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marshmurmurs · 4 years ago

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hey. hey psst. grian & purpled friends au is a banger. you um, you got any more? mayhaps?

Ok so you're gonna have to bear with me for aa few moments since this au is made by someone who hasn't watched Evo in a hot second and someone who I believe hasn't yet finished watching it, so we are mostly working off of fanon and my terrible memory for Watcher stuff

With that said, you've heard of Watcher!Grian, now get ready for Watcher!Purpled too :D

So you’re probably wondering how in the world we got here. It started with Peggy mentioning that Purpled got a clean view of both Tommy’s duel with Dream and Phil taking out Wil. That’s enough for me to start the Watcher propaganda babey!!!

“They watch but cannot be seen”

I'm pretty sure I yoinked this quote from a sign that showed up in some Watcher thing at some point. Purpled sure does watch. I also believe he has done some messing around with replay mod to see inside the prison or something? So yeah, Watcher boy be looking. And the “cannot be seen” part? He’s constantly falling into the background, almost forgotten, and maybe it's in his very nature.

Grian and Purp were both Watchers, though their time as Watchers only briefly overlapped. Purpled was already a Watcher during Evo times, having been picked up by the Watchers while traveling the void in his spaceship. They had promised him he would become something greater than himself, he would be part of something important, he would have a legacy. Purpled went along with them, at first, it wasn’t like he really had anything better to be doing. Besides, the magic and wings he got out of the deal were pretty cool.

It was when the Watchers started looking to recruit Grian that Purpled started to question why he was there. That legacy they promised him, he wasn't sure if they ever delivered on that. If anything, it was the Watchers that were benefiting off of him. The Evolutionists were the only people who were confident in their existence, and even then, they only knew of the group as a whole. They had no idea how many of them there were or of any of the individuals within. He doesn’t think that was ever what he wanted out of joining the Watchers... He wasn’t actually sure what he had wanted out of them.

Purpled noticed the Watchers focusing their attention on Grian, he saw how they worked to break down his will to rebel. Sure, he had joined them, but it wasn't like he had been told all their rules upfront. Naturally the guy who had continuously tested the limits of their patience when they had been some unknown power wouldn’t stop that just because he was one of them now. Grian would push the limits of what he was allowed to do, finding loopholes, dancing around the rules, and even outright breaking them at times. The two interacted a few times and Purpled liked the guy well enough. He liked him enough to break the rules himself and not report Grian when he caught him breaking some rules, he even pointed out a few spots in the rules where the phrasing could be exploited. Still, he recognized the opportunity Grian’s presence provided him. Purpled was no longer the newest Watcher, no longer constantly under their gaze. He could just leave, and if he was smart about it, he could get away and have plenty of time before anyone noticed.

So he did. With a final o7 to Grian, Purpled left. Their final encounter within the Watchers domain went something like this:

Purpled: Hey do you want some advice?

Grian: Sure

Purpled: *walks away never to be seen again within the Watcher’s domain*

It was only later that Grian realized what the advice was, long after he began sneaking out, began testing the limits of what he could do. It was long after he figured out that an eye couldn't really look within itself and he could use the very powers the Watchers had given him to hide himself from them, long after he'd made his own domain, long after he'd slipped away to a land he created specifically to stay out of their sight and reach that he realized what the advice was. Purpled had left. His advice was to leave. Grian had—albeit unknowingly—followed that advice.

Purpled had taken a much different method to getting away. Instead of making himself untraceable, he hid in plain sight. He went to Hypixel and made a name for himself playing Bedwars. With each game he won, with each game he clutched, he amassed supporters. Players, believers and doubters alike, began to bet on the outcome of his matches. Purpled had made himself seen. He knew the Watchers knew he was there, but that was the point. They couldn’t reach him, not without breaking their own rules, at least. Unlike the two Players turned Watchers, the original Watchers cared deeply for and were bound by their rules. Even if they had tried anything, Purpled managed to create his own legacy, making for himself what they never could. Beyond that, he'd found friends, he'd built a community, surrounded himself with people who would look for him and make themselves a problem for the Watchers if they tried to make him go back. They were forced to sit by and do nothing as he continuously broke their most important rule.

Purpled didn't need the Watchers, he never did.

Grian didn't really know how he felt about the Watchers. He didn't think he hated them, not really. The Watchers had given him a taste of true freedom then immediately began to restrain him. They'd given him wings and the power to create worlds in mere seconds, something which would not only take a regular Admin a much longer time, it would require a significant amount of preparation. He was given the world at his fingertips but was limited by the long list of rules the Watchers enforced. He doesn't regret joining them—he wouldn't give up his wings for the world—but they just weren't enough. The more they tried to make him fit their mold of a perfect little Watcher, the more sure of that he became.

It was almost funny, the Watchers had become stricter in order to prevent another Purpled situation. They were trying to ensure Grian wouldn’t leave them too, but in doing so, they had given him reason to. He was a bit curious though, he wondered what Purpled was up to now. Grian hadn’t gotten news about him since he’d left the Watchers.

So Grian went to Hypixel, he wanted to see if he could track down Purpled. He knew the other was there, judging by the leaderboards, but he couldn’t seem to catch him around the hub. He managed to track down gamblers betting on Purpled's victories. Grian followed that lead, tailing the person who was updating them on the results of Purpled's matches. Somehow that person continued to find intel without Grian catching where Purpled was. It made no sense, and if he was being honest with himself, it had long since reached the point of being frustrating. Eventually, after an infuriating amount of dead ends Grian decided he may as well play a few games before calling it a day and heading home. He tried a few solo matches of bedwars and while PvP wasn't really his thing, he had to admit throwing fireballs at people was pretty fun.

Grian finding Purpled wasn't even intentional on his part. At that point he wasn’t even actively looking or playing the game properly. He’d simply started building houses after politely asking people to leave him alone with varying levels of success. After a few games, he received a friend request from the person who had won the last match with a message inviting him to join them for some doubles. Grian accepted after a moment of thought, they seemed polite enough. They had left him for last when it would’ve been way easier and much more convenient to just continue their clockwise sweep.

It didn’t take Grian long to realize that his new companion was nicked, though to be fair, he was too. It’s not that he particularly cared when someone was nicked, but his curiosity was getting the better of him. There was something about this person, the way they held themself, the general energy around them, something that just felt so familiar. Try as he might, though, Grian couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

It was when he noticed the absolute confidence and ease in which his companion threw themself into the void that Grian finally gave in to his curiosity. Players usually avoid the void, and even if they did jump into it for strategic purposes, he's never seen anyone

recover as fast as his companion did. While they ran off to go stab someone who was getting too close to their area for comfort, Grian tried to look past their disguise. He was met with resistance, surprisingly. Usually looking past a Player being nicked was no issue. He pushed harder, it was more than just curiosity at this point, he needed to know who this was, why they were able to resist him. Somehow the results were worse this time. Grian realized with increasing bewilderment that he could no longer even see his companion. His teammate was just gone, there one moment and gone the next.

Grian blinked away the purple in his eyes, focusing on his surroundings. There were no new bridges leading away, his teammate was still in the game, and they hadn't died. Where could they have gone? He continued to scan the island when he was suddenly hit with the overwhelming sense of being watched. There, standing beside him was his teammate, eyes glowing the same purple Grian's had moments before.

"Something wrong, Grian?"

It all clicked for him then. His nicked companion was the guy he had been looking for the entire time, he’d only just now decided to reveal himself. Of course Grian’s Watcher abilities hadn’t helped, Purpled had way more power here than he did. He was just a guest in the other’s domain, he never had a chance of finding him if he hadn’t wanted to be found.

“Y’know, you could have been a lot clearer.”

“Rule 7. Besides, you figured it out, didn’t you?”

Once they reunited, the two realized they still got along well. They agreed to keep in contact, and they did. Grian would sometimes hop onto Hypixel to join Purpled for a few games—always nicked, they didn’t want the Watchers to realize they were in contact— and other times he'd drag him off to a creative world to challenge him to a game of build swap or various flying courses he’d created. The two often swapped tips and tricks for things they were good at. Grian would give Purpled lessons on building, block palettes, and flying (he argued the other only ever really using his wings while voiding didn’t count). In exchange, Purple would try to give him advice on various things he’d picked up from playing bedwars: block clutches, speedbridging, and general PvP.

When Purpled was invited onto the DreamSMP, he was fairly excited. He loved what he had going on with Hypixel and his friends there, but part of him had always wanted this. Ever since he was with the Watchers, overlooking everything on Evo and worlds before that, part of him had wished to be on the other side of things. This desire only grew stronger as he heard the tales of what Grian got up to on Hermitcraft.

The Dream SMP was nothing like he expected it to be. It turned out to be a hardcore world, only 3 “lives” allowed per player. There were also seemingly infinite respawns, though, which made no sense. He wasn’t sure which was more annoying: the unclear respawn rules or the fact that he was never told about them before he agreed to join.

Besides that, there was also some entity with a great amount of power, even more than the admin himself. Purpled had noticed their presence fairly quickly upon joining and he was immediately on edge. He had no information on the being, their power, their motives, nothing. And that felt dangerous. Purpled had unintentionally ended up falling back into old habits from working with the Watchers as he tried to establish himself in this world. He claimed land for his own, carving out his own domain within that of the unknown god while trying to avoid catching their attention. Eventually, once he was comfortable enough within the world, he began trying to reach out, trying to get involved in the things that were happening. He heard there was a war brewing, and if he learned anything from Grian, things were about to get really fun.

