#even if i resented that he was here and not cordelia

[elviriel]

nobody asked but having seen the whole show, my least version of sp*ffy, BY FAR, is season 7. season 7 sp*ffy is unbearable to me in ways i can't unpack i just hate it, i hate it so much

[coraniaid]

Character asks:

Xander, 1 and 21.

1 Why do you like or dislike this character?

Going to focus on the why part and avoid coming to a firm conclusion about the implicit binary choice.

Season 5's The Replacement posits that there are two Xanders -- one suave and self-confident, one a bumbling walking punchline -- before revealing that both of these Xanders are equally real and exist as aspects of the true and singular Xander, with neither having primacy over the other. However, while there are indeed two diametrically opposed versions of Xander Harris, real fans of the show know that they don't exactly correspond to what the show suggests here. The true distinction is between, on the one hand, the Xander who grows up miserable and alone in an abusive household and is determined not to become his father and who loves and supports his friends unconditionally and is maybe/probably/definitely bi but doesn't seem to realize it yet and, on the other hand, the Xander who makes frequent gross sexual comments about all the women he knows and visibly and bitterly resents the ways they outshine him and who considers it his moral duty to give them terrible, patronising, unsolicitied advice about their personal lives whenever he can.

As in The Replacement, both versions of the character have equal claim to be the 'real' Xander. The much more irritating one is perhaps more present in the early seasons (especially when the writers genuinely seem to be trying to set him up in an actual love triangle with Buffy herself, but also throughout much of his 'romance' with Cordelia) but he never really goes away, even after the writers started trying to find new things to do with his character from The Zeppo onwards. He shows up in Season 5 to explain to Buffy how it's all her fault that her boyfriend metaphorically cheated on her while she was selfishly worrying about her sick mother and he's actually a really great guy Buffy never properly appreciated (he doesn't say "can I have sex with Riley too?" in this episode, but he might as well have done); he shows up in Season 6 to sulk about the fact that the woman he left at the altar dared to sleep with somebody who wasn't him and how much she "disgusts" him as a result; he shows up in Season 7 to help kick Buffy out of her own house.

But, equally, the sympathetic, loyal and, yes, even heroic Xander isn't just some post hoc fandom creation either. There are hints even earlier, but Season 3 and especially Season 4 really do make it clear that Xander's home life is horrific. He does risk his life to save Buffy's in Prophecy Girl, even when Angel wouldn't, even after Buffy had been clear she didn't reciprocate his feelings toward her. He does eventually admit to some of his worst behaviour (his jealousy about Angel, his betrayal of Cordelia). His treatment of Anya, while horrible, really does make sense as an attempt to do the right thing for somebody he cares about by somebody almost utterly consumed by self-loathing.

His speech to Buffy in the second half of The Freshman ("when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared [...] I always ask: what would Buffy do? You're my hero.") is, despite what he says immediately afterwards, genuinely touching. The way that, in The Replacement, even the cowardly incompetent side of Xander is willing to risk his life to protect Anya from what he thinks is a demon is honestly kind of sweet. His speech to Willow at the end of Season 6's Grave ("I'm not joking [...] I can't imagine the pain you're in [...] You're Willow [...] I love you") and to his speech to Dawn in Season 7's Potential ("You gave her your power [...] You're not special. You're extraordinary") both feel like genuinely well-earned moments in light of everything we've seen of Xander so far.

The fundamental tension inherent to Xander is that he doesn't smoothly and effortlessly develop from one version of the character to the other. It's not as simple as the grating Xander from the early seasons "getting better". Both sides of his character are present -- and either side can be dominant -- from the very beginning of the show and right until the end.

21 If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

Well, I am a fic writer and I have, technically, written for this character (he is the POV character for one fairly short chapter of Coexist.) I think he is a very hard character to write well (especially in the high school seasons) and I'm not at all sure I managed.

Honestly, I think well-written fanfic takes on Xander that actually treat him seriously as a character are incredibly rare. (Off the top of my head I can think of exactly one example. I'm sure there are others -- and I'm sure part of the issue is that I only really read a particular subset of Buffy fanfic -- but I doubt there are many others.)

I think a lot of fanfic writers really just don't like Xander at all (and so only write the horrible Xander, if that, and only so they can have the characters they like call him out on his worst behaviour), whereas other writers lean too heavily into the sympathetic Xander (and either have him explicitly realize and denounce his own poor behaviour early on or just write a meek and mild 'Xander' who just needs a hug and who has never even thought about saying anything inappropriate to any woman ever, which ... well, that's not the character that appears on screen, is it?).

I think the trick to writing Xander well, such as it is -- and the approach I tried to take myself -- is to try to treat him as sympathetically as possible without pretending he isn't often prone to jealousy and making mean-spirited comments, that he isn't a bit of a massive hypocrite at times and that he doesn't often say "funny" things that aren't when he shouldn't. That's harder than just playing up the angle that Xander's parents are awful and he's trying his best and suggesting he'd be much happier if he just followed Anya's advice to Buffy and found a "nice, boring, boyfriend", but I think if you don't try you're not writing a sympathetic version of Xander Harris so much as you're creating a whole new character.

Yes, Xander (mostly) is trying his best, and his parents (especially his father) are awful, but very often Xander's best is far from good enough. He will say awful things sometimes and he probably won't apologize for it, even if he does secretly feel ashamed by it. You have to try to write both versions of Xander -- both the one that makes sense as one of Buffy and Willow's best friends and the one who really doesn't seem to have anything in common with them at all -- if you're going to write the Xander.

That being said, the absolute worst thing you can do to Xander is give him magical powers or superhuman fighting skills so he can Help Buffy Patrol. That's not who he is! That's not true to either version of the character!

(... sorry, I lied. That's the second worst thing you can do to Xander. The actual worst thing is what the comics do with him and Dawn. No super-powered fantasy fanfic could be more horrible and ill-advised than that.)

[space-spring]

I reblogged that post the other day about never finishing video games and it made me stop and think hard about my life and the fact that. oh my god....... I really DO never finish video games........... So I have changed my ways by finishing up Chapter 4 and the ending of Chaos route for Tactics Ogre! Tons of endgame spoilers ahead but here are my bullet-pointed highlights:

My guy Azelstan the pirate! I love him. His whole arc with losing his daughter reminded me a little of Svarog and Hossabara from Triangle Strategy (albeit with substantially more nihilism!), and finding him at the port and then going through the story with the girl he takes under his wing made me die a little inside.

I do really appreciate the fact that even once he joins you he's still a little bit of a mess! I feel like a lot of the characters join Denam out of anger or honor or something else equally passionate, and meanwhile Azelstan's out here going "I've lost everything I love and this is just a decent way to try and make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else." He's simply a very sad old man and I love him a lot

This is not a highlight per se but it IS funny: I had to play the whole pirate cove dungeon where you recruit him like three or four times because I kept thinking I had the recruitment conditions fulfilled and then. did not in fact have the recruitment conditions fulfilled. I killed SO many ghosts. I got to the point where I just bought like 30 exorcism arcanas before going in so I could just have anyone regardless of cleric status blast the stilled undead whenever I needed to

AUGHKDHJSHDGHJJS. I am. SO unwell about the Sherri recruitment scene. I cannot express just how much I am unwell about the Sherri recruitment scene. All the Phoraena sisters really are so cool and good and I spontaneously combust whenever they come on screen but this scene is just AUUUUUGH........ It kills me thinking about how long Sherri's been hiding out because she doesn't think anyone will welcome her back and meanwhile her sisters just!!! love her so much!!!!!!!!!! and SHE loves THEM so much!!!!!! it just makes me go woaugh..........

I also just replayed some of the earlier chapters with Cerya and Cistina to test out the endgame rewind feature, and I take back my little chart I made of them a while back where they're arguing over clothes and things. All of the sisters are defined first and foremost by Being Willing To Sacrifice Everything For Each Other and I love them so much about it

And in addition to all the Phoraena sister dynamics, looking at this scene through the perspective of Denam ALSO having a sister who's keeping herself apart because she feels unloved is so. wowowowow

And on that note Denam and Catiua are rotating around in my head 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm really so in love with how far the writers went with their argument and fallout and also insane about the bad ending in this scenario because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!?!?!?!?! and also I'm just a sucker for guilt arcs and having to live with mistakes even when it'd be easier not to. Catiua's absolutely insane (affectionate) and I think it's so fun how she changes things around and really comes into her own after this.

Also I really really love that the two of them got to have such a narratively clear conversation about everything that went down!!!!! This is a complete tangent but I sometimes kind of go insane over the fact that in Triangle Strategy we really don't get to see a ton of Roland and Cordelia after they reunite and Whiteholm is retaken. They have. so many things to talk about, and Cordelia has more than a few valid reasons to feel resentment toward Roland for the way he handled retaking Whiteholm. The closest they come to really talking about how they feel is that scene where they're standing in the garden and Roland's trying to explain why he killed Avlora and Cordelia just kinda quietly goes, "I know. I get it. I can't blame you." And while that scene is fun in its own "this bad boy can fit SO many emotionally traumatized Cordelia headcanons in it" sort of way, it's also so so so nice to see Denam and Catiua do the opposite and actually sit down and hash it out for a bit. They get to talk about why they're angry!!! They both get to explain themselves and then reassure each other that they're still loved!!!! They get to be genuinely close again and work as a team!!!!! and I love that for them :)

Also with comparisons to Cordelia, Catiua very distinctly doesn't get sidelined after Denam rescues her!!!! She's an active participant in the war and really takes charge over Denam, which is very neat imo, and I love getting to see her coronation and speech at the end

THIS ATTACK SPECIFICALLY. The whole final boss was so cool but I actually gasped and sat back when I saw this, it was just so so different than any of the other graphics in the game and it made me go nuts

AAAAOAUGH GHAGHG

The credits are really pretty :)

RHCKCHHGLGLRLRLAHHJG I am once again foaming at the mouth about the way the game blends game mechanics and story this is SUCH a fun explanation for how the whole world tarot system works and also I am absolutely gutted by the idea of Denam doing this canonically because he can't stand the regret of the choices he's had to make. I feel like Denam's guilt over the entire conflict isn't explicitly mentioned a ton (he actively makes a lot of comments to the effect of "I'm doing what my honor dictates and I have nothing to be ashamed of") and then every once in a while the game comes back and slaps you with stuff like this. Like hey. hey. yasumi matsuno. can we talk? I jst wantto talkk

Also all the endgame content is SO GOOD. I'm starting to move over to Reborn because I want to experience all the voice acting and stuff over on that version, but it's also so hard to leave my team and all the cool stuff I've unlocked. I need to read up on it more but I'm 90% sure you can recruit Lancelot and Warren if you do the Palace of the Dead stuff which I avoided in Chapter 4, so I'm tempted to go back and do that on there sometime. Or mayhaps I'll just play it through on Reborn once I get through Lawful and Neutral!

But yeah!!! Overall, such a fun route and a fun game and a fun ending :) I do feel like I want to come back to Chaos route once I've finished the other two, because I miss Vyce and the role-playing part of my RPG-obsessed brain really wants him to survive the canon-ish ending because I think there's a ton of things from the beginning of the route that I'll think differently on now that I've finished (like all of the stuff building up to Vyce going nuts and Catiua leaving).

[butchhamlet]

what are your favourite things about king lear? also do you know any really good productions that i can watch online for free? asking because i didn’t really like king lear when i read it (except for edmund. i love edmund) and knowing why other people like it might let me look at it from a different angle. because i know it’s objectively a good play, and there’s a 50% chance of me having to study it next year so i want to like it

so i started writing a response to this ask and then paused to plot out my points (as if writing a goddamn essay) and then i looked at my points and i had written

fucked-up families

apocalypse vibes

women are hot

which. yeah, that's it, isn't it

anyway, to elaborate on that: i will admit that some of this is just personal preference, because i love stories about complicated nuclear-waste-toxic family dynamics, and lear is, like, one of the original Nuclear Waste Family Dynamic plays. (so is the oreisteia, incidentally.) what gets me specifically is that this is a play about power, yeah, but also about love: everybody in lear wants love, and nobody is getting enough of it. and the dynamics of the two families here get immediately more interesting if this isn't JUST a who-inherits-the-throne thing. edmund wants political sway, yeah, but maybe he also wants to be seen as more than a bastard. goneril kills her sister out of jealousy, yeah, but also, has she ever had a person care about her like edmund? (does he care about her? how much of the love triangle is about love vs lust vs calculation? these are questions that could be answered a thousand ways.)

i also read this play counter to old white guy traditional scholarship because i think lear (the guy) sucks. sorry. i think he sucks. i think he's terrifying and tyrannical and his daughters can do whatever they want (imo, his main problem is trying to apply his political power to his personal relationships, and that's not something caused by his senility. goneril and regan state at the end of 1.1 that, while he's going off the deep end a little more these days, "the best and soundest of his time hath been but rash." this guy has always sucked). speaking of goneril and regan, they're not evil hags--they're women trying to live with an unpredictable father, as well as trying to retain the little power they have in a male-dominated world. (notably, regan's husband is on her team, while goneril's isn't, and lear seems to have a lot of hatred for goneril specifically. which colors how both of them interact with power, edmund, and each other.)

i could actually talk about lear family dynamics forever (do cordelia's sisters love her, resent her, or both? how does edgar feel about edmund? how does edmund feel about edgar, for that matter? does he feel guilty at all for doing what he does? does edgar feel guilty about killing him? is the relationship between lear and gloucester entirely professional, or are they friends? can lear even have friends when he sees everything as some sort of zero-sum power love game? is kent gay for lear? <- yes) but i won't. because i have another point to make!

which is that it's somewhat comforting to me, in an era of [gestures at the news and broad state of the world], to read a play where people are like "holy fuck the world's going to shit and all the rules of society are inverted!" i read lear for the first time during pandemic quarantine, so. it felt fitting. your mileage may vary here (maybe you prefer escapism), but i think one could draw a lot of parallels between lear and [gestures out the window again]. this play is bleak in a way that few other shakespeare plays are bleak. (maybe timon of athens.) it's set in pre-christian britain, and the gods are invoked, but they're not really present. no one who appeals to higher powers ever seems to get any help or even comfort. and the original story of king leir didn't end Like That. shakespeare decided his play was going to end with the emotional equivalent of getting bricked in the face. cordelia's death doesn't mean anything at all! it didn't have to happen! edmund tried to stop it! she doesn't die in the original myth! and yet we're left with this horrifying apocalyptic last scene, where all the struggles for love and power come to almost nothing. maybe, if one is concerned about current events, this would make one feel worse. but i fucking love tragic catharsis and i feel bleak about the modern world so this horrible upsetting play is quite close to my heart <3

finally: i've already touched on Hot Women, but . i am a simple butch. i think goneril and regan are soooooo sexy. i love when women are mean and ruthless. i love when women kill with swords. i think conflating the two of them/treating them like two halves of the same Evil Daughter Character is a cardinal sin of shakespeare studies; you have to be reading with your eyes shut not to note stuff like regan's desire to outdo goneril, goneril's comparative lack of fulfilling relationships (re: lear fucking hates her and her husband sucks), or the differences in their dynamic with edmund (regan is still mourning cornwall at this point--does she love edmund at all, or is she just playing the political long game?). and cordelia, too, is more than just the Angelic Good Daughter; she's on stage much less frequently, but she shows a stubborn virtue that honestly borders on naivete and maybe an inclination toward martyrdom. how does she feel about her father? does she really forgive him? how does she feel about her sisters, for that matter? i'm not saying this play is, like, the most feminist shakespeare play ever written; i just really love the lear sisters.

