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anenbylittlepotato · 4 years ago

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The Bros + side dateables (Minus Luke) React to You Comparing Your Hand Sizes

Warnings: Very fluffy. Not for the faint of heart. You might die of cuteness. You have been warned.

You're sitting with this person just kind of chilling while you're both doing your own thing when you glance over at their hands. You wait a long enough pause in what they're doing before reaching over and taking their hand, holding it so that you can gently press your palm against theirs. Also, this is an MC who has relatively small hands so-

Lucifer

You're sitting beside him as he works, scrolling through your D.D.D.

After several hours of both of you sitting in silence, each doing your own thing, you finally look up from your D.D.D.

You look over at Lucifer, who's still completely absorbed in his work.

Then your eyes drift to his hands, the pen he's gripping gliding across the paper in front of him.

As you watch, he sets the pen down and starts stretching his fingers. You aren't surprised his hands are cramping. He's been writing for a long time now. You're probably the only person he would show this kind of weakness to, which makes you feel kind of special.

As you watch, an idea pops into your head. You set down your D.D.D. and gently grab his hand.

He's a little startled at first and gives you a quizzical look, but he doesn't stop you. At least it's a distraction from all of the bills Mammon has piled up.

You hold his gloved hand so that you can gently press your palm to his, lining your fingers up with his as well.

He has pretty big hands. They're not huge, but they're somewhat significantly bigger than yours.

He lets out a low rumbling laugh.

"What, exactly, are you doing, MC?"

"Comparing our hand sizes. You have really big hands."

He lets out another small laugh.

"Or perhaps you just have small hands."

And at that, he gently folds his hand over the top of your smaller one, almost as if proving his point about your tiny hands.

He then smiles and brings his other hand over to cup your cheek as he gently plants a kiss on your forehead.

Afterward, he lets go of your hand and goes back to work.

Mammon

You two are sitting together on the couch in his room.

You're both on your D.D.D. sending each other random memes that you find and giggling together.

And during one of the moments of quiet moments where you're both scrolling, you look over at him.

He's still absorbed in his D.D.D., a big, goofy grin plastered across his face as he scrolls through the memes.

Your eyes drift to his hands as his thumbs move, pausing every so often to read a meme, then moving on when he deems it unsuitable to send to you.

As you watch, he pauses on a particularly long meme. You take this chance to reach over and gently take the hand, pulling it toward you.

He immediately tenses and looks over at you, his face flushing bright red.

"H-Hey, just what do ya think you're doin', MC?"

Instead of answering, you move his hand so that the palm is facing upwards and you gently press your palm against his, making his fingers flatten out as you line your fingers up with his.

He watches you, his face red, his heart racing, and his fingers trembling ever-so-slightly.

His hands are probably not that big, only being a little bigger than yours.

"M-MC? What are ya doin'???"

You look at him and smile a little.

"Comparing our hand sizes. Yours are bigger than mine."

"H-Huh? Oh! W-well, of course, they are! Just shows how awesome I am! After all, I'm the GREAT Mammon!"

You laugh a little at his words.

"Yeah, yeah. It's just hand size. Doesn't make you any better or worse than me."

Then, without giving him a chance to respond, you curl your fingers between his, holding his hand.

That's it. He's dead. You've killed him.

His whole face is red and he's a flustered spluttering mess.

He literally cannot form a single coherent sentence. He's dying, help him.

It takes him a full 10 minutes just to calm down.

When he finally does, he turns his head away before gently holding your hand back.

You laugh a little at how flustered he is.

Leviathan

You guys are just chilling in his room together, sitting side by side. You're watching anime on your D.D.D. while he plays video games on his handheld console.

At the end of one of your episodes, you look up and glance over at Levi.

He's so entranced by his game that he doesn't even notice you looking at him. His brows are furrowed and his tongue is sticking out slightly in concentration.

You smile when he lets out a small cheer when he beats the level he's on. He leans back a little and lowers the game as he relishes in his victory.

Out of a random whim, you reach out and gently take his hand, pulling it toward you.

He jumps in surprise and lets out a small yelp as you turn his hand so you can flatten your palm against him.

His whole face turns red as you closely study your hands pressed together.

His hands are actually surprisingly big. Not big like Lucifer's but definitely bigger than yours.

"M-MC! Wha-what are you d-d-doing?!"

In response, you look at him and smile.

"I'm comparing our hand sizes. Yours are actually pretty big."

He covers his face with his other hand, not moving the one you have away.

"Wh-what a normie thing to do, MC… I guess it's to be expected from a normie like you…"

You were literally just watching anime but okay-

When he notices you look a little downcast at his insults, he frantically tries to apologize.

"W-wait no! I- I didn't mean that I'm sorry!"

When you look back at him, he smiles at you a little.

He was so focused on trying to apologize, he didn't even notice that you'd curled your fingers around his hand.

When does realize, though, he's immediately back to being a flustered, stuttery mess.

You broke him.

Leviathan.exe has stopped working.

Satan

You're both sitting in his room, on his bed together.

Both of you are reading books. You're reading a really interesting fantasy book he'd recommended to you. Meanwhile, he's reading a book about cats.

At the end of the chapter you're on, you sigh and lower the book, processing what you just read. You cannot believe that just happened to the main character.

While you're doing that, you glance over at Satan. He's still very much absorbed in his book.

As you watch, he takes one hand away from the book, shifting it so that he can balance it in one hand, and brings the other up to his chin, rubbing it as if he were deep in thought.

Then, just as he's reaching back down to turn the page, you set your book down and reach out and gently grab his hand.

He blinks, shocked, and looks over at you curiously as you gently press your palm to his. His cheeks flush a little.

His hands are only a little bigger than yours. They're still a little bigger than Mammon's though.

"MC? What are you doing?"

"Comparing our hand sizes."

He looks down at the two of your hands.

"I see. It seems my hands are a bit bigger than yours, huh?"

You nod a little, smiling at him.

Then he glances at his book before looking back at you.

"Now… I can't exactly turn the pages with one hand, can I?"

You laugh and reach over with your other hand, turning the page of his book yourself.

He chuckles a little and thanks you as he curls his fingers around yours.

Asmodeus

You're both sitting on his bed while he's looking at his reflection in a mirror, applying makeup.

He's going to do yours next, so you're scrolling through pictures on his D.D.D. as you try to decide what look you want.

When you finally find a look that you like, you click the image and set the D.D.D. down to wait for Asmo to finish his own makeup. While you wait, you look up and watch him apply his makeup, carefully applying the pink lipstick.

When he's finished, he caps the lipstick and sets it down on the bed beside him while admiring his work.

Then, just as he's bringing his hand back up to the mirror, you grab his hand, careful not to touch his freshly painted nails.

He looks over at you quizzically at first, then he smiles at you.

"Aw, do you want my attention~? Don't worry, I'll get to you in a moment, darling."

Without responding, you press your palm to his, lining up your fingers.

Asmo has pretty small hands, being about the same size as yours, maybe even a little smaller.

He looks a little confused as he watches you study your hands.

"What are you doing, dear?"

"Comparing our hands' sizes. You have small hands."

He laughs at that.

"Oh, you are just so cute!"

He takes his hand from yours and gently taps your nose with his index finger.

"Come now, show me what you have picked out there."

He picks up his D.D.D. and looks at the image you have up.

"Ooh! Good choice! Now come here, love."

And with that, he starts working on your makeup.

Beelzebub

You're sitting in his lap on his bed. He has his chin resting on top of your head as he munches on one of the many bags of chips you two had bought earlier. You're looking at recipes online, trying to figure out what to make for breakfast tomorrow since it'll be your turn to cook.

Soon, Beel has finished his current bag of chips and he sets the empty bag aside. You glance at his hand as he reaches out to grab another bag.

You smile a little and set down the D.D.D and gently take his hand, laughing inwardly at the feeling of his greasy fingers.

He's a little shocked by this action.

"Huh? MC, what is it?"

You gently press your palm against his.

"Comparing our hand sizes."

Oh boy, does this boy have some big hands.

Very large hands.

Definitely bigger than yours. By quite a bit, actually.

You giggle a little as he moves his head down to rest on your shoulder to get a better look at your guys' hands.

"Your hands are so big, Beel."

He laughs, and you can feel the sound in his chest, vibrating you a little bit.

Then he closes his hand around yours.

"Well, yours are pretty small. At least compared to mine. I like that. It's easier to hold them."

Then, he cups your cheek and gently kisses your lips before taking his hand away from yours and finally grabbing that next bag of chips.

Belphegor

You and Belphie are sitting on your bed together. He's sitting beside you with his arms wrapped around your middle and his face nuzzled into the crook of your neck, half asleep. Meanwhile, you're in the middle of sewing up a hole in his pillow that he'd somehow managed to tear. Not surprising, seeing as he carries it everywhere. And, of course, it was Mammon's fault, even though you have a sneaking suspicion that it was everyone's fault. So now you're his new pillow until it's fixed. You have no choice. Deal with it.

After a while, you have to set down the needle and thread and stretch your cramping fingers. Sewing is painful-

He notices your pause and lifts his head, looking at you.

"Is it done yet?"

"Not quite. I still have a little ways to go. But I need a little break. My hands are starting to cramp."

He then grabbed the pillow and peered at the mostly sewn tear.

"Huh. You weren't lying when you said you could sew. That's actually pretty good."

You laugh a little as you watch him start to pull his hand away. Without thinking, you gently grab his hand.

He blinks and looks at you as you press your palm to his.

His hands are a decent size. Not big, but decently bigger than yours.

"MC… you're being weird again."

"No, I'm not. I'm comparing our hand sizes."

He looks back down at your hands.

"Hehehehe, mine are bigger. You have small hands. Baby hands."

Baby Hands is your nickname now.

You have no choice.

He will now call you Baby Hands any chance he gets, just to see how frustrated you get with him.

He is pure evil. A gremlin man. Stinky bastard man.

Diavolo

You're sitting in his lap as he works. You're drinking tea made by Barbatos.

You watch as he writes papers and signs forms while sipping your tea.

Soon he's finished a full stack of the papers. He leans back with a sigh, wrapping his arms around you.

"I think it's about time I could take a break now. I made quite a bit of progress."

You lean your head back so you can look up at him, smiling. Big man

He grins right back at you.

Then you look down at his hands placed gently on your belly. One of his thumbs is moving, gently rubbing your belly.

You softly grab one of his hands. He's a little surprised, but he's more curious and leans down to watch what you do.

You gently press your palm to him. He tilts his head like a confused puppy, trying to understand what, exactly, you're doing.

BIG HANDS. BIG HANDS BIG HANDS BIG HANDS.

This man's hands. Are Fuckign. Enormous.

He has such big hands. The biggest. Bigger than Beel's.

They fucking engulf yours.

Big hands for a big man ig

"Is this some kind of human world tradition?"

He asks that question so earnestly I can't-

You laugh.

"No, no. I'm just comparing our hand sizes. Yours are huge."

This time it's his turn to laugh.

"Yes, I suppose they are."

He then brings your hand up to his lips and kisses the back of it.

Barbatos

You're sitting beside him while he folds laundry that just came out of the dryer. You're sipping some milk tea that he'd made you.

You're watching him as he works. Every fold was so meticulous and pristine. It's almost mesmerizing.

As you watch, he pauses briefly to let out a breath before immediately reaching to grab another article of clothing.

Before he can though, you gently take his hand.

He looks at you, not really surprised, as he likely saw this coming.

He watches quietly as you gently press your palm to his.

His hands are bigger than yours but they're not particularly large.

He smiles softly as he watches you.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

You look at him and smile a little.

"Yeah, I suppose so."

"I'm glad. I really do like seeing you enjoying yourself."

You look back down at your hands.

"I was comparing our hand sizes! Yours are bigger than mine."

"I can see that."

He takes his other hand and places it on top of yours, smiling softly. He rubs the back of your hand with his thumb.

"Now, I must get back to work. I have many more things I must get to."

He kisses the back of your hand swiftly before returning to his laundry folding.

Don't worry, guys, I'm still adding Simeon and Solomon, I just... Couldn't fit them in this post. I'll be adding them in a reblog

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whentherewerebicycles · 4 years ago

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You seem to be really amazing at executing planned changes with food and exercise (and also generally better psychological habits) - can i ask for advice on this? I’ve finished up studying for now and realise my body has turned into a twisted up, pudgy, weakened wreck! Exercise hurts and sugar/processed food feels so cosy and I can’t seem to get through this part where i have to feel discomfort for a while before i feel better!

What works for you? Should i read that atomic habits book you mention? I saw another one recommended - the Kindness Habit - do you know anything about it?

(I tried journaling btw - but it didn’t get me anywhere)

hello!! i can share some things that have worked for me when it comes to implementing longer-term changes in diet and exercise. these seem really simple but i think that actually making big lifestyle changes is much less about summoning up colossal amounts of willpower and much more about making small but important tweaks to the way you think about/approach diet and exercise. here are five things that have been helpful to me.

(1) don’t think of diet changes in terms of restrictions (i.e., “what delicious cozy sugary things do i have to deprive myself of today to be Good”). instead, approach diet changes as a fun little game of adding in as many good things as possible (fruits, veggies, leafy green things, nuts of all kinds, whole grains, beans, etc.). every single time you are preparing a meal or looking for a snack, describe it to yourself as a chance to be creative and resourceful, as you think about fun ways to add in small good things every time you eat. especially in the early weeks, don’t restrict foods from your diet at all. focus solely on finding a creative way to add in something healthy and delicious every time you eat. (i really liked using the daily dozen checklist when i was starting out—they have an app and it’s very satisfying and fun to see how many things you can check off the list each day.)

(2) narrate this “adding-in” game aloud to yourself. for example: “oh—what if i eat a big handful of berries on top of that ice cream?”, or “i’m hungry—ooh, there are carrots in the fridge, aren’t there? i’ll eat three carrots with hummus before i switch over to pita chips”). and every time you figure out a creative way to add in a good food, stop and observe yourself doing it, and let yourself feel a little spark of delight at how clever and creative you’re being. this sounds silly, but i swear it works! part of changing your habits is changing self-talk & especially changing the kind of running narrative you have in your head about who you are and what you do. you can change that narrative in part by repeatedly reframing the way you tell it to yourself, ideally aloud (or aloud in your head) to help you can better “hear” and internalize the new story. instead of ��ugh... i ate ice cream again. why don’t i have any self-control? why am i someone who just eats like crap?”, you’re offering your brain an alternate story, one that focuses less on things you perceive yourself as lacking, or on things you ‘failed’ to do, and more on the creative, positive things you did do (“i wasn’t going to eat any fruit today, but wasn’t it great that i remembered we had those frozen berries in the fridge? that’s pretty creative and resourceful of me, and plus it’s a good way to use up something i’d forgotten i even had”).

the “noticing and feeling delighted” part is just as important. to successfully change a habit, you need to find creative ways to make the new habit pleasurable in and of itself. the more pleasure you feel when you do it, the more self-reinforcing the habit itself becomes. you might not experience eating healthy foods as intensely pleasurable (at least at first, especially if you are comparing them with the intense brain-hacking pleasure that super sugary foods give us). so don’t try! instead, focus on making the choice a source of pleasure and delight. "look at how clever i was! look at how creative i can be! look at what a good choice i made! look at how good i am at this game of adding in!” that act of stopping, narrating, and letting yourself feel genuinely pleased with what you’ve just done makes the choice to add something in pleasurable, which in turn can help fuel your sense that this isn’t about having iron willpower or about cruelly depriving yourself of delicious things, but is about playing a fun little game with yourself, creating little challenges or puzzles for yourself throughout the day and then giving yourself positive reinforcement when you figure them out.

(3) manage your environment to set yourself up for success. to paraphrase the atomic habits book: the people who seem to have the best willpower are the people who have to exercise it the least. and they have to exercise it the least because they’ve very effectively managed their environment, arranging things so that the desired choices are easy and “frictionless,” while the undesired choices or habits are more inconvenient or introduce more friction (it’s harder to get to them).

the easy starter version of this (from atomic habits): put the things you want to eat in highly visible places and/or in appealing arrangements, and put the things you don't want to eat in places that aren't visible or that are inconvenient to access. ice cream goes in the very back of the fridge, buried behind all the other stuff. nuts go in a bowl on your desk so that you can idly snack on them while you work. apples and bananas go in a big brightly colored bowl right on the counter, so that every time you pass through the kitchen your eyes are drawn to them. chips go in the bottom cupboard, the one below eye level that you don't use very often, and when you get them out you pour some into a bowl and put them right back in there (instead of leaving the bag out on the counter). make the choice you want to make easy, and make the choice you don't want to make harder to get to.

eventually, the most effective way of managing your environment is just to exercise total control over what comes into your own living space. for me, if i don’t want to eat it, i don’t have it in the house. i typically also place a curbside delivery grocery order so that i don’t have to go into the store—anything that comes into my house is something i made a deliberate choice about ordering, not something i wandered by a shelf and added to my cart because i wanted a treat. something i’ve learned about myself over the years that moderation is just not in my vocabulary—i’m an all-or-nothing person, and it’s SO much easier for me to just not have stuff i don’t want to eat in the house. no ice cream in the house. no alcohol in the house. no fried things, no chips, no candy, etc etc. if someone kindly brings me baked goods that i did not ask for, i genuinely appreciate the gesture, but as soon as they leave i give them to my next door neighbor or dump them in the trash. (SORRY TO PEOPLE WHO BAKE FOR ME!) if it's in the house i'll eat it. if it's not, i won't, and i also won't miss it.

i did do this pretty gradually at first, though! when i switched to a primarily whole food plant-based diet, i focused on playing the adding-in game for a couple weeks, and then when i started getting competitive about it i decided to use my grocery order as a way of creatively boosting my fruit/veggie/etc consumption even more, and in the process i started winnowing out things that took away chances to add in a good thing. i would say it took about three or four weeks to get to my personal ideal state of Nope I Don't Have It In The House.

it takes time, but i’d say that within a month of having only things you want to eat in the house, your cravings will be gone, at least within your own managed environment (going to restaurants or traveling DOES require you to exercise willpower, but there are ways to prepare for this in advance). the good news, though, is that 6-8 months or so of eating like this usually brings with it such improved sleep, mood, energy levels, skin, hair, GI function, etc etc that you start to be like oh my GOD why would i want to eat that horrifying thing?? I KNOW HOW BAD IT MAKES ME FEEL!! I WANT TO POWER MY BODY WITH PLANTS!!!!! in other words, the pleasurable side effects of eating well becomes positively reinforcing in its own right, while the negative effects you experience when you reintroduce sugar or fried things tends to reinforce the idea that those foods Feel Bad.

(4) it's not exercise, it's movement. i too used to hate exercise and found it extremely painful and tedious and horrible. so instead of exercising i just started moving. i canceled my membership at the local dog bar, where i had been taking my dog almost every day to let him run off excess energy, and started talking short walks with him twice a day instead. if you don’t have a dog, offer to walk your friends’ dogs—trust me they will lose their MINDS with joy lol. i think that starting to build in regular walks is the best way to get active again, because walking is typically quite pleasant and it becomes positively reinforcing to like, wave at the same neighbors every day, and see the cute kids next door running around, and notice all the ways that the trees and flowers are changing, and so on.

if you do not find being outside inherently pleasurable (sometimes i do not lol esp if i’m grumpy about having to walk the dog), tie another pleasurable activity to your daily walk. i listen to about six hours’ worth of hockey podcasts a week and i am only allowed to listen to them on my walks, so i end up looking forward to the walk because i’m desperate to hear people talk about My Guys. you can also walk with friends, or call a friend while you’re walking, which is even better than podcasts!! social walks are so much fun and go by so much more quickly. i started out just doing daily 15 min walks, and over the past couple years have built up to walking between 60-90 min a day when i’m at home. sometimes i hate/dread my walk; sometimes i love it and look forward to it. but regardless of how i’m feeling, i do it every day and if i miss it once, i don’t miss it a second time.

as far as activity goes, i think it’s totally ok to just be a person who walks a lot! but i’ve found that becoming someone who walked a lot helped change my own narrative of myself—I started to think of myself as a walker, an active person who moved a lot every day. and that made it easier to pick up other forms of activity too, or at least to adopt a curious, exploratory attitude towards other forms of movement. also once you start tracking your active minutes you tend to get quite competitive about it! or at least i do, lol. i keep a note on my phone where i write down the date + type of activity + total number of minutes I did after every burst of activity, then at the end of the week i add it all up and compare it to the previous weeks. it makes me want to do more, to beat my own numbers—or it makes me want to keep up a streak (like, if i have a five-week period where i’ve consistently hit a certain level of active minutes every week, i don’t want to break it!!).

my biggest suggestion for exercise, though, is to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy and what kinds of things you don’t, and then to spend all your time doing things you like. i HATE structured fitness classes and workout videos. i hate them so much!!!!!!!! but i love being outside, i love doing solo activities (as opposed to group workouts), and i love doing any form of movement that doesn’t feel like a Planned Workout, capital w. also becoming a hockey fan got me really interested in skating, so i picked up rollerblades and found that to be amazingly fun too (something i can do outside AND something that feels like gliding around effortlessly AND something that makes me feel closer to My Favorite Guys!!!!). you may not have passionate feelings about hockey fandom as i do, but i think it’s really just about being creative—finding a creative way to link something you don’t love to something you do love, or find pleasurable, so that you can start forging those positive associations.

i spent my first couple years of being more active just walking walking walking, and then this past year during the pandemic when i really ramped up my movement i added in longer walks, hikes, and rollerblading, and i also looked for ways to “habit-stack,” ie attaching an activity i don’t much care for (running; exercise biking indoors; doing squats and lunges) to one i do enjoy (i take my tennis shoes when i go skating and then go for a run immediately afterwards, before i have time to talk myself out of it). there are still all kinds of things i don’t do—i really don’t love strength training + bodyweight exercises yet, and i hate stretching even though I Know I Should, and i know that if i want to get stronger and faster, or build up my endurance, i will eventually need to introduce some element of structured training into my daily movement.

BUT the idea of making those changes seems kind of cool to me now, instead of Horrifying and Dread-Inducing! i feel like all the positive associations i’ve forged have made me more curious and open to ideas i would’ve resisted with my whole being not all that long ago. i found a way to make movement pleasurable, and then (thanks to sports fandom + my tendency to go down research rabbitholes) i found a way to get myself intellectually and emotionally engaged in the general concept of being a highly active person. for me, that combination of real pleasure + intellectual/emotional stimulation is what i personally need to build & maintain good habits.

(also, just shoehorning this in at the end because i like it: the “it’s movement, not exercise” mindset shift was also really helpful to me because it stopped me from thinking of exercise as like, this highly structured, regimented, torturous thing you forced yourself through for a set period of time each day, and helped me instead think of movement as something that humans are designed to do & to naturally enjoy. instead of Forcing Myself to Exercise, i looked for more natural-feeling forms of movement that didn’t feel so artificially divided from my “real life.” i think that helped with reframing my self-narrative, too! it made being active feel more integrated into my daily life, which in turn made it easier to think of myself as an active person, someone for whom movement was just a normal part of daily life and not a thing i had to psych myself up to do every day.)

(5) it takes time to build good habits, but not nearly as much time as you might think, and eventually you stop thinking about how long you’ve been doing something and you just start enjoying it (ie it becomes a genuine change in your lifestyle/thinking, not an artificial thing you have to work hard every day to maintain).

i am not yet AN ATHLETE and may never be, but i often remind myself that it took me a little under 30 years to build up a PROFOUND aversion to exercise, so it’s actually kind of miraculous that in just two years i’ve become someone who genuinely, earnestly, enthusiastically enjoys being active and feels antsy/weird/restless when i can’t get out of the house and move. every small stride i’ve made has strengthened my trust in myself and helped me reframe the narrative i tell myself about what kind of person i am and what i do/don’t do. every time i do the thing (whether it’s exercising or making a delicious healthy dinner) & happily notice myself doing it, i reaffirm to myself that i’m the kind of person who takes care of my body and mind by eating well and spending lots of time moving outside. (as a side benefit, when i spend a lot of time happily noticing things and speaking encouragingly to myself, i also reaffirm to myself that i am a happy person who treats myself kindly and who is always eagerly seeking out experiences that feel joyful and life-affirming.)

plus, the more often you do something, the more opportunities you have to have positive experiences while doing it! not every walk is AMAZING, LIFE-CHANGING, DEEPLY FULFILLING, but like, if i am walking seven days a week, that’s seven opportunities for something cool or fun to happen on a walk (not to mention seven opportunities to reap all the physiological & emotional well-being benefits of exercise!!). and if i am really conscious and intentional about noticing and actively delighting in those positive experiences, i help wire in those positive associations more deeply, and my brain/body increasingly comes to associate movement with happiness, joy, and fulfillment. as the habit of being more active becomes fulfilling in and of itself, i don’t have to expend as much energy tricking or cajoling or bribing myself into doing it.

i hope this helps!! i am literally always happy to write extremely long essays in respond to simple anon questions, lol, so if you want to talk more about your own ideas for building better habits please do share!! i can also rec you specific books that i’ve found really useful—both for just like, helping me figure out how to make big changes, and also for providing that intellectual stimulation that gets me more engaged in wanting to eat well & be more active.

(also, on the extremely slim chance that you are also a hockey fan: over in my fandom sphere, we are organizing a fun summer thing inspired by one of our fave hockey players, where we’ll be planning lots of fun fannish community things to get ourselves moving this summer. it’s going to be a good time!!)

#food #movement #mw

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0ffgun · 5 years ago

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Alright so!! I got some requests from people for me to make a post with tips on how I self-study my languages, so here we are! It’s not perfect and everyone studies differently, but I hope some of these tips can help you out.

Personally I study Korean & Thai so this list is aimed at those but a lot of the study tips are pretty general and can be applied to whatever language you’re learning.