They didn’t.

His attempts to involve himself mostly failed, so he went back to doing what he had before. He claimed more and more land and continued watching over events from the sidelines. Things got serious, conflicts got personal, and unless he was directly pulled in by someone he considered a friend, Purpled just watched.

Anyway my excuse for whatever is going on with their designs is that Watchers can control how they are perceived. This is my city and I want them to have cool wings. Also Peggy was supposed to be my impulse control but the memo got lost in the mail and she never got it, so she enabled me instead. Now we have both funky dragon/parrot vibes on Grian and vague alien/phantom/vex vibes on Purpled

#ask #mcyt #grian #purpled bedwars #dreamsmp #hermitcraft #marsh tries #says marsh #writing is pain #gonna go play mc now to cope #au hours #ill come up with an actual name for this au at some point #but that is not now

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lokeanwelcomingcommittee · 4 years ago

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I’m guessing y’all get a lot of people asking if they should work with Loki, I’m gonna ask the opposite. What’re some signs that you should NOT work with Loki, whether he’s not the god for you or you’re not in the right time in life to start working with him?

Hi!

I want to preface my response by stating that there isn’t really any hard line where starting a devotional relationship becomes an objectively bad idea. Different people have different beliefs about what role religion should play in their lives. Different people have different preferences and goals. What’s good for someone may be harmful to someone else. So, with that in mind, I’m not implying that anyone who disagrees or has gone against my advice here is automatically unhealthy, abusive, etc. If it works for you, then it works for you. I’m only trying to provide a starting point to examine the viability of a devotional relationship based on my own subjective experiences.

- You don’t want to. It might be obvious, but it bears repeating. There are a lot of reasons why you may not want to work with Loki. Maybe you’re wary of working with deities. Maybe you’re part of a different religious tradition and don;t care to branch out. Maybe you just don’t feel drawn to him. But honestly, the reason doesn’t really matter here. You don’t have to worship anyone you don’t want to worship, and it’s okay to respectfully decline a god who approaches you.

- You don’t have the time or energy for the relationship. We can only do so much. Whether it’s because you already have a lot on your spiritual plate or because other aspects of your life are already a lot to handle, it’s a good thing to be able to do an honest evaluation of where you’re at and admit that you’re at your limit. You can always revisit the issue if your circumstances change.

- You feel pressured or coerced. It’s normal to feel nervous about interacting with a new deity, or to feel existential dread when your worldview is shaken, or to be awed by a god’s vastness and power. But it’s a massive red flag if you’re staying in a relationship purely because you fear the consequences of ending it. This applies whether the pressure is coming from a god or another human. Check out the BITE Model for more on the methods that cults use to recruit.

- Your religious practice would be unsafe for you. Maybe your living situation makes religious expression dangerous. Maybe your practice is exacerbating mental illness symptoms. Remember, you aren’t helping Loki by dying or otherwise putting yourself out of commission, especially when we’re talking about activities like food offerings or meditation that aren’t materially helping other people. Your health and safety come first.

- You haven’t done your research. Obviously, you don’t need an M.Div. or something to start exploring your spirituality. But it’s good to know the basics of what Loki is about and the religious tradition you intend to worship him through before diving in.

For starters, you don’t want to do something offensive--to Loki, to your co-religionists, or people whose culture you may unknowingly be appropriating. You don’t want to invest too much time or money or get too emotionally entangled in something before you know if it has a chance of working out. And most of all, you don’t want to end up building your spirituality around something that’s verifiably false, only to be devastated when that falls apart, or worse, dig in your heals and deny the truth to protect your feelings.

- You aren’t open to growth or change. And I honestly don’t say this just because Loki is widely seen as a god of change. Any god you cross paths with is going to open your eyes to new ways of seeing the world. Worshiping any god is going to change, to an extent, the way you live your life and the way you behave towards others. If this wasn’t the case, there wouldn’t really be much point in worship, would there?

Loki can force you out of your shell, if breaking free of this sort of stagnation is something you’re trying to achieve. But sometimes, people actively want, perhaps even need, a fallow period. A new devotional relationship obviously does not facilitate that.

Beyond that stuff? I honestly feel that Loki is great at meeting someone where they’re at. I’ve seen advice that you shouldn’t worship Loki if you aren’t prepared for a massive upheaval in your life, but I’ve gotta disagree with that. Loki won’t wreck your life for the sake of wrecking it. He breaks things to rebuild them better, and not everyone is in a place to rebuild from, or indeed, a place that needs to be dramatically broken. I’ve seen advice that you shouldn’t worship Loki if you can’t take harsh criticism. While, yes, he’s capable of being very blunt and won’t tiptoe around hard truths that he feels you need to hear, he’s also capable of reading the room and being gentle where gentleness is called for. I’ve seen advice not to start worshiping deities if you’re mentally ill, and that’s just ableism.

There’s never going to be a time where you know everything there is to know or have your life perfectly in order. So if it’s something you truly want to undertake and you can say that desire is coming from an informed place, I’d personally say that’s a sufficient greenlight. Best of luck to you, wherever your path leads.

- Mod E

#lokean

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good-rwbyaus · 4 years ago

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@little-voice-the-parasprite wrote: ...now I want to hear Weiss’s tale on this. This is like a fanfiction idea in the making.

Like, one of thosw fanfiction ideas where the beginning was launched out of a cannon just a few degrees to the side as opposed to canon, and the differences greadually make themselves more and more blatant and glorious as the stories unfold.

// I got you! 8) - mod lilac

____

Perspective :: Weiss // Becoming - [ main chapter ]

logo-comics asked: What about an AU where everyone had somehow been under the mistaken assumption that Ruby was a professor at Beacon? For a laugh, Ozpin rolls with it whenever he's asked about it.

Weiss remembered the brunette clad in red when she first arrived. At first, she thought the overly energetic girl was Ozpin’s kid. Free and expressive without any of the reverence a student should have for an esteemed Headmaster of a combat academy.

And then she heard the Headmaster say something very scary.

“Professor Rose.”

At first she couldn’t believe it. This Rose was younger than her and still had baby fat on her face, but as the Headmaster and Professor Rose spoke about the months prior to today, she became more and more astonished.

Cutting down a pack of Beowolves on her own.

Taking down a Boarbatusk with her bare hands.

Collaborating in a Hunters mission.

A normal student at a preparatory academy couldn’t do any of these things. Even students at combat academies didn’t start participating in missions until 2nd year, but this girl - probably not older than fourteen - did it.

But what really got her was the smile the girl wore when the Headmaster spoke of her exploits. Her demeanor wasn’t arrogant but shy and excited - as if she couldn’t wait to head out to fight even more.

It’s just that the girl needed a team to do so.

Heh. Pyrrha. Who’s Pyrrha? What champion of Mistral?

This was the person she needed to partner with.

-----

"And that’s not to mention all the connections you can make knowing the heiress of the Schnee Dust Company,” Weiss explained hastily to the pajama-wearing Ruby Rose who just gave her a blank, unmoved expression.

Argh. What did this girl want?!

Ruby didn’t care about the educational pension she offered nor did she care about sponsorship by the Schnee Dust Company after graduation. She didn’t blink an eye either about having her weaponry supplemented with all the recent Dust research the SCD could offer. And the only time she did react was when she offered free expert weapon maintenance during her stay at Beacon, and the girl gave her such a disdainful stare that she got flustered and stuttered through the rest of her recruitment speech.

By the time she finished, she was red in the face, embarrassed by this girl who didn’t seem to care for this valuable opportunity at all.

Was she just playing hard-to-get, trying to get more out of her? Or were all prodigies like this?

As though she noticed how awkward she was being, Ruby sheepishly rubbed her head with an apologetic look in her face.

“Uh...Weiss, right? That’s great and all, but I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for in a partner,” Ruby said hesitantly with a bow of her head.

Was this pipsqueak looking down on her? Professor be dam- whatever.

“What are you looking for in a partner then?” Weiss asked, unable to keep the frustration out of her voice.

Ruby’s friendly demeanor turned serious at the drop of a hat.

“Can you fight?” Ruby replied without missing a beat, “And can I trust you to have my back?”

Those two questions made her mouth gape her like a goldfish.

It was clear that all the things she cared about - connections, money, power, opportunity - were worthless in front of this fourteen year old girl. And Ruby was being genuine, not trying to negotiate more out of her like businessmen were wont to do. She could feel the conviction in the other girl’s words as if nothing else truly mattered in that little world of hers.

It was such a shock to her own worldview that she just stood there, even after the young girl shook her head and walked away.

The girl was right.

In the end, weren’t those two things the only things that truly mattered when fighting the Grimm?

It was the first lesson she’d learn from Professor Ruby and certainly not the last.

------

Have to find Pyrrha. Have to find Pyrrha.

Dashing through the Emerald Forest at top speed, she charged towards the gold and red blur that she saw flying above earlier. Sure, maybe she wasn’t able to give her recruitment speech to the Invincible Girl, but after learning the rules of forming a team, she realized she didn’t need to.

