#even if nobody reads it which i dont expect anyone to holy shit

[retiredtothebriars]

@tradedsymmetry​ was interested in hearing my thoughts on different qualities of music (thank you!!) so on these things I brought up in the tags, plz excuse the thought dump: Melody I can’t explain why melody is so important to me, I think this is a very personal thing. Maybe because my mum only had two albums, a Michael Jackson album and an ABBA compilation album. I went for the ABBA album, but idk if it was innate because from the beginning my favourite song was Chiquitita, which is probably one of their richest in melody. I like that kind of “soaring” melody - it feels like it just lifts your whole spirit with it. My fave Perfume Genius is full of it and he knows how to orchestrate it to maximise those. All my favourite artists write great melodies.. Beirut - Zach Condon has talked a lot about how melody coming first for him. You can’t understand him half the time. Cocteau Twins! You can’t understand them all the time. Sigur Ros! Even Fall Out Boy as my first favourite band - the melodies on FUCT and IOH are gorgeous and I don’t think they would have been my favourite band otherwise. MCR similarly. Death Cab’s Plans is so simple but so moving and I think it was mainly the melody (and the lyrics). Rhythm is entwined with melody but I’m not as aware of it unless I hate it (I hate a constant crotchet/half note melody, it’s like banging your head against a wall. Oddly, although my partner is a drummer, he seems not to be bothered by this at all). There are a few notable instances though. I love when everything just stops. And there’s something incredibly satisfying about triplets. That opening rhythm from Be My Baby by The Ronettes I think is one of the most striking and eternally referenced rhythms. And speaking of the Ronettes, I wish harmonies were more at the forefront these days. I have to mention the Beach Boys if I’m talking about melodies and harmonies don’t I? Anyway melody is just absolutely indispensable to me. Many people have recommended to me Beach Fossils for the vibe and the vibe is solid but the melodies are bland to me (soz). If I don’t like the melody I simply don’t fill connected to the song.

Tonality and chord progressions

Now here I really wish I knew more about chords but I only have the knowledge of a music school dropout. There are some chord progressions that are SO beautiful, and I wish I could identify them. I will happily eat up that 1-4-5-1. But a beautiful chord progression can really make a moment. The Libertines/Peter Doherty’s bands have gorgeous traditional chord progressions...I feel like there’s something bluesy about them that makes them so but I’m not sure. Mitski REALLY opened my mind with her unusual - I don’t know if these are  chord progressions or just dissonances - on Geyser and A Pearl. It’s so powerful. I’ve always leaned towards the minor keys. I find something kind of sickly about the major keys and a complete lack of dissonance. I hate Mozart. I find it childish. Too much dissonance is intimidating and alienating, and requires work. I (affectionately) hate Bartok. Debussy is that beautiful middle ground for me. So for contemporary artists I name Owen Pallett and Bjork. I’m on my 5th listen of Fossora and I feel as though my ears are finally accepting it. In addition to dissonance, there is plain singing and playing off key. PAVEMENT - how do they do it and sound so good? Going back to melody - I want to mention Dirty Projectors here because they have some of the weirdest and most dissonant melodies and harmonies I have ever heard, in addition to being incredibly sparsely textured. I am constantly in awe of how it works together. Vibe - timbre, texture These three things really give an artist their unique sound. I think for me that the vibe of a song is a very transporting thing. There are artists I listen to with the intention of being taken somewhere, or some time - Hawk and A Hacksaw, Beach House, The Cure, New Order, Wavves.

I remember being completely taken by Not Sure by Hatchie feeling like I was in a Lizzie McGuire movie, in a more compelling way than any of the actual songs in Lizzie McGuire movies - I think this is a notable song because those other aspects like melody and rhythm aren’t so strong on this song but the vibe is SO strong (and I am SO disappointed by the rest of that album). But I will happily listen to a song that doesn’t have a strong vibe. Vocals This is mostly timbre but I’ve also been thinking about this lately since someone posted about it - I appreciate when artists aren’t afraid to not sound pretty. Screaming, crying, etc. makes me scream, cry, etc. I refer to my fever dream obsession with Pulp. Honorable mention - Conor Oberst/Bright eyes. Dashboard Confessional. Actually, yeah a lot of emo bands hahaa I feel like most bands will Go For It live though. Production On thinking more about this, I think production may be one of those aspects you don’t appreciate unless it’s really really bad (unless you make music yourself). When it’s so terrible you can’t hear any of the other qualities of the song properly or it’s so clean and squeaky it’s cloying. Absolutely absolutely hate when a heavy band has clean production. Why does your distortion sound manufactured. wtf Lyrics Now I appreciate lyrics but it’s completely dispensable to me. I’ve noticed this lately - there are some lyrics I hold so highly eg, Paterson & Leo by Pinegrove - but when I go to look at them, I’m surprised at how simple and un-evocative they are on the page. I still think these are great lyrics - but they need the melody to bring them to life. Another one of my favourite songs goes here - Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks. would love to hear your thoughts too. anyway this just makes me so excited to listen to new music!!!!

[violetnotez]

Big Bro Dabi- (PLATONIC) Dabi x Reader

Anonymous: I saw request were opened and i wanted to request a dabi related one. It could be HC or a short story its all up to you, but what about the reader kinda of being a little sister to dabi? (Not by blood ) like she was a villain herself in the league and dabi and her get close and form a close brother sister bond, but after a mission shes left behind and captured by the heros what happens from there is up to you! But i always wanted to see how dabi would be in the role of a big bro

Omg anon this is such a cool idea I read this and I am completely in love with a big brother Dabi!!!

I broke this up into a mini fic, HC, and then the request is at the bottom (cause I may or may not have gone a little overboard with the idea *u*)

Also- this is a completely PLATONIC bother and sister relationship between y/n and Dabi, nothing romantic at all!

(RULES  | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

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How You Met:

“Don't touch me!” the girl pleaded frantically, her hands and face covered in dirt and soot, her clothes tattered.

Dani stared at her terrified face, confusion riddled in his brows.

She didn’t look scared of him, no-she was scared of herself. Her arms were riddled with cuts and bruises from her quirk-she obviously didn’t have control over it.

A memory flitted into his body, making his body cringe from pain-he remembered when he couldn’t control his quirk, the effects of that permanently set into his skin.

He looked at the girl, empathy he hadn’t felt in a very long time filling his stomach. He crouched down, holding out a scarred hand.

The girl stared at him with shocked, tear stained eyes.

“Didn’t you listen to me?!?” you yelled, panic in your voice, “I said don’t touch me-I’m dangerous!”

“What’s so bad about being dangerous?” Dabi questioned, making you go silent.

“Your quirk isn’t a bad thing,” he continued, “it’s just powerful.”

He gave himself a small minute to think-if you could join the League and control that quirk of yours, you could be a good asset to the team. It was powerful, and even though you didnt have a handle on it right now, didnt mean you couldnt learn how to.

“Come with me,” he commanded gently, “I can help you-you won’t hurt yourself anymore.”

You kept staring at his hand, the purple skin becoming a blur in your tears.

“But I’ll hurt you.”

He chuckled darkly, shaking his head. 

“You won’t-you see how scarred my skin is? That’s because I couldn’t control my quirk either-the scarred skin doesn’t feel sensations all too well. But I learned though, and I'm fine.  And you will too-just take my hand. I promise you’ll be okay.”

You stared at his face, your chest heavily slightly with the comforting thought of being with someone who finally wanted to help you, and who understood what you were going through.

You slowly took his hand, allowing him to help you from the ground.

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Big Brother Dabi HC

Nobody knew how overprotective Dabi would be

He’s very good at giving you space, but if he sees any man so much as glance at you

He is going to give them a glare that could kill

It probably can

Pray for the boys that try to flirt or ask you out

You will have to literally restrain Dabi because he will want to char them to a crisp

Is a total dick all the time

Like he will randomly snatch up your phone and hold it up because he is a GIANT and smirk at you as you try and get it back

Will scold you for using cuss words but will use them himself

Hates seeing you cry- he will let you cry in peace first and then come after with your fav food and will listen to what’s wrong

If somebody actually made you cry- Jesus Christ he will find them and hurt them so bad they will have to go to the ER

This man dont play around

You and Toga will most likely be super close like sisters and all three of you will be wrecking havoc

You and Toga have begged Dabi to let you two do his makeup 

Always tells you straight up “Hell no”

Doesn’t mean you won’t put it on his face when he sleeps right?

Almost burnt your face off when he woke up and found himself gliterry eyeliner and lipstick

Asks you for help when he dyes his hair and you have to get a step stool to reach his head

He is so TALLLLL

Is constantly forcing you to train 

He knows you hate it and he isn’t very fond of it either but it’s good bonding time

But he’s just terrified he’ll lose you in battle one day and he can’t even stand the idea of it

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FIC: Getting Taken Hostage By the Heroes

“Holy shit-Dabi!” you gasped, pointing at the bodies coming towards you ,the sound of poilce sirens filling the air.

Dabi followed your outstretched finger, seeing why you were so worried- you two had been cornered in a matter of seconds.

“How the hell did they figure out our plan?” Dabi asked as you both broke out in a run, trying to get hidden in the trees of the forest you were currently in.

Shigaraki had split up the League earlier in order to get a better success of the mission- Him and Black Mist would be giving commands, while Toga and Twice actually went in to do the dirty work of the mission. All you and Dabi had to do was keep watch outside, something you both found insignificant and boring. But you didn't expect the police to show up, let alone the Heroes.

“How the hell- am I supposed to know?!” you panted, trying to keep up with Dabi’s pace. “We just need to get out-”

Footsteps were getting louder behind you, shouts of the Heroes trying to follow your path making your heart beat reverently against your rib cage. You didn't want to think about getting caught by the heroes- you knew they couldn't do anything to harm you, it was against their whole moral basis for their profession, but the thought of going on trial and dealing with not being free to do what you wanted made your spine shiver. You would never let somebody control your life- you’d rather die than do that.

Dabi kept on running, the night making it hard to see in front of him. He secretly felt grateful for having such a tall stature, because he was able to run quickly and get some distance with the heroes. You, though, weren't so lucky- he was hoping that you were holding up and able to follow him, even if you had a hard time keeping up. The heroes sounded to be getting closer, and he couldn't help but feel a small jolt of fear: if they caught him or you, you both would be done for, and he couldn't stand the idea of you getting caught-

A scream filled the night air, making his blood run cold.

“DABI!” you shrieked, feeling a rough hand wrap around your arm. One of the heroes had finally caught up to you, using his powerful strength to pull you from running back to Dabi. 

Dabi swiveled around, unable to find you. God damn it- he should have checked to make sure you were right behind him. What the hell was he thinking? Dabi cursed at himself, panic and fury filling in his stomach as he heard his name being screamed again.

He looked at the trees, trying to figure out which opening would lead to you. Why the hell did you have to get caught?

He quickly decided on a direction, going into a sprint as anger began to rise in his stomach. Whoever caught you and was making you that scared was going to fucking pay- nobody hurt the people he loved.

Dabi had begun to regard you like a sister, seeing alot of himself in you: you at first had trouble controlling your quirk, making you feel terrified of yourself and weak. But as he began to train you, he realized he found himself growing to like you: you were snarky, sarcastic as hell, and silly enough to even make him chuckle a little. You were beginning to be something of a little sister to him, and he was willing to do anything to protect you.

“Stop squirming!” the hero commanded, his strength making your arm begin to tingle with pain.

“Go to hell!” you spat back, not caring you were being disrespectful. 

“DABI!” you screamed again, continuing to fight against the hero. You felt trapped, like a prey getting caught by a predator.

You heard another pair of feet run behind you, your heart sinking seeing that they were not Dabi’s but yet another Hero.

“You caught one of them?” the new comer asked, making you shoot daggers into their eyes.

“Yes, but she’s not cooperating,” the other struggled to say as you fought against their grip.

The new Hero looked at your with scorn, your desperate attempts to flee making him frown.

“Maybe some time at the station will make them calm down,” they commented, the other nodding in agreement.

You eyes became wide with fear, your stomach feeling heavy. 

“Your both fucking hilarious, thinking I’m going to go there! Your asses are going to be dead!” you retorted, making them both a little shocked you would so outright cuss them out. 

“I’d watch your mouth-”

“Lets just take her!” the other interrupted his comrade, the latter grunting in distatse as they began to drag you away.

Fear erupted in your stomach as you were unable to get yourself away from the Heroes. You refused to get taken by them- you weren't going without a fight. You began clawing and kicking like an animal, not caring you were most likely hurting the Hero.

“Dabi! DABI!” you screamed out again- he wasnt that far away when you had gotten caught- he was okay right?- he heard you, didnt he?- he couldnt have gotten caught-

The new comer looked back, throwing a confused dirty look at your struggling form. “Who is she even calling to?”

The hero holding onto you stopped abruptly, looking at a figure in front of him.

The other noticed his sudden change, looking over his shoulder to find himself face to face with Dabi, his lazy smirk sending a wave of comfort to envelope your body.

“She’s calling for me,” he answered, his voice steady and strong. “Now, if you let her ago, you two wont get hurt- that bad.”

“You really think we’d give up that easy?! You’re crazy,” the newcomer retorted, taking on a battle stance.

You stared at Dabi, the pain in your arm pulsing as you watched his expression. Fear began to ripple inside you- to anyone who saw Dabi, he looked calm and collected- bored even. But you knew him too well- the clench in his jaw and the fire in his eyes told you he was furious, and when he was furious, he wasnt afraid to kill.

“Alright,” he shrugged, rolling his eyes, “suit yourself.”

Just then, you felt the intense grip on your arm release, the hero cryng out in pain as his arm became painted with his own blood. You looked to your side, hearing the manic giggles of Toga as she hide in the trees, her knives glinting in the moonlight. Twice then tackled the latter Hero, making them curse as they fought with the multitude of clones he created.

A smile enveloped on your face- you were safe. Your friends had your back.

Your vision became to froth with purple and black mist, knowing full well that Kurogiri was close by as your body began to sink into his portal-like quirk. You noticed the others began to do the same, Toga slinking in to her own with a love sink grin with Twice following behind.

Only Dabi didnt step into his own.

 Just before you fully submerged,  you watched Dabi look at the battered heroes with hatred. He raised his scarred hand, your vision turning a dangerous color of fiery blue as he activated his quirk, painting the night icy white.

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[swampgallows]

like this shit is so long

Only once Jaina was back in her own rooms in Theramore, and her head had begun to cool off from the madness – indeed, wild hope, chilling fears, joy and a thousand other emotions spinning through her head, only one step from insanity – only then did she remember that she had forgot to ask one important question, and it froze the grin on her face.

Something so small but so important to the culture she grew up in – even stricter than normal for her, a woman of such a fine family line. Something so small, so ridiculous even, but not dismissible and it had haunted her only in its current form in peaceful times. There had been no time for it before, not when her life took plunges – I will be a mage, a scholar dedicated to study and magic to We may not be alive tomorrow and onwards through We are alive and building a new home.

She stared out of one of the window of her chambers, without really seeing anything. Unwittingly, one of her hands went to her stomach.

Only after the chaos she found herself the owner of her own throne, and with that, being a person who was expected to eventually produce an heir who could sit on that throne later on.

Before that, she had only been haunted by regret and bitterness, and the memory of sweet whispers, of fingertips and warmth that had turned colder than ice. Both of them young and foolish, knowing they were as good as betrothed – it would only be a few words away, the match was suitable even in a politician's eye – but duty called him, and magic her. And then he turned into the greatest evil to walk Azeroth, barring Archimonde and his ilk.

