#even with all the general life stress I've been under lately

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

just passed midnight, I'm officially 29

I always told myself I'd have my shit together by the time I was 30

I'm not even there yet and I have a stable job that's super flexible with great workplace vibes

FINALLY moved out of my parents place again and am renting a room from a friend who actually OWNS a house! (co owned with their parents who live upstairs and are also very lovely and invite me to their trivia nights!) so I got to put up gorgeous wallpaper and hang whatever I want up on the walls with as many nails or sticky hooks as I need

my medication game has been strong, my chronic pain flare ups settle down again faster than they ever have

I'm finally seeing a therapist who specialises in autism so she actually understands me!

AND I have a BABY NEPHEW which is all kinds of exciting!!

I had a LOT of ups and downs this past year but I think I can confidently say there's finally been more ups than downs

I am GETTING 👏 MY 👏 SHIT 👏 TOGETHER 👏

[immortalmsmoon]

BSD General Headcanons

ADA VERSION

I've been really into BSD as of late cus i had to rewatch it with my friend :3 GUYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER TO COME OUT

all requests are welcome!!! please read my rules first though, they were recently updated!

wordcount: 1198

Atsushi

Always tired, and it's pretty damn obvious. Has prominent eye bags, and he’s always huffing and sighing. 

Has a nice singing voice. It's really clear and soft, and is nice to sleep to. 

Hates reading, and isn’t very good at it. He only got to learn the basics at the orphanage. Reading reminds him of the orphanage anyways, so it’s not something he’s very fond of. 

Likes to cook with kyoka, and they usually practise once a week. Sometimes, if they make a lot of whatever they were cooking or baking, they bring some to the agency to share. 

One of those people who is loud with the people he trusts and quiet with people he doesn’t know well.

VERY VERY oblivious. To the point that most jokes go RIGHT over his head. Ranpo likes to tease him about it, and when he does, Atsushi gets confused about it. 

“WDYM I'm oblivious? Wdym that was a joke? What?” 

Dazai

So silly

Puts sauce packets on the toilet seats FREQUENTLY. Like once a week. The agency members have learned to start checking under the toilet seats, and even though no one falls for it anymore (except maybe atsushi) he still does it. 

When he hears anyone talk about food he does one of two things: BEGS the person to give him some sort of food, and harasses/threatens them until they do, or orders food and proceeds to eat it right in front of the person, while making loud obnoxious comments on how good it is. If ANYONE asks for ANY he is rude as hell to them, and continues to silently glare at them while he eats.

Makes songs out of EVERYTHING. If someone stubs their toe, he’s singing about it. Someone dropped all their paperwork all over the lounge? He stands by and obnoxiously sings about the incident instead of helping. 

Occasionally, when he sees that Kunikida is under a lot of stress or pressure, he will do his paperwork. It's still a couple days late, but he does it. And sometimes he does some cleaning around the agency. 

Kunikida

Also loud and obnoxious, but in a different way. 

CONSTANTLY stressing about stuff he doesn’t need to. People tell him to calm down but he never listens. 

Has a #1 DAD mug that Dazai gave him when he got employee of the month.

Outside of work he enjoys drawing, but he rarely does it because of the tight schedule that is his life. 

Has a soft spot for Atsushi, and has a sort of paternal relationship with him.. Sometimes if Atsushi begs, he’ll deter from his schedule and spend some time with him. Sometimes they go out for a walk, or they set up activities for the agency to go do as a group. 

Ranpo

Hides in the agency bathroom like a highschooler, and plays games on his phone when he doesn’t want to do work, and doesn’t want to deal with people. 

Spends a lot of time on the roof of the agency. Sometimes he brings some headphones and listens to some music, sometimes he just watches the clouds. His favourite is when the day is kind of windy, but just enough that it's a light breeze. 

His favourite thing to do with the agency is board game night, and they meet up and do it about twice a month. He mainly likes it because he wins, but also just because he gets a little lonely sometimes living by himself. 

When he’s tired he gets kind of delirious ....you know when you stay up so late that everythings funny? That's him, but like 4 out of 5 days a week. 

Brings two bags a day to work: one filled with snacks, one filled with drinks. 

Kyoka

Only really talks with Kenji and Atsushi

Admires Yosano and despises Dazai

Prepares coffee or tea for everyone in the morning, and knows exactly how everyone likes it. 

Is actually TERRIBLE at cooking, so when she and Atsushi do it, he usually does most of the actual cooking. She is better at reading the recipe than him though.

A couple times throughout the year, she will try different hairstyles. She's completely against cutting it off, but not against learning some really complex braids. She's a quick learner, so it never takes her long. 

On the topic of hair, Atsushi likes to mess around with hers sometimes, and usually just brushes it because he can’t actually do much else without knotting it. 

She absolutely loves to go see fireworks with the Agency, because it was something she didn’t really get to do when she was younger. She sees the agency as her family, as weird as everyone is, and moments like that help her feel more connected to them

Her favourite member of the agency to spend time with one on one is Kenji, because they get along really well. He talks quite a bit, and she likes to listen, but he also knows when to be quiet. They go on walks a lot. 

Kenji

Has a garden on the roof of the agency

Him and Dazai tried to convince Fukuzawa to let them get a pet for the agency. They got a cat that dazai picked up off the streets, and no less than a week later, they had to get rid of it because it was diseased. 

Brings wounded birds to the agency frequently, which drives Kunikida off the walls, and he fixes them up on his desk. 

His desk is slightly smaller than most of the other agency members, and it has three drawers: the first one is full of stuff for any animal he may come across. Little bandages and medical supplies for animals, treats, even little things he can use to make a bed out of. The second drawer has his paperwork in it, and his pens and what not. The third drawer is full of a whole bunch of microwaveable meals

Adding on to the drawer of microwavable meals, Kenji hates to snack, because it never fills him up. He prefers to just eat a whole meal instead of eating something small, but sometimes he will if he has to. He also prefers savoury food over sweet food, but doesn’t mind some sweet stuff sometimes. 

Yosano

Gets along with basically all of the members of the agency

Dazai and her do wine tastings once a month. It usually ends with them just getting drunk

Helps Kenji with any wounded animals he brings in, and gives him tips and pointers on how to help them.

Her and Ranpo gossip A LOT, about literally anything they can get their hands on. They judge people A LOT. 

“This girl asked me out yesterday. The one from the cafe. She's ugly, no offence.” “EWW YESSS”

Forces Atsushi to come shopping with her, and forces him to hold all of her bags. She usually brings Ranpo or Dazai with her as well, and asks them for their opinions on the things she buys.

Sucks at cooking, so usually buys food from a convenience store for lunches and dinners.

Also one of the few agency members who doesn’t mind working late.

[fast-moon]

I'm 30 years late, but...

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine originally aired when I was 10 years old. I loved Next Generation when I was a kid, so I gave DS9 a try back then... and immediately grew bored of it. They weren't going to new planets or having space battles, they were just sitting around in one place discussing space politics, and there wasn't even anyone funny like Data to hold my attention. So, I stopped watching after a couple episodes.

But, since I keep hearing it ended up being the best Trek seres, I've decided to go ahead and give it a full watch-through. Maybe now that I'm 40 and have more life experience under my belt, I can appreciate it more.

Turns out I do! I've finished the first season, so I'll give a run-down of what I thought of the S1 episodes below the cut:

1-2. Emissary: All right, I actually understand the premise this time which completely went over my head as a kid. The Bajorans were under Cardassian occupation for decades, the Federation showed up and drove them out, now the Federation is in control of the Cardassian space station DS9 to help the Bajorans rebuild and return to self-governance. But wait! Turns out there's a wormhole that goes to the other side of the galaxy here and it's suddenly become prime space real-estate! And the wormhole is inhabited by... mysterious non-temporal entities that spit out a magic orbs from time to time and the Bajorans worship them as prophets.

3. Past Prologue: Garak is queer-coded like whoa and gives Bashir a taste of his own medicine about not respecting boundaries. Is also possibly like a quadruple-agent. And tailors a fine suit. Also, Kira got a haircut. There's rats on spaceships?! Oh, that's just Odo. Okay. Still, the fact that he considered that a convincing disguise means there's rats on spaceships?!

4. A Man Alone: A guy backstabs himself and blames Odo for it.

5. Babel: Poor overworked O'Brien gets so stressed out he starts speaking in tongues. Then it turns out it's contagious. And it turns out that it's because someone sabotaged the station decades ago with a dyslexia virus and then just kind of forgot about it.

6. Captive Pursuit: This actually touches on a moral question I'd been wondering about if we ever end up with sentient AI: If something is bred/programmed to like being oppressed, is it more moral to remove it from its oppression even if that makes it miserable, or to return it to its oppression if that's what makes it happy? This episode chose the latter.

7. Q-Less: A surprisingly boring Q-centric episode whose only shenanigans involved a space stingray Vash was trying to sell off. Q really does miss Picard.

8. Dax: Oh, another philosophical thought-experiment: If you committed a crime and then get reincarnated in a traceable manner and retain all the memories of your previous incarnation, can your current incarnation be held liable for your previous incarnation's actions? This episode decides it doesn't want to answer this because she's not guilty, anyway.

9. The Passenger: Bashir becomes even more insufferable and nobody notices.

10. Move Along Home: Samurai hippies come through the wormhole and demand everyone LARP with them whether they like it or not.

11. The Nagus: Quark falls victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war with Asia". But only slightly less well-known is this: "Never get involved with a Ferengi when profit is on the line".

12. Vortex: So... Odo just lets a guy get away with murder because he has a sob story and claimed he knew others of his kind? Just because he was wanted unjustly on his home planet does not change the fact that he murdered a guy for hire. Also, Odo can get knocked out by a rock?

13. Battle Lines: Remember that "Great Divide" episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender that everyone hated? No reason.

14. The Storyteller: O'Brien goes down to Bajor to fix the pipes, becomes God.

15. Progress: Kira has to go convince a Boomer to leave his land because they need the resources to rebuild the planet, but he's all "I got mine, screw them." She humors his sexist behavior all episode, then burns his house down.

