#even happier poems were made from longing rather than experiencing

[mostlikelyshutup]

to feel sad about never writing poetry anymore while also knowing that writing poetry was a reprieve from dark times and thoughts, y'know?

[tiramisiyu]

Thoughts on Xia Yan’s Anniversary/Kiss Date

Not a translation, but rather an unleashing of the many thoughts I had for his date because it made me feel so many emotions and think so many things;;

Wordcount: 2.8k

Date Translation

Preamble

Tears of Themis’ 1st anniversary features one of the most significant in-story events you can view within an otome game - the confession event between MC and respective male leads. The gravity of this confession event, however, is intensified with respect to the ML Xia Yan, as their emotions towards each other is not the only focus of said confession - he must also reveal the heartbreaking truth that his life is likely to end in three years. 

In the below sections, I will discuss the significance of various components that comprise Xia Yan’s anniversary date. My primary focuses will be on Xia Yan’s internal struggles, his care for MC, and the nature of the confession, and I aim to ultimately express why this date had such a major effect on me and whoa if you’re still reading this rambling part, I applaud you. I’m really just doing a fancy thoughtdump here.

The Nature of the Confession Event

From the beginning, XY never intended for the confession to be full of pomp and circumstance - and this was out of concern for MC, fearing that she would be too swept up in emotion to make it. Based on how the other guys’ cards look (them being outside and MC’s all dressed up), I assume that there was some ceremony-like aspect to their respective confessions, and I think that this draws a stark contrast to XY’s (who staunchly refused Yang Xiao’s offer to help make his confession just as ceremonial). In XY’s, MC’s not dressed up the way she is for the others, and both have been drenched in rain and are dissolving into tears of sadness as they speak. In addition, their desires are conflicting (rather than a situation where both parties confess and get together, and thus have coinciding interests) - despite what XY has said before, he does not want MC to be with him, while MC wants the exact opposite. It’s not a beautiful or gorgeous scene by design - instead, it’s very raw, very 狼狈 as the two lay bare their own painful emotions, discuss/cry about heavy topics, and show very vulnerable sides to each other, trying to get through to the other person. 

Speaking of showing vulnerability, the fact that Xia Yan is so anguished by what he has to say that he has to sit down and cry hits particularly hard because he has always, always tried to put on a strong face in front of MC. Whenever his illness strikes and MC sees it, such as in aquarium date or Neruda poem date, he’ll smile and/or joke about it after. When the two were talking about his posthumous letters during the RRG date, he still had a calm smile on his face. Even when he talked about being shoved into a car trunk to be “disposed of”, he was still calmly smiling. As MC noted, his job has taught him to have extreme control over his emotions, so it’s almost overwhelming, trying to imagine how much sadness pushed him to that point.

Pathetic fallacy also plays a part in increasing the impact that the confession event had. In the days leading up to the last part of the date, storms keep striking suddenly, such that it’s even described as “strange”. Storms are, of course, generally associated with less-pleasant things, such as conflict, anger, depression, difficulty, and so on. The meaning behind why they appeared suddenly or frequently is a little harder to understand, but my assumption for the frequency of the storms (rather than an ongoing storm or gloom) reflects how things could not completely “clear up” (despite uplifts in emotion from time to time) until they confronted each other with their feelings. During the confrontation, not only is the storm still going on, but they’re also harshly drenched in the cold rainwater. It is only after the kiss, after their interests finally coincide, that the storm lifts and the beautiful starry sky casts its light on Xia Yan, who was holding the majority of the conflict/sadness/depression between the two of them. (This is also highlighted in how MC notes that Xia Yan feels slightly cold (during the kiss), and she tries to transfer her warmth over to him, trying to alleviate that heavy emotion that’s wrapped itself around him.) 

The Location

The attic of their old home remains an important location for these two, and I pretty much can’t think of a better choice to set the confession. It contains their childhood memories, and it also came into play during Xia Yan’s first birthday after his return (i.e. the idea of continuing to make memories there). It’s also interesting to note that Xia Yan, from his rational mindset, did not intend to see MC… yet he still came to this place - a place that was equally meaningful to both of them, and a place where he’s likely to get lost in emotion. He may be restraining his emotions for MC’s good, yet they still show in small places. (At least, there doesn’t seem to be any logical reason for him to be there, since he wasn’t setting anything up there…)

The Humanizing and Internal Conflict of Xia Yan

I call it “humanizing” because I’ve done some commenting before on how Xia Yan has felt a little superhuman - so many skills everywhere, and rarely a moment of weakness. Now, this date really drives home that he is just human too, with the harsh reality of imminent death hanging over him (especially since we also learn a few more concrete details on exactly what his illness is). This point is brought into attention when he talks about how he’s neither able to be as brave as Schumann (who acted based on emotion) nor as silently strong as Brahms (who acted based on reason). He’s pulled in so many directions for all the things he wants - a desire to stay by MC’s side and do so much with her, whether as family or as something more, versus his rational mindset that tells him to not see her at all, to disappear from her life after, or to push her away even after her confession. There was also his “rationally” created plan in which he would give her the letter and let her decide, yet he still tries to convince her to not be with him. 

The Schumann/Brahms comparison shows how he keeps getting pulled back and forth between reason and emotion. He reveals his feelings to MC (Schumann), but wants her to make the optimal decision, which he believes is to not be with him (Brahms). He then kisses her after hearing her conviction (Schumann) and then gives her the gift that’s linked to Brahms. In realizing that he’s not able to stick to either path, he calls himself a coward - but he doesn’t need to be like either person. As MC says, his restraint is a part of his own background, and his emotional wavering is because of his care for MC - all in all, his motivations are because he is Xia Yan, not Schumann or Brahms. 

Personal Story Chapter 2 Parallels

In Xia Yan’s personal chapter 2, Yang Xiao sets up the story of 零/Zero and 玛丽薇莎/Marivisa to mirror MC and Xia Yan (respectively). The mention of what will bring Zero and MC happiness is starkly similar in these two situations:

⊳ Personal Ch.2-9

Xia Yan: 因为...这样，零会更幸福... 她不是在牺牲，她只是用自己的方式让零能幸福。Because this way, Zero would be happier… She wasn’t sacrificing herself. She was only using her own methods to make Zero happy.

MC: 但零的幸福就是她啊。But Zero’s happiness is her.

Xia Yan: 她已经无法给零幸福了。 It’s already impossible for her to give Zero happiness.

⊳ Date

Xia Yan: 如果你选择别的男人。。。只要他能给你幸福。我只会带给你不幸，我没有时间了。。。If you choose another man… As long as he can make you happy. All I can bring you is unhappiness. I don’t have much time left…

MC: 你怎么可能带给我不幸，你怎么可能做不到给我幸福。你在我身边，你的存在本身，就是我的幸福。How is it possible that you can only bring me unhappiness? How is it impossible for you to bring me happiness? You being by my side – your very existence – is my happiness. 

Yes, the Zero/Marivisa story was intentionally made to parallel these two, so it might feel moot to compare them like this. However, I still really appreciated that they brought this discussion of what brings MC/Zero happiness back, especially since XY’s chapter 2 was very major in developing his character. Back then, MC is vehement in that Zero would have been happier spending all the time he could with Marivisa, as well as even having the choice to spend that time with her. I think that this part was instrumental in Xia Yan eventually deciding to tell her the truth and letting her make her own decision (as he explicitly stated to Yang Xiao in part 1 of the date). However, he still wasn’t fully convinced by what MC said back in chapter 2, so we satisfyingly see this discussion of happiness come full circle by the end of this date, when Xia Yan finally trusts MC to make the best decision for herself. 

Xia Yan’s Considerateness

Xia Yan’s enduring consideration for MC displays itself in nearly every single action within this date. 

The flashback, when he thinks about MC potentially having to go through what the widow is now experiencing, and how his own happiness for three years isn’t worth that

His conviction to give her the right to decide in this matter that involves both of them, because he can’t be the one to decide everything

He insisted on not making it a romantic event, because he wants MC to make the best decision without having a mind clouded by emotion. He’s also made peace with the idea of not being with MC, for the sake of her long-term happiness. All he wants is for her to know the truth of his feelings and illness.

His decision to still make MC a gift to retain some aspect of the romance in the confession (but he only gives the gift after MC has made her decision, again to ensure that her mind isn’t clouded). I think the concept of the gift is particularly beautiful - the little, happy holograms of them inside the glass, as if ensuring that he will always be by her side in some way; the music that brings back their childhood memories and alludes to an enduring, quiet, and protecting love that puts the recipient first (i.e. Brahms to Clara); and the rainbow, which has its childhood memories and treasure implications that are already mentioned in the date, but it also reminded me of the miraculous double rainbow in his Lost Gold date. That double rainbow was the trigger for Xia Yan to proactively seek out a future with MC, when he took the initiative to ask MC if she could be with him to seek out more miracles. Overall, there are a lot of beautiful memories and implications wrapped up in that music box/snowglobe. 

The little comical segment where he worries about the optimal time to deliver the letter, worrying about MC’s sleep or if she’ll be able to eat well.

His stress over what he should’ve done after the letter was delivered, and how he immediately answered MC’s call out of pure worry, despite being so resolute about not answering her calls that he’d turned on airplane mode before. 

Their ensuing discussion in part 3 is just full of Xia Yan’s consideration for MC at its peak - 

Rather than being ecstatic about MC’s confession, his first instinct is to tell her to take a few days to think about it logically. (But really, emotions aren’t logical to begin with, so it’s not like MC would’ve stopped liking you after mulling it over for a few days, haha)

His immediate apology after yelling that he has to mention his death

His worry about how MC will cope after he’s gone, going so far as to saying that she would be better off with another man 

I think that this particular (above) line got a particularly visceral reaction from Xia Yan fans, including myself. Because like MC, our initial thoughts fell along the lines of “How could I ever choose someone else when the only person I like is you? There’s just no way someone else could make me happier…”. Another reaction that I’ve seen among Xia Yan fans (yep, including myself) is how we originally viewed the story in third-person, seeing “MC” in the story, but this date (and this particular scene, where MC says nearly everything that I myself would want to say) dragged us into a first-person position. 

The heartbreaking scene where Xia Yan cries from being unable to give MC the happiness that he wants to give her (or so he thinks). 

He’s just so painfully selfless. I also really like the line during the kiss where MC tries to transmit her warmth to him, trying to balance things out between them and have him feel better, when he had already written himself off by thinking that his happiness is better off sacrificed for hers. 

Jin Xian’s Voice Acting

Jin Xian’s voice acting deserves a whole section to itself, because I think that he did an amazing job of portraying the intense emotions Xia Yan feels during the date. Just going to list some lines that really hit hard - both because of the content, and because of the voice acting that really considered how Xia Yan would be feeling then. 

我可以去追她，我甚至可以和她结婚。我可以把最后的三年过得很好，过的毫无遗憾，但是然后呢？她一个人要怎么办。。。谁陪她走出来，谁来照顾她。。。(“I could pursue her. I could even marry her. I could live my last three years happily, without the slightest of regrets. But what about after? How will she cope on her own… Who will be with her as she handles this? Who will take care of her…”) The ups and downs of this section’s voicing really hit hard.

The gentleness with which he speaks about what he plans to tell MC, especially the line 她从来都是这样 (“She’s always been like that.”)

He’s so cute in Part 2!! The tone’s a lot happier and relaxed and it’s really nice to see and hear. 

In part 3, the vehemence with which he talks about how the risks of MC’s work aren’t comparable to his established time limit, which then softens into something sadder when he talks about how Yang Xiao’s efforts haven’t extended his time by much. 

The intensity when he says 我必须说 ! (“I have to say it!”) (when MC reacts to him using the word “death”), and how he immediately softens his tone after. But then his voice starts to rise again as he worries for how MC will bear his death… and then he takes a break to calm down, and then makes the suggestion of MC finding another man with a near-inflectionless tone that gradually slips into a whisper

His whispering voice makes the impact of 我在乎。。。！(I care…!) hit even harder because it’s suddenly loud, and you can clearly hear the tears in his voice. Once again, he takes a breath to calm himself down and quiet his voice. But even as he keeps talking in a voice that descends into a whisper again, you can tell that he’s still on the verge of crying…

Also the 我也。。。好喜欢，最喜欢你. (I also… like you. I like you the most) line left me screaming with how it was whispered but really strong and adamant-sounding aaaaa

Anyways I could list more but at that point I might as well list Jin Xian’s entire script lmao. He did such a good job!!!!!! 

Sound Effects 

I’m laughing at myself for including this section - if you turn off the music that accompanies Xia Yan’s card, you’ll… hear some very interesting sound effects [狗头]

They’ve got to make the most of their limited time together, after all, and this is the only date out of the set of four that’s indoors… it makes sense…

Other Thoughts 

Two kisses!!

What sort of treatment would leave Xia Yan infected with drugs with prohibited components? What were they even trying to do? 

The date was short relative to the other, super-long Themis dates, but I’m personally alright with that because it places focus on the confession itself. It hit all the points that I personally was expecting for Xia Yan’s confession, including his past struggles with the idea of staying with MC, his confession about both his feelings and his illness, and how resolute MC is about staying with him vs. how hard he tries to get her to understand the implications of being him, considering that he doesn’t have much time left. 