I’m an energetic puppy in human form - I simply CANNOT sit still and study for longer than 20 minutes before getting insanely restless and distracted, so I tend to only actually sit down and actively study once a week. If you’re expecting something clever and insightful this is absolutely the opposite of that... I basically trick myself into learning! So here is my silly little guide, let’s go!

General Tips:

★ Get ridiculous with sticky notes. Seriously, do it. If you’re just starting out and don’t know the words for all of those household objects then go ahead and scribble them down on those post its and stick them EVERYWHERE. It might drive your family members/roommates crazy but hey... you’re doing it for a good cause, right?

★ Don’t rely on romanization too much - if your language has its own writing system, focus on that using as much as you can. Romanization seems helpful but in the long run you’ll rely on it too much. It’s better to get familiar with the native writing system asap!

★ Pick out a word/phrase of the day and write it somewhere you’ll see it often. I have a whiteboard in my room that I’ll scribble a few phrases onto and then every time I walk past it, I’ll say them. Or if I’m not gonna be home all day then I write something on my wrist and glance at it throughout the day! This one is the most fun because when people see it they’re like “ooh that looks pretty!” or “ooh does it mean something deep and profound?” when in reality you have the phrase I like cheese written on your arm and it never stops being entertaining. Bonus points if someone native to that language reads it and looks at you like you’re crazy.

★ Say the words in silly voices. It sounds weird but if you’re sitting there repeating words (like the word banana, for example) from an app in a monotone voice you’re definitely less likely to remember it than if you’re yelling out “BANANA!!” in an opera voice or squeaking out “b an a n a” dramatically as you let go of Jack’s hand and let him sink into the ocean.

★ Don’t isolate vocabulary. Learning new words is great, but it’s useless and you’re more likely to forget it if you don’t learn to use it in a sentence.

★ Keep a diary! One of the absolute best ways to practice your writing and improve your skills is to just jot down a few things every now and then. It’ll be rusty and you won’t have much to say at first and will definitely keep needing that dictionary every 2 seconds, but after a few weeks you’ll really notice the difference. Buy pretty pens and stickers to motivate yourself to write in it! It’s also fun to do this around people who can’t speak it as they’ll look at it in awe and you can show off when in actual fact your writing is usually a clumsy scribbled “today I snacks eat and go sleep” but hey what they don’t know can’t hurt and it’s always fun to look like a genius.

★ Talk to your pets in that language. They’re not going to judge you, they actually don’t even care what you say as long as you say it in that entertaining pet voice. I don’t have any friends that speak Korean or Thai so the majority of my speaking practice is hurled at my dog. If you don’t have a pet, then plants or stuffed animals work perfectly too!

★ Listen to language podcasts while you do household chores, heck if you’ve gotta do something boring, might as well yell foreign words while you do it!

★ Change your phone settings to your target language. That way you’re literally forcing yourself to use it, and it becomes second nature and you pick up key words so quickly. Only do it if you know how to get back into your settings and change it back if you have to... or else you’re stuck and lost.

★ Listen to music and sing a lot. Just scream those lyrics! A little off-key screeching never hurt anybody!

★ Get comfortable with numbers. They’re something that is dominant in ALL languages and you’re going to use them on a daily basis. Start with learning how to count to ten and get comfortable with it, and then go higher. Once you’re used to numbers individually, make it harder. I used to get my mum to write out 10 random numbers between 1 to 10,000 in the morning and I would translate them, and then I would do the same for myself in the evening. After a while you get quicker at them and before you know it you don’t have to awkwardly translate them in your head anymore, the numbers are just there ready in your brain.

★ Don’t only watch dramas! Watch more natural stuff too - variety shows, vlogs, instagram lives... anything where people are just chatting like they normally would do. That way you’re subconsciously learning more casual speech patterns and casual language too!

★ Don’t just study at home! Always make sure you have a dictionary handy (like on your phone, for example!) and keep your brain busy while you’re out and about. Buying some groceries? Try to name everything in the fruit and vegetable aisles and if you don’t know the name of something, look it up! You’re more likely to remember vocab this way as your brain has a situation to associate it to.

★ Be mean and make yourself work for things you normally do - check your horoscope on a regular basis? Read it in your new language instead! Want to check out the weather forecast? Do it the hard way.

★ Don’t feel like studying? Not in the mood? Then don’t do it! Instead put on your favourite show in your study language of choice. Not every study session has to be a hard one. Just relax and watch a foreign movie! You have no idea how much your brain picks up without you even noticing, chilling out and watching a drama absolutely counts as studying. Don’t force yourself to study if you’re not feeling it, you’re more likely to learn if you’re having a good time.

Advanced Tips:

★ Get keyboard stickers - if your new language has a different alphabet and you use your laptop to study it a lot then you’re definitely gonna need these! You can buy them SUPER cheap on ebay!

★ Change the language on your Netflix account and get ready to binge watch your faves! If you change your profile language to the one that you’re studying, you’ll notice that a lot of the shows available will now show subtitles in that language too. If you’re pretty advanced then now is probably the time to drop your native subs and start watching with the original subtitles in the original language.. good luck!

★ Play Pokemon. When the latest Pokemon games started coming out with Korean language options I JUMPED at the chance - what better way to study than to just laze around playing video games? This is great for any other kinds of games you can snatch up in your target language too.

★ Read a favourite book in your new language. A common one is Harry Potter! It’s pretty much available in every language at this point and it’s a story you probably already know, which means you never get too lost because you know the plot already.

Resources:

Here are a bunch of apps and things that I use for studying that I find super helpful (and all of these are free!)

Drops (for Thai and Korean - available in both the apple store and the google play store) - I use this app every single day without fail. It’s brilliant for expanding your vocabulary (there are TONS of languages available on there too!) HOWEVER: It only lets you study for 5 minutes and then you have to wait around 9-ish hours before you gain another 5 minutes to work with unless you want to pay for more. But honestly? That’s a good thing. You only need 5 minutes of vocab study before your brain wants to dissolve into mush anyway. I get up, do my morning stuff (usually just involves rolling around and blinking in confusion before grabbing a coffee) and then sit and do 5 minutes of drops, and then by the evening my 5 minutes have replenished and I do it again. Rinse and repeat, and you’ll be learning more words in a week than you even realise!

Duolingo (I use this for Korean, there is currently no Thai option) - This app is fantastic. I don’t recommend it for beginners as it should be used as more of an aid alongside your natural studies, rather than as a study resource itself. This app expects you to already know the basics so I’d dig into this one once you’re starting to get a little comfortable with your language!

Naver Dictionary (for Korean) - I use this every single day! Not only does it help me when I need to find a certain word, it also gives me lists of example sentences which is PERFECT and super helpful when I’m trying to memorize words! And for Thai I use Thai-English Dictionary (I can only find it in the Apple store sadly) and that’s incredibly handy too, I wouldn’t be able to cope without it! I also use this website as a Thai dictionary when I’m not on my iPad!

Talk To Me In Korean (for Korean) - This has been a core element to my Korean studies. They have tons of lessons available on their website, they do regular YouTube videos (usually only 5-10 mins long, perfect for just a mini casual study session!) and they also sell textbooks and do podcasts too. If you learn best from textbooks then these are by far my favourite ones I’ve found, give them a try! They’re not too pricey.

Lingodeer (for Korean) - It’s cute, it’s friendly and it’s helpful!! I learned a bunch of new phrases using this one and it’s perfect for casual study!

Memrise (for Korean) - Fantastic if you’re a beginner! There are tons of languages available on here too. Although, there are only 3 levels in Korean so I got through this one pretty fast.

Eggbun (for Korean) - An app that encourages you to learn using a texting format! I haven’t really used it much but I have friends that have said it’s really useful!

Ling (for Thai and Korean) - This one was pretty good, once again though I wouldn’t use it if you’re a beginner, it’s probably a lot more helpful if you know the basics before you attempt this one! I’ve only used it for Thai but there’s a Korean option you could try checking it out!

Mondly (for Thai and Korean) - This app is cheeky and it wants your money. You get a bunch of free lessons to start with which are GREAT but that’s it. Then it reduces you to one free lesson a day but honestly? Still useful so go ahead and use it. They also have speaking practice available too!

Thai2English (for Thai) - This website is an absolute LIFESAVER!! If I’m ever browsing and come across a sentence that just throws me, I simply copy and paste and this legend of a website just breaks it down for me word for word.

Extra Korean links:

Children’s books in Korean

Learning Korean through fairytales - a textbook used in Korea for children who are learning to read, it’s helpful as a Korean language learner too! You get a little story and then it’ll ask you questions about what you just read.

TOPIK previous exams - these are so good for practice and if you want to get a general idea of what academic level your Korean skills are at.

Learning to type in Hangul - this one was fun and I now type Korean pretty comfortably on my laptop so if you know you’re gonna be typing a lot, I recommend this program!

#the way I learn languages is so weird I am so SORRY #I kinda just implement my language into my daily life and it works perfectly for me... I hope this is helpful to at least ONE person djgsjk #thai resources are sadly not that common but I'll add more if I find them!#language studies

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sierraraeck · 4 years ago

Text

Return to Normalcy (Pt.1)

BAU x OC Aundreya

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Summary: Returning to normal has never been so hard. Just as Aundreya is starting to make amends and fit back in with the group, something gets in the way. Story twenty-two.

Category: Angst, but there’s some fluff too

Warnings: Cussing. CM talk. Mentions of death and suicide as a COD. Break-ins.

Word Count: 5.5k

It was odd, how quickly things seemed to go back to ‘normal.’ It was a new sort of normal, like if you’d moved out of your house and years later the new owners invited you over for dinner, but it felt familiar nonetheless.

It seemed to me that we were all more focused on the cases coming in, and while the rest of the team still went out for drinks after a long case, I no longer took part. It didn’t feel right, and above that, I had to get home and prepare for whatever new guest decided to grace me with their presence.

The nice way of saying that people were breaking into my apartment.

It started the Monday I had returned to work with the BAU. Once we got home, my apartment was trashed with a lovely note carved into my bedside table letting me know that this was only going to get worse. I had no motive for them either, but I had three guesses: they were working for DeLeon, they were working for Archer, or they were working for me. If they were working for me, they were probably pissed that I went back to the BAU, or they were clients that held a grudge.

Either way, it didn’t really matter, because if I wasn’t already having trouble sleeping, I definitely was now. I never knew what day, what time, or how many people there’d be. I hate to call it a game, but that was honestly what it’d become. I tried to track their pattern, but they were good, keeping everything very random. I started making bets with myself about the day, time, and number of people, just to keep things interesting.

I walked into work with new bruises and cuts all the time. I tried my best to cover them up, but I wasn’t stupid, and I didn’t believe my teammates were blind. But none of them pushed, they only ever gave me weird looks, which I promptly ignored.

It wasn’t until I was so tired and in pain that I couldn’t do my job correctly.

I was chasing down and unsub, but I couldn’t keep up. He turned a corner and when I followed, ambushed me. We started fighting, but I couldn’t hold my own. Had it not been for Derek following me and shooting him off of me, that man would have strangled me with his bare hands. Only then did Hotch pull me aside.

“Chambers, what is going on with you?” he had those stern, yet caring eyes trained on me.

“Do you want the real version, or the boss version?” I sarcastically asked. He raised his eyebrows slightly. “I’m having trouble sleeping. I wake up every night from nightmares if I’m lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place.”

“Do you expect me to buy that, or do you also fight your furniture in your sleep?” he asked.

“I do expect you to buy that, because it’s true,” I shot back.

“But that’s not everything,” Hotch pointed out.

I shrugged, “It’s close enough.”

“Chambers,” he warned.

“I’m okay,” I assured.

“You almost died today in hand to hand combat. I’ve never seen you even come close to losing to someone in that area. You beat Morgan on a regular, and he’s one of the best fighters I know,” Hotch acknowledged, “What is going on?”

“Hotch, please-”

“I will ask you to take time off if this is not something that can be solved.”

“No!” I barely let him finish, “You cannot confine me to my apartment.”

He gave me a quick once over, and I tried my best to look composed. “I will order you to tell me if things get worse.” I nodded and gave a small ‘thank you’ before walking away.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

I did everything I could to prepare for the intruders, but it was another long night. I was never sure if they were out to kill me or just scare me, but it usually ended up with me fighting two or three people at the same time. Usually they fled before things got too serious, but I ended up having to drag out a body every now and then.

Last night was no different, fighting two masked people until they decided to leave. The one upside of all the constant fighting after a while, was that it was allowing me to sleep better. I was so exhausted by the time I was done, that I could actually get three or four solid hours of sleep. Ironic how the same problem causing part of my lack of sleep, could also help me sleep.

The one thing different about last night, though, was that I finally got a look at one of their faces, unmasked and alive. It wasn’t much, but it was something to go off of.

I convinced Garcia to help me find someone who was hopefully in the system. I gave her a description; a man in his early thirties, red curly hair, about five foot eleven, scar behind his ear. She pulled up known felons and those in the prison system, but none of them were him. I didn’t want to have to raise suspicion by asking her to do it, but I had to know who was coming after me. So I went out on a limb and asked her to search for people in the Bureau, and those who worked closely with Agent Howard Archer.

And then I saw him. Some new assistant of Archer’s that also happened to work for the MI6 before moving to the US.

I played it off to Penelope, but I now knew who was coming after me. He must have been nearly as pissed as DeLeon was about Xena, and even more so about the fact that I weaseled my way out of charges, out of DeLeon’s grasp (if he knew about that), and all the way back to the BAU.

But I had a plan, one that would grant me more peace, and help keep the BAU team together.

Things just worked out even better than expected when Emily accidentally dropped information to one of the deputies that was helping his son get away with muder. Not like I wanted her to make a mistake, she was already feeling more guilty about it that she needed to, and I did want to be there for her, but it also just so happened to serve a bigger purpose as well.

We boarded the jet on our way home after using a couple extra days to catch the deputy and his son. Emily sat by herself in the back, clearly beating herself up. I saw JJ say something and squeeze her shoulder, but Emily was not having it. I gave her the first half of the trip to wallow, and then made my move.

I approached her seat and went to sit down when she waved me off, “Chambers, I really can’t go through another ‘it’s okay we still got him’ pep talk right now.”

I sat down right next to her and put my feet up on the other seat. I crossed my arms over my chest, mimicking her movement, and said, “Nah, man, I came over here to tell you that you majorly fucked up. Didn’t you hear? If you’re in the FBI and wrongfully trust your fellow law enforcement officers who are supposed to be helping you catch the bad guy, you’re immediately terminated?” She glared at me from the corner of her eye and I smirked, “I’m serious, Emily. If you ever make a mistake and then end up solving the whole case for us like that again, I think we might just have to fire you.”

“You’re hilarious,” she deadpanned.

“No, not really,” I smiled, “I only think I am when I’m massively sleep deprived and my badass coworker makes the coolest unsub takedown of the century.” She rolled her eyes. I looked across the aisle to where JJ was seated and asked, “Come on, JJ. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” JJ absentmindedly sang, not even bothering to look up from her magazine, “It’s not like she launched through the air, tackled him, and rolled on the ground a couple of times before handcuffing him from her position on top, then stood up like it was nothing.”

I shrugged, turning my attention back to Emily, “Ooh! So, does this mean, now that you’re obviously leaving, that I will be the best at the shooting range?”

“Okay, please stop,” Emily finally spoke back up. She still wouldn’t look at me, but I could see the beginning of a smile creeping up on her face.

I lightly poked her in the side, and she finally cracked a smile, looking over at me. “Look, historically I’m not the greatest at giving pep talks, but I’ve fucked up enough time to know the usual bullshit that they entail, and I know that not a single ounce of it is helpful. It’s gonna feel crappy for a while, that’s just how it goes, but trust me when I say that you have a lot more to be proud of than slipping up once in your seven years of being with the FBI. Not to mention that you personally got to kick his ass anyway.”

“Yeah, but,” she shook her head, “next time, things might not end as lucky.”

“God damn it, Emily,” I tsked playfully, “You’re starting to sound like me. And I can tell you with confidence, being me, that I do not recommend that path.”

“I appreciate what you’re saying but-”

“But you don’t want to come out with me and the girls tonight,” I sighed, posing it more like a statement than a question. “I get it.”

JJ perked up at this, and asked, “What is this you’re saying about girls night?”

“Oh, I guess it’s not that exciting. Emily doesn’t seem interested,” I feigned a grimace, reaching into my pocket to produce five ticket.

“What are those?” Emily asked.

I hummed, “I guess I’ll have to sell yours, or refund it or something, you know, since you don’t want to come out with us.”

“Aundreya, I swear to god,” Emily started, reaching for the tickets in my hand. I jerked them back, but Tara yanked one from my grasp.

“Alanis Morissette? Are you for real?” she asked.

“Dead serious,” I grinned.

I turned to Emily whose mouth was agape, “How’d you know? I’ve been trying to see her for years, but we always have a case!”

“Look, we have tonight and then the extended weekend off. I figured we could get some sleep this afternoon, get ready, go out to dinner, and then go to the concert,” I suggested.

“Absolutely!” Emily’s excitement was enough to make all of us smile, “This is amazing. Does Garcia know?”

“Does she ever,” I murmured. “She nearly wrecked the surprise about twelve times already!”

The girls laughed, and the prospect of getting away and doing something fun seemed to put everyone in a much better mood.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

I woke up on Garcia’s floor completely exhausted. But for once, it was a happy exhaustion. No break ins, no nightmares, just the five of us girls having the night of our lives. I checked the time, and the brightness of my phone blinded my eyes. The time read 9:24, and my head hurt a little, but I knew how to drink. Emily and Tara would be fine by the end of the day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if JJ and Penelope were hungover until the weekend was over.

I started cleaning up the place, trying my best not to make any sound or knock into any bottles. When it felt sufficiently cleaned, and I did everything I thought I could that would be quiet, I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. Emily was the next up, and walked into the kitchen rubbing her eyes and holding an empty tequila bottle. She placed it in the trash, then walked over to where I was flipping pancakes.

“Damn, aren’t you tired?” she asked.

I gave her a look. “I’ve adjusted to the constant pounding in my head.”

“Right,” she rasped, “I forgot. You’ve got that super power that allows you not to be affected by drugs and alcohol and stuff.”

I just nodded. “How was it, though?”

She looked at me confused for a moment, before realizing I was talking about the concert. “Aundreya, it was amazing. I can’t believe you did that for us.”

I shrugged, “I just figured we all needed a break.”

“Amen,” Tara said, finishing the last of her beer before placing the empty bottle on the counter.

“Beer before pancakes?” Emily asked.

“My head already hurts, I don’t think another swig’ll change that,” she pointed out. When the other two woke up, we ate breakfast and finished cleaning Peleope’s apartment. It was the first time since I’d been back that I actually did something with the group, and it was actually really fun. We were all Alanis Morissette fans, so we practically screamed the lyrics all night. Not one of us could talk properly, our vocal chords probably wrecked for eternity.

When we finished up, we all decided to head back to our own places. I dreaded leaving, knowing that there was a 50 percent chance that mine was raided yet again.

I was the last one out, and right as I was about to leave, I felt Penelope’s eyes on me. She’d been acting a little strange around me the entire night, and I was wondering if she was ever going to talk to me about it. I turned around to face her and saw that she was looking at me with very nervous eyes. I offered her a small smile, hoping that she would come out with it on her own.

When she just kept looking at me, shifting her eyes between me and the door, I carefully asked, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she quickly said, seeming to pull out of her thoughts. “Sorry to keep you. You can head home if you need to.” She rushed over to me and started to open the door but I slightly leaned back on the door so she couldn’t fully pull it open.

“If you want me to leave, I will,” I looked her straight in the eyes, “But if you have something to say, or ask, please do. I don’t want you to be nervous to talk to me.”

She struggled for the right words for a moment before she sighed. “Do you want to sit?” I nodded and followed her to the couch. She took another deep breath before starting, “It’s about your ring of people.”

“Okay…” I invited her to continue.

“Um, Deen, that’s his name right? Deen?” I nodded, “Well, he mentioned something to me about you wanting to recruit me before I got offered a job at the FBI.”

I pressed my lips together with understanding. Of course Deen would slip up when it came to ‘The Black Queen.’ I already knew he had a not so little crush on her, and now that he’d met her, he wouldn’t shut up. “Yeah, I did. You were just starting to get really big around the same time the Cloaks were going under, and I knew you’d be a big asset to our team. Once I had the ring up and running, I made a plan to reach out to you and ask you to join us. It was a bit of a long shot considering you were using your skills to do good and you’d probably think we were on the opposite end of that, but we really wanted you. Well, I really wanted you and Deen was really pushing for it. Honestly, we were only three days out from inviting you in when you got caught. We were hopeful, but when you accepted the job with the FBI we weren’t surprised. Still sad, though,” I admitted.

“So, had I not got caught, or you’d gotten to me a few days earlier, your life could’ve been my life?” she asked, a bit of wonder in her voice.

I joked, “Hopefully not. But you would’ve been in the room with me whenever I was planning something new or we were tracking a client or mole. You probably would’ve been our lead in operations considering you’d have access to all of their information and security cameras we’d need to hack into, not to mention some of our own.”

“That’s… wow,” Penelope stared out the window as if she could see her other life playing out.

“But I think you ended up where you belong,” I smiled at her.

She mirrored my expression and agreed, “Yes. I think you’re right. It would’ve been interesting though, to see how different my life would’ve been.”

“Maybe,” I reminded, “But you might not have even said yes to us to begin with.” She looked deep in thought, understandably. It was a lot to process, especially since she had some idea of my lifestyle and the amount of trouble I got into. But it was still a possibility that she’d never had the opportunity to ponder. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yes. Thank you for last night and, for answering my questions this morning,” she stood up with me as I went to grab my stuff and head out the door.

“If you want to know anything else, just ask,” I smiled.

She nodded and was about to close the door behind me she shyly questioned, “And Deen?”

I grinned from ear to ear. “Great guy, super loyal, funny, and a natural leader and protector. Oh, and super into you.”

She smiled to herself, looking down a little bit, then gave me a wave as she shut the door.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

When I got back to my place, and saw that the door was already cracked, I sighed. I swung open the door to see that things only continued to get worse.

Sitting there on the couch was Spencer. There was broken glass and knocked over furniture strewn all around, and he was like a rare diamond sitting in the middle of the rubble.

“Aundreya, what is going on?” his voice was soft and concerned, eyes wide.

“Spencer, please-” I tried.

He shook his head and gestured for me to sit down next to him. I swiped off some of the stuffing coming out of a read and sat down. “Please. Please tell me what all of this is. I want to help.”

“You can’t help,” I said.

“Only because you won’t let me,” he pointed out. “You’re coming to work with new bruises all the time, you’re clearly more tired than usual, and your ability to think and physically perform are decreasing.”

I looked down at my hands, spinning the bracelets around my wrist. “People are breaking into my place. It’s completely random but I can fend them off.”

The shock and concern in his eyes grew, “How long has this been going on?”

I purses my lips, “Since I came back.”

“And how many times has this happened?”

I looked around my apartment and shook my head, “I stopped cleaning after four.”

“Aundreya-”

“Don’t say anything,” I pleaded. “If you do, then I’ll have to take time off and leave this place defenseless, or you’ll assign people to stand guard which will likely only get them killed. I’m handling this.”

“You call this,” Spencer gestured to the disaster I called an apartment, “handling it?”

“I’m trying to handle it,” I corrected, “And it’s actually been getting better.”

“I know that’s not true,” he accused.

“Well now I’m too tired for nightmares and can actually get some real, solid sleep, so I’d call that a win,” I snapped. He looked at me hurt, “I didn’t mean to sound like that.”

“My point exactly. You’re too tired to control your emotions. You’re irritable,” he stated.

“I’m okay,” I insisted. I could tell he was not buying it, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want him anywhere near my apartment. Anywhere near me. It would only put him in harms way.

“Is this why you always insisted on going out to meet me instead of going to one of our apartments?” he asked.

We’d been meeting up for food or just walks when neither of us could sleep. He was still dealing with prison, and drugs, and Cat Adams with his mom (which I didn’t know about until I came back), while I was dealing with Xena, and DeLeon, and Agent Archer. We quickly realized that there was no one else to call at 3am in the morning when we couldn’t sleep besides each other.

“That, and I didn’t want to intrude on you and Maeve,” I whispered.

“She actually hasn’t been staying over these past few days,” he murmured. It threw me off guard, so I just stared at him with my head tilted to one side. “Yeah. I don’t blame her though.”

“Wait, it was her decision?” I asked.

“No, well yes,” he stumbled. “I mean, I felt bad constantly being away, and the only time I was here I was waking up with nightmares. She deserves better than that.”

“And you deserve to be with who you want. Don’t push her away because you feel guilty, let her make that decision on her own,” I finished with a yawn.

“God, you need sleep,” he said, effectively dodging my previous statement.

“Yeah, but then who’s gonna protect you if they come back?” I attempted to joke.

He reached down and produced his gun, then flashed the other one around his ankle along with a small dagger. I raised my eyebrows at him. He shrugged, “I think I can hold down the fort for tonight. The team needs you to be rested to chase down our unsubs.”

I laughed, “Yeah, but they need you rested to actually find them in the first place. I can pass the whole chasing them down thing back to Morgan for a while.”

“You’re not going to be able to sleep with me here, are you?” he asked.

I shook my head, “In your defense, I wouldn’t be sleeping if you weren’t here. But now that I know there’s more than just vases in here to protect…”

“Fine. How about we take shifts?” he offered.

“No, you should go and get some real sleep on a bed, not a couch that’s falling apart,” I suggested. He gave me a pointed look, and I knew he wouldn’t be sleeping either now that he knew what was going on. “Fine. Shifts it is.”

He stood up to go shut and lock my door, then came back to sit next to me on the couch. I put my head on his shoulder, and before I knew it, I was out.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

I woke to the sound of ringing. I looked up to find that somehow, we both ended up asleep on my couch, my head on his chest, curled up in his side. His arm was around me and I wanted to believe that the ringing was just a part of another nightmare, but when it went off again, I sprung up off the couch. I quickly scanned the windows and all the doors, waiting for someone to jump us.

