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harryhighkey · 4 years ago

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the 1

hi!

so because i haven’t been able to listen to anything but folklore ever since it came out here’s a one shot inspired by one of the songs, the 1.

i’m really proud of how this turned out and i’m thinking of maybe doing more one shots inspired by songs from that album!

hope u like it and happy reading ♡

______________________

You were doing good.

So good in fact, that when someone asked you how you were, it wasn’t a mundane, somewhat conditioned response of ‘good’ - even if you weren’t. It was a genuine, wholehearted ‘I’m so good’ kind of response you’d hear in some finding the light moment by a protagonist in a movie. You deserved it too, you had been actively trying to find this frame of mind and finally here you were.

You first noticed the change in yourself when you started some new habits in your life. The moment came when you were caught in a drunk-minded deep conversation with one of your best friends.

“Y’know what I need?”

“What?”

“Get on some new shit.”

“You wan’ drugs right now?”

“Nah, nah, nah, not like that. I mean like, in life in general, y’know?”

“Yeah, dude. Same, like... let’s day drink on weekdays too.”

You laughed at her reply, but you remember not saying no. That was something else you were trying to do. Saying yes instead of no.

It’s not that you were necessarily a no person. In fact, you liked to think you were more of a yes person. You were always the friend who was up for anything once upon a time. No matter if it was going to sushi train, spending an afternoon following a Bob Ross tutorial, going axe-throwing, having a Sunday sesh of drinking bottomless margaritas or simply laying in bed and bitching about the people you didn’t like from high school and how boring their lives seemed compared to yours. You were always very friend orientated and you had amazing friends who you always had the most fun with and when that part of your life halted, it effected you more then you realised.

It had stopped by your own choice. You happened to fall in love with one of the most known and beloved male singers of this generation. Harry Styles. At first you kept living normally, but it was only a matter of time before you would get recognised more and more due to being his girlfriend. You didn’t sign up for being a celebrity, it was never your plan and you didn’t consider yourself to be one. But you couldn’t deny that you were known in the Harry Styles fandom for sure. Because of this, you started saying no to a lot more things. It was a sacrifice, but one you were willing to make at the time for the boy who you were so sure was the one.

It was impossible to ignore his status when you two were together and even now when you were not. There was a day when it had been two months and six days since you broke up where you were driving home from work and you were thinking of him. On your lunch break, your co worker who was named Henry was drinking from a mug with a ‘H’ on it. It was the same mug you had bought for Harry when you two were together. And on your way home there was a split second where you thought you saw him at the bus stop. You didn’t though. Of course not, it was just your mind playing a sick trick after you’d been thinking of him so much. Someone of Harry’s fame wouldn’t be able to catch a public bus, especially at peak hour without causing a ruckus. It was easy to miss the good parts and that moment was a slap in the face of reality at how the two of you struggling to be a ‘normal’ couple was a big reason why you broke up.

Two days after that, you spent a week where you swore to hit the ground running each night that week to feel better. The first night was out to dinner, the second was a board game night, the third was visiting your parents, the fourth was an escape room, the fifth was a rooftop bar, and finally came Sunday where you hit the matinee.

That week was exactly what you needed. It was busy as hell, but you wanted it to be. By the end of the week you were exhausted, but in the best possible way. Almost in a way of when you exercise and the release of good endorphins follow. You really felt like the main character in your life again, and when you were reminiscing back on the packed week, it was like a montage in a movie and your favourite songs would’ve been playing as the soundtrack. But then you had a wave of him. One single moment alone, and of course he’d crept into your mind. A simple memory of when you couldn’t decide what movie to watch. You had very different tastes when it came to watching something and Harry in an effort to soothe this over before it became frustrating asked in a dramatised voice,

“Don’t you know that the greatest films of all time were never made?”

At the time you had rolled your eyes and laughed at him. But maybe he was right after all. You missed him again in that moment, you never thought you would have to miss him in that way. When you were together and you missed him because he was away for a work commitment, you could call him up. Now you couldn’t. The the last phone you’d had with him flew to the front of your mind and sadly it was a bitter memory.

“Hi, baby.”

“Hey, H.”

“You okay?”

You sighed.

“That’s a no.”

“Mhm.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Well I’m home again.”

“Go out then, (Y/N). You don’t need to have fomo.” He tried to lighten the mood by saying it like that, you were an extreme fomo sufferer and it was a personal joke within your life and at first he had found it cute and joined in. But it wasn’t simply fomo anymore. You were beginning to become depressed with the downfall of your social life that was once, such a defining aspect of who you are, and one of the reasons you had caught Harry’s attnetion in the first place, he loved your extroverted attitude.

“If I go, I’m gonna’ feel like groups of girls are looking at me and talking about me.”

“I know how that feels.”

“Harry, it’s not the same for me.”

“I know.”

You gave him silence, some sort of this conversation had became pretty repetitive for you two towards the end of your relationship.

“I am sorry you’re feeling like this (Y/N), but I’m not sorry for having my life.” He was getting frustrated, you could hear it in his voice. You were too, but you understood his frustration now, you didn’t then.

“Well, how I was to know that dating you meant this? You never know... never know that dating someone is going to fuck your life up.”

“I fucked your life up?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

He hung up then. It wasn’t pretty due to things only getting rockier. You broke up the day after that call. And fuck, were you devastated. You didn’t have your old life because going out meant feeling like people were looking at you for being Harry Styles’ girlfriend and that would hurt too much knowing you weren’t. Another thing that kept you inside for the most part, was the knowledge that it would only be a matter of time before rumours spread on social media that the two of you had split. And you didn’t even want to think about how it would make you feel to hear people you didn’t know at all whisper about you being his ex. So there you were, without your old life and also without Harry and the new life you had with him.

It fucking sucked.

You waited for him to call, or to show up at your door to display some proclamation of love to get back together. In the first two months you would’ve said yes of course. But unfortunately it happened five months and twenty-eight days after the break up.

You were having a really good night. Harry wasn’t.

You and your sister were at the movies and you had to go to the toilet after ordering the biggest slurpee size and not being able to make it through the movie without needing a pee break. Just after you’d washed your hands your phone rang and you answered without looking at who it was, assuming it would be your sister asking to get some more m&m’s.

“Yeah?”

“Ah..hi. Bad time?” You recognised his voice and swore you felt your heart lurch into your throat. “(Y/N)?” You hadn’t answered him and you had answered the call so quick, he was caught off guard at your abrupt answering of the phone and now complete silence.

“No.. I, I didn’t look who was calling. I thought it was (Y/S/N).”

“Oh, you out?”

“Just to the movies.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“Bet you look so pretty, baby.” He was drunk. His compliment did cause that warmth to appear in your heart, but you fought against it.

“Why are you calling, Harry?”

“Miss you...miss you so much.” Tears welled in your eyes, this was all you had wanted months ago. Just not now, not after you’d work so hard to get your life back on track to how you liked it. “Want you back, (Y/N).”

“Stop.”

“No.”

“It’s too late.”

“Why?”

“You had so much time to do this, it isn’t fair you’re doing it now. If you wanted me, you really should’ve showed.”

“I’m-”

You hung up on him and then cried.

You never made it back to into the theatre, instead, your sister came to you in the bathroom, making a joke about if you had gotten diarrhoea. She quickly stopped when she saw your makeup ruined and teary eyes. Immediately becoming concerned and when you explained what had happened, she simply told you,

“If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow.” And that was all you really needed to hear.

And so bleed you did, figuratively. You thought you had gotten past the crying stage but that call brought on a second wave. Except this time, you were determined to keep up with your found again lifestyle. More often then not you saved the crying for when you were alone. But sometimes, something reminded you of him and you couldn’t help but to become a little teary eyed in public.

One day though, a month and eleven days after that call, the tears weren’t out of complete sadness. You were at your nieces birthday party and the current activity for the children was making balloon figures with those long, skinny balloons. Your attention was on one kid who was seeming to struggle a little and you could quickly see that her balloon was shaping into something not so appropriate for a kids party. It made you laugh and before you gave it a second thought, you snapped a photo and sent it to Harry, due to it reminding you of a memory with him.

“Baby, I don’t think giraffes are meant to look like that.” Harry was laughing at you, the two of you had, had some drinks and after finding a random packet of those bendable balloons in your backpack, you decided on seeing who could make the best animals.

“I know! I can’t figure out how to do it any differently.” Your tone was frustrated. That was your third attempt and it was turning out exactly how the first two had. In the shape of a penis.

“That dirty mind of yours.” He continued to tease you so you hit him with your penis shaped balloon and he quickly picked up the other two to hit you back with them. It wasn’t long until the swats of balloons became grabby hands and you two had some of the best sex you’d ever had.

It was such a fun moment and your eyes did well up slightly, but it was more of a nostalgic feeling. He replied to the photo quickly.

Harry: I want to support you in whatever you do but I can’t support you teaching the only balloon shape you know how to do, to kids.

His reply was funny and you laughed and gave a quick wipe under your eyes before a tear could roll down but your sister caught the movement and gave you a questioning look so you told her,

“It’s alright now.” And she knew exactly what you meant.

You didn’t message him back. That day. And you had to really fight with yourself not to but for the next two nights he was in all of your dreams so that third morning when you woke up and was still half asleep, you messaged him.

(Y/N): I had this dream you were doing cool shit.

Harry: You did? What was I doing?

(Y/N): A bunch of things, it was like I was watching a movie of you.

Harry: How so?

(Y/N): Idk, having all these adventures on your own.

Harry: Anything in particular that stands out?

(Y/N): You met a woman on the internet and took her home.

Harry: It wasn’t you?

(Y/N): No.

Harry: Interesting.

You didn’t reply after that. You thought it would be another light hearted text conversation but something felt weird about it. Yes, you were obviously broken up but you swore there was a shift of some kind.

You tried your best to forget about, you really fucking tried but a few more weeks passed and on a Saturday at 1:33am you were drunk calling him.

“’lo?” It was his ‘I just woke up voice’. And your heart fluttered, he always was a ‘Do Not Disturb’ person when he slept, so this meant your contact was still selected as a favourite.

“Hi.”

“(Y/N)? What time is it?”

“1:33am.”

“You okay?”

“I don’ know.”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“My life feels out of place...and I’ve been trying real fucking hard to get it back on track.”

“I’m sure if you keep trying-”

“I hate tha’ you’re missing from my life.” You cut him off.

“(Y/N), I think you need to get some sleep.” He could tell you were drunk.

“I know we never painted by the numbers, but like, we were making it count... Right?”

“Right.”

“But it doesn’t mean anything anymore... the greatest loves of all time are over now.” You were so drunk, and speaking a little dramatically but Harry knew you were in a state, so he was being a little patient with you. “Do you miss me, Harry?”

“I do.”

“I miss you, too.”

“But think of all the things you missed when we were together. I don’t want you to stop living your life that you love so much.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

“This is for the best.”

“Do you actually think that?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you want to come stay tonight? I miss you a lot in the mornings.” You were getting more tired and Harry could hear it in your voice.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t, (Y/N).”

“Fine, it’ll just be another day waking up alone.”

“You’re not alone, you’ve got so many people in your life.”

“But not you, anymore.”

“Well, you still do, just not in the same way.”

“But, we were something, don’t you think so?”

“I do think so.... Are you okay, (Y/N)?” Harry asked a second time, he still cared for you so much.

“I think so, I just, can’t stop thinking about what if we had been together in another time... Like, imagine us in the roaring twenties. We’d be so vibrant and throwing parties together... Wishful, too. Tossing pennies in the pool.”

“What would you wish for?” He knew it was wrong to ask this while you were intoxicated but your emotion was flowing onto him even through the phone and he couldn’t help himself but to induldge in your scenario.

“Harry, if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you and me always.” You so unashamedly admitted, and Harry felt guilty then. He was pretty certain you’d wake up in the morning and regret this.

“I think I should go, (Y/N). Let you get some sleep, okay?”

“Yeah, night.” You were exhausted.

“Goodnight.”

The next day your best friend called and once you had told her of your late drunken call to Harry she immediately asked you,

“Now why the fuck would you do that?”

“In my defence... well I have none.”

“Exactly, and my question still stands, why the fuck would you do that?”

“You know me, just can never leave things well enough alone.”

After that call and promising your best friend that you wouldn’t go drunk dialling ex boyfriends again, you really wanted to stick to it. And so you did.

For seven months, there was no contact. And Harry had been laying pretty low so he wasn’t really being talked about and plastered in places so you couldn’t not see his face or hear his name or his songs.

Until news broke of him and his new girlfriend.

It was everywhere and you hated it. You hadn’t even thought of dating someone new. A couple months ago, you and your friend had set up a tinder profile for you but you hadn’t used it at all. You didn’t end things with Harry because you didn’t love him, because you did. So maybe part of you thought that you would get back together eventually, and maybe part of you thought he felt the same.

Apparently not.

The following weekend, you only had a couple drinks when you went out for a friends birthday. Truth being told, ever since seeing photos of Harry simply holding hands with another girl who wasn’t you, you had a pit in your stomach. You didn’t stay out for long, either. It was probably just you being a little anxious but you couldn’t shake the feeling that people were staring at you, and it had been a while since you felt like that and it was not a welcomed feeling.

Once you were home, you persisted and resisted the temptation to call or message Harry, simply to ask him if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? But you did resist and that was something you could celebrate.

Eventually those feelings that came from seeing Harry with his new girlfriend, faded. Partly because you’d done everything in your power to block hearing any news about him, but it was what you needed for your own peace of mind.

But today, you were going to see him, you knew that. And you knew there was a possibility of his new girlfriend also being there. It was a mutual friends engagement party, and maybe you had tried extra hard to look as good as you possibly could due to this knowledge.

You’d brought your best friend as a plus one and she spotted him before you did.

“Don’t turn around, but he’s coming in now.”

“Is she with him?”

“Yeah.” You took in a deep breath at your best friends confirmation of what you’d been worrying over. “He’s just spotted you.”

“Fuck... Does he look like he’s gonna come over?”

“Maybe, he’s talking at the moment.”

Harry was only a 180 twist away from seeing him after no contact for so long, but anxiety overtook any feeling of excitement or temptation. “Let’s move, I’m not ready.”

“We’ll go get a drink.”

The two of you walked off to the bar area and you released a sigh of relief which was followed by a few wet pussy shots to calm your nerves.

As the night continued on, you started to feel more at ease, which was probably from the alcohol but you didn’t care what it came from, as long as you felt better. As far as coming into contact with Harry, you hadn’t yet. You’d spotted the back of him a number of times, but he was always involved in a conversation with someone else.

It was when the engaged couple and their families announced speeches, you’d ended up closer to him then you would have liked. You sat down beside your best friend, only to look slightly to your left and see Harry sitting just to the side of you and a tiny bit forward.

You wished you could’ve said you found this fine and you enjoyed the speeches given by the couple and their family members but you kept allowing your eyes to drift over to him. It was so easy to considering he would have to look over his shoulder to catch you looking. He seemed happy with the rosé flowing with his chosen family.

“Are you okay?” Your best friend whispered to you and you looked back to her with a soft, sad smile.

“Yeah... just would’ve been sweet if it could’ve been me.”

You were so grateful she was there with you and when the final speech was completed with a cheers, the both of you downed your own drinks and then laughed at each other. The laugh of yours that was familiar to someone else in the room and when you felt your vision moving to the left again, you were greeted with Harry’s eyes locking with your own. You weren’t even sure how, but your heart stilled and you watched as he turned his head back to the woman stood beside him to tell her something. She gave him a smile and nodded and you quickly looked at her as she glanced to you, you barely mirrored the smile she offered you because then Harry was making his way towards you.

“Hello, ladies.” He greeted the two of you. Moving to hug your best friend first because you had subconsciously taken a step back when he became too close.

“Hey, Harry.” She greeted him back and you took the brief moment they embraced to glance down and try to quickly regain your composure as best as you could.

It was only a quick timeframe between him hugging your best friend hello to then solely directing his attention to you but at the same time, it seemed like time was in slow motion.

“(Y/N), hi.” He moved to you so easily, and you to him. You were worried about it being awkward but your bodies knew exactly what they were doing when it came to each other. Your arms didn’t bump into each other, rather they so elegantly glided across one another until yours were up and around his shoulders and his were clasped so snugly around your waist.

Fuck, it felt good. It had been so long since you’d seen him, let alone felt him. You were so happy it was a genuine hug, being pressed against him and being held so tight felt so right. “Hi.” You finally returned his greeting, quietly and he pulled you in closer then.

“I’m just gonna head to the bathroom, guys.” Your best friend spoke up and part of you was glad because you weren’t sure you could ever let go of Harry again after being apart for so long. Another part of you wasn’t because it did cause the two of you to break apart and look towards her. You both shared a look, an unspoken ‘are you going to be okay?’ before she walked away after an unspoken confirmation.

When you looked back to Harry, you realised your hand was still gently holding onto this arm and when you noticed he had completely dropped his touch from you, you did the same. “Sorry.” You apologised and held your hands in front of you, but he smiled so warmly at you.