other misc stuff: the themes are tasty! look at the authoritarianism! (is it right for one man to have this much power? see that line about the king being a wheel rolling down a hill destroying everything in his path as he destroys himself, or whatever). look at the gender dynamics! (goneril's dominance over albany and edmund in turn; the question of her womb; the mutual violence of regan and cornwall; cordelia leading an army.) look at the debate about fate and predestination! (#redditatheist edmund i love you). ++ the fact that it's set in some kind of nebulous unclear time period and the fool sings about merlin who wasn't even alive yet. i just think it's neat <3

as far as productions, i have a friend who swears by the bob jones university prod, though i haven't seen it in full (hi @lizardrosen :D). i also hav NTLive and RSC lears somewhere, i think, but shhhhh don't tell

i'd apologize for this ask being this long, but when my parents asked me to explain the plot of lear to them in 2020 i talked for 25 minutes so i guess we're all getting off lucky here

[summercreolefanfictioner]

Prince Reiji of the House Sakamaki (Game of Thrones AU)

(moodboard + plot headcanons)

Prince Reiji of the House Sakamaki. The Poison Maker. The Genius. The Second Son.

if Shuu's birth was Cordelia's source of loathing, Reiji's existence is an added salt to the injury

what's more, Reiji was born a genius

like he learned the language of Valyria and Dothraki at a young age, even mastered the basics of war

in fact, he and Shuu perfected the map of Westeros, which made Karlheinz discover a wide range of untouched territories

however, despite his solutions for the house's victory, Reiji was regarded as an intelligent menace while Shuu was praised for his sword fighting skills

ofc he didn't mind at first bcos Shuu kept inserting Reiji in the picture like "Reiji learned in a book how to make the perfect sword" or "Reiji lent me a poison that I can use on the sword"

but bcos Beatrix kept building Shuu up and neglecting Reiji, he became resentful of his older brother

Reiji's ultimate wish is to make Shuu acknowledge that he's more powerful than him, that he won against him

like he didn't really want the Iron Throne

he just wanted to win against Shuu

so he did everything in his power to climb the ladder

even married Lady Tiyana Appleton to take power in Vale

Beatrix never paid attention to his efforts though

heck she was so devasted when Shuu decided to join the Night's Watch

this resulted in him orchestrating her painful death (although for Reiji, it seemed like she still won in the end)

and so everything was at its usual phase

until the she-devil in the form of Cordelia approached him and asked for his help to kill Karlheinz

ofc Reiji agreed, not bcos he wanted to kill him, but bcos his death will make him ascend higher in the hierarchy despite being his bastard

during this time, Kanato came to him and bid him a farewell, something abt foreshadowing Reiji's impending death

at this time, Reiji wasted no time beginning his evil schemes

even used Shuu's former fling, Estelle, to make Tiyana mad with jealousy

and during her vulnerable moment, he pushed her to the Moon Door, smirking evilly as he caused her death

now, the land of Vale is under his full control, making him the king of his own world

sometimes he wanted to return to those days when he wasn't full of hatred

but for now, he enjoyed his glory

STORY MASTERLIST HERE

[jennycalendar]

hello!!!! things to pontificate about. angel. i would just love to hear your thoughts about angel. and the rest of the fanged four. and know that im waiting for that jennyangel fic i really am. but yes! specifically i would love to hear any thoughts you have on the dynamic of jenny/angel/darla. because i think thats just. yeah. darla created angel and angel is such a huge part of jenny's life, and just. yeah. plus the attitude darla has about her soul is so different from angel's

ok so first of all this is such a hilarious question because -- i need you to know this -- i have a jenny/spike/drusilla vamp polycule fic in the works. so just the energy of you asking me about jenny + how she'd interact with the couple in the fanged four that i am NOT currently drafting a vamp polycule fic for is SOOOO FUNNY and also so wonderful bc it gives me an opportunity to really think here! i love you for this.

long wordy answers under the cut!

my thoughts on angel. hmm. i think i am mean to him a lot on this blog but i hope everyone here knows it's out of love. i think i want to see him and jenny have a Gothic Romance that is really fucked up. i think he and cordelia rewired my brain at 14 and i've never recovered -- there's no other love story with that specific friends-to-lovers energy in the buffyverse, and i LOVE that it grows out of the people we see them grow into! i love that btvs s1 angel and cordelia are not even remotely compatible long-term but ats angel and cordelia develop this incredible friendship that blossoms into a loving connection! and actually maybe a lot of this is just how i'm not normal about angel and cordelia, ever. i think angel on btvs and angel on ats are two different characters so when i'm beating angel on btvs over the head with a stick that has nothing to do with angel on ats and i hope we all know that. world's most favorite manpire. mr. dad. sings barry manilow and wants cordelia to say she loves him as a friend and colleague. is soooo normal.

i don't spend A Lot of time thinking about the fanged four simply because, again, not my circus not my monkeys, but i have a softness for them!!! spike i have mentioned i sorta steer clear of lately, but i would literally fucking kill a man for drusilla, who is done so dirty in canon and fanon alike, and i think all the time about jenny/drusilla because they would be so insanely obsessed with each other as vampires.

and darla...hmm. i have never quite felt like i know how to capture her voice in a way that's particularly nuanced, though that's never been a problem within my writing bc she really only cameos in, like, nocturne for two seconds? i think? i'm not usually writing things set in a time/place where darla would be around so she just kinda never shows up.

iiiii think jenny's take on darla would be one of just intense crushy interest, because darla holds absolute power over the man who has held absolute power over her. like there's something super aspirational about darla to jenny. darla meanwhile would probably initially harbor a lot of resentment towards jenny, but actually getting to know her would probably have her do a complete 180. (i think darla n drusilla would both be super fucking interested in jenny, who grew up in this family surrounded by every reason to hate them and still tried to find a way to forge her own path. they'd want her in the family.)

i also think though that IF turned, IN a situation where darla's still around, jenny and darla would be in a really intense competition for control of the family dynamic that would slowly but surely transition into a really intense romantic connection. so there would be a lot of Romantic Weirdness when it comes to jenny/angel/darla because both of them want his attention, and both of them want each other's attention, and both of them think that they should be the one in charge, and the entire time they're probably both having a lot of fun with it because it's a Sexy Slightly Violent Power Struggle. also angelus likes pretending that he has the capacity to put jenny in her place and jenny likes crushing him under her heel and darla really will look at that situation and go "that is 100 percent my baby girl" (and i do mean that in a sex way.) though i wonder if in this situation drusilla and jenny might have some weird vibes a la jenny and buffy? where there's a lot of similarities and so drusilla has some Older Sister resentment, because SHE had it hard, and now mom and dad know how to parent better and the baby is just getting SPOILED, and how is THAT fair?

[thornfield13713]

Okay, in my headcanon, this scene goes down a bit differently. For one thing, this line doesn’t get said until Cordelia has removed her ridiculous helm with the griffin wings on it, and even then, it takes a moment for Anders to place her because the last time he saw Cordelia, she had waist-length sandy hair, completely different body language and a subtly different accent. And when he does, his reaction isn’t ‘hey, I know you from the Circle’. It’s ‘Cordy? What in the Maker’s name are you doing here?’

...some explanation of these two’s relationship may be required.

The thing is, Cordelia lived in Kinloch Hold from the ages of three to twenty. Anders, twelve years her senior, abducted at twelve and Harrowed at nineteen, was in the same dormitory as her for four years, and was actually pretty good with the younger apprentices. More than that, the two of them are both spirit healers, and I like the idea that Anders was briefly allowed to assist with specialised spirit healing lessons under Wynne’s supervision. It was Wynne’s idea - giving him a reason to want to stay in the Circle by appealing to his attachment to the students, and if he was supervised the whole time by a loyalist senior enchanter he couldn’t be too bad a corrupting influence on the young apprentices - and it did not go exactly according to plan. It certainly didn’t prevent his escape attempts, and was thus discontinued when Cordelia was fifteen, and Anders prevented from spending too much time with the apprentices thereafter. He and Cordelia managed to see each other occasionally after that, mostly through ‘chance meetings’ in the Circle library and their shared semi-custody of the tower mouser Mr Wiggums, whom Cordelia had named, but these grew less and less frequent as Cordelia grew older and more cynical. By the time of Anders’ sixth escape attempt, the one that ended in his year in solitary, they were barely speaking, and after it, Cordelia had stopped speaking to Anders at all, for fear that she could be tarred with the same brush, as she was quite aware that, as an elven apprentice Greagoir already disliked, she was very vulnerable to being made Tranquil and might well be if she was deemed to be picking up disruptive habits.

So, there it is. A once-friendly relationship, with Cordelia looking up to Anders almost as an elder brother or mentor figure, that got quickly soured by the paranoia and fear that dominated life in the Tower. Anders...isn’t inclined to judge Cordelia for it. Or at least, he tries not to, even if there is a bit of resentment there still. A lot of people made the same calculation when dealing with him, both in his own apprentice cohort and outside it, and those who didn’t...have not ended well. Just look at Karl, who got transferred to a Circle already infamous for its harshness even before Meredith got her hands on the reins. Cordelia, for her part, is ashamed of it, just as she is ashamed of her betrayal of Jowan, and is determined to do better in future. There’s a whole complicated thesis here about the compromises one makes to survive in the Circle, and Anders and Cordelia have very, very different takes on that.

...starting with this. The Hero of Ferelden’s word goes a long way, after all. And helping him now seems like only fair repayment for having turned on him before.

[devinwolfi]

ohhhh my god ok pls keep in mind that i watched angel one (1) time ????? years ago (more than 10, time is fake, etc) and immediately turned off the tv at the end like “wow what the fuck was that. anyway” so lots of this may be misremembered or made up so please accept this salt shaker 🧂 and let’s fucking goooo

so this happened in one of the later seasons iirc? 4 maybe? anyway cordy and angel either had a big dramatic breakup or he cheated on her, i can’t remember. but either way he fucked (drum roll) darla??? yes that darla, his sire who for sure died in buffy s1, but we don’t deal in continuity here, this is angel. so she’s??? back??? somehow??? and they fuck which ok whatever except!!! she gets pregananant! which again, theoretically not possible, but this is basically fanfiction so what the fuck.

so she’s knocked up with her vampire zombie spawn thing, and i can’t remember if she sticks around for a bit while the baby cooks and ups the angst factor with cordelia? or it might just be a magical uncle ben’s 2 minute baby situation. either way she dies in childbirth (like she dusts out and there’s just?? an infant???) so angel is left to raise this monstrosity alone. sad.

but then! the babby! is…kidnapped. to hell, for some reason? unclear. so angel has to go to hell to get his child back, except OH NO time dilation shenanigans, the baby is all grown up now even though he was just born last week! he’s a moody teenager and angel is a deadbeat dad, oops

so he brings this understandably angsty and resentful teenage boy (i wanna say connor? don’t quote me) home to his weird bunker thing with all his monster hunting friends, which like. good job, a+ parenting. and it’s rough and the kid hates him for abandoning him in hell (fair) and it’s all very the first half of a steve martin movie where the divorced dad tries to bond with the kid he doesn’t know, yk?

but then. THEN. cordelia decides this is her moment. her friend/ex/whatever is struggling! he is trying to bond with his child! cordy can help! by….fucking him. yeah, she fucks this traumatized 16yo monster baby who was literally born last week, because that’s a responsible adult choice. reliving her queen of sunnydale high glory days??? literally who knows

and if you think that’s the worst bit about this nightmare plotline, strap in! we’re not done! guess who else gets pragnet? that’s right babeyyy, cordelia is having *checks notes* angel’s grandchild????

who turns out to be, i shit you not, gina torres. fully grown gina torres who is also god, for some reason? and this whole thing starting with darla mysteriously coming back from the dead all the way to connor being raised in hell (where angel couldn’t influence him to be uhhhhh a normal well adjusted child ig??? didn’t seem to be a huge risk all things considered but what do i know) was part of the great ineffable plan to get cordy to give birth to gina torres in white robes and return god to the world

except she turns out evil (obv) bc she’s like some alien thing idk and they have to kill her. but yeah. that’s the most fucked up thing i remember from angel? also the only thing rly. pretty sure cordelia and angel get back together in the end? there might be another love triangle with spike, which like, can a guy catch a break? goddamn

what in the twilightriverdalesupernatualvampirediaries

the only part of this that makes any sense is gina torres is god bc that just feels right

but seriously every modern monster show wishes they were buffy(& co(angel(through gritted teeth))) no one will ever have what they had

also assuming xander has been brutually killed by this point which, i hope so, i wonder how he feels about cordy and angel bc his type in women is women who are into angel

[lanayru-the-water-god]

Faron (Dweller-centric)

Cordelia must tell the injured four-year-old Dweller about the cost of Lanayru’s healing powers.

(Lanayru is ~700 years old, 10 years after A Waterdrop’s Awakening)

Word count: 937

check the tags before reading!

“Hold still, Faronie,” Cordelia orders as she presses a cold, damp cloth to his forehead. Faron lies on the floor in agony, blood seeping from his many wounds. Cordelia had closed the door to the room, leaving the two alone so she could treat him.

“Ow…ow ow ow…” Faron hisses in pain, his cries tearing into Cordelia’s heart. She secures a bandage over the wound, before moving to another one by his left shoulder. “Oof, that hurts…it hurts a lot…”

“I know it does, but please let me do this, ok?” Cordelia keeps her voice soft, close to a whisper. “It will be over before you know it.”

Lanayru had created Faron four mortal years ago, giving him the name Brook. His spunky, reckless personality drew Cordelia away from him; she even grew to resent him. But now she can’t help but feel sorry for the poor man, weak and injured, in a situation he wouldn’t even be in had he been careful.

Faron Brook is never careful.

“Auuuggghhhh…” he moans, as she presses on his shoulder in an effort to stop the bleeding. He reaches out a hand, stained with his own blood, to touch it, but she gently grabs his wrist.

“What about hold still do you not get, Faron?” she scolds, loosening her grip for him to put his hand back down. “I’m trying to help you here.”

Am I being too harsh? I’m so mean to him…

Cordelia shuts the inner voice out, instead focusing on the task at hand. Bandage up this wound, and then…She moves her gaze to the rest of his battered body. Oh, sweet Lanayru…With this much blood, this much physical pain, the amount of lucidity he has is surprising. The color is gone from his cheeks now; she fears that if she doesn’t do this quickly he will become delirious. Or perhaps even worse.

