#ethereal concept still has my head buzzing

[boba-beom]

I’m sorry but imagine straddling him, chest heaving and wandering hands all over your torso while he looks up at you with hazy eyes. like you’d hold his face, thumbs playing with his lip rings on either side of his lips, then he’d suck on your thumb whining abt how bad he wants to be inside you 🫠

[lunnybunny12]

Sirius Black x Reader (Soulmate)

A/N: This a soulmate AU (Takes place after deathly hallows and lets pretend Sirius is alive shall we) 

REQUEST: @graniairish​ hello love. i love your stories and for the first time i really dare to ask a request. could you maybe write a short story for me? reader is a muggle, and the great love of Sirius Black. she is his soulmate, his one. Because of the things that happened in the first war, she was bewitched with the obliviate spell to save her life. after Sirius is free again he finds her and tries to awaken her memories of him in the hope that she still loves him inside her soul. because for him she is still the one great love. 

Word count: 1438

No warnings 

Master list 

You were about 5 years old when you were told what soul mates were, why your parents and other peoples hearts would glow. You were told that when you met the love of your life, you'd get an overwhelming burn and as you got to know each other it would fade into a warm buzz. From what you'd heard it was the best feeling you could imagine. The youngest recorded soulmates were found in Edenburg in 1880 when they were 3 years old. As you got older however you fell out of love with the concept. Over the years you'd seen your friends, family even strangers find their mates and fall in love, have a family. You thought that you would have found yours by now. For all you knew they could have been in another country or even dead. There had been plenty of recorded cases of that on your time on earth.

Rain everywhere. Rain up the river, where it flows among green aits and meadows; Rain down the river, where it rolls defiled among the tiers of shipping and the waterside of a great city. Rain on the garden, rain on the gnomes. Rain creeping into all the nooks and crannies of your roof; Rain running down your fogged window as you refined the details of your painting. The brush strokes had to be as careful and controlled as possible.

A sudden gust of freezing wind choked the warm air around you, breaking your concentration. You were not in the mood for talking the day you had to get the painting finished by that afternoon (or at least that's what you told yourself) and you weren't exactly dressed for guests.

"JACK!" you yelled throwing down your brush and marching to your front door. "You better have a good reason for being...." Your eyes widened in fear.

It wasn't your brother as you expected but a man you recognised in one of Jacks papers. He was looking right at you, his piercing eyes staring right at you, cementing you in place. By the way, he was dressed, he wasn't some hobo off of the street. He wore a green and yellow pinstriped coat that stopped at his knees, navy blue trousers with a matching shirt underneath and a dark waistcoat.

"I didn't hear you knock" you gulped, eyes looking to the closest vase in case you needed to defend yourself. "Why are you in my house?"

"(y/n)" the man smiled taking a step closer in which you took a step back and grabbed the vase.

"Don't take another step closer or else the vase won't be the only thing smashed into a million pieces." He stopped, face in shock.

"Who are you and why are you in my house?"

"I understand, you're scared but listen to me..." He extended his hands to shield himself. That's when you saw the wand on his hip, he was a wizard... and if he was going to hurt you he would've by now.

"You're a wizard? You here for my brother because if so he hasn't lived here for a year." you breathed slowly lowering your "weapon".

"I'm a wizard yes. My name is Sirius black" He breathed regaining his composure, his hands still out in case you changed your mind. "And no I'm not here for your brother but he did sent me here."

"Jack (your last name)? Tall, black hair..." "Has a mole on his left eyebrow and a tattoo of an owl on his hand yes that Jack"

It checked out your brother did indeed fit that description. You sighed and told him to follow you into the kitchen.

"Are you going to keep that with you? he joked talking a seat at your kitchen table.

"Yes, yes I am," you stated, turning on the kettle. "You're a complete stranger who just broke into my locked house, I assumed you used your magic. which begs the question... What was so important that you couldn't have wait long enough to knock on my door?"

Sirius just sat there with a smile on his face. Like when you haven't seen someone in a long time and you were catching up.

"Were not COMPLETE strangers, (Y/n). In fact, we're far from strangers and be happy to explain if you'd drop that vase. Id feel allot safer." He looked so smug and you were having non of it.

"Fine, but hand over the wand"

"Why?"

An equally smug smile was plastered on your face "Id feel allot safer."

"Touche"

Since your brother was a wizard, you understood most of the lingo. What each spell meant and how it worked. The manes of important places like Hogsmead and Azkaban were words you had to learn to simply have a conversation with people in the wizarding world. But there was one spell or charm or whatever the hell they called it that had slipped your mind quite literally, "obliviate".  Sirius told you it was a memory charm,  that could be used to erase specific memories from an individual's mind.

"Why would anyone want to use that charm on me?" you asked pouring the pair of you a cup of tea. "I mean sure I'm a muggle but Jack is a wizard."

Sirius had sunk in his seat a little bit, he knew that you wouldn't believed him if he just treat out said it so he did the only thing that he could think of. When you went to place his tea on the table in front of him, he grabbed your wrist, accidentally making you drop it.

"What the hell!" you began to yell until you felt an unfamiliar feeling in your chest. When you looked and saw your heart it was... glowing?

Where was the burning? why didn't it hurt? When you looked back at him, his chest was glowing too. That couldn't have been right, the only way it wouldn't hurt was if you'd already ... met.

Your heart was going a million times a minute and your breathing was too quick for it to be doing anything. Sirius stood up, still holding your hand. He was so close he couldn't lose you again.

"listen I know, I know it's confusing and scary and all over the place but if you give me my wand... I can give back your memories. Make you understand" before he finished the sentence you fished the stick out of your pocket and shoved it into his chest.

"Hurry up before I pass out!"

----------------------------------------------------------

It was overwhelming at first when you met him. Like a fire was burning its way through your entire being, from the bottom of your toes to the tips of every strand of hair. It was a good burn, felt the same as blushing but internally. Then as if in sync, your hearts started to glow. For the first time in your life, you didn't feel so alone and he felt the same.

The pair of you were young and fresh-faced. Right out of school not knowing how ether of your worlds worked quite yet but you stayed together through it all. Years of emotions, conversations. arguments and apologies seemed to morph themselves into a relationship that worked for the pair of you. He was happy. You were happy.

Every smile and kind word, every annoyance, dances and songs you shared came flooding back to you. The day he was taken from you was the hardest thing you had to live with, you begged and pleaded with him to make you forget him and to save you from years of torturing yourself over what you could've done.... he did as you asked.

----------------------------------------------------------

You woke up on the floor, Sirius arms wrapped around you with his head on your shoulder. He was holding you like you were about to shatter into a million peaces. He was always gentle with you, even during the times you didn't want him to be. He would always stroke your hair and kiss your head and... you remembered.

It was so quiet. The rain was still thundering on your window. The worlds still turned but you didn't care.

A content smile curled onto your lips as your hands glided to hold his face. He still held onto you.

" Its good to be back, Padfoot. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me"

He leant down and kissed you. It was so long and heated and filled with so much love you could've exploded. Your hearts still glowing with a warm buzz you had become so familiar with.

"How could I forget my Soul mate?"

[emerald-amidst-gold]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you for the tag @dreadfutures! I really appreciate it! <3

Still working on the never-ending snippet (they’re chapters, really XD)! To be fair, this is a great exercise because it’s helping me utilize dialogue more! So, without further ado...

...The Anchor being a buzz kill. :3

---

“Fane..”, Solas said, slightly breathless as Fane explored and showed the warmth of a balm.

“Hm,”, Fane hummed as he finally found Solas’ pulse, fluttering and skipping. He pulled away a bit, eyes hooded as he watched the beating patch. “You’re getting excited already. Dangerous, my sky. Very, very dangerous.”

Solas let out an airy laugh, turning in his embrace a bit to rest his side against Fane’s front. He had to adjust his hold a bit and take his hand holding the mage’s jaw away, but he kept his eyes on the butterfly before him. It was tempting to...well, snatch it from the air, but Fane kept himself in control, even as he felt the sky begin to lay kisses along his neck. They were as light as air and near reverent, but no less hot with their underlying heat. It was making his mind haze with a different kind of smoke this time.  

“Ma’isenatha,” Solas murmured against where he was kissing, tender and sweet, but there was a note of...concern in its cadence? “...May I see your hand?”

What?

Fane blinked, the smoke clearing a bit. “Huh?”, he uttered in question, shifting his gaze away from the steadying butterfly to glistening orbs--lavender branching out from where the pupil was. Oh, he loved that hue. That hue, that very few saw…

Solas offered him a tiny smile. “Your hand.”, he repeated, a tentative touch appearing against an...oddly warm, blazingly warm, palm. Why was his hand so damn hot? It almost burned.

Fane drew his brows together, confused. “...My hand? Why do you--?”

Suddenly and before he could get the words out, the Anchor cracked within his palm--ancient magic still very much volatile from his earlier outburst. Fane hissed sharply. Damn it all! He forgot all about the Void-taken thing! Fuck! Just when he had been sure everything was as it should be again! Foolish! Foolish!

“Easy, vhenan,”, Solas soothed, one hand appearing upon his cheek and the other within his spasming hand. Within an instant, their fingers wound together, interlocking like a masterwork latch. “Breathe, and let us move from the floor. I can examine your hand better that way.” Blue orbs connected with his own, questioning and full of tender concern, even if they were a bit hard to make out from the suddenness of sharp daggers under his skin. “...Can you do that for me?”

Fane gritted his teeth at another pulse, growling deep in his chest, but he managed to jerkily nod. He could move, but by anything that was holy, he didn’t want to. The damned Anchor tended to skyrocket in its anger every time he jolted it, but...he could endure it. He could endure it if it meant it would just stop.

Solas gave him another reassuring smile, gingerly lifting himself off of where he was leaning against Fane’s front to stand. Fane nearly dragged the elf back down when another deep pulse of magic shot up his arm, but thankfully, not his head. It fucking burned like acid, however. The magic was less than it had been earlier, but it was still managing to seep from the slit and snake up his arm like ethereal vines.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,”, Fane cursed over and over, growling and snarling in the interim. “Fuuuck!”

He sucked in a deep breath and let it out shakily, trying to fight through the pain and nausea as he, none too gracefully, pushed himself off the floor with his free hand. To Fane’s surprise, the Anchor didn’t protest too awfully, only snapping against his wrist like a hand slapped another in reprimand. Still, it ached, burned, and screamed.

Solas’ hands appeared on him the moment he stood at full height, using both to lift the acid spewing hand up to his line of vision. Fane swallowed hard around pooling saliva and took in deep breaths through his nose as he let the mage work his magic. 

He watched as a slender finger glided along the brightly glowing opening, testing, teasing the familiar magic out with a gentle blue glow. The tendrils came outwards, but then abated minimally, cowing at calming blue, but they still carried fury underneath--pulsing and crawling. Fane grimaced at the sensation, stifling a pained growl. It would never end unless he chopped his arm off, would it? Or, well, if Solas took it away. Sadly, his sky didn’t have the capability or power to do that yet. Fane would be both relieved and not relieved the day that he did. For various reasons. Reasons they also needed to discuss sometime, but not right now. Not when his fucking arm was feeling like it was getting pulled through a rift!

Solas gave him a tiny smile, glancing up from his work. “You are doing well, my dragon.”, he praised before concentration hardened features that held the shadows and dual glow of magic, eyes going back down to focus. “What do you feel right now? Describe the sensations for me.”

Fane took in another deep breath. “Uh, c-crawling. F-Feels like there’s worms under my skin. Worms that are--are on fire.”, he tried to explain as best he could, but those blazing worms were wriggling, writhing as Solas gingerly ushered more of his magic into the mark. “I-It keeps knocking against that f-fucking ward, too.”

Solas glanced up again, but didn’t halt his ministrations. “It has not pierced through, correct?”

Fane shook his head with a shaky sigh. “No, but that’s because I’m…” He gasped a bit, a hard pound slamming into the walls of his mind like a drum. “...fighting it.”

That seemed to be all Solas needed him to say, going back to his task with a furrowed brow and a determined look in his sky-line eyes.

Slowly but surely, the Anchor began to die down as the more Solas guided his magic to make the more volatile counterpart heel. The tendrils of sickly, but sparkling green abated, the ever present glow dimmed, and best of all, the pain ebbed away like a lazy wave. Fane sucked in a deep, deep breath as that reprieved was granted to him. He still felt nauseous as all got out, but the worms were dying down, the knock upon a locked door floating away as chaotic magic slithered back down his arm. He could honestly sob from relief. Truly, he could. 

Solas let out a quiet sigh of his own, tired and relieved all in one, as his eyes met Fane’s own again and for good this time. They were speaking to him, asking a typical question and it filled Fane’s heart with tender affection.

Fane smiled tiredly. “Better. Thank you.”, he said. He was utterly exhausted, stomach tender and head aching duly, but the pain had stopped, the magic driven back to the hole it crawled out of.

Solas let out another relieved sigh at his words, a tired smile of his own appearing, cracking the mask of concentration, and giving his marked hand a gentle squeeze with the two still holding it.

“It’s nothing.”, the mage downplayed, shifting tender eyes down to gaze upon the Anchor forlornly. “I simply wish I could rid you of this burden, to wipe away this pain. If I had known it would be you who would somehow pick the orb up, I would have been--”

Fane sighed softly as he tapped the underneath of Solas’ chin with a few fingers of the hand he was holding. The elf blinked, steely orbs snapping up to him instantly and that only made Fane smirk more. How the sky heeded a dragon’s call. It should be the reverse, but this world continued to show how much it defied itself.