“Don’t be, it’s all good.” He always was so good at making you feel okay.

It was beginning to grow louder where you were with the completion of speeches and the party going back into full swing, so at the same time you both started to suggest finding a different spot.

“Should we-” You both stopped to allow the other to continue but with the double stop you both laughed.

“Let’s go.” Harry continued and so you walked with him in search of a more peaceful spot. After a few steps, you started to grab his hand without even realising why it would be a little problematic to do that right now. “(Y/N)...” He garnered your attention by calling your name and before you could finish filling the gaps between your fingers with his own, he pulled his hand away. His movements weren’t quick or aggressive and he didn’t speak your name with any kind of warning, it was more of a sad tone.

“Sorry.” A second apology was given.

“It’s okay.” He accepted, he wasn’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

Eventually, you two found an empty side balcony with a little corner seat to occupy and when you sat down, your knees touched but neither of you made any effort to move to stop the accidental physical connection.

“You look beautiful.” He complimented you so doubtlessly and as your eyes found his again, you swore the stars you saw in them made their way right to your heart to pierce through it. At a different time, you would have slid right beside him and held his face in your hands and kissed him so tenderly. His hands would have effortlessly found their place on your hips and if you were both feeling daring enough, you would have fucked hard and fast right there on that balcony. But he wasn’t yours anymore. Those stars weren’t for you anymore, as much as you wanted them to be. So you couldn’t allow yourself to react how you wanted to.

“Don’t do that, Harry.”

“What?”

“Tell me that and look at me like that. It’s not fair.”

“(Y/N),” He looked away then with a sigh, but you kept your eyes trained on his side profile. “You wanted this.”

“Okay, no.” Immediately, you argued against his words. “This,” He looked back to you then as you waved your hand between you two, “is not what I wanted.”

“Enlighten me, then.” His tone changed, it was slightly angered now.

“Really? Do you really want to dig up that grave another time.”

“I mean, as far I can remember you broke up with me.”

“But not because I didn’t love you or want you or anything like that, though.” You turned more towards him and the contact of your leg against his became more prominent.

“I know... but I’m with someone else now.”

Fuck, that hurt.

“I know.” Your voice cracked and instantly you snapped your head to the side in an effort to hide your teary eyes but he had already spotted them welling up.

“(Y/N),” He placed his hand on your knee and without looking at him you put your hand over his, at first you told yourself you were going to push his hand away, but instead you let your hand simply sit atop his. “Please don’t cry.”

“I’m trying not to.” And you were. Harry could see that and he waited as you took in a few very shaky breaths. It took everything in him to not gather you in his arms and cradle you against him, but he knew that wouldn’t be the right thing to do right now. But with each breath they became more evened out.

After a couple of minutes, you looked back to him while also lifting your hand from his and pushing his hand from your leg. He got the message and removed his grip.

“I swear I’ve actually been really good.” You spoke up and Harry smiled.

“I don’t doubt that.”

As you continued on, you looked away from him. Mindlessly glancing at whatever you could as you tried to explain. “No, really...like, I miss you, yeah, but, I really have been doing good.”

“I believe you.”

“Honestly, I swear I don’t sit around crying all the time.”

“(Y/N),” Instantly you looked back at him. “I know, you don’t have to explain yourself.”

You laughed and so did he.

“It would’ve been fun... wouldn’t it?”

“What?”

“If you would’ve been the one.”

#Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #one direction #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles angst #harry styles concepts #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles writing #writing #writings #my writing #my writings #the 1 #folklore #by blue

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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The Legend of the Three Caballeros: World Tree Caballeros and No Man is an Easter Island aka Whelp, Xandra Sucks Now.

Salduos Amigos! We’re back.. and today we have two Cabs episodes.. because the top 20 of 2020 list last week took a day longer than expected, so that meant I had a day of my schedule go thbbt and thus had to compress a bit, like the darkwing reviews i’ve done but not NEARLY as much. And if this works out I intend to do more cabs 2 or evne 3 in ones in the future to help speed along the finale. Still giving Kev his 55 bucks worth mind you, just speeding it up a bit in case anything comes back, and because I have a lot of double and triple reviews coming in Feburary due to a very tight schedule, so might as well train for it now.So with that in mind, WELCOME BACK TO THE RIDE OF THE THREE CABLLEROS, and the legend of the three cablleros. I can fit in what little exposition there is on the way, so on with the show after the cut!

World-Tree Caballeros: We pick up where we left off last time: Sheldgoose and co are returning to earth, and it’s been a few weeks, in story time, with Sheldgoose exausted and hungry and Feldrake.. not exactly getting that minons need food to live and wanting to jump right into destroying the Caballeros since their right next door. And while ignoring his minon’s basic needs is just.. dumb, I do appricate that Felldrake is the kind of villian who dosen’t stupidly not attack the heroes if he knows where they are and does try blasting them, with Sheldgoose in his cloak of course to avoid any deniablility. I mean Sheldgoose is impossibly wealthy and in disguise here. No court is going to convict him. But there is a reasonable explination why they can’t do that: since Clinton wasn’t stupid he put up magical protections over the Cabana and while Feldrake COULD break them.. he can’t do it with as little power as he currently has in the staff and has an idea where to get it. But Leopold’s bushed from taking them all the way back from space, to Feldrake’s disapointment so Sheldgoose.. simply offers up his private plane, then uses his mass wealth to get them all the way to their destination the World Tree... yes the NORSE World Tree... in italy.

Yeah you can probably tell there were some rewrites here. This ep, given it features Yddrasil, was SUPPOSED to be about the Norse gods.. but Marvel didn’t want “brand confusion” with THE MIGHTY THOR!

Which originally I scoffed at a bit. Mostly because why would you, Disney, one of the biggest brands in the world NOT want a potetinal crossover with your other properties? I mean .. is this why we haven’t had mickey and friends in avengers costumes yet? If so... BOOOO. Why would you buy Marvel without this ever happening? You put fucking light sabers in kickin it, one of your lesser live action shows though olivia holt is neat and Rudy was alright, but... you won’t put MIGHTY THOR, in a donald duck series? Especially since you already used marvel in one of your shows?

The cat is out of the bag.. just let crossovers happen dude. Your not giving us any decent marvel animated series, and only What If is on the docket for now the future. WHy not? I wasn’t the fondest of the idea at first but then I realized “Wait this could be awesome and rediculous”. And again you’ve already hit a low bar for using this stuff.. just use it. That being said, while we’ll get to it in a moment.. I do get WHY they didn’t let them use the norse gods... possibly.. but it does seem like they really dot’ like crossing the streams character wise and that bothers me it bothers me a lot.

So yeah the world tree is in the snow capped mountains of italy.. which they might have so touche, and the montage of Sheldgoose getting there is great as is Feldrake’s reaction of “Eh i’ts no leopold”. Aw he loves his monkeybatdonkeyrat. So they open the entrance and prepare to go up the massive flight of stairs... only for Sheldgoose to point out the elevator. Which they take instead. I will say Feldrake’s characteriztation.. slipped a bit in these two. It’ snot bad, he’s by now supposed to be someone who WAS so powerful, they don’t get the concept of finesse and it works better next episode.. but hear a good chunk of the episode is just Feldrake shoutng at Sheldgoose and complaning a lot and even at one point tripping over himself with his own stupidity. We’ll get to that. Point is it’s a bit of a step down from last episode but as a result Sheldgoose gets to shine a bit more with Wayne Knight getting more lines to really go full newman and become a smug yet clever jackass. SO it’s a trade off I guess and it does ballance out next time.

So back at the Cabs Cabana, our heroes are having pop corn fights, which Xandra joins in on... this was the intro but I put it here...

Point is next time we see them our heroes are all cataloging everything with the girls help, including a positivity totem, this generation’s talky toster. Xandra gets enraptured with a phone but gets defensive when being called out of date and mocked by the girls. This is SUPPPOSED to set up a character arc for her and I was excited for Xandra to get an episode but we’ll get to that disappointment soon enough. The point is our team gets the call to adventure. And Xandra’s excited because the roman gods, old friends of hers are at the world tree. The Roman Gods are what the planets are named after and are mushed together with the greek gods for reasons I didn’t have time to look into. This review is late as is. Point is they don’t get used as much likely because of the planet thing and the greek gods having a wider range of gods at that with better names. I mean Hades just.. sounds more godly than Pluto. Posiden sounds just as badass as Neptune if not more and Jupiter just dosen’t have hte same wring Zeus was. But for today the only Roman Gods present are Jupiter, Venus and Mars, stand ins for Odin, Frigg and THE MIGHTY THOR respectively in this case but still drawn uniquely. She’s excited to show the boys them and ports them. THIS TIME, the port isn’t you know, stupidly placed and the desert thing seems to have been a one off fluke, and easily could’ve been where a city WAS, but again that could’ve been mentioned. Here it’s just at the foot of the stairs which while inconvient, as Xandra didn’t know about the elvator and Panchito gets on it without thinking to tell the other two who are forced to climb, makes sense: it’s risky to have a direct port to a giant tree that grows planets. Which is also awesome. In the wrong hands the raw power of a tiny planet could be devistating, or someone could make their own galaxy with them as god emeprror if given enough time. Which if you know about the world tree and somehow manage to steal enough planets to make a galaxy of your own without getting caught, you clearly will surivive the eons needed for it.. or could just time speed it up. Point is this place is out of the way for a reason this time, elevator or no. So then we meet the ROMAN GODS... and they’ve not only clearly aged, but have given up fighting for gardening, with Mars being a decript old man who can’t remember xandra’s name, which given she heavily implies they were a thing is not great, and goes on and on about Tubers. Yeahhhh... I can’t exactly blame marvel for NOT wanting one of their biggest characters depiected as a doddering old man obssed with potatoes. LIke the brand confusion thing is still stupid, I want MIckey, Donald and Goofy as Cap, Iron Man and Hulk yesterday you cowards..., but thinking this would be confusing for kids or would hurt the character a bit? yeah fair enough, a bit paranoid but understandable given Marvel is the backbone of the company these days and at this point, had been massively sucessful with avengers and everything. So I do get it even if I don’t get shifting the setting from the world tree, and suspect there they had to rework the episode during production.

So we not only meet our gods.. and the reason this isn’t the best episode. It’s not the worst, we’ll get there in a moment, but it’s not very good. And the reason... is Xandra. Her reaction to the gods being out of shape and old and retired, tending to the tree and not really fighting or doing hero stuff anymore is to get upset and wonder how her friends and as we learn later inspiration fell this low. That’d be fine and somewhat intresting. Problem is.. the Gods explain they quit after the titan wars which gave Mars some VERY obvious PTSD tha’ts VERY uncomfortably played for laughs. Look in comedy you can joke about just about anything, that’s the nature of it. But there are some things you REALLY need to tread carefully with. Now Family Guy, and this is late seasons “race jokes and shock humor” family guy mind you, somehow got this with Quagmire having ptsd in one episode where the show was set in diffrent time periods... due to hearing fortunate son over and over in vietnam.

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This is actually funny, parodies something else, paticually overblown namsplotation in media and overuse of a great song that really dosen’t need to be used ALL the time in everything. This.. is just “HA he’s rattled because he was in a presumibly bloody war wand given ther’es only four gods left, we see one next episode, they probably all died.. and if they are still alive reincarnated.”. It’s just.. uncomfortable and if this bit was taken out, the episode wouldn’t be great, but it wouldn’t be as odious and Xandra HORRIBLY unsympathetic. It’s not helped by the fact that even without the ptsd.. the gods just watn’t to semi retire. They haven’t given up their duty, their still tending to the world tree.. they just dont’ want to fight or quest anymore because they were in a possibly centuries long bloody war that dwinlded their numbers and clearly left mental scars. Xandra comes off like an insenstive ass for putting her old version of them over the new and while the moral’s SUPPOSED TO BE that she shouldn’t cling to the past and had it simply beeen about her realizing she has to let them be who they are now, it would’ve worked.. instead it’s just “You guys suck because you won’t traumatize yourself more. “. The worst they do is hide under a table instead of fight and again, it’s very clear at least one of them if not all have PTSD. The only thing that keeps this from being truly awful is I genuinely don’t think the writers thought out the implicatoins of Mars line, which while still not a great train of thought to have modern writers not get that, it’s better than nothing. It just sinks the entire episode as i’ts emotional core.. comes off as a snotty teenager forcing some old people into combat and getting rewarded for it. The other side of the plot is not half bad though. The boys catch Feldrake and Sheldgoose trying to steal the planet, with Feldrake enlarging a bunch of termites we’ve been seeing so far in the episode to attack the cabs. But what really shines is the Cabs. They work well as a team, have camradere, face Sheldgoose with no fear and while they do run from the termites, which look HORRIFYING by the way, and then come up with the hairbrained but still not half bad scheme of covering donald and wood and using him as bait. This ends up working since Xandra rallies/guilttrips the gods into ignoring their ptsd and fighting anyway. I mean “Heroically helping them realize they stil have fight and fighting like the heroes she looked up to”... and then we get the climax which is just awesome. Sheldgoose and Feldrake get the planet afterall raining metors down so while the Roman gods take those out, Xandra calls on the guys to distfract Sheldgoose and Feldrake so she can snipe the planet out of his hands. How do they do this? Juipiter fast ball specials them up to the asteroid he’s on! If your wondering what a Fast Ball special is.. you’ve certianly seen it but here’s a practical demonstration.

So yeah that. OUr heroes take it in stride though and awesomely use how much Sheldgoose is irritate dby them to distract him by basically playing whack a mole, so he slowly destroys the ground bellow him, and Xandra snipes him, sapping him of his new god-tier power up and causing his platform to crumble, with the boys escaping falling to earth like the two of them thanks to jose hooking the tree with his cain. As I said this episode shows how far the boys have come: from greedy idiots who were scared.. to true heroes ready to step up, running away when tactically advantageous and easily taking on the main villians and coming up with a plan to beat them on the fly. That.. is what I wanted going into the show and if nothing else this episode gives me that. Also the girls talked to xandra earlier and I missed it. Eh. We do get a nice moment though of the boys telling Xandra she does fit in.. with them. And really as far as i’m concerned she’s one of the cabs, so I like this moment a lot.. I just wish it didn’t ring so hollow with everything else going on. Overall this ep is okay.. it has it’s moments but the Xandra side of thing just.. drains a lot of the life out of it. What COULD’VE been a solid character building episode makes her come off as a selfish, impatient insenstive asshole who’s trying to crowbar the past in instead of accepting her friends as who they’ve become in the centuries she’s been gone, though Sheldgoose and the boys do keep this from being awful. SPEAKING OF AWFUL.

No Man is an Easter Island:

This.. was a rough one. Not going to sugarcoat it. This episode was not very good despite some good segments and despite not mocking a serious mental issue, it’s somehow more obnoxious. The PTSD thing was clearly a mistake.. this.. this was intentional. Let’s tear this one apart shall we? So we open with Sheldgoose and Feldrake where they were last time, Easter Island. It turns out in this unvierse hte moai are actually giant stone men and their heads are the only things visable because the rest of hteir body is undreground, stomping out surfer dude lava lizards who want to come to the surface and burn it. Feldrake.. decides this is a great idea and agrees to help, as does sheldgoose.

Seriously Feldrake wants to CONQUER the world. In fact he did it once already. We’re not talking about someone like say Negaduck, who I talked about earlier this week: while he MIGHT conquer, he gets just as much joy out of mindless violence and would gladly blow up the world him and all just for the hell of it. Feldrake is your classic evil overloard and wants to RULE the world not destroy it and wouldn’t be happy without something to lord over and terrorize. And Sheldgoose wants the same and is presumibly sticking around to backstab his ancestor at the first opportunity to steal his power for his own. How does setting the world on fire, literally, benefit either of them? Sure they COULD take over int he aftermath, but that’s after the lizards have likely destroyed most of the world, not even taking into account the vast amount of water and infastructure and the size of their home means they’ll run out of troops to use as a living bridge, cool as that is, eventually. Humans would have to invent ways to transport them and given as far as I know we have a through understnading of lava and magma, we’d instead be working on weapons. The lizards woul dmake a good army under the right leadership to sidestep this.. but as a world ending threat while they’d still cause untold damage in lives and suffering, I just don’t see them being enough to conquer the world. It just makes no sense. The one thing that salvages it and this episode is what happens next, which i’m skipping ahead to because it’s my blog and I do this how I want: Feldrake TRIES just shooting the moai with his magic.. but the one he tries it on just has it harmlessly bounce off.. which given their dealing with magical fire creatures makes sense. So Sheldgoose instead steps in to Feldrake’s reluctance.. and shows his own talents. As a university head and professional asshole, he can manipulate with the best and talks the moai’s into taking a vacatoin, using the staff to hyponotize them so they don’t think about the downsides. It’s.. really fucking awesome honestly, and shows off that Sheldgoose is like the boys: a comical moron yes.. but VERY dangerous in the right cirucmastances. While he did use his great great great grampa’s magic for this a bit with the hypnosis, it’s his manpulations that MAADE the hypnosis work: by giving the moai something they WANT, a vacatoin and a break from a thankfless job, it means they aren’t acitvely trying to break his control no matter what happens and he and Feldrake can focus on freeing the lizards. And on top of that.. Wayne Knight gets one HELL of a musical number, sing talking to the beat as he manipulates and hypnotizes the moai and encourages their partying. While the main plan is dumb the plan to get there is just glorious to watch and Sheldgoose’s finest hour thus far and again we get to hear wayne knight SING. Kinda. And I will not trade that for anything.

