#even starving myself I won't lose it fast enough

[dickggansey]

.

[loser-jpg]

Leona and Dee drabble bc im sore from workouts and felt like writtin this

4 years after Dees graduation from NRC (i dont feel like doing any other world building other than that lol):

The first thing Leona heard waking up from his nap was the sound of keys outside the door. Normally the sound of the door opening would follow, but as usual it took Dee a solid half a minute to actually figure out which way to turn the key to unlock the door. Leona didn't understand why he insisted on locking the door every time he left, but it was funny to hear the same grumbles of annoyance every time Dee came back from wherever he went.

Their shared apartment wasn't that large, neither of them were actually fond of too big a living space, so Leona only had to shift himself slightly on the couch to be able to see Dee closing the door behind him.

"Ughhh." Leona watched as Dee kicked off his shoes and threw his phone and keys onto the table. His face was more red than normal and his hair had curled up around his face from sweat.

"Everything hurts." Dee face-planted into the chair to the side of the couch, his legs dragging onto the floor.

"What happened to you?" Leona laughed to himself as Dee turned his face to look at him with fake misery.

"You know how I said I should start working out?" Dee let out another fake whine as he turned his face back into the cushion, too lazy to finish his sentence.

"Well at least I won't have to hear you complaining about not being strong anymore."

"Yeah but you'll have to deal with me complaining about endless pain."

"The soreness will go away if you keep with it. Go ice, it'll help."

Dee pulled himself up enough to sit in the chair properly only to throw his head back to complain more "But I don't wanna ice! It takes so long and I gotta position myself uncomfortable to make the bag stay."

"Well at least go shower. You smell like shit."

"Thats the smell of muscle baby~" Dee groaned as he lifted himself up and trudged his way through the apartment. Leona also pulled himself off the couch and toward the fridge in the kitchen area. Dee was going to be starving in about ten minutes and a combination of not wanting to hear more complaining and kinda feeling nice today made Leona decide to make lunch for the two of them.

"Leftovers? Really?" Dee stared at the reheated remnants of the previous nights dinner. The dinner he made.

"You should be happy I even made you anything."

"Oh I am so blessed, you stuck a plate in the microwave for fifteen seconds for me." Despite his sarcasm, Leona watched Dee sit down and start shoveling food in his mouth the second he was done talking.

"It actually took thirty seconds."

"Oh now thats effort." Leona laughed as Dee struggled to talk with a mouth full of food.

"Food first. Then talk." Leona sat down across from Dee and also started to eat. Admittedly almost as fast and messy as his partner, but at least he had the decency to not talk with food in his mouth.

"Don tell me wah ta do." Leona looked up at Dee with a disgusted look, which only made Dee snicker at him. To Leona that stupid grin was recognizable in almost every situation. Food related or not.

Dee dumped his plate in the sink to wash later before walking over to the couch and laying down right where Leona had been earlier.

"Hey- no that's my spot." Leona set his plate in the sink as well and also made his way to the couch.

"Move your feet, lose your seat." Dee smiled that stupid grin again, before turning away from Leona.

"Oh, we'll see about that." Before Dee could protest Leona had grabbed him around the stomach and pushed him off the couch, reclaiming his spot with confidence.

"Hey! You tryna put me in more pain?!" Dee's face shot up from the ground into view, but the rest of him stayed sitting on the ground.

"Suffer." Leona yawned before shifting himself on the couch, planning to resume his nap from before Dee got home.

"Rude."

"hmm."

Suddenly Leona felt a weight on his torso and looked down to see Dee shoving his way into the space between Leona and the back of the couch.

"Seriously?"

"We share rent, we can share the couch."

"I pay more of the rent than you do."

"I still pay some of it." There it was. Stupid grin again.

"...Fine." Dee snickered as Leona readjusted himself so the two of them could lay comfortably on the couch. Though if he knew this was gonna happen he woulda just moved his nap to the bed.

[chloe-spade]

The Glass Slipper Ch. 1: A Meeting to Remember

Sun rises as a new day began. 6:00 is as early as they come, early for everyone to start the day. Even the clock thought so too, as every single second passed since 6:00, the bell rang throughout town, loud enough that some may felt the ground move as it rang.

Cater was one of the those who hates waking up, twisting, and turning to cover his face, hoping that the pillow would somehow soften the loud sounds of the clock. But it doesn't work for everybody.

"Ugh..." Cater groaned, looking up from his bed and at the clock, "It's too early for this." He yawned and got up at his bed, "You always alert everyone with such loud booming sounds, as if it was peaceful way to start the day. And I'm sorry to tell you, but it's not."

With that, Cater closes the window, which somehow muffled the clock.

"...too early," Ace yawned, "wanna sleep in.."

"You always sleep in," scoffed Riddle, "get up, you two! It's early in the morning and we have work to do."

"...not now," Ruggie groaned.

"Ugh, you two are always the laziest," Riddle pulled them both by the tails, "it's not healthy to stay asleep."

"Today's going to be a great day," Kalim spoke, stretching, "We should get our bodies moving and our brains tinkering."

"Easy for you to say..."

Cater grinned and sat down on the bed.

"Shame," Cater sighs, "I was having the most wonderful dream."

"Hmm? What was it about?"

"Oh no," Cater laughs, "I am not telling any of you. Besides, my mother always says that if you tell a wish, it won't come true."

✨

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

✨

Cater got dressed in his usual rags as he begins to brush his hair, looking at the mirror. He opens the windows to let some birds in as some chirped to greet him for the day. He opens the door to prepare the new day of same old chores, same old demands and same old bossy people.

✨

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

✨

As Cater walked downstairs, he heard clashes and clangs of a nearby cage. It was one of Last Rosalind's mousetraps, a way to keep mice away, to starve and die when the time comes.

"A new one?" Riddle ponders, "I thought we got rid of every single one of those stupid things."

"Maybe we missed one?" Ruggie added.

Cater walked over to the mousetrap, and checked inside, seeing a small blue mouse, lunging himself forward to break over the cage that trapped him inside. Cater uses his finger to stop the mouse from injuring himself.

"Hello," He greeted, "What's your name?"

The mouse didn't answer, only staring in fear.

"Cater, let us do the talking," Ace spoke before jumping down from Cater's pocket before walking over to the mousetrap. "Hey hey," Ace chuckles, "I see you accidentally got yourself in this situation, and I can also see you're scared."

Ace walks over at the mice, "Trust me, I've been there myself, everyone else as well.' Ace pointed at the other mice behind him, which calmed down the mouse. "See that human?" Ace asked, then turning over to the mouse, "That's Cater, the only nice human in this old house, and he won't hurt you, we promise."

"How can you be so sure?" The mouse questioned.

"Because we're alive, aren't we?"

The mouse looks at Ace and sighs, before following Ace out. "...so, this guy says your a nice human?" The mouse asked.

