#even if you are a worthless website in the grand scheme of things

[edgybutnotveryedgy]

Me when i find a new unhinged trash anime

[zydrateacademy]

First Impressions - Mount and Blade 2: Bannerlord

(Do I still have anyone reading my stuff? Been a while! I’m sure there’s plenty of games I could have been doing reviews and impressions on... But frankly Tumblr got a bit boring. Them axing nudity was just the start, after that it just became less interesting to browse. Anyway, I’m still active on the likes of Steam and Discord, so if you want to poke me there... lemme know! Anyway...)

This is most certainly an early access review, and it's possible that half of the things I write here will be rendered moot in the coming months. I am also in the process of ordering some new RAM for my computer so this game will likely perform better in another week or two. With those things in mind, I don't want to waste too much time writing a full article-sized review. Instead, I'll just start listing off things I do and don't like. I love the battles! I mean, it's the major gameplay loop of the whole game so it damn well better be enjoyable. The combat itself is a mixed bag, my swings or shots often don't connect when I think they should but that could be a stuttering issue.

I think the ordering of troops could be done with a smoother UI. I'm not sure how, but there is a hell of a learning curve when you want to start ordering each and every type of unit (between infantry, cavalry, and archers)... Trying to tell them all to do different things before your enemies horse army rides up your anus is a chore and a half. And you will eventually have to get them to do other things. Since you're not going to have a full set of cavalry right out of the gate, I found that forcing everyone to charge would leave my dozens of units of infantry behind while my eight or so horse riders get annihilated. So there's that. I like how the game has immediate mod support. There's already a robust community patch and several things available on the Nexus website that can certainly attribute to some quality of life. Simple things like Mixed Gender Troops, and reputation gain when you take out looters. That mode makes chasing looters down slightly more worth your time rather than just training up unused weapon skills (they're not good for much else pretty quickly). My favorite mod so far might be the one that allows cleave damage, without it all of your weapons only hit one enemy at a time. It's saved my ass more than once.

I love the sieges. The mechanics surrounding them have been hit or miss but when it goes well, it feels GREAT. At one point, I was flanking my nation's army (I didn't attach myself to his main force), protecting them while they built up their siege camp. Then I decided to hit the castle and "wait" for the siege to begin, but at the last second... The main army breaks off to fight some defending force, leaving me with the immediate task of fighting off the castle's beefy militia. I lost massively. I like how you don't lose all of your loot when you 'fail', but you do however lose every single one of your troops. I've had to recover about three times now, which is a tedious chore sometimes. On the flip side of that, I am typically an archery. So I helped a battering ram get through by headshot sniping an entire wall's worth of archers. I've been in a single, somewhat evenly matched siege with both armies in the 400's and it was an incredibly intense endeavor. Knowing that reinforcements are a finite resource makes watching the enemy's bar go down all the more satisfying. This is essentially what the Civil War questline in Skyrim was supposed to be, but just didn't have the engine or mechanics to handle it. I like how I'm not a walking god, even with decent armor. I can cut down large swaths of looters on my own (again, thanks to the "cut through everything" mod) but against anything else I actually have to position properly or else I can watch my health melt from arrows. The AI isn't the smartest, but they're not dumb either. I once flanked behind an enemy force but their backline were actually turning around, and backpedaling with their shields up, making my headshots harder to get even though my superior army was advancing on them. What a great feeling to be victorious against an enemy that actually thinks about things like that. I like how dying isn't an instant game over, at least so far. I did uncheck that option. Instead, I'm just captured and hauled away before the game gives me a chance to escape and run off. I don't like graphics, and kind of wish it was prettier for a 2020 game. The foliage and sun shafts are nice and all but the models look a decade old. I've failed an escort quest because I couldn't tell who was who in the town skirmish because the clothing and facial features aren't usually distinct enough.

While I am somewhat indifferent on the XP and leveling system (though there are mods to 'fix' that as well), I actually don't like the percentages on some of the perks. One of the first weapon perks you can get is increasing your damage by... 4%? That's almost nothing in the early game when you're hitting for 20's. At best a few perks in is only giving you 2-4 points of bonus damage, and I know that because the damage alerts in the corner actually tell you. That's... almost worthless in the grand scheme of things. So I wish some of the perks had more meat to them. Speaking of, yes, the game is buggy. I haven't suffered many crashes but I have had a ton of performance issues, which I alluded to in the beginning. Some of the quests don't function properly, and some of the perks don't work without mods (like being able to use Longbows on horseback). Again, the plague of early access. The good news is, beneath the problems is a functional and incredibly fun game. I don't fully understand what is making me enjoy this so much, but I'll have plenty of time of introspection in the coming months as the devs continue to work on fixing things. I do not regret this purchase at all, and that's coming from someone who has been burned by early access a few too many times.