“It’s okay,” Spencer rasped, sitting up, “It’s just our phones.”

I looked down at the coffee table near the couch to see that he was right. “Oh.” I answered mine and walked into the other room while Spencer answered his, cursing myself for being so jumpy in front of him.

It was Penelope, “You need to get here fast. There’s been a death.”

“Be right there,” I answered. I shuffled back into the main room where Spencer was already grabbing his stuff, running his hands through his hair.

“Do you want to ride with me?” I asked.

“Sure,” he replied.

When we arrived at the bullpen, Hotch ushered us up to the round table room, and locked the door behind us.

“Hotch, what is going on?” JJ asked first.

We all looked at him expectantly. “Early this morning, the body of Associate Deputy Director Howard Archer was found in his apartment.” He flashed a picture up on the screen. Archer was hanging from his ceiling fan by his bed sheets. “It has been deemed a suicide, but we’ve been asked to confirm that COD.”

“Why? Is there any evidence of foul play?” Derek asked. I stayed completely silent.

“No.”

“Then what do they need us to investigate for?” Emily prompted.

“His wife swears that he wasn’t suicidal. He had been happier these past couple years, and only recently seemed on edge, but she said he seemed scared, not depressed,” Hotch presented.

“Yeah, but can’t fear and sadness sometimes appear to be similar?” JJ asked.

“Sure, but she claimed he seemed jumpy. Like looking over your shoulder scared,” Rossi answered.

“Chambers, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Derek looked at me.

I shrugged. “It looks like a suicide to me.”

“No more?” Derek pushed.

“Look, Reid, don’t you have some fact about people who subconsciously make stuff up when a loved one dies to cope? It’s like transferring but-”

“There are all different types of memory bias and false memories. Sometimes as a coping mechanism, victims can convince themselves that something different happened, or there were warning signs when there weren’t. Inaccurate recall, especially one of a key eyewitness causes almost-”

“Exactly,” I veered back to the point, “And if there is no evidence of foul play, I’d say we give it a little time and close it.”

“I agree,” JJ backed me, which I found slightly surprising.

“Okay,” Hotch said, “Rossi, take Reid with you to the scene and assure them of our conclusion unless anything else turns up.”

They nodded and left for the scene, while the rest of us went to our respective desks to get a jump start on paperwork.

I was relieved that I had played it off, and so far, it seemed like no one suspected a thing. I mean, I was with the girls for the entire night, or most of it anyway, and would have a clean alibi.

But I did kill him.

When we went out to dinner, I told the girls that I’d left my jacket at home. They all knew how tired I was lately, and didn’t question my forgetfulness. JJ offered me ker keys, which I took, but dropped in Heidi’s pocket. Heidi was one of the girls that I used to dance with, and she and I looked remarkably similar. If she kept her head down and away from cameras, you’d think she was me. I had her drive back to my place to get my jacket while I pickpocketed our waiter for his keys. I drove to Archer’s place, sneaked in through the window of his bedroom, and grabbed the sheets off his bed. I had gloves and shoe covers on, and my hair pulled back, so I was in the clear. I came up from behind him, and strangled him to appear the same way a suicide would. Tying him up to the ceiling fan was the fun part. At least I got to use a ladder I made sure to push over at the end. I then headed back to the restaurant where I grabbed my jacket from Heidi, and took back JJ’s keys. Entering the restaurant, I ‘bumped into’ our waiter to replace his keys, then sat down for dinner and went to the concert.

I didn’t plan on getting questioned, but if it got that far, I knew the girls would vouch for me. I mean, I was with them for the entire night except for the 20 minutes I left to get my jacket.

I was lost in thought, reconfirming to myself that there was no way I would get caught, when Derek viciously called across the room, “Chambers, what the hell?”

I looked and noticed the team and I were the only people left in the room. Rossi and Reid had returned, but I couldn’t figure out what he was so mad about.

“What do you mean what the hell?” I fired back.

“What is this?” Derek demanded, walking over to me and shoving his phone in my face.

It was the recording of me, sitting in the nursing home chair, saying the shittiest things I could think of. And I looked stone cold serious, “I don’t really have to think that much when it comes to that pathetic, riddled with daddy-issues boy. All he really adds to the team is a pretty face and a body that can chase down unsubs. Now that I can do that, I don’t really see his value on the team. I think the team just keeps him around because he’s funny to watch at bars surrounded by women.”

“Shut that off,” I croaked. The rest of the team had circled around me, looking hurt and shocked and betrayed.

“How could you say those things!”

“Derek, I can-” explain. But he cut me off before I could speak.

“Do you have any idea-”

“Yes!” I interrupted, “Yes, I know what I said, I know what I did! But if you’d just-”

“Don’t turn this on me,” he shouted back. Unbelievable. He’s not even gonna let me explain. I’m back to ground zero, and they won’t even give me a chance. “Penelope is by herself crying right now because of what you said!”

That was the last straw. “She almost died because of what I didn’t say!” That shut him up long enough so that I could finish, “God, one thing goes wrong and every single one of you flips on me in an instant.”

“I don’t know how you expect us to constantly forgive you for all the things you’ve done.”

“I don’t. Okay, I don’t. Not anymore,” I hissed, “Don’t expect me to do the same for you.” I shoved the last bit of paperwork into my bag and picked it up to leave.

“Do the same?” Derek’s voice was littered with irritation and sarcasm, “What do you have to forgive us for?”

I was almost halfway to the door when I spun on my heels, “Leaving me to rot in prison.”

“Yes, that was a mistake,” Emily jumped in, “But we realized that and came to save you from DeLeon.”

My mouth was agape, “You think that makes up for it? If you wanna play that game, how about this: I saved Spencer’s life that day, and you repaid me by forgetting about me behind bars. I got myself out of that DeLeon situation alive, and not like you’d care, but I got the rest of you out alive too, so don’t try to use finding me and carrying me out of that place as a remedy, because if I wanted to, I could have saved myself the pain and the torture and just let you all die.”

The team was in shock, and I started taking backward steps toward the door again when Derek recovered and spoke up, sounding slightly confused “So that’s it? You’re just gonna leave?”

“You don’t seem interested in anything else I have to say,” I spat.

“Look, we just-” Derek tried, his voice softening a little.

“No! No, I’m done with you constantly turning on me without hearing my side and then expecting me to accept your half-ass apologies. But I’m supposed to be understanding, right? I’m supposed to cut you slack because I’m the problem, right? I’m always the problem, with you, with the team, with every single relationship I’ve ever been in.” I huffed, “With me. I’m always the problem, okay, I get that. I’ve received the message loud and clear.” I continued on my path to the door, and I felt all of their eyes on me. Against my initial intentions to just walk out, I spun around and continued, “Just so you know, those things that I said saved your lives. And I didn’t mean a single word of it.”

“What do you mean saved our lives?” Emily asked.

Then I laughed. For profilers and FBI agents, I was surprised they hadn’t picked up on it. “How do you think he knew where you were and what you were doing, huh? Who did you think shot Penelope?” They still looked at me with empty faces. “He had snipers on you, and it seems I just couldn’t lie well enough when it came to her.” I turned toward the door.

“Chambers-” Emily tried.

I didn’t even turn around when responding, “Have fun at your little outing tonight. I won’t wait up this time.” They always went out after paperwork days, and I finally thought that tonight would be the night I’d join them again. But I was wrong.

Part 2

Series Taglist

@justanothetfangirl @kris-stuff @blameitonthenight21 @wooya1224 @unded-bride @swiftingday @dezzxmx

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joecial-distancing · 4 years ago

Text

2019 in review in review:

A few years ago I started tracking yearly goals, books read, movies watched etc in a year, along with overview blurbs, in private posts. End of 2019/beginning of 2020 I was really frazzled/burned out about a lot of stuff and just never finished up making the thing. 8 months later, got the urge to read back what I’d got done, then figured I’d maybe go ahead and see about finishing.

Media tracking below the break. thoughts/blurbs written in 2020 italicized, 2019 not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_____________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Didn’t do so hot on explicit personal goals, but had a lot of stuff go ok around them this year.

School’s been fine/better than fine.

Job’s probably the biggest failing. Still with same job, haven’t made the firm moves to jump off, dragging my feet too much on exploring stuff w/ Columbia/NASA GISS.

Did not get better with covid, lol

Dating life still non-existent, but I’ve registered on apps, gotten more comfortable with selfies, improved general social life dramatically, been flirted with, updated my wardrobe, and generally started to get comfortable accepting that I’m a hot person.

Somehow got extremely better during covid.

Books

Grant (finished)

We stan a taurus legend

Guy was good at exactly one job, and was fortunate enough to have been in the right place/right time to get to do it.

Mort (discworld)

Definitely best discworld I’ve gotten to so far.

Don Quixote p. II

Really entertaining in a way that part 1 wasn’t; I was shocked how much the meta element landed for me.

Consider the Lobster (DFW collection)

had zero context on who DFW is/was when I read, and still don’t exactly tbh. Wanted to wait for a pause in The Discourse before diving into more of him, but dunno if I’m ever going to get that.

Crime and Punishment (revisited)

Weirdly didn’t get much more out of this than I did the first time I’d read it

Better Than Sex (HST Gonzo papers)

Xerox/widespread fax accessibility opening citizen access to mass media in a manner really reminiscent of what social media would go on to do at a much larger scale. Has a much more deliberate narrative arc than the other gonzo papers collections, also has that excellent HST richard nixon eulogy

The Brothers Karamazov

SPQR

Slouching Towards Bethlehem (Didion collection)

Pet Sematary

Not my favorite King, but not bad

Sourcery (discworld)

still funny/charming, but Mort really made clear/reminded me how much the hapless sadsack Rincewind mold of protagonist wears on me after a while.

The Devil's Teeth

My Year of Rest and Relaxation

Liked it a lot more once I realized it was doing a Fear and Loathing thing.

Homage to Catalonia

This should be the Orwell that gets taught in schools. Make it a followup to All Quiet on the Western Front or something, jeez.

Lyndon Johnson I

Having now finished all of them, this one’s probably the least-interesting but sets up a bunch of important context that the others still then feel the need to retread.

The Razor's Edge

Recommended to me as a “white guy discovers eastern mysticism” book, but also is more interesting in its treatment of that than I’d expected (helps it was written in the 40s).

Cat's Cradle

There’s a part in this where Vonnegut’s making fun of people who try to bond with strangers over being Hoosiers, and my dumbass immediate thought was “ooh, Vonnegut’s a hoosier? Me too!”

Lyndon Johnson II

Robert Caro felt compelled to apologize for spending so much words lionizing Coke Stevens, segregationist opponent to Johnson’s senate run. His goal was pretty clearly to show lbj’s lack of campaign charisma by contrast, definitely definitely overcommitted in his own narrativising.

Libra

I want to go back to this after reading some more De Lillo.

Gravity's Rainbow

This book absolutely kicked my ass

Overstuffed and referential in a specific way that really keeps me hooked in instead of put off. When I learn about some piece of cultural context that I retroactively recognize as being referenced in this, I want to go back and reread the entire thing.

From Caligari to Hitler

Kind of fails both as film criticism and cultural analysis, but absolutely made me want to run for the hills when considering current relationship between mainstream movies and demands of pop culture.

I took a class on Weimar cinema in undergrad that I now realize was probably biting pretty heavily from this and never once referenced it.

Movies

Venom

Movie itself is not as fun as the Tom Hardy hype coverage. PG13 was the absolute worst space to aim for, PG- or R- versions of this could have been a blast.

Harryhauser Argonauts

Was tripping when I put this on, and it was all kinds of fun.

2001: a Space Oddyssey

First time seeing this, all-time classic for a reason!

A Good American (the NSA doc)

Dr. Strangelove

Mel Brooks History of the World p. I

Not my favorite Brooks, best joke was at the beginning.

In Bruges

Had been a while since I saw a proper dark comedy.

Spiderverse

Fukkin awesome!

Visually great, and extremely better than usual superhero stuff for being aimed at PG instead of PG-13.

You Only Live Twice

Highlander (Revisited)

I watched The Old Guard on netflix recently and it mostly just made me wish I was watching Highlander instead, because at least Highlander knows exactly how goofy it is

Moonraker

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Much like The Shining, I though this would have been 100% spoiled for me by cultural osmosis, but turns out it wasn’t, and even the scenes I had seen *totally landed* in-context still.

Kung Fu Hustle

Ichi the Killer

Really gross, really fun

Matrix Reloaded (watched thru highway scene) (Revisited)

The highway scene was not nearly as cool as I remembered it being.

John Wick 3*

Probably dumbest plot of all of them, best choreography. I like how every single fight had its own distinct flavor. “Knife museum fight” “horse fight” “halle berry dogs fight”

Akira

A classic

Pet Sematary * (ugh, bad)

Why can’t john lithgow be in good movies anymore

The Revenant

MCU Spiderman

Fuck this was awful.

MCU Spiderman 2*

Really weird, complete Rorschach Test of a movie: it’d be totally valid to read into this that global warming is Fake News, for instance.

Lmao this was completely awful

Rites

Dredd (non-stallone)

oh hey Lena Headey’s in this

For All Mankind!

Watched in honor of moon landing anniversary

Lion King *

Watched it way too stoned, was like dark side of the moon + wizard of oz except instead it’s a lion king script reading + nature footage edited for lip syncing.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood *

Many scenes of very long setups for really stupid shaggy dog jokes, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t. I do kinda want to rewatch now knowing more about manson, which I knew pretty much nothing about beforehand

Blowout

A good john lithgow movie

also I think I like travolta in things.

Lord of War

A Good cage movie

I like when Eamon Walker shows up in stuff.

Taxi Driver

A classic

Snowpiercer

Watched in a bar with only one speaker working, which is the correct way to watch. Weirder and funnier than I thought it was going to be, which still doesn’t make it good, but,

dbz big green dub

Exorcist III

Brad Dourif just tearing it apart

Deep Red (argento)

Suspiria (1977)

Watched the remake in 2020, which was ok, but nothing tops the Goblin score.

Elf Bowling

Thanks, Gnome

Parasite *

Interesting to me that this one seems poised to hang around people’s good esteem for a while

FMA: B

Rick & Morty

Saw some episodes, generally pretty funny, some misanthropy that’s probably appealing to a certain type of teen al a something like House, but ultimately I don’t totally Get the intensity of discourse about it.

Leterkenny

Mob Psycho 100

One Punch Man

Deadwood

Watchmen

Only watched like half of it. Was playing around with a lot of hefty imagery/thematics, but didn’t really seem ready to rise above playing (tho also I feel like it’s weird on some level to *expect* them to rise above that in the first place)

Music

New Avantasia

HEALTH/ show

lol remember concerts

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard/ show

Just learned about King Gizz in 2019 and got completely obsessed with them. I don’t tend to expand my music selection very readily, and a lot of what I currently *do* know is old/inactive stuff, so it was/is incredibly exciting to have an active group with good momentum just immediately win me over like that.

Mistimed the edibles and ended up with a really good finale and a really long subway ride home.

New Yeasayer

Sad they split up

Steve Wilson Tull remixes

Aqualung’s a good album and the sound mixing’s kinda bad, so I liked this project.

Stonefield

Opened for Gizzard. Really good as studying music

Video Games

Civ VI: Gathering Storm

Hades

Turns out Supergiant’s design proclivities all work *extremely well* on a roguelike

Baba is You

Untitled Goose Game

Cute, if maybe a bit overhyped

finally fucking finished Pillars of Eternity

Had fun with it, but too long, and really dour for how long it is.

Pillars II

Kinda drifted off it eventually, but I do genuinely like that the flavor of the fantasy is colonial era rather than medieval.

There’s a Balancing Bastard Factions element where it’s like the writers are just being smartasses after a while. Having to go extremely out of their way to make siding with colonizers seem like a competitive option.

Pokemon shield

Cuphead

pisses me off, which was a nice outlet when I was stranded by flight cancellations during thanksgiving

Celeste

Also very difficult, but really easy to stay patient with, which is nice.

Disco Elysium

None of the discourse made me want to play this, but people talking about the mechanical stuff it did got me extremely interested. Mostly Delivered IMO.

Breath of the Wild

You can approach the nodes of the main quest in the order you choose, and the second one I chose made ninjas start fucking spawning everywhere when I’m just trying to explore, and there’s no way to make it stop. May go back to it one day.

Podcasts

Relentless Picnic Patreon feed

The treats really helped me start distinguishing individual personalities, compared to the regular eps.

Picnic Discord!

FatT Counterweight

Fun, but also I think Mechs are not my shit.

FatT Spring in Hieron/ end of that particular world

8 months since I’ve last tuned into FatT. ah well.

Law School

He’s in everythiiiing!

You Must Remember This: Manson family

*There’s* the context

Misc.

Kindle train guy

Times Square sleeping guy + kids taking selfies w/ him

toddler singing along after Psycho killer (a, ya, ya ya, ya)

drunk and dragged to a drag show

Central park football family

Soft Steel Drum Subway Busker

Weird old lady going to grand central for oysters

2018 in review (cards):

MySelf (CC)

Self: Tower

Blocked: 10 Cups

Ethereal/subconscious: 8 Swords

Material: 3 Swords

Past: Justice

Future: Page Wands

Attitude: Sun

External: King Swords

Hopes/Fears: 5 Coins

Trajectory: High Priestess

Also Self:

Hierophant

7 Cups

7 Coins

Blind Spot:

(self & others): 5 cups || (others not self): High Priestess

(self not others): Moon || (nobody): 3 Cups

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moveslikeanape · 1 year ago

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oh no worries, take your time with responding if you need to! i hope you had a good time visiting family, and a happy new year.

dreamlight valley is a pretty casual and simple game as well, though it does get somewhat frequent updates and have time-limited events to get cosmetics and such. but you can currently unlock every character (except for a handful that are part of a DLC expansion) just by playing the game, and have unlimited time to complete their quests. and it's available on PC as well. it's confirmed that tiana and mulan are coming this year, so i'm excited to see them! if tarzan were ever in these games like magic kingdoms or dreamlight valley, how do you think he'd react to being in a totally unfamiliar world with so many other humans like him? do you think he'd be excited, or more nervous, or maybe a mix of both? lorcana only has one treasure planet card right now, of john silver, but the game only released a few months ago so i'm really hopeful that we'll see more treasure planet cards in the future! i'm also hoping that at some point we'll get cards for atlantis: the lost empire. ooh, that tarzan art is great though, thank you for sharing it! i saw wish in theaters and had sort of mixed feelings about it myself, but i hope you enjoy it whenever you get to see it! seeing all the different movies celebrated in the credits made me glad i stayed to watch them, and there's also a really sweet little scene after the credits that's worth watching. ooh, if you'd like to read the article i came across, here's a link to it! https://www.forbes.com/sites/joshweiss/2019/06/17/youll-be-in-our-hearts-an-oral-history-of-disneys-tarzan-for-its-20th-birthday/?sh=50c8c0ab2b74 i actually have not read the original books, or watched any other tarzan adaptations for that matter, but i've heard a handful of things about how they compare to disney's version! i've heard that the books are a lot more violent, for example, that disney fleshed out jane more and gave her more to do, and that kerchak was the one who killed tarzan's father in the books. and, of course, disney's tarzan never learns that he's the earl of greystroke because he chooses to stay in the jungle with the family who raised him. which i think is a beautiful ending despite not being true to the books. would you recommend reading them? -🌟

I did, thank you! And a very happy New Year to you as well!

Unfortunately, my computer is apparently "too old" to be able to play Dreamlight Valley. I've tried but it won't let me. It currently works perfectly for everything I need it to do, so I'm in no rush to replace it. That's awesome that Tiana and Mulan are coming this year, love those characters! I personally think Tarzan would be far more excited to learn about everything new going on around him. He may be a little cautious, but for the most part he'd probably dive right into everything.

Very excited to see what the future holds for Lorcana, every card I see looks so incredible. Atlantis would be an amazing addition, there's so much they could do with it.

I've heard a lot of mixed reviews about Wish. I was really excited to see it, but Disney kind destroyed that by releasing the music. It started off fine, but the more songs I heard, the worse they got. Not a single one of my friends who have seen it liked it. Not having any expectations of liking it much myself, especially given the last few Disney movies… But if Tarzan's included in anyway (even just a small nod), I gotta see it, lol.

That was a great article, thank you so much for the link! So happy Mark Mancina was part of it, his music is so gorgeous and I've always felt he's been overshadowed by Phil Collins. Much as I love Phil, it's so nice to see Mark get the spotlight for a change.

I really enjoyed the books. Haven't been able to read all of them, but I have the first 6 and have read them all many times. They are more violent, and also have some racism and sexism. They are definitely best read if you go in keeping in mind they are a product of their time. They're over 100 years old, a very different time. The apes in the books are a fictional species, separate from gorillas. They have some human like qualities, such as ritual celebration after the vanquishing of an enemy. For both them and other animals (like lions, elephants, etc) I remember thinking he'd probably only heard of the animal and didn't know much about them (there are a LOT of lions in the jungle).

That's true about Kerchak killing Tarzan's father. Disney's Kerchak is kind of a mix between the novel's Kerchak and Tublat (Kerchak is the leader, Tublat is Kala's mate). There's another ape called Terkoz who is an enemy of Tarzan. They changed him into our Terk as a best friend. I would say Disney's Tublat from the tv series is closer to the Terkoz of the novel.

Overall I find the books very well written. I've always loved reading, but it's one of those books that somehow makes me fall even more in love with reading. It does a great job of transporting you to the jungle. I also found the characters are far more developed than I expected them to be. We have that stereotype image of Tarzan being an uncivilized brute, "me Tarzan, you Jane". But he's actually incredibly intelligent (don't want to spoil it, but the things he teaches himself!) and has better moral compass than you would image going into it. And I agree that the Disney ending is beautiful, it fits with the main themes of the movie and is truly the perfect ending to the story. But I think you would really like how it plays out in the books, Tarzan is the definition of a hero in every way.

The novel is actually also in 2 parts. You could get away with just reading the first one, but reading the second as well is definitely much more satisfying… this is making me want to read them again, lol. Better go move them to by to be read pile!

#strangers like me

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makistar2018 · 6 years ago

Link

All 125 Taylor Swift Songs, Ranked From Worst to Best

By NATE JONES April 30, 2019

In this business, there are two subjects that will boost your page views like nothing else: Game of Thrones and Taylor Swift. One of them is a massive, multi-million-dollar enterprise filled with violence and betrayal, and the other airs on HBO. I find it hard to explain why exactly, and I’m sure Swift would, too: Somehow, this one 27-year-old woman from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, keeps finding herself at the center of our national conversations about race, gender, celebrity, victimhood, even the economics of the tech industry. And, outside the legions of fans who eat up everything she puts out, no take on her ever stays solid for long. She was a precocious teenager, and the ultimate embodiment of white privilege. She’s been feminism’s worst nightmare, and an advocate for victims of sexual assault. Some people say she’s a goddess of the alt-right. Other people say she’s Jewish.

And yet, unlike Madonna or Bowie, Swift got through the first 11 years of her career without any major reinventions. (For 1989, she embraced feminism and threw away the last vestiges of her Nashville sound, but those were basically just aesthetic changes.) If the word on her has shifted since her debut, it’s because we’ve changed, not her. Swift — or at least the version of Swift on her albums — has remained largely the same person since her debut: a thin-skinned, bighearted obsessive, with a penchant for huge romantic moments. People don’t slowly ease into a relationship in her songs; they show up at each other’s doors late at night and they kiss in the rain. An unworthy suitor won’t just say something thoughtless; he’ll skip a birthday party or leave a teenage girl crying alone in a hotel room. Listen to her songs and you’ll ache at the resemblance to the most dramatic moments in your own private history. Listen to too many and you might ache again at the nagging feeling that those stories of yours have all been a bit uneventful and drab by comparison. What sort of real life can stand up against fantasies like these?

So, uh, I don’t recommend you listen to this list top to bottom.

But I do recommend sampling as many of these songs as you see fit. Even with the widespread critical embrace of poptimism — a development I suspect has as much to do with the economics of online media as it does with the shifting winds of taste — there are still those who see Swift as just another industry widget, a Miley or Katy with the tuner set to “girl with a guitar.” If this list does anything, I hope it convinces you that, underneath all the thinkpieces, exes, and feuds, she is one of our era’s great singer-songwriters. She may not have the raw vocal power of some of her competitors, but what she lacks in Mariah-level range she makes up for in versatility and personality. (A carpetbagger from the Pennsylvania suburbs, she became an expert code-switcher early in her career and never looked back.) And when it comes to writing instantly memorable pop songs, her only peers are a few anonymous Swedish guys, none of whom perform their own stuff. I count at least ten stone-cold classics in her discography. Others might see more. No matter how high your defenses, I guarantee you’ll find at least one that breaks them down.

Some ground rules: We’re ranking every Taylor Swift song that’s ever been released with her name on it — which means we must sadly leave out the unreleased 9/11 song “Didn’t They” as well as Nils Sjöberg’s “This Is What You Came For” — excluding tracks where Swift is merely “featured” (no one’s reading this list for B.o.B.’s “Both of Us”) but including a few duets where she gets an “and” credit. Songwriting is an important part of Swift’s spellbook, so covers are treated more harshly than originals. Because Swift’s career began so young, we’re left in the awkward position of judging work done by a literal high-schooler, which can feel at times like punching down. I’ll try to make slight allowances for age, reserving the harshest criticism for the songs written when Swift was an adult millionaire.

