i let a boy who would become irrelevant when we graduated have such a strong hold on my life. When he broke my heart senior year I was ruined. I thought the world was coming to an end and heres the thing, it feels like your whole world is coming down on you and you don't think you'll ever make it out of that dark place but you will. I promise you. It takes time and patience but i promise that although it feels like things won't get better, they do. You learn to love yourself and put yourself first. You learn that you can look in the mirror and be happy and not have to think of what to wear so that he’ll notice you. You learn that you should never put your happiness in the hands of someone that you’re unsure of. You know that bad feeling you get about someone, trust your gut. It’s trying to protect you and it knows best. I didn’t listen to it and ignored but i don't regret a second of any of it because it taught me a great lesson and let me grow to be the person i am right now writing this. I remember staying up all night crying. i never told him how bad he hurt me. I never told him that i starved myself for 3 days straight and lost 6 pounds within those three days. I never told him I put a smile on for my family during the day but nights were rough. Nights were when I couldn't preoccupy myself so i would just lay in bed staring out the window until the silent tears finally came. I never told him I cried 3 consecutive nights and couldn't get myself to stop because my heart felt as if it had shred into pieces. I never told him that I cried my eyes out the day i found out for hours  (literally) and couldn't get out of the shower (which was when he finally replied). I sat in the shower pouring my eyes out. I sat down and couldn't get myself to stand up because i felt so sick and betrayed that the one person that swore to me he'd be there for me and wanted a future together was the person i should've been careful of from the beginning. Was I in love with him? I still don't know. Honestly. I did love him though but I'm not sure if i was in love. If i was boy does that sort of heartbreak suck. He was my best friend and i didn't see it coming. I wanted to be mad at him. Angry. I wanted to blame him for everything and ruining us. But i couldn’t. No matter how hard i tried i was mad at myself. I was disappointed in myself for letting someone in and letting him break my heart. I was angry at myself for crying over a boy although i had sworn i never would. I was mad at the world and I was mad at the girl. I wanted to be mad at him but I somehow managed to blame everything and everyone else but him. No. Im not writing this because I'm still hurting or bitter. Im writing this because after all this time, I finally have the words to describe the pain I went through. I can finally write this as a narrator of a story played out what feels like a lifetime ago. I got my heartbroken at 17, funny right. I was still a kid. Barely living my life to the fullest. I don't get why I thought this was the end of the world because it really wasn’t. I was just starting my life and things got so much better. I met my best friend because I was heartbroken. We go to school 6 hours away from each other and after all this time she’s still the person I think to text first when anything happens, good or bad. She's the most beautiful and genuine soul I've ever met and i could not be happier that our paths crossed the way it did. i was sad but she made my senior year of high school memorable and the best. I had planned my future with him and we were going to go to the same schools. This was our plan. I always knew I wanted to go away but if i had stayed with him, i would've stayed home and not gone 5 hours away. I would not have met my other best friend thats practically my soulmate. She’s me and you're lucky if you get to know her you know. Never did i imagine id end up gaining a sister when i went away but i did. So you see, what I'm trying to say is that things may seem bad but its not the end of the world. In my case, if you're in high school, there is so much more to look forward to. Better days do come. You learn so much about yourself and who you’re becoming. I like the person I'm becoming. I like that I'm me and i do make mistakes (tons) and constantly embarrass myself but I've learned to laugh at it because nothing is as bad as it seems. Im turning 21 in exactly two months and that scares me but also excites me. 

