#every image of my lesbians without each other

[wis-art]

This angel is trans, lesbian and her name is Wiki

[ileaveclawmarks]

An interview with Leslie Feinberg appearing in the Oct/Nov 1998 issue of On Our Backs.

Please click on image to read or find the transcript below:

Feinberg and hir activist peers have transformed the landscape of current queer politics: they have introduced "trans" (even into the mission statement of the National Organization for Women) as an umbrella term for transgender and transsexual persons. "Transgender" refers to any person whose gender expression appears at odds with his or ber biological sex, including transvestites, drag queens and kings, intersexed persons, "passing" men and women, feminine men, and masculine women. "Transsexual" refers to men and women who challenge the sex they were assigned at birth, whether they choose sex-reassignment surgery or not. Feminism popularized the distinction between "sex" (as biological sex) and "gender" (as the social expression of masculinity, androgyny, and femininity); the trans movement took this distinction to the streets.

Feinberg and hir activist peers have transformed the landscape of current queer politics: they have introduced "trans" (even into the mission statement of the National Organization for Women) as an umbrella term for transgender and transsexual persons. "Transgender" refers to any person whose gender expression appears at odds with his or ber biological sex, including transvestites, drag queens and kings, intersexed persons, "passing" men and women, feminine men, and masculine women. "Transsexual" refers to men and women who challenge the sex they were assigned at birth, whether they choose sex-reassignment surgery or not. Feminism popularized the distinction between "sex" (as biological sex) and "gender" (as the social expression of masculinity, androgyny, and femininity); the trans movement took this distinction to the streets.

Feinberg discusses her struggle with the health care system in hir new book, Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue. Released in October, Trans Liberation chronicles Feinberg's career as a public speaker and collects the addresses s/he delivered to a variety of groups, from Gay Pride organizers to straight male transvestites. We spoke with Feinberg about why sexual freedom is impossible without freedom of gender expression.

On Our Backs: Trans Liberation was released this fall. Can you tell us about what you're working on now?

Feinberg: I'm deep into a novel titled Drag King Dreams. It's about a working-class, Jewish trans person who has a foot in both the diverse trans communities and also the lesbian, gay, and bi communities. It's a book about figuring out what "home" means and who your people are. I'm also trying to write a fable titled "Tale of Two Hearts." it's really a love song to Minnie Bruce Pratt-my wife, my lover, and my friend. It's just one chorus of the love song I write to Minnie Bruce every day of my life.

On Our Backs: Your relationship with poet Minnie Bruce Pratt, thanks in part to her book S/he, is well known. What is your advice to those of us seeking a long term relationship as loving as yours?

Feinberg: I just know that for me, this is a relationship unlike any other I've ever had. I wasn't looking for a lifetime commitment when I met Minnie Bruce. I°d been dating nonmonogamously for quite a while, nothing serious. Minnie Bruce and I both did a lot of work individually to grow up, get sober and work hard at developing our political consciousness and activism. We were ready for each other. Ready to be loving, to communicate, and to listen.

On Our Backs: Pat Califia once wrote that she wishes there would come a time when we don't pick a sexual partner by his or her gender, but by other criteria, such as whether the person is a top or a bottom. In your ideal world, what would attract people to one another?

Feinberg: It's hard for me to hypothesize. In the world we live in, individuals do organize their preferences around gender expression. But a spectrum of sexuality existed in ancient societies that predated state. sponsored repression of human love. That leads me to think that these preferences might continue to exist in future societies in which no form of sex or gender is outlawed or demeaned. I don't think the problem today is preferences so much as prejudices. For example, I read personal ads in which people say "no druggies or butches need apply." Wow! That's preiudice. If you say in an ad that you're looking for someone feminine or androgynous or some other form of preference. that's very different from saving "no butches." As more and more prejudices are defeated, and in a world freed from divide-and-rule bigotry, people will be freer to explore their preferences about gender and about individuals.

On Our Backs: Do transgendered persons have sexual representation-pornography, erotic fiction, videos made for and by themselves?

Feinberg: Right now, there are many people trying to write erotica that bends gender. And I think it's very important. For many of us, it's very hard, never being able to identify with the sexuality we see everywhere in the dominant culture. [So] it was very important for me to write about sexuality in Stone Butch Blues. In the novel I'm working on now, I've been thinking a lot about how to write about sexuality that's not necessarily masculine or feminine, or gay or straight.

On Our Backs: What do you mean by "sexuality that's not necessarily masculine or feminine"?

Feinberg: I see masculinity and femininity as forms of gender expression. But a person's gender expression doesn't necessarily determine their sexuality. It doesn't determine whether you'll be attracted to someone of a similar gender expression or a dissimilar one. It doesn't mean you'll be sexually aggressive or submissive or both. That's what makes me so angry when I hear people derisively refer to someone as "thinks she's so butch but she rolls over in bed." It's an assumption that masculinity translates into being a top sexually. It limits the range of sexual expression of masculine females. And it's a sexual attack on someone who is, by virtue of their social oppression, already sexually wounded.

On Our Backs: Both sex scenes from Stone Butch Blues were excerpted for collections of lesbian erotica. Did you intend the scenes to be sexually arousing for readers - to be erotica - when you wrote them?

Feinberg: That's such an interesting question. I have to say that when I set out to write the sex scenes, I began to be aware of internalized censorship: "Can I or should I write about this or that?" So I consciously blocked out any thought of readers with this odd mental trick: I told myself that whatever I wrote, I didn't have to publish it. First write it, then decide. By doing that, I discovered that I could write about the kind of sex that i thought was true to the emotional makeup of the characters. If it was erotic for readers, I think it was because I was true to the characters themselves, so the sex was "real," if you know what I mean.

On Our Backs: Can sexuality exist without gender? Or is gender an essential component of sexuality?

Feinberg: Certainly everyone is gendered - quite complexly. And we infuse much of who we are, as gendered people, into our sexuality. But sexuality is so complicated by oppression right now that it's really hard to study it removed from its social soil. Jesse Helms defeated funding for a study that would have backed up much of what Kinsey revealed decades ago: that human sexuality is not two opposite poles- one normal, one not. Sexuality is on a spectrum, and many individuals move along that continuum during their lives. But lesbian, gay, and bisexual love is outlawed in the majority of states in the United States. So how can a truly objective, intensive study of sexuality even be conducted? It's like doing a study on religious beliefs and affiliations during the Nazi regime in Germany. So much of what we will learn about the relationship of gender and desire, as well as unraveling other questions about the matrix of sexuality, will be tied to the victories of our liberation of humanity from oppression altogether.

On Our Backs: In Trans Liberation you wrote about how frustrating it is voting for a two-party system when both parties are backed by big business. Do you vote? Should poor, queer, and trans people even bother voting?

Feinberg: Well, politics is about more than voting. It's also about finding ways to move people to action. In a particular situation, voting on an issue in an election or a candidate could help advance the movement. In general, though, I don't think voting for Republicans or Democrats - both supported by wings of corporate America, as are their parties - advances our struggle. I believe we need to build an independent liberation movement that's not tied down by waiting to see what happens in the next election. Everything our movement has ever won, including progressive legislation, has been won based on the strength of our struggle.

On Our Backs: Lesbians who accept transgender liberation in theory often balk at making alliances with transsexuals. Why is this so?

Feinberg: First and foremost, transsexual men and women helped build the modern lesbian, gay, and bisexual communities and movement. I know of at least one transsexual sister who fought the cops at Stonewall. They haven't always been recognized for their valuable contributions. But I believe strongly that those in the lesbian communities who are opposed to building coalitions with the diverse trans communities are just one current, and very often a minority current. The question is: Which current of any movement will lead? Those who seek to narrow the movement, or those who seek to broaden and strengthen its collective power?

*In this interview, On Our Backs refers to Feinberg with the pronouns "hir" (pronounced "here") and "s/he." We choose to do so because Feinberg has stressed that if society is to accept transgendered people, our language must expand as well. S/he gives as an example Ms., a common term now, but unacceptable before the women's movement.

Source.

[jenna0rtega27]

Hey, just found your account and I really like your work. Would love a B/G/G 3some fiction with Jenna Ortega and Emma Myers. Some kinks I’d like you to include if it’s not too much would be spit in each other mouths, toe and feet sucking, dirty talk, and at the end a facial with cum swapping between the two girls. Again, keep up the great work!

Three are better than two

Thank you for asking 18+ Jenna Ortega x Emma Myers x M!Reader (Usually, I don't make requests with boys, but since I want to please everyone, I accept your request and it's probably the naughtiest one shot I've done on my account. So take advantage of it and continue to send your requests!) Warnings: Lots of smut, blowjob, penetration and lots of other filth, dom!Jenna, dom!Emma, ​​Sub!Reader, Sub!EmmaSummary: RequestNumber of words : 2,9K

Masterlist

Y/n headed towards her trailer. He had just finished his scenes for the day. He was part of the cast of season two of Wednesday and played the role of Jacob Petropolus, Ajax's twin brother and Wednesday Addams' love interest. He had been in Ireland for a month now and to his delight, he had kissed Jenna Ortega twice. But of course nothing more happened between the two characters which disappointed the 23 year old young man a little but hey he was content with the magnificently soft lips of one of his crushes and hoped to have another moment to kiss the beautiful little brunette.

Y/n opened the door and got into her trailer. He then went to shower to wash away the day he had just spent and to be clean for Jenna Ortega and Emma Myers. The young man had a huge crush on the two rising actresses from Wednesday. Every time he saw them, butterflies flew in his stomach, he literally dreamed of them as two beautiful young women. Unfortunately for Y/n, Emma and Jenna were dating so it was clear that they were lesbians. And Y/n is the only one who knows without the two girls even knowing that he knows they are in a relationship. Two days ago, Y/n had caught Jenna and Emma having sex in the brunette's trailer. Luckily for him, none of the girls noticed him. But since that day, Y/n has been masturbating with the image of the two girls in the 69 position, Jenna on top and Emma on the bottom. Like today, the young man was in the shower stroking his cock.

After cumming twice and getting all clean, Y/n got out of the shower and dried off. After he's dry, he puts on white Calvin Klein boxers, gray sweatpants and white socks. He doesn't wear a t-shirt because it's too hot to wear one. As he left his trailer to go get some sushi, his cell phone rang, a sign that he had received a message. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and looked to see who could send him a message. Seeing the name, butterflies began to swirl in his stomach.

*My love, but why would Jenna use those words? Especially since we almost never talk to each other. * Y/n had a lot of questions. Much to Y/n's dismay, he and Jenna weren't exactly close or friends. They only stood together for the scenes. But hey, Y/n tried not to worry too much and tell herself that maybe she had the wrong person. Y/n replied that he will be there as soon as possible. He leaves his trailer without bothering to put on a sweater. He just put on his black Nike sandals and went to Jenna's trailer.

After 2-3 minutes of walking, Y/n arrived at the trailer. Before entering, the young man took a deep breath and slowly entered Jenna's trailer. He looked around without finding the little brunette.

“Jenna, I’m here!” » He said loud enough to make sure the Latina heard him. “I’m in my room Y/n!” » Jenna replied from her room. Y/n takes another deep breath. He went to enter his crush's room. *Calm down Y/n. It's just for work and nothing more. * Y/n quickly placed her short blonde hair and headed towards the bedroom. When he reached the door, he slowly opened the door and what he found there shocked him, but in a good way.

Jenna Ortega AND Emma Myers were on the bed sitting in red lace lingerie that covered almost nothing. And the two were kissing very passionately. Not knowing what to say, Y/n stood there without speaking. He was just watching the two most beautiful women in the world kissing almost naked. After long minutes which in reality was 10 seconds, Jenna is the first to notice the boy who is still at the door frame. She breaks the kiss with Emma and looks carefully at Y/n who now felt uncomfortable at the intense and observant gaze of the little brunette. A smirk forms on Jenna's face at the sight of the clearly visible bulge on Y/n's pants.

Emma turned around and her mouth watered at the sight of her crush's muscles and abs and V-shaped trace. She felt herself getting wet at this sublime sight.

“Come here my boy. » Jenna said, patting the spot in the middle of the two girls on the bed. Hesitating a little, Y/n sat down in the middle of Jenna and Emma and looked between the two without knowing what to do or say. Jenna moved closer so that her breasts were on Y/n's arm. Y/n tried to focus on anything other than Jenna's big tits. “You know you're not very subtle” Said the brunette, running her index finger with black nail polish and running it over the young boy's pectorals. Goosebumps rose all over his body at the touch. “We know you saw us fucking in Jenna’s trailer. » Emma then responds, running her hand over Y/n's covered thigh. The young man's eyes widen with shame. He was sure no one had seen him.

“I-I-I-” “Shhh” Jenna silences him by placing her index finger on her crush’s lips “You have nothing to be ashamed of, my boy. Because me and Emma both have a crush on you. » Jenna responds softly, caressing Y/n's cheek.

“Jenna is right. Ever since we saw you, we had a crush on you and wanted to fuck you. » Emma adds, grabbing the young man's jaw so that her gaze is on the blonde. Y/n’s heart was beating fast. The fact that his two crushes wanted to fuck him gave butterflies in his stomach.

Jenna takes her turn at Y/n's jaw so that her gaze is now on her. “We want you so bad Y/n. Every time me and Emma fucked we thought of you and moaned your name. » Jenna replies, bringing her face closer to Y/n's. Jenna's eyes moved from his eyes to his lips. Y/n did the same. He wanted to kiss Jenna so much that he had to hold back so as not to jump on her. He put one arm around the brunette's waist and the other around the blonde and brought them closer. They were each on one of Y/n's dressed thighs.

“I’ve wanted you for so long, you have no idea. »Replies the young man on Jenna's lips. He could feel the brunette's hot breath on his face. “So what are you waiting for, my pretty boy? » Emma whispered with her hand in Y/n's hair and the other on his chest. He looked between the two girls and gave in to temptation. He placed his lips on Jenna's for a slow kiss that became more and more passionate. Y/n placed her tongue on Jenna's lower lip asking for entry and obviously Jenna happily accepted. She opened her mouth for the young man's tongue to enter. Y/n explored Jenna's mouth which made the little brunette moan. Emma for her part licked, kissed and sucked Y/n's neck and massaging his cock dressed in his sweatpants and boxers.

Y/n breaks the kiss with Jenna to kiss Emma the same way as with the Latina. And Jenna does the same thing Emma did to Y/n's neck but from the other side. Emma continued to play with Y/n’s cock making it hard. After a few minutes of kissing, Y/n pulls away from the kiss and brings her hands to the two girls' heads and brings them together so that they kiss. Y/n could feel herself hardening at the sight of Jenna and Emma's tongues dancing between her. And the young man had the impression that they were doing it on purpose because he really saw everything. But he doesn't complain.

Y/n brought her hands behind the two young actresses' backs and unclasped their bras and dropped them somewhere in the room. He looked at their breasts and leaned down to kiss Jenna's first. But he massaged Emma's breasts with his hand. Jenna moaned into her lover's mouth. She ran a hand over the back of Y/n’s head to bring him even closer. He devoured Jenna's breasts. He licked and sucked on her perky nipple. After a few minutes, he moved on to Emma's breasts to give the same treatment. Emma had Jenna's smaller tits but just as good and beautiful in her mouth.

As she pulled away from the kiss, a trickle of drool ran down Emma's chin. The brunette then licked her chin and put her tongue in the blonde's mouth so that she could suck it. Y/n looks up and he's almost drooling as he sees Emma sucking Jenna's tongue. The brunette then pulls away from the blonde's mouth with a pop and then looks at her crush and a smirk appears at the sight of Y/n still visible on Emma's face.

“Do you like what you see babyboy? » Jenna asks, stroking Y/n's head. The young man nods without saying anything. Jenna laughs a little and gives him a quick kiss. “Get up baby. » Jenna demands, removing herself from her crush's thighs just like Emma. Without waiting, Y/n stands up and waits for the two actresses' next moves. Emma walks over and kneels in front of the boy and gently pulls down the pants. Y/n's breath catches a little until Jenna is standing behind Emma. She reached up to cup Y/n's face and caress her cheeks with her thumbs. “We’re going to take such good care of you, my love, that afterwards you’ll never want to leave. » Jenna says with an intense look and kisses Y/n with passion and intensity.

Emma, ​​for her part, pulls down Y/n's boxers to show a 9-inch cock hitting her lower stomach. Emma licks her lips as she takes the big cock in her fist. She spits into her hand to wet his penis and begins to slowly move her hand up and down. Jenna pulled away from the kiss and lowered her head to watch her lover stroke Y/n's penis. Jenna puts her hand in Emma's hair and takes a handful and forces her to put the cock in her mouth.

“Come on baby, show our man how a little whore you can be.” » Emma opens her mouth and sucks Y/n's cock which makes him moan. The blonde sucks his cock up and down. She sometimes sucks the tip while swirling her tongue over the red tip. Jenna raises her head and with her free hand, she cups Y/n's jaw between her four fingers and thumb. “Open” Y/n opens her mouth and Jenna spits into her crush’s mouth and sticks her tongue into Y/n’s open mouth to lick the inside.

Emma deepthroats him which makes him nauseous every time the young man's cock touches the back of his throat. The only noises that can be heard in the room are Jenna's spitting into Y/n's mouth and Emma's throat noises. Jenna pulls out of Y/n's mouth and kneels next to the blonde. She removes it from the young actor's cock, grabs his jaw to turn his head towards her and kisses him with lots of tongue and drool. The other hand takes Y/n’s cock to continue jerking him off. Y/n moaned, laying her head back with her eyes closed.

Without leaving the kiss, Jenna moves her and Emma's heads towards Emma's hard, drool-filled cock to put it between their mouths. They moved their heads in sync from left to right on their side of the cock with their tongues sticking out to fuck and suck their lover's penis.

“Fuck” Y/n moaned, putting her hands on both girls’ heads to help direct their heads.

After a few more minutes of sucking, Jenna stood up and pulled Emma in. They took off their panties under the intense gaze of Y/n who felt his cock getting even harder again. Emma lay on her back on the bed while Jenna positioned herself on top of the blonde so that her shaved pussy was above Emma's face. The young woman wraps her arms around Jenna's thighs and lifts her head slightly and runs her tongue through her lover's dripping folds. Jenna runs her hands over her breasts to massage them while moaning. The brunette sees Y/n watching them while jerking off. Smirking, Jenna tells him to come at them with his finger. Like a magnet, Y/n slowly walked towards the two girls. He looks down to see Emma's glistening pussy begging him to lower it. Getting into the bed, Y/n leans down so her face is right above the blonde's vagina and runs her tongue through her wet folds to prepare her for his big cock. Emma moans into Jenna's vagina when Y/n lightly sucks on her sensitive clit.

Then, Y/n stands up and jerks off some more before lining up his cock at Emma's entrance. He passes his tip into Emma's pink folds to wet her and gently enters inch by inch into the blonde's vagina. Once at the bottom, Y/n waits until Emma is comfortable. After a few seconds of adaptation, Emma moves her pelvis a little to tell him to move. Y/n then begins to slowly move her hips. Jenna moans at the vibrations Emma makes on her clit. Y/n continues to move her hips faster and faster. For ease, the young man takes the blonde's legs and lifts them up and places both legs on one shoulder. Emma releases pornographic sounds while moaning her lover's name.

Jenna grabs Y/n's head with one hand and pulls her into an intense kiss. The other hand rests on the blonde's hips for more stability. Jenna pulls away from the kiss to take one of Emma's feet and puts it in her mouth. She runs her tongue between the blonde's toes and sucks her toes. Y/n leaned over Emma while continuing her hip movement and passed her tongue over Jenna's clitoris which made Jenna cry out with pleasure. After a few minutes of pleasure, Jenna cums in Emma's mouth and on Y/n's tongue while Emma cums on the young man's cock. Jenna moves away from her friend's face and kisses her. She moaned at her own taste on the blonde's tongue. Y/n continues to pound Emma's pussy hard when he feels the feeling in his balls. After a few hard strokes, he takes his cock off and jerks off right in front of the girls. Jenna lays down next to Emma and Y/n moves so that her cock is above the faces of both actresses who have their mouths open and their tongues out for the cum. After a few strokes of her hand, Y/n moaned leaving white liquid on Emma and Jenna's faces. After emptying everything, the two girls kiss with the cum in their mouths. Jenna takes the cum from Emma's face and puts it in her mouth without swallowing it. She positions her face above the blonde's and spits into her mouth with the cum. They do this 2-3 times and swallow all the cum while licking their face to remove all the cum. Once finished, the two girls joined Y/n who was lying on the bed with his arms crossed below his head and the blanket on him covering his bottom. They get under the covers so that Y/n is in the middle of them. Jenna and Emma are both lying on their sides with their elbows on the cushions and their hands supporting their heads.

" Did you like? » Jenna asks with her free hand caressing Y/n's cheek.

“I didn’t like it, I loved it. » Y/n replies, giving Jenna a kiss on the lips. Both girls grinned toothily at his response.

“We have a question for you Y/n” Emma said once the kiss between her two lovers broke. Y/n turns her head towards Emma and wraps her arm around the blonde's waist and caresses her back with her fingertips. Which gives him chills all over his body. He nods and waits for Emma to continue. “I know it might be rushed after making love, but, would you like to be me and Jenna’s boyfriend?” » Emma asks now all embarrassed and red cheeks. Jenna laughs inwardly at her girlfriend and puts an arm over Y/n to wrap her arms around Emma.

A huge smile appears on Y/n's face and slowly kisses Emma's lips. “Does that answer your question?” » Y/n replies on the blonde's lips.

“No, that doesn’t answer our question. » Jenna says as she takes Y/n's jaw in her hand and turns her head. The young boy laughed a little before putting his arm around Jenna's waist and squeezing her thigh.

“Yes I will be with you. I've been thinking about you since I saw you on the first day of filming. » Y/n replies with a happy smile. Jenna cups Y/n's cheek with her hand and places her forehead on the young man's.

“You don’t know how happy I am to have you for me and Emma. » Said Jenna before kissing Y/n languidly. She then pulls away from the kiss and cups Emma's jaw between her thumb and index finger. “And you’re so sexy when you’re embarrassed.” » Adds the little brunette and kisses her friend with lots of tongue. Y/n lifts her head and joins the kiss. Their three tongues dance sensually together.

And for the rest of the evening, they made love, kissed and loved each other. The three had the two people who meant the most to them.

[running-with-kn1ves]

🧎‍♀️more edira????? in evil old lesbian office worker we trust 🙏

how about a honeymoon-esque vacation scenario??? I am dying to see more of casual edira, the way she was in that last drabble ahgdgshababnabab

ur writing is just so good 💝

A/N: This is so kind! I was really surprised that Edira kept showing up in my inbox but I can't complain! I didn't want to jump to honeymoon just yet so here's a little vacation/beach episode :D

CW: blackmail/forced relationship, power imbalance, edira grabbing reader’s butt, overall possessive red flags --WC:2300

Synopsis: vacay with your powertrip of a girlfriend Edira! But her workaholic tendencies are hard to escape. 

Taking “official” photos was always a humbling experience. You looked down at your passport ID for the hundredth time, grimacing at how dead you looked in the grainy picture. 

“It’s not that bad. And see, the light hit your eyes perfectly,” Edira promised, but it didn’t fix the frown on your face as you focused on each blemish and pore that was exacerbated tenfold in the tiny image that represented who you were across country lines. 

“Easy for you to say, you look the same as you did in your headshots on the branch website..” 

You looked at her from the bed, watching the back of her sandy grey-blonde head shake with a sigh. The business woman rapidly typed away on her glowing laptop, seemingly irritated by the crashing waves outside the open sliding doors. 

“Well, if you really want we can get it taken again, when I put my last name on there too.” 

At that, you were quiet. Moving in together, and now vacations across boarders…. Her reference to marriage shouldn’t have been shocking, but it put all other thoughts in your brain to a stop. You didn’t really want to marry her, did you? Your blackmailing boss who was more like a war general than a tender lover, one who daydreamed about bending you over her desk more than what flowers she’d want at the ceremony venue. The possibility of staring into her bleak expression at an empty, cold courthouse and being forced to elope was something that made your frown droop even further. 

