#ever since we both started working fulltime jobs that take a lot out of us both emotionally and physically

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 168

Adjective: Burnt

Noun: Desolation

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Burnt: destroyed, damaged, or injured by heat or fire; (of a part of the body) red and painful from exposure to the sun; (of a color, especially orange or red) of a darkish or dusky shade

Desolation: a state of complete emptiness or destruction; anguished misery or loneliness

[razzamult]

First Post, and hard lessons.

It's been a long time since I've blogged, I used to have an account with blogger.com (remember that?) back in the early 2000's So trying this out again is interesting, seeing what's different, what's similar.

I wanted to start this blog to record some personal thoughts that I've had over the last few years, so there will be some serious posts, including this one, but I do want to lighten things up inbetween.

I feel like I've written and re-written this a dozen times in my head, but it's time to commit and write something down. for those of you who know me, I want to tell a story and maybe you've heard some bits of it already, for any others who happen along? it's a story of anxiety, depression, burnout, a new path maybe? mostly i write this for my own benefit, to remind myself of where I've been & where I'd like to go, and where i don't want to go back to.

But first, some context. I've been working (full time) in IT for….16 years? I think? (give or take), and I'll be honest - I've had enough, and i want out of IT. I remember a time when computers were "simple" beasts (relatively speaking), the earliest memories of using a computer was my mum's 386 (it was a while ago ok!), she was studying a degree, but we had a number of DOS games installed on it (lots of apogee shareware), over time that computer got upgraded, new CPU, more ram, bigger hard drive, Windows 95! that was new & exciting! I remember somewhere along the way mum teaching me enough dos commands that when we bought a new game I could install it without needing help, she just gave me the discs and sent me on my way.

It was in year 10 in high school that i started scrounging enough parts to start making my own computer (or computers as it would become), my first pc being a 386 and the first thing I did was run games on it & dad had a laugh, it was slow, but it was mine! I worked out how to do all the upgrades myself, and over time ended up moving through windows 3.x, 95, 98. by the time i got to windows 2000 i had a 2nd hand IBM desktop, and I was looking after our home network, i think we'd moved from dial-up to ADSL around that time too.

After high school i got into the local TAFE (college for trade certificates), and got a Cert III in IT

I remember not liking XP when it came out (oh god, what is that default theme?! those colours?!), but I built an amd athlon64 system to run it on, all new parts & it was the fastest thing ever! (well, ok, maybe not ever…but it was mine! and it way faster than anything i had previously) i spent days playing warcraft III on that machine, learning how to compile software, playing with virtual machines, and it around this time i landed a job doing helpdesk at the local university.

Helpdesk work was interesting, but it's pretty soul crushing at times, you learn there are people out there who have no idea how to do the equivalent of "fill the tank with gas & check tire pressure", the uni had debated about having a basic computer literacy course for both staff & students, but it never got off the ground. But i pushed through, worked hard, and got recognized as being a good person to talk to in person or on the phone, often out-performing many peers on the helpdesk. We had people on the helpdesk escalating tickets to me, because i was good at working out the "curly" ones.

at some point I got offered a temporary transfer into server admin for 6 months, they'd seen me do good troubleshooting before sending stuff over to them, and they wanted to give me a chance. That ended up turning into fulltime work, that lasted 10 years. I learned a lot in that time, deploying and managing servers, "hearding cats" to get people to agree when an old application can be turned off or upgraded, working on projects. i'm not going to fill this up with IT acronyms but i did get sent on a lot of microsoft & other vendor training and for a number of mission-critical things became first point of contact. I got to experience oncall (and get paid extra for it), and almost single-handedly dragged the windows server fleet up to modern standards.

But in 2022 i couldn't do it anymore. I'd watched over the past years since microsoft fired it's QA staff in 2014, patches got worse, microsoft's promises of improvement got more frequent, and my team (or me specifically) was often stuck between "deploy patch to fix vulnerability or don't deploy patch since it's broken and will break things we depend on", a position that no IT department should find themselves in, having to choose between security and uptime. I'd worked on projects that were so badly run that I'd experienced depression (and some of the places your mind can take you), and while i never acted on the the thoughts during such times, it was not a place that, mentally, i wanted to return to. I'd seen people in other teams at the uni stonewall projects…for what??? no repercussions, one of them even got a promotion. not to mention that in 2021 our IT director/executive staff decided to overrule state government and tell everyone they had to be back in the office (that went down about as well as you'd expect)

2022 was a bad year, we had multiple bad patches we couldn't install on some of our servers until revisions came out, I had a staff member in another team who refused (again…after 4 years…and raising it with my supervisor) to complete work they'd promised, we had a huuuuge amount of work coming down the pipe, and no extra staff, and at some point in july i just broke down over it all. I could not do it any more. I could not push through. my reserves were empty. I had no more to give. things had gotten too hard, things were too complex, I wasn't running a cute 486 playing an apogee game. I was looking after hundreds of servers and multiple cloud environments. these weren't the basic applications that we knew & hated when i arrived, these things were using complex databases and machine learning, and I was expected to understand it all enough to support it. Sure i was part of a team, but people go on leave, I get the on-call phone, I filled in for my manager on occasion, you have to know enough to be able to diagnose and fix things, and it's so. much. now. Things have moved so fast over the last 10 years, and the reward for being able to tread water, for being able to keep up? not more people to help out, but more work, more new technology to learn, in addition to the old technology. It was suffocating, it wasn't sustainable.

And i was dumb enough to think that changing employers would be sufficient. I moved state, found a new job, it paid more, only to find out that the work was worse. the internal documentation was incomplete and the team didn't want to answer questions. clients running systems that were 20 years old (and not supported)….and were planning an upgrade to a system that was 15 years old….and would still not be supported. And all that anxiety? It came back! with friends!

I found a 2nd job, working in IT / healthcare and it was terrifying. we have laws about how medical data is to be stored & handled and my manager told me "there's no laws about this", turns out he was also a sexist & a bigot too. That was a job that didn't see a need to have compliant IT and guess who's getting blamed when shit hits the fan??….well not me….not anymore. The only reason I was able to stay there as long as I did was that I was working part time for most of it.

I spoke to a number of people in IT over the last 2 years and the common theme is that they're all burned out, they've all been screwed by the pace of change or inability to enact required changes. And maybe that pace has been dictated by management not because anyone needed new things, but simply due to those things being new and shiny, or due to complacency. Maybe in other cases it was driven by consumer demand / consumption, maybe as a society we're destroying good IT staff for our own amusement so we can have the goods & services we want when we want them, on our schedule….I don't think I'm qualified to answer that.

But for all that IT has burned me, there are things about it I miss. I miss those times when computing was simpler, when it was easier to understand, when it was just a hobby. I miss being able to comprehend how things worked, rather than feeling like I was part of some cargo cult. I miss when IT was just a hobby and didn't have to understand laws for businesses around it and ensure compliance. I miss when IT was fun.

whoever said that making your hobby a job would make you happy and "you'd never work a day in your life" was lying. whoever said "just push through" never experienced anxiety / depression / burnout (or at least not in the way I did)

If i had piece of advice? If I can leave a message for myself to look back on? Know your limits, you're only human, don't try and push yourself beyond them & hit the wall. Know where that wall is & that it's ok to tap out if need to & you have the means. It's a lesson I had to learn over the last 2 years.

So what does the future hold? I want to go back to IT as a hobby, I can't see myself doing this as a career anymore. and in 2024 I'm going to study for a Library & Information Services Certificate, it'll be a change of pace / direction & should be a good career change.

If you made it this far, thankyou for reading, it's a serious first post i know. But it's been roiling around my head for a while. I should have some more light hearted things to post later

[dearly]

Pete Wentz (6:39:20 PM): Hey Ryan Ross (6:39:39 PM): hey Pete Wentz (6:40:09 PM): Is this the guy fro poanic at the disco Ryan Ross (6:40:23 PM): yeah im ryan, is this pete? Pete Wentz (6:41:12 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (6:41:18 PM): hey man Pete Wentz (6:42:37 PM): How arer you Ryan Ross (6:43:17 PM): im not bad, working on a paper for english. hows everything with the new record? Pete Wentz (6:44:37 PM): Going really well Pete Wentz (6:45:04 PM): How's everything wiht your band are those just remixes Ryan Ross (6:46:01 PM): awesome, yeah we only did those on my laptop because we cant get into a studio yet. but we still have alot of those parts live and full band Pete Wentz (6:46:25 PM): Does it have samples like that Pete Wentz (6:46:42 PM): How many people are in the band.... Are you guys all in hicghschool Ryan Ross (6:47:20 PM): do you mean do we use a sampler? our drummer uses a drum sampler which we put some of the stuff on, and he plays some of it Ryan Ross (6:47:43 PM): im in college. im 18 the other three of them are 17 and in high school Pete Wentz (6:48:26 PM): Like of the pure volume site songs what would not be part of your live show Ryan Ross (6:50:18 PM): well right now the synth stuff because we need a keyboard player. we are trying out a few guys soon though. and some of the drum parts are different. Pete Wentz (6:50:48 PM): I absolutely love the stuff Ryan Ross (6:52:16 PM): but we have two guitar players one sings and i play lead. its kind of hard to describe it. we are a rock band but about half of a song will be dance-ish or sort of 80s sounding Ryan Ross (6:52:28 PM): really? wow thanks alot man Ryan Ross (6:53:12 PM): it really is a huge compliment coming from you Ryan Ross (6:53:35 PM): i was actually really suprised you listened to it Ryan Ross (6:53:40 PM): i didnt expect you to see it Pete Wentz (6:54:00 PM): Is there some pics of you guys anywhere Ryan Ross (6:55:10 PM): no, we are taking them pretty soon for the website, its just not done yet. i have some just of me on livejournal. but thats wierd haha Pete Wentz (6:56:09 PM): Yeah fuck get some to me Pete Wentz (6:56:19 PM): I think I may come see you in californaia Ryan Ross (6:56:44 PM): really? Ryan Ross (6:57:08 PM): that would be awesome Pete Wentz (6:57:46 PM): I've been listeneing to those songs nonstop. Is the band a side thing or is it gonna be fulltime? Ryan Ross (6:58:20 PM): no its full time Ryan Ross (6:59:24 PM): well aside from school. which sucks Ryan Ross (6:59:32 PM): but we want to do this Pete Wentz (7:00:00 PM): When are those kids out of school Ryan Ross (7:00:26 PM): the drummer and bass player are graduating early. so like january and other guitarist/singer graduates in the spring Pete Wentz (7:01:16 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:01:23 PM): Do you know about my label Ryan Ross (7:01:46 PM): yeah i think i saw something a while ago on a journal entry, is gym class heroes the only band on it right now? Pete Wentz (7:03:10 PM): Yeah. I signed the academy. But they are fbr strictly gym class and I am looking for another Pete Wentz (7:03:33 PM): The cool thing about it is I just met with waner and they want both of the bands and to give me an imprint Ryan Ross (7:03:55 PM): oh cool i like the academy alot, oh i see yea i was going to ask you about that Pete Wentz (7:04:03 PM): Which pretty much means a lot more money to promote cool artists Pete Wentz (7:04:14 PM): You guys plays out a lot? Ryan Ross (7:04:39 PM): thats awesome man. actually no we just kind of started this thing up a few months ago, the show in victorville is going to be our first one Pete Wentz (7:05:51 PM): Really Pete Wentz (7:05:56 PM): Interesting Pete Wentz (7:06:11 PM): How much do you guys practice Ryan Ross (7:06:45 PM): we've been trying to figure out the best way to do this stuff live, and we've been having a hard time on figuring out how to make it sound good. depending on the place we might not be able to use all the electronic stuff that we want to do which sucks but alot of venues, at least here might have a hard time setting us up. we practice at

least 4 times a week so like. between 24-30 hours a week Pete Wentz (7:07:09 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:07:21 PM): I am gonna come to the show Ryan Ross (7:08:13 PM): we wish we could more often. but school is getting in the way. and it sucks cause parents think its a waste of time playing music and want me to focus on school. im sure you know how that is. Ryan Ross (7:08:23 PM): thanks alot man really Pete Wentz (7:08:55 PM): I do Pete Wentz (7:09:05 PM): What are peoples reactions to it Ryan Ross (7:10:04 PM): some good some bad. everyone is so into post hardcore stuff these days that some kids just brush it off. which is fine but then some kids like it cause its a little different i guess Pete Wentz (7:11:30 PM): Can that kid sing live? Ryan Ross (7:12:54 PM): yeah, he's been taking voice lessons for a little bit so thats starting to help him Pete Wentz (7:13:19 PM): Is he on? I mean on here he sounds awesome Ryan Ross (7:14:21 PM): yeah he's on pitch, we recorded that stuff with like a 100 dollar vocal mic. the only effects we used was pretty much reverb on the main parts. Pete Wentz (7:14:42 PM): Yeah sounds good kind of like patrick Pete Wentz (7:14:47 PM): I like it Ryan Ross (7:16:57 PM): yeah thats the only thing we get that alot. and thats just how the kid sings. we like your band but we dont want to sound like you guys, or be compared to fob all the time you know? but yeah he is aware that kids say he sounds like patrick so he's just trying different vocal stuff sometimes. Pete Wentz (7:19:06 PM): Here's the thing if I show you guys interest a lot of crappy labels are gonna come and do the same and I don't want a huge mess out there. I mean how interested are you guys in going fulltime when you can Pete Wentz (7:19:19 PM): Yeah you'll get eh patrock thing but how many people. Sound like hime Ryan Ross (7:19:47 PM): so you really think we've got potential then? Pete Wentz (7:19:54 PM): I do Ryan Ross (7:20:05 PM): i've wanted to play in a band for my job ever since i started high school at least. Ryan Ross (7:20:07 PM): we all want to do this Ryan Ross (7:21:05 PM): its like i cant put enough dedication into anything exept playing guitar and writing Pete Wentz (7:23:01 PM): I'm with you Ryan Ross (7:24:05 PM): but yeah. i cant see myself doing anything else but playing in a band, cause every job i've ever had ive hated it Pete Wentz (7:24:57 PM): You don't have a picture of the band Ryan Ross (7:25:44 PM): no, but if you need it i could have my buddy take some tomorrow at practice Pete Wentz (7:26:58 PM): That would be rad Ryan Ross (7:27:37 PM): okay we'll take some Ryan Ross (7:28:08 PM): are you online much? Pete Wentz (7:33:12 PM): Sometimes Ryan Ross (7:33:35 PM): okay, i was just wondering if this was your email incase you arent on i'll just send them Pete Wentz (7:34:17 PM): Yeah send it here for sure Ryan Ross (7:34:36 PM): okay Ryan Ross (7:34:55 PM): dude this better not be a joke, it better be you Pete Wentz (7:35:12 PM): It is Pete Wentz (7:35:34 PM): But there are a lot of fakers out there Ryan Ross (7:35:55 PM): okay. yeah i know someone has shown me like fake journals of you and stuff. thats creepy Ryan Ross (7:36:10 PM): thats why i asked if it was you for sure Pete Wentz (7:36:32 PM): This guy who is iming me is your manager Ryan Ross (7:37:03 PM): is it xxxtoughffxxx ? Pete Wentz (7:37:22 PM): Yeah Ryan Ross (7:37:38 PM): i dont know if he's our manager. he's our friend, he's been helping us out with a website, merch and the show in victorville Ryan Ross (7:38:35 PM): he's starting a company up and he wants to help us out Pete Wentz (7:43:04 PM): Ah I got t Pete Wentz (7:43:32 PM): It Pete Wentz (7:43:37 PM): You guys are awesome and if its what I think it is I want ti to be thenext academy Ryan Ross (7:44:58 PM): wow thanks alot. i hope you like the stuff live, its not completely different but it is different. i mean the singing is the same and all that. Pete Wentz (7:47:46 PM): cool Pete Wentz (7:48:06 PM): You guys look good. The chicks gonna be swooning? Ryan Ross (7:48:38 PM): once we get

a keyboard player who can do all of the sampling we want to do it will be alot better too. its like we know how we want to sound, but just finding the right way to do it i guess is what we are working on. Ryan Ross (7:48:40 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:48:51 PM): i dont know man, we look alright i guess Ryan Ross (7:48:57 PM): we look young Pete Wentz (7:49:42 PM): Youngs not abd at all Pete Wentz (7:49:47 PM): How does the singiner look Ryan Ross (7:50:05 PM): dead sexy. Ryan Ross (7:50:41 PM): he's no pete wentz. but still Pete Wentz (7:51:42 PM): Hahaha Pete Wentz (7:51:54 PM): Goddamn as long as he looks cool.singing Pete Wentz (7:52:14 PM): For sure send me pics and all how many songs you guys have? Ryan Ross (7:52:39 PM): haha Ryan Ross (7:53:00 PM): kk Ryan Ross (7:53:54 PM): we've only got 4 right now, its been tough to write since school started and everyone's busier. and those are the first 4 songs we've written as a band. at the show we'll play those and a cover of new order maybe. or depeche mode. we dont know yet Pete Wentz (7:56:08 PM): Nice Pete Wentz (7:56:21 PM): I gotta run Pete Wentz (7:56:32 PM): But ill hit you on here later Pete Wentz (7:56:38 PM): Send me those pics and write the hits Ryan Ross (7:56:43 PM): okay dude. good talking to you Pete Wentz (7:56:43 PM): Peaaaaaace Ryan Ross (7:56:44 PM): hahaha Ryan Ross (7:56:47 PM): later man Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 7:56:51 PM. Auto response from Pete Wentz: Igot99problems Pete Wentz is back at the computer as of 10:05:48 PM. Pete Wentz is away from the computer as of 10:06:23 PM.

[loxxxlay]

As a longer explanation, it wasn’t really any one thing that made me just ghost tumblr and all of the people I love here on it. :( I feel so apologetic and sorry for just leaving without any explanation and coming back with literally no excuses. 

I think it was a collection of a lot of things.... I think I got too entrenched in the website, and it became unhealthy again (as it did during my previous hiatus). My instincts were just like “you need to take a step back,” and I haven’t really mastered the line between stepping back and ghosting. 

Regardless, here are the many many excuses: a lot of bad things happened that wore me out. Even a lot of good things happened that wore me out. I was in situations that weren’t really great for my mental health (i.e. having a boss who voted for Trump and liked to talk about it at the work place in an at-will employment state).

Highlights of the last year I’ve been gone.

- As you might remember from right before I left, I lost 95% of my in-person social sphere because I believed a child when she said my adult friend had raped her. My remaining friends are wonderful, but they don’t understand the severity of what happened and how I feel about it, and they never will unless they too are survivors. Thus, I don’t feel very close with the remaining 5%.

- My grandma died. My dog died.

- I got Covid :’) It wasn’t that bad, it was like a cold for a few weeks, because I was super lucky. (In fact, both that nasty flu strain a couple years ago and the vaccine itself were so much worse.) But it definitely robbed some of my energy and gave me burnout.

- Because of Covid in general and likely because of burnout from University and from my fulltime job (my first fulltime job ever), I have been unable to write or read since January of 2020. And because of that, I’ve felt so guilty being here, reminded all of the time of everything I haven’t read that I want to and everything I haven’t written that I want to. It was hard to be here, and it was even harder to try to come back.