[sgtxpreacher]

headcanon: jake + mental illness/specifically cyclothymia (aka this is almost 1500 words and it doesn’t even cover everything)

part i. the meta of how i even wound up with this headcanon

so mental illness I’ve covered a lot before on this blog re: Jake + PTSD and Jake + alcoholism, though more in general blog content than particular headcanon posts. but, in case you’re new to this blog and haven’t had time to swing over to my about page, let me catch you up quickly: Jake has PTSD connected to his time spent fighting the Cybermen, and his already heavy drinking habits turned to alcoholism after he returned to London. (he insists, if pressed, that he’s a functional alcoholic, but that also depends on how you define functional. can he hold down a job? yes. is part of the reason he can hold down this job because Pete Tyler is lenient when he disappears on a bender for two days? yes.)

however, something’s been nagging at me since... pretty much the first iteration of this blog, I think. I think I originally tried writing Jake as having comorbid PTSD and depression, but I don’t think that worked very well, in part because I was relatively young when I started writing Jake and was still learning how to write effectively and respectfully about mental illness, and in part because it simply didn’t fit with how I wanted to portray Jake. he had depressive episodes, but not to the extent that would seem to fall under clinical depression. early on in this blog, I toyed around with the idea of Jake having ADHD; it seemed to fit some aspects of how I wanted to portray him, but again, it seemed like I’d be adding in symptoms to go “look he has ADHD!!” rather than letting them arise more naturally from the character. which may sound like a weird thing, but having written Jake off and on for four years, I feel pretty set in my characterization of his behavior, even if the details of backstory, likes, dislikes, etc. may change. and writing him as having ADHD still just didn’t feel right, especially since it felt like I would be constantly forgetting about it and having to think about it almost as a separate concern from the character – which just doesn’t feel like the write way to write about mental health to me. (and if you keep forgetting about a major headcanon, it’s probably not a very strong one.)

so, back to the drawing board. for a long time now, i think my mental picture of jake’s mental health has gone something like ‘PTSD + alcoholism + ??????? generally unhealthy coping mechanisms ????? other forms of addiction ?????’ i occasionally (quietly) tossed other headcanons at myself to see if they stuck, but nothing did.

and then i remembered that cyclothymia exists. it’s not as well-known as some other mood disorders and is easily misdiagnosed or underdiagnosed, but it’s one that i’ve grown up seeing in members of my close family (though i didn’t know the official diagnostic label until a few years ago,) and i decided to do a little research. and, rather than feeling like i was adding additional symptoms onto my portrayal of jake to fit a Specific Diagnosis, it felt more like something that helped categorize and explain headcanons i already had, and help me realize other places in his characterization that might be expanded upon. maybe that’s a weird thing. i don’t know. but i think i’m keeping this headcanon.

part ii. so what is cyclothymia, you may ask the college student using this post in part to procrastinate on doing her homework

since people don’t always know what cyclothymia is, let’s explain it a little. (please keep in mind i’m not a mental health professional; the research i’ve done draws on personal observation, reading first-hand narratives of dealing with cyclothymia, and official diagnostic manuals/medical sources i’ve managed to find on the internet. i’ve tried to make sure they’re reputable, but i can’t make guarantees. if there’s any part of this post you think is wildly inaccurate or offensive or something along those lines, please let me know.)

cyclothymia (also known as cyclothymic disorder) lies on the spectrum of bipolar disorders, and could be considered a milder form of bipolar i and ii (though it’s important to note that milder does not mean mild. while some people can manage their symptoms without a therapist or medication, that doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily easy to live with.) it’s characterized by hypomanic periods and chronic periods of mild-moderate depression (also known as dysthymia) that occur semi-frequently (though i’m still trying to work out exactly what’s meant by ‘semi-frequently.’) 

here’s a list of some symptoms to start us off with, though of course not every person with cyclothymia experiences all these symptoms or all in the same ways. (and i grabbed this from the mayo clinic website for purposes of expedience.)

hypomania

An exaggerated feeling of happiness or well-being (euphoria)

Extreme optimism

Inflated self-esteem

Talking more than usual

Poor judgment that can result in risky behavior or unwise choices

Racing thoughts

Irritable or agitated behavior

Excessive physical activity

Increased drive to perform or achieve goals (sexual, work related or social)