16. If Wishes Were Horses: Bashir wishes for his own personal side-piece Dax, and real Dax is weirdly okay with this because "boys will be boys". The conflict in this episode is literally solved by thinking happy thoughts.

17. The Forsaken: Odo gets sexually harassed so reports it to HR who just laughs him off because they think it would be good for him to get laid. Then he gets stuck in an elevator with his stalker and it's revealed just how physically strenuous it is for him to maintain his human form all day, and yet he has never been afforded any accommodations beyond a bucket to sleep in. This poor space slime, no wonder he's always so grumpy. #JusticeForOdo

18. Dramatis Personae: TNG's "The Inner Light", but stupid. Once again Odo has to save the day because he's immune to the humanoid crazypox that seems to infect the station every half-dozen episodes, and yet they still just can't find it in their effects budget to adjust station operations enough to allow him the minimal comfort of not having to contort himself into human form every day until he collapses just to do his job.

19. Duet: I am a sucker for "Did the janitors on the Death Star deserve to die?" sorts of moral discussions, and this episode delivered that very well. Also, I'm in lesbians with Kira.

20. In the Hands of the Prophets: Lady who doesn't even have kids at the school nevertheless takes issue that the children aren't being taught in accordance to her religious beliefs. It's been 30 years since this came out and nothing changes.

All in all, a decent season 1. It does show its age in places, especially in its treatment of female characters, and being written before the internet and smartphones caused seismic cultural shifts that its vision of the future failed to take into account. But still, I'm liking it now that I actually understand what's going on. On to season 2!

[weirdmai]

doodles from today <3 (comfort doodles cough cough)

okay so uh, if you don't mind, I'll write out some stuff under the cut (something short, you can skip it, it's okay. It's just something I've been feeling lately and, I dunno, I felt like talking 'bout it lol)

Well, so, I started high school/preparatory school and, wow, it is kinda stressful honestly. Overall because I want to get good grades and I'm worried of not getting the future I want

And if I'm honest with you, as silly as it may sound, mp100 has helped me get through it; just like last year in 9th grade, and in general. This silly show has helped me through so much, and made me want to become a better person, give my effort in everything, and I can't thank it enough

All characters are so lovely and comforting, and the story itself is as well. Ahh, I can't really express how thankful I am that mp100 exists and people capable of sharing such warming stories are too

And, of course, I'm also really thankful to the people in my life. I'm so glad to have them and to know that I can count on them whenever I'm feeling down, they're my motivation to keep going as well

As I may have been feeling so much stressful and negative feelings in general lately, at the same time I've also thought about so many things and people that make me happy and feel warm and thankful to be alive.

Life, there's only one, and, as much as we want to succeed and accomplish certain things, we also have to take care of ourselves and remind us to enjoy the moment and the mere fact that, we're alive; we're breathing; we're in this beautiful planet with beautiful people in it too. Your existence alone has caused such a beautiful impact as well in other people's lives, and I think that the thing that counts the most is that, you're still alive, and that's amazing by itself

It's so hard to keep going and yet, there you are. Here we are all

I'm grateful to be here, to have the friends that I have, to be the person I am today, being capable of creating art that makes me happy and can make other people happy too. I'm so, so glad

If you went all the way down here, I hope some words I said made you feel slightly better in case you were feeling down (it is also a reminder to myself lol)

And, remember, it will all be okay. Even if it doesnt look like it, everything has a solution, and it will turn out well

Keep taking care of yourself and give your best in everything!! All efforts count!!

Remember; you're loved, you're appreciated, and I'm sure the people close to you feel proud of you

Have a good day everyone. Live your life as you want because, well, your life is your own, right?

(mai out)

[mageofseven]

Okay first off, I wanna say sorry for how long it took me to get to this! I had intended to get to this quickly, but I got too focused and inspired with my ship series' I've been writing.

Better late than never though, right? 😅

Reminder for others that this continues off of this post. Since that post is from a point before I started writing for Mephisto, sadly my sweet noble tsundere won't be in here.

Now let's get started~

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Okay so I would like to start by organizing these men into their roles. Those who hovered, those who didn't but still were actively by her side and taking cave of her, those who took care of the pregnancy related issues not directly attached to MC's being (scheduling doctors appointments, paying bills, retrieving any med or vitamins she needs, etc.), those who heavily carried her via emotional support, those who accidentally would make her feel worse, and those who had a way of making her destress as if nothing has changed, maybe some others if I think of more as I go.

After this, I will continue with the story of her pregnancy and how the men discover and react tor her carrying multiples. Unlike most of my pregnant MC stories though, I'm not going to give her some huge risk in this one. She...well, the poor woman is already under enough stress as it is 😅

~

The Major Hoverers:

Lucifer- No surprise here. This man is...well, he is stressed and anxious in general, but to see his love so anxious and in low spirits while knowing he himself might be a dad once more in the coming months...it's just a lot for this poor man. Does his very best to make sure nothing goes wrong and that MC is as comfort and healthy as possible.

Mammon- This dude is fucking terrified of screwing this up. He doesn't know if this is his kid or not and at this point, he can't let himself even think about it or he'll just get even more nervous. Right now, his Human is the priority and he's gotta take care of her--and try not to fuck up in the process.

Active Caretakers, but They Chill:

Simeon: Even once it finally occurs to this man that this child could be genetically his, he doesn't freak out; he simply doubles down. His Feather doesn't need him bringing her more anxiety after all.

Asmo: This sweet man is constantly giving her massages and whispering sweet words in her ears. Yes, his poor Dolly is very achy and emotional from the pregnancy, but he does his very best to make it easier on her!

Beel: Regardless of what he's eating or how much he has left, he will always offer some of his food to her. He can also often be found with his hand on her belly in some fashion, especially when she is the most upset. MC loves the feeling of having at least one of his big hands on her belly because it makes her feel so comforted and safe.

Satan: Unsurprisingly, this man was constantly reading pregnancy books to try and understand what her body was going through and what he could to make things easier on her. He would also read aloud to her any book she wished as a way of distracting her from the stress of it all.

Belphie: This man...he has glue himself to this woman out of a strong mixture of love and obligation. Yes, he hates every single thing about this situation, but this man has a moral debt to the love of his life because of the night he murdered her so you can bet your ass he's staying by her side, forgoing naps (that she doesn't join him for), and is doing anything she needs him to do.

Barbatos: This man barely makes it onto this list because he has an actual time intensive job to attend to, but he is so determined to be by his Dear's side that he makes it work. Barb has such a calming influence on MC and it seems that just by him showing up, whatever was upsetting her or whatever problem arose was suddenly not so bad because she knew Barb could fix things.

Handlers of the More 'Covert' Pregnancy Issues:

Diavolo: He paid for everything; literally everything. This man felt so guilty that he couldn't be with MC as much as he wanted to be. He visited as much as possible, but in truth, he wished desperately that he could be up on the list of Active Caretakers. Being a prince and the work load that comes with it acts as a barrier to this though so the best he can do for his sweet Queen is to shoulder the financial side of this pregnancy. Doctors appointments. Medications. Any tests she needs done. He makes sure they are all paid for and she doesn't need to worry about a thing in this regard. Also buys the bulk of the baby things. The clothes, the furniture, the toys. He went a bit over board, but the look on MC's face made it all worth it. She cried thick happy tears because her baby already has more than she ever had as a child and so it made her feel more secure about her child's future.

Barbatos: This man handles the scheduling of her doctor appointments and is usually the one the one to bring her to them. Some how makes sure she is never late no matter how the day originally goes or what bad luck my strike that day.

Lucifer: Is next in line to bring MC to her doctor appointments if Barb isn't available to. Tends to ask the doctor a million and one questions and wants copies of the doctor's notes on MC and the baby to go through during his limited free time. Also insists on being the one to pick up her meds and be the one to give them to her each day. Those vitamins are important, MC, and he needs to make sure you take them.

Emotional Support Supermen:

Simeon: Are you even surprised? This has been his role since the very moment he sensed the baby and he's not giving it up as long as his poor lamb needs him.

Asmo: The king of making others feel loved and important. MC is in good hands.

Solomon: Would love to be listed as an Active Caretaker of his sweet little Minx, but the others, most of the brothers to more specific, seem to resent it if he even tries to help out too much and so he tends to stick to the sidelines. Still, he always has a kind word ready and a new perspective to offer when needed. Soli is definitely a person to call when MC gets too overwhelmed and becomes too focused on a bad possibility.

Those Who Stress Her Out:

Leviathan: This man spend most of her pregnancy hiding from her; he takes it all really hard. In truth, he makes it up to her later after the birth, but for now, he hides away in his room like he does when anything scares him and MC is terrified for months that she has lost him over this 😢

Belphie: Believe or not, most of the time he's fine. Despite his opinion of the situation or the fact that he doesn't like kids, he doesn't let any of that control him. It's MC who knows how he feels about all of this who sometimes gets overwhelmed with her fears and worries, usually resulting in her heavily sobbing about how he's going to leave her (because why not, it feels like Levi already has), but it always ends with Belphie holding her tight and swearing to her "I'm not going anywhere, Butthead."

Lucifer: He mostly does fine, but she hates when he comes to her appointments with her because it feels almost like he harasses the poor doctor. Yes, she knows he does it out of worry, but that poor doctor doesn't deserve such criticism.

Her 'Everything Is Normal' Peeps:

Solomon: Honestly, most of the other men make a big deal about her baby and the upcoming changes and in truth, they are a very big deal. However, sometimes it feels like they don't treat her like they used to. Instead of treating her like the person they've always known and love, they treat her like porcelain with a belly. Solomon doesn't. He treats her no differently during the pregnancy than he did before it to the point that some of the other man scold him for it, believing he is too reckless with the pregnant woman. MC appreciates it though and feels like he sees the woman behind the big belly.

