#everyone has emotionally driven quirks it’s great

[haleigh-sloth]

Toga's quirk is emotionally driven--just like Touya's and Tomura's.

Thinking about how Toga was so sure that this was such a moment of clarity for herself.

"I'm going back to the League" and "My confusion is cleared away". One statement was a matter of fact, she was running back. The other was not, as she wasn't satisfied with the answer she got from someone she thought might listen and try to understand her, but then didn't. But at the time, she was sure she knew what she wanted and was going back to what she knew, was familiar with, and was convinced she wanted--for the time being.

I think the above panel is being pulled into question here. All that confusion she thought was cleared away obviously wasn't.

Toga: I want to be more like the people I love

Also Toga: I can't become them even though I love them

Her quirk--emotionally driven--is not allowing her to go full force. It's similar to when Tenko couldn't decay everything in sight before uncovering his memories. He was being held back, he didn't want to decay everything (he didn't know this though) and uncovering his memories, rather than leading to actual clarity, just led to a bunch of self-deprecating lies that enabled him to go full out with decay.

Toga--again, quirk emotionally driven--can't go full force with hers using Twice's, but also couldn't even do it with just her own when trying Touya and Tomura before the final battle.

Her heart is screaming at her that she doesn't want to be like them, even if she loves them. And that she also doesn't fully want to be like Jin either, even in her attempt to simulate bringing him back to life. For Toga this is devastating--because it's her being forced to face the fact that she's unhappy, evidenced by her not wanting to be like the friends she loves.

It's devastating because if she isn't happy with what she DOES have, then what can she do and what chance does she have at a happy life?

If she doesn't want to be anything like the friends she has, then what does that mean for how she feels about the situation she and her friends are all in? It's all very telling. She's unhappy, and she already knew this but she was trying to run away from that fact. But this is making it to where she can't anymore.

"Why can't I become Jin?" Well, what is it about Jin that she was wanting in this moment? I think there are several answers to this but I've narrowed it down to two that make the most sense to me.

Jin loved the League, there is no doubt about that. She's confused because her love right now isn't enough to use her emotionally driven quirk the way she was able to for Ochacko, and for part of JIn's quirk. Perhaps she's wanting to be like the part of JIn who loved the League wholeheartedly and was happy with them. But the issue is, that was a one-sided feeling and Toga (and the everyone else) knows it. She loved Jin just as much, but she was not happy. She didn't share the sentiment of having a happy life just because of the League. None of them felt that way. Jin was the only member in their group truly motivated by love for his friends. The rest are motivated by anger, revenge, self-hatred, and unreliable self-narration, Toga included. But they are also motivated by wanting something better for themselves too, meanwhile Jin was not looking for anything more, anything better, because he was happy.

That isn't the case for the rest of the LOV, hence why Toga can't fully become him, because even though he was happy, his happiness is not the happiness she wants.

The other thing I'm left to assume she strongly wanted was to basically try to bring him back. Now, Toga knows he's gone. But she is acting out of revenge, and using Twice's blood to enact revenge is her way of letting Twice take revenge for himself. Toga's grief left her broken and I can only assume this image means she wants to be him in order to bring him back—despite knowing it’s not possible.

But even trying to bring him back, she is still being forced to realize what she really wants, which is why she can't use his power to the fullest extent.

Either option works, both options work. Either way, Toga can't run from her truth anymore.

[capt-t-leela]

why don't the new Futurama episodes scratch the itch in the same way that the classic episodes do?

I'm dashing this off quickly while my kid naps, so please keep that in mind when I speak generally and broadly and mostly from memory. It's also a very rough draft.

Classic Futurama had a pretty reproducible format that made it work from a story telling perspective as well as comedically and emotionally. The main source of humor was character driven - put a bunch of very different people into a sci-fi situation that they need to figure out and the conflict, comedy, and resolution will come together from that.

You could break the episodes down roughly like this and they'd all come together, with all of these established things paying off in the end in someway. Again, speaking broadly you establish the first act:

ACT ONE:

a. some big over arching sci-fi OR culturally satirical adventure / theme / scenario

b. an emotional conflict between some of the main characters / something someone is struggling with on their own and they need help with. This conflict is consistent with what we would expect from the characters and their development / traits.

c. a third seemingly goofy thing that was often played for laughs, but had some sort of plot relevance and helped drive the story forward.

Basically, in the first 7 minutes of the episode you'd get all three of those things laid out. The pacing is QUICK and it doesn't patronize its viewers.

Let's look at My Three Suns as an example:

ACT ONE:

a. delivery to the planet trisol - a unique and interesting setting that's new for everyone, not just fry.

b. fry is annoyed that Leela is so protective of him. Leela is annoyed that fry is being a careless idiot. Note: they both have VALID points here, one of them isn't just being irrational and easily dismissed.

c. wtf does bender actually do around here? SO once all of that is setup, we see the humor, conflict, and twists and turns stem from the questions all of these beats raise.

To boot, the characters work through whatever interpersonal / intrapersonal conflict in the context of the Big Adventure.

e.g. Fry realizes that his impulsivity has an effect on the people he cares about -- thanks to Bender's cooking leading him to drink the emperor and getting mixed up in another planet's dealings that then requires Leela to save him, despite her repeated warnings that he shouldn't be an idiot. None of this would have happened without the delivery to Trisol.

Another example:

Farnsworth Parabox:

ACT ONE:

a. the boxes with an infinite number of other universes. big sci-fi scenario to work through. with the potential for adventure! (big overarching adventure)

b. why won't Leela go out with fry??? they both know there's something there, but why is Leela so hesitant? what's stopping her? (interpersonal conflict / something emotional that needs to be resolved)

c. this episode spends a lot of time in the first act showing us key facets of the Planet Express Crew's personalities and quirks - how Leela goes about guarding the box (and her coin flipping, specifically), fry and bender trying to steal it and getting distracted (and Leela knowing what will distract each of them), professor being a crackpot, Hermes being a no nonsense pencil pusher, zoidberg being the worst - these are the goofy things that pay off because The Fighting Mongooses are our crew's foils and fun house mirrors and the comedy comes from their similarities and differences. (something seemingly goofy that helps drive the plot and conflict forward)

All of this is established in the first seven minutes of the episode!

Think about your favorite episodes, and I bet they breakdown similarly. Think about the episodes that don't land for you and I bet they're missing one ingredient (usually one, some, or both of the first two with the third thing usually being something completely irrelevant to the story).

Some Comedy Central era episodes that absolutely follow this formula to great success (not an exhaustive list):

The Prisoner of Benda

The Late Philip J Fry

A Farewell to Arms

Fry and Leela's Big Fling

Which leads me to my final point here....

IMHO one of the best Hulu era episodes is Related to Items You've Viewed, not just because I love me some Freela, but because it follows the formula. Momazon - tech company / monopoly cultural observation. Fry and Leela move in together, they have to navigate that big change together within the context of using Momazon. Bender does a Bender and feels left out, so he acts impulsively and runs away also to Momazon.

The formula isn't EVERYTHING, but it's a solid structure on which to hang lots of references and jokes and character growth.

Ok I gotta go actually like do parenting things, but there ya go. whatcha think?

[theoriesbrainrot]

The similarities of Todoroki Touya and Bakugou Katsuki

In many ways, Todoroki Touya and Bakugou Katsuki are similar people. Not just through their quirks, but also by personality. Both of them were cheerful but ambitious boys with a great deal of insecurities surrounding their self worth. Both of these boys were told they had the perfect quirk, only to be thrown away when they were no longer perfect.

The difference is the timing and severity to which this process happened. For Katsuki, he was told he was perfect throughout his childhood until he came to UA. However, this was never enough to make him truly confident in himself. Deep down, he knew they were praising his quirk, not him. Therefore, as he got older he gained a very shallow understanding of love and compassion. When he finally entered UA, suddenly his former position went up in smoke and he was given a rude awakening in the form of the kidnapping. As we saw in Deku's fight with him, this fall from grace caused a complete mental breakdown on Katsuki's part. Everything he believed to be true had now been called into question thanks to these events. When Katsuki is hurting emotionally, he has a habit of seeking out fights and training to the point of hurting himself. There's one other character who took a similar fall from grace and had a similar reaction: Touya. Touya was in denial the day he became imperfect, much the same way Katsuki denied no longer being number one. Both started training obsessively, to the point of willfully hurting themselves in order to win. With Katsuki, this aspect is harder to see. However, he blatantly tells All Might that "he'll break himself" in order to win. However, not only were Touya and Katsuki dealing with these issues, they were also feeling the pressure at school too. We saw clearly in the manga that Katsuki was under pressure to be perfect due to everyone wanting to be a hero. We also learn in a flashback that Touya was facing similar problems, unable to stop thinking about heroes due to his friends discussing them constantly. When people only praise a child for a specific talent that they have, those children often grow up with self worth issues. They typically have superiority complexes that are caused by low self esteem, as paradoxical as that seems. Due to insecurity, kids like this feel a need to reaffirm their self worth, often aggressively the more bad things happen. Along with this, they often value and rank people by the same metric they themselves were subjected to. In order to move past this problem, these people often have to learn to stop valuing themselves and others based on one specific attribute. We see this happen with Bakugou Katsuki. As he learns to value other people in a healthy way, his own extreme views begin to lessen. This contrasts sharply with Touya's views, which only worsen and become more twisted as time passes by. While he's never stated or treated as such, I believe Bakugou Katsuki's ideal villain counterpart is Dabi. They make excellent character foils to one another, and are driven by a very similar "victory at all costs" mindset. Both of them were ultimately talented kids who had to find a new way to survive when their best stopped being good enough.

[getofy]

what i think the mha boys need in a s/o...

part 1/3

-

characters: todoroki, bakugo, midoriya

spoiler warning: none

cw: gn!reader, headcanons, fluff lol

a/n: for those who have requested matchups, i promise i have not forgotten about you. i am actively working on them!! they just take a while <3.

-

TODOROKI SHŌTO

shōto needs a therapist friend.

listen, he’s not very good at the whole emotions/vulnerability thing yet, but he’s trying. when dating shō, expect some emotional outbursts from him, as he tends to keep it bubbling inside way too often. he needs an s/o that doesn’t mind lending him a shoulder to cry on, and responds to his problems with sympathy rather than pity.

they don’t always need to know what to say, but if they can show him that he is loved, he’ll absolutely melt.

empathy and understanding is a bigbig thing. it’s really important that his s/o has no ulterior motives and genuinely shows that they want him for who he truly is and not for anything else. not his status, his power, or anything like that. just him. shōto todoroki. because at the end of the day he isn’t his grades, his quirk, his past, etc. he is a person. and his s/o needs to show him that that is more than enough.

in no way is this man submissive, but somebody who can talk him out of some of his more impulsive decisions without being too overbearing would be ideal. somebody who can be practical and reason with him, but not to the point where it feels like they’re telling him what to do. he hates feeling tied down like that, yk?

misc...

somebody willing to listen, but not afraid to carry the conversation.

a good cook?

someone hardworking and determined! shows passion and drive in something. whether it be academics or a personal goal. shōto needs somebody equally/almost as driven as him because he connects with people by attempting to understand them.

SOMEONE SUPPORTIVE OF HIS DREAM TO BECOME A HERO AND WILL TELL HIM THAT THEY ARE PROUD OF HIM.

motherly vibes almost?

he just needs a hug man

shōto please marry me

BAKUGO KATSUKI

bakugo needs somebody who is patient and willing to help him grow

i mean...it’s BAKUGO. he’s a hot head and you HAVE to be able to handle that. no crying when he screams at you for getting a math problem wrong HAHAHAH

also: he’s actually very emotionally intelligent so if he knew his attitude bothered you i think he’d at least attempt to be a little gentler

very important to note that having patience does not equal being a pushover. he would absolutely hate dating somebody who cannot assert themselves, and i believe he would not do well with somebody who’s super passive either. he’s extremely dominate, but letting him have his way (not in a sexual way 😐) with you would not be healthy.

not to say that it isn’t possible!!! this is just my opinion. passive bakugo simps rise i hate confrontation too but i would love to have an enemies to lovers relationship with this man.

he’ll need somebody who’s pretty good at picking up on emotions since he tends to lash out a lot too. if you’re able to look deeper into the reasons as to why he’s acting the way he is, he’ll silently love it. you have to be willing to reach out to him.

mutual respect is vital in every relationship but ESPECIALLY in one with mr.katsuki here. if you win his heart, he thinks you’re absolutely incredible, so he needs a s/o that feels the same!!!

he likes feeling capable and enjoys compliments so i actually think he’d benefit from somebody who outwardly displays their affection. validation from you would feel otherworldly to him so do it often!! even if he acts like a douchebag about it just do it. he has a superiorty complex let him be.

misc...

similar to todoroki, he needs somebody who is supportive of him and has their own aspirations in life.

somebody with a REALLY good sense of humor!!! make him laugh and he’ll be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

you have to get along with kirishima, but that won’t be hard to do so it’s fine.

MIDORIYA IZUKU

midoriya needs somebody who will tell him to take care of himself (ITS KINNIE TIME GUYS IM SO SORRY.).

this angel is doing his absolute best.

everyone in 1A is a workaholic but midoriya takes this to another level. he’s so goal-orientated that he tends to overwork himself ALL THE TIME. this is why he needs somebody who will force him to relax. :(. he needs his s/o to remind him that his health matters too.

he’d adore it if his s/o cooked him meals, called him frequently, and made an effort to help him with his hero studies. literally any act of service would make his heart burst. he takes care of so many people it’s like...he needs somebody who will do the same for him too.

basically, he needs a mom friend but not to the extent that shōto would need one HAHA. just like,,, somebody who very obviously cares, yk?

expressive about how much they adore him

misc...

aaa somebody willing to do study dates with him would be an incredible thing for him to experience :]. he enjoys being productive so if his s/o can turn something that’ll contribute to his success as a hero into a date, he’d be like ☆_☆ . would fall harder for you than he already had before (if that’s even possible).

also, don’t sweat it if you’re bad at school, he’s more than willing to help you. he loves being of assistance!

loyalty is a big thing too!!!!

SOMEONE WHO LISTENS OH I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

im being so real if you want to win his heart you have be willing to listen to his rants about all might. having similar interests would be HUGE for him. he needs somebody who will let him rant for as long as he wants without making him feel like a nuisance (don’t we all).

reassurance. he overthinks a lot so somebody who will acknowledge his efforts to be a good boyfriend is mandatory.

someone who understands where his priorities lie.

while he would benefit from a s/o that reminds him not to overwork himself, he absolutely needs them to also realize that he will do whatever it takes to be a great hero.

there needs to be a mutual understanding between him and his partner about how his career is the most important thing in his life.

compromise is gonna be key in this area lol.

part 2 -> coming soon

part 3 -> coming soon

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit permission

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[incorrect-bkdk-quotes]

Hello! I hope it’s okay to ask you questions! I recently re-joined the fandom, bkdk being my main ship had me rewatch and re-read all of their moments! I have some doubts and wanted to ask you about them! We know that bakugou was insecure and punished deku for that. I never understood tho, where exactly is the correlation in this? Also, has he always been worried for deku? Should we see every past moment as him worrying for deku in his own toxic way? ( before actually realising what he felt? ) like when he didn’t want him to join U.A. ? worrying about the quirk? There are these things that I’m not so sure about and I know that are pretty important for them.. so I hope you can explain them to me! I’m sure there’s more I would like to ask, but I don’t even know if I have enough space for my ask eheh

Anon before you decide to hate me, pls understand that I wrote a v nice long meta on this and thought it had been uploaded and I was VERY confused to see that Tumblr just,,,, ate my post,,, :(

I want to rewrite everything I did, but idk if I'll manage to be that eloquent again gdi-

Anyway hello!! I joined the fandom pretty recently myself and I do relate to your experience of combing through the manga + show looking for any nods to your favourite characters and ships!

Before I start rambling, I would like to remind everyone that this is Art, and art is meant to be interpreted.

This is just how / interpreted the story, and it is definitely not the only way to interpret the material, nobody reads into the nuances exactly the same. Also this is bakugou centric bec that's what the anon asked, but dw I have put as much thought into izuku's side of the story too!

Correlation between Bakugou's insecurities and his treatment of Izuku

Ok so I think the correlation comes from the fact that Bakugou has been raised as a typical gifted child, being told he is the best and special and better than everyone else by all the adults or authority figures in his life. However he has also been raised to think that all his "special-ness" comes from his powerful quirk and not him intrinsically. How does he deal with this? By basing his entire identity around his quirk and his sheer power of course and ends up with a self esteem is based in what he can do, not who he is.

This leaves a gaping hole at the core, that's his biggest insecurity. "Who is he without the flashy quirk?" So instead of dealing with that (understandable, he's like what 5? when the quirk kicks in?), he accepts that this is just how the world is. He's just better. More worthy. And everyone will just have to deal with that fact. Not his problem.

Now comes in quirkless izuku, weaker than katsuki in everyway that he saw, but clinging to the same hopes, same ambitions that katsuki did, and it pisses him off while also scaring him. Not exactly in a sentimental i-secretly-worry-about-my-old-friend kind of way.

I just think he's intimidated by Izuku's hero spirit. His insecurity complex manifests as the question- Would he be as driven as Izuku is, to be a hero, if he didn't have the backing of his quirk? That's a hard fucking question that Katsuki is definitely not ready to ask himself. (Oh source? Uh the remedial arc dialogue "if you keep looking down on others, you'll never see your own weakness")

Everything about izuku challenges his perception of the world and he lashes out and tries to squash his own feelings of inadequacy.

And he is convinced Izuku can see through him, and that izuku thinks of himself as a better person and hero than katsuki. Which almost definitely fucks his already fragile self esteem.

Obviously he's wrong to do so. On the other hand he's a child, he's not emotionally mature enough to realise what he's thinking, or contemplate what he's saying before he's said it and that definitely fucks up his relationship with midoriya.

Should we see every past moment through the lens of bakugou being secretly worried for midoriya?

I don't know what we can and should do, I just know that I do not exactly do that. Bakugou wasn't a nice kid and that's just how it is. (What matters is that he worked on himself till he got better and he cares now. He's cared since the early days of watching Deku at UA I'd guess)

I will always view their interactions after UA began with leniency because they're both growing so much.

I do not know how universal this experience is, but a great change, something like going to college, or in this case high school, really Fucks with your world view.

Katsuki has always been the best, far outclassing his peers at everything he did. For the first time he is amongst other strong individuals who can keep up with him, including Deku. Katsuki's still brilliant, but he has to work for that number one spot. (I would go into how his inferiority complex makes it hard for him to accept anything but first spot but we don't have the time)

Just as importantly, Katsuki has also found something at UA, guidance from adults who still expect brilliance, but for more than simply due to his quirk. He also finally makes actual friends (yay bakuquad) who don't turn and flee at the first sign if trouble (.. yes I'm looking saltily at those kids from Aldera who ditched him withinn 2 seconds during that sludge villain attack)

To paraphrase from The Good Place "People change and grow when they receive external love and support, how can we hold it against them if they don't"

With so much changing in his life, is it that hard to believe that Katsuki Bakugou gets better as a hero and as a person?

I am not touching the manga, because idk how much you've read anon, (really the current arc just says it all so clearly!) but even before the end of Season 3, you can see the change in his behaviour.(Yes I'm talking about his acknowledgement of izuku's strength, and yeah Obviously I'm talking about the vulnerability he displays in Deku vs Kacchan 2.0)

And yeah like they say- "the best apology is changed behaviour"

[sorry anon, this veered a little off topic by the end but I hope I hit all your queries??]

