#etc etc etc I���m too exhausted rn to go into it

[moonkissedvisions]

Pick a pile/pick an image: Health messages ❤️‍🩹🌿⭐

Important: 16+. Not medical advice. If you are dealing with a health problem please talk to a professional. This is a general reading, take what resonates and leave the rest. Use your own discernment. Let your intuition guide you.

Pile 1 ❤️‍🩹

cards: Queen of Wands, King of Cups, Four of Wands, Four of Swords, Seven of Pentacles, Two of Wands.

There is a really strong need for REST here. Whether it is a physical or mental break, it is very clear that you have reached a point of great stress and exhaustion in both your body and your mind. Maybe it was a lot of work, study or overthinking and anxiety. Either way, you need to calm your nervous system urgently by walking, sleeping, meditating, deep breathing, being in nature, etc. You also need to appreciate your body and your mind for helping you work and do your daily activities. CELEBRATE your achievements but also your body and your health.

This pile has a good intuition which is helpful in making the right choices for your health. Your balance between your physical and emotional body is good. You have the need to understand the connection between your mind, body and spirit health and the multiple dimensions each of these have. For example, when people think of hormones, they most likely think about the sex and fertility aspect/dimension or hormones. But hormones are emotions, actions, and a lot of other things, so they both affect and are affected by all aspects of health. Your fertility is specially high, so if you are facing fertility problems atm, this may be a sign that you are improving and you should keep focusing on your current treatment and trusting the people who are taking care of you. Determination to quit unhealthy habits and start engaging in good ones is key for you now. You need to gain confidence in your health choices. You are capable of everything, especially rn. Everything that you want for your health is within reach, you just need to trust your course of action and be committed to it.

You need to know that you reap the fruits of the work you do on your health. If you do a good job on taking care of your health, you will feel good. If you don´t, you will not feel good. Also, if you are facing a health problem, you need to evaluate your lifestyle, routines and daily habits to find the root cause.

Finally, be grateful for the work your body does for you everyday. Thank the parts of your body that are working and healthy, instead of just focusing on your sickness/the parts that are bothering you.

Pile 2 🌿

cards: Temperance, Five of Wands, Queen of Wands, Ace of Swords, The Devil.

You may be going through a mysterious health issue, or maybe you are not listening to your body´s messages. It could be that you are ignoring a symptom, and you gave up getting a diagnosis because doctors couldn´t find the problem or had different/contradicting opinions. If that resonates, this could be a sign to not ignore it anymore, because there is a new opportunity to find help, a diagnosis, or a treatment. There is also a new opportunity to start taking care of your health, whatever that means for you

If you had a surgery, you are recovering impressively and completely. There is a lot of regeneration and transformation about this pile. It is possible that you will be cured of an illness. There is some waste in your system that is being removed and eliminated too.

Moderation is really present here. If you want to start eating healthy, quit smoking, or practicing a new form of exercise, I see you doing it gradually. This can be done in the form of reducing your portions or the amount of cigarettes you smoke daily. Your determination is high as well, you are really convinced you can reach your health goals and you probably wont stop until you make it!

Also, be careful with unprotected sex and take care of your genital organs. Avoid promiscuity by channeling your passion with other activities like working out, creating and mindfulness. SLEEP and EAT nutrient dense, building foods for regeneration. Don´t use sex to deal with every emotion. Learn about hormones and how to have healthy hormones/menstrual cycle.

Pile 3 ⭐

cards: Judgment, Two of Pentacles, King of Pentacles, Three of Swords, The Tower.

Health must be a priority as much as your work, your family and your social life are. Maybe this is something you forgot, or something you are starting to remember and being aware of now. There is a need for balance and having fun. You need to find joy in your health routines and be intentional about them. Find the joy in being in nature, playing, moving your body, making healthy meals and taking rest. Be responsible with your choices and priorities.

It is possible that you faced a sudden change in your life or a health issue that left you feeling nervous and anxious, or that you experienced a sudden anxiety attack or some kind of emotional disturbance that affected your health. If you resonate, relaxation is key. Also, it could be that you just realized you need to start therapy because you can´t deal with a problem on your own. The Tower in this pile may indicate muscle tension, stress, high blood pressure, grief, depression and spine problems for some of you. Im getting detoxing as well.

If you resonate with going through grief, pain, depression, heartbreak or a difficult emotional time, allow yourself to feel your emotions. Release them by crying, screaming, punching a pillow, writing, or whatever way is helpful to you. Acknowledge your hurt, your pain without getting lost in it. Practice gratitude. Reconnecting with nature is another good thing to do, since nature is something greater than ourselves and also incredibly beautiful, mesmerizing, and healing. As you can see in the picture you picked, grounding and walking in a forest is adviced. Get exposed to natural light and natural springs. Drink a lot of fluids, get enough minerals. Drink calming, soothing teas. Planning your health routines will be beneficial.

Lastly, take care of your joints by maintaining a good posture, moving your body and strenghtening your muscles.

Thank you for reading! Feel free to ask any questions, or leave any suggestions and corrections!

[vampiretendencies]

request; reminding them how lucky you are to have them, with jj?

pairing; jj x fem!reader

warnings; fluff

authors note; writing blurbs rn to cure my writers block, you may request from the list below or send in your own idea, as well as any other requests for one shots, imagines, etc.

other ways to say i love you prompt list

A jab to the ribcage was no way to rest.

Feeling such pain in the middle of your slumber, has you jolting upward to merely peer at a wide-awake JJ. Hard to make out— the shared room being dimly light, whilst the street lights from outside peeked harshly through the blinds.

As much as JJ could watch you sleep on repeat like it was his favorite movie.

He had something on his mind, that must be released at this very second. So, unfortunately your sleep was a bargain, but he’d be sure to make it up to you.

You were pressed delicately to his chest, legs intertwined symbolically wrapped up in each other, now facing one another. But now you are passively staring into his soul, wondering what could possibly be wrong at 3:30 in the morning.

“What?”

You hissed, such an idiotic shit-eating grin plastered on his face. He’d awoken a beast, being sure to tame it at once.

“What, baby?”

“Did you just fucking poke me?!”

Still he looks onward to you, besot filled eyes— such infatuation for one person.

People have given away pieces of their heart to multiple other people, but not JJ. He beckoned for this moment.

To be transformed and stupidly, insanely infatuated with someone.

You, that is.

That’s why, he’s proding you from exhaustion this late.

He just could never let you go too long without knowing so.

“That I did do but … but for good reason.”

“It’s never a good reason with you.”

Annoyance filled your voice, but he gave you the benefit of the doubt. Eyes awaiting his response, that seemed to take hours, when it was really two minutes.

“Never told you that before we met, I told John B I saw this moment right here … right now … with you.”

“You’re telling me this at almost 4 AM, because …”

“Because m’ a fuckin’ genie baby … shit, or is it psychic?”

He heard a small giggle erupt from your figure; a sign that he needed to continue talking, pulling you in closer if that was even humanly possible. The urge to be inside your skin overwhelming— as it’s filled with warmth and, the closest he’ll ever get to seeing and knowing your heart.

“Seriously though, I think you healed a part of me I never thought could be fixed,” JJ swallowed the lump in his throat, fingers combing through your hair, cooing at you with such remembrance. “I’ve always been searching for this stability … but I knew that once I didn’t want to run from this, you’d be my one … the one person I physically could not breathe without.

“J, you know ‘m not going anywhere-“

“Not finished, pretty girl,” He hushed you softly through pursed lips. “It’s a privilege to even be in your presence … m’ so Goddamn lucky.”

JJ would rather be caught dead than talking about his feelings, not now, anyway. With you, he’s constantly spewing out the most obscene, off-the-wall thoughts. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“And I love you, okay ?”

He reassured, as if you asked for it. Speaking his words directly into your lips, hungering for you to know those thoughts, to taste that and swallow them whole. Never having to question his utter devotion for you.

“And I love you, J,”

There was no ‘too’, no that was pathetic. The love shared was equal, no in between.

Just equal.

[myaheartsmarkie]

addicted - chapter three

word count: 12.9k

playlist: from time by drake, late at night by roddy rich, i want u around by omar apollo, wasting time by brent faiyaz, best you had by don toliver, luv is dro by jack harlow, and party by sik-k!

genre: smut, so much. mild one sided pining, jealous! jeno, angst, fluff (im team jeno yall lol), fwb! to lovers, student athletes! yn + jeno. the boyz! and dream + 127 member make side role! appearances. jaehyun is trying to fight jeno lol, haechan and kevin stir up trouble as per usual

warning(s): smut! smut! smut! (pls, if you're a minor - leave.) lots of swearing!!, jeno is toxic, and boy oh boy does it show. choking, spanking, slight public sex! (they're fucking in the locker rooms again lmaooo), teasing, dom! jeno, sub! reader, face fucking, spit play, cum play, oral (f! + m! receiving), tons of sex talk, established height difference (im not even short so lets not jump to conclusions, but the dominating role i wrote in for jeno imo calls for a significant height difference. im the author so pls respect it. if you don't like it don't read it. thanks.) reader has a smart ass mouth (if you're sensitive? ig..lol my mouth is reckless too so it feels normal) mentions of violence (jaebae isn't taking no shit in this chapter lmao), use of pet names (baby, angel, princess, etc..) jeno can be rough at times in some scenes, but not violent, some dry humping, slight size kink, i think that's it...lmk if i missed anything!

note from mya: ITS FINALLY HERE YALL!! omg this took so frickin long D: im so very sorry & i pray to every god that its worth it ! i worked hard lol. also i had originally written 14.8k but last night it got deleted bcus we had an outage & i guess it didnt back up properly :( but yea, you guys already know. no minors. if you're legal, happy reading :) taglist is posted at the bottom <3 . & of course this isn't revised lmao...fuck that. thanks for your patience & support, ily!

© myaheartsmarkie 2022 — all rights reserved !

—

“yn?” kevin said softly, knuckles grazing the frame of your door. 

he sighs when he receives no response in return. he looks back at jaehyun with a sad expression. jaehyun lets out a sigh, chest heaving angrily. 

“i’ll fucking kill him” he mumbles, turning around and stalking to the front door. 

kevin scurries to sit the plate of food down and catch his best friend before he reaches outside. kevin grabs jaehyun’s shoulder, halting his movements. 

“we don’t even know if it’s because of jeno,” kevin starts. 

“i know it is—god, i never liked that dickhead” he says, hands going to grip his hair out of frustration. 

“ok…but your rep too—you can’t just beat up the baseball captain and get away with it” he tells jae. 

jaehyhun sighs, moving to sit on the couch. he tugs his phone from his pocket, quickly finding your contact. 

jaebae: hey…ik you don’t wanna talk rn but me & kev are here for you, ok? you know we always are. so whenever you’re ready, we’ll be here waiting. i love u. 

jaebae: …and if it was that fucker j*no i promise you these hands are rated e for everybody, especially if they hurt you. 

you smile at the text messages. you love your best friends but right now…you weren’t up for any kind of communication. you were glad they knew that as well. hearting both of the messages from jaehyun before you turn your phone off again, burying yourself under your duvet. 

—

it’s been a long ass week. 

missing three days of class, constant crying, and using up your vacation days to sulk in bed can be very exhausting. luckily sungchan has been sending you his notes, filling you in on what you’ve missed. he was god sent, truly your guardian angel. his notes were filled to the brim, jotted down sentences in multiple different pen colors, he was so extra. the last photos he sent to you was yesterday. three pictures of his college ruled white paper concluding with a quick selfie of himself with a thumbs up, ‘get better, i miss u!’ drawn across the screen with a tiny heart. 

you haven’t thought about him. not today at least…but have you thought about him since the whole ordeal? yes. yes times a thousand. you can’t help it, your mind does its own thing. it doesn’t listen to you, no matter how hard you try to not do so — your mind betrays you. pictures of his stupidly handsome face, his stupid buff arms, and his stupid stupid stupid (very good) dick game. you can’t help it! 

you’re surprised with yourself though, the fact that you’ve actually mustered up the courage to block him and not text or call him back. it truly takes a ton of work and you’ve done well these past few days. the countless missed calls from the ‘no caller id’ contact and constant texts from the said man. begging for you to come back and his meaningless apologies. you’ve read them…hell fucking yeah you have, but have you replied? nope. 

you sigh, reluctantly sitting up in your bed. you eye the time, 11:06am. you have class at 12…if you get ready now, you can make it on time. you purse your lips in thought, do you really wanna go to class today? you shake your head, tugging the blanket from over you and make your way to the bathroom. 

—

jaebae: im going to practice and kev is at sunwoo’s. lmk if you need anything, sweetheart. 

you see the text from your roommate, eyes drifting from the mirror to your phone screen. you read it and smile. tooth rotting sweet as usual, what more do you expect from jae? you pick up your phone, texting him back. 

you: ok!! thank u but im good rn :) luv ya 

you lock your phone, continuing your activities. you press the plus sign on your speaker, upping the volume trying anything to get you into a good mood. mumbling some lyrics here and there while you get ready. once you’re done you twist the door of your bathroom, but you come to an abrupt pause. the house is empty now…which means you have no ride. you facepalm. you can’t text jae now, it’s been like 10 minutes since he left. you internally whine, moving to sit on your bed. you lay back dramatically, huffing as you wonder who the hell you could call. kevin’s free but probably tipsy…afterall in his world it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. jaehyun and sungchan are at practice, jieun…we’re not even gonna think about her. who else even is there…? 

you sit up in a flash as his face pops up in your head. if you remember correctly he has a 12 o’clock class as well, so it shouldn’t be much of a hassle, right? you hurriedly grab your phone, scrolling until you stumble across his contact. 

you: hey bestie :D !! i need a ride to class, can you pick me up ? 

you cringe at the message, swiping up and out of the app. you bite your lip…were you being too forward? is this crossing any lines? was it too soon? 

you: if not it’s cool!! don’t worry about it lol..

you chuck your phone backwards onto your bed. palms covering your face as you groan loudly. was it always this awkward? like…texting? you don’t know, but what’s done is done. mainly because you can’t unsend it. 

ding!

you flinch at the sound, reluctantly picking up the cellular device. 

eric :) : sure!! be there in five :) 

eric :) : ps…cus you’re cute i won’t charge you for gas money :P thank me later

you roll your eyes at the second message, you’re glad he’s not being awkward about it. you were already emotionally fucked up…you didn’t need another problem added to your plate right now. you sigh happily, gathering your things and moving to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. settling on a green apple, you bite the fruit scrolling through your fyp while you wait. 

eric :) : i’m here 

—

you make your way out the door, clutching your bookbag strap tightly. why were you so nervous? you weren’t even this nervous when you and him went on your first date! this is so backwards. 

watching your shoes as you hop down the stairs, making your way to his black jdm. you’re glad he’s not standing outside the car like usual, you’d be too embarrassed to look at him face to face. you grab the handle, pulling the car door open. slinging your bookbag off before you climb in. hand running down the back of your skirt to make sure it doesn’t bunch up when you sit. you close the door before turning to look at eric. when you do you let out an audible gasp. 

“o-oh my god!” you say, eyes wide with shock. 

eric laughs, running a hand through his hair. 

“when the hell?” you say, hand moving to touch his newly dyed hair. 

“two days ago, you like it?” he asks, body turning towards yours. 

your finger runs through his hair, admiring the new color. his eyes are on you, watching you with curious eyes. you were still so damn pretty. 

“i do…it suits you” you smile, retracting your hand from his head. 

“thank you m’lady” he grins, hands moving to start the car. 

you shake your head, buckling yourself in before he pulls off. 

—

you make your way through the hallway, squeezing through the many other bodies. you clutch your book bag to your side, trying your best not to bump into anybody. you stand atop your tiptoes trying to glance over the many heads. you eye your classroom, trying to push your way through in

the direction of your class. you successfully make it to class, pushing through the door and hurrying to make it to your seat. you sit down with a huff, head falling onto the table. if you knew it’d be this stressful you would’ve stayed home. 

you sat up, eyes curiously searching the classroom. there were a few other students scattered everywhere, but it wasn’t 12 yet…so more people are sure to show up. you didn’t see sungchan though, you pouted picking up your phone. 

you: HEY FUCKER!! WYA???

bambi: ??? you’re in class ??? 

you: YES

bambi: i’m almost there, save me a seat pls

you thumbs up his last message, sitting your bookbag on the seat next to you. in the last minute or so at least ten or twelve more students poured into the class. you rest your face on top of your open palm, blowing a breath out from your mouth obnoxiously. you really didn’t wanna be here. 

—

you and sungchan stretch in unison, fingers reaching towards the ceiling. you guys turn to face each other, laughing loudly. you both gather your things making your way out to the hallway, thanking the professor on the way out. you loop your arm through sungchan’s skipping side by side down the hallway. 

“you wanna get some food?” he asks and you nod happily. 

“ok, i gotta get my keys from my locker, come on” he tells you, leading you in the direction of the elevator. 

the two of you step into the elevator, pressing the number four. you both wait patiently, stepping out once the doors open for the two of you. 

“you wanna wait right here?” he asks, pointing at the bench outside of the locker room. 

you nod, un-attaching yourself from him and sitting down politely. you cross your legs, folding your hands over your lap. you watch sungchan walk away, both yours and his book bags slung over his figure. you slightly smile, you loved him so much. your left leg bounces, nerves going a little crazy – worried jeno would randomly pop up when you least expect it. you find your nail in between your lips once more, chewing nervously. 

“yooo! haven’t seen you in awhile,” a voice shouts from behind you. 

you jump, eyes wide as you look over the figure. he walks up to you, hand resting on your shoulder. 

“woah, didn’t mean to spook you” haechan laughs, welcoming himself to sit next to you. 

“you fucking dick,” you roll your eyes, punching his arm. 

“ow! why’re you sitting out here? waiting for jeno?” he asks, teasingly wiggling his eyebrows at you. 

you huff out, rolling your eyes at him. you lift your hand again, but haechan grabs your balled up fists so you don’t hit him again. 

“it was a joke, i’m kidding” he tells you.

“i’m waiting for sungchan, we’re gonna go eat”  you say to haechan, tugging your hands from his grip. 

“—and jeno and I are no longer acquainted, thank you very much” you huff, turning your nose up. 

“wait, really? why, what happened?” haechan asks, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“don’t wanna really talk about it, but he can’t keep his dick in his pants to save his life” you mutter with a roll of your eyes. 

haechan makes an ‘o’ shape with his mouth, nodding his head in understanding. you nod as well, turning your head to the sound of the door opening, haechan peeking around your shoulder. sungchan walks out, spinning his car keys on his finger. you stand up, brushing your skirt down. haechan follows suit, standing up as well. he daps sungchan up and gives you a kiss on top of your head. 