[coldplusrelapse]

egobusting so i remember you change people as a hobby. could i borrow your nog for a second.

demiurgial Thats making it sound a lot more drastic than it actually is, but sure. What do you need?

egobusting i could use your advice on some weird sentimental bullshit that was thrust on me a few nights ago, seeing as i have as much experience dealing with ethical turmoils as elon musk on a good day. i’m coming to you with this because even though i would love to have just about no fucking soul know about it, some outside perspective is my best bet at helping me make the right decision. you’re a versed enough guy, so i think i can respect your opinion when it comes to shit like this. let me know if i can send you the setup so we can rap about it.

demiurgial Id be happy to help, Jon.

demiurgial You dont have to share anything youd rather not share, though.

egobusting sick. i would rather funnel a colony of red ants into my dickhole than to overshare, so no worries on that front. alright, hm. whatever common practice it is when vaguing about someone EVERYONE knows the name of, i’ll keep names and pronouns to a minimum. just so i don’t feel a vestige of guilt eating at the elusive sympathy gland i’m supposed to have. give me a second while i put together a shitty rundown for context.

demiurgial Of course. Take your time.

egobusting so one of the members of my original four person friend group that i am absolutely not disclosing the name nor pronouns of (hah! it could be any of the three! sike bruv!) has recently approached me about my bit*.

*the way i am. you know. the absurdist humor, the sewer chicken tenders, the flippant sexy attitude. just who i am in general. you see, this person has known me since before i grew into the man i am today. they knew me from when i was an angsty tween who didn’t know shit and was always angry at his sister. apparently, this person misses who i was back then, because they feel like it was more “genuine”. and that’s not exactly wrong! i did show more emotions and was, overall, more true to “myself”. i just sort of grew out of it, because i didn’t like who i was, and i shaped my personality to be a parody of my sister’s, carrying out my life as a big joke. they insist that they’re worried that i’m not growing as a person thanks to this. personally, i’m not sure what even *is* the point of “growing up” as a god. it’s not like i have to evolve to achieve a higher goal or whatever. none of us do! we’re all conditionally immortal gods, and nothing is killing us anytime soon. so should i just go out of my way to change into someone angrier and stupider because it means i’ll be more “genuine”?

demiurgial Are you content with who you are right now?

egobusting well, that's the million dollar question! i'm indifferent to it. this is just who i've always been.

egobusting or, i guess, in recent memory, at least. i hardly remember who i was before any of this, so i can't say i deeply miss it.

demiurgial That's fair. Why do you feel indifferent to who you are right now? You said you shaped your personality to be a parody of your sister's. What is the ultimate goal of that, and are you succeeding at it?

egobusting i just don’t give much thought about happiness in general. i live the present, but as you can probably guess, that’s a finicky concept for us time players. i’m not exactly frantically keeping tabs on my emotions, and what i usually feel is indifference and boredom. i don’t think happiness is an end goal, or a permanent state you reach after enlightenment, i think it’s a fleeting emotion that isn’t supposed to last forever, otherwise it just gets boring. so i don’t really care about the whole concept of happiness. i’m as indifferent about who i am right now as i am about virtually everything else that isn’t getting a good guffawing outta me. i don’t set goals for myself for the same reason. there’s no end for me to reach. i’m eternal, i guess the punchline of being a parody is having most people dislike dealing with me as much as i disliked dealing with my sister as a jonlet. i’d say i’m doing a fucking stellar job at it.

demiurgial Im not talking about attaining some kind of unending happiness. We all know that is an absurd aspiration. I mean something closer to contentment, or a passive comfort in the space and personhood you occupy. I dont think I follow your reasoning that for goals to have any merit, there must be an end to reach. Nonetheless. Why do you want others to dislike dealing with you?

egobusting that's the thing, though. a passing emotion means jack shit to me. i'm eternal. i timetravel. sometimes i go weeks without leaving my room, and for me it just felt like three hours. being content means nothing to me because it's a feeling that doesn't last. i'm going to get bored of it sooner or later!

demiurgial It could. I dont see contentment as a finite resource. Bored of an active acceptance of who you are?

egobusting also, the main pleasure i take in having others dislike me is the validation that i was right about how repulsive she was as a person. yes. it would get boring. i would keep wanting to change just to find something that isn't as boring.

demiurgial Being a genuine self doesnt mean being static, Jon.

