#every time someone call her mom 'mommy' she dies a little inside

[erthlyheavn]

She's gonna KILL that cowboy-

[ladylooch]

Omg dad Nico going with lucie to get a shot

🥺🫣😭

“I’m sorry.” Lexi whispers to Nico with a grimace.

She feels awful. She should be strong enough to go into that room with her daughter, but she dies every time Lucie cries from her shots. Her 2 month shots were awful. Her 4 month shots had Lexi crying the whole drive home. When she got there, Nico told her he would do the next round. At 6 months old, her next round is here and Lexi isn't sure Nico is prepared for the hell.

“I’ve got this, babe.” He assures his wife. “Give kisses.” He encourages his daughter to smooch her mom. Lucie is babbling happily in Nico’s arms as they bring her back. They grab her weight then measure her, noting her new growth in her charts.

“You’re growing so much now, huh Lucie!” The nurse practitioner exclaims.

“Yeah, we gotta stop feeding her.” Nico chuckles, pressing his nose into her dark hair. The baby smell of her assaults his senses. 

“No! You're perfect!” She checks Lucie’s temperature, noting that as well. “Okay, the two shots today are going into her thighs. And she’s in the cutest dress so I think we can keep her clothes on. I’m going to go grab her vaccines and I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you.” Nico smiles, then stands to put Lucie up on the table. “Okay, baby. We are about to do something really awful. I’m gonna say it flat out. It’s going to suck. But that’s life, LuLu. And I’m going to be right here to make it all better when it’s over, okay?” Lucie looks curiously at her dad. He pushes her hair back from her forehead and she closes her eyes joyfully at his warm touch. Nico smiles down at his mini, wondering how he ever lived before her.

A knock sounds and Nico calls the nurse practitioner back in. 

“Dad, how are we with shots and needles?” She asks, setting her station up.

“Good.” He nods confidently.

“Okay, good. I am going to have you stand beside her and hold her. Just keep her leg still and I’ll be quick.” Nico nods.

Lucie looks up expectantly at Nico as the nurse practitioner gets settled. Lucie has her nook crammed into her mouth and kicks out her little legs excitedly. Nico grabs her left one, holding it down as the first shot is administered. Lucie immediately starts to scream. Nico’s heart rips inside his chest and he coughs on a strangled groan. 

“It’s okay, pumpkin.” He leans down, kissing Lucie’s cheeks and forehead. “I know, baby. You’re so brave. One more. Only one more. Then it will be over.” 

“Okay dad, other leg.”

Nico’s hands suddenly shake as he reaches out for her other leg. Lucie wails in his ear, already turning red in frustration and pain. Nico pulls in a trembling breath, then the other shot is in and over. A total of 15 seconds that literally felt like someone shot him in the chest. His legs are wobbly. He swore he was stronger than this, but the distress in Lucie’s tone and her eyes and the betrayal he feels that he had to hold her down. What kind of psychological torture is this!?

“Are you okay?” The nurse asks Nico as she puts two purple bandaids on Lucie’s chunky thighs. He nods but can’t respond. “Good job Lucie… and dad.” She gives him a sympathetic smile. “Be sure to watch for any reactions- hives, fever, vomiting. She was okay with her previous shots, but always good to watch.”

“Thank you.” Nico’s voice is tight as he scoops Lucie back up into his chest. 

“Have a great day!” She cheers as she leaves. Nico can’t help but scowl at the closing door. He rubs Lucie’s back over her tiny dress, tucking her into the crook of his neck. 

“Mommy was right. That is awful.” He murmurs to his daughter, closing his eyes to calm himself down. As he does this, Lucie picks up on the change in him. She begins to settle and quiet, little wet cheeks softening from her previous ordeal. “My brave girl.” He murmurs through a kiss as he walks back into the waiting room. Lexi is anxiously biting at her nail, popping up when they meet her. “That was worse than you described it.” He huffs.

“I know!” Lexi cringes.

“We need to tag team that next time. I can’t do it alone again.”

“Okay. Honestly, it makes me feel better that you need support to.”

“I’ve never heard her make that kind of noise before. I thought my chest was going to cave in.” Lexi frowns, reach for Lucie’s back as she runs a hand along Nico’s hips to get a hug from him. The three of them share a connected moment before they head out to the car. 

Nico puts Lucie in her car seat, adjusting her mirror before he gets in. His head immediately goes to the steering wheel. 

“She’s going to hate me for the rest of her life. Why do they make the parents hold their kids down like that.”

“Well they only have so many hands, honey.” She defends. Lexi rakes her fingers through the side of his long hair. Her hand rests on his neck comfortingly. “She won’t remember.” 

“But I will.” He responds. Lexi closes her eyes, sighing heavily in agreement. 

[walkthevalley]

The sun doesn’t have a right to shine today.

Seventeen years ago, in November of 2006, my dad called home from work at the auto shop and said he had lifted the hood of a Pontiac Sunfire and found a tiny kitten that was badly injured but not gravely.  He said that the guys of the shop took her to a nearby vet hospital and the doctors said this was a feral kitten, barely weaned, and could easily be patched up and live a good long life—only if someone would adopt her.  Too young to spay, she would alternatively be euthanized to prevent adding to the feral cat population.  Dad called home and gave Mom the grown man’s version of “Mommy can we keep it” and Mom’s reply was, “Ask your daughter.  It was her cat that just died six months ago.”  Of course I didn’t want her to die so I agreed that we should adopt her.  We brought her home two days before Christmas, and she has been our Christmas gift ever since.  She was just a Little Bit of a kitten, but she had the heart of a lion.

It was love at first sight.  The vet tech brought in an armload of blankets, sidled up to us, and lifted the corner of the fleece blankie.  Instantly, a pair of giant round lime-green eyes peered up at us, shaking and shivering.  In my heart I knew those eyes would be with me for a long, long time.  The vet taught Mom how to hold and bottle-feed her, burrito’ed in a blanket, until she was healed enough to get around on her own and eat kitten food.  “If she purrs by the second day, she’ll domesticate.”  She purred in Mommy’s arms by the end of the very first day at home.  She grew up healed, healthy, and strong, with only one little scar left from her injured beginnings: her ear was notched.  Otherwise, you’d never know she’d been so terribly hurt.

Little Bit was our protector, our guardian, our watch kitty.  She had rounds she had to make every day, multiple times a day.  She had to check the garage, the house, the office/patio, and the entire acre and a half of grass, shrubs, trees, and garden beds.  At night, she had a post.  The way our house is designed, all the bedrooms are at the back of the house at the end of the hallway, and all the entrances and exits of the house are at the front of the house.  At night, she would plant herself at the front of the hallway so that nothing and nobody could get to her humans without going through her.  In the morning, when Dad got up to go to work, he would let her outside to do her morning outside rounds, and sometime around noon, she’d scratch at the back door so Mom or I could let her in for breakfast, water, and her payment of “candy” cat treats.  Then she’d rest for a while, cuddle with one of us, do another round outside, and come back in at nighttime for cuddles and nightwatch in the hallway.

In her later years, she cut her rounds down to one a day, opting instead to get breakfast with Dad in the morning and spend the rest of the morning cuddling at Mom’s back, which is often in pain.  Occasionally, she’d come in and jump on my bed, especially if I were sick.  But for every round she made, she had to be paid in candy.

Eventually, her outdoor check consisted of her sniffing out the open door for a few moments and coming back inside to keep an eye on the inside of the house and the garage.  As older cats do, she shifted her life to be one of mostly sunbathing and cuddles, occasional mousing, and lots of yummies.  She still kept watch as much as she could, until about a week ago when she suddenly went lame in her back end.  We had thought she had an injury to one leg, but that very quickly turned into full lameness and she had to be carried everywhere.  For a couple of days, she allowed me to hold up her back end while she used her front feet to steer me, and it became obvious that she was insisting on routine.  She led me to the garage for lounge time on the car floor liners, to the litter box for potty, to the office couch for lounging, to the living room for cuddles, and to the back door for sunbathing.  Sometimes she looked longingly at the back door, pawing gently at it, as if begging to go outside.  For about five days out of her final week, I scooped her up in my arms for a walk outside around the property, between the bushes, around the trees.  I set her down in the grass to feel it under her body, and brought her back inside for rest, water, some soft food, and a couple of crunchy candies.  Up to her final day she gobbled up a Delectables slurpy stick from Dad when he got home from work, per their ritual that they’d shared for a couple of years.

At the beginning of her final week, Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” played on repeat in my mind, specifically the line that says, “I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.”  She fought and fought and fought to stay alive that whole final week, insisting on routine, asking for food and water, and fidgeting until Mommy got off work and cuddled her for the rest of the night.  We kept telling her it was okay to let go, but she wouldn’t hear of it.  This cat did nothing that she did not choose to do, and nobody was going to decide anything for her.  She had always been that way and she would not let that change, ever.

Then on Thursday, Elvis Presley’s “Love Me Tender” played in my mind, on repeat, the same line ringing through every moment of my day: “You have made my life complete, and I love you so.”  I knew she was finally accepting that she needed to let go, but it was still hard for her.  Even on her final day, she ate a few bites of soft food and sipped some water.

Two days ago, Friday, August 23, 2024, our Little Bit left her old and frail body of almost eighteen years (about eighty-seven in human years), surrounded by her family, lying in Mommy’s arms.  She began her time with this family in Mommy’s arms, and that is exactly how she concluded it.  It was a privilege and an honor to be there with this pint-sized lion as her strong and indomitable little heart finally beat its last.

And now, I live in a home without a pet for the first time since I was four years old.  For thirty years there has always been a furry family member to comfort, cuddle, and guide me.  Now there’s not, and the bullshit part of this whole thing is that Little Bit was always the first to comfort her sissy when she was crying.

We buried our Little Bit between our bedroom windows, with some candy and special memories in the box with her, and sobbed together over the end of an era in our household.

And now begins life without her.  She was woven into the fabric of our daily lives, and now there is a huge, gaping, tattered hole ripped right through the center of that fabric, and so many threads are missing.  That’s the price of love, I guess.

The name of this tumblr is a reference to the valley of the shadow of death, and death is asked triumphantly in Scripture, “Where is your sting?”  In my heart, God.  That’s where death’s sting is.  Right in my fucking heart.  Additionally, this blog, “This Thing Called Life,” is a Prince reference.  The undercurrent of this blog is the fact that “this thing called life” is often utter and complete bullshit, filled with pain, suffering, and tears.  Today especially, that is true.

I believe—and will not debate—that animals have souls and will be with us in Heaven.  I also believe that they are still around, in spirit form, waiting to show us the way across the Rainbow Bridge.  I believe that when it is your time, your loved ones come to get you.  And I know that for me, when it is my time, Little Bit will be one of my loved ones who come to get me.

And she’d scratch my eyes out if I rushed that process trying to get to her sooner.

[withoutpermissionarchive]

"A Good Dad" by Johnny Baker

What do you want your kids to say about you at your funeral?”

That’s a crazy question, right? Imagine trying to answer it while sitting in your first parenting class — inside a federal prison. I was 23 and the father of two children with another on the way when a judge sentenced me to more than 50 years behind bars for my involvement in a robbery spree. If you take a moment to do the math, you’ll realize that my children could be grandparents by the time I am released.

“Dad” is the most important name I have. After all is said and done, I want my kids to think I was funny, smart and the one they went to for help. A lot of guys in here think that’s impossible. It would be easy to give up and expect someone on the outside to take over and raise my children. But I don’t want my children to go through what I did.

My earliest memory of my parents is of them standing on our front porch, their hands cuffed behind their backs. I was 4 years old. My little brother Donny and I watched through tears from the inside of a police car. Our youngest brother, Derrick, had just passed away. Much later, we would learn that he had died of sudden infant death syndrome. But nobody knew it then. That night, the car took us away and we didn’t see our parents for more than a year.

When we all got back together, things were good until the “big fight”: Donny and I were playing with wooden blocks in our bedroom when we heard Mom screaming. I ran to the living room and found Dad holding her down on the couch. “Get a knife!” she yelled. Without thinking, I dashed toward the kitchen, but Dad slammed me into a wall. I was so scared that I hid under my bed. “Daddy is mad at me and Mommy,” I told Donny as we both cried. I was 6 years old and my family was never whole again.

When I was 9, my two brothers and I moved into a motel with Mom, where she had a job cleaning rooms. One day, she wouldn’t let me into the bathroom. At first, I didn’t know what the bad smell coming from the room was. Eventually, I found a glass pipe in the bathroom trash and an older friend, who sold drugs, told me it was crack.

Soon Mom was disappearing for days or weeks at a time. She would say she was going to get us pizza and not come back. Eventually, the hotel manager got mad and said we had to leave. Instead, I made a deal with him: He’d let us stay if I cleaned rooms, plus he agreed to pay me $1 for each room cleaned. I used that money to buy us food. We ate mac and cheese, mustard sandwiches and cereal. I made sure my younger brothers got to school every day while I worked. I dropped out of school before I even finished middle school.

Because I didn’t have any parental guidance as a child, I vowed that my children would never have to find their way in this world without me. Despite my promise, I made a horrible decision that left them without their dad. I was devastated. Every time I spoke on the phone with my oldest daughter, who was then 5, she asked where I was and when she could come see me. I didn’t know what to say, so I lied and said I was in the Army. But she continued to pepper her mother and me with questions until she was told the truth. During one phone call, she asked, “What were you thinking when you did that bad thing? Don’t you love us?” In that moment, I realized how selfish I had been. I later assured her that my love for them was everlasting, and promised to be honest from that day forward.

I recognized that I didn’t know the first thing about being a father; I’d had my first child at 17 so I enrolled in parenting classes and got a job in the prison’s education department. I figured that if I was surrounded by information, maybe I would start learning. In parenting classes, I discovered that communication is everything. Before I could develop a strong relationship with my kids, the communication had to be there, as well as listening. It’s how I can express my love.

I opened every avenue of communication available — phone, emails, letters. I talk to them every day. In the morning, I email wishing them a wonderful day at school. When they come home, another message is waiting. Each child gets their own 15-minute call to go over schoolwork with me, plus unlimited emails. We also work on personal projects together, sharing drawings and poetry. Expressing ourselves through art has drawn us closer.

Our calls aren’t about only schoolwork. I have given them advice about how to cook a new recipe or create a new hairstyle. We talk about music and even sing a few notes together. Sometimes we are so deep in conversation, we miss the beep warning us that the call is about to be cut off. The phone fees are costly in federal prison, but there is nothing I’d rather spend money on.

I have enormous admiration and respect for my son’s mother, as well as my fiancee, who is raising my daughters in their mother’s absence. Being a single parent is difficult, so I try to bear as much of the weight as I can from here. When my kids have arguments with friends or they are feeling down, they’ll email and ask me to call and talk it out. There are times when my daughters have stepped out of line at school and my fiancee and I coordinate cutting off their Internet access as a consequence. They know we always have a lesson to share with them.

Today, every decision I make involves my children. My life is dedicated to educating them and helping them reach their goals. My daughters are now 14 and 13, and my son is 9. The most valuable gifts that a parent can give are time and a listening ear. I have all the time in the world, and my ear is always here for them. When the day comes for them to speak at my funeral, I hope they’ll say I was the best dad.

[messyworldxx]

Echoes of Memories: Transition of Pandemic Life to New Normal

I thought 2020 was going to be as planned, yet, it was a year full of surprises and unplanned happenings. February 4, 2020, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Arch Gabriel.

I was 19 that time and everything was new to me. Of course, as a first time mom, everything was overwhelming. I didn’t have a mom who could teach me things.

March 14,2020, there was news that there has been a virus called Corona Virus and needed to lock everything down for a week. Students and some are very happy because of course, no classes and work. But, there were lots of COVID cases and the lockdown needed to be extended. Everyone was curious, and kind of worried because people were not able to work and didn’t have money to support their everyday needs.

(ctto)

Meanwhile, I was recovering from giving birth and still getting used to being a mom and having a baby who is completely dependent on me. I was not able to go out for quite a while already and started to get very irritated with everything. Small things affected my mood big time and I cannot control how I react over things. Waking up every 2 hours to feed and change Arki’s diaper was getting exhausting for me. Washing the clothes, cleaning the house, and feeling imprisoned inside our house started to take away my happiness. I didn’t understand why I was acting that way when my one true dream since elementary came true, to become a mom. It was a long term dream of mine since I never had a mom growing up, I wanted to make my child feel and experience everything that I didn’t.

The news started to make me scared and anxious about everything. I was cleaning the house twice a day, washing my hands every hour and was very scared to go out. Mostly, I was scared that I was going to lose everyone due to the COVID outbreak. My father and I were always open about things. He was there when I could not control my tears and started crying non-stop. I did not sleep for three straight days because I was so scared that someone was going to die. I called Papa while crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even speak and figured out the main reason why I was acting that way. Papa was very worried and kept on asking me what was happening until that same day, my OB Gynecology doctor told me that I might be experiencing Postpartum Depression. According to her, moms, especially the first time ones, mostly experience Postpartum Depression and it highly affects the mood of mothers.

I guess, having to spend a month inside our house without seeing anyone other than my baby made me feel like I was alone all throughout my journey of being a mom. Since that day, my Papa has become my comfort. Every time I feel like crying without any reason, I’ll just call him and he makes me feel comfortable and calm every time.

Fast forward to December of 2020, I was starting to get used to the routine of being a mom and having to stay inside the house due to COVID. Until, my aunt or godmother got sick unexpectedly and needed to be confined at Westlake Hospital. She had an infection with her blood and after a week, she died. She was my Papa’s first cousin and one of my favorite people. She was one of my second mothers and her death made me feel very sad. I was crying for a week and starting to ask God why it happened. I was questioning Him why my godmother, Ninang JJ, died. The thought of death scares me until today. It was 2 days after Christmas when she died, t’was the saddest holiday that I ever experienced. My Papa comforted me the whole time and explained to me that death doesn’t mean she left me, she will always be there looking over me. Until holidays passed, everything was starting to go back to normal, although we were still sad about the sudden passing of my godmother, we are now able to spend a day without crying.

My son, Archy, started learning new things, and babbling words like Mommy and Daddy. The experience of being a mother still excites me until now. His little achievements make me feel very proud. Yet, I still feel like there was a void inside me, my achiever self. I miss the achiever, studious, and active Nicole. I asked my Papa if I could go back to school. My father asked me to get my records and enrolled me again. I was very happy and thanked everyone, especially him.

It was a hot afternoon, the same day, when my stepmom called me and asked me to go to our house because apparently my father was having a high blood attack and didn’t want to go to hospital. She also asked me to buy medicine and I immediately left our house and went to the nearest pharmacy. It was the longest tricycle ride that I ever experienced. I felt like the time was so slow and it took a while for me to reach our house though it was just 5 minutes away. When I reached our house, I saw my father laying on the bed and he said “Oh, bakit ka nandito?” I said “Ayaw mo raw kasi magpadala sa hospital, halika na, hindi ka naman i-confine doon, para lang hindi na tayo kinakabahan.” He said okay and when he got up, he couldn't stand at all and I was very shocked. He was also mumbling the words when he spoke so I already knew that it was Stroke. I drove the car and we brought papa to the nearest hospital which is Evangelista Hospital. When we got there, everything was so fast. He got his CT scan and the doctors found out that there was bleeding on one part of his brain that is connected to his vital organs. He needed to be confined in the ICU, but since it was COVID the ICU was full during that time. The nurse set up an ICU at the emergency room. We were calling hospitals, hoping there would be a vacancy at their ICU, but there was none. We accepted the fact that he will be staying at the emergency room.

That night, April 28,2022, the doctor said he needed to be intubated because his oxygen is dropping already and I was the only one allowed to make decisions since I am already at the legal age and my mom was not there. I am an only child and came from a broken family, grew up with my Papa and we endured everything together. I asked the doctor if it was the only option and he said yes, so I signed the waiver and they intubated Papa. He was awake when he got intubated and I could hear him in pain during the procedure. I was praying and asking the Lord to comfort him. After that, I went to him and said “Papa, sorry ha? ‘Yan nalang daw kasi ang only option kaya ako nag yes. Laban tayo, Papa ha?” He couldn't react with his face but his foot was swaying back and forth and I knew that he was listening. My stepmom and I continuously assured him that we are there with him. I needed to go home because I needed to feed and prepare Archy for tomorrow since I knew that I would not be able to take care of him since Papa is in the hospital. I told Papa that I’ll be back. When I got back, the doctor was there checking on him. He was having a fever and about to have a heart attack when the doctor told me that he is now brain dead or comatose. He had no reactions and his body was withdrawing the medications that were given to him. The doctor’s exact words were “Sa sobrang critical po ni daddy, baka hindi na siya umabot mamayang hapon.” That exact moment I couldn’t feel anything at all. The doctor asked me if they will revive Papa if ever his heartbeat goes flat and I said no. Papa always wanted to have a peaceful death and no electricity at all. I immediately called our family and asked them to go there because of Papa’s condition. I went to Papa and whispered in his ears, “ Papa, hindi na po kita pinarevive ha? Alam ko nakikinig ka ngayon at alam ko na alam mo na mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw na po ang bahala, huwag mo ako alalalahanin kasi pinalaki mo ako na matapang, kaya ko ‘to.” A tear fell down on his left eye and I knew that he was still there, listening. I knew my Papa was listening to me that time, he was still with us. I couldn’t cry that time. All I could think about was I needed to be strong because Papa needs me. My aunts and uncles came and they bid their goodbyes to Papa one by one. When his last sibling bid her goodbye, his heartbeat went 5, 10, 15, but never flat. My other aunt said, “Kuya, okay na. Pahinga ka na, sino ba inaalala mo? Si Nicole, kami na ang bahala sa kaniya, hindi namin siya papabayaan.” After my aunt spoke the last word, his heartbeat went flat. I froze, it seemed like everything stopped. That exact moment, the only thing that was running in my mind was I am now alone.

I lost Papa, he left. He died. I hugged him until the St. Peter's staff came to get his body. I still can’t believe that he died. I couldn’t feel anything during that time. Honestly, I was in denial and when I saw him inside the coffin for the first time, I still cannot feel anything. I needed to sign papers for the funeral and such, I have a lot on my plate since I was the only one allowed to. People came and I was surprised to see that he had a lot of friends and people who loved him so dearly. Papa was the kindest person I knew but also the most introverted person. I did not expect that he would have a lot of friends. Everyone was saddened by his passing. I couldn't sleep that night, it felt so unreal. The second day of his burial, I kept on looking at him, making myself believe that it’s really him inside the coffin. Second night was the last night and that was the time that I cried. I cried very much because thinking that it would be the last night that I would get to spend with the person who became my anchor for 19 years, my person, my best friend, the person who never got tired of me, the only person who kept encouraging me and believing in me, My Papa. I cried non- stop and I kept calling him, asking him to wake up. The next day, everyone was very busy preparing for the funeral and I was there still crying. When we were at the cemetery and about to say our last goodbyes to Papa, I was really crying and shouting. It felt like my heart was going to explode because of what I was feeling. I lost my person, he is now gone and I cannot see him forever. That thought killed me, and it will always leave an empty space inside my heart.

 After that happened, everything never went back to normal. I still cry about him until today, remembering him and how he loved me so much still makes me miss him very much. I was so mad at my mom that time because she never came, even a glimpse, she did not say sorry to Papa for everything that she did. She was not there for me. I was all alone with Archy, my son. I kept asking God, “why me?” Why do I have to endure all this pain? What did I do wrong for Him to do all of these to me? I was so mad and felt like everyone was going to leave me. I pushed everyone away. It was still pandemic, so I used that time to isolate myself from everyone. I promised myself not to put myself back to that situation again wherein someone will leave me and I’ll feel broken and lost. As a result, I isolated myself.