So what are the Cabs up during this? hanging out, playing cards and doing friend stuff like Panchito doing a dive and them catching him. Jose claims nothing could split us up.. and cue Daisy.

It.. it’d been so nice without her. And you may recall last time she showed up while I didn’t like her or her actions or how it was written.. she was at least KINDA tolerable. Still a total bitch but you know she MIGHT have had a point and we might learn more about her history with donald.

Yeah this episode cements that this Daisy is awful and Donald is better off without her. She shows up because the girls talked Donald up, beause their angels.. and also because they apparently live with him now? Like.. don’t Daisy, who dosen’t think Donald’s responsible or their parents, whoever the hell they are, have.. issues with them suddenly living with three 30 something men and an xty hear old Goddess. I mean.. that sould raise a few thousand flags, but frankly at this point if your wondering why a child is living iwth a disney character instead of your parents their probably dead or on the moon. That’s not the problem here. No the problem her is again, somehow twice in a row, Xandra. After great introductions to both the boys to daisy, Jose flirts and Panchito shakes her hand a bit too hard, same as it ever was, Donald TRIES to bring up being a cabllero.. and Xandra prevents him then explains outside after the girls smooth things over why: telling daisy would bring her into his world and all the dangers with it.....

I HATE this trope. I hate it so fucking much. See i’m a superhero guy. I’ve made no attempt to hide this. So you can imagine the number of times i’ve seen a hero hide their ID and use this fucking excuse “They’ll get hurt if they know” or “it’s too much of a risk” or “blah blah blah bullshit reason for not telling my partner the truth”. Now i’m not saying the secret idtentity or having some sort of secret world saving thing are bad tropes. They are valid stories for a reason. Sometimes you CAN’T: Peter Parker didn’t tell Aunt May because she had a weak heart, Thor dind’t tell jane foster because his dad was a dick who’d go after her any time he tried and when he finally did.. still did shit to break them up. Because Odin is an asshole. Ms. Marvel didn’t tell her parents because she thought they’d stop her and when her dad found out, if sadly breifly, you can guess what happen. Miles Morales didn’t because he was terrified he’d be homeless as his dad HATED mutants, which he thought he was and wasn’t fond of viglantes, and to make matters worse his mother later DIED, she got better as of secret wars, in a spider-man fight, if not thanks to him obviously, so when Miles DID tell him Jefferson abandoned him for months. He’s gotten FAR better since then and really grown as a person, but my point stands: I’ts okay to hide your id at first to protect yourself as a hero: it’s okay to want to make sure a partner dosen’t out you to the press or something and is stable and loving enough before you tell htem. And it’s okay to not tell them something if htey probably wont’ belivie it or might not be prepared just yet. Now if they have some reason to hate the other you you should probably either tell them and see what happens or explain things, like Peter should’ve tried explaning what happened with Gwen’s dad to her, or break it off for their own good, which will devistate them, but is better than lying to them. And that’s the problem: As Wonder WOman said in a shockingly obnoxious movie, “Nothing good comes from lies”.. and while groosly oversimplified.. is not wrong here. Nothing good comes from lying to your partner day in and day out. I’ts why more modern works have deconscruted it: Miles, again, had a girlfriend named Barbra, but the recent run broke them up.. however they did so cleverly by having Miles refuse to tell her his id despite her having figured it out and her leaving him for hiding stuff from her. That’s what would REALLY happen. A long term partner isn’t going to tolerate you LYING to them and ducking out constnatly to save the world. Eventually you either have to let them go or try and tell them. I’ve been in barely any relationships but I was ALWAYS honest because again, nothing good comes from lying to your partner. Nothing good comes from deciving them and basically gaslighting them for “their own good”. If their with you and your an adventuer, super hero or what have you.. their in danger. So either don’t date them and find someone your speed like another hero or some mythical being, or TELL THEM and let THEM decide if it’s too much. This kind of bullshit is manipulative, cruel and selfish and I thought we’d settled it.

And while Donald was intending to tell Daisy to impress her, a bad reason i’ll admit... he was trying to be honest. But the EPISODE tries to portray it as a good thing and as him being noble. It isn’t. He’s listneing to a bad person, who has to EARN my good will back after this, whose only in it for herself. No really she only has the two go out because she’s tired of donald pining for daisy.

I mean i’ts been a month, and the girls are around but she hasn’t come up once during the last few episodes. So this comes out of nowhere and makes Xandra into a selfish jackass who is willing to send her friend off to lie to his partner with NO cover story for his actions to make him look good just to shut him up. This is someone who need I remind you can travel the world in an instant and knows a lot of magical beings who’d understand donald’s line of work. Instead of setting him up with one of them and abandoning daisy she sets up a doomed relationship. Oh and she and the boys whine about being bored without donald. Fuck off.. not you josea nd panchito, while extra dumb this episode the boys just genuinely miss their best friend and it’s endearing. Xandra though.. she can fuck off. As mentioned Daisy is not much better, and spends the date grilling donald about what he does , as AGAIN, XANDRA GAVE HIM NO COVER STORY OR JOB OR ANYTHING. Now granted she’s hundreds of years old, so she probably wouldn’t have a good one anyway... but she’s the one who INSISTs ON IT BEING A SECRET. And as the girls have shown, again knowing that secret does not hurt. Their mission control, Daisy could be too. Worst she could want is to JOIN them and given the boys started with no experince and are now certified ass kickers... why can’t she be one too? It feels less like Xandra looking out for Daisy and more that Xandra just dosen’t wnat her in her club.. which fair but still. The point is Daisy still treats donald as shifty and worthless, despite no evidence to this as whiel he has his faults doing nothing is not worth them and even says when he tries to spin it as “helping those in need” “How can you help other people if you can’t help yourself?”

I mean it’d be something to ponder and a great thesis statment.. in another story. Or even in this one.. if it’d been set up that Donald had been irresponsible. Someone willing to abandon others, prone to anger and a bit of a goofus, all true. But it really says how little you think of him Daisy that you can’t even picture him helping people and assume it’s some excuse. That you clearly hate your ex so much, clearly think of him as so much less than you that youc an’t FATHOM he’s doing good stuff and only think he’s gottne better when he pampers you with fizzy water, though it nicely has scrogoe on the bottle so good little nod there, and lobster. Seriously she dosen’t turn around till the girls, dressing up as a waiter , offer that. I..can’t fathom why we’re supposed to root for this relationship between a flawed but hardworking person.. and his ex partner who STILL never apologized for the brithday thing despite his FUCKING HOUSE BURNING DOWN, i.e. e the THING HE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN, and then spends dinner doubting he’s doing anything with his life, distruting both him and his nieces.

And.. it gets worse. Yes.. yes it somehow gets worse. No foolin. So the bell is sound and Xandra FORCIBLY ABDUCTS DONALD FROM THE DATE SHE TOLD HIM TO GO ON. And both come out really bad, if worse on Xandra’s end by a mile. Donald is refusing to go help save the world or whatever for a date with someone that DOES NOT appricate him and only accepts bribes. Tha’ts a dick move even if he dosen’t realize he’s in an abusive relationship to put getting laid over the world’s saftey. That being said.. Xandra STILL comes off worse. Despite having the moral high ground.. Xandra dosen’t KNOW what the threat is, or if they really need him, drags him out, dosne’t let him explain to daisy, and then barely lets him go back when it seems it’s just a party. Then drags him back AGAIN when their backs are against the wall without feeding daisy an explination or really caring she broke things up just halfheartdly saying she’ll forgive him and Donald saying “You don’t know daisy”. None of them come off well. Again the boys only aren’t loathsomebecause their oblivoius and just want their best friend back. If the other episode hadn’t already damaged Xandra enough i’m DEEPLY worried she won’t be able to walk this one back. Daisy certainly fucking won’t.

So yeah our heros deal with the moai and the lava lizards, as the boys fail to get the moai to go back to their job and the lizards unleash their wonderfuly weird queen who rides a bridge of them to the mainland.. fucking love that. When things get dire Xandra does aformentioned forcing donald to come back without actually helping him with daisy or just TELLING HER AND OH MY GOD LET’S JUST MOVE ON. Fuck this episode is aggravating me.

We do get a nice bit where donald’s angry dance inspires the moai to imitate it.. and thus stomps out the laval lizards and gives our heroes an opening, and Donald DOES prove his worth by having the moai do the belly flop from earlier to stop the queen, causing the rest of the lizards to flee and our heroes to win. Yay.. I guess. Donald goes back to find Daisy gone.

He dosen’t see it that way and the girls say while he’s still a mess, what he did was noble. that sucks, and they leave him a massive bill instead of paying for it with their tips because their the ones who brought in the fancy food to ply their aunt. Fuck. this. episode. Final Thoughts for This one: I belivie I said FUCK THIS EPISODE. It had it’s moments, the musical number, the moai beach party, my boys.. but the sheer obnoxiousness, cliche plot that has been throughly shredded for good reason and isn’t in use anymore about secret lives, and Daisy, Xandra and to a very lesser Extent Donald all being deeply unlikable. This episode is just REALLY fucking bad. HOpefully the series gets back on it’s feet next time. Until the next rainbow.. I really need a frigging gatorade. I.. I don’t drink booze. This is one of those times I wish I did. Goodnight everybody.

#the legend of the three caballeros #the three caballeros #ride of the three caballeros #donald duck #panchito romero miguel junipero francisco quintero gonzalez #panchito pistoles #Jose Carioca #daisy duck #april duck #may duck #june duck #lord feldrake #baron von sheldgoose #xandra #reviews #comissions

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peterstanslizzie · 4 years ago

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Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 2.6 (The Rise and Fall of the Kate Empire)

A baby kitten is born every time Kate smiles

- It’s lunchtime and the students of Hillridge Junior High have flocked to the school courtyard to eat their lunch. However, Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda got there a bit too late and they are struggling to find seats.The only 3 seats available are at Kate and Claire’s table (which was actually their usual table) but due to obvious reasons, they hesitate to sit with them.

- However, Gordo is sick of eating his baloney in the grass and wants to take a stand against the cheerleaders and their ‘no mixing with outsiders’ policy. Things start out promising but moments later, all three of them end up eating in the grass.

I wish they showed what Kate and Claire did or say to them that caused them to back away.

- The cheerleaders are then seen practicing their routine led by Kate and our main trio have no other choice but to watch them. As Lizzie is watching them perform, she expresses her disdain for Kate and wishes that she would be knocked off her pedestal. Well, be careful what you wish for Lizzie because it might just come true and just like that...we get this moment:

Claire, the new Queen Bee Cheerleader

- After the opening credits, we find out that Kate had dislocated her shoulder and won’t be able to do cheerleading for about a month. Whilst Gordo and Miranda are somewhat thrilled about it, Lizzie feels slightly bad for Kate because she didn’t want her to get hurt. I’m not surprised since Kate and Lizzie did share that one bonding moment together in Season 1. So, she already knows there’s good inside of her.

- We then see Kate arriving at the cheerleaders’ lunch table but Claire and the rest of her so-called ‘friends’ are giving her a weird look. Claire rudely tells Kate that she’s not allowed to sit at their table since her shoulder got dislocated and can’t be a cheerleader anymore. She’s giving such Gretchen Wieners “You can’t sit with us” vibes. But seriously, this really shows me that Claire and the other girls are such bad friends because they are willing to turn their back against their own kind for no good reason. Especially Claire; Why would she treat her best friend like that? That’s really evil.

- I thought Kate was going to stand up for herself but no, she just leaves without fighting back. And look at her! She’s eating alone on the grass...I feel bad for her and so does Lizzie.

- Life for Lizzie and her friends under Claire’s rule or should I say, iron fist is miserable. Not only is she forcing people who’s not popular to not walk in the same hallway as her, she’s also making everyone eat lunch in the grass. She’s way worse than Kate, that’s for sure.

- Fun fact: The Lizzie Mcguire novel titled ‘The Rise and Fall of the Kate Empire’ that was based on this episode actually included Claire telling our main trio that they’re not allowed to walk in that hallway because she deemed it to be a “cheerleaders-only hallway”. She also tells them to go to the ‘dork-hallway’ instead, which where the next scene takes place.

Mission ‘Re-popularize Kate’

- Kate is seen struggling to carry her books and Lizzie approaches her to help. Lizzie also apologizes to Kate about everything that has happened to her recently. Lizzie doesn’t have to feel weird about being nice to her; They’re definitely friends deep down still.

- After school, Lizzie tells her friends that they should try to make Kate popular again so that they don’t have to deal with Claire being the school’s Queen Bee anymore. But of course, it’s clear Lizzie really wants to help her only because she feels sorry for her. After some initial hesitation, Gordo and Miranda are onboard with Lizzie’s new mission.

- For stage one of their plan, they first try to spread a rumor about Kate’s aunt being a famous cheerleader for the Lakers, which backfires on them because it made Kate seem even more desperate to become popular again. With Plan B, they sit with Kate in the grass and ask her what they can do to help her so that she can get her friends back again.

- Hmm, how about not giving two cents about her fake friends? They are horrible for just dumping her like that. Time to move on, I say. Anyways, Kate laments about not being able to do any cheerleading stunts with just one arm but I love how Lizzie is recommending her some stunts she can do since she did do Rhythmic Gymnastics in the 7th grade. I like this callback.

- Another fun fact: The novel also included Lizzie revealing to Kate that they were the ones who spread that rumor about her aunt.

Aww look at her; She really appreciates Lizzie for being willing to help her. Also, I’m living for Miranda calling Claire a witch lmao.

- Things shift over to a montage of Lizzie teaching Kate how to do one-handed stunts and Kate picks it up pretty quickly. After practice, Kate acts like she isn’t grateful for them helping her, which of course, is all a front since she wants to maintain her tough exterior in front of other people. Oh, and this moment was really awkward but funny to watch:

Basically, Gordo thought that Kate was going to thank him for helping her but it turns out that he was just sitting on her sweater lol.

The Moment Of Truth

- During cheer practice, Kate confronts Claire and challenges her to a cheer competition, to which she agrees to do. Kate goes first and she does amazingly well. But I can’t help but notice that it’s clearly a stunt double in Kate/Ashlie’s place lol.

Kate ends her routine with an aerial cartwheel and that amazes everyone in the audience, including Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda.

- Claire’s up next and...

She does an EPIC FAIL. The sound effects made it even funnier. Poor thing ended up hurting her wrist. But that’s karma for ya Claire.

- And just like that, Kate regains her status as head cheerleader with Claire being down for the count.

- Fast forward a few days later, Claire is seen with an arm sling and she’s seen eating lunch alone (as deserved btw). Kate sees her and walks up to her, with Lizzie, Miranda and Gordo thinking she’s probably going to make fun of her.

- But look at this! Kate is actually being nice to her and is welcoming Claire to sit with them despite having fractured her wrist. She’s trying to set a new precedent by not treating her friends like dirt, unlike Claire and I’m so here for that.

B-Plot: Matt and the Doorbell

This is honestly really adorable lol

- Matt reveals to his parents that he will be starring in his school’s play this year but he will only have one line to say, which is probably Matt’s most iconic line from the entire show and that is “Ah, the doorbell. I’ll get that”. Despite this, Matt thinks he is a big star of the play and without him, the play would be ruined.

- I think Lanny doesn’t seem to be down with Matt’s diva or should I say divo behavior. But at least he’s showing his support and helping him run through his one and only line lol.

- Gradually, throughout the episode, Matt’s behavior stars to get out of hand (as usual); First, he demands his mom, Jo to remove the chocolate chips from the trail mix she prepared for him and later, he asks her to turn down the lights in the living room for him. He’s even starting to boss Lanny around.

- It’s actually gotten so bad that both Jo and Sam are willing to ground him after the play for treating the people around him like dirt. After hearing about the news of his grounding, Matt gets upset to the point where he loses his voice from trying to talk back to them. And just like that, they decide to retract his sentencing because losing his voice is good enough punishment. Umm, shouldn’t they be more concerned about his health though lol?

- Anyways, towards the end of the episode, Matt is bed-ridden and he also apologizes to his mom and Lanny for being a jerk to them. Because Matt isn’t able to do the play anymore, Lanny volunteers to take his place. I wonder how he’s going to say the line since we NEVER hear him speak. Lol! I guess that’s the joke huh?

Overall Thoughts

- It’s pretty clear that the A-plot and the B-plot of this episode both share the same lesson of learning how to not treat your friends like dirt with Matt apologizing to his mom and Lanny for his diva behavior and with Kate learning not to treat people badly despite having been treated badly herself by those same people.

