#even tho i have a medical perspective on this whole thing idk i need to go out and do something

[beardedmrbean]

I understand women can rape men and other women to but we need to stop acting like it’s split even 50/50 because it’s not idk why it’s so bad to say the majority of rapists are men it’s true

There's actually no way to prove that, not in any kind of unbiased way at least.

UK and I believe India and Israel at a minimum define rape as 'forced penetration' or some variation on that making it very difficult to charge a woman with rape because they would need to sodomize their victim.

Woman in those countries can hold a man down, wiggle his bit till biology takes over, mount up and go for a ride and it is not considered rape, from a legal perspective.

So the numbers are impossible to find out, because that sure as hell sounds like rape to me.

For the people that say 'he got hard so he must have wanted it'

1 please pick up a human biology book and hit yourself with it as hard as you possibly can and then open it up and look up the involuntary actions that the body can do, everyone with a penis that made it through their teens knows for a fact that it just does that on its own.

2 iirc there was a whole thing years and years back where the medical and scientific consensus was that a woman couldn't get pregnant without having an orgasm, leaving aside all the 'you wanna bet' cracks they took this to mean that if a woman got pregnant she obviously wasn't raped because she had a orgasm.

So that shit goes both ways.

But ya with all the different biased ways that male victims are tossed aside there's not going to be a way to know which side does it more.

You should have seen how mad the demons got about this one

Good heavens, wonder why that pic is censored before the post is even posted.

From 2017 tho

Wild how when you change a few words the number doubles, obviously not all of the rapists are female, good to see it when that happened anyhow.

Again though, no way to actually accurately confirm or disprove your statement.

I have no idea why it should matter either.

It's like the bargaining stage of grief and it's a terrible way to approach a very real issue.

Yes ok there's some bad women out there too, but the men, they're way worse.....

No neither is better or worse than the other, both women and men are just fine the way they are and throwing gender politics in the mix doesn't do much to help victims.

Let's focus our efforts on rapists regardless of which fiddly bits they have, there's going to be all kinds of different reasons people do it, some people are just plain evil some people take a look at the definition of rape they've been told and think what they did is no big deal because legally it's not rape.

[irregulardiaryposts]

01:37 16/02/2023

Well... its obvs been a while since i updated huh. reading back on some of those .. some of its nice ig and some of it is quite articulate but looking back on some of it with my perspective now, idk its sad but also a little cringe lol. but thats the point of a diary to keep it cringe and truthful to how im feeling in the moment. well anyway

its 2023 woooo im in my second year of uni and things are pretty okay i guess. im still a litlte lonely dont get me wrong but im sure things will get better. um. ive got an essay due at midnight on the 16th (technically today) and im like a third through it? but the first 1/3 is the easiest part cos its just explaining the concepts. anyway im behind on a lot of uni work. for no reason. at all. like theres no good reason behind it other than i need medicated i guess. maybe i really should get meds im an adult now so im hoping they can. its genuinely really affecting my uni performance i cant get out of bed most days during the winter cos its so so cold. why is the world so so cold. my feet are also so so cold. can you tell im procrastinating :P unis still lonely but also i barely go anyway so what would i know anyway. i got some hobbies i guess. anime has revived my want for a tumblr blog so in november i made a new blog for anime ToT. its fun tho i really do enjoy it its so fun and silly and i can be as insane as i want to over fictional characters. better than twitter by a mile cos well yeah. it has also reignited my want to make art, cos then i can post it and other people who are also insane about the same characters can enjoy it too. even if its kinda bad idgaf. the whole 'oh shit two cakes' meme constantly runs through my head.

ahh anyway i also like playing video games too, or ig the difference is i have the money to buy them and a decent laptop to run them on. so that helps fill the void of community im missing. i really miss people. and im a huge introvert for the most part (unless im drunk but shhhh) but i miss not being in my room 24/7. i guess the theme of this update is i need meds ToT. not that it will necessarily be a perfect solution sometimes theyre not but ig it doesnt hurt to talk to a doctor about it. that depends on if i can actually get an appt ahhhhh. i dont have too much to talk about ig just that im alive and barely staying afloat but not actively suicidal so *thumbs up*. i really do need to write this essay i would dislike to get an extension because then i would just put it off again until next week lol. im such a good procrastinator :D this definitely isnt detrimental to my non-existent work ethic.

maybe i can talk about something thats itching at me from my philosophy course. my essay isnt exactly on this topic but i rlly wanna formulate some thoughts on it lol.

so we're talking about what exists in the world right? things people would easily say exist are things like tables, chairs, frogs, dogs, atoms and molecules. things that are a little harder to figure out if they exist are things like love, morality, goodness, numbers, gender. the lists are not exhaustive but that kind of thing. and there's this concept of Ordinary Objects(OO) and Extraordinary Objects(EO). the first list has almost all OO, which are defined as being highly visible objects right before our eyes (that do not escape our notice). the atoms and molecules make things tricky in philosophy as nothing can ever, ever, be simple in this subject. anyway. EO are objects that are also highly visible objects that do escape our notice. you're thinking how can an object, a physical object, that is so obviously in front of us, escape our notice??? well you're not alone in thinking philosophy just makes up things along with justifications of said things just for shits and giggles, and calls it a day, cos that's exactly what i thought when i heard this the first time. and genuinely so much of philosophy is just postulating and theorising about this thing and that thing but its done with such earnestness and sincerity that i get endeared by these stupid dead guys. ANYWAY. the existence of EO are obviously controversial (of course) and even OO are argued too. but yes what are EO exactly? the example given in the reading was a Trog - an object that is composed of a dog and a tree trunk. no, they are not connected in any way, and no they don't even have to be near each other but they can compose this object called a Trog. this is what you can call an EO. it is highly visible (assuming the dog isn't microscopic and the tree is not invisible) and it is right before our eyes yet we never notice it. well of course, who would? but the question is do EO really exist or is it a baseless theory. well...

another example of an

[kyunsies]

i really need to start running again 

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I’m still so torn

Had therapy today. My therapist has been so amazing and I’m really glad I have her to process with. I really can’t afford it…but I also don’t think I can afford to not afford it especially now that my medication is up in the air. I definitely can’t afford the appointments with how the insurance policy changed with the psychiatrist.

Today we talked a lot about grad school and parental pressure, guilt, shame, and burden (all relating to my parents). Talked about life coaching.

I may finish out this semester of grad school and take a break, try out life coaching. I don’t know.

There is zero reason why I couldn’t be a life coach and market myself. I think I’d invest In a course if I found it to be a good fit. The industry has zero regulations which is what puts me off of it. There’s more protection in having my LCSW I think. Both need insurance on yourself tho I believe. The only difference I see that makes a big difference is that there’s no life coach data base (that I know of) like therapists have on psychologytoday[dot]com.

I really don’t think there is anything I will learn in grad school that I don’t already know or can’t learn. A lot of places continued doing free webinars after Covid, and I regularly attend trainings, listen to podcasts, read articles about things that help me as a social worker.

I know I have to “play the game” because everyone wants to see that piece of paper that proves you know what you know. But I don’t need that for life coaching. I have the experience and I have the bachelor level degree backing me up.

I’m good with social media when I put the time into it and I’d probably market via social media. I’m sure I can create a strategy that makes me stand out.

There is fear in the unknown though. The what if’s. What if life coaching doesn’t work out. What if it isn’t going to help me toward retirement. But I still have the bachelor degree and experience to demand higher pay.

I would take a break from grad school in January. I’d Like to take on some “clients” to help with finances and career coaching as I think there would be people willing in my adhd Facebook group. Small fee. Test the waters. If I find that it’s doable, that I like it, that I feel competent, then look into training for it (again, it’s an unregulated field. I’m just looking for a program that will guide me with structure that isn’t a scam). And probably wouldn’t continue grad school.

I’m miserable. My therapist said I have a lot of “grit” especially for someone that doesn’t even want to do what I’m doing. My motivation is the fear of disappointing my parents yet again. My motivation is fear of the unknown. But I am not happy right now. 16 months isn’t a long time in the perspective of a whole life, but 16 months is a long time to feel absolutely miserable. To resent every hour I put in to this work. To resent every hour it takes away from M or things I enjoy doing. For what? I don’t even know that I wanna be clinically licensed…I don’t want to diagnose. I barely want to be a therapist anymore. I don’t want an admin or supervisory role.

Idk when I started caring so much about what my parents think. I was never afraid to rebel in the past. To go my own way.

I think now maybe it’s just that I am holding the shreds of our former relationship, I am actively watching my relationship with my parents fall apart. Because I couldn’t play the good Christian girl anymore- someone I never was. A role that caused me nothing but grief and shame and depression.

I am proud of the person I’ve grown into, the only thing I’d change is my mental health. And so much of my mental health challenges come from trying to be this perfect person that I am not.

I don’t think anything is gonna save my relationship with my parents at this point. They wholeheartedly believe I am going to hell unless I repent of my sexuality. Anything else in comparison to that is still failure in their eyes.

No matter how hard I work, they will still see me as the gay daughter who’s sleeping with the wrong genitalia. If I finish grad school or drop out, I am still marrying M, I am still starting a family with him. So why should any of this matter? I will never make them as happy as they want me to make them.

[lucidpantone]

Do u consider druck as two distinct parts, that being before s6 and after s6? i do! Druck, pre s6 was a reasonably solid show, imo it was in line with how u've described italia. i would've trusted them to be innovative and creative enough to take the show further, perhaps following the trials and tribulations of a group that was entering adulthood. But Druck from s6 - s8 is a different animal. The strong seasons are way behind them. These seasons are/will be full of could haves and should haves

I consider all new gens their own thing.

I think once a squad comes to an end and a new squad is introduce its like a whole different skam because the objective of the show changes it goes from being a remake to being an original series with new characters and alot of the issues I find in druck, skamfr and wtfock is how inconsistent the objective of writing an original script has become.

Also the original seasons I like the most use alot of the OG to build the main out so Nora (druck) and Arthur (skamfr).

My issues with Druck new gen is the complete lack to actually move far away from the OG and actually write original content that is thought provoking and explores teen hood from the perspective of german teens. Druck relies so heavily on the og script and i am yet to see an original piece of writing from them that explores a new topic. Nora was an extension of kiki and so the topic wasn't new it was kiki's topic extended out to her family which makes total sense since addiction can cause a ton of harm to the children of addicts but it wasn't a new topic something druck wrote from scratch.