Not until my 20th Birthday, May 16, 2021, my family greeted me and asked me if I would like to celebrate my birthday with Papa at the cemetery since it’s been almost a month since he died. I said yes, and started asking for help. I told them that I was not feeling well like I used to before. I told them about my thoughts, and my aunt who is in Canada asked me if I want to get checked by a Psychiatrist. At first, it was hard for me to say yes since I was in denial and I told myself that I am okay and I can do everything on my own. But then, my aunt said, “Hindi naman dahil nagpa-check ka ay baliw ka. You are okay and what you’re feeling is valid. You just need help to overcome those feelings kasi para sa anak mo rin at sarili mo. Archy needs you.” That was my wake up call, my son needs me. He needs a mom and I remembered my forgotten promise to never abandon my son and make him feel alone like what my mom did to me. All my life, I continuously lose the people that I love and because of that, I always felt like every time there is someone who genuinely loves and cares for me, they’ll also leave one day. I always felt like something bad was going to happen and that made me feel very anxious about my environment. The doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill which will help me sleep every time I can't. She also referred me to a counselor and the counselor asked me to write everything that I feel including my thoughts down to a notebook, and I did. I wrote everything from the anger that I am feeling for my mom, that I get scared that someone I love will leave again, that I felt alone since Papa died, that I still blame and doubt myself because of the decisions that I made when he was still in the hospital, that I question God why He is doing these things to me. I wrote everything down then I burned it.

After that, I realized like I never had to endure all the pain alone, I have people who continuously believe in me aside from Papa, I have Archy who needs and looks up to me. Then, I realized that everything has its purpose. Papa always wanted me to go back to school and after he settled my school fees, he died. Maybe, that was his last mission here on Earth. Second, I got pregnant early maybe because God knew that I needed someone whom I can hold on to and that will keep me going because Papa will die earlier than expected, and that’s my son, Archy. Everything that is happening around us has their own purposes and we should never question the Lord. I excelled at my subjects and joined competitions that I enjoy while also working at night and being a mom 24/7. The COVID virus is still in the Philippines together with its new variants, yet, the cases are slowly getting controlled and slowly getting back to normal. We are now allowed to go to malls, buy groceries without the need of a quarantine pass, but still need to be cautious with our actions since there is still a virus everywhere. I still miss Papa, but the thought of him being with Jesus without the feeling of any worry, pain, etc. makes me happy. I am indeed proud that he raised a strong, independent, and brave woman.

Looking back, maybe the reason why I needed to go through all the pain is for me to learn, discover, be stronger, and strengthen my faith with the Lord. I never knew that I could move on from all of the pain that I endured. However, thinking about what happened during the 2 years lockdown, everything was so fast. While the state of our country is going back to its normal routine before pandemic, the lessons that the COVID virus taught me are unforgettable. I really enjoy being a mom of a 2 years old beautiful baby boy, Archy. I am having fun being the Vice President Internal of a wonderful organization. I love working for my company. Lastly, I am enjoying the journey of being me. Life may not be perfect, yet it has a lot of lessons to learn. I may not have everything that I want, but I have all that I need. I may not get the highest grades in class, but there are lots of things that I am grateful for. I may not be the perfect mother, but my son is growing beautifully.

The pandemic may have left us with emptiness, broken hearts, painful memories, but it also left us with realizations and lessons that other situations can not. While things are slowly getting better, I will never forget how this pandemic changed my life. The pain is still here, especially the pain of losing Papa, but I know that slowly, everything will get better.

This is Nicole Aubrey Canarias. A mom, daughter, grandchild, niece, employee, student, and fighter. I survived throughout and I know that I always will. I will end this essay with a quote that I read in a book. It says, “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” Every challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow. Life is full of storms; it is your response to each storm that determines where you eventually end up. Keep on fighting, love. Life goes on and there are lots of things to be grateful for. 

[study-coffee-chicago]

Overprotective (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister! Imagine)

A/N: This was a request from an anon who wanted overprotective Jay and Will and angst and fluff! So, I hope I did your request justice! 

Thanks for reading! Remember to like/reblog and comment! I love reading your comments because they put a smile on my face!

Thunderstorm (age 7)

It had been six months since your mom died. Jay was back from his second deployment and was now a police officer and Will was in New York for what you called doctor school. And your dad, well he was here in Chicago with you physically, but not mentally.

You whimpered as you hugged your teddy bear--whom you had affectionately named Officer Chuckles after you heard someone call Jay that at a picnic for police and their families--tight to your chest. The thunder was really loud and you swore it was shaking the house. And, to make matters worse, your dad wasn't here; he had left his seven-year-old daughter alone at home, during a thunderstorm, at 11:30 at night.

Your mom had loved thunderstorms and she'd always watch them as they rolled in. If it was morning, she'd sit and drink her coffee on the front porch while she watched them and listened to the rain drum down on the roof. If it was nighttime, she'd have something called wine, which she told you that you couldn't have until you were older, and do the same thing.

Because of this, every time there was a thunderstorm and your dad wasn't working, he'd always go to the cemetery to visit your mom. You didn't know what he did there. You just knew that every time there was a thunderstorm, you'd just be that much more scared.

Your mom used to comfort you when there was a thunderstorm; she'd tell you that the thunder was just a giant up in the sky bowling and that he just got a strike. But, your dad wouldn't really comfort you because he'd just leave. And, there was only so much Officer Chuckles and huddling in your blankets could do for you.

"We gotta call Jay," you whispered to your bear. "He'll know what to do."

So, you gripped Officer Chuckles in your little hand and then made your way into the kitchen. You jumped as more lightning and thunder cracked across the sky.

You flicked on the light and picked up the phone. You looked at the number on the fridge and carefully dialed it and then hit the "talk" button. Then, you listened to it ring while little whimpers of fear escaped your mouth.

"Dad? Why are you--" You jumped and a small scream came out. "Y/N? Kiddo, what are you doing up? It's late."

"I- I'm scared," you said quickly and ran back to your room with Officer Chuckles and the phone still in your hand and pressed up to your ear.

"Because of the thunder?" Jay asked gently.

"Uh-huh," you answered as you buried yourself back under your covers. "Daddy's not here and-and it's really loud."

"Dad's not there?"

"He went to see Mommy." You squeaked as more thunder came.

Jay cursed on the other end of the phone and hoped you didn't pick up on it. "Y/N, I will be there in ten minutes, okay? I just want you to stay in your room until I get there. Can you do that for me?"

"Uh-huh. But please come fast, Jay Jay. Me and Officer Chuckles are really scared."

"I'll come really, really fast. I promise. Now, I have to put down the phone so I can drive. But I promise I'll get there really fast. I love you."

"I love you, too, Jay Jay."

***

Jay cursed himself as he drove as fast as he could towards his childhood home. He didn't even speed, just tried to go the speed limit. But, it was downpouring so hard that he had to slow down so that he didn't hydroplane and get into a car accident. He didn't need that right now and you definitely didn't need that right now.

Jay walked up the front porch--forgetting his umbrella in his car because he was so focused on getting to you--and then found the spare key under the flower pot. The flower was fake; there's no way your dad could keep a plant alive.

"Y/N?" he called out as he slipped off his shoes once he was inside. "It's me. It's Jay Jay."

Thunder cracked across the sky and Jay swore under his breath and then took off running to your bedroom.

There, he found you huddled underneath your comforter clutching Officer Chuckles to your chest and resting your head against him. Your small night light was the only thing giving off light in your room.

"Y/N," he whispered, causing you to jump. "It's okay, it's just me. It's Jay," he said quickly and then flicked on your bedroom light.

Now that everything was bathed in light, you jumped out of bed without hesitating and held tightly onto Jay. "It's too loud! It's too loud!" you wailed as your fingers clutched the bottom of his shirt.

"I know, I know," he soothed and gently rubbed your back while you continued to cry. "But remember what Mom said? It's just a giant up in the sky bowling."

"Well, he needs to play a quieter game."

Jay laughed at that. "I mean, we could try to tell him that, but I don't think he'd listen since he's way bigger than us." You nodded in agreement. Jay crouched down in front of you, seeing as you had finally let go of him. "Y/N, can you grab me your most favorite backpack?"

"Why?" you asked, tilting your head to the side. "It's nighttime, not school time."

Jay smiled at your innocence. "I know. But, you're gonna come over to my house and we're gonna have a sleepover."

"Like we do on some weekends?"

"Just like that."

More thunder.

You grabbed onto Jay's hand. "You come with me to get my backpack in the living room?"

Jay nodded. "Of course."

Once you were back in your room, Jay started grabbing some clothes for you and you grabbed your favorite blanket and Officer Chuckles. Then, something dawned on you. You were always supposed to tell your daddy if you went somewhere.

"Will Daddy be mad?"

Jay turned away from your dresser and to look at you. "Why would he be mad, kiddo?"

"Because I'm not- I'm not telling him I'm having a sleepover with you."

"Oh, he knows."

"You talked to him?"

"I called him on the way here." Well, he sent him a strongly worded text message, but that was basically the same thing. All he needed to know was that you were coming to his house since you were scared of the storm (not to mention you were seven years old and you shouldn't be home alone in the first place). He hadn't answered the text yet, but at least he'd know where you were.

"Okay. Will you come with me to get my raincoat, too?"

Jay had just finished putting the last of a pair of clothes in your backpack. "I think we can grab that on our way out. Good thinking, kiddo."

He shouldered your little backpack and took your blanket from you so that it wouldn't drag on the wet ground when you walked outside. Then, you put on your rain boots and raincoat at the front door and clutched Officer Chuckles super tight and walked out to Jay's car, and started on your way to his apartment.

***

"Hold my hand when we walk through the parking lot, okay?" Jay said as he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building.

"Okay."

He put the car in park and then turned it off and got out, quickly opening an umbrella he had stashed in his passenger seat. Then, he made his way over to your side of the car and helped you out and grabbed your backpack, and slung your blanket over his shoulders. You held tight to Officer Chuckles with one hand and held Jay's hand with the other while you two walked into his apartment building, the umbrella Jay was holding with his opposite hand shielding you from the rain.

Once you were inside, you handed Jay your raincoat and he hung it up on the rack because you couldn't reach it.

Jay started digging around in your backpack for the spare pair of pajamas that he had packed for you. "Okay, Y/N, why don't you go put on these nice comfy pajamas--"

"Because mine are kinda wet?" you asked and looked up at your big brother.

"Yes, because yours are kind of wet," Jay confirmed. "And then after, we can go to sleep, okay?"

Thunder cracked again and you jumped.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Jay said and crouched down in front of you. "I promise you nothing bad will happen."

"You promise?"

"I promise," he confirmed with a nod of his head.

You turned to go change your clothes, and then remembered something. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Of course."

After you changed into dry pajamas, you put your dirty ones in your backpack and left the bathroom to see Jay sitting on the couch waiting for you. "Ready for bed?" he asked.

You yawned. "Uh-huh."

Jay glanced at the clock. It was nearing 12:30 am. There was no way you were going to go to school after six and a half hours of sleep. So, he had a plan. And that plan involved iHOP.

Once you got into bed, you tried to fall asleep, but you couldn't. Jay noticed this when you jumped at the thunder. So, he grabbed your little hand in his and squeezed. You then moved closer to him and buried your head in his chest. You knew you were safe from the thunder because your big brother was around and he was big and strong and would protect you from anything. So, you soon fell asleep after, ending your very long night.

***

You rubbed your eyes as you walked out of Jay's bedroom the next morning, Officer Chuckles in your hand dangling by your side.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Jay said.

You looked at the clock. 8:30. "Don't I gotta be at school?" you asked, scrunching up your eyebrows which Jay thought was the cutest thing ever.

"Not until after lunchtime," he told you. "You were up really late, so I wanted to let you sleep. And, so we can go out for breakfast."

"Really? Where?" you asked excitedly, almost dropping Officer Chuckles because you were absolutely buzzing with excitement.

"That is a surprise. Now, how about you go get dressed and brush your teeth and brush your hair, and then we can get going, okay?"

"Okay!"

Then, you scampered off and did just what Jay told you to do. You wanted to know what the surprise would be!

Once you were all done, you and Jay left, and on the ride to the place where you were going for breakfast, you kept asking where you'd be going. But, Jay just wouldn't let up. But, then you saw the big blue sign and knew exactly where you were headed.

"iHOP!" you exclaimed. "Smiley pancakes! Smiley pancakes!" You looked at Jay as he turned into the parking lot. "Can I get the smiley face pancakes? Please, Jay Jay?"

Jay smiled at your excitement. "Yes, you can get the smiley face pancakes."

"Yay!" you cheered.

After breakfast and going back to his apartment to get your school stuff that he had packed in your backpack last night, Jay brought you to school.

When he got back to his apartment, he started making phone calls and cashing in favors.

A month and a half later, Jay officially had guardianship of you.

***

Beach fight (age 14)

"It's so hot," you whined as you walked out of your room in the middle of summer and into the kitchen. You looked at Jay who was drinking coffee out of a mug. "I don't get how you can drink hot coffee. It's too hot out for that."

"You--" Jay took a sip of his coffee.--"are such a drama queen."

"But I'm a queen, so I'll take it."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Wonder where you got the quick comebacks from."

"Just a tall, red-headed doctor. Definitely not you."

"You're funny, kid. Real funny." Jay's phone buzzed. He furrowed his eyebrows. Then it buzzed again and he made eye contact with you and tilted his head to the side. "You texted Will about a beach day? And said that I said it was okay?"

"Uh-huh. You aren't the only Halstead sibling who can be sneaky you know."

"Normally, normally I'd be pissed. But, it's scorching out. So I'll give him a call. Go start getting ready and wear your swimsuit under your clothes so we don't have to change there."

"Yes! Thank you, Jay! Love you!" You gave him a quick hug.

"Yeah, yeah. You never love me more than when you get your way."

Then, you went off to your room to get changed.

***

"Will said he'd be right here," Jay muttered as he looked at his phone for the millionth time in ten minutes. Will and Jay had set up a spot to meet, but Will was running late.

Then, Will's familiar car pulled in and he parked. "Sorry I'm late," he started as he stepped out. "Had to pick up some groceries." He held up the six-pack of beer. "Can't have a beach day without alcohol."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Uh, yes, you can. And both of us are driving home." He turned to you. "Y/N, you're gonna have to make sure each of us only drinks two. I should be fine, but I don't know about him here."

"Hey!" Will exclaimed and then smacked Jay upside the head with his free hand.

You rolled your eyes and grabbed your beach chair and your drawstring bag with your towel and your book from Jay's truck. Jay grabbed the cooler, his bag, and his chair. Will grabbed his stuff and then the three of you were off.

***

You had waded in the water and read your book for a bit while Will and Jay chatted about some mutual cases they had come across while drinking their beer and eating snacks. You were snacking on your cheddar popcorn, (which Will had affectionately picked up a bag for you when he went to get beer because he knew it was your favorite) when you realized something: the boys had a drink other than water but you didn't.

You debated which brother would allow you to buy something from the coffee cart up by the entrance to the beach.

Will won.

"Will," you said sweetly and turned around to look at him.

"Uh oh," Jay said. "That's her I want something voice. Don't give in. Be strong."

Will rolled his eyes. "Yes, Y/N?"

"I was thinking--"

"It's worse than I thought!" Jay exclaimed. "She's thinking!"

You scowled at him and turned back to face Will. "I was thinking that since you two have something other than water to drink and I don't, could I maybe get something from the coffee cart? Please?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Dude! She's fourteen! She shouldn't be drinking caffeine...especially not at noon!" Jay protested.

"There's this thing called decaf coffee, Jay."

"There's this thing called decaf coffee, Jay," Jay mocked. "Shut up, Will."

Will rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I have to go to the bathroom, so I'll walk up with there with you and just give you money and meet you back there." He looked at Jay. "Are you okay with that? I know you hate when she's out of our sight in super crowded place like this," he asked Jay.

"I do not do that!" Jay argued. You and Will gave him a look. "Fine. Maybe I do. I just see a lot of stuff that I never want her to be involved in. Just, make sure you give Will his change back."

"I will," you said. After all, you were in a swimsuit, not that there were pockets there for you to stash your big brother's change like you normally did and then keep it for yourself.

You and Will made your way up the beach to the entrance where he handed you a ten-dollar bill and you two split up. He went straight to go to the bathrooms and you took a slight right to go to the coffee cart.

Will had said on the walk up not to wait for him and to just go back to Jay. So, you ordered your decaf iced mocha caramel latte, took the four dollars and something cents in change, got your latte, and started to walk back to Jay.

That was, you walked until you heard it.

A catcall.

You pretended you didn't hear it, that it was directed at someone else.

But then, "Babe with the coffee." You stopped walking. "I know you heard me. C'mon, show us that pretty face of yours."

Your eyes widened as you swallowed and your lip started to tremble. You knew you should just make a run for it, but you knew that in running in the sand with your hands full, that you'd just end up face planting and getting a mouth full of sand.

"Aw, c'mon baby. I've got friends, too. You don't like me, maybe you'll like them. We'll like you either way."

You wanted to smack yourself at what came out of your mouth next. You turned around. These guys were probably 23-25 year-olds and there were three of them. They were way taller than you and you knew that they'd easily be able to overpower you. But, you said the first thing that you thought would make them back off.

"I have a boy--". You cleared your throat. "I have a boyfriend."

"I don't see no boy." He turned to one of his friends. "Do you?" The other guy shook his head.

Where the fuck is Will?

"Take my money. Just, leave me alone."

You held the money out to the man, but instead of taking it, he grabbed your wrist instead. Hard.

You dropped your coffee, the plastic cup breaking in the sand and making the cold, sweet liquid form a puddle.

"How cute, boys. She's paying us, normally we'd be paying her!"

From down on the beach, Jay was watching from afar. He saw some guys walking towards you and at first, he assumed that they might've been older siblings of some kids you knew at school or something like that.

Then, he noticed your rigid posture and stood up.

He started walking toward you.

You held your hand out and the guy grabbed your wrist.

Jay started running.

"Just, let me go and we can pretend this never happened," you said, borrowing a line you had seen in movies multiple times...not that it ever worked in those, but maybe it'd work in real life.

"No can--"

"Hey!"

Oh, thank God for Jay.

"You the boyfriend?" he asked rhetorically. "She's gotta be sixteen then. How is she?"

"For your information, I'm the brother. And, it'd be in your best interest to let go," Jay growled.

"Three on one. This should be fun." The guy shrugged.

"Listen, man. I really don't feel like doing this here. So just, let her go."

He tugged you closer to him and you yelped, your front hitting his chest.

You squeezed your eyes shut.

You felt arms wrap around you and pull you away from the random guy's chest and you screamed.

"You son of a bitch!" Jay yelled.

You opened your eyes to see that Will was the one who had run up and pulled you back, your heart still beating out of your chest.

"Jay, he's not--" Will tried, but it was no use.

Jay threw the first punch.

The guy's head flew back and he fell to the ground. The guy tried to throw a punch from there, but Jay easily dodged it. Then, he threw three more hits to his face.

Will turned his head away from the fight at the sound of shitty sirens. "Fucking hell, Jay! Security!"

He didn't stop.

"Jay!" you yelled.

Now, this caused him to stop for a second...right as security pulled up next to him.

Jay looked up.

"He threw the first punch!" the man yelled to security before Jay could even explain the situation in its entirety.

"And you harassed my sister, so I think me punching you was warranted!" Jay argued. He turned to security. "Jay Halstead, CPD detective with the Intelligence unit."

The two beach security guards shared a glance. One sighed. "Okay, to make this easier, we won't call the cops because apparently, he is one. But, both of you are banned from the beach."

"What?" the guy bellowed. "You're not even going to ask him for some identification? Unbelievable!"

"I can easily go grab my badge from my car, officer," Jay suggested.

"That won't be necessary," the security guard said. He turned to you. "Miss, did he hurt you in any way?" You held out your hand to show him your wrist, which was red and you knew you'd have bruising on it tomorrow. Then, he turned his attention back to the guy who had been harassing you and his two friends. "You, come with me. Unless one of your buddies wants to cop to being the one who did the harassing?"

The two other guys held up their hands in a sign of surrender and backed up.

"What?" the guy yelled. "I need medical attention! I probably need stitches!"

"And we can have someone do that for you, but you need to come with us." He pulled out a pair of zip ties and got them on the guy's wrist...not without him giving the security guards some difficulty, though. He turned his attention back to you and your brothers. "I take it back, Detective, you're not banned."

Jay gave him a curt nod of thanks.

"What?" the guy yelled as the security guard started walking, taking the creeper away from you and your brothers.

"Keep it moving, buddy. Keep it moving."

"Let's get outta here," Will suggested.

You and Jay agreed, and then the three of you went to grab your stuff from where it previously was at the beach.

***

You had ridden back home with Will instead of Jay since he needed some time to cool off...and call Voight to make sure that the asshole actually got some jail time or something. Basically, Jay needed Voight to make sure that the beach security was actually doing their job.

The two of you made your way into the apartment (Jay had given Will a key and Will had given Jay a key to his apartment also. You didn't bring your key because you thought you'd be riding home with Jay, but then everything popped off.). Then, Will immediately went into doctor mode.

"Go change into some clothes and then I'm gonna take a look at that wrist," he told you.

You nodded and quickly changed into a pair of comfy shorts and a t-shirt. Then, you made your way to the kitchen table where Will was waiting expectantly. You sat down a sighed.

"You okay?" Will asked as he stopped unzipping his medical bag that he always kept in his car in case of emergencies and gave you his full attention.

"That was terrifying. I just, I never would've thought that would happen."

"And it shouldn't have happened. You're fourteen; you're just a kid. It shouldn't happen to an adult, much less a kid." You nodded. "Can I see your wrist?"

You held it out to him and he gently pressed on it and began to inspect it. "You know," you started, "I thought you'd be patching up Jay. Turns out that ass- that guy's friends didn't want to get involved."

"I wouldn't either," Will agreed. "There's no way I'd want to be one the receiving end of a fistfight with Jay. And, for the record, that guy was an asshole." Then, he started talking about the subject at hand. "Well, good news is that it isn't broken...but we already knew that. Bad news is that there will be some slight bruising, so we need to ice it."

"Okay."

Will got up to get some ice from the freezer when Jay walked in...holding a bag of groceries.

"What's that?" you asked.

"Well, I figured we'd get ice cream after the beach, but since that didn't happen, I decided to pick some up." He set the bag of groceries on the table in front of you and started taking out pints of ice cream. "Superman for Will, Neopolitan for me, and cookies n creme for you."

Your eyes went wide as you saw the ice cream and quickly snatched up your pint. Jay laughed at your excitement.

"Still can't believe that Will's favorite is Superman," you mused.

"He's like a kid in an adult's body," Jay agreed.

"I heard that!" Will yelled and then came back with an ice pack and three spoons. "What can I say, I'm a sugar aficionado. Now, what movie are we watching?"

The three of you made your way over to the couch with your spoons and ice cream, you with your ice pack as well, and started to try and agree on a movie.

Sometimes, you hated that Jay was so vigilant and that Will always had to take a look at something as small as a scrape, but today, those two things definitely came in handy. And, you couldn't be more thankful.

***

Migraine (age 16)

Oh here we go again, you thought as you sat in your American history class and felt the pounding in your head coming on. You had had a slight headache this morning but had a feeling it was going to turn into something more since all of your headaches lately have been turning into migraines almost every other day for the past week. For a few weeks, you'd been having headaches and they started out not too bad, a small dose of Tylenol would fix them. You assumed they were just stress headaches from school. But, then they started making the sides of your head pound and making you sensitive to light or nauseous. And right now, you felt a really bad one coming on.

Forty-five minutes later, you had gotten out of your history class and were on your way to biology. But, you were in the midst of the worst migraine of your life. Your head was pounding, everyone seemed to be talking right in your ear, and the lights were way too bright even when you squinted.

You had to go home. You couldn't stay at school any longer.

So, you went to the office and explained this and then called Jay.

"Hello? Y/N, aren't you supposed to be in class?" he asked when he answered.

"My head hurts really bad, Jay. Please, can you come pick me up?" you asked.

"I can have someone drop off some Tylenol," he suggested.

"No," you whined. "It hurts so bad. The light hurts my head and people talking hurts my head. Please, Jay."

You were practically pleading and even though Jay knew that you had a geometry test today, he agreed.

"Okay, I'll email your math teacher about the test."

"Oh. I forgot about that." You hissed as the late bell rang, causing your head to pound even more for those few seconds.

"That bad, huh?" Jay asked, having heard the bell chime on his end of the phone.

"Uh-huh. But, I can't drive home."

"Okay, and I can't pick you because I'm meeting with a CI. You okay if Adam picks you up and brings you back to the district? Then, me and someone else can go pick up your car from school later?"

"Okay. Why can't I just go home?"

"Because, if you're feeling as crappy as you say you are, then I'd prefer that someone has eyes on you. I'll see you in a bit."