- This episode definitely has elements of the season 1 episode, “Lizzie and Kate’s Excellent Adventure” where we see Lizzie and Kate getting along well. I just wish that this episode ended with them actually becoming friends again because clearly, they were always meant to be friends. Like, they seriously need to stop playing it up in public that they dislike each other. That smile they gave each other in the end was all the hint they needed in order to realize that them hating on each other is stupid. And with Claire, I just hope she learned her lesson and realizes that Kate is a true friend. This episode also makes me realize that she is such a bad influence on Kate. Hopefully things will change with Claire.

- Matt’s storyline was pretty decent actually; It really shows me that he can take responsibility and apologize to the people he’s offended. His scenes didn’t distract me from the main plot and I hope it continues this way in the episodes to come.

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stevenuniversallyreviews · 6 years ago

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Episode 94: Greg the Babysitter

“We all gotta grow up sometime, right?”

Right off the bat, this episode’s greatest weakness is that we don’t see Baby Buck and the Baby Pizza Twins as we do in Lamar Abrams’s promo art. How dare we not have more baby teens?

Lack of infant variety notwithstanding, this is a great episode, if not a subtle one. Greg is no stranger to hammering out the lesson of a story, but here it’s made so explicit so often that it threatens to weaken the actual plot. Fortunately the plot does a good enough job of showing that it makes up for all the telling, but still, it’s so on the nose that Vidalia calls Greg out when he belatedly repeats the moral it in response to an unrelated statement.

(But to be clear, this is a story about growing up. Growing up is what this episode about. Gaining maturity is valuable. Emotional development is important. Taking responsibility as you age: good. Staying a kid forever: bad!)

As with Annoying Steven early in the series, this lesson is achieved by presenting us with Douchebag Greg. Douchebag Greg slums around and mooches off a single working mother, depriving her of her own food and taunting her for working to feed her child. When tasked with babysitting, he does what he wants instead of focusing on what a baby might need, and when the kid goes missing, his search includes a pit stop to the arcade to play video games.

This is the second episode where Greg is awful for the bulk of the runtime, and the first, House Guest, was so bad that it earned my inaugural “No Thanks!” rating (a brutal assessment, I know). By that metric you might think I’d dislike Greg the Babysitter as well, because boy oh boy is Douchebag Greg unlikable. But the key difference is the level of intent: even looking past the age and maturity gap between these two Gregs, the Greg of House Guest chooses to lie to his son despite seeing how hard Steven takes it, while Douchebag Greg’s actions stem from sincere cluelessness. Neither is great, and younger Greg is still old enough to know better, but ignorance is far more digestible than purposeful shadiness from this character.

Both House Guest and Greg the Babysitter stay somewhat true to Regular Greg by making him driven by love, whether it’s paternal or romantic. The problem of House Guest is that this emotional core is tainted by him wronging Steven in a way we’ve never seen before or since (compare his feigning of an injury to his negligence in Maximum Capacity, where he instead makes a mistake and is immediately regretful). Nothing in Greg the Babysitter diminishes any sense of authenticity about Greg’s feelings for Rose, because for all his flaws, he doesn’t take advantage of Rose or their relationship.

Moreover, I appreciate that his flaws come from the same character traits that kicked off this relationship, which so far has dominated his flashbacks: Greg is a dreamer and a romantic, which works great in Story for Steven, and he takes the relationship seriously, so he matures on that front in We Need to Talk, but now we see that he’s so focused on Rose that he’s ignoring every other element of life as a functioning adult.

This episode works because Greg is realistically irresponsible. His head has always been in the clouds, and now he’s in a relationship with someone that’s literally magic, so he has no incentive to reflect on himself barring a dire situation. But this episode excels because Greg’s decision to grow up has nothing to do with Steven. We get the groundwork for Rose wanting a kid, but Greg getting his act together is something he does for himself. It would’ve been so easy for this shift to be prompted by impending fatherhood, but it’s far more satisfying to see a character improve himself because he wants to, rather than out of obligation to others. It allows the moment he takes agency to be triumphant without being mixed up in a sense of begrudging acceptance of his duties.

Finally, while I still think it’s ridiculous that the Crystal Gems treat him like a total flake in Laser Light Cannon given his clear improvement since the Douchebag Greg days, it does make a little sense that beings unaccustomed to change would have a hard time getting past this first impression. If you go back and watch the second season of the series after Greg the Babysitter, it’s not hard to imagine which Greg they’re talking about. It’s a stretch, because they’ve seen plenty of evidence to contradict this impression, but if you’re looking to explain their behavior then it’s the best reason I’ve got.

Greg the Babysitter marks an unspoken milestone in the series: this is the last time we’ll ever see Rose Quartz before her web of duplicity begins to unravel. In just four episodes, we’ll learn that she bubbled Bismuth away and lied about it to everyone. In another three, we’ll hear that she shattered Pink Diamond. The veracity of that second part is irrelevant, because the truth only further proves her capacity for deceit. We’ve seen already that Rose wasn’t perfect, but this is her final appearance before the dominoes begin to fall. One last happy memory that directly leads to the creation of our show’s title character, in an episode that emphasizes how dreaming is nice, but reality will always force people to make a change.

We see way more of Rose in this swan song than we did in Story for Steven or We Need to Talk, and like Greg, her mistakes here can be attributed to cluelessness. She admits how confusing humans can be for her, particularly babies, so it’s hard to blame her for not taking good care of Sour Cream. It’s especially hard to blame her considering how excited she is for him to exhibit independence. And it’s impossible to blame her, at least for me, when she references one of my favorite dumb Simpsons jokes in regards to watching him.

The Pink Diamond revelation adds new layers to her explanation that Gems are made for specific purposes, but the funny thing is, it doesn’t add that many new layers: even before learning just how high up Rose was, we still knew she was rebelling against what she was made to do. I think the more interesting aspect of her speech is how it lines up with Bismuth’s repetition of her insistence that Gems could break away from their intended roles. Seeing Rose talk about it here, less than twenty years ago, is made fascinating by knowing she was saying the same thing thousands of years ago. For a Gem that’s interested in change, she hasn’t really changed that much. It’s one thing for her to know that and talk about it, but it’s another for us to see it in action.

I love how an episode that’s this unsubtle (about being a story about growing up, in case you didn’t catch it) manages to quietly explain why Steven exists. We see a baby, and we see Rose loves babies, and we see Rose admires the human capacity to change, and we’ll soon see that Rose herself stagnated there a little bit, but we leave it at that. Judging by the age difference between Sour Cream and Steven, it’s a few years until she and Greg make an actual decision, so it makes sense to not reference it too explicitly this early, but it’s still a direction the episode could’ve taken and I’m very glad it didn’t.

I’ve made no secret about how much I love Brian Posehn voicing Sour Cream with his regular grown man voice, so obviously the best part of this episode is his further use of that voice for Baby Cream. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, and by itself ensures that Greg’s dickishness can’t pull the episode too far down. As with Onion Friend, the strange connection between Sour Cream and Steven is left unspoken, but it’s wild to consider that this side character is a big reason why our protagonist exists. While I’d be fine with this continuing to be a quiet part of the backstory, I can’t say I wouldn’t be interested in seeing Steven and Sour Cream talk about it one day, even as a small gag.

Onion Friend was also the last time we spent any meaningful amount of time with Vidalia, and it’s neat to fill in some gaps between her debut cameo in Story for Steven and her modern iteration. Marty’s flakiness is further proven by her being a single mother from the start, but she’s clearly risen to the occasion and loves the hell out of her kid. Her patience with Greg is tested by his awfulness (and honestly makes said awfulness hard to watch, given how much is on her plate), but it speaks volumes that she’s so welcoming to the ex-friend of her ex. She’s probably the only human Greg knows in Beach City at this point, and I honestly wish we saw more of their modern relationship when we have such a vivid image of their history.

I Think I Need a Little Change might not reach the rocking heights of Comet or What Can I Do For You, but it’s catchier than either and has that wonderful twist on the double meaning of “change.” The wordplay speaks for itself, but it’s a cool trick to reveal that this musical montage is as diegetic as the other two songs: this is something he’s actually singing to people. We get a hefty break from songs after Mr. Greg, so that might be meddling with my opinions, but I think this is my favorite of the three. Puns beat electric guitar, and the song crystalizes Greg’s similarity to Steven come Change Your Mind.

And so we end Season 3, Act 2. We’ve had the aftermath of the Cluster, and we’ve had a series of slice of life episodes from this particularly magical life, but we’ll soon be back to the high-octane plotting of the Cluster Arc. It’s a bit strange that Greg the Babysitter comes between Alone at Sea and Gem Hunt, considering the Jasper of it all, but it’s nice to have this respite before we barrel towards the pivotal moment of Steven’s series-wide arc, especially when this respite tells us a lesson that’s about to become a lot more obvious in the coming storm:

Steven Universe is a story about growing up.

Future Vision!

Good thing nothing bad happened to Sour Cream, or else Greg would’ve had to pray that his space goddess's magic could bring people back from the dead. That would be a ridiculous power!

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

Vidalia got this top from the T-Shirt Shop where she works. This top has a collar. T-shirts do not have collars. It’s unresearched nonsense like this that makes Cartoon Network put this show on hiatus so often, come on people.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

While I do enjoy this episode and stand by it being great, I don’t necessarily love things that I critically find great. Greg the Babysitter doesn’t do quite enough on the emotional level to make me truly love it, considering how much time we have to spend with Douchebag Greg. I appreciate the importance of his douchebaggery, and the importance of this episode as a whole, but this isn’t an something I go out of my way to rewatch. Sorry, Baby Cream. I still like it!

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure

#greg the babysitter #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

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evakuality · 6 years ago

Photo

So it’s meta Monday again, and here I am finally with this clip analysis. Please, if you want to play along and give me something to talk about, then hop over to my asks and give me some ideas. Otherwise, it’ll be another of these next week :)

Episode number and name: Two. Du er over 18, sant?

Clip number and name: Five. Mekke øl

My thoughts/analysis: Not only is this a long clip, it’s also one in which a lot happens. And is, understandably, a favorite for many people including me. So I apologize in advance for this thing being roughly a million words longer than it probably needs to be. It’s also very very hard to say anything new about this clip. It’s been analyzed to death, but I’d never forgive myself if I missed it. So bear in mind there’s not much new here; this is just my version of a long running love affair with this clip.

It starts after school on a Friday with what are fairly typical joyous shots of people really happy that they don’t have school again for a couple of days (I empathize -- I may not be a student but I too would like to dance in the streets when school’s over for a week). And into this, of course, come our boys. Magnus is showing himself to be someone who wants to learn and do better, and yet is still a bit of an idiot. He’s taken on board that guys should go down on chicks, and has decided he’s going to do it himself. Just exactly how he’s going to do this is hard to figure out, considering it’s very clear that he isn’t really experienced and has literally zero game. Isak doesn’t help, insinuating that Magnus would need directions if he ever got anywhere near a girl, which, from him, is just a teeny bit hypocritical I have to say; but it does say a lot about the personalities of the two. Neither of them is particularly experienced, neither of them is as good with this stuff as they’d like to be and yet one of them has everyone around convinced that he’s the master of flirting and hooking up, while the other is the object of jokes. The fact that Magnus can wear his heart on his sleeve like this while Isak has to hide so much is yet another pointer to the distance there is between this group. The fact that Isak is so good at this mask he uses is sad; it means he’s been doing it for a very long time. This is second nature to him, and he has cultivated and perfected this image of a player to the extent that it doesn’t even seem like he’s trying.

Then of course, we have the scene where they argue about who owes who beer and so who has to be the one to get it. The main point here is to set up an evening they are all looking forward to, which Isak then rejects in favor of Even and his many charms. That Isak ends up agreeing to source the beer makes the stakes here higher than they otherwise would be. If he was just going it’d be fine for him to skip but a) he’s the one with the in to Emma and her friends and b) he’s also now the one who’s supposed to provide the beer. So, when he makes the decision later to ditch them it has a lot more weight. He’s disappointing Emma who thinks he’s into her and he’s disappointing his boys not just by pulling the promise of the party away from them, but also by not providing the alcohol. We tend to not blame Isak here, because we see how affected by Even he is, but this short scene is here to make us realize that this is a bigger deal than we might think and that the others around him are justifiably pissed off with him when he decides not to go.

Also obviously, we have Isak sincerely trying to get beer for the guys. He’s not unexcited by this party etc tonight; he actually wants to go and is making a goodwill effort to get the beer. Eskild is a no go, but that doesn’t stop Isak from trying. He’s genuine here. As a side note, the boys should probably have planned ahead here. They’re not old enough to get beer themselves so it’s presumably not the easiest task and they’re giving themselves only a couple of hours. On the other hand, that’s fairly typical teen behavior really. Decide in the moment what you want to do, and then try to make it happen.

Then we have that perfectly awkward meeting on the tram. Imagine how joyous Even must be right then. He’s just standing here minding his own business and then the object of his affections turns up in his tram! It’s a sign! Fate, or something! Unfortunately, this guy is so engrossed in his phone that he hasn’t even noticed Even at all. The resulting conversation is so deeply, painfully awkward to watch but it tells us so much about each of them. Isak is overwhelmed, clearly nervous and has no idea of what to do or say. He looks down and away, he can’t hold eye contact and he’s just a mess. It’s up to Even then, to carry the conversation, which he does though he leaves it in the realms of small talk. Contrast this with his very forward behavior at the kosegruppa meeting. There he had a plan and he set it in motion. Here, it’s out of the blue so he’s winging it. And Even’s winging it is kind of not that great, heh. There are long pauses and Isak pretends to be really interested in his phone, which seems to blunt Even’s approach somewhat. Thankfully, Isak has his inspiration and asks Even to get him some beer. I do wonder how awkward that walk between the tram and the shop and Even’s home must have been. They’re neither of them good at small talk, or at least not when they really care about the person they’re talking to, and this time there’s no weed to help them along the way. At least not yet. Again, thank goodness for Even and his inspiration! He’s not willing to let Isak go now that he has him within conversing distance so he comes up with a plan to take him home with him. My feeling is that this must have taken a little bit of planning between the tram and the shop because he’s so supremely confident again. His ability to walk off as if he doesn’t care at all is useful to him because it intrigues Isak and he’s more than willing to follow. The amount of courage that must take, though: Even has no way to know Isak will follow along yet he does what he thinks will be his best bet at getting Isak alone a little more. Walking off has worked once, so maybe it will work again.

I actually think, given that Even is shown later to be somewhat scattered and not terribly responsible, that it’s possible that he really did forget the ID. I know it’s apparently unusual in Norway to not have it, and it’s entirely plausible that this is 100% made up (Isak certainly looks bewildered by the idea that he might have forgotten it), but it’s also a possible hint towards Even’s issues and his illness. Either way, it gets Isak into Even’s home and they’re instantly more at ease, even Isak. He’s curious, drawn to Even’s walls as he tries to figure this guy out. It all serves, of course, to make him seem even cooler. He has guitars! He draws! He’s funny! Isak’s charmed by it all (and you can see Even’s happiness that Isak seems so into it in his glances towards him as he searches). This all makes it much easier to forget the beers when Even can’t find his ID and instead produces that social lubricant, weed.

The next time we see them, they’ve clearly been talking for a while and they’re a lot more comfortable. Isak’s almost garrulous as he talks about school and what you can get away with. It helps that Even is so very focused on him. How heady that must be for Isak: this very attractive boy seems to want to know Isak as much as Isak wants to know him. He’s still playing up a little of course: he’s the tough guy, the one who skips school and who the principal doesn’t like enough to extend the grace for attendance to 15%. It’s all designed to make Even think he’s cool. He even admits it when they talk music. He has his things he listens to when he wants to feel cool. It’s very close to an admission that there are things he does or says when he wants to feel cool. This is contrasted very nicely with Even’s mention of Nas. He’s almost hesitant when he brings it up; this is something that’s important to him (certainly he has memorabilia surrounding him too, so it’s not just a casual connection with 90s rap). Isak has been trying to act cooler than he really is to impress Even. Even is trying to show some of his vulnerabilities to connect with Isak. They both have the same intention: making a closer connection with the other person, but their approaches are very different. And I think in a lot of ways, the issues they have later arise from this different approach they each have. The nice thing about it is that as soon as Even realizes what Isak is doing (pretending in order to impress) he calls him out on his bullshit, but does it in a way that’s charming and isn’t intended to hurt or belittle Isak. It leads of course into the montage where they both clearly fall deeper for each other. And it’s such a natural move into that moment, allowing Isak to appreciate Even and the way that happened. They laugh easily, they sit quietly together too. It’s all such a huge contrast with the tram that it’s hard to believe this is the same afternoon. Of course, weed has a lot to do with it, but there’s so clearly a natural flow between them. They get on well right from the start.