125. “Look What You Made Me Do,” Reputation (2017): “There’s a mistake that I see artists make when they’re on their fourth or fifth record, and they think innovation is more important than solid songwriting,” Swift told New York back in 2013. “The most terrible letdown as a listener for me is when I’m listening to a song and I see what they were trying to do.” To Swift’s credit, it took her six records to get to this point. On a conceptual level, the mission here is clear: After the Kim-Kanye feud made her the thinking person’s least-favorite pop star, this comeback single would be her grand heel turn. But the villain costume sits uneasily on Swift’s shoulders, and even worse, the songwriting just isn’t there. The verses are vacuous, the insults have no teeth, and just when the whole thing seems to be leading up to a gigantic redemptive chorus, suddenly pop! The air goes out of it and we’re left with a taunting Right Said Fred reference — the musical equivalent of pulling a Looney Tunes gag on the listener. Other Swift songs have clunkier rhymes, or worse production values, but none of them have such a gaping hole at the center. (I do dig the gleeful “Cuz she’s dead!” though.)

124. “Umbrella,” iTunes Live From Soho (2008): Swift has recorded plenty of covers in her career, and none are less essential than this 90-second rendition of the Rihanna hit recorded at the peak of the song’s popularity. It’s pure college-campus coffeehouse.

123. “Christmas Must Mean Something More,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007): One of two originals on Swift’s early-career Christmas album, “Something More” is a plea to put the Christ back in Christmas. Or as she puts it: “What if happiness came in a cardboard box? / Then I think there is something we all forgot.” In the future, Swift would get better at holding onto some empathy when she was casting a critical eye at the silly things people care about; here, the vibe is judgmental in a way that will be familiar to anyone who’s ever reread their teenage diary.

122. “Better Than Revenge,” Speak Now (2010): A nasty little song that has not aged well. Whether a straightforward imitation of Avril Lavigne’s style or an early attempt at “Blank Space”–style self-satirization, the barbs never go beyond bratty. (As in “Look What You Made Me Do,” the revenge turns out to be the song itself, which feels hollow.) Best known now for the line about “the things she does on the mattress,” which I suspect has been cited in blog posts more times than the song itself has been listened to lately.

121. “American Girl,” Non-album digital single (2009): Why would you cover this song and make it slower?

120. “I Want You Back,” Speak Now World Tour – Live (2011): Another 90-second cover of a pop song that does not particularly benefit from a stripped-down arrangement.

119. “Santa Baby,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007): Before Ariana Grande’s “Santa Tell Me,” there was only one holiday song about falling in love with Santa, and for some reason, we spent decades making all our young female singers cover it. Swift’s version leans out of the awkwardness by leaning into the materialism; she puts most of her vocal emphasis on the nice presents she hopes Santa will bring her. (The relationship seems to be fairly quid pro quo: She’ll believe in him if he gives her good gifts — even at this early stage, Swift possessed a savvy business sense.) Otherwise, this is a by-the-numbers holiday cover, complete with sleigh bells in the mix.

118. “Sweet Escape,” Speak Now World Tour – Live; Target edition DVD (2011): Swift’s sedate cover of the 2006 Gwen Stefani hit — those “ooh-ooh”s are pitched way down from Akon’s falsetto in the original — invests the song with a bittersweet vibe, though like anyone who’s ever tried the song at karaoke, she stumbles on the rapid-fire triplets in the first verse.

117. “Silent Night,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007): Swift’s cover of the Christmas classic veers significantly away from Franz Xaver Gruber’s original melody, and even gives it a Big Taylor Swift Finale. Points for ambition, but sometimes you just want to hear the old standards the way you remember them.

116. “The Last Time,” Red (2012): Red is Swift’s strongest album, but it suffers a bit from pacing issues: The back half is full of interminable ballads that you’ve got to slog through to get to the end. Worst of all is this duet with po-faced Ulsterman Gary Lightbody, which feels about ten minutes long.

115. “Invisible,” Taylor Swift: Special Edition (2006): A bonus track from the debut that plays like a proto–”You Belong With Me.” The “show you” / “know you” rhymes mark this as an early effort.

114. “…Ready for It?,” Reputation (2017): The second straight misfire off the Reputation rollout, this one sees Swift try her hand at rapping, with some ill-advised bars about Elizabeth Taylor and a flow she borrowed from Jay-Z. (Try to rap “Younger than my exes” without spilling into “rest in peace, Bob Marley.”) Bumped up a spot or two for the chorus, a big Swift hook that sounds just like her best work — in this case, because it bites heavily from “Wildest Dreams.”

113. “I Heart ?,” Beautiful Eyes EP (2008): Swift code-switches like a champ on this charmingly shallow country song, which comes from the Walmart-exclusive EP she released between her first two albums. Her vocals get pretty rough in the chorus, but at least we’re left with the delightful line, “Wake up and smell the breakup.”

112. “Bad Blood,” 1989 (2014): When Swift teamed up with Max Martin and Shellback, the marriage of their dark eldritch songcraft nearly broke the pop charts. But when they misfire, the results can be brutal. The lyric here indulges the worst habits of late-period Swift — an eagerness to play the victim, a slight lack of resemblance to anything approaching real life — attached to a schoolyard-chant melody that will never leave your head, even when you may want it to. The remix hollows out the production and replaces Swift’s verses with two from Kendrick Lamar; it’s less embarrassing than the original, which does not make it more memorable.

111. “White Christmas,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007):The most bluegrass of Swift’s Christmas tunes, this gentle rendition sees Swift’s vocals cede center stage to the mandolin and fiddle.

110. “Crazier,” Hannah Montana: The Movie soundtrack (2009): When approached by the filmmakers about contributing a song to the Hannah Montana movie, Swift sent in this track, seemingly a holdover from the Fearless sessions. In an admirable bit of dedication, she also showed up to play it in the film’s climax. It’s kind of a snooze on its own, but compared to the other songs on the soundtrack, even Swift’s leftovers shine.

109. “I’d Lie,” Taylor Swift (2006): A bonus track only available to people who bought Swift’s debut at Best Buy. It’s as cute as a study-hall MASH game, and just as easily disposable.

108. “Highway Don’t Care,” Tim McGraw’s Two Lanes of Freedom(2013): After joining Big Machine, McGraw gave Swift an “and” credit here as a professional courtesy. Though her backing vocals are very pleasant, this is 100 percent a Tim McGraw song.

107. “Superman,” Speak Now: Deluxe Edition (2010): A bonus track that’s not gonna make anyone forget Five for Fighting any time soon.

106. “Change,” Fearless (2008): A bit of paint-by-numbers inspiration that apparently did its job of spurring the 2008 U.S. Olympic team to greatness. They won 36 gold medals!

105. “End Game,” Reputation (2017): Swift tries out her blaccent alongside Future and Ed Sheeran, on a track that sounds unmistakably like a Rihanna reject. The only silver lining? She’s better at rapping here than on “…Ready for It?”

104. “The Lucky One,” Red (2012): A plight-of-fame ballad from the back half of Red, with details that never rise above cliché and a melody that borrows from the one Swift cooked up for “Untouchable.”

103. “A Place in This World,” Taylor Swift (2006): Swift’s version of “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” this one feels like it missed its chance to be the theme tune for an ABC Family show.

102. “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever,” Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack (2017): In Fifty Shades Darker, this wan duet soundtracks a scene where Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele go for a sunny boat ride while wearing fabulous sweaters. On brand!

101. “Last Christmas,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007): Swift does George Michael proud with this reverent cover of the Wham! classic.

100. “Breathless,” Hope for Haiti Now (2010): Swift covered this Better Than Ezra deep cut for the Hope for Haiti telethon. With only one take to get it right, she did not let the people of Haiti down.

99. “Bette Davis Eyes,” Speak Now World Tour – Live (2012): “There’s some unbelievable music that has come out of artists who are from L.A., did you know that?” Swift asks the audience at the beginning of this live track. The crowd, not being idiots, responds with an enthusiastic yes. This cover loses the two most famous parts of Kim Carnes’s original — the synths and Carnes’s throaty delivery — but the acoustic arrangement and Swift’s intimate vocals bring out the best qualities of the tune.

98. “Eyes Open,” The Hunger Games: Songs From District 12 and Beyond (2012): One of two songs Swift contributed to the first Hunger Games soundtrack. With guitars seemingly ripped straight out of 1998 alt-rock radio, this one’s most interesting now as a preview of Swift’s Red sound.

97. “Beautiful Eyes,” Beautiful Eyes EP (2008): The title track of Swift’s early-career EP finds the young songwriter getting a lot of mileage out of one single vowel sound: Besides the eyes of the title, we’ve got I, why, fly, cry, lullaby, even sometimes. A spirited vocal performance in the outro saves the song from feeling like homework.

96. “The Outside,” Taylor Swift (2006): If you thought you felt weird judging songs by a high-schooler, here’s one by an actual sixth-grader. “The Outside” was the second song Swift ever wrote, and though the lyrics edge into self-pity at times, this is still probably the best song written by a 12-year-old since Mozart’s “Symphony No. 7 in D Major.”

95. “SuperStar,” Fearless: Platinum Edition (2008): This bonus track is a relic of an unfamiliar time when Swift could conceivably be the less-famous person in a relationship.

94. “Starlight,” Red (2012): Never forget that one of the most critically acclaimed albums of 2012 contains a piece of Ethel Kennedy fanfiction. The real story of Bobby and Ethel has more rough spots than you’ll find in this resolutely rose-colored track, but that’s what happens when you spend a summer hanging in Hyannis Port.

93. “Sad Beautiful Tragic,” Red (2012): Another glacially paced song from the back half of Red that somehow pulls off rhyming “magic” with “tragic.”

92. “Innocent,” Speak Now (2010): The disparate reactions to Kanye West stage-crashing Swift at the 2009 VMAs speaks to the Rorschachian nature of Swift’s star image. Was Swift a teenage girl whose moment was ruined by an older man who couldn’t control himself? Or was she a white woman playing the victim to demonize an outspoken black man? Both are correct, which is why everyone’s spent so much time arguing about it. Unfortunately, Swift did herself no favors when she premiered “Innocent” at the next year’s VMAs, opening with footage of the incident, which couldn’t help but feel like she was milking it. (Fairly or not, the comparison to West’s own artistic response hardly earns any points in the song’s favor.) Stripped of all this context, “Innocent” is fine: Swift turns in a tender vocal performance, though the lyrics could stand to be less patronizing.

91. “Girl at Home,” Red: Deluxe Edition (2012): This Red bonus track offers a foreshadowing of Swift’s interest in sparkly ’80s-style production. A singsongy melody accompanies a largely forgettable lyric, except for one hilariously blunt line: “It would be a fine proposition … if I was a stupid girl.”

90. “A Perfectly Good Heart,” Taylor Swift: Special Edition (2006): A pleading breakup song with one killer turn of phrase and not much else.

89. “Mary’s Song (Oh My Oh My),” Taylor Swift (2006): This early track was inspired by Swift’s elderly neighbors. Like “Starlight,” it’s a young person’s vision of lifelong love, skipping straight from proposal to old age.

88. “Come in With the Rain,” Fearless: Platinum Edition (2008): An ode to a long-lost lover that follows the Swift template a tad too slavishly.

87. “Dancing With Our Hands Tied,” Reputation (2017): Reputation sags a bit in the middle, never more than on this forgettable ’80s-inspired track.

86. “Welcome to New York,” 1989 (2014): In retrospect, there could not have been a song more perfectly designed to tick off the authenticity police — didn’t Swift know that real New Yorkers stayed up till 3 a.m. doing drugs with Fabrizio Moretti in the bathroom of Mars Bar? I hope you’re sitting down when I tell you this, but it’s possible the initial response to a Taylor Swift song might have been a little reactionary. When it’s not taken as a mission statement, “Welcome to New York” is totally tolerable, a glimmering confetti throwaway with lovely synths.

85. “Tied Together With a Smile,” Taylor Swift (2006): When she was just a teenager with a development deal, Swift hooked up with veteran Nashville songwriter Liz Rose. The two would collaborate on much of Swift’s first two albums. “We wrote and figured out that it really worked. She figured out she could write Taylor Swift songs, and I wouldn’t get in the way,” Rose said later. “She’d say a line and I’d say, ‘What if we say it like this?’ It’s kind of like editing.” This early ballad about a friend with bulimia sees Swift and Rose experimenting with metaphor. Most of them work.

84. “King of My Heart,” Reputation (2017): Swift is fond of saying that “songs are what you think of on the drive home — you know, the Great Afterthought.” (She says it’s a Joni Mitchell quote, but I haven’t been able to find it.) Anyway, I think that’s why some of the love songs on Reputationdon’t quite land: Swift is writing about a relationship from inside of it, instead of with hindsight. It’s a different skill, which could explain why the boyfriend character here is less vividly sketched than some of her other ones.

83. “Come Back … Be Here,” Red: Deluxe Edition (2012): A vulnerable track about long-distance love, with simple sentiments overwhelmed by extravagant production.

82. “Breathe,” Fearless (2008): A Colbie Caillat collaboration that’s remarkable mostly for being a rare Swift song about a friend breakup. It’s like if “Bad Blood” contained actual human emotions.

81. “Stay Beautiful,” Taylor Swift (2006): Nathan Chapman was a Nashville session guitarist before he started working with Swift. He produced her early demos, and she fought for him to sit behind the controls on her debut; the two would work together on every Swift album until 1989, when his role was largely taken over by Max Martin and Shellback. Here, he brings a sprightly arrangement to Swift’s ode to an achingly good-looking man.

80. “Nashville,” Speak Now World Tour – Live; Target edition DVD (2011): Swift gives some shine to singer-songwriter David Mead with a cover of his 2004 ballad. (Listen to the screams during the chorus and try to guess where this one was recorded.) She treats it with a delicate respect, like she’s handling her grandmother’s china.

79. “So It Goes,” Reputation (2017): Unfortunately not a Nick Lowe cover, this one comes and goes without making much of an impact, but if you don’t love that whispered “1-2-3,” I don’t know what to tell you.

78. “You’re Not Sorry,” Fearless (2008): An unflinching kiss-off song that got a gothic remix for Swift’s appearance as an ill-fated teen on CSI. It shouldn’t work, but it does.

77. “Drops of Jupiter,” Speak Now World Tour – Live (2012): The best of the covers on the live album sees Swift commit to the Train hit like she’d written it herself. If you had forgotten that this song came out in 2001, she keeps the line about Tae Bo.

76. “The Other Side of the Door,” Fearless: Platinum Edition (2008): A bonus track saved from mediocrity by a gutsy outro that hints that Swift, like any good millennial, was a big fan of “Semi-Charmed Life.”

75. “Gorgeous,” Reputation (2017): In the misbegotten rollout for Reputation, “Gorgeous” righted the ship by not being completely terrible. Max Martin and Shellback pack the track with all sorts of amusing audio doodads, but the melody is a little too horizontal to stick, and the lyrics have a touch of first draft about them. (You’d be forgiven for preferring the actual first draft, which is slightly more open and real.)

74. “I Wish You Would,” 1989 (2014): Like “You Are in Love,” this one originated as a Jack Antonoff instrumental track, and the finished version retains his fingerprints. Perhaps too much — you get the sense it might work better as a Bleachers song.

73. “Cold As You,” Taylor Swift (2006): A dead-serious breakup song that proved the teenage Swift (with help from Rose, who’s got a co-writing credit) could produce barbs sharper than most adults: “You come away with a great little story / Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.” Jesus.

72. “Haunted,” Speak Now (2010): In which Swift tries her hand at Evanescence-style goth-rock. She almost pulls it off, but at this point in Swift’s career her voice wasn’t quite strong enough to give the unrestrained performance the song calls for.

71. “This Love,” 1989 (2014): Began life as a poem before evolving into an atmospheric 1989 deep cut. Like an imperfectly poached egg, it’s shapeless but still quite appetizing.

70. “Untouchable,” Fearless: Platinum Edition (2008): Technically a Luna Halo cover (don’t worry about it), though Swift discards everything but the bones of the original. Her subsequent renovation job is worthy of HGTV: It’s nearly impossible to believe this was ever not a Taylor Swift song.

69. “Wonderland,” 1989: Deluxe Edition (2014): A deranged bonus track that sees Swift doing the absolute most. This song has everything: Alice in Wonderland metaphors, Rihanna chants, a zigzag bridge that recalls “I Knew You Were Trouble,” screams. As she puts it, “It’s all fun and games ’til somebody loses their MIND!”

68. “Sweeter Than Fiction,” One Chance soundtrack (2013): Swift’s first collaboration with Jack Antonoff is appropriately ’80s-inspired, and so sugary that a well-placed key change in the chorus is the only thing that staves off a toothache.

67. “I’m Only Me When I’m With You,” Taylor Swift: Special Edition(2006): A rollicking pop-rock tune that recalls early Kelly Clarkson. As if to reassure nervous country fans, the fiddle goes absolutely nuts.

66. “Tell Me Why,” Fearless (2008): A bog-standard tale of an annoyingly clueless guy, but it’s paired with one of Swift and Rose’s most winning melodies.

65. “If This Was a Movie,” Speak Now: Deluxe Edition (2010): The mirror image of “White Horse,” which makes it feel oddly superfluous.

64. “How You Get the Girl,” 1989 (2014): The breeziest and least complicated of Swift’s guy-standing-on-a-doorstep songs, which contributed to the feeling that 1989 was something of an emotional regression. You probably shouldn’t take it as an instruction manual unless you’re Harry Styles.

63. “Don’t Blame Me,” Reputation (2017): A woozy if slightly anonymous love song that comes off as a sexier “Take Me to Church.” [A dozen Hozier fans storm out of the room.]

62. “The Way I Loved You,” Fearless (2008): Written in collaboration with Big and Rich’s John Rich, which may explain how stately and mid-tempo this one is. (There’s even a martial drumbeat.) Here, she’s faced with a choice between a too-perfect guy — he’s close to her mother and talks business with her father — and a tempestuous relationship full of “screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain,” and if you don’t know which one she prefers I suggest you listen to more Taylor Swift songs. Swift often plays guessing games about which parts of her songs are autobiographical, but this one is explicitly a fantasy.

61. “New Romantics,” 1989: Deluxe Edition (2014): Like “22,” an attempt at writing a big generational anthem. That it was left off the album proper suggests Swift didn’t think it quite got there, though it did its job of extending the singles cycle of 1989 a few more months. Despite what anyone says about “Welcome to New York,” the line here about waiting for “trains that just aren’t coming” indicates its writer has had at least one authentic New York experience.

60. “Sparks Fly,” Speak Now (2010): This one dates back to Swift’s high-school days, and was destined for obscurity until fans fell in love with the live version. After what seems like a lot of tinkering, it finally got a proper studio release on Swift’s third album. It’s like “True Love Waits,” but with more kissing in the rain.

59. “Me!,” Untitled Seventh Album (2019): Well, what did we expect? The run-up to “Me!” was preceded by a weeks-long guessing game about what precisely would be the nature of Swift’s April 26 announcement. Would she come out? Would she come out and reveal she had once dated Karlie Kloss? Cut to the fateful day, and the news was … Swift, who is a pop singer, was releasing a new pop song. After the Sturm und Drang of the Reputation era, “Me!” is a return to anodyne sweetness, a mission statement that says, “I’m through making mission statements.” The result is blandly inoffensive, emphasis on the bland.

58. “All You Had to Do Was Stay,” 1989 (2014): Just like the melody to “Yesterday” and the “Satisfaction” riff, the high-pitched “Stay!” here came to its writer in a dream. Inspiration works in mysterious ways.

57. “Delicate, Reputation (2017): With multitracked, breathy vocals, this is Swift at her most tentative. Would any other album’s Taylor be asking, “Is it cool that I said all that?”

56. “Stay Stay Stay,” Red (2012): Swift broke out her southern accent one last time for this attempt at homespun folk, which is marred by production that’s so clean it’s practically antiseptic. In an alternate universe where a less-ambitious Swift took a 9-to-5 job writing ad jingles, this one soundtracked a TV spot for the new AT&T family plan.

55. “Call It What You Want,” Reputation (2017): Many of the Reputationsingles aim at sexy; this airy slow jam about losing yourself in love after a scandal is the only one that gets there, though the saltiness in the verses (“all the liars are calling me one”) occasionally betrays the sentiment.

54. “Ours,” Speak Now: Deluxe Edition (2010): It’s not this song’s fault that the extended version of Speak Now has songs called both “Mine” and “Ours,” and while “Ours” is good … well, it’s no “Mine.” Still, even if this song never rises above cuteness, it is incredibly cute. I think Dad’ll get over the tattoos.

53. “The Best Day,” Fearless (2008): Swift’s parents moved the family to Tennessee so she could follow her musical dreams, and she paid them back with this tender tribute. Mom gets the verses while Dad is relegated to the middle eight — even in song, the Mother’s Day–Father’s Day disparity holds up.

52. “Everything Has Changed,” Red (2012): “We good to go?” For many American listeners, this was the first introduction to a redheaded crooner named Ed Sheeran. It’s a sweet duet and Sheeran’s got a roughness that goes well with Swift’s cleaner vocals, but the harmonies are a bit bland.

51. “Today Was a Fairytale,” Valentine’s Day soundtrack (2010): How much of a roll was Swift on during the Fearless era? This song didn’t make the album, and sat in the vault for a year until Swift signed on for a small role in a Garry Marshall rom-com and offered it up for the soundtrack. Despite the extravagant title, the date described here is charmingly low-key: The dude wears a T-shirt, and his grand gestures are showing up on time and being nice.

50. “Last Kiss,” Speak Now (2010): A good-bye waltz with an understated arrangement that suits the starkness of the lyrics.

49. “You Are in Love,” 1989: Deluxe Edition (2014): The best of Swift’s songs idealizing someone else’s love story (see “Starlight” and “Mary’s Song”), this bonus track sketches Jack Antonoff and Lena Dunham’s relationship in flashes of moments. The production and vocals are appropriately restrained — sometimes, simplicity works.

48. “The Story of Us,” Speak Now (2010): The deluxe edition of Speak Now features both U.S. and international versions of some of the singles, which gives you a sense of how fine-tuned Swift’s operation was by this point. My ears can’t quite hear the difference between the two versions of this exuberant breakup jam, but I suspect the U.S. mix contains some sort of ultrasonic frequencies designed to … sorry, I’ve already said too much.

47. “Clean,” 1989 (2014): Co-written with Imogen Heap, who contributes backup vocals. This is 1989’s big end-of-album-catharsis song, and the water imagery of the lyrics goes well with the drip-drip-drip production. I’d be curious to hear a version where Heap sings lead; the minimalist sound might be better suited for her voice, which has a little more texture.

46. “Getaway Car,” Reputation (2017): Another very Antonoff-y track, but I’m not mad at it. We start with a vocoder she must have stolen from Imogen Heap and end with one of Swift’s most rocking outros, and in between we even get a rare key change.

45. “I Almost Do,” Red (2012): The kind of plaintive breakup song Swift could write in her sleep at this point in her career, with standout guitar work and impressive vulnerability in both lyrics and performance.

44. “Long Live (We Will Be Remembered),” Speak Now (2010):Ostensibly written about Swift’s experiences touring with her band, but universal enough that it’s been taken as a graduation song by pretty much everyone else. Turns out, adolescent self-mythologizing is the same no matter where you are — no surprise that Swift could pull it off despite leaving school after sophomore year.

43. “The Moment I Knew,” Red: Deluxe Edition (2012): An epic account of being stood up that makes a terrible birthday party seem like something approximating the Fall of Troy. If you’re the type of person who stays up at night remembering every inconsiderate thing you’ve ever done, the level of excruciating detail here is like a needle to the heart.

42. “Jump Then Fall,” Fearless: Platinum Edition (2006): An effervescent banjo-driven love song. I get a silly kick out of the gag in the chorus, when Swift’s voice leaps to the top of her register every time she says “jump.”

41. “Never Grow Up,” Speak Now (2010): Swift’s songs where she’s romanticizing childhood come off better than the ones where she’s romanticizing old age. (Possibly because she’s been a child before.) This one is so well-observed and wistful about the idea of children aging that you’d swear she was secretly a 39-year-old mom.

40. “Should’ve Said No,” Taylor Swift (2006): Written in a rush of emotion near the end of recording for the debut, what this early single lacks in nuance it makes up for in backbone. I appreciate the way the end of each verse holds out hope for the cheating ex — “given ooonnne chaaance, it was a moment of weeaaknesssss” — before the chorus slams the door in the dumb lunk’s face.

39. “Back to December,” Speak Now (2010): At the time, this one was billed as a big step for Swift: the first song where she’s the bad guy! Now that the novelty has worn off “Back to December” doesn’t feel so groundbreaking, but it does show her evolving sensitivity. The key to a good apology has always been sincerity, and whatever faults Swift may have, a lack of sincerity has never been one of them.

38. “Holy Ground,” Red (2012): This chugging rocker nails the feeling of reconnecting with an ex and romanticizing the times you shared, and it livens up the back half of Red a bit. Probably ranked too high, but this is my list and I’ll do what I want.

37. “Enchanted,” Speak Now (2010): Originally the title track for Swift’s third album until her label told her, more or less, to cut it with the fairy-tale stuff. It’s a glittery ode to a meet-cute that probably didn’t need to be six minutes long, but at least the extended length gives us extra time to soak up the heavenly coda, with its multi-tracked “Please don’t be in love in with someone else.”

36. “I Know Places,” 1989 (2014): No attempts of universality here — this trip-hop song about trying to find a place to make out when you’re a massive celebrity is only relatable to a couple dozen people. No matter. As a slice of gothic pop-star paranoia, it gives a much-needed bit of edge to 1989. Bumped up a couple of spots for the line about vultures, which I can only assume is a shout-out.

35. “Treacherous,” Red (2012): Swift has rarely been so tactile as on this intimate ballad, seemingly constructed entirely out of sighs.

34. “Dress,” Reputation (2017): An appropriately slinky track that gives us an unexpected payoff for years of lyrics about party dresses: “I only bought this dress so you could take it off,” she says in the chorus. The way the whole song starts and stops is an obvious trick, but I like it.

