#even tho I have really good things in my life rn
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I miss the person I was a year ago. two years ago. more social. happier. doing more creatively.
#ya girl is just sad today#yelling into the void bc idk where else to yell#I was so much happier this time last year#even tho I have really good things in my life rn#I just think about like#April 2023 me :(#or!#fall 2020 me#she was living in constant covid anxiety sure#but she was also having the time of her life writing phinbella romance and sharing it with friends#now I haven’t updated that fic in nearly two years#and there’s friends I just don’t see much of anymore#which is no one’s fault that is just how life is#but it just aches#I just feel so sad#or 2021 me#she was posting so much art!!! literally living it up!!!!!!!#now well I mean#my newest pnf piece has gotten close to 500 likes on instagram which has never happened with my pnf art before#so that’s really cool#but I just#ugh#at least I have TTPD#I feel so disconnected from people which is the true reason I post art or fic or whatever#even tho I have lovely friends who I adore!!! they just feel far away#which isn’t anyone’s fault it’s just how life is and my own weird perception of the world#anyway#all this to say I do have a chfil chapter in the works still#maybe finishing that will heal me lmao#cadence rambles
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I don't know what I love more, the fact that as rook you can make a statement in NO uncertain terms that you are NOT responsible one way or the other for the theological implications of the shit you're discovering in the 'regrets of the dread wolf' memories. not my jurisdiction. quite simply none of my business. not my chantry circus not my chantry monkeys. irrelevant to the matter at hand here we'll kill that god if we get to him he can get in line. or if the best thing about it is seeing the lone little 'lucanis approves' that pops up right after choosing it. corvid with a knife about to commit deicide keeping it real and sensibly, pragmatically, wilfully agnostic with me here in this magical lighthouse today
#we do not see it. we cannot read all of a sudden.#rye having war flashbacks to watcher conferences and firmly going 'we are *not* getting derailed by the metaphysics here folks'#rare stern moderator/dad hat moment from ingellvar lol. he's Seen Some Shit in his time (debates that raged over the multiple#and not always concurrent life times of the participants involved. ain't no academic rivalry like watcher academic rivalry#because watcher academic rivalry doesn't stop even when everyone involved is dead. and the rest of us have to live with it)#I. do not think the way I'm getting this quest is how it's meant to be experienced so I'm a bit at a loss as to how to pace it out#I've been an annoying little completionist so I have ALL the statues and could just marathon it out#but that does not feel like the best way for the story and upcoming reveals to work. hm. how to do this#I'm supposed to go fail to save weisshaupt right around now I can't be having study group with all of you rn as much of a delight as it is#rye is nominally an andrastian as mainstream nevarrans generally are but as I gather is the case with many of the watchers#what he *actually* believes in is the grand necropolis itself haha#(and the philosophy of history memory death and relationship (as well as responsibility) between the past and the present#and indeed the future that it represents. we have a duty. to what has been to what is and to what will come after us. good shit)#the nevarran/mortalitasi element just makes their lack of care or respect for chantry orthodoxy *mwha* that extra bit special#the nevarran lack of concern bordering on quiet condescending disdain for official chantry doctrine and policy my beloved#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#poor harding really is living through the most relentless 'if this is the maker testing my faith he sure be testing me' gauntlet of all tim#good news: god might be real! bad news: god might not even be a real thing but more like a magical accident or vibration or something#honestly tho. if we could get full lovecraftian incomprehensible to human conception the maker -- He is a particle and a wave style --#that's the only way I'd be cool with him or them actually answering the question of his existence. that'd be kind of sick#'yes. but no. but maybe. depends on how you define god. and exist. and he. and does.' *ingellvar sets of the METAPHYSICS!! klaxon#that's a time out folks good game but easy on the jargon and navel-gazing definition of terms next round#rye and lucanis have some slightly differing views about at what exact stage of a problem murder becomes a valid solution#('well you just kill them and then I'm the one who has to deal with the next much longer part')#but they're surprisingly kind of vibing on a lot of other stuff lol. good for them <3#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar
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Ok but can we talk about the absolute horror of being watched and monitored 24/7 that the ancients must have had. The citizenship drones being like an Alexa that's constantly following and listening to you (except it's five pebbles and not Alexa lmao). The fucking OVERSEERS. THEY'RE CALLED THAT FOR A REASON. BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THEIR CITIZENS AS WELL AS THE ENVIRONMENT ALL THE TIME. (I would talk about the fact that they all show arti fucking ads as well but honestly idk what else to say about that. Capitalism got yet another society 😔). That's some fucking nightmare fuel dystopian society settings we are being hinted at. You know the Big Brother Is Watching You thing. The book. Yeah that's what it reminds me of.
The Iterator Is Watching You.
