#even though I’m not allowed to be mad rn and you’re going through something really scary | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

erin-bo-berin · 2 years

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hey I love ur writing sm!! But i was wondering if you could make a Steve x Reader based on the reader having some sort of eating disorder and Steve just try to help as much as possible even though he doesn't know much about it (I’m really in a shitty mood rn since I’m trying my best to recover from my ED and idk if this could be a way to cope but yeah.) if it’s okay with you!!

Thank you! And I would love to write this. I’ll try to make it a bit vaguer since I don’t want it to be too triggering for you or anyone else. It will also be from Steve’s point of view if that’s okay ☺️

Also, my love and thoughts are with you. I’ve never personally dealt with it, but I do have mental health issues I struggle greatly with. I know that’s not the exact same thing, but I know it’s a hard uphill journey.

That being said, I believe in you, anon. You’ve got this. Don’t let those demons win because you’re stronger than you think. I love you, you can DO this ❤️

One Day At A Time

Steve Harrington x Reader

Warnings: Mentions and descriptions of reader suffering from an eating disorder

(If you find you aren’t in the right head space to read this, please if you need to, save it and come back to it when you’re in a better place. I promise I won’t be mad ❤️)

Steve spent an entire weekend at the library doing research.

He wasn’t too familiar with eating disorders, though he’d heard about them. He still felt like shit that he hadn’t even noticed anything wrong with you. He’d been your boyfriend of more than a year and he’d hadn’t noticed anything unusual. What kind of boyfriend did that make him?

Turns out, people learn to hide it well.

You had from him.

It was only until you’d started looking too thin, your clothes hanging off of you that he’d started to worry. The once lively spark in your eyes, the happiness that you always radiated had vanished from your eyes.

He’d had no idea just how hard you were fighting unseen demons.

After the diagnosis, your parents had sent you to treatment and he hadn’t seen you for a month. It was a short stint, peppered with phone calls to each other as he wasn’t allowed to visit. You and he were reuniting today and he’d spent time trying to figure out how to help you.

Obviously, he wasn’t trying to heal you himself, but he wanted to be as supportive as possible. After all, he hurt too seeing you in such pain.

He knew it was going to take time, it was going to be difficult, but he believed in you with his whole heart. But, he was determined that you weren’t going to go through this, alone.

•

The moment you stepped into his arms when you first arrived, he wrapped you in his arms, holding on to you tightly.

Maybe if he kept you safe in his arms, the bad thoughts wouldn’t be able to get to you. How he wished it worked like that.

You looked better, more at peace. You didn’t look tired, beaten down and worn like you had just a month ago. There was color in your cheeks and a small, happy smile one your face.

“I missed you,” you murmured into his chest.

He ran his hand over the back of your head, cradling it, kissing the top of your head. His hand slid down to the back of your neck and he pulled away enough to look down at you.

“I missed you too, Y/N.”

He leaned in to kiss you gently and you returned the gesture, pulling away after a moment, your smile a bit brighter.

He’d offered for you to stay with him for the first little while—if you were comfortable doing so. You’d readily agreed, nervous to be alone in your place. It wasn’t a big deal anyways since you spent most of your time at his place anyway. In actuality, he just wanted you to be close. Not to smother you or watch you like a hawk. He just wanted to be there for you, even in your darkest moments. That’s why he voiced his next thought out loud, just to remind you.

“You don’t have to do this alone.”

•

“I’m not hungry,” you’d said quietly, avoiding his gaze.

He’d fixed dinner for the both of you, something that was completely healthy and even smelled so good, he was looking forward to it. He’d managed to whip up some lemon pepper chicken, stir fried broccoli and rosemary garlic potatoes.

Nancy would be proud. For all her tough exterior, the girl knew how to cook and she’d helped him in the month you’d been gone.

He had learned that that was just a diversion tactic of your illness, so he didn’t push. He sat the two plates he was holding down on the coffee table in front of you two and sat down next to you.

He wouldn’t push it. He knew better than to be hard on you.

“That’s okay,” he said, “Is it a bad day?”

He’d read enough to know, like with anything, you were going to have your good days and your bad days. You may be on the road to recovery, but recovery wasn’t linear.

You nodded a bit.

“Yeah. It’s been hard today, knowing I was coming home.”

He didn’t talk about the food, didn’t scold you. He just took your hands in his and looked at you, genuinely wanting to know.

“What’s been scaring you about it?”

You let out a deep sigh and his heart clenched. Such a heavy sigh shouldn’t be coming from your beautiful self. He just wanted to wrap you in his arms and never let go.

“I’m afraid I’ll relapse. They said it’s possible at the center,” you said.

“Yes, it is. But you’ll get through that too, I know it. It’s a normal part of recovery,” he said.

You looked at him quizzically, almost amused.

“You almost sound like my new therapist.”

He blushed, looking sheepish.

“Sorry. I spent the entire weekend at the library learning all I could to help you, baby.”

Your look of bewilderment turned to one of awe, a slow smile spreading on your face.

“You did that? For me?”

“Of course I did. I want to be supportive and help you. If you’re having a bad day, I want you to be able to talk to me about it, to lean on me. If you’re having a good day, I want to still hear about it and celebrate that good day. I meant it when I told you that you don’t have to go through this alone.”

You stayed silent for a moment, pulling your hands out of his. You cupped his face in your hands, bringing him down for a kiss, your emotions swirling at how hard he’d prepared to help you, just to be there for you.

Steve watched without a word as you reached for your plate, picking up a piece of the chicken with your fork, bringing it to your mouth.

He tried not to be insulted when you looked at him with widened eyes, shock clear on your face.

“This is amazing, Steve. When did you learn to cook?”

“Nancy taught me,” he shrugged, nonchalantly, “And I’m not that bad of a cook!”

“Babe, you’re usually a pro at burning toast,” you leveled him with a look.

He huffed, pretending to be insulted, but he couldn’t help the grin and laugh that came from him. You were so distracted, you ended up eating a bit more.

“I’m so proud of you,” he smiled, putting his arm around you, pulling you into his side.

“Thank you,” you whispered, “For doing all of this for me.”

“Of course,” he paused, rubbing your arm, “You know what we’re going to do?”

“What’s that?” you asked.

“We’re going to take it one day at a time.”

#steve harrington #steve harrington angst #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington fic #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x reader #stranger things #stranger things blurb #stranger things fic #stranger things angst #stranger things fluff

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lorelaiislatte · 2 years

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hi hello i found your account earlier this week and fell in love with your aloto fics and depiction of the characters, so i wanted to know your opinion on something i haven’t quite been able to work out regarding that:

i’m on my fourth rewatch rn and i think i have the characters more or less figured out except for the way greta acts around carson during the second episode. i mean, i understand that she was trying to hang around carson and find out things about her without seeming bothered by it (like the way she lingered when carson was talking to meg on the phone), and that would sorta explain how playfully – even by greta standards – she was acting.

i think maybe she also sort of wanted to catch carson’s attention by annoying her (for lack of better word, like when she says “oh, carson already has a new daddy”), but i still feel like i’m missing something?

because, for example, when she’s talking about the newspaper article regarding the peaches, carson goes “are you trying to get in my head” and greta’s response seems too serious/mysterious when she says “i don’t know what you’re talking about, carson”. she doesn’t get outright mad at carson for thinking something is about her even though there’s no direct link, which makes me think maybe greta did have something in mind regarding carson in that scene too. but i can’t really figure out what – all i know is that everything about greta, especially in those first episodes, is calculated.

so basically i’m wondering if you have any takes on her behavior during that episode, cause this has been a question mark in my head ever since the first time i watched it and it’s not going away LMAO.

sorry for the long ask and ofc if you don’t feel up for it, you can just ignore. hope you’re having a nice weekend :)

[cracks knuckles] let's GO

firstly you are so not alone this i also remember thinking a lot of her actions were kinda odd and not being able to hack why. not sure i've thought of much that clarifies it to be totally honest but a few thoughts:

we're in the fun part of greta still trying to prove something to carson, namely that carson has feelings for her (which obviously spirals into clarity in episode three) - she hasn't quite got carson pinned yet so i think it's almost a bit of trial and error on greta's part, trying to work out what she can get away with and what carson responds the most to

i also think it's worth noting that this is super early-days, where greta is pretty confident she'll get a quick fling out of carson to add some spice to the season. it's pre-falling for her, and pre-allowing the idea that she could fall for her, so greta's in a very rehearsed dance that she knows usually yields quick results. i like to think that the reason it feels so off-kilter is because carson is different for her to women in the past. personally i think greta is absolutely trying to get in carson's head, just not for the accusatory reasons carson thinks; she's not trying to fuck with her in a way that's malicious or ill-intended, she's just speedrunning her usual 'get laid, have fun, don't fall in love' routine

following on from the above if i remember correctly it's episode three that jo starts to properly be a bit :/ about them - i know she was in episode one when greta goes to carson at the bar, but this is the first time it seems to be genuine long-term concern instead of what struck me as a quick 'for fucks sake' flash, and that feels noteworthy - i think jo is seeing from the outside through episode two how much greta's usual routine isn't working out in the way it normally does, and that's what leads to the episode three developments. she's probably seen greta do this a lot but for whatever reason carson is different, and the difference in greta's behaviour from episode two to episode three is jo's first indication that this is going to be something serious. bit of a tangent but point being that greta's behaviour in episode two is absolutely calculated, whereas in episode three we get to see how she flirts when she's really interested, not just following her script

essentially i think episode two is an episode of 'well, been down this path, let's get to the end', and the contrast in episode three is what settles it. episode three greta is interested in carson, episode two greta is attempting to keep it superficial. episode two greta is getting to know carson properly, and, i think, being genuinely anxious about it - we see so many examples of greta using her femininity to hide, but i also think that extends to how she acts around carson in those early episodes. by planning every move and knowing exactly what to say she's controlling the situation, placing that distance and showing interest in a way that she knows she can pull back from at any point

tl dr i also still don't Really Know but i think greta is in FULL control-freak-mode and is following a very practiced script that she knows has worked on women before. i haven't rewatched in a couple of weeks and my memory of episode two is a bit hazy, so v v open to hearing other people's thoughts too

#ask #a league of their own #she is a mystery and i also can't quite pin her actions down #ALSO thank you for the compliments at the start of this they are so so so appreciated

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foilfreak · 3 years

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4 Lords Raise Rose AU Ideas

Not a single person asked for this, but that other post where I talk about the 4 lords adopting Rose but still technically being terrible people got way more popular than I expected it to, so, with about 6 shots of tequila in my system and a terrible urge to spit my thoughts out for all the internet to see and judge, I’ve decided to make a follow up post. Here’s how I think the 4 lords would take care of Rose in the event they rebelled against Mother Miranda and decided to raise Rose as their own instead, but like under the cut after a little bit cuz i accidentally went way too fucking hard with this and I don’t want ppl to get mad at me for making them scroll for an hour to get past this post:

First and foremost, I think they’d do it in stages, and what I mean by this is that Rose would essentially be given to a specific Lord for some period of her life, like a couple years, and then when she was deemed old or strong or annoying enough, she’d be moved to a different lord for some period of time and so on and so forth. They would do this because a) they all live in different areas and have shit to do so it’s easier to have Rose live with one lord at a time and then the other lords can just go visit her there from time to time, rather than try to work out a weekly custody schedule which we all know Alcina and Karl would NEVER be able to agree on so let’s not even bother, and b) because each lord would have either some skill or set of knowledge that would make them the best for caring for Rose at that specific point in her life. This way, all the lords have a (somewhat) equal chance to be a part of Rose’s life and teach her something while she’s with them. So with all that in mind now, let’s get down to who would have Rose and at what point in her life.

1. Starting off with infant Rose, I think she’d end up with the Dimitrescu’s for the first few years of her life, and the reason why I think this is because... well, Alcina IS already a mother to 3 girls, and while we don’t know a terrible amount about Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela’s “upbringing” under Alcina, we can gleam and theorize from her notes that, despite their fully grown bodies, the girls could very well have started out with the mental and physical capabilities of infants, and thus needed to be cared for and brought up in a similar manner as infants or children until they reached a certain point where they could officially be considered adults in mentality and ability, not just in physical appearance. So with this in mind, it’s entirely possible that Alcina could have at least some vague idea of how to care for an infant child through her experiences with the bug sisters; perhaps there’s some gaps in her knowledge, but if nothing else I imagine Alcina would be an infant Rose’s best shot at surviving infancy if only because the other 3 are so incompetent on how to care for a baby that Alcina looks like an expert in comparison. Not to mention that, of the possible locations for an infant to be raised, I do genuinely think that castle Dimitrescu would be the safest place for Rose to be kept during this vulnerable part of her life. Not only that but if Alcina has actually come to care for Rose as though she were one of her own daughters, then she would absolutely spoil Rose rotten with all the nicest clothes and fanciest toys, things that a small infant wouldnt be able to appreciate but would show that she’s loved and cared for nonetheless, and don’t even get me started on the bug sisters, I could see them fawning over Rose for hours on end, playing with her, singing to her, telling her stories of all the man-things they’ve gotten to play with today, and so much more. Overall, Rose would just be the most spoiled and pampered little baby with the Dimitrescus and there’s no changing my mind about this. The only thing I’m struggling to wrap my head around is how they’d feed her, since I doubt a small infant would take very well to blood wine and human flesh. I suppose it wouldn’t be terribly outrageous for them to hire a wet nurse/nanny to care for Rose during the day while the other Dimitrescus go about their daily duties, and when Rose is finally old enough to be introduced to solid food (I.e. fried human flesh cubes) they could do what they always do and turn the nurse into wine too, I guess. It’s not a solid idea but it’s more plausible than anything else I thought of so it’ll work!

2. After spending about 3 years with the Dimitrescus, Rose would then be moved to the Beneviento house. Now, If u don’t know anything about 3 year olds, then you’re probably ignorant to the fact that they are some of the craftiest, sneakiest, and most coniving groups of people to exist on this planet. 3 year olds are masters at getting into and touching just about anything and everything u don’t want them to touch, and worst of all, u won’t realize what they’re doing until they’ve already done it and left a huge mess behind, so while the Dimitrescus love and adore Rose dearly, they know it’s sadly time to hand her over when they find her sitting on top of a pile of dead bodies playing with a metal scythe in the dungeons. Once Rose is dropped off at the Beneviento house, I imagine Donna is her usual stoic self the first few weeks Rose is with her. She’s not cold or distant necessarily, in fact she’s quite happy that it’s finally her turn with precious baby Rose, but Donna isn’t exactly known for being outwardly expressive herself (and even Angie isn’t being quite as forward as she normally is), so things are quiet and peaceful for the first little while that Rose is under her care. It’s not until Rose takes an interest in her doll Angie, and more importantly the things that Donna can do with Angie, that things really start getting fun. By the end of Rose’s first month in the Beneviento house she and Donna are the best of friends and often spend their days either playing dress up and make pretend with Donna’s extensive doll collection, or playing elaborate games of cat and mouse, where Donna will set up lots of puzzles throughout the house for Rose to find and solve (I.e. rose has to match her dress to the doll with the same one as her to find a map telling her which kitchen cabinet Donna hid the chocolate in, or something like that), but be careful little Rose, Angie has been trying to get her hands on that chocolate all day, and if u take too long, she’ll find the map first and eat all the chocolate without saving you a single piece. Just silly little puzzles with enough at stake to engage the mind of a curious 3 year old, but never enough to put rose in any actual danger. Donna is nothing if not a watchful caretaker, so she makes sure she has sight of Rose at all times, occasionally giving her a hint if she’s struggling, and perhaps occasionally making things harder if that day’s puzzle is proving too easy for her. Overall, Rose’s time with Donna, while not as grand and luxurious as the Dimitrescus, was still a fun and enriching experience for the young girl, and there’s nobody in this world who thinks that Donna’s scar is cool more than Rose.

3. After another 3 years with Donna, Rose is now 6 years old and officially far too good at puzzle solving for Donna to keep up with. No matter what she tries or how hard she makes it, Rose just keeps blazing through the puzzles at an almost alarming rate, making it clear that Rose is desperately in need of not only a change in scenery, but also a change in education, and this is where Salvatore finally comes in. After leaving the Beneviento house, I think the next logical place for Rose to stay would be with Salvatore, who, with lore hinting at him perhaps being a scholarly man of some kind, would basically act as her elementary school teacher throughout the duration of her stay. Now, to be fair, Rose could have gone to Heisenburg’s factory, but Heisenberg outright refused to take her and the other 3 lords decide that the factory is simply too dangerous for Rose rn, who thus far hasn’t shown any signs of being anything other than a normal human girl with no noticeable abilities (save for a smart mouth and a terrifying habit of popping up when least expected, a habit she mostly uses to mess with Heisenberg, much to his disdain and Lady Dimitrescu’s delight), so it is to the mutant fish man’s unimaginable delight that he is unanimously voted Roses next caretaker, and the one responsible for her basic education. Despite his initial excitement however, when Rose is finally dropped off at the windmills by Donna, Salvatore realizes that he’s not 100% sure what to do with Rose now that he has her. He’d like to get started on her education right away but at the same time he’s so fearful of Rose hating him because of his disgusting appearance that he kind of just... avoids her entirely at first. He’s never far away from the little girl and is always ready to jump to her rescue should she need it, but other than that Salvatore seldom allows himself to be seen for the first month that Rose is with him, the only sign of him still being around being the platefuls of food that mysteriously appear in Rose’s room 3 times a day, as well as the occasional shiny trinket Salvatore found and thought Rose would like. At first, rose doesn’t seem to mind being left entirely to her own devices, but after every stone, log, and rotting fish corpse within 5 miles of the lake has been turned over and thoroughly examined, Rose decides she’s had quite enough of her Uncle Sal ignoring her, prompting the headstrong little girl to go looking for him herself. She finds Salvatore hiding underneath a patch of floating algae not far away from where she was playing and all but demands that the mutant man come out of the water and give her something to do or she’d tell Mother on him. Salvatore, shocked by the small child’s fearlessly blunt request, hesitates, not wanting to frighten Rose, but ultimately relents, crawling out of the water and timidly suggesting that he teach her how to read and write. Rose quickly agrees, seeming totally unbothered by Salvatore’s grotesque appearance, and the two quickly move to the schoolroom that had been set up specifically for Rose, where Salvatore spends hours upon hours a day teaching Rose everything he knows, filling the little girl’s head up first with the basics, letters and words, then numbers and simple equations, followed later by historical dates and time periods, algebraic formulas, and classic literature analysis, then biology, chemistry, physics, astrology, calculus, ecology, and so much more. Basically, anything there is to know, Salvatore knows at least something about it and he’ll make sure that Rose knows about it too. In the 3 years Rose spends with Salvatore she goes from already sharp as a whip, to being smarter than most adults even, and Salvatore takes immense pride in how intelligent and knowledgable Rose becomes thanks to his surprisingly effective teaching style. Overall, as a caretaker, Salvatore is pretty weird and doubts himself a lot, but Rose thinks he’s funny and loves learning from him so they get along very well and she loves him very dearly! He probs teaches her to swim and fish too.

4. So another 3 years come and go with incredible speed, and its with great sadness on Salvatore’s part that Heisenberg finally comes banging on the fish man’s door, all but demanding that he now be given his turn with Rose. Now, personally, I can see several different arguments being raised by the other 3 lords over why its a terrible idea to let a 9 year old anywhere near Heisenberg, much less be given into his care fully. After about 9 years of seeing his siblings paling around with the constantly growing child, and looking like theyre having the time of their lives all the while, however, Karl decides that perhaps there’s more to this little girl than he originally thought, and, with his interest now piqued (or at the very least looking forward to pissing the other 3 off for entertainment purposes), that its only fair that he be given a turn with her now too, seeing as how he’s the only one who hasn’t been given the chance to be her caretaker yet. This naturally does NOT go over well with the other 3 lords. Alcina all but threatens to kill Karl should he step so much as within 10 ft of Rose, while Donna pipes up and demands to know what his sudden interest in Rose is. Even Salvatore, who is quick to flinch away from direct conflict, goes as far as to harshly point out the plethora of times Karl had outright denied their previous attempts to get him to engage with Rose, so why on earth would they hand her over to him now when he’s previously shown to have absolutely no interest in her? After a long spout of yelling between the 4 siblings, an agreement is reached, wherein Rose herself will be given the chance to decide whether she wants to go with Heisenberg, or whether she’ll return to one of the other 3 lords for the time being. It is to Alcina, Donna, and Salvatore’s absolute horror however, that Rose enthusiastically agrees to go with her Uncle Karl to live in his factory, and with the deal already set, the other lords can do nothing to stop her from going. The trip to drop off Rose at heisenberg’s factory is a long and arduous one, especially for Salvatore, who sobs the whole way there about Rose forgetting about him despite the young girl’s insistence that she’d visit. The first thing Karl does after officially having Rose handed over to him, is give her an extensive list of all the places in the factory in which she is under no circumstances permitted to enter without his permission (which basically only leaves the control room and the old storage closet that acts as her bedroom as viable places for Rose to go and explore). The second thing Karl does is dump her in her new storage closet bedroom and then hightail it for his workshop to work on whatever sick and twisted amalgamation he’s got cooked up this time around. At first, Rose isn’t terribly bothered by this, since she’s used to having something of an “adjustment period” when she’s with a new caretaker, but unfortunately for her, this adjustment period lasts a hell of a lot longer than the others did, and by the time 3 months of almost no meaningful contact with Karl, Rose decides to take matters into her own hands and ascends into the depths of the factory despite the express orders not to do so. Now, going back to the idea that the 4 lords are still pretty terrible people, I doubt Rose has been kept ignorant to the less savory aspects of her caretaker’s lives, and tbh she probably doesn’t think anything of the fact that the Dimitrescus makes wine out of the blood of virgin women or that Salvatore still does cadou experiments (and had her help on occasion), but I imagine even Rose would find the projects Karl works on to be at least a little

4, cont. gruesome and horrifying in nature, especially since Heisenberg is the one she knows the least about. However, instead of turning Rose away from Heisenberg, these terrifying metal creatures she sees locked up only spark her already insatiable curiosity, and by the time she finally tracks Karl down, Rose is all but trembling to learn more about this horrifyingly fascinating metal world. Unfortunately, Karl is not nearly as happy to see Rose as Rose is to see him, and the engineer all but grabs Rose by the scruff of her neck and drags her back up to the control room, yelling and screaming at her all the while about how she was explicitly instructed not to enter these parts of the factory without his permission. Needless to say that Rose does not enjoy this treatment and immediately lashes out, half out of anger and half out of confusion as to why Karl was treating her like this. He was the one who wanted her here in the first place, so why the hell was he just ignoring her now? It didn’t make any sense and it was starting to piss Rose off, so naturally the only thing left for her to do in order to solve this complicated situation would be to continue to disobey Karl until he either gave up and sent her back to one of the other lords, or finally payed some damn attention to her for once. So that’s exactly what she did. Every single day Rose left her room (which Karl kept telling himself he needed to put a lock on, but never did cuz he’s an idiot) and descended down into the depths of the factory looking for something ogle at or tinker with, and every single day Karl would track her down wherever she’d managed to get to and throw her back upstairs threatening to feed her to the lycans if she did it again. This incredibly frustrating cycle continued on for the better part of the next month or so, finally coming to a head when Rose managed to wander into the part of the factory where the... less than successful experiments got put whenever Karl doesn’t have any further use for them but is feeling too lazy to kill them off himself. Long story short, Rose runs into a Sturm that chases her around the factory, causing all manner of mayhem and destruction, and would have torn her to ribbons had it not been for Karl, who jumped in at the last second and was able to fend the damn thing off long enough for Rose to get the ever living fuck out and back up to the control room where it’s safe. There’s a lot of loud noises and explosions coming from deep within the factory that last for what feels like an eternity, but Rose doesn’t dare venture out again until everything has gone eerily quiet and a deep sense of worry has settled in the pit of her stomach over what had become of her latest caretaker. Turns out the Sturm had recognized its creator and, after watching its initial prey escape because of said creator, quickly decided that it fucking hated Karl with every fiber of its being and wanted him dead if it was the last thing it’s propellers did. Now, we all know that Karl is a big strong boy who’s more than capable of handling his own creations and taking down strong enemies, but the Sturm is a creation that even he struggles to control on good days and today is decidedly not a good day so not only does Karl not have the slightest bit of control over the death machine trying to kill him, but its also a lot stronger than Karl initially thought and apparently not picky about the method which causes Karl’s death, which is evidenced by the nearly dead Sturm ramming itself into a power generator as a final act of defiance and nearly blowing up the whole factory and everybody inside. Heisenberg is able to contain the explosion somehow but not without considerable damage to himself first. Rose is, naturally, quite horrified to find Karl passed out in the elevator that had taken him up from the lower levels of the factory where the explosion was, skin burnt nearly to a crisp in certain areas and blood pooling from just about every part of him, and immediately heads over to try and help her injured caretaker.