"Okay, bye Jay."

Then, you hung up, told the secretary you'd be leaving so that she could send an email to your teachers, grabbed your stuff from your locker, and came back to the office to wait for Adam.

***

Twenty minutes later, Adam walked into the office.

"Hey, kiddo. I'm gonna sign you out and then we'll get you out of here, okay?" You had balled up your sweatshirt and were using it as a pillow and had your eyes closed. But, you cracked them open and nodded. Adam knew this definitely wasn't you lying to get out of a test because usually, you'd tell him not to call you kiddo, seeing as you were sixteen.

Adm showed his ID to the secretary and then he signed you out. You stood up and your head started pounding even more due to the sudden change in posture.

"Here, I can take your bag," Adam offered and you handed him your backpack.

"Thanks," you said quietly.

Then, you made your way to Adam's Jeep and got in the backseat. Not even two minutes into the trip to the district, you knew you couldn't take the music that was playing from the radio...even though you knew it was lower than he normally played it.

"Adam?" you asked, your head now resting on your balled-up sweatshirt as you tried your best to lay down while still buckled up in the backseat.

"Yeah?"

"Can you turn off the music? It really hurts my head."

"Of course." Then, he quickly turned off the radio and the two of you rode in silence the rest of the way to the district.

Adam would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about you.

***

"Mini Halstead! What's--" Trudy Platt exclaimed when you and Adam walked into the district, but Adam quickly placed a finger to his lips as you whimpered at the loudness of her voice. "Sorry," she whispered. "You hungry?"

You shook your head. "Thanks, though."

The desk sergeant nodded. "Let me know if she needs anything," she directed to Adam.

"Will do, Sarge."

Then, the two of you made your way up the stairs and into Intelligence, not without the buzzer on the gate causing you to hiss at the pain it caused in your temples.

"Mini Halstead!" Kevin exclaimed, but Adam quickly put a finger to his lips as you whimpered at his loud voice.

Jay quickly made his way over to you. "Let's go into the break room, okay?" You nodded. Jay turned to Adam. "I can take her bag."

Jay took your backpack from Adam and then the two of you went into the break room.

"There's some Tylenol and water on the table for you," Jay said, fully expecting you to walk over and get it. But, instead, you just plopped yourself down on the couch. "Or, I can bring it to you."

He gave you the water and the two pills and you took them.

"Have you eaten anything since breakfast?" he asked.

You shook your head. "Hurts to chew."

"Okay." Jay paused for a moment. "I think I have a banana I brought with me in case I got hungry. Is that soft enough for you to chew? I want you to eat something."

"I guess," you mumbled as you laid down on the couch. "Just wanna sleep."

"I know, but I wanna get some calories in you before you do that. Can you just stay awake for like five more minutes?" You nodded. "Okay, I'll be right back."

Jay came back two minutes later with a banana and a blanket.

"Where'd you get the blanket?" you asked.

"I keep it in my truck for late-night stakeouts. Here." He handed you the banana and then set the blanket next to you. "I don't have a pillow, so your sweatshirt will have to do. You all set?"

"Yeah, gonna eat this and take a nap."

"Okay, I'll make sure Voight doesn't yell too much. This door's pretty much soundproof though, so you should be fine. Come get me if you need anything."

"Okay."

Then, you ate the banana, folded up your hoodie and put it under your head, and pulled the blanket over you, quickly falling asleep.

***

You woke up two hours later feeling too warm. Your migraine had subsided into just a headache...but you knew in a couple of hours, the migraine would probably be back after the Tylenol had worn off. And, it was still a decently bad headache, just without the light hurting your eyes as much.

But then, you had an idea.

Sometimes at home when you had headaches, you'd lay your head on the tiled floor of the bathroom because it was cold. Cold surfaces always seemed to help.

So, you looked out into the bullpen to see if anyone was there.

No one.

You picked up your phone to see a text from Jay saying that they had gone on a raid and would be back soon and that if you needed anything, to let Trudy know. He also said that he had let Will know what was going on and that he'd be at the apartment later tonight to check up on you.

You wrapped the blanket around you and then made your way out of the bullpen and into an empty interrogation room.

You sat down in the cold metal chair and held your blanket tighter around your body. Then, you laid your head on the cold metal table and relished the feeling of coolness on your head.

Yeah, this will help.

***

"I didn't do it! I swear!" a drug dealer that Trudy was holding by the arm defended himself while Trudy led him to an interrogation room.

"Not that I don't believe you," she started, "but I've heard that one before."

She walked into the interrogation room and her eyes went wide when she saw you lying with your head on the table, asleep.

"What's a kid doing in here? I don't know her!"

"Shut up," Trudy told him. "Come on."

Then, she pulled him towards the next interrogation room.

"Some officers will be in here soon to have a chat with you. Feel free to make yourself comfortable."

Then, Trudy left the room and closed the door, and made her way into the interrogation room where you were currently sleeping.

She knelt down beside you. "Y/N," she whispered. You didn't stir. She placed a hand on your shoulder. "Kid, wake up."

"Hmmm, no," you said, not even lifting your head up. "Wanna go home. Cold feels good on my  head."

Then, Trudy heard the buzzer to Intelligence go off. "I'll be back," she told you.

"Uh-huh," you said, closing your eyes once again.

Trudy walked into Intelligence and immediately set her sights on Jay.

"Halstead," she barked.

Jay quickly turned his head. "What can I do for you, Sarge?"

"You can explain to me why that sister of yours is currently taking a nap in one of my interrogation rooms because she says the cold feels good on her head and then get her out of there," she told him.

"What?" he asked, more confused than ever.

"Y/N's napping at the table in an interrogation room. I need you to get her out of there. I almost put a dealer in there."

"Why's she in there?"

"Like I just told you: she said the cold feels good on her head. But I need you to get her out of there. Now."

"Copy you, Sarge."

"Good choice, Chuckles, good choice."

Then, Jay made his way to the interrogation room that Trudy told him that you were in.

He squatted down next to you. "Y/N," he whispered.

"Feels good. Leave," you mumbled.

"You know I can't let you stay in here. We gotta get you back out into the break room. It's not safe for you in here."

"Don't care."

Jay huffed. "I know you don't, but I do."

You opened your eyes to see that Jay had turned the lights on all the way...compared to how dim you had them before.

Fuck, it had been a few hours since you had taken the Tylenol and it was wearing off.

You closed your eyes again.

"Y/N," Jay warned.

"Light hurts."

Jay sighed. "Okay, I'll dim the lights and I'll be right back."

Jay dimmed the lights and walked out of the interrogation room and into the bullpen once more.

"Why's she not out yet?" Voight asked.

Jay rummaged around in his desk while he answered. "She said the light hurts her eyes, so I'm giving her these to wear." He held up a pair of sunglasses.

"Huh." Voight paused. "Take her home, Jay. You're done for the day. I don't expect to see you back here until Monday."

"Sarge, all due respect, but it's Wednesday and we're in the middle of a case."

"We'll be fine for one half-finished case without you, Jay. Y/N's family. Take care of her. Just think of it as of tomorrow, you get to have a four-day weekend."

"Can I get one of those four-day weekends?" Adam asked.

"No," Voight answered without skipping a beat. "Go take care of your sister, Halstead."

Jay nodded and then grabbed your backpack from the break room and then returned to his desk for his keys and jacket and then went back to the interrogation room.

"Y/N, we're gonna go home now," he whispered when he walked into the room.

"Yay," you said in a monotone voice and slowly lifted your head up and then rubbed your hands down your face.

"Put these on. They should help with the light."

You took the sunglasses from him and put them on. Then, you two slowly walked out of the room and outside of the district to his truck.

***

"So she's sensitive to light and sound?" Will asked Jay over the phone once Will had gotten off shift and realized his brother had called him concerning your headache.

"Yeah, pretty sure it's a migraine," Jay confirmed.

"She mention anything about nausea?"

"When we were driving home she did."

"Could also be that she started getting motion sick if it only happened in the car. I'll stop over and take a look. She eaten anything?"

"Just breakfast and a banana."

"Jesus, man. It's past five o'clock. She needs more than that!"

"I know, but she said it hurts to chew, so I didn't want to force her."

"Okay, I get it then. I'll pick up some food on my way. I'll get Panera Bread so I can get her some soup. Text me what you want."

"Okay, thanks, man. And Y/N likes--"

"--the cheese broccoli soup. I know, Jay, I know."

"Just checking."

Then, Jay hung up and started to look at the menu and then texted Will what he wanted. Now he just had to wait for Will to come over and hopefully fix you. Because Jay would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about you.

***

"Thanks for coming, man," Jay said as he opened the door. "God, she's making me really worried."

"Whoa, it must be bad if you're admitting you're worried," Will joked and then set the bag of food on the counter.

"Dude, she was napping in an interrogation room because she said the table was cold and it felt good on her head! Damn right I'm worried!"

"Okay, just...get the food out and I'll go check her out. Hopefully, I can figure out what's making her get all these headaches. She mention headaches before now?"

"Yeah, for about the past week, week and a half. But, they've never been this bad. And, if they were, she hasn't told me."

"Okay, thanks. I'll see if she'll tell me more. She's gonna be okay."

Jay nodded and then Will made his way to your bedroom.

He opened the door to see that you were sound asleep with your blinds closed all the way. You had your fan on and had earplugs in, so he assumed that just wanted the fan on for the cool air and not the noise...and the noise was the reason you usually wanted it on.

Gently, Will touched your shoulder.

"Go away, Jay," you mumbled and rolled over to face the wall.

"It's not Jay, it's--" Will sighed when he realized you wouldn't be able to hear him because of the earplugs you had in. So, he settled on shaking your shoulder until you opened your eyes and realized it was him and not Jay.

You took out the earplugs.

"Can you fix it?" you asked. Then, you whimpered. "It hurts so bad."

Your lip started to tremble. You didn't want to cry because you knew it would make your migraine worse, but you couldn't stop the tears; you were so sick of these damn headaches and this migraine.

"When did they start?" Will asked and turned off the fan.

"Three weeks ago," you answered.

"Jay said only a week and a half."

"I didn't tell him. I thought they were from school stress, but they won't go away. Make it stop! Please! I can't- I can't even think straight anymore, Will."

You put your head in your hands and rubbed your temples.

"Have you been eating a lot of different foods? Getting too little sleep? Drinking too much caffeine? Weird periods?"

"No, none of that." You wanted to tell him that it was weird having him ask you about your period, but your head hurt so bad that you refrained.

"Okay, well, I think Jay's got the food ready, so do you think you can manage some cheese broccoli soup from Panera?"

You shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"That's good enough for me. C'mon."

You grabbed a pair of sunglasses from your bedside table next to you and then followed Will out into the hallway and then put the sunglasses on.

"How you doing?" Jay asked as he finished pouring everyone water.

You shrugged. "Still hurts."

"I'm sorry, but the bottle says you can't have anymore Tylenol yet."

You nodded and sat down and slowly started to eat your soup, sunglasses still on.

You started to eat and then realized your soup was kind of cold. You stood up.

"Soup cold?" Jay asked.

You nodded and put it in the microwave.

Then, something clicked in Will's head.

Cold.

Temperature.

"Barometric pressure," Will muttered. Then he looked up, a smile starting to spread across his face. "Barometric pressure," he repeated, this time louder.

"Bara-what-now?" Jay asked.

"It's essentially the air pressure when the weather changes," he explained. "Remember when Y/N was in elementary school and would have really bad allergies in the fall?"

"Yeah," Jay said. "What's this got to do with migraines?"

"Migraines start around adolescence and since she had allergies in the fall before, I'm fairly certain that this is why she's getting them."

"You know why?" you asked as you sat back down, your soup now warm. "Can you make them stop?"

"I think I do. But, we'd have to get you checked out tomorrow."

"Okay. Thank you. Get me an appointment."

A few days later, after lots of naps, soup, and tv when your headache/migraine decided to subside, you were put on corticosteroids for what were called "cluster headaches" in the medical field. You're only supposed to be on them for about two weeks and then you'd have to be reassessed. But, for now, your migraines had subsided and you could finally, finally think clearly.

***

Sorry About your Truck (age 18)

You didn't know what was happening. One second you were driving on the circle of the on-ramp to the highway, and the next, you fishtailed to the right. You spun your wheel to the left, maybe slammed on the brakes (which you knew you weren't supposed to do), and then slid to the right again. It all happened so fast that you didn't even know how it happened.

But, you knew how you got in this position.

"Fuck," you muttered as you put your hand up to the vent in your car the day before you left for school. Even though it was set to defrost, you still should've been able to feel some heat coming out. But you felt nothing. Well, nothing but cold air.

You trudged back inside to see Jay putting on his jacket.

"I think my heat in my car's broken," you said.

Jay looked at you and raised his eyebrows. "You probably just didn't turn it on."

"Yes, I did. And I double-checked. Come see."

So, Jay walked out to your car. And sure enough, your heat was broken.

"I'll drop you off at school and then we'll bring the car to the shop tonight. C'mon," Jay told you.

"I have to work tomorrow until 11," you said. "How am I supposed to go to work?"

Jay sighed. "I'll figure it out."

Because, he knew for a fact he couldn't let you drive without heat...not in these Chicago winters.

***

"Jay, man, you gotta go to sleep," Will told his younger brother.

"Dude, it's getting icy out!" Jay argued over the phone. "I'm staying awake until she gets home!"

Will sighed. "Fine. I know there's no changing your mind."

"Thank you. Now, I'm gonna see if I can find a hockey game happening on the west coast and watch that. I'll text you when she gets home."

"I don't need you to do that, but if it makes you feel better, feel free. God, you need to make your cop instincts chill for once."

***

You screamed. You didn't know what to do. One second you swerved to the left and then you swerved to the right. You tried to correct yourself again and get back on the road, but it wasn't working...not like it worked last time when you tried to go back the opposite way anyway. But, now, oh now you were more terrified than before...if that was even possible.

You felt hot tears sting your eyes as you heard the sounds of metal ripping through metal. Then, you felt yourself tumbling. You didn't know if you were screaming at this point, but you felt your knee jam into the dashboard and the next thing you knew, you were upside down with only your seatbelt keeping you in place and the broken glass from the windows had left a smattering of cuts along your body, with the deepest one being on your forehead.

You kept flailing your arms, trying to do something, anything to get you out. And then you heard the sound of sirens and the snow around you started turning blue.

Great...you had found the button to turn on Jay's sirens. Just great.

"Help!" you yelled.

You hoped that someone would call 911....but according to these sirens, you were 911.

***

"Squad 3, Ambulance 61, Truck 81, Engine 51, Battalion 25. Single vehicle car accident. Person trapped."

"Single vehicle?" Casey asked. "Why do they need all of us?"

"Beats me," Severide said. "But we're about to find out."

***

"A cop car?" Kelly asked as he furrowed his eyebrows on the way to the scene.

"Guess so, Lieutenant," Cruz said. "Looks like an undercover car to me, too."

As they got closer, Kelly noticed something. He knew that truck.

"Casey," he said into his radio, "that look like Jay Halstead's truck to you?"

Casey tilted his head. "You know, it actually does. Dispatch," he started, "this is Truck 81 to Main, can you get in contact with the 21st District and see if Jay Halstead is on duty tonight and then get back to us?"

"Copy that Truck 81."

They all pulled up to the scene and Boden started directing everyone.

"Squad, we need to get that victim out. Truck, help Squad with figuring out how to get the victim out. Chances are we'll have to cut the car and need all hands on deck. Engine, I need you on standby in case there's a gas leak and a fire starts. Sixty-One, do all you can."

They all said their "copy that's" in some form or another and then Casey, Stella, and all of Squad 3 went over to look at the truck.

"Help!" you yelled. "Somebody help me, please!" At this point, the blood from your forehead was dripping all over the roof of the truck. At least, since you were upside down, the blood wasn't going into your eyes. But, tears were rolling down your cheeks. You were terrified and your knee was in so much pain from being crushed up against the dash and your head was starting to burn where you had been cut by the glass.

"Main to Truck 81, Jay Halstead is not on duty tonight according to the 21st."

"It's not Halstead!" Casey yelled. "He's not on duty!"

They all raced up to the truck.

"I'm gonna climb up to the window and see how the victim's doing. I'll tell you what we need from there," Kelly said.

Then, with the help of Cruz and Capp, he got on top of the rolled-over vehicle.

"Help! Please help me!" you yelled.

"We're gonna get you out, don't worry!" Kelly yelled once he was close enough that he knew you'd be able to hear him.

You knew that voice.

Kelly looked down into the truck to see you straining your neck to look out the broken window and up to him.

"Don't move!" he ordered. He had no idea whether or not you had sustained injuries to your spinal cord.

"O- Okay," you whimpered. "I'm scared, Kelly."

"I know, I know. But we're gonna get you out of here. It'll all be okay." He turned his head so that it was back facing Squad, Casey, and Stella. "Casey!" he yelled. "I need you to tell Boden to get in touch with one of the Halsteads! It's Y/N!"

***

"Hello?" Jay asked sleepily into his phone. He had finally taken Will's advice and had tried to go to sleep...with a Vegas Golden Knights vs. Colorado Avalanche game playing in the background since that was the NHL game that was happening on the west coast right now.

"Halstead, it's Wallace Boden. Are you aware that your sister was driving your truck?"

At this, Jay sat up straight, sleep be damned. "She was. Why? What happened? Is she okay?"

He stood up and started pacing the room.

"Jay, I'm going to tell you the location and I need you to call Will and you both need to get here ASAP."

"Chief, all due respect, but you need to tell me what's going on."

"Y/N's been in a car accident. It's a roll-over crash. She's currently stuck in the car but conscious."

Everything Jay learned about bad news from your mom and dad passing, to his time in the military, to him being a cop flew out the window in that very moment.

"She's been in a crash? Can they get her out? Tell me they're gonna get her out, Chief! They have to!"

"Jay, my men are doing everything they can. But right now, you need to call your brother and you need to get to this location as fast as possible."

"Okay, yeah, yeah. I can do that."

Then, Jay quickly hung up.

After calling Will four times in a row, he finally picked up.

"Dude, I'm about to be in surgery, what's--"

"Y/N's been in a car accident. We need to go there now."

Will almost dropped his phone.

"What? How? When?"

"I don't know, all I know is that Boden called me and told me to get to the scene ASAP. I'll pick you up on  the way."

Then, without waiting for Will's response, Jay hung up the phone and dialed a number he never thought he'd be calling off duty: his new partner, Hailey Upton.

"Hailey, it's Jay. I need a favor."

***

"Capp!" Kelly yelled. "We need to cut through the seat to get it off from the floor because that's currently the ceiling! Squad and 81, we need to cut the back of the truck so we can get her out of here! 51, figure out how to kill these sirens! And, Brett, I need you to come up here and take a look so you can tell me the best way to get her out of here!"

Sylvie Brett started sprinting over to the truck with her jump bag and then Casey and Cruz helped her onto the truck and Kelly gave her his hand to make sure she got all the way up there safely.

"Y/N, I'm Sylvie. Do you remember me?" she asked calmly.

"Uh-huh," you answered, trying your best not to move your head like had Kelly told you.

"I bet your leg hurts really bad, huh?"

"Not, not really," you answered.

Sylvie and Kelly shared a look. They knew what this was: you were going into shock.

"Hand me that flashlight," Sylvie said to Kelly. He handed it to her. "Yeah, she's tensing her leg muscles, which is probably why she can't feel it. She's still having an adrenaline rush since she seems to unconsciously tensing them. We'll still give her pain meds as soon as we can because when the pain wears off, it's gonna hurt.

"For now, I need to get a C-collar on her and when she gets out, I need her on a backboard and I need that leg in a splint. Try your best not to do any sudden movements that can hurt her leg even more than it already is. By the looks of it, I'm assuming she shattered her knee cap."

"Got the bolt cutters, Severide!" Capp yelled.

"Got the saw, too!" Casey yelled. "I think we should start by cutting the end of the truck, sound good?"

"Yeah, that works!" He took off his turnout coat and handed it to Brett. "Get in there, get a C-collar on her, and cover her with this while we cut the end of the truck. Close your eyes and cover your head with your jacket. Yell to me when you're ready."

"Why aren't you going in there?" Sylvie asked as she positioned herself to jump through the window and down into the truck.

"I don't think I could fit through that window."

"You never know," Sylvie said and then slipped down and into the truck.

"They're gonna cut it?" you asked frantically. "But what if they hurt me?"

"Y/N, it's okay. They won't hurt you. They're professionals. They've done this hundreds of times. But, I need you to stay calm for me. I'm gonna put this C-collar around your neck and cover you with this coat so that debris doesn't get in your eyes." She didn't mention the cut on your forehead and at the moment, she hoped you weren't feeling it.

Sylvie got the C-collar around your neck to stabilize it and then she put the turnout coat over you and pulled hers over her head. "Ready!" she yelled to Kelly.

You started hearing the sound of metal being cut. You could feel your heart pounding out of your chest, but at the same time, you couldn't feel anything at all.

***

"There it is!" Jay pointed from the passenger seat of Hailey's car. The hospital had been on their way to the scene, so they grabbed Will on the way. Jay was thankful because he knew that the hospital would be close if you needed to go there.

Will was practically standing up in the backseat so that he could jump out of the car as quickly as possible. He needed to make sure you were okay.

Hailey had barely put the car in park when both Halsteads jumped out.

"Chief!" Jay yelled. "Where is she?"

"She's still in the car. They're trying--"

"They're trying?" Jay yelled angrily, cutting Chief Boden off. "If she's not out yet and it's been this long then they sure as hell aren't trying! I swear to God if--"

"Jay!" Will yelled and stepped in front of him and gave him a shove to push him away from Boden. "You need to calm down!"

"Calm down? Don't tell me to fucking calm down! Our sister's in a roll-over crash and you're telling me to calm down?"

"I understand you're upset," Boden started, "but you two shouldn't even be here right now. And, if you don't want to be pushed back behind the yellow tape, I suggest you calm down."

Jay glared at Boden but kept his mouth shut.

Jay started walking away and then locked eyes with Stella. He picked up his pace. Will tried to pull him back because he had a feeling he knew what he was going to do, but he was too late.

"Stella!" he yelled. "What's happening? You gotta tell me what's going on in there. Please."

Stella sighed. She knew she shouldn't be doing this. But, she knew if it was anyone in her family, hell if it was Kelly or anyone else in Firehouse 51, she'd want to know what was going on, too.

"She's upside down, hanging from her seat. Her knee's jammed up against the dash. She's still conscious, but they have to get her out."

There was a loud creaking sound that caused everyone to turn their attention back to the scene.

They had sawed through the back half of the truck and were now going in.

"Casey, Kelly," Stella said into her radio, "can I get an update on the situation? Jay and Will are here and they just want to know."

"We just gotta get the chair down, Kidd," Casey's voice came from her radio. "She's still conscious. She's scared, but she should get out fine."

Jay looked up at the sky while Will sighed in relief.

You'd be getting out of there just fine.

***

The next few hours were a blur of you getting out of the truck and being taken by ambulance to Chicago Med (Will rode with you because of Jay's fear of needles), and you being in knee surgery.

Jay and Will had to wait outside while you were in surgery. And they were beside themselves.

"God, I shouldn't have let her take my truck," Jay vented as he was pacing the waiting area with his hands on his head.

"You couldn't have known it was gonna snow like this. It wasn't supposed to snow like this," Will comforted.

"How do you do it?" Jay asked.

Will furrowed his eyebrows. "Do what?"

"Stay so calm? Like, when we were at the scene, you were so calm when I was absolutely losing it."

"I don't know, I really don't. Maybe I realized that being pissed wasn't going to help anyone. But, when I heard Stella and Casey tell us what was going on, I knew she was going to be okay. There were no injuries to the abdomen, chest, or head--well, except for that laceration on her forehead--and she was conscious. I just knew."

"So you're telling me, you thought logically with medical knowledge?" Jay asked. He had absolutely no idea such a sophisticated sentence would ever make its way out of his mouth, but hey, there was a time and place for everything.

"That and I knew you'd be pissed, so I knew I'd have to at least be calm enough to calm you down...or hold you back."

"There it is."

***

You woke up an hour later. You blinked, trying to remember what happened, and then it all came rushing back. The fishtailing...the screaming...Kelly talking to you...the sound of metal being cut...