Barbatos: Unlike Solomon, he gives MC a similiar feeling without being reckless. He will often take MC out of House of Lamentation to give her a break from the other men, but usually not far; often just to the back garden. The two would sit and talk about just about anything, except the child she carried that caused her back aches and the men inside to go insane about her. Giving her time to focus on other parts of life helped her feel more like a person again and less strangled by upcoming motherly responsibilities and for that, MC deeply appreciated her butler boyfriend.

The Sweetie that Comes with Sweets:

Of course I'm talking about sweet baby Lukey! He's going to be a big brother after all so how could he stay back and not help?

And in truth, he is a major help to MC emotionally. His presence alone makes her whole day better.

It's cute seeing his face as he learns different things about MC's changing body (nothing graphic, just things like how the baby starts out smaller than a pea and somehow grows to baby size and stretches her belly along the way. It blows his freaking mind lol)

The moment he first felt the baby kick inside MC's belly, part of him swore up and down it had to be a prank because how can a baby who hasn't even been born do that???

MC has a lot of sugar cravings during her pregnancy so this kind little baker makes her a lot of sweets.

Simeon ends up having to gently ask the two to cut back on the baked goods--gestational diabetes is a thing after all 😅

That's ok because Lukey is the sweetest part about her day after all 💕

Now with that that all sorted, let's move onto MC's experience during the pregnancy!

The Story:

It was a very stressful pregnancy for her

Starting the very moment Levi hid away from her after hearing the news about her baby.

Right away, she lost one man that she loved and it killed her.

It was a very hard start to the pregnancy.

Luckily, the other men broke through the shock and stayed by her side, determined to take care of her and her child regardless of whether the baby's genetics matched theirs or not.

During the first trimester, the morning sickness was brutal, but the men comforted her through it.

It was mainly Lucifer, Mammon, or Asmo with her in the bathroom though, holding her hair back and comforting her as she cried and begged for it to just end.

She often had a headache during and after the morning sickness so the poor woman was just miserable.

She was also constantly in a pretty lethargic state, but this wasn't something that stayed in the first trimester, but lasted the entire pregnancy.

It seemed like no matter how many hours of sleep she got at night or how many naps she took with Belphie during the day that she was always still so tired and it was very upsetting to the poor woman.

This paired with her hormones made the woman extra sensitive during her pregnancy; the smallest issues would have this poor woman balling about how everything is going wrong in her her life.

Yes, they are sorry you dropped your lemonade and Beely totally feels empathy for you, but your world is not ending and these lovely men will get you another glass, okay?

To make matters worse, it didn't take long at all in her pregnancy for her boyfriends to notice that her belly was growing at a somewhat alarming rate.

Luckily, Diavolo and Barbatos already got her scheduled for her first appointment at the obgyn.

That was the appointment where MC learnt the truth--that she was having triplets.

The poor human sobbed. Triplets.

One baby was a lot of work and stressful enough but three? How were the other men going to react to three babies?

Barb gently shushed her and rubbed her back.

Yes, even he found this news surprising, but believed it ultimately changed nothing; he was going to stand by his sweet pet's side and if the remaining men have anything resembling a spine then they will do the same.

Poor MC was literally shaking when she came home and had to tell the others about the babies.

Lucifer and Mammon were scared shitless, but more devoted to this woman than ever.

Satan and Belphie were internally groaning, but keeping themselves in check.

Asmo and Simeon became anxious, but wasted no time in comforting her and trying to raise her positivity.

Diavolo and Beel were genuinely excited at this news and couldn't keep their hands or lips off of her for a good minute or two, which was good because it brought MC from near tears to a little laughing fit. Those men oozed positivity and to them, her carrying more babies was the best news ever.

Barb and Solomon just smiled comfortingly at their love. Neither was scared or anxious nor were they overly excited. They were merely assured that regardless of how many babies she carried, everything would work out well. It was just like Solomon said the day MC announced her pregnancy: it takes a village to raise a baby and she has quite an impressive village before her.

One thing MC didn't realize when she made this announcement though was that the question of the pregnancy changed, or rather, the form of the question changed from single to multiple choice.

To be more clear, the question changed from "Who is the baby daddy?" To "Who are the baby daddies?"

Every man in the room knew this, but MC did not.

In the Devildom, it is more common for multiples to be the results of from different second parents than all from the same. Like, you can have twin and triplets with the same father, but it is much more rare compared to each baby having a different father

With this news in mind, all of the men worked harder to take care of the sweet, worried human.

Her pregnancy progressed, her belly stretched, her body was in a lot of pain from the growth and extra weight.

Heck, for the last two months, poor MC was mainly on bedrest and carried around when she wanted to changed rooms (she's been carried by all of the guys at least once, but Beel was always the most eager to carry her.

When the day of the birth came, the exhausted and achy woman was both eager for it and dreading it.

She wanted them out and out now, but dear devil, she knew pushing out three babies was gonna take a lot out of her.

The contractions started mid morning, causing Lucifer call Diavolo and the others against her wishes.

The contractions were minor now. She was no where near labor for now so it simply didn't seem right to frighten the non-HoL men into coming over when it will be literal hours just for her to start active labor.

Still, they rushed and the poor woman had even more men hovering her.

She's fine, the babies are fine, now let her watch TV in peace 🤦‍♀️

As a testiment to how fine she was in that moment, she even fell asleep against Diavolo's shoulder as they watched TV together.

However, it obviously didn't stay that way.

As the hours went by and the woman entered active labor, suddenly her tune was much different.

The pain was much harder, the contractions were much more consistent, and poor MC always needed to be gripping onto someone like her life depended on it.

Satan had read in a book that walking can help progress labor so each man took turns walking around the living room with the poor pained woman, stopping whenever she needed to.

Eventually, the pressure below became so severe, but her water still wasn't breaking. It had the labouring woman hysterically crying, refusing to make another step.

The men kept looking at each other, needing someone, anyone in the room to have an idea on how to help MC.

Satan bit his lip before stepping forward.

"I think I know what to do." He stated. "However, I need someone to get a stack of towels and we need to get MC to a bed."

Beel ran off to get the towels while Solomon, who currently had an arm wrapped around MC, scooped her in his arms since she refused to walk.

The group all headed to MC's room.

Soli laid her down gently, but MC gripped onto him tighter, refusing to let go.

The sorcerer whispered sweetly into her ear and kissed her cheek before the woman sniffled and slowly loosened her grip till he could step back from her and be replaced by Satan.

Beel came back just then and the blonde instructed him to lay a few of the towels on the floor by bed.

After that, Satan helped position MC at the edge of the bed and knelt in front of her.

"Okay, Kitten, I'm going to have to break your water--"

"Please!" She begged with every ounce of air in her lungs. "Please!"

With a guilty look in his eyes, the blonde did just that.

MC cried out as she felt her boyfriend slip his hand inside, only for her breath to hitch when she felt the water sack burst and the pressure dissipate.

The woman flung her head back in relief.

"Thank you..." She sobbed.

Despite her relief, poor Satan new from his books that he only helped her towards the most painful part.

MC had a minute or two of feeling okay and was able to catch up on her breathing before the contractions came back worse than before.

Immediately, Diavolo joined her on her left side, grabbing her hand and praising her, telling after months of waiting that it's finally happening.

Lucifer couldn't take it anymore. He joined her on her right and squeezed her hand, promising it will all be fine and they won't let anything happen to her.

Barbatos slips off his gloves and sets them aside before positioning himself between her legs, telling her to push with the contractions and focus breathing between them.

This went on for a while.

Breathe. Push. Breathe. Push. Breathe. Puuuuuush. Breathe.

Eventually, the human was crowning.

More pushing. The head was out revealing bright red hair, but small black spiral horns pointing straight up.

Barbatos raised an eyebrow at this, but the other men were too focused on the pain MC was in to notice what the butler saw as so strange.

After some more pushing, the first baby was pushed out into the butler's waiting arms.

"Solomon."

The sorcerer raised an eyebrow, but stepped forward and took the baby from the other man.

That's when he say it: the baby girl had Diavolo's red hair, Mammon's horns, and Lucifer's dark onyx eyes that reflected red light so well.

This is why they the butler entrusted the baby to him. The other men would only get confused and try asking questions at a point where MC was in no shape to hear them being asked.

Solomon turned away from the other men and grabbed a towel to clean off the newly born infant.

The other men were going to ask him about the newborn, but we're pulled back to their girlfriend by her cries of pain as the second one made its way down.

Honestly, the sorcerer was incredibly fascinated with this turn of events.

He finished cleaning the sweet girl off before kissing her forehead and gently laying her down in one of the cribs in the back of the room.

Meanwhile, the process was repeating though a bit quicker than before. This time, when the second baby crowned and revealed some of the hair on their head, the butler saw two colors.

Half the head filled with white and half the head filled with teal

...the same shade of teal as the ends of his hair.

Barbatos felt his heart beat quicken at this discovery, but he kept focused.

Once this second baby was able to slide out all the way, it was revealed that they also had a tail; a long black tail with a bright green tip.

Something Satan discovered right away.

The wrath demon intercepted the baby before Solomon could.

Instead of arguing this development, the butler simply accepted it.

"Please go clean her off and follow Solomon to the cribs." He said softly.

The blonde walked off with the baby, a confused look on his face.

He grabbed a towel and followed Solomon over to the the cribs.

It made no sense to him. This little girl had his tail yet share features of some of the other men. A mixture of Solomon and Barbatos' hair, Asmo's honey eyes.

What was going on?

Something clicked in his head however when he got a better look at the first baby in the crib, also a mix of three different men.

"A chiropteran conception?" He whispered to the sorcerer.

Soli smirked.

"Ah so you understand too, don't you?"

Satan stared down at his...daughter. well, not just his. Other than MC, he at minimum shared this little girl with the shady sorcerer in front of him, the butler between his girlfriend's legs, and the anxious lust demon in the crowd.

At most? Maybe every man here. They'll have to get these babies tested to see how far their genetic go, to see if it's a full of partial chiropteran conception. Either way, this will be an...interesting experience to say the least.

The blonde cleaned up his daughter and laid her in another crib as MC birthed the last baby, coming much, much quicker than the last two.