4, cont. again cuz I physically can’t stop myself. Now, I imagine that any normal 9 year old probably wouldnt be able to handle this sort of situation in any meaningful way, but i think we can all agree that Rose is the furthest thing from normal (especially considering who raised her) and has probably seen enough blood and gore to not be terribly freaked out by it, but this is where things get a little speculative because we don’t know what Rose’s powers are exactly but we do know from the final cutscene that she does have them, perhaps even a plethora of abilities, and I like to think that some of those powers are related to Ethan’s superhuman healing capabilities, but unlike Ethan however, who from what we’ve seen could only heal himself, Rose can actually heal other people (tho this isn’t something she’s aware of at this point in time). The second the elevator door opens to reveal, what looks to be, a half-dead Karl slumped over in the corner, Rose panics and runs to him, doing everything she can think of save for maybe grabbing him by the collar or slapping him across the face, to try and get Karl to wake up, except nothing works, he wont wake up no matter how hard Rose tries and i imagine this must be incredibly distressing for Rose who never intended for something like this to happen or for her caretaker to die because he had to protect her even tho he told her not to go down there because its dangerous and anything down there WOULD kill her if given the opportunity. Anyways Rose is now full on sobbing on top of Karl like only a 9 year old who just discovered that her actions have consequences can, but unbeknownst to her (and technically Karl cuz he’s a little busy bleeding out all over the floor) Karl’s wounds are slowly beginning to close, the burns on his face and hands shift from a bright red to a dark brown before crusting over and flaking off, and even his breathing, which had been labored and inconsistent at first, began to level out slightly. Karl woke up not long after that and was surprised to find that a) he was still alive, which was cool, b) he was injured but not in indescribable pain, also cool, and c) there was a literal sobbing child all but sitting on top of him, which is definitely not something Karl was expecting but he supposed he’s been met with worse things upon waking up after almost dying so why question it. After taking a moment to gather their bearings, the two return to the safer parts of the factory to rest and recover and for the most part this little incident of their’s goes largely unspoken, with Rose not exactly in the mood to talk about how her disobedience nearly got herself and Karl killed, and Karl being too fucking tired to go after her about it, especially since she seems to have learned her lesson. The only downside to this whole thing is that now Karl has a busted up fuckin leg thats gonna take an eternity to heal even for him, and with so much work to still do he’s more or less forced to drag Rose around the factory and use her like the annoying assistant he never wanted (except he did want her, thats how this whole fucking mess started, you lug), except that Rose, who is more than used to playing lab assistant from her time with Salvatore, quickly proves to be a rather capable and handy person to have around, if only because she knows the difference between a philips and a flathead screwdriver even better than he does. An amicable, if still slightly awkward peace settles over Heisenberg’s factory once Karl starts actively engaging with Rose and giving her something to do on a daily basis, even if its just standing around watching him work and occasionally having her questions about what he’s doing answered. It doesn’t take very long after that for Karl to begin realizing that perhaps throwing a huge tantrum to get Rose to come here only to ditch her upstairs by herself for 3 months might not have been the smartest (or most considerate) thing he’s ever done, and even goes as far as to (kinda) apologize to Rose for being such a dick to her since she arrived.

4, last one i swear. Rose forgives him, though not before adding that she already knew he was an asshole from Alcina, which earns her a halfhearted swipe from Karl that Rose easily dodges with a childish giggle. From that point on their relationship improves astronomically as Karl finally gives in and teaches Rose about about engineering and everything else that goes into making the metal horrors that he’s known for. Karl is shocked at how quickly Rose picks up on the trade, getting to the point where Karl wonders if he should start giving Rose her own projects to work on, but quickly rolls his eyes and groans when he remember that Salvatore was the one responsible for her education up until this point, the mere thought of having to give compliments to that “moronic freak” for giving Rose such a good educational foundation makes him want to vomit despite how secretly impressed he is. Overall, Rose’s time with Heisenberg starts out shaky, very shaky even, but after a bit of disaster and some swallowing of the pride on Karl’s part, they end up growing quite close and have a nice fun Uncle and martass Neice dynamic. They make a good team and Karl does genuinely enjoy having a little assistant around to help him with his projects, even if Rose can sound a bit too much like Alcina on some days for his liking.

5. 3 more years come and go and now Rose is a strong and healthy 12 years old, perhaps riddled with a few more scars and smearings of ash and motor oil across her skin than when she first arrived but still strong and capable nonetheless. Going back to that first statement however, this of course means that it’s time for the other 3 lords to come banging on Karl’s door for a change, all but demanding that Rose be handed back over to them. Karl of course refuses, telling them all to fuck off and that Rose didn’t want a leave the factory, so upon realization that all 4 lords were gathered here with the intention of taking Rose back to live with them indefinitely, a fight immediately breaks out between the 4 siblings, as each one makes their case as to why Rose should be returned to them and not the other 3, which of course none of the 4 lords can come to an agreement about because they ALL want Rose to stay with them. So after another long and pointlessly arduous argument, Alcina finally breaks, proclaiming that they’d be here for all eternity of they didn’t make a decision now, and that, like the first time the 4 siblings argued over whether Rose should go with Heisenberg or return to one of the previous lords, Rose would be the one to decide which of her four caretakers she would return to. The agreement is made reluctantly, mostly on the part of Salvatore, Donna, and Heisenberg, but there was seemingly no other way for them to come to a decision, so it would unfortunately have to be up to Rose to decide which of her 4 caretakers she wants to stay with permanently. Rose is quickly brought before the 4 lords and explained the situation, before being given some time to herself to think and make her final decision. A tense and uneasy silence falls over the 4 lords as they wait for the little girl, who they had shown an uncharacteristic amount of mercy and time and devotion and love in the 12 years since Mother Miranda had brought her to the village with the intention of using her to revive an already lost and long-gone baby that she never would have gotten back no matter how hard she tried. Although they refused to admit it to one another, the lords all secretly knew that Rose had wormed her way into each of their cold, dead hearts, reviving an aspect of their humanity that they’d all thought had been lost ages ago. Rose came to the village bringing with her a wave of death and destruction, and yet throughout her childhood she has brought them nothing but light and life, illuminating their previously dark and desolate existences. The 4 lords loved their Rose very dearly and desperately wanted her to be happy, yet each of them possesses a dark and selfish desire to have Rose pick them over the other 3, to come and live with them forever and fill the hole deep inside them that they never knew needed filling. After a short while, Rose comes back out and stands before her 4 beloved caretakers, looking around nervously as she picks at her fingernails. The silence is thick and heavy as the 4 lords stare at the young girl, waiting with bated breaths for her to give her final verdict. Rose continues to say nothing as tears begin to flow from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks in thick streams as the girl begins to sob, dropping her head and clenching her dress. The 4 lords look between one another in confusion, unsure of what to do with this sudden burst of tears. Rose tearfully admits that she can’t and doesn’t want to choose which of the 4 lords she wants to live with permanently because she loves them all very much and wants to be able to see and live with all of them, like they’ve done thus far. Although the lords detest the idea of having to share Rose with anyone, they reluctantly come to an agreement for the girl’s sake, deciding that they would continue with the arrangement they’ve had thus far, only that Rose would switch between caretakers every 3 months instead of every 3 years, giving rose plenty of opportunities to see each of her caretakers just like she wanted. From then on, Rose continues to live her life

5, cont. growing up and learning more and more from each of her beloved caretakers. Although Rose would likely never know what a normal life looks like, living with 4 criminally insane monsters in the remote mountain village in Romania, it would be impossible to say that she wouldn’t have a happy life despite that. Perhaps its because the girl simply doesn’t know any better, so she doesn’t have the ability to see just how messed up her life and her 4 caretakers really are, but i imagine that Rose probably wouldn’t care very much to learn even if she had the opportunity. She’s a happy little girl living a strange but enjoyable life with the only family she’ll ever need. What more could she possibly ask for?

6. As for how Mother Miranda would play into this whole scenario I’ve just drunkenly spat out, im honestly not 100% sure. Ive seen some people suggesting that MM just kinda chills and lets the lords do what they want with Rose, but tbh I honestly don’t see that happening in this universe. MM would still have been just as crazy and driven to get Eva back as she was in canon, so i doubt she’d willingly standby and let her “false children” take away her one shot of getting her real child back simply because they didn’t want to hurt her, i just don’t personally see that happening. The two most likely scenarios i can come up with is that the Lords either banded together and look Miranda on together, their combined forces being enough to take her down and kill her, OR, Ethan is the one to take down MM like he did in canon but he passes out before he can get to rose, giving the lords (who he hadn’t ended up killing but just escaping from i guess) the opportunity to slide in, grab rose, and hightail it out of there, leaving Ethan’s body to be retrieved by Chris, who, due to not seeing or hearing Rose anywhere, believes that Rose must have been accidentally killed along with MM, which he later tells to Ethan and Mia. Regardless of how MM gets taken out of the picture (or if she’s given room to potentially come back later), the 4 lords retreat with Rose and begin the whole cycle I explained up above, but i did want to briefly address how I saw MM fitting into all of this since she is a vital part of the original story and the biggest obstacle to the lords having anything to do with Rose.

Anyways, that was so much longer than I intended it to be but I had so much fun with it just because it gave me the opportunity to spit some fun ideas and potential plot points out about this cool AU that I like and hope someone does SOMETHING with, please god someone do it, I’d do it myself but i have enough projects at the moment unfortunately. If you managed to make it all the way to the bottom, thank you for reading all of that, I appreciate it, and I hope you enjoyed at least some parts of this, and maybe even agree with some of the things I said. Feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments, I’d love to read them and hopefully if enough people like this maybe i will actually do something with it. Who knows? I certainly dont. Anyways thank you for reading all this, i hope you have a great day, and maybe ill see you around in another post. Bye!!! <3

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deathflm · 3 years

Text

BACK 2 SCHOOL — TOT

tears of themis teacher au!

warnings: unedited!😟

characters included: vyn, marius, artem, luke (in order)

note: had to read a 3 page french story then find every verb and say which tense it’s in, i’m in tears rn guys .. THERE WERE OVER 150 VERBS..

vyn richter

✩ psychology and sociology teacher (it’s surprising rlly)

— he would probably mark rather harshly, but would always try his best to help his students learn and improve.

— like in his personal story, vyn does care a lot for his students! he’s the kind of teacher who’d let students stay in his classroom during lunch no matter what the reason was, this would be the time where he’d also offer extra help, not only to the students in his class but also other psychology or sociology classes!

— he could be talking about the most boring concept yet somehow make it really interesting. he knows so much about psychologists, sociologists and their experiments that you would question whether or not he was actually there.

— he’d give out homework, but also give a fair amount of class time. the kind of “it’s only homework if you don’t finish it in class” teacher.

— not the kind of teacher to go off topic, so if you’re expecting to distract him by asking him about what he did on the weekend, that won’t work.

— gives tests after every unit and projects too! doesn’t force you to work with somebody else if you don’t want to though. i also feel he’d understand that some students might have social anxiety, and that exposure isn’t always the best for them, so presenting would always be optional in his class.

marius von hagen

✩ media arts ( ofc ) and fitness teacher

— if you don’t know what media arts is, it’s a combination traditional and modern arts! so, painting, sculpting, animation, digital art, and more!

— he’d give his students so much freedom not only in the classroom but also with their artworks. “do whatever, as long as it gets done,” typa beat!

— with fitness, he’d hype up his students even if they weren’t able to do the pull up or bench a certain amount. he’d never mark off of how impress your physical abilities were, he’d mainly (almost solely) mark off of participation because to him that’s enough! he knows some people just need the gym credit so he won’t push them to do fifty pushups or something, unless they set a personal goal to do that.

— due to his last name being longer than usual, he’d probably allow students to call him mr. m or something along those lines!

— he is definitely somebody you can distract for about twenty minutes when asking about his day, or what he does in his free time but he’s well aware you’re trying to stall time so you don’t have to do anything in class.

— he would take his art students and just crash vyn’s psychology class during a test every once and a while to spice up his work life.

— friday’s in his class would probably be a special fun day where he’ll pull up a random kahoot. at the end of the year or semester, the kahoot is about himself and whoever ranks first place gets a gift card.

artem wing

✩ law teacher

— one of those teachers that gets very stressed over any little thing but tries it hide it. assembly this morning? oh god, it’s gonna ruin the entire schedule for today. you were sick? that’s fine but how is he gonna catch you up.

— the moment summer break starts, he plans his lessons for the next year. he always does things in advance because he finds it very anxiety inducing when he has such a small time frame to get things ready.

— despite this, he’s still an amazing teacher! probably the best at speaking in front of the class. he always has these elaborate presentations, with some interactive examples along the way. he’ll actually stand up in front of the class as he goes through the slides.

— takes it very seriously to a fault and sometimes doesn’t realize when his students are making a joke. “what does that have to do with murder charges?” he isn’t mad, of course! he’s just .. really confused on how his students got from manslaughter to whatever dn is.

— would get bombarded with deez nuts jokes on a daily by his students AND marius. he’s not even safe in the staff room. he’d fall for every one too, even when marius reuses the same one he said two days ago.

— he would give lots of quizzes, but nothing that was a test. the quizzes, though being more frequent, wouldn’t weigh very much on your report card and are mainly for him to see whether or not you need extra help!

— he’s definitely someone you can trick into getting distracted, but instead of asking about his day, ask about a certain criminal case and that’ll keep him busy for the next hour as he’ll go into so much detail.

luke pearce

✩ biology and physics

— no tests or quizzes! sometimes papers and science thesis’, but mainly hands on experiments and projects that will last a week or so! more than enough time to accomplish them.

— students absolutely adore him, he’s extremely helpful and kind to those in and outside of his class! he’s the teacher that you don’t know at all that will cheerfully greet you in the hallway and wish you a good day.

— understands that physics can be really confusing so he tries his best to make it as clear but interesting as possible. always has so many examples in his head in case a student didn’t understand the one he gave.

— the kind of teacher that you can trick into giving you the answer to a question. just say you’re confused about a specific question and he’ll start breaking it down with you which will eventually lead to him just stating the answering without realizing.

— the teacher who would go to washroom mid period and leave some random student in charge. “don’t burn the classroom down!” he says as he leaves the burner that he was using to demonstrate on.

— would joke around with his students and could be easily distracted, wouldn’t even notice it until he was telling vyn about his third period and vyn would point it out. damn.. he really got out played by a bunch of freshmen.

ᵕ̈ ᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ່࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊ࠢ࠘𐡏⁻ ⁻ ⁻ ✧ ༝ 𝔡𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔥 ☠︎︎ 𝔣𝔩𝔪 ⁹₉⁹ ❤︎

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curly-bangtan · 4 years

Text

Heatwave Anniversary Drabble: i miss u like ... a lot (M)

[Heatwave // Godless // Heatwave Drabbles] <- read first! but this drabble can be read alone

Pairing: Taehyung x reader

Summary: One night until Taehyung is back from his boys’ trip but you miss him too much.

Genre: fluff, smut, kinda crack?, boyfriend/established relationship au

Warnings: unprotected sex (oc on contraception so don’t u do it), teasing over the phone, riding and grinding, just kinda vanilla i-missed-u-so-much sex, a particular selca

Word count: 5k

A/N: It was Heatwave’s one year anniversay on the 17th so I decided to write a quick(?) drabble for this. I fully intended on posting this on time, but wanted to change up some stuff so only managed to finish this now. Happy birthday to my first fic and forver my baby!

MOSTLY UNEDITED

The absolute one thing you hate most about your boyfriend being away from you is your boyfriend being away from you.

You have never been the clingy needy type, that is more his role in this relationship, nor are you really one to show affection. In fact, you would hate for that false image to be perceived of you because all that sappy shit makes you want to throw up your dinner. But one thing you’ve learnt since Taehyung had gone away on a week-long boys’ trip down by the coast is how cold the house feels in his absence, despite being in the middle of a sizzling summer.

Everything is so eerily quiet without his random outbursts into song and fits of laughter. Having spent 3 years living together, you have gotten so used to his constant presence that you had even caught yourself several times calling out for him only to remember that he isn’t here. Waking up without his arm draped around your waist, slided up your top at some point during the night, impacts you more than you’d like to admit.

Are you glad that he’s having a great time with his friends by the beach, relaxing all day and drinking all night? Of course. Are you having a great time all by yourself over here in the absence of your boyfriend? Certainly not.

Though, of course, this isn’t something you would confess to out loud, especially to him. He doesn’t need to know how often the thought: ugh fuck, I miss Tete is crossing your mind, lest you want him to rub his smugness in your face.

It isn’t just that. Your relationship hasn’t been without its tests in the course of its years and things have only finally stabilised. It’s not that you don’t trust Taehyung to be with his ladish friends for seven days, shirtless dusk till dawn, intoxicated to the point where he calls you thinking that you’re the pizza delivery guy but…

A hammered Taehyung at a beach full of girls who are no doubt thirsting over him leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You trust him to be loyal to his core, but you don’t trust anyone else to keep their hands from copping a feel. No matter how you look at it, you would just so much rather he be at home with you right now.

You have endured this for six days. Six full days without Taehyung. Six full days with no sex, no tummy kisses, no clammy hand holding even though you’re only to get groceries. Just one more night and this torture will fucking be over, praise the lord. But you also don’t know how much more you can hold back that I miss you text because you’re combusting from the need to see him again.

It’s almost 4am. Your sleep schedule is fucked and it’s really his fault.

The bright screen of your phone offers the only luminescence at this hour. Your messages from him in the past week have not been shy of your daily dose of Taehyung - clips of the beach (always mischievously caption with something along the lines of “thinking of Mykonos ;D” where you went on your first holiday together), selfies that you dwell way too long staring at because you miss that face buried in your neck, drunk videos of the antics him and the boys get up to that you’ll definitely chastise him for when he comes back yet can’t help but laugh at. You find yourself scrolling through them every single night.

Your personal favourite: a pouty selfie he sent you after he dropped his ice cream, the picture you always go back to and the one you’re staring at right now. His hair is frizzy from the sea, lips jutted out childishly and cheeks puffy. Your chest constricts, fuck...

Just one more night, you remind yourself. And then he’s back and all yours again.

Then suddenly, the phone in your hand vibrates, short and abrupt. The bar slides down from the top of your screen reading New Message from Tete. Surprised, you scramble to open it, maybe a bit too desperately for you to be proud of.

04:11

Tete: bby

You blink at those three letters, lips pressed together because your heart is cinching.

Tete: ur prob aslep rn but

Tete: i missu

Tete: <334

The typos indicate that he is wasted, and you take a guess that he has just returned from their last night out of the holiday. The corners of your lips turn up knowing that he is thinking of you right now.

You: no im awake

Your fingers are itching to reply with i miss u too, and it takes all your willpower and stubbornness to stay true to your steadfast self. There is just something so unpleasantly moist about these kinds of texts, something that makes you cringe and gag when you read them. You refuse to be one of those people. A heart is all that you allow yourself to reply.

You: <3

You: r u drunk?

Tete: drunk in love

Tete: yes

A giggle escapes you at his god awful cheesiness - drunk, sober alike. Insufferable. But probably Taehyung’s most endearing quality.

You: did u have fun!!