If she had known about the absurd manner of how they’ll find partners, she wouldn’t have thoroughly embarrassed herself last night.

Eye contact? Really?!

Well as long as she didn’t get the pretentiously suave blond guy Jaune as a partner she would count it as a win. Seriously, if she heard Snow Angel one more time, a name she couldn’t escape from when she was at Atlas or those stupid high-society parties her father favored, she was going to shove her heel into a place where the sun didn’t shine.

...Being around Ruby may or may not be worse. Sure, she’s a Professor-in-training, so she’s going to be experienced, but it would be weird having to listen to someone two years younger than her. Not to mention she thoroughly embarrassed herself in front of the gir-

As she burst through the treeline, her eyes widened as she caught a familiar crimson-cloaked figure. That figure turned its head towards her.

Silver eyes met hers, and Ruby wore a surprised expression for a moment before it quickly turned into a grimace.

“Oh.”

----

“Ah. Thank you for getting me down from that tree, Ruby,” the blond thanked, holding the spear-shotgun in his hands.

“Don’t mention it,” Ruby replied back, a genuine smile on her face. One that she never saw when the girl spoke to her.

“I still don’t see why you got him down there,” Weiss said grumpily, “He should be able to figure out how to land himself, not need another Hunter’s help. Do you like him or something?”

“Huh?” The blond in question looked to her and then Ruby.

“I think I just like Crocea Mors.”

“Wha-?” Jaune said, glancing over at his blade and shield-scabbard.

“I thought about why I felt really good about Jaune when we met at orientation,” Ruby spoke, not really paying attention to the other two’s reactions. It seemed she was used to monologuing; Weiss couldn’t help but picture Ruby as a lonely girl despite all her outward bubbliness. “And it has to be the shield. People who use shields are either scared of death or have something to defend. And since Jaune’s here despite being unstealthy, walking in a manner that’ll easily catch him flatfooted, and not having unlocked his Aura, he’s clearly not scared of death.”

“Uhhh...” Jaune laughed nervously. Weiss could only gave him an incredulous look.

“Honestly, if I had the choice, I’d rather pick him than you, Weiss.”

That hurt in more ways than one; was Ruby’s opinion of her that low? Her gaze locked back onto Ruby.

“Why?”

“Nothing personal. But Bart once said you can teach someone to fight, but you can’t teach loyalty,” Ruby quietly said, “And I don’t really know you well, and Jaune. Well, he has a shield.”

She was so annoyed that she wanted to laugh. Here she thought Ruby was thinking of her as completely unskilled and worthless, only for this reasoning to pop up.

“Aren’t you being a bit arbitrary?”

“Arbi-wha?” Ruby asked confusedly.

Weiss opened and closed her mouth before growling in frustration, “...Argh. How do I explain what that means? How can you be a prof-”

Ruby suddenly stopped and drew out her weapon. That alerted her and made her draw Myrtenaster right away. Jaune belatedly drew his blade and shield moments later.

“Grimm are coming,” Ruby hopped upwards into the trees, “I’ll handle long-range fire. You two engage.”

------

She darted through the battlefield using her Glyphs as platforms. Her precise bladework aimed for necks, eyes, and hearts, each one efficiently dispatching the Grimm that surrounded them. Occasionally, Myrtenaster would glow with an icy or fiery light, her favored attack elements holding and destroying the Grimm that got into her range.

From above, she could hear the tinkle of fallen bullet casings as Ruby provided sniper fire. She had an eerie feeling that every bullet the girl fired lethally found its mark.

“Hurggh!” the blond slashed down again and decapitated another Beowulf, probably the fourth or fifth compared to her dozen. Ruby was right. He was uncoordinated. Wrong foot out with his attack, sabotaging his gathered momentum. But against the young Beowolves, it was enough. And though his blade skills were poor, his body itself was pretty well-developed - if he ever started training for real, he had a really good foundation to start from.

Weiss mused to herself. Loyal people tended to be grateful, right? Maybe she could attract that sort of loyalty to her if she were to train him, but alas she was smart enough to know she was far from qualified. She’s more likely to lead him down the wrong path and wouldn’t that generate resentment instead?

Still, it’d be interesting to see if he could gain the skills Ruby expected him to get in the futur-

Wha- wrong Glyph?

She stumbled and slid into the ground instead of onto the Glyph she wanted to create. Lifting her head up, she saw the Beowulf she landed in front of about to deliver a haymaker onto her frame.

“Weiss!”

She saw the blond’s back as he stood in front of her, shield protecting them both. Her heart fluttered for a moment. Despite her cruel words and rejections, Jaune still took up her defense.

Loyalty.

The blond stumbled to the ground as he absorbed the blow, his hasty positioning too unstable to withstand it. Struck flat into the ground, Jaune groaned as his shield arm fell out of position with the Grimm about to strike down again.

“No!” she screamed.

Myrtenaster glowed white as she brought herself between the fist and Jaune, a White Glyph manifesting in front of her.

But then a flash of white suddenly bisected the Grimm, and its figure dissipated into red petals. Ruby came into view, slowly folding her scythe back into its portable form - the one or two Grimm that remained seemed to have been cleaned up by her.

Before she could thank the girl, Ruby started speaking.

"Ahh sorry. I knew you had it,” Ruby said apologetically before grinning, “I just wanted a chance to get up close and personal.”

It made things a bit awkward to be misunderstood like that, and she paused for a moment trying to find tactful words before realizing what she should actually be doing.

She lent a hand to a dazed Jaune and helped hoist him up.

“Hey,” Weiss said shyly, “Thanks for blocking that blow and s-saving me.”

“Ha. No problem. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s take a beating,” Jaune laughed, patting his chest with his fist.

His casualness brought a smile to her face, and it was nice to see another somewhat normal person in their group of three. Their companionable silence lasted for a moment before it was broken by Jaune.

“Ruby, why’d you fight long-range?” Jaune turned his head and asked confusedly, “I thought you’re a pretty good scythe wielder.”

Ruby lightly kicked a pebble on the ground as she frowned and grimaced, “I don’t want to be levitated out the Admin Tower by my foot again.”

Huh?

“For messing up another collaboration. Like umm... I use a scythe. I hit very wide, and you two fight in melee range and we’ve never fought together,” Ruby animatedly swung her hands to mimic her motions before finishing, “so things could get really bad, and Glynda said if I ever fought like that again, she’l-”

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Pyrrha finally appeared.

---

Pyrrha and Jaune went their separate ways, having rejected their offer to travel together. When she asked Ruby about it, Ruby simply said, “I think we’ll be surprised by Jaune when we meet him again.”

As she said this, the girl rubbed her cheek against her weapon as if drawing comfort from it. It was oddly familiar, and she remembered her doing the same back when the girl was with Headmaster Ozpin at orientation.

“You really like your weapon, don’t you?” Weiss teased.

“Crescent Rose,” she closed her eyes and didn’t stop hugging her weapon, “She’s the promise of the life I want to live.”

Weiss shut her mouth.

What could she say to that?

“You haven’t maintained your own weapon yourself for a long time, have you?”

The other girl’s expression was soft, and when paired with the almost loving expression she had for her own weapon, her words seemed more patient and guiding instead of accusatory. In fact, ever since their fight against the Beowolves, Ruby seemed less standoffish with her as if...

...she finally earned the other girl’s approval.

“You’re right,” Weiss admitted, deciding that she didn’t want to harm their fledgling relationship with fake blustering. Ruby’s right. She left it to someone she thought an expert. “How could you tell?”

Ruby held her hand out, and she knew what she wanted and handed Myrtenaster over to her.

“What’s your weapon’s name?”

“Myrtenaster...?” Uhh. Why’d Ruby want to know?

“Myrtenaster,” she nodded her head before saying, “Myrtenaster’s cylinder kept moving less smoothly during your fight, and it’s been throwing you off. You don’t trust in Myrtenaster’s mechanism anymore.”

Like what she was doing before with Crescent Rose, Ruby held the weapon’s guard against her cheek. Weiss couldn’t help but feel astonished.

How good was Ruby’s eye of discernment to notice that small detail while they were all fighting?

“So you keep using your eyes to check what dust color you’re using,” Ruby continued, her hand slowly turning the Myrtenaster’s cylinder, “And you’ve gotten so used to it that you don’t think it’s a problem anymore, except that the lapse in your attention nearly got you hurt today.

“I think Myrtenaster would be sad if that happened, even more than your lack of trust in it,” Ruby opened her eyes sorrowfully before holding the weapon, hilt out, back to her, which she graciously accepted.

“Whoever your expert is is probably remedying the quirk with a good amount of oil, which solves the smoothness but not the unreliability,” she sighed, “Myrtenaster must’ve taken a very nasty blow to the blade in the past, which probably misaligned the cylinder column. You probably only noticed it after you’ve used it for a while - a detail your expert probably wouldn’t have noticed because they don’t actually wield your weapon.”

Weiss recalled a phantom pain against her scarred eye, a Giant Armor’s fist crashing against both her and Myrtenaster. She had the blade itself repaired, but Ruby was right - she never noticed the cylinder’s problems until recently, and her expert kept saying it was in perfect condition despite her concerns.