“I…can’t—ah!—I can’t do this…anymore…” Faron mumbles, eyes closed and brows knitted in pain. “La…Lana—“ He attempts to raise his voice. “Lanayru—“

Cordelia gasps, slapping a hand over his mouth. “Faron, don’t.” Her heart skips a beat as her words come out angry and firm. “Please don’t call Mother. Don’t you dare.”

Slowly she lifts her hand away and returns to her work. Through his closed eyes he cannot see her beady stare, but she hopes he can understand from her voice.

“Why…why not?”

“Because Lanayru will fucking kill herself to save you, that’s why! She’s done it with the mortals, and there is no doubt if she sees your bloody beat-up ass she will use all her power.” Cordelia pauses, waiting for Faron’s reaction; she had never told him this before. It has been ten years since the Goddess’s last sacrifice, longer than Faron has been around. “Your wounds are not fatal, Faronie, and I cannot go that long without her again, I can’t—“

She falls silent, patching up the next wound with careful hands now tinged with the other Dweller’s blood. None of them had meant to tell him about Lanayru’s Healing Grace, this is the worst possible time, but she knows she had to. He needs to understand why he can’t call Lanayru to his side.

“And you never thought—ack—to tell me?” Faron chokes out. “I didn’t know Mother could…die.”

“It’s only temporary, Faronie. But she remains unconscious for over a mortal month. I will not let her do this to heal you.” Her eyes go wide at her own words. “Shit, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Just that, you’ll be fine, ok? You are not like the mortals she’s saved, you’re better off than they were.”

“But…it hurts…” Faron whines, “please…bring her in—“

“I will not. Lanayru must never know about this, until you are recovered enough to leave this room. I’m trying to protect her.”

Footsteps click against the floor of the hallway. Cordelia freezes.

Lanayru is here. Shit.

She puts a finger to Faron’s mouth, as he whimpers quietly. The footsteps approach and there is a soft knock on the door.

Don’t say a thing, she mouths to him.

“Faron, honey, are you okay in there?” Lanayru’s voice calls out. “We have dinner ready outside.”

She can’t come in here, she can’t fucking come in here. Okay, Cordelia, think-

“He’s, uh…he’s asleep,” she blurts out. “Hadn’t slept in a while, needed a long nap.”

A brief silence washes over the room, through the closed door.

“Oh, okay,” Lanayru replies. “I guess I shall let Faronie sleep, thanks for telling me.” The Goddess’s footsteps recede; she must not have felt the need to come in. Whew.

“Good lord,” Cordelia mumbles, pressing with the cloth. “Faron, you are such a pain. You would’ve gotten caught if I hadn’t saved your ass. And hers.”

The impatient Dweller finishes bandaging the current wound, moving on to one by Faron’s torso. Gosh, I still have a long way to go… The blood from lower abrasions has leaked onto the shiny tile floor.

“T-thanks…” he croaks, voice incredibly strained. “For, ah- for doing that.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice, you know.” She pauses, letting out a sigh. “And I’m sorry about the Lanayru thing. I hate that this has to be how you found out.”

“…’s okay,” Faron briefly glances at her with weary, bloodshot eyes, before closing them again with a groan.

“Just stay here, stay with me, and you’ll be better. You’re doing great, Faronie.”

She cleans the blood from his torso, slowly patching it up as he grunts in pain. Perhaps this will serve as a lesson for him to be more careful next time.

[rainingpouringetc]

liebestraum

a thomastair ficlet | read on ao3 | inspiration

Alastair didn’t know how Thomas talked him into dinner. Everything had happened rather quickly.

They’d just arrived at the Paris Institute when there was a knock on Alastair’s door. He’d expected one of the hovering heads of the place—he was so grateful Charles was still recovering in London—but instead, it opened to familiar hazel eyes.

“Mr. Lightwood.” Alastair tried to scowl, but his heart simply wasn’t in it.

The two had been traveling together for several days, and faking indifference was growing more and more difficult, especially as they both knew it was a lie. For his part, Thomas—kind, respectful Thomas—hadn’t pushed matters. He was keeping his distance, and Alastair, though he’d never say so, was eternally grateful. He didn’t think he possessed the willpower to hold Thomas at arm’s length much longer, no matter how often he told himself it was a horrible idea to engage himself in any sort of relationship with the man.

But this trip was necessary. Matthew and Cordelia were still gallivanting about Paris and it seemed everyone else was too wrapped up in the disappearance of Lucie Herondale to do anything about it.

Alastair knew that wasn’t true, of course—James had been sincerely disappointed that he could not accompany them, but he needed to stay behind and aid in the business with his sister. Still, he couldn’t deny the fact that he was the slightest bit resentful at the fact that this left him alone with Thomas Lightwood.

Not that there was anything wrong with Thomas. In fact, that was the worst thing about him, the whole reason Alastair resented their situation so much. He couldn’t find a single flaw besides the man’s refusal to wear a hat. If there had been anything else, a glaring warning sign or two like there had been with Charles, then Alastair could better reason with himself to stay away. Instead, he was resigned to reminding himself of Matthew’s words, something he never thought he’d find himself doing, but something necessary all the same. Cordelia assures me that you have a heart. Alastair could have scoffed at the words. It was obvious Matthew himself still did not believe this. Alastair was certain this feeling was not his alone and likely extended to the rest of Thomas’ friends. 

So, as Alastair stood there, staring down the man who had somehow managed to steal away into his affections without Alastair’s knowing, he reminded himself once again. This—him and Thomas—wasn’t possible, and it never would be. 

“Well,” Alastair said, aware of how tired he sounded, “what is it then?”

Thomas blushed and stammered for a moment—the act had no business being attractive, and yet somehow it was—before he managed, “We arrived too late for dinner, it seems, so I was wondering if you might care to get something. From—a restaurant, or, er… something like that.” Thomas rubbed at his neck.

Alastair bit back a smile. He really was hopelessly endearing, wasn’t he?

It isn’t possible. It won’t ever be. Alastair knew that. 

One night out couldn’t hurt.

---

He was completely and horribly wrong.

The night started with an impromptu walk along the Seine. Thomas did his best to engage Alastair in small talk as they walked, commenting on the chill weather and the dazzling lights, but Alastair could already feel himself falling. 

They found themselves at a small bistro not unlike the one they’d been to the previous year. There was a small corner table available, which they fit themselves into carefully. Alastair ordered for them both after Thomas sheepishly admitted his French hadn’t improved since their last adventure in the city. 

“English, Spanish, and Persian,” Alastair couldn’t help but laugh, “and yet you can’t seem to get a hold of French.”

Thomas laughed with him. Alastair’s heart clenched. He’d gotten used to the feeling by now.

They chatted idly as they waited for their food, Alastair feeling more and more like he was simply an observer, an outsider in his own body. He didn’t dare let himself give in too much to the conversation. He answered Thomas’ questions with cold politeness, aware that as he did so he reverted further and further into his old harshness. Thomas didn’t push, didn’t say anything he would not say to a stranger at a dinner party. It felt so odd. Alastair knew Thomas’ dips and curves, the freckles dusting his cheeks and the callouses on his hands and the way his eyelashes were light enough that they didn’t get credit for their length. Yet here he sat, deflecting questions as soon as they cut too deep, questions about his mother and Cordelia and if there was anything he could do to help. No, Alastair told him, his eyes drifting to a spot over Thomas’ shoulder, there’s nothing. 

Their food came, and they ate in silence. It wasn’t awful, the silence, it was just… unusual. In all the time they’d known each other, they had rarely had nothing to say to each other.

At the end of their meal, Alastair was struck with the sudden memory of Thomas’ tattoo. When they’d last been in Paris, Thomas had spoken of getting a tattoo, and Alastair, like the idiot he was, had allowed himself to trace the spot on his arm, to revel in the feel of his skin under his fingers even if only for a moment. In the Sanctuary, Alastair had traced it again, had grinned into Thomas’ mouth as he’d done so. Though only a handful of days earlier, it felt like a lifetime ago.

Alastair pushed the thought from his mind and raised a hand for the check. He paid quickly, thanking the waiter and avoiding Thomas’ gaze as they left.

They walked down the street side by side, and with the wind roaring in his ears, Alastair could almost let himself think things were different. He could almost pretend he and Thomas were something more than… whatever this was. Just because it could never be real didn’t mean Alastair couldn’t indulge himself every once in a while. Once they arrived back at the Institute, Alastair would slip away to his room and remain firmly detached from his feelings for the man. 

Thomas, it seemed, had other plans. About a block away from the Institute, he put a hand on Alastair’s arm to stop him and said, “When we get back, there’s something I wish to speak to you about.” He paused heavily. “Privately.”

Alastair stared up at him, keeping his face as impassive as possible. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Mr. Lightwood.”

Something flickered in Thomas’ eyes, and he snapped, “To hell with good ideas. I need to speak with you, Alastair, and you haven’t exactly given me the chance.”

“Yes, and there’s good reason for that, isn’t there?” Alastair retorted, tearing his arm from Thomas’ grip. 

“Please, Alastair,” Thomas whispered. His voice was so soft, so gentle, it nearly broke Alastair’s heart. “Just give me five minutes. Five minutes to talk to you and split my heart open for you and then you can do whatever you wish. You can ignore me for the rest of our lives if it pleases you. Just give me this.”

He sounded desperate enough that Alastair could only swallow and nod once, not trusting himself to speak. Thomas let out a breath and nodded once, twice, then started down the street again as though nothing had happened.

They arrived at the Institute to find the halls empty, everyone else already having gone to bed. Thomas led the way to his room, even going as far as politely holding the door open for Alastair.

Thomas cleared his throat as soon as the door was shut and locked behind him. Alastair turned to look at him, crossing his arms as he did so, and raised his eyebrows. 

Thomas let out a breath and began, looking vaguely sick as he spoke. “You told me that you didn��t want to make me choose between you and my friends, so you chose for me.”

Alastair rolled his eyes. “Yes, Lightwood, I was there. What is your point in all this?”

Undeterred, Thomas pushed forward as though Alastair hadn’t spoken. “You were wrong to choose for me. And you were more wrong to think it isn’t you I’d choose.” Alastair blinked, his composure slipping for a fraction of a second. “If my friends, as you said, aren’t willing to accept me—aren’t willing to accept you—then they are not and never have been a true friend, and therefore their opinion is of as little import to me as that of a passing stranger on the street.” He paused, his hazel eyes wide and vulnerable. “You chose for me because you did not wish to cause me any pain. You took the burden on for yourself, and while I’m grateful, I want you to know you needn’t have done it. I would’ve chosen you, if I’d gotten the chance.”

---

Thomas waited for Alastair to say something. Anything. He waited for him to acknowledge what Thomas had just said, whether to accept it or scorn it—but Alastair just stood there. It was as if he was waiting for Thomas to take it back.

Then he chuckled, a low, easy sound, and smiled softer than Thomas had ever seen. He spoke, and his voice was rough and thick from emotion. “Careful, Lightwood,” he said, his smirk tinged with sadness. “I just might take that as a love confession.”

Thomas cleared his throat, suddenly far more nervous than he’d been mere seconds ago, and took the slightest step forward. “Perhaps you should.”

Alastair’s eyes were open and dark as he looked up at Thomas through his lashes. Beautiful, as always. “Then I suppose I will,” was Alastair’s answer, and he closed the gap between them.

This, Thomas thought, Alastair’s lips soft on his like a promise, is what I’d choose every time.

---

Alastair woke slowly, his surroundings unfamiliar to his sleep-blurred eyes. He blinked a few times and the light-bathed room came into focus. More importantly, Thomas came into focus. 

They were laying beside each other beneath the covers—fully clothed, Alastair realized with a twinge of relief—and Thomas’ face was turned toward him in sleep. Memories spilled into Alastair’s mind like sweet honey. A whirlwind of emotion had surrounded them both—there had been, to Alastair’s memory, more than a few tears between the two of them. That’s what happened, he supposed, when a dam came toppling down: the flood it held back came rushing out.

The night reminded him vaguely of the Sanctuary—they really had to get away from Institutes, Alastair had thought—in that it was the talking, truly, that meant the most to him. They’d fallen asleep talking, their whispers evening into steady breaths sometime far past midnight. 

Thomas’ face was soft in sleep. It erased the trials of the year etched into the lines of his forehead and eyes. He was beautiful as ever, and Alastair was hit by the preemptive grief that accompanied leaving. For one of them would have to leave, wouldn’t they? Perhaps Thomas would even be upset that Alastair hadn’t yet—but no, Thomas didn’t seem like the type to be upset about this sort of thing. He wasn’t Charles, Alastair reminded himself with a smile. 

Still, they couldn’t risk being found out. Especially by the people Thomas held closest. And that was the catch, wasn’t it? It always would be.

Alastair reached out and cupped Thomas’ face, his pinky slotting behind his ear and his thumb resting at the corner of his eye. He was rewarded by Thomas leaning into the touch, waking slowly. “G’morning,” Thomas yawned. His eyes were still closed.

“Hello, love,” Alastair whispered.

Thomas smiled and opened his eyes a fraction. He let out a sigh. “Esfandiyār.” Something tugged in Alastair’s chest at the name. “A beautiful name for a beautiful man,” Thomas said quietly, closing his eyes again. 

Alastair swallowed heavily. Don’t, he wanted to say. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. He moved his hand to Thomas’ hair, threading the short strands through his fingers. “I’m sorry,” Alastair said, gazing at Thomas’ sleep-soft face.

Thomas opened his eyes. “Why?” he asked, furrowing his brow and stretching adorably.

Alastair gave him a sad smile. “Because this is a dream,” he whispered hoarsely, “and sooner or later we’ll have to wake up.” Thomas stared at him, puzzled, his hand raising to grasp Alastair’s wrist. Alastair’s fingers stilled, his hand resting behind Thomas’ head. “Don’t be sad, joon-am. It has been my favorite dream.”

“It doesn’t have to be over.” Worry coated his words. Before Thomas could tighten his grip, Alastair pulled away, swallowing hard as he rolled over, away from Thomas’ pleading eyes. The top few buttons of his shirt were undone; he buttoned them as quickly as he could, his shaking fingers stumbling from exhaustion or—or something else. Thomas was still talking. “Alastair, I meant what I said last night. All of it.” Alastair sighed through his nose, closing his eyes and touching his chin to his chest. His jacket had been discarded and was now hanging on a chair. Alastair opened his eyes and reached for it, shrugging it on numbly. 

“Alastair.” He felt pressure on his shoulder. Thomas’ grip was firm—he pulled Alastair back toward him, turning him so they were looking directly into each other’s eyes. There were only a few inches of space between their noses. “I’m serious,” Thomas whispered. “I choose you.” He leaned forward, pressing their lips together, and only moved away a fraction of an inch to say, “I love you, Alastair Carstairs, and I won’t let you walk away from me again.”

There was a time when Alastair might’ve brushed it off, sneered at him for being so vulnerable, said something to quash the hope shining in his eyes. 

Now, he found himself speechless. Thomas was looking at him with such intensity and—

And he wanted to believe him. Alastair wanted them to make it work. Because. Well. 

“I love you too, Tom.” There it was. The words came out without thought or resistance. “That’s why… that’s why I’m so scared you’ll regret this.”

