#every scene and delivery in this movie killed me

[ravenclairee]

THEATER CAMP — 2023, dir. Molly Gordon and Nick Lieberman

[pattydia]

Dear lord we thank you for this bountiful and nourishing meal on the table before us. May it strengthen and refresh our earth bodies so that we may follow your example for yet another day. Please bless Connie who has prepared this feast with loving hands as well as her life partner Norm who invites you into his heart and hopes to one day be called to Tanzania where he can make a difference. And please bless Patty whose kindness and hospitality has allowed me into this home where I can spread your wisdom amongst these souls. And please bless and watch over Kevin who exspecially needs your guidance during his rebellious years as he continues to lash out and alienate himself from those around him. Allow him to grow in grace and knowledge of you and guide him in his search for his birth parents who must one day hope to see his face just as he longs to see theirs wait what? in Jesus’ name we pray mom?? amen 🙏

[wackpedion]

Father has an insane library of very legally obtained shows and movies and I found out he has the Heathers paramount reboot and I'm watching it and I want to Rip My Hair Out

[mvltisstuff]

Evan Buckley x female reader - tsunami episode - they have been dating for 4 years and Buck has recently proposed, reader and Buck spend a day on the pier with Christopher but they soon get caught up in the tsunami. Reader gets injured badly (hit her head/unconscious/broken bones etc) and Buck struggles to find her and panics. Some hospital scenes with Buck and reader and 118.

angst, injuries(if ur comfortable too write about it), heartbreak, fluff 🫶🫶

waves - e.b

summary: request

evan buckley x reader

a/n: you guys always have such good ideas istg… so funny story i was gonna finish this last night but i was drunk so i couldn’t 😁

every time her eyes were forced open, y/n was faced with a new horror in front of her. the murky grey water full of debris scratching against her skin. the stinging salt water in her eyes and lips. the salt from the sea diving into her scrapes. the feeling that she was drowning and there was nothing she could do to stop it. the ocean has always been scary, but it’s never scarier than when you’re in the center of its wrath. she came up for air, only to take one deep breath before being forced under the surface again. she’s a good swimmer. she knows she can swim, but no one prepares you for a wave from hell in swimming lessons.

y/n and buck had taken christopher out for the day, trying to get buck more involved after his accident. they went to the pier, the arcades, anything that christopher suggested they did.

they were supposed to go to the movies. to see a film, but the only thing they saw now was pure calamity in front of them.

she didn’t think buck could take much more pain and uncertainty in this world. he’s the toughest man, but even the toughest soldiers can fall. y/n’s concern for him had peaked. his life felt empty when he didn’t have y/n or the 118. he loved working more than anything, saving people ended up saving him.

he knew y/n before she even started working at the 118. they had been in the same training program, and y/n was eventually transferred to los angeles. buck was so fond of y/n. he loved her more than anyone, which frightened him but also made him filled with electricity. she was alluring, talented, and the sweetest person he’s ever known. she showed him love when he needed it.

so, the ring was in his apartment, shining in one of the hidden compartments in his closet. he was certainly prepared to whip it out and spend the rest of his days next to y/n, but then, a kid with some bombs took over. the engine was on top of buck before he could take a breath, and all his plans to propose were thrown away. it was now or never, he thought, laying on the stretcher. he’d switched from gut-wrenching wails to a solid “marry me.”

now, y/n looked for buck wherever, but the shore had become one with the whole city. the pier was gone, and she didn’t know if buck and chris were too.

she was being shoved across the water, her body being smacked with incoming debris. her head made contact with a slab of concrete that the wave had taken up. after, she’d made contact with another piece that sliced through the side of her abdomen, leaving a clean gash that was releasing a spill of blood. before she knew it, the the water was cold, but she started to feel warmer by the minute. the water around her started turning red, and her face became paler as she accepted her fate. she wanted buck to be there to save her. she wanted to be able to save herself, but the aggression of the water made it near impossible. she allowed her frail body to wash up on top of a white delivery truck, laying there with her maroon blood smeared on the top of the truck.

she was transformed into survival mode, thinking of anything she would be able to do without killing herself even more. she was able to reach for a piece of sopping fabric, pressing it securely against her belly where the massive slash was. there was nothing to be done for her head as the damage had already been done. she’d be damned if this tsunami killed her, but as long as she knew buck was out there, she was going to fight like hell.

buck felt completely lost. he was settled on top of a fire engine, christopher being cradled in his arms as they faced the disaster together. they were the only two people on bucks mind, y/n and christopher. at least he knew where christopher was, but he was separated from his fiancé the moment the wave flooded the pier.

buck tried to stay positive, he really did. but, seeing all the bodies float past limply brought his spirits down. he knew that he would be okay, but the woman who’s the center of his universe could be dead. buck thought nothing could hurt more than his accident. on the contrary, the thoughts in his head during these moments of his life hurt more than any physical pain he’s experienced.

buck stayed silent, not wanting to scare christopher but the boy had his own questions. “how come y/n is gone?”

“she, um, she got lost in one of the waves, pal,” buck mumbles, trying to contain himself from completely breaking down. “we’ll find her when this is over, alright?” buck wishes he had a more firm answer, but there is nothing in this environment that is stable. no one knows a single thing that could or couldn’t happen.

suddenly, everything turned to nightmare fuel. christopher had fallen, and was swept away by the harsh flow. buck screamed his name, jumping in after him and searching for him anywhere. he swore his heart stopped, watching the exhausted boy fall into the unknown pit of water. everything had become a blur to buck. he didn’t even care about anyone else as long as christopher went home to eddie, and y/n went home with him.

bucks heart fell with eddie’s face as their reunited with each other at the hospital. he was carrying the weight of two missing people, feeling like it was only his fault. he wanted y/n there so bad, he so badly wanted her to hold him and say it’ll all work out in the end. y/n was gone, and buck had no fucking clue because now, she could be anywhere. he loves her more than anything on this planet, and a wave can’t change that.

buck continued to notice the shallow breathing of eddie, the pure horror on his face as he might’ve lost the person he adores most. there’s no pain like losing a child, and buck could never live with himself if he didn’t save christopher. alas, when eddie’s eyes directed to behind bucks cut and dirty body, he saw his son wrapped up in a warming blanket. buck felt like complete shit.

he knew he saved christopher, and he was thrilled beyond words. but where was y/n? he had to know. the sun had already set and if she wasn’t found, she was probably dead. the word rang through bucks brain, repeating itself over and over like a monster under the bed. she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, and he never guessed that it would shoot him in the foot until now.