I think now’s a good time for the two of them to get married if they’re well aware that Xia Yan’s time is limited, so Xia Yan, where’s the ruby ring? 

I wonder what implications this will have on the main story - e.g. will the rest of NXX find out about Xia Yan’s illness in Chapter 7.2? Or will they never know? Actually, I wonder if they’ll have MC be aware of his illness in the main story because… that implies his confession happened, which might anger fans of the other boys. 

Conclusion

I love Xia Yan and I love this date. 

[purplesurveys]

1279

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends?  I don’t keep contact.

Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual?  Hmmmm, I don’t think so. I feel like that would be the type of comment that would get to me so I definitely would’ve remembered it.

Would you get a lip piercing?  I don’t plan on getting any piercings.

Nose piercing?  Nopes.

What are you currently waiting for?  For this fucking day to end so I can be closer to Thursday and to the weekend.

Do you have feelings for anyone?  Nah.

Have you ever run over an animal?  Nope. I’ve had extremely close calls with animals who suddenly dart into the road, but fortunately these have all been situations wherein I got to hit the brakes with nobody behind me.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?  That’s disgusting, no.

When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?  Sure, out of habit and just to be polite.

When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle?  I don’t think I’ve ever been on a bouncy castle, but I’ve been on a lot of bouncy other things haha, like inflatable slides, soccer balls, Anpanmans, etc. The last time would probably be a nearly a decade ago; I definitely haven’t been near one in a while.

Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk?  Well no, because the ones I’ve been on were situated in school fairs, which is the last place I would want to be drunk in.

Have you ever entered an art competition?  No, I have no justification to join one haha.

What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. < Same. 

What is one food that you detest?  Pineapples.

Did you have a rebellious phase growing up?  Yeah I was a bit of a handful to raise, but I’m in firm in my stance that it had a lot to do with the way I was raised. I grew up mostly without a father figure because my dad worked abroad and I felt neglected by my mom who had her own shit to deal with. There was no stable support system to lean on, so I ended up lashing out a lot in my puberty years. Unfortunately everyone else just saw a rebellious child and not a plea for help.

These days when I show off my achievements on social media, I’ll see congratulatory comments from my mom’s friends and she’ll usually go on about some “late bloomers grow with time” narrative and it pisses me off because nobody knows how much I’ve had to grow and mature and learn how to be happier all by myself, all from scratch. If I had just received the proper care and attention early on, I wouldn’t have had to do any catching up to begin with.

What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic.

Are you still that religion?  Jesus no. I darted out of there as soon as I gained the consciousness to think about these sorts of things.

Do you often find yourself questioning your future?  Sometimes, but I do my best to not let it get to me.

How many friends do you have on Facebook?  Over 670.

What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school?  I started with punk rock in the first half of high school, so I had my Rancids, H2Os, Against Me!s, Cro-Mags, etc on my iPod. It evolved a little bit towards more indie, folksy sounds towards the latter half - Banks, alt-J, Hozier, Twenty One Pilots - which I largely attribute to the crowd I was part of at the time.

What pet names do you use with your significant other?  I’m pretty straightforward so baby works out for me. Other, more specific pet names just grow naturally with the relationship, I think.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries?  S&R.

Have you ever seen a theatre show?  Yeah. Most of them have been required.

What’s your favourite vegetable?  Broccoli or bell peppers.

Have you ever missed a flight?  Never. I’ve experienced several delayed flights, though, which is always such a hassle especially if the delays happen in provincial airports since they never have any recreational offers to keep passengers from getting bored other than TVs that run the same damn five ads.

Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them?  Yeah, a lot of have dogs. I’ve met some.

What color is your bedroom door?  Brown.

If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans?  Only towards obsessive ones who wouldn’t give me time to breathe or would go so far so as to stalk me or my loved ones. But I am a fan too, so I imagine I would actually be understanding of those who would ask for pictures or whatever as long as they were polite and not at all intrusive.

Have you ever met your favourite band/singer?  Nah. I am terrified of meeting celebrities HAHA so I’ve always shut down the chance. I’m pretty sure I would actually turn down the chance to meet BTS if I hypothetically suddenly got the magic keys to that door.

Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like?  No. I feel like that sort of thing just happens in like high school, when your friends are still a bit judgmental. Nowadays I don’t see why I should be embarrassed of anything I like, especially if it’s not hurting anyone.

Have you ever written a story?  I’ve made attempts but was always terrible.

Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it?  My homework that required me to write said poem hahaha.

Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? 

What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child?  Watching commercials at night. It’s still a slight fear of mine but it’s mostly dissipated now.

Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you?  About me? No. I don’t have a lot of those since I was a really shy kid who barely moved a finger anyway.

In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show?  I have a *really* soft spot for Perfect Strangers, which I actually revisited yesterday :) The show was never super popular so it’s near impossible to find clips online, but when I checked YouTube I did see a slight increase in short snippets from the show so I had a really fun time binge-watching yesterday.

What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have?  Three, but that’s pushing it. Ideally, I’d have two so my first would have company.

Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness?  Mental ones, yes.

Are you comfortable with who you are?  For the most part, yes.

Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it?  No. Why would it be any of their business?

Does popularity matter to you at all?  I mean, yeah in the sense that I honestly aspire to be well-liked by as many people as possible. But I don’t necessarily want to rub shoulders with popular kids.

Would you ever consider homeschooling your children?  Continued from sometime this week ider. No. I don’t think I’m capable of teaching, and generally I’d want them to be able to learn in a more open environment where they can have regular contact with different kinds of people.

Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to?  Well Angela got into them first and since we’re best friends, there was a certain point where she just decided to loop me into conversations that involved them. I was impossible to sway for a long time, but then one day a video compilation of them showed up on my feed, and for some reason I actually watched it, and I watched all the way through, and I was immediately intrigued – particularly by J-Hope haha. I then asked Angela to tell me more about them and the rest was...financially irresponsible history HAHAHAHA

Do you ever read fanfiction?  OMG yes. Funny you should mention that because my favorite author uploaded a brand new fic this morning, which I obviously couldn’t get to all day because I had to go to work. I’ll be reading it in all its 44,000-word glory tonight :D

Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire?  Plane crash. Instant and mostly painless.

What are your top five favourite TV shows?  Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, Friends, The Crown even though I was never able to continue it since...andddd that’s all I got.

What is your favorite superhero movie?  Not a fan of superhero movies.

If you died next week, what would be the cause of death?  Stress from overworking. I’ve FINALLY started to consider taking a leave for the first time this year because I’ve just realized just how fucking exhausted, burned out, and overwhelmed I actually already am from having no rest at all in the last 13 months.

Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why?  Yes, I do mass deactivations when I’m severely depressed. These days I can’t really afford to that anymore, though, since my work is closely tied to social media.

Who is the most talented person you know?  Probably Andi.

Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with?  No.

Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? 

Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened?  Nah. I’ve had two people like me at the same time, but there was never any tension to watch out for since they mostly didn’t know each other.

Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened?  I think they know I dated Gabie and that we broke up because they’ve stopped asking about her. Everyone knew we were best friends, so the fact that they’ve avoided her as a topic for a whole year is able to tell me something.

Are your parents more liberal or conservative?  Dad’s on the liberal side, mom dances around on the spectrum a little bit. I know she’s fine with things like tattoos and having LGBTQ+ co-workers, but she’s also conservative especially towards matters like religion.

What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year?  No longer in school.

How far away does your closest family member live?  A few footsteps away.

If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland?  It’s not my type of movie/genre to begin with.

Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not?  Yes. I don’t see the big deal; I’ve already done it anyway.

Are you more liberal or conservative?  Liberal.

Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?  Ooh not sure. I haven’t gone back to the books in a while, so I don’t remember if there was anyone I had an attachment to.

What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry?  Nothing.

What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done?  Had sex...I guess? And a bunch of stuff that comes with it.

Name something that you are against.  Racial discrimination.

Why are you against it?  Because it is infuriating to see, and it shows me the very same treatment can happen to me or my family as well and that scares me, especially since some people turn particularly violent towards people of color.

Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games?  No.

Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy?  I imagine I wouldn’t enjoy it if I’m not as into whoever my next partner would be.

Beatles or Rolling Stones?  I don’t listen to either.

When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody?  Not so sure about a whole change in opinion because that hasn’t happened in a while, but I grew more grateful for my manager today because I finally mustered the strength to tell her that I’m begin to struggle mentally with work and she not only encouraged (read: begged) me to file a damn leave for once, but she also got sushi delivered to my place.

What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why?  Andi was telling me about their day today and how they handled being misgendered by a prof, who then proceeded to throw a fit when he got corrected, and how they, again, maturely handled said fit. I was proud of them because there are a million ways that incident could’ve turned out, but they dealt with it in an extremely mature and calm manner considering they were the one who was wronged.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you?  If it was about an extremely personal problem I would probably be taken aback at first, but I still would definitely make some time for them and help in however way I can, since they apparently trust me enough to confide.

What was the last thing to fascinate you?  The music video for My Universe! Super cool to watch and I love that they made a short film out of it too.

Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you?  Doors being slammed shut, because that’s what my mom does when she’s furious. She did that when I was a kid and she does it to this day, so I get extremely nervous when I hear the sound, even if it happens by accident.

Do you have a favourite microorganism? Nope.

Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next?  My cousin Bree.

If you have pet fish do you bother to name them?  I did when I had them as a kid.

Do you keep your eggs in the fridge?  Yes?

Have you ever owned chickens?  Nope.

When did you last listen to music?  Like five minutes ago. I tried to have a jazz playlist on but I realized I wasn’t in the mood for music so I changed my background noise to have a random VLive on instead. 

[diaryformytravels]

#30 Orlando (Day 4)

Morgs here. Only one week left until London, thus no more Max or Mikko!

Today we did the first of the Universal parks (the smaller one). We had a relative sleep in, but I still wanted to die upon waking. Max had a bowl of strawberries for breakfast, but after about two he decided he would get a chocolate croissant from Starbucks instead when we got to the park. This was because Jasper said this is what he was doing. I was sitting there, eating my cereal, while a family war breaks out. Max is whining, Mikko grunting something in anger, Michelle getting frustrated. After this was resolved, Mikko was checking everyone was ready, saying lets go etc, while I’m literally still sitting at the table, half-way through my cereal. It’s like I don't even exist. Last night, left out of Jasper’s poem, we were all talking in the car on the way to Disney Springs, at this moment I was speaking and midway through a sentence Mikko says “This is the Lime car park.” WTF. Max and Jasper laugh because now I’ve pointed out my invisibility and apparent muteness, they realise it happens a lot. 

Anyway, back to today. Eventually we left the apartment and stopped at Walgreens to get some insoles/shoe things for J and I, as well as some red bull. Michelle was in a bit of a mood, but we didn't know why. We got a message from Mikko saying “chop chop” followed by some similar remarks, which did not make her any happier. We all went across to Starbucks, why they didn't go while we were in the pharmacy, we’ll never know. The rest of us are in the car while Michelle is ordering, and we’re trying to figure out who angered the demon. Mikko owned up, suggesting it was because of the messages, but J and I did not agree because she was already in a state. She sent a message to the group chat reading “Not impressed with any of you. Try to remember this is also my holiday and I have taken time off work to be here.” This made me (probs J as well) a bit cranky, because we rarely get to make decisions, and are having the worst holiday ever. We found out later that she was like this because of Mikko, but actually because he was being stupid. He had been rushing her all morning and giving her more things to do (get Max’s clothes, charge his phone etc) while he did nothing. So understandable. 

Mikko dropped us at the park, and it wasn't very busy. We stopped at the Starbucks while the boys got chocolate croissants, Michelle got a coffee and the rest of us got some strawberry drink. We got through with minimal issues and began on the largest ride. I hate it. We all did it the first time. It’s pretty cool in the sense that you can choose a song before you start moving, and then it plays for the duration of the ride. There were about twenty options of different genres (I picked a Kanye West song), but at the end of the day when Max and J did it again, J discovered a secret list of over one hundred songs, so he listened to Crocodile Rock. I thought I would have time to prepare, but we basically walked straight onto the ride. The start is awful, it goes straight up, but the seats are slightly reclined and there is only a lap restraint rather than a harness, so it feels like you’re going to slip out. This goes for about thirty seconds, and then drops straight down. The rest is very fast with a few turns, at some point my vision began to dwindle, but it came back! Needless to say, I didn't do that one again. J and Max repeated while Michelle and I waited and went to the bathroom. 

Once they got off, I went to get popcorn with J but everyone insisted I get it after the next ride (even though I needed food to settle my stomach). We did the Jimmy Fallon ride, which was pretty cool. It was a 4D thing like Transformers, and made me quite motion sick and had a few jump scares (there was a shark!). After this I got my popcorn. 

Next was The Mummy. and as we were walking through the line area, J gave Max the biggest jump scare and he screamed SO loud and incredibly high pitched. J got a little scared on the ride when the mummy’s pop up on the sides (I still do too). We did it again of course, and J gave him another jump scare that worked better than the first!

Then we did Transformers, which was more motion sick inducing than I remember. Only did this one once. Next, J, Max and I did the Fast and Furious ride which is the most boring and worst thing to exist. Not to mention the fast pass ends before the line actually begun, so we still had to wait ages for it. Also encouraged motion sickness. Not loving the amount of 4D rides. We had lunch (seafood, great) where I got fish and chips. 