[filmadaydiary]

1/18/21 to 1/21/21

Marvel Part 2

I was nervous about watching this set of films, because I know they are the least critically-acclaimed. I figured they would be a slog to get through, mostly filler between the big Avengers events. But I was surprised to find that these films were actually quite character-driven and plot-heavy, albeit relying on the previous events to make everything that much more satisfying. There’s definitely something to be said for knowing what’s going on when you watch a film, as opposed to passively being engaged in the spectacle (which I am often guilty of). I wouldn’t be so quick to write these movies off in the future. 

1/18/21

Thor: The Dark World – Alan Taylor, 2013

Bookending The Avengers with the first two Thor films made for an interesting viewing experience. As mentioned earlier, watching things in chronological order made the overarching plot much easier to follow. I liked seeing what happened with Loki immediately after the events of New York, and that was a nice reminder that not much time has passed between the first Thor and this one. People hate on this movie a lot, and even Ragnarok makes fun of it, but it’s really not that bad. Yes, it’s incredibly dramatic, but it’s also pretty darn exciting! There’s magic, there’s aliens, Chris Hemsworth does that cute Thor smile that melts hearts everywhere. It’s a grand old time. Phase 2 of Marvel is typically regarded as the worst of the bunch, but in my opinion these movies are still pretty darn enjoyable. 

Iron Man 3 – Shane Black, 2013

Speaking of movies that I thought I hated, there’s this. I only saw it one time and then let the popular opinions sway me into dissing this movie again and again. Turns out this is an introspective look at how being in a war zone will negatively affect even the most confident of civilians. Tony suffers from extreme anxiety after New York and has to confront who he is without his armor (literally and metaphorically). It’s so rare that we get to see superheroes get this stripped down, and it’s a nice reminder that Iron Man is really just a guy under all that bravado. My boyfriend thinks that the hatred of this film comes from the portrayal of the Mandarin and how that differs from the comic books, but I think the way they did it here is a really interesting take on a cookie-cutter villain. Don’t write this off so quickly. 

1/19/21

Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Joe and Anthony Russo, 2013

Aka the film where everyone fell in love with Sebastian Stan. No? Just me? What can I say, there’s something about guyliner that really gets me going. Seeing Cap get gritty and real after the optimism in his first outing makes it clear why the Russos were handed the keys to the MCU kingdom. This is a very well-constructed movie, deftly introducing new characters and story elements that feed into the greater plot without compromising what we already know and love. It sets the foundation for Steve and Natasha’s friendship going forward and helps fill in the blanks for what’s happening on Earth while there are galactic happenings in the other films. Plus the fight scenes in this film are truly epic. Steve’s takedown of the Hydra agents in the elevator is for sure one of the highlights. The ending does drag a little, but the rest of the film sets the tone for many of the other MCU entries going forward. 

1/20/21

Guardians of the Galaxy – James Gunn, 2014

And now, onto something completely different! This movie, much like Captain Marvel, does feel slightly out of place when watched in sequence with the others. But since it takes place in 2014, we have to watch it here. I can understand why this is the favorite of many Marvel fans. In many ways, it feels much more like a comic book than the others. It’s colorful, it’s chaotic, and being set against the backdrop of ‘80s pop music gives it a certain sense of nostalgia. You can’t help but dance along with Quill in the opening number, and it does wonders to endear him to the audience. The ragtag gang is always a fun dynamic to play with, even more so when they’re criminals. Oh, and Lee Pace is there, which means I will automatically like the movie more. The characters are edgy and unique, each with distinct personalities and quirks. Those do soften out a bit over the course of the movies, which is a shame as they all get lumped into one ensemble and become flatter for it. But there is no doubt that this is a very fun time. 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – James Gunn, 2017

This movie was slightly disappointing, thought it was much more enjoyable right on the heels of the first one (as opposed to three years later in theaters). I don’t love the Guardians sense of humor, it tends to be a little bit too goofy and rely on cringing or making fun of others as opposed to real jokes. So for me, I didn’t have the best time here. The only thing of value to the overarching storyline is the evolution of Nebula as a character, and builds connection between the characters. Although much of that connection is built off-camera, between the two movies. There aren’t even any Infinity Stones in this movie. It feels too unnecessary to have a whole movie just about getting the characters where they need to be when we won’t see them again until Infinity War. Space escapades are fun and all, and Baby Groot is always a bonus. Okay, and the soundtrack is also excellent, and there were a few moments that genuinely did make me laugh. My problem is it makes the jump back to Earth very jarring, and I wish there was a way to smooth that out somehow. 

1/21/21

Avengers: Age of Ultron – Joss Whedon, 2015

Ah, Age of Ultron. Another movie that seems to be widely disliked by the fans. I saw this at a midnight premiere as well, and I had a great time. I had a great time watching it now as well. Ultron’s creation is truly haunting, and his cold, calculating logic in destroying the human race feels almost reasonable. If you’ve been paying attention, then Ultron no longer seems like an overreaction from Iron Man, but instead an extension of his anxiety and his drive to protect everyone now that he knows what’s out there. The movies in between the first Avengers and this one actually did a good job of setting up where everyone is emotionally and why it’s important for them all to be back for this major event. Plus, here we get some nice character-building for Hawkeye, my main man. This pushes the Avengers in a new way, with world-ending stakes, and I think it’s great. Not only are they fighting an endless army of robots, but this time they’re also racing against the clock because they’re on a city in the sky. It’s so cool! Not to mention loads of other things get set up in this film, from Vision to Thor’s epiphany about the Infinity Stones. It sets the stage for a whole new era of Avengers, one that I’m very excited to move on to. 

[adiwriting]

Sunday Mornings 6/?

Notes: Because I feel like these two fluff muffins would playfully bicker about whose more romantic, but they certainly would be competitive with other couples... Shout out to @cosmicclownboy​ for the inspiration. 

Week 6: 

If Michael is being honest, he wasn’t sold on the idea at first. When Alex had woken him up at 5am, telling him to grab his shoes and meet him at the car, Michael hadn’t been thrilled. After all, 5am is incredibly early for his day off and he’d been really looking forward to sleeping in. But now that they have arrived, Michael has to admit, he’s coming around. 

After all, being driven out to the middle of the desert, to the same spot that they used to come to when they were kids, just to watch the sunrise together? It’s a pretty smooth move. A move made even more romantic when Alex reveals that he’s packed breakfast for the two of them. 

Michael pulls down the tailgate as Alex grabs a blanket to spread out over the bed of the truck. Just like old times. 

“You know, you don’t have to work so hard to get laid,” he teases as he helps Alex climb into the back. He’s careful to send him a wink though to let him know that he very much appreciates the effort. 

“You’re welcome.” His smile is big and unguarded. It has Michael rocking back on his heels. 

Fuck. He’s seriously the most attractive person in the entire world. Looking at him when he’s like this always catches Michael’s breath. He still doesn’t understand how he’s finally being allowed this after all the shit he’s done, but he’s not going to fight it. 

Michael shakes his head clear and crawls up after him. Alex is already lounging attractively, arms open, inviting Michael to join him. He wastes no time snuggling up beside him. They lay there like that, Michael with his head on Alex’s shoulder, staring up at the few remaining stars they can still see as the sky turns a light blue. Sunrise is nearing. 

“Did I miss an anniversary or something?” Michael asks after several minutes. 

“Can’t I just want to do something romantic for my boyfriend?” Alex asks. 

Michael rolls onto his stomach and puts his arms on Alex’s chest before resting his head against them. “You can. I was just curious what inspired this?” 

“It’s nothing,” Alex says in a way that means it’s most certainly something. Michael stares at him until he continues. “It’s just something stupid Rameriz said to me the other day.” 

“Rameriz? That douchey sergeant who works the gate?” 

Alex nods. 

“What the fuck did he have to say?” Michael asks, silently thinking that whatever it was, he probably still owes him a beer for getting Alex to plan all of this. 

“He was talking to the guys, trying to get advice for this romantic anniversary he’s planning, and then made a joke that I didn’t have to worry about that stuff because I’m dating a guy,” Alex said. “I don’t know, it’s stupid. But it annoyed me.” 

Michael sits up. “What because we’re two dudes, we can’t be romantic?” 

Alex sits up to join him. “Apparently,” he says with a deep sigh. 

Alex rolls his eyes and Michael finds he’s just as annoyed. “Did you tell him that we’re like romance goals?” 

Alex snorts. “Romance goals?” He quirks his eyebrow at Michael, teasing him and damn, Michael just wants to tackle him and have his way with him… but that will have to wait. 

“I don’t know,” he says, ducking his head to hide a blush. “That’s what Isobel calls us.” 

“Good,” Alex replies, and Michael looks up to see him puffing out his chest a bit. “I’m glad somebody appreciates a decent love story.” 

“Decent?” Michael scoffs. “What happened to cosmic?” 

“I just… If I have to hear about Liz and Max and their stupid handprint story one more time, I’m going to scream,” Alex says.

Michael is about to agree, because he has noticed that Max has a tendency to talk about his relationship like it’s the end all and be all. As if he’s the only one that found his soulmate in high school and spent ten years pining… Then Alex’s words click. 

“Do you want a handprint?” he asks, seriously. 

“No,” Alex says instantly then pauses, actually thinking about it. The tension in his body relaxes and he reaches out for Michael’s hands. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that,” he says much softer this time. “If you ever decided that was something that you wanted to share with me, I would 100% welcome your handprint on me. Because there’s not a single part of you that I don’t welcome. What I meant was… I don’t need it. We fell in love without all of that. When Liz or Max tell me that story, I don’t get jealous, because I know and see all of you without any handprint. And I know you see me too.” 

Michael smiles at that. He feels the same way. He’s sure one day, he’ll try it with Alex just to see how it feels. But the truth is, he’s never done it with Alex because it always seemed like a crutch. Max used his handprint with Liz to show her how he felt about her because he couldn’t say the words. Most of his problems with Alex have stemmed from an inability to communicate, and if he wants this to work, he’s determined not to take any shortcuts. 

“You know, Max is always asking Isobel how to win back Liz,” Michael explains. “I’ll be sitting right there and he won’t even think to ask me about it, even though, between Iz and I, I’m clearly more likely to have advice on winning back your soulmate after you’ve messed up.” 

“That’s because everyone thinks all we do is fuck,” he says, dragging over the cooler he’d packed to start pulling food out. 

“I mean, we do fuck a lot… but that’s not all we do,” Michael argues. 

“Yeah, I don’t think they believe either of us can be romantic though,” he says. “They look at us and see a repressed airman and…” Alex waves his hand over Michael, searching for the right word to describe Michael. 

“Sex god?” Michael teases, earning him a shocked laugh. 

“I was gonna go with emotionally stunted cowboy with too much swagger, but that comment probably says enough.” Alex glares at him playfully.  

Over Alex’s shoulder, Michael catches the first glimpse of sunrise as the horizon lights up a bright orange. Michael nods towards it. “We gonna watch this thing?” 

Alex spins around on the spot to face the sunrise and Michael pulls Alex back against his chest and hugs him from behind, hooking his chin over his shoulder. 

“Anyone that thinks you can’t do romance, is an idiot,” Michael tells him, kissing the side of his neck as the sun slowly paints the sky vivid shades of red and orange, making Alex’s skin just glow. 

Alex smiles at him over his shoulder before turning back around, resting his head against Michael’s shoulder. 

“This may be more romantic than the first time you took me to look at the stars when we were kids.” Michael doesn’t need to see Alex’s face to know that he’s looking smug. 

“Mmmm,” he hums in agreement. He may find Alex’s confidence sexy as hell, but he certainly can’t allow it. Because this morning has been pretty impressive, but Michael has had some pretty smooth moments himself. 

“Well it’s more romantic than me taking you to see the stars, but less romantic than when I surprised you at the airport after your first tour,” he points out, playfully pinching Alex’s side, earning him a laugh. 

“I’ll take your airport surprise and raise you a love note slipped into your wallet before my second tour,” Alex says. 

And, yeah. That’s fair. It had taken Michael a few days to find it once Alex had left, but damn… It had been a hell of a note. Michael still has it in his wallet to this day. Those ten years hadn’t been great, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t had some truly brilliant moments. 

“No no no. See, I bought an airstream so you could come home on leave and not have to see your father,” he argues, enjoying messing with Alex, mostly because Alex was always super competitive. “I win the romance game.” 

Alex scoffs. “You bought an airstream so you wouldn’t have to sleep in a truck.” 

“I bought an airstream so you wouldn’t have to sleep in my truck,” Michael says. 

Alex sits up and looks at him with narrowed eyes, trying to see if that’s the truth or not. Michael continues to smile at him, refusing to give anything away. Alex eventually huffs. 

“Let’s just agree that we’re both awesome,” he says, grabbing some of the fruit he’d packed before settling back in against Michael. 

“Is that Alex Manes for ‘fine you win?’” 

Alex laughs. “You’re a real jackass.” 

“Your jackass,” he says, stealing the strawberry from Alex’s hand and eating it himself. 

Alex huffs. “There’s literally more strawberries right next to you,” he complains. 

“It tastes better when it’s yours,” he says, repeating the same argument Alex always makes whenever he steals Michael’s coffee. Alex glares at him for a minute and Michael just smiles back sweetly until Alex’s face relaxes and he melts back into him. 

They sit there for several more minutes in silence as the sun seems to settle and the sky returns to a more natural blue, all traces of red and orange gone. Even then, Alex doesn’t move and Michael has no plans to make him. They eat their breakfast in comfortable silence, Michael stealing Alex’s food every so often and Alex randomly bringing their joined hands up to place kisses at the back of Michael’s hand. 

They have nowhere to be and no reason to rush. 

At some point Alex starts humming a song Michael doesn’t recognize, which probably means that it’s the secret song he’s been writing for the last week. The song that Michael isn’t allowed to ask about but will get to hear with everyone else at the next open mic night. 

If there is such a thing as a perfect moment, this is it. He suddenly feels the need to immortalize this morning, even though he really isn’t much of a ‘document the moment’ kind of guy. 

“Do you really wanna piss the heteros off?” Michael asks. 

“What?” Alex sounds resigned, but Michael knows him well enough to know that he’s already agreed without needing to hear whatever Michael is about to say, and he loves that about Alex. He reaches into his pocket and hands Alex his phone. 

Alex smiles at him in understanding, taking the phone from him. He types Michael’s password in and he opens up the camera app and holds it out in front of him, careful to include both of them in the frame as well as their picnic.

“Ready?” 

Michael nods and at the last second, as Alex is taking the photo, Michael kisses Alex’s cheek. 

And that’s how, twenty minutes later, they both end up updating their social media for the first time in over a year talking about love, surprises, and sunrise meals. #RelationshipGoals. 

Tagged: @callieramics​​

As always if anyone wants to be tagged, let me know!

[cagestark]

Introduction to Ink//2

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Chapter Four

About this: nff, fem!Tony. College AU. Discussion of past kidnapping. 

-

There’s the eight of them: himself, Nat, Steve, Clint, Thor, Wanda, Bruce, and Toni. Natasha has an incredible firepit, all expensive paving stones and matching brick inlaid into the foundation of the patio. Bucky drags his chair back an extra few feet until he can barely feel the warmth of the flames; he doesn’t care for fire.

Toni is seated across from him, her figure sometimes lost to the flames and shimmering smoke when someone stokes the fire or adds a new log. It’s a mercy and a crime to lose sight of her, her tanned skin glowing orange, the flickering flame enhancing the shadow of her cheekbones and jaw and the modest arch of her breasts. They’d barely be palmfuls to him, easy for him to cup and flick his thumbs over her nipples.

Fucking hell, he thinks, shifting in his seat. Thinking that kind of pornographic bullshit about a girl he’s barely spoken to is perverse at best. To distract himself from the sight of her and the growing tingle in his groin, he reaches for the pack of cigarettes beside his chair and lights one up.

Around the fire, conversation never ceases. Thor, evidence provided by his deep tan, has been on the west coast and brought home with him a collection of stories with each wilder than the last. The group gets a kick out of teasing Toni for her horrified reactions, the collective good-natured laughter of the group drawing his eyes back to her, reluctantly. She flushes each time, gritting her teeth and rolling her eyes.

“Come on, T, your turn to tell a story,” Nat goads, trying to draw the reclusive girl into the conversation. All eyes turn to her. Bucky catches her heavy gaze on him before she looks down at her lap where her hands are clenched tightly together. “You’ve told me some. Tell them about your Uncle Obie—”

“I’d rather not,” Toni mutters dryly.

“Oh, please? Please, please, please?” Natasha slips from her perch on Steve’s lap to kneel dramatically at Toni’s feet, her hands clasped together in beseechment. God, she’s so much fucking looser when she’s drunk. Less Macbethian rigidity and more Midsummer Night’s Dream-esque silliness. Murmurs rise up around the fire as the others chime in, hoping the chip away at the girl’s reserved exterior.

“Isn’t the point of a party to distract yourself from the mundane and unsavory aspects of your life?” Toni wonders, reaching out to pat at Natasha’s hair, red as the flames. (Clint boos, but at least this time Toni’s lips quirk upwards in a smirk. She’s learning to take pleasure in Clint’s disappointment. She’ll fit into their friend group fine, thinks Bucky fondly).

Nat leans up, pressed flush against Toni’s side. She cups a hand around Toni’s ear as if to give them privacy, only she’s cupping it the wrong way, directing the sound of her stage whisper towards the rest of the group when she says: “Isn’t Bucky distracting you enough?”

Bucky drops his cigarette, flinching to wipe it away from where it lands on his jeans before it can burn a hole through them. The circle grows quiet, the sound of the fire as it crackles nearly deafening in the awkward silence. Toni’s gaze flicker to Bucky—an instinct thanks to Natasha saying his name—and those dark eyes grow wide like moons, her entire face flushing with a cocktail of embarrassment and anger. Nat gapes, suddenly aware of her faux pass, but she has no time to remedy it before Toni is standing.

“I’m going to go—get a drink,” she mutters, turning away and disappearing inside the house.

“Damn it,” Nat sighs. Steve reaches out to coax her back into his lap.

“Great one,” Bucky snaps. He reaches down to pick up his cigarette from the patio, tucking it back into his mouth. No use wasting it. “Really. Can we all give Natasha a round of applause, please?”

“Lay off, Buck,” Steve says with a frown. Even in the safe circlet of his arms, Natasha’s frown is heavy.

“I’m sorry, it just came out,” she says. “She’s been staring at you all day.”

“Toni and Bucky?” Sam says, eyebrows high. “I wouldn’t have seen that coming.”

“Not like that you dumbass. She can’t stop looking because she thinks I’m a circus freak,” says Bucky. “And you embarrassed the both of us. Anybody else says another word about it and I’m out of here.”

“Hey,” Clint says fondly, leaning out to lay one of his broad palms on Bucky’s shoulder. With exaggerated coolheadedness, he suggests: “Chill the fuck out.”

While the two of them begin to trade biting comments much to the amused delight of the rest of the circle, Steve presses a comforting kiss to Natasha’s temple and murmurs in her ear, “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

Natasha turns her head into the side of his neck to hide from the rest of their friends, lets her quirking lips brush against Steve’s skin as she murmurs, “ Nothing .”

The patio door opens. Toni appears, cheeks still a little red, with a beer in her hand. Brave little thing, Bucky thinks to himself watching as she returns to her seat and smoothly uses the metal arm of the patio chair to pop the cap off like some kind of expert. She takes a long sip, resolutely looking into the fire as if she can sense everyone’s eyes on her.

