#ever since i brought in a doctors note to try and get accommodated for my scoliosis theyve been so passive aggressive :[

[cosmicaces]

hi, not only have my hours been cut, but i missed some work due to having the flu and management did not put in my pto like i had requested them to. now i am EXTREMELY strapped for cash. my commissions are open but if anyone has anything to spare, any donations are super appreciated ;-;

[chaotic-jjk-fiction]

The Surrogate: Nanami Kento x Reader x Gojo Satoru

Please be warned that this piece is 4.3k words

I am willing to write a part two if you guys like it 

TW: Pregnancy, Artificial insemination, Morning sickness, Surrogacy   

You were tight on money, you couldn’t deny that. Sometimes you had to pick between paying rent and eating, but that was just how it was living in Tokyo. You had just graduated from university last year, and finding work wasn’t easy. One night when you and your friends were hanging out and one of them jokingly brought up the idea of becoming a surrogate to make some money. You all laughed at the idea then, but a few months after that conversation took place you found yourself googling the surrogacy processes and the money that could be made. While surrogacy was not actually illegal in Japan but it was still frowned upon by many, however, this wasn’t going to stop you.   

Now you were filling out your application to become a surrogate mother. You went through all of the agency’s testing and formal legal work and they told you that they would notify you if you were chosen by a family. All you could do now was wait and see. You had almost forgotten about your application when you got an email explaining that you had been selected by a couple and that a meeting needed to be scheduled so that both parties could meet and decide if they wanted to continue. You quickly replied with all of the dates and time that worked for you and internally jumped with joy that things were actually working out, much quicker than you had expected. 

The meeting time was also set quickly and you found yourself growing nervous as the day approached and you had to remind yourself that this was no different from any job interview you had ever done. Finally the day had come and you were headed off to meet the family that you would potentially be carrying a baby for. You dressed in your best clothes and did your hair in a way that you hoped would impress them, you knew that if they were able to afford surrogacy, they were probably of high status. The meeting was at the agency and one of their doctors would be there to explain everything to both parties and help everyone feel comfortable. When you made it to the agency you were escorted into an office type room with a desk and three chairs. Two of them were closer together, and the third was more off to the side and you guessed that one was for you, and the other two were for the couple. You sat down in the chair off to side your hands folded in your lap as you looked around the room. You jumped when you heard the door open and you turned around to see two men enter the room. One man was obviously the doctor and the other one you assumed was the husband in the couple. The doctor went and sat down on the other side of the desk, and you stood up and bowed to the man in a tan suite. He was pretty tall, and you weren't going to lie, he was making you feel a bit intimidated. He bowed back to you. 

“My name is Nanami Kento” he said very formally, “Thank you for meeting with us, and I apologize that my partner is late.” You were a little taken back by how formal he was, but then again it was what you were expecting. 

“My name is y/n'' your voice wavered a bit, “and the pleasure is mine.” You two bowed again, and then he took his seat and you followed. There was an awkward silence in the air and you just tried to focus on your hands which laid in your lap and not the intimidating man sitting in the chair a little ways away from you. Five minutes passed before the door slammed open and you jumped in surprise, whipping your head around to see who had busted in. A man with white hair and sunglasses stood in the doorway. 

“Sit down” Nanami said in a stern voice, “your late Satoru.” The man in the door frame made his way over to the chair next to him and sat down before turning to you, 

“The name’s Gojo Satoru'' he stated and then turned back around to face the doctor. You were a little shocked, but you also turned back to face the doctor. You noted the wedding rings on their hands and you realize that they were the married couple that you would be potentially carrying a baby for. It made sense, obviously they couldn’t have a child together, and it made you hope that this worked out. The doctor soon began his speech on how surrogacy works, explaining  how you would be artificially inseminated with a semen sample that the men provided. You would then be monitored closely throughout your pregnancy and updates would be provided for Nanami and Gojo. They would pay any medical bills that were related to the pregnancy, and how the three of you could work out specific details on which doctor you would see and which hospital you would give birth as you pleased. You just sat there silently nodding every now and again to show that you were listening to what was being said. The thought of actually carrying a baby inside of you for nine months was intimidating, but you really needed the money. After the doctor had finished his part of the meeting he then opened the floor to questions and open discussion. You really didn’t know what to say, and you were glad when Nanami pulled out a notebook and began asking the doctor questions and taking notes. You felt so unprepared compared to them. After he was done interrogating the doctor, he turned to you and you panicked a little about what he was going to ask. 

“Thank you again for meeting us here today” he started off formally “Would you mind if I asked you some questions?” You nodded, 

“Of course not.” He looked down at the page of questions decide which one to ask first, before finally deciding to start with your relationship status. You explained to them that you hadn’t been in a relationship since you were in your first year of university. He went on asking questions about family history and health, and other stuff along that line, you answered every question to best of your ability. You noticed that his husband, Gojo appeared to be antsy and trying not to start bouncing off the walls. You wondered how these two had ended up together. After Nanami had gone through everything he had to written down, he asked you had any questions for them to which you responded, 

“I only have one,” you paused a moment before continuing “What brought you two to deciding that you wanted a child” Nanami looked back at Gojo before looking back to you 

“Well” he started before getting cut off be his husband 

“Because we work with kids all day and seeing them all grow up and mature makes me want to have a kid of my own to help grow and mature” Gojo exclaimed “Plus babies are cute as hell” You couldn’t help but giggle at his last statement, Nanami however just shook his head. 

“Ok” you said “So far I’m feeling good about going through with this. You two seem like a wonderful couple.” Both of them looked at you smiling, and a grin broke out on Gojo’s face. Nanami nodded in a very business like manner, 

“Before we sign any papers” he interrupted “We have a few terms and conditions” you smiled and nodded and he went on

“We would like to be at most, if not all of your ultrasounds” he explained

“I think that’s perfectly reasonable” you chirped 

“We would also like to see your living accommodations, we need to know that our baby is being cared for properly, even before they are born” you paused for a moment before answering. 

“That can be arranged,” you said slowly. And just you were signing the legal papers that set your fate in stone, setting a date to get inseminated, shaking hands with Nanami and Gojo, and then you were on your way back home.    

Your appointment to be inseminated at the clinic was fast approaching and you were a tab bit anxious, but you were also pretty giddy. You were happy that you could give such a sweet couple the baby they wanted. Some time passed, and the next thing you knew you found yourself seated in the procedural chair, your legs in the stirrups watching a doctor pull on gloves before she took the odd syringe with a long thin tube on it and held it up.

“Ok” she said “I need you to try and relax as much as you can and just take a deep breath. '' You did as she said and tried hard not to pay attention to how uncomfortable it was. She slowly injected the liquid, which you knew was sperm through the tube, and you found yourself wondering which man's sperm it was. 

“I’m all done” she informed you as she moved to clean up “We’ll be seeing you in a week to see if an egg fertilized” you nodded as you redressed. Two weeks and few days later you found yourself back in the doctors office with Nanami and Gojo waiting to see if you were pregnant or not. The room was tense as the doctor looked over your blood work in his hands

“Your hCG level is at 21” the doctor stated. All three of you were on the edge of your seats, “Congratulations. You're pregnant” he said looking from the paper up to you. She let out a sigh of relief, you felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest. What you weren't expecting was to suddenly be lifted out of your chair and hugged, the action causing you to let out a squeak of surprise. 

“Put her down Satoru” Nanami commanded. You were then set down so that you were standing on the floor looking up at Gojo who had apparently been the one to pick you up. Nanami stood up and took your hand 

“I’m very glad that this worked out” he said a little stiffly “I look forward to what’s to come for all of us.” You nodded happily with a big smile on your face. He felt a smile tugging at his lips as he looked at your bright eyes and happy expression matching Gojo’s. 

“So, who is you obstetrician?” Nanami asked after the initial excitement had died down. You paused, looking down avoid eye contact

“I don’t have one” you said sheepishly. The two men exchanged glances before looking back at you, your head still down. 

“We can set an appointment up for you with one of our choosing if that’s alright with you” Nanami offered. Gojo quick budded in with

“And we’ll pay for it of course.” You looked back up at them, before you nodded

“That sounds great. Thank you so much”  

“It’s the least we could do” Nanami said with a soft smile on his face “You are carrying our child after all.” Gojo made his way to his husband's side and took his arm and pressed a soft kiss to kiss cheek. It made you happy to see the two of them so happy, you were feeling pretty good about your decision to become their surrogate. Two weeks later they called you to set up your six week ultrasound with a doctor they had picked in Tokyo, that when you looked her up seemed pretty high scale and you were glad you didn’t have to pay. All three of you set a date that would work, with the agreement that after the appointment they would come over to your house and check it out and you agreed. They also asked about how you were feeling so far, you explained to them that so far your breast had been pretty tender, you were definitely bloated, however, you hadn’t had any morning sickness yet. They seemed relieved to hear that you were doing good. You hung up after setting the date for your first ultrasound and the waiting process began again. Two more weeks passed until it was finally the day of your appointment. You had developed morning sickness around the middle of week five and you found it was mostly triggered by certain smells. Your breast, you were pretty sure had also gotten a bit bigger.

 You took the bus to the station closest to where the doctor was before walking the rest of the way to the building. You took a seat in the waiting room after filling out the patient intake form. It was a fancy office, that was for sure. Nanami and Gojo soon walked in and took a seat on either side of you so that you were in the middle of them, you felt so small. A nurse called your name and you stood up and followed her, the two of them close behind you. The room she took you to was pretty big, it had two chairs against one wall, an examination table in the middle of the room, and an ultrasound next to the examination table along with a rolling stool for the doctor. You laid down on the table as a technician put a little blue pee pad type thing on your thighs before pulling down your pants a bit and instructed you to pull up your shirt, which you did. 

“The gel will be cold” she warned you before squirting it onto your belly, it was indeed cold. She took the ultrasound wand and pressed it to your belly before starting to move it round, spreading out the gel. All three of you stared at the monitor with baited breath, and there it was, a fuzzy, little bean looking thing that was your baby. You looked over at Nanami and Gojo who were sitting in the chairs to see Gojo holding his husbands had tightly eyes wide looking at the screen. 

“I’m going to see if we can find the heartbeat now” she informed you. You looked back over to the monitor, watching the little bean. You watched as she moved the wand, and tapped some buttons, trying to capture the little beating heart she pointed out to you. You felt like you wanted to cry. You were actually carrying a tiny precursor to a human being, with its own, functioning, heart. There were a few more less enjoyable parts to your appointment, but you guessed you were going to have to get used to people looking at your “lady parts.” You walked out of the office with Gojo and Nanami at your side, Gojo was holding a file of your ultrasound, along with some pamphlets from the doctor about what to expect in the first trimester.

“Are you ready for us to go to your house?” Nanami turned to you and asked. You froze, you had completely forgotten that you’d agreed to that, you gulped, then nodded 

“I’m ready” you informed them. They led you to a car and Nanami helped you into it, although that really wasn’t necessary in your mind. You were surprised to find that the car had a driver, who was introduced to you as Ijichi Kiyotaka. He asked for your address and you gave it to him, although you felt embarrassed saying it out loud, and the silence in the car wasn’t helping. On the ride to your apartment you were seated in the middle seat, between Gojo and Nanami. About halfway to your house, Gojo opened up the folder and pulled out the sonogram pictures that had been taken, before going on a little rant about how cute they were going to be while looking at the image.   

Before you knew it, the car had pulled up in front of your hole in the wall apartment building and all three of you were getting out and making your way up stairs to your floor. The first thing the two men noticed was that the building didn’t have an elevator, that didn’t seem good as you would most likely have trouble with stairs later in your pregnancy, especially since you lived on the fourth floor. One they made it up to your unit you unlocked the door, but before opening you turned around to face them

“I apologize for any mess in advance” you said and then pushed the door open. All three of you took off your shoes before entering the actual living space. The thing that stood out most to them was how little furniture there was. You had a sofa and a coffee table in the small room, along with a bookshelf and a little rug but nothing else in your living room. The kitchen was practically non-existent. You had a fridge, a microwave, a rice maker, and a small gas stove next to an equally small sink. Nanami looked around skeptically and Gojo headed straight for the fridge, opening to find nothing but a few kinds of convenience store pickles. 

“What do you eat?” he exclaimed, obviously shocked at the lack of food, he then proceeded to go through the few cabinets finding a bag or rice and some instant miso soup mix. He looked at you in shock and you could feel your cheeks turning red with guilt. 

“Is this all you have?” Nanami asked, looking at you. You looked from one to the other, before letting your eyes rest on the floor. 

“Money has been tight recently,” you explained. Both of them looked from you to the other one, they seemed to reach a silent, mutual agreement before Nanami spoke. 

“You do know that this is not an ok environment to be pregnant in, right?” He looked genuinely concerned and it just made you feel so much worse. 

“I know it’s not ideal” you said, “but I can’t afford anything else.” There was a gap of silence until Gojo spoke up, 

“You could stay in our guest room” he exclaimed “we never use it, and it would allow us to keep an even closer eye on you” He was basically jumping up and down about his new idea. 

“I couldn’t” you stammered “I don’t want to impose on your life” Nanami thought for a moment before expressing his opinion. 

“Satoru is right'' he paused, “I would be better for you to stay with us, and it would be better for our peace of mind as well.” You were at a loss for words, could you really take their offer? Was that even an ethical thing to do? 

“Please” Gojo whined putting his face in front of yours. You took a moment before sighing 

“Ok” you said “it still doesn't feel quite right to me” you added. You looked from Gojo to Nanami, waiting to see their reaction. Nanami nodded, 

“I understand. But please do not feel as though you are intruding, we are welcoming you” he reassured. Gojo put his hands on your shoulder and pushed you forward from behind. 

“Go hurry and pack” he beamed, you staggered forward a bit before whipping around to face him. 

“Right now?” you gawked. Gojo just nodded and smiled before ushering you forward again. You looked to Nanami to see what he had to say. 

“I mean there’s no reason to delay your move” he remarked. And so it was decided, you were going to move in with them tonight. You went to your room and pulled out a duffle bag and began to pack the clothes you thought you would want most. Before you went back out to them, you also packed your favorite pillow and blanket, along with your toiletries. You made your way out back to the living room where they were still just standing in the middle of the room. Nanami took the bag, and Gojo took your arm, and you all walked back down to the car. Nanami placed your bag in the trunk and got into the car. The ride to their house was fairly long, and you found yourself drifting off, your head starting to fall on to Gojo’s shoulder. He just watched as you fell asleep, making no move to push your head off. 

“We’re here” Gojo announced, waking you up from your nap. You got out of the car and came face to face with an upscale apartment building the likes of which you’d never seen. You were in shock as they led you to the elevator and up to their floor, which you could only access with a key.

“We’ll make sure to get you a key tomorrow,” Nanami commented, before pressing the button for the fifth floor. You just nodded in awe. Once the elevator reached the fifth floor the two of them stepped out and into a little hallway type room with  the door to their actual apartment a few feet away. Nanami took out another key and unlocked the door, pushing it open to reveal a beautiful entrance room. You walked inside and took off your shoes before allowing yourself to step inside and marvel at the magnificent furniture and design of the living room. 

“Let me show you to your room” Gojo proclaimed as he took your arm and led you through the living room, which you could now see was connected to their kitchen, down a hallway and past a few doors before he stopped in front of one. He flung open the door to reveal a room as big as your old living room with a twin bed, a bookshelf, a dresser with a mirror, and a little sofa in one corner. The thing you found most amazing, was the huge window that allowed you to look out onto Tokyo. Nanami placed your duffle bag down on the sofa before turning to see you in a state of shock. 

“I hope you like the room” he said “your bathroom is right across the hallway, feel free to put your toiletries in there. Satoru and I’s bedroom is upstairs” You nodded at his words, internally screaming at the fact that the apartment had an upstairs. 

“We’ll leave you to get settled” he added “Please come out when you're ready and have some food with us.”

“Ok” you agreed and watched as the two men left the room, closing the door behind them. You flopped down against the bed and relished in how soft the mattress and sheets were. After just allowing yourself to process the events of today, you got up and started to put your clothes into the drawers before you laid your blanket and pillow on the bed. You took your toiletries out of the duffle bag and set them back down on the sofa, you then placed the now empty bag on the bottom of the bookshelf. You picked up the items off of the sofa and left your room and opened the door to a wonderful bathroom with a separate shower and bath so that one could wash off before getting into the tub. The toilet was also fancy. You put your bathing products on the shelves cut into the shower wall and set your toothbrush along other oral hygiene products and your hair brush into their respective places on the sink counter. After taking one last look around the room you made your way to the kitchen where Gojo was sitting on a high bar stool at the counter and Nanami was standing behind the counter cooking something. You took a seat one bar stool away from Gojo and looked at what Nanami was making. It looked like he was putting together rice with a fried egg, topped with, what you were guessing was salmon leftover from their dinner last night, and nori. It looked amazing and you were excited to be able to eat it, because, in all honesty, you were incredibly hungry. Nanami set a bowl in front of you along with a pair of chopsticks. 

“Itadakimasu” you and Gojo say in unison. You take your chopsticks, and pick up a clump of rice with salmon on it. Before you can place the bite in your mouth, you feel bile rising in your throat. You carefully set down your chopsticks and cover your mouth before hopping off the stool and speed walking to the bathroom where you promptly threw up the contents of your stomach. You looked up to see Nanami and Gojo standing in the doorway, a look of concern on their faces.

“I’m sorry” you apologized, your voice rough from the acid. You gagged again feeling more bile coming up your throat and you turned back to the toilet bowl and threw up once more. You were breathing heavy, your eyes were watering, and your face felt hot. It wasn’t until you calmed down a bit before you realized that Gojo was kneeling behind you with hand on the small of your back. He quickly supported you as you stood noticing how shaky you were. 

“I’m sorry” you apologized again, flushing the toilet. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it” Gojo chirped, “You're pregnant.” He helped you two the sink where you washed your mouth with mouthwash. You looked over to Nanami who was still standing in the doorway,

“Thank you for cooking dinner, I’m sure that it’s delicious, but right now I think I really just need sleep” you explained. He nodded in understanding

“Of course,” he said “I understand. If you need anything don’t hesitate to ask, Satoru and I will be staying up a bit later.” You bowed your head and thanked them again before going into your room, changing into your pajamas and laying down. You found it fairly easy to fall asleep thanks to how tired you were, and how comfortable the bed was.

[agntofhydra]

Sawbones // SIX

(gif credit) 

summary: Red String of Fate Soulmate AU

Soul mates have a red thread tied to each others pinkies that only one of them can see.

You’re the Resistance’s head medic. You can see the red thread of fate that leads you to your soulmate. Poe doesn’t believe in the soulmate / thread theory. You don’t agree with his tactics, nor does he approve of yours. Leia and Holdo just really want a win.

pairing: poe dameron x reader

rating: mature for later chapters

read me on ao3!

the masterlist  |  the playlist

read on till the end for notes!

CONTENT WARNING: this chapter contains drug use and more swearing than usual. 

SAWBONES // SIX

CALM DOWN, STARBOY. 

You’d surprised yourself, honestly. 

Maybe you were cut out for politics - the way you were able to stand in line with Poe and the Generals, keep your face blank and greet the new recruits without a scowl? It was nothing short of impressive. For you and Poe to stand shoulder to shoulder, his hands clasped behind him while yours were clasped in front, and not glance down at the stupid fucking string and notice that it was probably the shortest it’s ever been entitled you to an award. Maybe a nice vacation, off base? For the entirety of this training? 

That would be nice. 

You half expected Poe to jump into her arms, like people often did when their significant others returned from a flight. He didn’t. In fact, Poe’s expression did not crack from it’s diplomatic mask. Shoulders back, jaw clenched and chin out, Poe scanned the pilots as they left their ships, and you couldn’t help but watch him from the corner of your eye. Poe now diametrically opposed who he had been in your office, his stupid smile now a faint memory. 

Diplomatic, political Poe was one you hadn’t met nor seen in person. 

Diplomatic, political Poe was hot. 

Poe’s posture elongated his spine, jutted his chest out and brought forth his collar bones. Your eyes once again traced his gold chain. 

Maybe you didn’t deserve all the praise you’d previously granted yourself as you openly ogled the man next to you. But Poe was your soulmate. It granted you an ogle pass, whether or not both parties were aware. 

The pilots had lined up, helmets off and tucked under their arms. They were the perfect image, the very epitome of what people would want to see on Resistance banners. You’d purposely not remembered their names in spite. You were the Head Medic of the Resistance - they should have to introduce themselves to you.

Leia greeted them, her words sounded garbled as your eyes met the infamous Scoria Tane. She stood tall, her long white hair in a loose french braid. Her chestnut skin seemingly unmarred with such trivial marks like pores. You felt the breath leave your chest as her eyes flitted over to meet Poe’s. No matter how brief, you still caught it. You couldn’t feel any change in Poe’s demeanor, but you didn’t want to chance glancing over to see if there was a smile on his face. No need to put salt in an already festering wound. 

“This is our head medic,” Leia introduced you. Your head turned to hers before returning back to the recruits with a small nod. You were really mucking up your air of superiority. 

Besides Scoria, there was only one other human. And he was staring at you. 

“It’s an honor to be here, Generals,” the man spoke up, his eyes momentarily leaving your figure to address Holo, Ackbar and Leia. “It seems like a large base. I don’t know about my fellow pilots, but I would love a tour.” His eyes were back on you. 

“I’m sure Commander Dameron would be more than willing to accommodate you, Commander Ancin,” Holo nodded. 

Ancin smiled slightly. “Doctor, would you have the time?” 

You had been trying very hard not to meet his gaze, but his lack of subtlety forced your hand. However, Poe had beaten you to a response. 

“She’s very busy,” he cleared his throat. “Still has to conduct your physicals and stress tests. I am more than willing to give you a tour,” his tone was clipped. 

Ancin didn’t even spare Poe a glance, and you saw Poe clench his hands from behind his back out of your peripheral vision. You desperately wanted to pause time, to knock your shoulders or nudge him with your elbow. But you couldn’t, not with the audience in front of you. 

“It’s fine, Commander Dameron. I’m sure I could spare some time,” you responded, feeling like your skin was on fire. No doubt the white of your coat further contrasted the fact that your face was also on fire. 

“Great,” Ancin switched his helmet to the other arm. “Can we begin now?” He turned to Leia quickly. “My apologies, unless there was more to be discussed?” 

Leia gave him a tight smile. “The specifics can be gone over later.”

Ancin nodded before breaking formation with his fellow pilots and grabbing your arm. “Shall we, Doc?” 

If you would’ve had the time to turn your head as Ancin grabbed you, you would’ve seen the way Poe clenched his jaw impossibly tight and watched as the Coruscant’s pilot Commander dragged you away. If you would’ve perhaps taken the time to drag your eyes away from Poe’s chest and face earlier, you would’ve noticed that since the beginning of this whole situation, Poe had been slowly dragging the pointer finger of his right hand over the base of his left pinky. 

If you did, maybe you wouldn’t have agreed to showing someone around a base you barely knew yourself. 

“I’m going to apologize in advance,” you began, subtly removing your arm from his grip. “I don’t really know the base that well either. I know hangars, cafeteria and meeting room. But only in relation to the medbay.” 

“That’s okay,” he smiled down at you. “We can figure it out together.”

You hadn’t forced yourself to memorize the names of the pilots, but hearing Ancin jogged your memory from when you had skimmed their files. You were pretty sure his first name was Cane, and if the galaxy could pick one person to represent them, it would probably be him. 

Cane Ancin was objectively gorgeous. He was tall, several inches taller than you and most likely Poe, too. His cheekbones and jawline were sharp, and you remembered bitterly that he must be ridiculously fit, because he had one of the lowest resting heart rates you’d ever seen. He was broad, and his curls rivaled Poe’s. You outwardly winced at the comparison. 

“Something wrong?” he asked, putting a hand on your shoulder. You tried not to shrug it off. 

“Nothing. Just uh, remembering all the stuff I have to do back in the medbay.” 

Cane wasn’t bothered. “Let’s start moving then, yeah?”

The two of you had continued walking for a couple of paces, Cane watching you out of the corner of his eye, not even bothering to take account of where the two of you were. 

Fleetingly, you wondered if the base would be able to accommodate both Cane and Poe’s ego. 

“Why did you want me to give you a tour?” you asked, his silent watching pushing you to the brink. 

Cane shrugged. “Is it a crime to ask a beautiful woman to show me around?” 

You blinked at him. 

“Tell me,” his voice viscous like honey. He increased his stride so he could stand in front of you, abruptly stopping your movement. Throwing civility to the wind, you openly scowled. 

“Can you see your thread?” 

You wanted to roll your eyes. Could you have a conversation about literally anything else or was the soulmate tether your whole life now? You couldn’t work, sleep, or even eat without thinking about it. You’d never piloted one before, but you were sure that you could figure out how to steer an x-wing into oblivion. Sure, you had two of the best pilots in the galaxy on base that would catch your ass in no time, but it was nice to pretend that they couldn’t. 

Cane looked you up and down slowly. You weren’t exactly sure  what  he was looking at. Your boots, black leggings and white coat buttoned up to your throat didn’t really emanate sexy, but this guy was weird. It probably did seem sexy to him. Your scowl deepened. 

“I can see mine,” he drawled. Now would’ve been a great moment for one of your infamous ‘i’m gonna be sick’  moments. “And let me tell you, I like where it leads.” 

You snorted. “Calm down, starboy. I can see mine, too.”

Cane deflated. 

“Does that actually work? Do you get people with that?” you questioned, tapping on your chin. “Even on a few shots of fire-water I still don’t think I would’ve fell for it.”

Cane didn’t stay off-guard for long - after you were done speaking, he let out a laugh and held his hands up as if to say, ‘well, I tried.’

“It does sometimes,” he said. “The addition of fire-water does seem to increase the chances, though I figured I would try it with you regardless.” 

“You pilots are always so risky,” the two of you fell into step again. The tension seemed to have dissipated instantly. “Always shoot first, ask questions later.” 

“You speak from experience,” Cane raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you know how many pilots end up in my medbay because of that mentality?” You shook your head. “Craziest beings in the galaxy, I swear.” 

“Dameron is the worst of us,” he responded, and you didn’t miss the way his expression steeled. You stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. 

“Commander of the Resistance? You really trust that guy?” 

You narrowed your eyes, the words your brain wanted to speak in defense of Poe stilled at the tip of your tongue. You didn’t expect someone to join the ‘I hate Poe Dameron’ club, but as soon as it crossed your mind, you realized you weren’t even part of that club. You were in the ‘I hate loving Poe Dameron’ club. President of the ‘My soulmate is a douche but it’s totally my fault’ club. 

You could go on. 

“What’s your issue with Poe?” you asked. 

“Typical he hasn’t mentioned me,” Cane scratched his bare jaw. It made you realize you preferred stubble. “He’s just...not the guy you all think he is.” 

“Don’t be vague,” you said, annoyed. 

“The guy just...he’s not this straight-laced, hero of the Resistance. Hell, I haven’t even been here a day and I can tell the whole base fucking worships him, and for what?” 

“For being a good pilot?” you answered what was most likely a rhetorical question. “For risking his life every time he gets in that ship, getting us First Order intel and directly playing a role in saving the galaxy?” You were getting angrier by the second. Whatever past he had with Poe, you didn’t care about it. 

“Might I remind you it’s the same galaxy that you and I both live in? We all have shit we’ve done in the past. How we move on from it defines us.” You stopped yourself before saying something you would regret, revealing too much to a man you didn’t know. And honestly? You didn’t care to. 

You continued when Cane stayed silent. 

“You don’t have skeletons in the closet? If you know Poe’s, I’m sure he knows yours.” 

You turned to him, conveniently stopped outside of the double doors to your medbay. The harsh fluorescents illuminated Cane’s face, exposing the conflict and discord written all over his features. Whatever thoughts were floating in his head made you feel uneasy, as though you were teetering on a tightrope. Cane didn’t meet your gaze, instead he chose to finally notice his surroundings. 

He inhaled deeply and exhaled for longer. You waited patiently. 

“I’ll see you around for my tests, Doc.” Cane continued to walk down the hallway, and you fought the urge to point out that it was the opposite direction he needed to go. ...right?

You couldn’t dwell on your mediocre sense of direction before you heard the whoosh of air form the double doors opening and FX-7’s bulky metal frame towering over you.  Droid or not, you could feel the disapproval from the lit, annular holes in its head as they bored into your back.

“You have plenty to do,” was all the droid said before it retreated back into the medbay.

✗ ✗ ✗

  Yes, you had plenty to do. So much so that it took you up until early morning to finish. It was so early, (or late?) that you had recoiled when you’d checked the time.

But, as you were heading back to your quarters to catch up on sleep because you were in no rush to start taking vitals on the new recruits, your arm was caught on fire. 

Not literally, but it felt literal. Like every nerve ending was ripped from your skin, abraded and exposed. And it all originated from one point on your hand. You fought the buckle of your knees, desperately applying pressure to your pinky finger after loudly yelling a string of expletives. As you took another step in the direction of your quarters, the pain impossibly intensified. Somehow, your brain was able to act logically as you quickly retraced your last few steps. 

As you moved backwards, the pain slowly dissipated into a deep throb, coming from both your hand and somehow your chest? You inspected your arm, turning over at least seven times. Your medical training had never taught you, or even touched on anything related to...whatever just happened. As you retreated back to the medbay, the pain intensified again. 

“What the fuck,” you gritted through your teeth. Stepping back from the double doors, you continued forward. And for the next few minutes, you continued like that. Walking and retracing your steps, following the path that didn’t beset your body in so much agony your vision went white.  

In your course around the base, you were at a junction you’d never been to previously. To your left, the hallway led out to the runway and to your right, a dead end. However, a few experimental steps in either direction revealed that your phantom arm pain was directing you straight forward. 

Honestly, fuck the galaxy, you sized up the door in front of you. Whatever forces were at work right now, pulling your sensory nerves like strings on a marionette could fuck off. Sending you to weird parts of the base that you’d never been to (it could’ve been a common area actually, you never really explored) and sending you to a blank, durasteel door? Another healthy dose of fire shot up your spinal cord. 

“The thread is sentient,” you tried to catch your breath. “All of the past soulmates in the galaxy have joined together to kill me.” 

Rationally, there was no way you were correct but you were running on empty and had been updating the files on the pilots until you thought your retinas would burn out. Maybe this was a dream? You could definitely be dreaming. 

Shaking out your right arm, you bounced back and forth on either foot. You were going to go through this mystery door. Enter the mystery door that didn’t make your arm feel like the thread was pulling tight between your arm and torso as if to amputate it. Yes.

Before your mind could bitch out, your muscles pushed your legs forward by reflex - acting before the brain could process. Your hand pulling down on the handle, a component most doors on the base didn’t have. 

Blue. 

Your entire field of vision was met with a murky swirl of blue. The room was of decent size, maybe slightly smaller than your office. From what you could see, it looked like a storage room. The walls were lined with shelves that contained extra orange jumpsuits, helmets, blankets and clothes of all sorts. In your pursuit of orienting yourself, you disregarded the figure sitting on the ground against the wall opposite you.

 With one leg forward and the other bent at the knee, the source of the smoke dangled loosely between the fingers of Poe Dameron. 

But you didn’t realize that yet, because it was dark and hazy and you were confused and what was that smell?  The acrid fumes were coupled with an odor that was almost...sweet? No. Tart felt like the better word. Sharp and sour and sitting on your tastebuds. 

As Poe dragged on the stick in his hand, the embers that burned at the end burned brighter and attracted your eyes. Then, you noticed him. 

“Dameron?” you squinted through the smoke, trying to swat it out of your vision. “Are you seriously smoking spice right now?”

In your confusion and disbelief, you didn’t notice how the throbbing from the remnants of pain in your arm had become an amalgamation of both the lingering pain and a new, warmer sensation. Pleasure.

“I’m surprised you know what this is,” he blew out a long stream. 

You tried not to scoff. “I was a teenager once, too.” 

He was silent for a moment before lazily motioning with the hand that held the joint to the spot next to him. With a concerning lack of reluctance you’d think on later, you sat down next to him. 

“My entire left arm has been killing me all day,” he took another hit. You frowned as he blew the smoke out at you. 

“So weird that there isn’t someone on base that could do something about that,” you replied casually, but your mind was spinning. His arm was hurting too? What the hell was going on?

He shook his head, ignoring your response and offered you the joint instead. Surprising both him and yourself, you took it, rotating it in your hand. 

“Take a hit,�� Poe urged. “You can turn off your doctor-mode for one seco -  are you really inspecting it right now?”

You looked at him, confused. “Um, yes? Why are you inhaling this when you don’t even know what it’s made of?” 

Poe blinked at you, albeit much slower than usual. “To get high.”

You tapped the ashes into the palm of your hand, then handed the spice back to him. His hand slowly, meticulously took it from your grip and brought it back to his lips. Rubbing the ashes with your pointer finger in your palm, you brought the fine, cerulean powder to your eyes, studying it before lightly placing your finger on your tongue. Poe’s eyes tracked every movement. 

“It’s similar to Ryll,” you noted. “An ore from Ryloth. It’s usually used medicinally, but it can be refined into some good fucking spice.”

“You’ve smoked spice?” 

You took the object in question from his grip, putting it between your lips and taking a deep inhale. Holding it, you smirked at him. You laughed while exhaling, your lungs somewhat relishing in the sweet burn you hadn’t felt in years. 

