#every time i listen to that song i wonder how anyone thought brendon was an exceptionally good singer

[x-phonehome-x]

actually the only place i wanna see brendon at wwwy is forced to sing one of those nights with alex deleon and patrick stump

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

dying in UA (Shinsou Hitoshi X Reader)

GAH ANGST... >.< Dunno why I’m in that kinda mood... waaaaaah this made me so sad because I put in some of my own personal feelings in this one too... SO... That’s a warning! For intrusive thoughts and references to depression so... Reader Discretion is Advised...

I’m gonna make maybe two more parts to this... I have to! I have a plan... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW3axr0o0wY

Summary: Shinsou’s going to be in the Hero Course starting his second year, which was great until he remembered that he’s not the only one with big dreams. 

Hell is trying so hard to get what you want.

And Hell is the place Shinsou felt that he was born into. For the longest time he’s wanted to be a hero, and yet when he was 5 years old that’s when he discovered that his quirk lets him control people just by talking to them. He could make them do whatever he wanted them to do, or rather, it was limited, but still.

He can control people, and so naturally, that made him more like a villain than a hero. He’s heard it all before.

So naturally, that made me more like a villain than a hero. I’ve heard it all before. 

“Your quirk is more like a villain’s quirk.”

“Wow so you can make people do anything you want them huh?”

“Please don’t try anything weird on me okay?”

Stupid ignorant assholes. He would show them all that they were wrong about him, about his quirk. His dream was, no, it still is to be a hero. No his quirk isn’t flashy, but he knows how to use it well, shouldn’t that be all that matters? Why does everything have to fit in a damn category?

He doesn’t know. That’s why he’s stood alone most of the time. No one understood, and frankly he didn’t have time for people. He never really liked them much anyway, not after what they’ve said to him. He doesn’t necessarily hate people, but he would rather not be around many.

Some people call it a lonely life, but he’s used to being alone. He’s used to just sometimes staying home, bored and all alone with nothing but these pretentious thoughts of his. Sometimes just lying in bed and not feeling motivated enough to get out of bed or change his pajama pants.

Tonight, this was one of those moments as he had fallen into a fitful sleep just thinking too much about everything, his life, how he somehow made it into UA and for a moment, he actually thought that his dream had come true. Until he remembered that while he made it into the Hero Course, there were 21 other students here that wanted exactly what he wanted to. Every one of them wanted the same dream, and then he spent the rest of the night thinking, “What the hell am I going to do?”

Aizawa was a fantastic teacher and mentor, but how could Shinsou compete with everyone else here? What if Aizawa training him wasn’t a guarantee? What if all this time he was just fooling himself into thinking that this wasn’t going to work? The moment he stepped into this class it became clear to him, he’s just another kid with big dreams.

There was nothing special about him at all. He knew it, and the darkness in his mind knew it too, and always reminded him whenever he thought about it, whether he was awake, or asleep. 

“If it’s all too much… just keep sleeping…”

“I can’t sleep forever… just go away… I don’t need you to bother me…”

“I’m not going away anytime sugar… I’m a part of you…”

“Why can I stop… feeling this way…?”

“Hero. Villain. Does it really matter?”

“No… Nothing matters…”

“That’s right dear… Nothing matters at all…”

His eyebrows furrowed as he had fallen asleep, having a mental battle with the weight of hopelessness, misery and insecurities falling on top of him, pushing him to the ground until he lied on his back to just keep sleeping. No, he didn’t want to sleep…

Shinsou didn’t even realize that he was tossing and turning in his sleep until he felt a cool hand on his forehead and something soft on his cheek as he cracked his eyes open. “Mmm… Hito… what happened? What’s the matter? What’s the matter…?” You asked with a groggy yet somewhat frantic voice when you felt him thrashing about in his sleep again while you had cuddled up to him.

Suddenly he remembered that he wasn’t alone.

“Nothing…” Now he felt guilty, yet relieved that he had woken up, he hated it whenever he dreamt about his own troubled thoughts and depression literally weighing him down, and he still couldn’t move where he lied. It felt as if he was… trapped.

He felt trapped.

“Oh Hitoshi…” You cuddled up to him, putting your hand on his chest to steady him, feeling rather sad when you could practically feel his sadness. Aura Creation was a great quirk, for the most part, because it let you construct things out of your emotions as long as you could channel them, but at the same time it also let you experience the emotions of others which was very distracting sometimes and as a result you were highly sensitive to your own feelings and others.

Including your poor boyfriend, who swallowed his emotions and kept them bottled up that you teared up and let one slip from your closed eyes the second you touched him.

“There’s a dark fog in your brain…” You mumbled softly as you felt him sigh.

“There’s always a dark fog in my brain.” He replied somewhat sardonically as you wryly chuckled.

“That ain’t good…” Your tone was just as dry as you hugged him close, “Darling… I don’t think this… I know this… you’re way too hard on yourself…” Was all you could bring yourself to say, as Shinsou paid attention, even if he was lost in his thoughts, brain still feeling trapped.

“I know. I can’t stop… I hate it… I can’t even move. I just feel… trapped…” Shinsou might have sounded vague, but you completely understood him and nodded into his chest, “So do I ya know? Feels like while I’m here now… what after? Will it matter? I wonder… I mean… everyone here… is better than me. I know they are…” You thought outloud with a sad tone, and for a moment that lulled Shinsou out of the trap for just a moment.

He could not stand seeing or hearing you sound sad, for once he shifted a little bit where he lied to make sure you were okay, “Yeah… I get it… I really do.” Shinsou stopped thinking about himself for a minute, because while he was selfish by nature and was used to putting himself first, ever since he met you and fell in love with you, it changed a little bit. He wanted to put you first, because you loved him, you actually made him feel loved.

Even in these times where he was starting to realize just how terrible he was. And of course, you also apparently had the same thoughts, you thought YOU were terrible too. Maybe that’s what drew you to him, and maybe that’s what drew him to you.

You both hated yourselves, and yet you loved each other. What a beautifully ironic fucked up romantic couple the two of you were.

“Dammit… sorry… I made it about myself… I’m sorry Toshi…” You immediately apologized for being insensitive but Shinsou quickly shook his head, “No don’t be…” Honestly, he was kinda glad you made it about you because he didn’t want it to be about him, sometimes even he got tired about thinking of himself.

“But I wanted to say that… I know you’re not okay… but it’s okay that you’re not okay… it’s okay to feel like this sometimes… but I don’t want you to think it’s okay to feel like nothing matters, like you don’t matter because… you do…” You sat up a bit, (E/C) eyes finally meeting his lavender ones, which had been looking duller lately.

“It’s so hard to believe that sometimes…” He admitted with a soft, resigned tone as you nodded, “It really is… I know it is… when everyone else makes ya feel that way too… but you’re here Hitoshi. You’re a hero… more than anyone else is… you’re my hero.” You gave him a little smile, resting your head into his shoulder as you didn’t even see his lips quiver a little bit.

“So mushy gushy…” He forced himself to chuckle as he wiped his eyes when his eyes threatened to make tears as you laughed softly and kissed him softly on the lips, “You love it~.” Using a light-hearted tone you smiled up at him and made him chuckle and laugh, “I don’t love your breath right now…”

“Yes you do~.” He was so teasing you but you just kept playing around just to make him feel a little less bad, and it was working, Shinsou put his arms around you and remembered that while he still felt trapped where he was, that maybe it would get better because you were here with him. And maybe he really would be the hero you said he was.

“I just wanna sleep…” Now he really did want to go sleep now, hopefully have a better dream after he talked a little bit with you and relaxed his troubled heart for tonight. “So do I… Brendon Urie lullaby?” You suggested with a little tilt of your head and he couldn’t say no to that. He loved Brendon, and that man knew how to do everything, make someone dance, make someone sing, and make someone sleep with his sensual, incredible voice.

“Perfect…” He didn’t hesitate to get his phone and put a song on for the two of you to listen to and fall asleep to. A tearjerker, but Shinsou thought it was one of his best songs because of the painful realities and the way Brendon sounded so melancholic complete with the sad, dulcet sound of the piano.

“The moment you arrived they built you up The sun was in your eyes You couldn't believe it Riches all around, you're walking Stars are on the ground You start to believe it…”

Shinsou quietly sang the song, and you quickly joined him because neither of you couldn’t not sing a song by Brendon. Especially not this one even if it was sad, it was catchy too. A song the two of you could relate to, especially in a school like UA and the two of you just wanted to be heroes. It was something that allowed the two of you to really connect and bond the way you did.

“Every face along the boulevard is a dreamer just like you You looked at death in a tarot card and you saw what you had to do…

It was something that allowed the two of you to fall in love because you understood each other.

“But nobody knows you now When you're dying in LA And nobody owes you now When you're dying in LA… When you're dying in LA… When you're dying in LA…”

You could listen to Shinsou singing forever, he had a lovely voice and it was enough to lull you to sleep as your voice grew groggy as you sang with him. Thinking about UA, and how it was both the best and the worst. The worst because not everyone here was amazing, they were some good and some shitty people here, but it was the best also because you and Shinsou went to school here together to work together and fall in love the way you had.

Shinsou certainly thought so, this place really was the best and the worst. You were the best though, to him you were the best and you thought he was the best too. You made him feel like he really was going to be a hero, and he made you feel that you were worth something, that you mattered and that you could be a hero too.

“The power, the power, the power Oh the power, the power, the power Of LA…”

As the song came to an end, Shinsou looked at your peaceful face as you had fallen asleep. You were the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and finally fell into more of a serene slumber without any of his intrusive thoughts coming back to haunt him after you saved him from them for the night.

And when the morning eventually came, you and Shinsou kept your eyes closed and kept holding each other to bask in the tranquility, listening to the birds chirping outside.

[xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx]

Every Morning - Brendon Urie x Reader

Request: Hi! could you do Brendon with a Genderfluid reader who uses all pronouns? they flirt all the time and he calls them nicknames, sometimes femenine, sometimes masculine, sometimes gender neutral? idk if it's confusing but just, Brendon and the reader flirting back and forth until they eventually get together and it's just fluff and fun (sorry if it's confusing i just got all self insert here lmao)

Reader: genderfluid

Word count: 1 219

You had known Brendon for a good while now. Every day he strode into the small café you were working at, just after the morning rush of caffeine addicted people needing their first fix of the day was over, and strode up a conversation with you. The first time he had done so, you thought he was just someone needing a little company, someone to open up to. There were often people like that, heartbroken teenagers, lonely elderly men, cat ladies who contemplated buying their twentieth cat, people who had just been fired, dumped, gotten promoted… lots of people told you their stories, some macabre, some funny, some sad. You listened while preparing their coffee and if they kept talking after that, and there was no other customer, you listened while cleaning a little and told them your opinion if asked. But rarely any of those people ever came back to chat with you a second time.

Brendon was different. He had ordered a cup of coffee and taken a seat at the counter, watching you clean the coffee machine so it was ready for the next customer. He told you he was a musician and about how he was clueless about this new album of his, not sure what he wanted to do with it. Should it be a concept album? Should it be random songs that he had written out of a specific mood to give more insight into his emotions? Should it sound happy, carefree or rather dark? You had listened and when you had moved to cleaning the counter, whipping it clean of stains of coffee and crumbs of muffins or cookies, he asked what you thought. You had looked up at him, taken off guard by the dark brown eyes that waited expectantly for your answer. You had told him about your current preference in music, what you liked when put on an album. He had nodded thoughtfully, emptied his cup and pushed a ten-dollar note into your tip-jar, then he had said a polite good bye, and left.

Much to your surprise he returned the next day. He entered the shop just as the last hurried businessman stormed out of the door, paper cup in hand and tie flying in the wind. Brendon had told you a little about his dogs, but soon started asking if you had pets. You exchanged strangely intimate childhood memories about favorite animals, and when you had finished the conversation, he tipped you another ten dollars and left with a smile on his lips.

The pattern repeated, day after day he appeared just when the last customer of the morning rush left the shop, every day having a new topic to talk about. And then he started pointing out what must have been confusing him all the time.

“If you don’t mind me asking, is there a reason between you changing… styles,” he asked, his voice velvet as always, but more careful, as if scared he could offend you.

You nervously tucked on the short red skirt that you wore. Never had anyone asked why one day you came in wearing obviously female clothes, then the other day wearing something only men would wear and then the day after something that was absolutely neutral. To some people the concept of being genderfluid seemed strange. For you it was just normal life. You put on and behaved what you felt like. Most people did not pay close enough attention to the barista to notice that the cute girl the one day and the young man the other day were the same persons as the cocky barista in the day in between. But Brendon had noticed.

“I’m genderfluid,” you answered, your voice clear and confident, but your gaze fixed on the floor.

“Okay,” Brendon nodded and continued sipping his coffee.

That was not how most people reacted to this revelation. Most people started asking questions, some made stupid and unhelpful comments about deciding for one gender. Hardly anyone had ever said ‘okay’ and continued their day as if nothing had happened.

You shrugged, wondering if this conversation had really just played out like this, and turned away from Brendon to refill the cookies on the display.

A few days went by, nothing changed. Brendon came to the shop every morning, continuing his conversations with you as if nothing had ever happened, then his behavior changed. It was slow and in the beginning almost unnoticeable but you started to pick up on the nicknames he called you and the little compliments he paid you every now and then. Sometimes he complimented the color of your shirt or that you looked incredibly sexy in the new dress. Sometimes his compliments were more subtle or he stole the cap you wore and put it on, refusing to return it to you until he left almost two hours later. You started slipping compliments in too. He had shown you some of his music and honestly? You loved it. Soon the innocent conversations turned into a real flirt battle. You noticed how his approach towards you changed depending on the way you were dressed and behaved. Sometimes he was obvious, made clear statements how attractive he thought you were, sometimes it was almost unnoticeable, sometimes it was cheeky and sassy. You loved how he did not mind that one day you used they/them and the next day he/him or she/her. He just continued flirting unashamedly and you felt yourself being drawn in by his charm more and more every day.

