#even if I knew how someone felt about me
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Charlie knowing the positive of flower language while Lucifer knows the negatives is hilarious. I can only imaging the confusion of one of them being gifted dual meaning flowers with zero context.
Flower language is such a good tool for creating misunderstandings!
I think Charlie would always assume the best, even if an enemy gifted her a mean bouquet, she would probably assume that meant they were trying to tell her that they secretly liked her really 😂
#Hazbin hotel#ask#anonymous#being a chronic overthinker I know I’d constantly be second guessing the meaning#even if I knew how someone felt about me#that slim chance it meant the opposite would keep me up at night 😂#‘either they’re trying to tell me they like me or they’ve secretly hated me this entire time and can’t say it in words’
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Vettonso complaining about each other not respecting schrondinger's track limits on the radio compilation + Seb's commentary that made me a bit feral
Must include these sexy ass pics okay, it makes me feral how hard they race each other.
Also SO upset that we got this vid and there's also pictures(and presumably a vid out there somewhere) of Fernando, back then, ALSO debriefing this race. And yet we never got them together?????? Evil. Fucked up.
Imagine seeing them complaining about each other but also having to (begrudgingly if you're Fernando) compliment each other IN FRONT of each other. Maybe its a good thing it doesn't exist, bcs then I'd have a heart attack.
#this is just a supercut of the f1 vid in the source so you should watch that as well :)#thank you boo to inadvertently pointing me towards this moment cause man it makes me insane#like the added context of knowing seb was just being bratty cause he KNEW fernando was heated on the radio is SO funny#fernando's radios....actually so feral#'give back the position IMMEDIATELY'#fernando i dont have the position but i will do my best to give it to you anyways#grrrrrrr theres smth about getting to see seb discuss such a vettonso hard racing moment#he clearly respects him 🥹#but even years on you can tell hes SO pleased abt how much he was irritating fernando#this is the kinda clip that makes me wish f1 had proximity chat#them both on the radio like 'does that idiot EVEN know what hes doing'#also the annoying confidence of seb on the radio saying its fernando's fault if he gets a punctuee#and not even mentioning the fact that he could get a puncture 😭#but again. to hear him complimenting Fernando really kills me#just about his spacial awareness and how seb feels like he can always race him to the limit bcs he TRUSTS him#like that is the true f1 romance to me. racing someone hard and complaining on the radio but +#admitting that you never rly felt in danger bcs you TRUST the other driver!!!!!!!#i love sassy angry radios. they both sound so........yeah. im unwell#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#we do a little bit of f1#2014 british gp#vettonso
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Something something perhaps the reason Curly lacks a truly undamaged ID where his face is visible is to represent how much damage Jimmy had already affected on him throughout their relationship and the way Curly obscured part of who he is and what he stood to unintentionally cater to this toxic influence in his life.
#I think there is something to say that most people draw post crash curly and may not have every drawn him pre crash#and I think it says something that we only really look at the characters substantially in relation to Jimmy and not their own merits#unless we are discussing how J I M M Y mischarcterizes them cause in this#since we don’t assign a face and identify to Curly’s actions outside of Jimmy until the end their is the question of how much we are viewing#them as separate entities rather than intertwined actions cause while the flipping#of who we play at shows them and parallels and in separable in terms of the story going down#they couldn’t be drastically more different in thinking and you only really realize that at the birthday scene where Curly felt the need to#take responsibility for something while Jimmy just felt the need to take#this is also more so me thinking about all the reason people think Curly and Jimmy could be friends but they are missing the point of Jimmy#and his dynamic there is nothing severely weird or sinister about Curly or his intentions it’s that he’s well meaning to a fault#he’s an average dude having a mid life crisis and Jimmy is a guy that takes advantage of good intentions like the idea#that curly has to be like Jimmy in some way personality humor morally is the exact sort of projection Jimmy wants#to happen and does like it’s the sad and real case that sometimes people just have friends like Jimmy that they can’t cut off for one reason#or another like it’s not highly philosophical people are friends with objective assholes but it’s less about them#and more about the person feeling some obligation to stay like I feel like crafting him into#being more morally grey is to just make it easier to be angrier or think someone with more of a backbone#could of done something but it’s not even that he was spineless he was just too distracted and sometimes that feel like cowardice like even#Swansea waited it’s just the sad truth of how people avoid people like Jimmy or setting them off#sometimes it just does more harm than good I just am so bored with all the takes#acting like there was a perfect man on that ship and that any one outside of Anya knew the exact type of guy Jimmy#was from the get go like the point is other men wouldn’t in rape culture but women and their victims already know#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#throwing rocks at Jimmy
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TL;DR: Zuko is not winning any Liar of the Year awards here, but he's by not a ‘bad liar’ either. He's also (apparently surprisingly) not sharing his every deep-seated thought and feeling to anyone and everyone and can in fact, keep a secret.
a canon vs fanon Zuko thing thing I see fairly often that I personally disagree with is that Zuko is constantly over-sharing and telling people too much about himself and his problems.