“I will never regret us, Alastair.”

“I know you think that, but…” Alastair swallowed and touched his hand to Thomas’ cheek again. “Could you really give up your friends? Your family? You say they would mean nothing to you, but it would leave a hole that I could not fill. I could not bear to see you friendless for my sake.”

“And what makes you think I would be? Alastair—here, just—” Thomas twisted so he was sitting cross-legged atop the blankets. His shirt was unbuttoned down to his navel, and his hair was mussed from sleep. He took Alastair’s hands in his and rubbed his thumbs along the backs of his hands in broad, soothing motions. 

Alastair closed his eyes, filled with an emotion he couldn’t quite name. Even just being around Thomas had a calming effect on him, and being able to sit here and hold his hand… it was overwhelming in the best way. 

“Look at me.” Alastair looked at him. Thomas told him, “The only way this could ever work is if we both choose to make it work. It won’t just happen on its own—you know that, as do I. But, if you mean it when you say you love me—” his voice caught on the word, snagging on the incomprehensibility of their situation, of the fact that they’d said it aloud to each other “—then I implore you to listen to what I’m saying. We can choose to be together. It may not be easy, but—God, it’ll be worth it. It would be worth losing the world if it meant gaining you.”

Alastair couldn’t help but chuckle, hanging his head as tears finally escaped and race down his cheeks. It was all so much, so different than what he’d grown accustomed to. With Charles, it had been a year before he’d uttered those words—I love you—in some nondescript hotel in this very city, and then it had been slow and relaxed, void of the urgency dripping from Thomas’ words. This was better, though, wasn’t it? This time, he was being asked to let himself be loved instead of begging for the feeling to be reciprocated. It was quite a turnaround. Alastair much preferred being on this side of it, he decided.

But then—there needn’t be sides, after all. They could be in it together. That was all Thomas was asking, wasn’t it? For him to choose to fight—and Alastair was rather good at fighting—even when the odds were stacked against them and it seemed there was no way they could be together?

When he thought of it that way, well. Alastair wanted it to work.

And Thomas did, too.

So, really, the answer was clear. It had been there all along—Alastair had simply been too afraid to see it.

He picked up his head, opened his eyes, and looked at Thomas. Really looked at him. He looked at his freckles and lashes and the veins of brown and gold in his eyes and realized that, if he chose it, he could watch that face grow old. He could learn all its secrets and tells. He could do that, if only he said yes. 

It was obvious, then. 

“All right,” he croaked out. He nodded once, then again, and then he was nodding and laughing and leaning forward to kiss Thomas just because he could. Thomas was laughing too, and then they were kissing and Alastair was thinking, I could do this forever. I could sit here with him forever and I’d never get tired of it.

Perhaps this was all a dream. Perhaps he’d wake up and find none of it had been real. It would be worth it, he thought, just if it meant having these memories of happiness.

Perhaps it was a dream, but it was the loveliest dream of his life.

i hope you all enjoyed <3 this was purely indulgent, ik it would not be as easy but i can dream ok

tag list (lmk if u want to be added/removed): @littlx-songbxrd @thewarthatsavedmylife @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @itsdaughterofthemoon @stxr-thxif @lifewouldbebetteronmars i feel like i’m missing ppl ?? anyway let me know and i’ll make sure to tag you next time <3

[oveliagirlhaditright]

The Buffy book "Here be Monsters" was also really good. I'm not sure if this author did any other Buffy books than this one (I don't think I've read any other books by them yet if they did do more, anyway), but I hope that they did. They seemed to have a knack for it. I like the look into Buffy's psyche that we got here and the payoff from that. It was nicely done. Just an overall nice book, imo.

Then the book "Immortal"... I feel like I should like it more than I did. And I did like it, don't get me wrong. Like, the idea that a certain vampire's essence could go into to others who got turned every time she got staked, and really be immortal that way is definitely an interesting one (this girl made for a formidable villain, that's for sure). But IDK. I just really didn't like said villain. I feel like we almost spent too much time with her and I almost got annoyed with her because of that, but maybe that's just me.

And Joyce having a cancer scare before season five is definitely a great idea. I feel like that works well into canon. Buffy can be strong and everyone's rock in season five, because she's dealt with the idea of this before. (Edit: It also makes it seem like Joyce had cancer before season five and the doctors just didn't catch it back here, and should have, but didn't. Like, maybe they almost did catch it, but didn't. Alas.)

Buffy even resenting Angel for being immortal, and not believing that deaths mean the same thing to him anymore as they do to humans, was a nice bit of angst (and the fact that even though they made amends, they chose to leave the book on a sort of sad and more realistic tone was definitely a brave decision [Angel telling Buffy that if she died, he would die. But her not really believing him and saying that he might grieve and leave flowers at her grave for fifty years, but eventually he'd move on since he's immortal and that's kind of the nature of it: and Angel doesn't contradict her there, either because he knows Buffy won't believe him, or maybe because deep down he knows she's right. or a little of both), but I almost feel like this book was a little too much depression for me.

That, and the fact that this is after Xander's cheated on Cordelia so they're having their issues here, too.

It was almost too much angst with all of that, and the fact that the villains seemed unstoppable for most of the story.

But all that being said, I definitely did enjoy it (and I'm definitely not mentioning all the good things about it here, either) and thought there were some amazing premises here.

And it's definitely not my least favorite of the tie-in books thus far.

Oh, and seeing Angel almost being tempted to turn Buffy so he'd never lose her to death--before realizing that it wouldn't really be Buffy he was keeping, but a demon possessing her body--was also intriguing, because I always wondered if he ever thought about doing that. What he totally didn't think about, though, was that maybe Buffy could be cursed with her soul like he was. But real talk, I'm of course glad he gave up this thought.

[angelicmichael]

Imminient Annihilation sounds so dope - Chapter Ten

Michael Langdon X Reader

Summary: Reader and Michael continue to work through their issues and finally start to warm up to each other even further. 

Words: 5.9k+ …oops

Warnings: just normal IA warnings (swear words, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, enemies to lovers, slowburn, etc) anddd maybeee a bit of fluff 👁

A/N: hey guys! Sorry I haven’t updated this in a few months but hopefully this is satisfactory hehe. This chapter is kinda a turning point in the fic so I hope u guys like it!! Also I watched Jennifer’s Body as I finished this so.. do what u must w that information 😌 djdjd

Previous Chapter

Rain was never something you were accustomed too. Spending so much time in Los Angeles had made you partially spoiled when it came to the weather - which is why you knew immediately your day was going to be shit when you woke up to rain.

You tried to convince yourself that the emotions you were feeling weren’t complete disdain but rather just a pessimistic version of indifference.. or that’s what you hoped anyway.

You knew realistically that your day wasn’t already doomed before it even started; and that the rain was nothing more than a mere inconvenience.. However; you still felt justified in complaining, considering today was the day you were ripping the band-aide off and moving in to the apartment Michael had oh so graciously chosen to give you.

Your pessimistic mood surrounding the entire situation was inevitable, and that was something you didn’t even bother to resist or fight. It didn’t take long for your thoughts to quickly go south as you quickly packed. Hatred that seemingly came out of nowhere (but that you realistically knew was only temporarily dormant) wasted no time in blinding your judgement - making you feel a nearly nauseating amount of jealousy and anger for people who actually seemed to be fucking happy in their relationships and werent forced into.. whatever shitty living situation you knew you were bound to find yourself in.

An apartment with no strings attached was way too fucking simple, and you knew it was too good to be true. You knew you were basically walking into a trap, and for what reason were you doing that so willingly? Just so that maybe Michael could start to tolerate you? You resented yourself for even agreeing to this but you also understood you really had no other option.

However; personal feelings aside.. you still had a mission to accomplish. You still had to attempt to seduce Michael, and even though you were doing a shit job at that so far - you still had to try. You knew realistically it was only a matter of time before Cordelia would ask about the progress you've made, and you would have to tell her something.

You had to do this.

That's why you were (semi) blindly choosing to move in to a building you knew you absoluetly couldnt afford; and why you were sucking up your pride and choosing to become semi reliant on Michael.

No one from the coven knew, and for the time being you intended to keep it that way. After all, even though Mallory didnt exactly know that Michael gave you a whole ass fucking apartment - your sure she probably suspected that something important happened between you and Michael just from the short conversation you three harbored together. But for the time being, you didnt have to worry about that. You had bigger things that were on your mind.. like the actual apartment door itself that you currently stood in front of.

You held the keys limply in your hand, your bag slumped next to you as you procrastinated something as fucking simple as opening a door. How pathetic.

You continued to stall in the hallway regardless - thankful there was no one passing through to witness how ridiculous you looked. Your gaze fell south down to your keys which were cold in your hand. Dripping slowly with the subtle rainwater that managed to linger on them, along with the rest of your clothes.

Your skin stung from the cold that seemed stubborn to leave, and a nice change of clothes and a hot shower wouldnt be the absolute worst thing in the world..

Fuck.

You bit your lip in order to prevent letting the profanity from rolling off your tongue. Quickly getting a better grip on the keys (which only made you somehow colder) and numbly, hastily unlocking the door.

You pushed it open, letting the door hit the wall and taking a few steps inside before dropping your bag to the floor.. as well as your jaw.

No words could possibly convey how you felt as you noticed how the room was already illuminated with not only natural light from the already huge windows you could see.. but also with a warm, yellow artificial glow.

Was someone already here?

What the fuck?

The hatred and resentment you previously felt toward others earlier rapidly started to return - except this time it was targeted at one very specific person.

It didnt even register in your mind that the light could've been left on by accident or that people besides Michael actually existed that could be present in the room but.. you didnt care. Anger was the only emotion that was solely present in your body as you fully abandoned your bag by the door. Advancing forward; and only feeling more shock and disbelief with every step you took at the thought that he could very possibly be in (what was supposed to be) your space.

"Michael, I swear to God-"

"Y/n?” said a soft, feminine voice.

It was practically automatic how you froze. Just getting close enough to notice that it wasn’t Michael after all that was on your bed in your new studio apartment, but a woman sat on your bed instead.

For about two seconds, you were scared it was Madison but.. that was a stupid assumption within itself. The company you were with was from a far different nature than of which Madison was, even though at first glance the two woman might look or sound similar. There were so many qualities that distinguished Mallory from Madison. Brown, auburn hair.. dark eyeshadow.. and her classic black boots. It didn’t take long for your anger to fade away as you tried to not think about how logically this still didn’t make sense - walking closer to your bed anyway.

"How did you get in here? And since when did you ever break into peoples rooms?" You asked with a laugh.

Mallory echoed your laugh back, seemingly watching you and your behavior. As if she was expecting you to do something or to act a certain way.. like perhaps leave.

"I didnt break into your apartment but.. you should probably sit down." She spoke, before nodding off to her side. Nonverbally suggesting you to sit next to her.

You did as you were told. Noticing briefly before you sat down how nice the apartment actually was.. including the bed.

The walls, and most of everything in the apartment was a solid black. It looked sleek, and even though black paint made most rooms look small - the natural light helped keep things looking open which you appreciated. It was no surprise that the bed matched the dark theme too. The sheets were silky, black satin. You almost laughed at how comfortable the bed was once you sat next to Mallory, the entire situation was so ridiculous it nearly hurt for you to not laugh out loud. The two of you sat in the silence for a moment.. you were each incredibly anxious, that was more than apparent.

You looked up at Mallory, expecting her to speak first and explain herself since after all.. shes the one who broke into your apartment but she still remained quiet.. Stalling, you could only guess.

"So, why are you here? How did you even get in here? Is everything okay?" You asked, your words speedy and rushed.

Panic started to temporarily set in when you realized that something could be serisouly wrong with the coven, even though you knew how completly irrational it was to think that way with no evidence. What if witch hunters found them? What if someone preformed the seven wonders and it went wrong? What if the plan had suddenly changed with Michael?

Mallory seemed to pick on how anxious you suddenly were, putting a hand on your upper arm before making you meet her gaze. Her soft, hazel brown eyes immeadietly making your breathe slow. That was another reason you were so thankful for Mallory - the soothing, calming effect she seemed to have on everyone she met was something you never took for granted.. Espically now.

"Hey, nothing's wrong and nothing happened. I promise. I just wanted to see you and talk to you, and I figured we should catch up after Michael basically made me leave," Mallory explained.

You quickly nodded. Feeling guilt start to creep into your system once you remembered how Michael previously treated her.

"Yeah, youre right. I've been wanting to see you anyway and I'm sorry I didnt just call you last night or something.. and I know I cant control him but I'm still sorry for how Michael treated you. I shouldn't have brought you into that-"

"(Y/n), stop," Mallory said urgently. Shaking her head slightly in disagreement with your words. "Sure, Michael was acting like a dick but.. it's nothing I'm not exactly accustomed too. It was harmless," she ended her words with a smile. One that was meant to comfort you both at the epiphany her words brought.

You sat with her words for a moment. The realization suddenly hitting you like a truck-

"Wait.. what? Do you know Michael?"

Mallory fell completely silent. Looking at you almost in a.. guilty manner. Her gaze fell downwards before she looked up to meet yours once more, licking her lips anxiously before she uttered out a quiet reply.

"I wasnt going to tell you because I knew it would make you upset but.. Michael called me last night-"

"And you answered?" Your voice raised up a few octaves unwillingly. Threatening to break as you tried to process what you were hearing.

As much as you wanted to immeadietly jump to conclusions, you had to remind yourself that this was Mallory you were talking too. Your best friend, Mallory. You knew she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

You noticed Mallory was also starting to get tense. Her spine suddenly a bit too straight and her shoulders were rigid. It was nice to know you werent the only person in this situation who was feeling this way, although you would be lying if you were to say that you werent curious for why Mallory felt tense.

"At first, no but he kept calling so I figured it would cause no harm to see what he wanted so, I answered," Mallory said cautiously.

It was obvious she had more to say and as much as you wanted her to keep talking and fully explain herself - you were more than happy that you didnt have to cut her off again. It was too much. This was too much.

You pinched the bridge of your nose before loudly exhaling with a shallow growl. Not really caring that it probably was coming off like you were mad at Mallory when in reality, that wasn’t the case. Mallory wasn’t the problem; you were really just beyond fucking pissed at Michael.

But at this point.. that wasnt new news.

"I told him that we shouldnt be talking, but he insisted," Mallory continued with a shrug.

You tried to sit up straight again; trying to exhale some of the pure fucking anger that was currently coursing through your system. Your vision was spotted black when you opened your eyes - your gaze pointed upwards at the smooth, blank ceiling. Quickly wishing that you were anywhere else, or really anyone else at the moment.

What you wouldnt kill to swap bodies again.. but then again, who knows what the hell Michael was currently doing at the moment.. He couldnt be trusted.

That was more than obvious now.

You should've known that he would contact Mallory, but how he even got her number was beyond you.. Unless-

"How did he even get your number?" You asked. Your tone strikingly calm.

Mallory looked incredibly spooked when your head suddenly snapped over to look at her. As if she was worried you were angry at her still, and as much as you wanted to reassure her otherwise, you really didnt have the energy to do so anymore. Not at the moment anyway.