“Medical school was hard.”

“That’s…” Poe’s eyebrows twisted as he tried to find the words, “so...normal? Of you?” 

“Thanks?”

Poe leaned his head back against the wall. “You’re always the head medic, the doctor of the Resistance. You make it really hard to get to know you outside of that. Is there someone beneath the white coat?” 

You took another hit to avoid answering and Poe had no issue in continuing. 

“I had to ask that engineer you always hang out with,” he paused, thinking hard to remember Jasti’s name before giving up and continuing, “what your actual name was. The people I asked before didn’t know.” 

“Everyone calls me Doc. I don’t mind it.” 

“I do,” Poe snapped, uncharacteristically hostile. “Stars, I’ve made such an effort for you.” 

“An effort?” you echoed.

“To get to know you, to spend time with you. Maker, I even thought for a second - “ Nope. Poe wasn’t high enough to let that statement loose. 

But you were just high enough not to notice. 

“I’m sorry,” you apologized, the usual weight on your chest now heavier. “I don’t know how to act when people want to get to know me. I haven’t for a long time.” 

Poe placed the joint on the ground, letting it burn out. The two of you sat in silence, slowly inhaling and exhaling the chemicals that swirled in the air. You could feel yourself becoming heavier and weightless at the same time. Your physical sense felt light, but the burden of everything else came down heavy. 

“I hate having him here,” Poe began. “Ancin.” 

“Did you know him previously?” 

Poe swallowed thickly, and you watched his adam’s apple bob up and down. The thought crossed your mind again - the sensitivity of his carotid. It would be so easy for you to find out right now, to just lean over and place a finger, or even your lips on it. That part of your brain that kept you rational and reasonable must've been short circuited by the spice because it wasn’t telling you not to find out, not reminding you of any and all consequences. For once, your brain felt quiet. 

Leaning his head back up towards you, he caught your staring but you couldn’t be bothered to look away. Maybe he was sensitive elsewhere, too. You had dated a guy from Corellia who went absolutely feral when your lips met his sternum. You wanted to find out if Poe was the same way. You wanted to place your lips on every inch of his body, test each section of skin for a quick intake of breath, a twitch, goosebumps. To feel his fingers, calloused from years of flight maneuvers and switches, testing you for sensitivity. 

In your reverie, Poe had begun to inch closer at imperceptible increments. His left hand resting flat on the ground - next to your right. His left pinky laid over your right as he leaned in, tucking some hair behind your ear to justify his proximity. His head turned, his lips now ghosting over the strip of space between the bottom of your earlobe to the joint of your jaw. 

“Is this okay?” He whispered, and you closed your eyes at the feeling of his lips brushing against you. 

“This better not be a dream again,” you said under your breath. 

Chuckling, Poe pressed his lips to your temporomandibular joint as you tilted your head, giving him full access. “Again?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Your filter was gone - your brain now occupied with the double assault of the spice and having Poe Dameron press kisses onto your skin. 

“We don’t have to talk,” he said, unbuttoning the top two buttons of your white coat to give him more access to your neck. He sucked lightly at your own pulse point, and you sucked in a breath. 

“Sensitive?”  Stars. The irony. 

“Are you?” you bit back as you brought your hand to rest on his bicep. 

“Want to find out?” he pulled back to meet your eyes. In spite of your slow movements and cloudy train of thought, you had never felt so clear, so confident in an answer. 

You licked your lips, moistening them as your hand slid up from its place on his bicep to the side of Poe’s face, stroking your thumb lightly. Poe sighed, leaning into your ministration and tangling his pinky finger with yours. You could feel the blood buzzing underneath your skin, your sympathetic nervous system sending adrenaline and epinephrine by the gallon to account for how fast your heart was racing. 

You copied his earlier movements, pressing your lips to various points along his jaw, his neck. Testing what he liked the most. When you got to your target, you boldly licked the spot up to his jaw. Poe’s hand tangled in your hair, breath shuddering. 

“That’s a yes for you, too,” you whispered with the last remnants of air in your lungs. 

Finally, your brain rejoiced through the fog. 

You continued kissing, nipping at spots here and there. At the notch between his collarbones, Poe groaned. 

“Scoria.”

You stopped. 

Pulling away, you mustered the courage to meet his eyes. The smoke of the room now felt suffocating, not intoxicating. You felt like you were being smothered, and you were now noticing the lack of fresh air in your lungs. 

Poe’s eyes met yours, too before widening. 

Your hand left his face, your pinky leaving his. The dull ache in your arm had returned. You swallowed thickly, nodding. 

“Fuck. I’m - “ Poe couldn’t straighten out his thoughts, let alone form a sentence. Very clearly in his mind, he had known it was you kissing, sucking on his neck. Her name had just..slipped out. 

“No,” you cut him off before he could formulate some half-assed excuse you didn’t want to hear. “I’m sorry. I should’ve have - I forgot about - “ You couldn’t find the words either. 

Standing, you looked down at him briefly, noting how the red thread of fucking fate bisected his torso, standing out starkly against the blue of the smoke and his button up. 

“Thanks for the spice,” you forced, before leaving the room. 

Walking down the hallway, continuing your initial course of returning to your quarters, you felt extremely sober. What else could sober you up faster than the guy whose neck you're kissing moaning out the name of another woman? 

Looking down, you quickly redid the buttons Poe had undone. 

I’m sorry? Your mind replayed the moment.  Sorry for what? Poe is yours. 

You stopped in your tracks. 

Poe was yours. Why the fuck were you embarrassed that you were indirectly kissing your soulmate? Apologizing because he was currently in the middle of wasting his time with another woman? Sure, it was girl code not to do what you had previously been doing, but soulmates were excluded from girl code. Whether or not it was indirectly (...or directly) your fault that he was with her wasn’t important. 

So, yeah. Fuck being sorry, fuck being embarrassed. You were done tiptoeing around the subject. Operation ‘Poe is my soulmate and I’m finally going to do something about it’ was a go. You couldn’t waste any more time. 

The realization that you would explode if you had to spend any more days of your life without Poe’s lips on you was completely unrelated. 

 -----

are you guys screaming? i'm screaming.

also, poe looks high af in the gif above so...i felt that it fit well. 

but what a wild rollercoaster this has been & will continue to be. I hope y'all are excited for the ride, because I am. Can't thank you guys enough for the love & support. don't be scared, share the angst with your friends!! xoxox

also!!! official sawbones playlist because i am a slut for playlists. i’ll be adding and removing, so lmk how you feel about it :) 

TAGLIST (message me to be added!)

@yayrainday @samhollandssweaters @softly-sad @rebelgeneraldameron @btillys @daydreamerinadazedworld @teaofpeach @iamthe-shadow-on-the-wall @fandom-addict-aesthetics @peterwandaparker @bookaholicinwonderland @roserrys @clydesducktape @heythere-mel @justrunamok @corrupt-fvcker @lets-do-get-help @agents-assemble @idocarealot @phoenixhalliwell @afootnoteinyourhappiness @gottalovethefandom @bbuckysbeardd @stanningtoomanypeopleatonce @missreyskywalker @katrynec​ @lizajane3 @shootingstarzmagick

[undertalethingems]

Bark at the Moon Chapter 18: Another Truth

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Rating, Setting: Gen, Pre-canon

Chapter Warnings: None

Chapter Summary: Undyne suggests visiting Asgore to see if he can recall anything about the brothers’ past--but they need Alphys’ insight, and she’s late to the meeting...

"I apologize for failing my duties, sir," Undyne said, voice amplified by her helmet. She stood stiffly at attention, braced for whatever Asgore would say next. He was kind, and her mentor, but she'd abandoned her responsibilities. "I put a personal matter before my oath to protect all monster kind, and I accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate."

Asgore furrowed his brows, perplexed. "This is about the 'beast' incident, right? The rogue monster that turned out to be your friends?"

"Yes. I spent some time afterwards to search for them, to exclusion of all my other work."

Asgore sat back in his throne, stroking his beard. "You still had the rest of the guard on duty, correct? And you found them in the end... So, it all worked out, didn't it?"

Undyne sighed. "Sir... you really are a big softy."

"Well, I can hardly lose my best captain!" Asgore said with a smile. "Your dedication is something to aspire to--I hate to think what may have happened had you given up on your friends, and I'm sure they're happier for it as well. You did the right thing."

"Thank you, your majesty," Undyne replied, bowing her head. "Um, with that out of the way... I was wondering if I could ask you something."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Well..." Undyne started, then glanced around the room before stepping forward and continuing in a lower voice. "It turns out... the brothers are beasts because of something an old Royal Scientist did. We've--Alphys and I--have been wondering if there's anything you'd know about it."

Asgore blinked, then dipped his head as he thought. "No, I... I don't recall anything of the sort. Perhaps, if I met them, it would jog some memories."

Undyne grinned. "I think we can arrange that. Any particular time?"

Asgore thought. "Well, I am not up to much today... Perhaps after your patrol?"

"That should be fine. I think Alphys will want to come too, if that's alright."

"Of course! If she's helping with this conundrum, I think it's all the better," Asgore agreed. "If it's decided, then I shall see you later!"

"Yes sir, I'll let everyone know. And... thank you."

"Of course, captain. I'd have done the same thing."

Undyne nodded, then saluted before marching from the throne room. She should have known Asgore was too forgiving to hold her search-and-rescue stint against her. She'd been working harder than ever, trying to make up for her shortcoming--even sorting through old paperwork she usually got someone else to do. But... if it made no difference to Asgore, maybe she could lighten up on the extra patrols and have time for her friends again. With Sans and Papyrus not needing her help anymore, it'd been a few weeks since she'd seen them--and the last time she'd talked to Alphys had been during one of her shifts, and she'd had to cut her off. It sucked, and she was looking forward to having a social life again. The moment her patrol was over for the day, she pulled out her phone.

"Alphys, hey! Listen, I know it's short notice, but the king wants to meet with us--you, me, and the bros to discuss what's up with them."

"Uhhh what, y-you mean, like right now? H-how short-notice is this?" Alphys stammered on the other end, and Undyne regretted putting her on the spot.

"Er, yeah. I mean, I'm sure Asgore wouldn't mind waiting a bit--I have to tell the brothers too, and then we all gotta head to the castle... so, maybe in half an hour?"

"I was about to--w-well, I guess I don't have to do that now--um, so should I bring the files on what we know so far?"

"That might be a good idea. Asgore said he doesn't remember anything about it," Undyne replied. "Which is odd, but I guess so is everything else about this."

"Y-yeah... okay, let me get some things together, and I'll meet you guys there!"

"Great! I know we'll get to the bottom of this--alright, see you soon!"

Undyne hung up, then dialed a different number. "Hi Papyrus! Are you guys busy?"

"Undyne! An excellent choice in calling me--what can I help you with?" he replied, and she chuckled.

"Actually, I think we're gonna be helping you--Asgore wants to see you guys, and figure out if he can remember anything about... uh, what happened to you. He's ready to see us now, so head on up to the castle--Alphys is coming too, and we're all gonna meet there in about twenty minutes."

"Wowie! King Fluffybuns himself! Alright, I'll wrangle Sans and see you guys there!"

"Okay, see you in a bit."

With her calls made, Undyne set off for home to get out of her armor, then for New Home. ...Wow, Asgore was really bad at names. But, it didn't matter--he was a great leader otherwise, and he was going to help them figure out how the mess with the skeleton brothers had ever started. She marched toward the castle purposefully, wondering what they might discuss. The castle soon loomed overhead, and she grinned as she saw the brothers waiting just outside.

"Hey guys! Looks like you made good time."

"It's hard not to when your brother decides he's done enough walking for the day," Papyrus replied with a huff, glaring down at his brother, who chuckled.

"listen, i've had enough action for a lifetime bro. think i'm gonna slack off even more."

"Sans! That! Is almost a fair point, but I think even you know you can become too lazy! So I won't allow it!"

"fine, fine. think of it as me saving my energy for important stuff then."

Papyrus snorted, then turned back to Undyne. "Well, the main thing is that we're all here. Right?"

Undyne glanced around--she hadn't spotted Alphys. "I think so--Alphys must have gone inside already. Shall we?"

"We shall!" Papyrus declared, leading the way in.

Asgore was waiting for them in his throne room, perking up from tending flowers when they entered. "Ah, howdy everyone! I was just finishing up a little gardening. I hope you're all well--once Doctor Alphys arrives, we'll get started."

Undyne frowned. "She's not here yet?"

Asgore pursed his lips as he shook his head. "No, I assumed you'd all be arriving together. She's not with you?"

"No..." Undyne trailed, "but, maybe she's just running a little late. It was pretty short notice, and she said she had to get some stuff together..."

"Well, let's wait for her then. I don't believe there's any rush," Asgore said, turning back to the flowers, picking off dead stems and sprinkling water as he puttered along. "Let me know if you would like tea. It would not take long to make at all, and I always find it comforting when discussing... serious matters."

"That is an excellent idea," Papyrus replied, glancing to his brother. "It would be lovely to sit and tell this tale around the fireplace while we all drink flavored leaf water together!"

Undyne noticed that neither of the brothers--but particularly Sans--had stepped far into the throne room. Sans looked tense, and Papyrus was casting concerned glances... Oh. Golden flowers...

"Yeah, I could go for some too," she agreed, and Asgore smiled and set his watering can down.

"Wonderful! Go sit anywhere you like, I'll start the water boiling."

The trio headed back through the hall up to Asgore's home while he brought up the rear. Undyne picked a spot at the table, and the brothers followed her lead as best they could--most chairs weren't exactly made to accommodate dragon-horse-lizard things. But they managed to get settled, and Undyne noted they looked more relaxed now that they weren't surrounded by flowers. Only a few more minutes passed, and Asgore carried out a small tray with the steaming kettle and five dainty teacups. He gave one to each of them, leaving the fifth empty.

"I do hope Alphys arrives soon," he said, finally taking his seat. "It has been a little while since I spoke to her... But she seems to be very busy with her experiments, and I do not want to impose."

"Yeah... I'll text her and see what's up," Undyne said, pulling out her phone and sending a brief message, then sipped her tea. Asgore was always really good at getting it to just the right temperature.

"So," Asgore began, "are you boys... doing alright? I do not know the full story yet, but, Undyne told me a little... It sounds very frightening to go through something like that."

"We're doing much better now!" Papyrus replied brightly, perking up. "It was scary at first just because we didn't know what to do... and while we still don't know what to do, we're not afraid of people hunting us down anymore!"

Asgore blinked. "Er, yes, that's good to hear. I'll do my best to help you. How are things in Snowdin? I do not get out there very often."

Papyrus happily began filling him in; after listening for a while, Sans turned to her.

"nothing from alph yet?"

"No... that's weird, she's usually pretty quick. It's like her phone is glued to her hand some days," Undyne joked. "She hates phone calls, but, maybe I should try that next. Hold on."

She dialed, and listened to it ring--it picked up. "Hey, Alphys! I--"

The call dropped. Or had been hung up. Either way, it had cut off without a word, and Undyne frowned before dialing again. This time it rang and rang until finally going to voicemail, and Undyne left a message. "Hey Alphys! We're all waiting for you at Asgore's place--is everything okay? Call me back soon."

"We will give her a little more time," Asgore said, refreshing everyone's tea. "Perhaps something came up."

So they waited. Sans dozed off with his head resting on the table while Papyrus and Asgore got into a discussion about puzzle history; Undyne found herself checking her phone every few minutes, but the result was always the same: no new messages. An hour after their meeting was supposed to begin, she stood.

"I'm going to check on her."

"Do you believe something's wrong?" Asgore questioned, looking worried, and Undyne grimaced.

"She's never taken this long to reply to a message... Even if she just got distracted, I wanna check up on her."

"Very well. Brothers, you can stay here if you like..."

Papyrus rose as well. "I'll go too! Between the two of us, we're sure to find her!"

"ok bro. i'll stay here. as long as asgore doesn't mind me monopolizing the spot in front of the fire."

"Oh, I don't mind. I was going to do a little tidying, if that's alright."

"guess it's settled."

"Okay. See you guys later then," Undyne said, then headed for the door with Papyrus in tow. She broke into a jog, heading for the elevator that would take them right to the Core's upper entrance,  and they'd reach the lab from there. Papyrus kept pace easily, and occasionally sniffed the ground to see if Alphys had come this way--but he'd found nothing yet.

They made it to the lab, with neither incident nor finding Alphys--it was like she hadn't left at all. Undyne exchanged a look with Papyrus, then stepped forward. The door slid open, and she cautiously entered. The lights were still on...

"Alphys? Hello? It's me and Papyrus, we came to check up on you... Uh, 'me' being Undyne of course..."

Only her own voice echoed. Undyne frowned, and headed further in. Papyrus put his nose to work, sweeping along the floor to find the freshest trail, which led him to the door marked with a bathroom sign.

"She's, in there," he said, stopping just short of it.

"The bathroom...?"

His tail twitched. "It's. There's one down there, yes."

"Down... Papyrus? I know you said you were... born here, but... what are you talking about?"

He stared at the door. "This floor is just the nice part of the lab. There's a lot more floors down below. She must be on. One of those."

She noted how stiff he looked, and grunted. "Well, we have to find her. If she got in trouble somehow... Well, I'd want someone to come looking for me. I know you don't like it here, but... I won't let anything happen to you either. Come on."

She stepped forward again, but the door didn't open this time. She tried again, waved at it, but nothing happened. It was locked. Well, that wasn't about to stop her--she took a few paces back, then leapt at the door from a running start, landing a flying kick directly in the center. The metal buckled and folded back under her assault, revealing a short hallway leading to an elevator. She landed on her feet, and turned to see a very startled Papyrus looking back at her.

"...I'll fix it later. Let's go find Alphys."

He took a deep breath, then followed her into the elevator. "Maybe she'll keep it as a testament to your frightening muscles, Undyne."

Undyne snorted. "Maybe. Now, which floor do you think we should try first? Start from the top and work our way down?'

"If she's in trouble like you think, that could take too long! Let's see..." Papyrus stepped closer to the control panel and narrowed his eyes. "A-ha! ... I have no way of knowing either."

"You could probably smell her though, right? We just need to find which floor has the strongest scent," Undyne suggested, and he perked up.

"Of course! Down we go!" He pressed the first button--but nothing happened. "Hmm. That wasn't as timely as I hoped."

He tried again, then the next one, and the next--but got the same result.

"Do any of these work?!" Undyne groused, and ran her hand down the side of the panel Papyrus hadn't tried. The elevator shuddered--and finally moved. "Hey! I got it!"

"Good job! Hopefully that's the only floor of this horrible place we'll have to check!"

Undyne gave a bittersweet smile. "Yeah."

The elevator finally slowed to a stop and the door slid open. They stepped out into a dimly lit hall, and Papyrus sniffed.

"Huh. I don't think this floor looks familiar, actually. The good news is, Alphys is definitely here. But..."

"But what?" Undyne asked warily.

"I can smell... Oh, it's probably just the smell of science! Come on, she must be close!"

Undyne watched him bound ahead, noting he looked tense again. He probably just didn't like being down here, but... She summoned a spear just in case, and followed the sound of his footsteps as they clicked on the tile floor. It was eerie in these halls... nothing like the bright, airy lab she knew. Did Alphys really work in a place like this? It didn't seem like her.

But maybe it was like they guy she'd replaced.

She quickened her pace to jog beside Papyrus as he did the sleuthing, and they swept through the darkened passages together. They passed a heavy blast door, and through a room full of beds; Undyne wondered at them--Alphys was always talking about robotics and computers, and didn't have assistants... But Papyrus skirted them, heading for the next doorway.

They were traversing a long straight hallway when a fluid, pale gray mass burst from the floor. Papyrus screeched, backpedaling straight into Undyne and knocking the wind out of her as she tumbled to the floor. She struggled to get up--then realized Papyrus was now standing over her protectively even as he rattled with fear. He hissed, a deep threatening sound Undyne had never heard from him, and the strange mass quivered--but didn't move. Papyrus planted his feet and inhaled, light gathering in his jaws before firing a beam of magic straight into the thing's center--and then it split into three.

Or was it in three places at once?

Undyne scrambled up, panting as she tried to get a read on her opponents. They were unlike any monster she'd ever seen, a slimy heap of tendrils and faces and--a glowing eyelight met her gaze, and she suddenly realized there was a pit in her stomach. Actually, this thing looked too familiar now--

It made a horrible electronic screech, and Papyrus yelped. He fired another beam, and Undyne snapped out of her horror. However horrible she thought this thing was, it was even more distressing to her friend. She readied her spear, selected the same entity Papyrus had attacked--and yelled.

Its health bar was broken.

Whatever damage Papyrus had dealt had only increased this thing's vitality--it had broken the readout. They couldn't hurt it. If they couldn't figure out how to spare it, it could...

"Papyrus! I know this is weird coming from me, but, we can't fight these things!"

It was the entities' turn. They attacked together--or perhaps only one of them did--filling the bounds of the board with strange smiling faces. Undyne did her best to dodge them, only to look over and see Papyrus curled up, unmoving, and quaking with fear. Not good. As soon as it was their turn again--he fled the battle. Undyne looked from him to the other, grit her teeth, and followed suit.

"Papyrus!"

She came to a crossroads, and decided to keep going straight, hoping it was what Papyrus had done and that he hadn't slipped. Something about whatever that thing was had made him react instinctively--she'd never known him to lose control in battle like that. Bringing him along was starting to seem like a really bad idea.

"Papyrus?" she called again, slowing down as she entered another room. The walls were lined with fans, which circulated fresh air in. But that wasn't what caught her eye--a pair of orange lights shone at her from the end of the hall, and below the hum of the fans, she could hear bones rattling. Papyrus was curled up at the far wall, and he whimpered as she slowly approached.

"Hey punk, I'm here. I won't let that thing touch you again. C'mere."

She knelt, and was nearly knocked over as he barreled into her. She adjusted her footing to support him better, and she waited until his shivering had calmed down to speak again.

"Do... Can you explain anything about what that was?"

He shuddered again, and opened his jaws to speak; at first, only a dry rasp came out, but he cleared his throat and tried again. "I... it..."

"It's okay, take your time."

He panted, then shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths. "They.. Th-they were... I could have been that."

Undyne flinched. "What?!"

"I could smell it--bone, but wrong--all wrong. Th-their voice--their voices--almost, a-almost..."

She rubbed his back, and he shuddered again.

"I--I'm sorry I panicked, Undyne. I know you expect better of me. They just brought back... bad memories."

"Hey, shh, it's fine. Those things freaked me out too. We came down here to find Alphys, not fight... that. Are you sure she's past... where those things were?"

He heaved a tremulous sigh. "The scent trail was really strong..."

"I was afraid of that..." Undyne said, then her expression hardened. "If they hurt her, I'll... Stay here. I'll go on ahead."

"I... N-no, I should come with. I was just surprised earlier, it's fine!" Papyrus said, standing.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea..."

"If it's too much, I'll just run away again. It's fine! Alphys needs us!!"

Undyne sighed. "Okay. Stay close."

They left the ventilation room behind, with Undyne leading this time. Spear at the ready, she walked slowly, watching for signs of movement and ears straining for the slightest sound. They passed the junction and kept going--it wouldn't be long before they arrived at the spot they'd been attacked at again.

It was so quiet she almost didn't catch it--but far ahead, there was a shuffling sound. She held out her arm, and they stopped to listen. It kept coming--a steady, quiet slap-slap on the tile far ahead. Footsteps... Undyne inhaled, and relaxed as it dawned on her.

"Alphys?"

"A-ah... Undyne..." Her voice sounded weak, and Undyne let her spear dissolve as she ran forward.

"Are you okay?! Are you hurt?! Papyrus and I ran into this crazy--thing, and it--"

"Amalgamate," Alphys interrupted. "You met an amalgamate."

"Wh..."

"Follow me... there's... There's some people you should meet..."

Alphys began shuffling back the way she came, and Undyne and Papyrus exchanged looks. She seemed... downtrodden. Undyne frowned, and followed her down the hall, still on edge should the amalgamate return. The hallway finally opened into another room, and Undyne heard Papyrus stumble to a stop behind her--she couldn't blame him, considering there was a huge machine hanging in the middle of the room, its red outer shell shaped... not too differently from his own skull. It gave Undyne that pit in her stomach again, but Alphys had slipped into a small side room.

"Papyrus, come on. This one's a machine, it can't hurt you."

"... Smells like... more bad memories," he uttered, shivering as he scratched at a spot on his arm. But she put her hand on his shoulder, and they headed into the side room together.

Alphys was surrounded by the white shifting beings. Undyne yelled, summoning an array of spears--but Alphys had leapt, balancing on the back of a couch with arms raised. At least, she balanced briefly--not built for acrobatics, her tail wasn't enough to counterbalance her outstretched arms, and she pitched forward with a squeak. Undyne dispelled her spears and lunged, catching the little lizard just in time.

"Alphys, what the hell is going on?! What--what are these?!"

"I-it's the amalgamates, th-they're friendly! Don't worry!" Alphys quickly explained, and Undyne set her down.

"One of them attacked us--"

"It's not here," Papyrus spoke up, and she turned to him before scanning the room. There was a vaguely dog-shaped mass, a heap of teeth and muscles, a spindly birdlike thing, and what looked like a snowdrake at first but... did it have... vegetoids for eyes? Undyne grimaced. But Papyrus was right--the creature that had attacked them wasn't here.

"O-oh, you must have met the memoryheads," Alphys explained. "th-they come and go a lot... I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you."

"They scared Papyrus," Undyne replied. "Why are you here? What's going on?"

Alphys shrank, claws fidgeting as she cast her eyes to the ground. "I... I... I don't think I should help..."

"Why not? You're a great scientist--"

"She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this." "She made us like this."

Undyne flinched at the cacophony of voices--the toothy creature had spoken. Alphys looked like she wanted to disappear. The thin bird spoke next, three voices at once.

"She tried her best"

"She wanted to help."

"Ribbit..."

"Sno... wy..." the snowdrake said weakly in the corner.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I... I didn't want anyone to find out about this--what happened here," Alphys continued. "I made a horrible mistake, and ruined these people's lives, and lied--lied to you, to everyone... so... You should just. Forget about me..."

"What?!" Undyne uttered; she was still trying to sort out just what had happened down here, and she was no good at emotional stuff. But she'd have to try--she hated the look on Alphys' face. It was the same one she'd worn just before they'd first met. She sighed, and relaxed. "Look Alphys, I don't know what's going on here, but, I don't care--I'm just glad you're okay! We were worried something horrible had happened to you!"

Alphys looked up blearily. "Really?"

"Yes! You're our friend!" Papyrus spoke up cheerfully, and Alphys managed a weak smile.

"W-well... If you hear what I did... you won't want to be."

Undyne dropped to her knees and cupped Alphys cheeks in her hands. "Alphys. You're SMART, you're PASSIONATE, you've figured stuff out in hours what I never could in a million years. No matter what you did, I'm GLAD you're here, working to help monsters even if you don't always know what's gonna work. We'll figure out what to do--together."

"You mean it?" Alphys said, somewhat muffled and clearly turning pink under Undyne's hands.

"Of COURSE I do! That's what we're gonna do for the bros, right? You think this only applies to them?"

"W-well... I-I... didn't think... I..." She trailed, then placed her hands over Undyne's. "Th-thank you, Undyne. I'm... I'm really, really glad you guys came here. Other wise, I might have... W-well. I wouldn't have helped anyone that way. I came down here because I thought I'd made up my mind to do the right thing, but... I started thinking about it and... couldn't... couldn't bear the thought of losing... losing your friendship. But..."

She sniffled, but shut her eyes, focused. "After Sans and Papyrus told us what happened to them, I knew I needed to come clean about the amalgamates if I wasn't going to be a huge hypocrite. I... I have to tell Asgore that the experiment failed. I have to... I have to let these guys go home to their families. I've been so afraid of the consequences, but... I don't want to be like the Royal Scientist who came before me."

"You can't! You're not a skeleton!" Papyrus offered helpfully, and Alphys snorted.

"N-no, that's true. But I mean, like him in the 'bad scientist' way. I kept what had happened a secret from everyone..."

"Hey, I'm just proud you're willing to own up to your mistakes," Undyne said, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sure everyone will understand... once you explain it."

"Y-yeah... I... I wanted to do that when we met up with Asgore tonight, but, it was such short notice... I chickened out."

"Well, lucky for you we're here to un-chicken you," Papyrus said, seeming much perkier now. "You know old King Fluffy, he's a softy about everything! And, I'm sure all your melty friends will be happy to return home--I know the feeling and everyone will be so happy to see them again!"

Alphys smiled, a bit more genuine now. "I-I think, as long as you guys are there, I can explain everything. But... o-okay. H-hold on a sec."

She drew back, and turned to the amalgamates. "O-kay guys... As you all just heard... I'm finally going to tell the king what happened, and then, your families. I think you should wait here just a little longer, but, you'll... you go home soon. Th... Thank you for... for waiting so long. I hope you can forgive me. But it's time this was over."

The snowdrake shuffled from the corner, leaving a trail of sludge. "S..... no.... wy....?"

"Yes. Mrs. Snowdrake, you'll see your son soon," Alphys said, looking like she might cry. "You just--just wait a little longer, please."

"We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies." "We'll watch some movies."

The doglike amalgamate wagged its excitement indicator.

"Have courage."

"Ribbit ribbit."

"You finally got it."

"Th-thanks guys. I... I'll be back soon, I promise" Alphys said, then turned to her friends. "Okay. Let's go."

The journey back upstairs was much less tense, and it wasn't long before they were finally in open air and on their way back to Asgore's castle. Undyne kept a reassuring hand on Alphys' shoulder, and she tried not to steal too many glances at her; she'd have to do this again when they were just... hanging out. Yeah. That'd be nice...

"So Alphys, if I have deduced things correctly, you created the amalgamates," Papyrus began, "on accident of course, but, I have to ask... where did you get skeletons!?"

"Wh-what?"

"Papyrus..."

"I'm just wondering, because, um, if there are other skeletons and my brother and I never knew about them... um..."

"O-oh, uh... no, I didn't have any skeletons in my test group," Alphys explained, scratching her head. "Why do you ask?"

"W-well, it's just, um... the amalgamate Undyne and I fought, was... skeletons... sort of..."

Alphys' brow furrowed. "Th... how's that possible?"

"I was hoping you knew." Papyrus said, grin tight. "It's not important! Let's meet back up with Sans and the king! They must be wondering where we are!"

Undyne watched him trot ahead, then spoke in a low voice. "It really freaked him out, enough that he slipped, just a little. When I met back up with him and we talked... he said it was something he could've become. That they smelled like bone, but... all wrong."

Alphys studied him as she thought. "I... I can't be sure, but if that's true... It's only a hypothesis, but, that means the memoryheads aren't from my experiments."

"They're from his."

"Y-yeah."

"Alphys... I'm really glad you want to help them. You're a good person, you know?"

She wilted a little. "I... I'm trying to take your word for it."

Undyne squeezed her shoulder, and they continued on. The guards at the castle gate saluted her as they entered, and then it was a matter of making it back to Asgore's house. The king welcomed them in, giving them each a hug as he explained how worried he'd been. Sans was not so concerned--he was blinking awake after napping in front of the fire all evening, and slowly shuffled to join everyone else at the table as they settled in.

Undyne sat next to Alphys, and squeezed her hand as she took a deep breath--and began explaining her experiment and how it had all gone wrong. Asgore listened, eyes wide--then glistening as he listened to her struggles, and Alphys found her other hand engulfed by his as he leaned across the table, moved to tears.

"Oh Doctor Alphys, I had no idea! You should have said something, oh--there there, it is alright,  we will get it all sorted out. I'm very glad everyone is alright, even if it didn't turn out like we'd hoped."

"S-so... you're not... mad that I failed? And lied about it for so long?" Alphys asked timidly, and he sat back with a heavy sigh.

"I do wish you'd told me how things were going, but... to be honest, I know how you feel. I do not want war or power, but... The people need hope, and I promised them freedom. I do not feel I can go back on my war declaration when that is what has given everyone something to work for. It is.. difficult to do the right thing... especially when so many people are counting on you."

Alphys blinked, rubbing at her own eyes. "Th... Thank you, Asgore. Everyone should be able to go back home... I can only hope their families will take it as well as you did."

Asgore smiled. "Alphys, though they may be changed, they did not Fall Down thanks to you. I think everyone should be very happy about that."

"Y-yeah. I guess... I guess I g-got too caught up in thinking about it as a failure, and not recognizing the small bit of good that came out of it," Alphys surmised, and Asgore patted her shoulder gently.

"That is how you keep moving forward, my dear. Speaking of moving forward... if that is the full story there... I think it's time we discussed the brothers' predicament. Here, I will make us fresh tea."

He got up, and Undyne squeezed Alphys in a side-hug.

"See? We told you it'd be okay."

"Y-yeah. I... Thanks again. For being there for me."

Undyne caught the looks the brothers exchanged with one another, but they said nothing so neither would she. "Of course, Alphys. Anytime."

Asgore returned with more tea, and spoke as he poured and passed a cup to everyone. "Now then, with a nice fresh cup, tell me this other story, about the beast of Snowdin and how it wasn't really a beast but two nice young men with a strange ability."