"Well, yes," Cater chuckles, "I'm Cater, one of the residence here. And I'm sorry about the mice traps, my step mother hates mice."

"And you don't?"

"No! I find them to be the smallest but the bestest friends you can have..which is saying much before I don't have much contact with my other friends." Cater looks down at the mouse, "So, what's your name?"

"Deuce," the mouse introduced himself. "Nice to meet you."

Cater grinned and takes some extra clothes, "Now, try these on."

Deuce was confused but got dressed in the tiny clothes Cater gave him, and what do you know? It fits perfectly and it's comfy. "You made these?"

"Yeah, small hobby of mine," Cater looks over at the other mice, "Make sure you show him around," Cater gets up and looks back, "and please, stay away from Pom-Pom."

He walks downstairs to the kitchen. After a few minutes, breakfast was prepared along with a pot of herbal tea, all in their separate pans. He was so busy that he didn't noticed Ruggie now on counter, staring at the delicious bread. Ruggie snickered as he goes up to sneak some food, hiding beneath a teacup, and plan his next move.

"Is this normal for him?" Deuce asked.

"You'd be lucky if he didn't alert Pom-Pom," Kalim answered, watching Ruggie.

"Who?"

"Stepmother's evil cat," Ace looks around, "She has an eye for us mice," he looks around more before climbing down. "Oh, that doesn't sound nice," Deuce mumbled.

Cater rolls his eyes as he set up the trays. "Don't scare him, Ace."

"I wasn't!"

"You are," Riddle concluded.

Cater begins to carefully balancing the trays of food on his head and hands, before walking up the long row of stairs without a single wobble.

"Woah," Deuce gasps on awe, "How can he do that? Aren't those very heavy?"

"Cater's a professional," Ruggie chuckled, grabbing some cheese, "He's good at what he does, though under sucky circumstances."

"Sucky?" Deuce echoed.

"It's a story for another time." Riddle answered, "Let's just get some food and leave."

"You don't have to tell me tell twice," Ruggie laughed, grabbing everything he could carried.

Cater, meanwhile, had the trays set down and started to open the blinds that covered the windows, adding light to the hallway. He looked over to the door and started with Astrid. "Good morning, Astrid," he greeted.

"Ugh! It's too early for this!" She gasped as Cater opened the blinds, "Close them!" She demanded, covering herself in the blanket.

"That can't do," Cater says with a proud smile," You can't miss out on a good breakfast, now, can you?"

He sets the tray by her side table, a perfect breakfast that they are all so used to. She pouts as she gets up and takes her tray, puts it on her lap, and begrudgingly starts to eat. "Now, that wasn't so hard, now, was it?" Cater teased with a smile, grabbing the remaining trays.

"Shut up, worm," Astrid hissed venomously, "now, leave me alone."

Cater shrugs and leaves the room. "Suit yourself." He strolls over to Elise's room and does the same thing with a smile.

A small groan was heard from under the sheets.

"Good morning, Elise," Cater greeted, "I hope you had a good rest. Here's your breakfast and tea, and some extras like you requested."

Elise sighs as she looks over at the food beside her. ".... leave," she mumbled, "...didn't you hear me? I said leave."

Cater nodded and walks out the room, closing the door behind him, now ready to enter that last room Lady Rosalind's. With hesitant breath, he walks inside.

"Ah, you're here, Cater. And with a delightful breakfast," Rosalind's voice rang from her bed, "you've seen nervous. Is something the matter?"

Cater shakes his head. "No, ma'am, just early morning getting to me." He gives her a cup of tea. "It is nothing."

"So formal."

Cater kept a grin as he set down Rosalind's tray and gives her a cup of tea, and cat food for Pom-Pom.

"How's your tea?"

"Delightful. Now, your chores," Rosalind starts, petting her cat, Pom-Pom, who wickedly grinned at Cater, "sweep the stairs at front and back, scrub the floors again, take care of the laundry and do the dishes, and clean the chimney,"

"I've cleaned the chimney yesterday," Cater reminded.

"Clean it again!" Rosalind snapped but gave a small smile. "I do not like arguments, dear Cater, and you should know that if I make the order, you do it. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Cater sighs.

"And," Rosalind added, "feed the chickens. They seem hostile lately, and if they have eggs, please do collect them. I do want my girls to have a very healthy breakfast, like this one."

"Of course, Lady Rosalind." Cater nods and starts to walk out the door.

"Don't forget, Cater," Lady Rosalind added, "My daughters are going to need you at the village today, as they have been lacking in dresses."

"I haven't forgotten."

"That's why I like you. You don't ask any questions." Cater left the room as fast as possible, before sighing in relief, watching the mice reach the final step.

"Now, what are you all doing?" Cater whispered, walking over to them, offering his hands.

"Deuce wanted to see you in action," Ace explained.

"Well, I was interested on how he can do this, day to day."

Cater takes them and helps them in his pocket and walks down the stairs. "Well, try not to get caught, and prepare for a day in town...a long day in town."

✨

Malleus was staring at a window towards town, ignoring his grandmother and Lilia speaking about his future spouse and his time as king, for when the Queen passed.

"Malleus, are you listening?" The Queen asked, "Did you hear anything we've said."

Malleus looks over and didn't respond and looks back at the window.

"For heaven's sake, Malleus," the queen groaned, "Don't you understand what's happening?"

"That I am of age and to wed soon," Malleus spoke solemnly, "But the lady you brought in wasn't someone I felt a connection with. She seemed to care about wealth and wealth alone, which is not I want in a relationship, even in an arranged one."

"Malleus, who cares about connection. You need someone to rule with and I am running out of options for you."

"Lilia said it was important."

"I did say that," Lilia admitted, "because, your highness, I truly believed that love is essential for a positive marriage and a fruitful ruling. Malleus should be with someone he chooses."

The Queen looked at Lilia and back at Malleus. "Do you still have your handmade letter for our annual engagement ball?" The Queen asked.

"I do, Grandmother." Malleus answered.

"Here's what I'll agree too," The Queen explained, "If you happen to meet someone that you feel that you really care about, I'll let marry them."

"Then I should start at the village."

"Pardon?" The queen stammered, "I-I didn't say you should do the village."

"But you did say I should choose whoever I want, villager included."

"It does count," Lilia agreed, "You didn't say it wasn't allowed."

The Queen groaned and sighed, "Fine, go to the village and watch how those will tremble at your feet for money and status."

"Grandmother..."

"No. I will not interfere with this process. This is your idea, and I won't say a word." The Queen walked away after, leaving Malleus and Lilia in the ballroom, verbally speechless on what the queen had said.

"You are welcome," Lilia chuckles, "So? How's about it? Going to the village today?"