Skamfr on the otherhand only writes new topics but they never feel whole. Bilal, Jo and Maya all have very interesting topics that could go so many different directions but I feel like we never come full circle in their seasons. Bilal/Jo I get they chewed way more off then was possible cuz you can't tackle poverty, the politics of minorities seeking gov help, financial literacy and the pandemic in 5 episodes. Where you can't tackle hiv and a family coming to terms with it and the main suffering from it and informing us about their journey on how to get medicated and educated. Like that season needed to be two seasons. Maya season idk....... I dont hate it but it feels alot like fatou's season in away. Way to much focus on the love plot and not enough on the main. Funny enough I feel like Tiff's season is the most consistent. And I think its because it was strait forward lets cover teen pregnancy in 10 episodes. Versus a million other things. Wtfock I can't even comment on because Idk what that season was aside from a fucking trash fire. I still can't believe a production company would allow such a mess to air and put their names on it. I would be fucking embarrassed. Skam italia funny enough even tho its original for me its just more of the remake since we arent leaving the squad we are just exploring someone else we know very well.

[mcd-ms-rants]

I wrote the whole post and TUMBLR DECIDED TO DELETE THE WHOLE THING

anyways it’s finally here

take

STUFF I DIDNT LIKE ABOUT MYSTREET SEASON 4:

• ok but the animations here are great. actually tho they're so fluid and clear. Credits to whoever made them!!

• and now let’s do the real thing

• ok so first off this is where the actual plot starts. I know that some people were getting bored of the monotony of the slice of life episodes so they liked it. Again there’s nothing inherently wrong with having it but you have to remember that these characters most likely weren’t written to be in a plot and I say this because their personalities are funny and lighthearted. Their clearly meant for comedy. This also makes them redundant for plot since most of them a few characters barely have any development which is probably why like half the cast was dropped. im not sure how far back jess had planned the plot but needless to say most of the characters wouldn‘t be able to fit there. Travis, Katelyn, KC and the sk’s just dipped for the whole season and even when kc, Travis and Katelyn do show up in s5 their personalities really took a beating

• WHERE DID LAURANCE AND DANTE GO?? We never see them after s3. its probably because their personalities were too funny for plot but laurance was a shadow knight in mcd and since the whole of mys is so hyped up on the whole ‘mcd and mys are connected’ thing by all means he should’ve been there too

• it makes sense that since the lodge is jointly owned by the Ro’meaves and the Lycans, Garroth, Zane and Aaron- and by extension, Aphmau- would come along. it make sense that they would ask Lucinda for help- she’s a skilled witch and has been their friend since high school. theyre literally neighbors. it makes NO SENSE to being Kim- a girl whom they’ve barely ever interacted with and whom they barely know- to a place meant for close family to go to. Ok from a plot perspective yes Kim needed to be there but Aphmau logically doesnt know that yet.

• how does ghost/emmalyn even exist?? We’ve seen emmalyn and kenmur in s1 and they’re ok. not dead or anything. Yes I know that this is mcd emmalyn and she is directly referencing mcd Zane when she says that’s the only name she remembers from when she was alive but that raises two questions- first, how can both mcd and mys versions of her exist at the same time?? and second, what exactly happened between her and mcd zane?? It sounds like she either hates him way more than she loves kenmur (or she’d remember him too) that it’s the only name she remembers or its Stockholm Syndrome.

• I feel that since the plot demanded a ghost vessel thing that was the only reason Aphmau brought Kim. it’s pretty clear that Dante and laurance wouldn’t fit the role because of their personalities so she just remade an older character and changed her completely right down to her skin to fit the plot. her whole personality changes with it- look at her I mean she even becomes more open when she talks. Again this only happened because none of the existing characters could fill that role because IT WASNT MEANT TO HAVE PLOT

• no one likes you michi girl take the hint

• seeing liochant brings back meMoriEs

• what was that potion that lucinda made and which Garroth threw on Zane?? its clear that it cured him from the effects of the forever potion but the bigger question is WHY DONT THEY USE THIS IN S6?? Ok yes in s4 Aphmau gets freed by the power of love(TM) but that doesn’t mean you do that for everyone

• as someone who liked Laurance’s character I miss him :(

• ok there’s WAY TOO MANY PROBLEMS with Ein and his villain shtick. Ein is basically some obsessive werewolf yandere boy who has an unhealthy obsession with aphmau and hates Aaron. and the cherry on top is that Aphmau is his HALF SISTER. THATS INC*ST. That’s GROSS. What is it with Aphmau antagonists and not having a clear motive or backstory?? mcd Zane and Ein both suffer from this and it shows. there were definitely better motives to give him- he doesn’t have to be centered around Aphmau all the time!! And even if you don’t want to go to all the trouble of rewriting the plot you could at least make it so that Ein knows that he and Aphmau are related. Maybe he wants a perfect sister instead and he’s willing to go to any lengths to get her there. it would still be dark and serious but it would be SO MUCH BETTER than the current plotline. Also showing the contrast between his pdh and s4 self and then not giving any semblance of an explanation really makes it difficult to imagine where it all went wrong. yes Michael definitely had something to do with it but to what extent?? How much is Ein actually in control of?? Is he under the influence of a forever potion when he turns Zane, Lucinda and Aphmau to his side?? Is he still under its influence when he fights Aaron?? look I get that they can’t reveal everything but leaving out THIS MUCH and not even revealing it in s6 makes it very difficult to accurately nail Ein’s character.

• how is Aaron even revived?? is that Irene?? how is she here and what is she doing here?? Can we have answers pls. also it makes no sense that she saves Aaron TWICE- once in s4 and second in s6. How does death even work here if Irene can just swoop in and bring them back to life. i feel like none of the villains ever count as threats then because you know that a cryptic mysterious goddess who somehow looks just like your girlfriend will revive you.

• how did Aaron even survive?? No seriously how?? We know that there’s no service or wifi up there at the lodge so using their phones is out of the question. i don’t think Lucinda would be able to conjure up a whole medical team for Aaron. and they're on a MOUNTAIN. It takes precious time to get down from it. for context, even if they sent Garroth (since he’s the fastest) down to get help they’d have to wait for him to reach the village area at the base of the mountain, get a phone, call for help, wait for said help to arrive and get Aaron to a hospital. meanwhile Aaron is bleeding out from multiple gashes on his chest made at like point black range that are critical at best and fatal at worst. (his only saving grace is the snow he’s on which would help to numb the wound because its cold but he has like FIVE deep chest wounds and the snow isn’t even on his wounds.) Ya sorry I don’t see how he manages to survive.

• did I mention that I miss Laurance?? • Why is Aaron not at a hospital I don’t even see a ventilator or oxygen mask near him. Listen I’m not a medical expert but those gashes landed straight on his chest which means straight on his lungs and dangerously close to his heart. how is he alive. how is he not choking on blood right now. we know he’s bleeding out- I’m pretty sure one of the doctors even says “Mrs Lycan, we need to draw more blood for your son.” yes he’s bleeding out why is no one trying to idk stop the wound through pressure with a cloth or something?? (Note: it’s been a while since I’ve watched s4, so if I do get anything wrong thats why!!) also why are the werewolf doctors so chill about Aaron’s ultima eyes? like yes they’re doctors they could’ve been sworn to secrecy or maybe they work for the Lycans but Derek is shown to be really paranoid about anyone finding out about Aaron being the ultima. how does he know they won’t tell it to someone else??

k imma head out now-

thanks for reading!! <3 <3

[heiterbroward]

Riverdale prome

Ok so first things first, I expected this episode to be bad...but I didn't think it would also be boring af! Kinda awk for an ep called "climax" to be as anticlimactic as it could get without boring people to literal death.

Anyway, let's start with Bughead. Is there a reason the whole town is at their beck and call? Like all they have to do is ask and suddenly Kevin, Cheryl, Reggie, etc. will all stop what they're doing (which is nothing but still!) to do favors for Bughead...including making a snuff film? Like ok...first of all, why do they want kids watching this to google what a snuff film is? But also, they were all pretty excited to take part, even Kevin. Like we get it, they all get turned on by it! Jk it's not sexual (isn't that the excuse they used for the tickle porn plot? Anyways...).

Also, the part where it was playing Hal's tape at the weird place, Betty looked shaken by it and had to stop for a min. But I thought her dad being the Black Hood is badass and a good card to pull any time they need to hurry up and solve a case? At least, that must be what she wants Jughead to think. And he takes at face value that she's unaffected so he can keep living out his fantasy of dating Dark Betty! I'm surprised he didn't suggest that she kill him on tape! Jk tho bc they have great communication. Also nice to know Jughead can just threaten someone to beat up Brett bc he has Serpent connections in prison. Like damn, all Bughead's schemes are contingent on nepotism. No way the Jughead fake death plot would've worked if they didn't have FP (the police), Charles (the FBI), Dr. Curdle (the medical examiner), etc, all in on it! They're kinda like Nate from Euphoria js. Like are you a mastermind, or do you just have the privilege of having the town wrapped around your finger?

Don't even get me started on Varchie. Archie looked miserable af the whole time, so I guess he must've become totally joyless since getting rejected by Betty. But don't worry, he'll still ask Veronica to hop in the shower for a quick bang even though she gives him the ick as of late. Did he even ask her to prom? Idk! Kinda shipped him w that one dude from Katy Keene, but that's another story. I also thought Veronica singing "Carry the Torch" would be more sad bc it would show Veronica looking at Archie and maybe show flashbacks of them or something and the irony would be that he doesn't even feel those words about her like she does him...but they just showed a flashback of Barchie in the bunker and barely even showed Veronica during it at all. Like even in a scene where she should be important and her perspective should be shown, she's still an afterthought. Toni, too, but I'll get to Smithers in a min.

Also loved how there was no confrontation. Like Veronica didn't even get mad or anything...we didn't even get her thoughts at all actually beyond her crying. Like what does she make of all this? Doesn't matter I guess! Also funny how Archibald downplayed it like "it was just one kiss!" It's like ok? Last time, it was one kiss. This time, you sang a song about soulmates, kissed again, sang a song about finding each other in a wicked little town while experiencing mutual pining, had an emotional affair and multiple meet ups in the bunker, had enough feelings to write a love song to Betty, and was about to leave Veronica for Betty until Betty shut the idea down. But yeah, it was just a kiss!