The sad excuse of a wedding depressed you more than the thought of marrying Edira at all. 

But you shook that despairing vision out of your head-- you were here to relax, to get away from the stress of your office environment (your coworkers)  and neverending projects with cutthroat deadlines (running reports and files to Edira as soon as she requests them.)

“Well, I still don’t know how I convinced you to let us do this. I mean, I didn’t think you ever took vacations. When’s the last time you went on a trip that wasn’t for work?”

Edira stopped her clacking, french tips scraping along one of the computer’s keys. 

“This is my first. I never had any reason to use my PTO days, until now.”

Wow, you really WERE dating a workaholic. What kind of insane person doesn’t use their personal days the second they get the chance? If you had been more than a temp, you would’ve taken all of yours the second Edira tried to indoctrinate you into her little play “date” plan.

“Well then why are you doing work!? This is one of the few times you can get away with not being available every other second of the day. You’ve been on your computer since we got on the plane-- isn’t it time we actually, you know, vacationed?”

Edira returned to her email writing. “They might need me, I’m the only one who has access to the other branches’ inf--”

“C’monn, I think they’ll be fine without you for an hour or two. Otherwise, what was the point of coming here..” You hopped to the screen doors, opening the curtains to see the glimmering ocean right outside your suite.The sand rippled with the blowing wind, completely void of footsteps or life.  “I mean we LITERALLY have the ocean right here and you’d rather stare at your laptop.” 

Edira hummed, not convinced. 

Yikes; If you wanted to explore the island you were supposed to be vacationing on, you’d need to pull out the big guns. 

“You’d rather focus on your work than… spend time with me?” Your voice cracked, looking at the ships far away from your corner of the coast. It was physically sickening to sweeten yourself up in order to get Edira’s favor. But how else could you actually use this once-in-a-lifetime chance to swim in the Indian Ocean, to experience something, anything, outside of your boring desk job and droning urban life. 

At your buttered up question, Edira paused. You could see her looking at you from the corner of her eye, unreadable. 

She shut her laptop. Pushing away from the desk she sighed, running a sharp hand through her hair, tight jaw clenching and unclenching. 

“Put your bathing suit on.” Was all she said, unzipping the back of her form-fitting dress. 

You didn’t say anything, no claps of excitement or relentless thank you’s-- lest she change her mind to ruin your fun. You hurried to change your shorts and souvenir shirt (A present from the airport gift shop; Edira saw you eyeing it) as the businesswoman walked to the master bathroom. 

You prayed to be faster than her, hoping she wouldn’t catch you in a position that sparked her lust.

You were running around looking for sunscreen and towels when she came out, hands on her hips and dark sunglasses propped on her head. Even in her backless one piece, she looked like an executive on a business trip,  hard glare in her eyes and a muted black covering the front of her body. From the back however, a different person was hidden. The cheeky bottoms exposed nearly the full of her, well, bottom, as ruffled locks of hair fell like messy feathers down her shoulders, exposed to the salty wind. She was the sexy women in swimsuit magazines, meant to be a fantasy of maturity and dominance way out of your league. But here she was, looking you up and down as you hopped on one foot to try and grab a towel on the other side of the bed. 

“You know, i’m not really a big fan of the beach. I don’t know why I picked this place… should’ve chosen the mountains or something. Someplace we wouldn’t be bothered.”

Someplace she could have you all to herself, she meant. Somewhere you wouldn’t be distracted by things to do and  would come looking to her for warmth by the fire. 

“Maybe next vacation!” You hoped, praying that it turned the cogs in her machine brain to take you somewhere else, anywhere else, soon. “Meanwhile, we have our own private beach, thanks to you. We’ll only be bothered by the occasional seaweed. And maybe a fish or two.”

You gathered up the beach necessities in your arms, full of towels and a beach umbrella, along with small must-haves like water bottles and sunscreen spray cans. Edira looked at you with an incredilous stare, grabbing the towels and water from your hands to shove into her beach bag. 

“Yeah, didn’t really think of that.” You said, noticing how most of the things you grabbed could be fit into her infinite ‘lifes a beach’ tote-- complementary from your Airbnb hosts.

“Let’s go.” 

She walked out to the naked patio, locking her pointer finger with yours as you hiked the umbrella on your shoulder. You had come to learn Edira well; she didn’t like the sun, hated most gelatinous sugary mixtures, and was incredibly stubborn if an activity included something she found beneath her. Getting sand between her toes, included. 

You found a place far away from the shore and began spinning the umbrella’s pole into the ground. Edira would surely make use of its shade, but the ocean was calling your name as she sat down on her beach towel, squinting behind her sunglasses. 

“I can see the harbor from across the water; not particularly private, I’d say. The hosts’ll make sure to hear about this when we leave.”

“It’s private enough. What, did you want to go skinny dipping or something?” You laughed, clumping sand at the base of the umbrella with your foot. “The press would have a field day.”

You flumped down next to her, happy to be out of that stuffy, although beautiful, beach house that reminded you too much of Edira’s apartment. The warm sand was comforting, shells and rocks placed around you like little treasures. 

“If I want to go skinny dipping with you I should be able to, not have to worry about some fisherman watching while I touch you.” She pulled at your thigh, placing her hand on the inside as she lifted up her sunglasses. “Or maybe, you’d like that, letting them watch you frolick and squirm. Maybe we should find out if they can really see us--”

She had the full intention of digging under your bottoms to make a statement, but your reaction time to her had improved. 

“You’re such a worrywart, can we just swim now please? It’s better than sitting her in the hot sun, on the sticky sand..” You knew you caught her when she turned her nose at the mention of the sun, only worsening as she started to feel the sand cover her feet. 

She was a priss through and through, and sometimes it worked in your favor.

“Fine… but if I’m touched by something slimy I can’t help what I do.” 

You grinned with your teeth, unable to hold back a smile at finally getting to experience the beginning of your vacation. 

You ran to the waves crashing against the sand, feeling them flick up at your ankles and knees as you waded in the water.

You turned around to walk backwards into the sea, watching as the woman hesitantly took out a hairtie that once had her hair in a high pony. 

“Come on! Slowpoke!” 

Edira reached the gap between land and water, frowning at schools of tiny fish and jagged rocks that would surely make it hard to walk in heels the next morning. 

You had to drag her further, holding her outstretched hand as she let you lead her deeper into the water. 

“It’s not so bad, right? Nothing slimy thus far…”

“Something’s definitely touching my leg.” She remarked, linking arms with you as if you were a safety floaty. “And it smells like fish.”

You both trudged far enough from shore, a little more than waist deep as you watched the sun near the horizon line. 

You took a moment to look at it, staring as the boats pass by from far away, seeing the empty houses on the beach neighboring yours between areas of trees. 

Edira turned towards you, the same moment something coming to grip your bottom. 

“Something nabbed me!” You nearly shrieked, only to feel the same sensation on your other cheek, pulling you forward against Edira. She had her arms wrapped behind you, squeezing your ass like it was dough to be kneaded. 

“Thought I was the scared one, hm?” 

You looked away, putting your hands against Edira’s abdomen. She leered over you, ignoring your attempts to create distance as she caged you in. The waves pushed you together, water swaying as her legs brushed against your knees deep below. 

“don't look away from me now, you're too adorable like this…”

She watched your eyes barely peek up, defensive fists flattening against the bare of her collarbone. She was almost spotless, save for a few sun-kissed freckles sprinkled here and there. 

Edira grinned a wolfy smirk. Even despite her discomfort in the sea she knew you were wrapped around her finger, nervous lips twitching while watching her bring a hand from your bottom to your neck.

Her hands  were salty and wet from the sea, pulling at the base of your head to bring you closer. The workaholic almost seemed to begin destressing as her nose pressed against yours.. Edira nuzzled with her forehead pressed to your sweaty one, fine fingers caressing downward to grab your jaw. 

Without warning, her tongue perched itself against your cheek, turning your face to the side as she ran a long stripe up to your temple. It was wet and full, drawing out her time to savor the flavor and discomfort of your expression. 

“What are you--”

“Salty.” She murmured. “You're so soft, getting all mushy in my arms.” Edira laughed-- a real laugh, with a small snort as she leaned into you. She was so close, the intimate entertwining of your bodies so unusual from her normal obscurity.

It was hard not to look petulant when her eyes peered down at you with a gleam, as if you were a cute drunk thing at the bar she wanted to take home safe, or a pampered puppy ready to be suffocated with attention. 

“So cute.. might make me jealous letting all these boatmen see you in such a little bathing suit.” She teased, progressively in a better mood now with the clouds blocking the sun and your body so cooperative in her grasp. 

“Jealous?” You rolled your eyes. “Oh noo, I could never imagine my girlfriend being jealous.”

All the times of her domineering possessive behavior ran through your head, the sarcastic comment truly not detailing how severe she had gone.  

“I am your girlfriend…” she grinned, kissing your shoulder with a tight grip arpund your hips. “Now that I hear it,I want more… it sounds too, loose.”

Wait, did you really call her your “girlfriend”? Hell, maybe the sun was starting to get to you. 

“We'll it’s not like we can get MARRIED, haha,” you awkwardly brush off how romantic she's being all of a sudden, soft circles created by her nails running along the dip of your back. “I mean… right? We're too uncommitted for marriage, and I mean who would want to marry someone the’re in a fake relationship with.”

You couldn’t tell if you were talking about her or you anymore. Edira’s chest pressed against yours, arms tentatively keeping you trapped against her. 

“Mm… Still feels fake to you?” She questioned In your neck, surprisingly calmer than you expected her to be at that comment. “How much more do I need to convince you that this is real,” Those soft lips came to brush against your ear. “That you’re not going anywhere.”

[swanqueenelmaxshadowhunters]

champagne supernova

summary - After the events in Sokovia, Wanda goes to live at the Avengers compound and there she ends up getting closer to Natasha, someone she initially thought hated her. Natasha had every reason in the world to hate Wanda, but seeing her so lost and broken with Pietro's death made Natasha, even if unconsciously, take on a protective stance towards Wanda, and the closer they got, the more a feeling that Natasha never thought she could really feel came to the surface. Clint invites them to spend Christmas with his family, feeling that some time away from the Avengers compound would do them good. And he wasn't wrong.

warning(s) — Fluff, Light Angst, Hurt/Comfort, More Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Christmas Fluff, Canon Divergence, post Age of Ultron, My First Work in This Fandom, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Soft Natasha Romanov, Wanda Maximoff Needs a Hug, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, mentions of Pietro, No Wanda/Vision, no nat/bruce, Natasha is a big softie, also is wanda, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Lesbian Wanda Maximoff, Lesbian Natasha Romanov, Mild Smut, Eventual Smut minors DNI please word count: 14,550k

Natasha felt her heart ache with agony when Hulk’s image disappeared from the screen. She knew Bruce had been battling with his own demons for a long time and even after joining the Avengers and saving the world more than they count, even now that they had found a way to put Hulk to sleep with ease, he still couldn’t relax. He was always on alert. And things only got worse after they met the Maximmof’s twins and Wanda used her abilities to make him lose control and attack and destroy everything in his path. Nat sighed deeply, trying not to show any emotions in that ship surrounded by so many people she didn’t know. 

“So, where’s Bruce?” Fury asked, appearing at her side. 

“I don’t know. He turned off the communication system and kept the Quinjet in stealth mood.”

“Well, at least the Quinjet is completely equipped. He’ll be fine.” Fury sighed, running a hand through his head. “Go get some rest, there’s nothing we can do for now.” 

“Where are the others?” 

“Barton and Rogers are in the infirmary. Tony rescued Thor after the city blew up and they were thrown down, and Vision just left Wanda here a moment ago.” 

“Where is Pietro?” 

Natasha felt tears welling up once again at Fury just shaking his head. “How?” 

“Ultron’s final attack.” 

“Where’s Wanda?” 

“She’s down there, with Pietro.” 

Natasha nodded and without saying anything else started her way to the lower levels of the ship. She wasn’t sure why she was going to check on Wanda, why she cared, especially after what she did, entering her mind, bringing back her worst memories, but still. 

It didn’t take long for Natasha to locate Wanda and despite everything, it broke her heart to see her like that: her head on Pietro’s chest as her tears streamed down her face silently. She wasn’t sure what she would do or say as Wanda probably held them accountable for losing her brother, and in a way she was right. If Tony hadn’t created Ultron none of this would have happened. She also knew that Tony meant well but still. 

Natasha sighed and approached them slowly, not wanting to startle Wanda, and not wanting to invade her final moments with her brother, but definitely not wanting her to be alone right now. She didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t very good at it, and the fact that she barely knew them didn’t help at all. Each person reacted differently to their grief, and Natasha had no idea how Wanda would react to her presence there.

“What?” 

Wanda’s heavy accent and annoyed tone pulled her out of her thoughts. “Sorry, I just wanted to check on you.” Nat sighed, kneeling beside her.

“Why? Want to make sure I won’t use my powers to kill everyone in here?” 

Natasha’s brow furrowed. Why would she think that?

“So?” 

“I’m sorry.” Natasha shook her head. “No one here thinks you will do such a thing. I just- I’m not going to ask if you’re okay because that would be a really stupid question, I guess I just didn’t want you to be alone right now.” She shrugged. 

“Why?” 

“I won’t pretend I know how you’re feeling but I know the feeling of losing someone you loved.” Natasha said softly, more softly than she ever thought possible regarding Wanda but then her eyes flickered to Pietro’s body and well… 

God, she was exhausted. She sat on the floor and leaned back, her whole body sore, her muscles complaining against the awkward position and the hard floor beneath her. 

“So, what happens to me now?” Wanda asked after a minute. 

“As far as I am concerned, you stay with us.” Natasha said, running a hand through her hair. “I mean, unless you don’t want to.” 

“And where exactly would I go now?” 

Natasha opened and closed her mouth a few times before settling for silence. She knew the implications of what Wanda said - she had lost everything, everyone. She didn’t have anywhere to go. 

“I know.” Natasha exhaled deeply. “What I meant is that you don’t have to stay at the compound, or with us at all. I know that you hate us, that you hate Tony.” She bit her lip, thinking about the options. “I mean, I hope that despite everything, you decide to stay with us, but if not, then I’m sure Fury can help find a place for you.” 

Natasha saw the surprise in the way Wanda’s eyes widened a bit at her words, at the way her brows rose, and she was surprised herself, but she realized that she meant it. Even if she was still mad at Wanda for invading her mind and making her relieve her worst memories, she knew what it was like to be completely alone and with nowhere to go, and she didn’t want that for her. 

“You’re right, I don’t like Stark, but you and the others aren’t so bad.” 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. That was new. And good, maybe. “What made you change your mind about us?”

“Your friend, the arrow guy, he could have let me die down there when I froze, but he didn’t. He saved me. He said that it didn’t matter what I did or who I was, and he didn’t blame me for what was happening. He said that I had the choice to stay hidden and he would send Pietro to get me but if I decided to fight, the moment I walked through that door I would be an Avenger.” 

“Yeah, this is how Clint is.” Natasha smiled genuinely despite everything. “Look, what happened can’t be changed, unfortunately, so, if you decide to stay with us, I promise you that we won’t hold what happened in Sokovia against you. It is your fault as much as ours. But the moment you stepped out of that door, after Clint peeptalk, you became an Avenger and we will help you.”

“As long as Stark is not the one responsible for me, I’m okay with it.” 

“Don’t worry, he won’t be.” Natasha smiled tiredly. 

Before she could say anything else they felt the ship preparing to begin its descent for landing. As soon as the ship stopped they made their way to the higher levels. Natasha nodded as they walked past Fury and led Wanda into the compound. 

“Nat! Wanda!” Clint’s voice stopped them as they were about to enter the building where the living area was. “Thank God you guys are okay.” 

“I wouldn’t say okay, but we are alive.” Natasha said. “How are you?” 

“I’ll be okay.” He smiled weakly. “Look, I spoke to Fury and he will take care of everything-” Clint gestured vaguely. 

“Thank you.” 

Wanda said absently and Nat could only imagine all the mixed emotions she was going through right now. She knew there wasn’t much they could do other than that but still.

“So, I’ll head to the farm, call me if you guys need anything.” Clint said when they remained silent. 

“Thanks, Clint, we’ll do.” Nat smiled tiredly. “C’mon, Wanda, let’s find a room for you.” She put a hand on Wanda’s shoulder, not even realizing what she was doing until they started walking into the building. 

Natasha led Wanda straight to one of the rooms, she could show the place around later. 

“My room is just across the hall.” She pointed to a room with a closed door. “You will find average clothes in the dresser and everything you need in the bathroom if you want to take a bath. God knows I do.” Natasha exhaled shakily. “Just let me know if you need anything, ok?

“I guess you want your jacket back.” Wanda said flatly as she started to remove the item.

“You can keep it. It looks good on you.” Natasha stopped her movements gently. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, I was just messing around back in the church.” 

“Okay then.” Wanda smiled, pulling the jacket back. 

Natasha nodded and went to her room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she started removing her suit and went straight to the bathroom. She filled the bathtub and let her body sink in the hot water as all the feelings from that long week came crashing down on her. 

She felt a mix of exhaustion, anger and sadness simmer beneath the surface, reminders of Ultron’s destruction, Bruce's departure, and the countless losses they had endured along the way. Yet, under it all, she couldn’t shake the nagging awareness of Wanda just down the hall. 

Here was this girl - no, woman - who had lost so much in the span of a single battle. Her face, streaked with tears, haunted Natasha’s mind. It felt strange to feel protective toward her after everything. She wasn’t sure what had compelled her to sit by Wanda's side earlier, other than the raw understanding of how it felt to have no one, to feel like the world would swallow you whole in the quiet after a tragedy. That’s why she avoided being alone, because being alone made her think about life, and loss, and herself. And she hated it. 

Inhaling deeply, Natasha sank a little deeper into the water, closing her eyes to let the warmth seep in. Her muscles started to loosen and she let herself relax a little bit. They had defeated Ultron, Strucker was dead, and for now they didn’t have any monsters or enemies to defeat, besides their own. 

The images of the Red Room started to resurface and Natasha let out a long sigh. It would take her some time to push all those memories away again. She should be fuming at Wanda because of it, but for some reason she couldn’t put her finger on, she couldn’t bring herself to be really mad at her. 

Once her skin began to prune, Natasha reluctantly got out, wrapping a towel around herself and padding barefoot across the floor to her room. She slipped into a loose shirt and sweatpants, and she glanced toward the door, wondering if Wanda was still awake. Maybe she should check on her? Just to make sure she was settled.

Before she could change her mind, Natasha crossed the hall and knocked lightly on Wanda's door. The soft rustle behind the door confirmed that Wanda's was still up, and after a moment, it cracked open. 

"Natasha? Is everything okay?" Wanda’s eyes, still a little red, met hers, surprised but not displeased.

"Yeah, I-" Natasha scratched her neck. "I just want to check how you're settling in, if you need anything." She shrugged.

Wanda tilted her head, confusion all over her face but she stepped aside so Natasha could enter. She looked like she’d washed up too, hair damp, face scrubbed clean, but the sadness hadn’t left her eyes. 

“I’m okay, considering everything, I guess.”

Natasha glanced around the room, knowing what she would find there; the plainness, the sparse, impersonal feel. She knew better than anyone how stark the compound felt to someone who wasn’t used to it, especially to someone grieving. Maybe she should take Wanda shopping, this way they could turn this cold room into something more like… home.

“I thought…” Natasha paused, weighing her words. “I thought maybe you’d like some company. The nights here can be pretty lonely.”

“I-” Wanda blinked, surprised. “Thank you, Natasha.” 

Natasha did her best to ignore how her heart raced or how her stomach fluttered at the way Wanda said her name, with that heavy accent of hers and those big, enchanting, green eyes that seemed to see through her soul. 

“Are you hungry? I can make something for us or we can order anything.” Natasha said, desperately wanting to change her thoughts to something else. 

“I didn’t know you cook.” 

“I know my way around the kitchen.” Natasha shrugged, trying her best to avoid Wanda’s inquiring eyes and the little grin on her lips. “C’mon, let’s see if there is anything we can put together as a meal or if the boys already eat it all.”

They left the room in silence, and Nat was glad that Wanda simply agreed. She could feel Wanda’s eyes roaming around the place as they walked through the corridors down to the kitchen. 

“Of course you would be here.” Natasha teased as she saw Sam in the kitchen. 

“Nat!” He smiled. “Oh, hi!” He said to Wanda. “I don’t think we were properly introduced. I’m Sam.” 

“Hi, Sam.” She shook his hand. “I’m Wanda.” 

“I’m sorry for your brother.” 

“Thank you.” 

Natasha watched the exchange in silence, attentive to Wanda’s reaction. She knew it could be overwhelming but she also knew that Sam was one of the most easy going among them all. It was easy to feel relaxed around him. 

“So, is there anything to eat in this place or you and Steve have already finished everything?” 

“Ouch.” 

Natasha smiled and started going through the cabinets and the fridge in search of something to eat. “Hey, Wanda, how do you feel about mac and cheese?” She had no idea what Wanda liked but pretty much everyone she knew liked mac and cheese. 

“I guess it’s okay.” 

Natasha looked over her shoulder and offered a small grin to Wanda. 

“I love mac and cheese.” Sam said, stuffing another bite of sandwich in his mouth. 

“Aren’t you already eating?” 

“I never say no to mac and cheese.” 

Natasha only shook her head and grabbed everything she would need to put the meal together. She could feel Wanda’s eyes on her, curious, grateful and confused at the same time. It was a weird connection that she felt towards Wanda, but it wasn’t unpleasant. 

“Hey, Sam, can you put the table, please?” 

“Can I help?” 

“Sure.” Nat smiled softly. “Sam, please, show her where everything is.” 

Natasha watched them for a moment, and was grateful for how easy going Sam was. Maybe the fact that Wanda had not entered his mind was a plus for how good they were getting along but still. 

"So when do we start training?" Sam asked as they ate.

"What training?" Wanda perked up. 

“Fury wants Steve and I to train you guys, but I asked him for a few days so you can settle.” Natasha said. “Also you probably need new clothes and stuff.” 

“Yeah, well, we destroyed my home to save the world, after all.” 

Natasha sighed. She could feel all the mixed emotions in Wanda’s voice, and the worst part is that she was right. Of course, she would take the same decision over and over, but still. 

After they ate, Wanda helped them to clean everything and excused herself back to her room. Natasha watched as she disappeared through the halls, not sure what to do next. Should she go after Wanda and actually make her some company or it was better to leave her alone for a while? 

“So, I heard things were pretty rough for you guys there. Are you okay?” 

For a second Natasha nearly jumped, but then she remembered Sam was still in the kitchen. 

“Rough is an understatement but we’ll be okay.” 

“She can really enter our minds…” Sam gestured vaguely. 

“Yes, but I don’t think she’ll do this again unless it’s really needed.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I don’t know.” Natasha shrugged. “Maybe because I know what it is like to be in her position.”

“Fair enough.” Sam nodded. “Well, you should get some rest as well.”

“I will.” 

(...)  

Wanda closed the door behind her and let her body slide down to the ground. She pulled her legs up to her chest and let the tears she had been holding back finally fall down her face. Images of the last few hours played through her mind, over and over, as she tried to see what had gone wrong, how she could have let Pietro die, what she could have done, how she was all alone now; thrown into a country that wasn't hers, in a place surrounded by strangers. Strangers who she had hurt, in one way or another. Strangers who, despite having every right in the world, didn't seem angry with her.

Especially Natasha. She hadn't seen what memories it had awakened in her, when she entered her mind, but for some reason she didn't understand, Wanda could feel the weight of those memories, and she knew that it had affected Natasha deeply. 

She wanted to apologize to Natasha for that, but she had no idea how to do it, and even less if it would be well received, even though Natasha had been nothing but kind to her since the walk to the compound. Wanda closed her eyes tightly and leaned her head against the door. Tears rolled down her face and sobs made their way to her throat, making her whole body shake.