“So,” she says at last. “My Uncle had me kidnapped.”

A long moment of silence.

Then, from Clint: “What the fuck . While you were in the kitchen?”

-

The group’s drunkenness makes them the perfect audience. There are gasps and exclamations and No fucking way’s! as Toni relays a story that’s dramatic and horrifying and apparently entirely true: how a group of hired men had killed one of Toni’s bodyguards and carried the girl off; how her own father hadn’t been willing to pay the ransom; how she had escaped thanks to her own inventiveness only to be picked up by her Uncle Obie, who instead of driving them home, had driven deeper into nowhere. She’d put the puzzle pieces together and thrown herself from the moving car and spent 8 hours walking through the woods before she’d found civilization and returned home. Apparently Uncle Obie is serving a life sentence in Attica.

“That’s trauma. That’s like, first-class trauma. That’s not carry-on, either. You need to have that trauma luggage checked,” Clint rambles, though everybody is making noises of agreement. “Wait, I’m not the authority on childhood trauma. Wanda?”

“Trauma,” she decides concisely. Her face hasn’t yet returned to its normal color, not since Howard refused to pay the ten-million-dollar ransom.

“Hey,” Toni says, grinning. The bottle she’d brought out from the kitchen is empty now, and since it’s completion, she’s been noticeably looser. Light weight, Bucky thinks, the corners of his lips quirking up around his latest cigarette. “I warned you! Honestly, though, it wasn’t that bad. Not my worst kidnapping by far.”

“Please, no more,” says Wanda.

“No more,” Toni agrees. The two girls’ chairs are close enough that Toni can lean and rest her head on Wanda’s shoulder, the most outgoing and affectionate she’s been all night. Bucky isn’t going to be fucking jealous of Wanda’s bony shoulder.

“Should we break out some glow sticks and play more pong?” Natasha suggests. “I’m losing my buzz.”

Steve makes a face from behind her, probably not eager to see his girlfriend slip back into the verbacious phase of drunkenness, but everyone else promptly agrees, standing to vacate their chairs.

“Dibs on Bucky as my partner!” Clint shouts.

“I’m sitting out,” Bucky says. Everyone boos. “I’ll play the winner, okay?” Everyone cheers.

Natasha’s property is huge, so Bucky lets himself skirt along the edge of the woods, staying within the glow of the fairy lights but walking far enough away that he loses sight of his friends and can only hear their shouts and laughter carried on the wind. It’s become cool enough that he shrugs his jacket back on, his black on black ensemble probably helping him blend into the darkness whenever he steps into the treeline.

Ever since Becca died and Bucky moved upstate to be with his ma, Bucky has been prone to episodes of melancholy. He used to be a party animal when he’d first met Steve and Nat; they’d become thick as thieves partying together and watching out for each other. Now he can’t make it through a party without feeling the urge to wander off and away, to detach himself physically the way he so often feels emotionally. Finding a sturdy tree, he lets himself rest against it, head pressed against the rough bark, eyes closed (though he can see the glow of the lights through his eyelids).

“Oh shit—” There comes the violent cracking of sticks and the sound of a body tumbling. Heart pounding from the sudden shout, it only takes a few steps for him to find Toni on the ground, her skirt in a pool around her slim body, dark hair wreathed in gold from the lights above them. She looks up at him, flushed. “I hate nature. Really. And I’m pretty sure that the feeling is mutual.”

“Are you okay?” Bucky rasps, reaching one of his hands down even though his heart is in his throat. She hesitates at the sight of it before reaching out and tucking her smaller hand into his own and letting him gently pull her up from the ground. “You didn’t twist somethin’ did you?”

“Just my pride. Wait, you said twisted not destroyed.”

“Happens to the best of us. And to Clint, too.”

“Clint more often than others?” she asks. This close, the size difference between them is enough to go to his head and to his gut: she must barely be past five feet tall, slim and willowy and nothing like the girls he usually dates. Then again, he’s probably the last kind of guy she’d ever date. Still, she’s fucking pretty: those dark, big eyes with pinpoints of light in the pupils since she’s got her head tilted up to look at him, her mouth full and wide, chin pointed.

Bucky clears his throat, already having forgotten her question. “What are you doin’ out here?”

Toni sets her jaw. “I came to find you.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I—wanted to apologize.”

Bucky blinks. “What for?”

She waves a hand back towards the distant sound of their friends. “For today. I didn’t treat you very, very, god, what’s the word. Does being drunk always feel like this, feel like my brain is scrambled eggs? Anyway, I came off like a real bitch.”

“Nah,” says Bucky, even if it’s a little true. He raises his chin, puts the honeycomb on his neck on display just to watch her eyes be drawn to it, her mouth parting a little. “I’m used to it, kid. Lookin’ the way I do. I understand.”

“That’s not right, though,” Toni is quick to supply. She still has her eyes on his throat. “It’s your body. Obviously. Also I'm not a kid, I'm twenty-two with a doctorate in engineering. I just, I’ve only ever seen one tattoo before. Excluding TV. It was like, this big? Maybe a little smaller. Of a peony, I think, maybe paeonia lactiflora , something in the paeonia family, anyway. I’ve just never seen anyone who looked like you before.”

Bucky doesn’t wince, but it’s a close call. “I get it.”

“You look so—” Bucky prepares himself for some kind of noun or adjective that he’ll have to swallow down like the most bitter medicine, grit his teeth and accept. Based on her expression, she’s still struggling to find the words she wants, her expression open and almost-awed in a way that makes him feel like he’s standing on the ridge of a tree root liable to fall over any moment. “You look like art.”

Whatever Bucky was expecting—it wasn’t that. She means it, too. He can tell. The shell she’s fortified around herself all night has cracked, and inside he can see the embryonic hints of a girl very young (though not nearly as young as he had thought, thank god), whose life until recently has been forcefully closed off and punctuated with moments of real terror. She isn’t horrified. She’s awed. She’s intrigued. She’s curious.

On a whim, Bucky shrugs off his jacket. It’s intoxicating to see her expression change: the eyes widen, the mouth parts, all at the sight of him alone. It’s a heady power that he isn’t used to feeling. But does the power belong to him, or is it simply washing over him? Maybe this slip of a girl is really the one with the power, power that he feels helpless to bend to.

Holding out a hand, he feels something like a princess offering his knuckles for her to kiss. She reaches out on instinct, stopping just shy of his skin to look up in question. The area beneath her slim fingers buzzes like the air before a lightning strike. He nods, willing to be struck.

Fingers with calloused tips brush from his first knuckle down over the letter (H, HATE across his left proximal digits and LOVE across the right ones). He holds his breath, begging his hand not to tremble at her touch as she trails her burning fingers up over the hill of his knuckle and down into the valley where the skin is thin and sensitive.

“I can’t even feel it,” Toni mutters. “Which, I mean, I knew. The ink penetrates all the way down to the dermis to avoid the keratinization process, but it’s just—I thought I would feel it.”

More breathless than he’d like to be: “Not sure what all that means. Sometimes you can feel them, though. When they don’t heal right.”

She looks up at him with wide, glittering eyes. “Is that so?”

Bucky nods. She hums, turning her eyes back to his hand where she runs her fingers over the ivy along the back, mussing the soft thin hairs that grow there. His throat clicks when he swallows, but he doesn’t think she can hear it, not over the screech of the evening insects and not through the trance she seems to be in, turning his hand this way and that way, coaxing it into supination so she can follow the trail of leaves.

She drags the tip of her fingernail gently down the center of his palm and he can’t help but shudder. There’s a dangerous heat blooming in his gut and several inches lower the tell tale feeling of blood rushing south. Thank God his jeans are tight enough to pin his cock close to his body.

“Why nothing here?” she asks, tapping the center of his palm just over his head line.

“They don’t take as well.”

“Thicker skin,” says Toni. “Epithelium on the palms and soles can be three times thicker than your average layer epithelial tissue. That must make it difficult to get to the dermis.”

“You learn that at school?”

“No; I’m at NYU for physics. But I read a lot.” She moves on from his palm, tracing the ivy down his forearm. The skin is so sensitive that he can’t hide the goosebumps that bloom or the way his body shivers. She doesn’t remark on it, but her eyes do flicker up to gauge his expression. Fuck, she must see right through him. He’s got no idea what he looks like, but if it’s anything like how he feels (and his ma always did say that he was an open book), then she knows everything in a single glance. How infatuated he is. How attracted he is.

She shivers. He reaches down to pick up his jacket and offers it to her, the both of them laughing when she slips it on and has to push the sleeves up. It shouldn’t feel so good to see her in his clothes, but it does. Jesus, it does.

With firmness, she guides his arm outward away from his side so that she can see the entire upper portion of the sleeve, the portrait of Strazza’s the Veiled Virgin. The way she moves him, twists him this way and that way has his cock aching. I’d take orders from her all day long , he thinks to himself, wishing he could reach down and adjust himself without drawing attention to his aching hard on. All night, too.

On his right arm, she repeats many of the same gestures, tracing the hills and valleys of his knuckles, examining his pale, unmarked palms, tracing the veins up his forearms, pausing to scratch gently at one of the dotted geometric shapes on his bicep. It’s torture to stand there and feel her touch on him, her eager, intoxicated eyes eating up his skin. You look like art, she had said. Under her hands, he feels like it.

When she runs into the sleeve of his t-shirt, she coaxes it back, trying to follow the trail of a chain. She makes a soft, unhappy sound when she can’t expose any more skin. It makes him swallow on reflex, bicep tightening under her hand as a thought comes to him. He opens his mouth to offer but shuts it again quickly.

“What?” she asks, looking up at the motion in the corner of her eye.

“Nothing.”

“Wh-at?”

“I was just—I’ll take it off for you. If you want to keep looking.”

Her eyes get heavy-lidded, roaming over his face as she searches for something. Somehow, she looks even drunker than she did moments ago when he first found her sprawled out on the ground. Not that he blames her; he hasn’t had a drink since the bonfire began, but he still feels drunk enough without it. Then he realizes why: she isn't drunk, she's turned on. The way she's shifting and can't stand still, thighs pressing together tight. This is turning her on, and that thought is nearly enough to bring him to his knees.

“Okay,” she says. She pokes his shoulder, her aim affected. “I want to see where this one ends.”

Bucky steps back to give himself the room needed to take off his shirt, though Toni seems to sway towards him. Like he’s got a gravitational pull, like she’s fallen too deep into his atmosphere to pull away now. With a shaking breath, he reaches for the neck of the shirt and tugs it off over his head, losing sight of her for just a moment.

She takes him in. His chest isn’t as saturated as his arms are. The honeycomb runs down to his collar bones before the lines begin to break down, reassemble into sheet music. Strict black and white linework that uses his own pale skin as the paper of the page. The chain that led up over his shoulder curves around his back to knot itself around the middle of his backpiece. From the base of his sternum down to the V of his hips, he is bare. Planning something big, he thinks, though he only has half-formed ideas.

Through each of his pale pink nipples are barbells.

“Good God,” Toni mutters under her breath. She places a burning palm on one of his bare shoulders so that she can lean in and remark, “Why would you do that? Didn’t that hurt?”

She’s so close that he can feel her breath fan across his chest. God, to reach out and tangle his fingers in her dark hair and draw her mouth those last six inches, to feel the soft rasp of her tongue over his sensitive nipples. He nearly groans at the thought. His nipples tighten under the attention of her gaze, aching in the best way.

“It all hurt,” Bucky rasps. The bite of the piercing needles, the sting of the tattoo gun—all of it had given him a sense of euphoria. A sense of pride in his body the likes of which he hadn’t had when he was young and insecure. “I guess I liked it anyway.”

She draws her fingers over the lines of his clavicles before turning her hand over so that the soft backs of her fingers trail down one defined pec. Maybe she tries to avoid it, her spatial reasoning fucked thanks to the beers she's had, but her pinky drags over his nipple. He does groan this time, the brief spike of pleasure going straight to his aching cock. One of his own hands drops, almost grabs his erection on instinct before he wills it away, reaching out to grip at a nearby low treebranch.

Toni pulls back like she’s been burned. “Sorry,” she says. “Did that hurt?”

Bucky clears his throat but doesn’t trust his voice. Instead, he shakes his head in the negative. She resumes her teasing touches, asking him to turn this way and that way, giving a delighted laugh at the spinal column tattooed from the nape of his neck down. Anatomically correct, she says. Though some of the cervical vertebrae are missing.

Every word she says goes straight to his cock whether it's about intervertebral disc space or whatever else. With his back to her and her attention on the tattoos there, he lets his hand drop as covertly as possible, rubbing without mercy at his confined cock, desperately willing the thing away. The rough touch nearly brings him to the brink, he’s that fucking close, innervated by every drag of her fingers, every press of her palm, every scratch of her curious fingernails. His head falls back, eyes shut tight against the lights above them, wondering if he can hide cumming in his pants long enough to get back to the house, say goodbye, and scram.

He pulls his hand back just as he feels the firm pressure of her turning him to face her, but this time there is no avoiding it. Her eyes have fallen naturally to the lines of ink peeking just over the waistband of his jeans. But centered in between and six inches lower is a bulge that can’t be disguised as anything but what it is. Bucky winces, reaching up to drag one palm against his forehead. This is probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to him, and Jesus, when Toni tells Nat about how Bucky coaxed her to feel him up and then popped a stiffie over it, the redhead will kill him.

When Toni speaks, her voice is an octave lower, letting one thumb brush against the flash of ink on his right hip. “Should—I mean...should you take your pants off?”

Bucky blinks. That was the last thing he expected to hear come from her mouth. “I...don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Toni’s face crumples a little. “Right. Sorry. I misread things. My therapist says I struggle with social cues.”

“Hey, that ain’t it,” says Bucky. He doesn’t like that look on her face, that burned, insecure expression. He’ll wipe the expression right off of her even if it means he embarrasses himself further. “It’s just been a long time since—Jesus, Buck, don’t say that. I mean that I’m not really known for my self control, and I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”

“I can’t fathom a world right now where I’d regret you taking your pants off.”

“You can’t fathom it right now. But what about later when you sober up, huh?”

Toni rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her thin chest, the picture of childish petulance. “Oh come on. I’m not that drunk. Look, I’m an adult and you’re an adult. I’d really like to—to touch you, and correct me if I'm wrong but you seem like you’re receptive.”

Bucky’s cock supports the idea, twitching towards her. Fucking traitor. He steps back to put distance between them, to stop breathing her in and feeling the heat of her and to maybe clear his fucking head. It’s no wonder if he doesn’t have the oxygen to use his brain when all the blood has gone right to his dick.

“Toni,” he rasps lowly. “Come on, honey. Don’t do me like this. I’m trying to be good here.”

“I like the way you say my name,” she says, taking a step forward to make up for the distance he tries to put between them. Her face is a helpless mix between arousal and innocence: eyes heavy and pupils huge, cheeks flushed, mouth parted. She can’t have any idea what she’s doing to him, what she’s been doing to him since he saw her head ducked over a textbook in the middle of a raging party.

His back hits a tree, the rough bark scratching at his bare skin. He lets his head fall back, working to keep his breathing stable. “Toni. You should go back to the house.”

She pursues him with a single-minded intensity. He feels frozen under her eyes, just one of Medusa’s admirers helpless to look away. She’s so short that when she presses herself flush against him, his cock is nestled against her belly. The pressure makes his head spin even as he presses his hips backward, pinning himself to the tree to keep from grinding against the firmness of her body.

“I don’t have any practice,” she says, placing a palm against his sternum and dragging it down, down, down until it cups his clothed cock, hand looking downright dainty against him. He sees stars behind his eyes, cock jerking beneath her grip even though she is being far too gentle. “But I’m well versed in the theory, and I think you’ll find I’m a quick learner.”

If she thought that would seduce him, she is both right and wrong. A tiny primitive part of his brain revels in confirmation of what he already expected—if she’d barely seen tattoos in person, of course she didn’t have any sexual experience. He would be the first, the one to stain her like ink across her skin. His cock would touch places inside of her that hadn’t ever been touched. There is a darkness in him that would revel in splitting her open, in being the first to make her cum with his fingers and mouth and cock.

But there’s no fucking way he’d ever even voice those thoughts, much less give into them. What kind of a person is he to be aroused by the thought of taking her virginity, of taking advantage of her drunken state and lack of experience?

His fingers wrap all the way around her wrist when he pulls her away. With firmness, bending down so that they are nearly nose to nose, he says: “ No . I’m not that kind of guy. You want me so bad? Come find me when you’re sober.”

Toni staggers away from him, nearly upending herself. Her face is pale, and she looks a little like she’s going to be sick. “Right. You’re right. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—I know what no means.”

“I know you do,” Bucky says softly. He lets his hand fall, fingertips brushing against the pale skin above his waistband, above his aching cock. Her eyes track the movement, throat bobbing while she swallows. Fuck, that hungry look on her face is almost too much. She’s hungry for it even if she’s never had it, even if she hardly knows what she wants. “You couldn’t take advantage of me if you tried. Trust me. I just—I ain’t gonna take advantage of you neither.”

Her eyes roll. “My hero. Thanks. Can’t believe I’m going back to the party with sticky panties. That’s really uncomfortable, you know.”

Bucky groans. “Don’t tell me nothing about your panties.”

“At least we’re both suffering,” she says with a vindictive smile. She jerks a thumb towards the sound of their friends’ voices just as a cheer rises up, echoed by the angry shouts of someone losing and demanding a rematch. “Are you coming? We can walk back together.”

Shifting, Bucky reaches down and adjusts himself. “I’ll be there as soon as I can walk.”

He watches as she walks away, her hair and dark skirt blending into the darkness until he loses sight of her completely. Bucky lets out a long breath. Is he the stupidest man in the world or the strongest? Maybe both. Turning her down had taken everything in him, and a part of him knew that come morning when she sobered up she would probably avoid his presence, avert her eyes from his gaze, embarrassed of how she had come on to him. To someone like him.

But just then? She had wanted him. Wanted to touch him. Touching him had made her wet. The thought has him groaning. In solitude, he can let one hand drop without guilt to grope as his aching erection. There’s no chance that it will go away on its own, not when his every waking thought is her. There’s only one way to be able to return to the party with some semblance of normality.

Bucky unfastens his belt and then the button of his jeans. He slides the zipper down and his cock bulges free, still covered in his dark boxer-briefs. The head of him has wet the fabric, steady precum leaking from the tip and he presses his thumb against it until the pleasure threatens to slip into pain, his balls throbbing with a load the likes of which will probably set a new personal record for him.

Reaching past the waistband, he draws his cock free. The first touch of the cooling night air has him letting out a noise from low in his throat. Widening his stance as best as he can with his jeans still on, he lets one hand drop down to cup his balls. They’re firm, ready to draw up at a moment’s notice. His fingers wrap around the shaft giving one long, tight stroke. He usually likes lube, but as much as he’s leaking, he can make do without it.

“ Fuck ,” he mutters, eyes rolling in relief.

That’s the moment when Toni comes barreling through the trees again, freezing at the sight of him half-naked with his cock in hand.

[themostrandomfandom]

Hi! I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on Brittana and their MBTI types? I think Brittany could be a ENFP, but I have no idea what Santana's type could be (other than her last letter, which I think is J)

Hey @silver-greystorms!

First off, sorry it has taken me so terribly long to reply to you.I don’t get a lot of internet time these days.

