#every other relationship he has is tainted with 'they don't love the real me. they will hate me when they know.'

[bloodlust-1]

The Consort ₊⁺જ⁀➴

NSWF | Explicit 18+ | Angst | Blood | Ascended Astarion | Spawn Tav | Dark | Smut | Trauma | Stockholm Syndrome | Violence

Ascended Astarion x fem Tav

Chapter: 6 | Please Don’t Go

Summary: In a tumultuous tale of love, power, and betrayal, Tav finds herself entangled in a complex relationship with Astarion, a heartless vampire lord who will stop at nothing to maintain control over his newfound spawn. As Tav witnesses Astarion’s transformation and descent into darkness, their love is put to the ultimate test amidst love triangles, drama, and the pursuit of world domination. Redemption seems like an elusive goal while Tav grapples with the realization of who her lover has truly become.

UPDATED EVERY MONDAY.

Notes: Hi, hi 🫶🏼 back again for another chapter - let’s get this shit started

posting couple hours early bc of work ^^

AO3 LINK | MASTER LIST

Lovely photo by @astarionposting

Tav and Astarion arrived back home a day later from the lively party in Waterdeep, and Astarion was unusually quiet as they made their way inside their home.

Without uttering a word, Astarion disappeared into his study, completely in his own silence. It was like he was in deep thought and Tav was no interruption.

She sighed.

He seems like something's on his mind...Maybe being home again made the reality of his ascension real each time he came back to this damned palace without a problem.

Tav put down her coat and followed Astarion into his study, where she found him sitting in a luxurious chair, fists against his mouth, staring aimlessly into the fireplace.

He was in one of his moods.

In a gentle tone, “Is everything alright?” Tav took a few steps and stood beside him. Leaning over slightly, her eyes tried to get a peek at his face.

Astarion remained motionless, his eyes still fixed on the flickering flames. Without turning to look at Tav, he spoke lowly, “How would you feel if I shared my gift? Eternal life. In exchange, spawn will serve us, carrying out tasks that others would shy away from.”

Tav’s laughed nervously, her head tilting slightly in disbelief. “Is that what that woman wanted from you..?” she asked, trying to make sense of his words.

A moment of silence passed before Astarion shook his head slowly. He straightened up from his position and moved closer to the fireplace, feeling the warmth caress his pale skin. “No,” he replied quietly.

“It appears that I was not the only person trying to kill Cazador,” Astarion continued, his eyes narrowing as he recalled recent events. “Although her attempt was unsuccessful, she did plant a seed of thought in my mind.”

Turning to face Tav directly, Astarion’s gaze bore into hers. “We could amass an army of our own kind, create more like us, and crush any mortal foolish enough to oppose our rule. The legacy of House Ancunin shall be one of power and dominance.”

Tav bit her lip and averted her gaze from him. She knew he was set on this but that woman. Something didn't feel right about her, "More like us...? I don’t want there to be anyone else. I want it to be just me and you, not create another house of spawns!”

Tav could feel Astarion's gaze on her. Admittedly, her possessiveness over him touched him for a brief moment.

Tav instantly tried to justify herself, "Look at Cazador's downfall. I don't want you to end up like him, I only worry for you Astarion..."

He snapped quickly, "I am NOT Cazador. I am better than him."

Tav scuffed, “Bend, break, and manipulate all the petty royals you want, but I will not share my home with any spawn.”

Astarion rolled his eyes, "You’re quite set on this aren’t you?" He walked up to Tav, challenging her with eyes like daggers, "You do know, your future is mine to control."

"You are mine. Aeterna Amantes - Lovers forever, until the world falls down." his fingers traced her jawline while his eyes burned into hers.

Astarion’s words were tainted with ownership and control. It was not a promise of equal love, but a statement of possession, "If I wanted to burn this world to the ground, make everyone kneel at my feet, you will be there by my side.”

The tingle of his soft touch grazed her jaw, opposite to his tainted words.

She stared at him with hurt in her eyes...How unbelievable, this was not the person Tav thought he was. "Is this all you care about - Power? What about us?" Tav took a couple steps away from him, shaking her head. To think he would want anything more out of Tav now.

I want us to be happy.

I want it all. I want to travel the world. I want a family, not a dictatorship.

Did I make a mistake?

“You already possess everything, yet you fail to recognize it!” Tav yelled, watching as Astarion’s chest rose and fell with frustration.

Astarion sighed in annoyance. How could she be so foolish and not understand the endless possibilities?

"It's not enough! I will not be that weak spawn I once was," Astarion got closer to Tav with each syllable he harshly spat.

Tav took a step back, her eyes wide with realization.

"I'll...never be enough for you. You will never be...the Astarion I met when he had nothing, only love to give me." Her voice cracked with hurt and anger.

Tav gestured towards him with her eyes glossed in hurt, "And look at you now."

Astarion puffed his chest out, his eyes gleaming with pride. “I am a vampire ascendant. I am powerful.”

Tav shook her head, “No, Astarion. I just want you to respect my opinions too as your consort! You are not Cazador. And I will not become like you.”

His eyes flickered for a moment, softening to her statement. The way her words hit into him landed a little too close to home. For a moment, sympathy was in his stare.

It hurt him deeply. For her to stare at him the way he used to stare at Cazador.

Tav was enough.

Tav’s hands dropped to her sides in defeat. The tears in her eyes threatened to fall but she tried to stay strong. Tav didn't want to be weak in front of him. She started to storm off from Astarion, but he quickly questioned her with desperation.

Astarion’s voice cracked with hurt suddenly, "Where are you going?" His chest felt like it was collapsing in with furrowed brows.

“Out.” She pushed past Astarion, her face flushed a deep red with boiling anger.

Astarion’s breath hitched, his anger starting to rise with grief. How could she...How dare she?

The atmosphere in the room shifted instantly as he yelled out to Tav, grasping her arm and pulling her back towards him. “WHERE THE HELLS ARE YOU GOING?”

Tav stumbled over her feet, attempting to break free from Astarion’s grasp. This frightened her...she'd never seen him like this before.

Tav cried out, ripping her arm away and breaking free from his hold. “Stop it!”

She couldn’t leave. She belonged to him. The thought of Tav walking away tore at him, constricting his throat and leaving him gasping for air. His lungs ripped out Tav’s name repeatedly.

“You can’t leave me!” Astarion's eyes went wet with rage.

The room went dizzy for Astarion. The reality of his actions started to weigh heavy at that moment. His head was running a thousand miles away to a dark place.

Don't go.

Don't leave me alone with myself.

He followed sternly after Tav, quickly reaching out for her wrist.

I need you.

Please.

Suddenly, something within Tav seemed to snap, and her eyes glowed into a deep yellow. Her druid form took over her body, taking on an animalistic appearance with claws extending from her fingertips.

In one swift motion, Tav’s hand swiped back through the air, perfectly connecting with Astarion’s face. He released her wrist immediately.

He clutched his own face with a pained groan. Astarion looked down at his bloodied palm in shock and disbelief. She scratched me.

Tav’s eyes instantly reverted back to their pale white, and she gasped at the sight of what she had just done. Her stomach knotted when she trailed the droplets of blood drip off his jaw.

She blinked repeatedly, trying to come to the reality of what just happened.

Tav reached out her hand to Astarion, "I -...Oh gods, Astarion I'm s-so..." Astarion cut Tav off and recoiled in anger and disbelief.

He stared at her coldly and menacing, causing Tav to shrink back in fear.

“Go,” Astarion growled through gritted teeth, averting his gaze from her. “Get out of my sight.”

Without a word more Tav sniffled and walked out of the room with tears running down her face.

Fuck.

Tav didn't mean to hurt him. She wasn't even sure what had just taken over her, she was never violent like that on a whim. This wasn't like herself at all.

She ran out of the palace, aimlessly walking around the city in the dead of night. The tears stained her skin wet and in the back of her mind, she thought of Ross.

She remembered what he had told her: "If you’re ever looking for someone to talk to back home, I’m always at the Blushing Mermaid."

Tav sniffled and wiped her tears with her sleeve. Maybe she could confide in someone...

~

Tav made her way to the Blushing Mermaid, and before she could even walk inside, she could smell the strong scent of alcohol. She recoiled in her stomach, that terrible smell of drunk people. Eck.

She opened the doors, and Gods the smell was even worse. But it was very lively, singing, dancing, yelling, and loud music being played by a nearby band.

Tav sank onto a barstool, her gaze wandering aimlessly across the crowded room. The bartender, an older man, caught sight of her weary expression and slid a drink her way. "You look like you need this more than I do," he said.

Grateful, Tav clasped the glass, offering a nod of appreciation before taking a sip.

Just as the fiery liquid burned its way down her throat, a pair of hands landed gently on her shoulders. Tav turned, finding Ross settling into the seat beside her. A warm smile spread across his face. "Hey, Tav! I knew that was you," he greeted with genuine delight.

But as his eyes fell on her red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, his smile faded. "What happened?" He tilted his face with concern.

Embarrassment washed over Tav, and she lowered her head in shame, a self-deprecating chuckle escaping her lips. "Just got into a fight with Astarion...I feel terrible," she admitted with regret. Ross's frown deepened as he listened intently, his eyes fixed on her every word.

He half-smiled, "Do you want to talk about it? We can get out of here. It's a little too loud right now." Standing up, he extended his hand towards Tav.

She hesitated for a moment before accepting his offer, feeling the touch of his hand under hers. But his kindness was comforting.

"I know a good spot." Ross softly let go of her hand and they walked silently to the docks of the shore. Their shoes clicked and echoed under the wood of the docks and Ross took a deep breath of the salty air, "Now tell me - why the tears?"

Tav bit down on her lips and crossed her arms in a self-hug, "I accidentally scratched him in the face...and made him bleed."

"What? Now why would you do that?"

"He grabbed my wrist and...ah...fuck - I don't know what came over me."

"Wait, wait -" His eyes narrowed in confusion and anger, "Why was he grabbing you in the first place?" he clicked his tongue in dispute.

Tav shook her head over and over, "I was trying to leave and he didn't want me to go."

Ross became passionate at the moment and raised his voice, "So?! No one should be putting their hands on you like that. That's really possessive, don't you think?"

Tav felt defeated and she went to wipe a single tear that fell from her eyes. He was right and hearing the truth made it sting even more.

Tav ran her fingers threw her locs and lifted her hair in a ponytail, gripping her scalp as a stress reliever. Just as Tav heaved out a stressful sigh Ross went uncharacteristically silent.

When she turned her head, Ross had been staring at her with wide eyes, his mouth slightly a gap.

"Oh no..." He whispered into the air as he approached Tav closer.

Her heart skipped a beat, and the warmth of his hand fell on her chin, pulling her face to the side. His eyes glared at the bite marks that scared Tav's skin.

Ross wetted his lips and softly spoke, "Did he do this to you...?"

Tav averted her eyes and stepped away, breaking their contact. She turned her back and hid her scars with her thick hair. Her fingers nervously brushed down the strands.

"Tav - are you a vampire?" Ross sounded dumbfounded, maybe even disappointed.