In the space of just over twenty-four hours, she and Pietro went from villains to heroes, and that was how he died, but that was far from easing the pain, anger and sense of uselessness she felt at that moment. She couldn't even kill the person responsible for his death, since both Ultron and Strucker were already dead.

Wanda wished she could let her powers flow through her body, like she had done in the church, in Sokovia, but that wasn't possible here. She dug her nails into the fabric of the sweatpants, trying to control her powers and tried to focus her thoughts on something else, because she knew that if she kept thinking about Pietro she wouldn't be able to control her powers for much longer.

A flash of red hair and green eyes shone in her mind and then the memories of her brother were slowly being replaced by Natasha; the fight in the church was something that, despite the chaos of the moment, impressed Wanda, because unlike most of them Natasha didn't have special powers, nor special suits, she only relied on her skills, but that didn't make her less than them. She was relentless, precise, strong, and she still managed to be effortlessly attractive. Wanda opened her eyes, shocked by her own thoughts.

During all the years serving Hydra and with her mind focused on her revenge against Stark, Wanda never bothered to think about any kind of relationship, never even entertained the idea of ​​getting involved with anyone, because honestly, who could she get involved with? Certainly not the men of Hydra. And among the citizens of Sokovia there was no one who really sparked her interest to the point of making her deviate from her target, from her revenge, but for some reason, ever since she had laid eyes on Natasha, that idea seemed to always be in the back of her mind, waiting to come to the surface.

"Wanda?" 

A soft knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts and she lifted her head, staring at the door. 

"Wanda, is everything okay? Are you okay?"

"I- I'm fine." She swallowed hard at the sound of Natasha's voice. "Why?"

"Nothing, just checking."

Wanda narrowed her eyes and her thoughts began to race through her mind. Had Natasha somehow felt her powers almost going out of control? Or had it been something else? Wanda hoped it wasn't either of those options, but if it had to be either, she prayed it was the former. She sighed heavily and got up from the floor, running a hand through her hair before opening the door. "I'm okay, see?"

She felt a chill run down her spine at Natasha's piercing gaze, at how her eyes slowly studied her; her face, her body. She knew Natasha was looking for any reaction from her that would indicate the opposite of what she had said, and Wanda was aware that she wasn't very good at hiding her feelings, but after a moment Natasha just nodded and her expression relaxed, giving way to a soft smile.

"Very well."

"Do you want to come in?" Wanda found herself saying.

Wanda felt her heart race when Natasha just arched her eyebrows and smiled, entering her room without saying anything. She waited, fidgeting with the hem of the t-shirt she was wearing, while Natasha also seemed to be searching for words. From what little she had seen of Natasha, she seemed confident and determined, but standing there in the middle of her room with her arms crossed over her chest and biting her lip, Wanda realized there was much more beneath her tough surface.

"I was thinking we could go shopping tomorrow," Natasha said after a while. "Buy clothes and shoes and whatever else you need."

"Sure, I guess."

"Great, we'll leave after breakfast then."

Natasha smiled, and even though it was a genuine smile, Wanda could tell she was nervous.

"Okay."

"I'll be going then." Natasha gestured vaguely.

"Sleep well, Natasha."

"You too, Wanda." She stopped at the door and looked over her shoulder. "If you need anything, just knock on my door."

"Thanks."

As soon as the door closed behind Natasha, Wanda walked to the window and sat on the edge. The large glass window offered a breathtaking view of the compound and the vast greenery around it. She had no idea where the place was, but the view offered a certain calm to her turbulent thoughts, even more so after Natasha's visit.

Wanda couldn't quite understand why they, especially Natasha, were being nice to her after everything that had happened. Sure, Clint had said that from the moment she walked out that door she would become one of them, an Avenger, but she wasn't sure if everyone agreed with that. Especially Tony or Bruce, who happened to be missing. Possibly because of what she had done to his mind. She had seen the destruction the Hulk had caused, and it had been her fault, Wanda was fully aware of that. She knew he hated her, and if she was honest with herself, she expected that feeling from all of them, especially Tony and Natasha, who after Bruce, seemed to have been the most affected by her powers.

But since she had stepped onto the S.H.I.E.L.D. ship, Natasha had been nothing but kind to her, staying by her side and offering silent comfort as she cried over Pietro's body. Wanda felt the hot tears running down her cheeks again and decided that maybe it would be best to try to sleep, to get some rest. The day had been too long and she was too confused and tired to really think about anything. She just wanted to let herself be swallowed up by the pain of her brother's death.

(...)

Natasha stretched, every part of her body aching from the recent battles they had fought. Fighting against super sophisticated robots sucked. She groaned and sat up in bed, reaching for the bedside table in search of some pain medication. After taking the medication, Natasha got up and headed to the bathroom. A hot, relaxing shower would help.

As the hot water jet relaxed her muscles, Natasha thought about the day ahead; breakfast, then taking Wanda shopping and taking the opportunity to grab something to eat. After that she really didn't know what to do, as they had nothing planned for the next few days since everyone agreed that both Wanda and them needed a break.

Maybe she should take the opportunity to show Wanda some sights? But what exactly if Natasha didn't even know what she liked? She shook her head and focused on finishing the shower before the hot water ran out.

"Good morning, boys." Natasha said as she entered the kitchen and came face to face with Steve and Sam.

"Good morning, Nat." They smiled broadly.

"Steve made breakfast."

"Then I better grab something to eat on the way." Natasha joked, accepting the plate of eggs and bacon that Sam was pushing toward her. "Did Wanda come down for breakfast yet?"

"I'm here."

Natasha turned around, smiling broadly at the sound of Wanda's voice. "Hey." She took the plate that Sam had slid toward her and handed it to Wanda.

"Are you guys going somewhere?" Steve asked, looking between the two of them.

"I'm taking Wanda shopping, she needs clothes, girly stuff. You wouldn't understand."

"Oh, okay." Sam and Steve answered together and they laughed at their expressions of slight panic and embarrassment.

After breakfast, Wanda and Natasha went up to their rooms to get ready and met in the living room.

Natasha led them to the compound's vast garage and went straight to her favorite Corvette Stingray.

"Wow, that's-"

She turned with a mischievous smile at Wanda's surprised tone.

"You haven't seen anything yet, get in." Natasha winked and got in the driver's side.

Natasha sped up, showing off a little and laughing at Wanda's expression. They left the compound towards the city and in a short time they were in downtown New York. She knew the crowds there could be overwhelming, but it was also good for distracting, especially in Wanda's state. Natasha drove the car to a neighborhood that concentrated most of the stores with clothes in the style she thought Wanda would like, because from the little she had the chance to observe her, Natasha doubted she cared about designer labels and renowned brands.

She was pleased to see that she was right about that, and before long the two of them were carrying enough bags that they had to make a trip to the car. At first Wanda was reluctant to accept Natasha paying for everything, but with some talking she managed to convince Wanda.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving." Natasha said as they loaded the last few bags into the car.

"I never knew shopping could make you so hungry."

"Right?" Natasha smiled. "Come on, let's get something to eat."

(...)

When they arrived back at the compound, they went straight to Wanda's room.

"So, did you have fun today?"

Natasha asked as she placed the bags next to her bed, and despite her tiredness, Wanda definitely felt a little lighter. Natasha's company was better than she could have imagined.

"I had a lot of fun today. Thank you, Natasha."

"You're welcome."

Natasha winked playfully, or rather tried to, which caused Wanda to smile softly.

"I really mean it."

"I know."

Natasha's expression changed from playful to more serious, but it was still gentle and soft. Wanda felt her heart race at the understanding she saw in Natasha's gaze, and she really couldn't comprehend how that was possible.

"Hey, talk to me." 

Wanda felt like a thousand butterflies were flying inside her when Natasha took a step towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Her voice was soft and concerned, as was her gaze, and it left Wanda dizzy. 

"I- I just- I don't understand why you, of all people, have been so kind to me." 

Natasha smiled, and shook her head slightly. Her red hair falling slightly into her eyes. "Remember what Clint told you? It doesn't matter what you did, or who you were." 

"Still." Wanda held her gaze. "I haven't seen the things I put you through, but I could feel the weight of the visions I caused you and it's overwhelming." 

"You're right, it is overwhelming, but I've dealt with it once and I'll deal with it again." Natasha said gently. "My past is ugly and red, for the most part, but I got a second chance when I met Clint. And although your powers have brought up memories I would rather have remained buried deep inside, I refuse to let it dominate me." 

Wanda wanted to ask, wanted to know about Natasha's past, the good and the bad. For some reason she didn't yet understand, she wanted to know every piece of that mysterious woman, but she knew it wasn't the time, and that if Natasha wanted, she would share of her own free will.

Natasha was so strong, so resilient. Wanda wanted to be a little like her, but most of the time she felt like she was drowning.

"How do you do it?" Wanda asked, her lips trembling slightly.

"How do I do what?" Natasha frowned.

"How do you stay so strong?"

Natasha chuckled and shook her head. "Do you think I'm strong?" Gently she took Wanda's hand and guided her to the edge of the bed. "I'm far from strong, but there are specific people I choose to show my vulnerability to."

Wanda nodded absently, too overwhelmed by all the things she was feeling at that moment. "Still, it's more than I can be right now," She said after a moment. "I feel like this wave washes over me, again and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again and it’s just gonna drown me."

"Grief is a day-to-day process," Natasha said gently. "It's something that lasts a lifetime, I think." 

Wanda noticed Natasha's gaze grow distant, and she wondered who she had lost. 

"Grief, the worst of it, hits us when we least expect it. At first, we think that the loss of the person we love is something that will crush us, that pain in our chest, the feeling of numbness, the lack of will to do anything, but then all of that starts to become less and less and we move on with life. Until one day, something simple brings it all back, a thousand times worse." 

Natasha used the back of her free hand to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall, and Wanda wished she could do it for her. 

"The worst part of grief, of missing the person, is not the beginning. It's one day when you're doing something and you think 'he would like that.' or you see something on TV, hear a song, or anything really, and you immediately think of that person, you want to share it with them and they're not there. It never gets easier, but at least for me, grief comes from a place of love. It's a love that endures."

"You lost someone." 

Wanda found herself saying. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, and Natasha looked at her for a moment before nodding. 

"I know how you feel, and that's why I want you to know that you're not alone, okay?" 

Wanda knew Natasha wouldn't go into details now, after all, they barely knew each other. She had been incredibly kind, but Wanda knew there were limits for now. And she was okay with that. 

"Thank you, Natasha." 

"Anytime." 

(...)

As the days went by, things started to fall into place and return to a sense of normalcy. The new members' training began, and it was going better than Steve or Natasha had expected.

At first, Wanda had a little difficulty with the physical part of the training, the hours in the gym doing exercises and physical fights - usually with Natasha - but in a few weeks she got the hang of it.

Little by little they started doing some simple missions to see how the new members were performing, how they controlled their abilities and everything else, and both Sam and Wanda were doing very well.

Tony hardly showed up at the compound, which was a relief for Wanda. Natasha taught her how to drive, in addition to the Avenger training, but she still didn't feel comfortable driving around.

Thanksgiving was celebrated simply, just Wanda, Natasha, and Steve at the compound, although Clint had insisted that they go to the farm. Sam had spent the holiday with his sister and nephews.

The week before Christmas, Natasha finally gave in to Clint's insistence and agreed to go to the farm. She had convinced Wanda to go with her, also at Clint's insistence, and since he didn't want her to be alone at the compound.

They stopped in town to buy Christmas presents for the Bartons and from there they left for the farm.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to spend Christmas with you guys?" Wanda asked again.

Nat smiled, glancing sideways at her, not really taking her eyes off the road. She could feel the nervousness rolling off Wanda in waves.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, Clint's sure too."

"Okay." Wanda said absently, fiddling with the hem of her sweatshirt.

When Natasha parked near the main house, she barely had time to unbuckle her seatbelt before Lila was already running toward her, her small feet kicking up dirt and snow on the gravel path.

"Auntie Nat!" 

Without hesitation, Natasha swung open the door and stepped out, instantly lifting the little girl into her arms. Lila's small body melted against her, and Natasha couldn't help but smile, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Ouch, you've gotten big, kiddo."

Lila giggled and wrapped her arms around Natasha’s neck, her cheek against Natasha's. 

Natasha glanced over her shoulder at Wanda, who was still standing on the other side of the car, a little more reserved but watching them with a quiet smile. Natasha gave a subtle nod, inviting her closer. 

"Lila, this is my friend Wanda," Natasha said gently, keeping her hold on the girl. "Say 'hi' to Wanda."

Lila pulled back slightly, giving Wanda a curious look before offering a shy but warm smile. "Hi."

The greeting was simple, but there was an undeniable softness in Lila’s voice, like she instinctively knew Wanda was someone safe. 

"Hi, Lila." 

There was something almost maternal in the way she spoke to the little girl, a tenderness Natasha hadn’t quite expected, but welcomed.

Before Natasha could say anything else, Lila tucked her face into her neck, her small arms tightening around her. 

Natasha laughed quietly, and just then, a familiar voice broke through the moment. "Well, look who decided to show up!"

Natasha turned, smiling brightly at the sight of Laura standing on the porch with little Nathaniel in her arms, his eyes wide and curious as he stared at the newcomers. 

"Hey, Laura," Natasha grinned, shifting Lila just slightly so she could wave.

Laura’s grin was warm, and her eyes were sparking with amusement. "I was starting to think you'd forgotten the way out here."

"Never," Natasha replied, her smile softening as she looked at the family she'd come to care for so much. 

They approached the porch and Natasha set Lila down. Laura sent the little girl to get Clint and Cooper, who were in the barn tinkering with the old tractor.

Natasha wagged her fingers at Nathaniel, who immediately reached forward.

"Oh, look at you, all soft with kids. Who would have thought," Wanda said, but there was no malice in her voice, just genuine surprise.

Natasha felt her cheeks immediately flush. Even though she and Wanda had grown quite close since the events in Sokovia, this was the first time she had seen her outside the compound, so carefree and somehow vulnerable.

Natasha had told Wanda bits and pieces about her bond with Clint’s family, about the kids, but this was the first time Wanda had witnessed it firsthand. The surprise was there, quiet but clear.

"Oh, Nat here is such a softie," Laura teased.

Natasha lifted her head slightly, her eyes narrowing as she shot Laura a look. "Traitor," she muttered under her breath.

Laura just grinned, clearly enjoying the moment. "What? It's true."

Natasha rolled her eyes, but the corners of her mouth curled up despite herself. She’d always tried to keep her distance, maintain the tough exterior, but the Barton’s were more her family than she would ever admit out loud because saying it out loud would make it real and she couldn’t afford to lose another family. 

Natasha met Wanda’s gaze, and held it for a moment. The way Wanda was looking at her made her feel things she never thought possible. Not with her past. She heard Lila’s and Cooper laughter as they approached them and this seemed to break the moment between them. 

“I have my moments,” Natasha said with a small, playful smile.

"Nat! Wanda!"

Clint's voice made them turn and Natasha smiled widely. His eyes were shining with mischief and he glanced between her and Wanda with raised eyebrows and a knowing smirk. She narrowed her eyes at him, but Clint didn't even flinch.

"I'm glad you decided to join us." He hugged her tightly, and then hugged Wanda. "Let's go inside, it's getting cold fast."

Natasha smiled, feeling her heart warm at the ease of Clint's relationship with Wanda. It was as if he had taken on the role of big brother, mentor, or whatever it was he did, and it worked well. She noticed how the tension was slowly leaving Wanda's shoulders.

The inside of the house was warm and inviting; the fireplace was lit and there were a few toys scattered on the floor, papers and crayons spread out on the coffee table, a bottle, a baby blanket, and some half-eaten gingerbread cookies on a plate.

As they stepped inside, the warmth of the Barton’s home wrapped around Natasha and Wanda, bringing with it the scent of wood smoke, fresh pine, and something cinnamon-sweet baking in the kitchen. Wanda glanced around, a quiet curiosity softening her usual guarded expression. It was a side of her Natasha rarely saw; calm, open, almost like she was letting her guard down bit by bit.

Natasha caught her gaze lingering on the family photos lining the walls. Each picture told a story: Clint and Laura on their wedding day, Clint and Cooper covered in mud from some backyard project, Lila in a princess dress with a bright, toothy smile. Natasha nudged Wanda gently, pulling her out of her trance. 

“Welcome to the chaos,” Natasha murmured with a soft smirk.

Wanda’s lips curved into a smile, her eyes still tracing over the photographs. “It’s…nice. Feels like home.”

Before Natasha could say anything, Clint reappeared with Cooper and Lila racing behind him, already caught up in some sibling rivalry and ran towards the kitchen, returning a second later. Cooper was carrying two mugs of hot chocolate, which Natasha was pretty sure Laura had spiked with vodka or whiskey. 

"Mom said to give them to you guys, it'll help ward off the cold."

"She said, huh?" Natasha accepted the mugs and handed one to Wanda.

She ruffled Cooper's hair and he clung to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Natasha's smile softened and widened, and her gaze met Laura's over the boy's head. "Thanks." She lifted the mug slightly to Laura, who did the same from the kitchen.

Cooper beamed, his cheeks flushing slightly. Lila, never one to be outdone, immediately tugged at Natasha’s sleeve. “Auntie Nat, we made cookies for you!” She pointed proudly toward the kitchen, where Laura was pulling a fresh tray from the oven, the scent filling the entire room.

“Oh, you did, huh?” Lila nodded enthusiastically, running back into the kitchen and rocking back on her heels as Laura placed the cookies on a plate.

Clint appeared beside them, smiling proudly as he watched his children. He looked from Natasha to Wanda and smirked. 

“Think you can handle that, Maximoff?”

Natasha snorted, a rare, carefree sound that seemed to make Wanda’s eyes brighten with curiosity, as if she wanted to hear it again and it made her heart skip some beats. Clint took that as his cue to clap his hands and rally everyone. 

"Alright, alright, movie time! We need your votes: are we going classic Christmas, or one of those superhero movies Cooper keeps insisting are 'totally holiday-appropriate'?"

Natasha laughed, shaking her head. "Classic, definitely. I think we've all seen enough superheroes for now." There was a flicker of amusement on Wanda's face, something Natasha rarely saw.

The group made their way to the living room, where Laura had already transformed the space with blankets and pillows spread across couches and the floor. Lila made a beeline for Natasha, curling up beside her and resting her head on Natasha's shoulder as they settled in. Meanwhile, Cooper took the seat next to Wanda, stealing occasional glances her way as if she were something magical and rare and Natasha couldn't help but smile. 

Once the movie started, the room grew quiet, the atmosphere softened by the flickering firelight and the comforting sounds of popcorn crunching. Wanda, sitting beside Natasha, seemed to lose some of her usual guarded tension, taking in the warmth of the room and this feeling of belonging that wrapped around them. Natasha felt Wanda’s shoulder brush hers lightly, the simple touch filling the space with an unexpected sense of peace that lingered between them as they watched the screen together.

(...)

The morning broke crisp and bright, sunlight gleaming off the fresh layer of snow that blanketed the Barton farm. Natasha was savoring her first sip of coffee when Lila and Cooper burst into the kitchen, voices ringing with excitement.

"Auntie Nat! Wanda! It snowed!" Lila squealed, her eyes wide with delight.

Natasha barely had a chance to respond before Cooper tugged on her sleeve. "You have to come out with us! It's perfect for sledding, or snowball fights, or building snow forts!"

Natasha opened her mouth, but Lila had already grabbed Wanda's hand, pulling her toward the door. "You can't say no. It's a rule!" 

Wanda cast a helpless, amused glance at Natasha, wrapped up in Lila's enthusiasm. Natasha rolled her eyes, smothering a smile. "Alright, alright. Just bundle up. It's freezing out there."

Soon enough, they were trudging through the snow, boots crunching over the fresh powder as Cooper and Lila ran ahead, their laughter echoing across the fields. Natasha watched them, taking in the simple joy on their faces as they dashed ahead, caught up in the magic of the snowy morning.

Cooper sprinted ahead, immediately scooping up snow and forming snowballs in his gloved hands, while Wanda knelt down to help Lila pack the snow. Natasha noticed the way Wanda's face softened, absorbed in the task, her gloved fingers shaping smooth snowballs with surprising concentration. It wasn't often that Wanda allowed herself to let go like this, and Natasha couldn’t help but smile as she watched her friend so fully in the moment, mirroring Lila's delight.

"Nat!" Cooper called, pulling her from her thoughts. 

His mischievous grin was a warning she caught just a second too late as a snowball flew through the air, hitting her square on the shoulder. Shaking her head with a chuckle, Natasha crouched down to form her own snowball.

"Oh, you're in for it now, Barton!" she called, tossing a snowball that landed perfectly on Cooper's back. He laughed, dodging behind a tree for cover, the game fully underway.

Natasha caught a glimpse of Wanda watching them, her eyes bright as she observed Natasha's rare carefree moment with the kids. Wanda's gaze held something soft and warm, an expression that Natasha couldn't help but feel a hint of pride in causing.

A small tug on her sleeve brought Natasha's focus to Lila, whose hands were attempting to form a snowball, her face lit up with mischief. Natasha smirked, joining in the playful plotting as she began packing another snowball, catching sight of Wanda doing the same. 

Natasha's gaze sharpened the moment she noticed Wanda's smirk and the playful glint in her eye. Wanda narrowed her focus on Natasha, packing the snowball deliberately, and a thrill ran through Natasha, settling as a faint, unexpected chill down her spine. Her usual poise wavered, replaced by a surprising spark of anticipation at Wanda's challenge.

"Don't even think about it, Maximoff," Natasha warned, raising an eyebrow and taking a cautious step back, though she found herself almost wanting Wanda to ignore the warning.

"Oh, I'm thinking about it," Wanda replied, her smirk deepening. 

Before Natasha could fully prepare, the snowball was already flying toward her, hitting her shoulder in a burst of cold powder that scattered through the air. Natasha laughed, a touch breathless, her heart pounding with the exhilaration of the moment.

For a second, she caught Wanda's gaze and felt her stomach flip. The teasing glint in her eyes felt like something more, something that Natasha didn't often feel; the thrill of letting her guard down, of giving in with someone she trusted.

Natasha laughed, and before Wanda could blink, she scooped up her own handful of snow, sending it flying in a perfect arc that landed squarely on Wanda's chest. 

Wanda's laughter rang out across the open field, a sound so pure and unrestrained that Natasha felt herself pause, caught up in the warmth of it. A smile crept onto her face as she watched Wanda, taking in the sparkle of her eyes and the rare openness of her expression.

"Is that all you've got, Romanoff?" Wanda challenged, shaking the snow from her jacket and stepping closer, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

Natasha grinned, feeling her competitive side flare. "You really don't want to start a snow war with a spy."

"Oh?" Wanda arched an eyebrow, her smile widening, clearly calling Natasha's bluff. 

That spark of challenge between them sent a thrill through Natasha, and she barely had time to react before they were fully immersed in a whirlwind of snowballs, laughter, and scrambling feet as they dodged and ducked around trees and snow piles. 

Lila and Cooper joined in, adding to the chaos, and Natasha found herself caught off-guard more than once by their surprisingly accurate snow missiles. Somewhere in the madness, Cooper slipped, tumbling into the snow and sending Natasha down with him in a playful heap. She barely had time to process it before Wanda rushed over, laughter bubbling up as she offered her hand to Natasha only for Natasha to grin mischievously and pull Wanda down beside her, both of them collapsing into the snow with laughter echoing around them.

After a while, breathless and cheeks tinged pink from the cold, they lay back in the snow, gazing up at the pale blue sky as they caught their breath. Natasha listened to the sound of Wanda's breathing beside her, feeling strangely at ease. She glanced over, taking in the peaceful expression on Wanda's face, her closed eyes and faint smile.

"I think they wore us out," Natasha murmured, an amused warmth in her voice.

