#everyday i wake up and think abt them and make myself sad

[lil-vibes]

skk being unknowingly touchy with eo and not minding/realizing it vs skk being so so very aware of themselves that they have never brushed up against eo (other than when strictly necessary) and explode upon holding hands

[why-the-heck-not]

how do you study/code everyday? Genuinely asking, like how do you maintain focus and not get distracted or stop when it gets hard? Ignore the following question if you live your major and school and all that: how do you not get sad? And if you do what do you do when that happens?

With love and admiration, a fellow computer science student who is struggling so much

Heyy and thank you for the ask!

Honestly, I get very distracted a whole lot. Like 50% of my days are procrastination bc I don’t want to do things. And I don’t study every day, but most days just bc I’m bad at taking full days off bc of The Guilt lol. Waking up early has helped me a ton, bc even if I procrastinate the morning bc don’t want to start doing things, it’ll still be early. The annoying thing to say, but it rly does feel like u have more hours in a day that way.

For stopping when it gets hard: I have this one playlist that’s like 30mins long, and everytime I wanna give up, I put that on, and it’s like a ”okay just gotta work until this playlist stops”-thing. And sometimes I do just stop after bc I’m getting nowhere, but sometimes that ”permission” to stop doing things actually makes me want to get them done. And sometimes u luck out and figure out the thing in that 30mins. (Sure a timer would work as well but I time my time with music a lot of times idk)

And yeah I get sad, bc like who doesn’t. Idk, I feel like the key is to try move on the second u can. You had ur bad days and can’t do anything abt that now, so wallowing & feeling guilty about that is not gonna do anything. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and a week or so won’t ruin things. Trying to not get stuck in it, the cycle of ”I’ve fucked this up ohno” and getting more depressed from that and then continuing to not being able to do anything is very real. At that point, u gotta remind urself that any little bit helps (if that’s either towards the school things or like washing piled up dishes; anything to move anything along helps to get urself out).

Also big thing that has helped me; no social media when it gets bad !! All that ”respect the grind” ”that girl” ”grind mindset” etc. makes it feel way more shitty. But also the mental health awarness side sometimes makes it too easy to be ”yeah so im sad, im not going to even try to do anything” (it’s fine obv when u just can’t, but when u notice 2 years have gone by bc ”i’m just having a bad day today” everyday, it’s no longer selfcare). So idk, what helps for me is to have the bad days just by myself in the bubble and at some point getting up and doing a thing. Which sometimes/usually snowballs into a couple things. And never underestimate the power of taking a good long shower. Everything seems more doable after a shower idk why. Also I think I say this in about every ask but WALKS !! Are so good !!!!! For everything !!

[yutadori]

okay vent time because im like really upset about this right now i guess but i cant believe it’s been eight months since lockdown like march seems SO Fucking far away i almost cant believe it happened and also that So much time has passed like. it’s almost been a year. a whole year. since everything has changed so drastically like so much has happened in this span of time yet i can barely remember any of it like. everyday feels the same, i’ve stayed inside my house almost everyday since march, i’ve literally gone out less than ten times and most of them were for doctor appointments

like. i miss just idling around in stores or just anywhere outside. i miss walking and looking up at the sky and seeing the moon ohhh my god i miss the moon so fucking bad can you believe i forgot that i used to even look up at it like. what the fuck. looking up at the moon and seeing it even when the sun is out, and then seeing how bright it is when the sun has set like god. and i just miss being able to see my friends whenever i wanted, like getting messages from friends saying that they want to go to x or y place and then planning a day, and then excitedly getting ready to meet up!! and walking over to their houses and just thinking about all the things we’re gonna do that day!! going to my friend’s house and being greeted by her and her cat!!! getting take out at my friend’s house and eating together and talking about random things or watching anime 

like!!! i miss going outside so bad like. i miss grocery shopping so much like i’ve had 5+ grocery shopping dreams since march . ive only gone to the store two times since the beginning of april and i just.... miss it so much.... i really miss the freedom of being able to go outside safely without worrying about every little thing like it’s so bad and honestly just better for me to stay inside because i get so panicked and worried, i hate it!!!! and i feel so bad being so reliant on my mom and brother to get things for me like i used to do a lot of things on my own, whether it be going places or getting myself something to eat or buying things i need. i rarely asked for their help but now whenever they go out i ask them if they can get me something wherever they’re at and they dont really say anything about it but i feel so BAD about it

like!!! im glad i can stay home and be okay but im really getting tired of staying home everyday and each day being pretty much the same. and also my family gives me a bit of a hard time about staying home and it’s like !! i know . i know. i feel . i dont like it either and i wish i could go out like they do (they dont go anywhere like . irresponsible) but i cant, i really cant. like i wish i could go see at least one friend and maybe hang out at a park with them from a distance but my anxiety is so bad, the thought of one of us possibly infecting each other always crosses my mind and i Cant risk it for either of us. like im so tired. and i feel like it’s even more difficult to get through it each day because like... we dont know when this is going to be over. if there was Some How a way to know, i feel like that would make it slightly more bearable but just . agh . im so tired....... MAN 

[meruz]

ive been neglecting my inbox so im answering all the asks rn. sorry...if you’ve been waiting for a response.

yes go ahead!! Also ik it is hard to access my FAQ from the app but btw this is in my FAQ its very comprehensive because I get this type of ask a lot LOL. dw it’s not annoying though its easy to answer and I’m glad ppl like my art enough to use it and also care abt crediting!! its in my faq not because i dont like to answer but more so u guys dont need to ask LOL

thank you!! I dont see much infinity train content ever either. when i was making infinity train fanart everyday i felt like i was on an island LOL...

honestly I feel like cahiers are decent with posca because theyre not really absorbent and posca marks tend to sit on the page as opposed to soaking through anyways. umm i wouldnt like... use it to do a whole posca piece or anything but i use poscas just for pops of color in my sketchbook pretty often and it holds up ok. sometimes u can see the shadow of the color through the paper bc its thin but thats mostly it. i took pics of some sketchbook pgs and how the back of the page looks so you can see for yourself ( cw for bakudeku LOL ) ...theres a lot of like.. normal brush pen ink and india ink that penetrates the paper more like even compared to the black posca

thank you!!!! I love drawing assorted cephalopods... their proportions remind me of drawing digimon characters LOL.

not right now u_u I’m busy.... but you can always email me at isellhotdogs@gmail.com to check abt it! sometimes i will do commissions even if im busy because it sounds cool LOL...

lol thank you!! idk if i ship(?) them either but its interesting to think about!!! theyre funny characters to bonk together and i feel like most fanart ive seen doesnt address how funny their relationship could be if it were more exploratory i guess

yk that scene is kind of a meme now but it like genuinely still makes me emotional. when colette makes lloyd promise not to tell the others at the end it breaks my heart

yeah here you go

I feel like I’ve probably talked about this before in another ask post but i dont really think about style because its one of those things that artists should try to change depending upon intention, what you’re drawing and what you want to communicate etc. what people often recognize as style are quirks that an artist maintains throughout changing their subject and approach.....ANYWAYS. thats all to say my style probably just comes out of normal stuff like looking at other art and thinking “I want to do that” or trying out different mediums and methods and settling with whatever feels the best LOL. It’s always changing & growing! Because I’m always learning new stuff!

Theres a lot! I really like the scene when daisukes lying awake in bed thinking abt how ken’s heartbeat felt. And the scene when they have a sleepover and ken wakes up first and looks over to daisuke sleeping LOL idk subtle stuff you can read very clearly as like burgeoning queer moments.. theyre recognizable from my own queer childhood and i love that in a kids anime. also at the end of the series when theyre fighting the final boss dude and ken grabs daisukes arm to ask him to jogress but hes shivering and daisuke just turns to say “youre shaking....” and in revenge of diaboromon when ken goads daisuke into endurance running by taunting him about soccer LOL (jock romance). but one i rly want to mention is theres this youtube video about how ken and daisuke’s honorifics change over the course of the series and how significant it is when they switch over to first name basis and honestly i think about it a lot THEY HAVE GREAT SCENES!! I love ken and daisuke

wow!! thats rad... the sad truth is its just my name with like a shitton of letters taken out. sometimes i abbreviate it even further as mrz and i think to myself haha ... mister z.

