#every time im like maybe i remembered this heavier than it is and every time its not. and now in the context of a full rewatch. jesus chris

[c-kiddo]

aeor arc sucks they gave caduceus depression

[nouvxllev]

Request!!

Jenna Ortega x Reader

Summary: Jenna and R are like on ldr cuz of her work, after mooonthhss, J surprises R by going back home early to her. J gets so worried cuz R isn't in the house, and she can't contact her. R gets home wasted, J confronts her, R breaks down, rambling about how she just misses Jenna, not knowing it is actually Jenna who she was speaking to... she mistakes her to be Emma..😭🙏🏻

unbearable uncertainty

Pairing: Jenna Ortega x Fem!Reader

Summary: request! ^^

Words: 3.3k

Warnings: slight angst? maybe? bittersweet??

a/n: wrote tara carpenter smut then dipped. oh my god, i truly apologize for going on an unknowingly and unbearable hiatus from writing. but on the bright side, i met someone whos truly so special and i cherish the most on here :] thank you for the request and im sorry if ive been holding it back for months!

(ps. ive forgotten how to write entirely, please be patient with me)

Long goodbyes were never easy.

How could Jenna ever forget the last piece of comfort she felt in your arms as you held her for the final time before she boarded the plane? The warmth and security she found when you whispered "I love you" was something she couldn't find elsewhere.

You hugged her so tightly, Jenna felt as if you were trying to fold her into your very being.

You always did that, always have.

But you held her a little longer. Closer, tighter. As if it'll be the last time Jenna falls in love with you. It felt too surreal when she heard your voice started breaking in tears like there was a cloud over your heart Jenna used to bring life in.

She tried to memorize every detail of your face, every line and shadow, every crease and every feature like you were a past lover she's been searching for, she wanted to hold onto each imperfection and perfection as if capturing this moment in her heart could somehow lessen the pain of parting.

When you reached out, gently brushing a stray tear from her cheek, and she leaned into your touch, savoring the warmth that would soon be gone. It was a gesture so tender, so full of love, that it made her heart ache even more.

Would she have done something differently? Perhaps tell you she got it all wrong, tell the producers and chosen to live in peace with you and frolic in some field of flowers like a coming of age movie.

No, she could only swallow the lump in her throat and urge her heart to stop grieving for something that wasn't even dead but merely distant.

Vermont proved to be a cold comfort, like winter for a thousand nights without somebody to hold on, stark contrast to the warmth she'd known for all these months.

The first night was the hardest—cruel, even. As she unpacked her bags in the apartment paid for b the producers, it was a far cry from the home you had shared. Despite its charm for space, it felt emptier than it should've been. A shell.

Jenna remembers lying awake that night, unable to find solace even in the darkness. Each thought weighed heavier than the last, fearing you would grow to resent the fame she would have declined in a heartbeat if given the choice, that loving her had become more of a chore than a joy.

The frequent overseas flights and constant altering of time zones only added to the strain, affecting even how her heart would beat. Conversations became shorter while days grew longer, and only letters and distant updates from you brought reassurance. She missed the moments of quiet intimacy, the laughter shared, and the smile she could reach up and kiss, the comfort of knowing she was always there for you.

It was a constant routine of staring at the ceiling, desperate to imagine your arounds around her and your warm breath against the neck. The loneliness was a crushing weight, far more realistic than a mere idea it was. Unbearable.

She found herself wanting for the familiar warmth and solace that only your presence could provide her. She would watch herself listening for your voice, remembering how you would tell her if she's been overworking, half-expecting to hear your laughter or even a slight tone or maybe even the sound of your footsteps.

She always found small ways to feel connected to you.

The letters you sent were her lifeline. She would read them over and over as if it were new ink, tracing the words with her fingers that carried your thoughts and reassurances, imagining your voice speaking them. Each letter was a piece of you, a reminder that you were thinking of her, missing her just as much.

The voice calls were both a blessing and a curse.

Hearing your voice brought her comfort, but it also made the distance between you feel even more unbearable. She would stay up late into the night, talking to you, laughing with you, sharing her day and listening to yours. But when the call ended, silence would descend, and the emptiness would return with a vengeance. She would lie in bed, clutching the pillow, trying to replay the sound of your voice.

So it was a huge, pain-in-the-ass problem for her, the amount of calls and thousands of sleepless nights with her arms wrapped around a pillow instead of the love of her life was a step away from insanity. It seemed dramatic, but can you blame a girl!? Love always had a way of making seem things insignificant in comparison.

Another grueling month without the love of your life? She couldn't and wouldn't even bear it, you would have to finally cut the two parts of her brain in half and throw away the other one to endure that kind of torture.

So what started as a joke with her finger hovering over the "book flight" button while on the phone with you turned out to be, surprise surprise, not even close to a silly little joke.

She clicked it impulsively, without a second thought or even a first one.

Her heart raced faster than ever with the thought of seeing you again. Feeling your arms around her, hearing you laugh, smile, and talk was all the motivation she needed. It was like a recurring dream you’d betray another day for to live in.

And here she is now, at your place, luggage in hand in the dead of night, looking like she fled the country, with that familiar airport scent still clinging to her clothes and hair. She smelled like whatever hit-terminal coffee it was that day and recycled air.

Jenna's been muttering to herself all evening, "Pick up, pick up, pick up, oh my God, who leaves their house unlocked!?"

Her phone, balanced on her shoulder, was one slip away from hitting the ground, and she was one missed call away from losing it. She imagine the look on your face when you saw her standing there, unannounced yet so desperately wanted, not like wanting to send out a search party for you!

It was voicemail after voicemail, a ring before a cruel tone that mocked her for seconds, the unknowing certainty that something had happened to you.

You’ve been M.I.A ever since she arrived, and the last text she received from you was a breezy, "I’m going out tonight with co-workers" followed by a thousand kisses. The gesture was sweet, but it’s not helping now that it’s 12 fucking a.m. and you’re nowhere to be found.

She paced back and forth in your living room, the anxiety gnawing at her insides and the sharp pain from her palm to her heart had never been so severe.

Every creak of the floorboards made her thoughts race, hoping it was you finally coming home. The silence of the house was deafening, broken only by her thoughts replaying your voice. She glanced at the clock on the wall that displayed digits she seriously did not want to see.

She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep until she saw you with her own eyes, until she could touch you and confirm that you were truly safe.

Her hands immediately went back to her phone, wondering if your co-workers would even answer a distress actress concerned about her girlfriend if there was a high and 100% chance they were wasted with you. Obviously, each call went straight to voicemail.

Why is being sent on delivered the most humiliating ever!?

"Fuck," Jenna cursed under her breath, her head lowered in defeat as she stared at the countless of messages she sent to your friends, co-workers, shit even your family!

The only thought going through her head is "thank you for birthing Emma Myers."

emma

just said goodbye shes round the corner

sent one attachment

going back to her place

Even light couldn't travel as fast compared to how quickly Jenna reacted when that attachment processed in her brain. It was a photo of you (thank fuck), looking a bit tipsy, sure, maybe knocked in the head, but you were unharmed, waving goodbye to Emma.

The wave of relief that washed over Jenna felt like an overall baptism—a splash of water to commemorate coming back to a harsher reality than she didn't expect, but reality nonetheless.

She almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity, but she shoved the thought aside. Her focus was on you, and getting to you as fast as possible.

If you weren't going to come back home sooner or later, she'd come to you. Geared up and mentally preparing everything to combat the cold weather, plants of how she would take care of you, and a surprise. Aka, her.

Is what she would've followed through if she didn’t hear the unmistakable sound of a key turning in the lock.

The sound was so abrupt. Too sudden and swift it nearly made her jump out of her skin unlike any scare people tried on her.

Her heart pounded as she turned towards the door, hoping, begging, and nearly willing the universe to grant her at least one moment of sanity. She watched the door creak open, and there you were—alive. You stumbled in, eyes bleary but safe, and Jenna felt the tension drain from her body as if it had never been there.

"Y/n—!" Jenna's sudden movement was a blur, barely having time to embrace yourself before she collided with you, the force of her embrace nearly knocking out the ragged breath you had left.

You could've noticed the slight tremble in her frame, heart pounding against your chest, and a hand clinging onto your shirt that pulled you closer if you weren't drunk.

“Daaamn, girl, you walk faast! I swear we dropped you at your street?? Why are you in—shit—in my house??” Your voice slurred and you stumbled as if the very act required more effort than you could muster, mind sluggish and your sense dulled, voice thick and unsteady.

You were undeniably and completely fucked. To say the least.

Drunk, Intoxicated. Mentally impaired. Right, how could Jenna even forget that?

You barely managed to step inside when your legs gave out, sending you tumbling to the floor.

The world tilted and spun around you as if you were a sun blinded by its own solar system. Your vision blurred and you struggled to make sense of the swirling images and a familiar blobby brunette girl in your home.

To no surprise, Jenna was at your side in an instant, crouching down with her face filled with concern as she looked you over, her arms reaching out to steady you. "Y/n… Why on earth do you have a huge straight bump on your forehead?"

"I…" you mumbled, blinking up at her. Her face looked like one of those spiky and blobbed images you see through a rain-streaked window. "I was—I was watching one of those 'how to be a good girlfriend in an LDR relationship' videos on the way home. And—and well, there was a pole."

Jenna's expression shifted, concern to curiosity. "What… What? What do you mean? Why? Why are you searching those—"

You felt like your chest was closing in on you, your throat mimicked those of a barren wasteland, and embarrassment washed over you like a tidal wave. You wanted to shrug it off, to laugh and tell her you were just curious, that it was nothing. But you couldn't.

"Because!" you burst out, voice trembling as you looked away from her eyes, "How else am I supposed to believe that I'm good enough when Jenna's halfway across the world? When every time she touches me, it's like she thinks I'm everything you've ever wished for in a star, and I—"

You faltered, your breath catching, the words threatened to slip away from you, but the emotions, doubt and fear—they had been building up for too long. You couldn’t stop now, even if you wanted to.

"I don't deserve it, I'm not enough for her. There's something more that i should be doing, something more I could be, because how can I be enough when she's there and I'm here? I can't hold her, I can't comfort her when she's stressed, I cant show her how much I care every day like I want to. How am I supposed to truly feel that I'm doing fine and she's feeling loved? Every time she tells me that I'm enough, I try to believe her, but—but there's this voice in my head that keeps saying, 'What if she's just saying it? What if one day, she realized she was wrong? That I'm not great, that she's just loving a version of me she created in her head, that she finds a fatal flaw in me that keeps her away from loving me? What if I'm not who she thought I was?"

You can't speak anymore, but your mouth persists in words like a machine. Your eyes already welled up, you bit your lip to stop it from trembling and forming a frown.

"I want to be perfect for her. I want her to feel like she's never missing anything from me or feel like she's falling short from the love she gives me and I give her. But I don't know how to do that. I don't know anything. So I watch those stupid videos to hope I'll find a way to be enough, to finally feel like I am. But no matter what I do, it feels like it'll never be. How can I be it when I'm not with her? How can I be enough from so far away?"

Tears blurred your vision as you tried to reach out, "I just miss her, Emma. I just miss her so damn much. I thought I could handle it, you know? That I could be strong, that I could keep it together until the next time I saw her. But it's been too long, I keep feeling like I'm falling apart. That my relationship is falling apart for her. I thought maybe if I just stepped back, she'd find what she needed without me getting in the way."

"I try to keep things feeling normal. I try to tell myself that the distance is temporary, that we’re strong enough to make it through, but what if we’re not? What if the longer this goes on, the more we rip apart? I don’t want to lose her, but I feel like I’m losing pieces of us every day."

"I'm scared, Emma," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. "I'm scared that one day, she'll take all her words back, she'll realize it's not enough. That every text she sends me is in complete dread, that she's just staying for the hell of it. That she finds a better relationship than what we have now."

Your gaze was locked on the floor, but Jenna's eyes were on you, wide and creased with confusion. The words you've thrown at her just echoed in her mind, looping relentlessly until they became the only thing she could hear along with the race of her heart thudding so loudly. She had been silent the whole time, listening to you pour out your fears, insecurities, on how much you've missed her.

She shouldn't have. She wasn't Emma.

Jenna's eyes flickered to you, your eyes was stuck on the floor, your shoulders slumped as if you were carrying the weight of the world. And in that moment, despite the ache in her chest, all she wanted was to hold you. It's the only thing that felt natural for her.

She closed the gap between you two, close enough that her knees brushed yours, and slowly enough as if she were afraid that you might pull away. The contact felt like a connection, barely there, yet it grounded you and your worries. It felt familiar.

Jenna's breath as she looked at you, her eyes searching your face for any sign that you were uncomfortable, that you were still here with her.

Without a word, she lifted her arms and wrapped them around you at last. Her touch was tentative, she was unsure you wanted her there, but as her hand rested on your back, she felt the subtle rise and fall of your breathing. You were relaxed in her arms, you became yourself underneath her hands. She pulled you in closer like she was trying to shield you from the weight of whatever thought you had put on yourself.

"Y/n," she spoke, you knew that voice. it wasn't distant or abstract, it was real, present, and undeniably her. You knew this. The fact that you didn’t pull away. You didn’t flinch. In fact, the moment her presence reached you, it was as if a piece of you had been anchored to the ground again.

You knew her.

The warmth of her skin, the gentle rise and fall of her chest as you let yourself pull in her, it was familiar, comforting. You hadn't even realized how tightly you've been holding onto your fears and worries. But now, with her, they're no longe the loud and consuming force they had been before.

"Jenna?" you whispered, your voice was barely audible, trembling as it left your lips and hope it gets through with her.

It was the first time you had said her name aloud in her presence. You could feel her heartbeat against her chest, the steady rhythm that took both of you off. You pulled away from her embrace, looking at her as if you saw a ghost.

"I'm back home," she whispered back, her voice soft like it never changed.

Her words settled into your bones, offering a comfort that you didn't realize you've been craving so desperately. And for the first time in what felt like a long time, you allowed yourself to believe them. She wasn’t just saying it—she meant it. Jenna was here, she wasn’t going to leave.

You didn’t care what she had to say; it felt impolite, selfish even, but all you wanted was to crash into her arms like you had before. You were no longer standing at a distance. You didn’t think, you didn’t hesitate, you just moved.

With a sudden rush, you wrapped your arms around her as if she were the only lifeline you had in a world that felt like it was spinning out of control.

You clung to her as you murmured her name over and over again as if it was a prayer the heavens needed to hear. Your fingers gripped the fabric of her shirt and every part of you was aware of her. How her body felt against yours, the way she held you felt like a promise saying she wouldn't let you go in her life.

“I’m so sorry,” you choked out, your voice shaking as you pulled back just enough to look into her eyes, your tears blurring your vision. "I'm sorry for everything. For doubting you, for pushing you away when you clearly didn't want to.

"You’re finally here," you murmured, as you looked up at her, "You’re back with me."

Jenna's grip around you tightened, and you could feel her smile that always made you float in the air, even though you couldn't see it. "I missed you," she said softly, "I was so worried about you and I kept thinking about all the things we used to do together. I missed the way you laugh, the way you always know how to make me feel better. I just wanted to hear your voice again, to feel close to you. Don't worry about falling short, I'm already standing on a mountain of love that you've given me."

It was her, she was the same Jenna you've always loved. How she held you in your arms, how she kissed you after apologizing countless of times, how she feels in your arms, how she moves, how she laughs, how she makes you feel like you're safe and secured. Uncertainty washed away from you.

[hoshinasblade]

im going to need you all to send me happy thoughts please because i am having a very bad week and it's only monday lol anyway here's some angst. i know i have written a lot of stuff here already but so far this one is my favorite (despite me literally drafting this in my phone so expect some grammar errors or spelling mistakes), so if you can, let me know what you folks think. likes, replies, and reblogs are appreciated but i will bonk you in the head if you repost or copy any of my writings. THANK YOU ANON FOR THIS ASK!

you could bring a numbered kaiju into submission but it seems that your heart is an entirely different monster.

you should have known better than to fall in love with a colleague, and you should have known better than to fall in love with the third division's vice-captain. your own commander, gen narumi, threw you a dirty look when he found out about your intimate relationship with the bowl cut bastard, and as much as you want to come up with a good enough excuse, the best thing you were able to give is a cliched the heart wants what the heart wants. narumi scoffed at you upon hearing it, following it up with a personal vow to never be romantically involved with anyone in the force.

it didn't have to be said but hoshina still did the honors - there's not a lot of ground rules in your relationship but the first one is this: you and he are soldiers first, lovers second. you pondered if it was supposed to hurt you, and you asked yourself what the hell is wrong with you to say yes to such a set-up: all those love advice by your family and friends about how you should not settle with the bare minimum flew out the window. "i have a responsibility to my division. but i also know i love you," was what hoshina told you. in hindsight maybe you did not care about anything else he said except the part where he confessed he loves you.

you convinced yourself that nothing is more important than being loved by hoshina soshiro. and you persuaded yourself that if he could place you second in his priorities, you would be able to do so too. "i mean, i was a defense officer before i became your girlfriend," you agreed with him.

but there's no worse lie than the one we tell ourselves, you realised too late.

hoshina soshiro took you to dates almost every weekend although he is also almost always late. but you guess being one of the highest-ranking official in an anti-kaiju division burdens him with a heavier obligation than the rest of the officers so you did what a good girlfriend would do: you tried to understand his situation and offered him comfort whenever you catch him overly stressed or fatigued in his tasks. "i'll make it up to you," he would promise, and you would kiss him on the lips.

but after a while he stopped asking you out entirely, blaming it to his busy schedule - and yours - and a month after that, you would see hoshina soshiro only when there are inter-division conferences. narumi gives you his ugliest frowns everytime he spots the vice-captain walking towards you. "get a room," the first division commander rolled his eyes at you and your boyfriend one time.

to be fair, hoshina is good at making you disregard his misgivings. may it be with his tongue or his fingers, even for just a fraction of an hour, you cannot deny that hoshina makes you feel loved and taken care of. hoshina would tell you he loves you and nothing else matters again in your world but those three little words.

you could have perfectly proceeded in your charade of being fine if hoshina only remembered your anniversary. the straw that broke the camel's back, disappointment and frustration and heart wrenching pain consumed you when it came clear to you that hoshina was not planning for some surprise for you after not giving you a single greeting throughout the day - he simply forgot.

"so it skipped you that today's supposed to be our day, but you had time to go to lunch with okonogi," you accused him, feeling a bit guilty that you are involving another person in the argument. the trip to tachikawa base was not short, and your muscles are already killing you, but you made the effort to see hoshina in hopes you can salvage the occasion. the guilt died down after several seconds when hoshina replied.

"how is okonogi-chan a part of this?" he defended her. it did not escape you how he seemed to not be answering you at all.

"okonogi-chan?" you mocked hoshina. "jesus, i am so tired of this!" you did not recognise the sound of your voice when you shouted. "i - i know what i signed up for when i compromised with you, soshiro. you said duties first, i just did not expect i would be at the bottom of the things you care about. that's if i was even in that list at all."

"that's not fair -"

"what's not fair," you gritted your teeth, "is that you keep treating me like shit." you held back your tears; you refused to cry in front of hoshina - you had already given him the power to hurt you, it would have been to much handing him the knowledge that what is happening is effectively breaking you from you within. softly, you determined to get the bottom of things - fuck your dignity, the most you can get from this scenario is hoshina's honesty. "do you still love me?"

"you know i do," he declared too quickly. hoshina strode towards you, crossing the three, four feet distance to reach you. grabbing your cold hands and attempting to cradle it with his own warm ones, hoshina looked sincere and sorry, and you regret that you cannot for the life of you remember the last time he was this tender with you.

"actually i don't." you did not know how you're supposed to bridge the sea between you and hoshina as you withdrew your clammy hands from his touch. you chose to ignore the sudden sadness that crossed his face when you stepped away from him.

the loud ring of the alarm announcing a kaiju attack echoed in your ears. "i have to go, we'll talk more later," hoshina offered, his stare at you was surely meant to glue you in your spot but you did not let it so. "i love you."

"no, wait." you are a defense officer, and a good one at that, and you thankfully did not have to remind the third division vice-captain of that. "i'm going with you." even on the verge of heartbreak, your response is to stand beside hoshina. you almost winced at the implication.

you did not wait for his approval. narumi will be pissed, he joked after seeing you in a battle suit, helping you out a bit as you pick your weapon of choice. "hey." his grip on your elbow distracted you. "be careful out there," he whispered.

bodies break in the strangest of ways, you found out while fighting a considerable strong honju alone in the sector where you were assigned. you weren't officially in the area to be on duty, and protocol says you cannot be under hoshina's command so you had to be borrowed as a back-up to another platoon. your tenure and experience could easily place you as a team leader, that is why you were confident to face a number of those monstrous creatures at once. that is until the suit you were wearing - just a spare one that hasn't been used yet by a recruit - overheated.

"retreat to somewhere safe," you heard hoshina in your in-ear comms, out of breath. "that's an order." you wanted to assert that he isn't really your commanding officer, that he is not upon him to command you in any way but air feels like liquid in your lungs, the exhaustion catching up to you. in a minute or two the suit will lose its integrity after overheating, and you will be vulnerable to attacks of even the smallest yojus. "stay there and i'll send someone -"

you hoped you were not making a habit of interrupting hoshina as you mustered your strength to speak in a firm sentence - "the mission, is to neutralise the kaiju, sir." you screwed your eyes shut, ignoring the searing sensation of the wound in your shoulder.

throwing caution in the wind, hoshina did not relent. "i will come get you."

"soldiers first, soshiro." the static in your in-ear comms was deafening after you had called the vice-captain by his given name, and knowing that whatever you say will be broadcasted to the other officers, you continued. "to hell with what happens to us, right?"

you couldn't say you recall what happened next. dizzying darkness claimed you as your suit gave out, your combat release putting your body to too much pressure. when you came to consciousness, it was at a hospital - in a white room too big to cater to only one patient. tubes were attached to you, needles poking at the delicate vein in your wrist. it hurts to move, it hurts to discover you woke up alone.

the hours passed, each tick of the hands of the clock racing against your own thoughts. a nurse found you awake while in a roaming duty, and alerted the doctor. it was not after that when you saw hoshina again.

"how are you feeling?" you could sense his awkwardness from across the room. you saw his hesitation to come close to you; you cannot decided whether to feel satisfied that he seems to be in pain seeing you like this.

"i can't do this anymore, soshiro." your throat was dry from not speaking in ages, and your words sounded hoarse, as if you had to scrape yourself for them. "i almost died, and i can't do this anymore."

a piece of you wanted for him to tell you to shut up.

"i could have died, and you weren't there. and my god, this entire time i had to assess if i am just selfish, or greedy, and i know there are people to save, but soshiro, it's tiring to be the one who loves the other more," you exclaimed. "maybe it's my mistake that i am in a relationship with the third division's vice-captain but i fell in love with hoshina soshiro."

"i'm sorry." you didn't miss the slight tremble in hoshina's voice, and your chest tightened because after everything, he couldn't say you what you needed to hear.

"i would have died trying to save you, you know," you added weakly.

"i'm sorry," he repeated like a chant, like some mantra that would cure everything damaged for you and for him.

"me too," you replied, because there was nothing else left to say.

[youredyingthatsallthereis]

"bug? you still there?"

roach jolted awake, nodding before he remembered ghost couldn't see him. "mhm," he hummed, hoping the affirmative was loud enough that ghost would hear.

"thought i lost ya there for a second," ghost teased. "gettin' sleepy on me again?"

just a little, but im fine, roach typed into their chat.

"hm," ghost mused into his mic. roach blinked and refocused on the stream; ghost was playing stardew valley for him again. they were quiet for a moment as ghost made quick work of harvesting some rice and jogging over to the barn his livestock were in. "if you're tired i can just cut it here, its not a big deal."

no no no, its fine! roach typed quickly. i like listening to you talk.

it was far from the first time he'd said it, but every time he said it now it felt...heavier, somehow. like there was more...something in it.

it had been a few months of this; they took turns streaming games for each other as a way to chat and hang out and over the course of their time doing it roach had found himself feeling more and more...something for ghost. he'd never had such a strong feeling about anyone before, nothing even close; he'd never felt so happy and calm and content to just listen to someone before.

ghosts accent was unique to his american ears, something he wasnt used to but that he enjoyed enormously. something lilting and calm and just distinctly ghost that made him smile every time the call connected and ghost said "hey bug." the gentle inflection, the sweet nickname, all of it just very...as much as roach felt flutters in his stomach admitting it (even in his own mind), it was just theirs.

presently ghost chuckled at the freely given compliment. "i love that you like to listen to me."

they always did it like this; a voice call for roach to listen to ghost when he streamed, and a video stream with chat when roach played survival horror for ghost. roach relied on sign and expressions/body language to convey his moods/reactions, and while ghost was still trying to pick up on some of the ASL roach frequently used (like 'why' and 'do not want') he hoped that ghost appreciated being able to see him.

ghost had told him early on that video calls made him feel a little awkward and that's why he just preferred voice, and even though he couldn't talk back roach was happy to do it this way. their way. more than anything he wanted ghost to feel comfortable and was ever grateful that he got to listen to him at all.

he smiled and cuddled his blåhaj closer, propping himself up against the wall behind his bed to try and stay awake. something about listening to ghost narrate what he was doing while he walked around his farm or the caves or even just stood and fished, wanting to get every single type of fish possible, made him feel so content and calm and frankly, safe. he felt embarrassed to even have the thought, but sometimes when he closed his eyes while ghost was talking he wondered if that was what it would feel like to have ghost really sitting next to him, talking to him close while he played maybe on a switch or on his laptop. he wondered if ghost would want them to sit close enough to be touching softly, maybe their legs pressed up against each otherwhile roach sleepily enjoyed his narrations.

"do you think i should bother with more chickens? or maybe more ducks? i like having the extra mayo for sale," ghost was musing out loud.

"hmmm," roach hummed thoughtfully. i'd go for a few more ducks as long as the hay to feed them isnt too expensive, he typed into their chat. they're cute and i love how you named them all after sanrio characters. you could call the next one tuxedo sam.

"true, kuromi the void duck was the last one i got, and that was a while ago," ghost considered. "and that big blue penguin is damn cute."

roach smiled. he loved ghost's fixation on sanrio characters, finding it as endearing as he was realizing he found just about everything else about ghost.

"are you sure you're not too tired?" ghost asked one more time. "its almost the end of the in game day and my save isn't going anywhere."

roach bit his lip. one more day? he asked. then i should probably go to sleep; its almost 1am here.

ghost chuckled over the call. "alright," he agreed. "one more day."

[ah0minecchi]

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 - eren j. ࿐˚ . ✦

A/N: OKAYYY so i wrote this back in 2021, so it MAY OR MAY NOT be shitty asf, but pls bear with me while i write smth better (ノД`).

CW: use of alcohol, mentions of nsfw, angst

NOW PLAYING! 💿 mistakes like this - prelow

<𝟑.𖥔 ݁ ˖

he never voiced whatever was in his mind. that is something i will never be able to stand about eren.

things haven't been the same for months now, we barely spoke to each other when hanging out with friends, and our apartment lived in a constant and cold silence.  it's almost like every breath i took just annoyed him even more. i've tried convincing myself that maybe i was just confused and things were just complicated that day, and the next day, and the next day. but no. im not confused, i haven't been for a while now.

the only times we would direct minimum attention towards each other was on fridays when we would hang out with armin, mikasa, jean, sasha and connie. that was the only day of the week we could forget whatever that was going on between us. get drunk, have fun then go home and have the only type of interaction that worked between us, even if we weren't even really conscious about it.

i wanted to know what has been holding him back from being the way he used to be around me. i wanted to know what crossed his mind whenever he thought about me. what was he dreaming about. what was he whispering to himself when i was asleep. maybe i have taken something from him, something i don't know how to return. i hoped he didn't care, but whatever was lost between us clearly did matter.

this friday wasn't any different from the previous ones. all six of us were hanging at armin's , laughing at some stupid joke jean would say or making fun of connie for boxing himself, not like i'd remember anyway, i was too drunk. everyone was. i decided it was a good idea to get some fresh air so i went to the apartment's balcony. i noticed how all voices and noises from inside would shut down and be drowned by the sound of wind and cars driving around at least 30 meters below my feet as i closed the door.

suddenly i started feeling heavier, my senses started to feel more real and i started to perceive everything that was happening around me. for the first time in the last months i was able to realize what was going on in our usual friday hangouts.

we were here just trying to pretend that everything was still the same, that we were the couple we've always been. i felt the urge to drink something, anything that could make me go back to my careless state, but what did i win from that? what did we win from that? i wondered if i should just tell eren that we were leaving, but how could i take from him the only thing that makes him happy nowadays?

maybe that's all i have been doing this whole time, holding him back. even if i still wanted him to be with me, i was more concerned for what he'd leave if he stayed. it killed me to know that what we had wasn't enough to make him happy, in fact, that it was was what taking his happiness away. watching us get so drunk we wouldn't know where we were even standing made me want to take the bottle away from his grip and hug him so tight until he sobered up.

i asked myself what was the reason for me to do this to him. why did i still want him around me physically if he wasn't able to be around emotionally? i felt like some lost puppy, what would i do without him? was letting him go the best thing i could do? maybe we didn't work together and that was it. but it felt a lot deeper and complex than that. i started to see some of our memories together in my mind. how we would talk hours on end without getting bored. at some point i used to think eren was the only person that was able to understand what happened inside my twisted mind (and the only one willing to), but now it felt like he was the type of person that would never be able to empathize with me.

suddenly i heard the glass door being opened and a very drunk eren asking me to go home. we said our farewells to armin, sasha, mikasa, jean and a passed out connie as we exited the apartment. on our way home eren had his arm losely around my waist and would giggle at something random every 10 seconds or so. he would also leave happy kisses on my cheek now and then. is this really how things have been every time we did this? was getting drunk what we needed to be around each other the way we used to?  it felt impossible to believe that at some point we would do the same things without the necessity of alcohol. tears started rolling down my cheeks as i listened to eren's laugh. all my makeup's running by now. everything felt so fucking fake and empty.

as soon as we entered our own apartment he pressed his lips against mine desperately as he pulled me to our shared room. he gave me that look. the same look he gave me everytime we would trust the other with something so intimate. but for the first time i didn't give him the look i would usually have on my face in that occasion. i did want him, but it didn't feel right. i looked at him with my tear stained gaze to which he just stared at, his eyes drowning with desire. i hated being like this, feeling so weak for him. all i could think about was him, and his lips. i kissed him with every drop of passion that was left in me, because it would be the last time i'll be doing it. it surely didn't feel as every other time we did this. i won't make the same mistake again. i was too damn sober for mistakes like this.

and i soon as he fell asleep i packed my bags and left our apartment silenter and colder than ever.

tysm for reading, likes & reblogs are appreciated!! <3

[fifthrideroftheapocalypse]

last book i ...

thanks for the tag @lemonlyman-dotcom

idk why im deciding to do this because my book buying habits and my reading habits are so far out of alignment with each other that this will be interesting, i think.

so ...

BOUGHT:

Something Fabulous by Alexis Hall. I really like Alexis Hall. I have not read this yet. Purchased last summer.

BORROWED:

Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. Funnily enough, I've bought this book three times, all as gifts, but have never read it. Someone I bought it for let me borrow it so I could read it. But I have not yet.

WAS GIFTED:

This is How You Lose the Time War. Dad called me earlier in the year while he was out of town to tell me he was at the bookstore and wondering what book I wanted as payment for watching the dogs. At first, I was annoyed because I'd rather be paid to watch the dogs but then I remembered this book going viral on twitter so I told him this one. Haven't read.

STARTED:

Mexican Gothic. Literally just started this week. Reading for my work's book club and while that sounds like I have a very good excuse to finish reading it, I have not been able to finish a single book club book since I started participating late last year. Determined for this one, though.

FINISHED:

Glitterland. Again, I really like Alexis Hall. I've read multiple Alexis Hall books. This one I read early last year. I'm not entirely sure it is the last one I finished but I don't think it bodes well that it's the only one I remember finishing recently.

I really liked Glitterland. Pretty easy read. Characters were complicated and amazing. I remember liking it because it touched on heavier themes than some of the other Alexis Hall books I've read.

DIDN’T FINISH:

Delilah Green Doesn't Care. Technically almost every book I've listed can fall under Didn't Finish. But all the ones listed above I started and was really liking and have every intention of going back to them. But Delilah Green Doesn't Care ... yeah, I really wasn't liking this one at all. And I got fairly decently into it. I tried really hard, but something about the writing I wasn't vibing with.

This is probably the last one I really sat down to read with the intention of finishing in like, two days, but I just couldn't do it.

not really sure why I did this but it is more clear to me now how little reading of books I actually do. kinda depressing because I used to read constantly. i buy a lot of books because i always love having them on hand and always want to dive into them. but then i just ... don't. maybe i should do a post of all the books i've started and will one day finish, even if i started them years ago. and then i can make my way through that check list. we'll see.

no pressure tagging: @liminalmemories21 @alrightbuckaroo @paperstorm @rmd-writes @bonheur-cafe

@lightningboltreader @reyesstrand

[tennessoui]

hiii! if u were to write more obikin fairytale fics which ones would u pick .... asking for. friend .... bc personally. i think. elsa anakin is the funniest fuckign thing ever it just aligns so well.

Ooo I only saw Frozen the once 🤔 I don’t remember much of it if im being honest…..maybe a story where anakin stays on mortis and every year obi-wan makes the trek to try and find mortis again to convince him to come back and every time he can’t until he confesses that he loves him and needs him to be anakin again, not the son of the Force, just anakin……feels heavier than the other fairytale tropes fics though 😆

I’ve said before that if I did another fairytale story it would be little mermaid-esque where obi-wan loses his voice when anakin is a kid and only gets it back when anakin’s all grown up and in love with him and so he kisses him for the first time

(though I think a princess and the frog sort of au also has potential….except it’s like bunnywan or nyanakin and the curse is broken insanely quickly because anakin just has to kiss his bunny masters lil forehead/obi-wan thinks Nyanakin is so easy to kiss 🥺 he’s so fluffy 🥺)

[alienspacerat]

i don’t weight myself anymore, or count calories

yes, you read that right.

and im still losing weight.

i used to count calories all the time. it was very strenuous on me mentally. it was stressful and also resulted in a lot of guilt whenever i exceeded my cal limit, even just by 100 cals.

but at some point, i decided that i was gonna stop calorie counting, and instead just eat very small portions and/or fast. and i still continued to lose weight. i don’t remember why, i think it was environmental factors, that lead me to changing the way i tracked my food intake.

i don’t have a set calorie limit anymore. i just try to restrict as best i can. occasionally, i would add up the calories in my head, but not often.

however, i was MUCH more attached to my weight and the scale than i was cal counting. i weighed myself multiple times a day every day. i would always keep an eye on the third digit.

119.4

118.6

117.2

116.8

i was fixated on the third digit changing each and everyday. it made me feel like i was finally doing something right. what i was doing, was working.

but whenever i see any weight gain on the scale, my world would come crashing down, it seemed. but then i started losing again, and the number in the scale gave me that euphoric feeling.

honestly, i would’ve loved to have used my scale forever. i had the same scale from 152lbs down to 100.8lbs. that scale saw me at my heaviest, and my lowest, and everything in between. it was almost like a friend, as cringey as that sounds. it was my go to, my solace whenever i needed a reality check. my cheerleader, and also my bully.

i didn’t just up and decided that i didn’t have to weigh myself anymore. my scale started to act funny, and wasn’t being accurate anymore. i was going through a lot at the time, so i didn’t have time or much money to go and find batteries for my scale. i had very pressing matters that i had to focus on, so i felt like i couldn’t weigh myself for a bit, but still restricted/fasted

when my personal life finally started to ease up, a bit, i decided to buy a brand new scale! i felt like i deserved it. but when i stepped on it for the first time, i was in shock. i was a lot heavier than i thought. or maybe that scale was also inaccurate? idk, i just could’ve sworn i was 10lbs less than what the scale was implying.

that day, i decided to give up the scale completely. it was only causing me distress, and was decreasing my quality of life. without the scale, i was much more at ease with my weight loss. i was not controlled by numbers anymore. it’s such a lighter feeling.

i still bodycheck like a motherfucker, and take weird photos of my body and like touching my bones. those are my new “scales”. those are the habits that are keeping me on track, instead of being haunted by the numbers. the real evidence will show on my body.

[homenecromancer]

i wasn’t gonna keep track of election results, but the Spanish-speaking guys at my work were curious so i had a look at the early returns and

i mainly blog when im feeling bad, so i have not mentioned that my severe anxiety problem has gotten a bit better, at the price of just kinda feeling worn out and detached from the world in general

in 2020 i remember being way more invested in the results of the election, and this time i’m like… interested but not emotionally involved, although i know it would make sense for me to be much more emotional about the potential results than i am

whether it’s because i’m burnt out and exhausted, or if i’ve actually matured and grown as a person in the past four years, or maybe some of both… regardless of the results — despite the little part of me that is always ready to see doom right around the corner — i’m just kind of resigned. no matter how the polls stand when i get off of work, i still have to brush the snow off of my car and drive home. some aspects of my life might get more difficult, depending on who is in power.

but more and more as i get older, i see things from a different perspective; history weighs heavier on me. four years is less than the blink of an eye compared to all of human history. queer people like me have existed for as long as there have been human beings on Earth — despite every effort that has been made to get rid of us, we remain and endure. and that’s what i intend to do — to keep on living.

[its-no-biggie]

okay i said before that i didnt have a lot to say about banana fish but i lied. i have thoughts about the ending (spoilers ahead!)

because holy shit. like. ash deciding not to see eiji?? and eiji knowing that hes doing it for his own good, and trying and failing not to get his hopes up, and giving the letter to sing to deliver? and sing yelling at ash to go see eiji and ash still not budging? and then ash reads the letter and THATS what changes his mind, so he gets up and starts running and its all priming you for the dramatic reunion at the airport. something something love can overcome anything, happily ever after, the end, right?

but then ash gets stabbed. by someone who had obviously been tailing him and wasnt particularly skilled. someone who never shouldve been able to sneak up on him. and its such a forceful reminder that eiji is ashs weakness, which we've known from the start, but the danger was supposed to be over! it specifically waits for you to let your guard down, to really slam it home that everyone was RIGHT. that eiji makes ash let his guard down, and that it would one day get him killed.

and like. okay. we know this from very early on. the narrative is perfectly clear that what they have is doomed. that its going to cause a lot of pain for both of them and can never end happily. you want to believe that they can overcome it, that once the fighting is over they can be happy together, but the story keeps telling you over and over that this isnt going to go that way, no matter how much either of them want it. BUT. the point is that it was worth it anyway.

ash lowers his defenses around eiji, and thats a GOOD thing. being together puts them both in danger, but its better than being apart. to love is to be vulnerable, and having someone that you can trust, that you can let your guard down around, is something worth fighting for. worth losing everything for. worth DYING for. ash is CONSTANTLY presented with chances to fix everything if he can just let go of eiji. but he chooses eiji every time and even though it always makes his own life worse, his own burden heavier, he never once regrets it. theres nothing he wouldnt do to keep eiji safe. to keep eiji nearby. he sabotages his own allies to save him. he risks getting caught just to see him one more time. he drops everything for an opportunity at happily ever after and pays the ultimate price for it. but he NEVER EVER REGRETS IT. he dies because of his love for eiji and he does it with a smile on his face. and eiji goes back to his peaceful and happy life with tears in his eyes because hes doing it without ash.

i dunno. maybe im reading into it too much, or maybe this is an extremely surface level analysis and everyone got it the first time but me. but i just remember the first time i watched it, being so shaken by the ending. i thought they deserved a happy ending, and was hoping they would finally get it, but when it didnt happen i didnt feel betrayed or frustrated by it. just shaken. it felt like a really good ending, but i couldnt pinpoint why. because all i could think is that it seems so unfair to rip away their happy ending like that. and it took this second watch through to really figure out why it works.

also side note but. as much as i respect the asheiji shippers (because like. yeah. literally the most resonable ship ever) im really glad that its platonic in the show. they love each other very deeply, and thats what the show is about, but it doesnt HAVE to be romantic to be meaningful. and i like that! i can certainly see the shipping potential, and i can even see how it could be interpreted as queer-coded, but i also just like it as a story about friendship. its really nice. anyway 10/10 i love this show so much

[whenyoulosesmallmind]

the more i go over this drama, the more i am amazed at how theatrical it looks; as i said before, the camera work is very simple, may it be because it was 1969, may it be because it was made for tv, maybe it was even a conscious choice - but! the camera movements are so fluid in the way they follow the actors, focusing on the character's emotions and body language or distancing itself from the action to include thematics particulars from the set and give the scene more breath - im enamoured with how the kitchen scene with alyosha, ivan, smerdyakov and fyodor in the second episode is shot; first, the scene is set with a larger shot where grigory and smerdyakov are setting the table and fyodor and ivan are eating - might i add, giving ivan a cigar to smoke in this scene was chef kiss - then alyosha comes in and as the discussion progresses into more heavier themes the camera pans nervously from smerdyakov to ivan, the frame getting closer still, until it settles unto smerdyakov as he maniacally empasises his final points.

it seems like nothing, but i love this production's earnestness.

some more sparse notes:

absolutely mad props to the costume department; it's not exactly period accurate, but it's just so fitting - ivan's cunty coat he wears meeting with father zosima needs his own separate analysis post

i don't remember if this happens also in the original text - i will check - but even if in italian there's a semantic distinction between the kinds of "i love yous", "ti voglio bene" for familial/platonic love and "ti amo" for the romantic kind, for the adaptation is mantained the latter for every instance and it is making me insane and i need time to elaborate

speaking of semantic decisions, i don't know if it was more commonly used at the time, but they refer to grusha as "la grushenka" and the brothers call fyodor "babbo" instead than "papà" and it's so funny bcs putting the article before female names and referring to ones father as "babbo" are notorius quirks of the tuscanian dialect so-- the karamazovs have become tuscanians

also, "babbo" is used as a way of saying "dad" only in tuscany - and maybe other central/southern italian regions? idk i can only speak for tuscany - bcs in other dialects "babbo" is used as a synonim for "idiot/dumb". lmao

im not hundred percent sold on carla gravina as katerina, she has a bit more of a... manic? feel that i got from the katya from the book, more nervous, but we'll see, i wasn't completely sold on corrado pani as dmitrij as well initially and now im respectfully biting him, so -- though i loved her close up when she's calling dmitrij "villainous". v nice

that said, lea massari absolutely owned the hand kiss scene and i have no words to describe my emotions

another aside about corrado pani, his decision to play dmitrij just cuntily leaning on stuff and get into peoples' faces when he's talking to them was something i wasnt expecting to be so into but here i am

literally no one's doing it like him. later in this scene he asks alyosha if he was falling asleep while he was recounting his military adventures

[lixiebokie]

through his lens

———————————————————————

idol: stray kids hyunjin x reader

photographer!hyunjin x artist!reader

———————————————————————

chapter 3: hyunjin has his eye on someone

��🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼

first classes rolled around quicker than expected. the group had took time apart to focus of studies for the first week, well expect hyunjin who found a way to sneak into the art studio to each lunch with y/n every day.

hyunjin was into art just as much as her. but didn’t see it as a career more as a hobby. which is a way he distinguished his love for photography being much heavier.

hyunjin picked up his first camera when he was 8. it was a disposable one his mother brought him while they were at jeju. he wanted to take pictures but wasn’t old enough to have a phone.

the sunset was the first thing that caught his eye. it was a orangey, red swirly pattern. the picture wasn’t the best quality considering he was a child using a shitty disposable camera but it didn’t stop him from hanging it from the bunting in his dorm room just above his bed. he used a small vloging type camera until he was 15, when he finally got a professional camera. he got it for christmas, it was big heavy and expensive. he was sure it costed like 1,000,000 won or something.

his father was against the idea of buying such an expensive camera for a teenager. ‘it would get broken in seconds’ but hyunjin proved him wrong as it is the same camera he used today.

y/n on the other hand had been exposed to art her whloe life. from crappy kids arts sets that would keep her away from her mothers expensive art studio, up to now we’re she wanted to persue it as a career. her mother owned a flower shop in town. it wasn’t the most popular so she spent most her time sketching the items in there. y/n spent her weekends there, if she wasn’t at hyunjins house. her mothers drawing started to get noticed and rather than coming for the flower people would visit the shop to buy portraits of them. her mother long sold the shop but now spends her time as an etsy artist as her job.

of course y/n didn’t want that job. she wanted to be some big artist, maybe like bob ross or something. or she could have her own art exhibition, now that was her dream. or maybe do a collab with a fashion brand, but she was thinking too far ahead.

unlike hyunjin, y/n can’t remember her first drawing probably some one in her family, maybe it was hyunjin. she doesn’t know but who would want to keep some kids shitty drawing anyway, it was probably stashed in her mothers room somewhere.

when the group finally decided to meet up again it was strange.

they met at the school canteen to discuss any plans they had on the weekend. seungmin had brought his roommate, and new friend, felix who fit in straight away. he was australian like chan, so it was nice to have something to remind them of him.

“told you they’d be together.” seungmin pointed to the two of sliding into their seats.

“how many days did you go without seeing each other?” neither of them answered instead taking the drinks, that seungmin had order for them, into their mouths.

“im guessing none then,” he rolled his eyes. “anyway we need to discuss what we’re doing this weekend. the first week of uni coming to an end deserves a treat so maybe we could go to the bar down the street or go out to the bowling alley in town?”

seungmin was the one to organise plans, it use to be chan but after finding out he wouldn’t be with them in uni, he decided to take over the role. and he fucking good at it, he always knew about the best places to eat or found the best hang out spots. they’d only been here less than a week and he already had the city mapped out.

“hm, maybe bar. i need a drink after the week i’ve had.” y/n sighed pushing her head off hyunjins shoulder and into her hands.

“the week you had? you paint all day it’s not stressful.” jiha scoffed placing down her phone. y/n looked up around the table swapping frowns with the others.

“that was so uncalled for.”

“im just saying how stressful could that be? take dress code for example, you get to wear whatever old scraps you have laying around, me on the other hand has to wear a blouse and skirt everyday. meaning i have to get home everyday wash this, dry it, iron it before i even get to relax.” she pointed down to the pink skirt and white blouse under her black blazer.

“jiha it’s not a competition.” hyunjin spoke from across the table.

“yeah you were the one who picked to study law. they aren’t going to force me to wear my best clothes just for them to get ruined.”

“im just saying you have no right to say you had stressful week painting, that doesn’t even make sense.”

seungmin rolled his eyes. “okay, bar it is i think jiha needs a drink down her.”

“hey you alright?” hyunjin asked swinging their hands back and fourth as the group walked back to the dorms.

hyunjin wanted to walk y/n alone so that he ask her what was up with jiha. but he could exactly tell his friends to leave without sounding like a bitch himself.

“yeah, you?” hyunjin hummed.

“yeah! by the way, i don’t think your clothes look like scraps.” y/n smiled. hyunjin always knew what was wrong, and after jihas comment she felt like she looked disgusting.

“thanks jinnie.”

“are they together?” felix whispered to seungmin even though they were further behind the two.

“no!” seungmin made a cross with his arms. “they hate when people say that. i’m warning you never say that infront of them y/n will have a fit.”

“when doesn’t she?” jiha commented.

—

the bar was full but it was a friday night so who would have guessed. they had found their way into getting a booth for felix knowing someone who worked there. and soon as they sat down all were drinking and trying to forget the past week they had.

jiha was trying to find someone to talk to for the night which y/n thought was abit strange. her and jisung had broken up less than a month ago and she was already moved on. but she wasn’t jiha so she had no right to but into her choices.

“seungmo take a picture of me and y/n for insta please.” jiha passed him her phone pulling the other girl in a close but loose hug and posing.

it felt like jiha had gone back to her old self. the happy self she was when she was with jisung, not the sarcastic, rude jiha that had been there all week.

maybe she was just stressed.

“isn’t he cute, maybe you should go talk to him?” jiha suggested to a blonde boy in the corner.

he was cute, but she wasn’t attracted to him.

“looks like hyunjins eyeing someone.” felix snickered pointing to the boy who had his attention taken by some girl in the crowd.

he turned looking back at the others.

“you like blue dress? go talk to her!” y/n shoved her trying to get him to stand and leave the table.

“blue? that’s nessa she’s in class. she’s so sweet and definitely your type!” jiha shouted over to him.

hyunjin stood looking at the others and saluting. “i’ll see you later.” he walked off with a powerful stride to go see her.

hyunjin always had been confident talking to girls because he’d always been noticed by girls. since he hit puberty, he’d never been rejected and constantly asked out. his last girlfriend was a year and a half ago when he was 17. sadly not many of his relationships worked out because they didn’t like how close he was with y/n.

but he wasn’t going to ditch his best friend of 19 years for someone he’s knew for a couple of months.

y/n was the opposite, she wasn’t ever asked out or anything. maybe it was because she was so shy or the fact she was a nerdy looking person until she was 16, when she finally started caring about her appearance. she got rejected by her first crush when she was 14 and who was there to comfort her? hyunjin.

“hey i’m gonna go talk to the blondie i’ll text you what happens.” jiha winked to y/n before walking over to the one who she’d tried to set her up with 5 minutes prior.

somehow throughout the night seungmin had wandered his way into another friend group. he knew some of them from his classes. y/n only knew one of them from her art class, his name jungkook or something.

it was only her and felix left.

felix was really nice, he wasn’t awkward and asked questions that were genuinely interesting.

“so how long have you known hyunjin?”

“my whole life basically, we grew up together.”

felix nodded. “i wish i grew up with someone i was really close to.”

“it’s great, but i guess im lucky he’s stuck with me.” y/n turned looking at hyunjin who was with girl from earlier trying to eat her.

“you’re really nice you know y/n no wonder hyunjin stayed with you. you’re really close.” felix chuckled awkwardly.

“thanks, we get that.. a lot.”

felix grew up in australia so when he moved he left all his friends and had to go out and make more friends in college. but he wasn’t really close to them. he was really glad he met seungmin on the first day. he finally had friends again.

y/n felt like she was talking to chans little brother.

not because they were both australian and definitely not physically as chan was a muscly teddy bear unlike felix but because they both had that comfort in the way they talk. neither of them were loud, would rather sit in slience. they were both the type of people you would go to if you needed advice. y/n hadn’t asked felix for any yet but she knew the day shed needed to he would be there for her.

y/n found out felix was studying IT. he wants to be a game designer, he spent his childhood playing games and would love a job designing them.

felix reminded her so much a chan she couldn’t get his face out of her head while talking to him.

“you’re really pretty you know.” felix played with her hair. she giggled smiling at him, she wasn’t use to getting compliments especially from attractive people so she couldn’t help but blush.

felix leaned in slightly, she could feel his breath on her face. it was happening so fast he was so close to her, and she was panicking. why was she panicking? she found felix attractive and no doubt had been flirting with him for the past hour so why was she so against this?

his lips barley touched hers, it was light she barley felt before she pulled away.

“um sorry.. it’s late, i should.” she moved away making felix scoot back.

“im so sorry.. i didn’t mean.”

“no it’s fine i’m just gonna go find seungmin, i’ll see you around lix.” she smiled rushing off.

she went home that night, throwing off her shoes and climbing into bed. she tried to reach chan over facetime but he must have been busy, chan wasn’t one to sleep and they were still basically in the same time zones.

she cried when chan didn’t pick up, she missed him.

she wanted to see him but lucky she got a text saying he’d call her in the morning.

hyunjin had went home with felix. felix didn’t bring up what happened. he was convinced she’d ran off because she liked hyunjin. he knew seungmin told him not to think they were cute together and how she pushed him to go talk to that girl but something in his mind was telling him different.

hyunjin ended up splitting from that girl, one of her friends had slipped up how she already had a boyfriend and hyunjin would like to keep his beautiful face in one piece.

he didn’t know were y/n ran off to with seungmin but when he asked felix, he said she must of had too much to drink. he wondered if he was being too obvious. should he speak to hyunjin? they were best friends.. but apart of felix told him to stay quiet about what has happened that night.

📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼📸🌼

[lookatlavender]

you sound so very delicious cumming in that audio, sweet one. it sounds like you came hard, didn’t you? i think the denial is good for you.

how many times have you cum since then? i’d love if you told us a little about how it felt after being denied for so long. how did you cum? what pushed you over?

maybe since you enjoyed that orgasm so much im you should continue your denial by asking for permission on here every time you want to cum… put up a poll for 24 hours and let your followers decide if you deserve a full orgasm, a ruin, an edge, or nothing at all 🥰

i definitely will be making myself cum to that audio. you’re such a very good boy for denying yourself for all of us, and letting us hear you cum so hard. do you like knowing you’re a toy for everyone’s pleasure?

i’ll be back later with some more thoughts that your recent replies inspired… 💫

i came super hard 😵‍💫😵‍💫🙈🙈 definitely so much more intense than normal orgasms are for me, even the ones i’ve been having the last few days have been back to normal. i think i’ve cum about 10 times probably? that first day back i only came 2 times, i ended up being so busy that day and this whole weekend i’ve barely had time to focus on getting off 😭

the first one back was so intense though, especially mixed with the sensation of fucking my own ass 🙈 i’d never done it before and it was such a different feeling to using my pussy, so it took a second to get used to it and start to build the right rhythm. once i used my fingers on my clit too i started getting close. it’s actually kind of nice that i was distracted fucking myself because it made it take longer for my orgasm to build, so instead of a few intense second and then it’s over i really felt the whole process. the build up was heavier cause it took longer, and then when i finally tipped over i came so hard my whole body convulsed 🙈🙈🙈 (thinking about you listening to me and wondering what you’d think of my sounds got me there btw 😇🤭)

i can’t remember if my eyes shut or rolled back in my head but i know my back was arched, and i was shaking enough that i could barely keep my hand in the right spot to keep working over my tdick 😵‍💫🥴 the physical sensation was much stronger than i’m usually able to get with my fingers. before i did these challenges i used my vibrator all the time basically, so i was barely able to make myself cum with just my hands or just a toy. but now i’m way more sensitive, and using my fingers felt just as intense as a vibrator used to 🙈🙈 i had to pull my hands away pretty soon because i was getting overstimmed 😵‍💫🙈 normally i like feeling overstimulation and leading it into another orgasm, but after denial it made me so sensitive i couldn’t keep it up 😵‍💫

~

gonna give myself a little break before going into a proper denial again, but i definitely like the idea of doing this sometimes, any time i want a little taste of control from you all 🙈 and i would put myself on a strict no-touch while i wait for the poll to finish, of course 🤭

i’ve also thought up a few edging games where the punishment is a denial period, so i’m sure y’all will see me publish one of those soon 😇

~

i hope you use my audio to cum many, many times 🤭🥴 knowing i’m a toy for you all is my favorite part of all of this, knowing that i get you all off by putting myself through so many fun kinky scenarios for you and giving up my orgasms. that’s really the best part to me - knowing that you all get off specifically on me not being allowed to get off, to feel any pleasure. it’s just so hot and mean and perfect and ugh 🙈🙈🙈

can’t wait to hear more from u 🤭

and i think you inspired me now that i’m finally able to take the time and reply. today at work was so ridiculous, and i think to make the next couple days more fun i’m gonna go ahead and put up a poll asking for permission to cum 🤭 it sounds like too much fun to just not do it 🤭🙈

[swampgallows]

enrichment, enclosure, etc.

i am enjoying the new wow xpac but also i really want to go outside and do things again :/ 

cant walk xena because of her leg and even though ive been getting up at relatively normal times the sun goes down at 4pm and all of that so i havent even been going on walks around the neighborhood

i do not leave the house for weeks at a time. 

im tired of eating, and ive been getting nauseous and dizzy a lot lately so ive only been eating maybe once or twice a day. im pretty sure it’s because i’m getting zero physical activity, except for the ringfit i do every other day, which i had to drastically reduce the difficulty of compared to the start of the year and it’s still kicking my ass because ive been so insanely sedentary. still heavier than i used to be, and i dare not weigh myself now. it will only make the situation even harder to deal with.

i recently got a ton of records but i have zero desire to play them let alone stream. really bummed about how the transitions in my headphones are not actually what’s going through the master, so most of my recordings are complete trainwrecks. i didnt realize this because i didnt have monitors until recently (getting to use them is a whole other issue). also annoyed that nobody told me, so all this time ive been like “i’ll dj! i’ll stream!” thinking ive been improving, and it turns out it’s been sloppy ka-chunk ka-chunk shit the entire time.

i havent been listening to music at all of any kind. it just bums me out. i cant remember the last time i danced. ive just been listening to podcasts and audiobooks or voice chat, save for the first week of dragonflight where i immersed myself in the game audio and nothing else.

between dragonflight and watching the extended lotrs over the last few weeks ive been aching for adventure and the life i used to live. not just road trips and raves and all of that, but the magic of strangers and the miles-long journeys on foot. 

im tired of writing this. but my therapist retired. i was assigned a new one, who is dogshit, and i will be meeting with her on wednesday specifically to have her refer me to a new therapist. i will be hard pressed to get someone as professional as my previous one, as part of the reason she retired when she did is because she knew the upcoming changes were not conducive to any actual treatment or improvement for mental health.

people love to dish out platitudes like “you’re not alone” and “you can get help” and “talk to your doctor”. feeding me wax fruit when im fucking starving. they say that shit because theyve never bit into this. they have no idea that it might look good on the outside, but the inside, it’s all hollow

[langhiyangloveyan]

as the weight of everything pressed down on me, everyday i find myself standing on the edge of despair, feeling like i might fall into the abyss anytime soon. each breath feels heavy, and every heartbeat reminds me how alone i am, like joy had been stolen away. i tried to reach out to friends and family, but it seemed like everyones moving on with their lives while im stuck in a gray world. their laughter feels like a cruel joke, a reminder of the warmth i used to have. i want comfort, yes, but the idea of anyone getting too close made me uneasy. i dont wanna drag them into my darkness. it feels like im in a crowded room, surrounded by familiar faces, yet completely alone, like a ghost in a life that didnt feel like mine anymore. the doubts and sadness growing louder, drowning out any hope. sometimes i could almost hear the tempting call of giving up, promising an end to the pain and a break from the constant anxiety that had became my shadow. this is one of my darkest times, and the thought of moving forward feels impossible. every day is a struggle, a battle against the invisible chains that is holding me back. i wanna scream, to let the world know how trapped i feel, but the words never come. they're stuck in my throat, tangled with fear and shame. the nights are the hardest. when the world quiets down, my thoughts become a chaotic storm, swirling around my mind. id lie in bed, staring at the ceiling feeling utterly lost. the darkness wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket, and i wish for nothing more than to escape it. i rmmber the pact i had made with myself long ago, the promise to choose peace over pain. it was a promise that had been buried beneath layers of obligation and expectation, but now it resurfaced, clearer than ever. i envisioned a quiet place, free from the chaos, where i could finally find solace. the thought brought a strange sense of calm, a flicker of hope amidst the darkness. i try to distract myself, scrolling endlessly on my phone, hoping to find something, anything, that could pull me out of this pit. but all i find are images of happy faces, adventures, and laughter. its like a knife twisting in my gut, reminding me of what i dont have. i wanna tell someone how i feel, tell them about the things trapped in my mind, but its locked away like a secret i couldnt share. i started to isolate myself. id decline invitations, make excuses, and hide away in my room. it felt safer this way, away from the world that seemed to move on without me. maybe if i just stayed quiet, the pain would lessen. but it only grew heavier, like a weight on my chest that i couldnt shake off. the days blurred together. mornings were just a reminder that i had to face another day, and nights filled with thoughts that spirals out of control. wishing for a way out. the darkness feels like a thick fog, wrapping around me, making it hard to see anything beyond the sadness. sometimes, id catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of happier times. a song on the radio, a photo on my phone, or even a smell that took me back to a better moment. but those glimpses were fleeting, and the pain would come flooding back. i feel like imdrowning in my own despair, unable to find a lifeline to cling to. i wonder if anyone would even notice if i disappeared. would they care? would they even remember me? i know i need help from other people, but the thought of reaching out felt daunting. what if they dont understand? what if they judged me? the fear of rejection is paralyzing, and ig its better if i just stay trapped in my own mind. i know i need to find a way out, but the darkness feels suffocating. its like trying to breathe underwater, impossible to find air. i feel like im running out of time, like the darkness was closing in on me.

[mr-nauseam]

Look. I write a lot of Coriolanus pov. Sometimes for plot reasons when are my solos fics and others in the collabs bc Vicó say she like read how I write that bitch. So I wrote a lot from his pov. And not only that. My solo fics and collabs are heavy angst sometimes even horror plots.

I portrait snowjanus only as an abusive ship. I wrote abuse and we have laboratory Au. That is a bit heavier than the other stories. It involve past medical torture and Coriolanus treat Sejanus like a mutto in that one.

I was writing what I call 10k of flop as a bad joke. This fic I do a concious effort to use a lenguage that deshumanize Sejanus because again Coriolanus see him like a mutto. Like an experiment.

One of the things I made was Coriolanus call Sejanus creature. Because CREATURE is an horrible word to say to another person. And other elements to make clear from Snow pov that he not think of Sejanus as a human like sometimes use it. Ok.

I stop. And I ask myself: "Im going to far?", "It not sound like an exaggeration?" I know he is bigotred and terrible but maybe for my dark plots Im writing out of characters things. So I go to reread the book and this a situation that happen to me lot of times. Lot of times really.

You know what I found in the book? That he is worst than I remember. He is not calling Sejanus and District people in his head creatures but savages. Beasts. Primitives. As a writer of angst, abusr, horror, I found every time that Snow real voice is more terrible. Than anything I could imagine for him.

So honestly. I dont get why many fans act like if it was not the case. He is horrible. He always was.