You took a deep breath.

This alerted your brothers that you were awake.

"Hey, how was being under?" Will asked jokingly. You had always asked what it felt like to be under anesthesia and Will said he couldn't really explain it; he said you'd just have to find out some time.

"It was a nice nap," you answered.

Will laughed. "I bet it was. Feeling better?"

"Tired," you yawned.

"Well, it is just past four in the morning, so that makes sense."

You looked at Jay. "I'm sorry about your truck. I was just going down the exit ramp and it happened so fast and--"

"Hey, hey," Jay said quickly and stood up. "It's okay. It's just a truck, it's replaceable; you, kiddo, are not."

Will smiled. "Borrowing a line from Mom's book when we both inevitably got in our first car accidents, I see."

Your finger started to move toward the stitches on your forehead.

"No, no, no," Will said quickly. "Don't touch them!"

You kept running your finger over them. "But they feel funny."

"That's because you haven't gotten them before. They'll feel even funnier if you pop one and me or someone else has to redo them."

Your stomach grumbled.

"Okay, what do you want to eat?" Will asked. He handed you a cup of water, too because he figured that if you were hungry, that you'd be thirsty as well.

You took a few sips and then answered. "Olive Garden."

Jay laughed. "Olive Garden isn't open at four am."

You pursed your lips to the side, thinking about what you wanted. "Pizza."

"I'll go have someone grab you some," Will said.

"Maybe send Adam because he can just call the cafeteria lady darlin' and then just like that,--" Jay snapped his fingers---, "she'll get an extra piece for free," Jay suggested.

"Adam's here?" you asked.

"Everyone's here," Jay answered. "They all wanted to make sure that you were okay...and the 21st also got called to see if I was on duty since it was my truck."

"If it makes you guys feel any better, I don't think I'll be driving for a while."

"That's okay. Voight gave me a few weeks off to look after you while you're recovering and I think Goodwin's letting Will cut down his hours."

"What he means Y/N, is that you'll be stuck with us telling you not to try to walk for a few weeks," Will said.

"Uh," you groaned.

Will and Jay both laughed. "I'm gonna go see if Adam can get you that pizza," Will said. He was almost out the door when he added, "you better not touch your stitches while I'm gone."

The next few weeks was a blur of doing all your schoolwork at home--and a lot of times, from the couch--, Jay and Will scolding you if you so much as tried to bend your leg, lots of movies and tv shows (and Jay and Will always let you pick because you couldn't really do much while you were laid up at home), and convincing Jay to buy you lots of Oreos and cheddar popcorn. And if he didn't...well, you'd just text Will (luckily you had insurance on your phone and could get a new one without paying a lot after the crash) and he'd bring you your Oreos and cheddar popcorn. After the first two weeks, Jay just had to live with the fact that he was outnumbered when it came to you and your favorite snacks.

***

Rough Shift (age 21)

Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal ideation!

You sat at Molly's finishing up your second pomegranate martini...and it was only 6 pm. You waved Stella over to have her make you another one.

"Y/N, I know you drove here. I can't in good conscience give you another drink. Hell, I didn't even want to give you the last one! But, I can get you a pop if you want? Or lemonade?"

"Stella," you whined. "I just want another drink. It's been a really rough day at work. Please, just make me another one."

"You know I can't do that. What happened at work? Maybe it'll help to talk about it. We've all had rough shifts before and talking about it or crying it out usually helps."

"I can't really cry it out right in the middle of a bar." You took a shaky breath. "Even though, I really wish I could." Tears started to sting your eyes. You couldn't cry. Not here. "I think I'm gonna go have that cry." You set some money on the bar. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it. And hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, Y/N, I'm your girl."

"Thanks, Stella."

Then, you left Molly's. But, you didn't go straight home. You decided to go to the store instead. And all you bought there was a bottle of peach Moscato.

Time to get buzzed enough to forget for the time being.

***

When you got home, you popped some food in the microwave since you hadn't eaten since basically breakfast save for some beef jerky and an apple, and unscrewed the cap to the wine you had just bought. Normally, you wouldn't buy a ton of alcohol for yourself because you'd just take Jay or Hailey's drinks if she brought any over (yes, you still lived with Jay because college is ridiculously expensive and you were trying to get out of school with as little debt as possible...if any), but those two were on a camping trip on Lake Michigan for the weekend. You were supposed to go, but then you had to work. So, Will ended up going instead. He said maybe he'd meet a girl up there and you just laughed.

You took a few sips of your wine and then realized that maybe you should call your brothers. You knew this wasn't healthy and you felt like everything was coming down on you at once: the stories you heard at work, being in the hospital, currently just being physically and emotionally exhausted and hungry.

So, you dialed Jay's number.

"Hey, Y/N, what's up?" he asked. He put the phone on speaker so he could finish adding wood to the campfire he was building for him, Hailey, and Will to roast hot dogs over.

"It's just, it's been a really bad day," you said, your voice cracking.

Will was near him and he looked at Jay worriedly.

"Why's that?" Jay asked.

"I- I had to go the hospital with a girl because she- because she said she was going to kill herself." Tears were currently rolling down your cheeks. You had kept it together all day and now you were crumbling.

Working in a group home you knew things like this were bound to happen, but you didn't know they'd happen in your first two months there. And, to make matters worse, you got the email when you were driving into work, so you really had no idea what was going on. When you got to work, you were told you had to go to Lakeshore Memorial Hospital because a girl was saying she was going to kill herself the night before. And, you didn't have the staff to get her back inside safely, so, as is protocol, the shift lead the shift before yours had to call emergency services to take her to the hospital. You didn't know about any of this until you got to work when you were debriefed and then told you'd have to go to the hospital.

God, you knew this happened but nothing prepared you for sitting in that dark room with her all shift, the monitors beeping, telling you that she was still alive. You had done some homework and you had talked with her, gotten more information about why she did it. You had read her file, but she really seemed to open up to you and told you more. And, what broke your heart the most was that, since she was in a group home, she had no family. So, you did your best to sit with her the entire shift, only leaving to go to the bathroom, get some water, or make a phone call to your shift lead. Because, even if you were doing homework and she was sleeping or just sitting in silence, you knew it helped to have someone there with you. And, you knew if it was you in that position, you'd want someone to be there with you.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"No," you admitted. "I don't want to be alone."

Jay sighed. There was nothing he could really do for you at this point. "Y/N--"

"I'll grab my stuff and I'll be there in an hour and half, Y/N," Will interjected.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want you wasting your weekend off--"

"Y/N," Will began, "it's fine. I'll see you soon."

***

Will walked inside carrying a bag of McDonald's.

He walked into the living room to see you sipping wine out of the bottle. You weren't even halfway through it yet. You were just a little buzzed because you had drank the martinis a couple of hours ago. So, now you needed to get more buzzed to forget about your horrible shift. Normally you never did this: drink to forget. But today, well today, you deemed it warranted.

"Y/N, at least pour it in a glass," Will sighed and then sat down next to you and set the bag of food on the coffee table in front of you.

"Why's it matter? I'm the only one who drinks Moscato; you and Jay say it's too sweet."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to drink too much."

"But I just wanna forget what happened, Will," you said as you turned to face him. You started to cry. "She's just a kid. She shouldn't be going through this. Hell, she shouldn't have gone through what happened to her in her past! She didn't deserve it!"

Will wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug while you cried. He knew because of confidentiality reasons that you couldn't tell him any more than you had just told him and what you mentioned on the phone.

"I know, I know," he soothed.

"I know she didn't- she didn't die," you cried. "But, God, it feels like I got my first death."

"And, crying about it is nothing to be ashamed of," Will said. "When I had my first patient death, I went home and did exactly what you did: cried and drank until I couldn't think straight, much less think about what happened at work."

You pulled away. You didn't think Will ever cried over something that happened at work. "You did?"

"Hand to God, I did."

"How do you cope with this stuff all the time?"

"You do the best you can with the knowledge you have. You talk to somebody about how you're feeling and you don't drown yourself in drinking, drugs, or sex." He moved your bottle of wine. "You cope in healthy ways. And, sooner or later, you realize that you can't save everybody. And, that you can't change the past.

"You can't change what happened in this girl's past to make her end up in a group home or have these intrusive thoughts, but you can help change her future by being there for her and listening to her, and helping her get to a better place."

"That's what I want to do."

"Good, then you're in the right place to do that. You just have to focus on your wins and not your losses."

You pulled away and wiped your hands across your face to get rid of the tears. "Thank you for coming home. I, uh, I really needed that."

Will nodded. "You're welcome. I wished someone would've told me that earlier in medical school and I didn't want you to feel like I felt."

"Is that why you decided to come home and not Jay?"

"Part of the reason."

You raised an eyebrow. "And the other part?"

"I figured Jay and Hailey could use a night all to themselves."

"Gross!" You faked gagged and Will laughed.

"I don't know if you'll be able to eat now that I mentioned that, but how about we try and we can watch a funny movie?"

"I like that idea."

And, even though you really wanted to get buzzed to forget about the day you had, you knew it was better for you to talk about it with Will and eat takeout and watch a movie with him. And, you were pretty sure you felt better after that than you would if you drank an entire bottle of wine by yourself.

A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading! Sorry this one took so long, but I'm in school and working, so updates won't be as frequent as they were in the summer. And finally, please remember to like/reblog and comment! I love reading your comments! As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

[josnhoes]

For child au in Obey me how would Lucifer, Mammon, and maybe Solomon be when the child cry and walked to them asking if they are going to a bad place because their mother is not married and they are a child of a single mother

Content warning talks of damnation, demons and wizards are bad with small kids but trying, and child reader.

Reader is a young child, with a single mom who isn't in the devildom with them, and it is not the earlier kid au this reader has a mom who tries her best. Please note the bold of each name signifies a seperate scenario start they do not *all* happen.

You always remembered the scorn on some meaner adults faces when you told them it was just you and your mom when they asked about your father. You never knew the man and you weren't sure of your mom even remembered him to tell you who he was. Still it was painful to see all those family and kids who didn't get sneered at by the older folks. Not everyone was mean, you knew lots of nice adults! Like the brothers and mr.prince and his butler! Sure they had accidently taken you from your mom but they were trying to get you home. But if you died before then with how dangerous this place was what would happen? The mean adults always said you were going to a very bad place because you didn't have a dad and that your mommy was a bad word. But your new friends would know right?

Lucifer was as always in his office. You didn't know why he was there so often but he said it was important so you believed him. You carefully opened the door a nervous frown on your face.

"Mr.Lucifer? Um..." you suddenly felt even smaller as his sharp eyes landed on you. Though he didn't seem made so that was good.

"Did Mammon break something again?"

"N-no! I had a question." He motioned for you to come inside the room and continue. "Umm alot of adults say I'm going to a bad place when I die because I don't have a daddy... is... is that true?" You felt the heat of the tears starting to fall.

Lucifer panicked he did not sign up for *this* when he agreed to look after you. Plus this *was* technically hell so you were in 'the bad place'. Not that anyone would tell you nor where they allowed. "No but they will be for telling lies. Don't listen to people like that."

"How can you be so sure?" You sniffled which made the man get us and carry you to his desk so he could wipe your nose with a tissue.

"I just do." That didn't help much but you felt somewhat reassured. He didn't give much other answers aside 'I just do' and 'trust me' every time you asked until you tuckered yourself out.

Mammon had taken the role of guide and best big brother to you since you arrived. Something about your tiny squishy face made him soft. So when he came into your room after hearing sniffling he was ready to fight.

"Oi! Who made ya' cry?" This demon was down and ready to maim someone. Sure he was one of the least violent brothers but he had limits.

"N-no one." You tried to lie.

"Don't give me that kiddo. I can tell when ya' lie remember?"

You looked down in shame, "I was just remembering back home, and the mean neighbor lady."

"How is she mean?" You didn't seem the type to cause trouble so he couldn't see it being fair punishments.

"She would tell me I was going to a bad place because I don't have a daddy. I got scared." Yes the memory had spooked you.

"You're not going to no bad place. You're too good a kid, besides remember what I told you? If you're ever in danger or scared you can call for me and I'll protect ya'." Which he had proven to you a few times already. He was relieved to see you nod, "Now come on let's get you some ice cream."

It wasn't a perfect solution to your fears but the joy of being little was you were easily distracted by treats.

Solomon being the only other human in the exchange program had taken on a gaurdian role of his own with you. Like a cool uncle or weekend dad. But sometimes that wasn't a good thing. Like right now.

The pair of you had been watching a comedy and the father and child where talking and bonding and you burst into tears, much to the wizard's confusion. Still he tried very hard to get you to calm down and tell him what's the matter.

"I'm going to the bad place because I don't have a daddy!" Seeing the bonding had brought back some bad thoughts it seemed.

"So you think you'll go to a bad place because you don't have a dad? That won't happen but I tell you what. I *can* be your dad!" He went with what seemed like a simple solution for a child's logic. Not at all considering what this meant.

"You're too young to be a dad!"

"I'm much older then I look besides you see this white hair? I'm an old man."

"Then you'd be my grandpa not my dad."

"Oh how my darling child wounds me so." He faked a dramatic fall against the arm of the sofa you'd both been on. "Cast aside by my baby MC so easily, how will o survive?"

"Noo don't die you can be my dad! I'm sorry!" You ignored the way he bounced back up and pulled you into his arms as though he hadn't been mortally wounded by your words.

[anystalker707]

Spicy horror

Pairing: Frank x [fem] Reader Word count: ~ 4 000 Genre: Smut / Fluff Summary: It's Halloween, and (y/n) and Frank finally confess their crushes to each other when binge watching horror movies on Frank's place. Kind of content: Praising / Protected / Oral

Requested by @thisisjustforrequestingfanfics (can't tag you, sorry hhh my T*mblr is acting weird)

a/n - I'm sorry that I coudn't proofread, I might do it soon; I was supposed to be asleep rn

"You're just annoying, old man," I tease with a grin. "But don't whine or else you'll ruin the makeup!" I continue spreading the white concealer over his face, careful to get it on the corners around his nose and around his eye, though not to irritate his eyes.

"No, fuck you," Frank groans, his face twitching to suppress any expression. "Why can't we watch it again tonight? They're the best movies! And stop calling me old man, it's just my birthday! I'm not decomposing or anything!" Despite his words, he smiles, opening his eyes once I pull away, leaning back against the chair of the desk – I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, I agree." I grab the eyeshadow palette from the desk and move closer to him again. "TCM is a great series and all, but can we not watch it for a single week? It's your birthday and we can watch literally any horror movie! And it can be special, like, not something we've watched a thousand times already to the point we already know most of the lines." I glare before motioning for him to close his eyes.

Frank sighs grumpily, leaning his head back. "What are you planning on, then? Alien? Jaws?" He lets out a weird cry when I slap the side of his head lightly, though he is soon chuckling.

"And then you complain when I say how annoying you are!" I spread the dark eyeshadow over his eyes, humming. "It's been a while since we've watched The Howling, Evil Dead, House of Wax. I mean, 'm not gonna complain if we decide on Alien and Jaws either." He hums, pouting. "Don't worry, you're still my favorite old man." I press a kiss to his head.

"I hate you," he laughs.

After a little bit of fake blood and retouching on my makeup, the two of us are leaving Frank's house to go to school, waving his mother goodbye. We don't look like what most of the kids will go dressed up as – not putting enough effort nor choosing the same themes as the jocks and popular people and not invisible enough just to throw on whatever in a black theme. Frank looks like a chill vampire with Bela Lugosi's Dracula references, though still looking like a punk, while I decided on one of my favorite characters. Nothing too extra, but still in the vibe.

"You look ridiculous with that hair slicked back." I kick one of the pebbles on the sidewalk. "I prefer the hedgehog or whatever it is in the normal state."

"I honestly feel like I could kill someone just from biting their jugular off." He grins, throwing his nose in the air – I can't help but to chuckle; he's adorable. "But not gonna be anyone from school, they're not worth it neither their blood would taste good." He twists his mouth. "I feel like most I'd get would be booze, botox and steroids."

"Damn," I snort, "awfully accurate. You're gonna starve, sorry."

Frank pouts, looking down, but a smirk soon tugs on his lips as he takes a step closer. "But you're not that bad, baby, you know?"

"Oh, fuck off!" I roll my eyes, clicking my tongue. "You just want to get in my jugular!"

Both of us burst out in chuckles and our conversation eventually dies down when we walk past the gates to inside the school, replaced by jokes at other people's costumes, sometimes needing to hold onto each other from laughter.

We walk into the first class, already a bit late, but all it does is to attract everyone's attention the moment we step in.

"Ridiculous, as always," some girl mutters under her breath. Funny.

Frank wraps a hand around the length of the coat to stupidly bring it to cover the lower part of his face, looking around with narrowed eyes then wide ones. "I smell not just a lot of blood here," he says in a low and raspy voice, "but also stupidity!" He points at the girl judgingly, making her twist her mouth disgusted.

"I hope Freddy Krueger visits you tonight," I say when walking past her, patting her shoulder. A scream comes from her when noticing the fake blood stain I leave behind on her white outfit, having Frank and I chuckling on our way to the back.

No one really pays attention to the classes – it's Halloween, we're even in stupid clothes and anxious for whatever is going to happen later in the day, so the teacher doesn't even bother scolding Frank and I for talking nonstop in the back of the classroom. To be honest, I think only the goody two shoes are actually doing something, sometimes turning around to glare at the others.

"Okay, okay, shut up for a minute!" I tell Frank, taking a look at the messy words over my notebook to check if I forgot to write something down. "We've got The Howling, Alien, Evil Dead, House of Wax, Dawn of the Dead, Funhouse, Pumpkinhead..."

"Fright Night," Frank continues, "Opera, Cannibal Holocaust, Texas Chainsaw–"

"I said no TCM! Fuck you," I curse, rushing to write everything down, crossing out TCM when I accidentaly write it down.

"Friday the 13th, Poltergeist, Near Dark and Elm Street," he finishes, glaring at me. He hits my shoulder, not enough to hurt. "I'll make you watch TCM with me until you have memorized every single frame of it!"

"Your TCM phase will have died down by then!" I twist my mouth bitterly. "Sorry to kill the hype, baby!" I throw my nose in the air with a chuckle at his sulky manners. He furrows his eyebrows, sucking in a breath for words he never really gets to say. "And we still got to watch all these goth movies and shows lying around! Do you think it was easy finding the 60s Addams family show on DVD? Or that one Frankenstein version on cassette." Okay, the last one was easy to find in a yard sale, but still, it was just luck.

"Okay, mommy, please just don't punish me," Frank says with a groan and a fake moan. I stare at him as he's not able to contain his laughter before starting to hit him with the notebook.

"Too bad you're not a good boy, hun."

For once, school ends up actually being nice and just because Frank and I were getting in the character sometimes and pissing people off. By lunch, he had pulled on some sunglasses and looked like the stupidest fucker while eating his sandwich and smudging more of the lipstick and fake blood around his lips. At some point, we had pretended to have a fight and pierce the other's chest with a pair of scissors just to squeeze a bag of fake blood at whoever walked by – mostly some of the jocks or plastics. So much fun.

The house is quiet when we arrive back at it, a couple hours after school ended, and we find out, later, a note from Frank's mom apologizing she can't be here during the rest of his birthday, though she's sure he'll have fun with me.

"Imma take a shower," I sigh, pointing upstairs.

"Sure," he hums, looking up from the note for a moment to smile at me.

Thankfully, I always leave some clothes at Frank's place because I'm here far too often and not always have the chance or disposition to go back home and grab some clothes. It doesn't prevent me from stealing his hoodie, however, and walking out of the bathroom without all of that sticky makeup or fake blood is the best thing ever. Later, Frank is the one to go take a shower while I take care of the food he had already started to prepare.

"Much better!" I raise my eyebrows at the sight of Frank with his hair back to normal and only a bit of black makeup smudges the underside of his eyes now.

"Y'know, I never said a single thing about how you looked," he mutters with his brow low, coming to lean against the counter, next to me, "still, you've been attacking me every chance you got!"

"Does it offend you?" I smile.

"No, but it still hurts!" He sniffles, a hand flat against his chest. "I know I'm too badass for you to handle, but you don't need to let it be that clear!"

I look at him from head to foot. "I hate you, y'know that?"

"Love you too, hun!" He grins and moves closer, cupping my face exaggeratedly to peck my cheek before we head upstairs with everything we need.

We turn the lights on to organize everything, soon sitting down against a pile of pillows and with food surrounding us, though most of it is on the bedside tables since Frank, mainly, gets extremely uncomfortable with it falling on the bed. It doesn't matter, though, since the food and half empty cans end up going forgotten halfway through the movie at the same time the chatter dies down and we watch The Evil Dead as if it was the first time.

Some funny part comes on – well, not exactly funny, but enough to make us chuckle quietly – and brings us back to reality, sighing and glancing at each other, adjusting our postures as we'd slid down the pillows.

Frank yawns.

"Already tired?" I tease, poking his shoulder.

"No." He pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. "Getting tired is for losers." He does glance at the clock on his bedside table, however, and the red glowing numbers say it's six something.

"You're my favorite loser, then." I smirk lightly, exhaling.

Frank's eyebrows knit together as he looks at me, but then rolls his eyes. "Well, duh, of course I am! Who else? I'm the best." He scoots closer until his head is leaning on my shoulder and I can't help but to smile.

"No, I am," I groan, arms wrapped around him.

"I am!" He glares and, at some point, we end up in a wrestling match, pushing each other around the mattress among laughter and curses, which comes to a stop when we start getting too tired and I just let Frank lie down on top of me, head on my chest, still watching the movie. "Do you like anyone, (y/n)?" he asks suddenly. "Like, got a crush?"

Random. Why does he want to know? I mean, I do have a crush, but telling him about it is difficult.

"Um, yeah, I guess, why?" I blink, startled when he suddenly brings himself up on his elbows to stare at me.

"I swear to God I'll hunt them down if you forget about me because of them, do you understand?" Frank presses his forehead to mine. "You're the only one I got, sometimes I'm so worried you'll even leave me for whatever reason."

"What?" I breathe a chuckle, though there's not exactly anything funny here. "Never in my right mind would I do that! And you can't hunt my crush down if my crush is actually you," I laugh in a sudden rush of confidence, which wears out awfully quickly, leaving me lying there and rethinking every life choice.

"Me?" Frank widens his eyes. At the lack of answer, he takes a hold of my collar, straddling my hips. "Did I hear it right? Please, (y/n), (n/n), soulmate? I'm your goddamn crush? For how long?"

I shake my head lightly, shrugging. "Months? A long time."

"And you just told me now?" He cries, forehead pressed to my shoulder. "Slow motherfucker."

"I didn't want you to leave me either, c'mon!" I sigh in defeat, running a hand through his hair. "I remember that time a girl confessed to you and you'd simply vanish whenever she showed up. What if that was with me? I'd not be able to live like this, y'know that."

"Y'know, yeah, seeing it from that point..." Frank shrugs, bringing himself up to face me again. "Still, I wouldn't avoid you like that! Dunno, but it doesn't matter now because you just relieved me of months of suffering. Looking at these pretty lips without being able to kiss it." He furrows his eyebrows, eyes on my lips. "Can I kiss you, tho? Now that we feel stupid for all these months. Damn. At least I feel."

I breathe a chuckle. "Of course! Do you think I wasn't dying to do it either?"

Next thing I know are Frank's lips pressed against mine softly, soon growing firm with confidence. His fingers run along my neck lightly, in a caring manner, dropping to trace my collarbones.

"Also," Frank breathes, pulling away; his face never moves farther than a couple of inches whilst he adjusts his position, lying down beside me on the mattress. "Maybe it's wrong to say and I've always tried to say it in a subtle manner, but–" his eyes meet mine, "–you've got the body of a goddess! Like, dunno, sometimes you comment about not having an 'ideal', skinny body, but you're just so perfect," he groans, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

"Frank!" I tap on his back lightly. It's not that I don't like what he said – no, damn, it sends my heart fluttering, this warmth taking over my chest –, but is it really the truth? I didn't think it was possible for anyone to tell me this.

"No, I'm telling the truth!" Frank grins. "Like, your thighs and all. I just want to squeeze and bite you! Not in a bad way, I mean." I must give him a funny look because of how flustered he grows, tongue playing with his lip ring as he looks away. "There's a lot to unpack, fuck, I thought it was obvious how I always sit there gazing at you and shit, but..."