“buck!” bobby yelled, beginning to walk over with hen and chimney as eddie sprinted to his little boy. “hey, what’s wrong, kid?”

buck could barely formulate words, the heaving in his chest was too strong to hold anything else. he panted while spitting out y/n’s name. “i cant find her, guys i tried so hard but we just got separated so fast-“

“alright, buck hang in there,” hen says, placing her hand on his shoulder in an attempt to ease him. “we’re going to look around, ok?” buck nods, knowing that this isn’t easy for them either. y/n was the light at the station, being able to cure a bad day and always making every glad to be at work. she made it the best experience, and she became their best friend outside of work too. they’d lose a coworker, but they’d lose a member of their family above all else.

buck storms around the parking lot in the triage areas, desperately begging them for her name. “do you have a y/n here? y/l/n? ive been to all of the other ones and if she’s not here i don’t know what to do.”

“she’s not on my list, sir. i’m so sorry, but have you checked the black tents?” the sad woman asks, acknowledging the tarp that was decked with body bags. buck stared at them, like they became the only thing in the world.

“i- i cant-“ buck breathes, turning around to break the contact.

“i know, you’re ok, buck,” hen speaks, as buck falls into her arms, his knees barely holding any support of his body. he tries to match henrietta’s breathing, her comforting voice soothing his ears. he tried to ignore everything around him, but the aggressive sirens of another ambulance and the lights illuminated the teams faces.

he watched as the two paramedics opened the doors, revealing another on next to a womans body, squeezing the air into her lungs with the bag. buck knows. he sees her damp hair on the stretcher, the hair loves and admired every day. he sees her crimson-stained outfit, the one he complimented her on this morning. lastly, he sees her beautiful face, the face he could never forget. he wants to sprint over to her, but his feet are planted on the ground. he has no more fight left to give, and he lets himself fall to the ground in exhaustion.

the next time his eyes peel open again, buck is sitting behind a curtain, an oxygen mask around his head and a bottle of water being handed to him. “drink this,” bobby demands.

“thanks,” buck replies.

“don’t thank me. you did great work out there today, buck. i’m proud of you.”

“thank you, cap,” buck twists the cap off, starting to take sips of the water. “please tell me i wasn’t dreaming when i saw y/n.”

“you weren’t. she’s in surgery now. she had a pretty nasty laceration on her head, and an even worse one on her abdomen. they’re thinking it hit her appendix, so they’re going in to take it out before it causes more harm than good. they did a few test on her as well,” buck hisses at bobby’s words, not wanting to hear anymore but needing to know. he didn’t know if it was good or bad, but he had to know. “she has a severe concussion. she’ll probably be disoriented and confused when she wakes up, and surely in pain. buck, hey,” bobby notices the man starting to zone out. she’s still hurt, and it’s not enough for buck. he wishes he could put a force field around her, wanting to take the force of anything that might hurt her. knowing that this out of the ordinary thing almost took her life pains him beyond injury.

“s-sorry,” buck whispers. “i want to see her when she’s out of surgery.”

“you can, but i need you to know that it’s going to look bad. she’s going to be intubated and definitely banged up. you have to know that she’s going to be ok. so, say it,” bobby tells him.

“what?”

“say she’s going to be ok.”

buck gives him a confused look, trying to contain the waves of his own tears as he utters the words out. “she’s going to be ok,” before he knows it, the dam breaks and bobby’s hugging buck, comforting him from the emotions that have taken over.

the minute buck gets the confirmation to see his girl, he’s passionately walking down the hallway of the ICU, scanning the rooms for the only one he cares about. scarily, bobby was right. it looked bad. she had cuts through her cheeks and her shoulders, even passing through her eyebrows and forehead. she had a thick bandage around her abdomen, protecting the incisions on her stomach. the lights were dimmed, protecting her eyes from hurting her head even more. the tube down her throat was a haunting sight for buck to see, realizing that she could barely do it on her own.

he sat in the chair next to her, anxious to even graze her hand. he just watched her chest rise slowly and sink down again, next to the hissing of the machine. and he stayed there. he couldn’t bring himself to leave her side again. he lost her once, it wasn’t happening again. so, buck sat next to her until her anesthesia wore off. some people might’ve thought he was a statue, the way he didn’t rip his eyes off of her.

the doctors came in a while later when y/n started breathing over her tube. she was still sleeping, but she was breathing on her own. buck knew she could, he knew this wouldn’t be the thing to take them apart. the worlds had it’s go at trying to separate buck and y/n, but it never works. until death do them part, literally. buck looked at the ring on her finger, almost forgetting that they’re planning a wedding. he’d been given the ring from the nurse, who took it off before her scans. he was the first one to put it on her finger, so he did it again.

the 118 had piled into her room, eddie bringing christopher to his tías house to spend time with her. he came back when he heard about y/n. buck just saved the life of his son, and y/n saved bucks life before he even knew it. the entire team knew it. they needed her to be ok, or work would truly never be the same.

she’d worn off the anesthesia a few hours later, looking at her family surrounding her.

“hey, baby,” buck smiles, still dressed in his muddy clothes. “i know it hurts, it’s ok.”

“what happened?” she asks, rasp in her voice.

“there was a tsunami, y/n. it got you pretty good, too,” bobby added, standing at the edge of her bed. “you fought that pretty good, y/n. they said it was pretty ugly when they found you.”

“yeah, i remember,” she squints. “but why am i here? shouldn’t i be at work soon?” buck gives his captain a confused look.

“she’s just confused, buck. it’s the concussion, don’t worry about that,” eddie whispers behind buck into his ear.

“do you remember seeing anyone or anything?” hen asks.

“i remember being scared, for buck and c-christopher. i thought they were dead for a little, and i thought i was next. but i couldnt just drop there and give up on them.”

buck noticed her exhaustion, from the pain medicine and just the stress of her disorientation. “you should get more sleep, honey. you’re gonna need it.”

“bucks right. we can come back to see you tomorrow, y/n,” hen stands. “we love you, y/n. you did good.”

“you’re tough, y/n, you’ll be alright,” chimney adds, patting her hand and starts to clear out of the room.

“don’t go, buck,” y/n says, grabbing his hand with her eyes shut tightly.

“i’m not going anywhere, y/n/n. you’re stuck with me,” buck tells her, leaving a kiss on her hand and he sees the corner of her lips rise with it.

[supercalime]

Girl who’s too old for DCOMs talks about Descendants Rise of Red for way too long:

- Literally no joke, I’m a firm believer that this is the best descendants movie and I wish we could’ve followed this story since the beginning

- im so so happy that they had a much bigger budget! This franchise really needs big set pieces, a lot of CGI, costumes that look expensive and a cast that can actually act, so it paid off

- ok so I’m gonna highlight a few things, let’s go

- I was really shocked they killed Carlos off (for obvious reasons, my respects to Cameron), as this franchise is for younger kids and dumbs down a lot of things. China’s delivery and her tears made me very emotional. Which is no surprise as she carried the other 2 movies she was in on her back

- Red is a very likable protagonist but some choices made for her character were boring. She’s not really looking for approval from her mom and she clearly has a good head on her shoulders so I don’t see the reason of having the “fake outs” that she will actually sentence someone to death but again, kids movie

- we only got one and a half scene of Maddox but I already love him

- Rita Ora and Brandy ate and left no crumbs. They play queens because they are queens

- after the reveal that there was a prank that turned the QOH evil, I expected that Cinderella had something to do with it (more of that later)

- I did cringe a little on how much rapping/sing-talking there was. If you want that hire Lin Manuel Miranda

- I’ll forever be bitter that Disney flipped Kenny Ortega off and stabbed him in the back, but that being said, Jennifer Phang couldn’t have done it better. She knew how to work with the script and the budget. Although some of the photography and choreography felt a bit weird

- it was certainly a choice that young Bridget looks nothing like her older self. Specially um…skin tone wise. There’s some implications I won’t get into

- im very surprised on how little we saw of the supporting characters. I thought Aladdin, Jasmine and Fay were going to be more prominent. And poor zellie (btw stupid name, just use Rapunzel)! Who got cut out of the movie completely!