Wanda's smile grew, her eyes still closed. "I think I'll let them take the blame," she replied softly, her voice carrying a note of contentment that Natasha couldn't remember hearing before.

Lila and Cooper shared a victorious grin, scrambling to their feet and running toward the house with eager cries of "Hot chocolate time!" Lila shot, already halfway to the door.

As Natasha and Wanda got up, brushing the snow from their coats, Natasha noticed the way Wanda's gaze lingered on her, her eyes shining with a rare, easy happiness. She looked back at Wanda, feeling a strange but undeniable closeness.

"Thanks for indulging them," Natasha said, her voice warm and genuine. "It's been… nice, seeing you like this."

Wanda's smile softened, her eyes meeting Natasha's for a long moment. "I think it's been nice for me, too."

They walked back to the house together, snow clinging to their coats and boots, the quiet warmth of the moment stretching between them.

As they stepped into the living room, Laura took one look at them and shook her head with a knowing smile. "Alright, go take a hot shower and change your clothes. All of you," she added, giving both Natasha and Wanda a firm look.

They followed the kids upstairs, exchanging a bemused glance as they headed to freshen up. By the time they gathered in the kitchen, Laura had laid out steaming mugs of hot cocoa with fluffy marshmallows on top, the room warmed by the crackling fire.

As the afternoon slipped into evening, Clint suggested a round of Christmas movies, and soon the living room was bathed in the soft glow of twinkling lights and the warm flicker of the fire. Natasha settled in, feeling Wanda close beside her, sharing this quiet, festive peace as the day faded into a cozy night.

(...)

Wanda settled in next to Natasha on the couch, her side pressed warmly against Natasha's. Cooper snuggled up on Natasha's other side, while Lila, still a bit drowsy from the day's excitement, climbed onto Natasha's lap, wrapping herself up in her arms with a soft yawn. Wanda watched, her gaze softening at the sight. There was a gentleness in Natasha's movements, a tenderness Wanda rarely saw so openly, one that seemed to emerge only with this family. 

On the other couch, Laura and Clint shared a quiet moment, with the baby nestled between them. Wanda's attention, however, remained fixed on Natasha. She felt something warm and deeply tender as she watched Natasha gently run her hand through Lila's hair, soothing her with a care that felt uncharacteristic but entirely genuine. It was as if each touch allowed Natasha to step into a peace that Wanda knew was rarely hers. 

After a moment, Wanda leaned closer, her voice a soft murmur. "You’re good with her, you know."

Natasha glanced over, caught off guard but pleased by the comment. "I guess she brings out a different side of me."

Wanda smiled, her expression gentle. "I think it's just you. The real you."

Natasha didn't respond with words, but the way her eyes held Wanda’s gaze for an extra beat was more than enough. It was a vulnerable silence that said everything, and when Natasha finally looked away, Wanda felt a pang of both gratitude and sadness. She realized how much Natasha kept hidden, even from herself.

As the movie played, Wanda's attention drifted, returning again and again to the sight of Natasha with Lila asleep in her lap. She saw something rare there, a quiet hope in Natasha's eyes, a contentment that was so precious it took Wanda's breath away. Wanda's heart raced as unexpected thoughts of a family - a real, lasting family - entered her mind, not just for herself, but with Natasha.

Her chest tightened as she remembered a night at the compound, sitting out on the lawn with Natasha under the stars. Natasha had shared parts of herself that night, things Wanda hadn't known before. Stories of her childhood, of Yelena, her younger sister, who she hadn't seen in years; of a song that haunted her because of what it reminded her of; and of the cruelty of the Red Room that had stolen her chance to ever have biological children. Wanda knew she could never erase those scars or the memories Natasha carried. But she wished, with everything in her, that she could show Natasha that it was still possible to have a family - that maybe, together, they could build one.

(...) 

The next morning, Natasha was jolted awake by a small whirlwind named Lila, who came barreling into the room she was sharing with Wanda, flinging herself right onto Natasha’s bed.

“Ouch,” Natasha groaned, her voice still thick with sleep. She wrapped an arm around Lila, pulling her down beside her. “Too early, kiddo.”

“Auntie Nat, we’re going to make gingerbread houses!” Lila’s excitement was infectious, and her eyes sparkled with it.

“Oh, God.” Natasha muttered, suddenly recalling all of Clint’s endless Christmas traditions. She had almost forgotten how many they packed into the days before Christmas.

“Come on, Auntie Nat. Mommy’s waiting!” Lila urged, tugging at her arm insistently.

Natasha sighed and finally blinked her eyes open, realizing there was no way she’d be able to coax a few more minutes of sleep. “Alright, alright. Let’s go.” She pressed a quick kiss to Lila’s forehead before reluctantly getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom to wash up.

When she emerged, she noticed Lila had now cozied up in Wanda’s bed, eagerly chatting to her about gingerbread houses. Wanda’s gaze met Natasha’s, warm and amused, and Natasha offered a sheepish smile in return.

“Good morning, Nat,” Wanda greeted as she stood up and made her way to the bathroom.

“Morning.” Natasha felt her cheeks warm slightly. “Sorry about the... wake-up call,” she said, nodding toward Lila, who was watching them with open curiosity.

Wanda smiled, shrugging off the apology. “No problem.”

“Auntie Nat, come on!” Lila tugged insistently, and Natasha allowed herself to be pulled down the stairs toward the kitchen.

Once there, Laura greeted her with a guilty smile. “I swear I tried to hold her off for another hour.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Natasha assured her, stifling a yawn as she adjusted to the early hour.

“Here.” Clint appeared at her side, handing her a mug of steaming coffee. “Where’s Wanda? Still sleeping?”

“As if that was an option,” Natasha laughed, taking a grateful sip. She felt herself starting to wake up with each sip of the hot coffee.

A few minutes later, Wanda joined them, looking just as cozy and a little more awake. Natasha quickly poured her a mug of coffee, handing it to her with a smile. The kitchen was soon alive with the clattering of dishes and the laughter of kids, as they gathered the supplies to start their gingerbread creations.

While everyone else was busy assembling pieces and attempting not to eat half of the icing, Clint took charge of breakfast. The warm aroma of eggs, bacon, and pancakes mingled with the rich smell of coffee and fresh juice, filling the kitchen with a cozy warmth.

“Alright, construction break for breakfast!” Clint called, setting plates down and wiping his hands on a dish towel.

The kids practically inhaled the food, barely pausing to chew as they wolfed down their breakfast, eager to get back to their creations. Natasha exchanged an amused look with Laura as Clint went about clearing the table, and Laura quickly reset the gingerbread supplies so the kids could dive back in.

Natasha couldn’t help but glance at Wanda over the top of her coffee mug, catching her eye with a soft smile. It felt good to be here, in this warm little chaos, sharing these small moments - moments that felt almost like they belonged to a family. And as Wanda smiled back, Natasha felt a warmth that went deeper than the coffee she was holding.

Natasha and Wanda joined Laura and the kids at the table, where bowls of vibrant icing and candy decorations waited to be used. Natasha settled into the task, carefully piping a line of frosting along a gingerbread wall, but her attention kept drifting to Wanda, who was completely absorbed in her work. Wanda's brows furrowed in concentration as she placed gumdrops in precise rows, oblivious to everything else.

A small smirk tugged at Natasha’s lips. “You’re really into this,” she murmured, leaning in just enough to tease.

Wanda looked up, her cheeks instantly flushing, and Natasha's smirk softened into a grin.

After a while, the table became a delightful mess of scattered sugar, crumbs, and half-eaten gumdrops. Flour hung in the air like a soft cloud as the kids’ laughter echoed through the room. Lila proudly held up her sticky, icing-coated fingers, grinning from ear to ear. “Look, Auntie Nat! I made a mess!”

Natasha chuckled, gently ruffling Lila’s hair. “That’s the best part of it, kiddo.”

Laura’s laughter caught Natasha’s attention, and she glanced over, confused, only to see Laura motioning toward her own cheek. “Nat, you’ve got a little something…” Laura gestured vaguely at her own face.

Before Natasha could react, Wanda noticed it too and reached over instinctively, her thumb brushing softly against Natasha's cheek as she wiped the flour away. The touch lingered a second longer than necessary, and Natasha found herself frozen, her eyes meeting Wanda’s. Her gaze drifted to Wanda's lips, and for a moment, her breath stilled as they both seemed to forget the world around them.

“Uh… there,” Wanda murmured, her voice barely a whisper, her cheeks flushing as she finally pulled her hand away.

Just then, a shriek of laughter brought them back to reality. Natasha turned to see that Cooper and Lila had somehow managed to shower each other with a handful of flour, their hair now dusted white. Natasha let out a soft laugh, glancing back at Wanda with an amused smirk. “Looks like we’re going to have to clean up after these two troublemakers.”

“Oh, no, you two,” Laura cut in, her own laugh barely contained. “Clint, take your kids to the bath now. They’re done here.”

“Oh, so when they’re covered in flour, they’re my kids?” Clint shot back, shaking his head.

“Mom, we promise to behave!” Cooper added, pulling his best puppy-dog eyes.

Natasha chuckled as Laura shot her a knowing look. “I wonder who he learned that from,” Laura teased, aiming a pointed look at Natasha. “Alright, but if there’s one more mess, it’s over for both of you.”

Cooper and Lila exchanged triumphant high-fives and went back to decorating their gingerbread houses with renewed focus.

Laura shook her head, glancing at Clint. “Clint, dear, can you give Nathaniel his bottle?”

“On it.” He wiped his hands on his apron, going off to prepare the bottle.

The warmth of the moment lingered as they all continued decorating, laughter filling the air along with the sweet scent of gingerbread. Natasha couldn’t help but steal glances at Wanda every now and then, her heart softening at the way Wanda’s face lit up with laughter around the kids. For the first time in what felt like ages, Natasha felt… at peace. Something about this felt wonderfully right, and she couldn’t shake the quiet hope that maybe, just maybe, she could belong have this too.

(...)

The rest of the day was peaceful, Cooper went to help Clint work on the tractor so he wouldn't end up getting into trouble because of the cold while Wanda and Natasha were dragged to the living room by Lila.

The little girl handed them some sheets of paper, colored pencils and crayons and with a pointed look indicated that they should sit next to her to draw.

Laura joined them soon after, gently rocking Nathaniel to sleep.

The hours passed quickly and in the early evening they sat at the table for dinner. Then, as in the previous days, they gathered in the living room for another classic Christmas movie.

Clint helped Laura carry the bowls of popcorn, mugs of hot chocolate and cider into the living room while Natasha and Wanda helped Lila and Cooper get the room just the way they liked it.

Cooper slurped his hot cocoa loudly, prompting a chorus of giggles from Lila and a roll of Clint's eyes. "Seriously, kid, where are your manners?"

"I learned them from you," Cooper shot back with a grin.

Wanda chuckled, her eyes meeting Natasha's for a second. She felt her heart race and her stomach felt like as if there was butterflies inside. She hadn't realized just how much she missed this feeling; being part of something whole, something good. She was so lost in thought that she nearly missed it when Natasha squeezed her hand, the smallest reassurance, and her eyes met Natasha's, catching that familiar glint of mischief in her gaze.

"Want to help me with a refill?" Natasha whispered, giving Wanda's hand a gentle tug as she rose.

"Sure." Wanda followed her into the kitchen, away from the cozy chaos of the living room. 

Once they were out of earshot, Natasha leaned against the counter, arms crossed. "Are you okay? I thought you were a little overwhelmed just now." She said, her eyes studying Wanda with concern.

"I'm fine, Nat. Thanks for caring tho."

"Really? We can call it a night and go to the bedroom if you want."

"I do feel overwhelmed sometimes, yes, but in a... good way, I guess."

"Okay, let me know if you change your mind, okay?"

"Alright." 

Natasha held Wanda's gaze for longer than necessary.

"Is it weird that I never expected you to be so…" Wanda searched for the right word, one that would capture the side of Natasha she'd been witnessing those past days; soft, unguarded, even playful.

"Human?" Natasha offered, her smile crooked, playful but with an edge of vulnerability.

"Real," Wanda corrected softly. "I mean, ever since I arrived at the compound you've been amazing to me, always around, worried about me, and you've shared more things with me than I ever thought possible, but at the same time you've always remained a little distant, reserved. It’s nice to see this side of you."

Natasha felt her smirk dissolve into something softer, her expression turning reflective as she glanced down, weighing her words. “I didn’t think you’d want to see this side of me.” Her voice was uncharacteristically quiet, a hint of uncertainty in it, as if she wasn’t used to admitting something so vulnerable aloud.

Wanda took a small step closer, and Natasha noticed the way her gaze softened, her own walls beginning to crumble. “Actually,” Wanda murmured, her voice steady yet gentle, “I think this is exactly what I needed to see.”

Natasha held Wanda’s gaze, feeling a tangible connection that had simmered for too long, something raw and undeniable surfacing between them. Away from missions and façades, it felt real here. For once, there was no armor, just them. The sounds of laughter drifting in from the living room barely registered in her mind; she wasn’t ready to let go of this moment yet.

She let out a soft laugh, one that felt vulnerable even to her own ears. “This might sound ridiculous, but… thanks for being here. I didn’t know if you’d actually come.”

“I almost didn’t,” Wanda admitted, her voice just above a whisper, an honest softness in her eyes. “But I’m glad I did.”

They stood there in the silence that followed, Natasha unable to resist lifting her hand to brush a loose strand of hair behind Wanda’s ear. The gesture was gentle, lingering in a way she hadn’t anticipated, as if savoring the tenderness of the moment. Her pulse raced at the touch, especially when Wanda’s eyes widened slightly, and Natasha felt a warmth spreading in her chest that had nothing to do with the cider.

But the spell was broken when the kitchen door swung open, and Clint waltzed in, oblivious to the tension he’d interrupted. “Hey, you two, you’re missing the best part! Santa’s about to-” He stopped mid-sentence, glancing between them and scratching his chin. “Am I… interrupting something?”

Natasha cleared her throat, quickly dropping her hand, her laugh coming out just a bit too casual. “Nope, just… catching up.”

Wanda looked away, her cheeks flushed, clearly trying to hide the faint blush creeping up. Clint just grinned, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “Alright, then. Don’t take too long; we’ve got more popcorn waiting.” With a wink, he disappeared back into the living room.

Natasha huffed, shaking her head as she muttered, “He’s like a big kid sometimes.”

They filled their mugs with fresh cider and made their way back to the others. When they settled back onto the couch, Natasha found herself instinctively draping her arm over the back of the couch, her hand resting just behind Wanda’s shoulders—a gesture that felt casual, but in truth held an unspoken promise of protectiveness. Wanda leaned back slightly, just close enough that Natasha could feel her warmth, her pulse quickening at the sensation, and for once, Natasha let herself enjoy the comfort of their closeness.

As the movie drew to a close, Natasha watched as Laura smoothly began herding the kids toward bed, Lila putting up a sleepy protest. Natasha leaned down, brushing a gentle kiss on Lila’s forehead and speaking softly, “I’ll be here in the morning, okay? Go get some sleep.”

Once the kids were tucked in, Clint and Laura returned to the living room with the kind of satisfied sighs that come with a quiet, winding-down evening. The room had dimmed, leaving only the soft golden glow of the fire casting shadows across their faces.

“How’s training been, Wanda?” Laura asked, curiosity evident in her tone as she wrapped her hands around her mug. “Nat’s been saying you’re really getting the hang of things.”

Natasha felt warmth in her chest as Wanda glanced over at her, a little shy, as though gauging her reaction. “It’s… intense, but in a good way, I think,” Wanda replied thoughtfully. “I’m learning more about focus, and it’s been helping a lot.”

Natasha couldn’t hold back, giving Wanda’s shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “She’s being modest,” she chimed in, pride evident in her voice. “You’ve come a long way. Pretty soon, you’ll have Rogers eating your dust.”

Clint raised an eyebrow, looking impressed. “Really? That’s high praise coming from Romanoff.” He nodded at Wanda, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Guess you’re tougher than you look, huh?”

Natasha watched Wanda chuckle, a quiet warmth filling her gaze as she took in Natasha’s words. “I have a good teacher. Besides, it’s nice to have something to work toward. Keeps me grounded,” she said with a confidence that had been growing steadily over the past weeks.

Laura’s expression softened as she looked at Wanda. “Well, it’s good to hear. And I have to say, you’ve seemed so much happier lately. I’d say it’s working for you.” She winked at Wanda before her gaze drifted to Natasha, a knowing smile tugging at her lips. “I think Nat might have a little something to do with that too.”

Natasha could feel a slight blush warming her cheeks, but she rolled her eyes playfully. “Let’s not give me too much credit. Wanda’s the one putting in the work. I’m just… there when she needs a little push.”

“Oh, you’re there alright,” Clint teased, his eyes glinting with amusement as he shared a look with Laura. “Can’t say I’ve seen you this dedicated to ‘pushing’ someone, Nat.”

Natasha chuckled, relaxing into the gentle teasing as Wanda turned to her with a playful glint in her eyes. “To be fair, you’re a pretty great ‘pusher,’” Wanda teased, nudging Natasha’s shoulder lightly.

“Well,” Natasha replied, letting out a soft laugh, “if I’m going to be a pusher, might as well be the best, right?” She held Wanda’s gaze, her smile turning softer, her voice lowering. “But you make it easy.”

The glow of the fire reflected in Wanda’s eyes, and Natasha found herself lost in their warmth until Clint cleared his throat with exaggerated volume. “Alright, lovebirds,” he said, grinning. “Are we just going to sit here staring into each other’s eyes, or can I get someone to help me with the marshmallows for s’mores?”

Laura laughed, swatting him playfully. “Way to kill the vibe, Clint. But yes, let’s do s’mores.”

Natasha watched Wanda grin as she rose, her eyes dancing. “I’ll help you grab the marshmallows, Clint. Natasha, you coming?”

Natasha leaned back against the couch, smirking up at Wanda with an affectionate, mischievous smile. “I’ll be right here, keeping your seat warm. Don’t take too long.”

She caught the slight flush of Wanda’s cheeks and the smile they shared before Wanda headed to the kitchen with Clint, their laughter trailing into the next room. Natasha couldn’t help but smile, warmth blooming in her chest at the sound.

Laura shook her head, a fond smile on her face as she watched them go before she turned to Natasha, eyes full of quiet understanding. “You know,” she began softly, “you and Wanda… you make sense together.”

Natasha felt her breath hitch, her gaze drifting to the kitchen where Wanda’s laughter still echoed. “We’re not… we’re not—”

“Nat,” Laura said gently, “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. But I’ve seen the way you look at each other. I’ve never seen you like this with anyone.”

Natasha swallowed, feeling a confession clawing its way to the surface, something she’d tried to suppress. “It’s stupid, Laura. Letting my guard down like this… but I can’t help it with her.”

Laura’s voice was soft, reassuring. “It’s not stupid, Nat.”

“But you know my past.” Natasha’s voice was barely a whisper. “There’s no way I could ever have something… normal.”

“Good thing Wanda’s far from normal, isn’t she?” Laura said with a gentle smile, her eyes warm with understanding.

Natasha shook her head, her voice strained. “It wouldn’t work.”

Laura sighed, giving Natasha a knowing, patient look. “Just… think about it, okay?”

(...)

As the others drifted off to bed, Natasha stayed behind, lingering in the quiet with Wanda beside her. Their shoulders brushed as they sat on the couch, the firelight casting warm, flickering shadows over the room. Natasha could feel the heat radiating from Wanda’s hand, resting so close to hers, close enough that the small distance between them felt charged.

Without fully deciding to, Natasha found herself leaning closer. The weight of everything unspoken, everything she’d tried to ignore, pressed heavily on her chest. She could feel the warmth of Wanda’s presence, the soft, steady rhythm of her breathing.

"Wanda," she murmured, her voice barely more than a whisper, the word heavy with so much she didn’t know how to express. "You… you make me feel—" She faltered, uncertain. No words felt right, no way to truly say what was pounding in her chest.

But Wanda’s eyes softened, her gaze unwavering, silently urging Natasha to let down the last of her walls. It was an invitation, one that Natasha didn’t realize she’d been waiting for until she was already leaning in. Before doubt could take over, she closed the distance between them, her lips meeting Wanda’s in a gentle brush. But that initial softness, that tentative touch, was quickly replaced by a heat Natasha could no longer deny.

Wanda responded without hesitation, her hand sliding up to Natasha’s cheek, her thumb tracing a slow, steady path along her jaw. That small gesture undid her completely, and Natasha felt herself deepen the kiss, a barely controlled need taking over as their lips moved in sync, more intense, more consuming than she’d imagined. The fire crackled beside them, but it was nothing compared to the heat that spread through her body, lighting up every nerve, every cell.

It was everything Natasha had wanted and everything she’d been afraid of—a connection that was raw, fierce, and unguarded. Wanda’s hand moved to the back of her neck, pulling her closer, her fingers threading through Natasha’s hair, and the intensity of it, the sheer honesty of what she was feeling, made something inside Natasha twist.

Abruptly, she pulled back, breaking the kiss with a shuddering breath. She could feel her pulse pounding in her ears, her heart hammering against her ribcage, a familiar panic clawing its way to the surface. She felt like she was splintering apart, the weight of her past pressing down on her, reminding her of all the reasons she shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be feeling this.

“Nat?” Wanda’s voice was soft, laced with concern and something deeper that Natasha wasn’t sure she could handle. That depth, that vulnerability, only made the fear sharper.

“I- I can’t,” Natasha managed, her voice shaky and barely audible. She pushed herself to her feet, running a hand through her hair in a desperate attempt to steady herself. She could feel everything slipping out of her control, every carefully built wall crumbling. The memories, the training, the missions - all the years she’d spent pushing people away came crashing back, louder and more insistent.

“I’m sorry, Wanda,” she said, each word a painful effort. “I don’t… I don’t do relationships.” Her voice broke, and she could feel the sting in her chest, the realization that she was hurting Wanda. But the fear was overwhelming, a tidal wave of everything she’d tried to bury for so long, and it left her no room to think, no space to breathe.

Without another word, Natasha turned and hurried to the door, her footsteps heavy in the silence of the house. She didn’t dare look back, didn’t want to see the hurt in Wanda’s eyes. All she could do was escape, feeling the memories clawing at her, threatening to pull her under as she stepped out into the cold night, her heart pounding and her mind reeling.

Just as Natasha’s fingers brushed her coat, Clint’s voice cut through her resolve. “Nat.”

She froze, feeling her heartbeat thundering in her chest. Clint stood in the doorway, his gaze unwavering, the look in his eyes both gentle and firm. 

“You’re really going to walk away from this?” he asked quietly, his voice calm but carrying an undeniable weight. He stepped closer, his face a mix of understanding and expectation. “You know, you’re not the only one with a past, Nat. Wanda’s been through hell too. But here she is, willing to take a chance on you.”

Natasha swallowed, her throat tight as she processed his words. “I don’t want to hurt her, Clint,” she whispered, her voice raw with honesty. “I don’t even know if I can be what she needs.”

Clint’s expression softened, his eyes full of warmth that only a best friend could carry. “You don’t have to be perfect, Nat. Wanda doesn’t need you to be anything other than yourself. And from where I’m standing, that’s more than enough.”

She looked down, her mind a storm of doubts, but Clint’s words seemed to ground her. She realized, with a painful clarity, that maybe - just maybe - she did deserve this. Deserved Wanda. Her jaw tightened as she absorbed his words, feeling memories surface in her mind, fragments of her past - years of survival, of running, of pushing everyone away so she wouldn’t have to face her own heartache. The idea that someone could see her past and still care for her, still want her, felt foreign, but here was Wanda, offering her something she hadn’t dared to hope for.

Clint’s hand settled on her shoulder, the weight both comforting and firm. “Talk to her,” he urged. “You don’t have to have all the answers. Just… talk to her.”