33. “Speak Now,” Speak Now (2010): The rest of the band plays it so straight that it might take a second listen to realize that this song is, frankly, bonkers. First, Swift sneaks into a wedding to find a bridezilla, “wearing a gown shaped like a pastry,” snarling at the bridesmaids. Then it turns out she’s been uninvited — oops — so she decides to hide in the curtains. Finally, at a pivotal moment she stands up in front of everyone and protests the impending union. Luckily the guy is cool with it, so we get a happy ending! All this nonsense undercuts the admittedly charming chorus, but it’s hard not to smile at the unabashed silliness.

32. “22,” Red (2012): Another collaboration with Martin and Shellback, another absurdly catchy single. Still, there’s enough personality in the machine for this to still feel like a Taylor song, for better (“breakfast at midnight” being the epitome of adult freedom) and for worse (the obsession with “cool kids”). Mostly for better.

31. “Christmases When You Were Mine,” The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2007): The clear standout of Swift’s Christmas album, with an endearingly winsome riff and lyrics that paint a poignant picture of yuletide heartbreak. If you’ve ever been alone on Christmas, this is your song.

30. “White Horse,” Fearless (2008): You’d never call Swift a genre deconstructionist, but her best work digs deeper into romantic tropes than she gets credit for. In just her second album, she and Rose gave us this clear-eyed look at the emptiness of symbolic gestures, allegedly finished in a mere 45 minutes. Almost left off the album, but saved thanks to Shonda Rhimes.

29. “I Knew You Were Trouble,” Red (2012): The guiding principle on much of Red seems to have been to throw absolutely every idea a person could think of into a song and see what worked. Here, we go from Kelly Clarkson verses to a roller-coaster chorus to a dubstep breakdown that dates the song as surely as radiocarbon — then back again. It shouldn’t hang together, but the gutsy vocals and vivid lyrics keep the track from going off the rails.

28. “Teardrops on My Guitar,” Taylor Swift (2006): An evocative portrait of high-school heartbreak, equal parts mundane — no adult songwriter would have named the crush “Drew” — and melodramatic. It’s also the best example of Swift and Rose’s early songwriting cheat code, when they switch the words of the chorus around at the end of the song. “It just makes the listener feel like the writer and the artist care about the song,” Rose told Billboard. “That they’re like, “Okay, you’ve heard it, but wait a minute — ’cause I want you know that this really affected me, I’m gonna dig the knife in just a little bit deeper.’” (In a fitting twist, “Teardrops” ended up inspiring a moment that could have come straight out of a Taylor Swift song, when the real Drew showed up outside her house one night. “I hadn’t talked to him in two-and-a-half years,” she told the Washington Post. “He was like: ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ And I’m like: ‘Wow, you’re late? Good to see you?’”)

27. “Begin Again,” Red (2012): Swift’s sequencing genius strikes again: After the emotional roller coaster of Red, this gentle ballad plays like a cleansing shower. (It works so well she’d repeat the trick on 1989, slightly more obviously.) Of all Swift’s date songs, this one feels the most true to life; anyone who’s ever been on a good first date can recall the precise moment their nervousness melted into relief.

26. “New Year’s Day,” Reputation (2017): Like a prestige cable drama, Swift likes to use her final track as a kind of quiet summing-up of all that’s come before. Here, she saves the album’s most convincing love song for last: “I want your midnights / but I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day” is a great way to describe a healthy relationship. The lovely back-and-forth vocals in the outro help break the tie with “Begin Again.”

25. “Shake It Off,” 1989 (2014): Swift’s second No. 1 was greeted with widespread critical sighs: After the heights of Red, why was she serving up cotton-candy fluff about dancing your way past the haters? (Never mind that Red had its own sugary singles.) Now that we’ve all gotten some distance, the purpose of “Shake It Off” is clear: This is a wedding song, empty-headed fun designed to get both Grandma and Lil Jayden on the dance floor. Docked ten or so spots for the spoken-word bridge and cheerleader breakdown, which might be the worst 24 seconds of the entire album.

24. “Safe and Sound,” The Hunger Games: Songs From District 12 and Beyond (2012): Swift’s collaboration with folk duo the Civil Wars is her best soundtrack cut by a country mile. Freed from the constraints of her usual mode, her vocals paint in corners you didn’t think she could reach, especially when she tries out a high-pitched vibrato that blends beautifully with Joy Williams and John Paul White’s hushed harmonies. Swift has worked in a variety of emotional palettes in her career, but this is the only time she’s ever been spooky.

23. “Picture to Burn,” Taylor Swift (2006): Swift’s breakup songs rarely get more acidic than they do in this country hit. By the time she’s twanging a line about dating all her ex’s friends, things have gotten downright rowdy. The original lyrics — “Go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy / That’s fine, I’ll tell mine you’re gay” — show how far standards for acceptable speech in nice young people have shifted in the past decade.

22. “Fearless,” Fearless (2008): The title track from Swift’s second album has more of her favorite images — in one memorable twofer, she’s dancing in the rain while wearing her best dress — but she invests them with so much emotion that you’d swear she was using them for the first time. The exuberance of the lyrics is matched in the way she tumbles from line to line into the chorus.

21. “Tim McGraw,” Taylor Swift (2006): If you by chance ever happen to meet Taylor Swift, there is one thing you should know: Do not, under any circumstances, call her “calculating.” “Am I shooting from the hip?” she once asked GQ when confronted with the word. “Would any of this have happened if I was? … You can be accidentally successful for three or four years. Accidents happen. But careers take hard work.” However, since the title of her first single apparently came from label head Scott Borchetta — “I told Taylor, ‘They won’t immediately remember your name, they’ll say who’s this young girl with this song about Tim McGraw?’” — I think we’re allowed to break out the c-word: Calling it “Tim McGraw” was the first genius calculation in a career that would turn out to be full of them. Still, there would have been no getting anywhere with it if the song weren’t good. Even as a teenager, Swift was savvy enough to know that country fans love nothing more than listening to songs about listening to country music. And the very first line marks her as more of a skeptic than you might expect: “He said the way my blue eyes shined put those Georgia pines to shame that night / I said, ‘That’s a lie.’”

20. “Dear John,” Speak Now (2010): “I’ve never named names,” Swift once told GQ. “The fact that I’ve never confirmed who those songs are about makes me feel like there is still one card I’m holding.” That may technically be true, but she came pretty dang close with this seven-minute epic. (John Mayer said he felt “humiliated” by the song, after which Swift told Glamour it was “presumptuous” of him to think that the song his ex wrote, that used his first name, was about him.) She sings the hell out of it, but when it comes to songs where Swift systematically outlines all the ways in which an older male celebrity is an inadequate partner, I think I prefer “All Too Well,” which is less wallow-y. I’ve seen it speculated that the guitar noodling on this track is meant as a parody of Mayer’s own late-’00s output, which if true would be deliciously petty.

19. “Red,” Red (2012): Re-eh-eh-ed, re-eh-eh-ed. Red’s title track sees the album’s maximalist style in full effect — who in their right mind would put Auto-Tune and banjos on the same track? But somehow, the overstuffing works here; it’s the audio equivalent of the lyrics’ synesthesia.

18. “I Did Something Bad,” Reputation (2017): It’s too bad Rihanna already has an album called Unapologetic, because that would have been a perfect title for Reputation, or maybe just this jubilant “Blank Space” sequel. Why the hell she didn’t release this one instead of “Look What You Made Me Do,” I’ll never know — not only does “Something Bad” sell the lack of remorse much better, it bangs harder than any other song on pop radio this summer except “Bodak Yellow.” Is that a raga chant? Are those fucking gunshots? Docked a spot or two for “They’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one,” which doth protest too much, but bumped up just as much for Swift’s first on-the-record “shit.”

17. “Forever & Always,” Fearless (2008): This blistering breakup song was the one that solidified Swift’s image as the pop star you dump at your own peril. (The boys in the debut were just Nashville randos; this one was about a Jonas Brother, back when that really meant something.) Obligatory fiddles aside, the original version is just about a perfect piece of pop-rock — dig how the guitars drop out at a pivotal moment — though the extended edition of Fearless also contains a piano version if you feel like having your guts ripped out. I have no idea what the lines about “rain in your bedroom” mean, but like the best lyrics, they make sense on an instinctual level. And to top it off, the track marks the introduction of Swift’s colloquial style — “Where is this GOoO-ING?” — that would serve her so well in the years to come.

16. “Mean,” Speak Now (2010): It takes some chutzpah to put a song complaining about mean people on the same album as “Better Than Revenge,” but lack of chutzpah has never been Swift’s problem. Get past that and you’ll find one of Swift’s most naturally appealing melodies and the joyful catharsis that comes with giving a bully what’s coming to them. (Some listeners have interpreted the “big enough so you can’t hit me” line to mean the song’s about abuse, but I’ve always read it as a figure of speech, as in “hit piece.”)

15. “Wildest Dreams,” 1989 (2014): Swift is in full control of her instrument here, with so much yearning in her voice that you’d swear every breath was about to be her last. For a singer often slammed as being sexless, those sighs in the chorus tell us everything we need to know. Bumped up a few spots for the invigorating double-time bridge, the best on 1989.

14. “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” Reputation (2017): Put aside the title, which can’t help but remind me of the time Hillary Clinton tweeted “delete your account.” The same way “I Did Something Bad” is the best possible version of “Look What You Made Me Do,” this is a much better rewrite of “Bad Blood.” Swift brings back the school-yard voice in the chorus, but also so much more: She does exaggerated politeness in the bridge, she spins the “Runaway” toast, she says the words “Therein lies the issue” like she’s been listening to Hamilton. The high point comes when she contemplates forgiving a hater, then bursts into an incredulous guffaw. Reader, I laughed out loud.

13. “Style,” 1989 (2014): The much-ballyhooed ’80s sound on 1989 often turned out to just mean Swift was using more synths than usual, but she nailed the vibe on this slinky single, which could have soundtracked a particularly romantic episode of Miami Vice. Despite the dress-up games in the chorus, this is one of the rare Swift love songs to feel truly adult: Both she and the guy have been down this road too many times to bullshit anymore. That road imagery is haunted by the prospect of death lurking around every hairpin turn — what’s sex without a little danger?

12. “Hey Stephen,” Fearless (2008): Who knew so many words rhymed with Stephen? They all come so naturally here. Swift is in the zone as a writer, performer, and producer on this winning deep cut, which gives us some wonderful sideways rhymes (“look like an angel” goes with “kiss you in the rain, so”), a trusty Hammond organ in the background, and a bunch of endearing little ad-libs, to say nothing of the kicker: “All those other girls, well they’re beautiful / But would they write a song for you?” For once, the mid-song laugh is entirely appropriate.

11. “Out of the Woods,” 1989 (2014): Like Max Martin, Antonoff’s influence as a collaborator has not been wholly positive: His penchant for big anthemic sounds can drown out the subtlety of Swift, and he’s been at the controls for some of her biggest misfires. But boy, does his Jack Antonoff thing work here, bringing a whole forest of drums to support Swift’s rapid-fire string of memories. The song’s bridge was apparently inspired by a snowmobile accident Swift was in with Harry Styles, an incident that never made the tabloids despite what seemed like round-the-clock coverage of the couple — a subtler reminder of the limits of media narratives than anything on Reputation.

10. “Love Story,” Fearless (2008): Full disclosure: This was the first Taylor Swift song I ever heard. (It was a freezing day in early 2009; I was buying shoes; basically, the situation was the total antithesis of anything that’s ever happened in a Taylor Swift song.) I didn’t like it at first. Who’s this girl singing about Romeo and Juliet, and doesn’t she know they die in the end?What I would soon learn was: not here they don’t, as Swift employs a key change so powerful it literally rewrites Shakespeare. The jury’s still out on the question of if she’s ever read the play, but she definitely hasn’t read The Scarlet Letter.

9. “State of Grace,” Red (2012): Swift’s songs are always full of interesting little nuggets you don’t notice until your 11th listen or so — a lyrical twist, maybe, or an unconventional drum fill — but most of them are fundamentally meant to be heard on the radio, which demands a certain type of songwriting and a certain type of sound. What a surprise it was, then, that Red opened with this big, expansive rock track, which sent dozens of Joshua Tree fans searching for their nearest pair of headphones. Another surprise: that she never tried to sound like this again. Having proven she could nail it on her first try, Swift set out to find other giants to slay.

8. “Ronan,” non-album digital single (2012): A collage of lines pulled from the blog of Maya Thompson, whose 3-year-old son had died of cancer, this charity single sees Swift turn herself into an effective conduit for the other woman’s grief. (Thompson gets a co-writing credit.) One of the most empathetic songs in Swift’s catalogue, as well as her most reliable tearjerker.

7. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” Red (2012): Flash back to 2012. Carly Rae Jepsen had a No. 1 hit. Freaking Gotye had a No. 1 hit. LMFAO had two. And yet Swift, arguably the biggest pop star in the country, had never had a No. 1 hit. (“You Belong With Me” and “Today Was a Fairytale” had both peaked at No. 2.) And so she called up Swedish pop cyborg Max Martin, the man who makes hits as regularly as you and I forget our car keys. The first song they wrote together is still their masterpiece, though it feels wrong to say that “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” was written; better to say that it was designed, as Swift and Martin turn almost every single second of the song’s 3:12 run time into a hook. Think of that guitar loop, the snippets of millennial-speak in the margins (“cuz like”), those spiraling “ooh”s, the spoken-word bit that could have been overheard at any brunch in America, and towering over it all, that gigantic “we.” Like all hyper-efficient products it feels like a visitor from some cold algorithmic future: The sense of joy here is so perfectly engineered that you get the sense it did not come entirely from human hands.

6. “Our Song,” Taylor Swift (2006): Swift wrote this one for her ninth-grade talent show, and I have a lovely time imagining all the other competitors getting the disappointment of their lives once they realized what they were up against. (“But nice job with that Green Day cover, Andy.”) Even at this early stage Swift had a knack for matching her biggest melodic hooks to sentences that would make them soar; that “’cause it’s late and your mama don’t know” is absolutely ecstatic. She’s said she heard the entire production in her head while writing, and on the record Nathan Chapman brings out all the tricks in the Nashville handbook, and even some that aren’t, like the compressed hip-hop drums in the final refrain.

5. “Mine,” Speak Now (2010): As catchy as her Max Martin songs, but with more of a soul, “Mine” wins a narrow victory over “Our Song” on account of having a better bridge. This one’s another fantasy, and you can kind of tell, but who cares — Paul McCartney didn’t really fall in love with a meter maid, either. Swift packs in so many captivating turns of phrase here, and she does it so naturally: It’s hard to believe no one else got to “you are the best thing that’s ever been mine” before her, and the line about “a careless man’s careful daughter” is so perfect that you instantly know everything about the guy. Let’s give a special shout-out to Nathan Chapman again: His backup vocals are the secret weapon of Speak Now, and they’re at their very best here.

4. “Blank Space,” 1989 (2014): You know how almost every other song that’s even a little bit like “Blank Space” ranks very low on this list? Yeah, that’s how hard a trick Swift pulls off on this 1989 single, which manages to satirize her man-eater image while also demonstrating exactly what makes that image so appealing. The gag takes a perfectly tuned barometer for tone: “Look What You Made Me Do” collapsed under the weight of its own self-obsession; “Better Than Revenge” didn’t quite get the right amount of humor in. But Swift’s long history of code-switching works wonders for her here, as she gives each line just the right spin — enough irony for us to get the jokes, enough sincerity that we’ll all sing along anyway. Martin and Shellback bring their usual bells and whistles, but they leave enough empty space in the mix for the words to ring out. Who wouldn’t want to write their name?

3. “Fifteen,” Fearless (2008): For many young people, the real experience of romance is the thinking about it, not the actual doing it. (For an increasing number, the thinking about it is all they’re doing.) Swift gets this almost instinctively, and never more than on this early ballad about her freshman year of high school, which plays like a gentle memoir. Listen to how the emotional high point of the second verse is not something that happens, but her reaction to it: “He’s got a car and you feel like flyyying.” She knows that the real thing is awkward, occasionally unpleasant, and almost guaranteed to disappoint you — the first sentence she wrote for this one was “Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind / We both cried,” a line that became exhibit B in the case of Taylor Swift v. Feminism — and she knows how fantasies can sustain you when nothing else will. “In your life you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team / but I didn’t know it at 15,” she sings, even though she’s only 18 herself. That there are plenty of people who spent their teenage years making out, smoking cigarettes, and reading Anaïs Nin doesn’t negate the fact that, for a lot of us squares, even the prospect of holding someone else’s hand could get us through an entire semester. Virgins need love songs, too.

2. “All Too Well,” Red (2012): It’s no wonder that music writers love this one: This is Swift at her most literary, with a string of impeccably observed details that could have come out of a New Yorker short story. “All Too Well” was the first song Swift wrote for Red; she hadn’t worked with Liz Rose since Fearless, but she called up her old collaborator to help her make sense of her jumble of memories from a relationship recently exploded. “She had a story and she wanted to say something specific. She had a lot of information,” Rose told Rolling Stone later. “I just let her go.” The original version featured something like eight verses; together the two women edited it down to a more manageable three, while still retaining its propulsive momentum. The finished song is a kaleidoscopic swirl of images — baby pictures at his parents’ house, “nights where you made me your own,” a scarf left in a drawer — always coming back to the insistence that these things happened, and they mattered: “I was there, I remember it all too well.” The words are so strong that the band mostly plays support; they don’t need anything flashier than a 4/4 thump and a big crescendo for each chorus. There are few moments on Red better than the one where Swift jumps into her upper register to deliver the knockout blow in the bridge. Just like the scarf, you can’t get rid of this song.

1. “You Belong With Me,” Fearless (2008): Swift was hanging out with a male friend one day when he took a call from his girlfriend. “He was completely on the defensive saying, ‘No, baby … I had to get off the phone really quickly … I tried to call you right back … Of course I love you. More than anything! Baby, I’m so sorry,’” she recalled. “She was just yelling at him! I felt so bad for him at that moment.” Out of that feeling, a classic was born. Swift had written great songs drawn from life before, but here she gave us a story of high school at its most archetypal: A sensitive underdog facing off with some prissy hot chick, in a battle to see which one of them really got a cute boy’s jokes. (Swift would play both women in the video; she had enough self-awareness to know that most outcasts are not tall, willowy blonde girls.) Rose says the song “just flowed out of” Swift, and you can feel that rush of inspiration in the way the lines bleed into each other, but there’s some subtle songcraft at work, too: Besides the lyrical switcheroos about who wears what, we also only get half the chorus the first go-round, just to save one more wallop for later. The line about short skirts and T-shirts will likely be mentioned in Swift’s obituary one day, and I think it’s key to the song’s, and by extension Swift’s, appeal: In my high school, even the most popular kids wore T-shirts.

Vulture

#taylor swift #rankings #reputation #music

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lenteur · 2 years ago

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bestie level?!?!?! please i might cry this is so sweet :( it was really fun to do! it was a work secret santa but we weren't given a list of what our person liked, we kinda had to just buy them something we thought they would like 🫶 luckily i had one if my best friends as mine and she was easy to buy for so i got her a candle and some dog socks!! 💞 i'll be making you a gifset 💖

they definitely are two very different people but sometimes those friendships can be so precious too 🖤 oh my god it's so HARD to just not bias the whole group!!!! 😡 i feel like lately wonwoo is about to slip into the bias list and i'm not prepared 😂

ahhh you're most welcome. the carat family is possibly the nicest fandom, everyone's so kind, and i'm so shy when it comes to making new friends because i struggle with anxiety but i've made some of the coolest friends in the carat family 🫶 i always make the mistake of listening to that song in public bc i really just want to start dancing in the middle of the street 😂

i think hao's lives are my favourite to watch, he's chill and i enjoy a nice live to watch when i'm not at my best ❤️

you can't not love seungkwan! i see a little bit of myself in him. there's a compilation of him on youtube of him getting angry and in one of the clips hoshi is saying he's the mafia and seungkwan looks like he's about to beat him up and it's just so funny 😭

oh my god that whole video is so cute 🖤 she's so so pretty 😭 tbf i would definitely be super shy around her too :((( bless your heart, you're so so sweet 🫶🧡

svt are just one of those groups where every single gose episode has you in fits of laughter 😂

a few of my favourite episodes are;

https://youtu.be/7-RbcrWTth4 - this is one of their mafia games, it's a two part. it's just so funny how SERIOUS hoshi gets in trying to figure out who the mafias are 😂

https://youtu.be/d1Tjh0mJBZU - i don't even know what to say about this tbh. it's just....chaos 😂 also a two part!

https://youtu.be/ncgd8GfklT0 - two part ❤️ again..... complete chaos 😭

https://youtu.be/hxTGug0k39s - the worst thing about svt is that i wanna play all of these games with them !!!! 😭 this one is a three part :)

https://youtu.be/XbNcsgEX2jc - this is also a two part 😂

ENJOY 🖤 i can always send more!!! i apologise for the late reply, i always see my family on weekends 🧡

i always talk too much, it's why i send big asks 🫶 i'm happy you're okay with long asks!!! ❤️

hi bestie 💞 thank you so much for answering so thoroughly ❤️ i appreciate it a lot (x3) first of all, i don't want you to apologise/worry about not answering quickly. i'd rather you spend time doing things you love than being here and feeling pressured to do things 💖

ooh! was it not difficult though? i mean being your best friend's secret santa hehe ^^' i can't imagine the stress of not getting caught/not letting too many clues out. btw the dog socks must have been the cutest thing ever. i'm sure she liked it a lot!

[big sigh] i feel the same about the bias thing in seventeen. i just finished watching all the gose episodes you recommended and i think my bias changed at least 25 times 😂😂😂

yes! carats are some of the chillest people i've ever seen. i think when you're a seventeen fan, they kind of rub off on you in a way. i mean the guys are so funny and (AJU) nice. it's only natural they attract people with the same mindset and personality 💗 also, all their interactions with other groups/idols are super wholesome :( like they make them feel like a part of the group 💘 sorry, i'm getting a little emotional rn

tbh seungkwan is one of the only people (along with the rest of seventeen) capable of making me smile so big :D there's a reason why a lot of people like and bias him 💟 i've known him from his variety show appearances and he's one of the funniest people on this planet. and what i like about him is that he's still super nice and friendly 🤍 anyway seungkwan is love, seungkwan is the friend we all dream to have

oh trust me when i say ahn sohee is one of the most beautiful women ever 😭 plus she's so sweet 😭 what's there not to like about her? tell me!

like i said, i've just finished watching all the gose episodes. it took me all day but it was SO worth it 💓 i haven't laughed like that in a long long time. they're all comedians at this point. they should add that to their resume. you can see how strong their friendship is because filming that many videos and still being able to bounce off of each other and make each other laugh... that's a strong friendship 💞 and they manage to catch your attention every single time! thank you so so much for the recs 💞 they made my day. bonus points for hao's outfit in the second part of that last video (playground). it's super duper cute.

you never have to worry about sending long asks with me because i really like reading them 💓

#lettre #dear anon #secret carat

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aliciameade · 7 years ago

Text

“Earned It”

This is for my anon who was having a really crappy week and it was only Tuesday. They asked very nicely for me to write them some sinful smut.

“Beca gets roped into giving Chloe a lapdance. Chloe's brain gets broken (like wtf) because surprisingly Beca is really good at the lapdance and not awkward. Not being able to stop thinking about it all evening, she later goes to Beca. The rest is up to you. “

So here we go!

"Guys, no. No, no, no," Beca says as her hands, one of them holding a beer, amplify her dissent. "We are too fucking old for Truth or Dare."

"Legacy's dumb butt is only 21; she brings down the average." This was all Amy's idea to begin with and Chloe agrees with her rationale.

"But Chloe and Aubrey are 28 so they cancel out her 21," Beca counters.

"Hey!" she and Aubrey protest in unison, and then they're all laughing because they're all a little bit tipsy on beer and cocktails lounging in pajamas in Chloe's hotel room.

While they all have their own rooms this tour stop in France, it seemed as though her ongoing flirtation with a certain military escort had earned her a bit of favoritism - thus far in the way of a suite in a fancy hotel in the South of France and a note on her guest account at check-in about all room and bottle service being gratis.

Which has led her and all her favorite people in the whole wide world (sans Stacie who was too pregnant to fly) to being piled onto couches, chairs, and the floor with open bottles of beer, liquor, and mixers littering every surface with a massive room service order, consisting mostly of appetizers and desserts, on the way.

"Too bad, Shawshank," Amy says with a tiny glass pilfered from the bathroom water glass collection filled with a clear liquid Chloe knew not to be water, and that settles it.

They're all old hands at Bellas Truth or Dare now, and Chloe knows how the evening will progress.

They're not drunk yet, just enough to have looser lips than usual and it starts off with truths which are prompts of what are intended to be deep or philosophical questions about their lives, like does Amy regret anything she's done and how does Emily feel about graduating in a couple months and how did Beca manage to put up with her boss at BFD for so long before quitting?

Dares start getting mixed in once everyone's answered a question or two, and they start innocently enough, or as innocent as dares designed to get each other more drunk could be considered. Amy dares her to drink a cocktail of whatever she decides to pour, and Chloe swallows it with little more than a shudder at the bitter burn; she's grown all but immune to Amy's best/worst concoctions over the years. Chloe decides Beca's been far too quiet through all this and dares her to do the same - drink an Amy Cocktail.

She does, and she's less graceful about it than Chloe was but she still handles it well for what it is.

It hits Beca about 20 minutes later, and they all know that when Beca's officially drunk, the party officially begins. They know it hits her because she's belly-laughing at Flo, who just tripped over a discarded shoe and while Chloe saw it happen and it wasn't really that funny, Beca's all but in tears over it and hanging half off the couch, saved from falling only by Chloe managing to catch her around the waist and pull her back.

Chloe's laughing, too, but her joy is really directed at Beca and the joy on her face that has been a bit elusive as of late. Work was really getting to Beca, and while she used to come home every day keyed up about whatever awesome hook she came up with, the last few weeks she'd come home emotionally and creatively drained, doing little more than flopping into bed and doing anything but talk about work and music.

She gives a yank and pulls Beca upright again and then smiles as Beca lets the momentum carry her right into leaning against Chloe.