“i’ll see you guys later,” he yells out, holding the locker room door open. 

the two of you waved goodbye to the boy, turning around to make your way to the elevator. 

“yo sungchan! i forgot to ask—” his sentence is cut short as he sees who is standing in front of him. 

you and jeno make eye contact, your mouth drying up at the sight of him alone. you shift on your feet nervously, swallowing hard. jeno’s eyebrows crinkle in confusion and anger. 

“hey roomie…what’d you need?” sungchan asks with a nervous laugh. 

“so you’re too good to text or call me back because you’re hanging out with my best friend?” jeno asks, looking past sungchan at you. “hey…i’m both of your guys’ best friends.” sungchan says. 

you roll your eyes, turning your gaze elsewhere. you didn’t have the energy to deal with this right now. not only did you not come here for this but you’re hungry as hell. not a good mixture. 

jeno scoffs when he realizes you’re not going to reply, “oh so you really think you’re too good, huh? can’t even speak to me.” he says, mockingly laughing at you. “fuck off jeno,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“whatever, are you coming back to the crib tonight?” jeno asks, turning his attention to sungchan. 

sungchan thinks about his question for a bit, but he shakes his head no. “i’m going to haechan and yuta’s for the tournament…they want their asses whooped in mario kart again,” he chuckles lightly. jeno nods in understanding, smacking sungchan’s back with his palm. “i’m having jieun over, I needed it empty tonight” he winked at you. 

you scoff loudly, can you believe this fucking asshole? you can’t believe you used to like him. 

“you’re a dick, fuck you” you say, not breaking eye contact with him. jeno shrugs, leaning down towards your face. you back up in disgust, not wanting to be anywhere near him at all. “let me know when you’re done being petty and I promise I’ll take you back, princess,” he whispers, curling a piece of your hair behind your ear. you smack his hand away angrily. “never in a million fucking years,” you say through gritted teeth, turning away. 

you make your way to the elevator, pressing the down arrow. sungchan follows suit, nervously fiddling with his fingers. you huff out, blowing the stray hairs in front of your face away. you were beyond livid right now. 

—

[ the (3) stooges ] 

you: jeno fucked jieun. 

you: and they’re meeting up to fuck again 2nite

you: feeling suicidal :) 

kev: WAIT ARE YOU DEADASS?? 

you: i wish i was fucking lying. 

kev: what an asshole…that’s so disappointing

jaebae: i’m omw

[ you and kev ‘?’ this message ] 

kev: where are you going??? 

you: ^

jaebae: to fuck him up . 

[ kev hearted this message ] 

you: no?? wtf???

kev: ignore her, go fuck him up!!! beat his ass!!! 

[ jaebae liked this message / yn disliked this message ] 

you: i’m so serious, what if you lose your scholarship :( 

[ kev disliked this message ]

jaebae: sigh

kev: fucking party pooper, boo tomatoes boo!! 

you: thank you i love u guys 

[ jae + kev hearted this message ] 

you lock your phone, sitting up off of sungchan’s lap. you make your way to the kitchen to grab a drink. twisting the cap on the bottle of water, you take a few sips as you walk back into the living room. 

“who the FUCK threw that bannana?!” haechan asked and yuta smirks in response to his outburst.

“what are you gonna do about it, huh?” yuta asks, throwing another banana towards haechan’s character. 

sungchan is quiet throughout the game, eyebrows crinkled in sheer concentration. you eye the gold number one in the corner of his screen. all the other boys moan out in agony as he crosses the finish line. haechan throws the switch controller down onto the couch angrily. 

“fuck you” yuta says, flipping your best friend off. you and sungchan laugh at the boys' reactions, finding them amusing. 

you guys all looked at the door confused when the doorbell rang. yuta gets up to answer the door, and you all look curiously from your seats. 

“eric? what’s up!” yuta says, unlocking the door for him and his friends. 

you turn to sungchan with wide eyes, sungchan smiles at you. 

“take your mind off jeno for now…he’s my friend but he’s being a dick right now” he tells you, ruffling your hair. 

“you invited them?” you ask, and sungchan nods. 

“i swear i’m—” you start but you close your mouth abruptly when you hear your name being called. “yn? is that you?” eric asks, you turn around slowly with a sort of awkward smile. “i didn’t know you’d be here, would’ve come over sooner,” eric joked, sliding into the open seat next to you. sungchan rubbed your back before he stood up to walk away. 

“you met my friends, right?” he asks, pointing back at his two friends. sunwoo and juyeon wave at you with a smile. “is this your girlfriend?” juyeon asks, you and eric blush madly. sunwoo elbows him in the side, offering a small apologetic smile. “s-sorry, it’s just–when you guys were at the club…i-i thought” the black haired boy stutters. 

“it’s fine,” you smile, hands holding your blushing face. eric is just as red as you, coughing at the now awkward environment. “we’re not dating, jackass,” eric says, running a hand through his hair. 

“you guys want in?” you hear haechan ask.

sunwoo and juyeon’s eyes light up at his question, practically running to grab a controller. you watch them, laughing at their excitement. yuta then makes his way back to the living room, speaker in hand. what was a small quiet get together is now a very noisy party of seven. 

“do you wanna go outside?” eric asks, leaning down to whisper the question into your ear. with blushing cheeks you nod yes, following him out the front door. 

haechan looks at sungchan both of them sharing a nod before sungchan pulls his phone out. 

[ bsb bozos ]

hae: wooooah yn went with him outside ;)

sungchan: lol fr? just them?

hae: yuuuup

jeno: ???

hae: oh shit

sungchan: wrong gc, fuck.

hae: yea my bad jen lmao

jeno: who are you guys talking about?

[ read 11:34am ]

jeno: you little shits better answer me 

[ haechan liked this message ]

hae: i love aggressive men <3 

hae: yn went outside with eric :)))

sungchan: stfu omg you can’t hold water for shit. 

hae: im sorry D:

jeno: are you deadass?? im omw you fuckers better watch her, if he touches her istfg 

hae: you got it daddy— boss!

sungchan: i meaaaan…

jeno: chan don’t fw me rn

sungchan: no bcus you literally told her you were gonna fuck her now ex bestfriend…

sungchan: but now you want us to watch her?? because she went outside with someone?? 

sungchan: it’s ass backwards…you can stick your dick in anything that walks & she has to be ok with it but when she’s in the vicinity of another man you’re losing your fucken mind. make your mind up jeno, we’re not kids. if you want to be with yn, then tell her AND show her that. stop making shit complicated. we all know you want her. 

hae: ok, but it’s giving poet…modern shakespeare if you will 😫 .

sungchan: LMFAOOO stfu haechan 

jeno: im not responding to that shit in full, you talk to damn much. but ik im in the wrong, but im selfish ass toxic mf and she knows that. im omw rn, you don’t have to watch her…but i am taking her home so you don’t have to worry about us. 

hae: oh we’re not worried abt y’all…were worried for eric

sungchan: ^ yeah…will he be ok? his team still needs him lmao..

jeno: i won’t touch him…

sungchan: im not buying it, where’s the rest

jeno: if he’s not touching her, i’ll be cool. 

hae: alright lee, stop texting cus ik you’re driving.

sungchan: ^ adios 

—

“wait wait, so you didn’t always live here?” you ask, and eric nods. “nope, i just came back this year.” he confirms, and you nod with a slightly agape mouth. “how are the states? is it as fun as people make it seem?” you question, eric holds his chin with two fingers trying to figure out how to answer. “i like the states…different—very, but it’s enjoyable.” he replies and you nod. “you wanna go?” he asks, referring to the states and you nod excitedly. “ugh, it’s my biggest dream…but i

haven’t gone yet,” you pout, bottom lip slightly jutting out. you wrap your arms around yourself, seeking warmth from your hands. 

eric notices and slips out of his hoodie, offering it to you. you shake your head, waving your hands. “it’s fine,” you say. “wasn’t asking, yn” he tells you, already putting the hoodie over your head. you reluctantly push your arms through the holes, pulling the oversized sweater on. eric slides his hands under your hair, lifting it from under the sweater. he curls some of it behind your ear and you look up at him with a sweet smile. “uh, thank..you” you say, fiddling with the hem of his sweater. eric looks back at you, with kind eyes, loving how you look in his sweater. he bends down slowly, inching towards your face. you bit your bottom lip, contemplating whether or not you should let this happen. it’d be wrong, right? to lead him on, you know you don’t like him…not more than a friend. so why let him do this? it’ll only hurt him again. before you know it, he’s centimeters from you, his lips so close to yours. you sigh, squeezing your eyes shut. you wait for his lips to touch yours, squeezing your hands together. your nails dig into the skin of your palms. 

before his lips could touch yours, you’re being tugged away from his grasp. your eyes shoot open, you’re now staring at the back of a tall figure. 

“the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh?” the man says, his grip on your wrist was tight and unwavering. 

“jeno?!” eric says, astonishment evident on his face. you and him both were just as surprised at his presence. 

“w-when did you get here?” you ask quietly, trying to pull away from him. jeno turns to you, eyeing the sweater on you. “take this shit off,” he tells you, pulling at the sleeves. 

if you didn’t do it yourself he was going to do it himself. you tug the sweater up and off of you, wrapping your arms around yourself. you guys may be on bad terms but you know better than to aggravate an already angry lee jeno. eric scoffs loudly in response to the scene unfolding in front of him. 

“yn, what the fuck is going on right now?” eric asks and you open your mouth to respond. “don’t fucking talk to her.” jeno seethes, looking at eric angrily. he throws the man his sweater back and turns away. he grabs your hand, tugging you away from eric. you shriek, looking back at eric slightly waving as jeno drags you along. 

“j-jeno, my wrist..it hurts” you say quietly. 

jeno stops walking, causing you to run into his back. you stumble, holding your nose from the impact. you look up curiously, wondering why he stopped walking. “you know how angry i get when you do shit like this,” jeno whispers, and your eyebrows crinkle. “w-what do you mean?” you ask. “don’t play dumb.” he tells you, pinning you against the wall. you flinch at the way it feels against your skin, but you couldn’t care less right now. 

“everytime i see you with someone that isn’t me,” his hands snake around your waist. “i fucking hate that shit…and you know it” his hands grab your ass, squeezing it until you moan out. “i’m selfish, and you’re all mine baby” you bite your lip, looking up at him with glazed over eyes. 

“w-what about jieun…” you whisper, needing to know. 

“i fucked up, and i’m sorry..” he tells you curling a piece of hair behind your ear. you nod in response. “did you…” jeno shakes his head, finger grazing your lips shushing you. “no baby, we didn’t…i promise” he tells you, bending down to kiss your head. you nod in response.

you’d rather not talk, it's been a long night. you’re relieved to say the least though…you’re glad they didn’t sleep together. you don’t know what you would’ve done or said if he said they did. 

“take me home,” you say, turning your head away from him. 

jeno nods, grabbing hold of your hand. “let’s go baby,” he says, leading you towards his car.

—

[ the (3) stooges ] 

* ���kev kev’ added ‘bambi’ and ‘hae <3’ * 

you: there’s 5 of us now, gc name is incorrect. 

hae <3: omg girl stfu

[ you changed the gc name to “yn for prez :D” ]

bambi: lmfao tf kind of name

kev kev: i hope you know i would n e v e r vote for you :)

you: rude asf. 

hae <3: yeah yeah, shut up. what happened yesterday ?!

kev kev: oh yeah! how’d it go last night??

bambi: ^

you: ??? wdym

kev kev: did you get dicked down last night?

you: wtf?? no. 

hae <3: mission: failed

kev kev: fat ass sigh

you: wait a damn minute…

you: YOU DICKS!! YOU SET ME UP DIDN'T YOU????

you: i knew it…jeno literally just popped up. 

kev kev: IT WAS THEIR IDEA 

[ bambi + hae <3 disliked this message ] 

bambi: stfu you’re a fucking liar

hae <3: jus because i helped doesn’t mean i was involved :(

you: i’m gonna fuck you two up

[ kev + hae <3 liked this message / bambi disliked this message ]

bambi: yn, i love you 

[ you liked this message ] 

bambi: it wasn’t me D: pls believe me 

[ you liked this message ] 

you: <3 

[ kev + hae <3 disliked this message ] 

kev kev: in FRONT of me ?! 

hae <3: ^ ong, ur so fake bro ):

kev kev: fuck u yn :( 

jaebae: can you guys shut the fuck up?? i have a game tmrw u asshats 

you: sorry :(

kev kev: im shutting the fuck up. 

bambi: aye aye captain 

hae <3: yes daddy. 

—

you skipped down the hall with jaehyun, his arm slung over your shoulder. he insisted on walking you to class today, you were a bit taken aback but you let him do so. 

“so, what’s up after class?” he asks. “i go back to practice today—i’m excited” you reply back, a glint showing in your eyes. jaehyun looked down at you fondly, he adored you. “should i be worried..?” you ask, turning to look at him. jae shakes his head no, petting your hair. “just didn’t want you running into him again alone,” he tells you, a small smile spreads across your features. 

you wrap your arms around his middle, buying your face in his chest. “thank you, jae…i appreciate you” you tell him, he chuckles lightly. bending down a bit to press a kiss to the top of your head before he turns you around to push you through the classroom door. 

jeno watches from afar with an annoyed expression. his fists at his sides, jaw clenched tightly. he hated seeing you with other guys. fuck everybody that wasn’t him. though he knows everything between you and jaehyun is all platonic, it still bothers him. 

jae turns around, making eye contact with jeno. he rolls his shoulders back, jutting his chin in his direction slightly—silently greeting him. jeno doesn’t nod back, he just stays still—fists still shaking with rage. jaehyun smirks slyly, turning away from jeno clutching his book bag strap.

—

you sat in class quietly, jotting down notes every now and again. you were mainly zoned out though—pondering on what jeno was doing right now. you pushed the pen into your cheek, clicking the button in and out. you wondered what he had on right now, or if he was listening to music, or if he was thinking about you too. you didn’t know why your mind drifted off to jeno lee, but you couldn’t help it. after the encounter with him last night, he’s been heavy in your head. 

ding!

j: come to me after class. 

what are the odds, lol. you say to yourself in your head. you pick up your phone, clicking the notification. 

j: and you better have me unblocked or else yn. 

[ you disliked this message ] 

you: stfu i do what i want

you: where and why

j: don’t question me & stop being funny.

j: locker rooms, right after class. not a minute later.

j: don’t make me fucking wait. 

you rolled your eyes, leaving him on read. a little riling up never hurt anybody…well, never hurt you at least. plus, you already know what’s going to go down—why not get him all worked up beforehand? he deserves it after all, that little stunt he pulled at the club. 

—

you rock back and forth on your feet in the elevator. you were a little nervous. you fiddle with your fingers, rubbing over the acrylic on your nails. it was just jeno…why are you worried.

you: um…im up here, wya?

j: come to the back. 

you lock your phone, nodding your head. you push through the swing doors, making your way to the back of the locker rooms. you take a deep breath before you twist the doorknob. you peek from behind the door, everything looks the same. same chair, same desk, same jeno. 

“took you long enough” he says through gritted teeth. you don’t respond, you just step fully into the small room before you close the door behind you. “come here,” he tells you. 

you slowly make your way to him, eyes on the floor. he’s shirtless, leaning against the desk. sweat is collected above his brow, you wonder if he’s fresh out of practice. jeno’s index finger curls under you chin, jerking your head up. though he’s leaning against the desk he’s still towering over you. his intimidating features and size make your legs tremble. you look up at him, chewing on your bottom lip nervously. 

“don’t be so scared love..” he whispers, bending down to be closer to you. you gulp down hard, both your mouth and your throat suddenly dry. “i-i have practice…a-at 2:30” you tell jeno and he smiles down at you. “we’ll be done by then, but i don’t know if you’ll be able to stand.” jeno loops a finger through your belt loop, tugging you into him. as your body collides with his he bends down to catch your lips in a kiss. your hands are awkwardly pressed against his chest, not really knowing what to do with them. one arm is holding you in place, the other placed at the back of your neck. “i missed you,” he tells you through small kisses and breaths. “didn’t miss me when your tongue was down jieun’s throat,” you spit back, slightly pushing him back. 

jeno laughs, looking up at the ceiling before his eyes fall back onto you. you cross your arms over your chest. you were going to let him get away with it, but you can’t let it slide. not after what he told you that same day. even after what he showed you? you needed answers. 

“yn…come on, i already apologized.” he tells you, hands moving to touch you again. you jerk back so he doesn’t touch you, jeno sighs in response.

“jeno. you told me you loved me, then you went and made out with jieun that same day!” you tell him, and he holds his face in his hands, an exasperated sigh falling from his mouth. “you went outside with eric and left me there by myself, how do i know you didn’t make out with him?” he shoots back at you. you scoff rolling your eyes at his response. “i broke it off with him for you,” you tell him. “ok…and jieun came onto me and i wasn’t thinking straight” he tells you, walking towards you…wanting to hold you. “i was watching you and eric that night, why do you think i was so mad?” he says, eyebrows furrowed in slight anger. “when i came up to you at the bar? that wasn’t when i first got there,” you look up at him, expression full of confusion. “i seen him help you down the stairs, watch your drink, hold your purse—all that shit,” he says to you and you’re rendered speechless. “that should’ve been me…and i swear if i could go back in time and go with you, that night—i would.” he concluded his statement, hands holding your face softly. 

you stand on your tiptoes to capture his lips in a kiss, you knew you would fold and forgive him…all you wanted was a proper apology. you couldn’t stay mad at him for too long…

“are you still mad at me?” jeno asks after he pulls away from your lips. you respond silently, bringing your hands up to show ‘just a little’ with your fingers. the both of you laugh, going back to making out. jeno’s hands grip your waist tightly, if he’s speaking honestly he’s afraid of letting you go. he feels that if he lets you go he’ll lose you again…and he can’t risk that, never again. 

“don’t leave me again…” he whispers, lips barely grazing yours. “never leave me…please” he’s practically begging right now. “don’t do shit to push me away then jeno,” you tell him, arms wrapped around his shoulders. he nods in response, arms wrapping tighter around your middle. he squeezes you softly, inhaling your scent. 

—

the last few days have been hectic to say the least. you and jeno have been in contact, very much so in fact. you’ve been over to his place a few times but you haven’t brought him around jaehyun yet. you feel kind of bad, he tried so hard to protect you from him but you went right back. so you don’t have the heart to tell him you guys are on good terms just yet. 

jaebae: im waiting outside, sungchan is here too !

you: okaaay, im coming rn just have to grab some things from my locker. 

[ jae liked this message ] 

“look at you, what have i done…” jeno says into your ear, licking the back. “you were such a good girl, where’d she go? hm?” you don’t respond, you just look up at him from your place on the floor. your pretty eyes are glazed over with wetness from your previous activities. 