Sometimes he rested his hand on the counter as if he expected you to take it, but you were not confident enough to do that, so it surprised you a little when you were done with cleaning one day and stood opposite him at the counter, leaning a little closer than normal friends, if that was what you were, would, and Brendon placed his hand over yours. His skin was warm and dry, a little chapped maybe, but if felt nice. You did not draw back and instead carefully intertwined your finger with his, until he gently started playing with yours. It was nice and you realized that over the months he had visited the shop you had gotten a lot closer to you than most of your friends. Well, most of your friends were not flirting with you and never made a mistake with your pronouns while at it. And hell, he was not only attentive and kind, he was also seemed like a pretty decent human being while at it, with a tight set of morals and a good idea about what he expected other people to behave like.

Sometimes you wondered how long Brendon would have tried to get you make a move at him if you would not one day have leant in a little closer to him while he was playing with your hands absentmindedly, and pressed your lips against his gently. You had felt his surprise, but he had kissed back quickly, grinning against your lips. You did not know how long you had been standing there, kissing each other slowly, exploring each other’s boundaries over the counter, but what you now knew was that it had been the kiss that had started the best relationship of your life.

[canyousevmyheavydirtysoul]

Northern Downpour. (Ryan Ross x Reader)

Note: :)

Listen to- oh, who am I kidding? You all know what to do. ;)

 ‘Hey moon,

Found this little bistro a few blocks down from my apartment block. It’s really cute and homey – kinda like what you would be like, if you were a bistro.

That sounded weird, didn’t it?

I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this, as I’m sure you can tell. I hope my ineptness doesn’t scare you away – especially not before I’m able to take you out on a date. A real date. Not these Skype ones we’ve been having.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing your face in a freeze-frame during our crappily-connected video calls, but I’m certain that nothing will compare to seeing your beauty in person.

Did I mention that the bistro is Italian? I checked, and they have all of your favorites: lasagne, double-pepperoni pizza, triple-chocolate gelato… You’ll love it.

I know that I’ve said this perhaps a thousand times before, but lately, I’ve found myself thinking of this more and more – in fact, it's been all that has captured my thoughts for a long while now – I want to see you. In person, not through an insufferably small screen.

I want nothing more than to see you standing right in front of me. I know that it’s not the biggest of possibilities at the moment, but I have to keep reminding you of it.

Don’t think that all of these inconsequential barriers keeping us from being together will stop me from seeing you, because I assure you, moon, there is no force in the universe strong enough to keep us apart forever.

I will come for you.

If all our life is but a dream

Fantastic posing greed

Then we should feed our jewellery to the sea

For diamonds do appear to be

Just like broken glass to me

My heart, my soul, my life is yours,

Northern Downpour’

Ryan picked up the dried-out, pressed peony that was lying in wait on the desk next to the paper, and carefully slid it into the folds of the letter before placing the page into a faded yellow envelope.

He placed the piece of stationery safely inside the front pocket of his messenger bag before heading out the door; it reached you the next day, on the first of the month – just like all of his letters would.

~

The hasty manner in which you ripped open the envelope caused a laceration on the tip of your finger, but you paid no notice to the sharp sting as you swiftly removed the letter from the confines of the envelope.

Your heart fluttered as you unfolded the paper and saw the peony flurry out, your hand instinctively reaching out to catch it just like it had tens of times before.

Your eyes devoured his written words at lightning speed and before you knew it, you were sitting on the floor next to your wooden, paint-chipped coffee table, authoring your response.

 ‘Dearest Northern Downpour,

You should know by now that there’s no need to apologise for your adorably awkward mannerisms; I adore all of them. And I can only imagine that I would enjoy them even more if I were able to experience them in person.

The thought of seeing you has consumed my mind too. I want it more than anything in the world. Sadly, you know that it’s not possible, as heart-breaking as that is. A freelance writing job doesn’t exactly pay for the bills and an airplane ticket.

I’ve made lovely progress with my novel, though. So much so, that I’ve piqued the interest of an actual publisher, and I’m meeting with them next week. I’m counting on this to be my big break; I could use whatever they pay me to come and see you, and we can go on that date you were talking about.

You along with Italian food sounds like my perfect night.

How is your music coming along? Have you gotten any gigs yet? I miss hearing you sing to me; it was always the part of our video calls that I looked forward to the most. Try and get that laptop of yours fixed, won’t you? I miss seeing your beautiful face.

And those lyrics! Oh, they’re wonderful! I know that you’ve only sent me a few lines, but I have a strong sense that this is going to be my favourite song you’ve written so far.  

I have no doubt in my mind that we will be together. Whether it be tomorrow, next month, next year, ten years from now… I know that we will eventually find one another.

And that thought is all that’s keeping me going.

Yours. Forever and always,

Moon’

~

‘Hey moon,

The sound of your beautiful voice – breathless and bursting with elation as you relayed the wonderful news to me – made me so dizzy with happiness that I had to sit down for a moment. I’d forgotten how much of a high hearing you speak gave me; nothing in the world could ever compare.

I’m tremendously proud of you, darling. You deserve this more than anyone. I know how many sleepless nights this book has given you, so to hear that it’s all going to be worth it is absolutely wonderful.

Things are looking up on my side too. Brendon said that he knows a guy (I think his name is Pete) that might be able to get us a gig, so that’s good. Granted, it won’t be at the most exalted of places, but it’s a start. We’re actually crafting the setlist at present; I took a bit of a time-out to write this letter.

And because it was a tad overwhelming.

I’m aware that us getting a gig is a huge deal – especially if there’s a chance we could get noticed – but I can’t help but feel anxious about it. What if I mess up? Forget the lyrics or play the wrong chords? I know that this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life, but now that it’s actually going to happen, I feel…

To be completely honest, I don’t know how I feel. Nervous, concerned, sick, useless, all of the above…

But whatever it is, I need it to stop. I don’t want to screw up and let the guys down.

I don’t want to let you down.

And then she said she can’t believe

Genius only comes along

In storms of fabled foreign tongues

Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs

Northern Downpour sends its love

 Hey moon, please forget to fall down

Hey moon, don’t you go down

 Sugarcane in the easy morning

Weather-vanes my one and lonely

My heart, my soul, my life is yours,

Northern Downpour’

~

Whatever interest you had developed in your friends’ conversation vanished instantaneously when you spotted the mailman walking the front path of your faded-brick duplex.

Your nearly empty coffee mug clanged as it was dropped onto the counter-top, catching both of the other girls’ attention. (Y/B/F) was about to question your sudden lack of grip on the piece of crockery, but once she saw you sprinting out the front door and to the mailbox, a knowing smile played on her lips.

Your other friend was not as enlightened, and she furrowed her brows. “What was that about?”

“Today’s the first,” (Y/B/F) smirked, taking a sip from her mug and pulling a smug face as you re-entered the room, “which means that she got a letter from loverboy. What’s he say?” she jerked her head at you.

Ignoring her comment, you practically ripped the pale envelope open, eager to get to the piece of Ryan’s thoughts that was inside. Per ritual, you stuck your hand out and caught the peony, clutching it to your chest as you began to read the letter.

Barely two minutes later, you were penning your response.

 ‘Dearest Northern Downpour,

Don’t you ever, ever, in a million years think that you could disappoint me – it’s just not possible. My love, I am so terrifically proud of you and everything that you do – everything that you create – because it’s all unconditionally magical. You have a gift, and an extraordinary one at that, to craft masterpieces that are able to evoke emotions in people that they didn’t even know they had. You’re a true genius, and I don’t want you to ever doubt yourself the way that you are right now.

As for the guys… I know that they feel the same way. They respect what you do. They adore what you do. And I know that they are exceptionally grateful to have you.

As am I.

You’ve made my world so much brighter and wonderful just by allowing me to know you, and the fact that I’m privileged enough to be able to call you mine makes me wake up with a huge smile on my face every morning.  

To hear you degrade yourself like that breaks my heart. Honestly. I wish that you were with me right now so that I could smack some sense into you.

You’re utterly remarkable, Ryan. Don’t ever think otherwise.

So you’re going to go to that gig, you’re going to get up on that stage, and you’re going to make everyone fall in love with you through your music.

I believe in you, my love. Stay strong.

Yours. Forever and always,

Moon’

 You’d been so immersed in your writing that you had momentarily forgotten about the presence of your two friends, reminded of it only when one of them spoke up.

“How long have you been together for, again?”

“Almost a year,” you sighed with a small smile, gently folding the paper up.

“And you haven’t seen each other in person yet?”

“Nope.”

She grimaced. “Have you said ‘I love you’?”

“No,” you said softly, retrieving a travel bottle of your perfume from the desk drawer, “No, we haven’t.”

~

Everything around him melted into a noisy haze as he stood backstage, guitar slung around his neck as his eyes scanned the page he held in his hand, re-reading the words for what must have been the thousandth time.

Once his pupils had swiped over your signature, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath – both to calm himself down and to inhale the faint scent of your perfume. The fragrance would’ve usually been more potent, but his constant handling of the fragile paper watered it down.

“Two minutes, Ry,” Brendon announced, nudging his friend in the shoulder.

After one last glance over the words on the paper, Ryan folded it up and placed it in the breast pocket of his jacket – right over his heart.

~

‘Hey moon,

I played that gig today. God, I was so nervous; I almost didn’t go through with it. The only thing that got me up on that stage was your words from the last letter. If it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve chickened out.

That being said – I need you to be at the next show. The image of your words on paper was enough to keep me going for tonight, but I’m not sure if that will be the case next time. I need you to be here with me. I need to be able to hold you before I go on stage, I need to hear you whisper that it’s all going to be okay, I need to feel your lips on mine as a silent reassurance…

I just need you.

Kinda weird, isn’t it? The fact that I need someone so badly, but I haven’t even met them yet. I have no idea how that works; all I know is that if I don’t see you soon, I’m going to go insane.

The ink is running towards the page

It’s chasing off the days

Look back at both feet

And that winding knee

I missed your skin when you were east

You clicked your heels and wished for me

 Through playful lips made of yarn

That fragile Capricorn

Unravelled words like moths upon old scarves

I know the worlds a broken bone

But melt your headaches, call it home

My heart, my soul, my life is yours,

Northern Downpour’

~

‘Dearest Northern Downpour,

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am. You did it. I knew you could do it.

Just goes to show that I’m always right.

You know how much I love listening to you sing, and you know that if I could be there for you at every show, every gig that you play, no matter how big or small, I would. But I can’t right now. Believe me, it’s tearing me apart to not be able to be with you in the way that we both so desperately want. Ache for.

They say that money can’t buy happiness, but you are the thing that makes me most happy, and yet money is the only thing keeping me from you.

Cruel, isn’t it? That a couple hundred dollars is all that’s separating us.

I cried today. It wasn’t intentional; I didn’t mean to. I just thought of what it would be like to actually, physically be with you and I got a little bit too emotional.

There’s not much going on with me, otherwise. My book is still being edited – they said it could take up to another five months to finish. But I’m working on another story in the meantime, about long-distance relationships. Bet you’ll never guess where I got the inspiration for that.

Until next time, my love.

Yours. Forever and always,

Moon’

~

Ryan had just about finished reading your letter when the rest of the band barged into his room, panting and out of breath from running but wearing the biggest smiles on their faces. Ryan leaned backwards out of fear.

“What-“

“DUDE, WE WON!”

“Uh, what?” Ryan shook his head, utterly perplexed. “We won? Won what? I don’t remember entering anything.”

“That show we played the other night,” Brendon explained, rushing over to take a seat on the bed as the other two followed him, “Turns out it was actually a competition! They had undercover judges scoring all the bands that played that week in secret, and we came out on top!” Brendon let out a short, triumphant laugh as he threw his hands up in the air.

“Oh wow,” Ryan widened his eyes, looking at each of his bandmates in turn, “that’s awesome. Well done, boys.”

“But wait,” Spencer held up a finger, “there’s more. Tell him, Bren.”

“We made two thousand dollars, baby!” He exclaimed, practically jumping with joy. “That’s five hundred for each of us. Annnnnd, we get to go to the studio with Fall Out Boy and make our own demo!”

Ryan’s jaw dropped to the floor. “You’re kidding,” he chuckled before frowning and turning to the other two, jutting a thumb at Brendon, “He’s kidding, right?”

When no one supported his claim – just stared at him, smiling like idiots – Ryan let out an incredulous laugh before rushing to stand up.

“Did they give the prize money in cash?”

Spencer nodded.

“Good. Cause I’m gonna need my share.”

~

You stood still as a statue as you stared out the window, boring a hole into the mailbox with the intensity your gaze held. Your eyes flicked over to the clock hanging next to you on the wall, and you continued biting the sides of your fingers raw as you acknowledged the time.

The mailman was two hours late, and today was the first, which meant that every second that ticked by was torturous to you. You knew that sometimes things happen, and there could’ve been numerous reasons as to why the mailman was late, but that fact did nothing to ease your anxiety.

You were worried that something was wrong. That Ryan’s letter either didn’t make it to you this time, or that – God forbid – he hadn’t written one at all. It was a totally irrational thought, but it was present nonetheless.

After another thirty minutes or so of waiting, your nerves couldn’t take it anymore and you started out the door and to the mailbox, silently hoping and praying that the mailman had happened to do his deliveries early today.

Your hopes were soon shattered, however, when you opened the hatch and were met by sweet nothingness. The pain resounding in your chest could only be compared to taking a bullet to the heart; it hurt like a bitch.

Slowly and regretfully, you closed the hatch, trying your hardest to contain the emotions coursing through you. Said emotions were so powerful, in fact, that you hadn’t noticed the presence of someone behind you until they spoke.

“Hey moon.”

Your entire body stiffened as a gasp escaped your lips and goosebumps formed all along your skin. You knew that voice. You’d know that voice anywhere. Even when sounding from the deepest, darkest void of the universe, you would recognise that voice.

And you would run to it.

You almost gave yourself whiplash with how fast you turned around, but the sight before you was well worth it. There, standing right in front you, looking as adorably awkward as ever as he held a bouquet of peonies and a faded yellow envelope, was Ryan Ross.