Second, in response to your question, Iknow very little about MBTI types, so forgive me if anything I say here is off.I took this test,answering for Brittany and Santana—the ways I think they are, as opposed to theways in which I think they might (mis)represent themselves, were they takingthe test—and here are the results I came up with:

Brittany is, as you suggested, an ENFP.

Santana is an ESFJ.

I then read up on both of thesepersonality types on this site and this one.

More discussion of how I see Brittany and Santana fitting thesetypes under the cut.

_______

Because I know so little about the MBTI system, I read through thedescriptions for Brittany and Santana’s types on the sites I linked above. Ithen made lists of all of the descriptions that seemed to really fit the girls,as I understand them in canon. 

Here are those lists with some commentary: 

Brittany the ENFP

ENFPs are often popular.

For all of her quirks, Brittany is one of the most popular girlsat WMHS for many years running. While both Quinn and Santana occasionallysuffer sharp downturns in their popularity (e.g., when Quinn is pregnant and whenSantana is outed), Brittany is depicted as being fairly consistently well-liked. Notonly does she become senior class president, but also never once is sheslushied. People may not always understand her, but they do seem to enjoy hercompany. Her energy attracts people. She’s the life of the party.

ENFPs, for all of their socialsuccesses, may, however, also face certain difficulties, such as beingunfocused and becoming easily distracted, overthinking personal issues, beingbetter at “the theory” than “the practice,” not handling stress well, and beingindependent to a fault.  

Brittany’sacademic difficulties may stem from an inability to focus and/or to put intopractice the ideas and theoretical concepts that she learns.

Overthinking is likewise an issue for Brittany, not only throughout S4 (when she gets so worked up over personal problems forwhich she sees no fixes that she experiences two total meltdowns, one in episode4x02 and one in episode 4x22) but also in S6as she is prepping for her wedding.She gets so in her head that she panics until Santana talks her down.

When faced with stress (particularly ofthe interpersonal variety), Brittany tends to resort to making jokes, playingdumb, and downplaying the situation rather than taking ownership for what’shappening. Though she becomes better able to handle stress as the series goeson, particularly as she finds grounding in her relationship with Santana,early on, she is highly avoidant in stressful situations (see, for example, herreaction when the glee club confronts her for spying in episode 1x13).

Being independent to a fault islikewise a big thing with her. As I say elsewhere: “Having difficulty asking for help is a characterflaw she comes by naturally. That a girl who’s been told ‘no’ her whole lifewould be scared to ask anyone to take a chance on her and say ‘yes’ makessense”—though, of course, it certainly doesn’t make her life any easier. Asmentioned above, Brittany will often meltdown when her problems overwhelm her,acting out (and acting outrageously) rather than asking for help. She will alsosometimes simply suffer in silence, keeping her troubles to herself until it’stoo late for anyone to do anything to help her (such as when she fails tograduate in episode 3x22).

ENFPs are bothidea- and people-driven. They see everyone and everything as part of a cogent,cosmic whole.

While Santana is (generally) moreplan-reliant than Brittany, Brittany is actually (typically) abetter planner than Santana because she comes up with innovative, long-gameideas and doesn’t get too caught up in logistics.

See, for example, her Project Unicorn campaign for the seniorclass presidency in episode 3x02. 

Brittany is also a people-person, insofar as she is a skilledreader of people, and she sees how individuals fit into the collective. Thoughshe doesn’t always get along with everyone in the glee club, she does know howall of the various players function to make the collective work.

See, for example, her Heart Locker speech in episode 2x22, inwhich she advocates for Santana to forgive Rachel, not only for the good of thegroup but because she understands how much Santana craves friends, even thoughshe personally does not like Rachel much at all. 

Brittany’s big, beautiful math brain affords her a uniqueperspective on the world. Brittany is a nonnormative thinker who forms connections that maynot be apparent to other people.

See, for example, her “infinity” speech to Santana in episode6x03, which lays out her whole understanding of the universe not only in termsof numbers but in terms of love.

ENFPs learn globally. They don’t mindapproximations (whereas other types may want exactitude).

As I talk about elsewhere: “Brittany’s is a unique mind. It is unclear towhat extent book-learning and traditional education work for her. She has atendency to metaphorize concepts, suggesting that she is an abstract thinker.Her flair for malapropisms also intimates that her mind is organized in ‘webs,’with various like-words grouped together by loose strings of associations.Though she is mathematically intelligent, she is also emotionally intelligentand physically intelligent, as well. Early on, her genius seems highly intuitive,as she is able to pull numbers out of the air, though she is not always equallyable to explain how or by what means she has done so. In time, her methods seemto become more examined and deliberate, with theory underlining what was once amore reflexive capability. She is perhaps something of an autodidact, able, forinstance, to teach herself Spanish, though she apparently doesn’t fare well inthe class in high school.”

While these thinking patterns are all apart of Brittany’s nonnormative genius, they can also get her into trouble inthe public school system, which expects conformity. Her “close is good enough”attitude may contribute in part to her failing her senior year.

ENFPs are outgoing and warm, possessinga “zany charm” which can endear them to more stodgy types in spite of theirunconventionality.

I mean, could there be a more fitting description of Brittana’srelationship dynamic?

Though stodgy Santana manages to build walls to keep out virtuallyevery other human being on the face of the planet, she’s helpless to resistBrittany’s outgoing personality, warmth, and zany charms. Santana’s lowtolerance for social aberration, sentimentality, and even silliness flies outthe window when Brittany’s involved. Brittany gets her to embrace theunconventional and open herself like she never has before.  

ENFPs possess strong values andviewpoints, which those around them may find surprising. They attempt to gentlybut enthusiasticallypersuade others of the rightness of these views,using all of the social skills at their disposals.

First example of this trait in Brittany: Brittany’s earnest,enthusiastic attempts to persuade Kurt to adopt her anti-bullying platformduring his senior class presidency campaign in episode 3x02.

Note that Kurt finds both Brittany’s strategy and her enthusiasmfor the platform itself surprising. At first, he has no idea that there’s a“method to her madness.” He is truly taken aback when he realizes that not onlyis Brittany’s platform about more than just pink paper and glitter glue butalso that Brittany has a personal stake in the fight she wants him to join, asshe’s a member of the LGBTQ community herself.  

Second example of this trait in Brittany: Brittany’s earnest,enthusiastic attempts to reconcile Alma and Santana before the wedding in S6.

Brittany attempts to persuade Alma to reconsider her relationshipwith Santana at first through gentle insinuation and a soupçon of deception.Only after Alma rejects these initial (more passive) overtures does Brittanybreak out her hardline stance, making her fierce speech about generationalturnover in episode 06x06.

ENFPs make affectionate, demonstrative,and spontaneous mates who light up the lives of their partners. However, anENFP’s romantic partner must be willing to manage the practical and financialaspects of the relationship, accounting for the ENFP’s spontaneity, dreaminess,and wanderlust.

I think Santana would agree thatBrittany possesses all of the positive traits listed here.

Not only is Brittany physicallyaffectionate toward Santana (see all of their S1 touches on the back row of thechoir room), but she is also verbally affectionate, constantly praisingSantana’s “awesomeness” and reminding her of her exemplary qualities. Brittanydemonstrates her feelings for Santana in numerous ways, such as by giving hergifts (see episode 3x12) and making speeches to her and about her love for her(see episodes 2x18, 2x22, 5x12, and 6x06).

Brittany is constantly surprisingSantana in the best ways possible, by putting herself out there for the sake oftheir relationship and always knowing the right—if unexpected—thing to say(see, for example, the Heart Locker speech in episode 2x22 or what Brittanysays to Santana at the end of episode 4x13).

Santana herself tells us that Brittanyis the light of her life (see her marriage proposal in episode 6x03).

That said, Santana would probably also agree that at timesBrittany can lose sight of the minutiae of everyday life, such as when Brittany fails to graduate high school—and neglectsto mention her failure until it’s too late to do anything about it (see episode3x22).

Luckily, ESFJs like Santana are great with money and practicaldecisions. Santana’s strengths naturally balance out Brittany’s weaknesses. Thegirls complement each other nicely.

See, for example, in episode 5x13, when Brittany wants to move toLesbos with Santana to escape their social pressures and responsibilities.Santana reins Brittany in, convincing her to simply take a vacation rather thanto permanently abandon her whole life.

ENFPs can go from serious to silly in atrice. When they need to, they can get down to business. However, if given halfthe chance, they’ll gladly break out the hijinks and jokes.

Brittany can be serious when she needs to be, but she is also agrade-A, professional goofball who makes odd quips whenever she can. Shecan quickly switch between gravitas and jocularity—such as, for instance, inepisode 2x15, when she intersperses her very heartfelt entreaty to Santana toseek advice regarding their romantic relationship with pithy one-linersregarding breakfast foods.

ENFPs thrive on human connections,which can make them great friends. However, their willingness to uphold theirend of a relationship no matter what can also lead them to be victimized bypersons who would take advantage of them. They have difficulty being alone, andfor this reason they may opt to keep “bad company” rather than go with nocompany at all.

InS1 and early S2, Brittany submerges her own needs in order to placate Santana. Her desires take a backseat to Santana’s fears.Because she is so desperate to maintain a relationship with Santana (even ifthat relationship is not on her terms), sheis willing to play by Santana’s rules, however convoluted or unbearable theymay be. Only later in her development doesshe learn to advocate for herself, even if doing so isdifficult, such as during the Shirt Locker scene in episode 2x18.

ENFPs are empathetic and social. They believethat feelings (and the recognition and expression of feelings) is important. 

“With feelings, it’s better,” anyone?

Brittany understands long before Santana does that denying howthey feel for each other is detrimental not only to their relationship but tothem as individuals. She spends much of the Back Six of S2 encouraging Santanato first recognize and then embrace her feelings (see, for example, her promnight speech in episode 2x20).

ENFPs are highly devoted to the peopleto whom they commit their hearts.

While Brittany has a reputation for promiscuity—and by her ownadmission has made out with everyone at her school—she is emotionallymonogamous with Santana from start to finish on the show. When she tellsSantana “I’m yours, proudly so” in episode 2x15, that statement isn’tconditional or limited in its scope. Brittany means forever, which is something she proves by her willingness to waitfor Santana time and time again throughout the course of the series. While shewill occasionally date other people, like Artie and Sam, and even love these othe people in a way, it’s clear that herheart has only ever truly and fully belonged to one person. Santana is her first and lastchoice, always. Brittany says so herself in her infinity speech (see episode6x06).

Fun Fact: Some of the MBTI sites Ilooked at mentioned that ENFPs may be attracted to journalism, and that, inspite of their more whimsical qualities, ENFPs can also excel in mathematics.Sounds a bit like our favorite Muckraker contributor, FF2 host, andcertified math genius, no?

Anyway.

In general, ENFPsare known to be free-spirited “campaigners” who form deep emotional connectionswith the people closest to them. They are charming, intuitive, and full ofsurprises. As romantic partners, they are deeply, deeply devoted.Professionally, they are interested in everything—sometimes to the point ofdistraction. Though their practical skills may be lacking, they are good “bigpicture” thinkers able to see the grander view. They are often the life of theparty and can be found at the center of the dancefloor.

Brittany’sBrittanyisms, enthusiastic political activities, and loyalty to Santana are allhallmarks of her ENFPness, as are her nonnormative thinking and attraction toand participation in a wide variety of extracurricular activities (e.g.,cheerleading, glee club, dance, student newspaper, senior class presidency,quiz bowl, motocross racing, astronomy club, superhero club, etc.). Theacademic troubles she experiences during high school may link to a lack offocus and/or an inability to put into practice the theoretical concepts thatshe learns, which are classic ENFP foibles. Her series-long devotion to hertrue love Santana and her high emotional intelligence likewise mark her asENFP.  

Santana the ESFJ

First off, anacknowledgment:

Santana makes for atricky ESFJ because she not only tends to suppress many of her natural ESFJtraits—and particularly the more positive ones—but she also often straight updoes the opposite of what comes naturally to her. 

Baby Girl is a study incontradictions, a born sensitive sweetheart who so deeply fears beingvulnerable (and having her vulnerability used against her) that she forcesherself to become recalcitrant, combative, and mean. Early on in herdevelopment, she pretends not to care about anyone or anything for the veryreason that she actually cares so much,but she doesn’t want to get hurt. Instead of using her ESFJ micromanagement skillsto care for the people she loves, she weaponizes them, plotting out detailedplans in order to derail others’ romantic relationships, wreck team bonds, andgenerally make others miserable. Rather than forming loyal bonds with those shecares about, she often goes out of her way to prove that she doesn’t want or needanyone, even though she is actually desperately lonely inside.

Just on a surfacelevel, she might appear to be something she very much isn’t, seeming like adifferent MBTI type altogether—such as, for instance, an ESTJ. Only in lookingat what lies beneath with her (and how she comes to be in later seasons of theshow, when she starts to lean into her natural tendencies) do we see her trueESFJness at play.

So:

ESFJswear their hearts on their sleeves.

THIS!!!TRAIT!!! IS!!! SO!!! SANTANA!!!

AsI’ve written about elsewhere, Santana is ather core an extremely reactive person, which means that, by nature, she wears her heart on her sleeve. When she’s happy, she’s really, really happy and smilingher huge, gorgeous smile. When she’s sad, she’s really, really sad and weepingin the hallway because Rachel fucking Berry said she would grow up to be astripper and her heart is so deeply hurt.

One site I looked at mentioned that ESFJs can have explosive tempers and unload onothers when they are angry, which is certainly true of Santana, particularlyearly on. (See, for instances, all of the times when she lashes out at Rachel—to thepoint where she must be physically restrained by other members of the gleeclub—in S2, such as in episodes 2x07 and 2x22.)

Thoughearly on Santana pretends to be heartless and “too cool for school,” the truth isthat her emotions run both very strong and very close to the surface—andnowhere is this trait more readily apparent than in her relationship withBrittany.

For asmuch as Santana tries during S1 and early S2 to suppress and tamp down how shefeels around Brittany, she ultimately cannot help but light up when somethingto do with Brittany makes her happy or to appear crushed when something to dowith Brittany makes her sad. As she tells Brittany herself in episode 4x04, atthe very times when she was trying hardest to rein in her emotions, she wasactually counting the number of times that Brittany smiled at her and “dying”on days when she didn’t. For as unaffected as Santana attempts to be, the truthis that everything Brittany does—and really everything that happens in her lifein general—deeply affects her.

AfterSantana finally acknowledges this truth about herself (see her Hurt Lockerspeech in episode 2x15), she starts to give into her feelings more and more—notonly regarding Brittany but regarding everything in her life, including herlove for performance, her friendships with various glee club members, her hopesand dreams, etc. By the conclusion of the show in S6, she’s behaving in a waythat is much more natural to her, openly showing her emotions, crying at thedrop of a hat, smiling so widely her dimples show, being demonstrative in herlove for both friends and family, etc., etc.  

ESFJsvalue security and stability. They tend to preserve the status quo.

There’sa reason why Santana chooses to sing “Landslide” in her first real act ofself-expression on the show: “I’ve been afraid of changing” could be the mottoof her life.

BabyGirl fears the unknown. She’s constantly building things up in her head,worrying about what might happen, fretting about contingencies and unexpectedturns of events. Even in situations where the status quo isn’t ideal, Santanawould rather stick to her routines than to assume the risks inherent indeviating from them in order to forge new paths. She spends early S2 miserable,languishing as Brittany dates Artie and her and Brittany’s sexual/romanticrelationship is relegated to “side dish” status. However, she remains reluctantto seek a change, even after she reaches her lowest emotional point, becauseshe fears what could happen if she rocks the proverbial boat (“I’m angry because I have all of these feelings—feelings for you—that I’m afraid of dealing with, because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences. And, Brittany, I can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can’t”). It takes Brittany pleading with her to consider a change to finally prompt her to take those first steps toward doing things a new way.

Theinteresting thing about Santana is that she spends most of her tenure on theshow outside of her comfort zone, lacking stability and being forced to changeand adapt in spite of herself. Sometimes she reacts poorly to the discomfortshe feels as she’s pushed from her norms—such as in S4 and early S5, when shecontinually flails as she lacks a clear career path, suffers through shakysocial relationships, is without the grounding influence of her and Brittany’sromantic relationship in her life, etc.—but she ultimately ends up poweringthrough, enduring these sea changes and coming out generally better for them onthe other side.

Ofcourse, just because Santana eventually learns to deal with uncertainty becauseshe has to doesn’t mean that she disvalues security and stability when she has them.Look no further than S6 to see just how much Santana thrives when she feels anchored. Having Brittany by her side andfeeling secure in their relationship does wonders for her confidence. Becauseshe knows she has an advocate in her corner, she can deal with other, moreminor stresses in her life with ease.    

ESFJsare excellent micromanagers who enjoy seeing to the care of those around them.As caretakers, they tend to be wary of dangers to their loved ones. Theirdistrust of the world causes them to be hypervigilant of potential hazards.

Onesalient example of this behavior: In episode 3x11, Santana sits Kurt down tostrategize about what to do about Warbler bully Sebastian Smythe, who hasrecently scratched Blaine’s cornea with rock salt. Santana then tapes a voicerecorder to her underboob, infiltrates Dalton, challenges Smythe to a rapbattle Michael Jackson sing-off, catches him admitting to maiming Blaine ontape, and uses this evidence to blackmail Smythe. Her actions go way beyondwhat Kurt is comfortable with and probably also way beyond what is reasonable—asting operation? underboob?—but, boy howdy, do they show what Santana’saffections look like in action. 

If you’re one of the select people she caresabout, she will insert herself into your life, push convoluted schemes, dressin a fedora, take a slushie to the face, and risk life and limb to make sureyour needs are met. For as much time and energy as she expends plotting todestroy her enemies in S1-S2, she will expend just as much or more time andenergy plotting to support her friends in S3-S6.

Particularlyearly on in her development, Santana often mentions her distrust of people (andthe world in general). She maintains a pessimistic attitude regarding people’sintentions and has a hard time believing that good things will come to her. Wesee her sometimes try to protect Brittany, who possesses a more optimisticworldview, from the nastiness she perceives around them (see, for example,episode 3x04). Only over time, and with encouragement from Brittany, does Santana learn to drop her guard a bit and give others a chance to prove themselves.    

ESFJsmake excellent team members. Situations where everyone benefits bring them joy.

Atfirst glance, the above statement may seem like it doesn’t hold true forSantana. After all, her relationship with the New Directions remains strainedat best all the way up until episode 6x06. And Santana happy when everyonebenefits? Sounds fake.

Here’sthe thing, though: While Santana does certainly make more than a couplemissteps as a member of the glee club team (e.g., spying on them for Sue,helping to leak their set lists, waging biological warfare against many of herteam members, breaking up various couples within the glee club, going on wildlyoffensive and demoralizing rants regarding her teammates, defecting from theNew Directions to start the Troubletones, etc., etc.), she tends to resort tothis negative behavior either because she is under duress from Sue or becauseshe’s acting on hurt feelings, lashing out because she perceives that the grouphas rejected her.

That’snot to justify her shitty behavior—just to say that she’s acting in response tostimuli. She’s not just pulling these stunts out of nowhere.

Thetruth is that when left to her own devices, without Sue commanding her tosabotage anyone and when she feels safe and secure to be herself without fearof rejection, Santana is actually a pretty standup teammate who takes great joyin the group’s achievements.

Gleeclub is the best part of her day, okay?