Tete: yeah

Tete: but i miss u

Tete: more than i had fun

God, you feel like a teenager again, suddenly overcome with this gushing urge to roll over and scream into your pillow. You’re glad he’s merely texting this to you right now because if he had said this to you face to face, your skin would most definitely stain scarlet from neck to hairline, scalding to the touch. Even months into officially being his girlfriend, these curveballs of overwhelming affection throw you off guard.

Again, the compulsion to tell him you miss him too yanks at your heartstrings. You truly don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to say how you feel, let yourself be soft and vulnerable. You know it’s one of your flaws so it’s something that you’re working on, but you can’t say you’ve made much progress.

But just as you decide that maybe you should take the plunge, suck it up and just text him those three words, he sends you a picture.

Tete:

No, not just a picture. A selfie, of him in bed, shirtless under the covers. “Oh, fuck…”

Hand clasped over your mouth to prevent any sound from involuntarily escaping, it takes a moment for your breath to return to you and for you to stop gawking. At this hour… Really? Is he seriously doing this to you right now?

His sleepy eyes. His messy curls. And his fucking nose mole.

The undoing of your existence.

Tete: this boy misses u :]

You: bruh

You: bruhhhhhhh

You: taehyung

Tete: oui my lady :))

You: 👁👄👁

You: can u not do this to my heart

You: y did u send me this </333

You: what was the reason

Tete: coz i miss u

Tete: do u like it

Tete: :D

‘Do u like it’... Actually, you have tears in your eyes, albeit mostly due to staring at a screen for too long so late at night, but it’s certainly contributed by this selfie. You tell yourself you’re acting out because it’s been six days since you last saw him. Perhaps Taehyung Withdrawal Symptoms is the explanation behind why you want to print and frame this picture because that is definitely not a normal reaction to a picture. But this is a masterpiece.

You: taehyung my soul left my body

You: like i could weep

You: u look so soft and fluffy

You: :’(

Tete: lollll

Tete: simp

This boy has some nerve?! Simp! He called you a simp?! Laughing like a maniac, you can’t even pretend to be mad at him, not after this picture he sent anyway. So you guess you are a simp. This selfie is your kryptonite.

Tete: jkjkkkkk

You: hahahaha

You: y r u doing this to me

You: its 4am

You: u can’t send me this rn

You: i won’t be able to sleep

Tete: o yeah how come ur still up?

Tete: go to sleepppp

You: can’t sleep

Tete: aw no whyyy

Because you miss him that’s why.

You miss Kim Taehyung. You miss Tete. You miss your boyfriend, your best friend, your other half. You miss his touch, his smile, his wide eyes when he’s confused. You miss his morning snuggles and late night kisses. You miss the way he hugs you from behind as you prepare your meals. You miss the wandering hands that he can’t help when you’re out in public. You miss playing PUBG together until the sun comes out then both sleeping past noon. You miss taking baths together where bubbles would get into your mouth as your kisses get heated.

You just miss him.

It’s only been six days and you’re in this state. What has he done to you?

Fingers hovering over the keyboard, you let out a great sigh and deflate. No other reason offers itself for you to be awake at this hour; he knows you cherish sleep above anything. Teeth digging into your lip, you inhale long and hard, then exhale the gust of your cowardice. It’s not that deep, stupid. Fuck it.

You: coz

You: i miss u

You: like … a lot

You: 🙄

It’s final - you guess you’ve become a mushy wet sap. Truly it is embarrassing how big of a step this is for you; but the sense of pride and accomplishment feels oddly validating. Baby steps. The eye-rolling emoji right after is subconscious because you could only betray the core of your character that much. Forgo it and taehyung might not believe that it’s you.

Tete: omg

Tete: :D

Tete: rrly?

You: *blank kissy emoji*

Tete: wow

Tete: u actually don’t know how hard i’m smiling rn

You: simp

Tete: ofc that’s my middle name

Tete: i miss u a lot too

Tete: like a lotttttt

Tete: i’ll show u how much when i’m back

Ah… Of course, the Taehyung specialty - smothering you with his affection. You freeze at the thought of his wildfire kisses and head between your thighs. Nothing screams of how much you’ve missed each other more than a good dicking down, climax after climax until you’re both panting messes of sweat and entangled limbs. The anticipation makes you squirm under the sheets, legs pressing together.

You: pls do

You: i need u

It’s uncertain what spirit has possessed you at this ungodly hour for these words to come out of you. There’s an instant flash of ickiness, but you let the self-cringing simmer and dissipate into the realisation that this is okay, this is normal. Taehyung’s your boyfriend, couples text like this. You need to grow some.

Tete: fuck baby

Tete: i’m so not used to u texting like this, it's driving me crazy

You: crazy how *cat smirk*

If you weren’t smiling before, you’re definitely grinning like an idiot now. His reaction is predictable, yet oddly still, an incredible wave of satisfaction hits you. And because you want to savour this moment, maybe give him a taste of his own medicine, you send him a picture of yourself.

Camisole strap slid off your shoulder, hair splayed out, bottom lip deep red from biting down on it too much. Just to return the favour.

Tete: y/n

Tete: call me now

-Incoming call from Tete-

Laughing to yourself, you wait a good few seconds before picking up to prolong his torture. “Yes, Taehyung?” You put your thumb between your teeth to suppress the laughter.

“Fuck.” Against the silence of the night, the low rasp of his voice permeating into you from the speaker of your phone sends tingles up your toes. You’ve fucking missed his voice more than you thought. “Y/N… You can’t do this to me.”

“I told you, I miss you. Like… a lot.” The saccharine tone in your reply is foreign to your own ears, but you like the sound of it and the deep rumble it elicits from your boyfriend.

“How much?” Taehyung eggs you on. His words are barely slurred, so you gather that he has sobered up at least for the most part by now. Yet there is still a slowness to it that suggests

“Hmm, like… I touched myself every night at the thought of you a lot.”

A sharp inhale. Then silence. But you know better so you give him a moment to gather himself.

“You shouldn’t be putting that image in my head.” Exasperation is evident in his voice, desperate and yearning. You can imagine him now, one hand on his phone, the other sliding over his pants that are getting a bit too tight for comfort. Your breath hitches.

“Then you shouldn’t have sent me that picture, Taehyung…”

“You said it was soft and fluffy. What you sent me back was not soft and fluffy.”

“Just because it’s soft doesn’t mean it doesn’t turn me on. You do things to me… okay?” Heat trapped beneath the skin of your cheeks, your grip on the phone against your ear slackening as your thighs rub together.

“Fuck, I’m getting hard, baby…” Nothing gets him going more than the knowledge that he turns you on, it’s his weakness but somewhat his strength.

“That’s… unfortunate. Are you going to do something about it?”

His gulp is audible even over the phone. “Uh…” A sigh. “Um. Maybe. Thoughts are being thought.”

“What kind of thoughts? Thoughts about me touching myself and moaning your name? Thoughts about how much I wish my fingers were your cock thrusting so deep into me that I feel it in my guts? Or are you thinking about what you’ll do to me when you’re back tomorrow? Fucking my mouth until I’m crying or filling me up with your cum first?” Your hips buckle at the filth leaving your mouth. This is more like you; you haven’t abandoned your nature after all.

“Oh, fuckkkk.” His moan resonates into your skull, not quite as if he’s here with you but good enough to fill your desire. “Y/N… I need you so badly.” Breath ragged, you hear movement of his sheets in the background as he adjusts into a more comfortable position.

“Are you stroking your cock right now?” A warm slick oozes out of your own entrance. There’s something about Taehyung masturbating to you that elevates you to a different kind of high.

“What do you think, baby?” As you listen closely, you hear the slow rhythm of his pumping, and your fingers ache to pleasure yourself. ‘The things I’ll fucking do to you when I’m back.”

“Mmm, but it’s late, Taehyung, why don’t we go to sleep.”

“Wait, what?” The stroking stops instantly and surprise in his voice releases a smug satisfaction into your veins. The equivalent of pouring a bucket of ice water over his head right now. Teasing is an old undying habit, what can you say? “You wanna end the call now?”

“Yeah, we should sleep, babe.” Grin unsuppressed, you turn over onto your side, probably a bit too pleased with yourself at your success. Taehyung is an easy victim always.

“What the fuckkk?” Your boyfriend groans. “You’re seriously going to tease me this hard then leave me high and dry?” When you offer no more response than a sly chuckle, he add, “You’re so evil.”

“Save it for tomorrow, Taehyung. Think about it, we’re one sleep away from seeing each other again.”

“Fuck, I know. But you just got me so fucking horny, bruhhh. I thought we were gonna have phone sex.” You are still laughing at his whining, basking in the victory you’re holding over him.

“Taehyung, save it for the real sex.” The idea of phone sex crossed your mind several times to be honest, but you really want to collect every single drop of desire and longing and unleash it tomorrow. Raw and pent up. Nothing to dampen the fire.

A sigh of defeat down the line. “You’re going to be the death of me, you know?” You know. “How am I supposed to sleep now though? I’m so rock hard that it hurts.”

“You can figure that out yourself, big guy.” Your cheeks ache from smiling for too long; they often do during calls with him. “One sleep away, okay?”

“Ugh, fine, you demon. I can’t believe you sometimes.” He lets out another sigh. Your heart skips at the anticipation of how he will punish you for this. “Good night, I miss you.”

“Good night, I miss you more.” There’s a sudden change of tone with these words. Because you truly mean it. Sex and physical intimacy aside, you really just missed his voice, his banter.

You fall asleep almost immediately.

You don’t think you’ve heard a sweeter sound than the keys rattling at the door the next day. Practically leaping off the couch where you had been awaiting him in your Taeyhyung-less boredom, you run to the door.

As it swings open, heat courses to your chest when your eyes land on his, so full of comfort. Your boyfriend is home. Handsome as ever, much more tanned than your memory of him and much more attractive. White t-shirt and loose black shorts, a mundane outfit that only he could make look exceptional.

And as much as you want to sprint up and throw yourself onto him, your feet stay planted on the floor.

“Hey.” You barely breathe out.

Stay calm and composed, you tell yourself. It was only one week without him, it’s not like he’s returning from war.

But Taehyung doesn’t even reply, because in two long strides he is standing before you, bags tossed to the side, a sign of their insignificance in the presence of you. His arms find their home circled around you, face buried in your hair before you can utter another word. You don’t hesitate to return his embrace, holding his waist as you let yourself fall into his chest. He smells like what summer should, the ocean, sweat and young love; his familiar musk greeting you as if he never left.

Your lips meet his, strong and full of intent. He’s so unexpectedly soft when he kisses back, a timeless romantic dance like he is saviour your taste on his tongue.

With your weight leaning on him, he slowly topples back, stepping hastily until your bodies land on the couch. You fit your legs on either side of him as you burrow your nose in his neck and breathe him in, memorise him. In nothing but a large shirt, your bare thighs are exposed for his roaming.

When you pull away and face each other, you are struck by his beauty. His skin is sun-kissed and glowing, hair an effortlessly beautiful mess, the slightest hint of a stubble peeking through below his nose. Your heart belongs to him forever, you know it without a doubt.

“You smell so good. I missed you so much, baby.” And his voice… That deep baritone honey that you have taken for granted all this time - music to your ears.

“Imissedyoutoo…” You mumble, shy under his undivided attention and mercilessly unbroken eye contact.

With your chests pressed together, his chuckle rumbles into you. “What was that?”

“I missed you too… I guess.” Face flaming, you can’t bring yourself to meet his eye at your admittance, fingers twirling around his curls to preoccupy yourself.

But he cups your chin and turns your face to him, forehead pressing up to yours until your noses are touching, breaths mixing. “That’s not what you said last night.” Taehyung smirks, hands sliding down to your waist, the material of your shirt bunching up in his hands. “Do I need to remind you?”

“No…” You find yourself unable to keep your eyes open, your core pulsing mercilessly as you grind onto him. “How are you already hard, Taehyung…” And though you mean to scold him, it comes out breathless.

Lips hovering, he traces the edge of your jaw, tingling the sensitive little hairs on its way to your ear. When he reaches the shell of your ear, warm breath infiltrating so relentlessly into you, you almost lose yourself right there on his lap. “Don’t you know how much I love you?” He whispers.

“Show me.” Is all you make out.

His hands are already beneath your shirt before you even notice, palms kneading into your breasts as he takes your nipples between his two fingers and rolls. As he kisses you again, the same tenderness exchanges between your lips. It’s a different kind of desperation to be so slow and gentle, one that means so much more than sex, one that’s telling of how much you truly missed each other. Your hips roll with a mind of their own over him. One hand of his comes down to your ass, guiding the waves of your rocking. And each time his stiff clothed member digs into your clit, you whimper into his mouth.

Carefully, Taehyung rolls you over onto your back, sucking your bottom lip to keep the seal from breaking. He pulls away when he’s on top of you, and a string of glistening saliva bridges between your mouths. “Foreplay or no? Tell me what you want?” Compliant as ever.

“I need you to fill me up right now. Anything else can wait.” You watch the devotion ignite in his eyes. His fingers are in a hurry as they pull your panties off, knees spreading your legs open as he kneels between your gaping entrance. He tugs his shirt off from the collar, such smoothness in his action that your insides coil up. His newly-bronzed rich skin revealed, you can’t help but reach up and run your hands down from chest to navel, revelling in his blemishless ridges.

A low sound reverberates from the back of Taehyung’s throat as your touch travels down to unbutton his shorts. They fall loose. His hard throbbing members springs free, a glistening bead oozing from his slit. “You didn’t wear boxers?”

When you glance up, you notice his sheepish grin. He presses his mouth onto yours, still smiling, guiding you back onto your back. “I just couldn’t wait.” Taehyung whispers. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, especially since last night… Ah, fuck.” Another deep groan erupts from him as you reach down and slather that bead of precum all over his tip. His head falls onto your neck, writhing under your merciless stroking.

His tip brushing against your clit, your toes curls at the teasing of your weakness, hips jolting up involuntarily and perhaps a bit too violently. You’re so embarrassingly sensitive after this many days without Taehyung, and he notices from your breathless reaction. Smirking, he takes his shaft in his hand and runs his stiff head over your clit mercilessly. And as you roll your head back helplessly, he nibbles onto your exposed neck, faint stubble grazing your skin.

“Quit the teasing…” You whine, unable to withstand the build up of twisting pressure begging to be fulfilled between your legs. “Just put-”

Taehyung pushes himself into you so abruptly that you yelp. And there it is, that mind-melting stretch of your walls that you’ve so much missed. “Fuck, Taehyung…” Your entire core feels ablaze, so numbing that your nails dig into the leather of the couch before they find grip on his arms.

“Like that, baby?” His voice his strained, as if he’s struggling not to lose his mind as well.

Nodding because you can’t make out a word as he slowly pulls out, you grab his face and pull him up to meet your lips. You whimper into him mouth when he rams into you again, hitting your walls in full force, no mercy. His kiss doesn’t lose its sincerity despite the juxtaposition of his vigorous thrusts, though you can’t say that he is quite as gentle with as before. You pinch his bottom lip between your teeth, sucking on it as your fingers get lost in his hair.

After seven days of deprevation of his cock, your cunt is leaking with the fluid of your arousal, aiding in the ease of each plunge. You feel the stiffness of his ridges pulling you open as he slides in and out of you. “Fuck…” He pants, mouth hovering over yours.

“Let me get on top.” Taehyung’s eyes flash at your suggestion, instantly rolling onto his back. He slips out during the switch of position and the wetness of your cunt is assailed by a sudden rush of cool air.

You swing your leg over and mount him, watching him watch you pump his dick, your own liquid slathered over him sticky in your hand. Letting his member fall against his abdomen, you grind over him between your folds, hands splayed out over his chest. The friction created each time your clit would slide over the thin pinch of skin where his tip unfolded into his shaft has Taehyung a groaning mess.

He looks remarkable under you.

You push his sweat-dampened curls out of his forehead, eyes half closed in euphoria, half watching you roll your cunt so lewdly over his length. You know you could make him cum like this if you continue. But you want him to cum inside you first, you want to feel that thick hot spurt of his desire shoot again and again into you until his cock is twitching.

So slowly, lubricated by your wetness, you sink inch by inch down until the skin of your ass meets his thighs. This angle fuck with your mind; you think you feel him at your cervix. Then your hips start to do what they know best, pounding over him with a rhythm that you’re proud of.

Taehyung grabs hold of your waist, your breasts, fury in his eyes as he watches you ride him with such determination. “I love you so much.” He heaves between heavy breaths.

“I love you, I missed you more than you could imagine.” You huff, thumb running over his red swollen lips.

“I love when you admit it.” He sits up and takes the swell of your breast in his mouth, making his way to your nipples where his tongue relentlessly flickers over.

Your thighs are starting to burn, core aching because his cock is thrusting up into you so deep that you feel it in your guts. The signs are appearing - your vision is going hazy, walls squeezing tightly around him, tangle upon tangles knoting in your stomach. His are too - his head is slumped against your chest, arms crossed behind your back as he holds you close to him, whole body starting to tense as he begins to curse.

Pace quickening, you don’t let the tire of your muscles stop you from your chase. The slap of your skins ringing in your ears, you keep riding, cunt swallowing his cock whole each bounce. Taehyung breaks first. “Fuck!” He calls out into your neck. His cum squirts into you, pulse after pulse, your boyfriend’s hips jolting each thrust.

“I’m so close, babe, keep going for me.” You plead, knowing how sensitive he is right after his climax. He nods wordlessly, face still buried in you hair. The lubrication of his cum abolishes any resistance, letting you slide over him easier than sitting down. And not five thrusts later, your own coil snaps. You through your head back at the wave of pleasure that drowns you, your entire core on fire as your moans echo through the room. It takes maybe twenty seconds for your walls to stop throbbing and for the orgasm to slowly die down.

Taehyung is already growing limp inside you after his orgasm. “Thank you.” You whisper against his forehead while you dismount. His cum flows out of your slit and down the insides of your thighs, but he refuses to let go of you.

When he looks up, you are struck by an overwhelming sensationf of adoration. His long dark curls fall slightly over his eyes, in disarray but just the way you like it. His eyes are so full of genuine love and gratitude of having you that you can’t help but capture him with your lips. “No, thank you.” He mumbles against you, falling back onto the couch with you in his embrace.

After a long kiss of after-sex affection, you pull away before it leads to a second round. “I want you to know that I really missed you a lot. I can’t even call you a big baby anymore because I stared at all the pictures you sent me every night till the sun came out.”

Taehyung’s boyish smile melts your heart. You’ve missed him way too much. His smile, his goofy comments, his tender kisses. “My heart… is squeezing…” If his smile doesn’t tell how smitten he is, his eyes definitely do. “I missed you so much too. All the boys made fun of me for being such a wettie ‘coz I couldn’t shut up about you.” The thought is so endearing that you can’t help but hide your face.

“So how was your trip? Plenty of hot girls drooling after you?” Trick question of course, you know that for a fact already.

“Haha, it was good, fun. Bet you couldn’t sleep ‘coz you were trembling from jealousy.” Scoffing you land a smack on his chest. “But nah, no hot girls. Nowadays there’s only one hot girl in my eyes.”

Your own lips spread like a cheshire cat. “Shut up, cutie.”

“Rachel McAdams.”

“Let go of me. Don’t even touch me.”

A/N: Moral of the story, never sit on their couch if you’re a guest at the Heatwave house.

24/08/20

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isoldmysoultojonahclemence · 3 years

Text

Clemence Father

JONAH’S ROUTE JUST CAME OUT ON IKEREV TW AND I’M ON PART 12 AND I RLLY WANNA CAUSE SERIOUS BODILY HARM TO JONAH AND LUKA’S FATHER RN. I TALKED ABOUT HIM BEFORE ON LUKA’S EVER AFTER POST HERE BUT NOW IMMA TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN BC BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE’S AN EVEN BIGGER ASSHOLE IN JONAH’S ROUTE.

BUT ANYWAYS HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED.

SPOILERS FOR JONAH’S EVER AFTER UNDER THE CUT

(ps the screenshots all have that orange recording button bc i want to look at them without having to go through the entire route again. sorry if they’re kinda annoying!)

Aight, so Jonah proposed to MC (well, he kinda just announced that MC is his fiancee from now on but whatever), and he decided to bring her to the Clemence house for this party to meet the family. Luka was there as well, standing in a corner. MC kinda wanted to join him in the corner as well, but Jonah dragged her off to meet his relatives. But they all seemed to dislike MC because she’s not from a good background.

Then, this dude enters the scene:

[Translation:

A dignified-looking man walked over here, looking at me, who is standing by Jonah, in surprise.]

And then, when Jonah goes to introduce MC as his fiancee, his father cuts him off by saying that he never heard of Jonah having a fiancee before. Like, Jonah was in the middle of a super serious and sincere introduction and his father just interrupted like that in a super cold voice. I was already starting to dislike him at this point, but I didn’t wanna fight him just yet.

Also, here’s something that kinda surprised me:

[Translation:

(His looks seemed to be similar to Luka’s, but his disposition...

(It seemed to be 50 times scarier than Jonah when I first met him...)]

I found it kinda weird how Luka actually took after him in terms of looks more than Jonah did??? Like, my original headcanon was that Luka didn’t actually look very similar to his father, which could be part of why he was ignored so much, but I guess he was ignored even when he looks like his father. Ouch.

Also, whenever the Clemence father makes an appearance, the thing that MC talks about the most is how scary/stern his disposition is. He must be someone really ruthless to warrant that kind of description.

After that, his father goes on to guess that Jonah had made the decision to bring MC without consulting anyone in his family because he knew that his decision would be opposed. I suppose that Jonah’s father does know him quite well, but it actually unsettles me more, because he seems to have no regard for the effect he has on his sons. Like, Jonah literally had to fight to keep his head up under such pressure.

So Jonah goes on to explain why he chose not to tell anyone about it, but his father interrupts him AGAIN with this huge speech about how the Clemence bloodline cannot be mixed with a bloodline of unknown origins. They have kept his tradition for hundreds of years, and that every single heir has accepted this fact and chose to marry someone of high social standing.