Neither of you could repress the enormous grins on your faces, nor could you stop the tears from spilling over. You wanted to move, or say something, but you couldn’t. Fortunately, Ryan did it for you.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I felt the need to hand-deliver this one,” he explained, holding out the envelope to you; you gripped it with shaky hands, “I think it’s the best one I’ve written so far.”

Tearing the envelope open, you retrieved the piece of paper and unfolded it to reveal three little words.

‘I love you’

_______________________________

Thank you for reading x

Taglist:

@darknessdancing

@raversam

@username-number-01834

@moosesmoose

@underscoredarcy

[cactiem]

crush | z.d

Pairing: Zach Dempsey x Reader

Requested: Nope

Summary: You both have a crush on each other without the other knowing.

Song: Yuna, Usher - Crush

GIF Not Mine

It was a Saturday afternoon and you were bored from studying when you phone chimed signalling a text. It was from your friend slash crush Zach.

Zach: Hey

You: Hey, what’s up?

Zach: Nothing much, you?

You: Studying. It’s kicking my ass. I’m so bored :(

Zach: Do you maybe wanna hang out? I promise it’ll be more interesting than studying ;)

You: I’m down! :)

Zach: I’ll be there in 10

You call me on a lazy afternoon Asking me what I’m up to, let’s find something to do Baby I’d be down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down. You know I’d be down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down.

You were ready in five and was waiting for him to arrive. Sat in your window you saw him pull up to your house. Your breath hitched in your throat when he looked up to your window and smiled at you. He looked back down to his phone and texted you.

Zach: You ready? :)

You: I’ll be down in a minute :)

I see you arriving in your car. Jet black mercedes, built in the 70’s Classic like you and me I’ll be coming down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down. I’ll be coming down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down.

Putting your phone away in your bag you stood up and took one last look in the mirror and took a deep breath to calm your nerves before turning to leave your room. Once you got outside Zach reached over to open the door for you, you smiled graciously at him and climbed into his car. “So, where are we going?”

“That’s a surprise.” Zach grinned. He started the car and drove off. The wind flowed through your hair and some Drake song was on the radio. The whole time your heart fluttered, every time you were with him it would. You had fallen for him, fallen hard.

You had reached your destination, an ice cream shop. Zach got out of the car and jogged to your side of the car and opened the door for. He put his hand out for you to hold helping you get out of the car, not that you needed it. “After you.” He motioned.

“Thank you.” You thanked taking his hand. “An ice cream shop?” You asking arching one of your eyebrows in surprise.

“It’s only half of the surprise.” Zach replied giving his notorious smile, the same smile that makes your heart skip a beat, and placing a hand on the middle of your back leading you to the counter. You tensed up a little at his action but relaxed immediately after, you hoped he didn’t notice. “What flavour would you like?”

“Umm… vanilla, please.” You decided, taking a quick look over at the menu.

“Vanilla? All right and I’ll have…” Zach trailed off deciding on his flavour, staring intently at the menu which you thought was cute. “Ah, I’ll have the raspberry ripple.” He ordered, the barrister started on the order and you went to get your money out but was stopped by Zach. “I got this. I am taking you out after all.” You reluctantly agreed putting your purse away. Your ice creams were ready and you thanked them before heading back to his car. “Don’t eat it just yet.” Zach laughed.

“It’s going to melt if I don’t eat it!” You pointed out which caused Zach to laugh more in which you joined in.

“It’s not far from here where we’re going.” You looked at him in confusion, there was not much to do around here. “And don’t eat my ice cream.” He added in a serious tone but soon a smile spread across his face.

Zach took you to a ledge that overlooked the town. It was quiet up there, not many people come up here so you wondered where he found it. “So this is where the great Zachary Dempsey takes all of the girls.” You said sarcastically.

“Haha, Y/N.” He replied with the same sarcasm as you used and took his ice cream off of you. “I come up here to clear my head. It’s peaceful.”

“It is.” You said looking out to the town.

“I have to ask, why vanilla?” Zach wondered.

“Why not?”

“Umm because it’s boring. There was so many more interesting flavours to choose from and you chose vanilla.” Zach replied shaking is head whilst eating his ice cream.

“Are you calling me boring Zachary?” You asked with fake offence.

“No, I’m calling your food choices boring.” Zach pointed out.

I feel a little rush I think I’ve got a little crush on you I hope it’s not too much But boy when I’m with you I hear it My heart is singing La la la la la la… La la la la la la…

After sitting in silence for a bit eating your ice cream he finally asked you what’s been on his mind. “So, you and Brad… no it’s Brendon, right?”

“Brett, and there’s no me and him.” You replied playing with the remnants of your ice cream.

“Oh, I’m sorry Y/N.” Zach hated seeing you down like this. He wanted more than anything to make you feel better. He swore to himself that if he was with you he wouldn’t break your heart and he would treat you better.

“Don’t be. He’s a huge ass.” You shook your head wanting to forget about him. You didn’t want to think about him when you were having a fun time with Zach.

“You’re right about that, he doesn’t deserve you Y/N.” He assured you.

Honestly you shouldn’t waste time no more Cause all these little boys you’re chasing did They break your heart? I know you’ve been down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down. I won’t let you down, down, down, down, down, Down down down down.

All Zach wanted to do was tell you that no one deserves you, not even him but he knew that if he had a chance with you he would treat you better than any guy before him did. He has a crush on you, has done for a while. Every time he saw you his world stopped spinning, to him you were the only person in the room. Even when you have your ‘lazy’ days, as you call them, he still thinks you’re the most beautiful girl he’s seen. Your laugh was like music to his ears, he loved it along with your warm smile so he made it his mission to make you smile and laugh around him.

I feel a little rush I think I’ve got a little crush on you I hope it’s not too much But girl when I’m with you I hear it My heart is singing La la la la la la… La la la la la la…

Zach didn’t know that you felt the same and you didn’t know whether he felt the same. Both of you were afraid that the other didn’t so no one acted upon the feelings you had for each other. All you know was that what you had with Zach was different. If he called you would drop everything and he would do the same if you called him.

I wonder if you feel the same I see it in the way that you behave around me And I can tell What we have is different from anyone else Cause you stop doing what you doing When I call you come up to me running And I would do same for you So tell me that you feel it too

You were both perched on his car talking about anything and everything. Smiles plastered on both of your faces oblivious to fact that both of you had a crush on each other.

Think I’ve got a crush, baby Feel a little rush baby Think I’ve got a crush, baby Feel a little rush baby

A/N: so this is the first time doing something like this and yeah im not really sure how well it turned out. I honestly just thought of this idea when listening to the song

[thepatricktreestump]

Saudade: Ch15

When you arrived at the awards, overwhelmed was not even close to accurate in describing the emotion you were feeling. You were drowning, suffocating, screaming, dying, shrinking, all at once. You were practically holding onto Josh’s hand for dear life, squeezing it so hard you were afraid his bones would break. There were celebrities, people on the faces of magazines, paparazzi everywhere, flashing lights and elegant dresses and tuxedos, people wearing obnoxious outfits, others barely even wearing anything, it was crazy. Of course, there were plenty of fans there too, practically mobbing Josh and begging him for a selfie or signature. You weren’t usually one to get easily claustrophobic, but this, this was worse than Black Friday shopping for you. Much less, there were eyes everywhere, watching you, and it made you feel guilty all over. Guilty because there’s probably a million other girls who would kill to be in your shoes right now, and you were taking it for granted. You fucking hated yourself sometimes.

“Come on,” Josh tugged on your arm. “I want you to meet some of my friends.”

“You have friends?” you raised your eyebrow, teasing, and he laughed.

“Yes I do,” he rolled his eyes. “Now come on, silly. I need to prove to them you’re as amazing and gorgeous as I talk you up to be.”

“Uh huh,” you blushed. “Whatever.”

All your worries faded away as soon as Josh squeezed your hand and pulled you out of the crowd, shooting a text at a couple of his so called friends and waiting for them to come meet him underneath the awning outside the event center. The first person you met was this absolutely beautiful girl named Halsey. You had listened to her music before, and you told her how much you loved it, and she just laughed, complimenting you on your dress and teasing Josh a bit before giving him a hug. She was really friendly and carefree, making you feel much more comfortable and happy. The second person was a guy wearing shades named Mark Hoppus. You knew Blink-182 fairly well, especially since Josh had listened to their newest album practically on repeat for the past few months when it first came out, and gave Mark occasional social media shout outs. He was really cool and sweet too, telling you that you looked lovely before poking jokes at Josh. He began to leave, your eyes scanned the crowd, stomach doing flips when you first saw him. He was the last person you would ever expect to see here, which was ridiculous really, because after all, it was a music awards show. However, you hadn’t planned on it, with Josh by your side much less.

There he was. Brendon fucking Urie. He looked absolutely amazing, gelled back hair, sharp tuxedo suit, those dark eyes, big lips, carefree laugh, everything you loved and missed about him, just several feet away. He was talking to one of the interviewers, bright and bubbly expressions alternating on his face, hand ruffling through his hair, chest shaking with laughter, that goddamn smile, all of it. You missed him, so fucking much. You remembered being able to be with him every waking hour of the day and now you were gone, absolutely away from him, and it killed you on the inside. You watched as the interviewer rolled her eyes and then leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek before racing away, the cameraman by her side. Brendon straightened out his suit, smug smile on his face, and panned the crowd, making you instantly avert your eyes and try not to bring attention to yourself. Well, that was until Josh tapped your side.

“Y/n, I want to introduce you to again, one of my best friends,” Josh began, beginning to walk towards him, and you blinked twice. Best friend? You felt sick to your stomach as the smile crept on Josh’s face and he took five steps closer to Brendon, urging you to come along. You stiffly followed behind him, hoping to god he was talking about someone, anyone, other than Brendon. But sure enough, he walked right up to him, and fucking hugged him. You died a little on the inside as you watched Josh release the embrace, both him and Brendon smiling broadly, laughing and greeting each other as if they were the best of friends. Which, it hadn’t crossed your mind until now, they probably actually were. “Come on, y/n!”

You swallowed uncomfortably and forced yourself to walk up to the two of them, eyes unwillingly gravitating towards Brendon’s as you stepped right up to him, and then there it was. The unbearable tension in the air, the way Brendon’s eyes lingered down your body, studying your face, analyzing your dress, making note of the way the fabric clung to your curves, how the silk cascaded down your legs. “You look lovely,” Brendon gave a polite smile, and you froze, uncomfortable.

“Uh, t-thanks…” you stuttered out, trying to ignore the instant blush that rose to your cheeks.

“Y/n, this is Brendon Urie,” Josh introduced happily, and Brendon held out a hand, your shaky arm reaching up to grab it, your body instantly being ignited as his skin brushed up against yours, even if it was just a simple handshake. “Brendon, my girlfriend y/n.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you y/n,” he grinned. “I know you’re in good hands with Josh. Bet he treats you like a queen, huh?”

“Yeah,” you nodded slowly, eyeing Brendon carefully. He sure was really fucking good at this whole ‘we’ve never met before’ thing. It made you start to wonder if maybe he had already forgotten about you. What if he really did forget about everything? If not, he was faking it exceptionally well. It actually sort of broke your heart. How could he just pretend like all those months never even happened? Much less forget? You felt sick to your stomach, but Josh instantly held your hand, fingers lacing with yours, and began to strike up a conversation with Brendon.

Surprisingly, Brendon kept his eyes on Josh. Well, maybe it wasn’t as surprising as you should’ve found it. You bit down hard on your tongue for even thinking he would be as desperate as you were. He probably already found another fuck buddy, someone prettier and sexier and better than you. You held on to Josh’s hand, the soft, warm, easy grip comforting you. “Oh yeah, I’ve been working nonstop at the studio, just pumping out new songs,” Brendon explained. “It’s been great, you guys should come over sometime. Bring over Tyler and Jenna too, it’d be a great time.”

“Sounds lovely,” Josh agreed.

“Well I’ll see you guys later,” he waved off. “I think someone’s calling for me.”

“Oh yes,” Josh laughed.

Several minutes passed before he finally guided you through the crowd towards your seats, and the entire time you couldn’t help but think of Brendon. You hadn’t seen him in so long and yet, there he was, just several feet across from you, shaking your hand, pretending as if you had never even met in the first place. The idea of him forgetting about you snuck into your mind again, making you feel queasy. You sat in between Josh and Jenna, with Tyler on Josh’s other side, hogging most of his attention. You didn’t mind, you were too busy glancing back at Brendon, who was conveniently placed two rows behind you, just slightly to the right, on the end of his row. Sure enough, every time you glanced back, you found those dark brown eyes staring at you, a thoughtful expression fixed on his face, his lips pressed together, gaze lingering nowhere else but on you. You turned bright red, deciding to look back forward, and that’s when Jenna decided to say something. “You finally got to meet him, huh?” she poked a playful jab at your shoulder.

“Huh?” you raised an eyebrow, confused.

“Brendon,” she reminded. “You know, you were staring at his picture in that hallway a couple interviews ago.”

“Oh, yeah I guess,” you shrugged. “He seems like a nice guy.”

“He keeps staring at you though,” she pointed out, glancing back to notice the obvious. “Ever since you shook hands with him.”

“Is he?” you tried to play dumb but it came out rather awkward.

“Okay, spill the beans,” Jenna narrowed her eyes. “What’s up with you two?”

“Nothing’s up with us,” you forced out a laugh. “He just caught my eye.”

“Well you sure as hell caught both of his,” she replied. “Come on, he hasn’t taken his gaze off you all night long and we’re almost halfway through the show.”

“I don’t know, I mean I saw his picture in the hallway and I just met him tonight,” you explained. “He knows I’m dating Josh.”

“He might know it but he’s got to show it,” she insisted. “Better keep both hands and eyes off, cause you’ve already got a man.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you rolled your eyes, laughing nervously. “I’ve already got one ass to worry about, I don’t need another.”