“I get what you’re saying. I’ll maintain my weapon on my own from now on,” Weiss acquiesced.

“I’m sure Myrtenaster would like that,” she smiled, genuine happiness on her face once more before slight awkwardness returned to it, “Uhh. Hmm. Come on. Let’s get the chess pieces and finish up this Initiation. Maybe we can fight something along the way!”

Ruby already started dashing through the forest, and Weiss gave chase.

Weiss couldn’t help but laugh at the sudden switch in demeanor.

What a strange girl.

#ruby rose #jaune arc #weiss schnee #rwby fic #becoming au #rwby au #rwby #mod lilac #little-voice-the-parasprite

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little-red-toyota · 3 years ago

Text

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…

4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think? I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

#good bye to ttte #tw//suicide #tw//rape #tw// bullying #tw//depression #tw//ptsd #tw//ttte #tw//sex #tw//abuse #tw//domestic abuse #I'm done

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fallout4reacts · 6 years ago

Note

I’ve been trying to get this request to blogs to no avail. So I’ll try here. SS is John Wick. How would companions react to him and how he fights?

Thank you so much for the Ask!! Mod absolutely LOOOVES John Wick, so this was really fun to do!!

It’s been quite a LONG time since Mod has done any reacts, she’d a bit rusty, but shes working on a few now that she thinks are gonna be really great! (And finishing up a few older ones that needs to be finished!!)

Click “Keep Reading” to see the answers! (Doodle of John and Dogmeat also below the cut...)

Cait: Cait was wildly impressed. “Fuckin’ christ John! You’ve gotta teach me some of those moves!” Her favourite was when he’d run out of ammo and use various things to take down the last few enemies they faced. “Shite! I didn’t know you could kill a man with a Bobblehead!” Honestly, she loved traveling with him and learning from him, the two of them together in a room full of enemies, there was nothing like it.

Codsworth: Codworth had known of John’s previous employment before the war. But only ever served under him once he��d retired. When the bombs fell and John came stumbling out of the vault only to be thrust back into a dog eat dog world, Codsworth couldn’t help but feel sorry for his master. “Sir, I know the world has changed, but I hope you can consider retiring again someday. I’ll be here to help you along the way.” Codsworth was impressed with John’s skills sure, but more than anything, wanted him to be happy again like he’d been before the bombs.

Curie: Curie didn’t seem very surprised to see John’s unique style of fighting. His skill was leagues above the average commonwealth ruffian so she was more impressed and intrigued than anything. She was always asking him questions about his past and his fighting style, much to his dismay. That and she was pretty protective of him, concerned since he was getting older he couldn’t continue to be so hands on. “Monsieur Wick! Please do be careful! I understand this used to be your job but you are not as young as you used to be!”

Danse: When John had stumbled across his squad in Cambridge, Danse thought he was like any other wastelander. Boy, he was surely mistaken when the two of them went to Arcjet. John was completely incapable of taking orders, but even with nothing but a pistol and his worn down suit, he was able to clear the whole plant of synths like he’d never seen. Danse and John didn’t work well together but he admired his skill with a gun, and was envious of how he used his body and surroundings to his advantage in combat. “You’re a very skilled fighter John, but I just don’t think our styles play well together.”

Deacon: Deacon had his eye on John ever since he stumbled out of the vault. He knew John didn’t mess around and recommended his recruitment into the railroad almost instantly. If John wasn’t on their side, he would have made a grave mistake. Personally, John and Deacon didn’t get along all that well together, after all John was a man of few words and well... Deacon was not! Although that never stopped Deacon from trying to get the master assassin’s secrets. “Y’know John, if you let me in on some of your tactics, maybe we could work out a cool tag team stealth infiltration strategy.”

Dogmeat: John and Dogmeat, BFFs till the end of the world!!

Hancock: John and Hancock actually had very similar views on justice, and how they viewed any personal discrepancy. Hancock, maybe not to the same extent as John, but that bond actually made them quite good partners. John had managed to half entertain the idea of being a “silent” post apocalyptic Silver Shroud with just his usual demeanor, and once Hancock saw him in action himself he was really impressed and excited. Hancock jumped at every opportunity to hang out with John and take on the commonwealth. “Man, you put the Silver Shroud to shame, the two of us could really raise some hell out here with just your name alone, John Wick.”

MacCready: MacCready totally geeked out when he saw his boss fight the first time. To him, John Wick was some kind of Anti hero in a comic book, he couldn’t believe the moves John pulled off! It was tough for MacCready to tread the fine line of childlike awe and professional mercenary whenever he was with John. After all, the last thing you want to do is piss off John Wick. “Boss, I’m real glad you decided to hire me but, not sure why’d you need me! You’re the best shot I’ve ever seen!”

Piper: When John stumbled into Diamond city with Piper, she had no clue the plainly dressed guy packed such a punch. She’d nearly called him foolhardy for walking around in nothing but a bullet proof vest and a worn out suit. That was before she knew what he was capable of. After that, she had no doubt he could handle himself, and made sure to stay on his good side. She was weary of him, John was far more skilled in combat than any man she’d ever met before, and oftentimes more ruthless. “Um John, I know you know what your doing but, maybe take it easy now and then?”

Preston: John always returned to him nearly unscathed, even when he went to some of the most fortified raider camps. Occasionally he’d come back a bit beaten or bruised but nothing worse for ware. More tired than anything else. Preston had no idea how John handled himself so well until he’d accompanied him on the road. After he saw was John was capable of, he made sure never to question it. Preston was seriously impressed, but also seriously cautious with his requests. This was a man he didn’t want to get on the bad side off. “Mr. Wick, I have some jobs for you if you’re interested.”

Strong: Strong likes John a lot, after all, John is very good at fighting and doesn't talk too much. Strong is very impressed by how good of a fighter John is, and now thinks any other human is not as good as John. Sometimes he gets annoyed when John is doing maintenance on his guns, but otherwise Strong and John get along great together. “Human good fighter, strong like super mutant brother! But fast like bullet also... Strong like Wick!”

Valentine: “I don’t know why you need an old soul like me hanging around when you carry yourself like that Wick.” Just when Valentine had thought he’d seen it all, Jonathan Wick showed up in his office. He hadn’t thought much of him initially, didn’t even really believe him when he’d told him he was a retired hitman. But then way he moved through fully guarded enemy strongholds, clearing the place swiftly of enemies? Yeah. He’d come to believe him. Everyday with John he’d find a new way to kill a man he hadn’t thought possible before. And he’d seen a lot.

X6-88: X6 absolutely loves how John does things. They work well together and he stays out of his way when he needs to. X6 may be one of the highest trained synths in the institute, but even with that, he hardly compares to John. X6 usually doesn’t have much to say to join in terms of critique, often really only providing intel about the commonwealth itself rather than how to survive or fight. Often pushes John to continually consider becoming the new leader of the institute. “Sir, of all the humans I’ve met in the commonwealth, by far i think you are most suited to succeed Father.”

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kriatyrr · 7 years ago

Text

The many ways in which Fallout 4 could have been better.

I’ve had so many ideas run across my mind that I have no hope of getting them all in writing, but some of the big ones..

During the opening, when your spouse goes into the cryopod in Vault 111, instead of merely waving to you, they could signal “I love you” in ASL. Your character mirrors the gesture and whispers “I love you too, hon.” Even if sign language never comes up in the game again. Just that little thing could mean so much to some players.

The intimidate perk could be used to resolve some situations peacefully. In Diamond city when that guy pulls a gun on his brother, thinking him a synth, you can pacify him if you have the perk - and nothing happens. The security goons don’t arrest him, they just stand around doing nothing and the encounter does not resolve until you put your gun away or walk away, where it resumes as scripted and security shoots him.

Not to mention in the Railroad ending... Haylen surrendered to me, and then Tinker Tom comes along and fucking murders her anyway. How awesome would it be if you could talk her into joining you, in order to reduce collateral damage. While you’re planting bombs on the Prydwen, Haylen rounds up the squires (+Emmet) and take them down to the ground and away from the blast radius. Or you could even tell Desdemona that no, we’re not blowing up the Prydwen, there are children on that ship. Your plan sucks and I will not do it until you come up with a better one. At least in the Institute ending they had some time to evacuate - the last thing I saw before being forcibly relayed away was Elder Maxson in power armor, running away.

Everyone has already mentioned actually fixing Danse’s dialogue post-Blind Betrayal. A redemption arc would be nice too. He doesn’t strike me as the type of hypocrite who would accept himself being a synth while still hating every other synth in the game.

You learn Danse’s synth designation, but you can’t do a damn thing about it. You can’t ask the Railroad about what happened (granted, they’d have a lot of personnel changes since 97 originally escaped, but Deacon at least was probably still around back then, or they might have records. Or maybe those were destroyed at the Switchboard)

You can’t ask anyone in the Institute. Not even Liam. Obviously he’s too young to have been involved back then, but he’s pretty good with computers, surely he could dig up information about old synth escapes.

you never actually get to see the intel that Quinlan decrypted. All you get to know is he was on the list of “missing or escaped” which Arthur Maxson can’t tell apart from “infiltrator unit” and they announce his synth designation to the entire division as if there is no risk of actual institute infiltrators who can then contact their superiors to get the recall code. So I get at this point that bringing Danse back isn’t an option, but surely there is no danger in Danse existing after the institute is destroyed. When Maxson tells you that we will never speak of this again, I wanted to tell him that I’ll obey that order until the institute is destroyed, but after the dust settles, we need to talk.