Beca's personal boundaries have broken down a lot over the years. Her walls used to be visible from outer space, but with time, brick by brick, after meaningful conversations and mutual stress crying and victories and losses and break-ups and life just happening to them, the Beca who Chloe met seven years ago was a distant memory in certain ways.

New Beca - this adult, grown-up, mature Beca who'd been there for Chloe through thick and thin, and Chloe for her in return - was a person who made it really hard for Chloe not to fall in love with her.

(That's a lie. She fell in love with her seven years ago and all time has done for Chloe is make her fall even deeper.)

Chloe pretends not to think about that as she moves her arm so Beca can lean against her more comfortably while they both sip their drinks - now toned-down versions of Amy's craziness.

They watch the dares go down together, laughing at the absurd and often immature things they're all daring one another to do. Beca's laughter only makes her laugh harder, and more than once she's wiping tears from her cheeks while Beca does the same.

"Chloe!"

"Yeah, boss!" she responds automatically, a permanent grin now in place.

"Truth or dare?" Aubrey asks.

"Ooh, dare!" she says with a shimmy of her shoulders that jiggles Beca a little, too, and she waits while Aubrey - an amusingly drunk Aubrey - works on thinking up a dare for her.

There are many recommendations thrown her way from the other girls but Aubrey repeatedly brushes them aside until she holds up her index finger in decision. "I dare you to call Chicago and make him think you want to have phone sex."

There's a collective gasp and a chorus of approvals and when there's no audible response from Beca, she glances at her and then suddenly Beca's ooh'ing as well. She doesn't let her drunk mind think too long about that as she retrieves her cell phone from her pocket to pull up Chicago's number. "That's it?" she asks as though she's bored by the dare because she kind of is. Aside from Beca's delayed reaction. "These are supposed to be hard, Bree."

"On speaker," Aubrey adds as Chloe taps to connect the call.

She rolls her eyes as though it's all the more boring because that's her game. Sex is No Big Deal for Chloe. She has it. Often. She likes it. Everyone knows she likes it. No one judges her for it. No one would be surprised that she is unbothered by starting phone sex on speaker with a room full of other people.

Except Chloe is bothered by one person observing this, and that person is still leaning against her as the phone crackles a little before the signal clears and it rings.

"Hello?"

She pushes that little thought out of her mind and pitches up her voice, her best flirtation tone that always lands her the free drinks at the bar or the forgiven speeding ticket. "Hey, you! It's Chloe!"

"Chloe, hi! How are you? Everything okay at the hotel?"

She twirls a lock of hair around her finger to help her get more into character. "Oh, the hotel is super nice. You got this big room just for me?"

There's a masculine chuckle from the other end of the line. "Thought you might like it. Top shelf digs for a top shelf lady."

The tacky comment garners a quick reaction from her audience and she rushes to mute the call before he knows they aren't alone. She shushes them all and once they're silent, opens the line again. "Oh, I love it," she says, dragging out one word a little longer than necessary. "But the girls are tired from the flight and I'm all alone and I...well, I…" she trails off, pretending to be embarrassed.

"You what?" His voice sounds a little lower than before, and Chloe knows she already has him on the hook.

"Well, I'm just so lonely and…" she trails off again, this time finishing with a quiet sigh.

"And?" He sounds eager and she has to mute the call for a second to let the girls laugh and comment.

She clears her throat and twirls her hair again. "And I just...mmm...honestly, I can't stop thinking about how broad your shoulders are and how strong your hands seem and…"

"And?" He repeats, and there's a distinct rustling sound that accompanies it.

"And I…" she moans again, this time a little more obvious with her intent, "...I keep imagining how they'd feel on my skin."

There's silence on the end of the line and she bites her lip, muting the call just in case there's a reaction but everyone else in the room is silent, too, on pins and needles. And then -

"Are you...Chloe, are you -"

"Uh huh," she answers quickly with a pitiful sounding moan.

"Shit." It's spoken as an exhale. "You are so fuck-"

That was her cue. "Oh, oh my gosh! Chicago, I'm so sorry, someone's at my door. I have to go. Thank you again for the room; I'll see you tomorrow at 8:00!" She disconnects the call before he can respond and the room falls apart.

There's laughter and imitations of her squeaky bimbo moaning and she's shrugging like it's nothing.

Like she can't feel the way Beca's hand is clawing into her thigh and how Beca's eyes are burning a hole through her right now.

Chloe dares Amy to go streaking because Amy loves a good streaking. Amy dares Ashley to go down to the lobby with Jessica and get into an argument with a stranger by claiming the world is flat. Ashley dares Flo to let them prank call someone in her phone contacts. Flo dares Emily to kiss the room service waiter whenever he finally arrives, so that dare is suspended until the time comes.

"Beca!"

"Hm, what?" Beca sits up from where she's been leaning more and more heavily against Chloe, still laughing and egging on her friends despite sinking further into Chloe.

"Truth or dare?" Emily asks and she's grinning so hard Chloe knows she already has her question or dare chosen.

"I don't know what you bitches could possibly not already know about me. But If you don't know it, I don't want you to. So, dare," she says resolutely with a nod.

"I dare you to give a lap dance -"

"What?" Beca interrupts.

Emily's gaze lands on Chloe and Chloe feels her heart stop.

"- to Chloe."

There's a moment where every single person in the room is silent.

And then there are seven girls who are shouting and laughing and pounding fists on tables and chairs, and Emily, who Chloe suspects might have been given that idea by someone else, is happily accepting everyone's praise for her dare, and she and Beca are sitting stone-still.

"Well? Let's get on with the show!" Amy says with an excited and conspiratorial clap of her hands. "This night needs some sexing up."

"You're all bitches, you know that, right?" Beca says as though she's not at all bothered by the dare. "I get to pick the music."

Then Beca's up and off the couch to click around in Spotify on Cynthia-Rose's laptop which is connected to the surround sound system of the room and Chloe's being pulled by both hands off the couch and guided to a chair someone's placed in the middle of the room in front of all the other seating, her back to everyone else.

Chloe's acutely aware that she hasn't actually responded to this situation yet, but everyone else is so busy doing so that no one seems to notice.

She's not quite sure how she would respond if she had to.

She sits down hard and tries her best to join in with everyone's laughter about hilarious the concept of "Beca giving someone a lap dance" is because, despite the rush of adrenaline and alcohol coursing through her veins, she can't actually envision Beca doing it. Or doing it well.

She's seen Beca dance. That's definitely an understatement. She's seen her dance, danced with her, taught her dance moves, even sexy ones. Beca can dance, and dance well. And sexily, when she wants to, or when she's not really trying to.

But the concept of Beca, in a room full of observers, giving anyone, let alone a fellow Bella, let alone Chloe, a lap dance that is anything other than something designed to be a huge joke is not one she considers.

This is going to be dumb and hilarious and Beca's probably going to do the robot to the tune of "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Her first warning should have been the hard, slow beat of the strings and snare drum that echo through the room when Beca finds her song.

Her second warning should have been the way, when Beca turns back from the computer (now playing "Earned It" by The Weeknd) wearing an overconfident smirk, everyone in the room wolf-whistles.

You make it look like it's magic 'Cause I see nobody, nobody but you, you, you

Her third warning should have been the way Beca walks toward her, not really doing anything other than matching the pace of the song with her steps, though her hips seem to swing a little more than normal, her posture seems more relaxed, until she stops a few inches in front of Chloe.

I'm never confused Hey, hey I'm so used to being used So I love when you call unexpected

She just stands there smirking down at Chloe who swallows hard and tries not to look like she's internally freaking out about all this. It feels a lot like she's being lulled into a false sense of security, but that's just ridiculous because Beca's about to do something dumb to make everyone laugh -

'Cause I hate when the moment's expected

Beca's hands move to the back of her own neck and her back arches and she flips her hair while her hips swivel in a slow circle like she's done this a thousand times.

It makes everyone in the room break out once again in catcalls and whistles.

So I'ma care for you, you, you I'ma care for you, you, you, you, yeah

Everyone, that is, but Chloe.

It just makes Chloe's blood run cold and her face turn hot.

She tries to play it off, but she knows Beca can see right through her. They've known each other long enough to see past bullshit and she knows Beca can see the effect the simple move had on her.

'Cause girl you're perfect You're always worth it And you deserve it The way you work it

The circle Beca's hips traveled to kick off this little routine, Chloe learns right away, is an endless one. They move with the slow, rocking beat of the song and Beca's hands start drifting down from her neck, over her collar bones, over her chest and Chloe has to squint to not follow their journey so obviously, and she's really quite glad that everyone else is seated behind her.

Beca's the only one seeing her reaction to this.

'Cause girl you earned it, yeah Girl you earned it, yeah

And the look on Beca's face, some mix of amusement and intrigue with dark eyes makes Chloe swallow hard.

You know our love would be tragic So you don't pay it, don't pay it no mind

Beca's hands make it to her hips and they seem to guide them through another circle and then they're moving north again, over her stomach and Chloe notices that a couple of Beca's fingers seem to catch (purposefully?) on the hem of her hoodie and it lifts a few inches before dropping back into place.

Chloe thinks she hears more whistling, but her ears are starting to sort of have a constant hum going so it's hard to be sure.

Beca's knees bump hers and Chloe wonders when she got close enough for that to happen. Her hands are still backtracking and Chloe starts to give up on trying not to stare at the way Beca's fingers trace the zipper of the hoodie, and then -

We live with no lies Hey, hey And you're my favorite kind of night

Those fingers tug the zipper down an inch.

There's definitely whistles this time; they're loud enough to break through the sound of blood rushing in her brain, but she seems to have lost the ability to respond or react beyond blinking.

So she just blinks at Beca and has to sit there and take the way Beca's staring at her while she pulls it down another two inches.

And then another two.

So I love when you call unexpected 'Cause I hate when the moment's expected

After that, Chloe can see not only the strip of smooth skin that runs from Beca's throat to her sternum but also the navy blue of the bra she's wearing. But she only sees it for a second because Beca spins to turn her back to Chloe and plants her feet wide, hips still following that circle, but now she's bending forward, just the slightest bit, and arching her back hard, and she's definitely putting her ass right in Chloe's face.

So I'ma care for you, you, you I'ma care for you, you, you, you, yeah

Now no one can see her reaction and she doesn't know how long she has so she stares. She stares hard at the shape of it hugged in Beca's yoga pants, how it's so nicely heart-shaped and it's hard not to think that the triangle of empty space formed by Beca's stance wasn't made with Chloe's hand fitting into it in mind.

So she stares at it and imagines what's beneath the few millimeters of fabric.

'Cause girl you're perfect You're always worth it

She has to jerk her eyes up quickly when Beca turns around again, and Chloe knows Beca knows because she knows it's written all over her face. She's turned on and Beca smirks at her again like she's proud of it.

In what Chloe feels is a particularly unfair and vindictive action, Beca pulls a move right out of Chloe's own playbook; she taught her Beca's sophomore year.

She grinds it low.

And you deserve it The way you work it

She doesn't drop it low.

She grinds it low - a slow, gyrating move that takes Beca lower and lower until she's crouched in front of Chloe.

'Cause girl you earned it Girl you earned it

She grabs Chloe's knees, and maybe it's for balance, but Chloe's pretty sure it's not, because Beca snaps them open.

Beca literally parts Chloe's legs.

On that lonely night You said it wouldn't be love

She spares a thought toward wondering if she could become dehydrated from how much her palms are sweating right now but then she's distracted by the way Beca's looking up at her -

But we felt the rush It made us believe it there was only us

- and by the way Beca body rolls her way back upright, moving through the space she made between Chloe's legs.

Convinced we were broken inside, yeah Inside, yeah

Her hips never stop and Chloe feels hypnotized by them and the way Beca keeps touching herself, especially how her hands are traveling up her torso again and Chloe's pretty sure they're going to get to her breasts in a second and with Beca's hoodie open how it is she can already see a hint of cleavage. She's not quite sure how she's going to survive it if Beca does something like push her breasts together to amplify it.

She learns she can survive it because Beca does just that, but it doesn't last long, as though her unexpected confidence faltered for a second. Chloe wonders if it has to do with the way she knows she's staring hungrily at her, if it's maybe too much or too intense because this is all meant to be a big joke and she's creeping out Beca.

But the confidence is back after the momentary lapse and Beca glances down at Chloe's lap like she's really and truly considering sitting on it.

Chloe feels lightheaded and she sees Beca's foot come off the ground to -

"Legacy!" Amy's voice barrels through the fog in her brain like a train. "Room service is here! Time to come kiss this bloke!"

Beca's foot's back on the ground but she hasn't moved other than that. She's staring down at Chloe, and the confidence is gone. Now she's blushing and seems to notice on a delay that her hands are tangled up in her hair where she'd been tousling it and rips them out of it to cross her arms across her chest.

It amplifies her cleavage better than her hands did a second ago and Chloe's still recovering and she looks right at it, something she shouldn't have done with the spell broken but she is broken.

Beca broke her.

Beca notices Chloe's stare and grabs the zipper to tug it all the way to her throat and then she's shuffling away, a stiff march with her head down straight into the bathroom where Chloe hears the door lock.

She's still in her chair staring straight ahead at nothing, and for everything that just happened, no one in the room seems to care. She hears them like they're a movie playing in the background, and she can tell they're encouraging Emily to kiss the room service delivery guy who's apparently brought their desserts and appetizers.

"Damn, who knew Beca had moves like that?" Cynthia-Rose says with a clap to Chloe's back and she's finally snapped out of it. "I don't think I've ever been more jealous of you than I was just now."

She manages a laugh and peels herself out of the chair. She's painfully aware that she's flushed and sweating in several areas of her body, and she could really use a dry pair of underwear. "Right?" She clears her throat because it's embarrassingly rough. "I mean, I taught her everything she knows, so I'm not totally surprised."

Beca calls it a night when she returns from the bathroom to the protest of everyone. Chloe thinks she was in there for awhile, and she hopes she's okay. It's rarely a good sign when one of them is drunk, spends 10 minutes in the bathroom, and then says they have to go to bed.

Beca doesn't look sick, though, but she doesn't look normal, either, so Chloe doesn't worry about her being sick.

She does worry about how she feels about the way Chloe watched her dancing and if that's why Beca rather obviously hugged everyone goodnight except her.

She tries to re-engage herself in the party. She tries, she really tries. But she is more than a little distracted and more than a little confused and aroused, and while she really loves her friends, she needs them to leave so she can find some relief.

They finally haul themselves back to their rooms around 2:00 am and when she locks her hotel room door behind them, she lets her forehead fall against it and releases the groan of painful agony she's been holding back for hours.

"Jesus," she mutters to herself, just standing there for a minute before mustering the motivation to wash up for bed.

She strips out of her clothes and brushes her teeth and washes her face and falls into bed with a sigh. She just stares at the ceiling for awhile; there's a lot going on in her brain to unpack, and all of it has to do with Beca and how Beca looked at her while giving her that lap dance from hell (heaven?) and how Beca looked while giving her that lap dance.

It's been awhile since she touched herself while thinking of Beca. She'd managed, more or less, to stifle that urge once they'd moved in together with Amy. It was hard enough sharing a studio apartment with two other people and having zero privacy. She had to break the habit of moaning Beca's name if she was going to ensure that she'd never be moaning it where Beca might hear her.

She won't hear her tonight, though, because Chloe blissfully has the room to herself and she lets her left hand trace idle circles around her breast, teasing it to attention while she remembers how Beca slowly unzipped her sweatshirt so Chloe could see her cleavage.

She lets her right hand wander over her bare abdomen and then slides it straight down; she doesn't need the foreplay - she had plenty of that earlier.

The relief is sweet and she keeps replaying the way Beca smirked at her when she was between Chloe's knees.

Her fantasy spins quickly and she feels drunk on lust and still feels broken by what Beca did earlier and a vision interrupts her fantasy.

An idea.

A terrible, horrible, sinful idea that has her on her feet driven by pure lust and desperation. She pulls on the shorts and tank top she hadn't yet got around to wearing for bed, grabs the key card to her room, and strides down the hall to the room three doors down from her own.

It's the middle of the night and Beca left the party hours ago, but Chloe's not thinking straight. Literally, nothing about her feels straight right now, and there's no light visible beneath Beca's door, and she knows she might wake her up, but she doesn't really care. She wants Beca awake.

She wants Beca.

She knocks loud enough to be heard but hopefully not so loud the other girls decide to investigate.

The hallway remains silent and she waits a painfully long time, long enough that she starts wondering what she's doing and calling herself an idiot, and as soon as she turns to leave she hears the chain on the door slide and the deadbolt pop.

"Everything okay?" Beca asks and Chloe notices she doesn't look like she just woke up. It is always obvious when Beca's just woken up, and while Beca definitely looks sleepy, and is still wearing the yoga pants and hoodie, she wasn't asleep.

Chloe thinks that's a very loaded question and she's not quite sure how to answer it. So she goes with a safe, "Can I come in?"

Beca hesitates but then opens the door fully and steps aside to let her pass. "Uh, yeah. Sure."

Chloe hears her lock it behind her and she can't stop the shiver that runs down her back. Beca's room isn't the suite hers is, but it's still really nice and the only things Beca has unpacked are her laptop and her performance outfit for tomorrow, and Chloe thinks there's nothing more Beca than that.

The room is also dark save for the lights of the city coming in through the window, curtains not yet drawn.

She takes a seat on the foot of Beca's half-made bed. It's clear Beca had been in it, the covers on one side turned back but not completely disheveled, and Beca's phone is laying on the quilt open to a text message conversation that Chloe can't read.

"What's up?" Beca asks, having followed her but stopping several feet away. The distance feels weird. "Anyone pass out or puke?"

"No, thankfully." She shakes her head and folds her hands in her lap to keep from fidgeting.

"It's almost 3:00 am, Chlo. Why aren't you asleep?"

"Why aren't you?" she fires back; it's not aggressive, but she knows it came across more pointedly than she intended.

Beca sighs and pushes a hand through her hair before deciding to grab it and tie it up into the sloppy bun she always wears to bed. "I can't shut my brain off."

"Yeah, same." Chloe's nervous, but it's still just Beca, and she's still horny, and before she second guesses herself, she adds, "I keep replaying it."

She doesn't specify what, exactly, she's referring to, but she doesn't need to because Beca's arms drop heavily to her sides as soon as they finish with the hair elastic. "What?"

She presses her fingernails of her right hand into the palm of her left to keep her brain occupied with something other than what it's trying to recall. "Your - the lap dance."

"No, I figured. I mean…" Beca huffs and makes to run her hand through her hair again but remembers it's already tied up and presses a hand to her forehead instead and closes her eyes. "Why do you keep replaying it?" she asks in a tight voice.

Beca not looking at her makes it easier to answer, "It was so, so sexy, Beca." She sees Beca swallow and it doesn't look like she's ready to respond, so she dares to add, "You...I...you really turned me on."

Beca seems to let out a breath Chloe didn't notice her holding and she opens her eyes. "It was just a stupid dare."

"You really put a lot into it for being a stupid dare."

Beca closes her eyes again and her head tilts like she's fighting the urge to cough. "Why'd you come here?"

"I told you." Chloe swallows because she's about to kick down the last shred of platonicity between them. "You turned me on and I can't sleep."

Beca presses the heel of her hand to the bridge of her nose, eyes still closed tightly. "So you came here?"

She licks her lips and untwists her hands to put them behind her on the bed and leans back a little. "I thought you could do something about it."

She sees Beca's eyes snap open and slide to look at her though her hand stays pressed to her forehead. "What?"

Chloe shrugs. "Figured you should finish what you started."

Beca's arm falls limply to her side again and she stares at Chloe. "What are you…are you drunk?"

"No. Here." She leans back further until her hand finds Beca's phone and she tosses it to her, which she catches with a flurry of motion as she wasn't ready to catch it. "You can pick the song again."

She can almost hear Beca's mind at work sifting through Chloe's words and intentions and possibilities and consequences. She knows because her brain just did the same thing. Beca's thinking through things while she looks at her phone, and Chloe can't see what's on her phone from her seat on the bed and while it could be anything, she really hopes Beca's looking for a song.

It's silent for a long time and still is when Beca finally takes a step. And another. And another until she's actually a normal distance from Chloe rather than the several feet of the last several minutes. She's only a couple feet away now, chewing on her lip while she keeps looking at her phone and while Chloe takes and holds her breath.

She has to; Beca looks up and meets her eyes and she can see that a decision has been made.

Her thumb taps the screen and a piano chord fills the silence through a speaker somewhere in the room, and -

Take off those heels, lay on my bed Whisper dirty secrets while I'm pulling on your hair

Chloe feels her chest tighten because SoMo's "Ride" is one of the sexiest songs she knows. She watches Beca set her phone on the dresser and then move closer. Close enough until their knees are almost touching. She tilts her chin up to look at Beca, who's looking down at her. It's not the same cocky smirk from earlier; it's something different. Something darker. Deeper.

Poison in our veins, but we don't even care Candles dripping on your body, baby this ain't truth or dare

It's almost imperceptible, but Chloe can see it; her body's rocking, the tiniest bit, to the beat of the song and Chloe takes another deep breath and nods.

Everybody wonders where we run off to My body on your body, baby sticking like some glue

Beca doesn't acknowledge it, not really. Not in any explicit way. But she does reach up and let down the hair she just tied up two minutes ago and runs her fingers through it a few times in a way that feels a little more intentional than usual.

Naughty, let's get naughty, girl it's only one or two The fevers fucking running, feel the heat between us two

She flips it back on beat and with the motion, it becomes obvious that her hips are also on beat with the song and Chloe starts to feel drunk because it's apparent Beca's going to give her an encore performance - this time, a private dance.

What Chloe expects, if it can even be considered expectation and not fantasy, is to watch Beca tease her again, dancing just out of reach, to play along with the 'look but don't touch' lap dance scenario.

What she does not expect is for Beca, in one smooth rush of movement, to straddle her lap on her knees and drape her arms over Chloe's shoulders for the heavy and sexy chorus.

I'm gon' ride, I'm gon' ride I'm gon' ride, I'm, I'm gon' ride on you baby On you lady, all night, all night

"Oh my God," she whispers to herself but she knows Beca heard it because the confident smirk makes a quick appearance before it's gone and Beca's eyes close as her hips move.

I'm gonna take care of your body I'll be gentle, don't you scream Getting hotter, make it softer Feel your chest on top of me

The motion brings her in contact with Chloe's body repeatedly, specifically, her barely-clothed breasts and the teasing contact is torturous. It's not even Beca's body, really - it's her loose-fitting hoodie that Chloe knows has only a bra under it. A navy blue one.

She presses her hands harder into the mattress to hold herself up. Beca's position has her throat at the level of Chloe's mouth and it takes every ounce of self-control to fight the urge to lean forward and press her lips to her skin.

Her self-control is running on fumes, though; she burned most of it back in her own hotel room, and she fails. She leans forward, little more than a tilting of her chin, and presses a wet, open-mouthed kiss to the hollow of Beca's throat.

I'm gon' make you feel that loving Getting weak all in your knees Kiss your body from the tip-top All the way down to your feet

She hears Beca's reaction, a gasp and a falter of her rhythm, and then she feels a hand snake through her hair and grip lightly. It makes Chloe want to groan and she almost does, but manages to stop it; she doesn't want to miss the sound Beca makes as she draws a thin line with the tip of her tongue along the neckline of the hoodie she so desperately wants gone.

The sound Beca makes is a breathy whimper and it makes Chloe's thighs press together in immediate desperation. Somehow Beca keeps her rhythm this time and that's sexier for Chloe.

It's made even sexier when Beca shifts her stance to actually sit astride Chloe's lap rather than hovering above it.

And her rhythm doesn't falter.

She grinds forward into Chloe and Chloe can't stop the moan that escapes her lips. She knows this is happening now; there's no more dare pretense, no more potential trickery. Beca's hand is clutching her hair and keeping her close as she tilts her head to the side to offer up the expanse of neck Chloe's wanted to lick, mark, and bite for the better part of a decade.

So she does. And she does it with another moan as she flattens her tongue against Beca's skin before sucking on it. She's not overzealous with it; they aren't teenagers and Beca has a revealing Bellas costume to wear tomorrow night, but she can't resist leaving the faintest purple mark.

She feels Beca's reaction, a vibration in her throat of a choked-back moan, and Chloe pulls back. She pulls back enough for her absence to be noticeable and she looks up at Beca to wait.

"Why'd you stop?" Beca asks as she opens her eyes and looks down at Chloe.

The look in her eyes makes Chloe's heart pound harder if that was even possible at this point. She's never seen Beca turned on, but this is definitely what she looks like turned on. "I didn't," she says with a hot exhale as she sits forward and wraps her arms around Beca's waist as she captures Beca's lips with her own.

She feels Beca sigh into the kiss and she can't help but do the same. Kissing Beca is better than what it was in her endless fantasies. Beca kisses her back with an enthusiasm she didn't quite expect, though she thinks maybe she should have given her affinity for grinding herself on Chloe's lap.

Their kiss grows hot and needy and Chloe feels Beca shiver when Chloe's tongue slides over hers. Beca's still moving, still grinding and it's making Chloe's toes curl. Her rhythm is almost flawless but it slips a few times when Chloe gets a little more aggressive with her kissing and nips her lower lip or catches her tongue between her lips.

The cold metal zipper of Beca's hoodie keeps scratching at Chloe's bare upper chest and in a flurry of thoughtless annoyance, Chloe grabs it and whips the zipper down in one go.

Beca makes a sound of surprise but doesn't stop kissing Chloe, so her relief is two-fold: no more scratching, and now Beca's hoodie is open.

She doesn't look; her eyes are closed and she's far more interested in keeping them closed while they do filthy things to one another's mouths. But she wants to touch, so she reaches blindly and easily finds the warm bare skin of Beca's stomach. She glides her hand up, excited to feel and find out if that navy blue bra is lace or satin or cotton.