That’swhy when Sue poses her with an ultimatum, she chooses glee club over Cheerios(see episode 2x11). That’s why she goes out of her way to bring Kurt back toWMHS from Dalton (see episode 2x18). That’s why she neutralizes Karofsky’sthreat on Kurt’s behalf (see episode 2x20). That’s why she tries to get Quinnto rejoin glee club after she drops out at the start of S3 (see episode 3x01).That’s why she eventually rejoins the New Directions in time to prepare forNationals (see episode 3x08). That’s why she goes after Sebastian Warbler toavenge Blaine (see episode 3x11). That’s why time and time again, she gives herall to supporting her teammates, singing and dancing her heart out, and doingwhatever it takes to make sure that the New Directions come out on top. That’s whyshe returns so often even after she graduates to participate in interventionsand alumni events. That’s why she seldom looks happier than she does when she’ssurrounded by her glee club family, basking in a shared triumph, feeling like apart of the collective.

So,yeah, Santana can be a shitty teammate sometimes. But when given even half achance, she can also be an excellent teammate—the kind of person that everyonebe lucky to have in their corner (as Mercedes points out in episode 5x18).

ESFJscare about other people’s feelings and try not to offend or cause damage toanyone.

Atfirst glance, the above statements may also seem like they do not hold true forSantana. After all, this is a girl who seemingly delights in verballydestroying people and spouting off ultra-offensive rants, whose own soulmateopenly acknowledges her penchant for “vicious, vicious words.” Santana hasnever been shy about saying whatever pops into her head, no matter how uncouthor outright hurtful the thought may be, right? So what kind of ESFJ does thatmake her?

Well,here’s where the acknowledgment I made at the top of her section comes in: Thistrait is one that Santana actively works against in herself, particularly earlyon.

Mytheory has always been that Santana is a born sweetheart—that the kindhearted,bashful, soft soul she is around Brittany reflects who she really is inside andperhaps who she could have been at all times had her life experiences not promptedher to develop her “bitch persona.” Snixx is a façade, an act, and a means ofusing offense as defense to keep Santana (and Brittany) from being eaten alivein their unforgiving social environment. The insults Santana fires off, thebullying she engages in, and her whole aggressive “Lima Heights Adjacent” energy areall defense mechanisms, and practiced ones at that. They come about fromSantana, who is herself incredibly sensitive and easily wounded, knowing how tohit people where it really hurts so as to avoid herself being hit.

Makeno mistake: The consequences of Santana’s meanness are real, and I am not atall trying to absolve her of her cruelties.

However,what I am saying is that deep down, Santana doesn’t actually enjoy being mean.In fact, I’d care to wager that if she felt safe enough to drop her defenses,she’d prefer not to offend or cause relational damage. She’d like to be softer,if possible. Santana herself essentially admits that such is the case inepisode 3x08, when she tells her grandmother that pretending to be someoneshe’s not and constantly having “to fight all the time” exhausts her.

It’snotable that in later seasons, when Santana feels more comfortable beingherself and is more enmeshed with the group, she becomes noticeably kinder, andher rants become both less frequent and (for the most part) more toothless.

Of course,that’s not to say that she never flies off the handle in later seasons, asshe’ll still go for the jugular when provoked (such as when she verballyeviscerates Kurt after he disparages her and Brittany’s engagement in episode6x03), and she always maintains her hallmark snark even in situations whereshe’s relaxed. Old habits die hard, after all.

ESFJswhose attentions have been rejected tend to falter. They don’t fare well insituations where their caring attitudes and heartfelt reactions prove to be aliability.

Thetrait very much relates to two previous traits discussed.

Santanawants so much to give and receive love. She craves approval and acceptance. However,particularly early on, she seldom gets those things.

To befair, in the early seasons of the show, she certainly doesn’t do much to makeherself likeable to her glee club teammates, and she downplays and evenstraight up denies that she desires to be part of the group, to the point wherethey have every reason to consider her an outsider and even potential threat.

She sofears being rejected for reasons beyond her control that she opts to make herself unlikable for reasons she can control, so that when she is inevitably rejected, it will be on her terms (which, she subconsciously rationalizes, is somehow a more livable alternative).

Still.Even after she drops her façade and starts to openly show howmuch she cares about her teammates, they remain wary of her, not accepting thatshe is a changed person. Time and timeagain, the New Directions (both as a group and in individual instances) rejecther genuine and heartfelt gestures of love and friendship, misunderstanding theintentions behind them by expecting that her niceness comes with stringsattached or else is bait for some kind of trap. Whenever these occurrences takeplace, Santana is crushed.

Nowhereis this trait more apparent than during the Pezberry feud of S5. When Santanamoves into the Loft, she tries so hard to prove to Rachel that she has changedsince high school and goes out of her way to earn Rachel’s trust andfriendship. She offers Rachel a crying shoulder during her pregnancy scare; she takes action to extricate Rachel from her toxic relationship with Brody, resortingto the “micromanaging and getting overly involved in her friends’ lives”behavior described above; she bonds with Rachel over their personal andprofessional troubles as young twentysomethings trying to make it big in NewYork; she supports Rachel’s Broadway aspirations; she is there for Rachel after Finn’sdeath; she gets Rachel a job at the diner; she confides in Rachel about her fears anddreams; etc., etc., etc.

But Rachel never seems to fully accept Santana’s efforts atfriendship as genuine, as is proven in episode 5x09, when Rachel accuses Santanaof trying to steal her role in Funny Girlout from under her, failing to recognize that Santana is trying to emulate herrather than usurp her success.

Trueto ESFJ form, Santana is so deeply hurt by Rachel’s rejection of her friendshipthat she falls into a tailspin. Within a few weeks’ time, Santana’s retaliatorybehavior has resulted in Kurt and Dani kicking her out of their band, Dantana’s relationship deteriorating to the point of beingunsalvageable, and Santana sabotagingany and all chances that exist for reconciliation between herself and Rachel,the last of which occurs in episode 5x18, when, once again, Santana comes to Rachel’s aid, only to haveRachel second-guess her reasons for doing so (“Is that the kind of friend thatyou think that I am?”).

ThoughPezberry eventually (by S6) get back to a place where they can be civil to eachother, Santana never dares to attempt close/intimate friendship with Rachelagain. Her feelings have been too deeply hurt, and she durst not put herself ina position to get burned again.      

ESFJshave a tendency to become preoccupied with social status and influence, a traitwhich heavily influences their decision-making. They can become rigid and avoidcreativity and individual expression for fear of “rocking the boat.” ESFJs mayalso fixate on what is socially acceptable (and what is not). They are cautiousconcerning the rules and critical of anything or anyone that breaks from thenorm. ESFJs are often unwilling to experiment or step out of their individualcomfort zones. They fear of appearing—let alone being—different.

Thesetraits are more straightforwardly recognizable as “Santana,” particularly in S1and S2.

BabyGirl is obsessed with social statusand climbing the proverbial ladder of popularity. She calculates how every moveshe makes at WMHS will affect her image and refuses to take any action that shedeems too risky. She is all about accruing social capital, even at the expenseof others. Everything about her, from how she dresses to what she says to howshe interacts with her peers, is meant to keep her riding high as an HBIC.  

Shealso isn’t above pointing out how uncool others are to make herself look coolerby comparison.

ThroughoutS1 and early S2, she is constantly dragging others down in order to pullherself up. She is especially hard on anyone who deviates from social norms, whichis why she bullies Kurt for being gay and mocks Finn for dating tragically unhip Rachel.  

Soreluctant is she to jeopardize her status that she actively suppresses many ofher natural inclinations and hides her true interests—hence why though she’lladmit to her teammates that glee club is the best part of her day with onebreath, she’ll threaten with another to deny that she’s made such an admissionshould that information leak to anyone outside of the New Directions.

Ofcourse, Santana’s fear of making herself stand out or appear “different”greatly influences her early interactions with Brittany, as she remains trappedso far inside the iron closet in her mind that she can scarcely even admit toherself—let alone to anyone else, including Brittany—what her true feelingsreally are.

Eventually,thanks in large part to Brittany’s influence, Santana does largely overcome herfear of going against the grain, learning that it’s more important to be likedfor who she truly is than to be feared for who she pretends to be. Though shenever fully loses her edge, as the seasons wear on, she becomes increasinglytolerant of persons who deviate from social norms and increasingly comfortable withdeviating from social norms herself.

ESFJsmay find it challenging to change their tendencies toward rigidity andconformity because they are sensitive to what they perceive as attacks on theirconcepts of self. If someone close to them criticizes any aspect of theirself-identity (from their character to their beliefs to their habits), ESFJsoften become defensive. Their feelings are easily hurt.

Asstated above, Santana does eventually overcome some of her rigid and conformistbehaviors—but doing so is no easy task.

Santana’smost deep-seated fear is that she is unlovable, and any time someone criticizesor attacks an aspect of her intrinsic self-identity, she feels that her fearhas been justified. While she can “live with” people hating her for beingbitchy or looking down on her for being shallow (though even those slightshurt, in their own ways), she would rather die a thousand deaths than havesomeone reject her because of her true personality or due to her sexualorientation—and especially if that someone is a person who matters to her.

WhenSebastian Smythe snipes at her for being brassy (see episode 3x11), she candeal. But when Rachel Berry, who should be her friend, misjudges her character(see episode 5x09), she’s heartbroken.

Santanathen reacts to this heartbreak by going on the defensive, which is what we seefrom her in episode 5x12, when she calls Rachel out in front of the whole gleeclub, telling her she is a terrible person. That’s very much Santana’s woundedsense of self talking—which is not to justify her behavior but simply to say,once again, that, contrary to what Rachel and other characters on the showerroneously believe, Santana’s meanness doesn’t just come out of nowhere.

ESFJs thriveon appreciation and praise. Without it, they feel insecure and will fish forreassurances.

Ofcourse, the flipside to Santana being criticism-avoidant is that she is eagerfor praise.

Overthe seasons, she says numerous times that she lives for applause—but the truthis that her need for validation runs even deeper than what she lets on. It’snot just empty clapping from strangers that she’s after. She needs words ofaffirmation from people who matter to her, including genuine and heartfeltstatements that build her up and reassure her.

For asmuch bravada as she puts on, Santana is one insecure kid. As stated above, shesecretly fears that she is unlovable. Unfortunately, a lot of what shehears—from her peers, from her teachers, from the world—reinforces that beliefin her. She’s constantly being told that she, individually, is a bad person.She’s also constantly being told that she, as a member of the LGBTQ community,is generally bad and/or immoral. It’s little wonder that her self-esteem isn’tgreat, especially to start out with. Though she seldom lets on that such is thecase, she’s dying for someone to tell her that despite what everyone thinksshe’s actually a decent human being, worthy of love and capable of achievingthe dreams that matter to her.

Honestly,throughout the show, there are only two characters who really fulfill Santana’sneeds, in this regard.

Thefirst is, of course, Brittany, who is basically an endless fountain ofSantana-validation. She constantly reminds Santana to “embrace all theawesomeness that [she is]” and on many occasions enumerates Santana’s goodtraits to her. While others tell Santana how horrible she is at every possibleopportunity, Brittany is adamant that Santana is the best person she knows, whois capable of achieving anything she sets her mind to. That’s what Brittanytells Santana in a dark room at their junior prom (see episode 2x20). That’swhat she tells her as she sends her off to New York to chase her dreams (seeepisode 4x13). That’s what she tells her again when they reunite before jettingoff to Lesbos (see episode 5x13). It’s something that she says the night beforethey get engaged (see episode 6x03), and it’s undoubtedly something that she’llkeep saying again and again for the rest of their married lives.

Theonly other person on the show who offers Santana similar encouragements (thatshe doesn’t then later rescind or cover with disparagements) is Mercedes, whoparticularly in S5 goes hard on reminding Santana that she is not only atalented performer with a lot of potential but a great friend with manypositive qualities.  

ESFJslike to shower people with the attention and reassurance that they themselvescrave. However, they may go overboard in involving themselves in the lives oftheir friends and loved ones, taking actions that are ultimately unwelcome. Intending to the needs of others, ESFJs may forget to tend to their own needs.

Santanaisn’t just a cheerleader for the football team. She’s actually a huge supporterof her friends.

Admittedly,much of her “cheerleading” comes mixed in with a hefty helping of snark. Still,there’s no denying that the praise is in fact there. She sings to cheer Quinnup after her accident (see episode 3x17). She spends much of S4 and S5reassuring Kurt and especially Rachel of how talented and poised for successthey are. When Mercedes gets her record contract, she’s all over telling herhow deserving she is and how she’s destined to go far (see episode 5x18). And,oh yeah, remind me of her catchphrase when it comes to any and all thingsBrittany? That’s right: “You’re a genius.”

Hersupport for her friends and loved ones goes beyond mere words, though. She’salso—as discussed above—quick to offer direct action in order to keep herpeople safe and cared for. Sometimes what she does is welcome, such as when shesings “Valerie” to Brittany is episode 5x12 in order to remind her of hercreativity and love for dance. Other times, she takes things a step or fiftytoo far, such as when, after making several unsuccessful attempts to get Rachelto break up with the untrustworthy Brody, she goes behind Rachel’s back tosummon Finn to New York City for the purpose of kicking Brody’s ass (see episode 4x16). Santana,of course, views this action as “tough love” for Rachel—a necessary override,as it were. Rachel, naturally, sees things differently, at least initially, failing to appreciatethe intentions behind Santana’s meddling.

Learningto respect boundaries is another long process in Santana’s development. Part ofit involves becoming more mindful of what other people are comfortable with.Another part of it involves becoming more mindful of her own needs and notsacrificing her own well-being for the sake of others.

ThroughoutS4 and S5, Santana nearly kills herself trying to win Hummelberry’s approval.While both Kurt and Rachel are more than happy to have Santana rush to theirrescue when they’re in fixes, they’re also quick to kick her to the curb thesecond she steps out of line or does something to upset them (such as, for instance, in episode 4x16 after she confronts Brody at NYADA). In times ofconflict, they evict her from the Loft, form ranks against her, and eventriangulate with her girlfriend to disenfranchise her from the group. ThoughSantana certainly is no angel, she also certainly isn’t the coldhearted villainthey—and particularly Rachel—make her out to be, either. Hummelberry constantlydangling their friendship and love over her head does a number on her heart.They’re like Lucy, their acceptance is the football, and Santana is CharlieBrown, winding up to take the kick again and again and again, despiteexperiencing the same result every single time. By the time the Pezberry feudfinally comes to a head between episodes 5x09 and 5x12, Santana is an emotionalmess who doesn’t know which end is up anymore.

Ittakes resident Santana Lopez-ologist Brittany to undo the damage thatHummelberry have done to Santana’s self-esteem and to encourage Santana to justwalk away from the whole enmeshed situation because it’s detrimental to her(see episode 5x13). Santana very much takes her words to heart, deciding thenand there that while she can be civil to Hummelberry, particularly from afar,she’ll no longer keep giving them her heart to stomp on. She’ll maintain heremotional distance, keeping their “friendship” at a surface level withouttrying to achieve any sort of real social intimacy. She’ll also tend to her ownemotional needs before she tries to tend to the emotional needs of others sothat she doesn’t get burnt out again.

ESFJsmake for loyal, trustworthy romantic partners who view romantic relationshipsas sacred. They require partners whoare likewise both devoted and supportive, who provide them with senses ofsecurity and stability. No other kind of relationship is as important to anESFJ as a loving, committed, romantic bond.

Backwhen Santana is still in the habit of dating boys, infidelity is her hallmark,as she frequently cheats on her male partners and will swap one boy out foranother on a whim so long as doing so suits her social purposes. She and Puck arenowhere near monogamous. Finn is a pit stop for her, at best. She cheats on Samwith Brittany and then starts dating Karofsky before she and Sam even properlybreak up. Ask any of her ex-boyfriends if they would consider her either “trustworthy”or “loyal,” and they’d probably laugh right in your face.

Butnot so with Brittany. Though Santana does break up with Brittany in S4, have aone-night stand with Quinn shortly thereafter, and eventually date DaniWaitress for a time during S5, Santana remains emotionally monogamous with Brittanythroughout the duration of the show, and at times when she and Brittany aredating she is entirely faithful to her. Though in early seasons of the show,Santana and Brittany cheat on other partners with each other, once they becomea committed couple they never cheat on each other with anyone else—a rare featfor a Glee couple.

In fact, the second that Santana realizes that she is even mildly attracted to another girl while dating Brittany, she immediately breaks up with Brittany, for fear that her attraction could potentially lead to unfaithfulness (see episode 4x04).

Still,Santana’s loyalty and trustworthiness as a romantic partner for Brittany runseven deeper than just emotional monogamy and fidelity. She’s also loyal andtrustworthy in the sense that Brittany can rely on her as a stalwart support—assomeone who’ll be there for her no matter what.

ThatSantana views her and Brittany’s relationship as sacred is clear from both herwords and her deeds. She frequently describes Brittany’s goodness and theedifying effect that Brittany’s love has on her life (see, for example, herspeech about Brittany to Rory in episode 3x04 or her proposal in episode 6x03).She also treats Brittany with tenderness and appreciation, being kind to, patient with, and compassionate towards her in a way she is to no one else. 

Asdiscussed above, Brittany is the biggest source of support and stability inSantana’s life. Santana falters at times when they’re apart and thrives attimes when they’re together. Just watch the choir room scene in episode 5x13 orthe bedroom scene in episode 6x03, and you can see how much Santana physicallyrelaxes in Brittany’s presence. It’s clear that Santana never feels safer thanshe does in Brittany’s arms. It’s also clear that as long as Santana hasBrittany by her side, she’ll be okay, no matter what obstacles and challengescome her way.

ESFJsmate for life, with a strong desire for marriage and family.

Earlyon, before she is at a place in her life where she can believe that her dreamswill come true, Santana talks a big game about not needing anyone and muses thatshe’ll marry an NFL player someday, not for love but for “reliability.” Butonce Santana realizes that Brittany reciprocates her love and that theyactually stand a chance to be together for the long run, she gives in to hertrue romantic nature and starts seeing things in terms of always and forever.

Itmeans so much to Santana when she and Brittany can finally be married—you canjust see it written all over her face, in that big, effulgent smile she wearson their wedding day (see episode 6x08). Her eyes actually sparkle. Brittany is her dream girl,her North Star, her family, and she is so happy to take Brittany as her wife.It’s something she’s wanted since long before she ever allowed herself to fullyprocess the desire. It’s her perfect happy ending, an absolute dream come true.

FunFact: Some of the MBTI type sites I visited mentioned that ESFJs make greatcheerleaders and can be talented stage performers. Sounds like a certain formerCheerios captain and frequent high school musical show-stealer we know of, no?

ESFJsare known as the “consul” type, meaning that they are comfortable in leadershippositions, possess excellent planning skills, and highly value loyalty. Theyoften take on the concerns of others as if they were their own. They don’t shyaway from sharing their evaluations—especially regarding the behavior ofothers—with the world. However, while they can dish criticisms out, theysometimes can’t take them, particularly if those criticisms challenge theirsenses of self. ESFJs are not only deeply emotional but also highly expressiveof their emotions. Everyone knows what they feel and how. Socialization plays a big role in their lives, and they canfrequently be found filling “host” positions at gatherings, organizing thepeople around them.  

WhileSantana does (particularly initially) suppress and act against some of hernatural ESFJ tendencies, the truth is that she fits the type pretty well. She’sa born planner and schemer who is heavy into social politics and big on lookingafter the people she cares about, and she thrives on validation, especiallyfrom those she is closest to. She never hesitates to give her opinion on thepeople around her, whether she’s snarking about their wardrobe choices or,later on, extolling their positive qualities to boost their self-esteems.Though her feelings are easily hurt and she can sometimes be a conformist, sheis also capable of being an awesome friend, both supportive and protective ofthe people who matter to her. Her leadership skills are apparent when shecaptains the Cheerios. Her care for others is likewise apparent in the ways shetries to help her friends, especially in S4 and S5, as well as in her andBrittany’s relationship.  