Bitterness and regret being mere personal torture, but with her current position the problem became a tangible… inconvenience to say the least. Before, she may have pushed it aside and felt that she would face it the day she had a suitable suitor.

And how long ago was it, young lady, that you could bear thinking of anyone but him touching you?

this shit is so fucking long and it doesn’t say anything new. there are three different paragraphs talking about “before” but it’s not for emphasis and it doesn’t provide any new information. if i were the editor, i would do this:

HAHAHA OH HOLY SHIT I GOT ON MY LAPTOP AND THIS WAS THE LAST THING ON MY CLIPBOARD HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

anyway my edit would be like

Only once Jaina was back in her own rooms in Theramore, and her head had begun to cool off from the madness – indeed, wild hope, chilling fears, joy and a thousand other emotions spinning through her head, only one step from insanity – only then did she remember that she had forgot[en] to ask one important question[.] and it froze [T]he grin on her face [froze].

Something so small but so important to the culture she grew up in – even stricter than normal for her, a woman of such a fine family line. Something so small, so ridiculous even, but not dismissible and it had haunted her only in its current form in peaceful times. There had been no time for it before, not when her life took plunges – I will be a mage, a scholar dedicated to study and magic to We may not be alive tomorrow and onwards through We are alive and building a new home.

She [blankly] stared out of one of the window of her chambers, without really seeing anything. Unwittingly, one of her hands went to her stomach.

Only after the chaos she found herself the owner of her own throne, and with that, being a person who was expected to eventually produce an heir who could sit on that throne later on.

Before that, she had only been haunted by regret and bitterness, and the memory of sweet whispers, of fingertips and warmth that had turned colder than ice. Both of them young and foolish, knowing they were as good as betrothed – it would only be a few words away, the match was suitable even in a politician's eye – but duty called him, and magic her. And then he turned into the greatest evil to walk Azeroth, barring Archimonde and his ilk.

Bitterness and regret being mere personal torture, but with her current position the problem became a tangible… inconvenience[,] to say the least. Before, she may have pushed it aside and felt that she would face it the day she had a suitable suitor.

And how long ago was it, young lady, that you could bear thinking of anyone but him touching you?

like so much of this is just not contributing anything. it’s a fic, we already know who these characters are, and there was already a previous chapter before this detailing jaina’s situation and hyjal and everything else. all of it is really implicit that she forgot to ask thrall if he wanted kids, it doesn’t need the like three paragraphs of Jaina is a Human Female and Expected to Have Children. this isnt an alien species being introduced to us like most couplings in azeroth bring up children as a factor. 

i dunno like i know people write fic for fun but this shit is 100k and when there is this much unnecessary detail it’s hard to see the forest for the trees as it were, and it makes it a slog to get through. i also dont “speed read” because most of my reading has been academic where every single word counts, and part of me feels like it’s disrespectful to the author. like they put these words down to be read, and so i will read them, but that’s also the way i’ve been trained to read.  also since i spent most of my schooling reading stuff like shakespeare or canterbury tales or les miserables you have to stop like every five syllables to look shit up or derive some kind of analysis unless it’s a modern adaptation that doesnt require any “translation” necessarily.  

basically like. writing is fun but editing is important. more people will read your fic when it isn’t 30% filler. and ive complained about it before but like word count doesnt have any fucking bearing at all on the quality of writing. in fact, when i see ship fics that skyrocket to like 150k words in a handful of chapters im like dang bitch you cant write for shit!!! if you cant get across what you wanna say in that amount of words and youre STILL not done it means you gotta pare some shit down. 

it’s why i prefer writing over talking EVERY time because i KNOW i ramble irl. and in a casual setting like this, a blog post, i of course will ramble here too. but in writing??? writing that people read? everything you write should convey something and drive your story forward. every sentence you type is communicating something. if you get through the whole paragraph and all you can extract from it is “jaina realizes motherhood is a possibility again”, it needs to say something more. i mean this is all just my opinion but like it’s so important to the tone of your writing.

i remember when i was reading the shining, and early on in the story jack is being instructed in the boiler room. and the attendant or janitor or whatever you’d call him goes on for a HUGE block of text of all the mechanisms and step-by-step explains each and every facet of the machinery, how to use it, what it’s for. there aren’t even indents in the paragraph. and then it mentions off-handedly how jack was giving quick responses like “yup”, “uh-huh”, shit like that. i mean it’s been a few years since i read it so im paraphrasing. but that part of the book stood out to me because it was so immersive. the way it was written and the way the information was being relayed was specifically to bore the reader, to put them in jack’s position, and also maybe intimidate them a little bit. and of course it was foreshadowing, too, when later in the story jack is struggling with the boiler, and i actually went and flipped back to the instructions earlier in the book to review what jack was supposed to do. and then i thought, “boy, i bet jack wished he was me right now, because i have everything all written down!” 

but anyway, like. that’s good writing. that’s using the medium of text to its advantage to communicate on a meta-level how the audience should feel, and that we are all jack in that moment, being told a huge laundry list of shit we have to do—being paid to do, our sole responsibility on this job—and totally mentally checking out. i LOVE jaina, and i LOVE thrall, but the way this fic is written portrays them both as totally spaced out, completely unsympathetic characters. what i read above isn’t communicating jaina’s trauma to me; it sounds condescending, like she’s such an air-headed dim bulb that she forgot to ask her new husband if he wanted kids.

and the “proposal” was like... extremely awkward? i mean maybe that’s what the author is going for but thrall being basically like “uhh i guess? yeah i guess.” and then it says they talked for an hour but couldnt stay longer than that because they’re both leaders and couldn’t stay away too long. like... i feel like this is supposed to be a pretty important thing? marriage? it’s the setup for the whole fic and it’s played so... underwhelmingly. which i dont feel is intentional.

I KNOW it’s just a fic and i’m being very critical but it’s just like damn everybody bitches about blizzard’s “bad writing” but then nobody steps up to the plate. :\ i dunno how anybody spends so much time reading fanfiction when most of it is such a fucking chore to read. god i hope my story isnt like that.

[sadprose-auroras]

‘About Time’ - Roger TaylorxFem!Reader (Part 1)

A/N: Hello my darlings! I can’t decide if I hate this or not, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue writing this, depends on the response. Please let me know if you want me to continue it (it would probably require way more parts, like a full on series). Hope you enjoy! - Also, this can apply to Ben Hardy’s portrayal of Roger. Whatever you prefer!

(This was totally inspired by a couple time travel fics I read a few weeks ago, I can’t remember the authors or the names but all credits to them for the time travel idea…. LOVE. IT. I just HAD to write my own, crappier version)

Find my other works here!

 You sunk to the floor, your knees giving out beneath you. You felt ridiculous, curling up in a ball, in your wardrobe, but you had reached your breaking point; everything had suddenly hit you. As you hugged your knees, sobbing, your jeans became tear-soaked. Your mind wandered, as your cheeks flamed in embarrassment and shame about your current state, despite nobody being around. How did you get here? A few months ago, your life was great. You had a great job, a great circle of friends and boyfriend, and you were pursuing your passion; studying fashion design. Then, everything began to crumble around you. All your friends turned on you, you got fired, and your studies began to slip as a result, causing you to fail an exam.  

 If all that wasn’t bad enough, you found out your boyfriend of two years had been cheating on you for a year and 11 months. Go figure. It was as if the universe was playing some long, cruel joke on you, just to see how long before you gave up on trying to pursue any kind of happiness. Just as you came to the conclusion that you really had nothing to fight for, leaning your head back on the wall behind you and closing your eyes, the strangest feeling overcame you. Your head began to spin, and pins and needles covered your entire body. You tried to open your eyes, to move your body, but you were frozen. Your heart rate increased rapidly, and you began to think that this was really it. Whatever was happening, you were going to die. Strangely enough, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.  

 By some miracle, everything stopped. The pins and needles ceased, and, save a throbbing headache, you felt much better. You experimentally wiggled your toes, and you had feeling back again. Hesitantly, you opened your eyes, looking around you. It was dark, but you could make out the shapes of the clothes hanging around you. Oddly, you didn’t recognise any of them. The chair that was next to you when you closed your eyes was gone, replaced by a shoe rack.  

You stood up, closed your eyes again and rubbed your temples, trying to rid of the probable hallucinations. You racked your brain, thinking back to when you studied psychosis in high school. You couldn’t remember a thing. Was temporary paralysis a symptom? 

 You decided you needed to call a doctor. You pulled your iPhone out of your pocket, still in the dark, and opened up safari. You had no wifi, and no reception. Frowning, you opened the wardrobe door, the knob feeling unfamiliar, to be greeted by a figure doing the same. The door swung open suddenly, bouncing on its hinges.

 You both screamed loudly, and, without looking at the figure in front of you, you tried to push past to get away, however, a hand gripped you and pulled you back. 

 Your eyes became fixed on the man in front of you. You frowned, unable to tear your eyes off him. The hallucinations were getting worse; you were conjuring up images of people in your home. Hang on. You knew his face all too well; you had spent hours watching him drum and sing at concerts on YouTube. It couldn’t be, could it?

 “Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe!?” he asked, releasing his grip on you. You winced, rubbing where his fingernails had dug into you. This was all too much.

 “I should be asking you the same thing, why are you in my house? What’s going on?” you looked around the room, expecting to see your familiar bedroom; your posters plastered around the walls, your colourful duvet, and your plush white carpet. Instead, the walls were empty, the duvet was blue, and the carpet was grey.

 “I need to sit down,” you said, overwhelmed, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. You glanced up at the man in front of you, his expression still shocked and wide-eyed, as he looked you up and down, his brows furrowing. 

 “God, you seem so real,” you laughed. “But there’s no way.”“What the fuck do you mean?” he replied. “I know I’m real, but I can’t say the same about you. I’ve never known anyone who can just appear out of thin air,” he shook his head in disbelief. 

 You frowned, rubbing your hands through your hair. “What do you mean, I appeared out of thin air?” your stomach began to sink. For reasons you couldn’t explain, something else was going on. Something much weirder than you initially thought.

 “Well, I don’t see how you could have got into my wardrobe without me seeing. I’ve been in my room for 20 minutes.” You glanced at his legs, frowning. What kind of person wears flared jeans anymore? 

 “I, um,” you began, a laugh escaping your lips despite yourself. This was all too ridiculous. You were actively avoiding eye contact with him. You figured if you acknowledged that it was him, at that age, in front of you, this would all go away. It was impossible. Suddenly, it all came together, as shocking as it was. It wasn’t him that was in the wrong place, it was you. This wasn’t your house. You had no wifi or reception. And, Roger Taylor, looking as he did circa 1972, was right in front of you. Had you time travelled? Your head span at the possibility. What else could explain these strange occurrences? 

 “What year is it?” you asked, this time properly meeting his eyes this time. Photos didn’t do the real thing justice; his baby blue eyes were maintaining steady eye contact with you, his lips were slightly parted, and his hair looked so soft and angelic. He was insanely beautiful. You internally cursed yourself. Now was definitely not the time.  

“1972…” he said, becoming even more confused. Your theory was confirmed. You’d watched all of the Back to the Future movies countless times, but you’d never imagined anything like that could ever really happen. Especially to you; plain, boring, old you. 

 “I know you’re probably not inclined to believe the crazy girl from your wardrobe, but I think,” you bit your lip, concerned at how he would take the news. “I think I’m from the future.” 

----------

 “So, you’re telling me you didn’t do anything for this to actually happen?” Roger asked. After trying to explain to him a million times, that yes, you were in fact just as confused as him, and no, you didn’t climb through his window, you tried to remain patient. He had every right to be confused as hell, you would definitely react the same if you were in his shoes. Despite this though, he was oddly trusting, allowing you to remain in his house and actually giving you the time of day to explain your side of the story. He even offered you a glass of water and something to eat, which you accepted gratefully. You were starving. 

 “Yes, I was literally just in my wardrobe, then the next thing I knew we were screaming in each other’s faces.” 

 “How do I know you’re telling the truth? You don’t seem very sane so far. I’m going to need some proof. You could just be a crazy girl who will do anything to sleep with me,” he smirked. You rolled your eyes. So the stories were true, he really was cocky.

 “Don’t flatter yourself, Taylor,” you retorted. “And no,” you said quickly, as he opened his mouth to speak, “I don’t know your surname because I’m a crazy stalker.” Your mind wandered to your extensive Queen record and CD collection. Okay, so maybe you were a little, but he didn’t need to know that. 

 “I know because Queen makes it big. I mean, massive.” You bit your lip nervously. If Back to the Future taught you anything, nobody should know too much about their own future. For the first time in your life, you had to think about what you said before you said it.

“How can I convince you?” you asked.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “What year do you claim to come from, anyway?”

“2019,” you bit your lip. 

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Am I….?”

 “Still alive? Yeah.” Suddenly, you had an idea. You pulled your phone out of your pocket, thankful it was still charged. You turned it on, the time and date you had left still displayed on the screen (18th January 2019, 11:00), in front of a picture of Queen from 1975. You turned the screen towards him. 

 “Holy shit, is that me?” he gasped, leaning forward. “2019.” He looked up at you, and you shrugged and nodded. You were thankful he didn’t know the implications of having a picture of somebody as your lockscreen. 

 “There’s something else,” you unlocked your phone, opening music and searching for ‘Doing Alright.’ You pressed play, the song pouring out of the speakers.

Yesterday, my life was in ruin

Now today, I know what I’m doing… 

“Oh my god, that’s our song! We haven’t even released it yet.” He chuckled. You couldn’t help but grin at his excitement, encapsulated by his gorgeous smile. 

 “Wanna hear more?” you smirked. It’s funny, you had never felt so comfortable around somebody so quickly. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something about him relaxed you. 

----------

 “Have you noticed I haven’t asked about that thing you’re holding, ‘cause I’m too scared to?”

 You laughed, covering your mouth with your hand. You’d spent the last half an hour playing Roger a few more Queen songs. A small nagging voice in the back of your mind was telling you to stop, to not reveal anything about his future, no matter how small. But Roger’s pleading to hear more won.

 “It’s actually a phone,” you said, to answer his question. “Well, that’s its main purpose anyway. You can use it to take and store pictures, play music, and use the internet. Which, well, you’ll find out about in approximately 18 years.”

 “I’m intrigued, what’s the internet?” he asked. You thought of all the unspeakable things you had come across on social media, and shook your head.“You don’t want to know.” He raised an eyebrow at you, and you tried to suppress a blush.  

You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him as you straightened up in your seat. “What’s the time?” you asked. He glanced down at his watch. “3am,” he laughed in disbelief. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

 You shook your head rapidly, taken aback by his utter kindness. “Oh my god no, please, I will. It’s your house,” you said, getting up from the chair you were sitting on. He did the same. You both stood awkwardly, basically staring at each other. You couldn’t help but think of the times you watched a Queen documentary on TV, with the Roger of your time’s commentary. It was hard to believe the man in front of you was the same person.  

 He cleared his throat, tearing his eyes off you, and going into his bedroom, mumbling something about getting something for you to sleep in.  

 As you awaited his return, you couldn’t help but wonder why you were so focused on how flustered you were around Roger, and not worried about the fact that you were literally stuck in the wrong year, and had no idea how to get back. The funny thing was, you had no desire to. You hadn’t felt so at home in a long time, than when you were laughing and talking with Roger. He made you feel so safe, so quickly. And that feeling would only grow stronger when you both gave up on convincing the other to sleep on the couch, and ended up sharing his bed. 