“Stop. Observe and accept. Observe what happened, and accept that it was beyond your control to predict. You will fix things, Solas. We will fix things.”, Fane assured as he leaned in to lay a light kiss against the mage’s lips. It was reciprocated with ease, a tiny hum escaping from his sky and it made him reluctant to pull back, but he did to murmur, “All of it will come in time, ma tarasyl. You know that. I know that. Be patient.”

Solas let out a chuckle. “Using my own words against me? Wisdom is a concept in you, I see.”, he teased.

Fane sneered a bit. “Cute.”, he replied dryly before shrugging. “I only used them because you used my own earlier, and I figured you’d be more amenable listening to yourself when in concern to what happened at the Conclave and whatnot. You do like to hear yourself talk, after all.”, he teased with a growing smirk. They were coming full circle now, and hopefully, his jokes would land more gently this time.

“Insufferable.”, Solas quipped with an exasperated sigh, but it was fond underneath, he knew. “Why do I--?”

Fane blinked as Solas suddenly froze up, face going blank and glittering eyes staring at him, but not registering. He furrowed his brow at that, pulling his head back a bit to get a better look at blue and grey. Now, that wasn’t normal. The hues were still bright, aware, blue with lavender branching from the middle, but Solas’ face and posture screamed, ‘disconnected’. Fane felt himself grow more worried at that. Had he fucked up again?

“Solas? Are you--?”

He went to ask after the man, thinking his joke had hit a nerve yet again, but a slender finger suddenly darted up to his lips, stilling them. It was telling him to wait, to be silent. Fane blinked. Well, at least the mage was responsive? Yes...a corner of a mouth was moving a bit, eyes were blinking slowly, and a…

...nose was twitching?

Before any more questions could be voiced or even thought up, Fane saw Solas’ face pinch a bit, nose screwing up before sucking in a slow, deep breath, and then…

“Achoo!”

We have it all in this story! Pain, sadness, Solas tears, Fane rage, fluff, cockblocking magic, and sniffles~ >:3 Watch this turn into a sick fic now. XD

Tagging forth (with love and potions to ward against sniffles!)

@oxygenforthewicked @noire-pandora @the-dreadful-canine @little-lightning-lavellan @aymayzing @dungeons-and-dragon-age @hoochieblues @whataboutbugs @1000generations @blueheaded @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold and anyone else who’d like to share! It’s Wednesday~! X3 (no pressure, of course! <3)

[vipclifford]

Red is the Warmest Colour

event masterlist

soulmate au where you can’t see colours until you kiss your soulmate

Luke coated his nails in a dark grey colour, though the label claimed it to be ‘candy apple red’. Whatever that meant. He knew that red was the colour of blood and anger and love, that red was fiery and intense. He knew that red was the colour of lipsticks that stained his cheeks after his aunts kissed them when he was younger. He knew that red was the colour that made his face warm when embarrassed. He just didn’t know what it looked like.

Colours only appeared after kissing your soulmate. Not after a first look, not after a first touch, but after a first kiss. Some people went on their entire lives without ever finding them, instead settling for a dull existence with a mediocre partner, and the idea terrified Luke. He wanted nothing more than to see the blue of the sky and the sea; the greens and yellows of the leaves; the oranges and reds of a sunset. He wanted nothing more than to love and be loved like he truly deserved, to have someone made for him by his side as they explored the colours of the world. Luke felt like he was running out of time.

“We’ve got to pick up Amber in twenty minutes, so we better get going,” urged Michael as he rushed into the living room. Luke nodded, blowing on his freshly painted hand as he grabbed his phone with his dry one.

Luke remembers the day Michael found out he had met his soulmate. He remembers the excitement in his eyes as he kept looking at everything and anything, occasionally yelling ‘this is green, Luke, this is really green!’ or ‘why does everyone hate the colour orange? It's so nice!’ Luke was so happy for his friend, but he couldn’t help but wallow in envy that night as he tried hard to envision Michael’s detailed description of the colour red.

But you can’t imagine a colour you’ve never seen.

The party’s atmosphere was chill and cozy, not rowdy like the ones Michael usually brought him to. Ashton, the host, greeted him with a hug as he stepped through the door, and Luke loved how amiable he seemed. The only faces he recognised were those of Michael and Amber, and yet he felt like he belonged amongst these strangers.

“Nice nails,” commented a dark haired stranger who leaned on the railing a couple metres beside him, cigarette between his fingers. “What colour are they?”

“Red,” he told him proudly, a small smile stretching his lips. “At least that’s what the label says,” he shrugged, turning his attention back to the city lights.

The stranger hummed in response, seemingly pensive as he blew a cloud of smoke.

“Fiery and bold. I like it.”

Luke nodded as he gave him a quick glance, noticing that his nails weren’t plain either. “What colour are yours?”

“Blue.”

“Calm and serene. I like it,” Luke echoed his previous words, smiling when he heard his quiet chuckle. “I’m Luke.”

“I’m Calum. You want?” Calum offered, holding out the cigarette towards him. Luke declined with a shake to the head. “You don’t smoke?”

“I’ve, uh, I never found the appeal,” he shrugged somewhat nervously, something deep within his mind telling him that he should’ve just complied, that he should’ve tried to fit in.

“Good. Smoking is shit. By the way,” he said in a low voice, taking a few steps closer to him. Close enough that Luke could smell his cologne masked by the smell of tobacco. “Don’t look now, but the girl in the stripy top has been eyeing you for the past five minutes. Might be worth seeing whether you can finally admire your red nails by the end of the night,” Calum told him with a soft smile, giving a supportive squeeze to his shoulder.

He still couldn’t see red by the end of the night.

Luke laid in his bed, phone in hand as he scrolled mindlessly through instagram. But then he found his fingers tapping on Michael’s account, found his eyes searching for Ashton amidst his followers, found himself looking through Ashton’s followers as well until he landed on the account he pursued.

Calum Hood.

He felt his lips tug upwards as he scrolled through his feed. There were pictures of coffee cups and what he presumed was his dog; blurry pictures from nights out and shirtless pictures at the beach. He couldn’t help zooming into those. Although Luke hadn’t ever found the appeal of tattoos either, too indecisive to commit to a design for the rest of his days, he was intrigued by the patterns covering the skin of his arms and chest. Something about the way the ink clung to Calum’s bicep made him open his eyes.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath after unconsciously double tapping the screen, accustomed to liking every picture when scrolling through his feed. Hasty fingers were quick to unlike it before throwing his phone across the bed.

Luke’s heart was racing in his chest and he could feel himself begin to sweat and his fingers were tingling and he knew that if he could see colours he would be seeing red. A panicked and anxious red. He hated himself for always getting like this over minuscule situations, though he hated himself for a lot of things. But then his phone buzzed, snapping Luke out of his thoughts. A smile returned to his face upon reading the notification and he felt the world go back to a tranquil blue.

‘@calumhood followed you’

The second time he saw Calum was at some other friend of Michael’s pool party, eyes gazing over the buffet of finger food. The place was once again packed with strange faces and Luke was glad to have found his new acquaintance amidst the crowd. He looked different in the daylight. Maybe it was the way the sunlight bounced off of his grey skin, or the way droplets of water trickled down his chest, but Calum looked as though he was glowing. Almost ethereal.

“Stick to pizza, it’s always the safest option,” Luke commented as he approached the man, Calum’s eyebrows briefly shooting up in surprise when he realised it was him.

“If it isn’t my instagram stalker,” Calum teased with a cheeky grin, nodding at his suggestion. Luke turned his head away as soon as he felt the red heat rise to his cheeks, beyond embarrassed by the fact Calum remembered. “Any luck with stripy top?”

“The fates didn’t seem to be on my side that night,” he replied with a shake to the head, reaching for a fresh can of beer. “Maybe I should go for a girl with a plain top next time.”

“Cheer up, mate,” Calum said with a soft chuckle, placing a comforting pat to his back. Luke chose to ignore the way it lingered for a few seconds. “Soulmates aren’t everything.”

But they were everything to Luke.

He had been dreaming about finding his soulmate since he was six. He was playing weddings with his friends during lunchtime and after the ‘groom’ kissed his ‘bride’, the pair yelled out in horror. They kept telling the group that everything around them had changed, that everything looked brighter and beautiful yet so strange, but none of the kids could understand what they meant. He remembers telling his mum about it on the walk home from school, who enlightened him about the concept of soulmates with a smile. Luke spent the rest of the day asking about the colour of the sky and the trees and his shirt, just to receive answers he couldn’t comprehend. He still couldn’t.

Luke simply hummed in response as he opened the can, trying his best to be nonchalant despite strongly disagreeing with his comment.

“Lots of people lead wonderful lives without ever finding their soulmates, you know? They just say ‘fuck you’ to the universe and live a happy life without depending on a soulmate, I think it’s amazing.”

“I guess,” Luke agreed with a shrug. “But don’t you ever picture yourself being truly happy, discovering the colours of the world with a girl that’s perfect for you in every way?”

“Sure I do,” Calum replied casually, taking a bite of his pizza slice. “Not necessarily with a girl, though.”

The speed at which Luke snapped his head to look at him in surprise was almost embarrassing. Calum’s eyebrows rose in a coquettish manner, a knowing smile on his lips as he watched Luke process his confession.

“Then, uh,” Luke muttered, returning his focus to the beer in his hand, “then you should at least try to find him. No need to rebel against the universe just yet.”

It was Calum’s turn to hum in response as he ran his fingers through his wet curls, watching his friends call for him from the pool. “Catch you later,” he said, giving his shoulder a quick squeeze before walking away.

The third time he saw Calum was in his own apartment

Michael just loved having the chance to get drunk and party with his friends, and what better place to do it than from the comfort of his own home. Soon enough, Michael’s friends began to fill the space between the walls, bringing their loud voices along with beer and vodka.

Luke tried to join in. Luke tried to let loose and have fun but all he could focus on was Calum. The way the strobe lighting made him move in slow motion; the way his biceps pressed tightly against the material of his shirt; the way his hand rested on some guy’s arm. Their eyes met for a brief second before the guy placed a hand on Calum’s cheek, returning his attention back to the stranger.

Luke didn’t know why but that simple action made his heart ache. It made his throat constrict and his hands shake and Luke had to get away, he just had to pull himself away from the scene he was stuck in. He couldn’t handle the loud music or the flashing grey lights or Calum. He pushed people out of his way until he finally reached the terrace, breathing out a relieved sigh when the warm breeze brushed past his face.

No guy had ever made Luke feel as jealous as he felt now. Especially not a guy he had only spoken to twice. He felt so irrational and silly and dumb for feeling the way he did and he had to force himself to look at his bold red nails to ground himself. To remind himself of the confident man he should be.

His mother always told him such amazing things about the colour red. She told Luke red was strong like him; that red was loving like him; that red was courageous like him. He could never agree with her words, always having been too shy and insecure for that, but incorporating the concept of red into his life never failed to empower him.

So maybe he was jealous, but he was okay with that. Maybe he liked Calum, and he was okay with that too.

“There you are,” spoke a deep voice he had been longing to hear for days. “I was looking for you,” Calum told him as he rested his arms beside his, elbows touching.

“Guess you found me,” he murmured, all newly acquired confidence replaced by his usual timidity the second Calum appeared by his side.

“Why are you out here on your own? Isn’t this your party?” Luke shook his head.

“It’s Michael’s,” he clarified, “I just happen to live here too. And I’m out here because I needed a breather.”

“Too crowded?”

“Something like that.”

The atmosphere between them was somewhat awkward and uncertain, as though neither of them wanted to say the wrong thing. Luke just didn’t want to make a fool of himself. Calum pulled out a cigarette from the pack, placing it between his lips as he lit it.

“I thought about what you said the other day, you know? About trying to find my soulmate,” Luke turned with curious eyes to face him, humming to urge him to continue. Calum thought about him. “And, you’re right, I guess. Deep down, soulmates are everything to me,” Calum confessed before taking his first drag. Luke placed a comforting hand on his toned arm, softly caressing his skin. “But I fucking hate that they could be anywhere. They could be right in front of me and I would never find out because I don’t go round kissing strangers. The chances of finding them are so fucking low, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Luke murmured as he turned back to look at the city lights, letting go of his arm. “Do you believe in fate?”

“To an extent,” Calum shrugged, “I think that there are certain things that are set in stone, but how you get there is completely up to you.”

“Okay, then I think that you finding your soulmate is set in stone. You’ve just got to take the leap,” he told him. “What colour do you want to see?”

“I want nothing more than to see the peaceful blue of the sky or the powerful navy of the ocean. I love the idea of blue so fucking much that I’ll paint my nails that colour like a fool even though it just looks grey,” Calum chuckled humourlously, holding his hand out to Luke to let him see. “I don’t want to die in a world that’s still black and white.”

“You’re like me but with red,” Luke chuckled slightly in disbelief just to wince at his lack of sensitivity regarding Calum’s last sentence. “Uh, why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “guess I’m just the right amount of drunk to ramble about my feelings. Don’t get used to it.”

Luke smiled softly at his words. Getting used to him, that sounded like a nice idea. “Well, drunk or not, I think that you will find your soulmate. In no time you’ll be looking up and seeing a blue sky, trust me.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

They were both silent as they looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds. All that could be heard were the cars driving past and the music blasting through the apartment. Luke noticed just how good he looked in the dark, and just how plump and appealing his lips were. He watched Calum lean in slowly, felt his body do the same, felt the tip of their noses brush against each other until–

“Luke!”