Ididn’t spend a lot of time looking into it, but a cursory glance around the ol’interwebs would suggest that ENFPs and ESFJs tend to complement each other wellin romantic relationships, possessing a good balance of commonalities anddifferences.

Anyhow,I’ve gone on long enough now.

Thanksfor the question!  

[swiftwidget]

Ok not a fan of the endeavour redemption arc BUT i know im bias because endeavour reminds me of my own father and my first instinct is to flinch away...but Im working through it (its actually helping me cope with my own emotions) and even i can see that the hate towards bnha for it is fuxking stupid and people need to chill out. Like dayum, people change and while it can be painful for all involved its better than leaving him an abuser

I’m sorry you’ve been in a tough situation. I hope things improve or have improved for you. I’m glad this arc is helping you work through things. 

When it comes to Endeavor personally, if he was a real person I’d dislike him immensely and be skeptically hopeful if he were attempting to improve. I mean, I’ve dealt with people that try to change and fall back on things or try to change and slowly do. (Not as extreme, but I myself have bad personal habits that I struggle to change and improve upon and get frustrated with myself when I fall back on bad habits.) 

However, as a fictional character, Endeavor has become so much more interesting since Kamino. And precisely because he’s a fictional character, I really enjoy seeing this development and how the narrative and other fictional characters react to this. 

(Reminder, he is fictional. You can like/enjoy fictional characters without condoning their actions. I mean, how many people absolutely love the villain characters? Villain characters that have killed, stolen, maimed, etc. Like I said, you can enjoy characters without remotely condoning or normalizing their actions.) 

Endeavor is a man that hated the idea of Plus Ultra (that says a lot about him), who didn’t push his quirk to the max and beyond until it was the only choice to survive a crisis situation in his first major fight as defacto Number 1 Hero. Endeavor is driven by Envy of All Might and Fear of Pushing Himself Too Far Leaving Him in a Weakened State. And this moment here:

Is the moment he’s actually taking responsibility for his own ambition and his current status. Pushing beyond his internal fear of inferiority and actually doing his damnedest because he is the only option.  

Before being thrust into the number one spot, he’d essentially given up on his own ability to cross the gap between himself and All Might. He was the Number 2 Hero because he pushed until this point: 

Here he looks younger (we see this was likely years ago, when Hawkes was a child) and this may have been the point he changed tactics and switched to trying to “create” a child that could carry his DNA/legacy and surpass All Might. And yes, that was incredibly unhealthy, abusive, and just plain gross. Also, apparently a social issue that wasn’t unheard of - quirk marriages were already a problem within quirk society so Endeavor’s actions don’t exist in a vacuum. He was and is an incredibly flawed but realistic fictional character. 

And that is what makes him interesting now. At Kamino, he had that moment of flashback and horrible realization. He was forced to face the facts that All Might is a human, a man, someone that would grow old and eventually retire. Endeavor only ever saw the Symbol of Peace, Strongest Hero, and ideal to surpass. Not a man that could be injured and fall. (That was the fatal flaw of the Symbol of Peace - it couldn’t last forever, even if Toshinori was never injured.)In that one moment, he is faced with the hard truth. Everything he did, everyone that suffered because of his impossible ambition, it was all for nothing. For a goal that Endeavor (subconsciously?) allowed to be controlled by outside forces. He could never obtain his own goal, so he chased the shadow of it and pushed others further than he would ever push himself.  

That jarred him. To be the defacto Number 1. To have in his hands what he wanted, and it isn’t satisfying. It isn’t the same. And let’s remind ourselves, that this man is a pro-hero. In him there is some part that works for the good of society - even if he was a shit person to his family and individuals around him. 

And right now, he is all society has. The flawed second choice. A mock mirror of All Might. 

By beating the High End Noumu and mimicking All Might’s stance, he solidifies his place as Number 1. In this moment, for this moment, putting society at ease. He’s their only option. He isn’t a great one. But he’s trying. That’s better than not changing, not trying. 

 And here: 

It seems some folks are taking this as forgiveness from Shouto. It isn’t. It’s simply, finally the acknowledgement that Endeavor is making an attempt for change. This is Shouto saying “I’m watching. You want to change? Prove it.” in a emotionally charged moment. 

And of course it is an emotionally charged moment for the Todoroki family. Just like Endeavor is not the ideal Number 1 Hero society needs, but is the only one society has. Endeavor is the only biological father they have. Despite everything, I do not think they would want him just dead. They want him to change. At least then his active damage would stop and allow the family to heal from the older wounds. Neither of those things is forgiveness. 

TLDR: Endeavor is a complex, flawed, and realistic fictional character and Horikoshi is doing a good job carefully handling Endeavor’s attempts at being a decent person. So, people hating on the arc and Horikoshi need to chill, wait until the arc is done, or just stop reading if they cannot deal with the arc’s handling of a difficult subject. Don’t be a gross entitled fan that attacks content creators for writing flawed characters. Be a good fan or walk away. 

Anyway, Anon. Thank you for your question. I’m glad you sent it and yeah, I agree. Folks need to chill and recognize good, complex writing when they see it. 

[concerningwolves]

Art’s Rules for Character Building

Obviously when writing, there is a need for characters, and a subsequent need to know your characters. My writing has been incredibly character-driven in the past, and they’ve always been the source of most of my positive feedback. It’s time to branch out and work on other areas of my writing, but I figured that I would share with you the best selection of the nifty tips and tricks I’ve learned along the way. Here ar four:

Seasoning with details: it’s just like socializing with your co-workers!

 Detail, detail, detail. I knew the things you needed to know, like how they would react in certain situations, their favourite foods, their morals and beliefs. But I also knew how they liked their tea, or their coffee; I knew how they sat, how they rested, slept, reclined; cat or dog person, or maybe a reptile; could they cook, did they love rubbish food, or all of the above? Half of the trivia I knew about them was irrelevant to the plot- probably more than half- but it gave me a clear sense of who I was going to be working with for three books.

 After all, why do you need to know your co-workers? You’ve got to work with them. Your characters are your co-workers: the people who will be helping you (and sometimes hindering you) in getting stuff done. Without them, conflict is hard to build and conflict goes towards plot; nature needs someone to go against, those corrupt agents need some poor sod to catch, person A needs a good reason why person B is the love of their life.

 If you know them well, the work will be smoother. Yeah, maybe you won’t need all of the information, but you never know. That isn’t to say spend all your time finding out what Hogwarts house they are in or figuring out their Starbucks order, but do understand them in the same way you would understand a friend, or even a close peer. You can use these facts and odd knowledges as the salt and pepper of your project- sparingly for flavour, that is. Too much of either can be overwhelming. Not enough (as I often find) is still tasty, but something is definitely missing.

If the devil is in the details, why is the devil there?

Little details are the key to characters. I’ve said that, but, the details need to have purpose.

Let’s take the classic trope of the bady guy cleaning his nails with a knife. Cool, huh? Eh. It gets boring. You have to wonder why he does that, surely it’s dangerous, it achieves nothing but showing how cool and intimidating he is. The character who will use anything to clean his nails because he is annoyed by all the dirt, and so takes a hairclip from a friend, on the other hand- that is interesting. That’s a little quirk. We can assume then that this character has vain traits, or that he likes to take pride in his appearance, or worries about how others will judge him. Take that detail, ask yourself why it is there, and incorporate it into the narrative flow so that your readers get the information about the character that they need, and keep being interested. Example:

Aaron flexed his fingers and pushed onto the balls of his feet, a tremor in his fingers building and building and, God, he had to stop clutching the napkin. His knuckles were white. That woman. Was she looking at him? He checked his hands, splayed them on the tabletop, made them flat. Neat, almost. His nails were filthy.

“Can I borrow that?” He pointed at the bobby pin in Samantha’s hair. She raised an eyebrow, but passed it to him anyway, holding the loose curl of hair just out of her face. They both smiled at the waiter as he passed, plastic smiles, Sam’s hand cupping her face in an over-casual way.

“Don’t bend it.” She said as he cleaned under his nails. “Not for nothing, anyway. They don’t care.”

“I care.” He had to fight to keep his voice small inside his throat. 

We don’t know why he’s there, but we can guess it’s to meet someone. This is important to him, suddenly. It conveys anxiety. Is he anxious, does he need to be? Or is this vanity? Questions, questions... you need to get your readers asking them.

So, details pinned-

know where they came from, and where they’re going

This is a funny one, because generally a character doesn’t have their entire life crammed into a story. You get a nice chunk of events within their life, and the events are, assuming that character survives the plot, resolved within that chunk. They could wind up an architecht in London, drinking a dram of whisky every night before bed, twenty years after the curse is broken and the evil bloke dead- but your readers don’t know that. They might wonder about it, but they don’t need to have the answer.

That’s the readers though. You do. You absolutely, absolutely do. What are your character’s dreams? Do they achieve their dreams? Do their dreams change- when, why, how, who for? Do they regret it? You need to know how they grow in order to understand who they are when you put them through your book. Children? Career? Or are they unemployed, do they fall through the cracks? Does the storyline you put them through leave them traumatized (and I mean that in the literal sense, not a hyperbole. Never hyperbole.) and they are too proud, or too far gone, to find help? Or maybe they don’t have anyone to help. Why? Do they push people away?- oh, that’s good. They do? Great! You can use that!

You also need to know if they are resolute, or changeable. Does something happen to them in their story that changes their minds? Or, in the simplest form of this rule: knowing that your character is going to end up alright is a way of putting them through hell.

As for where they come from, that’s backstory. We all like a nice bit of backstory. Just, for the love of Lady Word, don’t give everyone a miserable childhood, two dead parents and a curse. As problematic as she can be, JK Rowling did this very well in the Harry Potter books. Ron has a great, ramshackle, sprawling family; Hermione has her muggle parents; Harry’s are dead; Luna has her dad; so on and on. It’s backstory, not sobstory.

Backstory doesn’t always define where a character is going- trauma is not a road map to be followed; a picket-fence family doesn’t secure a nice life- but sometimes it does, and you need to know the events that shaped their lives, personalities and dreams. Nature/nurture is something that springs to mind. Knowing the beginning and the end is how you give the character depth and dimension within their little stretch of stage time.

So, finally

variety is the spice of life, and there is such a thing as too spicy (at least in writing)

This last is a culmination of all of the above. Not everyone has to be wild, funny, quirky, neon, bursts of life on a dull day. Some characters can be mundane; actually, you need them to be. Partly to bring out the brighter characters through contrast, but also to stop your readers becoming de-sensitized to the overwhelming nature of too many vibrant people. In a population, everyone is different. People are quiet, people are loud, people like Queen and others like the latest pop. Some people don’t want to be the change they would like to see in the world. Some people just like pizza, netflix, and really hate change. I think TV soap operas do this very well, by presenting us with a cast of real characters that are true to real life, but still relatable, still easy to emotionally invest in. Not that your book should be a bad soap opera, but, siphon off the lessons you need from them and run with what it gives you. Have some characters to soothe the pallet, to make the story easy to swallow and, most of all, have their personalities work together. They don’t have to be friends- but if they hate eachother, why? What kind of personality or ethics or morals clash has caused it? You choose, but please, don’t make all of your characters the carbon copy of one another, based off of something just a touch mary-sue. This is why details are so important, because that is what sets them all apart. Happy writing!

[toonstarterz]

Toonyoungster Watches: Pokémon The Movie: I Choose You ! (DUB)

SPOILER WARNING!! 

ALSO, CONSTRUCTIVE (NON-BASHING) CRITICISM OF THE DUB AHEAD...

Very few movies can resonate with me on a deeply, personal level. 

The latest Pokémon movie has that distinct honor. 

As a long-time Pokémon fan, seeing this movie in theaters was an absolute must. And apparently, I wasn’t the only one. The theater I went to see this was seriously packed. Kids, teens, and adults were all over the place, and I felt so honored that I could share this once-in-a-lifetime experience with people who love Pokémon as much as I do.

But what about the movie itself? To be honest, I don’t think I can review this movie wholly unbiased. A part of me loves this movie for reasons the average viewer rightfully won’t appreciate. That said, I’m going into this review not as a newcomer, but through the eyes of a lifelong Pokéani fan. And yes, I will be critiquing the dub here, for better or worse. 

Let’s start with the narrative. You all know the origin story of Ash and Pikachu, so I won’t be going too much there since it was largely the same as the first episode. What I’m talking about is everything past the 10 minute-mark. The story of how Ash Ketchum met Verity and Sorrel and their quest to find Ho-oh.

The first thing I wanna say is that this is a solid idea start to finish. The way Ash met Verity and Sorrel, the rivalry with Cross, the trials and tribulations they go through to find Ho-oh are all believable. It was hardly a complex story, but in this case, the simple goal of a lovably simple trainer is all you need. 

Now for my first criticism. The first that comes to mind was the pacing that made the movie seem a little too eager to get through the smaller parts in favorite of the bigger, heavier scenes. The problem with this is that these bigger scenes don’t have as much impact without the proper buildup. Butterfree’s goodbye felt a little hollow since we didn’t see much of the pokémon beyond its evolution scenes. The inclusion of the legendary dogs didn’t feel as meaningful since their connection with our three heroes seemed a little too convenient. 

Speaking of heroes, let’s talk about Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. If there’s one thing I can give this movie full props for, it’s putting Ash Ketchum at the center of it. A movie where Ash is the true main character instead of just a face to put next to the marketable characters is what I’ve always wanted. Best of all, they actually have Ash go through some real development, and on an internal level no less. When he muttered that he wish he’d had a different starter, that gave me goosebumps since it’s so unlike the Ash we know now. But given that this is a reimagining of Ash at the start of his journey, it makes sense to characterize him this way. Kudos M20 for making this a true Ash Ketchum movie.

I believe a special mention goes to the dream sequence, which may be the most original thing the Pokémon movies has ever done. It’s essentially a world where Pokémon don’t exist, and Ash Ketchum is typical anime schoolboy. It really crossed into the uncanny valley of being so familiar yet also so wrong that I respect the writers for eliciting such an emotion out of me.

Props to Sarah Natochenny for giving her most impressive performance of Ash yet. She’s still rough around the edges, but you tell that she’s putting in real genuine emotion at the right moments. She’s come a long way.

Of course, you can’t talk about Ash without Pikachu. The yellow rat is just as much of a jerk at the start of film as we all expected. From spearow attack onwards, Pikachu’s personality does sort of plateau for the rest of the film, save for some key moments like the dream sequence. I will say this, though: Ikue Ohtani is spectacular when delivering Pikachu’s most emotionally driven moments. I honestly had chills during the “death” scene.

As for the “talking” scene...it could have been worse. I heard a few laughs of disbelief in the theatre so I know the seriousness didn’t resonate with everyone.  It felt like we were supposed to take it as a mental translation on Ash’s part, but the execution of it felt a little too far into reality. Good try.

Now for our side heroes, Verity and Sorrel. Note: If you looking for comparisons between them against Misty and Brock, you’ve come to the wrong review.

Verity, on all accounts, is a perfectly likeable heroine. She’s has a lot of the qualities that make her a good parallel for Ash: headstrong, spunky, earnest, empathetic, with a little fire in her. It certainly helps that she’s voiced by Suzy Myers, one of my top favorite voice actors in the dub. Thankfully, her backstory wasn’t overbearingly sad. It had just enough subtlety for the audience to sympathize with her. All in all, nothing groundbreaking, but just right for a movie appearance. 

Sorrel, on the other hand, I’m not afraid to admit I was sort of disappointed with. I get that he plays the “mature” role to Ash and Verity, and in that apartment, he’s a decent character. My issue is that it’s the only thing about him, so he didn’t have much character depth. There wasn’t really anything to offset his sensible personality, such as the quirks that “mature” characters like Brock and Cilan had. It certainly didn’t help that his voice actor, David Oliver Nelson, seemed to struggle giving him a good emotional range. Guess you can’t win them all. 

Then there’s our antagonist, the not-Damian Cross. He definitely plays the role of being everything that Ash isn’t, and in that regard, he’s a very good villain. I think my issue with Cross is not so much his personality, but by his character growth, which felt very textbook as far as rivals are concerned. He does effectively increase the tension whenever he’s on screen so I’ll give him that. At this time, I don’t know who voices him, but he seems to have some of the performance issues Nelson appears to have. Overall, a good rival that needed some refinement to be really great.

Bonji was obviously meant to be a representation of fans who’ve been with the franchise for twenty years. Not much to say about him except that he’s a fun addition, even if he is just a little more than a mouthpiece for the plot.

Our obligatory mythical Pokémon, Marshadow is...weird. Jumping from an observer to leading a genocide against humans was certainly an unexpected development, so I give the movie props for not giving yet another cutesy, pure-hearted legendary. But going back to the movie’s pacing issues, the jump from passive to active was just so fast, that it almost felt like a cop-out. If anything, Marshadow will be one of the more memorable pokémon the movies ever put out. 

Team Rocket...I love you guys, but even I can’t deny how insignificant you were to this movie. Being utter gag characters is fine in some cases, but in a 20th anniversary movie, you’d think Team Rocket would have more of a starring role. And it hurts even more since they had more significant roles in the last string of Pokémon movies. Better luck next time.

Technically speaking, this may be the most visually inspiring film to date. Seeing the landscapes of the Kanto region in such vibrant and immersive colors just blew my mind, and the lighting was absolutely impeccable to boot. The animation, to my surprise, exceeded my expectations. It was joyfully frenetic at the action scenes, and delightfully subdued in its quieter moments. I have nary a complaint in this regard.

And now for the most controversial part of my review: the music. Not gonna lie, I was one of the people who was really, really hoping they’d keep the Japanese soundtrack, and I was met with disappointment when my hopes were shot down. Now the dub soundtrack isn’t horrendous, mind you. It’s just that I personally am not a fan of Ed Goldfarb’s compositions–they lack variety and are emotionally muted in my opinion–though to be fair, this does feel like his better works compared to previous movies. I also really respect that they kept silence where it was essential. But for an anniversary movie, having the original tracks from the series just felt like an absolute must. I can only imagine just how much more glorious the movie sounds in the original.  

As I said before, this movie is a case of a really strong, really solid idea suffering from less than stellar execution. This is quite honestly, the most important Pokémon film in existence, as it very likely will affect how the anime and films will proceed from here. The inclusion of past traveling companions at the end was especially meaningful, because it told us that the writers do remember they exist, and that future appearances are not out of the question. It’s a tease, but a much desired one. 

While I may have expressed some disappointment in the dub, I can recognize that the cast and crew really put their heart into this one, which why I find its shortcomings to be more disheartening than aggravating. Despite its narrative constraints, it really did feel like the Pokémon team, both the original and dub, put so much more effort into giving us a Pokémon movie to remember. If I had to give this movie a hard rating it’d be a 7.5/10. Let’s hope that future Pokémon movies will be given just as much love as this one.

[elysiumrp]

Congratulations SAWYER! You have been accepted as Triston Fitz. Please go through the checklist and send in your account within 24 hours. If you need more time, make sure you send a message to the main.