"I don't need your disappointment too."

Ross scoffed and shook his head, pressing his thumbs firmly on the bridge of his nose, "I'm just surprised. I didn't think your relationship with him went that far." Tav was right. He was disappointed, this was vital information his sister would definitely want to hear...but he didn't feel right about it.

He pitied Tav.

"He's a monster." Ross sneered to himself.

Tav quickly turned her head, and her demeanor quickly became defensive, "He’s not a monster he’s just hurt!" Tav snapped at Ross and just as she had quickly defended Astarion, her attitude simmered back down, not meaning to yell at her friend like that.

Her head pounded with overwhelming feelings. Things between her and Astarion changed when he ascended and it was boiling to a breaking point for Tav.

She whispered out, her voice cracking and barely audible, "All that pain...It changed him into something he's not."

When she faced Ross straight on, the tears on her cheeks sparkled against the moonlight, "Is it my fault?"

Ross shook his head and placed his hand on her shoulder, stroking it to calm her, "Don’t blame yourself…"

Tav held her breath, her body became timid and shaky, "He's just so full of hurt and I don't know how to get through to him."

Ross scrunched his lips to the side in a furrow and eyed her wet face, "If he is smart, he'd apologize for treating you like an object."

She buried her face between her hands, sobbing as she sank to the floor and held her knees.

Ross knelt down on the floor and gently placed a hand on her back, rubbing her in comfort.

As Tav's cries subsided into sniffles, Ross let out a sigh, "Did you eat anything yet? We can go grab a bite. Get your mind off of things."

Tav looked up at him, her eyes red and tearful, her expression questioning his proposal, "Food isn't going to fill me right now...If you understand."

Ross covered her neck with his hands, "Well this neck is off limits." He teased her and stuck out his tongue.

Tav chuckled a fangy smile and wiped away old tears, "Don't worry," she replied, her voice tinged with playful sarcasm. "I'll save your neck for another day."

"So what do you do for blood then?" He became questionable, trying to figure it out in his head.

"Animals, whatever I can get."

"How about we go hunting outside the walls?" Ross suggested. But Tav felt hesitant, her mind still clouded with sadness.

"The night is young. Plus, I'm kinda curious to see you hunt for something.” He rested his chin into his palm, “Want to see what all that hype was about."

At that moment, she trusted Ross to guide her through this time of sorrow. She saw him as a friend, and an outlet to grow a bond outside of her relationship. A healthy social life.

But then again, Tav could just imagine the look on Astarion's face if he knew about this. Even if it was harmless, she would definitely be punished.

What if he punishes me either way?

Ross snapped Tav out of her thoughts, "If you wish to keep degrading yourself, I'll leave you to it." he stated firmly, his hands slipping into his pockets as he turned to walk away from her.

In a moment of defiance, Tav stood tall and took in a deep breath, "Lead the way."

Ross paused in his steps, surprised by Tav’s response. He turned back to face her, studying her for a moment before nodding slightly. Without a word, he gestured for her to follow as he began walking again.

Next part here

Any thoughts? Comment 👇🏼 I love to engage!

Drama and TRAUMA. Baby Astarion, he’s just deeply rooted in hurt. But let’s build up some relationships between characters, shall we? 😌

[awesomechocolatesauce]

Astarion: "Look, I had a plan--a nice, simple plan. Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you'll never turn on me. It was easy... instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in. All you had to do... was fall for it. And all I had to do was not fall for you.... Which is where my nice, simple plan...fell apart. You... you're incredible. You deserve something real. I want us...to be something real."

Elayne: "So do I. More than anything."

Astarion: "I just don't know what 'real' looks like. Not after two hundred years playing the rake."

Astarion: "Being close to someone -- any kind of intimacy -- was something I performed to lure people back for HIM. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels... tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing. I don't know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I'd like to."

---

I've been meaning to share these screenshots from my favorite love confession of his for a while. I know some people prefer the other after you meet Araj, but I prefer this one because I think it feels more... I don't know, genuine? Like he says he really wants to be with you, and he sounds like he's on the verge of tears from doing so, but he's letting you know that because of his trauma, he really doesn't know how to actually be with someone.

I've seen some people say that he doesn't actually want sex, but I disagree. I believe he wants it, but because of his trauma, he has a problem enjoying it fully and he disassociates. If you ask him here "So our nights together didn't mean anything?" he will say "Of course they did! That's the problem, or part of it."

The nights they've spent together did mean something to him, but he still feels disgusted afterwards because he was forced to use it for malicious purposes for centuries and it's hard to associate it with anything else. He needs time to figure out what it is that he actually wants and how sex fits into their relationship.

Much later, in the graveyard scene, confirms this for me.

"If a night of passion is on offer, I...can be persuaded." He brings up the subject again and the tone suggests he doesn't actually need any persuading. All you need to say is "Sounds good to me" without passing any persuasion checks and he happily goes through with it.

"Being with you is about more than lust or manipulating you into a tactical alliance. I love you. I love this. And I want it all." He wants you. In EVERY sense of the word.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. 💕

[apocalypseornaw]

You Belong Here

Part 2 to Where do I Belong?

There was one thing Dean had always admired about you during the early years of knowing each other. You had the ability to completely fall off the map if you felt the urge. At a time only Bobby would be able to find you but now years later with more practice under your belt? Finding a trace of you was damn near impossible.

Set between Lily Sunders Has Some Regrets & Regarding Dean

Mary was gone. She'd said she needed to "Figure out her life" Dean knew the real reason she'd left, so did Sam. Dean couldn't look at his own mother without anger spilling into his gut. You left because of her.

The fight the two had was bad enough that Sam came to the shocking realization that Dean didn't have John's temper, his was more along the line of Mary's.

"I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did Dean! I know you care about Y/N. It's just I'd drank a little, I've heard enough bits and pieces to know something happened between her and Sam then the two of you get hurt on a hunt?" Dean's jaw clenched tightly at her words as he pushed off from where he'd been leaning against the wall "Three of us"

"What?" Mary asked before Dean continued "The three of us got hurt. Yeah my ribs were broke, Sam got slashed but you didn't notice she was limping? Her hip got slammed out of place taking a blow meant for me, her entire upper back was damn near ribbons helping Sam to his feet. You don't know her, you don't know what she's endured to be at my side. I could search every damn world there is and not find another woman like her. She's been in the life since she was eight, she's been in OUR lives since she was twelve"

"So you're telling me it doesn't ever bother you that she slept with your brother?" Mary pushed and it was then Sam moved to be between her and Dean.

The calmness in Dean's voice as he spoke worried Sam more than anger. He was doing what he always did, shutting down emotions in favor of not facing them. "I died in her arms. She loves me and I died in her arms. The next time she sees me alive, I'm a demon fucking some waitress in a video. Yeah she turned to Sam for comfort, someone she'd known most of her life and was safe with. The only thing that bothers me was the woman I love was put into that position where she was in so much pain. I'm sick of her feeling guilt for it and I'm so sick of other sons of a bitches making her feel guilt for it. I know where I stand with her. Sam knows where he stands with her.She's fought for us, she's died for us. No one has ever been at our side like she has. I don't give a damn if you're my mother, you won't stand here and try to undermine Sam's friendship with her or my relationship with her"

Mary had left long not after that. Dean found himself wishing he could care but John had fed them stories of their mother, tainted memories of a marriage and a woman that was far from perfect. He loved her, yeah of course he did but you weren't at his side because of her.

If he could just talk to you, get face to face he knew he could get you home. One of the many reasons he loved you was that stubborn streak you had. The stubborn streak that made you show up to fight Lucifer, that gave you the sheer will more than once to push yourself to your feet and continue a fight. Now that stubborn streak was working against him. You'd set it in that beautiful head of yours that he was better off without you. Now was his turn to chase you down and make you see beyond any sort of self doubt you had.

If only he could find you. He was losing his damn mind, memories flashing of the last time you'd went radio silent. Amara had driven you out of his arms then, making you doubt the love between the two of you. She'd driven you away from the bunker and from the safety in numbers. He'd nearly lost you.

When Sam and Donatello found you and Lucifer...it'd taken Chuck nearly an hour to coax you into letting him heal you. You'd been more broken than he could remember. For days you'd flinched at the sound of his voice, the sound of Sam's. Rowena had finally broken through to you. He couldn't lose you. He closed his eyes letting the worse scenarios over power him. How was he supposed to face the never ending fight that was the life of a hunter without you?

----------

If he thought about it the biggest moments of his and Sam's lives you were there for most of them. You and Sam got your license around the same time, you'd gotten your ged a month after Sam graduated. The years Sam had gone to Stanford Dean had looked forward to bumping into you on the road because you were one of the very few he'd always considered a friend.

The line between friend and more had faded gradually. Now? He knew you made him a better man, he could see a future for himself. Some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

----------

"Dean!" Sam's voice cut through the thick silence of the bunker. Dean was on his feet without a word, meeting his brother in the library. "What is it Sammy?"

Sam smiled as he held up his phone "I think I found her but we gotta move fast before she goes off grid again"

"Asshole" you grunted, rolling the last of the ghouls onto the pyre. Why had it been your luck to find a damn herd of them? The most you'd ever seen together was two. Reminded you of the creature features you'd seen way back when Eve had cracked the world open and popped out.

You touched the cut on your cheek and a hiss of pain escaped you. They'd put up one helluva fight, the damn flamethrower you hadn't realized Dean had left in your jeep until two weeks after you'd left had come in handy. A sad smile slipped onto your face at the thought that even with not being at his side Dean was still protecting you as best as he could.

There was a first aid kit back in the cabin you were staying in. You could patch yourself up after you cleaned up the scene.

----------

After the flames died down to just a few embers you cooled them with the jug of water you carried in your backseat then scooped the ashes into a shallow hole.

There wasn't nothing else to do but go back to the cabin, get cleaned up and make an attempt at sleep. Even though your sleep patterns were once again as bad as they were in your late teens/early twenties.

You missed Dean, you missed the bunker. You missed your life. With a sigh you flopped down into your jeep turning the ignition and letting the engine roar to life.

The moment you pulled to a stop in front of the cabin you knew something was off. There was fresh tire tracks but no car.

You checked the knife in your waistband along with the gun at your lower back before climbing out of the jeep. Whoever or whatever it was better be up to a fight. You didn't feel like any bullshit.

------

The moment you stepped across the threshold into the cabin a hand grabbed your arm. You quickly slid under it, sending a kick to your would be assailants knee but when you grabbed the arm to twist it behind them their voice hit your ear "Y/N...it's me!"

"Sam?" You asked in shock, reaching for the lightswitch. He grinned slowly getting to his feet "Shouldn't have spooked you" you shrugged one shoulder "Ya think? Wait what are you doing here? Shit where's Dean? Is he ok?" Fear gripped your heart in that moment until Sam grabbed your shoulder "Breathe! He's ok" he spotted your cheek and asked "are you?"

