#even if I knew how someone felt about me
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Charlie knowing the positive of flower language while Lucifer knows the negatives is hilarious. I can only imaging the confusion of one of them being gifted dual meaning flowers with zero context.
Flower language is such a good tool for creating misunderstandings!
I think Charlie would always assume the best, even if an enemy gifted her a mean bouquet, she would probably assume that meant they were trying to tell her that they secretly liked her really 😂
#Hazbin hotel#ask#anonymous#being a chronic overthinker I know I’d constantly be second guessing the meaning#even if I knew how someone felt about me#that slim chance it meant the opposite would keep me up at night 😂#‘either they’re trying to tell me they like me or they’ve secretly hated me this entire time and can’t say it in words’
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Vettonso complaining about each other not respecting schrondinger's track limits on the radio compilation + Seb's commentary that made me a bit feral
Must include these sexy ass pics okay, it makes me feral how hard they race each other.
Also SO upset that we got this vid and there's also pictures(and presumably a vid out there somewhere) of Fernando, back then, ALSO debriefing this race. And yet we never got them together?????? Evil. Fucked up.
Imagine seeing them complaining about each other but also having to (begrudgingly if you're Fernando) compliment each other IN FRONT of each other. Maybe its a good thing it doesn't exist, bcs then I'd have a heart attack.
#this is just a supercut of the f1 vid in the source so you should watch that as well :)#thank you boo to inadvertently pointing me towards this moment cause man it makes me insane#like the added context of knowing seb was just being bratty cause he KNEW fernando was heated on the radio is SO funny#fernando's radios....actually so feral#'give back the position IMMEDIATELY'#fernando i dont have the position but i will do my best to give it to you anyways#grrrrrrr theres smth about getting to see seb discuss such a vettonso hard racing moment#he clearly respects him 🥹#but even years on you can tell hes SO pleased abt how much he was irritating fernando#this is the kinda clip that makes me wish f1 had proximity chat#them both on the radio like 'does that idiot EVEN know what hes doing'#also the annoying confidence of seb on the radio saying its fernando's fault if he gets a punctuee#and not even mentioning the fact that he could get a puncture 😭#but again. to hear him complimenting Fernando really kills me#just about his spacial awareness and how seb feels like he can always race him to the limit bcs he TRUSTS him#like that is the true f1 romance to me. racing someone hard and complaining on the radio but +#admitting that you never rly felt in danger bcs you TRUST the other driver!!!!!!!#i love sassy angry radios. they both sound so........yeah. im unwell#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#we do a little bit of f1#2014 british gp#vettonso
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Something something perhaps the reason Curly lacks a truly undamaged ID where his face is visible is to represent how much damage Jimmy had already affected on him throughout their relationship and the way Curly obscured part of who he is and what he stood to unintentionally cater to this toxic influence in his life.
#I think there is something to say that most people draw post crash curly and may not have every drawn him pre crash#and I think it says something that we only really look at the characters substantially in relation to Jimmy and not their own merits#unless we are discussing how J I M M Y mischarcterizes them cause in this#since we don’t assign a face and identify to Curly’s actions outside of Jimmy until the end their is the question of how much we are viewing#them as separate entities rather than intertwined actions cause while the flipping#of who we play at shows them and parallels and in separable in terms of the story going down#they couldn’t be drastically more different in thinking and you only really realize that at the birthday scene where Curly felt the need to#take responsibility for something while Jimmy just felt the need to take#this is also more so me thinking about all the reason people think Curly and Jimmy could be friends but they are missing the point of Jimmy#and his dynamic there is nothing severely weird or sinister about Curly or his intentions it’s that he’s well meaning to a fault#he’s an average dude having a mid life crisis and Jimmy is a guy that takes advantage of good intentions like the idea#that curly has to be like Jimmy in some way personality humor morally is the exact sort of projection Jimmy wants#to happen and does like it’s the sad and real case that sometimes people just have friends like Jimmy that they can’t cut off for one reason#or another like it’s not highly philosophical people are friends with objective assholes but it’s less about them#and more about the person feeling some obligation to stay like I feel like crafting him into#being more morally grey is to just make it easier to be angrier or think someone with more of a backbone#could of done something but it’s not even that he was spineless he was just too distracted and sometimes that feel like cowardice like even#Swansea waited it’s just the sad truth of how people avoid people like Jimmy or setting them off#sometimes it just does more harm than good I just am so bored with all the takes#acting like there was a perfect man on that ship and that any one outside of Anya knew the exact type of guy Jimmy#was from the get go like the point is other men wouldn’t in rape culture but women and their victims already know#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#throwing rocks at Jimmy
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Man like. I really hope the theories about 'redeeming Solas' ending being to die/mirror his friend wisdom where he dies but will eventually get respawned as a 'new' him, aren't true. Because ngl that's. A very unappealing ending imo. Like that isn't worth the 10 year wait at all.