“Believe me, I know how that feels,” Jenna burst out into laughter. However, you couldn’t help but sneak a glance back, watching as Brendon slyly winked at you, making your heart skip a beat and forcing you to look straight ahead again. Whatever you did, no matter how hard you tried, Brendon’s eyes always somehow found a way to flicker back to meet yours. You suddenly felt a tap on your shoulder, and you turned towards Jenna, who looked exhausted. “Hey, I’m going to go get a drink of water, I’ll be back soon. Okay?”

“Uh yeah, sure,” you nodded, watching as she moved out of her chair and walked down the aisle, and sure enough, Brendon’s eyes were still fixed on you. You tried to focus on the awards, to concentrate or distract your mind, something to make you forget about the man who was sitting behind you. But all your thoughts could seem to focus on was the way you had once been in his bed, his hands on your body, your head tilting back in bliss, all those amazing emotions and sensations he had made you feel, how much you craved him right now, and how close you were to getting him once again. You started to feel uneasy, and Josh put a hand on your shoulder, reeling you back into reality.

“You okay?” he wondered. “You look a little pale.”

“Um…” you wanted to push away your temptation but it was so hard, especially with you knowing Brendon was so close, his gaze boring into the back of your head, and an excuse just waiting to tumble from your lips. “I feel really sick, like, worse than this morning.”

“Oh no sweetheart,” Josh frowned. “Just take it easy, it’s going to be alright.”

“I feel miserable,” you whispered. “Fuck, I don’t want to miss you guys getting the award or anything though I would feel terrible if-”

“It’s fine,” Josh reassured, rubbing small circles on your back. “Just breathe. I’m sorry, I really should’ve let you stay at home, I didn’t know better. Geez baby, I’m sorry you feel so miserable. Is there anything I can do?”

“I uh, I think I need some fresh air,” you mumbled, stumbling up from your seat. “I’ll be back.”

“Oh, uh, o-okay…” he stammered. “You want me to come with you or?”

“I’ll be fine on my own,” you reassured. You maneuvered yourself out of your seat and then searched for those dark brown eyes, staring right at Brendon, watching his sly smirk grow even more smug with every step you took towards him. You didn’t think twice before tugging at the sleeve of his tux, pulling him up out of his seat, him laughing with amusement.

“Persistent, much?” he chuckled, but you just kept a tight grip on his sleeve, rushing him out as soon as possible without trying to make a scene. You hungrily looked for somewhere, anywhere to go, and your eyes lingered on an empty dressing room, biting down on your lower lip, trying to think it through, before just finally thinking fuck it and going in. You quickly pushed Brendon into the room and locked the door, then took a deep breath, turning around to face him. He was already sitting on the couch, trying to straighten out his sleeve, clearing his throat, and then glancing up at you. “Care to explain what all the fuss is about, y/n?”

“Do you remember me or not?” you asked, your voice shaking, heart racing. “Because I don’t know about you Brendon, but I’ve been so lost and confused ever since we decided to separate.”

“I could never forget you,” he responded, looking down at the floor, as if he felt guilty. “But just because you want me doesn’t mean you need me.”

“I do,” you insisted, your insides feeling as if they’ve been gutted out and sprawled on the floor. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore Brendon. Ever since you left I can’t even look Josh in the eyes without feeling sick. I can’t enjoy sex, much less orgasm, and I can’t get you out of my goddamn head. I miss you so much, I need you. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Y/n, yes you can,” Brendon insisted, getting up from the couch and wrapping his arms around  you, hugging you tight. “You are so strong and smart, you can do this. I know you can.”

“I can’t,” you argued as he released the embrace, holding your hands, you looking up at him. “I need you. Please.” You began to reach out to cup his face but he started to speak.

“This is wrong,” he shook his head, closing his eyes tight before taking both of your wrists and pushing them away. “You can’t do this to Josh. I can’t either. He’s a good guy, he’s done so much for you, he’s probably going to kick my ass and win that award tonight-”

“No,” you began to cry, closing your eyes tight, reopening to feel the tears resurface on your face. “Please don’t do this to me Brendon, I swear to god, I’ve tried and tried to get you out of my mind. I promise, I’ve tried a million times, if I could live without you then I swear wouldn’t be here bothering you, but I’m telling you I’m just so desperate for you and I can’t help myself.”

“Y/n. No. You can’t do this,” Brendon sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t do this.”

“W-what do you mean?” your voice came out shaky, scared.

“Look, it’s not right,” he stated, taking a deep breath. “We need to leave, we need to go back out there, just pretend like this never happened-”

“Like us?” you finally snapped. “Pretend like it never happened, huh? Just wash away all those nights, all those great memories, everything that happened between us? Just ignore that? Ignore the way my heart always seems to come running back to you, how we can’t seem to keep our eyes off of each other at the awards show, how when we shook hands it felt like our skin was set on fire, how much we thirst for each other but try to deny it, and now, now that we’re here and we finally have an opportunity to do what we’ve been dying to do for months on end, we’re going to throw it away? Huh?”

“It’s fucking wrong!” Brendon shouted, anger boiling up inside of him. “So stop acting like a slut and just let me leave! Okay?”

“You’re really going to play me like that?” you asked, voice breaking, tears stinging in your eyes. “After I’ve been without you all this time? After I decide to build up the courage to spill out all my feelings to you? After I come crawling back to you?”

“Yes!” he yelled. “Because you’re the one crawling back to me! I’m sorry I’m not as desperate and ungrateful and promiscuous as you are! Okay?”

The words hit you like a bucket of ice cold water. “Fuck you,” you spat, digging your fingernails into your palms so hard they bled, your body trembling, tears streaming down your face. “Fuck you for trying to deny that you’re feeling the exact same way.”

“Stop lying!” he argued. “You’re just trying to make yourself feel better!”

“So I’m the one lying and I’m the one trying to make myself feel better, huh?” you laughed bitterly. “Kind of like when your last lover left you, huh?” Brendon flinched at the comeback, hurt dulling out the rage in his eyes, biting down on his lower lip, chest moving up and down with heavy breathing.

“Don’t you fucking bring that up,” Brendon warned. “I thought I could trust you, tell you about that kind of shit, much less admit that I loved you.” He closed his eyes tight, tears of his own resurfacing when he reopened them, shaking his head and forcing out a dark laugh. His voice rested at a low tone before he spoke. “The part that hurts the most is that everything you’re saying is right.”

“Then why are you trying to fight me on this?” you whispered, taking one step closer to him.

“Because it feels wrong,” he uttered for the last time, staring at you, looking broken and desperate and a mess, just as much of a mess as you were.

“If it’s wrong then why the hell does it feel so right?” you wondered, eyes searching for something, anything, everything in his.

“I don’t really know,” he mumbled, staring at you for another moment before he placed his lips on yours, kissing you like he had never kissed you before.

[munchbunch97]

An Open Letter From a Small Bi Human

Hi hello this is a bit of a personal thing but hey hoooo, if you don’t want to read this it’s really okay. I just want to talk about religion and my relationship with it.

I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community I am also a Muslim.

From the age of twelve I have not really prayed and I began to question my beliefs in god. Around this time of my life I slowly started to realise that my feelings for women aren’t “normal”. I believe that deep down I knew I wasn’t straight but I was terrified of it. So I berried it deep. I live in Saudi so twice a year we’d receive talks in school that were very anti gay and trans. I grew up being taught that gay sex leads to your anus to lose it’s muscle strength and that lesbians raped people. I was never introduced to the term bisexual until high school. I was taught that if you wanted to be gay you had to pick a side. Either you were with god or against him. Either you loved your sinning self or you love god. There is no in between. It is black and white.

So since I’m queer I can’t be Muslim, right? The answer to my small 12 year old body, I believe, was yes. I knew I wasn’t like everybody else and I knew that that meant I couldn’t feel as spiritual as them. 

I’ve also been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I hated myself and looked for anyone who could validate me and I didn’t feel like that was going to happen in my home life. Then came music.

I always saw people crying in the mosque praying to god, shaken, and I always wondered why I never felt like that until the day my thirteen year old self heard Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I loved it so much. I felt like I’d never heard anything that made me feel like that before. I was in a hotel room in Syria crying on the bed listening to the guitar solo on repeat. And that’s when I decided I loved music.

I made it a goal that I was going to learn how to sing and I did. Pretty much all day, no matter how I felt, I sang. And the more I did the better I got. I started writing and I was so proud of myself. Then one day in Art class I joked with my friend that I was going to go on Arab Idol and she just stopped everything she was doing and told me to stop, “You want to bring shame to your entire country?” and I realised that this wasn’t an option, this is something I couldn’t do. I don’t hate my friend, I’m not mad at her, she was young and grew up and the toxic environment that I did. 

I stopped writing music then but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself from singing even though I felt like dying most of the time. Music has saved me when no one else could. I love it more than anything because when I was struggling with mood swings and a constant racing heart it was the only constant in my life.

When I got into high school my mental health got worse. I fell into a much deeper depression that reached it’s lowest in my year. I couldn’t sleep, I was self harming, my grades struggling, basically I was a cliche. And my friends started to notice and worry, they sat me down and said they were worried about me. That’s when I realised, fully, this isn’t what everyone goes through. 

That year I dug my nails into my skin, took pain killers, overate, starved myself, isolated myself... Any way I could hurt myself was fair game. Because it was a release for all my frustration. I was angry and hurting and I couldn’t fix it. I was stuck and felt like I always will be. 

Until the day in my bathroom, with a handful of pills and no more hope. I sat there for what must have been an hour just starring at my hand. A million thoughts running through my head. Will I do it? Why wouldn’t I? It would all be over. I would be done. Until it clicked in my head, I hadn't written a note. I was going to end it all and I hadn’t even written a note. I was going to leave my mother, my friends, everyone I loved without a reason. I was going to leave them blaming themselves, wondering if they could have done more. I was going to make them suffer because I forgot to write a note. I flushed the pills down the toilet. And sobbed.

They always tell you that killing yourself isn’t the answer, that you’ll pull through whatever you’re going through but they never tell you about the shame that’ll follow you for not going through with it. I felt like a failure for not being able to let it all go and just die.

One day I was looking through YouTube trying to make my friend a mix CD. I came across this band called Panic! At the Disco. They were weird and I didn’t know how I felt about them. But as the time passed I fell in love with them more and more. I began dissecting the lyrics in my room. I looked up to Brendon Urie so much. This weird, ridiculous band helped light that spark I had as a kid just a little bit again. And the song Girls/Girls/Boys helped making me feel a little bit okay with being not as straight as I wanted to be. 

A few months afterwards, I “jokingly” came out as bisexual to one of my friends. “Don’t say that, you’re not one of those people.” Needless to say I went so deep in that closet I was in freaking Narnia. Again I’m not mad at my friends for anything they have said in the past. I understand the environment they were raised in because I was raised in it too.

After high school I felt very lonely because I went to a university all on my own and the friends I had for the past six years (at that time) were scattered all over the country and even the world. I had to learn to make friends which didn’t go very well because I look very different and people treated me like an outsider. So that`s when I turned to the internet. 

Back then I was a huge fan of Dan and Phil, and I met a group of young people that helped me accept a label I thought fit me at the time, asexual. I think I was so scared of the idea of being attracted to the same sex that I denied myself all attraction. These women, man, and gender fluid human validated me in a way I had never experienced before. They loved me and thought I was funny and talented and didn’t care what I was. If I said I think a girl was cute they wouldn’t call me a “lesbo” they would actually join in. After a while we drifted apart but their kindness will stay with me forever.

After a while I saw this boy online called Vincent. He was one of the prettiest boys I had ever seen. I crushed on him hard. One day he posted on his blog that he wanted to make new friends and I sent him a stupid message saying that I would love to be his friend. We started talking and I found out he was asexual too. I really liked him and the more I talked to him the more I liked him. Then he told me about this guy he really liked... and boy oh boy had I ever felt heartbreak like that before? nope! (JK it lasted a day and I was over it I’m just dramatic). But I decided to encourage him to go for it and that’s how we got closer as friends. 

After a while I realised I didn’t feel like the label I used fit me anymore. But I was terrified he would hate me because I had somehow lied to him. When I told him his response was so... chill. “Oh okay, that’s cool.” That was it. He was so okay with it and that was exactly what I needed. For a while I went without having a label and slowly became more comfortable with the label Bisexual.

I also became very close with two other people, Nea and Jamie. Both of them mean the world to me. Thy have helped and continue to help with my depression and constant struggle with my sexuality and gender identity.

Through this time all three of my new friends encouraged me to upload my covers online. I started covering Panic! songs pretty regularly and through that I befriended Beth.

Beth is someone who I owe so much to. When we became friends she told me she made music and I just fell in love with everything she made. I really looked up to her. I found her so talented and interesting so when she believed in me and told me that I should start writing music I took it as my fucking life mission. I kept getting better and she was always there for me when it came to both music and life. She taught me everything I know about music and reminded me just how much I loved it. She gave me a sense of purpose I had forgotten I had.

Skip a year forward and Pulse happened. I had never felt so shaken to my core like I did that day, any little sense of security and faith I had in the western world for people like me was gone. With the shooting came the pretending I wasn’t hurt, I was stripped away from my right to mourn because of my society. I had to listen to someone I loved say that he “doesn’t condone the shooter’s actions but he wishes he could burn all those people alive” and I had to laugh. Like it was a joke. The fact that this person that I care about would burn me alive if he knew. It hurt so much. Every part of me hurt. But I wasn’t allowed to show that hurt.

But when my younger brother made a joke about me being gay I just broke. It was only us together so I stood in the middle of the H&M and stared him in the eye and the words just left me. “I’m bisexual” I just said it. He was shocked and didn’t know what to say. He said that he loved me even though he didn’t agree with it. And that may sound awful to someone on the outside but there was nothing more comforting.

After that I came out to my two best friends, their response was the same as my brother except for the fact that apparently it was obvious to them. Which isn’t ideal but at least they don’t hate me. Ayy?

I’m not sure what the point to all this is. I know my story isn’t particularly special. I am just a human being struggling with my religious identity and my sexual one. I don’t have the answers to all the questions I have. All I can say is one thing, it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to still be figuring it out. I still live in Saudi and I’m very closeted when it comes to my every day life. But the idea that I am somehow living a lie is so untrue. I am still me and my sexuality isn’t all of me. There are people who won’t care who you love. You will eventually find your safe space, it took me 18 years but I wouldn’t trade those people for anything. I believe in you if you’re reading this. You get to live your life the way you want to. You get to believe in what you want to. And I promise you, you will be okay. We’re all broken a little and that’s why we need each other.

I love you all and stay safe,

em

[blessbrendonurie-blog]

So my teacher had me write about a tragedy. What a better tragedy than Ryden because *sniff* my heart breaks every time I listen to Pretty Odd lol anyways here's a little thing I wrote for it enjoy Words Can be Actions Angst/automobile crash warning PG-13 for alcohol use and profanity “Well then I’ll write the lyrics and you can just-” “Brendon, no. This isn’t working out anymore. I’m sorry it had to end like this, right here.” He picked up his jacket from the couch, turning to the door. “Ryan, you can’t just just leave. Not in the middle of a tour, not like this. All the concerts we still have to play you have to play in too. You can’t just leave, there’s no one to play the guitar anymore and our music isn’t anything if-.” “Brendon I’m leaving don’t tell me what to do. We aren’t kids just fooling around anymore, these things are serious now. I want to do my own thing. You can’t control my decisions.” His calloused hands dug into his pockets of his black jeans. He wiped the sweat off his face. “Listen we’ve done this for years. There’s nothing I like more than looking over and seeing you on stage next to me. You are a very talented vocalist and are gifted with your vocal range. I just need some space to write my own music, do my own thing.” “You can’t just leave. We are the band, the faces of it. You can’t leave because it won’t be the same, it never will. Is this really what you are doing? Leaving fame and the people who you grew up with to go be alone and start from rock bottom again? Last time I checked you didn’t like it down there, none of us did.” “Brendon shut up. You don’t make my decisions for me. I am a grown man. It’s what I want to do, there’s nothing you can do to stop me. I’m leaving now, and not coming back.” He spun on his heels to the door. “Well good then,” I spat, curling my hands into fists, “because you aren’t welcome back. Never again. You probably won’t even miss me.” My cheeks became uncomfortably hot. “Is that really the goodbye I get? No ‘Oh well good luck Ryan, Hope you do well in life Ryan, I support you Ryan.’ Nothing?! Truthfully you have become an ass the past year and personally, I don’t need that negativity in my life. Goodbye Brendon Urie, won’t miss you at all. Besides, you were a bad kisser and good luck on finding anyone else. I only dated you because I felt bad for you.” “Are you serious. Was everything that we did out of pity? To think I was actually feeling a sense of home, of family, with you Ryan. I thought I would finally have someone to call my family. I didn't feel so alone anymore. To now know that you just did everything because you felt bad for me. I truly did think you loved me, too bad everything was a lie.” “Have fun with the rest of your tour. It’s going to spiral downward and burn. I hate you, burn in hell Brendon.” “I hate you too Ross,” I said vehemently. I crossed my arms and shot him a glare. My head was pounding as Ryan tore the backstage pass off his neck, threw it on the floor, and slammed the door shut behind him. I stared at the back of the door, hoping he wouldn’t come back for any last words. He had lied for a year, a whole year. All the times we spent together in the studio writing and recording alone, watching movies on the couch, and the nights we spent together. We even recorded and released a song about each other, disguising our names as the sun and the moon. None of that would happen ever again. It was all a lie. My fingers itched, remembering the touch of the liar I once loved so deeply that it burns my mouth. A growing ache in my chest remained as I showered and put clean clothes on. None of the other guys asked about Ryan. They probably already knew, and just gave me looks of pity, the last thing I wanted. Spencer put his hand on my shoulder, to which I brushed off abruptly. “I don't want your pity either.” I scoffed as I slipped my jacket over my shoulders and headed out the door, picking up the backstage pass off the floor. I felt their stares burning a hole in the back of my head. Searching for the keys in my pocket, the cold early morning air cut through me sending shivers down my spine. The events replayed in my head as the road underneath disappeared. The full moon illuminated the road ahead along with the neon signs. The world was blurry, until I wiped my face. I exited the car, the gravel underneath my feet crunching. Dark surrounded me, and was closing in. I was greeted by a still, familiar, and empty foyer. I flicked on the dim lights and put on Planet Waves. The mellow tunes hung low in the air. I poured myself a large glass whiskey and sat on the couch, the liquid burning the back of my throat. He was gone and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. He would go on and be amazing, and would grow old hating me. That’s not how we ever imagined our future. He tore our band apart, and I’m not so sure I could keep it together. I loved him so much words couldn't describe, but somehow that was a one way street. I had been hit dead on and now I was laying on the side of the road, wondering where it all went wrong. The moon illuminated the room through the wall of windows. “There's not much more to be said. It's the top of the end. I'm going, I'm going, I'm gone.” Bob Dylan harmony fills the air. I sink deeper into the chair, sipping mindlessly. My eyes are fixed outside, the stars and moon over the dark treescape of the nightly hour. Eyelids feeling heavy, I faded into a sleep. My head is pounding. The phone is vibrating and blaring some melody of beeps as I pick it up. “What do you want?” I spoke groggily. “Brendon open the door now.” Spencer spoke in a fast tone. I checked the clock, 5 AM. “Spencer why are you-” “Open it now or I’m breaking through your door.” I hung up and mumbled a few profuse words as I trudged to the door. Spencer pushed himself inside. His puffy cheeks weren’t their normal pink color, but a pale white. His hair was messy and he had bags under his eyes. He put a hand on my shoulder and I looked at it. Something was wrong, very wrong. “Spencer,” I asked, feeling a lump in the back of my throat grow, “what happened?” Spencer’s eyes glistened. “I’m sorry. So very sorry. I-I just can’t say it in person but here.” He shoved a folded piece of paper into my hands. He turned and left me in the doorway as he pulled away. The sky was turning pink as I clenched my hands.He was gone as I shut the door, turning on the dim lights. I unfolded the piece of paper. My hands uncurled as the paper fell to the floor. I stared at it, tears welling in my eyes. “No, no, no. This isn’t real it’s a dream. This is a joke, please tell me a joke. I just-” My fist met the wall, creating a hole in it. I sank to my knees and picked up the paper, my tears falling freely. Across the top of it was labeled Certificate of Death followed by Name: George Ryan Ross III. The reason of death followed, filled in as Pedestrian Fatality involving Automobile. Ryan was gone, and never coming back. “Ryan I didn’t mean any of it. I love you and now you’re dead. I’m never seeing you again, or hearing your voice. My hand ached and my stomach was rolling. I was dizzy and nauseous as I ran and vomited into the trash can. Tears poured down my face, my chest was numb. I picked up the certificate and curled into the chair, looking into the sunrise. He was gone, and the last thing I said to him was ‘I hate you.’ The answering machine was blinking, as I pressed the button, playing Ryan’s voice. It was hoarse as if he had been crying. “Brendon I’m really sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t think you would go off so hard, and I’m really sorry. I understand your frustrations. Hopefully we can talk this out tomorrow. I love you Brendon, Call me please baby.” He was gone forever, and I had been the reason his mind was clouded. I had to live with knowing that for the rest of my life. That I’m the reason Ryan Ross, guitarist legend, had become victim of my venomous words.

[meepface]

i’m in a mood and i’m bored please ignore

1: Name 

elyse

2: Age

20

3: 3 Fears

settling for less than i deserve or for something i don’t want just because happiness seems too hard or would hurt someone, the ocean, scorpions

4: 3 things I love

making people laugh, holding hands w my girlfriend and walking past another gay couple or someone in a LGBTQ+ related shirt n smilin at each other, when dogs have the lil tiny stump tails and they wag em so fast, when candles smell like christmas

5: 4 turns on

freckles, ambition/drive/passion for something, humility, uhhh also eye contact during sex can also be super hot

6: 4 turns off

apathy, moodiness, arrogance, people who are extremely loud all the time

7: My best friend

i have two and they’re great!! one leaves for japan in two days though and she’ll be gone for a month so that highkey sucks for me but she’s gonna have a blast. n my other best friend is so good to me she always takes care of me n listens to me and the other day she bought me alcohol so that was nice

8: Sexual orientation

bisexual but maybe just gay? idk i would date a boy but prolly wouldn’t fuck a boy ya know but i’d do both with a girl so who knows

9: My best date

this question originally said “my best first date” but most of em have been goin to movies and so i changed it bc my best date just in general was probably when my gf and i went and ate at our favorite place to eat n then we banged in her car in a department store parking lot and then afterwards she was like “wait nobody’s at my house i’m sneakin u over” bc her mom can be a lil weird about me going to her house so i never really do and i had never seen her room so she snuck me over to her house n we cuddled on her bed n she showed me this shoebox she has in her room with every tiny lil gift i’d ever given her in it and it made me cry a little. another nice date was when it was flooding at our university and so they canceled classes and we went to walgreens and bought shirts bc ours were soaked from the rain and i bought socks bc my socks got Wet bc i stepped in a puddle and we just stayed in my car and ate candy in our comfy clothes waitin for the rain to let up and yeah TMI ahead but basically she ended up eating me out for the first time so that was nice lol

10: How tall am I

5′7

11: What do I miss

i dunno i already miss my best friend Kate even tho she doesn’t leave for Japan until Wednesday morning. also i kinda miss how things were before this year bc my life was less chaotic and stressful and sad last year and now i’m in a rut a lil bit

12: What time was I born

uhh 11:30 somethin AM

13: Favorite color

i like cerulean which is sorta like a teal blue and then yellow and then brown and then dark green

14: Do I have a crush

ya i have a gf

15: Favorite quote

“if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”

16: Favorite place

i like to be in my bedroom a lot but there’s also this roof i go to with friends a lot that’s really nice at night and i have so many memories there. it’s a really happy place for me

17: Favorite food

i like japanese food but not the seafood kind

18: Do I use sarcasm

no never

19: What am I listening to right now

praying // kesha

20: First thing I notice in new person

i guess just their general vibe

22: Eye color

very green but they were blue for a good half of my life which is kinda weird bc they’re so green now lmao

23: Hair color

red lmao

24: Favorite style of clothing

idk i go through a million styles in a week but my fave is just a cute oversized shirt n leggings bc it’s comfy and effortless

25: Ever done a prank call?

oh yeah i used to do a ton, i even used to have a character that i’d prank call people with actually. her name was Sonya and she sold breast enhancement cream

27: Meaning behind my URL

that’s actually a secret lmao

28: Favorite movie

the secret life of walter mitty

29: Favorite song

uhh idk but lately i’ve loved do re mi by blackbear 

30: Favorite band

twenty one pilots (can i make it any more obvious that i hate myself), two door cinema club, of monsters and men, the 1975, the wonder years

31: How I feel right now

generally okay?? today was a nice day but i’ve felt sorta sick all day and i haven’t been sleeping enough so that’s making me a big ol emotional baby so i feel like i could have a breakdown at any given minute but for the most part i am good tonight

32: Someone I love

my girlfriend

33: My current relationship status

taken

34: My relationship with my parents

oh i love em to death but sometimes they’re difficult n the two of em weren’t meant to be together honestly so i think they’d be better off n a lot less stressful to be around if they divorced but it’s okay maybe they will work it out

35: Favorite holiday

christmas eve. it’s so much better than christmas day!!!! 

36:Tattoos and piercing i have

i have a sun and moon tattoo on each wrist and the word “lovely” on my left bicep and i’m gonna get more but that’s all for now. n i have three piercings, one on one ear and two on the other. i was supposed to have two on both ears but one got infected and i didn’t know what to do so i took the piercing out and it fucked it up and it closed up so i gotta go get it repierced someday but that’s annoying so i just haven’t bothered yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

don’t want anymore piercings after i get that one redone tbh. but i want a pine tree tattoo i think on my ankle and a equals sign tattoo but idk where yet and lil mountains on my shoulders, also a sunflower maybe ??? i’m still tryna figure our which one i wanna get next and where. i also have been thinkin about maaaaaaybe getting the female symbol on my middle finger but idk if i want a hand tattoo ya know

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

i really liked this youtuber charlieissocoollike and he did a video about tumblr so i was like ok cool and made one but then i didn’t understand it and never used it and then caitlin one day was talking about tumblr with our friends oliver and jennica and i was like dang i wanna be cool like them so i started using it again and i found their blogs and stalked em for a while 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

not hate but i’d never speak to him again. doubt he hates me tho

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my gf

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yes

42: When did I last hold hands?

today

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

if i’m trying to look nice 45 mins-1 hour and if i’m not trying to look nice like 20-30 mins

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no but i need to lmao they a lil prickly

45: Where am I right now?

my bed and i am so happy to be here 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my gf would be there 100%, if not her then i’d say my friend Stein but she’d prolly be more fucked up honestly. my friend Kate would be there too

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

louuuuuud unless i’m in a weird sad mood then i like it real soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yeah but hopefully i’ll get my fucking act together and move out within a year but i’m still kinda figuring everything out for the time being

49: Am I excited for anything?

idk honestly i have nothing to look forward to coming up anytime soon so that sucks a lot. probably my best friend’s 21st which i think is in a few weeks?? and this music fest a good friend and i are going to at the end of this month

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yeah my good pal Joe and also my brother and my friend Brendon too but him and i haven’t talked in a while so :/

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

this is emo as shit

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today i hugged like four people!!!

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i’d be so upset and i’d break up with her and be miserable for a long while after that

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yeah there’s one

55: What is something I disliked about today?

uhh probably that i was feelin sick and on edge just generally all day. bc it was really puttin a damper on my mood

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

i’d really love to meet Ellen Degeneres

57: What do I think about most?

prolly about how i am a useless dum dum and not to sound edgggyy but i question like....... my purpose too often lately 

58: What’s my strangest talent?

talent? i don’t know her

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

i’m terrified of being vomited on. not vomit in general necessarily but it getting on me is one of the most disgusting things to me lol

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

lil bit of both but i’m better at the behind the camera stuff

61: What was the last lie I told?

told my grandma i was single bc i don’t wanna tell her i am gay n have a girlfriend even though she’d forget in like two minutes lol

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting but i’m not a big fan of either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!!!!!!!!!

64: Do I believe in magic?

no

65: Do I believe in luck?

sure

66: What’s the weather like right now?

2 hot

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

milk and honey by rupi kaur

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

tbh i love it

69: Do I have any nicknames?

elly, gaylord, dad, that one ginger

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

probably the one time i fell off my razor scooter while goin speedy down a hill and tryna show off and got scars all over my body

71: Do I spend money or save it?

been tryna save but put me in an h&m or a forever 21 or a thrift shop and it’s all gone. i love clothes that are inexpensive 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

yeah i have an empty victoria’s secret bag on my desk

74: Favorite animal?

i like bunnies and grizzly bears

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to my gf and crying probably lol it was a rough night

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

oooooo i could make a petty joke here but i won’t

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

greek tragedy // the wombats

78: How can you win my heart?

make time for me and show me i’m important to you

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“u know she dead”

80: What is my favorite word?

serendipity

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

i’d probably just start crying and everyone would stop listening

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

yeah one of my cousins murdered someone lol i am pretty sure he’s in jail but i don’t know anything about him or if he’s even still alive honestly

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

idk i’m pretty open

86: What is my current desktop picture?

some mountains lol it’s one of the Apple preset ones

87: Had sex?

yeah

88: Bought condoms?

yeah 

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

nearly but no

91:Kissed a boy?

nah i’ve never wanted to really 

92: Kissed a girl?

yeah

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yeah

94: Had job?

yep i work at a froyo shop

95: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

probably at some point when i was young but not anytime recently

97: Had sex in public?

yeah lol

98: Played on a sports team?

i was on a soccer team for a while as a kid and i hated it

99: Smoked weed?

not yet but i’d like to try it at least one time someday

100: Did drugs?

no and i am not interested in trying any other drugs besides weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?

no

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nah

104: Been overweight?

no

105:Been underweight?

for most of my life i have been lol and i finally got to a healthy weight and now i’m back to being underweight

106: Been to a wedding?

yeah a few

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yeah

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yeah but not any time recently bc i don’t have the motivation/attention span to sit through a movie or TV show anymore

109: Been outside my home country?

no but i’d really like to 

110: Gotten my heart broken?

yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

no and i was invited to one recently but i had work :(

112: Broken a bone?

no

113: Cut myself?

yeah

114: Been to prom?

yeah

115: Been in airplane?

yeah

116: Fly by helicopter?

no but i’d really like to

117: What concerts have I been to?

soooo many. i’ll try and name em. trans siberian orchestra, panic! at the disco, imagine dragons, twenty one pilots, two door cinema club, the weeknd, melanie martinez, catfish and the bottlemen, halsey, of monsters and men, walk the moon, eric clapton, paul mccartney, glass animals, a$ap rocky, drake, the chainsmokers, foo fighters, vance joy, the strumbellas, the front bottoms, kendrick lamar, the wombats, AWOLNATION, ben rector, we the kings, the ready set, the summer set ??? i think there’s some i’m forgetting but that’s most of em. i go to so many. i am also seeing saint motel, cage the elephant, weezer, passion pit, mac miller and MGMT this summer!!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yaaaaa most of my crushes have been n i’m datin a girl so

119: Learned another language?

i took four years of spanish and i’m taking another spanish class in the fall!! i was always real good at it

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no i lost it when i was 19

122: Had oral sex?

yeah

123: Dyed my hair?

nah it’s naturally red and pretty and i don’t really wanna ever dye it. i’m probably gonna dye my eyebrows tho they’re too light and i’m tired of always fillin them in

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes this last one which was exciting until hilary lost

125: Rode in a police car?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

no

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

not like legitimately but yeah i’ve gone through someone’s page out of curiosity before

129: Peed outside?

yeah

130: Been fishing?

yeah it’s sorta boring imo though

131: Helped with charity?

yeah i helped my mom with this organization she was a part of where homeless people could come and paint and make art and i helped her at a few of their shows. it is one of my favorite organizations and i met some really beautiful people there

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah he liked me too but he was figuring things out and later that year came out to me as gay and then like two years later i realized i’m kinda super gay too so it all worked out in the end

133: Broken a mirror?

no

134: What do I want for birthday?

to be with people i love

[amoonlitmidnight]

decided to answer bc im bored

1.       If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

troye.

2.       Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

mine is going home. (will greyson will greyson)

3.       What do you think about most?

if c is okay.

4.      What does your latest text message from someone else say?

true.

5.       Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with.

6.      What’s your strangest talent?

i can make good pigeon noises.

7.       Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

girls are wonderful yet complicated. boys that are good exist, but you have to sort through many awful ones to find them.

8.      Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not that I know of.

9.      When is the last time you played the air guitar?

on the bus to Bellingham lacrosse game.

10.   Do you have any strange phobias?

I am afraid of growing too old to keep memories.

11.    Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

blue berry, but who hasn’t?

12.    What’s your religion?

half-assed catholic I guess?

13.    If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

playing lacrosse.

14.   Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind.

15.    Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

the 1975 bc im basic.

16.   What was the last lie you told?

don’t worry about it, its fine.

17.    Do you believe in karma?

to an extent, yes.

18.   What does your URL mean?

thought of it randomly one night.

19.   What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness: relentless self-deprecation, to the point of believing that anybody complimenting me is out of pity.

strength: im funny.

20.  Who is your celebrity crush?

brendon urie or matty healy.

21.    Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

not yet.

22.   How do you vent your anger?

the vent app.

23.   Do you have a collection of anything?

important items/mementoes from the past year.

24.   Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting.

25.   Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

somewhat, but there’s always room for improvement.

26.   What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate: metal scraping/banging together, or other people blowing their nose.

love: laughter, rain

27.   What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if every choice ive made to get me to this point, didn’t happen?

28.  Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I believe that there are spirits of loved ones that look after us and guide us, but im not decisive about ghosts. aliens are 100% real, but maybe not in the way we expect.

29.   Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right: bedside table/lamp.

left: book (will greyson will greyson)

30.  Smell the air. What do you smell?

stuffy.

31.    What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

7th grade camp.

32.   Choose East Coast or West Coast?

west coast.

33.   Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

matty healy or troye sivan.

34.   To you, what is the meaning of life?

to do what makes you happy.

35.   Define Art.

any form of creation.

36.   Do you believe in luck?

yes.

37.   What’s the weather like right now?

sunny.

38.  What time is it?

2:01 pm.

39.   Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do not.

40.  What was the last book you read?

note to self.

41.   Do you like the smell of gasoline?

kinda.

42.   Do you have any nicknames?

g, stew, gstew, stewart

43.   What was the last movie you saw?

lion.

44.  What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

concussion.

45.   Have you ever caught a butterfly?

nope

46.  Do you have any obsessions right now?

troye.

47.   What’s your sexual orientation?

see #1

48.  Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yes, courtesy of matt.

49.  Do you believe in magic?

not really.

50.  Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yes.

51.    What is your astrological sign?

pisces.

52.   Do you save money or spend it?

spend it.

53.   What’s the last thing you purchased?

eyeliner, highliter, and primer at sephora.

54.   Love or lust?

love.

55.   In a relationship?

sadly, no.

56.   How many relationships have you had?

maybe one?

57.   Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

yes.

58.   Where were you yesterday?

last lacrosse game of the season at ballard, then alki

 59.   Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yes.

60.  Are you wearing socks right now?

no.

61.   What’s your favorite animal?

monkey.

62.   What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

be funny.

63.   Where is your best friend?

nonexistent.

64.  What is your heritage?

norwegian, irish, german i think

65.   What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

watching interstellar again.

66.  What do you think is Satan’s last name?

maybe he has one,  but he doesn’t need it. like beyonce.

67.   Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I’d like to think so.

68.  You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

let that dog die without a second thought.

69.  You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) maybe one or two people in particular, c for sure. but not everyone, instead I tell them what I have always wanted them to know.

b) I tell people what I have never been courageous enough to say, and spend time with loved ones.

c) I would be more content than afraid

70.   You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

you cannot love someone if there is no trust.

  71.    What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

more than life by whitley.

72.   What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

2935.

73.   In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

determination and unconditional love.

74.   How can I win your heart?

show me you love me, or else I wont believe you, and be able to have conversations late at night about deep shit.

75.   Can insanity bring on more creativity?

of course.

76.   What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

attending hna and trying out for lacrosse.

77.   What size shoes do you wear?

9 I think?

78.   What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

do not go gentle into that good night.

79.   What is your favorite word?

titties.

80.  Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

anatomical.

81.   What is a saying you say a lot?

me when…

82.  What’s the last song you listened to?

tokyo narita freestyle.

83.  Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

light blue, lavender, or faded pastel yellow.

84.  What is your current desktop picture?

was my north cascade summer team, now it’s a photo from the 1975 concert.

85.   If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump bc im unoriginal.

86.  What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

my feelings for someone.

87.   One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

call the cops, or just put in earbuds and listen to music really loud with my eyes closed to distract myself.

88.  You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

reading minds or shapeshifting objects.

89.  You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

the penetration practice.

90.  You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

odea vs lakeside game when I realized co wasn’t my friend anymore.

91.   You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

matty healy.

92.   You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Amsterdam.

93.   Do you have any relatives in jail?

not that I know of.

94.  Have you ever thrown up in the car?

yes, drank some week old orange juice.

95.   Ever been on a plane?

yes.

96.  If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? 

you do you, ill do me. we may not be doing the same things, but well both me happy.

[nothingpersonal-official-blog]

After a 3 year long wait, Panic! at the Disco recently embarked on their tour around Australia & New Zealand and we were there for the shows and an up close and personal encounter with the bands charismatic frontman, Brendon Urie. 

Panic! at the Disco last hit Australian shores during the 2014 Soundwave Tour and with the recent release of the #1 album ‘Death of a Bachelor’ the band was well overdue for a trip back down under. 

Admittedly, anyone who knows me, knows i am a huge fan of Panic! at the Disco, and having seen them multiple times in concert i know just how damn good they are, so when they announced their tour i knew i would be doing more than one show, in fact i did three. After all let’s face it, is one show ever really enough? 

With a career that spans over 12 years and 5 studio albums, Panic! at the Disco had a massive task set out for them, picking a setlist that would please fans from all of their era’s. However they somehow managed to balance the setlist perfectly. Opening with their high energy track ‘Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time’, front-man Brendon Urie burst onto stage in a sea of red light and smoke, showering the crowd with gold streamers, it was the perfect show opener that had everyone in the audience off their feet and dancing.  

Following up with the Too Weird track ‘Vegas Lights’, a throwback track from the bands third album ‘The Ballad of Mona Lisa’ and the Death of a Bachelor leading single ‘Hallelujah’ which was the perfect showcase of Urie’s vocal range, leaving the audience in complete and utter awe of his performances. The band performed hit after hit, both new and old, leaving it impossible to be even slightly disappointed. 

However it was their cover of the Queen track ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ that received some of the loudest cheers of the night. As Brendon Urie perched himself behind a piano, while every single person sung along to every single word, a sea of phone lights lighting up the venues, it was an unforgettable sight that i can only describe as hauntingly beautiful. I have heard multiple bands and artists cover this track, including Adam Lambert backed by the Queen members themselves but in my opinion, Panic! at the Disco has topped them all. 

Panic! backflipped and dabbed their way through performances of the tracks ‘Crazy = Genius’, ‘Miss Jackson’ and ‘Golden Day’s’ before launching into the title song for their latest album ‘Death of a Bachelor’ exploring the running theme of the album which plays out like a biopic for Urie’s journey as a musician and as a human being. Backed by a small brass band the song was another perfect showcase of Brendon’s vocal capabilities without overdoing it. 

After commanding the stage and leaving every audience member (including the parental escorts) impressed, Panic! closed their set with… can you guess it? ‘I write sins not tragedies’ the song that captured the hearts of nearly every angsty teen from the early 2000′s, the crowd roared louder than ever before, making it difficult to even hear the band singing back at them. Following up with my personal favourite track ‘This is Gospel’ and finally ‘Victorious’ launching confetti into the air as they waved goodbye, it was the perfect end to an incredible show. 

When it comes to artists that i am passionate about, it is always the dream to be able to meet them one day, to tell them how their music may have influenced your life or the way you look at yourself. Personally, Panic! at the Disco helped shape me a lot as the person i am today, so when i spotted the promoter holding a Facebook meet and greet competition, i knew i had to enter.

I’ve entered a lot of competitions in my time, for concert tickets, makeup, heck even food and yeah sure, i’ve received some coupons or movie tickets here and there but never have i ever won the opportunity to spend time with a band i care so much about. So when i was contacted by Select Touring and told i would be taken for a private Meet and Greet with Panic! at the Disco i was in complete shock and complete awe.

For days leading up to the event i would lay awake and wonder what the hell i was going to say, what i was going to do, would i get two seconds with them? two minutes? How was it all going to work? But i can tell you honestly, the second that Brendon Urie walked into that room, backstage at Brisbane’s Riverstage, all of my fears faded.

Introducing myself to him, the first words that left his mouth were ‘I remember you, i know your face’ and after i followed them around for their Soundwave tour and probably embarrassing myself a lot, i can’t say i’m surprised however being recognised as a big fan is a feeling that i cannot describe in words.

We stood there, chatted about the album, the tour, other projects he has worked on as well as a little about myself here and there. We spoke about the two Panic! themed tattoos i have permanently inked on my body (one in his handwriting), about his wife and his dogs and about the trip i took to America to see them perform. Hell we even filmed a snapchat together.

When you meet an artist, it can change your entire perspective on them. I’ve run into a couple of artists i respect and admire that have turned out to be absolute douchebags (and yes they will remain nameless), i never listened to their music after that, new or old but in the case of Brendon Urie, i have never wanted to support them more than i do now. The simple act of taking 20 minutes out of his day to stop and talk to me, to make me realise that my support is appreciated, is a respect that not all artists have for their fans these days and i can honestly say i have never been more impressed by an artist in my entire life.

After travelling to both Melbourne and back to my hometown of Brisbane, the one thing i can honestly say impresses me the most is the energy. Of all the artists i have ever seen throughout my 23 years of life, i have never seen a band put as much energy into every single performance as Panic! at the Disco did. It was evident to me that they had thought about every last detail and how it would compliment their sound, in particular the lighting design, that perfectly captured the mood, pace and emotion of every single song. 

After multiple bad airport experiences, jetlag and relentless promotional work throughout their Australian tour, Panic! at the Disco still got up on stage every night and played their show like it was the opening night of the tour, every last bit of effort was put in to make sure each and every person that attended their shows had a good time and it was because of this that no fan went home feeling underwhelmed.

This has been my completely unbiased review. okay maybe it was a little biased. sorry.

… Nothing Personal Emily

[emoceanevolution-blog]

i’m feeling sad

Have you ever felt like you were dreaming even though you were awake?: This has happened to me more than I realize. I question if some of my most cherished childhood memories were dreams. When was the last time something just seemed too good to be true?: Enrolling in all the classes I registered for. That shit never works out. And now I regret taking on this workload.

Do you believe eyes are like windows to the soul?: I can see it Do you take vitamins?: When I remember to. Gotta get that B12 Has someone ever whistled at you while you were walking?: ugh

Are you guilty of texting while driving?: Quite guilty. I only do that when I drive alone, I don’t put passengers at risk

Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library?: Once I mistook a silent fart for a clearly audible one Do you complain a lot?: I feel like I do, and I apologize for it a lot. I think it’s ok to say I’m going through some stuff and I can be honest about that with people I can trust. Have you ever been to a music festival?: Life is Beautiful, 2015 & 2017. the bestttt <333 I yearn for more music festivals in my life What was the last thing that completely took your breath away?: Brendon Urie swooshing his hair to “never gonna give you up”

The Observatory, Santa Ana, March 27 Are you a competitive person?: Slightly, more so in music scenarios Have you ever been in a relay race?: I passed a baton in high school once What cereal tastes soo good that you always eat more than 1 bowl?: REESE’S PUFFS REESE’S PUFFS

and honey nut clusters, DAMN those were good (not to be confused with honey bunches of oats, you uncultured swine) If your life was a movie, what would it be rated?: C+ on rotten tomatoes  Are you more of a talker or a listener?: Listener, for sure Have you ever called in at a radio station & dedicated a song to someone?: Hahahah thought about it Would you ever go to a protest or be involved in a protest?: I’d like to  Have you ever tried to walk on a foot that fell asleep & then tripped? Haven’t tripped, though walking proved to be much more difficult When playing rock, paper, scissors which do you usually pick?: Scissors. Wanna play? Have you ever tried to write a book?: I wrote sooo many stories as a kid. I loved writing fantasy/action adventures, in the “realistic fiction vein”. I wrote a story called “M.E.N.D.”, four friends with super human abilities working as spies to save the world from evil. It was an acronym for our names (Michelle, Ethan, Nicole, Dylan) and also our mission statement: to mend what was broken.  Don’t you hate it when people blow smoke in your face?: Quite the opposite; I like to shot gun dabs  Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail?: Not quite. Other chunks, yes Do one word text messages annoy you?: Depends on the context. In a developing (or lack of) conversation it’s the fucking worse. For communicating quick responses it is efficient Have you ever had something to say but you couldn’t get the words out?: All the fucking time. It’s been such a struggle in more recent years. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?: Several times Do you work hard for things or are they handed to you?: I work hard to stay alive, and need some handing to Did you ever have your brothers or sisters clothing handed down to you?: Oh yes, it’s the best. Sometimes my friends host a clothing exchange, and I reinvent my entire wardrobe. Making contributions is cleansing also. Do you have the same routine day by day?: That would probably do wonders for my health. I go to school the same times every day, health permitting, and the rest is chaos. Would you ever go on a walk to raise money for cancer research?: Sure. If you were treated unfairly at work, would you go on strike?: I would certainly speak up, and a strike is necessary to be heard then so be it. If God were standing in front of you, what would you say or do?: I always thought you more of the floating type Would you ever try any extreme sports?: I’d go on Wipeout  Do you know how to snap your fingers?: I’m familiar with the principle, though lacking in the execution Do you plan your outfits for the next day or just randomly choose?: Sometimes I can plan for the next day, but when the next day comes i’ll be feeling something else. I dress for comfort, and my feelings change so frequently it’s difficult to predict what will fit for the day. If I know I have an early morning I’ll select an outfit so I don’t have to devote too much mental energy when I’m sleepy. I hate waking up early. Are you a bossy person?: If something needs to get done I’ll take charge Do you control your attitude or does it control you?: It’s a tango Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another?: Could be, depends on the person. For me, I’m learning to love myself. The appreciation of the learning process helps me to see the beauty in others. So whether or not I can achieve self love, their beauty is still able to be recognized. Would you ever give blood? What blood type are you?: I have anemia, so no Is there anything that you believe should be banned for any reason?: Nazis  What does teen spirit smell like?: Body odor Do you share a bed with anyone?: My fur baby Do you ever try making your dream up before falling asleep? : I fantasize, but unlike Pacard, I do not try to “make it so”. Whatever happens, happens. Do you get angry easily?: It’s more of a sad angry

[arielufret]

Favorite Albums- from START to FINISH

I feel like we all have a handful of go-to albums that we can listen to without skipping a single song.  Not because we are lazy, but because we genuinely enjoy every track.  Albums to me are special because they (should) tell some sort of story.  I am going to list the ones that are on my go-to list.  Would love to hear what yours are!

No particular order! (I am going to try to remember to link to each of the albums via Spotify, too, so feel free to give these a spin for yourselves!) 

Switchfoot - ‘Hello Hurricane’  This one is special to me because even before hearing the first single, I got to hear the band play this album from start to finish live.  Its symbolism is impressive and creative, as its meant to represent an actual HURRICANE. The way the songs build and flow, it sounds like a storm rolling in... you can tell when you have made it to the eye of the hurricane and when the storm starts to subside.  If you haven’t given this one a listen, I suggest it.  Start at 1... no shuffle.  Go all the way to the end.  Then give me a buzz and tell me you don’t love it.  You won’t be able to. :)

Mumford & Sons - ‘Sigh No More’ This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me... even if you just kind of know me.  This band can really do no wrong in my book, but ‘Sigh No More’ is a perfect album from start to finish for me.  The world would not be the same for me, personally, without each and every one of these songs.  I can’t say that for many other albums, if any.  It’s special and exciting when you discover an album that has that kind of impact on you. 

Jessie Baylin - ‘Firesight’ & ‘Little Spark’ I have Matt Nathanson to thank for introducing me to the absolute gem that is Jessie Baylin.  I love women singer songwriters and she is at the top of my list.  ‘Firesight’ is a bit more “pop”, but I use that term quite loosely.  I also do not think there is a single thing wrong with the term.  You will see that later in my list when I go FULL ON BUBBLEGUM.  The follow up (which I waited on with baited breath) was equally special and different, but in a way in which you can still listen to both albums shuffled together and its cohesive. Do yourself a favor.  Listen to these two albums.

Matt Nathanson - ‘Beneath These Fireworks’, ‘Some Mad Hope’, ‘Modern Love’, ‘Last of the Great Pretenders’, ‘Show Me  Your Fangs’ As you can see from the list here, this man can do no wrong in my book.  Not only did he introduce me to Jessie Baylin by bringing her out to open on a tour of his many years ago, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t one of my all time favorite songwriters/story tellers.  A live show from Matt is equal parts music and comedy show, and he does both parts with uncanny ability.  Over the last decade+, Matt Nathanson has provided me with endless hours of listening.  Some songs have pulled me out of myself for long enough that I can see things the way they should be instead of staying inside my own head and self destructing.  If that isn’t talent, then I don’t know what is.  Honorable mention: Live album, ‘At the Point (Live)’.

Tom Petty - ‘Full Moon Fever’ Here we have my first favorite album of all time.  It will always be special to me, as long as I have ears to listen to music or a memory of how special music is to me.  I was a whopping four years old when this album was released.  I stole it-- like legit STOLE it-- from my dad.  I still have it in my possession today.  He never got it back.  From the moment I heard it, it was like something inside me clicked ‘on’ and it never turned ‘off’.  For that, I will forever be indebted to the one and only, Tom Petty (& the Heartbreakers, of course).

Billy Joel - ‘Storm Front’ Again, this one is sentimental to me because it happened when I was just really discovering music and picking out  my own favorites.  My parents were in one of those ridiculous “CD clubs” where they would send you those sheets of stamps that you would go through and pick the 10 albums or whatever the number was that you wanted and they supposedly would charge you a penny or some ridiculous nonsense.  I was 4, so I didn’t understand what a pyramid scheme was, but I am sure there is someone out there searching for my parents to pay off their cd club debts to society.  Now that we have the back story-- there was a day my parents were look through their little CD cover stamps and I begged to have them let me pick a few for myself.  I was a spoiled brat, so of course they obliged.  My first choice was Billy Joel’s ‘Storm Front’.  Because of my obession with “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  I wore that album OUT.  It also left me with a skill that not many others have (I have asked and literally no one I have met can beat me at this).... I can sing every. single. word to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  I am still holding my breath for an update from the 90′s to present.  Get on that, Bill.  I know you’ve got it in you!

Taylor Swift - ‘Red’ and ‘1989′ When you think perfect pop music, if you don’t think Taylor Swift, then I am not sure what you are looking for you in your pop music.  Love her or hate her (I know what I would say to the haters-- ‘Why you gotta be so mean’) you have to admit her songwriting talent is there.  And it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, as she seemingly is getting better and better with age and experiences.  ‘Red’ was still when Taylor was in the country world but toeing into the wavy waters of full fledged POP.  They are both in my ‘driving albums’ rotation.  Perfect singalong at the top of your lungs material, especially if you are in a post break up, girl power mode (who isn’t always in that mode, though?)

One Direction - ‘Midnight Memories’, ‘FOUR’, ‘Made in the A.M.’ While I am on straight up POP, I have to discuss One Direction.  I grew up the the world of the boyband.  I was certain after the early 2000′s this fad would go away to return maybe never but certainly not with a group put together by Simon Cowell on a British competition show.  But... alas... HERE THEY WERE, right in front of my eyes.  Each of the 5 members of the band auditioned as solo artists.  They did not make it, but the genius of Simon Cowell said ‘Wait just a bloody minute!!!’, at least thats how I imagine it going down backstage.  And he pulled the 5 adorable youngsters together and said “SING AND DANCE AND MAKE THE WORLD LOVE YOU” and then they did just that.  They did not win the X Factor but considering they are one of the top earning groups of all time and no one knows who came in first that season, I would say they fucking WON.  In the process, they won my (much to old for this) heart and I have not been the same since.  Luckily, I have friends my age who think the same thing, and they are all of age now, so I don’t have to feel creepy.  Also, one of them knocked up one of the judges on the X Factor and she is older than me.  So, I suppose its all in good fun.  If you are ever in the mood for perfect pop, look up a One Direction album.  NO SHAME!  I promise. 

Taking Back Sunday - ‘Tell All Your Friends’ Now, for the emo section.  This album is high school for me.  Senior year.  It also reminds me of ex boyfriends from hell, which is not usually a welcome thing, but isn’t that what emo music is for?  Open up all of the wounds you thought you’ve licked clean and healed just to remind you what it means to FEEL something. Anything.  These songs aren’t all F YOU anthems to ghosts of girlfriends/boyfriends past, though.  Some are genuinely fun, at least for me.

Brand New - ‘Your Favorite Weapon’ In another emo nod to high school memories, we have Brand New.  Now, this band has beef with Taking Back Sunday and you can actually tell in their lyrics if you pay close attention.  See if you can find it!  Its fun!

Fall Out Boy - ‘Take This to Your Grave’, ‘From Under the Cork Tree’, ‘Infinity on High’, ‘Save Rock and Roll’ Here is another band that I have literally ZERO shame in admitting my love for.  Emo? Whatever. Who cares?  They have badass, long song titles that make nearly no sense with the song’s theme and it makes me love them even more.  Plus, just google for some leaked photos of Pete Wentz and then you can have that visual to go along with the tracks and think happy thoughts.  Dirty.  I know.  I am sorry.  Its late and I am not sleeping until I finish this list. Panic! at the Disco - ‘A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out’, Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die’ Another band with a flare for a killer, long, sometimes ridiculous song title.  The first album from this band is ALL sophomore year of college for me.  Just as wonderful and confusing as those days were, this album is all of that and more.  Their 2013 release is just as special to me, and the songs are just so good.  I don’t care what your preconceived ideas are on this band.... give these songs a whirl.  Their other albums are great too, but I do tend to skip a song or two when playing the album from start to finish, so rules being rules... I had to keep them from the list.  But some of those songs will land on a list of of some of my favorite songs.  So keep that in mind and give the full catalog a spin around the block for good measure.  Brendon Urie, while we don’t have access to cell phone photos of what is under his clothes, we do have the video for a song called “Girls/Girls/Boys” which is almost (maybe more?) satisfying in a nod to the D’Angelo video for “Untitled (How Does it Feel?)”.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

Howie Day - ‘Australia’, ‘The Madrigals EP’, ‘Stop All The World Now’, 'Live From.... EP’  As far as singer-songwriters go, Howie Day can basically do no wrong in my book.  I stumbled upon Howie in the beginning of my desire to learn everything I could about John Mayer circa 2001.  Thanks to that, I found one of my favorite artists of all time with Howie (he opened for John on some key dates in the earlier days of his career).  His debut, ‘Australia’ still gets regular play from me, as to his other albums. Howie had some radio success and VH1 love for a couple of singles, so you may recognize the tracks “She Says” and “Ghost”.  Now, my love for Howie isn’t just his boyish charm and great songwriting.  Its also that mother F’ing looping pedal.  The first time I saw him live, so many years ago.... I about had a heart attack.  I had never seen anything like it.  He was a one man music machine and I couldn’t get enough.  Now, if anyone performs with a looping pedal, I automatically compare them to Howie and they rarely stack up to his skills.  But I still fall for a man with looping pedal skills & an acoustic guitar, it never fails.   

John Mayer - ‘Inside Wants Out EP’, ‘Room For Squares’, ‘Any Given Thursday’, ‘Heavier Things’ Oh John Mayer.  Where do I even start?  Discovered just shortly before the blockbuster release of ‘Room For Squares’.  He gave me one of the greatest moments of my teenage life when I won upgraded tickets (front row) and meet & greet to his first big headlining tour. THANKS FAN CLUB!  That was also the beginning of the end for me and live music... spoiled rotten.  There are not many songwriters alive today that I can say I believe have more raw, indisputable talent than that of this human being.  Don’t even get me started on his guitar skills.  If you haven’t already spent some time with his catalog, I suggest starting from the beginning with these 4 suggestions. 

Not ALL of them made the list, but as artists before on this list it doesn’t mean that those unmentioned albums aren’t nearly perfect.  So give those a listen to, if you like what you hear from these suggestions.  They just might be YOUR perfect album.  Who knows!?

okay.... I am not done.  So stay tuned for more.  I will just be editing this post, not making a new one.  

[thepatricktreestump]

Saudade: Ch2

Sure, you knew Josh leaving for tour would be bad, but you never thought it would be this bad. The apartment was so empty and quiet without him. Everything felt so sad and gray, as if every bit of sunshine within your life was swept away, leaving you all alone. The bed felt so much bigger without him there to cuddle you and there was an ache between your legs that your fingers just couldn’t seem to satiate no matter how hard you tried. Every time you called Josh, more than half of the time, it went straight to voicemail. You blamed it on bad luck, knowing very well it was just the time zone changes and his busy schedule, but secretly in the back of your head, you worried if maybe he didn’t even miss you at all. The only time you were able to see him was through the old photos in your phone, and the only chance you could get to hear his voice was through that stupid cheesy voicemail of disappointment.

“Hey,” you greeted a little to overexcitedly one time a call actually got picked up. “How are you doing baby? I’ve missed you so much.”

“Tired,” a weak, miserable, quiet voice responded. Josh must’ve been exhausted. “I’ve had a super busy day.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” you mumbled, instantly picking up on the way he wasn’t nearly as excited to talk to you as you were with him. “How have things been going?”

“It’s great,” his voice perked up and you frowned a little bit at his sudden show of enthusiasm. “Tyler and I have been selling out almost every show. It’s so much fun and our fans make us the coolest art, I swear. The merch has been going like crazy, life’s been good on the road, it’s insane.” There was a pause and you waited for him to tell you the part where he wished you were there with him or how much he missed you or that he wanted more than anything for you to be there in his arms, but it never came.

“So-” you began to ask another question when you got cut off.

“Ty is going to bed and I am too, it’s really late,” he yawned. “I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

“Love you,” you murmured back before promptly getting hung up on. That had been the last call you had with Josh in two weeks.

It was a late Friday night when it all began. Josh had been gone for about a month now, and you were sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, watching your favorite TV show and trying to take your mind off things. But it didn’t help. You missed the way Josh would wrap his arms around you or kiss your neck or play with your hair or try to distract you from the screen. You closed your eyes tight before staring at your phone. You knew he probably wasn’t even awake right now but you tried to call him. Of course, he didn’t pick up. You bit down on your lower lip and pressed the button again, and again, and again, and before you knew it, you had ten missed phone call attempts.

“I hate this,” you groaned, angrily tossing your phone to the ground and feeling frustrated and exhausted and sad. Tears began to form in your eyes and so you took a deep breath, heading to the kitchen. Maybe all you needed was a little wine. You opened up the cabinet where you kept the drinks, bottles that you had received for holidays but never touched since neither you or Josh drank often, and picked up a red wine. You fumbled in the drawer for a corkscrew and then began to get a glass when you decided fuck it, you probably needed the entire thing. So you walked over to the couch, wine bottle in hand, and began to drink.

Vision growing hazy, more than half of the bottle gone, you tried to fix your eyes to the television. That’s when you started to think over things. Just because Josh was gone shouldn’t have meant that your life should go downhill all of a sudden. You could be independent and happy and confident without him. You didn’t need him in order to have a good time. So you took several more gulps of wine, feeling a nice buzz, switching off the television and picking up your phone, switching it to one of your favorite songs and dancing around the house, singing at the top of your lungs. You pranced into your bedroom, not really thinking right, and slid open the closet, picking out a fancy dress and changing into it, then admiring yourself in the mirror. As the final notes of your song played, you switched off your phone, deciding to leave it home and go for a nice stroll, stepping into a pair of heels and fixing up your hair, then walking down the street.

It didn’t take but less than ten minutes before someone stopped you. “Woah there!” a lady laughed. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m feeling great!” you tried your best attempt to cover up your overzealous bubbly behavior. “Just super excited.”

“Okay,” she gave a small smile. “Just wanted to make sure you’re fine.” She began to walk away and you put on a confident smile.

Quickly, your eyes were drawn to the street signs, bright lights, the way the city seemed so much more alive at night time. A small bar caught your eye. You hadn’t really been to a lot of bars before, except for a couple occasions with Josh, which were usually just small celebrations with friends or for business. Then again, you didn’t drink that often either. But with Josh gone and the aftertaste of red wine on your tongue, you decided to push open the door and walk in, smug smile on your face, strutting towards a chair and ordering a shot of tequila. “Just you?” the bartender raised an eyebrow.

“Yes sir,” you nodded. “I’m a lone ranger tonight.”

“I admire that,” he chuckled, pouring your drink. You downed it, instantly wishing you hadn’t. Unlike the wine, this was much more strong, and you forced yourself to swallow it, feeling the odd sensation tingle down your throat.

“Hey there beautiful,” a gentleman sat beside you in the bar, lips tugged up in a smirk. You eyed him carefully, noticing he looked somewhat familiar. He had his hair gelled back, dress shirt and pants, and a fancy tie. Wide lips, handsome face, dangerous eyes, everything about him looked like trouble. You loved it.

“You talking to me?” you inquired.

“I did say beautiful, didn’t I?” he reminded.

“Charming,” you rolled your eyes.

“We’ll take two margaritas,” he told the bar tender. “And her previous drink’s on me.”

“Definitely charming,” you chuckled.

“It’s what I do,” he winked. “Brendon, by the way.”

“Y/n,” you introduced yourself.

“Lovely name for a lovely lady,” he nodded. “You come here alone?”

“Lucky for you, I did,” you replied.

Just like that, the two of you struck up a conversation. You talked for what seemed like just a couple seconds, when really, hours were passing between the both of you. Brendon gave off a nice vibe, the sort of quirky yet handsome guy everyone would want to be friends with, and he was even kind enough to pay for you. He showed you some of his tattoos and you both talked about one of your favorite TV shows, the time flying as you conversed between each other. Several drinks, a lot of laughs, plenty of flirting, until finally, the long waited question was presented. “So, you single?” Brendon inquired.

“Nah,” you shook your head. “My boyfriend’s out of town.”

“Is he now?” his eyes lit up, his lips parting slightly to let out a dark chuckle.

“Yeah we’ve been dating for a couple years now,” you explained. “He’s really nice. But he’s been gone for a really long time.”

“How long?” Brendon wondered.

“A little over a month,” you sighed. There was a couple seconds of silence that passed, as if he was thinking hard about the next thing he was going to say.

“Well if you ever get lonely…” he flickered his eyes up to you. “I’m always available.”

“Are you now?” you gave a sly smile at the sound of his offer.

“Well, only for you,” he admitted.

“I don’t have any plans tonight,” you mentioned. “Wouldn’t want to be lonely either.”

“I’m sure,” he chuckled. “Mind if we take this back to my place?”

“Not at all,” you replied. “In fact, I’d love to.”

Honestly, you never intended to meet anyone at the bar, especially anyone half this charming and good looking, but you did. Even more so, you wouldn’t ever have thought yourself to be the kind to continue the night with the mysterious stranger back at his home, getting even more drunk than you already were, cuddling up with him on the couch and listening to chill music, a blanket wrapped around the two of you, his arms loosely wrapped around your waist. “So you’ve been all alone lately,” he murmured, glancing at you, casually placing a hand on your knee. “Do you ever take care of yourself?”

“What do you mean?” you raised an eyebrow, looking up at him.

“Do you ever have a little fun?” he rephrased the question, sliding his hand up your thigh, leaning in closer to you. Brendon’s voice dropped low. “I bet you do.”

“Maybe,” you admitted, flickering your eyes up to meet him. “So what?”

“I could offer a little assistance perhaps,” he smirked. “I mean, with you being all by yourself these days.”

“I think I’d like that,” you bit down on your lower lip, studying his eyes, your entire body still buzzing from the amount of alcohol in your system. You leaned in closer, lips barely pressed against his. “I think I’d love it.” Before you could even process what you were doing, you kissed him and closed your eyes, it instantly heating up as you grabbed handfuls of his shirt and began tugging it off, his tongue slipping into your mouth, his hands getting a firm grip on your thighs, kissing you passionately.

“Y/n baby, get on your knees for me,” he murmured and you nodded your head, sliding to the floor and working at his belt buckle, sliding off his pants before palming him through his boxers, causing him to let out a moan. You tugged down the waistband and widened your eyes, then flickered your gaze back to Brendon. “What? Too big for you, sweetheart?” You returned your attention back to the task at hand, grabbing onto his hips and kissing the head of his cock before taking it into your mouth, bobbing your head up and down, closing your eyes and hollowing your cheeks. You hummed, making a moan spill out from his mouth, his hands tugging tight on your hair. “That’s right baby, suck me real good.” He jerked at your hair, fucking your face roughly before pulling out, lifting you up to your feet and sloppily kissing you again.

“Fuck,” you gasped when you felt his hand squeeze one of your tits, and he trailed his lips down your neck, nipping and sucking hard at your skin. He trailed his hand down your stomach, then below your dress, snaking up towards your underwear and higher, lifting the dress up your stomach and then pulling away to tug it up off your head and throw it to the ground. He then unclasped your bra skillfully, sliding that off and tossing it aside, using both hands to grab your breasts, rubbing small circles over your nipples with his thumb, then kissing his way down to suck on them, moving his hands towards your stomach and hips, hooking his fingers around your panties and tugging them down your legs, helping you step out of them.

“So beautiful,” he mumbled, kissing you and grabbing your ass tight, pressing up closer to you and causing you to wrap your legs around his waist. He slid his tongue into your mouth, carrying you to his bedroom and kicking closed the door, laying you down on the bed and kissing your breasts, your stomach, your thighs, but before even pressing his lips to your folds, he glanced up at you, sensing the desire and desperation in your eyes, smirking and then lifting himself up.

“Please,” you begged. “Don’t tease me like that Brendon.”

“Why? What do you want?” he continued, his soft breath brushing against your core.

“Fuck me,” you pleaded. “I need it.”

“Need, huh?” he raised an eyebrow, chuckling softly. “You stay right there, spread those legs for me, and don’t you dare even think about touching yourself.” You did as told and watched as he quickly opened the drawer of his nightstand, fumbling for a condom, ripping it open and sliding it on in no time before climbing on top of you and kissing you again. His hands and lips seemed to be everywhere all at once, his rough, quick, desperate movements making adrenaline rush through your veins, his intense eyes luring you in and filling you with lust. Brendon seemed to have the magic touch. Every time his skin came in contact with yours it was as if being ignited, engulfed in flames, melting and burning and incinerating all at once. It was so reckless and amazing and dangerous and you loved it. Then again, you were drunk as fuck, so you didn’t even process half of what was happening, but all you knew was that you never wanted this feeling to stop.

“Holy shit,” you moaned, scratching your fingernails into his back as he rocked in and out of you, thrusting harder and faster each time. The feeling was overwhelming, each inch sinking into you making your entire body shudder, and he was gasping as the two of you came, clinging onto each other desperately. Your hips rolled upwards in perfect syncopation as you rode out the waves of your orgasm, and when he pulled out, you were both struggling to catch your breath.

“That was fucking amazing,” he breathed. He rolled over to the side of the bed, leaving you to try and slow your heartbeat, your entire body still shaking from the intensity. He returned to your side several short moments later, wrapping you in his arms, tugging up a blanket and wrapping it around both of you.

“Brendon,” you whispered, rolling over to face him and kiss him again, sliding your tongue in his mouth. When you pulled away, he smiled at you. “That was one of the best fucks of my entire life.”

“Same here,” he smirked. “I don’t think I want it to end.”

“Me either,” you sighed, hugging him tight. The entire room smelled like alcohol and sex. The lights were off, moonlight filtering through the blinds, the whole room calm and still and peaceful. Just to think that moments ago you were both noisy as hell, fucking each other relentlessly, causing all the ruckus in the world, and now it was so silent and quiet, it sent a shiver down your spine. He must’ve sensed your uneasiness, because he let out a soft exhale, tilting his head slightly.

“Take it easy, babe,” he reassured, kissing your forehead. He rubbed small circles on your back, calming you down. “It’s probably just the alcohol in your system. Just get some rest.”

“Thank you,” you mumbled sleepily.

“It was my pleasure,” Brendon chuckled. “Believe me.”

“I don’t know,” you yawned. “I mean, I had quite the night.”

“I think we both did,” he laughed softly. There was a pause. “You don’t have to leave right away in the morning, uh, if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t think I’m going to leave anytime soon,” you giggled, placing a kiss to his lips.

“I like the sound of that,” he grinned. “But it’s late baby, you should get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Brendon,” you murmured, nuzzling up to his chest, closing your eyes.

“Sweet dreams y/n,” he replied.