#imagine not being able to escape being watched any second of your life#imagine being one of the first ancients who saw an iterator come into being#imagine being one of the first ancients who had to go live on top of them#imagine being one of the first amcients to be constantly scrutinized by the overseers#i bet they knew this wasn't really a good thing#no matter how religious they were. by the time of pebbles though they were far too religiously indoctrinated to realize this was bad#(as a society i mean. theres always some who disagree and figure out what's going on)#disclaimer i have never read the book i am talking about and only know it through references and pop culture. still tho yk what i mean#rain world#rainworld#rain world iterator#rw iterator#iterator#rw five pebbles#five pebbles#im tagging him too even tho hes only mentioned i wanna reach more ppl with this#pls i may not have said everything i wanted to say cause i cant get my thoughts straight rn but i want to hear what yall think about this#agh the whole situation is so fucked imagine being the Big Brother in this and not even having a choice in it.#imagine that everyone with critical thinking knows this and cant do anything about it.#not even mentioning the cataclysmic level rain the iterators brought. like dude who thought this was a good idea.#imagine all this + the end of the world and its ecosystem as you know it happening right before your eyes#and you cant even blame the person at fault that much bc they were literally fucking born into this#rw overseer#forgot this one#rw ancients
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god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak
#it kinda doesnt feel real for me idk why#like i do not actually process all of it??#tho I DO have ideas and thinking i did pay attention#maybe i've just had a wild day i guess#but also oh god vex'ahlia broke my heart#twice#first time were when scanlan was talking how he couldn't be at two places at the same time to help 'em and she said nobody gives a fuck#i feel so bad for scanlan rn i love him#haven't watched campaing to the bard's lament yet but oh fuck im too spoiled i do know what happens where (a little bit)#the second time was when she said she really cares for percy i started crying at that moment#also im a lil bit disappointed cuz i thought we would get percys death and vex's spech but we got “i open the door completly naked” scene ->#and im very happy we got it like oh wow i didn't expect that#but idk im just a girl and i love percahlia's slowburn#since i watched 64 eps of actual campaign it become hard for me to not compare campaign and tlovm cuz obviosly its very different#but with percahlia in tlovm we don't have hours and hours of campaign context#(we don't have percy making her arrows)#and i understand why cuz 100+ streams 3+ hours each is one thing and animated series with 12 eps of 25 minutes is another#but as i said previosly it is very hard for me to not compare it#by the way i do think changes in tlovm make sense#cuz like?? i think vex is more sharpy in tlovm than in campaign?? like#like she punced scanlan in first season and in campaign they are kinda good friends and i really love them??#*punched#and i think she's more ?? bossy i guess?? idk how to put it into words but in my head it makes sense “i open the door completly naked” ->#goes earlier than “i shouldve told you its yours” cuz shes playing pretend even more than in campaign???#acts like its casual when its actually isnt AT ALL#and im glad percy said “what is it i want” to vex cuz its kinda like that scene in campaign when percy talked to vax#when he called them all family for the first time and said he's trying to find what he wants in life#i love percy and vax dynamic btw#i wanted to write even more here but apparently i can do only 30 tags wtf#they want me to actually write posts oh no. hate to put it all in tags but im too nervous abt posting on the internet
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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#been really struggling lately because idk I guess now that I’m in therapy#I’m thinking extra about all the things that have made me this specific fucked up#and it really just boils down to feeling unwanted#I wasn’t supposed to be born my grandma told my mom to abort me#I spent my entire childhood hearing my mom say that she’s not parent material but I insisted on being born#like putting the responsibility on me even tho it was her choice???#and then they idk just didn’t take care of me good#like I had to have my teeth taken out at 17 because they were literally rotting out of my head and like coming out in chunks into#my food while I was eating#and when I finally got to the emergency dentist I had to pay for it#and I’m broke but I don’t want this job I just started I’m so scared#but we need money#I just feel like I can’t do it anymore I just want someone to take care of me#I want my life to mean something to someone#I can’t type what she said somewhat recently because I alresdy cried about it yesterday#but idk I just feel like dog shit and I can’t reach out to any of my friends because they’re all busy rn#but it’s been really really bad lately I won’t lie I don’t feel like I can keep going anymore
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entering my mostly sober era fr this shit kindve rocks ngl
#🍒#i like to drink its fun but i drink too much and w out purpose. same goes for weed#i think if i didnt indulge in one or the other or both every night and only like once or twice a week. id be a lot happier :3#alcoholism OVER pot head era OVER#cant do the things i love to do most when im drunk or high all the time and it finally seems like right place right time for me to realize#i can stay up and read tonight…. ive been pretty much only reading at work bc its the one time i cant be drunk or high all thru out#ok. like my world just got a little bit bigger#i need you guys to realize how big this is for me ive drank like every night for the past year#also not Indulging every night will make the times i do more enjoyable#this is like. basic common sense but its like a revelation ive been working up to like i was a teenage alcoholic and an adult achie haulic#alchie hydraulic… that was gona be my joke. dammit…#anyways it feels really good to not be high or drunk rn usually i loathe it and hate it but rn. it feels like sunshine :3#uhm. this might be cringe but idc ! been obsessed w drugs and booze my whole damn life ! am finally realizing! having a moment here !#okay no more tumblr diary posts im gona. get some ice cream even tho its not my day off (when. i usually let myself have some) and im gona#read and have fun and eventually fall asleep very peacefully :3 good night tumblr