“you just do everything i fucking tell you too, huh?” jeno’s hand goes back to your hair, gripping your locks firmly. “such a good little slut for daddy,” he praises you. your bottom lip is caught between your teeth, biting down hard enough to draw blood. you look up at him wanting for him to do something so badly. jeno looks down at you slyly, smiling at you sickly. “you want my cock, baby?” he asks rhetorically, bobbing your head up and down for you. “yeah? huh? you want it?” he asks, making you nod your head again.. “p-please…” you whisper, looking up at him with teary eyes. jeno groans audibly, grip tightening on your hair. he jerks your head in the direction of his pants, squishing your face against his clothed boner. you whine, hands going to grip his legs to stabilize yourself.

“unzip em, now” he tells you. 

you nod, hands shakily moving to unzip him. jeno jerks you back by your hair again, and you yelp. he bends down slightly, getting close to your face. “use your fucking mouth” he says, unoccupied hand squishing your cheeks. he hallows them out, forcing your tongue to poke out. he stands back up to his full height, moving you back to in front of his bulge. you open your mouth teeth grazing the cold metal of his zipper. you grab the zipper with your teeth, pulling it down—unzipping him. 

“such a good slut for me,” jeno praises once you free his rock hard cock. “open.” he demands and you obey. lolling your tongue out of your wet mouth, waiting patiently for your treat. jeno strokes his dick a few times, thumbing the tip. he spreads his pre cum around, making your anticipation and need for him run wild. he leans forward, spitting into your open mouth.

“you ready for me?” he asks and you nod, mouth still hanging open.

he slaps the tip on your tongue, grinding against you a few times. low girthy groans leave his mouth, loving the wetness of your mouth. your arms are politely crossed behind your back, knowing you're not allowed to touch him unless he says so. 

“fuck, i missed this” he moans out, pushing deeper into your mouth. his tip is hitting the back of your throat making you gag but you couldn’t care less. jeno’s other hand goes to your hair, pushing further down your throat. you gargle around his length, choking on his size. jeno loves the sound of you choking, ego boosting a bit as it reminds him how big he is. he looks down at you, sweat dripping down his bare chest and forehead. hot tears roll down your face as you look back up at him. he fucks into your mouth a few more times, nearing his orgasm. you shut your eyes tightly, letting him abuse your throat roughly. “f-fuck—shit” he mumbles, biting his lip as he empties his load down your throat messily. a mixture of your salty tears, spit and cum drips down your mouth and chin. jeno bends down to look at you closer, eyeing the slick mixture of nastiness as it drips down. it all pools atop your cleavage but you were too busy trying to catch your breath to care. you gasp in and out, chest heaving. jeno smiles sickly. god he loved ruining you. 

“you’re so hot, i fucking love you” he whispers, crashing his lips onto yours. 

—

“hey! what took you so long?” jae greets you with open arms. 

you slightly smile, accepting his free hug. he holds the back of your head, his other hand rubbing your middle. you sigh out of sheer habit, you were a sucker for hugs like these. may or may not have to do with you liking to be dominated…but who cares? 

“mmm, my bad…ran into an old friend” you mumble into his chest. jaehyun just nods, still holding you. 

“alright fuckers, we’re hungry. let’s go!!” haechan yells from his seat in sungchan’s car. 

you and jae laugh, parting from each other. he opens the car door for you, and you accept happily. 

j: stop letting that fucking asshole touch you. 

you: why are you even watching us???

j: that’s how i hold you after im done rearranging your guts, he’ll never be me.

you roll your eyes at his jealous texts. the toxicity is real. 

you: what are you on about?

j: fuck jeong jaehyun that’s what. 

you: omg. bye jeno. 

j: don’t play with me, i’ll fuck you in front of him. 

you: is that a threat or a promise?

j: you into that ?? such a nasty little slut. 

you: your slut. now get off my phone, im with my friends. 

j: i love you

[ you liked this message ] 

—

“so~ what you been up too?” haechan asks you. you roll your eyes, biting the fry in your hand. 

you were seated in between haechan and jaehyun. the six of you guys occupied the booth in the back of the burger joint. it was just the four of you guys, but you guys ran into eric and sunwoo so haechan extended the invite. 

the more the merrier you guessed lol. 

“not much, i had practice yesterday…haven’t been there in awhile” you say, haechan nods in response. 

“ahh, fun. you like being back?” he asks with a full mouth of hamburger. you don’t even flinch at it, you guys are more than comfortable with each other. “i like it, I missed playing,” you respond.

you fiddle with the straw in your cup, you’re very full and kind of bored now. you watch everyone talk and chow down. haechan and sungchan are talking about some new girl on the cheer squad, sunwoo and jae are talking about god knows what. but eric…is looking at you. you hold eye contact with him, you wonder what he’s thinking. 

eric: can we talk? 

you look down at the text and look back up at eric. he nods at your phone, telling you to text back. 

you: …about?

eric: yk what yn…come on. pls?

you: idk eric…i don’t have anything to say.

eric: what? we almost kissed that night

eric: i gave you my sweater dude

eric: none of that meant anything? none of it? 

you: eric, i already told you…i like you as a friend. 

eric: you were gonna let me kiss you that night 

you: i know..and i shouldn’t have, i’m sorry

eric: i don’t want your sorry 

eric: i want you

eric: please, give me a chance yn

“can you take me home?” you whisper into jae’s ear. you clutch the bottom of his shirt tightly. 

“wha? are you ok?” he asks, too loud for your liking. you look at eric out of the side of your eye, he’s staring at the two of you. you were never good with confrontation, but in your defense you already shot him down. one time should be enough. 

“ok, babe let’s go.” he tells you, holding your hand. 

he guides you out the booth, helping you stand up. you clutch his hand tighter, just wanting to be home at this moment. “yoo, where are you guys going?” haechan slurs, obviously having had one too many beers. “i’m—” you cut him short. “s-say it’s because of you,” 

“i don’t feel too well, and she’s sleepy,” he lies with a pretty smile.

 you couldn’t have asked for better friends. 

eric looks like he’s about to say something but he doesn’t. he watches you quietly, walking away hand in hand with jaehyun. 

—

“so he made you feel uncomfortable?” kevin asks, fingers running through your strands. 

you nod, nuzzling your face into his lap, sleepiness overcoming your senses. “i know it’s kind of my fault—i shouldn’t have let him almost kiss me..” you confess. kevin hums in response, still rubbing your head. it was putting you to sleep, relaxation was inevitable due to his motions. 

“it was still a dick move though, i’m glad jae was there.” kevin says and you hum, agreeing with his statement. 

“so what’s up with you and lee?” he asks, figuring you would like a subject change. 

you shrug. 

“not sure, we’ve been fucking…a lot” you mumble, finger tracing the plaid pattern of his pajama pants. “—and he tells me he loves me, but i don’t know kev” you continue on. 

you didn’t want to ramble but you have lowkey been pondering on where the two of you will end up. especially since he’s been more open with his feelings and focusing on you more than he has ever before. there was just a tad bit of an issue.

!! lee jeno doesn’t date !!

duh! this has been the issue since the first time the two of you fucked, yet it feels different now…you can’t deny that. something deep down is telling you he’s going for a different approach but after what he pulled last time you’re not so sure. you don’t wanna be the dumb girl that continues to give your heart to the asshole that keeps breaking it. but then again, you’re a grown ass adult and can make your own grown ass decisions. who’s going to say something about it? 

—

“jeno, stop it!” you whined, kicking your legs like a child. 

you’ve been trying to do your homework for the past hour or so now and jeno keeps on bothering you. tickling, biting, licking, kissing, you name it, he’s done it. you’re splayed across his bed, laptop in sight but certainly not in use. jeno is standing in between your legs, looking down at you. 

“nooo, fuck your homework…cuddle with me” jeno whines. 

his hands trace your bare thighs, the pads of his fingertips tracing the faded hickeys and bite marks left by his mouth. you shiver at his cold touch.

“i dont think i’ve fucked you in this position” jeno whispers, gripping your waist as he bends down to be face to face with you. “um, yeah you did actually,” you tell him, mind dating back to that day he cuffed you and fucked you for not listening to him. you press your finger to his forehead, pushing his face away.

“i don’t remember…” he whispers, making his way up to your ear. “...i guess i’ll just have to do it again,” he says slyly, kissing your ear softly. 

jeno traces your skin with his nose, dragging it from your earlobe and down your neck slowly. he licks a stripe up your throat. you bite your lip, but you have to hold your own. 

“no jeno, not right now…later” you say, your voice betraying you. “you don’t sound so sure of yourself,” jeno laughs, pecking your cheek. “shut up, get off me” you roll your eyes, pushing at his chest knowing you can’t push him if your life depended on it. 

“gimme fifteen minutes, come on” he tells you, intertwining your fingers with his. 

“come on pretty…you know you want me too” he teases, grinding down on you with a sick smirk.

you did want him. when did you not? you roll your eyes at him, letting your head fall back onto the mattress. 

“good girl,” he snickers, kissing your nose. 

“yeah yeah, get on with it” you say. 

jeno falls to his knees, hands automatically grabbing your thighs. he hoists your open legs onto his shoulders. he eyes your panties, leaning forward to kiss your clothed heat. he looks up at you but your looking away. too embarrassed to watch right now. no matter how many times you guys fuck, you’re always shy. 

“look at me babygirl..” he says, voice muffled because his mouth is pressed against you. he pushes your panties to the side, tongue immediately going to tease your clit. you clutch the bedsheets under you, still refusing to look at him. jeno chuckles, arms wrapping tighter around your thighs. his hands squeeze your inner thighs, pinching the supple skin. jeno licks a stripe up your slit, moving his tongue in a circle atop your clit. you moan quietly, not too loud. 

He eyes you again, but you’re still looking away. he breathes out, teeth grazing your thighs. he bites down, sinking his teeth into your inner thigh. you jolt, sucking in a breath. 

“oh my god!” you shout, sitting up onto your elbows in a flash. “fucking listen to me” he says, licking over where he bit you to soothe the pain. a whine comes out your throat as you lay back down. jeno just laughs. 

“now…back to my meal,” he snickers. 

he continues to eat you out like a starved man. you learned your lesson, watching his every move. 

“fuck,” you stutter, struggling to keep your eyes open. jeno loves it. 

“keep em open, baby” he tells you in between licks to your heat. 

he sucks on your clit, middle and ring finger moving in and out of you quickly. your fingers dig into the sheets, gripping tightly to the fabric. you moan out loudly, thankful that the apartment is empty. 

“are you close?” jeno asks, and you nod furiously. 

he fastens his pace with his fingers, unattaching his mouth from you so he can get a good look at your face while you cum. a free hand goes up to squeeze your boobs, rolling your nipple in between his fingers. you let out a shaky moan as you feel that familiar fuzzy feeling in your gut. 

“i’m close–so close” you manage to say. 

jeno nods, licking his lips. he dips back down to your heat, sucking on your clit again. you arch your back at that, thighs squeezing against his face. jeno pushes your legs back open, a small grunt leaving his mouth as he does so. he twists his tongue every which way, getting you to your high. “f-fuck” is all you can mutter before you cum. 

jeno laps it all up. his saliva, your juices and release all mixed together making a slick mess. you push him away weakly, whining because your sensitive. jeno keeps eating though, not bothered by your weak attempt to get him to stop. 

“always so sweet,” he says with a toothy grin, wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

you don’t respond, just flipping him off. jeno rolls his eyes, grabbing your hand. he uses it to flip you over on your tummy. a small squeal of surprise leaves you, you weren’t expecting that. 

“you got your release, now i want mine” he tells you with a small smack to your ass. 

he climbs atop his bed, hands holding your hips. he pushes his clothed cock against your ass letting you feel how hard he is. you bite your lip in response. you were still sensitive. nonetheless you grind against him, rubbing your core against his boner. jeno lets out a low moan, pushing up against you too. you let your head fall against the mattress, hands laid flat against it to keep yourself upright. you swivel your hips, pushing harder against him. 

“fuck, im about to cum in my pants” jeno says and you laugh lightly.

jeno slips out of his sweats with a quickness, wanting to at least be in you for a few before he actually cums. he aligns himself with your hole, pushing all the way in. 

“a-ah, fuck” you say, looking back at jeno over your shoulder. 

“you’ve been taking my cock all week like a good girl, you don’t need to adjust anymore,” he says, pushing in and out of you at a quick pace. 

you can feel every vein on his cock, it’s making your head spin. he grips your hips, steadying himself as he drills you from the back. you squeeze your eyes shut, gripping the sheets under you tightly. you feel like you’re about to cum already. he fucks you fast and hard, his head thrown back girthy moans coming from his throat. sweat drips down his bare chest, a work of art he is. you were sure your hips were gonna bruise though as hard as he’s holding them. 

“always so fucking tight, i love it” jeno says, bending down to be right in your ear. 

he uses a hand to grip your thigh, pulling it forcing you to spread your legs wider. you yelp in surprise. his other hand presses to the small of your back, telling you to arch. 

“f-fuck, there you go–-good girl” he leaves a smack to your ass, fucking into you even harder. 

he’s no longer holding your hips. both his hands are holding the headboard, using it as leverage so he can drill you as hard as he wants. you let yourself go, not even bothering to say you were close. clenching down onto him as you release yourself. he moans at that, feeling the extra wetness. he doesn’t stop though, he keeps going. you feel your nerves going crazy, you were sensitive before but now you were extra sensitive. 

“i’m sensitive, jeno” you whine, using your hands to try and push his hips to make him stop. 

“move your fucking hands” he sneers. 

he grabs both your wrists, pinning them to your back. he continues to fuck you mercilessly. hot tears run down your face, pooling onto the bed sheets. he climbs up your body, making his way to your face. “cum for me, princess” he whispers to you. he kisses your face a couple of times. 

“come on, you can do it” he tells you. you shake your head vigorously. “i know you can do it baby,” he pressed a kiss to your cheek lovingly. 

it blows your mind how sweet he’s being. kissing on you while he fucks the shit out of you. backwards, but makes complete sense as far as lee jeno goes. you let go, that little knot in your tummy coming undone. jeno continues to push in and out of you, allowing you both to ride out your highs. you breathe heavily as you try to calm your nerves. you just came three times in a span of an hour. man he’s good. 

“you did so well,” jeno says as he presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“you’re not touching me for the next two weeks” you say, flicking his forehead. 

“now you know damn well,” jeno laughs, laying down next to you. 

—

“i wanna tattoo” jaehyun says. 

“woah, really? you’d look so hot” haechan says with a mouth full of food. 

“on everything, where do you want it?” you asked, sipping on the drink in front of you. 

you and the regulars were currently on a “once a month lunch date”. your very own friend holiday that you guys created to make sure you guys always stay in contact. today haechan and sungchan crashed you guys, but it’s fine. they’re basically your roommates too. 

“i’m thinking about the forearm” jae answers and you nod. 

“everytime you play everyone will be able to see it, good spot” kevin agrees. 

“do you know what you wanna get?” sungchan asks, jaehyun shakes his head no in response. 

“regular you already gets all the girls, now imagine when he’s tatted” sungchan jokes, you guys all laugh. “man, but i never see you with any” haechan says, looking at jae for answers. “kid you not, as long as we’ve been staying together he hasn’t brought one girl home—ever.” kevin says and you nod. “i can second that statement” you agree with kevin.

jaehyun rolls his eyes in response. “you guys are so embarrassing” he groans, toying with the food on his plate. “it’s true!” you and kevin say in unison. “kev brings home a new girl every week,” you start. “yeah, and yn used to bring jeno over everyday” kevin jokes. “haha, so funny kev. it was not everyday.” you give him a dirty look. “oh please, the man was practically living there,” he follows up. “oh my god, it was like…once or twice a week!” you defend yourself. jaehyun shakes his head with a laugh. 

“it was like everyday…” jae says, scratching the back of his head. 

“fucking traitor,” you mumble with a pout. 

“speaking of jeno…” kevin starts. 

“conversation over.” you shut him down right away. 

“come on, let’s talk about your potential baby daddy,” haechan teases. 

you roll your eyes in response to their teasing. 

“damn, no rubber? you’re wild yn” sungchan says with a laugh. 

“plastic is bad for the environment, you should be thanking me” you joke. 

the table erupts in laughter at your joke. 

“get the bill so we can get the hell out of here” 

—

you and jeno were cuddled up on the couch, flicking through selections on the TV. you were stuffing your face with the popcorn while he tried to find an anime you guys haven’t watched. 

“what about death note?” he asks. 

“love it, but i just rewatched it” you respond. 

“anohana?” “menma is kinda annoying,” “boruto?” “nah, the manga is better,” “full metal alchemist?” “i’m sleep already,” “oh my god. what about jojo’s?” “character design is trash as fuck, hard pass.” “I GIVE UP” jeno says. 

you look up at him like he’s crazy. 

“the hell is your problem?” you say with a mouth full of popcorn. 

“you’re so picky!” jeno sneers, handing you the remote. 

“next time i give you head i’m gonna bite the tip” you say, snatching the remote from him.  

“shut the hell up,” he laughs, wrapping an arm around you and leaning his head on your shoulder. 

“ew get off me, i’m mad at you” you tell him, jabbing your elbow into his middle. 

“just find something baby, damn” he whines, holding your arm in place so you don’t hit him. 

“the holy grail itself,” you say with a wide smile. 

“this? this is what you chose?” he says with a look of disgust. 

“i don’t take cowboy bebop slander, you can shut the fuck up” you say, waving your finger in his face dramatically. “you chose this over all those other choices? really?” his mouth is agape.

“you must’ve never seen this one,” you retort. “hell no, it’s old as fuck!” jeno laughs.”shut up and watch it, you’re gonna love it” you press play on the first episode. 

—

“someone’s been living the good life, huh?” yuta says with a smirk. 

jeno looks back at him confused. 

“huh?” yuta shakes his head, turning him around in the mirror. 

the red scratch marks and bite marks decorated all over his backside. yuta laughs, patting his shoulder. “i’m tryna get like you” sungchan laughs, joining in on the conversation. 

“different girls?” yuta asks and jeno shakes his head no with a disgusted expression. 

“haven’t so much as looked at another girl since i got mines,” he tells yuta, pulling his jersey over his body. 

yuta nods with an impressed expression. 

“so…we’re all thinking about the same girl, aren’t we” haechan says and all the boys start laughing. 

“tell yn we said cut her nails” yuta jokes, slapping the back of jeno’s head before he makes his way out. 

“go figure, look who’s calling me” sungchan laughs, turning his phone so everyone can see. 

jeno sits down on the bench slipping his cleats on. 

“what’s up babygirl” sungchan says when the call connects. 

he laughs at jeno’s glare. 

“wait what? slow down,” sungchan tell you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

jeno perks up at his serious tone. he motions to his ear, sungchan tosses him his airpod case. 

