#even after years. I just hate myself a lot. I cant even hate my father which is saying somethin.

[shootingstarrfish]

Omg hiii I looove oversharing about my blorbos 😋

Anyway Simeon is my favorite guy ever and has been since the beginning I'm completely obsessed with him bc he's literally perfect tell my WHY on gods green earth he's always getting swept under the rug. Why does this man never get any attention and when he does why is he mischaracterized. He's got it all. He's tall and handsome in kind of an ethereal effeminate way, he's sweet and kind but not a pushover, he's one of the most tragic characters in the game, he's the perfect muse for a religious trauma arc, a corruption arc, a "the calm collected one who's always having a good time finally snaps and goes apeshit" arc, I mean come on. Come on. Every time I remember that his main sin is wrath despite him being SO chill and gentle on the outside I want to giggle a little bit. My beautiful princess with identity issues and slutty waist I'm so sorry everyone ignores you

Solomon though. I don't remember how I felt about him at first (other than lots of gender envy) but he wasn't a favorite until I came back to the fandom after being absent for ages. Like damn this man is everything. He's so complicated /pos that I cant even articulate why I love him so much but he's so well written (maybe one of the only ones who are written halfway decently) and SO tragic. The way he's so desperately in love with the mc and is forced to watch them go for literally anyone else but would still do anything for them and ask for nothing but a little bit of loyalty in return is scrumptious. Also the way immortality just kinda fucks you up after a while when you're only human. I've been very tempted to put him in a poly ship with my mc and Simeon bc he deserves it but for now he just has to watch from afar as the man he loves endlessly makes out with his best friend that he also kinda sorta has a little crush on bc making the gays suffer brings me copious amounts of joy. He's also the "always totally calm and collected no matter what but actually has really strong feelings that he works to keep in check" type like Simeon and I love that for him. One of the fics I'm reading has him once become so panicked over the MC's wellbeing that he completely loses his composure. Yelling, trembling, the whole nine yards and it was fucking glorious, I love seeing characters like him break.

Also I have to talk a little about Lucifer. He's not generally a favorite but I just think it's funny how I went from hating his guts bc I thought he was an asshole to to liking him a lot bc I have a weak spot for big brother characters. He loves his family so so so much and just has trouble showing it properly!! He's still an asshole and an uptight prick but I like that about him now. My mc had the same development with him as I did, he went from "I hate this motherfucker I wanna kill him also he kinda scares me" to "this is my big brother we are holding hands :)" in the span of like a year and a half and it's really funny. Lucifer thought he was finally getting a sensible housemate and friend but ended up getting another insufferable, headache indicung little brother figure instead. Also I kinda have a non canon ship between him and my MC's father bc the idea is SO funny but also a little cute bc they compliment each other real well. My mc would become homophobic so fast if he found out and thinking about it is incredibly entertaining

thank u for oversharing teehee <333

the side characters are sooo fun and interesting i wish so badly that theyd get to be ever so slightly less on the side :,D

the dynamic between your mc and simeon and solomon PAIN UGH i love it.. <333 my heart hurts for solo but the yearning.... MMM

and absolutely felt about lucifer, i wish i could hate him and leave it at that but he makes it so hard. i have such a complicated relationship with this man but i cant bring myself to genuinely hate him hahaha

[malak2019]

random thoughts : episode four :

As a person who HATES getting into trends, this show kind of attracted me , its getting all over my fyp on TIKTOK and its getting its vibes in the US for a lot of reasons , starting with the new upcoming actors who lit the show , I mean they’re well good looking ( im a bit shy to say that Nicholas Chavez presents my taste in men LOL) they also had their own charisma on a different way , plus the story is really sensitive that  re-opened the case after thirty years , well , thinking about points of this aspect I would  talk more about this show as soon as I finish it , it really worth watching .

Looking into the case from another point of view , which is childhood trauma , its really heartbreaking to talk about , I mean I wont blame them for killing , actually I consider it as self – defiance crime , imagine your memories as being child filled with sexual assaulting by the one you consider as the safe side of the world that protects you , but no , the father is the threat , destroying your innocence , making you hating your body , not this only but also putting so much demands on you in every single stage of your life , deleting your OWN needs and dreams , making you do things you don’t even like , ashamed of yourself , shouting , screaming , hitting , etc , seeing your mother participating by being shut and not doing anything , god just imagining this made me exhausted , they handled so much for more than ten years .

All of this made me realize that part of what we are adulthood  belongs to what we experienced in our childhood , and what we didn’t experience at the same time , it sounds flipped to you but I will explain now , if you grow up having the love feelings around you with a healthy atmosphere in your house filled  with acceptance  I’d probably say that you would become someone who knows how to give love , on the other hand if you lacked the unconditional love , had a harsh treating , called words like “idiot “ or ‘fool’ or being around judging people , there’s a chance of becoming a person who doesn’t know how to express emotions as it said “ the one who hurt by family , never heal “.

Flipping all the previous, you may had the perfect family but the effect was from your peers who are affected by the disturbed  family or parents , what I mean that there is always going to be an external effect on us  rather direct or passive that had a hand in part of what we are , that’s why sometimes  I don’t judge people behaviors because sometimes it comes from the way they were treated or raised  or just this is how they made themselves by choice , and that’s the reason I say not anyone qualified for getting married and having  children , but the catastrophe is the ones who’s mentally unstable doesn’t know that , unfortunately   .

In the end we’re not authorized to analyze each other behaviors , but sometimes I ask myself “why this talks like that ?” “ why the narcissist is a narcissist ?” “ what type of attachment I have?” etc , because as I believe thinking and realizing is the key for everything in life , because the psychological issues are really fucking exhausting often more than the physical one sometimes , maybe you realize what you lack though breaking the “ you cant get blood from the stone “ rule (as I chose) and breaking the pattern from going into other generations or just be one of its followers enjoy making other mentally disturbed individuals you asshole .

[coiled-dragon]

20 questions for fic writers

Omg big tag game :D thanks for the tag @thetentaclecommander ♥

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

146.... 146!!!!!!! Its taken me 12 years to get that many...

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 

468,189...... 8D and 1/4th of that... was all from Last Year, 2023, the year of Dracfield

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Well if I list all of the ones I have written for, its a pretty big list. But like... The Passenger, Renfield/Dracula media in general, Dead by Daylight, Stranger Things, Rise of the Guardians, Encanto, Gravity Falls, Pokemon... Lots of other misc horror media, too~

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

GOD can I skip this?? Because its a fast way for everyone to look at me and condemn me because the one thing all these fics have in common are problematic ships around One Type of Problematic and im anxious but like. Fuck it.