So it all means that by the time they’re making terrible cheese toasts in the kitchen, they’re very much at ease. They can tease and joke and have fun. Isak is pretty sure that there’s something happening here; enough so that he’s allowing himself to look at Even in a way that he’d have been too scared too before the tram (in fact, that we saw him being too scared to do just a few hours ago). Enough so that he’s confident enough that he can blow off his plans for the evening in the knowledge that he can stay with Even. He also has enough confidence that he can contradict Even with his ‘so bad it’s good’ line. He’s no longer trying too hard to fit in with what Even wants, and is happy enough to be a little more himself by now. Incidentally, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he is not a master liar and manipulator. His lies here are appalling; telling different lies to two sets of people with easy enough ability to contact each other: rookie mistake. I don’t for one second buy that Isak was a clever manipulator of Eva in s1. I think he was an opportunist who didn’t think things through properly and got burned. Much like he does here. Because he’s terrible at this stuff. Even, too, by the way is terrible at lying. He gives Isak a beer, right out in the open and later says he has plenty. Like, Isak could have bought those off him and headed off to his party happily. But since neither of them wants to separate, neither of them brings it up. Beers for the boys are totally forgotten in fact, because it’s far more interesting to stay here with their crush. That both think it’s unrequited at this point is both adorable and frustrating. As is Even’s idea that flirting by talking about male genitalia is cute. Of course, it seems to work on Isak so maybe he’s just got the measure of his man already. Or maybe he’s just lucky that Isak is so readily charmed by him. They eat, they laugh, they have fun together. It’s all very lovely (and Even’s casual ‘yeah I have heard about your rapping’ is the height of understatement; don’t tell me he didn’t do exactly what Isak did and scour the internet for Isak sightings, much more successfully it seems than Isak was with Even sightings), and it’s designed to show again how well they fit together, how much fun they have when they’re alone and unselfconscious. It’s all very very sweet to watch.

Of course, all this bliss is there at least partly to make the thorough destruction of all Isak’s hopes that much worse. His face when Even introduces his friends and Sonja (and then kisses her thoroughly) is heartbreaking. It’s also then that his lies also come home to roost. So, not only does he lose the fantasies he’s been feeling for Even, he’s also caught out by his friends and Emma. The mask he’d been so careful with has been allowed to slip, and just when he thought it was worth doing he finds himself without it right when he’s actually going to need it the most. He can’t hide from the boys and Emma anymore, even though he does try. But I think this is the seed of Jonas figuring everything out; that Isak is willing to blow Emma off suggests he’s not into her and Jonas is smart enough to notice that and be able to put it all together over the next few weeks. It’s also clear that if Isak was thinking properly, he’d probably realize just how significant it is that Even literally forgot all his friends and his girlfriend while with Isak. But as it is, he doesn’t see it, probably because he’s caught up in his own misery, his own jealousy and his own horror that he’d misread the situation so badly. So we end the clip and the episode with Isak feeling completely lost and miserable. It’s not a good way to leave him. He’s in a vulnerable place and it’s difficult to leave him here after having seen him so very happy and relaxed earlier.

Romeo and Juliet connections for clip: Certainly none that are overt. Unless maybe Sonja is meant to parallel Paris a bit the same way Emma has before. Representing the decent, nice person the ‘Juliet’ figure should be with. Neither Paris nor Sonja is a bad person; they’re just not the right person for Juliet and Even. Or not right in these moments. I’ve mentioned before I think that both Isak and Even thinks of themselves as Juliet, and that makes this all stronger now. Juliet makes a decision to move away from the person she’s with and to take a leap of faith on Romeo. A leap that isn’t actually that huge, because Juliet isn’t invested in Paris at all. She feels a duty to him, but no actual love. So, maybe this is a hint that despite Even seemingly engrossed in Sonja here, that she’s not actually the obstacle she appears to be. Even has a duty to her (a 4 year long one), and he clearly feels some compunction around all this. Though not enough for him to stop pursuing Isak until the Sonja thing is properly dealt with. In that respect, it’s fairly similar. Paris is strung along, mostly by Juliet’s parents, but he still thinks he has some call on Juliet and her affections. As does Sonja, with more direct encouragement from the actual person.

Associated extras: There don’t appear to be any. Which is a good thing for the sake of my wordcount, which is already eye wateringly large.

Overall impressions: As with probably the entire fandom I absolutely love this clip. I love how easily and seamlessly it takes us from awkward beginnings to affectionate teasing and casual friendliness. I love that they both seem so into it, that they both cast knowing glances at each other. I love that Isak, for the first time, allows himself to hope. That it ends so sadly for him doesn’t negate the joy that seeps through in every frame of the earlier scenes. It’s a masterful clip and it does its job superbly. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of watching this one.

#skam #my meta stuff #my s3 meta series stuff #my maybe meta Monday stuff

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bwayneedsmorememes · 8 years ago

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Rhode Island Act I

Ok so I told you I practically already had one written! So this musical is based off the music from one of my personal favorite bands The Front Bottoms! If you haven’t heard their music before I suggest you check it out they are really cool. When a song comes up I will write the name for the song and attach the link to a playlist i’ve made on spotify of all the songs. So yay! Before I continue let me say the title could change it’s just the song that 1. starts off the show and 2. is very important is called Rhode Island so that is what I am going with! Plus this is kinda long so I’m sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act I

The show opens and onstage the set is “set” up to look like a rock concert is going on onstage. The lead singer of the band’s name is Mike Stewart (remember him he is the main character). Basically, while he’s onstage he opens the show by giving a monologue about how this night is very important because 5 years ago that very day he was at a Christmas Party with his best friends. That party was very important because it started an era of his life that still affects him to that day. He also says in that speech, that he wrote a song for these friends and what he feels about them and that this very concert is the first night anyone is going to hear that song. During his performance of this song a freeze frame of that before mentioned party appears and when each character is mentioned in the song a spotlight flashes on them. For example the characters are Zach Jenson, Corinne Mckenna, Amora Koi, and Tiffany “Tiff” Hankins. When the “bike trip from Rhode Island” line is sang a spotlight appears on Zach, when “Amora cut her hair...” line is sang a spotlight appears on Amora (yet her hair is still long since at the time of this party he hasn’t left yet), when the “Casanova just can’t turn the charm on” line is sang a spotline appears on Tiff, when the “in the frame” and “catch her breath” lines are sang a spotlight appears on Corinne, and lastly when the “Everything your feeling is common” line is sang a spotlight shines on the actor who plays younger Mike. During the song, the concert scene is melting away, even though older Mike is the one singing, until the main focus and attention is on the party flashback/freeze frame {Btw here is the link to the playlist with all the songs.The names of the songs will be put in braces like this, so here is Rhode Island: https://open.spotify.com/user/bwayneedsmorememes/playlist/3AtrqpEmyAOVlnjTGrENUO } . Then the scene unfreezes and the whole rest of the show is played out as if it is a large flashback. The scene is a very lively party with main focus point on the friend group in the middle. One of the characters (most likely Corinne) is in a somewhat bad mood, so the character Zach takes it upon himself to cheer her up by telling her to let loose and also telling her about stupid decisions he has made in the past. (Zach’s character comes off as a little bit insane, imagine him as a cross between Rich from Be More Chill and JD from Heathers) But this scene is basically them partying. {The Beers} Throughout the night they are all getting pretty drunk until the two characters, Mike and Corinne, who have been shown to not like each other very much (but they have the same friends so they are forced to hang out) are hanging out together. They are both very drunk but it is very awkward between the two of them and the audience can sense the tension. But after bringing it up they both have a conversation about how awkward it is but they use a lot of metaphors since, like I said, they are very drunk. {Awkward Conversations } The party scene ends and the set changes to somewhere on a college campus (oh yeah btw this whole show takes place on a college) where Tiff and Mike are hanging out. Tiff admits to liking Mike but Mike turns her down saying that it’s just a phase and that he can’t handle being in a relationship at the moment. {HELP } The next part is shown in Corinne’s pov. She basically has a soliloquy talking to the audience about what she plans on doing with her life and about traveling the world and stuff. In the song it explains that she plans on leaving soon but in reality she is doubting whether she can do it or not and is just waiting until college is over. [Maps} Towards the end of the song Mike comes in as if he heard what she was saying and they get in a fight over her leaving. He says that if she leaves their whole friend group would fall apart and she storms off. The next scene takes place later that day when Corinne, Amora, and Tiff are hanging out at a bar. They are describing their plans on what they are going to do when college ends. Zach comes in and the girls ask him about his plans he says he’s not quite sure but lists off some of his ideas. During the song he points out other people at the bar when they are mentioned in the song. {Tighten Up } The next couple scenes are just montages of time passing. The group hanging out as friends, fights between Corinne and Mike, and Tiff slowly convincing Mike to date her. It is also shown that Corinne and Mike’s arguments are turning into jokes rather then actual fights and you can kinda see feelings starting to develop between the two of them. This all takes place during the song (Tighten Up). During one of said arguments between Mike and Corinne, Mike admits that he will probably never like Tiff the way she likes him, but you can tell he is starting to grow tired of ignoring her advancements so he finally gives in to Tiff and says he will date her. When Corinne finds out about this she gets confused, angry, and jealous but she doesn’t know why, so she starts to ignore Mike. This gets Mike very frustrated because although he claims he hates her, he enjoys arguing with her and he doesn’t like that it went away. At another party scene the friend group, excluding Corinne, convince Mike to go onstage and sing a song for them (knowing of course that his dream is to be a musician). In this song he gets out all of his drunken frustrations towards the whole Corinne situation. {Legit Tattoo Gun } After he is done performing Corinne, knowing it was about her, confronts him. After a large argument about it Mike confesses that he likes her. Corinne, obviously not expecting this, still doesn’t want to admit her feelings says that she still hates him and she runs off. This next song is sang as a duet split stage (because they are in two different locations) and it is them both saying that they don’t care what the other thinks although they finally admit they do {The Plan } Mike getting angry and being very drunk storms off and drives home. Since he is very drunk and angry he, as a result, gets into a car crash.

End of Act I

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah I know that was very long but I really wanted to put this idea somewhere. I don’t expect very many people to even read all of that (or any really) but if you did and are mad at me at putting that twist/ cliff hanger at the end just know that I am very sorry and that I already have Act II planned out I just didn’t want to post it all at once. So yeah I hope you enjoyed it and look out for Act II.

P.S. I know some of the songs don’t fit perfectly but I tried my hardest to make it work. Plus, the whole idea I got for Corinne and Mike’s relationship was from a Hp fanfic I read called Getting it Right about Rose and Scorpius, so if their relationships seem a lot alike that is why. If you want to read that story, the link is right here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4493053/1/Getting-it-Right Also, if some of the links don’t work then just tell me, I’m sorry if the link situation is confusing!

Thanks for reading! :)

#musicals #thefrontbottoms #tfb #jukebox #broadway #ideas #spotify

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glenngaylord · 6 years ago

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YAAAAAAS QUEEN! - My Review of BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (4 Stars)

Sometimes a movie works despite itself. Although it may contain a paint-by-numbers structure, an underlying emotional current works on the viewer who surrender to its undeniable pull. Such is BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, the Queen biopic, which has many critics sharpening their knives while audiences have clearly embraced it to create a worldwide sensation. I loved every minute of this film when I wasn’t crying my eyes out. It’s a powerhouse.

I discovered Queen as a child when their first hit single, “Killer Queen” busted out with its effete lyrics, bouncy pop rhythms, overlapped background vocals and the effeminate singing of Freddy Mercury to create what I still think is a pop masterpiece. I’d never heard a song before which dared to use multi-syllabic words like “fastidious and precise”. Like Bowie and later, The B52s, Queen spoke to the freaks and geeks of the world, the loners, the outcasts, and the sexually fluid. Queen dared to carve their own path, and as such, I find them singular and legendary.

MR. ROBOT’S Rami Malek plays Freddie, who we meet as he prepares to go onstage at Live Aid, the 1985 internationally televised fundraising concert which cemented Madonna’s stardom and reaffirmed Queen, who had been in a slump, as the “champions of the world”. Then the movie jumps back in time to find Freddy as a young Heathrow baggage handler whose racist co-workers label him “Paki”. With his extra incisors and dead end job, Freddy runs out from his family one night to hear a band play at a local club. It’s here he meets two of his future bandmates, guitarist Brian May (Gwilym Lee) and drummer Roger Taylor (Ben Hardy), and despite his unusual looks, sings a few bars for them and worms his way into becoming their new lead singer. Eventually they pick up bassist John Deacon (JURASSIC PARK’s Joseph Mazzello all grown up and doing a great job with every bemused expression) and form Queen. Although the rest of the band is thinly sketched out, the resemblance to the real band is uncanny and they all have their little shining moments.

Freddy falls for Mary Austin (Lucy Boynton), who he meets backstage that first night, and they have a complicated relationship as we see Freddy struggling with his sexuality while Mary struggles with being in love with a gay man. It’s touchingly presented and goes a long way to seeing Freddy’s generous spirit. He’s also a bit of a narcissistic ass at times, but isn’t that what we all wanted out of him? Ultimately, however, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY tells the story of a very lonely man who found his confidence by believing in his own genius and how to achieve unimaginable success with Queen.

Their story as a band resembles so many VH-1 Behind The Music specials, filled with music montages, drug use, fights - the usual rise and fall and rise again story. While energetically directed by Bryan Singer, who was famously fired from the film late in the game and replaced by an uncredited Dexter Fletcher, who has helmed the new Elton John biopic ROCKET MAN, the real meat here is in the performances and in the subtext of Anthony McCarten’s (THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING, DARKEST HOUR) screenplay. The connection I had to this film formulated in such small moments as when Freddy sits at the piano to find the chords for the title song, surprising even himself with its beauty. There’s also a fantastic sequence in which we see how the song got recorded. This creative spark and Freddy’s unflinching ambition and demand to peacock like the great diva he was, feels like an impossible victory for this strange, strange man. Malek is just great in the role, clearly understanding the necessity of Freddy’s performative nature in order to break out of his own shell. It’s as if the “Freddy” persona was more him than the depressed real guy he found himself to be in those “in between moments”.

Queen didn’t want to be good. They wanted to be great. You feel it in this film and are right there with them when they marvel at a giant foreign crowd singing the lyrics to “Love Of My Life”. Again, it brought me to tears, much in the same way Lady Gaga did when she finishes her big “Star Is Born” number and guilelessly laughs at the size of the audience. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY is at its best during these moments where the band feels its audience. Nowhere is that more apparent than in the phenomenal LIVE AID performance which ends the film. Each band member looks out at the crowd, and you can just feel the energy as the crowd claps and undulates at Freddy’s swirling, prancing command. It was indelible when it happened in real life, and is even more so in this film.

The film is also filled with some fun details. Witness the cut to the rooster as we hear the first “Galileo” sung by Roger Taylor in the recording studio. Mike Myers serves as his own in-joke as the record executive who didn’t want to release “Bohemian Rhapsody” as a single. It was too long and weird and “no one is going to be head-banging in the car to [it]”. It’s a groaner of a line, but undeniably funny as a meta-WAYNE’S WORLD joke. Malek also has tons of cheeky one-liners with my favorite being his retort to his irate drummer, “Roger, there’s only room in this band for one hysterical queen”. I also loved his quick assessment of Mary’s new boyfriend, the way “We Will Rock You” came together, and the behind-the-scenes look at the filming of the “I Want To Break Free” video, which remains one of my favorites of all time.

The movie also achieves a certain amount of pathos when Mercury’s AIDS diagnosis takes center stage. I loved the small exchange between Freddy as he walks down a hospital hall to encounter a young man with AIDS, covered in Kaposi’s Sarcoma lesions. The patient sings Freddy’s signature “Day-Oh” to him, uniting a fan with his idol and forming an instant fleeting bond between AIDS patient and AIDS patient. That he died so young, denying the world of more great music, is such a terrible tragedy. Just a few years after his death, AIDS drugs came along which would change the entire landscape. I often wonder what kind of music Freddy would be making now. I think he’d really dig Mika, Adam Lambert, Panic At The Disco and Troye Sivan, all of whom have Freddy to thank for paving the way for their brand of confident, gender-bending fabulousness.

Yes, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY serves as a tribute to a great band, but even more so, it’s a giant roar for believing in yourself no matter how much of an inconsequential little nothing the world has labelled you. It’s in this that the film finds its giant tug of unbridled emotion. Freddy said it best when he sang, “You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all.” This movie serves as our way of saying “Thank you” back. When they discuss performing at Wembley Stadium for LIVE AID, Freddy talks of busting through the ceiling. When Deacon reminds him that Wembley has no ceiling, Freddy says they’ll “punch a hole in the sky” instead. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY gloriously shows a group of somewhat nerdy musicians who refused to be “normal”, making this imperfect biopic a perfect clarion call for everyone out there who refuses to be “normal” too.

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ralphmorgan-blog1 · 8 years ago

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Oscars mix politics, silliness and shocking twist ending

(CNN)For an Oscars expected to be awash in politics, an upset finish felt somewhat appropriate. Yet the bizarre mix-up that capped off the Academy Awards -- with "La La Land" being announced as best picture, before it was revealed that "Moonlight" actually won -- was one for the ages.

Historians will chew over the snafu, as well as how all the conventional wisdom about "La La Land's" march to victory turned out to be wrong. If President Trump wanted to claim a small victory from an evening that saw plenty of jokes at his expense, it's another jarring reminder that agreed-upon media narratives don't always pan out as planned.