- Apparently Infinity War and Endgame fucked me up more than I realized. Even just a few days ago, I strongly considered whether or not I wanted to watch the Loki show because even seeing the characters in motion again made me sob (and not in the fun way) for a few hours. The Loki show is good to be clear (with only minor annoyances, as can only be expected!!), but it just reminded me of all the pain I felt.

- I moved out and live in my own space! Which is very freeing, but also very lonely. It was surprising how the lack of background noise can get to me so wildly. It’s hard to use tumblr and to write when I’m constantly, desperately seeking something distracting to go on in the background.

- Working full time is really hard lol. I think I’m getting the hang of it though. I find it to be outrageous that we are expected to do this until we are 70 years old though, and i’m not really sure what to do about that T_T it’s a work in progress. All I can really do is watch movies and play video games after work. The life is being sucked out of me, rip.

- I did get a new job for a lawyer that does not vote for Trump, and I am very excited to start. I already have worked with him in the past, and I know I enjoy it, so July 1st might lessen the burden of full-time employment.

- I found a very intense and liberating love for the environment, and have been engaging really hardcore in climate activism. There is no bad aspect to this. I love it. But one interest means less room for other interests, which is unfortunate, but just what it is.

In other words, nothing really happened except life, and it was just coincidentally very bad for me being able to use Tumblr, and I’m really sorry for leaving all of you in the dark. <3 Where do I go from here? I genuinely don’t know. I’m figuring it out as I go along. 

[lightandwinged]

Haven’t posted the bobbins in a hot minute!

The twins turn three tomorrow! I legitimately cannot believe that I’ve been doing the fulltime mom thing to twins for three whole ass years. And I have to brag a little bit about their birthday stuff because last year, Covid suddenly happening two days before their birthday derailed everything--we’d been planning to go to the aquarium in Boston and take them to a special ice cream place and just have a great time, but then plague. 

And they had a good time, but I felt bad. 

So maybe this year I went overboard JUST a bit, both (a) because we could afford it (Kyle’s new job is pretty sweet like that), and (b) because I wanted this year to make up for last year being meh. I know they’re too young to really remember but on the off chance that they do, I don’t want them to remember two miserable Covid birthdays. One is enough.

I made cupcakes, because they are tiny, and cupcakes are easier to individually theme than bigger cakes. Carrie loves unicorns, Isaac loves Mickey and Minnie, it was a fun thing to do. 

But kiddos overall. 

Sam is inching closer to SEVEN YEARS OLD WHAT, is on his third lost tooth (my favorite tooth when kids lose it because it’s the one that really makes him look like a little jack o lantern), and speaks mostly in Pokemon these days. I understand none of it, but he is OBSESSED and keeps coming up with creative ways to bring them into his day-to-day life (he’s beaten Sword about three times and is currently working his way through whatever the previous title was on the DS; his favorite vacillates day to day, but he tends to go for fire types). I’m still homeschooling him until the end of the year because everyone keeps changing their mind about when people are going back and doing what. And he’s kicking ass. Currently whizzing through very basic geometry (e.g., finding simple perimeter and area) as part of his third grade math curriculum and working on recognizing patterns in science. 

We also suspect that he’s either autistic or has ADHD (per his in-home therapists as well), but wait times for official testing are L O N G. We’re having him evaluated through the school, though, so that if he doesn’t get a diagnosis before he heads back in the fall (because I love him, but I do not love teaching him), he’ll at least have an IEP already in place and be able to get any assistance he needs. And that will most likely take the form of someone breaking tasks into smaller steps, maybe giving him fidget opportunities while he’s learning (he absorbs a LOT when he’s playing with Legos), maybe taking tests separately so that he can have someone read the questions aloud to him so that he absorbs them (because he can read, but unless he also HEARS things, he absorbs nothing). 

He’s a terrifyingly smart kid still, and I have no doubt that he’ll be on par with his fellow second graders next year academically. I just want him to not feel overwhelmed while working. 

*

Isaac is slowly slowly slowly gaining spoken language. I’ve said before and stand by that I don’t care if he never speaks completely fluently, but I do want him to be able to communicate his wants and needs so that he doesn’t get frustrated so much. And he does get frustrated, but his meltdowns remain rare--they usually only happen if something he loved doing ends or if someone takes his toy or won’t give him their toy or just other typical toddler stuff (which inclines me to classify them more as tantrums than meltdowns, but eh). BUT he also communicates, not just by taking someone’s hand and putting it on something he wants, but by using words. He LOVES to talk about the cats (which are his favorite thing--cats of all types, including those in the musical) (but NOT THE MOVIE DEAR JESUS), and the other day, he very meticulously directed me to draw a picture of the three cats happily sleeping on his bed, based on his memory of seeing them happily sleeping on his bed at naptime. 

He’s definitely got his drilled down special interests--cats, cars, Mickey Mouse, Daniel Tiger, and Celtic Woman (we call them his “ladies”). And he is just such an absolute sweetie. He still has the smile that basically convinces you that you would both kill and die for him (shown above), and the way he relaxes against me when he’s tired just makes me sigh and love him to absolute pieces. He’s 110% a momma’s boy, and although I hope he grows out of it when the time is right, it’s really sweet right now. 

He easily qualified for special ed preschool, which I’ll talk about more in a second. 

*

And then Miss Carrie, who basically read the rhyme about little girls being made of sugar and spice and all things nice and took it as gospel but ALSO realized that you can do all of those things while being a monster, beating up everyone who treats you wrong, and covering yourself in tattoos. I say of her that she’s too much, but in the best possible way: I want her to keep being too much forever, because it is absolutely delightful. She’s always giggling or twirling, singing or commanding her brothers in a game of pretend. She never just walks anywhere, she always prances or skips or dances or hops or jumps. She can be a screechy little spitfire one second and then brush away her angry tears and transform into a little cherub the next, and it’s hilarious. Everything ever must be pink and glittery (I promise, I did not try and force pink on her, she jumped to it on her own), must flounce out correctly when she twirls, must make her feel like a fairy tale princess. 

She merrily adopts all the stereotypical “girly” things in life--Barbies, princesses, My Little Pony (yep, we’re back in that phase), unicorns, mermaids, “cute” things, etc. At the same time, she’s always game for a lightsaber fight, playing “bug” with Sammy (I don’t know what “bug” is as a game, but the kids have established rules for it and play it whenever they’re not too tired after dinner), and wrestling with her dad and brothers. It’s wonderful. 

And SHE qualified for special ed preschool because her muscle tone is hilariously low (read: she flops). 

*

The twins are starting preschool Monday because they are turning three and thus losing early intervention services. I worry somewhat about them being in school with Covid still raging (even though I’m 50% of the way to fully vaccinated--going back for Pfizer #2 on Saturday!), but it’s a huge relief that their therapies (speech, occupational, physical) are being coordinated by the school and not by me. I’m the most organized person in this house, and anyone who’s ever seen my house knows what a statement that is (it’s gotten worse since my sciatica has settled in, because bending over is just not a thing I can do without suffering), so having that burden lifted from my shoulders? Heavenly. 

And I’m just overall proud as fuck of all three kids. They’re so resilient, and I know that the pandemic has been hard on them in a lot of ways, but they’re still kicking ass, still smiling and laughing and having fun, and that’s been a bright spot for the entire last year.

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Zookeeper’s Son

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: 

An iconic personality in the animal conservation scene has a popular zoo that people flock to from all over the world. But this isn't about him, it's about his son. And his son's massive crush. (Cheesy ShinDeku Crush) 

steve irwin inspired au, aka if you didnt know hamlet was australian, you do now

Ok but All Might is basically Steve Irwin in this au, Izuku is a huuuuuge animal fan

Allmight is Izuku’s dad and Inko is his wife and izu hung around animals loads when he was young, 1A are the zoo volunteers

is he like, steve irwin with crocodiles? or something like big cats or wolves. Honestly let's just stick with crocodiles

aizawa is the sleepy big cat handler

mic yells with the birds, mostly his job is actually the PA system but he teaches the birds to talk during his lunch hour, And he runs birds of prey shows

Shinsou comes to the zoo a lot cause he likes watching the tigers and their babies. shinsou giving a bottle of milk to a baby tiger because aizawa needed an extra pair of hands and our boy is crying actual tears because its So Cute

Todoroki was never allowed pets or to go outside much because he has to be a respectable rich boi tm, but he's always loved watching all mights ridiculous nature shows

w a  it

this means

,,,

allmight dies. Damn ok I guess this is getting sad now.

Todoroki goes to the zoo for the first time ever and sees a mural to Allmight and just starts crying

so aizawa has been working at the zoo since izuku was born and was honestly his babysitter a lot with mic and tensei because tensei, the onsite vet, had a little brother the same age. and when the news came in? aizawa's heart sank because this little 6-year-old ball of sunshine didn't have a dad anymore

inko is the badass but soft mum but shes not at home, shes actually on a shoot at the time

izuku is running around the zoo and aizawa just scoops him up and gets him icecream because the kid doesn't know yet and he wants izuku to have 5 more minutes before his world collapses. aizawa lets out a single sob because izuku picked the allmight themed icecream thanks

Aizawa helps Inko around the house as much as possible and drives Izu to school when Inko is having a rough day

All mights animals being depressed cause he's gone and blessed 6-year-old Izu sneaking into a fucking lion enclosure because 'dad would want to cheer them up'

there was a lion cub litter born really close to izuku and allmight dotted on these cubs because he was all soft because his wife was pregnant, there are photos of toddler izuku with these lions. izuku burying his face into one of their manes and crying while the lions lay around him

Aizawa has been interning at the zoo since he was 15 and is 22 when allmight dies. its his first year really "working" there because he just finished uni and hes on fulltime

aizawa thought allmight was going to be kinda snobby but allmight said hi to him every day, remembered his name and attended his uni graduation, told him he was proud and told him he'd never seen anyone as good with the cats as he was

aizawa babysat his kid, saw this man almost every day since he was 15

Ok but what if Inko wakes up in the middle of the night hearing All mights voice. She's freaking out, but then finds Izu rewatching old footage of his dad. Crying but also using them to learn how to be as good with the animals as him

animals a d o r e izuku, all of them

like, even the crows at the park will sit on his shoulders and give him little shiny things the wolves like to lick him and crowd him when he walks in, the crocodiles like head scratches

allmight was so proud of his son, because even he couldnt get animals to like him instinctually

1A are all the little highschool interns

Shinsou crushes on the cute zookeeper boy and Izu gets him an internship eventually, he just sees izuku hugging a lion and falls in love instantly

aizawa is his uncle and is complaining about this "kid that doesnt listen to safety protocol" and shinso is like ",, h im"

Aizawa thought that shinsou hated outdoors and animals, but is confused when suddenly Shinsou starts going to the zoo after school everyday

the way this family works

aizawa was a foster kid bc his family wasnt trusted with him but he still had contact, shinso's family was falling apart and aizawa didnt want his cousin to go through the same thing so he takes shinsou in age 10

they say uncle bc aizawa is so much older than shinsou

izuku like, doesn't tell shinso hes allmights kid and izuku wears a facemask and dyes his hair all the time so its fair that shinso doesnt guess

so izuku is on messenger and tells shinso to open his window izuku is sitting on his balcony. hes got a torch in his mouth and a swipecard in the other. he just kinda, grabs shinso and hauls him over the balcony. shinso is in pyjamas and all he has is a phone

izuku grabs his hand and they run down the street and shinso is just??? so lost. aizawa lives su p er close to the zoo and they get to the gate and shinso is like?? why are we here its midnight

and izuku o p e n s th e g a t e

shinso is crying bc he has every reason to think he'll go to jail

(izuku turned off the alarms and warned his mum he was doing this but didnt warn shinso because thats not fun)

so izuku takes shinso to the farmyard, wakes up the horse, which is his horse, a pulls shinso up on it too the horse has little lights on it

so its midnight and shinso is hugging izuku on this horse because its cold and hes in pyjama's and hes cold and its dark and he doesnt wanna fall off this massive horse

so izuku takes him around the zoo at night on this horse and its honestly great? bc loads of the animals are awake and the zoo is empty. izuku whispers that hes not really supposed to do this but hes going to do it anyway and shinso is like??? please dont im too young for jail

but izuku just giggles

izuku lets them into the back deer enclosure and its m a s s i v e

so its 2am by now, all the deer are awake so izuku ties up the horse and leads shinso over to his fave deer

"ok so, dad used to do this to me when i was litte, but i figure youre still light enough”

and izuku just hefts shinso onto this deer. shinso is laughing and clinging to this deer for his life and so izuku gets on another and they run around the paddock

shinso is yelling and cheering as izuku laughs, the other deer are running beside them because deer do that and its honestly the coolest thing that shinso has ever done

4am and the deer have all fallen back asleep and shinso and izuku are on the roof of the vet clinic because the vet-clinic is still heated at night so the roof is warm and they kinda,, fall asleep on the roof. izuku wakes up at 6, but doesnt wake shinso up for 20 minutes because hes smiling even in his sleep

they have to sprint back to shinso's house

izuku helps shinso climb back up his balcony and waves goodbye and shinso just watches him run back to the zoo and hes blushing and messy and cold but hes just so happy

aizawa walks into his room a minute later and asks shinso if he slept outside for some ungodly reason because his lips are blue and there are leaves in his hair

izuku doesnt like people knowing hes allmights kid when hes just out and about or working or honestly doing anything that isnt a show or interview so the only people that know are tenya, bakugo, tensei, mic and aizawa

Every year at the anniversary of all mights death they all bring Izu and Inko to his shrine and thousands of people come from all around to pay their respects and Shinsou finds a crying Izu after and takes him back to the zoo after hours so Izu can be with the animals

shinso still doesnt know izuku is allmights kid and izuku just sobbing and shinso doesnt know what happened

izuku just talks about his dad vaguely, shinso knows aizawa used to babysit izuku too

aizawa makes a tradition of getting icecream for izuku on the date every year, they both get the allmight themed one

bakugo isnt a massive dick in this au but hes still not a soft friend. he will roast you every 24 seconds but the 2 weeks around allmights death? he looks out for izuku, makes extra sure no one works out izuku from school is "allmights son" izuku, makes sure he eats lunch, helps inko make dinner

bakugo threatens to rip off shinso's dick and shove it down his throat and shinsou is like???? WHat dID i DO???

Izu is being bullied for crying in school around the date, Bakugo fIGHTS

bakugo gets suspended for a day and aizawa picks him up bc his parents are busy. bakugo looks angry but also kinda, embarrassed for being caught and for getting that mad. aizawa just parks on the side of the road just out of school and lets out a massive sigh

"you shouldn't have done that-"

"You dont think i fucking know that??"

"shut up and listen kid. you shouldn't have done that. and im not giving you a pat on the head for breaking the rules like that. but you did a good thing. hes got enough on his plate. youre a good friend"

aizawa lets bakugo stay at his place so mitsuki doesn't have to find out bakugo got suspended, izuku takes bakugo to pat the wolves as a "thank you for throwing down for me" present

[looselucy]

The Only Living Boy in New York

June 14th – Harry’s POV I awoke from a restless sleep, my eyes uneasily meeting another murky morning in New York, my entire body burdened with a brazen ache. It was clear that misery loved company from the way that it clung at my side, dug its claws into my skin. I was exhausted.