People love to use the Book 1 finale incident when he talks to Aang's unconscious body in the cave, but that feels like a bizarre example because... he's more talking to himself. He's not really talking to Aang. Aang can't hear him. Aang is literally none the wiser. It's not an inappropriate time or person or unreciprocated, and honestly the whole thing is more for the audience to get a sense of what in gods green earth is going through Zuko's mind considering how reckless this action was. And even if Aang was awake I still don't know if you could call it oversharing considering Aang has genuinely tried to reach out to Zuko before and tried to understand him (e.g., the Blue Spirit). Of all people, Aang would likely be the most receptive. Like... net zero information gained...
I've seen people use some examples with Iroh which I personally think is pretty ridiculous to count because it's not like he's saying anything Iroh doesn't already know??? Iroh is like the only one in Zuko's orbit who actually knew all the details about his banishment and trauma. I don't know how any scene Zuko could have with Iroh that you could call over-sharing. Zuko also never said shit to his crew about any of his past for like. two whole years. The most they thought of him was angry and spoiled. They didn't actually know anything about him. like... at all. Jee thought his scar was from a training accident.
People like to also use the scene on the ship with Mai in Book 3 when Zuko is returning to the Fire Nation, but even that feels like a bit of a stretch. Yeah, Mai dismisses him and tries to play it off, but nothing Zuko says feels 'too personal' especially when Mai is supposed to be his girlfriend and Zuko has literally not been home in three years. Telling your girlfriend/someone you trust how you feel in a obviously emotionally turbulent situation is not sharing too much, no matter their reaction or whether they asked first.
MAI: Aren't you cold? ZUKO: I've got a lot on my mind. It's been so long, over three years since I was home. I wonder what's changed. I wonder how I've changed. MAI: [Yawns.] I just asked if you were cold, I didn't ask for your whole life story. [Zuko frowns at her sarcastic response. Mai giggles and holds his face in her hands.] MAI: Stop worrying.
Another example I see is when Zuko rants to the badgerfrog. Again, not really an example since the badgerfrog is not a person and the story needed Zuko to Say Things Out Loud so we have some clue about what he's thinking. It's the same thing with the unconscious Aang. It's not oversharing. It's venting. And once again - net zero information achieved!!
Like, none of these instances feel like he's revealed too much information. None of it feels inappropriate in the context of the story.
I think people get 'over-sharer' and 'openly wearing your emotions' lines confused sometimes, but even that gets misconstrued in fandom.
I don't think that Zuko being more open with his emotions than other characters is an incorrect conclusion to make, however, I think there's something to be said about Zuko in book 1 and 2 using anger and rage as a coping mechanism rather than being vulnerable with his emotions.
Zuko will talk about his feelings a lot more in Book 3, which is actually super important to his arc, since he doesn't actually talk about his feelings in a real way in Book 1 and 2 (he's angry most of the time, and the only times I can remember when he does really talk about how he actually feels is usually when things have gotten Real Bad like when Zhao takes his ship or it's the anniversary of his banishment). In Book 3, he's really thinking and reflecting on how he feels and how he felt in different situations.
Even the 'Zuko is a bad liar' gets WAY over-played in fanon!
Yeah Zuko is not great at thinking on his feet when confronted, but it seems very context dependent, actually.
When in dangerous situations, while he's definitely not winning any Best Liar Ever Awards, he's not a bumbling fool either -
Zuko lies to Zhao about the Blue Spirit swords:
ZHAO: I didn't know you were skilled with broadswords, Prince Zuko. ZUKO: I'm not. They're antiques. Just decorative.
While not ultimately convincing, his delivery of it is far from terrible. The circumstances are against him here, though, after all, there are few people who hate Zhao enough to commit treason to stop him from capturing the Avatar than Zuko.