The pair are quick to pull away from each other upon hearing Michael’s voice, leaving a foot’s distance between their chests.

“What do you want?”

“Have you seen Amber?” Luke couldn’t help but frustratedly roll his eyes at his best friend who stumbled over towards him, annoyed that he had ruined the only highlight of his night.

“No. She’s probably with her friends or something, I don’t know.”

“Can you help me? I’ve been looking for her for ages and our apartment isn’t big enough for me to have taken this long. Please,” Michael begged, occasionally slurring his words.

Luke glanced over at Calum who gave him a nod, silently excusing himself from the scene. “Yeah, okay, whatever.”

Michael found her a few minutes later passed out in the bathroom. They really were soulmates.

Luke couldn’t stop thinking about their almost kiss. The way his dark eyes fluttered closed, the way his face emitted warmth, the way the soft skin of his nose brushed against his. The moment was so tender and vulnerable and perfect until his ill-timed friend decided to make a guest appearance. He should’ve expected that from Michael.

The sun shone brightly on the hot June’s day as Luke and Michael made their way into a pub, desperate for some refreshing beer. It wasn’t their usual bar, it was one in the city that Michael’s friends recommended and as usual Luke felt out of place. They sat down at a table of faces he somewhat recognised, filled himself a glass from the jug of beer and listened to their conversations, only joining in when his self esteem allowed him. He eventually got up to order the next pint, patiently waiting at the bar for the bartender to take his order.

“Fancy seeing you here,” grinned Calum as he pulled up beside him, Luke’s eyebrows lifting up in surprise when he saw him. “Come here often?”

“First time. Michael dragged me, as usual,” he replied with a soft smile.

Calum nodded, fingers rhythmically tapping on the counter. “Keep it that way, this place is shit. Wanna get out of here?”

“What?” Luke asked with a confused look in his eyes, anxiety bubbling in his chest at the spontaneity of his offer. He never just did things.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Calum enunciated louder, fingers running through his dark curls as he awaited a response from him.

“Okay,” he found himself saying and soon enough Luke was running down the streets with Calum, chest full of laughter. He didn’t know where he was and for once he didn’t even care, too engrossed in the conversation and fun he was having with his new friend.

They found a small patch of grass and Luke felt like laying in it, so that’s what he did. Calum didn’t join him, however, too busy studying whatever was behind that metal railing.

“There’s a pool there. I think it’s a primary school.”

“Okay?” Luke chuckled slightly, not knowing where Calum was going with this.

“Let’s jump in.”

“What?” he asked but was too late, for Calum was already climbing the fence. “Calum what the fuck.”

“Come on, live a little,” he grinned as he sat at the top, looking down at Luke. Luke stood up and slowly made his way over to the fence, thinking that at some point Calum would tell him that he was joking and come back down. But he didn’t. “Climb up, it’s easy.”

Luke placed his clammy hands onto the metal railing and strategically placed his foot somewhere where he could later hoist himself up. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I almost never do,” he murmured as he climbed the fence, meeting the man at the top.

“That’s what life’s all about,” Calum smiled before jumping off the other side, sprinting towards the pool.

Luke shook his head in disbelief as he watched him, a small smile on his lips, before slowly climbing down the fence. He ran behind him until he reached the swimming pool. The lights lining the edges of the pool made the water glow and seem that much more appealing. Much like Calum, who glowed with the light from the sunset as he took off his grey shirt.

“Are you gonna jump in like that?” Calum teased as he watched Luke make no move to remove his clothes. Luke rolled his eyes playfully as he kicked off his shoes, eventually stripping down to his underwear.

Calum pushed him into the water when Luke least expected it, too busy testing the temperature of the pool with his foot. He was splashed in the face as soon as he resurfaced by Calum jumping in too, emerging with a laugh.

“That wasn’t funny,” Luke complained in mock aggravation, splashing Calum with water. “I could’ve drowned.”

“Why, don’t know how to hold your breath underwater?” he taunted, mimicking his action.

“I’ll have you know I’m the best at holding my breath underwater.”

“Really?” Calum questioned with a raised brow, a look that Luke couldn’t quite decipher in his eyes. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“A challenge you won’t disprove,” Luke said somewhat boldly.

“Alright, on the count of three we go down,” Calum explained prior to counting down, the pair taking a deep breath just before submerging themselves underwater.

They watched each other as the water made their hair flail about, determination written on their faces. But then time seemed to stop as Calum pushed himself closer, his rough hand finding its place on Luke’s cheek. He instinctively closed his eyes and suddenly Calum’s lips were pressed against the corner of his mouth and Luke felt like a fool. He still felt like a fool as he pushed himself up to the surface, vexed as he watched Calum emerge a few seconds later.

“I won,” Calum grinned mischievously.

“You fucking cheated, I demand a rematch,” Luke insisted despite Calum denying his claim, so they counted back down from three and immersed themselves in the water.

Luke felt flustered under Calum’s gaze, which kept dropping down to his touch-starved lips. Anxiety bubbled in his chest as he kept watching Calum‘s eyes linger, too scared to mirror the action. His previous tactic had left Luke dumbfounded and confused. He thought that he was going to kiss him, that he wanted to kiss him. But now he didn’t know whether Calum craved his lips as much as Luke did or whether he was trying to distract him again. Luke didn’t want to look like a fool.

But then he looked down at his plump grey lips.

Luke felt his hands jitter as Calum’s demeanour became determined. Calum’s eyes never left his as he slowly inched closer, each second that passed making Luke’s heart beat faster and faster against his chest. He could feel his pulse in his ears as Calum’s nose softly grazed his own and Luke had finally had enough as he pressed his lips to Calum’s.

Luke didn’t know where this sudden surge of confidence had come from but he didn’t care as Calum kissed him eagerly, arms wrapping around Luke’s neck to pull him close. It felt as though he had been wanting this to happen for a long time. He placed his hands on Calum’s soft cheeks as they pushed themselves back up above the surface. They kissed and kissed and kissed until Luke felt his lips go numb, but he couldn’t bear to pull away from his intoxicating touch. Neither of them could. Neither of them wanted to.

“Don’t open your eyes yet,” Calum murmured against his lips once he reluctantly pulled away, smiling softly when Luke chased them to leave a quick kiss. “I’m not ready to be disappointed.”

Luke frowned at this, though he understood the meaning behind his words. “Okay,” he whispered, softly stroking his wet cheek. “How long have you wanted to do that?”

“Too long,” Calum chuckled quietly, leaning into his touch. “Probably since the first time I saw you.”

“That night at Ashton’s?”

“No, before that. I can’t remember whose party it was but you were there, happily dancing with Michael and Amber instead of looking awkward and gloomy in the corner like usual,” he teased, accepting the light slap to his shoulder. “You just looked so beautiful and carefree and I was like ‘fuck, he’s the one, I need to talk to him’. And then I didn’t,” Calum laughed.

“Shut up, that’s too cheesy to be true,” Luke complained although he couldn’t stop himself from pressing happy kisses to his lips.

“Believe what you want.”

“Do you want to look now?” Luke asked after a few seconds of silence. He could sense his reluctance, which was eventually overpowered by the acceptance of the fact that he had to open them eventually.

“Okay.”

Luke took a deep breath, anxiety bubbling in his chest in case the world was still grey. But that kiss felt right, his touch felt right, Calum felt too right for someone who wasn’t his soulmate. He had to be. He wanted him to be. He needed him to be.

His eyes opened to a bright sky filled with so many different colours he couldn’t even name. They were bright and warm and real and fuck, colours were beyond anything Luke had ever tried to imagine. His cheeks hurt from grinning as he kept looking around, looking at the green of the leaves and the blue of the pool. He looked down at his nails and he felt like crying. “That’s red,” he said excitedly, almost in disbelief. Red was so beautiful. Luke looked back at Calum just to find him already looking at him with a smile on his red lips.

“Your eyes are so blue,” Calum muttered in amazement as he pulled him in by the cheeks to kiss him tenderly. “I fucking love blue.”

“I fucking love red,” Luke chuckled with a shy smile, glancing up at the changing sky before joining their lips together again. He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him once more because although the colours were wonderful, Calum’s lips were more.

i’ve had so many technical issues but she’s finally posted! thank you @maluminspace and @h0tsos for doing this event, it was really fun and i enjoyed writing something that was somewhat out of my comfort zone because i’ve never written a slash fic. also a special thanks to @sexgodashton and @5-secondsofcolor for being the most helpful when i was stuck!!

taglist: @cashtonasfuck @maluminspace @castaway-cashton @loveroflrh @5sosnsfw @gigglyirwin @mysticalhood @punkrockpreferences @koalacal @calumsmermaid

message me or tap on the link in my masterlist to be added!!

[kopikokun]

Middle of The Night (Na Jaemin)

Request 11: Jaemin + “You’re cute when you’re angry.” (47) + “Are you flirting with me?” (56) + “What are you listening to?” (127) + Middle of The Night by Monsta X

Genre: Angst, Suggestive

Wordcount: 2k

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

Time and time again, Jaemin had repeated that single word in his mind like a mantra, hoping that it would somehow convince him to stop himself from succumbing; perhaps heighten his low self-restraint. Obviously, it had never worked. And it wasn’t going to any time soon, especially not now.

So, he picked up his phone.

And he immediately regretted it after hearing that voice. That melodious voice call out his name, like it had done on so many other occasions, and yet he still felt his stomach turn each and every time.

“Jaemin, can you pick me up at this party? I’ll send you the address.”

What had he been expecting? For you to greet him kindly? Tell him you were secretly in love with him? Tell him that you weren’t going to use him for just sex anymore? That wouldn’t happen even in his wildest fantasies, what more in this cold, brutal reality? You only called Jaemin when you needed something out of him. It was usually sex, but tonight it was a ride.

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

His brain persisted. Jaemin knew all-too-well that giving you a ride home would only hurt him again. He had to distance himself from you, create a boundary you could never cross for the sake of keeping the remaining shards of his fragile heart intact. Even hearing your voice made his throat constrict; how could he possibly look you in the eye and endure an entire car ride with you? He’d only be torturously teasing himself with the concept of dating you – something he could never possess – if he agreed to send you home.

“Don’t you have any friends who can drive you home? Or maybe you could hail a cab?” Jaemin tried his hardest to keep his voice calm, steady, as if his heart wasn’t beating out of his ribcage. Unfortunately, it shook slightly.

“I did hail a cab, but this guy keeps insisting on accompanying me back because he wants to get in my pants . . . so I kind of need you to swoop in and scare him off.”

Jaemin had no right to feel enraged – you were a pretty girl, obviously guys would be racing to fall into bed with you – but he did. Something despicable came to life in his gut, clawing, tearing down his already weak defences. He could do it. It was only a car ride. He could resist your tantalising charm for half-an-hour.

“Fine. I’m on my way.”

***

Fuck, why’d you always have to look so fucking irresistible?

Even with your hair haphazardly blowing in the breeze and your cheeks flushed, Jaemin just wanted to wrap his arms around you and keep you pressed against his chest forever.

He forced himself to shift his attention back to the dimly-lit road when you swung the car door open and effortlessly slipped inside.

“Hey Jaemin, thanks for picking me up. I owe you.”

Jaemin didn’t know what compelled him to look at you, he should’ve kept his eyes tacked to the road because what greeted his gaze was nothing short of ethereal.

It was your smile.

The corners of your eyes crinkled, your lips quirked and your face lit up with pure joy. Jaemin couldn’t even begin to articulate how your smile made him feel. It made his head spin, his eyes unconsciously crinkle, and soon enough, he mirrored your expression. All hopes of keeping his tough resolve was washed away by the tsunami that was you.

You exhaled, picking at your bottom lip. Jaemin knew you didn’t like silence, neither did he – that was partially why you two clicked so well. It was never silent when the two of you were together. One of you always had something to say. But this time, Jaemin kept his lips sewn shut.

“What are you listening to?” You gestured to Jaemin’s earphones in an attempt to liven up the atmosphere as his car cruised past streetlights and houses. “Can I listen?”

Before Jaemin could answer, you plucked one side out of his ear. Jaemin was helpless as he watched your grin grow and grow at his choice of song.

“Shut up,” he grumbled, a warm glow dusting his cheeks.

“What? I didn’t even say anything!”

“You’re going to make fun of me, I can tell.”

You laughed, your hand resting on his thigh. He knew you didn’t think much of it – if anything at all – but Jaemin’s heart rate was accelerating. “No, I’m not! It’s a good song! I just didn’t think you’d listen to songs like this. It’s super romantic.”

Jaemin’s face grew hot. “Whatever.”

“No, no! I like it. It’s really nice.” You took his earphones out, handing them back to him. Jaemin took the remaining side out as well. He couldn’t stop himself from yearning to hear your sweet voice, devoid of any distractions. “And has anyone told you that you’re cute when you’re angry?”

You always did this. Always said things to make him feel so giddy. You made him ditzy with joy after only calling him cute. He couldn’t contain himself around you. You brought down all those walls he struggled to keep standing with the smallest of gestures.

“Are you flirting with me?”