"Why are you here?" You pushed ignoring his concern but before he could open his mouth to answer a familiar rumble of an engine hit your ears "Just talk to him. He's confused as to why you left without talking to him. He's hurting. He needs you" you took a deep breath before nodding. You owed Dean an explanation. Sam half smiled "I'll make coffee. Whenever you two are through I'll be in here"

Dean didn't know if he should walk up on the porch or wait for you to come out. By now you'd probably damn near kicked Sam's ass if he spooked you.

While he was still considering a course of action the door opened and you stepped out, shutting it behind you.

"Y/N" the moment he spoke your name he saw the change in your demeanor. When you first stepped out your shoulders were set, eyes level with your surroundings but the moment he spoke he saw your shoulders sag slightly as if you'd let yourself relax simply hearing him.

You walked down the doorsteps and no words were spoken before he opened his arms and you crashed into them, wrapping your arms around his waist and burying your face in his chest. "I never meant to hurt you in anything Dean"

----------

You felt like you could breathe for the first time in weeks. Being in Dean's arms was home to you. "I'm sorry" you whispered against his chest. He kissed the top of your head and you felt him take a breath that wavered just slightly "You left me, again. How did you think that wouldn't hurt?"

You leaned back to look up at him and felt your heart clench at seeing tears in the corner of his eyes "Dean.." you tried but he spotted the cut across your cheek "You're hurt"

"Ghouls" you replied trying to ignore how fast your heart was beating. He reached for your hand "C'mon I'll patch you up" you let him lead you to the impala. He opened the backseat so you sat down while he grabbed the first aid kit out of the trunk.

You were silent as Dean worked, gently cleaning your cuts. "How many?" You could hear the anger mingled with fear in his voice. He hated when you hunted alone. "Five"

"God damn sweetheart" he mumbled just barely audible. Five. You'd taken on five Ghouls solo. What if something had gone wrong? He never would've known. He took a deep breath in an attempt to keep his hands steady. He was crouched in front of you just outside the door.

He motioned towards your shirt "Can I check you for any other damage?" You nodded your consent with a small smile "You don't have to ask permission to touch me Dean"

He bit back the words that wanted to tumble out. You'd left him alone. He'd gone to sleep curled up to you, a hand touching your stomach as he dozed off. Only to wake to an empty bed and a letter.

He lifted your shirt and let just his fingertips trail across the angry purple marks already forming on your skin. They'd tried to get at your spleen, that was apparent from the bruising over it. He touched across your ribs a bit firmer than everywhere else "Any pain beyond bruising?" You shook your head.

----------

You knew Dean better than yourself in some ways. You knew what was going through his head as he pulled your shirt up further, examining every inch of skin he could get access to. He was thinking in what ifs. He was probably imagining you dead, him not knowing.

When he asked you to lean up so he could look at your back you did as he asked, watching his face considering he'd pulled you into the position of basically laying on his shoulder "Dean, I'm ok I promise" "You'd be even better if we'd been with you. I don't know why you left, I don't know why you didn't believe in me...believe in us...I don't know why..." you cut him off by pressing a gentle kiss to the side of his neck. He closed his eyes, swallowing hard "That's not fair darling and you know it"

"Dean I love you" you knew that wouldn't help his feelings but it was the best you had. He turned to look at you,the close proximity driving the breathe out of you "I know that. I know you love me. That's what makes it worse. I've apparently been such a shit boyfriend that I haven't driven it into that beautiful head of yours just how much you mean to me"

"Dean you're not a shit boyfriend" you spoke and he scoffed "No. I've been needing to say this for weeks. I've been searching damn near constantly, barely sleeping. I'm gonna say this then you can say whatever you need to and we'll go from there" you nodded so he pulled your shirt back down into place and leaned you up so he could take both of your hands in one of his.

"You've been a constant in my life. You gave Sam a best friend as a kid that didn't get many chances to have any friends. You were there when Sam went to Stanford and I had no line of communication with him but you. When dad went missing you wasted no time offering to help us in any way. The only time I've seen you even come close to giving up was when we all three were contemplating it on that Croatoan case. You have kept going through so much shit that would've put a lesser person in the dirt. You're strong as hell, you're brave as hell. I've seen you stand toe to toe with Lucifer and not blink an eye at the father of murder. When you left, that note said you weren't sure where you belonged right?"

You nodded slowly so he reached for your hips, damn near pulling you into his lap "You belong here, in my arms. What happened with Sam? I am years past that. I know had the cards not fell like they had nothing like that would've ever happened. You two are best friends, I'd never try to take that from either of you because you two are more important than anything in the world to me. I get why you left with Amara and I get why you felt the need to leave now but unless you one day decide you don't love me anymore promise me here and now you'll trust me enough to talk to me if you're feeling lost"

You could feel tears threatening to spill from your eyes. "I could never stop loving you Dean. This is it for me" he smiled, leaning forward to catch your lips in a lingering kiss. When he pulled away he cupped your cheek with his hand, his thumb gently touching the cut "Then trust that I love you. And as far as you hurting my self preservation skills? They're better because of you, I pay more attention on hunts and take less chances because the thought of not coming home to you? I can't imagine it. I'm a better man and hunter for knowing you and loving you so please just come home. Whatever comes next we can handle it. We've made it through worse and we're still standing. We can make it through anything that gets thrown our way,just please come home"

"I've missed you" you finally managed to get out and the smile he gave you was enough to make your knees weak "I'm yours sweetheart. I always will be" you pulled him into a kiss taking just enough time to whisper against his lips "I'm not too hurt for this" he smiled against your lips at you seemingly reading his mind "Where's Sam?" "Inside until we get him"

He pulled away from the kiss then looked back towards the cabin "In that case scoot over so I can climb in and shut this door"

@globetrotter28 @deans-spinster-witch

[not-goldy]

PJM's lurking Jikook blogs, get off your fucking selfish asses and defend JM the right way, for once. WTF is wrong with y'all? Letting TKK and JK solos set Jimin up every day and harass him and you all sitting there with your thumbs up your asses like its not our problem if people hate Jikook. Bitch yes it is. Jk is part of Jimin's life. He made this choice to enlist with JK and the least you can do is help report those vile fuckers or take PJM's off your profile. I will never understand saying why would we support Jikook, when we hate JK. Umm because Jimin loves him and that alone should be enough to at least defend his bond and decisions he makes with JK, even if you hate JK. If you love Jimin, you have to respect his decisions, end of discussion. You don't have to like it, but as a fan you do have to respect it. You are no better then TKK and JK solos right now, in fact you are worse. Running around looking like the most hypocrite fanbase in this fandom, given that you have PJM in your profile & Jimin is the most bullied and harassed and you don't wanna get your hands dirty and go after the real problem. JK is not the problem. TKK and JK solos and Jikook antis are. As fans, what you do does reflect on Jimin and Jimin is such an amazing and good human and you taint that reputation for him, everytime you belittle a decision he makes, cause you hate JK.

PJM's solution. Fighting hate with hate, instead of defending. You people have lost it. Example: A TKK started thread about how Jimin is a predator and makes JK uncomfortable. Instead of PJM's biting their tongue and putting their hate aside for JK for 2 seconds & defend Jikook's bond, that JK doesn't make him uncomfortable and enlisted with Jimin on his own freewill, something this simple to say, they instead make a thread of JK making Jimin uncomfortable in retaliation and saying he is the one harassing and stalking Jimin. Yeah, that'll teach them not to disrespect Jimin any further. Fucking morons. You had one job, defend Jimin and you failed. Jimin doesn't need you to trash JK when he gets harassed, he needs you step up and defend his relationship with his bandmate and treat it with respect. PJM's talk their shit, Jimin only has PJM's. Looks to me like he doesn't have your support at all. I thought PJM's were better then this, but they are too selfish to do the right thing, cause their hate for JK, out weighs their love for Jimin. I am so disappointed in PJM's. I held them to a higher standard. You don't have to like Jikookers or JK, but you can stand alongside and agree to protect him. Fucking cowards, to much of pussies to stand up against TKK and JK solos. I don't even like you MF's personally, but I will glady stand with you to defend Jikook, cause I however, do love Jimin that much. GET THE FUCK UP OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING. Even if its a fucking email or supporting Jikook's show openly. Show them MF's they won't win.

The brain damage of them coming to spaces where both Jimin and Jungkook are loved to create unnecessary drama make enemies out of JM lovers- wish they would go bother Tuktukkers and pick fights with other solos and leave us the fuck alone.

When Jimin comes back I'm snitching on them fr

[void-botanist]

❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️ ill stop now but know that i will just keep going

My favorite thing is that according to my notifications you asked me nothing at all:

but that's 14 hearts so let's goooooo

From AOM:

1 - Celia and Sid's relationship. Of course Sid's best friend is her brother, Horatio, but they've always been friends. I realized recently that the letters Sid returned to most often would have been Celia's, because she would draw him goofy pictures. She draws him a new one in AOM to replace the ones he lost. And also they're both sluts and she is his guide to Tobarsha cruising and nightlife.

2 - Leon's nicknames! I haven't made use of these yet but he has nicknames for every important person in his life. His wife Edith has the most, because he has at least one for all of her many genders, but he most often calls her Scarecrow or just Ed. Horatio and Celia (his kids) are Sunflower and Lucky Penny, and Avis is Garnet. Sorian started out as Ghost but post-AOM he gets a new nickname, Songbird. Sid will get a nickname when he arrives in AOM (he previously didn't have one because Leon didn't wanna get strongarmed into having to give Sid's parents nicknames).

3 - Sid's parents lmao. I mean they suck, that's the point, they're loosely based on my shitty parents, but their dynamic and their problems are SO crunchy to me. Donovan's self-esteem is in the trash but he very much resents the way Emma treats him as a tool, and Emma desperately wants to be good and important and special but no one wants to give that to her, why is she always a disappointment, and she's making it everyone else's problem.

4 - on a similar note I love how much Avis and Sorian are fucked and it's so complicated and one of the things that hurts the most is all of the little things that they remember about each other. He's been perfecting his gingerbread recipe so it's exactly the way she would love it. She misses the soft way he used to sing around the house, like a cat purring. Even if it all seems tainted now, they were happily married for some 23 years, and that doesn't just vanish.

5 - I made Antony, Avis's best friend, on a whim. At first he was just a name drop of some friend Sorian used to have a crush on, but then I said, he can be more than that. And he is one of the important minor characters in AOM, partly as a setup for the sequel where he plays a much bigger role. But I adore the way he and Avis banter. He knows her too well, and he might be the only person she knows who isn't afraid of being vulnerable with people. But also he just wants to tease her about how she's a dumbass and I think that's so right and good.

6 - how Horatio's just a warm and calculating little weirdo. Everyone loves him. He's such a ray of sunshine, and so genuinely kind. And yet he spends the entire story just like real quick stepping out to do work, because he can't pull himself away from his job, to the point that he will put off his own birthday trip to see his grandparents because, well, he's busy, you know? He'll get there soon. Staying in Sorian and Avis's old house doesn't bother him at all, despite the fact that he feels irrationally guilty for "causing" the end of their marriage. People sometimes think he's straightforward and innocent, but to be honest that just makes it easier for him to lie. Don't even get me started on his kinks--

From Nicea:

7 - Fabian. He is my chew toy. But I also love how since old canon he's evolved from just an asshole to still kind of an asshole, but in a way that's understandable and not just cruel, but also still annoying. He actually gets to have complex relationships with people other than Spinder. He has a best friend now, Darnell, who makes a brief appearance in Nicea, and later he ends up forming something of a duet with Isabel, despite all of his complicated feelings about how he permanently plays second fiddle to her in life. There have been a lot of ripple-out effects from the way he's been determined to have Spinder one way or another. Also he is a UFO believer and I think that's cute.