#its no different to me than if he were to just die permanently.#bc he explains that his friend wont remember him and will come back similar but not necessarily even the same personality#like it just wont be him. the solas we knew would be dead. and im so fucking bored of that#like im just. im gonna be mean hang on#solas redemption arc being 'he dies and respawns' is so. fucking. lazy?#like idk i guess i find it more compelling to have a character learn to Want to live. learn How to live. etc especially when its an immortal#not to mention. like. solas personal quest w wisdom dying is like. im sorry i didnt cry? it wasnt That Emotional.#someone died. happens in like every fucking dragon age quest ever.#the emotional part of solas' quest was how He felt and dealt with it.#and even then. he just disappeared until you fast traveled back to skyhold next.#like am i making sense?#the emotional part was seeing how broken up HE was about it. but wisdom dying was no sadder than when duke bastien dies in Viv's quest#it was just a death with a little *essence may reform later and be a new spirit note#anyway I'll be like. incredibly disappointed if that's what happens to solas no matter what
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..
(my AU black version and the og green)
#Legend of Korra#Baatar Jr.#LoK#WIP#[ since this is from something silly I wanted to post this bit because he is serving very cunty#even if you know he's talking about accidentally ingesting caustic chemicals lol#this was def self indulgent but also why couldn't he have worn the suit at least once sobs#we had one chance#I don't actually think he uses the mech suit hardly ever even though he has his own personal one#but on rare occasions he does and gets in this outfit and Kuvira are you okay? Are you good? Has anyone checked on her?#I feel like this outfit is what causes her to take a serious sanity hit LOL#she just drags him away by the hood and no one sees them again for like 4 hours#or she's just like “You know what I think he could use my help :)” and proceeds to be everything but helpful#idk how anything in this regime gets done I swear#the most Baatar ever used the mech suits was when they were first being built#idk dude I love a man in a working uniform sobs#I knew someone would recognize the mech pilot suit hehe that made me smile because yeah :)))#it felt good to draw Baatar again sobs I love him so much I've missed him#I do kinda wish this sketch was cleaner but I wanted to at least post it now in case I never did lol#I should to a proper illust of him in the pilot suit one day just for the pure self indulgence of it all#give myself a lill treat you know? ]#Neon Ocean Art
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okay what i have to say is lowkey embarrassing but i wanna bitch and it’s probably only embarrassing to me bc im shy about this stuff anyways the moral of the story is i wanna bitch and u should probably just ignore me. god bless
#honestly halfway through the wedding i did see this guy i thought was rlly cute#like. REALLY cute (so fucking embarrassing)#but i’m too shy to talk to hot people and i’ve never approached anyone before and no one’s ever approached me so i don’t know what to do#idk how to talk to people to begin with let alone like. try to flirt or something#but as the night went on (this is so embarrassing) for some reason i literally couldn’t stop looking at him (kill me)#and he probably definitely noticed me looking at him so he probably thinks im some like. crazy creep or something#but like usually when i see someone attractive im just like oh wow and admire them from afar#but i COULDNT STOP LOOKING AT HIM! WHY! and for some reason i felt like i just really wanted to talk to him#but i didn’t know what to do! i just felt this urge to go try and start a conversation but i just. i couldn’t#and every time i thought i would work up the courage either my sister or my grandmother would come back and hover over me#and i didn’t wanna be like ‘sorry gotta go i need to go embarrass myself in front of this cute guy’#OR he would get up and start taking pictures again. it’s like he knew#he wasn’t even the official photographer he was just one of the guests who clearly wanted to take photos of his friends wedding. which like#is so endearing to me. he has HOBBIES. WOW. (kill me)#idk j can’t even put everything into words i just feel like screaming into a pillow AAAAAAUGHHH#i felt like i was in hs again there was a point i even excused myself to step outside just because he was out there#but he was talking to some old lady. so i was just sitting outside in the grass moping#i feel so stupid i dunno. why am i so worked up about this. i had a few opportunities to approach him and i didnt. because im an idiot#i feel like i’m down so bad which is so STUPID because i don’t even know his name and ill never see him again in my life#so it doesn’t even matter! and every time im like oh oh well it was just random infatuation clearly it wasn’t meant to be#but then i just get upset and all blushy cause he was SO CUTE! and i wanna know more about him! why!#i haven’t felt like this in FOREVER i just feel so stupid for even feeling this way#i know ill be fine in a few days or something but im just like. i wish i could have at least spoken to him once#sigh. idk what’s wrong with me#maybe he’s already dating someone anyways all the cute people seem to already be in relationships#except ME im the only one left. who am I supposed to date!!#i want to jump out the window#snow.txt