Can I just say that your application blew me away? I can’t wait to see your take on Triston played out for us on the dash. You clearly tapped into the emotional conflict that I tried to instill in his character whenever I wrote his bio, and I can’t help but be extremely excited that someone else has noticed the innerworkings and details of Triston and his personality. Your sample paragraph in particular gave me a full fleshing out of the version of Triston that you have identified, and I am in love with the various details that you’ve already added as you’ve branched off from his bio. He’s a conflicted vampire to say the least, and he’s a conflicted vampire in a very conflicted time at that, so Triston’s future is uncertain and up to you to create. I can’t wait to see it. Welcome to Elysium!!

OOC INFO

Name: Sawyer Age: 21 Timezone: PST Preferred Pronouns: He/Him Previous RP Experience: [RFP] Activity Level:  As with any writer my activity will be completely dependent on how involved I get into the group (hopefully as much as possible right?). You can expect daily if not semi-hourly activity from me. I will be on the dash and have never recieved an activity warning in my collective years as a writer. (I don’t apply to groups that I don’t intend to put 100% of my effort into.) Anything Else:  P.S It’s been a while since I have attempted Tumblr based RP so it may take me a little bit longer than usual to set up an account if I am accepted. Only because I will have to refresh on xKit and all that jazz. (I code my own layouts for Roleplayer.me, Tumblr and Aniroleplay so I am definitely well versed in the coding formats for Tumblr.) Just figured I should let you all know that. Hopefully that doesn’t chase anyone off of this app.

IC INFO

Character Name: Triston Fitz Why did you choose this character:

For me to explain why I chose Triston out of the slew of other available open males I will have to tell you a bit about myself. As long as I can remember I have always been fascinated with despair. Yes I know that is a damned awful thing for someone to say, but let me explain; To me despair is the quintessential foundation for absolutely all human interaction. It quite literally defines who we are. Think about it; What has shaped you more as an individual? Your happy moments or the moments where you sink so low in your own despair that you either have to sacrifice a part of yourself to continue or show that you have what it takes to overcome adversity and tribulation. So for mark number one I was helplessly drawn in to Triston’s included details. The fact that to him, protecting those he cares about is more important than even his own life. It would leave me ample room to establish that he would never change this about himself, but that it eats him alive because he also knows he can’t ever go back to the people he cares most about; His family. Triston Fitz truly seemed like the character that could fit my unique quirks. His story spoke to me, as a brother myself I understand completely that ultimate level of protection that is a fundamental part of his personality. At the same time this man who wants to protect and help keep people safe is also aware of his own ravenous hunger. He attacked a man just walking down the street, I can only imagine how deeply that must be ingrained into his psyche. It would be the perfect form of self-betrayal; here you have a man so devoted to protection that he has become a bodyguard of the supernatural locale ruthlessly devouring a man out of sheer unkempt desire. So your question was; Why did I chose this character? That much is simple; the character spoke to me on a level that none others have so far. Which is why I am here, applying to hopefully breathe life to what I perceived as one of the most emotionally complex characters in your roster. I feel that I myself would be a great writer for the role as the “emotionally complex, yet equally stoic” man is sort of my personal favorite role. Several of the characters I have loved the most have been mentally complex characters. * A list of some of my previous characters/roles I have filled. If the admins would like direct links to profiles they can request them and I will happily provide.

—- Nathaniel Schyler: An abusive, controlling uncle/doctor. His fame was employed to mask his dark tendencies. He was very much a “puppet master” type role.

Kurty-Kurt: Obviously this is my nickname for my lovable werewolf with cancer. He was very emotionally unstable and very powerful as a new turned werewolf. This character shared the paternal protective nature that Triston displays to the point that he had been seriously burned in his wolf form while trying to protect his wounded mother figure from a pyro-obsessed witch. This left his wolf hideously disfigured until the next new moon and even carried over to his human form in the form of burn damage to his lungs.

Dominic Rilai: Dominic was one of the first roles I ever took on in the “supernatural” verses. A Celt turned vampire in a religious ceremony that promised to make him the ultimate warrior for his people. The ultimate protector, little did he know he wasn’t the only one of his kind. This role I feel is especially worth noting as Dominic was an vampire from around Triston’s era. (the mid to late 1500’s) His age granted him a healthy amount of power so I had to exercise the restraint of a character that had this power in the past. I know that this often can be one of the main concerns for admins when accepting applications for older more experienced character roles. How did that spiderman line go? “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Deucalion: Yes that’s right. I played none other than the Demon Wolf himself. The best part? People loved the unique way I established detail. Seeing as Deucalion is blind unless in his wolf form (in which he sees in a way similar to echo location it seems) I had to come up with different more textile ways to depict my details. Instead of focusing on what my character may have seen I focused on what he could feel. Even going as far as to clearly depict that I could proficiently write characters with adverse situations/conditions.

Eobard Thawne: The Reverse Flash. This role lasted for nearly 3 and a half years before I retired it as the RPG he was a part of fell apart due to a group of clique writers.

Abbadon: The Lord of The Abyss. A deity for a god-verse RP. Abbadon was the master of secrets and the abyss. He was constantly plotting and establishing connections that could give him advantageous opportunities.

Describe your plan for them:

I plan only to do my absolute best to embody what I felt your depiction of Triston Fitz was and to grow more with the community in hopes of forming connections that spark great writes and drive evolution of not just Triston, but any and everyone who would like to interact with us (in the event I am chosen to be his writer ofc). The most ideal way for things to work out would be that I get accepted, set up the profile and then jump head first into meeting and greeting the rest of the community. I’m a bit of a ‘go-getter’ so you could expect me to be one of the people constantly driving to connect to the other characters and writers. I’d love to eventually depict Triston so well that the admins themselves will be happy they chose me to be his writer. As a writer I am very driven by the story, I want to do anything I can to ensure that Triston does his part to help the story progress and bring the community more and more interesting and compelling interactions with this amazing character. He offers so much potential that I was actually quite surprised he was still listed as open. I want to tap into the despair that I feel lies within Triston’s heart and use it to flesh out even more of his background and story as he and I progress with the group and it’s plots. Truly I am in high hopes that I have finally found a new place to write and share my creative musings from a personal standpoint. Reading through EVERYTHING on your navi leads me to believe that the admins have experienced some of the unfortunate events that I have so they can perhaps offer a more unified and stable community for me to write in and partake of. The fact that their is an anti-clique rule is honestly amazing in my mind. Most groups don’t give a rats ass if their writers only write with literally 4 people in a group of 30+. So again, for the character I plan on putting my best foot forward and engaging with the other writers to help do my part to shape the group and the community we are establishing together as a whole. I’d like to depict that even though Triston’s area of employment may make people assume that he would be a big, daft jarhead bouncer type of man that you can’t judge a book by it’s amazon reviews. I want to open people’s eyes to the inner struggle of a man who lost it all and knows that despite how truly he desires it that he will never be able to get back the one thing that gave his life true meaning; His family. He is such a compelling and driving character, but I also feel he would do his best to depict his image as the opposite. I would love to highlight the contrasts in his personality. Almost as if there were two Tristons; The one that died the night of the attack and the one that lived to never tell the tale. These two beings are at constant war with themselves inside of him; He wants to protect, but needs to destroy (feed). He is a beautiful disaster, a brave warrior and one hell of a brother. At the end of the line that is what I want to do with him.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the initial reveal of the supernatural world:

Initially Triston wasn’t certain what to feel. The veil that had kept most of their lives intact had finally been pulled back. He wasn’t sure whether or not it was the greatest thing ever to happen to his kind or if it was truly the beginning of the end. Man kind was never known for it’s accepting nature. Could the humans really accept his kind? Was there any hope that the polarity of the two could level out? Or had this reveal merely started the clock to the end? How long would it be until it started? The hate crimes and targeted oppression of his kind were all but inevitable. His protective nature would drive him to be off-put at first, the sheer uncertainty of the seemingly instantaneous reveal of the supernatural world would certainly be something that would be the talk of the ages. He only hoped that this wasn’t the calm before the storm. Or much worse the eye of the hurricane, surrounded by the storm as it rages around them. Triston would be uncertain, the endless stream of questions brought up by his long life would rush through his mind like the torrential current of the sea. He has been among man in secret for a majority of his long life. Five hundred years is plenty of time for him to have seen the true nature of man. To destroy what they don’t understand…

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the current state of the world, and how it impacts them as an individual:

Triston’s original uncertainty had come to fruition. Within the short duration and multiple collapses of the councils the humans had already established a ridiculous rule to prevent supernaturals from gathering. Segregation at it’s absolute most raw. The ways of man that he spoke of before? These were those ways. He knew all too well from his seemingly endless years on the world of man that the peace would not last. As if it had ever existed in the first place. There were problems of course with everything, but if there was anything Triston had learned from his long life it was how to adapt and survive. While the others were now forced into hiding he had already been in hiding; from himself, from the humans and even from his family. The rebellion gave him at least a minute glimmer of hope for the supernaturals en masse. At least they hadn’t given up and succumbed to this oppression. They still were uniting, even if the union was founded on the blood and bones of their friends and families. The unfortunate souls that were lost to the unavoidable conflict between the two worlds. Triston personally would face a much deeper confliction now. Of course he is pro supernatural, but does that have to inherently make him anti-human? Why did everything always have to be black and white. He was never good with absolutes, Hell the man couldn’t even bring the two parts of himself together; What hope did he have of trying to maintain the last shreds of decentsy and civility among the two castes? For now Triston would stick to what he knew; Protecting the Merlot and it’s denizens from the harsh reality that was encircling them all.

Para Sample:

The wind blew harshly against his cheeks as his footsteps carried him down the roads of the city he now called home. Triston had made a habit of walking a specific route every day that most would have wrongly assumed was to keep his toned physique up to par. In truth though Triston hoped by at least walking the streets, showing his face that he could open the eyes of the two sides of the broiling feud and show them that it was possible to live among eachother peacefully. In his mind it didn’t fully make sense, but he felt the need to do it regardless. He took the time on these walks to observe his city and the people of it; doing whatever he could in order to learn the current state of affairs. Triston wasn’t one to directly confront someone for information, his time as a bodyguard had show him that patience and a listening ear accomplish much more than muscle and brawn ever could. Just as he was getting lost in his observations he would collide with another male, the force of his spaced out walking apparently enough to knock the other man’s groceries all over the sidewalk. “What the hell was that?!? Watch where you’re going punk!” The other would holler out in spite towards Triston, the tone in his voice rang through and through with aggression. Triston had only moments to assess the situation. He stooped low and collected the other man’s groceries, returning them to the other man immediately upon standing to his feet.

His toned arm extended the bag as he spoke his apology, “Yeah, That was my bad. No dodging that, Sorry man. Have a nice day.” His arm remained there for several seconds as the other male stood bewildered by the sincerity in his voice. Triston would even let the edges of his lips curve upward, forming a light smile that accompanied his apology almost perfectly. The Merlot certainly taught him how to diffuse a potentially violent situation as quickly and with as little confrontation as possible. The higher ups didn’t like it when they received complaints about violence among their patrons. That was after all why they paid him to do the job. He was big, he was the personification of the golden boy. His smiles charmed vipers and his words calmed the raging seas, five hundred years in the making Triston had become a master of speechcraft. The man finally collected himself and accepted his groceries back before heading on his way, a content look on his face masked how terrible the man must have felt for reacting so abrasively before. Triston simply tucked his hands into his pockets and continued his walk. Another conflict avoided, another person shown compassion and understanding. That’s how Triston would take his stand in everything that was going on, he just wanted everyone to try and coexist. They had done it for so long without any issues except for the occassional upset, but you don’t judge the entirety of the supernatural worlds based on the actions of specific individuals. There were good people here too, some that didn’t always have the choice of becoming what they are now. Hell, even he didn’t remember any vampire appearing before him. Everything from that day was a haze lost in his adrenaline fueled need to protect his brother from certain injury. Could the humans really judge them so harshly? Hadn’t the humans been waging wars long before the supernaturals were even publicly acknowledged as a reality? The entirety of that situation just left him feeling more desolate than before. One thing was certain, Triston would do whatever it took to keep those he cared for safe. From anyone or anything that tried to harm them; Human or not.

At the same time Triston had been fighting with his conflicted heart again; one side wanted everyone to try and restore the balance that once existed despite how fragile it was, the other knows all too well that any connections that could be made can just as easily be broken or more likely stolen away from you. These damned cynical thoughts plagued his thoughts immensely, he reached to the bridge of his nose and pinched it tightly. He shook his head and tilted his head higher. “Just gotta keep going. You owe it to them. You’re a survivor and you know it. Keep them at hands distance, dont get attached and you’ll be fine.” How were they ever supposed to fix their situation if they couldn’t even agree on what the issues were? He shook his head again before rounding the corner, the inviting visage of The Merlot looming just ahead. He plastered back on his broken smile and spoke to himself again, “Just another day in Hell right?” It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate his job, he just didn’t see it being his final stop. Sure he had settled down for now and tried to establish at least something worth holding on to, but he wasn’t one for hopeless optimism in a world of cold reality. Eventually he knew something would likely drive him to continue his wandering. He wasn’t sure if he was searching for a new meaning, a new start or a new life, but one thing was absolutely clear; He could never, ever go back.

Any questions/concerns/things you’d like to change: (siblings to add, pronouns, sexuality you’d like to specify, personality, face claim, history, etc., etc.)

The only thing I would like to request is input on the app regardless of acceptance or not. As I am returning to tumblr RPG after a decent break the ability to improve or progress further is all I ask for in return for my time. So please let me know if there is anything you guys have to offer as input. Positive or negative; It will be used constructively to help improve my writing and/or future apps.

P.S I am definitely capable of writing much more than I did for the sample. I actually prefer novella writing as I feel it lets me flesh out more distinctive and concise details. I tried to stick a bit closer to the lighter end of para for this as to not come off as a try hard. If you would like a more lengthy sample to get a better idea of my writing ability please don’t hesitate to say so!

[saccharinerose]

I finished Tenka’s profile so if you wanna read it, look under the cut~

Biographical Information

Name: Hijiri Tenka

Kanji: 日知人 天火

Name meaning:

   日 means day, 知 means knowledge and 人 means person

   天 means heaven  and 火  means fire

Nickname(s): Ten-chan, Angel

Alias/Hero Name: The Glorious Hero, Ophanim

Personal Description

Birthdate: 29th September

Star Sign: Libra

Age: 17 years

Gender: female

Species: Human

Height: 161cm | 5'6''

Weight: 52kg | 114 lbs

Hair colour: Light blonde

Eye colour: Light turquoise

Skin colour:  Pale

Quirk: Halo

Quirk type: Mutant

Quirk range: All ranges

Status

Status: Alive

Family:

   Hijiri Kazue (mother, deceased)

   Hijiri Taiki (father, alive)

Affiliation: Yuuei

Occupation: Student

Department: Heroics

Class: 3-? (same class as Big 3)

Voice Claim:

   Tōyama Nao (Japanese)

   Brianna Knickerbocker (English)

Appearance

Tenka is a girl of slightly below average height with a moderate built. She has pale skin, wavy light blonde hair that reaches to her waist and light turquoise eyes that often seem out of focus. She has a halo levitating above her head that usually gives off a faint yellow glow but can shine very brightly depending on her emotional state.

She wears the standard Third Year's Yuuei uniform consisting of a grey vest, a white short-sleeved shirt, a red tie and a layered dark blue skirt. On her feet she wears black socks that reach about midway up her lower leg and the typical brown penny loafers.

Personality

Tenka is a careful person. She is not the kind of girl who does things without thinking about them and would rather take her time to make decisions when given the opportunity. She is put off by people who just rush in without thinking and not caring about the consquences. She greatly dislikes recklessness and even more when people reward it.

She is driven more by emotion rather than reason and is a hopeless romantic. Her emotions can be a great motivator for her, but also a hindrance. If an accomplishment means something for her emotionally she will put her heart and soul into reaching that accomplishment.

Making other people feel good and secure also makes Tenka herself feel good and she greatly enjoys helping others out. She wants to have a good influence on the world and people around and accomplish something lasting in her life.

She can be very self-conscious about some things and will be quite hurt if those are made fun of. She tries to keep herself calm and collected at all times but doesn't always succeed. She often looses her composure and is easily embarrassed. When embarrassed she often gets her thoughts in a jumble and starts babbling nonsense, repeating herself over and over again until her babbling eventually turns into quieter mumbling.

When getting lost in her emotions she also tends to loose control over the luminosity level of her halo, which she greatly dislikes. She can, however, calm down rather quickly from these moments and regain her composure and even quicker if other people stay calm and give her security.

But she has a more stern side to her as well and when she is absolutely required to be more serious she can usually pull it off. When pushed into an unexpected situation where things are at stake she manages to keep her head cool but is somehow not able to do the same in a casual, every day situation. When not faced with immidiate threat she can not take things as serious.

Tenka is easily scared. But her go-to reflex when suprised is to punch instead of running. She has more than once punched people on accident so she really wants to get rid of that reflex. But she just can't seem to get rid of it.

She does not like being told what she can and can not do when she thinks otherwise. She is very understanding though and can listen to and recognize different points of views but stands firmly with her opinions. She is unmoving in her decisions once she made up her mind. It's very hard to change her opinion once that happened but not impossible if she is presented with good enough reasoning.

Tenka is a very independent person with a charming and communicative nature. She works good with routine but is not thrown off by unexpected situations either. She can be in charge when necessary but would often prefer not to.

While extroverted, she is not exactly a social butterfly. She usually has no problems with social interactions but also has times when she'd prefer to be alone. She has a generally mild mannerism unless startled or embarrassed.

She can read emotions really well, especially of people she knows. Although it's also easy for her to read people she met a short time ago. However her perception concerning other people's emotions can be clouded by a variety of factors, first and foremost her own feelings towards a person.

Likes

   Fish and other marine creatures

   Singing

   Cream puffs/Profiteroles

   Tempura

   Aquariums

   Baking

   Spring

Dislikes

   Careless heroes and people

   Loosing her composure

   Haunted houses

   Jumpscares

   Sushi

Hobbies:

Baking and Cooking

Tenka's cooking and baking hobby started early on in her childhood where she'd often take care of preparing the meals each day because her father went to work too early and came home too late to properly take care of it. She likes to try all sorts of recipes but her speciality is baking pastries. The process is soothing for her but the best part, in her opinion, is giving the things she made to the people she loves and seeing them enjoy eating.

Her Fish

Tenka has a tank with freshwater angelfish that she takes care of and likes to watch. She has a Silver Angelfish named Uoza [魚座], two Sunset Blushing Angelfish named Kon [昬] and Sho [曙] and a Marble Angelfish named Haku [璞]. She loves her fish just like any dog owner loves their dog, a cat owner loves their cat and so on. She prefers to take care of them herself and is aversed to letting others handle them. Ever since she has gotten her first fish, which was Uoza, she hasn't been on vacation, not even once. She even almost skipped school excursions and was only reluctantly convinced to let her aunt take care of them. She called her aunt very often to make sure they were alright.

Reading

An expected hobby for someone who spends large amounts of time at home completely alone. Tenka reads in bed before going to sleep, she reads while waiting for the food to cook or bake and she reads in the living room on the couch right next to her fish tank. As a hopeless romantic she likes romance novels the best, provided they are decently written, but she also likes the odd fantasy story, a good romance in such stories is like a neat bonus for her. On good days she can get through a 300-page book in one night.

Quirk

Halo [ 暈 - Kasa] Her Quirk gives Tenka a halo above her head, the luminosity of which she can freely control. The halo is usually fixed in its place above her head but it can be moved by force. However, when loosing the momentum that pushed it from its usual place, it will immidiately return there. The halo is physical and can be touched, but it can be very hot, depending on its luminosity. The luminosity of the halo can range from a dim glow to emitting the heat of a nuclear explosion (but she rarely goes to that extreme).