We then went to the Harry Potter ride, which is in Gringott’s Bank and is set in the vaults. We had to wait a long time for this because they had some technical difficulties. I had to swap spots with J in the line because Max was being such a pain and putting me in the shittiest of moods. He was complaining about how he didn't want to go to the Harry Potter shops again because we did them last time, and that he wants to go to the outlets because he “didn't buy anything” (spent all his money and J got nothing from there), was being the most spoilt and ungrateful brat I’ve ever seen and a stench of BO. Michelle says he’s self conscious about his smell, but that can't be true because he finds every excuse to not have a shower and not wear deodorant. Eventually we got on the ride and it was better than I remembered! We wanted to do it again but decided to wait until Max calmed down a bit and the line shortened. 

After having a little couple’s spat, we went to the Men in Black ride, which is a shooting thing and you earn points based on how many things you shoot. Max was determined to make it a competition. This did not end so well when he lost by a lot, him having half of my score (the second lowest at 80,000). He insisted we do it again, so we line up and get to the front, next to go on. This experienced technical difficulties as well, so after about ten minutes we leave and go back to Harry Potter. 

We get halfway through this line, only to be stuck again because of difficulties. By the time we get to the front, we have to wait again because someone chucked up on one of the carts, so they have to clean it. After this, we got some jumpers (Gryffindor and Hufflepuff of course).

We then went to get some snacks (hotdogs) and Max plays some carnival games that are very entertaining to watch because he gets really frustrated. After this we decided to head out and skip the boring rides. J and Max do the big rollercoaster again (its now he finds the secret song list), and then Mikko picks us up and we go home. 

After chilling out for a bit and me having a little nap, us and Michelle went to pick up some takeaway for dinner. We came back and feasted. We were gone for maybe half an hour to an hour, but Mikko and Max had done nothing to get ready for when we got back, so we had to set the table, find an extra chair and everything.

Tragedy struck. Jasper spilt butter chicken on his new Gryffindor jumper. Most of it has gone after vigorous attempts to remove it. He is very sad. But if it cannot be fixed, Michelle said she will purchase another for him tomorrow. 

Off to bed now, got to get an early start! Missing you guys and home on Australia Day!!

Love xx

[shelleyseale]

12 Days of Giving: The Gift of Nature Through the Japanese Art of Forest Bathing

This is the first in our special "12 Days of Giving" series running for the holiday season. It's a little different from what you might think of as traditional presents or giving. We aren't really talking about stuff you buy or a gift list. Rather, on these 12 days, we will be talking about different gifts that you can give to yourself, or others — gifts that have a deeper meaning, that can help you live with intention, be happier, be healthier. Soul gifts, you might even call them. Join us on the journey. The Gift of Nature: Connecting with the Natural World Through the Japanese Art of Forest Bathing

It's that moment when you step away from the man-made world and into the natural one, that your senses seem to heighten, your body's stress levels lower, and your mind's always-churning to-do list begins to quiet. Whether  it's a five-minute walk through your local park or sit in your own backyard, a miles-long hike in a forest, or a multi-day or week camping trip: there's always that sense of peace. Relaxation. Of coming home. This, my friends, is what we were born into — the natural world. This is where we originated from, and where we are meant to be. Our ancestors had no skyscrapers, cars, shopping malls, computers. They were fully engaged with nature for everything: their food, medicine, homes, livelihood and very existence. But for most of us living in today's busy, modern society, that world seems all too far away most of the time. And so we become more and more disconnected. More harried and stressed. More tied to technology, until we're unsure if we own our devices or if they own us. There's always something else to do, to think about, somewhere else to go, another mission to accomplish. But sometimes, we need to just slow down. Don't get me wrong here — I'm no hard-core outdoors type of person. Don't think I'm coming to you as one of those bad-asses who runs marathons or wild camps in the remote wilderness. My idea of camping firmly includes hot, running water, a comfortable sleeping spot, and wine. At the same time, I connect with nature at a primal level, and on a regular basis. We all do. But if you're anything like me, it's not nearly enough. You may sometimes wonder, like I do, how we can more easily disconnect for an hour, even, and let the healing, calming force of nature root us down again.

Welcome to shinrin-yoku, a Japanese tradition that is loosely defined as "forest bathing." I was introduced to this concept a couple of weeks ago — I had never heard the term before. What is this forest bathing, I wondered. Is it some kind of weird ritual where I have to go in the woods and jump in a river or unclothe and roll around in the grass or something? It sounded a little hippy-dippy, to be honest — but I'm kind of a granola, hippy-dippy kinda girl and always interested to learn something new. So, I was intrigued. Shinrin-yoku, forest bathing, as it turns out is simply this: a full sensory immersion in the beauty and wonder of nature.

It's experiencing nature with all your senses — not just seeing it, or touching it as you walk through it, but hearing it, smelling it, even tasting it. A raindrop on your tongue. The way a stream sounds as it gurgles over the rocks beside you. That hint of pine in the air as you enter a stand of conifer trees. It's letting nature wash over you. Rooted in the ancient Japanese reverence for nature, the practice of shinrin-yoku was started in Japan in the early 1980s, as a program to try and get the overworked citizens of Tokyo and other large cities to leave the urban areas for short periods of time, to spend some quiet, healing time in a nearby forest. Today, there are many designated shinrin-yoku forest and trails throughout Japan, and hundreds of thousands of people immerse themselves in them each year — taking advantage of the way nature restores mental equilibrium and physical health.

Melanie Choukas-Bradley I learned all of this from Melanie Choukas-Bradley, a Certified Nature and Forest Therapy Guide. Based out of Washington, D.C., Melanie has traveled throughout Japan participating in forest bathing walks led by shinrin-yoku guides; and she's the author of The Joy of Forest Bathing: Reconnect With Wild Places & Rejuvenate Your Life. I was invited on a forest bathing walk led by her, taking place at YMCA's Camp Moody in Buda, Texas, just south of where I live in Austin. I arrived at Camp Moody that morning with an eagerness to learn more about this practice, connect with nature and explore something new. Melanie, who had what she calls a "free-range childhood," writes in her book that most of us have very early, strong memories of experiences with nature. For her, it was the first time she saw a perfect snowflake. I was walking home from school on a path through the woods when a single snow crystal landed on a flat, dark rock in front of me. I knelt down and watched more snowflakes fall from the sky and land on the rock, each one perfect, each one unique, but perhaps none as perfect as the first. The dream-like quality of the snowflake memory is much like my other childhood memories of nature enchantment: finding the first woodland wildflowers just after snow melt in the spring; lying on a bed of moss and looking up into the leafy branches of a white birch tree; diving into a cold ocean wave and then burying myself in the warm sand. Childhood nature memories can easily be called up by a specific fragrance, a sound, a sight, or a general feeling of well-being. Melanie was there to greet our small group of about eight at the main pavilion of the camp, which is pretty much undeveloped land right now — seeming to make it a perfect location for forest bathing. Camp Moody is an 85-acre multi-use site for day and overnight camps, group events, retreats and outdoor education. Nestled along Onion Creek and scenic limestone bluffs, the YMCA has big plans for some really cool development of the property that was donated by George Yonge in 1999, which includes cabins, dining and recreational facilities to fit in with the natural world around it.

Photo courtesy of YMCA Camp Moody Megan Arnold with the YMCA said that the goal of Camp Moody is to connect families to nature. "With kids being connected to technology about seven-and-a-half hours per day, we're raising a generation that isn't connected to nature," she said. "They might not care about preservation, our national parks, etc. We want to change that." In keeping with the Y mission, they are also making sure Camp Moody is accessible to all, financially, geographically and physical ability-wise.

Before we began the walk, Melanie set our expectations. "This isn't going to be a vigorous, aerobic 'hike,'" she said. "It isn't goal-oriented; the point is to go slow, to take it all in, to be aware of the surroundings and discover the nature around us." What she was saying reminded me of what John Muir said about hiking: "I don't like either the word or the thing. People ought to saunter in the mountains - not hike! Do you know the origin of that word 'saunter?' It's a beautiful word. Away back in the Middle Ages people used to go on pilgrimages to the Holy Land, and when people in the villages through which they passed asked where they were going, they would reply, 'A la sainte terre — To the Holy Land.' And so they became known as sainte-terre-ers, or saunterers. Now these mountains are our Holy Land, and we ought to saunter through them reverently, not 'hike' through them." ~John Muir And so we set out on our "saunter" — or rather, our forest bathing, a notion that I suspect that John Muir would have liked a great deal. Melanie invited us to walk in silence, to just enjoy the peace of nature and use all our sense to take it in as we moved through it. After a few minutes we reached the banks of a gurgling creek and paused for the first of her invitations. As we moved along our walk through nature, Melanie would issue an invitation for us to choose to take or leave. Listen to what you hear; notice what is moving around you; choose something that speaks to you. Every so often we would stop, and each person could share with the group if they so chose. At one spot down by a small running stream, we took a longer pause to find our own little spot and spend silent time immersing ourselves in the forest. The water running over the rocks was so soothing, and already — after less than half an hour in nature — I was feeling gloriously, refreshingly disconnected from the outside world. It would all still be waiting for me when I got back to it. so there was no need to do anything except be fully present in this moment. To enjoy the feeling of being once again primally connected to the earth and where we came from, and away from the hustle-and-bustle of modern life. I listened to the water, breathed in the clear air deeply, and became intrigued with a fuzzy caterpillar making its way over leaf by leaf in the little stream. Melanie had told us a little about the mountains of research that has shown what a real, measurable positive effect time spent in nature has on us. It's been proven to lower our blood pressure, pulse rates and cortisol levels; increase heart rate variability (this is a good thing!); and improve mood. As her book on forest bathing says, plants generate compounds called phytoncides to protect themselves from pathogens, and when we are in nature, these same airborne phytoncides that we breath in may even help protect our human bodies in ways that could increase our immunity to things like cancer and other diseases. The physical, mental and emotional health benefits of time spent in nature have been corroborated by researchers in North America, the U.K., Europe, China and South Korea. I believed it. I felt it. As our walk came to an end, we gathered in a clearing to enjoy a tea ceremony, and one of our group read the very appropriate poem, Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver. You can start your own forest bathing practice in your own adopted ���wild home,” encompassed in three steps: 1. Disengagement from your daily routine 2. Deep breathing and nature connection through a series of quiet activities or “invitations” 3. Transitioning back to your daily life This restorative activity can be enjoyed by people of all ages and abilities: children, teenagers, and even senior citizens with limited mobility and people recovering from illness and surgery. And you don’t need to travel to the Japanese alps to experience the benefits of forest bathing. All you need is a small patch of untouched (or lightly touched) nature to adopt as your “wild home.”

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[blueboxshenanigans11]

Betrayed Stars

Eleven x Reader

Request: Anon Asked: 17 with either the tenth or eleventh doctor

Hello Anon. First off; I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED THIS SOONER. I feel so horrible that I have not gotten this up for you until now, but I hope you enjoy what I came up with. Life has been…well, life. Thank you for your support, and I hope you still are here to follow and read! This is a sequel to New Beginnings, Old Endings and is a bit of a long one. I hope you enjoy the read. THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME. Xoxo

Title: Betrayed Stars

Word Count: 6,116

Warnings: Death, grieving (and all the things that come with that like depression, anger, etc.), cursing.

You sat in your bay window looking out onto the cityscape, rain pelting down onto the glass. The book you were reading laying half open in your lap, your fingers being the only thing from losing your page number. You were so entranced by the rain that you hadn’t heard the door creak open behind you, or the soft footsteps that traveled over to you until one arm settled on your lap, and the other snaked behind you. You jumped, startled by the sudden contact and when your head snapped to turn in the direction of where the embrace was coming from you were greeted with a quick kiss from your boyfriend, Bo. “Why hello there.” You greeted a smile growing on your lips. “Hi there bookworm.” He replied, kissing you again while the smile was still on your lips. When he broke away, he sighed happily and let his chin rest on your leg looking out to the rain painted streets of the city.

“So smiley?” You observed, not caring about the view that laid outside your window, completely taken by his handsome face. “I love kissing you when you’re smiling.” He claimed, peeking up at you with only his eyes. “And why is that?” “Because, I can feel your happiness. I can actually feel it against my lips, and I love feeling your happiness.” He explained in a matter-of-fact way. You shifted your body to face him as you put your book to the side, not caring about the page. He shifted with you so he was kneeling between your legs while still having his arms around your waist. You took his face in your hands and had his deep blue orbs look into your Y/E/C ones. You were of course, smiling even bigger now at his sweet words, and kissed him again not letting the smile fade for a second. You felt his smile grow underneath your lips and the two of you started to chuckle at one another under the kisses. “I felt your happiness there.” You claimed, running your finger through his light brown hair, taking in every feature he had. “You make me happy.” You noted, feeling your stomach flutter at his gaze. “And you make me happy Y/N. Happier than you’ll ever know.” He responded, pulling himself closer to you. You leaned into him and set your forehead against his, electric shocks of love, and warmth radiating through your whole body. “Love you always Y/N.” He declared, looking up into your eyes. “Love you always Bo.”