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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hi guys
looks at you like this
#look at this image it’s so image#don’t mind me i’m just stressing bc i go back to school tomorrow#i am kinda nervous for the spring semester#i actually think it’ll be better than last semester bc last semester was kinda ass but like#still nervous yk#fling posse save me fling posse#i think my hyperfixations (whatever they may be. rn it’s obviously hypmic) will become less aggressive once i go back tho#bc then i’ll have work and my social life AND school yk#which is kinda sad but kinda a good thing bc i am running out of fics to read and fanart to look at lmao 😭#i’m ab ready to start posting fling posse meta (don’t encourage me i have so many drafts)#it’s ok i really do think this semester will be better than last#the way i’m posting this while i’m supposed to be doing assignments 😭 goodbye#shut up diana#one of my professors is gonna b assigning daily quizzes#another one assigned an 84 question pre assessment to do before the first day of class#it was to let her know a baseline for our skill level which does make sense but i think 84 questions is a little excessive#like why are you being a try hard who r you trying to impress. the other professors?? 😭#rosho would be disappointed#anyway ik im being harsh and i shouldn’t be judging professors that i haven’t even met yet#but like. giving an 84 question pre assessment is giving that boy in middle school who tries way too hard in gym class and cries if he lose#like can you chill. pelase. please. chill lelkasepleazewi oh hmhod i am only one person i#i rlly wanna start this semester off right tho#like i’m gonna start drinking more water my goal is to finish my water bottle every day OUTSIDE of what i drink at meals#and i’m gonna go for walks more since they make me happy :)#and i’m NOT gonna be hard on myself when i can’t focus or procrastinate or take forever to do smth (hashtag adhd)#that’s gonna b a hard one tho#anyway sorry 4 spam if you r reading these tags ignore me#i just need somewhere to put this lmao#maybe i should get a diary or something#i can be like greg heffley
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i dpnt know if this needs to be said but if anyone is coming to this account to milk drama out of a specific person to harass said person........ i dont support that & pls leave. this includes my main account too where we wrote up some cringe stuff (though i think its gone now, just cuz i didnt want that to be wat people saw when people checked our primary account . im sure screenshots exist somewhre, i took some before i took them down)
ya i dont like that person but...... i vent about that person sometimes & that person probably vents about me sometimes, but besides that, we r done interacting with each other... & if anyone here is looking for more reasons to hate the person which i doubt but just in case. stop harassing ppl u dont like just move on. u can vent but like. dont make it that persons problem ?? & this goes for...literally anyone u dislike. just leave ppl alone. if theyre a genuine criminal report them to the authorities & move on . fuckin internet warrior type beat
#ppl make dumb mistakes ok.#some people are really annoying#but like...that doesnt warrant bothering someone#just ignore#this is goood life advice for like 90% of the internet as well so if this isnt happening good. consider what i say tho nanyways#also idk if that person is having this problem but like 4 me poersonally when i felt like i was being poked n prodded (in my case by ppl#mocking stupid things i said) it made my psychosis a lot worse & even thoguh my delusion was the problem at the time#it made it worse. i dont know if thatshappening im not privy to that knowledge but im just trying 2 put my shoes into that situation#like its not fun for the receiver & i feel like to a point its not fun for the sender either. isnt that stressful? idk. just stop being#annoying theres literally BILLIONS of peopel on this planet#if u think theyre a horrible person cuz of some dumb shit someone did then why dont u focus on something more productive in this world#with ppl who are ruining other ppls lives with irreparable trauma thru horrible irredeemable actions or fuckgin!!!! u know!!! whatevers#happening in the world rn#if u have the determination to send hate ask afetr hate ask can u like#redirect that passion into something more positive for this world. :sob:#or maybe if someone needs to hear from someone that ALSO doesnt like this person that i think theyre being unreasonable with showing their#disapproval toward s that person? will that make them open their eyes & realize theyre being ridiculous...that this isnt the answer#idk lol .>_<#HOKO.EXE#10/18/2023#GLOOMY.TXT
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Since i know no one will see this:
1 note and i will email my therapist
ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw
2 notes and ill put my laundry away
ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now
5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often
ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth
youtube
6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often
just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭
10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables
11 notes and ill study for my exams
my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead
20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone
30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely
40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again
50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school
imma do this tmr!!!
i forgot 😭 someone remind me
80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon
doing this rn! taking dinner break
100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist
maybe tmr?
we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??