"I don't know, Lilia," Malleus sighs, "Grandmother seemed upset and what if she's right? About the connection to the greediness of others? I'll be honest, Lilia, I have no idea how love works and yet I just made a deal to find love."

"Oh, remember what I said? You'll know when you know, Malleus. Now, get ready! We have a day in the village!"

✨

"Oh! And this! And also this!" Astrid shrieked in glee, picking many dresses, fabrics, shoes and more.

"Ooh, these shoes are much more my style!" Elise cheered, grabbing a pair of shoes.

How long as Cater's been in the village? At least for 3 hours, no breaks and he was carrying every single thing that they've bought with or without thinking. It was taking a toll on his physical strength, but he's surviving. The mice in his pocket say otherwise. It was painful to watch Cater do this much physical labor, even through he said he was fine, but the small shakes of his arms claimed otherwise.

"Now you! Wait outside until we are done." Ordered Astrid, who was still looking for more jewelry to try on. Cater sighs as he walks outside and waits.

"Exhausting..." he mumbled, "who knew shopping at the town square was an exhausting encounter," Cater paused for a moment, "Hold on, it's not the first time I've done this." "I'd say, you've gotten stronger though," Kalim complimented, "But do you need help?"

*Jingles Jingles*

Kalim's perked up. "Oh! Looks like I'm needed for something!" He climbs out and grabs his wand. "I'll be right back!"

"Be careful," Cater smiles, "and don't cause a scene like last time."

Kalim nods as he disappears, leaving a sparkling trail.

Deuce could only stare and opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"We'll explain," Ruggie started.

✨

Kalim appeared in a small alleyway, cleaning himself up, and was clearly dizzy.

"Ah, Kalim." Lilia greeted, "Look at you, fruitful as ever."

"Nice to see you again, Lilia." Kalim spoke, "Sorry if I'm a little dizzy! I've been a mice for way too long! Anyways, do you need a daily report?"

"One would be nice."

"Well, helping Cater! He still doesn't want me to just *poof* him out of there. But he was right about us having a plan before I could even consider it."

"Fairy Godfather business does feel like that sometimes. You just want to help but they won't let you."

"But I am great at using my magic for small specks of revenge." This caught Lilia attention and a cat like grin appeared on his face. "Do tell." "Well, The mean stepmother so cruel that I stick her nose into a spoon. She has a spoon on her nose for the rest of the day...or well, a week." Lilia let's out a laugh, "Oh, I would've done that too if it wasn't for me retiring."

"But I just wish we could so something to actually help Cater and not just...help with chores. I need some sort of plan."

"Oh, lucky for you." Lilia guided Kalim to Malleus, who was looking at some sorts of desserts, clearly distracted.

"Isn't that the prince?" Kalim gasps.

"Yeah, surprise," Lilia softly cheered, "I'm the queen's royal advisor and I take him to town to find someone he fancies, but no luck."

"Lilia, are you saying...?"

"Oh, I am. Watch this." Summoning his wand, he aims towards Malleus and carefully takes the envelope out of pocket, alerting Malleus.

"Hmm, must be a windy day," he mumbled as he followed but failed to grab the letter each time, causing giggles from Lilia.

"Now, let's get to Cater."

✨

Cater was now internally cursing at the sky above as the new items were causing a decreased to Cater's speed.

"Great Stars, must you be so slow!?" Astrid complained, "Mother is right. You do get lazier and lazier everyday."

"Hurry up! Or else everything is off sale!" Elise added, "It seems you like getting locked in your room."

"..I don't think you noticed that I have besn carrying everything for 3 hours," Cater murmured underneath his breath, clearly spiteful.

"I'm just surprised you can carry it all." Deuce spoke, "Look at all of that. It's a mountain that's ready to collapse."

Because it was about to. With the boxes covering his vision, he could only depend on hearing to get him moving. What he didn't expect was a carriage that zoomed across carelessly, startling Cater enough to trip. Everything else happened so fast. Cater gasped as he felt a hand around his waist, and heard an unfamiliar voice, "are you ok?" Cater looks up to see someone he can't recognize but a strangely handsome man, Cater thought. Over them was all the boxes, surrounding by fae magic, not even close to the floor.

"Y-yes, I'm fine," He looks up. The man above him took a relief and helped Cater up on his feet, fixing his outfit. Cater was distracted by how tall he was and the unusual but amazing horns on top of head.

"Cater! You clumsy worm!! I hope everything didn't break when dropped them!" Elise screamed.

"Mother will hear about this!" Astrid screamed as well. The stranger looked over and gave them a glare, which silenced them immediately, but ignored them, still brushing off Cater. "Hello, Cater." The stranger greeted, "I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you almost fell." "No," Cater gulped, "I just..uh, I should thank you for helping me. I appreciate it."

"I'm glad I came by in time. And also, I believe Cater is a lovely name." The stranger spoke, taking Cater's hand and kissing his hand.

Cater gasps. "W-what's your name?" "Malleus," he introduced himself. "Like the-" "Not in front of your...what am I supposed to call them?" "Oh you mean my stepsister?" Malleus nodded and kept the boxes above as he approached the girls. "Hello ladies."

"What do you want?" Astrid asks.

"I simply requested that you should not overwork Cater, he seems very lovely and I hate the thought of him possibly fainting of exhaustion. So I recommend we bring you guys back to your home and Cater will have a nice rest."

Cater just had to blush at that. The prince himself was calmly scolding his stepsister not to overwork him. It wasn't the first time he was defended but considering that it was Prince Malleus himself doing it. It was doing something to Cater. Ace took notice of it.

"Oh, there's the look," Ace said.

"What look, Ace?" Riddle asked.

"That's what I call the look of love." Ace answered, "Come on, the evil stepsisters are getting scolded by that man."

"Yeah, how can Cater not fall for him?" Ruggie added.

"Well, I suppose I can see it," Riddle admitted, "I just think it might to sudden for you."

Cater didn't add much to the conversation as he continued to watch, as well as the other townfolk.

"Although," Malleus continued, "Look at all of this. You bought so much that it could've lead to an injury. Tsk tsk. How about this, I'll come along as a helping hand. Would that work for you, Cater?"

Cater, still amazed, just nodded. Malleus smiles. "Ladies, would you please lead the way?"

With a small huff, Astrid and Elise started to lead Malleus, Cater walking with him.

✨

"I can't believe that worked." Kalim gasps, "I didn't mean to summon the carriage!"

"Even if you didn't mean to, that definitely helped us a lot." Lilia laughed and watch them walk away, "and besides, did you see the way Cater looked at Malleus?"

"And Malleus scolding them?"

"Perfect."

"Cute."

"We should follow them."

"Right!"

✨

"Thank you for helping," Cater thanked Malleus as they walked down the path to the Diamond Estate.

"Of course, and here's everything that they bought. And I must say, you are quite a conversationalist, Cater."