"Likewise." I glare playfully, making him chuckle.

"Y'know–" Frank smiles lazily, "–this is the best birthday I've ever had, by far." He brushes his lips against mine softly, watching me through half lidded eyes. "Never knew you'd actually like me back. Never believed it was possible, to be honest."

"I never cogitated you like me," I breathe.

"Well, okay," he says, "we've already gotten through this. I think we should focus on now."

"I'm not the one who keeps bringing back past thoughts!" I chuckle at how he pouts, scowling funnily.

"Shut up, shut up, I get it!" Frank rolls his eyes and presses his lips to mine before I can say anything, having me smiling against the kiss until returning it, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him closer. Now that we've finally kissed, keeping our lips off each others' feels almost impossible – letting go of each other feels almost impossible. "God fucking damnit," he groans under his breathe, moving to press kisses down my jaw, soon reaching my neck.

A sigh escapes my lips at the kisses, though it turns into quiet pleased sounds at the feeling of his teeth pulling at my skin and sometimes closing around it, sucking on it whilst all I can bring myself to do is tugging onto his hair. Suddenly, however, feeling his hands traveling down to my hips and squeezing them makes me gasp, probably reacting a bit more than I intended.

"What?" Frank pulls away at the same moment, eyes wide. "Did I do something wrong? Please– Damn, I'm so sorry!"

"N-No, no," I finally bring myself into speaking up, feeling my cheeks burn bright red. "I, um, I actually... liked it. A lot. Sorry if I scared you, I just wasn't expecting it. I don't mind, really," I insist as he continues looking at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"You sure?"

"Yeah!" I smile, bringing him for a quick kiss before he's trailing down my neck again.

Frank's hands go down my body, experimentally at first and then squeezing my hips again, receiving another reaction this time, including just a soft gasp as I push my hips up – a shiver runs down my spine with it, a nice one. Fuck.

"Damn..." Frank breathes, hands running down to my thighs then up again to slide under my shirt. "It's a bit early, maybe–" he shrugs, looking at me, "–but... is it okay if..."

Holy hell. "Of course," I say without thinking much – he continues to stare, so I nod.

"Fuck yeah," he mutters, lips against mine for a few seconds before he's pulling my shirt over my head and the expression on his face carries such admiration that I can't help but to feel embarrassed for a moment. He never lets me cover myself, nonetheless, hands flying to my waist to hold firmly onto it as he's pressing kisses from my stomach to my hip. "No, seriously–" he sits up again, "–how can someone be so perfect?" He seems to be talking mostly to himself, getting rid of his shirt.

"Dunno." I grin. "How does it feel to be so perfect, baby?"

Frank exhales shakily. "You'll be the death of me and I ain't even joking." He presses a kiss to my collarbone, starting to nibble down at the skin again, trailing down to my chest, lips sometimes lingering over my breasts – sure as hell he leaves a few marks behind, considering how invested he gets.

Something tells me he doesn't know what to focus on. His hands never stay in the same place for too long, going down my thighs then trailing up to my waistband, up my torso, and then he repeats it.

"C'mon," I mutter, placing his hands on my waistband. He's a bit hesitant, but quickly undoes the buttons and starts pulling it down – I help him, kicking the pants away in the end.

A string of curses slip past Frank's lips as he quickly gets rid of his jeans too and, when coming back, he kneels down between my legs this time, spreading them apart. Our lips are yet again locked in a kiss, different from the others, more heated up and urgent this time as we hold onto each other. I play with the hair on the back of his neck and tug onto it instead at the feeling of his hands around my ass, groping.

"Frank, damn," I breathe quietly for a second we pull apart and, opposite to earlier, he gets the hint and does it again, humming against my lips. Once he stops groping, his hands just run along my skin, up and down my body, sometimes lingering. The most lovesick look decorates his face when he pulls away. My heart.

I place my hands on Frank's shoulders as I sit up, changing our positions. He observes me with wide eyes and I smile at him before pressing kisses to his neck, leaving behind a hickey before I can go lower and lower until my fingers are around the waistband of his boxers and I pause, looking up at him, and continue after he nods.

Frank's already half hard, a breath hitching in his throat as, after discarding his boxers, I assume my previous position.

Even if it's not the first time I've done that, this nervousness still lies under my skin as I wrap a hand around him, pumping him lightly before wrapping my lips around the head experimentally. He breathes sharply.

Only halfway through it that I allow myself to look up at Frank, pausing for a moment after finding out he's been watching, propped up on his elbows, eyes focused on me and jaw slack, but I don't look away, hollowing my cheeks instead and watching him break under my gaze, letting go of all the tension for a second.

I repeat the motions a few times and pull away, licking up along the underside, around the tip, and he's suddenly pulling me away – eyes wide and face flushed this time.

Frank mumbles something I can't quite understand, but it doesn't really matter. He moves closer, both of us soon assuming the position we were in minutes ago, pressed against each other. Now, he removes my underwear and his hand slips between us, however.

Pleasure is sent ringing up my spine at the feeling of Frank's fingers slipping past my lips, quickly finding my clit and wasting no time on working his thumb on it while a couple of fingers tease my entrance. Moans just escape my throat easily after he breaks the kiss, mouthing his way until the inside of one of my thighs – he bites and sucks on the skin there. His tongue is suddenly there, then, against my clit, working around it before being replaced by his lips and my vision goes fucking blank when I can feel him sucking on it.

"Fuck," Frank curses once pulling away, moving to frantically rummage through the nightstand's drawer; I groan at the loss of touch, pushing my hips up into nothing.

Hearing the sound of foil being torn makes me understand what's happening, and I watch him rush to slip the condom on, giving us a moment to catch our breath before he's positioning himself, a hand on my hip whilst another holds himself up.

"Tell me if there's something wrong, okay?" he asks slowly, "I'll stop right away. Don't be afraid."

"Same to you," I say softly, cupping his face to pull him for a soft, quick kiss.

Frank smiles with a nod and looks down before I can feel him against my entrance, pushing in slowly. I wrap my arms around his shoulders tightly, feeling his chest vibrate against mine with the low moan coming from him, replaced by a sigh once he sinks in completely. He starts moving right away, hips jerking experimentally before attaining a heavy and slow pace which doesn't last long due to how needy we are already.

I gasp at how he thrusts in harder, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to hold him close and having my legs around his hips, instinctively.

Curses and praises are breathed into my ear among moans, somehow making the pleasure pool down in my lower stomach even more intensely, summed up to feeling his hands groping on my ass again, fingers sinking into the skin.

"You're just so perfect, (y/n)," he babbles, "and even better that now you're all mine."

Suppressing a louder moan turns out to be impossible at the feeling of Frank's hips reaching a certain angle and, soon, the answer I had in my slips away from my grasp and all there's left is just how good he feels. I travel a hand up to his hair, remembering how he reacted to it earlier, and tug on it in a form of response, though also wanting to hear how pathetically he moans at it.

"'M gonna cum," I manage to say before being cut off by a moan, arching my back.

"Me too, babe," he groans, "almost there."

Frank pauses, adjusting himself so a hand is under my thigh and another on the mattress for major support and his thrusts are suddenly harsher. I throw my head back at the same time, holding onto him tightly, and it doesn't take long for all the pleasure that had been building up so far to unravel at once – it apparently triggers the same on him, considering how tight his grasp gets whilst a higher pitched moan comes from him.

Coming down from the high, I feel almost numb, in a good way. Frank pulls away and I'm only aware of him when he's lying down next to me, both of us breathing heavily and unable to do anything aside from staring at the ceiling for a long moment.

"Damn, I love you so much, so much," he mumbles again.

I breathe a chuckle, feeling him cuddling up to me, arms wrapped around me. "And I love you, dumbass." I press a kiss to his head.

"My girlfriend now, right?" he asks. "Nevermind, you don't get to choose." He chuckles, though it quickly dies down. "Just kidding, okay? Tell me to and I'll fuck off."

I laugh, still breathless. "Of course I am. I didn't confess for nothing."

[adhdeancas]

Hm, mommy issues anybody? Daddy issues anybody? Yeah. Let’s unpack that a little. Not a lot.

Dean runs his hand up the back of his head, feeling the soft spikes of his haircut. It was a stupid tic he’d picked up in his teens, it usually made girls melt. The sensitive guy, the nervous guy, the guy who’s eager to please. It made him look vulnerable. Girls liked that. He started catching himself on it and stopping when he got into his twenties. 

His phone buzzes. He looks at it quickly, ignoring the stupid clench in his heart that comes with the action.

One New System Update Available: Install Now?

He sighs and turns it off.

---

Long hours in the car are usually… uneventful. Full of all kinds of empty time that frankly? Dean likes. It’s a nice break from the constant weird noises of sketchy motel rooms with paper-thin walls, from the creaking pipes in the bunker. Mostly, it’s a break from thinking about whatever batshit depressing problems they have up their ass that week. 

But this time? The open road is endless, like a really shitty, really boring acid trip. A fucking infinity of his ankle cramping up on the side roads. And Sam always gives him the stink eye when he reaches for his phone, so he can’t even do that. He does make pit stops more often than usual, so he doesn’t crawl out of his own skin, and his glares keep Sam from mentioning it. Maybe he just thinks he’s got the shits. He’ll let him keep thinking that.

At least on the pot he can check his phone.

But time and time again, he lays down a loud paper cover that doesn’t do much to cover up the griminess of the seat and sits down, and unlocks his phone. He waits until he’s fully in the stall to do it, even though he could end the suspense the second he puts Baby in park. Maybe he knows what the answer is gonna be.

What the answer always is.

No New Messages. 

He sighs. Story of his life.

---

Sam snatches his phone next time it buzzes in the cup holder before Dean can even reach for it. Dean opens his mouth to gripe, but his stomach ties itself in a knot anyway. He doesn’t know whether he wants it to be… or whether he’s dreading it. 

“Who is it?” he tries to say it casually. It sounds forced to him, but Sam doesn’t notice. 

“Cas,” he’s got this dopey little smile on his face, and Dean feels his face heat up. For no goddamn reason, it’s not like-

“Why’re you- what’s up? Anything wrong?” Dean knows Sam would’ve said right away if something was wrong, but he wants his brother to spit it out already, and Sam looks like the cat that got the cream. That means he’s about to try to be funny. 

“Nah, nah.” Sam grins again, glancing away from the phone finally. 

“Well then put it down, Nosy, what the fuck,” He’s already seen the text, whatever it is, so it’s no use, but Dean bristles anyway. It’s not like Cas would’ve sent him anything actually embarrassing, right? What was the last thing they were talking about… the best roadside pancakes? Yeah, so, it couldn’t be anything weird. Well, it’s Cas, so it could always be something weird. But nothing incriminating. Hell, Sam’s accidentally opened a nude a girl sent him one time so it’s not like it could be worse than that. Not like Cas is sending him nudes. Dean cracks a grin at the thought of what a thirst trap would look like for Cas. Probably him in a, like, half unbuttoned button up laid out in a library chair. Maybe a book in hand. An angel blade. The weapon! Not-

“He just- he just wanted to update you on where he is in Gilligan’s Island.” There’s a laugh in Sam’s voice, and Dean wants to know why. Probably just the way Cas described it, he always finds this certain way of saying things that’s just… kinda endearing and kinda confusing.

“He’s watching without me? Son of a bitch!” 

Sam smirks. “Yeah, he and Jack. Jack finished Pirates of the Carribean and he wanted more island stuff.”

Dean shakes his head. “Motherfuckers…”

Sam rolls his eyes. “You want me to text him back for you?”

Dean rolls his shoulders out. “It’s fine, I’ll just do it at the next stop.”

They pull into the next gas station and Dean doesn’t look at his phone again until he’s hidden. 

---

Because Sam is a nosy bitch, he asks. Well that, and he’s really tired of the car ride taking twice as long with all the stops they’re making. Dean’s usually a ‘pee in a bottle and don’t pitch a fit’ kind of driver, himself included (Sam’s scarred for life at this point), but now? It’s like they’re traveling with a six year old kid, stopping every hour.

The third stop in Oklahoma alone, he stops Dean. “Okay, do we need to go to the hospital?”

Dean quirks his eyebrows and frowns. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

He’s got a clue what they’re talking about.

Sam bitches with his whole face. “We’ve been stopping every four fucking feet for days now, so you’re either dying and we need to go to the ER and get an endoscopy, or-

“An endoscope who?”

Sam doesn’t take the bait. Shocker. “Dean.”

Dean rolls his eyes and tries to bypass him. Sam is smarter than he looks. They grab his phone. “Sammy!” This time the word’s annoyed, a warning. Like he used to say right before he really viciously wrestled Sam to the ground and pried the last cookie out of his delicate little hands when they were kids.

Unfortunately, Sam has a height and reach advantage. He holds the phone up and Dean doesn’t have a chance unless- Dean punches him in the stomach. Sam makes a winded noise but manages to keep his arm raised. He glares harder. “You’re gonna talk to me, or you’re not getting this back.”

God, they’re a bitch. “Fine, fuck you. I’ll shit the old fashioned way.” Dean saunters off to the horrifically artificial lights of the gas station, a middle finger waving back just for his little bro. 

 When he gets back, Sam’s looking much more compassionate. It’s worse. “Dean, why are you so obsessed with your phone? What’re you waiting on?”

Dean rolls his eyes and gets in his car, leaving Sam to follow him. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, dude, I’m just making sure I don’t miss any texts from Mom,” He jams the key into the ignition and steps on the gas. Sam’s door snaps the rest of the way shut with the sudden force and they yelp. “Oh, don’t be a drama queen.”

“You’re the dramatic one right now, Dean.” Sam raises his eyebrows, condescension dripping off his expression. “Did she say she’d text soon?”

“Nope.” Dean shrugs. “Just making sure. It’s kinda my fault she died and then came back to life in a world she didn’t understand; least I can do is pick up the damn phone.”

Sam sighs. “Dean, she’s not gonna freak out if you don’t answer right away. Unclench, man.”

“Unclench?” Dean’s hands tighten on the wheel. “Fuck off, Sam, I’m fine!”

There’s a tense silence. Dean finally starts to think he’s given up this stupid argument, but then Sam shifts in his seat. “She’s not Dad, Dean. She’s gonna come back.”

Dean bites the inside of his cheek. “Never said she was. And Dad always came back.”

“Dean-”

“Sam, just drop it, please-”

“I know how hard it is-” 

Dean’s harsh laugh cuts the car into silence again. Sam’s got that kicked puppy look on his face, Dean knows it, and he forces his shoulder to relax before talking. “Look, Sammy, I appreciate it and all but- you have no fucking clue what it’s like for your parent to just fucking… ignore you.”

“I grew up with Dad too, Dean. Hell, he lied to me until I was like 6, he ran out on both of us all the time; I never knew where he was, he never told me where he was going-”

“Yeah, well, he always picked up the phone for you, didn’t he?” Dean lets out a harsh breath and changes lanes just for something to do with his hands. 

“He’d stay out for weeks no matter how much I called-”

“Yeah, but he answered. He answered when you called, when you texted, to tell you when he’d be home or to tell you to fuck off and stop calling, but he’d answer.” Dean wipes at his eyebrow. He doesn’t care about this shit. He doesn’t fucking care. “Dad called me when he wanted to talk to me,” then Dean corrects himself “-when he wanted to tell me something. So excuse me… if I get a little antsy. But you- you don’t get it at all.” Dad and Mom, they both left him. Both ditched him as soon as they could and never looked back. Not until they needed him to hunt something. And he got it, he did. But just because he understood didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed. And just because he was pissed didn’t mean he didn’t want them to call. Expect them or hope them to text, just to check in. Something more than coordinates and a link to a news article. 

He wants someone to care about him. And fuck if that isn’t the saddest thing anybody’s ever heard. 

“Dean…” 

It’s been a full five minutes, and Dean’s been waiting for Sam to bring it back up again, to not let this stupid thing go. “What?” he says sullenly.

Sam holds the phone up so Dean can see the screen without taking his eyes totally off the road. It’s a video, and he sees Cas awkwardly holding the camera away from him, two heads of blonde hair behind him. Sam taps the play arrow. 

“Hello, Dean.” Jack waves behind him with his usual energy, and Cas looks incredibly fond. “I’m here with Jack and your mother-”

“Mary,” Mary corrects. She crosses her arms uncomfortably, but her expression is soft. 

“Mary.” Cas repeats. “I decided to invite her to come by before you and Sam got back- that is, if you’re still coming back today. Sam has been telling me that you’re not going as fast as usual, and while I do appreciate you finally gaining some self-preservation-”

Dean rolls his eyes at the smiling jab. 

“- I do hope you’ll get back tonight. Mary has requested we order pizza and chicken wings, and I got the kind you like- the Mango Habenero, but-”

“No promises they’ll be here tomorrow!” Mary calls out jokingly. Sam’s grinning behind the phone now. 

“Hurry home! I miss you!” Jack adds sincerely.

The camera turns back toward Cas fully for a moment, and he holds it way too close to his face. “Yes. I- We- just stay safe. And stop worrying. And iHop is superior to Waffle House.”

There’s a rustling noise and then the video cuts off. Sam is grinning smugly from the passenger seat. Dean raises his eyebrows. “So you’ve been updating Cas about me?”

Sam shrugs. “We snapchat.”

“You what?”

“I send him pictures of you when you’re looking really constipated.” Sam clarifies unhelpfully. “Cas and I like to think up reasons for why you’re mad this time- avocado toast, streaks on the windshield when you try to wipe it at the gas station, that one piece of hair that does the weird-”

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Dean snaps. “Wait, what about my hair?”

Sam laughs. “Just drive, Dean. For the wings.”

Dean frowns and pushes Baby faster. Well… now he doesn’t have to stop so much.

He makes Sam pee in a bottle next time he has to go.

[knjoodles]

learn to love; jungkook | 04

pairing: teacher!jungkook x singleparent!reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 3.5K

summary: raising your daughter alone while simultaneously watching your ex-husband live the life of his dreams away from the two of you hurts. badly. it hurts a little less, though, when you find an unlikely friend while looking for help.

lowercase intended.

psst! this chapter is a game-changer AND has a character named after one of my followers! i hope she sees it and enjoys it. 💞

01 | 02 | 03 

   your alarm clock woke you, it’s piercing siren startling your eyes wide. groaning and fluttering your eyes to adjust to the sudden morning rays warming your somnolent face, you glared at the flashing red numbers across from you, reading a proud eight a.m. “fuck,” you mumbled, sinking your head into your pillow. your head pounded sparingly as you buried your head further, your attempt at drowning out the gentle pain failing.

    what had happened last night? nothing devastating. you're not one to irrationally act out; you always think about seyoung first. the last thing you can recall is throwing your shoes off and bag to the floor and essentially passing out on your bed after attending a team dinner. your days never seem to end, it just feels as though you have small pockets of time to breathe in between your busy schedule. when your five-minute break is up, though, it's back to work.

    you slowly arose from your cozy, welcoming bed and stared at the pillow sitting next to you, one that you'd clung to all night judging from its evident crumpled form in comparison to the other pillows sprawled across your bed. ouch. it sits where hoseok would lay.

    shaking your head to ensure you wouldn't have any regressive thoughts at eight in the morning, you pulled your comforter back, swinging your legs across the bed and perching comfortably on its edge. gazing at your feet, you sighed quietly, thanking the heavens it was saturday but dually cursing it for your support group session being today. you hadn't told anyone about it, not even sooyoung. this was for you, and you alone. you trudged from your bed to the master bathroom, scrubbing your teeth.

   it was at this moment that the sweet aroma of a saturday morning breakfast wafted from your kitchen to your bedroom. you inhaled it peacefully, the fragrance calming you and clearing your mind. you finally left your bedroom, shuffling towards your kitchen and living room. you silently apologized to the heavens for scolding it about the support group and thanked it once more, being reminded that you wouldn't know what to do half the time without sooyoung.

    "morning!" a voice sang from your kitchen. "i see the zombie finally decided to rise from sleep?" it chuckled, the sound of what seemed like waffles sizzling. your stomach growled at the thought of biting into one and you returned sooyoung's laugh, the patter of your daughter's feet against the tiled floor growing louder as she ran towards you. "seyoung, be careful! i don't want you slipping!"

    "it's okay, sooyoung auntie!" your daughter assured, her smaller frame finally finding you. "mom!" she giggled excitedly as she wrapped her arms around your waist, tugging affectionately. "you're finally awake!" she moaned, pulling on your large cotton shirt. "you know, i thought you died! so i called sooyoung auntie, and she told me you were alive. but i didn't believe her, so i asked her to prove it! and she told me she couldn't prove it this early in the morning. it wasn't even that early!"

    "seyoung-ah, what part of four in the morning isn't early to you?" sooyoung complained, her voice ringing through your home, body still not in view. peeking her head past a pillar separating the three of you, she scowled, annoyed, slapping another waffle onto a stack on a plate. "i was busy dreaming my dreams and this little one wakes me from my beauty sleep! at four in the morning! seyoung, if i didn't love you so much, who knows what i'd do!" she groaned. you and your daughter chuckled in unison, her small hand dragging you to the table to sit with her and sooyoung.

    "this is the first time i've made blueberry waffles, so don't expect a master chef level plate," sooyoung grinned as she placed the large pile of waffles in the middle of the table. "seyoung was okay with normal waffles up until she spotted the blueberries in the fridge. after that, she wouldn't stop tormenting me to add them in!" she joked, sitting down across from you.

    "torment?!" seyoung squealed, eyes wide, a smile cracking across her cheeks. "all i wanted was some pancakes, auntie!" she pat the table playfully, sooyoung pinching her cheek lovingly. "and, you said yes!"

    "and, i said yes," sooyoung repeated, looking over at you. "you both know i can't say no to seyoung! it's like refusing to eat a feast in front of you after you haven't eaten for days. what do you expect me to do? starve?" she jested, earning an eye roll and a grin from you. no one failed to make you laugh like your very dramatic sooyoung.

    "yeah, yeah." you bantered, serving yourself two warm pancakes. "gosh, sooyoung, these smell incredible," you gushed as you cut a piece swiftly, wanting to savor it immediately. it instantly melted in your mouth, the flavor of the warm fruit bursting into your mouth. you smiled brightly, chewing vigorously and holding up a cheerful thumbs-up. your daughter did the same, earning a giggle from sooyoung as she studied the two of you.

    "you guys look exactly alike," she murmured as she took a portion of waffle into her mouth, nibbling contentedly. swallowing, she continued, "just the same. it's like someone copy-paste in real life."

    seyoung turned to you, her face crinkled into a joyous grin. she placed her petite hand on top of yours, squeezing it tenderly. "i'm pretty, just like her! my mom is the prettiest lady in the world."

    "that she is!" sooyoung chimed in agreement, pointing her fork with a half-eaten chunk of waffle on it at seyoung. "no one can compare, except for me. i humbly accept second place, madam (y/n)." she bowed teasingly.

    "no, seyoung, you're the prettiest! and what about yebin? she's pretty too, right?" as much as you hated mentioning yebin, you knew you had to encourage seyoung to form a relationship with her 'step-mom'. you had to be the bigger person and you have to ignore the urge to scream at her every time you see her face. that's what being an adult is. hiding your feelings and pretending that you're generally okay.

    "eh," seyoung dragged, filling her mouth with a large piece of waffle. "not as pretty as you," she assured between chews. "yebin's scary when she takes off her makeup." her unintentional attack on yebin prompted sooyoung to sputter in amusement, bursting into laughter.

    "you're even starting to talk like your mom!" sooyoung exclaimed, resting her head on the table to mask her cackling. "i can't," she gasped, throwing her head back and covering her mouth. "you guys are getting more and more alike every day!"

    you smiled at your excited daughter, who was now drawing a large smiley face using maple syrup on her plate. admiring your best friend cackling in front of you and your daughter being undeniably herself, you sat contempt, knowing life was good for the time being.

    "next time?" sooyoung started as she slipped on her shoes, her purse dangling from her shoulder. "call me. if you ever need an extra hand around here, i'll come as soon as i can. promise you'll call?"

    "promise." you reassured, nodding politely. seyoung hovered behind you waving to her beloved aunt as she departed. "thanks for the breakfast and lunch, soo. you know i couldn't have done it without you." you dart your head around to spot your daughter, finding her peering behind your leg. "seyoung, say bye to sooyoung!"