PART 2: BONUS CONTENT THAT I WROTE THE SAME DAY AS PART ONE. I’M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE IT BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING IT IN A WORD DOC N NOT POSTING IT?

When I was writing this, I couldn’t stop imagining rom-com moments. Like, the outfit section? A cute montage with a cute song. Damn I wish I could express the images in my head more clearly, in words. My writing sucks. 

“Y/N, wake up. Y/N!!” A familiar, yet foreign, voice startled you. As you came to your senses, you realised your usual soft, silky sheets were replaced with cotton ones, and an unusual smell wafted around you. You slowly opened your eyes, to be greeted by Roger leaning over you, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Fuck. It was real. He must’ve read your disappointment on your face, and he smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“Yep, you’re still here,” he mumbled. You couldn’t help but sigh; you’d hoped it was a really long, unusual dream.

“I have to go to rehearsal for a gig tonight. Do you wanna come?” Of course you didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet the rest of the band, and literally see the magic happen, you couldn’t help but feel like you were invading. But then again, who could say they had the chance to sit in on an early Queen rehearsal, especially knowing how successful and impactful they were going to become?

“I don’t – I don’t want to intrude,” you mumbled, sitting up in the bed and clutching the duvet around you, suddenly feeling exposed in Roger’s white shirt.

“Well it’s your choice, I understand that you probably don’t want to sit around with us when you could be finding a way back home or finding your parents or something,” he said.

Although you would never admit it, you wanted nothing more than to go with him. Not only was it literally history in the making, but the absence of your birth parents in your life, leading to a childhood of foster families who couldn’t care less about you, gave you a sense of independence at a young age. You knew how to be alone, seeking solace in music. Music created by the greats like Queen made you feel less alone, as silly as it sounded. It was your escape from the struggles in your real life.

“Wait, no. I want to come. If you don’t mind. But I need something 70s appropriate to wear,” you chuckled, glancing over at your high-waisted skinny jeans and cropped knit jumper folded neatly on a chair.

“I think that can be arranged.” Roger grinned at you, and you were struck with yet another wave of disbelief. Roger Taylor was going to lend you come of his iconic clothes.

After spending a couple of hours going through Roger’s clothes, which was your absolute dream, you finally settled on a pair of pants that were a little too short, and a shirt that was slightly too tight across the chest. You tried to spice up the outfit with a few of Roger’s necklaces, much to his dismay.

“Do I look okay?” you asked when you stepped out, twirling around with your arms out.

Roger, standing with a pile of clothes in his arms that you had rejected, furrowed his brows and looked you up and down. You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight; he was taking his job as your stylist very seriously.

“You’ll almost fit in,” he said, “although, the shirt is too tight,” he finished bluntly, gesturing to your chest. You folded your arms instinctively.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look at your boobs.” You frowned at this. Was that meant to make you feel better? Why did you feel slightly disappointed?

“Um, thanks?” you scoffed. “What should I do with my hair?” you tugged on each of your French braids. Roger walked towards you without warning, and pulled out your hair ties, running his fingers through your hair.

“Just leave it loose.” He said hoarsely, his face dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was biting his lip in concentration, his eyes squinting as he adjusted your hair. It took everything in you to not lean into his touch; his fingers were so delicate. As he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, his eyes met yours.

“Perfect,” he almost whispered, his breath sending shivers down your spine. You knew you should pull away. You knew this would get way too complicated. Your rationality was telling you to snap out of it. But as his hands smoothly came to rest around your neck, bringing you closer, something else entirely was driving your actions.  Just as you began to lean in, he pulled away, clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me get you a coat,” he said, quickly rushing away from you. You bit your lip, cheeks flaming. You were humiliated. What were you thinking, trying to kiss him? He obviously wasn’t attracted to you; the weird, pathetic crazy time-traveller. You didn’t even belong here anyway, how could you possibly think he would want you? Your eyes began to well up, you just had to get out of there.

As you quickly began to gather your clothes and phone, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes, Roger returned with a fur coat in his arms.

“Here, this should fit – wait, what’s wrong?” he asked, realising your state.

“I’m just gonna go. I’m so sorry to have invaded your life like this, you shouldn’t have to deal with my weird ass problems. Thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you, I guess. I’ll never forget you,” you rambled, becoming increasingly embarrassed, trying to walk past him. He gently placed his hands on your upper arms, turning you to face him.

“Hey, hey, I don’t have to help you, okay? I want to. If you’ll let me.” he said, a surprisingly vulnerable look on his face.

“But, I’m burdening you too much! You can’t have me holding you back from living your normal life. You don’t want me clinging to your side like some kind of….” You paused, struggling to find the right words in your frazzled state. “Some kind of leech. I mean, I’m just annoying. For God’s sake, we have nothing in common! I’m technically young enough to be your daughter!”

Roger laughed softly. “Okay, first of all, you’re not a leech. And yes, it’s weird that you’re from the future, and I’ll probably never wrap my head around it, but so what? We shouldn’t get along, but we do.” You hoped he couldn’t notice your blush at this.

“And, lastly,” he said, a cheeky smirk on his face, “the thought of you being my daughter is gross, but me being your daddy on the other hand…”

“Oh my god, Roger! No!” you couldn’t help but laugh, as you rapidly shook your head. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not; you secretly hoped he wasn’t.

“So, do you still wanna come to rehearsal?” he asked, all joking aside.

You sighed, hoping you weren’t being a burden. “Okay, give me that then,” you grabbed the coat off him, pulling it on.

“Do I look normal?” you asked.

“No,” he smirked, and you raised your eyebrows at him. “In a good way, though. Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. You tried to ignore the jolts of electricity you felt from this sweet gesture. You never thought simply holding hands with someone would give you so many butterflies.

[sapphicwomanwithnopatience]

just gonna answer these cus im a little bored and procrastinating on my job

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? - no, we are all very real

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? - maybe a two. things do exist in the dark.

3. The person you would never want to meet? - trump... ill probably get sent to jail if you put me within reach of that man

4. What is your favorite word? - “as” its a beautiful structure for metaphors

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? - maybe ash. not very unique, not very standoffish, but one of strongest and most reliable forms of wood

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? - my hair got fucked up while i slept it was a little surprising

7. What shirt are you wearing? - red pullover

8. What do you label yourself as? - a demon

9. Bright room or dark room? - dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? - watching inkmaster

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? - i dont have one

12. Who told you they loved you last? - my mom

13. Your worst enemy? - societal expectation

14. What is your current desktop picture? - hyyh bts

15. Do you like someone? - no

16. The last song you listened to? - butter

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? - nobody? killing people isnt all that

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? - currently? that one mf in texas yall know who

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? - um? what

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) - my eyes. ive been told theyre bottomless.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? - id be hot. not really too interested in leading a life that isnt my own. id probably look in the mirror a little bit and then just about my day?

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? - im sort of a all-kill when it comes to art. i can hold my own in painting, drawing, music production, singing, writing, directing and envisioning. so i guess artistic prowess? idk im a biologist so its not common in my field.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? -im not afraid of much.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. -cubano

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? - im depositing it in the bank

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? -id love to say some place in asia but logically since i only speak spanish and english ill be going puerto rico

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? -michelob ultra. ik ik beer is gross blah blah idc i consume beer much faster than other alcohol and its refreshing so ill go with that

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? - mandatory therapy

29. What is your favorite expletive? - cunt (im not british)

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? - laptop

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? - petition to let me erase more than one. its all or none erased, because all my experiences defined me. id need all of them or i wouldnt be me. if were erasing, get rid of it all.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! -this is not a question

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? - i see ghosts and i dont want them back. death happens when its necessary. dont cheat that. 

34. What was your last dream about? - i dont remember but i know it happened

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? - i am a good

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? - yeah i broke my wrist once

37. Have you ever built a snowman? - no

38. What is the color of your socks? - not wearing ones rn but usually black

39. What type of music do you like? - anything but misogynist country

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? - sunset

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? - cookies and cream

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) - real madrid

43. Do you have any scars? - many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? - research scientist

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - less migraines

46. Are you reliable? - yes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? - you processed all that trauma yet?

48. Do you hold grudges? - depends on the offense

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? - i wouldnt

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? - someone asked me if id let them snort xanax out of my asshole

51. Are you a good liar? - great, actually

52. How long could you go without talking? - havent tested this but a long time

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? - bangs, not because i looked bad but because curly hair and bangs dont always mix

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? - all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? - im decent at a british one

56. What do you like on your toast? - i dont eat toast

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? - a succulent

58. What would be you dream car? - mercedez benz 1982 300D in yellow

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. - i sing and dance in the shower

60. Do you believe in aliens? -youd be dumb not to

61. Do you often read your horoscope? - not really

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? - dont have one

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? - i dont exactly think either are cool. 

64. What do you think about babies? - hatred.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. - ?

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

.

.

.

.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[tumblunni]

OKAY WOW I just started reading a lets play of Tales of Graces and HOLY SHIT I love Sophia! I think I was amoung the majority of people who got umm.. Really Put Off by her character design prior to actually learning more about the game. Cos seriously, prelease stuff was like a fuckin minefield of ‘loli’ trope red flags, it looked like she was gonna somehow be pushed into a romance route with the protagonist despite being 14. And her design is just kinda boring and doesnt really say anything about her ACTUAL plot role and personality which were HOLY SHIT so unexpected and amazing and life affirming and jesus christ she is already my favourite tales character in all of history and I’m barely two hours into the damn game!! seriously I had to go look up spoils just to be ABSOLUTELY SURE I wasnt gonna be surprised with creepy fanservice of a young child, like in some of the older goddamn games in this series, and instead i found FUCKING AMAZING EVERYTHING FOREVER and like.. ACTIVE SUBVERSION OF LOLI TROPES but lol i cant really talk about it without kinda spoilering?? So UMM YEAH rest of my thoughts under the cut:

okay seriously its LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ALL EXPECTED, HOLY FUCK nobody had ANY CLUE before the game came out that she’d be introduced as the twice-your-age figure to the protagonist instead of the other way around! getting to play a flashback prologue of everyone as kids was a really unique awesome feature that I wish we could get in other tales games its SO COOL to see the design and personality changes for everyone between their flashback selves and the ones you actually play as later on plus its a playable flashback! very short section of getting to see the kiddos actually have unique battle animations even! also it is REALLY EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE HOLY SHIT it explains everything about everyone’s personality forever why did these poor children have to suffer AAAAA

so umm yeah ANYWAY BACK ON TOPIC Sophie is introduced as this mysterious older teen while everyone is tiny babies, and takes on a kind of simultaneous big sis lil sis role cos of her amnesia and unfamiliarity with the world and like THANK YOU we dont get any weird fetishization of that as a concept! (look up the ‘born sexy yesterday’ trope for how this kind of plot tends to go down... yikes...) And like, even tho she’s comically oblivious about basic emotion concepts and stuff, she’s also A MASSIVE BADASS who’d have thought that such a cliche pinky pretty loli design would have a stoic badass superweapon personality??? THANK YOU. I feel so bad for assuming things, but seriously THANK YOU for being like THE ONE GAME where that kind of character appearance isnt given just One Same Plot Again And Again And It Is Gross and seriously man I WILL NOT STOP BEING HAPPY THAT THERE IS NO LOLICON HERE HOLY FUCKIN SHIT (well.. except some of her dlc costumes seem to be the actual lolicon characters from earlier games, which is Annoying.) but yeah seriously she’s fuckin like CONSTANTLY PUNCHING DOWN DOORS AND SHIT and I’M LOVE HER and like her earliest establishing moment is her oblivious of human culture norms actually leading to her being like.. the wise one in the conversation her cutting off asbel’s ‘wah but I should be the one protecting you cos I’m a boy, even though you’re like eight years older than me and i can barely lift my sword’ and her making this declaration of protection to him is the moment that shapes her entire character and becomes like the emotional core of the whole plot and she gets THE MOST BADASS scene of (seemingly) sacrificing herself to save his life, ending this cute kiddie flashback on a super somber note and then Asbel dedicates his goddamn life to becoming a knight in her memory after she fuckin SUPLEXED A GODDAMN DRAGON WOLF THING WITH ITS CLAW STABBED THROUGH HER STOMACH and just... I REALLY LOVE SOPHIE!!! seriously kid asbel literally said ‘i’m embarassed to be protected by you cos you’re a girl’, like HOLY SHIT DUDE and this is ACTUALLY SHOWN AS WRONG and he CHARACTER DEVELOPS OUT OF IT and HER PROTECTING HIM IS LIKE THE WHOLE FUCKIN GAME and just THANK YOU seriously tales of beseria had a bunch of weird sexism issues despite being the most recent game, its so annoying how the series has such inconsistant quality on this stuff, so im just REALLLLLLL FUCKIN GLAD to see this, thankz

oh and like... they even do... LITERALLY the ‘but she’s really 700 years old’ excuse for ‘loli’ characters BUT NOT AS AN EXCUSE FOR LOLI CHARACTERS she’s a thousands of years old magic soldier homunculus thing that will forever look like a young girl, but NOBODY USES THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO FUCK A YOUNG GIRL THANK YOU GEEZUS CHRIST cos like.. goddd... being super immortal and eternally a child is A COOL PLOT that has SO MANY OTHER DIRECTIONS it could be developed in, instead of just fuckin pervy lazyness and this game ACTUALLY DOES THOSE DEVELOPMENTS aaaaaUUUUAUAAAUUUUA god its SUCH A RELIEF we start the game off with the intriguing wonder of how everyone changed post time skip yet she still looks the same age (plus of course ‘how on earth did she survive that apparant death’) And it just keeps having even more cool meta discussion of being so ageless?? and really sad philosophicalness about outliving all your friends?? and all the plots these dumb loli excuse things always ignore and just SERIOUSLY THANK YOU

hell she doesnt even ever really have any romantic plot with anyone ever, except kinda Pascal? tho that’s just a weird ‘lol gay as joke’ thing where its supposed to be funny that Pascal doesnt take no for an answer and like.. seriously why is Sophie even instantly repulsed by Pascal anyway? ‘hey i have no concept of any human social norms except heterosexuality apparantly’. It Is Weird. So yeah lol the game isnt absolutely flawless but I mean geez AT LEAST THEY DIDNT SHIP THE FUCKIN KID WITH ADULTS seriously she has NO ROMANCE PLOT and protagonist man ends up with someone completely different and its just NEVER EVEN DISCUSSED AS AN OPTION like fuckin CHRIST thank yooooou god, just, HOW TERRIFYING it was to see her listed as ‘the heroine’ of this game next to a guy way older than her usually whichever female character has the biggest plot role is automatically the love interest I cant believe i fuckin DIDNT PLAY THE GAME FOR ALL THIS TIME because of that!!!

oh and OH AND the endgame!! the endgame final relationship of her and protagonist? DAD. He not only doesn’t romance her, he ends up adopting her as his daughter by the end of the story its so surreal and interesting tho, cos she was like an older sister to him when he was younger, and now they’ve met again they ended up having such a vastly different relationship and like... well, they’re still like family, just in a different way! i’m so happy seriously DEAR GOD for once a ‘immortal child’ plot actually ended well and no grossness ever and ALSO SHE IS A REALLY ENDEARING BADASS HOMUNCULUS WARRIOR PERSON and aaaa

ok this has been bunni’s rambling post ok back to watchin lets play im SO HAPPY i got spoiled for that thing of the ending like seriously HOW RARE is that???