Jonah, naturally, was pretty angry, and told his father that he has gone too far. But guess what? This dude ignores him YET AGAIN and tries to convince MC to marry Levie instead of Jonah. Seriously. No wonder Jonah never listens to anyone else if this was the role model he had. I’m really starting to grit my teeth at this point.

Also, something concerning is how Jonah’s father knew that Levie is after MC, since that was classified information. Jonah confronts him about him, but he brushes it off by saying that he was the former Queen of Hearts and he has all the information sources he need. I wonder how powerful he was when he was Queen if he was still so influential in his retirement. And yeah, he totally strikes me as the sort of guy who would order Claudius to assassinate people...

But anyways, Jonah’s father tells him that he’ll pretend as if he heard nothing and walks off, even though Jonah tried to tell him that he wasn’t finished yet. What a guy.

Jonah leaves MC with Luka and goes after his father. Luka takes MC to his room and tells her something really sweet. He tells her that to trust “that guy” (Jonah) and to wait for him, which really showed his reliance on his older brother. Like, even though he rejects Jonah a lot and avoids him, deep down inside he still believes in Jonah.

And after a few parts we get a flashback where Jonah recalls the conversation he had with his father after he goes after him, and this is where my blood starts boiling.

So the Clemence father reminds Jonah, in a pretty harsh way, that when he had rejected marriage alliances in the past, he has always said that he’ll find someone better. He then goes on to call MC “that kind of person” (as in, a person of low birth and social standing), and Jonah gets pretty mad at him for that:

[Translation:

Jonah: Even if you’re my father, I cannot allow you to call her “that kind of person”...!

Clemence Patriarch: Don’t change the topic!

Hearing his father’s roar of fury, Jonah wasn’t scared in the slightest, and instead glared fierily back at him.]

I find it kinda interesting how the game refers to Jonah and Luka’s father as “the Clemence Patriarch” instead of “Clemence Father” or something. That would probably make more sense, because the term “Patriarch” can refer to a grandfather, an uncle, a cousin, etc., not necessarily a father. But I guess this highlights how his identity as a patriarch is prioritized before his identity as a father.

And then this scene happens:

[Translation:

Clemence Patriarch: Whatever you say! There is nothing more to say, get out.

Clemence Patriarch: In order to prevent the failure of the first, we still have a second.

Clemence Patriarch: I will disown you as my son, and make Luka the heir of the family, and then he’ll be the one to marry a high-born noble lady.]

DUDE WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT??????????? YOU CAN’T JUST DECIDE THAT YOUR SON IS A FAILURE WHEN HE DOES ONE (1) THING AGAINST YOUR WILL AND TOSS HIM OUT AND MAKE YOUR OTHER SON THE HEIR???????????????????

Honestly he makes Jonah and Luka sound so expendable, and that’s really not okay. They’re human beings, his own SONS, not an object to be thrown away when it served its use. Like, if I had any doubts about why Luka left his family before, this scene just explained everything. Who would want this guy as their parent?????

And of course, as the best nii-sama in the world, Jonah caves.

[Translation:

Even though he wanted to follow through with his own ideals, he couldn’t let his important brother, Luka, be sacrificed.

Not only would Luka have to bear the burden as the heir, a burden that he has been bearing for many years,

And he would marry some lady who he has never met before, this absolutely cannot happen!

Jonah: Just this one thing...please don’t do it.

Jonah could only bend to his father’s will.]

JONAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY POOR BBY LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

He’s literally in an impossible position right now. If he wants to marry the love of his life, he would have a sacrifice his precious brother, and if he wants to protect his brother, he would have to sacrifice his fiancee. If he wants to keep them both safe, then the only real solution would be to leave the Clemence family.

Come on, Cybird. Y’all made him turn against the Red Army in his original route and now you’re making him turn against his family now??? When will the torture for Jonah and his stans ever end??????????

And here’s a few other lines from the Clemence Patriarch to disgust you:

[Translation:

Clemence Patriach: I am a generous and maganimous person.

Clemence Patriach: As long as the Clemence bloodline is protected, I don’t care if the heir is you or Luka.]

......I literally have nothing else to say.

Istg this dude is the worst parent in the Red Army, and the Red Army is already brimming with awful parenting skills. Lancelot’s father pretty much neglected him and Edgar’s uncle straight-up abused him, but you could still tell that they cared about their sons in their own little twisted ways. Lancelot’s father eqipped him with all the skills he would need to be King, and Claudius took all responsibility for the Bright family business in the end, protecting Edgar. And then we have the Clemence father who’s all like: i MaDE TwO kIDS foR a reASoN anD ThAt iS To HAVE ONE OF THEM REPLACE THE OTHER/USING ONE OF THEM TO THREATEN THE OTHER IF THEY MESS UP. ALSO NEITHER OF THEM MATTERS APPARENTLY BC THEY’RE BOTH JUST TOOLS FOR CARRYING ON THE BLOODLINE.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

I get that this is only part 12 and he’s probably going to have a redemption scene or at least some whitewashing at the end, but STILL. I really, really, really, really, really don’t like Jonah and Luka’s father.

#ikemen revolution #ikerev #jonah clemence #luka clemence #clemence father #clemence patriarch #ikerev jonah #ikerev luka #i literally hate him so much #i thought claudius won the a+ parenting award #but nah #this guy obliterated him #best nominee no doubt #god i hate him so much

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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“Dear pregnant, glowing, happy friend,

Let’s cut to the chase: Yes I did ignore the scan photo, the maternity pictures where I’m sure you’re gently holding your swelling bump & gazing wistfully into the distance (I haven’t looked to be honest) and your invitation to the baby shower. There are no hearts or comments from me on those. I’ve put you on mute.

You have plenty of friends, half of whom are pregnant like you so I hoped you wouldn’t notice, but you clearly have. I hear you’re a bit upset with me over this. I’m honestly not a horrible person, so here’s why you’re suddenly dead to me, and I hope that you can try to understand:

I can’t stand looking at pregnant women at the moment, and unfortunately I can’t make an exception for you. Yes, you’re more than a walking womb – you’re my friend & we’ve got history, so how dare I ignore you just because you got pregnant, right? What kind of evil witch does that?

This cuts both ways though – as my friend you know exactly what I’ve been through trying to get pregnant. You see, I’m currently an infertile woman and you’re a pregnant woman, and absolutely everyone is happy to throw my mental health under a bus to make a fuss of you. Including you. I’m expected to suck it up for you, but it’s the end of the world if I expect the same consideration. That’s just the way it is apparently – I don’t make the rules.

We have all said “Be kind!” but do we mean it?

It doesn’t matter how much we say “be kind!” and “mental health is important!” when you’re a woman that’s not able to make babies. My mental health matters less than a like on a picture of a scan to some people – and definitely less than a party. You can withdraw our friendship because you think that I owe you the appropriate amount of fawning over your baby shower, even though you know I’m in the middle of IVF. Yes, that sounds appalling, I’m not proud of saying that, but as I will continue to mention – this is a mental health issue – it’s not about manners.

It is not your fault that you don’t understand what’s going on with women like me, and I’m not actually mad with you for that. I’m mad with a society that treats infertile women like they’re selfishly making a fuss, if they dare to try and excuse themselves from the carnival of joy that follows a pregnant woman into the office and beyond. That seems to forget about us & then gets annoyed when it’s reminded that we do exist. That can laugh kindly and be understanding about the emotional behaviour of a pregnant woman, but is quick to label us selfish or drama queens or jealous, if we are sensitive about trauma triggers such as pregnancy. It feels like we’re pitted against each other somehow, and it’s so unfair. We have phrases like “hormones” and “baby brain” to ensure that we make space for a pregnant woman’s reactions and emotions, but we don’t have a way to tactfully say to pregnant women “Hey, maybe you should give your friend with fertility struggles some space and not shove that big old pretty bump in her face right now!”

Of course pregnant women are in a vulnerable and unique position, and pregnancy is hard and of course we should all look out for them. I’m just saying – anonymously, because I know how deep this goes in society, that maybe we don’t have to routinely disregard the mental health of infertility sufferers, for the sake of special parties and social niceties? Those things could take place without us. You could graciously excuse us from all of that, if you knew how deep our suffering runs.

Instead we’re expected to fawn over people who (innocently) trigger our deepest feelings of sadness and anger, with a fake smile on our face and a congratulations card – and I’m sick of it. We’re all sick of it, but I’m just especially sick of it at the moment. I don’t deserve it – and you don’t deserve this bitter version of me that exists at the moment. What if I could just say hey – congratulations but I’m just having a hard time with this because I can’t get pregnant myself. You could say “OK, good luck with that. Not going to be offended if you don’t get involved right now, but you’re always welcome in the future!”

What if we could handle infertility vs pregnancy better?

So we don’t currently handle it that well, and I’m going to miss your whole pregnancy, and that’s obviously a big deal, right? I don’t actually want to miss a huge chunk of your life, but here’s the kicker – I have to. For my mental health. Because it’s just as important as your mental health. You, as a woman who hasn’t had fertility issues, and apparently got pregnant just by glancing at your husband’s penis in the shower- have no idea what’s happening to me. You will think – as society tells you to, that I am being bitter and uncaring and mean because it’s just in my nature to be like that. That I’m making it “all about me”, when I actually just want to slink away unnoticed. But why would you know any better if no-one ever tells you this stuff or talks about it? Can we just bloody stop this merry-go-round and get real about it please? I’m not mean or uncaring – I’m just struggling with pregnancy. Including yours.

Give me a pass for heaven’s sake. I couldn’t even cope if my cat got pregnant right now, never mind someone I went shopping at Tammy Girl with. Pregnancy is deeply, horribly triggering when you desperately wanted a baby and tried your hardest, but instead you had a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, a failed embryo implant, an ectopic pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons or a stillbirth. Show me a woman with fertility struggles who hasn’t had at least one of those. A scan is the very last thing you want to look at. A baby shower is the last place in the universe you want to be. But I’m not allowed to simply say “Thanks so much for the invite, truly happy for you but can’t deal with pregnancy RN because I’m doing IVF again” in case it impinges for five seconds upon your fairy-tale. I wonder if I’ll be the same if I ever get pregnant. Probably not, knowing what I know now.

Fertility struggles have given me a new perspective

So what is it that I know now? That infertility is traumatic. That IVF is mentally and physically hard, and it doesn’t always work. That it can cause relationship strain and feelings of inadequacy and mental health challenges galore. Financial struggles. Hormonal drugs. Constant stupid comments from people who don’t understand. There’s something else too.

Women with fertility issues have to track everything – periods, ovulations and appointments. They are often acutely aware of how old their own lost and maybe-babies would have been at any given time, as well as the ongoing sense of loss they experience from not being able to have a baby. Nature has a really cruddy way of timing baby showers in the same month as our due-dates that never were. Your baby shower is two weeks after my due date 2 years ago. I should be bringing my nearly 2 year old with me. See, I told you we track everything.

Do you really want me to explain that I’d be bringing the baggage of my lost child with me to this party? Do I owe you that? Or could you, you know, just be understanding that baby showers might just be a little bit hard for someone that’s been trying to get pregnant for longer than you’ve known your husband?

So that’s my confession, and I’m going to passive-aggressively post it on my wall and hope that you read it. I can’t come to you with my truth, because I’d risk “stressing you out” and “making it all about me” if I did. I can’t just suck it up, because my mental health is too fragile for that right now. So here I am as a woman with fertility struggles, asking for a little understanding from my friends. Can we call a truce? Can we be more honest with each other? Can we accept that pregnancy is wonderful for you but hard for others? As a woman trying so hard for a baby, I live in hope.”

https://bestfertility-now.com/letter-to-my-pregnant-friend-your-happiness-and-my-mental-health-are-not-compatible/?fbclid=IwAR2YARsPG6r_GLntyasTkwhf_fVJ_XTfG6YbMX6BEdpa6BGOlh9jR1EaB5g

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bangchanstudio · 4 years

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Never Have I Ever | Changbin (2/?)

pairing: seo changbin x fem! reader

genre: university au, awkward friends to ? something more?, smut, mild angst, dom!changbin tendencies?, oral (giving)

tw: sex..ish

word count: 4.6k

ch.one // ch.three

synopsis: you couldn’t for the life of you remember what the fuck happened at the party that made Changbin avoid you like the plague. your friends clearly succeed in their quest to get you drunk, but now you’re left wondering what happened after you went into that room with Changbin. It bothered you so much that you ended up at his door step in the middle of the night looking for clarity, instead you found yourself in other shit.

note: again, i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing, but i hope you like it! I’m going to start a taglist for this, if you want to be added let me know in the tags or send me a message!

“What the hell was that?” No one would look at you.

Seungmin was sipping on his iced peach tea looking rather interested in his nails, Jinnie was clearing his throat and touching up his face in his little compact mirror, Felix was playing god knows what on his phone and Jisung was just straight up staring at the ceiling.

“Hello?” You said, snapping your fingers in everyone’s face. “Is no one going to answer?”

Seungmin looked at Jinnie, who in turn looked at Felix who just shrugged before saying, “She’ll find out eventually.”

“What will she find out eventually? That my friends are all backstabbing assholes? Well, she already knows that!” You massaged your temple remembering the events of the night before. Never have I ever, admitting your secrets, sitting on Changbin’s lap, and then worse: getting locked in the bedroom with him watching explicit videos before being allowed freedom. There was something else… but your mind was too fuzzy to remember exactly what.

Frustrated you reached for your phone that was face down on the cafe table, mumbling about how unfair all of this was.

Jisung sighed before wrapping his arms around your shoulders, snuggling his cheek to yours, “Don’t be upset, (Y/N). We were just trying to have a little fun.”

Out of all of your friends, the one you couldn’t ever be mad at was Jisung. There was just something about him that made you want to protect him, he was funny and sweet. He was always the first one to notice when you were upset and made it his personal life goal to make you smile. While, you had never been mad at him before, you were pretty close to being mad at him now.

“Fun at the expense of my sanity?” You pouted accepting Ji’s hug and snuggled into the crook of his neck. Your eyes locked on Hyunjin’s who was seated across from you, his beautiful chocolate brown eyes that looked lighter today. They were loud and calculating. You could tell he was, for once, thinking of what he should say.

“Yes, because your sanity is exactly what I plan on destroying.” He smirked his mean girl smile before excusing himself for his next class.

One by one everyone left until it was just you and your laptop. There was an empty word document pulled up on half the screen and the other half was displaying the most recent chapter of Freaking Romance webtoon. Studying wasn’t your strong suit and neither was focusing on a single task for more than a few minutes at a time.

“What an asshole,” You mumbled to your screen, clicking your pen ferociously.

“Oi,” Chan greeted before dumping a textbook on the table startling you and causing the pen you were beating to fall to the floor.

Reaching over to grab it another hand beat you to it. You looked up and came face to face with Changbin.

“Shit,” you said. You tried sitting up straight too quickly and bumped heads with him on the way up, “I’m so sorry.”

Idiot! Why are you being so jumpy? You scolded yourself, rubbing the top of your head that clashed with Changbin’s. Your cheeks turned red as the memory of you sitting on his lap last night came rushing back. The way his eyebrow raised when you drank to kissing a girl, the way his eyes fixated on yours as you drank to “Never have I ever thought of someone else while having sex”, the way his hands clenched in his jacket pockets up on the rooftop, to following him into the bedroom to watch p*rn, to… what else happened? Your memory was still too fuzzy to recall anything other than his back as you followed him into the bedroom. The feeling of a memory being just out of reach annoyed you.

“I just came to give this back,” Chan said placing the book he borrowed next to your laptop. It was Hermann Hesse’s “Demian”, you let Chan borrow it at the start of summer, you honestly thought he had lost it or threw it away.

“It took you six months to read one book? I thought you threw it away or something.” You laughed, flipping through your old book remembering when you had read it for the very first time. Now, it smelled like Chan’s room. “Anyways, what happened last night? I don’t remember much just waking up on the couch, but no one was home.”

Under normal circumstances and to normal friend groups that might not have been the weirdest thing, but to your friends that was abnormal. Everyone knew the passcode to your apartment and you often found one or multiple of the guys there unexpectedly. When you had your get togethers everyone stayed over, always, at least until noon the following day or whenever you had classes. This morning was the first time you woke up after a party to an empty place.

“Oh, we just-“ Chan started before being interrupted by Changbin dragging him away by his backpack. You weren’t sure, since his cap was hiding his face like usual, but you could have sworn his face was… red.

“Sorry (Y/N) we’re late for something and I gotta steal this guy.” Changbin shouted before rushing out the door, Chan practically fell over in the process.

Well, that was weird.

—

Changbin was avoiding you, again. This time you knew for sure he was avoiding you. It had been 2 weeks since your get together and anytime he so much as spotted you within a 20-foot radius he would turn on his heels and disappear. No matter how hard you pushed for someone to tell you something, no one budged. Everyone insisted that you both went into the room, watched one video and that was the end of that. If that were true then why was Changbin avoiding you like the plague?

Was he really that freaked out over watching some vanilla p*rn?

“(Y/N), can I ask you something?” Chan was cooking breakfast in the kitchen while you finished citing your sources for Lit.

“Mm?”

“You know Changbin likes you, right?”

Your fingers stopped typing, eyes snapping over to Chan from the table, “He what?”

Chan came around placing a small plate of eggs and toast in front of you before taking a seat. “Changbin likes you.”

Maybe smoking really was bad for you after all. “I’m sorry, what did you say? I thought I heard you say that Changbin likes me.”

A nervous laughed left your lips as you sipped at your morning coffee. The warmth soothing your building nerves.

Chan was giving you that look again. The one where he lets you see the honesty in his eyes and on his face. He was really handsome, like really handsome. Even though you started out having a crush on him, that quickly faded into pure platonic love for him after the first few months of being friends. He was too kind and pure for you after all. Chan was good; you doubted you were. No matter how much you searched his face, his eyes, his lips for a twitch or some kind of giveaway that he was lying, anything.

There was nothing.  He was telling the truth.

“Seo Changbin, likes you.” Chan said, emphasizing every single word as if to get it through your thick skull.

You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head, “If that were true, then why is he avoiding me?” You didn’t mean to sound so annoyed, especially when it wasn’t even Chan whom you were annoyed with, you couldn’t help it. Part of you felt like this whole party had been a set up just to embarrass you.

Chan raked his hands through his hair in mild annoyance, but he usually wasn’t one to get annoyed in the first place so any time he displayed any type of annoyance it made you flinch. “I don’t know, (Y/N), why don’t you just ask him?”

That was a lie.

The blinking of the line where you left off typing was your only source of distraction. You didn’t want to look up. Why am I like this?, you thought, just talk to Changbin. Stop making things awkward.

—

It was late probably close to midnight. Your whole day was spent contemplating Chan’s words, flipping them around and upside down. Picking them apart and putting them back together to form “Changbin likes you.” Before you realized what you were doing you found yourself outside of Changbin’s apartment. He transferred a week into the semester which is why he wasn’t placed with one of the guys.

“Can I help you?” You jumped as a tall guy appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He had a backpack slung over his shoulder and textbooks in the other.

“Oh, s-sorry, I was just looking for a friend.” You stuttered waving to the door.

“Does this friend have a name?”

“Changbin.”

The guy nodded telling you to follow him inside the apartment. He said something about it not being wise to leave a girl out in the cold. After you stepped into the warm apartment you were grateful. Your thoughts had consumed you to the point of not even grabbing a jacket when you left your place. He said his name was Sam and that he was going to be gone that night, so to feel free to stay over. You blushed and told him he was mistaking the situation. Sam seemed nice enough.

He called out for Changbin as he walked into his room.

“I’m in the shower!” You heard Changbin call out.

“There’s someone here to see you!” Sam called back.

“Be out in a sec!”

Sam gave you kind smile, “Make yourself at home, I just came to get change of clothes.”

He was in and out of his room in seconds, leaving you alone in the quiet apartment, the only sound coming from the shower. Changbin had music playing in the bathroom and you sat nervously on the couch, scolding yourself for coming here in the first place.

It’s not like you planned to confess your feelings for him. Maybe you just wanted things to go back to the way they were, back to those long afternoons in your high school hideout where everyone laughed and cried together. Where you fought and made up. Where you did homework and tried cheap drugs together. Back to when you didn’t fear holding onto Changbin, in that dark forest, because you trusted him with your life.

The click of the bathroom door opening broke through your thoughts.

“Oh, it’s you.” Changbin was shirtless, with only joggers and a towel wrapped around his shoulders. You tried to avert your gaze as fast as possible, biting your lip to keep yourself from squealing, your face flushed. How could he be so hot? His arms looked bigger than Chan’s now, and his chest could no undoubtedly be dubbed the eighth wonder of the world. “What are you doing here?”

“I just… came to see you.” Great response. There was no way you could stay here, “Maybe I should come back later, I didn’t realize it was this late. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I ended up here…”  “No, it’s okay. You can stay.” Changbin said stepping closer before realizing he was still half naked. He lifted his towel from around his shoulders to dry his hair, “Wait here, I’m just going to grab a shirt.”

When he came back he offered you a glass of water, apologizing for not having anything better like tea or coffee.

“It was my roommates turn to do the grocery shopping but he’s pre-med and forgets shit easily.” He said from the opposite side of the couch.

You sat cross legged facing him from your side. Just being this close to him gave you those annoying butterflies in your tummy. Changbin mindlessly flipped through the channels of the TV before deciding on a horror movie.

“So… why are you really here?” You were expecting the question from the moment you stepped foot into the apartment, but still hadn’t worked out a decent answer. Changbin turned to face you straight on for the first time that night.

His face was unreadable, the way it usually was. Damp hair, dark eyes, fresh skin.

“I came to ask… if I did something wrong at the party?” The surprise was clear on his face, he wasn’t expecting that. “I don’t really remember anything after we walked into the room other than what we were suppose to do. And well, I feel like you’ve sort of been avoiding me since then. I know we don’t really talk anymore, but it just seemed like you were actively avoiding me these days… I just thought maybe there was a reason.. ?”

Changbin searched your face before looking down and smirking. “You really don’t remember anything? Like.. at all?”