Between the four of them, they relayed the different parts of the story. Asgore tried to stay resolute, but on hearing how the brothers had separated, struggled with powerful instincts, and reunited, his eyes were glistening again. Once they got through explaining their origin, the dam had burst once more, and he dabbed at his eyes with a lavender kerchief. He managed to listen to the rest without openly sobbing, but had to take a few deep breaths to steady himself once they'd finished. He rose, and knelt. The brothers turned to face him, and he cupped their heads in his hands.

"Sans, Papyrus... I am so, so sorry that you both have suffered so much, seemingly from my orders to find some way to gain an advantage over the humans. I do not remember this former scientist, but had I known what he was doing--creating living things and using them as tools--I would not have allowed it. I hope you can forgive me."

"It's okay," Papyrus spoke up, raising his head from Asgore's palm to place a paw on it. "No one knew about it, even the people who worked for him."

"you shouldn't blame yourself for the actions of someone else who took advantage of your trust. it was their choice to do that, not yours. that said... maybe you should keep in better touch with your scientists going forward," Sans added, glancing over at Alphys, who nodded in agreement.

"I'll admit, science has never been my strong point..." Asgore replied, drawing back and scratching his beard in embarrassment. "I'm afraid it all just goes over my head, so, I've had to trust what my scientists say... Perhaps I am a fool..."

"In my opinion, it takes a special kind of jerk to do what Gaster did," Undyne spoke up. "Alphys didn't want anyone mad at her--she already had your permission for the experiment. Gaster... he took your orders and twisted them into meaning he could do whatever he wanted, and kept exactly what he was doing from you the whole time."

Asgore nodded gravely. "Indeed. I wish I could help you boys more, as you had hoped, but..."

"s'ok, it's good enough to know you wouldn't be down with the whole 'living weapon' thing."

"No... though war makes us do terrible things... creating life and treating it so callously is inexcusable. If there is anything I can do for you two, please let me know. Alphys, seeing as the Determination experiment is over... you have my permission to work on whatever project strikes you as most promising. If that is helping the brothers, that is quite alright."

"Th-thank you, sir."

"Fantastic! This will be Alphys' most important assignment yet, because the assignment is me!" Papyrus beamed, tail lashing with excitement. "And my brother too of course, but, he's not going to be joining the Royal Guard when all this is over."

"Hey, you still gotta get through me," Undyne laughed. "Let's work on getting you back to your old self, then we can talk about recruitment."

"Oh fine," Papyrus sighed. "But, it's still happening."

Asgore chuckled. "I'm sure. Well my friends, I do not know if it has been a pleasant evening, so to speak... but I'm very glad you came and told me all this. May we all be able to move forward more wisely, and you have luck with your efforts."

"I-I think I'm going to find out what I can from the old labs. There seem to be sections I've n-never seen... M-maybe I can salvage data from the old drives, and have some numbers to compare to the brother's current states--maybe even... maybe even figure out how Gaster was able to do this at all. A monster's body is tied to their soul, so for a monster to be able to change their body... A-anyway, I need data. S-so, that's where I'll start."

"I cannot begin to fathom what that entails, but... I can only trust that you know what to do," Asgore said, giving a small smile.

"W-well, I'll do my best to summarize the reports once I have something," Alphys said, and he patted her head.

"Alright my friends, it is getting late and I am afraid I must retire for the evening. Please take care, and let me know how it goes."

"You can count on us," Undyne said, saluting him, and the others nodded.

"Good. I will see you soon."

They finally left, and Alphys sighed with audible relief. "I was soooo worried you guys, oh my god. B-but! It worked out! I d-don't have to hide anything anymore! W-which means--! Undyne, I--"

"Yeah?"

Alphys trembled, slowly turning red again. "I--I--I have a new anime I wanna show you! We can, u-um, see it later, if you want."

"Cool! Does it have fighting in it this time?"

"U-uh, n-no, b-but--it has--a g-girl--who's good? At fighting?? B-but also... maybe... k-kissing..."

Undyne furrowed her brow. "Huh. Well, I'm sure it'll be great. We can watch that after I help you get the amalgamates home, okay?"

"O-oh, you... really want to help with that?"

"Sure! The guard knows where everyone lives, so we can help escort everyone. But, not tonight. I gotta agree with Asgore, it's pretty late."

"It's early if you don't sleep!" Papyrus offered.

"and if you do," Sans added, and Papyrus swatted at him--a move he dodged easily. "anyway, me and my bro are headed home. let us know when you wanna do science stuff, alph."

"O-of course! Like I said, I want to see what I can find out from the labs first, and I'll contact you when I have more information."

"A brilliant plan Dr. Alphys! We'll talk again soon, and finally find the solution to this most persistent of problematic happenstances. Goodnight!"

In a blink, they were gone.

Alphys shook her head. "Not gonna lie, I wanna look into how he does that t-too..."

Undyne snorted. "Guess you better add it to your project list. Here, I'll walk you to the lab."

"Oh... th-thank you."

They spent the rest of the walk back talking about anything that came to mind; anime, science,  a new song Undyne had been working on. It was a nice way to finish out the evening after a long day at work, and then feeling like something awful had happened to someone Undyne cared about so much. If only she could find the right words to say, finally write a letter that could express all the feelings she had for Alphys... but this was nice enough. It seemed like Alphys really liked hanging out with her, and even if she didn't feel the same way, Undyne was glad she knew her.

She was looking forward to seeing her more.

[lambourngb]

re: your tags on that one post abt plotholes in rnm: what are the plotholes that make you lose the most sleep?

(this is my main btw, my rnm blog is @curlyguerin )

Hi! Okay... strap in, because there are a lot of little and big things that wiggle into my thoughts and makes me wonder ...am I the only one who couldn't follow that plotline?

In my opinion RNM suffers more from abandoned narratives and continuity errors than plot holes I guess, since we only have 2 seasons, with at least 2 more to go I guess I can hope they come back to these issues... but: [Under the cut plus some spoilers for season 3]

Things I would like explained :

1. What did Jesse Manes fund with family money in 1x08 ? I'm guessing it was surveillance of the town and the search for more aliens that could have escaped the military in 1947-1948. The idea that Jesse funded Caulfield is just laughable to me, along with how he was able to get his Army-assigned son moved from Germany to New Mexico for 5 years and no one noticed?? Caulfield has to be separate from whatever Jesse was doing in Roswell. Clearly there is still an ACTIVE military project focused on aliens because Flint isn't AWOL, Flint also takes Noah's body to Area 51, so where was Jesse in violation of his orders (Alex's threat to Jesse in 1x08 and then shipping him to Niger)? Surveilling citizens and setting up cameras all over town?

2. Did they ever build an Air Force base on the Fosters Homestead Ranch? (1x01-1x02) ...then it's never mentioned again.

3. I am aware I am the only one who cares about this little bit, but the show seemed to set up a narrative in season 1 about the spotlight Roswell shined white victims of crimes - like Katie and Jasmine, that the town of Roswell holds quite a lot of racism regarding justice- vilifying Rosa for over 10 years, ignoring the deaths of people around Ranchero Night, and then Noah kills Wyatt Long's best friend Hank Gibbons in 1x13. I dunno, I was expecting more from Wyatt in season 2 about this than picking a fight with Michael over Mimi's missing persons sheet and showing up with a crossbow in 2x04. And like, there was a theme of people going missing in season 2!! Mimi, Jenna, the weird twins from 2x06, Charlie -- but yet, no closer scrutiny by Sheriff Valenti other than her focus on Max Evans and the story about Mexico- Like this felt not like a plot hole, but a dropped narrative -- to wrap up the fate of Racist Hank in a missing persons sheet in 2x01. To treat him weirdly like all of Noah's other victims (who were women and men of color and poor), but for a few factors like he was white, he had actual lines in the show over a couple of episodes, and he's one of the few townspeople we learn his first and last name still sticks out in my mind as strange. The Doylist explanation is the actor wasn't available for season 2, but the Watson-perspective of this is just someone the in-show universe doesn't care about ...? Okay. I will keep that in mind, and try to ignore the fact that the town of Roswell swings wildly back to caring about white victims again in 2x13 with Jesse Manes.

4. The Alighting from 1x13 - just how far away was it from happening? Noah was ready to stick a sheriff's deputy, the town event planner and Michael (who probably would be been the only one to go missing without much fanfare, except maybe by Alex) into a pod...for how long? Months? Years? What was his endgame? how did he expect to go unnoticed by the town while he waited for his alien salvation/alien UBER to arrive? Could he just mindwarp everyone into forgetting about the pod squad? Since we didn't see any alien ships show up in the six months from 1x13 to 2x13, and no further follow up by any of our heroes about what Noah was babbling about... I'm going to say this should come back into play for season 3, otherwise it's the most egregious plot hole from season 1.

5. Why did Flint want to work with Helena? Jesse had this master plan that Helena knew all about apparently but she never shares the plan with Flint? Jesse never shares this plan with Flint either? Why? As far as I can tell from the plot of season 2, Jesse takes the console piece from Alex, he was going to kill Alex to keep him out of the way, use the console to blow up civilians, he created a paper trail that pointed the finger at Max, and then when everyone knew the truth about aliens, he was going to use HIS atomizer bomb to release the toxin that Charlie had already developed for Project Shepherd to kill all the aliens.... WHY would Flint want to stop that, especially since they fight in 2x11 over how slow Jesse was moving in his plans? Other than objecting to killing Alex, why would Flint turn Alex over to Helena to blackmail Michael into building a second atomizer bomb? He should have just kept Alex out of the way until it was all over and let Jesse proceed with his plans. Flint's desire to work with Helena Ortecho remains a plot hole to me, that is explained in the most flimsy way of he thinks his dad isn't serious about killing all the aliens even though he has the means? And if he takes Alex from Jesse's control so easily, why not steal the bomb Jesse had too?

6. These are more gripes about continuity, not really plot holes, but the fact we have this loose timeline of events but it doesn't match the weather of filming.... Like Heather Hemmens looked so gorgeous in that little silk outfit in 2x01, but she's wandering outside in Dec in Roswell New Mexico looking like that. I get that it was filmed in August/Sept of 2019 but come on... so my main frustration is I have no idea what season and month is supposed to be on screen. Universe timeline says Winter but filming schedule meant it was early fall with still having the heat of summer there...then the show ends in May/June in the universe, but we all know RNM wrapped in Dec 2019/Jan 2020 so they are all bundled up in winter again.

7. Also on continuity, small things like Rosa's birthday being wrong, the fact her astrological sign isn't Pieces for either date, openly letting Greg Manes see Rosa, not seeming to care that Liz's ex-fiance hears that Rosa is alive - like i'm sure her "dead" sister came up in conversation between Liz/Diego

- the show gives us this beautiful conversation with Michael sharing his background with Alex in 1x10, but then Alex completely forgets it in 2x04 by dropping some line like "this is what you do with family" when Michael expresses confusion about a height chart. Also, on the same note- the jabs about the Library being a dive bar, also felt like a drop in continuity because Alex knows that Michael just lost his mom (1x12) , the government IS studying aliens, and his brother is in a pod, so like, he has some very valid reasons to drink if that's what he wanted to do with in his life in early season 2!! but, also he knows Michael is a genius??

- Why Alex never mentions Rosa, Isobel's blackouts/why Michael gave up UNM, or even hint about what happened with his dad in the shed during his conversation with Maria in 2x05 is also beyond bizarre to me. It was an "information" dump conversation that Alex still doesn't share all the information he has about a situation and just ends up looking kind of judgmental in my opinion.

- the truck conversation in 2x06 between Maria and Alex, why Maria prompts a girl's name when Alex says he's never been in a real relationship INSTEAD of addressing the very real elephant in the room, Michael Guerin, that they had a conversation about in 2x05- also feels like a gap in continuity.

8. Science wise- the pathogen that Charlie developed? It was supposed to be so specific that it could kill a leader of Al Quada and all of their direct descendants but leave the rest of the population unharmed. [Which um, that's a war crime, but whatever!] How was Maria affected? the DNA they had at Caulfield to develop it - like, Maria was descended from Louise and Louise lived free. The only person that pathogen SHOULD have affected was Michael (if they used Nora to base it on) Unless you're telling me that there's some protein in "alien dna" that is so specific to aliens, that no other human shares it, but also so completely undetectable that Kyle couldn't find it in Maria's blood... ? I suppose it's possible. I hope we get more explanation about that in season 3. It makes me wonder why Caulfield/Project Shepherd ever let Patty Harris go after she volunteered for some study then, and remained content to just pay her medical bills through a fake insurance company? [But also didn't flag Mimi and all the doctors that Maria took her to???]

9. Michael's hand. I'm going to reserve judgment about this, because some of my salt on this is based on season 3 promo pictures, but I really thought that moment in 2x13 when he takes off his hat, while Alex is singing, you see him without the wrapping on his hand, that maybe he found some peace with Jesse dead and demolishing the shed with Alex. But then it looks like the hand-danna is all over season 3, right up until the finale of season 3, so... was that a mistake in wardrobe AND not a beautiful moment of character growth??? I wish I could extend some grace to RNM about that, but alas... see above for why I have trust issues.

10. Perhaps I wasn't watching season 1 closely, but I thought Noah's madness was brought on by the fact he was stuck in his pod? That it was "lower class travel accommodations" and Isobel's scream at 13 got his attention? I assumed that he stayed in the pod, possessing Isobel on and off, right up until he used her body to kill Rosa in 2008, absorbing enough power to break out. So how did Noah find Jim Valenti so quickly? If it was through Isobel's memories, then why did Jim not immediately have Noah, some random alien approaching him about his recently dead daughter, hauled off to Caulfield? Jim pays $1,000 for Rosa's body, putting her in a pod [Noah's broken pod??] and stores her, waiting for...something? An alien to come along to bring her back. So did Jim know about The Savior? Why would Jim work with Noah and vice versa? Again, I'm hoping we get more about this in season 3.

11. Was there a point of keeping Alex in the Air Force? He arranges a place for them to work on bringing Max back, but I feel like anyone could have done that? Like Isobel had money, she could have rented a storage facility. All of the equipment was borrowed from the hospital, not the military. The information about 1947-1948 was from the drives decoded from Caulfield or the AAR report left by Flint in the Project Shepherd bunker (which again was decommissioned, not an active military installation). I could support the decision if it had provided some richness to the plot or some conflict within the character, neither of which really happened. Alex hacking the government and going undercover in the Air Force to protect Michael is basically fanon. I love that fanon, but alas...

12. Finally, the time jump. What year are we jumping into? 2020? 2021? Why does it make me think none of those questions above will be answered.

[mst3kproject]

The Ape

In the vein of movies that should not be confused with eerily similar previous entries, The Ape is distinct from The Ape Man... but not by much.  Both feature a slumming horror superstar, glandular secretions, and a stupid gorilla suit.  All these things also showed up in early seasons of MST3K, of course, and The Ape Man also has a surprise bonus.  Apparently, the guy in the gorilla costume is none other than Crash Corrigan, of Undersea Kingdom!

Long ago, Dr. Adrien lost his daughter to polio, and ever since he's been obsessed with finding a cure.  That sounds pretty noble, but unfortunately, Adrien is a mad doctor, so the cure he comes up with requires killing healthy people to drain them of their cerebralspinal fluid!  In order not to arouse suspicion, he kills and skins a gorilla that escaped from a circus, and wears its hide when he murders people... you know, as one does. To nobody's surprise but his, he ends up getting shot, but hey, at least he cured beautiful young Frances' paralysis!

This is a weird, dumb movie but one thing I can say in its favour is that everybody seems to have given it a good try.  This material was far beneath Boris Karloff but he takes it seriously and actually gets a couple of decent moments, as does Maris Wrixton (who was also in The Face of Marble) as Frances.  Nobody else is even close to Karloff's level, being just bland 40's actors who talk too fast, but none of the main cast are phoning it in, either.

Conversely, the worst thing in the movie is its truly horrendous gorilla suit.  The puppet face shows the actor's eyes and can curl its lip, which is cool, though the features don't look very gorilla-ish.  The rest of the suit, however, is terrible. It's way too shaggy and in order to give it a gorilla-like silhouette, they stuck a big hunchback on it.  This might have worked if Corrigan had tried to walk on all fours like gorillas actually do, but instead he waddles along upright like a toddler with a full diaper, which ruins it.  The people who made the movie also appear to think gorillas are nocturnal which, for the record, they are not.

Gorillas were kind of a big thing in movies of the 40's and 50's.  The species had been scientifically described a century earlier, but hadn't really been studied until the 1920s and most people had never seen one outside of King Kong. Films of the period were not kind to the gorilla.  One of the first gorilla movies was 1930's Ingagi, which purported to be a documentary about gorillas kidnapping women as sex slaves.  That kind of set the tone, and subsequent movies depicted gorillas as creatures prone to violence and rape.  Examples from this blog alone are numerous: The Ape Man (1940), Panther Girl of the Kongo (1955), and Bride of the Gorilla (1951) for starters... Robot Monster (1953) might also count.

The Ape has a slightly more nuanced approach to gorilla behaviour.  Yes, its gorilla does maul people to death... but the first victim is its trainer, who has been shown mistreating it.  Another circus employee even tries to tell him that he'll catch more flies with honey.  When the ape batters its way into Dr. Adrien's house, it does so in order to get at the trainer's coat, which Adrien left draped over a chair when the dying man was brought to him for treatment.  We see far more fear of the escaped ape than we do of the animal itself, and it does not commit near as many murders as Adrien does while dressed in its skin!

So that's halfway progressive for the 1940s.  We can also look at the treatment of Frances, the wheelchair-user partially paralyzed by polio.  She is clearly meant to be an object of the audience's pity, and Adrien is obsessed with making her able to walk again – as he could not do for his own daughter.  To some extent the movie infantilizes her, as she is clearly dependent on her mother, unable to have much of a social life, and her boyfriend Danny professes his willingness to 'take care of her'.  When she regains movement in her legs at the end of the movie, she and her mother immediately burn her wheelchair.  Apparently she's not allowed to build up her stamina slowly... if she walks ten minutes from home and then can't continue, she's just gotta sit there until she recovers or somebody finds her.

On the other hand, Frances' family aren't trying to force Adrien's possible cure on her, but let her choose it for herself. Her mother doesn't mind looking after her, and Danny is happy to accommodate her by, for example, hiring a cart so she can accompany him to the circus.  Danny in particular is very suspicious of the fact that the injections Adrien gives to Frances are causing her pain, and takes the doctor to task for it, telling him he would rather have her disabled and happy than walking but in pain.  “I'd rather carry her around all my life!” he says.  Her loved ones are willing to try for the cure, but it doesn't seem like anyone will be miserable if it fails.  Frances herself wistfully admires the acrobats at the circus, but shows no anger or bitterness that she cannot be like them.

Frances is even allowed some initiative, as she hurries down the road in her wheelchair calling to Dr. Adrien and trying to warn him that the gorilla is in the area.  This, ironically, is what leads to Adrien getting shot, as it attracts the attention of the posse hunting the animal.  But as Adrien lies dying, he gets to see Frances standing for the first time in ten years, so I guess we're meant to think this was all worth it.

But was it?  Several people died in order to provide the spinal fluid that helped Frances heal.  The movie shows them as terrified of Dr. Adrien and/or the gorilla, but other than that it is oddly uninterested in their fates.  None of the deaths are presented as tragedies, with families left in mourning... the only family we hear about for the gorilla trainer is a father who is already dead, and another one of the victims was an asshole who told his wife if she didn't like him cheating on her she could always drown herself(!??).  So... are we supposed to think they don't matter?  That their deaths are acceptable because they helped Frances – who was not dying or even deteriorating, and was satisfied with her life as it was – to a cure?

It is notable that we do not see what happens when Frances finds out that people had to die for her to be able to walk.  She would have to reassess her opinion of Dr. Adrien, whom until now she has thought of as a loving father figure.  She would have to figure out what this means for her future and perhaps need reassurance that she is not culpable.  Her unconcerned happiness at the end suggests that nobody bothered to tell her, and that she has not yet made the connection herself.  This is really quite unfortunate, because it deprives Frances of her only real chance to be a character rather than a plot point – which is ultimately all she is here.

Nobody else is shown dealing with the aftermath, either.  The town has long mistrusted Dr. Adrien because of rumours that he was experimenting on his patients, and a recent spate of missing dogs is shown to be his fault.  An early scene shows a group of boys bothering the doctor by throwing rocks at his house (which made me wonder if toilet paper hadn't been invented yet. According to Wikipedia, it dates to 1857, so there's your Fun Fact for the day). Seeing their worst fears realized really ought to have some effect on the people.  Even if nobody bothers to tell Frances how her miraculous cure was effected, others will surely figure it out and have to weigh up what he achieved versus the crimes he committed to get there.

Yeah, I know: this is a movie about a guy killing people while wearing a dead gorilla.  I'm thinking too hard.

Finally, I want to note some interesting possible connections between The Ape and a number of other movies I've seen.  Both The Ape and The Ape Man appear to have been inspired by the 1932 movie Murders in the Rue Morgue, which also features a gorilla and injections of bodily fluids in the name of mad science, and did not feature very much resemblance to Edgar Allen Poe's story of the same name.  I don't know if these films directly inspired each other, and it's been ages since I saw Rue Morgue... but the combination of plot elements here seems weirdly specific to be something different people came up with independently.  I should watch all three again and see if I notice any more similarities between them.

There are also interesting likenesses between The Ape and another Boris Karloff movie, 1945's The Grave Robber.  The latter is the story of a doctor who needs fresh corpses as part of his research, which culminates in surgery to allow a paralyzed girl to walk again.  The doctor in this film is more a victim than a villain, himself, as he finds that the man he's been paying to rob graves for him is actually murdering the homeless, and he can't expose this criminal without jeopardizing his work and incriminating himself.  It's been a long time since I saw this movie, either (as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I've had some shit going on and I haven't had a lot of time for movies, bad or otherwise), so I can't actually say if it's better than The Ape, but it's definitely less silly.

Anyway, the moral of this story is vaccinate your fucking kids or a gorilla will kill you.

[hisunshiine]

Escape ✈︎ Chapter 4

✈︎ chapter 4: you have been cordially invited... |✈︎ Escape Series—18+, Mature     

   ✈︎ genre: fluff, future smut

   ✈︎ word count: 2,736 words 

   ✈︎ pairing: jungkook x [redacted] (at the very end)

   ✈︎ warnings: alcohol consumption

   ✈︎ summary: A look into what it's like arriving to Bangtania...

| series masterlist | previous | next | hisunshiine | mrsparkjimin18 |

Everyday, since the very beginning when it was announced, you have sat at your computer or been on your phone in order to participate in the giveaway for a chance to go to Bangtania Island. Every week, one lucky person has a chance to win an exclusive invitation from the girls who organized it, all expenses paid for them to relocate out there.  

Friday couldn’t have come soon enough; your job was draining. A typical 9-5, doing office work was monotonous and you slogged through the week waiting for your weekends to come. Despite the wish to find something else, nobody was hiring in your city. Not for anything you wanted to do, anyways. Deep in your gut you felt the need for something more, instead of the repetitious clacking of your fingers against the keyboard, answering the phones, and feeling like a machine.

Fortunately, it’s the weekend, so you decide to stop and grab a bottle of wine and make your way home. You’re ready to unwind with some youtube videos and spend time browsing your social media for anything interesting. You pour a glass of wine and relax on the sofa, open your laptop and log in to twitter. You have a few notifications, including an update from the giveaway page, they had posted there was another winner chosen and that the winner would receive an email shortly.

“That was 30 minutes ago!?” You squeal to yourself, an unexplainable feeling creeping over you.

Just then your phone chimes, and you unlock the screen to check your notifications. You have multiple email notifications, so you check your email app as you sip your wine. Scrolling through them, it’s mainly junk mail, you see one that catches your eye.

Sender Name: Bangtania Island Mayor

Subject: You have been cordially invited…

Y/N,

Congratulations! You have been selected as the next lucky winner to be invited to Bangtania Island. In order to accept this invitation, please click on the link and fill out the application. Documents you may need to gather prior to completing the forms in the link are:

Driver’s License

Social Security Card

Passport

Please make sure to include the earliest date for you to travel, and please have your physical completed prior to boarding the plane. All documents needed are attached to the email. Please make sure to electronically sign them and reply to this email with the completed documents. If you have any questions in regards to the forms, please do not hesitate to reach out. Upon completion of all required documents per your reply email, you will receive your e-ticket for travel.

The following are the guidelines and stipulations for traveling to Bangtania Island:

You will receive a one-way ticket, free of cost. You will be picked up from the airport and transported to the boat, which will bring you to the island. You will be given a limited amount of time to decide if you would like to stay as a permanent resident of Bangtania, approximately 2 weeks. Prior to you being granted full access to the island, you will meet with the Deputy Mayor who will greet you at the dock, completing a brief in-person interview. If you decide to leave or prove unfit for the island at that time, a complimentary ticket home will be provided to you up until the 2-week window.

Thank you,

Vanessa

Deputy Mayor of the Mayor’s Office, Bangtania Island

You couldn’t stop yourself from spilling some wine as you low-key panicked. You knew there was a very good possibility of being chosen; some of your mutuals on twitter had already left to go there, and while you had seen them briefly on the TL, it was never for long and they didn’t say anything other than that they were enjoying themselves immensely and to share the sweepstakes link.

You set down what was left of your wine that hadn’t spilt into your lap, and ran around your room, pulling clothes off of their hangers and out of your dresser drawers before you remembered you hadn’t even clicked the link to complete the forms. 

Pausing in the middle of your bedroom, arms filled with random clothes, you took 7 deep breaths to try and calm down before dropping your handful of clothes into your pen and waiting suitcase. Sitting back down, you calmly clicked the link and once transported to the secure website, you filled in the information needed so that your flight could be purchased for you as well as any other accommodations you may need could be handled by the ones in charge. 

You printed out the forms needed for the physical, jotted down some notes to go to the doctor on Monday to complete the form, and decided that the earliest you would be able to fly out was Wednesday. That gives you enough time to go to your job, request use of your vacation hours for the next 2 weeks, and turn in your two week notice. You didn’t ever want to come back to that shit hole.

You celebrated the news by turning up your bluetooth speaker and blasting your favorite upbeat BTS songs while you packed up everything you would need. Hasta La Vista!

Catching your flight was easier than you thought it would be, as you had an upgraded flight in first class. You were given star treatment, access to a separate waiting area with complimentary food and drinks, less people to deal with, comfortable seats, the works. You couldn’t believe that ARMY was able to provide all of this for you, but who were you to complain? 

The boat ride was also nice, more like taking a large yacht across the water to the island, you stood at the bough of the boat for most of the trip, enjoying the view as you became farther and farther away from everything that was shitty about your life and closer to everything you wanted. An escape into a world that was full of other people who were like you, liked the same music, had the same mindset, and you got to do it all on a paradise island? Hell fucking yeah.

After docking, you rolled your luggage behind you as you disembarked from the ramp, and saw a girl waiting for you. She was short but cute, a friendly smile and aura of being in charge. Her cheeks were slightly sunburnt, but you were envious of the way she looked refreshed, skin glowing. You couldn’t wait for that to be you; sunkissed and relaxed from the ocean breeze and too many margaritas.

“Y/n?” She asked, and you nodded.

“Welcome! I’m Vanessa, I hope that your trip went well?”

“Oh yea, it was awesome, thank you!”

“No problem, congratulations on winning! So before we go off to the fun stuff, we have a brief interview and a few more things to go over, and then I’ll give you a tour of the island and show you to your place. If you’ll follow me?”

Vanessa led the way to a golf cart and you climbed on, your luggage secured in the back seat of the cart. She turned the key, and you were speeding off towards a large house. It was painted white with accents of brick, and green ivy climbing lattices. The windows were large and beautiful, and you felt like you had seen them somewhere before. Like they were in a magazine or some type of professional photos or something. You shrugged off the feeling of deja vu, and followed Vanessa into the house.

The windows were open and provided a good amount of sunlight into the entryway, and you tried to take in as much as you could see as Vanessa walked past a staircase and led you towards the back of the house and into a side room. It was an office, with bright white walls and a large sturdy desk. A bookshelf was the entire wall behind the desk, where she now sat at. 

She gestured to the plush chair in front of her desk and you sat down, suddenly nervous. For such a large house, it was pretty quiet, and you wondered where all the other people were. Was this actually all an elaborate trick to sell you into sex trafficking and you were brought here to die?!

You calmed your thoughts once you heard laughter from somewhere above you, and music playing lightly from another area of the house.

“So, once again, welcome! I am the deputy mayor here, and basically in charge of getting you all settled. We are a formal nation, Bangtania, with a president, a whole government system, and we’re working on expanding the businesses here. Before I can reveal anything more to you, I do need to have you sign the Non-Disclosure Agreement here in person. I know that I sent it to you via email for you to read and electronically sign, but I like to cover all of my bases.”

Like clockwork, another woman walked into the open office door, carrying a glass of wine and some papers. She took a sip and handed the papers to Vanessa, who thanked her as she headed back out of the room. The woman blew a kiss and disappeared around the corner.

“That’s my best friend, Talia, and definitely the reason that all of this was even put into motion,” Vanessa said as she shuffled the papers before straightening them gently by tapping the edges on the desk. She stapled the corner, binding the papers together, and passed it over to you.

“I know you read over most of this, but I want to reiterate a few points anyways. From the moment you leave this office, you are not to share with anyone about the other people on this island. When you first applied to the giveaway sweepstakes, you gave us your social media handles. While we won’t take away social media from you, your posts will be monitored for identifying certain people who wish to remain anonymous while here. Please always ask anyone before posting and triple check photos as well.”

She points to a section and you initial, stating you understand.

“You have a two week period here to see how you like it. You don’t have to stay if you do not want to. After that time, you will be issued a passport for Bangtania, a resident ID, and be included in our census. You will have dual citizenship for here and for your home country as well.”

“If you choose to leave within the 2 week window, it’s no charge. If you choose to leave after, you will have to fund your flight home yourself. We will pay for your boat ride back to the mainland, and from there you can negotiate work or if you have money saved just in case, you can fly out. Also, if you choose to stay, you can always fly out to visit friends and family, just remember the NDA is always in affect.”

You initialed again.

Vanessa led you through a few more sections of the contract, and you learned that a few of the girls on the island were nurses and so if you were sick or needed minor medical attention, they would help you. Everything else was pretty much provided to you, and all they asked was that they could use your skills in return. 

You weren’t surprised they knew you had skills with computers and answering phones, which made you a perfect candidate to work in the main house under Vanessa doing secretarial work for her best friend, Talia. It wouldn’t be a lot of work, you would have plenty of time to enjoy the beach and rest, and the work would be related to the giveaway, running the island, and other fun BTS related things, so you were excited.

Signing your last signature on the bottom of the last page, Vanessa took the document, notarized it, and put it away in a locked filing cabinet next to her desk.

“Now, if you’re ready, I’d love to give you a tour of the island and show you where you’ll be staying.”

After seeing the main areas that people hung out at, you went towards what looked like a restaurant, which was good because you were hungry. Vanessa parked the golf cart next to a few others, and she held the door open for you.

You almost fainted. Seated at the table right when you walked in was none other than the 7 boys that were the reason you lived. BTS. Namjoon, Jimin, Yoongi, Taehyung, and Jungkook were sat at the table, and as you looked around, you saw that in between them sat other girls, including mutuals you knew were living here. Hobi appeared from swinging doors that led to what you assumed was the kitchen, delivering plates of food from a platter as a few girls followed him as well with drinks.

“C’mon Y/N, don’t be shy. Isn’t this what you wanted?” Vanessa laughed, taking in your shocked expression.

After eating, and sharing some conversation with Jin and Yoongi, you were ready for a nap. Jin was an exceptional cook, and you were full to the brim. Vanessa waved bye to everyone, a lingering hand on a certain male’s shoulder as she walked away, leading you back outside. As you sat back on the leather seat of the cart, she checked in with you.

“I’m definitely still in shock, but now I understand the NDA a lot more.” You chuckled as she drove you towards another house. It was just as big as the main house, as you heard several people call it, but the style was more relaxed and upon entering it, you realized it was because it was lived in. It was two stories, with a large open concept downstairs with a living room and kitchen, and rooms upstairs. You dragged your suitcase up the flight and Vanessa unlocked a room for you with a key before handing it to you.

“This is our newcomer guest room. We will have a room ready for you after your 2 weeks are up, if you decide to stay. For now, most people have said staying with me and Talia has been helpful if they had questions or needed anything, but any of the girls will help you, everyone is super nice.”

You looked around the room; it was spacious with a nice big bay window that allowed a decent amount of sunlight in.

“I’ll leave you to get settled in. Feel free to explore some more, and tomorrow we will have our weekly game night so you can meet everyone in a more relaxed setting and have fun. It’s our way of welcoming you to Bangtania.”

Vanessa let herself out of the room, closing the door softly. You wanted to explore, but at the moment the bed was calling to you. You lay down in the spot where the sun was pooling, curling yourself into the warmth and passed out. Jet Lag was a bitch.

When you finally rejoined the waking world, it was definitely not waking hours. The sun had set, and you shiver, the ocean breeze now too cool in your bedroom. You get up, throwing a MOTS tour hoodie on, and climb back in the bed, attempting to go back to sleep. Tossing and turning for about 15 minutes, sleep evades you. You must have caught up on all of your missing sleep with that ‘nap’ you took. Like you said, Jet lag is a bitch. Not wanting to continue to lay there restless, you slip out of the room and down the stairs.