Stg Varchie are gonna end up like the song "Me and My Husband" bc is there a reason she felt compelled to handle the situation with so much grace? Maybe too much? Can't let yourself get too upset bc it might "implode" Bughead? So what? Isn't Jughead entitled to the truth, or does Veronica still value Betty's feelings over her own for some reason? And Varchie will just date until graduation, then break up...why? It's like there's this invisible force that's making the couples feel like they have to stay together to uphold the status quo or something. Such toxic positivity. Let's act like nothing is wrong bc draguation is coming up! Ugh, don't even remind me of how Archie didn't even do drag in the Hedwig ep. But anyway, all their interpersonal relationships have become so fake and performative. Varchie's convo felt like a couple trying to discuss the best way to go about breaking up to have the best PR...everyone is afraid to rock the boat too much. And everyone else is reacting so unemotionally that Veronica feels out of place for crying even though her reaction is the probably the most normal. Just seems like Varchie both dc about their relationship at all at this point. And they're gonna put them back together bc her husband will be Hiram Jr. and she'll have no other options? K!

Speaking of toxic positivity, what's up w this message that you have to stand by your family no matter what? Veronica's friends were all in on knowing about Barchie and not one person decided to tell her the truth. And that mixed with Hiram's "disease" just made it feel like the only people on earth who will ever prioritize her are her toxic family. Same with Cheryl. Like since when is family the most important to her? She goes back and forth between loving and hating Penelope. And how am I supposed to think her Nana is someone good for her to be around when she raised a monster bootyhole like Clifford? Like you don't have to be endlessly loyal to your family if they do nothing but cause you trauma. No one is entitled to your loyalty.

Also, Choni's breakup felt just as robotic as Varchie's. Like "i will always remember our times together TT" or something and Toni says "ok bye babe." Plus was it supposed to be cute or iconic that Cheryl demanded prom queen like she demands all her parts in the musicals? Bc maybe for once they could've tried to give her a human moment and had her campaign for someone else to win. Or maybe have all her friends team up and vote for her without her demanding it to signify that she has actually managed to build some genuine friendships over these last few years. But of course she hasn't. No one has. Who talks in this show unless they need a favor?

Cheryl also kinda came off manipulative when she only expressed remorse when Toni was about to break up w her. She didn't think she did anything wrong before that bc she has never respected Toni's boundaries and views Toni's desire for autonomy as a personal attack/betrayal. This mixed with her losing touch with actual people who have been there for her (Veronica and Archie) in favor of becoming suddenly buddy-buddy w Bughead (even though they blackmailed her to save FP and only talk to her when they need a favor) and forming a possessive (and apparently not emotionally fulfilling since she was still seeking out Jason's corpse for companionship when they were together) relationship with Toni that she has now lost has left her feeling alone again...just like she did after Jason died. She hasn't made any progress in the past four seasons in working through her trauma and has only gotten worse. She needs to seek out healthy relationships with people who hear her out and offer her empathy/compassion but also stand their ground and have appropriate boundaries. Kinda like her friendship w Veronica in season 1, but it's not season 1 so I quit!

Also, is there a reason this was marketed as a storyline for Toni even though her perspective was shown zilch times? Right...but instead, Cheryl will go on about being "a victim of the family curse" while still standing by her family. Somebody help my bestie bc she needs to gtfo and go date Donna! I said what I said!

P.S. When Mary said endgame...and she thought I wasn't gonna clock her on that! Plus if Fangs wanted prom king so bad, why didn't he get mad that Kevin didn't stand up to Cheryl on his behalf or even try? Idk at least then, they would have dialogue!

[virghogh]

Idk if u answer random stuff about astrology but I wanna give a try…

Is there something in natal chart that can indicate ed? If u find this question inappropriate don’t answer.

That’s kinda stupid question so I am gonna ask that anonymously

Hey! Thanks for the ask, yesss I do like to answer any kind of random astrology question! Sometimes if it’s a topic I’m really interested in I’ll elaborate on it and make a whole post lol I’ve mentioned this a lot but I love exploring and theorizing in astrology. So I appreciate you expressing your curiosity and it’s not stupid! <333 But yes this is a sensitive topic and I have certain boundaries in astrology when it comes to stuff like this and I’d like to share my thoughts, so let’s explore:

CW: light mentions of mental health disorders and eating disorders

✧ For this question, I definitely understand where your curiosity is coming from! especially if you deal with eating disorders/attachments it can be helpful to understand where it’s coming from in your birth chart because sometimes our behaviors make us feel like we’re crazy. As we learn more about astrology it’s natural to wonder just how many of our little behaviors can be seen in our birth charts. But I’ll be honest, even tho I do believe we can find every little thing about ourselves in our birth chart, it doesn’t always mean we should. There are a few topics in astrology I personally am particularly sensitive with or don’t always like to talk about because it feels either inappropriate and like an invasion of someone’s private thoughts or parts of themselves. For example, I don’t always like to talk about sexual astrology.

✧ I also like to keep a boundary between real life problems and astrology. So talking about mental health and/or disorders, diagnoses etc. are all things that yes we could find clues for them, but these are very real life problems that need care and attention. spirituality and astrology have def helped me out of some deep mental spaces by making me feel like there is an ultimate purpose to everything and knowing that I have so much energy and potential, but I’ll never be someone that tries to discourage people from seeking professional or medical help. I myself have been through a lot of therapy and mental health care and support alongside my astrology practice <3

✧ Eating disorders in particular are a really sensitive topic because so many people are affected by it because of society and how we talk about body image and attractiveness. And since it’s something that’s so universally experienced, off the top of my head alone there are so many big or small placements and aspects that can contribute to body image issues that can then lead to a disorder. Also sometimes I’m cautious with this stuff because, until you’ve healed from your traumas, it can feel really invalidating to pin real life struggles and traumas on a few astrology placements.

✧ My ultimate goal with astrology is to help people understand themselves and their world, and see hidden potential so they can grow and heal. So If you’re really curious, in the hopes that you can better understand, accept and heal yourself; off the top of my head I’d say start by looking at your:

✧ moon sign and house, what planets it aspects

✧ maybe also your second house, the sign, planets in it, and where the lord is (ex: Taurus in 2nd, find Venus)

✧ you could also look at Jupiter

✨I hope this can be insightful and supportive, or offer a different perspective even though it’s not directly answering your question. There’s so much we can do with astrology and I choose to use it to heal <3 pls come to my asks anytime with any question astrology or not! ✨

[multi-fandom-zae]

MAJOR SPOILERS WARNING FOR FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER FOR MY FRIENDS WHO FOLLOW ME

After a day of reading tumblr on John killing a litterl terrorist and people Comparing him to hydra litterl nazis, Hayworth whi was trying to kill kids and Obadiah who was just evil to be evil and saying hes worst out of all them when it was pretty obvious simeones gonna snap if they been treated shit by everyone they met just for having cap sheild, I mean Johm basically got harshly treated by bucky and Sam after mant attempts to work with them, but when he becomes a ass back to them yall flip? So far Falcon and the Winter soldier haven't really established any bad guy, just people who've been pushed to the edge like walker and karli but jeez man killed a terrorist after seeing his best friend the one dude who didn't treat him like shit for having the sheild or didn't put a insane amount of pressure on him for having to fills caps shoes and just told him to the best he could be, die right infront of him and yall are expecting him to keep his cool like imagine your best friend getting killed by a terrorist group accident or no accident and you find one of them and their best excuse is "It wasn't me" like theres no remorse in that sentence just "It wasn't me even tho I support the person who killed him and will always be by her side" I mean this whole world just treats John shit to I'm surprised he hasn't snapped before, I mean he's gotten close to win the guy literaly spat on him (I don't care how much of a ass you think a person is YOU.DO.NOT.SPIT.ON.A.PERSON that's like the most disrespectful thing john just asked where was karli and the dude spat on him THEN john played the "do you know who I am" card after seeing being nice didn't work he went to intimidation but it still didn't work, John losing his cool was definitely not ok but it doesn't make him the worst person on earth that just makes him human, one thing can sum this up perfectly "All it takes is one bad day" For those who don't know this it's a iconic joker line where it means it only takes one bad day for a person to snap Batman had his one bad day and would've snapped if it hadn't been for Alfred, This is would've been John's bad day, he feels absolutely worthless to the point he felt the need he couldn't be a hero without being a super solider and then watched his friend die, its quiet a miracle that he just stopped at blood and didn't yeet the corpse halfway to Germany

I'm not saying John is a saint, I'm not saying hes a ass I'm just saying cut the man some slack, look at what you would do from his perspective after being treated shit by everyone while simultaneously being pressured by everyone

Something that really annoys me is the fact yall keep defending bucky for just being a ass, not just to walker but litterly everyone In the show that tried to help him, not to mention betraying the Dora miljage by releasing the guy who killed the king and acting like they weren't ment to do something when he refused to release zeno to them even after giving him a deadline

Now I've seen alot of people say "well the dora miljage betrayed bucky 1st by not trusting him" and I say to yall THIS IS LITERALLY PROVES THEY COULDN'T TRUST HIM and even then that's most likely not the case cuz if they were really afraid he snapped back into the winter soldier they would use a remote not get next to the literal spawn of black air force energy, in all honesty it was most likely a medical thing, cuz if bucky ever gets knocked out with his arm damaged they would have to remove it some how. Not saying we should hate bucky like how yall currently hate john like I said this show hasn't really established any villan characters Just people who've been pushed to their limits trying to do the right thing but going at it in the wrong way

Also one thing I'd like to address, Steve has also killed, most of yall try to push it off by saying "oh but its war so its justified" and I say killing a terrorist isn't justified to you? Idk if it's just my DC fan side but killing a terrorist is justified to me (and while the next thing I'm say isn't 100% confirmed but sorta likely so only take this with a grain of salt) Also Steve would've killed Tony with that sheild but thankfully he came to his senses, if tony had actually killed bucky rather then just blow off his arm Steven most likely would've killed that man with only slight hesitation

TL:DR: Give John some Slack, No ones currently a villan, Hold bucky accountable aswell, And steve most likely would've killed with the sheild aswell

If you actually read all of this your amazing, If you just read the TLDR i would suggest just reading the john walker part

Overall have a good day!