- Aladdin and Jasmine were absolutely adorable!

- uliana and the other villains were fun antagonists. They were what I expected so I don’t really have notes.

- it probably has something to do with the IP but I don’t see why not have Uli just be Ursula but whatever

- I do appreciate that this installment finally made clear of what the lore is. We finally got confirmation that this universe isn’t a sequel to the movies, which was very confusing in the first 3

- this is gonna sound horrible but. Im so glad they committed to killing Cinderella. I do wish they had done that before Chloe and Red time travelled to give Chloe more motivation. In fact I’m very happy that this movie was darker than the other. Disney animated movies always had a lot of death so this feels closer to them than the other 3 ever did

- Now onto me thinking Ella was in on the prank, this will be long: the movie has third act issues and it was very anti climatic, which even led me to believe there was going to be a twist until I saw there were like 5 mins left. Anyway, when Cinderella told the QOH “it was just a prank and that was so long ago” I was convinced she had been involved, so I was looking out for it. I was reading into every expression Ella’s actress had and thought I saw that she was pretending to be Bridget’s friend to get out of her abusive home. I thought that it would’ve been revealed that when the prank was done, she’d maybe just do nothing and leave Bridget helpless because she was afraid that if she did help, she’d never be like the other princesses or something. It would’ve been so cool to see Chloe’s view of her mom shatter, as she only knew her as this benevolent queen who’s only kind and perfect.

- obviously none of that happened and the climax felt really flat. We should’ve seen the dance in the beginning of the movie, not knowing who the characters were, then we go to the present, then once the time travel happens, we don’t spend as much time before the dance and we get the dance a little before the third act and see a few of the things play out. Like Ella and charming falling in love, or even Fay giving her the dress and shoes before, and a Carrie like scene of the prank almost happening that is stopped by Red and Chloe. Then back to the present and a BIG ENDING MUSICAL NUMBER!

- All that being said, I hope we get more sequels. I think it would be cool to see this as more of an anthology thing, following different protagonists so the stories don’t feel too stuck into a few characters. Also Disney, cmon. You’re a streaming site now, let’s get some cannon queer characters please

[burst-of-iridescent]

atla live action thoughts: season one review

first things first: anyone who says the Movie That Does Not Exist is better than the live action is straight-up lying. the shymalan film fails on the criteria of even being a decent movie, let alone an adaptation. the netflix series, for all its problems, is at least an enjoyable watch with great effects, music and (mostly) appropriate casting. there's absolutely nothing to compare here - the netflix version clears easily.

now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's delve into the series, starting with the positives.

the good:

visuals and cinematography. they really did a great job of making it feel like a fantasy universe you wanted to be in & i love how vibrant the saturation and colour grading was. it made the world feel so much more dynamic and alive instead of the same flat, boring dullness that so many movies and shows have these days. sometimes i didn't even mind that i was being fed obvious exposition because at least they were giving me something pretty to look at lmao

effects and action. the bending was surprisingly good for the most part, and they did a good job of making the elements feel unique through the stunt choreography and the actors' movements. i'm immensely thankful they didn't try to skimp on budget by merely cutting away from fight scenes or showing us as little as possible. almost all the action sequences were fast-paced and engaging, and i was never bored watching them

acting. the main four were all great, but gordon cormier and dallas liu have to be the standouts for me. gordon brings such an earnest, innocent sweetness to aang that you can't help but like him, and dallas plays all of zuko's facets perfectly: the angst, the explosive anger, the bratty snark, and especially the deep-rooted pain that characterizes so many of zuko's actions in book 1. the range he has, especially when flashing from younger to older zuko, was insane. special shoutout to maria zhang and sebastian amoruso as suki and jet respectively, because they killed it

music. leaves from the vine instrumental had me tearbending and i love how they kept the iconic avatar theme while making it a little darker for this iteration of the story. in general, the soundtrack felt very true to the animation while still being a fresh spin on it

zuko and iroh's relationship and expanding on zuko's crew. i think the fandom universally agrees that lu ten's funeral and zuko's crew being the 41st division were the best changes in the series, so i'm not going to talk about it further other than to say that these scenes show me what the show can be, and that's why i'm not giving up on it

the bad:

characterization. almost all the main characters are missing the little nuances that made them so great in the original, but the greatest casualty is katara. i hate that they took away so much of her rage, and gave many of her traits and struggles to sokka. i don't think this is a problem solely with the writing though, because certain lines do feel like things animated katara would say, but the directing and line delivery don't have the same punch that made her so fierce in the original. this is an easily fixed issue though, so i hope they take the criticism and let my girl be angry and fuck shit up next season

exposition. this was primarily a problem in depicting aang's personality and the relationship between the gaang, because a) why are you TELLING me that aang is mischievous and fun-loving instead of just showing me and b) the gaang do NOT feel like close friends, mostly because they spend so much time apart in every episode that they have little screentime to actually bond and develop intimacy.

lack of focus on the intricacies of bending. for a show whose tagline is "master your element" the characters spend very little time actually... mastering their element. zuko is never shown to struggle with firebending (which is going to have ramifications when it comes to developing his relationship with azula), and neither aang nor katara ever learn waterbending from a master throughout the the entire show. i'm pretty sure aang never willingly waterbends ONCE in the entire eight episodes, discounting the avatar state and koizilla. bending isn't just cool martial arts, it's closely linked to the philosophies and spirituality of each nation, and i wish that had been explored more.

pacing. they really needed to do a better job of conveying that time passed between episodes because an 8-episode season is just going to FEEL shorter than a 20-episode one. the original animation felt as though they'd truly been on a long journey before arriving at the north, but here it feels like the entire show happened in the span of a fortnight or so because each episode seemed to pick up right after the previous. they needed to have more downtime within episodes instead of just rushing from plot beat to plot beat because it made everything feel a lot more rushed. give the characters and story time to breathe.

final rating: 7/10.

overall, i would describe the live action as a better version of the percy jackson movies - not an accurate or perfect adaptation, but a decent story that's very fun to watch. but what really makes me root for this show to get a season 2 is that it has a lot of potential and more importantly, a lot of heart. it's evident that the people who worked on it do genuinely love and respect the original series, and it shows onscreen.

regardless of anything else, this show created opportunities for so many asian and indigenous actors, writers and creators to tell the kinds of stories and play the kinds of roles they don't usually get, and that's something worth supporting. if they take the criticism from this season and improve, i believe they really do have something special on their hands which - although it might not be the original we all know and love - could still be a story to be proud of.