In recent months, I’d gotten into the habit of instinctively turning to gage of the other side of the bed, and even though I’d been in New York for almost three weeks, and I hadn’t shared a bed with her for over a month, I still hadn’t managed to break the habit of turning to see Alfie every single morning. Coming to my senses and finding my bed empty didn’t seem to be getting any easier. Already exasperated, I turned again and reached for my phone which lay on top of my bedside cabinet to check the time, disappointed to have once again stirred at such an early hour. “For fuck sake.” I huffed, craving more sleep. I had to literally drag myself out of bed and into my bathroom, my eyes barely open as I leaned and turned on the taps to fill up the bath, leaving the water running and heading to the living area of my apartment, coffee feeling essential. I wasn’t sure why I’d ever thought that being in New York would make anything better, because it never had. All I’d known for sure was that I wanted to get out of Rosebury, start afresh, try to put that phase of my life behind me, and New York felt like the only real option I had, somewhere with enough distance but somewhere I was familiar with. I’d really thought that I would feel better once I was there, once I was settled. I didn’t. As I filled up the kettle with water, a loud buzzing noise interrupted me, someone ringing my buzzer from the street downstairs. I frowned at the idea of company, not just because I didn’t desire it but because of its unfamiliarity. I headed towards the door, pressed the button to speak between systems. “Hello?” I groaned. “It’s Liam, buzz me in.” I did as I was told, not saying another word before I pressed the button to open the door and allow him into the building where I lived. Liam was my agent. He’d been my agent for years. Liam spoke directly with galleries and clients and buyers and he was the reason my art had done as well as it had. He was alarmingly good at his job, meaning the work of a young boy just out of university had been seen as something truly special. I so easily could have been dismissed at such a young age with such little experience, but Liam had managed to make my name for me, make sure I could live a life that was far more than comfortable. When I so easily could have been shunned, Liam made it so that I was respected. I had a lot to thank him for. It took him some time to reach me due to the fact that I lived on the top floor of my building, overlooking Central Park, a few doors down from the studio I had for my art; somewhere to feel creative and somewhere I’d open up and use as a public gallery, occasionally. I’d told Liam I was back in New York around a week earlier, but he lived in the UK most of the time. I’d known it wouldn’t have been too long before he showed up, got me back into painting and selling. It was inevitable. I made us both a coffee and turned off the running water for my bath, and by the time he got there and knocked on my door, I actually felt quite good about seeing him again. It was nice to see someone I knew, a face that felt friendly and welcomed. It had been too long. “Morning!” He greeted cheerily when I opened the door. “You’re up early.” “I had an early flight. Slept all the way here. How’s things?” “Uh… Fine, yeah. Everything’s fine.” He looked as composed and well-dressed as he always did when I saw him. I’d never seen him wearing anything other than a suit; always different, always perfectly fitted and pristine. It didn’t make sense to me that he’d just gotten off an eight-hour flight, but Liam had this certain quality about him, this poise, something that assisted with his selling techniques. He was always professional. “Sure?” “Yeah. Yeah, fine. I uh- I made you a coffee. How are you?” “I’m good, cheers. Glad to see you. Glad to have you back in New York.” “Mm.” I tried my best to sound even slightly enthusiastic, but it didn’t play. I wasn’t happy there. And I was beginning to worry that I wouldn’t ever feel happy anywhere. “To be honest, I wasn’t expecting you to move back here.” “No?” I grumbled after taking a hefty sip. “No, I mean… The last time I spoke to you properly, you seemed really settled. Happy. You were in the countryside somewhere, right?” “Yeah. Up North, a place called Rosebury.” “What changed? I mean that was… a couple of months ago?” I didn’t know what to say. I liked Liam, and he’d been in my life for a long time, but we weren’t close. We were barely friends, really. He didn’t feel like someone I could share with, not that sharing ever came easily for me. I couldn’t begin to explain how my feelings had altered since I’d spoken to him on the phone that day, mere hours before my brother broke into my home. “It was… It was just time to move on.” I sighed, not willing to discuss it. “Since you’re here… we should talk work. M’gunna start painting again, sell some new stuff.” “And the Blood Sun?” He asked. I went quiet for a while, staring at him as I thought about that painting, thought about what I wanted, how it made me feel. “I… I wanna focus on new stuff right now. I can’t even think about the Blood Sun at the minute, because… The thing is, I don’t wanna paint with blood anymore.” The look on his face after I’d said that was proof that our relationship, however friendly, was strictly business. He seemed shocked, maybe even disappointed by me saying I no longer wanted to paint with blood. It was my niche, it was what had gotten people so interested in my work, a large reasoning behind why my stuff sold for as much as it did. Liam was thinking business, and me not using blood had the potential to drive down prices, which meant he earnt less. As understandable as it was, I couldn’t help but wish for more. I thought about Alfie, how she had only cared about me, my health, what using blood was doing to me and how vital it was that I stopped, found a different way of expressing my feelings through my art. She didn’t look at it as an expression, she saw it as me hurting myself and nothing more. I’d finally started to see it the same way. “Right. Okay… Shit.” He sat himself down on the stool beside him. “Are you sure? It’s a major selling point.” “One that involves… self-harm, to put it bluntly. I don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.” “Okay, yeah. Well… I mean, since you’ve had a break, maybe we present it as like… a new era.” He spoke his thoughts as they came to his head. “Maybe… think of something new. A new style. A new addition. Something almost to… replace the blood, y’know?” “Right. Okay, yeah.” “Different styles, different techniques. A new method. Let’s keep people interested, that’s the main thing.” “Agreed. M’glad you… get it. M’glad you understand.” “As long as you can think up something new. You got any ideas?” “Uh… Not really. I dunno, I guess I’ve… not been in that much of a creative headspace recently.” When I’d moved to Rosebury, I’d made a purposeful and conscious decision not to paint, pulling myself out of that mindset in order to save my sanity, hoping to heal. Despite a minor setback when I’d gone to New York at the end of February, the only other time I’d allowed myself to paint was when I was with Alfie, which was carefree, fun, something I didn’t really need to think about. She helped to make something that once made me miserable into something that felt good, for the first time in years. It was hard to feel creative without immediately linking that with pain. It was hard to think about Alfie without immediately linking her with pain. “Well, that’s one of the reasons I’m here, actually.” He got back to his feet, walking around the kitchen counter and approaching me, routing through his pocket. “Y’know James Caine?” “Uh… I dunno, I don’t think so.” “He’s an artist, he lives locally. Recently moved here from Manchester. He’s good. He’s talented. I work with him and he wants to meet you.” He handed me over a rather tattered piece of paper with an address scribbled onto it, my brows low as I took it from his hand before looking back up to him. “Why?” “Because you’re Harry fucking Styles.” He leered. “He likes your stuff. He wants to talk art, work, what it’s like here, how to build his name up. He’s having a party tonight, and he asked me if I could get you to go.” “M'not really… in a party mood.” “I wouldn’t expect anything too wild. Bunch’a creative types, artists, sellers, y’know.” “Mm.” If anything, that put me off even more. When I’d last been in New York fulltime, my whole life seemed to centre around events like that and I’d always hated them. There was such a lack of honesty in those rooms and within those people, too many pretences and false personalities that people created as though they thought it would suit their career, forcing who they thought they should be. People were pretentious and arrogant and self-obsessed, and it was always something I’d hated about my job and the little quirks that accompanied it. “You should go. I think it’d be good for you. Get talking about art with some interesting people, you’ll think up something for your new work in no time, I promise.” “Fine.” I sighed despondently, placing the paper down on the counter. “I probably won’t stay, but I’ll go for a while. See if it helps.” “Good choice. Right, I’ll see you there then! I’ve gotta go, I’m meeting some people. Gotta cram in as much work as possible whilst I’m here.” “How long are you here for?” I asked as I approached my sofa, resting against the back of it and folding my arms. “Couple of weeks, then back to London.” “Well… I’ll try and think something up before you go.” “Nice one.” He nodded. “Alright, I’ll see you tonight.” He was seconds away from leaving, opening the door before I managed to spit out my question, nervous and ridden with fear. “Do you know any therapists?” I rushed, speaking so quickly that what I’d said was unclear to him. “What?” He turned around to face me. “Do you… Do you know of any therapists?” I paced myself, my throat feeling swollen, almost choking over the words. “You wanna see a therapist?” He asked. “Yeah. I think… Yeah. I-I thought I remembered you saying you once saw someone, but-” “I did, but not here. It was back in the UK, a long time ago. I saw a woman called Dr Jackson for… almost two years.” “Did it help?” Whenever the mere thought of therapy had introduced itself to my mind before, I’d completely shunned it. I’d been dubious about how talking was supposed to help in some way, it hadn’t made sense to me. Talking had never felt like any sort of solution, but somehow, over time, Alfie had changed that. She encouraged me, supported me, helped me to articulate times of my life that I hadn’t been able to communicate efficiently, things I had never really spoken about. She made me realise that talking really did have the power to help, the power to change things in a positive way. I didn’t want my past to keep holding me back in the way it was. She’d helped me more than I could even begin to understand, but it hadn’t been enough. I could tell by my recent actions and feelings that it wasn’t enough. I knew something wasn’t right, and I so badly wanted to fix it in any way I could. “She really helped me, yeah. She was amazing.” Liam said. I wanted that. Needed it. As wonderful as she’d been, Alfie was not a therapist. There was only so much she could do. There was only so much I had allowed her to do. My emotions had been undistinguishable for quite some time, not at all limited to but largely surrounding how I was feeling about Alfie. I missed her so much. I was sure I’d done the right thing, but it didn’t make it any easier. I was just so sure that in the long run, I wouldn’t be any good for her. I didn’t want her to love me, because I was completely convinced that I was a bad omen, that I’d ruin it and hurt her and it would break the two of us more than it already had. I was not in the right position to give her everything she deserved. I wasn’t the right person to do that, no matter how much I wanted to be. Trying to explain that to her didn’t really feel like an option, because she’d have fought it. She would have fought for me and us and it would have hurt so much more than it already did. Being without her was killing me but it had to be that way. Jack was right. It was better to get out, save myself from as much pain as I possibly could. So once again, I’d chosen against talking, because I couldn’t. It was like my body was physically fighting any attempt I could make to tell her exactly how I was feeling. Instead of talking, explaining myself, I’d been blunt and hurtful and I’d lied, because I thought it would be easier for her. In a way, I wanted to give her a reason to hate me, to be angry and frustrated, anything to stop her from loving me. Anything to make it easier for her. We weren’t right for each other. Or at least, I wasn’t right for her. She had brought so much light into my life that I’d began to fear the dark, dread how things would be without her, and I was right to. I couldn’t stand the thought of her just waking up one day and realising she’d be better off without me. I felt too vulnerable. No one I’d ever cared for that much had stayed in my life. How could I expect her to be any different? I put the power back into my own hands thinking that would help, but the longer we were apart, it seemed my theory wasn’t panning out. I had no idea what might help me to heal, but seeing a therapist felt like a good place to start. “I’m sure there’ll be a lot of good therapists here.” Liam continued, covering my contemplative silence. “Just look around. Don’t think that… the highest price means the best therapy, because it doesn’t. You can sit across from some people and realise instantly that they see you as a job. Find someone who cares. Find someone who honestly wants to help, not someone who sees you as work. Yeah?” “Thanks.” “Don’t mention it. See you tonight.” “Yeah.” With a smile, he finally left my apartment, leaving me on my own with my thoughts once again. I practically downed the rest of my coffee before heading back through my bedroom and into the bathroom, filling up the bath the rest of the way before undressing, testing the waters, messing with my phone to play music through the speakers I had installed around the flat, and then finally climbing in. I became accustom to the heat quickly, steam rising around me as I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in before submerging myself completely, imagining myself in the lake just outside of Rosebury. The sound of The Only Living Boy in New York playing became distant, unclear, somewhere between soothing and utterly unbearable. I listened to it on repeat for the next hour.

“You’re Harry Styles, right?” A little dazed, I looked up, gaging the boy ahead of me. I knew it would only be so long before my solitude was spoilt, but I suppose it was to be expected at such an event. The party had been even more agonising than I’d predicted. James, the boy who was hosting, was new to the area and relatively new to the scene that came with his career, and not only was he milking it, but he was putting on a show, building a character before my eyes. I’d met him briefly when I first arrived, but hoped to speak to him a little more before the nights end, advise him to stay true to himself, not to get lost in all the bullshit and be who what he thought others believed he should be. If he really wanted to talk to me about work, that would be the only honest advice I could give. I’d been there a few hours, only really sticking around to be polite and possibly hoping for a bit of inspiration, but that would have been difficult given I hadn’t even bothered to talk to anyone. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that someone had approached me. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s me.” I sat upwards on the sofa, changing my poise to speak to him properly. “Shit, I’m a huge fan. So good to meet you.” He offered his hand, and I took it. “My name’s Zayn.” “Nice to meet you.” I managed to smile, sort of comforted by his familiar accent, his demeaner. “You an artist?” “Graphic design.” He told me, sitting down beside me on the sofa. “I work on a lot of book covers, posters, advertisement, that sorta thing.” “Nice. You live here?” “I do. And what about you? I’d heard you lived here, but then according to the grapevine, you haven’t been around for a while.” “No, I uh… I moved back to the UK for a while.” “So that’s why your gallery hasn’t been open? I’ve been dying to see your stuff in person.” “M'gunna open again soon. M’just trying to… gather my bearings a bit. Get used to all… this again.” I huffed, gesturing vaguely to the room. He chuckled in a way that suggested he knew exactly what I meant and agreed entirely. “You don’t sound overly impressed.” “Am I that obvious?” I turned my head to him, smiled. “I get it. I feel the same way. I’ve known James for years, and the first thing he spoke about with me tonight was how much his latest piece went for. His new apartment. How fake he thinks everyone else is.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s mad how quickly people change.” I sat forward, still with my eyes on him, a huge smile on my face. I liked him instantly. “What was your name again?” “Zayn.” He answered. “Genuinely, it’s good to meet you. It’s good to talk with someone who… I dunno. I feel like we’re on the same page. I don’t get that often. Not here, anyway.” Just as we were about to really get talking, a rather large group of people approached us, some of them heading towards him, others coming up to me, tearing us away from our talk. There was a mix of people, some that I’d met a few times before, others completely new faces. Zayn got to his feet to greet them properly, whereas I basically retracted back into the chair, overwhelmed by their company, anxious and claustrophobic. They all sort of spoke around me, through me, at me. There wasn’t even really a conversation to join in with, it was all just noise. One of the many things I’d loved about being in Rosebury was the sense of community and family there. When people asked of your wellbeing, they actually cared to know the answer. They were kind, considerate, down to earth, genuine. I understood why my mother had always been so fond of it there, so drawn to that place. I cleared my throat, looking up to the people around me and spotting a girl who was staring right at me, my mind taking the few seconds to place her. And then she smirked, and I knew. She pushed through the crowd, drawing herself closer to me even though I’d dropped eye contact as quickly as I could, desperate not to talk to her. “Hi, Harry.” She leered as she got to me. “Y’alright?” I grumbled. “It’s been a long time. Too long.” She was someone I used to sleep with before I moved to Rosebury in August the year before, our companionship so casual and empty that I hadn’t even bothered to tell her I was moving away. I hadn’t seen her since, and I was glad of it because I knew exactly what she’d be like. She took her place beside me, immediately putting her fingers in my hair, her touch unwelcomed and cold. I really didn’t want to see her. She was so abrasively forward, unashamedly attempting to rekindle a flame that had barely existed between us in the first place. I knew I’d see her eventually, but I’d been absolutely dreading it. I didn’t look directly at her, my jaw tight as I cringed over her touch. “Please tell me it’s true you’ve moved back here.” She leaned close to me, whispering in my ear. “Unfortunately, that’s true.” I seethed, tilting my head the other way, but it didn’t stop her. “I don’t think it’s unfortunate. I think we should pick up where we left off.” My stomach was literally churning with every word, every sultry touch she inflicted upon my body. All I could think of was Alfie. All I could think about was how different it might feel if she was the one running her fingers through my hair, whispering in my ear, how it would feel to have her body that close to mine. I craved to once again experience the feelings I used to get when I was with her, how it felt to hold her, be held by her. But I knew that even if I was with her then, it wouldn’t be the same, not after everything. The day before I’d left, when she came to my place, touching her and being around her just seemed to fucking hurt more than anything else, like I was grasping hold of a memory, or a concept of something and someone I wanted so badly but didn’t deserve. Every overwhelming sensation that used to burst through my body when we touched was gone. Those butterflies she used to create, those beautiful butterflies had stopped fluttering, as though someone reached right into my gut and ripped them out one by one. I would have still taken the agony of Alfie’s touch any day over the way I felt then. “I don’t think so.” I answered bleakly. “C’mon, Harry, I’ve missed you.” She pouted. “We were good together.” “We weren’t together.” “You know what I mean.” She shrugged. “Do you need me to elaborate? Remind you of some specifics…” She trailed her hand to my chest, reaching through the gap at the top of shirt to feel at my skin. I closed my eyes, my nostrils flaring as I tried to keep myself together. “No. I don’t-” “I know you hate nights alone. Let me keep you company.” I turned my head to look at her, be sure that she could see the unyielding look in my eyes, that she would have no doubt at all that I was being entirely truthful about my intentions, how adamant I was that I’d rather be on my own than ever have her in my bed again. But she didn’t even give the chance to speak before she rapidly leaned into me, put her lips on mine. My eyes gripped shut as though I was fighting physical pain, but for a second, I kissed her back. It was a mere moment, a blip of time and thoughtlessness, but I kissed her back. Maybe to test the waters. Maybe because of my hopeless need to feel something, anything. But it was only for a second. Then I pulled away, taming myself as much as possible before I spoke, making sure that I didn’t yell even though that was exactly what I wanted to do. “Don’t ever fucking touch me again.” I wheezed. Whatever that kiss had made me feel, it wasn’t something to be desired. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t in right frame of mind to be with anyone, even if it was without feeling or meaning. My kiss still belonged to someone else.

June 15th It was 4 AM when my phone rang. That was the first thing I did; check the time. With my eyes barely open and my head blaring, I looked to see the hour before I looked to see who was calling me, worried that I may have overslept and wasted most of my day. But it was early, too early. I didn’t even look at my phone, I just picked it up, not fully conscious as I attempted to answer it, hoping it would be a brief exchange with whoever was trying to get in touch with me at such a ridiculous hour. “Hello?” I just about spoke. “Shit. I didn’t think about the time difference, shit. Sorry.” I recognised Louis’ voice, my eyes opening. “Louis?” I began to sit myself up. “Yeah, sorry, I should’ve waited. I didn’t even think. I just…” “What? What is it?” I rubbed my eyes. “Is everything alright?” “I… I think you need to come home, mate.” My exhale was a heavy one. I think I’d sort of been expecting one of them to call in an attempt to coax me back there. They hadn’t been happy when I’d told them I was leaving. They’d wanted me to stay, for me to be happy, and I’d left them all without giving them more of a chance to talk things through with me. I purposefully avoided them after I’d broken the news, and I knew they’d have much more to say. They really did care about me. That’s why I thought he’d called. “I can’t, Louis. I-” “No, you need to. I know how much you fucking care about her, and she won’t call you herself, so-” “Wait, what? Is it Alfie?” I whipped my head up, suddenly wide awake. “Are you talking about Alfie? Is she alright?” He took a few seconds, his heart so heavy I could literally hear its burden over the phone. And then he told me. “Alfie’s mum died.”

[comicteaparty]

November 23rd-November 29th, 2019 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from November 23rd, 2019 to November 29th, 2019.  The chat focused on the following question:

How do you personally deal with hiatuses, both in regards to planned and unplanned breaks?

carcarchu

I feel very guilty when I go on unplanned hiatuses and I avoid going to tapas and webtoons at all until I've got an update completed. i'm scared to see comments complaining about the lack of updates and how many people have unfollowed me in the meantime. i also find it very hard to bounce back from a hiatus. when i've got a groove going it's easier to keep the momentum than it is to start again after a prolonged absence

Deo101

Kinda a rough question haha. I don't go on any hiatuses other than unplanned ones. It's only out of necessity, in the past I did it if school/health got rough, and I'd try to be back the next week with a normal update!!! However.. I have a second comic which has been on hiatus for a year. I miss making it, but I lost the person who I was working with on it so it has been hard to start again. I'm kind of not really dealing with it, as the anxiety of starting again gets worse the longer it's been! But, I know that the only way to get out of it is to just do it, and I have to do it as soon as I can or it will never end. So, I just work my way through them to get back on schedule.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

So far I've only taken one official hiatus, after I finished the second chapter of the comic - I worked on the next chapter's pages for the next two months, then came back and luckily haven't been off hiatus since.

I have another planned hiatus after the next chapter, and this time, I'll be accepting guest art to fill the space - it's not something I was aware was a thing until it was suggested to me. It'll be interesting to come up with a cool way to feature any art I receive. I like the idea of highlighting other artists' work while I'm taking a breather!

eli [a winged tale]

There’s such a huge mental barrier for me when it comes to announcing a hiatus but ultimately life and health come first. I have a comic on hiatus since 2015 (one day it’ll come back haha), and sometimes things happen to push my current one back for updates. I want to tell myself that since I’m producing free content, it should be for fun and not a source of stress (despite industry standards and what I want to achieve). It’s a balance. I think the readers who wait are the ones I am most grateful and treasure.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I have chronic health issues that can be very debilitating, so having hiatuses is something I have to deal with all the time. I might be able to update regularly for a few months, but eventually and inevitably, a sudden hiatus will come. It’s something that causes me a lot of stress on top of an already stressful situation. Readers leave, and then when I’m well enough to work, I don’t just have to churn out as many pages as I can while I can, I also have to rebuild my audience all over again. I hate going on hiatuses and having such an unstable update schedule, but there’s not much I can do about it.(edited)

Cronaj

Aw man... I also have been dealing with chronic health conditions, so I feel you. I finally got treatments that have been working, so I'm able to update consistently now. That being said, I was on hiatus for a year and a half until just recently. It really did destroy the momentum I was building up, and readers I had accumulated. Because of that, I am determined not to take long hiatuses anymore (a week-a month at most) and to announce it beforehand. I do find it important to prioritize health and mental well-being above my comic, but I find my mental health suffering every time I neglect to update my comic, so I find a middle ground by taking short breaks occasionally. Moral of the story: build up a buffer, kids. Don't be like me.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Yeah, same. I'm still trying to get a diagnosis, but I'm kind of an outlier in medicine- my body chemistry is very atypical. I build up those buffers whenever I can, but they always run out sooner or later. I love making comics so much that my mental health suffers, too. I get depressed if I'm not making progress on my comics. I'm really glad you've found a treatment that helps, though! I hope I can too, one of these years.

eli [a winged tale]

What is this mystical buffer everyone keeps talking about

I jest. Keep up the great work everyone! Everyone is trying their best and that’s most important

Capitania do Azar

I always take a small hiatus on the end of each chapter so I can rest and work on writing the next one, usually for a couple months.

sssfrs

I generally take my time with updates anyway. I've lost followers after hiatuses (strangely people only actually started unfollowing me after I came back with a new update) but I'm more focused on getting more of my comic done and progressing towards it being a finished work than keeping a consistent audience. Even though it would be nice...