[moonfacecrybaby-blog]

Self reminder (jus feel like ranting)

To never EVER go on vacation with someone who has little Earth in their chart. 😭I have never been so baffled at the lack of planning and inability to make a decision based on common sense, holy fuck. All of my female Scorpio friends are boy crazy as fuck and are willing to ditch their friends at the first sign of possibly hanging out with a guy but my Scorpio friends both have earth moons so they still get all of their ducks in a row before making a move but this bitch (who I met through my Taurus best friend who went too) is a Libra rising and Aquarius moon... let me tell you why that's the most annoying shit tho. The Libra rising makes her beautiful and charming and good at being fake as hell which is the PERFECT mask for a demon Scorpio lmao. She swore up and down during the planning of the trip that she's been wanting to hang out with us forever and misses us and couldn't wait to have a girls day- even going as far as to rent a car! What a friend right? Wrong the fucking Scorpio had been planning this all along because she has some Taurus boy toy down in that direction and she just didn't want to go alone. And then here's the kicker.. she took the car and left me, my 9 month old daughter, and the other female stranded at the beach for hours while she was like a 30 minute drive away at the guy's house, and didn't give one fuck because she's an Aquarius moon with her own agenda. 😒Then we finally met the loser and he looks EXACTLY like the husband of hers that she's currently divorcing... moral of the story is, sun and moon in the 8th people need to start listening to themselves because WE KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE FEEL WHEN WE MEET PEOPLE! I'm just also a Pisces moon so I try to blind myself so I won't see the bad in people. The first time we hung out I was scared as hell but didn't know why and then ever since that day she's brought so much drama to my life without so much as a twitch of sympathy for anyone smhhh. I find it so interesting though also because the Taurus female that went with us is also an Libra rising, Aquarius moon. Sun sign astrology is real bro because they have the same emotional responses internally and greet the world in the same way but they're differences in sun sign flavors it. The Taurus girl uses her Libra rising to nurture everybody honestly, it makes her less reserved as a Taurus and I guess the double Venus makes her hella selfless but almost everything she does is done for the good of the whole group. She pays attention to the needs of everybody around her and she always uses her Aquarius moon to come up with great ideas that benefit everyone, yeah her sun is in the 8th house so she lives on the edge so people judge her but I like that she still cares about the safety of others before her desires. The Scorpio on the other hand 😒😒😒 (lmao I know I sound like I'm hating on Scorpios but it's actually one of my favorite signs 😂) she uses her Libra rising to make people think she's nice and then acts like such trash secretly. Everybody has a fake side but hers is malicious and selfish and that's shit I just can't deal with. I wonder what house her sun is in? Whatever, it just kinda makes me mad because the Taurus girl gets judged for her openness with her fast life and sexuality but is an AMAZING person to friends and strangers but the Scorpio dresses modest, wears glasses, and has adorable little curls so nobody realizes that she's been orchestrating their Dmn demise the entire time! The same kinda thing literally happened last month when we went to hang out with some guy friends and ended up waiting in the car forever so she could fuck one of the guys, which would have been no big deal if we had planned this and it wasn't almost 4 in the morning. I guess I just hate when people have no problem inconveniencing others for their own desires. Also, another thing my female Scorpio friends have in common is that they have ZERO respect for Gemini males lmao (funny because my baby's father is a Gemini and he got his heart broken by a Scorpio earlier this year lmao). They literally hate them yet a lot of Gemini guys have big dicks (in our experience 😂) so they literally just use them for sex and talk behind their backs smh so it's even more annoying that the guy she left us in the car to fuck was a Gemini and she started talking shit as soon as she came back. 🙄😒saying how she'll never take a Gemini seriously and shit.. then why you was so hype about spending time with him??? Bruhhhhh see this rant about to be even longer cause I just have too many thoughts on this now. 😭😂 like also, back to the boy craziness! This bitch acts like she's sooo mature and above everybody but you should see her dumb ass when she's about to see a boy. 🙄🙄🙄 she literally starts vibrating and gets giddy as hell and starts talking soooo fucking much which is the worst icing on the cake to me. Don't keep rubbing your bullshit in my face after pissing me off. Ironically, she was talking about Taureans yesterday because her sister is one and was like "I don't get why you guys never say how you're feeling! Like I can't read your mind so why y'all never express when y'all mad?" And then her behavior yesterday literally answered her question. Taureans like fun but we don't like fucking drama but it seems like Scorpios BREATH drama so while we're trying to keep the trip stable, this bitch is flying around life not making and iota of sense! And what do taureans do when shit stops making sense? We sit our asses back, shut our mouths, and endure until the ground is stable again. That's why when she got back we were quiet the rest of the trip because like.. anymore surprises? We HATE surprises. I guess that's why Taureans get quiet during emotional upheavals? Me and the other Taurus were BOILING but we shut our fucking mouths when she came back around because opening our mouths to talk while in extreme emotion makes oUR VOICES COME OUT UNINTENTIONALLY LOUD AND FULL OF HATE BECAUSE YOU KEEP THROWING SHIT OUR WAY AND WE CAN NO LONGER BREATH THE EXTREME NEGATIVITY THROUGH OUR NOSES! WE DONT TALK WHEN YOU'RE UPSETTING US BECAUSE WE DONT WANNA BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE REALLY THIS TRASH SO WE SHUT UP AND GIVE YOU CHANCE AFTER CHANGE TO CORRECT YOURSELF THEN BLOW THE HELL UP WHEN YOU KEEP RUBBING IT IN! I know it sounds childish to not say what you're feeling but we just expect everyone to have common sense and KNOW as a fucking adult what's rude/stupid/nonsensical, so we sit our asses back and reevaluate our relationship with you. It's something air dominants don't really understand though because my sister is a Gemini sun, Aquarius moon (ugh I'm surrounded by Aquarius moons 🙄) and she didn't believe that I was actually having contractions and took forever to take me to the hospital when I had my daughter because I wasn't showing any emotion when I'd tell her I was in pain and wasn't saying much. My baby's father is a Gemini sun and Mercury and he literally rambled through our daughter's birth and has to talk while she's getting shots because he gets through high levels of any feeling through distracting his mind with random words. Ugh I actually love it because you know when you've made him nervous when his rambling Gemini twin starts coming out even though he's a Scorpio rising who likes to portray himself as all dark and mysterious 😂. Anyways! Taureans just prefer to lay low and endure.. until it gets real, then the rest of your chart comes out. Like when I was having contractions, I quietly endured them the whole time like a Taurus... until it was time for her to come and they got worse so the Pisces moon came out! I like the description of the moon sign being who you are when you need your mother." I literally started reaching for my mom, everyone else in the room faded away, and I kept whining to her and asking "is there any drug that can knock me out so I won't have to live through this pain?? I don't want to live though this. I don't want to experience this." While shaking my head, attempting to wake up from that nightmare 😂 I'm literally an escapist in the highest form! I find it interesting that my moon house also played a big part because I remember during the contractions that I was being a Pisces moon and trying to imagine myself in the place I'd rather be and I closed my eyes and imagine myself in a casket, and then I felt like that wasn't enough and I imagined myself burning I hell and was slightly satisfied lmao the 8th house moon is such a trip. *Sigggh* but leave it to an Aries MC person to be this annoying and off subject during a rant but whatever, I've accepted that I'm nothing but a Taurus sun version of Kanye West. 😂 But I only have "fun" friends I don't have "emotional outlet" friends so I have nobody to talk about my suppressed rage to. 🙃

[kirinhealthprogressjournal]

I’m learning I used to have endometriosis before I got pregnant. Painful intercourse, excruciating unmanageable period cramps, and when I did get pregnant, in the first trimester, my body literally shed all the overgrowth and tissue and blood and bad stuff in my uterus and I thought for sure I had a miscarriage, but my doctor said everything was fine, and she seemed perplexed by what had happened to me, and said something about a change-over from where the baby receives nutrients, and the excess from before all comes out.  But she only offered that as a suggestion.  She wasn’t sure.  She just reassured me, it /can/ be normal, and she had seen it before.

Apparently, I also have PCOS.  Which I didn’t even know was a different thing from endometriosis.  I had the weight gain, the terrible acne, thinning hair, and a chronic normal-looking discharge, basically all day, every day. I was able to cure the acne only in my mid 20s with a supplement called Herpanacine, but I always struggled with my weight.

I’m not sure, but I’m going to guess these things are linked to what I now know is already a problem for me, which is that my immune system is attacking my body.  It explains the psoriasis I’ve had since I was eight.  It explains the hypothyroidism.  It explains the weird rash I broke out in all over my torso a few years ago when the doctor said my immune system was attacking my lungs, and they didn’t know what causes it.

It explains the IBS, that I was managing by taking enzymes to help digest food, and the IBS explains the anemia.

Part of me is so angry.

I look at pictures of myself when I was a teenager.  My face is visibly swollen.  My eyes are puffy and swollen.  I was always tired and complaining of feeling sick, especially in the mornings.  My ankles were swollen, my hands and feet would hurt in the mornings when I would walk or open things.  My eyebrows were all but gone.  

I DONT LOOK RIGHT.

There was OBVIOUSLY something MEDICALLY wrong with me!

But my mother was incapable of empathizing with other human beings, and always made me feel that my LIFE was an inconvenience, because her marriage was strained, (because she’s a sociopath). They didn’t /want/ to get married to each other.  They didn’t actually /want/ me.  They got married and pregnant because that was what was expected of them.

Neither of them were happy together, and even less happy trying to raise a child and provide for a family.

When my mom thought she lost me when she was pregnant, she shrugged it off and went and rode roller coasters and did stuff you’re not supposed to do when you’re pregnant, without even going to the doctor.  She was shocked when he asked if she wanted to hear the heartbeat.

Nobody cared enough to notice there was something wrong, and that I needed medical attention.

Not even when my period cramps were so excruciating they left me writhing on the floor until I threw up from the pain, and then passed out from exhaustion, sweating and pale and clammy.

Nobody cared.  They told me it was normal.  They told me everybody has them, and to just deal with it.

They didn’t believe me when I said I felt sick and told me I just didn’t want to go to school.

And I couldn’t argue that, because I hated school.  I couldn’t concentrate.  I was picked on chronically for being overweight and having bad acne ad not being allowed to wear makeup to cover it up.  For not wearing expensive clothes and having my nails and hair professionally done.  I went to a very wealthy public school.  My dad made good money.  But my mother acted as if we were living in the great depression and bemoaned buying me normal things like a bar of soap, claiming she “JUST bought me some” even if it was months ago.

My mother was not right in the head. My father liked to stay out of her way.

I never felt close to him until I was fourteen, and they were worried I would kill myself and I begged them, in tears, to take me to a psychiatrist, just so I could /talk/ to someone. And the therapist told me she didn’t see any reason for me to visit with her.  So I lied.  I started talking about knives and said I hid one in my room and that I liked cutting things with it. And then she told my parents she had a few concerns and she thought I would benefit from coming to see her.

I had no idea I had a slew of medical and psychological conditions.  And whenever I read about one I identified with, people made fun of me. “Oh, yeah, I bet you diagnose yourself with everything.“  And  “Yeah, you and everybody else.“

Fuck you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Yeah, life is hard.  Yeah, people struggle with different things.  Yeah, nobody likes to get up in the morning and go to work, or to school, or whatever, but they do it.

Nobody wants to admit somebody might have it worse.  Especially, when they look ‘normal’.  - (Because I wasn’t crippled, or permanently disfigured, or throwing up every day.)  

My symptoms were all things people could easily shove aside because they didn’t want to deal with it.  They told me it wasn’t happening, because they didn’t want it to be their problem.

So I fucking struggles with my immune system trying to kill me, my entire life, and on top of that, a family who didn’t give a shit about it, trying to force me to function ‘normally’, because if I didn’t, it might indicate that they were less than perfect, and my mom is secretly a fucking sociopath, who believes peoples’ feelings are nothing but factors in the environment that she can either be nice about, or twist and manipulate to her own whims.  She’s incapable of empathy, or of being able to perceive a viewpoint that’s not her own.

When she argues with you, she’s not trying to understand where you’re coming from.  She’s not capable of it.  She’ll seem confused, and just keep arguing her own point until she fucking wears you out or down, or whatever it takes until you just shut up and do what she wants.

There is no ‘you’.  There’s only the way she /wants/ things to be.  And that’s being kind.  I still won’t talk about some of the things she put me through. -some of which I only recently recovered in my memory.

I always thought ‘repressed memories’ were things you couldn’t recall happening at all.  I didn’t realize they were events that your brain ‘remembers’.  I always knew this thing, on a very basic level, did happen to me.  I even convinced myself it was normal, and never opened it up any deeper than ‘this vaguely happened to me a long time ago, and I don’t think about it in detail.’

And then I watched a youtube video of a woman talking about an unrelated experience, that reminded me of the depth of what happened.  and 

HOLY HELL.

Fucking hell.

It all came back.  It all made sense.

No fucking wonder I have issues.  No fucking wonder I have triggers.  No fucking wonder I don’t trust people.

And that bitch.  That woman that calls herself my mother.  She blew off my concerns, and fucking stood there and let it happen to me.

And then she spent the rest of my life, dismissing my medical problems so she wouldn’t have to deal with them.  Dismissing my emotional scarring, and trying to manipulate me into being ‘normal’.  Into being like my sister, who had more energy than she knew what to do with.  Who always got good grades.  Who had no problem making friends.

And when I was 12, and just starting to dawn on the fact that my mother was maybe not everything she should be, my younger, naive sister, who had life at her fingertips and never ran into anything she couldn’t have or do, she told me my problems with my mom might be /my/ fault.

And I don’t blame her for giving me that pain, because she was very young, and she had no way of knowing what I was going through.

But it still hurt like hell, and I was so lonely I often asked God if he could just take me away.  Because I believed that killing myself would only land me in Hell, because it would be committing a murder, of myself.

And people tell me, Grow up.  Be your own woman.  You don’t need a ‘man’ to save you.

And they’re right. They’re right.

I didn’t need a man.  I just needed someone who could love me, and believe in me, and be patient with me, while I sort through all the bullshit of my past and try to take care of myself and become a healthier, stronger person, and overcome everything that happened to me, and maybe one day, I’ll be healthy enough to function like ‘normal people’.

I needed someone, anyone, who could help me even /get/ to a place, where I could start to save /myself/.  Where all my efforts could actually start to make a difference.

His gender had nothing to do with that. Everyone needs some support.  Everyone needs love.  Everyone needs friends who believe in them, and help them when they can’t function like everyone else does

BECAUSE THEY HAVE A FUCKING MEDICAL CONDITION.

I read an article recently that said people with chronic fatigue from autoimmune disease is like being awake for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT, and then being expected to function like a normal person.

and I’ve lived my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE like this!!  While the people who were supposed to love me and care about me, told me I was being lazy and fat and ugly and why can’t I just get over it and do what’s expected of me. I’M SO ANGRY.

....

Why did this happen to me?

[survivor-themyscira-blog]

Hello. It's raining outside today. And surprisingly, my game is going similarly. My last Idol Search ended with me stumbling over Raymonds corpse, resulting in me being forced to sit out the upcoming Reward challenge because I am SHOOK. Like a corpse would scare me... My hope is that my tribe has to sit out a player (since it's 6-5-5 atm) and that I can claim that spot. If I am forced to just not submit, then that's fair too. Minor blow. Nothing I can't recover from. (Famous Last Words) Besides that, RIP Ruthie. From what I've seen, you're awesome, but oh well... that's the game. Let the current Hippos jump at each others throats. I'll just be somebody you wanna be friends with. I feel very safe within Menalippe and I think I'd be comfortable in case we Swap. Cya! The Skies are crying over Ruthie... Don't cry, sky! You're next!