Zuko lies to Zhao about having found the Avatar:
ZHAO: [Pulls up alongside Zuko and smirks.] Two years at sea have done little to temper your tongue. So, how is your search for the Avatar going? ZUKO: [Aggressively.] We haven't found him yet. ZHAO: Did you really expect to? The Avatar died a hundred years ago. [Close-up of Zuko, as he slants his eyes.] Along with the rest of the airbenders. [Close-up of Zhao, whose face contorts in an evil expression.] Unless you have found some evidence that the Avatar is alive? ZUKO: [Faces Zhao and responds very clearly.] No. [Stares back in front of him.] Nothing. ZHAO: [With an expression of disbelief on his face, as he rises from his chair.] Prince Zuko, the Avatar is the only one who can stop the Fire Nation from winning this war. [Leans in and faces Zuko.] If you have an ounce of loyalty left, you'll tell me what you found. ZUKO: I haven't found [Looks up at Zhao and his tone becomes slightly more aggressive.] anything. [Close-up, as he continues on a softer tone, slightly mockingly.] It's like you said. The Avatar probably died a long time ago. [Gets up.] Come on, Uncle, we're going.
I'm not trying to say Zuko is secretly this great liar, but his effort here is commendable. It's his directness that gives him away, but he's not afraid, or nervous, or stumbling over his words like he's often portrayed to be.
Zuko confidently lies to Jet about not being a firebender:
[while on the ferry; you can see Zuko thinks for a second Jet knows who he really is. Jet doesn't pick up on this, and Zuko plays off his fear].
JET: You know, as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were. You're an outcast, like me. And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each other's backs. Because no one else will. ZUKO: I've realized lately that being on your own isn't always the best path.
[during Zuko and Jet's fight]
JET: Bet you wish he'd help you out with a little fire blast right now. [As Jet swings at Zuko's feet, Zuko stabs one of his broadswords through the hilt, pinning it to the ground. Jet looks at it with annoyance before focusing back on Zuko.] ZUKO: You're the one who needs help.
Zuko, throughout these interactions, plays off Jet's comments. He's learnt to be vague sometimes (like on the ferry to Ba Sing Se) and be confident when refuting someone. Yeah Zuko did go straight for Bodily Harm but that's very on brand to me.
Zuko lies to Chit Sang about the escape plan without hesitation:
SUKI: But how are you going to get the cooler out? CHIT SANG: [From the staircase.] Yeah, how are you going to get the cooler out? [Jumps down.] SOKKA: [Covering up.] What? We didn't ... w-we didn't say that. ZUKO: Yeah, you heard wrong. CHIT SANG: I heard you hatching an escape plan, and I want in. ZUKO: [stern] There's nothing to get in on. SOKKA: Yeah, the only thing we're hatching is ... an egg? [Zuko lowers his head and Suki covers her eyes while they both sigh in annoyance.]
Zuko comes up with a lie to tell the guards at the Boiling Rock about keeping his helmet on:
MALE GUARD: Hey, new guy! I know it's the rule to have your helmet on at all times, but this is the lounge. Relax. ZUKO: [plays it up] But what if there's an incident? If I'm not prepared, someone could strike me on the head. [The guards laugh.] FEMALE GUARD: Give it a week, he'll loosen up.
However, Zuko most often has the most difficulty lying to people who are kind to him (and who are Azula tbh) -
In Crossroads of Destiny, Zuko and Iroh are now refugees and Zuko bungles this conversation with Song:
ZUKO: [Nervously] Yes, we're travellers. SONG: you have names? ZUKO: Names? Of course we have names. I'm, uh ... Lee and this is my Uncle, uh ... Mushi?
In Tales of Ba Sing Se, Zuko struggles to find even ground with Jin and doesn't know how to answer her questions:
ZUKO: You have ... quite an appetite for a girl. [He fiddles his thumbs awkwardly.] JIN: [Uncomfortably.] Umm ... thanks? So, Lee, where were you and your uncle living before you came here? ZUKO: Umm ... well, we've been traveling around for a long time. JIN: Oh. Why were you traveling so much? ZUKO: We were ... uh, part of this traveling circus. JIN: Really? What did you do? Wait, lemme guess. [She thinks for a moment and quickly points at him.] You juggled! ZUKO: [Zuko folds his arms and looks annoyed.] Yes, I juggled.
In Zuko Alone, he's at a loss for words when asked his name:
SELA: Does this guy have a name? ZUKO: [Nervously.] I'm... uh... GANSU: [Off-camera.] He doesn't have to say who he is if he doesn't want to, Sela. [Cuts to shot of him standing with his family.] Anyone who can hold his own against those bully soldiers is welcome here. Those men should be ashamed to wear Earth Kingdom uniforms.