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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 Think I’m just gonna disappear into webfishing and disco elysium for the rest of the night 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
#if anyone wants to join on webfishing hit me up#maybe even just go to bed like I just feel empty#this cannot be happening#and I know my parents and brothers won’t even get why I’m so upset why I feel so betrayed#I’m fucking openly out to my parents queer and trans and I feel betrayed and they won’t ever understand why and it’s so upsetting and I know#I wont be taken seriously if I get upset it’s maddening and upsetting#how could my mother who cried to me about wanting me to openly trans and myself do this to me like I knew but just ignored but it still hurt#and then my dads brain is ruined with conspiracies and idiotic propaganda like we are not the same and it sucks so bad seeing someone you#love be that and believe these things and vote for someone who not only wants to take my rights and make transition even harder/nonexistent#but also a man who incited violence against people like me who didn’t ever try to hide how he felt about people like me and minorities and#they just don’t care it’s my life and they don’t see how it directly impacts me. they just want lower gas and groceries and that’s not gonna#fucking happen#I’m sorry I’m obviously having a rough night like everyone else I just need to vent
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im gonna fucking throw up istg PAY ATTENTION TOO EMEEEEEEEE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
#theres something WRONG WITH MEE AAUUUGGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHHGHHHGHG BAPPING MYSELF ON THE HEAD WHY CANT I BE ALONE#vent#car seat headrest isnt making it any better man. ive just guh#ive just been having a bad week mental heath wise dude. like ive been having thoughts of hurting myself and shits insane and i just guh.#i feel like im only desirable when i can give something to someone guh. laying on the floor and taking damage#maybe i should stop making self depreciating jokes about myself that could be it too#idk why ive been having thoughts of hurting myself either idk what could be causing it.#maybe i miss how it felt to do something i knew was wrong and that could get m in trouble if my parents found out.#idk what they would even do if they found out. theyve never noticed anything wrong with me wow im that good at hiding shit#grgh. kicking things >:[ idk what's wrong with me. maybe it's just a bad week or something i dont know#i wish i could get loved the way i love people#anyways back to our regularly scheduled posting!!! no more of all that :] normal again chat tee hee
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rambly rant in the aftermath of this whole situation. I wasn’t gonna say anything because I didn’t have anything new or smart to say
but now I really wanna implore my followers to think critically in light of tumblr “drama”. because it’s dangerous. inflammatory posts are so easy.
imagine being called some of the worst words for one second, could you as easily defend yourself? even if you knew you had done nothing, how easy does it seem to convince an angry mob that they’ve got it wrong? definitely not as easy as making the fucking post at least.
I don’t want to talk whatever allegations. its not about the post of the week. its about the culture around drama, and free-for-all that surrounds it.
the lack of critical thought and understanding that smart, grown humans are able to give these situations is sad. past blind gut reaction anger and disbelief, do yall do anything with those thoughts afterward? parroting some talking head without thought isn’t insight. the people who make these posts on anon and think that gives them free reign to do the most despicable shit,
if you wish real harm, if you doxx, if you threaten someone’s life or innocent people who aren’t even involved - you’re straight up a bad person. the person you’re calling out may be a bad person too, but there’s no way you’re the “good guy” there.
can you actually think about what you believe in regards to the thing?
some of you seem to think everyone acts in service of you and your beliefs, instead of their own reasons and beliefs.
I know angry people are gonna start shit bc you have the critical reading skills of a goldfish so again, this isn’t a judgement about the situations that have cropped up in dc spheres last few days. I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before. It’s about how y’all react to it. Drama isn’t an excuse to become a horrible person for a few days. And if you take any chance to publicly act like a shitty person, maybe you just are a shitty person.
It shows that most of you have no fucking clue of what you’re talking about. Publicly airing your problem w someone isn’t public service.
we all understand that a subjective bad interaction isn’t proof. it doesn’t criminalise someone to be shit person to talk to, but that’s 90% of the rbs.
If you have a gripe with someone, you talk about it in private, or to friends, or block them. And if you’re gonna call someone out, make sure you can line up the facts. Not assumptions.
