#everyone is legally obligated to wish him the happiest of birthdays

[beanghostprincess]

[softlygentlymine]

Compersion & Spirals

Compersion. I’ve understood its definition for a while, and even felt it at times. Being confronted with it at the happiest moment of a friend's life is absolutely wonderful. This weekend I attended a Birthday party for Shifter’s long-term partner, we’ll call her Macaron, who we haved played with in a foursome. It’s the first time we had been introduced to their respective families, which was really special. What was more significant, was the advance notice that this wouldn’t just be a Birthday party, it was also going to be a surprise wedding.

～

About a week ago, or so, I had been messaging Shifter, explaining that Firestorm and I had been discussing polyamory more seriously. I explained to Shifter about wanting to explore that option with him, to ask if the door was open. He did say it was, but I didn’t get the impression it was a discussion that he’d been able to fully explore with Macaron. Ethical Non-Monogamy is one thing, Polyamory - feelings - is a lot messier in its nature, which not everyone can understand. It didn’t come to much of a surprise to receive the following message:

“[Macaron] and I have been chatting on the poly subject again. And she has cold feet about it and would like to keep it just sexy time fun for the time being. I’m sorry to have gotten your hopes up. But when the reality of it set in to [Macaron]. She questioned her ability to manage it. And I will always side with what she says.  Again. I’m so sorry”

It’s more than disappointing, and I tried my best not to feel too let down by the outcome. I tried to explain the feelings I am processing to Firestorm, to keep communicating how I am feeling, and to help him understand my reaction to other relationships as the bloom and wither.

“That's perfectly fine, I totally respect her concerns and am happy to oblige. There's no issues from me on that ”

“Yay.

I feel bad.”

“It's more important to love your wife in a way that respects her. I enjoy our time, and am open if she changes her mind, but respect her decision and will treat it as final ”

I think I handled the rejection well, and although I was not in love, it still hurts to cut short any potential romantic relationship.*

～

Cut back to the surprise wedding, we arrived as per the invitation, which was quite early as far as the festivities went. This meant that we arrived and met the Bride and Groom before most of their own friends and family had a chance to turn up. Seeing him in person after 2 months apart, it was amazing how the electricity returned, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. It’s odd, because objectively he isn’t the most handsome man around, neither is he the fittest. There is a sweetness to his smile, and a depth of honesty in his eyes.**

Knowing this was a special day for the happy couple, I had already resolved to be demure, polite, and interact in a way that suited their introduction of us. I did not want to bring dishonour to their union in front of their families, what we share as consenting adults is none of their business. Just because I would like to behave differently with those I build a relationship with, doesn’t mean they would.

The afternoon passed somewhat quietly, being isolated with Firestorm and his children from the rest of the attendees, it taught me a lot of lessons around guest seating and structure of the event for keeping their interest. I am extremely grateful for the privilege of attending, as it means there are key elements I will try harder to ensure are completed for our wedding.

Keeping with their intent to break tradition, the bride and groom pulled up to the seating area in the same car, a lot of sentimental value attached to the ‘chariot’. The happiness was evident on both their faces, and I felt support, cherishment and love towards them as they walked down the ‘aisle’ together.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it was meaningful. Seeing the culmination of 15 years of life together, 14 years of engagement, was something so incredibly special to be a part of. It made me yearn for my own day later this year. It helped affirm my desire for meaningful connections, with my fiancé, and others who will come into my life.

Seeing Shifter and Macaron in their little bubble of disbelief that they actually completed their intention to marry from so many years ago was interesting. I’ve thought often about the significance of marriage, and that whilst it might not be necessary in the modern era to make the legal commitment, there is a declarative nature to it that I want to take part in. I also think through the injustice of the system itself, restricting the nature of marriage to only two people. The historical frame of monogamous culture restricting the rights and societal recognition of non-monogamous relationship structures is so wrong in my view, I wish there was more I could do to change this.

