#even if im not super pleased with how this came out ive got six more days so !!!

[wordfires]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Critical Role (Web Series) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Essek Thelyss, Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein Series: Part 1 of Essek Week 2021

i’m doing essek week this year! i’ve never actually dont stuff like this before but i thought i’d give it a go. in any case thanks to @essek-week for putting this together!

you can read on ao3 or here, but this is for the day one prompt which was whiskey // battle

Battle was not Essek’s forte, as he had found out through the past few days travelling with the Mighty Nein. First it had been the frost giants, where he had barely been able to haste Yasha, then whatever the strange beast following that had been. For that he had only managed to gather his wits enough to slow the creature before it too was decimated by his friends, who were admittedly far more organized in combat than he had originally given them credit for. The next creature, some sort of worm centipede thing that had made Essek want to be sick, hadn’t even been around long enough for him to do anything.

And now they were wiping its guts off themselves and marching forward. He had made the mistake of going first, offering his eyes as they were better in the dark of Aeor’s halls. It was not untrue, but he was only marginally calmed by Fjord’s quiet presence at his side. If there was any comfort it was Caleb behind him, keen blue eyes matching that mind of his. Neither of which Essek was thinking about, of course,  as he was meant to be looking for any further creatures or hints as to where they should be going or traps.

And it was for entirely unrelated reasons, perhaps something in the air had gotten in his eye, that Essek heard Fjord’s warning yell before he saw the five crystalline creatures that had pulled away from the shadowed walls in front of them. They glowed a sharp white-blue, drawing a hiss from his lips as he squinted against them, only realizing the threat they posed as the air chilled and the frost burned at the tips of his ears. 

Yasha’s battle cry washed over him and as Veth’s arrows and the vibrant green of Fjord’s magic pelted the creatures, Essek shook the cold off, collecting his wits. 

One breath in, one breath out. 

Drawing the familiar geometry into the air with resistant fingers.

A small grin as practised words fell off his tongue and he felt the spell coalesce in his hands, the air trembling ever so slightly around him as he pushed it towards the creatures, releasing it from his grasp the moment they were all encased.

He watched the spell form, a sphere of shadow expanding outward, just translucent enough to watch as they were pulled together, a jumbled tangle of ice spines and briefly dimming light stilling just for a second before the spell dissipated into the air, two of the creatures falling to the ground and shattering, shards of ice skittering across the floor.

Essek stepped back, and his focus left him as he realized he’d dropped the spell that held him above the ground, his balance almost failing before he backed himself against a wall and out of the way of the rest of the Nein.

He exhaled, watching Beau and Yasha rush forward grinning at each other as more spells flew through the air. He carefully traced haste into the air, clutching the spell before pushing it onto Beau. He let himself grin again, the blood seeming to rush back into the tips of his fingers and ears as a well-placed firebolt from Caleb shattered the last creature.

The rush of battle had faded quickly, and after asking the time from Caleb the group had decided to set up camp. Caleb had brought up his dome, which Essek realized he had come to appreciate far more than anticipated as most of the Nein hunkered down for the night. He had taken first watch, attempting to make up for earlier, and Caleb had joined him, though he hadn’t met Essek’s gaze when he volunteered.

Not that Essek had noticed, of course. He had already been keeping lookout, and wasn’t hoping Caleb would look at him the way he had when they had been working on spellwork together again. In fact, he hadn’t been thinking about Caleb at all, he was simply very focused on keeping watch.

“You know, Essek, you will have to show me if there is anything I missed when I was working that spell out sometime.” His name in Caleb’s accent sent a shiver up Essek’s spine, knocking any thought from his head except the fact that Caleb had acknowledged him and was talking about spells again.

“I’m sorry?” Essek turned to face Caleb, his response barely stammering out of his mouth.

“I only mean that I would like to see if I was wrong about any of it, I worked it out just from the other time I saw it used by you.” Caleb’s eyes gleamed in the dim, his eyebrows lifted inquiringly.

“I- of course, I can show it to you when we are more secure than,” Essek gestured to the dome around them, “this.” He had never been more thankful that humans couldn’t see in the dark and Caleb was using Frumpkin intermittently to see, otherwise the other wizard would have seen the blush that had surely crept into his cheeks.

“Of course.” Caleb paused, and Essek tried not to be too eager for him to continue. “Well, in any case, I am glad to see you adjusting better to battle, my friend.”

Essek blinked, hoping Caleb couldn’t hear his heart beating out of his chest as it caught on his words, and he barely managed to mumble his gratitude before wincing into the dark of the night. If only he was better at adjusting to being with friends. Especially very attractive and smart friends that he was definitely, absolutely not letting his mind drift towards for the remainder of his watch.

[kimnjss]

[ he stands you up ] requested.

@taestannie​: super angsty anniversary weekend where he stands you up.

@houseofarmanto​: forgetting your anniversary.

warnings: there are none?? 

A/N: requests for reactions are now open and without commissions. if you want to send a reaction request in, simply send me an ask!

NAMJOON

It's been six months since you started your relationship with Namjoon and despite his  busy schedule he promised, a million times promised, that he would be able to meet with you for dinner to celebrate the special day. Any other day, any other time, you'd not get your hopes up because you knew how unpredictable his schedule was even if it was premade and solidified. Things came up and you understood that.

But, after seeing the look on his face, hearing the sureness in his voice when he made his promise, you decided that you would trust it and wait up for him. You put on a nice dress, did your hair and makeup prettily and waited for him to come pick you up, a large smile on your face.

As the hours ticked by, your smile seemed to fade and your patience began to wither. An hour, you could understand with him being late. If you remembered correctly, he had a busy day ahead of him so an hour late was expected. But four hours!? Four whole hours and not a single phone call?

To say you were livid would be an understatement. With a huff, you were kicking your heels from your feet, and trudging up the stairs to take all of this gunk off of your face and go to bed. Night completely ruined.

As you were wiping at your eyeliner, your phone lit up beside you. The smiling picture of you and Namjoon doing it's job in annoying you as a message from his truly popped up onto the screen.

[23:19] ♡ joonie ♡ : OHMYGOD!? BABY. im sooo fucking sorry, i forgot. im not even going to act like i didn't, because i really forgot.

[23:21] ♡ joonie ♡ : and don't take this to think ur not important to me, bc ur the most important thing to me... i just got caught up in the studio.

[23:26] ♡ joonie ♡ : im running home now, ready to make it up to u. please don't be mad!!

Setting your phone down, you shook your head, turning your attention back to your reflection in the mirror. You knew he meant his apologies and that he wasn't lying when he said that you were important to him.

If only this had just been the first time he forgot about you.

JIN

A hundred days together was a big deal. To you and Jin. He had woke you up this morning with the biggest of smiles ready to tell you exactly what today was, as if you'd forget. Like most days, Jin had to work, and of course you didn't mind. You were looking forward to when he'd come home.

There was no way he hadn't planned something fun for the two of you to do tonight and you couldn't wait to figure out what it was. Jin liked to keep things interesting when it came to your relationship, always surprising you and willing to spice things up.

Even after one hundred days, you could genuinely say that there has never been a bored moment between the two of you. Whether he was making you laugh with his corny jokes or if you were teaching each other new recipes, there was always something for you to do. Something fun that you could enjoy together.

Throughout the entire day, you couldn't help but think up what something special would he have planned for you two. Ideas changing the later in the day it got. The romantic walk where the two of you watched the sunset being crossed off as the sunset and he was nowhere in sight.

Briefly, you contemplated sending him a text, but didn't want to be annoying or overbearing. Surely, he didn't forget, right? He was just running late. Probably caught up at practice or in the studio or something? Jin was a busy guy, you understood that much, all you had to do was wait and when he came home the two of you would be able to do something fun together.

That was what you kept telling yourself as you watched the time change on the clock, until it's past midnight and the front door is slamming shut. Okay, stargazing was always fun! Especially if you got creative and brought blankets out into the backyard.

Without a word, Jin was entering the room. He offered you a small smile before kicking his shoes off of his feet. You watched as he stripped his jeans from his body, tossing his shirt away in the corner before sinking onto the bed. “I'm beat. Will you turn out the light when you're finished?”

He spoke on a yawn, eyes falling closed as he slowly began to drift to sleep.

YOONGI

[ 09:57 ] to- yoonfi ✩: you won't be busy all day, right?

[ 10:13 ] yoonfi ✩: nope, not all day. y?

[ 10:13 ] to- yoonfi ✩ : come home early! ive a surprise for you!!

To say your boyfriend was a hard worker would be the understatement of the century. Long hours spent in the studio, producing track after track, refusing to eat until he got the hook just right. He was so hard on himself, but with good reason, the boy was a genius when it came to making music.

The same could be said for his first mixtape, AgustD. You could perfectly remember the smile on his face when he let you listen to the completed version, the way it grew when it finally dropped and his fans loved it more than he had thought.

That was four years ago. Exactly. He had changed so much in the past four years, grown in so many ways and you were so proud of him. Which was why you were more than willing to spoil him on the four year anniversary of his mixtape.

Blessed that he didn't have a busy day, even though he told you that he didn't, you made sure to check with the others. Your boyfriend had the tendency to forget when there was something pending on their schedule.

According to them, though, he was free as a bird and you were ready to take advantage of the free time you'd have as soon as he finished his meeting this afternoon.

A little while after he left for work, you went out and bought an array of ingredients to prepare his favorite meal. Paired with his favorite brand of wine, you couldn't wait to see that smile of his once he walked through the door and caught whiff of what you made.

The food wasn't it, though. You also had splurged and bought him those speakers he had been eyeing for the past few weeks. Figured you'd surprise him with the gift after dinner, when he was relaxed in front of the TV just after you offered to give his back the massage it greatly deserved.

Then, of course, he'd be overwhelmed with happiness and here comes the wild monkey sex you'd have on the couch, and on the stairs, and on the bedroom floor, mapping out every inch of the room until you were falling onto the bed. Or something like that.

You had been so caught up in your plan and making sure that the food was just right, that it took you a moment to realize how late it had gotten. Way past the time Yoongi was supposed to be home.

With furrowed brows, you lifted your phone to dial him. His drawl of a 'hello' tickling your eyes after the third ring. “I thought you'd be home early?” You wondered after he moved to a quieter room to hear you better.

“I'm sorry, baby. I should've called. The meeting sucked so me and Joon have to come up with something new. It'll be all night, but I'll see you in the morning. Alright?” What were you to say? He had to work. Mumbling your agreement, you let the line go dead before plopping at the kitchen table.

HOSEOK

You had thought that Hoseok flying in on the same day of your anniversary would be cutting it close. It was a 14 hour flight, there was no way he'd land in time to make the plans that you had stupidly planned and you didn't really want him to. He'd be so exhausted after flying and you were sure that all he'd want to do would be to get some rest.

But it was your three year anniversary and he wanted to celebrate, insisted that he wouldn't be too tired to spend time with you and marveled about how the only thing he wanted after a long flight was to be with you.

So, per his request, you were slipping into the silky dress he had sent over. Allowing his stylist to come and do your hair and makeup, again, per his request.  

Despite the fact that he wanted to keep where he was taking you a secret, you were able to convince him that it would be better if the two of you just met there in hopes to save time. He, reluctantly, agreed which was why you were seated alone in the restaurant he had so graciously rented out for the two of you.

Scanning over the menu over and over again, reading and rereading every word hoping to pass time. He should be here by now, right? Hobi was clear when he thought you that he'd be landing a little bit after eight and he had planned to come straight here from the airport. It was now 10, so what gives?

Lifting your phone, you frown at the message that you had somehow missed while studying the menu.

[ 21:22 ] hoseokie: princess!! our connecting flight was delayed. i won't be able to makee it :( sooo sorry, ill see you when i get back!

Your standing from your seat before you can read the end of the message, annoyed and overall disappointed. If only he had listened to you when you said over and over again that he wouldn't be able to make it.

At least the restaurant was empty, definitely saved you from looking as stupid as you felt in front of a room full of strangers.

JIMIN

Six o'clock. He had repeated it countless times before leaving the house so where was he now that it was six o'clock? He knew how important this day was to you, how important it should be to him. So where was he?

Was it too much to ask to be with your boyfriend on the anniversary of the day you met? He had said he would be here, so why wasn't he sitting next to you on the stupid park bench, enjoying the picnic you had prepared?

You had met Jimin exactly a year ago today. Could still remember the smile that took over his features when he spotted you seated on this very park bench, exasperation tinting your cheeks as you leaned back in attempt to catch your breath.

He had plopped down beside you without a second thought, a lame joke falling from his lips one he used in hopes to cheer you up. It had worked, you had laughed and instantly fell for the large smile that seemed to light up his entire face.

The two of you had been inseparable since that day, falling in love with each other slowly as the days went by until he was asking you to move in with him five months into your relationship. You said yes, of course and these past months settled and together had been... not what you were expecting.

A nice place for the two of you to live meant that Jimin needed to become a bit more serious about his work and no matter how great of a dancer he was, the craft didn't really call for a steady check. Which was why you encouraged, not pushed, him to get a regular 9-5 that would benefit the both of you in the end.

That's what people in serious blooming relationships did. Started making plans for the future, preparing to take care of each other. And in no way, did you expect him to quit dancing – just dial it back a bit so you wouldn't go bankrupt.

Either way, you regretted the decision of both of you needing steady jobs because lately it was like the two of you had become ships in the night. Hardly seeing each other for more than an hour with your opposite hours. But tonight, he promised, assured you that he would make it and be able to make up all the time the two of you had lost.

You were excited, got dressed up, yet he was nowhere to be found. After a full hour of waiting or him, you were effectively annoyed and ready to pack up and leave. Just as you stood, your phone buzzed in your purse.

Setting your belongings back onto the bench with a huff, you're reaching into your purse and pulling out your phone. Jimin's name lighting up on the screen, only worsening your mood. Did he really wait a whole hour to text you that he wasn't going to be able to make it? Of course he'd miss it, it was obvious now after an hour.

[19:07] jiminie!: i know u must be pissed nd im sooo sorry.

[19:08] jiminie!: i came home early nd wanted to take a little nap, but overslept. [19:10] jimine!: come home, i've prepared something nice for us.

No matter how mad you wanted to be, how mad you knew you should be, you really couldn't bring yourself to be. The boy was tired and you loved him, asked this of him so the least you could do was be a little bit understanding.

TAEHYUNG

The scowl doesn't leave your face not once the entire day. While you're cleaning up the house, while you're fixing lunch, while you're binge watching your favorite TV show. Pursed lips, raised brows and clenched teeth. You've been a foul mood all day and you had one person to thank for that.

The same person who rolled over half sleep nearly crushing you to death, but you didn't say anything because you loved him and loved being in his arms no matter the fact that you couldn't breathe underneath his weight. The same person that sprung up this morning, not a word about the meaning of today, just a grumbled: “Could you get breakfast ready?” As he pulled himself from he bed to go shower.

The same person that forgot your fucking anniversary and didn't even bat an eye when you brought up the date in hopes hearing the numbers would some how jot his memory. It didn't. What it did do, though, was remind him of the various things he had scheduled today with his little friends. Barely stopped to kiss you as he rushed out the door.

So your foul mood was his fault and you were planning to give him the cold shoulder until you were satisfied with the groveling he'd pull from being ignored. If there was one thing Taehyung hated was being ignored, you knew that more than anyone. One thing that you hated? When your so called boyfriend forgot the day that marked the start of your relationship.

You figured ignoring him would be fair.

Now, there was no way you didn't understand that Taehyung was a busy guy. He was always in and out of the house and so adamant about putting his all into his work and you admired that about him. You just never thought it would be some type of tug of war when it came to spending time with him. Especially on days as important as this one.

Punching the pause button on the remote, you reached to grab your phone cutting it's vibrating dance short as you read the message that had appeared on the screen.

[ 17:11 ] joon: happy anniversary. sorry we're stealing ur boyfriend :( what did he do this morning, though?

Ah, Namjoon their ever so considerate leader. Not a surprise that he'd be more attentive than your actual boyfriend on this day. How could someone, who was not even inside your relationship, wish you happy anniversary before your own man!?

[ 17:13 ] to joon: he forgot.

Tossing the phone beside you, the scowl on your face deepens as you glare at the characters on the screen. Stupid idiots, kissing and cooing as if their whole love story wasn't about to go to shit within the second act. How unfair. Taehyung would love bad mouthing shitty romcoms, but you had to be mad at him because he was a little shit.

Not even five minutes after the message sent to Namjoon was your phone dinging, Taehyung's specialized name lighting up your screen. Pfft, did he really need his friend to remind him of the day? How pathetic.

[ 17:17 ] boyfriend!!: baby!! oooh my god, im sooo... u know this isn't like me, i don't know what to say. we're in a radio interview now, but im rushing home right when it's over. pls, don't be upset. i mean i know ur upset, but lets at least try to salvage what left of the day we have. please. im soo sorry.

You thought, for a moment that you could be petty in this moment. Type back some snarky reply that you knew would make him feel some type of way. You just... didn't have the energy. Being forgotten about sucked, hurt in an odd way that you couldn't really explain.

Taehyung was a great boyfriend, but it was starting to get a little old the way he had your relationship on the back burner of his life. He was either with you, or not. Something's gotta give.

JUNGKOOK

You knew from the moment the words left Namjoon's lips, your boyfriend wasn't going to find true peace ever again. Let alone be able to rest properly. Producer. Which brought on a new array of responsibilities that Jungkook to very seriously, as he should.

Much like your meticulous boyfriend, everything had to be absolutely perfect and anything short of that wasn't worth presenting. That exact mentality was the reason why he spent so many long hours in the studio, at dance practice. Going over and redoing each note, each step, until he was satisfied or until he was being dragged out.

It was more often the latter because this boy was never satisfied no matter how great everything he did ended up looking, sounding. He still strives to be the best, better than the best. So it was no surprise that you were seeing him much less when his new title was being announced.

Producer Jungkook. It was safe to say that he was stressed. Not to mention that he still had to keep up with choreography, singing, interviews and being the youngest of the biggest boy band in the world.

You understood that, so you didn't blame he when he was too tired to fool around. Didn't make a fuss when dinner plans had to be canceled. Agreed when he asked you to watch him, help him figure out what he was missing. You were always there for him when he needed you.

So it was completely fair that you'd get a little pissed when you asked the same for him and he didn't deliver. It wasn't like you were requesting something bizarre or out of the ordinary, honestly, you just wanted him to be home early to spend a few hours together for your anniversary.

Three months wasn't long, not that much of a milestone, but it was still exciting and you wanted to be with him. Especially since he's been like a ghost these past few weeks. Was it too much to ask that he was home for just one night? Just one night where he was Jeon Jungkook of BTS, but just your regular boyfriend.

His apology came two hours after he was supposed to show up. A short message explaining that he wouldn't be able to make it. Like you couldn't of guessed that. Still, you waited, his favorite show cued up and ready. The incoming message had you flicking the TV off with a huff, trudging up the stairs with a prominent pout of your lips.

The pout didn't lift from your lips the rest of the night and pretty soon you were slipping underneath the sheets, lip jutted. He missed dinner fine, five o'clock was a little early to ask someone to leave work. But was he really not even going to make the effort to get in before you had fallen asleep?