200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!
ill discuss w therapist tmr
discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds
300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf
400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall
damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa
this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P
500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof
600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes
i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?
700 notes and ill buy some new shoes
800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)
900 notes and ill come up with more goals
edit: bro……. 😭
so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)
- random internet stranger
edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL
ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???
1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)
1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)
2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:
#funny#lol#meme#<- since i know no one will see this i may aswell give it a chance right?#dont make me get my life together im begginf 😭😭#Youtube
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HOLY SHIT IT'S REAL
@windor-truffle graces remaster!!!!!!!!
#tales of graces f#i picked a good time to get back into graces i guess 😂 this is surreal#this is huge gonna get new fans gonna bring out old ones holy shit holy shit this is terrifying (positvie)#my unhinged screams might actually be heard by more people and i can't tell if that's a good thing or not 😅 still excited regardless#debating whether to preorder for pc or switch but i think i want switch for that seductive 'gaming whilst lying down' experience 😤#i'll probably buy another copy once it's on sale tho 😅 if i like a game i'll get it on as many consoles as i can so it's always accessible💜#it looks really good too since ive playing the original i can see the upgrade in art quality! it's cleaner like a fresh coat of paint#though admittedly i have very low standards for game graphics n64/gamecube games look fine too me they're charming 😅#it looks they're even adding some quality of life stuff like the desitnation icon on the map!#that'd be nice for me rn trying to find all of the parasites inside the rockgagong while the goal overlay just says 'keep moving :)'#the encounter skip is cool too ig but like. isnt that what holy bottles are for 😅 also i thought ppl loved the battle system more than plot#the DLC though!!!!! that's been inaccessible since the ps3 store closed so im excited to get the legacy costumes!!#does this mean i can finally have lelouch and hatusne miku in the party 😂#the list of the L&L arc as a bonus feature is kind of funny tho. no offense to bamco but i should THINK it's included it better stay free 😤#aaaaaaa man what should i do to celebrate i gotta make art for january and also the anniversary in december 💜💜💜💜💜#ecxuse me while i blast white wishes and cry a little 👍
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hiîi, can you write bllk chara tera introducing their gf to the press or the press somehow finding you that the players have a gf
idk if this makes sense but pleaseee write it I love your blog sm <3
The press found out about their relationship - Rin, Sae, Kaiser, Isagi, Karasu
m.list | rules
Note : hii ! Thank you sm for your request! I take some times to go through some of my requests before writing with another media I'm really into rn, sorry some will wait a bit mor
Same as the others ! There wasn't anyone mentioned but don't hesitate to ask for your fav if you want ♡
Rin
He's not fan of it
I guess he adapted to it quickly, you being bring on a lot the first few weeks and things like that
But he's so tensed about it you have to calm him down a lot at first
He's upset all the time You have to remind him that's it's not only a bad things
And that people's reactions has been relatively good, that's already a good point
He's more worried about you obviously but in the end you're the one taking care of him
He feels a bit bad but yeah, he appreciates it a lot
Don't expect a lot of changes tho, he doesn't want his love life all over the internet
Sae
He's annoyed when the press found out, to say the least
He wish it could've stay private and doesn't want people to be after you
He hates the fact that he's ask about it now and has to be even more cold in interview than before
He tries to be unbothered but knowing how it changed your life it's impossible
Behind closed door at first he can spend a lot of time with you so make it up
He's famous so I think people tried to know more about you and invade your personal space
I don't think it necessarily goes wrong on social media, it's just trending a lot for a few days
You have to moderate your account a lot cause there's always hater
He still doesn't talk about you bc you asked him to
but he feel less pressure if some pictures of you two end up in the internet
Kaiser
He's ANGRY
Don't get it wrong, he thought about revealing your relationship a few times and you were still talking about it
But this happening without his consent or yours drive him crazy at first
Yet on camera he's cocky about it, telling he doesn't mind and rumbling about how gorgeous you are
He takes the opportunity as it is and posy about you more on his social media, without hiding you so much
He has his lawer ready to anyone spitting shit at you on social media tho
Don't mess with his s/o, he'll take actions
Isagi
He's lost poor guy
If you cry about it he does his absolute best to comfort you before contacting his agent to see what he can do
Honestly He's use to it but if you're not used to the fame, he's careful so your anxiety don't go crazy
He's sad if that change your life a lot but he does his best to not change a thing in your routine
The good point is that, like Kaiser, he can pray a lot more with you than before and he's really happy about it !!