Cater smiles.

"Oh, I had plenty of practice, with animals. Hmm, yeah I can tell that shouldn't be a good thing, right?"

Malleus looks over at Cater and does a small chuckle. "Oh, I have a Knight who can talk to animals as well, so I'm used to that. And I think it's a good thing, as you may understand all animals around you."

"Oh, phew!" Cater sighs of relief, "that's a relief. I'm used to being called weird because of it."

"Oh, I am very aware of weird it is but it never weirds me out." "Really? I suppose someone like you seen so many stuff."

"That is true. But sometimes it's all repeated affairs, so going to the village was a nice change of pace for me." Malleus explained. "And that did lead me to meet you, Cater. So today is a lucky day."

"Oh..lucky?"

Malleus smiles as he takes out a envelope and hands it to Cater.

"This is for you to open," Malleus explained, looking over at the sisters, "When you are alone of course."

A neigh from a horse caught Cater off guard again and stumbled into Malleus.

"My, my, you seem very clumsy, Cater," Malleus laughs, "Perhaps you have fallen for me?"

"Or is it perhaps you made me weak at the knees?" Cater flirted and laughed at his off guard Malleus was at that comment.

"Our coach is here!!" Astrid called, "You two! Put the stuff away and get a move on!"

"Are they always so demanding?" Malleus whispered as he loaded the coach of their bags and boxes.

"You should've seen them in the mornings." Cater answered. Malleus looks back as everything was now packed. He grabbed Cater's hand once last time and couldn't help but ask: "When will I ever see you again?"

Cater smiles and brings Malleus down for a kiss on the cheek. "Soon. If fate brought us here once, I bet it'll do again."

Malleus liked the answer and helps Cater get into the coach. Malleus watched as the coach rode off, waving back at Cater before it was no where to be seen.

"... fate will bring us together again," Malleus whispered before walking back to the village.

✨

As soon as the returned, Cater was already putting things inside, but he was humming and softly dancing as he did so.

"So did something happen while I was away?" Kalim asked, startling the mice.

"Yeah! Cater's fallen in love," Deuce exclaimed, "I mean, look at him!" "This could be a good or bad thing," Riddle muttered. "Nah," Ace disagrees, "Cater's so happy. What's the best thing you can ask for?"

"Nothing I suppose."

✨

"Well, I hope your happy," Lilia pouted in fake anger, "Leaving me with more grey hairs then pink ones?"

"Sorry for my scare, Lilia," Malleus apologies, "but you need to hear this." He spoke with a smile and started walking ahead. "You should've met him, Lilia. I never thought I...I could meet someone as understand as him. Cater is so exhilarating."

"My, did fate help you?"

"...for the first time? Yes, fate has helped me learn love."

[j4y-stardustt]

😭ate a bit to much today but it's okay bc I'm pretty sure I burned it all😜 and I'll fast until Thursday evening than have a small meal and weight inthe morning obvs. I don't rlly gain alot of weight bc everyday I make sure to take a long enough walk to burn all my kcalls!:). I am not losing alot of weight but every little bit is closer to my goalweight (trying to be positive instead of punishing myself for it). I did eat my comfort food today so that make me feel beter. Friday I'll go on vacation and I'm not gonne count callories Friday, but bc of all the starve days I did I can't rlly eat alot anymore😭😭 but I'm gonne give myself a little freedom on vacation! I'm stil gonne take walks everyday! And swim and deffintly also try to eat healthy. So I won't let myself go to much, but I want to feel happy on vacation so I decided thogether with my mum I'm gonne try to eat some of my fear foods. After vacation I'll dieet again🫶🏻. I hope we can bring the scale on vacation 😭 I can't go a week without knowing my weight . Anyways I won't reread this since it's just a little vent 😜

[meditating-dog-lover]

Intermittent fasting (and walking)

So I went to a seafood restaurant in Paphos yesterday and had some fish, salad, and fries at around 4:30. I did not eat at night because I wasn't hungry. I took a good nap and slept well.

I woke up at around 5 and wasn't very hungry. I knew I had it in mind that I want to begin intermittent fasting. and went for a morning walk for around half an hour (I normally walk more but because I'm in a foreign country I didn't want to walk too far and get lost). Plus it's hot in the morning. But it was a good walk overall. And I managed to find my way back despite getting somewhat lost.

And after my walk, I wasn't hungry. But I was sleepy and took a long nap (from 8:30/9 until 2). I am exhausted and did a lot of touring in the past few days. So I needed to rest and did not go out today either.

I ate at 2. I had oatmeal with strawberries, walnuts, and dark chocolate and some coffee with almond milk and a hint of dark chocolate (I got myself used to bitter coffee). I also had a tablespoon of flax seed oil (it's a supplement I take). It's 5:19 now and I'm not hungry. But I'm going to have a sandwich for lunch. But I am full from my breakfast and I underestimated how filling the oats and coffee are. This can be treated as a full meal instead of a snack.

I usually do 2 pieces of wheat/sprouted grains with an avocado (whole if small, half if large) with some leafy greens and 2 slices gouda. Sometimes I add hemp seeds. It's very filling and I'll see if I need to adjust it calorie and portion-wise.

I'll see what I'll have for dinner and how my hunger is. Right now I'm not starving but I feel like I will need another meal before my feeding window ends. So I'll make a sandwich. For my evening snack I do Greek yogurt, blueberries, chia seeds, and dark chocolate. Dinner I go for protein (chicken or salmon), veggies/greens and a healthy carb like sweet potato fries.

So my current goals are to fast 16-8, take my supplements, and walk (I did a lot of walking 2017-2019 on my low calorie diet which explains why I lost a lot of weight). The walking consists of pacing at work, slow-walking my dogs, and brisk walking on my own (30-45 mins). And the foods I take have to be healthy and filling, thankfully my supplements helped a lot with cravings. I won't be eating diet and low calorie food replacements like I did back then. They'll be healthy and filling and consisting of foods I enjoy (dark chocolate for example).

Future goals consist of (a) making this a longterm goal and rebounding when needed and deciding how long I want to do this for (I want this to be a lifestyle), (2) to look into my calorie intake (without it being triggering), and (3) what to do when in contact with tempting foods that may be less healthy than usual. During my restrictive eating days I did not let myself eat these foods often and did it with a restrictive mindset. Now I want to do it with the perspective of eating when hungry and stopping when full. So eating a few bites of something temping (a) won't hurt my goals and (b) I get my "fix" when needed. For example, we have a pack of spicy Brazilian party mix and I had a few pieces and stopped because I was full and wanted to have enough room for my main meals. Again my supplements helped a lot with cravings, so taking those consistently will help here.