"You can't be mad when I tell you the answer, okay?" She said softly.

Your features immeadietly softened at her words. The rest of your body relaxed as well; your shoulders dropping and your jaw unclenching.

"Mallory, I could never be mad at you. You could never piss me off, i'm just.. frustrated at Michael. It's not at you, I swear," you said. Trying your best to make your words sound reassuring and genuine.

Mallorys reaction wasnt one that was verbal but immeadite nonetheless. Her arms suddenly shot out and wrapped themselves around you. Her body temporarily pressing into yours as your hands went to her back, before she quickly broke the hug.

"Promise?" Mallory prompted. Brown eyes looking diligently into yours.

"Yeah.. I promise. Just tell me what that idiot did,” you said halfheartedly.

"So.. I've had his number for a while. Not for too long but just since you two switched. But, we never really talked," Her voice stalled as she watched your reaction. Your mouth grew dry as you really tried to let it sink in that they've known eachother since- well for atleast a week. "But I knew immeadietly that it wasnt you.. that day. I'm sorry I lied, but Michael made me promise."

"Why didnt you just tell me?"

Mallory looked at you in a guilty manner. Her lips pursing shut as she looked solemnly at her shoes, avoiding eye contact. You knew exactly why she was being quiet - she didnt want to admit why she had lied but.. the answer was pretty obvious.

Even though Mallory was one of the strongest witches - almost stronger than Cordelia on some days, she still was scared of Michael and that was nothing worth holding a grudge over. After all he was still the antichrist, no matter how (mostly) harmless and idiotic he seemed to you now.

"Okay.. I guess that doesnt really matter," you admitted with a laugh. Figeting with your hands as you heard a shallow laugh omit also from Mallory, which made you smile. The shallow pit that resided in your stomach finally starting to let up. "But.. What did he call you about last night?"

Mallory hesitated again before giving you another subtle smile.

"It was mostly about you.. I know how you feel about him y/n, but its working. I promise you. Hes finally warming up to you. I just wish you could hear how he talks about you,” she spoke. Taking your hands into her soft, warm ones.

"I wish I believed that," You admitted.

"I wouldnt lie to you. Hes finally starting to warm up to you, plus it was obvious yesterday-"

"Yeah; It was obvious how strong he was coming onto you."

Mallory laughed again at your words. Shaking her head slightly in protest.

“Y/n you know that’s not true. The only reason why he was flirting with me was just to get to you.. I thought that was obvious.”

“It was obvious I just.. didn’t know that you knew that. I mean, Michael has Madison.. or he did so you think that would at least satisfy his flirting needs for a bit but.. Michael faking to be interested in you, that would mean he wanted a reaction out of me on purpose? Why would he-“

“You know why. You need to start cutting yourself slack and realize that maybee this rivalry is starting to be one sided.”

You pouted at her words at the realization that they actually held more truth in them than you were willing to admit. If Michael didn’t hate you anymore, if he was truly actually willing to be civil.. then why were you still so upset? Were you the one who was unintentionally causing problems now? Was it now you instead of Michael that was holding the relationship back?

How fucking stupid.

“I can’t trust him, Mallory. How can I when he and Madison literally tried to kill me. I can never forget that they did that to me.”

“I’m not asking you to forget what he did, y/n. I’m just saying that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start having an open mind around him, and see where it gets you.”

You were struck silent, knowing that Mallory was completely right. If you wanted to have any hope at all of making things right with Michael (even though you really didn’t do anything wrong..) you would have to try a different approach because obviously; what you were doing now wasn’t working. Being snarky, and vaguely threatening him every chance you got was fun of course but- it wasn’t working. Even though Mallory was probably the sweetest person you knew, the fact your own best friend had to (very politely) make a intervention was.. not a good sign. Although, you knew Mallory was doing this for your best interest because if she didn’t say anything, then Cordelia certainly would.

And sadly, Mallory was actually right.

If you wanted things with Michael to advance any further; or to advance at all you needed to step things up but, you could always worry about that after Mallory left.

“So what, are you guys besties now or something?” You sneered.

“Shut up!” Mallory said with a laugh, playfully pushing you over a bit. “He’s barely even my acquaintance. The only reason he’s being nice to me is just to get to you, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that’s the goal-“

“Do you think that’s the only reason?” You interrupted.

Your throat automatically tightened after you spoke, the threat of your words potentially being true coaxing you to silence. Your not sure why the thought of Michael using you made you upset.. it’s not as if you didn’t think he was doing it before but this time it was different. Perhaps it was because you finally thought Michael actually had some type of interest in you.. and to have that suddenly ripped away?

That would leave you beyond broken.. you knew that for certain.

Mallory looked at you solemnly, as if she was already resenting her words before she had to say them outloud.

“Look, I don’t exactly know Michaels intentions and I’m not going to pretend too.. I don’t really think anyone does at this point but I do know that regardless of your feelings, or even his feelings that.. you have to try.”

You let out a loud exhale.

“I mean you said it yourself.. Michaels so unpredictable, there’s no point in guessing how he feels so.. maybe I should just.. ask him?”

Realistically you didn’t know how good of a idea that was- but.. trying to remain realistic was something you gave up on days ago. Pretty much the same day you switched and that definitely wasn’t a coincidence by any means.

As soon as Mallorys mouth opened, you heard three loud knocks. Quick and rapid with no hesitation between them. The apartment nearly shook with the force of whoever happened to be at your door, and you certainly didn’t doubt that your neighbors heard the knocking as well.

Mallory looked at you in utter confusion, but stayed on the bed nonetheless with no sign of getting up. Naturally, you found yourself scooting closer to the end of the bed, knowing it was you who was going to have to get the door.. and that made you scared shitless. Not because you were necessarily scared to open the door but because you had a horribly bad feeling on who was on the other side.. There was only one person that you knew of that was aware of where you lived, and you knew it wasn’t matience or staff.

You knew standing up was the logical thing to do but you still stalled. Hands starting to painfully dig into the soft, expensive sheets that lie underneath you. You mouthed a silent, ‘what the fuck?’ to Mallory but your head snapped back at the door..

Three more knocks which were only louder and more persistent than the last.

“Coming!” You quickly called out.

It was pure anxiety that fueled your next actions. You quickly stood up from the bed, trying to walk hurriedly to the door as fast as you could and trying your damn best not to think.. Hoping Mallory also had a idea of who was at the door and also happened to get the fuck out of view.

You didn’t want a repeat of yesterday happening again today, and you knew you wouldn’t hesitate to slap Michael if he tried to flirt with her again. Even though, you knew you weren’t supposed to act like that anymore.. but why should you have manners if Michael refused them as well?

Opening the door swiftly and without a second thought; you stood breathless as you saw a familiar blonde standing in front of you.

You both stared at each other at first - each not daring to have the balls to say ‘hello’ or anything else for that matter.. You noticed how Michael first eyed you up, fully looking up and down your body (as well as peering behind you, hopefully not making eye contact with Mallory). You made a point to just look into Michaels eyes, refusing to do what he was doing.. whatever the fuck that truly was.

“How did you know I would be here?” You breathed.

“I knew it was just a matter of time before you’d come, but it also never hurt to charm the hotel staff a bit,” Michael responded swiftly without a second beat, almost as if he anticipated your words. His lips upturned slightly at the edges, in a way that nearly made your stomach sick.

“The hotel staff-?!”

“I have connections everywhere y/n, I thought you knew that,” he sneered.

He brushed past you as you continued to stand in shock. Your mouth slightly falling open as Michael took a few steps into your apartment - looking curiously around, almost as if he knew Mallory was here..

“I did.. I think that’s obvious,” you shot back hurriedly. “But thank you for the apartment again, Michael. I still feel weird taking it but it is nice I’ll admit,” you continued. Hoping to make him turn around to look back at you and hopefully not find Mallory.. Which worked. At least for a few seconds at least.

Michael made direct eye contact with you for a moment, almost as if he wanted to speak but was deliberately choosing not too. Instead he turned around, walking in deeper in the apartment.

Your mouth immediately dropped open - your feet carried yourself forward as you started to feel a bit numb with shock- not knowing even in the slightest how you were going to handle the situation if Mallory didn’t fucking move.

Sure enough..

“You always manage to linger.. don’t you?” Michael spoke.

It took only a couple steps for you to fully realize he wasn’t speaking to you. You only saw his backside as you approached them. Quickly meeting Mallorys gaze as you came into view.. Her brown eyes darker than ever as she peered up at you.

This time it is nearly impossible to distinguish whether she looked in agony from Michaels appearance or yours; since you apparently interrupted them. Her gaze quickly returned back to meet Michaels before you could think anything of it.

“I’m not here to see you, Michael.” Mallory announced. Her tone harsher than what you were expecting what apparent friends would use.. Were they even really friends?

Mallory suddenly stood up while Michael was still standing a few feet in front of her. Making eye contact with Michael for a split second before almost ducking around him before she stood in front of you.. leaving Michael speechless behind her. She quickly hugged you, her arms only embracing you for a split second before leaving. It was obvious she was in a hurry to leave now but.. you weren’t sure exactly why.

“I should get going, you and Michael have a lot to talk about,” she subtly smiled before turning to leave.. not letting you reply or have any sort of reaction to her words.

You stood solemnly as you heard Mallory’s footsteps gradually go farther away, before hearing the door open and close. You watched Michaels back as he refused to turn around.

“How was your nice chat with Mallory?”

“Why are you asking? Am I not allowed to see her or something?” You bit back. Your words possibly twice as venomous as his were.

Michael hastily turned around, looking at you with utter disbelief. His blue eyes looking into yours, as if he was suddenly surprised by your tone and how you were acting - as if his behavior didn’t proceeded yours.

“You need to relax,” he snapped. He approached you until he was right in front of you. “I wasn’t asking because I’m trying to control you, I know that’s what your thinking,” His words fell soft until they were nearly inaudible. “I just wanted to ask what she talked to you about.”

“About us?” You prompted.

“Well what else would she be talking to you about,” he snickered. His words spoken as more of a statement than a question. His laughter quickly dwindled off after he saw how rigid your frame suddenly looked. “Kidding. For the most part.. she said she was going to talk to you, and I figured I should actually speak to you this time rather than her.”

“Are you.. actually trying to trust me, Michael Langdon?” You teased. A smile, as well as laughter escaped from your lips at the mere thought.

Even though the thought was amusing on its own, you still didn’t completely trust him. Even now when he had Mallorys trust (for the most part), you still didn’t doubt that he had a ulterior motive.

Michael finally stepped back, hesitantly breaking eye contact before inaudibly beckoning you to follow him.

“I’m trying, just like how I told you I would,” He hauntingly reminded you.

You followed him silently to the long leather couch that sat by the overly expansive windows. Sitting down next to him in a way that felt almost too casual.. but being casual around Michael and not borderline fearing for your life was something you would have to adjust too.

You noticed how he instantly slipped his shoes off; drawing up his feet on the couch.. his arms and as well the rest of him contained. Away from you.

“So if your trying.. now,” you suggested uncertainly. “Then.. tell me why you came here to talk suddenly again? I mean why not just go through Mallory again like you’ve doing previously?”

“(Y/n), please. Take me seriously and just trust me for once,” His words came out quick and stern as he spoke them. “I was being serious yesterday, as well as all the other times when I told you I wanted to start.. putting effort in and trying.”

You stared at Michael utterly dumbfounded.. Feeling a bit hopeless that you actually felt almost.. touched by his words. That’s if he was actually being serious, anyway.

“What does trying mean to you?” You asked carefully. Your mind naturally went back to Madison.. were they even broken up yet? Was that even something that Michael was willing to do for you, and how was that something you could just ask? “What about-“

“Madison’s fine. She’s fine.. with everything,” he replied hesitantly.

You simply ignored the fact that he seemed to pick up what you were talking about almost immeadietly.. focusing on rather the latter part of the sentence.. that she was okay with everything?

“So she knows? That you’re here?”

“Yeah. She knows but that’s besides the point. Madison isn’t a part of the equation anymore, I don’t want to talk about her,” He spoke as if his words were final and not to be argued with, but his tone wasn’t angry. He was just done.. and you were too.

You wish that wasn’t the case though. Cutting Madison off didn’t sit right with you in the slightest, and it would definitely have to be something that would have to be mended later. That was a given.

Madison and Michaels relationship was far too close for them to suddenly split and remain like that forever - it was temporary, but so is everything really. That shouldn’t phase you but - it still managed too.

“Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ you started.

“It’s fine. I knew you would ask.. She’s the reason why I’m here actually,” His eyes broke contact and averted down to his hands. “I don’t mean that as in I’m not here to see you but, it was something she said that brought me here.” He continued, his voice almost growing soft now at just the mention of his ex girlfriend.. and now, you felt like you actually were starting to understand his point of view. Not fully but, it was clear that Michael was trying to be more open with you, and this time he wasn’t ‘fake’ drunk.

It took nearly everything in you to not immeadietly retort but just like the night where you were at the party; you tried to fully hear him out since this was apparently one of the few times he was being civil.

“So Madison gave you advice and you actually took it?” You said while laughing softly. Trying to lighten the mood since Michael seemed to be brooding.

Michael didn’t laugh back but instead his gaze flickered up to meet yours for a moment. The corners of his mouth upturning in a shallow smile that only lasted for a few seconds.

“I did because it made sense.” He said, his tone still remaining serious. You noticed how careful he was being with his words.. something that was typical for Michael to do but this time it seemed a bit too deliberate. You wanted to ask what exactly Madison even told him to do but.. that felt wrong. “It was also the right thing to do.. Being close to you is something I should’ve done a while ago, probably immeadietly-“

“But what’s in the past; stays in the past. And since your so adamant about being close to me.. we can always try now,” you cut in.

Michael continued to sit a good distance away from you; you thought it was ironic how he could talk about wanting to get close with you but wouldn’t dare to move any closer. That thought made your pride a little bit too happy.

Right before he could open his mouth to say something; his phone rang. The sound suddenly earsplitting and blaring but Michael didn’t bother to flinch. Instead he stood up and answered his phone.. making sure to nearly trek across the apartment before he said anything into the phone.

You stretched and casually examined him as he talked, you had a feeling who it was on the line..

After how tense things were with Mallory - you knew they probably weren’t going to be on friendly terms anytime soon.. especially in front of you. And judging by how.. oddly relaxed he seemed (yet timid when he caught your gaze and realized you were staring), it had to be one person.

You were about to sink back into the couch and try your best to not speculate what they were talking about, but before you could fully turn - you realized Michael was sauntering towards you.. clearly still on the phone.

Oh fuck.

Before you could ask what was wrong, the look he gave you alone ushered you to silence.

He quickly held the phone away from his ear. A quick glance at the screen confirmed that the call was still active.

“You said you forgive Madison.. right?” He spoke lowly. His words barely audible, more so mouthing the words than actually speaking them.

You looked at him with a expression you’re sure looked as if you were furious but you were really just completely confused. You wanted to ask but.. there was no time if she was on the phone, but knowing what you were about to get yourself into would also be nice to know.