That was the last night you spent with him. Some of the last things you had said to him. One of the last times you held him in your arms. The last time he would look at you, hold you, kiss you, love you…The last time you would feel whole and happy again.

You sat in the Tardis library with the same book in your hand from that night, tears falling down your cheeks as you reminisced on the memory of him. You saw the now tear stained pages, and quickly swiped them from the pages and your face with your sweater sleeve. A loud bang came from another part of the library, and you knew it was the Doctor fumbling about with some thing or another. His familiar footsteps wandered about the place as if he was looking for something specific, but you had no idea what. “Y/N! If you like poems, you’ll have to read this book I found. It’s one from a planet called Bonkreda, some the greatest writers of that galaxy wrote these! I remember I went there once for a festival and it was absolutely wonderful!” He chatted from around the corner. As you quickly sniffled and wiped your eyes with your sleeve and quickly tried to turn the pages of your book as if you were reading it. However, he caught you in the act and immediately fell silent, looking at you with concern in his eyes.  

“Y/N?” He asked quietly, not sure if asking if you were alright was really the right thing to ask. “Hm? Yeah Doctor?” You responded, looking from your book back up to him, forcing a half smile. The Doctor didn’t know whether to go to you, or keep his distance with you at the moment, knowing what you had gone through and how you were struggling. He made small steps towards you as he tried to gauge what your reaction would be. “Do you need me to do anything?” He finally asked you, and you only shook your head. “Y/N…I’m so sorry.” Was all he could muster to say. You felt a stab of pain twist in your stomach that made you feel like you were going to vomit. “Doctor I’m fine.” You coldly stated, standing up and rushing past him for the exit. “Y/N? Y/N!” He called after you, but your feet kept moving until you left the library and continued down the hallways until you reached your room. As soon as you closed the door you burst into tears and slid down to the floor, the door being your only force of support. You noticed you had brought the book with you, and threw it as hard as you could across the room before bringing your hands up to cover your face in a vain attempt to keep what little pieces you had left, somewhat put together.

Once you had calmed down, you willed yourself to get up off the floor and move to the bed. You laid flat on your back and stared up at the ceiling, feeling numb. Tears continued to float down your cheeks, leaving trails of sadness streaking your face. It had been four months since you lost Bo, and the days didn’t feel like they were going to be getting any easier. You knew Bo wouldn’t want to see you like this, and would have wanted you to live your life. You also knew that people that wish you to live your life like normal after losing the one person that meant the universe to you, have probably never experienced it themselves. The day replayed in your head over and over again. Each analysis coming up short on what exactly you could have done differently to save Bo. You hoped that the more you had replayed the memory in your mind, the quicker the memory of that day would dissipate into the farthest reaches of your head; but no matter how many times you would replay the memory, of the memory, of the memory, everything was vivid, clear, and not ceasing from making your mind slowly unhinge itself from reality.

The Doctor had come back to your flat completely unannounced. He had knocked frantically on your door before you answered, and you were taken aback when you were greeted with the familiar, sparkling green eyes. Those very orbs looked like they were full of worry and dread until you had answered, relief flooding his entire body as soon as you locked eyes for the first time in a year. You had let the Doctor go because of Bo, and you had no idea why he would think it sensible to come back. After a rather heated reunion, filled with confusion, fear, and a touch of anger, the Doctor had explained he had heard of things called weeping angels in your city, and had to be sure you were still safe and in your own place in time. You had reassured him you and Bo were doing fine, ready to get back into your apartment and try to continue your life when Bo had come out, coming face to face with the alien that you had traveled through time and space with for the first time. There was more confusion, and anger shed between the three of you until you had finally told Bo everything. You weren’t surprised that he had such an easy-going reaction, but you couldn’t help but wonder if Bo really was believing everything you said.

“This is shit straight out of X-Files or something,” Bo claimed with a somber look as he crossed his arms. “So, you guys are like, the Scully and Molder of the universe then?” He asked darting glances between you and the Doctor. “I mean, I suppose you could say that. But it doesn’t even matter because I am here, and he goes off and travels, and discovers new things, and he just…. he does that by himself now.” You snapped off the tip of your tongue, really not wanting to give anyone ideas that all three of you should jump in the Tardis and blast off into time and space. The Doctor gave a weak smile, and looked from you to the ground before looking back up at Bo, clearly having been jabbed by your comments. You felt a twang of guilt as you recognized the familiar gesture. “Unless of course you do have a new, um, companion? Where are they?” You professed in an attempt to smooth out your previous jabs. “No you were right before, just me. But that’s not why I’m here, and I don’t think you fully understand what I am asking from you Y/N. And, I guess, you too Bo.” You stepped closer to Bo’s side and crossed your arms over your chest. You didn’t even know what he was going to ask, but anything that would involve him not only ask for your help, but Bo’s as well, couldn’t be good. “Well? What is it then?” You asked, your defenses up so high that it could wrap you and Bo both into a figurative fortress. “I need you to take me to find the angels.”

You were reluctant. Of course you were. You had to be. The Doctor had explained what the weeping angels were, and what they did in more detail, and it terrified you. You didn’t want to be zapped into another place in time to be stuck there to live out your days. As the Doctor waited for an answer, before you could say anything about the whole thing being too risky, Bo had answered that he wanted to help the Doctor find the creatures. “Bo! What are you doing?” You hissed, shocked that he would want any part in something like this. “There are unexplainable things happening right now Y/N, if this guy that thinks I can help in any way I want to. Plus, you did this a lot it seems, I want to see what’s it like too.” He looked into your worried eyes, and he gave you a reassuring squeeze on your leg and kissed your temple. “Y/N, it’ll be fine.” He whispered before looking back at the Doctor, “Let’s do it Doc.” The Doctor had slightly cringed at this new nickname he had acquired from Bo, but forced a smile before a serious look fell onto his face. “Let’s get the angels out of here.”

You had gone through what felt like every single park, cemetery, and building with any sort of statue and yet there were absolutely no signs of these angels. You had started to feel comfortable again, as if the threat of danger had only been a false alarm. “Where are they?!” The Doctor yelled when you all had got back into the Tardis. “Doctor, are you sure you’re information is correct? Right time? Right place?” You queried, watching Bo from the corner of your eye at how amazed he was about being in the Tardis. Watching Bo’s bewilderment flashed you back to when you first step foot into the blue police box. You must have had a similar reaction, as you were sure everyone had that encountered the Doctor and his space ship. However, you also knew it was a very personal experience to know that all the boundaries and limitations you once knew of where shattered and now the infinite possibilities could be just beyond the threshold of the Tardis doors of the push of a button. Watching Bo made you forget the mission at hand, and you couldn’t help but let the small smile that laid upon your face stay there.

The Doctor soon jerked you out of your thoughts as he answered, “Yes! Yes of course I’m sure Y/N! They are hiding out really well this time…Maybe they haven’t come out of dormancy yet? No then why would the Tardis alert me otherwise?” The Doctor continued to ramble on like this, taking a look at the screens the console had attached to it, and took off once again to a new location. You clung onto Bo as the Tardis jolted about before finally taking her landing. According to the Doctor, you were at another cemetery that had long since been rooted up. When you had stepped out of the Tardis doors behind the Doctor, you found yourself in a murky, dim place. The area surrounding was covered in brush, different kinds of trees, and all sorts of other wildlife. The area was covered with greens and browns, everything surrounding making you feel cold and damp. “Remember, do not blink if you spy any sort of statue that seems to be out of place or looking back at you.” The Doctor warned, stepping among the twigs and leaves. You had walked about the large area for over an hour when you had decided to go back to the Tardis. Everything seemed fine, as if everything was going to actually be okay and there really wasn’t anything to worry about…

The Tardis was still some ways ahead of your little troupe, when Bo fell to the ground hard, breaking sticks and rustling leaves in the tumble down. “Oh my god – Are you okay Mr. Clumsy?” You asked, seeing him blow his hair from his eyes before looking back at you. “Yeah, I think so. I just tripped on a root I think.” He claimed, turning his body to look behind him to assess the damage he might have done. But he wasn’t greeted with a large stick, rock, or uprooted tree when he looked down at his ankle. He spied a hand clawed around his leg and it was gripping with force. “What the fuck?” Bo startled, trying to wring his leg out of the hand hoping it would let him free. He went to touch the stone hand, when the Doctor quickly intervened, “NO! No, no don’t touch it!” He shouted, rushing over to Bo while swishing out his sonic screwdriver. “How the hell is it doing this? What the hell is it doing?” The Doctor asked frantically, immediately sending you into a panic. You went over to Bo and let yourself fall onto your hand and knees next to him, trying to see if you could be helpful in any way. The Doctor was walking around the immediate are, his sonic buzzing on. “It’s gripping onto you too tightly. Why won’t it let you go, Doctor why isn’t it letting go of him??” You were trying to pull Bo across the ground to see if he could somehow slide out of this situation, but he wasn’t able to budge any farther than the length of his leg. Your face snapped up to the Doctor to see what he could be doing, and your heart sank into the pit of your gut. He had that look on his face. On his whole body. That look that would spread through him and turn his blood cold, and show that things have turned for the worst... “It was a trap…”

“They’re coming. More than one. A group of three or four? They are coming. From underground. I did not plan for this…Oh shit I did not think that…” “Do you ever plan for shit to happen Doctor?” You shot, looking all around you to see where other hands may be popping up. Bo frantically looked from between you and the Doctor again, seeing all the color having flushed from your usual Y/S/C skin. In that moment of no one staring at the hand, sure enough more of the angel had crawled from the depths of dirt, and a viscous looking face with bared teeth greeting you and Bo. “Doctor!” You cried out, immediately staring at the face and willing yourself not to blink.

After that, everything felt that it was going in slow motion, and at super speed all at the same time. You and the Doctor had attempted to yank and pull Bo free, failing every attempt as Bo locked his eyes not only on the one angel, but now the set of three. The Doctor’s eyes shot from staring at the angels, back to you, then to Bo repeatedly, trying to think of something but there was only one thing ringing through his head no matter what solution he would try to think of. “We need to leave.” The Doctor panted, turning to look at you. You shot daggers from your eyes at the Doctor before quickly turning back to stare at the angels to try and get them to stay where they were. “We are not leaving. No. This was not a part of the plan, we do not leave without Bo.” You stated, not budging from your spot as the Doctor stood up and began to take a few steps back. “Y/N, we can’t...we have to go!” He yelled, knowing the look you would have on your face. “NO DOCTOR!” You exclaimed over your shoulder, gripping onto Bo still attempting to wriggle him free. Tears had begun to fall from your eyes. You had started to feel the entirety of panic and fear reverberate through your being. You felt your blood turn from cold to hot over and over again. You couldn’t leave him. You wouldn’t leave him…

You and the Doctor had continued to fight, but he had kept his distance from you and Bo not wanting to get distracted and then all three of you be thrown into another time. Bo had no idea what he was about to do, all he knew was that he needed you to be safe. He needed you to go with the Doctor and be safe. He was terrified, and he didn’t know if he could go anywhere in this world, or any world for that matter, without you. Bo wrapped himself around you as much as he could, and squeezed you hard. You squeezed him back, tears making it near impossible to keep your vision clear. “Bo, Bo I, if I could just…Just please! Please get out!” You had yelled, vainly attempting to ignore the now solidified inevitable. “Bo, I love you. I love you so much…I can’t go, I can’t leave you.” “Y/N  you –“ The Doctor started but you cut him off, “No! No Doctor! I am going to be going with him! I will not leave him!” Bo squeezed your waist hard, and leaned the best he could to talk into your ear, as he tried to calm you down. “Y/N. I love you. I will always love you. Sweetheart, I’m going to be fine. You need to go. I’m not mad at you, I’m so sorry I put us in this position…But you have a time machine after all…”  “Bo! No! No, It will…I can’t do this without you! I can’t live without you!” You cried, the Doctor struggling to keep himself at bay, not knowing if he could live without you himself. “You are my universe Bo, I gave up all of the universes combined because you were the only person that mattered. The only person that made all of time and space second rate. If you go…If I have to face the world without you…I don’t think I can.” You uttered as you painstakingly stared into the cold eyes of the angel in front of you, just waiting for any moment to pounce. “Y/N…Look for me? Look for me love, I won’t be away from you forever.” Your body had slumped down into his, hugging him tightly. You promised you would under your breath through your cries. You hadn’t felt his grip around you grow tighter, you didn’t feel him positioning you to get you away from him and to the Doctor so you could escape. Then he uttered, “Smile for me Y/N.” Then his lips were crashing onto yours, you gave a small smile, feeling his grow under your lips as well. You opened your eyes, and were greeted by his blue ones, but before either of you could say another word, before you could hold him, kiss him, or even try to save him…He vanished. Replaced by a frozen, stone face of an angel.

The rest of the memory was cloudy. You knew you screamed in agony. You knew you were sobbing. You knew the Doctor had carried you to the Tardis and threw yourselves inside the safety of the blue box. You know he held you on the floor after you took off for hours as you wept in his lap. The minutes after Bo was taken from you had turned to hours, days, now months and your wish had still remained that you had been taken with Bo, or would have never agreed to help the Doctor.