[dendrophalaen]

my thoughts on godzilla minus one

tl;dr i had a religious experience (positive) and it may be my new favorite godzilla movie

i'm going to try to organize my thoughts lmao i have never done a film analysis or review

story

i went in knowing next to nothing, so i was very afraid this was going to be heavy on the imperialist propaganda and reminiscing on the "good old days" of the japanese military

however i was pleasantly surprised to see that it was quite anti-government :]

loved the delivery of the themes of "all lives being precious" and "living on for yourself as well as for the sake of others" – not hammy or blunt!

FORESHADOWING OF THE EJECTION SEAT? chef's KISS we love picking up what the movie is putting down and getting to see the payoff

speaking of foreshadowing:

dr. noda: [takes noriko's picture]

me: oh no she's going to die

i spent like the last quarter of the movie with a headache because i was clenching my teeth and holding in tears after noriko's death ("death") AND koichi planning to blow himself up and orphan akiko

and all the ex-navy guys rallying together to defeat godzilla

i am not immune to classic story beats

semi-related i thought noriko would be covered in radiation burns, but then i realized a depiction of that would probably be insensitive

also the guys measuring radiation in plastic costs? come on now i know we weren't fully educated in the risks of radiation but there must've been some sort of better ppe

characters

i enjoyed like every character which is rare for me in a godzilla film

koichi just can't catch a break. this man gained so much trauma in a short amount of time, like he doesn't have ptsd because the trauma is ONGOING. i think he's my favorite and it's very easy to root for him

his introduction is of him as a shaky baby-faced pilot and then you find out he was supposed to be a kamikaze pilot like goddamn

i liked noriko's assertiveness ("hey i'm staying in your house now :)") and her ability to see kindness in koichi and sumiko

her struggle of wanting to become independent is very relatable. you could see the bittersweetness in her eyes showing that she felt guilty yet grateful for koichi's support........

i was surprised how quickly sumiko agreed to taking care of akiko? but it makes sense since she was (is) a mother and could not bear to see another child suffer, and akiko gave her life a new purpose

i would've liked more focus on the female characters and i don't think it's fair to just blame it on the era :playdead:

i really liked the chemistry between dr. noda, captain akitsu, and mizushima

dr. noda in particular felt like a nice foil/parallel to serizawa from the 1954 movie; he's also a scientist but he's much more personable(?)/"human"

dr. serizawa was my favorite in 1954 but he was very anguished and set on making reparations by killing godzilla (and koichi could be a parallel to him in that regard)

noda focused on protecting the living, not avenging the dead

ough mizushima. being a Youth who feels useless sure hits home

i'd say tachibana is my least favorite just by comparison to everyone else, but he's honestly so valid for his whole deal

visuals and sound

very elegant color grading, costuming, and set design!

i don't know film girl help

GOOD SOUNDTRACK the music set the scenes so well

i joked about getting my eardrums blasted by godzilla but he really was that loud. as he should be

godzilla (design, abilities, etc)

SWEET JESUS THIS IS THE SCARIEST GODZILLA BY FAR

godzilla: [shows up in the first 10 minutes with blair witch shaky cam]

me: the filmmakers are not messing around they mean BUSINESS

the rampage on odo island was rightfully terrifying

i love his texture and face. the scrunkliness of heisei with the horrifying pain of shin

i think his head is a bit small for his body, like if it was 5% bigger it would be perfect

loved the visuals of his scales flaking off after getting bombed

the nuclear fallout when he used his atomic breath in tokyo was awe-inducing

great use of godzilla as a war allegory

i saw the movie in d-box so the shotgun-blast of heat ray was intense

also coolest godzilla death. sick decapitation

the plan to imprison him in bubbles and give him the bends felt a bit silly in the moment but highlighted how desperate everyone was for ANYTHING to work

really liked how godzilla was more like an animal or unstoppable force of nature without a clear motive

i mean the only emotion you could ascribe is probably RAGE

sidenote i did think it was a lil funny whenever an object was flung through the air from offscreen. there goes godzilla having another tantrum

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

I have a really weird hyperfixation on The Mummy, but not the Boris Karloff or the Brendan Fraser versions, those would be completely acceptable movies to enjoy (and I do so enjoy them)

but I cannot stop thinking about The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise and it's a problem

I love bad movies, I love them so much, I own so many b-grade horror flicks, old classic films with terrible acting and awful special effects, I love absolutely shit tier cgi, I love Ed Wood disasters, I love cult classic bad movies, I love really weird niche bad movies

but this one is like, such a special kind of bad movie, I can't really put my finger on exactly why though?? but I am damn well going to try, in this essay I will-

they fucked up from the get go by casting Tom Cruise, like this movie is sometimes deliberately goofy, but a lot of the time it takes itself very seriously, SO seriously, and I cannot physically take Tom Cruise seriously, he turns every single scene he is in into a joke by virtue of his mere presence

but when they have actual jokes, they are so not funny they cycle back around to being really fucking funny

I am watching this movie fucking whiff every god damn beat it tries to hit and it does it so beautifully it's a god damn marvel

Russel Crowe as Jekyll and Hyde??? I actually somehow missed the part where he introduced himself as Jekyll on my first watch, so the Hyde reveal was a true surprise to me and I was very genuinely disappointed on my second watch when I realised it was not supposed to be a surprise, because that was a really fun reveal

and Russel Crowe seemed to be having an absolute fucking whale of a time as Hyde, I loved every moment he was on screen with his stupid cockney accent, I would watch his movie, I know it would be bad, that's why I want it, because there is nothing quite like a bad movie with an actor still giving 110%

and the mummy character herself? she was supposed to be pharaoh and then her dad had a son with someone else and now this baby is jumping all up in her place like, okay baby murder might not be the coolest thing in the world but like, she's got ambition, she's getting shit done, she's hustlin' like go get it girl I'm rooting for you babe

also when she sucked the life out of some dude and turned him into a shrivelled husk my roommate said 'she could do that to me and I'd thank her' so she's got that going for her, like girl's a half rotten corpse wrapped in decaying bandages and she still slays

and then we have the completely ridiculous female rivalry??? like this mummy could kill this woman SO MANY TIMES and just doesn't???? for reasons?????? like she could literally kill her in an instant at any moment but no they gotta girl fight for a bit because Tom Cruise is at stake and why wouldn't two hot women fight over Tom Cruise right?? right????