“i don’t know, i just—can you come here, please?” you say, voice shaky. 

you sounded scared but jeno didn’t know why. he needed to know. 

“where is she at?” jeno mouthed and sungchan nodded. 

“where are you at, baby? send me your location, i’ll come get you” he says and you nod, doing as you were told. “okay, i sent it” you sniffled. jeno was losing his damn mind. why didn’t you call him? 

“don’t tell jeno, please…” you say, and sungchan looks up at him. 

jeno shakes his head no. 

“babe…i have to tell him,” he tells you. 

“no! please don’t, please chan…i’m begging you” you plead and sungchan nods. 

“ok, i won’t. i’m coming right now, don’t go anywhere.” he tells you and you shake your head yes. 

“ok, thank you…love you” you say before you hang up. 

“let’s go, now.” jeno says, grabbing his keys. 

—

“i told you not to tell him, sungchan!” you said, stomping your foot. 

you and sungchan were standing a few feet away from a pacing jeno. not super far but just out of earshot. 

“i couldn’t not tell him yn! he was right there when you called me,” sungchan said, defending himself. you groan, hands flying to your face. you sink down to the ground, shaking your head back and forth. sungchan rolls his eyes at your dramatic actions. he crouches down to be at your level, joining you on the floor. 

“he’s gonna fucking kill me” you mutter, squeezing your eyes shut. “come on, it can’t be that bad” sungchan tells you, rubbing your back. “i came here with eric!” you whisper shouted, looking back to see if jeno heard you. “oh….yeah you’re dead” sungchan says, scratching the back of his head with a sheepish smile. 

“come here yn,” jeno says. 

you swallow harshly, standing to your feet. you stuff your shaky hands into your sweater pockets. shuffling towards where jeno stands, your eyes watch the gravel under your sneakers. once you're in arms length, he grabs your forearm, tugging you towards the back seat. he opens the door aggressively, jerking his chin forward telling you to climb in. you do so, sitting in the middle seat. you fold your hands and rest them on your thighs. jeno tosses sungchan the keys before he climbs into the back seat. 

—

the air is thick. awkward and super quiet. even though there’s music playing it still seems super quiet. you look over at jeno. he’s staring out the window, jaw clenched tightly. even the grip he has on your thigh is strong. 

“j-jeno?” you whisper. 

he doesn’t respond, he just turns to look at you. 

“if you’re not gonna tell me why you were here, i don’t wanna hear shit from your mouth” he sneers. you flinch, his words hurt you. he’s never talked to you like that before. 

“i-i was here with someone…but something came up! i j-just needed a ride home” you lie, believably so at that. jeno wasn’t buying it though. he knows you too well. 

“you’re lying. don’t fucking lie to me, yn” jeno says, he raises his eyebrows at you. 

his serious expression made your stomach churn. 

“i was here with eric…” you admit. 

“i knew it! i fucking knew it—dammit!” jeno yells, fists flying full force to punch the passenger seat in front of him. 

“why? why were you with that son of a bitch?” he asks you, rage evident in his voice. 

you hiccup, trying to calm yourself down and steady your nerves. you scoot back from him, sliding into the seat on your left hand side. 

“it wasn’t anything like that! he wanted to talk, and that’s all we did…” you started. jeno rolls his neck from side to side. jaw still clenched as he stretches his muscles. “he didn’t like my answer to him, so he kicked me out of his car and left me there” you shrugged. 

“he did what?!” sungchan and jeno shouted at the same time. 

“this is why i didn’t want to say anything!” you whined, hitting your head on the back of sungchan’s seat groaning. 

“sungchan take me home, please” you say to your friend. he nods, picking up his phone to type your address in. 

“you don’t wanna come home with me?” jeno asks and you shake your head. 

“i think we both need some time alone,” you tell jeno. “fuck that, i wanna be with you.” he tells you. “did you not see how you just reacted?! you need to blow some steam off, away from me” you shake your head, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“whatever yn,” jeno scoffs. 

“fucking kids” sungchan laughs, continuing to drive. 

—

“ow! stop, i’m sorry!” kevin cried as you pinched his ear. jeno and the other boys watched in amusement as you inflicted pain on the boy. “twist it!” haechan yelled out with a laugh. sungchan giggled, slapping haechan’s arm as he snorted loudly. 

“are you gonna do it again?” you ask tauntingly, kevin nods vigorously. “no, i swear to fucking god–just stop” kevin cries out, and you let him go. he pouts, hand flying to rub his throbbing ear. 

“and fuck you, haechan!” kevin sneers, chucking a pillow in his direction. 

you laugh as you make your way over to jeno. you climb onto his lap, making yourself comfortable on his lap. you snuggle into him, his hands wrapping around you. 

“you’re a little bitch,” jeno whispers, kissing your face. “mhm, what are you gonna do about it?” you stick your tongue out at him. he shakes his head, pinching your thigh. you whine, pushing his hand away. “yeah, that’s what i thought, don’t act tough with me” jeno says and you giggle, nodding your head. 

“haechan would be a really good name for y’all kid” hae says, tossing a pillow at the two of you. jeno catches it, throwing it back his way. “i don’t know why the fuck you thought our pitcher wouldn’t catch that” sungchan deadpans. 

"can you like shut the hell up? i like you better when you're not talking" haechan says, flinching at the taller boy.

“fuck no, kevin is a way better name!” kevin shouted, slapping the back of haechan’s head. “all i know is…i wanna be the godparent,” sungchan says with a wide smile. 

—

prev | part iii | next

taglist [ 1 ] :: @vantxx95 @travelleratheart1011 @underjeno @bockhyun @jaeymark @ggukkyu @cuteejeno @gaeulswrld @aliceinwhateverland @punnshine @4-eternity @kkakkdugi @tokyosmind @roseymerrie @oohyansi @melaninjhs @curieouscapt  @svtrny​ @youryuno​ @jenyongcas​ ​ @pewpewpwe00​​ 

taglist [ 2 ] :: @produmads @slumpdumppy @tsuw4n @nctflix @daegalfangirl (ily<3) @bebskyy @yutatojii @hubneo @kaslululi @nctqen @sadgirlroo @maliakealoha @megumiiichanie @jeonjona @jaehyuniewifeu @ggukkyu @jeongyunoenjoyer @sheila9747e @jenyongcas

if i missed you pls let me know !! there was a lot of ppl that wanted to be added, so i might've missed a few.

[problematicfavesareproblematic]

NSFW Alphabet- Joe Toye

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

 Ok, so here’s the 411- Joe gives it his all when y’all are fucking. He’s flipping you around into different positions, he’s gripping whatever part of your body he can get his hands so he can reach deeper faster harder better, Joe is fully prepared to do all the work. 

That being said, the boy’s EXHAUSTED by the time he’s done with you. You’re lucky if he doesn’t collapse on you in a sweaty, sleepy mess. But after he’s had a second to regroup and rally- he’s totally down for some pillow talk. 

WARNING: it’s going to be in that sexy husky voice of his, which means round two is imminent.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

 Ok, so our Joe’s hot. Like, really hot. He is fully aware of how good he looks- sometimes to the point of arrogance. If he had to pick just one part of himself, it’d probably be his arms. He likes knowing that he can always fight his way out of a sticky situation, but what he really likes is how your hands feel when they clutch at his biceps while getting sexy. (He also really gets soft when you run your fingers up and down his arms/forearms while sitting around and talking with the guys shh shh shh)

On you? Your hands- this boy never thought of hands being sexy until he watched yours dance across a map while discussing plans of action. His eyes followed their motions like a moth follows a flame- and when they touched HIS HAND for the first time? Boner city. Population: this guy.

 C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

MESSY BOY. OH MY GOD.

He’s BIG into marking you, and if you gave him the ok (he always checks first) he’d gladly paint you in it (he gets very caveman when it comes to marking you as his ffs what a horndog). 

But if you aren’t into that? Not a problem. Simply seeing his cum on your hands (which we’ve established he’s super into) is enough for him. Inside of you works too, FYI. He’s very accommodating.

 D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

 He once secretly got off in class while watching you disassemble and reassemble your rifle. Your fingers moved so fast and confidently that he couldn’t help but wonder what ~other~ confident things they could do (his mind instantly pictured you fingering yourself and he’s only a little bit sorry about how depraved he is). He’d kneaded the heel of his hand against his cock under the table and to this day he has no idea how he wasn’t caught.

 E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Experienced is a good way to describe Joe, bc in cruder company he’d be called a fuckboy. He’s had more partners than the average Joe (lol sorry) but not nearly as many as someone like Tab or Nix or Liebgott have had. He just lived a full-ass life and, due to him being a stud, he’s never been wanting for company.

 F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

 Anything with him on top is his comfort zone. He likes feeling in control, and he really likes being able to see how good he’s making you feel. 

Bonus points if he can grip your neck a lil bit.

 G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

 Joe is goofy in the sense that he likes to tease you, maybe antagonize you a lil. He knows that you get off on it- that you like when he points out how good he’s making you feel, or lightly chastising you for how quickly you’re going to cum. He doesn’t mean it, and if you were ever to tell him to back off he’d be totally down.

 H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

 Dark, curly, trimmed but not ~groomed~, you know?

 I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

 Personally, He seeks to establish intimacy during the afterglow, curling around you once the sweat has cooled and your breathing has evened out. Face touches, greedy but sweet kisses? Joe Toye’s your guy.

HOWEVER!: If he thinks you could use some during the act, he’s game. If you ask for it? HE’S WHATEVER MORE THAN BEING GAME IS. Get over here, hot stuff.

 J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

 He does it whenever he feels the urge. It’s not a huge deal for him. 

He’d prefer sex with you obviously, but if you’re not feeling it or it’s not a good time then he’ll take care of himself. In a perfect world, you could both do some mutual masturbation. He absolutely thinks of you while he does it, tho.

 K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

 Choking kink. Wow wow wow. Nothing extreme- he doesn’t feel comfortable cutting off your airflow or anything, but a hand around the throat certainly adds a nice primitiveness to the experience. 

If you choke him, however: different story.

Joe finds that EXTREMELY hot. Oh my God. It plays into his weird obsession with your hands/touch. It reminds him that you’re just as into him as he is with you, and he is a big fan of you getting a lil rough with him now and again. 

Pin him down by his throat as you ride him? He’s done for.

 L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

 Any time, anywhere- as long as he can be sure that you won’t be interrupted. There are exceptions to this (see Risk). 

 M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

 Little touches from you can really get him going. Lacing your fingers with his as you both ride in a truck from location to location. Your eyes finding his as you talk business with someone else. The gentle scratch of your fingernails through the shorter hairs at the base of his skull. You also get a certain look in your eyes when you’re feeling frisky, and the moment he sees that, sexy with you is all that he can think about.

 N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

 Doing anything to you that leaves more than a bruise. Hickeys? Awesome. Speckles of bruises on your hips from where his fingertips dug into your skin a bit too hard? Hot.

Deep shadows around your throat left behind from him holding you a little too hard? NO NO NOPE THAT’S NOT OKAY.

It reminds him too much of violence, of someone trying to escape the touch of another and being denied freedom. Once, a German soldier had tried to choke you out so you wouldn’t alert anyone of his presence and Joe. Fucking. Lost it. His brass knuckles were nearly fused to his skin by the time Joe was done with them.

Tl;dr- deep marks on his girl? He’ll kick someone's ass. He’ll kick my ass. He’ll kick his own ass

 O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

 He’s a fan of both! When he’s going down on you, he’s all about results- what will get you off the quickest and hardest. Overstimulation King (but in a good way).

When you go down on him and make a point to draw the process out as long as you possibly can, he just about cries with need. He’ll beg you to give him more so he can finally cum, but secretly he’s hoping that you’ll keep edging him bc dear god you’re so beautiful and evil and wow your nails scratching down his stomach feels good.

 P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

 FAST. Like I said before, he’s all for getting you off quick and hard. He likes the feeling of his muscles trembling with exhaustion as he pistons into you with ruthless speed, likes the way it makes your body shake and bounce and sheen with sweat. He really likes being able to just fall asleep with you afterwards, so his goal is to tire out the both of you.

 Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

 Ok, so here’s the thing- before you, most of his sexual history could be considered quickies. He didn’t like the idea of lingering too long after doing the do, so a quick fuck in the closet of a bar was his bread and butter. Remember: the quicker the better.

But since you, he’s decided that he’s good with both quickies and...slowies(?). If he’s feeling frisky while you both are out or just about to go out or in any sort of time crunch, he lets you know by coming up to stand behind you and wrapping his arms around your torso, gently pulling you back until you can feel his hardening cock against your backside. 

If you rest one of your hands on his forearm and squeeze it- then you’re not feeling it rn and he backs off (or excuses himself to take care of it bc he’s practical like that). If you lean back into him or turn your head to the side so he can kiss your cheek- it’s go time. Meet him in the bathroom, bc someone’s about to get their world rocked.

 R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

 JOe is fine with public sex as long as he knows/can predict who or what could possibly figure out what the two of you are doing. And even then, it’s going to be sneaky. You sitting on his lap with his dick in your pussy? Nice. pretending to lean over and whisper something to you while sitting at a booth (but actually fingering you? Dope.

He’ll basically go as far as you let him, but his big thing is not letting the two of you get caught by someone who will hold it over your ehad. Do’t fuck with his girl.

 S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

 Two and a half rounds- he always starts with getting you off with his hands, thigh, tongue (that’s the half round), then he cranks out the next two fast and unwaveringly. Ideally, the outcome for him is two orgasms for him and three for you. Bonus points if he can wring four out of you, but he’s not going to push it.

 T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

 Probably didn’t own any of his own, but if you have a vibrator or something he’ll definitely use it on you. Would probably consider letting you use it on him, but only once he’s used it on you a couple times.

 U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

 Not very much in terms of edging teasing, but verbally he can be very antagonistic. 

 V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

 Loud and proud, but tries to keep the sounds in for as long as he can. You can always tell when he’s close by how vocal he’ll become. Huge whiner whenever you suck his cock or give him a handjob, bc you are so perfect and wicked that it literally overwhelms him.

 W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

 Has at least one copy of the Kama Sutra. Bill gave it to him as a joke gift but Joe absolutely uses it for inspiration.

 X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

 Average length but girthy. He’s pretty proud of it. 

 Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

 Pretty high, but something he can control. He knows it’s unrealistic to be able to fuck you whenever he wants (bc otherwise, you’d never leave his bed), so he’s able to channel that desire into anticipation for the next time he gets the chance to fuck you.

 Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

 SO FAST, OH MY GOD. But he doesn’t sleep long- it’s more like a power nap and then he wakes up and helps you clean up/cleans you up himself and then gets cuddly. Then he sleeps again. What a nerd.

~ ~ ~

taglist: @sunsetmando​ @ricksmorty @now-im-a-belieber​ @tvserie-s-world​ @holdingforgeneralhugs​ @mrseasycompany​ @itswormtrain​ @mrsalwayswrite​ @happyveday​ 

[all-or-nothing-baby]

GUESS WHAT?

I'M TRANS, BABY!

if anybody is interested in me waffling on about it, you can read more below the cut :)

otherwise, i'm still cassidy, still any pronoun you like bc i just really don't care and WISHING EVERYBODY A VERY HAPPY PRIDE! 🌈🌈 🌈

so, i've known forever that i'm a boy/man but have always vehemently stuck my fingers in my ears/head in the sand, as i think a lot of trans folx do—especially those of a certain age. i'm 40 and was born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s, and things really were very different back then.

i've also always known i was queer. my first kiss was with a girl—as were the next few— and i thought (even though i'd always felt i was a boy, like my brothers) that seeing as i was in appearance "a girl", that meant i must be a lesbian. then i realised i liked boys, too. so... bisexual? then i met a (closeted) trans person and fell for them. so... i started identifying as pansexual, which felt right for me.

then, at 17, i was in a relationship with a straight guy and fell pregnant...

at this stage, i started hiding all my queer tenancies, believing that i had to be a woman to be a mother. i didn't really have queer friends (i'd met the trans person through work) and wasn't on the queer scene, so was pretty naive about things.

so i threw myself into being the girlyest girl: through make-up, fashion, studying girls behaviour/mannerisms etc and copying them (which i'd always done to some extent).

this lasted through two more relationships, the latter of which gave me another child. only after this relationship broke down (6 years ago) did i let myself to begin figuring out who i was. i didn't have to pretend for anybody else's sake anymore, which had been SO exhausting (i totally think it contributed to the breakdown i had at the end of that last relationship. pretending to be somebody else [even when you're alone!] for literally years upon years, is the most draining thing e v e r).

slowly, i allowed myself to just be me. i came out 2 years ago as nonbinary on here and to my friends and some of my close family, to mostly kind and understanding reactions—which i know, sadly, certainly isn't every queer person's experience. i know just how incredibly lucky i am for that.

and, really, it's just grown from there. more thoughts and memories of the way i was/felt as a very young child have been returning, things i'd pushed down and just not allowed myself to feel or think about for all these years.

i started reading articles and watching YouTube videos of trans people's stories, people's instagram pics of their transitions... and finally allowed myself to remember who i am.

i'm cassidy and i'm a trans man :))

i've only come out to 2 my wonderful friends here on dumblr™, which was actually a while ago (you guys know who you are and how much ily) and two people in meatspace, very recently: another dear friend, and my mum; both of which were just fucking awesome and both their burning questions were "ooh, what are you going to change your name to?" lol.

thing is, i don't even know if i'll ever come out fully or transition, let alone change my name. it's so early tree me to know anything rn other than I'M TRANS. one thing i keep coming back to when i think about transitioning etc is "how can i rob my kids of a mother?". the idea of living as a man is SO incredibly new to me, that i don't really have any answers yet.

but i also know i don't need to have answers yet—i'm still busy asking myself all the questions!

the one thing i do know though, is how incredible all of you here are. and that's why i wanted to share this with you guys. you are the bestest of friends and closest of confidantes and the most friendly and accommodating bunch of absolutely wonderful misfits anybody could wish for.

so, if you've read this far *standing ovation*

and HAPPY FUCKING PRIDE!!! 🌈 ily all! ❤️

[johnsamericano]

Hey, can i request for husband!doyoung fingering his pregnant wife in the bathtub? Please make it romantic and so full of love (lots of touching, sucking, groping, loving gaze) 😔😔 and also with the wife being needy(whines, moans etc). Thank you and I really really love your writing!

I’m so soft rn, I just want to marry Doyoung 😔 hope you like it

“Doyoung!” He rushed to your shared bedroom.

“What’s going on?” He asked worriedly, afraid something bad might’ve happened.

“Look.” You whispered with a big smile, pointing at your big uncovered belly.

Your baby bump moved the slightest as the creature inside it moved.