We left early due to Firestorm wanting to keep a regular bedtime for his children, but I dearly wish we had stayed longer, if only to gaze across the room and celebrate the happy couple. I am looking forward to the shoe being on the other foot, and shining as a bride in my own stead. Before my engagement, I had never fantasized about the big wedding scenario, and yet the closer I get to mine, the more I look forward to it.

～

We are looking at purchasing our first home together. I’ll skip the financial rabbit-hole, and instead focus on how weird it is that this might actually happen. Our personal debts are not perfect, but there is hope that we might be approved and can begin the purchasing process. I’ve been filled with such a nervous energy. Firestorm has been calling the people who can make this happen. Hoping that the outcome of judgement is favourable to making our future a reality.

The location is interesting, as we have chosen to purchase significantly far away from the locations at which we both work. For the compromise in location, we succeed in value of the actual property offering. Better conditions of building, land size and keeping the price well within our budget. There is also the benefit of being nearer to Shifter and Macaron, just the other side of town.

I’m a little conflicted, because I have such a strong attraction to Shifter, and whilst that makes me more comfortable with the decision to purchase a property so far away, it’s not a factor I can rely on to guide my rational decision making. I will enjoy their friendship, but am unable to expect more emotional commitment.

The property comes at a time where we need our own privacy, our own space. We have spoken about it for some time now, and I really think that in the next twelve months we will start trying to fall pregnant. That’s a super intimidating challenge, partially for the life altering, no take-backs consequence of bringing a child into the relationship, and partially because it’s been a discussion for a number of years that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even know if I wanted children for such a long time. It has absolutely helped having a partner who is so domestically inclined, I feel a sense of safety, that I will have someone who cares enough to be completely hands on with child rearing.

～

*Spiral: This feels like all I’m good for some days, a quick lust, a fuck, and sent on my way because I’m not valuable enough to want more from. The difference between Shifter and Crowns (the married man who has pursued me at work) is that I can sense there is a reciprocal emotion with Shifter, and that he’s honouring the commitment to his wife, Macaron, to value her before all others. We still have an open door to playtime as well. I feel sad, but respectful of the decision he has made, and the promise he is keeping to her.

With Crowns...there has been a blatant sexual interest, a retraction and then lust that disobeyed his wife’s requests. I have reason to doubt that there was ever any discussion with her. I could never totally regret my interactions with Crown, as challenging monogamy with Firestorm has led to enough self-awareness and recognition that my desire for established romantic relationships is not unreasonable. It has led to more self-love and actually asking for the kinds of relationships I want, rather than taking the meager offering they wanted to give me. It doesn’t mean that I will accept his advances when honesty is not his first motivation.

Crowns has been frustrating to manage expectations with. A lot of the initial expectation was crushed quickly, and I had thought that would be the end of the discussion. Then, he didn’t let go so easily. I felt caught between leading him on, and genuinely enjoying the company he presented. Conversation always lulled if I didn’t continue the expectation of sexual interest. I felt disappointed that I didn’t warrant more respect. The shadow of interest hadn’t dissipated, but he never crossed the line between wanting me, and actually getting to know me. It left me sad after interactions, and devalued my self-worth. I have come through those emotions to recognize I am worth more than that. I want more than that.

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**Spiral 2: Shifter is out of my reach emotionally, but the look I received from him at the wedding was so heated, I was filled with want. It was a promise of more, a promise of sexual satisfaction, and the honour of his genuine desire for my interaction. I may not be able to enjoy the significance of a romantic relationship, but there is a kindness, a caring and an ethical component to his non-monogamous practice. It also helps that he identifies as polyamorous, so I feel a kinship of understanding.

And even going through my own thoughts, there remains an undercurrent of sadness that he is removed from my potential romantic partners. I really thought there might be something there worth exploring. It’s scary putting yourself out there to people, hoping that they’ll be able to love you. It’s also difficult recognizing kin, and having the frame of romantic monogamy limit your natural inclination to fall in love. I want to fall in love and be loved. I don’t need to spend every day in their pocket, but to acknowledge that the time we spend together will be valuable and sacred.