nevermind the fact that he has been practically nothing but ✨The WooOOOOooorst✨ to her the WHOLE first act of the movie, oh and uh let's not forget the 'duh huh guy bad at sex' jokes that they just could not put down for a good chunk there (but wait! uh he's good at sex actually she's just being mean because he hurt her feewings)

like, this movie hits every fucking branch of the bad trope tree, this movie is playing bad trope bingo, it is collecting bad tropes like pokemon, it has to have them all

also a really bizarre ongoing American Werewolf in London reference?? it was not unwelcome, it was some of the best comedy in the movie (that is an easy bar to jump btw), the actor had some great wry line delivery, I enjoyed it

I think the biggest issue, and the reason I can't stop chewing on this magnum opus of garbage, is that it reminds me of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, in several different ways

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen also happens to be another of my favourite bad movies, but it falls into the particular genre of bad movies, a fucking cool as shit concept, and some really cool as shit visuals, and some very cool as shit characters, but an absolute swing and a miss on the delivery

The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise has That Vibe to me, there is some cool shit here, we know this because the previous version utilised that cool shit very very well, but this one was the only one who made the villain a woman pursuing a man, and not just any man, the ✨worst✨ man, you did not feel very sorry for this guy, honestly watching him go through the constant torment of being stalked by a bodacious supernatural babe who put a sexy little curse kiss on him was fun, he's a sopping wet little meow meow and I wanna see him thrown at a wall, and I get to see that several times, and it is a delight every time

in the previous movie the mummy went after really likeable characters, people who were just generally nice, a roguish scamp with a heart of gold, or just really hot, seriously that cast was beyond smoking what the fu

I did not like Tom Cruise as a character, and to be fair that was the point, he was supposed to have a redemption arc, the story and his sacrifice at the end were supposed to be about him becoming a better person

but he fucking doesn't??? it's like 'oh boo hoo I have made this great sacrifice and now I am a monster and I did it to save my lady love's life even though we had zero chemistry and I was just ✨The Worst✨ to her' and then he fucks off to go and do the exact same shit he was doing at the start of the movie, fucking around in the desert looking for boy adventures

it was a great ending and I loved it because it was so dumb and also he abandoned the woman he brought back to life to go fuck around with his bro who he also brought back to life, I love that for them, go have some boy adventures you madlads you sure didn't earn it but don't let that stop you, just heterosexually ride off into the sunset together it's fine, she is literally better off without you in every way you made the Correct Decision

and then there's these moments, moments that are treated like big moments, and could be really cool moments, but just don't fucking land

there's a part where Tom Cruise starts talking to the mummy in her own language (they got a psychic bond and shit which is it's own cool little thing we'll get back to that) and everyone is watching like 😮 oooh didn't know he could do that wow there really IS magic bond between them oooh, and it's like a Big Deal and Very Cool

but Tom Cruise just sounds like he's speaking gibberish with a mouth full of novocain???? it doesn't sound cool at all??? it sounds really goofy???? I half expected him to start drooling on himself

then there is the ending, leading lady dies, he completes the ritual to invite the god of death into his body (a fucking baller move honestly), he fights it for control as the mummy attempts to sway the beast inside him to her side, but when he sees his beloved laying dead he fights her off, using his newfound powers to defeat her, and then weeps over his lady love begging for her to wake up

and then as he lets the god inside him loose, a terrible monstrous visage takes him over as he bloodcurdlingly screams in her face WAKE UP!!! and the power within him that he doesn't understand and can barely control listens

she wakes, and sees him hiding in the shadows, unable to face her now that he has become something terrifying

at least that's what I think they thought the scene would be like, it was a little more like, some crappy flashback and speed up effects as he becomes the god of death, a really pathetic and uneventful 1 minute of him fighting for control, after which he has a really pathetic and uneventful 1 minute of fighting the mummy, and then as he screams for his lady love to wake up, we get a shot of some absolutely fucking god awful cgi and the most uninspired monster face I've ever seen

I mean, half seen, it was a very dark shot, in fact most of the movie is shot in the dark, a very blatant attempt to obscure the shithouse cgi

except in one scene where it kinda fucking slapped, where the mummy sucks the life out of some guys, and then reanimates their husky corpses as thralls, the way they stand like jerky unstable puppets being dragged to their feet by unseen strings was actually pretty fuckin' dope and the dark scene obscured the details in just the right amount to make their uncannily decrepit silhouettes appear super creepy

this is the only time that trick works, every other time I just want someone to turn on a fucking torch so I can actually see what the hell's going on

okay now let's get back to that psychic bond thing

our main character was chosen not because he was a descendant, or a reincarnation, or just Looked Real Pretty (although I think she did have the hots for him a leeetle bit which is like, girl raise your standards, it's Tom Cruise, he's about as sexually appealing as a wet potato, you can do better), he had absolutely zero in common with the mummy's original choice for this ritual, in fact that guy was not significant to the story at all, I think he was just some dude who was down for some ritual shenanigans 'cause a hot lady asked him (also he was hotter than Tom Cruise so this is a significant downgrade, I feel like if she had the opportunity to shop around a little she might have picked better)

so Tom Cruise wasn't chosen for any reason other than that he's the one who released her, and she sees this as her way of saying thank you, and I love that, it's real sweet, would love if I opened a door for someone and they repaid me by summoning a god of death into my body, that really shows they care you know?

she gives him a little hallucinatory kissy kiss and then manages to follow him everywhere, while also compelling him to follow her without him really knowing it, there is a very cool part where he's trying to drive away from her, but somehow ends up driving in a circle and falling right back into her clutches, that was cool, that had the potential to even be super fucking creepy, she can manipulate him without him even realising, it doesn't matter where he goes or what he does, he will always somehow find his way back to her, that's so good, I love that

and then back to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comparisons

The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise established a concept of an organisation who hunt down, collect, and research supernatural phenomena, with a leader (Jekyll) who also has ulterior motives and is actually not really the good guy, this movie was also supposed to be part of a monster movie cinematic universe, so this really could have become like, the Universal Monster Movie equivalent of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and I would have watched the hell out of that, and I am crushed that this movie bombed so bad and ruined the whole plan

like could you imagine a whole series as bad as this movie? all culminating together as the most god awful Avengers style team up? fuuuck I want to live in that universe so bad

I think my fascination comes from this ungodly mix of real pure potential, those fleeting super fucking cool moments and concepts that, if given to literally any other actor, could have really been something, and the just pure insane failure to make literally anything in this plot successfully land a hit

somehow this movie felt like the completely dead and soulless corpse of a cheap party clown, while the ghost of something incredible flickered in its eyes

[feerz]

Ranking all the Jesuses from every version I've watched/listened to so far

without further ado let's get into it 🙌

Ian Gillan - 1970 Original concept album

The True Doer that you cannot outdo. The og who made this role what it is today. And since the og album was were I got my start and obsession with jcs, I have a huge fondness for him. There's just something so- so... about him. His vocals? Insane, fantastic, the golden standard. His Gethsemane is Everything. He raised the bar so high (literally lol) and made this role harder for everyone that came after him and I respect that. I also love his characterisation. He is a rockstar and he knows it. Adore this whiny ass messiah and his dramatics. 9/10