egobusting doesn't it? so are you just supposed to keep changing all the time? what even is the point of that. especially considering we're eternal. that's a lot of fucking work just to feel smiley emoji about it.

demiurgial You grow. You improve yourself, constantly. For what end is a valid question, but I think the end of this unending pursuit upwards is the pursuit itself. Of course its a lot of work. Living is a lot of work. Would you agree that a genuine self, if accessible, is a better state to be in than one that is constructed?

demiurgial In your pursuit for the affirmation of your sisters repulsiveness, you are redirecting the hate, or dislike, you felt towards her back onto yourself through other people. You are right about her. You know that you dont need to keep proving it to other people by becoming a proxy.

egobusting i can’t really tell you that. maybe it is, i wouldn’t know. i just remember that i felt constantly… angry. i didn’t feel good, i was overemotional and sensitive. i would lash out at everything and everyone. curbing my emotions made me feel less, in general, which includes the negative feelings. so in a way, i guess it made me feel happier as a whole. you’re right! i absolutely don’t need to do that. but i do it anyway.

egobusting because it's fun.

demiurgial Why is it fun?

egobusting validation always feels great. i love seeing people get absolutely revolted at the sight of the things i do, ironically copying my sister's personality. i don't know, it's just really fucking funny. i love comedy, it's the best remedy for boredom. and living forever while being immune to the passage of time comes with its fair share of boredom.

demiurgial Beyond the validation, do you think there are, or could be, other reasons for why you want people to feel the same way about you that you feel about your sister?

egobusting dunno, dog. i just do shit for the joke. i never really thought too much about it.

demiurgial I think it would be helpful for you to consider that question, then.

egobusting i just do things impulsively and stick with it.

demiurgial Say you decided to try being genuine, and to allow yourself to feel emotions more. Do you see yourself willing to work through these emotions and everything that you consider oversensitive or irrational, with a support system if you needed them?

egobusting dear lord, that's so much fucking work, but yeah. i guess i can, it's not like i'm lazy. i just don't see the fucking point of doing that.

demiurgial What would motivate you to do it, then? In a hypothetical situation, if by doing so you could somehow attain something that would give it a point, what would it be?

egobusting i guess trying to make that friend happy.

demiurgial Ignoring the fact that you're friends and thus, such is usually expected, why do you want to make that friend happy?

egobusting i don't know, i guess i'm just inclined to it since we've known each other for so long and we've been through a lot together. they also legitimately care about happiness. and it seems like it's really important to them. but then i'd just be changing to please one person who isn't even myself, innit.

demiurgial Thats one way to look at it, yes. You would be initiating a departure from who you are now for someone else, but they are likely requesting this from you out of concern for you, for your dynamic with happiness.

demiurgial I think it would ultimately be helpful for you to at least try to see how you would feel being genuine to yourself, rather than upholding a parody.

demiurgial It is hard work. In the face of immortality and godhood, this work might feel tedious and useless, but I think its always better to live eternity as an ever-improving version of yourself, rather than one that remains stuck in one place. Yesterday at 7:01 PM

egobusting so would that be your final advice on that? to try my hand at change and hope for the best?

demiurgial I would encourage that you try going in a direction of being a genuine self, yes, and I would also encourage you to push through and prevail, even if at first it feels tiring. Self-reflection, as well as taking input from those you trust, is an important part of this process.

egobusting hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. well. this all feels like bullshit to me, but i did say i would respect your opinion on this. you're the resident pretentious philosophy dork, anyway. i'll try it.

demiurgial I wish you luck. Should you need my pretentious philosophy dorkiness again at any time, just send me a message.

egobusting i will.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! 

i had a pretty good day today but it was all ruined so quickly.