“Maybe . . .” you trailed off. The hand on his thigh kept creeping upwards. You were a tease. Always. Even that first night you stumbled into him in the hallways of that dingy motel, you had teased him. Even in bed you teased him. And now you were teasing him with the idea of you. Of being with you. Jaemin couldn’t help his mind wandering to thoughts of having dinner with you, having lame dates at home, laying on the couch and watching bad movies together; he wanted all those things. But he’d never have them. “Yes.”

Jaemin cleared his throat. Normally, a bold statement like that would solicit a flirtatious remark out of him. He had to bite back his words. He couldn’t have any banter with you. Not now. If he did, he’d fall so deep he’d never crawl out again. That had nearly happened last time he saw you.

You had dialled him at God knows what time and coaxed him to come over. Jaemin had gotten a taste of sharing a domestic life with you that day. Instead of being shoved out the door first thing in the morning like he usually was to avoid coming into contact with your roommates, he awoke to the smell of pancakes and the sight of you humming away at the stove. Your friends had left at the crack of dawn and Jaemin had found that he could barely suppress his glee. He had given you a back-hug as you cooked, burying his face in the crook of your neck to litter your shoulder with kisses. It had been one of the best days of his life, and simultaneously the worst. Going back home had been dreadful. His apartment was cold, grey – lonely.

You seemed to be expecting some sort of reply out of him, yet it never came. You sunk in your seat. The rest of the car ride was spent in tense quietude. For the first time since he had met you, you were as still as a statue. No bouncing your leg, twiddling your thumbs; Jaemin despised it, but he didn’t say a word.

As he neared your house, you finally broke the silence. “Wait, wait stop here.”

Jaemin’s car was a few houses down from yours, just below a streetlight. If casted a glow onto the hood of the car. He hesitantly peeked at you. “Why?”

“I can walk back from here.” You smiled sheepishly, shifting in your seat to unlock the passenger’s side. “Um, well thanks, Jaemin.”

If Jaemin had given it a second thought, he could’ve stopped himself. Too bad he was impulsive. His grip on your wrist was tight. “You can’t walk back alone. It’s dangerous. I’ll drive you there, it isn’t that far anyway.”

“No, no . . . it’s fine. I can walk back, Jaemin.”

“Why?” His hold of you loosened, but his gaze steeled.

“Huh?”

“Why do you insist on walking back alone? Why are you so scared your roommates might see me?”

“Jaemin—”

“Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Am I not good enough to be seen around you?”

“No, God no.” You caressed his cheek, and although Jaemin was telling himself that he was pissed at you, he leaned into your touch. “Of course, I’m not ashamed of you. You’re wonderful.”

There you went again. Saying things you didn’t really mean. He knew that you weren’t sincere, yet his heart still pounded in his ears. He knew that, yet he still leaned in to kiss you. He knew that, yet he still lowered his seat to allow you room to straddle his lap.

You tasted like the strawberry candies you had stashed in your bag. You smelled like the vanilla mist he saw on your dresser. You felt like silk beneath his touch. Jaemin was buzzing. He knew he should stop, but he didn’t. And perhaps that added to the thrill. His hands ran up and down your waist, his mouth hungrily latched onto yours. He couldn’t get enough of you. He groaned as you tugged at the hairs on the nape of his neck, pulling him away from you as your lips travelled down to his jaw, his neck, his shoulders, nipping and teasing. You were a tease. Always a tease.

Jaemin’s mind was clouded with you, you and only you.

“You’re amazing. I missed you so damn much. Everything about you. Fuck,” Jaemin sighed shakily, “fuck, I love you.”

Jaemin’s blood ran cold when you paused. He gulped as you stared at him, eyes wide.

“Jaemin, I—”

He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have just left it. But he didn’t. “I know this was supposed to be some friends with benefits kind of shit, but I can’t, fuck, I can’t go on like this. I can’t lie to you.” He doesn’t know what impels him to continue, but he does. “God, I love you. So much. I'm going out my mind for you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ll stay with you for the rest of my life if you want because I love you so fucking much it hurts.”

Jaemin wished he could read minds. Your gaze hazed with something indiscernible. “Jaemin.” The tone of your voice shattered him. “I – I can’t. I don’t like you like that, and I’m sorry. Fuck, you’re a great guy and I love being with you, but I don’t—”

“It’s fine.” Jaemin smiled softly. The situation is made worse with you still sat on his lap.

“Jaemin—”

“No, really it’s fine.” He willed himself to smile wider. “Just let me drive you home. Properly.”

You nodded, rigidly manoeuvring back to your seat.

As you stepped out of the car and shuffled to the front door, Jaemin watched you. Just as you were about to enter, you turned and waved, smiling softly. Jaemin wished you hadn’t. Because it only makes leaving so much harder.

Jaemin regrets telling you he loves you. If he hadn’t, then maybe at least he’d still get to see you laying fast asleep next to him at night, even if it meant nothing to you. But most of all, Jaemin regrets ever meeting you. He regrets tagging along on that stupid road trip with Jeno, Hyuck and Renjun. He regrets ever driving into Motel Six’s parking lot. He regrets ever colliding into you in the hallways. He regrets ever agreeing to spend that first night with you. Or the second. Or the third. Or the ones after. He regrets all the hours he spent loving you.

And when he comes home that night, the only thing that greets him is the cold, grey, lonesome walls of his apartment.

want to request? go here!

[girl4music]

Grasping on to ‘Who am I?’/Dissolving of self/Letting go

"Who am I?" is the one question all should be asking themself. Because in the all there is the 'I'. And therefore in the 'I', there must also be the all. "I am nothing" is one of the most powerful and motivational sentences I can ever say about myself. Because what I mean by it is not that I am meaningless. It's that I am above all prior meaning and that I create the meaning that I am. What is it to mean anything? In that, I am nothing. Dissolving of self cannot be done. If you are aware, you are self. You cannot be anything but self. The real point to this philosophy of dissolving the self is to realize that you are no specific thing. You are all things and all things are you. You don't become awareness because that is already what you are. This must be understood. The belief of “spirituality”, at least in common Western understanding, is that you "become" something. You don't. You realize it. It is a realization. An enlightenment. Not a transformation.  However, through this enlightenment, you can have many transformations. Only you now understand that they were, are and will be you. Always. So therefore dissolving the self is to take the "me" out of self. Or what it referred to as "ego". There is no "me" to which belongs to anything or has anything to belong to. Everyone is "I". No one is "me". That may seem like a contradiction but this is what this enlightenment brings to you when you have this realization. There is suddenly this overwhelming sense that “John from 64 Zoo Lane” does not exist.  And how you perceive that sensation or feeling depends to how solidly you are attached to this 'I' of which you believe has a specific identity. A “me-ness” to it.  It can drive you mad or it can liberate you. You'll eventually realize madness and liberation is one in the same. Just as everything is one in the same with many different expressions. You can be tied to the “ego”. Or you can be freed by it. It's you that makes the decision. If you've already had the revelation that you as you think you are does not exist, you've awakened. You can't go back into this state of sleepiness. You can feign it. You can pretend to be what you're not. But there is now this knowing in the back of your mind that you are God playing a role. But don’t get your head in the clouds with it. You can live what is considered a "normal" life while knowing this. Many ascended masters still buy and eat eggs. Nothing in reality changes other than the perspective of it. To you it will feel like everything has changed until you come to a second revelation that the first one doesn't matter. You come back down to Earth with a greater understanding that you are where you should and need to be right here and now. Don't get lost in the idealism of it all. Don't believe the hype. If you suddenly wake up with this overwhelming sense that you are God, forget about it and eat your eggs. Because the fact is... if you are God, so is everything else that lives and breathes and has an awareness. Even if it is not the same as yours. There are people that wake up and have this sudden sense that they are the almighty God and they can do their wonders and nobody else can. If that happens, you've missed the point to the lesson. Come back down to Earth because you can’t do anything while up in the ethers and with this belief that you are the creator of all.

Creativity only comes from me when called upon in the moment. It cannot be forced to happen at any specific time or place. Spontaneity is how this machine runs. Planning ahead is something I cannot do unless I feel it is necessary. I fall into the category of contradiction pretty much everywhere. I am a leader but can't plan. I am an analyzer but can't label. I am a talker but get tongue tied in my words. And probably the biggest contradiction of all. I am spiritual yet rely on logic and fact. Something is amiss in me and I feel it. I also feel observing and listening is the answer to finding this missing piece within me. I am someone who sits in the silence and yet cannot be still. My mind buzzes with thought and information a mile a minute. Every spark of intellect is like a lightning bolt to my body. I am constantly having epiphanies. Revelations beyond comprehension. Beyond my ability to grasp it. And it seems to be coming from absolutely nowhere. Not true of course. It comes from everywhere but it is in the space of everywhere. Of non-location. I have a brain but I never think it is the same as the mind. That all awareness and information comes from it and is within it. If we receive insight or enlightenment, it is not in the brain and it is not in the mind. It is everywhere where there is nothingness. In the empty space. In the void. And we think of this “empty space” as exactly that. Empty. But it is not empty at all. It is teeming with activity. And why we can't see it answers itself. It's too close to be noticed. It is us. Trying to notice it and grasp on to it would be like trying to bite your teeth. See your eyes. Hear your ears. Feel your sensations. Think your thoughts. It is too close. So instead of trying to hold on to it. Let go.

The energy of the body is the energy that seemingly projects outside of it, so the soul is said to reside in the body. But it's the other way around. So if the body is in the soul... then the brain is in the mind. Everything you cannot grasp on to is who you truly are. That's why the question "Who am I?" cannot be answered. The best you can do to try to answer it is "I am". There is a self that resides in the here. There is a self that resides in the now. Non-awareness is graspable. Awareness is not. Yet again, a contradiction given the way we are taught that it is the opposite. That everything we are aware of is comprehensible and what we are not aware of is not. Well... this is not logical when you really think it through. If you are not aware of something, of course is it comprehensible. That's how you become aware of it. Anything that you are aware of cannot be comprehensible. Why? Because it’s already comprehended. So who you are is awareness. This is why you are not comprehensible. This is why you cannot grasp on to yourself no matter how hard you try. You are already one with yourself. If you ask the question, you are immediately given the answer. But the reason why you do not notice it is because you think it needs to be answered. It does not. It is already answered by being non-answerable. If something does not have an answer to it, it does not need to be questioned. However, to know that it does not have an answer, you have to first ask the question. This is why when we pray to God we do not receive an audible answer. There is only silence. In that silence is the answer. Learn to listen to silence. In the silence is the answer to anything we ever truly need to know. And although it doesn't need to be questioned because there is no one specific answer, asking the questions are the only way you're going to know that. And "Who am I?" is the greatest question of all to ask for this reason. It does not have an answer because it does not need to be answered. It already is. 

Creativity and art is the best way of realizing this. Because it is in creating art that tells you that everything does not have a name or a definition or even a meaning to it. Until you give it one. In the manifestation of art lies the truth to creation. How anything ever happens or comes to be. It is created. However, we miss the point when it comes to God because God is never NOT creating. God creates. And yes, destruction is included as creation too. It’s just the other side of creation. A good metaphor I can give for this is when the force of a wave smashes into the shoreline and hits a rockface, the rock yields and gives way. That is creation manifesting itself through evolution. That is what God does. Silently and inconspicuously, unless an awareness pays attention to it. The conception and birth of a child is the creation of God. Not just the miracle but also the manifestation. Creation is everywhere. God is everywhere. We don’t notice this because we're constantly trying to see something our eyes observe naturally. Slow down. Listen to silence. Pay attention. I always liken life to a painting and we’re the artist of that painting while simultaneously being the painting. Instead of focusing on the centerpiece all the time, try focusing on the background. Then notice how the two play together to become of one entity. Or vice versa. Disconnect to become dual. You already know yourself to be a manifestation of God. The creation. The part of you that you don't know is the creator. God itself. And you don't know it because it is too close to be known. To be noticeable. To be comprehensible. To be graspable. To grasp on to anything that isn't graspable, you do the opposite. You let go. It will come to you. Why can a wave smash into a rockface? What's the force that allows that to happen? The rock gives way. It has to yield. The weak force is happening along with the strong force. So in the same way, when something is forcing you, some kind of energy. Let it. Give way. Yield. Let go. There's more power in doing that than forcing back. The game of tug of war is only won when one side lets go. 

When you know this. You know truth. You know creation. You know God. Just let go. That's my final sentiment to this piece of writing. Let go.

[artificialqueens]

If Samson and Delilah Lived Happily Ever After (Sashea) - Melon

A/N: The slam poets AU nobody ever asked for. Shea is an ethereal goddess and Sasha is unprepared. This is my first fic, so any and all criticism is welcomed. Don’t worry about seeming rude, I have a thick skin!

The bar is cold and filled with people, but the heat of their tiny bodies stood no chance of warming the large space. Chatter, fast and meaningless, drifts through Sasha’s body, leaving as quickly as it came.

She likes it.

Nobody attempts to speak to her, and she doesn’t mind. It isn’t the kind of bar a person goes to with intentions of making new friends. Perhaps next week Sasha would bring Peppermint, let her bright energy fill Sasha’s time and mind.

But for now, Sasha is content with sipping the surprisingly affordable drink she’d ordered, watching the people around her socialize.

The bartender, Aja, tops off Sasha’s drink with a smile and a promise of conversation once she’s dealt with her other customers.

Aja and Sasha knew each other through a series of bad decisions made on a drunken night with mutual friends. They shared a sacred bond. When Aja invited Sasha to a poetry night at the bar she worked at, Sasha knew she’d be attending; friendships built off body shots deserve at least a second outing.