Ted Neeley - 1973 movie

Sad little mouse man. He's like some small rodent to me. His gethsemane is iconic, but beyond it I don't care to much about his Jesus. He's perfectly inoffensive, but I find him a bit boring. Poor guy also had the disadvantage of performing against Carl Anderson, who's too powerful and who commanded every scene he was in, outshining Jesus. Tedsus is not for me personally, but he's definitely not bad. 6/10

Camilo Sesto - Madrid 1975 album

I like him! He reminds me of Ian's Jesus but sadder (love to see it). Really good vocals. That 'POR QUE' ate. And his Gethsemane in general too. I don't have that much to say besides that, but Señor Sesto is really good in this role. 8/10

James Whitson - San Jose Civic Light Opera's 1990 production

Uhhhhhhh. Watched this in a discord watch party and for half of it we were thought this was Ted. It wasn't. Don't really know what to say, there wasn't anything really memorable or notable about him. Also has the disadvantage of being pared up with Carl Anderson, except it's even worse here. If Carl was anywhere near him, no chance I was paying attention to Jesus. Um... he chased Santa out of the Temple! That's something! 3/10

Steve Balsamo - 1996 London revival album

Steve Balsamo Jesus, my dearly beloved. How can you not love him. Just rewatch his Gethsemane for the 1000th time. His vocals are out of this world, man has organ pipes in place of vocal chords. Props to him for actually crying in gethsemane and still killing it. Absolutely fantastic. And his beautiful hair and those brown eyes really add to it. He's such a sad pathetic man, it's great. No complaints 10/10

Glenn Carter - 2000 movie

I'm shaking, please buy him brown contacts. I am a glensus hater, although I have to admit that during my second viewing I didn't dislike him as much. Easily my least favourite gethsemane (lmm excluded), except his delivery of "what you started, I didn't start it", that was surprisingly good. Again, I'm a hater but bonus points for the entertainment factor. 4/10

Paul Nolan - 2012 Broadway revival

BORING! Sorry your trouple doesn't save you from being so incredibly bland. It's like looking at a white wall that has just been painted over and you're watching it dry. Gethsemane is solid vocally, I like his interactions with others. But Jesus himself? No thanks. The staging of the crucifixion was so great, but then there he is with his mouth agape like a baby bird being fed and unconvincing "suffering". Also, no blood? 3/10

Ben Forster - 2012 UK Arena tour

THIS IS THE ONE. My roman empire. My most dear blorbo. He's been living in my head rent free for months. I love him so much. He's just so incredibly stressed out and angsty and pathetic and constantly on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. His gethsemane is my favourite. Just pretty much everything I could want from a performance of it. The way he curls up on the floor? The little moments when his voice breaks a bit from emotion?? The knee thing??? Great, fantastic, stunning, no notes. Also I adore his costuming, finally Jesus is given something more interesting. 11/10

John Legend - 2018 NBC

Hot take, but he's not nearly as bad as people make him out to be. He's just fine. I do enjoy his voice, Poor Jerusalem is especially good. Although I don't love his acting in the second act, but I really liked him in the first one. This Jesus just seems really nice and friendly and I love that. Gethsemane is solid vocally, even without the G5. Anyways he's not bad at all! 6/10

Andrew Latobesi - 2018 Villanova College

This was another wildcard from the watch party. Jesus didn't stand out much because we were all a bit distracted by Judi. And Mary. He was bland and the acting was not fantastic, but this is a high school prod, and for what it's worth he's not bad. Gethsemane was solid enough considering everything. The crucifixion surprisingly hit, good crying there. ??/10 since I don't think it would be fair to rank him against all those adult professional performers.

Jack Hopewell - 50th Anniversary North America tour

The only Jesus that made me cry while watching. He suffers real good (and looks very pretty while doing so). He's just so- so... I just wanted to wrap him up in a soft blanket and give him a kiss on the forehead and feed him soup. Tbh I think he's one of the best vocally too. His high note is my fav. Gethsemane in general is just great too. Love how much he's just some silly guy who then has to face the Horrors. He's just very cute :] 10/10

Jeangu Macrooy - 2024 Netherlands national tour

The most poor little meow meow Jesus ever. He's so pathetic it's great. Him smiling and being happy was also so cute. Really good vocals too, man killed those high notes. His gethsemane too... Jeangu Macrooy absolutely steels the show and it's fantastic and incredibly heartbreaking. Want to see his performance again so so badly. In the meantime everyone should check out a snippet of his performance 10/10

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[spooky-jordan]

Hi! I just got into the X Files (currently at S1E16) and I decided to check out S6E6 (How The Ghosts Stole Christmas) for the Halloween spookiness. I'm wondering how you feel about this episode, and if you agree with the ghosts' hot takes on Mulder and Scully's dynamic.

PS: I refuse to believe it's a Christmas episode. The location-shifting mindscrews and the gore (the floorboard scene and the gunshot wounds) alone makes this episode so harrowing to me. But it's such a great episode! Especially when Lyda comments that both Mulder and Scully are attractive. I cackled out loud when I heard that.

- 🌵

How the Ghosts Stole Christmas is one of my favourite episodes of the series so thanks for asking me this!!!

I mean, where to begin? I love the entire episode from start to finish - Mulder calling Scully on Christmas Eve to come and go ghost hunting with him (NOT for a case, just for funsies) is just so adorable and also a little sad. I love when Scully tries to get out of it to go be with her family, and she asks him doesn’t he have anywhere to be? And it’s just ugh 😩 it’s such a sad moment because we know that in fact, he does not. I’m mindful of saying too much because you’ve not seen the whole show, but yeah I dunno. I just think the entire conceit of the episode is equally funny and tragic.

I looove all the comedy. I love Mulder trying to spook Scully, Scully trying to rationalise her fear. One of my favourite moments is when they find the bodies under the floorboards and Scully realises the woman is wearing her clothes and Mulder just says “how embarrassing” - Duchovny’s delivery makes me cackle.

I think the ghost’s assessments of Mulder & Scully are definitely somewhat accurate - I mean, obviously we know that Mulder didn’t bring her out there because he subconsciously wanted to commit a murder/suicide 😂 but at this point in the series, their feelings for each other are definitely more than just platonic, and we’ve seen evidence for this in the episodes leading up to it and the first movie. I think the guy ghost (whose name escapes me) basically hit the nail on the head with some of what he says about Mulder - specifically his loneliness. Obviously the ghosts are trying to exacerbate these feelings to get them to kill each other, but I think they touched on something that was definitely already there. Mulder is a lonely guy. What else does he have but Scully and his X-Files? 💔

The resolution of the episode is great - Duchovny’s acting playing the ghost impersonating Mulder is so great, I love when Duchovny gets to play unhinged Mulder. The scene when they think they’ve both been shot and are just crawling around on the floor like a couple of slugs leaving imaginary blood trails behind them makes me cackle every time. And the moment of realisation when it clicks, Mulder understanding that they’ve been tricked, knowing he’d never have shot Scully and vice versa, and the shot of them running away from the house together into the fog. UGH. I love it all.