Wooo that tribal was Fucking lit. Obviously Jaiden proved he won't work with me. Seriously dude, sometimes you should just save big moves for merge. Way to single yourself out as someone I can't trust and that's what this vote was about. Finding who I can trust. Fun fact for all of you reading this post game, Madeline and I talk on the phone! I need her to work with me and she works with me!

Being close and working with Ian has become the best move I've made in the game so far.

So I had to have a couple of days away since I had an ill bubba but the tribe has been amazingly supportive, considering I expected to go asap - we haven't been to tribal yet so I still might -, its a nice friendly tribe and everyone tries their hardest so I just need to pull my socks up to match that!

DONT GIVE US FLASH GAME CHALLENGES WHEN JORDAN IS IN THIS GAME??? WHY?? EVERYONE HAS PLAYED WITH JORDAN PINES, NOT TO MENTION HE AND LILY ARE ON THE SAME TEAM AND THEY BOTH DOMINATE FLASH GAMES GRR

WHY DONT I READ THE MOTHER FUCKING DIRECTIONS?????? i fkdsjkflas fjkdsfkasdfk fjdsnkfasdkf god i truly hate myself i didn't read and then i submitted my first score for casanova and i- whew. i just didn't read. and we could only submit once. my hope is that other people on the other tribes also didn't read and submit shittier scores than me! lol but i got 70k which is good for me but for others? i don't know. i am shit at flash games okay i truly am. and which 1/2 of our tribe being inactive, i'm not expecting much out of this comp. the men lips are losing a lip tomorrow night. rip in peace to ... probably madison at this rate lmao. let's just hope she doesn't have any special powers!!! omg fjdkjfaslf but like she's been so inactive maybe she hasn't been searching the island? idk that's what i hope. and ruthie went home last night over rocks and i SCREAMED how can the rocks do that to RUTHIE!!! also i just talked to logan about this flash game and he says that he gets like two million on casanova and i just- WHAT H O W??????? i dont even know. i also just realized this is, in fact, a reward challenge, so i feel less shitty about my score. it's just reward but... logan thinks antiope is gonna win it and give us the disadvantage but like! that's ugly! anyways more like actual survivor related stuff going on, i think kai, logan, and i are going to make a group thing and roll with that. i feel a swap coming on soon but... who can never be sure? it could be at 15 and we're divided into three tribes or five or it could be at 14 and we're divided into two tribes of seven... i don't know which i'd prefer because i like having very few people on our tribe bc it's less people to talk to but also less options to vote out come tribal... ugly! also because half my tribe is inactive! this is >:-(

https://youtu.be/SIt2jOUDLug

https://youtu.be/9QhJFyjE6v0

https://youtu.be/XvkrD_DkVDA

It is currently 3:36AM EST and all the Europeans are up and so I’m talking to Amanda and Andreas. I think we’ve decided that Kai sit out this challenge, which I’m fine with. He hasn’t helped much the previous challenges lmao. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about allies and who I want to get with. I have 0 alliances so far but there’s definitely an unspoken thing between Kai, Logan, and I (well, I know they’re very close so it’s probably not unspoken to them, but unspoken to me.). But I’m struggling because I’m starting to really like Madison and Amanda? The two people Logan and Kai want out? And this is definitely a predicament. So like... I love women. And my goal was to work with women. So you know... Madison and Amanda? But on the other hand, I love Logan and Kai. Logan really wants Amanda out for voting out Dan, who he was close with. And so I’m :-/. I like both sides and I’m just hoping that I don’t have to choose a side so soon. Or maybe I’ll luck out and convince people to vote out Andreas! Who can never be sure? I’m just stressed and not sure where I want my loyalties (I don’t actually have loyalty to anyone - so these are like alleged) to go. Logan and Kai or Amanda and Madison? Choices are to be made.

[11:18:20 AM] Jordan Pines: here drew make some confessionals for me [11:18:24 AM] Jordan Pines: tell them about my gameplay [11:18:39 AM] Jordan Pines: I’m aligned wiht lily and jack, sort of with rhone and nicholas and i have no idols [11:18:42 AM] Jordan Pines: do with that what you will [11:18:55 AM] Jordan Pines: make me sound smart

I MISS MADELINE WHY CANT WE BE ON THE SAME TRIBE AGAIN

I just royally flopped that challenge. SO BAD. Like okay... I had sixty seconds to think of things and one round I only got like five points! I'm literally such a piece of shit I feel like I'm going to HEAVILY let down my tribe!!!!!! If we lose because of me... at least I'm in a good spot socially but HOLY SHIT I'm so fkdjskla this is not good not good not good. I'm just hoping other people flopped this challenge too and that my last round (words that start with W) can save me. I got 26 points there... Probably could've gotten more but I'm a dumbs. I also couldn't think of any TV shows that have strong female leads! Like I'm not sure if there's like a shortage or if I just don't watch the shows. I got like 6 points and typed two wrong lmao. I even said the vampire diaries but a bitch has never seen vampire diaries so I was just guessing lmao. But I also spelled it wrong so ANYWAY! I feel so guilty I feel like I've helped a whole lot these past challenges and this one............. I flopped a whole whole whole lot :-/

Last game I played, I was the type of person to pour themselves a bowl of cereal and then realize that there wasn’t any milk in the refrigerator. This game, I’m checking the refrigerator before I pour my cereal. I’m not going to make dumb decisions then realize that my goals can’t be fulfilled. I need to think through everything. Also I love cereal

Apparently Survivor US is not a spin off show from Survivor that takes place only in the states so guessing Alabama didn't win me any points.

My name is Ian Eugene Layne, Commander of the Armies of the Devil's Lair, Generally well liked by the Aphi Sa Legions. loyal servant to the true Sole Survivor, Zachary Rae, ally to a murdered Icon, friend of the Robbed Queen And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Once again we skate by in second place!!! I love being immune!!! I have yet to go to tribal and I love it! :-) But I’m also sending a swap after this... whew. Let’s just hope that whatever tribe I end up on is full of comp beasts and allies! Woohoo! LOL anyways I love winning and I hope that keeps happening.

ok so i haven't made a confessional in 1900 years but i am so happy! i love this tribe a lot and think that all 5 of us left have a lot left to contribute to the game so i think it is 100% in my best interest to hope that we keep winning these challenges! there are some strong players like jordan on my tribe who i want on my side for sure! rhone & jack are cool too and i think that if we go to a tribal the majority alliance of hippos og might not be enough to keep me safe so it is definitely a relief that i am able to be safe this round. but numbers wise i think we are about to get either a swap or a merge into 2 tribes coming up so lets just hope that i can merge/swap into the majority! i also feel like now i have gotten rid of the 'inactive/slacker' stigma i had from og hippo and now people will take me seriously but they will also recall how i didn't attempt the first challenge so i'm less threatening! whew lets hope for the best!!

HAHAHAHAHAH Hippo back to tribal! I hate it for them, those are some nice folks but....  ha!

I’m so sick of losing challenges!!! UGH!!! I don’t really know what we’re gonna do this vote. I have a feeling my name will come up at some point or another, but right now I’m putting a whole ton of trust into Billy to keep our plans secret. Right off the bat, I’m pissed off that we lost by such a close margin. But then I realize just how terribly people performed in certain aspects of the challenge, like the second category??? It was literally Survivor seasons and everyone besides me scored less than 10. How hard is it to think of ten seasons of Survivor. Apparently, very hard because nobody was capable of processing that kind of information. So anyways, I get over this initial anger by campaigning to Ian that he needs to get rid of Toph and keep me around, even though I betrayed his trust last vote by forcing an unnecessary rock draw. My plea is that I’m good in the challenges and I have no power on this tribe. He and Madeline have that power, so it’s their choice to either keep me around as an asset or take a gamble with Toph and Billy. Billy and I both know that Ian and Madeline are going to continue to control what this tribe does for the long run. But Billy wants Madeline to go home more than anything, and I agree. I recognize that taking out Toph only delays the inevitable a lot longer – Madeline and Ian will remain loyal to potential previous tribe alliances than they will with me or Billy. Someone needs to deal with them, and unfortunately it has to be me. Losing Ruthie last round is both a blessing and a curse. I think it’s a curse because I lose one solid person I could work with for a long time, but it’s a blessing because she far too honest and nice to make the kinds of moves I’m gonna have to make in this game. If Billy went home last round, we would certainly take out Toph and gain zero traction within this tribe. Since I have Billy still here, we can actually take a shot at Madeline and Ian and hopefully take back a little of the control here. I’m going to throw Toph under the bus hard and pray that Madeline and Ian take the bait. I also hope that fucking Billy doesn’t backstab me at the most inconvenient time… I think Billy has better options with people not named Jaiden Hantz, so ideally I keep him thinking that I’m his BEST ally. Also, I don’t need Madeline and Ian realizing that Billy and I are super close and have them decide to just split us up. If they take out Billy, I’m FUCKED because I’ll have exposed my loyalties and look even dumber than I have before. Idk man. I just wanna survive the vote.

Damn son, Antiope is going strong! Poor Hippos getting their wings clipped. :'( But who cares about those as long as Men's Lips are safe? Either way, with this Immunity, I've guaranteed my spot in the Final 15... and I expect that a Tribe Swap is just around the corner. We could be put in 3 Tribes of 5... that would make sense imo. At this point, only Emily, Kai and Myself haven't attended a single Tribal Council and those two are my closest allies on my tribe now. Madison is our only outsider on Menalippe, but I tried to stay a bit friendly with her, since Emily said that she's close with JP, who I don't want to have as an enemy.... yet. In case of a Swap, I'd like Emily on my tribe the most (but seeing how well she does in challenges, she should be safe on any tribe until merge). I would be happy enough with JP, Madison, Kai, Logan, Ian and Toph. I'd be happy to play with Billy as well but I think he's the one who's getting voted out tonight. Idk the others too well or at all. If I'm with Amanda, it depends on who's on the tribe to see if I wanna cooperate with her or not. The weather today is as eventless as this day in Themyscira.

Damn... i really thouhht i did quite well... and yet we were like 10 points away from tribal and 200 away from first place... like we need to step up our game

Y’all I keep thinking about that empty spot when I jumped off the cliff... what the FUCK what there!!! Who has it now!!! Will this prevent me from voting someone out that I really want to vote out!!! Will this fuck me over!!! I don’t know what’s going ON MAN IM SCREAMING

Also can Kai and Logan just add me into an alliance chat already like wtf we’ve been talking about it for like a week let’s just DO IT

I really hope this vote goes the way we want it to. I feel if this hadn't gone to the rocks last time and we had Ruthie still we wouldn't have even been to this second tribal in a row.

Ugh my god this game is so slow paced right now. Cant we just have a triple tribal and like... idk vote someone out and have DRAMA!! I am bored out of my mind right here right now... Ughhh

I can’t decide who I want to join uS. If what they are saying about Madeline is true then her

QUEEN MADELINE SURVIVING THAT 3-2 VOTE NUT I CANT WAIT UNTIL WE SWAP TRIBES AND I CAN TALK TO HER AGAIN UGHHHHHH I miss her I want to be her BFF but queenie for voting out another boy I can’t wait to get all the tea on her tribe UGH I MISS HER jebwjwbwjwnw

Things might be getting spicy folks https://youtu.be/5ZWKrQnaVxs

[meanderfall]

//puts chin in hands and stares at u adoringly, for the cute questions: 1 - 6 - 13 - 15 - 42 - 74 - 91 - 120 - 128 - 133 - 136 - 144 and 147!!!

ajflsdhfalkhf adri you spoil me rotten!!!! Thank you my love!!!

(this is going under a read more bc holy shit)

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I’m pretty sure it was when I met up with one of my friends after her class in summer school?? we just sat down together and like held hands while we talked. And I think that was the person bc tbh it is entirely likely i’ve held hands with my younger siblings between then and now (I guess i might not have a specific memory about it bc i havent seen my siblings in like 2 weeks ;;A;;)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Honestly, I love passionate people, the people who adore things and others with everything they have, and people who are clever (which doesnt mean being good at school), and those who are a little bit snarky and a lot silly (well silly at the right moments i guess, there’s a time and place for everything!!! //whispers professor oak taught me that). People who take themselves too seriously aren’t for me.(Also, on a more “oh that’s really hot!” level, competency?? at anything, just having something you are really good at, and just how focused they are and absorbed in what they’re doing, and the concentration, all those things are so attractive omg) 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

YES

AND IT’S SO UPSETTING BC IT NEVER HAPPENS, NOBODY EVER PLAYS WITH MY HAIR OR SCRATCHES MY HEAD OR ANYTHING WHERE IS MY PHYSICAL AFFECTION I NEED IT SOMEONE COME OVER HERE AND CUDDLE ME

15. What good thing happened this summer?

oh god, i have the emotional memory of a gnat. This summer… was pretty terrible tbh, but a good thing that happened was the time I spent with you?? like overwatch (and I finally started to enjoy playing it!!!) or when we watched rvb together (and drace!) and then the next day when we spent like six hours listening to music, that was fantastic! Besides that, I’m happy I’m getting closer with @anthcny-stark and @theaussiedragon too, and like! those two days I spent with my older brother and we just hung out and watched stuff together and my younger siblings! We binge-watched things together and had a blast!!!! so i guess a lot of good things have happened this summer, it’s just hard to remember when life in general is awful.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Depends! And it’s hard to tell because I’m a pretty quiet person in general. Pretty sure most of my family would assume that I’m snarking in my head, but I would say most of the time when I’m quiet, I’m just spacing out, just staring into the distance with my mind blank. Other times I could just be exhausted or have a headache. Though, if I’m with a group of friends that you know I’m usually comfortable and loud with and I’m not saying anything, I’m likely going through some kind of depressive spiral where I feel like nobody would actually miss me if I was gone and even if they did, I could be easily replaced and basically I’m not really important to anybody, and I could disappear and they wouldn’t really care.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Two. The stuffed fox and a unicorn that has not left the box I put it in when we moved. (I had???? a shitton of stuffies but I gave them away when we moved bc I had never mastered the art of sleeping with stuffies so they were mostly a nuisance when they were in bed with me, and like I get stupidly and easily attached to anything so of course I loved them to death, but really my comfort object has always been my blankie, who is now ridiculously tiny for my size and I basically ball up and cuddle with when I sleep if I need that comfort.)

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No. I think I would only feel that way if I was angry and I’m not angry about anything atm so no.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

I used to be! Had a nightlight and everything. Now the only thing about the dark I’m scared of is the possibility of walking into something. I actually really like the dark (well as long as it’s in an environment I know lmao dont knock me out and put me in a pitch dark basement in the middle of nowhere)

128. Would you change your name?

If I could find a name I liked and felt a connection to, ye! My name is just… cumbersome and unwieldy to the tongue and it’s… pretty hideous tbh. I don’t know how to put it, ever since I was a kid, I always felt like my name was unique but not in the good way. It stuck out like sore thumb, and was stupidly long, and like, I would look at it and recognize as mine, like felt a connection to it? but it wasn’t a fun connection. It’s like those moments when you look at yourself in the mirror and it’s like you’re realizing that that’s what you look like to other people, that is your physical form, and there’s a weird disconnect between the two, and it’s fucking weird.