Sasha lets her mind drift, lets her eyes dance between various strangers’ faces, before settling back on a now seated Aja.

“Any other night and I’d be out of here as soon as my shift ended, but sis, Shea’s performing tonight and I’m not about to go missing that. She doesn’t come around enough anymore,” Aja says, her excitement for the coming hour infecting Sasha. Aja has a particular way of doing things, that way being that she would show up for people she deems interesting, and drop off the face of the planet with anyone else. Sasha supposes she must be one of the former.

“Is she any good?” Sasha asks, still half in her own world, but enjoying the click of Aja’s long nails on the bar and the way she doesn’t seem to give a fuck. “I’ve never heard of her before.”

“Girl, she’s so good, you might fall in love with her before she leaves the stage. Gotta be careful with girls like Shea Couleé,” Aja throws back at Sasha, aware that most people fell for Shea Couleé. She’s just that kind of person. Despite Sasha’s grumble of doubt, Aja knows. Nobody sees Shea perform and leaves without at least a small crush on her.

This time, Aja hopes the feeling will be mutual.

The bar is still bitingly cold, but as the lights dim in preparation for the show, it thrums with impatience. The whole room is muted, waiting to be brought to life. Even Aja fades a little as the stage lights come on.

Sasha’s thoughts are interrupted by the unmistakeable sound of heels against hardwood and the shuffle of people backstage. Moments later, God arrives. Or, at the very least, a demigod among mortals.

Tall, toned, long hair and longer legs - in walks a woman who screams elegance, but whispers meet me out back if you’ve got a problem with it. Sasha’s a goner at her first word.

“To everyone who hasn’t been here before, I am Shea Couleé, and I’m here to talk about everything your mama warned you not to mention at thanksgiving dinner,” the woman, Shea, says with a wink and a devilish grin.

Sasha watches intently as Shea goes through her introduction, enthralled by the way she takes a concept and turns it into a symphony. She isn’t concise; she doesn’t need to be. Shea uses too many words to describe simple things, ambles through her speech without much regard to brevity. To capture Sasha’s attention is easy, but to hold it proven near impossible, and Shea held her attention far longer than acceptable. Sasha wants to understand the way her brain works, with her too-many words and too-few things to say.

Sasha is acutely aware that she is staring. Intently. She is also suddenly aware that Shea is staring back. Fuck.

———-

Shea isn’t planning on performing any of her better pieces tonight, not particularly proud of anything on her docket, but they were all presentable. Tonight, hosting and performing, she doesn’t feel the need to waste one of her newer perfections. One of her older pieces will do.

She opens the show with one of their regulars, Farrah, who has potential but a lot of improving to do. Farrah’s barely old enough to get into the bar, never mind drink. However, her bubblegum pink feminism appeals to the disenfranchised youth of the room, making her a favorite.

Shea scans the audience, searching for familiar faces before spotting Aja. Before spotting the woman next to Aja.

Shea sees her, and it’s like looking through a fish-eye lens. The room - no, the whole world curves around her, making a halo of frizzy hair and glittering lips the center of Shea’s attention. Her aesthetic says revolution, but her expression says I never stop thinking. It’s utterly intoxicating. Shea wants her.

She’s looking right at Shea, like maybe she wants Shea right back.

Shea isn’t even on stage any more, she’s off to the side, watching the crowd react to Farrah’s prose. She isn’t supposed to be the focal point, but this woman doesn’t seem to realize, nor care. She wouldn’t look away. Neither could Shea.

People had looked at Shea like she was the only person on Earth before. People had looked at Shea like she held the world under her tongue before. Hell, people had even made Shea feel both of those were undeniable truths of the universe before.

Not like this woman, though. Never so without inhibition, such totality, before they’d so much as shared words.

Shea doesn’t even know her name. Shea needs to know her name.

Pulling out her phone, Shea quickly begins typing up a messy, practically incoherent mush of words and stanzas. She motions to a member of the staff, whispering she needs to be moved to the closing spot. She doesn’t even look up as he nods, doesn’t watch as he rearranges the schedule. The entire time, Shea feels the woman’s eyes on her.

When Shea finally looks up, finding the woman watching the stage intently, her stomach twists with jealousy. She knows it’s ridiculous to expect a woman at a poetry night to not watch the performers, but she misses the rush of feeling like the only important person in the room.

Shea Couleé does not believe in love at first sight, but goddamn if this woman doesn’t make her want to.

Shea wants to know her; wants to know how she likes her coffee, if she gets cold easily, or has a bad immune system, or if she looks at everyone with the same electricity in her eyes.

It’s annoying as fuck.

In between introducing acts, Shea types. She can’t let this woman leave without making an impression. When it’s her turn at the mic, Shea takes a deep breath, reviewing her work one last time before stepping into her usual strut.

She doesn’t bother introducing herself, just turns to the mic and began speaking, letting the words wash over the crowd like rain on their childhood bedroom’s roof.

“Electric. You Are Electric.

Who gave you the right To look at me like I’m everything, When I don’t even know your name?

Let me feel your skin under my fingertips. Baby, Let me feel the buzzing of your veins under my tongue.

Show me who you are. Electricity - Tell me your name,”

Shea doesn’t look away from the woman’s face. She keeps her eyes trained on her, spoke as though she’s whispering into the woman’s neck instead of performing for an entire room of faceless people. Shea makes what she wants clear in 53 words, 14 lines, four stanzas, and prolonged eye contact. Now, all that remains undecided is whether or not the stranger would reciprocate.

She knows all of this could go drastically wrong; the woman could turn her down, run from the weight of Shea’s attention as quickly as anyone else had, but she hasn’t broken their gaze yet. Shea takes that as a good sign.

———–

Sasha isn’t breathing. How could she, with Shea staring her down like that, like she’s real, and not just a consciousness tethered to physical form. Shea makes her real. Too many people surround them, suffocating her. All those eyes on Shea, none of them important. Shea’s eyes on her, all important.

So Sasha does what Sasha does best - she takes a step back. And then about ten more. Before she knows it, she’s on the street outside the club, breathing in the autumn air like she’s never tasted anything as sweet, and never would. She leaves with the knowledge that, hopefully, Shea will understand.

———–

After the night officially ends, Shea finds herself searching for the woman. Her heart feels heavier with each passing person, each exclamation of joy at seeing her performing again, after all this time. She begins to lose hope, starts to believe, maybe, it’s all in her head. It wouldn’t be the first time Shea’d convinced herself she meant more than she does.

Aja abruptly, as the woman tends to do, enters Shea’s space, pulling her aside in a whirlwind of neon.

“What does you think of my friend?” She asks, wondering how she ended up back in 4th grade, passing along messages between blushing children. She must’ve done something truly terrible in a past life to deserve this.

Shea is stunned silent for a moment, recovering almost immediately. “The blonde? I mean, yeah, I noticed her. Who wouldn’t notice her, I mean she’s…beautiful,” she says.

To an outsider, Shea would seem casually interested. Her tone is carefully regulated, voice barely wavering. She doesn’t stumble over a single syllable. Aja, unfortunately for Shea, knows better.

“Shea Couleé, there were fifty people in this building,” Shea winces, “and you remembered her well enough to react like that?” Aja finishes, hand on her hip, her mouth pulled into a smile.

“Shut up, bitch,” Shea responds, only fueling Aja’s twisted delight further.

“Here, she wants me to tell you that her name is Sasha, and she’ll be back next week,” Aja hands Shea a piece of paper, leaving almost immediately after in the same whirl of color she came.

Shea looks down at the paper, finding a rushed message, untidy but legible:

Sorry for running out on you, got a bit too loud for me in there. Hope you can forgive me ;)

-Sasha

Okay, then. Shea thinks.

Okay, Sasha.

[robertbassweb]

How to Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy

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Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy

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Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy

Did you know you can manifest money fast with the abundance alchemy?  What is that?  Let me show you.

Manifesting Money

Manifesting money is all regarding the energy that you give the experience.

I’ve Seen that Movie Too …

Yes, I’ve been damaged before. As well as I’m not talking about the “can’t manage to get a film ticket” or “purchase a Xmas present” kind of damaged..

Step 1: Set Your Intention

Require time to get really clear on the amount you are asking for deep space as well as likewise the time it will consider you to receive it..

Step 2: Imprint Your Subconscious Mind + Imprint “the Field” Of Power

This powerful practice will aid obtain you into the sensation room to welcome in prosperity, border on your own in the power of wealth and eventually– feel worthy of it..

Step 3: Feel As If Your Money Has Already Manifested

You need to see yourself as if the abundance has already been manifested. You must give thanks for your prosperity despite the physical truth of what you are being presented with. This is the ultimate key to opening your needs from the etheric realm..

Step 4:  Send Out Loving Power To The Flow Of Cash In And Out

Paychecks make you pleased, while costs make you put on your irritable trousers with nuisance and anxiousness..

Step 5: Show Reverence + Respect For The Money You Have Currently

Make certain you show your money how much you enjoy it by caring for it..

Step 6: Take One Day Each Time

This was one of the most powerful as well as caring piece of recommendations that my mother provided me when I was on the edge of going bankrupt in 2009..

The Abundance Alchemy

All of us desire a wonderful procedure to make our lives better. The only factor people normally prefer to show up success is due to the fact that it will certainly provide a something somethin’ called LIBERTY.

Learn more here

How do I ask the universe for money?

Here are the steps on how to ask the universe for money: Be crystal clear and specific on what you want. The exact amount. ... Visualize and feel how you feel when having your desire already, beforehand. ... Let go of how and when your desire will manifest. ... Take inspired action towards your desire!

Did you know you can manifest money fast with the abundance alchemy?  What is that?  Let me show you.

I was reading an interesting Sarah Prout post and suddenly I recalled a Paulo Coelho book, The Alchemist,  that had a great impact in me years ago.

Hundreds of ideas came to my mind as if a river of turbulent water was breaking through my head.

But at the end silence and stillness took place and ideas were arranged forming clear concepts.  Alchemy is the art of transforming and the power to manifest anything is ours.

So we can turn our desires into reality applying the Law of Attraction.  Piece of cake …

  Manifesting Money

Manifesting money is all regarding the energy that you give the experience.

The even more playful and open you can be with deep space, the more likely it is that your vibration is buzzing at an exceptional regularity to welcome in the cash.

Nevertheless, when you manifest cash from a frequency of lack or desperation, it can backfire and also block the flow of abundance faster than purging a block down the toilet.

However what happens if you want to show up money promptly?.

Just how do you choose to feel passionate over sensation afraid?.

Just how do you rise above desperation when you’re lacking moolah?

The energy we bring to cash can be a sore spot for lots of people, which is why it’s so crucial to be SPIRITED with the process.

  I’ve Seen that Movie Too …

Yes, I’ve been damaged before. As well as I’m not talking about the “can’t manage to get a film ticket” or “purchase a Xmas present” kind of damaged..

I’m talking about having just 70 cents (yes, cents) in my bag to feed my kids for a couple of days..

It was my lowest point. I bear in mind walking the supermarket asking yourself how the hell I would certainly make it to the next well-being payday. I bought a no-name bag of plain pasta and also the youngsters might eat it for supper and lunch with some remaining tomato sauce I had in the cupboard..

The pain of being broke was so awkward that I struck a handle deep space that I would never allow myself to go back there once more … However I did go there again. Several times in truth..

Nevertheless, with each time it ended up being much less difficult and also extra manageable, since the experience aided me construct my toughness, my durability, and also my capability to deal with uncertainty..

I now reflect on these times because of this a stunning blessing since I am fully aware of where I grew from– that location of being desperately damaged and terrified of the future– to being monetarily totally free and also trusting of the process..

It has assisted me to fully appreciate value the abundance– in all forms– that I have created in my very own life today.

So keeping that in mind, I would certainly love to share this steps to Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy.

  6 Steps to Manifest Money… Fast.

Step 1: Set Your Intention

Require time to get really clear on the amount you are asking for deep space as well as likewise the time it will consider you to receive it..

Deep Space LOVES specificity. If you’re not clear on what you intend to attract then you will certainly appear by default and all type of unpleasant surprises can show up when you do not take notice of conscious recognition..

This boils down to the power of intent. When you put your energy behind having a clear vision of what you desire in your life, you purposefully develop a flow of abundance.

Step 2: Imprint Your Subconscious Mind + Imprint “the Field” Of Power

This powerful practice will aid obtain you into the sensation room to welcome in prosperity, border on your own in the power of wealth and eventually– feel worthy of it..

There are several manner ins which you can do this. Below are a couple of ideas that have personally helped me:.

Sprucing up in your best clothes.

Having a day-to-day gratitude technique to be glad for what you do have now.

Duplicating concepts and also affirmations that aid to re-wire your feelings about money.

Step 3: Feel As If Your Money Has Already Manifested

You need to see yourself as if the abundance has already been manifested. You must give thanks for your prosperity despite the physical truth of what you are being presented with. This is the ultimate key to opening your needs from the etheric realm..

A fantastic means to do this is to practice imaginative visualization or a manifesting reflection that can assist you stimulate the sensation of having — not craving– wide range..

Click here for a FREE manifestation video that can aid you launch any blocks holding you back from manifesting your wishes.

Step 4:  Send Out Loving Power To The Flow Of Cash In And Out

Paychecks make you pleased, while costs make you put on your irritable trousers with nuisance and anxiousness..

You require to re-shape this mindset to get out of your own method..