I want to lose some fat and lose the muscle bulk in my calves. My body in 2018 and 2019 was great and I hate myself for not being happy ad the time and thinking I was overweight. I would love to have that body again. And I know I achieved it through eating less and walking a lot. My eating was disordered, but now I want to focus on eating less. by eating filling foods and intermittent fasting instead of eating small meals and counting calories obsessively and eating diet and sugar/fat free versions of foods I like. And I'm going to continue walking without resorting to intense workouts because I know doing that will make me eat more (not necessarily because I'm hungry, but because I think that exercising burns whatever extra calories I eat but I am likely eating more than what I burned and overestimate my burned calories). So eating less and doing less intensive workouts will burn the extra fat and calf muscle bulk with time.

I will continue to record my experience frequently and see how it's working out for me and if I have any hiccups and challenges in the process.

Also wondering if my coffee will break my fast. I love coffee and coffee even suppresses appetite which can be good to have in the morning before work. Then at work I can eat my full meals and also when I get home. This can change my schedule where I can make my work snack and lunch when my dinner is cooking instead of the morning and may be able to walk my dogs in the morning and even do my own brisk walking. I am also more motivated to walk than I am to do my circuit training, so I won't have a challenge fitting in my walking session without being reluctant.

[ray-talks]

8/28/23

today was a bit boring and irritating.

i fasted all day; although, it was a bit of a struggle, because i felt so hungry, which is odd since i haven't feel hungry in over a week. then i realized that i was on my period. that is incredibly annoying. it is dysphoric, but also inconvenient. i wish that my period would go away from not eating enough, because i certainly haven't been. but whatever, it's here and i have to deal with it.

i walked over 20km today. i get bored with nothing to do since i have no social life (lmao), so i end up going on walks frequently. it is strange because it doesn't feel like i am trying that hard to achieve my walking distances -- they just happen. i would say that's a positive thing, as i would rather not feel unmotivated.

my classes were okay. i watched a movie yesterday for my film class, which i forgot to mention. the movie itself wasn't in my interest, and the discussion didn't particularly captivate me either. i look forward to tomorrow's classes, particularly my creative writing class. i want to write something, but i'm struggling with ideas at the moment, so i hope going to class might ignite something in me.

i am increasingly worried that i won't lose enough weight by the end of the year. i'm scared i'm not losing weight, in general. but i am literally starving myself, so why wouldn't i be losing? i cannot check, because i am afraid to go home -- where the scale is. one of the worst pains is that weight loss takes time, you have to wait a month to see significant results. it sometimes is hard to keep focused because you cannot see what you are fighting for.

i just want to be thin, is that so much to ask? i want to be obviously, and apparently thinner than everyone else. i want to look willowy and light, like i could pushed away by the breeze. or even look sickly, something to make people gasp out in shock. i want to achieve my goal, so that i have accomplished something, and that everyone else can see it.

i don't have much more to say, so regardless of my ramblings, i wish anyone who reads this has a good day.

[stellacendia]

TW: food, discussions of food, eating disorder mention, anorexia mention, brief implication of suicide

I have a complicated relationship with food.

It sucks, cause I need food to live, but daily I find myself wishing I didn't.

I don't have an eating disorder, never did, but I have food-related triggers anyway.

I love food, sometimes. I have favorites and things I love to eat because of their taste or their texture. Someone cooking or buying me food is an act of love. Sharing a meal with someone is an intimate act of love.

I hate food sometimes. The nights when hunger claws at my stomach but nothing sounds good, or everything takes too much effort to prepare or too consume. That's most nights now.

I hate food sometimes, when I'm dizzy and feel weak because it's been more than two hours since I last ate (curse my fast metabolism) but the mere thought of eating anything at all makes me want to gag or scream or launch myself into the sun.

I hate food sometimes, when I know that eating will make me feel better, but I want to do anything else.

I hate food sometimes, when the mechanical motions of chewing and swallowing is too much to manage.

I hate food sometimes, when the feel of anything in my mouth makes me shudder and cringe.

I hate food sometimes, when I have the knowledge and ability to cook but can't be bothered because instant junk food is easier. Is faster.

I hate food sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror and think that I'm starving myself but it never gets easier to just eat.

I hate food sometimes when I know I should try to have a healthy balanced diet but sometimes healthy just means eating enough.

I made an appointment with a nutrionist saying "I'm constantly hungry how can I change my diet to actually fill me?" and she had me fill out a food journal but her first response to it was not "is this enough calories for you" but "you should cut out the juice, it has too much sugar" even though I'd starting drinking juice so I would stop drinking soda. She said "add protein" which should have helped but it didn't make a difference and I'm left not knowing what else to do.

I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and it's never enough to make the hunger go away.

I go to doctors and say "I know my diet is shit but when it comes to eating junk versus eating nothing I figure eating junk is better" and I feel the burn of their judgmental stares.

I say I'm an adult but am I really when I can't even reliably feed myself?

I eat the same thing for lunch every day for a month and a coworker makes a comment about how it's funny I always eat the same thing. I accidentally go off on her because it's all I can do to keep eating that one thing, but she didn't know and that's not her fault.

I'm always so happy at the doctor when my weight is up and they think it's weird that I'm pleased to be "the heaviest I've ever been." I wonder why I can't gain any weight and something in the back of my mind wonders if it's because I'm starving too slowly to realize it's starvation. Am I taking in just barely enough calories to stay alive? What would enough calories even look like for me?

I flinch when I overhear people discussing diets or weight loss or calorie counting not because I ever dealt with wanting to lose weight through a strictly controlled diet but because I can't do the opposite.

The first time I ever heard the word "anorexia" was in sixth grade when my bully asked if I was anorexic probably because she wanted to trigger me but instead she laughed when I said I didn't know what the word meant. How had I never heard of it she asked.

A secret of mine is that sometimes I like being hungry. Sometimes I want to stay that way, and slowly waste away into nothing. Sometimes I feel like I could if I just stopped eating long enough. But something inside of me won't let me and I always end up eating again.

I wish my relationship with food was as simple as "I eat when I'm hungry, and don't when I'm not" as I've told people before, but.

I have a complicated relationship with food.

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

*pops in* hello!

Saw you have open requests.. i hope i dont overflow you or smt..

But.. could I ask for Benn Beckman with Vampire gf who did not feed in a long time and really really wanna feed from him, but also does not want to hurt him. But like.. the more she waits the more desperate she gets ?

Hope it make sense.. 😅

Please dont push yourself, stay safe and drink a lots of water~

Bye

This got a little steamy a little fast

Imagine Benn Beckman with a thirsty vampire girlfriend

You: *just returned from a mission Shanks set you on and you haven't fed in weeks*

Shanks: whoa (y/n), you alright yer lookin a little rough.

You: I .... I'm fine, just hungry that's all.

Benn: you didn't eat while you were out?

You: no, remember captain asked me not to feed while off the ship.

Shanks: I meant that on day trips! Not a two week mission!