Guess not.

It wasn't until after one did you feel the bed shift, a tentative arm wrapping around your waist as a heavy breath left his lips. But you were in no mood to be cuddled, especially not by him. Fully awake and alert now, you were shoving his hand from your body, scooting away from him.

“Come on, baby. Please. Today's been so shitty, I just want to hold you.” You could hear the sadness in his voice. But what about you? Did he even consider that your day might have  been shitty too?

Forcing your eyes shut, you acted as if you had fallen back asleep. Back turned to him, because you could guess the sad look he had on his face. You couldn't bring yourself to turn around and give in, allowing yourself to be engulfed in him. Not tonight.

[missamcricana13-blog]

15 things ive learned in 15 years

i turned 15 two months ago and to be honest it’s been a journey but it’s been fun. even though i feel 7, age is good and time is good and growth is good. life is good. ♡

ONE:

not everyone you loose is a loss!

—ive lost people in my life i genuinely had no idea i could even survive without but every loss ive ever had has brought me so much closer to myself, and i am so happy i lost certain people—which is something i never thought id say

TWO:

own yourself, and don’t try to be someone else

—i believe everyone is their own person, being a twin we get forced together all the time but i believe everyone gets their own chance, their own opportunity, their own voice and to try to pretend to copy someone else’s voice, is not what you’re made to do.

THREE:

never be ashamed of what you love

—people always made me feel dumb for loving taylor, saying ‘she’ll never see it’ or ‘why are you so obsessed with her’ but taylor has given me so much joy and love in my life, and i am in no way ashamed to love her or be apart of this. it’s made me so happy to be apart of album releases, tours and the feeling of her being in stage is something ill never be able to feel outside of this fandom.

FOUR:

never turn down a hug or let go first

—i have given so many hugs that people tell me they needed, and i believe a hug heals most pain. and i remember when taylor said she doesn’t let go first, and i realize i have no idea how much that person needs a hug or when the next time ill hug them is.

FIVE:

check on people you love!

—i nearly lost someone so important to me recently, she had been in one of the toughest spots and i checked on her and she just let everything out, since then i check on her regularly and it’s made me realize i should always check on people i love, no matter how happy or sad they seem on the outside—i could not tell you how hard my life would be without her if i had not took five minutes out of my day to ask how she’s been.

SIX:

music can heal anything!

—breathe, afterglow, daylight, have all taught me so much, breathe saved my life. i was so sad, so shattered and i threw on old taylor swift in shuffle because i had been so upset and breathe came on, and everything changed for me, something clicked and i changed and felt so much happier. ive listened to that song more than ive listened to my mom in my whole life. (so thank you taylor for writing a masterpiece that saved me)

SEVEN:

my love for taylor doubles everyday

—taylor has helped be through so many hard years of school and so many tough times and so much anxiety, i have a greater appreciation for her everyday of the year, my heart is so full.

EIGHT:

do NOT apologize for how you feel

—if you’re having a bad day, that’s okay, if you’re having the best day ever, great, but you should never have to explain to someone why if it is simply life, life is so complicated sometimes but some days we feel horrible and some days we feel amazing. no matter what you are aloud to feel any way you need to live the way you want!

NINE:

moving is scary!

—today august 29th i move out of my childhood home, i move literally a kilometre up the street but had to pack everything in boxes and i had to go through the past fifteen years and sort everything. it’s scary, it’s a new chapter and im ready but im worried, im so happy to be moving but im scared to leave home, but it’s time.

TEN:

i love concerts!

—ive seen taylor twice, shawn mendes once and selena once, (fingers crossed ill make that four taylor and one sasha sloan but with moving money’s tight so fingers crossed) but the energy i feel at concerts, the happiness is something i don’t get anywhere else and toronto has been the place where all of my concerts have taken place, im so grateful to get to attend shows and im so grateful for all the joy they bring me. (shoutout 2015 hanna thanks for convincing your parents to go to the 1989wt)

ELEVEN:

ive loved taylor swift for eight years now!

—in 2011 at the age of 7 i was on my way to my friends grandmas house, the first time i had ever been away from my sister, and my friend was in control of the aux and she played never grow up, that night i went home and listened to every released taylor swift song and listened to our song so much i wrote every lyric down from memory, this happened in the span of one day! that’s what started everything but when i was about 5-6 i was at my brothers hockey tournament and we stayed at a super cool hotel with a play room and i took my dad’s phone to play teardrops on my guitar on repeat for hours as i mad myself a ‘house’ to stay in, and he got mad i definitely had to change the song.

TWELVE:

pain is okay! but always temporary

—in april the day after me! was released i got out of a toxic relationship, i was so heartbroken and had little support from anyone, it was so painful and i came home from school everyday and cried for hours. i was in so much pain but i realized i had to step into the daylight and let it go, and now i can 100% tell you im so so so much happier.

THIRTEEN:

teenage girls are the worst!

—being in grade 10 girls are awful, seeing the way we treat others and seeing the way we act together is insane. i see girls pick on other girls weight, height, face, skin, everything and i just wonder why can’t we all love each other. if you can love one you can love all, and if you can’t love all you can not love. i think so many of us need to realize everyone has insecurities and everyone needs to be loved so DO NOT PICK ON someone for anything.

FOURTEEN:

school is stressful but grades are not everything!

—ive learned to try, study and work so so hard but if it becomes to much take a break, if you don’t understand something, ask for help! help is there and you’re not less of someone for asking! it’s there for a reason.

FIFTEEN:

if you’re lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change.

—i grew up with a lot of personal issues and physical issues, but ive realized that theyre apart of me and it’s okay. we all have flaws, it’s what makes everyone so perfect. and taylor has taught me to love myself. and to not be ashamed of myself and i love her so much for that.

taylor, if you see this, please please know i love you and thank you for the past ten ish years, i wouldn’t trade you for the world. i hope to hug you one day.

instagram: missamcricana

xoxoxo thank you, hanna.

@taylorswift @taylornation

[supergirlfics]

A/N: This was so frustrating because I’d work on it and and then it would just disappear! Multiple times! I guess this is what happens when you write directly onto tumblr and don’t use a backup of any kind . . . oh well, onward and upward. Hope you like the story!

Eliza was outside waiting for Kara and Alex the moment they arrived. As soon as they stepped out of the car, she spread her arms wide, giving them each a hug. “Girls! I’ve missed you so much!”

“We’ve missed you, too,” Alex said.

“Where’s Y/N?” Kara asked, peering past Eliza. You were usually the first to greet them.

“She was supposed to come out and help you with your bags, but I suppose she couldn’t peel herself away from her book.”

“New novel?” Kara asked.

“Textbook.”

Alex and Kara exchanged a look before Kara finally said, “That’s okay. I’ll take the bags. We can catch up with Y/N inside.”

By the time Alex and Eliza had reached the front door, Kara had already grabbed both bags, taken them upstairs to the bedroom, and made back down to the living room. Super Speed. Or, as Alex liked to call it, Super Show-Off.

You sat on the couch. Four open textbooks, and what seemed to be a million sheets of paper lay on the coffee table in front of you. Your nose was buried in a page, your hands covered in pen ink, and notes scribbled in every empty space.

“Hey. What’s up?” Kara asked.

You jumped, not having noticed your sister until right then. You spun around to snap at whoever was hovering over you, but you realized who it was just in time. “Kara!” You leaped off the couch, tackling your big sister in a hug. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice you.”

“That’s obvious,” Alex said as she strode through the room to join you two. “Hey kid.”

“Alex!” You tackled her even more excitedly than you had Kara, jumping into her arms and wrapping your legs around her waist. You clung to her so tightly, it was like you were a kid on the monkey bars.

When Alex had finally managed to pull you off, she held you at arms length to study you. “You have grown so much.”

“I’m the same height,” You said. “It’s been three months.”

“I mean you look more mature.”

Kara couldn’t hold in her laugh. After all, she had just watched you and Alex fight over whether or not she was going to hold you.

As Alex continued to look you over, her smile faltered. Even your ear to ear grin couldn’t hide the dark circles under your eyes. They were huge. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. Why?” You asked.

“You look exhausted.”

“I’ve been studying,” You shrugged.

“As you should be,” Eliza cut in. “I can’t have anything but the best grades from my med student.” Again, Kara and Alex exchanged a look. “I’ll let you three catch up while I make dinner.”

After an argument with your sisters, you finally agreed to set aside your studies. But only after Alex gave you her “you-had-better-listen-or-you’ll-regret-it” look. Your sisters helped you put everything away, but you micromanaged everything. You had to make sure all your notes were in their rightful place.

“How do you know where anything goes?” Kara asked. “This is a mess.”

“It’s an organized mess. And if it’s not put away just right, I’ll lose everything and have to start over completely.”

“You’re insane,” Alex said.

“I’m a med student,” You said. “It comes with the territory.”

-----------------------------------------------------

You wanted to study some more after dinner, but your sisters forced you to watch a movie with them instead. And when you tried to sneak some notes into sister night, another look from Alex told you there was no way you would be able to study that night.

When you returned to the couch, you squeezed in between your sisters. Alex immediately put your arm around you while Kara grabbed your hand. You felt warmer and more at peace than you had in months, though the thought of your schooling still weighed heavily at the back of your mind.

A few minutes in, you lay your head on Alex’s shoulder, and a few minutes after that, you were asleep.

Kara grabbed a blanket from the arm of the couch and threw it over you, carefully tucking the end behind your shoulder. “This school must really be getting to her. She never falls asleep during a movie.”

“It’s not even ten,” Alex said. “Y/N is pushing herself way too hard. She needs to slow down.”

----------------------------------------------------------

You woke up around one. Your sisters were asleep beside you. They had even wrapped a blanket around you, which was totally in character, but still extremely sweet.

Since they were both out, you took the opportunity to grab your textbooks once again.

You were still studying when they awoke.

“Y/N,” Kara said. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven,” You said absentmindedly.

“How long have you been studying?” Alex asked.

“Since one.”

Alex ripped the book from your hands. She didn’t think it was possible, but the bags under your eyes had grown even bigger. “You’re done.”

“Hey! I need that!” 

“You don’t,” Kara said firmly. “You are done studying for the rest of the day.”

“It’s only seven.”

“And you’ve been at this for six hours,” Kara said. “You’ve had enough.”

That’s how it went over the next few days. Every time you would try to study, your sisters intervened. Kara tried to force you to take a nap, but once she left the room, you pulled out your notes. Needless to say, she was not pleased when she came to check on you.

“Give me the notes. This is not okay.”

It didn’t take long before your sisters refused to leave your side. If somebody had to do something, they made sure the other was free. They even agreed to keep watch overnight.

On the first night after they agreed to stay up and make sure you slept, you could not get to sleep, no matter what they tried. “I just need to study.” You insisted. “I’m going to fall behind.”

“Why are you so intent on this?” Alex asked as she sat on your bedside. Kara moved to your bed as well, crossing her legs after plopping down in the middle.

“It’s just, you two have done so much. You help people. You save lives. I’m not as cool as that. I don’t have superpowers or special combat training. I’m just awkward old me.”

“Hey,” Alex said. “You don’t need any of that. You are perfect just how you are.”

“I don’t want to fail you guys. Or mom.”

“You could never fail us,” Kara said. “Or mom.”

“I already have. She always compares me to you two. I just want to be able to do something important. And she’s right to push me to study - it just doesn’t come naturally. I have to spend extra time on it.”

“Are you kidding?” Kara said. “You could literally not pay any attention at school and still get straight A’s. You’re a freaking genius.”

“If you keep doing this, you will run yourself ragged, and then when it counts, you’ll be too tired. You won’t be able to function. We have to help you out of your chair half the time. You’re always exhausted. You’re always falling asleep. I’ve even heard you recite diseases in your sleep. Take a break. You’re being obsessive. It isn’t healthy, Y/N.”

“But I have to be the best.”

“You are the best,” Kara said. “Don’t kill yourself trying to be better than the best.”

“I guess you’re right.”

--------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Alex made it downstairs while you and Kara were still asleep. You were so tired, Alex didn’t think you’d be out of bed all day. They finally seemed to have gotten through to you.

“Good morning, Alex,” Eliza said. “Where’s your sister? She’s usually up studying when I come down.”

“We need to talk, Mom,” Alex said. 

Eliza set her coffee down to look at Alex. “What’s going on?”

“Y/N is so tired. She is running herself dry with med school and it’s only her second year. I was partying my second year of med school.”

“And you never finished,” Eliza said. “Y/N needs to be more accomplished than that.”

“More accomplished?” Alex started before taking a deep breath. This was about you, not her. “The point is, she is trying so hard to please you, it’s killing her.”

“She’s fine.”

“You’re not listening to me, Mom. “She’s on break and all she does is study. She finished all her homework for the next month before Kara and I got here and she is still obsessed.”

“Y/N is doing what she should to get through school,” Eliza said. 

“She’s terrified of failing us! She feels like you compare her to Kara and I constantly, and that’s not fair to her. She’s still a kid. Let her be one. Stop pushing her so hard.”

“Of course I have high expectations. She should want to be like the two of you. You and Kara have accomplished so much. Why is it such a terrible thing if I want that for Y/N as well?”

“Because she’s not us, Mom. She’s not an alien. She doesn’t have superpowers. She is the victim of your - you’re craziness! And the longer she’s here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“What are you saying?”

“Y/N is going to spend the rest of break in National City with me. Where she won’t be judged.”

“Alex Danvers, you cannot -”

“I can,” Alex cut in. “And I am.”

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on GFriend’s “Fever”

literally no one asked but WHEN DO I EVER HAVE NOTHING TO SAY-

like red velvet im not a HUGE buddy but im invested enough so as i said no one requested but im still here!!! plus i heard the teaser and i was excited lmao this all my personal thoughts and want them out

no read mores i know thats annoying but like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ look at my other posts theyre all long its my brand

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG aiight so i had to watch their other music videos to see some consistency and from what i could point out is it starts relatively slow in the beginning and then HITS YOU with a build up a beat drop and dancing which I LIKED it gets the curiosity going yknow!!!!!!! i REALLY liked the pre-chorus part LIKE YUJUS PART?????? AND IT BUILDS UP?????? bich...........

the chorus got me swaying from side to side and thank the lord the music doesnt hit you in the face and dig deep into your eardrums and it just feels positive???? like the energy???? it was soothing to me and it has that summer and tropical feeling BUT its more of the relaxing side of summer

so this middle part was interesting to me for some reason let me explain if it were ANY OTHER GROUP you know they wouldve forced a whole ass rap right there dont liE TO ME- so i type this out bc it was a lowkey break from sinb herself and looking like a snacc™ (but ill get to that later) and i didnt mind it! (it was literally five seconds but i liked it let me live)

LETS TALK ABOUT THIS BRIDGE FOR A SECOND im noticing that im magnetically DRAWN to the bridge part and i like that part the most out the whole song like they really did That™ also eunhas HIGH NOTE L I S T E N people usually expect yuju to hit a high note in their songs but eunha really killed that and i appreciate it!!!!!! ive always liked all of their voices they just have tones that sound sweet yknow what i mean??? like if a bakery came to life and became six people-

THE DANCE we love a good center sinb so when the dance started right at the beginning and she was there that broke my neck then they had to give me center sinb AGAIN and that broke my spine AND THEN they gave me center yerin and that broke my knees- what im saying is this killed me-

its pretty obvious that this songs choreo doesnt go AWF™ as much as their other songs do which i think was done like that bc its a relaxing summery song so the dancing shouldnt go hard and be super complicated like let me tell you the dance they do during THE CHORUS BICTH the entire thing got me trying to kick my leg and spin around with my arm up just like they were the split second they dropped it low i almost dropped dead and i liked that part at the end with umji when they were in a line while she was singing??? it was satisfying to watch

THE VISUALS i know i keep saying its summery and all but theyre in the desert??? theyre legitimately in the desert both wandering in it and under a car parking lot thing with two (2) cars (not sponsored what you mean) and a gas station I MEAN there was outside that building and inside the building and that place where theyre sitting on that wall which like this is very Aesthetically Pleasing™ to my eyes

anyway some sets and stuff i DID LIKE:

that scene with sinb umji and yerin on that couch surrounded by all those plants and looking stunning in the light and through those plants yes-

sowon and yerin lying on the floor in front of a sunset backdrop in the middle of the room and you can see through the windows outside i found that pretty interesting to look that

that one set theyre dancing on in the middle of the street or whatever in front of that building the colors were hella nice to me

when all of them were sitting on that wall with those trees behind them and those bright lights

and yknow what i actually liked the camerawork i dunno why it made the mv nice to watch

then that ending part where they were all standing with all those plants that was like SUPER COOL to look at (dont ask why i dunno how to explain it pls)

T H E M

id like to make it clear that they werE ALL SERVING FACE (giving the Smize™ if you will) and looking SO BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING I DUNNO IF WORDS COULD EVEN PERFECTLY CAPTURE HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE imma try tho

i would like to start with mentioning that i loved the makeup and hair here like i have no complaints or anything like that for any of them they all look freaking amazing and i cant believe theyre existing like this-

so we dont see sowon all that much which is a shame because that red dress and that black outfit and That White Crop Top™ outfit with the kinda baggy pants and THAT BLUE DRESS was popping like she was looking really Good™

so yerin was pretty much the Face™ of this video which is all fine and dandy yknow shes real pretty like i knew the moment i saw those teaser pictures of her i was gonna get wrecked by her (like thats it she nearly made me swerve) lets talk about that outfit with the baggy jeans bc OOF-

eunha had long hair in one of her teasers which i was nervous about (still big mad about seulgi in zimzalabim) HOWEVER it didnt happen like that THANK GOD i thought it was weird that she was wearing beige when everyone was wearing black??? and that black outfit with the gloves........ it was a choice that was made NONETHELESS SHES B E A U T I F U L

yuju.................................... LISTEN- this is my bias okay she really waltzed through this video like the Snacc™ (more like five star dinner but okay) she is and feeding me well with her visuals like every time she stared into the camera my brain did dial up like that first outfit she wore when she started singing i knew i wasnt gonna survive and the purple dress AND that one blue fit she was wearing when she was literally just STANDING like i cant take it seriously im at my limit i-

SO ANOTHER MEMBER THAT JUST ALWAYS WRECKS ME IS SINB AND SHE IS RUDE™ like this hair color those braids when she was wearing THAT™ black outfit that oversized white button up whatever that was anD THAT GREEN ONE!!!!!!!

lets get one thing straight umji is always hella stunning okay like A L W A Y S like the white pants with the black crop top and like that black fit GIVE👏ME👏MORE👏PONYTAIL👏UMJI👏and that blue one and that PINK ONE WAS EVERYTHING AND THAT ONE WITH THE PURPLE FLOWERS AND THE LEAVES BICTH-

its a FUN SONG like ive been listening to it on a loop so i could make this review and im STILL not sick of it or anything ive been in a bouncy mood bc of it!!!! its clearly a different style when you compare it to their past title tracks but i personally welcome it!!! tho ill keep it real with you chief i could see some elements in the songs that might cause someone to get a little bored after a bit or maybe already bored but i am NOT that someone

i finish this with a scene i cant get over:

IN CONCLUSION: ISSA BOP™ AND IM GONNA KEEP WATCHING THIS VIDEO BC IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD AND HAPPY NOT BC OF YUJU LOOKING LIKE A WHOLE MEAL I SWEAR

[coffeecrusadeclub]

Too late? -a tyrus fic pt 1/2

*this is super loosely inspired by that scene from Love, Simon* *note its like time jumped so there no underage stuff going on* *TW tho theres a lot of drinking*

TJs POV

It took about 2 hours of debate but I decided to go to Cyrus's party. I've also decided that I was finally going to tell him how Ive felt, Ive waited just about 5 years to tell him and I think its time. I picked out my nicest tshirt and matched it with black jeans and made my way over.