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

adri you hate me dont you, do you have any idea how hard this question is!!!!! how am i supposed to choose??? (the answer: I’m not. I’m choosing all of them. All of my favourite lyrics right now. I hope you’re happy adri)

“Oh everything’s a messAnd all these sorrows I have seenThey lead me to believeThat everything’s a mess” Dream by Imagine Dragons

“Happiness, feels a lot like sorrowLet it be, you can’t make it come or goBut you are gone - not for good but for nowAnd gone for now, feels a lot like gone for good” Happiness by The Fray (the part that really hits me is italicized)

“Make my messes matter.Make this chaos count.Let every little fracture in meShatter out loud.” Jupiter by Sleeping At Last

“Stitch by stitch I tear apart.If brokenness is a form of art,I must be a poster child prodigy.Thread by thread I come apart.If brokenness is a work of art,Surely this must be my masterpiece.I’m only honest when it rains.If I time it right, the thunder breaksWhen I open my mouth.I want to tell you but I don’t know how.” Neptune by Sleeping At Last

I can’t pick a favourite so, all of Saturn by Sleeping At Last. All of it.

“Much too tired to try,Much too stubborn to quit” Hit or Miss by Sleeping At Last.

“maybe distance is the only cure?Far away from hurt is where healing occurs.But all you really want to do is make them proud,Don’t you? don’t you?It must be so hard, in the mess you’re always cleaning up,To believe in the ghost of unbroken love.But I promise you,The truth is that you’re loved. so loved.” Silhouettes by Sleeping At Last

“Cry heart, cry yourself to sleep, cry a storm of tears if it helps you breatheIt helps you, if it helps you breathe” Homesick by Sleeping At Last

“Show meHow to struggle gracefullyLet the scaffolding inside of me be strong enough to hold this tired body upOnce more […]

So I will try, try, try to breathe‘til it turns to muscle memoryI’m only steady on my kneesBut one day I’ll stand on my own two feet

And I’ll run the riskOf being intimate with brokenness […]” Son by Sleeping At Last

“They say don’t let them inClose your eyes and clear your thoughts againBut when I’m all alone, they show up on their own […]They say “Just push them down, just fight them harderWhy would you give up on it so soon?” […]

Life is pain, life’s not fairSo angels please, please stay hereTake the pain, take the fear” Inner Demons by Julia Brennan

“Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever didLooking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kidAnd I’m still standing after all this timePicking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind” I’m still Standing (the cover by Taron Egerton)

“I feel fine enough, I guessConsidering everything’s a mess.” Pinch Me by the Barenaked Ladies

“I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desertBut I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime“ In a Big Country by Big Country

(yes i know about 90% of these is SaL, but they have some of the best lyrics ever???) (also true story, the moment i read the question, i forgot every song i ever listened to lmao)

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Unless it’s a hot and/or humid night and I need the airflow, the door is closed. Leaving it open makes me feel vulnerable?? (and that’s true throughout the day as well, if my door is open it’s bc I’m feeling open and wouldn’t mind people coming in to talk to me). Not to mention I usually sleep naked.

Fun fact! In the old house, I would sleep with the door open (mainly in case my cat wanted to come sleep in bed with me), but what ended up happening, bc I’m a paranoid and suspicious fuck, I would immediately awaken whenever someone would go to the bathroom (bc there was only one bathroom (for seven people!) and it was right across the hall from my room), and I would look to see who it was (which often resulted in awkward eye contact) before rolling over and going back to sleep. According to one sibling, the fact that I was always awake when they went was “really fucking creepy”. (I DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE THOUGH!!!!! I WOULD HEAR FOOTSTEPS AND AWAKEN, NOT MY FAULT!!! the worst part is that I can sleep through anything else. Cat sleeping on my face? no problem. Thunderstorm? Can’t hear a thing. My cats duking it out with an owl, which apparently woke up the entire house? sleeping like a baby.)

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Sorry, I read the question and started drooling. Um, definitely have to go with milk chocolate. (White is a close second! Dark chocolate is too bitter for my tastes.)

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars. (I do not like peanuts in my dessert. Or nuts in general.)

[hottakeswithdasom]

Baby Driver

I watched this thing TWICE in the theaters and i never do that like holy shit thank u edgar wright for gracing this movie unto earth The best thing about this movie is how outright self-indulgent it is??? Like its great bc its just a fun action movie and doesnt pretend to be anything more than that?? And i hate heterosexual white love stories in movies alot i really do. But luckily, baby driver isnt a love story NECESSARILY, rather it had love in it, but rlly its just a movie about a kid doing cool stunts and shit and thats alright. BOI I FUCKING LOVED ALL OF THE ACTION SCENES they were just the best part of the movie and i respect how much effort was put into the choreography. I read online that apparently when edgar wright had this movie is the works in the 90s, he had created a playlist of music FIRST to drive the choreography around. And BOI did they get it RIGHT!!! It rlly felt like a collaberation between the artists and the movie, which is super refreshing. Its fun recognizing a lot of songs u used to listen to as a kid and realizing how much potential they had in a movie like this!! AND THE RUNNING SCENE IS ONE THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET i literally downloaded the song hocus pocus by focus bc it brings me back to that free-wildin spirit I realize focusing on the plot and character isnt gonna be useful, bc nobody rlly gives a shit anyways so its cool. But damn they really played up the "bad ppl squad" stereotypes ESP with jamie foxx as the crazy dude?? And that other girl that wasnt debora??? Wearing a freaking fur coat on a mission like lmao goals man john ham. He was my fucking fav and he was so hansom I rlly loved how this movie made u feel all kinds of emotion without letting u realize it?? Like that one part where they knock baby out and then when he wakes up, jamie foxx rolls in on the foster father's wheelchair? Like THATS FUCKED UP and instead of telling us that they trashed his home, u could literally get all the information u needed just from that one simple action. It was so insulting, but effective. ALSO the part where baby walks in the diner prepared to run away w debora, but then u see JOHN HAM WITH A GUN like holy shit the timing and music for how shocked and worried i was for that encounter was unbelievably perfect. And lol idc about the debora relationship bc clearly its not realistic like girl...u just met the dude u dont need to swear ur allegiance to him after a dinner and no movie If i had to shit on one thing, it would be the dialogue. Like....ppl would make disses and try to insult ppl but it ended up sounding so STILTED like r u serious i cant even imagine anyond threatening me with those weird phrases i would just die from laughter. Theyre all p much from jamie foxx's character, like that one part where kevin spacey defends baby and hes just like "fuck yo baby" like what a weird thing to say but ok i guess u like to fuck babies??? All in all, walking into the theater, i completely expected a shitshow of dumbass car sequences of ppl just doing nothing but drive cars fast bc that what happens in almost all movies with car chases. They're always terrible and nobody cares. At least here, edgar wright wasnt afraid of anyone picking the choreography apart bc thats EXACTLY what he worked so hard on!!! He even made sure to time the beat of the music to the action, and so between cuts we dont get lost at all from ansel elgort to the villian, whether its the police, some stranger guy in a four wheeler, or john ham. One of my fav car stunts was where baby drives up the wall in the parking lot and uses the other cars as shields from bullets??? Like that shit is CLEVER i wouldve never thought of that!!! And props to jarrin for showing me that baby casually tossing the toy car off of the table was FORESHADOWING THE ENDING like wow!! Thats so awesome!!! What a gem What a pleasant surprise. It just goes to show that not all movies have to have some hidden deep message. A movie can exist to entertain, and as long as its honest with itself, it'll be so much better than any emotional drama. 3/10 Visuals!!! Awesome transitions and clever use of cuts and angles 2/10 MUSIC (esp the part where the squad is robbing the post office and the carnival music gradually picks up when we realize that the mission is fucked and that jamie foxx has to die) 1/10 Finding out that Darling and john ham have matching tattoos 3/10 somehow sympathizing with the ending even though realistically baby deserves a life-sentence in jail bc hes. a. murderer. 1/10 the sign language for "lady" =9/10

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 10 - "Heck Everyone on This Tribe!" - Logan

LOGAN

tea time with ryan. when is it my turn

-

So last round was wild. If it weren't for duncan, i would have voted david and that would have been even messier. Also sorry Ali I definitely did go in room 9 but it doesn't matter! Because my extra vote was snatcht by Isaac.

RYAN PALMER

LMFAO LAST NIGHT WAS A MESS. it was still totally fun though. i havent had that much fun in a game for a long time. too bad everyone else is being boring af. i dont have anything personal against trevor but i think this series and season is too good to have someone breeze their way to the end because everyone just wants to follow him and hand him the win. i dont get it. oh well. like i said im always just here to have fun and cause a little chaos. it seemed like sam and ali had the most negative reactions to what i said in the tribe chat last night. i literally made it all up...minus the duncan part cause lydia told me about it....anything i can do to spice things up and get ppl paranoid is good. im not gonna survive this round so i gotta make it last. but when i wrote and said that i was a free agent and that if you want my vote you better message me or else someone else will...i got messages from jd logan sam which is interesting. i think sam knows that hes the person i talk to the least so he wants some communication in before im juror...eh...and logan and jd seemed to really want me to know they werent against me...i do actually believe them but that doesnt mean they are gonna go trying to save my ass. honestly just give me that spot in emathia hvv. if i can somehow win this immunity by a stroke of genius itll be my mission to make sure someone good leaves and we dont waste a round by getting david/logan/jd out. oh also i love lydia. and cami.

LOGAN

Also! Heck everyone on this tribe! Literally everyone lied to me last night except for Duncan, Matt and Ryan, and ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS NOW GONE BY MY HAND. I didn't want to vote for Matt! If I could have gotten rid of Trevor YER DARN TOOTIN I WOULD HAVE! I just didn't read the rules bc I'm a #idiot. If it weren't for Duncan actually trusting me, I would have voted for David or Trevor and looked stupid as heck. I also told Trevor that the "other side" trusts me which is... well, true, because I am the other side. I'm literally about to play his own game and fucking leak false information to him. Maybe flush an idol, maybe flip someone. I will never trust anyone in this game again. Within the next four rounds I'm going unless I can win challenges. It was a good run.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158609746461/immunity-10

DAVID

Me on the bottom? just where i like it! anyway Ali was like "It was rough yesterday ryan was yelling at me ):" and im like bitch I literally didnt vote in the majority and you did can you actually shut your mouth because you have nothing to worry about

ALI

Welp, I have lots to talk about, so I am gonna break it up into sections:

Firstly, I am super happy to have made final 10. Like already outlasting 12 people in a season is a huge achievement! Yesterday's vote got a bit crazy, but I think its opened my eyes as to the next steps I need to take to advance my game. Firstly, in memoriam of Matt. I wouldn't have expected to vote him out so soon, but he'd begun trying to turn the tides against a member of my alliance, and he didn't have a majority, so I almost had to go on the 'Trevor' side. Furthermore, when he was talking about the potential 'majority' that'd take out Trevor, he didn't include Sam or JD, who I'd expected him too, as we'd been working together up to that point. His willingness to just leave out allies, meant that he just had to go :( Next Sam. I feel super bad for Sam. I was encouraging him to use the idol, when it was unnecessary. Our conversation leading up to him playing it though super brought us together, so I'm hoping I have his vote going forwards. Next, I got to play Touchy Subjects! I was so excited for that, and even though it was super hard to make some tough decisions, I really enjoyed it and can't wait to see the results! :) Now, onto 'Tea Time with Ryan'. In my opinion, Ryan screwed up. Like, people get that Trevor is a threat, but all that his temper tantrum did, is make sure people don't want to work with him (at least in my opinion). Like I definitely intend on making a move against the Trevor/Owen power duo, in the next coming votes, however I don't think I'll necessarily want to include David or Ryan (unless one of them happens to still be in the game). I'd potentially want to make that move, with a group of 'Duncan,Me,Sam,JD and Lydia'- I'd super want to bring in Logan as a 5th, but JD is weirdly stubborn about not wanting to work with them. I'm not sure why. Looking super long term, there are a number of threats, that I need to remove before F3. Those people include but aren't limited to: Owen, Trevor, Lydia and Ryan Like I don't want to go to F3 with any of them. My dream F3 would be with David and JD, as I feel like those two are the two I have the greatest chance of beating. I wouldn't necessarily have a problem sitting there with Logan or Duncan either. Even Sam is kinda too big of a threat. As promised to Jay, here is a quick breakdown of my thoughts on each tribemate: Ryan: I may be the lap dog, but you’ll be the one heading to the pound JD: My F2, think I may potentially be able to beat them. Really get on with them. I think them being stubborn about not working with Logan may cost us a bit. I don’t get why they so passionately want them out eek Logan: Super sweet person, sucks that we haven’t up to this point been able to work together game-wise Trevor: Really like him, but he is just too big of a threat Owen: Same as Trevor, would almost want to keep him longer though. We’ll see Duncan: I don’t know what to think of him? Like I feel like we’re close, but at the same time, maybe we aren’t David: We barely talk. Like almost never. Lydia: Kinda scary strategy wise, but a great mentor Sam: Love him too, but he is kinda a threat Who is the tenth person? I can’t remember for the life of me. In conclusion, everyone is a threat and they all need to go.

DUNCAN

On 3/20/17, at 2:25 PM, Unkie Dunkie wrote:

> Me: He poisoned our water supply! Burned our crops! And delivered a plague onto our houses! > Sam: He did!? > Me: Nooo! But are we just gonna wait around until he does!? On 3/20/17, at 2:26 PM, Unkie Dunkie wrote: > Me about matt summers to Sam

-

WHEW! THAT WAS FOR YOU EDDIE!!! <3 A few things. Ali leaked that matt summers had a 6 of me him Ali rtp Logan and

DAVID ROBB

https://m.popkey.co/97b4c1/Dj0DV_s-200x150.gif

I've not talked to any of y'all! You formed a majority without me on our original tribe! And when matt came to me I wasn't having it tbh.On 3/19/17, at 7:28 PM, Matthew Summers wrote: > So like idk if you have any sort of vendetta against me but that was what the last message he sent me started with. Like, I DO have a vendetta against you, you said "its hard for you to trust me", verbatim, and YOU VOTED OUT MY SHOWMANCE BINCH! KARMA IS A BITCH NAMED HARMONIA!! Please also know, I was at work when shit was hitting the fan.  I'm so glad that everything went according to plan despite the plan being leaked. It made sense for Samuel to idol trevor, it built their trust, and it prevented any scare of a tie. Now I just need to find out who has the idol now. The more the idol transfers hands, the messier allegiances are going to be. RTP did call out owen and Trevor on having multiple final threes with people and it did make me think about my long term game. Its going to be really hard for me to take on owen or Trevor in the end. My best bets hones lee? My best bets would have to be with either Logan or one of the newbies or samuel. Like Samuel would get the newbies vote but I might be able to pull off the rest? idk. I know for short term, as long as I'm good with Samuel, I'm good with the newbies, bc he knows everything about them. So I know If I want to go deep I need to *shudders* continue to stick with sam. I know that its dangerous to go deep with sam because he is always a contender for the W, but I need to make sure I get to the end before I start thinking about votes or anything like that. So if that means taking another inch of sam down my throat than so be it. 

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158645180036/immunity-results

OWEN

IM FUCKING SNATCHED BALD I CANT VELIEVE I WON HOLY FUCKING HSJSJSJSJDJDJDJDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJNDJDJDJDJD ME WHEN I WOULDNT HAVE WON IF I DIDNT CHANGE MY LAST ANSERR LAST MINUTE????? I don't think?? FUCK

TREBOR GONMA BEAT MY GAY ASS WHEN HE FINDS OUT I BEAT HIM AFTER HIS ADVANTAGES YIKES!!!! YIKES!!!