You shook your head, the worry in your chest building. What if you said something pervy or worse, tried to seduce him? The thought made you visibly shake.

“Nope, nothing.”

He shrugged, “We watched porn. You chose. It was a pretty good video. After that I left and you stayed.”

Something still felt off, there was still something missing. While, you didn’t know Changbin’s tells as well as you did Chan’s, you still felt as if he was holding something back, “Really? That’s what Seungmin told me but I just feel like there’s something missing.”

You squinted, and spaced out before bring the glass of water up to your teeth and tapping it slightly against them.

The only memories that seemed to comeback were feelings of heat and something grabbing your jaw…

“Oh my fuck!” You shouted as a blood curling scream echoed from the movie scaring you half way to death. The mostly full glass of water you just had was now empty in your lap, your white t-shirt and jeans soaked. “Shit, I’m so sorry.”

Changbin laughed as he got up and helped you, taking the glass off of your lap and placing it on the side table.

“Why are you apologizing to me? You’re the one who’s drenched. Come here, I’ll let you borrow some clothes.” You followed Changbin into his room. It was painted a dark grey and decorated with the basics: a bed, desk, recording equipment — of course — and a laptop. There was something else on his desk that caught your attention.

It was your high school Photo ID card, senior year.

“You still have this?” You asked smiling and turning to show him the card. It was customary for friends to trade Photo ID cards at the end of school years, usually middle schoolers and high schoolers did so. There was no particular reason why you gave yours to Changbin other than the fact that he was the first one to ask you for it. Jisung pouted for days afterwards, but you reminded him he had your junior year ID card. He still didn’t give it up easily.

Changbin’s cheeks turned a light pink, “Oh, yeah. It’s cute.”

“Didn’t really take you for the sentimental type.” You mumbled bitterly before placing the card back on his desk.

“What is that suppose to mean?” There was hurt in his voice.

When did he step closer?

“I just figured you weren’t that sentimental…” You trailed off distracting yourself with looking around his room, anywhere but at him. “You didn’t seem to care.”

The words slipped out before you could swallow them. You squeezed your eyes shut, exhaling. “Maybe I should just go. Coming here was a bad idea.”

You tried brushing past him but he caught your wrist with a tight grip. He didn’t pull you back, but he didn’t let you go either.

“I’m sorry… for leaving.”

Your eyes widened in shock.

The truth was, it wasn’t all his parents fault. He could have stayed if he wanted to, but he didn’t. You didn’t find that out until later though, one night when Jinnie was too drunk for his own good and was scolding you for not trying to move on. He called it the worst break up to never exist. Whatever that was suppose to mean. There was no hiding your true feelings from your friends, they all knew you were in love with Changbin, even if you were too stubborn to admit it to yourself. It was stupid, you were nothing to Changbin, he didn’t have a reason to stay in the first place.

“The truth is, I was scared of falling in love with you… so I ran away.” His grip tightened around your wrist, you wondered if maybe he’d cut your circulation.

His words made your heart sink.

“Am I really that terrible, that you’d rather leave than want me?” Your voice was small, the tears you were trying so desperately to keep at bay were blurring your vision. Your fists were clenched tight, you could feel your nails leaving moon marks on your palms.

“I was scared of hurting you, (Y/N). That’s why. There are things about me that you don’t know, things I’ve never shared with anyone. Things I’ve done that I’m not proud of. Things that could have hurt you, things that could have put you in danger. Not only you but everyone else too.” His voice was so full of pain, all you wanted to do was take it away.

You turned to face him, he was breathing a little heavier, and his voice was shaking. In that moment it was as if you were scared teenagers again.

“You didn’t have to push us away like that, Changbin. We could have helped you, we could have come up with a plan or—“ You weren’t sure what he meant by putting you all in danger but you knew if you were all together, there was nothing that could stop you. “Why didn’t you let us in?”

The tears spilled over, running down your cheeks, your voice was weak. You covered your mouth with your freehand closing your eyes trying to center yourself again, trying desperately to get a hold of yourself. There was nothing worse than letting people see you cry.

“I didn’t realize..” Changbin didn’t finish his sentence, instead he pulled you to his chest wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his face in the crook of your neck, “I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

He was warm.. he always was. You could feel his heartbeat racing, and his breathing hitch as if he was trying to hold back his feelings too.

You hid your face in his chest, sobs escaping your lips, fists clenched on the hem of his t-shirt. Minutes passed; it felt like hours. Neither of you spoke a word, instead the room was echoed with your small sniffles. The sound of Changbin’s heartbeat returned to normal after awhile and you felt like you could sleep for days after that long cry.

“Sorry for crying,” It took you a minute to find your voice, “I think I’m going crazy.”

Changbin brushed your hair to the side, “Stop apologizing. It’s okay. I’m the one who is sorry.”

You looked up at him, still with his arms around you. His eyes were soft and mesmerizing, they reminded you of home. His lips were also pretty and plump, you wanted so desperately to feel them against your own. Just once…

Before you could stop yourself you reached on your tip-toes to meet Changbin’s lips. They were softer than you imagined, like silk or cream. He tensed under your touch before you felt him relax and close his eyes. His hands at the small of your back pushed your body closer to his, your still wet t-shirt making you shiver.

Or was it his touch that made you tremble?

You brought your hands up to his hair, fluffy and soft from being air dried. What started out as a sweet and small kiss soon turned into a deeper and hungrier affair. Your were starting to moan slightly into his mouth when he pulled back.

“I didn’t realize this is what kissing you would feel like.” He breathed, pupils dilated, his breathing was shallow. “Can we keep doing this?”

You nodded pulling him back into your lips, teeth teasing his bottom lip, you felt him smile. Changbin walked you both backwards before finding the edge of his mattress and sitting on it, back to the headboard.

The wet of your clothes was making you shake so you unzipped your pants and pulled them down, kicking them to the side. There was a tshirt folded up on Changbin’s night stand that you grabbed pulling it over your head and on top of your wet one. Then you pulled your arms into your wet one taking it off without revealing yourself to him any more than you already had.

“Nice trick,” Changbin laughed as you discard the wet t-shirt. His fit you big like a mini dress, you felt cute in it brushing your hair behind your ear. “Come here.”

He grabbed your hand, pulling you onto his lap. His body was warm and strong. You felt shy straddling him and couldn’t help burying your face in his shoulder and squealing.

“What are we doing?” You whined making Changbin laugh, the vibrations of his chest running through your hands.

“Whatever you want, baby.” He chimed.

You straighten immediately, “Baby? Since when am I baby?”

“Ever since you made your way onto my lap.” He was so cocky, it turned you on.

His lips crashed on yours with more fever than before, his hands gripping your cold thighs before making their way up and squeezing your ass. He moaned at the feeling of his hands on your skin, the sound was sweet and filled your ears with pleasure. His tongue teased your lips before you granted him access to meet yours, teasing him with your tongue before letting him dominate. You giggled at the sensation, making him laugh too.

“What?” He asked his voice getting lower and raspier, you could hear the smirk in it. “Do you like it when I win?”

“Maybe.” You confessed. You weren’t exactly a full dom, but for Changbin all you wanted was to be a sub. You laid your head on his shoulder, catching your breath. He grabbed your jaw forcing you look him in the eyes.

“What do you want me to do, baby?” His fingers were rough against the skin of your jaw, your eyes wide at the motion. His eyes were so dark, so lusty, so hungry for you. “If you tell me to stop—.”

You shook your head viciously, “No, it’s okay. I wa—“ You stopped yourself from sounding so desperate, what the hell was wrong with you.

“What do you want, baby, come on.. don’t be shy.” Fuck, his voice was so sexy saying those words.

You closed your eyes trying to control your lust.

Bad move. Changbin squeezed your jaw harder with his hand. “Look at me when I talk to you.”

Look at me when I talk to you.

Suddenly, your memory came rushing back from the night of the party. You remembered watching the video, getting hot. Changbin saying how pretty your lips would look around his cock. The way he slipped his fingers in your mouth and your tongue wrapping around them. The way he held your jaw in place as he threatened to dominate you.

How badly you wanted to taste him.

You opened your eyes with new hunger pouring out of them.

“Didn’t you say something about wanting to see my pretty lips around your cock back at the party?” You asked knowingly. Changbin looked at you in shock, his jaw opening before composing himself.

“Did my hand bring back your memory?” He asked cooly.

You nodded biting your lip. “Do you want me show you?”

His bulge had been growing since the moment he saw you in your wet white t-shirt.

“I’ll take whatever you give.” Changbin said making himself comfortable against his pillows.

You moved off of his lap and wasted no time in pushing his joggers and boxers down his thighs, exposing his hard, warm cock. You tried hiding the surprise on your face but nothing got past Changbin.

“What? Like what you see?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“It’s nice.” You admitted before taking him in your hand, testing the waters. He was bigger than you thought, thicker and longer. You were confident in your skills at sucking someone off but you actually wondered if you could even take all of him in your mouth.

Guess there was only one way to find out.

“Fuck, baby that feels so good.” Changbin hummed, his hand taking a fistful of your hair trying to guide you. He definitely did not fit in your mouth, but what didn’t fit was compensated by your hands. You hollowed your cheeks, always mindful of your teeth. Your tongue swirled around the tip before taking as much of him in as you could. You looked up to find Changbin watching you, making eye contacted just made you wet your panties even more so than they already were. His hips bucked into your mouth making you gag. The sensation causing Changbin to throw his head back, releasing a string of curses under his breath and mentions of how pretty you looked.

You took him out of your mouth with a pop to take a breath, but kept the pace with your hands.

“Do my lips look as pretty as you imagined?” You asked, innocently batting your eyelashes. The move was slutty but it made you feel sexy.

“So much better than I could have imagined.” He groaned in pleasure as you took him in again, deep, gagging, “Fuck, you really are good at this.”

“Mmm.” You mused, the vibrations making him buck his hips into your mouth again.

You could taste his sweet precum start to spill out the sides of your mouth, and your jaw started to ache but that didn’t stop you from sucking and licking his length. You could tell he was getting close to his peak by the way his breathing started to shallow out, the way his hips seemed to buck more frequently. His moans coming faster and louder.

Before he could break, he yanked you off of him by your hair, the pain rushing through you.

“Fuck! Changbin, what the hell was that for?” You shouted rubbing your scalp.   “I was about to spill in your mouth,” He said as if he was doing you a favor.

“You could have just said so!”

“Shh!!” Changbin said covering your mouth with the hand that was previously tied up in your hair. You squinted your eyes at him, but then you heard the front door click and footsteps approaching Changbin’s open door.

“Hey Changbin, sorry for stopping by so late but could you do me a fav— holy shit!” Chan shouted covering his eyes and turning around. “Shit I— I’m so sorry!”

It would have been easy to hid what you were doing if it wasn’t for your face being so close to Changbin’s lap still and his dick hanging out.

“Chan, what the fuck!” You shouted throwing a pillow at him.

“What?! How was I suppose to know you were here?” He asked defensively, flinching from the pillow but still facing the opposite direction.

“Get out!”

“Yeah sorry, oh my god. I’m leaving, fuck this. You guys are crazy. You avoid each other like the plague one minute then I walk in on this.” Chan muttered to himself all the way to the front door.

You and Changbin stared at each other processing what the hell just happened. Well, what the hell just happened in it’s entirety.

“What the fuck..” Changbin said, cracking in to a smile first and laughing.

“What the fuck.” You echoed laughing harder, still in shock of your best friend walking in on you sucking a guy off.

But not just any guy,

You just sucked off Seo Changbin.

#seo changbin #changbin #skz #stray kids #changbin x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids scenarios #changbin scenarios #seo changbin scenarios #skz scenarios #changbin smut #changbin imagines #seo changbin smut #skz smut #skz hard #nhie2 #nhie #myfic

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starrysky-whumpfics · 4 years

Note

Uhhh I can’t think of a sentence rn, but can I request a comfort/fluff piece for Dmitry and Anya?

OMG YES. LOVE THIS YES. Also rip, I’m sorry that this is late. 😭 Literally life keeps hitting the chaos button

This is an edit of one of my very first fanfics for the Anastasia musical! Also featuring my OC Alexei, as he is technically an OC for this fandom, but I also use him apart from it so that my writing doesn’t stick to one fandom always. Hope you enjoy though and thank you @starnight-whump for requesting!

——————————————————————————

The fourth of December, Alexei Dmitriyevich Sudayev was born to parents Anastasia and Dmitry, blessing them with a child that they would swear to love and provide for.

It had now been two weeks since then and Anya was taking a brief moment to study herself in the bathroom mirror, her eyes looked so tired and weary, a side effect of endless nights awake. She also began noticing all her scars, ones from the past and some a result from pregnancy. So many of those scars haunted her, reminding her of all that she lost and of the life that she used to have. She hadn’t realized before though just how many there were, how much her trauma had affected her appearance, or her self-esteem. She usually didn’t care much about her appearance, it wasn’t all that important to her, but lately, with the stress of the new baby and navigating this new phase of life, it was something that just happened to cross her mind.

Dmitry would never let her forget how beautiful she was to him though. Every morning when they awoke he would press his face to hers and mutter “You’re so beautiful” to her before kissing her forehead softly. She smiled to herself thinking of it, but soon that smile faltered. He hadn’t done that since Alexei was born. Maybe it was because he always graciously tended to their child in the early morning to let her sleep, but even that possibility didn’t really help her feel much better. There was always a small thought lingering in the back of her mind. ‘I chose him, but did he choose me?’ Dmitry tells her all the time that he’s been in love with her ever since that day when he was ten and she was eight. But that was the Grand Duchess Anastasia he had fallen in love with, not Anya.

Anya laughed to herself out loud. “I’m being ridiculous. I am Anastasia as much as I am Anya.” She murmured to herself quietly.

Anya was finally interrupted from her moment alone at the sharp shrill of a babies cry, little Alexei had woken up from his afternoon nap. She quickly made her way into the living room where his crib was situated at the time being before being intercepted by Dmitry.

“Don’t worry I got this one. You should go back to resting, doctors orders right?” He said with a smile.

Anya shook her head and bent over the crib to pick up their son, cradling him in her arms to soothe him. “It’s been two weeks, I think I’m plenty rested enough to care for our child.”

Dmitry just shook his head and carefully picked up Alexei from Anya’s arms despite her attempted resistance.

“You look exhausted Anya, did you even sleep last night?” No, but she wasn’t admitting that now.

“Be careful just grabbing him! You’re going to drop him doing something like that.” Anya quietly quibbled, not wanting to cause the finally calmed, and once again sleeping Alexei to start crying again.

“I’m not going to drop him, you act like I haven't raised a child before.” Dmitry retorted back, also speaking in a hushed whisper.

“As far as I’m aware, you haven’t!” She argued back with an eye roll.

The whispered debate went on for a few more moments, but ended, as per usual, with them kissing and briefly apologizing and then going back to the daily routine.

Dmitry loved Anya. Everything about her made him feel like the happiest man alive. Even when they fought he loved her, because when she was angry this fiery look took over her eyes that pierced right through him like a thousand swords. Anya always had this shining glow about her that seemingly changed depending on her mood. A mixture of orange and red when she was angry, yellow and blue when she was happy, purple and blue when she was upset, and green when she was entranced and euphoric. She was green when she looked at him, when they kissed, when he said he loved her. But today, today was different. Today she seemed gray, even during their small spout of bickering earlier she was gray.

“I know that you worry about me, you just worry too much. I can take care of myself sometimes.” She had said to him when he had asked how she was doing, sounding concerned for her. A long time ago, Dmitry had claimed that worrying wasn’t like him, but that had been the greatest lie of all time because worrying was all he did. ‘Is Anya okay? Is Alexei okay? Am I okay? Did I leave the water running?’ All that aside, he would make sure that she was okay tonight. He was going to put all other personal issues that he may have aside and make sure she was happy again. Because as long as she was happy, he felt that he was as well.

When evening rolled around, Anya and Dmitry were praying silently that Alexei would sleep through the night, also knowing that was like praying for a miracle. When they themselves were ready for bed, Anya went to turn off their bedside lamp, but Dmitry stopped her.

“Anya wait. Can we talk about something first?”

“I suppose, but tomorrow when you say I look tired again I’ll be sure to remind you that the one who told me to sleep more kept me up longer.”

Dmitry just jumped right into what he needed to say.

“I know that you said everything is okay, but I can tell when something is wrong. I just need to know that you’re okay because I love you and I want to help you if something is wrong. You don’t have to hide anything from me. I’m not going to laugh or get mad. I’ll just listen and then say whatever really needs to be said. And if you want, I won’t say anything but just know that I’m here for you.”

He sat up next to her, placing a hand on hers. Anya sighed and decided to give this a try.

“Have you had a thought that maybe didn’t make any sense at first, but the more you think about it the crazier it gets but at the same time, becomes more and more true to you?”

Dmitry nodded in response, allowing her to go on.

“It started with these,” she showed him the old scars that had been plaguing her mind, then the new ones that only made the matters worse, “and then I noticed you weren’t doing that thing you used to do every morning. And I know that’s ridiculous to be bothered by but it just had me thinking even further about us as a whole.”

Her voice trailed off and almost shuddered when she realized what she was leading up to say, the words that had been trapped deep in her mind for so long. An arm wrapped around her, and the sense of a cold hand touching her shoulder comforted her. Dmitry’s hands were always cold.

“Am I enough for you? You fell in love so long ago with Anastasia, the girl of your dreams. And sure, I used to be her a long time ago but now I’m just Anya aren’t I? Anya who has scars on her and in her mind, who isn’t as perfect as she used to be, and who isn’t what you were hoping for? I know I can’t be everything, but I want you to be happy too. You always say how much I gave up for you, but never what you had to give up for me.” Anya could feel her eyes filling with tears and wiped them away.

“I try to be her every day for you and at first it started so easy but it’s so hard because as much as I remember now, it’s never going to be enough to be who I was.”

Anya was lost and confused, more than ever. She discovered who she used to be almost three years ago, but she never bothered to discover who she was now. Who was she in this mix between Anya and Anastasia?

“I didn’t want to tell you any of this because so much time has passed that it just seemed too ridiculous to even think that it was on my mind.”

She regained her composure to try and act like everything was okay now. But the sound of a low and worried “Anya…” from Dmitry brought all of the emotion rushing back.

Dmitry looked at Anya crying and knew he had to say something. Strong, radiant, and confident Anya crying was the most heartbreaking sight for him to see.

“You are everything that I want Anya. You shine in so many ways and if you could see yourself the way that I see you, you would just be amazed. Those scars that you’re so worried about mean so much, because they show that you have survived and how strong you are, and they are a mark of how we now have a family. I love everything about you. I love you for who you are now and I’ll always love you no matter who you are. Whenever I see you smile, any doubts or fears that I had just go away because just knowing that you’re here with me is enough. I see you shine and I know everything is going to be alright. You aren’t ‘just enough’ for me because you’re more than enough. I love you Anya, please don’t forget that.”

Dmitry felt unnatural and vulnerable revealing so much emotion all at once, but he needed her to understand. He then felt arms wrap tightly around him, knocking him over slightly, but he just wrapped his arms right back around her.

“I will never forgot that Dima..” She said softly, the use of his childhood nickname making him just as weak as it had the first time she ever used it on the bridge.

“There are so many shadows in my life but you shine through all of them. That day on the bridge, god it feels so long ago now, that was the first time I felt home. I know now that everything is going to be alright as long as we’re in this life together.”

Dmitry pulled out of the tight hug and kissed Anya on her forehead.

“You’re so beautiful. And if you ever need reminder, I’ll be your mirror, and you can even be mine. Just look to me and you’ll see just how much you shine.”

“Thank you….” Anya whispered quietly. “Thank you for everything.”

The two wrapped each other in their arms and didn’t say anything out loud. They just sat on the bed and held each other tightly. Hours passed and the only thing that caused them to break apart was the sound of a cry from the living room. Anya and Dmitry untangled from each other and stood up to tend to the baby, they held hands all the way to the crib. And eventually the night ended with all three of them curled up on the couch as a happy family.

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wri0thesley · 3 years

Text

many many anons under the cut bc i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring them and i wanted to respond to u all! warning for small text too, it was so long i wanted to make it look smaller fgbnjkgkjn

Anonymous asked: NAT... you can write WHATEVER you want! It's your blog, and I hope that rude anons can learn to respect that. I used to be on your blog just for jjba content too, so when you started getting into jjk I was indifferent but eventually you dragged me into jjk so hard!! I already like bnha, so seeing you write for it only made me happier! I hope that you continue to write whatever make YOU happy:) ❤and yes, longer fics certainly doesnt mean it's better, quality over quantity

ahh i’m happy that you are here for all three!! i always feel so accomplished when someone is like ‘your constant screaming made me think about jjk <3′. all three of the fandoms are fairly popular and i tag everything v carefully so i hope people who do use the filtering find that useful!!!

Anonymous asked: Goodness gracious. People really be out there thinking they're entitled to dictating what kind of content you should be making

i think part of it might be that i do take requests so people feel like they have like . . . a certain right to certain kinds of my content? i take requests mostly bc they keep me motivated, i like making content for ppl who cant find what they want bc i’ve Been There, but maybe people think i am a pushover? idk i am just trying to have a good time!!!