I got there and was greeted at the door by a bubbly and excited Cyrus

"Hey TJ glad u could make it. Come on"

He ushered me in and I smiled at him, i contemplated telling him in that moment but decided I needed to work up the nerve since there was way more people here than i expectdd. I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed myself a beer from the cooler.

About 2 hours and 6 beers later i finally decided to tell Cyrus. I looked around and couldn't find him so I decided to ask buffy

"Hey have you seen Cyrus?"

"Uh yeah I think he went upstairs Why?"

"I need to talk to him"

"Finally telling him about your crush?"

"I-i dont know what youre talking about"

"Its okay TJ its cute, go talk to ya mans"

I shoved her playfully laughing. And turned to go upstairs I made my way to Cyrus's room rather quickly i wasn't looking up and opened the door slowly stepping in

"Hey Cyrus I really need to talk to-"

I looked up and see Cyrus sitting in the lap of some guy without a shirt making out, I felt my heart sink

"I-Im so sorry I d-didnt know"

I ran out the room not stopping even though i heard Cyrus call out for me I ran past Buffy who stopped me by grabbing hold of my arm

"What happened?"

"He was up there with some half naked guy"

"He what!? Why would he do that hes like in love with you

"Obviously not." I turned back to see a messy haired Cyrus running toward me

"I got to go" i grumbled to Buffy before quickly making an exit. As unathletic as he says he is, Cyrus can run fast when he wants he caught me outside as I was getting off the porch

"TJ please wait its not what you think"

"It looked pretty clear"

"Its not like that I swear"

"What am I supposed to think, if I didnt walk in you werent going to get in bed with that guy" I felt jealousy run through me my tone a lot more harsh than I meant.

"TJ whats this about why are you so mad?"

"It doesnt matter anymore its too late I know the truth"

"TJ please I swear-"

"Whatever Cyrus I have to go"

"TJ-"

I ignored his call and kept walking home. When I went home I realized nobody was home and just screamed into the darkness of the house I punched the wall

"IM SO STUPID" I yelled into the darkness as I slid down the wall crying. I pulled my phone out and stared at pictures of me and Cyrus. My phone was blowing up. Cyrus wanted to explain himself, Buffy wanted to know if Im okay, and Amber wanted to know where I was. I texted back Amber to let her know I walked home, and told Buffy I was fine but ignored Cyrus. I drank a few more beers that I had in the fridge before I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I was woke up by Amber who sat at the edge of my bed with water and an asprin.

"I dont know how much you drank last night but I thought youd want this" she handed it to me and I groaned in response to sitting up and smiled at her thankfully as i took the aspirin.

"TJ what happened last night"

My heart sunk as I remembered the sequence of events last night. I looked down at my hand which was bruised and cut up from hitting the wall. I never cleaned it so there was still some dried blood on my knuckles.

"Is this what happened to the wall?"

I looked down at the glass of water I held in my lap a tear rolling down my eyes

"TJ come on talk to me what happened?"

"I was too late I missed my chance"

"What do you mean"

"I finally decided to tell Cyrus the truth. Buffy told me he was up in his room so I went to find him.."

"Oh no what was he doing?"

"He was sitting in the lap of some half naked guy who was probably more attractive that me"

"Did you see who it was?"

"No Cyrus's head was blocking the guys face."

"TJ im so sorry. Did Cyrus say anything?"

"He followed me outside and tried to say it wasn't what it looked like. I snapped at him I just- I couldnt even look at him. Hes been texting me all night I think i have a load of missed calls and texts from him"

"Whatd he say?"

"He wants to talk about what happened"

"TJ you should really talk to him tell him the truth"

"Theres no point I was too late if he was ever into me, hes not now"

"You dont know that. Come on tell me you havent hooked up with at least one guy because you were drunk off your high horse"

I looked down at my hands to avoid her gaze.

"Thats what I thought. Text him back"

She walked out of my room and closed the door softly. I looked down at my phone and read Cyrus's texts.

TJ im so sorry you saw that

TJ I swear its not what you think

TJ! Answer my texts what are you doing stop ignoring me!

I stared at my phone and contemplated just erasing his number entirely. But I couldnt bring myself to hit erase. I stared at the picture Id chosen as his icon and smiled. I felt tears rolling down my cheek. And texted him back

It sure looked like what I thought Cyrus. Whats there to talk about

He replied almost immediately, as if he was staring at his phone waiting for me to respond

Tj please I swear its not like that. I didn't even know that guys last name

Oh because that makes it so much better. I think Im better off just not texting you. See you around

TJ stop please text me back

TJ call me

Dammit TJ if you dont respond Im going to just show up at your house

I read his last text and sighed

Theres nothing to talk about

Fine then Whatever I'll see you in about half an hour then

Don't come over Cyrus I dont want to see you.

He didn't respond and I wondered if he was really coming over. I made my way downstairs to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I didnt pay any attention to Amber who was sitting at the counter, who I knew was staring at me. I reached toward the back of the fridge and grabbed a beer. Before i could even pick it up I heard Amber's voice behind me

"You dont need that"

"Mind your own damn buisness"

"TJ idk how much you drank at the party but you drank an entire six pack here."

I sighed did I really drink that much last night? I looked at Amber, who mustve sensed my disbelief,as she motioned towards the counter. 6 empty beer bottles sat there

"Those were all you TJ. Youre worrying me, youve never drink this much. You never day drink either"

I didnt respond and put the beer on the counter. I walked over to the empty bottles and grabbed them shoving them into the recycling box before grabbing my full one and walking away.

"TJ.."

"Im fine Amber" I snapped at her and instantly felt kind of bad, I sighed.

"Its just one beer"

"Yeah right now but how do I know its not going to turn to 3 then 5 and so on."

"I just need to not remember Amber I need to forget" I replied harshly

"Thats not the right way" Amber sounded like she was going to cry and I sighed, opening the beer anyway. Defeated, Amber sighed and went upstairs to her room. I opened the fridge and grabbed a full six pack and took it up to my room. About 25 minutes later I heard Amber open the door. I assumed she was going out. I heard it click shut and heard her talking to someone. I sighed and looked around I already finished off the one beer and then three more from the six pack. The empty bottles sprawled across my bed, I was half way through my 5th beer two more in the six pack. I wiped tears away from my face, I didnt realize I was crying. I heard a knock on my door and sighed

"Im not in the mood Amber"

My door creaked open and I looked up to see Cyrus poking his head in the room. He looked at my surroundings and sighed. I guess Amber told him her worries. He stepped inside and shut the door behind him.

"You showed up" I said taking a drink

"TJ youre drinking too much you need to slow down"

Cyrus motioned towards the beer bottles on my bed and I scoffed.

"Look I dont know what Amber told you but shes delusional"

"Show me your hand"

"Why"

"Just show me"

I put my hand out, I still havent cleaned it so it looked a lot worse than it felt. Cyrus sighed and walked into the bathroom, he came out with a washcloth and some bandages.

"Youre going to get an infection if you leave it like this"

I watched as he cleaned and bandaged my hand "I dont know why you care so much dont you have Mr. No-Name to catch up with?"

"TJ why are you acting like this? I told you Im not into him. Either way you have no right to be all jealous"

"Im not jealous"

[tryingthisfangirlthing]

Love, I’ve Missed You In A Million Different Ways (How Is It We Keep On Writing Tragedies Together?) 3/14-ish

So this is part 3 of my @bering-and-wells-exchange gift for @dapperdorian. This section kept kicking my behind, and I wasn’t happy with it, and I wasn’t happy with it but I had a plan to follow. Then last Friday this idea bowled me over out of left field, and exploded, and, well. It’s not soft longing, more like love-hate if-things-were-different repressed wanting.

And warning for implied major character death.

3. She Would Have Given Everything

“I never want to meet you like this again,” Myka bit out, as she grabbed Helena's hand and jumped them both to the posh downtown lobby.

“Well, don't.” Helena lifted one shoulder. “But I'm not going to aside while this plague wrecks —”

“If you want to help, go back to your lab. You are not Batman! Or — Batwoman, or whoever. One of these days you're going to get yourself killed!” And her concern was very real. “And we need you.”

“That fictional, pouty, playboy Gary Stu? I should hope not!” Helena arched her eyebrows at Myka, and shook her head in disbelief. “Quite frankly, I’m offended that comparison even occurred to you.”

“Helena, you’re not super,” Myka hissed at her. “And you have —”

A loud crash rang out above them. Amanda lost the queen, Steve relayed.

On it. “Get out of here, and stay out,” Myka grit out, and jumped back to the 10th floor to search.

Higher than 10. Lower than 15. Closer to 15 than 10, judging by the volume of the ruckus. Coming higher, the screech of metal giving way under demonic claws. Elevator shaft. To confirm, she jumped several floors below, inside the shaft.

The breathless cold split second of everywhere and nowhere. Steeling herself against the rushing freefall, the crack of instinctual panic. Up, look up.

A forked tail, lashing out, snagged her hair. That was too close. Closing her eyes, she jumped again, without those strands.

Solid ground beneath her feet, no large, otherworldly presence. Definitely in the elevator, and climbing, Steve. Then she fell onto all fours, shaky and ungainly.

“Don't you dare talk to me about risking my life, when they need you just as much.” A fierce murmur in her ear, and a vial was pressed against her hand. “Drink.”

Myka opened her eyes just in time to see the swarm zipping up the avenue, Helena flinging a grenade through the doors into the middle of it. Flame burst through the cloud of insects, licking at wings and silencing snapping mandibles. The drones are here. First wave is dealt with, but I'm sure more are coming.

Copy. She could hear the frown in Steve's thoughts. We need to get these civilians out of here.

Shit. Why here? It wasn't a food source for them (like the nuclear power plant just outside of town) or on the dessert menu (the slaughterhouse just across the county line) or even a good nesting spot (no large, open yet enclosed spaces).

Better here than almost anywhere else.

Office complex on a Saturday afternoon… You have a point.

Helena gave you something. Take it.

You connected her, too? A miserable foreboding rose in Myka's throat. But that was Pete's forte, not hers.

Safer for everyone, was all Steve offered in return.

Myka uncorked the vial and drank. It didn't happen all at once, but her heartbeat slowed, a new energy crackling through her veins.

“What was that stuff?” She called across the lobby, as she straightened, rising, testing her knees.

“Just something I cooked up.” Helena didn't spare her a glance, alternating between eyeing the street outside and a flashing gadget on the marble floor by her feet.

“Yeah, I got that much.” She rolled her shoulders, checking for any aches.

“Well, I don't have the time to explain the various biochemical process involved,” Helena snapped.

“I was pre-med, you know. Before —” She couldn't find the words for — this madness. “Before.”

“I didn't know,” Helena said, softly, and Myka glanced at her to find that this was the thing that got her attention. A kind of sorrow flickered in her dark eyes, and Myka almost wondered if she was thinking, for the first time, about how her screw-up had affected everyone else.

“I was going to switch over to pre-law, though.” She brushed it off. Something wasn't quite right, that last jump... “Just didn't know how to tell my dad. You kind of saved me the trouble.” Because the last thing she needed was pity from Helena fucking Wells.

Helena nodded, slowly, her gaze wandering back to the now-beeping device at her feet. “I was a writer, before.”

“I know. Writer, inventor, physicist, all-around polymath.” Something in Myka's back clicked into place, and all her atoms lined up again — sans that shorn-off hair, she reminded herself, running the flat of her hand over the ragged curls. If she tried to reassemble more matter than was there…

You good to go?

“You did?” There shouldn't be that much surprise in Helena's voice, for someone once heralded as “the next Jules Verne or Anne McCaffrey.”

Yep. Where?

They were all huddled in a storage closet on the 7th floor, eight weekend workaholics, one with a kid. Steve was shielding them all from the creature’s senses for now, but the effort it was taking him slipped over their connection as well.

She jumped.

Her eidetic memory served her unspeakably well, in that she could look at a roomful of people and know exactly how to reassemble them. “Hold hands, please,” as she reached for Steve to one side of her and the nearest civilian on the other. “No disabilities or chronic conditions?”

“Asthma,” one person in the back piped up.

“All right, noted. Shouldn't be a problem.” Where to?

Mall on King and McAllister. It was a good three blocks away, but definitely out of any potential lines of fire. Myka drew on all of her focus, making sure she could feel every one of them, and jumped.

A tug, a weight on her core, as she pulled them all through spacetime. Head throbbing as she stumbled onto the sidewalk, relief flooding her as they all came through all right.

Steve tightened his grip, wrapping his other arm around her to keep her from falling.

“You all right?” It was almost startling to her his voice in her ear, after so often hearing it only in her head.

“I will be,” she muttered.

“Get back to Helena. She'll look after you while you rest up.”

“Where the hell are Amanda and Pete?” Why couldn't one of them babysit me?

Amanda and Pete are doing their damn best to contain that queen.

Fine.

So she sucked in a breath and, for the third time in what felt like as many minutes, she jumped back to that damn lobby.

— Nearly jumped straight into Helena, careened as she shifted her destination at the last moment, Helena's startled “oh!” loud in her ear. Helena's arms wrapped around her, as she came to rest back in reality again.

“We've really got to stop meeting like this.” Low, teasing, warm breath feathering over her ear.

Myka let herself sag forward. “Screw you,” she muttered.

“You're quite welcome to, some other time.”

I just learned way more about you two than I ever wanted to know.

Butt out, Steve! And she could practically feel the same sentiment emanating from Helena, though she couldn't hear her directly.

Kinda hard right now, sorry.

Helena guided her over to a red leather armchair, Myka dragging her feet one after another. At least she shouldn't be crucial to operations now, unless they needed a scout, or bait, or a distraction, or a split-second save. Again.

Myka bent over, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, hair falling in her face. Tried not to feel awkward about how sweaty and gross she was making this nice chair.

She heard Helena make some kind of round of the space, muttering to herself, occasionally British-cursing at some gadget or another. Myka focused on breathing and getting her presence of mind back together. “Do you have another of those pick-me-ups?”

“I wouldn't recommend downing two in a row. Just as a precaution.”

“Okay.” She lifted her head, to watch as Helena watched the exterior. A laptop balanced on the narrow reception desk, floor plan of the building on display, surrounded by sporadically flashing indicators of, something, and now Helena paid this more attention than the view through the glass doors. A flash-bang off too their left, building lights flicking off and on again.

“Don’t tell me it wrecked the wiring somewhere.” God, she was getting fucking tired. Both right now, and of everything.

“That was me. Experimental chain-lightning —” she caught Myka's look — “Basically a super-sized swarm taser. Or, attempt at one.” And she frowned at the screen.

“Great. You can knock them out. Now just jump this entire freakshow back off of our plane of existence already.”

“Yes, thank you, I’ve been working on that for the past six months already.” Annoyance crackled through her voice.

“Stopping every time there's even the faintest hint of an attack to go play Batman with us. Or really more Lois Lane.” Myka knew only the vaguest of comic book premises from Pete. “Or whoever the mad scientist is. Harley Quinn, maybe?”

“That is low.” Helena's voice shuddered.

“I Encountered Aliens From Another Dimension,” Claims Sci-Fi Author; The Secret Crackpot Side of Physics’ Once-Rising Star; Local Mother Institutionalized, Daughter Left In Uncle's Care; the headlines flashed across her memory, and she hung her head again. “You're right. I'm sorry.”

Helena hummed vaguely. It wasn't quite acceptance, but Myka would take it.

“Hopper, 10 o'clock.” Myka winced inwardly as its spines shattered window after window on its zigzag path through downtown, thirty feet above ground.

“Yes, I'm aware. How about you do your job and let me do mine?”

“Sorry,” Myka muttered. “Just trying to be helpful.”

“Well, you're not.”

“Besides, I wouldn't exactly call this your job.”

Can you cool it with the negative energies? Really making things difficult right now.

Myka braced herself against the loud crash upstairs, the way the entire building shivered with the massive impact. Then a loud kreee! and the creature fell to the ground outside, writhing on its back, screaming as it melted from its eight feet down.

“What — did you coat the building in something? Or has someone nearby recently discovered the power of carapace-melting acid shields?”

A wicker café chair across the side street burst into flames, and Helena swore.

“Is that going to melt through the cement?” It would be kind of impressive, if this stuff did manage that trick. It almost looked like it might, as the hopper's screams died down to a low gurgle.

“It shouldn't. It should only react with their exoskeletons but —”

“It is.” The last of the creature utterly dissolved, the acidic puddle was now carving itself its own little pondspace, sinking into the middle of the intersection.

A loud sigh. “That's what field tests are for.”

“Really? In the middle of the city?” Myka stood, outrage eating away at her. “You are utterly insane.”

Helena glared at her, and for a split second, Myka was glad those piercing eyes weren't super. “Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to try to lure one out into the middle of bloody nowhere, and try to contain it, just to douse it in deadly acid, and hear from you, ‘Oh, how could you, Helena? Doing something so dangerous on your own! You're too important and we need you working to fix this reality tear you ripped open! Think about others for once!’” Her mimic was mocking, annoyingly accurate for this familiar argument.

Stop it! Fight later!

If Helena heard Steve, she gave no sign. “Myka Bering, my entire life right now is dedicated to mitigating the damage I've caused the best I know how, and I don't need to hear that sort of shite from you!”

She was trembling; they both were. In her peripheral, something burst into flames; a window shattered, smoking shrapnel landing on the entryway carpet.

Myka kicked at it, and found herself swaying on her feet. “You set up a minefield?”

“A perimeter, yes. For the moment.”

“How did you lug all this stuff here on short notice?” She hadn't helped, she knew. She rested her head in her hands again.

(“You're lucky,” she'd told Pete once. “Your powers don't leave you feeling like three-day-old roadkill afterwards.”

“Yeah,” he'd returned, “but I do spend like a billion dollars on tacos now. Besides, your powers are way cooler. I'm just a regular guy who can lift a bunch of stuff.”

Myka had surrendered to eating sugar, in frankly pathetic quantities, to combat the roadkill feeling the day after. But that wasn't something she'd tell anyone, not even her best friend.)

“I didn't.” As nonchalant as you please.

Myka looked up, narrowed her eyes. “What does that mean?”

“It means, I didn't do it on short notice.” Helena glanced at her, assessingly. “It means I set up what I hoped would be a lure for the queen here. And once she's gone, the rest should shut down.”

“And you didn't think to tell us?” Myka was striding across the room, reaching out to — to strangle her, probably.