DanitheCarutor

Fff coincidentally I'm going on a planned hiatus in December. At the end of every chapter I go on one to get feedback, and have some downtime to better plan the next chapter, as well as to get build some buffer. Usually during this time I either hold a Q&A, or do a call for guest art/comics, and I only ever plan to be on break for a month. I don't like being away for longer than that, and the intermission stuff (Q&A's, call for guest art) is announced a month or so beforehand, that way no one is scrambling when the scheduled break starts. As far as an unplanned hiatus, I don't usually have any with my current project. There have been times I've missed the posting deadline due to my fulltime job, but would post either once the page is done or the next week. With my old comic I took a lot of unannounced breaks, not so much because I was busy but I was going through a lot of crap, and morale was really low. It didn't help that it was my very first real attempt at making comics, so I had no idea what I was doing, the story was also hot garbage and became more of a chore to work as time went on. Eventually I just stopped, went on perma-hiatus totally unannounced to this day. I should have let my readers know, but I was really ashamed of myself for not wanting to work on the project (I promised I would complete it), and with a bunch of things suddenly happening in my life I forgot. I'll probably have to go in an unannounced break someday. A lot of things can happen, and being a traditional art only comic creator I'll probably end up running out of supplies eventually, needing to scrounge up some money for more. The nice thing is soooome, hopefully most, of my readers would understand? They know my comic is super time consuming, and that I've been working on it nonstop for 4-5 years now, so they should? Maybe? Hopefully that won't happen, though!

keii4ii

For those of you who take a break after each chapter, how many pages go in an average-length chapter?

🌈ERROR404 🌈

depends on how you're planning to set up your story, whether u want to prioritize to certain print sizes, but the general average chapter size is about 30 pages

Cronaj

I hadn't been planning to take a break between chapters, but we'll see what actually happens. I have chapters ranging from 35-50 pages in length(edited)

DanitheCarutor

Not sure how everyone else is, but I wing it with chapter length. The chapter I'm currently capping off will be 57 pages, although 30-45ish pages is preferred.

eli [a winged tale]

47 for me for this first chapter!

keii4ii

Cool! Was mostly asking a "so how frequently do you take scheduled post-chapter breaks" worded differently

sssfrs

I do 8-12.. I wish I could do more

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I am taking a short holiday break (that was actually planned this time) in between Eryl chapters. My Eryl chapters usually run 30-35 pages, and the break will be around..., 3 weeks I think? I can’t remember exactly. I’m probably going to have to put it back on hiatus partway through the chapter when my buffer runs out because of the aforementioned chronic health issues, though.

spacerocketbunny

I've only taken one hiatus and that was just while my site was being built! But even then we were able to have a short extra comic updating on an alternative site for that time being. We've been updating consistently for 5 years and that's thanks to the stability we've been lucky to have and the fact that there's two of us sharing the work. We've been able to work ahead enough so we've never ran out of a buffer, I'm pretty proud of that tbh(edited)

DanitheCarutor

@keii4ii Oh! So you were asking the time frame in which a chapter is finished? Correct me if I'm wrong. Normally each chapter takes about a year to complete, sometimes a couple months more than that. (for me, that is.)

spacerocketbunny

Nothing wrong with a hiatus though, especially after chapter breaks, I think those are pretty good to keep yourself from burning out!

Cronaj

I do 2-3 pages a week, so I finish a new chapter... about every 4-6 months

keii4ii

I appreciate the answers, everyone!

AntiBunny

I answered this one on Twitter, but I'll answer more at length here. FIrst of all I think a distinction should be made between a Hiatus, which is a planned break, and an extended delay, which is more missed updates compounding with each other.

The former is easier to deal with. Announce it with a clear return date.

The latter is rougher. The artist hasn't planned it, and feelings of guilt can make it harder and harder to return. The best thing to do in that case is to again, get out ahead of it. When you're delayed point people to your social media, and keep posting to make it clear you're still working, or if work has halted completely at least keep posting to let them know when you will be working on it again.

Either way I try to avoid even using the word "hiatus" because webcomic readers tend to read it as "abandoned." Sadly they're all too often right to do so.

Cronaj

Yeah, usually, when announcing a hiatus to my readers, I like to use the word "break" instead

It's a bit softer for some reason

You know, I am 95% certain that my readers thought I had abandoned the project—or died—when I disappeared for a year and a half

Because I know that I have gotten invested in a comic, only for the creator to go incognito

And I always wonder... Are they alright?

keii4ii

I usually figure either life got too busy, or the creator outgrew the project. Or both.

AntiBunny

I know. I stopped updating for almost a year because I wasn't happy with the planned ending of Nailbat. I lost readers I still haven't regained over that one.

In retrospect "waiting for inspiration" was not the ideal way to handle that.

Cronaj

Yeah, the fact that I returned at all is pretty crazy, from a reader's perspective(edited)

I've seen more abandoned projects than I have, "Hey sorry guys! Was dealing with stuff, but now I'm back!"

I mean, it happens

But very infrequently in comparison to the previous sadly(edited)

AntiBunny

Combine the fact that not updating is easier than updating, and the guilt of not updating making you feel like your return has to be even more awesome with every missed update, so you build for yourself a unsalable mountain of imagined expectation, and you have a recipe for abandonment.

Cronaj

Yep!

I'm still trying to regain my momentum

And I always feel so bad if I publish a less-than-stellar page

AntiBunny

There's also the fact that people grow and change. One problem with long form story webcomics is that an artist can outgrow their story.

Cronaj

That is so true

AntiBunny

The most successful tend to be the ones that can grow and change with the artist.

Cronaj

As a novelist as well, I can say that is incredibly accurate

I have dropped so many novels after writing 30k words or more

The only project I've stayed faithful to for over 5 years IS my current comic project

AntiBunny

Sluggy Freelance for example is very different today than when it began. Gunnerkrigg Court as well, and I like to think mine can too.

Though I'll admit I do have a character I've outgrown, and it bugs me people want to see her again.

Cronaj

I think that's just a desire for closure, and for things to come together in the end

AntiBunny

She was more of a comic relief character really. her sort of humor just isn't something I want to write anymore. That kind of edgelord "lol murder," humor isn't something I can write anymore. And unlike the core cast who've grown so that they don't have to come from the same place I was years ago, she hasn't.

I may be drifting off topic a bit there. Anyway I think it serves well as a reminder that for a long term story the characters need to grow with the artist to keep a comic going.

keii4ii

Not every story is meant to grow with the trends, and that's 100% fine. Just means you have to accept the risk of potentially outgrowing the project.

Using the word "trends" pretty broadly

Mine is not very adaptable, and I can't imagine making it more adaptable without altering its core. It doesn't make it less worthy as a story, just... yeah, bigger risk

seetherabbit

I always took breaks or "hiatus" way before I ran out of pages I could in theory add to the buffer

that way I could more easly relax

but also so I don't have to take an hiatus in the middle of a story

Pistashi

everyone needs a break sometimes

I've been updating and working constantly not only on my comic, but alto my yt channel and freelance jobs (because money is always welcomed, even tho I HATE FREELANCE WITH ALL MY CORE)

but I feel like I got momentum now and I dont wanna stop suddendly

sometimes I feel exhausted but then one day later or after 10h of sleep Im fine

I'll take a break later for sure, but rn I feel like this weight of responsibility is helping me build my work ethics

because we cant work just when we are inspired, we dont have that luxury :P

we cant overwork either, so we gotta be smart with our breaks and hiatuses

mathtans

I've been on hiatus more times than I want to count. One of those things where not having much of an audience helps... if no one's really saying much, they either continue not to say anything, or suddenly surface to wish you well.

I will say that I like concluding arcs. My first hiatus was when my wife went into hospital for a bit, I said I'd return but didn't know when. Most of my other hiatuses have been at the ends of arcs... and I'll add that while they were breaks from the comic, they weren't from content. I put up a few behind-the-scenes things, explaining backstory, and had a friend write a column for me too. I've seen other comics do similar, or use guest art.

And for those of you wondering "who's this guy", I've been on hiatus since my daughter was born. Meaning we're going on 17 months. (I may not return to comic work. I have another website I run where I do serials that I'm still maintaining.)

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

In most cases I take a hiatus at the end of a chapter. I have taken two official hiatuses and I think there were some shorter, inofficial ones that I had to take because of other obligations like my studies/family issues/freelance work or finishing books for print. Personally I have managed to not get myself too worked up about hiatuses. I'm doing comics for free and I can't live off of them, so it's inevitable to take breaks. Though I have to say I'm starting into a new chapter without having to go on hiatus, which is pretty neat C:

Pistashi

@Phin (Heirs of the Veil) thats niice! its like the more we work on comics the better (and faster) we get, so keeping the momentum between chapters without a hiatus is an awesome thing! Its the little things tbh

also, you're right. its inevitable to take breaks. specially when you're not working full time and can't live off of them. and like @mathtans said, responsibility shows up and sometimes we have to put things aside

like having a daugther! thats awesome dude! hope your family is doing well (and I know you said you might not get back to comics, but if its something you enjoy keep it up when you're free! making comics is fun) ahdksjnd

Neguri-Senpai-Author

I've actually never gone on a hiatus ever since I started really doing my comic. I can't really go on any hiatuses because I market mine as a weekly comic and additionally I have an oddly strong obsession over consistently in my life so I just feel really really weird if I'd do something like a break from my comic even if I needed it ^^; But currently it's not really that bad. I've been consistent with weekly uploads for a bit over a year now (I've started doing it weekly in September of 2018) and I don't plan on going on a hiatus any time soon. Maybe I'll work a bit in advance but I'm not gonna go on a hiatus to get a break

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

@Pistashi Yeah it's really nice when you finally get a little faster because you optimized your workflow

mathtans

@Pistashi Thanks! Family's doing great, but yeah, most of my free time goes to writing rather than drawing these days. We'll see how things play out.

Desnik

I didn't spotlight my hiatus, but when I finally return to acknowledge it, I'd like to have something to show for it, like a new project or 'this is where I am now' or 'This is what the comic meant to me' so that at least my readers get closure

[anagentinwriting]

To Catch a Thief - Part 1

Summary:  Being an FBI field agent was your dream job but having been stuck behind a desk for most of your career you’ve almost given up. Fortunately, a series of robberies with minimal evidence forces you to assist a team in the field to help solve the case. But when the only thing left behind is a series of song lyrics, will you be able to find the perp? Or will the number of obstacles and lack of evidence keep you from solving the case?

Pairing: Peter Quill x Reader

Word Count: 2,533

To Catch a Thief Masterlist / Main Masterlist

A/N: This is my first story I decided to post so hopefully, you'll stick with me till the end. Let me know what you think! Look forward to your comments!

You jolted awake hearing loud moans coming from the thin walls separating you and your neighbor's apartment. “You’re fucking kidding me.”  Sitting up you glance at your alarm clock reading 2 AM. Does this guy ever take a night off? Better yet, doesn’t he ever get exhausted? You swear new strays come out of his apartment on a daily basis.

“Yes, Peter, yes!” A woman screamed from behind the wall.

Okay, that’s it, you couldn’t take it anymore.  You tie on your robe and slip on your bunny slippers and march into the hallway to your neighbor's door.  You start pounding on it, but no one answers.

“I know you’re in there, open up,” you shouted, pounding on the door again.  Still, no answer! Are you fucking serious? You stood outside the door for a couple more minutes and continued pounding on his door.

“Open this fucking door, right now!”

You held your fist to the door once more when someone finally pulled the door open.  Standing in the doorway was a muscular dude wearing only boxer briefs causing your eyes to linger.

“What seems to be the problem, miss?”  

You lost your train of thought for a second, but then remembered what you were doing. You cleared your throat, “yes, I live on the other side of your bedroom wall. I wanted to check and see if you’re finished with your shenanigans because these walls aren’t exactly 'soundproof'?”

“Well,” he smirked down at his underwear, stepping further out of his doorway. “Yeah, we’re done. At least for the time being.” He crossed his arms, making his biceps seem larger than they appeared.

“Perfect!” you grumbled, turning around and marching to your door. You kept your lingering eyes focused in front of you, not wanted to give him the satisfaction of a second look.

“Hold on a second, I never caught your name?”

“I didn't throw it, Peter?”

“Wait, how did--” you shot a hard glare in his direction, “-- oh right,” he chuckled, nodding his head. “Have a good rest of morning, neighbor.”

You rolled your eyes closing the door.  This was your first encounter with your womanizer neighbor and it probably wouldn’t be your last.

Walking into work at FBI New York City Field Office wearing your usual business suit with your gun holstered to your hip.  It was going to be another day behind a desk. Every day, you hoped by some sheer miracle Special Agent-in-charge, Yondu Udonta, would notice your hard work and put you out in the field. You qualified as a field agent, but you wanted to work in the best division, which was Yondus. Unfortunately, his division only had openings for an analysts job, so you took it. You knew if you worked your ass off and showed Yondu what you could do, he would promote you. It's been about 3 years now and you were beginning to feel like he never would.

“What’s up hot shot? I have a story you are going to love,” Luis greeted as you walked up to the front desk.

Everyone knew Luis, both criminals, and law enforcement agents, and he knew everything going on with everybody.  Everyone seemed to trust him because he had one of those faces. In fact, he went undercover to take down the Hydra drug cartel with two agents from upstate, Rogers and Barnes.  Hydra made him steal ridiculous crap including smoothie machines; actually, it was two smoothie machines.  Luis decided after bringing them down, he wanted a simple life of working behind the scenes and they let him.

“What is it? You and your girlfriend make up?” You asked with a grin spreading across your face.

“Nah chica, she’s moved out instead. But anyways, I stayed late last night, right. And I was in the break room cleaning out the coffee maker because you know I don't like it when the filter gets moldy, or when people use the same coffee grounds multiple times it tends to lose the caffeine value, right."

“Come on Luis, get to the point.”

“Sorry sorry...ah...so I started talking with Vis, who is kind of sorta dating that really stupid fine Sokovian girl that works the front desk upstate, right. He told me that she heard Special Agent Stark talking to Yondu, right, and here comes the best part. Stark says, ‘Yo so Gamora is working this big thieving case right.’  Remember that super badass chick that worked here when you first started.” You nodded. “So anyways Stark goes, ‘She’s working this big case, you know, and she's comin' back to the city and you should offer up some space to her.’  And then Yondu said, ‘Yeah you’re right, and maybe, I should pick out an agent here to help her out.’ Of course, I got to thinking right, so I asked Vis if his really stupid fine Sokovian girl told him to tell me to tell you that Yondu is considering picking you for the spot…”

“What did he say?”

“He said yes,” Luis grinned.

“LN, my office now,” Yondu yelled, standing in the doorway to his office. You nodded turning back to Luis with a slight grin on your face as you headed over to Special Agent Udonta office.

You took a seat on the opposite side of Yondu observing all the trinket and gadgets covering his desk. There were troll dolls, glass figurines, a bobblehead dog, and even a mickey mouse statue. You didn’t know he was a fan of Disney.

“Good morning, Agent LN.  Did you hear anything about Gamora being back in town and how she is working this thieving case?"  Yondu asked, putting his feet on his desk and reclining in his chair.

“Yes sir, I may have heard something.”

“Well, it just so happens I am picking one person from this division to assist her and I’m considering you.  Would you be interested in an opportunity like this?”

“What does this case all entail?” You inquired, wanting to say yes right away, but didn’t want to come off too eager.

“You will be assisting Gamora and her partner, Kraglin, in finding out who is behind these thefts.  I don’t know much about this investigation, but I do know it involves six rare and valuable necklaces. The thieves have stolen two while the other four still remain unaccounted for. And if you do well on this case, I may consider promoting you to a fulltime field agent.”

“I’m in. When do I start?” You nodded as excitement shot through you. You bit your cheek to hold back a smile. On the outside, you kept your emotions professional, but on the inside, you felt like a child on Christmas morning.

“You start immediately.”

You smiled walking out of Yondu’s office and up to the 3rd-floor conference room C. You pause outside the door wondering if you should knock or walk right in. You cracked the door open poking your head inside. “Hi, um, I’m Agent YN LN, Yondu sent me up here to assist on the case.”

“Perfect,” acknowledged the magenta ombre colored hair women. “I’m Gamora and he's Kraglin.” She pointed to the man working behind the computer.

“Hello,” he waved, staring up from his computer.

“So, what do I need to know?” You glanced over the documents, pictures, and books lying on the tables. There was a significant amount of information you needed to catch up on, but you were ready. This was what you always wanted to do, and now, it was your chance to prove yourself.

“We are trying to find the person or persons stealing the Infinity Stone Necklace Collection. As of right now, two of the six necklaces are missing with the latest occurring early this morning.  It happened at Dr. Stephen Strange's residence on the upper east side of New York. We still don’t know how they pulled it off. There was no forced entry, no alarms triggered, and everything was as Strange left it before he went to work.

From an eyewitness at the scene, she believed the suspect to be a male in his late 20s or early 30s. She never saw his face, but he seemed athletic and strong since he was jumping over the backyard fences. We believe he has people helping him, since all we seem to have on him are these two sheets of paper with lyrics on them," Gamora informed you. She held up the two evidence bags containing the lyrics before handing them over.

#1: O-o-h child, things are gonna get easier

     O-o-h child, things'll get brighter

                     Sorry, SL

#2: Don't stop thinking about tomorrow

     Don't stop, it'll soon be here

     It'll be here better than before

     Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone

                Sorry, SL

“Well, this first one is O-o-h Child by Five Stairsteps and the second one is Don’t Stop by Fleetwood. But, why is he apologizing for stealing these necklaces?”

“Wait, just from the lyrics you knew who the song and artists was. Nice work,” Gamora smirked in your direction. “We don’t know why he’s apologizing, but we suspect he’s either stealing these for a big payout or he’s toying with us.”

“Okay, but why sign SL? Are those his initials?”

“We thought so, but it was a dead end.  The only name we came across with any connection to the necklaces was a guy named Stan Lee.  Turns out he was an avid collector who admired them but never had the balls to actually steal them. Mr. Lee was in his late 80s to early 90s, so we ruled him out as a suspect. He did share a lot of information with us about these stones and it’s all here in these files. You will need to read through these to get a better understand of what we are looking for."

“Of course, but back to these song lyrics, are they special to him or linked to the necklaces somehow? It could tell us what necklace he’s going after next?” You queried, staring at the lyrics.

“See we thought the same, but there's no correlation between the songs and the necklaces,” Kraglin replied. “We thought it linked to SL’s personality, but he could've picked them at random, too. There are still many unanswered questions, but here is what we have on him so far." He walked over handing you a file.

“Male. Late 20s to early 30s. Likes classic rock and pop music,” you read. “Are you serious? This is it?”

“It’s hard to find someone when the only clues are song lyrics. Besides, profiling isn’t really my strong point,” Kraglin added with a sigh, walking back over to his computer.