Listen, he's not weaving any incredible tales here, but he's not this bumbling little uwu boy who's completely helpless without Iroh or the Gaang that for some reason is incredibly persistent in fan depictions of him.
#like people love to say he trauma dumps but WHEN? to WHOM?#the gaang literally never even find out how he got his scar thats why there are 9890245049 fics on it#not even zuko's crew knew#anyway my whole point here is that you can portray zuko as being a bad liar and someone who wears their emotions loudly#without reducing him to a just a widdle guy... just a little baby boy who needs care 24/7#og zuko is fighting fire navy commanders and breaking into impenetrable locations for funsies#he's NOT holding back babes that is the problem!!#i guess u could argue he shares more in book 3 like when he talks about his experience at the war meeting when he returns home but tbh i#think it would be way weirder if he just.... mentioned the genocide plan and didn't comment at all how he felt about it#anyway zuko is NOT dark and mysterious. he will beat ur ass in the street and confide in u in strange vague ways and rob rich people with u#while also claiming that he Does Not Want To Be Your Friend#(you can contact him again for Crimes though that's fine)#can u tell the jet and zuko friendship is endlessly funny and compelling to me#zuko#atla#avatar#hattie talks#iroh#zhao
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Man like. I really hope the theories about 'redeeming Solas' ending being to die/mirror his friend wisdom where he dies but will eventually get respawned as a 'new' him, aren't true. Because ngl that's. A very unappealing ending imo. Like that isn't worth the 10 year wait at all.
#its no different to me than if he were to just die permanently.#bc he explains that his friend wont remember him and will come back similar but not necessarily even the same personality#like it just wont be him. the solas we knew would be dead. and im so fucking bored of that#like im just. im gonna be mean hang on#solas redemption arc being 'he dies and respawns' is so. fucking. lazy?#like idk i guess i find it more compelling to have a character learn to Want to live. learn How to live. etc especially when its an immortal#not to mention. like. solas personal quest w wisdom dying is like. im sorry i didnt cry? it wasnt That Emotional.#someone died. happens in like every fucking dragon age quest ever.#the emotional part of solas' quest was how He felt and dealt with it.#and even then. he just disappeared until you fast traveled back to skyhold next.#like am i making sense?#the emotional part was seeing how broken up HE was about it. but wisdom dying was no sadder than when duke bastien dies in Viv's quest#it was just a death with a little *essence may reform later and be a new spirit note#anyway I'll be like. incredibly disappointed if that's what happens to solas no matter what
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fuck vague posting I’m just full on ranting
#today was the first time I felt really jealous... someone I like was on a date with a dude which lasted multiple (like at least 6/7) hours#And it hurts more than with her situationship because there you always knew that it was more physical than emotional#but well she can't do anything about my feelings and I can't blame her for going on dates#the thing is… we wanted to meet up together since before our last exam… that was AGES ago#I just have the feeling that I'm just being pushed around to fit in the schedules when everything else is being taken care of first#and now we actually agreed to meet this Saturday but guess what... another friend has concert tickets for Saturday evening#which means that I'm being pushed back again (tho I don’t think that friend doesn't knows anything about the person and I's plan)#and now I feel like I'm being pushed back from both of them :/#because the two of them are going to have a nice day together again tomorrow#(for context this other friends wasn’t in the country for a few months and this’ll be the first time any of us sees her since she left)#and yes it shouldn't be important to me who "meets her first” but it still hurts for several reasons…#sometimes I just feel a bit left out with the two of them#and I would like to just cry about all this crap but I just can't… I've forgotten how to cry about my problems (and that fucks me up too)#op dasloddl
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..