Anonymous asked: Hi. I only started following you a few days ago but please ignore that rude anon. People are so fucking entitled towards writers it's insane. I recently had someone throw a fit for "spoiling" something in my fanfic, even though the fic was about a manga-exclusive character, so what did they expect?? Overall I've really enjoyed your writing so random assholes coming to guilt you is just a shitty thing that happens. Keep going with what you wanna do.

ah gosh anon i’m sorry about that :(. i’m always super careful tagging spoilers and stuff but like, if someone clicks on a fic about say, naoya or the steel ball run boys and is mad that i spoil something they havent found out yet . . . yeah thats on them fgbnkjgfkjn

Anonymous asked: That...that anon had the nerve to say "we". The fuck?! No no no anon, YOU'RE the only one talking and you're just talking for yourself, don't you dare try and lump us other anons/followers up with you to make yourself look like you're right. We love you nat and we appreciate you. It's your blog, you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever. This brain dead anon just needs to either go read someone else if they're that salty or write their own stuff if they're that impatient.

gosh i WISH some of my mad anons would just write their own stuff honestly. idk if this anon thought they were talking for everybody but i guess they expected anons to agree with them and not be mad at them. i appreciate u anon ;_;

Anonymous asked: Just want to say that ily and you’re one of the best jojo fanfic writers in my opinion 💗 I don’t think you’re half assing jojo fics and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you being multi fandom. A lot of jojo blogs have started posting about jjk so it’s not as if you’re the only one. I’m not sure why you get hate like this but I think it’s just because you’re one of the popular writers and that makes people bitter for whatever reason. Keep being you and posting about the things that make you happy 💕

honestly after so long writing for jojo - i’ve written well over 200 jojo reader insert fics - sometimes it feels like i’m retreading stuff, and that’s when i take a break bc i dont wanna half-ass stuff!!! i love all of my fellow jojo friends who are posting about jjk too, i appreciate them <3.

Anonymous asked: Hey my dude, ur writing has really grown since the jojo days and its better and awesome seeing u become happier to branch off and write in different fandoms 🤌🤌 those stupid anons are just boring farts that couldnt be bothered making their own content 😤😤 is it possible to block them to ease ur mind?

hello anon!! i run a statcounter for IPs but it doesnt always work for ppl who access through the tumblr app, i don’t think; a lot of the anon hate i get i just use the ‘block’ option, but last night got to me because i’ve been getting that kind of writer a lot which is . . . a bad look for the jojo fandom who are, as a whole from the ones i’ve interacted with, lovely!!! <3

Anonymous asked: People often forget, the person behind art or writing, is just another regular fan. You deserve to be happy with what you create and we should be thankful you share your talent with us. You also have right to change your main interests, and it's very normal thing. Jojo is one of the MANY things that you write for and all you get from that is a like or share. Its not your job. It's your fun thing to do, in spare time. You haven't betrayed anybody. That person was just rude, selfish and bored.

i am just a person doing my best!!! anime fanfic is one of many interests i have and i already devote a lot of time to it honestly, i love when people tell me they’ve enjoyed something i made bc it makes it feel worthwhile but equally it gets to me a lot when people are rude because i am usually trying my hardest.

Anonymous asked: Bro that jjba anon... the entitlement🤮 Fam, you write whatever you want to write😤 -Saturday

dfnjbkjnkgf i find most fic readers are NOT entitled at all and are just grateful but when they are . . . oof.

Anonymous asked: It's funny how people throw "we got you popular" and they think you start apologize and cry. Your writing and passion made you gain few numbers on a follow counter, nothing more. I think I'm too old for stuff like this, we are nothing more, but +1 on a number scale. You ow us nothing, we ow you nothing. Popular... Funny word. You just write for fun of it, fake scenarios about someone's manga characters. It's not that deep. Have fun and don't listen to people like this. I knew it's not that easy, but they are really not that important as they think they are.

extremely fun fact for people who think ‘popularity’ is important to me: i would 100% rather have 10 people who regularly comment, reblog my fics with tags and interact with me than 100 people who read my fic and either leave a like or simply move on. i think this is true for the VAST MAJORITY of writers tbh. i’m glad that people think i am a ‘popular’ blog (i am not in the grand scheme of things, one of my ex-best friends used to run a kpop reader insert blog with like 30,000 followers) bc it gives me an ego boost lmao, but i really just want people to read and enjoy the stuff i write!!!

Anonymous asked: I followed you a while ago for jojo and when my friends started getting into jjk i was like...eh sounds like work...but now that I see you writing for it I feel really motivated to get into it!!! I really enjoy your writing and I want to be able to read the new stuff too!

ah anon i really hope you like it!!! it’s only one season rn if u wanna watch the anime and there isn’t too much of the manga to catch up on either but it is a lot of fun and it’s nice to be in a fandom that’s like, excited about a new chapter and new plot developments every week!

Anonymous asked: Pls dont reply if u dont want to! <3 I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you or not but this is the kind of thing that often helps me and is the only way I know to try comfort others so I wanted to give it a go~

Now im not gonna say 'dont feel bad pls' bc I know that's not really useful but what I do think is useful is just discussing why that anon and many others feel the need to respond that way. As someone who follows a lot of writing blogs myself and have done for a long time, i've seen my handful of favourite writers come and go for different reasons, lose motivation for a while, gain motivation for a while, go from multi to single fandom, or single fandom to multi. Often times as a reader it can be upsetting when things change but it's also important as a reader to understand that some things aren't in anyone's control, I can't control what my favourite writers become a fan of or lose interest of, I can't control things in their personal lives that may motivate or demotivate them to write, but what I can do is support them as long as they're active, and if they move on to do things i'm no longer interested in or i'm the one that changed interests, rather than being upset that they're evolving to do other things or that they're not evolving with me, I think it's important that I still feel thankful for the works that I enjoyed while we were still on the same page and this is how I personally deal with those negative feelings. I think the anons that lash out at you probably just dont know what to do with themselves, maybe they got attached to your works while you were still only a jjba blog and now that you're evolving they're upset, while I understand how they feel, they're going the completely wrong way about it. I've learned to take these things and turn them into something positive for myself or at least something bittersweet that I can move on from but the anons that lash out at you for whatever reason probably haven't learned this yet. Maybe it's because i've moved on and changed interests a lot myself that I know how these things go for both writers and readers but those anons maybe haven't experienced this as much so they dont know what to do with themselves other than complain that you've changed and throw insults at you in an attempt to get you to revert back. None of this is because of the quality of your writing like they want you to believe, it's literally just because you've evolved and while some of your old followers might not like the new content for no reason other than it not being their cup of tea, it's definitely not regressed at all. You are pumping out a lot of content right now but every single thing i've read has just been better than the last. Things that really stand out to me is how well you get characterisation down to a T and all of your dialogue is just on point and from the pov of a reader I think those things seem the hardest to get right so I am such a huge fan of your stuff at the moment and I can tell you're really putting so much thought and care into each and every fic no matter how fast you're producing it, I think the fact that you're also proud of what you're writing at the moment really shines through as well and I just adore the passion that radiates from every completed request as well as in the responses for the subsequent thirsts resulting from these works that appear in your ask box later (I know i've sent quite a few by now~)

Just to be clear i'm not defending those anons in any way, while I can understand what they might be feeling/why they're reacting in the way they are I still believe it's just so immature to be hateful online point blank. Even during a time where I still got upset with writers if they started doing something else I still never targeted that negativity directly to the writer and sending rude or hateful comments whether on anon or not never something i'd stooped low enough to do even when I still had an immature way of thinking, however, I hope that it might make it a little easier to brush them off if we try and understand what they're really upset about, and that they're just putting the blame for their negative feelings onto the wrong thing rather than coming to terms with change themselves.

hello anon!! i appreciate the long message. i do feel bad for people who have no interest in what i’m currently producing and i get that they feel upset about it; i’ve watched a lot of fellow jojo writers move on completely or just stop posting, honestly. this kind of thing is why i was so intense about asking people if it would be better if i made a separate blog but the resounding answer seemed to be ‘i’m just vibing with whatever happens and i’ll block tags as needed’.

i often return to works by my favourite reader-insert writers who no longer write for the fandoms i like (and i read stuff bc it sounds interesting or i trust the person who writes it), but change can be difficult and i guess at this point i’ve - whether u like me or not lmao - been a fixture in jojo reader-insert tumblr for a While so it’s probably kind of jarring.

anyway i really appreciate you and the nice words! <3

Anonymous asked: hi nat! I just wanted to pop in and say that regardless of what fandom you write for, the love and care you pour into your writing and into interacting with followers who care about your work as well is really obvious. you're doing this for FREE and people should appreciate what you've given us so far, since ultimately this blog should be for you, whatever that means to you at any point in time. it's ok to jump fandoms! the important thing is that you feel good about what you're producing and that it makes you happy. everyone else is just a bonus - but, seeing you on my dash certainly makes me happy : ) I hope you feel better soon!

thank you anon! i’m feeling much better and happier today. birthdays are very difficult for me (i did not think i’d be alive at eighteen, much less 25!) so this event is definitely kind of a way for me to concentrate on something else, and i’m a little bit extra sensitive atm. i appreciate you so much, thank you for the kind words!!! <3

Anonymous asked: Hello! I just wanted to say, write what YOU want and make YOUR writings as long as you'd like. 💖 To the anon who is like "We mAdE yOu FaMoUs dOnt HalF asS iT" stfu, let people do what they wanna do. If you think they half do it, write something better and longer you asshat.

this is an open invitiation to that anon to send me a link to their writing blog and i’ll hype them up i promise <3

Anonymous asked: nat i'm so so sorry about that ask please know that your older followers don't share the same opinion :( sometimes people forget about the living, breathing person behind the screen smh. you are not a machine. you absolutely should not restrict yourself to posting about one fandom forever. yes, we're first pulled in by your amazing content, but we stay for your wonderful personality and work ethic. please just keep being you, taking up projects you feel comfy with! <333 bless u

ahh thank u anon! unfortunately i actually am a writing robot, i’m sorry u had to find out this way. my jojo chip has been removed, please send it back so i can continue to not half-ass my jojo work. fgnjkbgjkfn thank you so much angel!!! i appreciate you ;_;.

Anonymous asked: i don’t think it’s fair for other people to say shit about what you choose to write about because on tumblr and other writing platforms, writers are constantly developing how they write and the fandoms that they write for. it’s not fair for someone to criticize that “you don’t care about jjba blah blah blah” because you can enjoy new shows/manga. and like you said you’ve grown so much!! proud of you nat and im glad that ive been able to read your works (sincerely other nat)

i am STILL waiting for you to come and fight me other nat fgnjkbnf. it’s nice to be enjoying different things! i am constantly learning new things and reading new works and making new friends and improving and i think that’s important. i do care about jjba - a lot! but i can care about other things too! <3

Anonymous asked: I may not be one of your oldest followers, but i've been here for almost 3 years. Yes, i started following u for ur jojo content, but let me tell u, ur newfound motivation and enthusiam for other fandoms was honestly contagiuos for me. And i say this as a person who finds very difficult to move from one interest to another. Jojo is great, but so are other fandoms. Please don't let some faceless scum rob u that motivation. This is ur blog and u r always free to write whatever u want.

honestly, i have been there! i am autistic and i have special interests and watching other people move on to stuff i’m not vibing with has made me sad in the past, but i want people to be happy more than anything and sometimes that means new things and change! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I saw that rude anon message & I just wanted to pop in & say that they're wrong. You're not betraying anyone & you should write whatever it is you want to write. I followed you for jojo & I'm not familiar with the other fandoms that you write for, but personally it makes me SO happy to see you enjoying new things! It's always good to find joy wherever you can, so keep writing what you're interested in. There a lot of ppl who want to see you happy and healthy <3

honestly the idea of it being a GRAND BETRAYAL is so funny, i am just writing anime fanfic here and thriving!!! tysm anon! <3

Anonymous asked: Those anons can piss off! They have no right to judge how long or how short your writing is. If they want longer content write it their damn selves. I think your writing has improved wonderfully and I originally followed for Jojo and I'm enjoying all the content period. I don't even watch jujutsu ( not my cup of tea personally) but I love seeing the creativity and the interactions. You write what makes you happy Nat and that's on that! You don't owe anybody anything! I know how hard writing is and when your consuming new content it's hard to make content for something else. That doesn't mean you don't like it any more your just doing something different for a while. Love you and your content and I'm enjoying the love your putting into your content whether long or short. ♥♥💕 Sending love your way!

honestly my idea of ‘short content’ is still over 1k words, i’m not good at reeling myself in! i guess it’s bc they see like, 1.5k jojo fic versus 5k jjk fic but it’s not that i didn’t enjoy the first fic, just that the point and the story came a lot quicker and so did the natural end! thank you anon, i appreciate you ;_;

Anonymous asked: Hello! Just wanted to let your know that I think your writing is awesome, and that you should write for whoever and for whatever you want to! You dont have to stay loyal to one fandom or anything, and your followers shouldn't expect that from you! It's not like they are paying you to write, you are doing this for free, and because you enjoy it and it makes you happy! If they dont like your stuff, they dont have to follow you, they can go to other blogs that cater to their taste, and they definitely don't need to be sending you such hurtful comments, and they dont get to make you feel sad about your writing! Just because they followed you during your earlier stages of writing, doesn't mean you owe them some type of loyalty or compensation! You can write literally whatever you want as long as it makes you happy! That's what your hobby and your blog are for! I hope you know that alot of your followers love your work and think that you are an amazing writer and are down to support the work that makes you happiest! 💖💖

ahh thank you so much anon!!! i am always so bowled over by how many people are nice to me when something like this happens, i am sending you my love <3

Anonymous asked: don’t listen to them!! we love you as a writer no matter what you write, because you’re a good person and a talented writer!! you shouldn’t have to change what you write to please a bitter person, and if they only want jjba, they can go to another blog instead of bringing you down. you’re doing amazing and they should be thankful you grace us with your talents!!

to be totally honest, if i was half-assing or not vibing with content i was making i just. wouldn’t post it. like you’d be able to TELL when i was half-assing stuff just to get words out (source: i have re-read my own nanowrimo works). there are lots of great jjba blogs who could do with more followers n interaction!!! i hope they do find them and i hope they’re nice to them :(.

Anonymous asked: Please don’t pay attention to that anon. People only have that confidence when they have anon turned on. Them looking through your blog despite feeling that way is peak fan behavior and speaks to how addicting your writing is. Naturally, you can’t please everyone and there will be people who are irrational and feel entitled to tell you what to do or what to write no matter what. Trust me when I say they’re a small minority and are more likely probably passing viewers rather than regulars. I check your blog about three or more times a day because I love reading not just your fics but also your takes, banter with other anons, or even random updates. Brainrot posts? LOVE TO SEE IT!!! Desk update? AMAZING!!! With that being said, don’t feel pressured to continue pushing out content for others. Write what makes you happy! You’ve been writing for JJBA for 4 years and it’s completely normal + healthy to get into new media. I’m not sure if it would mean much, but your love for JJK has gotten me excited to start it too!!

anon i really hope you enjoy it!!! sometimes these anons remember stuff i’ve posted and said better than i do tbh, i am living in their heads rent free i guess!

Anonymous asked: I've been following you for a couple of years and honestly it would always be a joy to see when you posted. Your writing has improved and I'm very happy you're enjoying yourself ! I know it hurts hearing and seeing stuff like that but I'm happy you're here. I'm honestly blessed everytime you post. Your writing is phenomenal. I love reading it even if its characters that I dont care for. You capture their essences so well and weave an amazing tale within the prompts and whatnot. You're amazing nat!

wehh thank you so much!!! re: the improvement, i really don’t feel like it has and then i re-read something i wrote when i first started and i’m like oh my god maybe it has. did i really write about jotaro acting like that.

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat. I recently became a follower of yours and I'm really saddened to see you get hate. You seem like a genuinely sweet person with amazing talent! I'm a writer myself and, unfortunately, get the same kind of comments. And when you get those comments, it doesn't leave you feeling motivated. People need to understand that people can and will, at times, grow out of fandoms. (1 Not just that but you're doing all of this for free. Again, I'm sorry you got such a comment. But please know that I'm proud of how far you've come. I'm proud that you're living a life that makes you happy. And no matter what fandom you may find yourself in next, I will always enjoy your writing. Take care of yourself. (2 end

HELLO NEW FOLLOWER I LOVE YOU (i get a lot more a day now than i used to and i feel guilty about not being able to look through so many blogs but i do try and follow back other writers for my fandoms!! ;_;). i’m sorry you get the same kind of comments! i’m always just happy to see people i like enjoying new things, even if i have no interest in it (hello to all of my mutuals who write for hunter x hunter and haikyuu, not interested but i’m sure you��re having a great time and i support you!!!).

Anonymous asked: I'm sure you're getting a barrage of supportive messages now (at least I hope so) but I figured I'd add my voice, because I'm a longtime follower. Your writing is, and always has been, wonderful. I've been so happy to see you and Haz get to a place that works for you both. Idk if it's obvious for everyone, but you seem like you're emotionally in a pretty good place most of the time these days, and it makes me really happy to see that. I followed years ago for JJBA content, but I stayed because regardless of what content you put out, I find your wit delightful. And I'll stick around even if you move fandoms entirely, because whatever content or editorializing you produce is going to be worth reading, regardless of what it's for.

ahh, anon!! thank you for sticking around so long, sorry if you’re old enough to have been around the vore and jorts and spider rohan fiascos! <3 i am definitely a lot more stable than i have been and - barring the Pandemic Related Mental Health Issues - happier! i’m glad that it’s noticeable! <3

Anonymous asked: It actually makes me mad how entitled some people are. Nat, you're not a content creating machine and those who expect you to be are not worth wasting a thought on. Your love for something is not measured in word counts and for you to write every day without getting burned out in the slightest you really must have a burning passion and huge dedication to your craft. If others decide to send hate then allow me to send admiration because I can feel your love and hard work in each post you make!

i try and write every day bc it’s super good for my little ocd/autistic brain to have routines and distract itself, so i’m glad other people can enjoy them because that makes me motivated to carry on! like, i write for myself mostly bc the content i want i sometimes get find, but filling requests and writing for other people also leaves me with happy warm fuzzies too! i appreciate you!! <3

Anonymous asked: If people only care about your writing for the jojo porn that’s on THEM, not you. Your writing was amazing when I followed about a year ago, and it’s only gotten better and will continue to get better! I think it really comes through when you enjoy what you’re writing and it adds a whole other layer of worth to it, because not only are you making free content but you LIKE that content and we can all gush about it together!!! More than just fans, I think you’ve created a community here and we don’t just stick around to read smut, I promise you that. -Reronon

i do miss having a discord community bc it was nice to talk to everyone in real time but it was hard work, i am glad that people feel like they can just come into my askbox and gush! i’m not very friendly in real life and people tend to think i am cold and stuck up so i work very hard to try and seem friendly and approachable online, which is much easier for me because i get to think and re-draft before i type! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I’m sure you’re getting a lot of messages like this right now but I just wanted to say for what it’s worth that, as a person who originally followed you for jjba content and hasn’t watched/read any of the other series you’re currently writing for, I’m honestly still along for the ride. This is your blog and you’re allowed to do what you want with it and put out what content you feel like writing. Sometimes??? People acquire new interests??????? Shocking! I know absolutely nothing about jjk or bnha but out of curiosity still read some of your posts about them and even though I might not Get It, I still enjoy them because I think you’re a very talented writer! Honestly, as long as you’re still writing, I’m still down to clown, and whenever you take breaks (which are important!) I’ll still be waiting for your return or supporting and respecting your decision to stay away longer. Don’t let the entitled assholes get you down. Utilize YOUR blog and YOUR space however YOU choose. Your talent and kindness speak for themselves. Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

anon i care about you and i am so appreciative of you and everyone for sending me such nice messages! i am running out of ways to say it but it’s true, it really does mean a lot to me ;_; <3

#nat.txt

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marireadshellblazer · 4 years

Text

Hellblazer Issue #9

Beinveneu, Power Bottoms!

The issue starts off once again hammering home the kind of world John lives in. Glimpses like this of what everyday life is like in John's world are so important for world building. We aren't simply being told the place is bad, we are seeing example after example of problems that are inescapable in his environment. Homelessness, prostitution, domestic violence, murder, etc in all it’s gory and disturbing glory. John walks by all this, not getting involved, meaning that this is at least somewhat normal for him. Yet, it still disturbs him; he isn't really numb to all the chaos and darkness around him. He isn't some hardened "badass" who fears nothing. He understands perfectly well that this isn't ok, but good or bad this is still normal in his world. And I think that he feels powerless to do anything about it.

It could also be that seeing these things all around him has to do with his depressive state. That is, the bad parts of society are so obvious to him because that is what he is choosing to focus on. He sees himself as down in the gutter with this dark side of society. I’m not saying this is all in his head or anything, but I think that his feeling that the world is coming down around him inside is reflective of how he is looking at the outside world. In issues like this one John is largely in his own head. Therefore, the world around him naturally reflects his perspective as opposed to what it is/might be like in reality. When you’re sad the world can feel like it’s rushing on around you, happy and oblivious to sorrow, which gives a heightened sense of loneliness. When you’re worried or anxious, time may seem to be either too fast or too slow, and over sensitivity may make the people around you seem rude, or again oblivious, to the problem even if it’s so obvious to you personally. In John’s case, his guilt and feelings of uselessness and failure cause him to hyper focus on the things that degrade the world around him; the literal destruction in the world around him. This destruction and darkness just keeps pulling him in further, victimizing him the way he victimized the people in his life. The humanoid figures chasing him and the oil trying to claw at him are manifestations of how his mind is further falling into depression and self-loathing. His attention keeps going back to the wreaking ball taking out chunks of a brick building nearby, which reflects how the stress and anguish he feels is taking out chunks of him inside. The pain is eroding his hard outer shell that allows for him to keep it together in the face of danger and madness.

In my opinion, issues where John is our narrator, waxing poetic, are some of the best ones. I just love it. But for the life of me, I’m not able to really explain exactly why.

Happy birthday, indeed.

One thing that, according to what I have read, makes Hellblazer stand out as a comic is that it doesn't really engage in "comic book time"; that is, unlike most comics or shows like Pokémon, the main character isn't 10 years old the entire series. John actually ages in real time. In this chapter, he turns 35, and a few issues later, 5 years after this issue came out, John turned 40. By the end of the series he is getting up close to 60. So, fun little trivia piece there.

All the stress, guilt, and just the everyday gloom have caught up to John on what I imagine is not a happy holiday for him. Poor John.

Beautiful, John. Just lovely.

Be careful what you wish for, hun.

As far as I can tell, I think the D.T. the man is referring to is delirium tremens, which is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. I agree, not something you want.

I love that in John’s periods of overwhelming self-pity and self-loathing he becomes quite the poet. Honestly, this issue as a whole is really well written.

Also, he manages to light himself on fire. Oh John…

I’m pretty sure this is a reference to a novel by Richard Fariña.