Natasha stood by the door, Clint’s words lingering in the quiet, a steadying force as she considered what she was about to leave behind. She had always run, always turned her back on anything that felt like home. But standing here, with Clint’s words echoing in her mind, she realized that running hadn’t kept her safe - it had only left her alone. Wanda had opened her heart to her, despite everything she’d been through, and it was courage Natasha hadn’t seen in anyone before. It was time, maybe, to stop letting her fear control her.

Taking a deep, unsteady breath, she let her hand fall away from her coat. Clint gave her an encouraging nod, the quiet support of a friend who had known her through it all. She nodded back, a silent acknowledgment, and without another word, turned toward the room she was sharing with Wanda, a newfound determination guiding her steps.

As Natasha approached the doorway, she found Wanda still there, her gaze fixed on the dimming embers of the fire, her expression difficult to read but so achingly familiar. The warm light danced across her face, illuminating that quiet strength, that gentleness that Natasha couldn’t resist.

“Wanda,” Natasha said softly, her voice raspy and filled with vulnerability she didn’t recognize.

Wanda turned, her eyes catching Natasha’s, reflecting both vulnerability and hope. It was a look Natasha had come to cherish, one that made her realize just how deeply she was in this. How far gone she was already.

“I’m sorry,” Natasha whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I… I’ve spent so long keeping people at a distance. But you…” She swallowed, feeling her own defenses crack. “You’re the first person I can’t seem to push away, no matter how hard I try. And that scares me. Letting someone in like this… it’s not something I know how to do.”

Wanda took a step forward, closing the distance with that unwavering gaze. “Then don’t,” she murmured, her voice warm and soft, coaxing Natasha closer. “Let me in, Natasha. I know you’re scared, but I’m here. You’re not alone in this.” She raised a hand, cupping Natasha’s cheek, her touch featherlight but grounding.

The tenderness in Wanda’s eyes, in her touch, undid Natasha entirely. She felt a tear slip down her cheek, the walls she’d held for so long dissolving in the warmth of Wanda’s touch. Her fingers trembled as she reached up, holding Wanda’s hand as if it was the lifeline she hadn’t known she’d needed. “I’m scared, Wanda,” she admitted, her voice breaking, barely above a whisper. “I’m scared of letting myself love you, and even more of losing you. Everyone I let in either dies or disappears. I can’t…”

Wanda’s grip on her hand tightened, a quiet promise in that simple touch. “I’m not going anywhere.” Her thumb stroked softly over Natasha’s knuckles, grounding her. “You don’t have to be perfect, Nat. I don’t need you to be anything other than right here, with me.”

Natasha exhaled slowly, relief washing over her as her fingers laced through Wanda’s, feeling as if they’d always belonged there. “I’m done running,” she murmured, her voice quiet but resolute.

Their eyes met, and in that gaze, Natasha found all the courage she’d never been able to find within herself. Slowly, she leaned in, closing the distance, capturing Wanda’s lips in a kiss that held all her fears, all her hopes, and every unspoken promise between them. This kiss was different. It was deeper, free of hesitation, her emotions pouring into each movement, each second. Natasha’s hand found its way into Wanda’s hair, pulling her close, her need fierce, unapologetic. Wanda’s arms wrapped around her, drawing her in as if she, too, had been waiting for this, for them, for so long.

The kiss intensified, Natasha pouring herself into it, letting her guard drop completely, allowing herself to be vulnerable in Wanda’s arms. Her fingers twisted deeper into Wanda’s hair, and Wanda’s hand trailed up her arm, soft but firm, grounding her. Natasha felt as if she was coming alive, like every part of her had woken up, drawn into Wanda’s warmth, her steadiness. When they finally broke apart, they were both breathless, their foreheads pressed together as they held each other close.

Natasha looked into Wanda’s eyes, her heart pounding, and saw the same fire, the same need that mirrored her own. Unable to resist, she cupped Wanda’s face, bringing her in for another kiss, more intense, almost desperate, as months of unspoken tension gave way. It was an ache she could feel in her chest, a need she hadn’t let herself feel for so long, and she surrendered to it completely.

As Natasha looked into Wanda’s eyes, she saw that same fire, that same unrestrained desire, mirroring her own. The weight of everything they'd held back, the longing, the fear, and the inevitability, all of it seemed to rise to the surface. Without a second thought, she pulled Wanda in, capturing her lips in a kiss that went beyond tenderness, beyond anything she had ever let herself feel.

This kiss was no longer tentative or questioning; it was a fierce, consuming need, her hands finding Wanda's waist and pulling her closer, as if she needed her as much as she needed air. Wanda responded in kind, her fingers slipping into Natasha's hair, tugging her closer as their lips moved together in perfect sync, every touch feeling like fire running through her veins, something primal. Natasha could feel her heart pounding and she was pretty sure Wanda could hear it too.

Their movements grew frantic, both of them losing themselves in the moment. Natasha could feel Wanda’s soft gasp against her lips as her hands roamed Wanda’s back, gripping the fabric of her shirt, anchoring herself in this moment. They stumbled slightly as they edged toward the bed, neither willing to break the kiss, not even for a second. Natasha barely registered the feel of the mattress at the back of her knees before they tumbled down together, Wanda's soft laugh breaking through, only for Natasha to capture it with another kiss, deeper, more unrestrained.

Their limbs tangled, hands exploring as they gave into the intensity they had held back for so long. Natasha ran her fingers through Wanda’s hair, tilting her head to deepen the kiss, feeling Wanda’s warmth, the way her body pressed against hers. She could feel Wanda’s heartbeat, as frantic as her own, their breaths mingling as they finally gave in, letting the world fall away.

Wanda's hands skimmed Natasha’s shoulders, tracing a path down her arms, her touch gentle but charged with electric energy, sending shivers through her. Natasha couldn’t hold back a soft, involuntary gasp as Wanda’s lips found her neck, trailing heat along her skin, igniting something deeper, hungrier. She pulled Wanda even closer, their bodies pressing together as they moved in sync, both of them surrendering completely to the moment, to each other, letting themselves finally fall into what had been waiting for so long. 

When they finally parted again, Natasha held Wanda close, her forehead resting against hers as she caught her breath. Wanda traced gentle, reassuring patterns along her arm, anchoring her.

“So…” Wanda whispered, her voice tinged with that same vulnerability Natasha knew was on her own. “We’re really doing this?”

Natasha nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Yeah,” she murmured, her voice shaky. “We’re doing this. I mean, unless you don’t want it, which is totally okay.”

“Natasha.” 

“Yes?” 

“Shut up and kiss me.” 

Natasha felt her heart race, every part of her body vibrating with the determination in Wanda's voice. In her entire life, it was the first time she had gone to bed with someone not because of some stupid mission, but because she really wanted to, because she felt something for the person who was with her at that moment. And that scared Natasha more than she could admit. She closed her eyes tightly, pushing those thoughts away and focusing on the feeling of Wanda's lips against hers, on the way her hands slid tentatively over her shoulders and arms until they reached her waist and even more tentatively, slid under her blouse, gently brushing her skin. 

Her touch was warm and intoxicating and Natasha couldn't contain a moan when Wanda's lips found the skin of her neck again, biting lightly. Her hips rocked involuntarily against Wanda's, who was sitting on her lap, one leg on either side of her. Natasha abandoned all caution at that moment and slid her hands under the sweater Wanda was wearing, lightly scratching her back. She smiled in satisfaction at the moan that escaped Wanda's lips and did it again, gasping when Wanda ground her hips against hers.

"Fuck." Natasha moaned as Wanda bit and then licked her pulse point.

"I think that's what we're about to do, huh?"

"Oh, God." Natasha felt her panties get even wetter at the sound of Wanda's voice, husky and full of desire.

"Wanda will be enough."

Natasha's eyes met Wanda's and in them was a silent plea. Nat nodded, and lifted herself just enough for Wanda to remove her shirt. She was always very confident about her body, but when she saw Wanda's gaze, so raw, so intense and filled with true desire mixed with something else, Natasha felt her cheeks burn.

"You're so beautiful." Wanda whispered and leaned in to kiss her again. 

Natasha moaned softly against Wanda's lips as her hands explored her exposed skin tentatively but determinedly. It was almost impossible to keep her moans down, but she knew they couldn't make too much noise, for the sake of the children in the same hallway as them. 

Natasha bit the back of her hand hard to suppress a moan as Wanda's lips reached her breast. She had never experienced anything like this, a desire so intense, so true, so raw. And she needed to feel Wanda's skin against hers.

Natasha slid her hands to the hem of Wanda's sweater and with a silent request removed the garment. She took a moment to appreciate Wanda's beauty, feeling her mouth water at the sight that graced her eyes. Tentatively she slid her hands down Wanda's belly to her breasts, squeezing gently.

A low moan escaped Wanda's lips, and Natasha rose, kissing her with a desire she never thought possible. With a quick movement Natasha reversed their position and wasted no time began to distribute kisses along Wanda's jaw and neck, until she reached her breasts.

"So beautiful." Natasha whispered and her eyes met Wanda's again, with another silent request.

When she nodded, Natasha got rid of their jeans, and along with them their panties, eliminating any barrier between them. They moaned into each other's lips as their bodies touched for the first time, hips rocking against each other in a desperate search for contact, for friction.

Natasha slid one leg between Wanda's and nearly came right then and there at how wet she was. "Fuck, Wands."

"I need-" Wanda swallowed, her hips jerking.

"What do you need?" Natasha teased, rocking her hips slowly against Wanda's wet pussy.

"I need you, Nat."

That was enough to get Natasha moving, another time she would tease Wanda to the limit, but she needed it just as much and didn't want to waste time with games. Hopefully they would have plenty of other opportunities for that.

Gently, Natasha slid a finger inside Wanda, both of them moaning at the sensation. She began to move her finger slowly, and when she felt that Wanda was comfortable enough, she slid another one in. A louder moan escaped Wanda's lips and Natasha swallowed it with a kiss.

She moaned against Wanda's lips when she felt her slide a finger inside her and Natasha never thought it was possible to feel so much pleasure. Not really, and it was embarrassing how close she was to cumming.

Soon they found the perfect rhythm and their moans were muffled by the intense kisses as their bodies moved in perfect synchrony. It didn't take long for them to cum together, and that was, without a doubt, one of the best sensations Natasha had ever felt in her life.

As they lay together, Natasha realized she had never felt so vulnerable yet so completely safe, wrapped in the warmth of Wanda's touch, her hands on her skin, her breath brushing softly against her neck. It was as if every unspoken fear, every moment of hesitation, had melted away, leaving only the trust and certainty that whatever happened, they were here, together, completely lost in each other.

And as the night stretched on, Natasha allowed herself to fully surrender to the moment, letting go of every doubt and opening herself to Wanda in a way she never had with anyone else, trusting her completely, feeling the depth of their connection, and knowing that this was exactly where she was meant to be.

In that small, fire-lit room, wrapped in Wanda’s arms, Natasha felt a warmth and belonging she hadn’t thought possible. The rest of the world faded away as she let herself be completely, irrevocably lost in Wanda.

[fillinforlater]

Possession of the Queen II

Female Reader x Kim Doyeon

Length: 3139 words

Tags: submissiveness, lesbian sex, size kink, dom/sub dynamics, people as sex toys, cunilingus, public sex, exhibitionism, clothed pussy, hair pulling, pussy eating but no breathing, emotional stimulation, orgasm, hints of love, sub!reader / dom!Doyeon

TW: very much public sex

Inspiration: "Sweet Juice" by Purple Kiss, @banananutsmuthie and because Doyeon hella gay

Credit: @midnightdancingsol for editing. Thank you!

PART 1 HERE

(A/N: Here we go, finally part two... if anyone actually cares xD. I really like writing these, it's definitely something different from the usual here. I hope you enjoy it too.)

“If it's that important to you, I won’t make it a problem.”

“Thank you so much!”

You give your boss a quick bow. Your heart still races after uttering your request and getting it accepted. It was likely that he would allow you to take some time off without prior warning, but there is something so wrong about it—sure, you do not know why your queen wants you around, but it’s surely not an acceptable reason to leave your awesome boss hanging, unless being a sex toy is socially accepted now.

“Can I know though,” your boss adds as you try to leave the office quickly, quietly, unsuccessfully, “what their name is?”

He has a big smirk across dark skin. while your skin on the other hand turns bright red, putting signal lights to shame. You don’t have to answer this, it’s  certainly better to go now but you stop yourself. He has it figured out, your lie must have been even worse than you thought. 

Now what? Is there a good response to this? Can you at least hide your lies better this time? Or are you willing to reveal some of this craziness to him?

“I’m sorry,” he says into the hard silence after a few seconds, “you don’t have to ans—”

“She—I mean, they, a-are awesome. Tall, strong, sm-smart and a-all that.”

He smirks again. 

“I see. I hope you have a good time and that things will work out~”

Goddammit, your good-for-nothing mouth—or is it your brain—that has these lapses every time she gets mentioned, only hinted at? 

You dart out of the office and onto the busy street. Humans walk across the sidewalks, from all sides they collide like tidal waves, yet they never hit each other. In this mess, there is you, a small nothing that no one notices. Among people with suits and ties and college students, you are invisible.

Is this your attempt at trying to run away from your embarrassment? 

In all honesty, it might—another reason why you could never be on the same level as Doyeon. 

She would stand her ground and command respect; you on the other hand can barely walk straight without bumping into a stranger. She would get her way, and if anyone disobeys, she would step over him with a death glare; you on the other hand shriek when someone laughs loudly. Doyeon would do whatever she likes; you on the other hand are a flower amidst the waves.

#

You gasp loudly when you see Doyeon laying in the spot you usually take in when she wants your services. 

You certainly did not expect her to already await you, but what’s even more surprising is everything else. The way Doyeon swipes disinterestedly on her phone is almost as confusing to you as her outfit. The cool casualness of the all black shirt, shorts and stockings, paired with surprising sexiness does not fit her image of a cruel negotiator and business woman.

“Hi,” she says and looks at you. 

“H-hello, my Queen,” you stutter and bow your head. 

You feel her gaze on you a bit longer, before she goes back to watching reels, shorts, tiktoks, whatever. Although Doyeon has never looked at you for this long at a time, you’re still not nearly as interesting as the modern, mindless entertainment videos. 

“You can leave the backpack there,” she adds, not bothering to speak louder than the voice from her phone. “Whatever is in it, you won’t need it for the next forty-eight hours. Just put it down.”

“Yes, Queen.” 

You follow her command. The heavy green backpack was filled with literally everything you could think of, like Spare underwear, a tooth brush, snacks, a razor, spare glasses, even a marker, ropes, and a brand new dildo. You remember the tingling in your stomach when you pressed all these things into the backpack.

“You’re very punctual,” Doyeon says and throws her phone somewhere onto her large bed. She inches closer, off the cushions, until she stands right before you. “It seems to be one of your virtues. I like that.”

“Thank you, my Queen.” You bow again and get on your knees. Like so often, you feel right at home. Whenever you’re here, this is your proper place, with your forehead right at her kneecaps. 

“And you are so obedient. I really like that” Doyeon coos and gently guides your chin up. Her thumb enters your mouth, the smell of her body enters your nostrils. It’s divine, golden, immaculate. You carefully suck her digits and moan an equally careful “thank you” as you do so. 

“Our taxi leaves in one hour. In the bathroom is everything you need. Pick the clothes that you like and the make-up that makes your cute face look even prettier.” Doyeon’s explanation is quick, point after point like bullets fired from a gun. “Only call me if something is urgent. Understood?”

“Yes, Queen.”

#

Doyeon is constantly breaking all the notions you held about her before. She is so confident and absolutely majestic about it that it makes you doubt your eyes for a second. When you step out of the bathroom in one of the many simple, forgettable, loose outfits that were available, she already waits at the door in black leggings, a tight white crop top, and a huge overcoat draping from her shoulders. An outfit unfitting to your image before this day; she is really changing it up today.

‘Hurry up,’ she says with no urgency or stress, but excitement hidden beneath layers of professionalism. You take quick little steps behind her, down the stairway, across the lobby, into the taxi. Doyeon on the other hand takes strides, slow strides in brand new sneakers, but in your head they sound like clicking high heels. 

The taxi ride is quiet the first few minutes, until Doyeon breaks the silence.

“Why did you choose that outfit?”

You look at her, but she looks out of the window. Something is blocking your throat making your voice sound like a pathetic cheep.

“I thought you would like this, I’m sor—”

“It looks good, better than I thought.”

Then it’s back to silence. As more time passes, you feel yourself getting more relaxed. Even the taxi driver, an uptight professional with flawless driving skill, seems more tense than you. He doesn’t dare to clear his throat, although his face looks cramped. You still can’t point out what changed though. Maybe it’s her compliment, her more approachable manner?

#

“We arrived. Follow me,” Doyeon says. You open the door on your side of the cab. The two of you climb out of the yellow vehicle. Doyeon throws what looks like at least two thousand dollars in green bills at the driver and tells him to stay put. She then turns to you.

“In the middle.”

Doyeon points towards the wide facade of the building right before you. Hundreds of people walk into and out of the rotating glass doors. Screens with billboards and repetitive ads are plastered everywhere. It seems that it’s even more extreme on the inside. Store after store after restaurant after store, some filled to the brim with people. A vibrant mall in the middle of a bright city. 

“In the middle,” the Queen repeats herself with more assertion this time, “is something like a plaza, with a red floor made of sandstone. Make sure to stay by my side and lift your head while we walk there.”

She leans down to your face and you freeze in place. Your knees almost bend at her hot breath and scary whisper.

“Everyone should see your pretty face.”

The strides, again. Doyeon’s long legs carry her quickly into the crowd. Your glasses almost fall from your sweaty nose when you hastily run behind her. Luckily, the tall woman is easily visible among all those people who dare to not part like the sea before her.

Behind the entrance, the crowd has thinned out a little, making it possible for you to walk beside Doyeon. You won’t lie, it feels odd. Her entire plan is odd. People might get the wrong idea. They shouldn’t get any idea to begin with. For those that notice you to think that you two are equals, acquaintances, lovers even would be utterly false. If they knew you just are her sex toy of course would be very much mortifying.

As your mind makes up one concern after the other, you don’t think about why you are heading to where you are heading. An empty plaza with a red sandstone floor. It fits the color scheme of the rest of the building perfectly. A space without endless amounts of feet trampling on it is massively needed to thin out the packed crowd. 

Suddenly, Doyeon reaches for your hand and entwines her fingers with yours. You yelp and look up.

“Keep your head up like this,” she says coldly, without looking at you. 

You cringe at the sweatiness of your palm compared to the dry coldness of Doyeon’s. They must be perfect for hand shakes during her meetings. She speeds up and drags you behind her for a second until you regain footing. Try to keep your head up, look at the signs above the stores, praising delicious food or sales for cloths or fucking insurances. Who goes to a mall to buy insurance?

“You see it?” Doyeon asks, gradually decreasing her walking speed. Ahead of you is the previously mentioned plaza. Rough-looking tiles spread out into all directions from which people flock to the stores they like to visit. It's impossible to make progress without bumping into them. However this plaza is completely empty and everyone has an unobstructed view of it, especially from the upper floor.

Your heart beats faster every meter you follow Doyeon into the middle. The moment she stops, her hands are on your shoulders and she pulls you in front of her. You didn’t notice that she put on one of those black face masks that not only block you from breathing in smog and viruses but also keep your identity hidden. With just her eyes she stares you down, you can’t help but feel like a tiny, fragile puppy before her. 

“Such a good girl,” Doyeon says and quickly drags a thumb over your glossy, red lips. “You know what to do, right?”

Doyeon unbuttons her overcoat to reveal her slender, athletic figure in tight clothes to you. Her leggings are pulled up just above her navel, the tight crop top makes her breasts look big and—Wait, what?

“Get on your knees.”

Around Doyeon, you always lacked the humane reaction to all her sexual requests: hesitation. She was just so overpoweringly convincing, there is no way you would have resisted her. But today it’s different. There are other people around, and you’re wide in the open for everyone to see. It’s just not the same, how could she expect you to oblige.

You stare up at her. Something about her gaze is off. It’s commanding, sure, but not with the same kind of power she usually possesses. It’s like Doyeon wants you to do it not out of fear or awe, but for a different reason. You try to decipher this reason as your hands instinctively reach for her overcoat for stability, almost having the audacity to touch her slender waist. 

It’d be easier if you could see the rest of her face, those beautiful features, the way they contort at the lack of your reaction. The frown above her eyes, each wrinkle is dishonest and not telling the whole truth. Doyeon’s nails suddenly dig into your biceps, but it’s just another front. She is not saying it, there is no reason, and so you just stand there, neck hurting from staring up.

“Get on your knees, please.”

You gasp. If it weren’t for Doyeon’s hands on your arms, you would have fallen backwards, died on impact. The red sandstone would meet the red of your blood, and if you’re honest, after hearing this, it’s not even half bad. You’re the one getting on your knees, the one who looks weird for bystanders, the one who is on mouth-level with Doyeon’s pussy, yet she falters and loses her power. 

Her hands are in your hair, making a mess of it, which isn’t unusual, however, today she is not pressing you into her core, her awaiting, eager lips. She is not using you, she is waiting for you to put your tongue on it. Even though she gives you all the control, the moment you realize the lack of panties underneath her leggings, you dig in. 

From the beginning, her moans are loud enough to drown out the announcement of a missing child. You lean in further, the hem of your skirt barely covering your butt now. You knew it was short, but it’s scary to think that anyone just needs to tilt their head a bit down to see a damp spot on your light blue panties. 

All because she said please? Throw away perhaps your job, your dignity, your life just for this one word? Judging from the way you find and nibble her clit with delight, it’s a resounding yes. You’re out of your mind—good.

Doyeon hisses and takes a step back. Your mouth instinctively follows and the inside of your thighs gets colder. People can see them, it’s not even a risk, it’s certainty. You hear the first shocked gasps from nearby girls. There are more and more people that slow down and stare. Those shopping stop and stare, those chatting stop and pull out their phones, even those in a hurry can’t help but stop and turn their head.

Flashes of light, the clatter of cameras accompanies your tongue as it presses the black fabric into the wet hole. You might not reach deep, but it’s enough to make Doyeon pull your hair in ecstasy. She goes from gazing up at the tall, glass ceiling, to down at you, the short girl with glassy eyes behind displaced glasses. She gently adjusts them, her sweaty fingers trailing over your equally sweaty cheeks.

Everyone is watching now. It’s eerily quiet, only whispering and the occasional camera can be heard. You know the rest is filming, gawking, getting aroused or infuriated, but your licks don’t stop. You eagerly eat Doyeon, faster than ever before. You dare to hold her thighs steady, as they tremble. Her arousal drenches more of her crotch, then her legs, but most importantly, your mouth. 

You get ready to drink when she finally pulls you in herself. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as clear liquid goes through the expensive fabric and finds a way from Doyeon’s pussy into your mouth. Your nose is in her pelvis too, there is no oxygen, just cum and Doyeon’s feral groans. 

The next thing you notice is her hand on your wrist. Doyeon has the overcoat back on and pulls you up from your feet before sprinting back the same way you entered the mall. The two of you crush into the frozen, flustered crowd like a bowling ball into pins. People tumble and fall to the floor, as do your glasses. No time to look back, Doyeon is going full speed for a reason. 

Outside, unassuming travelers get shoved to the side, cursed out by her sudden regain of dominance, before she literally throws you onto the back row of the same cab as before. “West side, fast” she shouts at the driver and gets in as well.

The tires screech as Doyeon is still on top of you. She finds footing and grabs you by the sides like a child to make you sit up straight. The lack of glasses is not the main reason for your hazy vision. It’s all happening so fast, you forgot how to breathe up until this point. You take rapid, uncontrolled breaths; the strange smell of the taxi, a mixture of sweat, cigarettes and death, is welcomed by your nostrils. 

“Hi, we’ll be there in twenty to thirty minutes,” Doyeon says into a phone on her cheek as she pulls away the black mask. “Yeah, depends on traffic. But feel free to prepare everything. I’ll take blonde. Yes, darker. I don’t think yellow suits me.

“What about you?”