By the time the two men rejoined the group, the last baby was already born and in the butler's arms.

With it being the being the last baby and MC's pain being over, this was the first that the others truly focused on--and realized something was off with.

This baby was a little boy. What most of the people in the room found strange about about the child however was mixtures of features.

The dark blue-black hair with orange highlights, purple eyes, angel wings, a slightly dark skin tone and...well, he definitely took after Levi by having double the 'part' between his legs.

"I...what?" MC panted, staring down at her son, who gently cried down within the butler's arms.

Solomon handed Barb a towel, who gratefully took it and began cleaning up and the little boy in his arms.

"Beautiful, isn't he?" Solomon smiled at her. "I think all three of them are a beautiful mixture of us all."

MC laid their speechless as the sorcerer headed back towards the cribs, followed by Satan.

The sorcerer brought back the oldest daughter while the blonde brought back up the youngest daughter.

Dia raised his eyebrows.

"A chiropteran conception... fascinating."

While some of the men knew the term, most did not and MC most certainly didn't so the prince took the time to explain it to the group.

It was unclear at this point whether this was a the result of a full chiropteran conception (meaning all three babies carry the genetics of every single man in the room) or a partial chiropteran conception (each baby contains the genetics of the men whose genes they get their looks from). The latter is the most common when this many men are involved, but they will have to get the babies tested just in case.

At this explanation, MC was looking around at her boyfriends, looking for reassurance that everyone was okay with this

And sure enough, each man latched on like usual with sweet words and kisses, praises and reassurances.

In truth, this was a strange twist but no man present truly had an issue with it.

It will take some time to figure out what sort of dynamic the men should of adopt.

Also, Diavolo unfortunately has a lot of royal legal history to dig through to see what the laws say about chiropteran conceptions and heirs.

If this is a full conception than it doesn't really matter too much, but if it's a partial chiropteran conception then he worries his (and MC's and Lucifer's and Mammon's) daughter will be made to feel less than because of how she is biological will be bullied by the nobility. He would like her to be his heir less for the sake of having one but more to give her a social shield against the demonic elite.

The kids (in birth order):

Tatiana- a graceful and elegant but secretly sensitive and vengeful. Touch her siblings and you just might find a knife in your back. Sneaky, but even if she gets caught, she'll get away with it because she's spoiled and family comes first; her Daddies agree 100% 🥰

Selia- a very shy and emotional girl. Magical prodigy with Barbatos' future visions and Asmo's charming powers, two abilities she doesn't particularly even want. She's quiet and delicate, often found hiding behind her family or with her head down.

Milo- hyper, friendly, and troublesome (though never on purpose). This guy works off one superpowered braincell but once it's out of juice, so is he and he sleeps it off on the couch or in his room. He always have a kind word for everyone, but can be a bit naïve. Thinks fictions is perfect substitute for real life lessons and can be kinda slow to learn the true ones.

[lilianade-comics]

With your new portal shenanigans Cheesemelt AU, I'm now picturing the "You exist to serve ME!" scene, except it's mid-to-late in the story... and Dani's the one who says it.

By this point Vlad's bonded with Dani and is working to keep her safe instead of hurt her. She's trying to attempt something really dangerous that she's certain will bring her to Danny, Vlad's trying to stop her because he's certain it won't work and could end up with her badly hurt or a ghost herself. And Dani's stressed and desperate, snaps, and spits out the line, shocking and hurting Vlad but, even moreso, shocking and scaring herself. One of those "Oh god, what am I doing" moments.

All this results in her panicking, possibly breaking the binding on Vlad, and booking it, because she's twelve and panicking. Cue Vlad having to accept that he actually does care for her even without being forced to do what she says, track her down, and insist on helping her anyway. Maybe he makes some excuse like, "If you die here you'll definitely become a ghost and then I'll be stuck with you forever," but in that special Vlad way where it's super obvious that he's lying.

Anyway! Just- love the new AU, it gave me Thoughts (obviously), thanks for all the delicious Cheesemelt content you've been making! ^U^

Ahh, thank you for the ask! I love your thought process here. I've had a thematic moment in mind that's quite similar to this! But first, some additional important context for the AU in question:

Vlad is a widely disliked, smarmy, ambitious independent warlord/general vampiric nuisance in the political landscape of the ghost realm. He's been vying for the title of Ghost King for ages, trying to get Pariah Dark and his court out of the picture so he can take the throne. It is the BIGGEST POSSIBLE blow to his enormous ego that he got himself bound to the will of a little girl and is being paraded around like her manservant. So he's trying to trick her into releasing him, trying to be unhelpful, trying to be mean, trying to do ANYTHING to get out of the situation with his reputation intact. He figures out pretty quickly that her brother is none other than a certain infamous pain-in-the-neck ghost boy, and just grits his fangs because at least if he's stuck with Dani, he'll learn where Danny's hideout is and can set fire to it. But at the same time, he's low key getting emotionally attached to Danielle because Vlad has no friends and is desperately lonely and hungry for attention.

Dani has been raised to believe that ghosts are untrustworthy, tricky beings (similar to how the fae are perceived in folklore), and doesn't think twice about proactively magically binding the first ghost who approaches her. She needs Vlad to help her find Danny and lead them both out of the ghost realm, and then he can go back to whatever nefarious activities he likes. He's not allowed to hurt or betray her while under contract, so she's not really worried about him (although, she was really hesitant to discard the blood blossoms she brought along. They guaranteed no ghosts could grab her, but they also made it impossible for Vlad to fly her anywhere her feet couldn't take her, so she had to get rid of them!)

Now Danny himself. He was around three when he fell into the ghost realm through a spirit ring drawn by his parents. It's been ten years since then. The way the ghost realm works here is that if a living person spends too long in it, they WILL become a ghost, i.e. they die prematurely. Crucially, Danielle doesn't know this. So Danny is fully a ghost by this point, doesn't really remember much of his life, and is playing a Peter Pan/Robin Hood role alongside his band of fellow child ghosts Ember, Poindexter, Youngblood, and Cujo. They're regularly causing mayhem for the oppressors of the realm, which prominently includes Pariah Dark and Vlad (Danny isn't a fan of either of them, and Vlad truly isn't sure if he's more annoyed by Pariah or Danny).

So! When this disheveled human girl comes rocking up to his secret hideout and tries desperately to convince him that she's his long lost twin sister here to bring him home, part of him is tempted to at least hear her out, but the other part that's backed up by his crew just knows this reeks of a trap set up by one of his enemies to lure him somewhere. ("seems like something Plasmius would do," says Ember). He ultimately tells a heartbroken Danielle to get lost because he can't take the risk just because he's curious.

Now we arrive at Dani's lowest moment. Her brother is a ghost, he doesn't want anything to do with her, and her entire quest is crumbling around her. She staggers back to wherever Vlad was waiting for her (and he isn't surprised she came back empty handed. He was, after all, already familiar with Danny.) Dani then has a complete breakdown! Because she's a child stuck in a different reality and her brother is dead and Vlad didn't tell her that he already knew. Vlad feels a little guilty, but his ego won't let him admit this, so he argues with her instead. How could this foolish child have possibly thought her insane quest would succeed? The odds were always against her and she never should have even tried something so pointless and dangerous.

Dani throws some iteration of the "I hate you/you exist to serve me" lines at him, shocking herself and REALLY making Vlad feel bad, and then she releases him from the binding and elects to find some way to convince Danny to listen to her on her own. Vlad looks visibly upset but is like "Fine! That's exactly what I wanted in the FIRST PLACE, stupid girl"

Vlad is happy to be free, but his emotional attachment to Danielle won't let him abandon her no matter how much he wants to, because her wellbeing matters to him, bizarrely. So he takes matters into his own hands.

He surprise "attacks" Danielle in front of Danny and co, dangling her by her ankle from high in the air and launches into a natural villain monologue about how well this pathetic girl did leading him directly to Danny Phantom, and how he doesn't need her anymore, and "Oh, Daniel, can you believe that your own sister came to me thinking I would help her find you? Using her was so easy." and then he drops her so Danny can catch her.

A fight ensues, Vlad makes a swift and flashy exit, but not before exchanging a knowing glance with a shocked Dani, who now understands that Vlad just secured her Danny's goodwill in the only way he could; by being a villain.

There's more to this AU, but that's a pretty significant moment in it! Thank you for sending me your thoughts, I love when people interact with my silly AU ideas and come up with cool ideas for them!!! <3

[penncilkid]

Continuing on from this post, my thoughts on Sam/Milo as it pertains to Inversion + The Summit

[PK Inversion Brainrot part 241 (/j):]

-The idea that Milo losing his magic for a bit retriggering Sam is actually everything to me /lh

-I think Milo would be keeping himself busy as much as humanly possible, so much so that he can't notice the emotions clouding Sam's eyes from behind. I imagine a lot of late night drives taken by Sam once Milo goes to sleep for the night, not wanting to talk directly but wanting the space

-After he works through it enough though, it turns into him trying to figure out how to best help his mate. Should be keeping up the comfort and reassurance that this won't last? Or should be try and help prepare Milo for a life without shifting? (Doesn't end up mattering in the long run but still)

-Despite the fact that Sam was the one inside the ward, I firmly believe it's Milo's safety that he worries about most following that day. When Milo starts working security gigs again, Sam tries to suppress the urge to constantly check in and make sure Milo will be home that night. I could see him even asking other pack members because he doesn't want to stress Milo out with his anxieties (this would have to reach a boiling point at some point though and the convo would EAT I just know it /pos)

-Sam having an intensified appreciation for any time Milo chooses to shift in front of him after his core returns to normal

-Even though it would go against canon theoretically, I firmly believe Milo would half-jokingly start the "would you have turned me?" convo with Sam after his magic is back to normal. It's under the guise of "if my core had been fried for good... would you have offered that to me?" Maybe they leave it there, continue ignoring the larger elephant in the room, but I feel like they go hand in hand