Benn: you must be starving *grabs your shoulders

You: no, I'm fine *trails off as all you can hear and focus on is his heartbeat and the sound of blood rushing through his veins*

Benn: *watches your pupils turn into slits and your fangs become more pronounced* he he that thirst huh?

You: *snaps out of your trance and throws yourself off of him* shoot dang it! I'm sorry honey.

Benn: no need to apologize, go ahead.

You: I can't, I'm so hungry I don't trust myself not to lose control. I'll end up hurting you or worst, killing you.

Benn: I'll be fine.

You: no

Benn: I can out wait you.

You: good luck with that.

Three hours later

Benn: *wrestling with Shanks*

You: *practically drooling at the sound of their heart beats*

Shanks: *elbows Benn's face splitting his lip*

You: *practically feels your heart freeze at the sight of his blood*

Benn: *pins Shanks's face to the deck and looks over at you and smirks* you look like a deer in headlights.

You: *whines* Benn please I don't want to hurt you.

Benn: *pushes himself off of shanks and the ground* damn it woman, you're driving me mad.

You: oh I'm driving you mad! I want to attack you and drain you from just seeing and smelling a little of your blood.

Shanks: I don't mind if you drain me *opens his shirt more and pushes his hair back as he flexes really hard* help yourself

You: ...

Benn: ... *Pulls out a spray bottle and spritzes him*

Shanks: alright alright, I'll go ask doc to sacrifice some of his blood transfusion stores for (y/n) to drink.

Benn: in the mean time, *wipes the blood from his lip and chin off with his thumb and smears it over your lips.

You: *licks his thumb clean*

Benn: good girl

An hour later

You: *pouting at one of the mess tables surrounded by empty blood bags*

Benn: you still don't look happy

You: I'm still hungry

Yassop: you devoured half of our blood supply, that's enough blood for three people!

You: have you forgotten I'm undead and haven't drank in two weeks? Which means the hunger just builds and builds .

Yassop: that's fair, but Doc won't be able to give you more, we need that blood just in case some one gets hurt.

Shanks: she drank our oldest stores... But I suppose we could all donate more if you really need it.

You: I just need like one more bag

Benn: just fed, here *pulls down the collar of his shirt and exposes his neck* go for it.

You: but

Benn: I trust you, so trust me when I say I'll be fine. I'm a big boy, I can take it. Plus you always told me fresh blood from the carotid artery tastes best.

You: I don't know

Shanks: I had Doc not pull any blood from Benn's stores, so you can drain him as much as you like.

Benn: do it *opens his split lip and smears the blood from it onto his neck* I know you want to. *Gives you that stupidly charming smirk*

You: *Tackles him*

Benn: *gets slammed into the deck and starts at you bearing your fangs down at him* atta girl, drink up

You: *pins his wrists to the deck boards and sinks your teeth into his neck and drinks*

After five minutes

Shanks: can you even move?

Benn: *tries to lift his arm only for you to hold him down* no, but I'm starting to feel a little light headed

Doc: *sighs* I'll go get some transfusions for you just in case

Ten minutes later

You: *pulls away from him* oh my gods Benn are you alright?

Benn: *chuckles* yeah, you full now?

You: *sits back on his hips, and guiltily mumbles* yeah, I'm full now

Benn: see I told you you wouldn't hurt me

You: being a reckless idiot is Shanks's job, you old fool

Shanks: hey!

Benn: I'm reckless when it comes to you *strokes you cheek with his thumb*

[itzjustadream19]

It's not your fault.

Not at all.

Especially when finding yourself in a situation where you wanna lose weight and it just seems like u can't.

Chances are you really can't - or to be clearer - your body can't

Not because of your wrong mindset.

Not because you don't have the discipline and aren't trying hard enough.

Nor is it because you're not exercising enough.

You are not weak.

You can't fight genetics.

You can restrict yourself hundreds of calories all the way you want but there will be a point where your body won't behave the way you want it to.

At some point you get hungry, so unbelievably hungry, as if nothing could ever satisfy you.

And being a fAt PiG is not the reason.

It's a reaction. Your body is showing you that the food you've been restricting is bad and not what it wants. It wants to be taken care of. It wants freedom.

"Calories in - calories out" may just be the summary.

Depending on your genetics, how you grew up and what kind of nutrition you are used to, it's also about how lucky you are able to conform todays standards in your culture.

Please be gentle to yourself

It's Not just your will power.

My whole life I've been in a fight with my body.

Wanting to get it thinner. Even when I was I did not see it. I fasted and binged again and again. Sometimes I was not hungry at all, other times I couldn't stop eating. There were always hidden rules that I gave myself for such a long time that I didn't perceive them as rules eventually.

Remember the problem is not your body. Bingeing and starving are symptoms of the real problem: restricting.

[bodyswapmischief]

Gaining A New Year's Resolution

"Dude what the fuck are you eating." I say to my roommate.

"A salad? ... why?" He puzzledly responds.

"Nothing it just surprising... I never thought I would see the day were you at a salad." I say while being amused.

My roommate laughs along with me. "Yeah it’s for my New Year's resolution to lose weight."

"New Year's resolutions?" I choke.

"Yeah, it's a goal you make at the beginning of the year..." he starts to explain.

"I know what a New Year's resolution is. I can't believe your stupid enough to have one." I laugh.

"Hey, there's gotta be something you what to change or learn this year." He blushes.

"No, I'm already perfect," I flex. " See this body it's already perfect. And, I don't need to set a goal to accomplish something. If I want to do it, I just do it."

"Well we all can't be perfect like you," he says as he is starting to get annoyed.

"And you really think your gonna lose weight, this year." I ask.

"Yeah, why are you being such an asshole?" He aggressively says.

"What I'm just being realistic. Do you know how many New Year's resolution are broken, let alone in the first month. Working at a gym, I see this all the time. Your just setting yourself up for failure. Then your going to get depressed, eat your feelings, and gain even more weights." I explain.

"Wow, your such an asshole. Why do you gotta be so negative. I guess in your world nobody can ever change. What are you sacred that if I lose weight I will be hotter than you? Watch, I'm going to lose this weight." He yells.

"Oh yeah, this coming from the guy that has been stuffing his face non stop, since Halloween. And, yeah, I'm soooo jealous of your ability to eat 3 large pizzas in one sitting. I mean besides your appetite, you lack the willpower or motivation to make this goal a reality. You give up whenever something gets hard." I snap back.

"Fuck you! Remember you made me do this. Amittere et lucra. Amittere et Lucra. AMITTERE ET LUCRA..." He keeps repeating. My vision starts to black out.

Suddenly I wake up. "Your an asshole," my roommate yells. He bumps into me as he walks past me. A static shock hit both our bodies. He then slams the door to his room. What the fuck was he yelling about, I think to myself.