Those anticipating a sweeping tide of political speeches needn't have worried, at least for the first 90 minutes or so. After that, the centerpiece of an awards season punctuated by politics repeatedly addressed the current moment, albeit mostly in sporadic flashes.

Part of that had to do with the evening's structure, as well as its host, Jimmy Kimmel. ABC was playing it safe and promoting its own late-night star, but in hindsight, Kimmel proved a helpful choice given the polarized climate. He brought a light touch to his satire -- acknowledging partisan division and poking at Trump without seeming mean-spirited -- and an overall silliness to the proceedings.

That peaked and was indeed encapsulated by a clever stunt that -- like the show itself, almost inevitably -- dragged on too long, as the producers surprised a group of tourists, bringing them into the theater to rub elbows with the stars.

Kimmel's most amusing gag might have been the tribute in his opening monologue to Meryl Streep, who Trump dubbed "overrated" after her Golden Globes speech. Kimmel had Streep rise for a standing ovation, recognizing the 20 nominations she has amassed by "phoning it in" over the years.

Beyond that, the Academy Awards provided the usual mixed bag, yielding several fun and emotional moments -- much of which is likely to be erased in people's memories by the peculiar finish.

Notably, the awards frequently celebrated the increasingly global nature of entertainment, and stars from outside the U.S. delivered some of the most pointed political rejoinders.

The highlight was Iran's "The Salesman" winning foreign-language film, despite (or perhaps in part because of) the decision by its director, Asghar Farhadi, to boycott the awards as a protest against the Trump administration's travel ban. In a statement read during the telecast, he called the policy "inhumane."

Gael Garcia Bernal deviated from his presenting duties to decry Trump's plans to build a wall along the U.S.' southern border, saying that as a Mexican, "I am against any kind of wall that wants to separate us."

Similarly, Mark Rylance offered an understated comment about the need for "opposing without hatred." For his part, Kimmel wryly noted that the show was being watched in the U.S., as well as "more than 225 countries that now hate us."

It was not, as some might have expected, the denunciation of Trump that has occurred in other showcases. Yet in their totality the acceptance speeches reflected Hollywood's progressive tilt. Even the makers of the animated "Zootopia" pointed to its message being a plea for tolerance over "fear of the other."

The second half saw "La La Land" gradually begin piling up wins in its presumptive march toward best picture, which only made the final twist more shocking. Until then, most major categories had largely followed the script.

Like most Academy Awards, this one sought to celebrate the industry's past while embracing its present. Bringing younger stars together with older ones who had inspired them, and teeing up acting categories with montages of past winners, reinforced that aspect.

Although the producers had talked about rigidly imposing time constraints, the night dragged on, running well over 3 hours. Given that, it would have been advisable to devote less time to the most overdone gag, Kimmel's faux feud with Matt Damon, and skip an Oscar edition of his late-night feature "Mean tweets."

The memorable moments ranged from an appearance by 98-year-old Katherine Johnson -- the NASA scientist whose story is at the heart of the movie "Hidden Figures" -- to 16-year-old Auli'i Cravalho letting out a sigh after belting out the nominated song from "Moana."

As is so often the case with the Oscars, it was that sort of evening -- with a step back for every step forward -- all leading up to one giant pratfall.

Kimmel kept Trump in the conversation throughout the evening, which included joking about him criticizing the show, tweeting, "Hey @realDonaldTrump u up?"

Whether or not the president actually tuned in, the awards contained enough highs to be worth staying up late, if only to see the latest ending that, in its details, nobody could have predicted.

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m-green-writing · 8 years ago

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My 2016 in Films

I should really get a film blog for this, but seeing as I don’t have one, and I already have way too many blogs going, this list is going here. Enjoy. Or not. Either or.

Creed ****

I’ve never seen a Rocky movie. In fact, “fighting” or sports movies in general I just have no interest in. I’ve seen a few and I’ve liked them but the genre itself hasn’t really grabbed me. With that said, I really enjoyed Creed. Knowing nothing about Rocky I was worried that I would be left behind with a lot of what was going on, but luckily the movie does its best to welcome newcomers as well as long time fans. In essence this is a passing of the torch movie, and it works incredibly well. Michael B. Jordan is incredibly likeable and Stallone, whilst still not amazing at drama, can certainly bring the emotion when it’s needed. If I had one drawback is that the film felt a little unfocused at times, with a collection of scenes all fighting to be shown. Ultimately it doesn’t affect the end result. The end fight is also a great finale, and in general, the strongest parts of the movie are the boxing scenes themselves. Definitely give it a whirl if you’re even slightly interested.

In the Heart of the Sea ****

Earning a lot of controversy with its subject matter (i.e. whaling), In the Heart of the Sea wasn’t resonating with audiences enough to convince them to go and see it. But they should. The whaling aspect is present throughout, yes, but it never tries to justify it and really the main focus is on the people; namely the captain, played by Benjamin Walker, and the frustrated first mate, played by Chris Hemsworth. This is also a very human story, detailing just what people will do not only to survive but also to thrive. It isn’t without problems sadly. The CGI is incredibly noticeable and distracting, and its story telling is a little jagged at times. For example, I felt it wasn’t clear that it was being told from the cabin boy’s perspective until about half way through; then again, that could just be me. All in all the movie is engaging and darkly entertaining. The scenes involving the illusive “White Whale” are some of the best sea-fairing moments I’ve seen on film, obvious CGI and all, and if you were to take anything home with from the film, you should take the raw humanity shown.

The Revenant ***

Why is it that Oscar-bait movies these days are so overrated. I mean, the Revenant isn’t a bad movie per se - it’s got a strong cast, a straightforward story, and a very ambitious director - it’s just generally a slog. The CGI is criminally visible half the time, making it difficult to get immersed in the wild-life scenes, and most of the dialogue is mumbled. Honestly this could have been a silent movie. The only-natural-light approach also doesn’t serve the story well, which can lead to overly dark moments. Leonardo DiCaprio took the oscar for best actor for this role, and, not to say it’s undeserved, but he has done better roles than this. In fact, he should have earned his Oscar for one of them, not here. It’s a good performance; it’s visceral and there’s a hell of a lot of effort going in, but it also feels pretty empty, like there’s not much depth outside of whispering and grunting. Generally, it’s about an hour too long, and has way too many slow moments, but it’s OK enough. I just didn’t realise OK was Oscar worthy.

Spotlight ****

Why is it that every other story that comes out of Hollywood is “based on true events”? Half the time the events are heavily dramatised to appeal on the big screen. Even so, thankfully, amidst the fluff of over-embellished narratives, there a few diamonds shining through. Spotlight is one such diamond. Detailing out the investigative journalism of the catholic paedophilia scandal at the turn of the century, the film (if you’ll excuse the term) spotlights the people who uncovered it all. Everyone pretty much knows about the controversy, so it’s good to see what happened behind the scenes. In terms of narrative it’s actually quite slow, but the performances keep you well and truly invested in what’s going on. Every high, every low, and every set back holds your interest firmly. There’s no getting around it; the subject matter is quite disturbing and many people may not be too comfortable discussing it, but that doesn’t stop Spotlight being an uplifting story about facing corruption and winning.

Dad's Army **

Despite not really being this film’s target audience (that would be people that grew up with the show) I was quite looking forward to this flick. The trailer looked to be pretty funny, and the casting seemed like a sure fit. Sadly, the film just didn’t deliver. The word that comes to mind is predictable. After the basic premise has been given to you, you know how this film is going to go. Misunderstandings are telegraphed, jokes outstay their welcome more often than not, and generally the whole movie just doesn’t feel like it belongs. Like I say though, the cast is great and everyone brings their best. None more-so than the scene stealing Michael Gambon as Private Godfrey, who is both riotously funny and incredibly sincere - to both the characters and the source material. The humour isn’t that bad either really. There are more misses than hits, mind you, but the ones that land really get some genuine belly-laughs out of the crowd. There’s also a good mix. There’s slapstick, wordplay, some great writing, some equally great delivery; all of it does come together, but not often enough. It’s a shame this film is more a collection of highlights than it is an actual movie.

Concussion ***

Yet another “based on true events” tale, Concussion goes into the groundbreaking work of Dr Bennet Omalu, as he uncovers the adverse effects of professional football. On paper it’s a fairly engaging idea, but in execution I feel it misses its mark somewhat. Will Smith in the lead is a great move and most of the supporting cast do their best, but generally you feel as if the whole movie is lacking in substance. You start to wonder if this movie would have been suited to a documentary rather than a movie. A few too many dull moments drag the pacing down, and with ultimately no real build up, the film feels rather empty. It just keeps rolling along, going from scene to scene until it ends. Apologies for the spoiler but there’s also no real resolution at the end either, no grand victory, just a slight change to an already corrupted rule book. Hardly the best note to close on. Even if it is being faithful to the truth, perhaps it would have been better left un-filmed. For what it’s worth, it’s not a terrible movie. It’s entertaining enough and Will Smith is charming pretty much 100% of the time so it’s not a complete waste. It’s just trying to tell a story that is either unfinished or not there at all.

Hail, Caeser **

Hail, Caeser is a film that’s got all the critics in a tizzy. “It’s the Coen Brothers, they can’t make a bad movie” and “It’s a love letter to the art of cinema, you must be heartless not to fall for its charm” rung out in almost every review I read. The above statements are correct: this movie is made by the Coen brothers - filmmakers with both a strong writing history and a strong directorial history - and this film is a love letter to the industry’s past. Do not think, though, that it is a good film. Hail, Caeser has the star-studded cast, and the writing to make it a great movie, but this film has such a monumental structure deficiency that what we end up with is a movie with no sense of pace or plot. The story, which you’d think should take centre stage at all times, is actually constantly on the back seat to arguably pointless scenes. These scenes are there to “show” what the business was like “back in the day”, but they add nothing and go nowhere. Some even go on for an absurd amount of time, feeling more like filler in an already full movie. They are more distractions than anything else. It’s like trying to read a book at a pub quiz; you’re just not allowed to follow the story. Furthermore, you realise by the end of the movie that this star-studded cast, this billing of absolute talent, is barely used. Scarlett Johansson is in a grand total of 2 scenes. Channing Tatum, 2 scenes. Jonah Hill, who is on the bloody poster, features in 1 scene. 1 scene! And it’s the scene in the trailer. Why bring him on board at all? Was he just out and about and you snatched him on his day off? Did you have just a huge casting budget and you just had to spend it all? None of it contributes anything. As a love letter to the golden years of the silver screen, the film succeeds, but as a movie, as a story, as a narrative, it fails on all fronts.

Deadpool ****

In an era where adult satire means juvenile humour, I was nervous about seeing Deadpool. The concept was there, and Ryan Reynolds was born to play the role, but I was worried the comedy would be a little below my tastes. Thankfully, this dressing down of super hero movies, and action movies in general, is a hilarious and fun experience. Yes, there are a few too many crude jokes, and the humour is a little childish sometimes, but Ryan Reynolds sells this character and then some. His charisma alone is enough to make this movie good. Add to that some brilliant meta humour and blink-and-you’ll-miss-them references to other properties and you’ve got something truly unique in its field. Deadpool is perfectly satisfying; it doesn’t outstay its welcome and it knows where to take the audience. It feels quite short, which is refreshing when most action movies feel incredibly drawn out, and it also has a small but meaningful story. You can tell the team behind this put in maximum effort.

Zootropolis *****

I really like the direction Disney have been going recently. They could just churn out any old colour splashed montage to keep kids entertained, but seeing them use their position and talent to tell not only thought-provoking, but also progressive stories gives me hope for the future generations. Zootropolis (Zootopia to everywhere else outside the UK) is just the latest example. Where to even start? You wouldn’t think a movie about anthropomorphic animals would have a lot of depth but it surprisingly does. It tackles huge adult issues like race and prejudice, as well as going into sexism and misogyny, all while maintaining a family atmosphere. Some of its writing does get a little heavy handed sometimes - what with the main character Judy having her parents tell her to give up on her dreams - and some of the jokes don’t have the energy to take off like the rest of them, but for the most part the movie is tightly written, tightly acted, and generally well thought out. Everyone can relate to the dilemmas in this movie, and the best part is the film seems focused on building bridges between factions than it does painting divisions. It wants to make something out of the grey areas, and frankly I think it achieves this with flying colours. Zootropolis is quite possibly the best movie I’ve seen this year.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ***

DC need an intervention. I felt this even before I saw the movie, but now I’m only more convinced. To be fair this movie starts off and it’s not too bad. I think that’s what made the following hour and a half so hard; this film had potential - in spite of my assumptions. Everything starts falling apart the moment they try and allude to future films, stories, and spin-offs. Once that starts happening, the cracks in this film’s facade only become more and more apparent. Needless and overdone dream sequences used as narrative devices, absolutely no coherent sense of structure or causality, and zero effort to capture the essences of the film’s main stars. Both characters preach a moral high ground, yet neither of them have one. And these aren’t character flaws being shown to the audience, these are genuine arguments presented as if we the viewers should agree with a certain side. Batman for a start kills. Whether with a gun or a knife, or just with his own hands, he murders people. This is so out of character that it doesn’t make any sense, no matter how the film tries to - poorly - explain it. Then there’s Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luther, who is painful to watch. Even if you take it as writ and aren’t a fan of the source material, his performance is so bad that it alone had the power to sink this film. There are some good qualities. The music is possibly the best thing about it, and the casting - Eisenberg aside - is actually pretty perfect. Ben Affleck is probably the best on-screen Batman, it’s just a shame that he’s written so far off base. Overall, it’s just entertaining enough to scrape an average score. There are some good scenes sprinkled about, and the actors do put in a lot of effort. If only DC and Warner Brothers knew what they were doing; this could have been great.

Eddie the Eagle ****

Oh look, another movie “based on true events”. Luckily this is one of the better ones - even if it does embellish a lot. For example, Hugh Jackman’s fallen-from-grace coach is entirely fictitious, and is rather a culmination of all the real Eddie the Eagle’s mentors. Furthermore, for the sake of storytelling, the alignments are very black and white; there’s not a lot of grey going on here. In the wrong hands this would have worked against the movie. Thankfully, it works out great. Taron Egerton as the titular lead is extraordinarily likeable and relateable and both the writing and performances are on point. when this movie wants to be dramatic it pulls it off, when it wants to be funny and whimsical it pulls that off too. At the end of the day it’s not going to be breaking any ground, and it’s hardily original or unique, but it’s a brilliant feel-good film for anyone of any age. Give it watch if you ever get chance.

Midnight Special **

Midnight special is an odd one. It raised a lot of eye-brows for many critics, and earned a lot of praise for its high ambition with a low budget; but honestly I can’t see it as anything but a sub-par sci-fi flick. The mystery and the intrigue is undermined by the movie’s inability to pace or explain, and a lot of the performances here feel a little stagnant. Also, as much as the film tries to paint itself as a sci-fi, with call backs to genre greats like Close Encounters, it has an insane amount of Religious overtones. This movie paints the main child as a somewhat messiah figure, which would be fine, but it doesn’t fit well with the science fiction element they’re also running with. Is he an alien? Is he a messiah? What are the extent of his powers and why does he have them? The movie makes its audience ask these questions and more, and it seems to enjoy watching their viewers writhe in confusion and frustration when nothing is explained. It’s a story with build up but no pay off. A joke with no punchline. What’s more, while I’m not saying a movie has to have money behind it to be good, the low budget aspect really doesn’t help in some scenes. There’s a moment where Michael Shannon and his son are in the woods at night, and you can’t see anything. It was just black with hints of grey. Altogether, the movie is harmless enough, but it’s too boring and too obtuse to warrant any real praise.

The Jungle book ***

The latest in Disney’s line of “Real Reboots”, the jungle book takes the classic story and brings it to life with “live action”. I put quotation marks there because it’s not really live action, is it? Half the sets aren’t real, and naturally every animal is CG. It’s only slightly less cartoony than the original. Right away, you’re first criticism is a valid one: “Why even bother?” It’s true. It seems ultimately pointless to reboot this movie. The Jungle book isn’t Disney’s strongest properties, and although it’s a classic, not a lot of people would say it’s their favourite. So why remake it at all. Sadly I don’t have an answer, but taking the movie for what it is, it’s actually pretty all right. I can’t hate this movie too much as I can tell a lot of effort went into it. The casting is decent enough, though for every Idris Elba as Shere Khan there’s a Christopher Walken as King Louie. Speaking of, a lot of things have been changed from the original - King Louie now being almost sociopathic in his pursuit of fire for instance. “Well maybe this is this film’s attempt to be different from the original?” You may say; but then why do they keep some of the songs - arguably the most iconic thing from the 1960s version. In a way they keep all the songs, but some are saved for the credits, which makes you wonder if this movie was undergoing an identity crisis during production. Ultimately, it’s not a terrible film. It’s got some highlights worth watching, it’s just not going to take many awards home. Then again, does a movie have to do that to be good?