The vagueness is so distasteful. If you don’t have enough fact to label them with that word publicly, maybe mind your business and dislike the person in quiet. no one said you’re not allowed to dislike someone.
have some fucking class. unless you’ve made sure that what you’re saying in the Whole truth, it probably isn’t. it’s your belief, and your belief isn’t any more important or right than anyone else’s. so many of you are seriously, seriously embarrassing. good job doing absolutely nothing for the betterment of anyone.
#‘I understand why dc is used’ but apparently only the dc you personally wanna consume#??#people who’ve followed me probably knew how I felt about this thing already so this shouldn’t be much of a surprise#i literally have my own gripes with a lot of the topic discussed#firsthand as a victim#yet every victim ive talked to seems to agree that even our personal gripes don’t set the rule for what someone can use to cope#if you send anonymous hate I really really genuinely don’t support you as a person#I hope you go away#bc some of the reactions to drama in the last year or so has been#foul#they’re not even cosplaying care anymore it’s just straight up any excuse to act crazy#ring ring#tw.discourse#I guess but not really bc I genuinely have nothing to say about the stupid slew of posts that have been going around
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thinking too hard abt how this rise of "mental health" discussion still only seems to focus on the Cute and Quirky symptoms and still demonizes other mental health (personality) disorders
like my carefully curated tumblr space is fine, but everytime i get sucked into insta reels i inevitably see tens of different reels of the same 3 symptoms of autism/adhd
like im glad theyre getting this positive moment but it just kind of fucking sucks to listen to people talk about how they ToTaLlY have a "touch of the 'tism" and ur friends are sending u "relatable adhd memes" so u think u have a little more support and understanding but then u mention how ur struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts and violent/disturbing intrusive thoughts and suddenly everyone's like
😳
whats the matter babe, my mental health problems not palatable enough for you? :/
#told a coworker that some ppl have intrusive thoughts like assaulting ppl#and his face was just like the emoji#'ur not a terrible person'#would u still feel like reassuring me if u knew abt the thoughts i was beating back with a stick?#like i could absolutely use a therapist#not for a diagnosis mind u just for. fucking. counselling.#bc obvs i cant be chronically relying on my friends to emotionally support me#they have their own stuff and emotional labour is a lot and i know that but still#sometimes i just feel like. fuck. like just.#could u just listen to me for five fucking minutes#and reassure me that im not a terrible person#and that everything will be alright#because i can tell myself and do self affirmations but fuck#sure would be nice if i felt like someone other than me believed that too#like i think i could rely on my roomie but she doesnt do physical contact lmao#and i could prob talk to my sis or mum but i would Rather Not plus they would probably cry#and i want someone who's gonna be calm about it hahaaa#dont ask if im back on my meds yet <3#as unhealthy as my childhood friendships were they were also the most honest#we were Very Open abt how fucked up we were#unfortunately we just like fed into each other#but now trying to be honest just feels like a Fucking Joke#and not even in a 'trying to downplay so i dont cry' way#more like 'im not taking this conversation seriously Unless ur crying'#gods i feel like a fucking teenager trying to get ppl to take my emotions seriously again what the fuck#like sorry for being an emotionally unstable 30yo i guess?? are u really gonna try to shut me down abt it??#like who are u my father lmfao fuck OFF#like im fine with the person that i am!!! why isnt anyone else?? im not a child!!!