What she doesn't expect is for her hand to run straight into a completely bare breast.

They both gasp and it breaks their kiss and while they both freeze, she doesn't remove her hand. Beca's naked breast is in her hand and she can feel its soft peak pressing into her palm. "I thought you were wearing a bra," she manages to say, feeling like she should apologize for the ambush.

"I took it off."

"Yeah, I...I can tell." She decides to test the waters, to see if they're even still in the waters, and lets her hand squeeze lightly.

Beca's response is to drop her mouth back onto Chloe's and thrust her hips forward, hard enough that Chloe has to let the momentum carry her all the way down until she's on her back, Beca still upright on her knees above her.

"Why'd you stop?" Chloe echoes, this time being the one to smirk because there's no more mystery where they're going tonight. Now she can be confident that they both want this. She lets her eyes drop to Beca's chest, still covered by her hoodie though Chloe can see the hint of inner curves. She sees Beca track her line of sight and then Beca's hands move, and then stop as though considering, and then move again.

They move to strip herself of her hoodie and toss it aside, leaving herself completely topless on her knees straddling Chloe. "I didn't," Beca breathes before falling forward and right into another kiss.

Chloe catches her and wraps her arms around her; she's hugged Beca hundreds of times but never like this, never with her tongue in her mouth, never with her topless, never with Chloe's fingernails dragging down her bare back to make it arch and break out into goosebumps.

She feels Beca shift to support herself on one elbow and she steels herself for something new to get mixed into this equation. She doesn't have much time to do that, though, before Beca's hand shows up on her waist and immediately starts sliding north, confidently up and over until it's Chloe's bare breast being squeezed.

"I knew you weren't wearing a bra," Beca whispers between kisses and all Chloe can do is moan into it.

She lets her hands travel further down Beca's back until they're on her ass and pulls, bringing Beca's pelvis right down and into her own and she groans, trying to convey how badly she needs Beca right now.

It might have worked because Beca's wandering hand reverts its path, retreating from under her tank top to rotate and move down until her fingertips slip under the waistband of her shorts.

They stop there and Beca slows down their kiss. "Are you -"

"Please, Beca," she answers before Beca can finish asking if she's sure. She's never been more sure about anything in her life than this moment. She pulls Beca back down to kiss her and revels in the way her silky smooth hair feels between her fingers, but she doesn't get to revel in it very long.

She has other feelings to think about, most notably how it feels to have Beca's hand slip down the front of her shorts.

"Fuck," Beca whispers against her lips when feels her fingertips brush the soft curls of the strip she got waxed right before this trip.

Chloe sinks further into the bed beneath her; she's helpless but to wait for it. And Beca does make her wait for it. She spends an agonizing amount of time tracing the edges of that wax job, never following it down far enough to stop tormenting her.

She finally gives in and whimpers a "Beca," while lifting her hips and Beca kisses her again just as her fingers move lower and slip over the wetness begging for attention for hours. Or, more accurately, begging for Beca's attention for seven years.

Chloe tries to moan but all she hears is Beca moaning; she's not sure she made any sound at all. She can barely manage to breathe let alone anything else. Beca's fingers are on her, exploring her, tracing her, and Beca's tongue is deep in her mouth.

She doesn't have the ability or desire to do anything but lay there and let Beca take her.

"God," Beca says with a gasp as she breaks away so they can both breathe for a second. "You're so wet."

Chloe nods and pitches her hips up. She wants a rhythm again. She wants hard and fast and Beca's being soft and slow. "I want you," she finally manages.

Beca's answering moan feels almost predatory and Chloe wonders if Beca likes being told she's desired.

"I want you so fucking much," she says experimentally.

"Fuck, I want you, too." Beca sounds breathless and it only turns Chloe on more.

She tries to part her legs further but can't with Beca straddling her how she is. Beca notices right away, moving off Chloe to lay on her side next to her instead of over her, and with almost no preamble, as soon as she's settled and as soon as Chloe opens her legs, Beca is inside of her.

The "Oh my God," that she means to say instead comes out as a moan. She has to open her eyes and glance to her left to make sure this is all real, that it's really Beca doing this and not a really, really good fantasy.

But Beca's there, face flushed and eyes cast down where her hand has disappeared into Chloe's shorts, watching it. Chloe reaches for her, the angle awkward with the proximity and using her left hand, but she needs to touch Beca, has to feel her now, and she fumbles for a second getting her fingers under the snug waistband of Beca's pants.

Beca's halfway to a "You don't have to" protest when Chloe has warm wetness beneath her fingertips.

"God, Beca," she moans. She doesn't tease like Beca did and still is. She presses down and works her fingers in circles and almost drools when Beca actually parts her knees and shifts so she can keep them open easily.

Beca's groan is throaty, a mix of almost-words, and she finally follows suit, pulling her fingers back to mirror Chloe's movements.

"Just like that," Chloe nods and she lets her eyes fall closed.

She feels Beca kissing her, not quite on her lips because Beca would have to move too much to accomplish that and the fact that Beca doesn't want to take herself out of reach of Chloe's fingers does wonders for how close she is.

She lets her hips rock, setting their own rhythm for Beca to follow, and then Chloe's fingers follow that rhythm on Beca, and they're moving as one, grinding against fingers and sharing breaths and exchanging moans.

Chloe feels it, she feels it twisting up low in her stomach. "I'm so close," she breathes between moans and she feels Beca double-down in her efforts, shifting so that she's almost over Chloe again. It pins her hand between them but it's still between Beca's thighs and Beca's still grinding herself against it.

"Me, too," Beca says before kissing her.

That's what sets her off. Beca telling her she's going to come. The pleasure rocks her hard and for a few seconds, all she can see is darkness until she manages to open her eyes, still coming as she watches Beca fall apart above her and against her hand.

Chloe loves music and harmony and perfect pitch, but the sound of Beca in ecstasy blows all other sounds out of the water for her.

"Oh my God," Beca groans as it subsides for her and she collapses, half onto Chloe, half onto the bed. She lifts her knee just enough for Chloe to reclaim her hand and she's grateful, not because she wants to remove it, but because her arm was going to fall asleep if she didn't.

"Mhmm," is all Chloe can manage and she tilts her head to the side to kiss whatever her mouth runs into, which is some part of Beca's face but not her lips.

Beca snuggles into her, actually snuggles into her and briefly Chloe wonders if perhaps she died in a freak accident earlier in the night because surely she's in heaven. She slips her arm under Beca to hold her and lazily trails her fingertips in random patterns across Beca's back. She feels Beca heave a deep sigh and it manages to make her giggle, it's so dramatic-seeming.

"Good?"

Beca rumbles with quiet laughter. "Dude. You were there. That was fucking amazing."

She smiles and lifts her head to kiss Beca's hair. "I'm so glad that happened."

Beca is quiet and for a minute she wonders if she said something wrong, but then she feels Beca's hand pushing up the hem of her tank top, higher and higher until she has it up and over Chloe's breasts, exposing them to her mouth, which has apparently decided it’s supposed to be on them. Her tongue flicks over Chloe's left nipple and it makes her bite down on a moan.

Beca sits up at the sound and flashes a grin. "Remind me to thank Legacy later."

Part 2 - “Worth It”

#bechloe #bechloe fanfic #long post #fanfic #earned it

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tancong · 7 years ago

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Gency Week: Day 3

This is the first time I actually wrote about a wedding. My ships? Being happy? It’s more likely than you think.

Title: A Deal Sealed and a Kiss not Missed Theme: Wedding Word Count: 2108 Rating: G (for God I’m so happy for them)

There were a lot of things that happened in the following years. Angela became more proficient at magic, thanks to her studying and a few close-death encounters with some assassin or another. Genji almost lost his arm and legs more times than they could count on both their hands. Despite it all, she became bolder. She began to assert her position within the family, not standing to be viewed as a weak child who needs the attention of some pompous prince any longer. She still hid Genji, of course. Even she was worried about what may happen if her family found out in a bad light.

However, Reinhardt eventually found out. She could only sneak out so many times before he caught her at least once. Not Genji, just her trying to leave. Whenever she left with Genji, not a soul would be able to tell. However, he was not always available to catch her falling out of her window. It was definitely fun when he does that for her but sometimes, she had to climb down the tree. Oh, she could fly a bit now. That gave Genji quite a surprise when she had shown it to him. Yet another discovery made from a near-death experience.

The first few times, he let her go without saying a word. However, there came a point when he politely informed her that he should probably report it to her parents soon if he did not know more about the situation. And, being someone she trusted dearly, she told him the full truth. She could have sworn that she almost ended the crusader’s life with a heart attack that night. Many people would have been in awe at being able to kill someone like Reinhardt, but not like this.

When he finally recovered, he reluctantly told her everything he knew about the young man. They were things that Angela had already got out of him, with the exception of his background. She could understand why he didn’t want to share it and knew better than to ask about any of it after hearing it from Reinhardt. If anything, she was the one that corrected the old champion.

In the end, he admitted that if she was with Genji, she was in better care than if she was being accompanied by half the royal guard. As such, he made no note of it to her family, only stating that she should keep him informed of whenever she should plan to head out and whether anything new develops between them. In return, he would cover for her whenever he could to make sure others didn’t find out. Though she could have done without him slipping a magic scroll of pregnancy protection under her door, she appreciated the gesture regardless.

They had been a couple ever since that night after the festival. Though he never said anything explicitly, the soft voice he used and the unusual requests he made were more than enough to answer her question. They weren’t truly unusual, just for him. Apparently, holding hands was pretty scandalous if he had to ask so softly. After she teased him about it a few times, that hesitation was gone. Next came kisses. An adorable phase when he would always be by her side and looking longingly at her before pretending otherwise. Eventually, she got a kiss for every occasion. For saying something clever. For wearing something pretty. Everything was apparently worthy of receiving a kiss from him. Honestly, she really felt spoiled.

Then they cuddled. She practically had to beg him to stay, putting on the best pout she could muster. This was after she had told him about Reinhardt knowing their relationship, else he would have probably bolted without a second thought. That night, she refused to let go of him no matter how warm it got until he finally confessed gently that he had desperately wanted this too.

The morning after that was when Genji almost lost his life to Reinhardt, who was only stopped when Angela eventually woke up and insisted that she was the one who wanted him to stay and not him sneaking in. Despite being unarmed when going to bed with her, Genji only suffered a scratch on his arm and a cut on the palm of his hand, an impressive feat when facing an overprotective legendary knight with a sword.

Sometime later, Reinhardt would be asked to accompany them to town for grocery shopping, only for him to be introduced to his worst nightmare. It turned out that Genji did have a few friends, most of them in the same profession as him with the exception of a blacksmith, alchemist, and one merchant. The person he introduced to Reinhardt was an assassin as tall as he was, a dashing image of what the crusader had once been. Angela almost died from her lungs collapsing through all the laughing she did that day, watching her mentor being bullied relentlessly. The man called himself an assassin but he was really an old knight, an acquaintance of Reinhardt really. He just so happened to pick up the new profession in the new age, though how he succeeded was beyond Angela’s comprehension. Genji explained that most people simply saw him as a retired knight, so it was easy for him to get on their good side and stab them. “A strangely effective strategy,” he said with a frown that indicated he couldn’t believe it worked either.

And then, eventually, the truth had to come out. Discussions came up about the fact that Angela must choose someone to marry. The four racked their brains over the matter, coming up with a million different ways to introduce him though not finding a single one that doesn’t involve having to mention the small fact that he was an assassin, else there was no way to explain how they met or how no one has ever heard of him.

At last, Genji came up with a simple solution. He would simply have to enter the tournament that her family was hosting to find a potential suitor for Angela. She had rejected so many princes already that her family had given up on status and class, opting instead for someone with a strong personality that could possibly hope to deal with her. In a three-to-one vote that left Angela extremely frustrated, they decided that would be the course of action.

She truly was never going to understand men and their solidarity to beat each other up to get what they want.

And so, Angela found herself in the stadium, smiling and waving at thousands of spectator and greeting hundreds of knights. Round after round of combat happened, all which bored her. She had seen Genji in combat before of course, they had not gone on all those dates without at least one violent incident happening. These battles, regulated and without any threat to her, just felt so boring. Even the battles Genji were in did not excite her much. A glance at his opponent was all she needed to tell that they didn’t have a chance. The only excitement came from the fake gambling game she had with Reinhardt about how long it would take for Genji to finish the match. Oh, and when Reinhardt’s new best pal somehow snuck into their area. That assassin was truly a scary man after all.

The last battle was actually quite intense. Angela found herself leaping to her feet and cheering when Genji snuck in a good strike. She had to sheepishly sit back down and explain to her parents that his combat style and grace had gotten her interest in the previous matches while Reinhardt held down his friend’s head to hide his muffled laughter.

Eventually, Genji came victorious to be granted the medal from her father and the pleasure of being able to kiss Angela on the back of her hand, a task which he almost failed out of habit. In return for his valiant work, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and the words “take me” whispered into his ears. She happily sauntered away leaving a tournament champion that felt weak and defeated by just two words.

Eventually, the wedding came. Angela eventually told her parents the truth about Genji, with Reinhardt to back her up. Ever since the beginning of the planning, her parents had felt uneasy about ‘forcing’ her into it. That much was what Genji had predicted. When she told them, they let out a sigh of relief before their brains caught up to the implications.

By then, it was far too late to question her as Angela had already fled to try on her wedding dress. It was something that she did not show Genji, and in return, he also hid his choice from her. She just had to trust his sense of fashion, a sense which has served him well in the past with all the recommendations he made for her. She was sure that he would look handsome regardless, so long as he wore something appropriate.

On the day of their wedding, Angela could hardly contain her excitement. Leading up to it, they were a normal couple. Other than practicing their dance, everything else was out of their control. Their ring, ceremony, decorations, and announcement were all handled by the castle staff. They ended up just going out on more dates, disguised of course, and cuddled a lot. Without the need for secrecy, their cuddling time was more playful and relaxed than ever. Well, Genji still could not get used to walking through the front gate of the castle. It was probably for the best anyway, lest the servants or other people bothered him about his status and her health and all that pleasantries he admitted to hating.

Angela took a deep breath and entered the chapel next to the castle. The crowd let out a soft “ooh” in unison at her beautiful white dress, with its fluffy white frills and ribbons that flowed off her as naturally as water would.

The only person who wasn’t fazed, as with the first time he saw water flowing off her skin, was Genji. He simply gave her a smile that almost made her stop walking, one that was accompanied by a striking black cloth vest and formal pants. For some reason, she had never expected to see him in anything but light armor or traditional festival clothing. Yet, there he was, as handsome as ever and with a smile that disarmed her more than any fanciful parry could.

“I can’t wait to take that dress off you.”

“Be respectful. We’re in the middle of a wedding.”

“But you’re not saying I can’t.”

“Shush.”

Angela gave him a stern gaze for a moment before giggling and taking his hand to for their walk to the altar. She could feel all her nervousness melt away just like that. Really, he could be so indecent and inconsiderate at times like these. But perhaps he knew that was what she needed and what she fell in love with. Someone who knew exactly how to best make their lover happy, no matter how they may look in the process. How did someone as selfish and spoiled as her ever get someone so selfless and kind like him?

“Angela Ziegler. Do you take Genji Shimada to be your husband?”

“I do.”

“Genji Shimada. Will you take Angela Ziegler to be your wife?”

“Yes, I do. May I give her the ring and kiss her now?”

The solemnizer chuckled and nodded. “You may proceed.”

Genji let out a soft sigh under his breath that came with something along the line of “fucking finally” as he brought out the beautiful ring with a shining emerald and a gold frame. When the ring finally shone on Angela’s fingers, her eyes shining with tears of joy, the officiant announced, "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Without waiting for anything further permission, Genji swept Angela off her feet and pulled her into a deep kiss as the audience applauded loudly, with both Reinhardt and his new friend wiping a tear with their handkerchief. Her parents, too, looked extremely happy for their daughter, despite all the fears they had about her future with an assassin as the next in line for the throne. However, at that very moment, they had never seen her look happier.

And that was what a marriage should look like, no matter who it was between. Because no matter what came their way, it would take the whole world to separate the princess and her assassin.

#gency #gency week #emergenji #gency fic #gency fanfic #genji #mercy

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briteboy · 7 years ago

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LITERALLY SO MANY QUESTIONS AND THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THEM

lmao RIP me (now u know why i take so long to answer)

do you know the game what remains of edith finch? its really fantastic, I just finished the part with lewis, his whole situation with reality reminded me of santi. just wanted to tell you :)

surprisingly no i haven’t ever heard of it! :O but now i’m intrigued, i googled it and i’m reading up on it hehe thank you for telling me, u learn something new every day :~}

Hello femmesim! I'm a new simblr & I see you get a lot of notes on your great story! I guess this probably means you have a lot of followers too. I was wondering if you follow them all back. If not do you check out your followers & how do you decide which ones to follow back? What don't you like. What would make you unfollow them? Oops that was a lot lol!

iiiiiiiii honestly haven’t even looked at my actual followers page in a loooooong time, even on my personal blog i was never good with that lol. i just can’t keep up with everyone and i don’t want to feel obligated to follow everyone back because that would be way too many posts on my dashboard all the time y’know. it sounds mean but...ajksdgdsf i WISH i could follow everyone back but itsjustnotrealistic

tbh i follow people back when they reach out to me, make an effort to engage with me, send me messages, reply, or just frequently interact with my posts because it gets my attention and shows their personality. i don’t mean that as in like...”you can’t be my friend unless you give me notes” (LMFAO NO) i mean it as in like i’m fcking oblivious and it’s too much work for me to go out of my way and check out every single blog that follows me :{ but i love messaging and communicating through replies so even if you’re nervous pleeeease step out of your comfort zone, i promise i’m like a pretty good OK human being and i try to make funny jokes so talking to me isn’t that bad i promise.

as for your other questions...tbh i dunno, i like blogs that interest me. (duh...lmao what kind of answer even is that) i usually go for people that show their personalities in their posts (go figure), like memes (lmfao), have an intriguing aesthetic, HONESTLY IDK...i follow a lot of diverse blogs tbh, not just ones that are similar to mine. i only unfollow ppl if i have no memory of following them and their content doesn’t interest me, if they say/do something that irks or angers me (that’s only happened like twice tho), or if they post like EXCESSIVE nsfw...i didn’t sign up for that lmao

i hope i don’t sound like an asshole for all this but it’s just like...i can’t deny i get a lot of attention on here. and i never expected it so i’m pretty unprepared for it lmao. i try my best tho :{ just reach out to me and we’ll probably be frands ok

so many feelings

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog but to the Anon who said how she looks white if she's Hispanic. Not all hispanics are brown haired and tan. I'm Puerto Rican and I'm blonde and have blue eyes. Hispanics come in different tones and what nots :)

hell0 thank you <3 yeah hispanic people are very diverse, especially with varying nationalities, and especially with puerto ricans. i personally know a lot of puerto ricans who are white passing so it’s really not that uncommon. everyone’s different, and as eir said, white passing POC are still POC!

papa ya - sunny ; thats your song boo lol

OOH i actually like this...i’m boppin my head rn lmao thank u

So basically the last anon is saying hispanics can't be 'white'? I know many 'white' hispanics???

i don’t wanna twist their words, i think they just meant molly looks ethnically white and i understand that, i’m not denying she’s white passing but tbh...idk, if she wasn’t my own sim i’d look at her and kinda know she’s not 100% white y’know. she has features that don’t look european. plus the fact that i’ve posted her speaking spanish before soooo. anyway yeah it’s very possible for a hispanic person to literally have white skin but that doesn’t mean they’re ethnically white

well if she has family from spain it's normal for them to have blonde hair and green eyes, so i mean that could make sense.

she could, who’s to say lol. it’s rly not that deep tho, she’s half white, half puerto rican, das it. but yeaah there is a wide array of genetic possibilities for every race! who’da thunk it

Hey, I'm a new reader, is it possible you could link some earlier parts to your story. You don't have to if it's problem though I know how tumblr be. I love the visuals style of your sims. That's what caught my eye. I also was wondering what editing program would you suggest. I kinda want to test out editing my sims.

heyo i summed up the story here and here and there’s a lot of posts of key events linked in there! thank you though, that’s so kind ;-; <3 wellll the only editing program i use is photoshop cs6 so i’d recommend that haha. you can find it for free pretty easily, but if you’re not into that, there are plenty of other programs you can use. i know a lot of ppl on here use gimp.

hi! I need advice and idk where to get it from but you seem like a really good person who has some wisdom lol! so basically i'm in a big financial situation. I had a good paying job but it made me have anxiety and panic attack because i hated it so much. and i quit my job before i had another job lined up. So my bank account is very close to being completely empty and i have bills and i have to move soon. I NEED ADVICE OR SOMEONE TO TELL ME ITS GOING TO BE OK.

omg first of all i’m so touched that you even came to me with this wtf ;___; ily

second of all it IS going to be ok, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you hate if it’s really impeding on your mental health that much. it’s not good for you in the long run, even if it pays well. like, at what cost do you want to sell yourself in order to make money? my point is you made a good decision but lacked the foresight, which luckily is something that can be remedied easily. (well...hopefully, but job hunting is never easy :\ ) if you’re still in this situation by the time your bills and everything catch up to you, you can always seek help from family and friends or look into loans...find someone (or multiple people) who will stick by you and support you through this, because this is something way too hard to do alone. (if you don’t have anyone, i’m here for you ;-; ) i honestly don’t have any good advice for finding another job because tbh that’s something i always flounder in, and i’m gonna have to do the same thing by the time i finish up school in the next month AHHHHH

i’m prayin 4 both of us, but you especially <3

Hi!!! sorry i remember seeing an ask about Lou's eyelashes but i cannot find it :((( could you please tell me where can i find it???

hey she just uses the kijiko ones! sometimes if it’s a closeup i use these eyelash brushes tho

hi! sorry, this is a weird question but i thought you could help maybe.... i recently started playing ts4 again, but when i am in cas, there is a weird shine on all cc hairs.... do you have a solution for this? thank you in advance!

hmmmmm i kinda get a weird shiny glitch too but it’s only with certain things, and it’s usually remedied by clicking on the sim’s different outfit categories until it goes away lol. but if it’s on ALL of the hairs...hmm...i’m assuming you’re talking about alpha? because i don’t think clay hairs usually have that problem. check if laptop mode is on, if it is, turn it off!! that’s the only solution i can think of :{

i feel like too many people are reading too deeply into things. either way i love your work and just read the entire thing in a day and i love you so much idek.

i think this was sent when i was getting messages about my dialogue haha. i mean i definitely understand their points in saying it has too many realistic vocal quirks, but tbh that’s what i like about it, and i think that’s part of the reason people connect with it. idk. but thank you so much ily ;__;

hi i just wanted to ask how do you manage your time and how do you post frequently without feeling overworked and overwhelmed ? do you have some sort of schedule, because you seem very organized lol . tysm for answering <3 !

hmmmmm how? um poorly LMAO

no but really...it’s hard. i’m glad i’m so into this story/eager to see all your reactions to it because otherwise the chaos of my life would’ve definitely deterred me from moving along with it a while ago. that’s basically the reason i’m so surprised i even made it this far tbh. i accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. ;__;

i don’t have an answer for this question because i DO often feel overwhelmed and i have to take a step back and remind myself it’s not the end of the world if i don’t have time to go in game or edit or whatever. i think it’s because i set up this timeline for myself in terms of goals i want to reach with my story throughout the rest of the year and i get frustrated with myself when those plans become delayed because of other obligations. (for example i definitely thought baby wallace would’ve been born by now lmao syke) i was getting burnt out very easily before, which is why i’ve been taking it slower lately (that and i’ve been working a lot more so i don’t have as much free time as i used to :\ ) the good thing about having different characters tho is that when i get burnt out on one thing i can just switch over to another thing at an opportune time (which is what i’ve always done with santi and girooni)

anyway yeah i am kinda organized (in my own weird way) in terms of story planning, controlling the pacing and key events, and that’s definitely the reason i’m able to post so frequently. i used to have multiple free days a week where i could go in game for long amounts of time and get lots of scenes done at once, but at this point in my current schedule i just basically go in game whenever i'm free from the clutches of capitalism (jk we’re never free save us bernie) which means i only have time to do like one thing in game but it seems to be working just as well so far.

.............i’m how i wrote a novel to answer this

im glad i pretty much got it. i can really relate to everything going on. i can see a lot of myself in santi and molly & i get it. the movies make you think you fall in love and everythings fixed like they fill that void in your soul and i mean sure they fill parts of it but you need to do that yourself and not rely on someone else. Your story is real and you can tell your writing from personal experience because theres so much feeling. u think ur fixing urself and u end up more hurt in the end

i’m so glad you can relate ;-; i think that’s one of my proudest accomplishments so far. i mean santi has always been relatable for me because he IS me...or at least partly me, just like all my characters are. but i never thought anyone else would feel the same way, so it means so much to me that people enjoy him as a character because of that.

anyway YES exactly. i hate the “no one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself” mentality, i think it’s a toxic way of looking at the benefits of genuine self love. the sentiment behind it is true, but it’s a backwards way of looking at it. someone’s else’s love shouldn’t be your motivation, your own love toward yourself should be your motivation. when you look at it in the other way, you do end up getting more hurt in the end.

lol anons back the frick off, that scene is perfect, santi is perfect, sunny is perfect, the stuttering is perfect THIS BLOG IS FREAKIN PERFECT

oMG i appreciate the support, but i don’t blame those people for having issues with my dialogue hahahha. i know it’s kind of different and weird but it just feels right for me when i write it so i go with it. i rly like santi’s stuttering tho so *shrugs* THANK YOU THO ILY <333

hey! I was wondering if you have any tips on making(?) light leaks in photoshop? idk if you've answered this already bc I'm on mobile, buT if u have I'll just check when I get on my computer next !!! Thanks !

ummM I DON’T ACTUALLY because i get all my light leaks off google lmao. i have a folder of all the ones i’ve collected over time lmao

you could probably easily make some with the paintbrush in overlay mode with varying opacities tho? i’ve tried to replicate this a few times actually, but the rest of the time i just use light leaks made by other people lol

Do you enjoy more playing the game or taking the photos/making the story? Do you play challenges?