He likes to share with people I think so it open a lot of doors
Karasu
He acts cool in front of the camera but he's annoyed
It was early in your relationship and he's scared it's gonna fucked it up
You have to be the one comforting him
You're not the type to make promises if you're not sure of yourself, but you assure him that the press and people finding out didn't scared you
You'll stay with him as long as possible, you don't see yourself leaving because of this
He's probably needed this more than he would've admit cause after this, being on camera is easier again
He's not upset anymore if they ask about you since you gave him a green light
He feels even lighter than before, in fact
#blue lock x reader#blue lock headcanons#blue lock fluff#blue lock hc#bllk x reader#bllk headcanons#bllk hcs#bllk fluff#rin x reader#rin itoshi x reader#rin itoshi#rin imagines#sae x reader#sae headcanons#sae hc#sae itoshi x reader#sae itoshi#sae imagines#kaiser x reader#kaiser michael#kaiser hcs#kaiser fluff#isagi x reader#isagi fluff#isagi headcanons#isagi yoichi x reader#isagi yoichi#karasu tabito x reader#karasu x reader#karasu headcanons
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took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)
#and i cant even be mad at her because her husband is dead#lol and lmao#anyway the top is now the ugliest greyish minty colour and it looks horrible#normally i wouldnt mind. like there were two white tops and the other also got dyed and idc#but this one had a more unique idc shape? whatever you call that. and it was one of the very few crop tops#that really made me feel good about my body. like not even 'ok i guess i dont look like something that crawled out of a garbage bin'#but genuinely 'good'#and it feels so stupid to be this upset over such a small thing but i feel like ive been at the very limit for the last few days#with everyone fucking crying around me#that this genuinely feels like a tragedy to me rn lol#anyway im being nice and i keep saying its no big deal and nvm but ig you can see that im upset#so now SHE'S mad that I'M mad even tho im not even being a bitch about it im just Sad lol#kms#anyway i feel like shit and it all feels so overwhelming and to think that ill have to spend the long weekend in may here too#my dad and his gf will be at my place in wrocław going to concerts cause there's some sort of festival#all my friends will be chilling and having fun#and i cant even go to prague or vice versa because ill have to be here. having the time of my life with my mother and my grandpa#losing my mind and getting panick attacks in the bathroom lol
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f*ck me like you’re famous
wc: 3.3k
pairing: eddie x fem!reader
synopsis: the man everyone wants only wants you
cw: 18+ mdni!!, rockstar!eddie, non canon au, smut, use of marijuana, mentions of alcohol consumption, established relationship, pet names, teasing, eddie's rings (y’all alr know), choking, fingering, oral sex (giving/receiving), orgasm denial, praising, hair pulling, reader has an oral fixation (lowkey), multiple orgasms, mirror sex (not really but kinda), lil bit of possessiveness, overuse of the word fuck, marking, sex while under the influence, unprotected sex, aftercare, fluff?
a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts since my first acc got snipped and just never reposted 😭 but i lowkey wanna get back into writing for this account. pls don’t come for me if i don’t follow through tho life is just fucking crazy rn but i miss this blog and i miss you guys so i’ll try. but until then i hope y’all enjoy this!! 🫶🏽
Eddie wasn't expecting much difference when Corroded Coffin started playing at the Hideout on Fridays instead of Tuesdays. But the crowd more than quadrupled in size, and it seemed to keep growing every week they came back.
In the middle of one of their songs, Eddie spotted you not too far from the small stage.
You had been fixated on the band's lead guitarist since you got here, barely taking your eyes from him as he expertly moved his fingers over the strings of his instrument.
This is what Eddie's always wanted; playing for an actual crowd of people and not just five drunks. But now, as he hears the cheers and sees everyone headbanging along to the music, a dream he's had for so long, all he can do is focus on you.
After their set was over, Eddie was surprisingly quick to start loading their things into his van.
Eddie was getting no help from his bandmates as they were distracted by the group of girls that had come up and started talking to them. One of them even tried flirting with Eddie, but he quickly excuses himself once he finds you again, smoking.
He weaves his way past the people crowding the alleyway behind the bar, walking through clouds of smoke.
With your back turned to him, you didn't see him coming as you were in the middle of a conversation with your friends, passing a joint around.
Eddie's eyes slowly drank you in as he approached you.
To say you look good would be an understatement. Not that Eddie would ever think otherwise, but it was something about the fitting leather pants you were wearing that he was slowly growing obsessed with.
You feel two hands on your hips, and your back meets his chest. Eddie snakes his arms around you.
Resting your head against Eddie's shoulder, you turn your head to face him.
"My love," you lazily grin at him.
"Hi, angel," Eddie cupped your jaw and brought your lips to his. He could taste the faint traces of alcohol on your tongue and the smoke your lips still tasted of.
The friends you arrived with all commended Eddie and his band for their performance before you added onto the praises.
"You guys were fucking amazing," you tell him.
"You really think so?" he asks.
You turn your body toward him, wrapping your arms around his neck.
"Yeah, of course," you nod, "And I could tell your little groupies thought so too," you said.