Captain America Civil War ****

I like all comic books. DC, Marvel, so long as it’s done right, I don’t mind. So when you ask me, am I team DC or team Marvel, I’m team Comic Books. Y’see Marvel are doing a better job because they’ve got the right people behind the scenes pulling the strings. DC are struggling, not because no one likes Super-man, or that people are all Marvel fanboys, but because DC have decided to surrender all control of their properties to Warner Brothers. All these IPs are money spinners to these companies, but the heads at Marvel and Disney know that a money spinner is only useful so long as it’s faithful to the fans, and good for everyone else. Take Captain America Civil War, which is probably the most ambitious comic book movie ever put to film. Over ten on screen heroes, each with their own presence and each bringing layers of potential to the show, as well as trying to weave in a coherent plot that ties it all together. The action here truly has never been done before, or at the very least not to this scale. The performances again are great; these characters are always fun to watch, and it poses some pretty interesting arguments, leading to genuine dialogue. It’s not perfect however. The villain is quite weak, despite having a strong presence in Marvel’s history, and sometimes the conflict between Iron man and Captain America feels forced. A better set up or more consistent character arcs over the last few movies would have improved things. They do try to explain the influxes in character motivations, but they do feel a little thin all the same. As an adaptation, it fails also, but to be fair, if you’ve read Civil War, you’d know a film to match its magnitude is simply not possible. Despite the downsides though, this film is highly enjoyable from start to finish. Pacing is spot on, and the writing is well done; not to mention how seamless the action scenes can be, especially when they could easily be chaotic. Another great string in Marvel’s bow. Not really sure about Martin Freeman’s american accent though.

X-Men: Apocalypse ****

Oh god, the X-Men movie franchise has had a rough ride, hasn’t it? It started strong, then quickly lost its way, then fell even further, before rising up and being moderately good again. The continuity in these movies has always been awful, and whilst Days of Future Past pretty much retconned everything after X-Men 2, Apocalypse brings the series plot holes back in force. The continuity deficiency is terminal with this franchise it seems. But, thankfully, if you just take Apocalypse as a stand alone movie and ignore everything set before and after it, it’s actually rather good. The effects are great, the story is interesting, and the villain is genuinely intimidating - even if he does look horrible when compared to the source material. The writing isn’t so tight sadly, and most of the movie is more just a collection of scenes than anything else, but even so, if you somewhat switch your brain off, its incredibly enjoyable to watch. I think the X-Men series has run its course though now. Reboot it or leave it be, take your pick; but please just put the continuity out of its god damn misery!

Warcraft ***

I’m putting this here first: I have not played the game. Nor will I, nor has this film made me want to. Warcraft as a video game just doesn’t resonate with me. That said, I’m always up for a fantasy lore-fest whenever one rolls into town, so I went into this oddly enthusiastic. And it’s OK. It’s not really a bad movie, though there are plenty of areas that could be stronger, and it’s just not got the strength to match the gravitas of, let’s say, Lord of the Rings, but its decent enough. Easily one of the movie’s biggest problems is the CGI. If they were trying to make this film look like a video game, they succeeded. It’s like I’m watching a 2 hour long cutscene. Nothing is real, and even the actors themselves don’t look like they’re there half the time. In contrast, the CGI backgrounds are jaw-dropping. The environments excel in both imagination and scope. They’re genuinely impressive. The cast here seems, for lack of a better word, cheap. Not saying the actors are terrible, far from it, they do a really good job, but Ben Foster just doesn’t look like a wise and experienced wizard to me. And Dominic Cooper just looks too young to be the king of the land. It’s not so much miscasting as it is mismatching. Furthermore the lead in this movie has a strong accent that sometimes doesn’t fit with the film’s surroundings. The plot is intriguing at first but it gets convoluted towards the end, with motives and other key plot points being lost along the way. Furthermore there are a few too many scenes that don’t pan out well. Even with this in mind, I don’t think it’s all bad. I wouldn’t say it’s the next fantasy franchise to look out for though.

Independence Day Resurgence **

The trailers to Independence Day Resurgence were silly. And that was fine. Because as well as being silly there was a vibe that it was also incredibly self-aware. This movie knew how dumb it was and it was going to go with it. Turns out I was wrong to assume that. This film is just a giant 2 hour shrug. The story, while intriguing at first, soon gets uninteresting as you realise the film-makers aren’t interested in pushing the boundaries of imagination. Within 15 minutes everything becomes irritatingly bland. The characters - both old and new - are bland, the plot is bland, and the effects are bland. 90% of this movie is computer generated, and it’s so jarring to watch with real actors around it. Roland Emmerich the director said back in 1996 that he preferred practical effects to CGI; that’s one of the reasons why, in spite of its problems, the original film is still beloved. He said CGI was too much like a computer game. It seems so bizarre that he would pull a 180 on it as an artist. In the end this movie just lacks so much of what made the original good. The humour - with the exception of one or two moments - is forced, performances are phoned in, and the writing is lazy at best. Even if you didn’t like the original, you had to admit there was a degree of charm to it. None of that is here. It’s not unwatchable, but it’s hardly worth going out of your way to see. Feel free to skip it.

Secret life of pets **

Illumination Entertainment are, in my opinion, more doers than thinkers. They have ideas and run with them immediately, but not every idea they have is a surefire hit. Enter: The Secret Life of Pets. A lot of people have criticised this movie because its plot and dilemmas are similar to Toy Story, and that’s true, but to me this film’s biggest problem is it’s just generic. The characters are generic, the situations are generic, the plot, the structure, the humour, none of it is unique. The animation is nice, and there’s some great imagery sometimes, but on the whole that’s your lot. The celebrity voices add nothing. Kevin Hart’s “villain” is more obnoxious than anything else, and Louie CK’s lead is barely recognisable or charismatic so why bother. Then of course there’s the humour which is so, so done now. “Oh they’re dogs, quick get out the dog jokes EVERY OTHER FILM HAS EVER DONE, EVER. Sniff butts, ha ha it’s hilarious right. Hey look, the small, ‘girly’ dog is actually the most badass pet in the movie, totally out of left-field and never been done before, right?” Even the none pet-related jokes fall face first into concrete. Ultimately, everything is just lazy and uninspired, which is why I raise my earlier point. If the team had sat down, truly thought out an idea, and put together something original, we could have had something with a lot of potential. As it stands, it’s as if the filmmakers sat down, said “toy story with dogs”, and then went to work on animation without a second thought. They phoned in the story, the script, and the performances, and in the end the film is just that: phoned in.

Ghostbusters ****

If it’s not ‘based on true events’, its a remake; Hollywood’s other favourite money-spinner, but of all the remakes to split the world in two, why Ghostbusters? Honestly, the lead up to this film was insane. There were staunch defenders of the original about ready to boycott it, and you had misogynists disguising themselves as “fans” because of the all female cast. But why Ghostbusters? The original is all right, it’s good. Of course it’s a cult classic but it’s not Citizen Kane; pull yourselves together! A lot of this crowd didn’t like being called misogynists for their outbursts, but can you blame us. The only big change to this franchise on the surface is that the cast is all female instead of all male, and you’re getting way, WAY too upset about it. A lot of people trying to explain away their misogyny were also particularly staggering. Actual comments like “There were women in the first movies, why do they have to be the main characters?” and “The men in this are either idiots or arrogant, hardily representative wouldn’t you say?” seem to procreate male privilege; but I digress. Point is the movie is actually good. And no I’m not saying that because I’m scared people will think I’m misogynist. The movie had some genuine laughs from start to finish, and the effects, in my opinion, were a brilliant homage to the original. The characters as well were all immediately likeable. Leslie Jones was particularly great, and half the time Chris Hemsworth’s Kevin steals the show. All in all I really enjoyed it. If you didn’t, that’s fine, just make sure you don’t get all furious about it. It’s just a movie with women in it; steady on.

Star Trek Beyond ****

The Star Trek reboot series has been sort of good and sort of bad at the same time. On the one hand you’ve gotten a great ensemble, and they’re highly entertaining films, whilst on the other, J.J. Abrams. OK, I don’t hate the guy and he’s more than capable of directing, but if his “style” doesn’t annoy you, then his ill-conceived winks and nudges will. When he wasn’t attached to the third movie in the series, and proud Trekkie Simon Pegg was helping to write it, I was sort of glad. Then when I saw it was the director of the Fast and Furious movies taking charge I got worried again. Thankfully though, Star Trek Beyond is a great movie. The story was well put together, the characters are wonderfully played, and, for once, it wasn’t afraid to try and be its own thing and try something new. The “sabotage” scene is particularly note-worthy. There’s your now obligatory Idris Elba role, which turns out to be quite an intimidating villain, and the action is fantastic. There are one or two set-piece scenes that don’t quite work; i.e. fight sequences that are overly long, or just feel empty, but for the most part there’s a lot to keep you hooked. The rules are that every even Star Trek movie is good, whilst every odd is bad; I’m happy to say Beyond breaks the rules.

BFG ***

I feel the work of Roald Dahl should stay in the past. Oh, no, that’s not me saying the stories are done or tired; Dahl’s classic tales will always and forever be timeless. What I mean is, in today’s CGI obsessed world, it can lead a lot of the magic and imagination to, ironically, dissipate. No matter how much motion capture you use, no matter how up to date your software is, once you make a CGI extravaganza, there’s always a disconnect between the audience and the visuals nowadays. It’s a shame really because Spielberg's attempt to cover the unforgettable BFG, is actually rather good otherwise. Mark Roylance as the BFG is wonderfully dopey and charming, and the young starlet they got to play Sophie is brilliant for a British child-actor; they’re usually not great. What lets this movie down is how its again trying to blend the real with the fake by using CGI. That and the fact that it’s a little bumpy, with pacing issues in the middle and a general anti-climax at the end. It all does feel rather bland when you really get down to it though, as if the movie has a heart, and a brain, but is missing a soul. There’s no grand lesson per se, and whilst the book is a fun exploration into the strange, silly, and bizarre, it doesn’t truly translate well into a full-fledged movie. The story on the page turns into more of a collection of scenes on the screen. There are your funny scenes, your tense scenes, and your “Gulliver” type scenes, but all of them feel like snapshots, as opposed to part of a grand tale. So yeah, it’s strengths are incredibly strong, but it does have a few drawbacks. Not a bad movie by any stretch, but one that will nevertheless have you questioning whether a movie was the best thing for it.

Jason Bourne **

The Bourne franchise is exciting and action-packed, but if this latest entry tells us anything, it’s that Jason Bourne - as a character - should stay in his original trilogy. For starters, this movie holds none of the energy or tense pacing of the originals, which leads to a rather drab and dreary end-result. Greengrass does his best but the simple fact is the material he’s been given just isn’t that weighty. The action scenes, whilst fast and constantly moving, just feel soulless and at no point was I ever gripped or held in suspense. The mystery is also rather average. As far as government conspiracies go, this is oddly tame. Add a confusing set-up and a lack of urgency to this, and you’ve got a story beyond difficult to get invested in. There are plenty of locations used but none of them seem to have any bearing or relevance to the story so one wonders why they were even there, and generally a lot this movie’s pacing leads it to be more boring than tense. A lot of it also feels like a “greatest hits” of sorts, with many scenes being almost retreads of the previous films. I can see the effort, and the desire to make something great, but sadly, maybe this is should be the end for Jason Bourne.

Finding Dory ***

Pixar deserve their status as probably the most exalted animation studio out there, but that doesn’t mean they cannot slip up. The Cars movies in particular fail to resonate with most audiences, and The Good Dinosaur last year felt rather bland by the studio’s standards. Most consistently however, whenever Pixar do a sequel, (with the exception of Toy Story) it almost always turns out mediocre. Case in point: Finding Dory. On paper it makes total sense to have the most popular character from the original and develop more of her story, but what we get is a film that lacks the charm and creativity of its predecessor. The characters lack any real vibrancy, and a lot of the humour is just lifted from Finding Nemo. Of course, there are some exceptions, but not enough to balance it out. The story itself tries to have a lot of heart, but it just doesn’t quite have the power to break ground sadly, and sometimes the movie retroactively damages the first film. Most painfully when we learn that Dory’s trademark “just keep swimming” wasn’t a result of her spontaneity, but rather taught to her when she was younger. This ruins an important piece of her character in the first film. She’s supposed to be chaotic, sporadic, and impulsive. She’s the perfect foil to Marlin’s order, fear, and caution; and together they show that one side (be it order or chaos) doesn’t always have the answers. Here, by bringing this in they try to add order where there shouldn’t be any. Generally though, it’s mostly forgivable. There are some stand-out moments - Young Dory is cute beyond measure, and the animation is gorgeous as always. It’s good, but when Pixar is used to exceptional, good just isn’t good enough.

Suicide Squad **

When I first heard Suicide Squad was being made, I was excited. Seeing a collection of DC’s villains on the big screen was bound to be great, right? Then I saw the first promo shot, and it was all downhill from there. First, DC decided to go with some of the most abstract villains under them (Captain boomerang? Really?) but secondly, everything was so drab. What’s with all the grit and grime, why does everything have to be so dark? The movie itself isn’t much better. Rumour has it Warner Brothers panicked after critic reviews of Batman v Superman came out and they re-shot and re-editted Suicide Squad to make up for it. And it shows. This movie just doesn’t know what it wants to be. Add to that a pathetic structure and weak characters, and you’ve got one hell of a poor film. The first half hour of this movie is a mishmash of desperation, trying to appeal to every demographic at once in a bid to win audiences over. The result is an absolute disaster of pacing, music, and edits. Pop songs are used seemingly at random (many have attributed this to DC trying to do what Marvel did with Guardians of the Galaxy) and every character in the “squad” is read out and explained to the audience. Come on, movie - show, don’t tell. This is made worse when further down the line the movie does it again. These are the problems you get when you don’t use your IPs properly, DC. If you had made prior movies showing us these characters and giving them room to breathe, this movie wouldn’t be such a mess. The writing for this movie is one up from awful. Character motivations don’t line up with actions, and later certain details are thrown out or conveniently forgotten for the sake of the plot. And don’t get me started on this film’s “attempt” at humour. Want to know how bad it is? There’s a “delete my internet history” joke in there, because originality is dead. Even when this film supposedly gets into gear during the second act, it’s just bland. Characters don’t interact or show any real rapport with one another, so they’re hardily a squad, and the action is about as basic as you can find. Then of course there’s the elephant in the room; Jared Leto’s woeful performance of the Joker. To be fair it’s a split responsibility. Leto pulls off a mumbly, hipster-like Joker in his performance, capturing nothing of what makes the Joker what he is, but let’s not forget that he was being directed by people who felt the Joker needed the word “damaged” tattooed on his forehead. Jesus wept, this is an abomination of a representation. But, was there anything good? Will Smith and Margot Robbie are easily the most likeable and charming parts of the movie, even if their characters are written like ass; and there are a few stand out scenes that got my attention. But outside of that it’s kind of lame and boring. As a movie, it’s disjointed, lazy, and generally nonsensical; as a comic book film, it’s a terrible representation of its source material. See it if you want, but don’t go out of your way.

Kubo and the Two Strings *****

Good art will never die so long as people are doing it. To some, stop-motion animation has had its day and it’s time to move on to more digital means of film-making, but to Laika it’s one of the most creative and visually interesting means of storytelling. I love Laika’s work in the past, and Kubo continues that trend. Its story is like a classic fairy tale and its imagery is unique and original. I will say that it does take a while to get moving but once the ball gets rolling its a joy to behold. Honestly I struggle to find anything wrong with it. It’s got wide appeal, it’s visually impressive, and it’s well written as well as well structured. What’s not to love. Quite easily one of the best 2016 had to offer.

Hell or High Water ***

Hell or High Water is a last minute movie in that it came out with almost no marketing at all. There was no build up. No posters or trailers in the theatres, only the internet had any idea of what it was. I guess you could make an argument that the movie is a little niche, taking a lot of praise away from the film festivals it showcased at, as well as prompting some early award nominations, but one that ultimately doesn’t resonate with audiences. And I can buy into that. As far as I’m concerned Hell or High Water isn’t the most original film of the year and really its not exactly exceptional, but its still mostly good. It’s main strengths lie in the morals and the characters. Jeff Bridges steals the show easily with his portrayal of an unabashedly politically-incorrect sheriff, and the motives of the main leads are very “robin-hood”. Really it’s a solid and nerve-shredding set up where you want both sides to win with a wild card thrown in for good measure. What drags this movie down though is its pacing. This movie is so slow and overly long. Scenes are drawn out for emphasis and I’m not against that, but sometimes there’s just not enough substance to warrant it. I’m not saying it has to be fast, and hell I know a rushed movie is almost always bad, but far too many times the audience is left watching nothing. From a story-telling perspective it’s distracting and serves only to take you out of what is otherwise a well written and well performed piece.