You weren’t sure how many times you had drifted into sleep, and you weren’t sure when the Doctor had come into your room, but when you came out of another daze. He was sitting on the floor by the foot of your bed. You didn’t look down at him because you knew that looking at him you would most likely start to cry again. You both let each other be, the room filled with silence and breathing. After a while, the Doctor finally asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” Another lurch of pain stabbed you through your core and before you could answer your usual ‘no’, you had viscerally replied, “Is he safe?” The Doctor was taken back by your question, and began to say his usual fillers as he attempted to find an answer or perhaps another question. “Yes or no Doctor. Is Bo safe?” You articulated, sitting yourself up to look him in the eye. In the lamp light, his eyes looked as if there was a fire crackling within them surrounded by the gentle green. At first he wouldn’t look you in the eye, and when he finally did he claimed; “I don’t know.” “How could you not know Doctor? You must know something. You knew about the angels, you knew they were in our time, you took us to where they were, you knew it was a bloody trap for Christ sakes!” You rambled, looking up at the ceiling, the Doctor shifting to sit on the foot of your bed.  “Y/N, I’m sorry you’re still feeling this way. It hurts. I know it does…if there was a way that I could help, make you not feel this way I would do it in a heartbeat but I –“ “I wouldn’t be feeling this way if you hadn’t come in the first place. Why did you come Doctor? Why did you seek out my help?” “Because who else would I have gone to? Who else would have known what to do to help me get to the bottom of things?” “Well it wasn’t me! And Bo sacrificed himself so we could fly away, and now I don’t even know if he’s safe or not! I need to find him! I need to get back to him!” You cried while pacing the room, the Doctor doing nothing but watching you from your bed. “The Tardis will know where to go.” You claimed under your breath, and quickly bee-lined it to the control room. “Y/N? Y/N! Wait!” He called after you, soon putting his long legs into motion after you. “No, no, no, no…” The Doctor muttered as he traveled down the vast hallway watching your quick feet once again put him at a disadvantage.

As you finally got into the console room, you gracefully let your hand graze the center console with your hand giving the Tardis energy before pulling down a screen to see where the Tardis would need to go. As your melancholy hands punched in buttons and typed away, the Tardis gave back energy that filled you with something you couldn’t put your finger on. It was as if you were feeling someone feel sorry for you for something that they couldn’t explain. You were more confused than ever, but you tried to shake it as you continued to try and search for where you could find Bo if possible.

You heard the Doctor calling after you, telling you to stop, and to wait but you didn’t listen. By the time he had finally made it next to you, you had already found Bo. You stood staring at the screen with a blank expression that the Doctor couldn’t read. The Doctor looked over your shoulder and saw what he was afraid you would find; A cemetery. Neither of you uttered a word as you stared at the flickering screen, unsure exactly how to process what was being seen. “Y/N…I, there is an explanation, like I said the angels can transport people back in time. I can’t tell you how they do it, and sometimes I don’t even know why, but they do, and –“ “He’s dead.” You interrupted softly, unable to find he power to talk any louder than a whisper. “Y/N, I –“ “Bo is dead. Bo is dead and you knew didn’t you?” The Doctor immediately fell silent, something you hardly experienced with him. No usual explanations, ponderings, or words of comfort…just silence. A silence that gave you the heart wrenching answer he attempted to avoid with words. The quiet that engulfed the two of you, soon was filled with a small chortle that escaped your lips, turned giggle, turned laughter. Before you knew it you were hysterically laughing, the Doctor looking on you with concerned eyes.

Hot tears began to fall from your eyes, a stir of emotions churning through your body. You spun on your heel to face the Doctor, startling him with your erratic movement. “You killed him! You killed my best friend and that’s the worst thing you could have possibly done, and you knew that!” You bawled, looking at him from head to toe, unsure of the person that stood before you. “Y/N, no, that is not what happened! I would never hurt you like that, and you know that!” “Then how did this happen!? We were fine before you came around! Bo and I…we were perfect, and then the moment you come…you leave your destruction not only behind, but with you. You having me hear is just a reminder of the destruction you’ve done to me. To your…companion…” You calculated, turning away from him. “Y/N…if I had the chance to go back and never go to you I would do it. If I could put myself in his place so he would still be here with you I would do it! I would die for you…You know I didn’t have a choice –“ “What? You didn’t have a choice?” You interrupted, fury beginning to fill you fully.  The Doctor stared at you with disbelief, pain seeping from his aura.

He wanted desperately to go to you and hold you tight to him, but when he tried to walk to you, you took as many steps backing away from him. This man you thought you knew inside and out, the one that you had traveled and experienced so much with had betrayed you. He betrayed you so deeply, he didn’t even look like the Doctor to you anymore. This person…this alien, standing in front of you was a stranger you wanted nothing to do with, and never see again.

Amidst your manic state, you took a deep breath, feeling the air filling your lungs and allowing yourself run cold. Once again, you felt nothing but numbness, attempting to keep the pain at bay so you could think clearly. You looked the Doctor in the eye, feeling sober as you tried to find words, but nothing was coming out from your lips. “Y/N…I love you. I have always loved you, and I am so, so sorry this has happened, and I wish I could take it back but I can’t…You know I can’t. I want to die knowing how much this has hurt you…I love you…I’m so sorry…” He uttered pleadingly, tears breaking his own barriers and slowly slipping down his sharp cheeks. His words ripped your heart in two, and you found yourself struggling to breathe again. You wanted to believe him so badly, but you couldn’t. You never could believe that he loved you.

“No. No you don’t get to say that to me now. You do not have the right to say that to me.” You claimed coldly, attempting to hold back anymore tears from falling. “How dare you say that now. After all of this, after everything you did.” “What I did? You know I didn’t have a choice! I couldn’t -” “You always have a fucking choice! And you chose to let him die! In some selfish, vain attempt to get me back! I was supposed to go with Bo too. I was supposed to die with him!” You shouted in his face, ice running through your blood. He stood with a sense of fear in his face, and took a few steps back as you somehow found the strength to step forward. "You say everything happens for a reason? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit! The reason anything happens is because of you! The reason is you! Not some enigma the universe has within it, not because of a fucking butterfly flapping its puny wings. It’s because of you all of this has happened, is happening, and ever will happen. And what was supposed to happen, was Bo and I were supposed to be transported to some other time in some other place. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to die together. And even if we weren’t, who do you think you are to try and change that?” Before the Doctor could begin to answer, you faced the screen showing the tombstone with Bo’s name carved into it. You gently touched the screen, wishing that somehow Bo would appear on the other side making everything okay. You closed your eyes, letting your head fall as you looked at the grated floor.

“Take me to where this is. Take me there now.” You demanded, still looking away from the Doctor. “Y/N, Y/N please just listen to me,” “I said, take me to where Bo is Doctor. Take me there now. I am not listening to you anymore; all I want is you to fly your bloody spaceship to where Bo is buried.” You articulated, stepping away from the screen and rounding your way to the entrance of the Tardis. You heard the Doctor’s heavy footsteps follow you before halting. You could feel the Doctor’s eyes bore into your back, but you kept yourself facing away, knowing that if you turned to see him it may be the end of it and you’d melt into a heap that the Doctor could scoop up and hope to mend. But you didn’t want to be mended by the Doctor. You didn’t need him to try and fix his mistake that he made with you. You needed to heal on your own. After what felt like an eternity of silence in the ominous control room, the Doctor’s footsteps made their way back to the console, and you heard his large hands beginning to flip switches and pull levers to send the Tardis into the time, space continuum.

The familiar wheezing ended as soon as it began, and you felt the reliable spaceship gently land back on the Earth, and just outside would be the solidifying reality that you were terrified to face. There were still no words shared between you and the Doctor. Just uneasy, broken breaths. You placed your hand onto the rugged, white wood grain letting your hand slide down to the handle. You gripped it so tightly your knuckles began to turn white. You knew this is what you wanted, what you needed, but a part of you was still poking you to stay. “Do not come find me…I can never be with you again.” “Please don’t do this…” The Doctor begged, not sure what else he could say to keep you. You shook your head slowly, not daring to turn to face him. Not even for one last time. “Goodbye Doctor. Goodbye forever.” You pledged. And before a full breath could fill you and give the Doctor another chance to try and convince you to stay, you rushed out of the Tardis doors for the last time. This last time, being utterly alone.

You felt the Tardis door closing rattle through your bones, and your eyes quickly scanned your surroundings. You were in a cemetery. The same one that was on the screen only moments before. The air that flowed through your nostrils was bitter with a chill, and the tears that had stained your face stung a little sharper than before. Your eyes soon fell on a simple stone in front of you, and you felt your whole body become frozen. You pushed yourself forward before crumpling to the ground in front of it, reading; “Robert Callum Murphy. November 26th, 1990 – April 5th,  2067. May my love smile always.” There were so many questions that filled your head, but all you could do was stare at the cold stone in front of you. You knew that the final note was for you, and you felt your heart being stabbed as you thought of him thinking of you. You were in the future. You didn’t know how you were going to make it, but that didn’t matter at the moment. If Bo could do it, so could you. Your fingers traced the cold stones letters and that was as close as you’d be to Bo for the rest of your life.

The Doctor was watching you through a small opening in the Tardis doors, seeing if you needed to come back in, come to him and let him take you away again. But you didn’t turn around, you didn’t come back to him. It was as if the Tardis, the adventures, and him were wiped from your memory as you took your first steps out of the doors. The Doctor closed the door, leaning against it as quietly sobbed before making his way to the console to begin the process of leaving. Leaving you was the hardest thing he has ever done. His hearts were broken, and crippled his soul as he thought of everything that had happened. “Well ol’ girl…let’s find our way shall we?” He uttered to the spaceship, gently petting the smooth metal of the console. He would never forget you, but he would never forgive himself for everything he had done.

You felt a gush of wind as the Tardis began to wheeze, you knew it would be disappearing and it would be over. The wheezing dissipated into nothing, and when you turned around, the giant blue box stood there no more. You turned back to the tombstone trying to picture what it might say if both of you had been together and lived your lives until the very end. “I’m so sorry Bo…I am so sorry…” You whispered, placing your hair back behind your ear. You leaned forward and forced a smile to come onto your face before placing a soft kiss onto the smooth surface. “I love you. Always.” You proclaimed knowing he would have been smiling under your lips if he could. You were going to be starting a new life here in this time and place, and you didn’t know what that all entailed. The one thing you were sure of were the stars would never look the same. They were never going to shine as bright as they had before, and they would never give you a thrill like they once gave you. Your stars were gone, but you weren’t going to give up on finding a way to shine again. You knew Bo would want you to shine and light your own path to happiness, and that was what you were going to do. You were going to find your own universe that filled you to your core, and you were going to do it one step at a time.

[caveartfair]

Alec Soth Spent a Year Meditating and Nearly Quit Photography. Now He’s Back

Sonya and Dombrovsky. Odessa., 2018. Alec Soth Fraenkel Gallery

When I dialed photographer Alec Soth’s studio number from New York, I found myself wishing I were in Minneapolis. An interview befitting his latest monograph, I Know How Furiously Your Heart Is Beating (2019), would have ideally taken place in person in the abandoned farmhouse he bought a few years ago. There, in the place where he reassessed his photography practice, and nearly gave it up altogether, I would gaze upon the interior details—light coming through the window; a book, half-open—that would, together, build a picture of his life. Then, like the basis of this new work, the interview would be an “encounter”—not a series of questions and answers, but rather an equal exchange, to reveal something true about one another.

In reality, Soth was in Minneapolis preparing for four shows opening in New York, San Francisco, Minneapolis, and Berlin, and I was in a small phone booth in my office in Manhattan, somewhat nervous because I wanted this interview to be meaningful. A decade ago, I was introduced to Soth’s work in an undergraduate photo-book course, and I vividly recalled that feeling of having discovered something private and special, a sentiment shared widely by young, aspiring photographers (at Soth’s recent opening at Sean Kelly Gallery, they lined up for autographs, wide-eyed, holding his new book like a sacred text).

The Blue Room. New Orleans , 2018. Alec Soth Weinstein Hammons Gallery

Yuko. Berlin., 2018. Alec Soth Fraenkel Gallery

I Know How Furiously Your Heart Is Beating marks a new chapter in Soth’s photography. The series, a collection of portraits and interior scenes created during informal encounters with subjects, comes in the wake of a year-long hiatus. Soth retreated to the solitude of the farmhouse, to meditate and experiment with new forms of artmaking, before recalibrating his approach to photography entirely. I wanted to speak with Soth about conveying the inner lives of his sitters, something he’s sought after for over 15 years. What can a photograph really tell us about a person? That question underpins his latest work.

Soth entered the art world in the early aughts with portraits of people living in small towns that hinge on intimacy and solitude; the images color the settings as vividly as their residents. There’s a tidal pull to his work: the current of the Mississippi River guiding him from place to place for Sleeping by the Mississippi (2004); or passion and loneliness flowing and crashing together in Niagara (2006). But Soth doesn’t just observe—he’s a presence in the images, too. You can sense him in his subjects’ ineffable gaze. But they aren’t just looking at him—they’re looking at you, too.