(my AU black version and the og green)
#Legend of Korra#Baatar Jr.#LoK#WIP#[ since this is from something silly I wanted to post this bit because he is serving very cunty#even if you know he's talking about accidentally ingesting caustic chemicals lol#this was def self indulgent but also why couldn't he have worn the suit at least once sobs#we had one chance#I don't actually think he uses the mech suit hardly ever even though he has his own personal one#but on rare occasions he does and gets in this outfit and Kuvira are you okay? Are you good? Has anyone checked on her?#I feel like this outfit is what causes her to take a serious sanity hit LOL#she just drags him away by the hood and no one sees them again for like 4 hours#or she's just like “You know what I think he could use my help :)” and proceeds to be everything but helpful#idk how anything in this regime gets done I swear#the most Baatar ever used the mech suits was when they were first being built#idk dude I love a man in a working uniform sobs#I knew someone would recognize the mech pilot suit hehe that made me smile because yeah :)))#it felt good to draw Baatar again sobs I love him so much I've missed him#I do kinda wish this sketch was cleaner but I wanted to at least post it now in case I never did lol#I should to a proper illust of him in the pilot suit one day just for the pure self indulgence of it all#give myself a lill treat you know? ]#Neon Ocean Art
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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Sometimes I like to imagine telling Zooble all about how my ex friend treated me and how she abandoned me and how to this day it has affected me. I think they'd be So mad to find out someone would treat me that way
#they find out how she knew the way i felt about her and took advantage of that#and was never honesy eith me abkut anything and left me during a time when i Needed someone to talk to#and just in general how her leaving the way she did traumatized me to the point that I have never been the same and I struggle to function#and they just get So angry. they're sitting there wondering why anyone would do that to me#they don't understand how anyone could treat their partner so poorly#I think after I tell them about all kf this they make sure tk remind me as often as possible that they won't leave me#and that they Do genuinely love me and want me around#and that even when I am struggling they still love me and want ro be there for me <3#it's Very comforting to think about#🔺️🍥 Zooble 🍥🔺️
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no im still on maffhew calling the forsymaffhew lovechild a missile
#txt#missile#i have also learned ive mispronounced missile all my life at least in american terms#wdym you guys dont say mis-AISLE#the culmination of living in city where we're all 1st/2nd gen immigrants whos primary language at home is not english#anyways male equivalent of rocket... missile#sorry my queer mind can't understand that#my gender is when we played house in 2nd grade i didnt want to play because i had to be mom or dad and i went well im only playing if i get#to be like the family dog and they all got nervous because that felt mean and the teachers would scold them#and i was like nah its fine check this shit out (runs around and barks)#my gender is when the classroom got seperated into boys and girls i staunchly refused and insisted i be in my own group as a joke and#everyone was okay w that because it was the height of lolz so random! and i was the poster child for that so naturally yeah thats#charming and cute yeah tumblr user ratatatastic you can have your own group and that was the class joke and it never felt mean because#it was a small sheltered school and weve all know eo since we were like in daycare#my gender is hey i volunteered at a pride festival and ive always struggled with expressing any sort of femininity and bristled pretty#badly because it gets beat into you and after the pandemic i chilled out a lot after sitting with it and this is all to say#i got partnered with a brazilian guy because i was the only one who spoke spanish on shift at the time and while he spoke 3 languages#(eng esp por) sometimes he struggled with how to say something and changed languages like he was channel surfing which was refreshing#because i do the same thing so it was this weird culmination of both of us code switching heavily and acting as translator for eo anyways#this is all to say when i toddled in no one really knew what to make of me pronoun wise and what he decided to do instead of just ask me#like a normal person he just he/him'd me and then proceed to call me good girl in the exact same sentence and i laughed about it at the time#proceeded to file it at the back of my head for when i got home so i could despondently stare at a wall for 5 hours of what exactly that#entails about me and why it didnt bother me at all and i was like huh the panic never stops thats fun you can just have random revelations#even when youre an old dog in the game at 23 and known your gender fucker wuckery since you were like 12 like oh great#conclusion is that i dont know why god sends me his toughest battles im a crybaby AND a whiner LIKE PICK SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY#anyways hehe missile#sorry we lost the thread here
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im gonna fucking throw up istg PAY ATTENTION TOO EMEEEEEEEE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
#theres something WRONG WITH MEE AAUUUGGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHHGHHHGHG BAPPING MYSELF ON THE HEAD WHY CANT I BE ALONE#vent#car seat headrest isnt making it any better man. ive just guh#ive just been having a bad week mental heath wise dude. like ive been having thoughts of hurting myself and shits insane and i just guh.#i feel like im only desirable when i can give something to someone guh. laying on the floor and taking damage#maybe i should stop making self depreciating jokes about myself that could be it too#idk why ive been having thoughts of hurting myself either idk what could be causing it.#maybe i miss how it felt to do something i knew was wrong and that could get m in trouble if my parents found out.#idk what they would even do if they found out. theyve never noticed anything wrong with me wow im that good at hiding shit#grgh. kicking things >:[ idk what's wrong with me. maybe it's just a bad week or something i dont know#i wish i could get loved the way i love people#anyways back to our regularly scheduled posting!!! no more of all that :] normal again chat tee hee
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rambly rant in the aftermath of this whole situation. I wasn’t gonna say anything because I didn’t have anything new or smart to say
but now I really wanna implore my followers to think critically in light of tumblr “drama”. because it’s dangerous. inflammatory posts are so easy.
imagine being called some of the worst words for one second, could you as easily defend yourself? even if you knew you had done nothing, how easy does it seem to convince an angry mob that they’ve got it wrong? definitely not as easy as making the fucking post at least.