Living with Max - Camp Camp, MaxVid longfic, abandoned (For now) - 1893 Kudos When Dealing With Demons - Gravity Falls, BillDip Longfic - 1116 Kudos Late Night Visits - Gravity Falls, BillDip - 875 Kudos Keeping Secrets - Gravity Falls, BillDip - 798 Kudos A Sort of Welcome Distraction - Gravity Falls, BillDip - 754 Kudos

I aint linking them and if you go find them mind the content lmfao

5. Do you respond to comments?

I usually try to!! Sometimes! To at least half of them ;w; sometimes I just dunno what to say...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

HAHA..OH BOY... that would be Si Tú No Estás Aquí an Encanto fic with double main character death so like. Heads Up if you read it. Proud of it but man it hurts

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? 

God I have to think uhhhh.. Probably Father's Day, a DBD AU fic that's tooth rottingly sweet, imo. I know Babies Ever After isn't for every character but I really do hold it close to my heart for Evan and Meg ;3;

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not in a while, but it's not uncommon. I write everything from Incest to underage to bestiality to snuff to necro... so it usually sets people off. Doesnt happen as often as it used to though

9. Do you write smut?

Looks at 85 of my 146 fics being marked Explicit

Yea

10. Do you write crossovers? 

Sometimes! But it has to be an idea that reeeeally grabs me

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

Yep, have had some translated to Chinese, Russian, and Spanish

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

Yep, at least one published, partially finished long fic

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Thats a cruel thing to ask a bitch with ADHD

but I think it'd be BlackIce (Jack Frost x Black Ice) from Rise of the Guardians

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

HAHA ONE?

I have dozens that are half done or just a line in a document... Id love to finish them, but most will never see the light of day

16. What are your writing strengths?

God. idk. Tell me what my strengths are??

I'd like to say 'capturing characters voices'. I think im good at that...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Probably writing action. I can see it so cool in my head but writing it down?? uggghghhghh

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I don't usually write dialogue in other languages BUT I have done it for Encanto fics! I usually try to find someone who speaks the language if I'm not confident in writing it but with Spanish I know my way around it enough to feel relatively confident.

19. First fandom you wrote for? 

Harry Potter waaaaay back 2011-ish? on FF.Net lol. Always loved Drarry and Snarry, you can see even back then I had my Tastes figured out XD

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? 

idk man, I really don't. I've written a lot I enjoyed at this part, fics Ive gone back and read more than once! But I just cant make myself Pick one or even a top three.... So you'll JUST have to read all 146 and figure out which one YOU guys like (just avoid the ones that make you wanna die inside I wont blame you!)

I! AM not gonna tag anyone! Do this whole questionnaire if you want!! I love you guys! Thank you TTC I love you too!!!!!

[diarydigitaldina]

Bestfriend forever (?)

When i was a kid, and teenager i dreamed to have bestfriend and squad. It just naturallu happened as a human right? We're all need somebody close in our life.

Throwing back to the elementary school, i remember i had a friend name Dian- back then i think i always kind to her, give her food, snack, clothes, and i always visit her home just to play with her, think we were gonna be bestfriend forever but it end up not that good. I dont remember the detail, but she make me dissapointed for some reason, i also move to another school so yeah we no longer friend after that.

At the new school i felt like i'm an outcase, maybe because the social status of our parents. There's a kid who came with a car, their parent are rich and ofcourse i can not be friend with them, we are just not on the same level. Another kid are the smart even tho their parent not rich but they have something to be proud, good brain. Again, after i came into this school i realize that i'm nothing here, just average student.

The one who close with me is Ria and Icha. There's two Icha there, Anisa aulia and Anisa sofiana. I dont like that anisa aulia because she always lookin down at me and underestimate me, i remember she give me a rolling eyes when i'm about to borrow pen to her, she think i cant even afford to buy good pen back then. I'm not close with her, just randomly sit with her because the teacher setting for it.

Another one is anisa sofiana, i called her icha. She is annoying ofcourse and also a cheater, she teach me how to cheat when we have daily exam, but we are close enough to be friend, i ever stay one night at her house too, her house is so big and i'm sure her parent is richer than mine. Among all the kid, i think the purest and kindess one is Ria, she just polite and kind, i dont remember if she ever hurt me like the others. Oh, also i have one friend close enough named Saras, she is also transferred student from other city, she move at the same place around my house so i often visit her house and play with them, she has a sister name icha too.

Everything was good, until someday i made a mistake. Saras parent went to groceries and i dont remember how i can went with them too, i just too excited and told my other friend that saras parent bought so much things untill the recepies are so long, i dont have any bad intention just feel amazed back then, because my parent never did that. But Saras maybe dont like it, and she act different to me after that. I spent one year on that school, tbh i just dont like the people, and the teacher, i feel like i cant blend myself with them, i just no one and nothing. My father ask me to move school again when i'm 5th grade.

So, this is the beggining. I meet so many annoying people. I dont want to talk about the struggle being new student there, just glad that my mother is a teacher on that school and feel like i have a previllege.

The chairmate named Vina look so annoyed with me, i dont know why but she always act like she afraid if i'm taken her place, she used to be the #1 there. But when i'm come, i'm good at some subject that she dont. So yeah, it obvious she hate me for that, but i also dont remember why i can be friend with her, i also visit her house, and play with her a lot. Or maybe she just pretend to be my friend? Because until the end she hate me that much, i can see it obviously from her face.

Siska is one of my good friend, she is pretty and playfull. I also often visit her home and play with her often, we ever fight for some reason that i dont remember, another friend is wilfa and ilmi, they're just ordinary friend i dont have any problem with them. If i remember again i have so much people hate me, sinta, ria, vina, they often make me sad and cry. It's a bad memories that i dont want to remember.

My mother said to me dont be too close with someone, they will hurt you in the end. And now i believe that word, i think i treat them with kindess and royalty but they betrayed me, so i dont i have a bestfriend until i'm graduated for elementary school.

[ruminate88]

Fake It Till You Make It? 🥴

My aunt and my uncle said to me before “I’ve never seen anyone love someone so much as your husband loves you” 😭😭😭😭 I was thinking in my head “I just don’t see it or believe it” BUT WHY CANT I????

The first year of marriage I got cellulitis in my blood stream at Christmas and had to be hospitalized for 4 days hooked up so many I.Vs all full saline and antibiotics to basically cleanse all that stuff out of my system. I was all swollen and exhausted. You can not rest in a hospital. My husband only left my side one time ever to rush home and take a quick shower and change his clothes. The antibiotics they gave me, made me extremely nauseous so they had to give me a separate shot to cure the nausea but then THAT shot made me drowsy to where I couldn’t keep awake. Yet they kept waking me up every hour to check my vitals and make sure I wasn’t getting worse. I would say to my new man “go home and play your video games, I’m just laying here sleeping anyhow. You are probably bored and uncomfortable sitting there.”

My husband refused to leave my side… Now, I was grateful and trying to trust him with all my strength. I felt close to him somewhat but not completely. Even after Christmas, I pushed and pushed to feel close to him. I was planning our future. Our kids and old age. My husband has even talked about “when we’re older” and it almost makes me cringe 😫 ugh it sucks!!!!!!!