The scene where John pulls himself back together is just awesome. It’s like that hard outer shell is shaking him like “get it together!!” I just love it.

Something that stood out to me is that the wreaking ball comes in and destroys the couch he had been sitting on after his conversation with himself. He leaves the spot where he was ready to just give in and it’s taken out by the wreaking ball that had been serving as a metaphor for his self-hate the whole issue. He destroys the idea of giving up and just letting things go. Things like this are a great reminder of why I love comics. Imagery like this, even though it can be done through written word, hits different when the imagery is presented through art.

Oh man…Zed. Back in the fold. John really does represent freedom for her. I just feel so bad for her. Her situation is terrible, and she knows that running away will only make things worse and, in the end, unless she’s dead there’s no escape. Cults are scary. I’m glad that they have this understanding despite her insistence on staying. There is a kind of love and trust there. Which John then promptly betrays. I do like their relationship and I wish she could have been around a bit longer.

Their scene together is really a beautiful moment. There’s sadness, there’s passion, and it ends with John realizing that he’s once again gone through with yet another betrayal.

Swamp Thing showing up totally changes the tone. Just wham! And now for something completely different!

Dick move taking over his ciggs. Like dude, those are expensive.

I love this issue. All around good time.

I’m feeling this on a spiritual level rn

#Issue 9 #reading #thoughts #Hellblazer

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sxfterhearts · 4 years

Text

33. [12:12 pm]

➳ pairing: mark x reader

➳ genre/warnings: fluff, office worker!mark

➳ word count: 1,348 words

➳ summary: 33. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

➳ author's note: apologies in advanced for any mistakes (it's so late rn ㅠㅠ) please enjoy another timestamp featuring descriptions of fooddd

“Let's dig in!” Mark chirped with a huge smile on his face before tucking his silver skinny tie into his plain, light blue button-up and grabbing a mouthful of jjamppong, his beloved spicy seafood noodles.

You could only offer a weak nod in response. Picking up your chopsticks, you poked lightly at the large bowl of jjajangmyeon that was patiently waiting for you to dig in. You didn’t have the heart to do so, however. Physically, you were seated next to Mark in your usual cramped corner of the Korean-Chinese restaurant frequented by nearly every office worker within its vicinity, eating your lunch. Mentally, though, you were still back at your office desk, scanning through every single cell of your Excel spreadsheet.

It was when Mark had to pause his meal for a drink that he finally realised your less-than-enthusiastic mood. “Y/N,” He called over the aggressive clanging of the kitchen’s woks and the lunchtime chatter of the other patrons.

You shook your head in an attempt to dispel your worrying thoughts, your hands moving to mix the glistening, black soybean sauce with the egg noodles underneath at a snail’s pace. Even such simple actions required more effort than usual, perhaps due to the constant tension in your muscles that left you exhausted.

“Hey, something’s up. What is it?” Mark eyed you attentively, taking in your slumped figure, dark eyebags and bitten nails. It was clear that you were under a lot of pressure. “You’re not mixing it right, let me do it for you. In the meantime,” He said, exchanging his jjamppong for your jjajangmyeon. “Have some of mine.”

“Thank you.” You replied, taking a sip of the red hot soup. This restaurant’s jjamppong was known to be spicier than average, but your tastebuds welcomed the tingling sensation. Its flavour was comforting and tempted you to go back for more.

The familiar squelching sound of jjajangmyeon being mixed could be heard as Mark stirred the hot contents, his tongue sticking out in concentration. “So?” He asked expectantly. “You haven’t told me what you’re stressed about.”

Grunting in protest, you hurriedly chewed and swallowed a crunchy piece of prawn. “Who said I was stressed?” You were met with a look of disbelief. “I’m just… concerned.”

“Go on, talk to me.” Mark promptly returned your meals to its original positions when he caught you stealing another prawn. “I’m here to listen, feel free to offload all your complaints on me. That’s what a boyfriend is for, right?”

“Boyfriend?” Your hand stopped mid-air, your mouth agape as noodles dangled off your chopsticks. “What… What do you mean by boyfriend?”

Now it was his turn to pause while reaching for the plate of tangsuyuk sitting between you. The crispy sweet and sour pieces of pork would have to wait for now. “I mean me, your boyfriend.” He emphasised. “Why are you even asking that question?” Mark paused for a few moments, the two of you just staring dumbfoundedly at each other before he waved his hands in front of you. “Anyways, we’ll save that for later. Continue what you were saying earlier.”

You narrowed your eyes at home, a bit annoyed at his nonchalant dismissal of the discussion of your relationship. That would have to wait. You heaved a sigh. “It’s just, the client told us about a change in their fringe benefits at the very last minute, which wasn’t captured in the tax return we already filed, which means we’ll have to submit an amended return, but I can’t seem to find any evidence of this and this client is such a pain in the ass! Their tax department is so damn slow at replying to my emails and it’s going to take forever–”

“Y/N,” Mark’s voice cut through your rambling, firm. “Y/N, take a deep breath for me, okay? Yeah, just breath in, and out. Again, in, hold it, and out. That’s my girl. You’re doing great. Feeling a bit better?”

“Yeah,” you agreed, still a little breathless from your earlier ordeal. “Yeah, thank you. It feels good to let it out.”

Mark responded with a knowing smile. “Good. Eat your noodles, it’s going to get cold.” He urged, turning towards his lunch. “I have to admit, I didn’t understand most of what you said after ‘fringe benefits’, but it sounds like you have a deadline to meet and a client who’s not very responsive?” The IT worker guessed with his scarce knowledge of your profession.

“That’s basically it.” You sulked internally, taking bigger mouthfuls of noodles as your appetite slowly returned.

“How long do you have to submit your work?”

“Technically, the tax office allows three years. My manager will probably want it done by the end of the week.” It was already Thursday. You winced. “Maybe earlier, I haven’t told her yet.”

“Why? You need to tell her, Y/N.”

“I know, but like, I don’t want her to get mad at me, you know? I've never submitted an amended return before…”

“Y/N, clearly this whole thing is giving you a lot of stress. You need to tell your manager so that she can ask someone to guide you or reassign your other tasks to your colleagues. The longer you sit on this, the worse it gets. Tell her.”

As you processed his words, you began to realise that he was right. It was times like this that you truly appreciated his presence. While your first response to situations was usually fuelled by raging emotions, Mark always faced everything with a level-headed, logical approach that you admired. “Okay, I will.”

“And even if, and that’s a big if, she does get mad at you, I’ll help to make up for it.”

“How?”

His face scrunched up into a mischievous smile. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

Without even sparing it a second thought, you followed his instructions exactly. You trusted him.

“Like this,” Mark said, sounding much closer to you than before, as you felt his larger hand grasp your smaller ones securely. Your breath hitched when his warm, moist lips melted against yours, engaging in a short yet graceful dance. When he pulled away, you curiously licked your lips, enjoying the lingering taste of jjamppong he left. “And this.” He announced, lifting his hand away.

It was then that you realised he had placed a piece of colourful paper on your hand. Holding it closer, you recognised the logo printed on the top of what seemed like a buy one get one free coupon. It was for the dessert place where you had your first date. “Free bingsu?” You wondered. Your insides were bubbling in excitement.

“Wow, I'm going to take you on a date to the place we first went out and all you can say is free bingsu?” Mark teased, his ears still a bright, noticeable shade of pink from your shared kiss.

“You can't blame me for that, it's unfair! You didn't even tell me that we're boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“What?!” Mark shrieked in pure shock. “What did you think we were? I've took you out on like at least ten dates already, we've held hands, kissed and everything, how—”

“Yeah, you took me out on dates, Mark. We never discussed anything which means we're just dating.”

“Who cares about labels?” He sighed exasperatedly, but went silent at your pointed gaze. “Well, that's a bit of a shame. All this time you thought we were just dating when I was going around telling everyone you're my girlfriend.”

“What… Really?” You stared at him unblinkingly.

Mark couldn't hold in his laughter when he met your dazed look. Each and every expression you wore on your face was adorable to him. “Yes, girlfriend. And if you really don't start eating now you won't finish your lunch, which, as your boyfriend, will make me very worried.”

“Stop teasing…” You mumbled weakly before stuffing your face with jjajangmyeon. Your tummy may not be full but your heart was filled with pure adoration for the man sitting next to you, chuckling amusedly to himself at your cuteness.

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nomazee · 4 years

Text

scatterbrain

bokuto koutarou x reader

word count: 2200+

content: fluff, friends-to-lovers, pining bokuto, ooc bokuto.

(i’m in such a bokuto mood rn so i wrote this!! i did NOT expect this to get this long but oops!!

bokuto is probably,,,VERY ooc in this but this is really just self-indulgent fluff!! hope you enjoy! <3)

(also!!! quick reminder!! my requests are open!! my request rules can be found linked in my navigation which is my pinned post!! feel free to request <3)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

contrary to popular belief, bokuto thinks. he thinks a lot. granted, a lot of his thoughts are devoid of any deep meaning, like the possibility of taming a wild owl and keeping it as a pet, or the question of whether he should get two or three meat buns after practice.

bokuto thinks a lot. he knows this. his mind gets very cluttered sometimes with various random topics. that’s why when his mind started becoming a cohesive conversation of one solid topic, something was wrong. very wrong.

he started thinking about you. a lot.

when he first realized it, he figured he should look into it--find out what caused him to have his mind flooded with thoughts of you, your smile, your eyes, your hair, your hands, your voice and nose and lips--

then he realized that he already knew very well why he thought of you so often.

almost comically, he smiled to himself and thought, “well, i guess that’s that!” and resolved to never approach the subject again. confident as he could be on the court, bokuto was sure that if he ever tried to take action about his feelings, the result was sure to be disastrous. it was best to stay away from any fantasies of his.

that was hard to do, though, when you seemed to occupy both his thoughts and his day-to-day life.

you were in the same class--that was just his luck--and while you weren’t an official manager you had a tendency to stop by practice and watch the boys play while chatting with yukie and kaori until it was time to go home.

(he also often walked you to the train stop. fate really made the stars align when he didn't want them to align.)

though, he had to owe it to fate for allowing your seats to be on separate sides of class. at the very least, he had that relief from the constant pressure he applied on himself absentmindedly whenever he was in your presence.

during lunch, bokuto sped out of the classroom door and in a direction away from the cafeteria. you seemed to notice this quite quickly and darted to chase after him.

bokuto felt a warm, firm hand on his shoulder and the distant scent of peppermint. he cursed himself for not walking fast enough and wondered if he could jump up with enough fervor to break through the ceiling.

“hey,” you were smiling at him as you sidled up next to him. he was thankful he had your real expression right in front of him--the gentle image in his mind was fading by the minute and he appreciated the refresher. “where’re you going? i thought we were still eating lunch together?”

right. lunch. eating. food. the empty feeling in bokuto’s stomach reminded him of the fact he’d skipped breakfast after thinking so hard about his feelings and what to do with them that too much time slipped away to let him eat something properly.

“oh, yeah!” he forced a smile--”forced” wasn’t really the right term though, because with you everything flowed so naturally and so easily that he never had to force himself to do something.

“i was actually planning on practicing a bit instead of going to the cafeteria.” your expression fell the slightest bit and he scolded himself internally for being the cause of even the mildest discomfort of yours. “i’m really sorry for not telling you! really sorry! i should’ve texted you or something. i’m sorry! but i’ll make it up to you if--”

“bo!” your lightened expression was back and he, cheesily, melted at the sight. “it’s fine! i’m not angry at you. well, at least not for that. i’m just worried that you’re not eating lunch.”

uh oh. his stomach didn’t feel that great. it felt like there were a bunch of wild, frantic insects in there that pushed and pulled at the tissue in an attempt to get out. he thought he needed to vomit.

it was nice that you were worrying about him. you did that a lot. the reminder only made him feel lightheaded and briefly convinced that maybe it wasn’t a crush and actually just a really bad, persistent stomach flu that only flared up in the presence of the girl of his dreams.

he spoke through a smile that he hadn’t even noticed appeared on his face so brightly. “it’s really sweet that you’re worried.” his words were hazy and lovestruck. midway through the interaction he stopped putting so much effort in hiding his adoration for you. he figured maybe you’d appreciate it one way or another, even if it was just to make fun of him in your head. “but i’m fine! no worries! i’ll make sure to eat when i get home, promise.”

you gave him a nod, “promise,” and a quick wave and then you were off to the cafeteria. to eat lunch. would you be alone? when you both ate lunch together you didn’t really hang out with anyone else--as much as bokuto’s teammates offered to let you sit at their table, you were both perfectly content with just sitting in the presence of each other, alone.

dreamily, his grin persisted on his face and his eyes grew glittery and unfocused before his lips dropped at another realization.

you’d be alone. would you feel lonely? would you be mad at him for making you feel that way?

he made it to the gym already by the time he realized that. maybe this time alone would let him settle his fluttering heart and compose himself so he could be conditioned to tolerate your presence more often without drifting away into a bunch of domestic daydreams.

a sick feeling in his stomach persisted all through his spiking practice. it was less pleasant than before. his body temperature grew both from unease and the physical exertion caused by extra practice.

maybe he really was sick. in one way or another.

---

you showed up to the gym fifteen minutes into bokuto’s practice. the boys were still slowly getting ready, so you took the time to approach bokuto and hand him a small and weighty paper bag.

“meat buns,” you told him, extending the package in his directions. “it’s not good to skip meals just to practice. you still have to eat!” despite the scolding tone, your face remained playful and taut in a smile. bokuto wondered if your cheeks every became sore from grinning all the time. as much as he didn’t want you in pain, he was willing to give you all the face massages you wanted as long as it kept you smiling at him so often. did face massages exist? were they a thing? he’d study the art of massage for you and develop a technique, whatever was necessary.

“y… yeah…!” he responded dumbly. his was certain his face was unhealthily red as his body instinctively moved to wrap you in his arms.

hugs were typical between you two. it wouldn’t be weird, right? oh well. too late to think about it, since you were already embraced in the warmth of his arms.

“are you alright?” your voice came out muffled and gentle from the depths of his embrace and his heart fluttered at the way your voice rumbled through his chest. “you feel kinda warm.”

he was warm? he thought you were way warmer than him. though maybe he meant that in a less physical sense. he couldn’t tell the difference anymore--not with you.

“yeah, just kind of tired.” before he could ridicule himself at the fact that tired had no correlation to having a full-body flush, he continued to reassure you, “but i’m fine! i’ll make sure to take care of myself.”

he felt your smile appear against the fabric of his shirt and wondered if it was weird that he was willing to die in that position.

after a moment of relaxing in each other’s grasps (and ignoring the distant gossip of his teammates), bokuto pulled back with a grin, a nod, and the longing to press a kiss against your forehead.

practice was good. it felt easier than it had been last week, though he probably owed that to the visit you paid him in the afternoon. he came to the conclusion that running from you just to “figure out his feelings” was stupid. he knew what he felt. he didn’t have a single clue what to do about it specifically, but thought that was fine. it felt good to be around you--he’d be stupid to let opportunities to spend time with you pass him by.

---

apparently you sat with akaashi the day before, when bokuto was away from the cafeteria during lunch. he figured that out when he went to sit at your usual table only to find you accompanied by his setter.

“bo! hey!” you greeted, pausing the ongoing conversation with akaashi. “i forgot to tell you, but akaashi’s sitting with us today. he sat with me yesterday so i just figured the three of us could start eating lunch together.”

bokuto didn’t really think much of it. if anything, he was thankful that akaashi had kept you company and alleviated the ace of some of his lingering guilt from the day before.

he had no qualms with having the duo become a trio for the period, and found himself enjoying the conversation floating between all of you.

well. sort of. he didn’t really get to talk much with how exuberant you seemed to be with akaashi. it was nice to see you so happy and active with his friend, and the sight of your smile was enough to distract him from the unpleasant simmering of his stomach acid.

for the most part. he had to excuse himself to the bathroom in the middle of class to splash cold water on his face and try to subdue the uncomfortable heat that was certainly not reminiscent of his previous warming adoration for you.

despite how many times he urged you to go home early, you assured bokuto that you were fine with staying for his practice the whole time, ending your defense with a, “i really wanted to walk with you today!” and a smile that made him fall into your unintentional trap.

true to your word, you walked to the train station with bokuto, boarding the same train. conversation was light and typical, but his leg kept bouncing and heart urged for him to say something before everything imploded under the pressure of his emotions.

“are you dating akaashi?” great going, bokuto thought, the most discreet, subtle thing i could’ve possibly asked.

you blinked, and turned your gaze from your phone screen to him. you huffed out a lighthearted laugh and nudged your elbow into his ribs playfully. “of course not. we only really started talking yesterday. i wouldn’t date someone i barely know.”

bokuto’s mind went on overdrive, the news coming as a deep relief for him and making him ignore the blaring reminders of potential consequences that flashed bright and red in his head. his mouth spilled words before he could logically think of what to say and figured letting his heart guide, as always, wouldn’t be a terrible choice.

“so you’d date someone you do know? a lot? like a friend?”

once again, his words weren’t discreet in the slightest, but he had tunnel vision pointed in your direction, covering you in a sheer golden light like you were the only thing that mattered in that moment--because you were. no need for detailed thought processes or pros and cons lists that he’d briefly considered making (“that’s what professionals do, right?”).

your smile persisted, and he took that as a good enough sign to continue with his mindless stammering.

though your voice interrupted his next outward train of thought, and he listened with the focus of a child watching a television screen.

“what about this saturday? at noon? at that sweet little cafe near my house?”

bokuto blinked. processed your words with an intensity unmatched, even compared to those times he had to write those stupid DBQs and analyze sources that were way too complicated for him to handle very well.

you words were much easier for him to understand than college-level essays. much lighter, much sweeter, like agave syrup and orange zest.

“yeah. this saturday. that’s… great.”

bokuto wondered if it was possible to develop sudden onset asthma as you slid closer to his form, side pressed up against his in a way that felt much more meaningful than any casual touches from before. he lost his breath--felt like he dropped it--as you gave him a smile and let your hand casually fall against his.

(he walked you all the way home, which he didn’t usually do, but today wasn’t really usual. you asked if you could kiss him, and in a fit of overwhelming emotions he blurted out “i thought i was supposed to do that?!” only for his words to be muffled by your lips on his. bokuto’s mind went silent for the first time in a long time, only filled with a gentle buzz and glimmering stars that made him feel warm and dizzy.)

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kittybellestark · 4 years

Text

It’s Like Falling From The Sky

Hi I’m exhausting and things suck rn so i wrote this

I know this is coming out but I really can’t promise that I’ll be able to be very active on here with everything going on with my Dad.

If you have mad e a fic request I am working on it have no fears I have not forgotten I just needed to write out my emotions so I’m sorry.

I’ll get this on AO3 in the next few days

TW: Flashbacks, Minor Character Deaths, Re-Visiting Peter’s Traumas, Depression, Probably Disassociation.

Peter remembers. He hated remembering this. He couldn’t even talk to other people about this. Well, he probably could, but he wasn’t supposed to.

Dr. Josh said so.

He didn’t like Dr. Josh very much. He was there when it happened. Dr. Josh went through the same thing Peter did. Sometimes Dr. Josh still came to visit Peter up until the time Skip happened. Dr. Josh was there for Peter’s first trauma yet he wasn’t there for the next one. And Peter hated him.

Peter remembered the plane.

Officially Peter was never in that plane. There was no records of Peter ever being there, or Dr. Josh being there. But Peter remembered it in perfect clarity. It was one of the only memories Peter had of his parents.

It was fine. The plane ride. It was boring and he played Uno with his parents. Dr. Josh stayed seated in a corner, close to the front. It was a nice plane, a private one Oscorp had provided them. This plane was newer. Peter hadn’t ever seen it before, this wasn’t the plane his family normally took. He had liked the other plane more, that plane was familiar.

He was the one who noticed the smoke. It was coming out of the engine. They had thought the shaking was turbulence, just a little bit of wind. The smoke clouded the sky around them.

Peter remembers that his parents buckled him into a seat, before getting into their own. Dr. Josh went to go into the cockpit, but the door was jammed. He couldn’t get in. The locking mechanism had ceased, there was no way for Dr. Josh to get in there and Peter saw the moment he realized this. The doctor sat down and buckled in.

The lights flickering was the scariest part to Peter. That was when everyone knew things would get worse. Peter could feel it, he was able to feel his parents fear. Their fear was suffocating. It was the way his mother sobbed and his father dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking. There was no battle to be fought, they weren’t going to be able to get out of this one.

Oxygen masks dropped and Peter’s mom made sure to get one onto his face. She kissed his forehead and whispered goodbyes. He cried hard, holding onto her hand with both of his. The door had ripped off the side of the air craft and that made things cold. Cold, cold, cold. And that didn’t make sense to Peter. Outside was bright orange, the colour of warmth and his parents bedding.

Nothing made sense. It was bad and scary and Peter hates remembering this. He hates it. Peter hates that he was there and that officially he never was. There’s been no one to talk to, no one who can understand. It was in the news, that the only two passengers onboard had died and it infuriates Peter. There was four passengers on that plane and two died.

Peter remembers the plane going down. He remembers screaming, then he remembers waking up. There was metal scraps of plane all around him and fire, there was so much fire. He was still in his chair, strapped down to it and he couldn’t get out. He remembers calling out for his parents and then looking around for them.

Peter remembers seeing his mother laying there on the ground. She was awake but gasping for air, her one hand on chest, a leg bent at an unnatural angle, hair melted onto her. Peter was afraid of his own mother. He couldn’t find his father, couldn’t see him, but Peter could hear his screams. Peter could hear him in pain and that scared him too. He feared the people who were meant to be safe. Peter hates himself for that too.

Peter hates Dr. Josh. He hates Dr. Josh for surviving and Peter hates that Dr. Josh for saving him and not going back for his parents. And Peter hates Dr. Josh for leaving him, for not showing up anymore.

Peter hates Dr. Josh. He never expected to see him again. But the thing about being Peter Parker is that everything goes in the exact way that Peter just can’t predict.