She told me, Steve interjected, and Myka stilled. The queen showed up sooner than anyone expected.

Pete might as well have punched her in the gut. We're supposed to be a team, Steve.

“Because we all know how much faith you have in my work.” Helena's momentary smile was saccharine, sardonic.

She sucked in a breath, mind reeling like the colors of a kaleidoscope. “I think you're brilliant,” slipped out. “You've got no common sense, but you're a genius. You're, what, five years older than me? And you've found a whole other universe. Like something out of one of your books.” Helena was staring at her, lips parted, that melting gaze soft and shocked. “You're just so stupid, and — and selfish sometimes!”

Incoming! Myka!

She didn't think, just grabbed Helena and jumped.

But she didn't have some destination in mind, not even some instinctive concept of safe harbor. And now Helena was here with her, floating in this strange stillness that was everywhere and nowhere. I'm sorry, she tried to say, but there was no way to hear.

Like being thrown under a waterfall, she had no idea which way was up, air, reality. Stupid stupid, she'd been so tired, she hadn't thought — and wasn't that what she always accused Helena of? The thing she feared most in herself, the not thinking, the reason for rules... So stupid.

She tried to picture the lobby they'd left, tried to reach for any anchor.

There, that stupid blinking laptop, she could almost see it, and the ceiling plaster raining down, the claws and slobbering mandibles and gigantic five-eyed frilled head.

She pushed Helena away, through, pushed her to stumble onto that ragged red lobby carpet, and then Myka met the monster's claws.

It thrashed, resisted, but Myka yanked it with her, and then everything went black.

[whistlekick]

Sifu Glen Doyle is a martial arts practitioner and instructor. He is a former Kung Fu champion and practices Irish Martial Arts.

There’s a sense of comfort that you get right away when you cross over certain martial arts…

Sifu Glen Doyle – Episode 360

Learning how to fight is sometimes instilled into us on a very early age. Sifu Glen Doyle learned boxing as soon as he began speaking because of his father. Later on, he would turn into martial arts such as Kung Fu and stick fighting. What makes Sifu Doyle special is that he practices Irish Martial Arts traditions that are part of his roots. Sifu Glen Doyle has a lot to tell so, listen to find out more!

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Show Transcript

You can read the transcript below or download here.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Hello and welcome to this show. This is whistlekick Martial Arts Radio episode 360. Today, I’m joined by Sifu Glen Doyle. My name is Jeremy. I’m the founder at whistlekick. I’m your host on the show. And martial arts is a huge part of my life. So huge that it became my career. You can check out all the things that we work on at whistlekick. Many of those things, I am personally involved in over at whistlekick.com. Don’t forget. If you buy something, use the code PODCAST15. Save this 15%. It’s a thank you from us to you and honestly, lets us know that this podcast is worth doing. Because let’s face it. This is a business and we’ve got to make some money somewhere because I need to it. Not a lot but I do need to eat something.

Here we are, 360 episodes in and we’re still finding new martial arts to talk about. Did you know that there were Irish martial arts traditions? Well, today’s guest not only has family lineage through Irish martial arts but also something that most of us would consider more contemporary, more conventional in that Kung Fu. So, we not only get to talk about each of those arts but the contrasts, the similarities between the two, and the wonderful story that unfolds as Sifu Doyle talks about his life and his navigation through both of those arts and what it meant to him and his family. So, hold on, listen, and learn something. Sifu Doyle, welcome to whistlekick Martial Arts Radio.

Glen Doyle:

Thank you very much. Happy to be here.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I’m happy to have you here. Now, listeners, this was one we were chatting just before we started the episode that I think we were both afraid that this might be the episode that didn’t happen. There were a number of power outages on both ends. It was crazy. I’ve had issues with losing power here. I’ve has issues with guests losing power there. I don’t think we’ve ever had an episode scheduled for a time where both sides lost power.

Glen Doyle:

I like to respond like an echo.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Awesome. But we’re here now and I appreciate your flexibility in rescheduling. I’ve been looking forward to talking to you.

Glen Doyle:

My pleasure, my pleasure.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Great. Well, let’s start the way we start a martial arts show. We need some background. We need some basics. We need to learn how to make a fist and punch as it were with who you are. So, how did you find martial arts?

Glen Doyle:

Well, I mean, I was more or less, not to sound melodramatic, but I was kind of born into it. My dad was a boxer. And he boxed for a number of years. Mostly when he was in the Canadian Armed Forces but he was always boxing. And so, he started me whether I wanted to or not. In 1969, when I was 4 years old, he put on the boxing gloves and I got my first lesson. And it went on till however long dad was alive. He started me boxing and then in 1972, he started me in stick fighting. And then I wanted to branch out and learn other styles and stuff. So, in and around 1981, I branched out and joined a Chinese Kung Fu club in Toronto. And I stayed with that club until my Sifu, Sifu Lore King Hong, passed away in 2008. So basically, from 1969 to present has been my martial arts path. But I got basically involved in it with my dad started punching at me and didn’t give me a choice but to punch back, so.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Wow. All right. So, you’ve got a couple of different things going on, a few different martial arts.

Glen Doyle:

Uh-hum.

Jeremy Lesniak:

And one of the things that I find personally fascinating is how people start to relate those back to each other.

Glen Doyle:

Right.

Jeremy Lesniak:

So, what does that look like for you?

Glen Doyle:

Well, I mean, you could… If I go into boxing and if comparing boxing in Gung Fu, a punch is a punch. No matter how you do it, it’s just going to be a different way of explaining with or a different way of executing it. But the end result is the same – you’re trying to hit something. The comparisons that I always was a little more interested in was the stick fighting style that my dad taught me was from our family. It’s an Irish stick fighting style. And when I branched out and explored the other martial arts, be into Gung Fu and then I dabbled in some Filipino stick fighting, I just thought it was really interesting the geographically, the two countries – Ireland and Philippines – are so far apart. But when you put a stick in a hand, there’s going to be some principles that are going to be very similar and some are going to be completely different. So, I was always amazed at the way the footwork might be explained differently but the end result’s the same. And sometimes, the footwork looks almost the same. So, it reiterates and it just emphasizes to me that if you’ve got 2 legs and 2 arms or you’re basically a human being, you’re only going to move a certain way so many times or a certain way so many different times and things are going to crossover. So, as a martial artist, when I branched out into other arts that weren’t culturally the same as mine, there was a nice kind of camaraderie built up in my mind right away. Because it was like, wow, this isn’t so different. I’m not in such a foreign land after all. This is great. And there’s a sense of comfort that you get right away when you crossover certain martial arts. When you find the similarities, it’s like you’re home but you’re not. You’re on the road but your home is… It’s like when you go travelling, you take a big suit case and you want to have a lot of your stuff around you even though you’re in a bizarre place or a different place because you have that bit of that comfort, because you’ve got some items from your home that make you feel a little more comfortable. And I think, when you crossover two different martial arts together, that familiarity is what makes you feel comfortable and allows you to really open your learning curve and really kind of accept the techniques more readily, more instinctively rather than just kind of forcing a square peg into a round hole. If that makes any sense.

Jeremy Lesniak:

It certainly does. I’ve spent a bit of time doing some Filipino stick work and I would imagine that 90% of the folks listening who have engaged in stick work have done it through some kind of Filipino Eskrima or Arnis, you know, Southeast Asian tradition.

Glen Doyle:

Uh-hum.

Jeremy Lesniak:

You said that you had done some sort. Are you able to relate to us the… I expect a lot of similarities but where are the differences?

Glen Doyle:

Well, I mean, the Filipino style that I dabbled in – when I say dabbled, please understand, I’m not professing that I studied it a long time or I’m really super-efficient

Jeremy Lesniak:

Sure, sure.

Glen Doyle:

But I dabbled in it and the fact that I did often on for a number of years because one of the instructors at the Kung Fu club that I was training was from Cebu City in the Philippines.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Uh-hum.

Glen Doyle:

And anytime he was teaching a class, if I had the time to do it, I would jump in and play around with it. It was called Arnis. It was… That’s crazy. Just falling out of my head now.

Jeremy Lesniak:

That’s okay.

Glen Doyle:

Lapunti Arnis De Abanico, there you go. Sorry. And Abanico, I believe, is fan style if I’m not mistaken. And it’s a single-hand stick fighting style. Which is the biggest difference between what I was taught with from dad which was two-handed. And the stick is a lot longer in the Irish system, a little heavier because the blackthorn is a heavier wood. Where the Filipino system is using the rattan. A lot of whirling strikes in the Filipino systems are very fast, explosive. And I found that I like the way that the multiple quick hits, the rapid hits in the Filipino system is something I really love. They were so different from the Irish stuff. So, I was like a kid in the candy store when I first played around with it, so.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Nice. It almost… You know, I have some Irish roots. In fact, my father lives to the south side of Cork. I’ve used some blackthorn sticks. They’re durable, they’re heavy. So, is the stick fighting tradition that you come from, that you’re passing on, is there some synergy there with bladed weapons?

Glen Doyle:

No.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay.

Glen Doyle:

The only connection to bladed weapons is… Basically, the Irish stick fighting came to be simply because of penal laws and whatnot. Irish citizens especially the peasants weren’t allowed access to weapons. A lot of Irish men fought in foreign armies in the 1700s or 1800s. And they learned fencing, they learned sword playing with foreign armies. So, when they came back, that’s all they had to drop on. But because they didn’t have access to bladed weapons, they used stick. And they had to adapt the slashing and stabbing motions for more thumping and striking. So, the only kind of influence in any kind of bladed weapon would be the way the system was approached. Because all, at one point, all Irish stick fighting systems for one-handed based on sword fight but with a stick in your hand. And then somewhere in my family line, my great great great great great uncle, I think it go back five or six generations, he was a pugilist and he decided to put two hands on stick. And the stick was then parallel to the ground, horizontal. And it changed the way we approach the stick fighting. So, any kind of access or comparison to bladed weapons kind of really disappeared when that happened. And now, the pugilist of the boxing influence kind of took over. It became a much more close quarter kind of thing. We had to get in close. Which when you have a stick, you want to keep the opponent on the end of your stick. So, you want to have them on that last six or eight inches for maximum velocity. And then here’s something my dad taught me where it’s like close in, close in. But I have this long stick why do I have to close in? But that would probably be the only… If I could really say any kind of bladed. But there’s no other weapons in the system I learned from my dad. It’s just the blackthorn. That’s it. No knives, no nothing else. So. Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay. Interesting. I’m going to have to find some video. Do you have a video? Is there a video of this thing?

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. I have a bunch of stuff up on YouTube.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay, cool.

Glen Doyle:

Just the live stuff; me teaching some seminars. It’s not instructional.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay.

Glen Doyle:

It’s just in a collage fed to some music. I had a website for a while when… I had to get permission from my dad to teach it outside the family. And that was the whole story itself. And I had website up. It just had pictures on it. And I got a lot of emails and a lot of communicational people. You can’t tell much from a picture. You can only tell so much. And a lot of the feedback, I’m not going to go into it, was oh my god, this to this and I would do this and it was all this kind of stuff. And I just kind of let it roll off my back for a couple of years. And then I said, you know what? Maybe I’ll just put something I knew just so people can see the motion and the movement. And maybe that will help them understand the pictures they’re seeing. So, I put up a couple of videos. And it was the exact opposite type of feedback. I’ve got people like oh, that’s how it works. And it was definitely the right thing to do. Because you kind of got to see the style to understand it. And then now, I find that people are really… It really launches more questions but they’re more listening with excitement rather than derision.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Uh-hum.

Glen Doyle:

And it was all because I put a few videos up. So, I did that just so people can get a sense of how it looked and how it moved. And I find a lot of Filipino stick fighters actually are the most interested. They love watching it and they make their observations and similarities pop up and the differences. It’s usually a really nice interaction when I talk Filipino stick fighters. They usually have really interesting questions about certain techniques and the style, and how this came to be and how that can be. And then, of course, they’ll bring up wow, it’s very similar to what we do. And then it’s kind of like 2 kids talking over a couple of toys that they have that are very similar, right? So.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

And those are some of my favorite conversations with martial artists. And I think those conversations are more enlightening, more productive, more enjoyable when you start from a place of similarity.

Glen Doyle:

Of course. Yes.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Rather than a place of difference. And I mean, I can… I’m trying to think of something that I haven’t done martial arts-wise. Kung Fu might be the furthest from what I’ve done as a complete style. But I can sit down and I can talk with a Kung Fu practitioner and we can start from what do we have in common? We can have a lot of fun. We can maybe even share, spar, and have a good time. Or we can start from differences which tend to be philosophical and that doesn’t help anybody.

Glen Doyle:

No. Usually… Well, it sets the tone, right? Because I think when you come from a place of similarity, then the camaraderie is built right in. If you come from a sense of difference, there’s always this little underlying tone of are you saying your style is better?

Jeremy Lesniak:

Right.

Glen Doyle:

Because it’s so different? I mean, I’ve studied this. I know my style really well. Why are you saying yours is better? And it’s like, you’re not saying that but if you’re coming at them from the differences, people tend to lean towards that. It seems to be kind of human nature. Well, what’s wrong with my style? What do you mean your style’s different? What do are you saying? When you come at the other person from the point of wow, and we do this. It’s very similar to what you do. All of a sudden, they listen with their ears wide open rather than looking for reasons to be offended, right? That’s been kind of my take on it. And when I teach seminars, I always have my opening speech and I always say, I don’t denigrate or take away from any other style. And I always say that I’m saying that we do it this way. I’m not saying it’s better or worse than what you do. I’m just saying you’re different. And that seems to really actually set the tone for the seminar and I knock on wood. I haven’t had any issues at this point, so.

Jeremy Lesniak:

That’s great.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Good. We’ll make sure to link the YouTube channel over on the show notes for this. And for folks that might be new, if you came in, if this is your first episode, we put the show notes at whistlekickmartialartsradio.com. Now you, a few minutes ago, mentioned a conversation that you had to have with your father to get permission to teach this stick fighting style outside of the family. Would you be willing to share that?

Glen Doyle:

Sure, yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

What that was about?

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. Well, I mean, this system was only passed on through family. So, you had to have the surname Doyle to learn it. And they were very strict about that. In Irish traditions, oral tradition is very, very predominant in Irish culture. A lot of times it’s because the occupying forces wanted to kind of diffuse the culture, they wanted to stop the language. Anything to do with individuality or priding your country or where you’re from, they want to kind of take that away. You know what I mean? And so to preserve certain cultural aspects of the country, a lot of things were taught in secret or behind closed doors or secret meetings and whatnot. And that include language and music and whatnot. So, the stick fighting was no different and it was passed on father to son, through family. And if you didn’t have the last name Doyle, you didn’t learn it. And because the stick fighting stuff could differentiate between families. It could differentiate between counties or towns. So, you could have a town that have one stick fighting style. You could have a county that didn’t have the factions from like Tipperary and from Wicklow and Wexford and whatnot. You had the Yellow Bellies, you had the 18:01 There’s a bunch of names that you could… So, they would have a similar style. But anyway, so, ours was based on family name and it was passed on. My dad was very strict about it. When he taught it to me, we spend most of our weekends. He had a full-time job as an iron worker. So, he didn’t have a lot of time during the week. But on the weekends, we’d be doing the boxing and the sticks. And he would always reiterate, this is ours and keep to yourself kind of thing. And eventually, after being in the Kung Fu club for a number of time, my Chinese Kung Fu instructor, Sifu Lore, he was so open because he wanted to share his culture with everyone. And he was amazing that way. And it really rubbed off on me. So, I started saying to my dad, this is such a cool little system and I’m your only son and you’re teaching it to me. But if I walk down the street tomorrow and get hit by a car and get killed, it’s done. It’s gone. And that really bothered me. So, I started asking my dad in the early ’90s. Can I start showing some guys down at the club just some stuff? And he was adamant; no. And my dad… To give you a sense of my dad, to see and get his kind of mindset, the way he was, just a little capsule thing of his personality, he forged my granddad’s signature to join the Canadian military when he was 16. I lied about his age. And he spent his 17th and 18th birthdays on the frontlines in Korea.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Wow.

Glen Doyle:

And he summed up his personality with this – I’m going to keep it clean for the listeners…

Jeremy Lesniak:

For sure.

Glen Doyle:

And if it’s offensive to some people, I do apologize. But it was what he said to me. Because he was really a hard man and I always used to say to him, you’re really hard to people. You speak your mind so you come off rough. And he said, you have to understand me because I killed my first man before I ever slept with my first woman. And that kind of summed up my dad for me. And I mean, there’s no part of my… And you can edit that out, too, if it’s not appropriate. I have no…

Jeremy Lesniak:

No, absolutely not. I think that’s pretty important.

Glen Doyle:

It really set his tone for me. Because I can’t even wrap my head around that. No matter much I tried. That sense of what he must have went through at 16, 17, and 18 years of age. I always gave him a wide berth after that. I always try to step back and understand because he was very straight-edge. He was very straightforward and he said what he said. If you didn’t like it, he really didn’t care. So, going back to saying dad, I really want to kind of share it with some other guys at the club, just a few guys at the club, my closest friends. No. He was adamant. And then in late 1997 or early 1998, he got diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer. And he was only given a couple of months. And we spent all the time together. I was very, very fortunate that I got to do everything I needed to do for closure. And the fact that I got to have my last talk with him, I got to hold his hand, I was there when he took his last breath. I mean, the relationship that I had with my dad, if I wasn’t there, it probably would have driven me insane that I didn’t get the goodbye. So, I was very fortunate that I was allowed to share those times. And we talked about a lot of things. And the one thing I brought up again was I really wanted to teach this outside the family. I don’t have any children of my own. So, again, the style is endangered of just becoming extinct if I pass on and don’t teach anyone. And it took a lot of talking but finally, near our last talk, before he went onto morphine and couldn’t talk anymore because he’s in so much pain, he finally gave me permission. And if he had not, you and I would be having a completely different conversation right now and we’d just be talking about Kung Fu. So, yeah. I was very grateful that he eventually relented. Now, do I think he was happy about it? I couldn’t really say. But all I know is he did give permission. And whether it was his last act of love or not, I don’t know. But at the end of the day, he gave me his permission to teach it outside the family. And after, we had his service and I had his ashes and I spread his ashes over our land. We’re from Newfoundland originally. And I started to slowly get the style out there. I mean, I had an interview with Inside Kung Fu and I think it was 1995. And I got into the moment. The new journalist was really, really good. He really played me really well, for lack of a better term. And I blurted out the Irish stick fighting. And then I immediately stopped talking about it. But he didn’t mention it in the article. And the bullyrag that I got from my dad about that, let me tell you, that went on for a couple of years. So, I learned my lesson. But yeah. He basically gave me permission just before he passed away. So, there’s a sentimentality there when I teach as well. It’s like he’s in the room with me, which I love. And it helps me cope. I mean, he’s been gone since ’98. But it just doesn’t seem like… It seems like yesterday to me. I still think about him all the time. And the sticks is a way for me to kind of revisit our time together and stuff. So, there’s a real emotional sentimentality to me teaching it.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Now, when… Those of us that came up in… I guess I think of it as Asian traditions. When I think of the 24:25 Kung Fu style or Karate style, quite often, there’s a family dynamic.

Glen Doyle:

Uh-hum.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Some kind of splinter there. But I haven’t had the opportunity to speak with someone who came from that close-guarded family tradition of a martial arts. So, forgive me as I’m asking you some of these questions that I’ve always wondered knowing that you don’t speak for everyone. But you’re the best I have.

Glen Doyle:

Okay. No problem.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Why? Why was your father so resistant to people learning this family style?

Glen Doyle:

I think it was just the cultural way. It was just cultural and the way he was raised. Again, with it being guarded and not wanting to basically… Like self-preservation, really. I mean, you always want that. If everybody knows your style, then the percentages of being able to counter you go up.

Jeremy Lesniak:

True.

Glen Doyle:

And every system that you ever come across is one-handed. And now suddenly, you come up against this guy and all of a sudden, he starts one-handed and drops his stick into his other hand. And he comes at you from a pugilistic horizontal base stick pattern. It’s going to throw you. And I think, that element of surprise ups the success factor. So, I think it was a combination of it was tradition – it was the way he was taught. And my granddad was probably exactly my dad, a no nonsense Irish man. Do what I say and don’t question me. And I think that coupled with the fact that technically, you’d like to have a surprise or two in your back pocket. I think the combination of those two things in the formula is probably why he was still adamant. Because when I would explain to my dad how if Sifu Lore said, oh I only teach Chinese, I wouldn’t have been learning this amazing stuff that he was teaching me. I could see my dad understanding what I was saying. But the stubbornness of no, we don’t share it because of whatever reason. I could see there was a wall up for the longest time. And I’d be lying to you if I said I understood it. But it’s just I think it was, for lack of a better term, the programming. It was just the way he was raised. And he kept it without being… What’s the word? Not pure but he just didn’t want… He wanted it untainted. And when you get a style and you put it out into the public domain, it gets changed right away. People are going to adapt it to what they think the movement should be or the way they would do it or strategically how they think it works for them. And all of a sudden, the style ceases to become that movement or that way of executing a technique that’s been passed on for generation to generation. And it means he was big on not changing the techniques. Because, like my dad said, the system was… And I think he was talking about all fighting systems. But when he’s pertaining to our sticks, as he said, he was born on a battlefield. And through evolution and through faction fights, techniques that didn’t work, you got your head bashed in. You knew if they didn’t work, they didn’t get passed on. And he said, nowadays, everybody likes to change everything. But most of the people changing the styles aren’t haven’t fought to save their lives. It’s theory or they got padded equipment on. So, they’re not getting punished for their mistakes or it’s a game of tag. And again, I’m not coming down on anybody who spars or anything like that. It’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying what he said to me. And he said, why would you change something that has been proven? But because here in modern day society, now it’s like well, this is faster or flashier and whatnot. But it’s just a theory. I think, for of the thing he was worried at, if I put it out there into the general populace, it was going to get changed a lot. But it would still have our name on it. And he said, if someone changes it and the technique doesn’t work, it still got our name on it. And they go out and try to use the technique and they get their head bashed in, well our name takes the hit. So, that was kind of his kind of approach. And I think that’s one of the reasons he was really adamant aside from the fact that it was tradition that it was just taught to Doyles. And I think he wanted something to pass onto his son that was just for me, I guess. There could have been a father-son dynamic there that I wasn’t picking up on. Because I was all about this. I loved it so much, I just wanted to share it with everyone. A little bit of family pride, and pride is a double edged-sword.

Jeremy Lesniak:

It certainly is.

Glen Doyle:

And so I think that maybe he was trying to dissuade me from that. And I’ve been teaching it outside the family now since just after he passed away. So, it’s been about 20 years and all the stuff he said has happened. It’s been changed, it’s been this, it’s been that. So, he wasn’t wrong. I’ve had to lock away and discontinue associations with a lot of people because of what happened. That dad said would, sadly. So, I have to kind of give my hat to him because he wasn’t wrong. But on the other side of the coin is, I’ve met some amazing people that passed it on and they’re amazing. So, on the other side of the coin, I was right.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Right. Can you talk a little bit more about the stuff he was right about? I’m not asking you to name names or identify anything so clearly that people could infer names.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. No, no. I wouldn’t do that anyway. But it just… basically, what would happen is a lot of people would come under the guise of oh, I want to learn it the way you learned it. I wanted to stay traditional and I want to learn and then pass it on and whatnot. And really, all what they wanted to do was they wanted to up the 31:16 of their school by saying they offer Irish stick fighting. So, it was more of a business thing. And what they would do is, they would just take certain elements that they like from the system. And they would incorporate it to what they already taught. So, if I did a numbered system… So, let’s say I taught a sequence or there’s a technique that, let’s say, has five movements in a sequence – I’ll try to be really kind of basic here – and we go move it 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And they take the movement. Well, movement 1 and 2 would be from the Doyle system and then movement 3, 4 and 5 would be from where that they learn. So, it would become a hybrid and it would get infused. And then what happens is it started to… Then the people, they taught would then change it a little bit when they start it. So, two or three lessons down the road, it didn’t even look anything like what I have taught them. Yet it still had our family name on it.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Right.

Glen Doyle:

And you’ll see it. If you search Doyle stick fighting, you’ll find a number of videos on YouTube aside from mine and you’ll see. If you have martial arts eyes, you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. And I don’t deny anybody that I trained. If someone wrote to me and said, blah, blah, blah, says this and I will not lie. I’ll say yup, he learned under me. But I will also say, but he has changed it a little bit. So, the stuff he’s teaching is influenced or has a flavor of what I taught. But it’s more of what they’ve done to hybridize it. So, I’m very honest but I don’t deny anybody I’ve ever worked with. Even if I no longer teach them, I will still say yup, they learned under me. They came to a seminar. I’m not going to cut off my connection to them that way because I don’t think that’s fair. They did put in the time. I just want to try to keep the style out there the way it was taught to me. So, if somebody comes to me or goes to somebody and wants to learn what was taught back in Ireland, hopefully, they can find somebody who does that. Not somebody’s version of a version of version 33:37

Jeremy Lesniak:

Makes complete sense.

Glen Doyle:

Because some people want that. They want that authentic style. Some people really do. And others are fine with learning the hybrid stuff. They’re fine with it and that’s all fair to them. I have no problem with that. But when your name’s attached to it, when your family… And again, because of the sentimentality and emotional connection to my dad, I won’t lie. There’s a little chip on my shoulder about it. Some days it bothers more than others. But I’ve learned to live with it now. And now, when I teach, I’m very particular hen I teach one-on-one in person. I just started doing an online course on video. I’m going to test that out and see how that plays out. But I don’t want to… Because of a couple of bad experiences, I don’t want to just say I’m not teaching anyone. Because that defeats the purpose as well. I don’t think that’s fair to people who want to learn it. So, I’m trying to find that. It’s like you’re trying to walk that tightrope, right? And you’re going to have to make some concessions which I learned that I had to. And at the same time, every once in a while you’re going to find that one or two or three or four people that are just going to take it the way it was given to you and they’re going to treat it that way. And they’re going to make sure it stays authentic and how it was passed in. And those are the victories that I take. And then all the other ones, I’ve got to spend some time with different people and different personalities and I choose to take the positive away rather than the negative. Because if I keep the negative, man, I’ll just be the grumpiest person in the world. And I don’t want that. So.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I get it. I get it. Now, I can completely see what you’re talking about. It makes a lot of sense.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. I mean…

Jeremy Lesniak:

The idea that it’s not just a martial art. It’s your lineage. It’s your tie to your father and so many things. And I don’t think anyone else is going to fully embrace that even if they intellectually understand it.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. It’s a… It’s tough to put into words. And when it first started to get changed and whatnot, I was livid. And I have the Irish temper like everybody else in the family. My initial reactions were very cutting off the nose to spite my face kind of thing. And then I learned that that’s not going to do anything and I have to kind of adapt and take more of a philosophical approach to it. Just see where they were coming from and walk a mile on their shoes just to kind of wrap my head around it. And then it kind of eased the blow a little bit. If that makes any sense.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Sure does.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Now, I’m sure that you almost have walls up to make sure that the Kung Fu is not influencing the stick fighting. But I’m guessing that you don’t have the same rule go in the other way. So, how does the stick fighting influence your Kung Fu?

Glen Doyle:

Again, going back to the beginning when we started talking, the thing about the stick and the Kung Fu, it was all about the similarities. But also, the way I teach the sticks, my dad was very… He taught what he felt like that day. He had a system. He had an agenda of how to teach it but it wasn’t so evident. Like I think he would get me to go over some stuff that he taught me the week before and they based on what I did incorrectly or what I did correctly, that would shape what we work on that day. When I started to teach it, I found that the way I taught it was very much influenced by the way I learned Kung Fu. Meaning, you learn your stances. You learn your foundations, boom, boom, boom, boom. When my dad taught me, I got stances and whatnot. But he got me into the stick punches, then he got me into what the hand was doing. And I know I’m using a lot of terms that people are kind of not going to understand because they don’t 38:05 the style. But he got me chasing the stick and crashing the gates and all these things. But I think, if he had more of a system in place, I probably would have learned it quicker because it took a while. Because, I mean, I was only 7 years old when I started, right? But I find that the Kung Ku influenced me in the way I taught the stick. Because I, for a lack of a better word, I systematized it in the fact that I did stances fist, all footwork, footwork, footwork. Because dad was really big on footwork. But I think, even though he was big on footwork, he kept throwing other things at me just to kind of keep the ball rolling. In his mind, I was learning at a pace that he was happy with. Whereas when I teach, if you don’t get your stances and you footwork, you’re not learning anything else. You’re going to be holding the stick forever doing nothing with it because it’s all going to be from the waist down. And that’s very Kung Fu – stances, stances, stances. Strong horse, strong punch – that’s it. That’s the two things you need before you do anything else. And I got to that point when I taught. The similarities between the footwork was very interesting because we have a thing in our style… Because it comes from fencing footwork initially. And then with the boxing influence, the heels are a little different and we step down heel-toe and then we really calmly drag the back leg when we were dancing. And I found… It’s so amazing because in the Hung Gar style of Gung Fu that I learned, it’s almost exactly the same. When you step from a cat stance, you step down heel-toe and then you pop back into your horse stance. And if I had to explain, the stepping in the Irish stick fighting and the stepping in Kung Fu, if I use heel-toe-drag, it works the exact same for both styles. So, the influence, if you want to use that term, was all about the similarities. The Kung Fu wouldn’t give influence anything technically in sticks. Because I wanted to make sure that the way it was passed onto me, I pass on to other people. So, I very evident about that. But I did use the way of explaining Kung Fu, the way that Kung Fu was taught to me, I did let that influence the way I explain the sticks. So, I hope I’m makings sense the way I put that out for you there. I have a tendency to be quite verbose and quite 40:50 And then at the end of the five minutes, people go, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said. So.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Well, as you were talking, I’m doing it.

Glen Doyle:

Okay.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I’m taking those steps. And yeah, I can certainly see the similarities there. My experience with two-handed weapons is limited to Japanese style sword and very little. But the footwork there from what I was taught sounds very similar to what you’re describing, so.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Makes all kind of sense.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. But I’ll do, Jeremy, when we get off, I will send you some video links of me actually teaching.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Oh, perfect.

Glen Doyle:

Just for you. I’ll just send it for you.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Sure. I would watch them

Glen Doyle:

In that way, you can see what we’re talking about. I don’t think it’s going to… I think you’re getting what I’m saying but I think if you see the way I teach it, you’ll go oh, okay. So, I’ll do that for you. I know right now, the listeners are like what about us? But you get special treatment, so.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Well, I appreciate that. I’ve been doing all the work here, so.

Glen Doyle:

There you go.

Jeremy Lesniak:

You and I are doing the work. Listeners, they just get to enjoy all of this. Cool. All right. Well, when you look at this – how do I want to call it – this hybridized martial arts mindset that has become you and these various influences that you have.

Glen Doyle:

Yup.

Jeremy Lesniak:

It’s pretty clear how important your father was. I mean, he started you and gave you this foundation and you’ve added to it and expanded it. But what would you want to add on? If there was someone that you could train with that you haven’t, who would that be?

Glen Doyle:

You mean living or dead? Or just living?

Jeremy Lesniak:

Living or dead. Anywhere in the world, anywhere in time.

Glen Doyle:

My dad was very much influenced by Jack Dempsey.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay.

Glen Doyle:

So, I would say probably Jack Dempsey for a couple of reasons. One, because of my dad’s movement was very much like Jack Dempsey. Because he was a big Jack Dempsey fan and also because of the boxing. But also, Jack Dempsey was quite an interesting person because… I don’t know if a lot of people know this but I believe he was in the coast guard, if I’m not mistaken. Now, I could be mistaken about that. And if I am, I apologize. But I know he was in service in some point and I think it was the coast guard. But he taught a lot of self-defense stuff. It wasn’t just boxing. It was knees and elbows and whatnot. So, he was a very, very well-rounded. And I think he would just be an amazing person to train with. Simply because he’s almost what I would say a similar thing to what I do is that he’s got the boxing but then on the other side of the coin, he had the other fighting techniques that were, if you want to call them, street or a little more lower body and upper body. Because with the knees and strikes and the elbows and whatnot. So, I think he would be an amazing person to train with. I would love to talk to him about his mindset. Because he had that ever forward kind of attack. And when my dad used to teach the sticks, he’s always going to say that phrase – ever forward, ever forward. So, just on that alone, I think that would be my choice. I would love to go train with him and just to pick his brain and just to see how he saw the martial world, and see how he would approach it. So, that would be my answer.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Nice. I’m sure from your time training and travelling, teaching – whether it’s your own students or seminars – you’ve got a lot of stories. What’s your favorite one? It can be sad, it can be happy, it can be funny. I love the stories that martial artists have and that’s really the root of this show. It was I just want an excuse to get people to tell me their stories. So, what’s yours?

Glen Doyle:

Wow. Can I get a tone for the story? Do you want a story of me learning from someone or do you want me teaching someone?

Jeremy Lesniak:

The one that… So, here’s the set up. You and I are at a barbecue and we find out that we’re both martial artists.

Glen Doyle:

Uh-hum.

Jeremy Lesniak:

We’re sharing a beer, whiskey or whatever.

Glen Doyle:

Okay.

Jeremy Lesniak:

And I tell you about the ridiculous time that Bill Wallace kicked me in the ear and said some horribly inappropriate things.

Glen Doyle:

Bill Wallace kicked you in the ear, too?

Jeremy Lesniak:

Oh, yeah. And I cannot repeat what he said on the air because it’s that terrible. I’ll tell you after. So, there’s that story. And you’re trying to meet me or one up me with one of your ridiculous or fun or impressive stories from your time. So, what would that story be?

Glen Doyle:

Well, first of all, just let me say that I, too, have been kicked in the ear by Mr. Wallace. So.

Jeremy Lesniak:

It’s a great club to be in, isn’t it?

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. He… I was in Quebec at the Capital Conquest. I was teaching there and it was the first time I met him. He’s an amazing man, don’t get me wrong. But yeah. He just targeted me for the whole weekend. I don’t know what I did but he would not leave me alone. And the sick part of me kind liked the attention but man, it was an interesting thing. So, we have that to share, you and I. Just wanted to say that.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Well, that’s… I train with Mr. Wallace now.

Glen Doyle:

Okay. I don’t know if he remembers me. But if you say my name…

Jeremy Lesniak:

He probably does.

Glen Doyle:

… in Quebec Capital Conquest.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah.

Glen Doyle:

You can see if here remembers me. He might not but.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I bet he does because I’ve seen his memory in action. And it is impressive. This is for you as well as everyone else listening, when he pulls someone up, he’s gotten very good over his years at identifying who’s going to be a great training partner or a great Uke. Someone who will play along, who has the right sense of humor but also has enough skill for him to work with in his demonstrations. So, it is an amazing compliment across multiple factors when he pulls you up.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. Oh, well that’s… I’ll take that.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah. As you should.

Glen Doyle:

Man. I mean, there’s two stories that I’d love to tell only because I think they really shape me as the instructor that I am. So, maybe that is something you’re interested in. And it’s interesting because, like I said, I have my two main instructors. I have my dad and I have Sifu Lore. And I have kind of one story from each. So, would you like me to just pick one?

Jeremy Lesniak:

You can tell both.

Glen Doyle:

Okay. The first is my dad. And this was when I was young, and I never forgot this. Because I thought at that moment he was the meanest man in the world. And then looking back on it now, it’s an amazing thing. But I was in elementary school. I believe I was in grade 4, maybe grade 5, and for some reason… A little bit about me for people, because people don’t know me, my mom is like 4’11”. My dad was 5’3″. So, I’m 5’4″. I’m a giant in my family. But anyway, I was little. I was a really little kid. So, grade 4 or grade 5. And for some reason, this kid in grade 8 just didn’t like me and was giving me some grief after school. But I was fast, like I could run really, really fast. So, school ended. The bell ran and off I went. I live about 6 blocks from the school. So, I was full out sprint. Jesse Owens would be looking at me going, not bad. Like I was gone. And I got home and he couldn’t catch me. He was close but he didn’t catch me. I got in and my dad was home. He shouldn’t have been but he was home because he got rained out. Because, like I said, he was an iron worker. If the weather’s too rough, they don’t connect the beams up high. So, he was home early. I came in huffing and puffing. He asked me what happened. And I said, oh this boy at school wanted to beat me up but don’t worry, I got away. And without a word, he got up and grabbed me by the back of the head, took me outside where the bully was still there, made me stand up to this guy. And of course, I got my butt handed to me. But when my dad figured that I had enough, he stopped it and took me in. And I felt so betrayed and so angry that my dad would do that to me. And he just looked at me and said, you run today, you’re going to run tomorrow, you’re going to run for the rest of your life. No running. And in retrospect now, I think that was something that I took very, very literally. And it shaped me to who I am. Well, I hated it at that time. I think I’m probably the most grateful for that lesson and all the lessons he’s ever taught. So, that’s the story about my dad and not funnier or humorous but life-changing. And for Sifu Lore, do you remember in China when they had the Tiananmen Square stuff going on?

Jeremy Lesniak:

Oh, absolutely.