-Sam having nightmares about things he witnessed in the ward but Milo was in other's place? Yeah /lh

///

[Onto the Summit]

-Fred and Bright (my versions at least) are dating by then and BOTH are in attendance in general, so that's already fun + the Quinn mentions would be even more fun with his progeny there

-I've also been analyzing heavily how I think Milo would feel towards Alexis and vice versa

-SH and Darlin are dating in the context of this ship, so it makes Porter approaching Darlin feel even jucier because he's also aware that Sam and Darlin are close in some regards + has heard about Darlin's reputation

-Bright and Lovely have a very close dynamic, this is more passive of a thought since I'm uniquely insane over my versions of them but I like the idea that Bright is dragging them around *cough cough* so they're not just made to be Vincent's arm candy the entire night instead *cough hack cough*

-Sam internally freaking out for a moment when the death takes place because he can't find Milo initially and he has flashbacks to Milo being outside the ward and him inside (<33)

-It also hit me that Milo and Porter would have met pre-Summit, oh BITCH I have things to think about /pos

-First off: *Milo Greer does not have a bone to pick with Alexis Solaire prior to this event.* In fact, he's mentioned to Sam on several occassions that "Hey, I get why you're upset with her/feel the way you do. But first off, you should talk to someone about it. And second, you don't even know what she's actually like after all this time given the cold shoulder y'all have both been giving each other. Just consider that, alright?" Like the idea that Milo would square up because she's "Sam's ex" feels ridiculous to me personally, they are both minding their business as far as things go before the Summit

-Second: Concocting with the help of Lexi Sun (<33), because of the idea that Marie is sympathetic towards Alexis from the perspective of a healer, Milo is also inclined to not hate her guts prior to everything. He knows she fucked up Sam way back before when, and he's got some thoughts about that, but it's not this seething anger or anything

-That. Being. Said. When it came to the Summit, I thought Darlin's reactions to Alexis' chat were kind out of character given their development as a listener for several reasons. So I was like "Well what would be the best way to have her poke and prod at things that's unique to Milo?" And then I remembered one of my favorite gut wrenching moments in "canon", which is Imp!Milo basically telling Asher that he is expendable in comparison because his emotions get the best of him and that he can "take the punches" for them and all that jazz.

-So picture it with me: Sure Alexis brings up the whole "you gonna get turned or not?" thing but what she presses against is whether or not Milo could adequately live up to being Sam's mate more or less. "He's the duke of the Solaire clan, he's got plenty of eyes on him and the reputation to match. And you're... what? The pup who runs behind his best friends who actually have a role in your pack? What is it that you can even offer Sam?" It gets under Milo's skin because at no point is she undermining Sam. She's not shit talking that man whatsoever, but she's perfectly sinking her nails into Milo's insecurities. Hell, she could be asking in a complex way of looking out for Sam after all these years, the effect is all the same. And in that context, it feels like it makes sense that Milo starts to lose his temper, very much so "watch ya fuckin' mouth" energy only to be met with Alexis saying something along the lines of "By all means, Mr. Greer. *Please* start shouting and get every pair of eyes on the two of us. I'm sure you'd be showing everyone how you're *such* a good representative for your pack." Like it's catty, it's petty, but she's also just stating her perspective as an external detached party. The problem is that it's stuff Milo's tried to push out of his head a million times.

[8-rae-rae-8]

Come back for me CH.1

A fanfic idea brought to me by an anon person who I love very much now

2.3k words

Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (2009), Canon-Typical Violence, Violence, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Mild Blood, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Age Regression Little Simon "Ghost" Riley, Age Regression Caregiver John "Soap" MacTavish, Captain John "Soap" MacTavish, rewritten ending of 09, Age Regression/De-Aging, pet regression pet regression pup Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Little Space, Age Regression, Caregiver John Price (Call of Duty), Shepherd is the worst, Gun Violence, Face Slapping, Mocking, Men Crying, Crying, Gaz is dead already remember, i didnt forget him, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

A hail of bullets aimed at them from every direction. Body screaming out to run, and only to fire at enemies he could see immediately. He couldn't hide to use his sniper skills. Too many out on the field, all aiming for a kill shot.

A boom got Ghost’s attention. Whipping his head around, Roach was lying on the ground. Exposed dirt under him. His breath picked up slightly as he bolted for his team member. In just a few seconds, he was there, pulling Roach along with him.

“I've got you, Roach, hang on!” He forced out. His arms wrapped around his front as he began to pull. Exfil was so close, they could get out.

Ghost shouted his visuals. Smoke in the treeline. But that was a reflex of being in the military so long. He had to get Roach out, that was what he was thinking. His mind even screaming it.

The sound of a gun so close had his mind frazzled for a moment. The gunfire was from Roach, Simon noticed. Though the tightness in his chest never ceased.

“Roach, hang in there!” He yelled, lungs burning with all the smoke and gunpowder. Simon's eyes kept darting down to Roach as he pulled him along. Impressions were left in the dirt, marking where they had been.

Roach went mostly limp. The goggles over his eyes made it hard to see if his eyes were open at all. Ghost breathed harshly as he pulled and pulled that dead weight.

“Come on! Get up, get up! We're almost there!” Simon shouted, pulling Roach up by his hand, with an arm around his back. The weak grip Simon got in return was only more stress inducing. The situation was bad enough. They just had to get close.

The sounds of their radios became mindless chatter in the background. Ghost held tightly onto the other, practically carrying him.

The plane landed, just so close to them. They kept walking, Ghost doing most of the work. Wounds would be assessed when they got back to base. Safety was so close.

They thought.

In the mouth of the plane, Shepherd was waiting for them.

“Do you have the DSM?” The General shouted, closing the space between them.

“We got it, sir!” Ghost returned.

A hand went to rest on Roach's shoulder, as the DSM was taken from him.

“Good, that's one less loose end.” Shepherd spoke. A nod was sent to the soldier next to them. One of Shepherd's men.

One less loose end. That had Ghost’s mind running.

In just a few seconds, the weapons both Roach and Ghost held were stripped away and their hands were secured behind their backs. As if they were the ones causing mass terror. Makarov was their target, so why were they being held like they were the problem?

“What the fuck!?” Ghost hissed as he tried to fight back. A revolver pressed to his temple in an instant. The fighting stopped.

Their comms clicked back to life.

“Ghost! Come in, this is Price! We are under attack at the boneyard!” The words were hard to manage under the panting of panic breaths he was trying to calm.

“Do not trust Shepherd, I say again, do not trust Shepherd!” Price shouted to them through comms. It was too late.

If it had been a minute sooner, they would have gotten out of there. Maybe not alive. But they would've made it out at the very least.

Shepherd clicked the radio, the one on Ghost's gear.

“Too late, boys.” Shepherd's voice crackled through the radio. Before he could get a response, the radio words were cut, both on Ghost’s equipment, and Roach's.

Effectively cutting off their contact completely.

“Goodnight, boys. Enjoy the ride home.” The headset over Ghost’s ears were pulled off, then his balaclava was pulled over his eyes.

Simon couldn't even see Roach's status. No words would come out when he tried to ask. Just panicked breaths

He was in the dark now. Completely.

The dark scared him.

The flight could've lasted hours or minutes. It all blended together. Or maybe he was knocked out at some point.

Either way, by the time the balaclava was moved enough to see, Ghost was somewhere else entirely. He didn't remember being picked up or moved at all.

There was a strong tired feeling waving over him, but it didn't feel the same as waking up and feeling sleepy. It felt dreadful. Painful. Like it was sinking into his bloodstream.

The mask was pulled off his head completely. His arms went to move, but he was still bound. Simon grunted as he tried to remove them from his wrists. But with Shepherd’s clearance level, he and to know Ghost was skilled in escaping these situations, so the rope wss ridiculously tight. Enough to leave burns if he fought against it. Even his ankles were bound, the rope was tied to his wrists behind his back.

It took but a second for life to hit him in the face again. Literally. A sharp hand, still holding the revolver hit against his bare face. The cold metal, then the harshness had him gasping for air while coughing.

“You boys-” Shepherd began.

Roach interrupted, his mask and goggles gone too. Rather than using words to communicate, he growled. Even with his hands bound, he managed to shuffle just close enough to be right in front of Ghost. Unlike Simon, his ankles weren't bound. He stood in front of Simon like a guard dog.

Despite his smaller frame, Roach had a bite. More bite than bark, truely.

“The fuck do you think you are?!” Shepherd raised his voice, with a darker tone.

But Roach lunged, refusing to be intimidated. Giving out bites to Shepherd like he was a dog, biting wherever he could reach.

Ghost saw it break skin. The shirt Shepherd wore was turning red at one bite mark.

A loud shout filled Ghost's ears, his head immediately turned downward. He didn't want to see it. Whatever would happen, he didn't want to see it.

Ghost could withstand it. He'd live through it, but his head throbbed and he felt so tired. From everything. This emotionally weighed down on him too. Where was Johnny?

His head stayed down.

Pain suddenly shocked through his system.

Blood oozed from his thigh.

A yelp followed, but not from himself. Simon's eyes widened as he registered the pain and stared at the fresh wound. A knife cut, long along his upper thigh. It was deep, but not as bad as he has experienced before.

Roach proceeded to be pushed harshly off of Shepherd harshly. Ghost could barely see it, but the thud gave it away.

It sounded painful.

“You're like a fucking mutt!” Shepherd shouted at Roach, holding him down by the head so he couldn't bite again.

A human bite could make Shepherd sick. Simon would bet money that Roach did it to protect him. But getting him sick would be a benefit.

Roach growled, a rumble deep in his chest. He pressed back against the hand, trying to threaten Shepherd.

Simon's eyes finally looked somewhere other than his leg, first looking at Roach. Blood was dripping down his skin. Shepherd's blood.

It didn't make him feel relieved like he hoped. Instead, it made him feel sick. This shouldn't be happening. If they just didn't split up, they wouldn't be hurt like this.

On top of the headache, he felt fuzzy. His brain felt foggy. And this was the worst possible place to feel like that.