-

"she [Jay]  doesn't believe anything not in a confessional" sandra, aubry, cirie and michaela are co-winning survivor game changers and neda, ika, and cass are co-winning bbcan5 it's just the facts, folks

TREVOR AND OWEN

https://youtu.be/r-NzfAsCXh0

SAM

Hey why is nobody talking?????? this is supposed to be a chaotic vote???? is it me???? i guess these lame-os don't know that i have another idol????

DAVID

Ryan: Sam just thinks youre a vote with me Me: I mean is he wrong. IS HE WRONG!!!!!!

TREVOR

https://youtu.be/B7Ad9-RNKzg

DUNCAN

Okay a few things. Owen told me about Trevor giving sam his idol and obvi We can tell sam gave Trevor the idol bc of trev's disad in the challenge. Ummm I told Ali about the cursed idol and hopefully that gives me some foundation with him for the future moving forward. The vote apparently is for David. That's what I've been told. I'm hoping that if things go off the rails I'm not the one getting hit by the train. I don't think I'm the biggest threat? But you can never know what's going through a persons head. I'm planting seeds for samuel's blindside rn. I'm sharpening my sword. Hopefully I'm still here to slay the beast

LOGAN

im bein played

OWEN

whew!!! what a time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Matt Summers ultimately left and I think, in doing so, the game was mostly put in perspective: Ryan/David voted with him, Logan/Duncan are now officially together, the Sam/Ali/JD thing still exists as does Trevor/myself/Lydia. However, I...need Sam out of this game. And Ali, for that matter. So I went to Duncan and we talked without Trevor this time about potentially making a move soon. It's probably not a good idea this round, but potentially next round Duncan/Logan/me/Trevor/Lydia could make something happen? So I was SHOOK when JD started gunning for Logan this round??? Like...way to make it obvious you're trying to keep Ryan in the game, who is literally playing you just like Sam and Trevor and all of the returnees are. Whew! So I didn't want Logan gone at all cause that fucks everything up for future plans, so I tried to push it back on Ryan. Sam, Ali, JD, and Lydia continued to be completely like....unresponsive about the vote until finally Lydia spoke up about doing David and I'm like...as long as it isn't Logan, that's fine by me! :) God JD was like telling Trevor how he was the leader and how nobody would listen to her if she tried to get Logan out and I'm like....girl lol Survivor 101 - Don't TELL someone they're the leader. They don't want the target on their back!!!!!!!!!! Huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So :) We'll see! Maybe it'll be David going, maybe someone else will get fucked up and I'll have nothing to do with it, but honestly at this point there are a lot of people who, if they leave, it benefits me in some way. Ryan and David can go, Sam Ali and JD can go, and Trevor, though I don't want him gone right now, would ultimately take a target off of my back if he left. As long as it isn't Duncan or Logan then I'm good. AND IT CAN'T BE ME :) Whew! Just a day in the life!

ALI

Provided David goes home tonight (which it seems he will pretty unanimously), I think my game is super on the up. Its been clarified that Trevor is a huge threat, and watching conversations develop, its clear he has Sam with him, and Owen is of course linked to him, who is tied to Duncan. Those 4 are dangerous, as they seem inflexible and will likely stick together. It'll really blow to betray Sam, but it's seemingly necessary :( Lydia is a godsend. She is down to make a move on that four, alongside Ryan, JD, Logan and myself. I've finally rebuilt a relationship with Logan, which is great, (I think they're iconic and would love to bring them in as apart of a majority). I also think someone is lying about room 9 and Logan genuinely didn't go. I can hopefully now work with that 4 to do some major to the 'other side'. Woomph, I'm super excited! :) I am slightly scared of the damage being voted 'hero' and someone 'people would like to see win' will cause, but hopefully, also being voted a goat will nullify that! I MAY'VE MADE FINAL 9 AND I'M VERY EXCITED! :) (famous last words). I could've just been a prophet or I just flopped it. That kinda rhymed, but not really. I  guess we'll never know if I make it or not (or at least until the vote reveal in like 15mins). -Ali Out! (but hopefully not of the game)

OWEN

in other news this round has been fishy and I feel like something fishy is about to happen

JD

So Isaac leaving, that was very sad actually. I don't think that there was many people up at the time but we talked and I can feel for him. Not to the extent, but its sad. 

-

Scott getting striked out was not a surprise. He has not been very active from the beginning anyway 

-

Matt's vote, that was crazy. That was, tight. The night before tribal Matt went to Ali and told him that he was thinking about voting out Trevor. Being that me, Ail, Trevor and Lydia were in a final four, me and Ali agreed that this wasn't going to happen so we agreed that we would keep an eye on Matt and try to calm him down so that he would stop targeting Trevor. The only way we were going to tell Trevor was if Matt was really going to push it and as it turns out he really wanted to push it. So it was time to do what we did with Sam, save that ass.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158684167421/tribal-council-9

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 5

My final note before I kill myself I'm not actually going to kill myself. I'm letting the dying parts die. Say goodbye to them. Wow holy shit my whole back just got a wave of feeling. This is it. I know if I don't go for what I want I'm going to lose it. So I'm sharing everything that I have inside. Because I've been wanting to for a long time. For many reasons, some more noble than others. Daqui a pouco to escrevendo nas outras linguas. Hey duke Well, I have to completely go for what I want. You will know what that feels like. I had a dream last night that turned out to be symbolic of what happened today. Its not that hard because your subconscious mind always knows what's going on.I have a considerable amount of magic to my person but ill tell you now I lose things, I have anxiety attacks and a fixation on food and body type, and I'm telling you this because I can't let you think I'm a no faceted perfect lady. Hey lady. Molly plays with my feelings I wonder how many years that could last. As long as Natalie is my friend. Kad thinks I'm a Nazi. That makes me upset. Now I'm thinking about Mikala from midtown west. Dont know why. Cause I'm not a fucking Nazi damn. That's extremely offensive Why are all these thoughts coming into my head? Whups. Lost it again. Sex is sacred but our movies and tv shows over hype it and put ideas in our head. One time I told Jamie I was gay.I actually thought it was true at the time...that's such an awkward thing to explain. I know I don't have to fucking explain myself but I want to because I care that the other person is on the same page as me!! No I miss you too in a weird way I've been wanting to share all my real thoughts for a long time. And now is the only time because the last couple days I have been dangerously close to having a breakdown. I have been crying in the street for 2 days And I also have been wanting to tell everyone what I actually think all the time I think my problem is that I have a habit of thinking about things ruim like I just think about sad shit a lot. And my comfort levels are always unstable Shailesh balla I don't know whose name that is. Shoulda brought my journal but I didn't think I was going to want to write. I want to do something to soothe my worries. My top worries are money, food, having something stolen from me, being raped. Its weird that I'm so worried that someone is going to rape me when I haven't been raped in this lifetime. But I would always get strong images of being raped. Except I was black so it wasn't in this lifetime. I want to soothe my worries telling myself that expecting the worst isn't good for my health. My focus goes rotten sometimes. I have to go to where I want to go to. I'm grateful for what I have. And not in a lame way either. I think I'm most worried that something will be taken from me. Money or whatever. When has that caused my death? Only when I sunk into the sadness and grieving. Grieving for my jewelry. Don't have a choice but to keep going. My grandparents on my moms side were such a huge influence on me throughout my life What is life anyway? We are all here wondering what to do with ourselves. And I can only have these thoughts because I have money I wanna work like Malcolm x did Tryinng to soothe my chronic worrying. Maybe ill find a paradise somewhere. Kalien photograph Deangelo Silva Thais is a sexy name. I'm tired and a little gassy but I'm going to go out anyway to see what the fuss is about. Because I wouldn't be satisfied if I just went to sleep Reflecting on resentment. I can feel this is a strong hook. This is a strong feeling in my body. I resent the cruelty of survival in the midst of civilization built by half asleep beings. My thoughts lead me to duke and this is what I have to say about that. I resent being treated wrongly by him. He treated me wrongly because he was my soul mate and he was supposed to help me and love me through everything I can't have sex!!!!! I hate having sex with people that suck at itI Which is almost everyone I resent everyone because I am so shy it hurts to see people who I connect with sometimes. Something inside of me is very tender and sore and I have been neglecting her. She's not ready to see anyone. I can resent and I do. For. Not being there with his feelings and not being there with mine. But i have to admit its not fair of me to just expect someone to take on all my problems with me. And I know this has something to do with the fact that my mother would throw crying fits at me and I had no idea how to act. Because that's what you do right? You don't say anything to people so they think your nice and then you have an explosive breakdown on whoever gets caught in your shit. Right? Oops Still letting go of my feeling of resentment. I'm a self help queen. Not sorry. Maybe just a little bit. But listen, I'm actually getting somewhere in my emotions. The blocks I have to getting what I want are emotional so if I can move and change my emotional body, I'm set. Sex Everyone sucks at it except for Ursula and mau 90 percent of males I meet think about fucking me That's pathetic Don't you think you're craving a closeness?instead?no? I don't know you its not my business I acho que tó errada I can pretty easily see what I did wrong. But I'm a sad sack and its easy for me to get into self blame. Those thoughts make me really depressed. But I guess it doesn't matter I don't have to have a perfect personality I don't even have to have a personality NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARDS AM I DUKE? Oops I've said so many bitchy things to my friends who I love so much..somebody needs to slap me. I hope they can forgive me. Well we're still friends so... Who the fuck taught me to be afraid of everyone? Walking around feeling like I'm rotting from the inside and I can't trust anyone and yet I want to meet all their eyes and see what's inside. When you're thoughts are just swimming with someone else. Julia, Duke, Kaara Someone who I barely talk to. I'm the pathetic one. It feels good to think that right now...die ego die!!!! So I will begin to close of this meditation. I would like to let go of my resentment. It will be carried away by the strength of the planets. Just saying what I believe. A very powerful tool. I had to re-read what I had written and confront that maybe my focus is terrible because I live in an age full of distractions and sometimes I have to be distracted to avoid major depression and having a fit and getting arrested. Sometimes I want to just break the glasses in the cafes. Or the stores. That urge has been with me for months and I still haven't acted on it. Stay tuned. So if I'm letting go of resentment, I'm letting go of my feeling of entitlement to. I will always give myself the best of what I can. But I cannot live off of taking from other people.I don't want to. Their money or their prana. Sorry Kaara. Half asleep over here. You did it too. I liked your insecurity because I could feel better about myself. And my own insecurity. Someone shut me up nobody wants to hear about my emotions. Oh that thought again. I'm expressing myself not trying to.....be right...but I am I came down to the beach because I thought it would be the best place. I was living in the street for a week. I'm not now we are paying for a room. Its cheaper than anything else but this is such a popular location that its still a fair chunk of money. But its worth it to drink the healing waters (there's a natural fountain of groundwater. Clean and delicious if your gut can handle it. We wanted to leave but I think we were both resisting the healing....me and my friend rua. I'm paying for all of our food (and we're been to restaurants a few times) but its because I know my core beliefs are not in line with me keeping my money for myself. I think I jumped the gun a little here anyway. This is another topic. Dissolve my resentment. Sometimes I was treated wrongly. Sometimes I just felt entitled to get what I want and when whoever couldn't meet my needs, I get upset. Flashes of bring abused in past lives. Nothing I could write today. My collective head gets it but I needed to write for nova, the 3-d being I can't believe I'm missing that show I can't believe it I must be missing out fuck fuck fuck I have to be away I have to be here I am doing good here I am doing good here I just need something in my stomach to settle I need to sleep a little more. Ooohhh if I had some weed and I could sleep a little more id have it made. But I'm shyyyyyy There is a voice in the back of my head asking me to write and to learn new languages. God damn, I think I'm an Artist. After reading some writing by Patti Smith, I feel a little confused and jealous. My writing is so....unprretty specific and not artistic. I want to write something beautiful. If it is beauty I am after...well, I already know what that looks like. I already know who owns beauty. Earth beauty. Eternal beauty Nobody leave me alone. I wouldn't want to be alone anyway. On my own some angel meets me Oh maybe I can write pretty things Write an essay of something Masses of pissed off folk are gonna have something big to say in this life or next just you wait mr big shot. Big gun nuclear ammo. I bet you thought you could stop the art from saving us all. What rennessaince would you try to stop then who are you trying to stop and why don't you love me!? Mister big thing My boyfriend keeps me safe I don't love him but he's good company and when we have to have sex its pretty good I don't think he feels the same way. I think homeboy was looking for a real namorado. Never seen anyone who looked like me. I made a cheese sandwich for my friend and now I want one cause I ate them when I was a kid. I feel like a baby still! Cosmic smoke womb. I don't care, ill take it Bad coffee Oi viado Its not that hard to learn a new language if you think you can do it I have been waiting years to learn about the stars. I always new the universe was a synchronized conglomerate of matter, but coming across systems I can keep record of. Beleza There's a feeling that sometimes overcomes me in my dreams that I'm being choked and can't breathe. These mosquitoes are biting me Somehow I manage to superimpose my fears on reality. Na janela aberta entrou meu convidado da noite, meu inimigo pior e o amor infernal que guardo para me gozar And, choking, I cry out for help. Cry out to whoever can hear me and be here with me. I don't care who I have to hide from myself. Excuse me for a second. My heart saw a pain and took it. Walking around shopping malls My candy heart Left my heart in Mexico City She was bed-ridden like me. But that's beside the point. We were frantic when we met and frantic when you held my hand and I breathed my first sigh of relief there. He loves me. I'm squirming in my seat Left my heart in Mexico City I THINK about YOU STILL but I think its more about me than it ever was about you. Still in Mexico City With its booming economy And great tortillas. All the cars and things that make up a city nowadays I went backpacking and somebody loves me still Left it in Mexico City. Now the reason for me to write The greatest poem I've ever written We were saying goodbye. I said I wanted to stay and I meant it but I didn't think I was going to stay. I have to go to work Still in Mexico City He must have thought I was going to stay I should have stayed. But I was lost in my work and I couldn't find my rights. So I ended up in Brazil with a hurt sciatica nerve and he's still in Mexico City with my heart that I left there And I think about him still but its more about me...right? I am undeserving As the words form my heart (the one that came with me) remains confused I hope you pick up on this and reveal yourself to me. But you don't have to. I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't going to leave. I was always going to leave. Tipo assim. But I just wanted to stay... Left my heart in Mexico City My back is cracking way too much it hurts and this can't be good for me. I want to go home. Wheere is home? My back is stressed out. I'm worried. Worried not looking I don't think I've ever been so offended. I just lost a friend. Telling me about my insufferable privilege. Hiding. I don't want to pay because I can live without money...........and fuck me if its only my privilege that lets me do that and think like that and write like this. I'm going to do it. I understand that I am privileged I feel incredibly guilty like I am not like, worthy of love because I have money But I never tell people that because no one will ever understand! Sad because I have money. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous I should be rejoicing but I'm not I I just want to die and be buried in my 10000 reais and die. Every time I hear the word money I wanna die. Give it all away slowly to people who appreciate it. Rua never hears me. I don't have time for that. I just need to sort out my thoughts A new poem Sugar eaters God again god blessed to have you to have found you Walking down the street in my hometown new york city Walking down the aisles but I'm in my mind Again Blessed are these sugar crystals that feed my teeth eaters we're sugar eaters blessed are these sugar crystals And a calm comes over us A little upset a little unrest its all the sugar eaters eating your teeth. My words are twisted like mind. You have to run around loaning me your time. How lucky I am to have found you. You bring me sweet coffee and I do not resist. The hot sun beats and we refuge in the shade. Our hot Brazil sun but I am walking down the aisles in my mind in my hometown I have money for all the sugar crystals I could ever need. But she doesn't want to have it from me. Blessed are these sugar crystals brought to us by the sugar goddesses, just trying to be sweet. Just trying to be sweet I have all the money I need Try to be sweet I have all the money I need There's something under the surface you're not seeing units swimming under. Your feet and I feel a little bit afraid. That the whole. Thing is going to collapse and crumble under my feet. Or lava will come up of its will and displace all of us Walking around with latent fear There's something under your feet maybe a bug lurking in your belly You're writing because you're a smart girl. You get into a new feeling and slip away quietly. You left. Joker Is jesting Later I saw him crying I had a flash of the future And it didn't come true exactly butt I swear I saw something like it My privilege is a bunch of dead flowers My privilege is rotting fruit More privileged than you for not having the need of water Have to walk miles for water I had to walk about 10 minutes for water and I felt a little bit like a prophet, or something of the sort Live in a house Live in a city In a country where you are not under threat of being bombed Your house could be bombed My privileges are rotting Watch tv Hear about the wars Light up your green and laugh with your friends Until your gut hurts We are friends, I don't want to take it there again My privileges are rotting fruit My journal January 25th 2017 Sitting in my boyfriends bedroom inn araial dajuda. I hope he's watching me. He has been my boyfriend for a few days only. I asked him what he wanted today and he said "I want what you want" my heart just about melted. I knew I liked him because I felt my heart get warm and I knew his lsd was pure, which is rare. And briefly, I am going to write some of the best poetry I have ever written. But not yet. I'm not ready Sometimes it's just not worth it and you have to let it go. But you always speak to the moment and you always try your hardest. And even though I have lice eggs in my hair I know the universe is going to protect me and my problems are going to pass. Write like I have a problem that needs airing out. But I don't have that mood exactly. My systems are more or less okay. Some of the best poetry I have ever written. He is the reason for my poetry. Nothing but a man and he's skinny. Taller than me and I don't think he can defend me. He has a penis and breath like everyone else but he sees energy and he loves seeing energy and neither of us understand it...but we love it and we want to know as much as we can about it. I need to.......oh right He will be the cause of the best poem I ever write. I don't know if I believe that. Money worries have to be let go of. I can't hold on to everything all the time. Universe synchronized. Daily mundane things going about your things and you just notice how good the breeze feels and that you're right by the sea in a beautiful city. Here isn't a good place to eat. My memory with Julia the rock star. Time to write my autobiography. But take it seriously. Make it right. I love my feelings so much I don't feel like I'm done writing. Nobody was really trying to con me that hard. Just trying to amuse themselves at the expense of others feelings. Uh, is that too bleak for you? Get over it. Gentrified vegan crab cakes. Oops. What? She's gonna kill me. I'm afraid and I have poop in my gut I feel it. I'm tired but something is missing. In tired to go to bed with my boyfriend who I just met but I know I love. In my way.too tired to worry His smell is intoxicating. That boy smell. She told me to follow my heart but I think my heart bate papo its not the strongest...but I can feel it. Morre than a lot of people could say. Stuffed some cotton in my underwear because my menstrual blood is releasing. And all this money and packaging. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. Nothing is in the way of me doing something except for me because I'm scared. I'm scared. This place has me held happily as prisoner. I give up. Rob me. Kill me. Not if I get you first. Writing for you writing for you. Nothing is stopping me except my fear and my concept about money I left arraial dajuda and now I want to go back because I was loving it....it was time for me to just take a break....I want to just stay with people who I know are my friends. I want to stay where I feel safe. And I want to kiss guilherme again. Its not fair that I could spend almost 500 reais just to try to get away. Fuck. I am going back because I feel the most happy that way. I don't want to be alone any more.... I don't want to be alone not knowing where the he'll I'm going and these things. If I was here alone and feeling fine....I could bee that person...maybe ... But I would rather just not be alone right now honestly. I don't wanna wait and wait until I feel love again. I want the love I felt already. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and I can't have him anymore...but I know that's not going to happen. Lice and all. I needed to leave. I regretted it pretty quickly Part of me wants to keep traveling forever...and another part wants to go home and be with my family again...or both. I don't know if I want to volunteer with this yogic nun in her biodiversity organic yoga thing. Part of me wants to go home. But I also have an intense interest in this. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to go back and forth. But I don't really wanna stay in the city of brasilia Make up for it. Compensate. Sitting at the bar alone. Like a character in a movie. Waiting on my love to walk in the door. Thinking many of the same things at once. Tired but I know I'm not going anywhere. Its so easy to fight your feelings and write what you didn't want to write something about the universal flow and how it affects you how your stars have been so aligned recently and how they always were bus you just didn't notice. I sit in a state of wonderment and disgust as I am interrupted by a greedy old man with no money making his presence very known to me Just remind yoself help remind your self. I need another distraction to distract me from the pain of needing to eat and needing to steal and depending on millions of other people for my food. I need another distraction. The earth is quickly dying as I see it, but I know people who think otherwise. I should have stayed in Brazil. My friends just want to poison themselves with alcohol and I want to run away with my love but I left him in Brazil. I need to eat For many years I've obsessed over my corporeal form, my body. What it says about me. I can't get out of this.....its my way of dealing with my feelings. Its just in my being but I mean, I'm gonna end up tearing out to shreds I already know. I can't stay here with these demons eating at me. I see real I wish I had someone with me. Makes me feel like I need to eat something. Probably end up a pedophile like my dad Why doesn't anyone understand thoughts and feelings? This is pathetic. I wish I had someone with me I could be screaming but she wouldn't hear. Known her for years I just want to be with her again. No one can stop me if I just show up Its so hard to feel things. Its so hard to actually sense things. This world is set up for profit for invention and for narcissism!! Oh god what did I do I slept with my ex I slept with my ex he's a beacon of truth like me or a liar I don't really know Cause its not that straightforward at all I can't just read mounds so easily as I wish I could but I'm not bad when you compare me to most people. I think that my new haircut suits me . on nahrt okay my own energy reading is a little faulty. . A few days later and unrealized how badly I am conpartmentalizing things I wish I wasn't so emotionally cold but I believe I have to be this way to be an artist...that can't be true. ... Get up and talk to someone but it tires me what's so bad about being tired I can't ignore my bodily needs why does it make you tired because they only like to hear certain things and I have to think about it.   Sometimes I write cause i don't know what else to do.. Like now...my head will hurt if I go talk to other people I'm just trying to maintain a high vibration no I'm serious this is town in doing it and I'm not belittling my mission no way I'm not gonna hurt myself I want to maintain a high vibration and sometimes its hard for me to do that when I talk to other people. But I can't let this exclude people from my reality because everyone is worthy of attention and love!!! Everyone is worthy of it and I'm not letting it go for all the money or all the fame in the world everyone's feelings matter sometimes I am the absolute worst when it comes to that. I want to message michael maybe he can distract me from my problems. Everryone does. He is different. He is just the same I knew I felt something strong with him I love his ambition and I want to see it develop and that means staying with him for a bit I want to see his ambition develop his!!I'm starting to think I gotta let go of that whole shit with sam, cause I don't really like being jealous. You know why my head really hurts? Cause I'm letting myself be alone too long . I'm obsessive is what I'm actually trying to say. I'm not sure who you think I am but I don't mind much. I'm not a cool person all I want from you is conversation and cuddles There's this black of my connection like I'm talking to a wall and not to michael I think I'm fucking up I could be talking to myself in various ways. Maybe his souls just close to mines anyway enough that it feels like I'm with myself? I'm aware of the seperateness but I really would rather live in the thought of we are all one soul