“Jesus, you scared the hell out of me.” He sighed before climbing up the bed to lay down beside you, his arm supporting his head.

His big hand rubbed circles over your skin, whispering nothing but loving words to your baby girl.

“I can’t wait to meet you.”

“Only two more months.” His lips pecked the side of your head, moving his hand up to cup your cheeks and accidentally grazing your nipples. “A-ah.”

You didn’t like wearing bras around the house, they felt too restraining, specially since your boobs had been growing significantly.

“What is it?” He furrowed his eyebrows, eyeing your body. His eyes stopped at your now hard buds. “Oh.” He tried to place his hands there once again before you slapped it away. “Y/n, we’ve talked about this. Having sex won’t do any harm to our baby.”

“But what if it does? I don’t want to take any chances.” You pecked his cute pout. “I’m gonna take a bath, feel free to join me but no funny business, okay?” Doyoung sighed before nodding, following you closely behind all the way to the bathroom.

You let him take off your clothes while the water starts filling up the tub.

Doyoung found it extremely hard to keep his thoughts to himself with your beautiful body right in front of his hungry eyes.

“Careful.” He helped you inside, letting you sit on his lap as the warm water welcomed your body. “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.” You let your head rest on his shoulder. “God my back’s been killing me lately.”

“I read that orgasms during pregnancy are great to take your pains away. You’ll sleep better too, I know you’ve been having trouble to fall asleep lately.” His hand rubbed your inner thigh. Just as you were about to protest, his lips found their way to your neck. “Just let me make you feel good, I’m sure my fingers won’t hurt the baby.”

“B-but-”

“Please?” You turned your head to look at his pleading eyes. “You deserve it, baby.” His hand moved further down, meeting your sensitive lips.

“Okay.” You simply reply, letting his fingers wander around your cunt.

“You look beautiful.” He kissed your cheek repeatedly, his free hand moving up to your chest. He caressed your sensitive nipple with his thumb, smiling as small sighs escaped your mouth. “Look at you, I’ve barely touched you.”

“M-more, please.” He stopped teasing your slit, slipping two fingers into your heat.

It wasn’t long until he found that spot that had your eyes rolling to the back of your head, after all, he knew your body like the back of his hand.

“I missed your pretty sounds.” He whispered as you closed your eyes, your mind foggy from the overwhelming pleasure your husband was giving you.

“Doie.” You whined. “I’m close.”

“Already?” He teased, nuzzling the soft skin of your neck. “Let go, baby.” His hand abandoned your breast, placing it on top of your big belly instead.

You turned into a moaning mess as a big wave of pleasure took over your body. In the past few months you’d forgotten what an orgasm felt like, but Doyoung made sure you wouldn’t ever forget that blissful sensation ever again.

“Was it nice?” He asked, smiling at your tired face.

You nodded, too exhausted to say anything. You cuddle into his arms, listening to his slow heartbeat.

“I love you.” You had already fallen asleep, your thick eyelashes casting shadows on your cheeks. “And I love you too, baby girl.” He repeated in a baby voice as he fondly caressed your baby bump.

[angeltrapz]

helo beloved mutual connor, im sorry ur goin thru it rn but i come bearing asks n a heart emoji (💗): bcuz i have had this thought floatin around for a lil bit, wld love 2 hear ur takes on an Adam/Eric/Mallick (+ Art too if u want!) road trip vacation! how long wld they go, do they get motels or camp or just sleep in th car? whats everyone's favorite road trip snack? what sorta shit do they like 2 stop for? (weird tourist traps like giant balls of yarn etc, small town main street stores, cool looking restaurants, nature sites, Actual Destinations, so on n so forth!)

fjkdsd thank u beloved mutual adam,,, <3

ohhh I love tht idea!! road trip fics/hcs are one of my weaknesses,,

but um!! I rly like the idea of th four of them going camping a few hours up north!! (we... don't rly know where. SAW is set so just. imagine a vaguely rural campground lmao. I'm used to camping in th upper peninsula of MI so) it's smth tht Art did a lot w his family when he was growing up, so he's th most familiar w it - Eric went a few times as a kid too, Mallick went Once, n Adam has never rly been camping, w his family or otherwise (he's slept on a trampoline at one of his friends' houses once tho). Art is p excited abt it tbh, it's not exactly smth he gets 2 do often so he's got this whole list planned of things he wants 2 show them!!

it's easiest 2 just take a week in late August, bc they can head back home on a Friday n have the weekend to settle n readjust b4 th coming week + they have to go back 2 work. so they head out around ten on a Monday morning 2 kind of get ahead of th traffic (or at least try to). Art drives both bc he insists and bc he knows they can switch if he needs to, which he does later w Eric. it's a good couple hours (at least 3) b4 they get 2 th campground Art wants to take them to, so clearly it is Music Time + Adam made sure 2 bring CDs! a lot of that time is just spent vibing 2 th music and singing very, very loudly (ESP on Adam + Mallick's end). Art's up front like u three are so fucking goofy (affectionate), but eventually he starts singing too lmao.

Mallick starts th Colour Game, where they try 2 find a car fr every colour of th rainbow. it's smth Eric is familiar w as well bc he used 2 play it w Daniel sometimes, and it's good until they come to purple bc how often do u see purple cars??? so Adam's just like "we're not gonna find pink either" n tht's when this fucking pink pickup truck (noticeably spray-painted, + not done well) passes them n Adam just groans n thumps his head against th window. Mallick is like, trying rly hard not to laugh by pressing a hand over his mouth + Art is biting his lip, but Eric is very openly cackling bc "u see what happens when u assume???" (he gets a very light slap 2 th shoulder but it's still very gentle)

ANYWAY. favourite snacks!! Adam can eat Way Too Many Sour Patch Kids. sour anything, actually, as long as it's candy. yes his tongue hurts and no he doesn't regret it. Eric just gets goldfish bc he tends 2 get a lil carsick + bc it's a food tht's familiar n comforting, n he doesn't rly want 2 be eating anything Too heavy (he's up front w Art, so he can sit by a window in case he needs some fresh air at any point). Mallick likes m&m's, but he switches fr cheez-its every once in a while bc he can only eat so much chocolate. Art likes those peanut-butter filled pretzel bites! he's also partial 2 animal crackers tho. they also bring a good amount of snacks/things they can b sure th four of them like, bc yeah there's a lil store abt a half hour away frm their campsite + they can go there to pick up things if they need 2, but it's easier 2 bring things they like, too. (there's also a mcdonald's in tht town n. they do go there at LEAST twice.)

th campsite they stay at has a lake + a beach, n one of Art + Adam's fave things 2 do is walk along it to see if they can find anything interesting! Mallick goes sometimes too, but mostly he stays w Eric bc Eric can't do tht fr as long as Adam + Art can (not tht he's resentful of it tho). he n Mallick chill on th beach w a blanket (it's kind of like. not necessarily sandy?) n just kinda sit against/lay on each other n read sometimes. Adam + Art come back 2 where they're set up to find them sleeping n Adam has never been more thankful he thought 2 bring his camera!!

on th second day Art + Mallick want 2 go swimming, so th four of them come back out to th beach, but Adam stays out of th water + Eric stays w him. they both know th water will be cold, even if it's late summer, n Adam rly doesn't like being in cold water ESP if it's over his head/he can't touch th bottom. fr Eric th cold can b kind of painful, so they chill n walk along th beach fr a little bit n just talk. Adam gets some good pictures n even gets some of Eric! he also does take a selfie of them, he can't help it. he gets a couple of Mallick + Art too. it's honestly such a nice thing fr them n it just feels like they can breathe easy, not having 2 worry abt looking over their shoulders constantly (tho they're all getting better abt that).

th third day they spend around th campsite to kind of unwind n relax. they might walk th beach a little bit again, but mostly they just sorta chill n walk some of th trails around the campground itself. when night falls they light a small bonfire (Mallick is still iffy around fire, understandably) n they sit around it in their folding chairs w th cupholders (Adam gets red, Eric has green, Art gets blue, + Mallick gets dark green) n make s'mores. they talk abt anything n everything until they're barely able 2 keep their eyes open, n then after making sure th fire is pretty much out they kinda just stumble into th tent n none of them r awake for very long after (they specifically got one tht cld comfortably hold th four of them).

fourth day!! they pack up n head into another little town about 45 minutes away; it's bigger than th one around th campgrounds. after they get situated in a motel room w two beds, they do some window shopping + going into lil stores that interest them! Adam def buys some niche graphic tees tht aren't going 2 make sense to anyone other than th four of them n he's delighted abt it. I like 2 think Eric gets a worry stone, specifically made out of rose quartz. Mallick too, but his is made of amethyst! he also gets a rly cool multicoloured jacket in a thrift store they duck into. Art gets a hoodie w th town's name on it n he's pretty happy w that. they get a few more lil things, just little knick-knacks while they're there, n then they have dinner in this lil diner they'd walked past earlier bc it's inexpensive + the atmosphere is very lowkey n honestly just Nice. there's not a bunch of ppl, the servers r rly kind n the lights aren't too bright, which Eric rly appreciates. it's such a tender moment bc they're squeezed into a booth, Adam + Mallick on one side n Art + Eric on th other, n they're talking n laughing n stealing bites of each other's food n it's Comfortable.

then they head back to th motel n channel surf while unpacking enough 2 get to their sleep clothes. Adam + Eric r sharing a bed n Art + Mallick r sharing th other one, tho Adam is very tempted 2 just push them together so they're all close by (th distance btwn th beds isn't tht big to begin with, but it's the principle of th thing). mostly tho, until they go to bed, they're pretty much just all stretched out Everywhere. Adam is only discouraged frm jumping across th divide btwn th beds bc Art breaks out his Lawyer Voice, despite trying rly hard not to laugh, to say Yr Going To Hurt Yrself, Don't Do That. he grumbles n whines abt it but Adam knows he's right jdhjks (th way he sees it is like. he can b silly sometimes. he's Earned It, but he also trusts Art + wasn't super serious abt tht idea). eventually tho Eric can hardly keep his eyes open n Mallick is just straight up asleep while he's still sitting up so tht's when they all go to bed after making sure every1 is comfortable. they leave a lamp on.

fifth day they pack everything up again n stop 2 walk th trails of this lil park b4 they head home! there's a lil shop near th parking lot so they spend a lil bit of time looking around in there first. they probably pick up a few lil things, souvenirs, n Adam walks around 2 get some pictures. he gets this rly cool one while they're on a bridge, th sun peeking thru the clouds a lil bit n shining down on th water. he's super excited to develop tht one (but he's excited to develop All of them, bc this is his family!!!) + he n Art discuss whether or not they're gonna need another cork board lol. eventually tho they round back to th parking lot n on th way home, they stop at another lil hole-in-th-wall kind of place, but it's just as nice as the first one they'd been to. after tht Eric switches spots w Art n he drives them home!!

they're all exhausted when they get back but they have room to crash w each other while they nap so tht's what they do. they fall asleep all tangled together, Art stretched out w Eric's head on his chest, Adam curled against Eric's back, n Mallick w his head on Art's stomach. there r arms n legs everywhere n tht is okay. they're happy. they love each other. they had a lot of fun on their trip n they're tired, but they're comfortable!! tht's what it's all abt!!! it's just such a good n relaxing experience fr them after all th shit they've been thru.

[jiminshoney]

Where You Belong (Part 3)

Word Count: 10,773

Warnings: language, cheating, brief mentions of black mirror’s black museum episode (spoiler ig if you haven't seen it?), a cliffhanger, and angst but you knew that

[ tumblrs a jack*ss and links are broken, pls check my blog to catch up on the first three parts ]

Your body betrays you by waking you up agonizingly early, before your alarm has rung and before the sun has even had a chance to rise. The glaring numbers on your phone reveal that it’s barely 5 AM. You groan into the cushions beneath you, frustrated because you have to be at work in three hours and you were just robbed of a potentially meaningful last hour of sleep.

Opening a single eye to look back at the device’s bright screen, you can’t ignore the top notifications which continue to blink and beg for your attention. 15 missed calls and a somewhat impressive 28 unread texts all from Jungkook. It’s more than he sent in the month alone.

Your first thought is to ignore them, you want to ignore him, it’s too early to even think about processing what he has to say or replaying last night’s events. A sharp pain spreads through your chest, stretching until it meets your rib cage where there lies an almost forgotten void. There’s always those few seconds the morning after something terrible has happened, a moment of ignorant bliss, until your mind and heart remember and everything hurts again. The ache reminds you why last night went the way it did.

You don’t know that you can handle whatever he has to say, though you are curious...

Curious if someone who’s still in love and terrified of losing their girlfriend sends 28 texts and calls 15 times. Is that what it meant? Was he scared, desperate, remorseful? Or did he only offer a pathetic apology in twenty-something streams of the word sorry?

Driven by curiosity, you press a thumb to unlock your phone and open all the unread messages from last night.

From: jungkook♥ [5:19 PM]

Y/N

Can we please talk about this?

can you jus t come back please??

From: jungkook♥ [5:21 PM]

hello?

Y/N please answer

From: jungkook♥ [5:22 PM]

please pplease please

From: jungkook♥ [5:27 PM]

Where did you go

????

Im outside just tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:30 PM]

If not can tou answer?

Please answer the phone

From: jungkook♥ [5:32 PM]

fuck

Hello? Where did you go

Tell me where you are

From: jungkook♥ [5:33 PM]

Its fine if you decide to hate me for the rest of your life btu let me talk to yo about this first

Just give me a chance to explain everything

I mean there is no excuse but i wanna talk about this

From: jungkook♥ [5:35 PM]

pick up!!

From: jungkook♥ [5:37 PM]

I am begging you rn justsay something

Im outside, Please?

From: jungkook♥ [5:40 PM]

If its too soon i get it just  let me see you for a second

If its too soon just tell me

but atleast tell m where you are?

From: jungkook♥ [5:45 PM]

Do you want the apartment? I’ll leave nd get a hotel

From: jungkook♥ [5:50 PM]

???

ffs just let me know you’re safe ok?

Please thats it

From: jungkook♥ [9:36 PM]

I love you y/n. Whenever you see this, you don’t have to call me back jus let me know that you’re somewhere safe alright?

  “You love me? Right.” After a click of your tongue you chuck the phone back onto the table. Out of sight, out of mind, you think with a throw of the blanket over your head.

His messages didn’t offer any relief, all they’ve done is overwhelm and mildly irritate you because he acts as if you at least owe him the status of your location and quite frankly- you don’t owe him shit.

How dare he act worried about you and have the nerve to type out that disingenuous four-letter word like- I know you just found out my coworker sucked my dick but goodnight, love you. The audacity! Why should you have to tell him where you ran off to when he cheated on you and hid it for a week? Oh so well, as one may add, because there hadn’t been a sliver of suspicion. Had Taehyung not even been a factor, would he have ever told you? It’s unlikely and no one will ever know. It’s possible that he may have after much much time had passed, so maybe you’ll possibly tell him that you are in the safe confines of someone-who-actually-loves-you’s home… after much much time, of course.

All of this quickly reminds you that you don’t have any of your things. Your hygiene products, clean work clothes, fresh underwear, makeup, etc. You didn’t even have your purse after abruptly leaving your apartment.

A frustrated groan escapes you because now you must figure out how you’ll properly get ready for work the way you normally do. The last thing you wanted was to go back and run into Jungkook. Some days he left bright and early at 5:30 AM and you can take your chances and hope it’s one of those mornings, but it could just as likely be a day he’s decided to sleep in until 8. His app is finished so he shouldn’t have any standing reason to go in early, if not for the fact that he missed nearly a week of work, so he may. The odds were 50/50, it’s better to not risk it.

There’s also the option to call out of work, to stay in and sulk until an hour that he absolutely couldn’t be home, pack all your things and run away to a small town where nobody knows you until things get better. While tempting, you’re realistic and know that you cannot just uproot your life because you’re sad. The mere thought of having to go out and put on a brave face in front of the world today while you felt broken inside was tiring in itself, but sulking seemed exhausting. It wouldn’t make you feel any better, so you might as well go on like it’s any other work day. You could just shower here, pull your hair in a bun, stop at a Target for clothes and other necessities on the way and everything would be fine. At least you’d be able to busy your mind with something other than the fact the love of your life shit on a three year relationship for another woman no less.

-----

Around 9 AM, your work phone rings loudly against the desk. It sends your heart racing into a frenzy because the only person who ever called was your boss, and she only called for impromptu staff meetings or more specifically- to fire someone.

“Y/N~” To your surprise, the lobby receptionist’s voice sings at your pickup.

“Hyerin, good morning!” You smile, thankful that you aren’t losing your job too.

“You have a guest down here waiting for you.”

“What..?”

Your poor heart doesn’t get a chance to relax, there was only person who came to visit you at work. A person who shouldn't be visiting you right now.

“Mhmm! He brought you coffee~!”

“He?” Your jaw clenches, there could be no way. Jungkook could not be ridiculous enough to show up to your job first thing in the morning. He specifically said he understood if it was too soon for you! Why is he doing this?  “I-- tell him I’m not in today!”

“He would know I’m lying!” Her hushed voice scratches against the receiver, tickling your eardrums uncomfortably.

“Then tell him I’m busy.”

“But he’s being so patient,” She says, her once melodious voice becoming sympathetic. “Shall I have him wait a few minutes?”

“Just tell him I don’t wanna see him, okay?”

“Oh but Y/N! I said he brought you coffee! Don’t be impolite and just come down, okay?”

Her end briefly goes silent before the endless dial tone beeps to indicate she’s hung up before you could utter another excuse. You mentally curse her because her greatest quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth, but her worst quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth and can’t tell unwanted guests to go away. In her defense, she doesn’t know that your boyfriend has been unloyal and you have a very valid reason for not wanting to see him.

On the way downstairs you are fully prepared to pour coffee over Jungkook’s head and curse him out for showing up to your place of work uninvited under the current circumstances. It’s disrespectful and he’s crossing a line by being here, you couldn’t wait to send him on his way. He couldn’t force you to talk if you didn’t want to. Though, that reaction would surely cause a scene. You will instead kindly let him know he’s being unprofessional and ask him to leave.

You practice the words again and again, it’s a must in order to not break the moment you face him. After all, the last time you saw him you were a bawling mess with mascara smearing on your fingertips and telling him you hated him while feeling like you might pass out. You couldn’t be the weak one this time.

Walking down the hall from the elevator your heart is still racing but you feel a sense of confidence even if it’s mild and fake, you’re just ready to get it over with. He’s leaning up against the front desk, distracted in a conversation with Hyerin as you approach. Heart thumping, the back of his head becomes clearer, strands of ash brown hair…

Your feet freeze against the marble flooring, “Taehyung?”