And then of course we get that beautiful final scene. Scully choosing to turn up at Mulder’s to exchange Christmas gifts, because she realises that’s where she wants to be. It’s just 😘 perfection. It’s a super fun, silly episode with a lot of poignant shit to say about Mulder and Scully and where they are at that point in their relationship. I love it a lot a lot!

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

There's so much stupid in this film but I really have to single out this scene as being the best "What the fuck is happening" moment of the whole movie

"Tell him this rock is more valuable to me than his life"

Elon Musk here good lord

"Ask him where he found it"

"He says it came from the sky"

He didn't ask where it came from, I think he needs a better translator, maybe this whole thing is a wacky misunderstanding that's due to Wade Wilson's Non-Union Equivalent not actually speaking the language here

"It's a meteor fragment"

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS"

Stryker sounds so pissed here like "fuckin hell why is no one just answering my one basic question, I know its a fuckin sky rock, WHERE THE FUCK DID IT LAND"

"VIIIIICCTOOOOOORRRRRR"

That line delivery

No notes, chefs kiss

"WE DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS"

Logan, you are part of a fucking black ops kill squad this is LITERALLY what you signed up for this is what you've been doing

We saw you doing this a scene ago

Also oh my god, why are you surprised your brother is a monster, you literally got into this mess because you had to physically stop him doing a war crime

But the best part?

"We can't just let you walk away!"

Logan: (Walks away)

Every member of X-Force: (Just lets him do that)

That line

That line has become part of me an my girlfriends love language

When she's feeling down I will lift up one of the cats and yell at her, before she goes to work "REBECCA!

YOU KNOW WE CAN'T JUST LET YOU WALK AWAY" because we both have seen this stupid as shit movie and it's such a fuckin peak stupid moment that being reminded of it makes her chuckle before she goes to work :D

[tending-the-hearth]

OMG you’re an ‘Epic’ enjoyer? Me too! I never understood how people could hate that movie. Do you have a favourite scene or character?

oh my god it's one of my FAVORITE movies, up there with "Strange Magic"!! Idk, it's the funky fantasy 2010s vibe, i just love it so much

Mub and Grub will always be two of my favorite characters, they are SO funny, and Mub's "Want me to call your flat-faced mama?" moment always makes me laugh hysterically, the delivery is 10/10

i have to say favorite character for SURE is Ronin, i love a tough and ragged character who is soft around exactly one person, and he's just the most exhausted dad to Nod and MK the entire movie. Plus, the "do you know how many boggins i've had to fight to get here? i lost count, what's one more?" line is just... perfection

One of my favorite moments is Tara's spirit saying "There's that smile" to Ronin when she appears at the end of the movie, 10/10 emotional damage

I also just love love love MK and Nod's interactions throughout the movie, and the ending when MK has to leave, and she and Nod hug and it calls back to every "put your arms around me" moment between them??? beloveds fr

I would honestly kill for a prequel movie surrounding Ronin and Tara's childhood, and how Ronin and Nod's father were friends, it would be such a good

[28dayslater]

Please talk more about how you hated Deadpool 3, your sharp-witted hot takes sustain me.

Love you lots x

I probably wouldn't have been so irate about it if I didn't like the other deadpool movies. Like they're stupid and annoying but I do like them, I really like deadpool 2 I think it's genuinely well made. This was not.

So there were actually several things I liked:

Hugh Jackman seems like he's genuinely trying and I thought his character was, at the start, reasonably compelling. Like he's this total failure got all his friends killed depressed as fuck and doesn't even want to fight. Unfortunately he then becomes Generic Marvel Hero (personality variation: grumpy) and all that is lost

Emma Corrin is decent as the main villain and her outfit is cute

Matthew Macfayden is so good, this is him operating at 5% of his powers but he's genuinely so funny, his line delivery is amazing

I cracked a smile at one (1) joke (Wolverine very flatly saying "we don't know that guy")

Here's a non exhaustive list of complaints

Emma Corrin and Matthew Macfayden despite coming off well are given absolutely nothing interesting to do

Every line of dialogue has "fucking" shoved in at some random interval, has zero effect and just comes off like WHOA GUYS LOOK... THEY SAID THE BAD WORD IN A MARVEL MOVIE... ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT????

Deadpool's annoying dialogue is even worse than usual, we need to shoot Ryan Reynolds in the street like a dog. People were hooting and hollering in my cinema. Why. It's simply not funny

I hate scenes where the hero(es) go up against a thousand random indistinguishable goons and kill them all in one hit, there are approximately five hundred of those and they all last what feels like hours

I hate scenes where the hero(es) go up against someone exactly as strong as them and just punch/stab/shoot each other for ages and do no lasting damage so what was even the point, there are approximately five hundred of those and they all last what feels like hours

The emotional core of the movie is absolutely non existent, it's that Deadpool got dumped by Vanessa for not caring enough about saving the world or whatever so he's trying to prove himself as a superhero?? This is not compelling

I am not a fan of massive scale "we have to save the universe" stuff in general and where I think the previous two movies benefited from being a lot smaller scale (we have to beat the bad guy bc he is evil, we have to stop this boy killing someone bc then he'll become evil) this is like THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS AT RISK IT'S GOING TO BE OBLITERATED which essentially means there are no stakes at all. Like that means nothing. Who gives a shit

I also hate the stupid multiverse shit and I might have turned a blind eye had it not been so egregious. They get sent to this dimension where all the superhero rejects go and every minute of the film after that is like "look it's Elektra from daredevil 2003! Remember her? Look it's Random Xman #59! Look it's doctor strange's magic ring!" Ohhhhhhhh my god who CARES

There's this bit where he's trying to join the avengers and Jon Favreau gives this whole speech about how important they are, it's just five minutes of Kevin Feige sucking his own dick cumming into his own mouth and swallowing

NO CABLE NO DOMINO NO RUSSELL.... WHATS THE POINT

Why was "Shatterstar" there at all

[zalrb]

Favorite parts from what we do in the shadows?

Some of my favourite experiences with comedy are when there's a joke and my initial response is kinda lukewarm but then as time goes by (this is all happening within seconds) I end up chuckling at the joke to full out laughing and that happened quite a bit when I was watching the movie.

So, something as simple as "We're werewolves not swear-wolves" just had me like lol ... Lol ... LOL ... L O L ... and then later on when the pack leader is swearing because it's a full moon and he's just like, fuck off to a tree! the delivery was hilarious.