Eddie scoffed, "Groupies? I don't have groupies."
"I beg to differ," you say. Eddie follows your eyes, looking at the same girl from earlier, watching you and Eddie, seeming a little mad that someone else has their hands all over him. But you don't give a shit; Eddie was yours first.
"You jealous?" he teases.
"Never. You're so fucking hot," you tangle your fingers in his hair pulling him closer as if there was any space left between you, "And I don't know, I kinda loved watching everyone go crazy over you, knowing you're gonna fuck my brains out later."
Eddie backed you up against the side of your friend's car, deepening the kiss as he held your face.
"Keep talking and looking at me like that, I'll take you right here," he threatens, and you laugh.
Eddie slid his leg between yours, making you hum against his lips, and you felt his thighs come into contact with your core.
"Eddie," you murmur. From the look in your eyes, he could already tell what you were thinking.
"Wanna get out of here?"
"Do you really have to ask?" you smirk.
You bid your friends goodbye, Eddie thanking all of them for coming and letting them know when and where Corroded Coffin is playing next. Walking to his van, hand in hand, Eddie opens the passenger side door for you after you said your byes to the rest of the band.
Eddie kept one hand on the wheel while the other rested on your thigh. Briefly looking over at you, Eddie feels his chest swell. He watches you roll a joint for him, not wanting to waste any time once you get home, and he couldn't be more in love.
Watching your face twist up in concentration as you wrap the paper around the bud, using the skills he taught you, only made something stir inside Eddie. His hand on your leg started inching higher and higher, firmly squeezing your thigh.
"Babe, don't start. I'm tryna concentrate," you said, rolling the paper between your fingers.
"Can't help it when you're the hottest girlfriend on the planet," he grins.
You glance over at him out of the corner of your eye. "Just shut up and keep your eyes on the road, Munson," you said.
But Eddie didn't miss the smile that stretched across your face from his words.
Once Eddie was parked, he hopped out of the van with the freshly rolled joint between his lips, still unlit. He was humming one of Corroded Coffin's songs as he waited for you with his held hand out for you to take as you got out of the van.
Knowing the whole place was empty, Eddie loudly sang as the two of you slow danced into his trailer. Eddie, dramatically swaying and spinning you around, had giggles spilling from your mouth as you made your way to his room.
Taking off his shoes and jacket, Eddie swipes a lighter from his desk before sitting at the edge of his bed and sparking the joint.
Eddie hummed delightedly as thick clouds of smoke entered his lungs. He fell back onto his bed, staring up at his ceiling, taking another drag.
Having gotten distracted by your boyfriend's immense music collection, not knowing what to put on, you finally make your way over to him.
Eddie feels the bed sink on either side of his legs as you climb on top of him. He rests one hand on your hip while he smokes with the other.
You pluck the joint out of his mouth, bringing the filter to your lips and taking a hit for yourself.
Both his hands are on you now, moving up to your waist. You readjust yourself in his lap, and you hear Eddie sigh. You start subtly dragging your hips against his as you expel the smoke through your nose.
Eddie looked up at you like you were a goddess he was more than ready to worship.
"God, you're so fucking perfect," Eddie said, "And all mine."
You would've clenched your thighs together if Eddie's body wasn't between them. You leaned down, grabbing Eddie's jaw and bringing his lips closer to yours. Eddie parted his lips as you blew the smoke into his mouth.
"And you're mine," you whisper, kissing his face.
You both sit up, your lips still connected to his.
"You know that I love you," he stared up at you, his big brown eyes drowning in adoration for you.
"I know," you lean your forehead against his, "I love you too," you tell him before pressing your lips to his.
"Ever since high school. The moment you walked into O'Donnell's class 30 minutes late wearing that goddamn skirt," Eddie slides his hands up your thighs.
You hum into his mouth, kissing him deeply.
"Just promise you won't forget me when you guys become famous," you joke.
"I would never," he says, "You think I'm crazy enough to give this pussy up."
"I hate you," you giggle against his lips.
"Didn't you just say you love me?"
"Yeah, well I change my mind and take it back," you teasingly say, getting out of his lap.
You turn your back to him, but Eddie doesn't let you get too far before he's on his feet too, wrapping his arms around you. Laughs spill from your lips as he holds you against his chest, burying his face into your neck.
"Tell me you love me," he said lowly in your ear, the raspiness of his voice causing slick to pool between your legs.
"No," you said like a moody child.
"Come on, sweetheart, just tell me."
Eddie's fingers found the buttons on your pants, starting to undo them. You wiggle your hips a little assisting Eddie in getting the leather down your legs. He slipped one of his hands between your thighs, stroking your clothed heat.
If Eddie's arm wasn't wrapped around your middle, your knees would've buckled. Between being high and having been incredibly horny for your boyfriend all night, you were extremely sensitive to his touch.