She looks over to you. Your face must speak volumes of your confusion and it gets even worse when Doyeon leans closer to you.

“What color do you want?” she says nonchalantly, as if the last ten minutes were just a fever dream, the imagination of a horny boy walking in a mall and imagining that these two women might be more than friends. 

“Uhm, I-I don’t—”

“Hair color, babe, which one do you want?”

Doyeon is so nonchalantly again, and you cannot deal with it. Her face is so fucking close, her smell suddenly too overwhelming and that word is making you spiral out of control.

“Pick whatever you want, it’s one me,” she adds and puts a finger on your knee. Only now you notice the red imprints and grazes on them and that they actually hurt. Your mind must have blocked out the way the rough sandstone grinded on your skin. 

“Uhm, I, uhm, I take blue?” you say, unsure, unfocused, but Doyeon is satisfied with the answer. 

“Did you hear that, Kellie? Yes, blue. I think a darker tone will suit her. Of course she is. Yes, see you, bye.”

Doyeon slides the phone back into her overcoat and opens it. Her chest is still heaving as well, her abs and navel are entirely exposed now, and her leggings are thoroughly soaked. It’s all you can see, because she is so fucking close. Even after this weird phone call, she still does not back off. Instead, she cups your entire knee and gently rubs it.

“I know you don’t understand any of this yet,” she sweetly says and chuckles. “But I know you trust me, right babe?”

Her eyes have this glow again. The same glow as back in the mall. This is a sincere question, there is real uncertainty behind it. Doyeon knows that she should be right about you trusting her, but you still have to confirm it. 

You nod, flushed, out of breath once more, before putting your answer into words. 

“Yes, Que—”

Doyeon puts a finger on your lips. She goes further in, lips on your earlobe, hot breath down your neck, fingers up your thigh. You are ready, so ready for her to make you melt into the seat. She just needs to bite down, put her fingers on your nub or just say the right word, and you would lose your mind.

“Don’t say it yet,” she whispers.

“Keep it for later, babe.”

[alexissara]

Top 11 Ships of 2023

Time for a typical and normal numbered top 11 list, the classic and well known format, top 11, which everyone uses and everyone loves garnering much SEO so that I may boost myself. This standard top 11 of the year list which everyone does annually really is covering ships I really loved this year. I love love and therefore love when romance is in things I watch and I love imaging relationships between characters. While I am not a super active fanfic writer or reader I enjoy fan art and thinking about dynamics and sometimes writing or reading. This year had a ton of girls I thought should kiss so without further ado let's get into it.

Sulleta and Chuchu [Gundam: The Witch From Mecury]

Opening with a Rare Pair but I am here to wave my Sulleta and Chuchu flag. While all my ships are polyam and open to them dating lots of other women if I had to pick a pair for either women it be them together. Unlike their other relationships this is a true ride of die pair. Chuchu and Sulletta always have each others backs even when their hurt by people they love and trust. Their both mech pilots and can fight together. Their adorable and sweet and I can see them blowing up their enemies together and wish we had more of it in the show.

Whisper and Tangle [Sonic IDW]

Pictured above is not an edit but an actual panel from Sonic IDW. While the creators have fairly clearly said that Sega simply will not allow them to make any romance canon straight or gay including for original characters these two are clearly being written as a couple and everyone has simply agreed that they are gay and hoping that fan pressure will eventually force Segas hands. These hero besties are opposites attracts goodness one is silent and keeps her feelings inside the other is out there and emotional but both kick ass together and support each other. These furries are probably as close to canon romance sonic is gonna get for the foreseeable future and their just so cute I'll never get over them.

Edelgard Polycule

While not a new ship or a ship with new offical content at all in 2023 outside of Edelgard talking about some of her girlfriends in Emblem ring conversations in Engage but I made new content, a lot of it for this ship in 2023 so it be lying to say it wasn't a top ship, probably the top ship given I ya know made fan content for it. Edelgard deserves all the girlfriends in the world and I am utterly giddy when I think about Edelgard and her big group of GFs. I feel similarly about many FE women but none as strongly as Lady Edelgard [Monica moment]. Edelgard does so much to make a better future for everyone and I think at the end of it, she should be loved every second of the rest of her life. I'm even doing like a private Three Houses roleplay thing for our combined ideal route for the game and crafting our own definitive version of the story.

HarlIvy [Harley Quinn Animated, DC]

Harlivy forever! Harlivy is for sure one of my oldest ships but it's also a ship that had a fucking load of amazing new stuff this year. While I have not read the comics proper we had a main line Harley Quinn comic where they said that a multiversal truth about Harley is that she has an Ivy and a fucked up evil Harley was redeemed by finding her fucked up evil Ivy with the help of main Harley. We had the utterly adorable DC Pride comic featuring them basically adopting Crash another lesbian character. Then we had a new season of Harley Quinn animated that while it started rough I think had a good purpose in establishing what the creators believe is the heart of Harley and Ivy and it's something I agree with so ya know awesome. Harley and Ivy complete each other and while I see them as being polyam I think their the core part of their relationship, nesting bitches for life. Their a couple I'd love to write some fics for and in general just a dynamic I really truly love a lot. Harley and Ivy are complicated and messy gals and seeing them figure their shit out together is great.

Jala/Tyler/Diya [Thirsty Suitors]

I want this messy trio of exes to be a sexy little triad. Jala and Tyler have a very messy history but to me I think the answer is clear on why Jala is like this, which is that she will never be happy with just one partner, she's not meant for monogamy and I think when her and Tyler have healed more and Jala realizes this about herself, they can have a talk and like both actually have a healthy polyam relationship rather than a toxic monogamous relationship. That's where Diya comes in she was an asshole and a bully but she's grown and she is a proud out lesbian now and helps take care of the community something Tyler cares about and she's still into Jala and i think them growing into a cute little throuple would be so good and I wanna see them kiss and I need it actually, it's canon according to me.

Pink Sugar Polycule [Pink Sugar]

This polycule is end game but I've been sold on them from go. These four sexy lesbians are just all such compelling characters, I want to know more about all of them, their lives when they were human, their lives in Purgatory, and see them thrive together as a little quad of deliciously darling dykes. These are some of my favorite characters ever written and the story is still in it's early days. I imagine in years to follow they will remain a favorite ship. They all feel very different but all feel like a realistic group of people to be friends and be lovers. Every dynamic between them works and they suit each other every way around. Any of them would be an amazing couple but all together their an even better polycule.

Juri and Chun-li [Street Fighter]

Another classic Alexis Sara ship that's got some new spice this year. The release of Street Fighter 6 had a little bit more Juri and Chun-li for us, Juri is still obsessed at the very least. Then we got a few extra tidbits in the You Got This Juri comics. Juri is this messy little disaster Gremlin and Chun-li is a mostly has it together sweet now adoptive mother. I think Juri would add some fun to Chun-lis life and Chun-li would help her get her shit together. I think both of them could help them be morally better people Juri would de-cop Chun-li and Chun-li would help her like not take obviously dubious hit jobs. Their just kinda perfect for each other ya know.

Sailorcule [Sailor Moon]

This is another one that technically had "no new content" like I didn't watch the new movie, I've been waiting for an offical release and it's not happened so here I am but what I did really get into this year was enjoying the inner senshi as a big polycule. I always enjoyed HaruMichi and quickly enjoyed HaruMichiSetsuna but kinda just shipping all the girls together while something on paper was like sure I do that evolved from a sure thing to something I actively really enjoy. A lot of that is thanks to yamino's amazing fan art and my own Magical Girl OCs who are pretty heavily inspired by Sailor Moon so I started to see them in the dynamics between the girls.

Shadowheart and Nocturne [Baldur's Gate 3]

One of this years totally new ships and one I truly adore and wish was more popular was Shadowheart X Nocturne. These two have probably my favorite tropey ship dynamic of them all Childhood friends to lovers. I enjoy all sorts of dynamics but when I am roleplaying, when I am looking at my most beloved ships, I am thinking wouldn't it be cute if they knew each other when they were younger? Nocturne and Shadowheart are so loaded with good little spice in their childhood friends to lovers arc too though. Like Shadowheart and Nocturne both picked their chosen names together. Shadowheart would forget everything with memories being erased and Nocturne would tell her everything and still love her every time. Even after forgetting her again in the most recent events Nocturne remains loyal to her to the point where if Shadowheart becomes a Selunite the sworn enemy of Shar Nocturne despite not having the strength to leave the faith still acts as an inside woman to help Shadowheart evade assassins from Shar. I think the two should get married and live happily ever after and my Tav can marry them both too, I don't see why not and they can both fuck Alyin and Isobel while we're at it. I just want them to be happy together. Outside of Three Houses stuff this is the ship I am most compelled to write fics for simply because no one else is shipping them and I think it's so fucking juicy and why won't anyone sit down with me and eat some of this delicious juicy fruits.

Rae Clair [I'm In Love With The Villainess]

MISSSS CLAIR! Rae's obsession with Clair might frustrate me a bit in the light novel version but in every other version I only find it utterly endearing. I love a good obsession, I love when someone is like on their mind so often and they live for them and it's just ahh so yummy. I think what Rae brings to Clair is really nice for Clair too. Clair feels abandoned constantly, she's lonely and trying to fit a model of a type of person that she's been told she's supposed to be. Rae helps her break those norms, makes her feel not alone, makes her realize she wants to help people. Their really adorable and I do look forward to picking up more of the audiobooks of the light novels and seeing how their relationships evolve along with keeping up with the manga as it releases in English volumes. Their really good and I want to engage them in every medium I can.

Nomoto X Kasuga [She Loves To Cook And She Loves To Eat]

I mean I couldn't not put these two on this list, I want them to kiss and have a house and get married and be together forever. This one has no messy layers, there isn't really the juice but what they have is the true to life, down to it's core, amazing sweetness. It's like a wonderful ice cream dish lovingly crafted down to the last delightfully delicate detail. They just are so good together, they make each other happy, they have a really real feeling healthy slowly building relationship. They both bring out the best in each other and they both always have a good time together. It's really perfect and I think it just feels so honest and sweet and like ya know as a lesbian I feel really seen by them, their relationship, them as characters and the whole story. Nothing is quite as wonderful as She Loves To COok and She Loves To Eat.

If you want to help me enjoy more art then consider checking out my Patreon or Ko-fi .and giving me a little bit of cash so I can do more of this kind of writing but also like make lots of my own art, art is hard to make and costs money and like maintain my chronically ill and trans body also takes money so anything helps, thank you.

[ghostfrog28]

Episode 4 Of My Greasefire Life!!

There is so much to talk about from this episode!

First of all, love that each member of the Greasefire trio (that’s what I’m calling them) has Lenna’s phone number. My headcanon is that her and Denny’s shit talk about the customers from their respective restaurants.

Second, I want to see more of Ashley’s roommates! They both are very funny and I want to see more of their dynamic with Ash, as well as how they would be with Thad and Denny’s.

Also, it’s kind of cute and funny to think of Ash going home and then just ranting to his roommates about his crush on Denny’s, similar to how girls in middle school would about the boys they like.

Third, Thad is Bi 🩷💜💙!! Love that for our lovable himbo! I do wonder what Duke was talking about when Thad said Duke was always “too much” that that wasn’t the only thing leading to them breaking up 🤔 if that sentence made sense.

Fourth, every time Lexi speaks, my burning hatred for her increases! She is such a bitch, not only for the way she talked about Ashley and how she talks to Denny’s, but what she said about Kelsey and Lin too!(I hope I spelled their names right) Especially Kelsey, cuz I’m not sure if it’s just me but Kelsey gives me lesbian vibes and her and Lin are like the “Straight Friend x Gay Friend” kind of duo. In short, I hate Lexi more now.

Alright! After that little tangent, I have more art for Sophie! (Escaped, these episodes are causing me to draw her so much, they might be the OC I’ve made the most drawings for)

I made Sophie more of a revealing kind of outfit for this episode since they were going to a party so there’s two pictures for this drawing, one showing some more of her tattoos and such and the other with the other clothes on top of it

Here is the first image without the other parts of her outfit. She has a few other tattoos such as a yin yang on her left arm

and on her left leg she has an Irish flower called a Fuchsia

as well as a quote.

"What runs down from the eye is not its water, but a soul which melts and drips."

There aren’t any other tattoos on her right arm but on their right leg they have a red telephone booth for her friend Alyssa who lives in Britain

as well as another quote.

"Crawl inside this body, find me where I am most ruined - love me there."

Also, she does have SH scars that I wanted to point out, since those were a bit more of her lore

I’ll write her story some other time and what led to those scars.

That’s all for that part, here is what the complete outfit looks like.

She also has converse, as well as combat boots. She also has another tattoo kind of peaking out from the cropped tank their wearing but I’ll show that in another drawing.

That’s all for this post, sorry it was so long. Great episode, can’t wait for more!

[plutobie]

♡ Plutobie ♡

a very personal (but open for use with required credit) gender/term i made for myself when i realised there was nothing around that fit my experience. it is not a xenogender or neogender; it is its own gender with no umbrella other than trans or nonbinary.

Plutobie is intended to be used as a noun, ie; "I'm a plutobian." but can be combined with prefixes or suffixes or be made into an adjective, ie; "this gender is plutobian."

it comes from "Pluto," which symbolises regeneration, transformation, rebirth, courage, bravery, and the strength to overcome. -"bie" comes from Barbie, a toy which might symbolise childhood femininity.

Plutobie is supposed to represent the experience of being a trans man or trans masc being while still wanting one's past girlhood acknowledged and appreciated without misgendering. it represents struggling with transandrophobia (for lack of a single, defining term...) and the experiences that come with it as well as the too-strong dysphoria to identify with womanhood completely. to be a Plutobian is to be contradictory, relate to transfeminine people more than other transmasculine people, to heavily relate to the song "IDK If I'm a Boy" by Blue Foster, to cry over lost girlhood, and plenty of other personal experiences.

any pronouns can be used. to be a plutobian is to be masculine inherently, but to be a plutobian is to never be completely aware of every detail of this experience. (Yes, this definition is long and specific, but it is personal. This is a post-definition disclaimer <3)

♡

[ Image IDs for the images above:

transcriptions are top to bottom, left to right.

Image 1: A seven stripe flag with colours in this order, from top to bottom: berry red, light pink, lavender, light blue, lavender, light pink, and berry red. The stripes are wavy. There is a berry red pluto symbol outlined in light pink in the center of the flag.

Image 2 is a copy of Image 1, except there is no symbol in the center.

Image 3: A seven stripe flag with colours in this order, from top to bottom: berry red, light pink, lavender, light blue, lavender, light pink, and berry red. The stripes are straight. There is a berry red pluto symbol outlined in light pink.

Image 4 is a copy of Image 3, except there is no symbol in the center.

End image ID. ]

Flag Colour Definitions:

[ Image ID:

a seven striped flag with straight stripes with colours in this order, from top to bottom: berry red, light pink, lavender, light blue, lavender, light pink, berry red. there is text on each stripe.

it reads:

"Berry Red - Love, Passion, & Relation to Music Light Pink - Childhood Femininity & Connection to Girlhood Lavender - Inherent Connection to Masculine Love Light Blue - Transmasculine Happiness & Peace Lavender - Inherent Connection to Masculine Love Light Pink - Childhood Femininity & Connection to Girlhood Berry Red - Love, Passion, & Relation to Music"

berry red stripes have text in a lavender colour, the light pink stripes have text in a dark pink colour, the lavender stripes have text in a blue colour, and the light blue stripe has text in a lavender colour. all text is outlined in a darker shade of the same colour as the text.

End image ID. ]

When using, please tag this blog or @bor-ous!

do not use if you're transandrophobic, against contradictory or complex labels (ie mspec gays/lesbians), radqueer/proship. if i dont like your use of this term/flag due to other boundaries, i will block or ask you to consider taking down the post. thank you!

[tacoma-narrows]

Tac's OC Ref Masterpost!

Heya everybody! I'm not sure where the thought for this came from but I wanted to make a post that just has all of my OCs' refs in it in case anyone ever needs to find them and doesn't wanna ask me for them (which ur always welcome to do btw!) or doesn't wanna go digging through their Toyhouse galleries. This will be linked in my pinned post as well, so if you ever need to find it again, it'll be there! Every character will have their Toyhouse page linked below their ref, so you'll have easy access to more in-depth info and more gallery images if needed!

All the refs are below the read more since this is going to be a really long post, so be prepared for that if you take a look lol. It's organized the same way as my Toyhouse, with sonas first, then primary, secondary and tertiary OCs (basically categorized by how much I use them and how much development they have). I'll put a little bit of information about each character and whenever I make a new ref for a character, I'll swap out the old version with the new one here!

Also feel free to ask me anything abt any of my characters ever!! I adore talking abt them <333

SONAS

(These guys are ordered by how much I use them/how representative of me they are)

Shep (Toyhouse Link)

My main sona and most complete representation of myself out of all my characters!

22 y/o asexual biromantic German Shepherd

Boyfriends with PBnJ

Lead vocalist/guitarist for Let's Get Back!

PBnJ (Toyhouse Link)

Secondary sona

Usually goes by just PB

Also Ace/Biro, Golden Retriever

Boyfriends with Shep

Bassist and backup vocalist for Let's Get Back!

Starburst (Toyhouse Link)

Main comfort sona, personal favorite OC <33

Kinsona based on Jenny from Wayside, who's my biggest comfort character!

Do not draw her without her outfit!! Also please only draw her anthro!

Second tallest of my anthro characters, slighter taller than Shep, not as tall as Wilkołak

Very friendly, adventurous and always looking to live life to the fullest!

Spatter (Toyhouse Link)

Pokesona

Move set: Dragon Pulse, Earthquake, Rain Dance and Protect. Feel free to draw him using any of these!

Has roughly equal number of purple and green splatter markings

Very squishy, loves giving/receiving hugs

Vostok (Toyhouse Link)

Main Dragon/WoF-sona

My oldest OC, I've had him since February of 2017

May look intimidating but rlly just a big soft guy

Blue and purple scales make chevron shapes (not zigzags, not checkerboards, not stripes, etc.)

PRIMARY OCS

(Characters from here going forward are listed alphabetically per section)

Agouti (Toyhouse Link)

RainWing

Relatively quiet and shy until you get to know her

Lesbian, girlfriends with Rhazz

Can feel the emotions of others very strongly (for better or worse)

Doppler (Toyhouse Link)

SeaWing/RainWing hybrid (75% Sea/25% Rain)

Weather forecaster with his wings and scales that show weather radar

Makes up a weather watching/storm chasing team with Sundial and ThunderSnow

Boyfriend of Sundial

Radar can show any kind of weather (rain/thunderstorms, hurricanes, snow storms, tornadoes, etc.)

Eejanaika (Toyhouse Link)

SkyWing/RainWing hybrid

Name pronounced Edge-a-NYE-ka

Goes by Eej as a nickname

Has issues with anxiety and self-confidence

Demisexual, girlfriend of ThunderSnow

Has a short right horn, RainWing frill spines with no membrane, a double-pointed nose spike and is missing every other spine along her back as a result of being a hybrid

Name and design based on the old color scheme for the Eejanaika roller coaster at Fuji-Q Highland in Japan

Firecracker (Toyhouse Link)

Jack Russell Terrier

Small but full of energy!

Loves 4th of July themed snacks and baked goods (his personal fav are Star Spangled Ding Dongs haha)

Friends with Starburst over their shared energetic lifestyle and red white and blue color solidarity :]

Isaac (Toyhouse Link)

Celestdog - Australian Shepherd

Nonbinary Asexual

Quiet and reserved, generally prefers to do their own thing

Very smart, loves trivia facts

Sibling to Moxie and the rest of the Celestdog family

Kwaro (Toyhouse Link)

SilkWing

Gay, boyfriends with Rutabaga (owned by @/macaronichewtoyz)

Likes to sing, but is self-conscious about singing in front of others

Generally softspoken

Kinda velvety soft rather than full scales

Luau (Toyhouse Link)

Major comfort OC

Very chill, laid back attitude

Good friends with PB and Shep

Occasionally guest vocalist for Let's Get Back! and often runs the lights/effects for their shows

Always has a flower in her hair, but can be any flower!

Girlfriends with Seabreeze

Moxie (Toyhouse Link)

Celestdog - Siberian Husky

Another major comfort OC

Loves to have fun, can play a little rough sometimes but always means well

A bit bigger and more stocky than Isaac

Sister to Isaac and the rest of the Celestdog family

Pebble (Toyhouse Link)

Small and fluffy with long, silky fur

Husky/Samoyed mix

Hates getting his fur dirty

Smallest of my feral dog OCs

Pumpernickel (Toyhouse Link)

Twin brother to Rye

Drummer and backup vocalist for Let's Get Back!

Easygoing and relaxed

Enjoys being outside at night

Rhazz (Toyhouse Link)

Huge comfort OC

Design and personality based around the Roaring Twenties

Super energetic and affectionate

Lesbian, girlfriends with Agouti

Stage performance partners with Foxtrot

Has a necklace, two hoop earrings on her left ear, a ring on her left horn and a feathered headdress (all are not optional when drawing her!)

Rye (Toyhouse Link)

Twin to Pumpernickel

A bit more rambunctious than his twin

Likes to strut around thinking he's cool stuff when he's really just kind of a dork

Keyboardist, backup guitarist and backup vocalist for Let's Get Back!

Seabreeze (Toyhouse Link)

Lively surfer girl

Girlfriends with Luau

Good friends with Starburst as well, as both are pretty adventurous

Always has her lucky seashell necklace

Wilkołak (Toyhouse Link)

Big scary (or at least he tries to be scary) transgender wolf guy

Name can be pronounced either Veel-koak or Will-ko-Lack (His name means Werewolf in Polish)

Tallest of my anthro OCs

Has hydrokinetic powers and his blue markings glow when he uses them

Used to be a WoF Fantribe OC named Galeforce before I redesigned him lol

SECONDARY OCS

Arroyo (Toyhouse Link)

SandWIng

Sometimes acts as an older brother figure to Rhazz

Higher-up at a gold mine in the desert

Ruff is stylized to look like messy hair

Foxtrot (Toyhouse Link)

NightWing/SilkWing hybrid

Stage performer, performance partners with Rhazz

Loves showtunes music

Feel free to simplify his design if needed lmao

Magma (Toyhouse Link)

Biggest of any of my dragon characters

Veteran of some war (he never specifically says which)

Has a scar on his tail

Adoptive older brother to Sunrise

Fits the "cool uncle who brings the kids awesome gifts at their birthdays and holidays" role

Sundial (Toyhouse Link)

IceWing/RainWing hybrid

Girlfriend of Doppler

Makes up a weather watching/storm chasing team with Doppler and ThunderSnow

Wings show what the sky outside looks like at any given time (day/night, clear/rain/snow, etc. - think like a Minecraft clock lol)

ThunderSnow (Toyhouse Link)

IceWing/SkyWing hybrid

Wavy spines are a hybrid side effect

Wings are meant to look like a blizzard, icicles and lightning, all meant to tie back to his name

Storm chaser, works with Doppler and Sundial

Boyfriend of Eejanaika

Wanderlust (Toyhouse Link)

SilkWing

Owns a safari tour business in Pantala

Sometimes wears a pith helmet at an angle as part of her tours :]

Probably has an Australian accent lol

Her catchphrase/business tagline is "Everybody needs a little more wonder in their lives!"