If he could, he'd be curling in on himself. The ropes around his wrists, that tied his hands to his feet felt much constricting. He closed his eyes. The sight was too hard to see. Roach trying to protect him felt too much.

Too much and he didn't deserve it.

Simon tried to shuffle forward just a little, to release the tension on his shoulders, but it didn't help.

Tears slipped down his cheeks before he even registered they had filled his eyes.

Too much.

Too much.

Too much.

He ached. His muscles burned. His heart was tight in his chest.

He felt tiny. Pathetic and small.

The worst time to feel that way.

Shepherd was a man he was supposed to trust. And he trusted too easily this time around. He should've seen this coming, he'd been able to predict it with others before. But there were no signs. Nothing that Ghost noticed at least.

Ghost held his breath, and everything was quiet again. Just for a moment. He let his face get red, just holding his breath. If he was lucky, he'd pass out.

“The Ghost, crying, how pathetic.” Shepherd jeered. The focus turned back to him. And now it wasn't so quiet anymore.

The words forced Simon to take a breath. The redness fading ever so slightly. He tried to be scary. Teeth bared, his eyes sharp as he looked up. It just didn't have the same effect. Less effort behind it, and more fear.

It was scary. Just him and Roach.

And Roach looked like pure evil. The anger displayed on his face. Simon shivered as he saw it.

Roach barked. Damn similar to an actual dog. He was quickly back to protecting Simon. The only time his eyes softened were when he saw the way Ghost looked.

It must've been bad, judging how much Roach attempted to protect him.

But it shouldn't be Roach. It should be Johnny coming to protect him.

He wanted his bubba.

Shepherd's hand grasped at Simon's face, forcing him to look up. The skin tightened on his neck, being pulled to its limit. The hand on his chin felt like a violation in itself.

“What are you? A child?” Shepard hissed at him, mocking him.

Ghost averted his gaze, but was grabbed by his hair instead. He missed his mask. The one he could hide behind. He was for his team to see, not this monster.

“Get away from me-..” Simon managed to cough out. Blood was still collecting in the knees of his pants. Almost drenching them.

“You're stupid, Ghost, really. I'm not holding you here to hurt you… but I won't hesitate to.” And Ghost knew he'd make good on that. Shepherd wasn't the type to wait around like that.

Goosebumps rose on his skin. His gaze was hardly able to stay on Shepherd's face. It hurt too much.

“Now, we're going to call the captains. The two of you are going to behave, or you're going to be far worse off.” A threat. Ghost could pick that up. But he couldn't really hide the way he hoped that Mactavish could fix this.

He wanted to be home with his bubba again. To be held and told it would be okay.

Ghost was released from the firm hold on his face and hair. His head dropping back down, eyes only looking at the floor.

Again, Roach shuffled closer. Much more quiet than Simon could've been. He stood on his knees just a little in front of Simon. Guarding him. If he could, Simon would hide behind him.

The ropes hurt. Slowly, he felt his limbs going numb. But that was part of this. Keeping the most dangerous one in the room tied up. It was smart, because neither of them could do anything about it. Both too far gone in their headspaces.

It clicked for Simon why Roach was protecting him like a dog. He was also regressing. It made sense… In their most vulnerable times, of course it would happen. It was just their luck.

Roach struggled against the ties on his wrists, while Simon merely gave in to it. He didn't fight, he sat there, in that stress position he was put in. If he fought, it would only end up hurting worse.

Shepherd turned, backs to them as he approached a table. It was bolted to the ground, as if it was used regularly for activities far worse than this.

The more Simon paid attention, the worse (and smaller) he felt. His eyes squeezed shut. Wetness dripped down his cheeks. More and more tears. It took but a minute for his shoulders to start trembling, and his face to get a little red. He blinked open his eyes every few seconds, just to close them again.

Small whimpers came from Roach. He shuffled closer. That proximity only helped a tiny bit.

A glare was shot their way when the room wasn't completely silent. It was only an instinct for Roach to keep whining, quiet and soft. He was in distress, and so was Simon. This was all just distressing.

There were sounds of typing, Ghost noted. He turned his head upwards a little bit towards the screen of the laptop. Simon could make out people talking, it was quiet at first before it got real loud.

The laptop was angled at them, and Shepherd stepped back. Right to Ghost.

He reflectively flinched away. His entire body tensing up further.

“If either of you try anything, you'll never see your captains again.” Shepherd firmly told them. He had leaned down next to Ghost, cutting the ties at his ankles and wrists.

But he was immediately bound again with his hands in front instead. The same was done to Roach. He looked exhausted, bloodied just like Simon. But it was worse. From the explosion to the bullets he must've taken. Simon could hardly fathom how he was still up and going.

The both of them knew Shepherd would make good on his threat. So there was no fighting. No attempts.

Something on the laptop buzzed, before making a popping sound three times. A call connecting sound. The screen changed, with the backdrop of a desert.

There were Mactavish and Price.

Bubba. Simon's eyes watered again.

[wolfislost]

Touching Base

TL;DR: I'm trying to get back in touch with my kin side.

I've been neglecting my kin side pretty heavily lately. I know this might seem a little strange, given that I made a post not that long ago about how my experience of being alterhuman is a lot more balanced nowadays. In the grand scheme of things however, i'm still a fledgling here. I've been a part of the community for a little under three years. Joining the community more or less coincided with beginning to properly explore this part of myself. All of this is to say, i'm still very early in this journey. As to be expected, I'm still making mistakes and figuring out how to live happily as an alterhuman.

I've been wrapped up in human stress, for a while now. To some extent, it's my own fault. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to spend every waking moment possible being productive. This is made even worse given the fact that i'm disabled, and thus have additional struggles on top of that pressure. Even when relaxing or talking to friends, I find some way to sneak work in somehow.

To be clear, this is not a good thing. I'm not romanticising the grind or whatever. The grind sucks. I'm throwing myself into this thing that I hate, because it's the best path I have to my goals right now. Still wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You might see where this is going already. I've been working constantly on tasks that require my human side to perform, or they fall apart. I'm doing them constantly, unless I'm sleeping or otherwise incapacitated. That's not an environment where being a werewolf is really possible. I HAVE to maintain my human state, or sacrifice productivity.

So I've found myself completely distanced from something that's a really important part of who I am. It isn't just work, I don't really have any opportunities to be myself in my social life right now either.

So yesterday I ran into the woods.

Technically it wasn't as spontaneous as that, but I did go to the woods. And I stayed there. I'm not sure how many hours it was, but it was enough to start realising something.

I'm badly out of touch.

Alone in the woods, surrounded by small mammals and fresh air. I should have been the most shifty I've been in a while. But it was only a faint echo. I had to consciously make myself let go and loosen up. Even then, it was limited. Restricted. I struggled to fully lose myself and be free.

It's clear that I've seriously hindred my ability to feel and express myself freely. To just exist as a werewolf in three dimensional space. It's frustrating and disheartening but it's also my own fault. I pushed too hard for too long, and i'm paying the price.

I don't intend to just leave things here though.

For now at least, I plan on going back to the woods. Once every two weeks at least. I want to make time spent in nature a more frequent part of my routine. It'll help get my stress levels to a manageable level. With time, it should also let me get back in touch with what I've lost.

If there's a lesson in all this, I suppose it's not to take my urges and general kin side for granted. It can be trouble, it can be uncomfortable. But it's also important. And at times fun. It's part of who I am.

[estranhossonhos]

INHERITED TRAUMAS

One of the main issues I've been having lately is processing sensory issues.

Since I got my official diagnosis (ADHD) - a year ago - I've been relearning how to process this (and all other symptoms). And even though it's been tough (REALLY TOUGH), it has also been rewarding, because I'm finally starting to understand my past and present self better, and consequently I am starting to understand my (undiagnosed but sick) parents as well and forgiving them.

Once upon a time...

I recently had a 💡 moment, and noticed that 60% of the time, back when I was a teenager, if I was hyper reacting, screaming/crying, wanting to be isolated (but I couldn't because it was considered rude), always tired, couldn't understand what was happening to my mind/body, and why nobody understood how I felt (which made everything worse), it was ALL DUE TO MY UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - specially my sensory issues.

While I am typing this, guess where I am currently spending some days at...?

I get flashbacks of those moments, every time I visit my parents' house.

TV is always on and loud, and because of it, they are always screaming (instead of turning the volume down and/or go to the person they want to talk to).

I would always feel stuck (and stressed) during every mealtime because "dinner time is the only time we are all together" (while having bright white fluorescent lights on us, tv is still loud, all the screaming and yelling, and dealing with my parents inflexibility to accommodate my continuous requests to turn the volume down or to even turn it off, since it was "family time"!).

I swear, my parents love me and I love them. I'm just describing part of my older sibling curse - the one that is always trying to break generational traumas a.k.a mental health issues that were passed down and never taken seriously.

Even though my parents came to my help and sincerely asked what they could do for me, they essentially continued the same, because their inherited trauma was "don't cry, be tough" and inability to communicate, like adults.

And when I would snap at them and ask why even bother asking if they do not listen to me, they would just shrug and say "because we are the adults and you are a kid" (and yes, they still say the same thing to theirs - now - 30+ years "kid").

Therefore, during the 18 years I lived with them, I was raised in a stressful environment, which made me hate EVERY "family time" (even road trips, because guess what - there's no tv but there's RADIO!), and created a constantly anxious human being, because every night we would have dinner together, under the exact same conditions.

And now you ask:

"How did you survive all of that?" - well I was misdiagnosed and being treated for depression and anxiety, for 28 years. And honestly? Most likely, that's what got me through LIFE - because, at least I was treating some symptoms of my ADHD, and learning through therapy how to deal with my upbringing conditions.

So let us now have an adult shrug-moment 🤷‍♀️ and a toast 🥂 , and wish for a less traumatized generation - or in case this family line ends with me, let's wish for a less traumatized self (pretty please?! 🤡).

[lunanovakat]

Sneak Peek of a Future Project

This is barely even half of this first chapter and it keeps growing... I wanted to share the rough draft before it gets too big and seven-years pass before it's one day uploaded.