Glen Doyle:

Well, they had a big vigil in Toronto which is where I train, where the club is. And Toronto is interesting because it has a number of Chinatowns. So, not just one Chinatown. Toronto has a bunch of them. They kind of pop up. And the main ones aren’t Spadina and Dundas. And the old China town – and again, if people don’t know Toronto, this is not really going to be a good reference but it’s close to where city hall is. And it’s called Old Chinatown. And in the ’80s, it was slowly shrinking. And the big Chinatown about 10 blocks away in a place called Spadina and Dundas was going to be the main big Chinatown. But anyway, they were having a big vigil at the city hall for the Tienanmen Square. And the Chinese community, because our club was so involved in the Chinese community, they hired us to do kind of a crowd control. Because they were expecting a lot of people and they expected them to be passionate. So, we were there. I didn’t want to say security but that’s technically what we were, right? But we’re there just to make sure that nothing got out of hand. So, Sifu got us all together. We all went down. It was a lot of people there. It was a big, big gathering. Everybody had candles and whatnot. And so, at this point, I’m in my late teens or early 20s and we all were. We’re all like young studs, young bucks. So, we’re all faced around this one section and the speech has start. And there’s on guy in the crowd starts to get really passionate and wants to go up and speak. So, he tries to push his way up to the stage. And Sifu’s sitting there and he loved his Tim Horton’s coffee. It’s a rule in Canada, you have to love your Tim Horton’s coffee. But anyway, he was having his coffee. And this guy was really, really passionate. He’s like, I want to go up there and speak. He’s saying this in Chinese. I didn’t know what he was saying but I could tell by his body language that he was getting very, very aggressive. So here, all of us, these young bucks full of piss and vinegar, we do Kung Fu, we’re awesome, we’re going to just… We’re just going to be right out of the movie. We’re going to take care of this. People walked up to the guy and at this time, he would probably be late 70s, maybe early 80s. Sifu Lore walked up and he has his coffee in one hand. And he’s like, look, you can’t go up. And the guy just made this rushing motion. And to be honest, to this day, I blinked and Sifu threw this uppercut out of nowhere. Just enough to knock the guy down. And it diffuses the situation. It was an amazing thing because he just gave him this uppercut out of nowhere. The guy went down. And while the guy is falling, Sifu’s trying to explain to him look, you can’t go up there. He’s still trying to explain to him after he just knocked him. So, anyway, it diffused to take the guy away and whatnot. And we’re standing there feeling like the most useless people in the world. Our Sifu who’s not exactly a young person took care of this guy. All these young guys are standing around, didn’t know what happened. And we looked at… When we went out, one of us said, Sifu, we’re so sorry that we didn’t do it. And he goes, ah, you know, I’m not a master. I’m not a Kung Fu master. And we were looking at him like, what are you talking about? And he goes, I spilled my coffee! If I was a real Kung Fu master, I wouldn’t have spilled a drop. I’m not a master. He was shaking his head. And I found that to be the funniest thing because it really set the tone for Sifu. Because when I joined, and it was a traditional Kung Fu club, he told me call him Jimmy. His English name is Jimmy Lore. His Chinese name is Lore King Hong. And I did it for about a year and it just didn’t feel right so I started calling him Sifu. But his attitude towards titles really affected me. So, even though I have a Sifu title, I don’t really make people call me that. And I think I get it from that story. Just because he was so innocently casual about ah, I’m not a master. I spilled my coffee. I just… I close my eyes and I can still see it happening. And it really impacted me as a martial arts instructor because his honesty about it was humorous. But at the same time, it was such a raw honesty that I think it really affected me as an instructor where I didn’t get so hung up on the titles, and I didn’t get so hung up on being perfect. I got more about the execution. And if a technique is meant that you don’t get punched and you do it but it’s not the way that you learned it but you still don’t get punched, it’s a good technique. It worked. So, I kind of used that story to justify or explain how I kind of approach sometimes when I teach. Where if, in the heat of the moment, something changes, at least it still worked for you.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Right.

Glen Doyle:

So, yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Those are two great stories.

Glen Doyle:

Oh, okay.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah.

Glen Doyle:

I don’t know if that’s good enough.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Knocks it out of the park. That’s what I was looking for.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah, yeah. So, one was a life lesson for me and the other was a lesson on humility and casualness of the additive of the title, I guess. You could class it as56:13

Jeremy Lesniak:

Undoubtedly. Now, what’s keeping you motivated? What are you looking forward to as you look out over life? I’m assuming you’re not planning to stop training.

Glen Doyle:

No. I had to stop training for a number of years in 2012, 2013. It’s nothing to do with training. It’s an out of training injury. It’s more hereditary. But my shoulders, I have this thing called frozen shoulder. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I have.

Glen Doyle:

I got it in my left shoulder and then I got it in my right shoulder. But I have it really bad. But it is genetic. My dad had it in his elbow. He got frozen elbow when he was older. And what would happen was, it came out of nowhere. I went to every person you could think of and no one really knows what causes it. They have theories. But I woke up with it one day… I just woke up with it. Then I had it. I went to bed feeling fine, woke up the next day and my left shoulder, I could barely lift my arm. And it was really debilitating and I couldn’t teach. So, I had to… I thought, actually, my teaching was over. I thought my career was over because I couldn’t do much with it. And then they say it can last anywhere from a month to two years. And mine lasted the full two because my body is that way. But it started to loosen up. I mean I went to rehab and stuff and it did help a bit. But teaching was really tough. And then as the left one was getting better, it actually moved over to my right. I had to deal with that on my right. So, I only told recently… Like in the last year and a half have I really started teaching again. So, I didn’t do a lot of physical stuff because I couldn’t move. So, I gained a lot of weight and I’m still happy with where my weight is. So, what I’m looking forward to now is my shoulders are… They’re still an issue but I can teach again and whatnot. So, I’m looking forward to using the teaching and my training to try to get back to where I feel a little healthier. So, I’m using it as my motivation but also as my tool to reinvent myself at this age. I’m 53 now. So, I’m just trying to get to a point where I can still teach, do things. But also, just to improve my overall mobility and get my health back to where I want it to be. I mean, I’m not in poor health by any means. There are people on this planet way worse off than me and I feel blessed that I am where I am. But I’m going to use what I learned and what I teach and whatnot to try to use that as the catalyst to get me back to where I want to be physically. So, that’s probably where I am right now. And it’s been frustrating. It’s really a test of my patience and you really try to look at yourself in a different light. When you think something you’ve had for so long which just suddenly got taken away from you. Because I thought it was gone. I thought my martial art career was done. I really did and I had to embrace that. And it was a pretty dark time for a couple of years. I mean, I’m still coming out of it. I’m still a little… I still have some dark days. When I can’t move like I used to, it’s frustrating. But there’s motivation in frustration if you know where to look. And that’s kind of where I’m looking now. So, that’s what I’m looking forward to in the future. It’s just to get myself back. And also, I haven’t given up on wanting to pass my family’s stick fighting style on to the world. I still want to do that. And that, again, is why I started the online course. Because it allows me to teach on my good days when my shoulders are really working well and whatnot. Because doing live seminars is great but every once in a while, I get up to do a seminar in some bad days. It’s a bad shoulder day like I call it.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah.

Glen Doyle:

And it’s like, ugh. Because when I go to teach a seminar, I’m all about the people taking the seminar. They’re giving up their time for me. They’re allowing me to step into their minds and move things around. The way they move physically, the way they move tactically – that is a huge honor. And I never want to misrepresent myself and I never want to take that time with them and not maximize it out so they’d benefit. So, if I book a seminar and then on that day, my shoulders aren’t working for me and they only get 50% of what I can do or they only get half of me demonstrating and showing how it’s supposed to work, I feel like I let them down. And I don’t want to do that. So, I think that’s probably why I came up with the online thing. Because I can tape it, I can make sure it’s edited in the best way to show the technique, the best way I did it. So, they get that sense. Because I do it like a seminar, obviously, but I’m talking to the camera. But they get to at least see everything I’m talking about. Where in a live seminar, I’m kind of having a bad day, sometimes I have to crossover stuff. And I just don’t think that’s fair. People are giving their time and their physical availability and, again, allowing me to step into their mind and influence the way they move. They’ve got to be getting the best part of me, right? So, that, I’m not there yet. So, that’s why I really tapered back my live seminars right now. Because I’m not into place physically with my shoulders just yet where I know I can show up and be ready to rock and roll for their benefit. Because, again, I’m all about the people taking the seminar. Because I want them to walk out of that seminar going, that was the best three hours, four hours I’ve ever spent. I’m not saying that from an egotistical thing where I want them to tell everybody that. I want them to feel that.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay, yeah. I get it. Without going too deep, I’ve experienced not that injury but certainly some injuries that have limited my ability to present information. And I know how frustrating that can be.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

When it’s keeping you from multiple goals, your own training, and the ability to pass on your knowledge. I understand that.

Glen Doyle:

Oh, yeah. You shake your fist to the heavens quite a few times.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Now, you mentioned this stuff that’s coming but you don’t have a website. So, what do people do if they want to keep tabs on you and sign up for this course when it’s ready or keep up on where your seminars are going to be?

Glen Doyle:

Well, I have a Facebook Group. There’s a Doyle Irish Stick Fighting Facebook Group and everybody kind of joins that. And anything I have coming up, I make an announcement there. I do have a website. My website is for me as a whole because I’m writer as well and I really embraced it a lot when my shoulders weren’t working so well. So, I write scripts and stuff and I do films and whatnot. So, my website is more of a catchall but there is a page on there that people can write me and contact me and keep tabs on what I’m doing martial arts-wise. I’m a terrible businessman, okay? And I’ve always have been… I’ve lost so much money teaching. I’m surprised my wife is still with me but she’s an angel. And she puts up with so much.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I apologize for laughing.

Glen Doyle:

No.

Jeremy Lesniak:

You’re not the only one.

Glen Doyle:

No, I know.

Jeremy Lesniak:

There’s something about martial artists that inherently, we just want to share.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah.

Jeremy Lesniak:

We just want to give it away. We don’t want to do it for money.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. And I’ve given a lot away. But you know what? I come from that honestly because, again, going back to Sifu Lore, when I joined Jing Mo in 1980… It was ’81 crossover. It was in the winter of 1981. It was what we call a Dungeon Club. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that term. But the only way you join is by knowing someone. It’s the old style Chinese club. There’s no advertising. If you know a member, you… Now, I came across it by accident. And I was, again, it was near city hall. I was with some friends down at city hall and I’ve been looking for at martial arts. As usual, I know it sounds really, really stereotypical but I saw a Bruce Lee movie. And I said, wow, I want to do what that guy does. I really want to see what it is. So, I did some research and I found that he did a thing called Kung Fu. So, I said, okay I’m going to try and find Kung Fu. So, I was actively looking for Kung Fu clubs in Toronto and all the ones that I visited, I just… You know when you just don’t feel it? I just wasn’t feeling it. I went to visit all of them and I just wasn’t’ feeling it. So, I was kind of oh, maybe the Kung Fu is not what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll try Taekwondo or an Aikido. There’s a bunch of clubs. Toronto had so many to choose from. So, anyway, I was down at city hall with some friends. I was there to try to impress a girl which I failed miserably. And I was going home and I was cutting through this parking lot to get a street cardio home. And from the 2nd floor fire escape, this fire door was open and I heard all of this clanging and banging and this ruckus. And it sounded like a martial art class because people are making noise and whatnot. So, I was like there shouldn’t be a club here. There’s no markings on the building, there’s nothing. But it was at the 2nd floor that there was a fire escape. And it’s not the kind that you have to pull out. It was just stairs, just metal stairs. So, I just walked up and took a peek in. And I saw all these guys using these weapons. Some guys were 1:07:06 a heavy bag, some guys were doing hand forms and stuff and I kind of peeked in. And Sifu Lore was sitting, watching everybody and he spotted me. And he’s like, hey, what are you doing? I was just startled. I said, sorry I heard what I thought was a martial art class and I was just peeking in. And he told me to come in. And he made me sit down and he made every one of his students do a form for me and show what he taught. I mean, you understand I was in my teens. My hair was long, I look like a punk, really. For lack of a better term. And I couldn’t believe that he made all the students do a form for me and I was sold. And then I said I want to join. So, I showed up the next day and I was like… The average price back then when I looked at all the other clubs, again, this was in the ’80s, it was about $65 to $70 a month to be a member. And he charged me $10. And I couldn’t believe it. I’m like, okay. So, I gave him $10 a month. I trained, I went… It was open every day, seven days a week, from 5 AM to 10 PM everyday. Except on weekends, it was noon to 5 PM. But 5 AM to 10 PM on weekdays. I went everyday, didn’t miss a day for six months. It was insane – the amount of training. And then I have finished my first hand form and we were doing a demo, a show for… I forgot what it was for, some event somewhere in Chinatown. And Sifu asked me to do my form that I just learned. And I was said sure, I’ll do it. So, that was six months in. So, the next day after doing the show, I came in and I came to pay him. And he goes, no, you’re doing so much for me now. You don’t pay no more. So, my entire martial art education, my entire martial art Kung Fu education, cost me $60. So, I’ve come by the giving it away for free, honestly, because I trained with that man till 2008. So, $60 is what I payed for my entire Kung Fu education. It’s ridiculous.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Sounds like you got a good deal.

Glen Doyle:

Yeah. If you calculated the hours of training, I don’t even think… It’s like $0.001. Per hour, I don’t even know what it would be. But yeah. So, I come across it honestly in that regard. Sorry that I went off some tangent there. But I thought I would share that with you because it was the way I was… It was my experience with Kung Fu. He was such a generous man. And as soon as I started doing shows, he was like, okay. You’re sweating for me now. You don’t have to pay no more. So, I’m sure that he would giggle at me telling that story. But yeah. It was always tough for me. When I first started teaching, even when I taught women self-defense and whatnot. It was so hard for me to take their money. It almost felt criminal because I was so used to just teaching.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Yeah.

Glen Doyle:

But you got overhead. You’ve got to pay the bills. The thing with Sifu, because he was so big in the Chinese community, he didn’t pay for the space. They just gave it to him. The Chinese communities then. So, he had no overhead. So, it was a little different for him. But you don’t kind of factor that in when you’re kind of learning. You’re just wow, I got all these for $60. And now, I’m charging people all this money to teach what I learned for $60. There’s a little bit of guilt there. But I got over it eventually.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I don’t know if I agree with that.

Glen Doyle:

Well, maybe I didn’t. But as far as my…

Jeremy Lesniak:

Maybe mostly, halfway.

Glen Doyle:

As far as my wife’s concerned, I’ve got no work, okay? Between you and me.

Jeremy Lesniak:

Okay. All right. I won’t tell. I promise. This has been a lot of fun. I’ve really enjoyed getting to talk to you today and totally worth the wait to reschedule. So, again, thank you for your flexibility.

Glen Doyle:

Thank you so much.

Jeremy Lesniak:

And I want to ask just one more kindness if I would.

Glen Doyle:

Sure.

Jeremy Lesniak:

What parting words would you offer up to the folks listening today?

Glen Doyle:

Well, I would say… I’m almost paraphrasing my dad to a degree but not so much. If you’re taking a martial art, it comes from somewhere. I understand that the current state of mind is new is better, everything needs to be updated. But through evolution and actual life and death experiences, those techniques you’re learning have been passed on for a reason. And they belong there because they earned the right to be there. So, maybe just respect the past so much. Don’t be into it in an all-fire hurry to change things. Maybe just see how you can adapt them. And the other thing is, don’t be just a fighter; be a warrior. And that’s the one thing that my dad and Sifu Lore, they said it in different ways but they said the same thing. A fighter is someone who fights to keep themselves safe or to overcome their opponent. But a warrior not only trains for self-preservation but also fights for those who can’t fight for themselves. And when you’re a martial artist, you’re taking on a responsibility from the ages before you, from the generations before you. So, try to be a warrior and always remember that there’s people out there that can’t fight for themselves. If you have the opportunity to do it in a safe legal way, always try to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. Because it comes with the territory of being a martial artist. Maybe it sounds a little cliché but I think that advice has really kind of rested in my heart. And so, I’d probably say that as my words of wisdom, I guess.

Jeremy Lesniak:

I bet you could tell I had a ton of fun talking to Sifu Doyle. I mean, what a great guy. What great stories. And how powerful it is that he gets to pass on something he loves that is both martial arts and his family? I’ll admit. I’m a bit jealous. Thank you sir for coming on the show today. You can find show notes with a bunch of photos and notes and links and other cool stuff at whistlekickmartialartsradio.com. If you hit whistlekick.com, you can sign up for the newsletter, you could make a purchase. And don’t forget the code PODCAST15 to save 15%. Uniforms, gears, shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, water bottles, training journal – there’s a bunch of stuff. I just added a bunch of stuff last night. And if you want to just kind of follow all the other stuff that we’re doing, social media – YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. We are @whistlekick. My direct email address, jeremy@whistlekick.com. We keep it simple. And I thank you for your time today. Thanks for coming by, for giving me an opportunity to host this show. Until next time. Train hard, smile, and have a great day.

    Episode 360 – Sifu Glen Doyle Sifu Glen Doyle is a martial arts practitioner and instructor. He is a former Kung Fu champion and practices Irish Martial Arts.

[grnfog]

Ok so this post is related to the sensory overload one i rebloged just before but its not exactly essensial to understand this. This is pretty much just a splurge of personal facts to try n sort them for myself

I wondered if neurotypical people got sensory overload n google is largley implying that no it is not a regular thing for neurotypical ppl (ie all the articles are info about the autism spectrum or on how not be a dick to someone having an overload)

Now i have an appointment at the "local" mental health place 1feb cause i asked to be recomended about adhd

and just have a hell fuckton of imposter syndrome about it and hove doen for the last um...5.6.college.uni.college.college jfc SIX years(?!)

After a teacher asked if i had dyslexia or something cause i just couldnt process his simple af name to write it down. I looked up dyslexia amd asked one of our support department adults for help figuring it out (never hesrd from them about it again after askiny). N eventualy came tot the conclusion that its not that. Letters occationaly teleport to the wrong place before righting themselves but not often enough id consider it irregular.

Next was other simple more obvious things like the numbers one since i remember bieng super behind in maths exept i was actualy really good at it when i could do the work. So not that.

I made the jump to maybe just like "minor" autism cause ppl where adameny my little brother was on the spectrum because of stuff he did exept that stuff made perfect sense to ms even if it wasnt behaviors i shared like his oversensitivity to food texture.

N then a friend in mh college first year turned out to be autistic too which i didnt learn till after id had debates abput how thinking and emotions work and i was told i was thinking too much like her or something n again things she did that other found odd made sense.

N i spent like 3 years looking into that. And ask a dr about looking into it proffessionaly the second year but was just told "well thats usualy caught in childhood and there isnt really anything we could do to medicate it or anytbing sk theirs no point" i didnt want to medicate it i want reassurance im not just stupid and that theirs a reason im like this. If i have that i can start working on managing myself around and with it to get arpund stuff like memory lapses and overstimulation.

It wasnt till this year, my 4th year out of highschool my mum mentioned i WAS suspected of having adhd by a teacher frkm when i was like 6. Like heavily suspected. Exept i kno for a fact the headmistress had something against our family (she sent social serveces to my home while we where at school because my parents sent 1 of us to school in a short sleeved coat in winter......the 1 with said coat is my sister....who lacks arms! No mention of the older 2 kids in long sleaved coats to cover their existing arms. They even asked "and whos child is this" regarding my damn baby brother cause he clearly was not bieng neglected as this headmistress had told them my sister was) so it wpuldnt surprise me at all if she had discouraged the teachers from reporting it or just blocked the reports if she could.

N i have done looking into adhd istead and that all fits. Problem is prettymuch all of it also still fits into the autism boxes. And ive stilll got that hellton of imposter syndrome. So i dont really know what to do at this apointment

Beside say look something isnt right. here is my closest two guesses from info i could find but u r a proffessional so please help me so i can start accuratly managing my life like a functional adult ?