Or when Viago is talking about how he brings back victims and wants to make the night special for them because it's the last time they're going to be alive. Throughout the entire scene it was the same sort of lol ... Lol ... LOL ... L O L build-up.

The dishes scene, specifically when Vladislav says that he's embarrassed to bring people over and Deacon is like, but you kill them anyway so why do I have to do the dishes.

When the police find Stu mauled and they take a regular dog into custody and are like, we're going to have to put it down now and the dog does a little whimper I initially was like awww but then the cop is like "Look what you've done" and then I just burst out laughing.

BAT FIGHT.

When the zombie asks Stu if he could ask him a personal question and then is like, ... are you pre-deceased?

"Shame! Shame! Shame!" plus before that when they're listing all the reasons for Nick to be kicked out and then are like you brought a human to the house and then immediately everyone's like ... Stu's OK though ...

Every interaction they had with the werewolves.

There are definitely more.

Oh, how could I forget, them drawing each other so they can see how they look since they don't have reflections, I think that was probably my favourite detail.

[blubbly-pizza]

I watched - Down - 2001

Every character is so unlikeable and so watchable.

This is such a bad movie, I loved it. It's 110 minutes. It's so damn long. The ADR is terrible. The accents are too thick. No likeable characters to be found. It's a 10/10. Why? I'd say spoilers below, but you can't spoil this movie meaningfully. Except for one scene.

Dick Maas is either a terrible filmmaker or a genius. All those things above? Whatever. The kills? Hilarious and 'justified' for every character. The delivery of lines goes into parody. THE FINALE MADE ME CHEER OUT LOUD.

If I didn't sell you on this not quite campy movie, go to youtube and search "The Shaft 2001 Funny Scene"

[cacw]

miscellaneous civil war thoughts. word count 1214

Ok first Ant-Man is annoying in this one. Sorry. Not really. The airport fight is also annoying. I feel like it should have been taken a lot more seriously considering literally everything that's supposed to be happening. And like most of these movies, there are a few lines and deliveries that are just embarrassing to watch. Tiny guy is big now makes me want to kill myself. But on the other hand Spider-Man throwing a chunk of wall at Bucky did make me almost cry laughing.

On the other other hand I deeply and truly hate 15-year-old Spider-Man's entrance and overall presence here. What a joke.

The Steve and Sharon moment is also a joke mostly because the writers completely abandoned her character for 5 years afterwards. Steve never got her that pardon. I don't think anyone even mentions her again. If there's one thing Marvel hates more than gay people it's women.

It's beyond unfortunate how little of Steve and Bucky we actually see in this one and throughout the remainder of the MCU (which is another topic for another day, but you already know what I mean). We're shown again and again through Steve's words and actions that Bucky is his most important person and that nothing will stop Steve from trying to save him. But they're hardly allowed to even touch each other. The reason for this is so glaringly obvious it would feel a little redundant to even spell it out but it really does make me feel kind of sad. Hollywood is evil. Disney is evil.

That being said, their relationship is still deeply heartfelt and personal and it's so obvious in what we do see. Steve's intake of breath before he asks if Bucky knows him. Bucky smiling at Steve for the first time since 1945. The little nods and the ways they're still able to communicate without words. The way Bucky somehow always manages to drift to his left. Steve looking to Bucky again and again only to find Bucky looking right back. Dropping the shield for him, again. I feel like it's easy to forget that the first shield Steve ever picked up for Bucky wasn't even made of vibranium.

And speaking of relationships, it is also beyond irritating to see Tony lash out at everyone who doesn't completely agree with him. Natasha attempts to reach out multiple times, and the outcomes involve him either shutting her down or talking straight shit. Natasha gives him a hand, and he pushes her away, and it's clearly a big reason why she helped Steve in the end, because he trusts and knows her in a way Tony can't.

In a similar vein, there's another scene that is absolutely crucial to Steve and Tony's relationship. When Tony is trying to get Steve to sign the accords, he ends up mentioning his father, and Steve says he's glad he eventually got to settle down. Tony is quick as ever to make a crack about hating hearing about Steve while growing up, and you can see Steve's face fall immediately. Steve, like Natasha, is always willing to reach out a hand to those who need it, but Tony's ego makes him incapable of taking it. Steve and Tony are not as close as the audience is supposed to believe; they are not family. Like this scene alone is incredibly telling. And I feel like the point of a lot of these scenes is that Tony IS in the wrong for doing this to them, but it feels egregious and it's almost painful to watch him do this to himself, hurt others in the process, and get away with it every time.

And while I'm talking about people who actually feel and care for Steve I have to bring up Sam and Natasha's roles in this one. Sam doesn't have too much screentime but he stands out in every scene he's in. He's an incredible person and character and I wish he had been utilized more. He's always by Steve's side and their friendship is genuinely sweet to see, especially compared to some others. He went with him to the funeral and that alone speaks volumes! He's willing to give it all up to help Steve (he spent 2 YEARS helping look for and save someone he believed to be dangerous just because he believes in Steve), but he's also doing all this because HE believes it's the right thing. It's so good. I'll have to dive more into my Sam thoughts another day.

One more thing about Tony and I was really trying hard to sound unbiased here but he deserved to die just for knocking Sam to the ground. He's a bitch. And sidenote a lot of people try to justify his anger and outbursts in this movie and some of it is reasonable to an extent sure but he just keeps doing all this shit and getting away with it and no one has a problem with this. He brought a high schooler to fight Captain America. Come on. And that's not even mentioning Sokovia.

Natasha's character in this movie gets a lot of flack sometimes and I can understand why, but I think people who say so aren't really seeing her for who she is. It's not that she was with Steve all along, or that she couldn't make up her mind, because it isn't really about Team Cap VS Team Iron Man; she's with her whole team. Everything she does is for her team, whether it's SHIELD or the Avengers, because that's her family. She went to meet Steve at the funeral because he is a part of that family and she didn't want him to be alone. She doesn't want any one of them to be alone! And she is good at genuinely listening to people, so she manages to hear the thoughts of Steve and Tony and everyone else in a way others struggle to do. And in the end she chooses to help do what SHE believes is right, not just her team. Staying together is important to her, but not if it means giving up everything else that makes her who she is.

I want to end this with something positive. I think Bucky is very cute. His hat and his Henley are cute. His hair tucked behind his ears was cute in those 2 scenes. What a sweetheart. That post-credit scene was stupid as hell.

Actually I do have to mention how dumb that is. I don't understand why they had to figure out a way to fix his mind. That doesn't even make sense. It's all conditioning and there's no hack for that. That is not how that should work. Maybe I'd be more understanding if they hadn't kept him in Wakanda for the next 2 years but it's bad and it's lazy and it sucks and this is the hand Bucky is going to be dealt for the rest of time.

Steve is a great character. I just wish this movie had been fully about him.

So all in all Civil War is a pretty pitiful excuse for a Captain America movie and I honest to god don't understand how some of this made it through the writer's room. Whatever.