8 - Martin's leaning. Yes, he leans on stuff too much on the page. But the thing is, if he was a real guy, he'd be doing that constantly. He's six foot something with the physical attitude of a beanstalk. Do you know how many different ways there are to lean on or in a doorway? Martin does.

9 - Spinder and Isabel. It seems almost too obvious to say, since I made Nicea first and foremost so I could have them on the page again. They are The couple to me. In old canon I wrote an entire novel about their romance. It was not a good novel. But I love them that much. In current canon they get to also be highly established friends -> lovers -> romantic partners, which is everything to me. Their chemistry as friends is incredible, and it carries over to everything else. And yet they're both afraid to speak of their romantic feelings! ugh!

10 - Rodney. He's got a lot of fun moments in Nicea, even with things that are not life and death, like being the guy who gives everyone manicures. He's a goth who loves sweaters and knows what he's about, i.e. he has it all. But what he really wants is to be needed. He needs to be the one who makes everything okay. He's not okay if he's not integral. And unfortunately he has made himself integral to Declan, the guy who no longer needs him in the same way once he gets his husband back. I can't wait to explore all that on the page (and have Nicea 2 be significantly about Rodney) but also I'm just so glad Rodney gets to be complex, finally, instead of just being the one sibling who got to skip being Traumatized TM because he was just such a good and pure boy, like in old canon.

11 - they don't even show up on the page in Nicea, but Neb and Oran, Martin's kids (this makes them Cady & Declan's nephews and technically Spinder's great-nephews). They're college-age twins and they're such a delight. They annoy everybody! They do it on purpose! They're always up to shenanigans! They're taking up their parents' magicrafts! They're basically what happens when the annoying brothers from some kids' TV show grow up and refine their methods. Declan is concerned that they're going to think he likes one of them more, even though obviously he does, and they know this.

12 - I feel like I've only scratched the surface of this on the page, but Rodney and Isabel's ride or die siblinghood and the way Spinder is also kind of Rodney's older brother already. Isabel has always been trying to protect Rodney from anything, but this super intensified when their parents got divorced. That was also when Rodney realized that Isabel and their mom obviously needed his protection too, at least on an emotional level, and he became the guy who needs everything to be harmonious, and if that means he has to carry the weight of the world by himself, so be it.

13 - Likewise, Tristan and Gil's relationship. There's still a lot of depth there that I haven't discovered yet, but I love them a lot. They're butch4butch ballroom dancers! They have a wedding scheduled and they're saving up to adopt a kid! Gil is kinda really upset that Tristan is going on this trip to save Cady, because it's dangerous and Tristan might miss her own wedding and isn't she supposed to be pulling back on this line of work, but she's trying not to make a whole thing about it, because she knows she can't stop Tristan and she doesn't want them to part with resentment. And Tristan is so sad about it, but she goes anyway, and regrets going on this trip halfway through, but she still has to see it through.

And! the extended universe of Leon's family:

14 - in old canon, Meredith Murian was sort of a Kim Possible type figure, always involved in some nonsense matter that made more work for her dear friend Horatio of the faery police. I am very pleased that despite all the canon changes (she and Horatio are now adoptive cousins, in fact, and Horatio is of course not a cop) that she is still an action hero type, traveling the galaxy to find appropriate records for the Murian Library & Archives. I've always thought she was really cool and she's still really cool.

Nicea taglist: @kahvilahuhut @kk7-rbs @outpost51 @writernopal @athenswrites

Soravis taglist: @vacantgodling @athenswrites @kk7-rbs

[neeterloveschenford]

More Thoughts on Tim Bradford

Woo boy! Are we going through it right now fam! I know that there has been a lot of discourse and negativity about Tim breaking up with Lucy last night. And while I truly believe that everyone's thoughts and feelings are valid, I'd like to put mine out there into the void on why I'm going to stand by both my boos even if I feel like the rug got pulled out from under me last night. So here we go......

The thing is, I get where Tim is coming from. Real talk here, my late teens and early twenties I was a mess. While I never went through what Tim went through when he was in the military, I understand that self-loathing he has struggled with for so long. I came from an abusive and neglectful family and still bear those emotional scars. I acted out and rebelled and did things I am not proud of. My family ended up intervening and my aunt and uncle took me to Arkansas to live with them. And then spent over a decade reminding me at every turn how big of a screw up I was. I remember thinking that I would never become a better person and that I was tainted for the rest of my life. Several years after I moved there I decided I wanted to get involved with the girl's ministry at my church and went to my pastor. I told him that despite all of the missteps I had made in the past, I wanted to become more involved with the program and hoped that he could look past the things I had done. My pastor was floored that I thought those things about me. He had actually been thinking about asking me if I was willing to become the director of the program. I had never had anyone make me feel like I was a good person before. It was life-changing. I began to believe that maybe I wasn't an epic failure. I ran that program for two years and during that time I re-connected with my family in Oklahoma. My mother and I had never had a real relationship and after we re-connected she told me she was proud of me. I eventually moved back home and now am quite happy with my life. But it took a really long time and a lot of self-reflection before I got to this point. And honestly I still have my days where I just feel like I'm still that messed up girl. But I have a support system with my mom, my step-dad, and my sisters that reminds me that I am worth it and that I am loved.

So I totally get where Tim is coming from. I don't know how many romantic relationships and friendships I tanked because I thought the other person was too good for me. Tim hates himself for putting his pride in his career first. He believes that his men died because of him. Because he wanted to protect his career and his reputation as a leader. He feels like Lucy is this good and honest person who would never put anyone else at risk to further something as small as a career. I mean she put her own career at risk just to help his. He thinks that her love for him will be her undoing because Tim doesn't believe he is worth the effort. God, it's breaking my heart just thinking about it. Of course, he's wrong. Lucy loves him so much that I think this will almost break her. But he has to realize his own value and worth. He will never get there unless he pushes forward and realizes how much the people in his life love and respect him.

And Lucy's not wrong to be angry at him. He is supposed to be her partner and he is, once again, making all the big decisions in the relationship. He decided that he's not what she needs in her life. While we have seen time after time that he is all that she needs. Tim needs to realize that Lucy's love is different from every other person that has ever loved him. It's unconditional. She doesn't care about his past mistakes. She loves him no matter what and believes he is the best man she knows. I know that one day he's going to have that ah ha moment like I did and see that his past doesn't define his future and he doesn't have to pay for his mistakes for the rest of his life.

Tim also reminds me of two of my all-time favorite characters from the last two fandoms I participated in on Tumblr. Oliver Queen from Arrow and Michael Guerin from Roswell New Mexico. They were both extremely flawed men that finally realized that they deserved their happily ever afters with the loves of their lives. But the people they loved helped them realize just how precious their lives really were. And guess what? Both Oliver and Felicity and Michael and Alex broke up. But they found their way back to each other and got their happily ever afters. So don't give up the faith my friends. Chenford is going to find their way back to each other. I refuse to believe they are any thing other than endgame.

[panda-puma]

(I am sorry in advance, because you unlocked a ramble I've had in me since I saw Zoro and realised that Oda looked at the Cool Manga Dude Archetype and said "no" and made our Mossball capable of wide, wide smiles (which are apparently lost post-timeskip but that I ignore, I am not looking, I am still pre-timeskip, I am soaking every smile and grin) 300+ chapters in and I still am riding the high of love at first sight, when it comes to OP. one day I might find flaws but for now it is perfection incarnate 😂😂😂)

aw, it's sad hearing how the anime kills characterizations. especially with core characters. Nami disgusted by Sanji!? c'mon, why would you do that, anime-writers 😭

to taint any relationship in OP, where the relationships are what makes it such a good read 😭

it's true that when Sanji gets more spicy, what makes his reaction tolerable is how the girls just shrug it off. they care not! they feel safe around him! Nami pranced around him in bikini, and our boy was more interested at first in flowers 😭

thank you so much for movie recommendations! ❤❤❤

I absolutely adore the story and the characters! and the writing! I've cried like a baby while reading OP more times than I've had while consuming any other media. it just hits you in the heart with sniper accuracy ❤😭 and then makes you cackle like a witch. rinse and repeat. i love it.

(reactions still dictated by the story up to the very start of Impel Down) I'm still trying to fully put my finger on what exactly makes me love OP that much but I think that what gets is how much trust there is between the characters. how easy they love each other. (Zoro and Luffy? dear god, they are so good. 100% trust.) and how silly they can get. It's rare that I love absolutely everybody, yet here I am: I'm collecting my silly little boys and girls like pokemon. I will catch em all. gimme more.

I cannot get enough how emotive the characters are. when they smile it lits up the sky. when they cry I cry with them. when they goof off I watch them fondly but when shit hits the fan, I read with baited breath how my silly little goobers get serious. there is a whole rainbow of emotions and I adore it.

(Sorry for taking so long to answer! this month went by extremely fast ;v;UUu if i take too long to reply you can talk to me privately too, i don't mind!)

Don't apologize for passionately loving things! It's the best way of living! ❤

Oda writes characters so well, that even in their comical exaggeration, still feel like real people to me. Everything is for a reason, even the dumbness (that i absolutely love xD it's just amazing to me that even that has its reasons and wraps so well with everything)

And yes, sadly the Anime really kills characterization... Nami and Sanji's relationship is completely changed. They are not really friends in the Anime. Nami is not kind, ever, and Sanji is just interested in her as a sexy object. They are not friendly with each other... when in the Manga is obvious that they are friendly and chill most of the time.

Sanji adores her, yes, but in the Manga he is not just there to be her slave and please her. He has dreams and a beautiful relationship with Luffy too, something that the Anime decides to completely erase from existence...

The Anime transforms all the characters into one note (the one that they decide is funny for children or to sell merch): Nami is the girl who only screams and hits the others, Sanji is just the pervert idiot who fights all the time, Luffy is just an ugly goofball with nothing between his ears, Zoro is serious guy who is the comical relief and screams all the time, Chopper is a baby, Robin is a mysterious woman (who gets jealous of Chopper paying attention to other women)... etc etc etc

They are so reduced to this roles, that when something they can not edit out of the original story (because it's an pivot point in the story) happens, it even looks out of character!

Of course a lot of this is also amped up by the amount of continuous filler the Anime has, where they just butcher the characters even more...

It's a lot of work and as you see I am a slow writer xDu but I really want to get deeper into writing about how the differences matter a lot.

I hope you've continued with your reading and have even more to share! OvO please feel free to talk to me again

Again: very sorry for taking so long to answer ;v;U my audhd threw me off everything very hard this past month

And finally I don't really agree with what people say about Zoro losing his smile post time-skip... at least in the Manga! The Anime can look like he doesn't smile so much anymore, i guess...