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this interaction and friendship is exactly how i made friends on the playground at the park as a kid
#like you know?#just go up to someone and start talking#and its like a yes and#like u just bounce off of each other even tho you met five seconds ago#and then ephemer went and broke a promise to see you the next day#and instead of being sad about it and then moving on and never seeing your playground bestie that you only knew for three hours again#ephemer did the opposire and sent a dream message to you or something and cemented himself permanently into your brain rent free#i think he sent a dream#honest to god can not remmeber#guess ill find out in a bit#anyways#the relationship between player and ephemer started as playground besties and evolved into whatever the hell they had going on after#skuld is like someone you meet at school after summer break and you mention this kid you met on the playground except he ditched you and you#think about him sometimes#and skulds like no fucking way i ALSO know that kid#and youre like no way#you have a common denominator you are no besties bc thats how middle school friendships worked#and then in highschool you guys go to the same school again and then ephemer is like i dont fucking know#the student council president? no one ever knows who the student council president is but their presence is felt everywhere#and you see someone who kind of looks like ephemer walking around and youre like not entirely sure its him bc its been years maybe#and then something suitably dramatic and high school drama esqu hapoens and upure like EPHEMER?#and ephemer is like omg hi how are you ive seen you around i heard youre taking this class hows it going i know your grades are good bc i ch#check them all the time :)#is this anything#my metaphor ran away from me#it makes sense in my head dont worry <3#michi tag
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Spoke to someone I don’t know over the phone, 11 dead, 32 injured
#I’m all flowery on here but in real life conversation I am the driest most uncomfortably pragmatic person alive#I’ve been scolded for being so task-focused that I forgot to say hello to the secretaries in high school when I went to do a task#or for having an “attitude” with my parents (often when I was purposefully trying to appear humble with an “idk” voice)#so I’ve amended that by fake laughing at everything and keeping my customer service voice on All The Time#0/10 it works flawlessly but I’ve also made myself into a socially anxious doormat#I’ve been the one to break it to people that their friend died on more than one occasion and I always feel bad about how I do it#I usually just blurt it out because I don’t know how to lead up to it other than saying “maybe you should sit down for this”#it would be wrong if I knew and didn’t tell them#so it has to be me… you know?#I’m so disconnected from any feelings of grief (I’ve never felt bereavement in my life) that it feels wrong for it to be me#because I’m physically incapable of sharing in their pain and emotions; I literally don’t understand it#but sometimes I’ll cry reflexively if I see someone else crying even if I don’t have any actual feelings for them or their situation#I’m more disturbed by knowing of people who are alive going through pain than I am by knowing someone died#because death is natural; suffering isn’t#unless the person is a child or otherwise very young#but if they’re old and lived a fulfilling life I recognize they’ve had a fulfilling life and hope that my life#is as fulfilling as theirs was when I go#I’m not afraid of death; I’d just like to not go before I’m good and ready#When I go away I hope that I WANT to go away; you know?
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#having a day full of mixed feelings#I suppose this is how life goes#I'm officially done with my Bachelor's degree as of today#obviously I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment and I was excited to be celebrated today#it was a long and difficult road and there were many times where I didn't think I'd live to see it through but I made it#I'm the first person in my family to get this degree and I was really looking forward to having today be my day#I had a really lovely morning and then things kind of waned#there were a few arguments. someone I spent the day with repeatedly made negative comments about something I care about#it felt awful. I know it was intended as more of a playful jab than anything but I directly asked for the comments to stop and they didn't#it especially hurt that it was a fandom thing and the person is so invested in their own fandoms yet they felt it fair to step on mine#even though I've never done that to them#then people kept talking over me and acted like I was wrong for trying to interject to finish my own sentences#also as I said in the last post I was deeply upset by how my family members spoke of my 12 year old cousin#she's just a kid and some of our close family members have such a nasty opinion of her. she's so young and she's had a rough few years#but it seems like no one except my brother and I are willing to give her any grace#I think everyone else has forgotten what it feels like to be a kid and feel as if the world is against you#on a more positive note. I had a decadent slice of chocolate cake. it was heavenly#unfortunately I was really too in my head to fully enjoy it#literally every day for 3 weeks I've been talking about the lunch I planned to have today#I knew exactly what meal and dessert I wanted from the restaurant. it's my absolute fave and isn't available at any other local restaurant#I was totally starving by time we got to the restaurant. we were out all morning and I ate a tiny breakfast in anticipation of this meal#when we got there we found out they removed what I planned to order from the menu. I was devastated.#I know it's stupid but like this was the one part of my day that I've had planned for MONTHS and I've been thinking about it for weeks#we had a 40 minute car ride where I mentioned my excitement for the food no less than 10 times so this crushed me#also I'm just really picky in general and typically restaurants only have one or two things I'm able to eat#I offered to just eat the dessert while everyone else ordered food because they were all really hungry too but they wouldn't allow it#we left the restaurant and I still feel horrible for walking out. if I had known the item was removed we wouldn't have even gone there#it happened so recently though and I feel dumb for not even thinking to check the menu online beforehand#so we went to another restaurant and I barely ate anything and now I have no appetite for dinner and I feel bad for ruining the afternoon#even though it's my day and my celebration and I feel like I'm entitled to a slight amount of unreasonableness
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idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc
a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.
i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.
the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.
i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.
individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.
#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t#i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet#but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need#one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash.#what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them#i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway#idfk man#i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING#one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who#because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me#she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous#he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him#at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring.#i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot#he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water#i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest#he got up and he blessed me again#offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange#wishing each other well as we go different ways#he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well#i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow#to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too#not a rigid shelter but a place to make home#blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity#tauto talks
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