He swiftly turns at the sound of your voice, shoulders visibly relaxing when his eyes land on you. “Hey!” He pauses to turn, grabbing two concealed drinks off the edge of the reception desk, and closing the gap as he walks to you. “You left without saying anything.”

You should feel relieved but your mind and body hadn’t aligned, heart still shaken up over thinking he would be someone else. “Y-yea… I’m sorry. I left you a note, it was really early.”

“Oh! My fault, I didn’t see it. I came to make sure you’re okay.” He quirks a brow, letting you know his statement is indeed a question.

Not well given everything that’s happened, but that’s obvious. It wasn’t lunch time yet so it was possible in a few hours you’d be ready to slam your head into a wall but you’ve survived so far.

“I’m fine, Tae.”

His lips fall to an exaggerated frown, he is unconvinced and unimpressed by your attempt to not even sound dry. “How are you really, Y/N?”

You sigh, he would not be Taehyung if he didn’t at least try to get more from you. “Well… I’ve already cried once at my cubicle, I’m wearing $3 concealer that does nothing for the bags under my eyes, I have a minor headache and I just nearly had a heart attack because I thought you were Jungkook but other than that I’m okay, really.”

“You cried?”

You open your mouth to speak but get caught on an answer. Maybe you shouldn’t have slipped that part out not only because it’s embarrassing but now he’d just worry more than you knew he was. But it’s too late and the confession was made.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

A month or so after Jungkook you’d also gotten a job, specifically the one you had now. Like Jungkook it wasn’t at all what you wanted to do. The first few weeks after graduating were hard, all of the places you really wanted to work just weren’t calling back or would immediately send the dreaded thanks but no thanks email. Your mom had forced you to stop being so nit picky and apply wherever you could, passively sending you links to job openings she would spot online herself. Eventually you scored a job in the corporate world- lucky enough to make a decent amount of money, get home early, and not work weekends. Not so fortunately, you were stuck in some boring entry-level position in a finance department. It was the last thing on earth you wanted to be doing but you’d felt obligated to take it because up until that point your parents were helping with rent and other money related responsibilities.

The only person who really knew how you felt back then was Jungkook. At first you claimed it was different, like you’d said to him then, at least he was doing something related to his dream career. But no, really, he got it. He understood the fear you had of not being able to move away from this, the weight of life’s responsibilities, the overwhelming desire to just do what the hell you were passionate about, he knew it all too well.

On your first day of work he printed one of the hundred-something selfies you two had taken on graduation day and bought a frame for you to prop on your desk. He’d told you not to peak and to assemble it once you got to work, obviously you didn’t and couldn’t resist temptation, and the surprise was a short note he wrote on the back.

Baby, Congrats !!!

I know you’re not excited but I will be excited for you because I’m really proud of you still. You always remind me that bad days are temporary when I complain about work, ha ha, I want to remind you that too. I know nothing is perfect right now, a lot of things suck, but you still have me. I look forward to the future because I still have you. We may not have our dream jobs but we have each other so hopefully we can live our dream life soon. Just hang in there!

I love you more than anything  - Jungkook

You couldn’t stop grinning the first time you’d read it. It was hard to find the words to say to him, hard to express your gratitude and how thankful you were you had him, you could only text him and say I love you so very much and that was enough for him.

Seeing that photo of your younger selves first thing in the morning was aggravating to say the least. You’d immediately slammed the frame down, picking at the back to take the pieces apart, intentions to tear the picture in half. But when you yanked it free from the slot and blue ink came to vision, you paused and read what he’d written less than a year ago. Tears were brimming before you realized. You didn’t have the guts to rip up the picture then, instead you shoved it in one of your drawers to be forgotten until you stumble upon it another day.

Taehyung looks at you worriedly, and it’s the same look he gave you yesterday before he turned your world upside down. A look you can now identify as the I-have-bad-news look.

“I saw Jungkook on my way here.”

“Okay?”

“He asked me if I’d heard from you.”

“Oh God... Taehyung please don’t tell me you told him I spent the night at your place.”

“I told him.”

“Why!? Why would you do that!?”

Hyerin’s only a few feet behind him, so as her head turns and her prying gaze briefly catches your eyes you glance around the two of you quickly, checking that no one else heard your brief outburst.

“I- I didn’t realize- I don’t know? I’m sorry?���

Taking a deep breath in you close your eyes to calm yourself. You don’t mean to yell at him, he hasn’t done anything wrong or gone against verbalized wishes. You know this. You’re just on edge, emotional, and you didn’t want Jungkook to know where you were.

“Is it because it’s me? You didn’t want him to know you were with me?” He asks.

“What? Taehyung, oh my God, no! It’s not about you.” You try not to raise your voice anymore, though you were sure you were probably scowling at him, annoyed with his assumptions.

“Forget I asked.” He’s good at keeping his voice level, manages to not react after you, but you can tell he’s just as annoyed with you when a muscle tenses in his jaw. “Which one do you want?”

He raises the two drinks in his hands, one’s holding a clear plastic cup with dark liquid chilled over ice, and in the other he has a large paper cup, presumably the same dark liquid but hot. It’s a harsh reminder that you’re being snappy with the wrong person. No matter how irritable you were, he didn’t deserve the back end of it. All he did was give to you, even now when you keep being rude to him.

“Tae, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just got upset because… I’m not ready to talk to Jungkook and I don’t want him knowing where I am.”

“If you’re worried he’s gonna pop up on you, I don’t think it’s like that. He seemed really worried and I think he wanted to know you’re safe.”

Yeah, you think, that’s exactly what he said.

You finally take the hot coffee from his hand, finding a way to divert the conversation away from Jungkook.

“Thank you for this.”

“Of course. I have to leave soon. I’m shooting this guy for his acting portfolio. Then my friend is working a fashion shoot afterwards and invited me to help so I’m not sure when I’ll be done. I wanted to give you this.” With his free hand he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a shiny gold key. “Just got it copied.”

He smiles widely, giggling as you hesitantly take the key into your own hand. You don’t know why he’s gushing about this but it has butterflies floating in your stomach.

“Is this to your apartment?”

“Where else? I mean- this isn’t me asking you to be my roommate but... I wanted you to have somewhere to go even if I’m not home.”

“Tae! You didn’t need to go copy a whole key I- I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

-----

Taehyung’s apartment is empty when you get there after work, and while it’s not surprising because he did say he had work you still feel disappointed. Leaving work you were eager to get some alone time, but not like this.

All your coworkers actually showed up today, and being that it was the day after New Year’s, everyone wanted to talk about how great their New Year went. The universe was making a mock out of you, you were sure of it. A few of the girls priorly knew about your plans with Jungkook and had hopeful heart eyes as they asked about the cruise, and while the actual night was fine, yesterday was not something you even wanted to think about.

You’d always find a way out, excusing yourself to go make copies or apologizing because “I really need to finish writing this report.” Your sweet coworkers, they understood. Saying, “Right, I need to respond to a few emails” before running back to their own cubicles and leaving you alone. That is until a new question popped in their mind that’d have them strolling back over.

You were the only woman in your office with a standing long-term relationship, they all loved to live vicariously through you while struggling with their own love lives. You knew you’d break their hearts when you’d finally have to tell them the truth. At least for today, you omitted that bit of the story. Not only for their sake, but also for yours. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

You’re not sure yet what it says about you to be someone who got cheated on. Will people wonder what you did to push him that far? Will they pity you? Will they figure you must be a bad girlfriend and did something wrong?

Did you do something wrong?

Making your way to the kitchen you decide to scavenge Taehyung’s fridge for something to eat. Your stomach started grumbling a few hours ago after you made the silly choice of skipping lunch. Looking back, you’re not sure why you did because the persistent headache you’ve had since morning is likely due to the fact that you haven’t ate anything. Unfortunately for you and your pain his fridge is empty of anything edible, only stocked with a carton of milk, a pack of bottled water and a single bottle of wine.

“How do men survive like this?” You mutter, deciding to at least continue to hydrate your organs if you couldn’t feed them. You slump onto a chair at his small dining table thinking, Jungkook’s fridge would also look like that if it weren’t for me.

Across from you, his shiny macbook seems to wave hello, and beyond that you notice his camera bag is on the chair. If his camera is here then he can’t be at a photo shoot right now. Unless his friend told him not to bring it, then again why would you tell a photographer not to bring their camera? It’s possible he’s already been home, but you haven’t a clue where he’d be now.

The laptop shimmers in the light, begging for your attention once more, quietly reminding you about the interesting contents it holds.

“I know.” You grumble aloud. More to yourself because you are aware it’s an inanimate object that can’t actually communicate and it’s your own conscious taunting you. Yes, the pictures, I know.

The tempting voice asks if you’re even a little bit curious, if there’s a small part of you that wants to know what Taehyung saw in Jungkook that night? How he knew it before you, how he knows when he doesn’t even really know. It’s in the pictures like he’d said, and you could easily pass your fingertips over the smooth surface, you could open the lid, you could see for yourself.

But wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? Snooping through his laptop while he’s not even here just to see the way Jungkook interacts with some girl feels selfish and wrong. He probably has a lock on there anyway.

Oh but dear, the laptop says, he wanted you to see them after all! You could look through his camera, they might still be there. Taehyung wouldn’t mind at all! You should check!

It’s tempting, you think back, but I don’t know…

Don’t you wanna see the face of the woman who he found room in his heart for?

The words are way too personal, a blatant throw back of Jungkook’s confession. Another reminder that you definitely aren’t talking to a laptop and this is just conflicting dialogue in your own head.

Maybe there is a part of you that wants to know. It’ll probably hurt but you won’t stop wondering if you never look. Even just once.

You move from one seat to the other, placing his bag onto the table carefully. You’re gentle as you pull the Canon from it’s compartment, the weight of it shifting into both palms reminds you that if you do anything wrong your friend just might kill you because this baby costs (literal) thousands.

Thankfully, as the camera comes to life his, presumably, last photo taken appears on the small square screen which means you don’t have to press a million buttons just to find what you’re looking for. You scroll through the first photos, dozens of group shots of people wearing different hot pink garments, wondering briefly what the photo shoot was for. Eventually you land on close up photos of a younger guy, the head shots for Taehyung’s friend, you’re close. Until finally, there’s a photo of an older man and woman holding two thumbs up, the festive backdrop giving away they’re at a holiday party.

This is it.

You take a moment before continuing to scroll, preparing yourself mentally because you aren’t sure when you will finally land on a picture of the two in search, but you will reach them and when you do, you must contain your emotions.

It’s fine, it’ll be fine.

Moving on, you’re slower this time, carefully scanning each passing photo to be sure not to miss Jungkook. The first few ones, or rather last several, are group shots with the same old man as before, until they become more candid.

The first time you spot him, he’s in the background giving some guy a hug.

There’s another photo of him at a table, not alone, but not speaking to anyone. He’s completely unaware that he’s being captured in the background which makes his oblivious doe-like daze a little adorable. He’s so cute, you think. Also oblivious to the smile that’s perked on your lips.

That is until you skip to the next photo and noticeably feel it drop when you finally see her. Somehow, you just know. There’s a second woman in the photo who seems to be talking with her hands, Lia’s smiling and making eye contact, but Jungkook’s eyes are on Lia.

You pass it, moving onto something else. There’s another. This time, they’re the focus of the photo, sitting at a table with another you haven’t met, all engaged in laughter.

You skip a few more, until the next one with them is again in the background. He’s smirking but you can’t see her face because she’s sat at an angle and her hair’s in the way.

The next photo is captured from behind, but you know it’s them because of her red dress and the fact you can recognize Jungkook from any angle by now. One arm around his shoulder and her head leaning into him, what warranted her to come this close?

You pass many, many more photos until you see them again. A posed picture, with the same guy from the laughing one, and like this you can really get a good look at her. You’re not too prideful to admit that she is beautiful and she holds an enticing look in her eyes. Maybe that’s her special feature, but other than that what’s special about her? Past the pretty face and perfect smile, what separates her from you? What was there under her surface? How’d she win over Jungkook?

The next pictures you go through are mostly boring, just photos of everyone at the party eating and conversing. But there’s one common factor in all of them with Lia and Jungkook, he was always looking at her. Most of the time smiling while he did so. And most of that time, she was looking at him too.

There’s something obvious there, that maybe Taehyung also saw, they have a connection. That, even if you hadn’t known him, you would think they had something going on too with all the ridiculous googly eyes. But with that, because you know him, there’s something else you see- That he is absolutely fascinated by her, drawn to her, intrigued. Whatever special thing she possessed, he’s latched onto it and it’s pulled him away from you.

Tears begin to well and you have to set the camera down to wipe them away harshly. It’s annoying, this marks the third time today, and if you let yourself cry now it’ll only worsen your headache into a migraine. You don’t want to cry over him, he doesn’t deserve it. Crying means you care and well, obviously you care. You love him, but he doesn’t deserve that either. Why should you still love him after what he’s done to you?

It’s useless to keep rubbing your eyes, your knuckles pointlessly tug the skin just for them to become wet again. You didn’t want to cry but your body was intent on releasing it’s frustration.

It’s not fair that after so much time together this other person just gets to come in and move his heart- quite literally, like he said, making room inside of it. It’s not fair that just two months ago he said to you he couldn’t see himself with anybody else just to fall for another girl who knows how long after. Maybe it’d happened before he even said it. The fact that he was willing to explore how he felt about her should’ve been a dead giveaway that he was in denial at the time. Maybe you were too.

Could it be that she’s the reason your relationship spiraled in the first place? After he started work that’s when the distance between you two started to extend. There were a lot of other things you thought it could be. You thought he was depressed over the new job, closed off from you because he was closed off to the world. And at the time, you tried your best to be the optimistic one.  You tried to lift his spirits and be encouraging but maybe it wasn’t enough. Where did you go wrong? Where did you fail at making him happy?

Why weren’t you enough?

You desperately want to know what it is about her- what is it that Lia has and you don’t?

Is it all because he felt you weren’t reciprocating his efforts to fix things? Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. You should’ve done more- you should’ve been more affectionate and caring. You should’ve loved him better.

You flinch at the soft thud of the door closing, jumping out of your seat because it’s startled you. It’s just Taehyung, standing there silently with a harsh expression of worry.

“You were crying.” He says plainly, a hint of guilt in his tone.

“No.” You lie, wiping your face once more and forcing a laugh.

He shakes his head as he makes his way to you, setting a white to-go box on the table before standing in front of you.

“You think I’m stupid? Your eyes are red.” His voice is unnecessarily gentle as he cups your face in both hands, thumbs wiping away left over traces of tears. The sound of his voice alone makes your entire chest warm- you hate it. “Also, I saw you.”

“I’m fine.” You push his hands away because his affections are way too much for your weakened heart to handle. He seems displeased. “What’d you get?”

He glances at the table and then back to you. The pierce of his brown eyes makes your lungs constrict, even his gaze is difficult to hold.

“Fried chicken. You saw the pictures?”

“O- y-yea…” You force yourself to look away- if you breathe properly maybe you can talk without sounding like a moron. “I’m really sorry for going through your things I just got curious and I shouldn’t have but that’s-”

“It’s okay, Y/n.” He assures you, “Are you okay?”

Your mouth forms to say yes and he already knows the lie to come, fixing his question before you can.

“I mean you’re not okay. I’m asking if you wanna talk about it.”

“It’s okay.” There were too many layers to uncover, between your emotions and the pictures and your anniversary and what really happened at that party, “It’s a lot.”

He shrugs at your words like they don’t matter, “I’ve got some time. And I’ve got food.”

“Tae-”

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I’m just confused. But I don’t want to ramble and get upset.”

“Why are you confused?”

“I just… I don’t understand Jungkook. I don’t understand why he likes that girl. I don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t understand why he was so good to me if there was someone else, even after what happened, all the way until I found that he fucking let her-” You stop there, unsure what words to use to explain what happened other than the disgusting frank description that was there in your mind. Your stomach was already churning, you couldn’t say it.

“He let her…?”

“They… you know…” You vaguely wave your hands between your bodies, back and forth from the direction of your mouth to his crotch, hoping he caught on to the innuendo and wouldn’t force you to be explicit. He’d already successfully tricked in you into saying more than you originally wanted to.

“Ahh, wow um…” Surprised, he understands, but uncertain with himself if that’s really what you meant. If only he knew just how bad it gets.

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright, alright.” He holds his hands up defensively, letting the topic go at once.

At some point over the last few months he’d stopped being passive and tried harder to pry information out of you when you were being closed off. Not too forcefully, but it was silently appreciated. You’d become grateful for his willingness to listen to whatever was weighing on your mind no matter the topic, it was always followed with thoughtful responses and advice. Now though, it’s a bit more frustrating. Something about this was different. This was not something that was easy to open up about and you wished he would say OK and let it be.

You know there’s an elephant in the room and at some point the healthy thing to do will be talking about it and having that conversation with him, your closest friend, but today wasn’t it.

He makes his way to the farthest side of the table, “Well, I’ll have to eat dinner with you quickly because I have to go check on a tenant downstairs. Their heater isn’t working and as you can imagine in the middle of winter they aren’t happy about it.”

“If you have business to take care of it’s fine. I need to go back to my apartment anyway to grab some things before Jungkook gets home and then find a hotel somewhere.”

“You’re being ridiculous, you don’t need a hotel. And you should at least eat first.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” Your prolonged headache would beg to differ but you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. You’re not sure how to respond to his first remark because it’s obvious you don’t have anywhere else to stay. You’d stay here, but only if he offered. You weren’t going to ask since you had no plan and it’d be quite the favor to ask someone to crash at their place for an indefinite period of time. “Ah, also, I don’t have my key… would you mind helping me get in?”

“Not at all.” A moment of silence drags on for a minute too long as he stares at you sadly, worrying his bottom lip, until he speaks up again. “You sure you don’t want to eat something?”

“I’m sure.”

With that, he heads over to the cabinet below the kitchen sink and pulls out of a bulky rectangular safe. Upon unlocking it there’s nearly a hundred keys organized on rows of hooks- a key to every room in the entire complex. He plucks yours straight from the center and then begins to count towards the bottom before he pulls another one.

After locking everything back up and putting it in it’s discreet place he places the keys in your hands silently. One reads 503, the other 705.

“What is this?”

“There’s a furnished room on the top floor. It’s clean, it’s got running water and it’s all yours.”

“Huh?”

“We only use it for tours because it has extra square footage compared to the other one bedrooms- don’t tell anybody that. Also, please do not lose these because if Mr.Lee finds out I’m doing this-”

“I understand!” You sputter, gripping the cold metal tightly. “Thank you, Taehyung.”

He beams at you, “It’s no problem. You still have a key here so don’t feel like you’re not welcome to visit.”

To visit, right, not to stay.