[divine-draws]

okay i had a whole google doc that i wrote a buncha shit but imma try to CONDENSE it and make my ideas more clear bc there was some wishy washy in there. BUT dabihawks ice skating au bc im gay for that shit. all of it under the cut bc this shit is gunna get LONG. buckle in fuckers. ALSO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT this i will be happy to answer shit :3c

SO fair warning before we begin. i know shit about ice sports. im like 1) not THAT educated nor have i legit participated though ive always wanted to and 2) this is just self indulgent so like if i dont get shit right or whatever dont come at me bro. im here to have FUN and live a bit vicariously. also as for location of all this shit i dont know and dont care and am american so my perspective on things are skewed. anyway cw: abuse mention

so dabi (touya) is a previous figure skater

he’s a figure skating prodigy 

enji was a pro hockey player (id say figure skating but this man was BUILT like a brick shithouse idk man) has a lot of championships under his belt but doesnt even begin to touch the legacy of his one sided rival yagi toshinori

him and rei meet and marry at a young age. she like.. actually liked him then?? shit was kinda okay but things kinda.... got bad quick. the abuse etc was ... yeah. she ends up having dabi and fuyumi (they’re twins babeyy) at a young age too and kinda doesnt feel like she can get out of her horrible marriage 

we wont dwell too much on the bad part of all of this though. anyway rei was a figure skater

p well known and known for her fucking GRACE god she moved so well on the ice.

she was so beautiful and spoke through her movements and enji loved that... and so as a hockey player and with a (now previous) figure skater wife he was like aight my kids WILL take up an ice sport and be the FUCKING BEST

dabi isnt made for hockey. enji tries to get him into it but it’s... nah... fuyumi isnt the best with figure skating. she’s good!! and her and dabi do some pair skating when they’re younger but it’s.. hm. dabi is the one with the clear talent here. (fuyumi is a beast on the ice when it comes to hockey though. will dominate. but she kinda... didnt really continue with it)

enji isnt PLEASED that his son isnt gunna be a hockey player but he still values figure skating and will fucking make sure he’s the BEST at it. and so the brutal training starts. he gets some good coaches and also takes up the coaching mantle 

the thing is.. rei was amazing as a skater but her body just... wasnt really made for all of that??? and dabi unfortunately kinda inherited that. his body hates the impacts and such. he’s amazing at figure skating. he has a grace similar to his mothers but there’s something more fierce to him. 

and honestly !!! he gets far!!

also natsuo comes around. he’s a bit too clumsy for either sport and resents the fact that him and fuyumi are neglected by their father. he also loves touya and gets so pissed seeing his brother so hurt

and shouto is born and this kid was made to be on the ice. he’s skating from the moment he can fucking stand on his own.

obvs enji’s attention is split but it’s mainly on touya who is winning championships and GOING places but it’s still not good enough

anyway idk how far he goes?? but it’s the biggest competition yet and on ice mid routine he lands wrong

one thing leads to the next and he’s pretty much medically retired from a young age. he can skate. he can still kinda preform but he cant do what he used to at ALL and he cant keep up with the brutal pace enji sets. there’s a lot of trying to push him still and it’s just.. not happening

for all it’s worth dabi is kinda glad he isnt doing it anymore. but he fears for his babies brother. shouto is a natural and while yes being a professional athlete of any sort is brutal on your body, his body is a lot more capable

but like touya before, shouto is pushed to his absolute limits. bleeding and injuries and puking his guts out from being pushed too far

there’s a lotta resentment but he still pushes through w skating. 

(side note but there DEF is some todomido/tododeku w hockey player izuku who ends up being coached by THE yagi toshinori and who helps shouto out w making shit his own)

anyway so in the end dabi ends up working at a rink tho lol

it’s p much owned by shigarai and run by the lov (who in this au end up making their own little ragtag unofficial local hockey team p much and play games against other teams like them)

despite his father’s whole career, dabi does enjoy playing hockey with these dipshits

but yeah he enjoys his time working at the rink, fucking around and sleeping in random places and sometimes running the zamboni

he’s also best frenemies with shigaraki. they get along and both deal with a shitty upbringing and despite some slight animosity they both would kill if someone fucked w the other 

(also at some point dabi DEF teaches some little kid classes lol)

also dabi does sometimes skate his own routines from time to time. only when he’s alone really. though fuyumi has a pass to be there though he will gripe still

SO HAWKS AM I RIGHT??

now there is a couple ways to go with this and somewhere in me there is an au with hockey player hawks who takes skating lessons from figure skater dabi BUT

i think for this au we’ll just say he was a figure skater from the get go

i think he WANTED to do hockey as a kid. like shouto he’s also a fucking natural and was skating as soon as he could fucking stand and walk. and he looked up to enji and kinda wanted to take up hockey but 

listen,,, trans hawks. who wanted to be like todoroki enji and be a pro hockey player. shit just.. didnt work like that though and besides he’s a tiny dude and god he’d be fucking obliterated 

he kinda is self taught and the ice is his escape from his shitty home life

idk how this works but listen gotta tie in the commission somehow???

he’s scouted or whatever for figure skating at a very young age and his mom is happy to take the heavy scholarships and happy to sign him over to skate for these ppl and have them push him to be The Best

and this kid is FAST. he’s fast and is insane with his jumps and stg it almost looks like he’s FLYING (which gets him the nickname hawks)

the coaches are brutal and shit sucks and a lot of the time it kinda sucks the life out of the sport but he still enjoys it

he has a love for outfits that legit have flare to them (also im thinking of johnny weir’s one outfit w the feathers but yknow instead of white they are RED) and while he does do routines to boring ass music he mainly likes doing shit different (also dabi was p much forced the whole time to do shit to that boring ass music but on his own he’d use his own music taste to skate to)

and he’s good!! he GOES places. he’s like makes it to the olympics at a young age and is one of THE youngest gold medalists for figure skating

im sure somewhere along the line him and dabi DID meet. it was at some competition and hawks was VIBRATING bc there’s ENJI and he wants and autograph and oH GOD IS THAT HIS SON??? he’s HOT. (and at this time dabi still had his red hair and like no piercings and what little ones he had they were out but this dumbass will not recognize him later on)

but god he needs to chill TF out or he will fuck up in the competition 

he hears about dabi’s whole accident and like feels for him but again it’s not like they were friends. there was more of a slight rivalry and they barely spoke if they did

but so idk like.. between seasons hawks finds himself going like nearly every day to this rink.. aka shigaraki’s rink (also sidenote but lbr it’s really run by shirakumo who kinda has to fucking herd the cats w this group)

as frenemies dabi and shigaraki share their distaste for some of these pro athletes (tho some get a pass) and kinda complain about hawks a bit tho like..... shigaraki cant complain TOO much bc of the money from hawks renting out the rink for a few hours almost every day

dabi is too gay for this shit when he actually sees hawks in action. rip him 

tbh they dont really interact tho (besides dabi telling him to gtfo the rink or he’ll run him over with the zamboni) until one day that hawks catches dabi skating

he was done and should have been gone but he forgot something on the bleachers and then he sees dabi and.. oh boy he’s GAY AF

and also dabi is RLLY GOOD???

and so hawks makes a FOOL of himself and startles the poor guy and p much presses all the wrong buttons w asking why he doesnt compete or something

and i mean im sure they had some SLIGHT progress w talking before. nothing significant but god the walls go RIGHT THE FUCK UP and dabi is pissed

tbh dabi was gunna get to the point where he LEGIT talked to him and maybe lowkey asked him out (he says this but shigaraki calls his bluff) and now there is no way. he storms off and tries to avoid him so hard

and hawks tries to corner him a bit but after some time he does manage to corner him and be like pls just let me take you out to dinner to make up for that shit????

aaand dabi accepts bc listen okay he cant say no to free food ??? like he’s kinda pissy w this guy but also.. listen he has EYES 

anywayyy p much this just leads to them dating

hawks DEF looks him up and watches all the vids of him and like the idiot he is realizes that he met him before ( “oh my GOD i know you” “uh… we’re dating i hope u know me?????”  “nO I MEAN WE MET AT (insert comp)��)

but before that dabi did like tell him some shit. mainly about like how he used to skate blah blah and the whole thing that ended all of that

he doesnt really delve too deep into like his shitty childhood until well later

idk what leads to it but the convo finally comes up and it’s so draining for dabi and hawks is horrified and ready to fight his dad (“listen i just sharpened my skates i’ll just-”)

anyway some side things bc this is long and i will answer questions on this tho

rumi is a women’s pro hockey player and fuyumi who actually follows hockey and shit has the BIGGEST crush on her (they end up together)

also natsuo comes to see one of the leagues games (he hasnt really seen them play tbh?? he hears about it from dabi but he lives like at least a few hours away on campus and is going for med school so rip him) and like he meets shigaraki and anyway dabi is losing his FUCKING MIND bc his best frenemy/boss and his younger brother are FLIRTING. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM???

dabi and hawks are really gay together and have skated together by this point and made out on ice a few times and shigaraki was miserable and is like “NOW U KNOW!!” and dabi is pissed bc “yEAH BUT THAT”S MY LITTLE BROTHER??? IT”S NOt thE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog - 2012 annual

iirc the annual takes place between 7 and 8, or something. whatever, im gonna go for it

shifts in art style always throw me off phewwww

i cant remember what theyre doing but i find it really funny that first aid is there squaring the fuck up to punch shit

ah yes of course how could i forget the time they shrunk down to fight tiny robots in ultra magnus’s head. a comic classic 

poor magnus lmao

HBJSDKFBSHJFDHJSD HIS TERRIFYING SMILE HAUNTS MY NIGHTMARES. LOVE IT

love the continuation of magnus’s law-vision

the fact that everyone is dunking on magnus for smiling ONCE hvbhjdksbfjks

rewind and chromedome ough

i feel like cyclonus spends 90% of his early mtmte screentime staring broodingly out of windows lmao 

tg so precious

lmaooo i love the flashes of rodimus saying ‘til all are one’ All The Time

rodimus just wants to be like his dad ok

rodimus telling drift to go meditate or something vbhjfdbhdsjkf

i love rodimus calling magnus out on referring to himself in the third person lmaoooo but also I'm like Oh I See That [eyes emoji]

wish i had emojis on the computer sigh

lmao so the circle of light is a bunch of pacifists With Big Ass Swords

them betting on how long it'll take rodimus to say ‘til all are one’ vbkjsdhbfjhkhsdf

damn so ambulon rlly did switch sides late in the game 

cyclonus is here!! being an emotionally closed-off fool as usual 

nooo rodimus let tailgate speak

cant believe rodimus graffiti’d tailgate

drift, immediately: rodimus is FUCKING POSSSESSED 

ratchet: ok, no, 

godddd everything abt the galactic counsel here is so funny. ‘its big - its grey - its taxpayer funded’ hvbkjshdbfjkdf and the fact that their ship is called ‘the benign intervention’ lmaooo

also DAMN that is a BIG ASS SHIP 

‘a fleshling in a stupid hat’ i love rodimus and his irrational hatred of hats

magnus comin in CLUTCH with the dry-ass clauses shit 

rewind vhjbdskfbaksdfn ‘the sub-section 7 defense - sneaky’ ily

tailgate hvbhjadkfbjskdf its ok that you don't know what's going on

also tailgate serves a vital role in the story as the audience insert character (or w/e its called), bc he’s often confused which allows for handy exposition that we the audience also need lmao 

i find it so interesting to see how the cybertronians are viewed by the rest of the galaxy - we don't see a lot of aliens but its always fascinating when we do, because of COURSE they’re mostly gonna think of the cybertronians as destructive and war-like when that’s what they’ve been up to for 4 million years 

ooof swerve :( swerve is one of those characters who you’re like ‘haha he’s funny’ most of the time but pretty often he’ll have startling moments of like, deep pain about life or w/e, and you’re like Oh Shit and then you kinda move on, until finally the swearth arc hits and it all comes together. what I'm saying is that this is some nice building towards that 