I feel like Zoro's default expression is calmer after the time-skip ^^ you can see how he is not frowning all the time like before, and he still has his cool smiles!

Beware a bit of Spoiler ahead!

Have some non-very-spoilerish images of him smiling post-time skip, just in the first arc post time-skip:

[ohsayit]

A little thought about AA and how he uses his own body

Not everyone the spawn brought back to Caz was a love/sex victim. Can't remember the name but one of the ladies took children in.

So here is how I think Astarion started his conquest.

Caz, an acquaintance from his business dealings, appeared at a very convenient timing (beaten to near death by the Gurs) to offer help. At the time, Astarion wanted revenge and probably thought he would stay as Caz's "acquaintance" of some sort.

How wrong was he.

Astarion is a very self centered character and values himself a lot. He wouldn't take orders just because Caz gave it. Hence the "education"/torture/break in from Caz.

When Astarion was finally out and about to start doing his job, whatever connection and influence he had in his mortal days were probably weakened or vanished. Also he would be freshly traumatised. All he had was himself.

To bring people back without raising questions, he would have to go with people who wouldn't be missed and seemingly had it coming. He was not there to have a real relationship. To snatch people, the promise of a night of passion or fun would be the most efficient and straight forward.

Consider all the stats a character can have in the game. The poor thing only has 8 STR. And with his beauty at his disposal, that's the quickest and easiest.

With legs open, his or others, his job got done. Not that he absolutely can't lure people in other ways, but when he was given the absolute advantage of his looks, why choose the difficult and non fail proof way?

And my guess would also be, at the start, he also wanted some comfort in the flesh, distraction, or a moment of escape. However, not every mark is to his liking. Caz's command stood and so as his job. At the end, he just didn't care. He didn't have the luxury to.

Finally, this takes me to why I write this post. Lollllll

Question I saw was: would AA be open to carnal pleasure with people/bodies other than player?

I think my answer is: this is again, ironically, up to the player. Just like if he gets to ascend or not.

It is down to how the player would deal with such history.

Personally, I don't think he would. He had had more than enough of flesh before. IIRC, he doesn't need to do any checks in the Haarlep sex scene, that says to me he is on that level of sexy things lolll. When he had no need for that, it's a leisure, even luxury thing to do. While he could perform perfectly, he said it in Act 2 that it felt tainted. To actually enjoy it takes time and effort. It's luxury.

He values himself so much. I can't imagine him throwing his precious ass at random people. Also, my posessive Tav wouldn't help with that either lol cuck is just not my thing.

On the other hand, becoming hypersexual (sorry I am not certain about the word but I presume you know what I mean) as a response is also common. In that case, he is free to do that on one condition: bodies he sampled on doesn't get to see the sun next day. He is so going to enjoy my Tav's jealousy and tolerance (albeit reluctant and dismay), as his bastard self. He may even occasionally do that just to feel Tav spoiling him in her own way: let him enjoy himself or do as he pleased because she wants to let him. Carnal pleasure comes second. We all know he loves it when Tav cares for him.

And both responses are rooted in a conversation I had before: the poor thing only had Caz for so long. Without Caz, he really doesn't know what to do with himself. Part of the obsession for Tav is built on that. Tav is a Caz replacement or place filler to an extent. The poor thing really needs a Tav that is his and for him alone. 💔 my heart aches so bad.

[maratethered]

BLADE & SHIPS, a comprehensive guide.

NOTE: this is my personal take on the ships/dynamics I like for him. If we write any of these, it doesn't have to be exactly the same (it doesn't even have to be a ship, but this is me letting you know that I ship the hell out of it in case you do too). Each of these can be written as a ship, or it can be platonic. I won't automatically assume anything unless we talk about it first.

To get the elephant out of the room first — the current state of him doesn't leave much space for an actual functional relationship for two reasons: one – he's too mentally and physically damaged to be able to feel something real, two – he has one desire and one desire only, that is to die for good. No matter how much he cares about someone in his limited capacity, his case is too complicated, his mind is set on it, nothing will be able to change that. The pain, the exhaustion, there's simply no way he'd ever be able to 'regain passion for living' and it's just something that's always gonna be out there.

Another little thing – he doesn't like being touched. That's not to say he never allows it, he does, when it's someone he trusts (which is like... two people), but after the whole Jingliu ordeal his body looks like an abstract study in scars and that's... a thing he's not particularly happy about. It's not about expecting pain from any kind of touch, he's pretty indifferent to pain, and it's not a body image issue – he sees himself for what he's been turned into, an abomination of abundance, something unnatural and undead, so he doesn't feel at home in his own body, that's about the root of it.

JING YUAN: a weird combination of longing, comfort and confusion. Blade doesn't remember much, but somehow he finds the general's company soothing in a natural way, unlike Kafka's (we'll get to that part). Yingxing had a lot of love and respect for the man back in the day, he trusted him, and some part of him knows that he can still trust him (since you know, Jing Yuan seems to be the only one crossed out on his to-kill list). But there might still be some underlying bitterness there because JY didn't do anything, but he also didn't do anything. It's probably the only ship that can remain somewhat functional if it's slowly rebuilt. In the past verse it's just comforting and warm.

DAN HENG / IMBIBITOR LUNAE: I still don't really know what to do with this mess tbh. Past verse? They'd be inseparable, tons of adoration going both ways because who could resist the temptation that is IL? Not Yingxing. But at this point, Dan Heng isn't him, one day Blade might finally understand it, and whatever there used to be is tainted by hatred and desire for revenge. There's still a part of him that yearns for the man IL once was, but that man is gone forever (and so is Yingxing), so there's nothing but anger and wreckage.

KAFKA: I can hardly see a proper romantic ship here, unless... It's either purely platonic or they're just having fun with each other to kill the time and unwind after a mission (or, in some cases, during). It just works on every level – same goals, no past grievances and they're both hot and stuck in the same boat. Kafka has no fear, the danger a mara-stricken man poses means nothing in that regard, and Blade relies on her spirit whisper quite a lot. It's not a natural way to feel comfortable around someone, but it's a highly efficient one – if she can cleanse his mind of anything but her for a moment, he'll gladly take it. As long as she doesn't abuse her control powers and it benefits the shallow remnants of his emotional stability, being around her is his best place. Plus I live for the found family trope, and the Stellaron Hunters are definitely a family.

[pagesandpothos]

May Reading Recap

I read some great books in May! I started off the month a little slow but I found my stride mid-month and ended the month with 3 new 5-star reads. Here's everything that I read in May and my thoughts on each:

For Real by Alexis Hall 🌈

The characters feel very real and I love the growth they sparked in each other. How much I ended up loving them together really surprised me. This is one of my favorites by Alexis Hall and one of the best in the "Spires" series. It's super spicy and made me cry a little too!

🌕🌕🌕🌕

The Emperor and the Endless Palace by Justinian Huang 🌈

This is a blend of two queer Chinese love stories, Passion of the Cut Sleeve and Huang Jiulang, reimagined into a reincarnation story. The concept of this is brilliant but the execution wasn't 100% successful.

The characters and relationships all felt flat and unlikeable to me and the second half of the book felt rushed.

It's also not a romance, so this may be a case of the book's marketing leading to incorrect expectations. Don't go into this thinking it is going to be a romantic, grand love story. This is not that at all!

🌕🌕.

The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager

Great twists and turns with creepy Summer camp vibes. One of the best from Riley Sager!

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌘

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson

The most fun I've ever had reading a mystery! I love the humor and how meta it is.

🌕🌕🌕🌕

MrBallen Presents: Strange, Dark & Mysterious by MrBallen, Robert Venditti, and Andrea Mutti

An upcoming graphic novel of spooky stories that I think is a successful addition to MrBallen's growing storytelling empire. As a long-time fan, I found his stories in this format to be really entertaining and I hope this is not the only graphic novel he releases. I'd love to see this become a series!

I will 100% be reading this again when it officially releases and I think it may become a yearly reread for me around Halloween. I highly recommend it for all fans of the strange, dark, and mysterious!

🌕🌕🌕🌕

The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett 🌈

"What a tool cynicism is to the corrupt, claiming the whole of the creation is broken and fraudulent, and thus we are all excused to indulge in whatever sins we wish - for what's a little more unfairness, in this unfair world?"

Plant magic, great worldbuilding, giant monsters, a complex whodunit murder mystery, and a Holmes/Watson-esque duo on the case.... this book has it all! I seriously love the two main characters so much. Ana is ridiculous and so funny. Din is so charming. I need more of them ASAP!

This book had me hooked from the very beginning and I can't say enough good things about it. This is one of the best books I've read all year (maybe even the best)!

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

Coup de Coeur by Halli Starling 🌈

Interesting characters and plot but the pacing felt a little off at times. The ending is a cliffhanger that sets up a potentially exciting sequel.

🌕 🌕 🌕

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson

Completely addictive and very fun. I could not put this down! This reminded me a little of season 1 of Veronica Mars, in the best way.

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty 🌈

This has been on my TBR for about a year and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it. I genuinely loved every second of reading this and I did not want it to end.

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books by Kirsten Miller 🌈

A funny, heartfelt, compassionate, and very relevant story about the power of books. I could not put this down!

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

How did I do with my reading goals?

I read one of my Book of the Month titles (The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi) and one from Aardvark Book Club (The Tainted Cup). Those were two of my 5-stars for the month!

I read every day in May and read a total of 3,505 pages.

I continued 1 series ("Spires") that I’m in the middle of.

Most of the books (90%) that I read this month were over 300 pages.

I finished one book (The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi) from my 2024 Priority TBR!

Other Stats:

I read 10 books and my average rating was 4.05. 70% of the books I read this month were in print format and 30% were ebooks.

My top tags were: LGBTQIA+, Mystery, and Fantasy.

[capow02]

Freak Show >:) and/or Want if it’s not cheating to do two songs :3

This is amazing, my very first response and you've somehow managed to find two of the sio songs I have the most to say about! Get ready for an essay.

Freak show is an absolute masterpiece of a song. You know you're in for a treat when you hear the magic sparkling sounds fade in, Cody delivering his first two lines with nothing but guitar chords in the background, and then the strings, drums, and absolutely epic guitar riff that masterfully lead into the first verse. I've always thought this was an amazing way to open the song. The verses are really strong, and Cody's "yeahhhh" at the end of the first one, along with the drums, is incredible and a perfect lead in to the chorus.

And oh my god, the chorus. It might be my favourite ever sio chorus to date. It's so catchy, with Cody's "I lost myself in make believe" blending so well with the "I don't wanna go"s. I'm always so unbelievably happy to hear it, and if I'm alone you best believe I'm singing it as loud as I can. The "you want reform" line masterfully adds some variance to the melody, while still being catchy as hell, and the decision to cut the instrumental for the last line was a perfect choice. Amazing.

And the bridge? It puts so many other bridges to shame. The "la da da"s were a master stroke, especially when they continue behind the lyrics. And then, Cody must've thought "Oh, you're not dead yet? Let's finish you off" when he decided to, on the last "you can't break me", pause the instrumental for half a second. I want to go back to the moment he chose to do that and personally thank him. It gives me goosebumps every time.

And even after all that, the way Cody goes higher when he sings "decieved" and "tainted bliss" in the last chorus is transcendent, and just the perfect capper on the perfect song. And I haven't even talked about the lyrics, which are so relatable when you've tried to change your personality to fit in with others. It's so inspiring, and singing "I've become who I am" and "you can't break me" at the top of your lungs is really freeing.

So yes, freak show is a perfect 10/10 song, my favourite from cinematics, and my second favourite sio song ever. I wonder if anyone will submit my number 1.

And want, my favourite song off upside down, where to start with this one? The beautiful and almost sombre opening is an immediate attention catcher, and very unique for a sio song. The way the pre-chorus builds up to the chorus itself is mesmerising and dramatic in a way that never fails to keep my attention, like I know I'm about to hear something important. And I am, because the chorus is so heartfelt and real, but also really catchy in a lowkey way.

In the bridge, Cody delivers one of his best vocal performances with the long "youuu", and the way the background vocals combine "this isn't what I really want" with "I gotta say" scratches my brain in a really satisfying way. And the backing vocals at the end are just perfection. Listening to this song feels like you're going through an extremely important experience. And that's not even the main reason why I love this song so much.

While freak show was relatable, want feels like Cody has reached into my brain and written a song about my own personal experiences. Having only just figured out that I'm aroace after convincing myself I wanted a relationship for years, lines like "so sure but so confused" and "I guess I found another way to lie" hit me straight in the feels. The chorus especially hits, because I only figured it out when I actually began a relationship. So, if you asked me this a year ago, I would've said this was a very average song. But now? I belt out that chorus with feeling whenever it plays. It's probably my most relatable sio song tied with lonely dance, and according to my top 30 list, it's my 13th favourite ever sio song.

9/10! Also, epic kill the lights reference.

[waywarddreamer133]

Little rant about sexual trauma.

This is purely off my own opinion and experiences. Everyone has their own viewpoint and I don't claim to speak for anybody else.

I guess it isn't obvious from this shitty blog where all I do is vent. But I'll give a little background on myself. I was groomed as a 14 year old.

During those years, I lied on a few discord servers, telling people I was older than I was in order to access explicit content. During that time, I met people who asked for relations.

At the time, I was young and stupid, and accepted. Multiple people, some of which knew my real age engaged with me in explicit content over the internet. I had been solicited nudes from by multiple people, I did send them and have been sent likewise.

The relationship that did form was,,, toxic. I was an emotionally unstable teenager thrust into the world of self discovery at the deep, adult end of the pool. And the boyfriend who I took from these adventures...

I don't wish to speak ill of his name, despite what he did to me. But he was a clingy, troubled, 20-ish year old man. I would go far enough to say that he was somewhat controlling.

...It took longer than I should've to break up with him. It was ugly, I was afraid he was going to kill or hurt himself the entire time. We basically never spoke again after.

That wasn't enough to scare me away though. All the stresses of my life from every other part piled up somewhere. Here was where it was.

Being single, I began virtually bedding basically whoever was in the same discord servers as I was and who was interested in the act.

I got,,, very, into BDSM. To a probably, definitely, unhealthy extent.

The people I were with taught me things. Things I remember to this day, things I wish I could forget, but can't. Won't.

I learnt pleasure, I learnt pain. I learnt service, I learnt obedience, I learnt happiness, I learnt sex.

Those are the lessons drilled into my heart. Ones I can't remove. Servicing the one you hold dearest to you is the ultimate happiness. Listening to their commands and doing as you're told is the best path. Pleasure for me is an unnecessary commodity, so long as the person I'm serving is the one being pleasured. Pain is forgiveness. Pain is the death of guilt by virtue of forgiveness. Pain is the catalyst for guilt to be washed away by the mercy of those who I serve.

Those actions made me the person I am today. A recovering nymphomaniac, and one doing a very, very poor job of it.

And while I'm on the road to recovery, it feels so endless. With an addiction like drugs, drinking or smoking. Your goal is absolutely clear: Never Drink, Smoke, or do Drugs again.

But Sex? Cold turkey... It would be one way of absolutely winning against this addiction. To never again, not once touch the topic of sex.

But as I move into my adult years, it seems like that's the least happy path forward. It might be the healthiest in the short term, but long term... What then?

Will I have to hold onto this fear for the rest of my life? That any feelings I may have for anybody is lead not by the kindness of their hearts or the radiance of their mind and personality? But by how long and hard their dick is and how good it'd feel to have them rail me?

Will I constantly have to talk myself down, over and over and over? From letting myself go, selling my dignity and life to the nearest horny femboy top? Letting myself be taken as a pet? Handing my free will, future, independence and life over in exchange for Pleasure and the ability to never, ever, again worry about my own life?

Will I even find a partner? Even if they love me, would they accept this part of me? This broken, tainted part of what's supposed to be personal and precious. Broken. Broken beyond repair.

What else will I do? What can I do?

Sex was a massive dumping ground of stress that ran since I was 8 years old. Regular old Porn, Kinky fanfiction, Hentai, Erotic Roleplay, Whatever I could get my hands on. Finally closed down. Cut off.

Every bad thing that happened to me when I was 9 to 14. My last vestiges of mental sanity I give credit to sex for preserving.

Sex was simple. It was easy. I pleasured my partner, he or she pleasured me. We do it well enough for each other together, and we both have a good time.

Since I was a bottom, that meant service. Do as I'm told, follow instructions, let him do whatever he likes with me, and cry like it's real. Before basking in the afterglow and aftercare.

It wasn't being in the throes of lechery, pleasure and desire that broke me. It was cutting myself loose. The event isn't the hardest part about trauma. It's the recovery.

The moment I stopped... Everything else in my life hit. I felt the intensity of each and every day so much more. I felt so much more tired. The stress that usually instantly got converted to sexual frustration now bubbled and boiled, with nowhere else to go.

I wasn't unhappy selling my life for pleasure, I wasn't unhappy being treated as a toy or pet. I wasn't unhappy having my worthlessness being highlighted to me. I wasn't unhappy sending nude pictures of myself to adult strangers I'd never met in real life. I wasn't unhappy being objectified.

I'm unhappy that I'm afraid I'll do it again. I'm unhappy that I've built a life with enough value to not be worth trading away. I'm unhappy that a worthless piece of garbage has to act like a human being. I'm unhappy that sending adults nudes of myself will no longer get me what I want in return. I'm unhappy that I'm barely functional.

I'm unhappy that I'm recovering. Because I don't see how I can be happy without turning back.

[jakeperalta]

Hi!!! I know it's been a while since we talked! I'm so happy you got tickets to the eras tour! My show was last week and it was amazing! Everything was so much better in person even if you watch the videos. I couldn't possibly wait that long lol. My sister and I had the best time ever! We got two first live performances of with Right Where You Left Me Castles Crumbling..ahh! I didn't wanna tell you right away cuz your show isn't for a long time though. Also..since you were talking about books..i started reading Happy Place and I'm really enjoying it so far so I'm taking my time. I am excited for her new book too which somehow seems like a mix of all of her books so far. Also..I found out recently that the book I recommended to you..If He Had Been With Me..is going to have a sequel! That totally shocked me and I had no idea. I don't think it needs one but I'm curious to see how it is. The same goes for the other book I recommended..the Stepping Off Place which is also not needed but I loved the story and characters. Weirdly..the If He Had Been With Me sequel might be similar to the Stepping Off Place book in a way I guess? Sorry if that doesn't really make sense to you though. Anyway..that book character playlist post you reblogged is funny cuz I actually started doing that in a way..in my movie version of the book. Like I picked which Taylor songs each character would like and why..or like which Taylor songs fit each relationship. But also ...every character is me in a way and i would use music that helped me in a similar situation. Like this guy totally listens to the Cure and the Smiths which is my other favorite kinda music..and it gives it a good mix. Like what song I would put here that he would actually play in the car. Also there's a joke about snow monkeys and this guy totally likes Arctic Monkeys so I have a funny line about it...that my sister actually suggested lol. Also I Can See You came out and I feel like that fit the characters relationship..and it was a perfect blend of their music tastes in my head since it kinda has the vibe of an Arctic Monkeys song to me..or just guitar. The guy wants to play guitar in the book..kinda. sorry if this makes no sense..and I know I talked about the characters like they were real with facts lol. But also..I know..and I made them both have parts of me that might not be canon but also they are in love. I am every character in this book in some way and I didn't even write it..wtf. that's probably why I love it so much. Anyway sorry this is long and off topic..as usual. I hope you're doing so good!

hi!! I'm so glad you had a great time at your show, those are such good surprise songs! I'm so excited for my shows even though they're ages away still

I hope you like happy place! I can't wait for her next book, it sounds so fun. that's cool that those books are getting sequels, it's always a bit apprehensive when a story doesn't necessarily need one because you don't want it to like taint the original book but hopefully it will be worth it!

I love that about a part of you being in each character of the book and therefore sort of applying your music choices to them, especially with like one character enjoying one facet of your tastes and another being more reflected by a different genre (and of course taylor songs for everyone, it's never a character/ship playlist for me without some taylor!)

[spheresr4cubes]

So about 10 years ago, I was part of a creative writing course at a university. There were about fifteen of us, and we were supposed to write a story over the course of the semester that would be read and commented on by the class each week.

At the time, I was writing about two Latino brothers living in a new city, and the older one finds out the younger one has been stalked and kidnapped by some random girl they don't even know. The story itself is the girl coercing the brother into reconsidering every action he'd taken to get himself and his little brother here -- running away from home, possibly poisoning their abusive mother to keep her from searching for them, et cetera -- which is all shown in flashback to the reader.

One of my classmates read the story and said, "It seems like you hate women."

Bruh, firstly, I am a woman and I have mad respect for other women.

Secondly, this was a decade ago, 2014-ish, and there were a lot of things happening in real life that got people considering how race and gender applies to literature... however, I had not thought of this in choosing my characters and story. The boys were Latino because I am, because I chose to build the life around them as warm and close to my heart and tainted by alcoholism. The girl who kidnaps the brother is a girl because, idk, she just is! The mother being an abusive alcoholic is because she is, and the father being absent is because he is!

Had the genders been swapped and it was two sisters escaping an abusive father, would anyone have questioned it? If it was a sister being abducted by a boy with a god complex who had formed a parasocial relationship with a stranger, would anyone have thought twice?

Out of all the criticisms I got on that story, many of which were good and helpful, this is the one that sticks with me, that makes me angry. I recognize that we form our heroes and villains off of stereotypes sometimes, that caricatures can become shorthand for characters we want to create -- think of how Lucifer is always painted with red hair. But it's not always the case, is it? Are we allowed to make characters who are abusive or alcoholic or absent and also women or disabled or minority?