[shinythingsorpaperrings]

things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)

Right Here, Right Now Right here, Right now I'm looking at you and My Heart love the view Cause you mean everything  im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them

Today Was A Fairytale But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me Fell in love when I saw you standing there every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly

Hung Up I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice And leave a message every time i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once

Thunder I don't wanna ever love another You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away

Check Yes Juliet Run, baby, run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart If you give them the chance we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok

Two Is Better Than One Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly

Mine You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell

Love Story And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet" But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go  swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us

Marry You Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you i think its kinda self explanatory

Can I Have This Dance Take my hand, I'll take the lead And every turn will be safe with me Don't be afraid, afraid to fall You know I'll catch you through it all this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so

2002 Now we're under the covers Fast forward to eighteen We are more than lovers Yeah, we are all we need When we're holding each other this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there

Everything I Ask For Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something) But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing) 'Cause she's everything I ask for gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow

Alone Together I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok

Still Into You I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you  i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much

Runaway (U & I) I wanna run away Anywhere out this place I wanna run away Just U and I wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start

Ours Seems like there's always Someone who disapproves, They'll judge it like they know about me and you, And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do, The jury's out, And my choice is you another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours

Song 2 You I'll give you my song These words to you Sing you what I feel My soul is true. a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people

Stupid For You You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note I'll take what I can get The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you And everybody wants you basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though

Right Girl I've never been the best with my mouth Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl

Rock Bottom That you hate me now and I feel the same way You love me now and I feel the same way We scream and we shout And make up the same day everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain

Trigger Why can't we talk about it Why don't we try I think we can change our minds If we could just look at it through each other's eyes Instead of letting bullets fly i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late

I Really Like You Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them? I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin' I'm running outta time, going outta my mind i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me

How You Get The Girl And then you say I want you for worse or for better I would wait for ever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait for ever and ever i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones

Be There I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel I'll make it right when you're going through hell I'll be the call when there's no one to tell no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there

Anchor If you’re lost And feel like you’re alone I’ll be the one to guide you home You’ll never have far to go just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to

My Life Would Suck Without You Maybe I was stupid For telling you goodbye Maybe I was wrong For tryin' to pick a fight I know that I've got issues But you're pretty messed up too Either way I found out I'm nothing without you i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails

Dopamine What you do to me is no good But baby, you're good for me, so good for me We break up to build something new Chasing after what I have with you i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after

I’m Yours So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you

I Want You Back Oh, baby, give me one more chance To show you that I love you Won't you please let me Back in your heart Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go Let you go baby Cause now since I see you it is all victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true

Just Wanna Be With You I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu I lose my voice when I look at you Can't make a noise though I'm trying to Tell you all the right words Waiting on the right words one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right

Marry Me Forever can never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE ONE

“its week ONE. why is everyone being so cracked i hate it here i absolutely hate it here someone take me out with a sniper rifle” - aria 

HOH: Jev UPSIDE DOWN: Jacob & Gina NOMINEES: Kiki & Nash POV: Nash FINAL NOMINEES: Kiki & Mo EVICTED: Mo (14-1)

PRESEASON CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEdLzVoyttU&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=2&t=0s

JOEY

WOO holy shit this cast is filled with such insane personalities, and I cannot WAIT to play this game!

NASH

tell me why i'm already nervous

NASH

waits patiently for mo to pick another damn person to infect

GINA

skghkdgljhgdlj BRAIN HURTY,, sm people to talk to and everyone is so so nice! just glad I'm not winning hoh

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-bwCxQGRhk

alternative title: im very mean for 20 minutes

KIKI

so far the cast seems very sweet! a little quiet so far but otherwise im really enjoying talking to them!! and i think the twist is a cool idea but could be dangerous.... maybe a little too easy to expose alliances

GINA

I really like this cast! I'm actually really good friends with Aria (but we keeping that a secret) and I recognize Joshua from other orgs! Also, this twist seems super fun!

ARIA

okay,,,,okay,,,ok,,,k my brain is struggling to complie everything ive learned today i am STRUGGLING!!!!

So!! Lets make a tier list

We're working together (didnt even need to discuss)

-Nathan

-Jacob

-Gina

Asked to work together

-Joey

-Joshua

Implied we're working togther but lower tier

-Jev

-Josh C

-Monty

Super Sweet & Nice

-Bri

-Kiki

-Dem

-Mo

Sweet but i want a response

-Nick

-Emma

_saira

-jake

-Nash

So thats what i've gathered for today mostly, Jacob-Joey-Jev-Joshua all seem to really want to work close with me and we've talked a bit of game ( ITS ALL THE Js HELP) and seem super open while the girls seem more closed off as of now, kinda worried gina isnt gonna be active enough but idk, oh also everyone is noticing bri is CHAOS and that nick is talkative/assertive. more to update in a bit but heres a trust ranking for night one, one more thing jev said he doesnt like nathan or nick :OO and someone else mentioned nick being overbearing

1.Gina (i love her to the moon and back)

2. Nathan( the charisma SNAPPED this game go off sir!!)

3. Josh C (they're also charismatic but they're hecking hilarious and our view are pretty similar) 

4.Jev (they cared about me!! and im nice to them and this is just really wholesome)

5.Jacob (LOVE him but we havent talked enough beyond "we're winning this game")

6.Joshua (super fun to talk to, same og community king)

7.Bri (they wont keep info to themselves but shes SO sweet pls take my heart)

8. Joey (hes kinda sketching me out tbh but also he wants to work with me so)

9.Nick (they wouldnt put me up and thats all i could ask for)

10.Monty (PLEASE trust me i need ur braincells)

12.Kiki (sHES SO SWEET AND GOOD AT ART ADORE HER)

13.Mo (existential dread buddies <3)

14.Dem(approached game w/ me,,,but on the first message so might be doing that w/ everyone)

15.Nash (kate protection gang!!!)

16.Saira (we loVE DOGS! and thats it)

17.Emma (feel better soon,,,then pls talk to me k thanks)

18.Aria (dont trust anyone,,,not even yourself)

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykD4dZjsDl0

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/odNZXz-jNtw

MO

If alliances have been made already, I am gonna have some QUALMS... This cast is very cute, I love meeting new people, let's see we have

Aria - an ANGEL we've been talking about SIX the musical and slime tutorials

Brianna - The first person to recognize me using a Carole & Tuesday song in any of my videos. I'm v grateful.

Dem - He kinda jokes like a mom... 

Emma - I'm friends with Emma outside of the game and she is such a chaotic sweetheart. We been in the house a day and she plays Lois Griffon singing Doja Cat... for what...

Gina - I have not talked with her, I just said hi.

Jacob - Jacob is nice. I think I've yet to have a super positive ORG experience with him tho. So. Yeah.

Can I do the rest tomorrow cus I'm tired and just not in the mood. Okay thank you.

SAIRA

I was a little surprised by the amount of people dming me but they all seemed pretty nice! The twist sounds cool, I'm excited to see how it plays out

JEV

i definitely did NOT expect to win the first hoh but here we are, i have no idea what i'm gonna do but i need sleep so that's tomorrows problem

JOSH C

HELLO! it's your boy josh coming to give you some thoughts on the cast. coming into this game, the only person i know of beforehand is.. JACOB who has managed to snake me in both games we've played together so that's cute. i don't really have a choice but to trust him for now bc that's my only outside connection so we'll see how it goes. he's fun to talk to so i don't really mind but my eyes are PEELED for it going south.

my favorites just from the first night are probably aria, kiki, nathan, and saira. for no REAL reasons other than i just feel like i've had the best conversations with them and they were more fun than the rest of the cast. i'm not sure if those will stay the same but that's HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!!

i've reached out to everyone and heard back from everyone (other than nash.. dunno what that's about so i'll just let it sit there. i don't REALLY mind bc it's good if i win HOH because it's a good reason to throw someone up there). everyone is cute enough, though i think i've connected LEAST with brianna, dem, joey, and monty? just haven't gotten a lot of energy back from them but i'm hoping that was just FIRST NIGHT jitters of people not putting in their full effort into their social game.

i'm going to spend today just chatting with people so i have a base relationship with them and that way if jev goes the route of asking people who they'd him to nominate -- i'm not someone they name simply for not knowing who i am. trying to be a little SOCIAL QUEEN. fun and funky so let's hope it pays off.

for the twist, i'm not really sure how to play this. i don't think the first round is going to have the BEST power hidden in it but it'd be nice to know that i for sure won't be first boot. (though i'm feeling OKAY enough that jev won't kill me bc we've talked at least). i think i'm going to wait a minute before i ask someone to send me in, or someone just sends me in on their own accord. that way people don't look at me for having a secret power bc it'll be really easy to narrow down who has one and that's just such an unnecessary way to get a target on your back. i like the twist, it's just hard to figure out how to play it and maybe i should just wait until someone does it for me or i'm one of the later people to get it so i get safety when there are less people in the house and it'll be harder to survive.

xoxo gossip josh

SKINNY NICK

https://youtu.be/yNBReh_pBPk

NATHAN

He's here, he's queer... and oddly enough starting off by not doing a Video DR; however, I think when making an initial first impression/trust list this method seems to go a little smoother... First off, coming right off of Big Brother Pasio and thrown into this game has made my head hurt more than it should. I forgot how annoying and tiresome the initial conversations are with everybody. With that said, I have begun to kinda pick out a path that may be suitable for me this season. In Pasio, my goal was to lay low, not be seen, and form connections. That strategy is going to be partially active this time around as well. I'm a big personality, and while that's fun and cute, I learned by keeping a low profile in the beginning portion while remaining social it does wonders. I don't need to be a Skinny Nick character and be talking in the house call and house chat at every ounce I get. With that being said, this season is full of Pasio players... some in which I had both good and bad experiences with. However, pushing that aside I really have my eyes set and locked on Aria. I have a feeling that the other Pasio alumni may see her for how she played in Pasio and I do as well, but I want to make sure her and I are on as good as terms as possible. She did NOT like me in Pasio, so rekindling that flame is ultra important. Alongside Aria, I get to play with both Monty and Jacob who I've had rocky relationships with in the past, but have grown to become great friends outside this. Working with them is going to be vital, but keeping them too close is suicide. With that being said, here's my initial trust ranking:

1. Aria

2. Jacob 

3. Nash

4. Jev

5. Josh

6. Monty

7. Joey

8. Nick

- - -

END LIST

JOSH C

okay, well nominations just came out and i can't say i'm too surprised that nash got nominated for eviction considering she hasn't responded to me yet and most everyone else is saying the same. i can't really imagine anyone using the veto on her unless she has a complete social turn around in the next 24 hours but that seems like.. a stretch. just gotta hope she doesn't win! we love an easy first week boot!

i'm a little sad about kiki getting nominated because i've really hit it off with them, but i think it's a good way to secure some trust with them and spark off a relationship. i've been trying to already be like YOU GOT THIS, YOU'RE STAYING! NASH DOESN'T TALK TO ANYONE! and i think they're being receptive. i like that i can joke around with them, so i'm hoping they enjoy me as much as i enjoy them.

i've also had aria and jake come talk to me about noms which means they trust me and that's GOOD. i want to try to secure something with them soon because i think they're both people that would want to work with me and i know that jake doesn't have a lot of connections already so being an early ally of his would be BIG.

just trying to focus on being a cute little social presence so people don't really focus on targeting me early on. i think this is a game full of half social players and some.. not so exciting people so it'll be easy to just slip through by not being the most boring person around. i don't want to promise TOO many people loyalty just yet but i think building a small core for myself will be important to keep me safe and i'm hoping that can come with jake/aria/kiki/jacob(?)

JAKE

chile............. where the fuck am i?

i dont know what dimension i'm in right now with these people but i am ready to show them what i am made of!! so far i've felt..... on the outs of most of what is going on so im just gonna give my perspective on things so far!! 

the cast....... ill just do an assessment

dem: said maybe three words to me since we've started... so there's that

saira: seems like a queen! i def need to talk to her more i've been sleeping on her and i think we'll get along well

joey: girl sometimes idk what this man is saying to me but we're rolling w it..

nash: her "sick" ass hasnt responded to my message from yesterday so bye

joshua: oh he can work! hes fun to talk to and i def see some potential to working with him. hes only 16 so yung so pure i remember those days </3

nathan: hes so hot god i literally want to eat his entire ass but i dont wanna be creepy so im trying to subtly flirt with him SDLKJFSKF he seems to be a sneaky player to me but hopefully thats not the case and we can be a showmance later on hehe

emma: LEGEND. QUEEN! PUT SOME RESPECT ON HER NAMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my ride or die in this thing <3

jev: oh jevfrey my angel im so happy he's here!!! he's a loyal guy from what i remember and ill def be working with him ESPECIALLY now that hes the first hoh ayyyyY!!!! i feel completely safe with him

kiki: oh i LOVE THEMMMM we had a great connection from the jump and i have a soft spot for them for sure. theyre sadly nominated this week i did not know why jev made that decision but i will make sure they stay know THAT

monty: monty left me on read :( we had a kinda awk convo so idk how monty feels about me right now?? i def dont think he trusts me and ugh i hate the tension!!!!!!!! i hope we can resolve it all and be friends again

josh: KDJKFG i love this man... hes not entire truthful and is def playing me a bit but i think he's great and hopefully he doesnt turn out to be the snake i think he has the potential to be

gina: idk what to think of this girl she doesn't reply much to me and we haven't really spoken much for me to really get a good read of her. i infected her and idk if she'll take that a certain way i came to her with the explanation that we just havent talked as much. idk shes fine?

mo: hahhaha hes a cutie too and i think hes not much of a talker so i think hes nice for the most part it's just kinda hard talking to him sometimes

brianna: um....... yeah we haven't spoken yet and she infected me so idk how to feel about her yet. she claims it was this number system but do i fully believe thats what she based it on? not really.. so ill def have to talk to her more

aria: NOW THIS........ THIS IS ELEGANCE. THIS IS CLASS. THIS IS EXPENSIVE. THIS IS TASTE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! this 15 year old girl has me shaking to my god damn core with her social game within a 20 minute conversation ive already devoted my entire game to her and our "attention whores" alliance. iM GAGGGEDDDD i really like her and i know shes a big threat but if shes with me then we can do some damage together hehe

skinny nick: SKINNYYYYY i dont have much to say about nick i think they're well connected in this game so i have to make sure i'm good with them a little more. our convos are a little dry hopefully that'll change as the game goes on

jacob: a sweetie.. i really like jacob as a person but as a player he scares the shit out of me DSLKFGFKJ he lied to me like every round in BBHOS9 so i dont rly know if i can trust him. he def has other friends in this community hes playing with so ill have to sus out who exactly that is...

and......... yeah! kiki and nash are nommed. gina n jacob went to the down under. i think jacob will def get whatever power is down there he is one lucky man so i wouldn't be surprised if it's something good. oh well hopefully when i go i get whatever the best thing is a dpov mayhaps!.......

i hope the next hoh is something i can win because i want these people to TALK TO MEEEE tell me where their heads are at for god's sake! me on day 2: why arent you telling me all your alliances? dFGKLF i feel like im okay just gotta talk to some said people more and try to make sure they dont hate me!

JOSHUA

I thought Jev was nice but I'll have to go back on that because he absolutely is not fooling a single person, I thought we'd be allies but he's been acting sus all day so he can choke on rat piss. Joey and nick literally aren't talking to me at awl so... they can choke and die too. Aria is talking to me a lot but I know she talks to everyone a lot sjdkjds queen of big brother pasio... but I trust her for now I guess. Other than that I'm not super like concerned with anyone else I mean brianna kiki gina mo are nice I guess.. mo is a little hard to talk to though so :( anyway glad to be here but my social is kind of rocky skjdjskdj : ( ( ( ( ( 

JEV

SKINNY NICK

https://youtu.be/0Kb-twzCkYI

MO

trying to hint to dem that I’m not okay... wonder if it’s working

ARIA

its week one. its week ONE. why is everyone being so cracked i hate it here i absolutely hate it here someone take me out with a sniper rifle im sick of this, but its fine im gonna try to do my best to explain EVERYTHING bc whew is there a lot..

First off lets start with the fact ive been talking with everyone from the moment i woke up and my fingers hurt so much but also now people like me and thats all i need in life so heck yes!! So when it was nash vs kiki i start planting seeds to keep kiki with people and then nash wins veto so thats thrown out the window yayyyy- 

Things start happening after jev renoms Mo. First off i get a call with crack kills (joey bri me) and we discuss the vote a little bit with Joey leaning towards keeping Mo and Me/Bri wanting to keep Kiki, joey leaves and me and bri talk about the alliance we were invited to (jacob josh jake kiki us) and then i notice theres a house vc which i then go and join alone.

It was silent for a bit before they mentioned they were talking about votes and were being kinda secretive about names but i asked directly so Mo tells me that dem told him that there was 5 confirmed votes against Mo (nash Jacob Nick Joshua/Jacob(dont remember which) and Josh c) he said the names really fast so i mightve missed a few and nathan interjects about my notes and like??? shut up nathan???? anyways i act all shook about an alliance and we talk about votes and apparently when mo campaigned to bri she just sent "hugs" and im caCKLIGN FDSGFDSH anyways that confirmed 5 votes is gonna make people nervous and cause people to keep Mo which like, im not totally against but i just want a unan vote please. Also i think dem & emma dont really trust me which is big ughhh idk if one of the pregame girlies (any of the names from that list) win hoh next week ill throw one of them utb easy peasy 

So then i start asking around to gina and she ghosts me??? gina NEVER ghosts me so im sketched out there and Mo is asking for my help when i already told kiki i would save her its such a messsss. So if i had to guess the sides i would say 

PREGAME GIRLIES: Nash Jacob Jake Joshua Josh c kiki

UNCONNECTED NOT PROTECTED: Dem Joey Emma Nathan Mo

Whomst: Saira Jev Monty Nick Gina Bri

Help: Aria

So, where do i go from here? How do i make sure this vote comes out hecking even,,, im not sure. nvm i am sure because Mo just told me they want to give up HFBHJBSDFS MO MY SAVIOR ILL NEVER FORGET YOU KING <<<<3333333 okay nvm hes not fully giving up but im giving him an avenue that would make my life much easier where im telling him to have good convos with people so they connect more and if anyone feels moved theyll come to me and ill get the ball rolling with a easy peasy unan vote hopefully. But i think i might be able to manipulate this situation to my advantage WHEW im hyped now!!

So lets say mo leaves the thought of those "five confirmed votes" is still gonna be in peoples heads mainly dem/joey/emma/nathan which might form into a side and go hard for hoh taking out some big social player and then we have two sides going after each other which would be cute.