His eyes had since lost the sharpness that had nearly cut you earlier, instead swarming with urgency and a bit of panic.. It had to be Madison. The only person that could ever have that effect on Michael was Madison.

You simply nodded in response. Not trusting yourself to speak quietly outloud but you also didn’t exactly trust your response because it wasn’t exactly truthful, but Michael seemed to be level headed.. for now.

Michael immeadietly turned and held the phone back up to his ear, this time staying in closer proximity and within ear shot. Putting on his shoes as he continued to hold the conversation he was having.

“Okay

...

So when are you coming?

...

Great, see you then. . . Bye.”

If you didn’t just hear the words that you thought you had heard.. you knew under normal circumstances your heart would’ve ached when you realized how Michael hesitated before he said goodbye, most likely catching himself before he said ‘I love you’. Instead though, you felt a gruesome wave of nausea suddenly rise through you.. urging you to shakily stand up and speak without thinking.

“She’s coming to see you?”

Michael barely gave you a second glance as he turned around and started to head for the front door of the apartment.

“Yes. You’ll be seeing her too, don’t worry.” He spoke before he quickly let the door shut behind him.

You continued to stand, utterly speechless.

Part of you wanted to run after him and the other part merely wanted to scream in anger that he had already made fucking plans but instead you felt numb. Numb and calm.

You returned to your bag and unpacked, trying your best to not let your emotions consume you like they previously had too many times.. until you finally broke down and called Mallory.

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @king-with-no-crovvn @melodylangdon @littledemondani @langdons-pinkyring @celestialrequiem @sojournmichael @mindlesschicca

Let me know if u would like to be added or removed to the taglist!!

[theshadowmalec]

So i’ve read The Land I Lost recently again and I never had the courage to do a review because it’s so good i’m scared that my words is not enough to describe how amazing magnus and alec are, and i’m not a writer... sooo..

(This is not a review probably more like a rant)

I want to start this by saying how much i love Alec Lightwood. How he inspires people, shadowhunters and downworlders alike. But that’s not all. Alec doesn’t just inspire people from his generation or anyone who knows him, he inspires people like me too.

Ever since The Mortal Instruments, Alec is already someone that caught my eye. He seems like an interesting character, the way he protects his siblings, as well as his “sour” personality. I am grateful to be one of the people who saw him develop from a shy boy to someone who’s confident enough to defend not just his siblings, but other people - as well as himself.

In the land i lost, it started with Alec and his life with Magnus and Max. My heart is so full of love and happiness reading about the three of them. How their relationship came this far. How their love for each other extended for one more person, for their kid. How Alec was so insecure before, thinking he would never get to be himself, love someone and have someone love him back. But look where he is. He deserves it.

I said it once that Alec ruined men for me. How he loved Magnus with everything he has and so much more. How, in the long life of Magnus, he never met someone who could love him as much as Alec does - to the point where his goal is to change the world for him. For Magnus. For the world to be a better place. To be kind to Magnus and everyone like him.

I love the details about how he wanted to learn a lot of language but his first PRIORITY is Indonesian because he wants to learn it for Magnus.

I love that we get to see the TMI gang again. How much they loved little blueberry. How Jace once put him inside a bag to sneak him out or how Isabelle and Lily seems to spoil the hell out of him.

The first few pages started out as comedic especially with the scenes with the vampires at dumort. I love Elliot. At the same time, my heart breaks immediately at the mention of Raphael. I know how much he meant to Lily, and how much Lily meant to him too. And how Alec noticed all of that and wanted to be someone there for Lily too. He’s always protected his siblings, everyone who needed protection. This is one of the things i love about him.

I clapped my hands so hard when Alec went to the Buenos Aires Institute and was told how women were said to be not suited to run one and he responded with having Jia and Clary as leaders and that anyone who says women are weak is afraid that they’re too strong. 👏🏼👏🏼 As well as that scene where he told them off about checking how they talk about Lily, or Magnus. This attitude makes me love him more. It makes Alec such a great character because HE IS.

He is one of the heroes in the dark war. He is the son of the inquisitor. He is Jace’s parabatai, and as stated in the book, he was protected in a way many others were not. That meant he had to use whatever he had, for those who do not have protection. I screamed. He is amazing. And Magnus’ putting a spell and magic for protection was heartwarming. This feels like a fanfic coming to life. My heart is so full, i love them so much i feel like i’m going to burst.

Alec often mentions how Magnus seems to humble himself with how he help other people. That, he doesn’t know the magnitude of the help he did and that he deserved the praise. The whole time he was saying that, i was like???? Alec is the same. He often brush off those achievements and calls it a day — calls it his responsibility, as is many shadowhunters are like him. This made me appreciate the scene with Juliette, with how Alec rescued her and now she’s here a Queen of the Market. I love how she was so hostile when she introduced her faerie child, as if she’s protecting and and defending her to those who will deem her not worthy of being a werewolf mother to a faerie child, then alec was just like “oh well i have a son who’s not like me too, here’s max” and it’s so pure and just SO alec.

I also love how they teased Alec about his looks. How he still feels like he’s not someone to appreciate.

Random mentions of Will still hits me. How Alec’s blue eyes are like will, but he wasn’t Will, any more than Jace was. No one of them could ever be Will.

What stands up to me most is Lily’s story. It breaks me. It made me cry. How she met Cordelia and most importantly, how she met Raphael. How Raphael is someone she never expected to love. How even in his death, she values and respects him enough to take care of everything he had when he was alive.

I also am happy with the way they introduced Rafael. How Alec felt connected to him. How he felt for him. How he wished kids like Rafael didn’t have to suffer the same fate. How the Law should be so much better for the children. I lost it when he mentioned wanting and loving teaching a child simple things, how he planned on doing that to his little brother when he gets older, but he had not grown up and never will be.

If there’s someone who understands Alec when it comes to his relationship with an immortal. It would be Jem, and i’m so happy with the conversation they get to have. How their love for Tessa and Magnus should be enough, and how they should trust them enough to live and laugh after they are gone.

I also love bits of pieces where his relationship with Clary progressed. How i remember that hatred he got when i first read city of bones and now here they are — getting tacos together. How he had come to love her, after resenting her so much at first.

How talking about Will, Jem’s parabatai, reminds him of Jace. How Alec had loved and felt responsible for his family. There had never been any choice, but with Jace it was different. Jace, his parabatai, the first person who’d ever chosen him. The first time Alec had decided to choose someone back, to take on another responsibility. The first choice, opening the door to all the others.

Alec Lightwood, leader of the alliance. I will never get tired of saying how proud i am of him. Those moments with Robert are so heartbreaking, considering i’ve read Lord of Shadows and knew what happened. I hated how Robert treated Alec. But Alec is kind, and everything good, he forgave his dad and Robert is trying, who are we to judge that? He doesn’t understand most things — but he TRIES. He loves his children that much. And it’s amazing how Alec stood up for Magnus. How he get shy but never ashamed, he spent his childhood resenting what he wanted, why should be do that now? He never have to be ashamed anymore. Not when it’s Magnus. Not when he’s worth everything he’s fighting for.

I love Robert bringing up him being the next inquisitor, how, when Alec heard, immediately thought of changing the laws for everyone. For Magnus, always for Magnus. Now for his kids too.

“You’re a good man, Alec,” he said at last. “You’re a better man than I am.”

Alec loved his father and would never be cruel to him. So he didn’t say: I had to be. Instead he reached out and pulled his father into an awkward hug, patting him on the shoulder before he stepped back.

Raphael being part of the Lightwood-Bane makes me happy. I was not kidding when i said i have no words and i feel like i don’t deserve to write something about them because it’s too good that it’s not gonna be enough. But here’s what i wanna say. I love the love Magnus and Alec have. Is it possible to love two person inlove so much? Because i do. After what they’ve been through, they deserved that. Alec deserved that. Magnus deserved that.

I will forever love Alec. I will forever remember how he loved one man so much he changed the world for him.

[shadowhuntering]

Matthew & Alastair comparison

I’ve been re-reading Chain of Gold in prep for Chain of Iron and I've noticed that Matthew and Alastair are a foil of each other.

I’ve also been re-reading Cast Long Shadows for investigative purposes and it furthers my realization.

Matthew and Alastair have been through similar issues, but are the opposite (if that makes sense) in some ways. eg. Alastair had to pick up after Elias who is a drunk; Matthew is also a drunk. How they responded to these issues tells you a lot about their nature.

This is my observations, purely for analytical purposes so if I sound particularly harsh towards a character, I do not mean to be.

1. Personalities are the opposite to the other.

Matthew’s personality is literally meant to "blind people" because he's sunny, outgoing and is meant to be the life of the party (or his mask).

Alastair on the other hand is literally "dark" he is broody, not very forth coming and can be very prickly

Ironically though, both have the façade of being conceited when they are the opposite. Though you could argue that Matthew’s alcoholism is a result of being selfish. However, he has little regard for himself which is the danger.

Definition of selfish: Concerned chiefly or excessively with oneself, and having little regard for others.

2. They share a similar notion of love not being real, or won't last. 

Alastair just having a very pessimistic view in general, but Matthew says it about himself. He has full faith that other people will have happiness, where he doesn’t see it happening for himself.

3. Alastair is unapologetically himself, whereas with Matthew he hasn’t been himself for a while, and even back before the events of Cast Long Shadows he was trying to fulfill what people needed at the time.

Matthew cares too much about the people around him to think about himself, but also tries not to care as he fulfills the bad reputation people have of him. He has a mask/façade(s) to help liven or distract, yet he also openly degrades himself. He keeps people at arms length so that they will not be disappointed by him, but also forms close bonds with people. He so badly wants someone to love him, but he doesn't want to help himself or be vulnerable to other people. He’s a walking contradiction.

Alastair does regret the things he did, but he doesn't think less of himself because of them. He did all those things to protect himself from hurt. Alastair also doesn’t care for his attitude. It’s not his problem if people don’t like it basically 😂 He clearly has people he cares about like Sona and Cordelia and prioritises them also. He is also actively trying to right his wrongs on not dwell on his past. He wants to move on with his life.

4. Matthew doesn't want to help himself, Alastair does want to help himself and become a better person.

Matthew openly degrades himself yet keeps his own secrets and thoughts of himself. He self-destructs as he feels he deserves it, even when people reach out and try to care for his well-being and that of others they also love (eg. Lucie’s confrontation). He doesn't see that he is hurting the people around him and also himself because of his attitude towards his own life really. He doesn’t have much of a quality for life. He is clearly depressed. He fails to let anyone in because he doesn’t want to help himself and also thinks too much about what people think of him when honestly the perception they have of him now is probably much lower now because 1. how he has chosen to deal with his mistake 2. how he has kept it to himself therefore making it look like the people who care about him would cast him out.

Alastair knows what he did wrong and is trying to improve himself for the betterment of himself. It was evident that at the time of Cordelia finding out about Charles, he wanted to break free, but once he got over being mad at Cordelia for snooping (rightfully so tbh) he understood that she loves him and would give him the support he needed; he had the inspiration from her to commit to moving forward and make amends for himself. Sure, he kept people at arms length in order to protect himself but inherently he does make himself vulnerable for other people. He still let in Charles, made himself vulnerable to love. Then with Thomas... he let Thomas see his guard down in Paris (and before that Thomas just saw right through him) and he ended up allowing Cordelia in, taking heed of her advice and love. He knew that Charles was hurting him and other people, so he stood up to him. He is much more open and vulnerable which is ironic really.

To me, the progression Alastair has already made makes me believe that the same will come for Matthew. However, the bottom line here is that Matthew self-destructs and doesn’t want to help himself whereas Alastair wants to be a better person and look after himself. Alastair has self-love which is what Matthew severely lacks.

5. Both had to grow up fast due to responsibilities of looking after their father...

Matthew arguably has "Mommy issues". This is not me making excuses for Matthew, or even criticizing Charlotte in any way, this is just my interpretation of Cast Long Shadows...

Matthew seems to have low self-esteem and love for himself due to abandonment issues it seems. He probably felt abandoned as a child by Charlotte. It's not that he was unsupportive of her or holds anything against her, but when you look at it objectively, his upbringing shaped his reaction to Alastair and to himself. She literally left him crying at 6 years old and told him to "look after your father" as she had to go off with Charles. Cast Long Shadows is a huge emphasis of how the feeling of abandonment from Charlotte, leading to how he instantly believed that Charlotte had an affair with Gideon and took drastic action. This I feel is because he never felt comfortable to openly discuss to her about himself really. He also didn't trust her...

I do not wish to insult Charlotte as her job is serious and I'm so proud of her, but unfortunately, due to it, it made an impact on who Matthew is now. He didn't trust, nor feel comfortable enough to sit down and talk to Charlotte because he never really got to know her properly or wanted to burden her. It probably also felt like she had favoritism over Charles, and Matthew didn't want to step on her toes. She also never noticed the little things he did like make her favourite scones and he just went feeling unloved or unappreciated (though he should have said something?). She would ask of him to be sensible, didn't really engage much in his humor which probably contributed to how he viewed himself as well as he already was so self-conscious and was vying for her attention. No offense to Henry but his immersion into his science probably left Matthew feeling abandoned as well as he was the one caring for him, then Christopher is the one who understands and engages. Matthew was his carer, effectively, making sure he ate, drank, slept and wheeled him about. He did love his father though, so he didn’t mind. Though Henry does praise him when he breaks the news about them expecting which just made Matthew feel more guilty of his accidental poisoning.

It’s like Matthew wants all of the attention, but he never voices what he wants aloud. This results with no one paying him much heed. In Cast Long Shadows there is also a comparison to James and Lucie’s relationship with Tessa and Will. James and Lucie have communication with their parents, along with known support and trust. Matthew does not seem to have this as he seems too afraid to voice it, not because he is scared of Charlotte and Henry, but because he is too considerate of them. I also find it Ironic that the next story in GotSM is Every Exquisite Thing where there is a huge emphasis of Anna and Cecily’s relationship with each other. Anna being too scared that Cecily would be critical and not understand her, but when Cecily comes to Anna at her worst, she completely understood Anna and supported her, making her feel better. To me this is another stark contrast to Matthew where his parents are too busy to build a good relationship with him, and when there is a heart to heart (Henry talking with Matthew) it is too late and doesn’t ease his mind. Anna also points out how no one would approach Matthew because “he did not do well under confinement”- it makes sense, he doesn’t like confrontation. 

(I can go into further detail about Cast Long Shadows with Matthew’s upbringing being detrimental to his view of himself)

Alastair however has "Daddy issues". Alastair has a similar case of looking after his father, but he came to resent his father because he never got himself better or was so drunk to even remember or acknowledge Alastair and his help or I suppose confront his problem. Alastair knows what it can do and simply does not want to re-live it, and as Cordelia is now friends with Matthew, he doesn't want Cordelia being hurt by Matthew either or having to pick up after him as he did for Elias. That is also where they butt heads. It is too coincidental that Matthew is also drinking to forget, and is not wanting to make himself be better and deal with it. Alastair is trying to protect Cordelia, but he is also allowing her to make decisions for herself.