You weren’t going to ask him, no, but you do feel disappointed that he hadn’t offered. And maybe that’s selfish of you to think considering he’s risking his job just to offer you a private place of comfort and here you are wondering why you can’t stay with him.

You can’t help but feel this is his subtle way of getting rid of you, which is fair, your moodiness is probably annoying. Still, he’s being nothing but kind and going out of his way for you, and yet for some reason it’s all making you sad.

-----

It’s been exactly 10 days since you’ve seen Jungkook, which is impressive considering you both return home to the same complex every day and have yet to cross paths. For the first time ever you were thankful for the difference in your schedules, by now assuming that he was likely back to his usual 10 AM to 6 PM shift and that’s why you two hadn’t. But, you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t wish to see him every day.

There were countless times you had to stop yourself from calling him, thinking I just want to see how he’s doing. In the morning, on the way to work, in the evening, on the train, at night- especially at night, especially when you had to lay in bed alone. Other times you instinctively pressed for 5 on the elevator, only remembering you were on the wrong level when the doors opened to familiarity, you would consider for a moment getting off and just going back home, but deep down you knew better than to make that mistake. Your self control was also impressive.

In your own defense, your moments of weakness were absolutely valid, you two had been inseparable since that first day of sophomore year over three years ago, you never went more than two days without seeing each other. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was the winter break before you started dating, and his family’s week long vacation two summers ago, but you still talked every day so it’s not the same.

This last year in particular your lives were built around each other- you freaking moved in together. Every day for a year you woke up and he was there, you went to sleep and he was there, right next to you. Even your body knew that something was missing as it tossed and turned at night, falling asleep had become difficult. Unless you cried, but you tried to minimize that to every other day.

The spacious apartment did not help your loneliness either, you tried to find comfort and treat it like a get away, but really it was unfamiliar and lacked personal touch. You didn’t even feel like a guest in someone else’s home, the space felt outside of reality, outside of your norm.

The only time things didn’t feel so odd were when you were with Taehyung. In his space he provided the consistent comfort you craved. The only problem was that the past week just so happened to be a week he was packed with gig after gig after gig. He’d been very busy with his photography and while he did his best to call you throughout the days and make sure you were simply surviving, the physical time you spent together had dwindled down significantly. Another hard pill to swallow since you’d gotten used to seeing him every day too.

Your loneliness was becoming suffocating.

Thankfully tonight some of the girls from your job made dinner plans that you were included in, which turned into an impromptu trip to a nearby karaoke bar afterwards. It was a nice break away from your usual routine to go out and spend time with friends rather than sitting inside alone on a Friday night. It was also the most you’d laughed all week.

Your plan for when you got back to the apartment complex was to go straight inside, change out of your work clothes, quickly go through your bedtime routine before your mind had a chance to start wandering through every reason you had to be sad, and go to sleep. That all becomes impossible the second you step into 705 and are welcomed by it’s freezing cold draft, it feels like you’ve just stepped back outside into the winter night.

The thermostat claims the heat is on, set to 70 degrees, but the current indoor temperature reads as 42 degrees fahrenheit.

“Jesus Christ, not me.” You groan at the ceiling, letting your bag thump to the ground before bending over to fish for your cell phone.

To: Tae [9:42 PM]

Please tell me you’re home :(

You hold the phone in your hand for a few minutes, waiting for his message to pop up on the screen but his reply is not immediate. You begin to worry because he’s typically a quick responder as long as he’s not working, and though it’s late maybe he was still at a shoot, or he also decided to go out tonight. Either way, you’d have to figure out what to do because there was no way you could sleep in this place tonight.

From: Tae [9:47 PM]

I’m here

Sorry about that I was making tea

what’s up angel?

A-Angel?

You’re not sure that he’s ever called you that before and don’t know where it’s come from and your face may be heating up at the pet name but there’s more important matters at hand.

To: Tae [9:48 PM]

Uhh hate to bother you but… I think the heaters broken

 From: Tae [9:48 PM]

Nooo You’re the third person this week :(

From: Tae [9:49 PM]

I’m sorry, do you wanna sleep here?

Do you even have to ask?

---

When you arrive downstairs moments later he welcomes you in with a tight hug, as if it’s been months since he’s seen you but it’s only been three days. Regardless, the affection is much needed as you’ve been deprived of all physical forms, you feel yourself wanting to reach back out as he pulls away.

“I still have hot water, do you want me to make you some tea?”

“Hm, I’m okay, but thank you.” You were still fairly stuffed from dinner and the several virgin margaritas you enjoyed during karaoke.

Leaving your bags in the living room, you follow his path into the kitchen. Sure enough, there’s a kettle on the counter next to a small box and mug, he moves quickly to clean up the small mess and put things back into their place.

“Well since you’re here, do you want to watch a movie or anything? I think there’s a new episode of that weird sci-fi show you like.”

“First of all if you’re talking about Black Mirror, it’s not weird, but yes there’s a new interactive movie.”

He glances back to roll his eyes at you before dusting scraps into the trash bin. “You made me watch an episode where they trapped someone’s consciousness into a teddy bear… it’s a little weird.”

“There was so much to take away from that episode and that’s still all you talk about!”

When season four had first come out, you and Jungkook nearly finished it within a week, but life got in the way and you never got a chance to finish. One day you decided to just complete the season without him and enjoy the finale with Taehyung who’d never seen the show. You thought it’d be fun, thinking he’d provide insightful commentary, instead, he couldn’t get passed how cruel it was a character couldn’t express sadness beyond “Monkey needs a hug.”

“Would you rather talk about the guy who literally got off on murdering someone?”

“He-- no, please.”

He’s smiling as he walks back over to you and you can’t help but giggle because okay it is kind of weird and maybe you should’ve chosen a different episode to introduce him to but it was still really good!

“I’ll let you show me another episode, preferably one less dark.”

For whatever reason, he pulls your head against his chest to rest his own atop yours and wraps you back into his warmth. This time your heart immediately starts to race, nervous about the random affection, though your arms don’t hesitate to wrap around him either.

“It’s okay, I actually just wanna go to sleep.”

“Oh… okay...” He holds you tighter, sounding a bit disappointed.

You squeeze him back, a way of silently apologizing. You expect him to pull away then, but he doesn't, and neither do you because even with a jumping heart being like this was too comfortable. He was always so warm, and so cuddly, and his clothes always smelled like lavender. Which would confuse your brain at first when you’d get a whiff of him, the light fragrance so contrasting to that of your favorite- a warm blend of citrus notes and amber on Jungkook- but you also adored whatever floral fabric softener Taehyung used because you found it calming. In fact, you could stand here forever because the combination of all he had to offer was that relaxing. So relaxing that you can’t help but ask-

“Tae…” You release your hold so that you can step back and look at him but he doesn’t let you go, only slides his hands to the lower part of your back providing enough space for eye contact, responding with a yes? “Can I… sleep in your bed tonight?”

“I guess so? I don’t mind taking the couch.”

“No, I mean, with you.”

“Uh-” You catch the way his eyebrows almost raise with widening eyes before he can stop the reaction. You worry about the implications of your words.

“Unless it’s weird. Is that weird? I’m sorry.”

“No!” His hands abruptly fall away, swiping at the back of high thighs as he creates room between you two. “Not at all, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m- it’s just hard sleeping alone, you know?”

“Y-yeah, it’s alright.”

Not long afterwards, after you both had changed and freshened up, you found yourself sitting up in Taehyung’s bed with your back against the wall. It seems silly to you now that you’ve never slept together let alone even stepped foot in his bedroom. But before all this, things were different, and even though you’re only friends it definitely would’ve been inappropriate taking all things into consideration- Taehyung’s feelings, your relationship, maybe even your fleeting non-platonic thoughts about him.

Now, you don’t question it too much, it’s not inappropriate or weird. You’re the only one making it a little weird because you keep thinking about the fact that Taehyung still likes you, or at least you assume so, and that he could use this opportunity to make a move on you. Deep down you know he would never, he’s too respectable for that. Maybe you’d let him- ONLY because you’re vulnerable! He knows that. Which is why he shouldn’t, he’d be taking advantage of that. He won’t, but you still wonder if he will. Even as he rambles on about the earl grey tea his mom bought from Europe, a small yet very expensive Christmas present. There’s a reason why this French tea company is so special, but you wouldn’t know because see, you’re being weird.

How Jungkook would feel about all of this? What’s he up to anyway?

“Y/N? Are you listening to me?”

You’re startled by the sound of your name, but you nod furiously. “Of course, Tae. You were saying your mom and… amazing French company, great story!”

He shakes his head disapprovingly, “That’s how I know you weren’t paying attention. My mom bought the tea in France but it’s a Singaporean company!”

“Oh, see! I was close! I just missed that one little tidbit.”

He squints his eyes at you, knowing you’re telling a tale. Letting out an exaggerated sigh he rotates on his side to face you and props his elbow to rest his head in his palm. “Alright, what’s wrong? Spill the tea. No pun intended.”

“I know you’ll think I’m an idiot but I’m gonna say it. I miss Jungkook.”

“No I won’t!” He sits up fully in bed, seeing that the thoughts that plague you are deeper than he anticipated. He mirrors your image, crossing his legs before reaching to hold both your hands. “First of all you’re not an idiot and I would never think so little of you. It’s okay if you miss Jungkook, it’s expected. You don’t just forget about someone you love overnight or even within a week.”

Was that true, though?

“Why not? He did.”

Whether in the blink of an eye or months before you realized, he’d forgotten about you, forgotten what you meant to him, forgotten what you two had. Or is it that he didn’t love you anymore and that’s what made you so easy to forget?

“Didn’t I already tell you he’s a dumbass?” He grins, but you can’t find it in you to laugh, the insult doesn’t even make you feel the slightest bit better.

He sighs, rubbing his thumbs over the back of your hands. “Can I ask you something?”

You nod.

“Do you want to save your relationship?”

Your hands pull away, not because of him, but almost as if to brace yourself for the weight of reality as you press them into the bed on either side of you. You hadn’t really thought about that, your thought process never got that far. Would Jungkook even want that?

“I don’t know that it's possible. Jungkook told me he likes Lia, and if that’s true, then it’s serious. He isn’t easily swayed by pretty faces.”

Taehyung snorts, “Who said anything about her being pretty?”

Your arch a brow at him, unsure if he’s trying to insinuate something. “Well I saw her, she is pretty but… that’s just it, that's not the point. He actually needs to get to know someone if he’s gonna pursue them. I told you before how in college there were so many girls interested in him and he didn't like any of them. Not even me. Not until he knew me.”

“And now he likes her…”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s not what I asked. Put him aside for a moment and stop thinking about what he feels. What is it that you want?” He asks, pressing a finger into your knee.

What I want? That is still a lot to consider. A lot that you haven’t gone over. You’ve only focused on the current distance between the two of you, and keeping it that way until you felt strong enough to face him. You’ve only gone through past memories, you hadn’t thought of what the future held nor what you wanted it to.

“I don’t know, Tae. It sounds ridiculous but I can’t envision my life without him. The idea of going back to him feels daunting because I don’t know how to forgive him for what he did or how to trust him after this. Or even, how I could allow myself to love him. I don’t have answers but it’s like if I don’t then what? Where do I go and who do I become?”

“You don’t become anyone, if not just a better version of yourself. You don’t need him to have a complete identity.”

“That’s easy for you to say-”

“I know it’s easy for me to say,” His rebuttal is sharp, almost defensive. “No I didn’t just spend the last three years of my life with someone just for them to shit all over our history, but I’m right. You were somebody long before you even met him and you will still be somebody without him, if you choose to let him go.”

“I know that, but it’s not just easy for me to say, okay, bye Jungkook, and go on and be content with being alone.”

“You think you’d be alone?”

“Well, yes?”

It all circles back to what you first said, you can’t envision life without him. Even if you try, there’s nothing there, you, but nothing more. Maybe that should be enough, but that blank image in your mind feels empty, life would be lackluster and dull, something would always be missing.

“That’s not true.” He looks down for a moment, finding a loose string on his comforter to tug on. “You have me.”

At that, and as his eyes finds yours, the air in the room starts to thicken. The statement feels too direct. You know he means that as a reminder of his loyal friendship, you know it’s his way of saying hey I’m here, but it feels like something more.

“As long as I’m alive, you’ll always have me.”

“Hm, like forever.” Your own gaze slips away this time, unable to stop yourself from chuckling at the boundless promise of his words. An older version of you may have believed him, a version of you that believes love is timeless, the version of you with a committed boyfriend. You want to believe him because Taehyung is honest, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. But words like this have been spoken truthfully to you before and look where it’s brought you.

“Jungkook and I are not the same.” It’s almost embarrassing how well Taehyung knows you, how spot on he is about what you’re thinking. “There was a point in time Jungkook couldn’t even see you, he didn’t see you then and he doesn’t see you now. Me?” He stops himself, you can tell by his tone that he knows he’s crossing a line again, about to walk past usual boundaries, about to say something he couldn’t have said before today, but he says it anyway. “The way I’ve felt about you has never changed. Every day I still feel what I felt the day I first met you… Even when you’ve confused me, even when you’ve cursed me, even when you’ve pushed me away, even when you defined the line in the sand and made it clear we could never be more than friends, even when you don’t see me… I feel it. So yes, like forever.”

You’re too afraid to look at him because you think you might crack the way you once had months ago, when a flood of emotion for him overtook you, when you considered giving into him.

“And I’m not asking you to- I’m not saying anything other than I’ve come with you this far and… whatever you do, nothing's gonna change.”

You have no words for him, nothing coherent, at least for now. You nearly throw yourself at him, sprouting up from your position on the left side of the bed to wrap your arms around his neck. He reacts quickly, thankfully, because as he falls sideways onto the mattress with a huff you realize you could’ve sent him tumbling backwards to the floor which would’ve been bad for the both of you.

You feel the soft laughter rumble beneath his chest as he tightens his hold around you, “Thank you?”

You’re overwhelmed with both gratitude and frustration, so much so that you think you could cry. How did you get so damn lucky to have this man in your life? It wasn’t fair. Logically, and karmically, it was not fair. Even as he said and listed reasons he’s had to pull back, to change his mind, to drop you, he hasn’t. He genuinely loves and supports you unconditionally and you don’t know how the hell that happened or why but there’s one thing you are certain of.

You are more than lucky, you are blessed to have Taehyung. And you hope that this friendship is eternal because you can’t imagine having to lose him too.

----

“Do you remember the first time we ate here?”

“Of course I do.”

You’d spent the first half of your Saturday lounging in bed, or rather Taehyung’s bed, all by yourself because he’d had an early morning shoot for… something you don’t remember because you were half asleep when he’d said. You’d stayed that way for a while, grumpily, because you were starving and too lazy to go out and eat and too stubborn to order delivery. By lunch time when your hunger hit peak aggravation you sent him a very aggressive text message in all caps to PLEASE BUY SOME FUCKING GROCERIES YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE BREAD. He promptly responded with a slew of laughing emojis, then letting you know he was already ten minutes away and to meet him downstairs.

He’d taken you the short walk to the taco truck around the corner, the very first place you hung out, a very telling choice after what he said last night.

“You never did thank me for showing you the best taco place in town.” He flicks at his bangs dramatically, turning a shoulder to you in faux offense.

“That’s because it’s not. I mean, it’s good but my favorite is this restaurant up north.”

“Why have you never taken me then?”

“They closed down last summer.”

“Must not have been too good.” He looks at you pointedly, flicking at his silky strands once more. You raise a fist, pretending like you might hit him, though you’re laughing at his obnoxiousness.

“I promise, you would’ve loved it.”

Just then, a lady pokes her head out from the wide window, calling your name for your order. Taehyung is first to run over and grab the small bag, though you take it back from him, offering to carry it on the walk back.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What was your first impression of me?”

“Oh…” His question comes as a surprise, but you don’t think much of it, reflecting back to the day last spring. The very first time you met. “I thought you were very polite.”

“What about the first time we ate back there?”

“Well,” That question takes a little bit more digging. You have to remember the things you talked about that night, how you felt, how he seemed. “You seemed so… so… normal. Like, before that, I guess I kind of put you on a pedestal, I don’t know. You just seemed so composed and confident and like you had everything together but then we talked and you opened up to me and it was like ah, we’re not so different. It was refreshing.”

You look over to him and smile, he smiles, but he keeps his gaze towards to concrete as you continue up the block.

“Why do you ask? What was your first impression of me?”

“That you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.”

You instantly stop in your tracks, it takes him a second to register but when he does the balls of his feet scratch against the gravel as he turns around.

“Stop it.” You say, squinting your eyes suspiciously at him because why is he trying to flirt and joke around right now it’s making me blush! “Tell me.”

“That’s it?” Even his eyes frown at you, confused why you won’t accept his answer.

You roll your eyes and push past him, taking a right at the corner as you continued ahead. His legs are long so it doesn’t take anything of him to catch up, and he asks why you don’t believe him.

“I thought you were attractive but I gave you a better answer than that.”

“Wait-” He takes a few skips to jump in front of you, forcing you to come to another stop as he blocks the way. “You thought I was attractive?”

“What? I said you were handsome.”

“No, you said attractive.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows.

Oh my God, did I?

“I- it doesn’t matter, it’s basically the same thing.”

You step right, he steps left, you step left, he steps right, refusing to let you go around while he dons a ridiculous smirk that you try really hard not to look at.

“What!”

“Don’t you wanna know my first impression?”

“...yes.”

“Don’t judge me.” He points a finger at you, waiting on your nod before he continues, tucking his hand back into his coat pocket. “When we were standing in the elevator together, my heart was beating so fast because I was so nervous, but I thought you were mean! You kept giving me short answers and you glared at me when I was just trying to be helpful!”

“Come on, you asked me where I lived, give me a break.”

He giggles, “I was just nervous and talking out of order. But then you relaxed after I told you who I was, and you even laughed at something I said and…”

“And…?”

“I felt really warm. My heart, my insides,” One hand moves from the left side of his chest then down to his abdomen. You can see that he hesitates, biting on the corner of his lip nervously, but he looks back to you and sees the harsh expression on your face. “It’s stupid.” He forces a laugh and continues to walk home. You’re only about 10 yards away, the front entrance is visible not far beyond him.

He’s misread your reaction, misunderstood your furrowed expression. You weren’t frowning at him because of judgement or because you thought it was stupid, you were frowning out of pure confusion because he’d described the same feeling he’s given to you.

And it was so simple, such a simple feeling, a simple word. But, warm, yes, you understood. You felt it too that very first day, you felt it the first time you hung out. You feel it when he looks at you, when he talks, when he hugs you, just being next to him in itself was like sitting by a fire. You were never sure what it was or what it meant, you never looked too much into it, but if the sentiment was mutual shouldn’t you tell him you feel it too?

You run ahead to catch up, he’s still standing outside the door, presumably waiting for you to go inside.

Taehyung had said before that you always know what to say, but you disagree. Maybe when it comes to uplifting others kind words come naturally, but you aren’t good with words themself, at least not when it comes to sharing and expressing your emotions.

That is precisely why you cup his face into your hands as he turns to you, unbothered by the tacos that get smushed somewhere between your arm and his chest, raising onto the balls of your feet and pulling him down the distance you couldn’t close to press your lips into his.

You’re not entirely sure why you’re kissing Taehyung, or rather you can’t explain why. It’s impulsive but it feels right as that familiar feeling overtakes your entire chest, replacing the vacant ache you’d grown accustomed to over the last week and a half and overwhelming you with so much desire for more. And at first, he gives in to you. His gentle hands find your hips, head turning as his mouth opens in sync with yours to deepen the kiss.

In that moment you place words on the purpose. Kissing him said way more than your grateful hugs ever could, and that was all you’d done before. But this wasn’t even about saying thank you, this was about admitting that maybe you felt the exact same way. This was easier than facing the fact that there really was no reason to keep suppressing your emotions. But then he abruptly pulls away, eyes wide as he sounds frightened when he says your name.

Your heart sinks because he’s looking at you like you’ve just done something you should not have done. Heat creeps up over your ears, this time because you’re actually uncomfortable, completely embarrassed because maybe you just made a mistake.

Your open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out, stuck on shock, you don’t know how to even begin saying sorry.

“Jungkook is inside.”

Wait… what?

If you couldn’t speak before, you definitely couldn’t now as all the air escapes your lungs, frozen and unable to breathe. You want to believe that you heard him wrong, or that he didn’t even say Jungkook’s name. But you’re too terrified to even look and confirm. You still aren’t ready, you don’t know what feelings will come up just by seeing him. Worst of all, you don’t know if Jungkook just watched you kiss Taehyung and you cringe at the thought.

You look right, and sure enough, on the other side of the clear glass Jungkook stands there just feet away looking right at you. The way your heart picks up speed is almost painful, you can tell by the disgruntled look on his face he’s seen everything.

TBC

[neewtmas]

Tag game

Thank you so much @webslingerholland for tagging me! i never thought you would notice me (ur one of my fav blogs) and now i finally found some time for doing this :)

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? none of them actually, i have another music app (it's kinda illegal) is your room messy or clean? rn it's pretty clean but it's gonna be messy soon again What color are your eyes? hazel Do you like your name? why? i don't really like my name, Lisa just sounds super generic and idk kinda weird? i can't explain What is your relationship status? as single as one can be Describe your personality in three words or less: shy, creative, non-judgemental (is this even a word? now it is)

What color hair do you have? Brown What kind of car do you drive? Color? i don't even have a driver license yet, but my bike is white, if that counts?? Where do you shop? H&M, New Yorker, ONLY, How would you describe your style? simple and comfortable Favorite social media account? Tumblr What size bed do you have? idk if there's a name?? but 2m x 1,40m Any siblings? a little sister If you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? Why? Somewhere in England or Scotland or Ireland Favorite snapchat filter? the one with the harry potter glasses and the cute bear ears Favorite makeup brand(s)? i barely wear makeup, but i like the mascara from How many times a week do you shower? three times? showering with curly hair is terrible Favorite tv show? Teenwolf, Doctor Who, Once upon a time,... Shoe size? 40 (i don't know the american size but i think it's 5.5 or 6) How tall are you? 5′3 Sandals or sneakers? sneakers Do you go to the gym? No Describe your dream date? sitting i a cute cafe and talking, later going for a walk in the moonshine How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? idk but not much What color socks are you wearing? black how many pillows do you sleep with? one big Do you have a job? What do you do? i deliver newspaper How many friends do you have? 4 i consider my closest and bestest friends Whats the worst thing you have ever done? I don't know.. What’s your favorite candle scent? roses 3 favorite boy names? Noah, Finn, Thomas 3 favorite girl names? i can't think of any idk Name favorite actor? Thomas Brodie-Sangster Favorite actress? Kaya Scodelario/ Emma Watson Who is your celebrity crush? too many to count Favorite movie? would be maze runner or Harry Potter idk Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? I love to read and i have too many books i love Money or brains? Brains Do you have a nickname? What is it? nope How many times have you been to the hospital? once Top 10 favorite songs? 1. The last of the real ones - Fall out boy 2. Hole in the ground - TOP 3. Nothing's fair in love and war - Three Days Grace 4. This ainn't a scene it's a goddamned arms race - Fall Out Boy 5. This means war - Nickelback 6. The Man - The Killers 7. Bleeding Out - imagine dragons 8. LA Devotee - panic! at the disco 9. Something's gotta give - all time low 10. drown - tyler joseph Do you take any medications daily? no What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) normal What is your biggest fear? heights and darkness How many kids do you want? two What’s your go to hair style? bun What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) medium Who is your role model? don't really have one.. basically anyone who can draw super well and has his shit together What was the last compliment you received? a lot of people told my i got tanned in the holidays and this makes me happy bc i'm pale What was the last text you sent? solutions for a homework in our class-groupchat How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? santa is real What is your dream car? a mini Opinion on smoking? smoking is disgusting and bad Do you go to college? nope What is your dream job? Journalist/ Author Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? who doesn't ?? Do you have freckles? yes Do you smile for pictures? sometimes.. looks terrible either way How many pictures do you have on your phone? too many Have you ever peed in the woods? yes Do you still watch cartoons? yes Do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? neither Favorite dipping sauce? cheese What do you wear to bed? a very big comfy shirt Have you ever won a spelling bee? what's that? What are your hobbies? Writing, reading, drawing, photography Can you draw? yes Do you play an instrument? nope What was the last concert you saw? some german DJs Tea or coffee? Tea Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? neither Do you want to get married? Yes What is your crush’s first and last initial? don't have a crush rn Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yes, except he has a really terrible last name What color looks best on you? black Do you miss anyone right now? no Do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed Do you believe in ghosts? maybe What is your biggest pet peeve? People talking behind your back about you Last person you called? my best friend Favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough Regular oreos or golden oreos? there are golden oreos???? Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow What shirt are you wearing? my sleep shirt What is your phone background? an edit with lyrics from car radio by twenty one pilots Are you outgoing or shy? Shy Do you like it when people play with your hair? yes Do you like your neighbors? yes Do you wash your face? Yep Have you ever been high? No Have you ever been drunk? No Last thing you ate? chips Favorite lyrics right now? I was just an only child of the universe and then i found you you are the sun and i am just the planets spinning around you ~ The last of the real ones - fall out boy summer or winter? Winter Day or night? Night Dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk chocolate Favorite month? october What is your zodiac sign? cancer Who was the last person you cried in front of? my family at the funeral of my grandpa

god this was exhausting xD i tag @coconcovers @haze-maze @newtmqs @raphsieg007x @mamanewta5 @umpeters @mel-the-fangirl

[tonykoester-blog]

Welcome to my Mid-Life (non) Crisis!

Who knew that this day would come!.  On November 2nd I turned 55 years old! This one is hitting me particularly hard.. maybe hard isn’t the right word, but it’s having a profound effect on me, much more so than 50, 40 or even 30.. and perhaps it’s because at the beginning of this year, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to here.  At the risk of being redundant, (most of my friends are tired of hearing this story), in February of this year, while on a ship in the Caribbean, on the very last night of a lovely cruise I suffered a minor stroke.  I wasn’t sure at the time that it was a stroke, but indeed it was, along with being diagnosed with Influenza B, and Diabetes.  It’s not lost on me how fortunate I am.  This life-changing event happened on Friday night, in the middle of the Caribbean, I didn’t seek/get medical attention until Sunday afternoon.  Actually, let me rephrase that.. I didn’t get appropriate medical attention until Sunday, I’m very happy to be sitting here able to type this.

The day this happened was our last day of a 7 night / 8 day Caribbean cruise on MSC’s newest ship The Seaside, and while worthy of a stellar review, I’ll put that off for the time being, this is about me dammit! :) 

 Mikey and I had been holding court on the Yacht Club pool deck, drinking martinis, smokin’ cigarettes and laughing it up with our newly found cruise friends.  

The above picture was taken no more than 6 hours before I had my stroke.  

While I had been having a good time, I did notice I had developed a cough a day or so before, but didn’t think much of it, at the time I was smoking a pack a day, so a cough was not surprising.. but as the day went on, I started feeling worse, to the point that I ended up leaving our group and went back to our stateroom to lay down, an hour or so later, Mikey came into our suite, and said “we’re having dinner with Rosemary, c’mon..get up”.  Rosemary was this retired RN turned Real Estate Agent from Palm Beach Florida, (a wacky woman, who should absolutely be a character in my one man show) and Mike and Lori, a fun , and oddly enough, republican couple from Chicago. 

Dinner was fine, we had not been disappointed with the food for the entire trip, but as we ate, and time went on, I remember continuing to feel crappier and crappier, after dinner, Mikey and I headed back to the suite to pack up our weeks worth of beachwear and souvenirs.  It was then that I really began to feel worse and told Mikey that I needed to lay down. Mikey assumed I was just trying to get out of helping pack our bags, and stomped around the cabin, “anger-packing”.. and then my left arm went numb, I remember telling Mikey that I felt like I needed medical attention, so he called the concierge and was connected to the ships hospital.  A nurse came to the cabin and did a set of vitals, I told her my left arm was numb, so she and mikey loaded me into a wheelchair and wheeled me down into the bowels of the ship. 

It looked similar to the one above, but not so well lit and a bit more dismal.

 Oh, Did I mention she was, I”m assuming Russian? So not only did she and I have a language barrier, but the Ship’s Doctor was also Russian making the next few hours frustrating at best.  I was really starting to tank at this point.  I remember every time I told the Doctor that my arm was numb, she’d look at me and in a heavy Russian accent, would say “You Has Numbs?”  If I wasn’t as ill as I was it would have been funnier.  They did an EKG, which oddly came back fine, and gave me IV cortisol for the numbness.. I know, I didn’t get it either. No “you should seek immediate medical attention” when we get to Miami, or anything, after the IV was done, Mikey and I made our way back to the cabin, I laid down and Mikey continued to get us packed and ready to debark the ship, and for the record, it was about the time that the nurse did my vitals, that he realized I wasn’t trying to get out of packing.  Neither one of us realized at the time that I was having a stroke, as I mentioned I also had influenza B, which was wreaking havoc with me as well.

Fast Forward, we debark the ship, make it to Miami Airport, have about 5 hours to wait, we were both exhausted, I was deathly ill, and we both knew it was going to suck for the next several hours.   By now, my chest hurt like a mo-fo, yet, I continued to “try” to smoke.  Nicotine addiction is real folks!.  I was titering on delirium by the time we boarded the first leg of our journey home.  The flight from Miami to Newark was at capacity, complete with screaming babies and obnoxious passengers.  I did my best to shut my eyes and rest, not successfully.

We got to Newark, got to our gate, attempted to eat something, and got on our final flight to Seattle.  It was as if the universe said “let’s give these guys a break!!”  This flight was less than half full, such a relief!.  I was able to lay down in a row all to myself for the entire flight home.

We arrived in Seattle around 11:30 pm, deboarded and in our sleep deprived state, and just plain not realizing yet the severity of my medical situation, we decided to Uber home, in hindsight we should have headed directly to an emergency room.  But we don’t, we head home, Mikey gets me to bed, and crashes on the couch, we both didn’t wake until noon the next day.  We get up, and realize that I need to be seen, and for some odd reason, instead of just going to the Urgent Care (This was a Sunday), I called my Primary Care Doctor’s office, and left a message for the on-call Provider.  So for the record, I’ve not had the typical symptoms of a stroke, no paralysis, no droopy face, so just thought I had a really bad infection of some sort.  

10 minutes go by, and the on-call Doc calls me back,I answer the phone, and apparently by this time, my speech was slurred and I wasn’t making complete sentences, he directed me to hang up and get to the nearest Emergency Room immediately.  We get dressed, and go to the closest hospital, which also happened to be one of Seattle’s premier Neuroscience Centers fortunately!

Got to the hospital, got checked in, and they bring me back and,get me into a bed,the Doc’s and Nurses start working on me, all the typical tests, MRI’s, etc, and at the end of it all, they came to the conclusion that I suffered a mild stroke, and Influenza “B” and Diabetes, and would be admitted.

 It was a couple of days of poking and prodding and being woken up every 2 hours, I swear I tried, but I may have gotten a little cranky here and there, especially when they decided 2am would be a good time to wake me up for a 45 minute MRI.  

I went home after a couple of days, and 10 days after the “incident” I returned to work, that was a poor decision.  I was totally unaware of the after-effects of a stroke, extreme fatigue!. I lasted about 4 hours before I was exhausted to the point of slurring my words and literally shaking.  My Doctors and my husband both made sure I slowed that down, and I cut back to 4 hour work days, taking my time to recover.  It took a few months, but I gradually got back to an 8 hour work day, and now I feel pretty much normal where fatigue is concerned.

I looked at this as a huge wake up call, I was 54 at the time, I smoked a pack a day, I was about 60 lbs over-weight, didn’t exercise, and was slowly killing myself.  

Today, I’ve lost about 30 lbs of my 60, I’ve quit smoking, which, by the way was the hardest part of all of this.  I smoked for 35 years!. But with the help of the patch and Buproprion (Welbutrin) I’m pretty much smoke free, every so often I think I want one, and if I do, they taste like crap!.  it’s amazing to have that monkey off my back. 

I still have numbness in my left hand, and the left side of my face.  But I have full use of my hand, and the facial numbness is just annoying.  

As a result of this, I also lost my sense of smell and taste, which for a foodie is devastating!, but even that is starting to return, I can taste much more, and my sense of smell is returning slowly.  I’m confident I’ll have a full recovery!.

Today, it’s exciting that I get to dream, that I get to make plans, and be fearless (that’s a process).  My desire to see the world is possible,  I strive to be too busy LIVING to worry about dying!

The world is my Oyster, and I’m gettin’ a whole pearl necklace!

[what-is-it-to-be-pk-esque]

11 Questions Ask Meme

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

Tagged by @commiemood 100 years ago by her older old username, but this was at the bottom of my unfinished drafts that I mentioned before :3

tagging 11 people is exhausting to me rn and i like talking about myself so fuck rules, just do the meme if you see this (with these same 11 questions).

---

1. When playing an RPG or any game with RPG elements, what class do you typically choose? (e.g. mage, warrior, etc.)

I usually go for the mage or arcane mage/swordmage of some sort. I like having the best of both worlds, but I especially like throwing fireballs or lightning. Sometimes I choose a rogue. Never a warrior.

2. Who is your hero/role model and why?

It’s changed a lot throughout the years. Like as a kid it would be a celebrity like Gwen Stefani, she was seriously my idol for a really long time. It was because I loved her unique fashion and thought she seemed like a really sweet person, and I literally wanted to be her - a stylish singer in a rock band. But now? I don’t really have a role model or a hero. She seems like a sweet & nice person, but if I were young again now, I would not look up to her. I kind of think that’s a dangerous way to look at people anyway, because you can’t put people on pedestals. We’re all human and we all make mistakes and no one truly wants to have that big of a role. But if I have to pick, I would say I admire people who fight to make the world a better place. People who try to make a huge positive difference in the world, like Bernie Sanders or Barack Obama. But, again, they’ve made mistakes and shouldn’t be idolized.

3. Let’s play Fuck, Marry, Kill: Kaidan, Thane, and Solas; for my non-ME or DA playing friends, I say just guess if not look up YT videos of their romance xD

Oh, that’s easy. Fuck Solas, he would be such a good lay. Marry Kaidan, he’s not my fav at all, but he’d be a good husband for sure. And... kill Thane. Sorry Thane! Haha I know this is terrible, but he’s going to die anyway, so...

4. Are you a coffee or tea person?

I’m a coffee person all the way! I’ve never liked tea.

5. What was your favorite toy/object/trinket as a kid?

Hmm... I liked hot wheels, action figures, trucks, Littlest Pet Shop, and Barbies. My siblings were all much older than me, so I played with their old toys by myself before I really got into video games. I also had a tamogotchi lolololol Guess it all depends on what age you’re talking about here.

6. What do you envision for your life 10 years from now?

I have no idea... Hopefully living sort of near the SF bay area in a house I own with my boyfriend and some cats. And both of us working in jobs we like and travelling to a new city at least once a year. If the world isn’t entirely shit by then, maybe that can happen.

Ok so I don’t know when I wrote that because now I live near SF lol. BUT I’ll reanswer that and say 10 years from now I have no idea what my life will be, but I hope I will be in a cool trendy marketing job, or working with animals in some sort of setting. And still living on the west coast, but either closer to SF than I am now, or in a more hipster-y location like seattle...? or portland...? Or maybe even back on the east coast but near friends and family in NJ/NY? I don’t really know, 10 years is such a long time man. I never even know where I’ll be 1 year in advance. It literally all depends on our jobs. In general I’d like to live somewhere progressive and diverse and not overcrowded, but it seems that combo doesn’t exist. 

7. What is a secret talent that most people don’t know about you?

I am incredibly good at giving massages, but I hate receiving them. And also I’m not a very touchy-feely person, so I can’t even bank in on it as a career

8. What is your favorite moment in the Dragon Age Series/Mass Effect Series (whichever applies)?

Oh maaaaaaan that is an impossible question!! I think my fav moment was in Mass Effect hosting the Citadel DLC party. I got so much joy and fun out of that scene. It made ME3 so much better.

9. Name your OTP, NOTP, and BrOTP from any series

Goddddddd I have so many OTPS. Let’s go with Shepard x Garrus in Mass Effect, they are like my ride or die couple forever ever since 2015 when I first got into Mass Effect.

NOTP: I can’t think of anything specific because I usually don’t really care what people ship. I guess pretty much anything incest/underage is my NOTP though, I’m #nothereforthat srynotsry

BroTP: Hawke x Varric from Dragon Age as bros for life (F!Hawke or M!Hawke). I really like their friendship and you can still be bros with someone if you’re a girl if you ask me.

10. What is your favorite fanfic trope? (if you do not consume fanfic, then any sort of TV or novel trope)

Oh my godddd I am such a sucker for stupid shit like awkwardly being forced to share a bed or pretending to be married and then actually falling in love. I think that comes from reading and watching too much anime as a teen lmao. I also love a good slow burn, but not an angsty or excruciatingly slow one. I can’t roll my eyes enough when it’s too damn angsty.

11. What is one piece of advice you’d give to lepetitchoucommie canceriancommunist commiemood?

Hmm.....I don’t know if I have specific advice? I’m better at situational advice vs general advice. But I guess work hard at achieving your goals, keep an open mind, and do what makes you happy. <3 That’s pretty much my philosophy