I would make trust rankings but i trust no one fbhsafd and thats on pewiod

JAKE

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!! im not the first boot :~) let's celebrate that.... 

but i'm not too thrilled about these noms...... im happy nash won POV she started talking to me more and shes actually really cool so i wanted her to stay. i am sad kiki is nominated i don't want them to go at all..... and mo being the replacement nominee was a shock to everyone i think..... 

i don't have a problem with mo leaving cuz we have a weak connection i just thought dem was going up based on my prior conversations with jev. he says dem started talking to him more but i just wish jev would talk to me and emma about his decisions if we're "aligned"?? like whats the point of having an alliance if we don't have any say in your decisions?

today i woke up to a message from josh asking me what i think about being in an alliance with jacob brianna aria and kiki........ and im just like wtf where this come from and he said that jacob is making it and its just his fave ppl??? im like ok like im not one to turn down an alliance but i let him know that i dont rly trust jacob n brianna as much as the others in the alliance. hopefully this makes him feel close to me and not blab his mouth to jacob ab that! 

brianna has yet to speak to me and jacob is just someone im always gonna have a hard time trusting sooo if i have to nominate them down the line i won't hesitate unless this alliance is genuine and helping me in the game.

i really only trust emma so far with aria being my secret spy and big meat shield im gonna need in this game. aria's super well connected and im hoping she'll be able to provide me w the information i need to take bitches down later on. 

i think i'd be worried about brianna winning bc we've never talked but at least we have this alliance possibly in the works?? and i dont know if nick would nominate me we haven't talked much..

but i want to win the next hoh so people actually talk to me LOL praying i can win

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell

[sealedbeastnue]

early-mid season (brunch?) anime review time, featuring acclaimed hits such as Oreimo 2: Incest Divide By 0 Error, Re:Zero Sidequest: Furry Fuckers who Shit in the Woods, and my personal favorite, The Cube Show

oh god this is so long im officially otaku trash here we go

so lets start with the best show ever:

clockwork planet: wow this was weak. I really liked No Game No Life but this does not hold that standard (not that it’s a high standard to aspire to but this is just not as fun). This was absurdly slow cheap looking trash that uses a Potentially Interesting concept to do absolutely nothing. dropped. dropped right on its dumb head full of gears.

alice to zouroku: also looks pretty cheap but it has a lot of interesting stuff going on. I don’t know how to Feel. the show hasn’t really ramped up yet but it could go in a ton of directions and I’m ready to be totally blindsided by where this goes.

ID-0: man this really is the Season of Baffling Concepts. tay keeps telling me this is a comedy but im not seein it. I think it’s a pretty decent space sci fi concept show that seems to be gearing up for... something philosophical? no clue. I like what we’re setting up and I want more. unfortunately this is the type of show where, like with gatchaman, I cannot physically focus my eyes on the mech designs long enough to realy appreciate them. probably just my problem though.

seikaisuru kado: the real standout of the SF offerings this season and my personal favorite this far. I don’t want to spoil too much but The Cube Show is not a show you should skip. looks and sounds fantastic, concept is great, writing is... really not fucking around at all, is it? slow, grindy high concept sci fi with very human characters (lol get it). this will be remembered even if it ends up being stupid (it wont). dont miss it

re:creators: I really dont know. every episode is an infodump but we’ve got a cool cast of characters, they’re likeable, and this has tons of potential. IIRC this is the team that did aldnoah:zero so it could go to shit instantly but for now it’s solid and has me wanting more. also gunpuku no himegimi <3 design <3

oushitsu kyoushi haine: had no expectations and was not planning to watch, turns out this is top 5 shows this season? it’s not fujobait. probably. has a fantastic OP/ED pair, looks consistently Really Good and everyone’s likeable. also if we’re going to bring back chibi this is the way to do it: sparingly, and with really strong visual gags. the one thing I REALLY WANT is more worldbuilding

uchouten kazoku S2: glorious so far. this is even more wild than season 1. if you haven’t heard of uchouten and you have even a passing interest in japanese mythology, comedy, or shapeshifting moms you really should go check it out - everyone is a FUCKER and everything Escalates Very Fast. tenmaya is best waifu of this season though... this fucking old guy... hes perfect

eromanga sensei: call me trash I dont give a shit. this show is pretty good. its definitely weird siscon bullshit but its pretty good regardless. I like to have fun. do you like to have fun?

sakura quest: more like Too Real Feels Quest. if you’re a person in your 20s-30s who has ever struggled with adult life in any way, this is for you. I have no idea how something like this got produced in the current industry climate but it’s fuckin great and painful and honest and real. I have a pet theory that Manoyama is Not On Earth as We Know It and that this town is fae folk btw lets see how that plays out

bastard akashic records magical instructor super dangerous dudessss better watch out boyz: likeable just because of how blatantly shitheaded MC is. these character designs... uh... those sure are garter belts... so far this is entertaining and not much else but that’s okay they dont all have to be miracles

soutai sekai: I have no idea why this exists or what can justify this show. Reol why did you get involved in this. you’re so far above trash like this. someone must have offered her serious fucking dosh to associate herself with this. im gonna complete it (its only 2 eps) but this is definitely garbage.

girl beats boys: ever wanted to watch cromartie highschool but with no comedy instead its kind of a weird documentary? turns out I did. this is kind of fun actually! it’s so odd I can’t help but admire it

maid dragon specials: ?????????????okay???? if we gotta

kabukibu: I’m a big fan of SHOUTING AWKWARDLY. dropped instantly. dont care if accurate, this is weird and dumb.

frame arms girl: this is where it becomes clear that I have desperately overextended this season and have become WAY too generous with my time when it comes to anime. this was a miscalculation I am regretting. also, this show isn’t good but I guess I can see the appeal. if anything should be an 8-minute-episodes show it’s this. probably dropped.

forest fairy five: I got bamboozled by the cover. I can’t make an excuse for my foolishness. It Will Not Happen Again.

high school fleet OVA: this needed to come like six months ago if you wanted to capitalize on this. I dont remember a single one of these characters. sorry lads, its not workin

mahoutsukai OVA 2/3: Yes. show coming in the fall is fucking hype

sin: nanatsu no taizai: I, too, like to get fucked by tentacles. also Miami

sekai no yami zukan:

also currently watching:

kekkai sensen: holy shit dude this is so good. I can’t believe the animation and music quality? how is this not legendary? maybe it gets fucked up down the line but on episode 3 this whole concept is such a solid package I cant see myself not loving it very strongly.

scrapped princess: I sscrappedddd (JOKES!!!) this show a few times bt now that I’m finally giving it a chance I can see that the fight scenes have a surprisingly good quality and end up in cool locations (crystal caves with actual foley work to back it up? and a complete tonal shift in the visuals? sign me the fuck up dude)

older stuff I finished recently:

did I mention girls und panzer last time? probably. this is still great though. I cant get over the fucking Finnish artillery gun scene in the movie jfc this is just soooo good

so ra no wo to: fantastic as a slice of life/military show with musical elements. if you see people comparing this to K-On tell them to fuck off because the only similarity is the time they were released. this isnt a light music club show. probably the best visual style of any show I’ve watched recently - really sets the tone of the show and adds a LOT of otherworldly and mysterious qualities... strong girls... let them be strongth... OP/ED is wonderful too

death parade: looked pretty cool. ended up making me kind of sad and the characters were a bit empty (no I’m not counting the fact that they’re Puppets as a valid reason for that). more than enough has been written about this show.

upotte: who told me to watch this? who the fuck? I’m gonna find them strangle them. dropped this is for weird gun otaku smeglords

kuzu no honkai: my dick was absolutely raw at the end of this. I was leaning to the side and hunching over slightly for the next 24 hours. people who dont like this have never been challenged by a horrible relationship and/or are repulsed by raw painful emotionally-charged human sexuality (both of these things are fine by the way)

rakugo lovers double suicide (season 1): on the other hand. with regard to human sexuality. time for probably my most controversial opinion ive ever had. this show is GARBAGE. VALUELESS GARBAGE. the characters are absurdly, laughably flat; the entire season is a bait and switch; it’s REALLY SLOW and drags for about 2/3 of the season because it only had about 4 episodes worth of actual content; every character motivation makes no sense especially the death scene near the end are you serious? did people really take that seriously? I was so irritated by the fact that this went down like this that I actually had to go away from my computer for a while. this show isn’t gay either, it’s the most painfully straight thing and it has no perspective other than that of a straight person who has never experienced anything outside of their sphere of comfort. also FUCK this hoe what is her PROBLEM? go ditch her stupid ass if she’s gonna be like that. she’s an abusive partner who abandoned her child repeatedly and it is absolutely ridiculous that they put up with her presence. they’re all pretty abusive though so whatever I guess that  makes this fine. people who enjoyed this, I’m sorry but you got fucking duped man. this was not written by a fully formed human mind. this was its season’s Yuri on Ice and is currently hideously overrated. please do not waste your time on this. or do, so you can see how awfully it’s written and understand that Most People Are Dumb Idiots With No Taste.

ao oni the animation: please explain why this franchise was ever popular. I do not fucking get it. I really tried. this show came about 6 years too late regardless I cannot justify its existence

gakuen handsome: 2deep4me zaaannkoku no tenshiii no these (evangelion playing in the background my third eye is opening)

yumekui merry: Painful. if this is actually a quality show, my bad but fuck these goddamn cats. I hate anthropomorphic cats with all of my being

[brewdarrymore]

THOUGHTS ON THE TVD SERIES FINALE

ok ok ok. i gave up on this series long, long ago, mid season six, but my nostalgic ass had to watch the finale because i NEEDED closure. and oh boy. OOOOOOOOOOHHHH BOY. HERE WE GO.

so i’m gonna start off by saying that i am ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly crying. i have not been this emotional over a show in a WHILE, and this is a show that i gave up on!!! this emotion, these tears are how the vampire diaries used to make me feel in practically every episode all the way up to season 3. this is why i fell in love with the show. for this feeling. i used to end up in tears almost every time. i lost that as the series went on, and i missed it more than i knew. but the finale gave it to me again. the finale made me remember why i fell in love with it in the first place.

i have so much to say. since i stopped watching in season 6, i’ve kinda sorta kept up with it through the internet, so i kinda sorta know what’s going on, but not really. i knew a few plot devices, but not details. but i think that was okay for the finale. i didn’t really need to know the details because it was all about the connections between the characters, not really the plot. and the connections between the characters have always been constant. 

my biggest moments from this episode. oh my god. EVERYTHING with stefan and damon. the brotherly love. i am sobbing. when damon compelled stefan to leave, i fucking sobbed. like a baby. and then when stefan CAME BACK AND GAVE DAMON THE CURE. i am a snotty mess right now. 

stefan’s ending was so so so so emotional and bittersweet. he didn’t deserve what he got, but it was exactly like him from what i remember - he was kind, and selfless, and he would do anything for the people he loves. especially damon, and even elena, still, after all this time. it kills me. when he and katherine got eaten by the fire and damon just had to lay there, i sobbed. 

but then. LEXI. MY QUEEN LEXI LEXI LEXI GOD HOW IVE MISSED HER!!!! lexi and stefan were always one of my all time favorite relationships in the show. i think i loved their friendship better than every ship, and to see them reunited, so happy, made my heart soar. i always wanted them to be somewhere happy together in the end. stefan was always his best with lexi and i’m gonna cry just thinking about their relationship right now i love it so much. needless to say that was one of my favorite scenes in the episode.

another thing that had me crying - matt’s dad??? I have no idea who he is???? but the scene with him and vicki and matt i was sobbing???

i was also crying through all the steroline scenes even though i never really shipped them. i think a big part of it was that everyone in the show was crying and that made me cry more lol

and let’s not forget BONNIE. god. i love her. i missed her. her with all the bennett witches was amazing. it was such a beautiful scene. i still don’t understand how her and enzo happened, but i think they were sweet and i liked bonnie’s ending. i’m glad that she gets to travel and see the world. i’m so happy for her. and all of her scenes with elena were so cute, girlfriends who love each other so much just really kills me

when damon and caroline and everyone went to stefan’s grave. that killed me too. my tears were hardcore, snot was running down my face at that point. i couldn’t stop it. when they all left their reminders for stefan - the ring, the necklace, the keychain - god. like just stab me in the heart thanks. 

other little things i loved: matt is sheriff??? lol???? i knew that happened at some point, but i just find it so funny for some reason. ALSO LETS JUST SAY IM GODDAMN AMAZED MATT MADE IT OUT ALIVE BUT GOOD FOR HIM CONGRATS MATT

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SALVATORE BOARDING SCHOOL. god. idk how it became a thing or why, but i just started sobbing as soon as i saw the sign. i had no idea why they were making it into a boarding school but i put my hand over my heart and started crying harder. it was just an all around emotional roller coaster. 

AND THE FUCKING LETTER. FROM. KLAUS. OH MY GOD. “THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF ANOTHER STORY” PLEASE END MY LIFE IM STILL HOLDING OUT FOR KLAROLINE HARDCORE ALWAYS UNTIL THE END

and then of course the last scene, when everyone was reunited with their ghosts and the ghosts were watching over everyone. cry. cry cry cry. tears everywhere. 

(i also saw jeremy in the school at the end and i was like what cuz idk what happened to him or where he went but he was there??? and i was like oh hey jer nice to see you)

finally, the delena. i got the closure i needed. they lived a long and happy life together. they got married. and then elena was reunited with her family, and JENNA MY LOVE, and damon was reunited with stefan and then of course the brother stuff had me ugly sobbing all over again. 

idk if i talked about everything i wanted to or if i got out everything i was thinking while i was watching it, but you get the idea. it was just emotional from start to finish. and i really did think it was a great ending to the series. i wish it could’ve kept me invested all the way up until the very end, but the finale brought back all the nostalgia and the sentimentality and the feelings i used to get whenever i was watching the first three seasons. it hit me hard. it was closure, it was good, it was satisfying. i’m happy with the way this show finally ended. and even though i gave up on it, it will always have a special place in my heart - and so will the first four books of the series, what made me fall in love with it originally. this is one of the first shows i ever got super emotionally attached to, and this is one of the first shows where i experienced such powerful emotion like i felt tonight watching this finale. goodbye, vampire diaries. you had a good run. thank you. and i love you.

[eradikeats]

18 Questions About Music

I was tagged by @and-so-are-you​ who is my husband/soul mate/trash can friend. Follow him for art and soft-goth vibes x

1. Which bands/artist do you own the most albums by? this question goes two different ways for me because i own whole discographies of many artists/groups and, some of these artists will have longer careers than others so inevitably they will have more albums, you feel. reality is that i own literally everything Maynard James Keenan has recorded and released in an official capacity either with Tool, APC, or Puscifer - plus soundtracks he’s appeared on. The Beatles because i took all of my parents collection and ripped it to my laptop. i own A LOT of Bowie and Prince, all of Muse’s albums, every Joy Division/New Order, The Cure, Deftones, White Lies, IAMX, Elbow. generally, if i get heavy into a band i become a collector. 

2. What was the last song you listened to? The Human League - Seconds

3. What’s in your CD/Record player right now? i was listening to Cocteau Twins Heaven Or Las Vegas while i cooked dinner because you can kind of just yodel along without actually focusing on words

4. What was the last show you attended? white lies at music hall of williamsburg last month

5. What was the greatest show you’ve been to? oh jesus. there’s been a few tbh. elbow at reading 2011 was insane because i was back in the UK and a fucking rainbow erupted over the stage while they performed the birds and i totally lost it. a perfect circle at lollapalooza was the time i became someone Other. IAMX in London last year was emotional as shit cause i was coming down from a stomach flu, was with @simonjpg and @and-so-are-you and they played This Will Make You Love Again and wow. Muse’s War Child gig with fuckin DEAD STAR and the whole of the internet erupted asking me if i was ok which, no i certainly was not. i saw Stevie Wonder for free two summers ago which WOW. funny i’m naming legends but once i saw O’Brother open for Biffy Clyro and they blew me the fuck away. i’ve been a fan ever since and i’m so pleased they’re doing really well now.

 i’ve been blessed with some incredible gigs.

6. What was the worst show you’ve ever been to? yikes. ive never been to a show where the band i’ve paid to see are awful but ive suffered some horrible openers, let me tell you. the worst was when i went to see brian fallon and his opener, i literally do not remember who, was so terrible i got a headache halfway through the set and had to leave the entire gig because i was in agony. 

7. What is the most musically involved you have ever been? uh, in what capacity? well. i play violin and am a singer, i sight read better than i sight sing though. sight reading means im kind of okay at piano although my left hand prowess is non-existent, really. but i mean, if we’re being open and honest, i actually am employed in the music industry, so that’s pretty damn involved if you ask me lol.

8. What show are you looking forward to? SO MANY. ive got some huge festivals this year - Gov’s Ball, Glastonbury, and Lollapalooza (supposing i get tix to the latter). elbow in november, New Power Generation at the start of April. who knows what else will get announced - hoping for some official Franz Ferdinand dates (besides their gov’s ball set) or an APC tour. 

9. What is your favorite band shirt? i have this v-neck black shirt from when i saw The Cure last year. the only size they had was xxl and i got it just because im compelled to get shirts at every gig i attend. its honestly the most comfortable shirt i own and i use it as pajamas. 

10. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day? honestly, id love to spend a day with Dan Smith from Bastille. im not even like super, duper heavy into the band (i love them but not how i love many others) i just want to get some sandwiches and talk about movies with him. we’d have so much to discuss. probably would also love to hang with lorde and osmose some of her glamour. 

11. Who is one musician or group you wish would make a comeback? like...from the dead? bowie or prince, full stop. come back and make a new album, Fair To Midland. such a specific, identifiable sound - no one is filling their space now they’re gone. 

12. Who is one band/ artist you’ve never seen live but always wanted to? BOWIE AND PRINCE. im haunted by the time Prince came to NYC when i was in college and i was too fucking poor to see him. rammstein have decided to play an NYC date for the first time in fucking years and i just so happen to be at glastonbury when they’re here (i am bitter). TOOL is on this list but WILL BE REMOVED IN JUNE, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE. also, recently lady gaga but specifically during her fame monster years. she came round when i was in college and my housemates went - regret it because she seems like an amazing performer. 

13. Flawless albums? shit. wow. ok. ive got many. Radiohead - In Rainbows, Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes, Prince - Purple Rain, NIN - Year Zero, Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas, White Lies - Ritual (i swear to god, you have no fucking idea how far ahead of its time this album was- it’s six years old and it sounds like it was produced yesterday), Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go, elbow - the seldom seen kid, Ghinzu - Blow, and Echo & The Bunnymen - Ocean Rain - to name a few. i find when you listen to a lot of music, you wind up discovering how much art is really out there which is probably why my pretentious ass has a longer list than most idk

14. How many concerts have you been to, total? please don’t make me count. a very high number.

15. Who have you seen the most live? Muse

16. What is your favorite movie soundtrack? I have three really. The Fountain, A Single Man, and Pride & Prejudice. Also, not films but Braid, Bastion, and Transistor are some of the best video game soundtracks. I can’t really go a month without listening to them. 

17. What was your last musical ‘phase’ before you wisened up? i turned my ‘phase’ into a career, i think we’re shit outta luck on the ‘wisened up’ front. 

18. What is your ‘guilty pleasure’ that you hate to admit liking? i love the shit out of K-Pop. it’s been like a 7 year quiet thing in the back of my mind, but if you want to learn some SHINee/EXO/f(x) moves, i got you!

i forgot im supposed to tag people omg uh ok @zombeesknees because she is my queen and i want to know what she’s into; has @simonjpg done this yet? idk, do this if you want!