Each time you feel pissed off when a bill obtains sent to you then you proactively pick to obstruct the flow of abundance and you’re welcoming MORE EXPENSES and also even more expenditures.

Absolutely nothing is as expensive as a mindset that obstructs the flow of prosperity. Discover to LOVE your money. Besides, it’s just energy..

Step 5: Show Reverence + Respect For The Money You Have Currently

Make certain you show your money how much you enjoy it by caring for it..

What does your purse or handbag presently look like? Exist invoices stuffed in there? What do you assume your purse/wallet states concerning your wealth mindset?

The best method to reveal extensive gratefulness and respect for the energy of your present wealth is to make certain that it’s resting all nicely in your bag or budget. Create a shelter for it to feel risk-free as well as liked.

Step 6: Take One Day Each Time

This was one of the most powerful as well as caring piece of recommendations that my mother provided me when I was on the edge of going bankrupt in 2009..

She told me to simply be gentle on myself and also take eventually at once..

This aided greatly to maintain me concentrated on my power in the present minute and not sabotage my resonance with overwhelm by considering the unpredictability of my financial future.

This is a necessary factor to power administration throughout the materializing process.

This steps actually work and will make a big change in your life.  But you want to turn the stone into gold and live a life of plenty from now on.  Keep on reading.

So lets go deep into Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy

  The Abundance Alchemy

All of us desire a wonderful procedure to make our lives better. The only factor people normally prefer to show up success is due to the fact that it will certainly provide a something somethin’ called LIBERTY.

The method though is so super basic and closes the void of separatism that always keeps you in a state comparable to the donkey chasing after the carrot. What you need to do is FEELING GOOD NOW– now– where you’re currently at in your life.

No matter how unpleasant and also gloriously complicated it might appear– you have the power to grab the moment as well as manifest success currently. It isn’t brain surgery, or head-based “gibberish” it’s an easy choice. And that choice is this …

Choose the vibration you are offering the Universe in every single present moment. And also if you can not pick then count on as well as give up to the power of deep space that constantly has your back.

Right here is the way to manifest money using the abundance alchemy.

  Abundance Alcheny Receipt

1. Think past what you can see

Just because you can’t see what you want showing up prior to your very eyes in this minute, does not mean that it’s not percolating in the ether and conspiring with the Universe to land into your truth soon.

2. Failure usually comes prior to success

Constantly remember this really effective quote from Florence Scovel Shinn which is …

” Every magnum opus, every big accomplishment, has actually been brought into symptom through holding to the vision, as well as usually right before the big achievement, comes apparent failing as well as frustration.”

3. Declutter your environment

One of the fastest means to start showing up abundance into your life is to attempt a procedure called “decluttering”.

This implies doing away with every little thing in your life that no longer serves you. Contribute old clothing to charity, iron out your closest, cabinets and also cabinets. This will clear the old as well as develop space for the brand-new to materialize into your life.

4. Get certain on your desired quantity and also just how it will show up

When you write down your intentions, try and also be as particular as feasible. Deep space enjoys and prospers on specific requests. Study the information of the important things, people, areas as well as experiences you are wanting to manifest.

NOTE: If you love the concept of creating a routine for your purpose setting procedure after that you will certainly ADORE this FREE downloadable worksheet I have lovingly put together for you.

5. Give thanks to deep space as if it has currently manifested

Here’s the actual “secret” …

Everything happens in the non-physical or etheric world first before it filters through the physical world. Whatever we are and everything we experience is a plain echo of the vibrational essence that has actually been supplied before this present moment.

The trick is to say thanks to the Universe for the things you want prior to they actually show up. This not only gets rid of any type of resistance, but it makes it simpler for your things of wish to move right into your current truth with ease and elegance.

This is one of the most important secrets to Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy

6. Rise above limiting beliefs

Take some time to focus on healing the things in your life that you can determine as “blocks” in your flow of abundance. These are normally impeding your progress in the form of beliefs that you’ve probably kept in your heart because childhood years.

Check out my program called MANIFEST if you actually wish to study some deep healing that will assist take your life to the following level.

7. Find out to like your money and commemorate prosperity

If you see a small coin on the ground in the parking area I desire you to pick it up as well as light beam with appreciation. You require to say thanks to the Universe for the prosperity. Following time you obtain a paycheck I want you to do a little dance of joy.

Just bear in mind: When you commemorate prosperity it multiplies. Deep space adores it when individuals celebration up a tornado when money rolls in. It suggests visibility, willingness, and of being an energetic participant in the development of your consciousness.

8. Determine and also obtain imaginative with the way you want to draw in wealth

You can’t sit on top of a hill practicing meditation and also anticipate a billions bucks to come under your lap. You should take inspired action. What are manner ins which you could joyously create extra income? Could you make art and also offer it on Etsy? Could you do some babysitting job? Could you make as well as sell jam at a regional market?

Simply remember: You need to provide on your own approval to open the area in your life to receive the energetic exchange of wealth.

9. Fake it until you make it

One of the most entertaining ways to immerse yourself in the energy of wealth is by “pretending” that you’re living life the method you would certainly wish to be living. My hubby and I like to go as well as see multi-million buck homes or go as well as have a look at the specs on luxury automobiles. The whole idea is to immerse yourself in the power of success, since it sticks to your aura and magnifies the more you play the game.

10. Surround on your own with motivation

When you produce room and time in your life to border yourself with ideas then you actively start to take part in the vibration of that point. If you read books on success, you begin to use a different regularity out to the Universe that will certainly recover to you.

Ideas can come in several forms. There are numerous quantities of books in the collection and also numerous uplifting videos of YouTube. And the best component is that inspiration is quite often TOTALLY FREE and bordering you almost everywhere you look.

11. Develop a vision board

Vision boards obtained substantial popularity after being mentioned in the hit film ‘The Secret’ back in 2006. Throughout the years I have actually had incredible success utilizing this very powerful strategy to bring my needs to life. It’s really fun as well as can be really reliable.

Once in awhile I like to establish new intents by making a brand-new vision board. I recommend you do this at the very least two times per year.

I enter into the imaginative process of manifesting by scanning publications and also removing images that trigger motivation in my heart. I activate some delighted songs, put myself a glass of a glass of wine and also truly allow myself innovative space to fantasize big.

12. Keep track of what you spend and also what you ‘d like to invest

Try this enjoyable exercise of maintaining 2 listings. One is for points that you need to invest cash on each day and the various other listing is your “wealth checklist”. This is the things that you’re mosting likely to “mentally” acquisition daily with consciousness as your cash money. As you do this, your success state of mind will increase.

13. Cultivate deep appreciation for whatever

Appreciation is a transformative power. When you seek points to appreciate (such as what you already have) after that deep space will certainly award you by offering you a lot more points to be thankful for. Make it your daily technique, it will actually transform whatever.

14. Utilize the power of affirmations to imprint your subconscious mind

The human mind is a wonderful and elaborate computer. It can be programed with anything you desire.

When you proactively and also awareness pick to attest certain expressions and beliefs after that you start to rewire your thinking as well as produce a far better life for yourself. Check out my affirmations web page for more inspiration to release those pesky wealth blocks.

Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy using the power of affirmations.

15. Feel deserving

The underlying source of self-sabotage in a person’s life is unquestionably not feeling worthwhile sufficient. We often tend to develop unnecessary drama or obstacles that avoid us from developing right into our full capacity.

We may establish New Year’s resolutions that die soon after they have actually been established and afterwards want to start the diet once more on Monday or save money starting next month etc.

All it requires to rise above this epidemic of absence of merit is to pick a far better path in each momment we exist with. Pick to love yourself a little much deeper, select to support you heart and a little more difficult and watch the magic occur and unfold.

  If you enjoy the concept of playing an enjoyable game with deep space and you’re ready to invite more success and wealth into your life then I would certainly like for you to try my Old Materializing Routine that has been used by over 5,000 of my showing up trainees.

Have a look at a few of the success tales here. They will offer you the exhilaration you need to open the circulation of prosperity.  So Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy.

  Money Manifestation FAQ

How can I instantly manifest money?

Before you break the bank, try these ways to manifest emergency money. Count Money. Imagine you hold in your hands all the money you need. ... Believe you can manifest money quickly. Like all things with the Law of Attraction, it begins with your thoughts. ... It's raining money. ... Be childlike. ... Be positive.

How do I ask the universe for money?

Here are the steps on how to ask the universe for money: Be crystal clear and specific on what you want. The exact amount. ... Visualize and feel how you feel when having your desire already, beforehand. ... Let go of how and when your desire will manifest. ... Take inspired action towards your desire!

Can you really manifest money?

So, in sum: for most people who want to manifest money, the reason why success doesn't immediately arrive is simple. The concept of money comes with a lot of baggage, and that baggage can block your positive intentions! In contrast, people who believe they can attract money will do so.

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The post How to Manifest Money Fast with the Abundance Alchemy appeared first on Manifestation Matters.

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[chainzwebcomic]

Descent

PREVIOUS UPDATES: PROLOGUE 

“ORDER, ORDER IN THE COUNCIL! I hereby declare this meeting in session!” The droves of supernatural beings in the room began to settle down and look at their esteemed commander. Today’s meeting is on a particularly unique case.An event that hadn't transpired for 3,000 years This was the legendary Council of Ven. Here they discussed what was allowed and how they should handle unique situations. What was ethical and what was immoral and what they as a society deem crossing the line.

“Today, a human known as Winona Howle has done something the current council has yet to see, this woman has ‘fallen in love’ with her Spectre and in an inconceivable turn of events, is now carrying his child.”

The room awed collectively and hushed whispers echoed throughout the chamber until their commander demanded their silence once again. Then the room finally settled down.

“I know among many of you this is untreaded territory-”

“This is blasphemous! How long has this woman interacted with the Spectre issued to her for so long without our knowledge!” A long slender being bursted, many voices speaking in unison in the hivemind.

“How could that Spectre break our most important law and interfere with human affairs - to go impregnate some mortal scum? This is completely atrocious!” Another being interjected, A harpy-like creature multiple sets of wings and 2 sets of arms, impossibly large teeth with immense ivory canines protruding outwards like the tusks of a walrus.

“SILENCE!” Their commander bellowed with awe-striking power. Everyone remained silent. “Many of you have not seen the completely outlandish events I have lived through, many of you arrogant and young -and have never seen an event of this scope, but believe me when I say I have seen the world come to the brink of destruction and break all laws of nature time and time again; and none of you here can even imagine what those of my prestige have seen! So I encourage you to remain a silent and obedient council or I will find those who will!”

As the commander’s booming voice halted, baring an echo which reverbed throughout the ancient building, not a soul could be heard - not even the sound of breathing; some looking down in shame, others turning away in spite.

“I brought you all here to discuss what should be done about the matter, not to revel in how bewildering or vile it may be. The first point to discuss: what should be done to the Spectre. He has broken our most sacred bond and the punishment is non-negotiable.” “If I may interject, sir!” A young Spectre among them said meekly. He had a long slim torso, stretching an abnormally large length, with think branch-like pale blue arms to match. The upper half of his face masked with dark water swirling and concealing his face.

“Feel free to speak Filvéz” He pursed his lips hesitantly and then stated boldly, “The Spectre broke a doctrine that has been fed to us since primordial times, he knew the value this held in our society and broke it all despite that sake. What he has done is unforgivable, death should be non negotiable. We must make an example of him! He should be executed in the center spire for all to see.”

The room absorbed all of what was said, many hushed whispers rose again as the shocking statement was being absorbed. The commander himself was caught in a contemplative state as the others buzzed with thought and the rooms atmosphere grew tense. The commander raised his powerful arm and the room grew silent once again.

“I want to hear if the council has any objections to Filvéz’s idea.” The room grew deafeningly silent, all members glanced at each other and the captain bowed his head in agreement, “Then it’s settled Filvéz thank you for the marvelous suggestion it’s quite the concept, it's time all Spectre’s received a reminder of what will befall those who disturb the natural order. Our rules are not just for show!”

One being among the council looked clearly uneasy with the decision that was made - a fantastic creature with the torso of a man, with a hollowed out back. The magical being had it’s back filled with an ever changing ecosystem, representing the variety of life. A speck of snow began to fall all over the tiny biome and things grew cold with his uneasy demeanor. Where his head should be there was only smoke carrying all the colors of the sky. On his shoulder blades rested large magnificent wings, which carried shimmered with every color known to man, but carried a distinct green tone. Veins of life coursing through his wings as if electricity surged through them, carrying the vitality of the animals in the wild. In the dim light of the room they glowed a vibrant green. The lower half of his body was separated from his upper half, an eternal downpour of rain coming down. Four spectral legs hung below his torso, legs of a being not known to man. These legs never touched the floor and hovered above, gliding along the air. His bare chest adorned with a long wooden necklace, each round bit carved with incantations and contained a faint ethereal glow. Each large bead was said to contain the energy of life itself. This being was known as the patron of life in the council, also known as Uriah.

Uriah Setoah

Uriah stood up and slammed his arms against the table, “Commander with all due respect a punishment this harsh goes against everything we as a society stand for. The whole reason the Spectre initiative was founded was so every human gets their fair shot at eternity, and are we going to punish this lone Spectre without a trial by his peers without a Jury? Are we going as far is to kill him for the sake of a mere spectacle? What he did may have been the least moral thing I have seen in my time in this council but that doesn’t change the fact he’s just as much a member of this society we have built up for eons as me, as you, as everyone else standing in this room!”