Or how about some delightfully awkward situations where BoS members see you with Danse and you run away instead of killing them. Have Maxson exposed as a liar. Undermine his authority. (They sure gave us a lot of fanfic fuel...)

How about being able to assign settlers to corpse disposal or general clean-up and slowly over time get rid of those trash piles that are everywhere and those infernal skeletons that you can’t even drag around. But no, we had to get a mod for that.

How about after getting rid of the raiders at Nuka World, they actually start wearing normal clothing and take off the damn shock collars and get someone to work in the radio station - it’s still on air, Red Eye just left the studio without turning anything off. I bet they meant for that guy in Cappy’s Cafe to take over and then just never finished it.

Also wouldn’t it be cool if you ran into Red Eye in a random encounter that could go many ways depending on what you say to him. I wanted to say I loved his station and it was the only thing I missed from before I killed everybody. Offer him a ton of caps to come back and work for me again.

If you let the raiders take over Commonwealth settlements before turning on them, they’ll randomly show up and try to kill you - again and again, long after you exterminated them at Nuka World. How do they keep getting new recruits when all their leaders are dead? How does the Brotherhood keep getting new vertibirds when they crash all the time? There are always more raiders. Where was this massive population when I was just thawing out? Encounters should get less frequent to reflect the dwindling population.

There is no sense of scarcity beyond the first few levels. Things respawn at a ridiculous rate. Just the other day I was picking up some scavenge, wandered into a different area, backtracked and went through the same area later the same day and everything had respawned. This is so upsetting to me. I want my efforts to mean something. I am cleaning up the commonwealth, one discarded beer bottle at a time, but all the clutter just keeps coming back! I hate it. I have yet to play a character who is a cannibal because I really can’t imagine needing to do that when the world is just full of food. I plant some crops and tell a settler to tend to them, and when I return a day or two later it’s ready for harvest.

Speaking of harvest, there are no seasons. The daylight hours don’t get longer in summer or shorter in winter, there is no sense of the passage of time, the date is just a string of numbers in your pip-boy with no meaning whatsoever, you get a quest and everything just waits on you, for months or years, Father doesn’t start to question your dedication to the Institute when you STILL haven’t relayed to Mass Fusion six months later, nor will he be a good boy and just die already from his rapidly progressing terminal illness, no he’s going to force you to kill nearly all of your friends before he’ll let you actually take over. Not that you get to do ANYTHING at all as Director. All you get is the institute power armor paint job and the ability to buy synth relay grenades. You don’t get to say “Oh by the way I’m abolishing slavery, have fun doing your own menial work from now on” (I keep thinking I’d be able to do more good for the synths as the leader for the institute than I ever could with the railroad) and why can’t I tell Desdemona to go deeper underground and I can just tell Father they had already left when he sent me there to kill them. Why can’t I tell Elder Maxson to go back to the Capital Wasteland because literally no one in the commonwealth wants him there. We have the Minutemen to defend the settlements and the Railroad to fight the institute and all he’s doing is making things worse.

And let MacCready stop being such a deadbeat dad and bring his son to live with us in the Commonwealth.

I loved the Far Harbor DLC, but it was so disappointing that none of the companions other than Nick had any new voice lines.

Why can’t I bring my romanced companion to the Memory Den for a date in a simulation of the pre-war era? Danse would love that, I’m sure..

why can’t I pet cats? Why didn’t Bethesda spend a quarter of the effort they did on dog animations on making cats look more realistic. They should be napping on beds and chairs, rubbing up against settlers’ legs and tripping them and interacting with their environment too. Have you seen the animation that passes for a cat’s yawn? The first time I saw it, I thought Ashes was about to throw up a giant hair ball.

If you are caught pickpocketing, that’s it, game over. Diamond City Security doesn’t try to arrest you, it’s shoot to kill. Same in the institute. I’m sorry to say it, but that was something Skyrim did better.

why can’t you romance non-companions like in Skyrim? I want to marry Arturo Rodriguez and be Nina’s step parent.

Synth relay grenades should not work after blowing up the Institute.

The AI should not fall off things quite so often. I should not go through an entire Research Patrol assignment for the Brotherhood only to have the Scribe I’m escorting fall to their death when I take the vertibird up to the Prydwen.

When an enemy panics and decides to run away, they should keep running and not turn around and go right back to trying to kill me seven seconds later.

my companion should not be quite so bloodthirsty. They should not attack a fleeing enemy, particularly a civilian like the institute scientists.

Every companion shouldn’t have all the same animations. Preston should not inhale Jet if you linger around on the top floor of Drug Den. Curie should not smoke.

The companions should have preferences as to what food they prefer to eat, which chems they take or under which circumstances. I gave Danse a whole bunch of different stuff to see what he’d use, and the first time I got in a fight he had taken med-x and berry mentats (fun fact: your companion takes berry mentats and you see the pink haze). You’d think Yao Guai ribs were his favorite things to eat, but no, it’s just that the AI will favor taking anything with damage reduction. Other companions do the same. Synths will not favor Fancy Lads Snack Cakes. Little things like that would have made the game so much more fun to me.

Damn it there should have been a terminal with journal entries in Danse’s quarters on the Prydwen. Or he should have continued to update his terminal at the Cambridge Police Station. Maybe wash his face once in a while after the Prydwen arrives.

You should be able to give people caps. I hate how caps only flow one way in the game. You can take your settlers’ measly pocket change, but you can’t pay them for working for you. You buy property in Diamond City but you never pay taxes or utilities. (that might help with the sense of passage of time).

You build a peaceful utopia at your settlements, but your settlers never form relationships or start having kids now that it’s finally safe to do so. The world could feel a lot more real. (I mean I love how absurd it is, but absurdity and realism can coexist, I promise)

“Crop’s been growing pretty good lately” - there’s never any crop failure, or natural disasters making food a scarcity. Rad storms don’t affect anyone but you, and people will not seek shelter.

Nick and Ada remind you that they don’t need to eat or sleep or anything, but neither does any other companion. I mean I guess they’re adults who can take care of their own basic needs, but they don’t have any money of their own unless you specifically tell them to pick up caps you find.

You never find out where Danse got that lovely suit of X-01 power armor from.

Hate me for this long post yet? I’m not even done but this’ll do for now. Uh, how do I do a Read More thing again?

#fallout 4 rant #paladin danse #damned respawn

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retphienix · 5 years ago

Photo

Since I’m a bit into the game (sorta) by now I figured I’d talk on the gameplay just a touch.

Putting it all out there since it’s obvious I keep making the callbacks.

I’m biased as heck. FFT is my favorite game, I’m gonna compare similar games, I’m gonna be slightly irked at first by anything that’s different until I accept those differences because I’m an idiot.

And with this being the predecessor or in some ways the prototype of FFT all those comparisons are a lot more relevant in my mind.

So with that out of the way I’ll say it. I prefer FFT. BUT. Not in the worst way possible. I am loving this playthrough- I feel like I’m playing a remix on FFT and it’s a blast. And it’s not all downgrades, to get that out of the way.

The game has some features that feel better than what FFT went with and a good chunk of features that are JUST BARELY not as good as FFT’s but are lacking in one way or another. That’s kind of the way of things with a game that was reincorporated into making FFT in the first place.

So with that bias and unwarranted ridicule out of the way let me point at some things as ‘better’ and ‘worse’. Not all things, just what’s on my mind at this point in the game.

In order of pics I suppose.

1) This is both a ‘better’ and a ‘more potential than actually being explored thus far’ and a ‘I just figured this out to be honest’. Equipment in FFT often have effects on top of raw stats. Not all, but pretty early on they start throwing a few things in. They get away with not making all early gear unique by virtue of having more stats to utilize like avoidance being on accessories and shields which is sorely missed in TO. That said, they do attempt to add effects to some gear to offset their stats and make you consider what you’ll bring.

And I didn’t expect some of the earliest options to include this line of reason but sure enough- some items give you a rank in some skills you could equip which is nice, on top of other effects that could be attached to gear. This is good. The prevalence this early on is good. It evolved into more in FFT but it being here is very good.

2) Unfortunately this leads into skills since those equipment often give points in skills. Skills. Kinda. Suck.

It’s obviously good in terms of adding a lot to the gameplay. But some of the decisions really make them feel less impressive. Namely, skills are class specific (duh) and transfer to only certain other classes (disappointing).

It makes sense on some levels, yada yada, class identity all that jazz. And in saying that I admit this is opinion in a way, but I’m looking at my preferences and how FFT handled it since that’s my metric for the best way to handle it. I get why it’s this way on some levels but it really REALLY hampers creativity and giving your units any sort of personality based on how you play them.

To lay it out- say, Rampart Aura. It’s a skill that makes it so enemies can’t walk past you and, ideally (but not because it’s pretty bad and there aren’t sufficient tools to make a character a ‘tank’ that draws fire) attacking that unit since they can’t walk past them.

You spend some sp, learn the skill, slap it on- it’s all well and good. But then you change to an archer and decide you want to keep that skill for some stupid reason. You can’t. You have it, sure, but you can’t USE it. It’s incompatible and that customization is taken from you.