[ladiiskittles]

i just don’t get the shit i have the biggest heart and it’s always gettin walked on no matter how hard i try not for it to happen it does,i can’t even be happy for a while anymore i swear every other day it’s some shit i’m really starting to think my dreams are true i really do!! she says one thing and i see somethin else and it proves to me that my dreams are really true and that this point maybe i really do just need to let it that part of my life go yea we had some really good memories and i don’t wanna let her go cause i really do like her more then she knows and maybe that’s my fuckin problem i jst like her way too much if i really do feel like the feelins are mutual then why am i still there

just for once i wanna be happy with everything,be happy cause i’m in the best relationship be happy because after all this hurt i’m finally with someone who likes me for me and not using me for a good fuck..i’m so tired of crying everyday cause i’m hurting i wanna cry cause i’m happy,happy that i can finally go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face but instead i have everything runnin thru my mind i will never know what happiness feels like

all my “friends” have a girlfriend/boyfriend so it’s jst me everyday can’t go anywhere cause their too busy for me can’t talk to them cause their too busy for me can’t even really tell anyone how my day has went and how i’m feeling when i need people the most like right now i have no one i have so much stuff on my mind and i can’t tell anyone to that i trust and won’t judge me or go back and tell people so i’m on here where i know no one will see it and/judge me it’s sad that i gotta do it this way but it’s the only way it’s out of my mind

honestly i’m jst not happy anymore and still wanna know what is the purpose of me bein here im not happy, the ones i like don’t like me,can’t do anything i want,bills and bein broke is taken a toll on me,i try to make people happy but don’t get anything in return,i just really don’t get wats the purpose for me being here jst to live everyday heartbroken cause i’m already living dead so why be here i really wish i did succeed those 3 times i tried to kill myself and i been wantin to do it several times again just don’t want mama to find me right after i do it so i try to have her go out of town so i can do it to where i will be long gone when she does find my body i been feelin sad and depressed for yrs and the 1 person who i thought i could talk to(mama) told me to “stop thinking about it” i’m basically home alone everyday all day i wanna know how imma stop thinking abt it cause if i could i would i really do think it was that easy,i basically told my “best friend” that i wanted to kill myself (once again trying to talk to someone) and all she did was read my message like wow and that really showed i have no one but my damn self just really wish i didn’t feel like this but i been doin it for almost 11 yrs and the past 5 yrs really got bad..this yr i think i did the most crying i every did in the last 6 yrs..i really wish i could jst not have any feelins like they do me but im not made that way i go home everyday and cry(like right now) i shower and cry i lay in bed and cry i wake up and cry i sit outside for a bit and cry i sit in the car and cry i talk to the animals and wish i could be them and cry..people really think i got it easy cause i have no kids and i really don’t people just don’t understand i wish i had kids it would be me and my kids and i would be happy with that just let it be me and my kids and leave me alone!!!

[bobsie]

One is enough

Part nineteen: messed up

it was hard to focus in class not only because the professor was rambling about something you lost interest in for an hour and half but also because you had trouble sleeping after the time you spent with Asahi

The beating of your heart only sped up everytime you looked at the pictures or the plushie he won for you recalling every moment, every touch, every laugh and every smile which lead to you sleeping at three am and waking up four hours after and going late to class

But it didn't matter to you

Being late or not sleeping well or sitting at the back of the hall squinting your eyes to catch a word on the bored didn't matter to you

The only thing that matters to you now is confessing to Asahi without feeling embarrassed about turning him down before

And getting this clear too because he deserves to know why

Your anxiety made your heart beat faster to the idea of confessing to Asahi not from excitement but from fear

Fear of rejection, fear of being let down, fear of not being enough for him

Your friends' words played in your mind

You shook your head a little bit aggressively to get all the negative ideas out of your head

while you were deep in thoughts the class dismissed and students were crowding the exit door to leave as fast as possible

You gathered your stuff eager to leave as well when you spotted your friends walking out so you called them but they kept on walking you assumed they didn't hear you so walked as fast as you can to catch them and stopped them from walking

"hey i was calling for you but you probably didn't hear"

"oh no we heard you but we didn't want to answer"

"you didn't want to answer?"

"yeah because we're still mad at you"

"what? You can't be serious now"

"we saw your tweets you were ignoring us and having fun dates"

"i wasn't ignoring you, no one talked in the group chat and i needed some time alone"

"alone with him?"

"what does Azumane san have to do with all this why did you all act so weird when he came into my life? Are you jealous or something? Do you really think I don't deserve him"

"y/n what if i told you i like azumane san will you let him go for me?"

"what are you talking about? Have you even talk to him? Do you even know anything about him"

"so you won't let him go for me, what a true friend you are i told y'all they won't care for us anymore"

"are you being serious now!! You're all the ones who act like assholes why am i not allowed to date or be with anyone, why do you think it's ok for you to say all this shit to me right now why do you hate me so much and still be friends with me?"

"hate you! You're the one who hates us y/n"

"oh really so do I always exclude you from plans or going outs or do i always ignore whatever you say or do i take all the pavement letting you walk behind without anyone to walk with or am i the one who said that you don't deserve someone who actually turns out to care for me more than the four of you ever did,

Maybe you're right maybe i hate you for making me feel so shit about myself everyday don't talk to me again"

You walked away from the three tears streaming down your face while struggling to take a breath you went to the bathroom and locked yourself in trying to control your breath you found yourself unlocking your phone and calling the one who will listen to you

"Azumane san I think I messed up"

Cliffhanger ooooo, this was sad to write :(

but worry not asahi is here for the rescue

Reblogs are appreciated

Comment or send an ask to be put in the taglist

One is enough masterlist

Taglist: @chickentenderx @iloveyouasmuchaspoohloveshoney @screamin-abt-haikyuu @theoriginaleclipse @tatiquichi @idkwtftitbh @duckymcdoorknob @asahipleaseloveme @namyari

[thisdreamplace]

Im sad nd m feeling hopeless byond woeds. i feel directionless , alone nd..... very upset about everything in my life

Like yesterday i tried to talk to my mum abt somethng that was bothering me nd instead, she gets so much madder like she has high bp and her bp went up from yelling the crud outa me, like the only explanation other than eiyoo is she got defensive nd felt i was being ungrateful, i mean everyone else in the family stays silent and dont step forward i feel abandoned sometimes like maybe they're secretly glad shes not mad at them? Im sick of feeling this way. Idk if u know this feeling? Im not talking abt her my mum but i mean abt life in general? One real reason my mum is harsh is cuz im not doing well in life, like im not going places i want to (not literal places like metaphoricaly) bcuz of fear and social anxiety that no one ariynd me has a teeny idea of what its like. So im aware that she wants the best for me cuz i understand the everyone is u cincepf a bit. Even then its been years of same things nd issues repeating with me. For example m feeling like im gonna crack one day and when i break forever i don't even want to pick up my pieces!

Im so happy to hear ur doing wonderfully. Nd a part of me felt angry at it for a short while lol honestly like how come things are effortlesly going for u as u say, why cant i how can i experience it too, even tho my inner place is a nightmare place 😆 not a dreamplace like urs. I actually lov ur blog nd you lol dont mind me im just throwing out my thoughts, nd I fully understand how things weren't easy for u in the beginning nd everything u say on ur blog. Wish i could be brave nd not in my mind only

💀 nightmare place

i feel sad that you feel so down because life seems like its against you and you're feeling hopeless. its truly the worst to be in that sort of mindset, and i truly know you can find your way out of it. i'm glad you felt safe throwing out your thoughts here.

the truth of the matter is... the law can be difficult in the way that you really have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself. you really have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. you really have to be the one to pick yourself up and say, "enough is enough, i cant live like this anymore — i have to do better for myself." the truth is you have to want it more than you want to stay in your comfort zone. because if you dont, your comfort zone will always be waiting to invite you back in. and you will always answer the call. i would know, i lived like that most of my life. because the old way of life is comforting, its what youve always known so it makes more sense to you. you rationalize it, "this is the way things have always been." well guess what. it doesnt have to be that way. but i cant make you change your mind. only you can take that leap of faith.

you have to be willing to change before anyone and anything else does. no more waiting for life to treat you better so that you can finally feel good, you have to feel better with or without the help of the 3D.

when you say it made you angry to see how i'm doing well, i understand. i used to be similar. success stories were bittersweet. i felt happy for the person, but upset that i couldnt relate. why was everyone else able to make the law work in weeks and yet it had been months for me, and things just didnt seem to work ? why me ? that's the way i used to think.

well one day you'll look back at this type of moment and it'll all make sense. you seriously cannot keep being the same person, thinking the same thoughts and same feelings you have for years, thinking you'll get a new result. it's the opposite of what the law teaches us to be true. you've got to change and i mean really change. you must let the old story die and let the new story become your life, entirely.