Anna. Kentfield, California., 2017. Alec Soth Fraenkel Gallery

Soth told me that as someone who “lives mostly in [his] own head,” he always has to push himself to connect with other people. “Every once in awhile it occurs to me again how strange this is that I do what I do,” he said, laughing. “It still doesn’t make sense.” (As a journalist who has to work against her own introverted and anxious nature, I nodded furiously.) But over time, he found that “being this reserved person interacting with other people almost started turning into the subject of the work itself.” His solitary nature ebbs and flows with each body of work. He turned inward for Broken Manual (2010), photographing people committed to seclusion, like monks and hermits, in remote locations. In Songbook (2015), the pendulum swung, and he assumed the role of a local newspaper reporter, traveling state by state to capture the idiosyncrasies of small communities in lyrical black-and-white images.

But after Songbook, Soth retreated again, and he almost didn’t return. After he bought the farmhouse, sometime in 2015, he began making work that he kept secret from the world—even his own studio. “But I realized that work was shit,” he said. Then, meditation led him to a mind-altering, spiritual experience, and he began to question if he could keep making photographs.

Keni, New Orleans , 2018. Alec Soth Weinstein Hammons Gallery

Meditation, Soth realized, made him “want to connect with the world,” he recalled. “And photography, I’ve often thought, is as a way of separating myself from the world. Even though it causes me to go out into the world and engage, there’s this piece of glass, and I’m stopping time rather than existing in time. So I pulled back and I stopped traveling and I stopped photographing people.”

But he didn’t give up his camera entirely. For a year, Soth continued to meditate, and entered an exploratory period in his work, watching the light move across the walls of the farmhouse and trying to draw it, or making sculptures out of dust. He took pictures of his creations and hung them on the walls of his studio.

He was happy. But he could tell that the people close to him who saw the work “weren’t responding to it,” he said. He didn’t “have a desire to put this stuff out in the world, really.”

Ute's Books, Odessa, 2018. Alec Soth Weinstein Hammons Gallery

Vince. New York City, 2018. Alec Soth Sean Kelly Gallery

But then a unique opportunity arose. His San Francisco rep, Fraenkel Gallery (where some of the new work is currently on view, as well as at Loock Galerie in Berlin and Weinstein Hammons Gallery in Minneapolis), set up an experimental space for Soth to hold 90-minute sessions with dancers and performers, completely silently, making pictures together. There was a boundless nature to the shoots: His subjects showed up, willing and open to collaborate, and then they simply experienced one another, with an emphasis on play. Even when he had to leave the confines of the space to photograph postmodern dancer Anna Halprin in her home—at 98 years old, she was too elderly to come to Fraenkel Gallery—Soth brought that same ethos with him.

“I thought, ‘This is what I want to do,’” Soth explained. “I don’t want to work in the way I worked in the past; I just want to have these encounters and see where it takes me.”

And so I Know How Furiously Your Heart Is Beating began to take shape. After declining to travel for lectures and events for a year, Soth began accepting opportunities, and for each one, he asked to be set up with potential sitters in their homes. To leave the experience open-ended, without a clearly demarcated project in mind, was a new experience for the photographer, and a welcome one. “I’m trying to figure out who they are, and trying to figure out who I am,” he said of the sessions. “It’s this kind of dance.”

Nick. Los Angeles., 2018. Alec Soth Fraenkel Gallery

It’s a different kind of intimacy than that of Niagara, where Soth’s subjects evoked a sense of heartbreak and malaise, against the backdrop of an impoverished American town. You are drawn in, inexorably, but sometimes it feels like you should look away. Coming off of Sleeping by the Mississippi, he said, Niagara had an intensity, a “different energy,” and “it wasn’t necessarily a happier energy.” He explained: “I was trying to turn up the volume on my encounters. And that was good, but it was also fraught, a little bit, psychologically. I guess it’s more intimate in one way, but it’s also just tougher.”

Conversely, a gentle curiosity permeates each portrait and interior scene of I Know How Furiously Your Heart Is Beating; it’s a quiet mystery instead of one that demands you to find the clues. Subjects, like Halprin in California and Keni in New Orleans, sit comfortably in their homes, as the light plays a supporting role. A single flower in a blue room or a library of worn books can set the mood of a scene, creating an encounter of its own. In a portrait of a couple in Odessa, Ukraine, Sonya gazes at the camera as she lies against Dombrovsky, but there’s no feeling of unease. While the series’s title, taken from a Wallace Stevens poem, implies the closeness of a quiet encounter, it could also signal deep empathy for another person’s anxieties.

Alec Soth, Michelle. Berlin. from I Know How Furiously Your Heart is Beating, 2019. Courtesy if the artist and MACK.

“There are some stories behind the pictures, but I left more of that out than any project in the past,” Soth said. “So you’re trying to figure out what’s happening with this person, what’s inside of them.”

But Soth has said before that photography has its limits, that it can’t convey a deep truth about a person, pointing to Garry Winogrand’s quote that photographs don’t contain a narrative; they only describe light hitting a surface. When I asked Soth if he still felt that way after this project, he paused. He has since refined his ideas, he conceded, but he still doesn’t believe that images reveal a whole lot of information. It is just light, recorded, “which is one form of energy,” he said, “but there’s another form of energy, which is the energy of the social interaction, of the engagement.”

At this point in the conversation, Soth paused, trying to recall the famous Diane Arbus quote about the mystery of photographs. I looked up the exact wording and read it to him: “A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know.”

Cammy’s View. Salt Lake City., 2018. Alec Soth Fraenkel Gallery

“Yeah, exactly,” he replied. “A photograph is a mystery, and I still feel that way. It doesn’t reveal a ton of information, but it kind of unleashes this exchange of energy, first between myself and the subject, and then later, hopefully, between the subject and the audience looking at the picture.”

That kind of magic has remained fixed in Soth’s work, but Soth himself is in a state of flux—about photography as a medium, the balance of his practice, and the way he makes portraits. The question he is asked the most, about how he approaches people, does not have a definitive answer. It changes with each project, and yes, it does still give him anxiety, though that has shifted, too, over the years.

Soth may have had an epiphany that decisively changed him, but how he negotiates that into his approach in the long-term still remains a work-in-progress. When I asked him if there’s anything about his practice that he’d still like to change, he answered: “I’m still unresolved about everything. There is no answer.”

from Artsy News

[v-le]

Kmusic: My Decade-Long Journey with Kpop

Foreword: I had been working on this post for a few weeks now, in between university and everything else. In the middle of its composition, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee passed away and shocked the world. I, too, was appalled, and I don’t think I will ever properly recover from his death. I want to dedicate this post to him. This story is about how kpop has grown with me in life. This story defines everything I have ever thought or felt about kpop and that now, very much includes Jonghyun’s passing. 수고했어, 종현아.

Book 1

I can’t really recall it, but the very first kpop song I’ve ever listened to was either “Nobody” by Wonder Girls, “Genie” by SNSD, or “Gee” by SNSD. I was about seven years old around then. My cousin had shown my sister these songs and she, too, quickly got swept into the music. For the first years of this exposure, I had heard a myriad of songs ranging from Super Junior’s “Sorry Sorry”, SHINee’s “Replay” & “Ring Ding Dong” & “Lucifer”, Taeyang’s “Wedding Dress”, Big Bang’s “Gara Gara Go”, Infinite’s “BTD” & “She’s Back”, 2NE1’s “Fire” and many many manyyyy more. These songs would waft out of my sister’s speakers whenever I was using my computer next to her’s in the computer room. And during those first years, I flat out hated these songs. I didn’t understand anything they were saying. They sounded obnoxious. And these boys that my sister was obsessed with weren’t even that good looking. I can recall that she was specifically infatuated with Donghae of SJ during that time. I can also recall going as far as to mock some of these songs, especially “She’s Back” by repeating “cheese pack” in an annoying tone back to her. Despite my detest for kpop during these several years, I unknowingly picked up a lot of knowledge on it. I could name many groups and recognize many of their songs, all from the fact that my sister played so much of it and I had seen her computer screen many times. Nonetheless, I complained to my mom, that I didn’t understand why she listened to that stuff when she couldn’t even understand it. My mom had told me that it was totally fine, it’s simply about the beat of the music, and that you didn’t have to understand it to like it. I remember feeling a little upset because she defended my sister. All in all, during these years of premature kpop exposure, I was petty, unrelenting, and simply immature. I didn’t like kpop.

Book 2

I remember for some reason, reasons unknown, one day when I was at my friend’s house in 5th grade, I decided to show my friends “Ring Ding Dong” for fun. I remember a few days before that, I had watched the “Wedding Dress” MV for the first time on my own and I cried, too. During these next months, my pettiness towards kpop began to dampen and I started to get pretty good at recognizing groups and songs, and maybe even some faces. The only issue was that I tried immensely hard, as if my life depended on it, to not let my sister see what I was up to. I knew that I would receive massive backlash from her, for being such a hypocrite. So throughout 5th grade and a little bit of 6th, I started to dip my toes in a little, into the infinitely large pool that is kpop. I slowly and secretly, grew minuscule fondness for some songs, but not enough to want to add them to my music library. I kinda liked kpop.

Book 3

In the early days of middle school, a really good friend of mine loved Super Junior to death. Another friend of mine listened to some kpop, but only a little bit here and there. One day they showed me a song from LEDApple and I can officially say that they were the first group I completely fell for. LEDApple had such a different, dynamic and unique vibe to them, that I almost felt like I had triumphed over my sister. I had found and enjoyed a group that she probably did not know at all, and their music was actually really really really good. Personal favorites include “Time’s Up” and “Someone Met By Chance”. Much later, they released “Sadness” and I was even happier with that song. I quickly learned the names of all the members and I considered them my favorite group of all time. LEDApple was my introduction into this “fangirling” gig that kpoppers lowkey highkey have to keep up with. With LEDApple, I learned:

How to memorize members

That MV meant “music video”

How to watch every single video of them that existed on youtube (although for them, it was minimal because they were so unknown)

That subbers were a thing, and for specific groups, too

How to watch variety shows of them

How to memorize birthdays

That Koreans have a different age system than internationally

That they wear excessive makeup

And much, much, much more

I would consider LEDApple to be my “first” for everything. I really did cherish them as a group, along with their music, and I slowly learned the do’s and dont’s of kpop during this phase. More than LEDApple though, I quickly became even more aware of more groups and songs, and I started to favor some more than others too. I liked kpop.

Book 4

My love for LEDApple started to dwindle as I discovered and started to really like more groups like MBLAQ, Big Bang, SHINee, SNSD, B.A.P, B1A4 and especially Infinite. I completely fell for Infinite as I listened to songs like “Paradise”, “Be Mine”, and “Can U Smile”. And yes, as I listened to more of their discography, I recognized some songs as the ones my sister had played in the past as well. Then, they released the Chaser and it was game set from there. I remember searching up Infinite’s profiles, comparing the images with their MVs and matching their names with their faces. I remember when I first saw Woohyun in Be Mine, I thought that he looked like Harry Shum Jr. AHAH how wrong I was….  I also remember struggling a little bit because the profile pictures I used were from their debut, with their slicked back hair and white button shirts and suspenders :’). Soon enough, I became very familiar with everything Infinite-related and I eventually claimed them to be my favorite group of all time (and to this day, they have remained as so). I really liked kpop.

Book 5

This book becomes a little hard to explain, simply because I feel like my emotions seemed to be mundane externally, but inside, I know that they were deep with a sort of affection that words can never fully explain. My love for Infinite was immense, driven, and completely pure. I did not have a favorite member, because no really, I just couldn’t choose one. All their songs were absolutely amazing; Infinite taught me how to fall in love with even the non-title track songs. Their entire discography is the only discography of any artists that I know like the back of my hand. Their choreography was always on point; they prided in being 99.9% synchronized with knife-like moves. I really, truly thought that they were all handsome in their own, unique way. Their personalities were genuine and interactions were always hilarious and the brotherhood between the boys ran as deep as blood. Their early days were the brightest ones that I can recall, and I am so grateful to have watched them develop since. They were extremely relevant within the industry, and “The Chaser” lifted them to even newer heights. I clearly remember their 2nd anniversary as well. I remember thinking to myself, that they were “SO YOUNG!!”, with Sungjong being just 18 years old at that time (which is exactly how old I am now, YIKES). Awaiting a comeback after The Chaser era was definitely an eventful one because I was so expectant and excited and it was the first (of many) that I experienced as a full-fledged fan. It took them nearly a year, but they eventually returned with “Man in Love”, and then “Destiny” immediately afterwards, and then on November 11th, 2013, I had the miraculous blessing to see them live in concert. It was my first concert ever and it was during their first world tour, as mere 3-year idols. 2013 was a year of big feats for Infinite and it all really was just a blessing. A mere five months later, I would again, see them, at the LA Kpop Festival on April 12th, 2014. Boy, was it a time to be alive as an Inspirit.  During these few years, everything I did, in my life, really did revolve around them. My school projects, artwork, everything, had to relate to Infinite somehow. I made poems about them, I had collected a total of 24 posters of them on my wall, and I had also racked up physical copies of their albums, my first one being Infinitize on July 29th of 2012. When they posted fan events like the Infinite Love Letter Contest, and when the members used Google+ and when every little thing happened, I was there, and I was supporting them endlessly. As I transitioned into high school, Infinite released more and more things, and my love for them never dwindled, even for a second. When I went through rough times, in all the ways imaginable, Infinite was always there. In the beginning, I had made folders for photos of each member, otps, and the complete group on my computer. I even named the OT7 pictures folder “What I Live For ~”. My passwords all had to do with Infinite. I named all my devices like my computer and such “IFNT7”. The phrase “My love is Infinite” was my favorite of all time. Just the sight of some colors translated into Infinite to me. Every. Little. Thing. My heart belonged to Infinite more than ever. I loved and cherished them, and still do (but maybe not as blatantly), with a burning passion. And not just them, but I really did like other groups like ZE:A and T-ARA to name a few, during these times, but Infinite truly meant the world to me. I loved kpop, especially Infinite.