"Let me hear it," he rasps in your ear.
"Eddie," you let your head fall back against his shoulder.
"Mhm?" he hums into your neck.
"I-" the words die on your tongue when he slips his hand into your underwear.
You whimper, feeling the cool metal of his rings against your warm skin. He runs his fingers through your folds, letting your slick coat his digits, purposely neglecting your clit.
"All this for a man you hate?" he scoffs.
You whine, squirming in his arms, trying to move your hips against his hand. But Eddie's strength doesn't allow for it.
"Tell me you love me and I'll give you anything, baby."
You quickly drop the act, falling deeper into this headspace, desperate for Eddie to do anything.
"I love you, Eddie."
"See? That wasn't so hard, now, was it."
He kisses your cheek, starting to rub small circles on your clit. You practically melt against his body, and he falls back onto his bed with you between his legs. You turn your head to capture Eddie's lips in a kiss. At the same time, you're lifting your hips and pulling your underwear off, carelessly letting the piece of fabric hang from your ankle.
Eddie grabs your thighs, keeping them apart. He brings his hand back down to your pussy, lazily playing with your clit.
"Look at you, baby," you follow Eddie's eyes to the mirror by his bed. The sight of you between his legs as he toyed with your clit should've flooded you with embarrassment, but you were already too far gone to care. "So fucking beautiful." he kissed your temple.
"Eds," you start squirming.
"Yeah, sweetheart?"
"Please," you grabbed his wrist, directing his hand where you really needed him.
"So so wet," the tip of his finger teasingly circled your hole before slipping inside you, "And so fucking tight." he then added a second.
You braced yourself with your hands on Eddie's thighs, your nails scratching the denim of his jeans.
"That feel good, baby?"
"Y-Yes. So good."
Eddie pressed his lips to yours as he found a steady rhythm for his fingers. He pushes his tongue into your mouth, and you moan around the wet muscle as he curls his fingers against your soft walls.
"Oh god, Eddie—please," you tell him.
Your legs threatened to close around his hand before he pulled them apart with his other hand. The same hand trails up your body, cupping your boob over your shirt, feeling your perky nipple beneath the material since you opted for no bra tonight. He tweaked the sensitive nub between his fingers, causing you to gasp and your pussy to flutter around his fingers.
"Fuck-m'gonna cum."
"Yeah? you wanna cum all over my fingers, pretty girl?"
"Yes! please please l-"
You let out a broken cry, feeling your orgasm being so abruptly ripped away. You heard Eddie laugh as your hips tried to chase his hand before he left you untouched.
"That's what you get for acting like a brat," he said.
That teasing little fucker.
Turning yourself around to face him, Eddie sees the pout on your face before it's taken over by a smirk.
"I'm sorry, baby," you slowly let your fingers trail down his chest, "let me make it up to you," you fluttered your lashes at him.
Eddie grinned as your hand reached the front of his jeans, palming his semi hard on through his clothes.
He pulled his shirt over his head, flinging it somewhere in the room. You quickly undo his jeans, slipping your hand inside his boxers and beginning to stroke his length.
"Fuck, princess," Eddie groans when you squeeze your fist around him.
You started pulling his jeans off along with his underwear, and Eddie kicked them off his legs the rest of the way. You positioned yourself between his legs, circling your thumb around the tip, smearing the beads of precum all over his cock.
You look up at him through your lashes before you take him into your mouth. You start slow, only sucking on the head, letting the salty precum land on your tongue while you wrap your hand around the base of his cock.
"That's it, sweetheart. Just like that," Eddie sighs, stroking the back of your head as you take more of him into your mouth.
Whether it was your high or just your infatuation with this man, you couldn't get enough of the feeling of Eddie in your mouth. The weight of his cock on your tongue and his breathy moans were enough to have you pressing your thighs together.
You run your tongue along the underside of his cock, coating his length in your saliva. Eddie ran a hand through his hair, brushing his bangs out of his eyes as if he didn't want to miss a thing. Even with tears in your eyes and spit pooling out of the corners of your mouth, Eddie still couldn't take his eyes off you.
The muscles in Eddie's stomach contracted as he started to roll his hips against your face. You slowly started taking more of him into your mouth, focusing on breathing through your nose as you relax your throat for Eddie. You didn't care about the limits of your gag reflex, taking Eddie's dick deeper down your throat.
Eddie tangled his fingers in your hair, pulling you off him. You whine, not just from the pleasurable pain throbbing from your scalp but the loss of his cock in your mouth.
"Shit, you almost made me cum," he said, shallowly breathing.
"So why didn't you?" you ask, ready to slide him back into your mouth.
Eddie's hold on your hair tightens as he holds you where he wants you.
He smiles as you weakly moan, "Cause as much as I love watching you take me down that pretty little throat of yours, I really need to fuck you."
You moan again, but this time at his words.
"Please fuck me, Eddie," you didn't care how desperate you sounded. "Please."
"I know, angel, I know."
Once every piece of clothing was discarded, your teeth clashed with his in a heated kiss. He pushed his tongue into your mouth, easily dominating the kiss. Your head met the pillows as Eddie's laid you down. He took his place between your legs, looking down at you.
Your eyes travel down Eddie's body, studying the ink littered all over his skin like you haven't hundreds of times before.
The muscles in his arm flexed as he pumped his cock in his hand, and you wanted desperately to squeeze your thighs together.
"How bad do you want it?"
"I want you so fucking badly, Eddie. Been thinking about having you all night. It was hard not thinking about getting up on that stage and letting you have your way with me in front of everyone, so they know who you belong to."
Eddie raises an eyebrow at you before you shrug.
"I told you, not jealous. Maybe just a little possessive."
"That's even hotter," Eddie tells you, "You're mine just as much as I'm yours," you felt his cockhead nudging into your entrance.
"Yours...Mine," you moan out the word as he slides into you.
You thought the feeling of Eddie inside of you, filling you up, would make you delirious.
"Fuck, baby, you feel so good."
"Eddie~"
Eddie started moving slowly, only rocking his hips into yours steadily.
Eddie knew you as well as the back of his hand. From every movement you make to the noises that spill from your lips, it's like he could tell what you wanted without vocalizing it.
He circled his arms under your legs, your calves resting on his shoulders.
"Yes—my fucking god, Eddie," you buried your head into the pillows.
You reach out to him, your nails leaving crescent-shaped indents in his skin as he folds you over, pressing your knees to your chest. Eddie's cock deliciously stretched your walls, feeling him so deep you were sure he was in your guts.
Eddie dropped your legs from his shoulders to kiss you. He swallowed your moans, sucking your bottom lip between his teeth.
"You're so fucking wet," he groans against your lips.
"You feel so good," you whimper.
Sitting back on his haunches, he spreads your legs wider, mesmerized by the way his cock disappears inside you.
His cock twitches against your soft walls, seeing you fucked out beneath him. Your tits bounce with every one of his movements. Goosebumps rose on your skin from his rings as he slid his hand up your torso. He didn't miss the chance to tease you, rolling and pinching one of your nipples between his fingers.
You grab Eddie's wrist, silently telling him what you want as you bring his hand to your neck. Eddie wraps his fingers around your throat, applying pressure to the sides, sure to not crush your windpipe.
Your eyes rolled back, and Eddie could feel your pussy pulsing around him. Feeling the stainless steel digging into your skin added to the euphoria coursing through your veins.
Eddie saw the smile etched onto your face as he pounded into you and thought he couldn't be more in love.
"Shit, angel, I don't know if I'm gonna last any longer."
"Please don't stop. I'm so close."
"You gonna cum for me, sweetheart?"
"Yes...Please, Eddie."
"I want you to cum with me," Eddie's hand finds its way between you, rubbing uncoordinated circles on your clit.
All you could do was weakly nod at him.
The music was barely heard over the sounds of your moans and heavy breaths with the obscene squelching coming from where your bodies connected. You blink your eyes to refocus on the man above you. Eddie's messy hair clung to his forehead and neck from the thin layer of sweat covering his skin. The guitar pick he has on the small chain around his neck dangles above your face, and you slightly tug on it to bring him back down and meet his lips with yours.
"I fucking love you," you said to Eddie as you came.
Eddie couldn't hold off any longer, cumming after you said those words to him. His cum painted your walls white, slowly thrusting into you as your pussy milked his cock.
"Fuck, I love you too," he mumbled into your mouth.
You lazily made out, the both of you taking your time to come down from your highs.
Eddie finally moved from between your legs, and you could already feel his cum start to spill out of you.
"Don't move," he tells you.
"Like I have a choice. Unless you want another addition to the collection of stains."
"Like you aren't responsible for half the stains on this bed."
You gasp dramatically, "And whose fault is that!?"
Eddie laughed, picking up his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor before leaving the room. He came back shortly with a damp washcloth and took his place back between your legs.
You saw Eddie lick his lips as he stared at your pussy, messy with his cum.
"Baby, the sheets," you remind him.
"Right," he snapped out of his thoughts, "It's kinda hot, though," he said with a smirk, wiping your sticky skin.
"You're so gross," you shake your head.
"But you love it," he grins.
a/n: feedback is appreciated!! thank you for reading <33
#stranger things 4#stranger things one shot#stranger things smut#stranger things fic#stranger things x reader#stranger things au#stranger things imagine#stranger things#eddie munson x fem!reader smut#eddie munson oneshot#eddie munson blurb#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson smut#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson x reader#eddie x reader#eddie munson#joseph quinn smut#joseph quinn#st 4#smut
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