This morning even, before the alarm went off. I purposely laid my head over on his chest so he could wrap me up 🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I told myself “this is what you want. This is real. He loves you and he IS trustworthy.” God please I want to believe it and feel it. I’ve been so disconnected and frustrated in my heart. My husband has been the most real and genuine guy I know. When he talks about his job, I feel like he really wants to be a good employee and make his boss look good. When he talks about his family, I sense he truly has their back and puts them first. When he talks about other people, I NEVER hear him say a bad word about someone unless he thinks they’re a really bad person…. Like, he’s sooo real.

Every time my husband has made any mistake tho, I’ve jumped into the overthinking, over analyzing and worrying, that, “oh what if he’s been pretending just like Andrew did?? What if he’s been lying all this time??” 😖 it’s miserable to live like this!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!

This *invisible wall* in front of me, has me working harder than I’ve ever had trying to either get around it, jump over it or even go through it. HOW DO I REMOVE THE EMOTIONAL BARRIER???? I mean, I intentionally married my husband. I said yes to him and chose him. (Despite being trauma bonded to Andrew and forcing myself to block his number and walk away) I know I believed my new man was nicer than any of my exes and he could respect me more than anyone else!! Just…. I can’t feel it. I’ve tried to fake it till I make it. (Basically that’s awful but I mean, I couldn’t trust myself after Andrew.)

Some days I’ve cried inside so hard thinking Andrew and Cody stole my ability to feel love but that’s a lie!!!! I just know it is. They didn’t steal my ability, they broke my trust. I have to rebuild trust daily and I’m trying so freakin hard. I’ve talked to my mom in law a little bit about it and she said it was emotionally mature of me to recognize my problem and accept accountability for it. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

My husband sometimes treats me like he’s my “father” too even though I’m a lot older than him lol and he purposely gets over protective. Yet he buys me stuff as his way to “show love” and I have trouble accepting the gifts cuz I don’t feel like I deserve anything nor do I want gifts. I just want to feel good. I just always feel bad for my past. I’ve felt so much guilt and shame from Andrew. Andrew slut shamed me so much for sending him my nudes even though he’s asking for them and flirting with me. Lying to me that he loved me when he was just using me. 💔

I’m working to forgive myself too not just Andrew or Cody or Jake. It’s been a long road and so difficult but a learning process too. I am daily convincing myself my exes lied to me and that my husband is everything I’ve ever wanted and needed….. I’ve got so much to work on and do better at. ONE DAY AT A TIME ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[chrysantheus]

i was too open-minded about things since i was a child. i knew my problems, what i lack at, what i don’t and can’t have, i knew every bit that’s wrong about me. i know that i cant have what i want. even at 8 years old i doubt everything about myself. i know how miserable my family, myself, and my life is. and with that, i gave up at a young age. i’m still young, i know that, but why can’t i be like others my age? why can’t i act and think like others my age? why do i have to live this miserable life? why?

at 8 years old, i knew how my family isn’t financially stable and mentally connected. that’s why we grew and i grew up, having issues. that was also when i opened my mind on why i always feel like i don’t belong, even when i’m with my family. it’s because my family isn’t emotionally stable and financially. i didn’t get to be as close as how my cousins were close. i didn’t get circles of friends as how others has it. and that’s when i tried to understand everything. i tried to be independent and open about it. trying to understand everything opens new positive and negative things. why was i opened about a lot of negativity? is that how my life really is? is this what fate is?

my mom said, when i was a kid, my father said to his friends that he regrets me. was that because he knew i’ll adapt everything that surrounds me? was that because he knew how i’ll be?

for the past few years, i tried to change everything. my family kept on being how they are before. still as shitty as how they are. they never changed. i still tried hard to change everything about myself because i hated myself. and i didn’t because of them. i gave up. i realized maybe this is who i am after all. this is how i’ll live forever.

after years, i tried again. i felt like i can still change who i am. i’m not this person. i am just who i am because this is how family problems influenced me. i did, i changed a bit. i became distant and more focused in my social life. i tried to have as many friends as i want since it’s what i didn’t have as a kid. i became happy in a little amount of time. i opened my self too early in love. i never felt loved by anyone so i tried to feel it in others. but i never did. face-to-face classes came, and it again caused me to give up. i was self-conscious and viewed myself as ugly even at 6 i think. i remember changing my hair color when i was in first grade because i felt like black hair color looks ugly on me. i also feel like i was always excluded at school and with my cousins because i was the ugly one. i was always compared physically. so, face-to-face classes made me so self-conscious because i always compared myself to others since i adapted how they always compare me. i felt everything negative so i had mental breakdowns and in that point, i started to starve myself. how i wish i can do that again. i am still as conscious as how i was before. maybe even worse.

recently, i really tried to understand everything. i feel like i shouldn’t give up. there’s still a lot of me even after this. i tried and tried to give solutions to my problems. if i don’t feel love, and then i shouldn’t love. i’m ugly, so i should try to have many skills in exchange. okay, is it that easy? no it isn’t. my family is still as how they are. they viewed me as how i am before even when i tried to change, so i always come back as who am i before. right now, i don’t care if i don’t have friends and if i feel excluded. i wanna be loved by my family, i wanna be loved by everyone. i wanna feel pretty. i wanna be loved by everyone without changing myself. i wanna be understand as how i under my self. but i can’t. i’m again starting to give up. maybe this is who i really am after all.

[edelblau]

vent (readmore is iffy for me sometimes so my apologies if this gets dumped to the tl in full)

i keep dwelling on my dad and i really shouldnt but. idk

i used to idolize him a lot when i was young. my mom was really dedicated to work and was largely absent due to overworking herself and also had no hobbies, while my dad was ... like. a cool gamer. and also home a lot more. but i was also very afraid of him because he was often verbally abusive and scary to be around with horrific anger management issues.

but... its hard as a child to draw the line between 'normal parental scolding' and 'abusive yelling and genuine and constant fear', so i didnt think anything was wrong. i never even considered the fact that him and my mom splitting up could be his fault or an issue with the relationship and blamed myself and my grandparents. i only really let myself question it all when i was older.

once he split with my mom (the 2nd time) and moved he basically gave up trying to have a meaningful relationship. eventually, after a bunch of little. incidents. my therapist advised me to block his number and i did. but then, years later, he texted my mom asking about me and my sister, and i wanted to believe he changed but....

idk. even then, i think he only got in contact because he had split up with his gf. i tried so hard to keep up with it, but hed never initiate conversations, often neglect to respond or respond extremely late, and he has this habit of CONSTANTLY overexplaining why he cant get birthday gifts/christmas/etc . just. constant long stories of financial hardship. which is fine, i don't expect gifts, but it always just. overrides every conversation.

i dont even know how to communicate with him, because im afraid of him. if i have a problem, i cant say it in case i set him off. i cant say something he might disagree with. i cant be honest or candid. i want to believe he regrets the past, but he wont acknowledge it.

so i blocked him again, but i dont know. i feel like i should tell him and explain. i want to still keep giving him chances. hes rarely ever been a good father to me, but hes the only one i have. i dont want to be alone like this. but i also cant take it anymore. the constant stress of trying to fix the relationship and the radio silence. the constant fear that ill say something wrong. the knowledge that the only topic i feel 'safe' to broach is sending him a picture i drew. the realization that im not sure if he even retains anything i say to him or if it's all just a bridge for his next personal story. and the constant fear that it's all my fault. that if i was better it wouldnt be like this.

i dont know. i hate this. i wish i wasnt born.

[mimi-at6]

I remember how sad you made me. I just wanted you to love me when I dont know if I even really loved you. I dont want to talk to you and apart of me hates you for leaving me and that we did not work. I am mad at the rejection not the lack of being around you. When it was good it was really good and then it would turn. I would not want to see you but I thought "maybe he will show me he loves me this time" each time my heart would get broken. Every little kiss and hug meant so much to me and I dont even know why. I am so fucking depressed. Not without you with wasting so much time in these shitty relationships that just were nothing, actually nothing. I fear judgment. I fear I am going to sound like my ex boyfriend James and start sounding despaate and psychotic. I fear im like Andrys because of how jealous I can get but its because I know someone could cheat on me. I fear im like Nick beacause he broke my heart so much I dont want to fall inlove right no. He was my like everything and I did it I made him my everything. Now sean is making me his and I dont know if I want that. Hes 45 wtf do we even have in common. He lived my life 20 years ago. He probably does not even remember. Yeah hes nice I like the way he praises me and sometimes I could see myself falling inlove with him but then like I dont fucking know because I feel like I lost myself for a long time. After that second abortion I lost apart of myself I can not get back. I lost my ignorance. I took a stand and then I met Nick and he was everything my parents wanted what I didnt even know I wanted. In the beginning i questioned if I just loved staring at his body. I hated hen he would explain things to me or when he would chomp his fucking popcorn.I hated that we watched wrestling for 8 hours. He didnt give a fuck if i was ok he wasnt affectionate. He actually has 0 qualities I want in someone yet why am I sitting here sad over him? I think he took up a lot of my time and now I am alone in my thoughts and as liberating as that is its scarier than you think. Its terrifying. I sit here smoke get super stoned forget about my feelings then get my period and remember how deeply wounded of an indivual I am and I pretend with my adderall weed and coffee juul whatever that I am fine, but I actually am or feel like I am possibly losing my mind lol. Just kidding if anyone is reading and genuinely worried because I just am coasting in my life and i am scared that is not ok? Fuck my dad to be honest. He is the least affectionate father and I cant even remeber the last time he said something genuinely nice to me. He comments on every negative quality I could possibly hate and then walkls away and wonders why none of his kids are close to him. Sam is turning into a robot just like him I see it. Sam barely looks at me in the eyes and never tries to make conversation. This could be my paranoia but I see it. I forget sometimes if this is all in my perception and I should just worry about myself. Then again who am I to judge my own thoughts? Like what am i god? I am literally a 22 year old american what do i really think I could ever be perfect and the strive for perfection is the sickness that I know I am not the only one sick with anyway I am going to eat fluff now.

[glitchdollmemoria]

i think my couple years in the mormon church gave me an extra soft spot for the people caught up in it. like... i saw my mother go back to it after growing up mormon even after years of not being involved. i saw her want to leave again months later but feel forced to keep going because my stepfather insisted that the whole family needed to be mormon, he believed it and wanted to make sure the rest of us did too. i saw other queer kids who kept their queerness hush-hush. i went to girls camp and bonded with the other kids and teens there. i got blessings that were meant to help me, i started to believe the entry level things i was being taught.

even with all the fucked up shit the lds church teaches, the hateful and bigoted things, i only saw a smidge of it being a queer kid who was still new to the church. i knew my transness, and my attraction to ANYONE really because of my transness, was something i had to keep on the down low, but the people there were still my friends. i have to wonder how much the others in my age bracket even knew yet, since i know theres a lot that doesnt get revealed til youre an adult. and i have to wonder if any of them got out safely.

i get angry sometimes, on behalf of my own community and the other communities thrown under the bus by mormonism. it gets hard to reconcile that anger. there are people who have been and continue to be hurt by mormon beliefs, whether that was the more tangential stuff i was subjected to or the far more severe harm others have experienced. and there are also people raised within the church who dont even know about all that, or are cut off from points of reference to show them why that shit is bad. there are curious adults who get drawn in with the cult tactics used. there are secrets intentionally kept. i dont think that absolves people of guilt from harm they might have caused, but there are so many people who just had no choice. i was lucky, i had a father who didnt believe a single word of it and told me as such - even if his stark atheism led to me getting hurt when i told him i was converting to judaism, back in middle school he saved me from falling for a cult that hated my existence.

i have to wonder too if i was at least part of the reason my mother changed her mind. she knew i was queer, and even if she wasnt always the best ally, i think ultimately she really was trying. years later, when my sister was insistent on attending a queerphobic church, my mother was the one to ask her why she wanted to go to a church that preached against her own sibling. mom wasnt always the best but there was at least a part of her that cared. so i wonder if she was sitting there in the pews at the lds temple feeling worried about me. i wonder if thats part of why she changed her mind. i dont know. i cant ask her.

all of that is a very long winded way of saying i have complicated feelings about mormons and even if i get nervous when it comes to missionaries, even if i dont know if theyd be willing to step into an openly queer persons house once ive got my mezuzah and a whole truckload of other judaica in my home, even if theres a part of me that fears starting to fall for cult tactics again, i cant help myself from wanting to offer a drink and a snack and a friendly chat. im getting to an age where im older than missionaries now, instead of seeing them as "elders" to look toward for spiritual guidance. they get sent out so young to unfamiliar places where theyre constantly being watched. i cant not try to help them, even just by subtly showing them that there are kind people outside the church, and other ways to live. to the point that i find myself thinking about it on my own now and then.

[justcallmedust]

Maybe one day someone will read this that isnt a bot.

I am experiencing numbness in my face, on the right side, from my eye and behind it all the way down my cheek to the right nostril, corner of my mouth down to the jaw. This has been happening for a few months now. The toes on my right foot are also experiencing random numbness, only the smaller 3 tho.

I know these things could be associated with the Epstein Barr, Hypothyroidism or even the Lupus. I can't see a doctor about it so I wont every know for sure but its concerning because my father has diabetes and he experiences foot numbness also.

Yesterday the invitation for my youngest brother in law's wedding came and along with it was an invite to a bridal shower. When I saw it I felt my throat begin to close, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down because vertigo was right behind me. Once i regained control of myself, my first instinct was to tear them both up. I mean, theres no way I could possibly go to either of these things. The cost alone for nice clothing for 6 people would exceed a mortgage payment.. like how could we even? But its so much more than that.

I absolutely hate weddings, I think it is the most ridiculous and uneccesary thing people waste time and money on. I never would have gotten married myself if it werent for all the shit we went through with the custody battle between ourselves and my step-sons grandparents. NONE of which was even worth it, we should have just walked away - everything would be different now. But thats moot. Had that whole shit show not happened I would not be married right now, because it was, and is an outdated and useless tradition.

But its more than that too; I had no bridal shower, didnt receive any gifts.. I didnt even invite anyone to our wedding and it stands firm as one of the worst days of my life - and not just because I got married - it was an actual shit show of a day. We got married in the apartment we lived in at the time on one of the hottest days of that year, it was over 100 degrees and the cake my mother in law brought with her melted before we even said I do. I didnt even want a wedding, I wanted to sign the paper and just call it a day because it meant nothing to me. My mother in law happened to be ordained to perform marriages and instead of just signing that stupid paper she had to bring a wedding to my house. Only one of my friends came because I needed a witness to also sign the paper so I only invited her - we don't even talk anymore, she ghosted me about 10 years ago. Thanks for that btw KS. Right after we said I do, the snotty teenager shouted "what the heck was that" and I will never forget the sound of his winey little shit voice. Some of the local riff raff came over and it eventualy turned into a not nice party. The husband was shitfaced and eventually became abusive once everyone left and then passed out on the living room floor angry with me - as usual. No one that was there is part of our lives anymore, aside from his mother and my parents.. and our kids of course.

I have gone through phases where I wished I could have had a nice wedding with someone I loved surrounded by loved ones, but now I know I've run out of time for that. In the years that passed I attended the wedding of a friend I still am in contact with.. tho I never contact her because she's a lot and I burnt out on our friendship years ago. But I care about her and I just leave it where it is.. but the wedding was highly triggery and I knew then that I could not put myself through that again. Maybe if one of my kids gets married.. I dunno. All I do know is, I cannot handle the mental olypics I need to do to be ok at an even like this. So many things and emotions running through my head, I simply don't belong there. Also, at some point I will no longer be family to them and they wont even want the memory or pictures of me there ruining their happy day. I cant even smile with this mouth full of broken teeth..

I don't care if they hate me or if everyone thinks I'm wrong for not going. I can't do it.

[crispypatata]

Cutting ties

It's not about exes (God I hate them🤣😂🤣) or your frenemies. I mean do you have this unresolved issues or baggages that you carry all throughout these years, like toxic relatives, homophobic childhood friends or high school buddies. I was just a typical child that time but skinny, a little timid and not into sports. I was a victim of low key random bullying. I remember when going on sleep overs with my cousins or attending family reunion. I always heard hurtful names, I clearly remember them calling me "shokie", "baklush", badaf and always teasing me with a high pitch shriek "aaaaaay" then bending their hands like this 💁🏻‍♂️💁🏻‍♂️💁🏻‍♂️ whenever when I was around. I also remember my uncles always touching my dick and joking that I need to use it with girls like wtf! I was in elementary. How could you say these things to a young child? I was also left alone during showers when all of my male cousins were showering all together. It's not that I like to see their dicks 🤣(I'm not into dicks till college😂), its just that I felt left out, isolated. I sense that I don't belong. I vividly remember the day when I stumble on the road while playing. I fractured my arm that time, my left arm was swollen and in pain. My cousins told me to man up because I complain like a girl. One of my cousins say sorry after my arm was casted. One time when I answer the phone, I got excited to the news of classmate and kinda laugh in a high pitch tone. My father overheard me and shouted " para kang bakla tumawa ganyan ka ba makipagusap sa telepono"? I don't know if my friend heard it but suddenly I became monotonous. There were a lot of things that I can mention but these were etched in my mind up to now. I don't go to any family reunions since then. I turned off all the notifications of the group chat with relatives. I want to remove myself but I don't want drama so I'm the passive member of the group. I rarely post on facebook because most of my relatives were there, I don't want them to be updated in my life. I rather use instagram and twitter( though I still use FB for chismis😂😂😂 ). Some people thought I'm being too hard to myself for bearing these grudges, they said I should forget these and move on. Cliché as it seems but they don't know what I've been through. Sometimes I question my existence and have thoughts of ending it. Good thing I cant think of a painless death that time🤣🤣🤣. But seriously I came to that point of my life that I got tired of thinking even losing my faith. I maybe physically well but deep inside me something still there. Emotional scar?? I don't know, maybe I need closure? How can I give forgiveness if it was not being ask in the first place? How can I get over this baggage within me. I don't want to open up. It's like opening up close wounds. So am I the problem here?😂😂😂 I just think it is okay to cut ties with these kind of people even if they are you relatives. I will forgive but definitely not forget. Time heals all wounds but the problem is when? There are no time frame or deadlines for healing. I'm okay now but if you ask me if things will be the same again.... no.

[impostergir007]

another day has passed and the only good thing about that is im closer to dying than ever before please fucking kill me let me die my fucking mentality is shattered i dont want to die i need to die i must die i have to die please kill me the only thing stoping me from racking a round and blowing my defective brains out is screaming into the void which never responds only swallows my cries for death by now i must accept that I am immortal and doomed to suffer my own existance for an eternity i cna only belive that my own self hatred and desire to die stems from the fact that I am a horrid abomination of a life form and this is my punishment i can not die my retarded memory deficient brain can’t remember the sins i commited to deserve this but all I know is that I do deserve this immortality while my only desire is to die and fade from all existance the only thing that brings a constant smile to my face is the thought of that rope tightening as the stool wobbles and i let gravity take hold the taste of the barrell after I dip it in kraft mac and cheese powder for one last trip to flavor town its either that margarita salt or koolaide powder idk but all i know is the thought of killing myself is the onyl thing to put a smile on my face anymore spending time with friends is a chore and an annoyance the best part is when they leave im so fucking jaded now that I cant even enjoy spending time with the people I promised I would not kill myself too i dont want help i just want to stop existing i want to get knocked down so hard that I cant get up im tired so tired i cant keep fighting i dont want to fight just fade away like light in the dark my heart is filled with too much hate to exist i should not be allowed to continue breathing why wont i die and despite these feelings i have had vivid dreams of dying only to experience sorrow at hte fact I was not able to die as i saw fit i was in my bed and drifted towards my window nearly crying thta i had died until i touched the cold unfeeling glass which snapped me back to reality making me realize i may not want to die but I wnat ot kill myself when I am sad to stop feeling sad when I am angry so not to hurt anyone when i am happy to die happy when i am bored as i see no purpose in my continued existance im too fucking old to start over i wasted my life by not being good enough why do I linger while my friends and family have cancer heart attacks and strokes when they have lives to live and I am the one who wants to die they have value i have none i dream of time travel just to go back and beat the shit out of myself then kill myself trapping myself in a time paradox erasing my existance over and over its what I deserve nothing i do will ever make up for the wrong doings of my own existance i dont even enjoy my fave holiday Halloween anymore I havent celberated Christmas in nearly 20 years this time of the year just pisses me off calls to help the homeless and poor come flooding in but when March and spring roll around there is no care for them anymore what the fuck and my birthday what am I celebrating? the fact that 9 months prior my father’s pullout game was weak? I hate myself more than anything in existance and I have a lot of hate in my heart for the human race as a whole my friends are becoming a waste of time my hobbies are just expenses i fear my only true friend is the bottle i fear for the future i want to care for them I knowmy friends are good people and want to spend time with them but my life is too draining and human contact from wokring 12+ hours 6+ days a week is just too much human contact my mind is worn down i cnat even remember 1/2 the shit my friends speak of they talk of how we met adventures we had and i have 0 memory of these events i take their word for it and nod in silemce like I do remember the only record of this past life are photos I dont even remember taking i cant remember past 3 months ago i have to struggle to remember beyond that my brain my body and my soul are fucked and crumbling but still i linger on with only a true desire to die which may stem from a lack of control in my life i wanted to die by the age of 14 and now i have spent over 1/2 of my life wanting to die I constantly regret everytime i stopped myself from killing myself before I promised my friends i would nto kill myself my happiest dreams are of me being told that I have terminal cancer where I can quit my job relax for 3-4 months then kill myself before the cancer can get me i want to control my life not just be a leaf floating on a timeline of my own existance and now i must do the only thing that stops my urges to kill myself going to bed which I cant even sleep right anymore i can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time after spending 1-2 horus trying to sleep then waking for an entire hour and struggle to sleep once more over and over i have not had a full sleep in nearly 10 years i can feel it in my heart my body is breaking but I am forced to endure I was born to die and forced to live I am at the point where any dangerous risk presented to me is not met with a let me think about this no its met with we all gotta die sometime and then proceed to do what must be done without hesitation or a second thought my half ass attemtps at slumber are the only thing qwelling the urge to kill myself other than the fact that I have work in the morning which is now more important to me than the promises I made to my friends that I would nto kill myself which proves how bad of a human I am i worry more about my own employement than how my friends would feel if I d9ied good night and I hope you all have a good night and if not now I hope soon you can all live the proper lives you deserve and live in happiness thought i see nothing good on the horizon only further suffering of all and the best scenerio outcome is that of nuclear annihlation which I actively crave there for I can finally have a legit reason to kill myself beyond that I hope anyone reading this finds the happiness they rightfully deserve

[lolo-loco]

Late night musing

[thebuttsmcgee]

Hey there everyone my mom asked me if I wanted to be put in a mental hospital and I've been feeling more on edge than usual cause I'm afraid of what if she gets the virus.

[nyashykyunnie]

Might as well hope on the bandwagon. May I please request a Father Xiao scenarios? Maybe his child can be a half-adeptus like ganyu (Child auto-corrected to Childe when I was typing this xD)

A/N: took me awhile to think of a Xiao hc cuz I was tryna choose between some scenarios AHWHEGW Also SAME, MY PHONE AUTCORRECTS INTO CHILDE ALL THE TIME AHAHAGAGSG AND YES XIAO HAVING A HALF-BLOOD CHILD EEE NGL HE GONNA BE EXTRA PROTECTIVE AHADHJADGS I’m so excited for this ehehh. Also tyvm for the req!!! I hope you enjoy this anon!! Btw this was supposed to be for three charas but I got carried away with xiao so ahah,.... Woops =w=;;

𝙵𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛! 𝕏𝕚𝕒𝕠 x 𝙶𝙽! 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍! ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣

.     　﹢　˖    　✦      ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸.    ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ 　 ｡　☆ ✦˖

Having a child, with his own blood running through your veins, you being the spitting image of him- Was the last thing Xiao could ever imagine ever happening to him.

It’s understandable that he was really shocked to know you are his. Xiao is, after all, the Conqueror Of Demons. He is more than used to being in battle, always being on high alert and ready to slash any enemy down since it isone of his duties as the Vigilant Yaksha who protects Liyue.

Xiao was very cautious around you. With your small and fragile body, he feared that even touching you was enough to kill you. The Wangshu Inn keeper had to teach him ‘how’ to hold you because Xiao’s fear of holding you might just make him stay ten feet away from you at all costs.

He watches over you from afar, always ready to strike at whatever dares to bring you harm.

Though, most of the time, the yaksha is always leaving you to Verr Goldet’s care so he can fulfill his duties. It was fine at first- Until Verr had to talk to Xiao about it. He told him that he shouldn’t be too focused  on that job. 

She told him the possibilities of his constant negligence of you, she told him you might grow “Deprived From Fatherly Affection”. Xiao was shocked of course, he didn’t really know that. 

He felt guilty, he was so blinded by not wanting to inflict any form of harm on you, he didnt expect that it’ll inevitably lead you to growing some unwanted mindsets and habits.

Xiao isn’t really one for affection, there’s no need to explain that. Majority of his skills are more on the ‘slaughter’ and ‘exorcise’ expertise.

Regardless, he is not just a protector of Liyue now, he is a ‘father’ now. Specifically your father. This new responsibility isn’t something he will run away from.

Don’t expect much from him though. Xiao is still hesitant to some extent, he’s trying to figure out how he will interact with you.

 Unlike him, you’re fragile. More fragile than glass. He’s afraid of exerting accidental force that will lead him to hurting you. You’re just too small- so small can’t even reach pass his knees(Please this yaksha is just overthinking too much)

Baby steps, that’s what he’ll do. Slow and steady so he wont be too overwhelmed.

He starts off by simply talking to you, maybe even playing with you for a bit with enough begging. Xiao slowly got used to handling you as time went by. Verr was even suprised at one point when she saw Xiao handling you during your tantrums. 

Xiao made good progress with you. He didnt even know that he was unconciously getting attached to you, he didnt know that he adored your presence. He didn’t realize that he gets a little frustrated when he needs to leave you behind. Xiao developed his ‘father instincts’ to such a level to the point that he sometimes wished his Yaksha responsibilties were less demanding.

When you are trouled with nightmares- Xiao will put some stuff to wardoff evil. Though, he also heard that child mortals are more effectively comfoted if they are sung a lullaby, so he’ll do that. Just... Don’t tell anyone else or that will be your last (maybe)

The immortal sometimes even comes home with new clothes since he knew that children grow and he wouldn’t want to see you struggling with the small fit ofyour clothing. He also makes sure to put some spells on them too to ward off evil.

 Xiao unconciously spoils you, his mind always drifting; ‘Maybe they’ll like something like that. Mortal children I’ve seen are fond of those stuff’.  Naturally, he’ll make a way to afford that small gift for you. If he cant, then he’ll just learn how to make it himself.