The room sat back is awe, one dared to move in this high tension. The commander’s face twisted and gnarled with disdain. “You dare claim a higher moral ground than me, patron? Uriah, you have been a noble example member of this council for centuries - but how do you have the audacity to disgrace this committee like this? We are his trail of peers, we are the judge, we are the jury - and very soon we will have his lowly head posted on a stake for all to see and be the executioner.”

“But-”

“No more disrespect will crawl out of you or you will face severe punishment, do you understand Uriah Setoah!”

Uriah sat back down clenching his fist, defeated. There was nothing he could do if no one was willing to stand up with him. The rest of the council turned back to the commander while Uriah sank down with shame.

“Now I understand this is an extremely important issue which is why I will not hold it against our Patron for acting so rashly,” Uriah Looked away with nonchalant distaste. “However, we have only addressed half of the issue at hand. There is still a child who will be born who is half Spectre, and I’m sure you all know the gravity of this situation as last time this happened mankind made an entire religion based upon it. Now I ask all of you, what should we do with this unborn creature.”

The large toothed harpy spoke up once again, “Isn’t that obvious? We eliminate it. As you said last time, this was documented by humanity the consequences were practically catastrophic :-) wars were fought and entire empires rose and fell over their new found religion merely for the sake of us interfering briefly with the life of humans.” Uriah once again spoke up, “But we can not fault a creature for something it can not help! This unborn child did not chose to be half spectre and to punish somebody for something they had absolutely no fault in goes against everything we stand for. If we agree to eliminate this child too then we- Then we’re are no better than the monsters in the abyss!”

The council stirred with Uriah’s valid point. The Large Harpy and the commander exchanged a quick glance. A vapid sense of annoyance was spread upon their countenances. The council soon rose to an uproar of different opinions and they decided what to do. The commander now scared of the morale Uriah has inspired and his previous outburst of rage at his peer chose the kinder option against his will.

“Our Patron of Life raises a valid point, we can not punish this child for something it can not help, it would not be right to eliminate it. However, we cannot allow this child to have the same impact as it’s predecessor, we must keep a strict eye on it - and if it shows the same potential it must be eliminated.”

The Council all agreed on that outcome, while Uriah remained sulking in his seat.

“Alright everyone, thank you tremendously for your input. The After Lands wouldn’t be the same without you. The council members all bowed humbly and exited. The commander caught Uriah’s shoulder as he headed out. “And I want to give a special thank you to you as well Uriah,” The grip on his shoulder became bone breakingly tight. “Thank you truly for your input.” Uriah shook him off and bowed quickly before rushing out of the building.

[tinymixtapes]

Interview: Wave Temples

The current crop of New Age and ambient projects emerging from the Bandcamp ether are mostly background noise, filler music for empty workdays or zone-out sessions at home. Tripp, ephemeral, forgettable… One project I initially lumped into that category, but quickly found much more beneath the surface, is Wave Temples. This anonymous Floridian journeyman takes the tired trope of field recordings littered over hazy keyboard riffs and turns it on its head, offering a loaded back catalogue that’s immersive, compelling, and puzzling. His most recent voyage, Isle Enchanted, was released via Not Not Fun at the close of 2016 (and now available in a limited second edition), and it’s as good a starting point as any for those ready to dive deep into the Wave Temples vibe (see also the vast and varied releases on his Rainbow Pyramid imprint). Tiny Mix Tapes caught up with WT over email, and, in keeping with the mysterious and anonymous nature of the project, I didn’t know what to expect until my inbox buzzed with responses touching on everything from a breakdown of his discography, swimming with sharks, and the influence of dreams on his work. --- Can you tell me about the formation of Wave Temples? How long have you been playing music, and what led to you start this project? Well, it’s complicated. This project has been growing from seed for almost 10 years now and the longer it’s gone on, the harder it is to tell where one things ends and another begins. I’d like to say it all comes from drugs, like maybe just some kind of old lazy new age indica, or a post-nostalgic opioid bliss floating up from some insta-vapor cloud in this seemingly never-ending digital culture loop, but that wouldn’t be totally accurate. I wish I could say more exotic, maybe a dark rich jungle sativa, mystic in epiphyte blooming succulent heart, feeding a dense foggy soul tattooed with shimmering crystalline waves, the dancing flicker of Maori effigies burning from a time long past, or the beckoning call of Easter Island. Oh, what a treasure that would be?! But that wouldn’t be the whole truth either. The truth is probably more ordinary, as it goes. I’d say it’s been far closer to star-charting moments of perfect coincidence in an otherwise chaotic sea of randomness; making the best of difficult situations and striving for a more harmonious existence. At some point I had become disillusioned by a lot of music culture and there seemed to be a line crossed for me when so many forms of music and art stopped being about any kind of idealized catharsis or post-tribal vestige and all just hollow ethereal fad, image, and celebrity. This is the way of things; I get it. I just couldn’t be a part of that kind of world anymore. A lot of this path has also been tied to deep self-analysis of how my own behavior and belief systems directly effect my own reality and how base energy through intention lead to certain outcomes. It’s in this regard that I feel it’s weird to just talk solely about music or aesthetic when the evolution of this project has so directly been symbiotic with a long path of serious growth and change in my own life. Maybe Desert Islands by Gilles Deleuze is a key for philosophy, but that came much later. An inevitable outcome of already set sails or a discovered lost treasure, perhaps. Or, maybe, just a byproduct of subtle homage to the Fourth Way spoken of by Ouspensky and flowering up from some post-Theosophical Gurdjieff-esque styled garden of allegory, maybe; or just willfully being as uncomfortably boring as possible as a contrarian middle finger to noise and punk kids, a peaceful rebellion to the attention deficit-disordered modern world. That would definitely explain some of the past live shows. All would apply. To speak of the Wave Temples project distinctly… It’s been deeply personal by design. It’s been influenced and furthered onward by unique and intense hallucinations and dreams. This statement may seem a little cliché these days but interesting to note because I’ve never been a person to invest too much in dreams. Maybe I’ve never dreamed this intense or had such a systematic interpretation as I do today, but I doubt it. I am a skeptic at heart and I don’t think I’ve had dreams quite like this prior to 2013. I have plenty of ordinary dreams and long periods without any dreams at all, but on the rare occasion there are these dreams that inspire and further the Wave Temples narrative that have been richly enchanting and rewarding. My original intentions leading to this project were just to follow a childhood love to create narratives and play around freely on a voyage of self-discovery. To this realm, Atlantis and islands of mystery, the alluring quest of the old tropics, and all the sacred mysticism that still lie in secret exotic portal locales across the world. “To be true to thy self” apart. Keys to the Inner Islands was monumental for me. It was recorded around an intense journey to the southern-most tip of Key West in spring of 2013 and waking up to deep, middle of the night dopamine overloaded hallucinations while sleeping in my car. What are some pieces of music, film, art, literature, and cultural ephemera that shaped the sounds you pursue with Wave Temples? Season 1 episode 10 of In Search Of… with Leonard Nimoy was totally a way back starting point for the aesthetic of this project. Not so much the scientific need to explain the unexplained or discover the undiscovered, but just the flirtation with the wonder of wild enchanted ancient mysteries set to that backing raw lo-fi mystical synth music. It does make for the start of a really great narrative. It’s a shame they never issued just the soundtrack. The ability to craft a unique atmosphere through sound has been a long time fascination for me. Lots of the original music from the first season of In Search Of… was really interesting. I’ve always liked that kind of electromagnetic dirty lo-dub weird and raw. The new age phase by Kitaro was a huge unconscious influence on me from a very young age. At the time I had no concept of New Age as a genre, I just thought of it like a film score to a film that didn’t exist and I really loved that idea. I spent a lot of my teens listening to my dad’s cassettes and letting my imagination roam. In retrospect, as much of a sad teenager as I was, I was really happiest during that time. My only critique was that it was just too clean. I wished that this kind of music existed with the same raw lo-fi DIY passion that I found in early punk cassettes, but this was before the internet, so it’s all I had. That’s definitely a vivid experience that originally inspired me towards this project. Had I known of stuff like Iasos’s early work or J.D. Emmanuel at the time, who knows… There are however, many other later influences or experiences both musical and otherwise that have either inspired or justified this project to continue. Ana from the blog Microphones in the Trees was vital support that turned me on to a lot of like-minded people through her massive compilations and reviews. The Laboratory in Gainesville and all the improvisational experimental shows that used to happen there had a very strong impact on me at a critical point in time. Seeing Moemlien on tour with Unicorn Hard-On and Container at Action Research Halloween in 2011 was really important to me, but there have been several really excellent musical and aesthetic intersections made over the years that are also totally worth the research for the internet adventurous. The more hidden side of Florida and her associations with the old Atlantean tropics have been a huge point of inspiration. Hermeticism, anonymity, individualism, isolation, adventure! Florida in general holds some interesting mystery portals all her own. A very weird place for the attuned initiate willing to keep her secrets. Your Bandcamp page links to this video. How does this influence the sound and aesthetic of Wave Temples? That is definitely, probably, a measured byproduct of seriously taking “not taking it serious” very seriously, or not? I’d like to think it has a lot to do with Bermuda ley lines, or Malta. Her mysterious allure is very much within the spirit of this project. I think that video sums it up��perfectly. Isle Enchanted by Wave Temples Reading Britt Brown’s recent RBMA interview, the term “vibe sessions” stuck out for how he described his earliest experiences with new age and ambient shows. That phrase seems apt for what I hear when listening to Wave Temples’ back catalog on Bandcamp. With Isle Enchanted, were you going for a specific mood or feel? I don’t think I was aiming for any mood or vibe directly, other than maybe just good natured and peaceful. The desired outcome with this project tends to be more like room music or maybe an organic form of atmospheric wallpaper music would be a better term, where it works best when put at low volume on speakers and just allowed to fill the environment with ebb and flow. My main goal is always to make something that pleases my own environment: nature, cats, plants, bugs, birds, and now a fierce young lady dog. Low key plays a big part of it. I like soundtracking environments. The process however, always starts by returning to the narrative and often continues in intervals with notes taken periodically, experimenting with different methods, loops, and timbres, arranging technique or approach, then decoding it all together in post. It’s always cerebral first and foremost. I do have places that I’d like to go with albums like this one, but often the process defines itself as it goes along and ends up being new and uncharted. That is the most fun for me. The process is sort of like my journal, observing, documenting, and codifying the cross sections in the physical and metaphysical currents of my life and translating them into works of sound adventure. Up until this year, the voyage had evolved into a search for home and all the interesting human distractions along the way; pursuit of a lusting life and forgoing its destroyer. With Isle Enchanted specifically, it was coming out of the Cymatic Abyss, where stillness and patience dominate all vibration, discovering the teleporting island and now arriving at new destinations. Hearing rumors, stories, and mysteries. Reading up, daydreams, night dreams, hallucinations, investigations, just for a whole designated period dedicated to producing something. Once fully absorbed, clear the slate and just experiment. On the inside of the cassette cover of Isle Enchanted there is a non-linear track listing that kind of explains the narrative of this specific adventure. Reading back through it some 6+ months later, it sounds eerily similar to a sudden and chance adventure I had right about the time of this albums release… but was originally inspired at the crest of spring 2016 by tales of the adventurers employed by the Roman emperor Augustus in discovery of the yet to be tamed Isle of Capri, places like the labyrinthian Medici gardens of Florence, and the story of the discovery of Margate Shell Grotto in England… and how that all kind of related to the experience and possibilities of weird discovery of our own old hidden tropical-post-memphis styled estate that we’ve come to call home this year. Your releases give the impression of being formed from loose jam sessions. Is that the case? Do you put together tracks with an album or release in mind, or do you pick and choose from a lot of material? Aside from the inherent limitations of arranging within cassette format, I wouldn’t say loose jam sessions in any traditional sense. It became clear a long time ago that there is absolutely no fun for me in overly structured music, and I very much prefer a loose jam session with attuned people over some sort of monotonous rehearsal. Over the past 25 years of playing music, I have had a flirtation and/or chance to evaluate almost every type of music that exists on earth while trying to hone my own filter of influence. Methodical improvisation I’ve found tends to be the most exciting, especially in a live-show situation. A clean mental slate as far as technique is also helpful to keep it challenging. I often write for this project through live shows. Not only is it about the only fun way for me to perform something like this live, but it is also fun to pick up a show when I can and come out and sketch live for people or, on occasion, just willfully piss people off with being intentionally as boring or as sloppy (or as pretty sounding) as possible is totally fun too; especially opening at harsh noise shows. Most live stuff never makes it to recording as it’s performed either, so that’s great, too. Throughout the year I enjoy collecting sounds and timbres and moments that influence. Returning to the inner island is like a pilgrimage for me; a chance to center and sort things out. Though I am finding that the more I go along this path, the inner island is becoming more of an outer island and that to me has been the most rewarding outcome from persisting with this project. I spent a lot of my teens listening to my dad’s cassettes and letting my imagination roam. In retrospect, as much of a sad teenager as I was, I was really happiest during that time. My only critique was that it was just too clean. As stated earlier, each recording has been part of an ongoing narrative. Up until now it usually begins by arriving and ends by departing. Across the Shores of the Barrier Sea is a little different because it was from material created during a few years that I was totally lost, aimless, and in deep despair. It’s a mix of material from two highly orchestrated big gear live projection shows in the summer of 2011 mixed with cassette and battery-operated, reel-to-reel field recording experiments from late night sketchy bike rides in 2011 and 2012. At the time the project didn’t have a name but the process was already beginning to take root. There might also be some material slipped in from a quartet I joined for a show curated by Al Margolis at the Stone in Manhattan in early 2012. It’s never been officially released but I recently made it available to download on bandcamp by request. Keys to the Inner Islands was monumental for me. It was recorded around an intense journey to the southern-most tip of Key West in spring of 2013 and waking up to deep, middle of the night dopamine overloaded hallucinations while sleeping in my car. This proceeded a sudden chance adventure the next day to the increasingly lost but hidden, wild, and raw old Key West; eventually ending much farther north in hidden treasures near Cedar Key by Summer. That whole adventure sealed the deal for me. The album was released on cassette through Rainbow Pyramid, and later in short handmade run cassettes/digitally as the album Spring Ritual, which also included an extended kind of an ‘open ocean’ EP from the period right after departing the Isle of the Feathered Serpent that was 2013. In the Shade of the Island was darker days than Keys, definitely moving deeper into darker territory. A limited cassette only release from Mexican imprint Department Tapes that had a track play at the 24-hour guerrilla FM broadcast ‘The Dark Outside’ from deep in the Dark Sky Park of the Galloway Forrest Scotland in October 2013. Floating Garden/Hidden Temple was and is cassette-only, released through Rainbow Pyramid late 2013. This album joined an ending celebration of the Year of the Feathered Serpent, but started as a commission for a collaborative installation with a fantastic nature stop-motion filmmaker (also botanist and surfer) David C. Montgomery for a zoo’s festival of lights exhibition in December of that year. That album was also right in the wake of a lot of deep personal tragedy that would go on to directly influence the events of my life in 2016. Nice Dreams is all ocean exploration and was released on the Space Coast Florida imprint Illuminated Paths. It’s more of an intentional experiment based on research into sleep cycles. I wanted to soundtrack the rhythm and movements of sleep. This release was only part one though. The same outcome can still be achieved with just one part, but to get the full effect in theory, you have to listen to it through room speakers at a low audible level on repeat throughout the night. Every two cycles would approximately complete an average deep-sleep cycle, and it’s all math after that. Part 2 will get done one day. This is really the only album so far that was meant more for digital formats for the auto repeat feature. The cassette release was double repeat 90+ minutes but the tape still needs to be flipped. Sleeping Tortugas, released on Florida/California imprint Rotifer Cassettes, was more of an orchestrated and track-driven album. Set to a whole summer period in 2014 of intense, fantastical hot night dreams that bled into smooth serene day dreams and vice versa. A truly surreal place of intense feminine energy, sometimes dark, sometimes motherly, surrounded and hidden by fog; where the water shallowed and bubbled to the heartbeat of giant sleeping turtles. From the vast warm bubbling spring between their archipelago-sized bodies, to up under the gaze of high-tiered jungle cities and structures looming down from their massive shells, sometimes peaceful and surreal, and at times a place of dark adult rituals held in tiered fluorescent pools under a black starry sky, emptying down into a deep sparkling cenote lined in waterfalls that housed some ancient marriage ritual. I wasn’t able to stick around but it was intense stuff. A truly fantastical experience for me. A healing experience, but almost dangerous in its seducing allure after a while. It was hard to move on. After that we entered the Cymatic Abyss, with a brief excerpt Tales from�� released as a split with dank ambient tropical sound wizard Heat Surreens via Rainbow Pyramid in January 2015. Right now there is an out-take from the Isle Enchanted sessions online via Hartzine in France and a track for the massive ‘World Ambient’ comp release at midnight New Years 2017 via Onmyodo imprint from Portland/Seattle. How did Isle Enchanted come to be released through Not Not Fun? Whose idea was it to write “Masterpiece” on the cover? I was introduced to Britt through fellow Floridian John Touchton of Severed + Said. He caught up with me very figuratively swimming with the sharks that surrounded our soon-to-be-home Hawaiki. We started talking in email during the voyage over and eventually things slowed down enough to be able to trade some stuff and lay down some material that had been building up. I knew a little of Not Not Fun via Russian Tsarlag and I was really looking forward to a solid excuse to unpack my gear and record something at Hawaiki for the first time. Ultimately it came down to time, chance, and circumstance lining up to afford the right conditions. As far as the cover art, I left everything up to Britt. I have a very hands off approach to working with aesthetics for labels. I originally sent some photo examples to help flesh out a vision of the narrative the best I could, but often a tight physical product design is what a good imprint does best and a micro-managed affair is not quite in the spirit of this project. I believe the “masterpiece” portion was keeping within the aesthetic of old pulp adventure books which I thought to be a very appropriate concept. While this interview is going to run in early 2017, these questions were sent right at the tail end of 2016. What are you proud of from this year, and what are you looking forward to, musical or otherwise, in the new year? To say 2016 has been a monumental year for me would be an understatement. Close friends have said that this was the year I finally grew up but I don’t agree. I don’t believe there really is such a thing as “growing up,” but long since planted seeds did begin to really flower and bloom. Chance and circumstance took me on one long surreal roller coaster of a wave all year long. I swam with sharks, crash landed onto my own little island life, got married, and saw the barriers between make-believe and reality blur in ways I could have never imagined; got to go on most excellent adventures, learned that the most exhilarating experiences come in the face of imminent danger; successfully quit smoking after 23 years, and had the fortunate opportunity to release this album on Not Not Fun, and everything else in between. It’s going to be hard to top 2016 for me. I’m not so much proud as just thankful because none of this would have been possible just a few years ago. Life is long and certainly a weird mysterious happening sometimes. I imagine 2017 is going to be a very busy year in many realms of existence; maybe too busy at times, probably turbulent considering. I’m still open to far out voyages but I’d also hope to explore more inland territory too. I’m interested to get more into experimenting with composed and/or orchestrated music. I’d love to record live on the Isle of Malta. I don’t know… I am truly infantile to a whole new life, open to the possibilities, both pleasant and otherwise. I am truly thankful that 2016 was what it was for me and at this point I just try to savor the calm quiet moments between surging tidal currents, keeping my eyes open and focused forward. We shall sea… http://j.mp/2mjKcLv