In ChoG Alastair says he was 10 when he learnt to fill the brandy bottles with water to mask the levels that had been drunk. He was probably picking up his father and "looking after him" well before that. Alastair tried to protect Cordelia from this because he was being more considerate for her sake. He wanted her to have a childhood he was robbed of. He is also being a foil here of Charles. Charles was so self-involved that he never decided to even think about his younger brother, Matthew. Alastair was compassionate; Charles was not. Alastair is a good older brother; Charles was not and was even accusatory that Matthew being parabatai with James and being in London is what caused Charlotte to be ill... he just has so much resentment...

I also believe that Alastair wanted the burden off of his mother, and I'm wondering if he knows more about Sona and her feelings towards Elias being sour and terrified (This is I feel what is indicated in the teaser of when Elias appears where Sona seems to go pale) despite rushing to him and hugging him etc.

“Sona went white and laid a hand against the wall to steady herself. "Elias?"” 

Alastair was bitter and twisted and he never wanted people to know because he knew it was a weak spot for him. It is what sparked him telling Matthew the rumor in the first place. 

“ "I wish I could say the same for you," said Matthew. "Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself? Or are you simply too busy perpetrating acts of evil upon the innocent to bother about your unfortunate appearance?" “

...

“Instead Alastair said: "Who are you to play the moralist, talking about tricks and papas, considering the circumstances of your birth?" “

He ultimately had inherited his father's shame which was wrong. It's what Cordelia has told him as well. Alastair shouldn't have to think of the mess of Elias; it is his shame to deal with, not Alastair’s.

Though arguably, as a result of Alastair giving Cordelia an innocent childhood, it opened the doors for Cordelia to want to reach out for him, due to her optimism and love, and as he loves his sister dearly, he takes what she has to say to heart. They will now face things together as a support network and hopefully they also have communication with their mother. Although their family may be "broken" they arguably have more communication and togetherness than Matthew does with his family.

(Sorry, that bit was long)

6. Result of their nature after childhood being robbed

Matthew seems to act more of a "child" anyways, being more “frivolous”. He is being reckless, he is a little petty as well. Whereas Alastair decided to grow up too fast and is more mature and relatively grounded. It did harden him to begin with, but he doesn’t want to completely isolate himself. He’s just simply more rational. This I feel is in their nature though, not nurture. 

7. Matthew is slowly driving everyone away, this is kind of what Alastair tried to achieve

Alastair at the Academy decided that he would be the bully in order not to be the one being ridiculed, thinking that he would be better off and retain a hard skin, but all it did was make him regret and never allowed him to create good bonds with people. Then when he came back from the Academy, he distanced himself from Cordelia. I interpreted this as him dealing with his guilt and regret and tried to not get Cordelia too close to him because of it, but Cordelia cared about him too much. Though it could’ve just been that he got too used to having a hard skin, not letting anyone close. Throughout ChoG he builds his bond with Cordelia, and we also see James coming around to Alastair. Thomas as always was curious and saw his better side and Christopher was seemed ready to give him a second chance. Though due to Matthew’s spew at the end, there is distance between him and Thomas and others (save Jordelia).

Matthew is driving everyone away, simply because he is being so reckless. He had originally established good relationships with people. Then, when Lucie confronts him he literally avoids it, no matter how realistic she was being and how much he cared for her, but that was it; he cared too much for her to tell her. We see that even James will snap at him in COI

Teaser #41: "There is no point to it," said Matthew. "If you will never see reason or good sense—"

"Because you're a bastion of reason and good sense?" James snapped. He knew he had a temper, just like his father; his anger spilled past everything else, tasting of copper and fury. "Matthew, you are drunk. For all I know, you mean nothing you are saying."

"I mean all of it," Matthew protested. "In vino veritas—"

"Don't you quote Latin at me," said James. "Even if you were sober, you've never taken love seriously enough to lecture me. Your passions have been a series of dalliances and ill-conceived attachments. Look at me and tell me there is something you love more than that bottle in your hand."

Matthew also decides to move out and get his own place to force independence and probably drive even more of a wedge between himself and Charlotte. We also knows he has an argument with Charlotte; his apartment and car is undoubtedly a result of that, escaping the conflict and confrontation. 

Anna had wanted to talk to him (Every Exquisite Thing), Magnus also wanted to help him. Lucie has always wanted to help for the sake of James and James has always known something was off. They just know that he wouldn’t say anything, and I think most were in the hopes that he would eventually say something. We know that Cordelia is most likely the one he tells thankfully! It is ironic that it is Cordelia for both Alastair and Matthew as well. So it already looks like Chain of Iron will provide the break and repair of relationships for Matthew, similar to Alastair’s progression of self-love.

8. Matthew is very open about his sexuality. Alastair does try and keep it hidden, however it’s more complicated. This is a reflection of their concern of judgement.

Although Matthew keeps things to himself, he admittedly is not afraid of what people think of him as his expectations of himself are so low. However, he is also ruled by the expectations of others, all through his life people had low expectations of him (again, another thing that influenced his actions in general) and he feels to fulfill that obscure one in spite?? The reputation the he has, has always been obscured because in everyone's eyes it will and always has been Charles who will inherit and uphold the good reputation as Consul as they don’t see Matthew as smart or responsible. However, the latter there he doesn’t help prove them wrong...

Alastair keeps his sexuality secret, that is until Cordelia finds out and he eventually warms up to her. Plus he was dependent of Charles as well, but committed himself that he wouldn’t be the side-dish. He wants to love himself for himself, not be hidden as a secret.

There is also a "reputation" element of the family that he still wants to uphold. He is learning though that he has to put himself first and should make amends for his reputation and not have to be burdened by others. Though I would argue that Cordelia is the one who is more concerned about it, but now she knows the truth she is wavering. It’s more complex.

To conclude: 

I feel like their stories will either reflect the other, or will be intertwined somehow. As Alastair has dealt with a drunk and looks down upon alcoholism in general because of his experience makes me believe that Matthew might need Alastair's perspective to grow up. Once he understands Alastair I feel it may pave the way for forgiving and loving himself. 

Alastair was the "spark" of making him spiral, but he was well on his way of questioning his family's loyalty and love of him before that (hence why we were given so much background) and it played into his weakness. Matthew I think wants to take it out on Alastair (he says he didn't blame Alastair or the Faerie. Alastair is just easy to take his frustration out on) as he is not prepared to come to terms with himself or even his family for that matter for his grievance. He loves his family very much and that’s why he feels so guilty, but it's wrong for him to believe so easily and hide his guilt away and that has to be due to his upbringing...

tldr; Alastair and Matthew have stark comparisons to each other that it’s probable that they are detrimental to each other’s character arcs.

@sparkofsummer

[comradesummers]

Top 5 buffy characters and top 5 angel characters?

Hi, thanks for asking!

Pretty sure that I’ve answered some version of this before but I’m not going to pretend I’m even remotely consistent about these things, so here we are.

Buffy Characters:

5. Rupert Giles

Giles is one of those characters that frustrates me a lot. He’s part of an inherently exploitative system and I’m not sure that, until the final episode, he ever truly extricates himself from that system. The best parts of Giles are his rebellion against the council and the worst parts of him are his ideological ties to them. But that’s what makes him so interesting. Because the man who defies what he’s been taught and loves this group of misfit children like a father is always at odds with the ruthless utilitarian he thinks he has to be. It’s a fascinating series long conflict, and though it’s not always handled as well as I would like, it does always make for a wonderfully flawed but thoroughly lovable character.

4. Willow Rosenberg

Willow is a character I struggle with because she’s the one that reminds me the most of myself. Some of these similarities are rather superficial: we’re both Jewish lesbians that pride ouselves on our academic merits. But on a deeper level, I find Willow’s insecurity and her desperate need to appear strong and important and worthy at all costs to be so painfully relatable that I have a hard time engaging with her at all. I don’t need to explain how incredible her storyline is over seven seasons, how much she grows and changes and evolves, because you know all that already. There’s no denying she’s an incredible character. And the fact that she resonates so deeply with me to the point that she makes me uncomfortable is maybe the best demonstration of what a good character she is.

3. Faith Lehane

Faith was initially introduced as the dark mirror to Buffy (which is why I believe her to be fundamentally tied to BtVS in a way that she isn’t to AtS). But her great accomplishment throughout Buffy and Angel was her evolution into her own character, separate from Buffy. And that’s also Faith’s character arc. At first, she is only able to compare herself with Buffy. She’s angry and jealous of Buffy because she believes that Buffy has everything that she never had and rightfully deserves. And, in many ways, she’s right to be angry. Yet her choice to direct her anger and resentment towards Buffy, as opposed to the real culprits (the council for one, along with all of the adults in her life) is what leads her to destroy herself. It’s only after she’s able to recognize her own self-worth outside of Buffy that she can truly do good and be good and be with Buffy. It’s a remarkable journey to behold and I love her so much.

2. Tara Maclay

I liked Tara well enough before season 6, but season 6 was when I fell completely in love with her. She becomes the show’s anchor that season as the only responsible adult who’s making good decisions, even when those decisions are extremely painful for her, like breaking up with Willow. And in a season dedicated to every other character fucking up, she’s truly a breath of fresh air. But more than just her function as a contrast to the other characters, season 6 really emphasized for me how beautifully and subtly she had developed throughout the show. Her ability to stand up to Willow is such a stark contrast to the Tara who was unable to stand up to her father (not that I’m blaming her for not being able to confront her abuser, I’m just pointing out how the contrast between these scenes demonstrates amazing growth on Tara’s part). Tara initially has no sense of self-worth, but as she develops, she comes to understand her own value and refuses to allow anyone to diminish it. It’s a beautiful, lovely story, and I will forever be bitter that she didn’t get the happy ending she so richly deserved.

1. Buffy Summers

Buffy Summers is my favorite fictional character of all time, as is evident by pretty much every single post on this blog.

Angel Characters:

5. Winfred Burkle

I have some issues with Fred. This is mainly because Joss Whedon’s obsession with this particular type of nerdy and adorable female characters makes me uncomfortable. But Amy Acker is a great actress and I can’t help but find her charming regardless. I think the episode that really sold me on Fred was Fredless. Like, the idea that she can’t face her parents because she doesn’t want to admit to them or to herself what she’s gone through is really heartbreaking. It’s the first time I was able to see Fred as more of a character than a caricature and I realized that I really liked that character. Also, fuck the writers for killing off their only remaining female character just so that Wesley could manpain about it.

4. Lilah Morgan

Lilah is by far the best villain on the show. She was, with very few exceptions, one of the only bad guys who was actually fun to watch. I particularly love that the writers never felt the need to redeem her in order to make her sympathetic. And she is sympathetic. You feel for her a whole lot, probably because Stephanie Romanov is such a pro. But she’s still a terrible, evil person through and through and I love that for her. Why the writers thought it would be a good idea to kill her off is truly beyond me.

3. Lorne

Another character who deserved better (sensing a theme here). Lorne is such an interesting, layered character with a wonderfully bizarre backstory and an interesting way of seeing the world. Yet, despite how wonderful he is, he was always pushed to the background to further another character’s story. And that’s not even mentioning whatever the writers thought they were doing with him in season 5. Also, why couldn’t he have been openly queer? Anyway, RIP Andy Hallet, who was an absurdly talented man who managed to create this incredible character in spite of all the writers’ bullshit. 

2. Charles Gunn

Gunn was never just the muscle. The man ran a neighborhood watch/vampire hunting ring while he was still in his early 20′s (I assume? Do we actually know how old he is?). He’s a strategist and a leader in his community. He’s funny and charming and a good man and he deserved so much more love and care and development because he’s truly a fascinating character. But all the writers saw was a black guy who made quips and I am still so angry about it. Anyway, I love Gunn, he is, by far, the best man on the show and possibly in the entirety of the Buffyverse.

1. Cordelia Chase

Cordelia was pretty much the only reason I decided to watch Angel. She’s the best part of the whole show, her character growth is absolutely phenomenal, and I love how she grows as a person while still remaining wholly herself. I love her so much and I’ll forever be bitter about what the writers did to her and how terribly Whedon treated Charisma Carpenter.

[everything-laito]

Laito Sakamaki and His Relationships with the Sakamaki Family: an Anthology (more like biggo rant)

DaYUM; I’ve accidentally let these pile up in my ask box, so I will answer all of these in one post… Prepare for a huuuuge rant under the cut! Also thank you so much @hotline-to-hell​, you’re so lovely and supportive as usual, and thanks sm for contributing, same goes for you, anons!! Let’s break this up into parts tho… and start with the biggest one yet: Laito and Ayato’s relationship. 

I swear this is like an anthology,,,,, biggo rant under the cut!

Laito’s relationships with Ayato

I regularly call Ayato and Laito “double trouble.” This is because they’re usually found as a pair when some ultra-harassing is being planned. Despite Ayato sometimes visibly being uncomfortable as a result of Laito’s antics, he’s the one that gets along with him the most. The reason why Ayato has resentment for Laito seems to be that Laito wouldn’t help Ayato when they were kids; and Laito would be a bystander. Ayato was also a bystander in the Laito situation too. A very heartfelt moment occurs at the end of Ayato and Laito’s VS CD: [9/28/21: UPDATED TRANSLATION; THIS ONE’S MORE CORRECT]

Laito: You see, I often thought about why I was the person I was. Or why I couldn’t be like you or Kanato-kun instead? That’s why I hate you…I loathe how you feign ignorance when you actually know exactly what’s going on. And above all…I’m envious of how you can be so honest and upright about everything. …I know I can never be like that. I’ve been ruined by that woman. I’m not hiding my feelings either. They’ve simply been erased from within me. …Haha. Ayato: I hate you too. You’re never honest…I mean, if only you had asked for my help at some point, I would haveーーI knew you were putting up a tough facade the whole time. …However, as much as I admired you for your strength, it also pissed me off at the same time. I couldn’t forgive you.

(First of all this confirms that Laito didn’t like what Cordelia did to him; it was forced emotion on this end, thus creating a facade. I think I went over this in my Hilde analysis a little bit through the context of Hilde’s situation). Laito feels like he is permanently soiled and cannot move past this situation, and that’s terrible. However I should do a separate analysis on this drama CD. (I was going to put this in another analysis I think but then took it out last minute) 

Second of all, I believe that what Ayato means by that Laito’s “not honest” is that he knows Laito has a facade [with updated translation: this is confirmed]. Aka having a facade does not make you honest. I mean, he’s known Laito throughout his whole life; and Ayato is decently observant. He also obviously hangs around with Laito more often than his other brothers, (and vise versa) so it makes sense that Ayato would know something was up. He just has a vendetta against Laito because Laito would avoid conflict [UPDATED:] and the fact that Laito didn’t come to him. 