He loves you, he just doesnt know how to convey that. Being an adepti, being raised as a machine for war- Love wasn’t something he is great at. But even if it’s that, he’ll still strive for you secretly. Xiao will no doubt make the most descreet efforts to adore you. He still doubts himself even after all the progress he’s made in becoming close to you.

“Silk Flowers!” You squeel in delight as you spotted a bouquet of it from afar. You dash off from Xiao’s side, making the adepti startled and call out your name.

But still you were a child, of course you just kept running and running until the ground beneath you rumbled at what seems like caused from footsteps. Your feet wobbled and almost knocked you off of your feeting. Then it stopped, a huge shadow looming over your small figure. You look up only to have the color of your face drained.

“D-Daddy!” You cried out in absolute horror, falling down to the ground. You were terrified, how could you not? Monsters were real, and one of those monsters was about to murder you in cold blood. “Daddy! Help!”

Just at the beast was about to swing it’s flaming axe towards you- The  wind shifted, as if slicing through the air and knocking back the mitachurl.

“How dare such filthy demon dare to even make their presence in front of my child, let alone even dare to strike!” Xiao growled, his eyes flaming gold from raw fury as he walked with the air dancing violently around him. “ I’ll make you pay”

Xiao’s voice was flooded with resentment, his primodial jade radiated as it felt it’s master’s sudden abundance in power. He spun it as his Yaksha mask formed in his face. At the roar of the enemy, Xiao leapt forward, striking the demon in overwhelming speed. He moved so fast it’s too the point the mitachurl wasn’t given any chance to react. But was it done? No, not even a little bit. That demon frightened you to the point your voice faltered in calling him. He has seen you in tears but never to this extent. Xiao was fuming as he plunged down, his anemo spears stabbing the enemy with no hint of sympathy. 

When he finally finished the kill, Xiao’s mask disintegrated and immediately walked to your crying state. He clicked his tounge, feeling a huge pang in his heart as he saw you this disheveled.

“Da-daddy!” You wailed, reaching your arms out for him desperately as your tears clouded your eyes. “Waah!”

He wanted to scold you, he really did. But the sight of you crying like this made the words stuck in his throat. Xiao instead lifted you in his arms, letting you bury your face on the crook of his neck and sob freely. You soaked his shoulder and Xiao didn’t complain, he just rubbed your back to let you know he is there.

“Does anywhere hurt?” His nonlachant voice rung in your ears softly, stealing your attention. “If there is, better tell me now or those wounds will cause  further damage in you.”

“[Y-y/n] is bad.” You hicupped. “[Y/N] is so bad daddy is now ou-ouchie. Daddy now hates [Y-Y/N]”

“Hate? You mortals have odd ways of thinking” Xiao sounded a little rough, making you flinch. “Don’t be ridiculous, I would never bear such hostility towards you. Moreover, I’m not hurt. I’ve lived for thousands of years, pain is something minimal for an adepti such as myself.”

He scoffed.

“On the other hand, your life is counted by only one hand. You have yet to experience what life will truly bring you.” Xiao’s voice started to soften bit by bit as he softly squeezes your small body towards him more “However, I am your father. If darkness decides to crawl at your feet and even when you are frigthened of what’s ahead- Call out my name. I’ll always be there.”

“Da-daddy promises?” You look up to stare at his amber orb. “Daddy will make monsters go bye-bye?”

“Yes” He simply answered. “Now stop your noisy crying, we’re going back to eat.”

He appears cold, his way of talking always straight to the point, but still he loves you. Adeptus Xiao, the guardian yaksha, his power will not simply be used in order to slaughter the darkness creeping around Liyue. With his Vision and might as Alatus, the Golden-Winged King,... He will protect you at all costs and raise you no matter how he is troubled regarding his difficulty in making much of emotions.

You are one his greatest gifts, a treasure he will sincerely hold in his heart forevermore. It doesn’t matter if his karmic binds attack him, he will venture out of it for you. 

A/N: AIGHHTT AAAA ITS MY FIRST TIME WRITTING FOR XIAO HNNN, Did I do good??? AAAA I DUNNO AHDKSGF. I hope you all liked it hngghhhh ;___; Also I’m sorry for being inactive a lot AAAAA, school is starting to get mre and more demanding. I have more hcs upcoming so dw! I wont end up completely turning into a dead ghost!

[scarletemeterio-thesecond]

Hello! Could i request a Sokka imagine where the reader is Tophs older sister who tries to leave her home when Toph join the Gaang? The MC is an outcast in her family, even by Toph. Toph doesnt want her to join because she claims she cant bend so shed be useless, this makes Sokka defend her and she joins along. The real reason shes an outcast in her family tho, is because shes a fire bender, and she has to hide her secret, only reavling the truth by accident after protecting Sokka in battle.

i absolutely loved this concept and i finally managed to finish this fic, i am so sorry for the long ass wait, but i'm starting to catch up on some old requests. hope you like it!

•••

Secrets (Sokka x Fem!Reader)

Warnings: none i think

Genre: Fluff i guess

Fandom: Avatar The Last Airbender

Summary: See request

Word Count: 1938

Reader uses she/her pronouns

•••

Being home was too much for (Y/N). She felt like she was invisible in her own family. The Beifongs had taken her in when she was little, but when they found out that she was a firebender, things changed completely.

When Toph was little, they were quite close, but then her parents managed to break them apart. They'd tell Toph that she was dangerous but also that she was useless because she couldn't bend.

So during the last few years, she felt like an outcast. She would go to the ring most of the time and analyze the movements of the fighters, trying to train herself. She eventually managed to improve her firebending, which had an unique style based on earthbending, but she still had a lot to learn.

She stopped going to the ring once she realized that Toph was the Blind Bandit, she didn't want to run into her outside of the house, but kept practicing on her own.

But suddenly one day the Avatar came to her home. He was looking for an earthbender teacher and she immediately knew that the person he was interested in was Toph. Dinner was a little awkward, but once everyone was ready for bed, things seemed much calmer.

(Y/N) was outside the house, enjoying the fresh air of the night when suddenly, she heard her sister talking.

''Even though I was born blind, I've never had a problem seeing. I see with earthbending. It's kind of like seeing with my feet, '' she said. ''I feel the vibrations in the earth, and I can see where everything is-- you, that tree, even those ants. And also my sister around here somewhere,'' she chuckled at her words. Even though they didn't have the best relationship, it was nice hearing Toph call her her sister. It made her feel a bit normal, even if back at the house she was still an outcast.

She stopped paying attention to the two kids and lost herself in her thoughts, but she got out of her trance when she heard an unfamiliar voice. (Y/N) went running back to the house and desperately called her parents.

''What's the meaning of this?'' Asked her father, clearly annoyed at the noise.

''Toph and the Avatar! Someone took them!''

Everyone went outside, following her, and they realized that the captors had left a note.

''If you want to see your daughter again, bring 500 gold pieces to the arena,'' read the girl from the Water Tribe. ''And it's signed 'Xin Fu and The Boulder.'''