[masterprocess]

Limited-fucking-slip differential

Sometimes I feel like I’m only having something close to half the human experience. I have a difficult time placing the emotions I have, and most of the time my brain can’t get it together well enough to make some words. There’s a pang at the bottom of my stomach. It feels like how a shell casing dropping on the ground sounds. There’s a smell in the house I sleep in that’s been bothering me for weeks. There’s a crick in my neck that I can’t get out. The room I sleep in isn’t cozy. It has mood shifts, and it can’t decide on a temperature. The smell isn’t right, and the clutter in here that isn’t mine blocks my mind like dirt clogging up a dam. I’m trying to remember my vacation from January, but I can only remember a few events. There’s a lump of coal in the middle of my lungs. It’s making me tense. I have a psychology book that I’ve been reading for class, and it’s mostly garbage, but this is how residual anxiety feels for me, I think. Have you ever been on a raft pulled by a boat? That’s kinda how time feels like sometimes. Regrets will build up and up and up, and you can either let them hit you and drag you into the water, or you can hold the fuck on and get the fuck through it. I’ve had a suitcase beside my bed for three months now. It’s been a quarter of a year and this toe jabbing irritant won’t get out of my life. It can’t go back where it is intended to, though. Someone told me that its home was being cleaned for some such nonsense. I’d rather have the walking spaces cleaned first. Toe jabbing is not fun. My parents have turned it into a sport, though. My parents are, on balance, alright people but they have a lot of issues that I doubt they’ll ever find the willpower to work through. 1) They won’t let go of the clutter in their life.

2) They have a hard time accepting the transient nature of life.

3) They don’t know how to interact.

4) They have a hard time imagining others as complex humans.

5) They are relatively resistant to any kind of change.

I have my own problems too. I have difficulty expressing myself, and my brain is kind of like a computer that randomly has it’s RAM wiped every so often for no discernable reason.

From an early age, I discovered my limits. If I set my mind to something, no matter how difficult, complex, or incomprehensible, I will eventually accomplish my task. The issue was never so much my ability so much as it was being able to make my body do what I wanted it to do. Beautiful sculptures and paintings clutter my mind, and no human has ever created them, but they will never be done justice. Hands are tools and these tools are defective. They shake, and they don’t make the lines they are commanded to make.

The Roman Empire fell because they were unwilling to become who they needed to be.

Why is money such an important concept? Why should I care about money?

I like listening to this song called “Royals” by Lorde. It’s catchy, it has a good use of the synth, I like the lyrics, and I like the singer’s voice.  The just of the song is that the music industry, and by extension the entire baby-boomer economy is entirely out of touch with the world. It’s materialist to the extreme. It’s narcissistic. It’s malignant to the world. These aren’t necessarily things the song itself says, but the thin strings of the ideas are woven through the song. If you think about it for too long, you’ll start arriving to the same conclusions as my autistic ass. The lyric “we crave a different kind of buzz” and then later on “ Life is great without a care, we aren't caught up in your love affair” gives that ethereal touch to the brain that “remember you can’t take all this fucking shit with you when you’re cold and dead in the ground.” If you believe in the afterlife, which I don’t know if I do, then the only thing you take is yourself. So you get the idea of you, and maybe some memories if you’re lucky. That’s the part that fucks with me, though. I can barely remember my most recent vacation, let alone “key childhood memories.” If the afterlife exists, there better not be a multiple choice test at the end because it’s gonna send me straight to hell. In front of me are three boxes of clear icicle lights which 

1) probably don’t work

2) will never ever see use again even if they do work because everybody is too afraid of dying to get up on the hospital to set them up (not that I blame them), and of course

3) need to be thrown in the goddamn garbage already

But come November, these fuckers will be in the same place, on top of some books that won’t be read in this household ever again and my mom will be budget shopping in wal-mart or target or whatever other consumerist baby boomer shithole is the vibe the wallet is giving this year for some more fucking lights which will pile on top of the old ones and continue the same cycle. I’ve had a word stuck in my head for the past year, and it repeats itself overandoverandoverandover again until I’m insane at 3AM. You wanna know the stupid ass word? LIMITED-SLIP DIFFERENTIAL.

The limited-slip differential is a specialized part for cars that either go off-road or on ice a lot. The differential is a part placed in the middle of the axle between two wheels so that a car can easily handle turns. When a car turns, the wheel on the inside of the turn moves slower because it doesn’t need to as much speed to cover the same relative distance as the wheel on the outside. The wheel on the outside of the turn, on the other hand, has to move much more quickly than the inside to cover the distance. It is because of this, the Chinese invented the differential back in the 3rd century to be placed on the middle of the axle so we can split the speeds of both wheels without destroying the vehicle. The limited-slip differential is a special version of the regular differential that has the benefit of being able to lock one wheel from spinning. This makes traveling slippery terrain much easier because as long as you have one wheel on relatively solid ground, you can still move your vehicle. This is all fine and dandy, but my brain can’t stop repeating this fucking word in my head over and over again. Well, I mean it’s more like a term for a vehicle part that is made up of three words, but whatever. I don’t care.

I have a series of poems that are pretty shitty that I was supposed to give my girlfriend a while ago, but they’re all pretty much garbage? I have a difficult time imagining why someone would want to read them. They’re all really basic, and there’s not a lot of depth to them, and I’m not a lesbian hermit who just sits in her room and writes poetry all day so I mean. It doesn’t really feel worth the effort to read them? I haven’t told my mom about being Bi, but she probably knows. I don’t really give a shit one way or the other, but I’m really not up for a big fight from dad.

Of all things, I’m worried that I won’t be able to get a fucking Nintendo console. I’ve been talking about it ad nauseum for about a month now, and everyone is about crazy with me. Special Interests are like that. I feel like a piece of shit for bringing up my SIs to anyone anymore because I just infodump out the heezy, which I’ve been told has a suffocating effect to everyone around me. I suppose that’ll be fun to look forward to when I’m thirty and I’ve used up 12 more infodump cards in one day than I was allotted (not). 

Anyways, I didn’t get a pre-order on day 1 because I’m too afraid to ask for anything after I was screamed out for asking for gas money several times (even though my tank was empty, but w/e). I eat lunch for 3.91$ every other day so I can stretch that shit as far as it’ll fuckin’ go so I can reduce the amount of screaming fits that my mom produces. She almost had a fit on me today. I took my sister to this Korean supermarket which had every single food ingredient that originates in Korea, and we bought some candies and lunch for me, her, and mom. Well, executive dysfunction out the ass today and I have the distinct displeasure of forgetting her goddamn diet coke from McDonalds (she’s gonna kill herself with that poison someday) so I rush over to the MnaldsMcSub to bend my ass over and get her some poison, and then when I get back I give her the shit and eat some cold ass Korean. I’m probably gonna get a bitch fit at the end of the week for the Korean food because it ended up being like 15$ a person (which is expensive) and it was my suggestion to go over there. Not looking forward to that shit.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the day when I’m independent and don’t receive a bitch out every day of my life. I’m actually distinctly curious as to how my parents are going to interact with me after they don’t have the availability of their primary interaction with me (bitch out) available to them anymore. Will they manufacture reasons to bitch out an independent adult? Will they ask me to see my finances so they can chew me out about how I spend my own money? Or will they (far more likely) just neglect to interact anymore in the future, similar to how my dead grandfather decided to? Who the hell knows? Anyways, if you made it this far, then congration you dun it. This how residual anxiety work with my autistic ass.