“What about the first theft that happened at Caesars Palace in  Las Vegas, did we get anything there?” You asked, pointing at the bulletin board. There were five pictures of the necklaces and a blank white piece of paper with a question mark. Underneath the pictures were their last known location; Above the pictures were strange names including Space, Power, Aether, Time, Mind, and Soul.

“We didn't get anything besides the lyrics, but the necklace did get inspected once a week at the same time on the same day. We suspect our thief knew this because he knocked out the guard who usually takes care of the inspection.  Unfortunately, he didn’t see anything and didn't even know what happened. We’re still going through security tapes, but so far nothing to show the necklace being monitored. But the thief did replace the necklace with a hologram similar to it, so we know he has some great tech.  Right now, it’s a slow process with only two of us, which is why we are happy to have you on our team,” Gamora chimed in and you nodded.

“Do we know where the other four in the collection are?”

“Much like everything else around here, it’s a work in progress. We have a list of possible owners, but they all deny owning one. We assume with the necklaces being so rare and valuable the owners don’t want to risk people finding out and stealing them. Even the museums exhibiting the necklaces refrain from saying who owns them.”

“Someone is figuring it out and stealing them anyways,” you mumbled under your breath.

“Here’s everything you need to know, so head home and study.” Gamora hands you an evidence box.  “There are books and files in here, so when you come back tomorrow we want to hear some new theories.”

“Wait...you want me to leave, but Yondu said--”

“Yondu isn’t in charge of you anymore so go home, study, and come back tomorrow. The more you learn about these necklaces the better because it will give you a bigger picture of what we are looking for. Besides, you have to prove your worth by putting in the work and we want to see if your worth bringing on this case.”

“Guess I’ll get to it.” You nodded, lifting the evidence box and grunting at how heavy it was.  This was going to be a long trip back to your apartment.

Stepping through the doors to your apartment lobby struggling with the box, you see the doors to the elevator closing.  “Hold the door please!” A hand stopped the door and inside was the man from last night. “Thanks,” you mumbled, and Peter nodded with a smile.

“You dress like your important,” Peter asserted with a lopsided smile.

“And you dress like a horny teenager,” you commented, rolling your eyes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s not like we have to talk because we are in an elevator together.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, YN.”

“Impressive, so you learned my name.” You set the box down on the floor in front of you to give your arms a short rest. For real, what did Gamora put in the box?

“I did. It’s on your mailbox and I have to say it suits you.” You shrugged, wishing he would stop talking to you. “What’s in the box?”

“A severed head,” you smirked, seeing him raise his eyebrows out of the corner of your eye. “But it’s mostly books. Something your girlfriend wouldn’t know anything about.”

“Oh, I don't have a girlfriend,” he smirked. “I prefer to not get attached to my lady friends.”

“Huh..that doesn't surprise me.”

The elevator doors opened and you picked up your box only to notice Peter holding the doors open for you. He may be a womanizing player, but it was nice to know he had some gentleman type traits. You nodded walking past him to your apartment. You set your box down to unlocked the door and glanced in Peter’s direction.  He was standing by his door with his eyes wandering over you biting his lip.

“Did you want to be one of my lady friends... I mean since we're neighbors it could be convenient,” he winked, shooting you a smile.

“Uck. I would rather sleep with myself.” You stepped into your apartment, kicking the door shut behind you.

“So is that a firm no then,” Peter shouted from the hallway. “Well, I’ll still be here if you ever change your mind.”

[insertclassyusernamehere]

True Life: I worked for a Sociopath

In early 2013, I started a journey with a company that I loved. I was hired on as a sales associate by a strong, powerful and amazing store manager who literally taught me everything I know. She promoted me 6 months in to a lower level management role, and when she got an offer to move onto bigger things in the company, she helped push me into a fulltime management role. Her assistant manager at the time ultimately ended up filling her position as she left, and to be honest, I had no idea what I was in for. I hadn't worked too much with this particular manager prior, and didn't have much of a real raport with her at all. I truly was excited about the change, and everything felt like a new beginning. The first year was pretty rocky in general, but we just chalked it up to us all being new in our roles, and pushed through it until we got onto a schedule. The assistant manager at the time and I were incredibly close, and it was pretty clear to me at the time that she was being bullied and demonized by our store manager, but I thought maybe it was just some kind of personal bad blood between them. The store manager (we will call her Sarah) would talk to associates and other managers behind her back, calling her names, and pointing her fingers at her for anything going awry in the store. Finally, our ASM snapped, and left the company. Sarah told us all that things would be SO Much better without her there "creating hostility". Most of us knew that the former ASM wasn't the problem.

With the separation of our ASM, I was then ushered into the role as a replacement. I was excited. I was excited about a raise, about more responsibility and the growth that I had worked SO hard for. To give you just a little information on my character: I'm a fiery personality, but I'm also incredibly compassionate. I'm a giant mama bear, and I looked at all my employees as my little cubs. With that being said, I was always doing everything with theirs and the stores' best interest in mind. Now at this time, Sarah had A LOT of personal stuff going on. She always did, to be honest. The personal shit never stopped. But, unlike most people who put themselves in a store management position, she used her power to work everything in HER favor so it didn't conflict with her super dramatic life. This meant breaking every rule along the way. She scheduled herself only opening shifts, on a consistent schedule. Every single Sunday off. And when any small thing happened in her life, she just wouldn't show up to her shifts. She would expect me to come in on my days off to cover her shifts on a monthly basis. She made me work doubles covering her shifts more than a few times. If you were not flexible with her, she would tell you that you just needed to take one for the team and would punish you with a cold attitude and talk shit about you behind your back to the rest of the staff. She bullied everyone in the store, but especially the management team. On the other hand, if you were sick and tried to call out... she'd refuse to cover your shift and make you come in anyways. When she wouldn't come in for a scheduled shift, she would just code in PTO for herself and move on with her day. When she was there, she didnt do anything at all. One time she passed out in the back room from pills while our sales lead was on the floor by herself. As fulltime managers we were assigned DORs (departments of responsibility). There was Operations, Talent and Merchandising and they were split between the 3 fulltime managers. My last year with the company, I was working 2 of the 3 while Sarah was doing none. I took more than half of the conference calls. I planned our entire fiscal year. I made ever schedule, did every interview and every new hire onboarding. I was training our keyholder in the merch DOR. When I say that I was literally running a 1.6 million dollar store with no help from my SM, while only making $13hr I AM NOT KIDDING. All the while, anytime I tried to initiate positive change, and enforce standards I was immediately shot down and told "I am not the Store Manger". So essentially - we were failing. At this point I learned that on top of everything I was doing, she was telling everyone else in the store than I was a horrible manager and did nothing. She called me names to people, and even lied to them about crazy shit she claims I did. When I confronted her, she would tell me it never happened. All our employees were quitting left and right because she was literally crazy. She would yell at them on the sales floor and make them cry, force them to stay past their scheduled shifts and the few times she did make the schedule she would schedule them outside of their availability and fuck us over with coverage on the weekend. She manipulated every single person on staff. I left work crying every day.

Now here's where things got fucking psychotic. My keyholder and I had to drive to Tampa for a training certification class, and one thing led to another that ended with us spilling only a small portion of the crazy shit going on in our store. The manager training us empowered us to go to our DM. I spent the night writing and incredibly detailed list of everything she had been doing with help of the rest of the store staff and management team. The next day I called our DM and she was floored. She told me that she was going through HR to get it figured out (this was in august) and while she got in a small amount of "trouble"for a few small things, Sarah was still our store manager and she was bullying us worse than ever. Sarah immediately assumed that I was the one that got her in trouble (even though every single person on staff contributed) and she took it out on me in the worst ways. She denied all of my request offs and had my working every single weekend. Things hit rock bottom after Hurricane Irma hit us on October 2018. We had an emergency close the day before the hurricane touched down because our entire staff was living in evacuation zones and were running out of the state to stay safe from the storm. The night we closed it was me, Sarah and an associate who we will call Ashley. Things were totally normal, low stress and went fairly smoothly. When we arrived back after the storm everything seemed normal. Another week passed, and my husband and I were driving down south to his parents house when I received a call from my DM. In this call she Informed me that my CRAZY BITCH SM told her that on the night of the emergency closing I told her that if we didn't close the store I was going to KILL HER AND HER FAMILY.

WHAT THE FUCK.

She also made the mistake of telling the DM that the associate was a witness. And the DM told her that she needed to have a conversation with me and ask me why I said that. The DM (thankfully) warned me that this conversation might happen, but neither of us thought this bitch was crazy enough to actually lie about something so serious that she claims I said TO MY FACE.

BOY WERE WE WRONG!

She called out of her next shift with me, but then proceeded to come in before hours at 8:30 AM as I was opening the systems, cornered me alone in the stock room, and this bitch looks at me and says "Kianna, do you remember saying anything inappropriate to me during the emergency close?"

Me: No...

Her: Nothing... at all?

Me: Nope. Nothing at all, why?

Her *yelling*: SO YOU DONT REMEMBER THREATENING TO KILL ME AND MY FAMILY??!

ME*completely shocked that she literally said it*: No, Sarah. Seriously? We both know I would never say something like that. I literally dont even use that kind of language jokingly.

Her: Just admit you said it and apologize.

Me: I'm not going to admit to something I didnt say.

Her: Ashley was working she heard you!

Me: Oh really? Ashley happens to be my opener. Let's ask her! If she heard me say that, I will apologize and just accept that I somehow said this horrible thing and blocked it out.

Her *hesitantly*: oh... okay.

When Ashley arrived, we sat her down and Sarah asked her the same uncomfortable question. "Do you remember Kianna saying something incredibly inappropriate and threatening the night we emergency closed?"

Ashley: Uhh... no?

Sarah: So you don't remember her threatening my family's life?

Ashley: UHM, DEFINITELY NOT?!

Sarah: UGH, WELL I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY, ASHLEY, THAT SINCE YOU WON'T ADMIT THAT SHE THREATENED ME THAT I WILL LOOK LIKE A LIAR TO MY BOSS!

Turns out she then tried to groom Ashley into lying for her by offering her a raise if she lied. Ashley told our DM this. SARAH WAS STILL OUR STORE MANAGER. By the end of October, 3 MONTHS AFTER TURNING HER IN, I was done waiting. I turned in my notice, found a better paying job and left that toxic situation. I left because I felt unsafe in my work environment and despite all my evidence and her threats and her literally lying in hopes to get me fired and arrested I WAS STILL BEING FORCED TO WORK WITH HER.

The day I turned in my notice, I found out I was pregnant with my son. Leaving that toxic environment was the best decision I ever made. KNOW YOUR WORTH, GUYS.

[taehyungiestummy]

Blood, Sweat, and Tears -- Chapter 13

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Warnings: Swearing, a good amount of fluff

Word Count: 6554

It’s crazy how fast time flies by when you are going to university, trying to plan a Halloween gala, keeping up with your boyfriend, and doing your best to find the person who murdered your parents. Two weeks have already gone by, and varying degrees of progress has been made in the four main categories in my life. “Can you believe it, Yoongi?” I kick my feet into the air as I lie on the couch in our late father’s office. “Tomorrow is Halloween, which means our first gala as the new leaders of Bangtan. I can’t help but wonder what dad would think of how far we’ve come in such a little time.”

“He would be proud of us,” Yoongi grins at me as he sits in a chair with a stack of letters on his lap. “He’d be so happy with how far we’ve come with little guidance. We’re the best people that could have taken over this business, and I think that’s becoming more and more clear with each passing day.” “I’m still working on categorizing those words for you, but I think we are getting closer to figuring out what really happened to our parents,” I let my legs fall back onto the couch. “Sometimes I have a second pair of eyes look at all we’ve found to see if they can figure out what the connection is. I also have been trying to make sentences and such with the words we’ve found. It’s a fun puzzle, in a strange kind of way.” “What’s gotten you so happy and giddy these past couple of weeks?” Yoongi tilts his head to curiously look at me. “It felt like for a while there you were never going to get out of your funk. Is it because you go to those book club meetings?” I bite the inside of my cheek to keep in a laugh. The times that I tell Yoongi that I am staying back on campus because of the book club are the times that Taehyung and I have been going out on dates to different coffee shops or old bookstores. I have been helping out with the book club as on outsider, though. If Yoongi were to ever call and ask if I was there, the people there would know to lie on my behalf. “Well,” I speak up after the want to laugh has passed. “I don’t have to deal with the Fakes anymore, so that has really taken a weight off of my shoulders. I don’t have to deal with their daily bullshit. I’ve been able to get back to training with Jimin thanks to my wound healing,” I raise my right arm up to check out the light scar on my forearm. “I’m hanging out with people that I actually care about, and who care about me. I may be without parents early in my life, but life is actually turning in a good direction.” “You’re so positive,” Yoongi chuckles, shaking his head as he looks down at the letters on his lap. “I thought you might mention a new boy who’s taken your interest, but I guess you don’t need a significant other to be happy.” My arm drops onto my face to try to cover the blush that is invading. “How could I possibly have a boyfriend when you make it so clear that you’ll scare them away? If a boy even tried to flirt with me you’d have a heart attack, and then kill him once you make it out of the hospital. Besides, I have too much going on in my life to even think about starting a relationship now.” “I have never said that a boy can’t flirt with you,” he scoffs. “I’d just like to meet him, and get a background check from the hackers, and he can’t be from the mansion. Simple requirements.” “You’re doing it again,” I move my arm up to rest on my forehead. “There are plenty of boys in this house that would be just like meeting them at university. I’m a mafia boss, Yoongi. A godmother, in a sense. This is my life just like it is yours. I’m gonna need someone who has been in on the operation just as I have.” “I’m not going to fight with you, Bambi,” Yoongi sighs, shuffling around the letters he’s holding. “Dad and I always wanted you to get out of this profession, but it’s clear that you belong here just like everyone else. You want to be here more than any person I know.” “It’s about fucking time that people realize that women can do all the same things that men do,” I turn my head to look over at my brother. “That’s why I want to be here to be here so bad. There’s a stigma around women in gangs, and especially the mafia. I watch the movies, and I want to be the one that is different. Show to those in the mansion that I can be just as good as my brother counterpart, and show to the outside world that I can lead a big corporation just as good as you.” “You are doing that, Bambi,” Yoongi looks up to lock eyes with me. “People never looked down on you when you were always in the background of operations because you go to school fulltime. People always ask about you, and how you are doing. You are a key component in everything that Bangtan does. You will always be that because Bangtan would be nothing without their badass princess. You keep us all sane, in a way. You give a different point of view to problems, and go out and fight to keep people safe, and are just a lovely human being.” “Why do you act like that isn’t true, though?” I push myself into a sitting position; not once breaking eye contact with my brother. “Why do you act like I am weak?” “Because you’re my damn little sister,” he says like it is the most obvious answer. “When you were born, and I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew that my biggest goal in life would be to protect you. To make sure to keep you out of as much harms way as possible. I treat you different because you are closer to me than any person in this world. If you were gone, my whole life would crumble.” Without a chance to give any thought into my action, I vault off of the couch and rush over to fall onto my brother. He lets out a huff as a breath is forced out of him, but he wraps his arms around me regardless. “I am not going anywhere, Yoongi,” I speak up after I’ve had time to sort out my thoughts. “Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I am always going to be by your side. I have more than enough people keeping an eye on me to make sure I stay safe. Plus, I wouldn’t go down without a fight,” I giggle. “I’d kick some ass before anyone ever took me down.” Yoongi chuckles, “Of course. I know how skilled you’ve become as a fighter. It’s just now that mom and dad are both gone, I realize just how deadly this job can be. I love you so much, Bambi.” “I love you so much, too,” I wiggle around so that I can comfortably snuggle into my brother’s side. “It’s moments like this that I live for. Just being able to spill our guts to one another.” “I love holding you because it reminds me of the first time I saw you,” Yoongi kisses the top of my head. “You’ll always be the small baby that knew nothing of the world and smiled at me like you knew just who I was. That I was your big brother, and I would always be there to make you smile.” “I didn’t crush the letters too badly, did I?” I giggle as I glance down at the papers on his lap. “They didn’t even cross my mind until now. I just needed to be over here.” “They’re fine,” he tosses the pile of letters onto the floor. “I’ve been reading them for a while now, and I’m just not getting anywhere.” “Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about it for a while and then it will hit you like one of my kicks,” I giggle. “Seriously though, I think we both deserve a break. We should get Jin to make us some comfort food, as tomorrow is going to be stressful. I just know it will be.” “What comfort food do you suggest we have?” Yoongi squishes my sides. “I need something warm to eat.” “I’m sure if we just go to the kitchen and ask Jin to make us some warm comfort food, he’ll do a perfect job.” “That’s one of your favorite places in this whole mansion,” he rubs his hand up and down my back. “You love to chill in the kitchen and just talk the afternoon away with Seokjin.” “Well, he always listens and gives good advice,” I manage to shrug. “And Jin’s hot chocolate can always cheer me up. There’s many other places in the mansion that I love, though.” “You love being right by my side,” Yoongi helps me sit up so he can look me in the eyes. “How about we go get something to eat and then chill watching some show in your room?” “That sounds perfect,” I tenderly smile. “We’ll need a lot of energy for tomorrow. It’s going to be a crazy day.”

********

“It’s been years since I’ve dressed up for Halloween,” I smile as I pull the blue dress of the Mario space princess off the hanger. “My last costume was something basic, like just wearing a onesie out with some of my before-the-mafia friends.” “Too bad you couldn’t go too crazy with a costume, seeing as you have to meet potential business partners,” Sooyoung checks out her Tinkerbell outfit in the many mirrors of my closet. “I like Rosalina’s dress, though. Like, a lot. It’s elegant but shows off your body in just the right way.” Boram giggles, “You two are a crazy duo. There’s just something about the both of you that makes such a perfect friendship.” “You’re our friend too, Boo,” I smile at the young doctor dressed up as a kitten. “You are part of our crazy perfect trio. We are three girls that you don’t want to mess with,” I chuckle. “We love having you around to talk with us because then we can talk about even more boys,” Sooyoung slips her feet into the iconic Tinkerbell flats. “Speaking of boys, Boram, are you still crushing on Taemin?” She has a sly grin on her face as she asks the question. Boram’s face is overcome with a blush in mere seconds, and it seems like the girl is at a loss for words. “Pebble, that was just mean,” I shake my head. “Boram, take some deep breaths. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” “If she doesn’t want to talk about her crush, then I will talk about mine,” Sooyoung takes a seat on a stool. “Jungkook is a puzzle that I can’t seem to figure out. One minute he seems to be all up for going out on a date, and then the next he’s shutting himself off. I guess that’s just what happens when you’ve been an assassin for so long.” “He’s a little rougher around the edges than most of those within the mansion,” I slip my robe off, quickly shimmering into the blue dress. “There’s nothing you can do other than keep doing what you’re doing. He’ll open up if you care enough about him.” “Has he opened up to you?” Sooyoung motions me over with her index finger. “Other than having to tell his story to join Bangtan, I mean.” I step up to my best friend, turning so she can zip up the back of my dress. “We’ve talked about different things here and there. I’ve been around these boys for many years of my life. They see me as a friend.” “Well, one of them sees you as more than a friend,” Boram can’t help the giggle that escapes her lips. I grin, walking over to a mirror to adjust the sleeves. “Ah, so Doc told you about my relationship with a certain hacker?” “We tell each other everything,” Boram crosses her arms over her chest. “I am as much involved over in the hospital wing as he is. If something is going to happen where you need a doctor, then you are going to need two. That’s just how it works. Minho trusts me enough to know that I won’t talk about your little group of vigilantes.” “We’re not vigilantes,” I turn to look at Boram. “We are just doing a little of extra work that my brother will thank me for in the long run.” “You’re doing it behind his back because you can’t tell him about your relationship with that hacker. Taehyung, right?” I take a deep breath, “Yoongi would never accept that I am dating the boy who watches over me. Not yet. Once I am able to show all the information that we have on my mother, and the Red Wolves, and just what the fuck is going on, I’m sure he’ll be more accepting of the one who I have decided to date.” “Has Mr. Hacker found anything other than your files at the therapist?” Sooyoung adjusts the flower she has in her bun. “Has anyone found out anything other than what we’ve been trying to decipher?” I turn back to the mirror and start messing around with my hair, “Nothing. It’s all dead ends or confusing riddles. I’m still working through what all the hi-lighted words could have in common. Yoongi’s been looking through letters and other documents. Our father’s office was a tomb of secrets, and someone wanted to make sure that us kids would have a hell of a time trying to figure it all out.” I shake my head, trying to clear all the negative thoughts. “Enough talk about this. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about boys?” I smirk over at the girls. “Yes, that’s what I like to hear,” Sooyoung has a giant grin on her face as she clasps her hands together. “Now, Jungkook and I are somewhere between friends and a couple for the moment. Just being able to talk to him more in these last few months has been a dream come true.” “How’s Taemin been, Boram?” I walk over and take a seat on a stool near both girls. Boram shrugs as her cheeks return to their blushing state. “He’s always off doing accounting things, and the times when we would be able to hangout he has to go bartend.” “There has to be a time when you both have downtime,” I nibble on my bottom lip. “In fact, I’ll make it happen when we are looking over the hours for Taemin.” “Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Boram takes a deep breath. “If we aren’t meant to be, then we aren’t meant to be.” “You are so meant to be, Boo,” Sooyoung lifts her feet up to admire her cute slippers. “If it wasn’t for Areum telling Taehyung to put in a good word to Jungkook for me, I’d still be crushing from the sidelines. Friends help other friends, and family looks out for each other.” Boram giggles, “Bangtan is a family of friends.” “So, will you let me change around the bartenders to make sure that Taemin and you can hang out?” I lean towards the girl, grinning like a mad woman. She takes a deep breath, “Yes, I’ll let you change some things around.” “Sweet,” I lean back, satisfaction taking over my face as I stare at the ceiling. “Now, there’s only one boy left to talk about,” Sooyoung taps me with her foot to get me to look at her. “Areum, how is your boyfriend doing?” I feel a light blush rise onto my cheeks, “I don’t know what you are trying to get at, but Taehyung and I are doing just fine. We’ve been going on café or bookstore dates whenever he can sneak away and pick me up from university. He’s over in my room often so that we can work on things in each other’s presence. It’s a very nice relationship. Like none I’ve had before.” “So, are you in love with him?” Sooyoung leans forward. “I can’t believe you,” I shake my head. “He’s listening in on this conversation, and I would not like to talk about my deeper feelings for him where he can hear like this.” “So, you do love him?” Boram tilts her head as she holds back a smile. I sigh, knowing that they’ll keep prodding me until I give a solid answer. “I don’t know. I have this strong feeling within me that wants me to be with him, and touch him, and help him with whatever troubles he has. There’s a strange feeling within me that has me thinking that I knew him before this, but that’s how I feel about you, Sooyoung. Like we had been together before I met you,” I let my head fall so I’m staring down at my lap. “I don’t know.” From my peripheral vision I catch Sooyoung and Boram give each other a look that I can’t read. It’s like they had a split-second conversation about me. “Well, that sounds like love, my dear,” Sooyoung takes a deep breath. “You’re just afraid because you’ve had a relationship end shitty before. Taehyung isn’t like that. He’s not going to hurt you. I’ll make sure of it,” she clenches her fists on her lap. I chuckle, looking up at the only two girls in the world I would share this kind of information with. “We haven’t even kiss,” I can’t help the laugh that explodes from within me. “Holy fucking shit. I may be in love with this boy and we haven’t even kissed. He’s all I could ask for in a person to love, and I can’t even do the most basic action that couples do.” Boram and Sooyoung can’t help but join in on my laughter. It’s these kinds of moments that I live for with my friends. It is like we have forgotten that every day could be our last, and we are living like the young girls that we are. Nothing can get in the way of our joy. Nothing can get in the way of conversations on boys. “If you’re listening right now, Taehyung, I give you permission to kiss my best friend tonight,” Sooyoung is the first to catch her breath. “I can’t believe you just said that,” I groan, placing my head into my hands. “I’m not sure if I want him to be listening right now or not. Either way, I think I want to kiss Taehyungie tonight.” “Then we better get down to the ballroom,” Boram stands up. “A night of fun is ahead of us, girls. Let’s go get it started.”

********

I’ve been standing beside my brother for what feels like an eternity as we greet and speak with present and future business partners. While we both try to talk an equal amount, it is clear that Yoongi has taken over my father’s passion of speech and being in control. He answers all the questions about Bangtan, while I answer the more personal ones. It’s been a sight to see the older businessmen come in wearing basic costumes of sports players or movie stars from their childhood. The younger businessmen take the costume party to heart and have gone all out in popular television characters or superheroes. Yoongi is one of those who has gone with a costume that reflects his age: Naruto. He has the uniform, headband, spiked hair, and facial markings. It’s been interesting having to explain who we are dressed up as to those who our father brought into the organization. “It’s nice to see you, Dr. Sato,” Yoongi’s voice drags me out of my thoughts. “Ah, my old doctor,” I smile at the man dressed as a baseball player and the young man next to him dressed as Superman. “And someone that I feel I’ve seen somewhere.” “This is my son, Reo,” Dr. Sato pats his son on the shoulder. “We actually go to the same university, Areum,” Reo generously bows in my direction. “I’ve had a few classes with you.” “Oh, yes, that’s where I’ve seen you before,” I can’t stop the lie from passing through my lips. “It’s good to see you again. I don’t think we ever formally talked in school.” “No, you were always off with that one group of girls,” Reo steps closer to me as Yoongi begins to talk business with Dr. Sato. “Everyone always thought you were great friends. Until you blew up at them a few weeks ago.” I feel a heat rise onto my cheeks as I remember yelling at the Fakes. “Yeah, well, there’s a lot people don’t know about me.” “I’m really sorry about what happened to your dad. I lost my aunt and uncle to a bad accident, and I was very close with them. My cousins have lived with us ever since.” “I remember reading about that,” I reach up to push my crown back into place. “No one ever prepares you for the loss of a parent, or the loss of anyone close to you. Life is a bitch.” Reo laughs, “They say the same about karma. You sure have had to battle a lot that life has thrown at you, though. I couldn’t imagine what you go through.” I shrug, “It’s only made me stronger. I wouldn’t change my struggles for anything.” “How’s school life been like from the library?” Reo grins as he runs a hand through his hair. “Comfortable and quiet. I get more work done there then when I have to go to class. Might go to online after this semester though. Yoongi’s going to need help running Bangtan. We are co-CEO’s in this venture.” “I’ll miss seeing you at university, then. We should have lunch one day, so that you can stretch your legs and get out of that library.” I politely smile, trying my hardest not to roll my eyes, “Maybe we can figure something out. Just because I don’t go to class doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of work to do.” “Sorry to interrupt,” Yoongi places his hand on my elbow. “Areum, we’ve been talking to people for hours, we need to go get something to eat.” I feel relief wash over me as I look over at my brother. “Has it really been a couple of hours now? I’m surprised my stomach hasn’t made any grumbling noises yet.” “It was nice talking to you, Areum,” Reo bows at me once again. “Hopefully we’ll see each other around campus.” “Yes, that would be lovely,” I nod at him. Yoongi doesn’t waste any time in dragging me away from the doctor and his son. His next mission is to get us to the buffet tables as soon as possible. “Are you okay, Yoongi?” I furrow my eyebrows together as I look over my brother. “I’m fine,” Yoongi hands me a plate. “It’s you who I’m worried about. I could feel you getting uncomfortable back there. Why didn’t you get my attention and lie to get out of that conversation?” “I was just being polite,” I shrug, starting to pile food onto my plate. “There are some people out there that you just have to deal with. He hadn’t made any big move on me, so I felt like I could handle it. I was just annoyed that he thought I was interested in him.” “So, you don’t feel any romantic feelings for him?” “Not a single romantic feeling,” I can’t help the look of disgust that forms on my face. “He’s definitely not my type. Too goody-two-shoes. I need someone with a bit more character,” I slightly smile as I think of Taehyung. “Good, because I like Dr. Sato, but there’s only so much I can take of his stories about work,” Yoongi lowly chuckles. “I think tonight is going very well.” “They would be so proud of us. Mother and father are looking down on us with big smiles on their faces. I just know it.” “They’ll be even happier when we sit down and eat,” Yoongi motions for me to follow him with the nod of his head. The two of us head to a back table where we will have just enough time to eat before someone calls for us. That’s the life of being the one’s in charge of the biggest organization in Seoul. Yoongi and I don’t talk much once we get seated and start stuffing food into our mouths. It gives me the perfect chance to search the throng of people for my friends. It’s not hard to find Sooyoung in her Tinkerbell outfit, so this has me spotting Jungkook and Taehyung chatting away with her. Jungkook is dressed up as a bunny, making him look a lot more adorable than what he usually does. Taehyung makes my heartrate speed up as his costume is a vampire. To keep the blush off my cheeks, I go back to scanning the room for my friends. I still can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get some alone time with Taehyung tonight. Seokjin, Namjoon, and Hoseok are off to the side with a clear look at the exit and entrance so they can keep their eye on the guests. Seokjin is in a pumpkin costume that he totally got at the dollar store. Namjoon is dressed up as the popular Kakao Friend Ryan, and it actually fits his personality more than he might realize. Hoseok went with a classic from Star Wars: Luke Skywalker. Another scan over the crowd gets me to spot Boram, Minho, and Taemin. Boram has now put paws on her hands to complete her kitten look, and I must say she’s one of the cutest girls here. Minho looks to be dressed up as a detective of sorts, and Taemin has taken on his friend’s role as doctor. Now if Boram could just stand a little closer to Taemin. “Ah, it’s about time that I find the hosts of this lovely event,” Jimin takes a seat between Yoongi and me. “You look beautiful, baby girl,” he gently pinches my cheek. “Jiminie,” I whine, slapping his hand. “Why do you do this?” Jimin widely smiles so his eyes turn into crescents. He’s gone with a simple dinosaur onesie, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t looking super adorable. “I compliment you because that’s what best friends do,” he taps my nose. “Well you look adorable,” I giggle leaning into the dinosaur boy. “Did you stop by just to talk, or is there something going on?” Yoongi speaks up. “A little bit of both,” Jimin turns to look at my brother. “It’s been a while since the three of us have been able to spend some time together.” “Well, we aren’t in middle school anymore. We don’t walk down the street hand in hand as we head to school. A lot has changed, especially in the past few months.” “We’re all still the best of friends,” I reach over to shove Yoongi’s shoulder. “There’s no reason to get all serious.” “You’re right,” Yoongi let’s out a breath, a tiny smile playing on his lips. “It’s been a long night already, and we’re only halfway through. Bambi and I have talked to so many people that Bangtan is going to continue working with, and those who want to start working with us. With all the work we are still doing trying to find out about our parents, life is going to be busier than ever.” “Speaking of life getting busier, I need to tell you something, Yoongi,” I nibble on my bottom lip as the two boys look at me. “You are not quitting school,” Yoongi and Jimin say in unison. “Areum, I don’t give a fuck how busy Bangtan gets, you will keep going to university until you graduate,” Yoongi glares at me. “I’m not quitting,” I roll my eyes. “The university has an online program where I can take all my required classes in an online setting. That way I can be home, where it’s safe, and have time to help you out with Bangtan. It’s a win-win for everyone.” “You have to admit, she’s pretty much doing that already,” Jimin shrugs. “Might as well make it official to the university.” “We’ll talk about this when it gets closer to deciding what you need to do for the next semester,” Yoongi turns his gaze to Jimin. “Now, what’s going on?” “Hold on,” I lean towards my brother. “We aren’t discussing this later. I have already talked to me advisor to change how I do school. I am taking online classes next semester, and maybe until I graduate. This is my education, you don’t get to decide how I do or don’t do it. Now, Jimin, please, tell us what is wrong?” “There’s nothing wrong,” Jimin pats my knee. “Just some drunk guys that are out in the hall getting ready to brawl, and I thought you’d like to come and teach them a lesson,” he evilly grins at Yoongi. “Just like old times on the playground to the bullies.” Yoongi smirks, and I can see his eyes light up in remembrance, “That sounds like a great way to release some stress.” “Have fun you two,” I giggle, standing up and smoothing out my dress. “Kick some ass for me.” “You aren’t going to come watch,” Jimin winks at me. “Don’t want to see how fucking amazing we are?” “I already know you are,” I pat Jimin’s shoulder. “I have some friends that I would like to catch up with, and I wouldn’t be able to stand by and just watch you two have all the fun.” Yoongi stands up, “You look too pretty to go and get in a fight.” Jimin chuckles, jumping out of his seat. “She’ll fight in anything, so she has other reasons why she doesn’t want to come with us.” I give Jimin a quick look to shut his mouth before he spills anything else. “I’m going to go talk to Sooyoung, my best friend. We have to get back to planning our wedding,” I lightly cross my arms over my stomach. “If Yoongi won’t let me date a boy from the mansion, I’ll date her.” “I doubt she’s moved on from the assassin,” Yoongi walks over to me. “Nice try though, as you’d get my blessing.” “Just go,” I shove the two boys. “That fight isn’t going to wait forever.” Yoongi and Jimin nod before rushing off to go show some idiots that you don’t fight in the Min Mansion. I take a deep breath, turning to face the center of the ballroom. All night there has been music playing, but only the young people have taken the opportunity to dance in the center of the room. If only I could find the one person that I have been wanting to see all day. Then we could slow dance in the crowd of people without the worry of Yoongi seeing us. “Hello babe,” Taehyung’s voice shocks me out of my search for him. “You are looking very sexy this evening. It’s been hard waiting for a chance to come talk to you.” I spin on my heel to see my boyfriend with a loving smile on his face. “How do you think I’ve felt waiting to stop talking to all these people when my boyfriend is off to the side looking so hot?” I grin, reaching out to grab his hand. Up close, Taehyung looks even better dressed up as vampire. The fake fangs look to have been professionally made to fit his mouth, and the small amount of faux dried blood around his mouth is subtle enough to look good. It’s clear that he’s wearing a bit of black eyeshadow to give him age, but it’s the red contact lenses that give him the demonic look. His natural brown hair is slightly messy, and the black clothes with the cape complete the look. “That’s what we get when we can’t tell someone’s brother,” he chuckles, leaning down to kiss the top of my forehead. “How about we go out and slow dance, huh? I’ve been imaging dancing with you all night, and I don’t think I can wait any longer.” “Let’s go then,” I pull Taehyung towards the dance floor. It takes us a couple of minutes to maneuver our way into the center, but it is worth it to dance with my boyfriend. “You sure like keeping an eye on me, don’t you?” I have my arms around his neck, giving me access to mess with the hair at the nape of his neck. For once I am happy that I decided to wear shoes with a decent heel. “Yet, every time I spotted you, you were deep in conversation.” “I can keep a good eye on you without staring at you,” Taehyung has his hands firmly on my hips. “It’s my job to watch you, so I guess you could say I enjoy it.” “It was so annoying when all the young guys would come up to talk to Yoongi and me, and how blatantly they would flirt with me,” I roll my eyes. “That’s something I will not miss once we can go public. I only want to be with you.” “I saw that last guy you were with,” he pulls me closer. “The son of your old doctor. He had this look in his eyes. He likes you, but there was something else.” “Reo,” I feel the name make my stomach clench with anxiety. “He was nice, but just gave me a weird vibe. Like he thinks he should be treating me like we’ve been friends for years, but I just met him.” “It made me so angry that I couldn’t step in and get him to go away,” he rests his forehead on mine. “You’re my babe. My one and only. No one will be with you like I am.” “Tae,” I look up at him through my eyelashes. “Did you hear the conversation I had with Boram and Sooyoung?” My cheeks are burning as I ask the question. “I did,” Taehyung takes in a slow breath. “Even though I knew that you probably didn’t want me to, I couldn’t mute the microphones.” “It’s fine,” I pull my head away, so I have a clear look at his face. “I think that I wanted you to hear more than I hoped you wouldn’t. They would have teased me endlessly whatever I said.” “Did you mean it, though?” Taehyung has become quite serious in the past few moments. “Do you really feel that strongly about me?” I tenderly smiles, “The more I have gotten to know you, the more my feelings for you have grown. I’m so happy that you have entered my life, Taehyungie. You’ve helped me with so much.” “But do you love me?” Taehyung is staring into me with an intensity that I don’t think I have ever had to face. “Areum, I have been watching you for years, and I never thought this day would come where I would be able to hold you in my arms. To cuddle with you. To help you through problems. To have the chance to kiss you. I have been so helplessly in love with you for a long time, and I know that sounds so cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. I held it together for so long because I didn’t want you to think I was weird and push me away. I was so afraid of losing you and making your brother mad that I had even talked to you. But damn it, I don’t give a fuck anymore. I am in love with you, Areum.” I feel a few tears sliding down my cheeks, and my mouth has fallen open slightly. “Tae, I…” “Oh babe, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Taehyung’s face is filled with concern as he wipes the tears off my face. “I’m just done lying to myself, and especially to you.” “They are happy tears,” I giggle as a few more tears escape and fall down my face. “I’ve only ever loved a handful of people in my entire life. They have always been like family to me, but you are different. I never knew if I would be able to love another human being like the way my parents loved each other after my heart was broken for the first time. Until I met you,” I chuckle as the tears keep on flowing. “Damn it, I don’t want to cry. I’m just so happy because I love you too, Taehyung. I love you, and this is just the beginning.” “Take a deep breath babe,” Taehyung shows off his boxy smile as he dries my face with his thumb. “I don’t like seeing you cry, even if this is a happy cry.” I focus on my breathing, so the tears stop flowing down my cheeks. This is not anywhere close to how I imagined this scene happening. After a few moments, I have calmed down and dried my cheeks of the tears. “Good, that’s my girl,” Taehyung kisses my forehead. “Now, there’s one more thing I need to tell you.” “You can kiss me, Tae,” I lovingly smile at my boyfriend, pulling my left hand forward to cup his face. “I really want to kiss you.” “It’s not that,” he tucks some loose hair behind my ear. “I mean, I really want to kiss you, but there’s something important I need to tell you.” “What is it?” I tilt my head to the side in curiosity. “You keep on saying how close you’ve felt to me since that day at the viewing. How you feel like you’ve known me for a lot longer than the few months we’ve been together. Well, I can explain why you feel that way,” he takes a deep breath, slowly releasing it as if to think over his next few words. “We did know each other years ago, right before your mother was murdered. I’m scattered all over your therapist files, so he took your memory of me. All the days we spent together as kids. All the days we spent getting closer and closer. He made you talk about it all, and took me from you. I don’t know why,” he shakes his head. I open my mouth, but I can’t think of a single word to tell the boy that I love so much. Then, like a crash of thunder, I feel my brain release the floodgates on a section of my memories.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And that is the lucky chapter 13 (I love how Halloween fell on this chapter). Anyways, I am so sorry that it took so long to get this chapter out. A lot of things happened in my life, but I am going to try to be better from now on! Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading! And I’d love to hear what you thought.

[tifarobles]

Goals for 2019!

Happy New Year! Before I dive into the list of my resolutions for the year, I’d like to take a moment to do some reflecting. I’m not where I expected to be in 2019. As scary as that feels, I am so excited for the possibilities that the new year has for me and peer hopefully into where I will be in 2020. 

2018 was full of lots of unexpected changes. Some intentional and many not. Due to where we are and what we have planned, 2019 is bound to be another year with lots of transitions.  

2019 could be a really difficult year for us. We aren’t starting from a great place, both essentially jobless, limping into the year both as freelancers. That being said, this will likely be one of the most memorable years of my life. I am launching a Kickstarter in less than 2 months from now. That is happening and decides the fate of my novel, how and when it will get published, and if I can afford to do more with it like attend conventions with my own booth, etc. This is a big leap of faith for me, but I’m thrilled to jump into the unknown this time.

I’m tenacious. I haven’t always had the easiest path in life. I grew up in poverty in a town where I didn’t belong. I’ve had my fair share of health issues. But I’ve always managed to make the best out of what I have. So far, I have approached life attempting to always be grateful and appreciative for what I do have. This isn’t always easy and I don’t always succeed, but when I do, I realize that my life is amazing. I embrace how blessed I am to have so many loved ones and incredible people in my life who truly care about me and push me to be my best self. I know that with my family and friends by my side, I can get through anything. No matter what happens, I have a wonderful partner and the most perfect child. 

With all that being said, I do have some ambitious goals for the year, including a couple that I didn’t get to last year.

2018 Goals: Here is a quick review of the goals I had for 2018 and where I currently am on meeting them:

1) Final revisions to my novel and finally getting it self-published. 

I didn’t expect to quit my job to do this, but I totally did. It isn’t published yet, but it should be by 2020.

2) Cook more and learn to cook some cool things.

Thanks to Imperfect Produce, this definitely happened! A LOT!  

3) Officially make The Lady Planeswalkers Society a non-profit organization.

This took a rather unexpected turn of events and I have now resigned as the organizer for the group to focus on other areas of myself and my career goals. 

4) Audition for at least one singing competition.

Didn’t get around to this last year, I intend to follow through this year. 

5) Learn to cut a steak (and bread) with a knife without feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think I achieved this? Progress was made at the very least. 

6) Clear out and set up our garage. 

This is embarrassing. I don’t know that we even spent one day on the garage in 2018... we intend to fix that, and soon. 

2019 Goals! 

1) Publish my novel, Azullucent!

Sorry to restate the obvious, but this is my number 1 goal of the year. Kickstarter failure or not, I plan to find a way. It will just be a lot easier and more successful if I can get some funding help.  

2) Write 1-3 Blog Posts per Week

I really want this to say 2 blog posts per week, but being realistic I want to at least make sure that I don’t miss a week. I also have no idea if or when I might start working fulltime again. Writing a blog post every day in November taught me a lot (something I intend to write about soon) and helped prepare me to blog more regularly. 

3) Read More Books

This is a complicated goal for me, and one I’m a little ashamed of given how few books I have read since college. As a writer, I believe it is crucial that I read to become better. However, I have dyslexia and reading can be quite challenging. I am a very slow reader and often have to reread paragraphs multiple times to understand them. I like reading, but it isn’t something that I often do for fun or to relax, simply because it’s hard to find a book that feels relaxing and fun to read. I have a huge backlog of books that are on my to do list and I hope to make a significant dent in them this year. My hope is to read at least 1 book per month. This might sound like a small number, but I am intimidated by the concept so I want to start small and allow myself room to grow. 

4) Rerun: Audition for at least one singing competition.

5) Rerun: Clear out and set up our garage. 

General Goals:

In a more general view of what I want for the new year, I hope to continue budgeting time for all of the things I view as important. This includes self-care, finances, and relationships. 2018 was filled with figuring out how to budget my time for my own mental health and I am very impressed with how far I’ve come.

Of course, I want to continue spending quality time with my son and my husband, but I also want to continue to find time for myself and time out with friends. My family is always my number one priority, so that isn’t really related to 2019 goals specifically. I hope to continue seeing my parents regularly, keep teaching Xander about his family, and maintain monthly date nights with Mike. 

Getting in touch with myself in 2018, I found more than ever that my extrovert nature requires socializing to feel fulfilled. There was a big shift in this realization when I stopped working in an office beside other people 40+ hours per week. I was surprised to find that I actually love time to myself, a very new feeling, and carve out time for me almost every night. On top of that, I’ve been getting out with friends on my own more often after Xander’s bedtime and find that this has been huge for my self-esteem and identity. I’m very lucky to have a strong network of empowering women to hang out with. For this, I guess I want more of the same and I hope that if I end up working a fulltime job that I can continue to fill all these buckets to a happy level. 

Lastly, I hope to keep the house clean more often than not (something that also improved when I started freelancing).  

If you are interested in my gaming goals for the year, you can read about that tomorrow on tabletop-test.com! 

I really hope that 2019 is a kind year to my family. The last couple of years have been rough and we could use some brightness. 

I’d love to hear your goals for the year! I hope 2019 is good for you as well. 

[daggerzine]

The Vulgar Boatmen interview- Dale Lawrence talks shop.

I had been thinking about sending some questions Dale Lawrence’s way ever since I’d heard the 2015 reissue of the band’s 1989 debut, You and Your Sister (reissued on Time Change Records out of Indianapolis). The band had formed in the late 80’s by two friends (well, sort of....see below) , Lawrence (who was based in Indiana ) and Robert Ray (who was based in Florida).  Back then they did it the old fashioned way, by mailing cassettes back and forth (the only way) and that seemed to work just fine. It had been years since I’d heard that debut and the reissue reminded me of how great (and underappreciated) the band was. You’ll hear elements of The Feelies (those jangly guitars and even in the rhythms, too) but also other classic bands like the Velvet Underground and even the Everly Brothers on certain cuts. Their sophomore effort, 1992’s Please Panic was just as good (maybe better) and I never heard 1995’s Opposite Sex (I hope to change that very soon…both recently reissued, see below) and then the band broke up.  If you’ve never heard the band’s music and have read this far then by all means do check them out, you won’t be sorry as their songs are truly excellent. Pop music with hooks and plenty of smarts. A month or so ago I sent some questions to Dale and he was more than happy to elaborate on my queries. Read on and when you have some time play “Drive Somewhere” at top volume today!

Robert and Dale, the early years. 

Where were you born/where did you grow up?         

I was born in Valparaiso, Indiana, and grew up one county over, on a farm outside a town called Hanna, an hour or so from Chicago.

 Was your family musical or at least supportive of your musical pursuits?    

Neither of my parents were especially musically inclined but I did grow up surrounded (and fascinated) by records. And my parents at least never tried to discourage my musical ambitions.

 What was your first band you ever saw live?    

I  was very lucky -- Neil Young, the 1973 Stray Gators tour (which resulted in Time Fades Away).

 What was your initial entry into the world of independent/punk/other music? (I know you were in The Gizmos…..that might need to be a whole other interview!!).      

My rock ‘n’ roll life began when I was nine years old and suddenly noticed Top 40 radio on the bus ride home from school: WLS, out of Chicago, 1965, a very good year for radio. (Again, lucky.) By 1976/77, I was in college and listening to the usual suspects, Modern Lovers, Television, Ramones. But hearing the Sex Pistols in the fall of ’77 was really the big corner. It hit me like nothing else before or since, made the world seem like a wholly different place. The sound of those records, the sound of Johnny Rotten’s voice, sounded exactly how frustrating it felt to be alive just then. And it made me want to be in a band, an old ambition I’d largely abandoned as a pipedream. Within weeks, I'd answer an ad and join the Ted Neimeic Gizmos on rhythm guitar.

 Ready to rock.

What were the beginnings of the Vulgar Boatmen?

The Boatmen actually began in Gainesville, Florida, a couple years before either Robert or I were involved. At that time it was a very different band, different aesthetic, different set of musicians (oddly enough, a situation pretty similar to the two different versions of Gizmos). Robert was friends with some of the band members and eventually joined, initially as rhythm guitarist. When the main songwriter, Walter Salas-Humara, left to form the Silos in New York, the Boatmen needed new material and started doing some of the songs I’d written in the Gizmos. Robert changed some lyrics, added a bridge or two – these were our first “collaborations.” I was in Indianapolis at that time, leading a band called Right to Left. It was then that Robert and I started collaborating in earnest, sending song ideas back and forth thru the mail.

 Where did the band name come from?                                                                            

The name was already in place when Robert and I got involved. It’s basically a third-graders pun on “The Volga Boatman,” a beginners piano piece. To the extent it doesn’t sound like we’re taking ourselves too seriously, I always liked the name. But we probably would have been smart to try to come up with something more fitting.

 Were you and Robert always based in separate states or was there ever a time that you lived near each other?                                                                                                                        

There were a couple years when we both lived in Bloomington, while he was a grad student and I was an undergrad at Indiana University. We met, weirdly enough, in a class on song lyrics. Robert was the AI and when he mentioned in class that he’d seen Elvis perform in Memphis, pre-RCA, I immediately scheduled office hours with him and we’ve been great friends ever since. Neither of us were in bands at that time, though I'd be in the Gizmos within a few months. We didn’t start writing together until years later.

 What do you remember most about working on the songs that would become You and Your Sister?                                                                                                                           

In terms of writing the songs, I remember consciously trying to use as few chords as possible (a lot fewer than I'd typically employed in Gizmos songs) -- and in particular, concentrating on the I and IV chords, a movement I could hear at the heart of so much music I loved, from the Soul Stirrers to "Road Runner." Also, I remember that having a fulltime songwriting partner was a distinct luxury: two sets of ears to hear rhythmic settings, better odds of finding the right lyrics.

 Recording-wise, the album was done at Robert’s house, on an 8-track machine, so I remember hanging out there in Gainesville for weeks at a time. The relaxed schedule that arrangement afforded us might in hindsight be the most important element in the recording process. We could afford not to rush anything. If a vocal or a tempo or a guitar sound wasn’t quite there, we knew we had plenty of time to get it right. I especially remember obsessing over snare-drum sounds. One we were especially happy with was on “Mary Jane” – except that when we tried recording a lead vocal, we discovered that most of what we liked about the snare sound was actually on the scratch vocal track. So that scratch vocal ended up being the actual vocal.

 The classic album!

Did you tour much for the record? Ever make it overseas?                             

We did tour quite a bit for that album, several swings through the south and the east coast, once to the west coast. We did not make it overseas until the second and third albums, when we played Germany, Austria, and England.

 At the time of You and Your Sister were you working regular jobs?               

I was working for a local record store, traveling on weekends to collectors conventions, hawking bootleg videos – already a bit like touring. Robert had a full-fledged career, teaching at the University of Florida.

 Was it basically the same lineup for 1992’s Please Panic?                          

Well, yes and no. Both albums were recorded by a combination of musicians from both the Gainesville and Indianapolis lineups. (So, for example, there are four different drummers on Sister.) The Indiana musicians used on the second album are mostly different than the ones who had contributed on the first, the Florida musicians were pretty much the same. One difference on the second album is that we had access to studio pro J.D. Foster, who is the main bass player on Please Panic.

 The other classic album!

How did the band end…..or did it not?                                                                                    The end for us came, as for many indie bands, when we signed with a major, Warners/EastWest, out of London. We finally had a bit of a budget to make a record and, at first, major promotional assistance. But a shakeup at Elektra resulted in Opposite Sex never seeing a US release, which was pretty much the end of the road. Our pending booking deal with Monterey Peninsula fell through and we were dropped almost immediately by the UK label as well. The band has never officially broken up, but it has become very much a part-time thing. The Indianapolis outfit plays out a handful of times every year.

 I noticed that you still play live these days. Is it under your own name or the Vulgar Boatmen?

The Vulgar Boatmen.

 What are your top 10 desert island discs?                                                         Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Louis Armstrong.

Never Mind the Bollocks Here’s the Sex Pistols.

The Complete Buddy Holly.

A Hard Day’s Night (or any of their first five albums), the Beatles.

Stranded (or Siren or Country Life), Roxy Music.

Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Rodgers and Hart Songbook.

The Sun Sessions, Elvis Presley.

Call Me, Al Green.

Astral Weeks, Van Morrison.

Bo Diddley (or The Duke at Fargo or The Definitive Otis Redding or...).

 Some of your current favorite bands/musicians?                                                                

I listen to way more older music than current stuff, always finding records I hadn't known about before. Right now, I’m listening a lot to Jimmy Reed. Thelonious Monk has been a constant on my stereo in recent years. Two current bands I love are Terakaft and Sufjan Stevens.

 A recent pic of the band. 

Final words? Closing comments? Anything you want to add that I didn’t ask?

I guess I can plug some rereleases that are about to happen. The first three Boatmen albums are being reissued on vinyl, by Play Loud! Records, out of Berlin. As with the Sister CD, Please Panic has been completely remastered. It will be the first time that Opposite Sex has ever been out on vinyl.

 Thanks so much for doing this!

 Relevant links below!

www.facebook.com/airportdecisionsinc/

 www.timechangerecords.com

 www.playloud.org

 Their 1995 album. 

  Such a classic!

[dxlxntwxnz]

Not Myself Without You (E.D)

Requested prompt: “Stop looking at me like I’m your everything.”

“I just don’t love you anymore, Y/N,” Ethan said, me standing outside his front door. “Please, just stop coming over. Stop texting me. Stop calling me. I can’t do this anymore.”

I ran my hands through my hair. “Ethan, what do you mean? We literally just looked at apartments in New York together? You couldn’t have told me that you were out before this? Before now? We were supposed to meet with the realtor today together to sign the rental agreement on the place we chose together. You and I. We chose to make this a thing, to make us a thing. I can’t believe you would do this to me…”

He just continued to stare blankly at me, jaw clenching and unclenching. “Stop looking at me like I’m your everything. You have other things going on. You’re gonna be just fucking fine without me. We don’t need each other anymore.”

That was it. That was enough. “You know what, Ethan Dolan? Fuck you. You don’t’ know how I feel. You don’t get to tell me how I’m gonna be. Fuck you and the fact that I ever fell in love with you. I never want to see you again.” I said before storming off. Fuck Ethan. Fuck love.

I got into my car, driving away as fast as possible. Looking at him like he’s my everything? What the hell kind of egotistical person would say that? Who did he think he was? We were not codependent. We just were evolving like any serious relationship would. Both of us had opportunities in New York that we couldn’t pass up on and this seemed like a great time for us to follow our dreams and luckily enough also get to move in together.

He was going to work on the set of some upcoming, underground Netflix show and I was ready to finally break out into journalism as an intern. Yeah, not much of a breakout but at this point, I couldn’t pass up on it.

I couldn’t believe he would leave me like this, especially now that I had to deal with this New York issue all on my own. I was too angry to make a reasonable phone call to the realtor but he left me with this and so I called her, trying to hold back my tears as my anger shifted to sadness. Ethan Dolan had broke me. Ethan Dolan did what he promised he never would do. Ethan Dolan stole my heart and made sure he shattered it in the most him way possible. He knew what he was saying, and he knew that the timing was bad.

Finally, I was home. Finally, I could crawl into bed and hide. Hide until my heart was numb and I couldn’t feel anymore. Hide until Ethan didn’t exist to me. Hide until I was myself again.

 A year had passed since that day. I had moved to a new apartment in New York. An apartment for one that wasn’t nearly as nice as the one E and I had found together, but that’s what happens when your budget gets cut in half I guess. I actually didn’t think about him much anymore. My internship turned into a fulltime job and I had made a decent number of friends in New York, even had a new boyfriend at one point. It didn’t last long but he made me happy while it lasted.

It took one year since we had broken up for me to see Ethan again.

We were both in the same, dark and dingy bar. I couldn’t believe it. I almost forgot how he looked, having used a lot of self-control to avoid checking on his social media pages for this long. I say almost forgot because I obviously recognized him immediately. His aura almost drawing me to him. It was like my soul needed him. Like something about me couldn’t let him go. Was that why my last relationship didn’t last? Probably, but I didn’t want to admit that to anyone. Not even myself.

I watched him from afar, sipping my whiskey slowly. Trying to read this whole situation. What was he doing here? Who was he with? Why did he have to look so damn good? I needed to leave. I couldn’t be here any longer without doing anything stupid, and staring at him from across the bar was already a bit too much for me.

As I spun around in my stool, ready to leave, Grayson appeared in front of me.

“Y/N? Oh my god is that you?” he said, jaw dropped.

I downed the rest of my drink quickly before getting up and walking to great him. “Grayson, wow it feels like it’s been forever! I would love to catch up but I was just leaving…” I said, trying to escape this as quickly as possible.

As I went to squeeze past him, my hand placed on his bicep, he grabbed my hand. “Y/N, you should come see Ethan. He’s here tonight and I’m sure he’d love to see you. Please just wait here?”

I nodded hesitantly, causing Grayson to smile. He put up his index finger, signaling for me to wait a minute while he went to go get Ethan before turning away to go find his twin. I couldn’t wait for him. I really didn’t want to see Ethan ever again, I meant that when I said it a year ago. I still felt that way now. I turned to head out the door, pushing my way through the sweaty crowd until I made it to the door of the bar but not without turning back one time before exiting.

I instantly regretted taking that look back, meeting Ethan’s sad eyes when I did. He called out to me, I couldn’t hear him over the music but I could read his lips and I knew that if I didn’t turn and leave immediately I would never be able to turn away from him ever again.

I shoved the door open, walking as fast as possible to get away from Ethan without running. I was wearing black leather boots with stiletto heels, which I had learned how to walk in but I was regretting wearing them now that I had to speed walk faster than I ever had in any type of shoes. If only they didn’t look so good with my black leather jacket, blue skinny jeans, and black and white striped shirt. Damn me for trying look nice.

I was just about to turn the corner when I heard someone call my name. I knew that voice anywhere. It was Ethan. It was him and I was not gonna stop for him. I refused to give him any of my time ever again. My apartment was close to here, I always went to that bar because of its convenient proximity to my apartment. Now I guess I couldn’t go there again.

The footsteps behind me got faster and louder. “Y/N, please.” He said, still a distance away from me. That distance didn’t last for long enough, seeing as he was suddenly holding onto my hand and turning me to face him.

“Y/N. I just want to talk to you. Please, hear me out.” He begged. I refused to look him in the eye, but I didn’t move so he continued. “Y/N, I haven’t had a day where you weren’t on my mind since the day I broke up with you. I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to break your heart the way I did but I had to. I couldn’t hold you back when you had such a great opportunity ahead of you.”

I finally looked up at him, meeting his soft eyes. “What do you mean you couldn’t hold me back? Ethan, we were supposed to move here together and we had everything set up.”

“I, uh, don’t know how to admit this… I didn’t get that job. At the last second, they told me that they chose to go with someone else, someone with more experience in the backstage portion of film. I couldn’t have been able to afford my half of the rent, and I knew that if I told you I couldn’t go to New York that you never would have left. You had so much undiscovered talent. I couldn’t be the reason stayed back. New York was ready for you, and I couldn’t make you doubt that you were New York too.”

I tried to blink back tears, my emotions beginning to boil over. “E, you wouldn’t have been holding me back. We were a team. I loved you, I would have been fine if we moved into the smallest apartment in the city just so that we could have been together. You just threw that away.”

He frowned, wiping a tear that rolled down my cheek. “I don’t think I could say sorry enough times, I just don’t know how to prove it to you…”

“Ethan, stop that. Stop looking at me like I’m your everything.” I said, trying to regain my composure.

“I can’t Y/N, I just can’t. I’ve been trying for a year now. You are my everything. I love you, I’ll never stop loving you. I wasn’t myself when you were away and now I’ve finally found you and I don’t think I can ever let you go again.”

I couldn’t help it; I reached around Ethan and hugged him, leaning my head on his chest. Suddenly I realized that Ethan and I were both crying, grasping at each other in the middle of a street in New York.

Pulling away, I looked up at him, the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’ve missed you, Ethan Dolan. I never stopped loving you, no matter how hard I tried.” I closed my eyes and stood on my tip toes, reaching up to meet his lips. This kiss gave me the feeling I had been missing ever since he left. My body was no longer numb, starting from my lips to my fingertips. I thought I was myself again when I had finally gotten over the breakup, but I guess I wasn’t truly myself without the person who stole my heart and that person was Ethan Dolan. Someone I would never let get away from me again.

[gjr1086]

Sometimes the hero needs saving...

So i don't really post much unless i have me feels going. But i think it's time u guys kno my story..

Since I was a kid my brother n my dad would always fight. I've seen my dad slam my brother through a wall when i was 14 n felt helpless... both of them are big guys with short fuses n thick skulls..

Throughout my teens i was picked on n bullied cause of my eczema (sever constant dry skin. Almost like having a heat rash n sunburn at the sme time). I wasn't popular but i made my own rep n was able to make friends easily. However, being so nice gets u taken advantage of.

I had a lot of messed up n abusive relationships to the point that being treated like a worthless piece of wasted skin. As hard to say all this it's time for me to let go of these heavy weight that I've been carrying around all my life.

When i got pregnant in 2008 my ex husband would cheat on me with random females (some from craigslist). The stress before n during my pregnancy landed me in the OR to have an emergency c-section cause my daughter's heart rate kept dropping (i wanted to have her naturally but my body only dialated 3-5cm. I spent the next 5 days in the hospital trying to learn how to walk n take a piss on my own with out having an accident. When we got home my ex husband tells me that with the complecations during surgery the doctor gave him a choice on who to save in the event that we both start crashing. He tells him to save his wife cause we can always make another baby.

After that he just kept abusing me mentally n emotionally by staying out at outrageous hours saying he has to work (as an electrician who's hours of operation end at 5pm. He leaves at 6am n cames home at 2am the next morning). I had enough n snapped on him tue daybafter my daughter's first Christmas. My mom took the baby out of the room so i could sleep n my ex runs his mouth about my mom invading our room n messing with the baby. (Mind u i am still pretty raw from having my daughter less then a month before). Idk what came over me but when he turned his bck to me in the middle of the conversation i saw red n pulled him back saying "don't turn ur fucking back on me again n look at me when i am talking to u" he seemed like he was gonna swing n i would have let him just to fuel my rage more.. something took over me n i fractured 3 or his ribs, gave him a black eye and a busted lip.. we split for bout 3 weeks but he would "try" to see the baby n ended up saying that he wanted to come home. But that didn't last long. We separated about a month later n he hasn't seen his daughter since she was 4 months old..

After that all my relationship were extremely difficult on both ends cause i seem to be attracting n am attracted to ppl as broken as I was.. thinking I could save them.. when really i needed to he saved. I was told by my over 5 yr ex that fairytales don't exsist n started believing that there will never be a happy ending for me..

In 2014 my mom, dad, daughter n i moved into a house with my brother, his wife n 2 bots who came from the Philippines. Here i was thinking it was to bring the family closer but i soon came to realize it was so that we could take care of his family while he was out at sea. Big mistake cause when he was home all he did was fight n argue with my dad. My dad started getting obsessed with his plants n gardening that he watered our big ass back yard n the front garden area for almost 3 hrs a day n running up the water bill. Then shit knocked us out one by one.

Feb 2015: daughter get pneumonia n had to he admitted to the hospital for 5 days with round the clock meds.

April 2015: my dad had a mild heart attack n heat stroke from being out with his plants n not resting nor taking his meds for diabetes, high blood, hypertension, n more.

May 2015: i slipped n fell at work messing up my right knee n was in a wheelchair for 3 months n crutches in between.

June 2015: i went back to work after my injury n the same day my mom had a massive stroke leaving her paralyzed on her whole right side, damaging the entire left side of her brain n compromising her speech.

I ended up quitting my job n staying home to care for her fulltime (but only got paid for business hours). Regardless of the pay i did it for her to not suffer alone in a damn nursing home like my grandmother. Little by little things changed but not for the good.

July 2015: my dad has a melt down n acted as if he ws going to hirt someone or himself. So i told my sister in le to take the kids upstairs n lock the door while me n my 5+ ur bf took care of the situation. My brother was on the phone with me during this n told me to call the cops. My dad acted like nothing was wrong n the cops said that cant take hime because basically nothing bad happened yet... smh.

I took my sister n the kids to my aunts for the weekend while my mom was still in the hospital to let things cool off in the house n family n friends were telling me that he may need mental help.. as much as i didn't want to betray my dad i had to do what was best n he agreed to do a psych evaluation. The things that cam out of his mouth was soo cold n morbid that it broke my heart knowing that he saw demon faces on his own family's faces...

He was admitted for 72 hrs but was sent back on another incident. (I kno I'm missing a lot in between but I'm just letting my fingers do the talking for me). He was evicted n homless living in his van for 2 yrs until my brother had the bright idea to sell the house n basically made it to ever man for themselves. He did me a "generous" favor of letting me n my 3 friends rent the house as tenants.

March 26th, 2017: my mom passed away the morning after I broke things off with my 5+ yr ex. I guess she was waiting for me to do that to let her kno that I ws ready to let her go.....

April 2015: I met my recent bf (who is now ... idk not apart of my life anymore i suppose) who was basically cheating on me while he was living with me because he got fed up of my trust n insecurity issues n literallysaid "fuck it.."

Before this crap with my dude, my daughter's god father (who is also my ex) got jealous n broke his lease agreement to move to Maryland. N my so called sister (my god daughter's mom) fucked me over as well by taking advantage of my generosity n kindness to get her n my god daughter off the street n in an actual home. I tried to give her another chance to be a good mom but took too much advantage of everyone. Those two got everyone evicted n not only was my dad homeless but me, my daughter n my bf for 4 months (it may not seem long but when u are going through it.. that seems like a lifetime). In that time I learned that my bf was talking inappropriately to other females n that door that was keeping the demons locked up had broken down n won't close. I ended up swinging at him on 3 different occassions n started cutting, ripping at flesh or smoking my life away slowly since.

Friday, Aug 13, 2018 we were blessed with a new home but it doesn't feel like it just yet. Stuff isn't fully unpacked cause finances are low to get a uhaul n lack of man power is making the process longer. Since the crap with my dude happened i guess he got tired of me bitching about his neglect n abuse towards me cause he really feels like he didn't do anything wrong..

It's ok.. i always turn into the bad guy when all i did was put in all my time n effort just to have it thrown back in my face...

So I'm just sitting here feeling worthless.. n wondering what the fuck to do now... i'm just soo lost... i just wana sleep n never wake up again...

[comeliashawnae]

“I get it,” Linda said. “I thought me and my college sweetheart were gonna get married. It took me longer then I wanna admit to get over him. But I eventually did. I’m 33 years old and I’m living the best of my life without him and for a long time I didn’t think I ever would.”

“It’s not that,” I said. “I mean it sorta is. Girl, I don’t know. It all seems like so much. I think I’m just overreacting.”

“But you said he grabbed your hand,” Linda stated.

“He did,” I said. “But come on. Look at him and look at me. He’s not attracted to me. He couldn’t be.”

“Girl,” Linda huffed. “If I ever see yo ex I’m giving him the ass whooping you should’ve let yo brother handle.”

I just stared at her. Benson never downed me but never built me up too much either.

 “I really wish that dude was not your first.” She said.

“Well he wasn’t my very first,” I said softly.

“What?”

Oh crap, she heard me.

“Nothing,” I said. “It was a long time ago, just forget it.”

“Bitch,” Linda said in a huff. I smiled and looked at her. “Talk.”

“It was my senior prom,” I said with a sigh.

“Of course it was.” She said with a smile.

“Yeah. My date and I had a great time,” I said. “But the kicker, he and his girlfriend, since freshman year, had broken up like a month beforehand. And before you say anything no, I wasn’t his rebound, nor did I feel like one. He and I had always been friends and it was senior year. You only get that once.”

“Ok,” she said.

“It was right before the last song.” I continued, “And I noticed throughout the night that they kept stealing glances at each other. So I pulled him aside and asked who saw himself coming to our 10-year reunion with. He just smiled and kissed my cheek and walked to her.”

“You weren’t upset?” Linda asked.

“At true love?” I responded. “Of course not, and FYI they are still together with 3 kids. They’re happily married and still won the cutest couple at our reunion last year. I’m happy for them.”

“But after you guys made out, I feel like I’m missing something,” Linda said.

“We were at a very expensive hotel so a few people got together and rented a couple of rooms at another hotel about 4 blocks away. After the last song my date came back and asked if I still wanted to hit up the party. At that point, I decided if I’m gonna be dateless I might as well get drunk, right. But I left my purse in the ballroom so I went back inside to get it and there he was.”

“Who?” Linda asked.

“Devan,” I answered with a smile. “He and I were neighbors up until 6th grade until he moved to another neighborhood that caused him to switch Junior High Schools, but it was still the same High School district.”

“So what happened?”

“He had my purse in his hand and jokingly said that all my $2 was still in it. I laughed and told him it was $3 and he owed me. Then he asked what happened with my date and I told him. He felt bad for me and said that I at least deserved a last dance, so he pulled out his phone and started to play music.”

“Really?”

“Yes, girl really,” I said smiling at the memory. “He reached his hand out to me and I took it. The lights were still dim and no one else was there but us.”

“That sounds beautiful,” Linda said.

“It was,” I said. “It’s safe to say he was my first crush. But never did I think he liked me back. We were still dancing when we heard someone call my name. We turned to the entrance and saw my prom date. Devan yelled back, “Aye man, she good,” and waved him off. My date apologized and smiled then disappeared.”

I looked at Linda and saw her smiling at me, I’m sure my smile was just as big.

“That really was a great night,” I said. “Devan asked me did I remember our first school dance. I did, were in 5th grade and he was the first boy I ever danced with. That’s definitely when the crush became real, but I was 11 and too scared to do anything other than dance with him. Then he admitted he was just as nervous back then as kids because he had really wanted to kiss me.”

I took a deep breath reliving the moment.

“My best friend had a crush on me too, but we were kids and too scared to do anything other than dance,” I said with a laugh. “7 years later he finally worked up the courage to make that move.”

I paused thinking of that moment. Devan’s face so close to mine. After all this time, that still made me smile.

“It was 3 weeks before my 18th birthday and I finally got my first kiss,” I admitted. “After he said he wanted to kiss me as kids, he looked at me and smiled when he saw the surprised look on my face. Then without another word, he leaned forward and kissed me.”

Linda just gave another smile and nodded her head for me to continue.

“I don’t know how long we were kissing,” I said. “I just know we were interrupted by the lights coming on and a couple of janitors looking a little flustered when they saw us. We laughed and went to the party. We didn’t stay long, maybe had a couple of shots then left. We stopped and got some burgers then went to the park. There’s a hill that overlooks the city and we just sat on the hood of his car and stared off into the night.”

I smiled more to myself than to Linda. That really was a great night.

“When we finished eating,” I continued. “He grabbed everything, dumped them into a trash can and came back over to me. I was still sitting on his car and kissed me again. He knew he’d given me my first kiss, so he knew not to go outta my comfort zone. But how well can anyone really control teenage hormones?”

“But you said your ex,” Linda started.

“Was the only person I’ve ever had full intercourse with, yes,” I said staring off in memory. “Devan's hands slid up my dress a bit and he stopped kissing to ask if it was ok and once I said yes that’s all he needed. He didn’t go too far, just touched over my stockings, stimulation only. Other things happened later.” I said with a grin. “Devan was the first person to perform oral on me, as he was the first I performed oral on.” I said looking back at Linda. “And that my dear lady, pretty much sums how I spent that summer.”

“So you don’t count that as a relationship?” she asked.

“It never felt right to call Devan my boyfriend,” I answered. “We didn’t make a big deal about it. We never went on real dates. Kinda just hung out and did things. All the benefits with no commitment, plus we knew it wouldn’t last forever, he’d been accepted to Ohio State, while I was accepted to TSU.”

“But you guys could’ve tried,” Linda said.

“I guess we didn’t want that,” I said honestly. “He was my best friend, I cherished that more.”

“Where is he now?” she asked.

“The last time he and I talked was a year ago,” I said. “Online. It was a good conversation though, Benson and I were good at the time and I bragged about that for a bit. He was single at the time. Team No Kids, he told me proudly. He travels a lot for work so he missed the reunion. We hadn’t talked in a few years prior to that. We both just got busy with life, thank goodness for the internet, right.”

“No regrets?” she asked.

“I’ll never regret the best summer of my life,” I said. “Was I sad to see him get on that plane, of course, I was. Was I sad when he couldn’t make it home for the holidays, still yes. But I also understood he had goals he wanted to reach, so did I. I was working two jobs at one point, and going to school fulltime, I didn’t have time for a relationship.”

“Maybe you still don’t,” Linda said. I gave her a curious look. “Maybe what you need is another summer, because the way your face lit up as you were telling me that story you truly wanna make time for something like that again.”

“I was 18, I don’t think I can relive that again,” I said.

“The realization that you had a breakup or just being carefree again?” she asked simply.

“It wasn’t a breakup,” I said defensively because it wasn’t. I loved him, but surely not like I loved a family member. He was my best friend. He’ll always have a place in my heart. Neither one of us tried to put a label on it, we actually never talked about it. We just had fun together, why complicate things?

But this, now, is different, completely different.

“I meant I’m too old for a fling, come on, I’m almost 30,” I said. “A childhood friend and a pro boxer?”

“Says you,” Linda said. “Maybe this time, how bout you not make excuses.”

I started to say something, but she stopped me.

“So your relationship back then wasn’t serious, that’s ok.” She said. “But maybe you don’t need serious. Maybe you just need fun, because you’re right, you’re not 18 anymore, you’re 29 and just got outta your first serious relationship. You definitely don’t want your ex back, but you definitely want something.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t nod or shake my head in agreement or disagreement. Just soaked it all in. Linda wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, that I understood, just left me feeling more confused. I know that wasn’t her intent either.

“Look,” Linda said, “We have the next two days off, let’s go enjoy ourselves tonight.”

“I could really go for a drink,” I said.

“Alright, let me get to my room, check on you in like 30 minutes?” she said climbing off my bed. I climbed off and nodded timidly.

“Or we could order room service and order movies?” she suggested sensing something from me.

“I’d rather be out on a dance floor,” I said truthfully.

“Ok,” she said with a warm smile. “30 minutes?”

“I’ll be ready in 20,” I said heading to the bathroom.

“Cool, I’ll shoot you a text in a few,” she shouted leaving my room.

 

I had just walked out of the shower when my hotel phone rang.

Weird, I thought. Linda would have no reason to call my hotel phone. None of us did. Without thinking twice about it I answered on the third ring.

“Hey, girl I just stepped out the shower, gimmie ten more minutes,” I said.

“Really,” said a man’s voice with a thick accent. “That sounds like a nice visual.”

“Juergen?”

“Yes, how are you?” he said.

“Um..fine,” I said, very shocked. “Was just gonna head out for a bit. Take in the scenery.”

Did I just say that?

“Yes, those passes I gave you guys should hold up for your entire stay here.” He said. “But I was thinking that because you had to leave dinner early last night maybe we could have drinks at my place,”

I heard myself gulp, like a literal gulp. Oh crap. Dinner in public was one thing, but drinks at his house were a whole new level of termination that I could not afford.

“Michela are you still there?” he asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Great,” he said, I’m not sure why. “I’ll send car for you.”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“You said yes for drinks here in my home,” he said.

“No, I meant yes I was still on the phone.” I stammered. “But the other thing…”

“What is problem?” he asked. His voice wasn’t demanding or angry, a little disappointed maybe, but not angry. For some odd reason, I did not want to disappoint this man. Before I could stop myself.

“Yes, I can come,” I said. What the hell?

“Very good,” he said. “The car should be there soon. See you then.”

He hung up before I could get another word in. Oh shit, what did I just do?

A few minutes later there was a knock on my door, I opened to see Linda dressed up and ready to go for a night of bar hopping. When she saw I was still in my robe her look of happiness quickly turned sour.

“Um didn’t you say 20 minutes?” she asked with her hand on her hip.

“Juergen just called me,” I said quietly.

“What?” she said quickly stepping into my room.

“Bitch, yes,” I said slamming the door. “He said that since I had to leave early last night that we should have a do-over with drinks at his place. Bitch I’m so fired.”

“No, you ain’t.” She said, surprisingly calm. “Elaine had to do a quick trip to England, Blake is still at the office, and for all everyone else knows, me and you are hitting the town tonight.”

“Linda,” I started.

“Michela,” she said. “Juergen Yugo asked you to his house for drinks, how many times can you say that happened to you?”

“I’m not exactly gonna scream it from the rooftops,” I said sarcastically.

“Exactly,” she said. “He has a reputation, and you have a job. The last thing he needs media distraction and he knows you’re not gonna break any secret between you two if that means losing your job.”

“So he’s blackmailing me?” I asked and began biting my thumbnail, a nervous habit I’ve never seemed to outgrow.

“He likes you and he doesn’t want a million people in his business.” She said simply. “Michela, come on now girl. No, you’re not 18 anymore, but tell me, truthfully, how are you feeling?”

I stared at her with my nail still in my mouth. I didn’t answer immediately. A swarm of emotions came over me and voice that sounded like mine said “Excited.”

Wait that was my voice.

I pulled my thumb out of my mouth and threw my hands to my side and looked Linda in her face.

“I’m excited,” I said. “And nervous, what the hell does he want with me?”

“Go there and find out,” Linda said with a smile. She then headed to my closet and rumbled around before turning back to me with a black lace shirt in her hand. “But first, put this on.”