Advantage:

+ Tenka's halo can get so bright it scorches everything in her surroundings + She is resistent to intense heat + Her eyes can not be blinded by bright light + Due to Tenka being resistant to her halo's heat she can grab and throw it like a frisbee

Disadvantage:

- The heat and light from her halo affect everyone: Villains, allies and civilians - When overwhelmed with emotions she may accidentally blind/burn friends with the light from her halo

Backstory

When Tenka was three years old her mother Kazue was fatally injured in a fight between a villain and a hero. The area was not evacuated properly and she was caught under falling debris. She later died in hospital because of her injuries. Her father Taiki was very distraught after his wife's death. He neglected his work to take care of Tenka. Since her Kazue was the main money earner they were a bit short on money after her death. So her father had to work very hard to get a raise at his job so he could earn more money for Tenka to live a better life. Her aunt, her father's sister, often helped out and took care of Tenka when Taiki was working.

Her Quirk manifested at the age of 4. Her father was very suprised to see her with a Halo above her head when he came home from work. He started crying because it was the same Quirk Kazue had. Tenka was confused why her father just started crying but he could not tell her what happened to her mother yet.

Tenka started becoming independent very early in her life. She cleaned the house, did the laundry and learned how to cook. She'd often suprise her father with meals she cooked herself when he came home from work. She even took a part-time job when turning 14 to earn money too. When she was old enough her father told her what happened to her mother. It changed her outlook on heroes drastically, but mostly on the ones known for being careless and doing collateral damage. Taiki managed to get a job with much better pay after a few years of hard work. However this job required him to work a lot overseas so he had to leave Tenka home alone for prolonged periods of time. He didn't like the idea of leaving her alone for so long but he eventually accepted it after Tenka assured him that she could take care of herself. When her father is away she speaks to him over video-chat every evening. It was during one of his work travels that she told him she wanted to become a hero. Her father vehemently tried to convince her not to but Tenka was unwavering in her decision.

She told him she wanted to become a hero that does not endanger civilians and that limits collateral damage. She hopes to inspire others to become heroes like her and keep civilians safer than ever. She successfully enrolled in Yuuei in the same year as Amajiki, Hado and Togata. She befriended the three of them, as well as several other students during the next years.

Relationships

Family

Hijiri Kazue - mother

Since Tenka was only 3 years old when her mother died she barely remembers anything about her. She only knows what her mother looks like (and that they look quite similar) thanks to old family photos that were taken in the 3 years her mother was there. On the days where she feels lonely, with her father overseas, she sometimes wishes her mother was still there.

Hijiri Taiki - father

Taiki became very protective of her after Kazue died and this has continued to the present. He is very proud that she can take care of herself but is very worried about her becoming a hero. He wishes she would have chosen a safer career after what happened to his wife but knows that Tenka is unwavering in her decision. He is always happy to come home from work and seeing her again, especially after being away for long. Tenka worries a lot about her father too. She always reminds him to not overwork himself, to take frequent breaks and to sleep well. She wishes her father could be at home more often but she also knows that he needs to do this work to earn money. She makes sure to call him over video chat every day, tell him all about her day and ease his worries.

Canon Characters

Amajiki Tamaki - boyfriend

Tamaki and Tenka were in the same class since 1st year. She first saw him in the Entrance Exam, befriended him during the 1st year and developed a crush on him by the end of it. She kept silently pining until halfway through the 2nd year.

She was so worried that Nejire might tell him that one day after school she confessed to Tamaki on impulse. When he just stood there in shocked silence for a few minutes she got so embarrassed that she ran away without waiting for his answer. They awkwardly avoided each other for half of the next day before Tenka got a prep talk from Nejire who encouraged her to go talk to him. And she did.

She apologized for running away before he could reply. Tamaki also began apologizing for taking so long with his answer that she got embarrassed but Tenka assured him that he was absolutely not at fault for this. When she begins her typical embarrassed babbling Tamaki calmly interrupts her  to tell her that he feels the same and Tenka gets even more embarrassed but this time she doesn't run away. Though her halo starts glowing intensely. Tamaki (successfully) attempts to calm her down by hugging her. Their moment, however, is interrupted when they spot Nejire who saw the entire conversation happen. But after being spotted Nejire quickly leaves to give them some privacy.

When Tamaki got famous in Yuuei as one of the Big Three Tenka'd always be right behind him to have his back if he ever needed it. Tenka is a very supportive girlfriend for Tamaki. She always interferes and tries to divert the attention to her when he is bothered by large groups of people and gets anxious. She can read Tamaki exceptionally well so she always knows when he can't stand to be in the center of attention anymore. Whenever Tamaki has bouts of self-doubt, whatever it may be about, Tenka is ready to reassure and encourage him at any time. When they go out on dates she always makes sure he feels comfortable and that they can enjoy their time together. When she tries out new recipes she always saves some for him to try.

Tamaki also tries his best at being a good boyfriend. He often takes Tenka on dates to the aquariam, knowing how much she loves seeing all sorts of fish. Seeing the smile on her face and her amazement from watching the fish and other marine creatures is worth it, even if he doesn't really care that much about aquariums himself. He often comes to her home to keep her company when Tenka's father is away or invites her to spend time with him and his family instead. Tamaki is very happy to have her at his side and have her support. He also gives it his all to encourage Tenka whenever she might feel unsure.

Hadou Nejire

- close friend

Tenka and Nejire are very good friends. They became friends during their 1st year. They often hang out together outside of school. Going shopping, watching movies or learning together for exams. Tenka often feels the need to apologize for Nejire's abundance of curious questions whenever she is there to witness it.

She knew about Tenka's crush on Tamaki and always gave her knowing looks when she was making heart eyes at him. It embarrassed her to no ends and she made her swear to not tell Tamaki. But Hadou always made an effort to be the best wing(wo)man for her friend. For example making them hold hands when they visited a haunted house together under the pretense that it will keep Tenka from accidentally punching the actors or animatronics. When Tenka just ran away after confessing to Tamaki she came to Nejire for advice who encouraged her to go talk to him

Togata Mirio - close friend

While Tenka would consider Mirio a good friend of hers they are not as close as she is with Nejire or Amajiki. But the two of them connect through their desire to support Tamaki and have occasionally joined together to encourage him. When Mirio found out that Tenka and Tamaki are dating he congratulated both of them rather enthusiastically and reminded them to be good to each other. He is very supportive of their relationship and is happy that Tamaki found a girlfriend who loves him the way he is and supports him how she can. When Tenka wants to suprise Tamaki with a gift she always goes to Mirio with her ideas or for advice, knowing how long they've known each other and how close they are.

Other acquaintances: Kirishima Eijirou, Ryukyu, Fatgum

OCs:

Kobayashi Misato (by libertylibra)

Misato and Tenka met through Nejire, who has been a friend of Misato since middle school and who befriended Tenka at the beginning of their 1st year at UA. Nejire introduced them to each other in class, before that they have only taken notice of each other's presence but not really interacted. They get along pretty well as they have similar personalities, both being kind, calm and having a desire to help people. Though Tenka lacks the composure Misato has, which Misato tries to help her with. Tenka is infinitely thankful for Misato's help even if it's only a mild success so far. Perceptive as she is, Misato also noticed Tenka's very obvious crush on Tamaki. Now that they are dating she is very supportive of their relationship, just like Nejire and Mirio.

Himura Akihiko (by zariyen)

Akihiko first heard of Tenka as someone who is very closely acquainted with the Big 3. He tries to befriend her to get close to the Big 3, seeing her as an easy target due to her gentle mannerism and appearance. Tenka, being used to people trying to befriend her to get close to the Big 3, suspected that Akihiko approached her because of this. But she gave him the benefit of the doubt. She also knows how unapproachable they seem, especially to underclassmen, so she doesn't take it that much to heart. Akihiko is initially cautious towards her but he eventually begins to genuinely like her after getting to know her better. He admires her rational nature since it's much like his own and finds comfort in her compassionate side. Since Akihiko is very insecure he'll often depend on Tenka whenever he is down, however he will be very discreet about it. Akihiko likes to mess with Tenka and tease her and, at times, she even attempts to tease him back. But Aki finding her embarrassed blabbering hilarious and trying to mess with her till she does it frustrates Tenka to no end. Through sheer spite alone Tenka manages to become more collected and calm just to not give him the satisfaction. He also sometimes scares her, but because of Tenka's punch-reflex, always goes to sulk whenever he took a jab to the face. Tenka always runs after him, apologizing profusely.

Itoh Saori (by zariyen)

Saori and Tenka met through Akihiko. Saori always watches out to make sure Akihiko doesn't go around causing trouble and stumbled upon the two of them one day. Thinking that Aki was stirring trouble again, she rushed over to them to stop him. After the misunderstanding has been cleared up, Saori and Tenka became better acquainted. They had a bit of a rough start with Tenka being somewhat intimidated by Saori's initial stiffness but she warmed up to her rather quick as Tenka knows not to judge people based on first impressions. And since Saori obviously approached her not because of her connection to the Big 3 Tenka was able to become closer to Saori faster than to Akihiko. Saori loves how compassionate and genuine Tenka is and is also very interested in Tenka's Quirk. Tenka in return admires Saori's collected and serious nature and in a way looks up to her, despite her being an underclassmen. Saori often feels a sense of protectiveness over Tenka because of her height. Tenka often offers Saori advice and help regarding class president tasks, even if she herself isn't the most authoritative person out there. Saori is very grateful for Tenka's support as she is used to being depended on and reluctant to seek help. It's a nice change for her to be able to depend on someone else.

Trivia:

Her eyes are almost always out of focus

天火 (Tenka) is also the name of an atmospheric ghost light from japanese folklore

She has a tank with various kinds of Angelfish at home

When she decided to become a hero she started taking Judo classes which she still continues. 

She told her father it was for self-defense as she didn't want him to know about her career choice at that time

Her Hero Name comes from a class of celestial beings called Ophanim/Ofanim, which are usually depicted as wheels

The glorious in her Alias comes from the fact that a halo can also be referred to as 'glory' and is called 'gloria' in Latin

During the 2nd year at UA she tried to learn how to move the halo from its position over her head with her mind but eventually realized that it needs too much concentration and time to do so. 

After that she focused on honing her skills to accurately throw her halo. (Imagine it like Captain America but instead of a big shield it's a small halo that can glow with the intensity and heat of a nuclear explosion)

Her favorite animals are pidgeon and sheep

Her favorite colors are apricot orange and teal

Her favorite flower is the lily of the valley

Her birthday, September 29, is also the name day of the names Michael, Gabriel and Raphael wich are the names of three of the archangels 

[ceciliayoder1992]

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[diningrheum]

When it all comes tumbling down…gratitude!

I know my last post said that this month was SUPPOSED to be all about gratitude (and I promise I will still try to incorporate a little bit towards the end) but I’m struggling with it at this point, and I just want to make this blog REAL and HONEST…or else what’s the point of it.  Not to sound like one of those anti-depressant commercials that you see on TV, but most days in real life, I feel like I’ve had to wear a mask.  I don’t want my parents to worry, so I only tell them the good news about my RA, but don’t tell them about some of my lingering fears.  I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend, so I took a bunch of painkillers and hopped on the bike out of fear that the pain of my rheumatoid arthritis would impact my activity levels to a point that he would care less for me.  And it’s all driven me to this point….a breaking point where I feel backed into a corner and I just want to come punching and kicking and screaming my way out and say “THIS IS ME, DAMNIT!  This is who I am!  Love me or stop loving me, but I just can’t take hiding it anymore!”

The past year or so has been a complete dumpster fire! A (not so) brief recap:

At the end of the summer in 2017, my boyfriend and I decided to take the next step after almost 5 years together and move in together.  It was my first time living with a significant other, so I was super nervous but also really excited. Things seems to be going really well….for about the first month.  And then….well…something unexpected that I’m afraid caused irreparable harm to the relationship happened.  This is something that I fear I will deeply regret every single day for the rest of my life. To be fair to him, even I did not anticipate the depth of the depression and guilt that I would feel, but I had hoped for a little more compassion that the decision would be a so difficult for me, both emotionally and physically.  I have never been suicidal, but many days I felt that I don’t deserve to live after what I had done.  This may seem like an extreme reaction and perhaps it is, and it was one I was ill prepared for.  It was something that I never told a single other person about.  He was the only one who knew, and therefore the only person I could trust to understand these feelings.  And it felt like a betrayal, when he just pretended like it never happened. It felt like a further betrayal when he failed to follow through on the steps he was supposed to take to help put my mind at ease about the situation.

In January, my symptoms began to make themselves more pronounced.  Joint pain went from “ok, I just slept weird” to ” hmm….something strange is going on here.  I don’t think this is normal.” It was enough that it inspired me to take the first food sensitivity test to look for a possible culprit to my pain.  Looking back, I still sometimes wonder if all the stress of the previous autumn were in some way linked to my onset of RA. I’ve read many accounts of trauma triggering an autoimmune disease, so if a car accident can trigger it, than I’m almost certain that an unplanned pregnancy and then being suddenly not pregnant anymore can certainly do it.  I mean, the rollercoaster of emotions between guilt and relief alone could probably do the trick, but the crazy hormone changes that the body goes through, first by getting pregnant and then in response to the demise of the fetus are not to be dismissed.

Also in January, my grandfather passed away suddenly.  On Christmas Day, he was going to a friend’s Christmas party, then by New Years he was checking into the hospital.  I never expected that he would never check out and go back home.  Then, at the end on June, I got news that my other grandfather had passed away, less than 6 months between them.  Two great men, just gone from my life during a time full of uncertainty.

Next, came my diagnosis in July.  And with it, rather than total relief or optimism that I’d finally start to get the treatment I needed, I felt more guilt.  Guilt that my boyfriend wasn’t getting the active girlfriend he thought he was moving in with.  What if I didn’t get better?  We had just moved in together and I got the diagnosis on the one-year anniversary of our closing date.  This wasn’t what he had signed up for…an invalid for a girlfriend.  At a time when I should’ve been focused on my own health, I was worried that my boyfriend wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.  Up to that point it wasn’t as if things were going swimmingly in our relationship either.  I’m not great at adjusting to change, and even though moving in together was something I wanted, I’m a weirdly private person and now it was impossible to hide my weird little quirks, like my embarrassing Netflix queue of sappy romcoms or the stupid goofy games I obsessively play on my phone or my cookbook hoarding habit. Instead of embracing it and trusting that it wouldn’t change his feelings for me, I got nervous about him finding out.  I remember more than once, he would ask about what I did on an evening that we didn’t spend together, and I got instantly defensive and secretive about it and said “Nothing! Geeez…why do you have to know so bad, you control freak!”  Truth: I binge watched some episodes of a CW show or played games on my phone all night long or danced around and lip synced in the living room while blasting the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack.

I’m not saying he was completely blameless either.  He had some expectations of me that I felt were a little unreasonable, like a quota on how many times a week he felt we should be having sex (way to suck all the romance and spontaneity out of it).  And he wasn’t always perfectly compassionate.  Before my diagnosis, he made a comment on how I wasn’t really working out any more.  Earlier in our relationship, I used to go with him to the gym, but as my hands and feet started to hurt I was less and less into it.  I know it disappointed him, but it wasn’t exactly my fault.  He asked what my new fitness routine was, and I angrily shot back “Right now I’m lucky if I can walk to and from work without pain”  Then he shot back that I needed to come up with something because otherwise I would get fat and he couldn’t see himself with someone “not fit.”  It was hurtful!  I didn’t choose to be sick, and I was trying my best to overcome my depression, but I felt like he was suggesting that I somehow planned this disease and its onset to happen after we were living together as a means to trap him! Again, this was before I knew what was wrong with me and how or if I could get back to normal.  And the tensions kept mounting and the rift between us kept growing.  We’d fight more often and every time we did, he’d throw in a subtle or not so subtle suggestion that we break up, like “Things won’t work out unless you……”  I got really defensive every time and just shut down or exploded in anger at him, which never helped the situation.

Finally came today.  A brief background:  I grew up and live in a very liberal area of the country, and have always tended to lean a little more moderate-conservative. Being election day, I put a 24-hour temporary profile picture up that said “I voted Republican.” Being someone in a liberal echo chamber, I often keep these opinions to myself to avoid debates that never tend to lead anywhere and in my experience have always results in name calling, but everyone else so proudly declares that they vote and also proudly declares how they vote, either online or in daily conversation, so why can’t I just because my opinion is a little different?  I’m just as proud of my choice and the hopefulness it brings me for freedom and I didn’t want to continue to hide it.  My boyfriend was not happy, and he took it as a personal attack on him and said my posting it endangered his relationships with others.  It felt like the ultimate betrayal.  I trusted him to know me and love me for who I am, and encourage me to feel comfortable about it.  I’m tired of hiding everything….my pregnancy, my illness, even this blog- a blog that no one in my real life knows about, including him (I planned it that way because I felt like I could be more honest with strangers that if I knew my audience and was worried about how they might read what I was writing).  Instead, I felt like he was controlling me and censoring MY facebook profile and MY opinions because of how it made HIM look. So I erupted in a series of angry texts back at him.  He asked to meet for lunch to discuss.  When we did, I erupted even more.  Eventually, when I’d lost steam on my tirade, he said that he was sorry but that our relationship was over!  So there it was: a 24 hour facebook profile pic was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I feel so many things right now: angry, devastated, remorseful, and confused!

On some level, things with us haven’t exactly been healthy for a while, but then on the other hand, I’m finally starting to get a handle on my RA symptoms and I felt like things with us were starting to improve.  Two days ago we were talking about going to the store to start planning out cabinets and countertops for a kitchen remodel in our house.  And last night, we had just gotten a new comforter for our bed after struggling with a duvet that was always spilling out of its cover because of a few missing buttons.  I was really hopeful that we were going to be able to put all the bad things in past behind us and start to look forward and hopeful for a festive holiday season where we could finally get a reprieve from all the past year or so’s troubles. It felt like we were this-close to re-establishing peace in our relationship and if we could come out of the other side of this year, maybe a little battered, but still intact then we’d have the strength to get through anything together.  But I guess all of the setbacks of this year took their toll, and now I’m forced to find a time to start packing up our shared home and move back in with my parents.

So, I said I would end this post with gratitude, since that is supposed to be the theme of my posts this month.  It’s really hard to feel grateful for much when the man you love just gave up on you and broke your heart, but I am grateful that I do have other people that are in my corner.  My parents are loving and kind and will welcome me into their home to stay as long as I need. And not having to move into an apartment alone is probably good.  My parents will be caring and compassionate that I’ve just probably lost the love of my life (I know most people say that, but even though we’ve been together for about 5 and a half years, our story goes back all the way to the fall of 2000, so it feels like 18 years of my live—my ENTIRE adult life– has just fallen apart) but will also be the tough love I need to try to navigate moving on.  I don’t have a particularly large friend group, but the ones I do have I know love me unconditionally.  Even one of my friends, who I know disagrees with me on all aspects of politics really came through for me today.  I’ve been able to come clean with those people about last fall’s pregnancy and its aftermath and they’ve all been overwhelmingly comforting and supportive in ways I hadn’t expected. Now I only wish I had told them sooner, so I wouldn’t have had a year of self loathing over the whole thing and guilt about hiding it from everyone.  They were understanding of my reasons for wanting to keep it private and were truly there for me.  And will truly be there for me going forward.

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