''Master Yu, I need you to help me get my daughter back.''

''We're going with you,'' said the waterbender.

''I wanna go, too,'' said (Y/N). She was looking at her father as the words left her mouth.

''No, you can't come, (Y/N), you-.''

''I don't care. I know you've broken the relationship between me and Toph, but she's still my sister and I want to go.''

''You're not a bender, (Y/N), it would only be for the worse.''

''You know I can help,'' she muttered, knowing that her father knew what she meant.

There was a small pause while they shared a look. ''Fine, you can come, but don't try to do anything you might regret.'' He walked away from her and soon they all headed towards the arena.

Once Toph was free, her father finally saw what she was capable of. The way back to the house was awkward, to say the least.

After the conversation that Toph had with her father, there was a bigger tension in the house than usual.

A few moments later, (Y/N) heard some noise close to her room, and when she opened the door a little, she realized that her sister was escaping. She considered the idea of staying home, of being the only Beifong daughter and she couldn't think of something worse.

So as fast as she could, she changed her clothes to something more comfortable and ran quietly outside.

"Wait, guys! Please!" Said (Y/N) while running towards the group. "I wanna come too," she told them. "Please?"

She could see how Aang, Katara and Sokka all started nodding with smiles on their faces, but whem she looked at Toph, her expression was completely different.

"You can't," said the girl.

"What? Why not?"

"Yeah, Toph, what's the problem?" Asked Katara.

"Look, (Y/N), I don't mean to offend you but why would you even come with us?"

"Because I don't belong here, and you know it."

"You're not a bender, you would only be a liability to us."

"Hey! Don't be like that, Toph!" Exclaimed Sokka.

(Y/N) already had some tears on her eyes but quickly got rid of them. She didn't want the others to see her cry.

Sokka got down from Appa and stood next to (Y/N). "(Y/N) is coming with us, okay? Now let's go, we don't want to waste any time." He grabbed the girl by the arm and helped her get on top of Appa.

During their whole journey away from the Beifongs' house, Sokka and (Y/N) talked a lot.

He liked having someone like him around, it made him feel like he wasn't so alone; and she liked feeling like someone cared a little bit about her.

-

The days went by and (Y/N) could finally tell that she'd found her new family. Even her relationship with her sister had improved significantly since they'd both left home.

Still, no one knew that she was actually a firebender. She hated lying to everyone but she also didn't know how to tell them; in her head, she thought that they wouldn't want her to be with them anymore, she was afraid.

"Hey, (Y/N)," she heard someone say. She looked up and saw Sokka standing next to her. He took a seat by her side. "What are you thinking about?"

"Hi, Sokka. It's nothing, really," she tried to sound convincing but knew that she'd failed. Out of everyone in the group, Sokka was the one she was closest to. She even had a little crush on him, and the fact that she was lying to him was destroying her.

"You always say that but I never believe you."

"I already told you, Sokka, I can't talk about it." She looked at him and he gave her a sympathetic look.

"You can tell me anything, (Y/N). And I promise I won't tell your secret to anyone else."

"No, I can't. You'd hate me if I told you, trust me."

"What? I could never hate you!" He exclaimed and she smiled a little. (Y/N) knew he believed what he was saying, but would it still be true even if he found out what she really was?

Sokka took one of the maps he'd taken from the library, trying to decipher it while still enjoying (Y/N)'s company.

"Waterbending bomb!" Katara yelled from afar, and then everyone saw her get into the water, splashing everyone.

"Sure, 5.000-year-old maps from the spirit library. Just splash some water on 'em," complained Sokka.

(Y/N) couldn't help but giggle a bit at his reaction.

They had to figure out a way to finally get to Ba Sing Se, and The Serpent's Pass seemed to be the only way, but that was until they met a couple that told them about the ferries.

However, the plan was a total failure, so the only option they had left was the dangerous Serpent's Pass.

It wasn't easy, but they eventually made it to the great city of Ba Sing Se. But there was something waiting for them there: a drill with the Fire Nation insignia on it.

It was obvious who was behind that, the Fire Nation princess herself, along with her two friends. Luckily, Sokka came up with a plan, they were going to take the drill down from the inside.

"Okay, we're gonna go with Toph and then we'll get inside of it, okay?" Sokka said.

They all nodded and got ready to go, but the earthbender suddenly stopped for a second.

"(Y/N), I think that you should stay here."

"What?" She was confused. They had been getting along a lot better lately, but that comment took her by surprise.

"You could get hurt, it's not safe. Plus, well, you can't bend and you know that."

"Toph, I can take care of myself, okay? I told you a million times before!"

"I know, but-."

"She's coming with us," interrupted Sokka. "She is one of us and we won't leave anyone behind, okay? And she's not helpless, Toph."

The little girl tried to say something, but the young boy didn't let her.

When they finally reached the drill, Toph stayed outside, and the rest of them went inside.

"I need a plan of this machine. Some schematics that show what the inside looks like. Then we can find its weak points."

"Where are we gonna get something like that?" Asked Aang.

"Maybe we should break something, then some engineer would have to come to fix it," suggested (Y/N).

"Good idea," said Sokka, and he got on with it.

Once they had the map, they knew what they'd have to do, but it wasn't going to be easy.

Aang and Katara had to cut through the braces of the structure, but they turned out to be a lot thicker than they thought. They luckily realized they didn't have to cut all the way through them, instead it was enough with just cutting a little to weaken them.

All of them were focused on the braces, so the only one that noticed the three Fire Nation girls was (Y/N). She realized Azula was about to blast some fire towards Sokka, and she quickly pushed him away and instinctively threw some fire at her, too.

Everyone was shocked, even the three girls that were trying to fight them, but there was no time for explanations.

Katara, Sokka and (Y/N) escaped through the pipeline and even though the battle wasn't over, as soon as they were out of the drill Sokka started interrogating (Y/N).

"You were a firebender this whole time? Why didn't you say anything? And why doesn't Toph know? I mean, she's your sister and- Wait," he made a pause, suddenly realising something. "That was your secret, right?"

She nodded slightly, and looked away to try and hide her blushing face.

"(Y/N), how could you think we would ever hate you for that? That I would hate you?" She could see the hurt in his face, and she hated herself for it.

"The Fire Nation is the enemy, so I guess I figured you wouldn't want me in your team anymore if you found out where I'm really from."

"(Y/N), you can't change where you come from, and we would never hate you for that," said Katara in a sweet voice, still using her bending against Ty Lee.

Sokka wrapped his arms against (Y/N), which took her by surprise, but she quickly wrapped hers around his waist. "Thank you for protecting me back there. And once again, I could never hate you, okay?" They pulled away just a little to look at each other and then he kissed her forehead.

They knew they were still in the middle of a battle and that Katara was just a few meters away from them, but right there in that moment, it didn't matter. It was only (Y/N) and Sokka, wrapped around eachothers' arms, finally starting to realize their feelings for one another.

•••

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