LATELY i’ve been just enjoying playing the game because i’ve gotten burnt out on story things and just playing is such a nice break from it haha. whenever i have to wait in game for it to be a certain time of day for story purposes, i go play with girooni for a few sim hours to pass the time and it’s fun for me lmao. i’m looking forward to my story winding down so i can get back to doing more gameplay things like i did before but at the same time i’ll always do at least something story related because i like the sense of direction it gives y’know.

i’ve never actually tried any challenges, not even just regular old legacies because i would always either get sick of the sims i was playing with or get too attached to them and not want to go to a new generation lmao. i was never interested in any challenges tbh. i like watching other people do bachelor(ette) challenges tho heheh

WHEN DID SANTI BECOME SUCH A STRONK BOI also you are so sweet we don't deserve you??? You are a blessing I love you thank you for doing this aaaaa ;;; you are an inspiration I hope I can do what you do too! OK BYE HAVE A NICE DAY ❤️❤️❤️

OMG HE’S ALWAYS BEEN SECRETLY STRONK (i’m assuming this is about how he beat ugly stepdad to a pulp lmao) he mostly gets his strength from anger and an adrenaline rush. a BLESSING WHAT!!!!!! YOU’RE SO SWEET ILY ;__; don’t thank me, i’m just doin what i love <3 have a nice day/night/rest of your life ily

But why are ur anons so needy lol isn't that like ur third one angry that u haven't responded

ugh i feel bad because i get it, i do, i understand it hurts when you reach out to someone multiple times and you get ignored, but i don’t do it on purpose and i have explained, many times, the plenty of valid reasons why i can’t respond to 100% of my messages. i’m actually trying to answer all of my message right now with these mass answer posts and it’s REALLY a lot for me to go out of my way and do this. so i’m trying ok. but like i’m only a person ajhsdghjdfjhk i can only give so much attention to this y’know. please be patient

from this moment on we should all proceed to take cautions around ppl named dan.... TAINTED

I KNO RIGHT...dan is such an ugly boring name (no offense to the dans of the world) but like if you’re a dane you’re probably evil or are the human embodiment of cardboard

I can not say it enough. Great story. It's life. And life is beautiful, loving, refreshing and sometimes it can be harsh & scary. You take the good with the bad. I look forward to what comes next. --"Run away, run far away" nony (I have to start thinking of new tag line, because I am diggin Santi and Lou together) :)

HELLO FRIEND i kinda love that you keep coming back ehehe. and i’m glad you’re enjoying it so much ;___; these words are so kind and genuine, thank you so much <3333 OMG i’m glad you like santou as well even though they’re on a slow decline right now. i’m really excited about what i have planned in the future tho

omggggg my theory is the first one on that list you posted!! i'm so happy for that but also sad bc of what's going on with molly and santi and i hope that santi will finally just be happy soon. love you and your sims (except step dad dan) 💕💕

OOH HELLO YES you basically guessed everything that happened up until this point hahaha congratulations <33 santi will be happy...eventually. it’s going to be a long hard road in getting there tho. i hope you’ll all be satisfied in the end

fuck you dan stepdad

#nonsims #saviorhide #anonymous #i took 6 screenshots of groups of questions #and i have 6 more to go #i'm really dead #some of these are so old i'm sorry #like from when molly's evil stepdad was still around #RIP

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sparklywitchmoment · 8 years ago

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Hell And Silence || Chapter Eight

MASTERLIST

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 5,009

A/N: YESSS IT’S ME I’M BACK FROM THE DEAD WITH A NEW CHAPTER!!!! Unfortunately, it’s just a filler nothing interesting is really happening but IT’S SOMETHING I’M PROUD OF MYSELF. I was actually going to finish and post this last week but forgot I would be on a cruise for spring break with NO WIFI. it was torture. ALSO! Hell and Silence is coming up and double-diget chapters and I think once that happens I’ll have to move this party to my wattpad account! I would highly recommend if you read it on my wattpad to go back and skim through the new versions of the chapters because I have been making a few changes and edits and I might even switch a few chapters to a third person point of view? Change things up a bit. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!!!! I love hearing from your guys!!!! NOW ENJOY CHAPTER EIGHT.

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven

CHAPTER EIGHT

DEREK

I knew when I came back to Beacon Hills that the pack was going to find out about me turning Vanessa at one time or another- I just thought I would have more time to get myself back on their good side. The fact that it happened this quickly completely destroyed any sensible plan I had for them finding out. I’m the Hale alpha, I shouldn’t be scared of Scott- true alpha or not- but when it comes to his family or his pack, he becomes a different person- someone capable of taking down Deucalion, the alpha of all alphas.. It’s like he turns into the beta everyone thought he was going to when Peter bit him- ruthless and uncontrollable. If she told him what I said to her last night on top of the fact I turned her and abandoned her… Vanessa’s just as much his sister as she is Stiles’.

It’s been almost eight hours since I kicked Vanessa out, and there’s still no word from any of the pack.

“Dare I say that the girl didn’t snitch on you?” Peter said, voice breaking the silence that I’d used for comfort. I glared, flashing my red eyes and growling at my uncle who decided he just needed to be a sarcastic asshole right now. Peter held up his hands, sucking in a breath through his teeth. “Someone’s sensitive…”

I groaned, running my fingers through my hair and standing up, hoping walking would help my mind focus on something- anything. Both Peter and I flung out heads in the direction of the door when we heard the elevator bell echo through the hall and into the loft. The bell was followed by footsteps- heavy ones- coming closer by the second.

The footsteps stopped for a second then a knock strong enough to make me jump in my skin a little rang out through my cavernous living space. I rushed the door, quickly sliding it open, silently preparing myself to be tackled to the ground at any second- bracing myself for the pain knowing that I couldn’t fight back against part of Scott’s pack- or Scott himself. Instead, I was met by the overwhelming scent of cheap alcohol, and a pale(-er than usual), messy haired Isaac.

He stumbled through the door, reaching out to grab my arm for support. “You, asshole,” Isaac grumbled, wagging his finger in my direction. “Took my girl,” He pulled his hand off me, continuing to wobble his way across the loft. “Stole her right out from under me.”

Peter stared at Isaac, pure disgust coating his features before he craned his neck to look at me, then back at Isaac. “Are you drunk, Scarfy?”

Isaac spun on his heels, pausing for a moment before bursting into laughter. “Me, drunk? No, why would I be? Is not like my handsome alpha over here screwed my girlfriend or anything!” The laughter turned into slurred shouting, Isaac throwing his hands up and seeming to be surprised by the weight of them. “Then again, a girl has needs and I was to afraid of hurting her to meet them. Sue me!”

“I feel like this is something I shouldn’t be involved in…” Peter said, standing from his spot on the couch with his arms raised. I shot him a glare as he tried to make his way towards the front door. “Sorry, Der- your puppies are not my problem.”

I groaned, watching as Peter left the loft, leaving me with Isaac who had once again started laughing. He must have been drinking all night. It takes a lot of booze to waste a werewolf this bad.

“Do you love her, Derek? ‘Cause I do- I may not tell her, but I show her! I deserve her!” His voice turned into growl, eyes glowing a bright yellow, canines forming over his teeth.

“Isaac, you need to calm down,” I tried to coax him, reaching out to grab his arm but he just yanked it back, nearly tripping over his feet.

“Calm down? You can’t be serious.” He huffed, biting down on his lip, enough to draw blood- I could smell it. “Vanessa is the only person I have left, and just like everything else I’ve ever loved, she’s been taken from me- by you!”

Isaac rushed at me, slamming his hands against my chest and shoving me back against the coffee table between the couch and armchair. His shifting continued, hair growing down the side of his face, claws ripping part of my shirt after he pushed me again.

“Isaac…” I warned, feeling a heat growing in my chest, but he didn’t stop.

“She’s the only good thing to happen to me since I got the bite, and you needed to take her too!” His voice had shifted from that of a tree-like teenager to that of some sort of demonic man. My eyes flickered red as I felt my canines growing out over my teeth. Isaac continued to push, despite noticing how I had started to shift myself. “Vanessa’s too good for me, which means she’s certainly too good for a poisonous jackass like-”

The heat in my chest continued to grow, and before I could even think, my voice erupted from my throat. “Isaac!” I howled, voice echoing through the cavernous loft making the light in Isaac’s eyes go out. He let out a small whimper, taking a few steps back away from me. I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms. “There’s an extra room upstairs, first door on the right. Sober up, then we can talk.”

Isaac hesitated for a second, then nodded his head starting to make his way to the stairs, shoulders hung in shame. I know his drunk ranting to me is probably the most honestly I’ll ever get out of him, but he needs to be sober to have that conversation. I wish I knew what to say to him- the kid who’s been like a brother to me for years. How do I explain to him why I slept with his girlfriend, or that I’m her alpha? How would she explain it? This was so much easier when I didn’t have to see how it affected Isaac; when I could just say “screw him,” because with Vanessa, I finally felt like a missing piece of me had been put into place. But now that I see him… it changes things.

Just as the door right of the staircase clicked shut, I felt my phone start to vibrate in my pocket.

And there it is, I thought to myself, digging for the phone. The call I’ve been waiting for.

The screen illuminated in my hands, Erica’s caller ID popping up onto it. Not the person I was expecting to hear from, but she’ll probably be more merciful that anyone else in Scott’s pack. I quickly slid my thumb across the phone, holding it up to my ear.

“Erica, is something wrong?”

Her breathing was ragged on the other end of the line. “Oh no, Derek- in fact I’m just peachy. Although, Boyd and I just attended the weirdest little meeting at the Stilinski house… I assume you know what the topic of discussion was?”

I groaned, rubbing my temple. “I think I’ve got a pretty good idea,”

“Seriously man, Vanessa Stilinski? I’m starting to think you’ve got a deathwish.” Boyd’s quiet voice rang through the phone- Erica must have put me on speaker.

“She was dying, I did what I had to do.”

Erica groaned, “Yeah whatever, that’s the least of our problems right now. Scott wants to meet with you, probably to rip your head off and Isaac’s been MIA since last night.”

“And we’ve been calling him all morn- Erica, slow the hell down!” Boyd shouted, making me pull the phone away from my ear. Erica’s driving skills were never the best, hence why I don’t even let her look at my Camaro.

“Relax, Boyd- we crash, we’ll survive. Don’t be such a wuss!”

I tried to hold back a grin, listening to the two of them bicker just the same as they did two years ago. Some things never change, I guess.

“You two, stop arguing and get to my place. Isaac showed up this morning after a night of binge drinking, and he’s fine. Just get here.”

“Isaac found his way to your house in the middle of the woods while shit-faced?” Boyd accused, Erica making a loud mmhmm sound.

“I don’t live in the woods anymore- big black building on the corner of Caige and Franklin. I’ll tell the doorman to let you up.”

“Ooh, doorman? Look at you, Derek Hale- stepping up your game.” Erica laughed, Boyd joining in with quiet snickers.

“Shut up and drive, Reyes. I’ll see you both soon, in one piece I hope.”

“No promises!” Erica said, before hanging up the phone. God, those two are a piece of work.

It wasn’t even another ten minutes after I’d hung up the phone that Erica had- without knocking, might I add- stormed her way into the loft, Boyd trailing behind her. Erica had a bright smile across her face, Boyd laughing a little.

“Something funny?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“No, nothing,” Erica managed to say clearly through her fit of laughter. “Your doorman was just telling us about some of the weird shit Peter’s done. Did you know that he trips over the doorframe almost every time he enters the building?”

Boyd pretended to fall, his massive body hurdling forward. He must have lost his footing because that mocking fall became real and he couldn’t stop himself from pushing over the tall lamp I had resting near the couch on the floor. Of course, that just made Erica laugh harder while I glared at Boyd and the remnants of my stained-glass lampshade.

“Sorry, man…” Boyd said, rubbing the back of his neck and picking a piece of stained glass out of his forearm. Not even a single drop of blood dripped out of the wound before the skin stitched itself shut, leaving little to no trace that the glass was even there. Erica was still laughing her ass off, and Boyd looked like he was about to shit himself.

“Whatever, it was just a lamp.” I said, Boyd calming down from the thought I might murder him ever so slightly. “So what happened at the meeting? I’m guessing Vanessa told you-”

“Oh she told the whole pack, and Scott? He’s livid. Might as well have just let the bitch die, he’d be equally as pissed.” Erica said, crossing her arms and sitting down on the couch, Boyd still trying to regain his balance.

“Hey- she’s not a bitch. Lay off, will you?” Boyd tried to defend Vanessa, but Erica just huffed and brushed him off.

“Please, she’s a bigger bitch than I am, but only on the inside. On the outside, she’s a sarcastic do-gooder just like her damn brother.”

“Enough, Erica.” I growled at her, crossing my arms and fixing my posture so my shadow cast over her. Erica slumped down in the couch, slight amusement coming over Boyd’s hard features.

“Well,” Boyd said, clearing his throat. “I’m going to head out- gonna be late for work. Derek, call Scott and talk to him. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think it’s going to be.”

“Hey, hold on- I’m coming with.” Erica called after Boyd who was already half out the door.

“Fine, but you can’t drive,” Boyd said, huffing and continuing his walk to the elevator. Before Erica shut the loft door, she peered her head back inside.

“Nice to have you back, Der,” She said, grinning and biting her lip. “Call Scott- I’m sure he’s eager to hear from you.”

VANESSA

After I’d briefed Lydia and Allison on what had happened, Scott eagerly escorted them out of the house, Allison giving everyone rides home. Through my entire spiel about Derek, last night and argueing with him (minus the angry hate sex), Lydia managed to keep her snarky comments to herself which I was thankful for. This was hard enough as it is, and I can’t take any of her snark at the moment. Isaac is still MIA, no word to anyone since last night.

Now it was just Stiles and I sitting opposite of each other in the living room, silent. Stiles elbows were on his knees, eyes glassy and just… staring at me. He hasn’t said anything since the rest of the pack left.

“If you’re going to say something, just say it.” I said, leaning back into the couch and crossing my arms.

Stiles sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. “It’s nothing about you, Vin. It’s just…” He sighed, slumping back in the chair. “I used to think Derek walked on water, you know? All powerful Hale alpha ‘n stuff, but… God, Vin, how could he do that to you? Leave you for dead?”

I sighed, taking my brothers hand in mine. Stiles looked up, tears brimming the edge of his eyes.

“Derek thought he was doing the right thing by leaving me with Scott… And I’m okay now, right? It worked out in the end.”

“It worked out?” Stiles shot up from the chair, sending my balance back. “Vanessa, you’re practically human. It didn’t work out!”

For a second we were both frozen, staring each other down.

“Practically human? Seriously?” I raised my eyebrows, crossing my arms. “That’s the card you’re going to play.”

When I first turned, Deaton told me I would never be as strong as the rest of the pack because I didn’t have my real alpha training me, and at first it didn’t really bother me. It only started to bother me when Erica made it a joke, when the rest of the pack was out fighting and I was forced to stay out of the action with Stiles. Scott tried to get me involved as possible, but he never put me anywhere close to danger- if he tried, Isaac wouldn’t let him. My brother knew how sensitive the practically human thing is… and I guess that’s why he used it.

I brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, clapping my hands against my legs and standing up.

“I’m going to take the Jeep and try to find Isaac. I’ll…” Grabbing the Jeep’s keys from the rack by the door, I started to make my way outside. “I’ll be back later.”

“Vinny I’m-” Stiles started to say but before I could hear the rest of his sentence I was out the door, his voice muffled through the brick wall.

Driving the hunk-of-shit Jeep around is always scary because I never know if and when it’ll break down. I drove through Beacon Hills with the windows down, slowly making my way downtown. On the way, I tried to see if I could sniff out even the faintest trace of Isaac’s scent anywhere. Unfortunately, it’s spring and the breeze carried every scent you could possibly imagine, so finding Isaac is like a needle in a haystack. Even so, I continued to drive and tried to push my brother’s words out of my head.

Vanessa, you’re practically human.

He’s not wrong. It kills me that I’ll never be as strong as Scott, Erica or the rest of them. I just get the curse, none of the plus sides. I heal somewhat faster, but not fast enough to call it supernatural.

I turned the radio up, soundwaves filling my ears, leaving me too distracted to over think Stiles words.

After not catching a single scent in the the Suburban blocks of Beacon Hills, I made a bee-line for downtown. Sunday afternoon, not many people were out on the streets. The occasional family and busy shopper, but not too many people. It made my job easier when trying to sniff out Isaac. With all this time alone in the car, I tried to think about what I’m going to say to Isaac when I find him- if I find him. I must have been driving for at least an hour already before I caught a familiar scent. It wasn’t distinct yet, but familiar. I tried to follow it, and the scent got stronger each block I went down. I turned the corner onto Caige, and then I could clearly see where the familiar scent was coming from.

Peter, v-neck and all, strolling down the street. That’s the scent I’ve been chasing, not Isaac. I groaned, starting to pull over the car to where Peter was walking. Seeing as I’ve got absolutely no leads as to where Isaac is, what can asking Peter hurt?

I rolled down my window, leaning out as I drove slowly next to Peter.

“Stilinski, you better not be interrupting my morning walk with some dumb bullshit. This is my peaceful time, it’s how I keep from becoming homicidal.” He said without even looking over at me.

“You might want to start taking more walks then,”

Peter rolled his eyes stopping and turning to face me, pushing his sunglasses up his head.

“What do you want?” He growled, blue eyes flashing at me.

“I’m looking for Isaac- He’s been kind of MIA since last night. Have you seen him?”

“As a matter of fact, I have. Came stumbling into the loft this morning like a drunk idiot.” Peter grumbled, crossing his arms and holding his head up high.

The loft, I thought, silently scolding myself for not thinking about that sooner. Of course he would go to Derek.

“How drunk was he?” I asked

“He was shit faced- looked bad, even for a werewolf.” Peter said, starting to resume his walk down the street. “Can you really blame him, though? I heard you and Derek going at it last night. If I were him I would have gotten shit faced too.”

I rolled my eyes and started to drive faster down towards Franklin Street. “Fuck off, Peter!”I shouted out the window, turning the corner, seeing that tall black building at the end of the block.

DEREK

I took one of the pages from my book between my fingers, waiting to turn the page when I heard the spiral staircase start to creak from behind me.

“Look who’s finally up,” I set down the book, turning around to see Isaac coming down the stairs, blonde hair strewn in every direction. “You look like shit.”

Isaac groaned, wrinkling his nose. “You look…” He tilted his head, squinting as he carefully made his way to the ground. “You look like someone my girlfriend would want to screw instead of me.”

“Ouch,” I winced at his words, trying to come up with the right thing to follow up with that wouldn’t make things worse. Nothing came to mind.

“Well it’s not like you don’t deserve it, right?” Isaac said, running his fingers through his mess of curly blonde hair as he finally reached the ground, heading right to he kitchen. I got up from the couch, slowly migrating over to him in hopes that in his hungover state he might not be murderously pissed at me. I sat down in one of the creaky stools, leaning over the counter towards him.

“Listen, Isaac-” I’d started to say, but he held up his hand.

“Save it, I don’t care. Whatever you have to say doesn’t change what you and her did, so I really don’t care.” He said with a strange sense of serenity that I would not expect him to have. Isaac calmly poured himself a glass of orange juice, drinking the full cup in one gulp then pouring more. I knew I couldn’t necessarily argue with him because he’s right. All I could do is sit here and watch him drink some three month old orange juice out of a dusty glass cup and hope maybe he would listen to me.

No, I thought to myself. I have to try and make him listen.

“Isaac, you need to let me explain what happened. It’s not as simple as you think it is, I-” I tried to say but could hardly get one sentence in.

“Derek!” Isaac slammed the glass cup on the countertop, shattering it under his grasp. He didn’t even flinch. “Is what you’re about to say going to take back the fact that you had sex with my girlfriend? Because not even I have done that,”

“No, but-”

“Is it going to make Vanessa stop pulling away from me? Is it going to make her love me again instead of you?”

“That’s insane! She doesn’t love me, she loves you.”

Isaac shrugged, picking out a thick piece of broken glass from his palm. “I thought she did, but the whole balance of the universe is fucked, so who knows?” His blatant snark and distaste for such a serious conversation pissed me off. Before I could stop myself, I could feel myself starting to turn and I had stood up, banging my fists on the countertop, grabbing Isaac’s attention.

“Maybe if you could fucking satisfy her instead of being a skinny blonde bitch she wouldn’t have needed to come to me in the first place!”

“Maybe if you weren’t such an asshole you wouldn’t have slept with my girlfriend anyways because that’s not what decent people do!” Isaac’s eyes were glowing yellow, features changing as well.

Before I could get another word in- as if on cue- the elevator bell rang from down the hall. Isaac and I both turned our heads to the door, faces shifting back to their normal state. Isaac brushed some of the broken glass into his hand and throwing it out calmly, as if two seconds ago he wasn’t wolfed out and screaming at me.

Footsteps moved quickly down the hall to the loft before there was a fist pounding at my door. I slid it open before whoever was on the other side of it could do any permanent damage to the oak finishing on the wood, expecting to come face to face with Boyd, or at least someone with his mass and strength. Instead, I was met by Vanessa’s gleaming amber eyes and furrowed eyebrows.

“Is Isaac here?” She said, crossing her arms, shoes clicking as she tapped her foot.

“Hi Vanessa, it’s nice to see you too,” I said, crossing my arms, but she didn’t even wait for my response before pushing past me into the loft, searching for her boyfriend. When her eyes met with Isaac’s, she looked far more relieved than he did.

“Oh, thank god,” She ran into the kitchen, draping her arms around Isaac’s neck, holding him in a tight embrace. Isaac was surprised at first, but I could see that all the anger he had in his eyes melted away the second she grabbed him. His arms draped around her, holding her tight and burying his face in her shoulder. I turned my eyes away, grip tightening on my own arm as I tried to keep my cool.

“Well now that you’ve found your puppy, take him the hell home.” I growled through my teeth, starting to feel my eyes shift from green to red. There was a second of silence before Vanessa and Isaac’s footsteps started to move through the loft and out the door, sliding it shut behind them. Once I heard the elevator shaft start to move down towards the lobby, I broke out of my controled stance, taking the closest table lamp and chucking it across the room, shattering it on a brick wall. My claws were out, fangs replacing my normal teeth. I’d almost fully shifted, and to think:

All she had to do was touch him.

VANESSA

The car ride back home has to be one of the most awkward experiences I’ve ever had. The tight embrace I wrapped Isaac in back at the loft did not mean that all was forgiven- far from it. Isaac sat in the passenger's seat, hands in his lap sitting straight up tall. We’ve been driving for ten minutes and he hasn’t said a single word.

“I was driving for hours looking for you,” I tried to start up a conversation. “It was actually Peter who told me you were at the loft. Who would have thought?” Laughing to myself, I glanced over at Isaac whose expression remained unchanging. Instead of making any further advances, I just sighed. “C’mon Isaac, you’ve got to give me something to work with here.”

Isaac snapped his head to face me. “You want something to work with? Fine- let’s start on the explanation for why you fucking slept with Derek.”

Anger radiated off him like a red light- seeing him like this scares me, but not enough to cower away into the corner

“Listen, if you want to talk about this like adults, fine. Just maybe not while I’m driving a piece of shit Jeep down city streets, hm?” I said, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter.

Isaac didn’t talk again for another few seconds, giving me time to steady my ragged breathing.

“Pull over,” He hissed under his breath.

“What?”

“I said pull over.” Isaac shouted, gripping the steering wheel and yanking it to the right, driving over the curb. If I hadn’t stepped on the break when I did, we would have wrapped the Jeep around a pole.

“What the fuck?” I screamed into Isaac’s face, but he didn’t even flinch. “You could have just got us both killed.”

“Tell me everything- now.” He said, completely ignoring my shouting.

“We can talk about this when we get back home-”

“No, Vanessa.” His eyes flashed yellow for a second. “I’m going to asked you questions, and you’re going to answer them with total honesty. Not when we get home- right now.”

Each breath he took came out as a low growl. I can’t fight him on this- he deserves to know. He needs to know.

“Fine,” I sighed. “Ask away.”

Isaac took a deep breath, the growling starting to stop. “How long has it been going on?”

“A few weeks…” I looked down at my hands, unable to bring myself to look him in the eye.

“A few weeks? Jesus Vanessa, how the fuck…”

“Can we save the judgement for later? This is already hard enough.” I could feel tears starting to well in my eyes. I tried to push them back, but I couldn’t resist.

“Okay.... How many times have you slept with him?”

I screwed my eyes shut, a tear slipping out. “Twice.”

Isaac’s growls got louder again. “So it wasn’t just a one time thing? It wasn’t just a ‘I was drunk, regret it, and will never do it again,” thing?”

“It’s not like that Isaac, I do regret it, just-”

“Just not enough to not do it again.”

“Baby, please-” I finally looked back up and saw that tears had started to go down Isaac’s cheeks as well.

“No, you don’t get to ‘baby’ me.” He unbuckled his seatbelt opening the door to the Jeep and pulling himself out. “I’m going to walk the rest of the way home- actually, I’ll probably stay at Scott’s tonight. Maybe see if I can get back there full time… Wouldn’t want it to be awkward for you when you start bringing Derek home.” He shut the car door behind him, starting to walk. My heart was racing so fast it felt like it wasn’t beating at all. I reached for my necklace, holding it tight in my hand, trying hard to think of something to say.

The bond. I haven’t told him about the bond.

“Isaac, please, just let me explain!” I leaned out of the open window, calling after him.

“What is there left to explain? I’ve heard all I needed to hear.”

I tried to find the words to say to him, tried to shout but my voice caught in my throat. Nothing would come out, so all I could do is watch Isaac disappear into the foggy city streets.

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