[tumblunni]

MAN I tried messing around starting newgame plus on Digimon Cyber Sleuth, even though I’ve played more than enough already so I’m not really gonna play again so soon after finishing. And... WHAT THE HELL?? Seriously this is like a one game microcosm of how you don’t realise how much you’re being mistreated until you see how the other side lives. Specifically on the subject of weird minority stereotypes... The difference between the designs/animations/general presentation of the two gender options is REALLY BIZARRE?? I had no clue! Playing as the girl you just kinda think ‘yeah thats weird maybe’ but you dont realise the dude doesnt have the same problems. Like... she VERY MUCH suffers from the ‘miss male character’ trope. She’s the weird sort of ‘lol sexy genderswap deviantart fanfiction’ version of a female option. I thought I was just reading too much into it with how the girl is posed like a supporting character on the boxart and literally never appeared in any of the promotional material until the game came out... Its just so... ODD! Everything EVERYTHING about her is defined to be this overthetop stereotypical idea of ‘we have to let them know she’s the girl version’. She’s far more sexualized, she always does these ‘girly’ or ‘hot’ poses for LITERALLY EVERYTHING! Like, the dude’s animation is just running but she has to run with her arms wide out to the sides, skipping like a five year old and swaying her hips. And her standing pose also has the hands out, her toes inturned, her chest thrust forwards and this general sort of ‘tee hee hee’ thing?? It really REALLY started to bug me how her chest is ALWAYS thrust forwards, I started to get super anxious about ‘holy shit am I ever doing that when I walk and i dont know it? is this really how female bodies are supposed to work??’. Its like her resting pose is this thing and its extremely painful for her to fold her joints back into a normal mode. And she’s always always posing when the dude isnt posing AT ALL, even her selection screen image is her doing the ‘one leg bounces back while you kiss someone’ type pose, contorted into a wild accordion while he’s just looking at the camera. I jsut... didnt even realise what was bothering me so much about playing as this character, til i saw the total absence of it on the dude... SERIOUSLY! He doesnt have some overstereotypical super huge macho animation set, his design isnt made to yell ‘I’M MALE’, he isnt sexualized, he isnt the ‘one body type everyone in this gender has to have’. He’s a scrawny androgenous waif that could have worked equally well if you slapped the label female on that design, somehow to make him female they decided they had to scoop out holes in his waist and hips and shove them on his chest. While also adding a bazillion extra animations that make her walk around everywhere like that one damn gif of terrible ragdoll physics as some guy walks down a road. I did not understand that whole assassins creed controversy about ‘but women need more animations, it’d be too much work to add them’. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Why on EARTH do they think they need these animations?? Women dont have to do everything differently to men to prove theyre women, in real life literally nobody worries about accentuating stereotypical gender roles while doing COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS. Women dont put huge effort into looking cute or sexy while they’re just frickin walking down the street or standing alone in the privacy of their own home. Its like these people know so little about women outside of hollywood femme fatale movies that they legit think that sort of walk cycle is biologically ingrained into one gender???? The fact nobody ever acts like macho bodybuilder walk cycles should be given to normal tiny teenagers in every situation makes it pretty clear the difference here... And seriously, what is even this universal THING that ‘male are default, you need to mark a character as different to show she’s female’? Which usually means making her more feminine than the real female actor playing her, like that even makes a damn lick of sense :P I mean seriously if we’re gonna talk actual biology, men are the ‘different’. A species cannot exist with only men, the only one sex species are all female. Or lack a sex, or contain both sets of genitals. Also there is at least one bird species that has two male genders as well as female. And male seahorses get pregnant, and male clownfish can physically transition into females as part of their natural life cycle. And all sorts of far more diverse things we humans can barely understand! And like... you can say ‘women are the different and men are the blank, because women have boobs and men don’t’. But you can also say that women are the default because men are the same thing with penises added. And seriously, boobs are just nipples that actually serve their intended purpose. Women have this extra function compared to men because MALE BREASTS ARE VESTIGAL! The organ still exists, it just sits there doing nothing and never changes at puberty. (Though even that is more fluid that you’d expect, there are ways to induce lactation even if you’re a cis man. i dont really know why anyone would want to do that, it wouldnt exactly work as well, but whatever.) Aaaaand OF COURSE this entire thing is a stupid argument anyway because it only talks about biology, which is not the same thing as gender. Not to mention that biological sex isn’t all cut and dry either, the human species has A LOT of different intersex conditions. You can even have people who don’t have significant enough outward symptoms to be recognised as intersex at birth, who go their whole life thinking they’re a cis male only to suddenly find out they had an undiagnosed hormone condition and are technically a trans man. There is most definately no magical biological guideline for how men and women act. Especially frickin stupid nonsense like overspecific cultural guidelines on what’s cute for a woman to do while running, geez. You really can;t just ‘tell’ that someone is ‘really a woman’ or ‘really a man’ cos of how they act, and thats why this stuff pisses me off even when the story isnt saying anything about trans people. I’m so used to seeing this overexaggerated japanese concept of feminine/masculine mannerisms being used on trans stereotypes, it bugs me even seeing it being done to cis women... gahh this has gone wildly offtopic and I’m just venting Everything Bad About Stereotypes rather than the specific thing about this specific game I need to logoff and go cheer myself up. OH BUT yeah this game also literally has a friggin ‘we can tell this man is really a woman because mannerisms’ scene :P which also dissappointed the hell out of me cos it seemed like a trans character and instead it was the cliche I Had Some Reason To Pretend To Be A Man thing... Also apparantly instead of acting like that male persona, the male persona was magical brainwashing virtual reality stuff. What a wasted opportunity! You could have told us a lot of stuff about her personality from comparing how she acted while under this other fake personality, and what it implies she hides from other people. Like ‘hey, maybe she actually can be confident as long as she’s wearing a mask!’ Nah, everything badass or tough or sassy she did was just mind control. And she’s not trans. And blehh being outed by ‘acting like a girl’... Its so weird cos the game actually does have one trans npc in a sidequest, and has trans themes with a few major digimon. In the sense that they were male in previous seasons and have designs considered ‘masculine’ but take female forms when disguising themselves as humans. (and the player-controlled versions of these digivolutions even have different masculine voices matching earlier seasons!) Gahhhh at least I can sit here hugging my ambiguously genderqueer alphamon headcanons and nobody can tell me those arent canon cos the question was never answered either way! I hate the cliche answer that ‘yes all alphamons are male cos they ‘look male’, this one was just a man disguised as a woman’, but still even if that was the intent, it means the character is trans coded! EITHER OPTION IS TRANS TIME protect me, alphamon protect me from super gender essentialist game how do you even EXIST in this game?? seriously even your human disguise was super fanservicey weird female stereotypes mannnnnn i guess I had a few problems with this game aside from the one stupid rape scene :P aaaaand the problem of the game clearly being written assuming nobody would play the female option, so characters still constantly call you ‘he’ and such the only good consolation being that the game accidentally becomes Hella Gay, though I would have preferred canon lesbians instead of this weirdness WHY CANT FEI AND YUUKO BE CANON IT GOT SO CLOSE TO BEING CANON THEN FEI DISSAPPEARED FROM THE PLOT FOREVER only reappearing as a postgame newgame plus bonus boss that makes it impossible to complete the damn Masters Cup damn you fei damn you awesome amazing hella gay fei whom i love you deserved to be in a better game you deserved to be the matt-esque rival, i will never forget that you started off teasing that role and then just vanished... HELL, CAN SHE BE THE PROTAGONIST OF A SEQUEL OR SOMETHING game entirely about her and yuuko’s amazing story of love! also alphamon wandering in just to yell ‘I AM CANONICALLY TRANSGENDER’, make everyone a cup of coffee, and leave aaaaa why did i spend so long rambling every single complaint about this game, games in general, gender stereotypes in gender, life in general... its weird how just realizing ONE THING about a stupid walk cycle animation made me realise my general nebulous feeling of uncomfortableness that I could never explain about this game :P I am really excited for digimon world next order being better than this!