i started the day by waking up late and so, i didnt meet linda in time at the fullerton red line stop at 8am this morning and i felt super bad but i chose to just take a lyft instead. i debated on training it up to jenny but by that time. i’d get to church by 10am and i wasnt sure if i would even make it in time so i just decided to take a lyft instead. i made a commitment to come early and although i would be very late, it was better to come a little early than not at all! and i had a good time talking with my lyft driver about church and my busy schedule anyway! and i think i’m getting the hang of finding the balance of listening intently and actually caring for others and sharing my own experiences. as of right now, ive been trying to not share about myself unless prompted to and i think it’s been working so far! im just afraid i’ll end up having a lot of pent up emotions that i never felt comfortable sharing and end up feeling miserable again. but hopefully it doesnt come to that and people just know to ask! but i saw josh, johnathan’s roommate, there again and that was really nice! i got to see amanda and johnathan and josh and p josh and i was glad. and i got to see some familiar faces! like david, austin, rachel, johnny, christine, daniel bang and more! and although, again, i am sad chelsea and angela were missing, im also relieved that they werent there bc i wasnt so afraid of being judged constantly. honestly, jason too. he was also missing and i felt kind of relieved bc although i know he means well when he teases me, it’s slowly spiraling into verbal abuse and i actually do get kind of hurt sometimes. i tend to shrug it off but like when he calls me a “dummy” when i learn about new information, i feel kind of bad. if i knew but forgot, then thats one thing and i know i deserve that. but i literally just found out. why does that warrant or mean im not smart in any way? i’ll probably confront him about it in the near future and as of right now, i do value him as a friend and we have had real, deep conversations with each other, which i do really value and appreciate. and i also dont think i have a real issue in telling him about how i feel. i have been wondering if he’s been wanting to check up on me since i cried when he told me about my flaws. but, he hasnt asked yet so i guess it’s whatever. but then again, we also havent seen each other in a while. it’s been what, two weeks, going on three weeks now? it does feel a bit weird. but then again, even missing just one sunday left me feeling like i’d been gone for such a long time! and though i was a bit stressed at first with the cross conference meeting and meeting so many new freshmen at once, i am really glad and grateful that i got to spend time with everyone today. i didnt pay too much attention to the cross conference meeting as my attention was divided elsewhere but it sounded good for the most part! it sounds like we’ll be selling calligraphy prints, doing a bake sale, and a benefit concert! im excited to see how it all goes! then, johnathan, amanda, p. josh and i went to the college room to prepare and pray over the meeting for the day and it was really nice to just be able to spend that time with them! p josh pitched a game, i couldnt think of anything better and neither could amanda or johnathan, so we just ran with it! johnathan was full of great ideas today, tbh! he had a lot of little afterthoughts that really contributed to the success of the icebreaker today! it was a bit awkward at first but all the freshmen seem to be really close and im excited to see how many of them stay and choose to invest in the community here! oh! i also prayed for the service today pretty on the spot! p josh legit texted me on my way to church and i sheepishly agreed to it. but i was really feeling the music today and my heart feels so much lighter and happier after having gone to vision camp over the weekend with amanda! so when i got up to the front, i tried to go over everything happening today during the service but more importantly, really tried to be real and genuine with the words that i said and i think that i did. and i later asked elsa if it was a good prayer and she said it was so i guess i did pretty well! ^_^ thank you for speaking through me today, God!