Book 6

During those fangirl days, I was not completely blinded by love to a point where I was oblivious to the future; rather, I was apprehensive in a way in which I knew that when I got “older”, I “wouldn’t love them as much”. I didn’t doubt that I wouldn’t stop listening to kpop, but I knew that i couldn’t be a diehard fangirl forever. And so, around 2015 ish is when school started to kick my butt, and i really did completely disconnect. Disclaimer though: I was still endlessly thankful for and in love with Infinite. I was so proud of them no matter what, and I supported them from the sidelines with a burning heart. In fact, despite the fact that the amount of attention I dedicated to them decreased, my love for them grew nonetheless. I was so so so thankful that they were just alive, whole, and still doing music. Together. However, I was physically and mentally incapable of keeping up to date with everything, not only Infinite-related, but kpop-related, during that time. I had realized that this was probably time to prioritize things in my life, and not feel so obliged to the whole kpop thing anymore. And so, with Infinite, I tried my best, but of course I did not try hard enough. I did enough to keep up with kpop releases and such, but that was about it. I had no time for shows and small activities and interviews, and all the things that I was an expert on in the past. I no longer had time to check thru all the infinite tumblr blogs I had bookmarked. Instead, I began to turn to the simpler things, as in the music. I realized that if there was one thing that was worthy of putting effort into, it was the music. I began to only care about the music that the kpop industry was churning out. And let me just say, that during this time was probably the beginning of the death of 2nd generation kpop as well. I started to dislike the style of music that Kpop was turning towards, and I noticed how saturated it was with random groups that couldn’t even leave a mark. I also noticed its immense rise in overall popularity: Kpop was becoming more and more mainstream at a rapid rate, and I was having none of it. Instead, I began to venture into k-indie, acoustic, soul, and simply put, healing songs. I turned to artists like Eddy Kim, Davichi, Baek Jiyoung, Kim Feel, Echae En Route, Roy Kim (one my truest loves), Ggotjam Project, Clazziquai Project, Urban Zakapa, Kassy, Fromm, and many, many, many more. I have had the blessing to watch these almost-nobody artists grow, release more music, gain a tad bit more recognition, and simply become even more amazing than they already were back when I discovered them at their early stages. (Sam Kim would debut later, in 2016, and blow me away as well. In fact, all the Antenna Angels). The music from these artists, kept me alive in a similar, yet different way, than Infinite had in years past. I didn’t need to know their faces or ages or personalities or honestly, anything, about them, to feel instantaneously better. These artists and their songs were healing, in a way where the only thing that truly mattered, was their voice.

A quick story about Kim Feel, who has come to be my all time favorite artist whom I would die for: I came across a song from Younha called 없어, and it blew me away. It was gorgeous. A hip hop duo, named Elupant featured in this song and I simply became aware of their name through this track. A few months later, Elupant would release the single Crater featuring. Kim Feel. I gave the song a chance because I vaguely knew of them, and I was once again, blown away. I did not know who this vocalist, Kim Feel, was, but I knew that he was indescribably amazing at singing, and something about his voice was just so different. For months, I wouldn’t even know what Kim Feel looked like. I barely knew that he was a singer because I had only seen his name from that one song, and his WIkipedia page didn’t even exist at that time. Then, in mid-June of 2015, I saw somewhere on Facebook that Kim Feel was releasing his first mini album, and that’s when I finally got some decent exposure to him. I finally saw what he looked like, how he placed second on SSK5, and how he had released several singles here and there in the past. His mini album, Feel Free, was everything I didn’t know I wanted, and I loved it to death. Later, he would go on to perform on Immortal Songs 2 and literally make me cry ugly tears from just one performance. Kim Feel is an artist that I got to know and fall in love solely through his voice and music and nothing else. That is the true beauty about singer-songwriters. He is an absolutely amazing artist and has come to be my most cherished one. Unfortunately, he is currently serving in the army right now, but my soul will always belong to Kim Feel and his music.

I didn’t really like kpop anymore.

Book 7

I want this part of my story to simply be about my current thoughts on kpop, in this moment in time, over a decade after first being exposed to this entire culture. In this book, I will pick apart the sort of darker sides in the Korean pop music industry, which are easily overlooked amidst the fervor of fans and idols and flashing lights. This is a perspective that I have come to hone throughout years of observance and trials and growth, and simply maturing into an adult alongside the ever-changing industry itself. My view of kpop has come to change in a way in which I no longer support several aspects of it. There are simply things that go on within the industry that I want nothing to deal with. Things that I have may have enjoyed in the past are now things that I do not need in my life any longer. Please remember that kpop goes beyond music and idols. It is a lifestyle. For many people, it is a way of living about their daily lives: listening to their favorite group’s music, watching countless videos and shows of them, keeping up with their daily whereabouts and activities, knowing their birthdays and family members and personal details, and simply associating themselves with their favorite group in any way possible, as much as possible. For many kpop fans, it goes beyond liking a group’s music: it is liking their looks, personalities, habits, style, affiliations, it is liking everything. It is true that this isn’t the case for nearly every fan in kpop, but I think it is safe to say that it is a common practice amongst many kpop fans. People come to live for these groups, but of course, there is nothing wrong with that. No one knows how to breathe and wake up every day and live for a kpop group better than I do. But I want to make one very important point clear: Kpop is a market and everything is a concept. Now, let me elaborate a little bit more.

1) It is a factory.

I do not recall it being this bad in the past, but nowadays, I can say for sure that groups are debuting left and right, nonstop, almost every week, or even every day. It’s just too much. Too saturated. Talent is exploited.

2) Most of these kids lack talent.

I know that every single new rookie isn’t completely talent-less, but in such a relentless industry, and especially nowadays with the sheer amount of people trying to break through, all these girls and boys look the exact same to me. Long ago, I gave up on getting into and keeping track of rookies. I decided that they I preferred my golden groups, the ones that defined that my own kpop era, and that they were the only ones I really had time for anyway. I am not saying this applies to all of them, because of course there are always exceptions. Take the latest show, The UNIT, for example. These people are supposed to be already debuted idols, looking for another shot at fame. Yet, the most jarring thing I noticed, especially with the females, is that they can’t even sing. Is that not a basic? These girls were out there on stage belting flat notes left and right and it was atrocious. It blew my mind, because even on P101, trainees who haven’t even had “experience” like those idols had, could sing significantly better. I don’t remember when the standard to become an idol dropped so low, but it is outright disappointing to me. For me personally, a nice face or some cool dance moves or a wholesome personality is not going to make you worthy of being an idol. You have to be a performer. And if you can’t even accomplish the basics, as in pull off the right notes, then why even try?

3) There is a lack of self-expression.

This is something that could be argued from several angles, and I am glad to agree that the stereotype has been changing more and more these days, towards a better direction. But if we are to speak straight from the debut days of Boyfriend or Infinite, or even SNSD for example, then the story is a little bit less complicated. It is simple: many of these groups are forced to do things that they do not necessarily want to or choose to do. Although it varies, almost every aspect of these people’s lives is controlled by their companies. The songs they sing, the dances that they dance to, the clothes they wear, the places they go to, the food they eat, the people they have to meet, and sometimes, even the things they say. These are very frequently not 100% under the artists’ complete control. And that is simply… pretty hard to grasp, but certainly true in most situations. Hence the “everything is a concept”. Because it really is. Many of the things that these artists do are a part of a concept that they must pull off, an image that they must present to the public, whether that is their true self or not, little do we ever know. Hoya’s talk about his departure from Infinite and Woollim does a really good job of exposing this sort of culture that goes on behind the scenes. Of course, nowadays at least, many artists are receiving more musical freedom and even the opportunity to partake in the very creation and composition of their own music.

4) Kpop idols are HUMAN.

This is one that I want to emphasize as if my life depends on it. Time and time again, I think the fact that kpop idols are human is something that people seem to completely disregard. I have never seen a fanbase as cruel and scrutinizing as the kpop fanbase. It almost downright scares me. Sasaeng fans are a reality that I wish did not exist, because they are just so rude, inconsiderate, and intense. Those manic, excessive fans really make me fear for idols’ wellbeing. Furthermore, there are so, so, soooo many incidents in which a Korean artist would do this or do that or say this or that and the situation is completely, totally, blown out of proportion. I have read articles about complaints that made absolutely no sense. I want to make this clear: Nobody's perfect, and neither are kpop stars. They will make mistakes, more than once if anything. But how, in the world, in any universe, does that give people permission to write hate comments at them? To bash on every little thing about them? To write petitions for them to leave their respective groups completely? Why do people think that is okay? Why do people not understand that, just like you and me, and anyone else, kpop stars have feelings. Is that so hard to believe? That no matter how small of a word or phrase you use to hurt them, you are instilling hate regardless. And that is not okay. It is never okay. Because they are human. The world, fans, no one, will never really know what is going on in an idol’s life. I do not want to make this part solely about Kim Jonghyun, but I think it is only right to mention him here. It was stated time and time again that Jonghyun was suffering from severe depression, to an extent where he took his own life. And the entire kpop world fell into complete shambles since then. Does this make it more transparent for everyone? That hate comments, that inner feelings and emotions, that all of these things are very real aspects of idols’ lives. It is so extremely hard, for me personally, to watch these idols become decreased to shoddy titles and names over the smallest of incidents. The hate needs to stop. Kpop idols are humans. Please.

5) The exhaustive work schedules.

This basically stems from the whole humanizing kpop idols thing. But I absolutely despise of the fact that is it common for idols to faint on stage, become hospitalized for over-exhaustion, or take breaks to recover. I have one simple question: Why do we have to work them until they reach that point? Are their bodies and capabilities expendable objects or something? Why is it okay? Why is it common for crying out loud? These people are literally worked to their limit, for several weeks on end. Once again, I’d like to point out that they are not invincible gods with undying strength. They are humans. There just has to be something done about the ridiculous work schedules that these people have to deal with. It just is not okay.

6) Companies are milking fans for their money.

This one is a big statement. It is not necessarily completely true for every single company, but it is definitely not wrong in any way at all. Think about why a company would start up a group in the first place. To give these hard working people a chance in the limelight out of generosity because they totally deserve it? No, of course not lol. There is a win-win situation within a lot of these groups, or at least the more successful ones. They earn lots and lots of money, a large portion of which goes straight to company, while also becoming famous and etc etc everything else they’ve always wanted. But companies are playing a game at the same time, marketing these groups to any extent possible. Ever wonder why groups frequently venture into the Japanese market? Ever wonder why groups have to release 4952548 different versions of one simple album (which is totally a newer-generation-of-kpop trend. groups in the past never did this)? Ever wonder why Lee Soo Man purposely created a multicultural group when it probably would’ve been much easier to just make a purely Korean one? Everything in the kpop industry, and I mean everything comes down to money. That is the reality of it. It is a market.

6) The music no longer sounds like kpop to me.

With the massive rise to global stardom that a lot of current day groups have acquired has come the musical shift into which, in my opinion, the overall sound of kpop is very much more westernized. Many groups are following the trend of releasing music that is edm, trap, tropical house, dupstep, etc -oriented. And for me, I’m not digging it. I fell in love with kpop because of sounds like Big Bang’s and Infinite’s older music. But now, the music is so completely different. A lot of these songs honestly just sound like something I would hear playing on the American radio. Which may just be the goal anyway. But for me, if kpop just sounds like everything else now, why would I listen to it? I originally liked it because it was different, and didn’t sound like everything else I was already hearing. But now it just does. Sigh.

7) There has been a complete generation shift.

This is something that I talk about extensively to my friends and peers. I’d like to say that it is something that I am very passionate about. There isn’t a day in which a part of me isn’t internally mourning about the death of my kpop generation. I think the generational shift becomes more and more apparent as time goes by: look at the groups that were active 5 years ago, and compare them to now. Are any of them even the same? Probably not. And that sort of reality pains me a lot. I understand that it’s simply about growth, getting over it, and moving on. But I’ll always reminisce from time to time. Here are the groups that defined my generation of kpop, and what happened to them:

Big Bang: indefinite hiatus (TOP is in the army, w/ the others well on their way)

SHINee: active (this one breaks my heart even more because not only did I constantly commend SHINee for staying whole and active, despite their apparent downfall in popularity and relevance, I was just always thankful for their undying perseverance as an older generation group. The loss of Jonghyun completely broke my heart because it was a reality I never wanted to believe in. I’m still in shock and it really does hurt to think how SHINee’s name will now forever go down in tragedy rather than legendary)

SNSD: indefinite hiatus (this one is a little hazy. It has been stated that the name of SNSD lives on, despite the members being in different companies. A sliver of hope remains for them)

2NE1: disbanded (first they lost Minzy, and then they completely fell apart)

LEDApple: disbanded (or at least i think so?? The members moved around all over the place and I’m pretty sure no one is left)

2PM: indefinite hiatus (Taec is in the army, while the others are doing their own thang for now. I have faith that they’ll return as 6 one day, though. Fight on, 2PM <3)

B1A4: active (i got to see them in feb, too, bless up)

ZE:A: indefinite hiatus (all the members are in separate companies. Minwoo & Taeheon returned from the army already while Kwanghee, Heechul, and Siwan are currently serving. The rest have been doing their own things as well. In fact, Kevin resides in Australia now. They have stated several times that despite being in different places and companies, the group has not officially disbanded yet. It warms my heart to think that there is still hope for them.)