HGDSBJFKJSJBDF THERE IT IS THERE IT ISSSSSSSSSS

THE PANEL WHERE REWIND IN ALT MODE CAN FLY FOR SOME REASONNNNNN

i fucking love that shot so much. does everyone see this. rewind is a GIANT FUCKIN FLASHDRIVE and he’s hovering ominously thru the air. like, what happened to all the biz from issue 1 or w/e where his husband was roasting him for having a non-mobile altmode? if he can fucking HOVER than Actually rewind is the fucking coolest, no contest 

or like, is the implication that they all teleported there (having switched to alt mode along the way i guess?) and rewind is just like, suspended in midair? bc that's what the speed bubble text implies, but it also totally looks like they're just travelling across the area and rewind can levitate

anyways. that panel has always cracked me up lmaoooo

rodimus calling the council ‘fascists’ hvbhduifbjsdjfajskf sir i love you 

GODDD and there's the joke payoff from a few issues ago - rewind, facing front, hearing drift transform behind him and not only being able to tell its drift without looking, but also being able to tell that drift is upset, JUST like chromedome said he could....fucking PEAK i love that type of payoff humor

ooof and more swerve introspection. i mentioned earlier but i fucking LOVE how this series showcases the extremely wide range of reactions/coping mechanisms that everyone has towards the endless war finally being over - and swerve really nails it here: confusing peace with happiness, and assuming that everything would automatically be better after the war is over, when in reality you still have to work just as hard to build shit rather than break it

also i adore the horror of a guy who is half-embedded in the wall, his face stuck in a rictus of terror & death, waxing philosophical about how peace is about the freedom of choice, and how they should all just feel lucky to have survived...oof, that's very specifically ironic coming from you, dude 

but i do love the little characterization we get here for ore, a character who is literally already dead and has so far been used as a plot device pretty exclusively, but we still get to know little things about him here, and how HE feels about the war and the current peace, etcetc. it really makes the story and characters seem believable, like every character has a story even if we don't take the time to see it 

love cyclonus posing coolly 

kinda love how clear it is that drifts whole hippy schtick is just a front to cover his anger, and a tool to make him seem like an approachable, upstanding autobot

drift dramatically monologuing while pointing his sword at the sky is extra funny with everyone else just staring at him doing this

cyclonus why are you grabbing at the edge of the hole you're falling into, you can LITERALLY FLY, 

magnus finally getting some appreciation for being The most law abiding guy like, ever 

genuinely forgot abt the whole metrotitan plot that happens here 

GOD when rodimus is like BRAIN QUEST TIME and then we smash cut to them at the brain ‘six minutes later’ vhbhkudfjbjksf i live for that shit 

also that would be even funnier animated which further proves that we need an mtmte/ll animated series, please, somebody, 

HBDSJKFSHDJF REWIND IS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY you cant even tell if he GENUINELY didn't think cyclonus could talk or if hes just being a dick but either way? comedy gold 

oh i adore the flashbacks being in a different artstyle, especially one that's so retro 

i love rewind being a history geek, and cyclonus passionately explaining cybertronian creation theory

HHHH i fucking LOVE the myth/lore stuff like....a lot of franchises tend not to dwell in this type of mythology, you tend to get The True Version Of Events, but this kind of explanation rocks bc it totally sounds like the kind of religious mythology that naturally develops based on a species’ progression

and drift and ratchet’s very opposing and polarizing views certainty do make for interesting perspectives, tho i feel like the story sometimes leans too much towards ratchet being ‘more correct’ bc, logic! or something idk i feel like i used to have a couple mild opinions on this but i don't remember

and its funny bc i am, irl, an atheistic medical professional who believes in science above all else - essentially just like ratchet. but i feel like the narrative portrayal skews a little more in his favor than i’d like, despite that 

skids just out here being a bummer, completely unprompted. cant even blame you tho dude 

hhhhhh chromedome talking abt rewind ;_; 

and when he says ‘maybe there’s someone out there who can save your life, too’ and cyclonus is there....hhhh

god i fucking LOVE drift and rodimus’s entire relationship. the layers...the LAYERS!!!

OH HEY ITS THOSE ROBOTS SKIDS FOUGHT 

ah, inconvenient laser time!

ok i fuckgin love how cybertronian’s brains look just like the planet cybertron. that's so fucking great 

of COURSE brainstorm brought his shrink ray 

truly i love the convo between ore and swerve, especially overlaid onto everyone fighting 

oof, the themes and plot threads of this annual are all so nicely tied up (which is something i love abt mtmte, especially early on when the story is smaller), with swerve now choosing to disobey an order from rodimus

oh yeah, the circle of light! that's who you've been looking for this whole time basically! 

and then the ending, hearing that magnus smiled (willingly!) :) i love it

rodimus’s profile says ‘finds it difficult to sit still’ bc rodimus is an adhd icon

lmao i feel like over half of my sentences in this recap - and in most of my recaps - contain ‘i love it’ or ‘i love how-’ or some variation upon that theme. I'm predictable 

anyways - the annual! i love this issue. its really long which is cool and i feel like it does a lot to flesh out the setting and lore, and even the characters as well. also, as i said above, it does an excellent job telling an exciting and well-contained story, with solid story beats throughout and plot threads that emerge and get resolved all within this issue, even while leaving plenty of stuff up for future resolution. that's the Early MTMTE Special, and i adore it. tho i will say I'm glad we’ll be getting back to the regularly scheduled art style, bc this one didn't really do it for me 

[heesulovebot]

okay so,

the premise to this show is... 😬😬😬 idk but it irkes me that being gay is a literal plot device??? it’s quite insensitive.

for those who don’t know, sweet munchies is a new kdrama about a chef who pretends to be gay for a cooking show because he’s in desperate need of cash— he’s about to lose his restaurant, the only thing he truly loves, and his father has medical bills to pay. the synopsis for the show states that it will be an “atypical” love triangle, and it’s clear that instead of the het love triangle kdramas normally overplay, it’s a man (a closeted fashion designer) and a woman (the cooking show PD) falling for the chef— a straight man himself or at least that’s probably what it’s gonna be this is a JTBC kdrama ppl lmao

i know, this all sounds incredibly convoluted and extremely obtuse, and i don’t think i’ll be sticking around for most of this show because of these very reasons, but let me just take a moment to talk about kang tae wan (the closeted fashion designer) and how i’d lidorally die for him.

this entire time that the PD is pitching her show, i’m sitting there like “???????”. her perception of gay men is not only incredibly insensitive but so so ignorant. at this point i’m thinking that i’m just gonna drop this show right then and there, but then kang tae wan and her have a conversation.

he asks her why the chef has to be gay (finally, someone with braincells asking what i’ve been wondering the entire time), and she says that if the host is gay, he’s “not limited to men’s stories” (????) but also “won’t take just women’s sides” she thinks that a gay man could talk about other’s stories with his ~unique perspective (🙄🙄🙄 straight woman on her fetishist bs WBK).  but then kang tae wan shuts her down immediately:

“just the fact that you think that way— has the thought that you’re already prejudiced ever crossed your mind?”

(also lemme just add that i love the sassiness this conveys in the korean language because he’s using highly formal speech and it’s *chef’s kiss*). he rejects her offer (she wanted him to be the idk like wardrobe department for the show) and she gets a lil’ desperate and blurts out that it’d be a good chance to target female customers because everyone wants a gay friend, right???

he calmly (because it wouldve been ON SIGHT if that were me jgdknkdjnf) tells her that people aren’t things to be bought or to be had and she’s embarrassed af lmao. so he basically called her out on her fetishism and tokenism in one fell swoop and i was quiet impressed that they actually addressed that in a drama whose premise is basically just that. it’s a set-up for one big queer bait. selling this “atypical” love triangle to the audience.

because oh my gOD do the male lead and kang tae wan have aMAZING chemistry. and honestly i would be more mad but it’s a treat to see these two actors in a scene together, they’re seriously good. it’s heavily nuanced and i hate and love that they use such romantic angles and mood whenever they’re close to each other (btw has someone giffed the scene where he’s taking the chef’s measurements and the chef is just a nervous wreck at their close proximity— like there is no heterosexual explanation and yet leave it to kdramas to make it het lmaoooo).

anyways i lidorally have no idea why i started this post kang tae wan just gave me a lot of feelings and i’m high key hoping that they handle him delicately because even though they haven’t mentioned it he’s clearly a closeted gay man struggling with his sexuality (his conversation with the “gay” chef heavily implied so— his micro expressions??? i may or may not have teared up...).

and just the fact that they’ve already shown us 3 tension-filled scenes with the chef and kang tae wan, and haven’t shown us anything romantic for the female lead and the chef has me like 🤔🧐????

am i hopeful? i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t lmaoooo. if this was a thai drama we know this would be a BL 👀 also my bi ass would love to see this turn everything on its head and have the chef realize he’s bi or something because he hasn’t specifically said he’s straight he actually seems very neutral about the whole thing but that may also be because his younger brother is gay (i know, i know. this will never happen in a million years but a girl can dream, ok???).

anyways i’m probably only gonna watch kang tae wan scenes because the actor is KILLING it with the nuance and i’m rooting for his character arc. and i do love me some angst (even tho i wISH they’d stop showing us The Gay Struggle™ for once). 

[hackedmotionsensors]

Here we go Endgame lets talk about it! 

BELOW THE CUT

So I’ll say this!!! Over all!!! I liked it a lot. For a lot of reasons.

I also HAAAATTTEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD a lot of some of the choices. That’s okay. We can have mixed feelings about movies especially the end of a saga. I think they did a good job of getting nods where they needed nods, bringing in storylines from previous movies and conversations that needed to happen.

And they fucking whiffed it on at least THREE REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS!!!