I grew up in a dual-culture household, and I saw the differences between the sides of the family -- how love is shown, how verbal or physical abuse is handled, how food and alcohol play in to social events. And if there's anything I've learned, it's that at a base level, there is no difference. My white uncle can be just as rude as my Mexican uncle. My Mexican grandmother can be as disapproving and passive-aggressive as my white grandmother. Sure, one will apologize verbally and one will apologize by slipping me a $20 bill, but really, they're both still people, people with issues and talents and histories.

I will also say that the races of my characters in the story didn't play into the plot itself, it wasn't built around their blood. Neither did their genders, really, now that I think about it, except in the ways that maybe a teenage boy would handle a situation versus how a teenage girl would. I don't know. I keep questioning it now.

I can recognize that there has been an oversaturation of negative portrayals of certain people over the centuries, and maybe this skinny white college boy's comment that I seem to hate women was a side-effect of the overcorrection during the birth of #MeToo, but... I don't know.

Any thoughts from other writers? Readers?

[hangingthoughts]

An entry I passed for my FCL class.

Narrate a real story of forgiveness in your life. How did you feel when the person you have hurt has sincerely accepted and forgiven you?

It didn't say that the forgiveness must only come from a human person, and so I am going to state the forgiveness I received from God. I chose this partly because this is one of the most freeing experience I ever had in my short life. I am aware that I've hurt some people, and I gave my apologies and received second chances, but God's forgiveness felt like big block of chains were broken. Anyway, let me proceed with my story.

I have been a Christian since I was 7 years old. My dad became a pastor, and so we can safely say that I grew up in close relationship with God. And I love every single second of it. I would tell my classmates and friends about God's goodness, grace, love, justice and holiness. I would lead prayers, be in bible studies and no sooner received my ministry of music and HCI. I was having the time of my life. And I would say that the climax of it was when I was in Grade 7. Everyone I know knows I try to be a representative of God. Worship was my lifestyle. I was rooted where I am in during that time. I was very comfortable. However, like all climax, you can't forever stay high, you'll need to come down some time. When my dad assessed our financial situation, he realized we lost a lot of money and we need to curb from our financial lifestyle then. We changed houses and were transferred to a public school. That sudden change— I hated it! I felt left behind and poor. First day of school, I went home and cried. There was some bad and sad scenes I don't want to state, and I can't really remember much, all I know was starting that day, living became mechanical. I count the days in my head when all will be over, for the summer break to come. I go to school, I meet people, I learn (but not really)— as my care went down so does my grades. I still go to church. But mainly because I have to. I think that is when my relationship with God was tainted. I hate going on cellgroups. Everything I do was a facade just so I can uphold the title of being a pastor's kid. A good, saintly, sweet human being — until they finally told me that I lost my smile.

And then, as the third term was about to begin, after the Sunday service, my leader then called all of her chicklings, and ask us how we were really. This part was already vague in my memory. All I know is I found myself crying and asking God to forgive me. For directing my anger on Him. For rebelling. For hating life. For trying to trick my leader every time. For the ka-plastikan. For everything. I saw my leader and friends comforting me, my family dumbfounded as to why I'm crying, and then, they prayed for me. After that, something happened in my heart and mind. I felt peace. I felt lighter. As if some burden was finally taken out of me. The next day I went to school excited and happy. To be honest, I still think that the days after that event , of when I'm in Grade 8, was the best highschool experience for me. It was a funny transition because my Math seatmates were surprised I was listening and taking notes. I was raising my hand for recitations. I gain the best circle of friends. Although honestly, I can hop from one to the other. However the beauty of it was that I finally left the toxic ones. Thank God! I'm free. Because of His forgiveness, I was finally happy & enjoying living and breathing. Everyday is a chance to experience His mercy. And of course, it wasn't a one time full blast forgiveness experience — my leader had to help me work on it. After I asked God's forgiveness, she helped me to forgive the people who hurted me, and she helped me to forgive myself for hurting me. She's an angel from heaven, really. And that is all. If you reached this part, I hope you receive forgiveness too. Trust me, you'll feel more content and satisfied with life. And we can always do with lighter burdens to carry. Take care!

[panharmonium]

a face like a wounded bear (i’ve just got a few things on my mind, that’s all)

back on my merlin rewatch rambles this week.  i’m finishing up S1 now and just putting down some notes here for myself about 1.11 - specifically, how it ties back to/is informed by 1.10, because this is something that’s been on my mind for a long time.

these got a bit long so feel free to scroll past if this isn’t your cup of tea!

standard disclaimer for people who don’t know me and might stumble across this: i got into this show late and i have not finished season 5.  i am GOING to finish season 5, hence this rewatch.  so far i have remained unspoiled for the end of this show; i super appreciate everybody helping me stay that way.  you have my permission to laugh at me for being ten years late to this show in the first place and also for taking a geological age to finish the last four episodes.  i understand and fully support you in this; in my defense, i have been using the break to write fic, so i hope all can be forgiven in the end X)

with that out of the way, some thoughts!

i. a wounded bear

i really appreciate how much angrier merlin suddenly is at everything once we hit ‘the labyrinth of gedref.’

he’s still trying to help solve arthur’s problems, and he’s still rooting for arthur to succeed, but he’s also snappy and irritable and getting lost staring out windows, and his patience level with arthur in particular is set to absolute zero.  it’s not a catastrophic change - it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like arthur anymore or that he doesn’t still respect arthur for what arthur...could be, and for what he is, at moments; merlin obviously still deeply admires him for caring so much about the people of camelot and he obviously still believes that arthur is noble at heart and worth supporting.  but he’s simultaneously sick and tired of arthur’s particular brand of princely BS, and in this episode it’s starting to show.

before this episode, merlin used to tolerate arthur’s dumbassery with a kind of...willingness to be amused as opposed to annoyed.  arthur would go into his “insult merlin” routine or say something only a rich idiot would say and merlin would just laugh it off, or quip it away, or roll his eyes and get on with his day.  he was kind of…gently entertained by the people he had to serve.  he was having a little adventure right then, you know?  and the nobles, arthur included, were colorful characters in this story he’d walked into.  if they were occasionally insufferable, well, at least they were good for a laugh.

for example, that episode where arthur keeps asking merlin to cover for him so he can go have his little dates with sophia?  merlin winds up in the stocks for it three times in a row, but the first time, he just shrugs it off with his typical cheery equanimity and wryly says, “i forgot how much fun this was!”  and then when arthur asks him to cover for him a second time, merlin is just psyched that arthur is having such a good time with sophia, and he immediately agrees to do it, saying, “don’t worry, i’ll find a way to get you out of it!”  and then he’s back in the stocks, but when he comes out of them, gaius is more annoyed at arthur than merlin is.  and then after arthur runs off to “elope” with sophia, and merlin ends up in the stocks a THIRD time, it’s just the funny zinger at the end of the episode.  he’s not upset about it.  it’s just like, “meh!  here i am again!  classic merlin misadventure, what can you do? :)”

there is no chance that would fly in the back quarter of S1.  none.  zero.

merlin is completely fed up in 1.11.  starting with the hunting party’s slaughter of the unicorn, and then branching out to other, smaller things - every dismissive thing arthur says to him, every time arthur ignores or denies the reality of their situation and tries to pin responsibility for camelot’s misfortune on sorcery rather than his own actions, every time arthur makes stupid comments like ‘merlin you’re less intelligent than a rat’ - in this episode, merlin doesn’t roll with those things.  he snaps back, or raises his voice; he refuses to be talked over, he bites back “i’m THIRSTY” when arthur tells him to stop smacking his lips in the granary.  

in another episode, that stuff might have been delivered in a jokey way - and it will be again, some day in the future, when they’re both back to having fun with it - but merlin’s not having fun with it in 1.11.  he’s giving arthur challenging stares and resentful glares instead of friendly, this-is-just-how-we-tease-each-other looks.  his tone isn’t amused or fondly exasperated, it’s frustrated or irritated or, sometimes, straight-up angry.  

there’s a point in one of their arguments where merlin says he believes what anhora is saying, and arthur’s cold response is, “then you’re a fool.  you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says.  you’d do well to remember that.”  

and merlin gives him the most baleful glare. like he wants to just...strangle him with his eyes.  like he has so many cutting things just sitting on the tip of his tongue and can’t decide which one he wishes he could say first.

ii. a few things on my mind

this, i think, is where it’s worth remembering that this episode takes place in a larger context than ‘arthur did a dumbass thing at the beginning of the episode and merlin’s upset about it.’  

because merlin definitely is upset about the unicorn, but merlin’s also just upset, full stop, about things that have nothing to do with the unicorn or camelot’s curse or camelot to begin with, and it’s bleeding over into other areas of his life.

to clarify: i don’t think we can really understand merlin’s subtle attitude shift in 1.11 without understanding that 1.11 takes place immediately after 1.10.  

1.11 is one of two S1 episodes whose positions in the timeline we can actually pinpoint relative to their neighbors (the first being 1.02, which is directly stated to take place on merlin’s “first day as arthur’s servant,” aka the day after 1.01).  1.11 likewise can be mapped accurately onto the timeline, because kanen comes thundering into ealdor bellowing “it’s harvest time!” in 1.10, and then in 1.11 camelot is bringing in their harvest, too (literally, gaius yells at the end, “they’re bringing in the harvest!”). 

there’s really not any wiggle room there.  the harvest season is only so many weeks long to begin with, and we know ealdor was pretty far along with their work in 1.10 - we see the evidence of their labor, and if the grain hadn’t already been harvested, kanen’s group wouldn’t have had anything to steal.  ealdor is smaller, so it makes sense for them to finish faster than camelot, but it looks like camelot is just getting started in 1.11, given the state of their grain reserves and the fact that so much grain appears to be unharvested when the blight hits.  and, that being the case, honestly, camelot had to have started like, immediately after 1.10 finished, or even while that arc was still going on.  it’s already pushing the boundaries of disbelief that they wouldn’t have started by the time ealdor has gotten so much done.  there’s no plausible way they could have waited any longer.  harvest season is the same for everyone; it’s not some kind of rotating schedule.  people only have about a month to get it done in the first place.  

so these two episodes occur, at the absolute most, a couple weeks apart from one another, and that’s only by the most generous of estimates; it’s more likely that they’re closer together than that, given the information above.  but honestly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s two weeks or two days - either way, merlin in 1.11 has something going on in his head that’s extremely recent and taking up kind of a lot of his energy.  

i don’t know that this angle gets looked at often, because the understandable tendency is to mostly focus on merlin in relation to arthur, and this becomes especially true in episodes that contain arthur+merlin umm...idk, focus scenes like the one near the end of 1.11.  but this is the angle that’s always on my mind when i watch the end of S1, because if there is one hill i’ve staked out for the digging of my future grave, it’s the following:

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.

this probably qualifies as an unpopular fandom opinion, but it’s something i absolutely refuse to budge on.  

and of course it’s just my own read, obviously; you may have more fun coming at this episode from a different direction, and that’s totally cool!  but for me, my understanding when i’m watching this season - merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  especially not yet, especially not now, when merlin has only known arthur for a few months and he’s just coming back from being with people who have known him (and i mean known him, known everything, known him for real) for something like twenty years.