It looked like we were talking to each other but, I can't remember our conversation. Damn, I was going to go to the gym but, whatever we were arguing about got me tired. Missing today won't kill me. Plus, I have to go their tomorrow to meet up with my clients, anyways.

My stomach growls. Damn, I'm starving. I’m to tired to cook. I'll just order a pizza or two. Wait, when was the last time I ate pizza?

[A Few Weeks Later]

Fuck, today was embarrassing. First, every single one of my clients asked if I was okay. At first I didn't know what they were talking about. Finally my favorite client straight up told be I was getting fat.

I know my abs are gone. My pecs have become smaller and soft. And, I lost definition in my legs, back, and arms. But, I wouldn't say I was fat. I still look hot. So, I just lied and said I was bulking up.

And, if that wasn't bad. I got a new client today. He was very overweight. Usually, I have to actually show new clients how to do the workouts properly. So, for the first couple of seasons I work out with them, instead of just supervising them. But, today I could barely keep up, myself. But, that happens. I mean come on I haven’t worked out for a while. Working out is to hard and tiring.

After work my boss told me that the new client requested working with someone else. And, some of my clients have been complaining about my behavior lately. So, what if I've been eating hamburgers on the job, they go well with my morning milkshakes. And, I've been tired lately so, sorry that I've been sleeping in the break room instead of supervising my clients. And, what if I can lift heavy weights anymore or stay on a treadmill for 1 minute, without hyperventilating.

Long story short, I was fired. Well, I've always been good at cooking so, maybe I'll get a job at a restaurant.

And then, holy shit has my roommate lost a lot of weight abnormally fast. His beer belly is long gone and so are his boobs. Now he's walking around shirtless showing of his pecs and biceps. His abs are starting to come in. I know I have been acting like I don't care about the weight I'm gaining but, around him I feel so insecure about my body. I've stopped walking around shirtless and I'm so jealous of his body.

To make matters worst, we swapped clothes. It was embarrassing but, it saved us both a lot of money. His clothes were getting way to big for him. And as the days have gone by, he has been filling out my clothes nicely. My clothes were either become to tight or just showed off how fat I was getting. I still don't really fit into my roommates old clothes but, he says I should grow into them. And as they days past, they are starting to fit better.

But, I wouldn't admit that to him. He's been acting like an asshole every since he lost weight. He makes fun of what I eat and how much I eat. He like pointing out how fat I'm getting. He keeps saying if I don't watch out, I'm going to out grow his old clothes. See how arrogant he is. Like he knows how fat I'm going to get.

I could lose weight at anytime. I just don't need to yet. I may not be fit. But, I'm still hot, right? Dad bods are a thing, right? And, if I do become fat, I can always make a New Year's resolution next year to lose weight. So, I shouldn't be worried or should I? And, why do I keep feeling like I should remember something from that fight me and my roommate had, a few weeks ago?

[fatghostboi]

Day 1: uhh so my scales are fucked I think but cw: 143.4 (I think it's mainly water weight lmao) and I wanna be 100lbs maybe 90lbs

Day 2: 5'3, I would wanna be a bit taller maybe at least 5'5 or 5'6 hhh

Day 3:

I want their legs. My legs have always been so big and I'm jealous. I don't want my legs to look femme fuck.

Day 4: the clothes I do like on me won't fit, or I'll have more curves. I know ill look more curvy, but I can hide that more I think. Or I'll just gain it all again fuck

Day 5: I want to lose weight to be good enough, for people to look at me and think I finally look good or even that maybe I did have a problem when they all turned me down. To look masculine enough and to have masculine features. To finally be good looking rather than the fat trans friend who looks too femme because of their fucking baby face with chub.

Day 6: I do and it's usually because I'm in a destructive headspace. I try not to often but yeah I do.

Day 7: no they don't. Mums never noticed, and the one time she did she took me to the doctors for depression thinking nothing of the food, then goes ahead and tells me I'm not depressed that I just get down sometimes when all the signs are there lmao.

Day 8: walk. My disabled ass cannot really work out and really shouldn't walk as much as i do when I do but my Ed can't help it, I love seeing the numbers on my watch go up and up.

Day 9: yes all the time. As a kid I was obese and overweight and I used to get called so many things. One thing that stuck with me was obese monkey. Good Times. Oh and the fact my ex said I run over my dog with my tree trunk legs... Ya know a few days after my dog just got killed but sure.

Day 10: probably my social life. I've lost my social life due to physical and mental illness. Everyone wants to go out and eat and I just don't want to. But also cooking. I miss cooking good meals rather than looking at meals as just calories I shouldn't consume.

Day 11: I don't have a favourite oops they're more on Instagram

Day 12: egg, egg whites, rice, toast, wheetabix, porridge, veggie sausages, chicken nuggets sometimes, a shit ton of veg like the amount of brocoli I consume lmao. Snacks wise sometimes the odd biscuit, usually carrots, houmous or just nothing.

Day 13: mainly unhealthy but sometimed I try to do it healthily and get no results so I get pissed.

Day 14: 100-90 lbs and I honestly don't know. I've failed so far but I fucking want to so bad. My first big goal is getting down to 120lbs so

Day 15: I'm not but I try to be. I would definitely consider being vegetarian as going vegan would probably affect my chronic illness worse due to the lack of vitamins I would get. I'm very picky with food but I do love to eat vegan food when i can.

Day 16: I was about like 10 lmao

Day 17: I mean not diagnosed but probably lmao

Day 18: chocolate and noodles. I can't help myself i still eat them. The noodles I have are 269 cals per a packet and that's why I eat those ones gah

Day 19: about an hour ago? I had 2 biscuits with my coffee so I didn't binge today lmao

Day 20: AIT starts off easy, gets harder down the line. Never completed the whole thing but I have lost loads of weight from it before. Except this time? Idk like my body shows I have but scales say nah

Day 21: ew. So naturally I have very big hips, that's not fat that's bone sadly, so in men's jeans I'm a 30waist in females I'm a size 10. Mens tops I'm a M if I want it baggy or it's a tight fit cause S makes me feel gross in tight fit. But if I want it to look decent I'm a S and I would fit into an XS if my shoulders weren't so broad but I'm not complaining on that lmao

Day 22: 122lbs. I gained this time around because of the medication I was put on, I really want to be off it because I also don't wanna get pregnant. But it's also causing issues so I may be put on a different one soon I hope

Day 23: yes and no. All the trans guys that pass are usually very skinny so I thought I need to be to pass

Day 24: ugh. I can understand if someone is pro Ana to themseleves because uh that's an eating disorder lmao, but if you want to encourage others to starve themselves and be unhealthy? You're fucked up.

Day 25: I have a lot. I can't remember my first experience because it was so long ago but I have the odd memories of purging in fast food places after I was taken out to eat.