----------------UPDATED ANALYSIS 9/28/21----------------

The fact that Ayato sees Laito being strong is,,,,, so sweet and very accurate. Laito is defnitely strong and Ayato being like “if only you’d ask for my help”––GOD THIS BREAKS MY HEART AAAAA but Laito wasn’t honest with Ayato especially when they were kids because Laito probably didn’t know how to vocalize what was happening between him and Cordelia. And on top of that, there was no emotional stability in the triplet’s lives, so Laito felt like he needed to take it upon himself in order to to try his best to protect Ayato and Kanato. Obviously, this made Ayato feel bad because he wanted Laito to come to him too, and be there for Laito like how Laito was there for him. Sure Laito couldn’t do much when they were children, but he tried his best with what he was able to do. Ayato can’t forgive Laito for doing this to himself and pushing all his emotions down just so he could be there for Ayato and Kanato. It makes sense why Ayato was pissed off by this, yet grateful at the same time.

And Laito being absolutely self aware with his own lack of honesty just,,,, gives me the feels. But Laito calling out Ayato for feigning ignorance also makes sense too. Ayato knew about the whole Cordelia thing with Laito, and yet never reached out with that. I mean, I’m not sure what Ayato could have done at that point since it happened when they were older (at least the first time Cordelia sexually abused him––I know things happened when Laito was a child but I think he was more groomed as a kid in my opinion and from my deductions) and Ayato and Laito were drifting at this point.

Ok now that’s my updated part of this analysis, this was a pretty old one and I just had new thoughts and found a better translation.

---------------------------UPDATE END-------------------

Remember the whole thing I said in Laito and Shin’s VERSUS CD analysis was that Laito hates conflict and runs from his problems. It’s probably a defense mechanism of his but it’s honestly done more harm than solve it. This caused Ayato to kind of be stronger for himself, since he couldn’t get that strength from Laito. So that’s really sad, and answers the question whether or not any of his brothers know about his mask. But I believe it might just be Ayato, and I will get to that in a minute. It also answers Laito and Ayato’s love/hate relationship. 

I think that Ayato is more scared of Laito in the sense that he’s concerned about what’s he’s become. Like Ayato is always down to clown with Laito, and then Laito says some really weird shit sometimes that makes Ayato be like “oh god why”. I know I mentioned this but it is something to emphasize. I do think that Ayato knows that Laito is calculating, cunning, and manipulative as all hell. I don’t think he’s scared of him, or else why would he choose to hang out with Laito? Laito has nothing to gain by forcing Ayato to clown with him.  Ayato usually doesn’t let Laito mess around with him if Ayato’s already got it going with another person; in this case, Yui. Their interactions within Vandead Carnival and Lunatic Parade is more like “omg Laito don’t embarrass me in front of Yui” (which,,, Laito does, and tells Yui that he’s so superstitious that he sleeps with a belly warmer lol just so Ayato can exchange something embarrassing too). I’d say they have the most “brotherly” relationship out of all the Sakamakis (rivals Subaru’s and Shuu’s relationship but that’s really an unspoken one).

Despite them being closer than the rest, that doesn’t mean they’re the closest pair. Laito still feels the need to prove himself that he doesn’t have his emotional problems in front of Ayato still, which is also probably why it drives Ayato away. Ayato can’t comfort Laito usually considering his facade builds a wall. And it’s hard to get to someone’s heart when it’s reinforced with steel, basically. So yes, he still wears his facade around Ayato; considering it only seems that they hang out when they’re horny and want some fun lol. I haven’t seen another instance where they do, or at least that’s the most common one. 

Laito’s relationship with Kanato

I finished Kanato’s HDB route a while back, and I just gotta say,,,, man,,,,, wow,,,,, that was quite the doozy. As for him and Laito? It’s quite hard to tell, but, Laito is still there for Kanato. Sure Laito’s there when Ayato harasses him and calls him “hysteric” but Laito never insults him. There’s even a point where Laito plays a “big brother” role and gives Kanato advice: 

Laito: Fufu~ Kanato-kun, shall I give you a little warning? Kanato: I don’t need such a thing. Laito: Don’t say that and just listen~ …If you take your sweet time, she’ll get snatched away from underneath your eyes, you know? Kanato: …

Sure it’s kinda…. morbid advice, but it is advice that helps Kanato regardless. And Kanato takes it! He listened to Laito! It’s obvious that Kanato is really annoyed by Laito (which gives me a reason why he doesn’t know about Laito’s situation with Cordelia on top of Laito’s facade) and doesn’t want anything to do with him (or Ayato, for that matter). I believe he says at one point in his route how he was isolated from the other siblings, mainly due to Cordelia. However, since Kanato listened to Laito despite him saying “I don’t need such a thing” kinda implies some kind of respect for Laito. He might know that Laito is calculating and smart in that manner. But do I think that he caught on to Laito wearing a facade all the time? Nah, he cares about himself too much and also just does his own stuff most of the time. 

This quote I’m adding also happens in Kanato’s route; it doesn’t add much but I did laugh a little reading this: 

Ayato: Does she like Kanato that much? That’s impossible. She’s heading down a path of despair for sure. Laito: Fufu…That’s something you could say about any one of us though~ Ayato: …Che.

It’s just a well crafted meta joke from Laito; he says it in such a cheerful way but man, that’s sad.

That’s about it for Laito and Kanato; I don’t think Laito says much about Kanato and vise versa. They really stay out of each others’ business, mainly because Kanato isolates himself out of spite, really. 

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Before I move onto the other ones, just a little shoutout to my inspiration for this blog: @/akai-anemone 

I read her analyses on Laito about five years ago, and unfortunately, she has stopped. But, she has some really good stuff and I definitely recommend checking it out. Here’s some big bro Laito moments she’s brought up too: 

https://akai-anemone.tumblr.com/post/68549708275/heres-one-of-my-favorite-big-bro-laito-moments

https://akai-anemone.tumblr.com/post/68539626117/on-the-subject-of-the-relationship-between-the

https://akai-anemone.tumblr.com/post/65005954447/narihira-ayato-tells-laito-that-hes-building-a 

https://akai-anemone.tumblr.com/post/64621970821/big-bro-laito 

Please check her out!! She’s so lovely and although she’s not active anymore, I want to pay tribute to her too. I really hope I can be a good successor of her’s for the DL/Laito community. 

------------------------------INTERMISSION END---------------------------------

Laito’s relationship with Subaru

Honestly probably one of my favorite Sakamaki brother dynamics aside from Ayato and Laito. If you haven’t heard of the Laito vs Subaru, here it is for your listening pleasure (LINK). It’s probably one of my favorite fanservicey CDs, because Laito really just is getting the most out of the situation. 

Laito and Subaru are quite the dynamic duo. Subaru doesn’t have an affinity for Laito and man, it shows. He’s always telling Laito to shut up, and similarly to his other brothers, he’s always like “wtf” when Laito says something wack. Laito’s absolutely entertained by this though, and since he’s older than Subaru, he definitely uses it to his advantage to mess with him. Since Subaru’s your “tsundere” part of the group (more than Ayato), and easily read more than Ayato is, Laito has so much fun teasing him and calling him out in front of Yui. Here’s one of my favorite interactions from the CD:

L: Ehe~.. I’ll be taking those words as a compliment. Your jealousy is really a pleasant thing to me, ahaha. S: Ah?! JEALOUSY?! L: Oh? Aren’t you jealous? Extremely? Ufu, the reason Subaru-kun is so annoyed is that.. S: Fuck that! There’s no way it’s that! Don’t make me laugh!! It’s not like I… to this girl… L: Mm, tsk tsk tsk. Subaru-kun isn’t very honest, is he. What I said is the truth. You’re– S: SHUT UP! *breaks something* L: Woah! Geez… when I hit the nail on the head every time I’d like it if you didn’t break the things around us. Look, bitch-chan is also scared, isn’t she? Am I right? 

Laito, the perceptive motherfucker (,,,,dark joke im sorry), is back at it again, but terrorizing Subaru (and indirectly terrorizing the infrastructure of the house lol). I think it’s another brotherly moment of him to kind of make Subaru realize his feelings too. I don’t know too much about Subaru (although his MB route made me cry lol) but I do know that he’s just a fiercely independent guy that also kinda self isolated himself similarly to Kanato; but doesn’t nearly have as much built up hatred to his siblings. 

 Here’s some more Laito messing with Subaru quotes from that CD. Mainly because I find it so entertaining. 

L: Uwa.. Subaru-kun is scary~ dragging along a senseless girl by her hair. S: SHUT UP PERVERT!.. Right now as you wish.. I’ll make this girl crumble… everything is working out like you desired, right? L: Ufu, really? I did it! In that case, why don’t I stay here and watch your excellent ideas slowly and carefully?

Laito: Fufufu~ You just don’t understand the depths of love yet, Subaru-kun~ Laito: …Well then, Bitch-chan…Doesn’t seem like anyone will come and save us any time soon, so let’s have lots and lots more fun, okay? Haahn…Mm… Subaru: The fuck’s the ‘depths of love’!? I don’t care if I don’t understand that crap. I’ll love you…in my own way. So brace yourself, okay? …Mmh!

That’s so damn rich coming from Laito. This is just Laito’s version of a “haha virgin” joke (which I don’t think Subaru is lol). However, it seems that Laito considers Subaru “pure,” similar in Ayato’s fashion. Maybe this statement is a little jealous quip at that. Who knows!

Laito’s relationship with Reiji

Laito and Reiji…. Man, this is an entertaining relationship. They’re seemingly opposites: agent of chaos and agent of order. (However, Subaru is more physically chaotic lol). Although Laito does kind of fill the “big bro” position for most of his brothers, Reiji is definitely more of a “parental” figure. Laito knows how to get under Reiji’s skin and just does it for fun. I just find it really entertaining. Sure I’m not the biggest Reiji fan like I’ve said before, but wow I love their interactions. Reiji can be a buzzkill for Laito, which certainly annoys him as well. Their relationships in the tokuten CDs are my favorite; especially when Kou and Laito pester Reiji to make them food. However, Reiji treats Laito like a nuisance as well, especially during his MB out when a desperate Laito comes to Reiji begging for help. Reiji’s extremely blunt in that situation and basically is like “why don’t you just kill her” and doesn’t attempt to comfort Laito when he’s crying when Yui kills herself in MB. I feel like Reiji is a nice foil for Laito’s character in their interactions, especially during that scene:

Reiji: Oh… …Are you crying? Laito: Eh, this… …is what you call tears? Reiji: The water that flows from the eyes are tears. Laito: Why am I crying for? Reiji: … … Are you happy or sad, it can be either. Laito: I’m… … Reiji: Well, please leave quickly and carry the corpse out with you. Laito: It’s cold… …I’m shedding so many tears, why are they coming out so fast… … Reiji: … … It would be the result of which you invited.

They don’t interact often, and when they do, it’s either entertaining or meaningful, it seems. At least in my opinion.

Laito’s relationship with Shuu

Now this one’s interesting. Exaggerated “pervert” vs actual pervert. Putting it out there, I don’t think Shuu’s a closet pervert as most say; he’s just quiet in general, but his perverse remarks are incredibly obvious. These two don’t interact often (although Shuu interacts with his brothers less than Kanato) but WOW can they freaking duet!! I love their song Camouflage. But, that aside, their reactions are limited to Shuu making quips at Laito; either telling him to shut up or like “wtf Laito” (similarly to his other brothers). My favorite scene of them both is when Shuu calls Laito a “wannabe pervert”. 

Laito: Haha. Shu, isn’t it unusual for you to feel uneasy? Are you jealous? Fufu… … Shu: Bothersome… …I’m in a bad mood now. My music is spoiled because of your useless chattering. … … As for the concept of jealousy, it’s impossible for me to express… …you imitated pervert. Laito: … … Do you want to be killed? Shu: Hmph… …whatever you like?

This sets Laito off a bit, and Shuu definitely knows what he’s doing. Laito’s even taken aback, given his pause and the lack of a retort. It’s uncertain to see if Shuu actually knows what’s up with Laito or not, but I do think that Shuu is more perceptive than what he lets on. This also just reinforces the fact that Laito wants to meticulously build his character/facade as the perverted type, and doesn’t want it to be broken down; which is why he gets mad at Shuu. 

Well that’s all of Laito’s relationships with his brothers! Now onto the bigger picture.

Laito’s overall relationship with the Sakamakis and their implications + conclusions

This one’s gonna be a bit all over the place, so I apologize for that. 

Have you ever noticed that Laito doesn’t resort to name calling like the rest of his brothers? Even Reiji, the more “””refined””” brother calls Shuu a good for nothing. He only resorts to name-calling women. This, I find very intriguing. He usually has more indirect comments at his brothers, but they’re not nearly as malicious as the others. Or they’re insightful or just him teasing them; I don’t believe he has malicious intent towards his brothers like he says he does. Unless if he says he does; Laito doesn’t get actually LEGIT mad that easily. 

Also, yes, Laito does keep his mask on around his siblings. He’s just not as pervy when Yui’s not there because,,,, Yui’s not there, or if she’s not the topic of the conversation (or any woman for that matter), he has no reason to be pervy unless if something comes up. He always feels the need to be pervy though; Shuu straight up calls him a “wannabe pervert,” since Laito heavily exerts it to the point where it’s probably a joke. 

However, there’s something that’s been bothering me. I did mention it in this (https://everything-laito.tumblr.com/post/624910343406256128/impromptu-analysis-more-of-this-coming-soon) analysis, but TLDR; Nobody interacts with you or Laito in Laito’s HDB route. I could even say the same with his MB route, but that highlights his rivalry with Kou. In HDB, there is rarely any interaction with other brothers or even implied interaction with them. Subaru doesn’t even show up in the entirety of Laito’s route from what I can remember. In Kanato’s route, (which Kanato is the most overtly possessive/yandere of them all imo) Laito and Ayato still interact with him when you’re around, or even when he’s not around. But nobody dares to interact with you in Laito’s route much when you’re alone. Its bone chilling isolation. If there is interaction with the other brothers, it’s very limited and very quick. They’re very careful about what they say to you, when Laito’s around or not. They know he’s always watching, and we know he’s always watching. 

But, Kanato’s the one that spits out death threats all the time and is definitely like “Yui’s mine” in his route. But, it seems that he’s not much of a threat to the other brothers; and like I mentioned, Laito even gives him advice, which he listens to. However, nobody dares to get under Laito’s radar, because it seems that he can turn into an actual threat to the others. I mean, Laito probably has killed as many people as Kanato, if not more. Laito is no stranger to killing in cold blood. He’s killed so many suitors under Cordelia. This is beyond the other brothers being disgusted with Laito’s actions. This is the other brothers not wanting to mess with Pandora’s Box. 

Sure, we know that Laito dislikes outward violence, but he’s a master at manipulation and gaslighting, and doing stuff sneakily. They don’t know what to expect because of his mask being on at all times; they can’t get an efficient read on him, and even if they were “plotting” something against him or wanting to take Yui, they couldn’t. He has eyes everywhere. So instead, the other brothers avoid him in the sacrificial bride situation. He’s a force to be reckoned with, and they seem to know that he’s smarter than what he lets on. 

Well, if you’re still here, thanks for reading as always! So sorry this has been so delayed! (And Hotline, I will get to your other part of your ask in another post, I didn’t forget about it!!)

Hope you all are doing well!

-Corn