You walk along the road, past other houses, finding yourself walking into sand. Sitting on the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves, you finally begin to feel tired. Rather than fall asleep on the beach, you make your way back to the house.

You head up the stairs and start down the hall, being as quiet as possible since it’s late and everyone is asleep. At least you assume they are all asleep, until you hear a very familiar voice coming from Vanessa’s room.

“Come here Princess, why are you acting this way?” You step closer to the door that is slightly ajar. You can’t believe what you are seeing, but you can’t stop watching either.

↣ all rights reserved © hisunshiine & mrsparkjimin18 2020-2021. please do not repost. translations & modifications are not allowed.

[sheerfreesia007]

Fallin’ All In You (Pt. 64)

Title: Fallin’ All In You (Pt. 64)

Pairing: Agent Whiskey x Reader

Author: @sheerfreesia007​​

Words: 2,881

Warnings: Fluff, it’s all fluff

Tags: @synystersilenceinblacknwhite​, @two-unbeatable-beaters​, @randomness501​, @sevvysaurus​, @paryl​, @talesfromtheguild​, @secretsihideinside​, @agingerindenial​, @mrschiltoncat​

Permanent Tag List: @paintballkid711​, @fioccodineveautunnale​, @phoenixhalliwell​

Author Notes: This was super cute to write for me. Story time: when I found out I was pregnant, even though we were trying to get pregnant, I panicked my brain is wired a little oddly and worry and panic take up most of my brain space. So I just texted my husband while he was at work that I was preggo. Not romantic at all. But I made up for it with all the cute stuff once the beast was here earthside. So this has a little bit of my own experience and what I wished I had done. I hope you all enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated!

Gif Credit: Google

You stared at the plastic white and blue stick with the biggest smile on your face. Joy and elation coursed through you and you couldn’t help the tears that pooled in your eyes as your eyes stared focused at the plus sign in the little window. Pregnant. 

         Never in your life did you think something so simple as a positive sign could bring you so much joy. And then suddenly it hit you, you were pregnant. 

         “Oh goodness this is gonna change everything.” you said softly to yourself as a panic settled over you quickly. Were you ready for this? Is anyone ever truly ready to be a parent? As the panic seemed to ebb and flow over you, you took in steadying deep breaths trying to control your out of control emotions. There was happiness that flowed over you, panic that set your nerves on alert, excitement that made you giddy, doubt about what your future would hold, and finally love overshadowed all of them. You and Jack had created a life that was now nestled inside your body. 

Ever since your wedding four months ago you and Jack had brought up the conversation of having kids quite often. Unfortunately as soon as the two of you had come back from your honeymoon Jack had been placed on missions back to back. His expertise was needed in the field and though you understood it you didn’t like it. 

         You had ceased your birth control the day before your wedding and while your gynecologist had warned you that your cycles probably wouldn’t regulate for at least three months you had hoped it would be sooner. You and Jack had agreed that at first you wouldn’t actively try to get pregnant and let nature take its course. You had stopped using any form of contraceptive while the two of you were together and had enjoyed the intimate time that the two of you were able to get in between missions. 

         In fact if this little test was correct the last time Jack had been home for more than two days two months ago after a very stressful mission would’ve been the conception date. You smiled as you remembered the three days he had gotten off before he had to go back out in the field. Neither one of you had left the bed those three days for anything more than bathroom breaks and to collect the take out you had delivered to the apartment. Sighing softly at the memory your hand softly fell to your stomach as a smile formed on your lips.

           Exhausted, that’s what you were in fact you were beyond exhausted. Walking into the apartment building you greet Jeffrey with a nod and a wave as you head straight for the elevator. You had just finished up with your first doctor visit and had found out that you’re eight weeks pregnant! It had taken you at least a week to get the doctor appointment after you took your first pregnancy test but the doctor had reassured you that everything was fine and given you plenty of reading material along with telling you that you should start taking prenatal vitamins to help the baby along. He had even been able to take an ultrasound where you saw the tiny little bundle of cells forming inside of you. The picture wasn’t much to your eyes, you really couldn’t see anything yet but the doctor had promised that there was a baby growing there.

         You were excited to get up into your apartment so that you could finally relax after the tiring day that you had at work and at the doctor’s office. Jack was supposed to be coming home tomorrow afternoon and he had been promised that he wouldn’t be put on any more missions for at least two months. You were relieved to finally have your husband home with you for a good amount of time and couldn’t wait to share the news with him that you were going to be parents.

         You had planned it all out and ordered the ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ mug that you knew he’d love along with the ‘Promoted to Daddy’ t-shirt that you bought him and the ultrasound picture that the doctor had given you today. Both items were already wrapped in the gift box that sat hidden in the top of your closet. You were excited to gift him with this, and you had planned to make it special by taking him out this weekend to his favorite dinner for breakfast before taking a nice walk around central park before coming back home where you’d have the gifts waiting for him. 

         It had been absolute torture keeping this exciting news from him but you had wanted to make it special for him. You knew he’d be a little upset that you had been keeping this information for a week from him but you knew he’d understand your excitement to plan this for him.Every time that you had gotten Jack on the phone the urge to tell him was almost uncontrollable but luckily you had managed to stave off the urge. You didn’t want to worry him while he was away and that wasn’t how you wanted to tell him.

         Sliding the key into your door you sighed tiredly as you stepped in, your hand immediately taking out your phone and pressing the speed dial for the local chinese food place. You slipped your shoes off as you placed your order over the phone. Keys were discarded into the key bowl on the little table by the door, your jacket was hung in the closet and your purse was placed in the cubby underneath the table. As you moved through the apartment you felt your whole body begin to relax, you were so happy to be home.

         During the week you had known you were pregnant you began to feel the changes to your body. Mornings were usually spent with you battling nausea that never turned into morning sickness just tortured you with that anxiety and anticipation of getting sick. Afternoons were spent with your feet propped up on a high stool so that they didn’t completely ache by the time you left the labs. And evenings were spent with you usually curled up on the couch with take out or a simple dinner and some mindless tv or a movie on until you were too exhausted to move.

         You were excited for all of these changes in your life and your body but as of right now you were wiped out. Your whole body was tired, the little tiny baby growing inside of you was draining you of all energy as they grew. Walking into your bedroom you quickly changed into baggy pj pants and a large shift of Jack’s that still smelled like him. You smiled when you caught a whiff of his scent as it floated off the fabric. Even though he couldn’t be here physically for you there were ways that you kept him here. You sighed again as you moved to the couch to wait for your dinner to be delivered and you began to feel the sated feeling of being home seeping into your body.

           Jack nodded his head to Jeffrey as he entered the apartment building and the man grinned over at him before waving.

         “Good to see back Mr. Daniels. That wife of yours has missed you.” Jeffrey said kindly and Jack grinned right back.

         “I’ve missed her too, Jeffrey. Can’t wait to surprise her by being home early.” Jack responded conversationally as he quickly moved to the elevator. Eagerly pressing the button for your floor he leaned back against the elevator wall. He was more than happy to finally be home and to be able to spend some time being with you. It had been a long few months that he had been away. The little time in between missions hadn’t been enough to sate his desire to be with you. But he had soaked it up all the same, every moment he got with you was never wasted. 

         He idly wondered if you were still awake at this time, it was late almost close to eleven. He knew after speaking with you over the phone that this past month you had been assigned a new lab technician who was more comfortable speaking Hawaiian than English. So you being the kind and accommodating person you were you had set out to learn the Hawaiian language. And while you loved languages and loved learning new languages you were having some trouble connecting with this new lab technician. You had also been a little stressed about the workload lately and with him being gone so much he knew that added to the stress. But he was finally happy that with him being home now that he could help alleviate your stress.

         It wasn’t long before he was walking down the hallway towards the apartment door and sliding his key into the lock. Stepping inside quietly Jack could see down the hallway the flashing lights of the tv in the dark living room. He set his keys in the little key bowl with yours and quietly slipped his boots off and hung up his hat and jacket before setting down his travel bag by the door. 

         Moving down the hallway until he stood in the archway of the living room he smiled softly as he spotted you laying on the couch with a blanket draped over your body. One arm was flung out over the couch to hang in mid air while the other arm was resting above your head on your pillow, your mouth was hanging open and you lay on your back with your head turned towards the tv. 

         There were remnants of your dinner laid out on the coffee table and he quietly cleaned it up for you, setting the leftovers in the fridge. As he moved back to the living room he couldn’t help but admire your sleeping form. You must’ve been tired after work today to be able to just fall dead asleep like this without cleaning up first. He turned the tv off plunging the room in almost darkness, since you had kept one of the living room lights on low, before he carefully pulled the blanket from your body and smirked as he saw that you were wearing one of his shirts.

         Lifting you easily into his arms he settled your head on his chest and you subconsciously curled into him. He felt you hum against his chest and tried to snuggle deeper into his arms. As he started to move down the hall towards your bedroom with you in his arms he felt you stir against him.

         “Jack?” you asked softly and he smiled down at you.

         “I’m here darlin’. We’re just going to bed now.” he said softly.

         “Hmmm, ok. I got something to tell you this weekend.” you mumbled to him as you pressed your face into his chest and took in a deep breath. Jack smiled warmly down at you and your antics. He could tell that you were only half awake right now and the fact that you just sniffed him made his chest clench with affection for you.

         “Ok so then tell me this weekend darlin’.” he responded softly to you and felt your body slowly settle against him again.

         “Hmmm, yeah.” you mumbled sleepily and Jack thought you were sleeping in his arms when he felt you shift against him so that your lips were against his ear. “Hāpai wau.” I’m pregnant. You whispered in his ear and Jack shivered slightly against you.

         “What’d ya say darlin’?” he asked softly but the only response he got from you was a soft snore. Chuckling softly Jack shook his head and walked you into the bedroom and laid you down on your bed. Quickly undressing he slid into bed as well and tugged your body into his where he curled around you finally feeling the connection between the two of you as your arms came and wrapped around him. He fell into a dreamless sleep with a long deep sigh.

           Breakfast the next morning was a hurried affair as since you had woken Jack up earlier to properly welcome him home. He had held a satisfied smirk on his face ever since as the two of you quickly got dressed and began to make your breakfast to go.

         “You talked in your sleep again last night.” Jack said softly with a hum as he pressed his front into your back as you made breakfast sandwiches for the two of you to eat on your way to work.

         “I did huh? What’d I say this time? Another honey incident?” you asked jokingly as Jack got out the tin foil to wrap up the sandwiches.

         “No actually I’m pretty sure you spoke in a different language.” he said amused as he looked over at you. You were looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. “You said something like happy woo. But when I asked you what you meant you were already asleep again.” he said grinning over to you. “What does it mean?” he asked. When his eyes looked over to you he saw that you looked shocked and your skin was a little paler as your eyes darted around the stove.

         “Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. I wonder why I said it.” you said quickly and began busying yourself finishing up with breakfast. Jack looked at you with narrowed eyes, you were lying to him. He moved closer to you but you turned off the stove and rushed out of the room. “I gotta get dressed and you make the sandwiches and wrap them please?” you called out to him as you left.

         Jack stared after you silently knowing that whatever you had said to him last night it meant something. And it was something that you hadn’t meant to say last night. He had a feeling that he had to figure out what you said last night now.

           You were walking down the hallway with your homemade lunch as you made your way to Jack’s office, deep in thought as you thought back to this morning and the close call you had. When he had asked you what the words meant that your subconscious had let slip out you thought you were going to have to ruin the surprise for him. But you had quickly brushed it off and though you knew he hadn’t bought your excuse you didn’t think he’d have the resources to research it.           Even walking into his office you thought you were in the clear because he sat there at his desk waiting for you with a bright smile on his face.

         “Goodness I missed having lunch with you.” he said warmly and you grinned over to him as you placed the lunch on his desk. “Come here darlin’.” he says as he holds his arms open. You smile brightly at him as you move to climb into his lap your legs straddling him and he hugs you close. “I’ve missed you wifey.” he says softly into your hair.

         “I’ve missed you too husband.” you return with a soft loving smile. Jack leans down and presses a soft kiss to your lips.

         “So I learned something new today.” he begins softly and you feel his arms wrap low around your hips. You lean back to look into his eyes and you instantly know that he knows what the words mean that you let slip out last night. Tears well in your eyes and Jack’s face crumples softly with concern. “Darlin’ what is it?” he asks softly with a look of confusion.

         “It was supposed to be a surprise! I had it all planned out for this weekend and I went and ruined it.” you wail softly as the tears fall from your eyes. “I’ve known for a week and have been so good at not telling you so that it’ll be special and then I mess it up!” Jack cuddles you close and shushes you softly as his lips press to your temple in soft pecks.

         “You didn’t ruin a thing darlin’.” he reassures you. “This was still special and it’s more fitting for the two of us.” You look up at him confused as your eyebrows pinch together. “You told me you loved me in your sleep. You told me that you wanted to marry me in your sleep. And now you told me that we’re pregnant in your sleep. It’s just fitting that this is how you share your news with me.” 

         “Oh Jack.” you say softly as his hands come up and cup your cheeks and his thumbs brush away your tears.

         “I love you darlin’. And I’m so happy that we’re pregnant. I can’t wait to meet the little one.” he says softly as one of his hands comes down to rest softly over your stomach. You press your forehead against his and your flutter closed.

         “We’re still doing the surprise.” you gripe out and Jack chuckles delighted before kissing you deeply and tugging you closer into his chest.

         “Whatever you want darlin’.” he reassures kissing you deeply again.

[beautiful-de4mity]

[Alice Nine Fanfiction] ASYLUM

“You can’t say this world is kind to people. That’s how it is.”

Saga's body freezes instantly, paralyzed. His throat is choked painfully in order to endure a scream that refuses to come out of his chest, a feeling of intense fear gripping him but he is unable to do anything about it. Shou said he means no harm, but Saga has no reason to believe him. If the family that gave birth to and raised you could be so cruel, is there any guarantee that a stranger like Shou won't do the same?

Chapter 01 [Lingering]

Author: beautiful-de4mity

Fandom: Alice Nine

A/n: inspired by ASYLUM that is always incredibly stunning during lives and I have always been captivated by Saga x Shou’s relationship both on stage and real life. This is my first time ever writing Alice Nine’s fanfiction in English, I’m going to need maaaaaaaany critics 😥💦

Inspired song: ASYLUM from PLANET NINE Album

Disclaimer: Alice Nine belongs to themselves wwwww

At two fifteen in the afternoon, all of Shou's classes for the day finally ended. In one deep breath, the handsome young man tidies up all his belongings and hurriedly moves outside the campus. He should have met with Amano sensei at the private central hospital in Shibuya at one o'clock, but Professor Hisashi, his lecturer of Psychological Testing and Measurement, suddenly asked for additional classes after lunch since he has to attend a seminar out of town next week.

Shou's heart skips a beat groggily as he reaches the nearest bus stop, opens his cellphone and checks the reply email from Amano sensei two days ago containing an invitation to meet the man in his office. Shou fell at the first glance with that young neuropsychiatrist—since he was still a freshman to be exact. At that time, the campus held a seminar on Speech Language Disorder by inviting several experts as speakers and Amano Tora was one of them. Shou recalls vividly how fascinated he was watching the young doctor's every move up to the podium, explaining the material on Aphasia for about thirty minutes in a casual manner contrasted with his deep voice. From then on, Shou was secretly determined to focus his studies on neuropsychiatry and began to diligently read articles in that field.

Shou ends his flashback when the bus that is going to take him to the hospital arrived. In a bit of a hurry, Shou gets on the bus and pays using IC card before sitting in the back seat near the window, still trying to calm his nervousness. In the past few weeks, Shou has been working hard on a research proposal on mutism (after reading an article of which Amano Tora is one of the contributing authors) and sending it to the young doctor and asking him to become the instrument validator. Shou didn't even update the contents of his YouTube channel to make a perfect proposal, he was overjoyed when Amano sensei replied to his email and invited him to meet!

The trip to the hospital is painfully slow for the impatient Shou. The young man keep tapping his feet on the bus floor, tidying his shirt, his brown hair, and muttering what words he will say to Amano sensei later. As soon as the bus stops at its destination, Shou jumps excitedly from his seat and hurries off. By his pair of long slender legs, Shou has no trouble getting to the hospital building in less than ten minutes.

“Anou, sumimasen. May I know where the psychiatry ward is?" asks Shou at the hospital information center.

A young female staff member smiles kindly and explains to him where the psychiatric ward is. Shou rushes to follow the female staff's direction while taking out his cellphone again from his pocket to inform Amano sensei that he is already in the hospital.

"Ohara?" Shou's head automatically lifted when someone calls his name as soon as he stepped out of the elevator. His heart is racing when he realizes it is Amano sensei.

"Ha—hai," Shou bows a little too deeply. "Amano sensei, thank you for accepting my research proposal and agreeing to become a validator," he stammers.

Amano sensei chuckles as he waves his hand, “Don't be so formal with me. Just call me Tora sensei or Tora. I'm not that old."

"Eh?" Shou's beautiful eyes widened to find how casual this person he’s always idolized. "Ii desu ka?"

Amano sensei or Tora then nods and invites Shou who is still a little bit overwhelmed to his office. Shou silently watches the side profile of the young doctor; their height is not much different so that their shoulders almost brush, Tora's stern facial lines and unlike Japanese men in general make him even more charming, his enormous figure is clad in a dark shirt with folded sleeves up to elbows and the top two buttons of his shirt are loosely open. Shou’s face starts to heat up and he immediately looks away.

"Please come in," Tora opens the door to his room.

Tora's workspace is large enough to accommodate a set of assembled PCs on his working desk surrounded by paperwork and important documents. There is also a cup of cold, half-drunken coffee and an ashtray filled with cigarette butts. Shou raises an eyebrow at how 'carefree' this young doctor is, in fact he doesn't reflect a doctor-like personality at all. Or is it because his area of ​​expertise is psychology that's why Tora has this happy-go-lucky attitude? Shou subconsciously starts analyzing in his head.

"Please sit down, why are you staying there?" Tora chuckles at the empty chair across his work chair.

"Ah, yes, alright ~" Shou sits up awkwardly.

"Hmm, so I've read your proposal and I have to admit it's the most interesting topic I've read in the past year, let alone an undergraduate student who compiled it," Tora opens the conversation.

Receiving such praise, Shou can’t help but blushes.

"What attracted you to mutism?"

Shou immediately swallows hard. There's no way he can say that the reason he brought up this topic was because of the article he read last month in which Tora was one of the contributors. Shou was silent for a long time before simply answering the truth.

"I—read an article written by Professor Matsuda about mutism in traffic accident patients and was interested in exploring the topic."

Tora lifts an eyebrow, "Oh," the young doctor rises from his chair and takes something from the bookshelf, Tora waves a print out of a twenty pages-thick paper. "Case Study of Neurogenic Mutism in Traffic Accident Patients with Brain Damage, 2016?"

Shou nods, his hand feels cold.

"I was involved in this research too, it is very interesting indeed." Tora smiles then sits back down on his chair, Shou lets out a sigh of relief. “Actually I invited you here with a wish to offer something, too, if you don't mind."

A slipping sensation like jumping two stairs at once occupies Shou’s belly when he heard that. "What is it, sensei?"

***

You can’t say this world is kind to people; that’s how it is.

Did I lose something? I don’t know what it is, in this empty dissonance.

The surroundings are always cold even though the air conditioner is not turned on and these white clothes cover his whole body. The young man is sitting in the corner, staring at a small aquarium with bluish neon lights located near a large glass window where people usually watch him and take notes on his every move. It doesn't stop there, every corner of the room has CCTV connected to a computer somewhere in this big hospital, he doesn't know, he doesn't care. He just wants to live quietly. He just wants some warmth.

His bony arm is lifted, revealing an iron plaque on his wrist with some information about him engraved on the surface. The young man is stunned to stare at it for a moment.

Name: SAGA Age: 18 Admission date: 2019/05/12

Two people has just come and study him through the glass window, catching his attention. One is Amano Tora, one of the neuropsychiatrists who is assigned to take care of him, while the other one—Saga tilts his face intrigued—a tall, slender fine-looking young man with brown hair and a pair of big beautiful eyes who is now smiling at him. Amano Tora seems to explain something to the beautiful-eyed young man, they seem to be engaged in a serious conversation. A few moments later, the door opens and the two men enter to greet him.

“How are you doing today, Saga?” asks Amano Tora in a friendly tone that always make him feels weirdly relaxed and safe.

He nods curtly while his gaze darts on the other young man standing beside Amano Tora.

“Ah, yes. I bring a friend today. He is Ohara Shou and he is going to assist me in treating you from now on,” Amano Tora explains. “He’s an undergraduate student, you guys are the same age, I’m sure you can get along well in no time.” The doctor flashes a charming smile.

The beautiful-eyed young man named Shou comes forward and introduces himself, “Hajimemashite, Saga san, I’m Ohara Shou. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!”

Shou is confused because Saga doesn't respond and stares at him intensely as if judging him from head to toe. Even so, Saga's dark irises fascinate him. Shou can clearly see Saga's jawline because his body is so thin, his eye bags are sunken and blackened, and his short dark hair is messy that almost covers his entire forehead, his body looks thin and frail. Earlier, Tora had already explained Saga's condition. He is a mutism patient who has been under the supervision of a hospital research team due to years of physical abuse from his own family. Until now, the research team has not been able to determine whether Saga’s case is a neurogenic mutism or the other type of mutism. The MRI scan showed that he had brain trauma which should not have affected his speech ability, but from the day the children welfare discovered him and admitted him to this hospital, Saga hasn't spoken a word to anyone.

After a few minutes allowing himself to be glared at by Saga, Shou kneels in front of the skinny young man and smiles gently at him, causing Saga to move back in fear. “It’s okay, I mean you no harm.” Carefully, Shou tries to reach Saga’s hands and holds them softly.

Saga's body freezes instantly, paralyzed. His throat is choked painfully in order to endure a scream that refuses to come out of his chest, a feeling of intense fear gripping him but he is unable to do anything about it. Shou said he means no harm, but Saga has no reason to believe him.

If the family that gave birth to and raised you could be so cruel, is there any guarantee that a stranger like Shou won't do the same?

[ladyideal]

Our Love 3/3

Pairing: McKirk x Reader

Word Count: 11.5k (it spiraled away, I’m sorry.)

Warnings: Geez, where to begin. Lots of alcohol, lots of cursing, description of injuries, fighting, mild panic attack, major character death, really 95% angst, crying and sobbing. (Probably missed something, let me know if I do.)

Summary:  After three years with Leonard, and one year with Jim, both your boyfriends proposes to you during Jim’s bday. You said yes. With a new away mission, both Jim and Leonard were called down. Even though you had a bad feeling about it, you let them convince you it will be okay. It was not okay. Honestly, go read the story. 

A/N: Welp, here’s the end folks. And I’m quite at a loss of having typing down almost 12k words in this part. It’s long, but it’s worth the read, I promise. This has become my longest story ever, and I’m proud of it. Hope you like it still, @cuddlememerrick. I did tell you it was gonna break your heart. I chose “Close Your Eyes.” as my last prompt. You’ll only get 2k of fluff. That’s it.

Please get a box of tissues ready. I promise you’ll need them. 

Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3

Jim confessed.

No, he wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t upset. In fact, he wasn’t feeling any of them. He loved you. He wanted you. He loved Len, and Len did too. After a talk with Leonard late one night, you and him agreed. Logically, two became three. 

Starfleet had mentioned no relationships with the direct superior, something that Spock continued to point out every time he gets the chance. Jim snorted, and waved it away. To hell with that rule, he said. There was no way that Starfleet could really enforce that rule without making several people upset.

Plus Jim was unorthodox that way. As a Captain, he wasn’t very strict with the rules, a more laid back attitude to them. Sure, it gave you problems and headaches when annual ship inspection came around. But it was worth it. 

It was worth having Jim as your Captain and now boyfriend. 

Since then, your relationships with your two boys have only gone up, and much better. It was double the fun, and double the love. It wasn’t easy to spend time together, especially as Captain and First Officer, your shifts were staggered in order to accommodate between the three shifts. All three accommodated the circumstances by working on the ship. 

You cherished the time together when you can. Whether it was going down to Engineering and almost always having a displeased Doctor yelling at you for being so careless or spending time at the holodeck or drinking at the officer’s lounge and passing out, it was good times. 

Especially since the horrible fight with Leonard, you and him had reconcile and found a better way to help convey your side of the opinion and then his. It took time to get back to where the relationship was previously, but with Jim on board, everything was seamless.

It was almost as if you were living a fairy tale dream. Your two princes and you all dressed up in a wonderful life. Leonard snorted at the idea when you mentioned it to him, but in his eyes, you knew he was pleased. Jim was the opposite, laughing and grinning at the idea. You even wondered if it was even a good idea to tell him that. By his shit eating grin to go off of, you knew that he was cooking up an idea in his head. 

You weren’t disappointed. 

Since Jim’s birthday was in a week, Jim had finally announced that he wanted his birthday party to be a fairy tale themed. Immediately, you and the doctor both rolled your eyes at his antics. The blonde pouted.

“Come on, Y’N,” He tried to convince you. “I know Bones wasn’t going to like it. But you? Please.”

Throughout the day, he’d begged you in all sorts of different ways. A message there, a message written on the foggy mirror, a sticky note on your computer, a frowny face on your PADD, and so much more. He’d even somehow got Leonard to jump on board, and help with his pleading. 

“Enough Jim,” You finally broke down, shaking your head at him as you sat across from him over dinner. “Alright, alright. I’ll do it. I’ll put something together for you, but only because you’re insufferable.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

You did it anyways. Swinging down to the education side of the ship, you spoke to the teachers there to organize an event with the kids. Draw some pictures of the Captain and even draw some pretty castles in the background, and make it a contest. It would be a nice background and decorations around the rec room when Jim was able to get off duty and judge who was best. 

Cake. You frowned in the kitchen of your quarters, looking down at the recipes that your PADD was able to come up with. Being on the ship was hard enough, much less had enough of the ingredients you needed. You sighed.

Replicator it was. 

While you were busy mixing the sprinkles within the batter, a pair of strong arms and the scent of bourbon enveloped you from behind. Ignoring your surprised squacks, Leonard gently planted a kiss on your cheek.

“Leonard McCoy!” You grumbled, swatting his arms away. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Good thing I’m a doctor,” The bastard smirked. “Baking Jim’s cake?”

“If you keep hugging me like that, I will never be able to get it finished on time,” You groaned, lightly pushing away from him. “Now come on doctor, get an apron on. Still need to get started on the cupcakes.”

You threw a nearby apron to his face, grinning back at him. Reproachfully, he pouted at you, but pulled the offered apron off his face, and rolled his sleeves up. 

“Where can I help, sweetheart?”

Rows of children’s drawings of Jim hung across the walls of the room, and a large “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAPTAIN KIRK” decoration slung above them all. The large cake and a dozen or so frosted cupcakes sat in the center, and a modest pile of unopened presents sat tucked away in the far corner of the entrance. Officers milled about, all with a drink in their hands. Uhura was dancing with Spock, Scotty was already drunk and waving his arms around as he spoke to an equally drunk but interested Chekov, and Sulu was dealing out poker at another table.

“Thank you so much, Y/N,” Jim hurried over when you and Leonard finally entered. 

“Hey, what about me?” Leonard grumped as you were lifted into the air.

“Let me down, Jim,” You laughed, kicking slightly in the air. “Let me down!”

“You too, Bones,” The Captain smirked over at the doctor, but reluctantly set you back down on your feet. 

“Happy birthday, Jim,” You and the doctor chorused, kissing the blonde and grinning as Leonard kissed his cheek too.

“How did you get the kids to draw all these?” Jim pointed at the pictures and models of him. 

You smirked. “All I had to do was say it was your birthday, and whoever draws the best picture or the best model wins a prize. Judged by you,” You spoke, watching as Leonard left the conversation to grab some bourbon from the bar. “You do have to give out three honorable mentions though.”

Jim laughed, and brought you tightly to him again. “Thank you so much, Y/N. You really outdid yourself this time.”

You beamed at him. “Anything for you, Jimmy boy.”

Jim eyed Leonard for a moment, and in that silent exchange, both men nodded.

“Alright, everyone,” The Captain spoke up louder this time, gaining the attention of those that attended his party. “Thank you for coming to my party. It was spectacular, much more than I ever expected on a ship, and away from home. You can thank Commander Y/N for planning and setting everything up.” He paused, briefly smirking at you again. 

“But I have a surprise of my own.”

You frowned slightly, confused at the turn of events. It was supposed to be you having the surprises, like the lingerie bag hidden underneath the bed, not the birthday boy himself. 

Leonard slid closer to you. “Close your eyes, sweetheart.”

With no other choice, you obeyed. Closing your eyes, you listened to the shuffles in front of you. What the hell was going on.

“Now open them.”

Your eyes widened at the sight of the box held by Jim and Leonard in front of you, and both your boyfriends on one knee. Feeling your heart leap inside your chest, your jaw dropped in surprise. Several officers around you gasped loudly. A surprise squeak bubbled out of your mouth, as you understood what was going on. Rather carefully, Jim pried your left hand away from your mouth.

“Y/N, when I first met you on the ship three years ago, I couldn’t believe there could be anything that shone brighter than the stars. I thought that this could be it, that you were the one that I was looking for. I have this ship, I have this crew, and most importantly I have you. I was scared at first. My reputation hasn't been the greatest, and thought that alone would scare you away from me,” Jim smiled tentatively up at you. "Being on this ship is scary enough all alone with no one beside. I know I make more mistakes than I have made right ones. But I promise to do my best to do it right for you, for Bones, for us.” 

You could only blink in response, wiping away tears with your free hand. 

“Sweetheart, when I first met you three years go at your cafe, you rudely barged into my life with no care at all,” Leonard picked up, pausing when you giggled. “You set my coffee down, made me eat those overly sweet cookies, and talked with me even though I was a total stranger. You didn’t know me, and I only knew your cafe because all my nurses were begging me to go and try your coffee out. You made me realize that there was still hope in the future, and that you were it. I know I can be temperamental at times, but you love me just the way I am. Joanna loves you, same with ma, and everyone else in our family and Jim’s. We want to spend the rest of our lives with you.”

“Will you do us the honor of marrying us?” The two spoke in complete unison. 

Tears streaked down your cheeks as you nodded. 

“Yes,” You spoke, clearing your throat. “Yes!”

With breathtaking smiles, you watched as Leonard pulled the snug diamond ring out of its confines and slowly pushed it up your finger.

You stared in amazement at the row of dazzling diamonds on your hand for a minute, before lifting your head up at the sounds of people cheering all around. Leonard and Jim beamed as congratulations were offered, and the party continued long into the night. 

"I can't believe you Jimbo, for pulling that off," You grumbled, but the smile on your face robbed you from being serious. "You too Len."

"Can't a guy have his tricks up his sleeve?" The blonde spoke, changing out of his regulation shirt into his pajamas.

"Besides Y/N," Leonard added on, digging through his drawer for some sweatpants. "You're not sneaky enough. We've known for quite some time about what's hidden under the bed."

You gasped out loud from under the covers, and groaned in frustration. "Come on! It was supposed to be a surprise." You pouted at your now fiancees.

"You don't hear us complaining, do you?" Jim wickedly smirked. Your eyes widened at his words, then swung over to an equally smug Leonard. 

It was going to be a long night for you. 

It was a day later when the Enterprise received a distress call from one of the Federation colonies. Jim being Jim insisted that he was going to go beam down, and somehow managed to convince Leonard to join him. 

“J, are you sure about going down? I can go in your place,” You punched a couple buttons on your PADD, entering his ready room without knocking. Frowning at the lack of response from your captain, you looked up in time to see Jim gently nipping at Leonard’s lower lip. You shook your head. 

“Close your eyes, Bones,” The blonde purred.

Of course. 

“Ahem,” You loudly cleared your throat. Immediately the doctor and captain bounced apart, faces red after the amount of making out they were having. 

“Good god sugar, there’s somethin’ called knockin’,” Leonard scowled, smoothing out his tunic. “You should try it sometime.”

Jim waggled his eyebrows at you. “How long have you been standing there watching us, hmm? Bet you want to join us.”

You rolled your eyes at the blonde. “While you went and had your fun,” you paused, glaring daggers at Leonard as though the make out session was all his fault.. “I really need to get this away mission sorted out.”

Jim shrugged, righting his shirt. “Just me, Bones, and some security is needed. They’ve got some injured, and need some supplies to be beamed down to the colony.”

 You frowned. There was a bad feeling about this mission, almost making you nauseous as your stomach rolled. “Jim, something feels wrong about all this. They want you and Leonard specifically. No other missions have been like this. You, yes, but not Len.”

Clapping you on the shoulder, you watched as the captain sat back down in his chair. “It’ll be alright, Y/N. It’s just a routine mission.”

“Now hold up Jim, you didn’t say that they-,” Leonard interjected.

You bit down at your lower lip, unsure. “You’re the captain here, I can go down instead. If something happens, it’s not only you anymore. The ship can’t lose its captain. It’s a gut feeling, J. Something’s wrong down there.”

“You said it yourself, doll,” Jim leaned against his seat. “It’s dangerous out there for you. Let me and Bones take care of it.”

You huffed in frustration, turning to Leonard once more. “And what about you? You’re hardly one that likes to go down for missions like this.” 

“M’Benga has gone down the last five missions that needed a doctor,” The doctor scowled at Jim. “And someone has to keep an eye on the infant. Heaven forbid that I look away from him for a second, and the next minute he’s sporting an injury.”