merlin’s life does NOT revolve around arthur pendragon.  his relationship with arthur, at this point, is not the most important relationship in his life.  arthur is not the best friend he’s ever had.  arthur is barely merlin’s friend at all, right now.  arthur likes him all right, yes, and merlin likes him back, most of the time, but arthur doesn’t even know him, really. 

arthur doesn’t know.

and i love arthur and merlin, like - i’m as down for the mythic, destiny-laden, we-find-each-other-in-every-universe dimension of their dynamic as anybody, and when those two finally have an equal, healthy friendship going on, i’m going to be cheering for them.  but it doesn’t change the fact that merlin had a life before he came to camelot, or the fact that by 1.11 he’s only been in camelot for a few months and doesn’t really know arthur all that well yet.  

you can pick whatever example you want to illustrate this point; there are enough of them to choose from, but one of the clearest is in 1.11, when arthur passes his final test and drinks anhora’s fake poison.  merlin thinks arthur is dead, at that point - he’s pretty well convinced that the poison was real and that arthur has just keeled over dead on the beach - but his reaction to arthur’s ‘death’ is....i don’t want to minimize it, exactly, because merlin's obviously upset about it, but at the same time the level of distress he displays is visibly, objectively different from what we see from him in other contexts.  it looks nothing like his naked grief when will is slipping away from him in 1.10, or his desperation when his mother shows up deathly ill on his doorstep in 1.13.  he doesn’t look at potentiallydead!arthur the same way, or talk to him the same way, or touch him the same way - of course he hustles right over and shakes him to see if he can wake him up, but it is just...you can watch these scenes next to each other and they are just not the same.  it is not the same gentle way he leans over his mother, the way he takes her hand, strokes her forehead, folds gaius’ rabbit’s foot into her fingers.  it is not the same way he cradles will in 1.10, when his fingers are in will’s hair and his hand is just - reflexively rubbing will’s head in a way that is just so...intimate and automatic and brokenly tender like -

of course it’s different with them!  he loves them!  watching them suffer is torture for him, and the idea of losing either of them is devastating to him on a scale i can’t possibly understand.  he’s only ever had two people in his life.  one parent.  one friend.  they were his whole world.

so, yeah, merlin is stressed about arthur’s apparent death.  he’s upset.  he likes arthur, he believes in arthur, he’s appalled that this is happening.  but it’s not a personal grief.  there aren’t any deathbed confessions.  there aren’t any gentle touches.  there aren’t any tears.  his protest to anhora isn’t ‘i love this person and i don’t want them to leave me;’ it’s ‘i was meant to protect him!’  it’s about him failing at his “destiny;” it’s about the fact that someone told him he was born like this for a reason and now he’s failed at the job that gave him a sense of purpose, at the thing that made him feel like having magic was worth all this terrible trouble.  

contrast this to when his mother shows up dying in 1.13, and gaius tries to prevent merlin from saving her by bringing up the importance of merlin’s “destiny.”  on that occasion, merlin’s immediate incredulous retort is, “my destiny?  this is my mother.”  

arthur’s death and merlin’s distress over it all come back to merlin’s unfulfilled destiny, in 1.11.  but merlin couldn’t care less about his destiny when it’s his mother’s life on the line.  my destiny means nothing if i cannot save her.

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  not here, not now.

[that said - it’s different, of course, later in the series.  merlin’s reaction to arthur’s supposed death in 5.07 isn’t just “oh no i failed!”, it’s also a personal, particular anguish.  they matter to each other, by then.  (though even then i think there’s a lot to be said about the…unhealthy tragedy of merlin giving up on his own wants and needs and worth as a person who exists outside the context of this narrow mandate to protect someone who doesn’t know who merlin really is and wouldn’t love him if he did - but that’s just the situation merlin’s trapped himself in, by that point.  it’s what he’s accepted for himself.  it’s all he thinks he deserves.)]

[that’s a post for another day, though, so.  back to the point.]  

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  merlin had a life all his own before he came to camelot, and during the last quarter of season 1, every part of it that matters to him is falling apart.

i keep coming back to this, every time i think about this kid.  there’s just no way to overstate the fact that merlin’s world up until this point has always been just two people.  his whole life has been just two people.  his whole life has been just one parent.  his whole life has been just one friend.  

and after 1.10, his one friend is dead.

i think we dramatically underestimate the impact of merlin having half of his world obliterated, just like that.  

that’s not something he gets up and strolls away from.  he can’t roll with that punch.  he carries that for the rest of his life.

you know what i mean?  it would be a disastrous enough thing on its own, without even getting into the fact that it unfolds in a way that is SO complicated and tied up with messy personal history and regret/guilt that it needs to be parsed in an essay of its own (which, yes, i might already have half-written; yes, i have too much extra time on my hands this month.)  we’re also not getting into the fact that like - okay, the sort of grimly positive flip side to only having two significant relationships in your life is that you’ve also never personally experienced any significant bereavement.  you don’t have any extended family to mourn, no friends to lose, et cetera.  so to have your first experience with loss be something so huge, when you’ve had no practice dealing with grief, and to be trapped in a place where you aren’t allowed to discuss it honestly because if you told somebody what it all really meant you’d be executed?  

i’d be in a bad mood, too.

merlin is such a good kid and he tries so hard to have a smile for everyone, but i can’t watch the last quarter of S1 without seeing the strain of this weighing on him.  it affects how he reacts to the situation with gwen’s father in 1.12 (more on that another time), and it absolutely plays into the fact that he spends the season finale racing from one side of the kingdom to the other, desperate to sacrifice his life for someone else’s.

^^ regarding that last bit - i think about that a lot.  merlin tries to die three separate times over the last three episodes of S1, and it’s not that he’s...running around trying to get someone to kill him, exactly, but there’s definitely a very real sense that he’s dumped any interest in self-preservation, at this point, that he doesn’t care what happens to him.  if dying is what it takes to make sure nobody else is taken away from him, then that’s fine.  he will do literally anything to not feel this again.

merlin is trying to process something so big for him and he’s trying, by necessity, to do it alone, because he left his mother behind and came back to camelot where nobody understands that the only person other than his mother who ever loved him just died lying for him.  he is so stressed out in the last three episodes of this season and so desperately unhappy about things he isn’t allowed to even mention, and i just think it’s impossible to evaluate these episodes outside of that particular context.  

“we haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do,” he protests in the finale - and you can feel that aching admission come welling right up out of his soul.  it’s uttered in a new context, yes, but he’s been thinking it for weeks and weeks and weeks already, too late to change anything, too late to buy his friend any more time.  he’s hurting.  and he goes zipping around from life-sacrifice to life-sacrifice in the last three episodes in a desperate attempt to keep himself from hurting more.

iii. i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass

the point of all this is the following: the reason merlin sounds like he’s fed up with arthur in 1.11 is because he is fed up with arthur in 1.11.  he’s fed up with everything.  they all just got home from ealdor somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks ago, and merlin is reeling.  he feels like his head and his heart are still trapped on the other side of the border.  he’s sick of looking at arthur’s arrogant, insensitive, infuriatingly alive face - and i say this while recognizing that, even at the same time, merlin also cares about arthur, and believes in him, and lionizes him; admires him; hero-worships him, even.  these two things can be simultaneously true.  merlin’s relationship with arthur is already so fraught with dissonance (how can you care about someone who thinks people like you are inherently evil?  how can you respect someone who oppresses you?) - and merlin’s always carried two contradictory truths when he navigates their relationship, one in each hand.  and right now it’s just that one hand is holding something too heavy.  he’s not being bitchy, he’s busy - he’s trying to deal with something that is taking up 100% of his mental and emotional energy; he doesn’t have anything left over to accommodate arthur pendragon’s dumbassery. 

and arthur pendragon IS a dumbass; let’s not pretend that he isn’t.  i love him, and he has moments that are so admirable and glorious and shining that they take your breath away, when you can see why gwen says you are going to live to be the man i see inside you; i can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign (that speech makes my eyes sting EVERY TIME, it gets me right there) - but arthur is STILL a dumbass.  no question about it.  he has so far to go, still.  he’s dumb in all the generic ‘oblivious rich dude’ ways, and he’s also a jerk in his own specific ‘arrogant arthur pendragon TM’ ways, and merlin at this particular moment doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.  he likes arthur, even at this early stage, despite all the mental gymnastics he has to do in order to like someone who hates magic-users.  but merlin’s closest friend in the world is dead, and arthur is such an asshole sometimes and it’s like - this is what i got in exchange?  this is the trade the universe made?  what the hell makes arthur more deserving of being here than somebody who loved me without being told, without being taught, without needing to be constantly convinced that i should be allowed to exist and be safe and be loved on this earth?

are we really surprised that merlin wants to strangle arthur after that trademark ‘you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says’ comment?  merlin has enough reasons to resent that on his own behalf, but his own secret isn’t the problem, this time; the problem is that they literally just got home from their little jaunt to ealdor and the only reason arthur even made it back from ealdor in the first place was because (as far as arthur knows) a ‘sorcerer’ died saving his stupid life, and arthur knows that, and still, this is what he has to say?  

and that’s on top of like - back in ealdor before they left, the fact that arthur really felt it was necessary to take time out of his day to come over and reproachfully chastise merlin about not disclosing will’s ‘magic,’ AT WILL’S FUCKING FUNERAL???  “you know how dangerous magic is.  you shouldn’t have kept this from me.”  AT WILL’S FUNERAL?  RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BURNING CORPSE?  LIKE????  HELLO????

can you imagine being in this scenario???  and thinking???  yeah this is appropriate.  this is the time.  

how is merlin supposed to respond to that?  when arthur’s like ‘you know how dangerous magic is’ and merlin is just like ????!!  we are AT HIS FUNERAL!!!  we are literally WATCHING HIS BODY BURN!!!!  you know how dangerous magic is FFS THAT ‘MAGIC-USER’ COULDN’T STAND YOU AND HE STILL SAVED YOUR UNGRATEFUL LIFE AND HE’S DEAD BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AND WE’RE AT HIS FUNERAL OMG IS THIS THE TIME?  IS IT EVER GOING TO BE THE TIME?  SHUT!  UP!

of course merlin wants to kill him.   

so anyway.  i really appreciate merlin’s sudden prickliness in this episode.  it’s subtle enough not to be completely jarring, but it’s still clearly perceptible, and i’m glad for that, because this is something that should be perceptible, given the timeline, but at the same time merlin would never, ever mention what’s really bothering him out loud, because a) the sorcery element and arthur’s involvement in how things went down have made it an absolutely unbroachable, forbidden topic, and b) guilt has wired merlin’s jaw shut.

^^ re: that last thing - it’s a post for another day, and i won’t really get into it now, but suffice to say, once again, that merlin spends the last quarter of season 1 running around trying his absolute hardest to throw his life away for someone, and i just feel like...i think it says something about the kind of pain he is in, and the kind of apology he feels he needs to make.  

he is having a very hard time.  merlin in the back quarter of S1 is feeling very alone and very much like he doesn’t deserve to ever feel better. 

so if he’s a little bitey with arthur’s trademark noble nonsense, i think we can cut him some slack.