Becoming Spider-Man was never anything Peter thought he would ever do. Meeting Tony Stark was a pipe-dream, and this mentor-mentee thing was so wildly out there. Nothing ever seemed to make sense and Peter hated that too. It was always a whirlwind and never any time to process any of it. Never any time to make sense of anything.

Peter couldn’t help blaming Dr. Josh for that too.

“You good kid?” Tony finally, finally asked.

Distractions are good, welcomed even. Anything was better than his thoughts or the memories of his parents dying. Distractions are easy and they help. Things aren’t so painful if he’s distracted. It’s why parents teach their kids to laugh when they get hurt, it distracts them and then everything is okay.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry- I just got caught up in my head.”

Peter couldn’t help running his hand through his hair. It was a nervous tick, at least that’s what Dr. Josh had said. Built on his anxiety after his parents death. Peter didn’t believe that to be factual. It was a way to comfort himself, his parents used to run their fingers through Peter’s hair when he was sad or sick or tired.

He could tell that Tony didn’t believe him. Why would he? Peter hasn’t been focused recently. He needs to focus, but he just can’t seem to focus on anything other than the thought of Dr. Josh recently. It’s a problem and Peter knows it. But it’s just so easy to put the bad things on him.

Had Dr. Josh at least saved one of his parents, Peter wouldn’t have gone into foster care. He wouldn’t have been placed into May and Ben’s home, Skip would have never been his babysitter. Peter wouldn’t have had to go onto the Oscorp field trip, and Ben would have never been murdered. If just one of his parents had lived Peter wouldn’t feel the grief or hatred he does now. More of his family would be around, he wouldn’t be made fun of for being the reason his guardians all keep dying. May would be happier, she’d have her husband and a in-law. There would never be any over-due bills. So Peter hated Dr. Josh, and it wasn’t fair to do that to him, but Dr. Josh was supposed to be a doctor. He was supposed to save lives.

“Earth to Peter.” Tony waved his hand in front of Peter’s face. “You zoned out on me while I was talking. We have a meeting to go to remember, you’re supposed to pretend to be doing intern-y things. With the Avengers?”

Peter shook his head, trying to clear it. It was too busy most of the time. Every thought just started and ended on top of each other. But he was going into a meeting, and the Avengers were supposed to be there, so his brain needed to be clear. He couldn’t think about what is felt like to fall out of the sky and not being able to catch himself.

“Sorry, yeah, I’m here. Which Avengers?”

Smile. Breathe. Listen. Try and be normal. Do not dwell. Not on the past.

“I mean Cap is going to be there, he’s a total bore by the way. He drones on and on, I think we’ve all learnt to fall asleep to him talking without him noticing, you’re allowed to zone out on him. Natasha is going to be there, she’s sneaky about things so don’t fan boy too hard around her. Clint will also be there, he’ll keep things interesting. You get bored in there Clint is always doing something strange to get everyone’s attention, you two will get along like a house on fire, I’m only a little scared. And Bruce will be there, you’ve met him multiple times already though Pete, so we aren’t going to hyperventilate this time. You’re going to remember to breathe and not overwhelm Bruce with every question you have about one of his research papers.”

Tony liked to talk with his hands. Grand gestures. It was calming to watch. Peter liked how expressive Tony was. The man said he wasn’t good at expressing his emotions but Tony showed his emotions in his movements. He was easy to read if you knew what to look for, and Peter did. Peter liked knowing. He didn’t get to know much in his life, he could never predict what was happening next and that hurt. But he could see how Tony was feeling and he could act accordingly and he liked to be able to control that.

“I’ve seen the PSA’s at school I think I’ll live. Black Widow is very intimidating so I don’t think you’ll hear me talk more than five words, she’s awesome but she could kill me in the time it takes me to blink. I cannot annoy her Mr. Stark, I’m comfortable being alive.” Tony laughed, Peter joined. “I mean really, I’ve met Dr. Banner and Black Widow has become involved with the government and on tv all the time. An no self respecting teenager doesn’t hate Captain America for those PSA’s at least a little bit. I know them all except Hawkeye really, but he’s the only Avenger that is still supposed to be a secret agent so it’s not like any pictures of him exists. Which is very annoying Mr. Stark. Ned and I hacked into your servers once to see if we could find any pictures of him- this was before I met you by the way- and you didn’t even have anything there.”

Yeah, that sounded like Peter Parker. Laughing, joking, he sounded normal. He was not spiraling. There was no imagining the lights flickering or smoke filled sky. Peter couldn’t talk about it so he shouldn’t think about it. There was no use in his brain remembering the sound of his father’s screams. He could remember so many better things, more useful things. It was over ten years ago. He had more recent trauma, plane trauma at that. This really shouldn’t be the one bad thing his brain goes to first.

Right. He’s supposed to acknowledge and follow and be normal. Peter has this. There’s no plane falling out of the sky today. He is okay.

“I wish I was surprised about you and Ted hacking into SI servers and then getting into my own, but frankly nothing you do could really ever surprise me at this point. You’re too smart for your own good, I do expect you to take over the world Roo, but for my heart could you wait until you’re done high school.”

It was the right time to laugh. Tony was laughing, so Peter laughed. It didn’t make sense to Peter how his actions couldn’t surprise Tony. Sometimes Peter’s actions even surprise himself. But it’s not really like Peter knew himself very much anymore, not with his life continuing to be so unpredictable. Sure he had gotten used to the fake smiles, and pretending to be fine, deflecting, but that wasn’t really his actions. It just covered them up.

Peter followed just a little bit behind Tony, it helped ease the anxiety, like a shield. He also knew it wasn’t good to use Tony like this. It was just easier sometimes, when he was scared. This wasn’t a good pattern, but neither was the rest of his life. The world owed him just this bit of comfort sometimes.

“If I’m going to take over the world then I have to take everyone by surprise Mr. Stark. Including you; unless you help me of course. I could use you for your government connections, sway them over into our favour. It really wouldn’t take much.”

Peter shrugged as Tony stepped into the room, shaking his head while looking back at him. The room was loud as Peter stepped in, but it’s what he had expected. Stories have been told to him about the Avengers, loud and rambunctious, conversations on top of each other. Even with Thor off world the group made up for it in this small room.

“Everyone this is my personal intern. Yes I trust him, no he is not a secret love child, no you can’t interrogate. Yes he will be sitting in this meeting, no you don’t have anything to worry about. Okay? Great, Brucie you know Peter, everyone else this is Peter Parker, Peter this is everyone.”

It’s like falling from the sky, when he see’s the Avengers. He smells the smoke and feels everything quake. He can hear his father screaming and his mother gasping for air. Everything is warm orange but he’s cold and it doesn’t make sense. He is falling from the sky and it’s way too fast and he cant keep his hold on his mothers hand. He is falling and he can’t catch himself and the world is coming at him way too fast.

He needs to breathe.

It hurts.

He’s trapped in the seat and everything is on fire and his family is dying.

And there is Dr. Josh pulling him out and taking him away.

Breathe. He has to breathe.

Peter is not there.

Not in the middle of no where.

Certainly not with his parents.

But he is here. In the Avengers Tower. With Dr. Josh.

He just needs to focus. He needs to breathe. His brain is running too fast and there’s too many thoughts. Peter hates him, hates Dr. Josh. The plane crashed, his parents were alive and he was carried away from them. They died by this man who was supposed to be a doctor. Peter couldn’t help but feeling the anger, over a decade of anger boiling inside of him.

Peter was never good at not saying what he thought. Words were just out of his mouth before he even thought them. It’s always been good to stop people from questioning him too much, but now it was nothing but a weakness. There was no control over this, over his words and Peter hated that he couldn’t control them. He just needed to control something and yet he couldn’t even control his stupid words.

“You killed them.”

It didn’t even sound like his own voice. He wasn’t supposed to talk about this. He was told not too. Officially Peter was never there. And he was never meant to talk about this. He should have forgotten this.

Captain America, Steve Rogers was the first one to move, pushing himself backwards in his chair before standing up. Peter didn’t like the stance Steve took, he recognized it from school and from muggers too. It was made to intimidate. It worked. Peter found himself pushing against Tony. He didn’t know if that was to shield himself or to shield Tony. It felt selfish though.

“Kid?” Tony whispered.

He was clearly hesitant, scared of Peter, for Peter? Honestly, Peter wasn’t so sure. All Peter knew was that he was angry, and the man who ruined his whole life was just sitting there, like this was no big deal like it was nothing. He sat there, just barely a fake look of concern like he didn’t even recognize Peter.

“You don’t even remember me. You’re the reason my parents died, you introduced yourself as a doctor and clearly you fucking lied. They were dying in front of us. Remember that? Instead of helping them you got me out of the seat I was in and walked away. We were the only two who survived, but funny enough neither of us were put on the reports. Officially we never went on that plane. Unofficially you dropped me off in Connecticut to go into foster care, but officially I ran away from my babysitter and managed to sneak onto a train. You remember me now?” The words felt like acid, and Peter didn’t like the way the words felt in his mouth. But he was falling. “Oh, no? See, you introduced yourself to me as Doctor Josh Wilkes.”

Peter didn’t notice how he made his way further into the room. He wasn’t very aware of his body or the words that were spilling out. There was just so much pain, so much that he never talked about to anyone because they were never supposed to know. His world fell apart in front of him when he was too young to understand and Peter never got to tell anyone.

“Peter, I think you’re having a severe panic attack. Can you breathe with me?” That was Dr. Banner.

Dr. Banner was in front of Peter’s face, enough to block his view. Tony’s arms were wrapped around Peter’s waist just enough pressure to help remind Peter where he was. It wasn’t enough for Peter’s thoughts to stay in his head, but his head had been so loud for so long. Letting it out felt better but also worse. He was finally being heard, but this wasn’t what he wanted to happen.

Black Widow- Natasha moved around the room, stationing herself in front of her friend, and Steve looked ready to yell. None of this was what Peter wanted. He needed to gain control. He needed to take a breath and start thinking. But here was Dr. Josh, Clint Barton and everything just felt so much more like a lie. Peter felt like he’d been removed from his body and scrambled before being shoved right back in.

“No. No. You told me you were a Doctor, that you saved lives. That was all a lie. Every word you ever said to me was a lie and I hate you, I do. You told me that plane crash was our secret, that I couldn’t tell anyone. You stole my parents lives, and you ruined mine, and now you’re just sitting there, silent. You’re an Avenger, you are supposed to save lives. Why didn’t you save mine?”

There were tears streaming down Peter’s face. He’d been lied too. The man he hates wasn’t even a real person, just some persona that was put on. He hated an Avenger and he never thought he would. Peter hates Clint Barton for what was done to him. And he hates that Clint just sits there not saying anything. Looking at Peter with his eyebrows raised but otherwise looking unaffected.

He had to leave. He needed to leave and go find a place to breathe. It’d been too long and everything hurt too bad. Peter was only 6, barely had any life and yet had it all torn from him.

Peter waiting another moment for Clint to say something.

“You’re a coward.” Peter pulled himself out of Tony’s arms. “I’m leaving. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He was leaving and Peter knew it was wrong. This was everything he hated but he should be more mature about it. Peter was raised to treat people with respect, never to shout, never call someone names. It didn’t matter who the person was, he should always treat them the way he wishes to be treated.

The past should be behind him and he just needed to stop experiencing it. Peter needed to walk away from his past even if that left his parents behind him. His mom wasn’t gasping for air anymore and his dad wasn’t screaming in pain, but this felt the same as it had then. When he was picked up and carried away fighting to go back.

The elevator was too small and it felt like falling. There wasn’t enough air as they went down, down, down. They were going towards the ground way too fast and everything was too cold and- he wasn’t there. Peter is in New York and he’s leaving his past behind. It’d be easier to forget it, but that can’t happen. For now he’s in New York and he is not falling, things are controlled now. He isn’t controlling them but things are controlled and that has to be enough.

“Peter, do you want to talk about it?”

That was Tony. Tony was there walking out of the building with him and he didn’t even notice. Someone was there for him and following him out into the streets and he is upset. This is going to be like Ben all over again. It was all too familiar. Peter is crying and too caught up in his head and he’s being followed by someone who cares again and he is in New York. Last time Peter had a gun held to him because he saw something he shouldn’t and Ben stepped in. Tony would do the same thing as Ben, Peter knows that.

Planes don’t fall out of the sky often but it happened to Peter twice. Muggings happen often, Peter has seen his fair share. It could happen to him again. History repeats itself, everyone says that. This can happen again too, it could. All because of Dr. J- Clint.

“You can’t let him kill you Mr. Stark. I can’t lose anyone else, I can’t watch anyone else die. You and May are all I have left.”

Breathe. He just needs to breathe and it’ll be okay. Peter knows this he just needs to get himself under control. One person should not have any control over him, his life, not like this.

“Alright kiddo. I’m staying right here, and you know May isn’t going anywhere either. We’ll stay by your side no matter what. So lets talk, tell me what isn’t official or don’t. Whatever you need right now.”

Peter nodded. He hated how the air was acid but he had to do this. He’s held it all in, every bad thing. He didn’t talk about things, never the bad things, those were made to be secrets. But it never felt good, it always ached, to keep it all inside. Peter never told May and Ben about his parents, all they knew was the official story. He had never told them about Skip, never talked about it more than what was necessary after May walked in. Never said anything about what happened to give him his powers. He didn’t tell May about watching Ben die. He never said anything to Tony or Happy about a building falling on him or crashing the plane on Coney Island. These memories, these trauma’s are not made to be shared, but he couldn’t hold in in anymore.

His body wasn’t his own and Peter hated not being aware of his actions, pulled too far into the past to understand his movements, his surroundings. When Tony pulled Peter back inside and to the penthouse he hardly recognized his own motions. Sitting onto Tony’s couch helped Peter come back to himself, just the tiniest bit.

For the first time ever Peter told someone the unofficial story. There was no talking about nothing. He tells Tony about what it was like to notice the smoke and the flames. He talks about being exposed in the sky and holding his mothers hand as they fall. He speaks about seeing his mom, hearing her and his dad. He explains what is was like to be carried away, fighting to be with them, knowing they’d die. Peter tells Tony about what it’s like in foster care, about being considered a flight risk because officially he ran away from his babysitter.

Peter tells Tony everything.

And Tony listens.

Peter thought he’d feel better. He never expected to feel like every problem is solved, but he thought he’d at least feel the tiniest bit better. This wasn’t better though.

Maybe it was a mistake.

These big, scary traumatic things were supposed to be kept to himself. They might have changed his life but they didn’t need to affect anyone else’s.

“This is the first time you’re telling anyone any of this?” Tony hand’s Peter hot chocolate as he asks this question, it feels like a stupid question to Peter, he wasn’t supposed to talk about it so why would he tell anyone.

“I was told I couldn’t tell anyone about my parents. Dr. Josh, Clint, he sat me down and told me no one could actually know how my parents died, that it was our secret. He’d check in on me for a few years after to make sure May and Ben didn’t know. Clint told me that the big scary thing things that happen to a person aren’t made to be shared with others and that no one would believe me, so I didn’t tell anyone. I’m supposed to do what adults tell me, it’s not a big deal.”

Tony hummed, sipping his own drink. Peter didn’t like the way Tony looked at him, like a mystery that revealed itself. It was close to the look Peter gets when people find out his parents are dead and one of his guardians died too, but it wasn’t quiet it. Tony also held some level of anger in his eyes and Peter didn’t know who that was directed at.

“Peter you literally exploded when you saw Clint, that was a pretty big deal. Him telling you not to share the first big traumatic thing to happen to you is a pretty big deal too, especially because he told you that he was a doctor. It’s all big deal.”

Peter groaned. He should have had better control. It was already a bad day and his head was too clouded with the past. It was a mistake. A blip. Peter should have done better.

“FRIDAY, could you ask Clint Barton to come up here?”

FRIDAY confirmed and Peter realized that this was another mistake. Why couldn’t he just stop himself? He wasn’t good at this. This was a mistake. Peter was raised to do what was right but he only made mistake after mistake. Everything he’s done was a mistake.

“What are you doing kid?”

Planes fall from the sky. Planes that hold Peter have fallen. They are world ending and Peter’s world has ended over and over. He blamed the person that Clint was pretending to be. Peter blamed a lie.

“He forgot me and then I told him he killed my parents and didn’t save my life.”

The elevator dinged out a final warning to what was coming before the doors opened. This time Peter was prepared to see the face of a man who haunted his life. Clint walked in and stayed standing away from Peter and Tony on the other side the coffee table.

“Sorry for yelling at you. It was a bad day. I was taken off guard and said things without any thought.”

Unrecognizable. Cold. Unattached. Empty. Peter’s voice didn’t sound nice, there was no personality. But it had been a long day. There was too many emotions all at once and Peter was tired, it was nearly too much today. All his thoughts and feelings were all too wrapped together, snaked around his heart and lungs. In his throat and into his jaw, squeezing too tight; a mess of what should be neat and organized.

“My mission was to protect you. I was assigned onto that plane and to your parents to make sure you were properly protected. Your parents were agents in the scientific division of SHIELD and were assigned to Oscorp to get intel. We had reason to believe that Oscorp was going to stage a kidnapping to experiment on you. My only job was to keep you safe and when that plane went down I had to get you out of the area before you were taken. SHIELD agents were with your parents by the time we got to safety. We didn’t tell you that you’re Dad’s spine was crushed or your Mom’s lungs were filled with blood, there was no saving them. Even if I helped them first they would not have survived, if I was a doctor it wouldn’t have made a difference. My mission was to protect you. I had to drop in after that every once in a while after that because Oscorp still had their eyes on you. I got reassigned when they stopped following you.”

Peter’s mind reeled. Hardly able to process the words being told. None of it made sense. It didn’t feel much like the truth. Peter still ended up at Oscorp and bad things still happened.

“Well you failed then. You’re mission was a failure.” Peter couldn’t help but laugh. “Oscorp doesn’t give school’s tours, especially not high schools. But they gave my school a tour, but only my class. You did not succeed at your one job. I was there, got separated from my class. After that some Oscorp employees tended to show up where I was for a few months, offered me summer camp opportunities a few internships. I never took them especially not once I got this internship. But they never stopped. Oh, and I was friends with Harry Osborn, for years actually, went over to his house all the time until pretty recently.”

The spider bite. Peter always thought it was an accident. A coincidence. But now it was making sense. The lab assistant who gave him the wrong directions to the bathroom did that on purpose. He ended up in a room filled with spiders instead of a hallway he expected to lead to the washroom. Oscorp followed him to see if Peter had changed, not because they thought he did something bad or stole from them. It was their plan. Had he of taken the internship who knows what else would have happened.

The mugging that killed Ben, that was probably Oscorp too. It would make sense. Especially if they were watching Peter. The gun was pointed at Peter first, meant to shoot him. Maybe they expected Peter to do something, confirm any theory they may have had about him. Instead Ben got in the way and died. And Peter didn’t do anything that day, or that week, not even that month. Oscorp stopped reaching out as much after that. They weren’t at his favourite places anymore and he got less mail from them. Every once in a while they still offered an internship to him, but it wasn’t a consistent thing like before. There wasn’t anything consistent.

“Clint, I think it’s time for you to leave.” That was Tony. Tony was nice. Tony helps. “Peter, buddy, you need to remember to breathe. C’mon Roo, I know that was a lot but breathe for me, please.”

He couldn’t do it. Everything about Peter was a lie. The man he blamed was a lie. The idea his parents could be alive was a lie. The reason Ben died was a lie. Everyone lied to him, his entire life, every traumatic experience came from a lie. Being Spider-Man came from a lie and working with Tony rooted from one too. There was no truth. He was never given the truth.

Peter couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to. Nothing was true. How could he do anything real, or true? His life was a pile of lies stacked on top of each other in a way to control him and to manipulate. There’s no control here, this was a fall and every time there was something to grab onto it just disappeared. Nothing was real, it wasn’t real. Someone else pulled the strings on his life and now they’ve all been cut and there’s nothing holding him up anymore.

Alone. He’s alone and he can’t do this. Just a kid who lost everyone on a lie. Peter never had a chance to control anything, Everything was set up for him to react in certain ways, he had no choice, probably never did.

“Peter, buddy, c’mon, breathe for me. Don’t do this, you’re going to hurt yourself. I know this was a lot, but Roo, you’ll get through this, I know this was a lot, your whole life thrown at you in one go. I’m here with you.”

Focus on Tony. He needed to breathe, gain control here. But this was wrong, all of it was wrong. Peter had been through a lot but this was something else entirely. How can any expect him to get through this?

“No. No, Mr. Stark. I can’t- I can’t do this. I’m not- it’s not- it’s a lie. I can’t do this.”

He was sobbing, face tomato red. Tears were streaming down his face, his body shook just like the plane that went down. He couldn’t calm down and he hated himself for it. Peter couldn’t control the way his thoughts always went to his biggest traumas, and now he couldn’t control the way he was reacted. Maybe none of this ever happened, and that’s just a lie too. There’s no proof that he isn’t dead or in a coma or even lost his mind. It’s all been a lie this far, it could be a lie past that.

Arms wrapped around Peter. They held him tight and he fought them at first trying to break free. He needed to be free of them, free of his thoughts. He only struggled for a few minutes before finally being able to relax, entire body going limp.

Everything was too much. It was too much.

And Peter was falling from the sky. Falling too fast and too hard into the rest of his life. There was no way to catch himself, not at these speeds. He was just a six year old with too much heartache. No Spider-Man there to catch him, no webs strong enough. Peter was falling from the sky and he couldn’t stop.

But Tony is there, and Tony will be there to catch Peter before he crashes.

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@erinbeanie @jean-and-diet-coke @dead-inside-pt2 @they-were-cloudsinmycoffee @parkersjiggle @7peternotparker7 @thatonecrackheadshipper @kevinthewoman @faline4you @lynxshinon @narutoyaoifan @pastelwheeler

#irondad #peter parker #spiderson #tony stark #avengers #marvel #mcu #spiderman #iron man #hurt peter parker #whump peter parker #clint barton #steve rogers #natahsa romanoff #bruce banner #marvel cinematic universe #irondad and spiderson #peter and tony #sad peter parker

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