The Magnificent 7 ****

Another remake of a beloved classic, but one that didn’t carry as much controversy as Ghostbusters. Generally it was met with a lot of shrugs, but I quite enjoyed it. I haven’t seen the original so I don’t know if it’s being faithful or anything, but from what I’ve read up on it, it kind of does its own thing. I mean, sure it’s not got a revolutionary story and it’s a little more than corny, but it’s cool, fun, and damn entertaining. The centrepiece of this film being the 7 themselves, how they interact, and what they bring to the team. These characters aren’t exactly the most in depth of people, even when the movie tries to show them as more than just charismatic gunslingers, it doesn’t seem to invoke much of a reaction, but I’m willing to let that slide just for how riveting everything else is. I left the cinema feeling like a kid after watching this flick; buzzing off the energy and asking my family “who was your favourite?”. It has its highs and lows, bizarrely peaking in the middle with an outstanding shoot out scene that not even the movie’s 20 minute long climax can top, but for the most part it’s one of my personal favourites of this year.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children ***

I’ve been a Tim Burton fan since my teens. I’ve been there for the highs, and I’ve cringed with the lows. Burton’s been on a low streak for a while now, so imagine my excitement when reviews came out calling this film a return to form for him. Sadly, I cannot agree. It’s all right. It’s watchable; but it’s nothing close to Burton at his best. The one defining trope we get is his signature “look”. Angles, colour pallet, and overall design scream Burton, but there’s such a lack of oomph in everything else that I can’t help but feel disappointed. The story is entertaining, though a little (for lack of a better word) uncommitted at times. The film sometimes veers off from the plot to show off peculiarities, instead of weaving them into the plot naturally, and the general performances involved are the acting equivalent of a head shake. Eva Green and Samuel L Jackson aside, no one “acts” in this film. Asa Butterfield, who has done some great work in films like Hugo, brings us easily the most phoned in performance of his life, whilst his supporting cast are equally as uninterested. Even acting giants like Terence Stamp don’t seem to care, and there’s so much miscasting going on around that. Butterfield, who is British born, is playing a Florida-born character despite the film being set in Britain; which is just a stupid, roundabout way of doing things. What’s more, Chris O’Dowd, an Irish actor, is brought in to play his father. To be clear, they add nothing to the roles and they both have to put on accents which are, not bad, but ultimately a lot of needless effort. I fear they were cast because of their price tag as opposed to their acting prowess. One way or another the film is otherwise all right. Imagery is delightfully Burton, with some not-safe-for-kids horror thrown in, and the general imagination is there, but if like me you just can’t see through the lack of effort in some parts, you may not enjoy the 2 hour run time.

Inferno ***

I am a huge fan of interpretation. By this I mean I love seeing how people take an original idea from the pages of history and then do something new with it. It’s just really great seeing something familiar but also fresh at the same time. That being said, not all interpretations are great. Inferno, based on the Dan Brown book, which took inspiration from the irrefutably imaginative Divine Comedy, is a bit of both. There is some really great imagery in this film. I loved seeing hell brought forth, with all its dark, macabre forms in tow, but there’s so little of it that I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. Everything else is rather standard without it. The story is pretty straight forward, the plot twists are kind of forgettable, and the mystery generally uninteresting. Which is odd because we’re talking about the divine comedy here. There are libraries dedicated to dissecting this marvel, and this is all you could scrape out of it? Plus the movie tries to sell an idea and it does its best to be thought-provoking, but it generally misses the mark; possibly because its ideas are oversimplified. Ron Howard gets a bad rap with these movies, but I honestly don’t mind them. Yeah, Angels and Demons was a little dumb, but the Da Vinci Code was engaging. Inferno sits in the middle. It’s not awful, and it is a little entertaining, but its rather lethargic narrative and uncommitted performances don’t help its case.

Doctor Strange ****

The Marvel train keeps on rolling and once again we find ourselves at another obscure IP. Doctor Strange is certainly popular enough to be known to comic book fans, but he’s hardly a household name like Iron-Man or Captain America; so putting him on the big screen is a little bit of a risk. Luckily this isn’t Marvel’s first rodeo and it pays off in droves. Doctor Strange is one of the best movies the studio has put out. Its visuals are epic in every sense of the word, and their constant unpredictability in both scale and scope keeps everything fresh. The story is simple and well focused and the action is unlike most other films of its ilk. The pacing gets a little wobbly from time to time, with Strange’s training in the mystic arts passing by a little bit too fast for my liking, but it doesn’t get in the way and by the end it’s forgivable enough. Benedict Cumberbatch is great in the role, even with his american accent, and pretty much all the supporting cast around him are played brilliantly. Generally, I can’t find too much at fault with it; it’s a great, fun movie experience. All I can say is, I can’t wait to see him again in Thor: Ragnarok.

Storks ***

Storks is a tricky one to talk about but it’s certainly a movie I enjoyed. The main dividing factor here is generational, specifically in a comedy sense. Storks is a movie that I think perfectly understands its audience; that audience being: modern. As a result it doesn’t quite fit the mould of other family movies. Its jokes are a little more abstract, its humour is more in its surrealism, and there is plenty a lot of older generations won’t “get”. Some may call it weird, while others may say it’s all over the place, but that pacing matched with its obscurity is what exemplifies it in my opinion. It could have done the same old jokes of the past over and over again, and viewers worldwide would gobble its inane unoriginality up gladly, but thankfully Storks seems to respect its audience a little more and tries something much more new. That makes it a lot more fresh. At the end of the day it’s not exactly a work of art. It’s hardily the best animated movie of 2016, but it has some of the best comedy in a family film I’ve seen in ages. Performances are great and characters are genuine. Some old-hat jokes sneak in under the radar, while other jokes either fall flat or run on too long, but for the most part I was laughing from start to finish. It’s a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant medium, and whilst it won’t be taking home any awards, it’s certainly a much more entertaining flick than others of its kind.

The Accountant ***

You know, I don’t consider myself a cinema snob, but is it wrong to hope that every film you see does something to stimulate you as an audience member? I say this, because I’ve seen a fair few films in recent years that really don’t have much to bring to the table. Yes, they’re stories, but outside of that there’s nothing. The movie isn’t really saying anything, commenting on anything, or even having a message; it’s just there. Hell, sometimes they make you question what passes for entertainment these days. The Accountant is one of these movies. It’s not bad, but its lack of impact doesn’t do it any favours. You’d think the premise would give you something unique but it doesn’t seem to have the confidence to do anything with it. The main character is an autistic mathematical genius who does finances for mob bosses and other less favourable sorts. That’s the movie’s only “wild card” as it were, and they don’t really do anything with it. A few scenes play out, things happen, drama occurs, and that’s your lot. Like I say, it’s not bad, it’s just not exactly good either. There are some decent things: Affleck gets one or two great scenes, and the resolution at the end is actually rather heartfelt. But there are equally poor things that drag it down. Anna Kendrick, who is a great actor, is miscast in this role as far as I’m concerned, and the film doesn’t half drag from time to time. Altogether it wasn’t a giant waste of my time, but it’s not something I would recommend either. It’s about as middle of the road as you can get.

Arrival ****

Arrival is probably one of the best sci-fi films I’ve seen in years; probably because it actually decides to do something different with an arguably stagnant set up. Aliens, friendly or not, coming to earth is hardly new for the genre, but making an entire plot about sheer communication is. Yep, this is a movie about talking to aliens. It doesn’t sound exciting, but as you watch you start to become more intrigued. For lack of a better word, the concepts they throw at you here are very “alien”. They’re clever ideas we’ve never really explored before but ones that are quite interesting. Having the aliens communicate an entire sentence and all its intent in one image is inspired. To say any more we’d be going into spoilers, but take my word for it, it’s really very good. A little convoluted and hard to wrap your head around at first, I admit, but good all the same. The main drama comes from the human elements; the lack of trust between nations and the panic civilisation faces is what keeps you on the edge of your seat. It’s a little slow at first, and sometimes you feel as if the movie is dragging on, but by the end you’ll come out quite satisfied. It also has a magnificent plot twist. One that, not only comes out of nowhere, but also is wonderfully woven into the story prior. Admittedly some may find its delivery confusing, and many others may find the mumbled dialogue a little bothersome, but on the whole, Arrival is probably one of the best movies of 2016.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them ***

Don’t get me wrong: I like the wizarding world. I’m not enraptured by it all, but I can see the quality when it’s there. With regards to Fantastic Beasts, that quality is mostly missing. For a start this movie is rather bland and slow considering it’s something that should be at the very peak of fantasy story-telling. The CGI is very noticeable, which doesn’t help immersion, and most if not all characters are rather simple and one note. Easily the best character of the film is Dan Fogler’s wonderfully endearing Kowalski, who is both brilliantly played and also hilariously written. Honestly, it would have done the story better to have been told from his point of view. Other problems lie in an overabundance of Deus Ex Machina (something the wizarding world is no stranger to), its indifferent attitude towards explaining new elements of its universe, and also an incredible lack of any real shocks or surprises. It’s a shame how predictable most of this movie is, and worst of all it’s as if that predictability was intended. They don’t even try to keep things a secret. Any “plot twists” that do happen are more inevitable statements than they are shocking revelations, and for the most part the film never really picks up - it seems content in maintaining the same energy throughout rather than building to a big finale. With all that in mind however, the film does have its charms. Simple as the characters may be, they are likeable, and there’s a lot of lore for the fans to sink their teeth into, along with some fun animal interactions. Overall it comes across as a more half baked idea brought to life, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Allied ***

Allied is one of those movies that has a story, but isn’t sure how to tell it. At first you could be forgiven for thinking the film was a romantic, war-time drama, much like Casablanca, but at the movies half way point that genre shifts to a somewhat spy-thriller mystery. Tonally, this makes it feel like two different movies have been slammed into one. On the whole, there isn’t much damage, but it can lead to a lot of elements not really gelling. Character interactions start feeling stale; and general momentum can come to a halt sometimes, leading many heart-pounding scenes to lose some of their edge. Personally, if I could reach in and adjust accordingly, I would have the scenes in Morocco told entirely through flashback, with the main story staying in post-mission London. This would keep the film focused a lot more, and make the whole thing fit together more smoothly. Granted, it would change a few of the intended affects of the story. For example, by showing the two spies on their mission in Morocco first we see their romance bloom which makes the future dilemmas more pertinent. With the flashbacks, we wouldn’t get this result. Truth be told, not that much would be lost as I felt there wasn’t much chemistry between Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard’s characters in the film. A few too many of their intimate scenes felt dry with nothing really connecting them. When all is said and done though we have a fairly decent movie, with a handful of good moments sprinkled here and there. The is-she-isn’t-she dynamic from the second act onward is legitimately well put together, and when it needed to be it was suspenseful enough. It’s not exactly classic material, but it’s entertaining enough.

Sully ***

How odd that a week after seeing Allied, I saw Sully; an arguably better film, but one that suffers from opposite grievances. Tom Hanks is charismatic and plays the role well, and his relationship with his co-pilot is also rather endearing. Being more or less a one man show, most of the surrounding story is in the background to what the character is experiencing in the aftermath of his heroic water landing in the Hudson. But that in itself is one of the film’s main problems. Because the story is more or less playing second fiddle, it leads the narrative to become unstructured. I said Allied would have benefited with a non-linear, flashback based structure, but here we have a film that would have been better without that. Flashbacks come and go whenever Sully is remembering something. This is fine, except these flashbacks can last upwards of 20 minutes sometimes, and some even repeat themselves, leading to many shrugs from the audience. Generally, more often than not, the flashback sequences are jarring to the narrative, and sometimes it really feels like it’s a small story trying to be a big one. This goes doubly so for the writing, which over dramatises certain situations. Most notoriously, any scene involving the air-flight investigators. These people are painted so 2 dimensional, that the film feels unrealistic. And it is, because in reality, these people were just doing their jobs; they were not out to get this man. For the most part it’s forgivable. When it wants to be exciting it can be, and if you’re not familiar with the outcome before going in, you’re genuinely interested in how Sully is going to get out of it. It does get a bit too flag waving at the end though; “God Bless America" and all that, and many of the plot threads literally lead to nothing, making some scenes feel retroactively pointless, but it’s passable.

Moana ****

Moana is a movie that seemed to get more and more interesting to me the closer it got to release. Granted that could have been the Rock hyping it up but where’s your proof? Either way I was pretty psyched to see this. And, it didn’t disappoint. Mostly. The animation is great, bright, and colourful; the characters are incredibly well done - Dwayne Johnson is perfect as Maui, and best of all I almost don’t recognise his voice - and of course the music is phenomenal. Lin-Manuel Miranda is the unseen character in this movie as his songs are some of the best in Disney history, and that is saying something. Seriously, the Hamilton powerhouse has got some crazy talent. Aside from this though the film does have some issues. The pacing is a bit up and down and feels almost rushed at times; especially at the beginning. I get it, it’s a Disney movie, an hour and a half story, and a lot of set up to get through; I’m not surprised things in the beginning get a little clumsy. Still I do feel it could have been tighter. Furthermore, the movie’s environments are a little bland and the story itself is a little choppy even for a Disney movie. The plot twist, whilst a good one, is also quite predictable if you pay attention. The good news is a lot of these shortcomings don’t hold the movie back too much. It’s still enjoyable from start to finish; Maui is irresistible, as is Hei-Hei the chicken; and the music will be burned into your soul forever.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story ****

I have to admit when Disney acquired LucasFilm and announced they were going to be releasing a Star Wars movie EVERY year, I was nervous. “Oh but I think they should just keep it as 6 movies” I said, “any more would just get ridiculous”. But Episode 7 was good - if a little unoriginal - and when I saw the trailers for Rogue One I was immediately hyped. The truly surprising thing is that, for the most part, the film lives up to the expectations. It genuinely feels like a brand new Star Wars movie, not a retread like episode 7. The characters are interesting, enjoyable, and diverse; locales are constantly changing, offering an insane amount of variety; and for Star Wars fans there’s a lot to eat up, from the lore right down to the nods and winks. On the negative side of things, I do feel that the movie takes too long to get going. The opening act is bothersome and slow, with far too much back and forth and way too much mumbling. The plot is arguably simple, but for some reason it’s set up in such a roundabout way it’s easy to miss what’s going on. Plus, I did feel that the writing was trying to achieve something beyond its pay-grade at times. I don’t want to go into spoilers, but it tries to delve into the mucky business of extremism and how it negatively impacts a rebellion. An ambitious attempt, but one that ultimately misses the mark, and one that also paints the rebellion itself as villainous sometimes. I don’t begrudge them trying, but introducing grey to a black and white story takes precision and skill. Thankfully however, once the second act gets under way this movie forgets about this and charges on like nobody’s business. It refocuses the story and keeps riding it right to the very end. Honestly, I think this movie’s third act is the best of any Star Wars movie - it’s genuinely breathtaking. All in all, one or two issues don’t hold this back from being easily one of the greatest Star Wars movies ever made. It is a shame that a lot of the trailer footage isn’t in the finished product, but thankfully, the end result isn’t damaged by the absence. The force is strong with this one.

Passengers ****

Passengers is the sort of film that can slip under the radar, but it really shouldn’t. It’s actually quite good, in many ways you could even call it great. Its story isn’t very new or original, but it does bring new elements along as well as having some genuinely thought provoking dilemmas. For instance, Chris Pratt’s character Jim makes some very questionable decisions. His desperation pushes him down a path without ethics or morals at times, but his conscience never leaves him, and his character-arc turns into a quest for redemption. Where ever your head’s at with him during the film, you can’t deny so much of him is human. The real glue of this movie however is the chemistry between Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence, which not only feels natural but is also incredibly endearing. You want these characters to be happy. Visually, the movie is impressive, with very little CGI for a Sci-Fi, and the imagination in some scenes is a breath of fresh air. There are some minor problems of course. Sometimes story structure gets shaky and plot devices are thrown all over the place, very much like the film’s space-craft, but thankfully, these moments pass and things remain mostly focused. A part of me wondered if certain plot details would have done better if re-arranged, but ultimately the movie doesn’t suffer with the choices it makes.

Collateral Beauty **

With an inspired concept and a strong cast, Collateral Beauty looked like it was going to be the modern day ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. Sadly, it doesn’t deliver. What promised to be a feel-good abstract film turned out to be a clumsy story about grief that, whilst earnest in its performances, is somewhat lacking in structure and tone. The main premise, which is simple - death, time, and love personified visit the main character and discuss his grief - is butchered into a needlessly convoluted narrative. It’s annoying that I can’t detail anything specific without drifting into spoilers, but I can say that the impression you’re given from the trailers is a false one; do not trust it. The writing here is extremely roundabout too, with many scenes seemingly being needless in the long run, and it seems that the director had no idea what storytelling is. Plot threads either go nowhere or they lead to disappointment, and worst still the plot twists are so tacky they’re annoying. Seriously, they feel unconvincing and incredibly forced with very poor set-up. The worst crime of this movie however is the squandered potential. Underneath all of this there is a formidable, feel-good, holiday film fighting to get out. It could have been thought provoking as well as touching. There’s such a strong idea here that it’s a terrible shame to see it wasted in such a way. In the hands of more competent storytellers we could have hit gold. There are one or two decent scenes, and as I say the actors are truly committed to their parts, but Collateral Beauty, as far as I’m concerned, is proof that a good idea doesn’t automatically make it a good movie.

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