So lets start with what I liked.

1) STEVE TONY EVENT. DO YOU HEAR ME IT WAS A STEVE TONY EVENT  aaaah oh my god. From the second Tony lands back on the planet and Steve RUNS to him before even Pepper and he’s holding him and just the look of agony as Pepper takes him away and the fight where Tony says ALL THE SHIT WE HAD BEEN SAYING!!!! WHERE WERE YOU! YOU LIAR!!! and he RIPS HIS HEART OFF OF HIS CHEST AND GIVES IT TO STEVE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING BROKE HIS HEART YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP STEVE!!!!! FUCKK!!!! And then reconciling because “Resentment is corrosive” UGHHH!!! And Steve just barely containing himself when Tony shows up ughh!! UGHHH!!!!!!! AND THE ASS JOKE!!! THERE’S NO HETEROSEXUAL EXPLANATION ABOUT THAT!!!! TONY SAW STEVES ASS AND WAS LIKE TAN FRANCED IT LIKE BITCH YOU NEED AN FRENCH TUCK OF MY DING DONG IN YOUR BUTT!!! and Steve over the intercom being like “omg tony not in front of the kids” AND A STEVETONY SOLO MISSION!!!!!! 

A STEVE TONY...

SOLO

MISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TONY CALLING STEVE MY MAN  WOW. WOW. FUCKING EXCELLENT ON ALL ACCOUNTS THANKS SO MUCH!! I was given some bread thank you I will eat this stevetony bread nom nom nom nom nom.

2) Tony’s arc in this story was really beautiful. He finally got what he wanted, some perspective and closure with Howard. And I know initially you want to go “Hey Howard was really abusive” and yeah he was. But its complicated. Because Tony even says in Homecoming he was trying to break the cycle of abuse and he DID with Peter and Morgan. You can see just HOW MUCH he cares for his daughter and he was willing to say fuck you to the UNIVERSE in favor of not losing her. Its always a different perspective when you see your parents as people and not as YOUR PARENTS. 

Also Tony lying on the table with Natasha UuU. A lot of the interactions with Tony and the other characters were so good. Tony and Rocket. Tony and Nebula. Tony and Carol (tho brief). Tony arguing with Pierce like his little gay senses were like “This guys a nazi I bet”

3) I genuinely liked the Time Heist. I DID  NOT LIKE THE RULES OF TIME TRAVEL IN THIS MOVIE BUT I’LL GET TO THAT. But I looooved the Time Heist. From the New York stuff with Steve fighting Steve and knowing his dumbass loses his shit when he hears things like “Bucky’s still alive” and being done with his own stupid shit “I can do this all day” “YEAH I KNOW” (which btw at this point was basically the last thing he said to Tony in Civil War so maybe that doesn’t have its plucky little fire anymore and now is a sore spot). I loved Loki running away with the Space Stone (even tho as of now I’m still not sure what the FUCK THAT MEANS!? more on that in a sec) Loki making fun of Cap. Loki rolling his eyes at Odin. Tony dressed in a shield outfit screaming Medic!!! The gang all on the elevator and Hulk screaming about it and LOKI WAVING HIS HAND AT THE HULK AS THE DOORS SHUT!! TONY SITTING ON THE BRIEFCASE! SCOTT GOING “how the FUCK did you not know they were Hydra LOOK AT THEM They’re a COP!” Then jumping forward to the 70s and Steve’s legs that went all the way up to his asshole and Tony dressed as a doctor

I drew a doodle of it here you go lol I’ll post it properly later

oh did this not happen? Idk what movie you were watching.

4) The big battle at the end was SO FUCKING COMIC BOOK I WAS LOSING IT. Also I keep calling it the Battle of Five Armies or Return of the King lol T’challa BATHED IN A HALO OF LIGHT LIKE YES WE STAN A KING. MY WIFE

MY.

WIFE!!!!!!!!

VALKYRIE!!! ON HER BEAUTIFUL WHITE HORSE!!!! (also not being given an actual name and called Valkyrie is the funniest goddamn thing. Like that’s like going into a Footlocker and talking to the manager but calling them Manager)

CAROL!!!!!! WITH HER BUTCH ASS HAIRCUT PUNCHING THANOS IN THE MOUTH AND WRECKING HIS SHIT

WANDA FINALLY FUCKING FLYING. LIKE. F L Y I N G. THAT is what the Scarlet Witch is SUPPOSED TO DO!! SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE SO POWERFUL IT TOOK EVERYONE TO TAKE HER DOWN CMON!!!!!! And she almost got him too. Honestly if it were down to Carol and Wanda they probably could have ended Thanos alone. 

Korg coming back for more comic relief AND PUTTING HIM IN TAIKA’S PINEAPPLE ONESIE!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING.

5) This is controversial. And I know it won’t age well. And that’s okay and feel free to disagree with me entirely. 

But I liked Fat Thor lmfao. I know it was played as a joke for the wrong reasons but I laughed. I was like fuck yes his belly looks like mine and that’s not why it was funny and it SHOULDN’T BE but I laughed lol. But on the other hand I think it had partially to do with Hemsworth constantly being like “no no we don’t need a shirtless scene” or just sort of a gag at how Marvel always has a shirtless scene and its just kind of funny to have it not be someone cut. EVEN THOUGH its a fat suit and I can’t take off my fat suit but Hemmy can and that’s kinda shitty. 

but I laughed. I can’t help it. He was a whole ass mess and I thought it was funny. And I know there are Thor fans out there who wanted more for him but like I said before this was a SteveTony event. This movie and this win worked because it was Steve and Tony finally coming together again.

It felt honestly the most comic book Avengers of the entire series. 

And true to comic book events

it whiffed the landing.

Before I get into dislikes I’ll say that I liked this movie more than I disliked it. I cried H A R D at the end of the movie. Because its not a movie that’s an on its own kind of movie. You had to have gone through the journey to get here. The pay off is completely lost if you only watch this movie. Or you only watch one or two of the MCU. Or if you’re like a few people I’ve talked to where they only like Steve and Tony. Or they only like Thor and Loki. Or they only like the Guardians and hate the avengers. If you have hate in your heart for any of these characters the payoff of this movie is pretty much lost.

The theme of this movie is clearly about moving on when things come to an end. When things stop or end or we lose people we love you have to move on. Steve says that at the beginning of the movie to our apparent gay representative straight director Joe Russo.

But like Tony said before.

Steve’s a fucking liar lmfao

But lets not start there. Lets start with the fucking timeline.

I hate.

I H A  T E EEEEEEEEE TIME TRAVEL!!!!!! AS A PLOT!!!!!!! WITHOUT ANY RULES!!!!!!!!!

I enjoyed what we SAW of the Time travel but the rules itself DIDN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

So when they’re suiting up Hawkeye for the test run Bruce explicitly says that all these movies that say “if you go into the past and fuck up the past you fuck up the timeline and the present/future is fucked because you’ve changed things”

ARE WRONG. HE SAYS THEY ARE WRONG. He says “If you go into the past. The past becomes your present. But the present then becomes your future. So you can’t go back and un fuck your parents to make you. Or kill baby Thanos. because that happened and you can’t change that but you can change youre present”

WHICH DOESN’T

MAKE ANY

FUCKING

SENSE. BECAUSE THEN YOU AREN”T TIME TRAVELING!!!!!!!!! 

If you go into the past yes YOU are in your present but the world is still being written around you STILL so you go into the past and change something (loki making off with the space stone) that’s CHANGED. You’ve created a new reality.

THEY EXPLICITLY SAY THIS IN DOCTOR STRANGE AND Y’ALL I KNOW DOCTOR STRANGE WAS BORING AS HELL BUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO USE TIME TRAVEL AS YOUR STORY DEVICE THEN YOU CAN’T SAY THAT SHIT IN DOCTOR STRANGE DOESN’T WORK WHEN YOU’VE ESTABLISHED IT AS THE RULES OF TIME TRAVEL.

THE ANCIENT ONE EVEN SAYS “you create a new reality. And it fucks shit up”

LIKE!?!?!??!

WHAT THE HELL!!!

So now Loki has the time Stone in reality B, in reality A Steve goes back and puts the stones back where they belong (and I guess.....gives the soul stone to Red Skull????????? wouldn’t you try to get Natasha back????like that itself is a whole movie of Steve going back and putting things away but ??????) 

And then we get to the end of the movie where Steve says Fuck you to Peggy’s reality A family and now on this timeline where they’ve time traveled he lived an entire life WITH Peggy but like.......you were Captain America and you just said “No don’t worry about JFK being assassinated. Or the Civil Rights movement. Or stopping Bucky in any capacity. Or maybe saving MLK. Or Peggy continuing to join SHIELD. Or stopping ACTUAL NAZIS from infiltrating SHIELD.

Because if you go with this idea that Steve went back and “lived a life” What did he DO then. What did he FUCKING. DO?

You’re not Steve from 1940s going back to 1940s. You’re Steve form 2019 going back to 1940s. No wifi. No medicine. No cell phones? Gays are still being persecuted. You can’t drink from the same fountain as black people (or rather they can’t drink from your white fountain). 

You are.

CAPTAIN.

AMERICA.

and you just said nah fuck it its fine? This shit can all happen but I don’t super care because I get to dance with Peggy. Peggy who on her own had this whole life. Who did all this stuff IN YOUR NAME IN YOUR HONOR. Who married someone else. Who had a FAMILY. Who had a NIECE that you made out with. And just..... wha....

Like if he had gone back and danced with her but came back with Natasha in exchange for the soul stone but during his travels had aged. Or met someone else.

Like movie wise and story wise I get wrapping up Steve’s story. And maybe the person Peggy is talking about in the video of her in TWS is actually Steve from 2019. Maybe that’s it. But it still doesn’t make sense because they FUCKED UP THE RULES OF TIME TRAVEL SO WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.

So. lol I wasn’t a huge fan of Steve at the end of the movie. I know they needed to do something to end the movie with a finality. With Steve being DONE. But instead of finality or closure I just have so many goddamn questions. And I don’t hold it against Evans or even really the directors per say. But I’ll blame Markus and McFeely because they were writing since TWS. They HAD the Cap STORYLINE to write about and that was how they ended it.

its like when you pack for a very important trip and you plan out all your outfits but then wake up late and end up throwing whatever you can find into your suitcase and run out the door.

It felt final and not final.

But I’ll tell you this. From my perspective and obviously I’m going to skew it this way because its me and FEEL FREE to disagree with me.

He left because Tony and Natasha were dead. The two people that he felt the closest to (sorry Sam, Bucky and Sharon [who we didn’t even see as dusted wow]) were gone. Natasha and Steve had become a brother and sister. He would always come back for her clearly. Trying to cheer her up as she’s crying. Natasha understanding Steve’s feeling of being lost. Tony inspiring and fighting with Steve. Like that’s part of what I liked about this is taht you could really feel how Steve and Tony needed each other for this to work but also they needed to not hate each other. 

Also I kinda knew the second Scott said “That’s a one way trip!!” before the 70s bit that Steve was going to stay in the past lol What an asshole.

Also I don’t think it was very UN-Captain America because I think people don’t always realize that a lot of the inspo for the MCU came ALSO from Ultimates. And if Ults Cap was able to go back to the past he would have in a heartbeat. Who was a more depressed Cap? Ults or MCU? I just don’t know.

Now.

Natasha.

This was another one I kind of saw coming from a mile away as soon as it was just the two of them on Vormir. I was kind of hoping they’d Hawkeye a way out of the deal by like throwing his daughters picture or something like that. Or that it would be Hawkeye. But they both had an upcoming movie/series so I didn’t know which way it went.

And then there was that big jump. And I was like oh my god they did it right

AND THEN THEY FUCKING DIDN’T.

Wow. Wowwwwwwwwww

Markus and McFeely 

REALLY DID THAT

THE RUSSO BROTHERS REALLY DID THAT

THEY DID THE SAME FUCKING SCENE TWICE.

The first time you get because Thanos is a dick and abusive and he would absolutely throw his favorite daughter into the soul pit (which I guess Isn’t picky because she didn’t love him back she hated him but I guess its a one way street with the ol’ soul stone)

And they don’t say during that one (far as I remember) that its a permanent exchange. 

But they sure emphasized this time. And they sure killed the original avenger who was the only girl on the team. Who never got a chance to live.

Who Whedon made herself call heself a monster because she can’t have a family and then she gets a found family and then SHE DIES. THEY KILL HER. AFTER HAVING A FAMILY.

WHAT THE FUCK. Like...my problems with Scarjo aside (which are similar with my problems with Paltrow) You DID. BLACK. WIDOW. FUCKING. DIRTY. I don’t care that there’s a movie coming out that was her story. You were supposed to give her a fucking story. And now her story is only how she relates to her TEAM OF MEN.

And now to my last point that I didn’t like. And I don’t hate this one as much as Steve’s ending or Natasha’s ending.

I don’t like that Tony died. I know this is wrapped up in a lot of emotions I have about Tony Stark the character. Robert Downey Jr the person. Tony Stark the character in all his forms is very important to me and I love that he has many forms. 616, Ults, AvAc, Avengers Assemble, the MCU. But his story is important to me. And its heartbreaking. I’m tearing up a bit now writing this out. 

I’m just the type of person that hates that a character, in a fantasy setting where you have wizards, valkyries, robots, talking raccoons and trees, Dave Bautista, a giant green rage monster wearing chinos, that you have to take this one part and make it realistic. That we have to keep realism kill this character off because it doesn’t make sense if someone doesn’t die. Because the stakes aren’t high if you don’t make them personal as well.

Which is true like you don’t have high stakes (the planet or universe getting dusted) if you don’t are about some of the people in that universe personally.

I just would have rather he had retired. Moved onto his little farm with Pepper and Morgan.

I think they did right by Tony. Storywise, ending...all the stuff the dropped the fucking ball on with Natasha and Steve they gave to Tony. And on one hand I get it and I appreciate that because (sorry to nat and steve fans truly) I care more about Tony. Tony started this whole thing. In a miracle of accidents they got the right actor, the right story, the right character, the right director, the right timing technology wise, the right social mood and made solid gold. And none of this would have happened if it weren’t for that amazing accident that happened.

And I think it has more to do with not wanting to let go or move on even though i can always go back to Iron Man 1 at any point and start the journey over again and have a laugh but there’s always going to be that ending where its final. Its done. Its over. And in the simplest of terms. I don’t like it. You have to know when to bow out and I respect and appreciate that. I don’t wanna see Iron Man 8 with geriatric old RDJ trying to fumble into a mocap suit.

I understand. I appreciate. But I don’t have to like it as a person. And that’s okay.

Its all about moving on isn’t it? That’s the theme of the movie. Moving on.

Even if you’re steve and your moving on wipes out the existance of a whole other family lmfaaoidnsfasfada sorry sorry. 

Okay. yeah that’s all I think I can think of. I’m sure there’s a ton more other people have mentioned aside from what I wrote. Like its a LONG movie and I think its hard to say hey “they fucked this up” or “they got this right” for EVERY SINGLE THING. There were so many characters. Nebula’s story could have been better. Thor’s story could have been more involved. Hawkeye could have been more important throughout the series. Janet could have come back for the final fight and healed Tony. Like there’s a ton of “this COULD have happened” But it didn’t. And that’s okay. It may not be right but its okay. I think they wrapped it up as best you could while still making a good movie. I think you probably can go back after a long while and look at the Endgame and go yeah that wasn’t so bad for an ending. Endings are hard to do with any sort of skill. Its why the joke that the third movie always sucks. 

There’s still a ton of stuff to look forward to.

Falcon/Winter Soldier, Loki, Hawkeye, Wanda and Vision (i GUESS??? lol), Black Widow’s movie. 

Maybe Steve solved more than he let on who knows. WHO KNOWS. Maybe Mjolnir left him haflway through the journey when she knew he was going to ditch his 2019 family (who again....mostly dead now)

I love Tony 3000. Which I found out is more than a ton which makes Morgan Stark a lot smarter than I am lmfao

[apokine]

Anna told me to do the whole thing so here we are I guess

How did you choose your name? IDK I just wanted to still have a name that wasn’t like ~weird~ but still unique 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) even tho I got my tiddies removed i still feel kinda weird abt my chest if i’m not wearing a top lol…also a weird one but lipstick

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? social maybe? it’s just sort of there all the time so

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? what i always do when im feelin down - EAT LOTS OF FOOD

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? uhhh i think the first time i suspected it as a like TANGIBLE THOUGHT was this one time when i was out w/ friends and had to go to the bathroom and i absolutely had an epiphany in the bathroom that i wasn’t a girl hahahahaha

When did you realize you were transgender? idk how this is different from the last one and i dont rly remember when it was that i like officially stopped thinking of myself as a girl

What is your favorite part of being transgender? other trans ppl probably. stay awesome, trans peeps

How would you explain your gender identity to others? mostly genderless, but i fluctuate around

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? im out w/ family/friends, who all found out in diff ways i guess? some ppl i just told, i also wrote stuff on tumblr & fb about it

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? no experience with either lol 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? binding sucked haha i defo wore my binder way more than i should have and got that Big Back Pain so i eventually mostly stopped and then got my bops chopped off

Do you pass? nahhh (is it even possible to pass as nonbinary??? question for another day)

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? got top surgery, idk abt hormones cuz i dont see myself as transmasc and am not interested in looking Very Masculine but i would like to look Less Feminine

How long have you been out? uhhhhhhh year a half maybe???????

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? none, tho i wouldnt say i’m particularly ‘settled’ haha

Have you ever experienced transphobia? sure have

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? usually the women’s restroom, sometimes mens if it is more convenient

How does your family feel about your trans identity? mixed reviews lol, some of my family is super supportive, some of them are like “why are you doing this” etc

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? i mean i guess i’m stealth at work bc i worry abt my job

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? i wish that younger me just knew there were options i suppose

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use they/them bc she/he felt too gendered for me and neopronouns just sound too strange to me personally. I respect and admire anybody that uses neopronouns bc those ppl are paving the way for future generations to have more options that are normalized tho. I just can’t do it myself cuz I have a big fear of standing out which is totally at odds with like everything I wanna be lol

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? i dont think so but who fuckin knows

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? NOBODY’S EVER GONNA LOVE ME

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? i feel like this has already been covered by previous questions

What do you wish cis people understood? that my gender isnt anybody’s business!! who cares!! 

What impact has being trans affected your life? idk honestly. dont know where to even begin trying to measure that

What do you do to validate yourself? well sometimes i like to argue with strangers on the internet 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? i love the increasing representation in the media and it makes me very happy to see being trans normalized and validated, but obviously there still just isnt enough good representation

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? angel haze maybe

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? hmmm well i think that trans people i know irl are the ones who have given me the most courage. when i see other people come out or change their name or use they/them pronouns or WHATEVER i’m like “wow if they can do it i can too”.

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? i wouldnt say im really involved w the community in any way aside from just being present here on tungle dot com

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? pretty much the same

What trans issue are you most passionate about? affordable & accessible healthcare!!! 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? hey buddy i did it (am doing it?) and so can you

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? i feel like skinny white androgynous ppl are the ‘default’ nonbinary ppl which sucks. i esp feel the weight thing bc i feel like it really prevents me from being seen the way i want to be seen. on the class front, i feel fortunate that can afford surgery and whatever else i need

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? i feel like my gender expression is super feminine to other people. but to me i feel like my expression is pretty much aligned w/ my identity  

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither? neither

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? sexual - idk i think i need somebody to figure it out and tell me. don’t really feel like labeling it right now, but sex is just not big for me. romantic - panromantic cuz i just like everybody. somehow much easier to figure out than my sexual orientation

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? no preference tho if theyre cis they better not be a douchebag about it

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? honestly i’m a huge procrastinator LOLLL. as long as i keep telling myself ‘haha yeah it’ll happen eventually’ i’m just like ‘cool so i dont have to do it NOW…’ as long as i have the knowledge that it WILL happen im like..i can wait. If I think abt the possibility that it might not happen I freak the fuck out…for a bit I thought it might not be possible for me to get top surgery (due to medical issues) and I was in panic mode.

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? idk i guess i learned a lot on tumbles

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? not super often, i mostly know trans ppl that are just like acquaintances or casual friends. our interaction is limited to liking each others instagram or facebook posts lol

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? nah tho i think it’d be cool

Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer. i refuse to make up my own question 

[avoresmith]

Off anon so you can respond privately if you prefer. Read the recent update, and as always was blown away, however Jesse's bit threw me for a loop. I felt like maybe I'd missed something or didn't read too closely. So I went back and re-read parts of previous chapters with more 'intimate' moments Jesse's had, and I'm not sure how Jesse's dick works? Or why Genji did not remark on it or had anything to say at all besides 'big!' lol. I don't understand why Jesse was worried about chafing (1)

(Note: even tho those notes say 1 and 3 there wasn’t actually a second one... I didn’t leave out anything, lol)

So I’m just gonna start by answering your questions in the most straight forward way possible, then probably talk for a lot dissecting the expectations I’ve been seeing which I think is central to a lot of the confusion (I’ve gotten a number of questions on this in the past few days) since I think that is all pretty interesting stuff. 

So: yes, Jesse’s body is pretty much indistinguishable from what you might expect someone AMAB to have, unless you really know what to look for. I will go a bit into the expectation that he have some kind of physical tell below, but in a universe with healing bullets, people made out of nanomachine clouds, and cyborg ninja boyfriends, I think it’s entirely believable that phalloplasty will level up what little is necessary to where this is possible and a dude with the money/means could have whatever kind of dick he wants. 

And no one missed any ‘flags’, because I made this decision a few months ago, after I posted chapter 12. 

The story there is, essentially, I was seeing some fantastic art of characters being represented as trans and it got me thinking about how I might be able to contribute to this, and then feeling bad that I had missed my chance by assuming the boys in Truce were cis. Then I thought that is silly, there is no reason trans men need to go around ‘flagging’ themselves, or looking some particular way, there’s no reason my trans character can’t have a massive cock in a universe where he can also have a fully functional robotic arm. 

While it may not be how I would’ve included Jesse as a trans character had I planned it from the start of Truce, I still felt it was better to do than not do. And I’m honestly pretty okay with his story, I don’t really feel like I need to go back and leave hints or anything. The dude’s been living as a dude since before puberty, he’s been stealth for almost 20 years. He honestly forgets it was ever a thing or that people might care or assign specific expectations to him based on the knowledge that he was born with a vagina.

(The rest is very rambly and going under a cut due to length):

Now, on to the various expectations, which I’ve been thinking about a lot the last few months, because I did realize for a number of reasons people WOULD be confused.

So expectation 1: If you reveal something late in the narrative there will be hints of that reveal earlier.

I think this is really fair to assume and probably exactly what I would’ve done had I planned this from the start. But the fact that I didn’t really have that opportunity anymore has had me wondering a lot at this. Whether or not it would be better writing to treat Jesse’s gender identity vs birth assignment as something that could have been puzzled out, and the assumption that he would have in some way ‘revealed’ himself as trans before now. 

I don’t really have an answer to this, it’s just something I’ve been fiddling around with. There is no single ‘trans experience’. Jesse isn’t a tumblr baby, he would probably not tell people he identifies as trans, he didn’t have the support of a trans community. He grew up in an anarchist state where the only thing anyone gave a shit about was how good he was at a murder, and boy was he good at a murder. It was fairly easy for him to dress and act in a more masculine manner and expect to be treated like a boy at a young age just because that is how he was most comfortable and I doubt he put much thought into until his mid teens or so.

(This is somewhat idyllic, I could’ve easily made Deadlock hell for him on account of this, but chose not to.)

Anyway, as a result of me making this choice late in the game, I made his story such that it makes sense that ‘being trans’ isn’t really a part of his identity. But I might have given him a different story and perspective had I decided this from the beginning.

2) Next! Trans Dudes Look A Certain Way (or at least their dicks do). I’ve already covered ‘in my science future world there is really no reason for this’, but! When we are talking representation I think this is a really important thing to look at and talk about. 

I was honestly motivated to make Jesse trans BECAUSE of comments from trans people on tumblr talking about how it was nice to be able to see themselves represented as attractive and desirable, and I’m aware a part of that is TODAY, with modern medical technology and also just people’s monetary options, trans men don’t have the option to have what Jesse has, basically. And so there is I think huge value to normalizing what IS available to trans dudes today, over the narrative of 'one day, in the future, maybe this'.

And I really don’t want to dismiss that. Soft cocks, cocks that can only get erect via implants, cocks grown via hormones, vaginas, and any combination thereof or anything else I am forgetting, are all totally valid representations of men’s bodies and deeply want everyone to be able to feel like their bodies are beautiful and attractive and sexual and sensual really regardless of what is going on with their genitalia. 

So while I can easily create an in character, in universe explanation for Jesse’s trans experiences and his body being Kind Of The Traditionally Ideal Male Form, I thought a lot about whether or not to just leave him cis when I realized I’d already canonized his physical appearance and THAT wouldn’t be representative of what I think a lot my readers (some of whom are trans men) would be able to identify with?

=|a

But, there is also a lot I’ve canonized about Jesse other than his big beautiful dick, like his ability to be a total badass, his somewhat confused crawl toward leadership, his emotional intelligence, his perspective on the world that allows him to do what he does and also sleep at night, his recent tendency toward being a gay disaster, how incredibly far he’s come since his childhood to be the man he is today. 

In the end there is no one character who can represent All Trans Dudes, in body or spirit. So I figured it was better to be doing something to add even a tiny bit more perspective and visibility, rather than not do anything because I’d missed my chance to check every possible representation box.

(And, by the way, your question was VERY kind, thank you for asking it. I don’t want it to seem as if because I DROPPED A LOT OF WORDS here, I was defending against an accusation you never leveled. I have in fact been thinking about this a SHITTON and since I have had like... idk, six or so people approach me with different questions all on this subject, I figured I would offer up my take on the whole thing as transparently as I could.)

[mercurialsmile]

sorry in advance for such a...random question :’D but...I have pretty bad social anxiety. I was raised kinda sheltered, and now that I just graduated, I’m feeling so much pressure to not be a failure and do something with my life. It’s overwhelming. My depression can’t handle it. I was just wondering...how was college at first? I’m planning on going to community college, and I know you attend so I figured I’d ask. Sorry for such a depression question haha, I’m just having tons of anxiety.

Ah, it’s okay Nonny!! Tbh as much as I complain about college... esp my own community college... going to college was prob the best thing that happened to me after high school? And it helped me a lot w/ a lot of things. 

May not seem like it, but after I graduated hs i locked myself in my house for nearly a year and refused to come out due to my anxiety. I only started going out once a week to play dungeons and dragons with a friend I had, who introduced me to some other people I knew of by association from hs. Even then, tho, I had bad anxiety. You get stuck in a loop, you know? Anxiety causes depression which causes more anxiety which caused deepening depression. 

I didn’t even decide to go to college myself really? I had planned on killing myself but then my friend’s gf dragged me to college w her on her first day and signed me up for the same classes she was taking to ease me into it. 

I’m telling you all this so you know I understand where you’re coming from. I have anxiety too... and it used to be super severe. At times it still is, same with depression, but college does help, even community college. 

Community college is a little weird. It’s not really focused on school pride. Usually your classmates, unless you already know them, will be focused on their own school work rather than anything else. All that typical college stuff? Doesn’t happen. So if you’re worried about things of that sort... drinking or drugs or whatever have you, you prob won’t have to deal with it. Most people in community college are really focused on themselves, which is a good and bad thing. You don’t really make friends? At least, I am terrible at making friends so I am the worst person to ask, but you don’t make new friends in CC unless you go to clubs and really try. Even then, a lot of times, you end up having classmates you’re friends with for one semester and end up almost never seeing them again. 

It’s not all bad, however. It’s easier to focus on school that way, and again, that’s just my experience. I’m sure tons of people make new friends in college. I am just not someone who makes new friends unless I already know someone associated w/ them. 

I don’t know where you live or what benefits your community college offers. I know a lot/if not all campuses offer counseling. Counselors at college act as therapists. They can’t diagnose you with anything and they can’t prescribe anything, but they can do psychotherapy, which some argue is more beneficial than medication. Talking with someone unbiased may help with anxiety and depression. If you can take your starting classes with someone you know, that may help too. If not, only take one or two classes to get a taste. 

Also because college is a lot harder than hs. Yes, even CC. Don’t let people fool you.

Also, CC is a great way to save money rather than apply to a 4-year school right away! I HIGHLY recommend going to CC to get your basics done at least. Furthermore, again, mattering on your CC, they may offer special programs, such as nursing, that only last 2 years and opens up many different job opportunities. CC also costs a lot less money, which is fantastic too. And... again, mattering on your CC, they may offer students to work for them or even have a job board if you wanna take that next step once you feel you are ready (if you don’t already have a job already, ofc...) 

A lot of peoples’ depression comes from feelings of failure and worrying about what will happen to us in the future. There’s also a lot of unhelpful stock advice, like stop comparing yourself to other people (easier said than done, it’s a ingrained behavior that takes work to unlearn), to focus on the present, (again, hard if you have a wandering mind and tend to be creative and idealistic as it’s just part of your personality), and ofc, you’re young you have your whole life ahead of you. It’s not a race. (Social media does NOT help with this at all!! In fact, if you have severe depression and anxiety stemming from comparing yourself to others and feeling like you’re a failure before you even start, then you need to get off the internet) 

Thing is... when you go to college, most people around you don’t know wtf they’re doing. Esp in community college. People will change their degrees on the drop of a dime. Mattering on the location, most your peers may even be older than you! Last semester, I was taking an anatomy and physiology class and guess what? Nearly half the class consisted of older women who decided to go back to school so they could get a better job and enrich themselves. And I’m not taking women in early 30s young, I’m saying people in their 40s and 50s easily. A couple even with grandkids!

College is great ‘cause it puts everything into perspective. You don’t have to be any age to start something new. There isn’t a “well, once you are X years old, you are now a failure”

And? I’ve been in CC for almost 4 years. I have friends who have been in CC longer. They still don’t have their associates (Hell, I don’t either. I recently switched degrees so haha fuck me) its not a race. No one at CC cares that much. 

Aaaaaaand lastly? It gives you something to focus on. Humans, by nature, need a goal. Something to do in mind. Locking yourself in your room and replaying the same video game (as i did...) did me no favors. And due to the depression, I couldn’t use my own will power to set goals and get things done on my own time. Such as write and publish a book. Still can’t do that. Still feel like a failure a lot. It doesn’t go away, but distractions help. 

College is a great distraction. It forces you to care about something, forces you to remember what day of the week it is, and makes you have to shower regularly instead of going almost a month without bathing (something I nearly did since I was... Really Bad Off) 

I had people I didn’t expect to help me help me out at the right time. I suggest getting into CC ASAP as soon as you can. May be a bitch, as it always is applying for anything, but it is super rewarding. 

Will it magically cure your depression and anxiety? Ofc not. But it is worth it and it does help. A lot.

Anyways, that’s my two cents. Idk if it helped at all, and ik I don’t give that great of advice... I’m not super optimistic... but I do hope I helped!!

Good luck with everything, anon! I’m sure you’ll do fantastic!