you can brush off my struggle easily, but realize this. everyday i wake up and make the conscious decision to wake up and have a beautiful experience. a month ago i literally hit rock bottom; everything in the 3D i cared about so much seemed to fall apart. and i had to face that and still find the strength to say, "you know what, fuck this — i can't keep living this way." without the help of the 3D i had to pick myself up everyday, even when i felt like crumbling. i had more than my fair share of crying all day, of feeling like my heart would literally come out because of how hard i cried. considering that maybe life isnt for me after all, and perhaps i would be better off ending it there. i didnt have anything in the external world to give me hope. i had to find hope within myself. i had to look at a world that made me feel so ugly and decide its actually a beautiful world, despite the illusion. i had to take the law seriously, i had to surrender to the teachings, i had to make the art of imagining a daily practice because i decided i deserve better. and only i can give that to myself. the world cannot provide me with anything i refuse to provide myself with — this is the basics of the law. and through persistence, through not giving up on myself on the hard days, i am now singing a much more beautiful song.

when you fully accept that 1) imagining creates reality and 2) you are the only cause for all you experience... it becomes difficult to not take this more seriously. because you know how whatever you are/have within, is your experience. but you have to surrender to those truths, its up to you. i'd recommend listening to the podcast 'feeling twisty' if you're interested in what i'm saying here. mike is really the one who's explanation of the law helped me learn the importance of taking responsibility for my inner world.

im rooting for you sweet, dream place. behind the illusion of the nightmare, a dream awaits. 💖

[coldpeachsoju]

*silently chanting* part 3...! part 3...! part 3...! (Translation: part 2 of attached was so good! Please make part 3!)

oh ya’ll gonna hate me for this one

this is not…soft n happy….bc i remembered eustass kid is not a nice man…..but someone did send in an interesting prompt abt the series which i’ll write the alternative ending for 👀 previous part is here

warning: angst, heartbreak (dw i said i’m writing a fluffy alt version bc i made myself sad 😔)

Attached (Final) | Eustass Kid

Something has been gnawing away at Kid recently. He’s been avoiding your affection lately, your calls are left unanswered and unreturned, and there’s a storm brewing behind those eyes you loved so much. You figure it might be him still adjusting to the loss of his arm and the painful defeat that he was now reminded of everyday. He shrugs you off, telling you not to worry about it as always, and you give up on trying to see what’s wrong before heading to bed.

Kid lays beneath you that night, staring up blankly at the ceiling. This whirlwind romance completely threw him for a loop, and he didn’t expect himself of all people to fall so hard. The sound of your steady, soft snores as you sleep usually puts him at ease, but it’s only stressing him out further tonight. An uneasy feeling settles within him as he reflects on everything that’s happened and how he’d proceed with it.

He thinks about leaving and never coming back, never contacting you again and cutting you off with nothing said. But he knows you’ll miss him dearly and wait up for him like you always did. He still can’t fathom why you would, he’s a pirate, you’ve nothing to do with his life, you just walked in and opened up your heart to him. You’ve given him comfort, warmth, something to look forward to. He’s hurt you and a countless amount of people by doing what he’s done best for most of his life now.

The captain subconsciously looks towards the remainder of his arm and scowls. He’s fine with rolling with the punches, coming out scarred yet victorious, losing a limb if he has to, but that’s nothing compared to what would happen if anyone dared to lay a hand on you. You’re his weakness. He couldn’t risk you. It was time to let you go. He pulls you closer to him with the arm wrapped around your waist, taking a moment to savor the feeling of your body against his one last time. He dreads waking up and breaking your heart tomorrow. 

The next morning, the tension in the air is thick. Ever since the two of you woke up, Kid seems so out of it, he has something to say, but won’t come out with it. It’s concerning you deeply, with the lack of sleep noticeable underneath his eyes along with his unreadable expression. You offer to make him some breakfast before he goes, but he stops you immediately and says he’s leaving. Confused, you stare at him as he makes his way to the front door and your heart stops at the hardened look he shoots in your direction.

“I’m a fucking criminal,” he’s surprised his voice holds steady as he swallows all his hesitation, “you shouldn’t be with me.”

“I know what I signed up for.” you hold your ground with determination, wondering why he’s going off all of a sudden. “Kid, what’s going on?” you ask, body filling up with more concern as he stands rigid by the door.

“I’m leaving! Don’t bother with me-far as I know you could be setting me up, trapping me to collect that bounty!” he growls, scowling at your crestfallen form. You both know that’s not true-but Kid has no other excuses and was dead set on destroying the bond between you two. 

You take a step back, aghast in surprise as your brows furrow at his accusation. “I would’ve done that long ago if I wanted too!” you retort, finally gathering your words and putting your foot down. 

“And have you ever considered that I might be using you?!” Kid keeps rambling on, despite any rebuttals you might have, wanting to make you him your enemy, “That I haven’t been fucking around on other islands?!” He sees the panic in your eyes as you struggle to form a response. He’s hating every moment and he can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now.

You’re desperately trying to figure out what prompted this as anger bubbles in your chest at his implications. “I know you haven’t. That’s a lie.” you hiss out, ignoring the fact that those thoughts had actually crossed your mind at some point in your relationship. You’d shake them off though, knowing that in the end, you were one of the only ones who saw the softer sides of Eustass Kid. The pirate confided in you in a way reserved only for the two of you. “I trust you, don’t you trust me?!”

“Maybe I don’t, who knows what you do while I’m gone?!” he roars, mentally cursing you for making this so difficult, “I’m not here all the time!” Kid could step out any minute and leave, and never come back, but he wants to make sure you don’t look or wait up for him. 

His outrageous claims keep leaving you stunned and left at a loss for words.

“Then take me on your crew! Kid, I can get stronger-I promise,” you try reasoning with him, the tears building up in the corner of your eyes as his back faces you. He spares you a single glance over his shoulder, his amber eyes burning with a ferocity you had never seen from him before. “We can do this.” you reassure him with a shaky voice.

He turns forward, “I can’t.”

It takes every inch of Kid’s power not to turn around and be met with your broken expression, tears pouring down your face as your heart shattered. He knows if he turns around, he won’t be strong enough to resist the urge of pulling you into a comforting embrace and apologize for everything. He clenches his fist and grits his teeth, forcing himself to move forward, the sound of his heavy boots with each step hammering down on your already weary heart.

You’re too stunned to say a single word, left sobbing as the man who had managed to sweep you off your feet-someone you sacrificed everything for-leave, unable to even call out his name. You’re left on your knees, head swirling with anger, sadness, confusion, and fear. The light leaves your eyes, and becomes filled with frustration and hatred as you shakily rise from the floor. With everything in your heart, you choke back on your tears, and call out to him with every ounce of strength you have, “FUCK YOU, EUSTASS!”

Kid ignores the sound of your screams, powering on as he heads towards his ship, ready to leave the island for the final time. Hearing those words though makes him feel like he’s done a proper job. No more loose ends. He tells himself it’s for the best. He’d rather you live with hatred towards him and don’t spare him a second thought than to have you worry and suffer. Regret settles in the pit of his stomach but he pushes himself forward.

Weeks later, Kid hears some things he wished he hadn’t. He’s alone in a dingy bar somewhere in the New World and his domineering presence isn’t enough to stop any of the whispers other patrons exchange when they see him. People lived on gossip, it couldn’t be helped. His ears pick up news that the Marines recently made an arrest on Sabaody-someone they believed to be Kid’s lover. The redhead says nothing, face painted with his usual grimace as the bartender passes him a pint. He downs the alcohol, drowning out the chatter around him and hopes to numb the pain with the liquid currently burning down his throat.

The sound of your name coming out of some stranger’s mouth is ultimately what sends him. He slams the mug down with a harsh thud, pushes himself out of his seat, and growls out loud for everyone to hear, “You’re full of shit!”. Various weapons and scraps of metal start to fly and collect towards his mechanical arm, causing everyone in the bar to fall into panic and fear as they rush for the doors, clamoring as they attempt to escape his wrath.

Eustass Kid is a heartless pirate, leaving a trail of devastation wherever he went.

[gh0stly-d0tty]

im sorry

im sorry im sorry for everything i mess up everything i just wanna make everyone happy but i cant ever do that im sorry i piss every1 off every1 would be happier without me my brother is right abt the insults even if their jus out of anger i feel so s t u p id lately and like all i do is mes upi feel like no one understands or listens anymore i am in need of constant validation and i hate it why cant i jus let myself live i cant keep living with this feeling i wanna be happy all the time not just for a few seconds of my life im sorry i didnt live up to every1s standards i did try my best im just so sick and tired of waking up every day and having the same emptiness in my head i feel like im in constant darkness with no way out i will forever wonder if i truly made anyone happy people can SAY you make them happy but are they truly happy or is it all just for show its 4:30AM on may 26th how have i made it this long i will be 13 soon 13 i have been doing this bullshit for 13 years i dont understand how im still here and how ive kept going but i cant anymore i am in constant pain and misery and i just want it to stop all dad ever does is not trust me or make me feel like i mess up my brother makes me feel stupid a lot like i know every1 says now how nice he is but he hurts me a lot and ive grown up with it and no one has ever done anything everyday was a cry for help when he would put me down and make me feel shitmy brother but everyone would just say hands 2 urself as if that would help my brother doesnt hit me that much sure but he still says a lot of hurtful stuff every1 always says to just move on from it but i cant i hurts too muchit hurts knowing my own brother would ever think or say any of those things every1 ends up leaving me at some point and im now convinced im the problem and i just want a friend who will for once not leave me 

every girl i meet who i have anything in common with ends up hating me or we drift and every guy ends up being either an ass or dad becomes suspicious i just want a person to not leave me for once i literally hate myself so much i hate my body its so wide and gross and every1 always says its fine but its not its disgusting im always on my phone and in my room because no one besides my friends really listen or understand the only fun things i do anymore are listen to ayesha erotica, look at clothes, watch bratz, or talk to ket and my boyfriend

my boyfriend and ket are the only ones i know who truly seem to care anymore other than that i feel like no one would notice if i died or anything i cant ever actually go through with suicide because im too much of a fucking pussy why cant i just grow tf up and stop being sad all the fuking time its so annoying and tiring i just want all the pain to stop

[bugband]

ooo i'd love to hear abt john's primal scream therapy. spill!

oo hello! there's a lot of tea to spill so i'll do my best to not sound like a babbling idiot. i'm also so surprised at how obscure this period truly is. thinking of that is strange because due to john being an extremely public figure you wouldn't expect many parts of his life to be very obscure at all. before i continue, trigger warnings are included. depression, alcoholism and overall dark themes are mentioned but not too heavily. (i changed my usual aesthetic which is lowercase letters to make looking at this more pleasing to the eyes)

This is gonna be a long one. 

What is primal scream therapy?

 At the time of John’s time in primal therapy, it’d been a new concept developed by Arthur Janov. One of the two subjects that interested John would be his book “The Primal Scream” published in 1970. John was said to have gulped the whole book down in a full sitting. The concept of primal scream therapy is difficult to understand or to even describe for another to fully comprehend what’s being told to them unless one has actually been in the therapy itself (as a person who hasn’t participated in it myself lol it’s difficult to explain). The concept of this particular therapy is to explore and relive your past painful, traumatizing experiences and to realize your own pain. It’s a very upfront way to experience your pain and in a way it could help raise an understanding as to where the pain comes from. In a very half-assed way of explaining it; you cry, you talk and scream in a way that’s referred to as a “primal” as a way to help released bottled up emotions. 

"Well, his thing is to feel the pain that's accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. I had to do it to really kill off all the religious myths. In the therapy you really feel every painful moment of your life -- it's excruciating, you are forced to realise that your pain, the kind that makes you wake up afraid with your heart pounding, is really yours and not the result of somebody up in the sky. It's the result of your parents and your environment…

As I realised this it all started to fall into place. This therapy forced me to have done with all the God shit...... Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it...... [It's] facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven….

"The therapy is like a very slow acid trip which happens naturally in your body. It is hard to talk about, you know, because you feel 'I am pain' and it sounds sort of arbitrary, but pain to me now has a different meaning because of having physically felt all these extraordinary repressions. It was like taking gloves off, and feeling your own skin for the first time. - John  

  John said it the best out of anybody. It’s known as a very controversial thing, this therapy, because it forces you to relive things many people who seek therapy don’t wish to experience again as they possibly tried to block certain past events out and was seen by many as an unjust form of therapy. 

Why was John there?

  John’s reason was primarily his childhood. While his childhood could be discussed in a different place as it’s own lengthy topic, he’d always had a difficult time dealing with the things that had happened in his life. His own form of therapy was numbing; through alcohol and drugs, stimulants to help numb himself and the world around him to current situations he couldn’t handle. John had available outlets to unleash his feelings of hurt and sadness such as Cynthia, but there was a force within himself to keep such feelings to himself. He had a guard built up around himself that he used to protect himself from outside forces such as exposing his inner feelings. This would be his “tough” attitude and aura that he used to not give himself away. The facade. He saw exposure as making him weak. The only times his state of mind or true feelings came out was through anger or destructiveness and through his personal favorite outlet: music. 

"Art is only a way of expressing pain. I mean the reason Yoko does such far out stuff is that it's a far out kind of pain she went through." - John  

  John had gone through much, simply. His uncle’s death- the man who pretty much was John’s surrogate father emotionally and physically-, his mother- and then Stu- all separated by a few years. More people in his life went than an average person would experience in a lifetime. All ripped John apart. John wanted to find out how to live with his own pain and depression and he sought out to this therapy. The main appeal was to unleash so much he’d bottled up, things that were capable of literally driving him mad.

The theory made sense to John. He'd been hurt in his childhood by the rejection of his father and the removal from his mother's care, and his character had been formed by this pain. In order to survive he had to ignore his feelings and live by the code of behavior authorized by his Aunt Mimi. He learned that to act on his feelings was not socially acceptable, and he therefore suppressed them. They would rise to the surface only when he was angry or drunk. The moments in his songwriting that he'd always been most proud of were those when he'd let his feelings dominate-"In My Life," "Help," "Strawberry Fields Forever."

(I didn’t get too detailed with his childhood as that is a conversation of it’s own)

What were the sessions like?

  After reading Janov’s book, John was completely enthralled. While John was living in Tittenhurst, he managed to contact Janov with the interest of participating in the therapy with a few problems standing in their way:

Locations.

  Janov and his therapy was American based. John’d been residing in England at that time meaning either or would have to leave their countries to start the therapy. John’s rights to visit the country hadn’t been great therefore making it difficult for him to leave England. Janov couldn’t leave his patients behind for an extended amount of time. However, that’s what he ended up doing to treat John.

Tittenhurst had a studio being built inside the home (which we saw in completion in 1971). This made upcoming sessions difficult for both Janov and John to focus completely in the therapy.

   The sessions started in April of 1970. Janov soon landed at John’s home and John’s condition at that time even shocked him- a man who’d been confronted with broken people everyday of his life.  

 “When he arrived, Janov was shocked to see John's condition. It was as if he had been through a complete nervous breakdown. He had ended up locking himself in. "He couldn't get out of his house," says Janov. "He couldn't get out of his room. He was in very bad shape. He'd had a lifetime of pain. The drugs he was taking didn't do him much good because they opened him up. After a while his defenses just crumbled. He couldn't function anymore."

"I've rarely seen pain like John's, and I've seen a lot of pain," says Janov. "It was mostly about his mother but quite a bit about Brian (Epstein) that I can't talk about. Also his relationship with Mimi. Mimi had been tough on him, There was almost more pain than you could possibly imagine. It would put him on the floor, and he'd lay there writhing around. He would scream, but he told me that he hadn't known how to scream. Yoko had had to teach him.”  - Janov

It’s a heartbreaking description really. John was severely depressed.

  The therapy sessions continued in LA after April. Janov prompted John to a different hotel than Yoko’s on top of the sessions where they’d be separated and alone many times. As the therapy was still developing, John had been one of the first patients of primal therapy and his sessions were actually quite innovative for the research that went into developing the therapy after him. They’d been videotaped, under John’s reluctant agreement. However, depending on who you might be, it might be disappointing or good that these tapes will never be revealed to the public for confidential reasons. Sadly I cannot go into deep detail about the conversations inside the sessions themselves as those haven’t- and wont,- be revealed due to John’s privacy. However, Janov has spoken generally about what was discussed. We do know for sure that John’s mom Julia was a frequent topic when discussing his childhood. Religion came up on occasions. This is the part where things unfortunately become vague.

 + More about the surroundings here 

When asked about how the therapy was for him, John said this:

 “Part of it was not to self-control yourself, in any way. That included anything so I would just eat and eat and eat. And it was all very well for the mind, but for the body it was terrible. But the idea was, “Well, I am an artist, not a model, so fuck it. I wonder who I try to please .. . ? It was me I was trying to please, I found out; too late, after I’d got about 5 million pounds. And I wore the same clothes for two years. I had two things: a jumpsuit — not a fashionable one; one you get to do the plumbing in. I had two of them. And that’s all I wore for almost two years. In the middle of the Chanuk thing I got fat as hell. I was living on chocolate and Dr. Pepper … I mean, Chanuk was an idiot, but he was not bad. His therapy was good. It was just he was a pain in the neck. So I got big, and I wore the same clothes … I got used to it. I didn’t feel terrible about it, but I didn’t enjoy it. I was a slob.” - John 

  John was always his own harshest critic. He was more self deprecating than insightful to the therapy sessions themselves here.

  Overall, John screamed, John cried, and he felt a great weight come off his shoulders- after a long, long time.

   He’d spent months in therapy but because of John’s immigration, not John’s decision to suddenly leave, forced the therapy to halt. In Janov’s words, they’d opened him up but weren’t able to put him back together again. The therapy was not meant to completely cure John or to “fix” him in any way but the therapy was not meant to be abruptly cut off. 

  John’s first album Plastic Ono Band (which is commonly deemed as his greatest solo work or even one of the greatest albums of all time) was the product of these sessions. John transferred discussions from the therapy to this album as well as aspects of his childhood that make it uncannily like an autobiography where John says “Hi, I’m John Lennon. This is my story.”

(John in the early months of 1971. Photos of him during those summer-fall months of the therapy sessions are hard to come by, if they happen to exist)

well! that does it. apologies for making this answer novel-length but hopefully i didn’t sound like a babbling idiot. 

[peachnymphuniverse]

little things i love/love to do -smell my fingers after peeling an orange -sit on my roof late at night  -playing uke under the porch while it rains  -opening my windows when it’s chilly and bundle up  -slide around in fuzzy socks while my dog chases me -paint my nails and take it off around ten minutes later  -when my ukulele strings leave dents in my newly painted nails  -listen to my broken record player so that the song registers in my head as a little off key  -journal about people’s smiles  -in airports i walk around and smile at everyone and get sad if they don’t smile in response (sometimes i double back and repeat the process until they do) -talk to people i’ve just met in the way i wish i did to the people i’ve known  -make cookies and dance in the kitchen  -close my eyes and guess what flavor jelly bean i get -buy razzles and read in the merc  -new sheets  -freshly cleaned hair  -playing with short (relatively guy) hair  -making tea after a rough day  -nailing a song first try  -sweaters from thrift stores  -the feeling when a stranger is nice to me  -cheeks hurting from laughing so hard  -sporadic adrenaline and finally doing the thing -almond milk over ice -this one gray and pink plate my mom got  -mismatching soft patterns on my bed  -cuddles with pets (or humans on a good day) -the warmth that occurs when someone calls me beautiful  -shiny hair  -writing a good song that makes you feel something  -piling blankets and pillows in a corner and reading  -my mom asking me if i’m happy everyday (and legitimately caring about the answer)  -any type of garnier hair product (smells hella good) -the use of the word heck in any context  -flowers and flower tattoos  -when my sister compliments me (its like the highest form of praise in my life) -the temperature tea is at when it’s hot enough to warm your whole body but not too hot that it burns  -tea that has too much honey  -hummingbirds in general  -my dads laugh  -seeing people kiss (not in a creepy way i just really enjoy love) -guys in sweaters and pastel colors  -incense from rockin rudy’s  -new pj’s -my cat  -the sting of hot showers  -speaking native languages  -people who take random pictures of me  -kale salad -dresses that make me look coot -the smell of burning paper -hugs  -soup -people who give me their hoodies  -making jokes during movies  -folded chips -the farmers market when it rains  -people with warm hands  -people with cold hands  -people (ik i say otherwise but people are actually v wonderful sometimes)  -cinnamon on hot cocoa  -finding a song that relates to your life  -stars  -blue eyes  -baths with music and tea  -wearing my stepdads sweaters  -making a really nice house in sims  -nice teachers @franzen @elder  -people with nice eyebrows #envy -buying people coffee  -going downtown alone for a few hours and not talking while reading or drinking tea  -airports  -beaches (the smell mostly)  -vanilla perfume  -waking up when the blankets are still perfectly in place  -when i’m wearing shorts and my warm kitty curls up on my bare legs  -layers (button down, sweater, jean jacket) -pretzels with peanut butter  -yellow  -new socks  -citrus smelling stuff  -dark chocolate  -old cameras  -rose and mint flavored lip balm -tiger lilies and sunflowers  -when my hair is damp and my head gets it warm -rupi kaur -new watercolors  -thrift store vinyls  -mike and eleven  -knee high socks -overalls  -big flannels + jean jackets -popcorn with chulula  -drive around in my moms convertible  -japanese cherry blossoms  -going to the library with @anna everyday -finding a new song and listening to it till you know each word -rain (the smell) -crunching leaves  -the stars at 2am -using my kitty as a pillow when she’s curled up  -playing the piano (badly) -white curtains -photo booths  -nice handwriting  -earrings  -being under a bunch of blankets  -pretty journal pages  -hugs when it’s cold out  -ink drawings  -making my bed -the fact that my favorite band has a song called hannah -genuine laughs and smiles  -warm soup on cold days  -new jackets  -thick socks  -when it’s cold outside but you have a v good coat and ur all toasty and happy  -soft blankets  -finishing homework early  -fetal position+big sweaters+floor=happy hannah -making up chords on the uke and giving them names like bartholomew and furghi -remembering inside jokes from forever ago and laughing  -laughing so hard you’re incapable of breathing  -belting theatre music when home alone  -suppa warm bagels  -chess w/ tea and mi madre  -making spotify playlists for every mood  -pretty journals  -yellow -knowing little quirks about my friends -asking little questions back and forth with someone i care about  -freckles  -boys eyelashes  -hiking alone  -my soft doggy  -post-it note quotes  -edamame beans with a lil salt at 3 am  -my new mattress (praise the lawd) -getting stuff in the mail  -the people who actually read all of these lmao -long hair (rly missing mine rn)  -big shirts w no pants  -people who have specific smells ex. cotton, lemons, lavender, cinnamon -hugging tall people  -watching the previews before the movie  -messy scribbly handwriting (i think really good handwriting is lacking in character)  -this one picture of my dad from the eighties  -sweet potatoes  -people who use the word beautiful instead of hot  -spoken poetry  -asking boys what their favorite flower is (odds are they actually have one)  -waking up on sundays and making myself breakfast  -being hydrated: drink water kids  -almond milk w a bit of nutmeg + cinnamon  -mixing different teas (i’ve concluded that mandarin orange + ginger is v good) -knowing you somehow made someone’s day better -people who play with my hair -picture books with good plots  -sparkling apple cider  -asmr (lol don’t judge me) -realizing the other day that i am pretty, and if you don’t think so, that’s ok.  -popping popcorn perfectly (ur welcome for the alliteration) -waking up ten minutes before your alarm  -elevators arriving right as you push the button  -warm winter days, today was v nice  -powder blue shirts  -hearing a song from ages ago and realizing that you know every word -plugging your phone in at 1% -the amount of hugs i get every day  -cuddles  -painting myself or people -when a boring class is over @science  -watching a movie after thinking about it for a while  -packing for a plane ride  -new ringtones  -going to the merc and getting the last muffin there  -holding hands with people in a platonic way  -hugs from behind  -comfort food (ex. brown rice and tofu w spinach)  -crème brulèe -driving at night or in the rain  -the way it feels when this certain person says my name -soft hands + long fingers  -mild weather -putting my hand out of the car when it’s chilly  -nail-polish that peels off in one piece  -messy/curly hair  -new pj’s  -hugs that last a while  -giving birthday presents  -calling my cat bean  -“hannah bee” (nickname from my mam)  -cinnamon gum  -noice cancelling headphones  -calling people by their full names  -stiles stilinski falling  -new soap  -brown eyes  -long eyelashes  -soft breathing  -bronze  -swearing but not actually swearing (heck, darn) -fetal position anywhere  -being hydrated  -nose highlight -small stuffed animals  -chocolate milk w straws  -my sister  -having paint left on my hands  -light gray shirts on people  -pillow forts -highways at night  -bumper stickers  -drinking sparkling apple cider out of wine glasses  -when my room is hot + i put my hand on a cold wall -hearing my cat purr  -catching people looking at me and just smiling at them  -hugs that nearly make me fall over  -or that squeeze so tight you have to readjust your footing -new pads of paper -dropping a toxic person/thing and feeling weightless -my new room -shopping w my sister  -eating hot dogs in target w my sister  -friends who ask if you’re ok randomly  -when lil asks how my day went  -singing fallout boy/ed sheeran/bad rap w reya -chocolate cake  -washi tape + journals  -kicking a ball really hard to relive stress  -p4 spanish  -hearing nice things people say abt me -having a messily clean room (w a few things scattered around)  -walking around downtown w tea and friends  -hot pockets (new discovery for me circa monday)  -cracking my neck, knuckles, back -having a heater in my room and always being warm -taking my hair down when it’s still a lil damp and being able to smell shampoo  -a teal 1987 ford bronco in my neighborhood -slow orchestra music  -piano solos  -watching mystery movies and figuring it out before the people do  -subtitles  -protective friends  -today being the first day i haven’t felt spaced out in years  -old book smell  -rain-soaked hair -resting my head on someone’s warm chest or arms  -the acoustic versions of songs i like  -the three people who i’m ok w calling me banana  -how i don’t swear unintentionally anymore  -21 questions  -sleeping at school  -cutting pancakes into triangles  -jim and pam  -jelly beans  -perfect pancakes -tucking my cat into the crook of my stomach  -the office  -empty movie theaters  -coke zero w a straw -the smol boy me and kenzie became friends with  -my package came today -the way my mom sings to her houseplants  -being tickled  -sofffftttt kitty pawssss -sleeping in really late cause i normally wake up early  -golden milk -lullabies  -granola w yogurt + maple syrup + cinnamon -sleeping on the ground in my moms office -big sweaters tucked into jeans  -mad-libs  -collaging -thin sweatshirts  -drinking soup out of mugs  -small straws  -target hot dogs

[chocosvt]

❝ 92 statements tag ❞

i was tagged by jeonghan’s amazing gf @jeonghney for the 92 statement’s tag. thnk u my gold rose petal.

rules: answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people ! if there are questions that are too personal or you don’t want to answer, skip them or make a new one :^)

THE LAST (1-5):

drink: h2o

phone call: oh gosh, i can hardly remember. pizza pizza? who doesn’t deliver so thnks for soiling my day.

text: to a group chat.

song you listened to: exo - touch it bc i appreciate art.

time you cried: lmao like yesterday bc i was watching an emotional ep of hotel hell.

HAVE YOU (6-11):

dated someone twice: nope.

kissed someone and regretted it: i dont think so?

been cheated on: in uno yes.

lost someone special: yep.

been depressed: depression is received at many levels. extremely sad yes, but not depressed.

gotten drunk and thrown up: im the one holding ur hair back.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS (12-14):

pink!!

light purple!!

silver!!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU (15-21):

made new friends: lots irl n online!!

fallen out of love: yes.

laughed until you cried: yes everyday bc i gave myself a laugh n a half.

found out someone was talking about you: nope.

met someone who changed you: i havent met them!!

found out who your friends are: ive been with the same squad for 4 yrs n we’re just chillin.

kissed someone on your facebook list: i have never used fb a day in my life.

GENERAL (22-34):

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ^

do you have any pets: im living with 2 kitties right now!! but ive owned many different animals in the past.

do you want to change your name: she can stay as she is.

what did you do for your last birthday: my friends nd i booked a hotel room!!

what time did you wake up: 11:30am lol.

what were you doing at midnight last night: eating cereal!! every time i stay up past midnight i will eat cereal 2 celebrate all the hours of sleep im wasting.

name something you can’t wait for: to hang out with my bff’s we have not seen each other all summer.

when was the last time you saw your mom: yesterday bc she broke into my room for m&m’s.

what’s one thing you wish you could change in your life: hmm, idk. i’d like 2 be taller bc i cannot reach the popcorn shelf!!! :(

what are you listening to right now: a lot of dua lipa!!

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yup.

most visited website: tumblr / instagram / youtube / twitter

LOST QUESTIONS (35-64):

moles: a few on my arms n a trail tht’s up my shoulder. tht’s abt it

marks: i have a mark on the side of my head but my hair covers it. n one on my knee from when i fuckinj fell down a bridge.

hair color: blonde.

long hair or short: medium length is more fitting.

do you have a crush on someone: i would rather crush on a thumbtack than half the b*ys in my division. there are some nice girls tho!!

what do you like about yourself: some days there are many things!! other days there’s like 2 things. so im not sure!! im just trying my best i guess!!

piercings: two lobe piercings on both ears n im set for an industrial.

blood type: i would know the scientific notation of the distance between earth and sirius b before i knew this.

nickname: i h8 when ppl make nicknames outta my real name so i dont have any.

relationship status: sasuke and i are going on a trip to berlin next fall.

zodiac: aquarius.

pronouns: she/her

favorite tv show: the office / teen wolf / house / american horror story / atlab

tattoos: nope.

right or left hand: right.

surgery: no surgeries.

hair dyed in a different color: ive been a blonde bitch my whole life.

sport: basketball / sleep.

vacation: i just got back from a vacay n it was gr8 i got 10/10 sky pics!!<3

pair of trainers: im rlly obsessed with shoes but ive been wearing the same vans for 5 yrs. (my feet never grow!!)

MORE GENERAL (57-73):

eating: i like eating watermelon, twix bars n marinated ribs!! just fuck me up.

drinking: iced tea n orange juice are my faves.

i’m about to: it’s just past lunch which means it’s time to eat breakfast.

waiting for: some mf’ motivation 2 punch me in the face so i can write some more today!!

want: i rlly want a specialized rice krispie spoon ive been trying for a year!!!! :((

get married: i just dont think ill ever like someone enough 2 wanna live in the same house as them for tht long.

career: an english or bilingual teacher. i wouldnt mind teaching chemistry either.

WHICH IS BETTER (65-73):

hugs or kisses: i rlly dislike physical contact so i would pick neither, but hugs!!

lips or eyes: eyes!!

shorter or taller: it does not matter.

older or younger: older, but i wouldnt mind if they were a few months younger.

nice arms or nice stomach: i have this weird attraction to forearms so. also next time u look at  a junhui pic look at his wrists he has such nice wrists!!! what cream is he using??!?

sensitive or loud: this is so complicated. i rlly dont like loud ppl just bc im easily overwhelmed n agitated with their… over-boisterousness?? nd i will always protec the sensitive ppl n respect their tolerance levels. we just dont mesh well bc ill always worry abt hurting their feelings. u just gotta get someone who knows ur vibe. idk what im saying. i guess loud.

hook up or relationship: relationship.

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker lol.

HAVE YOU EVER (74-83):

kissed a stranger: nope.

drank hard liquor: just picture tht vine of the kid goin “yo, all this vodka down the hatch” then being completely revolted. tht’s me

lost glasses/contact lenses: every day of my life.

turned someone down: yes.

sex in the first date: nope.

broken someone’s heart: yes.

had your heart broken: i rlly try not 2 wallow in those emotions n instead distract myself so not entirely.

been arrested: no but someone called the cops on me n my friend. (it was just a misunderstanding. i swear i wasnt doin a line of cocaine in an alley way or anything like tht tjgnjt4e)

fallen for a friend: yes!!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN (84-89):

yourself: *insert meme of me watching my own back*

miracles: it would be a miracle if junhui grew out his hair. but also chunks ahoy chocolate chip cookies.

love at first sight: not rlly. it’s usually falling for the idea of being with that person, instead of who they actually are as a person.

santa claus: im still waiting for my easy bake oven u jolly piece of shit.

kiss on the first date: maybe a cheek kiss? idk. a little spice is always nice.

angels: yes. who else is up there bowling?

OTHER (90-92):

favorite thing to do when you’re bored: zone off and completely disassociate.

do you wear socks to sleep: ive done it like 3 times. it’s not tht bad.

favorite movies: FLIPPED. captain phillips / my neighbour totoro / napoleon dynamite.

tagging : oh gosh idk (ofc this is optional!!) @jeonghangif / @sukaato / @meanei / @lolitasletters / @jaehyunsleatherpants / @boysbe / @seokshuas / @trbld-writer

[obsxbjoo]

mundorkday heyo

Preferred name:  tbh I’ll respond to any noise you make in my general direction but Inc is totally fine as well !! 
Preferred pronouns:  any ?? any,, 
 Timezone:  MST (UTC -7 or smth) ey -yodels at the top of the Rocky Mountains-

Preferred writing style:
  

hahah is it news that I don’t have a preference ?? tbh I’m super cool with any format, para, sms, dialogue or otherwise !! I actually find it a mote easier to respond to styles that are naturally shorter but thats jus bc I feel like it’s less pressure and I don’t have to fiddle with words for nine billion years pFSFSFSSS but I love em all the same !! just,, might respond faster to shorter ones just because its easier for me haaa 

Preferred writing genre:  

boy I’d love to try anything at least twice hahah //shot exploring different themes is always a treat in my experience ?? wherever the inspiration takes us ! I just believe that putting a muse into different situations can showcase different sides that wouldn’t have otherwise come to light !! does the usually distant or socially awkward muse have a chivalrous streak ? is the quiet one actually good with comforting people ? does the tough one have a way with children ? does the small one LOVE CHEESY GARLIC BREAD CHIPS ?? it’s always a discovery and I think it’s pretty great pFFFS,,, explorinn find the new things I’ll admit tho I’m all for them crack and dank memes


Genres you’re less interested/would rather not partake in:  

as a minor I’m neither interested in nor willing to write smut or excessively sexual content :’> anything else is really fair game !! 


Any other writing preferences?  

ah I guess ?? I usually prefer small text but really it doesn’t matter either way hahaha anything else is pretty Aesthetic but also time consuming so I’m like ?? wow ?? amazing but also ahahah I’m so lazy so um yeah I’m pretty minimal on formatting,, 

Favorite color: 

right but listen here every color is beautiful in its own right like yeah some are drab some are neon some are pale and others aren’t and that is honestly incredible *DEEP BREATH* tl;dr how do you expect me to choose 


Favorite/lucky number: 

uuuhhhhh,,, well idk the number 9 or 1 / 11 appears a lot in my life I guess hahahaha


A song/show/drama you’d recommend: 

a friend of mine would like me to promote Scorpion (cbs) and I’ve seen the first two episodes and it’s pretty great so far ?? either way I’ve peeked into quite a few different corners of music/show/drama tho but at the sam time I know like nonE AHAH,,, tho for real you can get me into pretty much anything ?? I always find something to appreciate pffs


Fill in the blank: “You’re always free to message me about ___!”

yelling ?? idk man for real I’m a huge chatterbox and I always want to talk to people haha !! really feel free to start a conversation with me about like,, most anything tbH,, if it’s a topic I’m not familiar with you should 100000% tell me about it ?? I’d love it :00 ( also we can always just hold a conversation in just screeching I’m down for that also ) 


If you could choose a species in Obscura that you’d like to be, what would it be? Why? 

geeeee all the species r pretty cool ?? tho bein a vampire or a werewolf is to u gh so like I honestly don’t think I could pull it off hAHAHA,,, tbh a beast blooded would be mighty cool !! I’d totally want to be a dragon :‘DDDD


What is your ultimate weakness; what makes you feel all soft and squishy inside? 

um,,, tbh ships ?? and not even just the romantic kind like give me familial ships,, friendships, hateships, platonic ships ???? I’ll just m elt inside hahahaha wow I’m super lame.,, just some kids just having to deal with each other’s existence in their lives is honestly the best,,, angst also makes me cry and hurt forever but I love it 8") 


Write the first thing to come to mind in caps:  

tHATS NOT WHAT THE FROG COLOR IS


Three random facts about you: HAHAHAH whoops I absolutely,,, s UC K at these pFF ok um,, um lessee other than the fact that I’m lame

a pair of magpies were going to build a nest in this smol conifer right up against a window in our house and like ?? yo you could see the beginnings of the twigs getting threaded through there and I was like :000 !!! hype ?? wow they chose this place to be home and I was so ready 2 take pictures of ugly baby dinos I mean cute baby magpies since it’s like I could sit on the arm chair that’s up against the window and I could have full vantage of the lil nest ??? as I was saying, hype !! bUT THEN MY MOM TOOK OUT A FRUIT KNIFE THE ONE WE CUT WATERMELONS WITH AND SAWED OFF THE WHOLE BRANCH AND THREW IT TWIGS AND ALL INTO THE TRASH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHG -sobs softly- im just sorry for the poor magpie pair,,, I’m sorry we wasted all your hard work,,, ( mom’s explanation: this is my house so I’m not going to let them build a home on my home I was here first !! ) tho like I don’t think the magpies moved out tbh I saw the other day they were perched on our tree so ???? I’m just sad I missed out on the great pictures sob it was like a fairy tale ( I tried to talk my mom out of it by saying about how a pair of magpies were considered auspicious n all and I’m disappointed it didn’t work ?? I made a pretty good argument I feel ;v )

right so like last week we had a few slices of raisin bread from T&T ( our local Asian food supplier in the form of a supermarket eyyy ) and I was like,,, wow ??? dude how great would raisin bread french toast be like wOW !!? I’ve never made french toast before and tbh we’re like rice everyday ™ and honestly the inside of our fridge has never seen cheese or cream or pasta ( ok look I know uncooked pasta doesn’t go in the fridge but I was making a point ) and certain other western-type foods are rare guests ( a tragedy rly because I love that stuff ) bUT ANYWAY !! I was thinking about french toast and going,,, woah,,, woah woAH ??? we might actually have all the ingredients ?? we always have eggs, and… oh, half and half…? aw… we don’t have that— oH but you can make it with milk and butter ??? gasp i actually think we have like 1 stick of frozen butter from waaaay back and I’m sure it’s saved there omg this’ll work. we don’t have nutmeg but… I distinctly remember getting vanilla extract and my mom says we have cinnamon ?? I didn’t even know we had cinnamon !! wow this is going to work imma make it for breakfast tomorrow it will be great !! so cue tomorrow, I wake up earlier to get it ready ( lmao since usually I wake up like 5 mins before transit comes and toss stuff into my backpack and leave ) and,,, and it turns out we I overestimated what we had in our fridge aHAHA,,, what I thought was a stick of butter was actually yeast and there was ?? no sugar ?? I could not find sugar,,, we didn’t have milk either and I was v disappointed in myself bUT !! I still made it using soy milk and brown sugar ( it was super hard I was chiseling it with a spoon ) but luckily I did manage to dig out the vanilla extract + the cinnamon was def there, as were the eggs and salt was around. of course, had to use vegetable oil instead of butter to grease the pan as I’d planned but !! it totally turns out great and was a p good success considering a first attempt hahaha,,, topped it with bananas, crumbled walnut and maple syrup and it was great :^)))))) 

ummmmmmmmmmmm wow those turned out long hAHAHA,, uh no other interesting stories are coming to mind right away but like ?? I guess one time when I was a kid we were in Toronto I think and I,,, rushed some pigeons ( like when u try to make people flinch right ?? yeah ) some pigeons that were in a courtyard and like,,, ok so there was a lady eating subway and she was a respectable business lady or smth bUT SO THE FLOCK OF PIGEONS ALL TOOK OFF AND SHE ( understandably ) SPOOKED AND DROPPED HER SUBWAY AND WALKED QUICKLY AWAY AND WOW I FELT SO BAD AAHHAAHAAAaaa,,, either way the pigeons descended on the subway and it was never seen again,,, I still feel rlllyyy bad abt it I’m so sorry for like ruining that woman’s day sobbbbb

ohey and we come full circle aHahah,, one story about birds, another story about food, and then a story about birds and food aahhaahaHAHAA,,, pretty accurate reflection of my life tbh,,, I’m all about birds and food

oH,, oh,, ‘nother story came to mind which involves a rly majestic nosebleed but uh hmmm let’s save that one PSHH

[amazingbees]

long, long list of empath/psychic Aesthetics™

“getting rly fkn attached to the ppl, plots, etc. from ur dreams

waking up & needing 2-3 hours to mourn & emotionally detach urself from ur dream universes

getting occasional feelings from ur twin flame & accidentally mistaking them fr ur own

getting rly rly sad fr no reason walking arnd in the hallways @ school

just in general, getting rly rly sad fr no reason

“ghost, i love u, but im busy rn” 

“ghost, i love u, but can u pls not touch me rn, thanks”

“ghost, i love u, but im talking to someone else rn”

not being able to tell if a sudden vision is a message from a deity/spirit, a flashback from a previous life, or some sorta omen or smth

“ghost, i love u, but can u pls stop clinging to me rn”

talking to ppl who dont believe in spiritual stuff & just, ,,, ,, Y’know.

getting random flashbacks to past dreams & gettin real Bummed Out™

missing ur friends from past lives

wanting to go back to ur past lives

“that reminds me of smth that happened in onea my past lives”

“have we met before”

“i feel like i know u”

having 100% of ur emotions based either on the moon & other astrological things, or other ppl in the room

missing ppl uve never met

feeling Incomplete™ w/o them

“ok who the fuck is feeling arousal in this room rn bc could u pls turn that tf down rn, thanks”

staring directly to the side of someones head bc their aura is rly fun to watch

“fuck, ur aura is so pretty”

seeing shades of pink & red in someones aura & just 🔍👀 

“is that actually physically that color or is it just a Spiritual Color Thing”

going to old places & getting that.... Feeling

touching old objects & getting that....... Feeling

reading old books/saying old prayers & getting that....... Feeling....

being able to physically feel someones personality when u touch them

being able to physically feel someones personality when u hold smth theyve owned fr a long time

“ok this is gonna sound kinda weird, but can i touch the center of ur chest, i wanna feel ur 4th chakra”

only being able to express things & feelings w/ colors, elements, planets, zodiac signs, notes on the piano, textures, patterns, etc.

“porn is so so fake lmao”

hearing someone talk in a foreign language u dont understand but being able to generally get the gist of what theyre saying from their emotions & facial expressions

“so whats (name) like?” “mostly dark blue & purple, the smell of sandalwood & smoke, neptune, black onyx”

“ok but what does that Mean” “:)”

feeling rly spiritually attached to crystals, more than possible w/ other ppl

“this crystal is my bf”

“this deity is my bf”

“this ghost is my bf”

“this planet is my bf”

feeling like ur house is an Ecosystem, w/ all the different energies & ghosts & elementals & other spirits 

“wow, you can talk to angels, really? that’s so amazing!!!!!! i could never imagine!!!!!” yeah thanks i ate a whole bag of flaming hot cheetos w/ my guardian angel last night & we fanboyed together abt my shit interests

“wow, you can talk to spirits, really???? how do you do that!!!!!” just say hi lmao, its not as formal as u think + theyre p much constantly around u so ur prolly already friends, even if u dont know it

projecting just to visit ur astral friends

[towards a group of spirits most likely older than ur great-great-great-great-grandparents] whats up losers 

“bad spirits or demons cant rly hurt u unless u give them the power to”

“u can have astral sex, yknow”

getting a pull from ur astral friends in the middle of smth important

semiprojecting in the middle of a rly boring class

talking to spirits in the middle of a rly boring class

doing energy work in the middle of a rly boring class

“energy work is rly easy! here, i’ll teach u”

^ teaching all ur friends the hand-rubbing technique

making sigils fr ur friends, even if they dont rly know what they r or how to use them

sending ur friends random bursts of positive energy, just bc

sending strangers((esp. those that look like theyre goin somewhere important)) random bursts of positive energy, just bc

“holy fuck ur guardian angel is hot”

lowkey hanging arnd ppl just bc of the spirits that hang around them

flirting with spirits

@ spirits: “would u b comfy w/ giving me a kiss on the cheek??”

@ spirits “u should come over sometime to hang out, i can attach u to my necklace if u want !!” 

just, being rly in love w/ spirits in general

carrying arnd spirits w/ u as u go on w/ ur everyday life

smiling in the middle of class bc u remember a spirit or bc of smth a spirit says to u

feeling a spirit hug u or kiss ur face & just: !!!!!!

sorry ill move on

“i’m rly afraid of ghosts!!! :(” why

“they’re so scary!!!!!” theyre ppl???? they have thoughts & feelings & personalities & some can b bad, sure!! but 90% of them r good & pure & if ur attracting negative spirits, its bc thats the only type ur thinking abt !!!! negative spirits r attracted to negative ppl !!!!!!

mo vI IN g O n

Knowing(tm) in ur Heart(tm) that some ppl dislike u, but still gettin kinda salty when u find this out irl

“this is my friend!!! theyre an amazingly good person whos never done anything wrong!!! i trust them!!!!” ... can u srsly not feel That

gettin Bad Feelings(tm) abt someone, & trying to ignore them

being proved right abt ur Bad Feelings

“i love this celebrity w/ my whole heart!!! theyre so pure & wholesome!!!!” ................................ can u srsly not feel That

knowing beforehand if someones problematic or not

“that person’s aura feels like a trump supporter”

when 2 ppl get together & they look rly happy but u can Feel smth between them that feels unstable

feeling Sadness on someone but not knowing Entirely what its abt

seeing glimses of someones past life

seeing glimses of someones True Face

seeing someones True Face & nothing else, not rly entirely knowing what their actual, physical face is

“i dont mean to freak u out, but u do know abt that negative spirit on ur back rn. right”

occasionally seeing a rly rly scary face in ur minds eye, but trying to flirt w/ the spirit so u can see it on a more level ground

meeting someone else whos Spiritual(tm) & trying to find out abt How Much they know, How Much theyre interested in

“is this an omen”

being rly attached to ur tarot cards

“these cards r my bf”

resting ur tarot cards under a nourishing crystal as a ‘thanks’ fr their hard work

kissing ur card deck

kissing ur crystals

putting positive energy into ur mirrors, ur makeup, ur nail polish, ur jewelry, ur clothes, etc.

ok thats it fr now

i have More, but

i’ll restrain myself

fr Now

[seargantblue]

oh im so happy for u! really glad ur so happy :) hope u dont mind but i kinda wanna know how it all started between u guys and what ur friends think of it (since i guess they knew abt ur 'sexual confusion') and my last question whats the ideal couple in ur opinion? (again im very bored and i dont really have a love life whatsoever and im also very confused thats why im so interested in how u figured it all out i wish i could talk 2 u off anon but im so shy)

aaah u r so nice anon let me love u !! Im still very surprised myself that all this turned out the way it did tbh and I have no idea how I ‘did it’ it just happened. and maybe thats the magic behind all this feeling and love shit: it just happens and u dont rly have a say in all this. this is cheesy and overused, but I dont think u can force love and its still mysterious to me how some ppl just go in a bar and find somebody to talk to and then get together with that person. how do u do that ??? again under a cut bc its quite a long story but im gonna keep it short(yeah…) and thx again for having interest in my life haha! I hope that maybe it helps you or anybody out there who is confused as well!

I know him bc hes a good friend and old classmate of my best friend and she brought them to parties so thats how we met (bc I didnt knew him that well during school time) Its actually not rly that nice of a story bc we did start talking bc two of our friends had a huge fight and we wanted to help/needed someone to talk to, so that was the first time i rly talked to him (we were drunk and holding hands while sharing a wine bottle on the way to a club ((note: I love holding hands when a lill tipsy so that wastn rly anything ‘‘romantic’‘))and from that moment on we started to talk more (mostly via chat) but also when we met at parties, but it still took some time until we met sober for the first time (i actually didnt knew he could talk so much!! i thought hes more of a silent person, a lil bit grumpy even) but we had a nice conversation about italy and art over a few beers (but not rly drunk) and I think I even slept at his place ??? and thats also something we did quite often at the beginning: sleep at each others place bc we both rly like to cuddle. sometimes when rly drunk we would kiss but mostly just cuddle and make up excuses to sleep at each others place

and well that went on a while - going out together, cuddling, sometimes making out - we also started to hang out sober which was !!!! very nice. I didnt realize I had such strong feelings for him back then, bc I was confused and had the usual trouble of not being able to differentiate between “friend feelings” or “love feelings”. Also I never really had my usual crush-feelings for him which confused me more (but in the end made me realize that its way more than a crush). and well I continue to spend a lot of time with him and then did the usual stupid thing I tend to do: i only concentrated on him. And kinda forget my friends on the way which made them get angry at me and then I got angry at them bc I thought they should just be happy that we get along so good and I fucked up bad and said some incredible stupid things to my friends, which I regret very much now. And he also had some drama/troubles going on with friends of his/life so we bonded over that again yeah… not that romantic and it nearly destroyed the friendship to my best friends which made me regret my relationship with him for a while. bc I thought if I hadnt started talking to him, maybe all that shit wouldnt have happened ??? and that made me feel bad bc I didnt want to wish him away u know ?? and thats probably the moment where I realized that I was in for some deep feeling shit and NOPE it wasnt just a ‘friend crush’ lel. I actually tried to ignore this feeling for quite a while bc I didnt want to deal with all that shit, but u cant do that bc feelings are mean and will get u in the end. Well ANYWAY. thats how we met and after a while we started making out sober too (actually the first person I ever kissed while not being very drunk) and all that shit. Over the summer I actually felt terrible bc I didnt want this ‘we r not together but we behave like we r’ situation, but I also couldnt end this whole thing bc yeah- feelings and stuff soooo yeah, I already told the rest in ur other ask (: I think my friends didnt really like all that shit at first bc I put him above them and bc Im an idiot I didnt tell them anything that happened between me and him. some of them asked if we have sex or not and what he thinks abt me not wanting sex, so I told them what I told u in the other ask: not now, maybe some day, idc ;) They r rly supportive btw!! I was a mental wreck when this whole asexual thing started and they helped a lot.aaaah this got really long im so sorry, but this whole thing between us started around april (??) last year so its been quite some stuff going on (but it does sound more dramatic and exciting than it actually was looola perfect couple for me are two (or more if they can make it work tbh) ppl who support each other in all situations. who dont glorify the other person, know their flaws and love them still. I only know I love him bc when he does something stupid or gross or really weird I usually sit there and think “fuck I love this idiot” so yeaaah… kids, thats how u know u love someone: when they can fart on command and u find it funny instead of gross. and well an ideal partner just has to make u feel like u r a wonderful person and u deserve love and u deserve happiness and they try to make u happy and support u!! and they see potential and beautiful things in u, even if u cant see them urself and when they look at u, u still get butterflies in ur stomach. I sometimes still feel like throwing up when Im with him bc its just too much for my lil heart. if u can imagine waking up to them everyday and want to spend nearly every second with them and hate urself for being a cheesy romantic idiot: then u probably found a person u should try and keep as long as possibleTL;DRwe met over a mutual friend, the usual ‘dancing around each other and sometimes making out drunk’ happened, I cant remember when I fell in love but maybe it was from the beginning ???, nothing was planned we just coincidentally crashed in each others lifes and decided to stay,he makes me more happy (and sad) than anything/anyone before