Decreased need for sleep

Tendency to be easily distracted

Inability to concentrate

dysthymia or depressive symptoms

Feeling sad, hopeless or empty

Tearfulness

Irritability, especially in children and teenagers

Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable

Changes in weight

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

Sleep problems

Restlessness

Fatigue or feeling slowed down

Problems concentrating

Thinking of death or suicide

i’ve also seen a couple of first-hand accounts mention that the depression experienced in cyclothymia tends to be atypical depression rather than melancholic depression. so, a tendency for excessive sleep rather than insomnia, increased appetite rather than loss of appetite, and still experiencing mood reactivity to environmental circumstances – mood reactivity being a major differentiator. something good happening can still cause a positive uptick in mood, but when the mood drops again, it drops into a depressive state rather than what one might consider the baseline mood (if i’m understanding this correctly; if you know otherwise, please feel free to shout.) there are a couple of other symptoms (increased sensitivity to rejection, a physical feeling of being weighed down or paralyzed, etc.) but that probably sums it up for our purposes.

part iii. so how does this actually tie into actual headcanons, raptor???

taking into consideration we’re (in this case) talking about a fictional character, and given that people (fictional or no) aren’t just a walking list of symptoms, how does this tie into the context of jake’s life? i wrote down some thoughts. 

jake’s been living with cyclothymia since he was a teenager. it runs on his father’s side of the family to varying degrees, but none of them have ever been given an official diagnosis. it’s just common family knowledge that simmonds men (some simmonds women, too, including jake’s aunt evie) have a “switch” in their head that sometimes just flicks off or on.

has never been diagnosed with cyclothymia, nor does he know that it exists (he’s got a pretty vague idea of mood disorders in general)

the same therapist who diagnosed him with PTSD misdiagnosed him with depression. he was put on antidepressants. they triggered a hypomanic episode. he stopped going to therapy and taking medication (partially in an instance of “i’m fine, i don’t need any help” fueled in part by his general stubborness and reluctance to accept help, fueled in part by exaggerated feelings of his own well-being.) in the grand scheme of things, it was not a good time, and it contributed to his eventual decision to quit therapy and quit medications.)

instead, he self-medicates with alcohol and nicotine. (in university, he also smoked weed every once in a while, but he kicked that habit in jail.) alcohol continues to not mix well with his brain chemistry, and can trigger (usually short) depressive episodes. he usually dismisses these as really bad hangover blues.

most notable major depressive episodes have been after returning to london at the end of the cyber wars, and after journey’s end. both were triggered (in part) by feelings of Well, The World’s Safe, What Point Does My Life Have Now? the first one was exacerbated by being wheelchair-bound and recovering from major injuries; exercise is a really important part of his routine and helps ground him, so being left without it at the same time as a major depressive episode hit was not at all good. not to mention feeling like the cause he’d spent years of his life working for – and risking his life for – was suddenly being dismissed by politicians who never bothered to speak with anyone directly involved in stopping the cybermen. the second one, post-journey’s end, was exacerbated by the major shake-up to his support system that mickey leaving caused, then further exacerbated by the bender he went on shortly thereafter. the first time, and possibly the second, he had suicidal ideations, though he’s never made an attempt.

his struggles with mood stability became worse in general after the war; he attributes this to PTSD.

during hypomanic episodes, his sleep habits fall to shit. (i mean, he doesn’t sleep well most of the time, but it’s particularly pronounced then.) he’ll feel well-rested and alert after four hours of sleep, wake up, go on a run, look over case files from work, go on another run (generally with a camera to do some photography in the early-morning light,) get distracted flicking through his photographs in the middle of making breakfast and end up with burned eggs, etc. he’s more likely to go out clubs than he usually is (which is... already almost a weekly occurrence, so it does not do good things for his rate of alcohol consumption)

alternatively, there’s that fun combination of irritability + poor judgment + extreme optimism, which in jake’s case leads to things like bar fights, getting on pete tyler’s nerves, dangerous motorcycle driving, and picking a fight with his friends over relatively minor issues. (he usually ends up apologizing for the last one, though sometimes only a week later.) (also ought to note that jake doesn’t just get into fights when in a hypomanic period; it would happen anyway, even if he didn’t have cyclothymia. jake’s mental health issues may affect or compound upon the ways in which he expresses aggression, but they’re not the root of him being prone to aggressive behavior. this has been your reminder that equating mental illnesses with violent behavior is gross and stigmatizing.)

more headcanons will probably end up coming up later, but these are the main things i wanted to talk about for now! if you read through all this, i congratulate you. if you have any feedback, i would love to hear it! especially if there are any places in this where the language that i’ve used is inaccurate or disrespectful; i’m continually learning, so please let me know if there is anything i need to improve upon!