    "bye, sooyoung auntie! come back soon! i want to make chocolate pancakes next!" seyoung called as sooyoung walked to her uber. "please come back!" seyoung repeated hesitantly, "i won't wake you up early again!"

    "good." sooyoung nodded, climbing into the passenger seat. "i'll see you monday, (y/n)! enjoy your weekend." sooyoung closed the door of the car and the uber sped off, you and your daughter lingering in your front lawn until she was out of sight.

    "what are we gonna do today, mommy?" seyoung turned to you, eyes full of curiosity.

    "well, i wanted to keep it a surprise, but i may or may not have scheduled a sleepover for you and ailee!" you exclaimed, grabbing your daughter's hands excitedly.

    "a sleepover?!" she squeaked, ecstatic as ever. "a sleepover with ailee!" seyoung jumped up and down, her pigtails swaying. "thank you, mommy, thank you!" she followed you inside, slipping off her sandals. you glanced at the clock, noting that it was currently around two o'clock.

    "ailee's mom expects us at four, so go and get ready! i'll drop you off." you smiled, leading her towards her bathroom.

    "you're not staying? even for a little bit?" seyoung turned, pouting. "why? are you not friends with ailee's mom?"

    "no, no, ailee's mom and i are still friends! mommy just has a lot of work to do." you reasoned, crouching down to eye-level with your daughter. "i wish i could stay, baby, but duty calls!"

    "okay," she replied half-dejectedly, waddling into her room to fetch her clothes to shower. you felt relieved your daughter hadn't tried to pry. you were just getting help for the two of you.

    seyoung, excited as ever to finally have reached ailee's house, practically leaped out of her car seat and beelined towards the door. you dashed after her, finding it difficult to keep track of locking your car and your wild daughter all at once. "seyoung-ah!" you called sternly, making her almost immediately stop and apologize profusely. after assuring her that she didn't make any large mistake, you took her by the hand and led her to the front door, making sure she walked confidently next to you — a tip you'd read in a parenting journal.

    the door swung open as excited squeals sounded from either side, ailee and seyoung basically grabbing each other to hug tightly. chuckling at the two running off to play, seyoung's backpack still in your hand, you glanced at ailee's mother, mai. "they're really excited, huh?" she exclaimed, watching them clamber up the stairs. "here, let me take that," she offered.

    "of course!" you replied, placing the bag in her hand. "i can't thank you enough for taking seyoung in today. i would've called her nanny, but today was so busy, and —"

    "it's no issue," mai interrupted, smiling assuringly. "we all know how hard you work. and after you alone juggled both of our kids after my husband's accident, well," she turned, making sure your kids weren't there. "it's the least i could do. do you want to come in? i can get some coffee going,"

    "i'd love to, but i can't," you explained. "i've got a meeting of sorts to get to soon. i'll pick seyoung up around ten tomorrow?" you asked, adjusting the sleeve of your sweater.

    "that works perfectly. call me if there's anything important!" she called, waving to you as you departed towards your car.

    "likewise!" you responded, waving politely and climbing into your car, waiting until their front door shut. why did you always find yourself on the verge of losing it in this exact position? in front of mai's house, in your car, right in front of the wheel. and, mimicking the way you always react to these situations, you rubbed the leather of your steering wheel, stopping yourself from resting your forehead against the horn and letting it ring until you felt satisfied. it was time to go to that potential shitshow of a support group, and you didn't know how to feel. pain? fear?

    you thought your divorce from hoseok would be the worst you've ever felt. and granted, it partially was, but at least you were sure of yourself. sure that you didn't want anything to do with this anymore, regardless of how much you loved him. but now? you didn't even know if you wanted this. the worst feeling to you was clear now; it was uncertainty, because uncertainty can corrode you and all your confidence in ways nothing else can.

    and, again mimicking the way you always react to these situations, you pressed the gas and drove, preparing yourself for both the worst and the best.

    the community center was cold. that was your first thought.

    dozens of people filed into the large auditorium, all trying to catch a glimpse of the one directory they offered to guide attendees to their respective support groups. after standing on your toes for what felt like hours, you finally read, 'divorcees and widow(er)s support group, room 613'. you found your place to go, but did you really want to walk into that room?

    there that uncertainty went again, eating away at your confidence like a parasite.

    you have to go, you reasoned to yourself it's not just for you, it's for seyoung. she'll catch on to what's going on eventually, you can't let her see you weak! with the reminder of seyoung fresh in your mind, you took the elevator to the sixth floor and searched thoroughly for room 613.

    "excuse me?" a voice asked from behind you, startling you. "are you lost? 'cause i am, too."

    you snorted at their comment, turning around to face them fully. a tall, muscular man stood in front of you, voice deep, hair slicked back handsomely. "oh," you muttered, stepping back to make eye contact more comfortably. "yeah, you could say i'm lost," you nodded, darting your head to either side of the hallway. "i'm looking for room 613. do you know where that is?"

    "613? i'm headed there myself," he replied awkwardly. the two of you stood together silently, both not knowing what to say in panicked silence. "i, uh, i'm park chanyeol." he introduced himself bluntly, offering his hand.

    hesitating, you finally took his hand, shaking it firmly, the way you do with customers or partners. "i'm (y/n) (l/n)." you responded.

    "(y/n) (l/n)," he repeated, looking towards the ceiling. "that sounds familiar, do i know you?"

    you cringed internally. one of the reasons you became a producer was to avoid being recognized in public, to avoid the constant attention, to avoid the all-eyes-on-you treatment artists are forced to undergo. so, as a result, when someone does recognize your name, you get a sudden urge to become a hermit. "long story short, i'm a producer."

    "ah, i see." chanyeol replied, hearing the hint of apprehension in your voice. "well, (y/n) (l/n), we're in the same boat, so let's find the room together." thankful he understood your tone, you set off with chanyeol, trekking across the hallway to find the infamous room 613. to your annoyance and surprise, the room seemed to be hidden away from the rest of the hallway, and out of numerical order.

    chanyeol opened the door for you and let the both of you in. room 613 was larger than what you expected; the room seemed to be at least three times as big as the other rooms, with many people filling up seats and talking amongst themselves. you didn't expect this many people to ever show up to a support group, but you stood corrected. not knowing where to go, you glanced at chanyeol, who motioned for the two of you to head over to the tables supervisors had set up, which were lined with water and general snacks.

    pouring two plastic cups of water for the both of you, you looked again at chanyeol, who was tapping his foot on the floor, glancing at the clock restlessly. "hey," you started, immediately getting his full attention. "tell me about yourself, chanyeol."

        a small silence between the two of you.

    "but, only if you're comfortable!" you stammered, hoping, praying that you didn't push any buttons within the first hour of meeting someone.

    he laughed at your uneasiness, dimples revealing themselves. "it's no big deal. uh, my wife and i recently divorced after i caught her cheating on me. is this it? is this the sharing thing they wanted us to do?"

    you chuckled, amused. "yeah, i think it is. and, it's a small world; the exact thing happened to me, but with my husband. do you have any kids? i have a daughter."

    "thankfully no," chanyeol answered, now visibly more comfortable. "we were planning on it, but that was before she cheated on me,"

    you nodded, understanding where he's coming from. you never told hoseok, but you'd always wanted to have a son with him alongside seyoung. and, like chanyeol, you never got there because of someone else's mistake. "i'm sorry you had to go through that." you sympathized.

    "i just need this to finally get over everything. i'm sorry you had to go through that too, especially because you have a daughter," he stated, caressing the back of his neck. "hey, if you can do it, so can i, right?"

    "yeah. and if you can do it, so can i." you repeated, smiling at him. the two of you shared a laugh at your new paired saying as the facilitator called everyone to the circle of chairs in the middle of the room, asking everyone to take a seat. you and chanyeol sat side-by-side, the both of you somewhat relieved that you weren't in this completely alone. at least there was someone who gets how you're feeling and just how painful it can be.

    "hi, everyone!" the facilitator's voice echoed through the room, loud, clear, and confident. "my name is lee chaerin, and i'll be the 'leader', if you will, of today's support group! a reminder, in case some of you are unsure, this is the divorcee, widow, and widower support group. if you're in the wrong room, please consult the new directory outside!" she announced. as a few people shuffled quietly out of the room to find their place elsewhere, she clasped her hands together. "again, my name is lee chaerin. i'm a trained psychologist and have been studying psychology for nearly twelve years at this point. cool, huh? my hope for this support group is that i help all of you heal, even if it's just a little. i want to make sure that all of you are okay, and can help each other while helping yourself!" she rested her hands on her hips and smiled, sighing contentedly. "i know that no one really wants to do this, but it's important. let's all go around the room and introduce ourselves, what we do, what happened, and what you hope to gain from this support group! after this, we'll split into groups to share our in detail stories and learn from each other. sounds like a plan? great."

    that type of introduction was a nightmare in reality. ever since you were ten you despised introducing yourself that way, and today, once married with a daughter, you feel the same way. some things never change.

    you weren't allowed to reach for your phone for the next two hours. they say that phones ruin the human experience because they allow an escape from awkward or undesirable situations. whoever 'they' are, they sure as hell are right.

    you tried your best to pay attention to everyone's name and goals for the group. you wanted to, but with the number of people surrounding you and how much was on your mind, it was tiring to listen past their occupation.

    "hi everyone, i'm youngjae," the conventional 'hi, youngjae' sounded from the group in a monotone state, defining the core of everyone's mood at this point of the support group. "i'm a songwriter for jyp entertainment, and my goal is to heal so i can focus on my job. my wife and i divorced after some internal issues." youngjae motioned to the man sitting next to him, nodding in his direction.

    not that you'd know, though. you were staring at your feet.

    "hi, everyone, my name is jeon jungkook." a man's voice stated, making your head shoot up from the ground. the sudden movement made his eyes dart towards yours, and the two of you sat frozen, only seeing each other, eyes locked. "i'm a teacher, and my goal is to stop thinking about her every day so i can move on." his voice became audibly quieter, but it didn't matter. the room was dead silent, anyway.

    you couldn't even hold your mouth open. your jaw and chest tightened. you didn't expect him to be here.

    you broke eye contact to eye his hands, his index finger and thumb of his right hand seemingly toying with a ring that was no longer there.

    a ring that was no longer there.

    your eyes met again. the air was tense and suffocating; the panic that filled only the two of you created an atmosphere only you and jungkook could feel.

    he broke eye contact, his glance now on his lap. his voice now barely a whisper, he spoke, still loud enough for you to hear. "i lost my wife in a car accident about a year ago. she was hit by a truck while she was coming home to me."

—

tag list:

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[amazingmaeve]

I Missed you - Michael Gray

Masterlist

Summary: You and Henry knew each other since you were kids, then you started dating. One day you were on the way to his house to tell him you were pregnant. But he wasn’t there.

Disclaimer: This is my first time writing for the Peaky Blinders. I’ve only seen 4 seasons. And only some scenes from season 4. Also might make a part two.

Pairing: Micheal Gray

Warnings: Swearing

You and Henry have always been close when you guys were younger. But then puberty hit you like a train and you started dating him. He was your first everything. You loved him and he loved you. Or so you thought.

You went to his to tell you were pregnant. You were happy and nervous. You didn’t know how Henry would react to this news. You hoped he’d be as happy as you.

Once you were at his house you were surprised to find he had left and didn’t tell you. You asked his ‘mother’ and she said that he went to go find his real mom. She didn’t tell you were he went.

After that you went home to go cry into your pillow. You thought he’d at least write but a month later on your eighteenth birthday you haven’t received one.

You were 4 months pregnant and told your parents about the baby which turned out to be twins.

A boy and a girl.

Your parents forced you to marry a guy that’s 30 and his name was Jerry. You didn’t like him that much but it could have been worse.

Now 2 years later you being 20 and your kids being almost 2 years old. Your marriage hasn’t been going well. He treated you like crap but luckily he barely talked to the kids.

He had been sent to Birmingham for his job and you were going with him. You weren’t complain though you hated your village and couldn’t wait to leave.

You had went to go look for a job and your husband didn’t like the sound of that. He said. ‘I’m the man of the house and I should be providing for you’, which you only rolled your eyes at. You really didn’t care what he thought. You had seen a job as secretary for someone named Thomas Shelby or someone who worked for him. He seemed very powerful and dangerous. You didn’t care you just wanted to make money and provide for your kids.

You sat down on one of the chairs with your hands folded after you had the interview with Mr. Shelby. God you hoped you got the job you didn’t make impresssion. But hopefully it was good enough.

“Y/n,” She heard someone call her name but the voice didn’t sound like Mr. Shelbys. She looked up and her jaw dropped.

“H-Henry,” you gasped as you saw the father of your children here. God he looked so much different. His hair the way he dressed. Hell even the way he walked towards you was different. He was radiating confidence.

“It’s actually Michael now,” He corrected with a smile on his face. “I found my birth mother”

“Yes I know I heard it from someone else,” You snapped at him anger in the pit of your stomach. God you missed him but you hated him as well. He opened his mouth to say something but he caught the ring on your finger.

“You’re married,” He said with a shocked look on his face. You rolled your eyes and stood up with your arms crossed around your chest.

“Not by choice,” you snapped at him a second time. Before he could say something a cough from behind you. You turned around to see Thomas Shelby standing there.

“Good you two met,” Thomas said while rubbing his jaw. “Michael meet your secretary”

You let an annoyed sigh out. Of cours it had to be him you were working for. You don’t know how you can see him every day. Or run into him with your kids.

“Unless you guys don’t want that”, Thomas said as he had a confused look on his face. You nodded before leaving the building with tears running down your face.

You didn’t know what to do.

~~~~~

You looked down at the food you were making as you thought about everything. Michael. You should tell him. One side of your brain said and the other said he left you don’t tell him. You looked up at the kitchen table and saw your two kids. You smiled at Alexandra and Henry were drawing. You named your son after his father even though you hated him he gave you the two things that kept you going. And Alexandra was named after your grandmother who died a few years back.

Your husband wasn’t here though probably at the pub getting drunk and having sex with someone. A knock on your door snapped you out of your gaze. You dusted off your apron and went to go open the door. When you opened the door you saw Michael standing there.

“Hen- Michael,” You almost said Henry which would have been bad since your son would have come running. “What are you doing here,” You said looking at the ground not meeting his beautiful eyes.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Michael smiled at you. “Is your husband home,” He asked as there was jealousy laced in his voice you rolled his eyes.

“He’s probably at the pub,” You clarified annoyance evident in your voice.

“Well can I come in,” Michael asked after a few second of staring at each other. Before you could decline you heard the kids running up to you.

“Mommy,” They yelled as they hugged each of your legs with smiles in their voices. You could see the wheels turning in Michaels head as he looked at the kids in shock. You knew that he knew that they were his. They inherited his eyes and hair color.

“Mommy,” Michael repeated after a few minutes of silence.

You closed the door on him wanting to avoid the confrontation or at least not argue in front of your kids. You hoped he would knock on the door again as you tried to catch your breath.

You felt tugs on your legs and saw the twins looking up at you with smiles on their faces. “You okay mommy,” Henry asked. Even though he was almost two he was very protective of you.

“I’m fine sweet heart,” You said with a smile on your face as you bent down to pick them up. “Just a friend from the pasts,” you told them as they played with the necklace on your neck. The necklace you received from Michael on your sixteenth birthday. “Come on dinners almost done,” you said as you carried them to the kitchen.

~~~~~

On his way to his mothers house, Michael couldn’t help but feel bad that he had left when you were pregnant. He hadn’t contacted you because he didn’t want you to get hurt and now he doesn’t know what to do. As he reaches the door of his mothers house he could hear everyone talking and forgotten that they had a family meeting tonight to talk business.

As he walked in the room he could feel everyone’s eyes on him.

“Took you long enough,” Arthur broke the silence annoyance laced his voice. Michael rolled his eyes going to take a seat next to his mother. Who gave him a smile.

“Good now that everyone’s here we can get started,” Tommy coughed and started talking.

Even though it was rude but Michael ignored his cousin as his thoughts were resirved for you and his children he didn’t know he had. He didn’t know what to do and was kind of scared of being a father.

“Michael,” Polly snapped her son out of his daze he lifted his head to meet everyone staring at him. “You okay,” She asked concerned for her son.

“Was it your hot new secretary,” John smirked at his cousin hearing from Tommy about the confritation between you and Michael. Esme smacked his arm which John looked at her with a confused look on his face. “What”

Michael rolled his eye “Nope just a bit tired,” He lied trying not to get yelled at by his mom.

“Michael are you lying,” Polly asked her son and wondered why he was lying to her. Everyone was now invested in Michael.

“Fine she was just someone from my past,” Michael muttered. “And we were in love,” were he was still in love with you. With everything you did the color of your eyes the way you smiled and the little things you did.

“Ohh now it’s getting interesting,” Arthur shouted with a smirk on his face. Michael rolled his eyes and slightly nervous.

“I was with her when I was still Henry and the day I left I didn’t tell her and didn’t contact her. I did it to protect her from all of this,” Michael explained to his family. “But figures when I left she was pregnant,” He admitted a sigh coming out of his lips.

Everyone started at him in shock and nothing was said for a few minutes.

“Does this mean what I think it means,” Polly asked mad at her son but excited to have some grand children. Michael nodded.

“My god first Charolette then your secretary”, Arthur grumbled surprised at the turn of events.

“So what are you going to do,” Tommy asked letting the smoke out of his mouth looking at Michael. Before Michael could even get a word out Polly interrupted him.

“He’s going to apologize to her,” Polly snapped hoping her son would do the right thing.

“Don’t worry mom I will,” Something inside him was really happy that he was a father to not one but two kids. He hoped he would be given a chance to explain his side to you tomorrow.

~~~~~

You let a breath out as you sat your desk. Even though what happened last night you still went to work. Luckily for you Michael hasn’t been in yet. You looked down at the drawing you have been working on of your two kids. As you were drawing a snapping sound broke you out of your daze. You looked up at Michael with a nervous look on your face.

“We need to talk,” His voice was laced with determination and before you could decline he was pulling you up towards his office and closed his door behind him. You let a sigh out as he walked towards you.

“What do you want,” You tried to sound confident but it all came out in a whisper.

“You know what I want,” His voice was filled with annoyance which made you roll your eyes why does he have to be angry.

“They’re not yours,” You tried to lie your self out this but it didn’t work as Michael let a puff of his cigarette with a scoff.

“Why are you lying to me,” He snapped at you.

“Well maybe it’s because you think you have a right to be in their lives after you left,” You shouted as you got up. “You left me and doing so left me broken with two kids to raise as well,” you let out a sob as you looked at the ground tears falling out of your eyes.

“Love,” Michael began to say as he got up. “I know your mad I didn’t contact you because I didn’t want you to get hurt,” His hands came up to your cheek to wipe a tear away. “And I know you’re married but I want to try to be in my kids life”, his other hand came up to your cheek and leaned his head against your forehead. “Please,” He whispered. He leant down to kiss you and you didn’t know what to do and it felt right so you kissed him back.

You let out a breath before you nodded at him after you pulled back. He didn’t know that you had decided to split from your husband last night who came in drunk and almost hit the kids but luckily you got them upstairs before you shouted at him to get out. He grabbed your arm so hard it left a mark.

“I missed you,” you muttered. He smiled down at you.

“I missed you to Love,” He gat your fore head a kiss.

Michael got a piece of paper and wrote something down you looked at him confused.

“This is my address well my moms address but when ever your ready for them to come and meet me come here,” He explained with a smile on his face. You nodded with a little smile on your face.

~~~~~

That night came a few days later. When you decided this is when your kids asked where your husband or soon to be ex husband was. And you told them that he won’t be around for a while. They weren’t mad or sad since they hadn’t gotten to know them. But you wanted them to know their father. So you got dressed up and the kids dressed up and went to the address.

“Where are we going mummy,” Alexandra asked you as you put them down at the door step of the house.

“Well we are going to meet up with a friend of mine,” You explained as you knocked on the door. It took a few minutes before Michael opened the door and when he saw you smiled.

“Y/n,” He let out a sigh happy to see the kids and you as well. “Come on in”

You led Henry and Alexandra in the house it seemed really cozy house and you liked it. He lead you to a table and you sat down.

“Henry Alex, this is Michael your father,” You introduced them. You knew it was blunt but you wanted to be honest with your kids and they looked shocked.

“But I thought Jerry was,” Henry asked with a confused look on his face you sat him down explained some of it since he was even two yet while Alexandra went to Michael.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Alexandra politely said as she held her little hand to shake Michaels. He was so happy that this interaction was going good.

“It’s nice to meet you as well,” He shook her hand.

As everyone got to talking it took a few minutes before Henry talked to Michael since he just found he was his dad. But they talked and they had a lot in common. While Alexandra kept babbling in Michaels ear about a doll she had just got as she sat on his lap. He didn’t mind he thought it was adorable. But then four women came into the house.

You assumed it was his mom and possibly his cousins.

“Oh we didn’t know you had company,” Ada said with giggle.

“Is this who I think it is Michael”, Polly said with a smile on her face. Michael nodded and you assumed that was his mom. You got up to shake her hand and introduce yourself.

“It’s nice to meet you Ms. Gray”, You politely said as you hoped she wouldn’t be mad. She pulled you to a hug as the three girls sat down on the couch.

“You can call me Polly”

[detectivejay-chuckles-halstead]

Hello Again // Jay Halstead x Reader // Pt 1?

Description: Y/N comes back in Jay’s life asking for help. But it’s been almost a decade. How much has changed since they last saw each other?

Words: 3540

Warnings: TW Domestic Violence

Pairing: Jay x Reader

A/N: I’m back! This wasn’t one of the requests, and I promise I’ll get to them once my muse is really back. This was just a quick thing that I thought up today. I’m thinking about making it into a multi-chapter. Let me know if you guys are interested in seeing where this one goes or not. Thank you all! You’re the best! Love you guys and your support!

“I’m looking for Jay Halstead,” you told the older woman standing at the desk in the 51st Precinct as you wrapped your arms across your stomach even tighter. You hoped he was there. You didn’t know where else to go. There was literally nowhere else for you to turn. It had been years since you’d seen him, wondering if he’d even recognize you. But this was your Hail Mary.

“Can I get a name?” she asked gruffly, your jaw clenching. Would he even see you?

“Just tell him it’s an old friend.” At least it seemed he was there. You didn’t let her ask anymore questions as you quickly walked to the bench and sat down. It was difficult to keep your breathing steady, to keep yourself from completely losing it. So you did the only thing a sane person would do. You bent over, sticking your head between your knees, your hands on the back of your neck. There was no describing the amount it helped, having seen Jay do it a thousand times before to calm himself down. 

You didn’t see him come down the stairs or see the woman point over to you. All you knew was the feeling of someone sitting next to you, not saying anything as he rested his hand on your back. Did he even know it was you, or was he just trying to be nice? How long you’d been sitting there was lost to you before you took a deep breath and sat up, looking at him for the first time in almost a decade. 

He still looked like the same Jay you knew. A little more worse for wear, but being a cop would do that to a man. He tensed up, but kept his hand on your back. 

“I need help, Jay,” you told him on the verge of tears again. 

He nodded as he stood up, motioning for you to follow suit. There was no hesitation, but you pulled your sleeves down a little more, gripping the cuffs of your sweater for dear life as he led you upstairs to a secluded conference room. You ignored the looks of his colleagues as he led you away from their workspace. 

“It’s been a long time, Y/N,” he told you with a sigh and look of worry as he shut the door behind the two of you.

“Yeah, well I wasn’t the one who left.”

-----

All good things come to an end. It was something you’d had to learn from an early age when your father left. Then your mother died. Then you bounced around in foster care until you were sixteen. So you shouldn’t have been surprised when the best thing in your life came to an end. 

“I have to figure out who I am, Y/N,” Jay told you, standing in the kitchen. His duffle bag was packed and sitting next to the door. It seemed like just yesterday he waltzed into your bar with it slung over his shoulder. 

“You don’t have to figure it out alone, Jay,” you countered, needing him to stay. It wasn’t a desire. Maybe early on. Now, it felt like he was the air you needed to breathe.

“I do though. Being here, being around what I’ve been doing since I got back...It’s not good. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be.” Your heart dropped, feeling like he was calling you a mistake. 