I don’t want to talk whatever allegations. its not about the post of the week. its about the culture around drama, and free-for-all that surrounds it.
the lack of critical thought and understanding that smart, grown humans are able to give these situations is sad. past blind gut reaction anger and disbelief, do yall do anything with those thoughts afterward? parroting some talking head without thought isn’t insight. the people who make these posts on anon and think that gives them free reign to do the most despicable shit,
if you wish real harm, if you doxx, if you threaten someone’s life or innocent people who aren’t even involved - you’re straight up a bad person. the person you’re calling out may be a bad person too, but there’s no way you’re the “good guy” there.
can you actually think about what you believe in regards to the thing?
some of you seem to think everyone acts in service of you and your beliefs, instead of their own reasons and beliefs.
I know angry people are gonna start shit bc you have the critical reading skills of a goldfish so again, this isn’t a judgement about the situations that have cropped up in dc spheres last few days. I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before. It’s about how y’all react to it. Drama isn’t an excuse to become a horrible person for a few days. And if you take any chance to publicly act like a shitty person, maybe you just are a shitty person.
It shows that most of you have no fucking clue of what you’re talking about. Publicly airing your problem w someone isn’t public service.
we all understand that a subjective bad interaction isn’t proof. it doesn’t criminalise someone to be shit person to talk to, but that’s 90% of the rbs.
If you have a gripe with someone, you talk about it in private, or to friends, or block them. And if you’re gonna call someone out, make sure you can line up the facts. Not assumptions.
The vagueness is so distasteful. If you don’t have enough fact to label them with that word publicly, maybe mind your business and dislike the person in quiet. no one said you’re not allowed to dislike someone.
have some fucking class. unless you’ve made sure that what you’re saying in the Whole truth, it probably isn’t. it’s your belief, and your belief isn’t any more important or right than anyone else’s. so many of you are seriously, seriously embarrassing. good job doing absolutely nothing for the betterment of anyone.
#‘I understand why dc is used’ but apparently only the dc you personally wanna consume#??#people who’ve followed me probably knew how I felt about this thing already so this shouldn’t be much of a surprise#i literally have my own gripes with a lot of the topic discussed#firsthand as a victim#yet every victim ive talked to seems to agree that even our personal gripes don’t set the rule for what someone can use to cope#if you send anonymous hate I really really genuinely don’t support you as a person#I hope you go away#bc some of the reactions to drama in the last year or so has been#foul#they’re not even cosplaying care anymore it’s just straight up any excuse to act crazy#ring ring#tw.discourse#I guess but not really bc I genuinely have nothing to say about the stupid slew of posts that have been going around
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Spoke to someone I don’t know over the phone, 11 dead, 32 injured
#I’m all flowery on here but in real life conversation I am the driest most uncomfortably pragmatic person alive#I’ve been scolded for being so task-focused that I forgot to say hello to the secretaries in high school when I went to do a task#or for having an “attitude” with my parents (often when I was purposefully trying to appear humble with an “idk” voice)#so I’ve amended that by fake laughing at everything and keeping my customer service voice on All The Time#0/10 it works flawlessly but I’ve also made myself into a socially anxious doormat#I’ve been the one to break it to people that their friend died on more than one occasion and I always feel bad about how I do it#I usually just blurt it out because I don’t know how to lead up to it other than saying “maybe you should sit down for this”#it would be wrong if I knew and didn’t tell them#so it has to be me… you know?#I’m so disconnected from any feelings of grief (I’ve never felt bereavement in my life) that it feels wrong for it to be me#because I’m physically incapable of sharing in their pain and emotions; I literally don’t understand it#but sometimes I’ll cry reflexively if I see someone else crying even if I don’t have any actual feelings for them or their situation#I’m more disturbed by knowing of people who are alive going through pain than I am by knowing someone died#because death is natural; suffering isn’t#unless the person is a child or otherwise very young#but if they’re old and lived a fulfilling life I recognize they’ve had a fulfilling life and hope that my life#is as fulfilling as theirs was when I go#I’m not afraid of death; I’d just like to not go before I’m good and ready#When I go away I hope that I WANT to go away; you know?
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