I've just been so in love with Marvel/DC crossovers lately, I have so many DC or Marvel crossovers tbh, and honestly I have so many WIPs that leaking peeks of them are probably how half of them are going to be able to see the light of day.

Feel free to pester me in curiosity bc I'd love to rant about my never-ending list of work and maybe also use them as an excuse to not feel hella stressed.

Still thinking of a name for it, so we'll see how that comes out.

Sandman's in jail for the millionth time - exhausting as always but worth it - the general destruction the man was known for having been kept to a minimum, thankfully, and Spider-Man waved away by shifting cops who aren't really sure how to treat the hero-framed villain-vigilante. And it's nice, even if he's going home to a too cramped one room apartment he could barely even afford without any friends or family to make him think life was worth living.

Something under his skin mourned his life - maybe grieving with him, it was a funny thought considering no one knew who Peter Parker was anymore and anyone who would've had moved on to better things or died.

His chest aches - he pushes it down, he has the funny feeling Mr. Falcon was disappointed in him.

Has a funny feeling several heroes he knows or knew were slightly disappointed in him for some reason, and the thought of them made the gaping void in his chest twinge-

Actually, his chest is aching, painfully, enough that Peter cringes and tries to swing towards a roof to check if he received a wound he hadn't noticed - something like Mr. Dr. Strange panicky and worried about magic as Peter's spidey-sense screams like a Banshee. His hand phases through his web, not misses or is unable to reach, the web phases right through his hand mid-swing and he starts to fall - and fall -

And fall.

New York dusk, a colorful kaleidoscope of faint smog and red-orange-yellow, turns into a darkly dreary cloudy smog filled night, but Peter's head hits concrete and all he knows is unconsciousness.

He doesn't wake up for three days - he doesn't feel as human when he wakes up either.

The first thing he realizes, brain melting out of his ears and his organs humming, is that he's not in New York anymore.

He's not even in the same dimension.

"Um.. Excuse me?" A young, familiar voice whispers to her - a voice she's heard on patrol since she'd been a child, again and again - and it has Barbara already rolling her eyes at Dick's antics before she even knew what they'd be - always a bother and a brother, and great at doing both.

She loved him, she did, too much blood spilt for the other for either of them to ever be anything less than family with one another but she was busy and, unless Dick had coffee and some good news, she wasn't really in the mood for one of his playful 'cheer-up' schemes. Dick would understand, obviously, once she had a chance to explain herself and relax when the livelihoods of others weren't actively hanging over her head but she was wrung thin for the moment.

"Not now, Dick - you know B wants this report tonight." They needed to find the missing teens and they needed to find them quickly, they'd already found too many bodies already. And still no reason as to why, which might bother her just as much as the death toll.

Half of her suspects magic, the other half of her hopes it's just a new killer hoping to make a name - either way Barbara is tired and the deaths are wearing away her conscience.

Barbara expects a gusty sigh, or an audible cringe, something so like Dick that her tension melts away and she, for a moment, is able to relax in the presence of family she knows will look out for her - instead, horrifyingly, she's met with a quietly stuttered out, "Oh.", and she snaps her head up to find the wide-eyed baby-face of a child looking back at her.

One that looks so much like the Dick she grew up with, had worked as Batgirl with, that Barbara feels winded for a few seconds and unable to restart her brain.

"Sorry," The boy starts after an awkward bit of silence, "I didn't - I'm sorry for bothering you." And he goes to turn away, shoulders high and anxious, and she can't let that happen.

"No!" Barbara snaps quickly, cringing at the flinch the boy offers her action in return - god, he was like a skittish pre-teen version of Dick, except his hair and eye-color were wrong - sitting up as straight as she could and plastering on an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry - really - I thought you were a friend of mine named Dick."

There's a dark, ugly purple bruise on the kid's cheek and Barbara feels sort of sick noticing it. And the darker, spotted with irritated red, bruises she can see under the collar of the kid's rough looking shirt that climb up his neck like he had been strangled don't make her feel any better. Something sits, angry, in her gut at both being on a poor kid that looked like Dick got frisky with a brunette without protection - and, well, just a small kid to begin with.

God, had Dick had a secret child? No. That couldn't be...

But maybe he had - Dick had had a wild series of flings when he was eighteen and the kid looked like he was around ten.

If she wanted to stretch it, she could say he was ten through thirteen - or, maybe, fourteen or fifteen but really young looking, but he looked too young to just look young.

"Like Tom, Dick, and Harry?" The kid asks, still tense and awkward but trying to ease himself into a false sense of comfort, offering Barbara a smile that's too much like Dick's it makes her heart squeeze with how out of place the kid looks like he feels.

With how out of place it looks on someone who isn't Dick.

"Exactly, kiddo." Barbara confirms, a flicker of amusement at the boy's disgruntled look stoking a warmth to replace the heaviness in her gut, and she motioned towards the phone on the desk next to her, "A friend of mine said he planned on dropping by soon - since it's so late, I assumed you were him. I've just been so busy with my second job that I didn't realize the person speaking to me didn't have the same voice as my friend - Dick'll have a field day with that, but I'm not going to tell him."

By now, the kid was relaxed - still tense in a way that made her heart ache and something angry and hot want to crawl up her spine, but far more relaxed since she accidentally insulted him. He still looked too much like Dick that her mind was trying to connect the two and was short-circuiting when no leads or explanations came up for her to grapple around with.

Barbara had been there for Dick whenever a pregnancy scare or scam happened to him, knew almost every past flame Dick had as much as she didn't want to, but she knows there had to be an explanation. A piece to the puzzle was missing or she was overlooking something, and she couldn't let the kid leave just yet without a possible answer to her question - for all she knew, some past flame had been severely unhinged and stole a used condom or something, stranger things had happened.

"Now that that's out of the way - sorry, again - what can I help you with?" She smoothly added on, still keeping up her friendly smile to the mini-me of her best friend, "If you're looking for a specific book or curious about what our library has to offer, you can ask me any question you'd like."

Mini-Dick, because he looks so much like him - so terrifyingly identical in a way she nearly thinks cloning at first, but then saw the lighter skin and the warm brown eyes and the dark brown hair and way his jaw curved more upwards instead of staying in Dick's diamond cut - and she doesn't know his name, flushes slightly when he offers her a wider and relieved smile. It's Dick's smile, the way it crinkles a dimple in one cheek and not the other and makes the kid twinge his nose just a little as his eyes squint and his brow-bridge twitches, and it takes Barbara's breath away.

If this kid wasn't Dick's son, she'd fight condiment king in her civilian clothes without a single complaint for a month. Cloning would make the kid more similar to Dick, only minor patches in Dick's genetic code needing to be corrected with someone else's, and even if someone knew that Dick was Nightwing there wasn't anything overly impressive in Dick's DNA to make him worth cloning.

It could be a ploy to get to Bruce, as Batman, but something in the bottom of her lungs told her the kid was too genuine and too skittish to be some sort of plant - Dick's smile altered enough, nose twitching the wrong way and the outer corner of his eyes crinkling more than the inner unlike Dick's that did both equally, the kid could claim it as his own. Alike but different, not a replica but just how the kid was.

"Oh, thanks - I, um, I was wondering where the public computers are?" The kid starts, a tension in his frame leaving in minutiae milliseconds, the shape of Dick's eyes warming like the honey-brown of his irises, "And, uh, if you had anymore of those 'Welcome to Gotham City' pamphlets? A.. Nice lady at the diner nearby said there was one…"

Dick's kid - because it has to be his son, not a brother or cousin or clone when he looks so much like Dick but different too, and so distantly like Dick's parents who she's seen photos of mixed with pieces of some people else - shifts on his feet, small and awkward and wary, and Barbara's heart all but shatters in her chest at the realization the kid is running from something. No one came to Gotham willingly, and never with a good and happy reason either, add in the bruises she can see as plain as day all over the kid -

The tip of a thick scar, jagged and crude, peeks from the collar of his shirt when leans in on himself a little too much - hiding himself, hoping he'd be small enough no one spots him, shifting on his feet silently and waiting to flee, aware of his surroundings but pretending not to be-

Barbara knows a kid in a bad situation when she sees one - she feels like crying at seeing Dick looking so small and wary and scared, even if the kid was pretending he wasn't. Trying to hide his wariness as much as possible instead of focusing on Barbara, a known friend of Dick and the Oracle, pretending he was okay even when he wasn't - either he was a kid who was really just running, the greatest actor she's ever seen, or a kid being used and terrified of it.

He was so tiny, either way.

She could barely breathe, he was too tiny.

[hydn-jpg]

hello!! i am alive !!!!

how have y'all been? i've definitely been better lol

so... i can explain. or maybe not. i've never been good at talking about things but i'll do my best

under the cut bc a bunch of things happened and this'll probably be very long:

honestly where do i even start?

it has been a very rough almost month and a half for me, it was as if whatever god or entity out there went "lol wouldn't it be funny if we made this person go through several bad things all within the span of a few weeks" and then did just that

in early august i got a call from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. i had just gotten home from class at the time, but i immediately went out again and took the soonest available flight back to korea for her funeral. losing her hit me pretty hard honestly, she was the one i turned to when things were hard, and was also the only one who was generally supportive of my identity and sexuality. she didn't really get it, but she never made homophobic or transphobic comments, and was always kind and unconditionally loving. chuseok this year will be difficult without her around but at least she is in a better place i hope.

i took two weeks off from school to stay with my family after that. when i got back i was mostly catching up on all the classes i missed so i had very little time to do anything else. the stress coupled with all the physical exertion and everything else lead me to have the worst asthma attack i've experienced as of yet, it could've gotten a lot worse if it weren't for my kind neighbours who rushed to help me when they saw me struggling in the hallway

then in late august i got into a car accident. i was driving home from campus (which is an hour away), it was raining very heavily and i guess i lost control of my car. i am not sure what exactly happened honestly, one moment i was driving peacefully (and at appropriate speed for driving in the rain) and the next moment my car was spinning around and hitting the guardrails before crashing. it sounds cliché but everything was in slow motion and i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. i'm really thankful that the highway was basically empty, so no one else was affected. i somehow came out of the accident with only a concussion, a badly sprained arm and neck and some cuts and bruises. those will surely heal with time but the trauma of it will probably stay for quite a while.

so that's what happened. my mental health has not been great but i've been feeling a bit better lately! so that's good. i've been too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to do anything haha.

i probably won't be able to draw for a while thanks to my injury so you won't be seeing any art from me for at least another month or so,, to people i still owe commissions to, i will have to give you an IOU because again, i can't draw rn but also because i lost basically all the art that i haven't backed up during the crash, which unfortunately includes the commission sketches :( i'm so sorry, i'll redraw them as soon as i'm able to. i really wish procreate had an automatic cloud backup system so at least the sketches i did were saved but we can't always get what we want i guess,,

thank you to everyone who reached out and asked about my wellbeing and i'm really sorry for ignoring your messages and tags. i'll get to them as soon as i can!

tldr; my grandma passed, i had a bad asthma attack and i got into a car accident but i am okay. not really but i'll be okay maybe. lmao.