You threw your hands up into the air, done with the pair. “This isn’t over,” You grumbled, pivoting on your heels and storming out.

Needless to say, the next two days you needled and prodded at the two whenever you got a chance whether it was face to face or by via messages. You couldn’t believe your fiancees. If both went down, and god forbid something does happen, you would be losing one, or even both. Jim was always a risk taker, but what surprised you was the doctor.

Leonard was one to never go down on a mission, if he could help it. In fact, he would be turning to the other doctors and nurses to fill in the spot so he wouldn't have to go. Now, him volunteering himself to go down, was absolutely mind boggling. You didn’t know what else to do, but to badger them as much as possible. 

“Get some sleep, doll,” Jim spoke firmly to you in front of your shared quarters, and gazed into your eyes. “Someone out of us three have to be the alert one, and watch it all up from the ship where you won’t be in harm's way.”

“J, please. You have to listen to me, Something’s not right,” You pleaded quietly. “I can’t lose you or Len if something were to happen.”

“And nothing is going to happen, Y/N,” Jim gently brought you into a tight hug. You laid your cheek on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. “I’ve got Bones beside me, and I’ve got you watching from above. It’ll go fine, I swear.”

You chuckled weakly. “You can’t make that promise, Jim,” You croaked, tears welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t lose him or Leonard or both. It would devastate you. “Not when every time you go down for a mission, something always goes wrong and you always land yourself in Medbay.”

“Tell me, baby doll, what are you wearing on your hand?” 

“A-a-a r-ring?” You stuttered out in confusion, flickering your eyes up at his face.

“A promise, Y/N,” He gently corrected you, rubbing comforting circles on your back. “My promise to you, and Bones’s promise too. No matter what happens. We will be back.”

You whimpered silently into his shirt, and closed your eyes briefly. Other officers walking along the same corridor skirted around you as much as possible, but some had lingering curiosity. You could care less at the moment. All you wanted, desperately hoped for, was for both your fiancees to return safe and sound. 

“Get some sleep.”

“You too, Jim.”

Leonard was already fast asleep on the bed when you entered. The lights were at 10% brightness, something he must have thought ahead for you. As softly as you could, you stripped off your uniform, threw it into the clothes hamper, and slowly squeaked out the middle drawer for your pajamas. 

After brushing your teeth in record time, you sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing your unshed tears away. The mattress squeaked when you sat down, but silenced as you crawled under the covers. As though the doctor could sense your body heat, his arms shot out, and gently pulled you in to him. 

“Wha took you so long?” He mumbled quietly, still sleep addled. An eye peeked down as you yawned, pressing yourself closer into your teddy bear of a doctor. 

“Jim,” was all you managed out, closing your eyes.

“It’ll be okay, baby girl,” Leonard replied. “We’ve got you.” 

Despite your fears for the coming day, you shoved your worries away for the meantime and let yourself drift away. It wasn’t long before the other side of the mattress dipped down and squealed, another pair of arms wrapped comfortably around your middle. You’d tensed up briefly, but relaxed again as Jim kissed your cheek, careful to not wake you. 

“I’m here, doll,” Jim settled himself right alongside your body. 

“Always.”

With that, you were lulled back into a dreamless sleep. 

Beep.

Beep.

As your alarm blared loudly from one of the nightstands, you were stuck between two furnaces of bodies, and limbs thrown carelessly at every angle. It didn’t take long before the men on both your sides groaned and whined unhappily.

“Someone shut the thing up,” Leonard grumbled unhappily from your right. You groaned this time, sliding deeper under the covers in an attempt to catch a few more zzs.

“J, please,” You mumbled, poking the captain insistently for a few minutes. 

He was awake in an instant, rubbing his eyes open. “Who set the alarm so early?”

“You told me to last night,” You replied from within the covers.

“Oh, shut up the thing first.”

Naturally, Jim stuck a foot out and tipped the blaring alarm over the edge and onto the floor with a light crash, finally ending the noise for good. 

“I’ll have Scotty fix it later.”

Leonard groaned again with a quiet finally. The three of you continued laying in bed for another moment before you reluctantly untangled yourself from both Jim’s and Leonard’s arms, and sat up. 

“Come on, you two. Can’t have the Captain and the CMO late.”

It took some prodding, and some veiled insults to finally get both your teddy bears up and out of bed. Even then, both seemed rather grumpy as everyone started their morning routine. 

As the two men hogged the bathroom, you hummed to yourself as you poured in some real coffee grounds, and then hot water into the coffee maker. After a moment, you steeped it, and poured a generous helping of coffee into three mugs. Knowing Leonard wanted his coffee black and bitter, you set his aside and concentrated on Jim’s next. With a little bit of sugar, into yours and Jim's, you stirred both mugs, and ending it with a splash of milk into yours. 

You adjusted your gold shirt in front of the mirror, rubbing your eyes every once in awhile. “Coffee’s ready,” You called out when the door to the bathroom opened. 

“That the real thing?” Leonard called from the bedroom, hunting down a new shirt to wear.

“Yup.”

“And you’ve been hiding it away from all of us?” Jim asked in feigned disappointment from the couch, trying to lace up his boots. “I could have had this kind of coffee a long time ago, and the actual caffeine would really kick in.”

“Only break it out on the harder days.”

“That’s not fair,” He whined. “You brought this from your cafe, didn’t you?”

“Dammit Jim,” Leonard emerged from the bedroom with some lingering bed hair left, saving you from explaining. “It’s too early in the morning for your yapping right now.”

You laughed. Leonard grunted beside you, and picked up his steaming mug on the kitchen counter. His arm snaked around your waist, and you smiled in the reflection. Before long, Jim stood on your other side with his mug in one hand, and the other on your shoulder.

“Okay you two ridiculous asses, it’s almost 8 and we’re still in the room,” You grouched after a moment of content silence.

“Look who’s talking first,” Jim grinned. “And I know you enjoy watching our asses in the regulation pants. Don’t deny it, doll.”

“Shut up, Jim.”

You chuckled, and grabbed your mug on the way out the door as you followed them.

Two hours went by as you and Jim sat on the Bridge catching up with the Gamma crew and then looking over at missed messages. You frowned down at your PADD, head bent down as you took another sip of your coffee.

“It’s some good grounds you got there,” Jim leaned over your shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of what you were working on. “Should pop it out more often. Coming for breakfast?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

You set your tray down beside Leonard’s and Jim’s across from yours. You’d finally give in after the prospect of replicating some chocolate chip pancakes and bacon was too tempting to ignore. The doctor eyed your breakfast with a scowl. 

“Isn’t that a mountain of unhealthy sugar and fat you’ve got there, Commander?” He pursed your lips at your choice of breakfast. 

You rolled your eyes at him, ignoring the snorts from Jim. “Want some, Doctor? It’s not bad at all. The replicator got it mostly right this time” You offered. 

“No thank you,” He wrinkled his nose, and went back to scooping his yogurt. 

“Your loss,” You shrugged, but said nothing when you let him steal a piece of bacon off your plate too. 

To most of the crew, it was a normal day. To you though, your worry gnawed at your thoughts. Halfheartedly, you worked your way into cleaning the plate in front of you. A lot of things could go wrong, and you weren’t sure what you would if this particular away mission went badly sideways. As though he could sense your thoughts, Jim grabbed one of your hands into his. 

“It’ll be okay, Y/N,” He assured you. “I’ve got Bones with me. He’ll keep me safe from the bad guys.”

You shook your head. “I can’t help it, J. Until you both are safely beamed back up, I won’t know what’s going on there. I’m letting my two favorite people down onto the planet with nothing else but phasers and others to keep you safe.”

“We’ll keep you posted at all times.”

You didn’t look convinced by his words. 

“Hey, hey sweetheart, breath for me. You’re turning pale,” The doctor watched you, setting his fork down with a clatter. “I’m still here, Jim’s still here. We’re not going anywhere. But I need you to take some deep breaths for me first.”

It took a moment for you to reign in your terror, and drawn in a deep breath. 

“There you go, you keep breathing like that,” Leonard encouraged you, rubbing circles on the back of your hand. You took another shuddering breath in, and smiled weakly up at him in gratitude. 

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you, sweetheart. Jim and I will always be here for you,” He paused, scowling over at the Captain. You let out a breathy laugh, and returned to your breakfast.

“Once this is all over, we will be in each other arms laughing upon it tonight,” Jim smiled at you. 

“Just be safe, okay?” You looked seriously between the two men. 

“We promise,” Both your fiancees replied in unison, and you couldn’t help but tentatively smiled back. 

When you were full, and almost sleepy again, Jim turned away from the conversation with the other senior officers, and towards you and Leonard. “We should get going to the briefing, Bones, and you need to be back on the Bridge soon, Y/N.”

Half an hour went by before the Captain and the doctor reappeared by your side on the Bridge. Nothing much had changed, save for the medkit swung across Leonard’s shoulder. 

“How’d it go?” 

“We’re ready to head down to the transporter room, and have a rumble with them,” Jim answered first. You raised an eyebrow at his words, a habit you’ve caught on from no other than the doctor beside. 

“Okay okay, we’re ready to help them out, and get our asses back here with you,” Jim hastily revised his statement when he saw both the scowl on Leonard's face and your raised eyebrow. 

“I’ll go down with you,” You stood up, indicating for Spock to take the conn. “Let’s go before Len frowns the entire universe upside down.”

You made small talk with the two on the way towards the transporter room. It was mostly gossip, but it was something to fill the silence. When you reached the transporter room, you realized that the other members of the away team had already arrived and received their phasers from security. 

“Well, I guess this is it,” You turned back to Leonard and Jim, gazing up at their faces. 

“We’ll be okay, I promise,” Jim hugged you again, kissing you full on the lips. He lingered there for a moment before breaking away from the hug. “I’ll see you real soon, doll.. Take care of the ship for me. Let me worry about the mission, okay? I love you.”

You nodded. As Jim stepped away to call out the rest of the security going alongside him, Leonard approached you, face full of concern. He knew what you were going through, and understood the worry that spiraled you into a mild panic attack. 

“Hey, I know you’re anxious about this mission, Y/N,” The doctor delicately cupped your face with his palms, gazing down at you affectionately. “But I’ll be there to watch Jim’s ass and he’ll watch mine. We’ll be fast, I promise. Get ‘em fixed, get ‘em their supplies, and we’ll be back on the ship in no time.”

“You promise?”

“Cross my heart,” He kissed you, and you eagerly responded back. Staying in his embrace for as long as you could, you closed your eyes and leaned your cheek on his chest.

“I love you,” You muttered, just loud enough for him to hear your words. 

“I love you too,” Leonard murmured softly. 

You and him stayed in the embrace for the rest of the time it took the Captain to straighten out his team and up onto the pads. It wasn’t long before you heard the shuffling and rearranging of people when you heard the cough.

“Bones, we need to leave,” Jim regrettably called out. 

“Love you,” Leonard kissed you on the lips one more, this time in full view of everyone else. You kissed him back. Too soon before the doctor broke the kiss and stepped towards the pads. You smiled sadly at them all. 

“Energize.”

In a blink of an eye, they were gone. 

The Bridge was silent as you paced repeatedly from left to right, spin around, and back where you came from. It was nerve wracking being on the ship, and having your two fiancees down there on the ground. 

“Kirk to Enterprise. Do you hear me?”

“Captain, we read you loud and clear,” You replied immediately, stilling for once. 

“We are at the edges of the colony, but so far there seems to be no life.”

You frowned, resuming your pacing once more. “There’s no one?”

“No one in sight,” Jim confirmed. You heard the trace of worriness in his voice. “The sun’s up already in the afternoon, should be seeing movements and daily life by now.”

“Check a little further in, and see what’s going on.” Your pacing increased as did your worry. 

“Will do, Kirk out.”

You waited.

And waited.

And waited some more

“Bones, is it just me or something doesn’t exactly feel right?” Jim spoke, leading the front as he surveyed the quiet settlement in front of him. The wind screeched around the buildings, and echoed as the trees swayed, and rubbed branches against one another. The back of his hair stood up, and goosebumps traveled up his arm.. 

Nothing felt right.

“It’s too calm if that’s what you’re tryin’ to say,” Leonard too was on high alert, instinct screaming at him that he shouldn’t move closer into the eerie calm colony.  He sniffed the air, and stilled. The scent of copper was in the air, faint, but very noticeable. “Jim, there’s blood in the air.”

Jim looked over at Bones, and looked back towards the front. He squared his shoulders, as though he had made the decision.

“Phasers up everyone,” He instructed, pulling his out too. “We’re going to have company really soon.”

By this time, several hours had passed by and no other news was given. 

“Any luck you’ve got there, Lieutenant Uhura?” You shot at her, finally sitting down in the Captain’s chair after nearly exhausting the floor that you were pacing on earlier. 

“I’ve got their signals, but they aren’t picking up,” Your best friend spoke from behind, and you sighed, nervously running a hand through your hair.

Spock watched you as you turned into a nervous wreck, silently striding over to you. “Perhaps it is best we send the other team down, Commander.”

“I’m going down, and leading the back up,” You jumped to your feet. 

“Commander, may I remind you again that you are the First Officer aboard this ship. Regulations state that the Captain and First Officer can not both be present on an away team,” Spock spoke. 

You scowled, bristling at his words. To hell with the regulations. What with the dread curling tightly in your stomach and the lack of communication, you were beyond worried. 

“Starfleet can reprimand me all they want, but I would rather be safe than sorry right now. You’ve got the conn, Spock. I have to do this. Nyota, could you send a message down to Security to have the back up team ready in the transporter room in five?”

Once she’d given the affirmative, you swept out of the Bridge and into a turbolift without a backwards glance. Impatiently, you tapped your foot and crossed your arms across your chest. You should have never let them down. If only you were a bit more convincing, made both Leonard and Jim realize that they should send other people down and not themselves, you wouldn’t be in this current situation. When the lift doors opened, you hurried out towards the transporter room. 

“Scotty,” You turned to the Scot in front of the controls. 

“Commander,” The Chief Engineer glanced up, pausing his fingers on the network of buttons and levers and all sorts of gadgets there. 

“Could you comm Medical for me, and have them on standby?” You accepted your phaser with a nod of thanks at the Ensign. “Two teams should be enough. Send them down when I give them the okay.”

“Aye,” The Scot nodded, reaching for his comm on the side to do so as you ordered. 

Stepping up to the transporter pad, you counted the number of security heads going with you. Ten, you counted, making eleven with you. Should be enough, you reckoned. 

“Everyone ready?” You called out, stuffing your phaser away. 

“Ready, Commander.”

You took a deep breath, and loosened up your tense shoulders. Whatever happened down there for no one to radio back in could only spell one word: Death.

You would do whatever it took to save your boys, and your crew. And if that meant you were going to go in guns a blazing, then so be it. 

“Energize.”

When you and the team materialized on the planet, you swung your head back and forth in confusion. There were supposed to be fire starting, dinner cooking, sounds of little kids running around and chasing each other, sounds of the elderly complaining at the kids, and the rest of the adults out and about on their daily errands. It wasn’t easy as a newly found Federation colony, but the colonists worked it out after some adjustments.

“It’s quiet,” One of the lieutenants spoke from behind you after a moment. 

“Let’s see what’s going on. Phasers out,”  You ordered, taking yours out too. Slowly, your team descended down the small hill, and warily approached the settlement. Your eyes roamed around as far as they could, taking in the structures as you passed them. The wind blew unsteadily, and there were times you swore that there was an alien like screeching behind you. 

“Commander, look!”

You whipped around, halting the team at the exclamation. You furrowed your brows at the speaker, then looked down on the sandy ground where a comm was found smashed into broken broken pieces. Looking back up, you grimaced at the implication of what it meant. 

“They were being followed,” You indicated a couple set of distinct footprints on the sand, much different than the Starfleet issued boots that officers wore. Frowning down at it, you squatted down along with several others to better examine it. Carefully, you traced the prints with a finger.

“Romulans,” You spoke just loud enough for the team to hear. “Several of them too.”

The team glanced at one another, and you sighed, rubbing your temples. Straightening up, you tilted your head up high at the structure roofs. “Stick together everyone, and listen very closely. We’re going to have to have a fight on our hands.”

The next thirty minutes, you spent focusing on your task while doing your best to not let your mind wander away too much on the possibilities of where the previous team ended up. Dread curled tighter within your stomach to the point that you physically nauseous at the thought of your two boys injured, or even dead at the hands of your enemies. 

It was easy to give up the control, and spiral yourself into an endless variety of worry and what ifs. You took a couple deep breaths, in and out; a technique that Leonard taught you to steady yourself. Honestly, you were glad that you listened to him when he said so-.

“Commander, did you hear that?” Someone spoke behind you, and you frowned. Opening your mouth to reply, you caught the sound yourself. It was shrill, but muffled as though something was covering the sound up. It went silent for a moment, and at first you thought it was just part of your imagination. Then, it happened again, but now less discordant. 

Nodding your head towards the direction, the team headed left to investigate the sound. What you were greeted with was a nightmare beyond imagination.

Blood was splattered on the building and on the ground in front of you. Three security officers laid face down on the ground, and a landscape stained with a river of blood flowing in between the buildings on either side. Broken bodies shot dead with phaser wounds and other injuries could be seen laying in a row, executioner style. Men, and even women and children were all dead on the ground in massive pools of blood. It seemed like no one was left. Just beyond the corner though, you noticed a singed piece of blue fabric fluttering in the wind

“Double up, half of y’all scan the perimeter, 100 yards and report back here,” You barked, gulping as you approached the blue fabric. Please, please, please no, you begged, desperately wishing on any deity above that Leonard was alright. Rounding the corner with your phaser out, your eyes widened. 

Leonard was tilted against the wall of the building, as though he was shielding something away from harm. There were bruises and scrapes on the visible parts of his body, but it didn't seem like he was seriously injured.

“Len? Love?” You called out, crouching down beside his head. With a shaky hand, you placed your index and middle finger together, in an attempt to find his carotid pulse. Initially, you’d panicked when you couldn’t find it, but stilled gratefully when his steady heartbeat pulsed against your fingers. Weak, but it was there.

“Dammit, Len, you scared me. What the hell am I supposed to do without you and Jim?” You muttered, beyond relieved that at least one was alive. Before you could fish out your comm, a quiet gurgle could be heard in the crook of Leonard’s arm. Curiously, you gently moved Leonard onto his back, only to find a tiny bundle held tightly against his chest.

You gasped, ignoring the sounds of your badge going off, confirming the perimeter was secured and that the three other security officers were still alive. Softly, you lifted the infant up and into your arms, gently rocking the little boy. You ducked your head once more, and brushed your lips against Leonard’s.

“Come back to me, you hear?” You whispered, nuzzling his cheek with yours. “I’ll see you back on the ship, love.” 

 Cooing gently, you bundled the baby tightly in your arms, and returned back to the spot where your team huddled together. 

“Is that a-?”

“Yes, it’s a baby,” you interrupted the ensign. “Do me a favor, and get my comm out. Need to get a hold of the ship.”

Hastily, he did so.

“Commander Y/L/N to the Enterprise.”

“Spock, here. What’s the status?” The half vulcan answered. 

“Not looking good here, Mister Spock. We found half of the team unconscious and all the colony inhabitants dead,” You explained, shifting the baby again. “There is only one survivor at the moment; an infant boy. Have one medical team be beamed down at our exact location. Tell them to not go any farther into the city.”

“Any word yet on the Captain?”

You cringed. “None for now. We’ll keep locating for them. Judging by what we’ve seen, they were followed by Romulans. Doctor McCoy has been found, but not the others.” 

There was a pause. “Understood, keep us in touch, Commander. Spock out.”

You sighed, and cooed silently at the baby. One thing led to another, and now this was no longer a back up team. This was rescue, a complete 180 of what you were expecting to do.

“Ensign here, hold the kid,” You gingerly transferred the baby into the arms of a nearby Ensign. “Wait here for the medical team. They should be arriving any moment now. Get back up to the ship when they’re done. Everyone else, we’re going to find the rest of the team. Any questions?”

The team shook their head no, and with another concerned glance where Leonard laid, you took the front and led the team deeper into the colony. The warm wind howled as it twisted and turned between the buildings, and shadows lengthened as the sun slowly dipped down below the horizon.

Damn, you swore. It was bad enough that some of the team was missing, but it made the mission even more precarious as darkness enveloped the planet. You were running out of time. If you couldn’t find them with the last of the sun’s rays, it would take the team even longer to find the rest.

With the odds stacked against you, you continued as best you could, eyes and ears opened for any disturbance. Out of nowhere, beams of orange and red could be seen and shouts were heard in the distance. 

With your heart dropping to your stomach, you indicated for the rest to run. The sounds of screams were good in a way, at least someone was still alive. The silence for the last couple hours was almost deafening, and there seemed to be nothing but death lingering in the air.  Hopefully, you could get them out of the sticky situation, grab the Romulans, and return without any trouble. But of course, the universe had other plans in store for you.

“Shit,” You cursed, docking behind a corner as the Romulans waged an all out phaser battle. You made sure the team doubled up, and the odd number left, stayed with you. Breathing heavily, you peered around the structure, observing the Romulans from up above some of the rooftops. You scowled, turning back to your partner. 

Already, you spotted some of the previous team members huddled together alongside the walls of another building across from where you were. When they finally met their gaze, they lifted their arms and gave a weak thumbs down. One indicated a body not far away from them, and drew a line across their neck with a finger.

You cursed again. One casualty already. Many more if you didn’t end this quickly.

“We have to take them out, or we’re gonna end up being sitting ducks,” You grumbled, breathing hard. Already you had accumulated some minor injuries, and the layers of sand and dust being kicked up by the fight irritated your throat making it hard to breathe at times, but you pushed on. 

Scurrying into the building you were laying against earlier, you hurried up the stairs and onto the second level. Dropping onto the floor to avoid being detected, you and the lieutenant wiggled your way towards the balcony. Placing your phaser through one of the decorative holes and aiming, you squinted. 

“Tell me, Lieutenant,” You spoke. “How long is the pause between each blow of the wind?”

The lieutenant hemmed and hawed for a minute. “About three minutes, Commander.”

“Count for me. When the wind kicks up, let me know. The sand will obscure our position, and I can take down more of them this way with less visibility.”

You took the silence from the Lieutenant as a sign of assent. Licking your dry, chapped lips, you patiently waited, all the while everything screamed at you to keep moving. You let out a breathy sigh, the only indication out of your features that chaos rolled within your mind. 

“Now.”

As the steady wind picked once more, you aimed your phaser again at the Romulan across from you that were giving the rest of the team a hard time. With your finger on the trigger, you pressed it. Screams of pain could be heard from the other side, but you swung your phaser to another, taking the three out in succession before anyone could comprehend what was going on. 

Wanting to help out, the lieutenant put up shop the same way you did, and started sniping at the romulans from those wanting to stage a surprise attack. A few phaser bolts came in your direction, forcing you to duck back down. You grunted in pain as some of them made contact with the wall you were hiding behind, wincing when a larger piece of rubble came down and smashed your other hand. 

“Commander?”

“No no, keep going,” You hissed out. “Can’t afford to stop now. They’re still pinned down.”

As the screams of pain got weaker and there was less resistance from the other Romulans, you closed your eyes briefly. You’d definitely broken one of your wrist, and you were 99% sure that a phaser bolt grazed your right leg earlier, and blood was trailing down your pants.

“Ground team got the rest, Commander,” The lieutenant spoke as the rest of the team threw a thumbs up at the balcony where you laid against.  

“Splendid, let’s haul our asses down and see the damage,” You weakly pushed yourself back up into a standing position. With the help of the lieutenant, you hobbled your way towards the street where the rest of the your team stood. 

You looked around their faces, studying them all. Scratches there, bruises, broken bones, but miraculously everyone but one was still alive. You could thank the stars for that. You already had two casualties on the list, and it was already one too many.

“Anyone seen the Captain?” You weakly coughed out. Your heart sank deeper as everyone shook their heads, and you shook your head. “Lieutenant, comm the ship. Have the second medical team be beamed down here. I’m going to go search for Jim.”

 Without waiting for an answer, you turned back towards the building once more, hoping you could get a better vantage point from up top. Squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to get a hold of yourself from the growing pain, you opened them up to look up at the starry night. 

Where are you, Jim?

A sparkle of gold from the edges of your eyes caught your attention. At the low lighting, you squinted in the direction. Visibility was low, and growing worse as the night went on. It wasn’t going to be long before a sandstorm kicked up, but you couldn’t leave Jim on his own. You couldn’t. When the moon appeared again from the clouds, you gasped out loud as you saw the moonlight bounce against his gold shirt on top of a building some distance away.  

Cursing, you hurried as fast as your legs could carry you. The medical team had already beamed down, and was tending to the more critical members. Some watched as you streaked past them, and those less injured attempted to follow you. 

~

One minute Jim was fighting close quarters with a Romulan and then the next minute, the second floor exploded, sending him several yards away. Orange red bolts of phasers repeatedly fired at both him and the rest of his ragged team. He assumed that the other half he sent away never made it back. Yet, everything sounded fuzzy to him, voices were going in and out like a broken record player. It was silent for one minute, and then loud screaming the next. They were all foreign and distant.

The blood gushing from his head and chest would attest to that. However, no matter how bad it looked, he didn’t feel pain. In fact, all he felt was utter bliss.

No. He wanted to see you and Bones again.

“Jim!” You screamed out, the same voice that soothed him on a stressful day; the very one that encouraged him on the harder nights. Arriving at where he was, you immediately knelt to the ground, desperate pushing your hands on his most critical injuries to put pressure on. “Jim? Jim, please. Open your eyes, baby.”

It was Jim. Your Jim in fact.

You just about died right then and there. Seeing Leonard was horrible already, but now this was a whole ‘nother level.

In the cool night, all the captain could think of was how beautiful your voice sounded, like the beautiful sounds of wind chimes swaying in the wind. For a moment, he imagined Bones and himself in handsome tuxedos, and you in their hands as they announced you wed in front of all your friends and family. For a moment, he let himself be content. 

“Hey doll,” Jim opened his eyes, instantly grinning at the sight of you. You were pretty in gold, he had always mentioned to you. That you were just as pretty as a wickedly gold star in the night sky. To him, you were his angel in gold. “You came for me.”

“Hey J,” You choked up, briefly pressing your comm badge to alert medical to get their ass up. “It’s not looking good though. You’re bleeding everywhere. And oh god, Len-Leonard isn’t doing too good either. Does it hurt?”

You felt stupid though. This was your first time comforting someone on the brink of death and all you could offer was if they were in pain. You weren’t a medic, and certainly didn’t have anything on you that could ease the pain. 

“Not anymore,” Jim smiled up at you, weakly bringing his hand up to your cheek. Automatically, you obliged him, nuzzling your cheek on his bloodied hand. “So beautiful, my beautiful star, my gold angel.”

For a moment, you let yourself smile. It was a familiar gesture that was between only you and Jim. It meant that he was okay, that you were okay. It broke your heart at the sight of his comforting hands. He was trying his best to console you, even though you were supposed to be the one doing it to him. 

“I love space. I love the planets. I love the new things, but nothing can compare to me loving you and Bones,” he whispered, a slight slur in his speech now. He gazed at you with the utmost adoration and love you had ever seen from him. “You and Bones are my love, and I love you all so so much.”

Then it hit you why he was saying all this now. This was his goodbye. 

Anxiety hit you like a semi truck, as you drew in a shaky breath. You knew it was bad, you knew that by the time the Enterprise could beam him up and rush him down to Medbay, it would be far too long to save him. Still you held onto hope. “Listen J, you are not dying on me and Leonard, okay? Hold on a little longer, and-and we can go find a priest or whatever and legally wed us, do you hear me?”

“Okay, Y/N,” He spoke, giving you his signature shit eating grin. You released a deep sob, nowhere near as happy as Jim was at the moment. This couldn’t be happening at the moment. This was the famous Captain James T Kirk of the goddamn USS Enterprise that took no shit from others, and believed in going out and doing right. “Doll?”

You raised your head a fraction upwards, meeting his baby blue eyes. His smile was gone, and all that was left was seriousness in those eyes. You had a feeling you knew what was going on. Intuition yelled at you to do something, anything to get him back onto the ship, but you could hardly move your limbs, let alone have the thought of moving him anywhere. Your eyes were glued to his gaze.

“I have one more wish.”

You shakily nodded at his request. The snot and your tears mixed with one another, and you hastily wiped them away as best as you could. “Of course, J, anything you want.”

“Close your eyes, Y/N. Tell me about the date again one last time.”

Each syllable destroyed what remained of the shattered pieces of your heart. That was his one last wish, his very last memory and he wanted to spend it with you in his final moments. And honestly, who were you to deny such a thing to him? 

“Yes, Jim. Of course, anything for you.”

Drawing yet another shaky breath in, you slowly laid down next to his body, despite the fact that the warm blood stained your entire body and hair. With a flip of your uninjured wrist, you opened up your comm, wedged it between your bodies, and closed your eyes as requested. Sooner or later, Nyota would catch on that this needed to be transmitted ship wide. 

“Alright Jim,” You gulped. “We were at the carnival back on Earth during one of the few shore leaves we had. It was getting dark, but you pulled your pout at the operator of the ferris wheel, begging him to let all three of us get on it one last time before the park closed. Eventually, he let us ride it again, but the time was halved. You didn’t care, Len didn’t look too happy at you at the thought of being stuck on the ride again. But we rode it. At the top, you pointed out the different constellations, the various other Federation planets, and the Spacedock where the ship was docked, wheeling around the planet.”

An audible gasp could be heard from your comm, but you ignored it. Some came from the stairs too, but you concentrated on your story as best as you could.

“It was then that you said you were ready to settle down. Find an officiant to wed us together, and we’d be happy forevermore. You said that all you needed was me and Bones, and that that was enough in your life. You had your captaincy, your ship, your crew, and us. You said that even if Starfleet took away everything, at the very least you still had me and Bones. Then afterwards, you took a couple photos of all of us together with the night sky in the background, and soon we were going back down again. Len called you a sap, and grumbled that he would never put up with your antics ever again. We all knew that was a lie though,” You trailed off at the end. Jim couldn’t help but smile at your words. Slowly, he closed his eyes, as the lights disappeared.

Once his breathing completely stopped, you tightly held his cold, still hands in a futile attempt to ground yourself one more time before you let go of consciousness.

“Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, aged 28, lost his life in a fight against the Romulans.”

After that, you passed out beside him, letting the darkness overwhelm you. 

Beep.

Beep.

A rather annoying heart monitor beeped alongside your heart, and you weakly opened your eyes to the grey and white ceiling above. For a moment, you laid there in confusion. Why were you in Medbay this time? 

Then everything hit you all over again. You groaned at the thoughts, of seeing Jim’s broken body, of talking to him one last time. Your heart rate jumped as the memories endlessly cycled.

“Easy there, Captain,” A face leaned into your eyesight, blocking the harsh overhead light. For a split second, you thought it was Leonard that was speaking to you. Then frowned in confusion as Leonard stopped calling you by your rank unless it was for something official. 

“Doctor M’Benga,” You managed out, wincing at your desert like scratchy throat. “Where is Leonard?”

The doctor nodded to the bed beside yours, and you followed his gaze. Leonard laid on the biobed, looking peaceful as ever. For once, you were glad that he didn’t know yet. It was going to be a painful conversation when it did happen. 

“Leonard is alright, in much better condition than you are,” The doctor regained your attention. “Slight touch and go for a little while there with you. Couple of broken bones that still need a couple passes with the osteo generator, and a couple times with the dermal regen is what you need left.”

“Does he know yet?” You asked, voice trembling once more. 

“No, not yet, and it is best to keep it that way until both you and Leonard are in better physical condition,” The doctor shook his head. “He should be waking up soon though. Get some rest, Y/N.”

You frowned, and immediately put up a fuss about going back to sleep. You wanted to stay up, and wait for Leonard so he could be the first thing you saw. Apparently M’Benga disagreed with you, and eventually sedated you back under, claiming that there were enough injuries to heal and didn’t need more emotional ones to add onto it.

M’Benga was right though.

Soon, Leonard was up after an hour or two after you were sedated. Groaning, he opened his eyes, and sat up.

“Good to see you too, Leonard,” M’Benga moved over to Leonard, face impassive. 

“Geoff,” Leonard greeted, laying back down on the biobed. “What happened? Where’s the baby and Jim and Y/N?”

 Geoff grinned wryly at the other doctor, handing Leonard a glass of water. “Y/N beamed down with a rescue team, found you and the rest, and got you all beamed back onto the ship. As for the baby, he’s with Christine at the moment. The Captain is in another room, and Y/N was just sedated again right there.”

Lying in front of his superior was something he disliked doing, but for the meantime it was necessary. After all, it was still correct in a sense. 

“Doesn’t look so good,” Leonard replied, observing you from his biobed as you peacefully slept. “What happened there?”

“A phaser battle presumably,” One side of the attending physician’s mouth twitched. “Y/N was up before you, and wanted to stay up to speak with you.”

“So naturally Y/N made a fuss about it,” Leonard rolled his eyes, but felt the warmth that you were willing to wait for him. 

“Yes. Leonard you’ve got a mild concussion,” Geoff hurried onward. “Other than that, if no other complication arises, you should be cleared to leave the next time you wake up. Get some rest, Leonard. I’ll handle everything for the meantime.”

“Thanks Geoff.”

Couple hours passed before you woke up once more, looking even more exhausted than before. Geoff greeted you again with a faint smile, and had Christine speak with you while she ran the dermal regen on your more superficial cuts. 

“-And then it all just happened at once,” You mumbled, laying back on the biobed as though you’d exhausted all your energy.

“It’ll be eventually alright,” Chris assured you. 

“I still got so much to do, and I’m afraid of taking up command and breaking down. You know the regulation-.”

“Hey sweetheart,” A familiar southern gravelly voice interrupted you from the bed beside. 

“Len!” You brightened up, silently thanking the stars above that Leonard was alive and well. Slightly injured, but alive at the very least. You wouldn’t know if he couldn’t make it as well. 

“Thank god you're awake, sugar,” Leonard grinned. “Heard you gave Geoff a hard time.”

You turned red, and blushed. Turning away from him, you kept your gaze on Christine’s work. 

Geoff chuckled as he strode over. ���Good to see the both of you more coherent.”

“Doctor M’Benga.”

“Geoff.”

“In this case, Leonard you’re free to leave whenever you’re ready,” The doctor then turned to you. “Y/N, once Chris gives you the thumbs up, you can leave also. I’ll have you scheduled with Leonard in three days for a follow up on your femur and wrist.” He gave you a nod, and a brief sad smile.

“I’ll wait, and take Y/N back to our quarters.”

You nodded at what Doctor M’Benga was mentioning at, and heaved a deep breath in. Oh boy. 

“Fortunately Leonard, the baby boy that we found,” The rest of M’Benga’s words were drowned out by you as you focused on the pale pink skin on one of your cuts. Jim’s lips were pink too, and soft, and pretty much everything you needed. Now, you didn't know what to do with yourself. 

“Alright, Y/N, you’re good to leave with Doctor McCoy,” Chris finally straightened, wrenching you out of your thoughts. “I’ll see you back here in three days, you hear?”

“Thanks, Chris.”

“You know Nyota and I will be here if you need a shoulder,” Chris gave you her knowing look, another sad smile on her face.   

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s go home,” Leonard took your hand firmly in his grasp, and led you back to your shared quarters.

“Len?” You mumbled on the bed, cuddling him. It was two days since you were down on the planet. There wasn’t any chance since then for you to cry it out, and Leonard still didn’t know. 

“Hmm?” 

“I-I want to speak to you about something important,” You pushed yourself up, wincing at the added pressure on your newly healed wrist. 

“What is it, sweetheart? Can it not wait for tomorrow?” Leonard sat up also, holding you close against his bare chest.

 You shook your head no. 

“It’s about Jim, love.”

“What about him?” The doctor quietly rumbled. “Geoff told me that he’s fine, and stable. A slight touch and go with the extent of his injuries, but we can go see him tomorrow.”

"Leonard,” You twisted around to properly face him, and caught his gaze. 

“Jim is dead.”

~

Later, you and Leonard insisted on seeing Jim. Volunteering himself, Spock had stayed by your side as he walked up towards the small line of silver body bags. Your hands clung to the edge of the table with white knuckles as the half Vulcan unzipped the bag slowly.

You bit the bottom of your lip as you let Leonard approach Jim first, wiping your tears away. Tearing your gaze away, you settled your tearful gaze on Spock instead. You knew that despite his stoic face, his gaze had softened a fraction from his usual rock hard sharpness. The broadcast was transmitted ship wide during a brief red alert, you'd learned afterwards, which meant all 465 crew members heard it all. 

The Bridge and the senior crew were all too close to him. Nyota, you, Spock, Len, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, everyone was affected in some way or manner. He was liked, and easy going. Everyone liked him. You could imagine Sulu holing up with his plants, Nyota crying in her quarters and Spock comforting her the best he could, and both Scotty and Chekov almost drinking their stash dry. 

“Y/N,” Leonard hoarsely beckoned you over.

“Hey J,” You croaked out, placing a gentle kiss on Jim’s forehead. “I love you, so so much.”

The letters had been Leonard’s idea. One from Leonard to you, another one from Jim to you, and the same with Jim. Leonard. Letters written in the event that in the event that one of you died, there would be final words in hopes of giving comfort to the others. Just like your will, you, len, and Jim would update it from time to time, always hoping that there would never be a need to open them. 

After speaking to Spock that you and Leonard would be taking the next day off, Len guided you out and slowly made your way back to your shared quarters. Leonard was a seasoned doctor, patients’ deaths weren't new to him. But to a loved one? He only felt cold and empty within, colder than he had ever experienced. 

You brought out three glasses from the kitchen, while Leonard popped open a new bottle of bourbon. With a nod from you, he poured a generous amount to each glass. You reached out for your glass, and paused. Sliding your gaze up to him, down to the third glass, and back up to Leonard’s puffy hazel eyes, he nodded in understanding. 

You both clinked the third glass, then to each other before tipping the glass upside down. You were on your fourth glass of booze before you even remotely remembered the letters inside the drawers. 

“Sh-should we then?” You nodded your head towards the drawers. 

Leonard’s gaze sharply brought back to your tired ones. He nodded. 

 With a huff, you slid out of your chair, and strode over to them. Rubbing your eyes again for the hundredth time or so, you slid out the bottomest drawer where Jim’s clothes were stacked neatly on top of each other. You’d remembered, as it was your turn to do laundry, and it was only you who would fold Jim’s socks that nicely. Pushing them away, your hands trembled as you gingerly took out the two letters. There was one more underneath, but it wasn’t for you or Leonard. Letting out an unsteady breath, you sat back down in your seat, giving Leonard’s his. 

Y/N.

You stared at his gold ink lettering, and reluctantly turned it over. Breaking the seal on it, you carefully peeled it open. Pulling the sheet out, you were surprised when two photos tumbled out onto the dining table. Curiously, you flipped one over and smiled despite your tears. 

You and Jim were skating on an ice rink. You were bundled up from head to toe and falling over. Jim was half turned to you in the middle of a laugh, while you were in the middle of falling. You hated the photo so much, and you remembered how much your hips hurt after that time on the open rink. He loved it though.

You sniffled, and felt your tears well up again when you turned your attention onto the second picture. It was you, Len, and Jim on the ferris wheel, the same story that you had spoken to him on his final minutes up on that roof. 

Whimpering, you tore your eyes away to look over at Leonard. He too wasn’t doing so well either. Setting the photo aside, he turned his attention to the letter now. Your tears streaked down your face and dripped constantly onto the table as you read. 

Hey Y/N,

If you are reading this, then I guess this is it. 

You’re sad and frustrated, I know. Sometimes I feel like I can read you more than I can ever understand myself. Whether it’s twenty, thirty, forty years before we’re united again, I can’t wait. But don’t rush back to me. Live your life the way it ought to be lived. Become the next Captain, have a life, and settle down with Bones when it comes time. My biggest regret in life is that it was so short, and cut off right at the time where I wanted to live through the most. Bones once told me that love was harsh, and unforgiving. When I met you though, you blasted that all away in a heartbeat. However, I’m not afraid of what life would be like without you, but what your life without me. 

I’ll never forget the memories that we shared together. The first hug, the first kiss, the first time all three of us enjoyed ourselves on shore leave, and the time we spent together on the ship. I’m glad that Nyota finally pushed me into getting to know you better. 

Take care of Bones, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and please take care of mom for me. She’s already lost dad, and it’ll be even harder when she learns that I’m gone too. I’ll be up above, watching over everyone. I’m not gone completely. You have memories of me, and my love in your heart. One day, it’ll all be okay. There are so many people in our lives that care about you and Bones. Let them heal you please. 

I love you and Bones, simple as that. Words can’t describe my love for you. Keep your head up high and make me proud, Captain Y/L/N. 

Love and forever yours,

Jimmy Boy

Bam!

Startled, you let the letter flutter down, only to find Leonard roughly slamming his glass down on the table. You heard a whimper, and you honestly didn’t know if it was coming from you or him. 

“One more?” You managed out, wiping the tears away with the back of your hand again. 

The doctor filled both glasses again with bourbon, and smiled tearfully at you. 

“To Jim.”

“To Jim.”

Leonard, Winona, and you were dressed in black as you held each other, watching as Jim’s casket was lowered into the ground on Earth. As a Captain, he was given full honors and rights and a minute of silence was held. You and Leonard wrote the eulogy together, and the senior crew took turns upon the podium to tell their tales of the wonderful Captain Kirk. When they were done, you sobbed into Leonard’s chest as one of the Admiral stood up and concluded the funeral.

You were made Captain of the Enterprise after a month into the three months shore leave. You were grateful for Starfleet giving you time to grieve for Jim’s loss. It was eventually going to be exciting, but without Jim by your side, you didn’t know if it was possible. 

Laying on Jim’s childhood bed in Iowa, Leonard cuddled you. You let out a sigh, and looked out the window and at the stars above. It was new, not having the rambunctious captain to not be poking out from a corner, and teasing you. Gradually as time went on though, you expected less of his appearances. 

“Could I get you two anything to drink?” Jim’s mom called from the door. 

“We’re all good here, mom. Thanks,” You called out, glancing up at Leonard. 

It only made sense to call Winona as mom since you were going to marry her son. She needed the warmth of a family, now that both of her husband and son were gone. You and Leonard were more than happy to step in. Jim would have wanted you to.

“Alright, yell if you want anything,” Winona left. You listened as her footsteps padded away from the door, and relaxed back into the embrace. 

“Will we be okay?” You asked in the silence. 

“Yes, sweetheart,” Leonard spoke quietly, but his voice was distant as though he had something else in mind. 

He was a doctor. He was trained to look for patterns, and he excelled in that. Something else was gnawing at him, and it troubled him. He wanted to speak to you about it, but he knew that it wouldn’t dissuade you. 

Christopher Pike, blonde hair, blue eyes, Admiral, dead.

George Kirk, blonde hair, blue eyes, First Officer, dead.

James Kirk, blonde hair, blue eyes, Captain, dead. 

Y/N Y/L/N, blonde hair, blue eyes, Captain. 

Star Trek Tags: @mournthewicked (Enjoy your day off!) Join the taglist!

Thanks for reading! If you want to read some fluffy fics to ease up from this sobfest, my masterlist is here. Or better yet, send in a request! (Always looking for ideas)

[danwhobrowses]

America, We Need to Talk

For some reason in these past years the concept of ‘Reason’ and ‘Sense’ has departed your country, I’ve hissed, I’ve simmered, I’ve hit my head against the wall hoping that in the end IN THE END the collective mass of the American People will open their eyes, stop making excuses and realise that for 4 years, America has not become ‘Great Again’ I’ve resisted the urge to unload many a time, but news that Donald Trump is to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize is just too much, because this is literal horseshit. For some part it feels like they’re only trying it just so Republicans can force a rhetoric as if Trump did a better job than Obama - who won in 2009 for easing religious tensions, preventing Nuclear Weapons distribution and profiting, working towards fixing climate change and assisting with the UN - as people die of COVID, cities burn and violence against peaceful protests continue to ravage your country.

I have to say that again, Ravage, because I feel as though some people are blind to the matter at hand. Donald Trump will say something and his cult of followers will believe it, when someone disagrees and presents evidence it’s deemed irrelevant or forged, if a Democrat says something on the contrary they need a full powerpoint presentation to prove it, somehow this mentality has poisoned the American society when the louder people will say something in confidence only for the rest of the world to read and think it’s one of the dumbest shit they’ve ever read. This isn’t just coming from a Brit, this is coming from family in Chicago, a co-worker who moved out of America and worked in the army, Italians, Greeks and someone who was in Hong Kong during the riots. The people who believe in Democracy, Majority Vote, Free Healthcare, Fair Wage, Equal Rights AND international peace that doesn’t look towards World War Fucking Three look at your country in shame because the state of your leadership and how it’s been allowed to continue with ridiculously boneheaded and stubborn reluctance to see the truth. So let’s start with the boiling point shall we, a Nobel Peace Prize Nomination? Have you learned anything from the last year? Or has the far-right got the prize so by the balls that this nomination is used as a cheap add-on to coincidentally peacock the Trump administration in its build to an election. The nomination to Trump has been cited to be in favour of the following things; Israel-UAE relations (aka ‘Saving the Middle East), Serbia-Kosovo deal (aka ‘Saving the ‘Middle East’’), Inter-Korea relations and likely the support of Jerusalem and Hong Kong, and in face value that may sway the common person who knows nothing about these deals. But a simple amount of research cuts most of these at the legs. Let’s talk Serbia and Kosovo, since it’ll directly involve Israel, relations were tense but they have not been at war, they are peacefully not talking to each other. The media will have you think that Peace has been brokered by Trump only in this but in reality Serbia still refuses to recognize Kosovo’s independence, the tensions are still there you can just travel there now. This is an agreement that’s been build up since the economic and trade agreement in 2013. If that year isn’t surprising you that is 3 years before Trump was elected, when Barrack Obama was in office - Republican Public Enemy Hillary Clinton was at the forefront of that when she was Secretary of State. So no, Trump hasn’t saved the Middle East by this deal, mainly because Kosovo and Serbia are in Europe, they have been part of the EU for quite some time and the deal is already jeopardized since Serbia won’t build an embassy in Jerusalem if Israel recognize Kosovo as independent - which was part of the original deal. Also for all the Republicans’ use of ‘fear by Communism’ to slander their opponents they sure love to rub shoulders with countries also rubbing shoulders with Russia and China. So this segues into Israel-UAE, the Arab Nations have mainly been reluctant to recognize Israel as independent. On the 13th August a deal was struck called the Abraham agreement establishing Diplomatic Relations. Except, this was in the making since 2012 and only delayed to help progress Israeli-Palestine conflicts (which Trump’s actions with Israel led to Palestine cutting ties with the administration and his ‘Peace Plan’ falling apart 3 years after announcing it). UAE and Israel had been in conversation before Trump was signed in, but only made headway when the FDD - already funded by the UAE - took over. For 3 years USA did little for the relations, UAE and Israel doing it themselves, it’s only now do the US mediate a peace agreement, which meant that Trump didn’t really do much in terms of convincing both sides, he just made sure things didn’t get out of hand - which was never close to happening since there is little tensions. It was Kushner who requested the meeting and Mossad also had a huge part in it. Also I want to add that the US are only buddied with these two out of fear of Iran - you know, that country that Trump almost goaded into war in January after bombings and the death Assassination of General Soleimani who helped the US in the wake of 9/11 track and hunt down the Taliban, as well as fighting ISIS, how peaceful was that? The Middle East is still in Civil and Proxy Wars, no saving has been done there, the US just were there for Israel and UAE to confess that they’re friends. Which leads me to Korea. The Olympics helped more than Trump did, a shared effort where both countries had to travel and accommodate each other. Tensions may’ve eased in 2016 but they were far from resolved and in 2020 not much is better. Korea still antagonize one another and the North still antagonizes the US, any ‘peace’ the Trump Administration will claim to towards Korea faded quickly. And finally, Hong Kong, the US may be supportive and rightly so but this is again fear of Communism, it should’ve happened sooner but the US was hoping for that big and meaty trade deal with China. And this isn’t months I’m talking about it’s years, the proposal first took place after the Umbrella Movement...in 2014, it was annually brought up in Congress but postponed until the Senate decided to. And after Trump signed it he said he might veto it in favour of the China trade deal

“We have to stand with Hong Kong, but I'm also standing with President Xi: he's a friend of mine." - Donald Trump, November 2019

So really, this Nobel Peace Prize is the product and efforts of other people that set events in motion that Trump was there just to sign his name on. Meanwhile, in the country he is President of, the COVID Death toll has officially risen to 190 Thousand. 20% of COVID deaths are in the United States. Tear Gas/Pepper Spray - which is a recognized chemical weapon not allowed to be used in warfare - is used by Trump Supporters along with paintballs to attack peaceful protesters and Trump calls that peaceful because ‘Paint is not bullets’ - as someone who has been hit with Paintballs from safe range, they will hurt like a bitch and if you don’t wear protective gear they can do enough harm to crack and sometimes even break bone, the asthmatic co-worker I aforementioned that was in Hong Kong also notes that Tear Gas is awful, it may not kill you but it is far from peaceful. In the same breath Trump refuses to condemn a 16 year old carrying an AR and shooting someone in the head. He has also refused to condemn Epstein’s financier Ghislaine Maxwell and ‘hopes that she’s well’...the sex trafficker, but when you mention late Civil Rights leader John Lewis and his words are ‘can’t say one way or the other...he didn’t come to my inauguration’. This is your leader. The embodiment of the standards the country upholds itself to, it baffles me and many many others that the American People Chose a racist, bigoted, misogynistic, careless, self-important, naive, power-mad, severally-bankrupted, reality tv personality man-child, who is also intending to use US Taxpayers money to cover lawsuit fees against him alongside all his other golf trips. The man literally said that no other president has done more for Black People than he has, this is while he profusely condemned Kaepernick taking a knee to protest Police Brutality against Blacks and POC only for years later the world support it as BLM protests still happen because action has not been taken. We’ll also see what happens on the 14th regarding the Felony Hearing of the officers in Buffalo who pushed over Gugino and gave him a brain injury which he is still rehabilitating from after Trump tried to sell him as an Antifa member. Just in case you’re unaware, antifa stands for anti-fascist but Trump will paint that again in ‘Fear of Communism’. If you actually look up this stuff, the web of Trump’s lies unravel, and yet people just forget about. The man is a pro at gaslighting I’ll give him that, I mean leaking e-mails that condemned Clinton right at election time was some cutthroat stuff, but a man who needs to rely on preying on xenophobia, paranoia, fear, racism and invests mainly on smear tactics and dismantling, is not someone who can lead a country to prosperity, the amount of leeway this man gets from his supporters just hurts my head. So let me ask you America, truly, what is it that you want? Because it can’t be this, can it? Protests, Riots, people refusing to wear a simple face mask to limit the spread of a deadly virus because they think it’s a fake thing that the entire world decided to get in on with WHO just to spite Trump? Teenagers carrying guns? Refugees refused asylum and kept in cages? Do you want to keep spending your savings just to go to the doctors? or do you think that ‘Patriotism’ is blindly defending your country’s flaws and clinging to archaic and outdated thinking because centuries ago your country prospered in it? I’ll tell it to you straight: America is not the greatest country in the world, it hasn’t been for a long time. I don’t know what your history books tell you; that Native Americans were fine with slaughter, that the US won WW2 with the military might they always had, that Vietnam was a moral victory, but the present day should tell you that your country is a mess, and the man who has been at the helm for 4 years will not fix it in another 4. There’s only so much of Obama’s policies he can plagiarize as his own; he has left the UN, left the Paris Agreement for cleaner air and energy and all his original campaign members have been arrested, an alarming amount of people associated with him are facing criminal charges - is that not a red flag? Don’t let your thoughts that as a patriot you have to support your country no matter what, true patriotism is not just the love of your country but the hope and strive to better it because you can love it but accept that it has flaws. I mean even I’ll admit that the UK has a lot of its own shit to deal with, doesn’t mean I hate where I live I just know it can be better. If this were anyone else, hell if this were a Democrat the Republican party would be booking them a flight to the other side of the world with the stuff Trump has done and let to continue on with afterwards, through him you went from the United States to an Absolute State and the rest of the world wonder if this will either lead to World War 3 or a Second American Civil War You don’t have to like Joe Biden, but he clearly looks like the lesser of the two evils here, and at least in 4 years time America under him won’t be on fire. If you still don’t like him someone new could be elected after, but right now you are on a downward spiral and need someone who can put you back into a stable place, that man is not Donald Trump. The man who wants to intercept mail-in voting and outcry its ‘risk’ of tampering when he himself voted by mail is not a truthful leader, the man who tried to cancel the World Health Organization when they simply asked to not call COVID a racist name that incited xenophobia after decrying cancel culture is not a moral leader, and the man who said that COVID would peter out and suggested injecting disinfectant into the lungs to combat it only to now suddenly buy out all the experimental treatment so that they can try and engineer a cure in time for the election campaign, is not a wise leader. All the stuff you see in these coming months is just an attempt to win your vote, for the most part it’ll be Trump stamping his name on something other people worked on for years and claiming that he did all the work. So make sure you actually check the truth of these things, research and fact-check yourself with valid, neutral sources. Take off the blinders, take a breath and actually see the full picture. And please, as well as not letting this man have the Nobel Peace Prize Don’t give this guy have a Second Term

[atths--twice]

Ahhh... here we are at another favorite of mine. I apologize in advance, but this one is a bit rough, as you may be able to tell by the gif. However, it is a pain that needs to be  dealt with and discussed. I hope you enjoy it. 

Chapter Seventeen 

Therapeutic Thanksgiving 

Scully has an appointment with Doctor Kosseff and they discuss many things that need to be brought to light. Guidance and care from her Mom also help to ease a broken heart. 

November 2015

To say that Scully enjoyed therapy with Doctor Kosseff would be somewhat misleading. She did like the feeling of the constant pressure inside her abating a bit when she left the office. She did not like the amount of crying she had done, the headaches she had suffered, and the past hurts that were dusted off and re-examined. It hurt so much sometimes, she wanted to leave and never come back.

Since bumping into her at the coffee shop in June, Scully had only seen Doctor Kosseff seven different times. Work got in the way, and while she knew her own self-care was important, she was pulled into cases, and unable to get away. Doctor Kosseff was understanding, and Scully repeatedly expressed her thanks.

Her first session was a train wreck. She broke down and cried for most of the hour. Doctor Kosseff remained silent and let her ramble and cry, her words tumbling over each other, not even sure what she was saying, only remembering the sobs. As Scully took the tissues handed to her, Doctor Kosseff smiled and sighed before nodding at her.

Her next session was better. The conversation was more structured, and Doctor Kosseff insisted Scully call her Karen. Scully looked at her and tried to respond with some coherent explanation of why that seemed wrong, but she was unable to do anything but nod.

“We may not have seen each other in a while, Dana,” Karen said with a smile. “But we go way back, and that counts for something.” She smiled, and again Scully felt tears in her eyes.

The fourth session though, that one was rough. Crying seemed to be a normal occurrence as soon as she sat on the couch in the office, but that day was worse, as if something was infecting her and causing her to behave unlike herself. Choking on her tears she began to cry out her worries for Mulder.

“I know he’s a grown man, and more than capable of caring for himself, but I’m worried about him. Is he sleeping? Taking his medication? He said he’s seeing a therapist and he’s sending emails, but how is he really? I miss him so much,” she whispered wiping at her eyes. “It’s like I’ve lost part of myself.”

Karen handed her the tissues and Scully laughed bitterly, dabbing her eyes and blowing her nose. “I’m an independent woman, I’ve always prided myself on that, but … I need him, and all these years later, it terrifies me,” she said looking at Karen and shaking her head. Karen smiled and waited for her to continue, but no words were forthcoming.

“Does it terrify you because you don’t want to live without him or you’re worried you don’t know how?” Karen asked quietly.

Scully shook her head, wiping at her eyes again. “It isn’t that. I know I can live without him, and no I don’t want to live without him. I want to be with him. But what terrifies me are the lengths I will go to, to do so. Two years I stayed and felt like I was drowning at times, but I stayed because … I love him. I know him and I felt that if I could have just done more, I could have helped. If I had seen it earlier or demanded differently …” She shook her head, tears falling again. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, taking deep breaths to calm down.

“Dana, I know you feel this is your fault, that you could have stopped it from happening,” Karen said in her soft calm voice. “But could you have done anything? Really done anything? As you say, you know Fox better than anyone. Could you have changed him or done anything to fix the situation at the time?”

Scully stared at her and wanted to say of course she could, she should have done something. This was her fault. She was the one who left. Karen’s eyes had stopped her from speaking and forced her to look down, the openness she saw in them too much for her at that moment.

“Dana, I’d like you to do something for me when you leave here today,” Karen said kindly, writing something on her notepad. “When you leave, I want you to think of the times when you think saying something or fighting with Fox would have changed the outcome of where you are now. I’d like you to do that before our next meeting.”

Scully sat at home that night, writing out all the times she could think of when Mulder had not come to bed, had pushed her past the point of anger, when he had stayed closed up in his office and shut her out. There were many instances, and seeing them there in black and white hurt in a different way than before.

She ticked off each one as she imagined a different outcome, a way it would have changed if she had barged in the office, turned off the WiFi, or demanded he sit down and listen to her. None of those times would have resulted in a change. She knew that, but she had needed to see it laid out before her to understand it completely. She shook her head as she cried, knowing once again that this, being apart, was the only decision that was right, even if it made her heart ache.

She sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. She knew it was not within her ability to change the outcome, but she had taken it upon herself and that was not fair. They were both to blame, as they had not communicated how they felt. God, they were so bad at it sometimes. Both of them held back and yet expected the other to be forthcoming. After so many years together, it would seem they would have this shit figured out, but no. Jesus Christ …

Knowing what the problem was, she felt that going back to see Karen would not help. She needed to talk to Mulder, but right now that was not going to happen. Time was all she needed, she thought with a sigh and a shake of her head.

On the agreed upon appointment time though, she was there, waiting to speak to Karen and working on moving forward. They discussed Mulder again, the outcomes she knew she could not change, and then Karen brought up the medication Scully had prescribed for him. Not until Karen pointed it out to her did Scully consider the extent of the side effects he could have been suffering. The lack of sex drive, or ability to even have sex, had not been something that was in the forefront of thought when she had gotten him the medication.

Again, she left the office not wanting to go back, her embarrassment and anger at herself simmering at the surface. Angry that she had not seen the forest for the trees, focusing on one area and missing the rest. She wanted to help his depression and other aspects were a second thought. She paced around her apartment, wanting to call Mulder, and apologize for her own neglect when it came to his care.

Thinking back to the fact that they had still been having sex, up to a certain point, it meant he must have forgone his medication. Her anger and confusion with him made sense now that she figured he was not remaining steady with taking his pills. She failed him, again. Curling up in bed, she apologized to him repeatedly, wishing he could hear her.

That was a couple of weeks ago and today, the day before Thanksgiving, she was ready to start her eighth session, finally feeling a bit more comfortable.

“Dana,” Karen said, smiling at her as she came into the waiting room, shaking Scully’s hand as she always did before ushering her into the office. “How are you?”

“Fine. I’m good. Work is busy, as I’m sure yours is at this time of year. Everyone seems to have more problems around the holidays,” Scully said with a small laugh. Karen smiled and nodded.

“Yes, it’s usually busy this time of year. Do you have holiday plans?”

“I’m spending it with my mother this year. Actually heading there after our session,” Scully said and Karen nodded with a smile.

“How are other things? Have you spoken to Fox? Or kept to the emails and texts between you?” Karen asked with a glance at Scully.

“Just the emails and texts. Though it’s been further between them at times.”

Karen smiled at her and made some notes before she looked up again. She exhaled and kept eye contact with Scully, gauging her, it seemed. Scully shifted in her seat and took a deep breath. She licked her lips and closed her eyes before looking up at Karen, knowing this was going to hurt.

“I had a dream last night. About William,” she said quietly. Karen nodded, having heard about him before, and Scully closed her eyes again. “We were walking down the street, and I could feel his hand in mine. It was so small, I could feel all the bones as I ran my thumb across the top of his hand. Then it was bigger and he was there but pulled away from me. I tried to reach for him, to grab for his fingers, but I couldn’t find him. I woke up crying, trying to grab for something that wasn’t there.” She opened her eyes, tears welling inside them before they spilled over, and she wiped them away.

“It’s been fourteen years and I know ... I know that he’s ... he has a family, parents who love him and care for him,” Scully said quietly, tears flowing freely from her eyes. “I have to hope he is okay, anyway. My head knows that, but my heart is not always so accommodating. I still can’t help but wonder ... or worry if he has ever remembered me and I wasn’t there. Did he cry for me those first few nights after he left? Did they know he liked to be sung to and rocked a certain way? Was he ... was he happy? I know, as a doctor and as a scientist, that he would have no memories of me, he was too young. But ... what if … what if he woke up not knowing why he was dreaming of someone he didn’t know, but he felt scared and alone?”

She stopped talking and sobbed into her hands, thinking of William, and the weight of him in her arms. She remembered how she would hold him and breathe in his baby smell, the happiness of finally being a mother had been so overwhelming. His rosy cheeks and soft downy head were the most beautiful things she had ever seen.

Letting him go, knowing it was for his protection, was the hardest decision she ever had to make, and she did it alone. Mulder did not even get a chance to weigh in and voice his opinion or the possibility of a different plan. She had agonized, cried, and screamed over the decision she made. It was she who crumbled to the ground when William was taken from her, her heart that shattered when her baby, the only one she would ever have, was given a better chance of survival away from her. It was she and her mother who clung to one another in the days after he was gone. No Mulder to mourn with her, hold her, or simply grab them both and run, never looking back.

Her sobs began to subside, although not by much. She felt the box of tissues being softly placed on her lap and it caused her to cry more. Taking one from the box, she dabbed at her eyes and wiped her face, then took some deep breaths. She still cried, but her loud and aching sobs had seemed to slow. She blew her nose and took more tissues out to again wipe her face. Keeping her head bowed, she simply sat and waited.

“Dana,” Karen said barely above a whisper. “What does Fox say when you discuss these feelings with him?” Scully shook her head, unable to speak. “Do you not discuss William? Or how you felt during that time of your life?”

Taking a shuddering breath, Scully shook her head again. “It ... it’s sort of an unwritten understanding, so to speak. We ... we talk about William in a roundabout way, but rarely directly, if at all. It hurts to talk about it, and I don’t want to cause Mulder that hurt.”

“Fox?” Karen asked, her tone sharper than Scully had ever heard it. She raised her head and looked at her, finding her face serious and somewhat hard. “Why is your worry for him, when you are affected this way?”

“He wasn’t there. It wasn’t his choice and ... and he ... he missed everything. I took that away from him, his chance at fatherhood. If ... if we talk about what we could have done or how it may have been, it would dredge up too much ... and,” Scully said, shaking her head, remembering the times they had gotten close to having the talk and the look on Mulder’s face. The pain she saw, the anguish. She hated seeing him that way, and eventually not discussing it had been easier.

“Dana, sometimes the only way to move forward is to dump out the past and wade through it. Yes, it may most definitely be painful, but leaving it tucked away and hidden ...” Karen shook her head and looked at Scully. “Keep it hidden, and it festers and rots. It becomes a poison inside that strangles you and stunts your growth. Don’t let this continue to be a poison in your life.”

_____________________

Scully left the office a while later, and walked to her car, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to lay down and sleep. She got in and sat down, closing and locking the door before leaning her head against the headrest, closing her eyes, and sighing.

Exhausted, no, it was not the right word to describe how she felt. She felt boneless like her body was a heavy pile of goo, and it would remain that way forever. Everything ached and she thought never leaving the car sounded like a wonderful idea. She leaned forward and put her head on the steering wheel, her eyes still closed.

You can’t stay here, Dana. You need to get moving, she thought. Heaving a huge sigh, she turned on the car and begin the drive to her mother’s house. She was looking forward to staying with her for the holiday weekend. Some time off work, catching up with her mom, and seeing some old friends sounded wonderful. Right now though, she simply wanted to crawl in bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

Pulling into her mother’s driveway, she sat for a few minutes, collecting her strength, waiting for her body to become less goo-like. Taking a breath, she opened the door, took her overnight bag out of the backseat, and walked up to the front door. She used her key and called out to her mother she was there.

“Dana!” her mother said, coming out of the kitchen wearing an apron and wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “You’re early! I was thinking it would be a couple hours more before you got here.” She smiled at her and pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Hey, Mom,” Scully said, returning the hug and holding on longer than usual. Her mother looked her in the eyes as she put a hand to her face.

“Rough session?” her mother asked softly. Scully nodded and sighed. Her mother also sighed and brushed her thumb across Scully’s cheek. “Well, would mixing up ingredients for pies help you at all?” Scully laughed out a sob and nodded. Her mother patted her cheek and turned to head back to the kitchen. Scully set her bag down on the couch and followed her.

For the next couple of hours, they worked together, mixing and baking pies, cutting vegetables for the next day, and setting the table. Spending time with her mother helped her feel better, but she could feel tears threatening to fall at any time. When the last chore was finished, her mother put the kettle on, grabbed mugs and tea bags, and took off her apron.

Once the kettle whistled, and the tea was made, she reached for Scully’s hand, looking at her with her kind eyes. That was all it took for Scully’s tears to begin. She told her mother of the session that day, of her dream and the discussion that had followed. Sure she had cried herself dry, she was surprised by the amount of tears she still had left. Her mother kept her hand on hers and rubbed her arm.

Scully put her head on the table and her mother moved closer to stroke her hair and speak words of comfort. Scully cried and cried, letting her mother’s love and calmness wash over her. When she had no tears left, she sat trying to calm her sobs. Her mother rested her head against her and told her how much she loved her, how proud she was of her, making Scully cry again.

Her mother helped her to her feet and pulled her in for a hug. “Dana, I know how hard this is for you, how hard it was. I remember.” Scully held her tight and cried softly. “You just go ahead and cry, honey.”

They stood there for a few minutes before Scully pulled back and stared at her mother. Her soft hands were on her cheeks, wiping her tears as she had when past heartbreaks had felt so big. Those had been nothing compared to this pain, but the comfort she felt gave her strength.

Her mother gave her a small smile and grasped her hand, pulling her upstairs to the master bedroom. Scully stood by the bed and heard the water running in the tub. She closed her eyes and sat on the bed, waiting for her mother to come as she knew she would.

She felt a brush in her hair and she sighed, more tears slipping out, as her mother softly brushed her hair. Her shoes were slipped off, her sweater slipped over her head leaving her in her camisole, and then she was pulled to her feet. She opened her eyes as she walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the tub.

The scent of lavender bubble bath surrounded her as her mother walked away, allowing her some privacy. She undressed,  and stepped in, sinking into the deep tub, as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

She lay in the tub, exhausted and boneless when she heard her mother’s quiet footfall. Without opening her eyes, she heard the water shut off, and then felt her mother come next to her. Her bare feet and legs came on other side of Scully in the tub, as she sat on the ledge behind her.

She began to massage Scully’s head as she hummed quietly. It was not a particular song, but it was comforting. After a few minutes, her mother put her hair up and rubbed her neck and shoulders. Scully felt her sadness lessening with each touch of her mother’s comforting hands.

Scully reached up and grabbed her mother’s hand. “Thank you, Mom,” she whispered. Her mother squeezed her hand and then extricated herself from the tub, kissing the top of Scully’s head before she left.

Opening her eyes a few minutes later, she saw that a towel and washcloth had been placed by the tub. She leaned forward and picked up the washcloth, washing her body, before relaxing for a few more minutes. Stepping out of the tub, she dried off and then wrapped the soft towel around her body.

Walking into her mother’s room, she saw her bag had been brought into the room and left on the bed. She smiled at the love and care her mother had shown as she took out her pajamas and underwear. She dressed and then hung up the towel as her mother came back in the bathroom. She smiled at Scully and motioned to the vanity.

Scully sat down and her mother stepped behind her, taking her hair down. Picking up her brush, she began to brush her hair again.

“That day, that last day,” her mother said quietly, the brush slowly stroking through Scully’s hair. “It was horrible, I will not deny that. My heart broke with yours, Dana. I know what that baby meant to you, to Fox. I know if you could have, you would have kept him with you.” Her mother paused as she took a breath and shook her head. “But I had been there, I saw the danger not only him but you were in with him there. You made the right choice, Dana. You did.”

Scully looked at her mother in the mirror and her eyes were sad, but she smiled at Scully. Her mother nodded and Scully breathed out a deep sigh, looking back down.

“It’s easier to see it clearly when it’s been so many years, I know that, but it was right, Dana,” her mother began to rub her head again, her short fingernails scratching at her scalp. “I ... I had a hard time with it after William and then you were gone. I was depressed and alone and worried ...”

“Mom?” Scully interrupted, her head snapping up and looking at her mother in the mirror. “You never ...”

“I never said ... no,” she said, looking back at Scully once again with her kind sad eyes. “I know what that decision meant to you. I know how hard it was for you to make. At the time it happened, I wasn’t going to add to your heartache. I was there with you to lessen your pain, Dana. Then Fox was on trial and your focus was understandably on his fate. You left, as you should have done, you were where you needed to be, but those of us left behind, we were left to wonder and carry on. Your friends, John and Monica, were there and they helped to pack up your place. Eventually, though, even they were gone.”

Scully sat frozen. Of course she knew that when they left there had been those behind picking up the slack, but her mind and concern had only been on her and Mulder’s safety. She had worried for her mother, hated how she had simply left her, and not had the chance to say goodbye. When every day they had to worry about being seen, possibly recognized, and what would happen if they were, worries for those at home took a backseat. Now, she was learning it had been worse than she thought for her mother.

“Mom,” she began, but her mother interrupted her.

“Dana, I’m not saying this to hurt you, I’m telling you I understand. I understand your pain. I’ve felt it, and it took me down for a little while. It was nothing you did, but the circumstances out of your hands. As much as it hurt and continues to do so, it was the right decision, Dana. I knew it then, but the sadness still swallowed me up as it did you today,” her mother said, looking in the mirror, her hands on Scully’s shoulders. “Let the sadness in, and then let it out. You did what you needed to protect him, you, and everyone around you. He is safe because of a sacrifice you made, a painful choice you made. He is safe, Dana.”

Scully’s eyes filled with tears again and she nodded her head. Her mother wrapped her arms around her and held her close, Scully placed her hands on top of her mother’s and held her to her.

Her mother kissed her cheek and they both let go of one another and smiled. Scully stood up and pulled her mother in for a hug, her mother whispering she loved her. Scully closed her eyes and held her tighter. When she stood back, her mother smiled at her and Scully smiled back, incredibly tired all of a sudden.

“Could ... could I sleep in your bed tonight?” she asked her mother hesitantly. She nodded with a smile and Scully turned to head to the bedroom.

She laid down and pulled the covers close around her, hearing her mother let the water out of the tub, and getting ready for bed. A few minutes later, the lights were turned off, and her mother laid down next to her. Scully reached for her hand and her mother held tight.

“I love you, Mom,” she whispered, as she squeezed her hand and took a deep breath.

“I love you too, Dana. So very much,” her mother whispered back, with a squeeze of her own.

Scully closed her eyes and let her tired body relax, seeking the sleep she so badly needed. Her heart and her mind had been lovingly cared for by her mother. Now she needed to find the same relief for her body. She squeezed her mother’s hand once more before sleep found her, drawing her in to bring her comfort.

[avengerscompound]

The Tower: Unexpected, 3

The Tower: Unexpected An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist Previous //

Pairing:  Avengers x ofc, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 1397

Warnings:   Angsty pregnancy stuff, talk of abortion, and throwing up

Synopsis: A little over 2 years after moving into the Avengers Tower, Elly finds herself pregnant against the odds.  While some are excited, others are terrified, and pregnancy that none expected to happen causes rifts through the group and threatens to end the relationship.  

Author’s Note:  Written with the lovely @fanficwriter013

Chapter 3: Natasha

I hadn’t expected the news to go down well.  These guys had taken precautions.  There were reasons they didn’t want children.  I had expected that when I went to bed in the common room I’d have woken up to at least one or two of the guys here with me.  Even if they weren’t really at the acceptance stage.  Just because they were supposed to love me and be worried about how I was doing too.

I think, honestly, if it wasn’t for Natasha, I would have booked in an abortion that same day.

I woke up to Wanda pressed tightly against my back still asleep and Natasha sitting up next to me with a coffee in her hand.  Hulk was in the room too, sitting silently watching us, like a big green guard dog.  I was about to say good morning to them when a wave of nausea crashed down on me, I think set off by Natasha’s coffee.  I jumped to my feet, startling Wanda awake and ran to the bathroom.  Hulk moved quickly to follow. The building had been made to accommodate him after a few incidents that had taken out various sections.  He followed me in and as gently as he could, pat my back as I threw up in the toilet.

“Elly, okay?” He rumbled, genuine concern in his voice.

“Yeah, big guy.  Just morning sickness.”  I said.

“Baby okay?”  He asked.

I threw up again and Natasha arrived, holding back my hair.  “Okay, Mishka.  I’ve got you.”  She soothed.

When I was sure I was done I washed my face and rinsed my mouth out before returning to bed.  “Good, girl.  You should rest.”  Natasha said getting back into bed with me and pulling the covers up.  Wanda had left the room, and her absence felt like a kick to the stomach.

“Maybe I should just terminate.  No one wants this.  I got this picture in my head of us all being super parents or something and it’s obviously a dumb pipe dream.  Better I not to drag it out.”  I said.

Hulk made a deep growl sound that was slightly threatening and startled me a little.  “Hulk want baby.  Hulk dad.”

“Please stop saying no one wants this.  I want this.  I won’t force you to go through with this if you don’t want to, but I want this.  If it was only you and me that did I’d leave with you and … I dunno… get a farm and try and raise the babies as a monogamous couple if that’s what it took.  It’s not just me though.  Hulk wants this.  Wanda wants this.  You aren’t alone.  If you want to have the baby, we’re here.  The others will be too.  Just give them some processing time.  They didn’t expect this at all.”

I groaned and pulled myself into a fetal position.  I had never felt so alone since I’d joined the group.  “I am processing too.  Why do they get to run away to process and I just have to wake up puking my guts up?”

“Biology, mishka,”  Natasha replied gently.

“Wanda left,”  I said.

“To get you something for your nausea.  Don’t think things like that about me.”  Wanda scolded as she carried in a tray.  She placed it carefully beside me before sitting down.  “This is a porridge made from millet seeds,”  She said pointing to the bowl.  “And this is ginger tea.”

“Thank you, Wanda.  I’m sorry I doubted you.”  I said and sat up taking a drink from the tea.  I couldn’t quite get my head around why Natasha and Wanda seemed so excited about this.

“You are still doubting me, cut it out,”  Wanda said, twisting her wrist so a small ball of light formed on her fingers and then flicking it at me, so it zapped my thigh.

“Ow, sorry.  I just don’t get it.  Why?  It’s not like you can’t have kids yourself.”  I argued.

“You are right, I can.  But it has not been something I’d considered properly.  No one ever brought it up.  I’m young.  It was a one-day thing.  But I love children.  I want to be a mother and I am excited about this.  I can’t wait to hold your baby.  Our baby.  This is going to change everything and I am excited about that change.”

I sighed and nodded my head.  “Okay.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, beautiful.  I understand that you’re dealing with a lot right now.”  Wanda said and kissed my cheek.  “Now eat.  You’ve gotta take care of yourself.”

I had a mouthful of the millet.  It was bland enough to help settle my stomach but not so bland that it was like eating cardboard.  “What about you, Tasha?”

“Okay, so…”  Natasha said and took a breath like she was steeling herself.

“So…”   I repeated.

“Remind me of what you know about my past.”

I frowned worried about where this was going and hated myself for making her have to go over it again.  “I know about the Red Room.  That they trained you telling you, you were going to be a ballerina.  That they brainwashed you and experimented on you like Bucky.  That they trained you to be assassins and to use sex when necessary.”

“Okay, what you don’t know is about a man named Nikolai,”  Natasha said.

“What about Nikolai?”

Natasha frowned and dropped her eyes like she was ashamed.  “I had been promised to him.  We were married.  I got, I was… we were…”

“Pregnant?”  I asked.

Nat closed her eyes and nodded her head slightly.  “Yes.  But what they did…”

I ran my hand over my stomach protectively as I watched this woman let down every wall and allow herself to be vulnerable.  A woman who was normally so together and strong.   A woman who used her strength and intimidation as a protective wall to stop herself from getting hurt.  It was a little scary.  “What happened?”

“I lost it.”  She said.  “And I found out afterward, that what they did to me, they created so much scar tissue and messed with my DNA so much, I’d never be able to carry a baby to term.”

I put my food aside and moved to her, wrapping her in my arms.  “I’m so sorry, Nat.”

She nuzzled into me and clung to me.  It was all I could do to not break down into tears.  All these years I had known her and I’d never seen her let herself be so fragile.

“I thought - I’d given up on the idea I’d ever get that.”  She murmured against my skin.

I ran my hands through her hair and down her back.  “And now you get to be a mom.”

“Yeah.  Now I get to be a mom.”  She agreed, and I felt her relax.  I’d just confirmed I’d keep it and we were going to do this and her body softened against me in relief.

“Will you come to the doctor with me?”  I asked.

“Of course I will,”  Nat said pulling back.  “Someone needs to take care of you.”

“Me too?”  Wanda asked.

“Yeah, you too.”  I agreed.

Wanda’s face lit up and she clapped her hands.  “Okay.  Yes.  Yay.”

“Hulk want to come too.  Hulk dad.”  Hulk said thumping himself on the chest.

I chuckled.  “We might have to wait and see if there is room for you in the room.”

Hulk nodded and let out a huff of breath.  “Hulk want to see baby.”

“I know.  If you can’t I’ll bring you a picture.”  I agreed.  Hulk nodded again and settled back into a sitting position.  “Now if only the others could get on board too.”

“Don’t worry.  They will.  There’s a lot of panic, but they just need to process.”  Wanda explained.

I nodded and let out a breath.  I hoped she was right.  I was going to do this for Natasha.  I wanted her to have this.  To get to shake off the last hold the Red Room had of her.  I wanted to see her being the protective helicopter mother I saw in her.  I wanted to be a mother with her.  I was scared.  I didn’t exactly have the best role models for parenting.  I knew I could do it with her and Wanda.  And the Hulk too, I suppose.  I just didn’t want to lose anyone because of a stupid accident.

// NEXT

[sheewolf85]

A New Kind of Love

Summary: Sequel/Prequel to "The Best Daddy", set during the pregnancy. Based on a Discord conversation between myself and Keelywolfe. Stretch notices Edge is displaying some signs of possibly changing his mind about having this baby.

Notes: In my first oneshot with Cyperus, I left it up to the audience to decide how the little babybones came into the world. I've changed things up a bit for this one because I wanted to go a bit deeper.

Also, this isn't supposed to be set in the BAON universe. Maybe a BAON AU or something if Keely's okay with that, but I certainly don't want anyone thinking that I'm stealing Keelywolfe's universe. Nope.

Read it on AO3 here.

Or keep reading under the cut:

When the topic of children first came up, Stretch was hesitant to say he’d ever want to be a parent. Scratch that, he was downright positive that he never wanted kids.

Edge hadn’t questioned him for a reason, hadn’t seemed upset or disappointed in the least; he’d only accepted that Stretch that didn’t want that.

The truth was that he was certain he’d mess a kid up. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and all the other -ally’s. He was sick so often that he’d just make the kid worry about him, and it was bad enough that Edge had to worry about him all the damn time. He had trouble with commitment, and yeah he planned on committing to Edge for a while but that was different. Edge didn’t depend on him the way a kid would.

Their relationship hadn’t been new at the time, but they both still bore the title of boyfriend.

A few years later, after they’d been through so much together, gotten engaged and then married, after loving and laughing and arguing and getting back together, Stretch realized his opinion on children had changed.

Edge had brought it up a few times, never to harass or to beg, only to check in. He still never pushed or questioned, only accepted whatever answer Stretch felt he could give at the time.

The day came when Stretch could honestly say he’d been thinking about it, and the look of pure joy on Edge’s face had pushed him from merely thinking about it to actively trying to get himself ready to be a parent.

Once the decision to bring a child into the world had been made, they had to figure out how they were going to do it. Stretch’s first thought was that he would be the one to carry the child since Edge worked full time and was the main breadwinner of the household. Sure Stretch had his own contributions, some of them pretty important in a long-term sense, but literally nobody outside of a few select skeletons and the king knew about those.

Edge brought logic to the table, gently reminding Stretch with sorrow in his sockets that his health may not support the full-term growth of a child. That started visits to doctors to learn as much as they could about skeleton reproduction.

In the end, it was Edge who would carry their child. Stretch couldn’t say that he wasn’t relieved, but there was also a part of him that was a little jealous. It didn’t help that he had to explain to what felt like a million different people that Edge wasn’t carrying because Stretch didn’t want to or was too lazy or selfish to do it himself, but rather because Edge’s magic was stable and his health impeccable, essentially the exact opposite of Stretch.

Jealousy faded, however, and by the fourth month when Edge started showing and had to get his suits tailored to accommodate a baby belly, Stretch was filled with nothing but awe and adoration for his husband.

One morning, just after the six month mark, Stretch woke up to Edge grumbling about his routine being ripped out from under him.

Stretch opened his sockets to see Edge standing in an adjusted running outfit in front of the closet, pointing at his belly as he mumbled some stern admonishment or another.

“you okay, babe?” Stretch asked, his voice thick with sleep.

Edge turned around and smiled, his outward level of irritation dropping from a grumble to a tight smile. “Yes, love. I’ve just discovered this morning that running is a bit more difficult than it used to be.”  He huffed and walked over to the bed to sit on the side of it. “And by that I mean I ended up gagging by the side of the road halfway through my route. This child is likely to take after you; running makes them nauseous.”

Stretch grinned up at his handsome hubby, reaching to take his hand. “i’m sorry they’re not cooperating with your routine, babe.”

Edge nodded, then lifted their clasped hands to kiss Stretch’s knuckles. “First my coffee, and now this. The things I do for my family.”

Family.

Such a simple word to some, but it meant more to Stretch now than he could have ever dreamed.

“maybe you just need to slow down or not run so many miles? or maybe we should go talk to alphys if you think--”

“It was just a little nausea, love; everything is fine. I’ll give it a few days and try again, but I’ll go slower like you suggested.” He leaned down that time, catching Stretch’s mouth in a lovely kiss. “Do you want to go back to sleep, or do you want to get up and have some breakfast with me?”

The temptation to go back to sleep was there, but he passed it over for the opportunity to spend a little extra time with his baby. Well...his husband and his baby. Yeah, that wasn’t going to get confusing or anything. They were both his babies, just different kinds. A baby within a baby.

He kept his snicker to himself as he got up and followed Edge to the shower.

-------------------------------

As the next two months passed, Stretch began to notice things.

At first, he was pretty sure he was imagining it all. He was projecting his own previous fears of being a parent onto Edge. That was all.

Surely Edge was just tired when Alphys showed them the screen with the image of their child’s growing frame and their little pulsing soul. He wasn’t bored, and he wasn’t disinterested. He was tired. Alphys had even scolded him a little, saying he needed to get some more rest; their baby was half Stretch, after all.

During the first few months of the pregnancy, Edge was definitely the more excited of the two of them. Not that Stretch wasn’t, it was just that Edge had wanted this for so long and now that it was here, he was celebrating with all the cheer he knew how to show.

But now, Stretch was seeing something else in Edge’s demeanor when he talked to people about their baby. He really wanted to believe it was a combination of many things, not the least of which being that Edge had grown accustomed to being pregnant and no longer felt the need to show off his excitement. People knew he was happy to soon be a father. He didn’t need to show it all the time.

Something else started to eat at Stretch, however, as he watched Edge talking to someone he worked with at the embassy. They were at the market, and Stretch had wandered off as he usually did. Making his way back, he stopped to watch. He couldn’t say why. Maybe it was because he suddenly realized just how exhausted Edge looked. Or maybe it was because of the way he gestured toward his belly, as if he resented the thing. Then again, it could have been the expression of discontent on his face; he honestly looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

“Is everything okay?” a voice asked beside him.

Stretch looked over to see Jennie, a young Bun monster with a newborn of her own cradled in her arms, standing beside him.

“uh, yeah, i think so. why?” He looked back at Edge. Damn, he had never seen Edge so done with everything.

Jennie smiled tightly, like she knew something but didn’t want to say it. “Just...he doesn’t look very happy, does he?” She sighed and looked down at her little one. “Having a baby changes you, y’know? You have to make so many sacrifices. I know I shouldn’t say this, but if I could go back I would have waited. Or maybe I’d never have kids at all.”

For one delirious moment, Stretch didn’t understand. And then it hit him.

Regret.

He looked at Edge again, and so many little expressions and actions all fell into place.

Was Edge having second thoughts? Had he changed his mind about being a dad? Or maybe about having kids with Stretch?

They had both done everything they could to make sure that Stretch’s shitty health couldn’t hurt their baby, but there had already been so many things that Edge had to change because the baby was half Stretch. He’d had to give up so much more than he’d anticipated, and certainly if he’d had another partner he could have let them carry the child instead.

He said goodbye to Jennie and went up to Edge. He didn’t know what he was going to say or how he was going to bring any of this up, but he knew he’d have to.

And yet, the moment Edge saw him, his entire demeanor changed. His posture straightened, his mouth turned up in the secret smile that Stretch loved so much, and even his eye lights brightened a bit. He still looked tired, but everything else melted away.

No, that was wrong. It wasn’t gone, it was hidden. Edge was hiding it from him.

Edge didn’t hide things. Not from Stretch. Not from anyone, really, especially not his annoyance. His pleasure and his happiness were reserved for those closest to him, but he wore his irritation like a badge of honor.

To see him hiding now was just another kick in the chest. Edge didn’t want to hurt him, and so was pretending that everything was fine while inside he was probably searching frantically for a way out of this.

By the time they made it home that evening, Stretch had convinced himself that Edge regretted every part of their relationship. If he’d only chosen another partner, he could be happy. If he hadn’t talked Stretch into having a child, maybe they’d still be okay.

In Stretch’s mind, there were only two possible outcomes to this scenario:

The first, Edge lived the rest of his life resenting both Stretch and their child for everything he had to give up. He would choose to stay, because he wouldn’t break a promise he’d made to Stretch, but every day would be miserable for him. In turn, both Stretch and their child would be miserable as well. Stretch would end up fulfilling the prophecy he’d made ages ago when he said he’d screw a kid up, because no kid could be happy in a home where one of their parents regretted their existence.

The second possible outcome, Edge would pack up and leave after the baby was born. He might take the kid with him or he might leave Stretch to raise them on his own. That part wasn’t clear, but either way, Stretch couldn’t bear the thought of losing his husband.

He scoffed to himself. Either way, really, he’d end up losing Edge.

“Love?”

Edge’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, and Stretch looked over to see him standing next to the couch. Stretch was sitting there, had been staring numbly at the coffee table.

“hey babe,” he managed. His voice was tight. Had he been crying?

Edge sat next to him and draped a blanket over his shoulders. “Can I do anything?” he asked, gingerly rubbing Stretch’s back as he did. “Do you need anything?”

I need you, he thought.

He didn’t bother hiding it. “i need you,” he said out loud, his voice catching.

Nodding, Edge pulled Stretch a bit closer. Gone were the days of sitting on his husband’s lap; his baby belly was too large and they didn’t want to risk hurting the kid. His arms wrapped around Stretch nonetheless and pulled him back to lay against his shoulder.

“I’m here,” he said softly.

Stretch turned as best he could, curled his legs up to sling them over Edge’s lap, and nuzzled his face into Edge’s neck. He knew he needed to ask Edge what was wrong. He needed to stop pretending that he knew what was going on in anyone else’s mind but his own, but all the clues were right there and he was so terrified to hear Edge confirm them.

“I love you,” Edge said quietly, his hands still massaging gently. “So much.”

He could almost hear the ‘but’ coming, and for a moment he was worried he might throw up. He wasn’t ready for this. Not yet. He wanted a little more time to pretend they could have the perfect future before it all fell apart.

He turned into Edge’s shoulder and pressed his face into the soft shirt there, forcing himself to breathe in and out slowly so he didn’t start hyperventilating. He clung to his husband in a desperate attempt to make everything okay. Wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of power of love bullshit to fix everything?

“i love you, too.” His voice was strangled, barely a breath, and it unleashed a new torrent of tears to his sockets. His soul was breaking, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. “i love you so much, edge, please...please don’t leave me.”

Edge’s arms constricted, holding him too tightly. “Of course not; I could never leave you.” He pressed a kiss to Stretch’s skull. “Never.”

Stretch held onto that, nodding into Edge’s shoulder and let himself be comforted by the one who probably needed the comfort instead.

Could he be more selfish?

He couldn’t say how much time had passed. Minutes, hours, it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t long enough to feel like he was going to be okay when Edge pulled back, his arms loosening.

“Are you hungry at all?” he asked.

Stretch shook his head. He felt like he might vomit if he tried to eat anything.

“you probably are, though, huh?” he asked, forcing himself to lean back and look at Edge.

He didn’t try to hide it. Nodding, he said, “Being pregnant has certainly affected my appetite. I can’t skip meals anymore.”

Skipping meals in the first place wasn’t the best thing they could do, but they were both guilty of it. Edge was probably better at eating when he should than Stretch simply because of his upbringing, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about the change.

He sucked in a breath and let Edge slip away from him, tucked his legs up under himself and wrapped the blanket more securely around his shoulders as he listened to Edge moving around in the kitchen.

When Edge came back, he had a plate with two sandwiches cut into squares and what would probably qualify as a fruit salad piled beside them.

“i’m sorry,” Stretch said mournfully.

“For what?” Edge asked, his tone betraying his honest surprise at the apology. “It’s hardly your fault that I’m hungry.”

Oh, but it was. Well, it was at least half his fault. Probably.

He couldn’t say that. Edge would abandon his food to comfort him again, and Stretch couldn’t bear that guilt. Instead, he kept himself quiet as he watched Edge eat.

Edge didn’t turn on the TV. Instead, he sat beside Stretch in silence and occasionally reached out stroke a gloved hand gently along his blanket-covered arms or to pat lovingly at his knees. He made a point to offer a bite of something every so often, a strawberry or a piece of sandwich, even a juicy chunk of fresh plum. Stretch declined every time.

Once he was finished eating, Edge went back to the kitchen to wash up. It wasn’t long before he appeared back at the side of the couch.

“Are you tired, love?” he asked, stroking his fingers gently over Stretch’s skull.

He was, he realized. He was extremely tired from everything, and all he wanted to do was go to sleep so he could wake up to a second chance and do it right that time. He wanted to ensure Edge’s happiness.

Instead of saying any of that, he just nodded and stood up. Edge took the blanket and folded it in half before draping it across the back of the couch. He then took Stretch’s hand and led the way up the stairs to their bedroom.

In the first few weeks after Edge started to show, they’d started a tradition of spending a few moments each night talking to their baby. They’d lay down together, often after making love, and Stretch would watch with growing fascination as Edge’s fingers grazed over his bright crimson magic. He would reach out and touch, sometimes twining their fingers together as they talked about possibilities and made plans.

Stretch felt so dumb tonight as he slipped into bed and realized they hadn’t done that in almost two weeks. The last few times that they had done it, Edge had seemed too tired to say or do much, but Stretch had chalked it up to Edge actually being tired.

He watched as Edge changed into his pajamas, then walked over and slid into bed beside him. He half expected his husband to roll over and go to sleep without so much as a goodnight kiss, but Edge surprised him by wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close.

“Stretch...You know you can talk to me, don’t you? About anything, any time?” Edge pressed a kiss to his forehead. “That hasn’t changed. That will never change.”

It was his not-so-subtle way of asking what was wrong. Stretch didn’t know what to say. Whatever reasons Edge had for hiding his feelings would disappear the moment Stretch brought it up, and they’d both be forced to face choices they probably weren’t ready to make yet. At least, Stretch wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to think about how much Edge secretly wanted to leave.

“Love?”

As Edge’s arms tightened around him, he realized he was shaking again.

“You know I won’t force you to talk to me. You know that normally I would wait until you’re ready to speak, if you choose to speak at all.” He was silent for a moment, and Stretch could tell he was only choosing his next words carefully.

“But something is telling me that this isn’t your typical episode. I can’t explain it, love, but...please tell me what I can do to help you.”

“i don’t know,” Stretch finally confessed. “i love you so much, edge. you know that, right?”

Edge’s hands began gently stroking him, petting and massaging at his spine and shoulders. “Of course I know that, Stretch,” he said gently. “And I love you, too. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Stretch sucked in a deep breath. He truly wasn’t ready for this, but he supposed his time was up. Instead of pulling away, however, he cuddled as close as he could and made sure to press a loving kiss to his husband’s mouth before he said anything. Edge returned the kiss, deepening it briefly.

“i saw you today. the you that you’re hiding from me.”

Edge’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Feeling like he was going to lose his tender grip on stability, Stretch once again pulled in a deep breath. “i mean i saw how you looked like you regret every life choice you’ve made since we decided to have a kid.”

He half expected Edge to deny it or to pretend he didn’t know what Stretch was talking about. Instead, he was silent, his eyelights downcast as if staring at Stretch’s chest.

“babe, i understand if--”

“No,” Edge interrupted. “You don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand, and I’ve been terrible at communicating with you.” He looked up then, and Stretch’s soul only felt worse at the look of fear in Edges’ eye lights.  

“please don’t leave me,” he begged. “whatever it is, we can work through it, right?”

He knew he was only delaying the inevitable, but he couldn’t help it. He loved Edge so, so much, and now he loved that baby, too, and he couldn’t give either one of them up.

Edge pulled him up close, his arms tightening almost painfully. “I’m not going to leave you,” he whispered against his skull. “I love you, Stretch, and I’m not going anywhere.”

For a long, silent moment, they just held each other in the darkness of their room. Edge pressed soft kisses to the side of Stretch’s skull, and in turn Stretch nuzzled his face against Edge’s shoulder.

“I’m...scared,” Edge finally confessed, his voice a whisper. “I’m scared of something I never once considered until it was too late.”

Stretch nodded and looked up enough to meet Edge’s eyes. “what are you scared of?”

Edge drew in a slow breath before speaking, his words hesitant. “I love you, you know that. I love you more than I ever dared dream possible.”

“yeah? that’s good, though, right?”

“Yes, that’s good. Growing up in Underfell...love like this didn’t exist there. Not between lovers, and I’ve seen parents sell their children to make ends meet. When you and I first got together, when I first realized that I loved you, I never dared hope that I could love you this deeply. But Stretch…”

He went silent again, his eyes closed tightly and his arms tightening once again.

“what is it, edge?” Stretch couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice if he tried.

“I’ve seen how parents love their children here, in this universe.” Edge voice was tight. Stretch knew that if he could, he’d be crying. “When I thought about having children, my thoughts were more on the things I could teach them, how I could help them to learn and grow into happy, healthy adults. I didn’t think about...Stretch, how am I going to love them? Children need more than guidance and steady care. I understand that now.”

For a moment, Stretch’s mind simply couldn’t wrap around this new information. Couldn’t adapt to this new perspective.

“They’re going to have love, I know that. You and Blue, probably even Sans and Papyrus. But what kind of life are they going to live when they realize that only one of their parents can genuinely love them?”

“edge…” Stretch wasn’t sure what to say for a minute. “baby, i…”

“I know,” Edge said lamely. “I know, and this is my fault. I’m so sorry, love.”

Stretch reached up to cup the side of his husband’s face, his thumb tracing carefully over his sharp teeth.

“baby, no. don’t be sorry; there’s nothing you need to apologize for. it’s gonna be okay.”

Edge blinked, his brow furrowing. “You’re not angry?”

“why would i be?”

“Because I talked you into having a child you didn’t even want only to tell you that I can’t love them.”

And right then, Stretch’s soul shattered. He understood so much more now, and the tears building in his sockets were as much for his husband as they were for himself.

“oh, edge, no…” He leaned in and kissed Edge, putting all of his love into it. Pulling back, he tried to smile. “it’s true that once upon a time i didn’t want kids. but i do now, and you didn’t talk me into wanting one either. being with you, loving you so much, changed my mind. i want this baby; i really do. but i want this baby with you. and...this is gonna take some time, i think, for you to see what i mean, but i think you’re wrong. i think you’re gonna be surprised by how much you love this kid.”

“But what if I can’t love them?”

Stretch’s smile became more genuine. “you can. even you have to admit that you’ll be able to love them a little bit.” He held up a hand, his thumb and forefinger held an inch apart. “and even if you do only love them a little bit, you also have to admit that you already care about them a lot. you’re right that kids need a bit more than just care and guidance, but let me tell you a thing about parents in this universe: they’re not perfect. no one is. but i have so much faith in you, edge. i know that you’re going to be a damn good parent.”

Edge nodded silently and hugged Stretch tightly again. Stretch wound his arms around Edge and held on, a little amazed at how the night had turned out so far.

“Thank you,” Edge whispered.

“always,” Stretch responded.

They snuggled closely for a while until Stretch’s sockets started drifting closed. He was out before Edge, falling asleep with the hope that Edge would feel better in the morning.

It appeared that Edge did feel better the next morning after their talk. After a few rounds of vigorous morning sex and a steamy shower, Edge was humming softly to himself as he made breakfast, lightly swinging his hips to whatever music was playing in his head.

Stretch had to admit he felt better, too. Both of their concerns had been unburied the night before, and Stretch knew all too well what it was like to live with a secret you felt like you couldn’t tell anyone. Even if Edge only ever told him about his concerns, at least he could vent them somehow.

-------------------------------

The last month of the pregnancy was spent preparing for the arrival of their baby.

They got the nursery all set up, Edge begrudgingly allowing both is brother and brother-in-law to pitch in when his stamina proved once again to be less than it used to be. Red mostly helped by misinterpreting the instructions of the furniture they were putting together while Blue did most of the actual work.

The closer the due date came, the more often Red would come by to check up. Stretch had to wonder what his thoughts were on loving his niece or nephew, but he never asked. It was honestly pretty evident in the way he insisted on triple checking that everything in the nursery was safe for a babybones. And then checking again for good measure.

Blue showed his love the way he usually did: by feeding Edge as often as he allowed it. Which, thanks to the baby taking up more and more of his energy, was turning out to be more often than Stretch would have guessed possible.

Sans and Papyrus also came by often to show their support and love for their family. Papyrus did a lot of the cleaning for Edge, a compromise he and Blue had come up with together, and Sans kept producing the most ridiculous baby outfits he could find.

Stretch was honestly pretty sure he was going to find the charred remnants of some of those outfits at the bottom of their fire pit in the backyard, but he figured Sans already knew that so he didn’t say anything.

When the day finally arrived, Stretch helped a hobbling Edge to the car and settled him in the backseat just as Red and Blue came out of a shortcut in the driveway. Blue shook his head to clear it, then walked up to Stretch and held out his hand. Stretch dropped the keys into his brother’s palm, then got into the car next to his husband.

Red and Blue had already been to war over who was going to drive Edge to the hospital. Stretch did feel bad that he couldn't do it, but Edge helped him get over it. Edge had also settled the driver debate, saying he’d much rather arrive safely and in one piece, therefore Blue was driving. Red had huffed and puffed, but ultimately agreed.

At the hospital, the process went quickly. Alphys was there to help out as well since skeleton pregnancies were not common and most doctors didn’t know what to expect with the actual birthing process.

Stretch held Edge’s hand, encouraged him and tried to help keep him calm with words of love and support.

And then his baby was there, all of his perfect little bones covered in Edge’s crimson magic. A quick scan of his soul showed a male predilection, so they wrapped him up in a little blue blanket before settling him in Edge’s arms.

“a baby boy,” Stretch cooed. They’d been waiting until he was born for the scan; they didn’t want to risk getting a mixed result through Edge’s magic. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Edge’s sweaty forehead. “you did so good, babe.” He reached out and gently touched his baby’s tiny little skull. “he’s so precious.”

Edge nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Have you picked out a name?” one of the nurses asked.

Stretch smiled at Edge, who nodded. “Yes, his name is Cyperus.”

The nurse cooed. “That’s precious. He’s so cute. Are you about ready to let him get cleaned up?”

Edge paused for a moment before he nodded and reluctantly handed the baby back.

The doctors took the baby to clean him up and move Edge to a different room. As they moved, he took a second to text his brother that the birth went well and they could come see Cyperus now.

Red and Blue had both been certain that they would be the first uncle to hold the baby, but neither wanted to concede that there could only be one. Stretch was only a little nervous as they came into the room, expecting more arguing over baby-holding rights.

Instead, it seemed that they had worked themselves out. They both strode right up to the bed, but there was no snarling or growling.

“how’s the little ankle-biter?” Red asked, leaning over Edge with his hands in his pockets to get a better look. “aw, ain’t he cute?”

Blue held out his hands. “We decided that I get to hold him first.”

Edge raised a brow. “Is that so?”

Red nodded, and whatever Edge saw on his brother’s face seemed to take away all concern. His expression softened, and he carefully handed the baby bundle to Blue.

Both Red and Blue gushed over the tiny babybones for a while, then Red took his turn. Red held him awkwardly, and Stretch was impressed with the way he took direction from Blue. Despite Red having been the only one between the two with any actual baby-raising experience, it seemed Blue was the more experienced in recent baby-holding.

Eventually, Stretch was able to claim his baby back from his brothers. He held Cyperus gently, gave him a soft kiss on his little forehead, and marveled once again at how adorably perfect he was.

-------------------------------

Later that evening, laying in bed at home with Cyperus sleeping quietly between them, Edge let out a large sigh.

Stretch looked at him with a smile. “what is it?” he asked.

Edge smiled, so beautiful and content. “You were right.”

“about what?”

His mouth opened, but no answer came out. Instead, Edge clicked his mouth shut and sniffled. Despite that gorgeous smile, Stretch was worried.

“edge?”

“I didn’t think it was going to be possible, Stretch. I really didn’t. But I love him. I love him so much more than I can even say.”

Stretch immediately relaxed, his soul filling with gentle peace and overwhelming love at the same time. “i know what you mean. i loved him before he was born, but now? damn.”

Edge nodded. Neither of them said anything else. Instead, they laid together watching their baby sleep, hands clasped together.

In a while, they’d move Cyperus to his nursery and go to bed themselves, but for now, neither Daddy nor Papa could take their eyes off of their little miracle.

[anchored-in-high-tide]

MILK

Fandom/Pairing: Sherlock/Johnlock Rating: GA Words: 2k Tags: Post Mary’s Death, Pining Idiots, First Kiss, Parentlock, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grocery Shopping

Summary: It's been two months since Mary's death but John doesn't blame Sherlock. They live together again but still struggle with their past, caring for baby Rosie, and their feelings for each other. A trip to the supermarket might change everything.

John sighed. “Damn, I forgot the milk.” His shoulders slumped in defeat as he spoke. He loaded the bananas on the belt a little more forcefully than necessary and pinched the bridge of his nose, pressing his eyes shut against the cold neon light. It was already dark out. They should be home by now, lounging in their chairs or on the sofa, watching something trivial on the telly. But between a particularly gruesome triple murder and flu season at the clinic, neither of them had had time to go out for groceries. With Mrs. Hudson gone to her sister’s, their emergency food supplier had forsaken them as well, leaving their fridge and pantries shamefully empty. They had had no choice. In her baby carrier, Rosie gave another sharp wailing sound that drowned out the soft 80s music droning from the speakers. The little girl had begun to fuss and cry as soon as they had entered the supermarket, raising either annoyed or pitying looks from other customers. John had hardily ignored them while he put toast, produce, and diapers into their cart and bounced his agitated daughter. Sherlock shot John a quick glance, eyes taking in the deep bags under John’s and the way his skin seemed to gradually lose its usual golden colour. He could all but taste the exhaustion oozing out of every pore, seeping through John’s shirt and coat, tainting the air with sleep-deprived resignation, so tangible it might actually be contagious. “I’ll go get it,” Sherlock said before John could ask. He weaved past the other people in the queue behind them. “I’ll be fast.” “Thank you,” John called after him as Sherlock disappeared into the next aisle, his long legs bridging the distance to the dairy section much quicker than John could’ve managed with Rosie strapped to his chest.

As he reached down and grabbed one of the cartons, a sad smile fought its way up to his lips. Buying milk. This used to be such an innocent annoyance when they had first moved in together, a cause for infinite bickering and countless jokes. But that was before everything had changed. Before Sherlock had gone and come back. Before John had gotten married and Sherlock had been shot. Before Mary had jumped in front of him, had spared Sherlock a second bullet and given her life in return. Before her loss had rippled through the already stained fabric of John’s existence and torn it to shreds. And yet, hanging on barely more than threads, John carried on, ever the brave soldier. Every day, every night, he marched onward with bleeding feet and steely stubbornness, Sherlock always by his side to catch him as soon as his legs would ultimately give in. It had been two months and not a single accusation had left John’s lips. In fact, he had barely spoken at all. Uttering not one word too much, he had organized the funeral, taken time off at the clinic to arrange everything for Rosie, packed up all their belongings and moved back to Baker Street. Somehow, he had brought this impenetrable silence with him. Maybe it was the boxes containing what was left of Mary. They still stood in John’s old bedroom, a brooding monument of their marriage, filling 221B with her presence. Sherlock knew—or at least strongly suspected—how unhappy John had been in the few months he had been married, not only because his wife had turned out to be an ex-assassin and shot his best friend. In John’s eyes, carefully covered with layers upon layers of self-preservation, swam something else, something like regret and longing and shame. Sherlock could catch a glimpse of it some nights, when John had numbed his sorrows with one too many glasses of whiskey. This look, this strange look he gave him, had grown so familiar over the years, its intensity waxing and waning. Lately, it had become so powerful that Sherlock was sure it would break through the surface at any moment. Or maybe he was just wishing for it, actively looking for the mirrored image of his own distraught face in those dark-blue eyes. They hadn’t talked about it, of course. And now that Mary was dead the conversation seemed, paradoxically, even more out of the question. Her death had sealed their fate and their lips alike, presumably forever. Some things simply had to stay unspoken, unseen, unfulfilled. Sherlock didn’t care though. John was back at his side again—a worn-out, almost pellucid version of him, but John nonetheless. This time, Sherlock decided, he would do everything right. He would be as supportive and kind and accommodating as he could muster, for John, and for his goddaughter. If this resemblance of togetherness was all that could ever be between them, he would take it. Even if it meant accompanying John on such tedious tasks as grocery shopping. The milk slowly bedewing with little drops of perspiration, Sherlock hurried back to the check-out, finding that the cashier had already begun to scan their items. He shimmied past the other waiting customers and slammed down the milk just as the clerk picked up the last item, the box of formula for Rosie. Her eyes coolly eyed the packaging before wandering over to John who still tried to calm down the baby while packing up the groceries. She pursed her lips into a tight smile. Her voice thinly masking her condescension, she said: “Someone’s a little fussy, I see, being out this late. You know that breastfeeding is actually much better for your child, don’t you? For their immune system and—” “What did you just say?” Sherlock interrupted her, stepping closer and fixating her with an adamantine stare. John startled and halted in his movements, only his eyes flicking back and forth between Sherlock and the victim of his anger. “Excuse me?” the cashier asked, her disapproval still written all over her face. Sherlock examined her closely; the way her cheaply coloured hair framed her turgid, starkly rouged cheeks; the company-issued t-shirt that clung to her sinewy body; the nicotine-stained fingernails. His voice dropped to menacing depths as he cocked his head and said: „Did you seriously just try to shame him for buying formula for his child?” The woman didn’t avert her gaze but swallowed heavily. “I just—” “Do you have any idea what this man has been through? His wife died only weeks after giving birth to their daughter and here you are, you sorry excuse for a human, and try to lighten the weight of your own meaningless existence by belittling a grieving father!?” His voice was barely more than a deadly whisper but the cashier stared at him as if he had shouted. The look on her face—shock, confusion, defiance—made Sherlock’s synapses sizzle like high-voltage lines, sending white-hot sparks to his eyes and overriding his self-control mechanisms. How did this horrible woman dare to even look at his John with anything other than utter admiration? The anger that bubbled up in him like boiling sulphur kept spilling out. “Oh, it’s so much easier, sitting in your chair and judging other people, without having to give their problems a second thought, you insensible woman. Just so you know: This man is a war hero, a doctor, and now a widower and single father. He’s the most hard-working, loyal, and intelligent man you’ll ever meet, but you wouldn’t recognize intelligence when it hit you in the face, now, would you? What have you ever accomplished in your life, apart from becoming a bitter, arrogant underachiever who can’t even work her way up the ranks by shagging the manager? What on earth gives you the right to spill your unqualified, self-absorbed opinions on decent men like him? You’re not even worth the dirt under his shoes so, for fuck’s sake, just shut up.” The woman’s mouth stood agape, giving her the look of a carp in an existential crisis. Sherlock felt a grim sense of satisfaction rush through him and took a deep breath, readying himself to fire another round of words sharp enough to sever limbs. A warm hand on his forearm stopped him. “That’s enough, Sherlock,” John said, his voice calm but stale. He lifted their shopping bags off the counter and made for the door without so much as looking at the cashier or any of the other customers. For a second, Sherlock stood there completely motionless, his eyes following John out of the store. The sight of his back, upright and sturdy as always, extinguished Sherlock’s anger as if John had emptied a bucket of ice water over his head, leaving nothing but wet, charred doubt. Hastily, Sherlock grabbed the milk, threw a few pound notes on the counter, and hurried after John without waiting for his change. Outside, the chilly wind blew away the last wads of smoke still erupting from his curls. It already smelled of spring. John was waiting for him, only a few steps away. The store’s harsh lighting illuminated his figure but his face remained hidden in the shadows as he bowed his head down to Rosie’s and cooed sweet words that finally seemed to calm her down. Cautiously, Sherlock stepped closer. The milk carton in his hand weighed five stone at least. “Why did you say that?” John asked in a tone Sherlock couldn’t quite place—confused but soft and… hopeful. Taken by surprise, Sherlock took a moment to answer. “It just… made me so angry that she assumed you weren’t doing what’s best for Rosie. She shouldn’t—no one should be allowed to talk to you like this. Not on my watch.” Maybe it was just the neon light playing tricks on his eyesight, but Sherlock was certain that John had smiled for just a second, even though his expression was more serious than he had ever seen when he finally looked up. “No, I mean, the things about me.” “About you?” Sherlock knitted his brows. How he hated stating the obvious. “Because it’s true. You are the best person I know, by far.” John moved closer, this unidentifiable thing floating in his eyes again, right beneath the surface. “So, you meant it?” “Of course, I meant it. Every word,” Sherlock rasped out. Why was his heart pounding so fast? When John gave him a doubtful smile, he added: “John, you are amazing, how do you not know that? You’re an amazing doctor and a great father. You’re irreplaceable as an assistant and a friend. You’re talented and smart and funny and understanding and basically every good thing I could never manage to be. I never dreamed that someone like you would even consider putting up with someone like me. And yet, after all we’ve been through, you are still here and you are still as amazing as ever.” With these words, Sherlock saw it finally break free, rupturing the invisible barriers between them and pouring from John’s eyes, iridescent and beautiful. Before he could as much as take a breath, John had let go of the bags, grabbed Sherlock’s face instead and pressed his lips to his in a desperate kiss. The world cracked at its hinges, tumbled over and spun around with twice its usual pace. Dizzying bliss flooded Sherlock’s system at this touch he had least expected and most longed for. His mind shut off, saturated by unadulterated happiness. He barely gained enough consciousness back to reciprocate the movement of John’s warm mouth against his and fling his arms around the man he had loved for longer than he dared to admit. When they finally broke the kiss, both gasping for air, Sherlock felt something wet creeping through his shoes and into his socks. He looked down to find a white puddle slowly spreading on the pavement. “I—I dropped the milk.” John gave him a smile so bright that it seemed to wash off all the hardship of the past months. “Forget about the milk.”

@itsalwaysyou-jw @benzedrine-calmstheitch @sarahthecoat @micahmatters @lsop712 @drunk-rambles @barbsiebabe @alexangelscuddles

[nothingeverlost]

Fic: Things Half in Shadows (14/14)

Fandom: Once Upon a Time

Pairings: Gold/Belle (eventually) with side pairings that probably include Graham/Bay, Archie/Emma and others.

Summary: The first thing you learn, back in Psych 101, is that you never get emotionally involved with a patient.  For 25 years Dr. Gold hasn’t had a problem walking that fine line.  Something changes, though, when he meets Belle French. AU

Author’s Note: I can’t begin to express what this fic and the people who read it have meant to me.  Thank you all.  This is the last chapter.  I chose to leave it here and pick it up again in a sequel.  The second half is relationship-centric and will begin with Belle leaving Storybrooke.

TRIGGER WARNING: Indirect mentions of abuse and sexual assault

<Prologue><Chapter 1><Chapter 2> <Chapter 3> <Chapter 4> <Chapter 5> <Chapter 6> <Chapter 7> <Chapter 8> <Chapter 9> <Chapter 10> <Chapter 11> <Chalpter 12> <Chapter 13>

Chapter 14 - Small Steps

II

There was a book on the table next to her customary cup of tea.  The cover was free of words, only a pattern of roses that looked like an old bit of wallpaper.

“A journal?” she guessed.  She’d never kept a diary before and felt a flutter in her stomach when she remembered the last time her doctor had asked her to write anything.  Eight words and everything had changed.  For the better, maybe, someday, but nothing had ever hurt so much.  She hadn’t had the numbness to shield her.  She would try, though, if he asked.

“While that’s never a bad idea that’s not my intent today.  It is for writing but I don’t want you to write about yourself.”  

“Who should I be writing about?”  She knew he wouldn’t ask her to write about her father.

“You read a lot of stories, Belle.  It’s a comfort to step into the world someone else created, to attend a ball with Elizabeth Darcy or to push the Dread Pirate Roberts down a hill.  I want to see you try writing a story with your own words.  It can be as simple or as complex as you like.”  From his pocket he took a pen, resting it on top of the book.

“That’s it?  Just write something?”  She hadn’t written anything since a creative writing class she took her first semester in college.  She couldn’t remember if she’d liked it or not.

“Anything you want.  When you’re done you can show it to anyone you want or you can keep it to yourself.  You can show it to me, but only if that’s what you want.”  He took a sip of his tea.  Belle remembered her own cup and took a sip, and a bite of the coffee cake he’d brought in that morning.  She liked the blueberries.  “What’s the first story you remember as a child?”

“Cinderella.”  She was distracted by the book, picking it up and running her fingers over the lightly textured cover before opening it up.  The pages were blank.  So much empty space; it seemed lonely without words.  “Not the Disney one; it was a pop-up book.  There was this page with all the stairs and in the middle the glass slipper.  I remember running my fingers up and down the stairs, pretending I’d lost my shoe.  One page had the carriage and you could open the door and look inside.  I wanted to shrink so I could fit inside, just for a little while.  It was such a pretty little carriage.”

“Perhaps you can tell the story of a little girl who did manage to shrink,” he suggested.  “When my son was wee there was a story he loved about a family that lived in the walls of a house.”

“I loved Thumbelina.  My mama would watch the movie with me; it was the first VHS I remember owning.  We liked to sing the songs together.”  They would cuddle under a blanket and share a bowl of popcorn that they’d made together on the stove.  Her mama loved to sing.  She’d almost forgotten how she’d sung when she was washing the dishes, or combing her hair, and always at bedtime.  “I don’t remember anything about the movie except that she was little and there was singing.”

“I’m sure we could find a copy, sometime.”  He scribbled a note on a piece of paper.  It was strange, most psychiatrists she had seen wrote a lot.  Some seemed to barely look at her, they were so busy writing about what she said.  Her doctor rarely wrote more than a few sentences and she always got the feeling that it was making sure he remembered things rather than analyzing her.   “It sounds like a memory worth holding onto.”

“I think it is.”  It hurt to think about her mama; maybe it always would.  But it made her feel warm, too, to remember the way they had sung together.  Maybe getting better meant that the warm was just as strong as the hurt.  She took another bite of her coffee cake and waited for questions about her mama that didn’t come.  Her doctor turned back to the subject of stories for the rest of her session.

II

Belle’s entrance to the art room was blocked by the sprawled form of Jefferson on the floor, arms and legs both spread eagle.  She held her new book to her chest and looked down at him, wondering if she needed to go back and get help.  His eyes were open, though, and she couldn’t see anything that looked like danger.

“Don’t mind him, he’s just being a drama queen.”  August leaned against the back of a chair nearby.  “Even more so than usual.”

“I’m bor-ed.  Bored.  B-b-b-bored.”

“I’m starting to get the idea that Jefferson’s bored.  Anyone else getting that feeling?”  Ruby was using the art scissors to trim bits of her hair.

“Does this place have a yelp?  I’m giving them one star.  Can I do no stars?  I’m going to do that.  The food is pedestrian, the entertainment is abysmal, and I’m sure there’s beds of nails that are more comfortable than what passes for accommodation here.”

“Fortunately there’s always the chance that a patient will provide entertainment,” Ruby said pointedly.

“You call this entertaining?”  August rolled his eyes.

“Do you think they might let us have a picnic?”  Belle offered tentatively.  They’d had sunny afternoons the last couple of days.

“A party.”  Jefferson sat up.  “Rabbit, you’re brilliant.”

“Christmas is over.”  From the corner of the room a small sad voice piped up.  Astrid was working on something involving glue and a lot of glitter.  

“Anyone have a birthday coming up?”  Jefferson asked hopefully.

“Mine was last month.”  Mary Margaret was the first to pop Jefferson’s bubble.  Belle just shook her head. No one had mentioned holidays or birthdays since she’d arrived, almost as if time was standing still.  Maybe that’s what they all hoped, that time was still and they would be able to just slip into their lives when they returned home.  If they returned.

“This is perfect.  Bake the cake and hire the clowns, we’re having a birthday party.”  Jefferson shot up so fast it was hard to tell how he’d gotten to his feet.  

“No on has a birthday until June, sweetie,” Ruby reminded him.

“Please tell me you’re not serious about clowns.”  August crossed his arms.  “That’s not funny.”

“If it’s no one’s birthday then it’s everyone’s unbirthday.  What’s better than an unbirthday party?”  He raced around the room, pulling fake flowers and ribbons from bins, stopping behind Astrid’s chair to lean down low.  “More glitter, little mouse.  We need more sparkle.”

“This is going to be interesting.”  Ella picked up the flower that had landed in her lap.

“That’s one word for it,” August commented, pointedly ignoring the ribbons that had landed on his shoulder.  “Not the word I’d pick, though.”

II

“Have you ever read any fairy tales?”  Belle threw a pea into the lake, a little farther from the shore this time.  The ducklings were getting bigger now, and Graham said that they needed to work a little for their food.

“Maybe when I was a kid.  I don’t remember, really.”  They reached for a pea at the same time, their fingers touching.  Belle hardly thought about it, or the fact that only a few weeks ago it would have startled her.

“I was rereading some yesterday.”  She had hoped they would inspire her own idea for a story.  “They’re very black and white.  Stepmothers are always evil.  The princess is always good and pure. Fairy godmothers will always help.  Wolves can’t be trusted.”

“A lot of people don’t understand about wolves.  They’re nobel.”  Graham tossed another pea into the water, a little farther from the ducks.  One of the ducklings dove to get it and came up, shaking out its feathers.  

“Maybe it’s easier to pretend that the scary things are so simple.  As easy to see as a wolf in pajamas.”  Fairytales never taught you to be scared of the people that said they loved you; at least none that she’d found.

“Wolf wouldn’t be happy wearing anyone’s pajamas, but he does like sleeping bags.  I had to buy one for him or I’d never get any sleep when we go out.  He gets in and curls up until all you can see is his nose.  He has to carry it, though, if he wants it.”  The last of the peas were gone.  Graham opened the other bag he’d brought and set out two white chocolate cranberry cookies.

“He carries his sleeping bag?”  Graham had mentioned camping, once.  Belle had never had a pet, but didn’t imagine that was something they usually did.  

“It clips onto his harness. He’s always excited when I put it on because he knows we’ll sleep outdoors.  Besides, I carry food for both of us, it’s only fair he carries his own bedding.”  Graham took a bite of one of the cookies and pushed the other one a little closer to her.  “Somehow I ended up with an extra if you want one.”

“Thank you.”  Nurse Whale had mentioned she was up seven pounds and had been pleased when he added the note to her file.  Someday maybe she could meet her doctor’s son and thank him for all the muffins and cookies.  “Does Wolf have to carry his own tent too?”

“We don’t use a tent.  Just a sleeping bag apiece and a campfire.  Can’t see the stars in a tent, and they tell a different story every night.”  it was midday but still Graham looked up at the sky as if he could see the stars.

“What happens if it rains?”  

“We get wet.”  Graham shrugged.  “If it’s a heavy storm we find a shelter.  But look at the ducklings, they love to get wet.  A lot of animals do.  There’s nothing harmful in a little rain, and afterwards everything smells new.’

“I’ve never been camping.”  She and her mama used to make tents out of sheets and imagine they were camping.  They made s’mores in the oven and ate them sitting around a flashlight.  She’d mentioned camping to her papa once and he’d taken her to a resort that summer in upstate New York.  They’d served a chocolate mousse topped with meringue and graham cracker and called it a s’more.  Her papa had called her princess and gifted her with her first bikini.  She’d ‘lost’ it after the second day, and was glad they never went back.  

“There’s berries and mushrooms growing on the other side of the lake, at the edge of the woods.  It’s not camping but we could go for a walk,” he suggested, finishing his cookie.

“Are you sure it’s alright?”  She’d never walked past the edge of the lake.

“As long as you stay with me.”

II

By the time they returned from their walk Belle had almost forgotten about fairytales.  Graham had shown her the signs of edible mushrooms, but cautioned her not to eat any without him there.  He’d pointed out a nest in a branch that still held eggs.  There was a bush full of berries that might make a good cookie.  Her questions had been tentative at first but he’d answered them all, speaking more than he usually did.  She was eager to learn more and he walked with her to the library to point out a few books they had about local flora and fauna.  Caught up in the books she almost didn’t notice someone joining them in the library.

“Belle.”  Gaston had his hands in his pockets, his height seeming so much taller than she remembered.  “Can we talk?”

“Visitor’s hours are Saturday.  This isn’t a good time.”  Graham took two steps to his right, coming between her and the doorway.

“You’re not Belle, so I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to my fiance.”  Gaston was less forceful than usual, but she knew that he wouldn’t leave.  

“It’s okay, Graham.”  She didn’t know what he wanted, but it was usually quicker to give it to him than argue.  Logic wasn’t Gaston’s strongest suit.  “He’s driven a long way to be here.  We can talk.”

“You heard her.  I’m sure there’s someone else in this place that needs your attention.”  Gaston sat on one of the sofas, his feet on the table.  Belle was reminded of his home office, though the Storybrooke library didn’t have any animal heads mounted on the walls.

“Right now my job is to be here.”  Graham crossed his arms.  Gaston’s cheek muscle twitched.

“Can we have a few minutes, Graham?  You could wait right outside the door.”  She could call for him if she needed him.  She wondered if she actually would.

“A few minutes and the door stays open,” Graham agreed reluctantly.  Once he was out of the room Belle dug her nails into the arm of the couch.  She tried to remember what it was like to sit at dinner with him and make small talk.  

“You look good, Gaston.”  He had a tan that she knew came from a tanning bed this time of year and a body sculpted with the help of a personal trainer named Lefou.

“You look… fine.”  His eyes swept over her, and she knew he was seeing the hair pulled back in a ponytail and the bulky sweater that was warm but unfashionable.  She hadn’t put on any makeup since she’d arrived, except the nail polish Ruby had used a few days ago to make her nails a pale pink.  “Are you… fine?”

“I’m learning a lot about myself.”  Fine was right up there with okay on the list of words she didn’t know how to define.  There were a lot of things people said to each other that didn’t mean anything, polite lies that meant not talking about anything real..

“Moe said you would be coming home soon.”  Belle flinched, but she was certain Gaston didn’t notice.  

“I’m not ready for that.”  Belle shook her head.  She wouldn’t ever return to the place that Gaston called home.  For weeks she had asked Doctor every day about the restraining order, needing the reminder that it was real.  She had spoken to the sheriff once, as well.  It had been almost a month now, and no lawyers had shown up.  No threats had been made.  She was beginning to believe she was safe for him, at least within the small world of Storybrooke.  What happened when she left she didn’t know; she didn’t have a home anymore.

“I don’t understand why you’re here.  You’re not like them.”  He gestured towards the doorway, where the sounds of art therapy could be heard.  “You’d do better being around your own people.”

“These are my people.”  They were all trying to heal from things.  She wondered if Gaston would even be able to understand what it was to need to heal.  He spoke of little other than hunting and business, boating and stocks.  If she was honest with herself there was very little she knew about the man she’d said yes to marrying.  He knew even less about her.

“Your people are at home; there’s a dinner at the club this weekend.  People keep asking me when you’re coming home, not that they know where you are.”  Too restless for the couch Gaston rose and started pacing.  “They ask me about the wedding.”

“I can’t marry you, Gaston.”  She said the words in a hurry, afraid she wouldn’t say them all if she didn’t say them all at once.

“You don’t mean that.  When you get home…”

“No.”  She shook her head.  When her father had brought Gaston home she had accepted it, as she did everything else.  She hadn’t gone away to college because he didn’t want it.  She hadn’t babysat as a teen.  Hadn’t gone to school dances.  She was always a dutiful daughter, even when it came to dating the man that was picked out for her.  And saying yes when expected, whether it was diner, sex or an engagement ring.  If she stayed with Gaston she was still her father’s prisoner.  It didn’t matter that Gaston was unaware of who Moe French really was or what he had done.  “I’m sorry Gaston.”

“I don’t understand, we had plans.  You said yes.”  Any plans they had, Belle knew, had been his own.  A wife to take care of his house and play hostess for his parties.  The right type of woman to show off at the club.  Children, probably, but she couldn’t even think about that.  For a moment she imagined a daughter, soft brown curls and her mother’s eyes.  She thought of her father, and wondered if she would have more power to protect a daughter than she’d had to save herself.

“Belle.” He said her name sharply, and probably not for the first time.  It was enough to bring Graham into the room.  She thought of the stories he’d told her about Wolf, and wondered if that was why she was reminded so strongly of a predator.  The narrow eyes and tense muscles might have scared her from another man, but she trusted him.  He was there to protect her.

“I’m alright now.”  She spoke to Gaston but looked over his shoulder to Graham.  She could make it through this conversation but she wasn’t going to ask him to leave again.

“This place is making you worse, not better,” Gaston groused.

“I’m not someone you would want to marry.”  There wasn’t any point explaining to him anymore than that.  “The ring is in my jewelry box at home.  You should have it back.”

“You shouldn’t make decisions in a place like this.  When you change your mind…”

“I wish you the best, Gaston, I really do.  I need you to go now.”  Graham took a step closer.  Perhaps Gaston felt it, or perhaps he decided his ego was smarting from the rejection.

“If I take back the ring that’s it.”  When she didn’t say anything he got up and strode from the library.  She hesitated for a moment before running after him.

“Gaston, wait.”  She could feel Graham standing behind her, not trying to touch her but his presence unmistakable.

“I knew it.”  His smile was the cocky one she was most familiar with.  Belle took a breath, closing her eyes.  She could be brave.  She could speak up.

“You move in the same circles as my father.  Parties, the club, charity events.  You should know…”  She felt her nails against the underside of her forearm and paused, pulling them away.  She would not hurt herself.  “He can’t be left alone with little girls.  They need to be protected.

“You can’t mean…”  She’d never before seen all the color drain from Gaston’s face.  The horrified look in his eyes was probably the most real emotion she’d ever seen from him.  She nodded and waited to see that he understood what she meant, then turned her back to him.  She couldn’t allow him to ask questions, couldn’t speak any clearer than she already had.  It had taken all of her bravery to say that much.

Doctor Gold was standing on the other side of the doorway.  “Graham thought you might like a cup of tea.  I thought we could take some out to the garden.”  

“I would like that.”  She was surprised to see that her hand wasn’t trembling.  The hot tea would be welcome. Before she followed him she looked over her shoulder on last time.  “Goodbye, Gaston.”

She stood completely still until she could feel him leaving.  Graham was gone too, and she knew without having to ask that he was following Gaston.  Making sure he didn’t linger, didn’t ask anything more of her.  After almost two years and an engagement it was strange to think that she’d most likely seen him for the last time.  It was probably stranger to think she had agreed to marry him but wouldn’t miss him.

“He’s gone, dearie.  Would you like to sit down?”

“In the garden.”  She looked down at her feet and willed them to move.  After a moment they did, and if she thought about nothing else but walking she could get herself to the bench outside before her knees let her down.  He handed her a mug of tea poured from his thermos as soon as she sat.  It seemed cooler outside than it had half an hour ago when she’d been walking with Graham.

“He shouldn’t have gotten as far as the library without anyone stopping him, Belle.  I’m sorry.”  He waited a moment to speak, or maybe it was five minutes.  She wasn’t sure how long she’d been staring at her tea before looking at him.

“He wasn’t a threat.  He never hurt me.”  She wasn’t sure she could say that Gaston was a good man.  He worked and he hunted and he went to the club.  He hated books and was sometimes frustrated when he saw her reading rather than socializing, but he was never cruel.  He didn’t go out of his way to help anyone but neither did he hurt anyone.  “I didn’t even know I didn’t want to be with him.  It was easier to just say yes.”

“It was what other people wanted from you,” he commented softly.

“I said no to him today.”  Had she ever said that before?  She couldn’t remember the last time she’d said no, not to something as simple as where they were going for dinner or as complicated as an engagement ring.  Not to trips with her papa or his college plans or anything.  “Even when it made him mad.”

“The only emotions you are responsible for are your own.”  His tea was on the bench, his hands both on the handle of his cane.  He moved it restlessly, the tip moving bits of gravel around the ground.  He always moved, even when he was sitting still.  “What you did today took a good deal of courage.

“I was scared.  Not of him.”  He made her feel small next to him, his confidence and control making her feel like everything centered around him, but she hadn’t feared him.  Or loved him.  She’d simply existed next to him.  “Everything’s changed now.”

“The unknown can be very hard to step into, even when the known is hurting us.  It’s normal to be scared.”  His voice was low and soothing.  Belle allowed herself to close her eyes and just listen to him.  His words settled into her bones with the same warmth as the tea.  

“So now I start over?”  With Gaston gone she had no connection to the people she’d called friends, who were really just social acquaintances.  With the restraining order against her father she was an orphan in all the ways that mattered.  

“As much as we might sometimes wish for a blank slate there is no such thing.  No tabula rasa.”  He quirked his lips into something that wasn’t quite a smile, or at least not a happy one.  “We continue on a step at a time because the only thing we can do is move forward or stand still.  What we do get to decide is what we carry with us and what we work on shedding.”

Belle looked down at her hands, seeing only the cooling mug of tea but knowing she held onto so much more.  “I left Gaston behind.”

“You did.  Are you feeling alright about that?”  He picked up his mug, but only played with the handle.

Belle nodded.  The conversation had been hard but knowing it was over was easy.  “It’s not so simple with papa.”

“No, it’s not.  But you’ve already taken the first steps.”  He paused, looking at her.  Belle took a shaky breath and nodded.  It helped that he didn’t lie to her.  Didn’t pretend that anything was going to be easy.  If she’d taken the first steps there were still dozens more to take.

“One step at a time.”  She rubbed her arm.  There was no pain, and she’d stopped herself from digging her nails into the skin when she’d spoken to Gaston.  That was a step too.

II

Belle deliberately chose the same sofa in the library she’d shared with Gaston the next day, an exorcism of sorts.  She curled up with her notebook and pen, took a deep breath, and started writing.  An hour later she had twelve pages of writing and a sore hand.  The wolf was about to rescue Little Red from her grandmother when Jefferson threw himself at the other side of the sofa, making the whole thing bounce.

“Put the books away, it’s time to play.”  He wore a top hat made from construction paper covered in glittering gears and offered her a pipe cleaner tiara with tissue paper roses.  “Your unbirthday awaits.”

“I thought it was everyone’s unbirthday.”  She slipped her book into the oversized pockets of her cardigan before accepting the tiara.

“You’re one of the everybody, aren’t you?”  He tipped his hat at her, stood, and offered her his hand.  She only hesitates a moment before letting him help her up.  

“I am.”  She followed Jefferson to the garden where her friends were waiting to celebrate.  It was one more small step.