TERTIARY OCS

Cenote (Toyhouse Link)

PackWing (WoF Fantribe)

Name is pronounced Seh-noh-Tay)

Lives in the forest and has a lot of knowledge about herbs and plants and stuff

Spends so much time in the woods that the smell tends to follow him wherever he goes

Markings and stuff can be simplified if needed lol

Chernobyl (Toyhouse Link)

NightWing/SandWing hybrid

Used to be the king of a fantribe I had made called FissionWings, which is why he has his floaty crown

Orange stripe along his flank is highly radioactive

The spots on his wings flicker with little sparks of radiation

Generally cold and stoic, usually keeps to himself

South (Toyhouse Link)

Melanistic IceWing

Named to contrast all of the IceWing OCs named North lmao

Youngest/smallest of all my dragon OCs

Very innocent and happy since he's still pretty young

Love to play with his friends

StrangeEvidence (Toyhouse Link)

NightWing with weak future seeing powers

Based on the terrible Science Channel show of the same name [I have no shame]

Tries to interpret his visions but goes like, way overboard and sounds ridiculous in the process

When they turn out to be something totally mundane, he's just like  "alright, so that's what that's about. Hm, neat" and walks away

These last two are doubled up due to Tumblr's 30 image per post limit </3

Sunrise (Toyhouse Link)

Also fairly young, but older than South (like what would be tween age in humans)

Kind of a ditz and lacks any kind of inhibition, which sometimes gets her into trouble

Adoptive younger sister to Magma, who often helps her out of the trouble she gets herself into

Tōhoku (Toyhouse Link)

SeaWing/SandWing hybrid

Lives by the beach

Loves to cook and owns a snack shack by the ocean

Very chill, would probably host a surfing contest

[tumbleinthenet]

SamFrazie with 6, 8 and/or 21?

i'm so sorry... you're going to get so many headcanons spewed at you and almost none of them are going to make sense. take this all in assuming that sam: 1. is blastokinetic and 2. killed her father on accident as a child, thus thoroughly destroying her already tense relationship with her mother and probably seeing her very rarely from that point on.

6.) What about their environment influences them?

they're short of options for other people to talk to, honestly. they're very similar kinds of girls, brought up in homes that were never normal, even if the aquatos were happier than the booles in myself and my friend's shared headcanons. frazie grew up molded by the experience of being an eldest sister and so did sam. they have to protect their siblings from the bullshit their parents put them through (though i think sam does a better job of that). i don't think frazie is the oldest technically, i do think she's dions younger twin, but being the eldest sister is still a very unique experience.

they're very abrasive in very specific ways (a little violent, a little unhinged). they don't have much experience with other people their age. they're just going to kind of drift together no matter what. (sorry if this answer makes no sense for this question, its 2 am and im having trouble parsing it so i just threw in every kind of answer i thought made sense)

8.) Is there a third party involved that influences them in anyway?

in most cases, it's probably their brothers that push things forward. raz and dogen being friends would be a good enough push for sam to check out raz's other siblings, and frazie knows sam was the least fucked up to raz when it came to everything so she doesn't dislike her as much as she initially does the other interns.

in some cases, norma is the linchpin. i just don't super ship her with frazie which has led to me putting her into kind of an antagonistic role sometimes? frazie battles her sexuality long enough to confess to norma, they don't have a very fulfilling relationship (norma's bound to other things. she likes frazie well enough but she's probably a little nervous about her own sexuality along with familial pressure and the image of herself she likes to put out into the world. a partner, especially one as reckless and wild as frazie, just doesn't work for her. she gets colder and colder and eventually turns away from her completely.), sam picks her up when she gets dropped and becomes the surprise rebound. they bounce off each other better than expected.

there's also donatella? i don't think she has any specific role in things, but my view of her is as a woman who does not hold any particular liking for her daughters. i love dona. i think she's great. i also think she's a boy mom, and her only involvement with her girls is to teach them how to be proper women. i don't think frazie's into that. i think she worries a lot about how her mom thinks of her. tala's the little primadonna to be; it was never going to be her.

she feels a lot like she's worth nothing in the family dynamic (she has nothing that's her own as compared to her siblings, she has nowhere to go and nothing to be without the circus) and i think dona influenced a lot of that thinking just for bringing up the boys to a different standard. i think she's very much a papa's girl but he fucked her up too, in different but very noticeable ways 😭

21.) How much of the issues are external vs internal?

for them, it's probably more internal. i think of frazie as having a really hard time coming out, and struggling with being a lesbian not because she hates herself for being one or hates the idea, but because she worries a lot about how she'll be seen by her family and by the greater public. it takes a long time for her to get to the idea of being in a relationship, and once she's in one, she's pretty private about it with everyone except dion, when they're getting along well enough for him to listen.

sam talks about it pretty much openly, though it only comes up on occasion. the external bits of this are that frazie has a hard time with pda and it does Not Feel Good for sam, as well that she just really struggles with knowing when is too far. frazie is used to talking with her siblings, she knows what they can take both physically and mentally, and even then she sometimes hurts their feelings. she probably hits the wrong button with sam a few times and doesn't know how to apologize, even if it's kind of hard to tell when sam's feeling hurt at all.

sam, imo, has kind of a fear of intimacy but is trying? she nuked her home life pretty hard and doesn't know how to come back from that. she puts people at lengths. they both don't really know how to navigate a relationship but it's super frustrating to her that frazie doesn't even seem to be trying to get over her own hurdles.

just as well, they really don't know how to communicate. it's probably their first relationship ever in any world where norma isn't a part of the situation, and they don't have many close relationships with people outside of that. plus, they're teenage girls. they're still figuring themselves out. being psychic doesn't help everything. they have to figure out how to talk to each other.

[dionysiandevotee]

QUEERS READ THIS

A leaflet distributed at pride march in NY Published anonymously by Queers

June, 1990

How can I tell you. How can I convince you, brother, sister that your life is in danger: That everyday you wake up alive, relatively happy, and a functioning human being, you are committing a rebellious act. You as an alive and functioning queer are a revolutionary. There is nothing on this planet that validates, protects or encourages your existence. It is a miracle you are standing here reading these words. You should by all rights be dead. Don't be fooled, straight people own the world and the only reason you have been spared is you're smart, lucky or a fighter. Straight people have a privilege that allows them to do whatever they please and fuck without fear. But not only do they live a life free of fear; they flaunt their freedom in my face. Their images are on my TV, in the magazine I bought, in the restaurant I want to eat in, and on the street where I live. I want there to be a moratorium on straight marriage, on babies, on public displays of affection among the opposite sex and media images that promote heterosexuality. Until I can enjoy the same freedom of movement and sexuality, as straights, their privilege must stop and it must be given over to me and my queer sisters and brothers. Straight people will not do this voluntarily and so they must be forced into it. Straights must be frightened into it. Terrorized into it. Fear is the most powerful motivation. No one will give us what we deserve. Rights are not given they are taken, by force if necessary. It is easier to fight when you know who your enemy is. Straight people are your enemy. They are your enemy when they don't acknowledge your invisibility and continue to live in and contribute to a culture that kills you. Every day one of us is taken by the enemy. Whether it's an AIDS death due to homophobic government inaction or a lesbian bashing in an all-night diner (in a supposedly lesbian neighborhood).

AN ARMY OF LOVERS CANNOT LOSE

Being queer is not about a right to privacy; it is about the freedom to be public, to just be who we are. It means everyday fighting oppression; homophobia, racism, misogyny, the bigotry of religious hypocrites and our own self-hatred. (We have been carefully taught to hate ourselves.) And now of course it means fighting a virus as well, and all those homo-haters who are using AIDS to wipe us off the face of the earth. Being queer means leading a different sort of 2 life. It's not about the mainstream, profit-margins, patriotism, patriarchy or being assimilated. It's not about executive directors, privilege and elitism. It's about being on the margins, defining ourselves; it's about gender- fuck and secrets, what's beneath the belt and deep inside the heart; it's about the night. Being queer is "grass roots" because we know that everyone of us, every body, every cunt, every heart and ass and dick is a world of pleasure waiting to be explored. Everyone of us is a world of infinite possibility. We are an army because we have to be. We are an army because we are so powerful. (We have so much to fight for; we are the most precious of endangered species.) And we are an army of lovers because it is we who know what love is. Desire and lust, too. We invented them. We come out of the closet, face the rejection of society, face firing squads, just to love each other! Every time we fuck, we win. We must fight for ourselves (no one else is going to do it) and if in that process we bring greater freedom to the world at large then great. (We've given so much to that world: democracy, all the arts, the concepts of love, philosophy and the soul, to name just a few gifts from our ancient Greek Dykes, Fags.) Let's make every space a Lesbian and Gay space. Every street a part of our sexual geography. A city of yearning and then total satisfaction. A city and a country where we can be safe and free and more. We must look at our lives and see what's best in them, see what is queer and what is straight and let that straight chaff fall away! Remember there is so, so little time. And I want to be a lover of each and every one of you. Next year, we march naked.

ANGER

"The strong sisters told the brothers that there were two important things to remember about the coming revolutions, the first is that we will get our asses kicked. The second, is that we will win." I'm angry. I'm angry for being condemned to death by strangers saying, "You deserve to die" and "AIDS is the cure." Fury erupts when a Republican woman wearing thousands of dollars of garments and jewelry minces by the police lines shaking her head, chuckling and wagging her finger at us like we are recalcitrant children making absurd demands and throwing temper tantrum when they aren't met. Angry while Joseph agonizes over $8,000 a over for AZT which might keep him alive a little longer and which makes him sicker than the disease he is diagnosed with. Angry as I listen to a man tell me that after changing his will five times he's running out of people to leave things to. All of his best friends are dead. Angry when stand in a sea of quilt panels, or go to a candlelight march or attend yet another memorial service. I will not march silently with a fucking candle and I want to take that goddamned quilt and wrap myself in it and furiously rend it and my hair and curse every god 3 religion ever created. I refuse to accept a creation that cuts people down in the third decade of their life. It is cruel and vile and meaningless and everything I have in me rails against the absurdity and I raise my face to the clouds and a ragged laugh that sounds more demonic than joyous erupts from my throat and tears stream down my face and if this disease doesn't kill me, I may just die of frustration. My feet pound the streets and Peter's hands are chained to a pharmaceutical company's reception desk while the receptionist looks on in horror and Eric's body lies rotting in a Brooklyn cemetery and I'll never hear his flute resounding off the walls of the meeting house again. And I see the old people in Tompkins Square Park huddled in their long wool coats in June to keep out the cold they perceive is there and to cling to whatever little life has left to offer them. I'm reminded of the people who strip and stand before a mirror each night before they go to bed and search their bodies for any mark that might not have been there yesterday. A mark that this scourge has visited them. And I'm angry when the newspapers call us "victims" and sound alarms that "it" might soon spread to the "general population." And I want to scream "Who the fuck am I?" And I want to scream at New York Hospital with its yellow plastic bags marked "isolation linen", "ropa infecciosa" and its orderlies in latex gloves and surgical masks skirting the bed as if its occupant will suddenly leap out and douse them with blood and semen giving them too the plague. And I'm angry at straight people who sit smugly wrapped in their self-protective coat of monogamy and heterosexuality confident that this disease has nothing to do with them because "it" only happens to "them." And the teenage boys who upon spotting my Silence=Death button begin chanting "Faggot's gonna die" and I wonder, who taught them this? Enveloped in fury and fear, I remain silent while my button mocks me every step of the way. And the anger I fell when a television program on the quilt gives profiles of the dead and the list begins with a baby, a teenage girl who got a blood transfusion, an elderly baptist minister and his wife and when they finally show a gay man, he's described as someone who knowingly infected teenage male prostitutes with the virus. What else can you expect from a faggot? I'm angry.

QUEER ARTISTS

Since time began, the world has been inspired by the work of queer artists. In exchange, there has been suffering, there has been pain, there has been violence. Throughout history, society has struck a bargain with its queer citizens: they may pursue creative careers, if they do it discreetly. Through the arts queers are productive, lucrative, entertaining and even uplifting. These are the clear-cut and useful by-products of what is otherwise considered antisocial behavior. In cultured circles, queers 4 may quietly coexist with an otherwise disapproving power elite. At the forefront of the most recent campaign to bash queer artists is Jesse Helms, arbiter of all that is decent, moral, christian and amerikan. For Helms, queer art is quite simply a threat to the world. In his imaginings, heterosexual culture is too fragile to bear up to the admission of human or sexual diversity. Quite simply, the structure of power in the Judeo-Christian world has made procreation its cornerstone. Families having children assures consumers for the nation's products and a work force to produce them, as well as a built-in family system to care for its ill, reducing the expense of public healthcare systems. ALL NON-PROCREATIVE BEHAVIOR IS CONSIDERED A THREAT, from homosexuality to birth control to abortion as an option. It is not enough, according to the religious right, to consistently advertise procreation and heterosexuality ... it is also necessary to destroy any alternatives. It is not art Helms is after .... IT IS OUR LIVES! Art is the last safe place for lesbians and gay men to thrive. Helms knows this, and has developed a program to purge queers from the one arena they have been permitted to contribute to our shared culture. Helms is advocating a world free from diversity or dissent. It is easy to imagine why that might feel more comfortable to those in charge of such a world. It is also easy to envision an amerikan landscape flattened by such power. Helms should just ask for what he is hinting at: State sponsored art, art of totalitarianism, art that speaks only in christian terms, art which supports the goals of those in power, art that matches the sofas in the Oval Office. Ask for what you want, Jesse, so that men and women of conscience can mobilize against it, as we do against the human rights violations of other countries, and fight to free our own country's dissidents.

IF YOU'RE QUEER,

Queers are under siege. Queers are being attacked on all fronts and I'm afraid it's ok with us. In 1969, there were 50 "Queer Bashings" in the month of May alone. Violent attacks, 3,720 men, women and children died of AIDS in the same month, caused by a more violent attack --- government inaction, rooted in society's growing homophobia. This is institutionalized violence, perhaps more dangerous to the existence of queers because the attackers are faceless. We allow these attacks by our own continued lack of action against them. AIDS has affected the straight world and now they're blaming us for AIDS and using it as a way to justify their violence against us. They don't want us anymore. They will beat us, rape us and kill us before they will continue to live with us. What 5 will it take for this not to be ok? Feel some rage. If rage doesn't empower you, try fear. If that doesn't work, try panic.

SHOUT IT!

Be proud. Do whatever you need to do to tear yourself away from your customary state of acceptance. Be free. Shout. In 1969, Queers fought back. In 1990, Queers say ok. Next year, will we be here?

I HATE ...

I hate Jesse Helms. I hate Jesse Helms so much I'd rejoice if he dropped down dead. If someone killed him I'd consider it his own fault. I hate Ronald Reagan, too, because he mass-murdered my people for eight years. But to be honest, I hate him even more for eulogizing Ryan White without first admitting his guilt, without begging forgiveness for Ryan's death and for the deaths of tens of thousands of other PWA's --- most of them queer. I hate him for making a mockery of our grief. I hate the fucking Pope, and I hate John fucking Cardinal fucking O'Connor, and I hate the whole fucking Catholic Church. The same goes for the Military, and especially for Amerika's Law Enforcement Officials --- the cops --- state sanctioned sadists who brutalize street transvestites, prostitutes and queer prisoners. I also hate the medical and mental health establishments, particularly the psychiatrist who conviced me not to have sex with men for three years until we (meaning he) could make me bisexual rather than queer. I also hate the education profession, for its share in driving thousands of queer teens to suicide every year. I hate the "respectable" art world; and the entertainment industry, and the mainstream media, especially The New York Times. In fact, I hate every sector of the straight establishment in this country --- the worst of whom actively want all queers dead, the best of whom never stick their necks out to keep us alive. I hate straight people who think they have anything intelligent to say about "outing." I hate straight people who think stories about themselves are "universal" but stories about us are only about homosexuality. I hate straight recording artists who make their careers off of queer people, then attack us, then act hurt when we get angry and then deny having wronged us rather than apologize for it. I hate straight people who say, "I don't see why you feel the need to wear those buttons and t-shirts. I don't go around telling the whole world I'm straight." I hate that in twelve years of public education I was never taught about queer people. I hate that I grew up thinking I was the only queer in the world, and I hate even more that most queer kids still grow up the same way. I 6 hate that I was tormented by other kids for being a faggot, but more that I was taught to feel ashamed for being the object of their cruelty, taught to feel it was my fault. I hate that the Supreme Court of this country says it's okay to criminalize me because of how I make love. I hate that so many straight people are so concerned about my goddamned sex life. I hate that so many twisted straight people become parents, while I have to fight like hell to be allowed to be a father. I hate straights.

WHERE ARE YOU SISTERS?

I wear my pink triangle everywhere. I do not lower my voice in public when talking about lesbian love or sex. I always tell people I'm a lesbian. I don't wait to be asked about my "boyfriend." I don't say it's "no one's business." I don't do this for straight people. Most of them don't know what the pink triangle even means. Most of them couldn't care less that my girlfriend and I are totally in love or having a fight on the street. Most of them don't notice us no matter what we do. I do what I do to reach other lesbians. I do what I do because I don't want lesbians to assume I'm a straight girl. I am out all the time, everywhere, because I WANT TO REACH YOU. Maybe you'll notice me, maybe we'll start talking, maybe we'll exchange numbers, maybe we'll become friends. Maybe we won't say a word but our eyes will meet and I will imagine you naked, sweating, openmouthed, your back arched as I am fucking you. And we'll be happy to know we aren't the only ones in the world. We'll be happy because we found each other, without saying a word, maybe just for a moment. But no. You won't wear a pink triangle on that linen lapel. You won't meet my eyes if I flirt with you on the street. You avoid me on the job because I'm "too" out. You chastise me in bars because I'm "too political." You ignore me in public because I bring "too much" attention to "my" lesbianism. But then you want me to be your lover, you want me to be your friend, you want me to love you, support, you, fight for "OUR" right to exist.

WHERE ARE YOU?

You talk, talk, talk about invisibility and then retreat to your homes to nest with your lovers or carouse in a bar with pals and stumble home in a cab or sit silently and politely by while your family, your boss, your neighbors, your public servants distort and disfigure us, deride us and punish us. Then home again and you feel like screaming. Then you pad your anger with a relationship or a career or a party with other dykes like you and still you wonder why we can't find each other, why you feel lonely, angry, alienated.

GET UP, WAKE UP SISTERS!!

7 Your life is in your hands. When I risk it all to be out, I risk it for both of us. When I risk it all and it works (which it often does if you would try it), I benefit and so do you. When it doesn't work, I suffer and you do not. But girl you can't wait for other dykes to make the world safe for you. STOP waiting for a better more lesbian future! The revolution could be here if we started it. Where are you sisters? I'm trying to find you, I'm trying to find you. How come I only see you on Gay Pride Day? We're OUT, Where the fuck are YOU? 8

WHEN ANYONE ASSAULTS YOU FOR BEING QUEER, IT IS QUEER BASHING. RIGHT?

A crowd of 50 people exit a gay bar as it closes. Across the street, some straight boys are shouting "Faggots" and throwing beer bottles at the gathering, which outnumbers them by 10 to 1. Three queers make a move to respond, getting no support from the group. Why did a group this size allow themselves to be sitting ducks? Tompkins Square Park, Labor Day. At an annual outdoor concert/drag show, a group of gay men were harassed by teens carrying sticks. In the midst of thousands of gay men and lesbians, these straight boys beat two gay men to the ground, then stood around triumphantly laughing amongst themselves. The emcee was alerted and warned the crowd from the stage, "You girls be careful. When you dress up it drives the boys crazy," as if it were a practical joke inspired by what the victims were wearing rather than a pointed attack on anyone and everyone at that event. What would it have taken for that crowd to stand up to its attackers? After James Zappalorti, an openly gay man, was murdered in cold blood on Staten Island this winter, a single demonstration was held in protest. Only one hundred people came. When Yuseuf Hawkins, a black youth, was shot to death for being on "white turf" in Bensonhurst, African Americans marched through that neighborhood in large numbers again and again. A black person was killed BECAUSE HE WAS BLACK, and people of color throughout the city recognized it and acted on it. The bullet that hit Hawkins was meant for a black man, ANY black man. Do most gays and lesbians think that the knife that punctured Zappalorti's heart was meant only for him? The straight world has us so convinced that we are helpless and deserving victims of the violence against us, that queers are immobilized when faced with a threat. BE OUTRAGED! These attacks must not be tolerated. DO SOMETHING. Recognize that any act of aggression against any member of our community is an attack on every member of the community. The more we allow homophobes to inflict violence, terror and fear on our lives, the more frequently and ferociously we will be the object of their hatred. Your immeasurably valuable, because unless you start believing that, it can easily be taken from you. If you know how to gently and efficiently immobilize your attacker, then by all means, do it. If you lack those skills, then think about gouging out his fucking eyes, slamming his nose back into his brain, slashing his throat with a broken bottle --- do whatever you can, whatever you have to, to save your life! 9

reeuQ yhW

Queer!

Ah, do we really have to use that word? It's trouble. Every gay person has his or her own take on it. For some it means strange and eccentric and kind of mysterious. That's okay, we like that. But some gay girls and boys don't. They think they're more normal than strange. And for others "queer" conjures up those awful memories of adolescent suffering. Queer. It's forcibly bittersweet and quaint at best --- weakening and painful at worst. Couldn't we just use "gay" instead? It's a much brighter word and isn't it synonymous with "happy?" When will you militants grow up and get over the novelty of being different?

WHY QUEER

Well, yes, "gay " is great. It has its place. But when a lot of lesbians and gay men wake up in the morning we feel angry and disgusted, not gay. So we've chosen to call ourselves queer. Using "queer" is a way of reminding us how we are perceived by the rest of the world. It's a way of telling ourselves we don't have to be witty and charming people who keep our lives discreet and marginalized in the straight world. We use queer as gay men loving lesbians and lesbians loving being queer. Queer, unlike GAY, doesn't mean MALE. And when spoken to other gays and lesbians it's a way of suggesting we close ranks, and forget (temporarily) our individual differences because we face a more insidious common enemy. Yeah, QUEER can be a rough word but it is also a sly and ironic weapon we can steal from the homophobe's hands and use against him.

NO SEX POLICE

For anyone to say that coming out is not part of the revolution is missing the point. Positive sexual images and what they manifest saves lives because they affirm those lives and make it possible for people to attempt to live as self-loving instead of self-loathing. As the famous "Black is beautiful" slogan changed many lives, so does "Read my lips" affirm queerness in the face of hatred and invisibility as displayed in a recent governmental study of suicides that states at least one third of all teen suicides are Queer kids. This is further exemplified by the rise in HIV transmission among those under 21. We are most hated as queers for our sexualness, that is, our physical contact with the same sex. Our sexuality and sexual expression are what makes us most susceptible to physical violence. Our difference, our otherness, our uniqueness can either paralyze us or politicize us. Hopefully, the majority of us will not let it kill us. 10

QUEER SPACE

Why in the world do we let heteros into queer clubs? Who gives a fuck if they like us because we "really know how to party?" WE HAVE TO IN ORDER TO BLOW OFF THE STEAM THEY MAKE US FEEL ALL THE TIME! They make out wherever they please, and take up too much room on the dance floor doing ostentatious couples dances. They wear their heterosexuality like a "Keep Out" sign, or like a deed of ownership. Why the fuck do we tolerate them when they invade our space like it's their right? Why do we let them shove heterosexuality --- a weapon their world wields against us - -- right in our faces in the few public spots where we can be sexy with each other and not fear attack? It's time to stop letting the straight people make all the rules. Let's start by posting this sign outside every queer club and bar:

RULES OF CONDUCT FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE

1. Keep your display of affection (kissing, handholding, embracing) to a minimum. Your sexuality is unwanted and offensive to many here. 2. If you must slow dance, be as inconspicuous as possible. 3. Do not gawk or stare at lesbians or gay men, especially bull dykes or drag queens. We are not your entertainment. 4. If you cannot comfortably deal with someone of the same sex making a pass at you, get out. 5. Do not flaunt your heterosexuality. Be Discreet. Risk being mistaken for a lezzie or a homo. 6. If you feel these rules are unfair, go fight homophobia in straight clubs, or: 7. Go Fuck Yourself.