“If you’re going to leave, Jay, Just do it,” you spat. “I don’t need your explanations.”

-----

“What is it you need, Y/N?” he asked as you walked to the window, looking out. The view of the city wasn’t fantastic, but feeling the sun on your face made up for it. 

“You have to understand something, Jay,” you began, looking over at him as he leaned against the wall, arms across his chest. “If I felt like...If I had any other option…” You took a deep breath. “I didn’t know where else to go.” 

He didn’t say anything as you looked out the window again. “About three years ago, I met a guy. Jason.” You didn’t want to say his name, but knew you had to. “Things were going really good for a while. We got married...and then he changed. Drinking, drugs. I stood by him every time. Even when he made me sell the bar. A mix of paying off his debts and him not trusting me to be away from him...to be around temptation.”

You heard him sigh behind you, but you didn’t want to see the pity on his face. You’d seen it before on others. But coming from him would be a whole different story. 

“Why come to me?” he specified. You could feel your bottom lip quiver as you tried to steady yourself. 

“I tried going to the police before. I’m sure if you looked it up, you’d find at least twelve domestic disturbance calls over the past six months.” You finally brought yourself to look at him again, not seeing the pity you were used to but genuine concern. “If I stay, he’s going to end up killing me.” 

He nodded, sighing again as he rolled his shoulders. “I’m going to go get my Sergeant, bring him in on this. I’m sure we can find something to get him locked up. We’ll get you set up in a safehouse, but there’s something that comes along with that.”

“I’d do anything, Jay.” You felt bad for not mentioning the biggest factor of all, but knew it would be coming up soon. 

“You have to have absolutely no contact with him. At all. Period. If you’re serious about leaving, we can set you up with a new phone.” You nodded in agreement, looking up at the clock. “You have somewhere you need to be?”

“At three, yeah,” you answered, not giving him more than that. 

“I’ll get my partner Hailey to take you wherever you need to go. She’ll take you to the safehouse afterward. Until we get him, one of us is going to be there with you.” You nodded again. 

“Jay?” His head tilted to the side slightly, listening. “Thank you.” He gave you a small smile. 

“You stick around in here for a few minutes and I’ll send Hailey in.” You turned your attention back to the window as you heard him leave. You couldn’t help but sigh, noticing how different he was from when you first met him.

-----

The bar wasn’t as busy as it usually was, which was a nice change of pace. You’d inherited it from the last owner when he decided to retire, not having to pay a penny. All you did was promise to keep it up and running. And that’s what you’d been doing for the past three years. It was mostly regulars, until you saw someone you didn’t recognize. He looked broken down, defeated. Seeing what he was wearing made it click for you.

“What’re you drinking, Halstead?” you asked with a smirk, his green eyes meeting yours in confusion. “Stitched on your uniform.”

“Bud Light,” he answered. You turned away for just a minute to grab a bottle out of the refrigerator, popping the top off before sliding it towards him. He must have just gotten back, based on the disheveled appearance. 

“I don’t mean to be really forward, but I get off in an hour,” you told him with a smile, getting a smirk in return as he took a swig from the bottle. 

“I’ll stick around.”

-----

“Hi,” a woman called out from behind you, startling you out of your thoughts. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” You turned to look at her, figuring it must be Hailey. “I’m Hailey. Why don’t we get out of here and get you all settled?” 

You nodded in agreement, following her downstairs to a black car, the two of you sliding in the front. 

“Where we heading for this errand?” she asked. 

“Barton Elementary School,” you answered, your head leaning against the window. You honestly were relieved it was Hailey taking you to pick up your son instead of Jay. You didn’t want to talk about it with him yet, but you knew Hailey would have questions. 

“Jay doesn’t know you have a kid does he?” she finally asked after about ten minutes into the ride. You knew it would take at least another twenty to get to the school. 

“No. And I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell him. I want to be the one to talk to him about it. A lot has changed in the nine years we haven’t talked.” You could see her nod out of the corner of your eye. “I’m not a bad mom, I promise. It’s just…”

“I get it. I grew up in a similar environment. Mom’s still with Dad though. This makes you the best mom,” she assured you as you tried to keep the tears back again. “I’m going to let Kim know to bring kids clothes as well when you go inside. I’ll let her know to keep it on the down low. It’ll be mostly her and me staying with you though, if that’s okay with you?” 

“Yeah. Will Jay…?” 

“Yeah, he’ll stay with you sometimes. We just figured it would make you feel more comfortable if it was the three of us rotating staying with you. He’ll be there tonight. Just a heads up.” You just nodded again. “So, do you have a boy or a girl?”

The two of you kept up idle small talk until she pulled up in front of the building, letting you get out and go inside to get Blake. He kept talking about how good of a day it was on the way to wherever Hailey was taking the two of you, talking about his friends and all the stuff he’d learned. 

“Mommy, why are we here?” he asked, as the three of you walked up the stairs into the furnished apartment. It was definitely better than where you were living currently, so that was a plus. 

“We’re going to stay here for a while,” you answered, kneeling in front of him, holding his small hands in your own. “Jason and Mommy aren’t together anymore. So my friends are going to stay with us for a bit while I figure out what we’re going to do next.”

“Is it because Jason hits you?” he asked softly as if it was a secret. You were thankful you couldn’t see Hailey’s reaction to your son asking you this. 

“Yeah, it is buddy. But what have I always promised you?” 

“That Jason would never hurt me.” You nodded, pulling him in for a hug, kissing the top of his head.

“Why don’t I show you where your room is going to be? My friend Kim brought some toys and stuff for you to play with. And your Mommy and me are going to talk about grown-up stuff,” Hailey suggested, Blake quickly going along with it as she led him to the second bedroom, leaving you alone with your thoughts again if only for a minute.

You’d slid your sweater off, leaving you in your tank top. Bruises were very evident on your arms and chest, more hidden under the clothing. Jason always made sure to make it easy to cover up. 

“Damn, Y/N,” Hailey said as she walked back into the room, the two of you sitting on the couch. 

“I really don’t want to talk about it right now, Hailey,” you told her, resting your head in your hands, propping your elbows on your knees as you tried to just breathe. 

“He looks just like his dad,” she said, changing the topic to one you still didn’t want to talk about. But you knew you would have to. 

“Like I said before, I’m not a horrible mom,” you reiterated as you looked up at her. “I’ve given Blake everything I could. And I would have given him his dad, but we didn’t end on the greatest of terms.”

“I’m not here to judge you. Just to understand. Jay’s always wanted a family, I’m sure you know that,” she reminded you. 

“Jay and I met the night he landed back in Chicago from his last deployment. It was a whirlwind romance for six months. And one day he told me he had to figure out who he was now. The way he talked about those six months made it seem like he’d realized how much of a mistake all of it was. Not that I blame him. We’d both made some stupid choices, but he left without looking back. It wasn’t like I could easily get a hold of him when he left. So, I decided I’d just do it on my own. I wasn’t going to tie him down to his mistakes,” you explained. 

“Jay isn’t the same guy who left that day, Y/N. He’s changed a lot. Mostly for the better, I’m sure.” You couldn’t help but smile at her assuring words, as if she knew exactly what to say. “When you tell him, it might take some time for him to warm up to the idea though. You both have so much to talk about, and I can’t exactly tell you how he’s going to react. Just...give him time.”

“Blake has asked about him before. Not often. I never know how to answer. I’m not stupid, I know it was my choice to not try and find Jay and tell him. So, I tell him about the Jay I knew. The brave soldier, the amazing guy.”

“No worries there,” she interrupted with a chuckle. “He’s still very much both of those things.” 

“Thank you, Hailey.” 

“It’s no problem. I’m going to stick around until Jay gets here. He’s bringing pizza apparently, but it’ll be a few hours until he gets here. Why don’t you try and get some sleep? I’ll make sure he doesn’t meet Blake before you two have the chance to talk.” You nodded as you stood, walking into the other bedroom and laying down. 

-----

You stared down at the two lines, in complete shock. There was no way this was happening. No possible way this was happening. Yet, as you stare at the pregnancy test, you knew it was true. Deep down in your soul, you knew it was true. And you didn’t know if you’d be able to do it.

It had been three months since Jay had left, and you’d chalked up all the symptoms to stress and heartbreak. Until you realized how late your period was. Which is what led you to staring at the positive pregnancy test. And you had no idea what to do. 

An hour later, and many laps pacing your small apartment later with your phone in your hand, you hit the dial button. It only rang twice before you heard his voice on the other end, your heart fluttering as your free hand rested on your stomach. 

“Y/N?” he asked, but you didn’t know what to say. “You there? You okay?”

You couldn’t do it, so you hung up. He didn’t try calling back. And it was in that moment that you knew you could do it alone. 

-----

“Hey, Y/N,” Hailey said, knocking on the door before cracking it open to pop her head in. You stretched, wincing as you looked at her. “Jay’s parking right now. Blake is passed out. I gave him some soup Kim had stocked up.”

“Thanks,” you told her as you got up, pulling on a different sweater. You didn’t know if you’d be able to have this talk with Jay if he was too focused on the bruises Jason left in his wake. You didn’t know if you could have this discussion with him at all if you were being completely honest with yourself. But you didn’t have any other option. These were the cards you’d been dealt. And now you had to figure out how to work with it. 

You walked into the living room, seeing Hailey leave as Jay walked in with the pizza. He made a beeline for the counter, putting the box down. 

“Didn’t know if you would be hungry or not,” he told you with a smile. You could hear Hailey lock the door behind her. “Figured a supreme from your favorite place would be a safe bet.” 

“We need to talk, Jay.” His smile dropped as you motioned for him to join you on the couch. “Do you remember three months after you left, I called you and then hung up?” 

“Yeah. Why?” he answered, confusion plastered on his face. 

“I just need to know...why didn’t you ever call back? Or call me in general? Was I that much of a mistake?” you finally asked, voice soft. All you wanted to do was curl in on yourself, to hide from everything. But that wouldn’t work. You were thirty-three, you had to face it like an adult. 

“I thought it was a pocket dial that night, honestly. And I wanted to call. I just…” He took a deep breath as he looked at you, really looked at you for the first time all day. “I couldn’t bring myself to because I felt ashamed. I loved you, and I left. There was no way you were going to take me back, so what was the point? I went back to the bar once, but they said you were on vacation. I took it as a sign.” 

You’d never taken a vacation in your life, so you knew what he was talking about. You’d taken a few months off for maternity leave. To think, he was just downstairs from your apartment while you were upstairs with Blake. 

“Iwaspregnant,” you quickly told him as he looked at you, confusion back at full force as you took your own deep breath. “I was pregnant, Jay. That’s why I called you that night. And I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. Because you’d left. You’d made your choice. And it wasn’t fair for me to try and drag you back.” 

“Oh.” That’s all he had to say was ‘oh’? Surely there was more. 

“I kept it, Jay. Kept him. He’s asleep in the second bedroom right now,” you finally said. You couldn’t distinguish just one emotion on his face, seeming to be a mix. “His name is Blake. He’s nine. And he looks just like you.” 

“I had the right to know,” he finally told you, breaking the silence as his voice wavered, jaw clenched. “I deserved to know.” 

“I know, Jay. God, you think I don’t know that? But what was I supposed to do, huh?” You stood up, not able to sit next to him. “You’d said it yourself. It wasn’t good for you to be around what you’d been doing. It wasn’t who you were. It wasn’t who you wanted to be. Those were your words before you left. You were the one who left!” 

“That didn’t matter!” he finally said, voice raising. “I missed nine years of my son’s life! You had nine years to reach out to me! Was this why you came today? This was the easiest way to tell me?” You couldn’t help but flinch at his words, expecting fists next. “I’m sorry,” he said, calmer. You hadn’t realized that you’d squeezed your eyes shut, taking an offensive stance just waiting for the first blow.

“Mommy?” Blake asked from the doorway, rubbing his eyes as he held onto one of the stuffed animals Kim had left for him. You didn’t look at Jay as you quickly walked over to him, scooping the boy up in your arms.

“It’s okay buddy,” you assured him, holding him close as your hand rubbed circles on his back. “We’re safe here. Mommy just got into an argument with her friend. You’re okay.” You couldn’t help but reassure him as you took him back into the bedroom. 

“I thought Jason was here,” he mumbled as you laid him down, pulling the blanket over him. 

“You’re never going to see Jason again. I promise,” you assured him, kissing his forehead before smoothing his hair back. His eyes fluttered closed as you sat next to him, waiting for his breathing to even out, signaling that he was asleep. You could hear Jay behind you, but you didn’t want to face him. You had to though. 

You stood up, taking his hand as you walked out of the room, shutting the door behind the two of you. 

“That’s my son,” he said softly, looking down at you in awe. It took everything in you not to reach out, to stroke his cheek, to embrace him. 

“That’s your son,” you repeated back. “The night you left, you made it seem like it was all a mistake. That we were a mistake. And I was scared that you’d think the same thing about him. I should have told you.” He didn’t let you keep talking, bringing you into a hug. And for the first time in a long time, you felt like things were going to be okay. 

[calypsoff2]

Five. Part 3

The word neurology, it keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again. I am fearful of what has happened, I haven’t seen any video or anything, but I don’t know what to do or say “I need to sit down” turning away from the reception “I need to sit down” I said again, Rich held my arm as I made my way to the seats just across from the reception desk “I can’t breathe, I really” taking in deep breaths, oh my god. Everything is coming to me; everything we doughy on so hard in getting in better. He was so depressed, suicidal to say the least and he always said to me if that ever happens to him he wouldn’t do it, what if he’s so bad “oh my god” I can’t cope, I really can’t “I want my mom!” Tianna’ voice broke my train of thoughts; I am literally breaking. I can’t do it; I don’t want to hear any words. I feel I am going to break if hear anything else “Ti” Mel spat but it’s too late, Tianna saw me and is with me “mom, I am scared. Can I stay with you?” Mel rushed over “you need the toilet baby” Mel said, but Tianna held me close. My kids know something is wrong, they are hurting like me “he’s in the neurology department” my voice broke, looking up at Mel “oh my god” staring at her clenching my jaw trying to not cry, she knows I want to break “what is it mom?” I got to hold it together, looking up closing my eyes. Just breathe Robyn “nothing, you want the toilet” looking at her “you take me” nodding my head, I have three kids that need me and I am just ready to break “Robyn let me” shaking my head, getting up from the chair “I don’t want to speak” holding Tianna’ hand as I made my way to the toilets, I feel so empty inside and I don’t like this feeling at all because that means I am losing him and here I am just walking but I just can’t face it “here” Rich said, I was walking off but the bathroom is there “yeah” I said, Mel rushed to me. She is trying to give me space but also be there for me, I would do the same for her. Tianna let my hand go “mom stay close” nodding my head, she walked off and did a double take to check I am still stood here but I am, of course I am. Mel is looking at me is making me feel even worse “I can’t do this” I said in a whisper “I can see you are breaking” I am healing but having to be strong for my kids “I rather be dead then be without him” Mel shushed me “stop, I can’t stand to hear that” she’s saying that but I mean it.

I don’t even know what is happening, I’m just numb to it “Mrs Fenty” my eyes bulged out, not a police officer “no” I said, I got up from the seat “we just need to speak to you” I can’t do it, I just ran and Rich chased after me, I don’t want to hear it. Going into the room they have my family in “no, tell him I don’t want to hear it” Rorrey looked in shock and worry as he got up from his seat in shock “who!? Who is it?” My brother said in a shock “there is is police officer, he just wants to speak to her” I can’t do it, I don’t want to hear it “I’ll be back” Rorrey walked off, TJ just stared in shock, he is frozen like me. It’s like we don’t want to hear it, I am so fearful of what I am going to hear. I can’t do it, looking over at my girls. They are scared, because I am the way I am they are concerned “mommy what is happening?” Rylee asked, if something was happening with me I know that Chris would be the same but I think he is stronger than me in this situation, I am really not strong at all “Robyn look you need to speak to them, there is no way I can sis” Rorrey said, I need to be stronger then this but I don’t think I can handle anything bad “they need to speak to you Robyn, nobody else” I stared off into thin air as my heart just dropped, if I lost Chris then I have lost myself. No matter the arguments, disagreements, my annoyance for his silly ways. I take that back, I rather see his goofy little face when he’s trying to annoy me, if I have lost my husband. Then I am going with him, I love him too deeply, that is my soulmate, twin flame “Joyce is coming soon, if you want to speak to her” TJ said, looking at him “we need to speak to the next of kin” I am shaking “she’s not in a real fit state?” I’m not but I have to be “I’ll go, alone” moving Rylee from me as I got up, not to push her but I need to go “mommy” all three of my girls said “mommy will be back, just wait here” Mel said behind me.

Walking behind the officers as we made our way to a room I guess, Rich did come with me because he goes everywhere I go “just here Mrs Fenty” he gestured “call me Rihanna” I said as I made my way into the room “I will be out here for you” Rich said looking suspicious as ever, but I am just not ready, I don’t know what they are going to say to me. All I know is that the police tell you bad news, that is all they do, sitting down on the chair “myself David and my colleague Lei was at the scene, we wanted to speak to you. We were first at the scene of the accident, when was the last time you spoke to your husband? We are treating this as suspicious until we know otherwise, the vehicle was caught on camera speeding towards the Uber” my face softened “Uber?” I repeated “yes ma’am the Uber was hit, the car accelerated once the Uber was in view, it was caught on the CCTV” this is confusing me “erm, I spoke to him just before he left for the Fenty event, so it was just before ten here, that was it. I left him to it, are you saying it was done on purpose?” is that what they want to know “sadly the Uber driver died on impact, we are treating this as a hit and run now the driver of that car was missing” my heart is being squeezed right now “my husband, please tell me about my husband” I asked “when we arrived, he was talking but very much shortness of breath and we didn’t manage to really speak to us particularly because of concussion and he was in and out of it but we wanted to speak to you if your husband had anyone you knew that would want to take revenge on him?” shaking my head “but is my husband ok?” the officer shook his head “I am sorry but you need to speak to the doctors” sighing out, Chris was talking so does that mean he was ok. I am so confused right now “I need to go” getting up from the chair.

I keep running away, I keep running because I don’t want to hear something that will break my heart “Doctor Gianos” the nurse said, nodding my head as I stood “please sit down” he said, I came upstairs without anyone, I just want to be alone “I am working with Chris, I just saw him. Finished examining him, he is settled” that was it, placing my hands over my mouth “is he ok? Oh my god, he is alive yes? My husband is he ok” the doctor smiled “he is with us, we have been giving him lots of tests, very scary tests. He has been asleep for most and we performed a small and quick surgery, he’s asleep again now. He is confused, we were worried, so we had to give CT scan, check any damage to the head but the force is all on the left side, lot of force. Bad bruising all here” he touched his chest, all I can think right now is that he is alive “thank you god” I breathed out, god is testing me but I thank him “yes” the doctor said “he did talk, he asked if his wife was here but we needed to make him better” a sob left my lips and a smile to my lips “he did” I said, he nodded “but we needed to do a small surgery, so he is sleeping. So the impact is on the left side, when the car hit, it was bad and hurt a lot of that side, he has a collapsed lung, we have inserted a tube, this is going to help the lung to expand. We will monitor him, the tube is going to help air drainage and then inflate the lung, it’s just the left side but once he comes around he will be short of breath and a little tired. From hearing what the crash was like, we are shocked there isn’t more damage. Just a lot of bruising on the left side, I think he crouched inwards trying to cover his face and protect himself, but I am happy. He is resting” this is the best news “he doesn’t have head injury? Just that I was told he was at neurology?” I asked “yes we were there, just he was very confused. He may come around and still be confused, but just some days rest, get the lung better he will be ok” I breathed out smiling “thank you, can I see him?” I need to see him “yes of course, right this way” I am so grateful, the heartache I have been going through.

Follow behind the doctor “we have a waiting room here; you can put your family here but here is his room. He will be asleep for a few hours, we put to sleep to put the tube in” nodding my head “that is fine” the doctor stood to the side “you can just go in, I will be around. I have other patients to see” letting out an oh, I am just so nervous to see him now, but I need to see my baby. Walking into the room slowly, I have seen Chris in every position in life. Nothing more heart-breaking then seeing him on a breathing machine, seeing all those machines on him, they will always scar me, so I am ready to see, but the way the doctor explained, he seemed to be shrugging it off like he is ok. I breathed out, seeing Chris on the bed with a tube coming from the side of his chest, and just a breathing mask on. The bed is inclined up but he is asleep, nothing can compare to that day and seeing him near death. I mean this is bad but, I am just happy he is with us. I thought I lost him; I really did. Making my way over to him “sitting up inclined is better for recovery, I just thought I would tell you” looking behind me, I did assume why but the doctor told me before he left again, continuing my walk to Chris’ bed “poppa, oh my baby” I said standing at the side of his bed, he is with me. That is the point, he is with me and that is all I want “we are going to get through this, we will. Like we always do Chris, I feel someone is doing some black magic shit on you. I sound like my mother now” holding his hand, I am just so glad to know he is with me. Like I know I am so relieved that he is like this, but I thought I lost him, it hurts to see him like this but I rather this then he is gone from me. My thumb lightly stroking his hand “you are going to be the death of me Chris, I just know it” god is trying to take my husband but I just know Dolly is protecting family, I know she is.

[reelperspective]

I’m generally not the type to mourn celebrity deaths. It’s usually beyond me to truly mourn the passing of someone who is so completely removed from my life. I tend to reserve grief for personal losses. I would say that is still true - I don’t know if you could call what I’m feeling grief, but it’s definitely something akin to it.

When I heard that Naya Rivera had passed away in a drowning accident, I thought “my god that sucks. That glee cast is cursed or something.” Then I moved on with my life, as one does. I felt it in the moment because Santana was my favorite character (well her and Brittany), but I didn’t dwell on it. I hadn’t seen the show in years, so I felt removed from it.

Months later, I go down a YouTube recommended video rabbit hole and end up watching the Glee version of Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide. I’d always loved that cover of the song. From the moment I first heard it, I thought it was beautifully arranged and flawlessly executed, but I digress. The point is, after watching it, I started watching other Glee videos (again, recommended videos). At a certain point I thought, “fuck it, I haven’t seen this show in years. Maybe it’s time for a re-watch.” So, I started to binge watch it. It is just as hilarious and awesome as the first time. And again, just as the first time, Santana proved to be my favorite character.

I think that Santana was the most emotionally complex character on that show. I think she had a great arc as a character that started off not being very sympathetic at all, to becoming a character that people could really relate to and root for. She had a fascinating duality to her as the bully who sometimes had a heart. Her love for Brittany added a significant layer to her character - displaying a side of her that had previously been unseen. A side reserved only for Brittany- the exception to her rule. Which is remarkable because, being that she was an idiot, Brittany should have been an easy target for Santana’s ridicule. Later, Santana reveals in a rant against Rory the Irishman, that she believes Brittany to be beautiful, innocent, and “everything good in this miserable, stinking world.” This revelation spoke to the heart of the character because it showed that despite her blatantly “Evil” characteristics, what Santana truly values most is goodness and purity of spirit. Brittany was the only person Santana never insulted. You could say that this is because she loved Brittany. That’s a factor, for sure, but I think the main reason is that even she couldn’t tear down someone so innocent. This, and other instances of vulnerability, developed Santana into a more three dimensional character - someone real, rather than just the caricature of a mean girl.

Yes, it’s true that the writers can be credited for this nuance in her character, but I believe it can be argued that Naya highlighted these nuances flawlessly. She did a beautiful job of portraying Santana’s *reluctant* displays of humanity. Not to mention how fucking talented she was when it came to the singing and the dancing. Vocally she’s top three along with Amber Riley and Lea Michele - and she’s a better dancer than either of them.

I noticed all of these things during this recent re-watch of mine. I’d always enjoyed Santana’s viscious barbs and her scathing wit, but this time I gained a deeper appreciation of the character as well.