Then, i debated on whether or not to go back downtown or stay in Evanston and God made a way! it seemed like Amanda would go home and i felt bad ditching her and choosing to stay in Evanston and possibly spend time with the freshmen but they ended up not coming! haha. but instead, alex cho, austin, briefly d. bang, daniel kwon, yaeji, johnny, johnathan, p. josh, amanda, christine, and esther were there! and im really only “close” with amanda, p. josh, and johnathan but i think through the icebreaker and just studying together today really brought us all closer together! i held a few conversations with christine, i talked to austin about my client work, i joked around with johnny and the others, i gave my opinion to yaeji both while we were waiting at church and while we were studying and overall, i didnt feel very scared or nervous or pressured. i was just there and enjoyed the moment and the opportunity i got to spend with them. and im glad. i do really want to grow closer in my relationship with them all this coming year. and im hoping we can start through the EC retreat this weekend! im stressed beyond belief with all my responsibilities but im also starting to feel better and more optimistic! as i was typing this, jason randomly messaged me and it was just for a test but it meant a lot to me that he would even think of me to do that. i really hope he and angela are doing okay! i cant imagine how hard this must be for him to have his significant other attending a different church when he has been placed by God at lakeview. maybe it wasnt meant to be or maybe angela just needs to grow on her own apart from us. regardless of the reason, i hope shes doing well. but i also want to give her space bc i do feel partly responsible for why she left. at the end of the day, she was just bitter towards everything but i also didnt help the fact either. but i really do hope chelsea and angela are doing okay! i think the best thing i can do now is to just pray for them and lift them up! i want to genuinely care for them and put them first before myself. i know that i’ve been incredibly selfish and prideful in the past but i really do want to do better. i really do. and only by God’s strength may i do that! 

But onto why I was so stressed out earlier. I walked back with Amanda to the train and then took that down with her for most of the ride. We got to know each other on a much deeper level and I want her to know that I will be there for her just as much as she has already been there for me! And I do really hope we can grow deeper in out relationship together. I asked her if she didnt mind sharing why she is such a people pleaser and i learned a lot about her through that! i just paid attention and listened intently and didn’t think of myself at all throughout it. i dont always need to give advice or respond. i just need to be there for her. and i was. so i did. i couldnt relate to her situation but i cared more that she could understand her thought process more than i did about sharing my own feelings. and it did really fill me with joy to do that! im glad we got to spend so much time together and can continue to spend more time together in the near future!

but anyways, she got off at monroe, which was fine, bc i was almost home anyway. BUT, i dont remember exactly where. i think around Roosevelt or maybe Sox-35th...these 4 kids got on and started acting pretty crazily. They were ripping the plastic screen protectors off the windows of the train and rolling them up. Presumably to use later but just to have fun, they started whacking each other with the pieces of plastic. and i was kinda shocked at myself for feeling somewhat paralyzed in the moment and scared. it wasnt bc they were black. it was just bc i didnt know what to do! i was afraid of how they would react or what they would do to me if i spoke up and said something! so instead, i just turned a blind eye and did my best to focus my attention elsewhere and simply look out the window! and i did almost get hit when 2 of the kids were hitting each other on opposing sides of the window and i think thats when the kid next to me noticed me. he was probably about 8 or so years old. he was definitely a child while the others were a bit older ranging from 8-16. but as i tried to politely leave, he grazed my butt with his plastic roll and from behind me, i heard him say, “haha, i touched that girl’s booty!” and i did feel a bit violated but i could chalk that up to being an accident if i really wanted to. so then i waited for my stop and it felt like the longest ride in between the two stops. but i waited and just did my best to ignore the kid and look out the window, ready to leave. to which, he definitely purposefully hit my butt again with the plastic, underneath my buttcheeks and said something along the lines of, “see ya, babe.” and i just sheepishly/nervously smiled and quickly left. and my thoughts were running pretty fast. i was in such shock and didnt think it would bother me as much as it did. i think the fact it was a kid and not an older man to which i actually really did feel helpless was nice but the fact that i was just physically sexually harassed at all surprised me. and i have been catcalled before but this was different! i felt so violated. he knew what he was doing and was proud of himself for having touched me. i felt violated. and i still do. i worry about what my first time having sex will be like if this is how i react to getting touched on the train. but anyways, i quickly told amanda and later my group chat with jordan and tykira and i was worried that they would brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. so i was pretty surprised when they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing instead. to which i responded that i was okay, just shocked. but their genuine concern meant a lot to me! i still cant really believe that happened and i had a really hard time concentrating or focusing on the lyrics of praise songs so i just prayed to God instead about how i do trust somewhere that this experience happened to me for a reason and it could have been a lot worse than it was but it wasnt. it happened and im here and i just have to accept it and move on. i dont know what was going on in that kid’s life and the best thing i can do is to just pray for him and wish him the best.