I HATE STRAIGHTS

I have friends. Some of them are straight. Year after year, I see my straight friends. I want to see them, to see how they are doing, to add newness to our long and complicated histories, to experience some continuity. Year after year I continue to realize that the facts of my life are irrelevant to them and that I am only half listened to, that I am an appendage to the doings of a greater world, a world of power and privilege, of the laws of installation, a world of exclusion. "That's not true," argue my straight friends. There is the one certainty in the politics of power: those left out of it beg for inclusion, while the insiders claim that they already are. Men do it to women, whites do it to blacks, and everyone does it to queers. The main dividing line, both conscious and unconscious, is procreation ... and that magic word --- Family. Frequently, the ones we are born into disown us when they find out who we really are, and to make matters worse, we are prevented from having our own. We are punished, insulted, cut off, and treated like seditionaries 11 in terms of child rearing, both damned if we try and damned if we abstain. It's as if the propagation of the species is such a fragile directive that without enforcing it as if it were an agenda, humankind would melt back into the primeval ooze. I hate having to convice straight people that lesbians and gays live in a war zone, that we're surrounded by bomb blasts only we seem to hear, that our bodies and souls are heaped high, dead from fright or bashed or raped, dying of grief or disease, stripped of our personhood. I hate straight people who can't listen to queer anger without saying "hey, all straight people aren't like that. I'm straight too, you know," as if their egos don't get enough stroking or protection in this arrogant, heterosexist world. Why must we take care of them, in the midst of our just anger brought on by their fucked up society?! Why add the reassurance of "Of course, I don't mean you. You don't act that way." Let them figure out for themselves whether they deserve to be included in our anger. But of course that would mean listening to our anger, which they almost never do. They deflect it, by saying "I'm not like that" or "Now look who's generalizing" or "You'll catch more flies with honey ... " or "If you focus on the negative you just give out more power" or "you're not the only one in the world who's suffering." They say "Don't yell at me, I'm on your side" or "I think you're overreacting" or "BOY, YOU'RE BITTER." They've taught us that good queers don't get mad. They've taught us so well that we not only hide our anger from them, we hide it from each other.

WE EVEN HIDE IT FROM OURSELVES.

We hide it with substance abuse and suicide and overarhcieving in the hope of proving our worth. They bash us and stab us and shoot us and bomb us in ever increasing numbers and still we freak out when angry queers carry banners or signs that say BASH BACK. For the last decade they let us die in droves and still we thank President Bush for planting a fucking tree, applaud him for likening PWAs to car accident victims who refuse to wear seatbelts. LET YOURSELF BE ANGRY. Let yourself be angry that the price of our visibility is the constant threat of violence, anti- queer violence to which practically every segment of this society contributes. Let yourself feel angry that THERE IS NO PLACE IN THIS COUNTRY WHERE WE ARE SAFE, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack, the self-hatred, the suicide --- of the closet. The next time some straight person comes down on you for being angry, tell them that until things change, you don't need any more evidence that the world turns at your expense. You don't need to see only hetero couple grocery shopping on your TV ... You don't want any more baby pictures shoved in your face until you can have or keep your own. No more weddings, showers, anniversaries, please, unless they are our own brothers and sisters celebrating. And tell them not to dismiss you by saying "You have rights," "You have privileges," "You're 12 overreacting," or "You have a victim's mentality." Tell them "GO AWAY FROM ME, until YOU can change." Go away and try on a world without the brave, strong queers that are its backbone, that are its guts and brains and souls. Go tell them go away until they have spent a month walking hand in hand in public with someone of the same sex. After they survive that, then you'll hear what they have to say about queer anger. Otherwise, tell them to shut up and listen.

[chipped-chimera]

If there was one thing you could change about Tumblr, what would it be?

(taken from my answer to the Tumblr use survey)

I know it'd be impossible to do, but reinstating NSFW content availability. Before the ban, Tumblr had something that hasn't been seen again since. It's been written about in multiple media outlets. It's probably already known but Tumblr's user base skews largely female, neurodivergent and/or queer. Since it started it's been a bit of a shelter for minorities. Back when NSFW was allowed, this fostered a safe environment for sexual expression away from the mainstream, male dominated/male gaze version we're blasted with every day.

This produced something I've never seen since and have been searching for, unable to find it. It's hard to put into words. As someone female and a lesbian, most often I am used to seeing women and my sexuality objectified for the pleasure of men. Every time I try to find a representation of myself in sexual expression - which I should not feel shamed for as it is another facet of the healthy human experience - I am hit with these images of highly sexually objectified women, staring into the barrels of cameras as if appealing to the viewer. It is all for show and I'm not the target audience. I see lesbian characters from media I love being fucked by men. I see female characters being fucked by men, staring blankly at the viewer with a dead expression. They are not enjoying the experience and that is being shoved right in my face. And it was done with INTENT. It's saying to me: look at this character. You may like her. You may admire her. But we've reduced her to a sexual object for men, and she is not even happy about it - and we enjoy that as men. I am a woman, and I am not sexually celebrated. I am a sexual object. Even though I don't want anything to do with men. This is constantly shoved in my face.

I refer to Tumblr pre-nsfw ban as the 'golden age' Tumblr when I talk about it. Due to the demographics being largely outside men, it meant the content was being made FOR us BY us. This resulted in sexual expressions I've not seen anywhere since - proud expressions of all different kinds of bodies outside the very narrow 'norm' or male target audience. Hairy women. Butch women. Women proudly showing off cellulite and stretch marks, looking to the viewer with JOY! Queer made artwork showing off these diverse, natural! bodies, characters gazing at each other with intimacy, not at the viewer. It was about love. It was always about love for us I think. Love and joy. It oozed out of everything we made, finally able to have somewhere to express it. It was different, it didn't have mass appeal but it was gentle and passionate. It was a celebration of what we were. Not objectification for mass appeal.

When the NSFW ban happened, we lost a lot of those creators, who migrated to Twitter which diluted them in a sea of more mainstream content. But now with its evolution to X it is unlikely these queer creators are there either. We have no home. No outlet for expression in all our human facets. We're limited to what is 'palatable' for the masses and advertising agencies. Yet every day it's more acceptable to see women being highly objectified in film and mainstream media. In any of the NSFW content that is available. Queer relationships outside the mass appeal to men are completely invisible.

We had something special back then, and we didn't realise the importance and value of it until it was gone. And whether Tumblr is able to bring that back or not, it's likely I'll be searching for that home online, where I feel I can express myself in all of my human facets, without censorship or shame, with complete joy of being until the day I die.

[literalgrill]

I wanted to write about the best anime from 2023 so I did just that! You can support independent blogging by checking it out on my blog, or just click keep reading below and check out my thoughts here. Idk, I'm not your mom, do what you want! But hey, maybe share some cool shows I might have missed too? I love watching good stuff!

Over 300 anime shows and films were released in 2023, no seriously, I went and counted by hand and a bit after 300 is where I gave up! The amount of shows we get each season, let alone in an entire year, has been massively increasing as of late. While I obviously couldn't watch literally everything, it still made it incredibly difficult to narrow things down to a top 10. But you didn't come here to read an intro, let's get into the meat of things! I'll be covering everything from the Winter 2023 season through Fall 2023. Reader beware, minor spoilers ahead! Let's get to it ✦

Honorable Mentions:

Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury Season 2

It felt weird to include just the second part of the show when you need the first season to get the most out of it. While the first also technically ended in 2023 and I could joke about being the best kind of correct, I left this one off the list so other incredible choices could be included. But seriously, go watch one of the best Gundam series of all time!

Kaguya-sama: Love is War: -The First Kiss That Never Ends-

This one also technically could have made it as the episodic version was released during the Spring 2023 season. However, I was fortunate enough to watch it with my partner in a theater, so my experience with it was slightly different. And that movie officially came out in 2022. I would have included this one because of how my partner openly bawled right alongside me as we watched it despite having essentially no previous knowledge of the series. The movie dives deep into traumas surrounding loving oneself and the fears of opening up in intimate relationships in a way that is so powerful and relatable that I had to at least mention it here.

10. I'm in Love with the Villainess

It's easy to pack lists like this with nothing but "high art." It takes more guts to just openly say this slapstick lesbian romance is one of the best shows I saw this year! The show is all about Rae's adventures in her favorite otome game where she wants nothing to do with the princes and everything to do with Claire François. I'm not usually huge on isekai shows these days but common tropes of the genre aren't as in your face here. While her knowledge of the game comes in handy, it is rarely used as a deus ex machina to escape every difficult situation. This series produced so many reaction image worthy stills while still managing to pull quite hard on the heartstrings, especially at the end. I can only hope its second season is announced soon.

9. Sacrificial Princess and the King of Beasts

These days, shojo series are sadly adapted far less often than their shonen counterparts and are rarely even given full adaptations of their material at all. Hearing Sacrificial Princess and the King of Beasts would not only be fully adapted but also have its entire story aired without a break between cours made it instantly stand out as something to keep an eye on. Add hunky and cute furries to the mix and how could I say no?

All kidding aside, the show has over-the-top cheesy romance moments distilled down to such a science that they seriously brought me to tears. It's unfair that shojo anime are stereotyped as being only about romances but it's hard to deny that no stories do romance quite like shojo stories. The machinations of the nobility add political intrigue that kept me hooked throughout as well. Hell, there were even some pretty good fight scenes!

I can't deny the iffy age issues between Sariphi and King Leonhart are a bit ehhhhh and why it's a bit lower on my list, even if these elements are not even remotely focused on in the series at all unlike some more problematic releases in 2023 (I'm looking at you A Girl & Her Guard Dog). But if that's not a dealbreaker for you, I'd recommend giving this underseen gem of 2023 a shot.

8. Ōoku: The Inner Chambers

I admit, I almost missed this one purely by being busy. Its first episode being over an hour long alone was a lot to plan around, so I didn't catch it when it came out in spring. However, Colleen's Manga Recs made an entire video about why people should watch it, so I kept it in the back of my mind until I was free to check it out recently.

I'm so glad that I did! There are far too many half-baked stories released as of late exploring how society might change if a majority or all of the male population were to suddenly die from disease. This one is all the way baked and paints the picture of a fascinating world where gender roles are turned upside down and royalty struggles to maintain succession in a world where men have been traditionally expected to rule. I don't want to spoil much here, it's worth seeing the story yourself. If the first episode gets a tight grip on your mind, you'll enjoy the rest of the series for sure.

Just be warned: The series does discuss and depict sexual assault. Be sure if you're going to check this one out that you're prepared for this and a lot of other heavy subject matter.

7. Yuri Is My Job

Especially for those who have avidly enjoyed lesbian romance stories from Japan, Yuri Is My Job is among the best yuri anime released in years. This is because it not only features a yuri romance, but breaks down historic tropes of the genre itself from the days of early Class S literature. This meta commentary alongside sweet complex romantic relationships came together to become more than just a show where a girl is wrangled into working for an oddly themed private school cafe!

If you're interested in these deeper parts of the show, Anime Feminist released a fantastic retrospective on the anime you'll want to check out. If you haven't seen this one yet and love everything yuri, do yourself a favor and get this on your screen already!

6. Buddy Daddies

It feels like the release of SPY x FAMILY kinda drowned this show out as too many people tried to say it was just a copy trying to ride off the coattails of a major success. This couldn't be less of a case! Just because people in high risk jobs suddenly adopt a daughter doesn't mean their stories will be the same.

Buddy Daddies has some comedic hijinks but is far more focused on what is essentially a queer relationship between two men as they become the best people they can be while taking care of a girl suddenly thrust into their care. How do you get a kid signed up for school, get all her supplies, and help her with the issues a young girl faces all while being top tier assassins? Oh, and did I mention that it's an original anime and not an adaptation to boot? Come for the badass action scenes and stay for the deep emotional core of the show.

5. Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead

It should be obvious I deeply enjoyed Zom 100, hell I made an entire video essay about it! I have few other praises to speak about the show that weren't included there already. I'll just say that the last three episodes of the show absolutely delivered a compelling finale. Check this out for something outside the tropey zombie norm!

4. Overtake!

MF Ghost seemed like it had all the power of Initial D behind it as proof it would be the racing anime of the year, let alone Fall 2023. Overtake! simply made that impossible. It may not be as flashy, but the extremly grounded story of a son trying to follow in the footsteps of his F4 racing father and a man trying to recover from his trauma surrounding taking photographs of people is just so raw and real. The show is character driven to perfection and it's impossible to not care about the hopes and dreams feveryone involved by the time it concludes. The racing is also way more focused in reality than most other shows, which may be a turn off for those who want off-the-walls action, but is a marvel for those who intimately know the actual sport. Another anime original that absolutely swept me off my feet.

3. Helck

If Helck doesn't get a second season I swear I'll start a riot. The show starts off so goofy with this overpowered RPG world hero absolutely demolishing the competition to become the new demon king and quickly becomes a series about maintaining hope and fighting for freedom while within extreme emotional turmoil. There are so many themes in this show that are relevant in current times, especially the bit where the human government paints an entire race of people as being evil despite that not being the case... Hint hint...

I looked more forward to seeing this show than anything else in each week in the Summer 2023 season and can't recommend it more!

2. The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady

This show possibly made me cry harder than anything else released in 2023 which is a driving force behind why it's so high up on my list. It is by far the best isekai of 2023 as well, especially because of how subtly the main character Anisphia Wynn Palettia being reincarnated affects the plot to begin with. There are so many ways this show pulls at the heartstrings from Euphyllia trying to figure out what she wants in her life after knowing little but being raised to marry a prince to the complex darkness held in the heart of Anisphia's brother, there's just so much to dig into here.

It's not too often we get to see a full blown lesbian wedding at the end of a series either. There's no plausible deniability here, no leaving things up to interpretation, this show has lesbians in love! Period! I want to make sure all the emotional beats have their chance to hit so I won't risk spoiling anything more. Just please, pretty please, watch The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady.

1. Pluto

If I could only get people to watch one anime series this year, it would have to be Pluto. The questions it raises on AI and humanity couldn't have come at a better time, and it challenges the viewer to decide what they think instead of simply giving an answer they want you to believe. It directly calls out the kind of garbage America pulled during its "War on Terror" in a time when the country is currently destabilizing the middle east once again. As America actively and publicly funds a genocide despite the wishes of the majority of its citizens. It shows what happens when hate is a driving force behind decisions and how that can and will come back to haunt us all.

All of this is wrapped up in an incredible murder mystery that could have been enough to carry the show all by itself! This brainchild of Naoki Urasawa and Osamu Tezuka himself should be watched by anyone who considers themselves a fan of anime. Hell, show this one to any fan of sci-fi that is prepared for a psychological drama that will knock their socks off.

[pinkarachnia]

Lesbian Anime Review #7 - Aoi Hana ~ Sweet Blue Flowers

Takako never lets me down.

This is my second attempt at writing this review after I accidentally deleted my draft. It's also the most difficult review I've written so far because I have a lot of feelings about this anime. It's good, but I don't think it's perfect. There are a few things that influence my opinions about Aoi Hana and I'll explain as I go, but to start with I did want to make clear that I haven't read the manga for this yet. I've started collecting the volumes and I'll be getting around to it, but I haven't read it at the time of writing this review. I understand that the manga is generally more well-received than the anime, so I'm looking forward to it.

This anime is about high school girls who were friends as kids but have been separated for years when one of them moved away. Akira Okudaira (left) is positive and headstrong and Fumi Manjoume (right) is more reserved and quick to cry. They're reunited when they start high school and they learn that they go to different schools but they get the same train. But this anime isn't really about these two developing a romantic connection, it's more about Fumi and her character development. I have to assume that something more happens between these two in the manga, but I don't know.

So like I said, this anime is about Fumi and her development. Right out the gates she's gay. Fumi is introduced with the information that she has a crush her cousin, but her cousin is marrying some guy and she's pretty cut up about it. I don't know how that kind of thing is perceived in Japan, but it's legal so make of it what you will. Either way, she has to get over it. Thankfully for her, she's going to lesbian high school where everyone is gay.

Fumi ends up in a relationship with the cool girl at school, Yasuko Sugimoto. She's on the basketball team, she's got the whole "girls school prince" thing going on complete with a legion of fans. About a year back, she changed schools from Akira's school to Fumi's, but the drama club from her old school still gets her to play roles in their performances, which is the backdrop for the whole season. Yasuko is playing Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, which I guess is some kind of yuri anime trope? I've started Yuri Kuma Arashi recently and it's all over that. Regardless, Yasuko already has popularity, and her involvement in the play only makes that more visible, so Fumi has to process how she feels about her new gf getting attention from every girl in two schools. She doesn't seem to like it! Akira is there to be Fumi's ally throughout though and she's great.

That's everything I'll say about the plot without going into spoilers. If you want to stop there, I'll say that I like this anime and I think it's worth a look if you enjoy yuri stuff. It's not just yuri bait, so if you can deal with the high school melodrama you might like it.

Spoilers to follow after these images of Kashima from Gekkan-Shoujo Nozaki-kun.

Second season of that show please.

Fumi's development is really shown in contrast to Yasuko, who has gone through a similar experience to Fumi with unrequited love. She has feelings for a teacher from her old school who is going to be marrying one of her sisters and she hasn't gotten over it, which is what causes the real tension between herself and Fumi. I liked the scene where Fumi meets Yasuko's family. She lives with her three sisters and her mother and they're so fun. These women love to shit talk each other and Yasuko can't keep up with the banter. When she introduces Fumi as her girlfriend, one sister says "oh so you're a lesbian? Sorry, I guess you're bisexual" and I have to give them credit for both actually saying the L word and generally for having any discussion of sexuality in an anime. You'd think it would come up more often within the kinds of shows I've been watching, but they love to not talk about it.

Anyway, so Fumi and Yasuko talk about the teacher thing and Yasuko breaks up with Fumi because she's been acting badly and feels like she can't be a good gf to Fumi while she's still processing her feelings for the teacher guy. Later she tries to reestablish the relationship but Fumi rejects her, saying that she's already over it. I thought their relationship was an effective way to show Fumi's growth; she had managed to get over her feelings for her cousin and move on with this new relationship, but when she saw that Yasuko was dealing with similar feelings but was unable to move on, she could see the difference in maturity between the two of them. I love that for her.

The show wraps up at the end of this relationship arc with Fumi remembering that Akira was really her first love and she seems really happy to have reconnected. I can only assume that they pursue that further in the manga, but the anime ends at episode 11. Unlike the ending to other adaptions I've watched, this didn't leave me feeling like the story was incomplete. Obviously there's more to tell, but the story of Fumi's first real relationship started and finished and I thought it was pretty satisfying. I might come back to this when I finish the manga, but without knowing what's missing, I'm not disappointed.

There are some parts of this anime that I didn't love, but it might just be a me thing. Lately I've been reading some of the work of Takako Shimura, the mangaka behind Aoi Hana. Her latest work, Even Though We're Adults, is a gay romance between two 35-year-old women that deals with issues in a way that feels a lot more grown up than the themes of Aoi Hana. I get that a big part of that is that the characters in this anime are teenagers, but part of me knew while I was watching this show that this woman can write better characters than these. I don't think Aoi Hana does a bad job at characterising necessarily, I think I'm just fatigued with high school characters. It's appropriate for stories like these to be about immature people learning how to navigate situations and not always getting it right, but I just want them to talk it out sometimes. Like I said, it's a me problem, but it's my review so what did you expect?

I almost forgot to talk about this but I liked the animation in this show a lot. JC Staff did a great job with this one. I think the opening theme is animated really beautifully, I never got tired of looking at it. The show is from 2009, which I guess was a magical year for good anime. Honestly I'm not sure what else to say about it but it would have been wrong of me not to mention it.

I want to close this out with some final thoughts but it's not easy to sum up how I feel about Aoi Hana. It was a well-animated show about gay characters, but it somehow felt a bit unrealistic, especially contracted to Takako's newer work. I'm accustomed to her characters feeling like they could be real people, which I still think this achieves, but in this show I struggle to get over this feeling of unreality. I can't accept at face value that there are these two girls schools where so many people are gay and no one is weird about it. Fumi has this moment where she comes out to Akira and feels awkward because she's worried she'll think it's gross, but I don't know who gave her that impression because everyone seems pretty gay here to me. It's that contrast between these realistic characters like Fumi who has anxiety over being out as a lesbian to her best friend and has to deal with being in a relationship with someone who is older than her but emotionally younger, but she's in this idyllic world where no one seems to have any issue with gay relationships and a huge amount of the student body appear to be openly gay. One of the schools has nuns and yet no one is homophobic. It just feels a bit off to me.

In summary, this is a high quality show about good characters in gay relationships, but the relationship issues faced by the characters don't seem to be related to their queerness at all. This is fine really, but I prefer it when a show is in conversation with its own LGBT subject matter and while this one acknowledges it more clearly than most anime do, I think there's still room to grow.

I'm not writing a pros/cons list for this show but I'm not above assigning a number value to shows yet, so I'm giving this one an 8/10.

[scorbleeo]

Book Review: Gideon the Ninth

The Locked Tomb (Book 1) by Tamsyn Muir

Source: Google Images

The Emperor needs necromancers.

The Ninth Necromancer needs a swordswoman.

Gideon has a sword, some dirty magazines, and no more time for undead nonsense.

Tamsyn Muir's Gideon the Ninth, first in The Locked Tomb Trilogy, unveils a solar system of swordplay, cut-throat politics, and lesbian necromancers. Her characters leap off the page, as skillfully animated as arcane revenants. The result is a heart-pounding epic science fantasy.

Brought up by unfriendly, ossifying nuns, ancient retainers, and countless skeletons, Gideon is ready to abandon a life of servitude and an afterlife as a reanimated corpse. She packs up her sword, her shoes, and her dirty magazines, and prepares to launch her daring escape. But her childhood nemesis won't set her free without a service.

Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverend Daughter of the Ninth House and bone witch extraordinaire, has been summoned into action. The Emperor has invited the heirs to each of his loyal Houses to a deadly trial of wits and skill. If Harrowhark succeeds she will be become an immortal, all-powerful servant of the Resurrection, but no necromancer can ascend without their cavalier. Without Gideon's sword, Harrow will fail, and the Ninth House will die.

Of course, some things are better left dead.

ISBN: 9781250313188 (2019) | Source: Goodreads

Just So Much of Everything

Gideon the Ninth is a very confusing read so if you are considering this book, please note that Muir included a glossary at the back. I did not know of the glossary's existence until I finished it so it took me a while before I even realised what was thanergy or thalergy. Even then, I still did not quite understand it until I read the glossary so maybe do get yourself acquainted with the glossary before starting on The Locked Tomb trilogy.

When I said Gideon the Ninth is so much of everything, I meant it. Let's begin with Muir's writing style because it is literally the entire book. Muir has a habit of over describing everything and anything which works well when mystery or action are in the play, but when it's just a mundane scene that does not really play into anything, Muir's writing style starts feeling like a drag to read. The good news is there are plenty of mystery or action scenes, the bad news though, the first quarter of Gideon the Ninth doesn't actually need that much descriptive writing. Unless you get past the first quarter, you might not be able to get through the entire book.

Moving on, this is not epic fantasy or hard science fiction but the terminologies used in Gideon the Ninth may beg to differ. This bit plays into the confusion part of my reading experience. As there is not one character in this book that does not know the world of Gideon the Ninth like the back of their hand, so there is no scene where one character asks or answers a question just for the sake of feeding the reader information or explanation. So, our characters just throw their terminologies around in the most casual conversation. This may become a problem if one does not like being in a constant state of confusion for half the book (perhaps a third if the glossary helped).

Briefly mentioned earlier, Gideon the Ninth is an action-packed novel. Personally, I love reading my action scenes. The action comes in almost every other chapter so I can guarantee despite how interesting the story is, this book is not for everyone interested in the premise of The Locked Tomb trilogy.

Last but not least, the amount of deaths truly shocked me. I think it was during the altercation between the Second and Teacher that I finally came to a realisation that there is a lot of deaths in this first book. I honestly have never read a book with this amount of significant deaths before and I'm not hating it even though some deaths pained me.

Gideon the Ninth is not anything I expected it to be, and I seriously got nothing about what the story would be like from the synopsis. Although I enjoyed what I read, I do believe it's just a good beginning to the series, that's all.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

P.S.: Don't we love the banter between Gideon and Harrowhark?