U-KISS: active (they lost Kevin and AJ and Dongho in the year past and I know they’re still managing to stay alive with the addition of Jun as well)

Teen Top: hiatus (L.Joe was caught up in some messy legal stuff with his company and seemed to have left the industry as a whole in a rather ugly way… it definitely hurt to watch this pan out in the way that it did… nonetheless, Teen Top is basically still irrelevant anyway, despite the multiple comebacks they’ve had in years past.)

4Minute: disbanded (;__;)

Super Junior: active (this is such a blessing, honestly, to have Super Junior alive and active, despite alllllll the shit they’ve been through these past years. I know they’re definitely on the older side, but these guys are absolute legends and it makes me so happy to see them still together, even if just partially)

f(x): indefinite hiatus (their last release was in 2015 which means it’s almost been 3 freaking years since we last saw them active as 4, after Sulli’s departure. Wow… I really do hope to see them soon)

Apink: active (but barely relevant…They were also once 7, until Yookyung left in 2012, I believe.)

Girls Day: active (but not as relevant as they were before, either. Their recent, occasional releases have been decent, but not good enough to be big. They also technically lost a member before, too.)

BEAST: active as Highlight (They lost Hyunseung, and then they all left Cube. Miraculously, these boys kept themselves afloat and even established their own label together, as five. I am honestly so happy for what they have accomplished and even though it sucks that we’ll never hear the name BEAST in same way or affiliation anymore, these five guys are still going strong. I think they proved to me that they really do enjoy being idols, which is kinda rare considering how long they’ve been active in the industry)

VIXX: active (and probably one of the most relevant idols out of this list)

Miss A: disbanded (it was unclear for a while, but also pretty obvious because each member went their separate way. But JYP recently declared their disbandment official)

Sistar: disbanded (they were active for exactly 7 years, debuting and disbanding on the same exact day. This one definitely hurt)

BAP: active (they took a long hiatus somewhere in between, but it was well-deserved considering how ridiculously active they were back then. They still come back quite often nowadays, but it is unfortunately safe to say that they no longer leave the same impact as they did years before)

KARA: disbanded (despite adding Youngji after Nicole and Jiyoung left, they couldn’t last long enough. this one also hurt because of how spot-on their music always was for me.)

MBLAQ: indefinite hiatus (the name itself still lives on, and they never officially declared disbandment. but MBLAQ is probably one of the only groups that will go down in pure tragedy in my heart because I really did, truly, love them to death at one point. The departure of Lee Joon and Thunder threw this group into shambles and they barely managed to come back once as a trio, until their company disintegrated before our eyes and screwed them over even more. These boys used to be top of the top, dominating the industry in every way possible, musically and in variety shows, too. But lately, in fact, not even that recently, G.O. had taken to his personal social media to reveal the mistreatment and basically the complete shit they had to go through as idols. He was utterly traumatized by his experiences in the industry, to a point where he never wanted to sing again. But he talked about how the other 2 members gave him strength, as well as the few fans that were left to support him. MBLAQ literally dissolved into ashes right before my eyes, yet no one, and I mean no one, has been talking about this. They honestly just went through so much and have lost a lot as well. It hurt so bad to watch such an amazing group fall apart so fast, without even making a sound. Fuck the industry.)

Wonder Girls: disbanded (these legendary girls first faced the departure of Sun, and then Sohee. Sunmi was added into the mix after a very long hiatus, but they lasted for about 2 years until they officially disbanded)

T-Ara: indefinite hiatus (this group has faced a ferocious path of ups and downs. First with Hwayoung, and her departure, then with Areum and her departure as well, and then the very sudden departure of Soyeon and Boram. The four remaining members have decided to not renew their contracts with their current agency, but it is unclear if T-Ara still really exists at all at this point.)

Block B: active (and thankfully pretty relevant, I think)

Boyfriend: hiatus (Donghyun is on the Unit right now. I know they haven’t been super active in the past years, but when they tried, it was lackluster. They’ve definitely lost a lot of the momentum they once had years ago :( )

After School: indefinite hiatus (so many members have “graduated” in the past years, that only five are left now. I honestly can’t recall the last time they released music, but I can tell it’s been a very long time…)

CN Blue: active (but unfortunately very irrelevant anyway. They celebrated their 8th anniversary recently though! Congrats (: )

Rainbow: disbanded (so so so sad…)

Infinite: active (bless the heavens. Hoya’s departure shattered my world and I was admittedly a sobbing mess for several days on end. But their impending comeback is going to warm my heart and ears, I just know it. It’s been a good one whole year and a third since I last saw them come back. I have definitely missed their once steadfast presence. Welcome back, my loves <3 )

Welp, that was quite refreshing, to take a quick peek at the histories of these groups that once defined my middle school years. It definitely hurts to count how many times I had to write “disbanded” or “indefinite hiatus” because of how unclear and shaky a lot of these groups’ futures look. It has been pretty obvious for a while, that with the progressive crumbling of this once sturdy, strong, and seemingly invincible gang of groups, a new era of groups has been ushered in to take center stage and render the rest of the once-legends weak and irrelevant. Groups that used to make headlines on the daily basis and smash charts consistently are now barely hanging onto existence in the industry. It is quite painful to watch. There are many times where I just want to go back to those days where the names and faces and songs that were “mainstream” were the ones that I could actually recognize and enjoy. Now, it is quite the opposite. Adieu, my generation of kpop.

I just really don’t like kpop anymore. (but I still like Korean music! :) )

[caveartfair]

You Don’t Have to Be Good at Art to Benefit from an Artistic Hobby

Sunday Painter, 2017. Charlie Roberts Galleri Magnus Karlsson

Girls and Clothes, 2015. Charlie Roberts Galleri Magnus Karlsson

Growing up, I had the hobbies of an aspiring arts-and-crafts maven. As a wee kid, I devoted my free time to gleefully drawing cats, cutting up catalogs for collages, and sewing felt finger puppets. Later, I took to sculpting tiny clay figurines and stringing miniscule beads to make necklaces and bracelets. In high school, I was the president of the Watercolor Society (I swear it was real), and as a senior in college, where I majored in Spanish, the ceramics studio became my sanctuary—an escape from my thesis, grad school applications, and my roommate.

While I still have hobbies now (on occasion I bake fanciful sugar cookies and make ceramics pots and sculptures), I do them less, and they’re no longer entirely joy-fueled pursuits. Instead, the things I do for fun seem to more overtly define who I am as a person, and as a result, there’s more pressure to do them well.

Author and Columbia University law professor Tim Wu described this sensation in a September 2018 op-ed in the New York Times, where he noted that he was surprised by how few people he meets have hobbies. “We’re afraid of being bad at them,” he wrote. “Our ‘hobbies,’ if that’s even the word for them anymore, have become too serious, too demanding, too much an occasion to become anxious about whether you are really the person you claim to be.”

Wu pointed to the way joggers are now apt to be training for a future marathon, and amateur painters are compelled to show in exhibitions or build a large social media following. “Lost here is the gentle pursuit of a modest competence, the doing of something just because you enjoy it, not because you are good at it,” he explained, adding that people who avoid the now-daunting concept of hobbies are more likely to sink their free time into screens, such as watching Netflix, or scrolling through Instagram. As a result, we’re missing out on the benefits that leisure activities can deliver—like making us more creative, happy, calm, and empathetic. Even more benefits emerge when it comes to hobbies that involve the arts.

A plethora of research studies have shown that expressing ourselves through art can help to ease a wide range of illnesses and afflictions, from anxiety and depression to dementia and cancer. More broadly, making art—be that sketching, writing poetry, dancing, or playing with clay—can make us feel happier and more relaxed, and can also help to improve our observation, motor, and problem-solving skills, as well as memory retention and hand-eye coordination. But how do we get over the hurdles of finding time for hobbies and feeling comfortable about making mediocre art?

In terms of time, as Wu pointed out, many among us manage to find hours each day for leisurely digital content consumption. So what if we set aside a small portion of that time for doodling or knitting or wood-carving? Ultimately, there are no hard-and-fast rules for how long you need to spend on a hobby.

Take, for example, husband-and-wife writers and professors Michele and Robert Root-Bernstein—a historian and scholar of creativity, and a professor of physiology at Michigan State University, respectively—who have conducted research on hobbies. Michele writes haiku poems on a daily basis, while Robert creates his art (cut-out collages inspired by gestalt theory and M.C. Escher) more sporadically, setting small goals for himself like crafting cards for his family members’ birthdays and holidays. “There are different styles of pursuing something,” Michele explained. “Some people think you have to sit down at the desk every day because if you want to be inspired, you have to be where the muse will know to find you,” while others, she added, “wait for the inspiration or a time when it seems right.” How and when you do your hobby is a matter of personal preference and motivation.

Feeling comfortable making art is similarly personal, but it’s also a matter of rethinking the act itself. “We tend to put very high standards on ourselves, and I think and it might be a product of modern times, when we’ve made the artist into a kind of celebrity,” said art therapist Dr. Girija Kaimal.

Additionally, with the rise of Instagram and other social media platforms, it’s certainly easier to share your penchant for embroidery or pottery with the world, but it’s also easier to feel inferior or embarrassed by your work, when you can so easily compare yourself to your peers (many of whom are professionals). It may feel like it’s no longer enough, or a waste of time, to just relish in the meditative act of doodling or knitting a wonky scarf.

Through her work, Dr. Kaimal, whose research focuses on the physiological and psychological health outcomes of self-expression, often encounters people who are quick to say they aren’t an artist. In response, she tells them: “Well, you don’t stop exercising or playing something for fun just because you’re not an expert at it. You don’t stop talking or writing because you’re not a great poet or writer.”

In a 2016 study where Dr. Kaimal and a colleague asked participants to draw freely, they found that even for those who were not confident in their skills, some low-stakes doodling quickly led to positive feelings. “That perception of not having good ideas or not being creative changed within 20 minutes of just doodling and coloring and doing a few drawings—with no expectations, no judgment,” she said.

The lack of expectations and judgement is key. By letting your mind wander freely, or in other words, letting yourself play, you can reap the positive benefits of hobbies, like enhanced creativity and mood regulation.

Play can even lead to personal growth and improved skills, as the Root-Bernsteins have experienced. Michele recalls that she started writing haiku some 20 years ago, “just playing with my my kids, and that’s how I sort of got into it,” she said. And when she started to improve her skills and get her poems published by literary journals, it was because she’d followed a peer’s advice to not take it too seriously. “I relaxed into it, and I said, ‘It’s just a game, it’s just for me and my pleasure,’” she recalled.

For his part, Robert notes that he makes art because it takes his mind off other things. “Some of it actually I do because it lets me think about my work in a different way,” he said, noting that at times his art relates to his work, but it remains an independent practice, and a way to relax.

Together, the Root-Bernsteins have researched the lives of polymaths and Nobel Prize winners, and have found that these highly successful people often have hobbies. “When you look at groups of elite scientists or engineers or artists, you find people who have many interests, but that said, they’re not all serious or on the same level,” Michele explained. “But even with the ones who have pursued art simply for fun, that can have a big profound impact on their creative work.” Albert Einstein, for example, famously played the piano. “When he couldn’t get ideas, he would sit down at the piano and literally play around, and saw whatever problem he was having resolved itself,” Robert said.

Hobbies can also be crucial to gaining greater cultural awareness and appreciation. “In so many areas of our lives now, we become passive consumers,” Michele explained. “That, to my mind, gives up some of our birthright, where we’re no longer participating in culture in an active way.” Robert added: “I would emphasize that a person who’s never painted cannot look at a painting and see what’s in [it]; a person who’s never played music doesn’t really appreciate a really phenomenal performance…so even if you’re not good at it, just trying something gives you this understanding and appreciation for what it really does take to be good.”

The Root-Bernsteins point to school as a potential source of the anxiety many people feel about making art. From a young age, we’re graded on our art and music—our creative expressions. We’ve been led to associate making art with extrinsic rewards, rather than understanding it as something to enjoy and improve upon. And while extreme goal-setting in a major factor in the decline of hobbies, finding something that you love doing, and that you want to get better at, may be the key to landing on the right pastime. Then, setting incremental goals for your own improvement can make it all the more fulfilling. Say, for example, you’ve been using knitting patterns you find online, but then one day, you decide to create a pattern of your own. Maybe you do and it doesn’t go well—that’s okay.

“You can have do-overs—it’s low risk,” Robert said. “That’s what’s wonderful about hobbies.” It may seem obvious, but nonetheless, it’s comforting to remember that the next time you pick up a paintbrush or a set of knitting needles, unlike most parts of life, you can always try again.

from Artsy News