Day 26: being good enough and passing

Day 27: I'm okay being around it cause I usually have good self control, I like baking a lot too, and I'll usually eat one or two then leave it.

28: yess. So hoodies will look great on me

29: everything's beautiful on everyone else except for on me so.

30: I'm 17, trans, and a wreck. Also my stats are the same cause I did this in one day lmao

[skruffbag]

I weighed myself this morning and I'm still losing. I'm pretty sure I'll be down more by tomorrow, I've barely eaten today & whatever I did eat - I purged. I'm currently fighting the urge to binge, I'm cold and I would really like some more of the stew my mum made me, with a nice (vegan) buttery piece of bread. But I'm locked in this battle of "eat & purge, and deal with the potential gain tomorrow", OR "Fucking starve you fat bitch." I always end up craving bread and I fucking HATE purging it. This suuuuuucks. I really can't be bothered to purge again today, I know when I'm doing it, it won't be as awful but the anxiety around eating and vomiting is really picking up again. I'm also craving noodles, luckily I don't have any, because I'd probably make like 3986398632938 packets and then want to kill myself. I have vegan meatballs in the freezer, and they sound bomb right now too. WHY AM I SUCH A FAT CUNT OMG. AHHHH.

I might just go make some peppermint tea and smoke a cigarette in the bath to take my mind off fucking food. I really want to bake a cake, or some cookies. I haven't baked anything in forever. Last year I was so caught up in my bulimia that I would just bake, eat, purge, lather, rinse, repeat... most days. Honestly, it's no wonder my weight was fluctuating so much at that time ahaha. I can't wait until I'm back at the point where I can binge/purge & chew/spit pizzas and then fast for 3 days and still lose weight.

I'm seriously impressed with how much weight I'm managing to shed so fast, it's like I did a hard reset and now everything is effective as fuck again. Which is good, because- weight loss, but bad because- addictive and damaging.

I hope E has written on my notes that I'm bulimic so I don't have to sit and explain to a new fucking dentist that I'm fucked in the head. Telling her was embarrassing enough. *gags*

Really isn't any wonder that she wants fuck all to do with me. From turning up with no shoes on, admitting to drug overdoses, telling her the tip of my trauma iceberg, buying her flowers twice, telling her I throw up like... all the time, being blunt, being awkward, being unable to look her in the eyes for more than 0.1 seconds. I'M SUCH A WONDERFUL, FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING... Sykeeeeee.

Gaaah, who fucking cares anyway. I don't want anyone that doesn't want me. I don't need anybody. I don't live for her approval (even tho I kinda do teehee *internal screaming*) I'm okay. Everything is as it should be.

Kinda hate how much I miss her hugs right now though. Fml.

[manicpixiedreamenbie]

DAY FOUR:

What are your greatest fears about weight loss?

Well ironically there are so many fears surrounding my weight loss. I'm afraid I'll lose it too quickly and get loose skin or something, or I'm afraid I won't lose it fast enough.

I'm afraid of seeing in myself the consequences of starving for long periods of time. Afraid to lose my hair, my glow (if there's any of that left), my fertility is a HUGE one. If I lose my ability to make a child I think that would have a very serious toll on my mental health. All I've wanted for years is to experience that bond between a baby and its mother.

I'm afraid I won't keep the weight off and that I'll start all over again, AGAIN.

Afraid someone will try to stop me from losing the weight. Afraid no one will try to stop me. Afraid they won't notice because I'm that invisible even when I'm this huge.

I'll do one a day, leaving out the thiňspò and anything else I feel is a bit too pŕò.

DAY ONE

CW: My Stats

[askjennie]

Hey! So, I don't like how I look. I have some weight to me and I just don't like it. I've gotten really self conscious about it the last few years. Recently, I've gone to buy new jeans and none fit (sizes are weird anyway. One size in a style will be bigger/smaller than the same size diff style). It's discouraging. Jeans that fit nicely makes everything hang over them so I buy bigger sizes so it won't show as much. (PART 1)

Continued: I want to lose weight to look better. But I’m doing it for me not other people. I care what others think of me but cuz I think they’re making fun of me or laughing at me. Not to look good for others. Hope you know what I mean… anyway, I’ve been trying to lose weight for quite a few months (in time for grad) but just couldnt. I tried hard for a bit but got discouraged cuz I didn’t see any changes. I got lazy. My friend was supposed to do this with me but she doesn’t do anything at all.(PART 2)She sits there playing on her phone. I wouldn’t mind, but I have a problem doing anything with other people around. Even if it’s just me and my friend, if she’s not doing anything I feel anxious about everything I do. Even little things. If there’s other people, it just makes it worse. I feel sooo self conscious. I know they’re there for the same thing. But I just feel like I look ridiculous doing whatever I’m doing. (PART 3)How can I get the motivation to work harder and discipline myself into working harder? My grad is next week and I’ve found dresses and skirts I like but I can’t wear them cuz I feel so exposed and that they show every little thing on me. So I have nothing to wear still that I feel comfortable in. Even my everyday clothes i dont feel comfortable wearing. I dread summer cuz i cant wear sweaters. I like being covered. I just want to lose the weight and feel good about myself again… (PART4)

Jennie: I don’t like encouraging people to focus on numbers when it comes to their body, whether that’s weight, or clothes sizes. Those kinds of measurements don’t really give you a true picture of how your body looks and feels. For example, someone with a lot of muscle mass might appear slim and toned, but weigh more than another person who wears a dress size bigger than them. Instead of telling yourself you have to lose a certain number of pounds by next week, or you have to fit into a certain jeans size, focus on how your body feels, and on making long term changes to your lifestyle and your health. There’s no (safe) magical quick fix that will make you lose a lot of weight fast. You may have to make changes to how you eat, and how you move, and commit to maintaining those changes for a long time. 

Eat healthily, and make sure to eat enough. Don’t skip meals, and don’t starve yourself. Just swap out foods you normally eat for healthier alternatives (e.g. snack on fruit instead of cookies). Here’s some NHS guidelines for healthy eating. 

If this friend isn’t a great exercise partner, then stop exercising with her. Maybe there’s another friend who you could work out with, or maybe you’d be better off working out on your own. It’s understandable to be self conscious if you’re somewhere like a gym - I’m sure you’re not the only person there who’s feeling awkward. You’re right, everyone is there for the same thing, and most people are going to be way more focused on what they’re doing than on what you’re doing. But if feeling self conscious is putting you off going altogether, maybe it would be helpful to find a different way of exercising? Maybe something like walking or swimming would feel less awkward, or joining a dance or martial arts class, or doing an activity, like rock climbing, which you might actually enjoy and be more motivated to continue. It’s probably a lot easier to motivate yourself to exercise if you’re not doing something you hate.

Focus on looking after your health, and your body will end up at whatever weight it works best at.