Why am I talking about the character when this post started off being about grief? Well, watching the show again really drove home what a goddamn tragedy it is for the world to lose someone so talented and hilarious. This feeling drove me to look into Naya as a person. I listened to her audio book, and I read what people have said about her, and the general consensus is that she was an all-around amazing individual. She was Kind but sassy, tough yet compassionate, funny and intelligent. I then watched some of her interviews, and her personality was positively magnetic. She always lead with a blunt honesty that she delivered with this matter-of-fact attitude and wry wit. She owned up to things that most people in her position would hide. Despite the bluntness, she never seemed tacky or crass. Then to add to these revelations is the observation that she so clearly loved her little son with a tremendous passion. I’m sure all celebrities love their children more than life itself, but most don’t speak out about it specifically or so frequently. Naya, on many occasions, spoke of her passion for motherhood, and how much it meant to her to be Josey’s mom. With all of the things she has accomplished, she credited her son as her greatest success. Topics that get repeated across many conversations tend to be subjects that the speaker is fairly obsessed with. It is clear that her son was her whole world. He was not only her responsibility and her greatest love, but also her greatest source of joy. I’m not surprised that she somehow found a way to save him even though she couldn’t save herself.

Which leads to the final straw on the camel’s back - the manner in which she died. As was mentioned previously, she saved her son - which kicks you right in the feels. He had to witness some of her final moments - kick #2. Then there’s the tragedy of the circumstances of the death itself. Drowning is a horrific way to die. She must have been so terrified in her final moments. To add to this is the fact that had any of a number of events transpired differently, she’d still be with us today. Had she not gone to the lake that day. Had she gone with at least one other adult. Had she not jumped out of the boat. Had she worn a life vest. Had the boat had an anchor and a ladder attached to It’s side.

Then I’m confused about how this all went down. Apparently, she was sucked under the water by a current - I guess the equivalent of an undertow - but I thought undertows only happened in the ocean! Considering that this is a lake - a man made one at that- and not a river or an ocean, where the fuck did this incredibly strong underwater current come from? A lake is pretty much stagnant water, is it not? I looked at a map of it, and from what I can tell, there are no rivers feeding into this lake. So, I’m confused and this death is not only tragic, but senseless.

It’s just so fucking sad - every which way you look at it. I feel it in my very soul, and as I said before, I never feel celebrity deaths like this. I can’t stop thinking about her poor child having to grow up without his mommy. I lost someone as a child, and it left an enormous hole in my heart. I remember feeling so profoundly and absolutely destroyed. There are no words to describe the depths of my despair, and I can’t help but think that Josey is feeling that now. Though I was older than he is - I don’t know how much his young mind can make sense of or process the reality of his mother’s death. I know for sure that he is feeling it - he will miss her forever. Ryan Dorsey, his father, released a statement in which he said that he had to explain to his son that his mother was in heaven, and Josey asked him how he could go there too so that he could be with her. That just breaks my heart - I know exactly how he feels. I can’t stop thinking about Naya’s mother and how she collapsed on the dock at Lake Piru and threw her hands out in a display of pure, all-consuming grief. As I’ve said, I’ve felt grief like that before. I’ve collapsed to my knees under the weight of it. So, I feel for her family and her friends. I saw an interview in which the actress who played Santana’s abuela says that Heather Morris was so distraught, she wanted to jump into the lake to search for Naya herself.

I also feel a keen sense of loss for all of the wonderful things she will never do, all of the hilarious things she had yet to say, and all of the characters she might have been destined to bring to life with a singular authenticity. Lastly, and least importantly, I feel this keenly because she and I are the same age. The reality of such a thing just slaps one in the face.

That being said, I keep having these moments of cognitive dissonance as I’m watching the show. I feel her loss so much, yet it seems like she’s not dead. She can’t be! Look at her. Look at how full of life she is. She’s so young. That can’t be the reality - but alas, it is. I keep remembering that it is, and the cycle of emotion starts up all over again.

I know that part of the reason for my deep feelings about this tragedy has to do with my own experience with loss. I’ve lost so many people in my lifetime - some of which, I’ve loved more than life itself. At least one of which, I had wanted to follow into the grave because I could not fathom my life without her in it - it just hurt too much.

So I lay this all out here on tumblr. It is very likely that no one will ever read it, and that’s okay. I just needed to express it anyway as it has been building up inside of me.

[ushiwakaout]

Lead Singer! Tamaki Amajiki with tattoo artist & lead guitarist S/O || MHA

Genre: Rock Star AU || Fluff || Self-Indulgent angst ||

⚠️ Warnings: Drug Use || Nsfw || Orgy || Mommy kink? ||

Words: 2k+

A/N: very self indulgent bc i love rockstar aus i’ve never seen one of tamaki so here it is! 

Gender Neutral Reader

Dude, don’t even get me started

HE SINGS LIKE JESSE THE GUY WHO SING SWEATHER WEATHER AND DADDY ISSUES

Can you imagine his singing devils advocate, holy shit he’d look so good MA’AM PLEASE

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT HE WOULDN’T DRESS LIKE HARRY STYLES 

He’s still shy and still has stage fright the first few times but your his lead guitar player (dated before the band was together)

Mirio is on the drums while Nejire is the bass player

It’s so hard not to pounce on him once he gets into his music like wow 

ESPECIALLY IF HE SUNG DEVILS ADVOCATE

You guys wear a matching matte black rings and people assume you’re married, y’all never say no so you’re gonna let people assume bc you’re fine with it.

You used to be a tattoo artist so many tattoos Tamaki has or will have, it’s done by you, he won’t want 

After every set he’ll either kiss you or your hand, it just depends if you go straight into the next set or not

He sings pretty boy dedicated to you bc if it where all to end, he’d be okay if it was by your side

The fans either ship you or they don’t 

It’s a little hard thinking that people don’t think you’re a good match but Tamaki always says that you’re his angel and he’d never fall in love with anyone else bc you’re his soulmate 

Some fans ship him with mirio and they both think its funny bc they’ve been best friends since they where kids so they don’t have a problem

But Tamaki does not, DOES NOT like it when they ship him with Nejire. Not that he doesn’t like her bc she, along with mirio, got him out of his comfort zone a lot (in a good way). 

He sees the way you’re smile fades when you see a post about their ship, people saying that they look good and all. It’s gotten to a point of wanting to break up with Tamaki just to make a handfull of fans happy

You’d do anything for his music to rise up the ranks, even if it meant losing your relationship

You’ve gone to mirio sobbing about this, it kinda hurt Tamaki that you didn’t go to him but you just couldn’t face him without the reminder of those stupid post

There was one day where a post said “look at the way he looks at her, he looks at her like he’s in love with her.” You looked at the picture for a long time and didn’t even realize the water works

You didn’t really mention it to anybody but when tamaki sang pretty boy, everyone could tell that it had a different feel to it

the set was over and before tamaki could look at you, you had already gone off the stage and ran towards the back locking yourself into the bathroom and kinda just letting it all out

god you hated this feeling, the ache in your chest 

Tamaki basically broke into the bathroom and froze when he saw you crying. He was so worry and so angry at the same time.

You both ended up crying on the bathroom floor together proclaiming your love for each other in such a snotty mess that it ended in laughter.

After that incident there was a long thread tweet of Tamaki explaining politely why he doesn’t like when people ship him with someone else other than his s/o or mirio (bc you don’t mind it either) people could tell that he was angry through the tweet and it was a lil scary bc tamaki DOES NOT GET ANGRY 

anygays- angst is over, sorry very self-indulgent. 

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS MAN DOESN’T SMOKE DUE TO ANXIETY 

You guys have 21+ concerts bc it’s those type of concerts where u can smoke weed legally and drink

SHOT GUN SMOKE WITH TAMAKI HOT HOT HOT

Tamaki’s a lil high so he does it with mirio too and u end up doing it with nejire (your relationship def gets a lot better after the whole shipping situation bc yall talk about it and nejire ends up outing herself to you guys as a lesbian)

so if you’re a girl, Tamaki will def. tell her to watch herself when it comes to his girl but if you’re a dude- you guys are like oh... cool, good for you.

MMM  tourbus sex

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AS A BAND YALL DIDN’T DO SOMETHING TOGETHER

you don’t Nejire anywhere near Tamaki tho, def a small cat fight while it happens 

TAMAKI GOT REALLY JELOUS WHEN MIRIO KISSED YOU OH MAN

Tamaki def fucked you several times while Mirio was listening bc TAMAKI WANTS HIM TOO KNOW WHO YOU BELONG TOO (cannon amajiki is a bottom and probably a pillow prince but fannon tamaki is a switch but in my head in this au TAMAKI IS A HARDCORE TOP)

Several occasions where you have to sit down during concerts bc tamaki ruined you minutes beforehand

FOR A FUCKING FACT yall do it in the dressing room and he just cums inside you and slips you’re underwear back on minutes before set AND U HAVE NO TIME TO CLEAN YOURSELF SO YOU’RE LIKE FUCK

mmm i love me some dom tamaki

Okay lets get to award shows

B E S T D R E S S E D C O U P L E A W A R D 

its something like this:  female / male

if y’all win something tamaki will NOT speak, way too many people are looking at him at the moment and he almost died during the pictures. 

“some many flashing cameras”

holds your hand tighter and y’all ask to get escorted out 

If y’all live together like only you and him, you’re house def is the definition of dark decor

if you guys every do get married, you aren’t getting a live band, everyone thought you did but it turns out it’s you guys in wedding attire- they love it.

Also very small wedding, somehow able to hide it from the pap and its like 50 people or so, mostly friends and like 1/3 family

100% LIKE PEWDIEPIES WEDDING. very very private but very nature/dark decor 

do y’all get wedding tattoos. yes. but not matching, not really.

do y’all tattoo each-other at the wedding... yes.

on your ring finger you have a sun and he has the moon.

you are the light that guides his threw the darkness  and he is your sun, always lighting up your life you know bc the sun lights up the moon

y’all just love eachother sorry

you don’t break up and y’all don’t expect to

BABIES Fem version

do you still play while pregnant yes

are people surprised, yell yeah

you gotta sit down tho bc your feet are killing you 

around the 6 to 9 month mark, the band goes on a break tamaki ends up going solo for a bit during the break and he makes you sing with him AND WOW do you get a larger fanbase bc of it. yes

angelic voice of a pregnant mother

it made tamaki horny, like how the fuck are are you so fucking great at fucking everything please let me fuck you god please

will whine, WILL CALL YOU MOMMY god yes

BABIES Male version.

Yall really wanted to adopt w one baby but the baby you liked had a twin so youre like HOW CAN U TAKE ONE AND NOT THE OTHER

they are twins but ones a boy and one is a girl

god you love them with all your heart

BABIES IN GENERAL (fem version yall have twins too, boy and girl)

they grow up to be band geeks, yall love it but your boy learns piano and the girl ends up playing the guitar (def not the outcome you guys thought it would be but you really dont care)

Let set names Mizuki for a girl, Haru for a boy. (legit beautiful moon and the sun)

Mizuki is very alternative meets fairy academia/ loves plants. probably a baby witch: has the same attitude as Tamaki

Haru is Dark Academia meets city pop / loves record, old gadgets and reading books: very much more like their other parent 

If y’all ever retire to just making music at home the kids are def. gonna take the band name and just put “The new gen” after it. You guys make fun of them for being unoriginal and they get pouty 

but they had you guys crying the first time they got a gig. they both sing, make music like billie and finneas and y’all just so proud. 

when you guys start getting older they will take you to award shows as their date to flex the fact that they are gen celebs who actually made something off of their parent success unlike some people

y’all just flex you’re kid bc they doing so well

just for shits and giggles (kids are like 22 at this point, you guys are like 46) :

Haru would probably get a girl pregnant during a one night stand and end up in a baby daddy situation

Mizuki probably steals Tamakis weeb and smokes it w lavander, you catch her and you’re like.... is it good? mother/father daughter smoke sesh

Haru is like “where’s mom, i need her to run by some notes- are you guys smoking? I’m telling dad.”

“It’s not like you’re dad doesn’t smoke either.” 

Haru and Mizuki are like “WHAT?! SINCE WHEN?!” 

“Since always... how’d you think he got over his stage fright? It’s not like i could go down on you’re dad every time before a concert to lift his nerves.”

Fake gagging from the two kids. 

You guys a def the parents who kinda don’t care about your image but you don’t let your kids go off easy

They are good kids who kept good grades and never got caught while doing trouble- so they are well respected and have liberty to do what they like.

There ends up being an article about your family and the cover is you guys- all of you with your nails painted and eyemakeup

very very controversial interview with strict and non liberals calling you guys bad parents and such

and you guys also talked about the topic about how you cared for your children. explaining that you guys stopped smoking, stopped drinking, kept a healty diet until they where 15. once they became 18 it was a very open enviroment, letting your kids grow the way they want and not suffocating them. not shoving down their beliefs and likes- they grew up the way they wanted to with the care of their parents.

parents kinda hate you ngl, yall too great sksksksk

yall also play the game where they ask you questions and if you don’t answer you have to take a shot

Mizuki: “Oh ew, please don’t answer this question... Have you ever had- *clears throat* have you guys ever had sex while we where in the house

Tamaki gets all red and shoves a shot down your throat and now you don’t get to answer “But I wanted to answer!” Haru is cringing hard and he takes a shot himself “You guys are gross”

Haru asks a question and just HATES IT “Oh god... Okay- Only because I wanna know I’m asking parent number 2 (you’re parent #2) Is the rumor of you guys doing the dirty with your band true. Did you guys have an orgy.”

You start to laugh your ass off but Mizuki and Tamaki are looking at eachother bc they cant believe they’ve done this Haru def is out of his shy bubble and now Mizuki has it

“You want a shot papa?” She asked tamaki, he just nodds and she fills it to the brim, “I think thats enough.” But before he’s able to reach for it, She shoots it down and put another one full for him

“Oh yeah, that’s true. Kinda i guess, it wasn’t really an orgy- It was more like two couples doing it in the same room while doing it but you’re uncle mirio did kiss me.”

Kids: Forever gagging

Tamaki: Forever blushing

You: Ah sweet memories :)

Request are open! You can request anyone from My Hero Academia (low key wont write for tsu or uraraka. Will not write for mineta), Haikyuu, Attack on Titan or Balance Unlimited!

[tirednerd2012]

I thought of a way Kirk could feasibly appear in EIGTBO. Suppose his mom kicks out his dad when he's younger, but he still grows up to be violent and sadistic, so she's finally forced to kick him out too and forbids him from seeing Luke. Luke and Ian and some other kids play together when Kirk shows up planning to kidnap Luke. Barley's able to save him, but Kirk takes Ian in retaliation. Later he offers Barley an ultimatum: bring Luke to him, or he'll never see Ian again.

So, Imma try this. Luke and Ian are both, let's say 8 at this time because Jenny and Leo will be featured in the story, but Jenny and Barley won't be engaged or anything. Since there is so much trauma, this will be broken up and explored more as Ian and Barley get some much needed therapy. Also the beginning will have another story because this was going to be a great day for the brothers and I need fluff later.

Barley heard a child crying and someone dragging the kid by their arm. The kid desperately tried to get free. His mind went to worst case. A playground. A bunch of kids. This was an attempted kidnapping.

He didn't hesitate to rock that guy's shit and then call the police.

Turns out the guy, Kirk Jones, had a restraining order against him from his little brother, the boy, Luke. The police promised Barley that the mother would be called and that would be that. He took Ian's hand and left because he couldn't stop shaking.

Barley had a splitting headache the next week. He could hardly keep his eyes open and even the sound of Leo and Ian playing quietly in the next room made it feel like his head was about to bust open.

"Barley," Jenny said and kissed the top of his head, "I can take the boys out to the park or something. You get some sleep. You've been working a lot and probably just tired."

He forced himself to make eye contact with her, even though the room felt too bright. He nodded and she kissed him again.

"Get some sleep," she said softly and he laid back down on his bed. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

A few minutes later he heard his bedroom door creak open. He opened his eyes again and saw Ian with a glass of water. His little brother placed it on his bedside table.

He looked over apologetically as he saw Barley awake.

"I- um, you always bring me water when I'm not feeling good," he said and Barley chuckled, forcing himself to ignore his migraine and ruffled his brother's hair and then kissed the top of his head.

"Thanks, bud, go have fun. I love you."

"I love you, too," Ian said and then gave Barley a quick hug before leaving. The moment Barley put his head on the pillow, he was out.

Until he woke up to the worst call of his life.

"Barley? Barley, I need you get to the police station. Now," Jenny said. Barley could hear the panic and sobbing in her voice and his heart stopped. He jumped up from the bed and immediately grabbed his keys.

"Jen? What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the boys?"

She sobbed harder.

"Someone just attacked us. He grabbed me from behind by my hair and the boys tried to help but-" she cried more and Barley felt the tears forming in his eyes as he got out to his van and immediately started it up.

"Jen, what happened?"

"He took Ian. Barley, he took him and I don't even know where we are and Leo is hurt and won't wake up and Barley, you need to get to the police station. Now. Some officers tracked my phone and are coming now. Oh God."

"Jen, listen to me," Barley said, trying to keep his voice steady but his mind kept repeating everything to him. Ian was gone. Ian was missing. Leo and Jen are hurt and they didn't know where they were. Ian was gone. Dear God Ian was gone.

"Barley."

"I'm on my way to the station. Did you get a look at the guy?" he asked.

The next few days would be the worst of his life, yet they blurred together. Each dragged on and he felt like he was going to die. He'd rather have died than felt the pain he felt those next few days.

Ian tried to move out of the cage, but the older boy who smelled like alcohol was scaring him. He paced back and forth around the cage, occasionally screaming and then kicking it.

Ian's crying annoyed the boy apparently.

"Just stop! He's not coming!" the boy yelled. "Your brother isn't coming and even if he does, I'm going to kill him."

"Barley is coming for me! And I'd hate to be you when he gets here!" Ian snapped and the guy opened the cage and yanked Ian up. He didn't hit him, just yanked him hard and forced him close. Ian winced at the stench of rum.

"Then where is he? You've been here a day, kid. And he's not here."

"He's looking."

"No, he ain't. Because he doesn't give a shit about you," the boy said and Ian felt his stomach turn at that idea, but he knew that wasn't true. Barley would never give up on him.

"You wouldn't come for your little brother?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because my little brother decided to stay with my mom. He turned his back on me. He's better off dead than with that woman," the boy snapped as he threw Ian on the ground, but didn't do anything else. He played with the knife in his hands and Ian wanted to run, but the boy was right in between him and the door.

Barley, please, hurry.

"Then why do you care about seeing him again?"

"Because he needs discipline in his life and she's not going to give it to him."

"What does that have to do with Barley?" Ian asked and the boy knelt down beside him.

"Because your brother doesn't understand his role in life and he needs to learn to mind his own business."

Two days. It had been two days and no one could find Ian. Kirk was off somewhere no one knew about. The police were doing the bare minimum to help and Barley couldn't think straight.

His foot was on the gas pedal as he drove, nowhere in particular, because being on the road was better than being home. It was better than Ian's empty bedroom and the silence. It was better than hearing Jenny cry and not having the strength to provide her comfort. It was better than watching Frank drink.

Everything was falling apart and Barley kept running over and over in his head that it had been two damn days since he last saw his brother. Last heard his laugh. Played with him.

Ian was gone. And had Barley been there, he could have saved him.

Barley was so lost in his mind he didn't notice when a unicorn jumped onto the road. He slammed his brakes, almost flipping his car over and the case file the police gave him flew everywhere and the phone book dropped on the floor.

He didn't wrap his head around the experience at all.

He looked at the piece of paper then looked in the phonebook. Only one Jones surprisingly. Rebecca Jones.

And it had an address. Barley took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, then was gone. He wasted no time going to a random stranger's house.

A woman opened the door. She was about a foot shorter than Barley, with hair longer than Jenny's, but she looked to be in her 40s.

"Can I help you?" she asked. Barley took a deep breath and went over his entire situation, from her son, Kirk, to helping Luke, to his girlfriend being attacked, to his little brother missing.

And she stood there. What's worse is she didn't seem particularly surprised, but terrified. She shook as Barley continued.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

"He has my brother," Barley said and Mrs. Jones stopped and didn't close the door. "He has my little brother. Ian. He's 8 and he's probably hurt and crying out for me right now. Please. Whatever you know. My little brother is my absolute everything. I'm not going to take your son, I'll face Kirk myself, but please. I need to know where to go."

"The little boy he took is your brother?"

"Yes. He's the only family I have left. I've been raising him for three years. He's everything to me and I'll do whatever it takes to get him back," Barley felt the tears sting his eyes, "I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just want him home and safe. I want to hear him playing upstairs in his room or sitting with me on the couch. I miss tucking him in every night."

"How long has Kirk had him?"

"Two days now. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. I haven't stopped searching. I found your name in the phone book and took a chance. I have nothing left to lose, please," Barley begged. The woman studied him for a moment, and then he heard another voice. A child's voice.

"Mommy? Where's- hey, you're the guy from the other day!" Luke said as he saw Barley. Barley could normally push all of his problems away and smile in front of children, no matter what he was feeling. But looking at Luke broke him even more. The kid had the exact same eyes as his precious little brother.

"Sweetie, go back inside, please," Mrs. Jones said and then looked back up at Barley. "My son is dangerous. I tried so hard to save him. His father used to beat him and then twisted his mind. I don't think he'll ever be able to tell wrong from right."

"And I'm sorry about that, but someone you just admitted is dangerous has a kid right now. You're terrified of him seeing Luke again, and I understand that, but he has my kid right now. Please, I won't tell him anything. I'll even help you and Luke, but I need Ian back. Please."

"His father used to own a house on the other side of town. I'll write down the address for you," she said and invited him inside. Barley walked in and saw Luke on the couch. The young boy tilted his head in curiosity at Barley while his mother went to grab a piece of paper.

"Hey, mister, what's your name?"

"Barley," he answered.

"Thanks for your help the other day. My big brother is really mean and..." his voice trailed off for a moment, "I'm glad I didn't go with him. Sometimes I think he still loves me, but then he gets mad and he hits me. Or he drinks something and gets really angry."

"Luke, I know he's your brother, but family can be so many different things," Barley said. "And you are a great kid who didn't deserve that treatment. Mrs. Jones came back in with a piece of paper and Barley looked at Luke one more time before leaving.

He wasted no time getting to his little brother. He drove as fast as he could and 10 minutes later, he was at the house. He called the police and went inside.

He heard yelling and glass shattering. Then Ian crying.

Ian.

Barley broke the door open and immediately his eyes locked with Kirk.

"Barley!" Ian cried out. Before Barley could do anything, Kirk charged. He was stronger than Barley anticipated and they both got knocked into a nearby bookshelf. It broke at their combined weight and the fight continued.

Barley busted Kirk's head against the wall, but he must have been used to it because it had zero effect on him, which was slightly concerning but there were more pressing matters.

Ian cried out for Barley to watch out and then Kirk picked up a nearby glass bottle of whiskey and hit Barley with it. Hard.

His vision blurred, but he could see the flash of silver from a knife, heading right towards him.

"Barley! No!" Barley couldn't comprehend what happened next.

Kirk went in with his knife, he heard Ian scream and then an explosion that threw Kirk away from him, yet he was unharmed. Not a touch. He spun around and saw his little brother with tears pouring down his already tear-stained cheeks, desperately trying to get out of the dragon cage. He was also unhurt. The only person that seemed to get injured was Kirk.

The police busted in just as Kirk forced himself up with a groan and then looked at Ian.

"How did he- no, something's up with that kid!" he said as two officers grabbed him and handcuffed him. Then his eyes locked on Barley with a glare and a deadly promise laced as his pupils focused in on the other man. "You're going to pay for this, you bastard! That kid has something and I'll get it!"

The officers dragged him away and Barley got Ian out of the cage and his brother jumped in his arms and buried his head into Barley's chest and sobbed.

"Ian, oh thank God. It's okay. You're safe. It's okay," he said over and over again and kept apologizing. He kissed the top of Ian's head multiple times and refused to let the child go. "I love you so, so much, kiddo."

His mind went back to the explosion and he wondered how Ian did do that. Ian screamed and Kirk flew back, but how?

Ian curled into his chest further and his thoughts went back to what the last few days had felt like. Not knowing if he was ever going to see his little brother again. Searching and worrying. Crying. Almost crashing his van because the idea of never seeing his little brother again, his entire world, made him want to die. Jenny and Leo crying. Frank on the phone with the police.

He couldn't explain what Ian just did, but Ian was there. He was in Barley's arms and his older brother would never let him go again.

"I love you so, so much, bud. I'm never letting anything take you from me again."