Or more egregious- spells. Want to slap divine magic on some units so you have makeshift heals available without a dedicated cleric? Too bad! Most units can’t use it and some (like Vartan) CAN equip Divine magic but can ONLY cast the offensive spells instead of heal.

That specific tidbit gets under my skin a lot- having the Divine Magic skill or the Dark Magic skill doesn’t mean “Cast these spells” it means “Cast whichever cherry picked types of these spells this class can specifically support”.

Basically, in FFT, imagine equiping white magic on a thief and finding out they can only cast support spells like protect and shell despite having all the spells learned. It’s that- an arbitrary limiter on what you can do with cross-class interactions meant to make each individual class seem more empowered- but it just feels like all classes can’t do jack because every class can do like 1 thing.

Sorry for bad train of thought, but also the Vartan guy you end up with is grade A I like him.

3) I’ll speed things along- the equipment screen sucks. Stats aren’t as expansive as I’d like, equipping anything is a mess where you click “Equip” “Slot” “Type of equipment” “The Equipment” and now you’ve got that one slot done and couldn’t compare it effectively with all the options you had. Messy. I don’t recall the original version being better or worse so it’s something this psp version could have improved on.

4) Buying stuff! Kinda sucks! No fitting room like FFT, you buy thing and equip/compare thing LATER in your bag. It works too much like oldschool FF games where you go to the shop and just buy things to equip later- in a tactical game this is a pain. Having to look at the item, look at its stats, hold square and scroll to see what classes can equip it, try to remember what said class has equipped now, buy it or not.

It’s messy as hell.

5) And finally, as implied earlier, the classes are really kind of a disappointment because of the way skills work.

Like, as a whole, it’s because of that. Classes rarely learn anything valuable to another class, so you don’t really change around to learn those skills. Classes don’t bring too much to the table on their own, likely because a lack of transfer skills would mean 1 strong class would become the only class that matters. And all of them feel kind of one note because, again, lack of interesting skills and lack of transfer skills.

Warrior can spend tp to hit harder. Archer can spend tp to shoot harder. Wizards have spells. Clerics can heal. Rune can heal too AND hit so screw clerics. Knights can heal too AND hit AND are supposedly tanks but the ai and skill choices don’t really make this applicable but otherwise screw clerics. Terror knights can debuff and hit things. Berserkers can hit all forward tiles ahead of them in a pattern like this I believe it was

XXX XOX with the o being them, they spend tp to do this once btw. Dragoon learn specific tp costing skills that raise their attack against various monster types like beasts or dragons, basically they just hit things. Ninjas can dual wield and swing both weapons (Good!) Rogues can backstab (Good!) along with other thief like skills and even laying traps?! Beast Tamers just learn alternative recruit spells to bring in beasts and dragons and then empower them by spending tp to buff them- the whole beast thing seems too convoluted since it seems like tamers or otherwise buffing the beasts is needed for them to carry their weight.

And there are more classes I’ve yet to unlock but reading on them it isn’t too much we haven’t seen. Better mages, raising undead which sounds interesting, a dancer/bard equivalent.

Most classes simplify down to one action that is usually “Hit thing” or “I cast this type of spell” and that’s a little disheartening when FFT usually gave you a ton of options per class AND the ability to mix and match these skills on your units so you end up with a powerful spellcaster tossing damage and heals or a ninja monk or an archer time mage.

I’m sure I sound aggressively against all this- but no.

I get why, it’s a pretty incredible title for its time and it lead to FFT in the first place, I’m just seeing where some of the ideas didn’t pan out or where some of the ideas first started and would later evolve. And it’s REALLY fun in it’s own bubble- but I’d be lying if it mostly just makes me want some of the cut threads modded into FFT so FFT was even bigger.

Toss in ninjitsu into FFT as an alternative to thrown weapons! Ninjitsu in this game is basically the sword arts from samurai in FFT but who cares, give it to us twice!

Give Mediators more buffing abilities like what beast tamer apparently gets!

But there’s some overly critical of a breakthrough title nonsense from me that very few if any will have the patience to read. **I DON’T BLAME YOU LOL**

#RetPlays #Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together

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tumblunni · 8 years ago

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ANYWAY! I’mma gonna talk about my playthru of Digimon World Next Order, to distract me from the fact i’m rapidly approaching the ending and have to wait to sate my JRPG tastes on Persona 5 afterwards...

* it is really really REALLY REALLY really REALLy great to finally be able to play a game in the DW series as a female character. Holy SHIT, man this is overdue! And it isnt handled awfully like in Cyber Sleuth where everyone constantly calls you male and the character design is really oversexualized and doing weirdass poses for everything. There’s still a lil bit of ‘cliche girly option traits’ but seriously she’s like the least stereotyped design we’ve had in the games since Dusk and Dawn! She gets to wear SHORTS and A HOODIE! A hoodie that has an inexplicable hole in the back for some reason, but whatever! xD Also I actually like her version of the Protagonist Hair better, even tho I think its lame they colour coded them in the ol cliche genderedness. Boy character just has one streak of coloured hair at the front, but girl has a spiralling streak on the end of her ponytail that looks like a punk poison sort of fashion~! And it leaks pixels when she runs, and has a really nice glow effect that kinda makes it draw patterns as you swing her model around. Makes me wanna run in circlesssss~ Her dubbed voice is a bit boring cliche anime love interest tho, a bit squeaky after you’ve been hearing it for hours. But the dude is Like Every Shonen Hero Voice Ever, so i think its meant to be intentionally generic for both of them. I could swear he’s voiced by a bad Tai impersonator! XD Also I’m just kinda thankful cos every other girl in the plot gets a REALLY squeaky unbearable english voice, thank god protagonist is spared...

* its a lil bit of funnyness tho that for some reason the skill list is the only place where the translators forgot about the protagonist options. Like.. a LOT of Tamer Skills are weirdly gendered when it would have taken five seconds to change that. Why does it have to be stuff like ‘Cooking Boy’ and ‘Cooking Man’ instead of basic and advanced cooking? Especially cos the other one in between is called Gourmet Cooking...

* I love forever that so many of the virus type recruitable digimon are sweethearts of hugs and joy. Now THAT reminds me of the original Digimon World! Seriously I am SO GLAD that Literally The Same Myotismon has a sidequest about rescuing his precious myobrella so he won’t faint in the sun. or like.. if its not the same Myotismon then MAN he would totally be a great ship with the other equally helpless one in the first game XD He has a nice new function as a townsperson, instead of just being ‘a manager’ in the colloseum and never even being a fight. (That annoyed me as a kid! He just stands there!) Now he runs the card gallery, cos you collect ‘antique cards’ in this game and he restores them with his painting skillz. its a nice lil in-joke cos they’re all the original first trading card artworks from waaaaay back in the first season! And Piedmon is in this one too, yay! He’s actually like the only morally dubious virus type AT ALL, he talks like a cliche mwahaha mad scientist even as he does nothing particularly evil. His sidequest is a funny thing of playing hide and seek and he sucks at it. While yelling hammily about being an evil genius! And then he has quite a useful function in the town, he does a random effect on you once per day with his evil science, and it could be good or it could be bad, but if its bad he actually pays you compensation money for it! EVEN THE EVIL GUY IS TOO KIND And OH MAN I am so happy and sad for Skullgreymon! A good guy skullgreymon was always one of my ideas for a DW fangame, im so happy it happened for real! In this game Skullgreymon is a fashion designer with low self confidence, and you recruit them by finding weregarurumon who’s their biggest fan and becomes their first friend. Its so sweet! They never actually interact once you recruit them both tho, cos they work at different parts of the town. But im still gonna assume they keep in touch! Its also a shame skullgreymon doesnt actually run a fashion shop, cos there actually WAS a fashion shop in Digimon World Redigitize aka the one damn game we’ll never see dubbed T_T Instead skullgreymon gets this kinda depressing role of just standing around outside the entertainment area saying ‘i wish i could work with children but they’re always scared of me’, and then if you bring a newly hatched digimon to see them then they gain bonus stats from being terrified somehow?? NOOO WHERE IS THE OPTION TO TEACH MY CHILDREN THAT SKULLY IS A FRIEND

* Anyway, my main digimon are (still) Hershey and Zephyr, and I love them! I’m still working on hoping to eventually get the full terriermon and lopmon canon digivolution lines with them, wow its hard. But I adore them no matter what form they take at the moment! I ended up loving them so much that i never raised any other digimon ever. i just rename them the same name every time they reincarnate, and pick the same eggs! I’ve gotten close to unlocking every single variation of the bunno brothers evo lines!! But it IS getting really annoying that you have to type the name manually every time, why no option to just stick with the previous name? DW1 had that and it was on way worse hardware! Oh, and its funny that I started off calling them the bunny brothers cos thats what they were in adventure 02, but then after playing the game for ages I’ve settled on headcanoning hershey as female and zephyr as nonbinary. And also I started off with the cliche personalities of sassy rebel terriermon and stoic lopmon like in Tamers, but Hershey ended up being the rebel instead and Zephyr is like a shonen hero cinnamon roll! They’re both equally sassy and eccentric tho XD I’m not quite sure yet what would be their ‘canon’ final mega forms that I wanna keep them in for the final boss and stuff. But hershey’s made me regain my appreciation of Ladydevimon after I stopped liking her as soon as I grew old enough to understand that most of her fans only liked her for being ‘a stripper’ :P Like.. she’s a really damn good design even without the fanservice?? I like her way more than devimon, myotismon and etc, I wish she’d gotten to be a major villain! i mean it sucks that devimon got to be one when she’s literally his evolved form. (And yes I am happy that it continues to be canon that ladydevimon can digivolve from devimon and the same for angewomon and angemon. DIGIMON AINT RESTRAINED BY HUMAN GENDER ROLES YO) So yeah anyway, I kinda headcanon Hershey as a hypothetical less skimpy redesign of LadyDevimon? or like.. if she got her own unique Mega form that kept a similar design, rather than just being retconned into lilithmon and rosemon’s evo lines. I just don’t think the skimpyness fits with Hershey’s personality but the rest of the design just has such a cool piratey thiefy type look?? And she’s like THE BEST monster girl in the franchise, she’s the only one who really gets to be monstery looking, even if she’s still an hourglass figure sex object. i mean i always thought it was meant to be a subversion of that?? She has that giant monster claw hand and is really vicious and powerful in battle! All her animations in the game are her shredding things with it and doing the classic dracula rise-from-the-grave when she’s knocked out, and just... ITS REALLY BADASS!! I didnt know how cool a fight with her could be, cos she just got that stupid ass fanservice joke slap fight in the anime... ANYWAY Ladydevimon is good I appreciate her I like her even though she’s in the general genre of fanservice digimon that I dislike. She’s like the one single one I dont hate! (Tho I still wish we had more than like.. two un-fanservice female digimon in the entire damn series) Buuuut I dont think her design quite fits Hershey even though she’s the digivolution I keep using ingame. Maybe if I can find a different Mega that I prefer, and make up a fanmade digivolution line? or I could do a fanart variation of the digimon...

* ANYWAY I kinda ended up headcanoning Hershey as a former member of the broken apart pirate crew in Mod Cape. Cos like.. what if your digimon had backstories of what their life was like before they met you! like Gatomon in Adventure, they were chosen to be partners to a destined hero but had to wait so long they’d become disillusioned. Cos when you meet em at the start of the game they’re mega level and only get poofed back into eggs cos of machinedramon’s attack. WHAT LIFE DID YOU LEAD WITHOUT ME. I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOU NOW AAAAAAA!! So yeah it would be cool to headcanon Hershey as a former highway bandit type character who has trouble adjusting to living in a city surrounded by happy innocent people and hugs. I dont see her as grumpy tho.. like, she’s kind of a bombastic trickster archetype but she’s still super cynical and ‘I only care about myself, anything else gets you hurt’. I was thinking maybe if I designed a fanmade mega for her she could be like a magician pirate zombie demon??? Like.. yknow piedmon is a deck of cards clown guy with those four daggers? i actually got Piedmon as her digivolution when she was a Ladydevimon and I was thinking MAN it could be so cool if we had like a zany zombie digimon who attacks by stabbing a sword through her own back! Like ‘watch me saw a woman in half’ XD A design where she has a load of weapons stuck in her and uses them to fight with! like how mummymon is a mummy + soldier in a leg brace design, hypothetical zombiemon could be a zombie + actual tragic assassination victim. Plus a magician. Or a clown. And ladydevimon. And a pirate. LOOK I JUST HAVE A LOT OF MUTUALLY CONTRADICTORY HEADCANONS OKAY xD

* I don’t really have as much development ideas for Zephyr yet, aside from that they’re Hershey’s more cheerful and positive sibling. But I see them as also being kinda creepy and battle-hungry and stuff? Like.. both these twins are total virus types, clown type, typical final villain type of acrobatic doom! And both are good guys deep down. But Zephyr is a more cinnamon roll type of good and Hershey is grumpy unwillingly dragged into goodness. And like.. Zephyr is a bit dotty and only accidentally creepy, not really understanding how to socialize properly. And probably they would be like ‘NO BIG SISTER, STEALING IS BAD’ *currently stabbing a guy* I think maybe my headcanon for Zeph might be that they were for some reason left completely alone while waiting for the protagonist? Hershey at least found some companionship with the pirates, even if she became super bitter after the team broke up. I think Zeph maybe started off as a wild forest mon that’d even forgotten how to speak, until by pure chance they bumped into their long lost twin sister and then met the protagonist. So like an innocent angel who’s all new to the city and excited about everything, but also kinda fighty and dangerous because of the same stuff that makes them innocent. I dunno, I might make them an angewomon or ophanimon to match with Hershey? Tho I wanted to make them both good guy virus types, it could be an equally interesting contrast to have a vicious battle-obsessed angel who’s the absolute opposite of softspoken fancyness! And I also kinda associate them with the colour green even though I ended up picking a grey themed digivolution for Hershey instead. But all of Terriermon’s natural digivolutions are all machiney and don’t suit this personality as much... I dunno, maybe I could make up another headcanon/variant type thing? Cos after all lopmon’s line gets two champion level forms and two megas but terriermon only has two recolours for the same ultimate level. Maybe even it out, lol! Or like, I’m thinking like.. what if Terriermon had a mega that suited Henry more? i was reading someone’s review where they said it was weird that pacifistic Henry got a giant robot specializing in attack while Rika got the humanoid pacifist digimon. And yeah, that IS totally weird! And it got me imagining what if Terriermon got a humanoid digivolution that was like a martial artist?? or maybe like a speedy superhero lookin armour thing! Like just a more humanoid rapidmon! or I dunno maybe if puppetmon is in this game then zephyr could be puppetmon. I miss puppetmon. puppetmon never got to be in ANY games except dusk and dawn! I WANNA SEE A 3D PUPPETMON YO!!

* Man I just spent this entire post rambling my headcanons for silent protagonist characters instead of actually talking about the game... aaaa...

#bunni plays next order

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spectrumtranszine · 6 years ago

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Update: 28 March, 2019

Hi guys. Kai here. As you may or may not know, I have taken over the Spectrum Zine from the original mod, Ali. And honestly? It has been A Fucking Process. I’ve enlisted the help of a few trusted people, including Ardett helping me out with social media, and we are at a point where we are able to enter the final stages of this project and we’re asking for your continued patience and cooperation so we can finish out the project, get you your orders, and make our donation to True Colors.

Okay so the update as it currently stands is:

I got handed a clusterfuck of a zine in dribs and drabs by Ali. Despite repeated requests, I did not receive all the information I asked for. I have still not received much of that information.

Yeah, no, after S8 dropped, I couldn’t look at Voltron without feeling sick for about a month, I’ll be honest about that. And no, that’s not a ship thing. I could give a shit about what ships are or aren’t canon. I mean the characterizations and the million and one ways they abandoned everything they’d built for seven seasons. But I got back into it and I’m not going to abandon a fandom I love because of a silly little thing like Canon Sucking. Since then, I’ve been back to working on this project.

Apparently, the original tumblr page for the zine is gone. I did not do this. I have NEVER had access to this tumblr page. It must have been something Ali, the original project runner, did. I literally even didn't know Ali had nuked the tumblr page until very recently. Ali hasn't spoken to me in months and our last contact was me attempting to get the passwords from them yet again with yet another empty promise.

That said, I have officially GUESSED my way into the twitter account, changed the password, and removed Ali from the recovery info so I have THAT now, at least, as well as the original yahoo email account. I'm going to be posting there starting March 16th.

I did NOT at any point have access to the tumblr page. I have NO idea if anyone sent messages to that page, I have NO way to find that out. (I can only assume any frustrated messages were sent there. Only two people asked about the status of the zine via Twitter.)

Not sure who follows my main but life kind of exploded for me (repeatedly) and I was briefly homeless (again) in January and then was living in a hotel. That said, now everything is settled and our house is continuing in the repair process. We finally got our flood insurance payout from fucking 2012, yayyyy!!

I just got back from Australia for an anniversary trip my girlfriend planned and paid to have me flown to the other side of the planet for.

In regards to my other activities unrelated to the zine, please don’t hassle me about posting a few fics that took me a handful of hours. That's what I do in my sparing PERSONAL time and I have been told EXPLICITLY to continue to do that by my therapist, thank you. I feel plenty of nausea, guilt, and fear every time I post a fic when I have a project outstanding like this but I have been told to not stop doing it. I have posted a grand total of 15,736 recreational words over the last 3.5 months, AKA roughly 15 hours recreational writing time total over the last 3.5 months, AKA an average of 150 words per day broken over the last 100 days. And, again, I’m told to do it by my therapist.

I’d like to share with you guys how much time has been invested in this project:

I've literally been working on this SOLO in terms of formatting.

It took repeated hasslings of Ali to get most of the project pieces.

Once I finally gained access to the email account, I had to download each and every fic and art piece individually. Most of them were not attributed correctly. Almost nobody indicated which pieces were meant to be printed and which pieces were meant to be PDF-only.

Fics:

About half of the fics had to be honestly ripped apart to their bones just to fix and render uniform and readable the formatting because they were submitted as PDFs (note to authors, submit doc files) or with very weird spacing. I’ve seen how AWFUL zines can look when all the fics are haphazard formatting and spacing and it’s not something that anyone ever likes to receive or to see their work as part of.

Several of these fics don’t even have titles (note to authors: please name your fics).

More recently, I recruited my very damn patient girlfriend (who literally bought one of these things) to help me with the fic formatting issue. She has helped me wade through 40,000 words for both formatting and LIGHT beta editing.

40,000 words of fic are in this project. That is literally the length of a damn novel. This is a fucking BOOK.

Editors, professional editors, take MONTHS to go through the edits on something of this length, and that’s when those manuscripts ARE submitted at something vaguely resembling a uniform format. This project… is not. Aphelion utilized an entire team of writers to edit, format, and beta, and it still took several weeks. I was one of those people.

Not to call anyone out, but one fic literally had double or triple spaces between every WORD, not every sentence, every single word, like this. It was 4,000 spaces. Why? W h y. There were still additional spaces that had to be removed BY HAND. (Spacing here is intentional to make a point.)

Every fic also had to be read to check whether it was a SFW or NSFW piece because nobody actually marked their work. If a NSFW piece accidentally got dropped into the SFW zine version, that could be a big fucking problem.

Art:

I had to track down a copy of SAI to get those files converted that were submitted as SAI.

My photoshop corrupted itself so I spent about eight hours scrubbing it off my system and getting it back on.

The art pieces were submitted at TWENTY different dimensions, Only six art pieces were submitted at the advertised 5.5” x 8.5” dimensions of the zine at 300dpi. Another handful were submitted at the right ratio but just the wrong size.

Like, I get it, the submission guidelines were shaky at best but I’m the one who’s been trying to wade through all of this to get it uniform.

This has been a LARGE number of hours investment.

Contributor Updates:

The credits doc was sent out to contributors. They have until 02 April, 2019 at 11:59PM EST to submit any corrections to their credits.

I apologize for the radio silence, but the project Ali landed on me was a god damned CLUSTERFUCK and I have been doing a lot of work on the back end trying to pull this out of the flaming dumpster they tossed it in because I believed in the project, especially in light of everything that has happened in the fandom and it has given me nothing but stress. But I really wanted this zine in my physical hands. I still do. More updates on that below.

So as of some time in the last few weeks, Ali has quite honestly cut and run. It looks like they nuked their instagram, nuked their tumblr (hence the zine tumblr disappearing bc they were the only mod on it), and nuked their twitter, and left me holding the bag on this shit. BUT GUESS WHAT, I’M STILL HERE.

Also, in case y’all were wondering about Ali’s Voltron Calendar project? I literally have one. It’s on my wall. They gave it to me in August when I was in Florida for a con and they promised me to my face that they would get me the information I needed for Spectrum. It was just one of the many times they promised to get me the things I needed and that one was to my face. So to anyone who never got their calendar? They had some number of them printed and then never did anything with them which is somehow worse. I don’t know how many they had printed but I literally have one of these forbidden calendars and they told me they were going to start shipping that week which obviously never happened. So that kind of shows Ali’s follow-through.

It is PAINFULLY obvious that Ali never ran a zine before Spectrum due to a NUMBER of points: Lack of organization, lack of consistent formatting, horrible method for final submissions, underpriced zine and bundle pricing, underpriced shipping pricing (even before the pricing hike), contributor count, contributor discount amount given the zine size, writer max word counts, merch quantity per bundle. Literally, we had two people submit final charm designs when we only have one charm listed on the damned bundle so that’s cool.

I couldn’t even tell how BIG the zine was going to be until many, MANY hours were invested into this project. First, there was the countless hours spent downloading one piece at a time and wading through back and forth emails and trying to make sure no one’s submissions got lost which meant basically going through every piece of correspondence individually. Then, there was cross referencing all of that against the emails and the contributor names. Then, it took getting all of the fic into one file and hours upon hours of wading through and formatting and reformatting and recruiting my girlfriend to help to even get to the point where we could see what final page count we were looking at for fic. Then, there was figuring out how long of an index a project with this many contributors would need and how many pages that would take.

I have reached out to several manufacturers regarding zine and merch pricing and what we can do to get those affordably done. This zine is VERY FUCKING THICK and I AM concerned about pricing, for both the printed zine and for merch. If anyone has any affordable manufacturers you have worked with before, I would be happy to hear from you!

Currently, here’s where we stand:

My investment:

Too Fucking Much Time

A few years off my life

A bucket of tears

I think I’m going to follow in Shiro’s white-haired footsteps from this

Seriously, do I have more wrinkles? I can’t tell.

A lot of love.

Orders:

There are 79 total orders

There are 06 PDF-only orders

There are 18 Print+PDF orders

There are 55 Merch+Print+PDF orders

There have been 5 refunds issued

Contributors make up 28 orders.

Non-contributors make up 51 orders.

Content:

The fics total out to 43,000 words. That's a fucking lot. That's over a hundred pages of FIC, before the artists.

There are 50 pages of art.

The zine is currently 126 pages. I’m fucking with formatting to try to shrink it. That's a big, thick, HEAVY fucking book.Yes, some of this is PDF-only and I am still in the process of tracking down which is which, but it is still a large book.

Finances:

The zine was priced at $7.50 for those who used contributor codes.

The cheapest print edition I can source for the zine currently because of the page count is roughly $7.50 per zine. This is why I am SEEKING SUPPLIERS who can bring in a lesser quote for an 8.5 x 5.5 126 page zine.

If the zine costs $7.50/per to print and contributors paid $7.50/per, this means EVERY contributor copy is an AT-COST copy. Not to mention shipping.

The bundle was priced at $13.50 for those who used contributor codes. This has to include the $7.50 zine. That leaves $6.50 for the bundle merch which I have currently priced around $9. That means $2.50 of every contributor bundle has to come from the zine budget.

International shipping was priced at $7.00 for the zine-only and $12.00 for the bundle. This may be feasible for zine-only orders but bundles will need a shipping supplement to come from somewhere.

At this time, I am proposing:

Creators have until 02 April, 2019 to update credits.

A rough final draft will be released to creators by 8 April, 2019.

Any major corrections to works will be submitted by 14 April, 2019.

Then I move on to handling the orders. For which I propose the following first steps:

Everyone who ordered a copy will receive the PDF edition of Spectrum on or about 28 April, 2019. Refunds will NOT be given for that first $10 per order that is the PDF price so that we can actually manage to donate SOME fucking money for how much work has been put into this zine and to make sure we can pay the print costs for those persons who want a physical copy.

As a Thank You for your patience, everyone who ordered (and contributors) will also receive a bonus mini-PDF of additional zine-exclusive content not posted anywhere else (SFW or NSFW version, to match the order).

Assuming none of the item productions are cost prohibitive, the following will be how the physical portion of the project is handled:

USA people who ordered Print+PDF will receive their PDF and be given the option of:

Option USPrint1 (Default option): Receipt of their printed zine as planned at no additional cost. Customers will have TWO WEEKS from the date of the PDF-containing email to update any addresses as needed.

Option USPrint2: Donation of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($5.00 print + $5.00 shipping). Again, customers will have 2 WEEKS to select this option via email.

Option USPrint3: Refund of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($10.00 minus any applicable PayPal fees). Again, customers will have 2 WEEKS to select this option via email.

International people who ordered Print+PDF will receive their PDF and be given the option of:

Option IntPrint1 (Default option): Donation of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($5.00 print + $7.00 shipping = $12.00). Customers will have FOUR WEEKS from the date of the PDF-containing email to select a different option.

Option IntPrint2: Payment of an international shipping supplement (est $10.00) and receipt of their print zine as planned. Again, customers will have 4 WEEKS to select this option via email.

Option IntPrint3: Refund of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($12.00 minus any applicable PayPal fees). Again, customers will have 4 WEEKS to select this option via email.

USA people who ordered Merch+Print+PDF will receive their PDF and be given the option of:

Option USBun1 (Default Option): Receipt of their bundle as planned at no additional cost. Customers will have TWO WEEKS from the date of the PDF-containing email to update any addresses as needed.

Option USBun2: Donation of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($17.00 bundle + $7.00 shipping). Again, customers will have 2 WEEKS to select this option via email.

Option USBun4: Refund of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($10.00 minus any applicable PayPal fees). Again, customers will have 2 WEEKS to select this option via email.

International people who ordered Merch+Print+PDF will receive their PDF and be given the option of:

Option IntBun1 (Default Option): Donation of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($17.00 bundle + $12.00 shipping = $29.00). Customers will have FOUR WEEKS from the date of the PDF-containing email to select a different option.

Option IntBun2: Payment of an international shipping supplement (est $10.00) and receipt of their bundle as planned. Again, customers will have 4 WEEKS to select this option via email.

Option IntBun3: Refund of the additional funds beyond the PDF price ($29.00 minus any applicable PayPal fees). Again, customers will have 4 WEEKS to select this option via email.

By following this plan, I hope we can maximize the number of people who can select an option they can be happy with!

If production or shipping of any of this proves to be cost prohibitive once final quotes are in place, options will be adjusted accordingly.

If y’all have any questions please feel free to message either the tumblr or twitter.

Thank you for all your time and continued patience. We look forward to bringing this project to completion.

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