and finally, i slipped on this but the bathroom flooded at church today and idk who did it or when but i was honestly prepared to leave at first, had it not been for an ahjumma that came in and noticed the mess. and idk... something about that triggered something within me and i quickly ran to get a mop from the MPR and clean it up! it wasnt mine to clean and im sure someone else would have done it later. but for the time being, it was there and it was a mess and getting in the way of everyone’s restroom experience so i took initiative and cleaned up the mess. and honestly, a part of me hoped that p josh or yaeji or amanda or someone would see me or wonder why im taking so long and ask what i was doing. to which, i could humble brag and say i cleaned the restrooms faithfully though it was not my responsibility to do so. but no one asked or noticed my leave of absence. so i ended up just telling amanda instead and she didnt respond very enthusiastically which made me realize that i had made an error in my ways. and now im here, reporting it and reflecting upon it! 

but yeah! thats where im at now! i was about to post this but then p josh messaged me about meetups and i started talking to him and im just really so blessed to have gotten to know him so much better over the summer and i reall yam excited to work with him this coming school year! i do believe that he has grown, a lot. and i am very proud of him. thank you for blessing and placing me here, God! I know i was weary at first but i really am so much happier here than i could have ever imagined!

[ippolitofitness-blog]

My Story

Hey everyone! Welcome to my blog :) My main purpose of this blog is to motivate not only myself but others on their fitness journey! 

So! A little bit about me and my fitness history: My name is Jenni and I am 23 years old. I graduated from Kent State University with a Bachelors in Exercise Science, conc. Physiology.  I am working towards becoming an Occupational Therapist. My main reason for picking this profession is to help those who can not help themselves! Which is also why I decided to become a beach body coach. Coming from a person who has fluctuated and struggled with her weight her whole life, I knew I needed to do something and STICK WITH IT. I can't emphasize that enough. 

Not gonna lie, I have always been self conscious about my body. I was always very active growing up with soccer, softball, and cheerleading, but I was never in the shape I wanted to be in. I was picked on a lot during my high school years, and gained that 15+ in my college years. I was in a bad place, and unfortunately not in a great mindset either. I needed to make a change in my life and thats when I started to do the atkins diet. For those of you who do not know the atkins diet, it is a low carb, high fat and protein diet (no bread, pasta, potatoes, etc.). I also joined beach body and was completing the 21 day fix workout program.  I lost all the weight I gained in college. I was extremely proud of myself but still not where I wanted to be. The side effects of this diet, though, included feeling exhausted and sluggish all the time. Every time I would go exercise I felt like I couldn't finish the workout (and the workouts were only 30min long). I got lazy and stopped working out, and I began eating carbs again and gained all of my weight back so fast PLUS 10lbs! What I did was the quick, easy, and temporary fix, but what I actually needed was the permanent and healthy fix and to follow the 21 day fix nutrition plan. 

So here we are, February of 2018 and I am on phase 2 of 80 day obsession from beachbody and I have never felt better in my life. I am less stressed, more confident, and overall happier then ever! I am moving closer to my goal weight every day and a lot of that is due to my coach, Allison. She has been wonderful posting in our accountability groups and just being surrounded by people who want to better themselves makes YOU want to better yourself too. I decided to be a coach because I have been through the struggle. Hey, I am going through the struggle now! And I want to help myself and others be the best version of themselves and to do it the healthy way! Ive made  every excuse in the book too; “Im too busy, I’m too tired, i’ll start next week, etc, etc.”  But you have to make a choice, mind over matter. And trust me, its so worth it. 

Lets get fit together and not look back! Email below :)  Ippolito.fitness@gmail.com.

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF