#every time I think it's ready to get posted I find something Unacceptable!

[unabashedly-so]

more excerpts of Yours and Mine (But Mostly Yours), because I'm mad life hasn't given me a chance to finish it off yet i mean both characters are finished off but asdsfhadskh

warning for implied domination (this is literally as heavy as it gets... which is not very much because it's Elliott), and cunnilingus mention. nsfw what did you expect. dead dove?

Yours

He gives you a delicious, devious smirk, stretching his fingers deeper into your mouth where you take them with pleasure. “I’ve never been one for corporal punishment, my dear…” he says, now slowly extracting his fingers. You let him do so, but not without a little whine. “However…” He runs his fingers down the side of your face, ghosting by your ear in a way that sends shivers down your spine. His hand travels down and settles like a lace collar on your throat that he uses to entice you closer to him until you turn your head so your lips just barely brush against his, then he uses his hand on your throat to hold you in place, no closer, no farther. “I know exactly how to handle you.” Your breath hitches, heart lurches in anticipation. Your pulse point begins pounding against his fingers on your neck and you know he notices by how suddenly he closes the gap. It’s passionate but restrained. He hums into your lips, the sound of a man eager and assured he’ll have his pleasure from you just how he wants it, and soon.

Mine

Elliott hisses and his hips buck minutely, slurring something under his breath. A few moments later, he breathes out, “This is much harder than I ttth—thought.” “My thoughts exactly.” Elliott gives you a dry look through his half-lidded eyes and hair as mussed up as he’ll ever allow. As most of his attempts to chide you go, it soon cracks into a smile in spite of himself. You’d never tell him, but there’s the faintest beginnings of crows feet when he smiles at you like that. It melts your heart a little—to think of how you’ll get to see them become a permanent fixture as the years go by, like the littlest, subtle mark of your doing impressed into his skin. “I have the most ravishing, loving, incorrigible woman in my lap, who only minutes ago I had whimpering my name while riding my face.” He laughs, and the slight movement lights a noticeable spark in you both. His next words come out a heady groan. “Oh, you have no idea…”

[skzoologist]

I got another idea for a fic :]]

So one of the members (you choose who) are struggling. It could be they aren't feeling so good about themselves, or they are struggling with a dance move or anything that's just making them feel down they obvi try to hide that cuz they don't want the others to worry but Bae notices the small change in their behavior and comforts them :]]

(hope you don't mind me coming here randomly with fic ideas😅)

-🐿️

word count: ~1.7-1.8k

warnings: negative thinking, self-deprecative thoughts

genre: hurt/comfort

a/n: Hey-ho 🐿️ anon, hope you don't mind that I wrote this request of yours now, and not the other two you sent in earlier than this. I just think we all need a hug, so I wrote this one instead. Love your ideas, as always, and I hope you enjoy reading this!

Please let me know if I left a warning or anything out, I will add it in! Reblogs, likes and feedback are greatly appreciated!

!I don't condone anyone stealing my work and posting it anywhere without my permission, or feeding it to AI!

!This is just fiction, my interpretation of Stray Kids. By no means is this how they are and how they behave in real life!

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Bae woke up with a strange feeling in his chest. It gnawed away at his flesh and ribs, desperate to get out and do something. Albeit what, he did not know.

But it was concerning.

It had nothing to do with himself, Bae was sure about it. He felt well-rested -as rested as you could get with their schedules-, his body was in a fine condition. Even his unruly hair was in an acceptable condition in the morning, something that was rare. It just confused him.

If it wasn’t about his own condition, then what was his body warning him about, endlessly ringing that alarm bell in his head?

With furrowed eyebrows, he got ready for the day, fully clothed in some loose clothing, the one he always wore to dance practice. He wanted to go over some older choreos, lest his body forget them, something that would be unacceptable. 

No one else was up when Bae sneaked out of his room, an unsurprising fact. 

Much like his dear leader, he was a workaholic, leaving himself with the bare minimum of sleep in exchange for more work. Which was why he was usually the first one to check on Chan if he wasn’t in his bed -or god forbid, the couch in the dorm’s living room-, finding the man in his studio with dark circles and a hunched back, fatigue clinging to him desperately. It would lead to the younger patiently waiting there in silence, just until his hyung’s eyes finally closed. Even with Chan’s well-built form, Bae didn’t have a lot of problems moving him over to the couch, leaving only after a blanket was draped over the exhausted man.

But that day Chan was in his bed, thankfully, allowing Bae to go straight to their usual practice room, where he could let the music take over and move his body to its own whims, only for the others to find him still dancing, hours later. Sweat dripped from him in translucent rivers, long locks of hair sticking uncomfortably to heated skin. His chest heaved up and down, the lack of air only registering in his mind then.

Danceracha didn’t hesitate to start berating him, talking his ear off about resting more while his water bottle was pushed into his hands roughly. He let them talk without saying anything, hungrily drinking the clear liquid from the bottle in his grasp.

Bae’d already done this dance of theirs hundreds of times, the others always finding him working and practising with little to no rest in that same room, nearly every morning. He’d learned that letting them scold him was the best route to take, the one where their worries for him took on the smallest possible form.

“Hyung, you really gotta rest more, that’s also part of a healthy lifestyle!” - Felix angrily told him, nose slightly scrunched up in frustration. “Felix, you know that he doesn’t listen, just let it go.” - Minho replied in Bae’s stead, who just stood there silently. “But then what should we do?!” “Take away his access to the room.” “Minho hyung, I could kiss you.” “Please don’t.”

The two chased after each other, Felix offended at the disgusted face Minho made at his comment. There was a playfulness in all of it, slightly easing that gnawing sensation in Bae’s chest.

Yet, the moment he looked over at the only other silent person in the room, it strengthened, making his brows slightly furrow and lips dip down.

Hyunjin looked different. Not in his appearance, no, there was nothing wrong or off about that. Those long, dark strands were pulled back in that oh so familiar hairstyle, his usual clothes loose on his skin. No, it was the way his lips were in a small, permanent downwards arch, eyes duller than usual, as if the moon was blocking out the sun’s radiant shine.

It didn’t sit well with Bae.

In a blink it was gone, a smile in its place as Hyunjin waved at the taller member, playfully looking at him with a questioning hum. It felt as if it was all a hallucination, the unavoidable consequences of his own relentless dancing. The more he looked, the more he convinced himself of that.

Hyunjin seemed fine.

Soon the four of them started dancing, working on their new choreography. It went much like it usually did, everyone throwing in their ideas for certain parts and beats in the music, the others voicing their opinion about it. Minho called the final shots, being the one with the most knowledge in the area. None of them had any problems with it, it only felt natural.

Once they had it mostly done, it was time to rehearse a different choreography for their future tour, making small adjustments here and there. Their dynamic was impeccable, everyone stayed in their own bubble and performed the moves perfectly.

And yet, yet Bae couldn’t help but frequently glance at Hyunjin through the floor-to-ceiling mirror that stood unshakeable in front of them. It took him several repeats of the song, but he caught more and more small things that were off in the way Hyunjin moved and behaved. A small tremble of an arm, a misplaced foot by only a few inches, that same downturned smile appearing for the split of a second.

Nobody else seemed to have noticed, based on their lack of reaction, only Bae.

The moment Minho announced that they were done and the two youngest collapsed onto the floor, Bae didn’t hesitate to throw a look at the older’s way. At his slight head tilt and concerned eyes, Bae subtly pointed at Hyunjin and the door, making sure the other two weren’t looking. Understanding flashed through those dark eyes, a slight nod letting the otter know about it.

“Huh? Bae hyung and Jinnie hyung, aren’t you two coming?” - Felix asked, confused as he was gently being ushered out by Minho. “No, we’ll go later. See you, Lixie, Lino hyung.” - Bae answered in a lighthearted tone, hoping it would ease the younger’s concerns and maybe even erase them.

The aussie only mumbled an ‘Oh, okay’ and animatedly waved, leaving the room with only one of his hyungs. It left just the two artists there, alone, one still laying on the ground, the other sitting down next to him quietly.

It was silent.

Bae didn’t need to say anything, he knew Hyunjin realised he’d failed to hide something from him. So, he patiently waited there, until the boy would open up to him at his own pace. Only a phone was in Bae’s hands, the chat with Hyunjin’s manager open.

It didn’t matter what Hyunjin had scheduled for the rest of the day, Bae would take on the consequences for cancelling and rescheduling them. Knowing this fully well, the manager didn’t argue at all and just did as he was asked. Not wanting to keep him out of the loop, Bae sent a quick text to Chan as well, knowing how the man could get when it came to his members and their wellbeing.

“Hyung, am I not good enough?” - Hyunjin’s voice was quiet, heartbreakingly so.

Bae instantly locked and pocketed his phone, his attention solely on his younger member and the way his voice trembled. Gently, the older took the hand that laid closer to him and grasped it, caressing the skin with his thumb. Not a sound escaped him, knowing fully well that it wasn’t the end of what Hyunjin wanted to say.

“It’s just, am I worthless? Is my dancing not good or precise enough? Is my voice too nasally and bad? Am I ugly? Is all my work really not enough? All I keep seeing online are people saying how I’m not dancing as well as I used to, how I should’ve gotten less lines and let someone else, like Seungminnie, sing more, and just how I used to look better like this and that, or how others look better than me. Should I even be here, in this group? Do I even deserve it at this point?”

By the end, Hyunjin’s voice completely broke, just like the dam that held his tears back. The crystal droplets endlessly fell from his eyes, running over the expanse of pale skin and carving a way for themselves down to the floor. Quiet sounds escaped his throat and through his fingers, a hand placed there, although useless in muffling any voice. The other hand that was held moved away from its place, its new assignment to hide those sorrowful depths and block out anyone from witnessing them, from letting the heartbroken boy acknowledge the fact that someone was seeing his broken and curled up form.

As gently as he could, Bae scooted over and took the trembling boy in his hold, letting him weep into his clothes and skin. A hand was carding through those dark locks soothingly in an unheard rhythm, the other holding onto as many pieces as it could, mending them together. A low hum left his throat, one that made Hyunjin move into the crook of his neck, hiding from the world and his gaze.

“You’re more than enough, Jinnie. You are beautiful and handsome, pulling off looks others couldn’t even dare to think about. Your voice is soft, taking anyone who listens to it into a cosy headspace, as if they were bundled up in front of the fireplace amidst the harsh weather of winter. The dance style you have is unique, your moves captivating and flowing together perfectly. You’re talented and hardworking, someone who undeniably earned their place in this band and industry. Besides, we all love you too much to ever let you go, you’re stuck with us for a lifetime.” - Bae’s voice was low and quiet, as if the winds themselves learned how to whisper for Hyunjin’s sake.

The sobbing decreased with every sentence that left the older’s lips, only quiet sniffing left behind in their wake. A few trembles remained, but the boy was relaxed in the other’s arms, comfortably laying there, sheltered from the grim world.

“I love you. I’ll tell you again and again, no matter how many times I need to.” - the words felt immovable, firmly settling onto Hyunjin’s form, along with the small kiss that Bae left on the crown of his head.

They sat there for a while, none of them knowing, nor caring how much time had passed. Both were content in their position, lazily drinking in the other’s presence as only soft humming could be heard in the peaceful silence.

Everything would be fine.

[rriavian]

Another WIP snippet, inspired by a post made by @merculuros, this is still very rough (and incomplete) but I think it still works as a standalone.

Title: (Im)patience is a virtue

Summary: Dream doesn’t wait once he regains his tools. He already knows exactly what he wants.

-

Dream starts at the Corinthian’s hips.

The left one—chosen only because he has to start somewhere—lips closing over tanned skin, the subtle jut of the Corinthian’s bone. Dream could linger, will be back, now follows the line of muscle connecting pelvis to stomach with his tongue, knows this path so very well because he made it. The strong muscles of the abdomen; a physique he’d melded into shape, the indents he’d made with his fingers, now alive and quivering under little questing licks of his tongue.

Dream pauses, feels first the steady rise and fall of the Corinthian’s chest, the swell of artificial lungs, then once again the shivering of muscles contracting beneath his lips. 

Now that is something he’s not yet had.

Dream wants more of it.

So he continues upwards, gets to the smooth plane of the Corinthian’s chest, is once again faced with the decision of which way to go and this time choice only irritates because Dream wants both. The possibility of neglecting either one is unacceptable; Dream finds a way around it, gets a nipple between his teeth, the other between two fingers, and he pinches and sucks at the same time because he will not deny himself. 

The Corinthian groans. 

It’s a lovely pleased sound, needing and wanting, which is good because it matches Dream’s desires exactly. No misalignment here, no rebellion, just the smooth rolling purr of his nightmares voice, that ream of silk Dream put so lovingly inside his throat, now deepened. 

Now loud. 

The Corinthian tangles a hand in Dream's hair; twists, yanks, shoves, violent in pleasure as he holds him where he is, and that feels good too. 

Dream shifts a little, just enough so a leg rests between the Corinthian’s, so that his own are spread across one strongly muscled thigh. Dream had made his creation bigger than him, a little taller too, masculine and powerful and no matter what his nightmare has done in the waking world he isn’t a gift for any human to enjoy. Dream had made something that pleases him; something beautiful, something with a smile, something warm too, with golden skin and sharp, vicious teeth.

Perhaps it’s a little too self-congratulatory.

Perhaps this admiration for his own work is arrogant, but even if he cared for humility Dream could not know exactly how the Corinthian would taste before he tried him. 

Finally he can, finally he does, draws both nipples to hardened nubs as the Corinthian arches back onto the bed and swears. There's another sharp tug in Dream’s hair, that big hand now cups the back of his skull, splays fingers across the curve as if debating whether to crush or cradle. His nightmare is hard against his leg, and Dream is too, achingly so where he’s pressed against the thigh he straddles.

The position was a good choice though.

It lets him touch and be touched, lets him lavish attention without leaving any part of his creation forgotten, teasing with the sharp line of a fingernail as he grazes the other nipple with his teeth. Dream can give his nightmare his mouth and feel better about the rest needing to wait its turn because the Corinthian can have the length of him now. He has the full line of Dream’s body, feet tangled with his, can have it and keep it and this would only be better if they were back in the Dreaming. 

His nightmare isn’t ready to leave yet though, still wilful, still needing persuasion, and Dream himself had been far too impatient to wait.

Even now he can’t quite hold it back; wants more, wants to find out how every inch of this body tastes, and yet Dream can’t bring himself to pull away from where he is. Not when he’s enjoying it so very much, not when he knows he’s still being held here, and if his nightmare wants to be pleased like this then he won’t deny him. Dream listens to the Corinthian’s harsh breaths, feels the cruel flex of fingers in his hair, wants nothing more than to see if he can make his nightmare come just from this.

The subconscious stirs, curious and clamouring, and Dream very nearly lashes out as he tells it to go away he is mine.

It still reels with the sting of a slap—settles beneath his skin, skittering back to repose—and Dream hums contently in the silence as he begins to rock against the Corinthian’s thigh, leg brushing against his nightmare’s cock. The motion is small, yet enough to please them both, a slick friction against the skin that means Dream can have more without needing to move. The Corinthian moans with all three mouths, a relief, some of his need diffusing out, and Dream had known that despite his creations enjoyment he’d needed more stimulation. 

The tight grip in Dream’s hair hasn’t eased. 

“Will you let me move?” He murmurs, swirls his tongue around the delicate skin of his nightmare's nipple. “Or do you mean to keep me here?”

“I’ll keep you where I want.” The Corinthian says, cold despite the way his body burns. “And you’ll stay.”

Dream smirks. 

“Yes.” He replies, soft—a play at being meek because he likes the way it makes the Corinthian stutter—lets the order sink under his skin. It’s sweet like molasses, like the richness of his nightmare's drawling voice, because Dream is a monster too and the Corinthian can’t hurt him by being something as lovely as rough. 

He sighs; greed soothed but not yet sated, no need to rush, Dream held still with his head bent over his nightmare's skin and knowing all he’ll get is more.

“I’ll stay.”

[mentalisttraceur]

Craving (Righteous) Violence

a post on Weaponized Cognition

Got really triggered this morning. Haven't stopped getting re-triggered in the hours since. Once one strong-enough triggering happens, I compulsively run through related scenarios in my head. The first fight-or-flight response wears off while I'm in the middle of imagining something that warrants another.

An old adaptive habit of trying to pre-plan responses that has long ago turned cancerous, unproductively chewing through mental resources as I consider yet more unrealistic extremes which will never happen, all the while real-world stuff gets neglected and I remain just as unprepared and sometimes in my head instead of in the moment when the moment actually comes.

Full of violent rage with nowhere to go, an emotional capability forced to grow and grow and grow until it was strong enough to blast past all my excess empathy, kindness, and compassion, so that I would stop altruistically extending those gifts to abusers and bullies; until it was lingering enough and hairtrigger enough to reliably be there the next time they did something shitty enough, so that I could seize the opportunity to over-retaliate badly enough to emotionally scar into them that it will never be safe to do that again.

I wish I could put all this into the "weaponized" part of the "weaponized cognition" term, when it applies to so much of you that you can be said to be a weaponized human. This. This, thiiiis is what it means to be weaponized as a whole.

To spend entire days tensely bouncing like a wound spring - getting overwound and popping to relieve that, over and over. All because at the start of your day you got exposed to the wrong situation or anecdote from a life somewhere in this world, and your best-trained coping skill is to keep predicting and being ready to pounce onto every possible upcoming offramp to saying "unacceptable / never again" in the language of hurt and violence. To eventually realize that your brain and body have deeply learned that the only path to relief, and one of the most emotionally fulfilling things you could do with your life in general, is to hurt and harm the people who do the bad thing you're triggered about, in ways that reliably make them either choose to stop or unable to continue. To have all the self-care of a particularly intelligent missile or land-mine, because that is the most salient part of "weapon" here. To have to learn to value and actually act and think in ways that care for your own wellbeing and outcomes more than the trauma-etched prime directive to do maximum materially effective damage to the people you've very rightly deemed intolerably dangerous or harmful.

I crave violently breaking doers of acts I find vile almost like some rape victims crave getting raped again. That is the right and necessary analogy, I can use no analogy gentler on your feelings or on your discomfort with ugly truths, no analogy safer to put out there, because neurologically it is by far the most relevantly similar thing. Life-changing emotional experience, locked in by some deep brain mechanism as a thing to go back to, at the peak of adrenaline and trauma... just I was game-changingly hurting the bad person in my situation rather than being hurt by one.

This will be my last and only post that's so viscerally uncouth and negative on this topic, particularly that last analogy. But the world needs this said more.

[christmasintheloonybin]

imagine having friends. I'm so lonesome it's unreal. but like everything there are multiple sides, or levels I mean, they're all true at the same time.

on one hand, it's simply my personal failure. if i really wanted to, I could go out into the world and find a small group to spend time with. but really, I don't want this. there's a kind of groupthink I've noticed that happens when there are more than three people or so in a conversation. where everyone sort of evens themselves out. I mean, normalizes. and people just have an instinct for this i guess, no contentious subject matter, they laugh at the jokes, tell lies and all this. it's strange I find it very distasteful. and when I'm in a group like this I can either act the way that I am, as I would act around any other person or group, or keep my mouth shut. I don't really have a lack of self confidence or an excessive amount, I feel like if you just know me from my posts maybe you think I'm kind of a puffed up tough guy, I'm not i know my weaknesses and I understand why some people wouldn't like me, but at the same time I know my worth or something like this. I don't want to be around people who don't appreciate me. and with this groupthink mindset, any individuality is stifled or erased, I don't want to be the star but I'm going to say what I want to say and if I can only do this in one on one conversations then this is what I'll stick to. I have no desire to just be a guy who's there. and this is what groups do, you're reduced to a person filling space, and oh, maybe you can "get to know each other" and "open up" I'm an open book, really, all you have to do is ask. in public whatever I'm talking about. well. the things I talk about. anyways, it doesn't really matter how interesting or smart or whatever a person is, and this is another problem I have. when you have friends, you're bound to have to deal with, at best, people who are not perfect for you. in a way I find this somewhat unacceptable. I've found people who are perfect for me but only online, I think maybe if I hadn't done this I would be more ready to settle. but you spend day in day out with someone... I just can't bear to explain myself and can't help but feel like I'm wasting my time. plus most people are just unbelievably irritating. I don't even know necessarily what I want, and anyways, even my dear friends are second to whoever my bpd brain locks in on. I mean if i have someone this is my life, not even romantic every time just a person in my life who I really like. everything else is secondary. so I wouldn't be very good at maintaining friendships anyways. plus the memes like "sorry for not responding, I've been depressed but still like you 😜" this is lies, if I'm depressed a message from a dear friend is what I want more than anything, I will reply right away, even just to say "you mean a lot to me but I cannot form a sentence" and then stare at the ceiling. I mean to say I really believe most interpersonal relationships for most people are not real, you just collect random people to avoid being lonely. I do not want this at all. I'd honestly rather be alone and enjoy the peace and quiet. and before that I'd rather have close friends I care for.

ugh.

[leviathans-watching]

chaos causer | chapter 1

includes: mammon x gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned)

wc: 2.5k | rated t | m.list | series m.list | ao3

a/n: welcome to the first chapter of chaos causer!! there will be four total chapters that are all already written and one will be posted every three days. to be added to the taglist, click here, and to see links to the original craigslist ad, the series summary, & the full list of tags, click here.

prev | next

please reblog!!

I should switch to eBay, Mammon thinks as he scrolls past the tenth unappealing ad in as many minutes. Why he's even using a human site like Craigslist is beyond him, but hey, you never know when you’ll find a gem. He doesn't sell on it, preferring to stick to Devildom-centered marketplaces, but he has no qualms when buying. Humans generally have crap and junk listed, but sometimes there will be something that appeals to him, something new to add to his collection. 

An ad title catches his attention and he clicks on it with an amused huff. What could this be? 

Alone for the holidays? Mad at your family? Hire me to ruin the night.

I am a human magic user that has recently had a lot of time open up to me with nothing to fill it. Why not use this time in a meaningful way? I asked myself, before dismissing the idea. I’m a young adult willing to pretend to be your date for any holiday dinner or party.

Thanks to my magic, I can play any age, except child (for obvious reasons), and have no problem changing my appearance as need be. I am a skilled actor and promise to sell my character well. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.

I revel in causing chaos and making things worse so I can and will do any of the following at your request: 

Start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion

Openly hit on other guests while you pretend to not notice/care

Propose to you in front of everyone

Pretend to be drunk/otherwise inebriated early on in the evening

Start an actual, physical (or magical!) fight with anyone in the family, either inside or outside of the house

Use the worst manners you’ve ever seen in your life

Be pretentious or pretend to be knowledgeable about something I clearly don’t understand

Never stop talking and overshare way too much

& other things along the same line

I require no payment aside from the free meal. This offer is available to anyone in any of the three realms, as I have experience dealing with an assortment of humans, angels, and demons. Do NOT contact me with unsolicited offers or services.

Text or call me with offers at [your number].

The ad has to be a joke. Has to be! Who would go out of their way to do such a thing, especially on a night meant for family and friends? And who would be crazy enough to hire someone to do such a thing? Mammon can’t wrap his mind around it. 

He reads it once more, this time pausing to imagine what it’d be like if he were to hire you to do something like you’re describing. He can’t deny the smile that grows on his face as he pictures it. Your profile picture looks deceptively normal, with you smiling at the camera, but something mischievous glimmers in your eyes that leaves him with no doubt that you’d be able to wreak havoc in a family if you so desired. 

And it sounded like you desired, judging by the ad. 

Shaking his head, Mammon shuts off his D.D.D., rolling off his bed. Even as he gets ready for the student council meeting Lucifer had made sure he knew about, your ad still lingers in his head, making it hard for him to focus. 

*

“Mammon,” Lucifer says from behind him, voice ice cold. Mammon turns slowly, already dreading the inevitable lecture. How was he supposed to have known the guests they’d be hosting would be offended by his offer to trade valuables? It wasn’t like they had said they were important cultural items! And they were totally overreacting, they could have just said ‘no thanks’ instead of blowing it all out of proportion!

“What’s up, Lucifer?” 

“Your behavior this afternoon was entirely unacceptable,” Lucifer snaps. “You just ruined decades of diplomatic work in a singular meeting! How someone manages to do such a thing is completely beyond me.” 

“It wasn’t-” Mammon tries, but Lucifer cuts him off, eyes glowing red.

“I don’t want to hear any excuses,” he says firmly. “I am most disappointed in you. Diavolo has spent far too much time and effort on securing alliances and relationships for you to be so careless. It's like you don’t even care about the fate of this realm. Classic Mammon,” he continues, more to himself than to Mammon, “too self-centered to think of anyone but yourself.”

“Hey!” Mammon protests. “I was tryin’ to be welcoming! Trades are an essential part of any deal and I thought maybe they’d like it if they came outta this with some bonafide Devildom treasures! They shoulda been honored I was willin’ to trade with them.” 

“Don’t lie to me.” Lucifer rubs at his temples. “You were just being greedy, once again. Honestly, Mammon. I have no idea as to why you have such a hard time with your sin. The rest of us are all afflicted by such things as well and we never cause scenes like you do.” 

The shot stings, and he has no retort prepared. Why is he constantly in trouble for his sin when the rest of them can do as they please with it and have no one give a damn? Why is it natural for them to indulge but selfish and bad when he does it? And bullshit, ‘no one else causes scenes’! He can think up at least five scandals caused by his brothers in the last month! 

“I have half a mind to banish you from the council altogether,” Lucifer says, and ice runs through Mammon’s veins. He wouldn’t do that, would he? “Diavolo already has enough on his plate without you causing trouble. Honestly, you’re lucky he’s so kind. If I were in his place, I would not stand for one fraction of the insolence and disrespect you show to him.”

Mammon’s hands clench into fists. So Lucifer cares more for Diavolo than he does his own brother? The realization, while not surprising, is still disappointing. His brothers all think of him as Lucifer does, don’t they? Scummy and troublesome and not worth the time. Anger - it’s anger, Mammon tells himself - stings in the back of his eyes. 

They think he’s that bad, do they? Your ad swims to the front of his thoughts, clear and descriptive. Maybe he’ll just have to prove them right, once and for all.

*

Mammon makes plans to meet you in a small coffee shop in your town. It’s probably easier for him to travel to you than for you to travel to him. When he gets there, you already have a drink, picking at the edges of the cardboard sleeve around the cup. Again, you look deceptively normal, but when he sits, the smile you give him is nothing short of impish. You slide him a drink that had gone previously unnoticed, and he accepts it gratefully.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Mammon says, a little nervously. 

“Thanks for replying to my ad,” you return, brushing the cardboard flakes onto the floor subtly. “I was beginning to think no one would.” 

“I thought it was a joke, at first,” confesses Mammon. “Honestly, I still kinda do.” 

Your smile turns rueful. “No joke, I promise. So, want to tell me about your family?” 

Mammon struggles to find a place to start. “Well, we’re a pretty affluent family down in the Devildom. My brother is close to the Demon Lord’s son, Diavolo, and he’s pretty high-strung, so any time I’m out of line, it's treated as a grave offense.” 

“That sounds tough,” you say sympathetically, and even though he has just met you, his chest warms a little at your understanding. How it that you, a stranger, supports him more than his own brothers do?

“Believe me. My other brothers are annoying too, though he’s the worst. Recently, we got into a spat where he basically told me he thinks I’m the worst outta all of them. He gets on me for things that he lets slide with them and constantly is in my business because he thinks he knows best. It’s really annoying. My other brothers poke fun at me and just get on my nerves, as they make jokes about my intelligence and other things that I can’t control. I’m pretty sick of it, so when I saw your ad it made me want to prove them all right, in a vindictive sort of way.” 

He fears, for a moment, that you’re going to try to talk him out of it, or say he’s overacting, or something, something that will destroy what little composure he has left, but you just nod, pursing your lips. 

“Well, I can definitely help.” You grin, suddenly, light dancing in your eyes. “You’ve come to the right place. Want to tell me more about the dinner itself and each of the brothers I’ll be dealing with and what my approach should be? I find it easiest when I do it with as much knowledge as possible.” 

“You’ve done this before?” 

“Not this situation, exactly, but similar stuff, yeah,” you say with a shrug, as if it’s not the most mindboggling Mammon has ever heard. 

“Huh.” Mammon pauses to take a sip of his drink. It’s not something he would have ordered for himself, but you bought it for him, so he’s definitely not going to say anything. “Well, the night starts off at my house, usually. We all hang out there for a while, which is where I’d introduce you and everythin’, then we head over to Diavolo’s place, where we eat and make polite conversation and all that jazz. It's not a fancy event, per se, but you definitely don’t show up in jeans.” 

“Is that something you want me to do?” you ask. “Show up horribly underdressed?” 

Mammon can’t deny that would be funny. “I’m not sure yet. But that would set a good tone for the evening.” 

“Let me know either way,” you say, and Mammon continues on with his explanation. 

“Okay, so first is Lucifer,” Mammon sighs. “He’s my older brother and the one I always get into fights with.” 

“Wait,” you interrupt, “like Lucifer, Avatar of Pride? Oh shit,” you say when he nods, “so you’re Mammon, Avatar of Greed?” 

“Uh, yeah?” Mammon raises an eyebrow. “Is that an issue?” 

“No, no,” you say hastily, waving your hands. “You said affluent, but I didn’t know you meant that affluent.” At his mystified expression, you clarify. “Your family is kind of a big deal to us humans. You’re like, the demonic version of the Kardashians.” This doesn’t help him, so you just wave your hand. “Never mind. No, it’s not going to be an issue, it just surprised me.” 

“Okay,” Mammon says slowly. “Anyway, he can be a real asshole. He’s got a big stick up his ass and makes it his mission to let everyone know. And then Levi, one of my younger brothers - I’m the second oldest, by the way - uh, he teases me when he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on, so it gets on my nerves. He’s an otaku and pretty antisocial. Then there’s Satan. He’s got more beef with Lucifer than I do, which is saying something, and he can be a real dick. Thinks he’s better than everyone, especially me.” He continues explaining the rest of his brothers, then adds on where you probe. 

“Okay, now that I have a good idea of who you all are,” you say, clasping your hands, “what kind of shit do you want me to pull. I’ve pretended to be an asshole but only where my ‘partner’ couldn’t see, but I’ve also done shit right in front of them before. Depends on what the person wants.” 

Mammon thinks for a moment. “Right in front of me, but I’ll pretend to be so smitten that I don’t notice. And as far as the stuff on your ad goes, feel free to do any and all of it. Wherever you see an opening, try to cause some trouble. You mentioned in your ad you can use magic?” 

“I can.” Pride is evident in your voice. “I’ve got a sorcerer's license and everything. I’m proficient in many different areas, including dueling, which is why I’d be willing to get into a magic-based fight, and I have experience in most types of spells, charms, and curses.” 

“Impressive,” Mammon murmurs. He’s not going to encourage you to get into a magic-based fight, not against his brothers, since that’d be horribly unfair to you, but it’s helpful to know. “We’ll see where the night takes us on that. For now, just plan on being a complete and utter menace.” 

“Got it.” Again, that sly mischief is in your eyes, and it sends electricity down his spine. “I swear I’ll do my best to do my worst.” 

Mammon snorts. “That’s all I ask. And as for payment, I know you said only dinner but are you sure you don’t want any other compensation? I feel bad, puttin’ you through this and you getting nothing in return.” 

“No, but thank you. Seeing everyone’s faces is its own reward,” you say. “And if we’re eating at the Demon Lords’ castle, then I at least know I’m eating good. So really, don’t worry about it.” 

“If you’re sure.” Mammon’s still dubious, but he’s not going to push. “Hey, feel free not to answer this, but why put that ad up in the first place? Isn’t there someone you could be celebrating with instead?” You get a funny look on your face, and Mammon suddenly feels bad for asking. He’s not prone to regret, and the feeling sits heavy in his stomach. “Ah, I’m sorry,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “That was awfully invasive of me.”

“It’s fine,” you interrupt softly. “It’s only natural to be curious. And to answer your question, not really. I have friends, of course, but I don’t wish to intrude on their holidays, and my family, well. Let’s just say they’re not a viable option.” You laugh, but it’s decidedly less mirthful than before. “I figured at least this way I’d get some fun and a good meal. Do something I enjoy rather than feeling sorry for myself.” 

“Oh,” Mammon says after a moment. “Well, like you said, the food will definitely be good, and if you don’t get at least a little bit of fun out of it, well, then, we did something wrong.” 

“I’ll remember that,” you say, some of your spark returning. “If there’s anything else you think I should do, or if you have any other ideas, text me.” He already had your number from setting up this meeting. “And if not, then I look forward to seeing you next week.” 

Because, yep, the dinner was next week. How Mammon would survive until then, he didn’t know, but excitement already crackled under his skin.

leviathans-watching's work - please do not copy, repost, or claim as your own

[belphies-cuhm-sluht]

Hey! I read for dad! Lucifer post and seeing that your requests were open I wanted to know if I could ask for a second part to it, maybe how things evolve between Lucifer and his child and your relationship?

If not, could I request a similar scenario (the dad angst) with Mammon? Thanks a lot!

Much Better Off (Dad!Mammon x F!Reader)

A/N : Wew boy, at this point the only brother's who haven't been made into shitty angsty dads are Leviathan, Satan, and Beel (who already has a dad!fic I just can't make him an asshole... I just can't see it, he's a teddy bear, he would never do anything to hurt MC) Word Count : 3K Warnings : pregnancy; maternity; children; babies; child birth; labor; angst

Mammon would do anything for you, that much was made very clear. He loved you wholeheartedly, he was devoted to you, he was the perfect boyfriend all around. That’s why you weren’t worried, you felt like you didn’t have to be worried, you assumed that he would be there with you, for you, standing right beside you as you both went through this together. Who would have thought that this was the one thing that he didn’t want to take part in with you? Not you…

“Are ya kiddin’ me!? I ain’t ready for a damn kid! Look at me!” He shouted as you sat on the edge of his bed, twirling your fingers as you waited for him to stop ranting. The worst part was that you hadn’t even told him the news, you had just asked him how he felt about having a child together. Seeing his reaction made you want to turn, walk out now before he got any more upset than he already was. “Why’re ya askin’ anyways? We don’t need no kid, we got each other. How we gonna do anything with some baby screamin’ and cryin’ all the time? Gotta think about these things babe.” Your lip quivered as you continued to listen to him, his stance on the situation already clear to you before you had told him anything at all. The sight of you on the verge of crying made him shut up, cocking his head to the side as he studied your expression. “What’sa matter? Why’re ya cryin’?” “Whatever, Mammon. Just leave me alone. You think you can do that?” You snapped at him, quickly wiping your eyes with the back of your sleeve as you got up from the bed, walking to the door as he watched, clearly confused and unable to think of a time when you had snapped at him, let alone told him to leave you alone. He didn’t get it, and he didn’t think that he had said anything wrong. Asking him how he felt about having a kid was a silly question, especially considering who he was. Did you really think he’d be able to put his money towards some infant? It was hard enough already to share his money with you. You walked into your room, staring at the little white stick that laid on your desk, the two pink lines that had sparked joy in you only moments ago now felt like two walls, and they were closing in on you much too fast. “I’m sorry…” You mumbled, unsure of who you were even saying it to, but it seemed like the right thing to say. Sorry to yourself for believing that Mammon was capable of actually growing up, of taking responsibility. Sorry to Mammon for having that much hope in him, for almost placing so much responsibility on the shoulders of someone who couldn’t even zip up his pants without getting his dick caught in the zipper on the first try. But most of all, sorry to the child that you were carrying who had an absolute imbecile as a father and a mother with poor judgement for even thinking that he would potentially make a good father.

Mammon stood outside your bedroom door, his hand raised as he wondered whether he should knock or just walk right in. Surely you’d be pissed at him either way, but he heard the soft sounds of your breathing and he knew that you were sleeping. He should have walked away, he should have waited for you to wake up so he could actually talk to you, but he needed to know what was wrong, what the reason was for bringing up a child, and he hoped that he’d find the answers somewhere in your room. He opened the door carefully, making sure the hinges didn’t squeak or squeal to alert you that he was there. Seeing you curled up on the bed, holding tightly onto your pillow with the blankets wrapped around you, it hurt just a little. You should be holding onto him like that. You would have been holding onto him like that if you hadn’t walked out the way you did. He sighed quietly, turning away from your sleeping form on the bed to go back to searching, his eyes going straight to your desk. There could be something in your notebooks, or maybe in your bag. He wasn’t against going through people's things, it just felt strange to do it when they were in the room. Before he could even start flipping through the pages of your books though, his eyes focused on the little white stick. He didn’t know what it was, he had never seen anything like it before. “What the…?” He clicked his tongue, studying the stick for a little bit more before shoving it in his pocket and leaving your room. He may not know what it is, but surely one of his brothers would know, and the main brother he was thinking of was right down the hall, most likely with his face stuck between the pages of a book. “Hey! D’ya know what this is?” Mammon asked, walking into Satan’s room unannounced as usual, grabbing the stick out of his pocket and holding it up in front of his brother's face. He didn’t understand why Satan looked so disgusted, or why he smacked the stick away and out of his hand. “Jeesh… I was jus’ askin’. What’s yer problem anyway?” He mumbled, bending down to pick the stick up off the floor and shoving it back into his pocket. Satan looked on at his brother incredulously, like he was looking at the biggest idiot in the entire universe, and he was pretty sure that he actually was looking at the biggest idiot in the universe. “You don’t know what that is? At all? What’s it like being so clueless all the time?” Mammon didn’t have time for his little brother’s ridicule or mocking, he just needed to know what the stick was, it might give him some answers as to why you’re so upset. He stood there staring at Satan, his hands on his hips as he waited for a real answer. “It’s a pregnancy test, you dunce! How do you not know that?” Satan groaned, flipping his book open once more, only for Mammon to drop the test between the pages, looking down at his brother with wide eyes. “What’s it sayin’?” He whispered, almost too scared to ask too loudly. He didn’t want any of the other brothers to hear him, he didn’t need them to know. He didn’t want Satan to know either, but he was the smartest brother in the house aside from Lucifer, he was just too scared of how Lucifer would react. “She’s pregnant. Congratulations. Can I get back to my book now?”

The news was out, and you didn’t know if it was relieving that you didn’t have to tell him yourself or if you were more pissed than anything that he had gone into your room and snooped through your things without you knowing. “So when was ya gonna tell me, huh?! Or did ya jus’ plan on hidin’ it till the kid popped out? Betcha was gonna try’na surprise me… Well now ya know… I don’t like them kinda surprises! I don’t want no kids!” He had stormed into your room screaming it, out the window with his plan of keeping it a secret from his brothers. They had all gathered around the door to listen to the fool and watch as he made a scene. You watched on in complete disbelief, holding your pillow tighter against your body as he continued ranting and raving. “All yer fault too! Ya got all jealous ‘cause the ‘ttention I was gettin’ so ya try tah ruin my modelin’, tie me down with some kid that I ain’t want. Who’s the stupid one now? Huh?!” You were on the verge of tears, bringing the pillow up to your face to hide behind it as he continued spewing whatever nonsense his brain could come up with, anything to shift the blame off of himself. “Mammon!” Lucifer’s voice rang loud as he pushed through the crowd of brother’s that had all been looking on in shock. “All of you, back to your rooms. Now!” No one dared to go against him, not even Satan and Belphegor, they all scurried away, but you didn’t doubt for a second that they would be listening from the doors of their rooms, waiting to see what kind of punishment Mammon would get for not only talking to you that way, but also getting you pregnant. “Down to my office.” His voice was stern, he wasn’t messing around. For once, Mammon stood up to Lucifer. He was on a power trip after yelling at you that way, and there was no end in sight. “No. I’m gettin’ outta here. I ain’t lettin’ no human hold me back, and I ain’t lettin’ no human kid hold me back or take my money. The Great Mammon is leavin’, and I don’t want no one ta follow me either.” He strode out of the room, his head held high as if saying all of that made him feel more powerful than ever. Maybe it did, maybe he got a rise out of it, you weren’t sure. Hell, you weren’t sure of anything anymore. “Y/N, are you alright? Do you need anything?” You could tell that Lucifer was enraged. The way Mammon had spoken to you and him was unacceptable on every level, but with Mammon gone, you had become his priority, the center of attention. He smiled weakly to you, walking over to sit on the edge of your bed as he awkwardly patted your legs through the blanket. “Are you thirsty? Do you need anything to eat?” You could tell that he wasn’t good at this. Comforting others wasn’t his forte, but he was trying his best, and it was appreciated. “Tissues?” You said weakly, finally letting the pillow fall away from your face. Your eyes were puffy and red from crying and repeatedly wiping them against the pillowcase. Your nose was just as red from sniffling so much and Lucifer pitied you. He knew that this wasn’t entirely your doing, Mammon was just being an asshole and trying to find a way out of any responsibility, as he always did. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, handing it to you with a soft smile, but you were a little confused. Why was he being so nice? “Aren’t you mad at me too?” Lucifer chuckled, reaching out to pat your head softly before standing up again. “Mammon is an idiot, but he somehow has charm. Humans cannot deny him, try as they might, and you were no exception to that charm. He wasn’t careful, which is the case with most things that he is involved with. You didn’t know that something like this could happen, you most likely didn’t believe that it could, but he knew, and he didn’t care. Such are Mammon’s mistakes.” He sighed heavily, grabbing the pillow that you had dropped and placing it behind your head again. “You need to relax, be calm. I’ll bring you some tea and soup. How does that sound?” You nodded slowly, relaxing against the pillow as you dabbed away the tears that had begun to fall. It was strange that Lucifer was

acting this way, you weren’t used to him seeming like he cared, but it was welcomed and much needed.

Mammon rarely ever came back to the house after he left, only dropping by to pick up clothes or random items that he might have left behind, but he never looked at you or talked to you. He never asked about the child that was on the verge of busting out any day now, he didn’t even ask his brothers how you were doing or how you were feeling, never asking if you needed help. He didn’t care, he never cared. “Y/N, how are you feeling today?” Lucifer asked as he walked into your room. It was something that you had now gotten used to, his constant appearances to make sure that you and his brother's child were healthy and well rested. He had, in a sense, taken over, not wanting to leave you to go through this kind of thing on your own. “You’re very close to the delivery and you haven’t gotten a crib or bassinet yet? Is she going to be sleeping on the floor?” He asked, looking around the room. You giggled lightly, shaking your head as you watched him walk further in. “I’m feeling good, thank you. And no… no crib or bassinet. I was thinking she could sleep in the bed with me.” You mused, rubbing your hand over your swollen stomach and feeling your daughter kick against your touch. “A lot of parents do that so they don’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night. At least until she’s old enough to sleep on her own.” You shifted, swinging your feet over the side of the bed and quickly walked over to help you up, tsking his tongue at you. “If you spoil her from the moment she comes out, she’ll never willingly sleep on her own. I’ll order one from Akuzon and have it shipped here, don’t worry.” You rolled your eyes at Lucifer, patting the side of your bed, motioning for him to sit down. “What is it? Contractions? Do you need me to hold your hand?” He was taking this so seriously, you still weren’t sure whether to be shocked or happy that he had stepped in when Mammon had walked out. He sat down, grabbing your hand before you had even told him what you needed, brushing his thumb along your knuckles. You bit your lip, looking down at your hands and then back up at him, letting out a small giggle. “I was actually just thinking that you’ve done so much… And I’m not even sure why… But you’ve never actually felt her kick. Do you want to? She’s moving around a lot this morning, I think she’s trying to get out.” You pursed your lips, watching for his expression. You could tell he was thinking, his eyes landing on your stomach as he watched the little waves that your daughter made beneath your skin. It was oddly satisfying to watch, and he had been wondering what it would feel like, so he slowly reached his other hand out to place on top of your stomach right before she kicked again. “Does it hurt?” He wasn’t exactly asking you, more so asking himself as she continued kicking against him which had a small smile forming at his lips. “She’s definitely trying to get out… I should order that bassinet now. I don’t think she’ll be in there much longer.” He quickly got up, standing straight as he smiled kind of awkwardly down at you. “Let me know if you need anything while I’m gone.”

Lucifer was right. Your daughter decided that she wanted out that night, and he was with you the entire time. He never left your side at the hospital, and he had even been the first one to hold her, placing his finger in the palm of her tiny hand for her to wrap her fingers around. “Let’s just hope you’re nothing like your father…” He whispered before handing her off to you, leaning in to kiss the top of your head as he brushed the hair out of your face. “You did wonderfully, Y/N. I’m so very proud of you.” Going back home was nice, all of the brothers were standing in the entryway waiting for you. They were all lined up, waiting to hug you and extend their congratulations before all getting a look at your daughter who Lucifer held close to his chest. If none of them had heard Mammon’s outburst at the beginning of your pregnancy, they all would have assumed that she was Lucifer’s based on the way he looked at her alone. With all the excitement and everything that was going on, you hadn’t even noticed Mammon who was standing next to the stairs, his eyes focused on Lucifer, but you couldn’t read his expression, not clearly. “So yer back home…” He muttered, finally stepping forward. “And ya brought the kid with ya…” You heard Lucifer growl quietly, not even realizing how close he had gotten until you turned around and saw him standing right behind you. Mammon’s eyes squinted as he looked between you and Lucifer before he started laughing loudly, waking up your daughter who had been sleeping peacefully in Lucifer’s arms. “Oh! Don’t tell me, Lucifer… yer datin’ my girl now… and ya tryin’ ta play dad ta my kid. Is that what this is?” What you weren’t expecting was to feel one of Lucifer’s arms wrap around you, pulling you a little closer to him, still growling, but much more quietly. “That’s exactly what this is. Except I’m not playing anything, I’m sure the child will be much better off with a more responsible father such as myself. Anyway, thank you for dropping by, have a great night.” Your eyes went wide as you turned to look back at the oldest brother. Was that what this was? You hadn’t even known… but… he was so good to you, and you could already see how good he was with your daughter… When was he planning on actually telling you though? He smiled down at you, rolling his eyes as he leaned down to kiss you, and you could barely hear Mammon’s gasp over your own. “I’m sorry, dear. I had a much better speech prepared for this, but as per usual, Mammon ruined it.” He brushed his thumb across your bottom lip before handing you your daughter. “I’ll be right up, I just want to show Mammon out the door this time.”

[glowingbadger]

Can I get a nsfw fic for Diluc where he and reader are vigilantes together? I feel like that would be hot af.

Oh-ho~ what a delightful concept, Friend Anon.

I feel like I've barely had time for fic-style stuff rather than headcanon stuff lately, so forgive me if this is like... idk.. less good xD I hope it's good idk agopwgj

Side note, y'all Genshin people tend to blow up my page every time I post something in this fandom but I get SO few actual requests for it, wtf is up with that

Diluc x GN Reader - vigilantes

NSFW 18+

There aren't many of your typical "dark back alleys" in Mondstadt, but they are there if you go looking for them. If you do, you're sure to make some friends and acquaintances of the sort who also go looking for such tucked away places. And tonight, you're expecting a meeting with a coworker.

You've been tracking a particular Treasure Hoarder for weeks now. He's a cut-throat sort, in that he literally cuts throats, and quite gleefully at that. He's scum, but he's a valuable asset. He's the only Treasure Hoarder idiotic and brave enough to have set foot inside of Mondstadt's walls as of late, and you're not about to lose the opportunity to track him back to his hive. And it shouldn't be too difficult to do so- as long as a certain "Darknight Hero" doesn't decide to step in.

Somehow, you have a feeling he will.

And as you crouch atop the sloping roof of a typical Mondstadt residence, observing your pet rat scurrying through alleyways he clearly doesn't know as well as he ought to by now, you glimpse a familiar flash of red. Moving as quickly as one can with a sword that matches his height while retaining some measure of stealth, Diluc clearly has your subject in his sights. You barely contain a sigh, your brow lowered in flat exasperation.

You'll have to act quickly- Diluc is rapidly closing in on your only source of intel, blade at the ready and eyes devoid of mercy. Never taking your eyes from his dark silhouette in the alley below, you gracefully maneuver from the roof to a nearby balcony banister, then down a railing. Your feet meet the stone pavement silently just as muscles flex and the greatsword hefts into the air above a fiery mane of hair. Without a sound, you draw your own blade and press it firmly to Diluc's throat. He hesitates for just a moment, his surprise causing his footing to waver for the instant you need to tug him back against the wall.

"You-" he hisses with fury in his eyes, "What are you doing?!"

"Keeping you from killing my only lead!" you shout-whisper back to him as the Treasure Hoarder slides around the corner and into the open streets. He's a lost cause now- acting out in the open would draw unacceptable attention to both you and Diluc. For now, the edge of your sword indents his skin, emphasizing the unfortunately seductive sight of his adams apple bobbing as he swallows hard.

"He's a killer." he spits out bitterly.

"Yes," you reply, "And so are all of his friends. And the only way to snuff them all out is to let him live- for now."

His weapon vanishes for the time being, but you know his strength well enough to know that this does not make him 'unarmed.'

"Go join the Knights if you enjoy wasting time so much."

"Oh, perhaps I should," you say, "It was a Knight who gave me the intel to track this target, after all," the playful lilt in your voice guides him to the exact conclusion you want him to reach. What you don't expect is for Diluc to use his considerable strength to spin you back against the wall, jostling your sword from your hand and swapping your positions, with your wrists now pinned to the plaster behind you. You're startled for a moment- but not so much so that you miss the way his eyes scan your body before him.

"It was a strutting peacock that needs its beak removed, more like," he says, his voice low as he looms over you. Your bodies are so close, the space between you seems charged with electricity.

"Is that a touch of jealousy I hear?"

"You're infuriating," he gives this utter non-answer just before his lips reach yours. His kiss is deep and intense from the start, pressing you to the wall as his tongue thrusts into your mouth.

This has always been your favorite way to vent your mutual frustration. There's something about each of you that only the other knows; a part of you both that only the two of you have access to. Those cordoned off sections of your hearts instinctively reach toward one another, binding you and the Darknight Hero together despite all of the myriad ways you find yourselves at odds. Adrenaline and emotion drives your bodies together, and your pulse pounds as his tongue wrestles yours and the warmth of his body catches yours on fire.

You do your best to keep up with Diluc's frenzied need, parted lips working rhythmically against his, yet you can feel the rush of arousal through your body and the fight leaves you almost instantly. In one final act of provocation, you urge your thigh between his, rubbing it gently against the growing heat you feel there. His cock twitches with interest, hardening against the front of his pants. Diluc groans into your kiss, his hands releasing yours to travel down the contours of your sides.

When those strong hands reach your backside, they shamelessly grab at your curves, pulling you firmly against him and encouraging your thighs around his hips. Your feet are barely touching the ground anymore, and you can feel his growing cock grinding into your heat. His impatience is as evident in his touch as it's always been in his fighting style; though, the difference is that now, you're happy to match his pace. Thoroughly trapped between his body and the wall, your hands run across his chest, happily indulging in the plains of muscle beneath conservative clothing.

Then, you nip at his bottom lip, dragging it between your teeth and revelling in the husky groan this pulls from him. His hips sway against you, rubbing the head of his now rock-hard member against you. Quite suddenly, his hands leave your body, then instead, cup both sides of your face. Diluc holds you in place as he kisses you so hard and deep that your legs tremble and you worry your knees may give. And at last, the airy moan you offer him in reply seems to break the last of his restraint.

"Towards the wall," his urgent whisper grazes your skin, and it's all you can do to keep from moaning at the intoxicating, masculine tenor of his voice. Instead, you obey him, turning to the wall, only to feel him pinning you once more from behind. His lips are at your ear, his tongue tracing its curve, until he says softly,

"Truly a shame you can't always be this cooperative."

"I- I'm very cooperative when it gets me what I want..." you half-moan as his lips press heated kisses down the side of your neck. His fevered touch is everywhere, running up your sides to caress your chest, fingers briefly circling your nipples and causing you to arch against him.

"One day I'll make you beg for it." he muses softly, less like any 'dirty talk' you've ever heard, and far more like he's scolding you. Either way, it sends a hot wave of arousal plunging to your core. With a soft whimper, you urge your ass back against him, grinding onto the stiff length of his cock. Tonight won't be the night you beg, but you do need to show him how badly you want him- and he graciously complies.

Diluc's thumbs hook into the hem of your breeches and tug them down over the curve of your ass. Despite his own wants and needs, he does pause to appreciate the sight of you offering yourself to him, lower body exposed and face flushed when you glance over your shoulder at him. A single large hand runs over your backside, cupping and grabbing at it idly, enjoying the sight of your flesh over-filling his grip. Then, with a low hum, his eyes meet yours as he opens the front of his trousers and reveals his thick, twitching manhood to you. It's dark and veined, a powerful, masculine member that practically makes your mouth water- and you can't stifle an eager whine as he positions himself behind you once more.

The warm head of his cock presses to your greedy little hole, and Diluc wastes no time pushing himself steadily into you. With each inch, he splits you open around him, and your body tenses and arches against his strong frame.

"Diluc..!" you gasp out the moment he's buried into you to the base and his tip hits your core. Sometimes you think you'll never truly be accustomed to how fully he fills you.

"Quiet," he whispers harshly, though the way the full length of his cock swells at your cry tells him he quite enjoys hearing you. Yet as his hips begin to move and the veins and contours of his cock grind against your inner walls, it becomes harder and harder to keep your voice down. He feels too incredible, reaches too deep, stretches you out so nicely around him until you fit him perfectly. Your entire body burns, and you cling to the wall in front of you to take some of the strain off of your trembling legs. Before long, you're gasping and panting for him as he bucks into you, the head of his cock dragging against some indescribably wonderful spot each time he thrusts forward.

"You're so... difficult..." he grumbles, and you hear him move, unsure of what he's doing until you feel his gloveless hand sliding fingers into your mouth. Your eyes roll back, your body clenches and squeezes around Diluc's shaft. Perhaps he'd only meant to keep you quiet, but the depravity of being fucked senseless by the most sought-after gentleman in Mondstadt in a back alley while being made to suck on his fingers is simply too erotic to withstand. Your lips and tongue worship those fingers as he pounds you against the wall, railing into your desperate body until the hot, winding knot of pleasure in your gut comes undone in a sudden, mind-numbing rush.

"Nngh- gods...!" even Diluc, with all of his strict self discipline, can't keep from groaning as your climax seizes you. He can feel your body tense and release, feel your inner walls tightening and gripping around him, clinging around his cock like you can't bear to be without it. He draws closer, his hard chest against your back, his head sinking down to the crook of your neck. His thrusts lose their timing, uneven and inelegant as he nears his own release.

You feel the sting of his teeth at your flesh. Diluc silences his own sounds of pleasure, burying his face at your neck and sucking a dark love-bite to your skin. But even this jolt of wonderful pain can't distract you from the way his cock flexes deep within you, swelling and straining out against your tight hole. Then, at last, his breath catches, and his cum begins to shoot out into you. The first impact causes you to whine around his fingers, which he punishes with a harsher bite at your shoulder muscle, even as he continues to fill you. Wild red hair brushes your face as you rally your strength to keep yourself in place for him and he fucks the remainder of his climax into your waiting body. For a moment, he holds within you. You each struggle to regain composure and steady your breathing- no easy feat when his manhood is stubbornly refusing to soften even the slightest bit. Then, with a barely restrained sigh, Diluc eases out of your spent hole.

His hand comes to rest on the wall in front of you, trapping you against his body for a moment longer. You have just enough room to move your hands to tug up your clothing and cover up, and he does the same with his free hand. But before releasing you, he places a lingering kiss to the spot just below where your jawline meets your ear. It's a surprisingly tender spot, and the soft warmth of his lips seems to spread across your skin from that point.

"Be safe getting home." he murmurs, and you find yourself wishing dearly that you could see his expression as he says it. Though, perhaps he fully intends to keep that image from you. Then, he straightens his posture, the cool night air filling the space where his body had warmed you.

"And next time," he adds, having regained his usual business-like tone, "Don't expect me to be so generous if you stand in my way."

[jamespotterthefirst]

Prologue (OHTY)

Open Heart: Third Year Rewrite

Book: Open Heart, Book 3 Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende) Words: 1K Premise: A new year, a new relationship, and a new Edenbrook. Will everything go as smoothly as they had planned?

Author’s Note: That summary sucks but this is my OHTY rewrite. I plan to make it dramatic. And angsty af. Here we go! Hope you like it. 

Prologue: His Beloved 

Caroline's eyes roamed the cavernous space, taking in the upgrades with something akin to wonder. Even from afar, he could see that sparkle in her eyes, the curiosity that was ever present whenever she beheld his newest innovation. It was enough to inspire anyone to conquer the world itself. 

Now more than ever, something burned in his stomach: The urge to hold her. The despair and rage at being unable to. 

As the seconds ticked by, his wife remained silent, nodding and humming here and there. Her soft, expressive brown eyes fell on the new kiosk at the reception desk and she quietly chuckled. A delicate, gloved hand hovered over the gleaming surface, almost as if she was afraid to touch it. 

“These are the same ones I suggested for the Princeton tech lab.” 

With the words, came a memory, unfurling before Leland's mind like a heavy mist. Their last trip to Paris, gazing at the Eiffel Tower from the patio of a small but elegant café. Caroline's hand in his from across the table as they talked about the Princeton project, her smile far more beautiful than the whole city in Springtime. 

“You thought of everything, my love.” Her eyes met his with such sadness, he was certain she remembered too. 

“We will be the prime research facility on the East Coast by the time we're done with the renovations,” he told her, willing her to understand he was doing everything to remedy their situation. 

At this, her smile turned genuine, shining with pride. “You're going to help so many people.”

Leland almost scoffed. He didn't give a damn about other people. 

Before he could blurt out the bitter words, however, Arthur, his driver, approached with a single nod at Caroline. She sighed, returning her gaze to Leland. 

“I must go if I am to board the train on time.”

“If you miss it, you can always just take the jet. It's much faster and comfortable anyway.”

Her soft laugh was the best thing he'd heard all day. 

“You know me, my love. I will enjoy the view of the countryside any opportunity I get.” And this time, when she paused, there was undeniable misery in the way her eyes shone. “Plus, you know I'm a nostalgic old woman. Train travel will always have a special place in my heart.”

They had met on a train for the first time many years ago. 

The words hurt more than the prospect of not seeing his wife for months. They had mutually decided that time in the serene seaside town of York would be beneficial for her. Rather, Caroline, unable to bear their forced distance much longer without breaking down into tears, decided this was the best temporary solution. 

“Shall I wait outside?” Arthur asked politely. 

With a start, Caroline seemed to wake from a reverie. “I'll be right out, Arthur.”

After the driver disappeared through the glass doors, Caroline turned to Leland, her body almost quivering with the restraint of keeping its distance. Instead of the customary kiss and hug goodbye, they simply gazed at one another, Caroline with palpable despair, Leland with renewed determination. 

“Goodbye, my love,” she murmured, the sound almost lost in the hubbub of the atrium. 

Leland heard it, though, as loud and final as the clashing of iron bells. 

“Goodbye, Caroline.”

Before long, she turned on her heel and walked out the doors with as much dignity as a broken heart allowed. 

Leland, meanwhile, remained fixed to the spot, watching her go. The pain of his own suffering was muted by the fierce rush of conviction. The determination to find a cure was the last tether holding him to sanity. 

Before he could move or even think about anything else, a note of delighted laughter echoed nearby. His eyes fell on a couple, traversing through the atrium hand in hand. The lively brunette gazed up at the tall and seemingly brooding man, her eyes sparkling with adoration. When the man finally submitted to her teasing , it was clear that he, too, was completely besotted by her. 

“... not a hospital. More like an Apple store,” she was saying. 

“What the hell is an Apple store?” 

“Oh, that's right. You're a sworn Android user, I forgot.”

Ethan Ramsey rolled his eyes. 

“They're phones, Lilac. The rivalry between the two is absurd when people use them equally to waste their lives away.”

This time, it was Lilac Allende who rolled her eyes, but not without a loving smile. “You're such a senior citizen sometimes.”

Ethan halted his steps at that proclamation, tugging at their joined hands and pulling her close to him. Lilac's small cry of surprise melted into one of knowing amusement under the intensity of his roguish smile. Without much preamble, he leaned in and whispered something that made her both blush and nod, impressed. 

“You're an incorrigible flirt, Ethan Ramsey,” she tried to admonish, but the effect was tarnished by how pleased she sounded. 

Ethan, undeterred, murmured something else into her ear. With a very serious expression, he pulled back to look into her face. There was no humor left in their expressions as they gazed at one another, only pure longing and affection. Then, he held the tip of her chin in gentle fingers, like the most delicate of songbirds, leaned in and kissed her. 

Leland glanced away, unwilling to accept there could be love and affection in the world. Teeth clenched, his eyes returned to the couple before he could avoid it. It was almost as if they were flaunting their romance for everyone, including Leland, to see. 

They couldn't do anything for Caroline and now they taunted him. 

The bitter burn of jealousy and rage pumped through his veins like a poison with every beat of his heart. 

That  the two doctors could touch and love so unabashedly was…unacceptable. 

“Have a good day,” Lilac whispered to her beloved before moving away. 

Their hands were still clasped and Ethan seemed unable to let her go. He tugged her again and Lilac looked at him curiously. The man looked on the verge of saying something, his throat working in the small pause. Then, appearing to change his mind, he kissed her forehead instead. 

Ethan Ramsey didn't have to say a goddamn thing for Leland to know. Leland had looked at his Caroline the same way before uttering the three words.

Love.

Ethan was in love with her. 

The solution struck Leland with such intensity that he remained immobile. It was so simple, he felt like a fool for not having thought of it before. At last, he knew of a surefire way to secure Caroline's cure. 

“Sir?” His assistant, Parker, enquired when Leland silently beckoned. 

“Have Ethan Ramsey meet me in my office this afternoon,” he commanded simply. “Make it clear the meeting is not optional.”

***

Author’s Note: The following chapters will be longer! I won’t have a posting schedule. I think I’ll just post these bad boys as they’re ready. Approximately weekly? Thank you so much for reading this far!

As a side note, this will be Ethan x MC centric. I will try to include other characters but I can’t promise you much. Also, I’ve kept some things from the original mess that is book 3, but the overall plot will differ. (Hey crazy idea but if any of my mutuals wants to write for other characters, hit me up?)

Chapter 1 coming soon!

*Tagging in a reblog*

[growup-thatbeautiful]

Clone Wars Character on TikTok

Anakin- Poor Anakin, man does not have a that many creative ideas, but his life and ideas are strange enough that he gets a lot of followers easily. He’s also almost constantly videoing things too, so he’s able to get real time. There are so so many videos showing the reactions that Obi-Wan has because of his dumbass plans.

Everyone, literally everyone, thought he was an f-boy until he made a post, super confused, saying that he has a wife?? That he loves so much? So, coincidentally, the next videos he posts are him and his wife, who doesn’t show her face but there’s a poll going on about who it is. Most people have figured it, though, because some of his videos are him just listening to Mrs. Skywalker rant about people in the Senate when she comes home to him.

He also tries to convince everyone that he’s the best husband in the world by videoing himself cooking her dinner, which he always burns. In those videos, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, staples on Anakin’s account, are heard in the background giving him absolutely terrible advice on how to fix it. They usually end up with burnt pans and a whole bunch of frantic clips of Obi-Wan trying to turn off the oven, “My dear, your time is up.” And Anakin in the background “Force, that’s not going to kriffing work, Master. I’m coming in with the water gun.” (No one questions why there’s a water gun.) Ahsoka is just….chilling in the background. She’s just as clueless as the rest of them, but it’s funnier to watch them almost burn down Padame’s kitchen before she tries to step in and make things worse.

Ahsoka-Her feed is a more controlled chaos than Anakin’s, but chaos nonetheless. She does a lot of dance challenges with Fives, and is sometimes able to rope in Anakin, who tries really hard but is terrible at it, and Rex, who doesn’t actually dance and just stands there staring at the camera. There was one time she got Obi-Wan to do it with her, and he absolutely crushed it. All that grace has to help him somewhere else, right? Because she does dance videos, though, sometimes she get inappropriate comments or duets, which Rex, Obi-Wan, Plo, Fives, and Anakin all duet or make a video about explaining that she’s a minor and how unacceptable this is. Well, that’s what every but Rex does. Rex won’t let anyone, anyone, talk to his little sister like that, so he makes a super menacing video of him cleaning his guns.

Needless to say, she does a lot of videos with Rex. They do a lot of random videos of their conversations and pointless arguments. They also do so a lot of competitions with each other, rather it’s staring contests or sparring matches. Their sparring match videos are actually super popular, and they get more and more intense and complicated as they go on. There are never any weapons involved, but they get to show off combat skills and have huge fights across the ship or compound. Their usually filmed by a hysterical Anakin or Fives. Obi-Wan has made his disapproval clear, but there’s a video on Ahsoka’s account of him betting on the outcome.

Obi-Wan- Mostly on Cottagecore TikTok and posts aesthetic videos of him meditating, making fancy, pretty tea drinks, or any other mundane thing he does. He also posts self-defense videos to teach people how to protect themselves, and gives tips of how to use the force and how to help meditate. I think he posts once a week, but posts a bunch at one time because he’ll have one day of silence where he can get stuff for himself done. Basically, his account is to comfort people, to help people, in perfect Obi-Wan fashion.

He also posts encouraging videos to cheer people up when they need it. Cute messages like “Today’s going to be a good day” with that award winning Negotiator smile that get galaxy wide comments and duets. Sometimes the messages border on him illegally sharing decisions that the Senate’s made, like when he announced on his feed that a certain Planet should get ready to party because a certain vote had gone a certain way.

Sometimes, though, he posts videos of Ahsoka, Anakin, or Cody doing incredibly stupid things. It’s become a series, he shows the person do or say the stupidest things, and then he zooms in on someone else’s face. The most common duo is Anakin and Rex, but sometimes there’s Waxer and Cody, once or twice, Obi-Wan and Cody.

Rex- He doesn’t post a lot, and when he does he’s usually not really in them. People only know him specifically because he’s in so many of Ahsoka’s videos. His are mostly “the stuff I have to deal with videos” showing petty fights between some of the 501st or some animal that a soldier decided they wanted to sneak into the ship. That, of course, lead to a blowup on his account, so he started posting lots of content with his brothers. Ahsoka has the notion that he’s doing it to help the way people see Clones, but he does seem to enjoy it a lot.

He, like Obi-Wan, posts hand to hand combat training video to help people in the galaxy, put his training to more use. He makes sure to show how to hold your first in a punch, how to safely clean a blaster, how to take a punch. Some of his posts are to teach people about clones and mando’a traditions. But he’s not all serious. He likes making videos of him and his brothers when they go out to do things for fun or they go out to 79’s.

This one might be a bit far fetched, but I think he would also post videos of him and Ahsoka doing mundane things together, repainting their armour, making bracelets or some stuff on the floors of the bunks during hyperspace. It’s calmer than what Ahsoka posts, and purposely so.

Fives-Oh man. Fives’ account is a wreck. Half of the videos are him running away from something he’s done and the other half are him running into things that he shouldn’t about to be doing. Shakily filmed, someone (usually himself) screaming in the background, you can hear him panting and out of breath. A lot of the times Anakin is with him or chasing after him, and as you can almost always hear Rex cursing and yelling at them to stop, especially if they haven’t done the thing yet because that means they have a plan. When Fives has a plan it ends up being worse than when he makes it up on the spot. 

He also posts videos of him giving people in the streets compliments, because he’s sweet like that. He usually gets pretty funny reactions most of the time, and the few times they’re bad reactions he simply flips the camera and grimaces, then, of course, starts laughing because he’s not going to let one person put him down.

He also has a series of him painting the Bi flag all over the ship and waiting to see people’s reactions. The cutest was that one time Ahsoka walked past and ran her fingers along it softly and smiling. Also notable was the time Obi-Wan caught him midway through and just pretended he didn’t see him. All of those are posted with the persons permission, of course.

Aayla and Bly- They share an account where they do ALL of the couple-y stuff. Any couples challenge that they’re asked to do, they do. It’s hard to do the challenges like “You could’ve been nicer to me today” because they’re both on it all the time and have definitely heard of it, but they make do with all kinds of others. Aayla and Bly are definitely one of those couples that adopts all the kids that follow their account, and they’re ready to fight anyone who says anything bad the Clones or the Jedi.

There’s also a large amount of videos that some of the 327th takes of them cuddling together, training together, polishing weapons together. Basically, their account is them being cute and the rest of the 327th either being incredibly supportive of them or gagging at all the PDA. They start a trend where they go up in front of random people around the ship and start making out to get the reaction. Some examples of the best reactions are franticly running outside of the room, slapping Bly across the back of the head, and wild cheering.

Cody: You’re kidding, right? He does not have time to do the TikTok, nor does he understand TikTok at all. He is in most of Obi-Wan’s videos, and he’s sometimes in Rex’s too. Most of the time he’s telling all of them not to do whatever they’re about to do, or he’s sitting on the floor and crying with Rex.

Anakin actually started making videos called “When you see your dad and your other dad be romantic.” Where it’s just him finding Obi-Wan and Cody doing cute things in random places, followed by Anakin or Ahsoka making faces at the camera.

Plo- Parent side of TikTok for sure. His account features so many, so many, videos of him doing fun things with the 104th. He may seem like an extremely serious man, but put him with all of his kids and has almost no impulse control. They ask to stop at that restaurant they saw on the way to their mission, and he makes it happen. Everyone pretends not to notice because they wouldn’t dare go against him.

This account is also mostly run by everyone in the 104th because A. Plo doesn’t have a password and B. That’s how they get a bunch of footage. The phone is passed around throughout the day, but all of the content focuses on the Plo’s Bros relationships. Anything that he does, from giving a shiny a thumbs up when he comes up with a new plan, to teaching some of the older clones who are a little overworked how to take deep breaths. All the followers also a learn the Plo is absolutely terrible at any kind of card games, which is shown when they post video after video of the bets he looses.

Next for Star Wars I’ll be doing Bad Batch, then, because this got so long, I’ll do one with some more characters! Sorry it’s so long, this ran away from me a bit.

Some clone wars beautiful mutuals @radbatch (Who is the absolute best person to talk to about Ahsoka ever period end of story) of course and @maiseey (Who is now my my mutual? How?)

[kanmom51]

JM JK timeline.- my observations how they grew over the years - 2017

Disclaimer:  these are my own opinions and conclusions.  Feel free to disagree, but hate or aggression will be unacceptable.

This is a long one, so I will to post this in several parts (at least 4).

 2017 - Part 1

2017 is an enormous year for the couple.  This is such a significant year for the both of them.  

This is a year that both JK and JM become way bolder.  

Saying that, out of the two, it’s JK that I feel gets much more comfortable within his own skin, and feels ready to be louder.  Not only is JK making progress in coming to terms with himself, but he is ready to tell the world about it.  He is young, he is impulsive, meaning he most definitely needs reigning in by the members on several occasions.  

I think that is why, sometimes, it feels to us like he is more reserved with JM when it comes to the ‘skinship’ or closeness, because when he isn’t, he tends to go ‘too far’.  It’s sometimes easier to keep away, not touch, not react, than to touch or react and lose control in the process.  The ‘big’ or ‘loud’ moments we do get from him are mostly (GCFT not one of them) when he is acting impulsively, doing first and only then thinking it over.

Another thing we see this year is the two getting comfortable within the relationship.  By the end of the year we get to see how much more comfortable they are within themselves.  You can’t say yet that there is a calm between them, but they are getting there.  

At this point all the members of the group are aware of the relationship, and I believe that in 2017 the important surrounding staff are made aware too.  Were they outright told, or did they just ‘get it’ as the time past? Maybe both, in a way, all to be able to protect both members, and not to let things get out of control (protecting the band and the brand).  I think that the staff knowing allowed them both more freedom to be themselves, at least when off camera, without needing to hide all of the time.  

This is the year of both JM’s and JK’s love odes to each other.  

This year brought us bv2, GCFT, Serendipity, JK’s graduation and so much more.  

We still see the micro touches and brushes, but there is also a boldness, especially on JK’s part. As JK is finding his place within the relationship, asserting himself, he is also maturing, so he learns how to assert himself but also learns how to be more attentive to JM’s needs, especially his emotional needs.

JM was, and still continues to be JK’s anchor.  He is his biggest supporter, pushing him to challenge his boundaries, pushing him to the front, helping him when he is down, being there for him when he is hurt.

But JK is also there for JM. It is sometimes less noticeable, but he is the one that knows how to make him laugh, even when JM is down.  He supports him when he needs it.  He looks after him, makes sure he eats, protects him physically, when he thinks it’s needed.  

They are like magnets – constantly seeking each other’s closeness.

I know that there are many Jikook’s that believe that JK and JM’s romantic relationship started only after their end of 2017 trip to Tokyo.  I emphatically disagree.  2017 brings much development and change in their relationship, but that’s like every longer term romantic relationship.  There are shifts in the relationship.  The more the couple get to know each other, their wants and needs, they adjust themselves to that (as much as they want the relationship to continue).  That is the push and pull we see with the boys over the first 2 years .  Figuring out how they feel, what they want from each other, what they need from each other, and just how much they are willing to give the other or maybe give up of themselves.  

That’s a healthy relationship – when you manage to find that point of balance.  And that’s what the boys were doing throughout 2016 and 2017. That doesn’t mean that even after you find that point of balance there won’t be conflicts.  It does, though, enable you to come back to that balance faster, to be able to solve the conflict, because you understand each other better, and learn how to and when to give in (Summer package 2017 - the dream catcher saga).  

This brings me to the JK jealous narrative out there.  I don’t love it.  It makes JK out to be this possessive jealous boyfriend.  It’s oversimplifying and a bit juvenile.  Sorry, but that’s how I feel.  I’m not saying that JK ,or for that matter JM, didn’t ever get jealous.  They are human beings, like me and you.  Jealousy happens.  But there is a difference between getting jealous once in a while and creating this whole narrative of possessiveness jealousy, where someone is so jealous they can’t see anyone, including their closest of friends, come anywhere near your boyfriend.

Also, there could be other kinds of ‘jealousy’.   Not only seeing your significant other leaving you for someone else.  That is only one aspect of it, feeling threatened that someone you love will  be tempted to leave you for another.  But there are other aspects to jealousy too. You can be jealous of others, not a jealousy within your relationship, not a fear your significant other doesn’t love you or will leave you, but the jealousy of those others that can show affection to one another, but you can’t because of the nature of your relationship, that may have to be hidden.

There could also be frustration, not jealousy.  Frustration you need to keep hiding your relationship, when all you want to do is shout out loud to the world that JM/JK is yours.  

The fact that JK and JM’s relationship was something to be hidden, the fear of discovery (have you seen that clip when they are caught in the car ‘taking a photo for Twitter’? The panic on JK’s face? Seeing his face for me was heartbreaking) forced them to mellow down on their interactions, not to be obvious with the touchy feely between them.  

That, in my opinion, is another reason for JK’s minimalizing his skinship with JM.  Not knowing when it’s ok to touch, or just how much, or maybe the fear of going too far.  

JM had less of a problem with that.  Most of the time he was more calculated, knew exactly what he was doing, and how far he was pushing it (although, he too loses himself sometimes – Wings tour Japan documentary interviews, just for example).  

JK couldn’t do that, so sometimes the safer thing was to disconnect all together. That’s when the cameras were on, and not behind the scenes.  But not being able to show their love, having to hide, that took a toll on both of them. Seeing the person that they are building a relationship being able to be touchy with others but not with them, that hurt.  And that, in my opinion, is what we see and that is interpreted as jealousy some of the time with JK and with JM alike.    

2017 gave us plenty of content.  And just like with 2016 timeline, I just can’t address all of the content out there. I chose to refer to the content that seems most relevant to me.   No Twitter, mostly not photo shoots, even if they are the cutest.  Even if some of the moments there are spontaneous, most are directed.  The unicorn photo shoot, for example.  So beautiful, may have some spontaneous moments, but still mostly produced and directed.  Was it their own decision to pose with the unicorn? At this point in their careers, I doubt it.  It’s definitely a cute Jikook moment though.  They are beautiful, cute, have chemistry to die for, but it’s not more than that – not a JK and JM relationship moment, if you get what I’m driving at.

So, in JK’s words, let’s get it:

14 Jan 2017 Golden Disk awards – JK making his bae laugh, by imitating his own dance (Rainism) - exaggerating his own moves.  Yes Tae joins in, but JK is the one to initiate, and JM’s attention is solely on him.  He only has eyes for JK, but wasn’t that clear by now?

16 Jan 2017 ISAC 17 – I love these ones.  Just like with award shows, they have so much time to burn, that they sometimes seem to forget the cameras are there, so we get to see these little cute interactions between them, like JK finding his way to JM, wherever and whoever he may be with, little flirtatious behaviour, including JK finger hearting JM and JM doing it back to JK giggling. JM ‘flashing’ for JK .  JK holding JM’s hand, while it’s around JK’s waist, when photo taken.

19 Jan 2017 – Seoul Music Awards.  OMG, this is a big one for me.  They both look absolutely gorgeous btw.  This was one of the first clips I saw.  The way JK looks at JM, so beautiful.  But what topped the cake for me was what JK did.  JK notice JM back hugging Hobi, so he goes to Hobi, moves him aside, only then to go stand behind JM and back hug him, while gently placing his head on JM’s shoulder and closing his eyes.  

First of all, why move Hobi?  He wasn’t in the way, and it makes no sense to move him from below JM only to go behind JM and hug him from behind. Second, JK was fully aware that they were being photographed.  You can see the members around him posing for the cameras. This is where bold JK comes in. He needs JM.  JM is his safe place, his home, so who cares who can see or what they see?  He wants. No. Needs to hug him and feel him, so he will.  

When I saw JK close his eyes, I wanted to cry. I’m not exaggerating. It was so beautiful, so pure.  When I saw this, I knew.  I knew this was ‘something else’, something special.  

26 Jan 2017 – Global Vlive top 10 BTS – JK asserting his place by JM’s side.  Making sure JM doesn’t fall off the stool, but also pushing Jin back away from JM – that’s JK’s place not Jin’s.  We also get to see, again, the hesitation when touching JM, placing his hand at his lower back, only to pull back hesitantly.  We get the mutual glances, and them being in their own world.  At some point RM having to whack them out of it.

7 Feb 2017 – JK’s graduation day.  Big big day. Starting with JK making sure it’s JM standing by his side for the group photo.  In the car , on the way to their celebratory dinner,  JK singing a suggestive song while looking at JM – serenading him in a way.  Then JM asks JK what he wants for a graduation present, V telling JK that JM will buy him whatever he wants, and JK asking for an apartment (something that withing cultural context is a big thing).  The whole time there’s a flirty vibe between the two, V being the 3rd wheeler in the conversation.  

At the restaurant the boys recreate their photo from JK’s 1st day at high school too (of course it’s the two of them centrefold).

Then, to top the cake, there’s JM’s tweet.  The camera is on JM, and we hear what sounds like a kiss in the background bringing a big smile to JM’s face, and then what sounds like “My Mo, my mochi…”.  Then JM says congratulations and turns the camera sideways, only to see JK sitting there, and to JK’s smile and clapping.  V is in the back seat playing with his phone.  

Did JK send JM a kiss?  Did he call him his Mochi? .  Idk. 

It wouldn’t be the first or last time JK referred to JM as a Mochi.  

What I am sure of is that it had nothing to do with V. He was sitting in the back playing with his phone, totally ignoring or unaware of what was going on there.

To be continued...

[nocturnal-milk-dud]

Desperate Measures

Pairing: Horacio Carrillo x Reader 

Summary: Carrillo’s been working too late for too long

Rating: NC-17, 18+

Warnings/notes: smut 18+; if you’re under 18 get off my lawn, you’re wonderful, but this isn’t for you; based off of this post; smoking; alcohol consumption; female masturbation; unprotected sex; vaginal penetration; biting; cockwarming; does it count as voyeurism? I feel like I really hyped this up and I regret that a bit, cause...I rarely write smut soooooo if I disappoint you don’t come for me. I got so worked up cause I was sitting here imagining it at 2 am. 

Word count: 1300

A week of not seeing him. A week of hearing him come to bed--if you were lucky--and waking up to find him gone, the sheets already cool. You were antsy and you were irritable, and you’d find yourself sitting up alone late at night thinking about him hunched over at a desk, headphones pinching his ears, cigarettes and alcohol on his breath, knowing he was just as irritable as you, if not more. Drug war or no drug war, it was simply unacceptable. That’s what led you to knocking on Connie’s door, asking if she had a trench coat you could borrow.

There was something in the danger of driving through the streets of Medellín in that outfit at that hour that already had you biting your lip and clenching your thighs, but you pressed on. You found Carrillo exactly as you’d pictured him, sitting at the desk, smoke rising from the end of his cigarette, his fingers rubbing the worry from his forehead. Alone in the dimly lit room. His head snapped up when he heard you come in, your heels tapping against the floor. Carrillo got to his feet, the legs of his chair scraping against the floor, and rushed over to you.

“What’s going on, are you okay?” he asked.

“I am now,” you said, curling your fingers into his hair and laying a kiss on his lips. 

“Mi amor,” Carrillo said, taking your hands in his, separating himself from you, “you should be home.” 

“No, I think I should be here.” You shrugged the trench coat from your shoulders, letting it fall in a heap to the floor, revealing a lacy black teddy. You took Carrillo’s hand in yours and slid it up your thigh. 

“You look stressed, baby,” you whispered. “Let me help.” Carrillo smirked and turned away from you, walking over to his desk. He sat down in the chair and you watched as he lit a cigarette, the warm glow from the flame lighting his face. You crossed your arms over your chest and raised an eyebrow at him. He tilted his head back, exhaling smoke through his nose.

“Touch yourself for me,” Carrillo ordered. You bit your lip and considered defying him, wanting to see what he would do, but the thought of him sitting there, watching you made you wet. You walked over to the desk and perched on it in front of him. Slowly, you opened your legs for him, undoing the snaps of the silky fabric one at a time, and slid a finger through your wetness. You spread your lips with your fingers, enjoying the exhilarating feel of air on your heat, before drawing slow, tight circles over your clit. Carrillo’s eyes traveled from your pussy up to your face, watching as your teeth clenched over your bottom lip in pleasure. You squirmed beneath your touch, beneath his gaze, and you slipped the strap of your teddy off your shoulder, letting the lace fall away from your breast. Gazing at his hands, you massaged your breast, rolling your nipple between your fingers. The room filled with the sound of your whimpers and moans as you fucked yourself on Carrillo’s desk.

“Horacio,” you whispered. That was all it took, and if you had known, maybe you would have said his name sooner. Carrillo stood up, his hand closing around the back of your neck, and kissed you deeply. You moaned as he took your hand away from your clit and slid each of your drenched fingers in his mouth one by one. You wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him closer, feeling the bulge in his uniform pants against your sensitive pussy. Carrillo’s lips worked their way down your neck as you untucked his shirt, fingers fumbling to unbutton it, desperate to feel the heat of his skin. He pulled away from you for a moment to lift his undershirt over his head and in the next instant his mouth was on your breast, teeth pinching your nipple. You whimpered, your fingers tangling in his hair, before sliding down to claw into his back. 

“Fuck me, Horacio,” you gasped, your hips bucking against him. You leaned back, watching him undo his belt, and ran your hands over his stomach as he freed his hard cock. The two of you watched as he entered you so slowly it was almost cruel, until every inch of him was buried deep inside of you. He held you there like that, unmoving, his arms wrapped around you, and his kiss was slow and deep. You tightened your legs around Carrillo’s waist, wanting him to move, and his hands slid down to your ass as he rolled his hips in languid strokes, making you moan into his shoulder. Carrillo wasn’t a very talkative man when it came to sex, but that didn’t mean he was quiet, and you savored his sounds. His groans as he entered you, his sighs as he felt your tight walls around him, his moans as he came. You didn’t need his praise, you just needed the sounds he couldn’t contain, the control he couldn’t keep. Carrillo quickened his pace, hitting that point deep inside you that made your body tremble, and took you by the chin, sliding his thumb into your mouth. Your eyes fluttered closed as he moved it in circles over your clit. 

“Open your eyes,” Carrillo whispered, his voice dripping from his lips to yours like honey. You did as he said, holding his gaze and moaning as you grew near, the heat building, ready to surge through every part of you with your release. Your body tensed and you held your breath as the sensation coursed through you, your nails biting into his back. Carrillo groaned at your grip, at the feel of your walls clenching around his dick, and with one final thrust he filled you with thick ropes of cum. His forehead rested against your shoulder and he planted his hands on the desk, letting his weight fall into them. You allowed your body to relax against his, exhaustion sweeping over you. 

“I’ve missed you, Horacio,” you whispered, kissing the birthmark on his shoulder and relishing in the feel of his skin under your hands. You wanted nothing more than to be back in your bed, feeling every inch of him. 

“I know, cariño, I’m sorry,” Carrillo said, taking your face in his hands and kissing your forehead. “I’ve missed you, too.” You wrapped your fingers around his wrist and turned your head to kiss his palm. 

“Can we go home?” you asked, looking up at him sheepishly from under your eyelashes, and a soft smile brightened his face. 

“Well I guess I don’t have much of a choice,” Carrillo said. He fixed the straps of your teddy. “I can’t let you go home alone, especially looking like this.” He groaned softly as he pulled out of you and you watched as he dressed. Carrillo walked over and picked up the trench coat you’d discarded and helped you put it on. His hands slid down over your arms and he pressed his lips to the skin just under your ear. You leaned back against his chest.

“So from now on, if I want you to come home, all I have to do is show up here in the middle of the night wearing lingerie?” you teased, turning to face him. Carrillo tilted his head, his face taking on a stern expression. 

“I’m kidding,” you said. “I’ll just call you and tell you how close I am to doing it.”

“Just call and tell me what you’re wearing,” Carrillo said, looking you up and down with a smirk. 

“More like what I’m not wearing.”

“Even better.” You curled your fingers around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.  

Taglist: @horaciocarrillohasmyheart @1zashreena1 @mental-bycatch @massivecolorspygiant @girlpornparadise @the-siren-writes-it @vanthrefrigeration @thirsty-flygirl @silverwolf319 @funtasi  @cheesybadgers​ ​ ​  @redwine-n-hiddles​ @sarahjkl82-blog​ @maharani-radha-writes​ @lettherebrelight​ @banga-sama​ @ajeff855​ @madlyhowling​ @chiara-cannot-sleep​ @mcrmarvelloki​ @cassandras-nest​ @flowerchild-96​ @harduy​ @chasingdreamer​ @anatanotegami​ @live–aloud​ @grogu-pascal​ @dodgerandevans @seltsamkind @goldielocks2004​ @marvelprincess1994​   @patqmark​  @winchesterfallon ​

[agirlwhoisaphantom]

Moonlight - Adam Sackler x Reader

Chapter 1 - Kid

Word Count: 5595

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, wet dream,

Author's Note: I've been hiding this fic for quite some time and I just thought it was finally time to post it. I hope you enjoy it. Just a little FYI this is a bit of a slow burn things don't pick up until chapter 3/4 soo.

__________________________

You were in your psychology class trying to pay attention, but you couldn't. You were spacing out. Thinking about all the things that you could have been doing instead of sitting there in class. You could have been at home catching up with that show you just started or learning that new recipe you found.

You see this 6'4 guy with long perfect hair with broad shoulders walk into the room. He had features of a god. He was gorgeous. He couldn't be a new student; it was already mid-semester. The school you attended was fairly small. You could've noticed him by now.

He looks around the room before he makes eye contact with you and starts walking in your direction. As he starts to get near you, he doesn't break eye contact. To him, you were a prize he was trying to reach.

Once he is right in front of you, towering where you were sitting, he grabs your chin and tilts it so you could see his face more clearly. "You'll soon get what you deserve, princess," he says in a seductive voice. He grabs you by your hand and pulls you out of your seat.

Dragging you out of the classroom to take you to the nearest closet.

As he opens the door, your anxiety rises, thinking about what might happen next. "Hey, aren't we going to get caught" you mentioned to him in a worried tone of voice.

He wraps his arms around your waist, bringing you in closer to him. "Do as you are told, and we won't get caught." He whispers into your ear.

The space between you and him got smaller. Things were getting steamy-

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

"Noooo, a couple more minutes, please." you yawned to yourself. It was a dream that you did not want to wake up from. You wondered who that person was and if you have met them somewhere.

As you reached over to grab your phone where your alarm was still going off, you checked the time, wanting to know if you could sleep for a couple more minutes to go back to dreaming about that person.

It was 7:30 AM, and your class started at 8:30 AM; usually, at this time, you were in the train station, but instead, you were dreaming about a man you have never seen before and wanting to get railed by him.

You rushed on getting ready, so you could catch a train before your class started.

---------------------------

New York City is one of the busiest cities globally, also a city that you have always wanted to live in since you were a kid.

When you and your best friend Amelia got accepted into NYU, you decided to live in the same apartment. Both of you wanted to experience everything together.

You have lived there for six years, and no matter what, there is always something new to discover, it could be a new fashion store that opened or a new McDonald's, cause there is a need for a McDonald's in every corner.

This is your last year of Graduate School at NYU. You were so tired of this, and you just wanted to graduate already.

After all your classes are over, you and Amelia would always meet at Café Grumpy to occasionally catch up and leave the house. You enjoyed the coffee and food from there.

Every time you went inside there, it smelled like fresh coffee, and Ray was always there as well. "Hello, welcome back to Café Grumpy, the usual, right?" He asked with a smirk on his face.

"Good afternoon, Ray, and yes, the usual." you snapped your fingers as you agreed to what he said.

You have known Ray for the past couple of years; you never knew him personally. But you two did exchange a couple of interactions. He would always be the one to prepare your coffee and Amelia's. You probably had more mental breakdowns in that shop, something that you were not proud of. Since Ray was much older than you, he would be there for you and give you the best advice he could.

You were spacing out. You hear Ray's voice. "Are you feeling better? I know it's been a rough couple of weeks since that break up with Oscar," he hands you your cup of coffee and Amelia's. Oscar was the guy you have dated for the past 2 ½ years but recently broke up with him because he was cheating on you.

A frown formed on your face. You didn't like remembering Oscar and what he did to you. "I'm doing fine; he didn't deserve me anyway. I was too good for him." There was a small sigh when you said that.

Amelia was walking towards where you were sitting at "That is correct. He never deserved a lovely, funny, realistic girlfriend like you. Even from the start, he didn't deserve you." she sounded straightforward and positive in what she said.

She always knew what to say to make your day. "Amelia, always telling me something I don't know" there was a sass on your tone. Your relationship with Oscar was toxic to the point where you forgot your self-worth and only focused on pleasing him. But after catching him cheating on you, it made you realize how strong of a person you were and how you didn't need him in your life.

"She's right, you know; any guy would be lucky to have you" Ray was smiling as he was handing you a breakfast sandwich. "just to let you know this is on me, I'll pay for you and Amelia's food and drinks. But don't get used to it because I won't be doing it all the time."

You weren't sure how to respond to what Ray has said, so you just decided to give a detailed response "hah, keep saying that, and I'll stay single for a while," you chuckled as he told you that. "Also, thanks, we'll repay you." you were grateful that Ray did that for you and Amelia once in a while.

What you told Ray made you think, were you going to be single for a while, or are you going to find someone right away. But then again, you wanted to love yourself before you loved someone else.

---------------------------------------

After hours of just talking to Amelia and Ray, it was time for you to head home. It was getting dark, and you had homework to do.

Afternoons were your favorite time to walk around because of the sunsets. No matter how long you have lived in New York, you would have always taken pictures. By now, your gallery was full of those sunsets instead of images with your friends or family.

You lived in Manhattan, probably the cheapest place in New York you could find. The apartment wasn't that big; it had two bedrooms, one bath, a small kitchen and living space, and a balcony that connected your bedroom to Amelia's. It was big enough for two people to live in. It was decorated very minimalistic; of course, some of the landscape pictures you took and some portraits that Amelia has painted throughout the apartment.

Looking through the cabinets and through the fridge, you noticed you had all the ingredients to make chicken alfredo with mashed potatoes" Hey, are you craving chicken alfredo with some mashed potatoes?" You were taking out the ingredients to make the food. You were the one to cook all the time since you enjoyed cooking and did not mind cleaning the mess afterward. "Even if you're not, I'm still making it because I am craving it."

Amelia was browsing through Netflix, trying to figure out what to put "whatever you want to make, you know I'll shove it down my throat."

Your phone that was across the table started to ring. As you picked it up, you saw the name Oscar. Your heart started to beat fast. You had a blank stare as you watched your phone just ring.

Amelia notices your blank face, "Is it Oscar again? Gosh, when is he going to leave you alone" she rolls her eyes. She starts walking towards you to see if you need any comfort or if you wanted her to answer.

"Yeah, it's him. Can you answer the phone for me? I'm not sure if I can talk to him" you gave her your phone.

This was not the first time he called after the breakup. Usually, you would just ignore the calls. This time it was different because of the talk you had earlier with Amelia and Ray. The thought of you giving someone everything just for them to go behind your back to do that was a scary thought.

While your mind wondered with all these thoughts, you could hear Amelia just yelling at the phone. Telling Oscar to leave me alone and just to let the relationship we once had go.

Hearing him argue with Amelia in the other room made you want to curl up in bed. But instead, you just sucked it up and started making the food because the food will never hurt your feelings or cheat on you.

Amelia walks into the kitchen and places the phone on the counter. "He is such a jerk. I still don't understand how you decided to date him. Out of all the people in New York, you decided to spend two and ½ years with him." She was rambling on how much she disliked Oscar. You zoned out, not wanting to pay attention to what she was saying.

"I don't understand either, but hey, can we just talk about something else; I need a distraction."

While you were finishing the food, Amelia was still browsing through Netflix, trying to find something the both of you could watch.

Amelia gives you a look of regret as you approach her with the food. "I'm sorry that I exploded on you about Oscar. What he did was unacceptable. I hate seeing you hurt over a stupid guy," she mentions as you give her a plate of food.

There was a small pause in between as you sat next to her. "It's okay, Amelia. I'm hurting over a dumb boy."

Once you finished your homework and the movie that Amelia put on the TV, it was already nighttime. Your mind wanders back to the dream you had. Who was this guy, and have you seen him before.

Amelia had her bed, but sometimes she would come over to your bed and sleep with you. Especially during times like this, where you needed her company. Amelia was scrolling through Instagram, trying to find new inspiration for her latest painting. "Hey, Amelia, do you know if we know anyone that is around 6'4 that had perfect shaggy hair?" you asked her, trying not to make it obvious that it was a dream.

She got up and sat up quickly as you caught her attention "oh, so now we have a new lover, and it's not been two months past your breakup" she was looking at the way you would react to her saying that. But your face was not showing any signs that you might have met someone new or even talked to someone new. You looked confused, and all you wanted answers. "Hey, don't look at me like that. We both have a busy life outside of these four walls, you don't expect me to know every single move that you do, and no, we do not know anyone that fits that description."

"Oh, okay, just asking" you wanted to drop the topic as fast as you could. "We should go to sleep. I have work tomorrow, and you do too"

You turn off the lights and proceed to go to bed.

---------------------------------

"Such a naughty girl, listening to what daddy wants to do, does it turn you on being here in the closet with me at the university you attend at huh."

It seemed like it picked up right where it left off. Oddly enough, it was the same guy you dreamt of last night.

You stood there quietly as you tried to analyze his beautiful face.

He proceeds to tell you all the things he wants to do to you. "I want you to get on all fours and not make a sound," he whispers into your ears; as he does that, he wraps his big hand around your throat.

You nodded your head in agreement "yes. I'll stay as quiet as I need to-"

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

"Ugh, not again." This time, you woke up on time. When getting ready, you decided to wear something that hugged your curves perfectly—a turtleneck shirt with a cardigan and a nice pair of jeans with some heels.

On the days you didn't have class, you worked as a secretary at a lawyer's office, it was not your dream job, but it did pay you well. Your boss was chill about you going to work a couple of minutes late. She knew how busy the streets could get, and if you were able to pass by a coffee shop and get her coffee, she would forgive you for your delay.

As you were walking the same route, you wanted to catch up on some of your reading. The people around you were too focused on making sure they got to their destination on time instead of focusing on whether you were on their way.

Out of sudden, you bump into with 6'4 man, "Hey, watch it Ki-" he froze. To him, you were the most beautiful person he has ever seen.

You panic. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you," you were trying to gather yourself. As you made eye contact with him, you noticed that he had the same features as the guy you have been dreaming about. But seeing him in person, he was more attractive.

We stared at each other for a couple of minutes.

"umm yeah, it's alright kid, are you new around here? I have never seen you before" He looks at you like there's nothing else around but you. He looks up and down, looking at how perfectly your outfit hugged your curves. "Can I just mention that you are gorgeous and hot, wow"

You smiled and tucked in your hair behind your ear "thank you" This was the first time you have ever gotten a compliment in a very long time; you were unsure how to react. "Yeah, I have been here for a couple of years. I mean, it's a pretty big city. I doubt that you would have ever seen me" You never thought you would imagine that the guy you were dreaming about would live in the same city you did.

There was a small pause in between what you had said, "Is there a place that you need to be? I can walk you there. I want you to get there safely" He insisted on taking you to work. He didn't show any signs of being a creep, so of course, you agreed that he could walk with you.

The whole time you walked together, it was quiet, but having his presence next to you, was calming. It was odd. You have never felt this calm next to a stranger.

As you both get to the building that you worked at, "Hey, I know that we haven't known each other for long, and this walk was quiet, but I would like to get to know you." You scanned his face to see if he was lying or just trying to be weird. But no, he was genuine. "I would love to take you out to get coffee sometime if that's okay with you" He looked unsure if he wanted to ask you that. Maybe it was the fear of rejection.

You had a small smile on your face. You wanted to know him as well. "So far, I've enjoyed our quiet walk, and It would be lovely to grab a cup of coffee sometime" You take out some sticky notes and a pen from your purse and start writing down your number with a little heart next to the last digit. "Here, take this, don't blow up my phone, or I'll block you, okay" You hand him the sticky note with a smirk on your face.

The moment you mentioned a number, that's when his face lit up with the most dorkish yet cute smile. "Aye, Aye, Captain, I can't make any promises that I won't."

Walking towards the building, you felt like someone was watching you. You turn around to see who it might be, and it was him. He wanted to make sure that you go into the building safely. Then you realized that you didn't even know his name and how you gave him your number in a heartbeat. That was the dumbest thing you have done. But what is the worst he can do? He didn't know your name either. He can probably just send it to spam callers.

Either way, you didn't regret giving him your number.

Deep down, you thought, 'he'll never text me or call me. He was just nice by walking me to work. I'll never get to see him again.' Before you enter your shift, you text Amelia every time you get there, so she knows you got there and nothing happened to you on the way. You didn't tell her that you met this guy and that you willingly gave him your number. To you, it didn't matter. It's not like you were going to see him again.

Hours go by. It was already the end of your shift. You said your goodbyes to your boss and coworkers.

As you check your phone, you notice that there were three new messages from an unknown number. You took a deep breath as you unlocked your phone, thinking it was probably spam messages or reminders that you needed to pay your bills.

2:12 PM Hello Kid, it's me, that rando that walked with you

2:30 PM, please tell me this is your actual number and not some random person's number

3:23 PM, it probably is, well, shit. But if it is yours, call me when you get out of work. I want to go ahead and buy you coffee.

Reading those messages brought a smile to your face. Even without knowing his name, it made you happy that he texted you.

Your heart is racing as you call him, thinking that he isn't going to pick up.

"Hey kid, so you didn't give me a random person's number, huh" You could hear the excitement in his voice through the phone.

"Hello there, actually no, this is a random person's number, you got fooled" there was a small giggle that came out.

He went along with what you said, knowing for sure it was you and not someone else. "darn it. Either way, is this random person willing to grab some coffee in about 10 minutes."

"She accepts, and she will be waiting for you to come. Don't be late. I don't like it when people are late and especially when it comes to my coffee."

"Aye, Aye Captain, I won't be late, not even a second late."

"I'm holding your word to that, hah."

When you hung up the phone, you had the biggest smile on your face. The thoughts of 'how come this nameless person was able to make me feel this way' were going through your head. It felt like you were a teenager with a high school crush. This was a new feeling to you. You never experienced having these emotions over some guy.

Eight Minutes pass by, and you see that 6'4 gorgeous man was walking outside of the building you work at, waving his hand trying to catch your attention. You grab your bags and start walking towards the door. Before you could push the door, he opens it for you. "Thank you" You lock eyes with him, and that feeling from earlier where nothing matters came back. The sound of cars honking and people walking by didn't matter because it was only you and him.

"You are very welcome. There's a new coffee place that opened up not that long ago that I want to take you". He points to the left, and of course, there was a big sign on the shop saying, 'NEW LOCATION' You agreed to go with him, and you didn't care where you two went. All you wanted to do was spend time with him.

Both of you were walking to the coffee shop, and it was relatively small and very casual. There was loud music playing in the background. He opened the door for you, and inside, it smelled like fresh coffee. The inside was beautiful. The tones were very earthy and brown colors. Even if you didn't come with him, you would have loved to be in this place. It felt like home. While you two were getting in line, you finally asked him the question that has been in your head all day. "Something that has been bugging me is that I'm here grabbing coffee with a person that I don't even know; you might be a murder or a cat person, and I wouldn't even know your name."

He makes a facepalm motion when he realizes that you were right. You didn't know his name, and he didn't know yours. "shit, you are right. I haven't even told you my name. It's Adam."

Adam, why was that so fitting for him. You never thought that this beautiful man would have the most straightforward name. You loved his name already. You tell him your name, and the way he reacted was the cutest. "So that's the captain's name. To be fair, that is a beautiful name." You had a smile, and your cheek turned into a rosy color. You never thought that he would react to your name like that, mainly because he could have met a lot of people with that same name.

To him, your name meant more than just a random person's name. He didn't care if other people had the same name as you. He only cared about knowing your name.

The line got shorter, and it was your time to order what you wanted to drink. You look over the menu, and the most appealing drink you could see was a Macchiato. That was your safe drink when it came to new coffee places.

As you look over the menu, Adam stares at you, the way your eyebrows are shaped, the way you look so concentrated on reading every word on the menu. As before bumping into you, you were still the most beautiful person he has ever seen. "Are you ready to order what you want?"

Looking over the menu one more time, just making sure that a Macchiato was something you wanted. "I think so. I'll probably just want a macchiato, something simple."

"Do you want anything to eat? It's probably been hours since you have last eaten," he says in a concerning voice.

Even though you were hungry and wanted to order something to eat, you didn't want him to waste more money on you. "No, that would be it. I can probably get something to eat on the way home. Thank you, though. I appreciate it."

While waiting for the drinks to be ready, you two go sit down. It was quiet for a while before they called Adam's name to go and get the drinks. Hearing his name just brightened your day. You thought, 'I don't think I would ever get tired of hearing his name.' As he walked in your direction, you can't help but notice how big his hands were.

"Here is the macchiato for the lady" While you grab your cup of coffee from his hands, you notice how small your hand looked compared to his. "now that we are here, tell me about yourself." He wanted to know everything about you, from what you like to eat to what you like to do in your free time.

"Well, I'm in my last year of graduate school in NYU, getting my Human Development and Social Intervention Master's degree, gosh that was a handful to say. I work at a law office." There was a pause as you were trying to think of things you did in your free time. "There's nothing that exciting about my life, really." All you did was go to work and school. It made you realize how it has been a cycle your whole time you were in here.

With the facial expression, you can tell that he wanted to say 'really,' but instead, he said something else. "That sounds like some bull. Getting a degree in Human development or some shit like that is quite interesting" he was interested in what you were saying. "Also, I doubt that is all you do. There must be something else, a hobby? A show you enjoy watching." He did not believe one bit that your life could be boring.

Talking about yourself was not something you did on a day-to-day basis. So when Adam started asking these questions, it was really hard for you to think about it. He was the first person to ask you to talk about yourself in a very long time. You were unsure what to tell him, as you were stirring your coffee with a spoon, trying to figure out what to say. He grabs your hand that was just resting on the table. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me. If you don't feel comfortable telling me it's cool, I understand" He was reassuring you that you didn't have to tell him anything you didn't want to.

He still holds your hand, making sure that you are comfortable around him. He didn't want to mess things up with you. He wanted to flirt with you and kiss you, but he also wanted to make sure you were comfortable.

The place started to get packed, and the walls felt like they were closing in on you. You began to feel claustrophobic with the number of people around. "Adam, can we leave the place and walk around?" You needed to get out of the place before more people came in.

He grabs your bag and helps you get up from the chair. You started to walk forwards, and even though you couldn't see him, you could feel his presence behind you. As you both left the shop, you turned around to make sure he was right behind. You wait for him as he catches up to you. You go ahead and wrap your arm around his. He had a slight smile when you did that. "I'm sorry for not answering your questions. Usually, no one asks me to talk about myself, so I'm unsure what to say."

He understood, and he was in the same boat as you. No one asked him to talk about himself either. If you were to ask him, he would freeze just like you did. "It's alright, kid, let's take you home. It's getting late" This was the second time he walked you to your location. He wanted you to get home safely and wanted to stay with you for a longer time.

This time it wasn't a quiet walk, you joked around with him, and he joked around with you. The way you both talked, it seemed like you knew each other for years and not only for a day.

You were the first girl he didn't want to take home and hook up with. You were different, he wanted something new, and he wanted to experience it with you.

You were outside the building of your apartment, and you see Amelia run towards you and Adam. "Where were you, it's past 6:30, and you are usually here earlier. I was about to set an Amber Alert on your ass" She hugs you ignoring the man next to you. As she lets go, she finally notices him and gives him a perplexed look. She pulls you away from Adam. She didn't know him. She thought he was some creep just trying to get to know where you lived. "You can go now. You don't need to walk her in." She had a disgusted look on her face while she made the shoo motion.

You were embarrassed that she was acting that way. Usually, she wouldn't mind if a guy walked me home. You gave Adam a look that you were sorry. "I'm so sorry. I never thought this would be the way you two meet. Amelia, this is Adam" You had a frustrated look on your face. You didn't want Amelia to know about Adam until you were sure that you wanted to talk to him for a while. 'I guess faith has another plan for me, instead of letting me do my own thing.' Instead of keeping that thought to yourself, you said it out loud without even knowing that you did.

Adam and Amelia both heard what you said and giggled.

Adam stares at you like he had the heart eyes emoji on his face. Amelia noticed how he was looking at you and decided to walk into the building, so you and he would have a moment together. You knew the moment you entered the apartment, she would be asking you a ton of questions. The idea of going home felt like a nightmare, but that's where your bed was at, so you didn't have a choice.

After what happened between the three of you, you were unsure if he ever wanted to talk to you again. If it was you, after that, you would have just run the opposite way. He could feel that you were worried. "If you think that Amelia scared me away from you, you thought completely wrong." He wraps his arms around you, and you hug him back. Feeling his warmth was one of the best feelings in the world. You were so much tinier than him, so hugging him felt like you were hugging a bear. After a couple of more minutes, letting him go was hard. Adam looks up and notices that Amelia is looking down to where you and he were standing. "It's getting late, and I can see that someone is creepily watching us." You look up, and you see the same thing that Adam did. You both giggled that Amelia wasn't trying to hide that she was staring at the both of you.

Watching him walk away made you sad. You wanted to spend more time with him.

Entering the apartment, Amelia rushed to open the door before you could. She had a ton of questions ready for you on a notepad. You took her hand and walked towards the couch. The questions went from “where did you meet him? How did you meet him?... etc.” You answered every question, even though you really didn’t want to. “So you met him, and you didn’t plan on telling me” she grabbed the pillow that was right next to her and smacked you with it. You went ahead and grabbed a pillow next to you and started to have a pillow fight.

Hours passed by, you finished your homework, your readings, and finished cooking dinner. As you are getting ready to go to bed. All you could think about was him, how sweet he was to you, how beautiful his face was, just the thought of Adam. Your phone starts to ring as these thoughts continue. You look over to your phone to see who it was, and it was Adam.

There was noise in the background. It sounded like there was construction going on. “Hey Kid, what are you doing up so late? Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“Hey Goof, Fun fact I was about to go to bed, but you called, meaning that you interrupted me from going to bed.” You were tucking yourself to bed at this moment.

“I’ll just buy you coffee tomorrow.” He mentions in a sweet tone of voice.

“I hate that you have only known me for a day and already know that I love coffee” It was the opposite. You didn’t mind if he knew that you enjoyed drinking coffee. Instead of just remembering how your body was shaped, he would remember you by something you enjoyed drinking.

Adam was thinking about you before he decided to call you. He missed you. He missed the way your voice sounded. “I’m going, being honest with you, I was just thinking about you, and I thought I would call you.”

Did that comment just make your heart flutter? Yes, indeed it did. It’s crazy how in just one day of meeting Adam, you never felt happier. He made you feel things that you thought you’d never feel again.

You both talked for an hour straight, just talking about the tv show you were just watching; meanwhile, he was talking about wanting to build a boat in his apartment. But no matter what, you never have that awkward pause in between topics.

Once the call ended, It made you realize that this was just the beginning and that it would be a bumpy road ahead. But it didn’t matter because it was with him.

[let-me-luve-you]

It’s the...for me

Tom Holland x Sister

Summary: A fun night with your brothers turns into something else when a fun little game goes wrong.

Warnings: Angst, rude brothers, tiktok challenges

MASTERLIST    BUY ME A COFFEE

Siblings night. A night that is always your favorite. It was a night where you met at Tom's with Harry, Sam, and Paddy to play games, eat dinner, watch tv shows and movies, and to just catch up uninterrupted. These nights used to happen once a week. Then they went to once a month when Tom started his movie career. Then it went to once or twice every time Tom was home for longer than a couple of weeks.

Your family were your life. You were just younger then the twins. But still older than Paddy. You still lived with your mum and dad as you started college. You were becoming a social worker so you can use the skills you learn in school to run The Brothers Trust in a few years. Help lighten the load of your mum and dad.

Today had been full of finals. Something that had you stressed. You have the day off tomorrow, but you still had 2 more finals to go later this week. So a few hours hanging with your favorite people were going to be the best destresser you could find.

Sam had cooked a delicious meal for all of you. Harry was filming blog style so that you all could post the video on social media for fun and to let fans of Tom see what happens behind the scenes.

After deciding to make some dancing TikToks to post on Harry's page, Paddy decided to do one of the trending challenges. Harry thought it would be fun to do the "it's the...for me." Instead of going back and forth with one another, Tom suggested having one sibling sit in front of the other four. The four would take turns saying 3 comments each before they switched spots.

Your brothers went first. Saved you for last. All of there's were just funny ones that fans have always talked about. For instances, "it's the eyebrow for me" Harry had said to Tom. That had everyone laughing, including Tom. Some were serious, but it was all fun. You were dying to see what your brothers said to you.

"Okay Y/N turn." Tom said clapping and rubbing his hands together. "Boys, you ready?"

"Let's do it!" Paddy said. "It's the still lives with mum and dad for me."

"It's the avoiding us when Tom's not here for me." Sam said.

"It's the never being on time for me." Harry said.

"It's the being clingy when I'm home for me." Tom said.

You laughed when your brothers did, but inside, you were crushed and heartbroken. Even if they were joking, it's very hurtful. Do they really think that, you thought. Am I really that bad? They kept going for their round before stopping and it seemed like non of them were just jokes.

Tom and Paddy got up and went to the kitchen to get snacks and drinks. Sam and Harry fought over what tv show to watch on Netflix. You stood up and went to the bathroom. You didn't need to go, you just stared at the mirror trying not to cry. You finally pulled yourself together and left the bathroom. You sat down on the couch next to Tom since it was the only spot left open. You guessed Sam won since you were watching Tiger King.

After the first episode, Tom turned to you and asked,

"Y/N/N are you okay?"

"Yeah you've been super quiet." Sam said.

"Yeah. I'm good." You tried to give a reassuring smile. “Just tired. Finals week is finally catching up to me.”

“Well, if you want to call it a night, we can.” Tom said wrapping you in a hug.

“Yeah. I’m going to head home. I have a final tomorrow that I need to review before bed.” You hugged each brother and headed back to your parents house. You went straight to your bedroom and finally cried the tears you had been holding back since the game.

Days had passed. Finals were now finished. Your mum decided to cook dinner to celebrate you passing your classes. All of your brothers were coming tonight. It was the first time seeing Tom, Harry, and Sam since that night. You’ve seen Paddy but haven’t really talked and hung out with him.

When your brothers arrived, you were still hanging out in your room watching tv. Tom knocked on your door.

“Hey Y/N/N! How were finals?”

“Tiring but good. Passed all my test and all my classes.” You said not taking your eyes off the tv. Tom looked at you weird. Usually you would hop up and give him a hug. Especially since you haven’t talked to him or seen him in a few days.

“That’s good. Um..” He looked back towards the door, “Mum said that dinner is ready.” He looked back at you.

“Okay.” You hopped up and walked past Tom towards the dining room where the rest of your family was sitting.

“So tonight, we celebrate Y/N finishing her classes and tests with passing grades. To Y/N!” Your dad said holding up his glass.

“To Y/N!” Everyone repeated copying your dad’s movement.

After sitting quietly at dinner, only answering questions with short answers, you moved back to your room.

“Y/N is acting weird isn’t she? It’s not just me?” Sam asked his brothers.

“Yeah. She was quiet the other night and she was quiet tonight.” Harry replied.

“I wonder what happened?” Tom asked.

“It started after the game.” Paddy added.

“I think I know why.” Harry cringed. “I watched the video from the other night. We were really rude to her. I didn’t realize at the time, but looking back, man we were rough. Here take a look.” Harry said holding out his phone. The boys all looked at it and cringed at their horrible behavior.

“I’m going to go talk to her.” Tom said getting up and heading to your room. After knocking and being let in, Tom moved and sat on your bed between you and your tv. “Y/N can we talk for a second?”

“What’s up?” you said sitting up and looking at your hands.

“I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I said to you during the game. There’s no excuse for what I did, but I’m so sorry.” Tom said putting a hand on your leg.

“Yeah. We’re sorry too. We shouldn’t of been so rude. We were just trying to be funny.” Sam said walking in.

“We didn’t mean any of it.” Paddy said.

“We promise. We love you and don’t want you to change. You are the glue that holds us siblings together. We love you just the way you are.” Harry added.

“Y/N, what we did is unacceptable, but will you forgive us?” Tom said.

“Yeah. The fact you figured out I was upset and figured out why on your own shows how much you care for me and how much you actually regret saying that. Of course I’ll forgive you.” You said smiling. “But let’s not play that game ever again. Or any like it.” You all laughed. The boys all piled onto your bed to watch the movie you were watching before they walked in.

[cummingforkylo]

The Prince Of Alderaan Chapter I

Summary: It’s the spring of 1813, you’re the daughter of Viscount Huntington and after your family went through a scandalous season last year your parents have decided it’s time for your debut in society as a marriageable young lady. You’ve had life long expectations about what this would mean, charming young men excited by the prospect of being your suitor, lavish dances, and falling in love. What your debut season turns out to be is far from your innocent imaginings, especially because the Prince of Alderaan is in London for the season and with him all kinds of dark intentions. 

Read it on AO3 | Send me a ko-fi

Rating: Explicit...eventually

Word Count: 6,117 

Warning: None as of now

Pairing: Kylo Ren x reader

Notes: This story is inspired by the netflix show/book series Bridgerton. It’s kind of a crossover because I do use some themes and characters from the show but it is mostly a Kylo x Reader fic. I am still in the process of writing it but it is all planned out. I’m hoping to post weekly but I don’t have any set schedule as of right now. I promise you this is not going to be super historically accurate so don’t expect that lol. I’m just here for a good time. I really hope you like it!!

Dearest Lords and Ladies of London,

As the social season of 1813 fully blooms in the spring air, I pose one question, what scandal awaits our starved apetites? Last year we enjoyed the delicacy of the great Huntington family being almost brought to their knees by the Viscount Huntington’s love of gambling. This year we can feast upon his youngest child and only daughter being presented to society for the first time, perhaps earlier than she should have been to in an attempt to make up for their problems last year. We also will get to try a taste of exotic flavor as the Prince of Alderaan has returned to London for business reasons unknown(but will surely be found out by this writer). As those of us who keep up with world politics know, the Prince is the current ruler of the Kingdom of Alderaan as he and his militaristic political faction ousted his mother, the Queen Regent, from power only a few years after his father abdicated responsibilities and is in places unknown.

Yesterday, the young ladies of high society who are debuting this season were presented to Queen Charlotte of England and of course, it was an event filled with who’s who, how did this girl prove herself silly or charming or cold and who managed to scrape by with Her Majesty’s much desired approval. Miss Daphne Bridgerton was chosen as the Queen’s diamond of the season, and was, to use the Queen’s word, “Flawless.” It will be interesting to see how many suitors Miss Daphne may be entertaining over the next few weeks. Miss Huntington,  who’s family had very nearly been shunned by all of society last season proved to be quiet but charming and earned herself almost no regard from the Queen but did fair better than the young Miss Philippa Featherington who swooned almost the moment she was presented to the Queen.

Yes, Lords and Ladies of London, we are in for quite the season, I am sure. I can assure you I will be with you every step of the way. None of you know me, nor will you ever(no matter how hard I am sure you will try) but I know you. I know your business and every dark little secret that you think is private and I will gladly be sharing it with the rest of the society. I’m sure we will all become very well acquainted over the next few weeks.

Yours most sincerely,

Lady Whistledown

***

Everything was silk and cotton, ruffles on skirts, rouge, curls and words of the latest scandal sheet that had been delivered to the door of 3201 Grosvenor Square earlier in the day. You were of course readying yourself for the Danbury Ball that evening, it would be your first ball after being presented to the Queen of England herself and to society as a whole so it must be perfect.

“What did it say of me again, Mama?” You asked as you stood facing the large mirror in your room while your maid, Ella, tied up your stays. She pulled them tight but not so tight you could not breathe, fainting at your first ball would hardly do, it would be unacceptable outcome to both you and your parents who hoped to find you an excellent match this season.

“Do not concern yourself with what some horrid writer thinks of you, dearest.” Mama said, looking up from the paper in question. You had read it through and found your name mentioned multiple times, none of which had been terribly favorable. Of course she referenced the scandal that had taken place in your family the year previously but that had been covered endlessly in older scandal sheets and no one found it of much interest anymore. Lady Whistledown was new she had more interest in reporting the new scandals….and yet, she had mentioned it. So it would be fresh in any suitors mind, a thought that caused you discomfort. You would hate to fall madly in love with some beautiful lord only to have him find you detestable due to something that happened in your family over a year before. You had been looking forward to your season since you were a child, you imagined it always bathed in beautiful spring sunlight, you imagined yourself surrounded by affectionate suitors, flowers, music, charming conversation and always…options.

Now that your season was here, you found it tainted by the mere memory of scandal but you were not going to let it stop you from finding love and enjoying the beauty of being out in the eyes of society. Marriage eligible. Despite what Lady Whistledown had written, you felt yourself ready for society, ready for all that it could bring you; and your Mama was right, you should not let the words of a gossip writer concern you. Ella had finished with your stays so now it was time for your petticoat and then your gown, fresh from the modiste. Once it was on, buttoned, straightened, and thoroughly fussed over Ella stepped back and you examined yourself in the mirror. The dress was fashionable in every aspect, powder blue, high waistline, short puffed sleeves, and square neckline that showed off more than you had ever been allowed to show before. You felt it swish around your slippered feet and you felt exactly how you had always dreamed of feeling just prior to your first ball.

“Mama?” You prompted, glancing over your shoulder to where your Mama was still poring over Lady Whistledown(even though she had told you not to concern yourself). Lady Huntington finally looked up and gasped. Standing up, she rushed to your side.

“You are a vision, dearest.” She said, smoothing a section of your hair. You smiled, allowing your eyes to linger on your own reflection again. Your heart sputtered with excitement, tonight could very well be the night that you would first lay your eyes upon the man you would wed.

“We truly do not need to worry about what the Horrible Whistledown woman writes, because you are such a gem that all the gentlemen at tonights ball shall be vying for your attention. “ Mama said. You looked to Ella,

“Do you agree, Ella?” You asked, reaching out for your maid’s hand, you had known her for years and she was your closest confidant, especially after all you had endured last season.

“Oh, My Lady, my opinion hardly-“

“I do very much value your opinion, Ella…and I’d believe you if you were to tell me I look like a fool. Please.” You said, squeezing her hand.

“You look lovely, my lady.” Ella said, you gave her a look that practically begged her to tell you the truth. “That is the truth, my lady. You’ll need your best gloves but you look just as your mother said, a vision.” She said. You smiled and looked back to the mirror, allowing yourself another moment to take yourself in. Perhaps it was a silly thing to do, perhaps you were being vain but you had to be flawless to be viewed as eligible and that was what you intended on doing.

***

Kylo Ren had changed his name years before and still sometimes invitations were addressed to his past name. Especially when he was here in London; he believed his mother had something to do with that and he despised it. Of course, no one would refer to him as that name to his face, no one had the courage to do that; but he still found it irksome to look at the letter sitting on his desk that invited him to the Danbury Ball tonight addressing him as Benjamin. Even worse was the gossip rag that had been delivered to his address that morning not only mentioned him but even the author of that drivel had managed not to refer to him as his detested past name. And yet, high society here in London could not be bothered to at least address him as his title. It had his mother’s doing written all over it and it put him in a truly foul mood. There was a knock on his door and he looked up from his desk,

“Yes?” he called and the door opened, revealing the butler.

“A General Hux here for you, Your Grace.” He said in the snooty high society accent of a well trained London butler.

“Yes, let him in.” He said dismissively. He went back to the work in front of him while he waited for the wretched man to enter. He was in no mood for Hux, his chiding or his warnings about tonight’s events. Yet, he had to humor the man even while they were here in London. General Hux commanded Alderaan’s army and even though Kylo commanded the General, he needed to keep the abhorrent man at least semi happy.

“Ren,” Hux was already speaking as he walked into the room. Kylo stood, deciding to ignore the fact that Hux had not bowed or showed any amount of respect for his position as he entered the room. Kylo held his hand out for the General to take, Hux clasped it, and Kylo maybe squeezed his fingers harder than he had intended to.

“Hux,” He said in greeting. “How are you?” he asked in a tone that implied he didn’t care at all about the answer.

“Well. Enjoying London so far. Ah,” Hux had spotted Lady Whistledown’s sheet on the desk and walked over, picking it up. “You received this as well?” He asked around a smile.

“Of course, I believe it was delivered to all the households in high society.” Kylo said, he picked his tailcoat up from over the back of his chair and pulled it on. The ball was in a few hours and he needed to begin to get ready, to make himself presentable for society so he hoped he could rush Hux out by appearing busy.

“It mentions you.” Hux said, looking at the paper in one hand while the other arm was tucked behind his back in a way that was clearly commonplace for him due to his military background. A refreshed wave of irritation washed over Kylo as Hux told him something he already knew,

“Yes. I have read it.” Kylo said through a clenched jaw.

“You know this means all the young ladies and their Mama’s will be out for your favor.” He said. Kylo didn’t want to hear it, he knew it to be true but listening to it from a man he could barely stand was not something he wanted to tolerate.

“I know. It does not matter.” He said.

“You would be wise to marry.” There was the chiding Kylo had expected. “People will only take you seriously when you have an heir…and an heir,” He looked at Kylo meaningfully, “A legitimate heir, requires a wife.” He finished in clipped tones. Kylo realized he had been clenching his fist, his brow furrowed, anger coursing through him. He slowly released the clenched hand.

“Do you forget who you are speaking to?” He asked, his voice going from the simple boredom of before to fury.

“No, Your Grace, I merely am trying to impress upon you the importance of something you seem to have entirely written off. Just because you want to behave like a petulant child and irritate your mother-“ Hux was cut of mid sentence due to Kylo crossing in front of his desk and grabbing the shorter man by the front of his tailcoat. Kylo dragged Hux towards him, their faces close, fury burnt through the Princes’s expression.

“You’ve forgotten your place, Hux.” He snarled and then because he did not wish to start a brawl with his army’s general in the study of his London home he shoved Hux away so hard the man stumbled. “I am aware of the situation and I do not need your counsel. Now, I will see you at the events tonight. Remember who you speak to next time.” He warned. Hux hastily fixed his collar, adjusting it as he caught his breath, still looking shaken. It was not the first time the Prince had brutalized him in such a fashion and neither of them thought it would be the last.

“I shall see you tonight.” Hux said before turning to leave. He paused at the door,

“You would do well to reign in that temper, Your Grace, if you do wish to secure an heir and your position.” Hux warned and then he was out the door. Kylo stood there, shaking with rage, it bubbled inside him and in an explosion of movement he lashed out and sent a stack of books flying from their position on the desk. They crashed across his desk as they went flying, upending a inkwell, throwing papers into the air and making a giant clatter as they hit the floor. Kylo stood back, seething as the Butler hurriedly entered to clear it up.

***

The Danbury Ball was just as Kylo had suspected, stuffy, hot, and dull. It was filled with the smell of ladies perfume and powder from the wigs worn by the musicians. It was also filled with young ladies and their Mama’s flocking around him begging for his attention either for themselves or for their daughters. “Lady This from That estate in the country, Your Grace, I can play any Mozart you’d like on piano.”  “Lady Whatever, Your Grace, please meet my daughter Miss Whatever. We have three homes in London alone thats not to mention our country estate. So you can assume her dowry is sizable.” “Your Grace, what an honor that you would attend-“ “Prince Ren, I’d like you to meet-“ It seemed to go on and on and there was no escape, unless he were to leave entirely and he knew that was unacceptable.

Kylo refused to be bested by the hordes of young women, all bright eyed, rose cheeked and dressed in the most fashionable of gowns. No, he would hold his ground, be polite but dismissive and leave it at that. How dull. Leaving it at that. Lots of the girls were attractive but most of them would prove to be proper young ladies who would never be caught dead alone with a man, let alone in any of the compromising situations he might find enjoyable. It was true that it would be easy enough to lure one of them out to the garden and from there some kind of seduction would be simple, a kiss on the neck, a hand on the waist and the girl would be so flustered and excited that she wouldn’t know how to say no. For a moment he found himself entertained at the idea but then he glanced around at the girls batting their eyelashes at him, smiling and trying to make themselves as demure and eligible as possible and he was bored once again. The idea of compromising one of their virtues had been exciting for a fleeting moment but the excitement had died the moment he truly considered acting on it.

Kylo excused himself in what was probably an extremely rude manner to the woman who had been trying to ask him if he hunted. He felt as if he was being hunted himself as he walked away from her and the other ladies who were waiting for their opportunity to talk to him. He finally found himself a tiny pocket of peace, just off of the dance floor by a window that looked out onto Lady Danbury’s gardens. He stood for a moment, finally getting to enjoy a second of peace and quiet when a voice next to him spoke,

“I’m shocked to see you here.” Kylo stiffened, because he recognized the voice. It belonged to his mother and he hadn’t heard it in years. It made his chest tighten, if his hands had not been clasped behind his back they would have trembled. Before he looked at her he set his jaw and his eyes hardened,

“Queen Regent,” he said in greeting, tilting his head down slightly but barely meeting her eyes.

“Ben,” Leia started but Kylo sucked in his breath through his teeth so she had to pause, but she continued without correcting herself, “I am so glad you’re in London for the season…there is so much you can accomplish. Starting with healing your relationship with Queen Charlotte.” Of course, the instant she spoke to him again it was about all his failings, all the things he needed to fix.

“No, Your Grace. It is not my plan to heal anything with her, she is not the leader of England just as you are not the leader of Alderaan.” His tone was cross but quiet, he didn’t need anyone hearing the way in which they spoke to one another. Leia glared up at him for a moment, Kylo could feel his mother’s eyes burning into him as if the glare could actually turn to fire and scorch his clothing and then his skin.  

“At least tell me you’re coming to these events looking for a wife.” She said after a moment of silence between them. Kylo looked down at her and watched her turn around to face the ballroom, placing both of her hands properly on top of her beautiful gilded cane. When he didn’t answer she took his arm, pulling him slightly to look at something. He tugged his arm out of her grip but looked where she was looking, “Daphne Bridgerton was named the diamond of the season. She was chosen by the Queen.” She said to him. Kylo’s eyes caught on Daphne, a pretty young debutant but thoroughly uninteresting to him. “She would make quite the wife, and being married to a Prince is a big step up for her. I’m quite sure she would be interested.” She was speaking hurriedly as if she knew he was about to walk away from her and to be fair, that was exactly what he wanted to do.

“I am not getting married, mother.” He growled, his voice still low. “Especially not to some girl who’s in the pocket of an English Queen.” He snarled before turning from his mother and stalking off.

*

Walking into the ballroom of your first ball was somehow better than all of your fantasies, all your dreams seemed to have lead to this moment and as you stepped in from the entry hall you lost your breath. It was a swirl of white gloves, beautiful light dresses, curls immaculately done up, men’s tailcoats jostling as they danced, and golden candlelight danced over the whole thing. You felt as though you had inhaled bubbles from the sips of champagne you had on holidays.

The ballroom at the Danbury’s estate was a large, high ceilinged room with many beautiful crystal chandeliers hanging down providing glowing golden candle light. On the mantles of the multiple fireplaces were spring green garlands, white roses tucked amongst the greenery. It had all the charms and refinement you expected from your first ball. The center of the room was the dance floor and just off to the side, below a grand staircase the musicians played beautiful, joyful music.  Many people danced and still more mingled around the edges of the dance, sipping drinks, talking  and trying to impress.

Your mama walked in behind you and it was her hand on your back that stopped you from staring all around with wide eyed wonder. You had been to balls before, but it had been as a child, not as a lady eligible for marriage and this was so vastly different.

“Close your mouth, dearest.” Mama said “Lest you catch a fly.” You snapped your mouth shut. Mama lead you to a table that had little cards connected to dainty pieces of ribbon on them. Dance cards. You found your name and Mama helped you tie it around your wrist and it finally felt real. You were here. You were finally going to be able to be a real lady, you could meet the love of your life this very night. Perhaps he would sweep you off of your feet and you would be wed by the end of the season. Did anyone get proposals after one night? You were sure that you had heard of a woman who had managed to get a proposal after only a few hours but you had to remind yourself of how rare that was. There were plenty of young ladies here tonight that had been searching for multiple seasons for a husband and had yet to find one. A lot of those girls didn’t even have a scandal in their family’s history and you did, you had to remind yourself of this so you remained beyond reproach. You had to be perfect. You straightened one of your gloves at your elbow and began to make the rounds.

It came naturally to you because it had come naturally to your mama and she had taught you very well. You greeted everyone by name and title, smiling but not too wide, never looking upset or dowdy. You spoke with Lord Humphies about hunting and Mr. Banbrook about music. You were even able to answer Monsieur De la Rue in acceptable French. Mr. Banbrook was the first to ask you to dance and so he took your hand and lead you out onto the dance floor. His arm wrapped around your back and he began to lead you through a fairly quick waltz. You began the dance dizzy with excitement, Mr. Banbrook was quite handsome, he didn’t have a title but he had money and he smiled while he talked and that charmed you. Something happened as you danced though, you realized your head wasn’t swimming with happiness, your heart wasn’t pounding hard and fast in your ears, there was no excited butterflies dancing in your stomach. You didn’t feel as if you had inhaled champagne bubbles. No. This was no different than dancing with one of your older brothers. Even the steps felt too familiar.

The conversation was lifeless as well, he talked endlessly about all the things he had,  and all the things he used to decorate his house with. You had long since left the topic of music behind and you found yourself staring off just over his shoulder, a pleasant smile plastered onto your face.

“I have quite a few stuffed deer heads on the walls of my study out in my country estate.” Mr. Banbrook said, you had to blink a few times to bring yourself back to reality. “They’re really quite beautiful.” He added when you didn’t answer right away.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure they’re lovely.” You said politely.

“Here in London I tend to fashion my home with art more than my hunting trophies-“ he continued and your mind wandered again, it was a thrilling moment when he spun you away from him for a moment and you joined with another gentleman before being spun back to your original partner. How could this be? Mr. Banbrook was perfectly suitable, maybe nothing special but, shouldn’t your first dance at your first ball bring some excitement?

After the disappointing dance with Mr. Banbrook he signed your dance card and promised to come back for another dance later in the evening and you were relieved when he left you. It’s just this first one that was bad, there are plenty of other gentlemen here. You told yourself this over and over again. The first man was not bound to be the man you married. There was a part of you that had hoped that the first dance with a man would be something magical, something that would have sent your heart into spasms of excitement, would have put stars in your eyes,  and butterflies in your stomach.

The next man to ask you to dance was Lord Kensington, he was handsome if a bit more bumbling than Mr. Banbrook. He stumbled over his words when asking you to dance but you reserved your judgment until you had danced. Lord Kensington had a title of his own and seemed completely taken with you. He kept his hand tight on your back as you danced. When the music picked up, you hoped and hoped. Please, let this give me every feeling I’ve ever wished for. But when he stepped on your toes and you had to tell him with a polite giggle that it was quite alright, you knew there was no chance. In what world would the man you were going to fall in love with step on your toes, smell of fish and stare at your chest while he tried to keep up with the steps to the dance. You hoped that the disappointment did not show on your face.

By the end of the dance it was hard to pretend you were enjoying yourself, but you attempted. He signed his name to your dance card and you thanked him. Soon. Soon. Someone will and it will be just as lovely as you’ve always imagine. Even if he isn’t the one you marry. It will feel like butterflies and champagne bubbles. You tried to tell yourself this after each man you had a dance with disappointed you. None of them were interesting, exciting, or like the spellbinding man you had always dreamt of.

No, you continued to have your feet trodden on, your back squeezed too tightly, be nearly put to sleep by the conversation and generally underwhelmed. Even the men who were perfectly lovely seeming sparked no interest in you. You tried very hard with them, listening to every word, dancing as prettily as you could, you tried to create the feeling you had dreamt of. The feeling you had when you first entered the ballroom, the rushing excitement, the pulsing happiness, the feeling of possibility. It never happened. The moment when you thought you might feel it, it just fizzled away.

You finished a dance with Lord Fernside and retreated to your Mama, she had been talking with Lady Featherington and the Viscountess Bridgerton when you came over. She detangled herself from the women and turned to you,

“None of those men were your fancy?” she asked, you wondered if she could so easily read it on your face.

“No, Mama…how did you-“ You asked.

“People have been talking,” Never a good thing. “It seems lots of people have been saying you seem…cold. Uninterested.” She said. You felt hot with anger suddenly. You had done nothing wrong, in fact you had played the part of interested and excited as well as you could under the circumstances.

“Uninterested?” You gasped.

“We will discuss it later, for now try and look happier, dearest.” She insisted. You took a deep breath and looked around the ballroom, hoping to calm yourself. You found your eyes drawn across the dance floor to the other side where a man stood almost a foot above the people around him. Besides being shockingly tall, he was broad with waves of dark hair, and a striking features. The oddest thing about him was that he was looking straight back  at you. It was as if your eyes had been drawn towards him because you could feel the intensity of his gaze. Your heartbeat quickened, you could feel it in your throat, your hands even seemed to tingle. You knew you shouldn’t stare at him and yet neither of you averted your gaze.

*

“Hux,” Kylo said in greeting as Hux appeared at his side. He did not take his eyes off of the girl across the dance floor from him. She was the first girl at this nightmare of a ball who he did not find completely banal. Maybe it had been the way she had looked around the ballroom with such misery that it nearly rivaled his own. Or maybe it was just because he found her attractive.

“Your Grace,” Hux said, looking up at him and then following his gaze across the ballroom. “Has someone actually caught your eye?” he wondered. Kylo quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to admit anything to Hux, his lip twitched towards a snarl but he reworked his face into disinterest once again.

“She’s attractive is all. Who is she?” He asked.

“Miss Huntington, daughter of Lord and Lady Huntington.” Hux said. “From what I’ve gathered this is her debut season but her prospects do not look good considering the scandal her family suffered last year.” Hux said.

“Scandal?” Kylo asked, the memory of a page in Lady Whistledown’s paper that morning floated back to him. Huntington. Gambling.

“Her father has a gambling problem and lost the family quite a lot of money, they were in some amount of debt. It seems they managed to dig their way out of debt and have returned to proper society.” Hux informed him, leaning in towards him to speak, Kylo wished it was proper to push him away. “I think it was mentioned in Whistledown this morning-“

“I do not care what is written in that fucking paper.” Kylo snapped. Hux was quiet for a moment and then,

“She is far below your station, Your Grace.” Hux said as he watched Kylo’s eyes drift back towards the girl across the ballroom. “And with that kind of scandal, who knows if she even has a dowry anymore.”

It was true. She was far below his station. Far from the Queen’s diamond of the season. Far from the choice his mother would have made for him. He could imagine the irritation he would cause his mother if he was seen with the girl. Choosing to dance with her out of all of the many, more appropriate ladies to choose from.

“Well, thank you for your input, General.” Kylo nodded to Hux and started to cross the ballroom towards the girl.

*

You had to hurriedly force yourself to look away as he looked back towards you, you had already been staring for too long. He was going to think you improper. Maybe you were improper, because you had never even spoken with the man and he was making your heart pound, making you lose your breath.

“Dearest,” Mama said, taking your arm. “The Prince is coming this direction.” She said. Prince?! He was a prince. You had locked eyes with a Prince and hadn’t even realized it.

“Prince?” You asked, shocked. Before your mama could answer you he was standing in front of you. All eyes were upon the two of you. Everyone who had been standing nearby couldn’t help but notice when a prince stepped directly in front of a young lady. You had to remind yourself that were, in fact, the lady he had stepped directly in front of. You looked up to him, struck again by how how tall he was. Your eyes met  and you were again struck by how handsome he was. Struck by how intense his gaze was. Struck by how hard your heart pounded. How it migrated up from your chest and into your throat. You remembered yourself in a hurried movement and curtsied, “Your Grace.” You said, trying to remember everything you knew about Princes. This must have been the Prince of Alderaan. You racked your brain for his name. Benjamin Solo.  No. Kylo Ren. He had changed it from his family name. Prince Kylo reached out for your hand, you held it out to him and he took it, gracefully bowing his head and kissed the back of it.

“Miss Huntington,” he said, he was unsmiling and yet you didn’t find yourself missing it. His face didn’t need a smile to be beautiful. “Would you care to dance with me?” he asked.

“Of course, Your Grace.” You said. Without another word he offered you his arm and you took it with a shaking hand. He lead you on to the dance floor and pulled you in towards him. The music was beautiful, another fun waltz but this already seemed entirely different from your first dance of the night. Your mind whirred, trying to come up with all that you knew of Prince Kylo. His reputation was not a good one, cruel, quick tempered, cold and unsettled were just a few of the things you knew of his reputation; but a reputation was not necessarily reality.

In the first moments of the dance, everything seemed to blur around you. It was like you could not focus on the outside world and the only focus was on him. Everything you wanted to happen in all your other dances with other men tonight was happening now. Your heart raced, your smile was genuine and butterflies danced in your stomach.

“Are you enjoying London, Your Grace?” You asked.

“Not at all.” He said, glancing away from you. Your brow furrowed, but you recovered quickly,

“I’m sure all of these balls and the season’s events must feel silly to you.” You offered with a smile. Prince Kylo’s eyes met yours and you felt your mouth go dry.

“Yes, they do. Especially silly when I have every stupid girl at this ball vying for my attention when I try to make it very clear I do not care to give any of them an ounce of my attention.” He said. At first you were shocked at the way he talked about other ladies, calling them stupid as if it wasn’t an insult. As if it was just a fact. Then, you realized he was giving you attention. He must have thought there was something special with you, something different, something worth giving attention to. Your heart leapt at this thought and you looked up at him, eyes meeting his.

“It must be exhausting being so desirable.” You teased lightly, you wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t made it seem obvious that he felt you were worth giving attention to. You smiled at him in a way you hoped was flirtatious. As you smiled you watched his expression change from interest to something that might have been akin to disgust.

“You’re not so different from any of these other girls, are you Miss Huntington?” he asked. It took a moment for your excitement and interest to turn to  confusion and embarrassment and then finally indignation. Had he just implied that you were stupid?

“Excuse me?” You asked, unable to restrain the anger you felt.

“You were staring at me from across the ballroom, were you not?” He asked, his voice wasn’t so much teasing as it was mocking. Heat flooded your cheeks, embarrassed, you hurriedly looked away from him. Your jaw set and your heart pounding but not from excitement anymore, but instead from anger.

“I only looked at you because I felt you staring at me.” You said, your voice dropping lower.

“You felt me staring at you?” He asked, now sounding amused. The hand he had on your back moved upwards, towards the exposed skin of your upper back. You felt one of his gloved fingers brush against your skin,  shivers seemed to erupt through your body even though you were flushed from anger and the exertion of dancing.

“Yes. You looked at me with such…such…intensity that I felt it.” You insisted. He scoffed, his lip twitching up towards something like a smile. It irritated you and to your even worse irritation it interested you.

“I believe you are mistaken. I caught you staring at me long after I looked away from you, Miss Huntington.” He said seriously, his dark eyes seemed to burn. His hand against your back squeezed, the finger that lay across the skin on your back dug in slightly. You felt dizzy, your breath left you in a sharp exhale. You wished that this waltz was one where you switched partners, even for a brief moment, so you wouldn’t have to look at his burning eyes and the way his lips seemed to twitch as he thought or listen to the way his voice was so deep it reverberated through his chest. You had finally gotten what you had wanted from the night, the excitement from a dance, the rushing happiness, the kind that bubbled through your veins like champagne, the excitement that made you tingle. You got all the feelings you wanted but they conjoined and mixed with fury and embarrassment. Kylo leaned in towards you, he was so close you could feel his breath,  he was too close, you could hear his smirk as he spoke,“You stared at me, my lady. How improper.”

[daniclaytcn]

quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

title: quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Summary: “In that warehouse,” Buck says. “I almost gave up.”

Eddie doesn’t bat an eyelash at his words. “I know,” He says, simply.

Buck isn’t sure why he’s saying this. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to confess this to Eddie, why this is something he needs for him to know. He also doesn’t know why Eddie is being so calm about it.

“I almost stopped fighting,” Buck continues, his voice breaking a little. 

“I know.” Eddie says, again. | Post 4x05: Buck Begins.

ao3 link

a/n: i wrote this when i should have been sleeping so it’s probably incoherent...pls excuse me..

tagging some people who may be interested: @malikjavaddzayn @evaneddie @matan4il @prettyboydiaz @firefighter-diaz  please let me know if you’d like to be added to/removed from my tag list!

Seconds after Buck knocks, the door opens and Eddie is looking at him with an arched eyebrow. "Since when do you knock?" He asks teasingly.

 Buck shrugs wordlessly. The weight of the past couple of days he's had—his parents arriving in town, finding out about Daniel, god, the fire—all had been momentarily forgotten in the time he spent with Maddie after his shift, the relief that came with forgiving her making something that had been unbalanced shift back into place in his heart. However, after leaving her apartment, it had all come crushing down on him again, leaving him shaking and breathless in the aftermath. Before knowing he was doing it, he was taking the turn to Eddie's house instead of his own apartment and now here he was.

 "You're just in time," Eddie gestures for Buck to come in. "Dinner's almost ready."

 "I—I didn't tell you I was coming, though," Buck says, confused. Eddie grins at him.

 "I had a feeling you would." Not waiting for a reply, he turns to go into the living room. "Christopher! Look who's here!"

 Buck is greeted with an armful of Chris when he enters the room and he can't help but laugh, hoisting him into his arms. Pressing his face into Chris' hair and hearing his bright laughter, Buck feels some of the tension drain from his body.

 "Hey, buddy! Hope you don't mind me coming over so unexpectedly."

 Chris giggles as Buck puts him down, as if he's said the funniest thing ever. "Don't be silly, Buck! We always want you around."

 Buck feels his eyes burn with tears inexplicably and he's relieved that Chris chooses that moment to turn around to search for a drawing he wants to show him. Eddie says nothing, instead moving past Buck to leave the room, pressing a warm hand to his shoulder as he passes him.

 Chris takes Buck's hand and tugs on it, leading him to the kitchen. Buck's eyebrows raise at the sight of Eddie pulling a pan out the oven

 "Dad cooked," Chris informs him. Buck chuckles.

 "Maybe I shouldn't have come over," He jokes. Eddie throws a dish towel at him, scowling.

 "It's just mac and cheese," He retorts. "And I'll have you know I've gotten better at cooking over the pandemic. Make yourself useful and set the table."

 Shifting into the usual routine of dinner time at the Diaz household has a comforting familiarity to it, Buck thinks, as he moves around the kitchen, grabbing plates and glasses, knowing where everything is supposed to be without even thinking about it. They sit down at the table to eat, Chris chattering away about his day as Buck listens on, barely suppressing an eye roll when Eddie not-so-subtly heaps two servings onto his plate. God, his best friend can be such a dad sometimes.

 As dinnertime comes to an end, though, Buck can feel the lightness begin to slip away, tension gathering in his shoulders once more and his smiles come less easily, not even Christopher’s cheer being able to bring them out easily. Eddie seems to notice (of course he does) and quickly stands to gather their plates.

 “Chris, I think it’s time you start getting ready for bedtime,” he says and Chris groans dramatically.

 “Dad, can’t I stay up? It’s not even a school night!”

 “Nope,” Eddie hums. “Rules are rules, Chris, you know how it is.”

 Chris groans again but doesn’t argue his point and gets up. “Goodnight, Buck,” he murmurs, and Buck bends down to receive his hug almost automatically, barely registering it. Thankfully, Chris doesn’t seem to notice that anything is amiss and pulling back, grins at him before leaving.

 “Hey,” Buck startles as Eddie taps him on the shoulder and looks up at the barely concealed worry in his friend’s face. “Why don’t you go wait in the living room? I’m gonna go tuck Chris into bed.”

 “It’s late,” Buck mutters. “Maybe I should leave.” He doesn’t want to. It’s almost more than he can stand, right now, the thought of leaving the warmth of Eddie’s house, of Eddie, to go back to his apartment, that has never felt like home the way Eddie and Christopher have. But he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome. He’d once told Maddie that he’s not really a guest in Eddie’s house, but now, with his entire world, with everything he’d ever known about himself turned upside down, he can’t be sure of anything.

 Eddie shakes his head and repeats, a little more firmly. “Wait for me in the living room.”

 Buck goes, helpless but to do as he asks. He looks around at the room as he sits down on the couch, Chris’ homework on the side tables, the video game consoles scattered around it, Eddie’s jacket tossed over a chair—just a few weeks ago, he had been on this couch with Eddie and Christopher, playing video games and teasing Eddie about his newfound fear of technology. Just a few weeks ago, he had been in this same spot, happy and lighthearted with two of his favorite people in the world.

 Just a few weeks ago, he hadn’t felt this overwhelming sense of wrongness and uncertainty, like everything was collapsing around him and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

 Eddie returns shortly, sinking down into the couch beside him, his shoulders pressing into Buck’s; solid and grounding. Buck lets out a shaky exhale, ducking his head as he feels his eyes burn with tears again. He doesn’t want Eddie to see him like this, cracked in a hundred places and this close to falling apart. Which doesn’t make sense, he knows, Eddie has been there during some of the worst moments of his life; he was there holding his hand while his leg was being crushed under a firetruck, he had seen him choke on his own blood during that welcome-back party; there was no end to it. But this—this was just too much. Too vulnerable. Too raw, and open and exposed.

 Eddie says nothing, just sitting there, a line of warmth and stability against Buck, waiting for him to open up. And Buck does, inevitably.

 “I forgave my parents,” He doesn’t look at Eddie while he says it, but can feel him stiffen momentarily before he relaxes again.

 “That must have been hard,” Eddie says, his words so similar to Maddie’s just a few hours ago. Buck shrugs in response, talking about it with his sister had been hard enough, he doesn’t really want to get into the why’s of it again.

 “I just feel like---” Buck stops himself and sighs in frustration. “I feel like this should have brought me some sort of relief, right? Taken some of the weight off my shoulders? Now that I actually have some context to what they did, and why-“

 “Hey,” Eddie interrupts, almost sharply. “Your parents lost a child, and that’s terrible. But them ignoring the two living children they had, not being there for their kids who actually needed them? That is on them and nothing can excuse that. You are well within your rights to feel angry, Buck.”

 Buck shakes his head. “I am so tired of being angry,” He says. “But---I still am. I thought forgiving them would make me feel less angry, but it didn’t. I am so angry that they kept my brother a secret from me, all this time. I am so angry that they forced Maddie to keep that secret, when she was just a child. I am so angry that I was finally, finally, doing better, feeling more secure and good about myself and my life and it took just one visit from them to turn it all upside down!”

 He sucks in a deep breath and buries his head in his hands, shaking slightly. He did not mean to explode like that. Hell, he doesn’t even know where it all came from. He had no idea he was even feeling like that before it all burst out.

 I sometimes hide my true feelings, Buck remembers telling his therapist that one time, and he chuckles hollowly at the memory.

 Eddie lays a hand on his shoulder, the pad of his thumb drawing soothing circles over his sleeve and remains quiet until Buck raises his head again, eyes wet.

 “It’s clear to me, now,” Buck says. “Everything I ever did to try and win their affection, to win their love—none of it mattered. I was set up to fail since the very beginning. The entire time, whenever they looked at me, all they could see was Daniel and I would never measure up in their eyes. How could I compete with that? God,” He scrubs a hand across his face roughly and lets out a bitter laugh. “I’m jealous of a dead person. How fucked up is that?”

Something shutters in Eddie’s expression and he ducks his head for a moment, swallowing. “I understand completely,” He murmurs. Before Buck can really think about it, Eddie is talking again.

 “It was never on you to win your parents’ love, Buck,” He says. “It’s not something that needs to be won, it’s something that has to be freely given. And your parents—they—no matter the loss they were mourning, the way they made you feel like every scrap of their attention needed to be earned was unacceptable. You have to know that. I mean—” He sighs and pauses for a moment. “I have made a lot of mistakes with Christopher, but I can never imagine doing to him what your parents did to you and your sister. It’s unthinkable.”

 Buck manages to smile at that and says, his voice breaking a little, “You’re a really great dad.”

 Eddie chuckles and shakes his head. “I hope so,” He murmurs. “At least, I try to be. And sometimes, trying is the best you can do. It’s what every parent should do.”

 Trying, huh? Philip and Margaret Buckley certainly hadn’t. They had given up on Buck the moment he’d failed to save his brother, Buck is certain of this no matter how they might say otherwise. They had given up on Maddie when she married Doug. They were never willing to try when things got hard, instead that burden had been placed on their children and Maddie and Buck had carried it even into their adulthood, without even noticing.

 He had never felt that burden so acutely as he did in the fire, as he relived his entire life, seeing his past through new eyes as he fought desperately to save Saleh from the flames and himself, from giving into all that despair and guilt and hopelessness. And in the end, he hadn’t had to carry it alone, because the 118, his family, stepped in to carry it with him.

 “In that warehouse,” Buck says. “I almost gave up.”

 Eddie doesn’t bat an eyelash at his words. “I know,” He says, simply.

 Buck isn’t sure why he’s saying this. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to confess this to Eddie, why this is something he needs for him to know. He also doesn’t know why Eddie is being so calm about it.

 “I almost stopped fighting,” Buck continues, his voice breaking a little.

 “I know.” Eddie says, again.

 “You’re not—” Buck clears his throat and says, hoarsely, “You’re not…I don’t know—” He can’t finish.

 Upset? Angry? Disappointed?

 Eddie, evidently, doesn’t need him to say it. “No,” He says, his voice impossibly soft. “I know what it’s like. I’ve been there.”

 Oh. Of course, that’s—Buck doesn’t know whether he is referring to Afghanistan or the well, when he was buried under thirty feet of mud. Or both.

 Buck doesn’t ask, and Eddie doesn’t elaborate.

 “It feels easy, to just stop resisting,” Eddie continues. “But then, you remember that you have something to live for. A family that loves you.”

 Buck shakes his head, almost automatically. “My parents—”

 “I’m not talking about your parents,” Eddie says, firmly. “I am talking about your sister, Bobby, Athena, the 118—”

 “—you?” Buck finishes, something in his heart lifting at the soft smile Eddie gives him in return.

 “Yeah, me,” Eddie says. “And Christopher,” He pauses, suddenly looking almost uncertain. “That is, if you’ll have us.”

 If he’ll have them? Buck almost laughs hysterically—what sort of question is that? Surely, Eddie has to know—to have him and Christopher as his family would be everything and more. He wants it, all of it, so badly that it’s almost terrifying. He wants Eddie, in any and every single way possible, no matter how selfish it is.

 “Eddie, you don’t know what that means to me,” Buck says, instead.

 Eddie smiles. “I think I have some idea,” He says, and reaches out, slipping his hand into Buck’s. Buck can feel his breath catch, his heart leaping at the gentle touch, at the way Eddie’s fingers slot so perfectly between his. It is at times like these, that he thinks that Eddie might return the feelings he has for him, the feelings that are definitely not those of friendship. But he can never bring himself to cross that line, too afraid of being wrong, of ruining one of the best things he has in his life.

 They sit in silence for a few minutes. After a while, Buck glances at the clock.

 “It’s getting late,” He says reluctantly. “I should go.”

 “Stay.” Eddie says. Buck’s pulse quickens, he knows that Eddie doesn’t mean it that way, yet—

 “I think—”

 Eddie shakes his head. “Stay. Please.”

 And how can Buck say no to that?

 He nods wordlessly and allows himself to lean into Eddie, his eyes drifting shut. This is slowly exceeding the realm of best friend behavior, but Buck can’t find it in himself to care at the moment, especially when Eddie turns into him, resting his head on his shoulder.

 For now, he can have this.

 For once, he can be enough.