[arihi]

Anyway I'm on Tumblr on my computer at 3 AM now so I might as well do another post. I'm rambly and not quite wanting to get to bed yet, I suppose. (Just a personal blog post under the line.)

It's a new year, and I am doing okay. There are a lot of things I've put off that continue to cast their shadows over me which stresses me out. I will try to work on those eventually. There are deeper issues that are not quite as easy. My relationship with my family is maybe more complicated than before, somehow. I feel generally happy here, but the large gulf between my life here and the snapshot of the life back in Texas every time I visit is so overwhelming that I feel like derealized, a little, for a longer time after each visit than I would like. So dissociated. I went to a 6 hour DJ set a couple of days after I got back from Texas and even with the music so loud I'm sure I've lost hearing, and the bass deep in my chest making it almost hard to breathe, I spent a great part of it staring at the ceiling wondering to myself "Damn, my name is Ari," as if it was a new discovery every time.

I am stressed about my place in it all. Physically, emotionally. Physically, will I need to move, and will I survive that? Emotionally, too complicated to even figure out how I feel about it, let alone putting it to text, let alone posting it on a blog. I flew back home, went to the DJ set, and the day after a good friend flew in and is staying in town for 2 weeks, until Charmed, and then there's Charmed. I am excited for Charmed, but phew. As I type this, I do realize that a large part of feeling so unsettled and rambly late at night is that I haven't gotten to decompress from my holiday trip, and I won't get a chance to until the complicated feelings have likely already buried themselves too deep to process. How could I ever, when it's been a tangled web for over twenty years?

My fitness journey has come to a standstill, since I can't justify the personal training anymore. I do need to work on probably a more stable and consistent gym routine, but it's a mountain of a task to me for regular reasons that aren't really important. It's a typical new year's resolution really, but it just feels more demoralizing to me at the moment because it had been one of the big things I was proud of myself for in recent years, and I had kept at it a long time, so part of me feels like when I stop it'll be impossible to start again, but I know it's not true. But what we know and how we feel don't always line up.

I don't do the annual FutureMes that I used to, but I know every time I wrote one a year down the line was unfathomable to me and I'd always be in such a different position than I had before. I'm banking on that, because I'd like to be feeling different - if not soon, then at least by the next year. Here's to hoping!

[moonchild-in-blue]

Hey there! A bit late but i'm here for the ask game! (*´v｀*) I'd like to ask 1, 11, 23, 63, 78 and 88 but i know it's a lot so no pressure, please feel free to ignore any of them if you don't feel like answering it! 🫂💖

Hi!!! Not late, never late! I will put this under the cut because ~lenght~. These are all very good questions, thank you Lev 💙🪲

(What’s your biggest insecurity? Do you like who you are around people? Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you ever get paranoid? What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends? What kinds of things confuse you?)

1 - What’s your biggest insecurity?

My body, which is such a sad answer, but it's true. I'm working on it. My voice - some people do not take me seriously because I have a "girly voice", especially when stressed, even though it's really not that high pitched. I had to force my Big Girl Sexy Deeper Voice out at my previous job just to get my points across. Again, sad.

Also my inability of expressing my feelings out loud. I write it a lot, but I can't genuinely remember the last time I said the words "I love you" with my own voice.

I know why I am the way I am, and I wish it didn't get to me, but this will be my cross to bear until the end of my days. I think I try to be as loudly affectionate as possible here, because I'm hoping it will make it easier for me irl.

11 - Do you like who you are around people?

Depends on the people, really. I like the way I am around my friends, even if there are parts of me I supress. I wish I was better around my sister - she deserves more than I am, and it frustrates me that I sometimes act like our parents towards her. It kills me inside.

I don't know how to answer in relation to my parents. On one hand, it's very relieving to be amongst people who understand certain parts of me without me having to justify or explain (something about being a 1st gen immigrant child lol). On the other, being at home puts me back to my 16yo mindset, when I was really angry and sad and struggling, and I hate it.

With strangers, it really depends. I am too anxious to notice haha. I just really like to be alone, I suppose. It's easier that way, at least.

23 - Do you believe in an afterlife?

Yes! I am very much Christian, so I do believe in heaven/hell, and the concept of an afterlife.

I don't really talk about it much here, because I know there are so many of you who have been failed and mistreated in the name of religion (which was not how any of this was supposed to happen, and it really breaks my heart) and prefer to steer away, which I 100% understand. Also, some people get extremely weird around Christians, and assume a number of things without even talking to them, so I spare myself the unpleasantness. I hope this makes some sense!

63 - Do you ever get paranoid?

Baby, anxiety is my middle name. I get paranoid about things you could never imagine. 😎 But yeah.

Every time I hear my door bell ringing, or knocking, I always think it's the police coming to get me, even thought the most illegal thing I've done is download music?? And my family is... normal. No suspicious activity or anything, so I really don't understand why. Make it make sense.

78 - What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends?

There isn't much I'm not comfortable with tbh. My friends have seen me at my worse, and we know almost everything about each other. We've been friends for a very long time.

Maybe just being affectionate? I have a really hard time with that, but it gets easier around them. And they know how unhinged I am about my blorbos, so I don't really need to censor myself haha. I do a little code-switching. I speak a bit differently around my family, and with them I tend to use a more generalised/commonly accepted language, rather then my parent's countries expressions.

88 - What kinds of things confuse you?

LIFE IN GENERAL. How do you make decisons? How do you know you're in the right path?

Math. Cars. Sports. It's all Simlish to me lmao.

[hecckyeah]

been thinking about au/adhd and our subtle superpowers lately.

I'm a stimmer. I didn't realize it until probably a year ago, but I truly cannot sit still ever at all for any reason unless my life depends on it. as a child I used to spin and spin and spin in the living room until I fell down, and I would flap my arms while spinning because it sped me up then slowed me down. and now thinking back, I don't remember any of my siblings doing that at all. I used to plug my ears very very very often to escape from noises that didn't seem to bother anyone else, like the sound of electricity and the dishwasher running and styrofoam scraping against a cardboard box.

I've also realized that I am incredibly sensory seeking. more specifically with my mouth, my fingers, and my feet.

wearing barefoot minimalist shoes that let me feel the ground has done WONDERS for me in general, so that my feet don't feel like they're trapped in boxes. I grew up barefoot every chance I got and I still despise socks.

I tap rhythms out almost constantly. I have patterns that I tap by, depending on the time signature of whatever tune is in my head, and if I can't tap my fingers, I'll rub my teeth together just slightly so I can hear that tapping tapping tapping rhythm all the live long day and I love it. never gets old

I also chew on my lips and can't let my mouth sit still. I think that's why I always feel like snacking even when I'm not hungry, and why gum has been my best friend forever. when I'm nervous or stressed out I tend to make weird expressions with my mouth, like biting a lip or clacking my teeth or scrunching my face.

all things I thought were perfectly normal

I think I'm saying this because for the longest time I thought things didn't apply to me. I thought that just because I was good in school and high functioning, that I was neurotypical. but there is a certain freedom in finally letting go of expectations and walls that we set up to box ourselves in.

I thought that constantly losing friends and never feeling connected to anyone and feeling out of place everywhere, like everyone had a secret cheat code that they failed to give me as a teenager was just.... growing up. I thought everyone felt like that.

and when I learned that that is not usually the typical experience, I felt wildly out of place and sidelined and felt like I was the one at fault. like I just needed to try harder and maybe people would like me. I just needed to layer on the mask even more and maybe I would learn the secrets of society.

but of course it didn't happen like that.

I have to fight every day for a place here. for reassurance that I'm someone and I exist even though the world is strange and feels like a giant puzzle to crack and leaves me exhausted and even more tempted to disappear into the familiar comforts that I've constructed around myself. I have to remind myself that it's okay to feel out of place. that the things I do as coping mechanisms aren't dumb and don't make me any less valuable.

so what if I have to get up and walk during a meeting under the pretense of using the bathroom because if I don't see something new I will either fall asleep or physically explode? so what if I need to chew gum to feel like a human? so what if I have to wear the same brand and weight of socks every day or I can't function? so what if I take a few twirls around the room because it realigns the pieces in my brain that are threatening to shatter into a million pieces?

so what if I feel more at home in nature and without people around me constantly?

I wasn't made for this manufactured world. I was made with sensitive feet that can detect all kinds of textures on the forest floor. I was made with ears that are constantly on high alert and a brain that pieces puzzles together faster than I can blink, purely on intuition. I was made for constant motion, for riding horses and sailing boats and walking long distances over constantly changing landscapes, able to quickly make sense of my surroundings based on pattern recognition.

and if I need a few tools to adjust to the world I was born into, so what?

it's sad that autistic/adhd people are seen as the odd ones out.

underneath all this awkwardness and explosive enthusiasm and sensitivity to my environment, I'm just a human who longs for connection and purpose.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates